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She slashed away her feelings, trying to bat them away. Those that she bottled for so long but now we're right in her face:
She was a good bad friend... She was someone not forgettable but someone hard to love and trust... A seasonal friend and just like a summer love after a while she will just be a memory for those she cherished.
And she will lose all her friends, only her family will remain. Those 2 precious persons that were so fundamental that couldn't just drift away.
But what if-
She refuses to acknowledge that thought, this was not the time and only one crisis was allowed at a time.
Now she is sad and troubled. Does she deserves to feel that way?
Someone had the right to be close to whoever they wanted and to stop being close to anybody as well. Changing her for someone else was in their right. She would never tell them what to do.
So there was no way for her to interfere with that and she would never accept to manipulate others to stay. That was just not her.
Maybe she was better alone... Came from that voice. Small and deep inside, she was always there. Maybe that voice didn't occupy a big space but it was in a deep part of her soul and couldn't be erased.
She had no way to contradict it with logic except for the shy "but I don't want to" that was also deep inside herself too. Maybe that was enough? She wasn't sure but it was definitely what she hoped for.
And well, she did it again! She moved past the issue to something else completely just to not address the hole
The one that was in the middle of her chest absorbing everything and leaving only a void. It may have not been visible but it was there anyway. The hole remind her of her fears as much as it took everything else, those about being replaced, not being good enough and being left alone again. Because she was never quite good enough right? She was good, great even! But never quite there, you know?. She was not good enough.
And that hurt... A lot.
She was not good enough to make her dad want to be a father, even when he loved her (or so he said) That was her first big fail. For sure not the last.
She has been failing for a long time and it only took the realization that a friend she loved dearly may not think of her as a close friend anymore for her to notice it.
That run deep and hit a bleeding spot. At the end she always failed her friends, even those she thought were fine, they weren't alright and that was her fault too. For not asking, for not being there, for not being a better friend, an actually good one.
Y como puede ser tan egoísta de agarrar el dolor ajeno y responsabilizarse a si misma. Una maldita narcisista.
(...)
That was something to cry about for sure...
But she already cried a lot, now she was just tired and numb.
That was perfect, there was no hole in the numbness. There was just foggy feelings that didn't quite reach her.
Time to bottle them again.