you’re a bandit like me

by inthequietlight

Summary:

And then, it happens again.

A minute before the director yells action, Jackie’s eyes find the boom operator, a girl with bleach blonde hair, and she looks back at her.

Their gaze would linger, paused in the air. Almost a look of recognition, and she’d always nod at her with a small smile that says ‘you got this.’

Or:
scorned and alone, Jackie haunts the set studios of sunny Georgia, until the unnamed boom operator gives her something to look forward to.

Chapter 1: i’m never gonna love again

Summary:

Jackie's trying her best to keep it together, and Nat's a bit of charmer. They've both been eyeing each other for a while.

Notes:

Anyone who’s familiar w my fics, this is a considerably huge departure. Totally different than the others but I’m here to try something new!

I’ve had this idea for months but it stayed dormant until I heard a run of Taylor’s autumn-themed songs, and it just clicked. One of them is cowboy like me, and the next one is saved for ch2!

Enjoy the first chapter of this two-parter! Let me know what you think! Do you dig it?

“You’re on in fifteen!” A voice calls out from the slightly-open door of her trailer. 

“Okay!” 

Jackie sits up from the couch and dog-ears the page of her old copy of The Catcher In The Rye. It’s her third time reading it which is weird because she remembers not really caring for it when she read it back in school. It was just there, right in front of her when she was hastily packing her things that night, so she just mindlessly put it in.

She walks to the mirror, and stares at her face as she takes off her gold heart necklace. A deep breath escapes her chest whenever she looks back at her dull reflection. How the fuck did she end up here? 

The golden necklace is tucked neatly inside a tiny velvet bag and she puts it in the pocket of her jacket that’s hanging inside the small closet for safe keeping. 

She grabs her script and goes over her lines that she meticulously highlighted, anything under the character name Heather is hers. When she realizes which scene they’re filming today, she rolls her eyes so hard, they nearly go backwards. 

Rosie, Heather’s best friend, convinces her to sneak out from her window to go to a party knowing that her parents said no. 

Rosie

You’re my best friend. I love you. There’s no way I’m gonna get you in trouble

It’s all a bit masochistic, really. The show isn’t even that good; just a low-budget family-friendly sitcom that plays on network tv. It’s basically a low grade Full House. Silly, slapstick comedies where the conflict is resolved within twenty minutes. If only real life works like this.

She looks down at the paper, but the only thing her brain can muster is a collection of memories she’s been trying hard to bury really deep. 

“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had,” Shauna tells Jackie. She threads her fingers in Jackie’s hair and kisses her lips so deeply that she leans back into the pillow.

“I think I’m in love with you,” Jackie admits when they pull apart. It’s sudden, but it’s true. She’s in a dream, literally floating. This is much better than their drunk make out session that started a while ago. 

“I’m in love with you too,” Shauna says back with a smile so sincere, so real that there’s a glint in her eyes. They’re tangled up under the sheet, and Shauna holds her tighter, their hot bodies closer than they’ve ever been and she whispers in her ears, “are you sure about this?”

“Yeah,” Jackie nods, and goes to kiss her. They’ve both never done it before, it feels like a holy ceremony that they’re doing it for the first time together. There’s no way it would’ve been any other way. 

Some fucking dream, Jackie thinks. She shuts the script because she knows her lines, no need to revisit unwanted corners. 

She leaves her trailer and is immediately greeted by the Georgia summer sun, she has to put her script book over her eyebrows to cover her eyes as she walks to the studio. 

It’s all pretty routine, she’s used to the ins and outs of it all. Doing the second season of this godforsaken show isn’t all that different from the first. But if she’s being honest, she didn’t think that it’s come back for a second one. 

She gets in position, gets some makeup on her face for touch ups, and she sees the chaotic movement of everyone surrounding her. 

And then, it happens again. 

A minute before the director yells action, Jackie’s eyes find the boom operator, a girl with bleach blonde hair, and she looks back at her. 

Their gaze would linger, paused in the air. Almost a look of recognition, and she’d always nod at her with a small smile that says ‘you got this.’ Jackie nods back today. 

It’s been one of the few good things about coming back to film. She only showed up for this season, and Jackie hadn’t even caught her name yet. 

Maybe she should say hi, and make friends…crazy idea.

 

Her work day ends at about 5 pm, the sun isn’t set yet but the air is cooler, definitely better than the stale and dry studio atmosphere. She drops her necklace into her palm and she can literally hear her mother’s voice echo in her head.

“You ought to stop wearing that necklace. It’s been years,” her mother nagged her, “people will think we don’t buy you anything.”

She holds the clasp in her fingers, and mimics with mockery, “people will think we don’t buy you anything,” as she puts it back on. What does her mother even know about sentimental value? She discarded Jackie like she wasn’t her own flesh and blood. A necklace won’t move her.

“It was a gift from grandma,” she’d always say. 

She walks around every corridor and in between the trailer caravans hoping to find the ever-so-intriguing boom operator just to say hello and introduce herself. 

Call her crazy, call her pathetic but it’s been nice getting attention from a pretty girl when the reason she’s all alone in Georgia is because she had been disowned for liking girls almost a year ago. Call her desperate, or even lonely but it feels like some balm to the wound

Alas, she does not find her anywhere. Jackie scoffs, and makes her way back to her apartment hoping for a better tomorrow.

 

“Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.” Natalie’s rushing through the crowd of people trying to find Kevyn in this hall, “excuse me.”

“Are you trying to get me fired or something, Scatorccio?” Kevyn slams the camera into her for her to grab. 

“Sorry, man. Work took too long,” she apologetically says, trying to catch her breath from running, “hope I’m not too late.”

“Nah, you’re okay. The guests are just starting to show up” he says as he’s sorting the video camera. “Also,” he smirks at her, “was work running late or were you staring at the Taylor girl?”

“Shut up,” she gives him a shove, “I’m never telling you anything again.”

“Well, what was it…work or her?”

“Work,” she confirms. She takes a sigh when she looks around the wedding hall, “but, you shoulda seen her,” she mutters to herself. 

She doesn’t know much about her personality, but she does want to. Nat’s only working with her looks and mannerisms; her big eyes, her honey-brown hair, how she's always scribbling things in the scripts, how she always finds her sitting in her trailer’s steps early in the morning.

“Have you thought of saying hello?” 

“No,” she shakes her head, “I dunno. Maybe.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t think she likes talking to anyone there,” Nat says but it almost sounds like a question.

“What, is she like a bitch?” He looks at her. 

“Don’t call her that,” she shoves him again, “and no, I just— I don’t think she looks comfortable…like at all.”

Kevyn hums, and he’s on work-mode now, “family said they wanted candids of guests before the ceremony. Only close family and friends though.”

“How am I supposed to tell who’s who?”

“Dunno,” he shrugs, “figure it out.”

 

When Jackie looks around her small studio apartment, the only thing that makes her feel better is knowing that it’s all temporary. It’s always been the plan; she’s not planning to stay here, or continue to be an actress, she doesn’t even like it. She’s been saving money to leave when it gets better for her. Go somewhere far where she could breathe.

It’s not too bad here though. 

She’s been very lucky, she knows that; getting a shitty waitressing job in North Carolina with nothing to show for it, and the acting gig without any prior experience, not even school plays. 

A pretty face. She's got a pretty face. 

That’s what both the diner manager and producer in the panel said when she came around. She’ll swallow and take the compliment with grace, except it tastes bitter now. 

Why would you do this? Her mother cried when she found out about Jackie’s inclination. You’re such a pretty girl. 

She never really knew what that was supposed to mean so she shakes the thought away, and lays in her bed. The rerun of the first season should be playing now, so she keeps her Motorola flip phone in the pillow as she puts her head down.

“Maybe tonight,” she whispers to herself. But her phone doesn’t ring, and she falls asleep waiting.

She changed her number, but she mailed it to them. She never got a response, and yet she waits every night. Maybe they’ll see her and they’ll miss her again. Even Shauna. 

Call her pitiful, but she still has the door open.

——

“Cut!” Michael, the director, yells at everyone and suddenly interrupts everyone’s flow, “Jackie!” 

She looks at him knowing very well that she's been the one screwing up the scene. It’s their fifth take. 

“Yeah?” She looks at him, not a lot of expression on her face. 

“Get your fucking shit together,” he pointedly says to her. He reminds her of coach Bill, she’s not really fazed by it anymore. 

“Yeah,” she nods, “sorry.”

“It’s like your heart’s not in it,” he tries to guide her.

It’s really not.

“Just give me a second,” Jackie attempts to sound adamant, “I’ll try my best.”

“God, I hope so,” he sighs out. His vein popped out in his forehead and his thin black hair looks a mess. She lived her whole life performing, but when she started getting paid for it, she’s got nothing to give.

Girl sneaks out with her best friend. Girl gets caught doing something she’s not supposed to. Dad takes her home. Dad scolds her in a fatherly manner. Dad doesn’t forget to tell her that he loves her no matter what. 

But Jackie is no actress, and this did not happen in her reality. 

“I’m done with the kids around 6,” Jackie says quietly into her phone, “just pick me up then.”

“What about your parents?” Shauna asks. Very valid question. 

“They think tutoring is done at 7:30,” she huffs out a little laugh. It’s all so exciting, her heart’s never fluttered quite like this. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Even if they catch on, I’ll just say I was with Jeff.”

Shauna sighs but she resigns and says, “okay,” she can hear her smile, “okay, I’ll see you later.”

“Can’t wait,” Jackie says, pressing her fingers into her lips to suppress the smile. 

She’s back from her thoughts and on set inside the hot studio. They’re about to start rolling again, and she shakes her shoulder to get rid of the rigidity. 

Without control over herself, she spots the boom operator. It happens as it always does; the little moments of eye contact. “Come on,” she mouths wordlessly to Jackie with an encouraging tight-lipped smile, “one more time.”

And maybe that’s all what Jackie needed, she wears half a smile to her and nods. 

Heather

I love you too, dad. 

She finally says it without sounding like an inexpressive robot. The hot yellow lights that burn her skin by the shoulders are finally turned off. It’s the last scene of the day, today’s done. 

 

Jackie finally spots her after work. She’s leaning on the wall by herself smoking a cigarette, she spots the box of American Spirit in her hands and almost laughs, because yeah, of course. She approaches her until they’re a few feet apart. 

“You know, I never got your name,” Jackie feels brazen over initiating this very standard introduction. 

She drops what remains of her cigarette, and presses the toe of her worn converse on it. She walks forward to Jackie and says, “Nat,” she starts, “Natalie Scatorccio. Nat or Natalie. Whatever you like.”

“Natalie,” she repeats to test it out. Finally, a name to the face. “I’m Jackie Taylor,” she extends her hand to shake. 

A smile creeps on her face and she breathes out a laugh, “I know who you are,” she says as she shakes back her hand.

“Right,” Jackie walks a step back. She’s awkwardly balancing her feet on the edge of the curb. 

“Aren’t you too hot in that?” Nat points at Jackie’s denim jacket. She’s only wearing a short sleeved white shirt.

“I’m okay.” 

“Headed home?”

“Uh— yeah,” She nods, “you?”

“Hmmm,” Nat looks around with a twisted mouth, then she cheekily says in a whisper, “I’m kinda hungry. I don’t wanna go back.”

“I’m hungry too,” Jackie replies very quickly. She’s also very tired and sleepy but she won’t say that.

“Wanna do something about that?” Nat’s already walking, waiting and hoping for Jackie to follow. 

“Yeah,” she nods, “let’s go eat. I’ll get some takeout.”

And she jogs towards Natalie and they walk next to each other.

“Do you live close by?” Nat asks, hands in her pocket. 

“Yeah,” Jackie nods, “I don’t drive so I thought it’d be better if I was near.”

“Alone?”

“Yeah. What about you?”

“I don’t have a car and I live with Kevyn,” Nat explains, “we kinda grew up together so it’s not like a sleazy roommate situation with some random guy.”

“Oh, that’s cool,” Jackie says, “I used to plan about living with my best friend after graduation.” 

“What happened to those plans?” 

“You don’t get to dangle Jeff in my face like that and pretend like it’s nothing,” Shauna exclaims with tears, “it’s not fair!”

“Well, life’s not fucking fair, Shauna,” Jackie yells back, “what the fuck do you want me to do?”

Jackie’s always had a touch of cruelty. 

“Oh, you know—“ she easily waves it away, “you plan something when you’re eight, and it doesn’t happen when you’re eighteen. Shocker.”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“You weren’t with us earlier this year,” Jackie points out. 

“Yeah, I got this gig around two months ago…June?” She says, “my friend helped me out”

“That’s cool.”

“What about you?” Nat asks with fond interest, swaying closer to her, “what’s a girl doing alone in the sets of Georgia so far from home?”

Jackie smirks and looks at her, “what do you know about home?” She hardly talks about her personal life at work. She never mentioned her hometown before. 

“Where are you from?” Nat suspiciously looks at her. 

“North Carolina.”

“No, you’re not,” Nat says in a friendly manner, slightly surprised, “no way.”

“Why not?”

“Because I hear it,” she makes the shape of headphones with her hands and gestures to her head. “The accent slips out sometimes, and I’m definitely not crazy.”

Oh. The boom operator. Duh. 

“What’s my tell?” Jackie wonders with a curious grin. She realizes that it’s been long since she's had this lighthearted conversation with someone. 

“Well, I distinctly remember the way you said ‘Daughter’ that one time, and I was like a hundred percent sure then.”

“You’re no daughter of mine,” her father drawls firmly to end the conversation. It’s the end. He doesn’t say anything else. 

“Busted,” Jackie sings. 

“A New Jersey girl claiming she’s from North Carolina,” Nat laughs lightly, “you tried.”

“How’d you know?”

“I’m from Jersey, too.”

“Shit, really?” Jackie responds with surprise, “yeah, I couldn’t have fooled you.”

“What, you couldn’t tell?”

“I guess I wasn’t thinking about it.”

“Which part of the city did you grow up in?” 

“This small town, Wiskayok.” 

She’s never mentioned this to anyone else. 

“Oh! Wiskayok!” Nat says, and Jackie turns because no one responds to fuckass Wiskayok like that. “I have some friends from there.”

“Were you close by?”

“Yeah,” Nat quickly nods, “just out of Eatontown. Not too far from you guys.”

“Huh,” Jackie ponders for a few seconds, “wonder if we ran into each other before.”

“Maybe,” Natalie shrugs.

 

After some tussle, it’s Nat who pays for their food and Jackie isn’t all that pleased. 

“You know, you didn’t have to do that,” Jackie scoffs while holding her takeout bag. They’re walking away side by side. 

“Come on, Taylor,” Nat laughs, “you’re embarrassing me. It was barely fifteen bucks for the both of us.”

“Still,” she looks at the pavement while walking. Their shadows are interweaving in and out of each other as they sway side to side. 

They pause at a stop sign by the crossroads. Natalie looks at Jackie and asks jokingly, “are you really that torn up about the 7 dollars I spent on your burger and fries?”

“Yes,” Jackie firmly says but there’s a small smile on her face.

“Then, you treat me next time.”

“Next time?”

“Yeah,” she nods and looks at the street, “I was thinking tomorrow, actually.”

“Okay,” Jackie happily nods, genuinely smiling, “you know where to find me.”

Nat bites her plastic straw when she grins back at Jackie, the sun on her eyes has her squinting and scrunching her nose.

Very cute, Jackie thinks to herself.

and she says, “I’m going over here,” she points to the left. 

“I’m going there,” Jackie points in the opposite direction. 

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye,” Jackie waves.

“Bye, Jackie,” Nat waves back with her takeout bag.

When she walks away, she finds herself turning her head every few seconds to look at Natalie’s back, growing smaller and smaller until she disappears.

——

Jackie finished way earlier than everyone else today. She had the opportunity to just ditch and leave, but here she is, sitting on the steps of her trailer, playing with her necklace, waiting for Natalie to check out since she’s said she’d treat her today. 

Just her luck, Nat’s running late. When the first hour passes she wonders how stupid she may be looking right now; their plan from yesterday wasn’t even solid, she doesn’t have Nat’s phone number, and she might’ve been joking about eating together after work. 

She drops her head into her palms out of embarrassment. Why can’t I be normal about these things? Jackie thinks. 

But it’s already been an hour, she might as well commit to the whole bit. It’s not like her phone is blasting with calls and messages asking where she is. 

She goes back to reading The Catcher in the Rye, and she reaches the part where Holden is asking about the ducks in the lake. She traces her finger at the underline she drew on the text; it touched her, it made her cry the last time she read it. 

Where do the ducks go when the lakes freeze? 

Where does Jackie go when she’s all alone?

“I’ll always be here for you,” they promised each other, but neither of them held their end of the bargain. 

“Jackie?” She hears Nat’s voice from a short distance. 

“Oh, hey,” she stands up, and dusts her pants. Immediately sucked back to reality, away from her memories. 

“What the hell are you still doing here?” She asks fondly. 

Jackie confusedly looks around to avoid Nat’s gaze, but she quietly says, “I’m treating you today.”

“You didn’t have to wait for me,” Nat’s grinning ear to ear because she’s kind of baffled.

“I owe you a meal.”

“No, you don’t,” Nat shakes her head, “I just wanted to hang out.”

Jackie smirks and shrugs her shoulders, “then, let’s hang out.”

“Okay,” Nat agrees, “but don’t do that again. Just go home next time.”

Jackie doesn’t say anything to that. 

 

“Whadya mean you can’t drink?” Jackie widens her eyes in surprise. 

“I just meant legally,” Nat says discreetly, “and I don’t have my fake ID on me right now.”

“How old are you?”

“Turned nineteen this year.” 

“Me, too.”

“Hey, would you look at that,” Nat says, “same age.”

They’re in a bar not far from set, and Jackie looks at their order where they are sharing nachos and chicken fingers with two cans of sprite, and yeah, it checks out; they are kids. 

There’s not a lot of people here, she only recognizes a couple of crew members but they pretend to not know each other. The radio is blaring commentary on some football game, and a good number of the lights are burnt out. 

Real cozy.

“Do you think we know some of the same people?” Jackie asks her, “from back home.”

Nat creases her brows and leans back with folded arms to think about it. After a few moments, she leans forward and says, “actually,” she perks up, “my friend who helped me with this job went to Wiskayok.” 

“Oh my god, who?” Jackie asks with intrigued.

“Van.”

“Van?” She bobs her head closer, “Van Palmer?”

“Yeah,” Nat excitedly agrees, “Van Palmer.”

“Holy shit. You know Van?” Jackie’s eyes look massive. Nat has never seen her this excited or expressive.

“Yeah, we’re good friends actually.”

“We played on the same soccer team for four years,” Jackie puts four fingers up, “god, I had a picture but it’s not with me anymore.”

“Oh, yeah,” Nat snaps her fingers trying to remember, “honeybees or some shit?”

Jackie lets out a hearty laugh, and Natalie feels her ears going red; she didn’t know how Jackie’s laugh genuinely sounded, she’s got to do it more often.

“It’s the Yellowjackets,” she corrects happily. 

“Right, of course. That’s cooler than honeybees.”

Jackie huffs out a laugh and shakes her head, “I haven’t seen her in a while.”

“Guess you can do that if you go home for thanksgiving or Christmas or whatever.”

“No,” Jackie denies, a bit stiff, “no. I don’t— I haven’t been back since last July.”

“Oh, shit. How come?”

“It’s a long story,” Jackie says quietly, but she doesn’t sound all that upset.

“I’ve got time,” She shrugs.

“Nat,” she sighs, “it’s not a good one.”

They look at each other before speaking again, Nat can tell that something big must’ve happened; girls like Jackie don’t just leave everything behind. 

Their legs are dangling from the bar stools, sometimes they’d lightly bump into one another until Nat just planted her feet under Jackie’s chair.

“Whatever you want,” Nat easily says, “it’s cool.”

“Do you ever visit?”

“Nah,” she shakes her head, “there’s nothing for me there.”

“Family?”

“Only child. My dad’s buried there, and my mom,” she looks up and inhales in a bit of annoyance, “my mom is— I dunno. It’s hard to explain. I don’t think they were supposed to be parents.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be,” she dismisses rather casually, “we’re all better for it.”

“I don’t think my parents were supposed to be parents either,” Jackie admits out loud, finding it easy to build some trust with Natalie; unfortunate kindred spirits, maybe. 

“Sucks, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

Where do the ducks go when the lakes freeze in the winter? Where does Jackie go when she’s no longer wanted?

 

Jackie arrives at her apartment later than usual. She goes to crank open a window to let some air in since it feels stuffy. She can hear the movement of the cars, the invisible chirping cicadas, and the faraway loud mumbles of people. 

She’s proud of herself for making this thing work for this long. Yes, this place is smaller than her own bedroom back home, but she’s been keeping it neat and tidy, there’s no clutter or unnecessary objects. Yes, she purposely avoided making any profound relationships for the past year, but Nat’s her friend now, right? 

After her shower, she winds down by watching Sex and The City, keeping her phone right next to her like clockwork. As she starts dozing off, she hears a ring that startles her to sit up right. Her heart starts hammering into her ears as she waits for a moment to check who it might be. 

What if…

But when she sees the screen, it’s a text message from Natalie that reads ‘thx 4 dinner. c u tmrw.’ 

Right, they exchanged numbers today. 

Jackie wants to laugh seeing how Nat’s decided that she’ll see her everyday because she knows that she’s not only referring to seeing her inside the set. They’ll definitely find each other after work.

She touches the screen with her thumb, hovering over the words, and looks at the message for a while before she texts back ‘c u tmrw. gn.’ 

Natalie texts back ‘goodnight’ just a few minutes later.

She doesn’t really wait that night. Jackie falls asleep with her phone on the nightstand, but she doesn’t wait. 

Only tonight.

——

It becomes a habit; finding each other in between the corridors, meeting up by Jackie’s trailer, Nat handing her strawberry-flavored suckers in between scenes for a bit of sugar rush. 

Jackie’s a creature of habit, she still needs Nat’s tiny display of encouragement before she starts filming. They never mention it though, Nat probably doesn’t think much of it but it means the world to Jackie.

Today, both of them are sitting on the steps…well, Jackie’s sitting with her elbows propped on the higher step, and Nat’s laying on her back, staring at the sky. With dark sunglasses on and enjoying popsicles that Nat brought them, they just sit to take in the last sliver of summer.

“It’s gonna rain today,” Nat announces, seemingly out of nowhere.

Jackie lowers the sunglasses down the bridge of her nose and looks up. There’s clouds, but they look so sparse and high; not the type to bring rain in. 

“No, it won’t.” 

Nat smirks at her, “I really hope you brought an umbrella.”

“It’s not gonna rain.” Jackie really doesn’t want it to rain.

“We’ll see,” Nat challenges her. She turns her head back to look up, and Jackie can’t keep her eyes off of her. 

 

They’re absolutely drenched. They went from loitering around the blocks, to feeling some raindrops on their palms, to absolutely being drenched in a matter of minutes. 

“What the hell, Nat?” Jackie raises her voice a bit so she's heard through the rain, “are you psychic?”

They’re hiding under a window canopy of a closed clothing store, and Nat’s blonde hair looks darker as it’s wet and stuck on her face. 

“No, Jackie,” she finds herself laughing, “it was on the news. I kinda wanted to play hero and save the day but I don’t have an umbrella.” 

Jackie snorts, “and you were so sure that I wouldn’t watch the weather report?”

“I was kinda betting on it to work, Taylor,” she says, all fondness and delight. 

“Well, did it?” She sarcastically asks, seeing the situation they’re in now. 

“You’re still here, so I guess so,” Nat looks away when shrugs. 

“Some hero you are,” Jackie shakes her head, but she looks in the other direction; she’s definitely blushing now.

“I tried,” she shrugs, seemingly unbothered by the distressing (and cold) situation they’re in. Jackie finds Nat’s demeanor rather calming and reassuring.

“Where do you live?” Jackie asks her, “far from here?”

“It’s gonna be a long walk,” Nat shakes her head, “not worth it.”

“My place is just a few blocks away. Come,” Jackie offers, “just wait it out with me.”

“You sure?” 

“Totally.” Jackie takes off her denim jacket to use as cover, and she extends her arm for Nat and ushers her to come closer, “think it’s a good idea to run under the rain?”

“There’s been worse ideas out there.”

“Bet on me again?” 

“Easy,” Nat says, full sincerity.

Water drops are falling from Nat’s eyelashes, Jackie looks at them and she feels something in her chest, and says, “okay, let’s go.”

Jackie doubts their neighbors heard any of the screaming and shouting that occurred in their household this evening. The rain drowned it all out, even the moment her dad flung the glass cup a few feet away from her that shards were all over the floor by her toes. 

If it made no sound, it didn’t happen. Right? 

She ran to her bedroom and locked the door behind her. She was waiting to cry but it didn’t happen. All she did was wonder why stayed a week after everything happened, why she thought it would just fizzle away. 

It all happened so fast, then slow, and then she left. 

Shauna. Jeff. Missed calls. Fights. Brutal words. Tears. Confessions to the wrong people.

Maybe they thought she was cowardly. Maybe that’s why they never checked her bedroom that night. Jackie’s never been brave.

But she quickly packed a bag, got all her cash from tutoring the O’Malley kids, and called the one person no one would think to contact if they were looking for Jackie; Misty Quigley, whose loyalty to the Yellowjackets was unabashed, who would drive under the rain at night to pick Jackie up, and would house her for a short weekend without asking too many question because Jackie said so.

There is some humor to remember that Misty is the first person she formally came out to. Of course, she spared her the details, but she swore her to secrecy. 

She’d hadn’t seen her since that day but they still exchange letters every once in a while. Misty wrote to her that no one’s asked her if she ever came around. 

Jackie doesn’t know if she’s thankful or angry by it. 

She sent her first letter to her parents a week later when she was far enough from Wiskayok. She never heard back, and she finally cried.

Where does Jackie go—

“Which building is it?” Nat says into her ears, effectively taking her out of her trance.

“Right over there,” she points out.

“Come on,” Nat puts her arms around Jackie’s shoulders and they both enter the building. Before they go up the stairs, they try to swipe the water away from their arms, and wring their hair dry. “Which floor?”

“Second,” Jackie looks at the lights, “no elevator.”

“That’s fine.”

 

She unlocks the door and enters the studio apartment with Natalie behind her, their shoes make water trail prints as they walk in. 

“I’ll get you some clothes,” Jackie tells her. 

“Thanks,” she reposted, keeping her eyes on Jackie’s movement. She notices the collection of Ralph Lauren sweaters folded in the closet shelf, such a contrast from the old and chipped wooden closet that’s missing a handle.

Where did you come from? 

She hands her a t-shirt and shorts, and Nat goes to change in the bathroom. Jackie checks the cabinets in her kitchenette, and finds a couple packs of instant noodles which look appetizing right now.

“Hey,” Jackie knocks on the bathroom door, “I got some noodles. Want some?”

“Yeah, sure,” she hears back. When the water boils, Jackie quickly changes into a shirt and sweatpants and puts her wet clothes near the window to dry. She’ll deal with it tomorrow. 

Nat comes out of the bathroom wearing Jackie’s clothes. Stuck in the moment, Jackie tries not to put any idealism into this picture in front of her. She sees her looking around the place and she kneels by the nightstand where there’s a few miscellaneous items. She lifts an unframed picture of a little girl propped up by the table clock, “is that you?” Nat asks with amused curiosity. 

Jackie turns from the pot and says, “oh, yeah. I like keeping it around.”

“Very cute,” Natalie turns the photo to look at it. 

“Thanks,” Jackie rolls her eyes with affection. 

“Lemme show you something,” Nat goes to grab her wet jeans and takes out her wallet from the pocket. She opens it and turns it to face Jackie, “I got a picture of little me too.” 

Kindred spirits.

She takes a few steps closer to get a better look, and she softly smiles before saying, “you always had those cute dimples.” And she turns back to the stove to avoid Nat’s reaction, it could be awkward if Jackie was reading their flirtatious interactions all wrong.

“You think my dimples are cute?” Nat cheekily asks, there’s a bit of a sneaky dare in it. 

Okay, she might not be all wrong.

“Yeah,” she honestly says, her back still to Nat. “I like them.”

“I think you smile pretty as well.” 

 

Their empty bowls are on the side coffee table and they’re sitting next to each other on the small couch where they ate. 

“How long have you been living here in this place?” Nat asks. 

It’s still raining, and Jackie goes to light a candle. 

“Last November.” 

“Didn’t wanna upgrade?” Nat knows that Jackie gets paid enough to at least get a decent apartment. 

“Not really,” Jackie says, and she sits back down, “I’m not staying here for long. I’m saving up for later.”

Nat’s not sure why this catches her by surprise, it’s not like she’s planting roots here too. Maybe, she’s just a bit flustered by Jackie’s slippery disposition. 

“What about the show?”

“They’ll find someone else,” she casually says, “I’m signing a seasonal contract. So technically, they know I could leave anytime.”

“I guess,” Natalie nods, “but where would you go?”

Jackie hums and pauses for a few seconds, and then says, “somewhere pretty.”

“Georgia not pretty enough for you?” She smirks with raised brows and Jackie just gives her a light nudge for it.

“What about you?” Jackie looks at her, “I know you’re not staying here long term.“

“What makes you so sure?” Nat smiles at that. So Jackie does kinda think about her, huh? 

“Dunno,” she shrugs. The pattering sound of the raindrops distracts Jackie momentarily, she leans to look towards the window.

“I don’t have any plans, but yeah,” she nods, “this is just a pit stop you could say.”

“For your roommate too? Kevyn?”

“Probably.”

Natalie looks at her surroundings; the TV with some glitched cracked lines, the yellow night light, the old wallpaper that’s peeling from the top, Jackie’s makeup pouch, perfume, and body lotion neatly arranged on the other side table.

It’s all pretty homey here.

“It’s not too bad, really,” Jackie says as she’s taking in her own space, “I like it.”

It should be a bigger deal that Nat’s here, regardless of context. All of Jackie’s late night escapades with women she meets in bars ended in their places, never hers, and she would leave at the crack of dawn before she’d even know their last names. 

Nat’s her first ever guest.

“Yeah,” Nat turns to look at Jackie’s side profile, “I like it too.”

——

Afterwards, they start spending time together even on their days off. Natalie introduced Jackie to Kevyn and he kept eyeing her the whole time with a ‘can’t believe you actually made friends with her!’ face. 

So, it’s not an awkward meeting when Nat calls Jackie to hang out at a bar where this local band wanted Kevyn to film their performances with his camera, and he recruited Nat to take the pictures. 

The band members bought a bunch of beer, and no one really bothered to ID them. Jackie’s sitting by the bar, watching Kevyn standing behind his video camera and Natalie’s going left and right taking pictures. She doesn’t really like the taste of beer but she’s not complaining.

Natalie approaches her but she stands still a few feet away, “are you tired of cameras, or can I take a picture of you?” 

“You’ll take a picture of me?” She repeats the question with a cocky face. 

“Yeah,” Nat excitedly nods. 

“Okay,” and she tidies her top before fixing her hair and posture and looking at the lens. But Nat switches cameras and she does it with the Polaroid one. The flash catches her by surprise that it almost looks like a candid. 

When the film comes out, Nat fans it a little bit. Jackie extends her hand towards her, “can I have it?”

“No,” Nat teases, sneaking the picture behind her. 

“Uhm, why?” Jackie raises an eyebrow, “it’s my face.”

“It’s my picture,” Nat raises her hand up so Jackie can’t reach.

“Give it,” she laughs as she grabs on to Natalie to force her arm down. It turns into a miniature wrestling match.

“But it’s mine,” Nat pouts when Jackie manages to drag her down into a chair, “I’d like to have a picture of you.”

Jackie stares her down, wondering how long they’ll be doing this to each other. But she doesn’t change anything, she follows along and says, “only if I have a picture of you.” 

Because two can play at this game. And truthfully, Jackie can’t offer more than this right now. 

“Deal,” Nat quietly says with a playful smile. 

 

Jackie ends up keeping the picture in her nightstand. It might look like too much, too ‘love-struck’ but it’s not like she’s got any other place to put it.

And it’s not like Nat hadn’t taped her picture on the wall where puts all of her precious pictures, concert tickets, artwork, and posters. 

It’s not like they both don’t take the biggest inhale of faraway hopes and dreams when they stare at the photos every day. 

It’s fair game.

——

Jackie’s almost finished wiping off her makeup when Nat knocks on her door and enters the trailer. The weather is starting to get colder towards the evening which is why Nat opted to wear a pullover hoodie when the day ends. Jackie’s still sporting her denim jacket. 

“Ready to go?” Nat drops on the couch. They’re not going anywhere, just walking home together until the crossroad separates them.

“Yeah,” she hastily walks around between the furniture, “just a minute.” 

She opens the closet to get her jacket, first putting her hands inside the pockets to get her necklace out. 

But it’s empty. Her golden heart necklace isn’t there.

“Huh?” She murmurs with a frown. She grabs on the jacket and pulls out the inner fabric of the pocket to double-check. Triple-check. Quadruple-check. 

No. No. No. 

This can’t happen. 

She drops the jacket, and with it, she feels her heart sinking and palpitating. She opens both the closet doors and searches inside like a madman; her fingers tracing every corner for a sign.

“Everything okay?” Natalie stands behind her.

“My necklace,” Jackie’s voice cracks and she feels a lump, “I can’t find it.”

“Where do you usually put it?” Nat asks while looking around. She immediately clocks the shift in Jackie’s mood.

“I always take it off before I change, and put it inside my jacket,” she quickly explains, feeling a little breathless as she manically flips over the cushions.

“Alright,” Nat nods, and she helps in the search. “Alright.”

It’s getting really loud inside of Jackie’s head right now, she has no idea what Nat is doing behind her or if she’s saying anything to her at all. Jackie’s caught in the hurricane, and whatever is left of Jackie will actually break if she loses this one thing. 

I can’t lose this. It’s not fair. It’s the last thing I have.

‘I love you,’ it echoes from the depth of her being. On her birthdays. Before her dad’s business trips. As Shauna holds her closer than anyone ever had.

It’s all in the necklace. That’s who she is. 

Natalie’s scouring through Jackie’s trailer when she suddenly hears heaving and sniffles. She turns around and calls out, “Jackie?”

But she doesn’t respond. Nat goes to touch her shoulder to grab her attention, and it seems to alarm her since Jackie turns around so quickly. 

“Did you find it?” She asks with a tremble of anxiety.

“No,” Nat mutters, she’s taken aback by Jackie’s red eyes, wobbly lips, and her chest is shaking. “Jackie, are you okay?”

“I can’t lose it,” she rasps out, tears already falling down her face.

She did all wrong. She loved Shauna all wrong; maybe she should’ve been more honest, she should’ve waited, she should’ve dumped Jeff’s ass a long time ago.

Shauna ruined it, but Jackie did it all wrong too.

Does Shauna even know what happened to her? Does she think that she’s in Rutgers? Jackie used to tell her everything, but who was she supposed to talk to when she was on a bus several states away.

“We’ll find it,” Natalie tries to comfort her, “I just need you to breathe, okay?”

“No—I need to find it right now,” Jackie’s cries, she tries to go back to searching back with her stiff fingers but Nat grabs her shoulders so they face each other. 

“It’s here,” Nat says firmly. She’ll flip the whole studio upside down to find it for her, “please— just take a sec. You’re literally shaking.”

“I can’t lose it, Nat,” she starts to sob, “I don’t have anything else.”

‘I love you.’ Jackie tries to chase it, run after it. It goes further and further away from her. She can never catch it with her hands. 

“Jackie,” Nat breathes it out like a whisper, “what’s going on?”

That’s when dams break. Jackie’s in the eye of the hurricane now, there’s no fighting it. She cries with hot tears and a shaking body.

“They don’t want me. I don’t have anything—I don’t have anyone anymore,” she admits as her heart is bursting through her chest, “I don’t know what to do—it’s only the necklace. The only thing.”

Nat wants to hold her but she looks an inch away from breaking; so fragile and brittle. She doesn’t have the words to say anything to her, she just puts a little bit more pressure into her grip on Jackie’s shoulders. 

They don’t know each other well enough for it to hurt Nat like it does right now, but she’s wading the waist-high waters in this moment with her. 

“Jackie, I—“

“My parents don’t want me,” she sniffles, “all because I like girls— I didn’t think they’d throw me away like that,” she tries to catch her breath, “they never tried to find me.”

“Shit, Jackie,” Natalie quietly says with a frown. She extends her fingers and presses her thumbs to Jackie’s collarbones and the other fingers are behind her neck, trying to put some pressure to calm the shaking.

“And now I don’t have her either,” she incoherently elaborates, “there’s no one— I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I tried so hard.”

Was it asking for too much? To be loved and held? Is she doomed to never find what she wants most in this world—

“Jack.” Nat’s calm voice springs her back to earth. “You’re okay,” she whispers, “you’re okay.”

Jack, no one’s called her that before. 

Bloodshot eyes staring at dark blue eyes, suspended in time. Maybe the first moment of quiet in her head, even for a few seconds. 

“You’re here, okay?” Nat tries again, “there’s me. There’s not ‘no one’. I’m here, okay?”

“I can’t,” Jackie shakes her head, “Nat, I didn’t know that it would be that bad,” she hiccups, “my dad tried to hurt—“ but the word is stuck on her throat, “and my mom— my mom didn’t even do anything. They don’t love me.”

Glass on the kitchen floor. Loud and jarring, even the thunder couldn’t compete. The two people in front of her are no longer her parents. They don’t even look the same anymore.

That’s when Nat’s face actually drops. She’s familiar with this, she unfortunately understands this part very well. 

She bites her lips and looks at Jackie, then she asks with hesitation, “can I hug you?“

Despite it all, Jackie immediately throws her arms around Nat’s shoulders and buries her face into her neck. The crying and sobbing is mostly just shaking now, but Nat has a tight grip on her that it anchors her body.

“I’m sorry,” Nat sincerely says. 

‘I love you,’ Jackie hears for an unreachable distance. 

“I tried, you know,” Jackie says with a hoarse voice, “I sent letters, postcards, tried calling, and all. You know what they did?”

“What?” She sways them side by side. 

“They changed the landline number,” she sniffles, “I auditioned for this stupid show— maybe they’d see me, or they’d miss me, and try to find me.”

Things are starting to fall into place. Nat can see the bigger picture, and it’s an ugly one.

“Jackie, I’m really fucking sorry,” Nat says with some anger on her behalf, “you shouldn’t be breaking your back just so they could love you.” 

“It hurts.”

“I know, trust me,” Nat tells her. 

“I don’t like it. I want it to stop.”

“It might take a while,” Nat remembers her own parents, her own childhood, “you’ll wish and pray for it. It happens for some people, but not all of ‘em.”

“What do I do?”

“You just gotta let it hurt,” Nat pulls away and they’re face to face. It’s silly to think this now, but even with Jackie's swollen and red face, she still looks very beautiful at this moment. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Nat lets out a nervous laugh, “I kept the door open for so long, that I was the one who ended up leaving. I never looked back.”

Jackie does understand that Nat’s speaking out of experience. All the words point to that, and all she could think of is unfortunate kindred spirits. 

“Do you miss them?” She vulnerably asks. 

“Sometimes,” she nods, “but they’re not here anymore.” 

“I still think that she’s here.” 

Who is she? Nat wants to ask, but she’s worried it’ll open another can of worms.

“I was in love with her,” Jackie adds. 

“Still?”

“I don’t know,” Jackie shakes her head, “I don’t think so.”

“Okay,” Nat takes it in, “you just gotta be nice to yourself about it. It’s not your fault.”

“It kinda was,” Jackie says with a bitter smile, “we weren’t good for each other.”

“Well, the rest of it wasn’t your fault.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I know.”

“That easy?”

“Yeah,” she breathes out, “that easy.”

“I didn’t think my life would be this way,” she sighs, looking around the messy trailer.

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. And—“ she takes a strand of Jackie’s hair and tucks it behind her ear, “when you say that no one wants you, that’s like, objectively untrue. Okay?”

Jackie’s not sure if she believes her but maybe she’ll try. 

“Okay,” she slowly nods, trying a small smile for her sake. The one who held her in all of this without selfishness to it. 

‘I love you,’ Jackie holds out her hand to grasp.

‘I love you,’ she wants her to hear. It’s her eternal damnation, forever her undoing.

 

Nat ends up finding the necklace inside the accessory box. Jackie must’ve accidentally placed it there when she took it off. When Nat offers to walk her all the way to her apartment, Jackie sheepishly tells her that she has no desire to be there tonight. 

They end up crashing on Nat’s bed, curled into themselves with some distance between them. They talk about nothing and everything, giving each other tidbits about their lives from before coming here. It’s nice; there’s fond memories, not all of it is terrible. 

Jackie falls asleep before her, but when Nat wakes up, the other side of the bed is empty. 

“Great,” Nat sighs lazily to herself, and she pulls herself out of bed. She should’ve known, maybe Jackie just needs space for herself. 

She grabs her phone, and climbs out the window to the fire escape, and tips her head back with closed eyes to let the sunlight shower her for a moment. 

After a few minutes of contemplation, she presses some buttons on her phone and takes a deep breath before dialing the number. It rings for a while until it goes into voicemail.

“Hey, Van,” she starts, “it’s me, Nat. How’s it going with you? I was just calling to—“ she interrupts herself to think about what to say. She should’ve planned this one out. “So, I met this girl. Says that she knows you, you were in the Yellowjackets thing together. Jackie Taylor, you know?” She says, “she’s okay, but I dunno—I don’t think she’s got a lot of people on her side, and maybe she’d be happy to see you, or hear from you,” she swallows nervously and picks at her thumb, “if you’re close to Georgia, or if you could drop by. I uhm—it would mean a lot to me. Thanks, Van. Take care.”

When she goes back inside, she finds a handwritten note on her shelf that says: 

Sorry for running out like that. 

Thanks for looking out for me. I appreciate it.

I’ll see you later :)

- Jack 

 

Nat smiles and traces every letter in the paper. Any trace of her is lovely. When she averts her eyes, she sees Jackie’s denim jacket that she wears everywhere, neatly folded and tucked.

She purposely left it behind for Nat to find.

Notes:

- The “girl who is going to be okay” arc IS coming! I've pretty much got every scene planned out for ch2. this chapter took a few days to prepare, no reason to think the next one will take too long.

- I wanted more depth for Nat (I’ll def add things next chapter) but I feel like she’s more at peace with her situation while Jackie’s is still fresh and new. it's mostly jackie-centeric.

- I love stories where you're dropped in a specific timeframe, there's not a lot of background and context but just enough worldbuilding and characterization to keep you gripped and draw a clear visual. this was challenging to portray here, but i was trying to achieve that. fingers-crossed, I'm hoping it worked!

Thanks for the read! Drop a comment, it means the world to me!

Chapter 2: and for the first time, what’s past is past

Summary:

Nat and Jackie experience the joys of: meeting old friends and making new ones, temporary unemployment, and falling in love.

Notes:

The second Taylor song that inspired this fic is Begin Again which is one of my favorites, plus you could probably see the direct influences.

Please enjoy this chapter, and tell me what you think of it. I would love to know <3

“Jackie?” Nat swallows while looking at her focused face.

“Yeah,” she drags out slowly, not looking up from the table where they’re playing with a set of dominos.

“Do you like surprises?” She nervously asks that it’s almost ridiculous. She’s grateful that Jackie doesn’t seem to notice it.

“What, like birthdays and stuff?” 

“Yeah,” Nat shrugs. “I mean just surprises in general.”

“I guess so,” Jackie hums, her eyebrows creased and lips are pouty as she looks at the arrangement of dominos. “They’re pretty fun.”

“Well, I got a little surprise for you,” she shyly tells her, pulling up her wallet and taking out a gift voucher for a free bagel and coffee. “This is for you.”

“Awh, Nat!” Jackie happily takes it with both hands. “Thank you.”

“You like it?” Nat smiles at her.

“Yeah,” she nods. “It’ll be gone tomorrow.”

She watches her fold the voucher and puts it inside her bag with a content smile. Nat drops her eyes and absentmindedly stares away with a lazy little smile. God, she prays she made the right decision. If she woke Jackie up on an early Saturday morning, and dragged her out to a diner for nothing, then she’ll be damned. 

Jackie loves to sleep in on weekends, she knows this about her. She’s starting to know a lot of things about her. Nat inhales, and looks out the window. She notices the awaited familiar figure leaving the car outside and approaching the diner’s door.

“So,” she slowly says. “Surprises don’t like, piss you off?” Nat sheepishly asks.

“What?” Jackie looks up at her and huffs out a little laugh. “Why would I be pissed off?”

Then, the bell hung by the door rings when it opens. The fiery long red hair is the first thing anyone would notice whenever she goes anywhere. Instead of answering, Nat just tilts her chin towards the person, and anxiously waits out the reaction.

“Huh?” She looks at Nat with confusion, then she turns around and slowly stands up when she sees her. “Van?” Jackie quietly says, her eyes are wide and shocked. 

“Woah,” is all that Van mutters when she spots good ol’ Captain Taylor.

Nat braces herself for any possible reaction, or even backlash. She didn’t run this by Jackie beforehand, and maybe it was a terrible idea, but it really seemed like something that would make her happy at the time Nat started coordinating it with Van. She should’ve said something, or hinted at it because if—

“Holy shit, Van,” Jackie says as if she took the biggest exhale. She’s grinning ear to ear when she crosses over the distance between them and gives her a big hug.

“There you fucking are, Taylor,” Van says happily. There’s some relief on her face too.

Okay, good. This is going good, Nat thinks. She was worried someone would burst out crying or something.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Jackie excitedly asks her when she pulls away.

“Your friend over here is a fucking narc,” she teases as she points to Nat. “Told me your location and all. Had to see it for myself.”

Jackie quickly turns her head to Nat. While she was worried all week about how this would turn out, she couldn’t picture the grateful and soft look Jackie’s wearing right now. 

“Good to see you, Van,” she stands up to go and hug her.

“Yeah. You, too.”

“Come on! Sit with us!” Jackie nudges Van towards the booth. Jackie switches seats to sit next to Natalie. 

Maybe Jackie’s a little stunned because she doesn’t really say anything, but she still looks very delighted. Nat keeps pivoting her eyes between the two of them thinking, can someone say something please?

“So—“ she starts awkwardly, spreading her fingers on the surface of the table.

“How did I miss this?” Van asks, rather sadly. “I don’t know everything about the show, but I would’ve noticed a Jackie Taylor— our Jackie Taylor around.”

Our Jackie Taylor, Natalie replays in her head. Right. She had a whole life back home. She belonged to people.

But Jackie just shrugs, indifferent to it, and says, “who woulda thought?”

“You never made it to Rutgers, right?”

“No,” she shakes her head quickly. “Never showed up, and I called them when I turned eighteen to pull out my papers.”

“Your parents were paying?”

“They paid for the first semester, and I guess, never called to check.”

“Fuck, Jackie,” Van breathes out. “You know we tried calling you. It didn’t really occur to anyone that anything had happened until Lottie had a party last Christmas and you went absolutely AWOL. Even your parents were fucking weird about it.”

“My parents?” There’s the hurtful pang in her chest. 

“Yeah,” she warily nods. Van has no idea what went on, but Jackie’s face tells her enough. “Mari was the only one with the balls to actually call. They just said you weren’t home. Made it seem like you were on vacation or something.”

Nat turns her head to look at Jackie. She looks fine. A little upset, but mostly okay. Although she can’t help but feel upset for her. 

“That’s it?” She scoffs. 

“Jackie, what happened?” Van carefully, tension shown on her forehead. “Why’d you leave?”

Out of mere impulse, Jackie slides her hand closer to Nat’s, and their pinkies creep together until they’re slightly intertwined. This gesture alone makes her sit up straighter, and she takes a reassured deep breath.

Yeah, she’s a goner.

 

“Misty?!” Van’s eyeballs are about to drop from their sockets. “You called Misty?!“

“Who the fuck’s Misty?!”

“A poodle-haired freak!”

“Be nice, Van!”

“You could’ve called me? Or Tai? Or Lottie?” Van tells Jackie with frustration from everything she’s heard.

Jackie has laid it all out in the last ten minutes. Nat keeps her names coming up, some eliciting more reactions than others. Whatever Nat couldn’t fully get before, she feels like she’s getting the whole gist of everything that happened.

“I couldn’t do that,” Jackie says firmly. “I really needed to leave the house at the time. I was scared they’d send me somewhere, or I don’t fucking know—”

“We would’ve helped,” Van cuts her off. “You would’ve stayed with any of us, or left whenever we left— I dunno,” she withdraws.

“I know,” Jackie nods with a small smile. “Everyone knows that. No one would’ve thought to ask Misty. I had to go.”

Van inhales and looks away as she shakes her head, “you and Shauna, right under our noses,” she lets out an ironic smile. 

Here’s that name again.

“You know, Van,” Jackie smirks. “I don’t think we were all that subtle whenever I think about it.”

“Well, yeah. It’s because you were always weird about each other,” Van snarls back.

“Guilty,” she jokingly puts her arms up in surrender. 

“Would you ever call her?” Van asks rather boldly. 

Nat keeps her eyes on Jackie, waiting to hear the answer and feeling like an outsider. Where does she exist in Jackie’s puzzle of a world?

“Eventually, maybe,” she answers honestly. “Not now.” 

“She hadn't been going back to Wiskayok that much.” 

“In Providence, right?”

“Yeah.”

Jackie nods, and looks outside the large window wistfully. She never imagined she’d ever have such conversations in her lifetime, or be in these situations.  

She turns to Nat, to the person who brought her a piece of home without even considering that Jackie would happily rip open her chest to give her heart away right now. She’s scratching at the edge of the table, not really engaging that much in the conversation to give the two a feel of privacy.

How could Jackie ever repay her? 

“Do you, at least, like it here?” Van asks.

And Jackie wears a smile, it’s not her biggest one but it’s the most sincere, “yeah,” she scooches closer to Natalie. “Yeah, a lot of things to like over here.”

And Nat’s ears burn red.

 

The conversation gets lighter afterwards, Van goes back to making jokes, Nat joins in on the banter, and Jackie plays mediator more often than not. 

“You still owe me for that, by the way!” Nat exclaims and points her finger to Van. 

“I told you I’m good for it!”

“It’s been three years!” 

“How much is it?” Jackie interrupts. “Let's settle it.”

“Shoving all that shit in my backpack,” Nat leans back and shakes her head. “Making me take the fall.”

“What fall?” Van squints her eyes at her. “Nothing happened to you.”

“That’s because I dealt with it.” 

“You flushed it all away!” 

“Awh come on, Nat,” Jackie says fondly. “I really thought you’d be more of the stealth type. Did you really flush it all away?”

“My fucking edibles,” Van’s still grieving. 

“First of all, I was in school,” she relentlessly defends herself. “Secondly, I was cornered! I wasn’t some honor student, they would’ve booted me out.” 

“Well, I told you that I’d pay you back,” Van repeats, but she says under her breath. “Even if it was you who got rid of everything.”

Natalie rolls her eyes, and Jackie laughs out loud. 

“And how will you do that?” 

“I’ll fictionalize it, make a movie out of it— it was a crazy fucking few days,” she says to Jackie animatedly. “The flushed-away-edibles debacle was just the beginning.” 

She laughs louder, while Nat’s all pouty and bumps Jackie’s shoulder. 

“And you’ll make bank off of that?”

“Of course,” Van says confidently. 

 

When Natalie goes to the restroom, Van gives Jackie a funny little look. 

“What?” Jackie asks. 

“I see you met Nat,” she grins. 

“Yeah,” she nods. “You never brought her around.”

“I did.” 

“You did?” She repeats and tilts her head. 

“Oh, yeah. A buncha times,” Van confirms. “Parties, bonfires, carnivals, and all. She was around.”

Right under my nose, huh?

“I never saw her,” Jackie frowns. 

“And what would you have done?” Van teasingly asksz “You were all Shauna, Shauna, Shauna.” 

Jackie scoffs and laughs it off. There’s hurt in it, but it doesn’t sit as heavy on her chest now. How weird. 

Shauna was someone that Jackie loved every inch of, completely taken by her even if she sometimes didn’t understand what it could mean, and she knows that Shauna loved her back. She did.

After an unfortunate chain of events, she turned into someone that Jackie hated and despised. 

There’s no Jackie that exists that doesn’t experience an all encompassing emotion towards Shauna Shipman. It’s strange how lightly, almost indifferently, she’s starting to laugh about the hurt now.

It’s scary, because what happens when all the hurt, that was once love, becomes nothing? 

Shauna was her first friend, her childhood memories, her first love, her confidante on everything, and her first heartbreak. Is there a Jackie without Shauna looming close by? Can she ever just be nothing?

Where does Shauna go now?  

Jackie turns her head, she sees Natalie’s frame hunched over the jukebox looking over the music choices. She wonders if Nat’s got any spare change in her pocket to play some songs. Someone enters the diner, and a waft of wind comes in too, making Nat’s hair flutter over the denim collar.

Her denim jacket had been making its way back and forth between her own and Nat’s apartments, so did Nat’s sunglasses that are currently resting on Jackie’s hair. No one else really knows about all these intimate exchanges.

They’re all sets and sequences; Nat and Jackie, Van and Jackie, Nat and Van. All interwoven by a thread, but still have their own lives in isolation, each pair having a life of their own without the third really knowing the full extent.

How strange.

 

Van doesn’t stay for too long. She leaves the next day after crashing at Nat’s apartment, and Jackie stayed the night there as well. Kevyn hung around too for a while with them but spent the weekend with his own friends. 

When they say goodbye, Van asks with a cheeky grin, “permission to give Tai your phone number?”

“Permission granted,” Jackie happily says. 

“She’ll call, you know,” Van warns. “And give you an earful.”

“Even so.” Jackie’s joy at their mini reunion and potentially rekindling her old friendships remains steadfast. 

“Even if Shauna knows where you are?” She sheepishly asks. “Tai would probably tell her.”

Jackie inhales, and slowly nods, “I wasn’t running away from you guys. I’ve known Shauna my whole life, I can handle it.”

“Okay,” she nods, then she looks over at Nat who’s standing by her car. “You and Nat?”

“Yeah?” Jackie looks at her. 

“Take care of each other, okay?” She genuinely says. “Like, I get it, okay? I think I get it,” she pauses and looks down to gently kick on the ground. “Nat grew up like me, you know? We weren’t given anything. She won’t really say she wants anything, or have any expectations,” she meets Jackie’s careful eyes. “So just watch out for her, okay?”

“I will,” Jackie promises, and then she hesitates before saying. “I really— I really do care about her.”

Van gives her one of those charming and earnest small smiles, and says, “yeah, I know.”

That’s when Jackie takes a deep breath to control her glassy eyes, and she goes over to embrace her, “thank you so much for coming all this way.” 

“Of course, Jackie,” she replies easily. “Anything for our captain.”

“I’ll definitely call soon,” Jackie burrows deeper into the hug.

“You better,” she says. “And with good news, I hope.”

“Like I said,” Jackie nods because she understands. “Soon.”

——

The sun starts to set earlier. The seasons are changing, and so is Jackie.

She feels it in her bones when she finishes filming for the day, and gets handed the scripts for the last two episodes of the season. The feeling is tight and visceral in her chest when she flips through the pages, and reads end of season two.

She can’t do it anymore. 

 

It doesn’t take long to find Nat as she rushes through the corridors.

“What’s up?” Nat casually says when she sees her.

Jackie takes a moment before saying anything. 

She’s still wearing my jacket. 

“I wanna talk,” she says quietly, and grabs her wrist. “Can we go somewhere else?”

“Yeah, sure,” she agrees, although a little confused. But Jackie keeps a tight grip, and guides her until she finds an empty storage room. Nat just walks in, and looks at the dusty shelves before asking, “so?”

“I’m not signing next season’s contract,” Jackie announces, loud and clear. 

“Woah,” Nat does a double take with wide eyes. “That’s it? You’ve decided.”

“Uh-huh,” Jackie hastily nods. “I can’t do it anymore. It’s not what I want.”

“Well, what do you want?” Nat softens her eyes and voice. 

“My heart’s beating so fast, Nat,” she says rather excitedly, and walks towards Natalie to take her hand and put over her chest to feel the rapid palpitations. “I’m ready to— to not do this anymore. I did it hoping my parents might find me, but I’m ready to go,” her tone is almost manic. “I think —I think I want to stop waiting.”

“Okay,” Nat easily nods. She takes her hands to put on Jackie’s shoulders. “Let’s go one by one. You’re not resigning?”

“No,” she shakes her head. Nat looks at her huge and unblinking eyes, it’s both cute and a little creepy right now. 

“You have two more episodes.”

“I know. I’ll push through then it’s over.”

“Right,” she nods. “Then what?”

“I dunno. I still wanna get a degree,” she explains. “Not sure how I’ll afford it. So I’m still thinking.”

“Okay. School. Yeah, that’s good,” she gives her shoulders a squeeze. “Staying here or leaving?”

“Where are you going?” Jackie instantly asks. “Are you gonna be working here next year?” 

“I’m only here for this season,” she laughs softly. “I don’t think they’ll let the inexperienced nineteen year old kid operate around set anymore. I was just a temporary replacement.”

“Their loss,” Jackie defends her. 

“It’s whatever,” she shrugs. “Just a gig.”

“Do you have work after that?”

“Wherever Kevyn brings me along, I guess.” 

“How many sessions does he get? Oh my god,” Jackie asks, surprised. Kevyn Tan really has been making ends meet by being the call-in photographer-slash-videographer in town, and he brings Nat along as his right hand man. 

“A couple of times a week,” Nat says. “Wedding season.”

“Right,” Jackie says.

“So, where are you going?” Natalie repeats, dropping her arms. 

“I haven’t decided yet.”

“Will you let me know?” Nat asks quietly. 

“Of course,” Jackie says with a small smile, although she misses how Natalie’s palms felt on her shoulders.

——

It’s not like Nat’s all that happy about her situation; she only got a job because Van put in a good word to a friend of a friend, and her side hustle is helping out Kevyn in his job. She’d like to think that she seeks better for herself, something of her own. 

She just doesn’t know what to do. All she can think about is getting a car, and just drive and drive and drive until something makes sense. 

She could always work somewhere random and get just enough to get by, but she doesn’t want to do that for the rest of her life.

The drag she takes on her cigarette is more satisfying now that the air is cooler. She’s leaning on the brick wall on the back of some building waiting for Kevyn to finish up with this kid’s Bar Mitzvah. 

Again, she’s just tagging along to help him out. It’s nothing of her actual doing.

Natalie gets deeply lost in her thoughts, unaware of how much time had passed. It’s pretty dark out, and she’s getting hungry for dinner. She thought she was full and only ate a little bit inside, but now not even her trusty American Spirit isn’t helping that much. 

Suddenly, she hears some movement in the stack of empty crates near her. It catches her attention and she slowly approaches it, but before she’s close, a tiny little head pokes out. 

“Oh,” Nat says quietly, tilting her head. “Hi.”

It’s a kitten. A black tiny kitten with some white patches on its face. 

“Hey you,” Nat goes nearer very slowly and crouches down. The two of them are staring at each other, and the small cat doesn’t seem alarmed at all. “You were probably born last week, huh?” Nat quietly laughs with herself. “Most cats would run away.”

It blinks its green pigmented eyes to her, and Nat attempts to slowly reach her hand out. She hesitates and goes very slowly but then again, that cat doesn’t seem to be scared of her. The second her fingers are close enough, the kitten immediately nuzzles into her palm, and an unexplainable feeling of joy floods Nat’s chest. 

“You all alone out here?” She softly whispers. “Where's your mom?”

She picks up the kitten easily and she sets her down on the pavement where they can both chill together. She doesn’t forget to throw her cigarette away. 

They play together, and Nat can tell that this is the touchy and affectionate type of kitten; she’s always rolling herself around closer to Nat, and constantly seeks her hands for scratches.

“What’re you doing?” Kevyn’s voice startles them both. The kitten tries to hide inside her leather jacket.

“We’re hanging out,” she looks up at him, and points to the cat. 

“Why are you hanging out with a rat?”

“Rat your face,” she snaps back, feeling overprotective over the kitten. “It’s a cat.”

“Shit,” he takes a few steps backwards. “Keep it away from me.”

“Why? What’s wrong with her?” She checked, it’s a girl cat.

“I’m like, allergic to death. These cats could kill me.”

Nat can’t really tell if he’s being sarcastic or not. She stands up and holds the kitten in her arms, “well, what am I supposed to do with her?” She says in a frustrated manner. 

“Beats me,” he carefully walks away. “I’m serious, Nat. I’m allergic as fuck.”

Shit…

“I can’t leave her,” she almost pouts, and she hears the kitten meowing in her arms. She’s so disarming and has shit survival instincts by befriending Natalie without any snacks or water. She can’t leave her behind in the streets. 

“Deal with it,” he raises his hands in surrender. “I kinda don’t wanna die.”

She watches him walk away, and she looks down at the kitten. “Fuck,” she mutters and the kitten purrs back. It only took a solid ten minutes for her to get attached to this silly little cat. “Where am I gonna put you?”

What if Jackie… she thinks. Does Jackie like cats? 

She looks at the kitten who looks up at Nat with so much trust and gentleness, and she can’t help but feel Jackie would love her too.

It reminds her of the strays that used to find their way into the trailer park. The dogs were always loud and running around all over the place, but Nat kept finding the cats quietly hiding underneath the trailers, sometimes they’d go out and play but never when it’s loud and bustling. She used to play with them after dinner. 

She always felt bad about not being able to help them out, or feed them.

 

Jackie’s drying her hair with a towel when her phone rings all of a sudden. It would’ve scared her to death to get a phone call this time of the evening; there wasn’t a single person she was consistently contacting, the only people who could’ve called were the ones who never did. But now Natalie calls her a lot, they call each other pretty much everyday.

“Hey,” Jackie answers.

“Hey,” Nat says. “You home?”

“Yeah, what’s up?” She looks at herself in the mirror while she pats and wrings her hair.

“Can you uh— can you come down?” Nat awkwardly asks. “I’ve got a bit of a situation.”

Jackie stills and straightens her posture, “are you okay?” She seriously asks. 

“Oh! No, it’s not like that. I’m totally okay,” she reassures with animated exaggeration but still sounds rather awkward. “Could you like— can you come down please?”

Why won’t you just come upstairs?

“I really hope you didn’t bring over someone else from Wiskayok, Nat,” Jackie whines. She goes over to grab her hoodie. “Like, I don’t think I can’t deal with that tonight.”

Natalie lets out a hearty laugh at that. “No, no, it’s not like that. Don’t worry,” she can hear her smiling. “Just come on down. I wanna see you.”

Jackie’s heart stops, and then it flutters. “Right,” she sighs. “I’m coming.”

She wears her shoes and runs down stairs to go outside by the sidewalk. Jackie doesn’t really expect to be greeted by this sight; Natalie with a guilty smile holding a tiny kitten in her arm. 

“Who’s this?” A smile creeps on Jackie’s face.

“She’s uhh— she’s my friend,” Nat teases. “No name. I found her tonight playing in some empty boxes.”

“And what’s she doing over here?” She carefully scratches the cat’s head.

Both Natalie and the kitten are wearing the same silly guilty look on their faces. It’s very cute that it’s actually criminal in Jackie’s eyes. 

“I wanted to take her home with me, but Kev’s deathly allergic…allegedly,” Nat scoffs. “And we’re tight now. I couldn’t leave her behind.”

“So, you brought me a roommate?” She playfully smiles.

“Only for a couple of days!” Nat quickly amends. “I’ll find someone who’ll take her. And I got her food,” she lifts the plastic bag to show her.

“Hmmm,” Jackie nods, and she carefully takes the small cat into her arms. “We need a chemistry test first.”

“She’s real friendly,” Natalie vouches for the stray cat. “Like, to a concerning degree.”

Jackie holds the cat with her hands from under the arms, and they’re both sizing each other up. But the cat twitches her nose, and she tries to nuzzle into Jackie’s hand. When she takes her closer to her chest, the cat pretty much finds herself extremely comfortable in the warm hold. 

“Told ya,” Nat grins. 

“Okay,” Jackie huffs out an approving chuckle. She holds the cat with one arm, and tugs Nat with the other. “Let’s go inside.”

It’ll probably be good for Jackie to have a cat around. She doesn’t mind.

“I’m actually hungry too.”

“I’ll order pizza.”

 

The two of them are on the floor just looking at the cat rolling around on the carpet. She’s got a lot of energy. 

“Do we need to take her to the vet?” Jackie asks. 

“I actually don’t know.”

“I’ve never had a pet before.”

“Me neither.”

“Let’s take her tomorrow,” Jackie decides. “Just a checkup or whatever.”

“Right,” Nat moves closer to pat her back and scratch her belly. The cat seems very happy with all the meowing and purring. “Are pets allowed in the. building?”

“I don’t think anyone gives a fuck,” she laughs. “I wonder if she’ll be okay though. It’s pretty small here.”

“She looks happy,” Nat sighs, she wants to keep her so bad.

“Yeah,” Jackie goes to pet her. “We should name her.”

“You can name her.”

There’s a voice in her head that tells her that it’s actually special that Nat called her with ease just to ask her this favor. Van’s words echo in her head, and she hopes things can be different between the two of them.

——

Jackie’s been finding it really pleasant to be greeted everyday by the kitten when she comes home from work these past few days. She even finds herself talking to her like an actual person; full conversations. Even though Nat has remained diligent in trying to find a decent owner for the cat, it does upset her to let her go. At least with Jackie, it’s like shared custody since they see each other everyday. 

Luckily for Natalie, one morning a few days after the cat’s arrival, Jackie wakes up early in the day and finds her little furry friend asleep by her head. She’s making quiet purring noises as she’s breathing so relaxed and content, and it’s all pretty peaceful. Jackie gets Natalie. She’s right; they can’t just get rid of her. 

She grabs her phone before even getting out of bed, and dials Nat’s number that she has memorized. 

It rings for a few times before she hears, “hello.”

“Hey,” she yawns. “Good morning.”

“‘Morning,” she responds. “What’s up?”

“Did you find anyone for Francesca?”

“Who the fuck’s Francesca?” Nat chuckles, confused. 

“Our cat.”

“You named her Francesca?”

“Uh-huh. She goes by Frankie though.”

“Right,” Nat concedes; she did say that Jackie could name her. “I like Frankie. Frankie, Jackie, it rhymes.”

“That wasn’t intentional,” she explains but the thought of it makes her grin.

Black kitten with white patches on her face and white paws. Their Frankie.

“No, I’m sorry about that. I haven't found anyone yet.”

“Stop the search,” Jackie lazily sits up. “She’s staying with me.”

“For real?!” Natalie says in surprise. Jackie can see her brows shooting up. 

“Yeah, I think we’ve become pretty good pals.”

“Oh, man,” Nat takes a breath of relief. “I’m really fucking glad to hear it. I was actually considering moving out for a second.”

“It’s alright. This cat found you. She’s sticking around.”

“I’ll get her a collar with her name on it.”

“Oh, make sure it’s the same color as her eyes,” Jackie instructs. “It’ll be really cute.”

“Got it.”

Frankie wakes up and stretches her whole little body. She crawls closer to Jackie and squishes her face on her back. She picks her up so they’re face to face, and says, “hear that, girl,” she smiles. “You’re kinda locked in with us.”

She meows in response as if she understands. Jackie thinks that she does. 

——

It’s not a big celebratory day when it’s Jackie’s last day of filming. Especially because most people don’t know, and they usually reserve the celebration for the wrap party.

During her very last scene, Nat’s wearing headphones, holding up the microphone steadily, and she’s still watching Jackie across from her. She’s drowned out all the noise which is a bad thing for a boom operator but she can’t help it; Jackie looks magnificent under the yellow light. 

The scene is underwhelming and lacks the emotional punch, there is no official goodbye for the character since they’ll probably just replace her. There is no particular reason for Natalie to be this taken by it. But maybe it’s the sentimental part of her that’s feeling emotional that ‘damn, this is the last one.’ 

She can barely hear anything, only staring at the way Jackie’s lips move when she takes, slope of her nose, bounce of her hair, and the flutter of her eyelashes. Nat’s slowly breathing and lazily blinking. 

She’s not mad at Jackie, nor does she expect her to throw herself at her. She knows that she’s been through a lot in the past year, and she’s still recovering from it. Nat thinks that she’s lucky that they’re currently able to, at least, build a beautiful friendship between them. She’s no longer the girl who she’d stare at from afar. She’s Jackie, who is her friend, who calls her every day, who took in the cat immediately, who eats meals with her, and sometimes they’d crash in each other’s places. It’s not Nat’s ideal, but it’s not any less special. 

Even with all these people around them, it still feels like the most intimate moment when they meet eyes, and Nat would subtly smile and nod to her. 

“One last time, Jack.” 

And Jackie smiles back. 

Maybe one day, Nat thinks to herself. It could happen one day, it’s not far-fetched. She can wait some more.

 

When Nat goes to meet her in the trailer inside, Jackie pulls her into the biggest hug, and keeps on repeating, “it’s done. It’s finally done,” into Nat’s hair.

“Way to go, Taylor,” Nat whispers without hiding the contagious feeling of joy and release as she wiggles her in the embrace.

Jackie letting go of the show means letting go of the reason why she joined in the first place. Maybe she still wants to be found, and she’s still hurting over what happened last year, but she’s ready now. She’s ready to fall asleep without waiting, to look forward to all the tomorrows, to meet new friends, to see new places, to fully make Frankie part of her life.

And when she looks at Nat, even from a distance, she’s ready to fall in love again. 

She lets out a shy laugh and says, “yeah, but I kinda just need you to tell me that I got this.”

Natalie puts her hands on Jackie’s face, she puts their foreheads together in a teasing manner, and then with a playful grin and tone she says, “Jackie Taylor, you got this. You got it more than anyone else.”

Jackie would’ve kissed her right then and there, but Nat deserves better. Maybe, when she’s shouldering slightly less baggage and has a bit more figured out, she’ll do it with all her might. 

She pulls her back into a hug instead, burying her head into the crook of her neck, and finally feeling the lightness of the inhales. She hopes all of her gratitude is felt and seen.

——

“Alright,” Jackie claps her hands together when she puts all the candles in the donuts. “Light ‘em up.”

“Here we go,” Natalie sings. She lights them up, and sits back down on the floor next to Jackie again. 

“Now what?” Jackie laughs. 

“I dunno,” she finds amusement in it too. “I guess we just look at it.”

They just came back from dinner with Kevyn and some of his friends. Jackie suggested that they should both celebrate and have their own wrap party, so she bought a box of Krispy Kreme and some birthday candles, while Nat had one of Kevyn’s friend buy them a bottle of red wine. 

“What’re we celebrating again?” Nat jokingly asks. She can feel Frankie moving around her tail on the couch behind her. 

“Beginning a new chapter of our lives,” Jackie says firmly. 

“Ah,” she chuckles, “unemployment, you mean?“

“Shut up,” Jackie gives her a little shove. 

“Call it what it is, Jack,” Nat laughs at their state. 

“Just eat your donut.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

They’re just lounging on the carpeted floor, drinking wine and eating donuts. There’s not much going on at the moment, but Jackie would say that for the first time since she left Wiskayok, she feels like she’s been set free. 

“Seriously though,” Nat yawns. “What’re we doing now?”

“Like work stuff?”

“Yeah. The bills are still gonna come.”

“I have a good amount saved,” she says. “I was thinking I could drop by this little kindergarten and see if they need someone else on the administration desk. They were always saying that they were understaffed when I worked there in between seasons.”

“Is the pay alright?”

“What do you think?” Jackie sarcastically asks through a laugh. “It’s okay though, it’ll do for now.”

“Yeah,” Nat sighs, and she looks at Jackie when she says. “I wanna get a car.”

“Which one?” She turns her body so she can face her.

“Anything that takes me from point A to point B,” she shrugs. “I’m not picky.”

“Anywhere you wanna go?”

“I think I just love the idea of knowing I can go anywhere with a car,” Nat explains. “No schedule, no commitment, no waiting. Whenever I feel like it, I just go.”

“The sound of unemployment,” Jackie jokes, and Nat bursts into laughter. It wakes Frankie up and she leaps into Natalie’s lap.

“Hey, Frankie,” Nat grabs her. “Joining the party?” She doesn’t, but instead continues her slumber in Natalie’s lap. When they finish drinking, Jackie takes the glasses to the sink, and she sees Natalie pick Frankie up as she heads to lay on her bed. 

It’s all a bit cruel, Jackie thinks. 

She leans on the kitchen counter and takes in the image in front her with Natalie laying on her bed, playing with their cat. All while wearing the navy blue sweater that she gave her because it got chilly and Nat’s only wearing a flannel so Jackie handed her the piece. 

Jackie’s not oblivious; she knows that Natalie likes her, she knows that Nat knows about her knowing, and she also suspects that Nat’s aware of how much the feeling is reciprocated, or else she wouldn’t have been this comfortable with her.

It wasn’t like this with Shauna; there was always a nervous and fretful energy between them, even when they were alone and had the house to themselves. 

But it’s an unfair comparison, even to Shauna. A lot of the things weren’t her fault. They were both young, trapped, and had a lot to lose. The circumstances were not favorable to them at all but she wonders how different things would’ve been if they waited until graduation, and they were both far away from everyone. 

How different would it all be?

Jackie crosses over, and sits on the bed with them. She pets Frankie’s warm fur, and whenever hers and Nat’s fingertips meet neither of them flinch or pull away.

“Tai called me this morning, by the way.”

“Oh yeah?” Nat perks up at the new information.

“Uh-huh,” Jackie softly smiles as she remembers. “She called me stupid, an idiot, and a goddamn fool,” they both chuckle. ”All because I didn’t confide in her about what happened.”

“Were you close?”

“Not really, but if I told her what had happened, she definitely would’ve helped out.”

“I think you were a really good captain,” Nat looks at her with a gentle gaze.

“I dunno,” Jackie dismisses. “It was either me or Tai. I used to think that she hated me when I was picked.“

“Guess that means nothing when shit gets real, huh?”

“Yeah,” she nods. “And she also invited us for thanksgiving.”

“Us?”

“Yes.”

“In Wiskayok?” Nat widens her eyes. She could go there, it’s fine; she went through the motions. But Jackie going…that’s a whole other story.

“No. She goes to Howard. She’ll be over there.”

“Is Shauna gonna be there?”

“I dunno,” she casually shrugs, but avoids eye contact.

“Think you’ll be okay if she’s there?” Nat pensively asks, knowing she’s broaching a sensitive subject.

“Probably,” she replies calmly. “She’s not forgiven, but I can’t pretend that I’m furious at her.”

“Do you think you’ll forgive her if she says sorry?”

“It’s a start,” Jackie says. “And I have some grounds to cover too.”

“Okay,” Nat purses her lips. “It is what it is, huh?”

“Is it stupid?”

“No,” Nat shakes her head.

“I just— I’m ready to move on, you know?” Jackie says. “I wanna be happy again, and I feel like it’s all finally making sense. I don’t wanna be angry any—or scared anymore.”

I wanna fall in love again.

“Well, thank god for our party then,” Nat smiles at her proudly.

“Who do you think will love you?” Her mother’s voice revisits her, “you’ll lead a very lonely life, Jacqueline. What makes you think you’ll ever find anyone?”

Her mom was wrong, just absolutely wrong. Jackie may have believed her in some moments of isolation, but this moment right here, Jackie’s fighting the absolute urge to say it; “I love you.” 

Jackie puts her head down on the mattress, they’re both laying sideways with Frankie in between them. Eventually, sleep takes over with their hands intertwined in Frankie’s fur. They don’t move, they don’t pull away even when Frankie sneaks back into the couch. There’s only solace and the sweet mellow feelings. 

And it looks a whole lot like love. 

——

The joblessness takes full effect when they find themselves laying down in the grass on a Tuesday morning. Literally no one else is there except for the two of them.

“Not even old people are here,” Jackie says before laying back down.

“It’s cool. We got the place to ourselves,” Nat says all calm and relaxed. Her hands folded behind her head, and she’s looking up at the sky.

“Can I have that?” She points at one of Nat’s earphones that’s attached to her MP3 player.

“Sure.”

For a while, Nat gently pats on her ribs to beat of the drums while humming the tune, and Jackie’s found peace during cloud-watching.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about what I wanna go to school for,” Jackie suddenly announces.

“What is it?” Nat turns her head with creased brows. She lowers the volume of her device.

She takes a content sigh and says surely, “I wanna be a teacher.”

“A teacher?” Nat repeats. She’s grinning, flashing her dimples.

“Yeah,” Jackie shrugs. “Does it fit?”

It actually instantly clicks in Nat’s head, like the picture is as clear as day. “Oh, it fits,” Natalie gushes. “Miss Jackie Taylor totally fits.”

“I could get a diploma or something. It shouldn’t put me in debt, ya know?” She sheepishly says. She knew that she’s kissing her college fund goodbye. No more universities with large campuses and dorms. 

“We’ll find you somewhere,” Nat reassures her. “You’re totally gonna do it.”

“It’ll work out,” Jackie attempts to share the optimism.

“Why teacher?” Nat asks as they’re looking at each other. “Are the kids in the kindergarten that cute?”

“They are pretty adorable, but I dunno,” she shrugs. “Someone ought to be nice to the kids.”

“Huh,” Nat says, looking back up. “I think I get it now.”

“What?” Jackie curiously leans her head closer to Nat’s.

“You’re the catcher in the rye,” she has a small cheeky grin on her face.

“So you did read the book,” Jackie laughs. She’s incredibly endeared by the analogy.

“Come on, Jack. I took English in school too,” she humorously scoffs. 

“The catcher in the rye,” Jackie repeats with a breathy laugh.

“Or Miss Honey,” Natalie nods to herself. “Yeah, you’d be more like her.”

“Miss Honey from Matilda?”

“Yeah. Just awfully fuckin’ sweet,” Nat softly smiles with her eyes closed. Jackie’s laying on her side, hands folded by her head, and she’s just staring at Nat as her chest calmly rises and falls.

“I love you.”

Falling in love with Shauna was like sinking in quicksand, and living with her parents felt like drowning in thick molasses. Jackie leans back to stare at the sky, and thinks that Natalie feels a whole lot like the stream of sunlight that breaks through the clouds, and falls warmly on her face. 

When a gust of wind comes by, Jackie tears a patch of grass with her hand, and lifts it to see it fly away in the air. 

“You never really wear rings,” Natalie points out when she looks at her hand.

Jackie wanted to say that half of her jewelry was in Shauna’s room, the same way half of Shauna’s belongings was in hers. 

“Take this one,” Nat says, pulling one from her middle finger and she puts it on Jackie’s index finger. “Gold looks better on you than me.”

But Jackie chooses not to say anything. She looks at the ring on her finger; it’s got some tiny red stones on it. Very pretty. She turns to Natalie who doesn’t seem to think much of this exchange, and is back to her relaxed state, unassuming. 

Her heart rate starts to pick up, but Jackie keeps looking at her until she gets the courage to lean in, and kiss her cheek as her own cheeks are blushing red. 

She thanks god that Natalie only reacts by giving her a genuinely surprised grin, and Jackie holds back from kissing her dimple again. She just moves closer and puts her head on Nat’s arm that's bent by her head, and she seems to welcome her in. They look into each other’s eyes for a little bit, lazy smiles on their faces, before Natalie takes a deep breath and turns her head to look up. 

“I love you.”

——

It’s a small kindergarten near the suburbs, and Jackie’s the only one on the desk while everyone else is busy with the children in the classrooms, or elsewhere. Jackie’s sorting out the list of the kids who take the school’s bus and the ones whose guardians pick them up when she hears someone tapping on the glass door.

It’s Natalie peeking in by cupping her head and looking into the window of the door. When she sees that Jackie’s alone, she comfortably waltzes in. 

“Hey,” Jackie brightens, although a little confused by Natalie’s presence.

“Hey,” Natalie excitedly greets her with her arms folded behind her, and she’s swaying on her heels.

“What are you doing here?” Jackie asks, finding Nat’s stature amusing.

“I wanna show you something,” she sneakily says in a whisper. Jackie remembers the first time they ever spoke to each other, for some reason.

“What is it?” She matches her low tone. 

Natalie gives her a look, then she takes something out of her pocket and places it on the desk. They’re car keys. 

“I did it,” Natalie simply says. “I bought a car.”

“Oh my god,” Jackie laughs in shock. “That fast?”

“It’s been going on for a while. I just thought it’d be more fun to surprise you,” she shrugs. “Come on out, you need to see it!”

“Dunno if I can,” she cranes her neck to the hallway to see if anyone’s out.

“Just tell ‘em I’m here to see the school for my niece,” Natalie easily solves. 

Jackie leaves her desk and follows her outside, “do you even have a niece?” She asks. 

“I only have Frankie.” 

“Right,” Jackie giggles. 

Nat proudly walks to a dark gray 1999 Camry. She leans by the hood and says, “so, whadya think?”

“Oh, wow,” she says happily, then goes to quickly hug Nat. “Congratulations! This is huge.”

“Thanks,” Nat responds. They’re standing side by side.

“It’s in pretty good shape,” Jackie sincerely compliments. “How much did you pay?”

“It was around two grand,” Nat says. 

“This car is barely five years old,” Jackie widens her eyes. “Who sold it for only two thousand?”

“Kev’s friend’s older sister,” she answers. “But she was desperate to get rid of it, and I may or may not have taken advantage of that desperation,” she purposely looks away from Jackie.

“Oh, you’re good,” Jackie compliments with suspicious eyes. “You’re too good, Scatorccio.”

“Yeah,” Natalie nods, looking at the vehicle. “Now the dream’s half complete.”

Right. Natalie wants to leave as well. 

“What’s the other half?”

“I dunno,” she shrugs with an easy smile. “I’m just waiting for you at the finish line.”

“I’m on my way,” Jackie says playfully but there’s no lack of honesty there. “I promise.”

“I know,” Natalie confidently nods.

It’s still cruel, but maybe a little less now. 

——

“So, how do I look?” Jackie poses with her cowboy hat. 

Frankie, sitting politely on the coffee table, tilts her head and meows. 

“I’m not going for cute though,” Jackie pouts and whines. “I’m dressed to impress. I need to be more than cute.”

She meows and purrs again, as if genuinely responding to Jackie. 

“No, Frankie,” she crouches down so they’re eye to eye. “Just because we’re your parents, it doesn’t mean we’re together.”

The metallic tag with her name on it makes a jingling sound when she goes to nuzzle her snout on Jackie’s cheek. 

“Am I being ridiculous?” She sighs while she asks the cat. But Frankie just seems to care about being snuggled. “You’re a sweet one, aren’t you?” Jackie smiles as she picks her up to give her little head a kiss. 

She goes by the mirror to look at her reflection. The cowboy hat does compliment her face and haircut, and her makeup looks good as well. It’s not just cute, it’s kinda hot. 

It’s Halloween tonight, and Nat told her that they should dress up and celebrate at this nearby college town. So, she put some effort into buying a new denim skirt, a vest, some boots, and a cowboy hat. She doesn’t forget to put Nat’s ring in the gold chain of her heart necklace. It’s the final touch for this look. She hopes Nat notices it. 

Before leaving, she sets Frankie’s dinner and refills her water bowl. 

“I’ll probably be a little late so don’t stay up waiting for me, okay?” Jackie tells the cat. “You got your food, water, and toys. You should be good, right?”

Francesca goes to drink her water.

“Okay,” she nods, and heads to the door. “Bye, Frankie.”

 

The block is bustling with people in masks and costumes, cars flying by, and she hears loud music coming from somewhere that she can’t pinpoint. 

She puts the phone in her ear, and waits until she hears Natalie say, “hey, you here?“

“Yeah,” Jackie looks around. “I’m outside, but I’m not sure where the address is.”

“Wait. Give me a sec,” Nat says. Jackie can hear her moving around. 

“Can you see me?” Jackie’s turning her head in every direction to spot her.

“Uhhh,” Nat says slowly, a little muffled. “Yeah, I think that’s you.”

“Where?”

“Look behind you, cowgirl,” Nat says. Jackie can hear her smiling.

As Jackie turns around, a paper airplane hits her shoulder and falls by her boots. She looks at it, then she looks up at the building where it came from.

“Howdy, Jack,” Nat says from a balcony on the first floor in the building. She’s pretending to tip an invisible hat. 

“Hey,” Jackie says, slightly breathless. 

I’ve never seen her in a dress before.

“Meet me in the middle?” Nat asks her. 

“Sure,” she nods. 

She goes to the side door to the apartment building since the main entrance is for a bar. There’s a ton of people everywhere. It’s mostly dark, and there’s kaleidoscope lights in every few corners which look terrible with the yellow lights on the walls. 

But it’s not hard to spot Nat; the girl in the flowy white dress with an emerald green ribbon around her neck. Her hair is pulled into two loose low buns but long bangs are still framing her face. 

“Glad you didn’t get lost,” Natalie jokes when she hugs in the staircase. 

“Almost did,” Jackie smiles. 

When they pull away, Natalie immediately sees the ring in the chain. “Hey!” She cheers, and she touches it to center the two pendants. “Look at that.”

“Do you like it?”

“I love the whole get-up.”

“I love your costume too. You look great,” she says a bit nervously. “I’m not sure who you’re supposed to be.”

They’re leaning by the wall of the stairs, facing each other. People are coming up and down constantly, but it’s barely felt as the music is blaring loudly. 

“Well, there’s this girl who always had a ribbon around her neck, because if you pull it off…” Nat acts out a neck-slice motion. 

“Don’t think I’ve heard that story before.“

“Well, does the costume work at least?”

“It definitely works,” Jackie enthusiastically confirms. 

“Amazing,” Nat nods. She grabs her hand to lead her upstairs. “C’mon. I’ll introduce you to some people.”

“Yeah, okay.” 

Jackie interlaces their fingers together, and Nat squeezes the grip in approval.

 

The four apartment doors on the floor are all open. They go inside one of them, and find Kevyn with some friends gathered by the kitchen counter. 

“Oh hey, Jackie!” He waves at her.

“Hey, Kev,” she smiles at him and gives her a quick side hug. 

“Awesome costume.”

“Thanks. I like yours, too.” It’s a low-effort vampire costume. 

“Thanks,” he beams at her. 

“Guys, this is Jackie Taylor,” Natalie introduces. “She’s a good friend of ours.”

They all greet her, and offer her a drink. Jackie can tell that they all recognize her from the TV, but none of them really mention until one of the girls says, “you’re way prettier in real life.”

“Oh,” Jackie shyly says. “Thank you.”

“Where are you from?” One of the guys, maybe Marcus, asks her. “Around here?”

“No. I’m from New Jersey.”

“Oh, so you were all friends back home?” He points to Nat and Kevyn.

“No, but we knew some of the same people.”

“Different schools,” Nat explains. She has a loose arm around Jackie’s shoulders.

“Oh, that’s cool.”

 

There’s a lot of drinking, some dancing, and bar hopping. Jackie remains attached to Nat’s hips as they stick around with the same group. A part of her is nervous about showcasing this much physical affection towards Nat in front of a lot of strangers, but in a way, no one really pays mind when girls do it; it’s what they do, Jackie supposes. 

Or maybe they just don’t care. Jackie can never be sure of that. 

But the nervousness alleviates when they’re at some crowded bar, or maybe a club, Jackie can’t tell; it’s all dark and loud alike. She knows that Nat is behind her, so she reaches out with both hands, and feels her hands in hers. 

Jackie pulls her closer until Nat’s arms wrapped up around her waist while they’re dancing to the music and swaying mindlessly. 

It’s funny. Maybe liquid courage was all they needed, and the pregaming they did at the apartment is catching up to them. 

But oh, it feels so good to have her this close. Jackie closes her eyes, and tips her head back next to Nat’s head. 

“I’m really glad you’re here,” Natalie says into her ear.

“Me, too.”

It’s really difficult to feel the presence of anyone else in the world right now. Jackie’s mind can’t comprehend anyone else that could possibly be in their proximity. It’s just them. 

 

It’s way after midnight when they separate from the group, and Kevyn tells he won’t be back until the morning. Nat and Jackie are idly walking around town, holding hands, hoping they’ll eventually make it back into the apartment since it’s getting cold. Jackie’s glad that Nat actually brought her leather jacket, and is wearing it over her dress.

Natalie picks up her pace. She’s jogging quicker, dragging a tipsy Jackie behind her.

“Wait,” Jackie says through giggles. 

“What?” Natalie tilts her head, and smiles at her. She lifts Jackie’s arm and gives her a spin as she gets closer. 

“Are we far?” 

“Are you rushing to get home?” 

“With you?” Jackie challenges, suddenly feeling bold. “Yeah, I’m rushing.”

“Then, c’mon,” Nat grabs her waist so they’re moving. “We got places to be.”

“Far?” 

“Can’t recognize the street?” Natalie jokes.

“Uhhh,” she slurs, face flushed. “Not really.”

“You’re a cute drunk, you know that?”

“I told Francesca I wasn’t going with cute tonight,” Jackie pouts her lips. 

“You talk to Frankie?” 

“All the time.”

“Well, you look really fucking hot tonight,” Natalie tells her. 

“You think so?” Jackie’s still a bit whiny.

“A hundred percent.”

“Good,” Jackie nods. “You’re the only one who I wanted to hear that from.”

“Yeah?” Nat turns to her.

“Yeah. The prettiest girl in the world,” Jackie says so genuinely that Nat feels shy all of the sudden.

“Thanks, Jack.”

“Uh-huh.”

 

They finally make it to Kevyn and Nat’s place. Before they go inside, Nat leans her back on the wall, and faces Jackie with a warm smile.

“Did you have fun tonight?” She asks Jackie.

“Yeah,” she nods, looking at her fingers playing with Nat’s hand.

“I’m happy, Jack,” Natalie says. “I feel really fucking happy.”

“I’m really happy too,” Jackie says.

“Yeah?” Nat purses her lips, and both their eyes are glassy.

“Yeah.”

Natalie looks down and she coughs out a nervous laugh, “can I ask you something?” She looks hesitant and sweetly nervous.

“Anything.”

“I uhh— my friends always say that I don’t ask for much,” she starts, looking at Jackie’s fingers tap on her palm. “But I feel like—“ she interrupts herself to look at Jackie. “I feel like I’m asking for the whole world when I wanna ask to kiss you.”

There it is. Jackie’s heart leaps and starts drumming, but it’s not anxiousness, it’s excitement all over.

“You wanna kiss me?” She playfully asks, easing the tension in Natalie’s hand.

“Yeah,” she nods, bumping her head on the wall. The hallway is dimly lit, it feels like a spotlight is centered on the two of them. It’s only them in this world. 

Jackie takes a step forward. She lets go of Nat’s hand, and places her hand on Natalie’s shoulder to slightly stand on her toes as she finally puts her lips on hers. 

Natalie immediately takes her in, and deepens the kiss. She takes a sharp breath as she holds her waist to bring them closer together 

“I love you.”

“I’ve been waiting for a while now,” Jackie whispers when they pull away. 

“Me, too,” she nods. Their faces are still so close to each other that Nat kisses her just one more time.

“You know, you can ask for more,” Jackie’s voice drops a sultry tone. 

“Can I?” Nat plays along with the flirty exchange.

“Of course.” Jackie shrugs, and she looks at Nat with her big eyes.

“Can I ask you to stay the night?” She leans in to kiss her again. This time she tastes her tongue, and she’s just craving for some more. 

“Hmm,” Jackie hums into the kiss, and says quietly, “more.”

“Can you stay in the morning?” Natalie asks. “I wanna wake up next to you. In my bed.”

They’re moving in synchronicity; Nat’s still holding on to her, her hands moving underneath her top, and Jackie has a hold of neck.

“More,” Jackie pleads in between kisses before breaking away to catch some air. Maybe it’s not the best idea for them to be out in the hallway. Nat manages to open the door and they both enter, still wrapped up around each other.

They continue locking lips by the entrance until Nat pauses and puts her forehead on hers. They look into each other’s eyes for a moment before she shyly smiles and says, “I’m gonna ask for something crazy.”

“I don’t mind,” Jackie shrugs, arms wrapped around Nat’s neck.

Natalie tightens her grip, so they’re chest to chest. Their hearts are both rapidly beating at the same pace. “Let’s leave together,” she says quietly. “I’ll fill the tank up, and we’ll just leave.”

Jackie looks around the apartment. It’s still dark, they didn’t open any of the lights yet, save of the street lights outside pouring in and Kevyn’s forgotten light from his bedroom. 

“And where would we go?” She asks calmly. Nat’s request doesn’t scare her at all. 

Natalie wears a half-smile when she understands that this is a ‘yes’ from her. She takes a deep breath, and shrugs, “somewhere pretty.”

“Like…” Jackie drags on, her eyes dropping to Nat’s mouth. She doesn’t waste an opportunity to steal some kisses. 

“Wherever we want— with Frankie, of course. I heard Colorado’s pretty. Or Maine— we could live by the docks. Even the west coast, if we feel like it.”

“I’d go anywhere with you,” Jackie says. 

They’re dreaming together; that’s what it is. Who knows how much of this they can actually afford, but they want to do it together. They don’t have much to lose except each other which maybe does feel like the whole world. 

Jackie slowly pulls away the green ribbon, and slides off her leather jacket as Nat helps her out of the vest. They stumble into her bedroom, and before they fall into her bed, Nat carefully takes off Jackie's cowboy hat, and sweetly pats down her hair, tucking some strands behind her ears. 

“You know you can ask for more,” Jackie challenges, pushing it just a little further. 

Natalie holds her hand, and walks her to bed to sit. Before they lay down, Nat deeply kisses her one more time before asking the question that scared her the most.

“Do you think you can fall in love with me?” She says like it’s a sacred confession, and Jackie feels like she’s holding Nat’s beating heart in her palms. 

But I already do. 

Jackie takes her hands, and covers them with both of hers, maybe it’s the closest to holding her actual heart. 

“I love you.” It’s at the very tip of her tongue, no longer echoing from the cracks of hollow caves inside of her. 

“I think I can do that,” she gazes into her deep blue eyes. That’s how it started, hasn’t it? The long lingering looks. 

“Yeah?” Nat smiles with obvious relief.

“Wanna bet on me again?”

“Easy.”

And that’s all it takes to fall. 

 

Notes:

- as I was writing this, I thought “wow, Nat’s a real cutie in this fic” and idk I like this soft, charming Nat who just incredibly kind (which she always is, I know!)

- here to declare that I am no Shauna anti…I actually really like her, and have so much empathy for her. It’s just that idk how to write her at all.

- this fic plays like a movie in my head. I was just wondering if I can write a full-fic that’s short and complete. Which is different from my zombie fic and porch lights fic. Anyway, I’m glad I did this, it was fun and if I have an idea for a different story, I might follow this shorter format (shorter from my usual)

- ladynonsense, who loves teacher Jackie…that nugget is literally for you!

- anyway, I’ll go back to writing my next porch lights chapter. Should be more fun and cathartic, I’m excited!

 

Thanks for the read. I truly and genuinely appreciate it! Share your thoughts with me, I love reading them and seeing what’s on your mind when you read my works!