Work Text:
His headphones are broken.
Alhaitham stares down at them, feeling a well of frustration and anger grow. He’s supposed to be getting them maintained every six months, due to the high usage and custom specifications. He’s just been so busy with the Acting Grand Sage business and whatever else that he just… forgot. It’s been a year now, and they finally decided to give up the ghost.
It shouldn’t be a big deal. It shouldn’t be a problem.
But there’s an ache in his neck and his cape isn’t sitting right and now his headphones are broken.
Alhaitham closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. It’s fine. This will be fine. He just has to send them to the maker in Fontaine and they’ll be back in no time at all. It’ll be like they were never broken, right?
“Is everything alright?” Kaveh’s voice comes up from behind him, and Alhaitham feels his own shoulders jump in surprise. Ah, voices are so much louder when they aren’t hindered by headphones, whether they’re over his ears or not.
“It’s fine. My headphones aren’t working, I need to send them to Fontaine,” Alhaitham replies, turning to look back at the man in question. He’s waking up slowly, sprawled over Alhaitham’s bed with his hair tousled and creases left on his cheek. He looks beautiful, and Alhaitham feels something warm grow inside him looking at him. Kaveh frowns, contemplative, and starts to sit up a little as he stifles a yawn. Kaveh doesn’t have any meetings this morning, so it’s one of those rare days that Alhaitham is up before him.
“Oh. Will they be fixed quickly?” Kaveh asks, still a little dopey and soft-spoken with sleep. Alhaitham shrugs and sits back down on the bed next to him. His pants crease, and it presses up against his thighs in a way that makes his skin itch. Kaveh hums happily and shuffles closer, tipping his head to rest it against Alhaitham’s shoulder, his hair brushing over the bare skin of his neck. It tickles. The itch spreads, but Alhaitham stays still and silent.
“A few days, a week at most. I’ll head off to send them away this morning,” Alhaitham replies as he leans down to press a kiss into Kaveh’s hair. This is all new to them and Alhaitham doesn’t quite know what to do most of the time, but he thinks he’s learning. He’s getting better each day at understanding Kaveh in new ways.
“Mmm, that’s good. I feel like I never see you without them on. Your ears are kind of cute,” Kaveh continues, and he reaches up to tug on Alhaitham’s lobe. It sends an unpleasant jolt down his spine, and he instinctively jerks away. Kaveh snatches his hand back, sitting up straighter. “Ah, sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. Just… sensitive.” Alhaitham’s ear is burning from Kaveh’s touch his pants are creased and his neck aches and his cape is still sitting wrong. Something ugly bubbles up inside his chest, but he chokes it down as he forces a smile at Kaveh. “I’m going to head off to the post, you can go back to sleep if you’d like.”
Kaveh gives him a strange look, as if he doesn’t quite understand him, but smiles back and nods. He leans forward, expectant, and Alhaitham breathes a sigh of relief. He leans forward too, pressing his lips to Kaveh, and everything feels a little bit calmer. Despite everything, Alhaitham can find solace in Kaveh.
“I’ll see you when you’re home then,” Kaveh says, and Alhaitham smiles again, this time true. He stands and leaves, shaking out the crease of his pants as he goes, and makes sure to stop by the study. He has spare headphones in there, although they’re nowhere near as good as his ones.
Placing them over his head, Alhaitham can immediately tell that they’re going to annoy him. They don’t sit as comfortably over his ear which is already irritated from Kaveh tugging on it, and the sound muffling is terrible. But, it’ll do. They’re better than nothing.
When he steps out of the house, he already feels overwhelmed. Sumeru is a lively city, especially in the morning. Treasure Street is opening up, and he can already smell the spices in the air and the murmur of voices. Usually, he might find comfort in it, but right now, it just settles unpleasantly over his shoulders like something sticky and viscous. The heat doesn’t help, the humidity clinging to his skin and his clothes.
Closing his eyes, Alhaitham takes a deep breath, before he beelines straight to the postal office. A quick trip. He shouldn’t waste time out here. Maybe it’s the culmination of everything this week, but he can’t bear to be outside. The runes that he had been researching had turned out to be something completely unimportant, the fruit stall had been out of bulle fruit the other day which meant he had to eat his breakfast with normal berries which have a completely different texture and taste profile to bulle fruit, and now, his headphones aren’t working.
It’s a bad week.
Alhaitham takes a heaving breath, squaring his shoulders. Two streets over, Alhaitham can hear the blacksmith pounding away at his anvil, and he grips the box containing his headphones tighter as he enters the postal office.
Thankfully, it’s quiet inside. Quiet enough, at least. There is one little old lady at the counter, but she seems to be finishing up as she counts her stamps and leaves. She smiles, gummy and wide at him, and he smiles back as politely as he can as he steps past her up to the counter.
He quickly fills out the address form and sends it off, praying that it will swiftly return. He asks the worker to inform him immediately should he receive any mail before he departs home. The city is even livelier now, bustling about as people start their days, chatting in the streets.
It’s awful. That bubbling feeling of discomfort expands inside him as he hurries towards the house, almost desperate. His headphones slip over his ear and it’s enough to make him grind his teeth together as he adjusts them again, but it never sits quite right. They compress his lobes against his head too much, and they’re barely muffling anything at all.
By the time Alhaitham is pushing open the door to his home, he feels shaken all over with anger. He rips the offending headphones off, throws them into the study, and immediately starts to make his way to his room.
“Alhaitham?” Kaveh’s voice calls from the kitchen, and Alhaitham stops in his tracks. “Are you alright?” He takes a deep breath, letting his shoulders relax, and turns back towards the kitchen where Kaveh is. He’s cooking something, and the bubbling liquid on the stove smells strong with spices. He’s stirring it and the spoon keeps hitting the side of the pot, a rhythmic tap, tap, tap noise that feels as if it’s hitting Alhaitham’s skull directly.
“I’m fine. It’s… a warm day today,” Alhaitham says, in lieu of an explanation. He’s still learning to open himself up to Kaveh, still learning how to show him the parts of himself that he doesn’t like like the fact that every single noise, every light, every smell inside of this house feels like it’s been magnified a thousand times and it’s strangling him. He just needs to… he just needs to hide away in his room or the study for the day, he needs a break from the world just to catch his breath, and then he’ll be fine and nothing will be wrong.
Kaveh raises his eyebrow at him, looking unconvinced, and it makes Alhaitham shift uncomfortably where he stands.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” Alhaitham lies without hesitation. There’s no point in telling Kaveh if this will all be resolved soon. Kaveh sighs, and he drops the spoon he’s holding back into the pot. It hits the metal with a clank, and Alhaitham conceals his flinch at the noise that sounds like thunder. “I will be in my room reading if you need me.”
“In your room?” Kaveh questions immediately, but Alhaitham is already turning away. Of course, Kaveh picks up on that. Alhaitham tends to prefer reading in his study or in the living room with Kaveh, he rarely holes himself up in his room anymore. It’s basically admitting that something is wrong.
The door shuts behind him, and Alhaitham breathes out a long sigh of relief. It’s quiet in his room. When he first moved in, he had soundproofing installed, and it dulls all the outside noises, leaving him in his own peaceful bubble of silence. There are no heavy scents, no loud noises, nothing that can strangle him in this room. He’s alone and it’s quiet and he can finally let the tension bleed out of his body, that stifling bubble of anxiety beginning to dissipate.
He changes into soft clothes, ones that won’t pinch or rub or be too tight in weird places. Of course, his usual clothes were tailor-made to prevent that from happening, but sometimes on his worst days, he can barely stand something as simple as the seam on his gloves.
He knows he must have upset Kaveh, immediately disappearing to his room, but he hopes that he’ll understand that sometimes Alhaitham just needs some peace and quiet. Alhaitham fetches his book and sits on his bed, tucking the blanket over his legs. Despite the humidity and warmth of Sumeru, Alhaitham’s feet tend to get cold. Kaveh would pester him about wearing socks, and most days Alhaitham would, but right now he prefers having the blanket instead.
He can just hear Kaveh in the kitchen, shutting cupboard doors rather loudly and banging pots against each other. If it weren’t for the soundproofing in his room, it would very well be too much for Alhaitham, but now, it’s something he can easily ignore as he loses himself in his book. It’s an analysis of graffiti and paintings within Natlan and their cultural meaning, dating all the way back to the time of the first Archon. Kaveh would probably find it interesting. He’s always said he’d like to view Coatepec Mountain and the painted cliff faces. Perhaps they could take a trip to Natlan at some point. It would be nice to get away, and Alhaitham is incredibly interested in their concept of ‘Ancient Names’.
Time passes as Alhaitham flicks through his book. He can do this. He’ll survive without his headphones for a few days.
Finally, after however long has passed and the noises in the kitchen have long since stopped, the door to his bedroom opens. It breaks the bubble of peace Alhaitham has, letting all the outside noises filter in. Still, he looks up with a smile, expecting to see his partner smiling back at him.
Only, Kaveh doesn’t look anywhere near as happy to see him.
He’s standing in the doorway, arms folded over his chest, cheeks flushed in that way that they always are when he’s angry, and his eyebrows are furrowed.
“Are you seriously going to spend your entire day locked up in here?” Kaveh accuses, and Alhaitham frowns. Has that ever been a problem?
“It’s my room.”
“Right, so instead of spending your day off with, I don’t know, your boyfriend and helping him clean the house or make lunch or do anything, maybe just spend time with him, you’re going to sit here and read all day?” Kaveh’s voice is rising in pitch, and it sounds so much more grating to his naked ears than it does with his headphones on.
That ugly feeling, the pressure in his chest, starts to rise again, and Alhaitham snaps his book closed. Even that sounds like thunder to his ears.
“Is there something wrong with that? I should have the freedom to choose how I’d like to spend my days off in my home,” Alhaitham argues back, and a flicker of hurt passes over Kaveh’s face. He shifts on his feet, stepping further into the room. The heavy smell of spices starts to drift into the room, and a headache starts to brew behind Alhaitham’s eyes.
“I just don’t see the point in wasting a day by reading when we could be doing something else.”
“Well, it’s a good thing that you’re not the one doing it. You’re right though. Maybe I’ll just go to the House of Daena to work on some translations since apparently days off are meant for work and not for resting. A foreign concept to you, might I add.” Alhaitham doesn’t like to argue with Kaveh, contrary to popular belief. He loves to debate with Kaveh; their relationship would not be so without their intellectual and academic debates. But he doesn’t like to argue. He doesn’t like slinging hurtful words, he doesn’t like the bitter taste of them on his tongue as he spits them at Kaveh. And he especially doesn’t like the way Kaveh always looks so stung and hurt afterward, even as barbed words fly from his mouth just the same.
Right now, though, Alhaitham needs to get out. He needs to leave. His little moment of peace has been shattered and there is a welling sense of anxiety building in Alhaitham’s chest, crushing his lungs and pressing against his ribs. It leaves his skin burning and his stomach swirling and he needs to leave, he needs to find somewhere else where he can just be, instead of having a thousand questions slung at him.
Kaveh looks shocked at Alhaitham’s response, the hurt coming back to marr his pretty features, but Alhaitham feels too on edge to apologize. He stands up, forgoing getting changed in favor of brushing past Kaveh as he makes his way to the door, slipping on his shoes as he goes. He hates leaving the house in his comfort clothes, but if he doesn’t leave now Alhaitham fears something worse is going to come out of his mouth.
“Alhaitham, wait–”
“I’ll be back later, Kaveh,” Alhaitham says, his hand on the door. As he pulls it open, there’s a moment of clarity in his muddled head, and he stops to turn his head just slightly to the side, not looking all the way behind him. “I love you.”
Kaveh doesn’t have the time to answer before Alhaitham closes the door behind him.
–
The Akademiya, as he had expected, leaves him rubbed raw. It chafes his skin, making him feel like an open and bleeding wound. For a place of learning, it can be awfully loud. The flipping of pages, the clanking of pipes, the humming of students; all culminating into this pulsing rhythm of life that leaves Alhaitham scratching at his skin.
The bubble inside of his chest feels like it’s about to pop any second now. Each breath feels too loud, the air stifling, as he stumbles his way home. The seam of his gloves digs into his skin, the collar of his coat brushes over his neck, and there’s a bird that has been singing the same tune on repeat the entire walk home. It feels like his ears are about to start bleeding at any given point.
He squeezes his eyes shut as he walks up to the front door of his house. Sweat is sliding down his spine. Alhaitham is feeling everything all at once and it’s too much, it’s too much. He just needs– he needs a quiet moment, he needs a moment of peace, he just wants silence. His hands tremble as he opens the door, and immediately the heavy scent of spices hits him, making his stomach swirl.
“Alhaitham?” He hears Kaveh call, and he flinches at the voice. It’s too loud; everything is too loud. Alhaitham presses the door shut as quietly as he can behind him, slipping his eyes closed as he leans against it for a moment to breathe. “Is that you?”
Who else would it be? He wants to snarl, but he tampers it down. “Yes.”
Kaveh pokes his head around the corner, and his eyes are soft with concern as he rakes his gaze over Alhaitham’s body. He dusts his hands off on his thighs, the clap resounding in Alhaitham’s eardrums, and steps closer.
“I wanted to apologize for earlier, so I made Sabz meat stew for dinner. I’m sorry for getting worked up over nothing, you should be able to spend your days off however you like,” Kaveh says, walking even closer. He’s freshly applied some perfumes, and maybe even washed his hair. The combination of floral scents and spices makes Alhaitham feel even more sick, his stomach twisting over and his head starting to pulse with pain. His heartbeat picks up, thumping away in his chest, and he feels himself shrink against the door even more. Kaveh doesn’t seem to notice at all, running a hand through his hair as he sighs. “I just wanted to spend some time with you, but I know you’ve had a busy week. I got upset over something silly and–”
The bubble inside Alhaitham pops.
“Can you please just stop talking for a moment?” The words tumble out of Alhaitham’s mouth before he can really stop them, and he feels even worse when Kaveh flinches, hurt flashing across his face. “I can’t do this right now,” he tries to say, in lieu of an explanation, but it just makes Kaveh take a step back, looking even more hurt.
“What? I’m trying to apologize. You won’t even accept that?” Kaveh’s voice rises in pitch and it makes the pain in Alhaitham’s head tenfold. He feels caged; trapped. He can’t go back outside, he can’t, but Kaveh is blocking the way to his room and panic is slowly rising inside him, clawing its way up his throat.
“I don’t want to talk right now.” Everything he’s saying is wrong but he just– he needs to get out, he needs to get away from this conversation. He tries to suck in a deep breath but he gets choked by smells instead. His chest hurts. Kaveh looks even more upset now, face wrought with pain and anger as he steps even closer. It makes Alhaitham press himself harder against the front door, fingernails biting into the palms of his hands so hard he can feel them start to puncture the skin.
“What is wrong with you? I’m trying to– to have a reasonable conversation with you and you–” Before Kaveh can even finish his sentence, his rant that only grows in volume, Alhaitham’s hands cover his ears, muffling the sound of his voice, and instantly his legs feel weak with relief. He’s still cornered against the door like a prey animal, and something in Kaveh’s expression changes, surprise painting over it. He sees Kaveh mouth his name, but Alhaitham can’t bear to hear another word, he has to go.
Finally, he finds the strength to stagger forward, hands still clamped firmly over his ears like he’s a child again, and he feels disoriented and slow as he stumbles his way to his bedroom. He thinks he hears Kaveh call his name again, but the sound makes him flinch, muffled as it is.
The door to his room is closed. It’s such a small tiny thing. He just has to open it. But that means he has to take one of his hands away from his ears, which means he has to lose some of what little protection he has.
A very quiet and very choked noise of defeat escapes him. It might resemble a sob; he doesn’t know. He knows it makes Kaveh stop dead in his tracks behind him.
Alhaitham really just wants to sink to the floor and curl up in a ball, but he’s a grown man. He shouldn’t– he can’t give in to childish whims like that.
Slowly, he reaches out with one hand, wincing as the noises immediately make his headache come back full force, and he shakily opens the door to his bedroom. His knees are shaking as he walks inside, each step as quiet and as muted as possible. He presses the door closed just as gingerly, and Kaveh doesn’t follow him. Alhaitham can’t even bear to look up at him as he closes the door.
The second the door is closed, a heaving breath of relief escapes Alhaitham’s mouth. He’s home. He’s in his room. He made it safely. Nothing here is going to hurt him. There’s still the faint scent of spices, but it is vastly overshadowed by the fact that he’s in his room, the safest place in the world for him.
When Alhaitham sinks down into his bed, he’s hit with a shattering wave of exhaustion that leaves him reeling. It feels like he’s had to run through the entire desert in a day, the way his entire body starts to ache. It doesn’t make sense, not really, considering Alhaitham hasn’t done anything physical that would warrant this bodily response, but he’s too tired to care. He takes off his shoes and sheds his clothes as even his soft and comfortable ones feel like they’re rubbing his skin off, and he crawls underneath his blankets.
Safe. Nothing in here can overwhelm him. Still, for good measure, Alhaitham finds himself pulling the blanket over his head. It’s been a very long time since he’s felt this overwhelmed and overstimulated, and it brings back memories of his grandmother. He remembers being young and crying to her about the noises that hurt, and her soft perfume as he buried his face into her lap to muffle the world. She had always known what to do whenever he was overstimulated, and he wishes she were here now to stroke his hair and calm him down.
His grandmother is long gone now though, and Alhaitham has to deal with this alone. Maybe if he hadn’t been so against telling Kaveh what was happening, they could’ve worked it out before it came to this. Now, Kaveh probably hates Alhaitham, thinking him some kind of childish asshole for covering his ears and running when he was just trying to have a conversation with him. Once he’s calmed down, he’ll apologize. He shouldn’t be inflicting this sort of pain on Kaveh.
Alhaitham doesn’t move from the bed for a long time. He thinks he drifts off to sleep at some point, or at the very least into some kind of half-conscious daze.
It isn’t until there’s a soft knock at the door that Alhaitham really wakes up, lifting his head from underneath the blankets.
“Come in,” he calls, and the door opens slowly. Kaveh shuffles in, closing the door quietly behind him. Strangely, he doesn’t look mad at Alhaitham.
If anything, he looks rather guilty.
He walks over to the side of the bed and sits down on the side of it. Gingerly, he holds out Alhaitham’s spare headphones, and Alhaitham blinks in surprise at him.
“I made modifications to them. They should sit more comfortably, and the noise suppression should be better now. They won’t be as good as your normal ones, but I hope they’ll do until yours return,” Kaveh explains, and Alhaitham feels something warm bloom in his chest as he takes the headphones carefully from Kaveh.
“Thank you.” The words sound choked coming from him as his thumb runs over the metal of the headphones. He shifts uncomfortably on the bed, trying to find the words to say. Maybe a few months ago, he wouldn’t have bothered trying to explain anything to Kaveh. But now, he wants to. He wants Kaveh to know him, he wants Kaveh to understand him in ways he didn’t before. “I’m… I’m sorry for being so–”
“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault, Alhaitham,” Kaveh immediately cuts him off, reaching out to grasp Alhaitham’s hand. He stops just shy, looking up at Alhaitham as if he’s asking for permission. Alhaitham’s heart stutters at his words, and without saying anything, he reaches out and takes his hand, squeezing it. Relief washes over Kaveh’s face, and he shuffles closer on the bed, coming to lean against Alhaitham’s shoulder. His hair tickles Alhaitham’s skin again, but it doesn’t feel as bad as it did this morning. Just a slight itch. “Do you get… overstimulated easily?”
Alhaitham winces a little at Kaveh’s question and sighs. “Yes. I have since I was a kid. That’s why I have the headphones.”
Kaveh nods, humming contemplatively. He lifts his head for a second, brushing his hair to the side before he lays it back down on Alhaitham’s shoulder. “I’ve seen you not wear headphones plenty of times, though. Is it just that today is particularly bad?”
“It’s different when I can’t wear them because of an unexpected reason, versus willingly taking them off. It’s been a bad week as well. I should have told you earlier, I’m sorry.” Kaveh makes an unhappy little ‘tsk’ noise and lifts his head to press a kiss to Alhaitham’s cheek lightly.
“I already said not to apologize. We’re still working things out, it’s okay. Some things aren’t easy to say,” Kaveh says. He’s soft-spoken as if he’s purposely keeping his voice gentle for Alhaitham, and it means more than he could ever say. “Next time, you should tell me. And we should talk about what I should do for you when it’s happening. I’m sorry I didn’t realize earlier as well. I shouldn’t have cornered you like I did.”
“You didn’t know. I will… try to tell you when it’s happening,” Alhaitham acquiesces, and he shifts to wrap his arm around Kaveh’s shoulders, pulling him even tighter against him. Kaveh sighs in contentment, nuzzling even closer against Alhaitham’s bare chest.
“Is it noise?”
“It usually starts off that way. And then it’s touch, and smells, and just about anything.”
“Is that why you’re naked? And here I thought you were trying to seduce me as an apology,” Kaveh jokes lightly, and Alhaitham laughs quietly as he presses a kiss into Kaveh’s hair.
“We can pretend it’s that. That sounds a bit better than the fact that my clothes made me want to rip out my hair.” Kaveh goes quiet at that and presses himself a little closer. Alhaitham swallows thickly, trying to find the right words to say. “It’s… hard to talk about. But it would… help if you could be quieter. And maybe cook with less spices, when it’s happening. I like being in my room because it’s quiet here, and it feels safer.”
Kaveh nods along, and he starts to trace his thumb back and forth over the back of Alhaitham’s hand.
“Is touching you okay?”
“Some kinds of touch. I… I like my hair being stroked.” Alhaitham winces a little as he says it, but Kaveh just takes it all in his stride, humming along. “My grandmother used to do it for me.”
“Ah, I see.”
Alhaitham feels a little overwhelmed right now but in a strangely good way. He’d never really wanted to tell Kaveh about his sensory issues, in fear of worrying him or turning it into some kind of big deal. But Kaveh has taken it so easily in his stride, even after how Alhaitham treated him earlier. His chest feels warm and he feels a little lighter.
“I love you,” Alhaitham says, and Kaveh makes a soft noise of surprise as he lifts his head to look up at Alhaitham, smiling shyly.
“What brought that on? I love you too,” Kaveh asks, and Alhaitham shrugs. He leans forward, pressing his lips to Kaveh’s and they both sigh into the kiss, content.
“I just wanted to say it. Thank you for understanding me,” Alhaitham murmurs against Kaveh’s lips, and he feels the smile on his partner’s face grow.
“Of course. Now, I have your ridiculous version of Sabz meat stew ready, so let’s eat it whilst it’s still hot.”