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Jealousy is not an emotion Seth should currently be feeling.
Nope.
Not in any way shape or form. You can’t be jealous over a relationship that didn’t exist in the first place. Logically, his mind tries to tell himself this repeatedly. But often, Seth found himself late at night, home alone, his mind a swirling storm of emotions that often came to irrationally jealous thoughts.
Thoughts that always steered toward Dean because that’s all his life has been for the past six months it feels like. Being with Dean is exhausting to say the very least. He’s absolutely 100% stubborn to a T but also extremely loyal to a fault even if it causes him to get hurt in the process. He’s all snide comments, growling exterior and smartass remarks but he can also be incredibly sensitive, sweet and a stupid bleeding heart.
Seth saw the sides of Dean he tried desperately to hide and every time he managed to coax those sides out has made Seth fall deeper and deeper for him. Seth saw what Dean hoped most people wouldn’t spare a moment to notice. Dean was human and vulnerable battling his own emotions constantly but too afraid to allow himself the comfort to accept those emotions as being normal.
The exhausting part always comes back to rear its ugly head whenever Dean crosses paths with Regal.
Seth wandered the hallways of backstage hoping to spot a dark, leather jacket or smell a hint of smoke which would tell him where Dean went to. They both had separate matches but lately Dean has been waiting for Seth at the end of the night, allowing him to take him home to his motel room. While it didn’t happen frequently, it happened enough that Seth counted it as a win. He really thought he was onto making some progress with Dean, chipping away the cold exterior and smoothing the rough edges but for as many steps as they took forward, he always found himself taking double the steps backwards.
However, Dean was nowhere to be found. It’s been like that the last few nights and Seth tried hard to tell himself it wasn’t anything personal but with Dean everything was personal to Seth.
Seth’s mind told himself that he shouldn’t go to Regal’s office, but his body had other ideas. He robotically found himself drifting to where he knew Regal’s office was. Typically, wherever there was Regal you’d find Dean and just thinking that statement to himself was like taking a knife in the gut.
Voices started to become clearer the closer he got to the door. The door was shut, but the building was paper thin as it was. Those hollow doors provided so little privacy they should have just been made of glass at this point.
“Why do you continue doing this to yourself Dear boy?”
The remark, clearly coming from Regal, made Seth freeze. He flattened his body against the walls, behind the door itself and leaned against it.
“Why do you continue to fucking play games?”
Dean’s steel laced voice still managed to make Seth’s heartbeat increase tenfold.
“I don’t see how I’m the one playing any games. Don’t you need two people to play a successful game? All I see is clearly one little boy trying to get his Daddy to take him outside and play, don’t you?”
Seth scrunched his face in disgust. Both at the oddly, weird sexual tone and the fact that Regal had to have known that Dean has Dad issues out the wazoo. It’s a sore subject for him that often finds its way into promos. Using it against him like this was just cruel.
“Cut the shit Regal, I want my damn rematch. I deserve it.”
Seth could hear a loud bang, loud enough to make him jump slightly. He could easily imagine Dean’s face, sweat faced and red, hand coming down on Regal’s desk to intimidate the older male but knowing Regal, likely only made the man smirk.
“Deserve it? Let’s talk about the word ‘deserve’ for a little bit, shall we? What’s the definition of deserve hmmm? It means to do something or have or show qualities worthy of a reward...or punishment. Let’s analyze our last match together. I think you were the one lying on the mat, your shoulder out of the socket. I think that was deserved, don’t you?”
Seth doesn’t immediately hear a response back just heavy breathing. Hell, no it wasn’t deserved he wanted to scream. Wanted Dean to get in his face and put his ass in line like Seth has seen him do to countless people but Dean doesn’t respond, he just let’s Regal continue.
“And as far as I understand wrestling to be, a 1, 2, 3 doesn’t equate a reward to the loser, does it?”
“That’s right my Dear boy, no it doesn’t. I know you’re upset but maybe this wasn’t meant to be. This weird obsession you have with me isn’t healthy to any extent, but I think you know that right, huh? You know you’ve been quite off for a long time. It’s why you always come to me because I’m the only one that understands you. Understand the rage, pain, the hate you feel for yourself so thick you want to drown in it.”
“Shut up.”
“The way that you seek out the beautiful violence you put on display, the pain hoping that if it hurts you enough, you’ll stop feeling anything at all.”
Seth held his breath, repulsed at the hateful words being spewed from Regal’s mouth and sick at what those words implied. Besides the moment of Dean begging Regal to be quiet he hasn’t said anything back at this clear attack on his character.
“Now don’t cry Dear boy. Maybe sometime in the future our paths will cross again and this time I can show you the pain you so rightfully deserve. We know what it means now so I don’t think you’ll get confused. It’s a cold world out there Dean but I think you know that. See you tomorrow.”
Before Seth could even swallow the door was being shouldered open roughly, nearly hitting him in the face in the process. He was able to swiftly slide out of the way as it slammed against the wall.
All he could make out was Dean’s back, shuddering underneath the white t-shirt he wore. Seth slid in behind the door again, holding it semi-open just watching as Dean tried to recalibrate himself. His heart split in two at finally catching a glimpse of his red face before his palm was swiping across his face and his usual hard mask was falling into place.
The next time he can finally get Dean alone is way longer than Seth would have wanted to. Dean, the ultimate master at avoidance, had done a damn good job of being an elusive douchebag the past week. Brushing Seth off at every turn and being a general miserable dick to be around.
Seth, of course, knew that it was a defense mechanism. However, it didn’t make the hurt it caused any less painful.
“You hurt your knee recently?”
Dean grimaces and immediately tries to hide the fact that he was just limping a minute ago, deciding to instead slowly slide himself onto the locker room bench in a totally nonchalant and unconvincing fashion. “No.”
Seth crosses his arms across his chest, leaning against the door he managed to lock after following Dean into the locker rooms.
“Don’t give me that look.”
“What look?”
“That pissy look you typically give me when you’re pissed at me.”
Seth furrows his brows in confusion, pursing his lips tighter. Which only makes Dean exclaim, “see that one!”
Seth rolls his eyes. “Gee, maybe acting like a total douchebag for the last week would tend to piss someone off, go figure.”
“Tell me more Sethie baby...”
“Jesus Christ,” Seth gives up the conversation at noticing the leer present on Dean’s face. His complete mask of denial settling into place. Seth worked damn hard to chip away at it and now it seems like Dean was in the process of rebuilding it again. Instead, he pushes himself away from the door and settles his body next to Dean’s.
“You’re so exhausting.” Seth admits instead, completely frustrated. Dean doesn’t say anything in response, instead simply breathes out a small huff of warm air that gives Seth goosebumps. Being this close allows Seth to study more of Dean’s features. Without even thinking about it Seth’s hand ghosts across Dean’s neck where angry red scratches and bruises lie.
Dean tenses, hands white knuckling the bench. “What happened?” Seth murmurs.
“Don’t worry about it.” Dean says quickly.
“Maybe you should tell the office you’re sick.” It’s the first thought that popped into his head at noticing the severe limp Dean was sporting. They had a match later that night and he didn’t want to fight Dean unless he was at his absolute best. His feelings for Dean often came into direct conflict with wrestling Dean and it’s all the office ever seemed to want them to do was wrestle.
An insecure voice at the back of his head would often tell him at least it was him and not Regal.
“I’m fine, Jesus, why do you always have to act like this?” Having enough of the close contact, Dean pulls away from Seth’s hand. Seth watches him get up off the bench, his angry pacing limited to limps.
“Act concerned?”
“Exactly! I don’t need you to be my Mom for fucks sake.” Dean snarls into Seth’s face. Angrily, Seth pushes him back slightly, “is it so fucking bad I just want you to be fucking safe and happy?”
“Yes!” Dean says frustrated, spinning away intending to leave but Seth stops him, pulling at his jean jacket harshly until he was spinning back to face him. “Why is that huh? What the fuck is so wrong with me caring about you?”
“BECAUSE I CAN’T BE THAT PERSON.” Dean screams, face a blotchy red mess.
Seth backs up, his words freezing in his throat.
When its clear Dean isn’t intending to up and bolt Seth asks softly, “why?”
“Don’t you fucking get it...God damn it...” Dean is the one to reach out this time, hands smoothing over Seth’s shoulders ever so gently. A lot gentler than could be imagined coming from Dean.
“Get what?”
“I want it so bad it fucking hurts but I’m not that guy you keep envisioning me to be...” Dean whispers softly, so much pain and grief in one sentence its like a knife going straight through his heart. “Dean...” Seth exhales, pushing forwards for a soft kiss that ends way too soon.
“I’ll see you out there alright. Don’t fucking take it easy on me.” Is the last words Seth hears before Dean limps out the door.
Wrestling the match was like wrestling in slow motion for Seth. His mind a broken landscape that made wrestling extremely difficult.
He found himself on his back more often than naught. Getting outwrestled by a clearly incapacitated Dean should have angered him but he found himself numb throughout the whole process.
Dean’s face was unreadable throughout the whole match, it felt like he was wrestling blind most of the time. Like Dean requested he didn’t take it easy, he targeted the obvious limp because he knew Dean would be pissed if he didn’t. However, the absolute worst part was watching as Dean’s eyes always slid to the announcer’s desk, seeking out Regal’s. Seeing out some form of validation from a man who did nothing but break Dean down mentally.
It was infuriating. Exhausting. Gut wrenching.
Why was Seth even bothering to try? It was clear that Dean was not okay mentally and continuing to chase this thing between them was leaving Seth as off as Dean was most days. Dean clearly didn’t want the help, despised the comfort Seth tried to give him and shrugged off all advances most of the time so what was the point?
Winning the match did absolutely nothing for him. His heart breaks in two as he watches Dean roll out, limping to the back without even bothering to wait for Seth behind the curtain.
He trudges through, sick to his stomach and finally manages to make it to the locker room before he collapses all together.
“Nice match you had there Seth, I didn’t think you’d have it in you?”
Goosebumps rise on his sweat slicked skin as he picks himself up off the bench and turns around. “Have what in me?”
Regal leans casually against the door, blocking his exit is obviously intentional.
“That viciousness. I didn’t think you’d get into the violence but I think wrestling Dean so many times must have brought it out of you. I truly enjoyed it, probably your best match yet.”
“I bet you did.” Seth mutters darkly.
“Come again Dear boy?”
“Don’t call me that!” Seth hisses, hackles rising. “Just...just leave me alone, okay?”
Regal studies him for a few minutes obviously taking him apart in his mind. Seth feels completely open and vulnerable, ripe for the pickings.
“You know you’re not the first one to fall for his charm, right?”
“Excuse me?”
Regal pushes away from the door finally, slowly stepping into Seth’s personal space. “Don’t play dumb Rollins. I must admit that he captured my attention as well, those blues eyes radiate so much pain and sadness.”
“You’re talking about Dean?” Seth asks but he already knows the answer to the question.
“Don’t be daft. I’ve seen you two, I’ve seen the way you follow him like a lovesick puppy. I see true potential in you which is why I’m here to warn you.”
Seth feels the words freeze in his throat, suddenly feeling small all the sudden. “Warn me of what?”
A maniacal glint lights up Regal’s face, obviously knowing that whatever he was about to say was surely going to cut Seth deeply. “Nothing good will ever come out of Dean Ambrose. I know his type; I am his type. This is how he is. He sucks all the lifeforce out of you so he can try to make himself feel whole, but he will never feel that way. He is a black hole of misery and sadness, and he is drowning you.”
Anger surges inside of Seth, deeply burning as he remembers overhearing the conversation that Regal had with Dean. Regal tore Dean apart emotionally and mentally and Dean never once corrected him. Never once defended himself from the vicious attack and just simply accepted it.
Maybe Dean was a black hole of misery and sadness but that didn’t mean that he was any less deserving of love and comfort. Any less deserving of someone to understand him and stand up for him.
It’s why the harsh sound of the slap didn’t come out of nowhere.
“Shut you’re fucking mouth!”
Regal’s cheek was a bright red, blood now blooming of a recent split in his lip. He simply licked it away, turning to face Seth with a look of absolute pity on his face.
“Oh Seth-”
Seth didn’t let him even continue the thought. He pushed into Regal’s face finger stabbing him in the chest. “Save it. Dean is a far better man than you will ever hope to be! You fucking stay away from him you understand me?”
The chuckle from Regal sent shivers down his spine. “Believe me Rollins I have no intention of stealing away your boy toy but when he breaks, and he will break do you think he’ll come running to you?”
Regal pushed Seth away, maniac look on his face. “No, he doesn’t seek out the comfort and love you try to give him he wants to be hurt Seth?” Regal snarled, obviously enjoying the shocked expression on Seth’s face. “He’s so fucking twisted he wants someone to treat him like the filth he is. He’s an animal and that’s all he’ll EVER be!”
The punch came out of nowhere. Seth was on autopilot, a low buzzing in his ears not even realizing he and Regal were falling until they were both rolling around on the floor.
“You fucking sick bastard. He’s not an animal. HE’S NOT AN ANIMAL!”
Their shouts and yells eventually tipped off security who rushed in and broke up the altercation. Seth could feel blood sliding down his lip from his nose, his eyes felt suspiciously stiff letting him know he must have taken a stiff right hook to the face.
He stared across the space, huffing harshly through his mouth as Regal did the same, struggling with the security guards holding him back.
“Stay away from him! You hear me? STAY AWAY!”
“HE’LL KILL YOU ROLLINS! AND HE’LL LAUGH MANICALLY WHEN HE DOES IT!”
That was the last thing Seth heard before he was pushing out of securities arms. “Get off me!” Breaking away until he was shouldering open the door, tunnel vision taking him to the outside just needing to escape.
He wanted to say finding Dean sitting on the ground, cigarette in hand a shock but it honestly wasn’t.
Somehow Seth knew. He didn’t know how he knew but he knew. He found himself sliding down the wall to sit next to Dean, head falling on his shoulder in exhaustion. “How much did you hear?”
Dean took a drag of his cigarette, blowing out the smoke making Seth’s nose twitch.
“All of it.”
Well shit. “I’m sorry.” It was all Seth could offer really. How do you remedy what was said?
“Don’t be.” Dean said as he flicked the cigarette away. Seth watched as the embers rolled until the light died out. Dean rolled his shoulders, jostling Seth’s head until he was pulling away and standing up. Seth immediately missed the warmth. He felt impossibly small, curled up the way he was, heart completely tore open. It was an unfamiliar feeling to have, Regal’s words of ‘he’ll kill you’ flashing in his mind.
Dean’s hand in front of his face broke him out of his thoughts. He looked up and Dean was staring at him with an odd expression. Seth got pretty good at reading all Dean’s expression, but this was a new one. One that maybe looked...softer? More relaxed? Maybe Seth was concussed.
He took the offered hand and let Dean pull him up.
The gravitational of force known as Dean Ambrose was strong, slowly sucking him in until he was smashing his lips against Dean’s.
The moan that got ripped out of his throat was entirely pathetic, but he didn’t care. His hands smoothed across Dean’s creased white t-shirt. His mouth opened voluntarily as Dean’s tongue pushed in insistently. He felt himself walking backwards until Dean had him pressed against the cold brick wall, sending a shiver up his spine.
Dean pulled away first, stealing a whimper from Seth. Dean leaned his sweaty forehead against Seth’s, a whispered “thank you” sending a warm feeling straight through Seth’s body.
“Can I walk you home?” Seth asked in return, unsure of this new development.
“Sure, I got beers in the fridge.”
The open invitation to not only walk him home but stay was a little overwhelming. Seth searched Dean’s blue eyes for any hint of what he was feeling. What Seth saw was the same look that he knew was often radiated in his own eyes. A look of being so far gone that he didn’t know what to do with himself.
“Hopefully you have a bag of peas my eye fucking hurts.” Seth quipped to break some of the awkwardness.
Dean rolled his eyes, pulling him away from the wall and propelling him forward, limping behind him as they began to walk, “fucking pussy.”