Biohacking With Nora

by ChaiaEran

Summary:

“Hey, Ruby, wanna make some DIY girl juice with me?”

“I… not really, no? I have plenty of estrogen already, and I’ve got Pharmacare paying for it, so I don’t really need to—”

“C'mon, let’s make illicit chemicals in our bathtub while we watch Madoka Magica!”

Notes:

minor content warning for, like, a one-sentence depiction of some kinda-gorey stuff

It started, as many bad ideas did, with Nora having a bright idea after a food coma.

“Hey, Ruby, wanna make some DIY girl juice with me?”

Ruby blinked, briefly taking in Nora’s expression of sheer delight as she held a steel bucket with a black spade painted sloppily on it, filled to the brim with various glass bottles of chemicals of dubious origin. She rattled the bucket at her, and Ruby failed to fight off a smile. “I… not really, no? I have plenty of estrogen already, and I’ve got Pharmacare paying for it, so I don’t really need to—”

“Aw, c’mon! What if you get stuck out in the wilderness on a long mission and you run out of girl juice? You gotta learn how to make more!” Nora rattled the bucket again. “Let’s make illicit chemicals in our bathtub while we watch Madoka Magica!”

“I’ve never actually seen—yeep” Ruby was abruptly cut off as Nora grabbed her by her hood and dragged her into the bathroom. Ruby watched in slight bafflement as Nora began mixing chemicals. “Do you… do this often?”

Nora barked a laugh. “Uh, duh! I spent years on the road with Ren, I had to know how to make my own E. And now, my loyal apprentice, I pass the art onto you.”

“Uh… who taught you how to make your own—”

“Don’t worry about it.” Nora continued to mix chemicals together through processes Ruby couldn’t even begin to understand, humming a little tune to herself as she did. The pungent smell that began to permeate the bathroom was nothing like the vials Ruby used, and the thought of putting what Nora was cooking up in her veins filled her with nothing but dread, especially when Nora winced. “Whoops, that’s not supposed to happen.”

“What? What’s not supposed to happen?”

“It’s not important!” Nora chirped, casually dumping the entire witch’s brew down the drain, “we’ll just start over!”

And yet, when Nora took stock of her ingredients, she found herself frowning. “Aw, damn. I’m fresh out of horse piss.”

Ruby’s voice rose an octave. “Horse what?”

Nora shrugged. “Horse piss. The urine of a pregnant mare has conjugated estrogens in it that can be extracted for DIY HRT.”

“Pregnant… horse piss.”

“Yep! That’s what Premarin means. Pregnant Mare Urine.”

“I hate everything you just said.” Ruby wrinkled her nose.

Nora pouted. “Well, without more pregnant horse piss, we can’t homebrew any estrogen,” she sighed, “It’s a shame, too, I was really looking forward to teaching you how to do it.”

And so, Ruby Rose was left in the unenviable position of being Contractually Incapable Of Letting Anyone Down Ever. “Can you get more?”

Nora shook her head. “My dealer’s got COVID-19.”

“What’s CO—”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Nora slinked away, disappointment etched into every line of her body, bucket of illegal chemicals swinging forlornly in her limp hand, the creak of the handle’s hinges echoing the emptiness in Nora’s soul, deprived of the opportunity to pass down her ancestral knowledge in the arts of homebrew estrogen.

Ruby watched this display with all the grace and emotion of a person who was physically unable to prevent herself from going along with atrociously bad ideas if they made her friends feel better, no matter how self-destructive, dangerous, or just plain stupid the ideas were.

“Pregnant mare urine, huh…?”

It was a stretch… but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Ruby pulled out her Scroll and called her sister.

---

Ruby walked down the well-trodden dirt road through Patch, the full moon shining down in the dead of night, an ill wind blowing and making her wrap herself in her cape. A far-off bolt of lightning split the sky, and several seconds later Ruby heard a peal of thunder.

She didn’t like what she was here to do. She didn’t think anyone would. But sometimes, a girl had to do what a girl had to do. Satisfied that she’d fulfilled her cliché quota for the day, she pulled her hood over her head and carried on, hoping to outrun the rain as she made her way to the log cabin in the woods.

Dad wasn’t awake. It was better that way.

The wind howling around her, she kept walking past the chicken coop, past the barn, past the well-loved Compost King-brand composter, and finally to the stables. She hefted the sliding wooden door open, a torrent of rain finally breaking just as she crossed the threshold into the dark outbuilding. The raindrops drummed on the roof as she made her way past the geldings, then the stallions. All were asleep, silently thankful for the roof over their heads as the thunderstorm raged. Finally, she arrived at her dread target: the stall that contained Dad’s prize mare, his pride and joy, the horse that was like a daughter to him.

Ruby hesitated at the stall door. This was a bad idea. No, a terrible idea. What was she even doing? Why was she even entertaining this line of thought? She should just go home and wait for Nora’s guy to recover from Co-whatever. A little delayed gratification never hurt anyone.

Only then she remembered how disappointed Nora had been, the limp swing of the bucket as it carried on in its dispirited parabolic doldrums, devoid of gender juice, and of course, devoid of Puella Magi Madoka Magica. She couldn’t just leave her in such a state. Not if Ruby wanted to be the good friend she’d always prided herself on being. She had to get a good grade in friendship, something that was both normal to want and possible to achieve.

She bolstered her courage, and pulled open the stall door.

“Hey, sis!”

Ruby stepped into Yorse’s stall, taking in the various band posters adorning the walls and the shitty off-brand cereal swimming in a sea of milk in the feed trough. The horse herself was reclining on a feather bed, stomping Adam Taurus to death with her hooves. Ruby squinted. “What, uh… whatcha got there?”

“A smoothie.”

Ruby briefly took in the now thoroughly homogeneous mass of blood and pulp on the ground between Yorse’s hooves, and nodded slowly. “…Aaaaanyway, I have kind of a weird ask? I need some pregnant mare urine? It’s for Nora,” she hastily added, forestalling any potential questions.

Yorse nodded sagely. “She’s making DIY HRT again, huh? She usually sends for it once a month, but Sun’s got COVID, so I’ve just been sitting here. It’s been so boring since Worse and I had our Freezerburn divhorse.”

“So, uh… is that a yes?”

Yorse shrugged with her horse forelegs. “I’ll call Blake.”

---

Ruby walked up to Nora with a dead-eyed thousand-yard stare and deposited a vial of horse piss on her desk.

“Never ask me for anything ever again. Now let’s make some fucking Girl Juice.”

Notes:

if you feel betrayed by the presence of Yorse untagged in this fic, just remember... it could be Worse.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 5 of Shtusfics