Chapter Text
Beau didn’t like people.
Maybe she had once. She thought she remembered liking a teacher or two. Or her soccer coach in high school before the drunk driving incident. Or maybe she’d liked Molly before… well ignore that one. It was her fault he was gone, so it didn’t matter if she’d ever liked him being around. Cause he wasn’t.
But she liked climbing. Climbing was a hand in front of a hand and a leg out at the edge of your reach, or hooked on a hold. Climbing she liked because it made sense. Climbing couldn’t hurt her the way people could. Only the good old fashioned way. She broke two fingers and a wrist at the first comp she competed in, but told no one. Just taped up and got back on the wall.
Got bronze after all was said and done. And felt fucking alive.
She looked up at the Gold Medalist, Dairon, who gave her a subtle smirk when she met her eye.
“Not bad kid.”
And she knew… she knew. She was going to be that one day.
Nothing else mattered.
************
Jester was in her first year on the circuit. She’d done a lot of other things like this, some youth bouldering comps, some other obscure sports. It wasn’t easy being a television sports host, especially as a woman, but this- this was the big leagues. This was where she started making things happen.
And it was in a sport she was coming to adore. It was artistic really, watching people bend and shape their bodies in all kind of crazy positions for the chance at success.
Jester’d gone to a bouldering gym for the first time at the suggestion of her drawing teacher. She’d said that for figure work there wasn’t anything better. And from day one, she knew she was right. She’d been there for hours, filling in pages. Gone back in day and day out. Met the staff that worked there to explain why she was coming so much, and they were really nice. They’d give her free snacks out of the employee break room and she’d munch on fritos and apple juice while watching the different people. Some would come by and she’d show them what she was working on, they’d always point excitedly or wowed and give her compliments.
Jester liked compliments. Almost as much as the snacks.
And she really really liked the climbing gym. She felt inspired there, seeing the success and the camaraderie. So when her mom had suggested she take a route in a particular niche, she knew where to look.
“Make yourself the expert on something and they won’t be able to turn you away!”
That was good advice. Her mama had done similar, starting in cabaret and singing, to get to the show she ran now, one of the top nighttime talk shows in the world. Mama was so amazing.
And Jester wanted to be amazing too.
So she’d done her research, put in her hours, and succeeded. Becoming one of the official hosts of the federation’s North and West divisional talk show.
Sitting in the booth with the headset on she couldn’t stop bouncing.
“Do you have to use the bathroom before we start, or… that’s just a dance you do?” Her cohost asked and she scoffed with a roll of her eyes.
“No! I already went, I’m just excited!”
“It’s good to have some enthusiasm before the lights come on.” Scanlan mused with a smile. “In fact it reminds me of a song-“
“Scanlan you’re on!” Someone yelled from outside the booth and he turned dramatically in his chair with a point.
“Hello climbing world!!! Are you ready to get your rock on?!”
That was his intro. Honestly, Jester didn’t get the joke, but he seemed very pleased with himself.
And they started the semi-finals.
Jester watched some of the new climbers come out. She liked seeing them most of all. There was an aura of exploration and uncertainty and jitters that she could feel from the booth. But the celebrations when they got it? The moments that they found success and made something hard work for them? She wished she could rush the stage and hug them.
On this particular climb about halfway through came out a newer climber. One that had kind of burst onto the scene.
“Next up, Beauregard Lionett.”
And there was something about seeing how she entered.
Jester sat up straight in her chair, then leaned over the console to somehow look closer. To take in all the little details. Her hands instantly itched like she wished she had her sketchbook, and she smiled a curled little thing.
She didn’t jog out like the other climbers, she seemed to have no nerves at all, just walked out to her mark, turned when the buzzer sounded and got in position.
“She’s going to get it.” Jester said, seeing the very obvious path laid out before them.
“You think so? No one’s climbed it yet.” Scanlan said, with an amused eyebrow.
“I’m sure.” Jester nodded confidently. “Yeah, she’s going to flash it.”
Then she did.
************
Beau still didn’t like most people. But… climbing people were okay. She’d been in the game like 5 or 6 years now? She kind of lost track. But she knew she’d won the overall gold three times. And that felt fucking awesome. No one had ever won four in a row, in any gender or division, so she had her eyes locked on it. Turned up her training regiment. Started doing some outdoor climbs and crazy weight trainings. Took up tae-kwondo for the foot work and agility. She was going into the start of the season with a chip on her shoulder that only she saw, because she was the overall favorite. But that didn’t mean bunk. She didn’t want to win by assumption, she wanted to win.
“Overdoing it as always Beauregard?” She heard in a familiar accent behind her. She rolled her eyes then turned and punched the arm of her nation’s top speed climber.
“Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black you asshole?” She said with a bit of challenge and he hrmphed a little sound of neither agreement nor rebuttal.
“It’s me checking in on a friend who I know has bad habits, and gauging just how bad they’ve gotten.”
A friend. She ticked for a moment. This was one of the few people she might give that title to. She’d seen it on his face from the first time they’d met. Pain knew pain. Shitty upbringings knew shitty upbringings.
“If you were a friend, I think you’d know that she doesn’t like being called Beauregard.” Came the one other voice that Beau had been looking forward to seeing. She turned with a grin as Jester came over and wrapped her in a big hug.
“Hey Jessie.”
“Hey you.” She beamed.
“I do have to say, Caleb get’s special privileges. But he’s the only one who does.”
“No fair, I don’t get special privileges?” Jester said with a pretend pout.
And Beau’s heart did that little thing it was doing lately around her. Or at the thought of her. Damn it was obnoxious to admit, but… Beau might… like someone.
Like… in the like like way.
“You- we have our own things. Things that Caleb doesn’t.”
“Like our sleepover calls?” Jester asked with a smile, and Beau’s ears turned a little red as she could see Caleb giving her a look. But Jester was still looking at her so she nodded.
“Yeah, like those.”
“Okay good. I like those being an us thing.” Jester said with a big smile back on those lips.
Jester had told her at an end of year dinner two seasons ago that she often couldn’t sleep but didn’t like calling her mom all the time when they were hardly ever in the same time zone. So Beau, because she loved putting her foot in her mouth, gave her her number and said she could call her anytime. And she did.
At different tournaments and conferences and random Tuesdays. And they were… kind of nice. Looking forward to her FaceTime notification waking her up at ungodly hours.
Shit, she was trying to remember when Jester had snuck into a ‘like like.’
It was probably in Zadash, when they’d shared a hotel room. The venue had overbooked and Jester couldn’t get a spot. Beau had seen her in the lobby looking up other places when she’d awkwardly cleared her throat and offered.
Jester had given her the biggest grin, proclaimed roomies, and skipped to the elevator with Beau.
In the room Beau had offered to sleep on the floor and Jester had given her the most quizzical look.
“Why?”
“Well… you know.” She made a little awkward motion with her hand. How did she say cause she was a lesbian and Jester was cute and she didn’t want her to get the wrong idea?
“Beau it’s your room, why would you sleep on the floor?”
“I just didn’t want to, you know, make you uncomfortable or anything.”
“Why would I be your roomie if I was uncomfortable silly?” She asked with a laugh, and Beau didn’t have a good answer for that. So they’d laid in bed together and Jester had poked her ribs and told her she was stiff as a board.
Beau had swatted at her hand playfully and rolled on her side.
“Do I make you uncomfortable Beau?” She asked seriously when she met her eye and Beau shook her head automatically.
“No, you’re probably… one of the few that don’t. Like… I don’t think I’d have offered the spot to anyone else.” She swallowed, knowing it was true and a genuine little spark was in those blue eyes after that.
“I like being your roomie.” She said with a smile.
“Earth to Beauregard.” Caleb said, and she came back to the moment with a startle.
“Sorry, what?” She said and looked between Caleb and Jester who were suppressing smiles.
“See, she’s an airhead.” Caleb said with a shake of the head. “Here one moment, gone in another.”
She punched his shoulder again.
************
“Ready to bring out the first finalist Nott?” She asked her co-host. This was their third year working together and she liked her short little friend. She was funny, sarcastic, but kind and shrewd. She saw things differently than Jester and she thought they made a great team. Secretly if you asked her, better than her and Scanlan, but he’d gone off on his comedy tour and never looked back. She was happy for him, and for herself because now she got Nott.
“Overjoyed. I mean this season is really about Beauregard Lionett.”
“You know she doesn’t like to be called that.” Jester corrected. She’d corrected everyone from the first time she’d met the climber all those years ago and she’d mentioned she didn’t really like being called that. Jester had asked why and she’d shrugged and said, ‘her parents only ever used it when she was in trouble, which was most of the time.’
And Jester had understood, so she’d nodded and corrected every commentator, scoreboard operator, and press representative she’d seen in the coming months until she was commonly known as Beau Lionett.
“Alright, alright, it’s about BEAU Lionett. There are plenty of other storylines I’m excited about, don’t get me wrong. That Laudna girl from the Shadowfell looked a lot better last year after coming back from her injury. The twins from Byroden are fascinating as always. Can’t count out Fearne from the Feyrealm. BUT. All that being said, let’s be honest. The thing everyone is wondering is, can Beau do what no one else has ever done.”
“And win a fourth consecutive season gold?”
“Exactly.” Nott wove their coffee cup animatedly. “The only person to get as close in recent memory was Vex’ahllia de Rolo de blah blah blah. But she took that fourth year off after getting pregnant, and so she stalled at 3. And then won it the year after, but still. That sequential 4 year win would be amazing. Really elevate herself in climbing’s history.”
“It would be pretty exciting.” Jester agreed. “But! There are some amazing climbers coming out before her, so let’s not discount them and their chances. That’s the exciting thing about climbing! Anyone at this level can surprise you and do anything.”
“Fair enough. And anyone can slip. That wall is equally unforgiving.” Nott said. She always said kookie dark things. But in a way that worked. “Actually speaking of, it’s the second year kid out of Tal’Dorei. Imogen Temult.”
Jester watched her come out to the first holds, shaking her arms out looking nervous and jittery, taking a deep breath, but then when she turned… Jester leaned a little forward in her seat.
“Huh.” She hadn’t seen anyone look that… hmm. Since Beau. It was a confidence but also a control. It was an essence from the universe going, ‘get ready.’ And based on the look on her face Imogen didn’t even know it. But as she got in the starting hold Jester reached out and gripped Nott’s shoulder.
“She’s going to flash this.”
“What?” Nott said confused.
“Watch.” Jester said, sure of herself.
And then she did.
************
Beau was in the iso room during finals, getting ready for the last climb, and she was feeling good. Her body was sore, it always was during the first comp, but she bounced her feet and did her version of meditating. Met the mat, saw the lights, took in the audience and ambiance, gave a grin and waved as she eyed the scoreboard. As long as she topped out she had the win.
Nice. She could do that. She knew she could do that. She blew the excess chalk off her fingers, let her eyes carry to the commentator booth in the distance and flashed a wink, and turned to face the wall.
Approximately 3 minutes later she was lying on the floor bent over herself, clutching her ribs and feeling red explode behind her eyelids. Shit. Fucking shit.
It was hard to remember exactly what had gone wrong, she knew she’d replay it later over and over again, but the crunch when she’d landed was evidence enough. And the reason she couldn’t catch her breath or get up…
She’d fucked up.
She was fucked.
She was a fuck-up…
Guess mom and dad were right.
She’d left the emergency room with some pretty strong meds and was smiling, but that was all the Percocet talking. When she was home she was upset. She knew it, even though it was under a haze she couldn’t quite penetrate. She collapsed on her apartment couch and didn’t move. Just laughed at the stupid arm rest of her stupid couch in her stupid life.
“You’re stupid.” She told the couch.
Then she imagined the couch called her stupid back.
Two days later she hadn’t done much else but get up and return to the couch. It felt like her purgatory while she let the world she’d carefully build crash down around her.
She’d eaten protein bars to take with her meds and appreciated leaving her body for a bit and floating where no one could see her or get to her.
But she always came back and that part fucking sucked.
Then that afternoon there was an insistent knocking at her door. That was weird. She stumbled up to her feet, hearing the insistent knocking continue and neared in to look through the little eyehole and see Jester of all people.
Jester was knocking at her door. That was unexpected.
She leaned back clutching her side and fiddling with the lock.
“What’re you doing here Jessie?” She called loud enough to be heard over the door as she opened it and her friend practically tackle hugged her way into the room.
“Beau!” She called out in her cute little accent.
“Urmmphhh.” Beau said in response and Jester gasped and pulled back.
“Sorry! Sorry! Your ribs-“
“Yeah,” She said shakily, feeling somehow colder now that Jester had touched and released her. Was she this cold a moment ago? Was she just warmer in the second they’d touched? Okay that was the drugs talking. “Yeah, sorry. Jester level hugs are a little stronger than my bones at the moment.”
She trailed her eyes down to the box in Jester’s hand.
“What’s that for?”
“You silly!” Jester said eagerly, opening the lid to show her 11 and half pastries of various sizes and colors. “Sorry, I snacked on one on the way over.”
“You brought pastries?”
“Of course! Pastries make everything better.” She said coming in with a smile and Beau shook her head and caught up to the moment, closing the door and following her in.
Jester coerced her into taking a shower, which she hadn’t since the injury, and got her to eat something besides protein bars. She didn’t have much in the fridge so they made breakfast for lunch and had pastries on the side. Jester got her to open the file and actually read what had happened and what next steps were besides wallowing in self-pity.
“Punctured lung and broken ribs.” Jester read, looking uncharacteristically sad.
“And I tore some muscles around the break points.” Beau added, popping another pill. “The complete package.”
“Is there surgery?” Jester asked, looking scared, and upset or not Beau found her instinct was to soothe her.
“Only if it doesn’t heal right.”
“How do we make sure it heals right?”
“I don’t know, witchcraft maybe? Know any shamans?”
Jester smiled a little soft thing. Something reminiscent and maybe it was the pills talking, but beautiful.
“No, but when I was a kid I had a friend who could do magic.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Well not really of course, but I thought he could.” She said a little shyly, and Beau understood this was something she didn’t often share with people. So she sat up, tried to hide the wince of pain as she did, and gave her her full attention.
Jester tapped her fingers a few times on the glass coffee table in thought before continuing.
“When I was little me and mama weren’t super well off. She had a hard line of work I wasn’t allowed to know about, and… for awhile we lived in our van.”
Oh shit.
“But I didn’t mind. I had a lot of fun, cutting out napkins and making snowflakes I’d hang over the back windows to make it look like winter had come early. And the front row was mama’s room and all the back row was my room. And I thought it was really neat that my room was so big, so I’d climb over the seats and make all these stories in my head of princesses and dragons and knights.”
Fuck, whether it was the pills or not, Beau’s chest was clenching worse than the rib pain in something so fond and foreign as she imagined a tiny Jester climbing around an old beat up van, smiling like she was now. Making the best of any situation. Would she have liked Beau as a kid? Probably not, she was an asshole. But would she have been less of an asshole if she’d known someone like Jester?
“And our car was called a Volkswagen Traveller. But when I was little I had a hard time saying ‘Volkswagen’ so I just called him the Traveller. And he was my friend.” She said with that same little smile. “I asked him for advice on my art and he picked me up from school, and he was like… a part of my little family until mama got things under control. When we started sleeping inside again I was worried because I thought he’d be lonely.”
Beau smiled and chuckled a little and Jester looked up at her, as if gauging if she was laughing at her or not. But she must’ve seen the fondness in her eyes as her brow softened immediately.
“Anyone would be lonely without you Jes.”
And she smiled wide and bright at that. She imagined if she had a tail it would be wagging.
************
Jester stayed at Beau’s for 3 days. Made sure she got in good habits. Bullied her to make pancakes most mornings. Got her to shower and watch silly old movies that were playing on tv. She got to sleep in her bed those three nights and talk her ear off about whatever came to mind until the medicine made her sleepy and then she’d watch her sleep some times. Not in like, a creepy way. But most every night Jester slept alone. She liked not sleeping alone with Beau.
When she finally had to leave she was pretty sad about it, but she had another assignment to get to.
“You’re sure you’re going to be okay?” She asked.
“I’m sure.” Beau nodded. “For the umpteenth time, I’m sure Jessie.”
It was unfair when she called her that, cause she couldn’t stay mad. She liked the nickname too much.
“Umpteenth is not a real number.” Jester said, sticking out her tongue.
“I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve told you.” She chuckled. “But yes I will take care of myself. I promise. And I’ll keep you up to date, and… you know. You can always check on me.”
“Really!?” She asked excitedly. She’d wanted the invite to come back, but hadn’t wanted to push. But Beau nodded, that little smile she selfishly thought was only for her peaking out.
“Yeah sure. If you care enough to check on me, I’m not going to tell you not to.”
“No one else checked on you?” She asked, a little hurt for her friend.
“Laudna texted. That was nice. She knows what it’s like to loose a season to injury.” She said. “But then a wave of condolences rolled in that I could not deal with so I turned my phone off.”
Jester frowned.
“What about your family?”
And Beau made this little wry line with her lips that was so dismissive. It made Jester instantly sad and protective.
“They uh… they find what I do entertaining at best? And we don’t… we’re not close. Not like you and your Mama.”
“I see.” Jester said, even though it was something she wished she could unsee. “Well, then I take it upon myself to check in on you while you heal. I will be your nurse Jester!”
She thought Beau’s cheeks took a faint pink tint at that and she saw her shake that sad little line off her face into a laugh instead, and the world felt better instantly.
“You don’t have to do all that Jester.”
“I mean as long as you make me pancakes when I visit I’d say it’s a fair exchange.” She said with a wink. And truthfully she’d think she was getting the better deal out of it. She just liked being around Beau. She’d do it for free. But pancakes were a bonus so she took the chance to negotiate.
************
Recovery had been hard, but she had avoided the need for surgery and instead done the next best thing. Healed really slow. That was annoying because well, there was nothing to do. Besides steady her mind and do the little things. There was no climbing to be had, no weights to lift, she couldn’t even bend over and pick things up for a long time which was demoralizing. But… heal she did.
Jester helped. Jester helped more than she thought she realized.
Jester made a lot of things worth it.
Beau still didn’t like people… except maybe one.
One exception was probably fine.
That was how she ended up well… fucking here. On this boat.
It was a nighttime booze cruise with a bunch of sports executives and press and Jester had needed a plus one last minute when Nott couldn’t come.
“I really don’t think that’s a good idea Jes.” Beau had said, trying to imagine herself in a room of people like that.
“Why? You have some other big plans?” She said jokingly, which unfortunately Beau couldn’t pretend because she knew that she knew she didn’t.
“I’m just worried I’ll embarrass you.” Beau said, not dancing around the truth.
“Please, why would I be embarrassed of my cool bad-ass friend who happens to be one of our sports top competitors?”
And well, shit. What was there to say? Cause she had a lot of reasons to name, but Jester was genuine. And… she couldn’t tell her no.
So now they were on this boat, and… it was going okay? Beau hadn’t known what to wear and Jester had sent her some ideas, not knowing that she was going to order one of them for her. So she had this grey suit with a royal blue chiffon dress shirt and some black leather dress shoes. She felt stupid putting it on, but Jester had told her she looked ‘Ah-mazing!’ so… in for a penny, in for a pound.
She escorted her from little cocktail table to little cocktail table, said hi and made nice with the different spokespeople for different sports and federations.
This was so not her specialty, but Jester carried most any conversation and who couldn’t be wowed by her?
At least until they hit one table with some group of hot-head suits who clearly thought they were the shit. They had some kind of ‘big kid on campus’ energy that Beau was immediately annoyed by, but Jester took in stride. So she ignored it, but she didn’t miss the way they turned the conversation so quickly away from Jester’s point to go, “So how’s your mom?”
Jester’s lip did this little warble thing unexpectedly, but she recovered quick.
“She’s great! Took up crocheting recently.”
“Uh-huh, sure she’ll make a segment on it later.” One of them had said, and Beau got the idea that they were making fun of Jester so she stepped a little closer protectively, put a hand behind her back.
“If she does it’ll be badass. Her production value’s only gone up in the recent months, what with all the raging success.” Beau said, arching an eyebrow in challenge.
They chuckled, a little stilted, and Beau was already clocking how she could probably break all their noses in 3 second flat. Just left to right, cross after cross, and they’d be bleeding into their caviar.
But Jester gently placed a hand on her arm, and wove off to the side to another broadcasting friend that she saw, politely leaving the table to go chat with this tall fellow with a pink mullet from the climbing circuit. Beau vaguely recalled his voice.
But she still felt a simmer under her skin at those other people. She pulled at the collar of her shirt and excused herself to get another round of drinks. Jester didn’t drink, so it took a little longer to find a bartender that had a glass of milk and a flute of champagne. When she was navigating back she unfortunately passed the group of hotheads that were laughing and mentioned something about, ‘That Lavorre girl’ and Beau stopped in her tracks.
“Yeah it’s honestly sad seeing someone get so far on the coattails of her parent.”
“She’s a joke just like her mother.” One said, stirring their martini with the olive on its little stick.
And Beau beelined over.
“Scuse me.” She said, eyebrow twitching and anger flaring. She had never been good at containing that part of her. “But I think you should watch your fucking mouth.”
She definitely spoke too loud. The band playing in the corner stalled and she was seeing red directed at all the suits. They blinked at her, astounded at her nerve and then started chuckling.
“What, she brought her dog with her?”
“That’s right. And I’ve got your fucking scent.” Beau said, practically snarling. “You have no idea how hard she’s worked, so you’re making yourselves sound really fucking stupid being so jealous.”
“Jealous??” One of them said incredulously and Beau was upset she only had the one champagne flute because they all deserved what she would do next.
“Obnoxiously so. I know your industry can be pretty cutthroat and I know us athletes are just pawns to you, right? We’re the backbones you get famous on, but we’re disposable. We’re headlines and nothing more. Jester’s not like that, which is why her name is growing while yours are dying out.”
“You think you can talk to us like that? Do you have any idea how quick we could ruin you?” And we had our winner.
“Not as quick as I could ruin that suit.” And she turned and splashed the contents of her drink in his face.
In retrospect, not her brightest moment. But as security was coming over to gather her she broke for the exit to the balcony while the group was left sputtering, calling her things like ‘inbred' and ‘savage.' When the guard did catch up at the staircase he only smirked.
“Good job. Those guys are assholes.”
“Uh.. thanks.” She said, confused.
“Look, can you hang out on the deck for a bit while we clean this up?”
She nodded, and made for the outside area. Feeling warm around her collar. She might dodge getting in serious trouble… but she’d probably done the thing Jester was sure she wouldn’t. Embarrass her.
She looked out over the railing at the nighttime sky, and sighed, taking in the stars reflecting on the surface of the water. It was really nice. Shit, maybe she should have just been out here the whole time. Maybe that would have been better for everyone.
She heard footsteps approaching and had a feeling she knew who it was without looking up.
“Hey Jes.”
“Beau!” She said running over to the railing, having evidently been looking for her.
She held up the milk when she approached, as peace offering, but Jester bypassed it and grabbed her by the cheeks, turning her to face her.
“What. Happened?”
And Jester looked… angry. Huh, Beau wasn’t sure she’d ever seen her angry.
“I uh. Screwed up.” She said, hanging her head. “I’m real sorry Jes, I… I should’ve held it together.”
“Not that. I don’t care what you did to them. What did they say to you?” She said, eyes flashing protective and worried, and… what?
“What?” Beau raised an eyebrow, unable to hide her confusion. Jester smoothed down the hair behind her ear and ran a hand down the side of her cheek. It sent a shiver straight down her spine.
“I’m sorry Beau.” Her voice wavered and it made Beau want to cry. “I knew there would be some rude people here, but I didn’t think they’d say anything to you. They can be such assholes to athletes.”
She shook her head bitterly.
“I never liked those guys, but if they- they must’ve said something really bad if you threw a drink in their faces.”
“Jes.”
“I’m just sorry, I know you didn’t even want to come-“
“Jester.”
“But, I really wanted you to. I thought it’d just be more fun with you, ya know?”
“Jester.”
“And then they go and say something rude and-“
“Jessie!”
And she finally paused to take a breath and Beau put her hands on her shoulders to try and steady her, setting the milk on the railing.
“It’s fine.” She said confidently. “I’m glad I came. Okay? Yeah not my proudest moment, but… I came cause you wanted me to and I had fun with you. Until those guys… whatever. But this isn’t your fault in anyway okay?”
Jester nodded lightly.
“But what did they say?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Beau if it doesn’t matter why won’t you tell me?” She said, pulling her closer so she couldn’t avoid looking at her.
“Cause-“ She sighed. “Jes, you still have to work with them.”
“Barely.” She said, stepping even closer. “Really, what was it?”
Beau took a long inhale and even longer exhale, before hanging her head as much as she could.
“It was about you…”
And her eyes changed, rising in surprise.
“It was about you and I didn’t… I didn’t like it. It was bullshit and mean and fuck them for thinking it, but they definitely don’t get to say it at a place like this.”
And Jester’s expression softened to something so fond it was palpable. And shit… Beau felt her chest do something traitorous and lurch toward it.
Her hands were still on Beau’s cheeks, but they lightened their hold, tracing little lines on her cheeks.
“You did that for me?” She said, gently and sweet. Beau nodded.
In for a penny.
“You’re… pretty amazing, you know that?”
Jester’s eyes twinkled again. She knew she loved compliments, but she wasn’t often one to give them. Time to lay it all straight.
“You… haven’t always had it easy. But you persevered and turned isolation into creativity and positivity. You found a platform to bring people together, and you took it. Even an asshole like me.”
“You’re not that much of an asshole.” Jester said with a little smile. “At least not to people who don’t deserve it.”
Beau smirked. “I’m getting better. But I turned my isolation into anger… and used it to keep people away. I see what you did… and I just don’t know why you bother around with someone like me sometimes.”
Jester frowned a little, as if she didn’t like the idea of her not feeling worthy. The air, Beau realized, was suddenly very… very… humid.
“So I’m trying.” She continued. “I’m trying… to be different.”
“You don’t need to be different.” Jester insisted. “I like you just the way you are.”
Damn. Beau realized how… freaking… close they were.
“Beauregard Lionett.” A voice called and she turned to see the guard from before, pausing when he saw the position they were in. “You’re uh, needed inside. We have to take a statement.”
She nodded, pulling back from Jester, though her hands selfishly missed the feel of her skin immediately.
“Be right there.”
“She prefers Beau, by the way.” Jester called out and the guard stalled for a step then continued with a nod back inside.
“I’ll uh,” Beau cleared her throat. “Probably see you when we dock. You gonna bail me out?”
Jester cracked a little smile.
“I’ll definitely consider it.”
Beau chuckled and turned to leave, and Jester barreled into her from behind, giving her a big hug. She patted a hand over her arms.
“Love you Jes.” She said, like it was the easiest thing in the world.
“Love you too.” She said back.
And then Beau did something truly ostentatiously stupid. She turned around and kissed her.
************
Jester was banging on Beau’s door.
“Beau! Open up!” She yelled. She didn’t normally like to yell in a cocktail dress and smudged makeup at 10pm outside someone’s apartment. But she was desperate to see her.
They’d had their moment on the balcony, she’d felt warm and bubbly and happy and then- She’d kissed her. Beau had kissed her. Kissed her.
And then when they’d docked she’d just gotten a cab and disappeared. She’d asked all the security and staff about her whereabouts, and all of them confirmed she was gone.
So here she was, tracking her down. She remembered the hideaway key behind the little welcome sign that Jester had gotten her. For when she came to visit her and Beau had already fallen asleep. She turned it around and untaped it, letting herself in, and closing it soundly behind her.
“Beau?” She called again, and turned into the living room where she saw her sitting on the edge of the couch, bouncing a leg and staring at the opposite wall like it was holding a gun to her. She didn’t even turn to acknowledge her being there. So Jester paused, and slowed her entrance.
“Beau?” She said softer. “Can we talk?” She wanted to go to her. Like really bad. But she thought since she’d broken in, maybe she shouldn’t take that last line of defense she had.
Beau had a hand over her mouth and then sighed, hanging her head.
“Jes… there’s nothing else to say.”
“See, I kind of think there is though…” Jester said, hugging her arms to her chest. Needing the pressure to feel grounded.
They were quiet for a few moments, only the ticking of the clock to break up the otherwise silence that had settled.
“Why did you run away?” She asked gently, taking one step closer. She thought one step was fair. There were no lights on in the kitchen, so she flipped a switch by the wall to the lamp so she could see her better where she sat.
“Cause I saw your face.” She said after a long sigh. “After I kissed you… the way you looked at me, and I knew… just knew I had to go.”
That broke Jester’s heart a little. She was sure she’d looked super surprised, cause, well, she had been.
She walked a little closer until she was kneeling in front of Beau. She wouldn’t touch her yet, but she needed to be close. Needed her best friend to help her figure out what they did next.
“When I told you I loved you… I’ve never really done that before.” Beau swallowed and looked at the floor. She was doing that thing where she bounced one foot really really quick. It was very Beau not to be still.
“Like… never?” Jester asked, voice rising a little. “What about your family?”
“Definitely not them.” Beau said with a determined little laugh that made Jester want to cry for its certainty. “No, we uh… we don’t talk like that.”
She saw another layer coming down around Beau. Like a snake shedding its skin right before her.
“And I don’t… you know. Mean it. If they love me they have a shitty way of showing it… and I’m not going to love them like it’s an obligation. Not anymore.”
That made Jester’s heart sting. She loved her mama. She couldn’t imagine not having that person that she knew no matter what was always going to love her equally, and care about her, and listen to her funny stories, and smile when she came to visit.
“So you’ve never told anyone else you love them before?” Jester repeated, now letting the whole of it wash over her.
Beau shook her head.
“Cause I never have.” She said simply, foot suddenly done fidgeting. She furled her lip, pained. “But… did I fuck it up? Is it... over?”
“No!” Jester said quickly, reaching for Beau now, even though she’d thought better of it before. Beau took her hands, evidently giving up that last line of defense for Jester. Because of course she did. “No Beau, we’re not- we don’t have to be- You’re not losing me, okay?”
Beau finally, finally, looked her in the eye and it was like Jester remembered what butterscotch tasted like. Remembered the sound and smell of rain. Remembered the feel of sun on her cheeks. So she did the only thing that made sense. She leaned in and kissed Beau.
It hadn’t been a part of her plan, per say, but she felt like they both needed it. And admittedly, Beau was a very good kisser.
“There, now we’re even.” She said quietly as she pulled back from her lips. Watched those wondrous blue eyes blink at her. “I kissed you, and you kissed me, and I love you and you love me…”
And she realized… that while all of it was true and in any story they’d ride off into the sunset together…
“But it’s different.” Beau said with a single nod. Like she’d already solved the problem. And she probably did, she was really smart.
“It’s… difficult.” Jester said instead, now averting her eyes as she felt the burden of breaking their hearts. “It’s not- not like I would never consider it, it’s just… Mama got in a lot of trouble when she tried dating someone at work. I don’t… I don’t think…”
“It would be really hard.” Beau said, saving her. “To have your position and date a climber without people calling you on favoritism or bias or some other scandalous shit.”
“Exactly.” Jester breathed with a nod. Beau looked down at their hands and ran her scarred thumb along Jester’s wrist.
“I would never want to make things harder on you Jessie.”
Jester nodded, feeling her eyes sting with tears. She wasn’t sure if they were happy or sad or some third category no one had told her about. Beau reached a hand up to her cheek to catch them and Jester nodded, and they leaned in together this time, meeting in the middle.
Yeah, wow, Beau was a very good kisser. She kissed Jester long and slow, then tilted her head and kissed her again. Jester felt her knees do a little shake. It was odd how it tasted like goodbye and hello all at once. To what they couldn’t be, but what they wouldn’t lose either. They pulled back and rested their foreheads against each other. Beau breathed out a shaky breath and Jester let herself imagine it for a second. A world where she could keep her close, kiss her again, take her to bed and bully her to make pancakes in the morning. It would be really nice.
Like really nice.
But that would have to stay in her head. With all the other little colorful dreams Jester had built for herself in the past. There just wasn’t a place for this one…
It just hurt more than some of the others.
Oh, she was crying. At some point more tears had slid free.
Beau looked… wrecked but somehow also put back together. Lighter.
“Do you… do you need me to go?” Jester asked, voice shaking slightly. “I don’t want to make things harder on you either.”
“Is that what you want?” She asked instead and Jester couldn’t help it. Maybe she was bad and selfish, for telling her best friend that she was rejecting her but still wanting to hold her so close. She shook her head adamantly and reached her hands forward to hold onto Beau’s shirt.
Beau just put her hands on her shoulders and rubbed gentle circles with her thumbs.
“You want to stay for dinner? I was going to make breakfast.”
And whether it was the silly sentence or the intense emotions being end-capped with the offer, Jester smiled and chuckled and nodded intently.
Beau kissed the top of her head and wrapped her up in a hug and Jester went willing.
“Still love you Jessie.” She said there like it was a safe place to keep the secret.
“Love you too Beau.” She smiled, wiping at her cheeks.
Because she did. That part was simple.
************
Beau still didn’t like most people.
But her circle was widening. She met some of Jester’s commentary buddies that weren’t terrible. Caduceus and Nott and Nott’s husband and kid. They were all pretty aiight.
And as she recovered and saw more of her team’s climbers at PT appointments or the climb gym during her set days, they waved and seemed enthusiastic. Seemed genuinely happy to see her, and went out of their way to come by ask how things were, show her the new ‘no texture’ holds that setters were starting to use, and tell her the trick of liquid chalk or water.
As the season started and she saw the other climbers from different countries, saw the stagehands she’d known all these years that smiled back, waved and asked about her.
She was coming to find she liked a lot more people than she thought.
“Beauregard, there you are.” She turned with a smirk at Bassarus, knowing no one else would call her that name and opened her arms to crush her nerdy friend in a bear hug. He wasn’t the biggest with touch, but he was quick to return it. Maybe he missed her too.
“Wassup Speedogast?”
“I’ll never understand the fondness for the nickname.” Caleb said with a tired smile. The man always looked tired. Being a professor and a professional athlete was in no way an easy combo. She’d have to give him shit about it later.
“It’s brilliant actually. Cause you’re a speed climber.”
“I am well aware of my discipline.” He smiled a little fonder though.
“How’s it been with me gone?”
“From what I’ve seen that Temult girl is still in rare form. And that Shadowfell climber is now on her team and doing very well.”
“For real? That’s wild.” She’d bet $5 they were finally boning. Hopefully Fearne already knew the gossip and she could get the scoop.
When she did walk into the main exercise area she took a long breath, smelled the chalk and energy, she smiled. Unable to fight it really.
“Ready to be back?” Caleb asked.
And she looked out at the room full of people she liked, in various degrees, beside one of the first people she remembered ever liking.
She caught a glimpse of blue hair off in the distance with her microphone, and met her eye as she turned and smiled her way.
Maybe she liked people after all.
But she still only loved one…
“Hell yeah I am.”