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"I should have gone through life half awake if you'd had the decency to leave me alone." E.M. Forster
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112 AC
"Do you believe they ever suspect us?" Alicent asked, the tone of her voice giving away her nervousness. Rhaenyra's head was resting on her chest. A purely platonic embrace that could be confused for something else, Alicent thought.
"Suspect that we are very good friends?" Rhaenyra asked teasingly.
Very good friends. That's all they were, and hearing that from Rhaenyra's mouth should be reassuring, but it wasn't. Not at all. In the last few months, Alicent had been waiting for Rhaenyra to say something that would dismiss all her concerns regarding the nature of their friendship. Now that she had the answer she believed she wanted, she didn't want it anymore.
"I suppose you are right; we haven't done anything to regret as of now." Alicent replied without thinking, regretting it right away. Feeling her face turning red, she tried to stand up, but Rhaenyra didn't let her by grabbing her arm. They were in Rhaenyra's chambers, and it was late, so it wasn't really like she could go home. Still, she felt like she was going to melt into the floor if she didn't get away.
"What exactly would we regret?" Rhaenyra asked with a hint of fondness in her voice. Luckily, Rhaneyra hadn't turned her face towards her yet, because if she did, she would have seen Alicent's blushing cheeks. A blush that not even the darkness of the night was able to hide since the light of the candles was enough to give her away.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I wasn't trying to insinuate anything." She replied quietly.
"I believe I know what you are referring to, but I do wish to hear it from you so that there isn't any misunderstanding between us." Rhaenyra said, looking into Alicent's eyes this time. And what is she supposed to say to that?
"I only meant to say that some might get the wrong impression if they found us so close to one another."
"Perhaps. But is it the wrong impression if it's true? And if it were true, why would we regret that?" Rhaenyra asked with a hint of uneasiness that Alicent was able to catch despite Rhaenyra's confident tone.
Alicent stayed quiet for a few minutes before answering. Not only because she didn't know what to say, but because even though she knew exactly what to say, she didn't want to.
"It's wrong."
"No, it isn't, and in all truth, I don't think you believe that either." She really seemed to be able to read her mind at times.
"It doesn't matter what I think or believe."
"Of course it does." Rhaenyra spoke firmly.
It was moments like this that made Alicent feel as if she could do anything. Rhaenyra believing in her always gave her strength, a strength that she found herself lacking most of the time.
"I wish that was true, because if it was, then there wouldn't be anything to regret."
She replied without caring for once, and Rhaenyra smiled at her before getting her face closer to Alicent.
The bedroom didn't feel as cold anymore.
"Just for a minute, pretend that anything that holds you back doesn't exist and kiss me."
And that was all it took for Alicent to press her lips into hers, taking away all the fears that hold her back. Even if it was just for a minute.
That's all there ever was to it. They never discussed the kiss again. As to why, well, that answer was easy. They had believed that they had forever to know when, in reality, death came knocking into their lives just a week later. Aemma Targaryen was dead, and with that, so was any chance they had to figure it out. Their fathers had made sure of it.
....
"Come with me," Alicent had said. As if that were still a possibility. As if she hadn't betrayed Rhaenyra. A long time ago, those words would have been everything she wanted to hear, but now it only make her chest feel heavy. Rhaenyra would have done everything for Alicent once, and Alicent knew that, but it was too late now.
She wanted to hold her. She wanted her told hold her. She wanted to hold her face in her hands and trace her lips with her fingers before kissing her. She wanted nothing but to melt into her. She wanted Rhaenyra to say that she would, but Alicent knew that wasn't a possibility.
"My part is here, whether I will or no. It was decided for me, long ago." Duty. Rhaenyra chose duty over herself and Alicent. She understood. Oh, how well she understood. Still, it didn't make the wound from Rhaenyra's rejection any less painful. How much of a hypocrite she could be, her self-hatred lingering over her. This is all your fault. You have caused this. You have torn everything apart, and for what? Nothing. The thoughts were repeating all over her head, reminding her that her mind was never meant to be used as a tool for comfort.
"We should have left a long time ago. I should have taken on your offer to leave on dragon back the night before my wedding, but I was frightened. I allowed my fears to take my authentic self and you away from me. The truth is that I haven't really been myself since I was fifteen, and now that I've got myself back, it's too late. Isn't? It's too late." The words left Alicent's mouth without thinking. She felt lighter but burdened at the same time. It didn't matter how hard she tried to get it out; it wasn't enough. Maybe it was never going to be enough. It seemed that "The truth will set you free" didn't apply to her after all.
"I didn't know," Rhaenyra started saying before Alicent interrupted her.
"It was you. You were what helped me to make it through. At first, it was my love, and then it was my bitterness, but in the end, it was always my feelings for you that helped me keep going. You are my strength. You never stopped being my strength. You were my freedom once, and after all these years, all that I ever wanted..."
All that I ever wanted to be was your Alicent. Free and content. I just want to be yours. Let me be your Alicent again.
"Alicent-"Rhaenyra muttered, her voice revealing her shock. Rhaenyra tried to continue speaking, but Alicent interrupted once again. For better or for worse, this was it.
"Do you remember when we were young and I asked you if you believed they suspected of us of us being...and we..." She couldn't say. Even after all this time, She couldn't say it. Still, it seemed that whatever look she had on her face was enough for Rhaenyra to know what she meant.
"When we kissed, you mean?" Rhaenyra asked with a teasing smile that reached her eyes. She hadn't made Rhaenyra smile like that in a long time.
Just tell her. There's nothing to lose anymore. Not anymore.
"I didn't know what romantic love was, and I believed...not even long ago...that it was supposed to look a certain way. That it was only supposed to be felt in an established way, but now... I realize I was mistaken."
Rhaenyra's facial expression conveyed warmth. She looked as if she already knew what Alicent was about to say. Even after all these years, she could still read her like a book.
"I had feelings for you, non-platonic feelings. I believe...no...I know that I still carry these feelings. What I mean is-"
Rhaenyra had interrupted her this time with her embrace. Rhaenyra was hugging her. The coldness seemed to have abandoned her body. She didn't feel cold anymore. She never did in Rhaenyra's arms.
"I know. I know." Rhaenyra said. They stayed like that for some time. Giving into the warmth. Alicent wished she could stay in her arms forever, and Rhaenyra wished that she could always hold Alicent. In the past, Alicent had always been the one to pull away from affection first, this wasn't the case anymore. Rhaenyra would have continued embracing Alicent if it wasn't because she had so much to say.
"I wish. I wish things were different. If you had told me all of this not even long ago, I would have found a way. I would have found a way for us to... for us to be together." Tears were dropping from Rhaenyra's eyes. Alicent wanted to wipe her tears away, and she was about to when Rhaenyra took her hands into hers.
"I was in love with you as well. I still am. I think I always will, but-"
"It's too late. I know. You distrust me now, and I don't blame you for it. I know Rhaenyra. I understand." Alicent said, pulling herself away completely this time and looking at anywhere but Rhaenyra. She just couldn't look at her anymore. Not when she felt so hurt.
"It's not distrust, it's pain. You have decided to wound me despite your alleged love for me. What am I suppose to make of it? What am I suppose to do?" Catching Rhaenyra's bitterness, Alicent turned away. She didn't want to fight.
"I'm not asking you to do anything. Don't you understand? I'm telling you all of this because I know it's too late and because I know it's over. Even when I asked you to come with me, I knew what was going to be your answer. Maybe there was a lingering hope, but I knew. I just had to tell you. That's all."
"I wish you had told me before."
Would that have really changed anything?
"It's not that simple. You know it's not that simple. My fate was sealed the moment that my father decided to make me a pawn on his game. That teared us apart."
That wasn't entirely true. Rhaenyra had wanted to amend things between them after she returned from her marriage tour. Alicent was more than content to become friends with her again, but then...Rhaenyra had betrayed her trust. Now, she had realized that it was more than envy that made her act as she had. She envied Rhaenyra's freedom, but she was also jealous that others could have their way with her. At the time, she didn't know that, so she took her frustration out on her.
"You were jealous. I can see that now. Not of me, but of them."
"Yes. I was. I didn't know it back then, but now it's clear to me."
She should have probably already left, she probably had to leave at any moment now, but it was as if her feet were anchored to the floor.
"I still think that maybe if..." Rhaenyra couldn't finish her sentence. It wasn't that Rhaenyra didn't believe in Alicent's love confession, but after everything that had happened, it was hard to accept that Alicent had done all those things while being in love with her. That wounded Rhaenyra too much. Knowing that someone who holds so much love for her, could hurt her in that way. It was too much.
"I should go. I think it's time."
Had Rhaenyra stayed quiet for too long?
"After the war ends, I do think that maybe one day we can find our way to one another."
"Wouldn't that be a funny thought? You don't have to comfort me, you know? I don't deserve it. Not after everything." Rhaenyra was looking at her like she was a wounded animal, and Alicent hated it.
Still. She had to ask for something else, if this was the end of it. She had to.
"If I asked you to kiss me, would you think I'm insane, or would you just kiss me before sending me away?"
Rhaenyra smiled again before closing the gap between them.
"I thought you never asked." Rhaenyra wished she could keep Alicent with her, but that wouldn't be fair. Not after what she had asked Alicent to sacrifice for her. There wasn't a world in which that would have been fair.
If this was the last kiss, then she would be slow. Rhaenyra kissed her in such a delicate manner that Alicent forgot how to breathe for a few seconds. Soft. Alicent had forgotten how sweet and soft Rhaenyra's lips were. None of this could ever be wrong, Alicent thought. She didn't know who had withdrawn first, but it didn't matter.
"Go." Rhaenyra said, giving Alicent a reassuring smile. Alicent looked into her eyes one last time before stepping aside. Trying to breathe Rhaenyra in one last time.