Work Text:
Seungmin had always believed in soulmates. That there was someone marked with your words written in your handwriting on their skin, and they were made just for you. He was happy to be born with words. Well, he was happy until he wasn’t—until his words were on someone’s skin, but theirs weren’t on his.
It’s rare, so rare, that most people don’t believe unrequited soulmates exists. Most people think it must be a coincidence, but Seungmin had immediately felt a pull to Minho upon meeting him. At first, Seungmin didn’t think anything of it. He was intimated by Minho’s looks and his ease in meeting the friend group, something that Seungmin didn’t have.
They didn’t speak more than a hello and a nod, nothing too focused or with any substance. No soul marks were ever so inconsequential, so it didn’t mean anything. Usually, words were from a second meeting, if not a third, but they are always said after one another.
Seungmin wasn’t even thinking about anything but wanting to know Chan’s friend from back home. The night was a little too hectic, and Seungmin and Minho never had a chance to speak, but they circled one another as the night wore on. Seungmin can be a little shy at times and does not know when to jump into a conversation without feeling like he’s being rude, annoying, or unwanted.
He wanders from group to group, listening to what everyone is talking about, but never joins. He feels off tonight, a little more reserved than normal, but it happens sometimes when everything seems too much. He’s enjoying himself but not to his full potential.
It’s not until later, as the party is winding down and Seungmin is about to leave that it happens.
“I’ll take you home,” Minho says, and every hair stands on Seungmin’s body. He breathes deep.
“Oh, if it’s not too much trouble,” Seungmin says, watching Minho’s reaction. There’s nothing. No eyes widening, no thoughtful tilt of the head, and absolutely no jaw-dropping. Minho just smiles politely and nods.
The car ride is alright, Seungmin pushing the dread down because it could be a coincidence. Neither phrase is that unique. But Seungmin noticed his phrase, felt something when Minho spoke and had already felt a slight tug towards him.
He could be wrong, but it doesn’t feel like he is. He blames the feeling of his heart shrivelling up on the two drinks he had. Minho is nice and kind but has bite. He reminds Seungmin of himself if he were a little more confident.
Seungmin pushes his assumption away as Minho integrates into the group. It’s hard to push it away entirely because Minho keeps doing things that make him perfect. He cooks for the guys and is helpful even when he pretends he’s not. He also supports his friends in a way Seungmin wants to but has difficulty actually doing so.
Seungmin is pretty sure Minho is his type, physically. They’re close enough to the same height, but Minho is bulkier, although not bulky. Seungmin saw Minho help move Chan’s furniture, which was a lesson in control. Seungmin was ready to drop to his knees at how strong and attractive Minho was in his tank top, veins and muscles jumping.
He held back because Seungmin’s good at that. He knows Minho saw him staring, but he didn’t say anything, just gives him a wink as he walks by with a flex of his bicep that has Seungmin blushing and turning away, pretending to be busy taping up a box that was already taped.
It’s months after they’ve met, and Minho is solidly in the group, Seungmin realizes that Minho must be his soulmate. The feelings he has are not just a crush or attraction. He thinks they complement each other in ways Seungmin didn’t know were possible. Even Chan remarks that they should be soulmates, and Seungmin’s breath catches as Minho’s smile changes and becomes tighter around the edges.
Seungmin knows what that smile means, even if he doesn’t want to, even if he never usually catches things as quickly as he does now. It’s a smile that says, “Yeah, that would be great, but,” but he’s not my soulmate; he’s never said my words. And he never will.
Chan leaves after throwing the grenade without waiting for it to explode. Seungmin stays stock still, not wanting to give anything away. Minho fiddles with his fingers before stopping, sitting straight and leaning on his knees to look at Seungmin.
“It doesn’t matter, does it?” Minho asks, and Seungmin tilts his head in confusion. “That we’re not soulmates? And that we didn’t say each others' words? We could still date and have fun. Some people never meet their soulmates. What if we’re like that and we give up happiness because of the whims of fate?”
Seungmin starts to feel sick, and he swallows.
“The only people that don’t meet their mates are recluses. Most people do. You’ll meet yours, and if we’re dating and in love, what would happen? You’d leave me like you should and go with them.” Minho opens his mouth to speak. “Or you’ll stay because then your argument falls apart, and you’ll end up resenting me and wishing you had gone to them and eventually leave me. I don’t want to go through that. I like you; you know I do, but I can’t have you if you’ll only leave me in the end.”
“You could find your mate first, and I’d be in the same boat,” Minho argues, and Seungmin bites his lip and shakes his head. “I’ve found them,” Seungmin says, and he knows with absolute certainty that he’s correct. Minho eyes widen, and his mouth opens like he’s about to speak, but no words come out. This was the reaction Seungmin was looking for months ago, and it makes him ache. “They didn’t say my words,” Seungmin says, shrugging like it’s no big deal. He shrugs like he hasn’t been waiting his whole life for the kind of love a soulmate can give. True and unconditional, well, on the condition you love them back the same way. Seungmin has always wanted to love and to be loved like that.
But it’s crumbling right in front of his eyes.
“Then they weren’t your soulmate,” Minho says, “plus, we have chemistry, and Chan is right; we should have been soulmates,” Minho sounds so earnest, making the ache in Seungmin’s chest worse.
“You are,” Seungmin says, barely thinking, just looking into Minho’s bright, fervent eyes.
“What?”
“You said my words,” Seungmin says again, like it means nothing. If Seungmin downplays it enough, maybe one day, it won’t mean anything.
“And you didn’t say mine,” Minho says more to himself, trying to process it; every argument for having them be together is a point in Seungmin’s belief that Minho is his soulmate, but he isn’t Minho’s. “We could still try,” Minho says, but Seungmin doesn’t know how to respond. “If I am your mate, which I can’t believe the world would be so cruel, then shouldn’t you want to be with me?”
What Minho is saying might be true, but Seungmin knows himself and knows he’s not strong enough to carry the knowledge that the person he’s matched with doesn’t fit him in turn and that there is someone out there better for Minho, waiting in the wings to take him away.
Seungmin has never put any stock in the quote ‘tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. He doesn’t believe it. He knows that life can be unfair and cruel and shit, but that’s torture. To love and to lose it. Seungmin would rather never know Minho’s touch, his kiss, the way he fucks and the way he loves if it’s only going to be taken away.
“I’m not strong enough,” Seungmin tells Minho, feeling guilty about disappointing him, but Seungmin has to watch out for himself if no one is doing it for him. “Just,” Seungmin starts haltingly, “when you find your mate, I know you’re going to be so excited and happy, and we’re friends, so as a friend, I need to ask you a favour. Don’t rub it in my face. I’m not saying don’t bring them around or introduce them, but hold back until I’m in a better place.” Minho glares and Seungmin swallows the lump in his throat. “Please.” Minho’s eyes soften, and Seungmin can’t be here right now.
Seungmin stands and moves to the door, glad most of Chan’s things have already been moved into the new apartment he and Minho will share and he isn’t needed anymore. “Uh, I’ll see you around,” Seungmin says as he opens the door and starts to walk through. Minho's looking at him with pity, as he turns to looked at Minho one more time, and it’s the last thing he sees until he gets into the elevator, and tears blur his vision.
Seungmin wasn’t lying when he said he’d see Minho around, but time is subjective, and he needs a little for himself until he can act like the one thing he thought everyone, including himself, would have hasn’t been cruelly ripped from his grasp. It might be more than a little to get his head on straight.
Seungmin usually prides himself on being the most mature when it matters. Now is a time Seungmin could use to reflect on his life and any changes he needs to make, as well as any other endeavours, hobbies, or anything that he thinks will enrich his life and his happiness.
Seungmin doesn’t do that. He goes the complete other way. He’s drinking too much, showing up late at work, and being a waste of space all around. He knows he needs to be better.
He stops drinking and moping. He slowly integrates back into the group. He knows Chan knows but is unsure about Felix, Changbin or Hyunjin. He’ll assume that they do if the way they start coddling him more than ever has anything to say about it. It could be because he ghosted them for a month and returned thinner with sunken, tired eyes.
He soon learns that it is because they know Minho’s words are etched in his skin, but also because Minho has met his mate. He pretends not to hear the way Minho gushes about Jisung to Chan or the way he says he wants to introduce him when Seungmin isn’t around.
It’s what he wanted, but he still feels betrayed and feels like it’s unfair, and Minho is going about it the wrong way by hiding it from him. Seungmin knows he looks and feels like shit and knows it shouldn’t. Minho is trying to be nice, but it feels like knives through Seungmin’s heart. There is no good way to do this.
He disappears again. He keeps up with his friends as much as he can. He catches dinner with Hyunjin or a movie with Felix and meets Chan and Changbin for coffee. He does not keep up with Minho. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he won’t be able to handle it when Minho slips up and mentions Jisung so carelessly.
He doesn’t drink to excess or come late to work. He leaves it to his weekends to let loose, drink, and dance away his sorrows. The weekends used to be for his friends to get together, but he gives that to Jisung since it is better for everyone.
The weekend is now for hooking up with whoever catches his eye or whoever catches him. There’s something nice about being wanted, even if it’s just for a night. He feels empty after, hollowed out, but the hangover usually buffers it. His nausea and headache leaving no room for the pain in his heart.
It stops working after a while. Seungmin doesn’t get the same rush as he did before, and his hangovers aren’t as bad the more his tolerance rises. He thinks about stopping. He’s not sure being home alone on the weekends while his friends have a good time without him, as he’s slowly pushed further and further away, is the best thing for him.
Sometimes, he wishes Chan had never introduced Minho to the group so Seungmin would never feel like this. He’s sure Chan feels the same if his sad texts are anything to go by.
It’s Friday night and he’s at a bar this time. He’s come here a few times before but not very often. He still wants to drink, has to drink, but he’s not about to pull tonight; he feels like his kill count is way higher than what’s acceptable. Whatever that means. He’s started to feel dirty, and they don’t scratch the itch anymore if they ever did.
He wants something different and guesses he doesn’t give off that vibe, so anyone that approaches him wants to be fucked, and Seungmin doesn’t want to do all the work. He wants someone to do it for him. Fuck him and make him forget his own name and that Minho exists or that he’s losing all his friends. It doesn’t go that way, and Seungmin is done trying. It doesn’t make him feel better; it only makes him feel worse.
He thinks he might stop drinking so much. He can’t go cold turkey, but maybe pick up some hobbies to pass the time. Maybe it's time to make new friends. Not today, though. He will have a few today and start fresh next week.
The bartender looks him up and down when he comes to stand at the counter.
“What can I get you?” the bartender has eyes like a fox and a smile like a jackal. He seems dangerous, but for what reason, Seungmin isn’t sure.
He asks for a beer. He won’t get sloppy tonight because he wants to follow his new plan of leaving alone. The bartender serves him his beer but doesn’t walk away as Seungmin takes a swig.
“You aren’t on the hunt tonight?” the bartender asks, or that’s what Seungmin thinks he asks. He looks at the bartender with narrowed eyes and can tell by the smirk that that is precisely what was asked. Seungmin should feel a way but doesn’t. He knows he was a little out of control, and he had no hyungs or friends to stop him.
“No, I wasn’t getting what I want,” Seungmin replies, eyes locked on the bartender because he may be ashamed at how he’s acted, but he’s sure as shit not going to show this man he is. The man doesn’t seem put off, maybe a touch when he pauses before really looking at Seungmin and smiling.
“I’ll take you home,” He says as he leans his elbows on the top of the bar, bringing their faces closer together. “Show you what you’re missing.”
Seungmin feels a tingle up his spine and a swooping in his gut. He doesn’t react, and he doesn't know whether or not he should ruin his no-day streak with this man. He’s attractive. Really attractive. At first glance, Seungmin had thought him unassuming, smiling gleefully at his workmates. Seungmin thought he was soft and probably another pillow princess, making Seungmin give up the crown he never got to wear.
“Names Jeongin, by the way.” He isn’t soft, though, arms muscular, and if Jeongin picked up what Seungmin was putting down and if Seungmin is reading it right then Seungmin thinks he’s lucked tonight. Seungmin is cautiously hopeful and desperate.
“I’m Seungmin. What time do you get off?” Seungmin isn’t going to play coy if he’s already been caught out for how he’s acted in the past. There’s no point in turning over a new leaf if Jeongin can give him what he wants. It would be stupid for Seungmin not to try. If it doesn’t work out, well, he can go cold turkey next weekend.
“Luckily for you, this is my short shift, so when you finish that beer if you want,” Jeongin sounds nonchalant, like it’s up to Seungmin, which, of course, it is. Still, he looks at Seungmin intensely and hungry to a degree Seungmin has never been on the receiving end of. It has Seungmin taking a long swallow of his drink until the bottle is empty.
“Uh, I’m done?” Seungmin is a little disappointed in himself for showing his hand so quickly, but the heat in Jeongin’s eyes and the way his smile slowly widens as he licks his bottom lip make Seungmin think he never had a chance anyway.
“Well, let’s go, Seungminnie. Need to show you that there is someone out there who can take care of all your needs, don’t I?” Jeongin takes off the little apron wrapped around his waist and throws it at his co-worker before hopping the bar in a move Seungmin would call fuckboy but it's pretty hot to see Jeongin’s rippling muscles in his cut-off sleeves.
Jeongin grabs Seungmin’s hand and starts pulling him out of the bar. Things seem to be happening very quickly, which Seungmin isn’t opposed to, but it’s a little overwhelming, especially the fact that having his hand held is the most non-sexual affection he’s been shown in months. Even if it is leading to sex, it’s sweet.
“I didn’t pay,” Seungmin says as he’s pulled through the door. Jeongin looks back at him like he’s crazy, but then his face softens.
“Don’t worry, it's on me.”
Seungmin doesn’t know why he’s suddenly nervous; well, it's not sudden; he’s been nervous on the entire walk to Jeongin’s place, which isn’t too far from the bar. He’s not nervous about Jeongin or scared or anything like that, but it feels like his first hook-up when it's anything but.
“You okay?” Jeongin asks as he taps in his code.
“Uh yeah,” Seungmin says, “yes,” he says again more confidently to Jeongin’s uncertain face.
“Come on, Seungmin, if I’m about to be inside you, you're going to have to be a little more open with me.” Jeongin holds the door open with his foot but makes no move to step inside. He wants Seungmin to speak, and Seungmin blushes.
“It’s nothing. I'm just a little nervous since it's been a while,” Seungmin says, Jeongin again looks incredulous until it dawns on him.
“Oh, so no one ever?” Jeongin says, and that’s not what Seungmin meant, but it is true, and he shouldn’t lie. He’s not a virgin, but this is still a first.
“Uh, myself?” Seungmin says meekly, and Jeongin’s smile turns feral.
“Really,” it's more like Jeongin is speaking to himself, but Seungmin cannot stop talking.
“Uh, yeah, I guess I look like an exclusive top or something?” Seungmin chuckles hysterically, and Jeongin tilts his head and looks Seungmin up and down.
“Huh, not that we should be able to tell by looking at someone what their preferences are, but I wouldn’t,” Jeongin laughs, “I mean, I didn’t. But don’t worry, I'll be gentle,” Jeongin promises. Seungmin wants to butt in, but he doesn’t have to. “At first, at least.”
“Okay,” Seungmin says, nodding his head. Jeongin grins, leans over, and kisses Seungmin. It startles him into compliance, but as he’s about to reciprocate, Jeongin nips a little too hard at his bottom lip before pulling away.
“Come on in,” Jeongin says as he holds the door open and Seungmin slips inside.
It seems Jeongin was being a gentleman on their short walk, or maybe he didn’t want to slow them down on the way. As soon as the door closes behind them, Jeongin ushers Seungmin into the elevator and hits the button for floor seven and then Jeongin is on him.
Jeongin gets his fingers in Seungmin’s hair, giving Seungmin a moment of anticipation to get ready before leaning in and kissing Seungmin softly. It’s jarring in its opposition to the bite on his lip, but Seungmin goes with it. He angles his head and opens his mouth when Jeongin swipes his tongue at the seam of his lips.
But then it changes. It's not so soft and sweet; Jeongin scraps his nails at the back of Seungmin’s scalp, and his mouth falls open in a moan. At the sound, Jeongin pushes Seungmin against the wall and looms over Seungmin’s partially slumped form.
Seungmin doesn’t think he’s ever been kissed so thoroughly and aggressively. Seungmin can barely keep up, but he’s trying. It’s a lot harder when Jeongin moves his hands from Seungmin’s hair and down his back until Jeongin is cupping and squeezing Seungmin’s ass like it’s his. The whimper Seungmin lets out only makes Jeongin press his hard cock to Seungmin’s own and bite his lip again, harder than the first.
The ding of the elevator reaching the seventh floor has Jeongin pulling away, and Seungmin, confused, tries to follow to get Jeongin’s lips back. If Jeongin hadn’t hit on him, offered to take him home and kiss him within an inch of his life, he would be scared of Jeongin’s glare, but Seungmin isn’t, and he’s pretty sure it's from frustration at having to stop and continue on their way to Jeongin’s door.
Jeongin grabs Seungmin’s hand, pulls him from his lean, and wraps an arm around his waist as he directs him to the right door. Seungmin feels like he’s having an out-of-body experience, or maybe it’s because everything feels different than it usually does when he’s about to hook up.
There’s no dread which normally comes about when he knows he has to be the one fucking, that Seungmin has to be more aggressive and dominating than he is because that’s what they want, and Seungmin, has never been good about asking for what he wants. Jeongin has made it clear that they are on the same page. Seungmin hopes it lives up to his expectations.
The way Jeongin fumbles with his keys as if he’s so eager to have Seungmin makes it so Seungmin has nothing to worry about. Then Jeongin gets his door unlocked and pulls Seungmin inside. Seungmin has no time to look around the place before Jeongin is back on him, pressing him hard against the door and licking into his mouth like he’s starving, like the minute they were apart was too long.
“I’ll give you the tour later,” Jeongin says as he pulls away, then he does the most unbelievable thing. He picks Seungmin up and walks him through his apartment until he kicks a door open and puts Seungmin down on his ridiculously comfy bed.
“You carried me,” Seungmin says, unable to keep the awe out of his voice. Jeongin smirks.
“Like it’s hard?” he says as he takes off his shirt, and okay, Seungmin knew Jeongin had to be fit if his arms were anything to go off, but his chest and abs, and the stupid v Seungmin sees peeking out from how low Jeongin’s jeans are slung is not what he thought Jeongin was packing.
Arms are easier to work on, and Seungmin has been around a time or two and used to work out himself before he understood how hard it was to get a body like that, and he decided he was meant to stay lean and trim and forget about definition.
Seungmin’s a little shy about what he has to offer. It’s the life of a gay man, trying to make himself the most appealing, and maybe that’s why he’s never gotten fucked because he wasn’t good enough and now Jeongin is going to take one look at him and realize his clothes hide that he’s not as good looking as he may seem.
“You barely weigh anything,” Jeongin says as he undoes his pants, “it’s probably because you’ve been drinking more than you eat.” Hackles raise.
“What do you know about it?” Jeongin grins and doesn’t seem to be disturbed by Seungmin’s snarl.
“You’ve been on a streak of fucking everything that moves. You’re only across the street at the club, and you think I don’t see you when you don’t come to the bar? I saw you. I knew you must have either gone through a breakup or something the way you were trying to find something in every twink's asshole. Which,” Jeongin laughs, and it’s mean, “come on, I don’t know who you were trying to fool, and I don’t know why those guys thought you wanted to top them when it's plain to see that isn’t what you want. I’m not going to lie; I was waiting for you to come back over, and if you didn’t, I'd have to come across the street myself to show you what you need.”
Seungmin doesn’t know how to feel. On the one hand, being called out for his bad drinking habits doesn’t seem productive of Jeongin if wants to fuck him. But Seungmin knew he had to stop, so he agrees with Jeongin. Two, it seems a tad stalkerish of Jeongin to be watching so hard, and it's probably a bad thing that Seungmin likes it, but he does.
“There was a guy I really liked who said my words, but I didn’t say his,” Seungmin explains. Seungmin figures he can say whatever he wants since this is a hook-up. It will be a one-and-done and Seungmin will get back on track, stop sleeping around and drinking. He’ll never see Jeongin again after this so what he admits doesn’t matter. Seungmin doesn’t know why that’s upsetting.
Jeongin looks Seungmin over, and Seungmin feels opaque, and caught in Jeongin’s scope as if he can see everything, even if it’s a little blurred.
“So, you think you’re one of the infamous unrequited?” Jeongin asks, and there’s something about his tone that Seungmin can’t read. It's not sarcasm, and it's not sympathy.
“That’s why I started going out so much. I can’t be around my friends and I can’t be around him because he found his soulmate like five minutes after saying we should date. I couldn’t do that to myself, and I couldn’t do that to someone else. So, unless I find a blank, I don’t know what to do.”
“It’s a good thing you found me, then,” Jeongin says, and Seungmin beats down the urge to say that it’s actually Jeongin who found him and slightly stalked him, but whatever. If Jeongin is a blank, then that makes Seungmin feel better, so he doesn’t feel like he’s on borrowed time, even if this is just a one-night stand.
It might have to do with Seungmin becoming more reckless, so none of the blaring red flags that say this may be the worst mistake Seungmin makes yet do anything to dissuade him.
Even his insecurities start to disappear. Jeongin works out and would know that Seungmin doesn’t, and he’s touched Seungmin now, so he knows what Seungmin is working with and is naked waiting on Seungmin.
He should ask, maybe be more apprehensive about Jeongin’s size, but if anything, Seungmin just wants it.
“You need help?” Jeongin asks, and Seungmin wonders what he’s reading off of Seungmin right now. Seungmin nods, feeling shy but not uninterested, and he’s not stopping this. He doesn’t want to, regardless if it’s a mistake. He thinks he’d regret stopping more.
Jeongin crawls onto the bed and straddles Seungmin's thighs, gets his hands under Seungmin’s shirt and pulls it off. There is a split second of fear and worry and embarrassment that Seungmin doesn’t think he can hide, but he doesn’t have to worry because Jeongin isn’t looking at his face, just staring with rapt attention at Seungmin’s bare skin.
“You’re so fucking perfect, you know that?” Jeongin lets his hands rest on Seungmin’s hips and then looks up into Seungmin’s eyes. Seungmin feels his cheeks heat, and he smiles and dips his head, but Jeongin grasps his jaw. “Say thank you,” Jeongin says, voice low and Seungmin shivers.
“Thank you.” Jeongin grins and moves to suck Seungmin’s bottom lip into his mouth before licking inside and kissing Seungmin in a mimicry of fucking. Seungmin moans, and Jeongin tilts Seungmin’s head back and shuffles forward, and he’s back to looming, making Seungmin feel small and delicate and handled in a way he’s never been before.
Jeongin pulls away smiling, letting his hand run down Seungmin’s throat and stay there, a heavy pressure that has heat blooming throughout his whole body.
“Yeah, I’m going to ruin you.”
Seungmin seals his fate with one small word said breathily and eagerly.
“Please.”
Jeongin pushes Seungmin down on the bed. He shuffles backwards while undoing Seungmin’s pants and ripping them down and off his legs.
“How do you want it?” Jeongin asks, and Seungmin’s brain melts. Seungmin’s usually the one asking. “C’mon, I know, I just want you to say it,” Jeongin says, jackal smile and eyes of a fox and forked tongue peeking out.
“From behind,” Seungmin mumbles and a grin lights Jeongin’s face.
“Yeah, baby, so turn around for me.”
And Seungmin does. He’s a little wobbly and shaky from how fast everything is going. It's not much faster than expected, but there’s usually a two-drink minimum, some talking, flirting, and figuring out each other's game. There was none of that tonight. Jeongin is straight to the point, unapologetically so.
“Fuck, such a cute little ass,” Jeongin says once Seungmin settles on his hands and knees, and Seungmin can feel the flush run down his throat and to his chest. He feels unsteady like a baby deer, and then Jeongin has his big hands on Seungmin’s ass and spreads him apart.
Seungmin is waiting, feeling vulnerable and unsure as Jeongin just stares or whatever the fuck he’s doing until he feels wetness drop on his hole. Seungmin heats because Jeongin didn’t move, and that’s his spit on Seungmin’s hole; that’s his spit that he’s rubbing around as Seungmin’s hole flutters in anticipation.
Then Jeongin is leaning away and over to the side of his bed, squirting cold lube on Seungmin’s ass that has him jumping, but Jeongin grips his hip tight and stalls any movement. God, it feels good to be held in place.
Then Jeongin’s fingers get to work. They aren’t thick, but they’re long, and by the time Seungmin feels the third knuckle notching into place, the burn is enough to have him arching his back to have Jeongin sink deeper inside.
Jeongin twists his fingers and fucks in and out, and it seems rushed and uncaring, but Seungmin likes the urgency in every thrust. Jeongin is gentle as he pulls his fingers out. Jeongin slithers up Seungmin’s body, resting his hard chest on Seungmin’s back, and his skin is so warm. He licks the sweat from the back of Seungmin’s neck before digging in his teeth and making Seungmin whimper.
“You ready?” Seungmin likes that he asks, even if it's pretty much a rhetorical question. He nods, unable to speak, excitement building in his stomach and sweat breaking out on his lower back. “No, you’re not,” Jeongin murmurs into his ear, teeth catching his lobe, and sucks it into his mouth, leaving Seungmin shivering, “but I’ll get you there.”
Jeongin removes himself, and with his body heat gone, Seungmin feels cold, colder still when Jeongin leans back and entirely away. Seungmin hears the crinkle of a condom, and Jeongin isn’t touching Seungmin anywhere. Seungmin doesn’t like that.
He doesn’t have time to mourn the loss. Jeongin’s as quick as a fox, rolling the condom down and adding more lube before grabbing Seungmin’s hips and tilting him up as he lines up and pushes in, never stopping, not when Seungmin tries to squirm up the bed to get away from the intrusion. Jeongin holds Seungmin steady until he bottoms out. It wasn’t pain exactly, not much more than the burn of three fingers, but it was fear. Fear of the unknown, or fear of knowing exactly how true Jeongin’s words were. He will ruin Seungmin, and apparently, he won't let him get away.
And then the ruination begins. Jeongin starts slow, pulling out to thrust back in, enough for Seungmin to open up a little more, to get him looser, until Seungmin is trying to ride Jeongin’s cock. Jeongin nips that in the bud quickly, resituating himself on his knees, the top of his thighs pressed against the back of Seungmin’s. He moves his hand from Seungmin’s hip and runs it up Seungmin’s side, over his words, making Seungmin clench down before he meanders its way back to the middle of Seungmin’s back. He presses down firmly, pushing Seungmin down until his cheek is shoved into the mattress.
He keeps his hand there, solid and sure, so hot and big that Seungmin feels branded. Jeongin rocks in once and twice, then pulls out all the way and slams back in. He fucks Seungmin hard, has Seungmin choking on his spit as he tries to grab onto the blankets for some leverage.
Jeongin snaps his hips again and again at a punishing pace, but the angle is so good, so right, has Seungmin drooling as his cock drips, painting his thighs and the bed with every thrust ramming his spot.
He’s been making some pitiful and desperate sounds that are porn worthy and would embarrass him if he could think of anything other than Jeongin’s thick dick sliding in and out and what Jeongin must be seeing. He has to be looking. Even Seungmin looks when he’s in that position, and it feels good, but being on the receiving end feels better; lets someone else be in charge. That’s how Seungmin wanted it anyway, and that’s definitely what he’s getting. Jeongin seems to be the type to like that control with the way he’s keeping Seungmin so securely in place.
Seungmin strains at the thought, just to see what Jeongin will do, and he’s rewarded with nails digging into his hips and Jeongin pushing him further into the mattress. He fucks harder and faster as if in punishment, but Seungmin smiles as he moans because he’s getting exactly what he wants.
“You take me so fucking well,” Jeongin breathes out harshly and Seungmin bets he’s glistening in sweat the way he’s putting his back into each thrust, fucking like he’s trying to prove something. Maybe he is. He did say he’d show Seungmin what he’s missing, but he already did that in the elevator if Seungmin’s honest. That’s more than he’s had before; everything else is just the icing. And how sweet it fucking is.
“Touch me,” Seungmin whimpers out. He can’t get a hand on himself, and he’s sure that was one reason Jeongin is holding so tight.
“You'll come on my cock, or you won't fucking come at all,” Jeongin says cruelly and brings his hand from where it's been pushing in between Seungmin’s shoulder blades to grip his hip like a vice. He pounds into Seungmin, pulling him back on his cock ruthlessly, and Seungmin is just along for the ride, hard dick bobbing in between his legs, leaking all over the bed sheets.
Seungmin comes, Jeongin’s voice and words ringing in his head, and he clamps down, feeling as Jeongin continues to fuck him through it until Seungmin is spent, shoulders slumped, but Jeongin continues to use him. He pulses again at the thought and again at the rough treatment until he’s wrung dry. Jeongin finally comes after a few more thrusts, stilling with a pained groan, and then gently rocking his hips until he stops for good.
Seungmin thinks this will go how it always does or how he always does it. Pull out slowly, get rid of the condom, wipe himself down with his t-shirt and get something to quickly clean up whichever stranger he went home with. Say some line about having a good time, and leave to finish a few more bottles before throwing up and going to bed.
The only similar thing is that Jeongin does pull out slowly, running his hands down up and down Seungmin’s thighs and turning him over. Seungmin lets himself relax into the comfortable cushion of the bed, back aching from the angle it was in for so long, groaning as he stretches out. Jeongin doesn’t get up or move; he watches, letting his eyes move across Seungmin’s body.
It's awkward in the way it should be uncomfortable, but it isn’t. Or maybe Seungmin is overthinking this, like everything else. He hasn’t been sober for a hook-up, maybe ever, so to see and feel everything so clearly is odd.
Seungmin watches as Jeongin takes the condom off, ties it, and throws it unerringly into a waste basket. It's not that far, but it seems like a practised move that makes Seungmin irrationally jealous.
“You’re so pretty, Seungmin,” Jeongin says, letting his hands run up Seungmin’s legs all the way to his hips, where he lightly traces the red, stinging marks left there, and Seungmin trembles. He’s not used to this. This soft moment, or compliments, or being looked at and seen.
“Thank you, Jeongin,” Seungmin says before Jeongin has to prompt him again. Taking compliments has always been hard for Seungmin, but especially in the last few months, of feeling worthless and not good enough and thinking that happily ever after isn’t something that’s in store for him.
“I'm just going to grab a cloth for you,” Jeongin says as he gets off the bed and hurries out of his room. He’s quick, so quick that Seungmin has no time to think about his exit or what words to say before he walks home. He doesn’t want to go, but he knows the rules.
Jeongin wipes Seungmin down carefully and thoroughly. Thoroughly enough that his dick twitches and starts filling out. Jeongin notices, of course, he does, and jerks Seungmin off with the warm towel. It feels good, but it feels weird. The terrycloth texture adds something that makes his stomach tense, and his legs shake.
“You gonna come for me again, baby,” Jeongin says and hoovers over Seungmin, eyes flicking from Seungmin’s face to his chest, to his quivering stomach and his dick peeking through the cloth.
Seungmin never really liked the endearment baby, maybe because it was never said how Jeongin is saying it. It’s not said like a habit or in a sleazy way that Seungmin hears it typically. It’s nice, like Seungmin is Jeongin’s baby but not in that infantilizing way, but like Jeongin wants to take care of him. It’s a little much for a one-night stand, but Seungmin just sinks into the mattress, lets Jeongin get him off and enjoys it. He shouldn’t care about tomorrow when he’s alone again when Jeongin is right here, doing everything perfectly.
Seungmin brain turns to mush the closer he gets to coming. Jeongin leans down and kisses him sweetly, like Seungmin expected in the beginning, but it’s still not so sweet; he thinks Jeongin doesn’t know how to be that soft and that this is the best he can do—stinging nips to Seungmin’s bottom lip that Jeongin runs his tongue along to take away a bit of the bite.
“Jeongin,” Seungmin breathes against his lips, as he clenches around nothing but feels the phantom burn of Jeongin inside him and the ache at his spine. He whimpers, and Jeongin licks at his teeth, kissing him harshly, and jerks him off steadily. Seungmin fucks into his fist, and Jeongin doesn’t stop him, or hold him down, just lets Seungmin move his hips however he wants. Jeongin murmurs praises into his skin as Seungmin overheats from too much stimulation, too much care, and being touched properly, at last.
Seungmin comes quietly, with just a gasp and a low moan, and Jeongin doesn’t stop until Seungmin pulls his knees up to try to get away. Jeongin catches Seungmin’s release before throwing the cloth into his clothes bin and lying down, pushing Seungmin over so he’s on the dryer side of the bed. Jeongin doesn’t seem to care about lying in Seungmin’s spend and everything he’s leaked before that.
Seungmin’s a little hazy but doesn’t fight when Jeongin turns him on his side and spoons up behind him with an arm around him to keep him in place. He’s pretty sure he was supposed to do something, but he’s tired. It's been a long week and a longer month, and Jeongin did tire him out. It’s nice not to think, not to remember, and just to luxuriate in Jeongin’s warmth as he pulls a soft, fluffy comforter up around them, and the room goes dark.
Seungmin falls asleep, not realizing that this isn’t how this goes. This is a good thing because if Seungmin realized and had enough brainpower, he’d be jumping up and running for the hills. Instead, he sleeps and wakes up to the smell of coffee.
For a moment, he thinks he stayed with Felix because although Felix doesn’t like coffee, he always makes it when Seungmin stays over for a gaming session. But the pain in his ass as he rolls onto his back makes the memories of last night flit through his mind.
He feels panic crawl up his throat and jumps out of bed. He looks for his clothes but can’t find them. At the end of the bed is a pair of sweats that Seungmin puts on. He’s not sure why he’s panicking. If Jeongin wanted him gone, he’s straightforward enough to shake Seungmin awake and tell him to get lost. He didn’t. He let Seungmin sleep. It’s fine. There’s no need to panic.
It doesn’t really work; pep talks usually don't, but he thinks he’s a little calmer when he leaves the room. Jeongin’s apartment is lovely. It’s definitely frat boy-esque, but he’s learned a thing or two about decorating as everything matches and goes together.
The gaming setup is pretty legit, and Seungmin is jealous. He finds Jeongin standing in the kitchen, clean aside from the full sink of dishes as if Jeongin hasn’t done them in a while. But otherwise, the place is clean, but lived it. Seungmin’s apartment has started to feel like a mausoleum, everything untouched other than his bed with no one visiting and Seungmin barely living. He should probably clean when he gets home, but why? No one will see it anyway.
“I didn’t know how you like your coffee,” Jeongin says as he pushes the mug along the counter towards Seungmin. There’s milk and cream and sugar out, and Seungmin feels like Jeongin has his shit together if he can offer two types of dairy products for coffee. “I have almond milk, too, if you prefer?” Jesus Christ, three options? Jeongin really has his shit together.
“Cream is fine, thank you,” Seungmin feels jittery as he takes a tiny quarter spoon of sugar and a little dollop of cream before stirring his coffee. He takes a sip and closes his eyes at the rich flavour. It's also the good stuff, not the shitty instant coffee Seungmin chokes back before work.
When he opens his eyes again, Jeongin is watching him, and Seungmin can’t read the look. It doesn’t make him break out into a sweat, so he lets it go, lets his mind rest, and enjoys this quiet moment.
“I’m washing your clothes right now,” Jeongin tells him, and Seungmin’s face screws up in confusion.
“Why? They were clean?” Jeongin smirks.
“So, you couldn’t run away at the first chance you had. You have to wait until they’re done now.”
Seungmin stills in surprise.
“Jeongin, did you know you’re like the biggest and creepiest red flag? If I told my friends about tonight, they’d tell me never to speak to you again.” Jeongin grins at the first question, but his smile turns to a glare by the time Seungmin is down speaking.
“Maybe, but I don’t want to hurt you. I want to get to know you, and you’re very skittish; I’m surprised you came with me, but also not. Not when I said I could give you what you want,” Jeongin looks away, eyebrows raised, “as for your friends, I wouldn’t put much stock in them if they’ve left you to your own bad devices. Speaking of that, I ordered food, and it’ll be here shortly. I’m about to put your clothes in the dryer so they'll be done by the time you eat, and you can leave if you want. Or you can stay, and we can play video games if you play or watch a movie or something.” It's now that Seungmin can see a little uncertainty in Jeongin; he wants Seungmin to stay of his own accord but doesn’t know if he will.
“Yeah, uh, that sounds nice,” Seungmin says, blushing, “your setup is pretty crazy.”
A smile lights up Jeongin’s face, and Seungmin knew he was attractive, but that bright and happy smile makes Jeongin beautiful. Seungmin’s stomach drops, and he can see that this is a mistake.
He doesn’t care, pushes that feeling of dread away and takes another drink of his coffee. The doorbell rings, and Jeongin doesn’t move to get it. He stands smiling at Seungmin like he’s some sort of miracle.
“Did you want me to get it?” Seungmin asks since Jeongin is only in shorts, and Seungmin’s been making sure his eyes don’t dip. They dip as Jeongin blushes and lets out a laugh.
“No, no, I'll get it.” Jeongin turns to the door, and Seungmin watches the muscles in his back move and eyes the athletic tape or whatever it is that lines his shoulders. He didn’t notice it last night but was a little preoccupied and unable to touch as much as he wanted.
It may be a mistake, but it might be worth it.
Jeongin takes over Seungmin’s life after that. Seungmin learns quickly that it was not one-night stand. Seungmin doesn’t drink more than a beer on the weekend anymore. Jeongin has been making him some delicious virgin cocktails on the house when Seungmin drops into the bar to visit. It’s a routine now. Seungmin trudges through his weeks at work waiting for the weekend when he all but moves in with Jeongin.
Jeongin feeds him. They play video games and watch dramas and movies. They go out to dinner and karaoke.Seungmin is having fun, and he’s happy. He barely thinks of Minho anymore, only to regret alienating his friend group. He doesn’t regret it too much since they could have tried harder, especially since Seungmin was in fucking crisis, and he wouldn’t have met Jeongin if they had.
The sex is phenomenal. Ten out of ten, Seungmin would recommend, but also he wouldn’t because he’s also learned he’s the jealous and possessive sort. Although nowhere near Jeongin levels. This may be a little questionable, but it makes Seungmin so hot when some guy approaches him at the bar while Jeongin is serving customers, only for him to come back glaring and telling them to “get lost, he’s mine.”
They’re together, but they aren’t officially together. Seungmin doesn’t know what's stopping him. He may be a little gun-shy since the Minho revelation and is holding back. Seungmin thinks he shouldn’t feel how he does towards Jeongin, as if Minho isn’t anything to him, and he be fine with that. Because that’s the thing, he is fine.
He barely thinks about Minho anymore. At first, he thought it was because Jeongin kept him so busy and entertained and focused, but even in their downtime, when nothing much is going on, and Jeongin is reading, head in Seungmin’s lap while he plays with his hair, he’ll make himself think of Minho, and that ache isn’t there.
Sometimes, because this is the type of person Seungmin is, he’ll think of losing Jeongin. It doesn’t feel like it did with Minho. The pain with Minho was a phantom ache of all the what-ifs and could-have-beens weighing painfully heavy on Seungmin, suffocating him and making him lose all hope of anything good. It was a dramatic and selfish hurt.
With Jeongin, it's different. Seungmin will lose his breath, eyes tearing up at the thought of being without Jeongin. Not like with Minho, where he was upset at being left alone. Jeongin, who, although a year younger, has helped him not just fully realize his sexual preferences, not just help him stop drinking and acting recklessly, but also supports and cares for Seungmin. He shows Seungmin how to do the same for him.
It’s the most unselfish Seungmin has ever been in his life, and it feels like he’s cheating. It feels like Jeongin gives and does anything he wants and gets nothing in return, but apparently, that’s not true. Jeongin only wants Seungmin, maybe with more confidence, but he takes Seungmin as he is. Seungmin loves it as much as it makes him feel he should be doing more.
Jeongin, the second weekend together, made Seungmin invite him over to his filthy, unlived in apartment. Seungmin was sure Jeongin would take one look at how Seungmin was living and turn right around and not want to deal with it. He didn’t.
“It’s not that bad,” Jeongin says cajolingly, knocking their shoulders together as Seungmin avoids eye contact. “You’re in a slump, and I bet normally you’re a clean freak to an annoying degree. So, some dust, a few piles of clothes, and some garbage? It's nothing.”
He got a garbage bag, the last one in the box, and moved through Seungmin’s apartment like he belonged there, like it wasn’t his first time being there, and picked up the garbage from Seungmin's bedroom, bathroom, living room and kitchen and placed it by the door.
“How about you dust and wipe everything down, and I'll start soaking those dishes. We vacuum after?” Jeongin says it so easily, as if it's not a waste of part of his Saturday to be cleaning some guy he just met’s place. Seungmin can’t even form words. It's so shocking, and he nods his head. Seungmin grabs a cloth and his stupid-looking duster as Jeongin moves to the kitchen. He starts in the living room; all the dust on his TV stand and coffee table is making him insane.
Once he starts, it’s quick work, and he meets Jeongin in the kitchen, who hasn’t let the dishes soak but has started washing them. He’s wiped down the counters and the little table Seungmin used to eat breakfast at when he was actually eating breakfast.
“I’m going to clean the bathroom, and I'll get the vacuum after,” Seungmin says, and Jeongin nods. Seungmin should notice how tense Jeongin is holding himself and how he doesn’t speak. Even in the short time they’ve spent together, Jeongin always replies. Seungmin doesn’t, as he's too focused on the fact that he hasn't cleaned his shower and toilet in over a month.
Seungmin gets really into cleaning his bathroom. He goes to the sink and cleans that before moving on to the toilet and the floor. He scrubs his shower from top to bottom, pleasantly surprised and slightly guilty at hearing the vacuum. He shakes the guilt away. If Jeongin didn’t want to, he wouldn’t have.
After cleaning, he showers all the sweat and grime from his body, and leaves the bathroom in just a towel. He thinks Jeongin’s help and his initiative should be rewarded and considering how into Seungmin he seems when he kept him over all of the last weekend to the point Seungmin had to limp embarrassingly and smugly into work on Monday, it will go over well.
Jeongin is sitting at the breakfast table when Seungmin walks in. He looks annoyed, which isn’t something that Seungmin is familiar with from him. He tries to rack his brain on what he could have done but comes up empty.
“Innie?” Seungmin calls uncertainly, and Jeongin turns to look at him. There’s the heat in his eyes that Seungmin has come to expect, but with it is something else that Seungmin can't put a finger on.
“Finished in the bathroom?” Jeongin asks, and Seungmin nods, feeling meek. Jeongin nods back. “You hungry? You were in there a while, and you must have worked up an appetite.” Seungmin knows that whatever answer he gives is going to be the wrong one. Jeongin is trying to make a point that’s currently flying over Seungmin’s head.
“I could eat,” Seungmin decides, figuring he may as well go with the truth. Jeongin stands and walks over to Seungmin’s fridge.
“Well, let's see what you have to eat, shall we?” the point is becoming clearer, Seungmin thinks at least. Jeongin opens the fridge, and it's bare, with some condiments, some leftover takeaway that’s way passed spoiled, and nothing else. “I already looked at the takeaway. When we get more garbage bags, it needs to be thrown out. Now, let's look at your cupboards,” Jeongin opens all eight cabinets, four upper and four lower.
They’re bare. Some crackers, a half bag of rice, and a few odds and ends that nowhere near makes up a meal, or not one that anyone will eat. Seungmin moves his arm to cover his ribs, which are showing a little too much these days, and Jeongin catches it and narrows his eyes.
“I came here to see you, hang out and fuck. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind cleaning and helping you get back on track. Like I said, it really isn’t as disgusting as you think it is. But this,” Jeongin waves his hands to encompass the fridge and the cupboards. “This isn’t acceptable. So, I’m going to grab something for us to eat. You will get dressed and write a grocery list, a proper one, with fruits and vegetables and meat, as well as snacks and drinks and everything. Then we’ll go shopping, okay?”
For a moment, Seungmin wants to rage. He wants to ask Jeongin who the fuck he thinks he is to come into his home and not only judge him but command him to change. It passes quickly. Because there’s no one else here, there’s no one else seeing Seungmin at his lowest, and there’s only Jeongin who wants to change that.
“Okay,” Seungmin says and turns to get dressed. “I've been working late, so my company orders in, so it's not like I’m not eating.” As soon as it was out of his mouth, he knew it wasn’t much of an argument, but he wanted Jeongin to know he wasn’t completely starving himself.
“And?” Jeongin snaps, and Seungmin shrugs and carries on his way.
His front door doesn’t slam when Jeongin leaves, but he knows Jeongin wanted to.
Seungmin gets dressed and tries to use his wiles on Jeongin to make him less upset by wearing Jeongin’s hoodie, which he left without wearing. It's not cold now. Well, Seungmin is always cold, but Jeongin runs hot, so he won't need it when they go out later, and if he does well, Jeongin can ask for it back.
Seungmin writes a few things down, and he figures it doesn’t matter what he writes since Jeongin will probably take over, which is fine. Seungmin has never liked to cook and isn’t all that good at it, so maybe Jeongin will know what’s best.
Jeongin comes back looking less tense, and then he looks at Seungmin all wrapped up in his clothes, and Seungmin watches him clench his fists. Seungmin keeps his satisfaction off his face.
“That’s not going to work,” Jeongin says as he puts the food on the counter.
“What’s not going to work?” Seungmin asks, confused because it's already working, or it was.
“Just because you’re being cute doesn’t mean we aren’t going shopping.”
Jeongin takes out some subs from the bag, and Seungmin really is hungry. He’s not going to admit that the last thing he ate was a couple of slices of pizza at seven o’clock last night, and he hasn’t had anything today as it's nearly two o’clock.
“I’m fine with going shopping,” Seungmin says pushing the list towards Jeongin, “you didn’t take that long, but I started. We just can’t go too crazy since I don’t get paid again until next week, and I just paid rent.”
Jeongin takes the list and reads it before giving Seungmin a look.
“What? Foods are written on that list,” Seungmin sputters, and Jeongin rolls his eyes.
“Oranges, cucumbers, ice cream and meat.” Seungmin doesn’t see the problem. “You just wrote meat, and none of that makes a meal,” Jeongin sounds exasperated but fond.
“I'm more of a girl dinner maker when I have something. I can’t cook. If you were looking for a housewife; it's not me.” Jeongin sighs.
“How are you about eating the same thing for a few days?”
“If it's tasty, then I’m fine. I don’t really care.”
“Okay, are you allergic to anything, or is there anything you hate?”
“I don’t like tomatoes or black olives,” Seungmin says, “and mushrooms. But everything else I’m good with, why?”
“Because tomorrow we are going to meal prep your lunch and dinner for the next week. And pick up some quick breakfast things you don’t need to cook. But I swear to god, you better eat them and not throw them out or let them go bad, or I'll make you live with me where I can shove the food down your throat.”
“Kinky,” Seungmin says as he grabs for his sub.
“I mean it,” Jeongin says, and he’s serious. Seungmin takes a bite, chews and swallows as Jeongin watches.
“Good,” Seungmin says when it becomes apparent that Jeongin is looking for an answer. “But I’m going to have to suck your dick before we go, and I mean it.” Jeongin smirks and shakes his head.
“I told you being cute doesn’t work.”
“Pretty sure it does.”
Seungmin drops his towel.
Seungmin doesn’t know why he’s holding off. They were holding hands by day one, getting tested at the end of week one, and domestic by week two. Seungmin would say he’s in love if it wasn’t completely insane. Seungmin feels like he should feel like he’s betraying Minho, and he doesn’t. He doesn’t. Seungmin’s at a point where he hopes Minho and Jisung are doing well.
He knows Jeongin, the psycho, is holding off since Seungmin’s been skittish at times, two steps forward and no texts back for a day when he thinks they’re moving too fast. Seungmin doesn’t want them to slow down but thinks he’s supposed to.
He wasn’t ever with Minho, but it’s similar to a rebound, and he doesn’t want Jeongin to be that. It doesn’t make any sense, and Seungmin knows that. He knows he’s placing societal ideals of what to do and who to be, and how to live on himself when no one gives a fuck but him. Who’s going to tell them they’re moving too fast? Would Seungmin even listen? Of course not. But he hems and ha’s because it's too good to be true.
Jeongin sprouted up from absolutely nowhere. He saw Seungmin fucking everything that moved and still came onto him when he was a fucking mess. He took Seungmin home and kept him and took care of him and continues to do so. Seungmin can’t wrap his head around why. Why him? Why is something good happening to him when he feels he doesn’t deserve it? Why does he think he doesn’t deserve it? He didn’t work at it, and he didn’t put his blood, sweat, and tears into Jeongin like Jeongin has been doing for him. He doesn’t feel it's fair or even. He feels off balance all the fucking time, and he doesn’t want to.
That’s his problem. He can’t accept that it’s not fair and in his favour. But he knows if Jeongin needed anything from him that he’s not giving him already, he’d do it or be it or make it happen. Maybe that has to be enough. Maybe it's not about checks and balances and being in the red. Maybe Seungmin has to stop keeping score, if only because if he doesn’t, he'll lose when being with Jeongin should only ever feel like winning.
Seungmin feels good. He feels great. He’s taken a different approach to their relationship. He’s even texted Felix and said he’s been so busy with his boyfriend. He thinks Felix doesn’t believe him, but he’s planning to make Jeongin take a picture with him today to prove his existence and show Seungmin that he isn’t languishing away. He feels a way that he’s only not rotting because Jeongin picked him and fixed him, but whatever, sometimes that’s the way it goes.
Seungmin, who would hesitate to text or stop by Jeongin’s place or the bar without prompting, started to show more initiative so Jeongin wouldn’t feel like he had to chase him. The other staff would make sure to reserve a seat for him on nights Jeongin was working. Seungmin was surprised to find that Jeongin owned the place and could easily switch shifts since he still liked tending bar to accommodate Seungmin’s schedule.
Seungmin even -gasp- started going to the gym. He mostly sticks with cardio and smaller weights to get some definition but does not attempt Jeongin’s routine. It works out since the mirrors in front of the treadmills give an excellent view of the weights. Seungmin is not a good gym partner since he usually can’t help but make Jeongin leave once he’s looking extra hot, with sweat dripping down his body and veins popping. Jeongin isn’t opposed and says he can still get a workout by throwing Seungmin around now that Seungmin has got to a proper weight.
Seungmin hasn’t jumped Jeongin today, figuring he should finish two of his three weekly workouts. He’s doing his cool down as he watches Jeongin on the pull-down machine, muscles flexing. He’s wearing contacts instead of his usual glasses since they slip and fall when he sweats, so he knows what he’s seeing is actually what he’s seeing.
Jeongin always always always wears muscle tape just under his shoulder. He said it was due to an injury and only takes it off when necessary. There was no reason not to take that as the truth, but Seungmin’s heart stops as he stares. The tape is peeling up just a bit, and Seungmin can see black ink. He can’t make out the words or the script, but he knows a soulmate mark when he sees one.
It can’t be. Jeongin said he was a blank. Or he didn’t technically say it, but he implied it. Jeongin insinuated Seungmin had nothing to worry about with them not matching one another.
He thinks he’s going to be sick. He slaps the stop button, feeling dizzy. He steps off the machine and takes a drink of water before turning back around to see the tape fully pressed down, with no mark in sight.
He can pretend he didn’t see it. Jeongin obviously doesn’t care. Jeongin loves him. Seungmin knows he does, even if it hasn’t been said. He feels it in every kiss and touch and smile, it pours out of him, and Seungmin has been sucking it up like some slavering beast.
He can’t do it, though. He can’t live his life in fear, which is what he’d be doing, trying to hold on so tight just to be so easily and frivolously pushed away, all that love sucked into a black hole, leaving Seungmin suffocating.
“Hey, you ready to leave?” Jeongin asks, startling Seungmin out of his reverie.
“Yeah,” Seungmin says, feeling so small. A tiny, minuscule nothing in the story of Jeongin’s life because he’s not the love of his life, and he’ll end up being just a small footnote in the chapter before Jeongin finds his one and only. Jeongins' hand is in his as they get on the subway, but Seungmin already feels erased.
“Is something wrong? You’re so quiet?” Jeongin runs his hands through Seungmin’s hair, and he has to clench his eyes tight and push down the sorrow engulfing him. He wishes he could stop time right now and stay in the moment forever, but the bell chimes signally they’re at their stop.
“I have a headache,” Seungmin lies, it’s more of a heartache.
He doesn’t want a confrontation. He doesn’t want to get angry at Jeongin. If Seungmin has to end it he’ll have plenty of time to be angry alone. Time to scream, cry, and rage. He doesn’t want to ruin this time when he’s already devastated.
Jeongin wraps his arm around Seungmin's waist as they walk from their stop to his apartment. Seungmin will have to walk alone soon, with no strong arm to steady him, support him, and be there warm and sure. He’s going to fucking lose his shit. He has to steady himself at the door.
“Shit, is it another migraine?” Jeongin asks because Jeongin knows every little thing about him, and Seungmin didn’t know the one crucial piece of information about Jeongin. Seungmin nods because if Jeongin can lie, then so can he. “Okay, let's get you inside and get you in bed.”
Seungmin follows, feeling like a puppy led to the pound. Jeongin gets him inside and takes off his clothes while Seungmin lets him, not helping but not stopping him either. He’s left in his boxers as Jeongin helps him into bed.
“Will medicine still help?” there’s a point of no return with Seungmin’s migraines; take a couple of Advil right when it starts and maybe, maybe, it’ll stave it off. He doesn’t have a headache, but it's for pain relief, so Seungmin nods his head, hoping it will get rid of the pain in his chest and the cramping in his stomach.
Jeongin hurriedly leaves the room to grab some. Coming back with a bottle of water, Seungmin takes them, wondering if it’ll work like a placebo. After Seungmin swallows the second pill, Jeongin puts the water on the nightstand, shuts the curtains, and turns out the light.
In the darkness, Seungmin feels a little safer. Jeongin can’t see him, and he doesn’t have to know that Seungmin is slowly unravelling because Seungmin isn’t sure anymore. He was so sure that not taking a chance to date Minho was the right decision because he didn’t believe that it was better to love and lose it than never to try. Right now, he’s stuck. He doesn’t regret Jeongin.
Seungmin isn’t even really that mad about the lie. He’s not sure he could sincerely say he wishes he never met Jeongin. Seungmin couldn’t say he would rather he never got to know Jeongin or love him without it being a bald-faced lie. All he knows is he wishes it didn’t have to be this way.
Maybe everyone was right. Perhaps some things are worth the pain. He knows he believes it now as Jeongin slides into the bed beside him and holds him close.
The real test is in a few days when he’s alone, truly alone, because it feels like he’s being ripped in two. He knows Jeongin will take all of Seungmin’s happiness, love, and sweetness when he leaves. He may as well give Jeongin the bitter and bloody leftovers of Seungmin’s raw and barely beating heart to keep until Seungmin means nothing to him anymore, and he throws Seungmin away.
He feels empty and cold and hates himself as he snuggles back into Jeongin’s warmth.
“Sex might help,” Seungmin hears himself saying.
“What?” Jeongin asks confused.
“Sex can either make it go away or make it worse. We may as well try, right?” Seungmin says because he’s apparently a masochist and wants to hurt himself. Maybe he needs one last time together to start getting Jeongin out of his system.
Yeah, he doesn’t believe it either.
“Are you sure? If it's going to make it worse, we should wait it out,” Jeongin says gently as he strokes a hand through Seungmin's hair. Seungmin shakes it out. They don’t have time. Seungmin is giving himself this respite before everything goes to shit again, but worse because Jeongin isn’t going to be there to fix him.
“It'll be the same no matter what; this way, there’s hope,” The words come out stuttered, tasting like ash. There’s no hope; there’s just a barren wasteland spread out before Seungmin. But it doesn’t matter—nothing matters. Seungmin needs to feel Jeongin one last time.
“If you’re sure,” Jeongin murmurs as the bed shifts, and Seungmin hears the bedside drawer open. It squeaks a little, and the noise normally makes Seungmin smile—no sneak attacks in this room. Not today, today, it's just another stupid thing Seungmin is going to miss.
Jeongin flings the comforter back and moves down the bed to pull off Seungmin’s underwear, removing his own right after. Each brush of Jeongin’s hands sends sparks through his body, and everything is so much more heightened in the dark when Seungmin doesn’t know what Jeongin will do, and even when he does.
Like when Jeongin spreads his legs and kneels in between, his thighs scorching against Seungmin’s bare skin. The snick of the cap opening makes some of the cramping in his stomach go away in anticipation. Seungmin knows this and can relax into the feeling of Jeongin’s finger pressing inside.
Jeongin is gentle, careful, and probably worried about adding undue pain to Seungmin to go along with his migraine. Seungmin cracks a wry smile in the dark. Too fucking late for that now. One finger becomes two with added lube. Jeongin’s taking his time and being as thorough as he can. Seungmin doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want nice and gentle. He’s never wanted that. He wants to be fucked. He wants to be fucked like this is the last time because it is, but Jeongin doesn’t know that. All he knows is that Seungmin is in pain, and he wants it to stop.
“More,” Seungmin begs as he tries to ride Jeongin’s fingers.
“Hey, calm down. I don’t want to make it worse.” Jeongin's gentle voice rubs him the wrong way. He’s already made it worse, and better, and so much fucking worse than Seungmin could have imagined because Seungmin has never loved anyone before, not until now, not until Jeongin came and turned his world upside down. Or maybe he turned it right side up, and Seungmin doesn’t know how to live like he did before.
It’s only been a few months together, but it's felt new and exciting yet well-worn with love. Seungmin can’t fault Jeongin for caring about him, and he can’t demand more than Jeongin can give. He stops begging and lets Jeongin carry on, opening him up slowly as if he’s as fragile as glass.
The third finger doesn’t even burn when he adds it; Seungmin’s hole sucks it in like Jeongin belongs there. He’s never going to have this again. He’s never going to feel this again. Tears silently roll down his cheeks, and Seungmin breathes with his mouth wide open to hide the harsh breaths he lets out slowly.
Time blurs, passing by with whimpers and moans and tears hidden in the dark. Jeongin’s quiet, which he never is, and it's another stark reminder that this isn’t like it was before. Jeongin lines himself up, and Seungmin holds his breath like he always does, letting it out in time as Jeongin pushes inside.
Seungmin loves feeling full. He always had an inkling that he wanted it but not that he needed it. Jeongin showed him that, just to take it away, to leave Seungmin empty and wanting for the rest of his life.
He’s not going to recover from this. He can see that now. Jeongin bottoms out and keeps himself still for a breath and then two, and leans down and licks into Seungmin’s mouth so sweetly that Seungmin can’t breathe. He can’t see, and he can’t hear, and he can’t think of anything other than Jeongin isn’t his. Jeongin feels like he’s made for him, but that’s not true. It was never true.
Fate or god or destiny didn’t mark him with Seungmin’s words or Seungmin’s with his. They aren’t meant to be, even though Seungmin would really, really like them to be. Seungmin surges into the kiss as if, by some miracle, that would change things and fuse them together so they could never be parted. Defy fate and spit in its face, saying this one's mine; I don’t care what you declare.
But a kiss is nothing more than a kiss, and it can’t save them even though Seungmin swears Jeongin’s lips saved him.
His tears flow faster, and Seungmin can taste the salt on his tongue. Jeongin can, too, and pulls away.
“Baby, if it hurts too bad, I need to stop,” Jeongin says, pulling away, but Seungmin clutches at his arms, nails digging in.
“No, it’s fine,” Seungmin says, throat raspy, but Jeongin shakes his head; Seungmin can feel the movement. Cold panic grips Seungmin with the thought of Jeongin pulling out and pulling away from him, and he takes what little strength he has and holds onto Jeongin with his knees and flips them. Seungmin moans at the angle change, split apart by Jeongin’s girth.
“Easy, easy, what's gotten into you?” Jeongin runs his hands up and down Seungmin’s flanks like he’s a wild animal. And maybe he is. He feels out of control like he has no grasp on anything in his life, nothing to tether him. So why be in control? Why doesn’t he get to take, to steal Jeongin away and make sure he never finds his mate?
Maybe that’s not possible, but Seungmin can make Jeongin remember him; every time he slides into his soulmate, every time he fucks them, Jeongin will wish it was Seungmin. He may not be Jeongin’s soulmate, but he will make sure he marks Jeongin just as thoroughly as any soulmate could. Make him remember, make him yearn so Seungmin isn’t alone in his longing.
Seungmin doesn’t answer in words just pulls himself up and drops himself down on Jeongin’s cock, punching a gasp out of him. Seungmin does it again and again and again until he’s mindless with it. It's more pain than pleasure with the burn in his thighs and the pure focus he has to put into fucking himself rather than being fucked, but Jeongin is writhing and moaning beneath him, and Seungmin feels powerful.
That changes on a dime when Jeongin flips them back over and gets Seungmin’s legs notched on his elbows, giving Seungmin no leverage as Jeongin fucks back in hard and mercilessly.
“Ah ah ah, baby,” Jeongin says, the words slithering up Seungmin’s spine. “I thought we both knew I was in control.” Jeongin is hoovering close, their chests kissing as he breathes the words into Seungmin’s mouth that’s clenched tight, as tight as Jeongin’s hands are gripping the meat on his thighs, thumbs digging in painfully.
He hides a sob in Jeongin’s mouth, makes him eat and swallow it and pretend it never happened. The tears flow down the sides of his head, getting caught in his hair, and when Jeongin pulls out just enough to thrust back in the fall and tickle his ears. He feels wrong. He feels like he’s too big for his body, swollen and tender and tingling in that way just before he has a panic attack.
Jeongin doesn’t notice because Seungmin doesn’t want him to.
Seungmin kisses him like it’s the last time because it is. He squirms back in Jeongin’s cock so Jeongin can tighten his hold, and there’s nothing pleasurable about their teeth clacking and Jeongin fucking and Seungmin close to coming even though he doesn’t know how he got there, but it doesn’t feel good the way it should. It feels bad. Bad how Jeongin can hit his prostate with procession, bad how he knows just how to kiss Seungmin like he’s special and means something, bad with how Seungmin will love and hate and curse the handprints left on his skin and mourn their loss as the purple fades to yellow and then disappear like they were never there. Cruel how Jeongin’s hand can perfectly wrap around his weeping and throbbing cock.
“Come, baby, I know you’re close.” Heartbreaking how in tune Jeongin is with Seungmin’s body, and crushing how he’s not allowed to be in sync with Seungmin’s heart and mind how Seungmin wishes. Seungmin may belong to Jeongin, but Jeongin doesn't belong to him, so he has to let go.
Seungmin comes holding in a sob, face screwed up, and head aching. Jeongin thrusts once, twice fucking into Seungmin’s clenched heat and comes with a low moan that Seungmin will never hear again.
“Did it work?” Jeongin says through panting breaths, and Seungmin thrashes his head side to side on his damp pillow.
“No,” Seungmin says, voice trembling, a new flood of tears at the ready. “It made it worse.”
Seungmin lays awake in Jeongin’s arms as Jeongin sleeps peacefully. He’s cried himself out, sobbing into Jeongin’s chest, shaking and trembling and shivering, trying to get closer, to bind them together, but it didn’t work.
It didn’t work, so Seungmin rolls out of Jeongin’s grip that’s gone lax, making sure not to wake him. He finds his clothes in the dark and sneaks out of the room. He looks a mess, and the light hurts his eyes. His face is blotchy, and there are tracks of dried tears down his cheeks and gunk in the corner of his eyes.
His entire body aches from his head to his toes, and Jeongin’s come is dripping down his leg. He wipes his face with a cloth and gives himself a cursory wipe, ensuring nothing will leak noticeably on his pants. Jeongin will notice he’s missing soon and he has to be quick.
He doesn’t want to scream, fight, or yell. He’s tired and hurt and doesn’t want to go but can’t stay here. He can’t stay in the comfortable lie because he can’t fucking see Jeongin with anyone else. He can’t have him come to him, all earnest and genuine, and tell Seungmin that he found his soulmate. Or hear Jeongin say that Seungmin has to understand and he has to be with them.
He's not fucking dealing with that.
He’s not fucking dealing at all, but he is leaving. He puts on his shoes and takes one last look at the apartment that he assumed he’d be moving into sooner rather than later because Jeongin is insane. He leaves his key on the counter and shuts the door behind him. His chest feels lighter and hollowed out; it must be his heart, that he left in Jeongin’s bed.
Seungmin never learns, or maybe he only learns the hard way. He hasn’t been back to his apartment in days, and his phone is almost dead. He doesn’t care about anything. There’s a little tiny voice in the back of his head screaming that he’s being stupid and he should think clearly, but his fourth glass of whiskey drowns it out as he sucks back like a shot.
He feels beautifully numb. The voice is finally silent. He’s looking around a club on the other side of town. He can’t be anywhere near Jeongin. He needs to get over him; the only way Seungmin can do that is to get under someone new.
He’s too drunk to notice that this isn’t the type of bar he should be in. A little more rough than he’s used to, but he’s still getting eyes like he’s some succulent slab of meat and it’s as invigorating as it is nauseous.
He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be anywhere other than wherever Jeongin is, but he has to kill that part of himself or die a slow and agonizing lonely death. He is doing this to punish himself; he’s aware, but he also may be doing this to punish Jeongin a bit, too.
It’s true he didn’t want to fight, but he still wants to hurt himself, not with the ache of loneliness or the emptiness he feels, but with pain bright and sharp to make him feel anything but numb. Because he didn’t really need the drinks to make him feel numb since he was already there, he needed them to make him go through with this instead of crying in his motel room bed that he’s renting by the hour and soon he won't be able to afford.
Seungmin’s eye catches on a man at a table in the corner. He’s been watching Seungmin. There’s no mistaking what he wants and how he wants Seungmin, unlike all the others before Jeongin and before Seungmin stopped settling and started taking by getting taken.
He sends a smile the man’s way, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He doesn’t want this, but he needs to do it. In punishment, repentance, or sacrifice, he’s not sure which. The man comes over, a swagger a little too pronounced. Up close, Seungmin can see why he took a second look.
The man looks like Jeongin. He has similar hair and features, but his smile is different, as are his eyes. They don’t look at Seungmin in a mixture of hunger and love; there’s no love here; this isn’t about that. It's about fucking, so this man looks at him with nothing but lust, like Seungmin’s only function is to slake his pleasure.
It makes him sick, but he accepts a drink from the man. He talks, laughs, and entices as his stomach rolls, and he has to swallow the lump in his throat. The man caresses his hand, and he feels a jolt of panic. He shouldn’t be touching Seungmin. Only Jeongin should be touching him. This is wrong. This is so wrong.
Seungmin is too far gone to back out now. He lets this stranger, whose name Seungmin doesn’t even bother to remember, lead him to the dance floor. Touch him and grind on him in ways that feel like betrayal. Each caress, each brush of lips against Seungmin’s ear, have Seungmin trying not to flinch back from pain, little stabbing sensations that fill his mouth with saliva, the urge to vomit pressing up his throat.
The man brings him to the alley, which is fucking romantic, and kisses Seungmin like he’s allowed. He is, but he isn’t. Every part of Seungmin revolting at the smooth slide of lips that aren’t Jeongin’s. The swipe of tongue has him turning his face away and breathily heavily trying to fight the urge to gag.
The man doesn’t notice, or maybe he just doesn’t care, as he takes Seungmin’s jaw in his hand and turns him towards him, kissing too aggressively and holding Seungmin too tight. He presses his body hard against Seungmin’s, and Seungmin can feel he’s hard, and in contrast, how soft Seungmin is. He kisses down Seungmin’s neck, biting too hard and Seungmin winches.
He breaks out in a cold sweat when he tries to twist away, but the man’s nails dig into his face, holding him in place. He’s stuck. He’s stuck, and he can’t move, and he doesn’t want to be here. He had to crawl out of bed to get here, and he just wants Jeongin. He wants to go back to when he was wrapped up in Jeongin’s arms in Jeongin’s apartment in his bed and never leave.
He should have pretended. It would be better than this. He needs to leave. This is a bad decision. Nothing short of a lobotomy will help get over Jeongin because Jeongin isn’t something to get over. Getting fucked by someone else will only make it worse.
“Stop,” Seungmin mumbles out as he tries to turn his head away. He gets his hands on the man's chest to push him away, but he’s solid and sturdy, and he’s not moving. He locks his arms around Seungmin tighter, and panic blurs Seungmin’s vision as his breath comes out in pants and his stomach drops.
This is wrong. Seungmin doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be touched. He wanted to go home. He wants Jeongin. He just wants Jeongin.
He fights harder, stomping his foot on the stranger’s as hard as he can. The man drops his arms, cursing, but Seungmin doesn’t let up; he can’t; he knows how these things go. He pushes the man away with all his might and kicks out when the man is a little further away. Seungmin’s foot connects hard with his shin, and the man, drunk and now stumbling, leaves an opening for Seungmin to run.
“Fucking tease!” Seungmin hears as he rounds the corner, but he pays it no mind.
He runs and runs and runs for what feels like forever. He doesn't stop even with his body buzzing with panicked nerves, breathing too quickly, and too many black spots blurring his eyes. He stops when he can’t hold back the urge to vomit, letting loose on the sidewalk. All alcohol and bile burning his throat, his nose stuffed and dripping snot and his eyes blurred by tears.
He sees a bench a few meters away and moves to sit. It's like trudging through quicksand, and he feels like he might be dying. Fitting that he’s drunk, and alone, and so dirty from the hands of that asshole.
He sobs to himself. He doesn’t hold back. There’s no one around to hear or care. That makes him cry more because he did this. He did this to his friends, and he did this to Jeongin. Sweet Jeongin. Seungmin doesn’t even care that he lied. He wants him back. He just wants to apologize for going about this in the worst possible way.
With shaking hands, he takes out his phone. Missed calls and texts flood his home screen, mainly from Jeongin. His tears fall freely and silently, as he hiccups and unlocks the screen.
He presses Jeongin’s contact.
It rings once and twice, and Seungmin whimpers. What if he doesn’t answer?
Jeongin picks up on the third.
“Seungmin?” Seungmin can’t even pick apart the tone. Is he angry? Relieved? Sad? Frustrated? Tired? What time is it? What day is it?
“Jeongin,” his name trembles off Seungmin’s tongue, shaky and frightened. Jeongin breathes heavily.
“Are you drunk?” Jeongin asks, but he doesn’t sound happy. Of course he doesn’t Seungmin is a piece of shit that left without a word and didn’t answer calls or texts for days, and hid away like the coward he is because he couldn’t face reality.
“I'm sorry.” Seungmin knows it's not enough. “I’m sorry that I’m the worst and left like I did, but I guess you don’t have to worry about that because you have your soulmate to look forward to.”
“Seungmin, what the fuck are you talking about?”
“I saw your mark at the gym. It’s okay that you lied and said I didn’t have to worry because I am thankful I got to have you for the short time I did. Who fucking knew Tennyson was right?” Seungmin laughs, but it's not funny, and he’s crying too much, feeling like the punchline of a joke.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Jeongin lets out harshly, and Seungmin hears the beep that his phone’s death is imminent.
“Well, my phone is about to die, and that’s all I wanted to say. To tell you I’m sorry for how I ended us even if it was inevitable.”
“Seungmin, I swear to fucking god. We are not done. It's not inevitable. Send me your location right now, you drunk bitch.”
“Why?” confusion heavy in Seungmin’s voice. Why is Jeongin even bothering?
“Send me your fucking location. I’m not playing around.” The anger should scare Seungmin, but it only makes him feel warm. He’s weak, so he sends his current location with seconds to spare as his phone shuts down.
The alcohol left in his bloodstream and the after-effect of calming down from panic leave Seungmin in a haze. He doesn’t have to worry that he has no clue where he is. He doesn’t have to worry that Jeongin isn’t his soulmate because he’s still coming to get him. Even if he shouldn’t, Seungmin will take all the scraps he’s given before he’s abandoned and soak up all the love and affection to remember on cold nights by himself once Jeongin finds his soulmate.
Seungmin is being shaken awake, confused and disoriented. Seungmin smiles dopily when he sees Jeongin’s face.
“Hey,” Seungmin says and Jeongin looks fondly resigned.
“Come on, I’ll take you home,” Jeongin says, and Seungmin's spine straightens painfully as he sits up, almost bashing their heads together.
“You said my words!” Seungmin says excitedly before deflating. “That’s not written on your skin. I saw the first word was “no.”” Seungmin doesn’t think he’s drunk anymore, but he’s exhausted and sensitive. Jeongin is here but isn’t his, and tears fall from his eyes. He doesn’t think he’s stopped crying since he saw Jeongin’s mark. He should be a dried husk by now.
“This is your one pass,” Jeongin says as he wipes away Seungmin’s tears. “I miscalculated, and you’re going to be upset with me but trust me, everything is going to be okay. Everything will be perfect, so let me get you home and in bed and let you rest. I promise to explain everything in the morning, okay baby?”
Seungmin’s face screws up in a sob as he pouts and nods his head. Jeongin is here and nice, saying everything is going to be perfect. Seungmin trusts him, but he doesn’t believe it. How will everything be perfect if Jeongin isn’t his?
“Are you going to keep me?” Seungmin can’t help but ask. It’s the only way things could work out perfectly for him, and Jeongin must know that, but he needs confirmation.
Jeongin squats down to Seungmin’s level, balancing himself with his hands, clutching Seungmin’s knees. He looks sad. Seungmin doesn’t like that he looks sad and reaches out to cup his cheek.
“I’m keeping you forever,” Jeongin says as he leans into Seungmin’s touch. Seungmin feels a lightness bubbling up within him, but it’s tempered by hesitancy. He wants to believe so badly, so he leans in and presses his lips lightly against Jeongin’s.
“You’re going to be mad at me,” Seungmin says, and Jeongin's eyes zero in on Seungmin’s throat. He nods his head slowly and exaggeratedly and sucks his bottom lips into his mouth. He lets it pop back out, all shiny and slick, as he puts his hand out for Seungmin to grab, which he does immediately, and clutches tight, never wanting Jeongin to let go.
“You’re going to be mad at me too,” Jeongin tells him as he helps Seungmin into his car and hurries to get in on the other side. “I almost want to say you’ll be madder than me,” he says thoughtfully when he’s settled, letting his thumb come up to run across the bite mark on Seungmin’s throat. “Really depends how far this went, though,” the words are tinged with possession, and it makes Seungmin shiver, feel needy, and turned on, so different from his earlier pain and sickness.
“I didn’t,” Seungmin argues as Jeongin starts the car. Jeongin sends him a dark look.
“You better not have.”
Jeongin brings Seungmin to his apartment. He stripe Seungmin down and runs a bath. Seungmin thinks Jeongin is a mind reader because his body is so tense and achy, maybe from panic and strain, but there’s a niggle saying that’s not all it is.
Jeongin gets in first, but Seungmin doesn’t dare look at the mark that he knows is in clear view. He doesn’t want to burst his happy bubble so quickly. Jeongin has Seungmin sit between his legs. It’s perfect; all those little stabbing pinpricks from the stranger's touch seem to heal instantly when their bare skin presses together.
“Do you forgive me?” Seungmin asks because Jeongin never answered before, and it’s important. Jeongin sighs.
“You can never do that again. You can’t just make up your mind and leave and not tell me,” Jeongin says, clearly upset. “I didn’t know where you were. I couldn’t fucking find you. You weren’t at home. Your door got kicked in, by the way. Where the fuck were you for the last three days?”
Three days is all it’s been? It feels like a lifetime to Seungmin.
“I went to a motel,” Seungmin tells him, and Jeongin breathes out in relief. Seungmin doesn’t know what Jeongin was thinking, but it was nothing good by the feel of him relaxing to Seungmin’s words.
“And you went to the other fucking side of the city to-” Jeongin cuts himself off, breathes deep again, and puts his arms around Seungmin’s middle and pulls him closer. “I forgive you because you don’t understand. I forgive you because I can’t do anything else. I love you; you get that, right? You get that I’ve been holding those words back even when they choked me because you weren’t ready.” Seungmin nods his head, hair scratching against Jeongin’s firm chest.
“I love you too,” Seungmin mumbles, lips mouthing the words against Jeongin’s skin.
“Just relax now, baby, I’m here,” Jeongin says, nuzzling into the top of Seungmin's head. And finally, all at once, all the tension and the hurt and the aching, festering wound in his chest feels heavy again and healed. Seungmin likes to think he has his heart back, but technically, it's not his; it’s Jeongin’s beating strong and sure in his chest, filling up all the empty and hollow places so much Seungmin feels like he’ll burst with it.
Seungmin wakes up overheating but energized. Jeongin is wrapped around him like a very possessive octopus. If Seungmin tries hard enough, he can pretend these last few days didn’t happen and that soul marks don’t exist, even if the one on his side tingles where Jeongin’s hand is covering it.
Seungmin, thankfully, doesn’t have a hangover. Puking really helps with that, as well as the two glasses of water Jeongin forced on him before bed. He does have to pee badly. He tries to wiggle out of Jeongin’s hold, but he just clutches tighter, pulling Seungmin more fully into his hold, which Seungmin didn’t think was possible.
“I need to pee,” Seungmin loudly announces, and Jeongin starts shaking with laughter as he pushes Seungmin away.
“Don’t want you to pee on the bed,” Jeongin says, smiling wide and eyes bright even though they’re still swollen with sleep.
“Yeah, seems more like your thing,” Seungmin says, giving Jeongin a look that says he has Jeongin’s number. Jeongin dips his head as if to say, touché.
“Wouldn’t be my target, though,” Jeongin says, smirking.
“A poor, unsuspecting casualty of the laws of physics,” Seungmin says as he walks out of the room.
After relieving himself, he washes his hands and face and goes so far as to brush his teeth. When he comes back into Jeongin’s room, Jeongin is rolled over and hugging Seungmin’s pillow. His back is on display, and Seungmin can’t look away from the words on Jeongin’s skin with a familiar scrawl.
No, I wasn’t getting what I want.
He watches Jeongin breathe in and out, body barely shifting, but enough to know he’s fast asleep. The night Jeongin picked him up flutters through his mind.
“You aren’t on the hunt tonight?” the bartender asks, or that’s what Seungmin thinks he asks. He looks at the bartender with narrowed eyes and can tell by the smirk that that is precisely what was asked. Seungmin should feel a way but doesn’t. He knows he was a little out of control, and he had no hyungs or friends to stop him.
“No, I wasn’t getting what I want,” Seungmin replies, eyes locked on the bartender because he may be ashamed at how he’s acted, but he’s sure as shit not going to show this man he is. The man doesn’t seem put off, maybe a touch when he pauses before really looking at Seungmin and smiling.
“I’ll take you home,” He says as he leans his elbows on the top of the bar, bringing their faces closer together. “Show you what you’re missing.”
“You fucking cunt!” Seungmin screeches and Jeongin jolts awake, twisting and turning to get out from the tangle of blankets. “I can’t believe you didn’t fucking tell me! I can’t believe you made me think we couldn’t be together! What the fuck, Jeongin!” Seungmin’s voice is way too high by the end of his hysterical questioning.
Jeongin untangles himself from the sheets and puts his hands up in placation. Seungmin can only glare even if he’s really happy about this discovery, but still, what the absolute mind fuck?
“Remember I said I would explain?”
“Well, get the fuck to explaining,” Seungmin snaps, and Jeongin’s lip twitches, and Seungmin glares harder. “Are you laughing?”
“No,” Jeongin says, but his shoulders are shaking. “But if I was, it's because you look so cute when you’re angry. Like an angry little kitten or puppy.”
“Jeongin, focus. Why are my words on you?”
“Because we’re soulmates,” the duh, is heard around the world.
“Jeongin,” Seungmin grits out, and Jeongin’s amusement dries up.
“I guess the question you want to ask is, why didn’t I say something or tell you?” Jeongin asks, and Seungmin nods his head. “Well, let's look at it from my perspective, shall we?” A cruel upturn to Jeongin’s lips makes Seungmin’s heart beat painfully in his chest. “I went to work on the weekends and sometimes I saw this adorable guy that I couldn’t help but be drawn to. Watch him drink and take home a different guy from my bar or the club across the street each weekend. I was interested, but I didn’t know why. Guys just looking to score aren’t generally my type. But something about you made me keep watching and see that you didn’t even want to be out and were being reckless and punishing yourself.” Jeongin licks his lips angrily and looks away.
“Then you come back to my bar, where I’ve served you multiple times by now, but you never noticed me, and maybe I’m vain and arrogant and overly confident, but I don’t like that, especially from you. So I talk to you, and low and behold, you say my words. They aren’t the type of words to be confused about, so when I spoke to you, I was waiting for some acknowledgement, something to tell me you understood, and I got nothing. You heard me, but you didn’t hear my words. You didn’t even know they were tattooed on your skin.”
Seungmin feels sick. But Jeongin doesn’t stop.
“But I’m no quitter, and I know you’re my soulmate regardless of your lack of reaction. I excused it because you were obviously going through something, and I admit mine weren’t the clearest, and you’ve probably heard them before. So I take you home, and you tell me you have an unrequited soul mark, and I want to bash my fucking head against the wall. Because you didn’t, and you don’t have an unrequited soulmate, you have me,” Jeongin smiles, but there’s no amusement or warmth, just a show of teeth. “So, I fuck you how you want to be fucked, and I take care of you, and I learn you, and I think you must be doing the same. You must have come to the realization of who I am to you. You relaxed and accepted me and us, and I was so sure you didn’t want to bring it up.”
“You always wore the tape to hide it. Why would you think I would know?”
“Yeah, I did fucking hide it at first because you were so sure Minho,” Jeongin spits the name out like a curse, “was your soulmate. I only realized later that you assumed I was unmarked. By then, I didn’t want to bring it up until you wanted me. Maybe I’m a dick, but you thinking someone else was your mate and continuing to think that even after we were together? It's not a good fucking feeling, so I don’t know; maybe I needed you to prove we belonged together instead of just me all the time. Then I think you’re embarrassed, so you don’t want to bring it up because you feel bad. But no, you’re so fucking delusional and so set in your ways that it doesn’t even cross your mind why we're perfect together, why we are so fucking insatiable and can’t spend any time apart. You probably didn’t even realize why it hurt you and made you sick to let someone else touch you and kiss you when it’s supposed only ever be me.”
“No, because you never fucking think, or no, you overthink until nothing makes sense, and you can rationalize your completely ridiculous viewpoint, and you run from me. You run from me! You leave me, and I have no idea where you’ve gone or why you’ve gone. Until it clicks, until I realize how fucking stupid you are and figure you still believe that there is someone out there for me who isn’t you, like an idiot,” Jeongin spits his last word, turns away, and goes silent.
All of Seungmin’s righteous indignation has been steadily beaten out of him with every word out of Jeongin’s mouth. Seungmin feels small and stupid and horrible. There’s one thing about Seungmin that hasn’t changed. He still doesn’t want to fight.
He lets his shoulder drop to make the oversized t-shirt Jeongin put him in last night fall, artfully showing off the tip of his shoulder, clavicle, and throat. He knows the bite mark from the asshole is on display as well. It's a risky move, but if he knows Jeongin at all, he’ll be forced to replace it with the indents of his own.
“No,” Jeongin says when he turns back to Seungmin, probably wondering about the silence.
“No, what?” Seungmin asks coyly, and he takes a step forward and then another.
“I told you being cute doesn’t work on me,” Jeongin says as he steps back, bumping into the bed and sitting down. Seungmin walks faster, using this as his opening to straddle Jeongin’s waist.
“But you forgive me. You said you did,” Seungmin runs his hands up the back of Jeongin’s neck and into his hair. “And you love me, I love you, and we’re soulmates.”
“Seungmin,” Jeongin tries, but Seungmin doesn’t let him, and pecks him on the lips before smiling. Seungmin can see the fight die out of Jeongin, and the anger, frustration, and embarrassment of Seungmin’s willful blindness leave him with a huff.
“Hyung, I know being cute works,” Seungmin says, trying a different approach, which definitely works with the way Jeongin clenches his eyes and his fists tight, gripping Seungmin’s waist in the process and letting out a groan of defeat.
“It won’t always work on me,” Jeongin says once he opens his eyes and pretends to be unaffected.
“Really?” Seungmin says and runs his thumb just under Jeongin's shoulder where his words are, and Jeongin shivers. “Pretty sure this means it will.”