For Better or For Worse

by ainsalaco

Summary:

Sakusa Kiyoomi and Miya Atsumu have been teammates for two years. Despite Sakusa's stanch refusal to hang out with the rest of the team, Atsumu nags him until he finally relents. After the first time, it becomes a little easier for Atsumu to needle Sakusa into coming out with them. Through this, they forge a friendship that surprises most of the team.
Despite both of them having feelings for one another, neither of them act on them, both of them deciding that maybe they aren't ready to date yet. After a lengthy heart to heard about their hangups, the two do decide to date, though they keep it silent.
Though, nothing stays silent for long on a team with nosy teammates.

Notes:

I'm really bad at tagging T.T please, if I missed anything feel free to drop a comment.

Chapter 1: Chapter One

Miya Osamu frowned, watching his brother flit from one side of the court to the other. It was just a practice match, and it didn’t seem like the two teams were taking it seriously. That, however, was not what was confusing him. When the team split for water, he watched his brother teasing the other teammates, chuckling to himself when he got teased in return. He laughed out loud when Atsumu turned towards him and stuck his tongue out, already knowing that Osamu was laughing at him. Ah, good old twins’ intuition.  

When the practice ended, Osamu raised a brow at Atsumu. “Him? Really?” He asked as they stepped out of the gym together.

Atsumu narrowed his eyes at his brother. “What’re ya talkin’ ‘bout?” He grumbled, but Osamu could tell that Atsumu knew what he was talking about.

“Sakusa?” He said, nudging his brother.

“Dunno what yer talkin’ ‘bout,” Atsumu protested.

“Like hell, ya don’t,” Osamu teased, dropping it for now, if only because they were still within hearing range of some of their other teammates filing out of the locker room. After a brief period of silence, Atsumu finally spoke up. They talked animatedly for the duration of the short walk from practice to Atsumu’s apartment. They chatted about all sorts of topics, ranging from holiday plans to the intricacies of being a sole proprietor of a shop that sold only rice balls.

Sometimes it still threw Atsumu for a loop if he thought too long about how much time he spent away from his brother. For the first 21 years of their lives, they were attached at the hip, barely ever spending more than a couple of days, a week at most, away from each other. They had bunk beds until they moved out of their mom’s house, and shared classes, meals, and practice. Moving out had been one of the hardest things Atsumu had ever done. He would probably never admit it to anyone, but the first few weeks, him and Osamu cried to each other at night. They had been so codependent on each other for so long that it felt like losing a limb when he moved out so that Osamu could live with Suna without him accidentally walking in on them fucking… again.

Atsumu shuddered to think about it, receiving a swift smack to the back of his head. Atsumu pouted and shoved his hands in his pockets. Sometimes, being a twin sucked. “Ya really gonna open a shop in Tokyo?”

Osamu raised a brow and hummed. “Wanna,” he mumbled, “but there’s so much that goes into it, ya’know?” Atsumu did. The first Onigiri Miya had been opened in Osaka when Osamu moved with him after Atsumu was scouted by the MSBY Black Jackals. Atsumu had been there every excruciating step of the way, for the bad days and the good days.

“Rin’s gonna move with ya?”

“I hope so,” Osamu said. “He got an offer from a team in Tokyo.”

Atsumu hummed, thinking about what it would be like without his brother around. He hated the idea, but he was still determined to be the happier twin.

They kicked off their shoes as they entered Atsumu’s apartment. “Was I really that obvious about likin’ Omi?” Atsumu mused aloud as they wandered into the kitchen to cook dinner.

“Nah. I just know what you look like when ya got a crush,” Osamu teased. “You get them easily enough.”

He shoved his brother, causing him to laugh as one shove turned into two, then three, then what equated to an all-out brawl as they prepped food. They were so wrapped up in their own world that neither of them heard the door open or the footsteps approaching until they were both being smacked across the back of the head. They pouted as they looked at Suna, silently they got back to work with the actual cooking. “What are you even arguing about this time?” He asked, turning on the sink to wash his hands so that he could help.

Atsumu’s kitchen was much too small for three grown adults, but they had known each other long enough that working around each other was a nonissue. “’ Tsumu has a crush.”

“That’s nothing new,” Suna deadpanned, placing another rice ball onto the already towering plate of rice balls.

“It’s Sakusa,” Osamu continued, ignoring his brother’s undignified squawk at being called out for falling for people quickly.

“Too bad he’s too chicken shit to ever act on it. Maybe he could be settled down by now.”

“Asshole,” Atsumu grumbled, taking the plate to the table and sitting down to wait for Suna and Osamu to wash their hands and join him. “Some of us just are more focused on our careers.”

Osamu raised a brow in defiance. “I think I’m pretty focused on my career,” he pointed out, “Rin too.”

“I don’t know. I think Atsumu is probably more obsessed with volleyball than I am,” Suna added around a mouthful of rice. “But I don’t think it’s an adequate excuse.”

Atsumu hung his head, “I mean, yer right that I get crushes easily. Guys can just be so pretty sometimes,” He said, thinking of Kita or Sakusa, “Or fascinating.” That time he thought about Hinata, and how he had become completely enamored with him for a few brief weeks in high school, though he got over it pretty fast. “So, like, what happens if I date one of ‘em, and then I get another crush. That would be the worst.”

Osamu and Suna mulled that over, “Well, not dating isn’t going to make you settle down any sooner than dating and breaking up.”

Atsumu groaned, banging his head on the table. “But Omi’s a teammate. Plus, he prolly wouldn’t wanna date me anyway.”

“You are pretty gross.” Atsumu didn’t even lift his head off the table to chuck a rice ball at Osamu, culminating in an all-out food fight that left the boys sulkily cleaning the kitchen for the rest of the evening.

 

“Omi-kun!” Atsumu said, sending a perfect toss over his head and backward for Sakusa to spike. It had taken a lot of getting used to the way Sakusa seemed to analyze every toss in the beginning. If he found that it wasn’t up to snuff, he would just not hit it, which pissed Atsumu off. Luckily, that only happened a few times in the beginning while Atsumu adjusted for Sakusa’s freaky wrists. But now, they had been on the same team for well over a year. They were like a well-oiled machine, and Sakusa barely ever scrutinized a toss before hitting it.

After a well-played and hard-won match, Atsumu sidled up to Sakusa. “Ya gonna come out fer drinks?”

“Do I ever?” Sakusa asked, taking a deep breath as he pulled his jacket over his shoulders. “Bars are disgusting.”

Atsumu hummed. “What if we all drink at Osamu’s restaurant?”

Sakusa turned to look at Atsumu, his gaze questioning. “Why do you always ask even though you know I’m going to say no?”

Pursing his lips, Atsumu thought of a reason that didn’t involve admitting his undying love for the man. “It’s team bonding, I think ya should join in sometimes.”

“I bond with the team for several hours a day during practice, I don’t see why I have to go to some dingy bar where everyone is just going to wander off to find someone to bed for the night.”

Atsumu whistled. “Ya don’t really got high opinions of us, do ya?” He was trailing out of the locker room after Sakusa. “No one is goin’ out to hook up,” he said. “Plus, I just offered you a nice, clean restaurant rather than a bar!”

Sakusa took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “If I go this one time, will you leave me alone?”

“Prolly not.”

Sakusa’s face scrunched up in what Atsumu assumed was irritation, but with a long exhale, Sakusa leveled him with an unimpressed gaze. “Just. This. Once.”

Atsumu’s face split into a grin so wide it hurt his cheeks. He never in a million years assumed that Sakusa would say yes, regardless of Atsumu’s consistent badgering.

“I’ll call ‘Samu!” He cheered. He wandered off to do just that, getting a good tongue-lashing from Osamu since he was getting ready to clean up and head home. By the time he got off the call, everyone had filed out of the gym and was waiting in a group, with Sakusa a safe-feeling distance away from them. “’ Samu is hosting!” He called, “We just gotta pick up the booze, ‘cause he doesn’t serve alcohol.”

The team made their way to the Onigiri shop quickly, with about four of the players going into the Konbini for the beers. When they finally arrived at the store, the closed sign was flipped out, but Atsumu just shoved his way in, letting the rest of the team in. He saw his brother standing behind the counter with his arms crossed as he watched the multitude of volleyball players file in.

Normally, Osamu would have said no. Not just because the place was already cleaned up after the last customers left, but because volleyball players could put food away like no one’s business. This time was different though, Osamu smirked to himself as he saw Sakusa come through the door. He was shocked that his brother had managed to convince Sakusa to come. Seeing as a stipulation of Sakusa going out with the team was that they ate at Onigiri Miya, Osamu had decided to take pity on his brother’s poor excuse of a love life. “ ’Tsumu, I started the rice, but yer fuckin’ helpin’ me make these.” But not too much pity.

Atsumu mock saluted his brother, walking behind the counter and scrubbing his hands before donning an apron and getting to work. Some of the volleyball players ended up sitting at the bar, looking into the kitchen so they could chat and laugh with the twins, while others sat around the tables in the main dining area.

Sakusa looked up from his phone when he heard the plate touch down on the counter in front of him. He analyzed the food for a few brief seconds before looking up, about to protest. “They got umeboshi in ‘em.”

Sakusa blinked surprised. “I didn’t know you knew I liked that.”

Atsumu snorted unattractively. “I pay attention to my friends!” He said proudly, putting his hands on his hips. They had been on the same team for over a year, obviously, Atsumu had picked up on some things at least. Their friendship had grown slowly over the time that they had played together, mostly due to Sakusa’s staunch refusal to go out with the team. Their bonding had been, therefore, mostly relegated to teasing jabs and biting remarks on the court or in the locker rooms. Atsumu particularly liked it when they ended up in the weight room together after practice.

Sakusa looked at the rice balls for another second, “It’s just… hands.” He mumbled, glad that the rest of the players were making such a big ruckus that they weren’t paying attention.

“Hands?”

Sakusa worried his lip for a second before sighing and leaning back somewhat in the stool, not enough to upend himself, but enough that Atsumu got worried he would. “Hands are one of the dirtiest parts of the human body. So many bacteria live under your fingernails. So many people don’t wash their hands after using the restroom.” Sakusa let out an involuntary shudder. “Therefore, I don’t enjoy eating foods that were made with bare hands.”

Atsumu listened, but after a second, he laid his hands flat on the counter, surprising Sakusa who looked at him confused. “I’m a setter,” he started. “I take impeccable care of my nails and my hands, they are literally my life.” Sakusa looked down at the near-perfectly manicured nails, not a speck of dirt stuck under a nail. “An’ I washed my hands thoroughly before startin’.” Sakusa could see that Atsumu was trying to convince him to eat it, and he scowled. Trying a different approach, “What if I make s’more, but I wear gloves? ‘Samu’s got food-safe gloves in the closet for when he cuts his fingers.”

“… Fine. I don’t know why you want me to eat them so bad, but, sure.”

Atsumu grinned and took the plate, giving it to the other players to devour. He went to the closet and pulled out a pair of gloves, washing his hands again since he touched the counter, and beginning the process of making the umeboshi-filled onigiri all over again.

Osamu nudged him. “Tell ya later,” Atsumu murmured. Once he finished three perfect-looking onigiri he brought the plate back over to Sakusa, who was now chatting with Hinata. Well, Hinata was chatting and Sakusa occasionally gave input. He set the plate down in front of Sakusa, causing both teammates to look at him. When Hinata reached out to take one, Atsumu smacked the back of his hand. “Those’re for Omi.”

Hinata pouted but reached towards the other plates near Bokuto and Meian to pluck up an onigiri.

“Thank you,” Sakusa said. “Can I use the sink?” He asked. When Atsumu nodded, Sakusa slid himself off the stool and walked around the counter to wash his hands, while Atsumu made sure no one else tried to take Sakusa’s specially prepared rice balls.

When Sakusa returned, he gingerly picked one up, but before taking a bite he looked up at Atsumu. “Are you planning on standing there and watching me eat?” He asked, deadpan.

“Wanna make sure ya like ‘em,” Atsumu said, which was only a partial truth, but that was okay.

Sakusa rolled his eyes but bite into the onigiri, damn near groaning at the taste. It had been a long time since he had had one. He didn’t enjoy making them himself because they were sticky, and he had just explained to Atsumu why he wouldn’t eat them in a restaurant. Even the ones in the Konbini, though they were likely to be made by a machine, there was too much uncertainty for him to try. “They’re good,” He said after swallowing his first bite. He hadn’t even gotten to the center where the pickled plums were, so he could only imagine how much better the next bite would be.

Atsumu grinned. “I’m glad ya like it.” He wandered away to help Osamu clean up the kitchen now that they had used up the rice Osamu had made.

Osamu looked up at him from where he was washing dishes. “Go flirt, I’ll survive alone here,” he said with a small smirk. “I called Rin, once he’s done in the shower he’s gonna come down and help.”

Not wasting the opportunity, Atsumu ripped off the apron and grabbed the plate of onigiri he had set aside for himself. He slid into the seat next to Sakusa. “You’re too close,” Sakusa said immediately.

“Rude. I made yer very favorite onigiri,” He said as he bit into his food.

Sakusa gave him a weary look. “Don’t spit food on me.”

Atsumu chuckled, after that, conversation flowed easily from the two of them. It surprised not only Atsumu, but it seemed to surprise everyone else on the team and Osamu, who was watching his brother from the sink. To Osamu, it was glaringly obvious that Atsumu had a crush on Sakusa, but he was fairly certain that no one else would be able to tell Atsumu’s poor attempts at flirting from his naturally outgoing and exuberant personality.

A few hours after arriving, Osamu was kicking 22 drunk volleyball players out of his store, up to, and including his brother. “But ‘Samu-“ Atsumu whined, “Just let me sleep on yer couch,” he pleaded.

Osamu rolled his eyes and slapped his hands onto his brother's face, looking him in the eye. “Now is the perfect opportunity for ya to walk Sakusa home, ya scrub.”

Atsumu blinked as he processed that information. He understood, even if it took about the same amount of time as it took Microsoft Explorer to load a webpage. “Thanks!” He shouted, turning around to chase after the group of volleyball players, many of them breaking into groups. Some of them head home, and many of them head to other places to drink.

“Omi-Omi!” He shouted, getting the other’s attention.

“Osamu refused to let you sleep on the couch, then?” He teased, a smirk playing under his mask.

“I thought I could walk ya home.”

Sakusa raised an eyebrow. “I’m not letting you in.”

“I didn’t ask to go in!” Atsumu exclaimed. “Just thought we could spend a little more time together.”

“Why?”

“’Cause we were gettin’ along.”

Sakusa studied Atsumu for a second before shrugging. “Whatever, just don’t catch a cold in just your track jacket.”

“I won’t!”

 

To pretty much everyone’s surprise, Atsumu ended up getting much better at convincing Sakusa to come out with them, not always to Onigiri Miya, Osamu said once was enough, but he was weak to Atsumu. He did take pity on his brother, though, deciding to only go there if the whole team wasn’t coming. The starting lineup ended up hanging out more than the backup players anyway.

Osamu looked over at his brother flirting shamelessly with Sakusa. “Ya know. I think Sakusa likes him back,” he said, leaning against Suna’s shoulder as they washed and dried dishes.

Suna looked at the two, Atsumu leaning his elbow on the counter and cradling his face in his hand, his other hand loosely curled around a beer. His whole body was facing Sakusa, with undivided attention. Sakusa wasn’t as open with his posture, but it was clear that he was listening, and he gave thoughtful feedback to whatever Atsumu was talking about. “I think you might be right, but we can’t tell your brother. It’s too hilarious to watch him try to woo the unwooable.”

Osamu snorted and sighed. “’ Tsumu!” He yelled, causing Atsumu to start, his face slipping off his hand and nearly hitting the counter before he met his brother's gaze.

“What?”

“Lock up fer me. Rin and I are exhausted.”

Atsumu blinked at him for a moment before nodding. “Sure.” Usually, Osamu just kicked them out when him and Suna went upstairs, so he didn’t understand his change in heart today, but he wasn’t going to pass up this opportunity.

He turned his attention back to Sakusa, who was now frowning at his phone. “What’s wrong?” He mumbled, resting his face in the palm of his hand again.

“My mom wants me to come home for the holidays,” he answered.

Atsumu raised a brow, taking in the stiff posture. “That’s a bad thing?”

Sakusa pursed his lips. “It’s not necessarily a bad thing,” he said, “But… it isn’t a pleasant thing.”

Atsumu hummed, he could tell that Sakusa didn’t want to elaborate, so he talked instead, “Families are hard,” he started. “’ Samu and I fight all the time, and there were times when I slept on Bo-kun’s couch when we first moved out here.” He laughed. “But movin’ out was one of the hardest decisions to make.”

“Why did you move out? You’re still hanging out all the time, and Osamu comes to most of your matches.”

Shifting slightly, Atsumu sighed. “Well… he was datin’ Suna and stuff. I kind of felt like I was imposing. Then they fucked on the couch and I came home early from practice.” Atsumu shuddered. “I couldn’t even look at the damn couch without thinking ‘bout it anymore. Then they fucked in the kitchen, and I think they were jus’ doin’ it ta piss me off.”

Sakusa looked absolutely disgusted at the thought. “Gross.”

“I know!” Atsumu exclaimed. “At least keep it in the damn bedroom, like a normal fuckin’ person.”

Sakusa snorted, taking another sip of his beer. He was starting to feel sleepy, probably an effect of the beer. He was about to say something when a hand on Atsumu’s shoulder caught their attention. “We’re leaving, have a nice night.” Slowly, the other players filed out, being kind enough to discard their trash and stack the plates on the counter.

Without either Sakusa or Atsumu noticing, they were eventually the last two left in the restaurant. Atsumu had turned to ask Hinata a question and noticed that everyone had left. “Oh.” He blinked, his eyes bleary from a mix of exhaustion and inebriation. He looked at Sakusa and smiled at the way Sakusa was leaning against the counter, a sleepy look on his face. “Everyone’s gone.”

“Really?” He looked over Atsumu’s shoulder and furrowed his brow. “Wow. What time is it?”

Atsumu looked at his phone and cringed. “Late.” He sighed and heaved himself off the stool. “Ya can go ahead and leave too if ya want, I’m gonna wash up the dishes first.”

Sakusa stood too. “Let me help.”

Atsumu was surprised, but he smiled a real, genuine smile. “Alright. Music?”

Sakusa raised a brow. “Whatever you want to listen to.”

Fishing his phone out of his pocket, Atsumu opened a music player and put on some generic pop music, swaying to the beat. Sakusa left him to it, bringing the dishes to the sink and donning the rubber gloves to begin scrubbing them.

While Sakusa washed the dishes, Atsumu emptied the trash, wiped down the counters and stools, and mopped the floor by the counter they had been sitting at. He was so engrossed in his cleaning and dancing, that he didn’t notice when Sakusa finished washing the dishes and just leaned against the counter watching him.

“Done?” Atsumu asked when he turned towards him and noticed him standing there.

“Yes.”

“Well let’s go.” Atsumu wandered to the door that led to the apartment upstairs, reaching inside and pulling out a winter coat, sighing as the warmth enveloped him.

Sakusa shrugged his coat on, wrapping his scarf around his neck and sliding his mask back onto his face. He pulled his gloves over his fingers and waited for Atsumu to turn off the lights before heading towards the door. They left together, Sakusa holding Atsumu’s gloves so that he could lock the door, then watching as Atsumu shoved his hands roughly into them.

They walked in relative silence for the first few blocks on the way to Sakusa’s apartment building, until Sakusa broke the silence. “Why do you always walk me back?” He asked.

The cold had sobered Atsumu up enough that he understood that it probably wasn’t normal friend behavior to do such a thing. He never walked Hinata or Bokuto back to their homes after a night out. He racked his brain for a reason. “Well, I usually invite ya out, right? Just seems like the nice thing to do since I’m already forcin’ ya out. ‘Sides, I live pretty close.” Which was true, Atsumu only walked a block and a half past his own apartment building to get to Sakusa’s. No more than 10 minutes out of the way. Sakusa hummed, but he didn’t further interrogate, for which Atsumu was grateful.

 

Sakusa sighed, closing the door behind him and leaning against it for a few seconds before stripping out of his coat, gloves, hat, scarf, and mask. He kicked his shoes off and lined them up neatly in the corner before pulling his phone out of his pocket and dialing.

“Did my mom invite you over for the holidays?” Sakusa said into the microphone as he trudged into his apartment and towards the bedroom to grab a fresh change of clothing.

“Well, hello to you too, Kiyoomi.” Komori’s voice rattled through the speaker, sounding tinny and far away, Sakusa assumed he was on speakerphone.

“Sorry. Hello. Did my mom-“

“Nope. Not this time, or not yet,” Komori interjected.

Sakusa pursed his lips, taking his clothes to the bathroom and setting them on the counter before leaning against it as he spoke with his cousin. “Why am I on speaker?”

“Because I’m working on a puzzle and didn’t want to hold the phone.”

“But you’re alone?”

“Yep.”

“I think I have a crush.” The silence that followed Sakusa’s declaration lasted long enough for Sakusa to ensure the call hadn’t dropped. Twice. “Did you hear me?”

“Oh, I was waiting for the punchline,” Komori said, his voice clearer now, off speakerphone.

“I’m serious.”

Komori was silent a moment longer. “I’m just surprised. I mean, as far as I know, you haven’t had many of those, and you’ve certainly never pursued a relationship as far as I know.”

This time it was Sakusa’s time to deliver a deafening silence. After a moment, he sighed into the receiver, causing a crackling on Komori’s line. “I’m surprised too.”

“Did someone fold their handkerchief just the right way? Lint roll their jersey? Wear a mask in public for no reason other than to be cautious of germs?” Komori teased, remembering the sparkle in Sakusa’s eye after the first time he met Ushijima in the restroom and saw him fold his handkerchief wet-side-in, or when he saw their former captain lint rolling his jersey.

“No.” Sakusa pouted.

“So, who is it?”

This gave Sakusa pause. “I… I’m not telling you that.”

“Must be someone I know,” Komori deduced. “Well, either way, why are you telling me this? You don’t normally call me up to tell me this kind of stuff.”

Sakusa shuffled, even though Komori couldn’t see him. “I don’t know what to do about it.”

“Ignore it? That’s what you normally do. I mean, dating involves holding hands and kissing and sex. All things that I’m fairly certain you’re not comfortable with. Besides that, you’ll have to be open about them with your disability and what you can and cannot do. So far as I know, our family and your team doctor are the only people who know about that.”

Sakusa wrinkled his nose, even thinking about letting his mouth touch another mouth. Bacteria festered in that location, and like hell he wanted to risk that. Never mind the emotional vulnerability that would come along with dating.

“Your silence is telling.”

“It’s not like I don’t want to date,” Sakusa admitted, “but exactly what you just said scares me. I… I think I can work through some of it. Like I have with other things” such as volleyball, “but what if he’s too impatient and doesn’t want to wait for me?”

Komori hummed, not even batting an eye at the use of the word ‘he’. “Well, is that a risk you’re willing to take? If he’s willing to wait for you, then I’d say you found yourself a keeper. If he isn’t… then he just isn’t the right one for you.” There was silence again, and Komori found himself breaking it. “I think you should wait, maybe try to hang out with them as friends or whatever, if you can stomach being close to him for a long time, then that’s a step in the right direction. Everything else comes later.”        

“Right.” Sakusa took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Thanks.”

“Anytime! It’s kind of fun getting to know this side of you!”

Sakusa grunted and hung up, not bothering to say goodbye. He carefully removed his phone from its case and sprayed it with a disinfectant before placing the phone and case inside a UV light sanitizer. While the sanitizer ran its cycle, Sakusa stripped down, throwing his laundry in the hamper before making his way over to the tub and filling it with water.

He had worked with a therapist for a long time now on his mysophobia, and it wasn’t as serious now as it was in high school, at least in some ways. He didn’t really feel the need to both disinfect and sanitize his phone, for example, but it was a habit now. Sakusa checked the water temperature and dropped in some bath salts, a ½ cup exactly, to dissolve while he showered.

Sakusa went about his normal methodical cleaning habits before grabbing his phone from the sanitizer and settling into the bath. He set his timer for twenty minutes and opened an e-book to read while he soaked.

 

On their last day of practice before winter break, Atsumu caught up to Sakusa before he could leave the gym. “Wanna get a bite to eat?” He asked.

Sakusa looked over at him with a raised eyebrow, considering. “No.”

“But ya leave tomorrow to go home right?”

“And?”

“So... we ain’t gonna hang out for a while!”

Sakusa hummed, thinking that thought over, it was true, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Not having to listen to Atsumu’s incessant talking might be a nice change of pace actually. He had tried very hard not to think too much about the conversation him and Komori had a few weeks ago, but found himself unsuccessful. He came to a full stop and looked at Atsumu. “Just us then? I don’t see anyone else tagging along.”

Atsumu blinked in surprise that Sakusa was even entertaining the idea. He had expected the no at first, and he expected all subsequent attempts to be met with the same level of misery. “Ah, yeah, I was plannin’ on it jus’ bein’ us,” he mumbled, “unless that’s not okay.”

Raking his eyes over Atsumu’s frame he could tell that the other had showered in the locker room, and his clothes didn’t appear rumpled. He thought about Komori encouraging him to take baby steps.

Step one: “Come over,” He answered shortly, before turning abruptly and walking in the direction of his apartment.      

Shock kept Atsumu from following for a few moments before his brain finally caught up and he forced his feet to carry him forward again. “Ya mean to yer apartment?”

“Obviously.”

“Not obvious at all!” Atsumu exclaimed, stopping himself from reaching out to stop Sakusa from walking. “You’ve never let anyone into yer home before!”

Sakusa sighed. “You’re right. But I have food in my fridge that I have to get rid of before I leave town anyway. So, you may as well help me with that.”

Atsumu could see the logic in the argument, but he kind of thought that Sakusa made that up. Rather than pushing and being told he could not, in fact, come over, he decided to shut his mouth. He had that ability when it benefited him. The silence remained the rest of the short walk, and once inside the apartment Sakusa told Atsumu to stay in the genkan while he grabbed guest slippers.

The more Atsumu hung out with Sakusa outside of practice, the more he noticed small details, details that he had never put much stock into. For one, he always noticed that he tapped door frames before he walked in. It was something that never really phased Atsumu until he saw him do it going into his own home. It was three short raps of his knuckles, almost like a knock, but not loud enough to actually get anyone’s attention. He didn’t know why he was only just noticing it, but he did. He also realized that Sakusa didn’t sanitize his hands immediately afterwards, which made him wonder if Sakusa knew he did it.

Sakusa did have a pair of guest slippers, Komori used them on the few occasions that he had come over after a match. He handed them to Atsumu, who dutifully switched his shoes for them and hung up his coat and scarf, shoving his gloves into his coat pocket. Atsumu stepped into the apartment, looking around to see how much information he could glean before he was told to leave. One thing, which he expected, was that it was clean. Immaculate even. He was surprised to see some potted plants by the window sill, but he supposed not liking germs didn’t equate to not liking plants.

He looked at some of the photos that were hung around the room, none of them seemed to be of his family, except one that had Komori in it, though that was a byproduct of it being of the Itachiyama volleyball team. A lot of them were landscapes or animals. Soon enough he wandered into the kitchen and watched Sakusa heating udon over the stovetop. “Ya could’ve just microwaved it.”

Sakusa chuckled. “Yeah, I could have, but it tastes better and stays hot longer when it’s heated over the stovetop.” It also kills bacteria better, but Sakusa didn’t want to say that.

Atsumu shrugged, that was a good point. He rifled through the cabinets until Sakusa snapped at him to quit touching everything. “I was wondering how much I could get away with.” He laughed, only to earn a stern glare from Sakusa. “Can I do anything to help?”

With a heavy sigh Sakusa waved his hand towards the refrigerator. “Grab us some drinks. Help yourself to the alcohol if that’s what you would like. I’ll take a green tea.”

Doing as instructed, he noticed a list on the front of the fridge with Sakusa’s illegible but beautiful handwriting. “You have a lot on this shopping list.” He noted. He looked around the decent apartment. “Table?” He asked, realizing that he hadn’t actually seen one.

“I like to get all of my shopping out of the way at one time to minimize the amount of time I have to spend in the store,” he explained. “Usually I eat at the counter.” He said, motioning towards the small section of counter separating the kitchen from the living room. “There are stools on the other side. But we can just eat on the couch.”

He supposed the shopping list made sense, especially considering that he knew Sakusa hated germs, it was hard not to know that if anyone knew the guy for more than 5 minutes. It was the invitation to eat on the couch that surprised Atsumu, he would have assumed a strict, no-eating-on-the-couch policy, especially since the couch was white. “Okay.” He made his way over and sat down heavily on the couch in the living room, running his hand over the soft fabric covering, then over the knitted blanket that he had thrown over the back, it was clearly old and well loved. He could notice a few spots where it had been repaired. “Where’d ya get this?” He asked craning his neck to tip his head backwards and look at Sakusa.

“My grandmother and I made it,” He said.

“Wow, she’s talented,” Atsumu said with a low whistle.

Sakusa stepped out of the kitchen with two dishes in his hands, he kicked Atsumu’s leg as he made his way to the other end of the short couch. He set the plates down on the table, frowned then picked his own up and put it down again. “Don’t spill on my couch or you’re buying me a new one,” Sakusa threatened.

Atsumu laughed and picked up the bowl of hot udon. “It looks great!”

Sakusa hummed noncommittally and grabbed the remote, flipping the TV onto the latest EJP vs Warriors game and settled in to eat.

Atsumu was extra careful to not spill anything on the couch, once he finished he set his bowl down on the coffee table and leaned back into the couch with a sigh. “Komori is a great libero,” He observed.

“So is Inunaki,” Sakusa pointed out, placing his bowl on top of Atsumu’s and standing to bring them to the kitchen. “Although, I think Komori is more apt at getting Wakatoshi’s spikes. Inunaki still struggles with them.”

Atsumu nodded. “That’s prolly ‘cause Komori gets a lot of practice in receiving Ushiwaka’s spikes.” He chuckled. “granted, I think the spin you put on the ball is nastier than Ushiwaka’s.” Sakusa smiled to himself, setting the dishes in the sink before returning to the couch for the remainder of the match. Once the match finished, Atsumu stood and stretched his back. “Alright, I’ll leave ya alone now.” He laughed.

Sakusa assessed him for a moment before shrugging. “We could watch another match if you wanted.”

Atsumu was surprised at the offer and floundered for a second before grinning, “I’d love ta. But I gotta piss.”

Sakusa huffed. “You can use my bathroom, Miya,” He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, but it still surprised Atsumu. He didn’t expect to ever step foot inside this apartment, now he was going to be allowed to use the restroom? He almost felt like teasing Sakusa, but he wasn’t going to ruin… whatever the hell was going on. “Last door on the right,” He said, waving towards the hallway.

“Thanks!” Atsumu, as much as he wanted to snoop, he decided to do his business, wash his hands, and return to the couch. Although, it wasn’t like he didn’t look around while he did those things. “Ya sure do have a lotta products,” he said, propping one arm up on the back of the couch and angling his body slightly towards Sakusa.

Sakusa rolled his eyes. “I take care of myself. And I have curly hair,” he said, like that explained everything.

“What’s curly hair gotta do with it?”

“Curly hair is a bitch to take care of,” he explained, looking at Atsumu’s hair, “Like, you don’t have much of a wave to your hair, so you probably just shower and comb it and gel it, right?” Atsumu nodded, adding that sometimes he blow-dried it. “With curly hair, it gets tangled easily, meaning that it breaks if you comb it. So, basically, some of the stuff in my shower is for softening, de-tangling, moisturizing. It’s honestly terrible.”

“That does sound terrible.” Atsumu chuckled, “But yer hair looks a lot softer now than it did in high school.”

“That’s because I did my research,” he said with a soft laugh.

“But ya don’t bring all that with you to the gym.”

“Why would I? My hair isn’t going to fall out because I wet my scalp in the locker room.”

Atsumu understood that, it wasn’t like Atsumu always did his hair all over again after getting out of the shower in the locker rooms. Only when they were going out after, he was trying to impress someone after all. “That’s true,” he said, quieting down after that so they could watch the match in relative silence.

Sometimes either one of them would break that silence to comment on the game, something one of the teams could have done better or how they would have reacted to a certain play. Atsumu had gotten used to watching matches alone after moving out of Osamu’s apartment, he forgot how nice it was to talk through strategies with someone who got it .

When the second match ended, it was dark outside and Atsumu was grateful that his walk was short. “I better get home,” he said, a small, sleepy smile tugging on his lips. “I gotta pack tonight or Osamu’ll be mad at me.”

Sakusa nodded, standing. “I need to pack as well.”

“This was fun though! We should do it more often. Next time I’ll cook for you,” he said.

“I can’t even imagine what my kitchen would look like after something like that. Probably like a nuclear waste sight.”

“Hey!” Atsumu protested as he slipped into his coat. “I’m a great cook! Maybe not as good as Osamu, but ya don’t grow up in a house with someone like him without learnin’ a thing or two.”

Sakusa laughed at that. “Good night Miya.”

Atsumu grinned. “Good night! Good luck with your family thing,” he said, finally getting his shoes on and slipping out the door into the cold December night.

Chapter 2: Chapter Two

Osamu and Suna met Atsumu at his apartment the next morning to walk to the train station, this was mostly because Atsumu’s apartment was closer, but also because Osamu hadn’t trusted Atsumu to get his packing done on time. Luckily for Osamu though, after Atsumu got home from Sakusa’s apartment he couldn’t stop thinking about how happy he was to have been in Sakusa’s apartment. And not for just a short time either, but he had been there a couple hours, laughing and joking. He knew that they could get along, they had proved that through the team outings, but they often spent so much time picking on each other, teasing each other, or generally making life hard for the other one that sometimes Atsumu forgot that they got along. Still, he knew they considered each other friends.

Atsumu was a naturally confrontational person. He always had been, sometimes he liked to blame that on being a twin, but Osamu wasn’t like that so he didn’t think he could. Always having someone be compared to you, always having the person next to you one step ahead or at your level, it breeds an insane amount of competitiveness. He got used to having that on his team, of always having someone to nag. Now that he didn’t play volleyball with Osamu, he picked on Sakusa and some of the other players. It was different with Sakusa though, they clicked, Sakusa gave as good as he got. He always toed the line but never went too far, Atsumu always gave him the same curtesy. They could pick on each other for their volleyball, or their shit personalities, or for Atsumu’s “piss colored hair”, or Sakusa’s freaky wrists. With all that material to work with it was easy to avoid the more sensitive topics, Atsumu never made fun of Sakusa for his mysophobia and Sakusa never made fun of Atsumu for his codependency on his brother. To each their own complex.

Atsumu jerked upright when Osamu called his name. “Wha?”

“What’re ya spacing out for?”

“Jus’ thinkin.”

“You’re gonna hurt yerself,” Osamu said with a roll of his eyes. “What’s got ya lookin’ so constipated for?”

Atsumu sighed. “I forgot to ask Omi-kun for his phone number.” He mumbled, looking down at his contacts and the fact that there was no ‘Omi-kun’ listed there. It seemed weird that he had never gotten his contact number despite being teammates for so long. How had he managed that? He still had the phone numbers of people from high school, people he didn’t even talk to anymore.

“Hopeless,” Suna said, leaning back in his seat and pulling out his phone.

Atsumu sank into his seat, glad that the ride was short, he was excited to see his mom again.

He was lost in thoughts again when, this time, Suna, called his name. He leaned forward, peering around his brother to look at him. “What’s up?” Suna passed Atsumu his phone, he stared at the screen for several seconds before he realized what was happening. “Oh my God, you got Omi’s number.” He huffed a laugh and typed it into his own phone, saving it under the trademark nickname he had given the other. He handed Suna back his phone and immediately sent off a text.

‘Your cousin has betrayed you.’

‘I could block you’

‘The fact that you got back to me so fast tells me you might be bored on your 4? 5? Hour ride back to Tokyo.’

‘I am bored, but I’m not going to spend the next few hours texting you.’

 

When they finally arrived in Hyogo, Atsumu took a deep breath of the ocean air, relaxing. It was cold, but they would probably still end up on the beach at least once before they went back to Osaka in 2 weeks. When they arrived home, Osamu and Atsumu squabbled briefly as Atsumu and the others unpacked their bags, filing the dressers with clothing once again. Their mom wasn’t home, having picked up an extra shift at the hospital when one of her fellow nurses called out sick.

Their dad wasn’t in the picture anymore, but that was just fine with the twins. “Hey,” Atsumu said, addressing his brother and Suna, “no fucking until we go home.”

Osamu laughed. “Oh?”

“I think I’ve been traumatized enough and I’m gonna be sleepin’ right above ya,” he pointed out.

“You’re just jealous that I’m gettin’ dicked down on the regular,” Osamu sneered, “while you’re struggling to even see Sakusa outside of practice without the guise of ‘team bonding’ .”

Atsumu stiffened at that. “Asshole,” he muttered. “I just don’t really like seeing my brother bent over a counter. Or a sofa.” Atsumu’s voice was rising steadily and Suna put his hand on his shoulder before the argument could get too heated.

“We can go without sex for two weeks,” he said with an eye roll. He looked at his boyfriend, “Come on, let’s go start cooking.”

Osamu and Atsumu huffed. Osamu followed Suna to the kitchen while Atsumu climbed the short ladder and threw himself on the bed. He pulled out his phone,

‘I hope your first day goes better than mine.’

‘Doubtful’

Atsumu smiled at the immediate reply.

‘You still on the train?’

‘Yes. Did you already get into a fight with your brother?’

‘Yeah. Nothing out of the ordinary there though.’

 

The first few days of winter break went by normally for Atsumu, he and his brother spent that time shopping for New Years, going to festivals, and spending time with their small family. His mother was over the moon to have Suna with them this year, and badgered Atsumu about finding someone to settle down with. During his down time, he texted Sakusa. Sometimes he got a response, sometimes he didn’t. The weird part came when he got a call, it was the middle of the night and Osamu kicked his mattress and grumbled at him for waking them up. He grabbed his phone and stared at the screen blearily for a few seconds before shooting out of bed. He answered and asked Sakusa to hold on a second while he managed to climb down the ladder and navigate the house in the dark until he was standing on the stoop in the frigid winter air. “Omi-kun?” He finally answered, now that there was no risk of him waking anyone up.

The was silence on the other end of the line for a moment, just the sound of Sakusa taking deep, measured breaths. Eventually the silence broke and Sakusa sighed into the receiver. “Sorry for calling so late.”

Atsumu thought that Sakusa sounded a bit off, his voice sounded strained. “Are ya okay?”

“I’m fine…” He waited a beat. “I might be having a panic attack actually.”

“How’s that fine?!” Atsumu exclaimed, but he had to rein in his natural reaction to scold him. “What can I do?” He asked instead, leveling out his own voice.

“Just talk,” Sakusa said. He still sounded strained, like it took all his concentration to force the words out of his mouth. He could tell that Sakusa was counting his breaths, clearly trying to bring himself out of the panic attack, it made Atsumu wonder if that kind of stuff happened a lot. But rather than ask, he did as was instructed of him. He talked.

Atsumu prattled on about his brother, about Suna, his mom, the visit, anything that came to mind. He talked at length about the visits to the shrines, the shopping trips, how much he and his brother had been arguing that trip. When he ran out of light-hearted conversation topics, he turned towards slightly more serious ones. Atsumu didn’t know why Sakusa had decided to call him of all people, but Sakusa was showing him a vulnerability and Atsumu didn’t mind showing one right back.

He practically preformed a soliloquy on his childhood home’s stoop, speaking about his brother and how much it hurt that they weren’t as close as they used to be even though a normal person looking in probably wouldn’t think that. About how he probably had a brother complex and even though he liked and respected Suna, it still hurt to see Osamu choose Suna over him for inconsequential things. How, even though he moved out so long ago at this point, he would still call out to his brother when he found something funny on the TV or social media. Atsumu hated living apart from his brother, he found it boring and lonely, but knew it was just another part of life. He speculated that he probably fought with his brother as much as he did because it was the only way he knew to get his attention any more. He knew that was selfish but he couldn’t stop himself.

Atsumu stopped for a moment to gather his thoughts and catch his breath, listening to the other end of the line. It sounded like Sakusa’s breathing had evened out, sounding more normal and less controlled, the breaths regular but not abnormally so. He could barely hear them at all now. “Omi?” He called tentatively, checking in on the other.

“I’m here.”

“Are ya feelin’ better?” He asked.

A crackle bloomed through the speaker as Sakusa let out a sigh. “Yes,” he admitted. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“Can I ask what happened?”

There was shifting on the other end as Sakusa moved around. “It’s dumb.”

“Can’t be that dumb if it made ya panic like that,” Atsumu assured him.

There was silence on the other end of the line for a few moments before he finally gave in. “My mom won’t stop touching me,” he finally said, “She’s always been a very… hands-on mother, this is why I didn’t want to come home. Usually, Komori runs interference for me.” He heard a thunk on the other line and assumed that Sakusa dropped his head back against a wall.

“He didn’t go with ya this year?” He asked, shuffling his feet to try and warm up some.

“No… his parents took a trip and just brought him along,” Sakusa explained. “No one in this house understands my issues and my mom keeps touching my hair and trying to hug me and it’s driving me nuts. She acts like it’s a burden on her that I have OCD, more than it is a burden on me .” Atsumu could practically feel Sakusa shudder through the phone line.

“Why don’t ya jus’ leave then?” He asked.

“I leave early every year,” Sakusa admitted. “She’s gotten mad at me in the past, it’s… not great.”

Atsumu understood that, he had a hot-tempered mom too, but he also knew Sakusa was the baby of the family. He was much younger than his older siblings and Atsumu had a feeling that his mom wanted to coddle him, but Sakusa couldn’t handle it. “Well then she should learn t’respect yer boundaries,” he said shortly. “She can’t jus’ give birth to ya and then expect ya t’do everythin’ she says and to be fine with everythin’ she does just because of that. Ma or not she needs to earn the right to keep ya in her life.”

Sakusa grew silent again after that, causing Atsumu to wonder if he crossed the line. “You’re right…” He finally said.

Atsumu was surprised, but he was even more surprised when he heard the swishing of water. “Where are ya?” He asked.

“Bath.” It took a moment for Atsumu to grapple with that information. Sakusa, naked, calling Atsumu, in the middle of the night. Granted there was a panic attack involved. “I needed to get clean,” he explained. “I didn’t realize what was happening at first, it’s been a while since I’ve had a panic attack.” He sounded disappointed in himself.

“I guess I get that.” Atsumu was quiet a moment, “Why don’t ya come here?” He asked suddenly.

“To Hyogo?” Sakusa snorted. “Why?”

“So yer not alone for the holidays,” He explained, trying not to let his mind wander as he heard shuffling on the other end of the line, presumably that was Sakusa toweling off.

Sakusa thought about it for a few tense seconds before huffing. “If it’s dirty there, I’m leaving.”

Atsumu smirked to himself, Sakusa was so full of surprises lately. “I’ll air out the futon tomorrow,” he said, victory clear in his tone. “As for cleanliness… It’s clearly a full house, but we’re pretty tidy,” he said, which was true, though maybe while his mom worked tomorrow he would clean a little more. Osamu and Suna had plans so they would be gone too. “We can figure out where yer gonna sleep when ya get here.”

He heard Sakusa take a deep breath. “Thank you, Miya,” he said before abruptly hanging up. Atsumu didn’t know if he was thanking him for the invitation or for chattering at him, but the words warmed Atsumu right up. He almost wanted to go for a run, but instead he turned back towards the home and stepped inside.

He came face to face with Osamu, who was standing in the kitchen sucking down water like he hadn’t drunk in days. “Where’d ya go, scrub?”

Atsumu grunted, stripping off his winter coat and shuffling back into the warmth of the house. “Had a call.”

“No shit.”

Atsumu considered telling his brother the whole truth, but, he really wanted to see the shock on his brothers face when he came home from his date to see Sakusa in their little Hyogo home. “Jus’ a friend. Needed a listenin’ ear and a place t’stay.”

Osamu squinted at him. “And?”

“They’ll be coming over tomorrow,” he answered triumphantly.

“Who?”

“Hinata-kun,” he answered in an instant. “Him and Kageyama-kun got into an argument.”

Osamu smelled something fishy about that, but he dropped it. He shrugged his brother and his suspicions off in favor of getting some more rest. “Make sure ya tell mom.”

Atsumu assured his brother he would and made his own way back to bed.

 

The next day, true to his word, he dragged his ass out of bed shortly after his brother and Suna left, sending his mom a text message about their impending visitor. She seemed excited, always happy to have guests. He always thought that it was because she was lonely, even if she assured him it wasn’t that at all. Osamu and Atsumu tried to visit their mother as often as possible, but it was difficult to work around their schedules so they usually only ended up at home during the various public holidays which gave Osamu an excuse to close his shop and also gave Atsumu a day off practice.

Atsumu looked around the small home and wondered where would be the best place to start, eventually deciding that the bathroom was. He spent the next several hours sending intermittent text messages to Sakusa and scrubbing the hell out of any surface that looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in a while. The home was generally pretty clean, neither he nor Osamu tended to be very messy, but his mother was a nurse and often worked long shifts so there was a thin layer of dust over much of the house. The twins had taken care of cleaning the dust off the surfaces of the bedroom when they had arrived at the beginning of the week, but the rest of the house needed attention.

Once he knew Sakusa’s train would be arriving soon, Atsumu dumped his buckets of wash water out and cleaned the cleaning supplies. “Gah!” Atsumu ran from the kitchen to the hall closet and pulled out the futon that he had forgotten to grab earlier, bringing it out back and hanging it over a clothes line. It was cold, but dry so he was certain that he wouldn’t need to worry about it getting wet.

Soon enough he was gathering his house keys and pulling a coat and scarf on so he could meet Sakusa at the train station. He gave the house one more perfunctory glance to ensure he hadn’t missed anything else and then left.

The walk to the train station was cold, helping Atsumu focus rather than letting his mind spin. When he finally reached the train station he looked around for Sakusa, spotting him stepping off the train several minutes after Atsumu arrived. “Hey,” Atsumu greeted, a lazy smirk resting on his face as he looked over his companion. There wasn’t much to see since Sakusa was covered from head to toe, with the exception of his eyes, which looked tired and worn out.

Sakusa sighed. “Hey. You didn’t need to meet me here.”

Atsumu shrugged. “It’s easy to get lost around here,” he said, which was mostly true, they lived in a pretty remote part of the town, but he also was trying to be nice. It wasn’t something he was very familiar with doing.

As they walked, Atsumu filled the silence. Sometimes Atsumu would point out a landmark such as: “That’s where ‘Samu hit me with his bike once. I fell and knocked a tooth out” or “Oh and this is where ‘Samu and I got into a fight about who the better twin was and I shoved him over the embankment. He was fine obviously, but mom was pissed.” He laughed. There were so many memories of his home town.

When they arrived, Atsumu saw the door was unlocked and assumed Osamu had come home. He was right, and as soon as he stepped into the genkan he was nailed in the face by a package. He groaned and picked up the item, which had fallen to his feet.

“Thanks!” Atsumu called, his brother was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, waiting to see who was really about to walk in the door. Atsumu passed the package behind him. “I had ‘Samu pick ya up new slippers.”

Sakusa hummed in gratitude as he stepped into the house behind Atsumu. He set his luggage down and took off his coat, scarf, gloves, hat, and shoes. He slid his feet into the brand-new slippers with a sigh. By the time he had gotten that far, Atsumu had already been grabbed by his brother and dragged into the kitchen. Sakusa could hear them squabble, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. He picked his suitcase back up and stepped further into the home, nodding politely to Suna, who was sitting on the couch in the living room. He poked his head into the kitchen and saw Atsumu in a headlock with Osamu grinning triumphantly. “Oh, hey Sakusa,” Osamu greeted.

“Miya,” he greeted in return.

Atsumu broke free from his brother's hold, grinning just as wide. He stopped himself from reaching out to wrap his hand around Sakusa’s forearm to guide him, instead just taking the lead. “I’ll show ya our room.”

Not much had been changed in the years between childhood and the present in terms of decorating the room. It was plain, not much room between the bunkbeds and the desks, but it was enough. He waved his hand towards the closet and towards the dresser, “If you wanna, you can take one of the drawers and some space in the closet, but you ain’t gotta.” He scratched his chin and looked Sakusa up and down. “Did ya bring a yukata?”

Sakusa stood there processing the change in topic for a second before shaking his head.

“Yer only a couple inches taller than me, you might fit in mine.”

“I’m not wearing your clothes.” 

Atsumu pursed his lips. “But we always wear yukatas to the shrine on New Year’s.”

Sakusa stared at him for a moment before rolling his eyes. “Maybe, probably not.”

He shrugged, accepting that answer for the time being. He sat down on Osamu’s bed while Sakusa inspected the cleanliness of the drawers and slowly packed his stuff into it. “Omi-kun?” He received a hum of acknowledgement in return. “Why did you say yes?”

“To coming here?” he asked without pause. Atsumu confirmed and Sakusa sighed, turning towards Atsumu slightly. “I don’t know,” he said. “It seemed like a better alternative to taking the train all the way back to Osaka to sit in my apartment alone overthinking everything that happened over the past week. I’m tired and I’ve spent so many holiday’s alone in the last few years.”

Atsumu nodded along. “I guess that makes sense.”

“However, I have my tipping point, and I will leave if you annoy me too much,” he said threatening, though the threat was weakened by the fact that right now, Sakusa was kneeling on his bedroom floor shoving clothes into a dresser that wasn’t his, just because he was lonely.

“I’ll be on my best behavior Omi-kun!”

“I doubt that.”

Atsumu grinned in response, ready to pick a fight like normal, but the bedroom door swung open.

Osamu and Suna stood in the doorway, “We got worried that Sakusa-kun got sick of you already and was trying to figure out how and where to dump your body.”

“Rude!” Atsumu exclaimed.

 

The four of them did very little before the twin’s mother came home. They mostly just sat down and watched TV, Sakusa spent some time ensuring that the place was clean enough for him, but Atsumu felt like it was more to keep himself awake then because he was actually worried.

After the third time Sakusa got up, Atsumu reached out and grabbed the edge of his sweater. “The futon is outside airing out, but we can put clean sheets on my bed if you wanna lay down.”

Thankfully for Atsumu, both Osamu and Suna stayed blessedly quiet. Sakusa’s eyes widened a little in surprise. He seemed to go through the five stages of grief before finally settling on, “You don’t mind?”

Atsumu shook his head and stood up, following him to the linen closet to grab a fresh set of sheets. He tossed the sheets onto Osamu’s bed while he went back to the closet to grab a towel. He held it out to Sakusa. “Here. Go take a shower and the bed’ll be waiting for ya when ya come back.”

Sakusa looked down at the towel long enough that Atsumu thought he might have brought his own towel and might not want this one, but just as he was about to take it back, Sakusa reached out and took it. “Thank-you,” Sakusa said softly, his features softened, but he was looking at Atsumu like he was a puzzle that needed sorting. Sakusa grabbed his pajamas and brought them with him to the bathroom to shower.

Once in the bedroom, Atsumu made quick work of stripping the bed and changing the sheets. He climbed back down the ladder and smiled. Once that was finished he knocked on the bathroom door. “Bed’s all set.”

He didn’t hear Sakusa respond, but he shrugged it off and made his way back to the living room. Osamu raised an eyebrow at him. “Why is he here?” He finally asked. “Not that I’m not proud of you for making your move, but like… it seems unlikely.”

Atsumu sighed deeply, sinking into the couch. “He had a rough night and I offered him someplace friendly to stay. That’s it. I didn’t ‘make my move’,” he responded.

“Aw, our little Atsumu is growing up,” Suna said teasingly.

Atsumu flushed slightly and sank further into the couch to hide his embarrassment. “Shaddup.”

 

Once the bathroom door closed, Sakusa took a deep breath. He had felt off-kilter for some time now. He wanted to blame it on being at the Miya residence, but he knew it was more than that. He had spent all week fighting off panic attacks and dealing with unwelcome touching. After the dam finally broke the previous night, Sakusa just felt hollow. When he told Atsumu that coming to his home seemed like a better alternative to going to his own home and dealing alone, he hadn’t been lying, but it felt like more. Somehow, that obnoxious, overly confident, self-assured, competitive, asshole, helped ground Sakusa. Sakusa couldn’t explain it, he was exactly the type of person to grate on his nerves the most, but with Atsumu… well, he still pissed him off. They argued a lot in practice and outside of practice, but unlike so many people in Sakusa’s life, he knew where to stop. Even just a little while ago, Atsumu had reached out to Sakusa, but he made sure to grab his clothing instead of his arm, even though his arm was closer to Atsumu.

Sakusa shook himself from his confusing thoughts and put his clean clothes on the counter. He pulled out his toiletry bag and got to work on his normal habit. It wasn’t quite the same, but it would do.

After he had showered he looked at the bath, it looked clean, but he wasn’t sure he could trust it. Plus, he hadn’t brought his bath salts with him and soaking just wasn’t the same without them. After a short debate in his head, he grabbed his phone off the counter and texted Atsumu. He wrapped his towel around his waist and opened the door when Atsumu knocked.

“Bath salts?” He asked, a brow raised as he stepped in the room. “Not sure if we got’em, but if we do they’re in here.” He pulled open a small cupboard and started digging through the contents before he pulled out a small container. “Looks like I got some lavender,” he said, turning his head to look at his teammate. Atsumu thought about how lucky he was to be on the same team as Sakusa, otherwise this would be way more embarrassing, but as it were, he already saw Sakusa half-naked, or worse, on the regular.

“Is that the only one?” He asked with a furrowed brow.

Atsumu shrugged and turned back, shuffling for another moment before holding another container out. “Green tea?”

Immediately, Sakusa’s shoulders relaxed a little. “That’s better.” He took the container with a small thank-you.

“Isn’t lavender supposed to be good for relaxing though?” Atsumu asked, letting his gaze flit between the container of lavender bath salts and Sakusa, who was already measuring out the green tea salts into the bath water.

“It is. But I don’t like the smell, so it probably wouldn’t be very relaxing for me,” he said with a slight chuckle. He handed the salts back to Atsumu, who put them back into the cupboard and made his exit.

Sakusa waited patiently for the bath to fill with hot water then submerged himself. He relaxed his head against the cool tile and sighed deeply. After a few moments he opened his eyes, looking at his hands. They were chapped from the constant hand washing and sanitizing. He thought again, back to Komori’s words, ‘dating involves holding hands and kissing and sex’ . He wondered if he could ever put himself through the effort it would take to overcome his personal fears, but more than that, as he looked at his hands he couldn’t stop himself from thinking if anyone would want to hold hands with someone whose hands were in such a terrible shape.

He wondered if Atsumu would ever want to.

 

After a while had passed, Atsumu looked over his shoulder at the bathroom. “I wonder if he fell asleep in the tub.”

Osamu snorted. “You’ve done that.”

“Shaddup.” He sent a text to Sakusa, but when he didn’t get a response within 10 minutes he stood up. When a knock on the door yielded him no results he slowly pushed the door open. “Omi?” He called. He looked towards the tub and had to stop himself from laughing. Sakusa certainly did fall asleep in the tub. Atsumu washed his hands quickly before walking over to the tub and shaking the other's arm gently.

Sakusa’s face scrunched up, a small noise of discontent escaping his mouth. He subconsciously pulled his arm away from the touch, but shifting his weight made him duck below the water and he shot up, suddenly wide awake as he coughed from inhaling the water.

For his part, Atsumu tried not to laugh, he really did, but the face that Sakusa was making was hilarious. Sakusa looked over at him when he laughed, glaring at him, but ultimately looking like a drowned rat. He let Atsumu laugh, though how much of that was because he thought Atsumu was attractive when he laughed, he would never tell.

“You fell asleep in the tub,” Atsumu said, still grinning.

“I guess I was more tired than I thought.”

Atsumu grabbed the stool and sat on it, surprising Sakusa. “Having a panic attack will do that to you,” he said softly, trying to make sure his brother wouldn’t overhear him.

Sakusa relaxed back against the wall again. “I guess so.”

“Do you want to talk about your home life, I mean, ‘cause ya left due to yer mom?”

Sakusa thought that over and, somehow, he decided that he did want to. Sakusa started out slow, talking about how his siblings had been much older than him, he wasn’t just the youngest, but he was the ‘miracle’ baby. His mother had gotten into an accident after her second child and was told she wouldn’t be able to conceive ever again. Eight years after the accident, Kiyoomi was born. While his parents had been ecstatic about being able to have another child, they had both fully grown into their careers and spent a lot of time away from home. His siblings, being 10 and 12 years older than him, didn’t care to spend time with a baby, and by the time he was old enough to play without them needing to coddle him, they were in high school taking their studies seriously. As such, Sakusa spent a lot of time alone as a kid. He was quiet and didn’t make many friends due to his aversion to germs and some other personal issues that Sakusa didn’t want to get into. He didn’t like being touched and so many schoolhouse games involved getting dirty and contact with others. “Komori started hanging out with me as a result,” he said. “He’s too nice to ever resent me, but I could tell that in the beginning he didn’t really want to. Until he showed me volleyball. I didn’t love it then like I do now, but it’s not a contact sport.”

Atsumu listened patiently, taking in the information and storing it for later. He could see Sakusa nodding off again and he interrupted his story. “Come on, you can tell me the rest another time.” He held his hand out to Sakusa as he stood up.

Surprising Atsumu, Sakusa took his hand and stood up. Atsumu couldn’t help his gaze from dropping, but he immediately brought it back up. He grabbed Sakusa’s towel and handed it to Sakusa, who was too busy draining the tub to notice Atsumu’s distress. He cleared his throat. “The bed’s all set, I’ll come wake ya up when dinner’s ready,” he said, before making a hasty retreat.

Sakusa blinked at Atsumu’s sudden departure, but toweled off and got dressed into his pajamas, making his way to the bed and staring at the railings. He wiped them down with disinfectant wipes before climbing into the bed. He curled up under the covers, pulling the blankets up to his chin. He was asleep almost instantly, the barely formed thought ‘smells like Miya’ floating through his mind before he dropped off.

Atsumu returned to the living room with a red face and a stiff walk. He sat down on the couch and was immediately overrun by questions from both his brother and Suna. “Nothing! Nothing happened!” He said forcefully. “We just talked. I told ya he was going through something, jus’ leave it at that.”

Osamu groaned, throwing himself back against the couch. “Scrub.”

 

Soon enough, Osamu and Atsumu went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. There would be a lot of prep, not just because they were going to have another volleyball player over to eat, but also because they had to prepare their osechi ryori. Osechi ryori is a New Year’s Day tradition in Japan, but since there is no cooking on New Year’s Day, they have to prepare the food the night before. In the past, Osamu and his mother would do all the cooking and Atsumu was stuck with the clean-up, but with three volleyball players and someone who still eats like they play, they would need a lot more food than normal. As such, Osamu and Atsumu were prepping now, and once their mom came home with more groceries she would probably take over for Atsumu. Though it would probably still just be Atsumu cleaning. Suna was a guest, even if he was damn near part of the family at this point, so unless he offered to help Atsumu, which was unlikely, then Atsumu would be by himself.

Their mother came home about an hour and a half later, retiring to the bathroom to shower after a long day at work, then promptly booting Atsumu out of the kitchen. “Where’s yer friend?” She asked, noting the lack of a promised fourth person.

“He’s resting. He’s had a rough couple a days,” Atsumu explained, relinquishing his knife and apron to his mom. “I said I’d wake ‘im fer dinner.”

She nodded, accepting the answer. “It started snowing, did you bring in the futon?”

“Gah!” Atsumu rushed towards the genkan and pulled his shoes on before heading out the door to grab the futon. It definitely had some snow on it, but it wasn’t that bad. He brushed it off and brought it inside. It was probably too wet to sleep on, and definitely too wet to make Sakusa sleep on. He sighed and spread it out on the floor of the living room to dry. “I guess I’ll sleep on the couch.” He pouted.

While he sat there in despair, a shuffling caught his attention. He chuckled to himself as he watched Sakusa emerge from the bedroom, looking quite ruffled, and enter the bathroom. He didn’t bother saying anything to him, nor did he alert his family to his presence. He looked like shit honestly, like cute shit, but mostly he looked like he was just going to return to the bed after taking a leak. He heaved himself off the floor and went into his room to grab a magazine and his headphones. When Sakusa reentered the room, Atsumu laughed at his disheveled nature. His curly hair was unruly and he had lines on his face from the pillow. ‘Cute.’

“Dinner is going to be done soon,” he said, tucking his magazine under his arm. “If ya wanna get dressed. Ma’s home.”

Sakusa nodded sleepily. “Thanks,” he said, his voice taking on a slightly gravelly tone from sleep.

Oh boy , that voice was something else. Atsumu could listen to it all day. He was pretty sure he liked it better than his normal deadpan tone. He nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him.

 

Within a few minutes Sakusa exited the room fully dressed again. He yawned and ran a hand through his hair to get his curls to move cohesively. It was marginally successful. Atsumu was surprised that Sakusa wasn’t wearing his mask, but he didn’t say anything for fear he would put it back on. Atsumu waved Sakusa over. “Omi, this is our Ma,” He introduced, “Ma, this is Sakusa.”

Sakusa offered her a polite smile and a small bow. “Sakusa Kyoomi.”

The woman, who was shorter than her sons by a good few inches, inclined her own head. “Nice to meet ya Sakusa-kun,” she greeted, her kansai dialect just as thick as the twins. “Name’s Miya Emica.” She turned back to the food. “Make yerself at home.”

Sakusa thanked her but was soon distracted by Atsumu trying to get him to sit on the couch with them. He eyed the futon in the corner with a wary glare. Atsumu, seeing the direction Sakusa was looking in, laughed, “It started snowing, ya can stay in m’bed, I can sleep on the couch,” he said, “And don’t try to argue, ‘cause I know that ya wouldn’t wanna sleep out here.”

It was true, but it felt like he was imposing more and more every second he stayed. Atsumu grabbed the remote from Suna and put on a volleyball match, Suna rolled his eyes, but allowed it.

Sakusa relaxed back into the couch, watching the game, but occasionally letting his gaze flit over to watch Atsumu, who was reading the magazine he had grabbed earlier. He huffed, “Why’d you put on a match if you’re going to read?”

Atsumu looked up in surprise at the question, “’Cause I don’t really know what ya like, but I know ya like volleyball. I’ve already seen this match.”

Sakusa rolled his eyes. “I’m amiable to most things.”

Suna glanced at them and took the remote back. “Good I can go back to watching what I wanted to.” He said. He clicked through the TV selections until he was back on Erased, a popular Japanese TV drama.

Sakusa hummed. “Oh this is good,” he said, ignoring the surprised glances he could feel from Atsumu, but soon enough Atsumu went back to reading his magazine and things fell into a comfortable silence.

 

When his mom called out that dinner was nearly ready, Atsumu stood and went to the closet to pull out the kotatsu, setting it up in the empty space that constituted a dining room. He looked up at Sakusa. “You can eat anywhere you want,” he offered, figuring that he wouldn’t like his legs crammed into a tight space with 4 other people. The table wasn’t large by any stretch of the imagination, but Suna and Osamu could have sat on the same side.

His mom brought out the dishes one by one, setting them on the table in a wide array. When she finished, she beamed with pride at the set-up. There were so many dishes and so much food that she almost wasn’t sure the 5 of them would be able to finish it all. “Dinner’s ready!”

Atsumu, Osamu, Suna, and Emica sat around the table, Atsumu leaning over to make room for Sakusa to fix his own bowl before sitting on the floor just a few feet away from them, it wasn’t ideal, and he noticed Atsumu watching him as he shifted his plate this way and that, but he didn’t say anything. The chatter at the table, the bickering, shoving, and food stealing surprised Sakusa, but the way Atsumu kept dragging him into the conversation despite him not sitting at the table with them made him feel included. Dinners were not like that in the Sakusa estate. Dinners were a quiet affair; the children were not to speak unless spoken to and even his parents didn’t speak to each other much.

Idly, Sakusa wondered if it was any wonder he grew up to be the way he did.

 

The family made him feel comfortable so easily, he felt himself relaxing the longer he stayed with them. He saw the twin’s mother was very physically affectionate, lots of hair ruffling, hugging, hip-bumping, she even did these things to Suna, who accepted his fate with a laugh or a grin. Sakusa was glad that she didn’t try it with him, it made him wonder if Atsumu had said something about his mysophobia.

As it got later, and everyone got sleepier, Atsumu stood and stretched. “I’m gonna go shower,” he announced around a yawn.

“Don’t fall asleep,” his mother chided, causing Sakusa to sink slightly into the couch, thinking that the twins had told her what happened earlier in the day, but his worries were put to ease when Atsumu stuck his tongue out.

“I’ve only done that a handfula times!” He exclaimed, grinning. He winked at Sakusa, almost as if to say ‘your secret is safe with me’. He came back soon enough, yawning. “Alright, everyone off my bed,” he said, kicking the back of the couch.

Nearly everyone else groaned, but complied, moving off to their own sleeping locations. Sakusa hung back an extra second, watching Atsumu grab extra blankets and a pillow from the linen closet. He swallowed his pride and bowed his head slightly towards Atsumu, giving the other man pause. “Thank-you for inviting me,” he straightened back up and was met with a soft smile on Atsumu’s face.

“Any time Omi-Omi,” he said, his features softer than normal, almost... no definitely, fond.

“Did you want some help cleaning up the kitchen?” He asked, knowing that it had to be done, he heard Atsumu complaining about it earlier in the day.

Atsumu was surprised by the offer and looked at the state of the kitchen. “Ya don’t gotta.”

“I know. I’m offering anyway.”

Atsumu smiled. “Well, thanks then, Omi-kun,” he said, dropping his blankets on the couch before walking to the kitchen with Sakusa. He put music on like when they were in the shop, but he kept it lower so he didn’t disturb the rest of the house.

The clean-up went quickly with Sakusa washing and Atsumu drying and putting the dishes away. They left some of the dishes out to air dry, mostly just the steamer, which was made of wood, and a couple of similar dishes that were wooden and needed to air dry. When they finished, Atsumu stretched. “Go get some sleep, we’re gonna be busy tomorrow.”

Sakusa nodded and retreated back to the bedroom, where Osamu and Suna were already asleep. Sakusa grabbed his own pair of night clothes and headed to the bathroom to change.

 

If Sakusa thought that dinner was a lively affair in the Miya household, it barely held a candle to waking up. He groaned, rolling over and burying his face in the pillow as Emica ran around the house waking everybody up. There was yelling from all parties and Sakusa had a splitting headache. Sakusa heard Suna and Osamu moving around, but they didn’t bother him. Soon, it was silent in the room and Sakusa was grateful, ready to fall back asleep.

The silence didn’t last long though and he rolled to peer over the edge when Atsumu called his name. “What?” He grunted, not really wanting to know, but needing to respond.

“Ya gotta get up!” Atsumu said, his hair was messed up from sleeping and Sakusa wanted to laugh, but he held it in, opting to glare at him instead. “Don’t be like that Omi-kun, we’re going to the shrine,” he said, grabbing the railing and hauling himself up to stand on Osamu’s bunk.

Sakusa sighed and sat up, running a hand through his messy hair. “Do I have time to shower?”

Atsumu grinned. “Yeah.” He lowered himself back down to the floor and padded over to the closet while Sakusa shimmied down the ladder. “Here.”

Sakusa eyed the garment suspiciously. “I said I wasn’t going to wear your clothes.”

“But ya don’t have traditional clothes and we always wear kimonos to the shrine. It’s tradition.” He pushed the cloth closer to Sakusa. “It’s clean, ‘n ya can wear stuff under it. I’m gonna wear running tights and a long sleeve shirt under mine.”

Sakusa took in a deep breath and gave in, reaching out to take the offered kimono. He figured that he could do the same, he had brought workout gear with him so he could run in the mornings. He grabbed his toiletry bag, as well as the clothes he was going to wear, and walked across the hall to the bathroom, ignoring Atsumu’s smug grin.

When he emerged from the bathroom a while later, he folded his pajamas and placed them on the bed before making his way out to the living area where he could hear everyone goofing off. “Omi-Omi!” Atsumu grinned. “That looks great on ya!” He said, looking up and down the black kimono with a white wave pattern on it. The na gajuban and obi were also white, but the haori was flat black.

Sakusa looked down at himself with a sigh, “I haven’t worn one of these in a very long time,” he said. Sakusa wasn’t even sure he had an actual kimono at home, he had a yukata though. He looked at the others, taking note of the deep red color of Suna’s, the multi-color pattern of Osamu’s, the light pink and blue of their mother’s and the dark blue of Atsumu’s. They certainly didn’t match, but that hardly mattered.

Sakusa took a mask out of his luggage and slid it over his face before sighing. “I’m ready to go.” He was a little surprised that, despite the harking about wearing a kimono, they all wore sneakers with them. Maybe it was because of the snow, but Sakusa didn’t want to ask.

 

“Whatchya wish for?” Atsumu asked, leaning into Sakusa’s space, but not touching him.  They were walking a few paces behind the rest of the group while Sakusa actively tried to avoid most of the other people around him.

“I can’t tell you, it won’t come true,” he said, sidestepping a kid who was running up the steps to the shrine, even though his side-stepping made his shoulder push against Atsumu, who stepped to the side a second later to give Sakusa his space again.

“Ya probably wished for somethin’ lame anyway, like, masks to get cheaper or something.”

Sakusa snorted. “What kind of wish is that? Why would I wish for cheaper masks? If they ever get too expensive for me to buy, which they won’t, I would just buy reusable masks.”

Atsumu hummed. “Do they work as well?”

Sakusa shrugged. “If you buy the right kind, and if they’re taken care of properly. They also sell some that have replaceable filters in them,” he explained.

“You’ve looked into this, haven’t you?” He teased.

“No,” Sakusa said, but Atsumu could tell there was a pout under that mask.

           

When they got back to the Miya house, Sakusa stripped out of the kimono, but stayed in the running gear. He poked his head out of the bedroom, getting Atsumu’s attention. “Are you planning anything? Or can I go on a run?” He asked, not wanting to throw a wrench in their plan, but figuring that he was already dressed to run, he may as well do that.

Atsumu blinked at him a moment before grinning. “I’ll go with ya.”

Sakusa frowned, his nose scrunching up. “No thank you.”

“Don’t be stingy!” Atsumu laughed, pushing his way into the bedroom to take his kimono off too, tossing it on Osamu’s bed.

Sakusa rolled his eyes, watching Atsumu with a scrutinizing gaze. “Better keep up.”

“As if. I’ll run ya into the dirt.” Atsumu laughed, “Let’s go. We’ll have lunch when we come back.”

 

Sakusa almost regretted being as competitive as he was, because he was absolutely wrecked by the time the two made it back from their run. Sakusa had always prided himself on his stamina, but usually he ran for a longer time at a lower intensity. Apparently, Atsumu ran at a moderate pace for a shorter period of time. While Sakusa had no trouble keeping up with Atsumu, he almost thought he wouldn’t be able to go the distance. But he was hardly a quitter. They pushed each other, and when they were finally finished, they doubled over on the stoop of the house, taking in deep, gasping breaths. Sakusa ripped his mask off so he could breathe a bit easier.

Atsumu looked at him. “I can’t believe ya ran in that,” he said between panting breaths, straightening himself up so he could get the door open.

“I hate running in it, but when I run outside I always do.” He followed Atsumu into the house, his shoes joining the mess of other shoes by the door, some were in the cubby, some were pushed against a wall, and some were thrown in the pile. “I’m showering first,” he said, pushing past his teammate to grab his stuff and make a beeline for the shower.

Atsumu rolled his eyes, calling after him, “It’s not even yer home!” but he was ignored. He dropped himself down on the couch next to Osamu, laughing when he complained that he was sweaty and smelled bad. “Deal with it.”

 

Once both boys had showered, the five of them were all piled around the table again. “Itadakimasu!” They said, digging into the traditional foods they had prepared the day before.

Chapter 3: chapter Three

Three days later had the four of them all arriving back in Osaka, Atsumu walked silently next to Sakusa in the direction of their apartments. They were jerked out of their silent companionship when Sakusa’s phone rang. He frowned, but answered it.

“Where are you?” Komori said through the line.

“What? I’m on my way home.”

He heard his cousin hum on the other side of the line. “Well hurry up, it’s cold out.”

“Go home then, why are you at my apartment?” The pair rounded the corner where Sakusa’s apartment was and they saw Komori standing outside where the buzzer to let him up was. Sakusa hung up on him and glowered at him.

Komori blinked in surprise, taking in the scene. Sakusa and Atsumu, walking back together with luggage. He grinned, thinking that his cousin finally got off his ass and confessed to the ‘mystery person’ he liked. “Hey!” He cheered, waving.

Sakusa rolled his eyes and came to a stop a few steps away. “See you at practice.”

Atsumu nodded. “See ya!” He said, walking the rest of the way home.

 

Komori badgered Sakusa about it on the entire trek up to his apartment. “Oh my God. Shut up.” Sakusa groaned, dropping his luggage just inside the door and pulling his mask off.

Komori snapped his mouth shut, but he was still grinning. After a few moments of silence, he spoke up again. “Auntie said you left her house 5 days ago.”

Sakusa grunted, stepping further into his apartment, watching Komori pull his shoes off and slip into the guest slippers. “I did.”

“Why?”

“Same reason I leave early every year.”

Komori hummed. “But why were you with Atsumu?”

He sighed. “I had a panic attack,” he answered, “I called Miya, and when it was over he said I should spend the last bit of the holidays with him.”

“Alright,” Komori drawled, “But why call him? And why accept his offer? He’s the one you have a crush on, isn’t he?”

Sakusa glared at his cousin before turning and stalking into his bedroom. He shut the bedroom door in his cousin’s face.

“Oh, come on!” Komori said, loudly, at the door. “I can’t blame you! He’s pretty hot.” Komori didn’t get any reaction from inside the room, but a few minutes later Sakusa reemerged in sweatpants and a loose t-shirt.

“Him being hot is not the reason why I like him,” he said, staring down at his cousin with no small amount of disdain. Though, Komori knew that the disdain was because of the conversation, and not actually for him. He grinned and walked towards the kitchen to raid it for any food Sakusa might have lying around.

“Well, why do you? He doesn’t really seem like the kind of guy you would like.”

Sakusa sighed and sat on the couch, taking the green tea from Komori as he sat down on the other side. “I don’t know.” He fiddled with the wrapper as he thought about all the small moments in between their arguments and competitiveness. “I guess… He doesn’t really treat me any different than he does most of the team, despite the fact that I’m mysophobic. He doesn’t touch me like he would with them, but he doesn’t really act like I need to be fixed either. Despite all the stupid shit we argue about at practice, he never thinks any less of me because of it. He’s considerate, but he isn’t going to treat me with kids gloves like a lot of the people I meet.”

Sakusa appreciated the way that Atsumu never touched him, and even when he did reach for him, he only touched his clothes, but he wasn’t against forcing him out of his comfort zone either. He would compromise sometimes, but he never decided that it was too much effort. Like when he invited him out all those months ago, he pushed him out of his comfort zone by asking him to hang out, practically forcing his hand with how many times he had asked over the time they had been teammates, but he compromised by bringing them to Osamu’s store instead of a dingy bar. Or when he told him he had to wear the kimono, but he also found a solution that would leave Sakusa mostly comfortable with it.

Komori listened, glad to see this side of Sakusa. “Yeah. I guess that makes sense. Wonder why he likes you though, you’re a bit of an ass.”

Sakusa frowned, giving his cousin a nasty look. “Shut up,” he huffed. “Besides, he probably doesn’t. He’s considerate to everyone.”

Komori laughed at that, “Are you kidding me? First of all, he answered the phone when you called him in the middle of the night, and instead of being an ass he stayed on the line with you. Then, that phone call wasn’t even enough for him to decide you were too much work, he invited you to his house for the remainder of the holiday. That is despite knowing how difficult it would be to cater to your very odd and specific needs.” He ranted.

Sakusa looked at his cousin for a long moment before cracking a small smile. “I guess you’re right,” he said, “But even if he does like me, I don’t think I could handle being more than friends.”

“Why?”

He rolled his eyes. “ Because I just don’t think I could do the things people do in a relationship. I need more time to come to terms with things like that before I put myself in a position like that. Also, it isn’t like he actually knows how much of an inconvenience dating me would be”

“Ew I don’t want to think about your positions,” Komori teased, ignoring the latter half of the statement.

Sakusa felt the heat rush to his face. “Like holding hands and kissing!” He clarified quickly.

Komori laughed, a full body laugh that shook the couch they were sitting on.

 

Things returned to normal pretty quickly when everyone got back from their holiday breaks. At least, at practice. Sakusa and Atsumu still competed constantly, on everything, though now their competitions came with wagers. Whoever lost, bought the other dinner or cooked dinner for the other, losers’ choice. Usually, if Atsumu lost they would go out for food, but, if Sakusa lost he preferred to cook. They didn’t always do it, but it was definitely an upward trend.

In the locker room, Sakusa looked smug as they changed. Atsumu had only lost by one serve. They were both trying out new serves and Sakusa had gotten his in just one more time than Atsumu. “So where are we going?” He asked, sliding his mask over his face as the last few team members left the locker room.

Atsumu seemed to get over his mild pouting as he pulled a hoodie over his head, shaking his hair out slightly. He asked, “Wanna come over?”

This brought Sakusa up short. They hadn’t deviated very much since the beginning of their arrangement, and Sakusa hadn’t been to Atsumu’s apartment. He peered at the setter. “It is the losers’ choice…” He said, though his words were carefully measured. “Your apartment isn’t like… disgusting… is it?”

Atsumu raised a brow. “Ya think I live in filth?”

“I think that if I asked your brother he would say yes.”

Atsumu snorted at that, slinging his gym bag over his shoulder. “Nah, he’d probably tell you that I’m the biggest control freak he knows.”

He would.

Sakusa followed Atsumu out into the cold late-January air, tugging a scarf around his neck to ward off the winds that were blowing hard. “Bigger than me?”

“Well, probably, but only because ‘Samu doesn’t know you are.” He laughed.

“Really?”

Atsumu looked at Sakusa. “Yeah?” When Sakusa didn’t say anything Atsumu continued. “I didn’t tell ‘Samu that you’re mysophobic,” he clarified, “All he knows is that you’re cautious of getting sick.”

To say that Sakusa was surprised… well, that wouldn’t even scratch the surface of what he was feeling. “Why?” He asked after a long silence.

Atsumu twirled his key on his finger before placing it in the lock and opening the door. “Because it’s not my place to talk about it.”

“Always thought you were more of an asshole than that,” Sakusa said. He stepped into the small apartment. There was no genkan here, but Atsumu’s shoes were lined up next to the door. Perhaps even more neatly than Sakusa’s, it was surprising. He toed his own shoes off and stepped into the apartment, his socks the only barrier between Atsumu’s floor and Sakusa’s feet.

True to Atsumu’s words, the apartment was clean. It was cluttered, obviously lived in, but much cleaner than Sakusa would have ever imagined. Atsumu dropped his gym bag on the floor just inside the door and motioned for Sakusa to do the same thing. “I’m not sure what I’ve got in my fridge, so don’t get too comfortable, might need to run to the store.”

Sakusa didn’t like that idea, he hated shopping and tried to plan his own meals in advance in order to cut down on impromptu trips to the store. Either way, he stood just inside the apartment, coat, gloves, and scarf still in place while Atsumu made his way into the kitchen to look through the refrigerator. He waited silently for a few moments before Atsumu came back into the living room and smiled, “We’re fine. Make yourself comfortable.”

Atsumu disappeared back into the kitchen while Sakusa went about getting dressed down to an appropriate level. Atsumu’s apartment was warm, warmer than Sakusa liked to keep his own, but it was nice. He looked around the living room while Atsumu banged around in the kitchen. He supposed that he shouldn’t be as surprised as he actually was. He had seen the Miya family home and that had been clean. And he had stayed late at Osamu’s restaurant to help clean, so he knew Atsumu knew how to clean. Maybe by envisioning Atsumu as someone who didn’t clean up after himself or take care of himself made it easier for Sakusa to ignore the feelings he knew he was developing for his teammate.

The apartment was definitely smaller than Sakusa’s, but the furniture was cozy, everything brightly colored, even if it didn’t all match. There were family photos and photos from high school, pictures of Atsumu and Osamu at all sorts of ages and doing all sorts of things. There wasn’t a single photo of Atsumu that didn’t have Osamu in it.

Sakusa turned around and made his way to the kitchen, watching Atsumu silently for a few moments before Atsumu looked at him. “Whadya want?”

“Nothing,” he said honestly. “I was just trying to imagine a life where I was as close to either of my siblings as you are to Osamu.”

This seemed to bring Atsumu up short, he paused, turning towards Sakusa, “I never really thought about it.” He said honestly. “I guess I’ve thought of life without ‘Samu, but I’ve never considered a life where we just… weren’t close.”

“Seems to me like it would be hard not to be close to someone you share a face with.”

“My face is better,” Atsumu said automatically, “But I mean, I think we’re probably closer than some twins out there. At least, I think so.” His therapist said so.

Sakusa rolled his eyes. “What are you cooking?”

“Mackerel,” Atsumu responded. “I pulled it outta the freezer yesterday.”

“It smells good.” He wandered around the small living space for a while, looking at all the photos, the magazines lined up neatly on the smallish bookshelf in the corner of the living room. Overall, it was a very neat spot. As far as Sakusa could tell everything had a spot and nothing was out of order. There wasn’t even a pile of mail on the table like Sakusa had in his own home. He turned and looked at Atsumu. “Are you sure you’re not the one with OCD?” He joked, a coy smile playing on his face, a smile that made Atsumu’s stomach do funny things.

“Ha ha,” He deadpanned. “I just like to know where everythin’ is when I need it,” he grumbled.

Sakusa hummed and picked out one of the magazines, bringing it into the kitchen and leaning against a wall while he flipped through it. “Most notorious serial killers? Is there something I should know about, Miya?”

Atsumu laughed as he pulled the fish off the stove and moved the rice off the heat to sit for another 10 minutes. He turned around and looked at Sakusa, happy with how surprisingly comfortable the other man looked. “Nah, that’s fer me to know and no one to find out about,” he said with a chuckle.

“You were reading a crime magazine at your mom’s house too, weren’t you?”

“I think it’s facinatin’. How crazy is it that some people can look at other people and think, ‘I wanna kill ‘em,’ like, that’s insane?” Atsumu explained.

Sakusa snorted, “I’ve definitely thought that about you.”

“Oh, well same, but like, in a joking way,” Atsumu said laughing. He pushed himself off the counter and made his way to the fridge to pull out a couple bottled teas. “Ya like this brand, yeah?”

Sakusa took the offered bottle and nodded, placing the bottle down on the counter as he continued to flip through the magazine. “So, do most of these people kill people they don’t know?” He asked, wondering how they would ever get away with killing people they do know. “We don’t really have all that many murders in Japan, right?”

Atsumu shrugged, “Some kill strangers some kill people they know. Serial killers tend ta kill people of opportunity, I think. I mean I’ve read a couple ´a magazines and listened to a podcast or two, but I don’ know that much about it,” he said, he knew a lot about a few cases and some general facts about a lot of other cases, but he wouldn’t go so far as to call himself an avid true crime fan. More of a casual coinsurer of the media

 

That night at Atsumu’s apartment seemed to change them a bit. Sakusa wasn’t as hesitant to go along with what Atsumu suggested, though he was still prickly sometimes. “Come on, it’ll be fun,” Atsumu said, grinning. He was in nothing but a towel, standing in the middle of their shared hotel room.

“No. Go get dressed, you’re dripping,” he said, bringing his book back up in front of his face.

Atsumu pushed it down again. “Everyone wants to see you loosen up a bit. Yer always so stiff when we travel.”

Sakusa huffed, dog-eared his book, and set it on his mattress. “Don’t touch my stuff with your wet hands,” He complained.

Atsumu pouted, pleaded, whined, even threatened to shake his hair out over Sakusa’s bed before the other man finally gave in. He shoved Atsumu away from him roughly as he moved to make good on his last threat. Atsumu huffed as he hit his own bed with the back of his legs and toppled onto it, groaning in pain when he landed on top of his belongings, which had been strewn about from him getting ready.

He watched with wide eyes as Sakusa made his way to the bathroom to shower. Sakusa didn’t really want to go. In part because he just didn’t want to go to a bar, but also, he was a little nervous. Nervous because what if Atsumu did find someone to go home with. They were in town for a match and they were going to show up at a bar as a team, obviously he would be recognized. Sakusa didn’t want to see Atsumu end up sucking face with someone else. He knew the other’s reputation, even if he had never seen it in person.

He slammed off the hot water and grabbed his towel, wrapping it around his waist and stepping out into the room. He frowned down at his suitcase, open on the desk. All he had brought for formal wear was what he had worn to their panel the previous day, everything else he had was workout gear.

“Yer gonna set your suitcase on fire if ya keep staring at it with so much heat,” Atsumu laughed.

Sakusa turned his glare on Atsumu instead. His eyes widened slightly at what Atsumu was wearing. “You’re wearing that ?” He asked.

Atsumu looked down at himself. “What’s wrong with it?”

Nothing really, it was a perfectly normal outfit. “I thought… you would be more dressed up.”

“It’s just a bar.” Atsumu laughed, one eyebrow raised questioningly. “Is that why you were glaring at your clothes? Because you only brought formal clothes for our panel?”

“Yeah. Everything else is sweat pants and tank tops and track jackets,” he said, poking through his clothes.

Atsumu bumped his hip against Sakusa’s and looked down into the suitcase. “Wear that one,” He said, pointing to, but not touching, one of the shirts on top.

“Why?”

“Cause it will look good.”

Sakusa didn’t really trust Atsumu for fashion advice normally, but this would be the one area where he had more experience. Sakusa wasn’t sure he had ever actually been in a bar more than twice. He pulled out the tank top and socks and underwear before shuffling his clothes around.

“The running tights.”

Sakusa pulled them out and looked at Atsumu. “You know, I’m not looking for a hookup, I could have just worn regular sweats.”

“Yeah, but you like looking nice,” Atsumu said with all the confidence of a man who knows everything. He grinned. “So I thought I’d give ya a hand.”

Sakusa looked like he bit a lemon as he disappeared into the bathroom again to get dressed and fix his hair. When he came out, he realized he had a slight issue. “These don’t have pockets.” He grumbled, holding his phone and his wallet with nowhere to put them.

Atsumu shrugged. “Yer gonna wear a jacket.”

“Yeah but if it’s hot in the bar…”

Atsumu laughed. “Worry about that when the time comes. Get yer jacket on.”

 

It had warmed up significantly in the last month, but the nights still had a chill to them. They only had about a month left of the season, which ended in the later half of April. The walk to the bar was short, but stressful for Sakusa. In part because his teammates kept looking at him, like they were surprised he was there. Well, they were surprised, Sakusa was surprised himself. He shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. The other reason why it was so stressful, was because Tokyo was a crowded city and Sakusa was already slightly overwhelmed, getting bumped into by strangers on the street only made it worse. And somehow, despite the gesture probably being Atsumu trying to be nice, it made Sakusa feel worse when Atsumu switched places with him so Sakusa was walking with one shoulder facing the buildings and Atsumu serving as a sort of human shield. It made him feel coddled and weak.

The bar was crowded and loud, with flashing lights and the undeniable smell of too many bodies in a cramped place. Sakusa felt his throat tighten immediately upon stepping foot inside. He was glad he was wearing his mask, but still he felt like he couldn’t breathe. “Table,” Sakusa said tightly.

Atsumu nodded, “Booth?” He said, pointing to the back corner. Sakusa’s eyes widened when he saw his cousin sitting there. Atsumu grinned. “I told him to save us a spot.”

Sakusa stuck close to Atsumu, letting the other man part the people as Sakusa stayed just one step behind him.

“Told ya I could get him here,” Atsumu said, stepping aside and letting Sakusa slide into the massive booth. He kept sliding and sliding. The booth would easily fit ten or so people.

“You threatened me,” Sakusa said. He still felt uncomfortable and out of his depth, but at least he was seated and there weren’t bodies pressing him on all sides. He shuddered as he watched Atsumu disappear into the crowd to, presumably, tell the team where they were sitting.

“You’re not subtle, are you?”

Sakusa glared at his cousin. “Shut up.”

“Just saying. It’s obvious that you like him.”

Sakusa frowned, his hands folded in his lap, not wanting to touch the table. “I don’t want to be here.” He said.

Komori could tell Sakusa was struggling with that, and his attempts to lighten the mood hadn’t worked. “Just a little while, yeah?” He said. “Ushijima is here somewhere, though I think he is out on the dance floor.

Sakusa furrowed his brow, then laughed at the mental image of Ushijima trying to dance. “Doesn’t seem like he would be any good at it.”

Atsumu returned, surprisingly enough, without the team. He came back with drinks. “Didn’t know what ya liked, so I got ya beer,” he said, sliding the glass towards Komori. Then he slid another drink towards Sakusa and slid into the booth.

“What’s this?” Sakusa asked at the same time Komori thanked Atsumu.

Atsumu grinned. “Umeshu.”

Sakusa looked up at Atsumu in bewilderment, then he laughed. “Is Umeboshi the only thing you know I like, so that’s why?”

Atsumu chuckled. “No, but I don’t know what you drink since I’ve never seen you drink anything other than beer,” he said, digging around in his pocket. He tossed some packets on the table. “Grabbed those for ya too.”

Komori watched the exchange in silence, drinking his beer with glee.

Sakusa picked up one of the packets carefully with his thumb and his index finger to avoid touching as much as possible. When he realized what it was, he blinked, already feeling the knot of anxiety loosen somewhat. “Thank-you,” he said softly, ripping open the packet with an alcohol wipe in it and beginning to clean off his section of the table. Atsumu opened the second one and handed it to Sakusa, taking the used one.

Sakusa worked in complete silence, focusing on his task, so, even though Atsumu was watching Sakusa, he spoke to Komori. Komori didn’t mind the lack of eye contact, because he got to see the way that Atsumu looked at his cousin. It was nice.

 

Atsumu was surprised that it only took two drinks for Sakusa to start feeling it. Atsumu could tell he was feeling the effects of the alcohol, because he was leaning against Atsumu’s shoulder. It wasn’t a lot, barely any contact whatsoever, and he was sure the rest of the team hadn’t even noticed, but it felt like a branding to Atsumu. Sakusa was chatting with Ushijima, who had eventually joined their table along with some of the MSBY players. Atsumu chatted with Suna, taking the chance to video chat with his brother about getting to hang out with Suna without Osamu around. There were other teams there too, but Atsumu didn’t want to wander away from Sakusa to find anyone else.

After his third drink, Sakusa was taking off his track jacket and complaining it was hot. Atsumu would agree, but he would mostly be talking about Sakusa’s outfit. He had helped choose it, so he knew he only had himself to blame.

“Earth to ‘Tsumu!” Bokuto called, ruffling Atsumu’s hair and making him turn wide-eyed towards his teammate. “You might want to put your tongue back in your mouth,” Bokuto teased.

Atsumu felt himself flush, but soon his attention was pulled back to Sakusa because he was pulling on his arm. “Can you put these in your pockets?” he asked, words slurred slightly. It was his phone and his wallet. Atsumu chuckled but did as he asked. Atsumu himself was only on his second drink, but he felt drunk off Sakusa too, double whammy. “I want another drink,” he pouted.

Komori stood. “I got it.”

Atsumu blinked at him. “Uh, sure.”

Komori rushed off, returning soon with a drink for Sakusa and one for Atsumu.

           

Sakusa needed to pee. He didn’t feel completely in control of his own body. Even though he could feel himself making a fool out of himself by talking to others, between his slurred speech and his answering questions he probably never would sober, he couldn’t stop himself. The thought that he shouldn’t have said that always coming just seconds after the words already left his mouth.

To his left and diagonal from him, he could hear Hinata not-whispering that he couldn’t believe that Sakusa was a virgin at his age. He heard someone defending him, but he couldn’t tell who. It was only a moment later that he realized he couldn’t tell who because his eyes had fallen shut.

“You don’t want to use the bathroom here,” he heard. The voice was soft and very close.

Sakusa groaned and nuzzled closer, his brain needing another moment to process what he was nuzzling into. He was tired. He blinked, tilting his head up on his ‘pillow’ to see Atsumu’s face. It was so close. He hadn’t even realized he had said he needed to pee out loud. “I’m tired.”

“I can tell,” Atsumu said. Sakusa hummed and closed his eyes again, just letting himself float there. He felt oddly comfortable. He could feel Atsumu’s arm stretching across his back, could feel his fingertips on his side, bare hands on Sakusa’s ribs, exposed due to the drop armhole tank top he was sporting. Somehow, it didn’t bother him. He took another sip from his drink and floated.

 

Atsumu struggled to drag Sakusa out of the booth, struggling to affix the man’s mask to his face. Sakusa was clearly drunk and had been for hours, but they were going back to their hotel and that meant dragging the teammates who drank too much back with them. Luckily for Sakusa, he wasn’t the only one who passed out at the bar, so he wouldn’t have too much to be embarrassed about. Unluckily for the team, they had four out of the twenty-two players who had to be carried. “Wait.” Atsumu huffed, letting Bokuto support Sakusa as Atsumu leaned across Sakusa’s lap to reach for the track jacket. He yelped, much to his embarrassment when he felt a hand on his ass.

Atsumu straightened up, trying to assess if Sakusa even realized he had touched him before shaking him of his thoughts and helping Sakusa into his jacket. “ I gotta piss, ” Sakusa muttered, his face looking almost pained as he complained, yet again, that he needed to pee.

“Soon, I promise,” Atsumu said, hefting one arm over his shoulder and Bokuto taking the other arm. The cool air outside seemed to help wake Sakusa up a little bit. He still seemed disoriented, but he shuffled his feet on his own. “I got him,” Atsumu said, letting Bokuto go off and help someone else.

Sakusa leaned against Atsumu, his face pressed up against Atsumu’s neck. He was talking, but Atsumu couldn’t understand what he was saying.

By the time they got back to the hotel, Sakusa was still clinging to Atsumu, but his footing was steadier. He had stopped mumbling into Atsumu’s collar, but he had kept his face pressed there. He knew they would get shit from their teammates, but he could hardly care about that when Sakusa was so close to him so willingly. Atsumu waved goodbye to his teammates as they all dispersed into their rooms with their respective roommates.

Atsumu didn’t slow down once he got through the door, not bothering with their shoes, he just went straight to the bathroom. It was embarrassing. “You can’t hold liquor for shit.” Atsumu complained, blushing furiously as he helped Sakusa get his pants and underwear shimmied down to his thighs. He clenched his jaw and forced himself to look away when Sakusa started pissing, though he still stood there and supported him. God, the morning was going to be awkward if Sakusa remembered any of this.

Once he had peed, Sakusa let out an explosive sigh, struggling back into his underwear, but shoving his pants down his legs more. He almost tipped over, but Atsumu steadied him with two sturdy hands on his hips. “We didn’t get yer shoes off,” he pointed out.

Sakusa stopped struggling. “I realized.” He grumbled, stepping on the back of one shoe and ripping it off his foot. Atsumu helped him balance as he did it to the other shoe and finally managed to kick his pants off. “Wanna shower,” he muttered, tugging his mask off and letting it fall to the floor, joining the pants and shoes there, as well as the track jacket that Atsumu had been carrying from the bar.

“No way.” Atsumu laughed. “You can barely stand by yerself.”

Sakusa pouted, but let himself be led to the bedroom. He whined. “Noo.”

“No what?” Atsumu said, having done nothing more than pull the sheets back on Sakusa’s bed. Looking over at him, Sakusa looked physically pained, Atsumu’s eyes widened. “Shit, ya gonna puke?”

“I can’t sleep there.” He scratched at his bare arm. “I’m dirty.”

Atsumu took a deep breath and sighed, turned, and pulled down the sheets on his own bed. “Come on.”

Sakusa shifted from foot to foot unsteadily. “Dirty.”

“It’s fine. Ya can shower in the morning and still have a clean bed t’morrow,” Atsumu said. “Come on, we gotta get to bed.”

Sakusa sucked in an unsteady breath, he was still scratching his arm and Atsumu grabbed his hand to stop him. “Come on,” he urged, all but dragging Sakusa over and forcing him into the bed. He looked ready to cry, but he gave in, lying down.

“This is your bed,” Sakusa said softly, kicking his feet under the blanket and pushing the stuff that Atsumu still had lying on top of the bed.

“I know,” Atsumu said, gathering up the items and chucking them into his luggage. Once he had cleaned off the bed, he went to the bathroom and grabbed the trash can, setting it on Sakusa’s side of the bed. He sighed. There was nothing more sobering than trying to take care of a drunk friend. He looked at Sakusa on the bed and was surprised to find him staring. “What?” He asked, reaching forward and pushing his fingers through Sakusa’s curls.

“I like you,” Sakusa mumbled, his eyes falling closed.

Atsumu blinked, surprised. He didn’t answer Sakusa, if only because he assumed the other had drifted off. He stood up and made his way towards the shower.

 

The morning brought pain and embarrassment. Sakusa felt like his brain was leaking out of his ears and his stomach was trying to escape through his belly button. He groaned, pressing his face into the pillow. He tried to curl up, but his knees hit solid volleyball player and were stuck. He wanted to bury himself in ten feet of sand. Somewhere between finishing the third drink and finishing the fourth drink, Sakusa started to not be able to remember some of the night.

He remembers enough though. He remembered Atsumu babying him into the room, the bathroom, and then into the bed. “Mornin’,” he heard from across the pillow. It was slurred with sleep and muffled by pillows.

Sakusa just grunted in response, pressing another pillow over his head. He wanted a shower and he wanted food, but mostly he just wanted to lay there forever. He felt a shift in the bed and peeked out of one eye to see Atsumu sit up. His hair was a disaster, presumably from going to sleep with it wet, and he was shirtless, scratching idly at his chest as he reached for his phone. Sakusa closed his eyes again.

When he woke up again, it was because he was being woken up. He grumbled but turned towards the source of annoyance. “What?” He whined, though he would never admit to it.

“Breakfast.”

Sakusa sat up, rubbing sleep from his eyes with his palms before glancing at the tray in Atsumu’s hands. He could see four bowls of miso soup and four bottles of green tea. “That’s a lot,” he muttered.

“Yeah, well, there are two of us.” Atsumu laughed, his hair was still a mess, but he was at least wearing a shirt now. Atsumu set the tray on the bed in front of Sakusa’s crossed legs before moving back over to the side of the bed he had slept on so he could climb in, snagging a bowl of soup off the tray. “Wasn’t sure what else ya would have wanted,” he said.

“Probably nothing. I feel like shit,” he complained, following Atsumu’s lead and grabbing a bowl of soup. His stomach ached, but as soon as he started eating, he realized he was ravenous. It didn’t take them long at all to eat both bowls and finish the tea. When they had finished, Sakusa set the tray further towards the foot of the bed. “What time is it?”

Atsumu reached for his phone, tossing Sakusa his own while he was at it. “Like 9.”

“I’m showering,” Sakusa said. He had been wanting to do that this whole time, his skin felt itchy and dirty, but he had felt unsteady.

Atsumu nodded, waving his hand. “I’ll shower after. Don’t trip on the trash can when ya stand up.”  

           

After his shower, Sakusa felt vaguely more human. He got dressed in sweats and another tank top, flopping down on his own bed and curling up in the clean sheets.

Atsumu watched Sakusa with a fond smile, dragging himself off the bed and into the bathroom. It had been tidied up, bottles that had been knocked from the vanity while Sakusa and Atsumu stumbled about in the bathroom the night before were picked up and set straight on the counter. It made Atsumu smile. As he showered, he wondered how much Sakusa remembered of the night before. He hadn’t seemed confused about waking up in Atsumu’s bed, with Atsumu, but he hadn’t addressed any of the things that Atsumu would have assumed he would. For the time being, Atsumu was just glad it wasn’t as awkward as it could have been.

When he got out of the shower, he wasn’t surprised to hear the soft snoring coming from the bed by the window. He chuckled and dressed before going about tidying up their hotel room. It was kind of a disaster from the night before.

Sakusa finally woke up on his own and sat up around 2 hours later. The sight of Sakusa slowly rising from the bed, his hair in disarray and his eyes blinking blearily, was undeniably cute. Atsumu wished he could have gotten a picture. Sakusa sat there, staring at the wall for a solid minute and a half before flopping back down again, causing Atsumu to laugh. “Ya good?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Sakusa said, his voice thick with sleep. “Thanks for the food earlier… and um, everything, last night,” He said, not looking at Atsumu at all.

Atsumu shrugged. “Yer welcome.” He swung his legs off his bed and went to stand next to Sakusa’s bedside. “I got some pain meds if you want them.”

“Please,” Sakusa all but moaned, shifting to sit up again. He accepted the medication and the water bottle, downing half the bottle in one go.

“Need anything else?”

Sakusa huffed and swung his legs out of his bed. “Nothing I can’t get myself,” he said, standing up with a groan as Atsumu stepped back to give him room. As Atsumu returned to his position on his bed, he watched Sakusa dig around in his luggage until he pulled out some small prescription bottles.

“What’s that?” Atsumu asked.

“Medication.”

“No shit.”

“For my OCD,” he said, standing up and turning towards Atsumu. “It’s an antidepressant.”

“Oh. I take one of those.” He said, gesturing to the bottles on his nightstand. He knew there had to be more, since there were six or seven prescription bottles in the bag, but he didn’t argue, but who was he to judge after all, he had two bottles on the nightstand.

Sakusa huffed a light laugh before heading to the bathroom to wash his hands and take his medications. “I don’t think I’m supposed to drink with these,” he said, squinting at the bottle.

“Probably not,” Atsumu said. “Most antidepressants don’t mix well with alcohol.”

Sakusa frowned, shook his head, and moved on. He set the bottles down and started to brush his teeth. Atsumu never would have assumed he would get a kick out of watching someone brush their teeth, but Sakusa was so methodical in his approach that it made him chuckle. He had seen it before, when Sakusa had stayed at his home for the holidays, but Sakusa seemed to be concentrating more than usual.

Atsumu resumed reading, only looking back up when he heard the buzzing of Sakusa’s toothbrush stop and then start again, twice. “Six minutes is too long.” Atsumu said, standing up and heading over to the bathroom. “You’re drooling blood.”

Sakusa took a deep breath, closing his eyes and forcing himself to pull the toothbrush out of his mouth. “My mouth feels gross.” He mumbled. Looking down at the sink filled with the scuzz from brushing his teeth, the toothpaste mixed with blood from over brushing. He went to put the toothbrush back in his mouth but Atsumu grabbed it. Sakusa glared at him, but it had lost a lot of its effect with the toothpaste still lingering around his lips.

“Rinse,” Atsumu demanded.

It took a long moment, but Sakusa turned towards the sink and grabbed his mouthwash, rinsing, twice, then spitting.

 

Eventually the duo left the hotel room to grab lunch, joining Bokuto and Hinata who they had run into in the lobby of the hotel. “Hey!” Hinata said grinning, like he hadn’t been one of the four who passed out at the bar. Sakusa squinted at him, cursing him for seeming fine after such a night of drinking.

Atsumu grinned. “Hey, getting lunch?”

“Yeah!” Bokuto cheered.

“We’ll join ya.”

Sakusa frowned, but he didn’t argue. “Ramen,” he demanded instead, making the others laugh.

Sakusa lagged behind, his head still aching and his skin still feeling itchy. He wanted another shower, but he also knew it was irrational. “Whatchya thinkin’ bout Omi-kun?” Atsumu asked.

“The best way to commit intentional homicide,” he said.

Atsumu raised a brow. “Now why are ya thinkin’ bout that?”

“Because someone dragged me to a bar I didn’t want to go to last night and now I feel like shit.”

Atsumu pouted and shrugged. “Sounds like a good friend.”

Sakusa frowned harder and trudged on in silence. He was sore all over and he hadn’t gotten a run in before lunch, which meant he probably wouldn’t get one in at all. “I wish I went for a run.”

“I didn’t want to wake ya when I went on mine, ya didn’t look like ya wanted to wake up anyway.” He laughed.

“Fuck off.”

Lunch went surprisingly well, although, on the way back to the hotel, Bokuto took the lead with Sakusa next to him, Atsumu and Hinata trailing behind. “Are you and Omi dating?” Hinata asked, tilting his head curiously at Atsumu,

After nearly choking from surprise, he forced out a weak “no.”

“Oh.” Hinata looked down towards their feet. “You guys kind of act like you are. Especially last night at the bar,” he remarked.

“Omi was drunk.”

“Don’t people say that drunk words are sober thoughts? Or drunk actions are sober wishes? Something like that.”

Atsumu pursed his lips thinking about it, on the one hand, he wished he could believe it. Afterall, if that were the case, then Sakusa basically confessed to him last night. On the other hand though, Atsumu knew what it was like to have something happen to you when you're drunk and not have the wherewithal to stop it from happening. If drunk actions were sober wishes, Atsumu probably wouldn’t be in therapy every week. He shuddered thinking about it. “I don’t think that’s true though.”

The long period of silence told Hinata enough to have him drop the issue. He didn’t know what had Atsumu thinking so hard, but he hadn’t looked happy, so it was probably not something good that had happened the night before. “Do you… like him though?” He asked tentatively, hoping it was just far enough away from the topic of drinking that it wouldn’t get Atsumu all sad looking again.

“I…” He started, trying to decide if he should lie or not. “I do,” he said quietly, “But I’m not, like, tryin’a court him or anything.”

Hinata laughed a bit at the wording. “Why not?”

Atsumu huffed, watching as they got closer to the hotel, and hopefully the end to this conversation. “Because I’m not looking to date,” he said honestly. “Not right now.” Maybe not ever, though that seemed like a stretch. “And I highly doubt that Omi-Omi is looking for something like that.”

He wanted to argue, but Hinata wasn’t sure he could. You would have to be blind not to notice the way Sakusa kept everything clean, and even then, you could probably smell the disinfectant from a mile away. Maybe touching would be too far, and Hinata couldn’t imagine a dating life without touching.

Getting back to the room, Atsumu grabbed his suitcase off the floor and tossed it onto his bed, starting to pack up what he wouldn’t need for the rest of the day. They had an hour before they needed to be at the gym to play their last match of the weekend, then they would catch a train home that same night.

Chapter 4: Chapter Four

Notes:

Trigger warning: both of the boys struggle with their own specific coctail of mental ailments. Sakusa goes into more detail about his OCD and Atsumu talks more about his depression and anxiety. Atsumu mentions a past attempt at suicide.

To almost everyone’s surprise, Sakusa skipped practice the next day.

Atsumu was getting antsy about Sakusa having missed practice by the third missed practice in a row. He was making more mistakes than normal, obviously having a harder time focusing than normal, which was already pretty hit or miss. “Miya!” Foster yelled.

With a bowed head he loped over to his coach, “Yes sir?” He didn’t get an explanation for why he was called over. He didn’t need one. He was screwing up, Foster wanted to know why. “I’m just worried about O- Sakusa. I’ve never seen him miss three practices in a row.” He said. He knew Sakusa probably called out a bit more often than some of the other players, definitely more than most of the starting line-up, but three days was a lot.

Foster sighed. “He’s been in touch; he’s just feeling a little under the weather. He’s fine.”

Atsumu was still worried, fidgeting, but he was dismissed back to the team. Told to do better.

 

After the shit-show that was practice, Atsumu made a detour on the way home to stop at Sakusa’s place. It took three tries before he heard the garbled voice of his teammate crackle through the intercom. After a brief exchange, Atsumu was allowed up.

He opened the door quietly and slid into the guest slippers. “Omi?” He called.

“Bathroom,” came a quiet reply.

Atsumu dropped the grocery bag he brought with him on the counter before making his way to the bathroom. When he pushed open the door he was surprised by what he found. He nearly shouted in concern, but Sakusa had told him through the intercom that if he made too much noise he would be kicked out. “You look like shit,” he said, rushing forward.

Sakusa was sitting on the floor, one leg on either side of the toilet bowl with his forehead resting against the seat. He was pale and had his eyes closed. “Shut the door,” he muttered.

Atsumu frowned and reached for the light, since it wasn’t on already, but seeming to read his thoughts Sakusa spoke again, “No lights.”

“What’s wrong with ya?” He asked, closing the door and plunging the bathroom into darkness. The only light was filtered through the small window used for ventilation in the shower room. He could barely see anything.

“Migraine.”

“Fer three days?”

He didn’t see movement, but he heard it and assumed Sakusa nodded. “Something like that. Can you call Motoya?”

It took a second for the name to register before grabbing his phone out of his pocket. The second he unlocked it Sakusa groaned and brought his arms up to cover his face from the light, “Sorry,” he whispered, “I’ll um, step out for this.” He left the bathroom, thoroughly freaked out by how terrible Sakusa had looked. He brought up Komori’s contact and hit call.

After a few rings, Komori answered cheerfully. “Hey!”

Atsumu stammered for a second before finally explaining the situation. There was silence for a  long moment, then muffled talking, some rustling, a loud slam, then he was talking again.

“I’m on my way, can you just… make him drink some tea and make sure he took his meds?” Komori said, the noise on the other end indicating that he was probably jogging. “And if he isn’t wearing pants, help him into them. I’m gonna bring him to the hospital.”

“The hospital?” Atsumu asked, worried. He moved around Sakusa’s apartment carefully, grabbing the tea and finding the bedroom, not trying to snoop but wanting to find clean clothes for his teammate. Might as well change him completely since he’s been hanging out with the toilet for who knows how long.

“Yeah. Don’t worry too much. This happens sometimes.”

Atsumu didn’t know how to not worry when Sakusa looked on the brink of death, but he did his best, ending the call with Komori and making his way to the darkened bathroom. “Did you take your meds?” He asked softly, breaking the seal on the bottle of tea and taking the cap off, based on the silence, Atsumu decided that was a no. He opened the medicine cabinet above the sink and saw some very familiar yellow bottles. He grabbed all of them and brought them to the shower room, reading the prescription to figure out what Sakusa needed to take. There were so many.

Clomipramine, Fluoxetine, Terazosin, Celecoxib, Omeprazole, Tramadol… Atsumu didn’t even know where to begin. He didn’t know what they were all for, but he carefully plucked out the pills that said once a day and gave them to Sakusa.

Even though it pained him, Sakusa looked over the medication before popping it in his mouth. If it were Komori he would have trusted him, he had been dealing with Sakusa for a lot longer. Once he had swallowed the pills and drank most of the tea, he let Atsumu work on changing his clothes. It was embarrassing, but he couldn’t do it himself.

When Komori did finally arrive, he took over. “Thank-you Atsumu,” Komori said. “I’ll have him call you when he is feeling better.”

With a soft thanks, Atsumu left, walking down the street in a daze as he processed all the information. He checked the time and saw he hadn’t been there more than forty minutes, it had felt like a lifetime. When he got home he curled up on the couch, he was twitchy and unable to focus on anything. He switched from watching TV to reading a magazine to listening to a podcast, then he cleaned the living room, organized the fridge, tried to watch TV again, and finally decided to just go for a run.

 

The next day of practice was even worse for Atsumu than the previous day and Foster ended up telling him to go home. He was frustrated with himself, but he just couldn’t get himself to stop thinking about Sakusa lying prone on the bathroom floor.

He was just kicking off his shoes when he heard a knock on the door. It startled him, half because he wasn’t expecting company, and half because he had just come through the door only moments before. He turned and opened the door, peering through the crack to see none other than the man who had been filling Atsumu’s worried mind for the past twenty-four hours. “You’re alive.”

“Of course I’m alive,” Sakusa said, although he didn’t sound like his normal self. “It was just a migraine.”

“Liar,” Atsumu opened the door wider, allowing Sakusa in.

“Fine. I’m a liar, but I don’t want to talk about it either.”

Atsumu pursed his lips but brushed it off. “What ya got there?” He asked instead, eyeing the bag dangling from Sakusa’s hands.

Sakusa lifted the bag. “The stuff you brought over yesterday. Figured we could eat it. Since you weren’t at practice, I thought you might have stayed home sick.”

Atsumu frowned. “I only just left practice.”

“I probably looked in the gym while you were in the locker room or something,” Sakusa said with a shrug. “You had your head down, but I was only down the hall waiting for the elevator when you came up the stairs.”

“Oh,” Atsumu said. “Um, thanks.” He took the bag and walked to the kitchen, heating up the soup and pulling out the electrolyte drinks. “I wasn’t really sick, I just… I couldn’t concentrate and Coach told me to go home.”

Sakusa settled himself down on the couch with a deep sigh.

“Yer still in pain, aren’t ya?”

“Yeah, but it’s fine. Seriously. I’ve been dealing with this my whole life.”

That didn’t really bring Atsumu any comfort, but he stayed silent. Once the soup was hot he joined Sakusa on the couch and turned the TV on with a very low volume setting.

“I noticed something,” Sakusa said after a few moments. “You watch everything with subtitles.”

“Ah,” Atsumu said, stirring his soup, “I don’t wanna talk about that.”

“Mood,” Sakusa said, making Atsumu chuckle.

They ate in silence. It was probably the most awkward meal Atsumu had ever had. When he finished he took their bowls to the kitchen to wash later. “Um, you can stay if ya want, but I think… I think I need to lay down.”

Sakusa raised a brow and stood. “I’ll go then,” he said. “but, I should probably tell you thanks. And, I’m really sorry that you had to see me like that. I- please don’t tell the team.”

Atsumu huffed. “I won’t tell a soul,” he promised. “Take care. I’ll see ya tomorrow?”

“Well, we do have a game.”

“Oh, yeah.”

 

It was a weird weekend, Atsumu had been off his game all week and Sakusa had been absent. It was probably only by a miracle that they were both still allowed to play on Saturday. Not to mention that Sakusa and Atsumu weren’t bunking together this time, so they didn’t have much of a chance to talk about the whole headache thing, but that was okay, Atsumu had a feeling that Sakusa didn’t want to talk about it regardless. He might never want to.

He was pleased though, when Sakusa approached him in the locker room after their game on Sunday, inviting him over the next day. Atsumu answered with an ominous “I’ll think about it.” Their games were close enough to Osaka that they took the train home that night, though they still had no practice Monday.

 

He did end up taking Sakusa up on his offer the next day, making the short trek to Sakusa’s apartment early in the day. He was tired, but he had gotten his run in and had a quick bite to eat before heading over. When he got there, Sakusa looked good. He had color in his face and Atsumu watched as a bead of sweat slid from his temple down his cheek. “Hey.” He greeted. “Sorry, I thought I would finish before you got here. I forgot you lived so close.”

“You walked past my apartment yesterday.”

“Shh,” Sakusa said, rolling his eyes.

Atsumu’s eyes drifted to the yoga mat in the middle of the living room with a raised brow. “Stretching?”

“Yoga,” Sakusa answered, sighing as he lowered himself down on the mat again. “I am almost done, make yourself at home.” He grunted, practically folding himself in half in front of Atsumu’s eyes.

Atsumu was embarrassed, but he ended up just sitting on the couch watching Sakusa. He asked questions sometimes, but the answers took a while to come and he could tell that Sakusa was pushing himself to try and answer while stretching, so he shut up. The stretching only took another ten minutes before Sakusa flopped face down on the mat, breathing heavily and cooling down. “That looks hard,” Atsumu noted.

“It isn’t easy,” Sakusa said, pushing himself upright with a groan. “Can you entertain yourself for like… half an hour?”

“Wanna shower?”

“Yeah.”

“Go for it,” Atsumu said, grabbing the TV remote and flipping on the television.

 

When Sakusa finished his shower, he joined Atsumu in the living room, flopping down on the couch with a sigh. “What’s this?” He asked, kicking his feet into Atsumu’s lap with a level of familiarity and comfort that surprised and delighted Atsumu.

Atsumu hummed. “An American movie. It’s called Sully. Do ya remember that plane crash a few years ago in New York City? Made huge news because the pilot landed on the river n’ no one died.”

“Yeah.”

“’Bout that.”

Sakusa nodded and settled in.

“I can restart it if ya want.”

“Did I miss much?”

Atsumu thought about it. “Not really. If ya got questions lemme know.”

After a very long bout of silence, just enjoying the movie, Atsumu finally spoke up again. “I have APD,” he said, out of the blue, “That’s why I watch everything with subtitles.”

Sakusa turned to look at Atsumu. “Isn’t that an American security system?”

“That’s ADP.” Atusmu chuckled. “Uh APD is a, uh, like an auditory delay or somethin’,” He said with a shrug. “Like, sometimes thin’s are happenin’ so fast that I can’t always process it at the same rate, at least when it comes ta hearing shit. Auditory processing disorder, I think?”

Sakusa hummed, it made sense. It wasn’t uncommon for Atsumu to ask people to repeat themselves, although most people took his “what’s” as an argument, rather than as a genuine question. “So, the subtitles…”

“Help me focus on the movie. If there’s too much goin’ on, like the plane crashin’ and the stewardesses yelling in the background and tryin’ to also process what the Capt’n and Co-Capt’n are saying.” He explained.

Sakusa frowned and grabbed the remote, rewinding the movie to the particular scene Atsumu was referencing. “I- I didn’t even notice that you could hear the flight attendants in the background in that scene,” he admitted.

Atsumu chuckled. “That’s my problem. I noticed them and then, if I didn’t have the subtitles, I wouldn’t have even noticed that Sully and Stiles were talkin’. Or I woulda noticed but not been able to hear them, if that makes sense.”

Sakusa nodded and leaned back, watching the movie silently for a few moments. “I know that you know this already, but I do actually have OCD. It isn’t quite the mysophobia that every chalks it up to be.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Sakusa said, swallowing. “It- I do have issues with germs and cleanliness, but if it were as straightforward as that I would never be able to play volleyball. Think about how many hands have touched that ball in a game. How many sweaty hands? Or the floor for that matter,” he said. “I don’t like crowds, but that isn’t so much an OCD thing as it is a me thing. I just don’t like them the same as someone might not like elevators or bridges or flying,” he said, picking at his fingers. “But sometimes, I get so in my head about where something has been or how sick I could get from eating something that it does often come off as mysophobia, so I understand why people think that.”

“So, it’s more of a, everythin’ has its place thing?”

“It’s more of an intrusive thoughts thing.” Sakusa huffed, pulling his feet back towards him on the couch. “Sometimes certain things will bother me, like not wearing a mask in public because people are gross and don’t take care of their health. And other times, things won’t bother me, like touching volleyballs or even the floor in the gym. Sometimes, things need to be perfectly in order and straight and neat,” Sakusa waved to his bookcases as an example, “But then I have no problem stacking up my mail on the table or leaving my sweater thrown over the back of a chair,” he said. “OCD is weird and the patterns make sense to my subconscious, but I can’t figure out what I need sometimes.”

“Like when ya move yer plate around when ya eat?”

Sakusa frowned. “You noticed?”

“Yeah, at my house, you were swiveling it all over the place. But when ya eat out of a bowl I’ve never noticed you do that.”

Thumping his head back against the couch, Sakusa looked at the ceiling while he talked. “Usually with a bowl there is just one thing in it, one meal. Sometimes I get hung up on putting my bowl down exactly right. I’ve been in a bad space before where I was literally crying because every time I put my bowl down it made a noise that I hated and I just had to do it until I set it down quietly. It was one of the most frustrating things ever.” He shuddered even to think about it. “But with a plate, I’m usually moving it around based on what I’m eating. I’ve learned to be okay with my food touching, though there are definitely foods that cannot ever touch.” He chuckled. “But like, at your house for example, if I was eating the rice I wanted the rice facing me, when I ate the tempura I rotated my plate so the tempura was facing me. Stuff like that.”

Atsumu nodded along, gratefully taking in any information he could get about Sakusa. He had hoped that coming clean about his subtitles would prompt Sakusa to come clean about his migraines, but he wasn’t about to push the matter. He knew how terrible it was to talk about something someone wasn’t ready to talk about yet. “Tell me more,” he murmured, his eyes tracing the details of Sakusa’s face.

Sakusa scrunched up his nose as he thought. “OCD… it tricks your brain into thinking if you don’t do this very specific thing every time, something terrible will happen,” he explained, “which is where a lot of my cleaning habits come from. I was a pretty sick kid, always in and out of the hospital either for getting into stuff I wasn’t supposed to or for getting hurt or just because someone went to school sick and I picked up a virus. I actually, you can’t tell anyone this,”

Atsumu raised an eyebrow and nodded. “’Course Omi.”

“I got in a lot of trouble when I was living in Tokyo. I was at University and I was living in student accommodations because my parents didn’t trust me to live by myself. It was probably a good thing, but I still resent them a little bit for that. I was lucky enough to get housed in facilities where we each got our own bathroom, but we had to share a kitchen. I was in the process of switching prescriptions for my OCD at the time, so I was all over the place mentally.” Sakusa was wringing his hands together, his nerves acting up. No one outside of his family knew this side of him and he wasn’t used to sharing. “I set the dorm kitchen on fire. Not just once, but three times.”

Atsumu frowned, “How?”

“I…” Sakusa took a deep breath. “The first time… while I was cooking, I had this terrible compulsion to clean the bathroom. Nothing out of the ordinary really. But it was so strong and I knew that if I didn’t stop what I was doing and clean the bathroom right then that something bad would happen.”

“So, ya left your food on the stove and went ta clean the bathroom.”

Sakusa nodded. “Even when the fire alarm went off, I couldn’t get myself to stop cleaning the bathroom. My mind had somehow convinced itself that the fire alarm was going off because I hadn’t cleaned the bathroom fast enough, or well enough. It hadn’t even occurred to me that I had left my fish on the stove."

“And that happened 3 times?”

“Well, they were all a little different, but yeah,” he said with a shrug.

“That’s terrifying,” Atsumu said, “I’ve done some dumb shit in my life, but usually I at least had the capacity to decide t’do the dumb shit.”

Sakusa let out an explosive sigh, turning his body more fully towards Atsumu, his feet up on the couch and his arms wrapped around his knees. “Sometimes I don’t even realize that I’m doing anything wrong or that I’m having a bad day. Like, I’ll accidently miss practice or a meeting or therapy because I am so caught up in whatever compulsion has decided to take hold of me. I’ve forgotten to sleep or eat before. The medication helps, but it isn’t a perfect solution.”

Atsumu nodded. “Yeah I get that. It’s kinda like, well, I’m on an antidepressant and it isn’t like it suddenly makes everything okay, but it makes everything a little more bearable.”

Sakusa nodded. “Yeah.”

Atsumu rotated his body, pretty much mirroring Sakusa’s posture. “Ya said you were on an antidepressant too, right?”

“Mhmm, it’s for the OCD.” Sakusa said, “I’m on two.”

“Oh,” Atsumu said, curious. “Why do ya need two?”

“Because one wasn’t enough,” he said simply. “I started to have uh, rather violent intrusive thoughts, and they were scaring me, so my psychiatrist changed my prescription. Now I take clomipramine and fluoxetine. One is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor and one is non-selective.”

“Oh, I take fluoxetine too,” Atsumu said. “But it’s for depression and anxiety.”

Sakusa nodded. “That makes sense.”

Atsumu raised an eyebrow, “Ya think?”

“Well, don’t some people say that some of the happiest people are just the best at putting up a façade?”

Atsumu was silent for a long moment, staring just over Sakusa’s shoulder until his gaze finally fell to Sakusa again. “I think that’s the first time someone believed me so easily.”

“Really? What about Osamu?”

Atsumu scratched his chin. “He thought I was bein’ moody for attention,” he said, “Kinda like when I asked the band not to play during my serves. Osamu thought that I just thought I needed special attention but I really jus’ couldn’t focus with all that noise,” he said. “Ma… well, she believed me when I told her, but I didn’t tell her ‘til I was in the hospital for overdosin’… on purpose.”

Sakusa reached out with his foot, nudging Atsumu. “You’re not… still suicidal… are you?”

Atsumu hummed. “Not so much. I mean, I’m in therapy ‘nd take meds, but sometimes things are just… too much.” He pursed his lips. “I haven’t tried recently, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so lonely since. With ‘Samu not believin’ me and Ma not knowing and I was too scared to tell her. I just felt so alone. Even though I know it was mostly jokin’, the guys at Inazaraki would rib me so much about being an asshole, or being conceited. I just got overwhelmed.” He sighed. “But things haven’t always been easy, ya know?”

There was something else there, something that Atsumu wasn’t saying, but Sakusa didn’t want to push the matter. It was honestly amazing they were having the conversation. Sakusa didn’t really get close enough to people to open up. It wasn’t even that he didn’t have friends, because he did, but he didn’t like them to know that he struggled. He let them believe it was just a clear cut mysophobia then he didn’t have to explain anything to them. “Do you want to watch another movie?” He asked, changing the topic.

 

Komori groaned as he dragged the very full grocery bags up the stairs. When he got the door open he was surprised by what he saw. He grinned to himself and carefully put the groceries down in favor of taking a photo. The TV was playing previews, so Komori assumed that Sakusa and Atsumu must have fallen asleep watching something and been sleeping for some time. For most people, seeing the two of them on opposite sides of the couch probably wouldn’t raise any suspicions, but this was Sakusa. Sakusa, who barely let people into his life, never mind his apartment. Sakusa had his leg stretched part way across the couch, his foot resting against Atsumu’s ankle. It was cute. Komori was going to make fun of him forever. He walked over silently and turned off the TV, pulling the blanket off the back of the couch and draping it over the two of them. Sakusa stirred. “Motoya?” He mumbled, groggy.

“Go back to sleep, I’m just dropping off some food,” He said.

Sakusa looked confused for a second before looking towards the kitchen. His eyes widened and he felt himself flush when he saw Atsumu also sleeping on the couch. “I…”

Komori cut him off with a shake of his head. “Go back to sleep.”

He put away the groceries as quietly as possible before making a hasty departure.

 

When Sakusa woke up later, the blanket that had been draped over both him and Atsumu was now tucked in a little tighter around Sakusa and the other end of the couch was empty. He frowned and was about to nuzzle back into the couch and try to fall back asleep when he pinpointed what had woken him up. Someone was singing under their breath.

Sakusa untangled himself from the blanket and stood up from the couch, groaning as he heard a pop from the way his knee had been angled on the couch. He thought maybe Komori was still there, but that didn’t make sense, Komori was terrible at singing, this was pretty good.

When he finally looked in the kitchen he saw that it was Atsumu. He hadn’t left after all. “You’re terrible at singing,” Sakusa said, his voice rough from sleep. He leaned against the pillar and watched.

Atsumu turned around with an undignified squawk. “’Scuse me?”

“You heard me,” Sakusa smirked. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have reacted like that,” He said, knowing Atsumu well enough to know that he probably would have said something along the lines of his APD acting up now that Sakusa knew.

Atsumu pouted, but it only lasted a moment before the grin he was trying to suppress won the battle. “Asshole.”

“Dickhead.”

“Wow, I feel like I’m at my brother’s house,” he complained, turning back towards the stove and flipping the fish. “I decided I would cook us lunch since ya were still napping.”

Sakusa stepped up behind Atsumu and peered over his shoulder. “Looks good.”

“And ya doubted my ability in the kitchen.”

“No, I doubted your ability not to make a mess,” he corrected.

“Either way,” Atsumu said, waving the spatula, “Ya were wrong.”

Sakusa rolled his eyes and grabbed them some drinks. “Damn.” He muttered, pulling his cell phone out and dialing his cousin’s number. “How much shit did you think I needed?” He asked, looking into his very full fridge.

“I grabbed the stuff on your list.”

“And a bunker worth of other stuff,” Sakusa complained. “What do I owe you?” He asked, trying to figure out just how much money his cousin had spent on all the groceries.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“Jesus Motoya, it looks like you bought a paycheck worth of groceries,” he complained, leaving the kitchen and walking through his apartment.

“Consider it a gift for confessing.” Sakusa stopped short, confusion in his features.

“Is that what you think happened?”

“Am I wrong? You two looked so cute curled up on the couch together. I already sent the photo to Suna.”

“You’re wrong.” He said, leaning against the wall and looking at Atsumu in the kitchen. “I didn’t do anything of the sort. I was just drained from my migraine and the away games and he was probably exhausted from whatever he has going on.”

“Boo,” Komori jeered. “Get off your ass and confess already.”

“Butt out,” Sakusa snapped, hanging up on his cousin. He wandered back into the kitchen. “Done yet?”

Atsumu nodded. “Yeah, pretty much,” He said, sliding the fish onto two separate plates. “Can you scoop the rice?”

“Sure.” Sakusa moved to the sink and washed his hands before going to the rice cooker and scooping two heaping piles of rice onto their plates. “You can leave the dishes, I’ll do them.”

“I don’t mind.”

Sakusa huffed a laugh. “No offense, I’m just a little particular about it.”

Atsumu blinked. “Alright,” he said, drying his hands and grabbing his plate.

They ate on the couch, watching another movie. After a long period of silence, long after they finished their food, Sakusa turned to look at Atsumu. “Got a question.”

“Shoot,” Atsumu said, looking at Sakusa.

“Don’t be offended.”

“No promises.”

Sakusa chuckled. “You haven’t been dating recently… Is there a reason?”

Atsumu sucked in a sharp breath and Sakusa was about to retract his question, because that was a very obvious yes . “I don’t want to talk about that.” Atsumu laughed nervously. “Let’s uh… table that for now. I’ll tell ya sometime, but I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”

Sakusa nodded. “Alright,” he said. “I respect that.”

Atsumu smiled at him. “What about you? I don’t think I’ve ever seen ya date.”

“OCD is a mess,” he said simply. “It’s hard to drag people into that shit. Hard to let people in, let them… touch me and my stuff.”

Atsumu wanted to point out that he was there, in his apartment, but he didn’t know what Sakusa did after Atsumu left, for all he knew Sakusa could go on a cleaning rampage to rid the apartment of any evidence that Atsumu was there at all. He didn’t like that thought, so he turned his attention back to the TV.

 

 

 “Omi-kun!” Atsumu shouted, hopping into his pants and trying to chase Sakusa down at the same time, “Wait!”

Sakusa stopped. “What?” He asked, turning towards his teammate.

“Let’s hang out!”

It had been weeks since the conversation about their disabilities and mental health issues and things were going swimmingly. Komori still hounded him about his crush and Sakusa still steadfastly ignored him. Still, Atsumu and Sakusa had kept up their habit of betting their dinners on their serves. Not everyday though, and not this day. “I’m busy.”

Atsumu pouted. “But it’s yer birthday, I made ya cake.”

Sakusa paused, shock written into his features. “You… you did?”

“Yeah! I hope it’s good,” he said. “It’s jus’ chocolate with vanilla frosting, but I don’t usually bake much.”

Sakusa picked at his fingers. “Well, I wasn’t lying about being busy. I’m having dinner with Motoya, but uh, you can join us if you want.”

Atsumu’s face lit up. “Yeah. Sure. Yer house?”

“His. I’ll text you the address,” he said.

Atsumu nodded. “See ya later Omi.”

 

Several hours later found Atsumu, Komori, and Sakusa piled onto the small couch in Komori’s living room. There was a half-gone package of beer in the middle of the table. Sakusa was leaning against Atsumu and Komori was leaning against Sakusa. “You know what?” Komori asked, staring up at the ceiling.

“What?” Atsumu indulged.

“Suna is like… so hot.”

Atsumu snorted. “I don’t know why everyone says that!” He exclaimed, “Sure he’s got the whole tall guy, dark hair, pale skin thing goin’ on, but like, he’s got the posture of a goose!”

Sakusa laughed at that, burying his too-warm face in Atsumu’s neck and shaking with laughter.

“A hot goose,” Komori mused.

“He’s taken,” Atsumu said, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Komori laughed, “I can look though. Looking doesn’t hurt anyone.”

“I’m telling my brother this.”

Komori shrugged. “Maybe they’d be down for a threesome.”

“Ew.” Sakusa and Atsumu said in tandem. “Ugh, get off me.” Sakusa groaned, shoving Komori off the couch and propping his legs up where he had previously been occupying, barely conscious of the hypocrisy of telling Komori to get off him while he leaned most of his own weight against Atsumu.

Komori groaned, lying prone on the floor for a few moments before standing up. “Fuck me.” He groaned. “I’m going to bed,” he said, “Happy birthday asshole. Don’t fuck on my couch.”

Sakusa rolled his eyes and flipped his cousin off as he walked away from them. Once Komori had locked himself away in his bedroom, Sakusa stood on unsteady legs, laughing when he nearly fell back down on top of Atsumu, only saved by his hands wrapping around his hips to keep him up. “Ya good Omi?”

“Gotta pee,” he mumbled.

“Can ya do it alone this time?” Atsumu teased.

“Fuck off .” He grumbled, pulling out of Atsumu’s grip and stumbling towards the bathroom. When he got back from the bathroom he saw Atsumu standing near the door. “Are you leaving?” He asked.

Atsumu turned towards him with a sleepy smile. “Well, since Komori went t’bed I figured it was time fer us t’go?” He said questioningly.

“Oh. Yeah, that’s true.” He mumbled, he dragged his hands down his face roughly. “Fuck I’m drunk,” he complained.

Atsumu smiled, “Come on. Get yer shoes on.”

Sakusa made his way over to Atsumu, sliding his feet into his shoes and turning the lights off for the apartment. “Let’s go.”

Atsumu supposed he shouldn’t be surprised, but it still did surprise him when Sakusa pulled his keys out of his pockets and locked the apartment door on their way out. “Ya got a key?”

“Yeah. He’s got one for my apartment too.”

Atsumu thought about that. “Then why was he standin’ outside in the snow when we came back from our holiday vacation?”

“Fuck if I know. Probably just didn’t bring it with him since he was expecting me to be home.”

Sakusa tripped approximately four times on the short walk from his cousin’s house to his apartment. “Ya wanna stay over at mine?” He asked.

Sakusa turned his tired gaze to him. “Yours?”

“My apartment, dummy.” Atsumu laughed, “Yer not gonna wanna sleep in yer bed without showerin’, right?” Sakusa shook his head and Atsumu gestured to him, “Ya can barely stand. Ya definitely can’t shower. Come over.”

Sakusa could blame the slight chill in the air on the shiver that ran down his spine, but he knew it was more than that. “Okay.” He said softly, his face warming at the genuine smile that it elicited from Atsumu.

“Come on birthday boy, let’s go the fuck t’sleep.”

It was weird waking up in a bed that wasn’t his own, but he had gotten used to it over the years of volleyball. He got used to waking up in hotel rooms. He had never woken up in a bed that wasn’t his own where it was someone else’s home though. That was a new one. He groaned, burying his face in Atsumu’s back before he realized it was Atsumu’s back. He only realized when he heard the same slurred voice from the last time he got drunk mumble out a low “Mornin’.”

Sakusa groaned and mumbled out some mangled version of “Good Morning” but it was mostly slurred into the hard planes of Atsumu’s back. The room was cold, he could feel it on his nose when he turned his face to look at their ceiling, but under the covers was warm. Atsumu was warm and he cuddled closer, pressing his cold nose against the dip between the other man’s shoulder blades, earning a hearty laugh from the other.

“Whatchya doin’ Omi?” Atsumu mumbled, his feet moving back on the bed, finding Sakusa’s.

“You’re warm,” he mumbled. “Very, very warm.” Sakusa wanted to whine when Atsumu shifted, pulling away, but then he realized that Atsumu was just flipping over. His hair was a mess and he had the littlest bit of crusty on one eye from sleeping, but Sakusa couldn’t help but wonder if this is how it would feel to wake up every morning in Atsumu’s bed. He wondered if he wanted that.

“Yeah, ‘Samu and I run like fucking furnaces. Been hearing that my whole life.” He chuckled, shifting one arm to support his head, his other hand moving to play with the hem of Sakusa’s shirt. “When we were little we used t’sleep together when we had nightmares.” He admitted, “’Specially right after dad left. We would always wake up with the blankets on the floor ‘cause it got too hot with botha us sleeping in the same bed.”

Sakusa smiled and shifted to lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. “Why the stars?” He asked, gesturing to the little glow in the dark stars plastered to the ceiling.

Atsumu shifted his gaze and sighed. “I didn’t like sleepin’ alone after I moved out of ‘Samu’s. Or well, alone in the house. Not sure when the last time we shared a bed was, probably high school.” He chuckled, only mildly embarrassed to admit that he and his brother had shared a bed while they were on the cusp of adulthood. “I brought the stars from our childhood bedroom. Not even sure ‘Samu’s noticed they aren’t there anymore.”

He could see it. Sakusa struggled moving out of his home too, and he hadn’t shared a room with anyone. He struggled to find a new normal. It was easier when he moved to Osaka because at least he had his cousin there to help him, but it was still really hard. Still, he was glad he had moved. He was glad he had teammates like the ones on MSBY and he was glad that they supported him even when he was a bit of an asshole when he first joined. He huffed when he noticed something about the stars. “Those are real constellations.”

The grin Atsumu gave him was silly. “I don’t do things in half-measures,” he said. “It bugged me when we were kids that Ma put them up all willy nilly, so when I moved ‘em I made sure they looked like the stars from back home.” He sat up a little and pointed to his desk in the corner of the room. “That’s a photo from my backyard that I used.”

Sakusa turned his head and saw the framed photo. It was one of Atsumu’s family, even his dad was in it. The angle was bad, but everyone was laughing and clear as day in the sky above was the stars. “That was before your dad left.”

“Yeah well. I still love him, ya know? I just don’t like him very much.”

“Hm, I understand the sentiment,” he admitted. “Do we have to get up?”

Atsumu grabbed his phone and squinted at the screen. “We have a few hours until practice.” He turned towards Sakusa with a grin. “Why? Ya wanna cuddle some more?” He asked teasingly.

“Shut up.” Sakusa huffed, but he did press himself back against Atsumu, letting Atsumu curl his arm around his waist and nose at the hair on the back of his head. He shivered when he felt his breath on the back of his neck. “Quit breathing on me.”

“Oh, sorry, let me just suffocate real quick.” Atsumu snipped, but he wiggled down on the bed so that his forehead was pressed to Sakusa’s shoulder, his breath no longer caressing Sakusa’s skin.

Chapter 5: Chapter Five

Notes:

Heavy trigger warning here folks!! Sakusa gets hurt and Atsumu opens up about his past trauma of SA. Proceed with caution.

Also, huge thank you to @gayhomogayhomogay on tumblr for the wonderful and amazing artwork!

The season ended the last week of April, but most of the players, despite having a few weeks off before training started up again, found themselves at the gym a few days a week to work on their volleyball anyway. Sakusa and Atsumu were just finishing serving practice and were in the locker room showers when Atsumu heard a yelp, a crash, and then a cry. He startled, his hands flying to the knob to turn the shower off, plunging the locker room into silence except for the strangled breathing of his teammate and the water trickling out of Sakusa’s shower head. He grabbed his towel and wrapped it around his waist before rushing over to the stall Sakusa had been using. “Omi!” He shouted. “What-?” He cut himself off as he took in Sakusa’s appearance.

Sakusa looked up at Atsumu when he heard the footsteps and saw him standing just a foot or so from him. He looked worried, scared even. Sakusa took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down despite the panic bubbling in his throat. He was in pain. A lot of pain. He didn’t answer Atsumu right away, his eyes tracking his teammate as he reached across him and pushed the knob for the shower the rest of the way off. “Fuuuuck,” he whined, his head thumping back against the shower. He felt something on him and lifted his head again to see his towel draped over his lower half.

“Can ya get up?” Atsumu asked, leaning forward to look at him.

“I… don’t know,” he said, when he moved his arm to push himself up he felt a searing pain and cried out.

“Shit,” he heard. “Don’t move. I’m calling an ambulance.”

“Don’t.” Sakusa wheezed. “Just… call Motoya.” He pushed himself up with his other arm.

Atsumu wanted to protest, badly, but he did as he was told. He stayed by the shower, telling Komori exactly what Sakusa told him to.

“Hello?” He heard, there was background noise, but not enough where he couldn’t hear Komori speaking to him.

“Hey uh- It’s Atsumu. I feel like I only ever call ya when something is wrong…” He started, “But Omi fell in the shower at practice. I- I wanted to call an ambulance, but he said to call you. He… he looks hurt Komori. He said he needs his hip brace.” He said, pulling pants on as he spoke to him, not wanting to have to worry about his towel falling off when he inevitably helped Sakusa out of the shower.

“Fuck,” he heard Komori mutter, “I’ll be there in… 20 minutes?”

“I’ll stay with ‘im,” Atsumu said, hanging up. He went back to the shower and saw Sakusa sitting up, he was taking deep, measured breaths.

“What can I do, Omi?” He asked.

“Help me up.”

“Are ya sure that’s a good idea?” He asked.

“Yes.” 

Atsumu pursed his lips, but he reached out, his hands sliding against Sakusa’s wet skin, nearly dropping him back onto the hard tile. He helped him hobble to the bench. He quickly grabbed Sakusa’s bag from the bench and returned to his side. He opened the bag, frowning at all the pain meds and pain creams and salves he found inside. 

“Pass me those, no, yeah,” Sakusa directed, his voice wobbly.

Atsumu followed directions, handing Sakusa the pain meds as they sat there. True to his word, Komori burst into the locker room only 20 minutes after Atsumu called. His hair was a mess and he had a smear of red on his jaw that made Sakusa feel guilty for interrupting him. Atsumu took a step back as Komori came over, looking at his cousin. They didn’t exchange many words, but Atsumu watched in mild horror as Komori grabbed Sakusa’s injured arm, twisting it. He watched Sakusa grimace, but since he didn’t say anything, neither did Atsumu, then with no words exchanged, Komori bent Sakusa’s elbow, suddenly folding his arm.

The yelp that Sakusa let out hurt Atsumu’s heart, his eyes widened in shock at the sudden movement.

Sakusa took several measured breaths before he opened his eyes and bent his elbow on his own. “Ya know how to do that?” Atsumu asked, stepping forward as he realized that Komori had popped Sakusa’s elbow back into place.

Komori frowned. “Unfortunately,” he mumbled. “Kind of gross though. I can take care of him. You can go home.”

Atsumu furrowed his brow and frowned. “No,” he said, “I- I don’t know what is going on, but I want to help in any way I can.”

Komori opened his mouth to argue with him, but when Sakusa tried to get to his feet he shouted in pain and Komori frowned. “Fine, help me get him standing. We’re going to get his underwear on, then the hip brace.” He instructed.

Atsumu nodded, grabbing a pair of underwear out of Sakusa’s bag, “These?” He asked, eyebrows raised. They certainly didn’t look like they would fit Sakusa’s frame.

Despite the seriousness of the situation, the confusion on Atsumu’s face made Komori laugh slightly. “Yeah. They’re compression shorts.”

“Oh,” Atsumu said, remembering how hard it had been for Sakusa to wiggle out of his underwear after their night of drinking. He brought the shorts over, kneeling at Sakusa’s feet and helping his crying teammate into them. He was careful and tried not to press into the bruises he could already see forming. “Sorry Omi.” He said, tugging the band over his rump, too worried about the situation to even think about how close he was to Sakusa’s junk.

Sakusa, for his part, was holding it together like a champ, all things considered. He was silently crying, but Atsumu wasn’t surprised, he was fairly certain anyone would be. “Thank you,” he said softly, moving his hand to Atsumu’s shoulder for support.

While Atsumu was still kneeling, Komori helped him get the hip brace tugged over Sakusa’s foot and fastened around his hip. He could tell that the act of fastening pushed it into the bruise, but Sakusa didn’t say anything.

Once he was in the brace, they let Sakusa sit down. He looked broken with the brace on him. He was surprised by just how much it hurt Atsumu to see him like that. He knew he liked Sakusa, but this felt… deeper than that.

They let Sakusa just rest for a moment, letting him catch his breath and stop crying. When he seemed ready to move, they helped him up. “Did you drive?” Atsumu asked Komori. “Because Omi and I took the train.”

“Yeah. You said he was hurt, of course I drove.”

Atsumu nodded and shut his mouth, not wanting to say anything that would upset Komori. He seemed tense. He was sure he would be the same way if Osamu was hurt. As it were, Atsumu felt too out of his depth to truly feel tense. They helped Sakusa into a pair of sweatpants and, unfortunately for Sakusa, one of Atsumu’s sweaters. He didn’t want one with a hood because it would press against his shoulder in the car, but more than that, they wanted a really loose sweater. Luckily, Atsumu’s favorite comfort clothing was an extra-large sweater. It was clean, but that didn’t make Sakusa want to put it on.

When they got to the car, they put Sakusa in the passenger’s seat and Atsumu got in the back with his and Sakusa’s bags. He dug around in Sakusa’s bag until he found some cold compresses, popping them and handing them to Sakusa wordlessly. He didn’t get a thanks, but he didn’t need it.

 

Once Sakusa was in his apartment and settled on his couch, Atsumu sat next to him. Komori was in the kitchen cooking something to eat. Sakusa looked zoned out, staring at the wall, but not seeing anything. “Omi?”

Sakusa’s eyes widened just slightly and he turned to look at Atsumu. “You’re still here?”

Atsumu hummed. “Unless ya want me ta leave?”

He seemed to think about it for a few seconds before he shook his head slowly. “You can stay,” he said, very quietly, his eyes shutting for longer every time he blinked.

“Do ya wanna lay down?” He asked, receiving a silent nod in reply. “Here or in yer bed?”

“Here,” Sakusa mumbled, knowing he didn’t want to deal with the excruciating pain of getting up.

Atsumu nodded. “Come ‘ere,” he mumbled, gently manhandling Sakusa into a lying position across the couch, his head in Atsumu’s lap and his feet dangling over the edge.

When Komori came back into the room, two bowls of food in hand, he couldn’t help but smile at the sight. He set the food down as quietly as possible before pulling his phone out and snapping a photo, sending it to Suna, who in turn, showed Osamu.

On the couch, Sakusa was sleeping with his head in Atsumu’s lap, Atsumu’s hand stopped part way through brushing his fingers through Sakusa’s hair. Atsumu’s head was tipped back against the couch, mouth slightly open as he, too, fell asleep. 

 

Komori hated to wake them up, but he had to. He waited as long as possible, drawing a hot bath for Sakusa to get into and pulling down the sheets on the bed. He left his date early anyway, so it didn't hurt to be a little caring towards Sakusa.

He shook his cousin’s uninjured arm softly. “Hey. Come on, let’s get you in the bath,” he said. Sakusa roused slowly, blinking slowly into consciousness then groaning because he was in pain. Komori woke Atsumu too, though he was less gentle about it since he wasn’t hurt. It took effort, but he eventually got Sakusa sitting up again and he gently tugged Atsumu’s sweater off of him.

Atsumu’s eyes grew large at the sight of the bruising to Sakusa’s side. It was a deep marring purple with a few splotches that were darker. And it was huge. “God, Omi,” he said, stopping himself from reaching out to avoid hurting him.

Sakusa sighed. “Motoya…” he said, “You can go home now. I’m fine.”

Komori raised a brow, “You think so?” He said. “Is Atsumu going to play nurse for you? Because someone needs to.”

Sakusa opened his mouth to argue that he didn’t need to be coddled, but Atsumu beat him to it. “Yes,” he breathed suddenly, surprising even himself. After a second to compose himself, Atsumu nodded. “I mean, yeah, I can take care of him, or help him. I don’t mind.”

Komori raised a brow, noting the slight flush on his cousin’s cheeks and shrugged. “Alright,” he said, stepping back. “Well, I drew him a bath and made some food. Make sure he eats. He likes to skip that when he’s in pain.”

Atsumu nodded, helping Sakusa off the couch and into the bathroom while Komori made his exit. “I’ll text you later,” Atsumu promised. “Once he’s in bed or something. Let ya know he’s okay.”

With a final nod, Komori shut the door.

It was difficult, helping Sakusa hobble from the couch to the bathroom, especially when the latter seemed hell bent on not wanting to ask for help. He tried to push himself and Atsumu scolded him for it. “Sit,” He demanded, waiting patiently for Sakusa to lower himself onto the lid of the toilet. “Do you need to keep this brace on?” He asked.

Sakusa shook his head. “I shouldn’t get it wet,” he said, “but I’ll probably put it back on after the bath.” He let Atsumu help him get his pants and underwear off, despite his embarrassment.

“I know this probably isn’t the time…” Atsumu said, kneeling on the floor, pressing his forehead to Sakusa’s knee. “But you gotta tell me what’s goin’ on,” he pleaded. “I like you so much, and seein’ ya like this… it hurts. I don’t… I don’t understand how this could happen from slippin’ in the shower?”

Sakusa sucked in a sharp breath at Atsumu’s impromptu confession. “You like me?” He asked, supporting himself on Atsumu’s shoulder as he got into the hot bath water.

“I thought it was pretty obvious,” Atsumu said sheepishly.

“I… I kind of thought you were just like that with everybody,” he said, hissing as he settled, the bath pressing against his bruise.

Atsumu huffed. “Well, I ain’t,” he said. Sakusa wanted to also point out that Atsumu had recently said he didn’t date, but he didn’t press it.

Sakusa leaned back in the tub, letting the hot water and Epsom salts ease his pain somewhat. “EDS.” He said finally.

“EDS? What’s that?”

“It’s a connective tissue disorder. It’s complicated, but boiled down to the basic elements, it means I dislocate my joints easily and I can bruise easily. It’s painful all the time .”

“Is… is that what caused your migraine too?”

Sakusa hummed. “It doesn’t cause migraines per se, but it can be linked with various other disorders. I just also happen to get very severe migraines.”

“That’s terrible Omi,” Atsumu said, reaching into the water to stroke his thumb over Sakusa’s knee, hoping he wasn’t overstepping any bounds. “I’m gonna go get the food that Komori made, ya need to eat.”

 

 

“Yes, Mother.” Sakusa teased, his eyes slipping shut.

Atsumu reheated the food and was back in the bathroom rather quickly, handing Sakusa his bowl before sitting on the stool near the tub and eating his own.

Sakusa watched him out of the corner of his eyes. “You know… you don’t actually have to stay. I’ve been dealing with this my whole life.”

“I want to be here,” Atsumu promised. “Now eat.”

Sakusa finished his food and sank deeper into the warmth of the tub, not even realizing how zoned out he was until Atsumu brushed his fingers through his hair. “Let’s get ya inta bed,” he said, leaving his side to get a towel. It was only then that Sakusa realized the water wasn’t even warm anymore.

He stood slowly, with Atsumu’s help, and dried off. Atsumu wrapped the towel around his waist and grabbed the brace off the floor before helping Sakusa hobble to the bedroom. It seemed like every step caused Sakusa agony. “Are ya sure ya shouldn’t go to the hospital?”

“I’m sure,” Sakusa said, sitting on the end of his bed. Atsumu turned towards the dresser and searched around for Sakusa’s underwear, but all he found were braces and medical supplies. Weird, they were there when Atsumu helped him get dressed with the migraine.

“Where are ya underwear?”

Sakusa’s unsteady gaze found Atsumu again and blinked. “Um. There are drawers in my closet.”

Atsumu wanted to tell Sakusa that he was scaring him, that he hadn’t seen anyone as zoned out as Sakusa since his mother found out he tried to kill himself. But, he didn’t. He went to the closet and found the underwear, a pair of loose fitting sweat pants, and a massive sweater. He was back at Sakusa’s side within minutes. “Alright, I’ll go slow but let me know if anything hurts.” He said, kneeling down to loop the underwear and sweatpants around Sakusa’s ankles and pulling them up to his knees. “You’re going to have to stand.”

With a deep breath, Sakusa stood, using Atsumu’s shoulder for support.

“Why are your underwear so tight?” Atsumu complained, unable to stop his fingers from digging into Sakusa’s bruise as he pulled them up, eliciting pained groans from his friend.

“They’re compression shorts. They help keep everything aligned.” Atsumu grabbed the hip brace from next to him and started to affix it to Sakusa’s hip. “Under normal circumstances, they alleviate pain in my hips from my disorder.”

Once Atsumu got the sweatpants pulled up over the brace he helped Sakusa sit back down. Despite his earlier insistence that he was fine, the second Atsumu went to leave the room he felt a tug on his shirt. “Will you stay?”

Atsumu smiled. “I promised I would,” he said, “I’m just gonna get ya a glass of water and yer other meds for the morning.” He also washed the dishes and wiped down the bathroom. His mind felt like it was spinning a million miles an hour with all the new information. He was exhausted, but he also knew that if he were to lay down, he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep.

When he went back into Sakusa’s room, the other man was asleep. Atsumu grabbed Sakusa’s keys out of his gym bag and made a quick trip to his apartment to grab his own meds, his laptop, and some clean clothes. Making it back to Sakusa’s apartment within twenty minutes. He was quiet as he entered, locking the door behind him and settling in on the couch. He spent the next few hours researching EDS and OCD before finally succumbing to sleep.

 

He woke in the morning to a loud thump and a shout. It didn’t sound like a shout of pain though, it sounded like a shout of frustration. Atsumu groaned, moved his laptop off his lap and stood, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he made his way to the bedroom. “Omi-kun?” He called, poking his head in.

Sakusa had his legs swung over the side of the bed and he was sitting up. He snapped his eyes to Atsumu. “You’re still here.” Where Atsumu expected to find anger, he saw genuine surprise.

“I promised ya I would stay,” he said, “Though I did make a quick trip to my apartment to grab my things.” He stepped further into the room. “Why’re ya shouting?”

Sakusa huffed, looking down at his legs. “Because I’m pissed. I have been so careful not to get hurt. I can’t see my back, but I can feel the bruising. How fucking lame. A fall in the shower.”

He took careful steps towards Sakusa. “Accidents happen,” Atsumu said, sitting next to him. “Besides, yesterday you were saying ya’ve been dealin’ with this yer whole life, right?” Sakusa nodded solemnly. “Then you can get through this time too,” he said. “And you aren’t alone either. Komori came rushing to yer side, and I’m not goin’ anywhere either.”

“Yeah, I probably ruined whatever chance Motoya had with whatever girl he was with,” he mumbled.

Atsumu shrugged. “If she was worth his time then she would understand that family is more important than sex. Besides, Komori didn’t seem all that heartbroken, so it prolly was just sex. I think he was at a party based on the background noise when I called ‘im.”

Sakusa scrunched up his nose. “Ew.”

Atsumu laughed and held out a hand. “Enough about yer cousin’s sex life, yeah? Let’s get ya showered and I’ll cook ya breakfast.”

“I can do it myself,” he mumbled, but he took Atsumu’s hand anyway, letting the setter lead him to the bathroom.

“Shuddap and let me help ya,” Atsumu said, pulling Sakusa’s sweater over his head. He sucked in a deep breath. “Stay.”

Sakusa rolled his eyes, but did as instructed, balancing himself on the sink. When Atsumu came back it was with his phone in his hands and he had Sakusa lift his arm and he took a photo. The bruising was bad, deep purple and blue. It started high up on Sakusa’s shoulder blade and disappeared under the band of Sakusa’s sweatpants.

Once Atsumu helped Sakusa out of his pants, brace, and underwear, he took another photo. “I feel like you shouldn’t have permission to have naked photos of me on your phone.” Sakusa teased, taking two steps away so he could be under the spray of hot water.

Now that Atsumu could see all the bruising, he felt sick to his stomach, it extended way past Sakusa’s ass, about halfway down his thigh. It was way larger than it had been the night before. “You’re basically one big bruise,” he mumbled, completely ignoring Sakusa’s comment.

Sakusa frowned and turned towards Atsumu. “The bruise is worse than normal just because of my EDS.”

“I know. Well, I guess I know. I looked up EDS last night and I did see that severe bruising was a symptom, but this still is bad. Like it has to be painful.”

He snorted, getting his hair wet. “It is painful. But that doesn’t mean the bruise is as bad as it looks.” He couldn’t say he was too surprised that Atsumu had looked up EDS, especially after everything he had seen.

Atsumu huffed and stripped down to his boxers before moving to stand behind Sakusa. “At least you seem livelier today, I thought ya were dying yesterday after ya took those pain meds.”

Sakusa rolled his eyes but let Atsumu take the shampoo from him. “They were like, the strongest pain meds,” he said. “I keep them in my bag for emergencies.” He let his head loll back into the soothing press of Atsumu’s fingers, loving the attention to his scalp.

“That makes sense,” He said, letting his fingers linger in the curly hair he loved so much.

Sakusa tried not to think too hard about the fact that Atsumu was bathing him. He didn’t want it to be weird.

 

Once Sakusa was finished showering, he moved to sit on the couch, hissing in pain as it put pressure on his bruising while Atsumu moved to the kitchen to cook breakfast. It wasn’t much, but he made Sakusa’s favorite flavor of Onigiri, only needing a few shouted directions on where to find things like gloves and furikake seasoning.

He settled onto the couch next to Sakusa, several rice balls on two plates. He even brought Sakusa gloves to eat with since he knew he wasn’t a fan of their sticky texture.

“What we were talking about last night…” Atsumu started, toying with the nori on the side of his rice ball.

Sakusa looked at him, mouth already full. He swallowed, “I don’t remember a lot of stuff from last night, probably because of the pain meds, but I remember some stuff, what, specifically, are you talking about?”

Atsumu looked over at him and blinked, “Oh, well, I mean if you don’t remember then that’s fine too,” he said, taking a bite of his food. He could feel Sakusa’s gaze drilling into the side of his head, unsatisfied with that outcome. “It’s just a little embarrassing,” he mumbled after swallowing.

“More embarrassing than putting my underwear on for me?” He asked, his face slightly red at the reminder. “Or… more embarrassing than helping me take a leak because I was too drunk to stand up straight?”

Pouting, Atsumu took another bite to delay the conversation, earning a hearty eye roll from Sakusa. “Yeah, actually. A lot more embarrassing,” he mumbled, his face looking… sad.

Sakusa frowned, he didn’t know what they could have talked about to make Atsumu look like that. “Um, well we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I assume you did want to since you brought it up.”

“I guess. I just…” He paused, “I said that I liked you?”

“I recall.”

Atsumu quirked a smile. “Damn, I was hoping you wouldn’t,” he teased.

“Atsumu,” he said, “We don’t… Nothing has to happen if you aren’t ready for it. I, um, I feel the same, but I know you had said you weren’t dating and that you didn’t want to talk about that.”

“I was raped.” Atsumu blurted out, barely giving Sakusa time to finish his sentence before he was speaking.

It was just about the last thing that Sakusa expected to hear come out of Atsumu’s mouth. He stared at him in shock for a few seconds, then noticed that he was holding back tears. “Atsumu,” he whispered, putting down his food and stripping off the gloves before moving himself just a little closer to his friend. “It isn’t your fault,” he said, not knowing what to say.

Atsumu wiped his nose with his sleeve, his plate of food sitting in his lap. “I know,” he mumbled, “My therapist tells me that every week.” He took a shaky breath in. “That’s why I haven’t been going out drinking as much lately, alcohol kinda… makes me uncomfortable now. Like I’m gonna lose control of myself somehow.” He didn’t go anywhere unless he was with people he trusted. People who he knew would make sure he made it home safe. People who he knew wouldn’t take advantage of his inebriation. People like Sakusa or the team.

“What- never mind,” Sakusa said, knowing that Atsumu had been assaulted was enough information, he didn’t need Atsumu to relive the encounter just to satiate his curiosity.

Atsumu sniffed, wiping his face again. “I still, I don’t know if she spiked my drink or I just had way too much t’drink, but… I don’ remember her asking me to her apartment, but I don’t remember a lot of how I ended up there,” he mumbled, staring at his hands. “But well, I woke up, I guess I must’ve passed out on her bed, and I woke up to her ya know, sucking me off.” He cringed at his own words. “Then she…”

“Atsumu, you don’t have to tell me,” he said, wanting to reach out for him, but unsure it would be welcome.

“Shh.” Atsumu huffed, “She uh, she mounted me? That is probably a weird way to say it, but yeah. I couldn’t even… I was so fucked up I couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t push her off, I said no, but…  great lot of good that did.” His tone was bitter and sarcastic. “I was scared that if I pushed her off she would call the police and accuse me of rape. My career would be ruined.” He moved the onigiri off his lap and pulled his legs up onto the couch, wrapping his arms around his knees. “The next mornin’ she acted like everything was fine. Like… like I had consented to sex.” He dropped his forehead to rest his head against his knees. “I just wanted to go out drinking and have a good time. Dance with some people maybe, I hadn’t gone out looking for sex. But people… they always think the guy in the bar is tryin’ a get laid. Never think that maybe he just wants to let loose because his coach has been up his ass about training lately.”

“I believe you,” Sakusa said, reaching out to run his fingers gently over Atsumu’s white knuckles. “I don’t know… I don’t know what else to say.”

Atsumu barked a laugh, turning his head to look at Sakusa through tear-filled eyes. “That… that might have been the perfect thing to say,” he said. “It took four therapists before I found one that believed that a rape had even occurred. I thought… I thought I was going crazy. Osamu…. I haven’t even told him yet,” he admitted. “I’m afraid to know what he would say.” They had their weird twin telepathy thing, but it wasn’t really mind-reading and it wasn’t perfect. Osamu had tried to call him that night, somehow able to sense his distress, but Atsumu had played it off the next day. Osamu didn’t believe him, but he didn’t pressure him either.

“You know… your brother will support you, no matter what. He isn’t the type to think that it isn’t rape just because you’re a guy and the rapist was a girl.” Sakusa said.

“I know, but it’s still scary.”

“Why did you tell me then?”

“Because, eventually, I want to have sex with you,” he said. “If, ya know, that would be somthin’ you’d be interested in.”

Sakusa flushed a deep red at the comment despite the heaviness of the conversation. All of a sudden, his mouth felt dryer than the dunes of Tottori Sakyu. “Uh, yeah, I mean…” He cleared his throat. “Eventually,” He mumbled, embarrassed.

Atsumu smiled. “Yer cute when yer embarrassed,” he mumbled, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “Anyway, I figured that if I told ya and ya were totally disgusted, I would just have to get rid of these pesky feelin’s that I seem t’have developed.”

“You’re so embarrassing. How did I even get myself into this situation?” He asked.

“My charm and wit musta won ya over.”

“Mhmm. Something like that,” Sakusa teased. The heaviness of the atmosphere didn’t completely disappear, but Sakusa and Atsumu were both feeling a little better. “So… are we dating?” He asked, breaking the silence that had fallen over them as they resumed their meal.

“Aw, Omi-kun, ya wanna date me?” Atsumu grinned.

“Nope,” Sakusa said, sulkily, causing Atsumu to laugh boyishly and grin.

“Yeah, Omi, I’d like that.”

 

 

“Are you still alive?” Komori called, kicking his shoes off in the genkan before walking further into the house. It looked like Atsumu had done a good job cleaning up after himself, assuming he had cooked at all. He eyed the backpack on the floor in the living room suspiciously before getting his phone out. He took a photo, sending it to his teammate to ask if it was Atsumu’s. When the answer he got was an affirmative one, he grinned.

He tried to walk quietly, though since his initial shout hadn’t been met with any sort of greeting, he doubted that his footsteps would wake anyone up. He poked his head into the bedroom and had to cover his mouth to keep from laughing.

He took a photo, of course, and set it to Suna. In the bed, Sakusa was bundled up like a human burrito and Atsumu was sprawled across what was left of the bed. They weren’t touching, mostly because all that stuck out of the human burrito was Sakusa’s curly hair, but it was still sweet. Sakusa hadn’t even been kind enough to share the bed with Komori when he had been staying over a few months ago while the heating in his apartment had been getting fixed.

Instead of bothering to wake them up, despite it being the middle of the day, Komori cooked lunch and cleaned up a little bit. He wanted to see his cousin up and moving around before he went home.

He jumped a little bit when he heard Sakusa’s voice behind him. “What are you doing here?”

Komori turned to look at him. “The fuck do you mean?” He asked, incredulous. “Obviously I am here to see how you’re doing,” he said. “The fact that you’re up and being an asshole is a good sign though.” He paused. “Saw Atsumu in your bed, you two finally get your shit together and start dating?”

Sakusa rolled his eyes and lowered himself down onto the couch, propping his feet up on Komori’s thigh. “You say that like I’ve been pinning for a long time,” he mumbled, tugging the blanket off the back of the couch and over his legs.

“You called me over six months ago to complain about your silly crush,” Komori reminded him.

Sakusa rolled his eyes and settled further into the couch, only perking up when he heard Atsumu’s thundering footsteps carry him from the bedroom to the bathroom. He heard the bathroom door slide shut and smiled. “Yeah. But don’t tell anyone. Not even Suna.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

“I want Atsumu to get the chance to tell his brother before you and Suna get to,” he said, rolling his eyes.

Komori rolled his eyes right back. “Might be a little late, Suna knows that Atsumu stayed the night. That’s it though.”

Sakusa huffed. “Whatever.” He peeked over the back of the couch when he heard shuffling footsteps.

“Omi?” Atsumu called softly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He took a second to take in the scene before smiling. “Hey, Komori.”

Komori smiled back. “Hey. I made lunch if you’re hungry,” he said, standing up. “But I just came to make sure Kiyoomi was okay, I’ll get out of your hair now.”

Sakusa and Atsumu watched him go.

 

“He knows, doesn’t he?” Atsumu asked around a mouthful of food.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full. And yes, but I asked him not to tell Suna so that you’d have a chance to tell your brother first.”

“Are we coming out then?” He asked, sitting next to Sakusa on the couch.

“No,” he said, frowning. “Just to family,” he said seriously. “Please. I can’t handle people being in my business.”

“It’s fine Omi, I don’t care either way,” he said, smiling. “But we should ask Coach to have us rooming together for all the away games.” He laughed.

Sakusa huffed, but he didn’t disagree.

Chapter 6: Chapter Six

Notes:

Trigger for mentions of SA and suicide. Atsumu and Osamu talk.

“’Samu, I need to talk to you.” He said, scuffing his foot on the floor like a kid.

Osamu looked over at him from where he was mopping, “What? Ya finally confess yer undyin’ love to Sakusa?”

“Actually, yeah, but it isn’t about that,” he said.

Something in his tone had Osamu straightening up and paying attention. “Sure,” he said, handing the mop to Suna. “I’ll uh- come upstairs.”

Suna looked down at the mop, then at the twins who were walking away. The shop was closed, so it wasn’t like Suna couldn’t clean up by himself, but he was curious. He wanted to snoop, but boy would he wish he hadn’t.

 

“Okay.” Osamu said, shutting the door to the apartment, “What’s up?”

Atsumu felt sick to his stomach. “Tea?” He squeaked out, already brushing past his brother and into the kitchen to make some.

“’Tsumu, what the fuck?” He asked. “Yer acting like ya got someone pregnant, just spit it out.”

Atsumu frowned. “Not everything is easy to talk about,” he muttered, “not even to you.”

Osamu rolled his eyes but left the kitchen and settled on the couch to wait for his brother to get his head out of his ass and talk to him. He looked up when Atsumu handed him a cup of tea as well.

“I need ya to promise not ta brush it off. Not like when we were kids and I told ya that I didn’t know how to be happy and ya laughed at me and pushed me into a stream.”

Osamu flinched, alright, maybe he wasn’t always the better-behaved twin. “Is it as serious as ya wantin’ ta kill yerself?” He asked softly, taking a sip from the tea, suddenly feeling like he needed the comfort it would bring.

“Yeah,” he answered softly, he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and gnawed at it for a few seconds before letting it go. “Kinda made me wanna try again,” he confessed.

Osamu shifted on the couch to look at his brother. “’Tsumu,” he mumbled, reaching out for him, “What happened?”

Atsumu took a deep breath, steadying himself. He had already told Sakusa almost a week ago at that point, so why was it so hard to tell his twin brother? “I was… I was raped,” he whispered.

The silence after the confession was all-consuming. He could hear the blood pounding in his ears, loud enough to drown out the noise of Osaka traffic. He didn’t realize he was crying until he felt a thumb on his face. He opened his eyes that he hadn’t realized he closed and looked at his brother. “Was… was that the night I called you?” He asked. “’Cause I had that bad feelin’ and ya told me you were fine?”

“Yeah,” Atsumu said, pushing his voice out around the lump in his throat, the words nothing more than a pained whisper. “Yeah. I- I didn’t know how t’tell ya.” He was pulled into a bone-crushing hug only a second after his confession and he belatedly realized that Osamu was crying too. When Osamu finally pulled back from the hug, he punched Atsumu in the shoulder, eliciting a short whine from him. “What was that fer?”

“Fer lyin’ t’me,” he said, hitting him again, though with less force. “We’re adults now, we’re not the same dumb kids that pushed each other over embankments and raced through the woods until we were lost in the middle of the night. I’m not the same dumb teenager who thought depression was an easily visible illness reserved for people who wore all black and cried a lot.” He huffed. “And I sure as hell don’t think yer depressed for attention anymore.” He was more pissed at his old self for being so stupid than he would ever be at Atsumu for keeping a secret. “We are, however, still the same brothers who carried each other when we got hurt, who raced endlessly and pushed each other to be the best version of ourselves. We’re still the dumbasses that can always tell when something is wrong or when there is a storm brewin’. Next time I ask if yer okay, don’t lie t’me.”

Atsumu listened to his brother’s impromptu rant and nodded. “Can I sleep here tonight?”

“’Course,” he said. “Rin can sleep on the couch.”

Atsumu laughed around a throat clogged with tears.

Rin did, in fact, sleep on the couch. Atsumu curled up in the bed, new sheets put on because he didn’t want to sleep on sheets his brother and his boyfriend had screwed on, with his brother curled up around him. They were probably too old to cuddle, definitely too proud to confess to it, but they slept like they did when they were little and there was a thunderstorm. Atsumu would climb down off the top bunk and scoot his way into Osamu’s bed. Osamu would grumble about it, but he would always curl himself around Atsumu’s back and hold his hand until the storm had passed.

 

“I feel like shit,” Atsumu whined.

Osamu looked over at him from where he was playing on his phone. “Maybe that’s because you stayed up half the night cryin’.”

“I was bein’ emotionally vulnerable!”

“Well ya were definitely emotional,” Osamu teased, if it was anyone else, the barbs might hurt, but the normalcy of it helped. Atsumu buried himself in the blankets and scooted closer to his brother, burying his face in the side of his thigh, smiling to himself when he felt his brother's fingers in his hair.

“I did confess, by the way,” he mumbled against his brother’s leg.

“How’d that go?” He asked, moving on to a different game. “What’s a word I can make with V-E-R-C-E-I-S that ends with ‘ate’? I’m aiming for the triple score tile.”

“Eviscerate,” Atsumu answered after a short pause to replay the letters in his head. “Also, it went good. Omi likes me too. We’re datin’.”

Osamu whistled. “How’d ya do that? That was worth 95 points,” he said, setting his phone down. “So, does he know? About what ya told me?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled. “I told ‘im before confessin’.”

“Why did ya tell him before me?” Osamu tried not to sound petulant, but he failed.

“’Cause someday I wanna fuck ‘im.” He huffed. “And if we’re gonna date, he should know why I might be a bit… uh, hesitant about sex.”

“Gross,” Osamu said, pushing at Atsumu’s head, which only resulted in Atsumu headbutting his leg.

“Shuddap.” He groaned. “Ya asked, just answerin’ ya.”

There was a knock on the door that caused the brothers to look up. Atsumu rolled his eyes at the audible gulp that he heard his brother let out. “Can I get my bed back anytime soon?” Suna asked, standing in the doorway wearing nothing but a towel, his arm propped up on the doorframe. Atsumu fake gagged before rolling out of the bed and springing to his feet. “Ya’d be hotter if ya fixed yer posture,” Atsumu declared, hitting Suna in the face with his sweater before pulling it over his head.

“Ya don’t have to go,” Osamu said, clearly trying to make sure that Atsumu wasn’t going to cry anymore.

“Nah, yer horny and I don’t wanna be around fer that,” he huffed. Osamu didn’t argue, so Atsumu made his way out of the apartment, letting out a deep sigh as he stepped out into the warm morning air and pulled out his cell phone. “Hey, Omi, wanna get breakfast?”

 

The first month of their relationship passed in the blink of an eye. He was surprised at how easily they fit into each other’s lives. “Omi!” Atsumu whined, rolling out of bed at six am, if only because cold feet were pushing him over the edge.

“You promised to make breakfast,” Sakusa reminded him, sitting up slowly. Their physical relationship had gone nowhere in the month that they’d been dating, but Atsumu was okay with that. He didn’t want to pressure his boyfriend into something he wasn’t ready for. Even with Atsumu staying over, he was relegated to his side of the bed and not allowed to cross over to Sakusa’s side. Atsumu agreed easily enough, happy to be in Sakusa’s company with or without the physical touch that he was used to. It still gave him butterflies thinking about waking up in the middle of the night because Sakusa had reached over to his side of the bed and slid their fingers together or tightened his fist in the back of his shirt.

He had tried to argue at first, bringing up the fact that they had, in fact, cuddled before. Sakusa blamed it on the hangover and the alcohol that suppressed his fear of contamination. He also confessed that the showers he had taken after had been scalding. After that, Atsumu didn’t push it. Sakusa would bridge the gap when he was ready. Atsumu nudged him occasionally, letting Sakusa know that he did want to cuddle, lest Sakusa forget.

Atsumu hummed as he cooked, pleased with the way things were going, even if it would seem like a snail’s pace to anyone else. He served up their plates just in time for Sakusa to emerge from the bedroom looking rumpled from sleep. “Do I get a kiss for my efforts?” Atsumu teased, even though they had yet to actually kiss, even though Atsumu was dying too. He loved kissing. It was most of where his bad reputation came from, getting the bad publicity of being a player who took a new girl to bed every week because he liked to get drunk and make out in clubs, at least, before the incident. It had probably been a little more self-destructive than he thought at the time, but it didn’t change the fact that he rarely took people to bed, he just wanted to make out.

“Maybe after we brush our teeth.”

Atsumu’s thoughts came to a screeching halt at that, turning to look at his boyfriend. “I uh, I was just jokin’, I said I’d wait ‘til ya were ready and I meant it.”

Sakusa looked up at him. “I want to,” he promised. “I can’t promise that I will like it very much or want to do it often, but I do want to kiss you.”

“Yer gonna love it,” Atsumu said, grinning as he settled down on the couch next to his boyfriend to enjoy their breakfast.

True to his word, Sakusa forced Atsumu to brush his teeth, then he did. They settled down on the couch facing each other awkwardly. Atsumu was staring at Sakusa’s face and Sakusa was staring at the floor. “Well, get on with it then,” he gritted out.

“Nah,” Atsumu said, deflating, “We can kiss another time.”

Sakusa frowned and grabbed Atsumu’s elbow. “You don’t want to?” He asked, the most adorable pout on his face.

Atsumu swallowed. “No, I definitely do…” He started, “But how am I supposed t’believe that ya wanna when ya can’t look at me?”

Sakusa raised his gaze to meet Atsumu’s. “I’m just, I’m sorry. I started overthinking it,” he confessed. “Like, what if I’m terrible at this and you never want to kiss me again? Or what if I don’t like it and you break up with me because I don’t want to kiss you, or what do I do with my hands?” He huffed. “Or what if I accidentally bite you and give you a fat lip?”

Atsumu couldn’t help but chuckle. “Yer incredible.” He laughed, a smile tugging up lopsided. “I like ya so much.”

Sakusa flushed and played with his fingers in his lap.

“Okay, so. If you’re terrible, that’s not gonna make me not want t’kiss ya, it just means I’ll have to teach ya. No biggie. I was terrible at kissing at one point too.” He laughed. “Um, if ya don’t like it, well that would suck, but I wouldn’t break up with ya over it. Yer hands, well, I don’t care what ya do with ‘em,” he said. “I know ya ain’t super comfortable with touchin’, but you could loop them around my neck, or put them on my shoulders, or my waist. Ya could keep them in yer lap too.” He grinned at him. “And well, if ya bite me and give me a fat lip, then won’t it jus’ match my fat ego?” He asked, making a dig at his own expense in an effort of getting Sakusa calm and comfortable. “But ya don’t even need yer teeth, so, just follow my lead. I won’t make fun of ya,” he promised.

With a tiny nod from Sakusa, Atsumu reached up to cup his face in one large palm. “This okay?”

“Yeah.”

Atsumu nodded and used the hand on Sakusa’s face to guide him closer until their lips were just a breath away from one another. “Good?”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

Wasting no more time, Atsumu pressed his lips against Sakusa’s, feeling him tense up. He gently guided Sakusa’s lips with his own, but he kept it light. He didn’t introduce tongue or teeth, not wanting to scare him off. It was nothing more than a soft press of lips with slight movement to make it pleasurable. He was about to pull back when Sakusa’s hands found their way to his neck and he scooted infinitesimally closer to him. It was endearing and heartwarming. Atsumu had never been under the impression that his feelings for Sakusa were lukewarm, but the sudden heat he felt in his belly made him gasp and he broke the kiss.

Sakusa looked a little dazed as he gazed at Atsumu’s slightly slick lips, the type of kissing they had been doing wasn’t exactly the kind that got each other’s lips all that wet. “Why’d you stop?” He asked. There was a flush across Sakusa’s cheeks that made Atsumu’s heart thud loudly against his ribcage.

“I wanted ta make sure you were comfortable,” he lied. After a second, he felt bad about lying though, “Okay, I lied.”

“I know. I could tell.”

“I just got really horny.” He laughed. “But that’s okay, ‘cause I’m never gonna force ya,” he mumbled, “Can I kiss ya again?”

“Yeah,” Sakusa said, a little breathless already.

As it turned out, with a little instruction, Sakusa was a pretty good kisser. Or at least, a quick learner. When Atsumu walked home that evening, he was surprised to see that his lips were a little swollen, he pressed his fingers against them and grinned. Sakusa, as it turned out, really liked kissing.

 

 

With the start of a new season came new additions to their team, but luckily, there were no changes to the starting lineup. “Omi-kun!” Atsumu practically sang. “Let’s karaoke with the team,” he said, grinning from ear to ear.

“No thank you.”

“Omi!”

Sakusa sighed, pulling his mask over his face. “Why?”

“There are new members, we have to get to know them.”

“Why karaoke?”

“Because it’s fun . Sorry if that’s not somethin’ yer used to havin’.”

Sakusa pouted at the dig, but he knew that Atsumu was just joking, otherwise, he would be admitting that he was no fun to be around, and any person with an ego like Atsumu’s would never admit that. “Will there be alcohol?”

“Dunno. Do you want there to be?”

“Yes.”

Atsumu grinned, crowding closer and dropping his voice some. “Gonna get drunk and make out with me?”

Sakusa rolled his eyes and pushed on Atsumu’s chest. “Not in the karaoke bar I’m not.”

That wasn’t a no. Atsumu fist-pumped. “We goin’ somewhere with alcohol?” Atsumu yelled to Bokuto, who was planning the outing.

“Sure!” Bokuto cheered, already pulling his phone out to look up a good place.

“Don’t make me regret this,” Sakusa warned.

“Too late.” Atsumu grinned.

Sakusa sighed, agreeing. He did already regret it.

He hadn’t learned his lesson from the last time he went drinking with the MSBY crew. He always was fine in Osamu’s restaurant, limiting himself to a beer or two, but this was hard liquor and he never knew his tolerance. “Omi-san, it’s your turn!” Hinata urged, shoving the microphone in his direction.

“Get that filthy thing out of my face,” He hissed, pushing himself back on the seat. He was only two drinks in, but he could already feel the flush on his face.

“Gimme it, I’ll disinfect it,” Atsumu said, taking the microphone from Hinata and wiping it down with one of the wipes that Sakusa kept in his gym bag. “Come on Omi,” he said, wrapping his arm around his waist and dragging him to the stage with him.

“Don’t want to.” Sakusa pouted, staring at the newly cleaned microphone and missing the presence of Atsumu’s arm around his waist. He watched the screen as Hinata flipped through songs.

“This one!” Atsumu cheered.

Sakusa recognized it. It was on Atsumu’s pop music playlist that they listened to while they cleaned. He knew the words and had fond memories of dancing with Atsumu in the kitchen to it, both of them making fun of each other for their horrible dancing.

Atsumu nudged him. “Okay, Omi?”

“Well I guess I don’t have a choice,” he grumbled, getting whoops and hollers from the other drunk, or on their way to drunk, volleyball players.

The whole song was a fiasco, mostly because the players for MSBY found out very quickly that Atsumu was actually great at singing, and that Sakusa was tone-deaf.

The party only lasted a few hours and while Sakusa didn’t get as drunk as he had last time, he had a funny gait and his hands were wandering. “Omi,” Atsumu whined. “We gotta go home first.” He laughed, pushing Sakusa’s hand away from his thighs for what felt like the 100 th time that night.

Atsumu, as much as he trusted Sakusa to not take things too far, even drunk as he was, he was still hesitant to drink too much. He never wanted to feel as out of control of his own body as he had the night that he was sexually assaulted, so he had his two beers and stopped. Just slightly tipsy was where he wanted to be. “Then let's go home,” Sakusa muttered, “I want to kiss you.”

He couldn’t help but laugh. He pulled Sakusa up to standing, watched him sway once, and then steadied himself. “We’re gonna head out guys,” Atsumu said. “I live near Omi, so I’ll make sure he gets home.”

“Thanks! Have a great night!” Hinata cheered.

 

“We can make out now?” Sakusa asked.

“Does it look like we’re home?” He asked, gesturing to the sidewalks and the buildings that they were passing as they ambled on toward Sakusa’s apartment.

Sakusa pouted. “No.”

When they finally did get home, Sakusa crowded Atsumu up against the door, taking advantage of his whole two inches in height difference. “Kiss me.”

“Brush your teeth.”

Sakusa seemed surprised by that, like he forgot that was something that they always did before kissing.

“We can get ready for bed, then make out and fall asleep,” Atsumu promised, guiding Sakusa toward the bathroom.

After they had both brushed their teeth and gotten dressed for bed, or undressed in Atsumu’s case since he usually just slept in his boxer briefs, they crawled into bed, Sakusa forwent his usual burrito-ing for the time being. He always did when he was drunk. “We can kiss now?”

“Yeah,” Atsumu huffed, “We can kiss now.”

Atsumu isn’t sure how long they kissed, their lips meeting over and over again. Still, even this far into their relationship, they didn’t bother with teeth or tongue. Sakusa had tried it once, but the second his tongue touched Atsumu’s tongue he had recoiled. He complained that it felt weird. Atsumu shrugged and kept his tongue to himself after that.

“Omi, ya wanna kiss or sleep, you gotta choose one.”

Sakusa whined, but he opened his eyes and gazed up at Atsumu. “Kiss.”

Atsumu laughed. He was surprised at how bold Sakusa was when he was drunk. He wasn’t the type to petulantly demand to be kissed when they were sober, that was more Atsumu’s style. “How about sleep? You can kiss me in the morning.”

Sakusa pouted, but he flopped down on Atsumu’s chest. He was out in minutes.

 

Atsumu whined low in his throat when cold toes pressed against his calves, it was enough to wake him up and feel the shuffling from Sakusa’s side of the bed. “Omi?” He whispered.

‘’M cold,” Sakusa whined, despite the fact that it was August and therefore, hot as Hades outside. He was tangled in the blanket. He kept wiggling and somehow, in his wiggling, the blanket had ridden up and exposed his toes.

“Alright, Omi.” He huffed, rolling over and untangling his boyfriend from the sheets. He made sure the blanket covered Sakusa’s toes before tugging Sakusa close to him. He was still burdened by the feeling of Sakusa’s cold toes against his shins, but he knew that they would warm up quickly enough.

“I can hear your heart,” Sakusa mumbled, sounding amazed.

“Yeah, that’s ‘cause yer layin’ on it,” he huffed. Sakusa was clearly still at least a little drunk, but Atsumu was okay with that.

“It’s beating so fast.”

Atsumu smiled, rolling over enough to encircle Sakusa in his arms and squeeze him. “That’s because I’m nervous.”

“Why?” Sakusa asked, tipping his face up and pressing his cold nose against Atsumu’s throat.

“Dunno,” he answered. “We don’t usually cuddle. I’m worried yer gonna wake up and be sober and mad and tell me ya hate it.”

Sakuas hummed against his throat. “I like it.”

“It’s a lot of touchin’.”

“I’m getting used to you.”

Atsumu smiled and pressed his face against the top of Sakusa’s head. “Omi. I think I love ya.” He whispered. When he got no answer, he pulled back enough to see Sakusa’s sleep-slackened face. “Yeah okay, I thought it mightta been too early.” He chuckled.

 

When Sakusa woke up, he was face to face with Atsumu’s chest. His bare chest. He felt his pulse tick up about ten notches. Atsumu’s arm laid heavy across his shoulders and he could feel Atsumu’s breathing on the top of his head. He wanted to feel indignant about the way Atsumu was holding him like he was not a 6’4” ball of muscle himself, but he also kind of liked it, though he did wish Atsumu was wearing a shirt. “Ommii. I can hear ya thinkin’ go back ta sleep.”

Sakusa chuckled and wiggled his way out of Atsumu’s hold even though it caused his boyfriend much distress. “No, Omi, come back, we never cuddle in bed,” he whined.

“Shut up,” Sakusa huffed. “I want to shower and brush my teeth.” He paused. “And go for a run.”

“Can I join ya?” Atsumu asked, the sleazy smile on his face told Sakusa that he didn’t mean for the run.

“If you can keep your hands to yourself. It wouldn’t be the first time we showered together.”

Atsumu suddenly looked ten times more awake than he had seconds before. “I might get hard.” He blurted out, then closed his eyes in shame.

Sakusa laughed, he couldn’t believe how much happiness Atsumu brought to his life. “Yeah. I might too.” Sakusa stood without any more preamble and made his way to the bathroom to clean up after the night they had. He was a little embarrassed about the way he acted, but at least he could keep his mouth shut when Hinata asked him personal questions in the drinking game and he could remember the whole evening.

Atsumu blinked at the now empty bed for another moment before launching himself off the bed and into the bathroom, already half-hard despite his lack of desire for sex. “I’ll behave.” He promised, stripping down and stepping into the stream of hot water behind Sakusa.

Sakusa wasn’t all that surprised that Atsumu did behave himself. He kissed his shoulders a couple of times and offered to wash his hair, but he didn’t step outside of Sakusa’s comfort zone. How much of that was because Atsumu didn’t want to have sex yet either, he didn’t know, but he was willing to bet that more of it was because Atsumu was just considerate.

 

“So… you’re not fucking?” Komori asked, sipping at his iced coffee and completely oblivious to the fact that there were people around who could hear them.

Sakusa closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “No.”

“But you make out and shower together and… stop there?”

“Not everything is about sex Motoya,” Sakusa snapped.

Komori’s eyes widened and he held his hands up, “Geez sorry. Just, it isn’t how I live,” he said with a shrug.

Sakusa knew that. He knew he shouldn’t be on Komori’s case, but Komori also shouldn’t be judging him when he was the one plying for details about his and Atsumu’s relationship. “Are you like this with all your friends?” He asked.

“I know every gritty detail of Suna and Osamu’s sex life,” he said. It was all the confirmation that Sakusa needed, but of course, his cousin didn’t stop there. “So much in fact that I’m pretty confident that if I were somehow to end up in Suna’s body that I would be able to fuck Osamu and he wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.”

“Confident.”

“His prostate is at 2 o’clock.”

Sakusa choked on his drink. “What the fuck?”

Komori made a gesture with two fingers, crooking them at a slight angle. “2 o’clock… if it’s missionary anyway,” he shrugged.

“Why?” Sakusa asked. “Why does he tell you these things?”

Komori grinned. “Because I am the best best friend in the world,” he said haughtily. “And I’ve had a lot of sex, so like, I can give tips.”

“You’re straight.” Sure, Komori joked a lot about having sex with men, but as far as Sakusa knew, he hadn’t actually had sex with any men. He did like to talk about how attractive some men (Suna) were, but he was nearly always joking. Or played it off like a joke. Sakusa had asked him before if he was bi, since that would make sense, but he always steadfastly denied it saying that he was straight.

“Straight guys can have anal sex too.”

Sakusa sighed and took another long sip of his drink.

“Oh, and I’m officially bi.”

“Oh, officially? I didn’t know you were unofficially bi you always told me you were ‘completely and totally 100% straight’,” he quoted.

Komori shrugged. “I wasn’t sure if I thought guys were hot objectively or because I wanted to fuck them. Finally plucked up the courage and fucked one. It was nice. Gotta say, knowing everything about Suna’s sex life made my first experience with a man interesting. A good interesting.”

While Sakusa was glad that the focus was no longer on his own sex life, he didn’t want to hear about his cousin’s sex life either. “Can we please talk about something else? Anything else? I will literally pay you to change the topic.”

“Have you told your mom you’re dating someone?”

“Pass.”

“Kiyoomi.”

“No.” Sakusa sighed. “It’s none of her business.”

“It will be when she inevitably sends you to another marriage interview.” Komori pointed out. “Mom said she was looking for girls in the Osaka area.”

Sakusa whined and pulled out his phone, “Do you think a text will suffice.” The flat look on Komori’s face told him all the answers he needed. “I’ll call her later,” he said, “Maybe I’ll just tell her when she calls me because she set something up.”

“You know that you won’t be able to get out of going if she sets it up.”

“Yeah, I know.” He said.

 

“Oof.” Atsumu looked down from the magazine he was reading to the man who had unceremoniously draped himself across his midsection on the bed. “Whatya doing Omi-Omi?”

“Reenergizing.”

Atsumu laughed and threaded his fingers through Sakusa’s hair. “Yeah? Was Komori that bad?”

“I now know things about your brother’s sex life that I could have happily gone my entire life being ignorant of.”

“’Samu’s?” He asked, confusion coloring his tone. “But… Komori’s never slept with my brother.”

“Nope, but he is Suna’s teammate.” Atsumu laughed at that, falling silent as he went back to reading his magazine. Sakusa didn’t mind though, just shuffled around until he was comfortably cuddled up to Atsumu.

 

“Omi.” Atsumu whispered, “Babe, it’s dinner time.”

Sakusa squinted his eyes open and realized that he was still lying on Atsumu’s stomach, but that he now had a blanket tossed over his shoulders. He turned his face and nuzzled into Atsumu’s gut, willing himself to fall back asleep.

‘Oh, Jesus Omi, don’t do that,” Atsumu said, scooping his head up. “I gotta piss so bad.” He laughed, slipping out of the bed and making his way towards the bathroom. “But wake up! Food!”

Sakusa grumbled and curled up tighter on the bed, dozing until Atsumu woke him again, this time wearing a very nice suit. “Is this a dream?” Sakusa muttered, only to flush with embarrassment at the dopey grin on Atsumu’s face. “A nightmare more like it.”

“Nice recovery,” Atsumu teased. “Come on, get up and get dressed.”

“Where are we going?”

“Some place nice. Picked it out just fer you.”

Sakusa sulked but got out of his cocoon of blankets and made his way to the bathroom to shower. It was kind of funny to him how much he used to hate going out to eat before he met Atsumu. He still preferred to cook his own food, but Atsumu did a good job of redirecting his thoughts or squandering them all together. He only brought him to places that were clean and had good food. Sakusa sometimes forgot that he came to Osaka four years after Atsumu had.

Sakusa frowned at his closet and tried to find something that he hadn’t worn to an MSBY panel already. “I literally don’t care if ya’ve worn it before.”

“I do .”

Atsumu huffed but he parked his butt on the bed and waited for Sakusa to get dressed. “Come ‘ere,” he mumbled, watching Sakusa tie his tie with quick and efficient movements. “Yer much better at that than I was.” He chuckled, his hands coming to rest on Sakusa’s hips as he stepped up to the bed. “’Samu had to tie mine for me for the first MSBY panel,” he confessed, “But he didn’t know how either so we were watching YouTube videos and struggling. Foster redid it for me before we went out.” He laughed.

“You’re lucky you’re cute.” Sakusa said, chuckling, “Because you’re kind of dumb.”

“Rude!” Atsumu huffed. “I deserve a kiss as compensation for that sick dig .”

“You are the most embarrassing,” Sakusa complained, but he indulged Atsumu anyway, kissing him and tasting the mint on his breath. He was happy like this. He knew his cousin didn’t fully understand how he and Atsumu could have a full and happy relationship without sex, but that was okay because Komori wasn’t the one in the relationship.

Chapter 7: Chapter Seven

“I think we should come out to the team,” Atsumu said slowly like he was scared he would frighten Sakusa away. “Jus’ the team.”

Sakusa stiffened from where he was sitting on the other end of the couch. “Do we have to?”

Atsumu huffed a little laugh. “Of course we don’t hav’ta, but I think it’d be nice. Ain’t like half of ‘em gay or bi or pan or whatever anyway. Not sure any of them are actually straight.”

“Foster is married with kids,” Sakusa pointed out, instead of confronting the question.

“Don’t mean he’s straight.” Atsumu laughed. “Come on Omi. These guys are some of our best friends.”

After a long, long pause, Sakusa finally relented. “Fine,” Sakusa said. “But, can we wait just another month or so?” He asked.

Atsumu blinked. “Uh, sure, but why a month?”

“I want to mentally prepare myself for all the shit-talking.”

“Okay. Fair.” Atsumu chucked, moving to curl up closer to Sakusa, leaning his head on his shoulder and looking at the computer screen. “Whatchya doing Omi?”

“Paying bills.”

“Riveting.”

Sakusa chuckled and kissed the top of Atsumu’s head. “I can show you how.”

“Rude, I’ve been paying my own bills longer than you have.” He huffed, blowing a raspberry against Sakusa’s neck and laughing harder when he got decked for it, the fact that the hit wasn’t that hard and that Sakusa was grinning too meant that he got away with it. “Omi no,” Atsumu whined, watching his boyfriend stand, displacing Atsumu and making him fall over, although Atsumu made it way more dramatic than it was.

“We have practice. Get up.”

Atsumu grinned at the ceiling and waited for the sound of the shower to start before actually picking himself up off the couch.

 

 

 “You don’t ever think about sucking his dick?”

“Why are you like this?” Sakusa asked, once again out for coffee with his cousin, though this time they were shopping for a birthday present for Atsumu.

Komori shrugged. “I’ve thought about it and I thought I was straight up until last month.”

“That’s because you’re…” Sakusa paused for dramatic effect, “a whore.”

“Ouch. Low blow,” Komori said, though he seemed unaffected. “Never been called that before,” he said with an eye roll. “Look, I get that you said you’re good without sex, but you’re not asexual, right?”

“No,” Sakusa admitted reluctantly, things would probably be easier if that were the case. “But I’m just not ready.”

“Alright, alright,” Komori said. “You should buy condoms just in case though. Would suck if you were suddenly in the mood and then couldn’t do it because you didn’t have protection.”

Sakusa rolled his eyes but dutifully grabbed the condoms from the rack, giving Komori a healthy side-eye when he grabbed three boxes for himself. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who fucks more than you do.”

“It’s healthy ,” Komori said, walking up to the salesperson and sliding the three boxes across to check out. “Someday I’ll settle down, but for now I want to live it up.”

“You just don’t look like the kind of guy with the… sexual appetite that you have.”

“I hate how you just said that,” Komori said, taking back the extra money from the cashier.

“Yeah. Me too.” He admitted, sliding his own box of condoms across the counter.

The cashier looked at them and then looked at Sakusa, “Did you look at the size when you picked these up?” She asked. “These are- never mind.”

“There are sizes?” He asked, bewildered. Komori reached to look at the box that Sakusa had grabbed and doubled over laughing.

“I’ll take that as a compliment for him.” Komori chuckled, holding up the box that clearly says snug on the corner.

“Oh,” Sakusa said. “Well, I don’t know what size I need. Is snug not good?”

“Snug is not your size,” Komori said confidently. “Hold on,” he said to the cashier, going back to the rack and reading over the sizes carefully.

While Komori was trying to decide what size condom Sakusa needed, somehow, without ever having seen Sakusa hard, Sakusa grabbed Komori’s condoms off the counter and read the back. He had grabbed three different brands. One was ‘super-thin’, one was ‘ribbed for her pleasure’, and one was ‘chocolate flavored’. Gross. “I really don’t need them,” Sakusa said, but it was too late and Komori was back with a box of condoms. “What did you decide on?”

“Larger fit,” he said. “You know how to put it on?”

Sakusa shook his head. “No, but like I said, I won’t be nee-.”

“I’m sure Atsumu knows. Come on, pay the cashier.”

“I am so sorry that you have to deal with this,” Sakusa said, handing her his credit card.

“ID?” She asked.

He forked over his ID and instantly regretted it as he watched her perfectly shaped eyebrow lift, “Sakusa Kiyoomi… like the outside hitter for the MSBY Black Jackals?”

“Would you believe me if I said no?”

“No,” She said, but she smiled. “Atsumu, huh? I’d like him to crush my head with his thighs.” She remarked casually as she finished ringing him out.

“I’d like this conversation to end,” he groaned.

 

“You’re lucky that she was a fan who could be bribed easily,” Sakusa said, tapping his fingers impatiently on the table while he waited for their food.

“Here’s hoping that she actually keeps her mouth shut.” Komori laughed. “But hey, at least she didn’t look at you and think you had a small dick.”

“I don’t care if she did or didn’t, but why didn’t you tell me there were sizes? I thought they were like, one size fits all.”

“I know you’re a virgin, but like, you’ve thought about sex before, I’m surprised you haven’t done your research.” He huffed, “You fucking love research.”

“But why would I research condom sizes? I don’t need condoms.”

Komori waved him off and grabbed their food from the cashier when his name was called. “You will eventually,” he said. “Even if it ends up being ten years from now.”

“These will be useless at that point,” he said. “They expire in two years.”

“Really?” Komori asked, grabbing the box. “Damn, they’ve been sitting on the shelf for like a year then,” he said. “Or they were manufactured a year ago, I should say.”

Sakusa took a deep breath and rolled his eyes. “I want to go home.”

“You haven’t bought Atsumu’s birthday gift yet.”

Sakusa stopped, looking into a fabric store. “What if I make him something?”

 

“Omi?” Sakusa looked up from the nature documentary he was watching and his face turned a brilliant shade of pink when he saw what Atsumu was holding. “Why do ya have condoms?” He asked. He didn’t seem bent about it, mostly just curious.

“Ah.” Sakusa started, cleared his throat, and started again. “Well, Motoya made me buy them the last time we went shopping together.” He said, putting down the needles and the ball of yarn he was working with.

Atsumu nodded and looked at the condoms again. “Larger, huh?” He smirked. “Optimistic.”

“Well, to be fair I was going to… buy… snug. What?”

“I said, that’s pretty optimistic of ya,” Atsumu said, moving closer to Sakusa, like he was prey, about to be devoured, but he stopped as he processed Sakusa’s words. “Snug?” He huffed. “I’ve seen your dick, it’s not snug.”

“I didn’t know condoms had sizes,” He admitted. “So since he was being an asshole about it, I just grabbed a box. But he said we had the ‘grower, not shower’ gene. Which is ridiculous because we’re related through our mothers.”

Atsumu laughed, tossing the condoms down. It was clear that Sakusa hadn’t purchased them with the intent to use them just yet anyway. “You didn’t know they had sizes?” He asked. “They’re a glove fer yer dick. Gloves fer yer hands come in different sizes.”

“I- I didn’t think about it that way.”

“Yer lucky yer cute,” Atsumu said, grinning, quoting something Sakusa loved to say, “Because yer kinda dumb.” He laughed, pressing a kiss to Sakusa’s lips.

 

“Whatdya want scrub?” Osamu asked. “We’re closed. I ain’t making ya food.”

“I’m just hanin’ out.” He grumbled. “It’s our birthday tomorrow ya know. You should be nicer ta me.”

“Shouldn’t you be with yer boyfriend, since it’s yer birthday tomorrow. I know I was planning on spendin’ the night with Rin,” he said, rolling his eyes.

Atsumu tapped his foot. “Omi’s havin’ a bad day,” he said, “I’m givin’ him some space.”

“Took him this long to need space?”

Atsumu stuck his tongue out childishly. “I don’t always come here when Omi needs space. I do my own shit too,” he said. “But, like I said, birthdays.” He slid a decent-sized box across the counter. “I will be with Omi tomorrow, so I’m bringin’ this tonight.” However, since they had plans to see each other the next day, it didn’t make that much of a difference which day he opened the gift.

Osamu raised a brow at the gift box. “Want me to open it now?”

“Sure.”

Osamu grabbed a knife off the counter to carefully cut the taped pieces, unfolding the wrapping paper with more care than was probably necessary, but it was the polite thing to do, even if he was very rarely polite to his brother. “Oh shit,” Osamu breathed. “Fuck, ‘Tsumu,” he mumbled running his fingers over the image on the front of the cardboard box. This knife set’s like…” He trailed off, his eyes welling with tears. “Ya gotta send this back,” he whispered.

“I know how much it cost,” he said, pushing the box closer to his twin. “Ya were complain’ ya needed new knives.”

“I didn’t expect ya to drop 200,000 yen on a set!” He shouted, his eyes watering.

Atsumu couldn’t help but laugh at his twin. He huffed and moved around the counter to hug him.

“Uh… what happened?”

Atsumu looked up to see Suna standing halfway through the door between the apartment and the store, stock still as he processed the fact that his boyfriend was not just crying into his brother’s arms, but full-on sobbing. “I got ‘im a knife set,” Atsumu answered.

“It’s too much!” Osamu yelled, punching Atsumu’s back since Atsumu wouldn’t let go of his shoulders so he could punch him in the face.

Suna stepped over and looked at the knife set. “Damn. Those are like, top of the line. How long did you have to save up to get those?”

“A while,” Atsumu admitted. “But I took on a few promotional sponsors and that helped.” He said. Osamu had calmed down somewhat in his arms, reduced to sniffling and clinging to Atsumu’s shirt.

“Yer an asshole,” Osamu muttered. “My gift is terrible.”

Atsumu laughed. “I’m sure it is; because yer a terrible twin.”

Suna rolled his eyes and peeled Osamu off Atsumu. He was going to try and bring him upstairs, but Osamu reached for the knives again. “I don’t even know if I’ll be able to use them,” he sighed.

“Ya fucking better!” Atsumu yelled, “I didn’t spend three months’ worth of rent so ya could not use ‘em!” That was only effective in making Osamu cry again. Atsumu rolled his eyes and unboxed the knives. He fearlessly handed one to Osamu, who held it like it was the most amazing thing in the world. Atsumu grabbed an onion and a cutting board as well. “Cut,” he demanded.

Osamu did, and then he cried more because the knives were so perfect.

Eventually, Osamu calmed down, washing the knives and setting them out to dry. “My gift is so lame in comparison to that,” he complained, leading the march up to his and Suna’s apartment.

“Well obviously. I had ta prove I’m the better twin.”

Osamu’s lip wobbled dangerously. “Yer the best twin.”

Atsumu’s eyes widened, “Holy shit, did anyone catch that on tape? I need it as my new ringtone.” He laughed, pulling Osamu’s nose. “Quit being a sap, it doesn’t suit ya.”

Osamu swatted at Atsumu’s hand and turned his back to his brother to grab the gift he had wrapped up for him. “Here.”

Atsumu grinned and carefully unwrapped the box. It was roughly the same size as the knife set’s box. Atsumu gasped. “You bastard!” He shouted, tossing the wrapping paper at him. “Can’t believe you thought this was lame.” He laughed, looking at the brand-new camera. “Gonna have ta get Omi to go hiking with me so I can use this bad boy.” He grinned. Maybe Osamu thought it would be lame because it wasn’t the highest quality or the top of the line, but it was the brand Atsumu loved and trusted and it was something that he wouldn’t have bought for himself, despite his love for immortalizing moments with film. “Thanks ‘Samu,” he mumbled.

“Alright, get out, it’s time for me to give your brother his birthday present, and you do not want to be around for that,” Suna said, grinning.

“Ya nasty,” Atsumu said laughing. “Yer still coming over tomorrow right?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

Atsumu nodded and made his way back out into the cool air of an October night, a smile on his face all the way home.

 

“Omi?” Atsumu called, cracking open the door to Sakusa’s apartment just a crack. “Are ya home?” They had plans, but they never solidified a time.

“Bedroom!”

Atsumu stepped fully inside and locked the door, kicking his shoes off and making his way to the bedroom. “Wow, what’s this?” He asked, running his fingers over the light blue fabric lying across Sakusa’s lap. “Is this the same thing you were workin’ on the other day?”

“Yeah,” Sakusa answered. “It’s not done yet though. I have a few more rows.”

“Oh, okay,” Atsumu said, moving to sit in the chair near the bookcase.

“Happy birthday,” Sakusa hummed.

Atsumu grinned. “Ya remembered?”

Sakusa rolled his eyes. “Of course I did. This is actually for you. I was hoping to have it finished earlier, but I’ve been a bit… distracted.”

Atsumu smirked, leaning forward in the chair. “Oh yeah? What’s been distractin’ ya?”

“Some pest, it’s fine though, I like him.” Sakusa huffed, smirking fondly at the soft material in his hands, “Sorry it’s not much. I wasn’t sure what you wanted. Even though I’ve known you for a good chunk of my life, I didn’t know you -“

Atsumu cut him off with a kiss on his forehead, “It’s perfect Omi. I’m gonna wear it every day.” He promised. “Are ya feelin’ better today?”

“Well I just let you kiss my forehead, so I think that answers your question,” he mumbled, his face slightly red. Atsumu was very giving with his affection and despite the months they had been together, Sakusa had yet to get fully used to it. His family wasn’t like that after all. “Did you visit your brother yesterday?” He asked.

“Mhmm.” Atsumu sat on the bed now, running his fingers over the end of the scarf that Sakusa was working on, making sure not to tug lest he get yelled at for making Sakusa make a mistake. “He cried. I cried. It was a mess.”

“Did you get into a fight?”

“No, yeah. Kinda?” Atsumu huffed. “I bought ‘Samu these crazy expensive kitchen knives because he’s been bitchin’ that the knives he had were shit and that they didn’t last as long as he had hoped they would. But he was pissed because he knew what knives they were an’ he knew how much I shelled out for ‘em. So he punched me.” Atsumu laughed. “But he bought me a camera, so like, we’re even.”

Sakusa looked up at that. “Do you… like photography?” He asked. He knew Atsumu had a lot of photos, especially on his phone. Somewhere in the range of 7 or 8 thousand of them. He also had a lot of framed photos back at his home, but Sakusa never assumed that Atsumu was the guy who took those.

“Yeah,” Atsumu said. “I like to go on long hikes, helps clear my head when I have shit goin’ on. The scenery is always so pretty though and I always end up taking twice as long because I just gotta stop and take photos.”

“We should go hiking then,” Sakusa said. “I like hiking.”

Atsumu supposed he shouldn’t be surprised that Sakusa liked hiking. He liked a lot of things that Atsumu never would have guessed before they started dating. Even when they were getting to know each other for the two years after Sakusa joined the team a lot of things hadn’t come up.

“Yeah. Okay,” Atsumu said with a grin.

Eventually, Atsumu moved to lay more fully on the bed, talking quietly with Sakusa while he finished up the scarf. When it was finally done, Sakusa sighed. He put his needles and his yarn to the side before draping the scarf over his boyfriend’s face. “Done.”

Atsumu sat up, taking the soft scarf in his hands and looking at it. It was a little more complex than Atsumu had initially assumed and there was green interwoven into the scarf. “It’s beautiful Omi,” Atsumu muttered, wrapping the bulky scarf around his neck. “So soft. So warm,” Atsumu mumbled, burying his face in the fabric until just his eyes peeked out from the top, blinking at Sakusa and making him laugh. “Ya know what else I want fer my birthday?” He asked, pulling the scarf off and setting it aside.

“What?”

“Can we kiss?”

Sakusa tilted his head in confusion, “Of course.”

“I- I wanna try with tongue again.” He felt like a teenager saying that, but he knew it was important to tell his boyfriend that he would be trying to stick his tongue in his mouth before actually doing it.

Sakusa frowned and opened his mouth to say no. “We can give it another shot.”

Atsumu fist-pumped and immediately was in Sakusa’s space, crowding him up against the headboard with one thigh on either side of Sakusa’s hips. “I love kissin’ ya,” he mumbled, leaning in.

Sakusa nervously licked his lips, but he leaned forward to kiss Atsumu all the same. He had been surprised by how heated kissing could get even without the French part. He may not have enjoyed a tongue inside his mouth, but he didn’t mind when Atsumu would run his tongue along his bottom lip, or tug his bottom lip with his teeth. It never failed to leave him breathless and wanting more. It was still weird to feel Atsumu’s tongue touch his own, and he immediately recoiled a little bit, but Atsumu held firm. He kept Sakusa in place with a firm grip on the back of his neck.

He was only mildly mortified when he moaned into the kiss, but it was overpowered by the way Atsumu reacted, sucking in a deep breath through his nose and kissing him harder. “Fuck Omi.” He groaned against Sakusa’s lips. Sakusa tentatively sucked Atsumu’s bottom lip into his mouth, letting it go with a soft snap before licking over the plush flesh as an apology. “Omi, Omi, Omi.” Atsumu moaned into the kiss, his hips seemed to have a mind of their own.

The kiss ended rather abruptly when Atsumu jerked back, an apology on his tongue as he tripped over himself to get to the bathroom. With a sigh, Sakusa forced himself out of the bed to follow. “Atsumu?”

Atsumu was looking in the mirror with water, presumably cold, dripping from his chin. “Sorry, Omi. I got a little carried away,” he said. His face was flushed and the back of his hair was mused from Sakusa’s fingers.

“Atsumu,” Sakusa said again, waiting for his boyfriend to meet his eye in the mirror before running a hand down his back in a soothing gesture. “I know I’m a virgin, but I’m also an adult. If you do something wrong I won’t hesitate to tell you,” he said.

Atsumu knew that to be true, even when he thought he was being helpful by helping Sakusa clean or by holding doors for him, Sakusa had to sit down and tell Atsumu that OCD wasn’t a condition that could be babied. By having Atsumu do these things for him it wasn’t helping Sakusa get better and it could, in fact, lead to a reliance upon Atsumu to do these things and take back his years of exposure therapy. That had been a hard conversation because Atsumu hated to see Sakusa freaking out about germs and contamination. He would have to trust him that he knew his boundaries when it came to sex as well. “I- sorry. I just, I did get carried away though. We haven’t talked about this yet. I basically humped you in bed without your consent.”

Sakusa hummed, wondering if that was the sexual assault talking. “It wasn’t without my consent. I have the strength and wherewithal to push you away,” he said. “We aren’t drunk and you aren’t drugging me. I invited you into my apartment and my bed willingly. I was hard too.” He mumbled, kissing Atsumu’s shoulder. He was shaking, it was minute, but Sakusa could feel it reverberate through his hand. “If you, on the other hand, need to take a step back for yourself that’s fine too.”

Atsumu nodded and wiped his face with a towel. “I just… got a little too in my head about it.” He huffed. “I uh.” He rubbed his face with his hand, “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Sakusa said. “I appreciate that you care enough to stop,” he said. “But I mean.” He scratched his nose, flushing, “We were clothed, which uh, helps me not think about contamination I suppose.” He laughed.

“Oh,” Atsumu said. “So. I guess that’s something I can keep in mind.”

Sakusa nodded and stepped back. “Lunch?”

“Yeah, I’m starving!”

 

Throughout the rest of the afternoon, Atsumu calmed down about what had transpired. By the time they were setting the last dish on the counter of Atsumu’s apartment, Atsumu was back to his normal self. “’Samu’s late.” Atsumu pouted.

Sakusa rolled his eyes. “He’s not early,” Sakusa said, “But he isn’t late yet. You said dinner was at 6. It’s 5:50.” He pointed out, wrapping his arms around Atsumu’s waist and propping his chin up on Atsumu’s shoulder.

Atsumu huffed, but he tugged Sakusa closer and hit play on his playlist. “Dance with me?”

“Sure,” Sakusa said.

It wasn’t really dancing. More like swaying to a generic beat in the kitchen. Sakusa was bad at dancing. Well, dancing like one would see in the club. He technically knew formal dancing. Atsumu… Sakusa was pretty sure that he could dance but preferred to act silly to make Sakusa feel better about his terrible dancing.

“Hand me your phone.”

Atsumu pulled it out of his pocket and passed it to Sakusa, turning around to face him so he could see what he was doing. “Whatchya doin’?”

“Changing the music,” he answered, putting on something much slower. He pulled back from Atsumu and held out his hand, the other one tucking Atsumu’s phone into his pocket and then settling on Atsumu’s waist. “Follow my lead?”

“Ya gonna teach me to dance?” Atsumu asked, a bit incredulous.

“Waltz,” he answered easily, “1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, 4.” He mumbled, counting his steps slowly until Atsumu got the basic movements down.

 

“Happy Birthday!” Osamu cheered, shoving his brother’s door open with minutes to spare. He was met with the sound of a crash and loud, uninhibited laughing. He poked his head into the kitchen and saw his brother and Sakusa on the floor in a tangle of limbs and laughter. “What happened?”

“I said left ,” Sakusa stressed, his grin the only thing stopping Atsumu from fretting about if he was hurt from the tumble.

“I went left !  Ya meant your left .” He stressed, picking himself up off the floor and then helping Sakusa up. “Hey ‘Samu. Yer late.”

“I’m not late,” Osamu answered. “We’re right on time.”

“So, late.”

Osamu rolled his eyes at his brother. “So, what happened?”

Sakusa brushed the non-existent dirt from his dress slacks. “I was teaching your brother to waltz. It was going well… at first.”

Atsumu huffed. “It’s just a good thing we weren’t wearing shoes. Ya’d be crippled.” Atsumu had stepped on Sakusa’s toes a few times.

“Want to do it again so I can record it?” Suna asked, eyebrow raised.

“Let’s just eat,” Sakusa said, grabbing the dishes and helping Atsumu serve up everyone’s food. “Happy Birthday, Osamu.”

“Thanks.”

The four of them settled on the couch. Well, the couch wasn’t big enough for that, so Sakusa, Osamu, and Suna settled on the couch. Atsumu seated himself on the floor in front of the couch and leaned back, his shoulders sandwiched between Sakusa’s legs. They put on some dumb movie, not paying much attention to it as conversation ran rampant.

It was only an hour or so after Osamu and Suna arrived that Atsumu tilted his head up to say something to his brother and he noticed something. “What the fuck ?!” Atsumu exclaimed, clambering to his knees and grabbing Osamu’s hand. “Is that what I think it is?”

Suna leaned over, like he was seeing the ring for the first time. “Hm, that depends on what you think it is.”

“Are ya engaged ?” Atsumu practically screeched.

“Yeah,” Osamu answered, cool as a cucumber. “Happened last night.”

Atsumu practically threw himself into his brother’s lap, squeezing him tightly. The movement elicited pained groans from both Sakusa and Suna as Atsumu’s knees made room on the couch on either side of his brother’s body, digging painfully into their thighs.

“Got some other news for ya too.” Osamu said, the way his hands went to Atsumu’s back telling him that it probably wasn’t great news. Atsumu pulled back just enough to look at his brother. “I got that property in Tokyo.”

It seemed to take a second before the information registered. “Yer moving?”

Osamu nodded. “Yeah.”

Atsumu’s eyes watered immediately. “Sorry.” He huffed, wiping at them. “I’m happy fer ya, jus’ gonna miss ya,” he said. He looked at Suna. “Ya accept that offer from Tokyo?”

Suna shook his head. “Nah.”

Atsumu frowned. “So… yer not moving together?”

“Not this time,” Osamu said, he patted Atsumu’s thighs, looking up at his brother, trying to read his expression. In all the years he and his brother had spent together, which was…. Oh yeah, all of them, he had never seen that expression. “Whatchya thinkin’ so hard ‘bout?”

“Aren’t ya gonna be lonely?”

Osamu shrugged. “’Course I am. But Rin’ll visit. I’m sure you will too.” Atsumu nodded instantly. “It’s not forever. Rin’s gotta finish out the season though, then he can try and get another offer. It didn’t look like I’d get the space, so Rin turned down the offer. I got the building three days later.”

“When’d ya find out?”

“Two weeks ago.”

Atsumu furrowed his brow. “Ya didn’t tell me?”

“Didn’t… didn’t know how,” Osamu admitted. “Didn’t know if I wanted to without Rin by my side.”

Atsumu surged forward and hugged his brother.

“Yer like a fucking Koala.” Osamu chuckled, but there was no mistaking the wetness in it. Suna and Sakusa made eye contact over their shoulders and gently extracted themselves from the couch, leaving Osamu and Atsumu to cry it out together.

“So… did you propose because of the long distance?” Sakusa asked, packing up the leftovers while Suna grabbed a beer from the fridge.

“Maybe a little,” he admitted. “But Osamu and I have been together for a long time.”

“How long?”

“Since graduation,” Suna said instantly. "Shit hasn’t always been easy, but we’ve never done the long-distance thing. I guess I wanted to prove that I’m committed regardless of whether or not Osamu is in my bed when I go to sleep.”

Sakusa hummed. He couldn’t even imagine. 6 years was a long time. He hoped he’d get there. He helped himself to a beer as well. “Do you think they’ll be okay?”

Suna snorted a laugh, “Yeah. Nothing could permanently tear them apart. Besides, worse case scenario, Tokyo is only a two-hour train ride. It sucks, but it’s not an insurmountable distance.”

“I guess,” Sakusa said. “Think they’re done crying yet?”

“No.” Suna laughed. “How are things with Atsumu?” He asked, more to avoid silence than out of genuine curiosity. If things were that bad, Suna would know.

“Good.” Sakusa answered. “He’s a lot more considerate than I would have thought upon meeting him.”

“Bleeding fucking heart, he is,” Suna said. “He’s probably got sympathy for the worms that get stepped on in rain storms.”

Sakusa couldn’t help but smile at that. Atsumu had a heart of gold and Sakusa, for one, was glad that he was the one who got to date it. Things weren’t perfect. Relationships that were perfect were nothing but lies. Relationships were messy. He and Atsumu were doing good though. He hadn’t lied about that. “Oh. Could you quit sharing details of your sex life with my cousin?”

Suna raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because I never wanted to know where Osamu’s prostate is.”

He snorted again. “Might be good to know. You’re dating his twin.”

“Atsumu and I don’t have sex.”

That seemed to bring Suna up short. He was silent for a second. “Even after all these months?”

“Is that so fucking weird?” Sakusa asked defensively, causing Suna to raise his hands in a placating gesture.

“Sorry,” he said. “Just surprised me. Are you… ace?” He asked. He knew Atsumu wasn’t. He supposed that the trauma could be holding him back though.

“No,” Sakusa huffed, running his fingers through his hair. “I- It’s gross, isn’t it? Messy.”

Suna blinked. “Well sure,” he acquiesced. “But it’s fun. It feels good. It’s intimate.” He shrugged. “Messes can be cleaned up.”

That caused Sakusa to pause. Of course, messes could be cleaned up. Was it that simple? He opened his mouth to respond and was interrupted by Atsumu. His eyes were red-rimmed and he threw himself into Sakusa’s arms. “’Samu’s bullyin’ me!”

“You probably deserve it,” Sakusa replied instantly, pushing the conversation with Suna out of his mind for then.

 

“Atsumu.”

Atsumu looked up from the TV screen and at his boyfriend, who was standing by the arm rest that Atsumu had his feet propped up on. “Yeah?” He asked, pausing the game he was playing.

“Let’s go on a date.”

A smile slowly spread across Atsumu’s face and he tossed the controller on the table. “Where we goin?”

Sakusa hummed. “Well, I think that movie just came out, the one based on that anime you like.”

Atsumu nodded. “Yeah. Movies sound good.”

“Then, well, there is a nice restaurant a few blocks down from there.”

“You don’t like eatin’ out.”

“I don’t like a lot of things. It’s fine. They have good reviews for cleanliness.” Atsumu couldn’t help but smile at that, because of course Sakusa had checked. “And then I wanted to go to the bookstore.” He finished.

“That sounds great. Yer a master date planner.”

“Don’t make fun of me. And dress decent.”

“I always dress nice when we go out. I gotta impress ya after all.”

“Get out.”

Atsumu laughed. He grabbed the controller to shut the game down before standing up and walking over to his pouty boyfriend. “What’s wrong?”

Sakusa sighed, melting into Atsumu’s embrace, “You always plan when we go out. It doesn’t feel like you get as much out of this relationship as you should.”

“I get plenty out of this relationship,” Atsumu assured him, rubbing his back. “I’m just happy t’be close t’ya and get t’hold ya and joke with ya,” He said, kissing Saksua’s temple.

“Are you sure you’re satisfied with the way things are?” Sakusa asked, tilting his head towards Atsumu. It didn’t escape his notice the way Atsumu shivered when his breath passed over Atsumu’s neck.

“Yeah. I’m satisfied,” he said. “I’d tell ya if I weren’t.”

“Motoya thinks it’s weird we haven’t had sex yet.”

“Well, it’s not his relationship, is it?” Atsumu pulled back, moving his hands up to cup Sakusa’s cheeks in his hands. “Sex isn’t everything,” he said, “I’d still be with ya if you never wanted sex. I’m not even sure I’m ready for sex again yet. I still have nightmares sometimes,” he admitted. “We’ll take this at our own pace.”

“You’ll let me know though, right? If you’re ready.”

Atsumu nodded. “Yeah, sure, if that’s what you want. I don’t mind just waitin’ fer ya to be ready though.”

“I won’t know if I’m ready unless you start something.” Sakusa huffed.

“Alright, well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” He leaned in and kissed Sakusa softly. “’M gonna go home and change. What time is the movie?”

“5.”

“See ya then.”

 

Atsumu thought about the conversation for most of his short walk home. He had been serious that he didn’t care if he and Sakusa were having sex, but he did have to admit, at least to himself, that he missed the intimacy of having sex with a partner. Despite his reputation, Atsumu had never really slept around, preferring to have sex after getting to know someone. It didn’t always work out and he wasn’t a stranger to one-night stands, but he had only had three, not the hundreds that the tabloids would have people believe. Even out of the three, two of them had been with men before he was comfortable being out to his friends and family. He was always scared of the backlash from being bi. Not gay enough to be accepted in queer spaces, but not straight enough for straight spaces.

He hadn’t even told Osamu at first. His brother had actually found out in the most embarrassing way possible. Well, other than getting walked in on while having sex. Osamu had called him for help in the kitchen while they were living together with the intention of hiding a gift in Atsumu’s room for Ochugen. Unfortunately, Atsumu had left his laptop open on his bed with his headphones plugged in, not expecting someone to invade his bedroom for the few seconds that he would be helping in the kitchen. Of course, Atsumu couldn’t have been watching regular porn, no, he was watching gay porn. And Osamu saw. Osamu never ended up hiding the package, instead choosing to throw it at the back of Atsumu’s head.

He chuckled at the memory. Osamu had been so mad because he thought Atsumu didn’t trust him despite being a gay man himself. It took days to placate Osamu’s wrath.

He hummed to himself as he readied himself for his date. He was still upset that his brother was moving away, but he supposed that at least he had Sakusa to cheer him up when he got sad.

Chapter 8: Chapter Eight

Osamu moved to Tokyo only a month after their conversation. Atsumu was extra moody for the first few weeks and it ended up causing Sakusa and Atsumu to fight a little. Not enough to affect their performance and definitely nothing bad enough to have either of them consider breaking up, but it hurt nonetheless. After that though, things went more or less back to normal. With the added exception that when they played in Tokyo, Atsumu spent that time with his brother instead of his boyfriend. Sakusa didn’t mind too much.

“You’re going to see Osamu?”

“Yeah, that’s okay right?”

“Of course. I’m actually going to be busy anyway.”

“Oh,” Atsumu said, sitting up on the bed in their shared room. They still hadn’t come out to the team just yet, despite it being a while since Atsumu had brought it up. They had, however, asked Foster to bunk them together. “Where ya goin’?” He asked, curious.

“Home.” Sakusa groaned. “My mom has been up my ass about marriage interviews.” He admitted. It wasn’t something he had brought up to Atsumu yet, too worried about what he would say. “Obviously I’m not going to them even though she keeps setting them up and it’s pissing her off.”

Atsumu was silent for a second. “She… she knows yer gay, right?”

“Yup.”

“oh.”

“Yeah.” Sakusa sighed. He huffed and moved over until he could lay down next to Atsumu. “How long until you leave?”

“I’m just going over after the game. Ya good if I stay the night there?”

“Yeah,” Sakusa said. “Tell Osamu I said hi.”

If Atsumu wasn’t going to his brother’s until after the game, then they had time to relax beforehand. It was still early. They just got into the hotel from the train. He curled up next to Atsumu, resting his cheek against Atsumu’s upper arm and resting his folded legs against Atsumu’s thigh. They shared soft, whispered conversations until Foster knocked on the door and told them that everyone was headed to the gym for warm ups.

 

Sakusa hadn’t wanted to visit his family to begin with, but he really didn’t want to be there when he saw the young woman sitting at the table in the garden. “Mom.”

“Sh,” she said shortly, leading Sakusa into the garden. They were followed by the housekeeper, who was serving them tea.

“Mimiko-kun,” his mother started, “This is Kiyoomi.”

Sakusa bowed politely, sitting down across from her.

“It’s very nice to meet you Kiyoomi-san,” the girl said. “Your mother has said a lot about you.”

“Has she?” He asked, his eyes flicking towards her. “She hadn’t mentioned you at all.” He was only momentarily satisfied by the flush that comment brought to his mother’s face.

“Oh. Well, I suppose the interview was a bit sudden,” Mimiko said, brushing her dark hair behind her ear. She was pretty, Sakusa didn’t have to be straight to be able to tell that. But she was, obviously, not his type. Aside from being a woman, she was polite, petite, quiet. Her eyes didn’t shine golden and her hair wasn’t donning a rough bleaching. His lips quirked up at the thought of Atsumu sitting across from him with his shitty accent, trying to convince his family that he was good for Sakusa.

“What did she say about me then?” He asked.

She looked a little surprised at the question. “Uh. Well, she said that you were smart. A double major in accounting and finance. A perfect GPA,” she started, “You’re a professional volleyball player right now, but you're planning to get into banking when you’re finished with the season. You live in Osaka. She said that you’re a sweet boy.”

Sakusa raised his eyebrow. “Wow. I didn’t know I was planning to quit my job,” he said, cutting his gaze towards his mother, who was frowning. “She also seems to have forgotten a few things.”

“Kiyoomi,” his mother warned.

Mimiko looked stuck between being a good guest and inquiring further, so Sakusa continued on. “She seems to have forgotten to mention that I am gay.” Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped a little. Sakusa’s mother stood up, her jaw clenched. “And that I’m in a committed relationship. With another man.”

“I’m sorry Mimiko-kun. Please excuse us.” Sakusa followed his mother into the other room, completely unsurprised when she slapped him. “How dare you embarrass me like that.”

Sakusa sneered. “Oh, I embarrassed you ? Do you think I want to tell people that I’m gay ? You’ve beaten it into me that it’s something to be ashamed of, but I am gay . I can’t change that. And I am not going to subject myself to a loveless marriage to someone I can’t even have sex with.”

His mother flushed again at the mention of sex, like it was taboo. “You should have stayed in Tokyo.”

“I was gay here too, mom.”

She pursed her lips. “Yes, but at least when you lived under my roof I could stop you from having untoward sexual relationships.”

Sakusa huffed, folding his arms and lording his height over her. “I’m 25, mom. I’m old enough to have my own relationships, sexual, romantic, or otherwise.”

“Go back in there and apologize to Mimiko-kun.” She said, her face still red from anger and embarrassment.

Sakusa rolled his eyes, but he did go back to the garden. He offered Mimiko a small smile, “I’m sorry that you had to see that,” he said. “Please, if it isn’t too much trouble, could you keep what you heard here today a secret?”

She looked up at him and nodded. “Yes. Of course, Kiyoomi-san.” She looked back into the house where his mother was fuming, watching them. “I suppose… I suppose I should go,” she said, standing and brushing the wrinkles out of her dress. She reached over and squeezed his arm, Sakusa forced himself not to pull away. “I hope things work out for you and your partner.”

“Thank you,” Sakusa said softly. He waited until she was in the house before grabbing the sanitizer from his pocket and dousing his arms in it, the familiar alcohol smell burning his nose.

The next hour was tense as they waited for his father to come home so they could eat dinner. He spent most of that time reading and intermittently texting Atsumu. He didn’t want to bother Atsumu while he was spending time with his brother.

They got into it again at the dinner table, his mother mad because he had been disrespectful and “crass”. Sakusa had tried to argue that he wasn’t being crass by talking about his sexuality, but it fell on deaf ears.

After the disastrous dinner Sakusa was getting ready to go, pulling on his light jacket and shoes when his mother caught his arm. “Baby,” she cooed, like it was going to heal the wounds she cut in him with her words.

With a full body sigh he turned towards his mother, his posture reading complete defeat.

She reached up cupping his face in her hands while he tried not to flinch away from the touch. “Mom,” he warned. She moved to comb her fingers through his curly hair.

“You know I love you right?” She asked, rubbing her thumbs across his cheeks.

Sakusa closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing more than her touching. “Yeah. I know,” he mumbled. “Can you let go of me?”

She pouted, trailing her hands from his face down his neck until they rested on his shoulders, leaving a trail of burning in their wake. “We’re just trying to make sure you have a nice life.”

Sakusa clenched his jaw hard enough to hear a painful pop. “I know. Can you please stop touching me?”

“I am your mother. I birthed you. I am allowed to touch you,” she said, her eyebrows furrowed and voice angry.

“I would prefer you didn’t.” She snatched her hands back finally, looking hurt and angry. Sakusa still felt like his skin was crawling, but he felt like he could breathe again.

“And you say you’re in a relationship.” She huffed, agitated. “How can you be in a relationship when you can’t handle touch.”

Sakusa almost, almost , snapped that touch was fine if he was comfortable, but that would open a whole new can of worms that he just didn’t want to get into. “We’re making it work just fine.”

She squinted at him. “You were lying earlier weren’t you,” she said, reaching out to adjust his collar like she hadn’t just been asked not to touch him. “You can’t date like this.”

“I can date just fine.”

“You can’t have sex like this then.”

Sakusa grimaced. “I don’t need sex to be happy in a relationship,” he said. He wrapped his hands around her wrists and pulled her hands away from his neck, letting go once she wasn’t touching him anymore. “I should head back.”

She reached out again, tugging him down so she could kiss his cheek before sending him on his way.

He cringed and she got mad, but he was allowed to leave. He walked back in silence and in a little bit of a daze. He didn’t react when he full-body checked Hinata in the lobby, only tottering and moving to walk around him. He was pale and shaking. Hinata stared after him for a moment before sliding his phone out of his pocket to call Atsumu. In part because they were rooming together, but also because Atsumu was definitely the closest friend Sakusa had on the team.

 

When Atsumu got back to the hotel room, only slightly disappointed to leave his brother behind, he could smell the scent of alcohol. It was pungent and he choked on it a little. Looking into the room though, he didn’t see Sakusa in either of the beds, so he made his way to the bathroom.

The scent of rubbing alcohol was even stronger when he pushed open the door. Sakusa was in the tub, seemingly sleeping, the only thing that stopped Atsumu from worrying too much was the steady rise and fall of his chest. His face, arms, and neck rubbed raw and red. Atsumu saw the empty bottle of rubbing alcohol on the floor and immediately dipped his fingers into the bath water, which was barely even warm anymore, and sniffed them. “Fuck,” he muttered, digging his phone out of his pocket to call emergency services.

It had been hard to hold his phone and drag Sakusa’s huge body out of the small bath, but the operator was telling him everything he would have to do in order to keep Sakusa safe until emergency personnel could take over. Try to wake him up, give him fluids if possible, keep him warm and dry. As soon as he could hang up, he did, focusing his attention on getting Sakusa conscious. “Hey,” he said, pinching Sakusa’s cheek. He stirred, but didn’t open his eyes. “ Fuck. ” Atsumu swore again. He picked Sakusa up with some difficulty and deposited him on one of the beds, rubbing him down with the hotel provided towels and wrapping him in the blankets to keep him warm.

When the emergency services arrived, hot on their tail was Foster, who promptly started freaking out.

It wasn’t until Sakusa was being carted away on the stretcher that Atsumu completely lost it. His knees went weak all of a sudden and if Foster hadn’t been standing right next to him, he probably would have hit the ground. He tried to speak, to explain what happened, but all that came out were sobs and broken words.

Eventually Atsumu managed to get it together enough to explain more or less what he had come back to the hotel to find, but he didn’t know why . As soon as they were able, some of the team visited Sakusa in the hospital. When they got there, Sakusa was awake, but he looked drowsy. He had an IV and an oxygen mask on.

“Omi,” Atsumu whispered, a little worried to come in just in case it was his fault somehow. Sakusa turned his gaze from the window to Atsumu, then his dark green eyes flicked to the other people in the doorway, finally landing on Atsumu again. It was no more than a twitch of his hand, but Atsumu saw it for what it was and he immediately was at Sakusa’s side, barely stopping to get a glob of sanitizer out of the dispenser on the wall. “What happened?” He asked softly.

Sakusa reached up slowly, like it took a lot of effort, and tugged his mask down. “My mom wouldn’t stop touching me,” he answered. His eyes flicked from Atsumu’s eyes to his mouth. “She said that I must be lying about being in a relationship since I can’t stomach touch.”

Atsumu startled at the feel of Sakusa’s hand cupping the back of his neck. He had been staring so intently at Sakusa’s face, his eyes, his lips, that he didn’t see Sakusa move his hand. “I’m sorry ya had t’deal with that,” he mumbled.

“Kiss me?” He asked softly.

Atsumu wanted to argue that the team was right there , that Sakusa reeked of alcohol, that he wasn’t sure that kissing Sakusa wouldn’t hurt him more. But. He was only human. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sakusa’s, feather light and barely lingering before he pulled back and tugged Sakusa’s mask into place. “Why’d ya do that though? Bathe in rubbing alcohol? That was dangerous.”

Sakusa’s tired eyes blinked at him. “I don’t know,” he answered. “I just… I was contaminated and I needed to get clean. So, I filled the tub with the hottest water I could. I thought that would be enough,” he said. “I scrubbed my face and arms, that’s where she touched me. But I just… I still don’t feel clean,” he admitted. “I poured the bottle into the tub. I didn’t think I’d pass out.”

“It’s alcohol poisoning, ” Atsumu stressed. “Ya coulda died if Hinata hadn’t noticed you were acting funny when ya came back. If he didn’t call me...”

Sakusa frowned, his eyes watering. “I know.”

Their hushed conversation was only broken by the doctor coming into the room. It got a little hectic after that and Atsumu and the rest of the team had to leave. They still had a game to play the next day. Still, Atsumu caught the doctor on the way out. “Don’t call his family, if you can avoid it,” he said.

The doctor raised a brow. “Well, he’s an adult and he’s conscious, so that won’t be necessary. Why?”

Atsumu shuffled. “It was his ma that triggered his episode. I’d hate to see it happen again.”

The doctor nodded. “Oh. Well, rest assured, unless something happens and his emergency contact needs to be contacted, he is awake and alert enough to make his own decisions.”

“Alright. Thank ya,” he said, waving to his boyfriend before finally following the rest of the team to the hotel.

“So… you are dating?” Hinata asked softly, walking next to Atsumu.

“Yeah,” Atsumu said. “I- we were plannin’ on tellin’ ya’ll eventually, jus’ never got ‘round to it.”

“How long?” Meian asked.

“Since April,” Atsumu answered. Everything quieted down after that. No one asked what had happened. Atsumu did make sure to give Komori a call that night while he was cleaning and fumigating the bathroom though He felt like he deserved to know.

 

 

Sakusa was released the next day and managed to make it to the stadium in time to watch them lose the third set and win the match in the fourth. Atsumu didn’t even notice him at first, but as soon as he did he was running up to him. “Omi, how’re ya feelin’?”

“Not great,” he admitted, “But my oxygen levels are back to normal and I’m no longer secreting alcohol from my pores, so I guess I’m good enough to go home.

“I’m stayin with ya for a couple days. Ya scared the daylights outta me.”

Sakusa offered Atsumu a weak smile. “Sorry, of course you can stay.”

 

A few hours after they got off the train in Osaka, Atsumu was barging into Sakusa’s apartment. “Sometimes, I feel like it was a mistake to give you a key,” Sakusa said, looking up from his knitting to see Atsumu standing in the doorway.

“How else would I get in?”

“Knocking.” Sakusa huffed, putting his knitting down, standing, and grabbing one of Atsumu’s bags to store in the bedroom.

“How’re ya feelin’?”

“Tired, but mostly okay,” he said, “I feel grossed out and weird about being in the hospital though,” he mumbled. “There is always the fear of contracting something from the IV or the catheter.”

Atsumu blinked. “They put a catheter in ya? I thought that was for like, incontinence.”

“Big word,” Sakusa teased. “Well, they were pumping liquids into me so fast that the catheter was so I wouldn’t have to get up every 30 minutes to pee. Let me tell you, zero out of ten. Would not recommend.” He chuckled.

“Fuck off. I’m a wiz at scrabble. Ya should just try ‘n’ beat me,” Atsumu said, dropping his bag next to the bag that Sakusa had carried in. “So, I take it yer not feelin’ up to a little kissin’?” Atsumu pouted.

Sakusa pinched Atsumu’s nose. “Not right now, no,” he said. “Motoya is coming over at some point today as well, just so you know.”

“Alright, well, I’m gonna take a shower,” Atsumu said, slipping into the bathroom to do just that. He didn’t take that long, not being nearly as meticulous as Sakusa. He was definitely still clean, but he didn’t spend 10 minutes trying to clean in between his toes every shower. “Babe? Do ya got an extra toothbrush?”

Sakusa huffed and lifted himself off the couch and went into the bathroom. “You didn’t bring one?” He accused. “Now I’m wondering if I should ever be letting you kiss me,” he teased.

“I didn’t forget it, mine just apparently doesn’t hold a charge anymore,” he said, holding up the dead electric toothbrush. It held a charge all weekend, but apparently it wasn’t going to make it more than 36 hours.

“… You can still brush your teeth with it.”

“But it feels weird,” he whined. “Come on, ya gotta have travel toothbrushes.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sakusa grumbled, squatting down to dig through his box at the bottom of the storage closet. “Here,” he said, passing him the brush.

Atsumu grinned, “Thanks!” He made quick work of unwrapping the toothbrush and getting the toothpaste on. “Ya gonna… stand there?” He asked. They had brushed their teeth side by side before, comes with the territory of sharing rooms at away games, but he had never felt this level of scrutiny before.

“Yup.” Sakusa said, popping the ‘p’. “I’m going to stand here and judge your brushing technique. I put my tongue in that mouth, I have the right to see how well you’re brushing it.”

Atsumu blinked at him a couple of times in surprise before shrugging. “Alright. Suit yerself.”

 

Komori pushed open the door to Sakusa’s apartment much in the same way that Atsumu did, without knocking. Sakusa knew he was coming anyway. What he didn’t expect was what he heard coming from the bathroom.

“Deeper Atsumu. I know you can go deeper.” Komori’s eyes went wide as he heard his cousin’s voice reverberate through the mostly closed bathroom door.

“But Omi,” Atsumu whined, clearly around a mouthful. “’t’s too much.”

The implications of what Komori was hearing were clear, and he was stuck at a weird spot of being completely mortified at hearing his cousin getting a blowjob and being oddly excited that Sakusa was finally getting a blowjob.

“I said deeper .”

There was a brief gagging noise, then the sound of someone spitting, “I can’t do it Omi. It hurts.” Atsumu whined, his voice sounding kind of rough.

It was at this point that it would be more awkward if they finished and Komori was just lounging on the couch, so he made some noise and called out to his cousin.

“Bathroom,” Sakusa said, sliding the door open.

Komori’s eyes went wide, thinking he was going to see something he would never recover from. Instead, he saw his cousin, leaning against the sink, a picture of innocence. Completely put together and obviously not getting a blowjob. Letting his eyes slide to the side, he saw Atsumu. He was hunched over the sink, drooling down a toothbrush.

“What the fuck?” Komori asked.

“What?”

“I thought… I thought you were getting a blowjob.”

Sakusa’s withering glare wasn’t enough to stop Komori from laughing as Atsumu choked on his toothbrush once again.

“Can you butt out of my relationship for like, any amount of time? Literally any. I will take anything at this point.”

“Oh, come on, you were telling him to go deeper, there was gagging, he was whining that he couldn’t do it. It makes sense!”

Atsumu spit the toothpaste out and rinsed his mouth with water before sitting up and wiping his eyes. “He’s apparently concerned that my molars aren’t gettin’ clean,” he complained. “But I’ve never had a cavity in my entire life, so maybe he should cool it.”

Sakusa pouted but left the bathroom and moved to the couch.

“You were hospitalized yesterday and you’re critiquing Atsumu’s ability to brush his teeth?” Komori asked, settling down on the opposite end. “How’d that happen by the way? Atsumu wasn’t super clear.”

“I told ya his ma was badgerin’ him!” Atsumu yelled, going to the kitchen to grab them all drinks.

Sakusa rolled his eyes. “Well, you know how she is,” he said. “I could deal with the random lady in the house for a marriage proposal. I suffered through a fight with my dad. But I…” He gritted his teeth. “She just kept touching my face and my neck and my hair.” He shuddered. “She kissed my cheek with her lipstick and her just-finished-eating-dinner-breath.”

“Sorry,” Komori said, having been there for enough of Sakusa’s holiday meltdowns to know exactly what Sakusa was talking about.

Atsumu tossed Komori a beer before flopping down on the couch ungracefully, his legs thrown haphazardly over Komori’s lap and his head on Sakusa’s thigh. “Here ya go,” Atsumu said, handing Sakusa a green tea before popping the tab on his own can of soda.

Seeing as Komori had only come over to check in on his cousin’s condition and make sure he was doing okay he left after only a couple episodes of whatever anime Atsumu had decided to put on. It wasn’t one that Komori was familiar with and he was completely lost within seconds.

Sakusa and Atsumu watched the anime in relative silence until Atsumu finally broke it several episodes later. “Hey Omi-Omi?”

“What?”

“How old were ya when ya were diagnosed with OCD?”

Sakusa paused the TV and looked down at Atsumu. “12.”

Atsumu nodded and turned his gaze to meet Sakusa’s. “So ya’ve been dealing with it fer 13 years and yer ma is still an asshole ‘bout it?”

“Not really, no,” he said, but he put his hand over Atsumu’s mouth when he opened his mouth to retort. “I started having symptoms when I was 8. So, no, she’s been an asshole about it for much longer.”

Atsumu stared up at Sakusa waiting for his mouth to be freed, “M sorry Omi. Ya don’t deserve that.”

“It’s really hard sometimes,” he admitted quietly. “We used to be close because she was always there to take care of my EDS.” Atsumu remembered Sakusa saying something about that when he stayed over for the holidays, but Atsumu didn’t dare speak. “But after I came out as gay… she really changed a lot. I’m not sure how much of it is how she feels she’ll be perceived if people were to find out… and how much of it is disgust.” Sakusa sighed, his hands in his lap and his fingers picking at his cuticles. Normally Atsumu would remind him not to do that, but this time it didn’t seem like a good idea. “Even before that, I mean, she struggled to understand the complexities of the OCD and it wasn’t until I had gotten really sick that she realized I needed help beyond what she could offer. I think that… she probably assumed that therapy was just a bunch of quacks.”

Atsumu could relate. It wasn’t until he tried killing himself that people truly believed he needed help. Therapy did help though. “You seem like ya’ve been doin’ pretty good,” Atsumu pointed out. “I mean, other than the other day.”

“I’ve…” Sakusa’s gaze lifted from his hands to meet Atsumu’s eyes. “I’ve been trying really hard. For us.”

Atsumu blinked, shocked into silence for a long moment. “For us ?”

Sakusa nodded, a light dusting of pink blooming high up on his cheekbones. It was barely even noticeable but Atsumu saw it. “I know that you already know this, but I really like you. I… I’m pretty sure I love you,” he was nearly whispering. “I’m trying desperately to make this work. I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Omi,” Atsumu shifted, moving until he was kneeling next to Sakusa, still unsure if his touch would be wanted yet. “I love ya too,” he whispered, “can I kiss ya?”

Sakusa bit his lip, clearly mulling over whether or not he was in the mental state for it.

“If ya gotta think about it, I’ll wait,” Atsumu said, smiling. “I’ve never minded waitin’ for ya.”

Unbidden, Sakusa’s own face split into a small smile of his own. “It’s okay to push every once in a while.”

“I know,” Atsumu said, scooting back to his side of the couch and just looking at his partner. “But I ain’t gonna push ya when you’ve had a rough couple days. I’ll push ya when you’re in a good spot, that way I don’t accidently make ya spiral.”

Sakusa hummed softly. “I think…” He licked his lips. “I think that… when you’re ready, I’m ready to try having sex.”

Atsumu’s eyebrows rose to his hairline. ‘Yeah?”

Sakusa nodded. “I still want to uh, you know, take it slow… I don’t think I can just jump into it. But I mean, we can sleep in the same bed now. My brain isn’t constantly freaking out about it when you hold me.”

“As long as I’m not breathin’ on ya,” Atsumu teased. “Ya know that sex is gonna be a lot grosser than me breathin’ on ya.”

“Messes can be cleaned,” Sakusa said, echoing Suna’s words from nearly 3 months earlier.

“Maybe I can fuck ya so good that you forget you hate germs.”

Sakusa snorted and kicked a foot out towards Atsumu. “I think I’d prefer it the other way, at least to begin with.”

“But then ya gotta stick your fingers in my ass,” Atsumu pointed out.

“I’m aware of how gay sex works, Atsumu. But I can wear gloves. EDS makes me more prone to prolapse though, so uh, until I clear things with my doctor, I’d prefer we just… do you not want to bottom?” Sakusa asked.

Atsumu shrugged. “I don’t care,” he said honestly. “I just wanna be close to ya.” He never pushed Sakusa, especially since he’d been dealing with his own issues regarding sex, but he did miss being intimate. He would likely never forget the feeling of being out of control and having no say in what happened to him, but his therapist said he didn’t need to keep punishing himself forever. He may have made the decision to drink too much, but he did not make the decision to be raped. He was allowed to forgive himself for what happened. He was allowed to want sex. He was allowed to move on .

 

 

Atsumu groaned and flopped face first into his bed before calling his brother.

“What?”

“Rude,” Atsumu replied immediately. “Is Suna visiting this weekend?”

“No, he’s got some sort of training camp,” Osamu replied.

“Can I come visit?”

Osamu was silent for a long moment. “Did you get dumped?”

Atsumu snorted. “Do I sound like I was dumped?”

“No, but yer bein’ all cryptic and stuff.”

Atsumu flipped over in his bed, looking up at the plastic stars on his ceiling. “Omi said he loves me.”

“Okay…? I fail to see the issue,” Osamu did sound confused.

“I ain’t sad,” Atsumu said with a light laugh, “I just miss ya. Miss sharin’ big moments like this wit’ ya.”

“Oh.” Osamu got quiet again for a moment. “Uh, yeah, you should come up then. Yer not worried Sakusa is gonna hurt himself again?”

“Nah,” Atsumu said. “He’ll be fine. He’s been dealin’ with this for a long time. He only gets like that when there’s a big stressor. Like his Ma.”

“Yer sure?”

Atsumu frowned. “Pretty sure. I mean… in the nine months we’ve been datin’ this is the first time somethin’ this serious has happened. I think he deserves a bit of trust.”

“I just…”

“I know,” Atsumu said, uncharacteristically soft. Because he did know. He knew that his brother was thinking of how useless he felt after Atsumu was hospitalized. How guilty. He’d stuck a lot closer to Atsumu after that. It had taken years for Osamu to stop acting like he was made of glass. Just as Atsumu knew what his brother was thinking though, Atsumu knew that he didn’t want to treat Sakusa that way. He knew he wasn’t made of glass. He knew that he could handle himself. He knew that if Sakusa needed something though, he was just a call away. And, he knew that he’d make the call. “I’ll leave Friday after practice, ‘kay?”

“’Kay…” Osamu said. “Love ya.”

Atsumu grinned. “Love you too.”

 

“I won,” Osamu declared, laying back in the stack of fallen Jenga pieces.

Atsumu groaned and flopped down on the floor next to him. “I think Omi wants to have sex.”

“Ew.” Osamu huffed. “Why are ya tellin’ me this?”

Atsumu sat up and glared at his brother. “Like yer not an over-sharer too!”

After a brief wrestling match which ended with both boys sore from Jenga pieces jabbing them, they flopped back down on the floor. “So, why are ya tellin’ me?”

“It’s a big step. I’m a little nervous that it’s gonna change things,” Atsumu admitted. “Never really worried about it before, but… what if Omi doesn’t like it? What if I’m not as ready as I think and I freak out? What if I don’t get my ass clean enough and he breaks up with me?”

Osamu rolled his eyes and sat up to look at his brother. “Yer overthinkin’ it. It’s just sex. You’ve had sex before.”

“But Omi hasn’t!”

Osamu shrugged. “Look, ya still wanted to date him even when you didn’t know if he was gonna like kissin’ . Yer tellin’ me ya really think yer gonna break up with him if he don’t want sex ?”

“No…”

“And about bein’ gross, he likes ya. He likes ya even though ya suck at picking up the socks you kick off in the middle of the night and even though he thinks yer not getting your molars as clean as ya should. He likes ya even though yer an asshole. Ya think he’s gonna give you up just because ya get a bit of shit on the condom or because yer a bad lay? Get real.”

Atsumu pouted at the ceiling, feeling scolded. Which, admittedly, was what he wanted. He needed his brother to be the one to tell him he was being stupid. “’Samu?”

“What?” Osamu huffed, getting up and kicking his brother’s legs.

“How do I… I’ve never bottomed before.”

Osamu’s face read pure disgust, but Atsumu knew that he was going to tell him. He was going to be thorough and detailed and Atsumu and him would never talk about it again.

Chapter 9: Chapter Nine

Summary:

It's the final chapter!! Thank you all so much for sticking this out with me. I sincerely hope that you read and enjoy the follow up piece. I'm currently leaving this series as not completed in the hopes that I will be able to write even more for it at a later date.

Despite Sakusa’s declaration that he was ready for sex, they still waited. Not for any particular reason, it just never seemed like the right time. Atsumu wondered if he’d just gotten so used to going without it that he didn’t feel the need to initiate it anymore. “What’s that one?” Sakusa asked, pointing up at one of the constellations that Atsumu made on his ceiling.

Sakusa didn’t stay at Atsumu’s apartment very often, preferring the predictability of his own apartment. There were too many unknown factors for Sakusa in Atsumu’s apartment. His mind would latch onto things that he had long ago stopped fixating on in his own apartment.

Still, every once in a while it was nice to break routine. Stressful, but the good kind. His therapist was always pushing him to test his boundaries and force himself into uncomfortable situations so he could practice reacting to the intrusive thoughts that would inevitably come.

They’d been laying in Atsumu’s bed for more than an hour, having planned to go to sleep. But Sakusa’s mind started racing immediately when his head hit the pillow. Rather than allow his thoughts to fester, he pushed Atsumu to talk to him, to give him something to focus on that wasn’t whether or not Atsumu’s skin cells were coating the pillow he was resting on. He’d already gotten up four times to check the door lock before Atsumu threatened to handcuff him to the bed.

As Atsumu explained the star pattern and the story behind it, Sakusa could hear he was fading fast. He was tired and Sakusa wasn’t making it easy to fall asleep. After Atsumu’s words trailed off into silence, Sakusa turned his head and noticed that Atsumu had fallen asleep in the middle of his story.

He wanted to wake him up, demand more, but that wasn’t rational. Slowly, Sakusa extracted himself from the bed. He was quiet as he crept around the apartment, tidying up and checking locks and knobs to ensure the house was safe. He felt like he’d drank far, far too much caffeine.

 

Atsumu groaned, waking up slowly to the sound of running water. He sat up and noticed that Sakusa was gone, as was the pillowcase he’d been sleeping on. He dragged his feet out of bed despite the exhaustion weighing him down. He dragged his feet across the hallway to the bathroom. He knocked but there wasn’t an answer. There was however, the very distinct smell of bleach.

Slowly, he slid the door open, worried for his boyfriend’s health if he was holed up in there with the vent off and bleach permeating the air. “Omi, what’re you doin’?”

Sakusa’s hands came to a sudden stop and he turned his head to look at Atsumu. He was kind of scary with the way his eyes were blown wide. In the sink was an absolutely ruined pillowcase. It had previously been red, but it was now covered in bleach. “I…”

“Omi… come back to bed. I’ll get ya a different pillow…” He trailed off as he looked over his boyfriend's skin. His arms were red all the way to his elbows and his neck and jaw looked like they’d been scratched or… scrubbed. “Scratch that. Get in the shower.”

“But the pillowcase…”

“Now,” Atsumu demanded, leaving no room for complaints.

He watched slowly, oh so slowly, as Sakusa released his death grip on the pillowcase and the scrub brush. He stepped back from the sink and stripped off the sweater he was wearing, then his leggings, socks, and underwear. He stepped into the shower and Atsumu stepped forward, turning on the showerhead.

Sakusa flinched at the cold, but it seemed to shock him back into himself a little. He took in a shuddering breath before reaching for the bar of soap as the water warmed quickly.

While Sakusa showered, Atsumu flipped on the vent, drained the sick, and tossed the pillowcase. He gave the sink a quick wash while he was at it, hoping it was enough to get rid of all the bleach residue so the bathroom didn’t reek in the morning.

“Come on,” Atsumu said. Sakusa was clean but he was reaching for the soap again. “Yer done, get out and I’ll let ya pick the sheets we put on the bed.”

Sakusa’s hand halted only centimeters from the soap then dropped to his side. It was like pulling teeth getting Sakusa out and dressed, but he managed. Sakusa raided the linen closet until he found a set of sheets that passed the OCD test. Together they made the bed and got in. Atsumu kept his hands to himself and forced himself to stay awake until he heard Sakusa’s soft snores. Only then did he allow himself to fall asleep.

 

They didn’t talk about it. Atsumu wanted to, but he could feel the guilt radiating off Sakusa so he figured it could wait.

 

“Omi?”

Sakusa sighed and looked at his boyfriend, his face scrunched up, then he silently turned away from him and closed his eyes. Atsumu tapped his foot nervously before setting the bowl of soup down on the nightstand and making his way out of Sakusa’s apartment. It had been a long week since Sakusa’s initial freak out in Atsumu’s apartment. Sakusa had been seemingly more volatile than usual. They fought a lot and Atsumu was staying at his own place to give him space, but it seemed to be getting worse.

When his phone rang, Atsumu pulled it out and answered it. “Hey…”

“Sorry,” Sakusa said. His voice was soft and scratchy. “Can you come back?”

Atsumu paused, closing his eyes. Sometimes it was hard. He loved Sakusa, that much was true, but when Sakusa got nasty, or worse, straight up ignored him, it cut deep. He took a deep breath and reminded himself that they both had their own issues. Sakusa was doing his best to manage the symptoms of his OCD just as Atsumu was doing his best to manage his depression.

“Yeah, but I’m gonna give myself some time to calm down first, okay?”

There was a long silence on the other end of the line, then a sniffle. “Yeah.”

It pained Atsumu to know that Sakusa was that upset, it almost made him want to turn right around and head towards the apartment. But he couldn’t do that. He needed to give them both space to get it together. If Atsumu walked in there the way he was feeling, he knew he’d start a fight that would make things worse.

 

He walked around the block a couple of times to clear his head before making his way back to his boyfriend’s apartment. When he entered he was glad to see that Sakusa was up and moving again. The rough scratches on his neck were almost healed but he could see where he’d dug his nails into his forearms and he could see the scabs on his cuticles from picking at them. “Hey,” he said softly, kicking his shoes off and purposefully not lining them up.

Sakusa’s eyes followed the movement but he didn’t say anything. He did however swivel on the stool and beckon Atsumu closer. His hands were incredibly gentle as he grabbed Atsumu’s hands, but the skin was rough. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. His eyes were red and slightly puffy. His hair was damp. “I’ve been a mess this week.”

Atsumu’s first instinct was to reassure Sakusa that it was okay, but it wasn’t and he knew that he couldn’t tell him it was. They talked about that. He wasn’t supposed to reassure him or lean into the compulsions or they could get worse. Atsumu tightened his grip around Sakusa’s fingers. “I still love ya,” he said, “but it would be nice if ya let me know earlier that you’re havin’ a hard time. Just a text or somethin’. It really hurts when you completely ignore me.”

Sakusa nodded, his eyes growing more red-rimmed, like he was trying desperately to keep it together. “I don’t need ya forcing yerself to the maximum for me, not here,” he crooked a grin at Sakusa, “now in volleyball …”

It worked. Sakusa huffed out a soft laugh, rolling his eyes and letting some of the tension drain from his posture. “I love you too.”

“I know,” Atsumu said. He was gentle as he reached up and tucked a hair behind Sakusa’s ear. He noticed the flinch but he didn’t back down. “Yer… amazing. So, so, so , far from perfect,” he teased, “but yer still amazin’. But yer also gonna starve to death if you don’t eat.”

Sakusa stood up slowly and pressed his lips to Atsumu’s. He had a little furrow in his brow, but he maintained the kiss for at least a minute before pulling back. “I’ll save the soup… but do you think you could make mackerel?”

“Sure.”

“With miso?”

“For you?” Atsumu grinned at him. “Anything.”

 

“Gwah!” Atsumu flopped back on the couch. “I’m so full!”

Sakusa smiled and grabbed their dishes. “Thank you for cooking. It was very good.”

Atsumu hummed, his eyes closed in contentment. It didn’t take much to mend their rifts when they fought. Which… was fairly often. Even though they didn’t seem it to outsiders, they were both fairly understanding and forgiving of each other. They understood each other and knew that fighting was likely just going to be a part of their specific cocktail of mental ailments.

Sakusa surprised Atsumu by dropping into his lap when he returned from the kitchen. “Kiss me,” he demanded.

“Yer sure?” Atsumu asked, peering at him. When Sakusa held strong, Atsumu lifted his head up and leaned forward. His hands settled on Sakusa’s waist as he stretched to kiss him. He kept it PG at first, letting Sakusa lead, but he couldn’t help the soft moan when Sakusa’s tongue entered the mix. He had little hope of feeling that anywhere near him after the week they’d had. He probably could count on one hand the number of times they’d kissed in the last week, so he was surprised.

Sakusa shifted slightly, only breaking the kiss when he realized that the hard thing poking him wasn’t part of the couch or the remote. “You’re hard.”

“You don’t have to point it out,” Atsumu said with an eye roll. “It’s fine, ignore it. I’ll go away.”

Sakusa hesitated.

“Omi, seriously,” Atsumu’s hand forced Sakusa to meet his gaze. “Ain’t no way we’re doin’ anything sexual with the week we’ve had.”

Slowly, Sakusa nodded. He knew that it was good to push himself, but it was better not to push himself too hard too fast. “Alright, I’ll leave you to suffer with it, but can we move to the bed?”

Atsumu grunted, using all his strength to tighten his grip around Sakusa’s waist and stand at the same time. Sakusa wasn’t exactly an easy size to lift up. Atsumu managed however and he carried him back to the room with Sakusa hunched over, laughing into his shoulder between demands to be put down. His arguments fell on deaf ears though.

 

 

Coming up on their one-year anniversary, Atsumu started to think about what they should do for it. He was sitting on the floor in his apartment, Sakusa sitting on the couch behind him. What had started as a simple shoulder massage had turned into Atsumu becoming a puddle of goo. It had felt good and Atsumu hadn’t felt like getting back up off the floor yet. Sakusa had handed him his laptop while he read a magazine, one of his thighs resting on Atsumu’s shoulder and the other one splayed with his foot kicked out at an angle that would be uncomfortable to someone who didn’t have freaky joints.

“Hey, what about Mt. Fuji?”

“Hmm?”

Atsumu craned his neck to look behind him but Sakusa was reading and he didn’t seem to really register that Atsumu had been asking for his input. Atsumu narrowed his eyes and pressed his thumb to the underside of Sakusa’s knee, making him kick out and flip the laptop right off his lap. Sakusa cut a glare at Atsumu. “Have ya just been pretendin’ to listen?”

“… No.”

“Then what did I ask ya?”

When Sakusa couldn’t come up with an answer he sighed and closed the magazine. He crossed his arms over his chest and stared at Atsumu. Undivided attention. A few years ago Atsumu would have assumed it was impossible.

“We haven’t really done much hikin’ since we talked about it back ‘round my birthday. Fer our anniversary I was thinkin’ we could hike Mt. Fuji. Stay in a ryokan… Ya know, something simple but still… meaningful.”

Humming, Sakusa leaned forward and nodded towards the computer that he’d accidentally kicked. “Let’s look at the prices.”

Atsumu dragged the computer back onto his lap and brought up the webpages that he’d been looking at. “I know ya probably don’t wanna use the public bath, but I don’t really think we should splurge on a private one.” Atsumu typed something into the search bar and clicked a few links. “But this one isn’t so bad. A bit more of a hike to get to, but that means there’s less traffic down that way. It’s a lot cheaper and we’re young and healthy.”

Sakusa nodded. “Book it. I’ll pay for the train tickets and dinner.”

“It’s a date,” Atsumu cheered. He leaned back against the couch as he heard the shuffle of Sakusa picking the magazine back up. He was quick while booking before shutting the laptop and shuffling around so he was kneeling on the floor between Sakusa’s legs.

He started off slow, gentle, pressing soft, almost innocent kisses to Sakusa’s thigh, nothing to raise alarm bells. It wasn’t until his fingers rucked up Sakusa’s shorts that Sakusa finally put the magazine down and looked at him with a furrowed brow. “What are you doing?”

Atsumu blinked up at Sakusa innocently. “Wanna blow you,” he admitted. “Ya think you can handle that?” He saw the understanding dawn on Sakusa’s face. Saw his ears turn red. He felt him twitch under his hands.

“Bedroom,” he said, his voice slightly strained.

Atsumu’s face broke wide in a grin and together they stood up and made their way towards the bedroom. “Scoot back,” Atsumu said, having Sakusa move until he was sitting towards the headboard, leaning back against it.

“Shouldn’t we set down a towel or something?”

“I don’t think we’ll need it,” Atsumu said, his hands already working to pull Sakusa’s shirt over his head. “but it’s about time we change the sheets anyway, right? So even if we do make a little mess on the bed, we have to strip it anyway.”

Sakusa watched Atsumu as he placed both their shirts on the end of the bed before settling back in Sakusa’s lap. “I suppose you’re right…”

Atsumu bumped their foreheads together with a small smile. “Quit thinkin’ ‘bout the mess and focus on me, huh?”

Slowly, Sakusa’s hands lifted off the sheets and ran up Atsumu’s thighs, settling on his hips. “Okay,” he said softly, “I’ll try.”

The first kiss was painfully light, deeply caring. Atsumu shuffled forward on his knees until they were chest to chest, just trying to see how Sakusa would react to full skin contact. He wasn’t sure they’d ever had this much skin contact outside of a shower. It was exhilarating.

Atsumu didn’t allow himself to dwell on how weird it was that just this much skin contact was enough to get him excited. How that might not have been the case all that long ago.

He opened his mouth a little wider, letting Sakusa take the lead, feeling his fingers dig into his hips. Atsumu’s own hands made their way to Sakusa’s hair and neck. He moaned softly into the kiss and almost broke the kiss around a grin when Sakusa jerked slightly under him.

He wasn’t really sure how long they kissed for before Atsumu’s hands trailed from his hair down his chest, playing with his nipples briefly and chuckling into the kiss at the confused sound Sakusa made. Maybe his nipples weren’t that sensitive. Eventually he pulled back, smiling when Sakusa leaned forward, trying to follow, to keep the soft exchange of kisses going.

“Yer beautiful,” Atsumu said, the backs of his fingers dragging from Sakusa’s temple to his chin.

Sakusa seemed shocked silent for a moment before flushing red. “You… you’re annoying,” he grumbled, trying and failing to hide his embarrassment behind a wall of toughness.

Atsumu didn’t care though. “Yeah, but ya like me anyway.” He shifted slightly, rolling off Sakusa and watching the slight panic in his boyfriends face as he worried if he fucked up by being an asshole. “Pants and underwear off.”

It took a moment for the words to register but then Sakusa was shimmying out of his pants and underwear while Atsumu was digging through the bedside drawer for those condoms Sakusa had purchased all those months ago. Eventually he found them with a triumphant noise. “We probably shouldn’t store these in the snack drawer.”

Sakusa snorted. “You’re the one who made it a snack drawer.”

“For you!” Atsumu exclaimed, grinning. He crawled back onto the bed, but this time making room for himself between Sakusa’s legs. If the spiker was embarrassed by the position, he didn’t act it. “Need ya to eat, even if yer stuck in bed because of yer EDS…” Atsumu struggled with the package, but eventually he got it and pulled out a single condom. He set it down next to them before finally allowing himself to really look at Sakusa.

He was beautiful, that much was clear to any passerby on the street, but laid out like this he looked particularly good. Just on the right side of disheveled. His eyes dropped to between Sakusa’s legs and he licked his lips. “Ya know how to put this on?” Atsumu asked, holding up the condom.

Sakusa shifted slightly. “Uh, no,” he admitted. “I’ve obviously never needed one before.”

Atsumu nodded and ripped the wrapper open carefully. “I’d prefer if they weren’t prelubed…” Atsumu mumbled, showing Sakusa the proper way to get the condom on.

“Why?”

“Taste,” Atsumu answered easily. “The slightly plastic taste of the condom probably won’t be too bad, but lube tastes horrible.” Atsumu looked up at Sakusa, wrapping his hand around him and slowly stroking him.

“They had flavored options,” Sakusa said, though his voice was suddenly strained and his eyes were focused on Atsumu’s hand.

“Could try those,” Atsumu said, smirking, “but hopefully, someday, I’ll be able to taste ya without a condom.”

Sakusa swallowed around a moan, looking a little overwhelmed.

Atsumu figured if he wanted to get his mouth on him at all, he’d better do it quickly. Sakusa might be an adult, but this was his first time being touched like this by someone else. He was bound to finish fairly quickly.

So, where usually Atsumu had a slow buildup with lots of foreplay, he ducked down to get his mouth around Sakusa’s cock. He shifted until he was laying on his belly, taking him in about halfway and looking up at Sakusa.

“Oh my God, ” Sakusa moaned, trying desperately not to thrust up into Atsumu’s mouth. He kept his eyes mostly trained on the ceiling, knowing for sure and certain that if he watched, it would be over . It felt amazing.

Then the thoughts started.

Atsumu frowned when he felt Sakusa flagging. He pulled off and sat up, looking at Sakusa. He’d noticed him looking at the ceiling but had been hoping it was just to keep from coming. “Omi?”

Sakusa’s gaze fell from the ceiling to look at him and he looked… ashamed? Scared?

“Talk to me, Omi, I can’t know what yer thinkin’ if you don’t talk to me.”

Sakusa sighed, his entire body sagging with it and his legs twitching around Atsumu’s ribs. He wiped at his face with a frustrated noise. “I just wish I could turn my brain off .”

“But ya can’t. So tell me.”

Never in his life did Sakusa really think that Atsumu’s bluntness would be a good thing. When they’d first gotten together he thought it would end up spurring fights, and it does, but it also helps in times like this. He doesn’t seek to reassure him or give him niceties. Blunt and to the point. “I just… I… are we sure the stove is off? The door’s locked?”

Atsumu looked at him, leaning in closer. “Pretty sure we locked the door when we came in, and I know I turned off the stove.”

“I should check,” Sakusa said, hands reaching to push Atsumu back.

Atsumu caught his wrists. “No. Yer not supposed to check. You and I both know that yer not supposed to give in to the compulsions.” He reached down gently and stroked Sakusa, he was still half hard. “So, why don’t ya watch me and think about me instead. He bumped their foreheads together. “I promise, I look really good givin’ head.”

It wasn’t easy to force himself not to act on his compulsions. His therapist would be proud of him though. He simply dropped his hands, nodding to Atsumu. Focusing on Atsumu.

Despite his traitorous mind making up issues, he did enjoy watching Atsumu. Meeting his eyes helped. He groaned and resisted the urge to tip his head back when Atsumu did something with his tongue. Atsumu had a sensitive gag reflex, so his hand was doing a lot, but it didn’t matter. Sakusa came with a strangled groan only a few minutes after Atsumu started.

Atsumu pulled the soiled condom off and tied it before rolling off the bed and walking to the bathroom.

Sakusa meanwhile, sank deeper into the sheets, boneless and satisfied. Without Atsumu there to distract him, the thoughts about the stove came back, but he forced himself to stay still. When Atsumu returned he was smiling. “Omi,” he whispered, like he was worried he’d fallen asleep.

“What?”

Atsumu crouched near the edge of the bed, peering across it at him. “I love ya.”

Sakusa blinked at him before chuckling and smiling back. “I love you too. Let me return the favor.”

Atsumu’s eyes went wide. “Ya wanna suck me off?”

“No,” he answered immediately. “But I can give you a hand.” He made a crude gesture with his hand that had Atsumu laughing.

“Alright.” Atsumu stood up and shucked his pants before grabbing a condom and rolling it on, mostly for ease of clean up. Sakusa scooted over and they laid side by side. Atsumu leaned in to kiss Sakusa and he turned his head. “I brushed my teeth,” Atsumu whined, lips still against Sakusa’s cheek. He nipped it lightly and received a smack to the chest.

“Fine.” Sakusa turned back and allowed Atsumu to kiss him.

“Gimme your hand,” Atsumu mumbled, leading Sakusa to wrap his fingers around him. It was glorified jerking off with someone else’s hand, but neither of them minded. When Atsumu came, he groaned Sakusa’s name into their sloppy kiss. He laid there panting until Sakusa snatched his hand back and sat up. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Sakusa answered. “But I think we should shower and clean the sheets.”

Atsumu hummed sleepily but sat up too. “Killin’ the afterglow babe.”

“Fuck off .”

 

Arriving at the ryokan was a blessing. “We made it!” Atsumu cheered.

Sakusa was just as happy to have finally made it to their destination, though he was far less vocal about it. The ryokan was only about halfway up Mt. Fuji, so they would still have quite a hike the next day, but this gave them a chance to relax.

“Hello. Do you have a reservation number?”

“Huh? Oh.” Atsumu dug around in his backpack and pulled his cellphone out, bringing up the confirmation email and reading out the number.

Sakusa watched, his own bag set on the floor between his feet. His shoulders were a bit sore from carrying it. It wasn’t huge or heavy, but Sakusa swung his arm wrong in practice a few days earlier and partially dislocated something. Luckily they were able to get it back in quick and the pain had almost immediately faded, but there was still a lingering soreness.

Once they were checked in and led to their room, Sakusa face-planted on the tatami mats.

Atsumu laughed at him and worked on getting their futons laid out. “You think yer feelin’ up to the baths?”

Sakusa was silent for a long couple minutes while Atsumu bopped around the room unpacking their meager belongings.

“You brought it?”

Turning his head, he saw Atsumu was holding up the yukata he’d bought for Sakusa for his birthday the month before. “Well, it seemed appropriate given we’re at a ryokan.”

Atsumu smiled and hung the garment up carefully. He’d thought it was a shame that Sakusa didn’t own any traditional Japanese clothes, especially since he was tall and pale with dark hair. He cut quite the figure in a kimono. “Come on, baths.”

Sakusa groaned and lifted himself off the floor before heading to their private bathroom to shower. Once they had both showered and changed, Sakusa into his yukata and Atsumu into the ryokan provided robe, which was basically a yukata but cheaply made, they walked down the hall to the baths.

Both of them stripped down and washed again in the showers before making their way to the baths, which were blissfully empty, but probably because this wasn’t peak tourist season. Sakusa sank into the water before folding his small towel and placing it on his head. Atsumu followed his lead, sitting close but not so close as to be suspicious if someone were to join them.

The water was still and clear, but hot and steamy. Atsumu wanted to reach between them and grab Sakusa’s hand, but he didn’t dare.

Once they finished in the baths and had dinner, they returned to their room. “Hey,” Sakusa called.

“Hm?” Atsumu turned his head and looked at Sakusa.

“Happy anniversary.”

Atsumu grinned. “Happy anniversary, Omi.”

Sakusa handed a small gift wrapped box to Atsumu. “This might seem silly…”

Slowly, Atsumu opened it. When he saw it was a key, he was, admittedly, a little confused. “I already got a key.”

“I know. But I didn’t have any other ideas for how to ask you to move in with me.”

“Oh,” Atsumu said, shocked. He hadn’t expected it at all .

“You don’t have to, I won’t be upset if you decide that you would rather keep your space so you have someplace to go when I’m being a pain in the ass. But… I’d really like it if you considered moving in.”

“I want to!” Atsumu exclaimed quickly, not wanting Sakusa to doubt for a second his willingness to move in. “I do have a couple months left on my lease though, so maybe towards the start of the season. We can probably start movin’ some stuff now though. I mean, I’m barely at my place these days anyway.” He paused. “I didn’t bring yer gift; it wouldn’t have been fun to carry up the mountain.”

Sakusa chuckled. “That’s fine. You can give it to me when we go home.”

Atsumu bit his lip to try to contain his grin but it didn’t work. He practically tackled Sakusa onto the floor, kissing him silly. He only stopped when he saw Sakusa’s hand reaching for something blindly. He sat back and gave Sakusa room to grab the small bag on the floor, handing it to Atsumu.

 He peered into the bag. “Omi, no,” he said, handing the bag back.

“No?” Sakusa asked, sounding hurt.

Atsumu shook his head, but he smiled. “No. I love ya and I ain’t gonna accidentally trigger an episode by tryin’ to fuck ya here. We can do that at home .” They hadn’t gone beyond handjobs and Atsumu giving oral, which Atsumu didn’t mind. It was nice that Sakusa wanted more, but they weren’t doing that in an unfamiliar place where Sakusa was likely to go into overdrive thinking about how well the staff cleaned the place.

“Okay,” Sakusa said, leaning forward to kiss his boyfriend again.

 

 

“Fuck!” Atsumu groaned, tossing an arm over his eyes. His hips trembled and his thighs twitched. Sakusa was kneeling between his splayed legs with three gloved fingers up his ass. Atsumu had already come twice . “Omi!” Atsumu whined, his body instinctively trying to pull away from the pressure of Sakusa’s fingers pressing relentlessly into his prostate.

Sakusa was supposed to be fucking Atsumu, not fingering him, but he’d gotten a little carried away watching Atsumu’s reactions. There was no way he was going to be able to fuck him now, not after forcing him to come twice and aiming for a third. Atsumu’s voice sounded a little pained, but Sakusa had to remember that Atsumu would tell him if he was hurting him.

After Atsumu spilled for a third time, barely anything spurting out at all, Sakusa finally pulled his fingers free and shucked the glove. He leaned over his boyfriend and kissed him. Atsumu made a noise and kissed back lazily. “I think ya killed me,” he mumbled against Sakusa’s lips. “Yer a fuckin’ sadist.”

Sakusa snorted and pulled back. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

“You didn’t finish though,” Atsumu said, pushing himself up on shaking arms, propping himself up on his elbows. “Wanna come on my belly? Not like yer gonna make me any dirtier.”

Sakusa looked at the mess and grimaced.

“Let me jerk ya off,” Atsumu pleaded, beckoning Sakusa closer until his thighs were pressed against the back of Atsumu’s. Once Atsumu got his hand wrapped around Sakusa’s length, it didn’t take long for him to come, shuddering through his orgasm and pressing his forehead against Atsumu’s.

“Now can we shower?” He asked.

“Some post-nut haze, huh?” He joked. “Yeah, go start the shower. I’ll join ya in a second. I wanna lay here for a moment.”

“You’re disgusting.”

Atsumu shrugged and laid back, his eyes drifting shut and a smile on his lips.

 

Sakusa finished his shower and stepped back into the room to see Atsumu curled up on his side, snoring loudly and still completely naked. He smacked his ass and Atsumu shot upright with a shout. He glared at Sakusa who glared right back. “Shower.”

Atsumu groaned but finally pulled himself out of the bed and trudged towards the bathroom.

 

 

Atsumu was surprised to find an empty bedroom when he came home from his run. He hadn’t been gone long and Sakusa had been working on his laptop when he left. He had muttered something about keeping up-to-date with his degree when Atsumu had asked. His eyes landed on the bathroom door, through which he could hear the shower running.

Atsumu knocked gently on the door. “Omi? Can I come in?” He waited for permission before opening the door, the first thing he noticed was the amount of steam in the room, meaning that Sakusa must have the water very hot. He saw Sakusa sitting on their little stool rubbing a washcloth over his feet.

“Thought ya were busy? Doesn’t look like ya finished what ya were workin’ on,” he said.

Sakusa looked up at him and sighed. “I felt greasy, I needed to shower.” After a beat, “Welcome home.”

Atsumu frowned and looked at his watch again. “But ya just showered 2 hours ago,” he said. He decided not to mention that he had never in his life thought that ‘greasy’ would be an adequate way to describe Sakusa. “Ya having a bad day?” He asked softly, leaning against the door he had come through moments before.

Sakusa paused in his washing and slowly turned his head to look at Atsumu. “Oh,” he said, oh- so -eloquently. “I- I hadn’t realized.”

Atsumu nodded and kicked himself off the door. “Can I join ya?”

Sakusa frowned and seemed to think about it. “Give me a couple minutes and I will get in the bath.”

Atsumu nodded and opened the bathroom door. “I’ll grab ya some clothes.”

The door shut before Sakusa’s brain had fully caught up with the conversation. He wanted to call out, to tell Atsumu not to bother. He just got home, and he probably didn’t wash his hands yet because he was planning on getting straight into the shower, which meant that any germs from outside would be on his hands, then on the clean clothes, so-

Sakusa’s spiraling was cut off when the door was opened again and Atsumu stepped back inside, wearing a pair of Sakusa’s black nitrile gloves on his hands. Atsumu held the clothes in one hand and with his other hand grabbed a clean towel out of the bathroom cabinet, laying that on the counter before placing Sakusa’s clothes on top of it.

He grabbed another towel and placed it on top of the stack before removing his gloves and washing his hands. Sakusa had to force himself to bring his attention back to washing his feet. Sometimes dating Atsumu felt like whiplash. It wasn’t uncommon for them to bicker, especially about what movie to watch, what to eat, or volleyball. That made it easy to forget just how thoughtful Atsumu could be. Sure, he did purposefully piss Sakusa off a lot, he pushed and prodded and forced Sakusa out of his comfort zone, but he would never do that if Sakusa was already having a bad day.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts Sakusa stood up and sank into the hot water of the bath. Atsumu watched him move and stripped out of his running clothes, dropping them into the clothes basket.

A few minutes into Atsumu’s shower, Sakusa finally spoke up. “I can’t believe you noticed before I did…” He mumbled, sinking into the water so the water was up to his chin. “How do you deal with me?”

Atsumu looked at his boyfriend and raised a brow. “Well that’s a dumb question,” he stated, grabbing the shampoo and tipping his head back as he washed up.

Sakusa watched the pull of muscles and sighed, “What do you mean by that?” He asked irritably.

“Can’t ya always tell when I’m aboutta have a tantrum?”

“I guess. It’s easy to tell.”

“Ya got yer own tells too,” he said laughing. “If you can deal with me screamin’ and cryin’ and bitchin’ then I can deal with you needing an extra shower.”

Sakusa snorted, it was more than extra showers and they both knew it. “I don’t know what set me off.”

Atsumu shrugged. “Dunno. Whatchya researchin’?”

“Penguins,” Sauksa answered. “Nothing there could have set me off.”

“You might have had a bad dream or something,” Atsumu said. “Though you seemed okay when I left.” After a second Atsumu turned towards him. “I thought your degree was in finance? Wha’s that gotta do with penguins?”

Sakusa pouted. “I got distracted from my original goal,” he said sulkily. Atsumu laughed, but he didn’t question him any further.

Their conversation fell quiet for a few minutes as Atsumu scrubbed his hair, relishing in the heat against his scalp. He loved showers, the heat soaking into his tired muscles, the way they could clear away allergies, the clean feeling and fresh smell. He didn’t need them in the way Sakusa needed them, but he loved them nonetheless. Once his hair was rinsed he stood, toweled off, turned off the shower, and sat on the stool next to his boyfriend in the tub. They were mostly silent except for occasional comments as Atsumu browsed social media and Sakusa reclined his head against the wall, listening and occasionally responding.

 

 

“So,” Komori started, stirring his chai and staring at Sakusa, “you’re fucking on the regular, you’re living together, you work together… Don’t you get tired of him?”

Sakusa snorted and grabbed his coffee from the barista. “No,” he answered. “He grates on my nerves sometimes but it’s not like we’re always doing stuff together. He visits his family fairly often and I go out to get coffee with you or Wakatoshi.”

“He never got jealous of Ushijima?”

“Not that I know of, but why would he?” Sakusa asked. “Atsumu is well aware that he’s the only person I’ve dated. The only person I’ve sacrificed my comfort for. He doesn’t care if I used to have a crush on him. Atsumu still talks to people he used to have a crush on.”

“How healthy of you two,” Komori noted, a slight note of teasing disgust in his tone. “How did the two most dysfunctional people I know end up in the healthiest relationship?”

Sakusa laughed, a smile playing on his lips. “Fuck if I know.”

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of To Have and to Hold, From this day forward