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In the hours that follow his first kiss, Taehyun finds himself annoyed with Yeonjun.
That morning they'd had in the dorm while the other members were at the salon was the closest thing to privacy they'd get in the near future, and Taehyun had been burning with an urgent certainty that he'd seen reflected in Yeonjun, before Taehyun had asked Yeonjun to kiss him. But he hadn't known that kissing Yeonjun would take up so much of his brain, haunting him and turning him into some absent-minded airhead. Now as they go through the rest of their packed day, he can't stop thinking about it, keeps finding that his hand has come up to hover over his lips again and again. Yeonjun isn't helping. He keeps shooting sly, pleased glances every time he catches Taehyun's eye, and every time Taehyun catches him doing it he can't help but remember how Yeonjun had called him beautiful, which should have been lame but did actually send Taehyun's heart racing all over again, just thinking about it.
It's very inconvenient. Taehyun might have to work out some kind of schedule for thinking about kissing Yeonjun, because they can't afford to have him be distracted like this.
Taehyun doesn't have a chance to really think about any of it until later that night, when they were all abed in their shared room. Taehyun settles under his blankets and gets to realise all over again that today had really happened, that it wasn't another dream, that Yeonjun had really kissed him. Taehyun's hand goes back to his mouth wonderingly. It hadn't been a surprise, exactly. Taehyun might have no practical experience of his own, but there were only so many ways for him to interpret Yeonjun's actions before today. The teasing, the earnest compliments, going out of his way to make sure they spent time together, as close to dates as they could manage, had been obvious enough. And if it hadn't, the nonstop mocking from the others would have tipped him off pretty quick.
It turned out that no matter how much Taehyun had though about kissing Yeonjun (and had he ever thought about it), it was no substitute for the real thing. Taehyun had been clumsy and over-eager, until Yeonjun had laughingly calmed him down and guided him through it. Taehyun taps his fingers thoughtfully against his lips, remembering.
Yeonjun had known what he was doing. It catches inside of his mind, and something inside of him sours, hand falling to grip at his blankets. Taehyun curls deeper into his blankets as he thinks about it more. Normally, being able to rely on having Yeonjun there to guide him through some new experience is comforting. Getting mad at Yeonjun being good at things was like getting mad about the sun rising. He mulls it over more. It's not quite anger, he finds.
Is he...jealous?
He'd never really been jealous about things before. It had always seemed like a waste of time. Maybe, Taehyun realises glumly, it was easy not to be jealous because he didn't care that much. Now he's having trouble not thinking about it. Yeonjun had mentioned, oblique and discreet, his past experiences, and Taehyun hadn't thought much of it. But now, with the evidence so obvious to him, Taehyun can't help but be more aware than ever of the gap in experience between them, of all the things that Yeonjun knows that Taehyun has only ever thought about. Taehyun tries to ignore the uncomfortable, insecure burning inside of him, but the idea's wormed into his head. Taehyun, far too aware of his shared space, tries his best not to toss and turn. He sticks his face into his pillow and huffs in frustration. Then he lifts his head, takes a few long, deep breaths and forces his unruly mind to go over piano scales until he can finally doze off.
One advantage to their packed schedule is that it doesn't leave time to think about anything else. Taehyun's mostly forgotten his ridiculous jealousy by the time he walks out the dorm. He manages to keep it from his mind until later that night, when Soobin, Beomgyu and Kai have laughingly let Yeonjun and Taehyun have the room while they caught up on anime in the living room.
Yeonjun tugs Taehyun towards his bed and then tucks them close together so smoothly that Taehyun is impressed. Yeonjun smiles at him, and Taehyun smiles back automatically. But there it was again, that niggling, unpleasant feeling, that Yeonjun's had practice doing this. Taehyun drops his head down to hide his face in Yeonjun's shoulder, scowling, and wishes that this once, ignoring feelings actually worked. He and Yeonjun actually got time to be alone together, so that Yeonjun could probably try to kiss him again, and his dumb brain was wasting their extremely limited free time and privacy on this?
Yeonjun nudges him. "What's up?"
"It's nothing," Taehyun mumbles.
Yeonjun hums concerned, and Taehyun curls closer to feel it rumble through Yeonjun's chest. "Taehyun-ah," he says, clearly concerned. Taehyun lifts his head to find Yeonjun staring down in worry."You don't regret it, do you? I don't to - if you're not ready - or if you're really not interested, don't force yourself for me-"
"Hyung," Taehyun interrupts Yeonjun's rambling. Yeonjun freezes, eyes wide and worried, and Taehyun sighs. "No, it's not that at all, okay? I want to be with you, you don't have to worry about that."
"Okay," Yeonjun says slowly. "So you're..."
Taehyun sighs. He can feel his face start to heat up, and he burrows back into Yeonjun's shoulder to hide it. Yeonjun's fingers stroke through his hair. Taehyun takes a bit to enjoy before he reminds himself that ignoring feelings doesn't work, and he needs to suck it up and communicate. He turns his head just enough so that he can talk, glad that Yeonjun's fingers stay in his hair.
"I was just thinking about, um, how you got so good at....stuff," Taehyun says.
"Stuff?"
"The kissing," Taehyun says. "I was thinking about how you got so good at it and then I got jealous and now I feel ridiculous." He sticks his face back into Yeonjun's shoulder.
"Oh," Yeonjun says, and Taehyun can feel him get less tense.
"Yeah," Taehyun "Sorry, I know it's dumb."
"Don't be sorry, I'd rather know how you feel. Although, you know you don't...have anything to worry about? There's isn't....it's just you." Taehyun hates how much he likes hearing that.
"Good to know," Taehyun says.
Yeonjun laughs softly. "Yeah. Though you don't have to feel bad, you know, being jealous." It's totally normal
Taehyun pulls away to scowl at Yeonjun.
"But being jealous is so stupid!" Taehyun says, and Yeonjun bursts into laughter. Taehyun glares at him sulkily. "Hyung," Taeyhun whines.
Yeonjun's face softens, mouth quirking with a smile that Taehyun is starting to know well. He's spent years watching Yeonjun's face, with furtive admiration and then on purpose, swallowing down his feelings and helping Yeonjun debate every miniscule twitch of an eyebrow or how much tooth to show when biting his lip. But this smile is newer to him, one he's only seen they started this thing together. He's starting to suspect that Yeonjun has a smile just for Taehyun.
"Would it make you feel better if I told you it's never felt this before for me?" Yeonjun says.
"That makes you sound like some loser from a drama," Taehyun says, rolling his eyes.
Yeonjun laughs, smile softening again. "Ah, Taehyun-ah," he says fondly. An uncharacteristically hesitant look crosses his face. "Does it make me a bad person if I say that I kind of like that you're jealous?"
Taehyun blinks at him. "You...what? Really, hyung?"
Yeonjun laughs sheepishly. " You're so smart and thoughtful and just...mature." Taehyun flushes. Yeonjun smiles at him, fingers brushing gently against his hot cheeks, which doesn't help at all. "You're still disgustingly well-adjusted about being jealous, but it's nice to know you can feel like that. And that you can be dumb over me. Because I feel like I'm always being dumb about you."
"You do?" Taehyun didn't know his voice could so squeaky and breathy at the same time. Yeonjun didn't look any less fond, though, so Taehyun was starting to believe that maybe Yeonjun was serious. He had to be down pretty bad to still be fond of Taehyun right now.
"I do," Yeonjun says.
They stare at each other, charged enough to make Taehyun awkward, He drops his eyes.
"Hey, Taehyun-ah," Yeonjun says brightly. Taehyun flicks his eyes back up. "How about I distract you a bit," Yeonjun says, and smiles.
This smile is somewhere between conspiratorial and predatory, spreading a hectic warmth inside of him that leaves Taehyun wanting to squirm. He has a sinking suspicion that it's not going to stop any time soon. Or that his idea for a kissing schedule might not be viable.
Taehyun nods and leans forward. In a moment, Taehyun is having his second kiss, which rapidly escalates into the first kiss that leaves him panting and squirming and rolling way while being uncomfortably aware of certain parts of his body.
Talking about feelings was totally worth it.