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“Buck!”
The man in question flinched, then winced as a shooting pain shot through his ass into his lower back where he had shifted on the chair. He looked up at Eddie, who regarded him with crossed arms and pinched eyebrows.
“Are you okay?”
“Y-yeah, all good.”, Buck said too quickly, averting his gaze again, feigning to focus on his bowl of cereal instead. It had been a quiet shift, only one call early in the morning, so everyone had spread out through the station to exercise, go through checklists or have a quick nap. The loft had been empty, hence why Buck had chosen it as his current hiding place. Not that he had anything to hide from, he loved spending time with his coworkers, but recently his energy to pretend to be Buck was failing to keep up with him and he found it easier to be by himself. He hadn’t thought that his attitude had changed much in the last few weeks; he had tried to keep up with the smiles, jokes and banter, but after Hen had pulled him aside for the second time to check on him, Bobby had asked him to cook with him for the third time and Eddie’s gaze being on him at, what seemed, all times, he knew he had been doing a bad job.
Eddie had dropped into a chair next to him, sitting close enough that their thighs were pressed together. A familiar weight that almost made him sigh. Being around Eddie was easy, touching Eddie was even easier, so his recent avoidance of social situations had presented him with a lack of the two. And he missed his best friend, his partner, his-
Eddie nudged him gently. “Are you coming over for dinner tonight? I’ll make lasagne.”
Oh, how he’d love to. He hadn’t seen Chris in about a week and knew that the kid missed him just as much.
“Can’t.”, he tried to plaster a smile onto his face. “Tommy’s off early today and wants to watch the game with his friends.”
“And that means you can’t come over?”
“He wants me around, too.”
A partial truth, at least. Things with Tommy hadn’t been easy recently. The first few weeks after they had established their relationship had been amazing. Soft kisses, loving words, quality time that felt like home. But then their relationship had become more physical. Buck, being unexperienced in any sexual endeavours with men, had been hesitant, but open to experimenting and Tommy had pushed, and pushed to the point he felt like baby for turning him down. So, he had said yes. To everything Tommy asked of him. Because when he tried to say No, when he spoke up about feeling uncomfortable, Tommy got this look in his eyes. The one that sent a shiver down Buck’s back, making him feel like his boyfriend was unhappy with him, retreating. Tommy had cancelled one of their dates a few weeks ago, had said he got stuck at work, but Buck knew it was because the night before, tired from long, busy shift at the 118, he had asked if they could just cuddle and sleep. It wasn’t that he didn’t like having sex with Tommy, of course he enjoyed it, and Tommy had a body to die for, it used to make him drool just thinking about it. It wasn’t so much that, then the fact Buck seemed to not get the hang of it. Having sex with women had never felt this way, he had never been sore the day after, it had never hurt during to the point he had to force himself to cum. Being the bottom of the relationship wasn’t the problem either. He liked the idea of being pressed into the pillows, someone kneading his ass cheeks as they opened him up, muttering praises into his ear. But in his fantasies the hands were gentler, pressing into the right parts of his body, kneading through his hair as he went down on his knees in front of the other man, the words were more “God, yes, Buck, fuck, you’re doing so good for me.” and not “Try take it deeper, Evan, breathe through your nose.”
The memory short-circuited something in his brain, and he abruptly pushed himself away from the station dining table, taking his bowl with him as he got up. He could feel Eddie’s eyes on him. Voice tainted with worry as he said:
“Buck, listen, if you don’t-“
“I think I’ll go take a nap.”, Buck interrupted him with a loud, theatrical yawn, like he hadn’t heard him speak up. Managing to jog down the stairs without wincing some more.
He didn’t go over to Eddie’s that night. He laid in Tommy’s bed, alone, hearing his boyfriend laugh and shout with his friends a few doors over. Sleep didn’t come for him, so when Tommy finally made it into bed hours later, smelling like beer and cigarette smoke, Buck rolled towards him and let him capture his lips. Pull him closer. Take off his top. He pretended not to pretend it was someone else touching him. Someone with dark hair, dark eyes, a mustache tickling his lip, and a faded station 118 LAFD t-shirt on.
The week went on and Buck’s mood didn’t improve, like he had hoped initially. If anything, he felt even less like talking to people. Dodged Maddie’s calls where he could, calling her back at times he knew he was going to be busy so he could keep the calls short, tried to spend more time talking to Jee than his sister, who threw him glances he knew were concern. But she didn’t ask.
Another week passed and it was another slow shift, when Bobby caught him in the kitchen of the station, leaning against the countertop as Buck was digging through the cupboard for a glass.
“Buck.”
Buck didn’t turn, focused on his search.
“Buck.”
He manoeuvred some plates out of the way, nearly dropping one when Bobby’s voice sounded closer, a hand coming down on his shoulder:
“Kid. Stop.”
He did. Hoping Bobby wouldn’t notice the slight shake of his shoulders, the way he tried not to look at the older man while still being respectful.
“I won’t ask if you’re okay, because we all know you’re not.”, Bobby said, his voice lowered. “But I want you to promise me that you’ll tell me if you need help.”
Did he need help? No, of course he didn’t. What was there to help with? It wasn’t Tommy’s fault that Buck sucked at relationships. Where he used to be good at the physical side of things, he now wasn’t either. And it put a strain on their relationship. But that was on Buck to fix. Nobody else. And it wasn’t like he could ask Bobby for advice on how to be less of a whuss as a bottom in a male relationship.
“I will.”, he said regardless.
Bobby kept his hand on his shoulders for a few more moments, squeezing softly. It nearly sprang tears into Buck’s eyes. Why couldn’t he just be better being a boyfriend? Or at least not make people worry all the time?
He tried to ignore the concerned gazes of his friends as he turned down dinner on shift the week after. And lunch on the shift after that. It wasn’t that he wasn’t hungry, but he didn’t have the energy to sit at the table with everyone, trying to follow along conversations so he could pretend he was taking part. He sat by himself on a bunk bed in the sleeping room instead. Or tried to, at least. Eddie came in a few minutes later and tossed himself onto the opposite bed. Arms crossed behind his head; legs crossed at the ankles. Just being there. Like he had done for the last few weeks. No matter how far Buck had pulled away, how much he had tried to distance himself, Eddie was always there. Sitting next to him, or at least close by. A hand on his thigh, or on his shoulder, pulling him into a hug at random times when they were standing close to each other. Talking to the others so Buck didn’t have to.
They were silent for a few moments, but Eddie’s eyes were trained on Buck’s face. Buck was staring at his hands. Thinking about the events of last night.
“I want to fuck your face, Evan.”
“I’ve not done that before.”
“Just let me do all the work and you just hold still.”, Tommy had said with a kiss to his lips, pulling him closer. “You can tap out if it’s too much, but you won’t need to. If you’re breathing correctly, it’s easy.”
So, he had let him. It wasn’t easy. He tried not to gag as Tommy hit the back of his throat, tried to wipe at the tears that were spilling out of the corners of his eyes. Tommy sped up, head tilted back in pleasure, his hands locked around Buck’s jaw. Breathing was almost impossible, but Tommy had said if he was doing it correctly, it was easy. So, he must be doing it wrong. The thought of tapping out crossed his mind, but he wasn’t a quitter. He wanted to get the hang of this. For Tommy.
He hadn’t noticed Eddie move until the bed next to him dipped and he was there. Thighs pressing together, like always when they sat together, one arm coming up and around his shoulders and he pulled him into his chest. Buck could feel Eddie’s mouth in his hair, mumbling words he couldn’t hear. Why couldn’t he hear them? There was a noise that tuned out any spoken words; a loud, desperate sound coming directly from Buck’s chest. He was sobbing. And he couldn’t make himself stop.
Eddie’s other arm wrapped around Buck’s front, pulling him in closer, holding him tighter until not even air fit between them, as desperately as Buck felt.
“Oh, Buck. Buck.”, Eddie muttered into his ear, hands roaming through Buck’s hair. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you, it’s okay, I’ve got you.”
Buck sobbed harder. His whole body tensed up as the emotions of the past few weeks flooded him, threatened to drown him in their wake.
Eddie sounded so worried, so desperate. So scared. For him.
“Buck, listen to me, I’m here, okay? I’ve got you.”, he kept whispering, pressing his lips against Buck’s hairline in something that wasn’t quite a kiss, but much more than that at the same time. “Listen to me. I won’t let you go, okay? But talk to me, please. Please, Buck. Evan, talk to me.”
Evan.
“Everyone who knows me calls me Buck.”
His own words hit him like a truck.
“D-Don’t call me that.”
His voice is rough from the strain on his throat. The sobbing probably didn’t help.
Eddie stilled. It was a shocked freeze at first, but then Buck could practically feel the gears turning in Eddie’s head, before the other man pulled him impossibly closer.
His voice was quiet, almost lethally so. “What’s he done?”
As if the name Evan can only relate to one person. He isn’t far off.
“It’s not him.”, Buck whispered back, tears still tracking down his cheeks, face buried in the crook of Eddie’s neck. “It’s me. It’s always me.”
Eddie didn’t try to change his mind, but his hand found its way back into Buck’s hair, lips moving along his temple. “Talk to me.”
“I just can’t make it work, Eds.”, Buck’s voice quivers as he finally finds the words. “I want to be good at it, but I’m not.”
“Good at what?”
Silence. Just Buck’s laboured breathing fills the room.
“Good at what, Buck?”
His tone has softened, but there is a sharp undertone to it. Like Eddie already can’t believe what Buck is about to tell him. The concern softens it. The compassion, the need to know that Buck is okay.
He’s already gone so far now, no need to pretend any more. And this is Eddie. “Enjoying sex with Tommy. Making it good for him. I try, I really do, but it just fucking hurts all the time. And he says it just does and to take it and breathe through it, but-“
Eddie’s body is so tense it felt like he was about to combust. “He’s hurting you?”
“No, no-…I mean, yes, but he doesn’t mean to.”, Buck corrects quickly, glad his face is still buried in Eddie’s neck so the other can’t see his humiliation. “It’s me who can’t take it.”
“He said that to you?”
Buck narrows his eyes at Eddie’s tone, trying to read his emotions. He sounds angry, but why would he?
“Y-Yes. But he’s only trying to help me get better at it. I promise it’s not what it sounds like.”
“Oh, I know exactly what it is.”, Eddie almost growls, his arms untangling from around Buck as he pushed himself to standing. Buck’s brain takes a minute to catch up with what’s happening and by that time, Eddie is already at the door. It flies open with so much force, it leaves a dent in the wall behind it.
“Eddie!”, Buck tries to shout after him, but his voice cracks and makes him sound pathetic. He scrambles to his feet after his best friend, who’s crossing the hall in long strides, fists flexing at his sides. Bobby pokes his head over the banister of the loft, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“What’s going on, Eddie?”
The look on Eddie’s face must have triggered alarm bells, because he immediately starts making his way down the stairs. “Where are you going?”
Eddie doesn’t look at him, heading straight for the exit. “Expect me to be off for a few weeks, Cap. I apologise for the paperwork.”
Bobby looks from Eddie to Buck, who’s scrambling behind him, trying to catch up. Buck knows he must be looking a mess. Rumpled clothing, tear-streaked face, puffy eyes and ruffled hair where Eddie’s hands had been a few moments before.
Bobby must be making some sort of connection, because his step quickens, and he intercepts Eddie before the man can make it out the door. Hen, Chim and Ravi show up at the banister of the loft, watching with concerned eyes as Bobby puts a hand on Eddie’s chest. Hen’s gaze flies to Buck and she takes the stairs two at a time in an instant.
“What’s going on, Eddie?”, Bobby asked again, physically restraining the other from continuing to walk out of the door. “Do I need to call Athena?”
“No!”, Buck shouted desperately, a few meters away from the other two men as Hen reached him. She put her hand on his shoulders, one coming up to cradle his face. Her eyes were sad, but kind as she assessed him.
“It’s not what it looks like.”, Buck tried again, voice hoarse. “Eddie, don’t blow it out of proportion.”
Bobby looked between them, before his gaze settled on Eddie’s face. Eddie had his back to Buck, so he couldn’t see his expression, but Bobby’s face changed. Concern made way for anger. He kept his eyes trained on Eddie, his voice calm but calculated:
“It won’t fix things if you go and beat him up.”
“We’ll see about that.”, Eddie spat back, trying to shake off his Captain’s hand.
“Let’s all take a deep breath.”, Chim said from the bottom of the stairs, hands up in surrender. “What am I missing?”
Hen sighed sadly, and Buck closed his eyes, preparing for her next words. “Tommy hurt Buck.”
Eddie whirled around; anger so prominent in his features he almost looked like a God of war. “Physically.”
The word lingered in the open room, bouncing between the fire engines like a bullet.
Chim’s face froze, and he gaped at Buck. “You’re joking? That’s what you’ve been hiding from us?”
Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes again. “It’s not like that. He doesn’t mean to!”
“After everything with Maddie-“, Chim started again, taking a slow step towards Buck, but Bobby interrupted him: “Don’t go there, Chimney.”
“This isn’t like Maddie’s situation!”, Buck burst out, almost angrily this time. “Why is nobody listening?! He’s not the problem. I AM!”
Bobby took a deep breath, but the fury on his face didn’t waver. His eyes went back to Eddie, who was standing still enough that he could have been a statue. “Why don’t you take Buck home, Eddie? I’ll give you both today off to recover and call you this evening.”
His tone communicated more, but Buck wasn’t sure what he was trying to say. His mind was racing. How had everyone got it so, so wrong?
For a second, it looked like Eddie was going to fight Bobby about it.
Bobby threw him another hard look. “This isn’t a suggestion, Eddie.”
Eddie breathed deeply, then nodded and fished the keys to Buck’s truck out of his pocket. “Let’s go, Buck.”
Buck wanted to protest, but the tension was high enough as it was, and he didn’t need another fuck up on his plate. So, he complied, shifting to follow Eddie to his truck.
“Oh, Buck.”, Hen said softly, pulling him into a hug that almost made him cry again. “It’s going to be okay. We’ve got you.”
All Buck could do was nod, before he followed Eddie to the car.
Eddie didn’t take him home. Not to Buck’s apartment anyway. They stopped in front of Eddie’s house and Eddie took another deep breath after he had turned off the key. Buck didn’t wait to see if he was going to say anything, jumping out of the car and walking into Eddie’s home.
He was barely three steps inside, when Eddie’s voice stopped him. “I’m sorry.”
Buck turned around; brows furrowed. “For what? You’re not the one ruining my relationship.”
Eddie looked like he wanted to say something about that but swallowed it instead. He stepped in close, pulling Buck into a tight hug. “I shouldn’t have let my anger get the better of me. Not when you needed comfort.”
Buck didn’t know what to say, but Eddie didn’t let him anyway. He guided them over to the sofa, sitting down and pulling Buck with him. His head ends up on Eddie’s shoulder and Eddie’s hand came up to cup his face, holding him in place as he leaned back into the couch. “If I promise not to lose my shit again, will you tell me what’s been happening? Help me understand.”
Buck nodded, and then the words fell almost easily from his lips. About the rough blow jobs, the quick fucks in the dark with almost no prep, the degrading words Tommy likes to use while they’re doing it, the briefing afterwards on things he should be improving on.
“He said I just need to get used to it.”, Buck said quietly, staring down Eddie’s chest at their hands. His own hand was resting on Eddie’s thigh, the other man had covered it with his, gently intertwining their fingers. It didn’t feel weird to be this close to Eddie. They always had been. “And I’m trying, but it’s like my body’s not getting the memo.”
Eddie took a deep breath, air ghosting over Buck’s hair. “That’s not how sex works, Buck. Especially not sex between two men.”
“How do you know? You’ve never been with one.”
Eddie ignored the question. “There should always be prep. A lot of it. A lot of lube, too. You shouldn’t be hurting unless you want to.”
“I told him once that I like a bit of biting.”, Buck confessed then, where it came from, he didn’t know. “I didn’t enjoy it when he did it, though.”
It had felt like Tommy had bit him as hard as he could, right in the soft flesh at the junction of his neck and shoulder. Buck had been too distracted by the discomfort of Tommy thrusting into him at the same time, but even know, a few days later, the mark on his neck was still angry and red, sore to the touch.
Eddie hummed comfortingly, his lips finding Buck’s temple again. They were quiet for a few minutes, each chasing their own thoughts. Then:
“I don’t think I want to be with him anymore. It doesn’t feel right.”
Not like the way he felt now, sitting with Eddie. Eddie’s touch never gave him an icky feeling, no, he craved for the other man to touch him. Craved to have him close, to talk to him. Eddie seemed to understand, even when Buck himself didn’t.
“Send him a text now.”, Eddie mutters quietly. “Tell him it’s over. Let him cool down and then have a face-to-face conversation in a few days.”
Buck shook his head, panic creeping through his body. Why, he didn’t really know. He had no reason to be afraid of Tommy, did he?
“Ah, that hurts.”
“Just a bit more, you can take it.”
“I mean it, Tommy, let’s try something else.”
A hand on his neck, pressing him further into the pillow.
“Be quiet, Evan, you’re ruining the moment.”
So, he’d shut up.
Eddie’s voice pulled him from the memory. “I’ll be here every step of the way. You’re not alone. You never have been.”
And Buck trusted him. Trusted him enough to take out his phone and send a message to Tommy, explaining he didn’t want to be part of this relationship anymore. Trusted him enough for Eddie to take the phone out of his hand after, turn it off and throw it onto the floor next to the sofa. Trusted him enough, craved him enough, to let himself be pulled into Eddie’s arms as they laid on the sofa together. Eddie caressing his skin, running fingers through his hair, whispering variations of “I’m proud of you.” and “I’ve got you.” until Buck’s eyes shut, and he drifted off. It had been weeks since he slept so peacefully.