The Autobiography of a Sinner

by Salty_Flower

Summary:

The retelling of events that led to The Rumbling and the aftermath from the perspective of someone who was a cause of it.

~
(written as an autobiography it is first person and is like you are the one that wrote it.)
The perils of being in love with your comrade. Going from childhood friends, to finding yourselves in a strange land completely alone, will cause anyone to grow close. After certain circumstances, they become more distant than they ever had been before. Being forced to come back together again to save the world would seem more challenging than either of them would think.

Chapter 1: 838-843

Summary:

To my predecessor: Viktoria Wolff
As you wanted for me, I am finally living my life for me. Thank you for guiding me along the way. I wish you were able to live a life without pain, without the military, and with your cats. I continue to live as you should have.

I had always enjoyed writing, even when I was a young child. I had ambitious dreams of becoming a famous, world-renowned, writer. I always imagined myself, sitting outside a small coffee shop, drinking black coffee like an adult, and someone noticing me from my work. “Wow, isn't that the world-renowned author?” They’d ask their friend- or whoever they’re with- before coming up to me and asking me to sign their copy of my book that they conveniently had on hand.

But those were only silly dreams of a child. Thinking back on it now, if I had followed my childish dream, I would be dead by now. Murdered alongside the other eighty percent of the human population.

I wonder if I would have even been popular by that time. Would I even have my first book out? Knowing me, I probably wouldn't have. I would have been too much of a perfectionist, constantly changing my story in hopes that more people would enjoy it and read it.

 Those dreams were crushed by my father. He was a strict man and had high expectations for me. I feared being rejected by him, so I always did whatever he told me to do. He was a Warrior Candidate driven by the force of nationalism. He told us that he was one of the top people in his class. As a child, I believed him, but as I started to grow I realized that if he was, he would've become an Honorary Marleyan. Surprisingly, he still wanted to stay in the military, rising to one of the highest ranks an Eldian could. He treasured his job, and everyone around him saw him as an honorable man.

There was one fatal mission where he took a miss-step, foot landing on a landmine. Thankfully, he got out of it alive, but his foot had been blown to bits. At first, he thought he would be able to keep his job, stuck working behind a desk with a wooden prosthetic leg. It didn't take long for the Marleyan officers to see him as nothing more than a wasted paycheck.

They fired him, replacing him with a capable, young, Marleyan soldier. I still remember the way he screamed at the top of his lungs, and threw anything he could get his hands on. My sister and I huddled in my closet, fearful of his anger traveling out of the kitchen. My mother at first tried to soothe him with relaxing words, but they fell on deaf ears. She too started screaming. Yelling at him to calm down and to collect himself. 

Just as my sister and I feared, he walked into my room and slammed the closet door open to find the both of us, teary-eyed. My mom stood at the door, screaming, pleading for him to stop. My father had never hit me in my life, nor had I ever felt like he was going to. At that moment I feared he would. 

He grabbed me by the shoulders, staring into my eyes with such anger. "Remember this." He told with such vexation. "If a Marleyan can do something- no matter if you can do it a thousand times better- they will always choose the Marleyan over you." 

After that, he broke down sobbing. He pulled me close to his chest and cried into my hair. No one in the room dared to move an inch. None of us knew what to do. It was all over when he let go of me and went to bed. We never spoke of that night ever again.

His words stuck with me.

It was strange, after a few months, it was almost as if he had completely forgotten what the Marleyan government had done to him, to his family. He was back singing their praises, talking about how amazing they are to us Eldians compared to the other, barbaric, countries he had fought in his time of war. Every time he talked about it, I constantly replayed those words he said to me in the closet. 

 

❃

 

He wanted me to be what he couldn't, forcing me to join the Marleyan military as soon as I could, praying that I would work hard enough and become an Honorary Marleyan. I still think it was unfair how I was the one who was expected to become a warrior while my sister got to do as she pleased. I loved my sister, but she was handed everything on a silver platter.

When I got home after training, I would want to play with my sister, like any normal child does. My father would come into the room while we were playing dolls. “You need to train more.” He would tell me, “Your marks aren’t high enough.” We would then go into an opening in Liberio. In between a few buildings, he would train me until it was time for dinner. 

I didn’t know what I hated more. The fact that my sister got to have a normal childhood or that my mother clearly loved my sister more. My father would raise his voice at my sister and my mother would snap at him, telling him that it was no way to talk to a child. Yet when it came to me, not only was he yelling at me, but forcing me to train for hours on end after I had come back from military training. She never gave it a second glance.

On the brighter side, I was able to get away with more things. Even though he was harsh with training, he was still my father, and I was clearly his favorite. Whenever I accidentally broke something I never lied about it, I would tell him the truth. He would simply pat my shoulder, tell me that it was alright, and asked me to be more careful. My sister on the other hand, if she did the same thing, he would yell at her about her clumsiness. 

I was never able to be grounded. All my time would be filled with training, so how could they punish me? The first time he tried to ground me, he did it by trying to keep me awake as a punishment. The less sleep I had, the harder it was for me to train. Taking away food had the same effect too.

In hindsight, this was abusive, but he had only tried either option once before realizing how bad of an idea it was. I would use this to my advantage, knowing that I could do whatever I wanted while I was home. Mostly, I would pick on my sister. Some of the time it was mean-spirited, but the others it was all in sibling love.

 

❃

 

Homelife was rough for a time, and so was military training. Being one of the worst soldiers in my class caused me to be picked on by the others often. I wasn’t alone at the bottom though, I had Reiner Braun at my side.

Reiner and I quickly became friends on the first day. They strapped heavy packs to us, handed us a rifle, and told us to run. Reiner and I fell behind quickly, almost being at the same pace. He was the one to speak first. Completely out of breath he turned to me and said “Hi, I’m Reiner Braun. What’s your name?”

It was completely inappropriate timing to introduce oneself. He had taken so long to even say those two sentences as we ran. Still, I told him mine. No other words were exchanged for the rest of the run. We cooled off next to each other, catching our breath and drowning ourselves in water.

Once we were finally done for the day, he told me he wanted to walk with me back home. Since I had not met anyone else during the day, I allowed him. He asked me my reason for joining. I simply told him it was because of my father. He agreed saying it was the same for him but with his mother. But he didn’t keep it vaguely as I did, he explained his life and trauma in excruciating detail. Such childish tendencies, trusting someone you had only just met with all of your deep secrets. In a child's eye, what was said wasn’t traumatic, it was just his way of life. 

I found that Reiner was my way out of training with my father. One time after military training, Reiner and I decided that we should train together, in hopes of acing our next practical exam. When I went home to ask my father if I could train with Reiner instead, he was ecstatic that I had found a buddy that would train with me.

I would often have Reiner bail me out of training all together. I remember how he would come to our door- just like we planned- and would politely ask “Could I train with them today sir?” My father would call out to me, assuming I was in my room. I was hiding behind the wall, so I would wait a realistic amount of time before appearing around the corner. Innocently asking, “Yes father?”

Sometimes we did train, but most of the time we just hung out and played like normal children. These times with Reiner were the only time I could say that my childhood was a childhood. We would forget about parental pressures, and training and just got to be kids.

Reiner would ruin these moments sometimes by bringing up nationalist ideation. It was just like hearing my father talk all over again. I only told my opinions- that were completely adjacent to his- to him once. He completely blew up at me, saying he could turn me in for treason. He stormed off, not letting me get another word in.

It was our first fight, and it didn’t feel good. The next day he ignored me at first, presumably not wanting to associate with a ‘Restorationist’. I kept trying different methods to get his attention, which all failed. 

During our daily run, he fell behind. By this time, I was improving faster than him. I slowed down my pace to meet his. He glared at me before snapping his head away to show he didn’t want to speak to me. I had trapped him though so he had to listen to me. What could he do? Run away? I was the faster one and he had already fallen behind.

“I’m sorry.” I started out with. “You were completely right. I just wasn’t thinking clearly yesterday. I was dehydrated.” I completely lied through my teeth. He turned to me, eyes brightened “Do you really mean it?” I only nodded in response. During that time, Reiner was the only thing I had. So putting aside my morals, I constantly listened to his incessant ramblings about ‘this great country’. 

 

❃

 

We started to take training more seriously. There was an important test approaching. This test would weed out all the weaklings in the troup, leaving a smaller number of children to become Warrior Candidates. We trained nonstop for months, often sleeping over at one another's house, depending on whos’ was the closest. My father didn’t care where I was, as long I was training to my max capacity.

On the day they announced who would be continuing on, I remember all of the child trainees being lined up outside. The Warrior Candidate’s commander stood before us with a single sheet of paper. Before he read off the names, he gave a long monologue on how important being a Warrior Candidate was for Marley. I remember him saying something along the lines of “It is the one job you Eldians can do to make up for your sins.”

It brought me back to my father’s words. This was the one job a Marleyan could not take from me. Back then, I didn’t think about everything I was throwing away for the Marleyans though, only thinking about my father’s pride. I was focused on my name being on that sheet, and could only hope for Riener’s being on there too. 

I don’t know why I did it, but I grabbed Reiner’s hand when the commander listed off the first name. Reiner didn’t grab my hand back though. His whole body had stiffened and he kept his eyes straight forward. As each name got called, one by one, my grip tightened with each. I think I would’ve broken his hand if it wasn’t for my name getting called. I let go of his hand, now realizing that he did not want me holding his hand. 

When I heard my name get called, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. All of my hard work had paid off, and I was one step closer to my father’s goal. I could be one of the ten. My head filled with the anticipation of going home and relaying the news to my family, knowing they would be proud of me.

A few more names were called, none of them being Reiner’s. My heart sank, realizing that I wouldn’t be training with my best friend anymore. Not only that, but I had taken his dreams away from him. In that moment I blamed myself.

When our commander dismissed us I turned to Reiner, mortified. He looked at me with a joyful smile. “Can you believe it?” He cheered happily. “We became candidates together!” I gave him a confused look. Apparently, his name was called right after mine, but I was too occupied in my head to hear it. 

We wanted to tell both of our parents together. When I walked into my house, my father was able to tell immediately by the looks on our faces. He ran up to me, getting on his knees, and cried. My mother only gave a small congratulations as my sister looked up at her, questioning what happened. Being five, she was too young to understand.

After my father regained composure, he congratulated Reiner with a pat on the shoulder. He wanted to celebrate with the both of us, due to us working together for this moment. Reiner and I ran to his house, telling his mother. His mother had quite a different reaction than my father did.

She softly congratulated Reiner and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Reiner beamed proudly. She didn’t even acknowledge my achievement in any way. It was mean, but I remember thinking “This is what Reiner was working so hard for?”

Reiner invited his mother over to my house, so we could all celebrate together. My father was boisterous all night. He was clearly drunk, but in my child mind, he was just so happy about my achievements.  My mother made my favorite meal- per my father's demands. Reiner’s mother sat quietly at the table, only talking when spoken to, which wasn’t often.

 

❃

 

The next few days were strange. Since there was now a smaller number of people, I started seeing people I had never noticed before. Our schedules had changed as well, forcing us to push ourselves harder than before. Reiner and I quickly became friendly with the others, due to it being a small group and being close to one another every single day.

Reiner quickly befriended the tall quiet boy, Bertolt. They grew very close very quickly. I didn’t like sharing my time with Reiner. A lot of the time when we would ‘train’ after classes, Bertolt started joining us. I was completely jealous of Bertolt.

I devised a plan to make him feel how I did. I suddenly became very close with Porco Galliard, the one kid Reiner couldn’t get along with. Reiner had good reason to hate Porco. He was rude and always singled out Reiner specifically.

It was weird. We were all constantly competing against each other. All of us but one person would get to be a titan shifter. Everyone was still friendly, except for Porco. Porco took everything a bit too seriously. He also hated Reiner’s obsessive ramblings about nationalism and would tell him to be quiet about it. I would inwardly smile every time Porco successfully got him to stop.

After I befriended Porco, I started inviting him to our after-class training sessions. I didn’t ask Reiner, I just brought him along one day and declared he was joining us. Let's just say, Reiner quickly asked if we could just go back to the one on one training. 

 

❃

 

Everyone had a specific titan they wanted to inherit. Of course, Porco and Reiner were both gunning for the Armor Titan. I personally wanted either the Cart Titan or the Feline Titan. Peik and I were somewhat of friends. She told me she wanted the Cart Titan, and I backed down from it. So that left me with the Feline Titan.

One of the ten, the power of the Feline Titan fell into Marley's lap completely by chance. Historically, the Feline Titan was in the hands of an eastern country, and used against Marley in wars. One day, the Feline Titan completely disappeared. For years we had no idea what had happened.

We found out that the old user suddenly died from a heart attack. You would think that a Titan Shifter couldn’t die from any mortal wound or illness. Apparently, his heart attack was so aggressive and quick, that he didn’t have the time to heal himself and died. 

The power was transferred to a Marley-Eldian girl who lived on the outskirts of Marley. When she turned five, she scraped her knee after getting pushed by some Marleyan boys. Planning to stand up for herself, she unexpectedly turned into a Tian. Scared of what was happening to her, she trampled over building after building until she wore herself out and was able to reemerge from her titan form. 

She killed many Marleyans and Eldians that day. The Marleyan military caught her and forced her to pay for her crimes. She was forced into the military. She would’ve been even if she didn’t trample people. They treated her as if she was lucky that they didn’t automatically force her to give her powers to another, having her killed. But the Marleyans were truly lucky they had her. What were a few lives in comparison to a Titan Shifter they’d wanted control of for centuries? 

The Feline Titan was unique in comparison to the others. Like in the name, it had cat-like attributes. It was closer to a tiger rather than other feline species. Its most notable attributes were; Its ability to jump, which was good for getting over walls countries have built to keep titan shifters out; And the heightened sense, both in and out of titan form. On the downside, it had a very low amount of stamina. Complete opposite of the Cart Titan.

 

❃

 

One day during classes, they had all of the Honorary Marlyans come in and talk to us. Viktoria Wolff, the holder of the Feline Titan, stood out from the rest of her squad the second she stepped in. She was just straight-out strange, from the way she styled her uniform to the way she stood. It showed that her team members thought so too, not liking her for it. They all stood an equal distance from each other, but the distance between her and the Armor Titan  holder was doubled.

She was just sixteen years old, her life being cut the shortest out of her comrades. The other Honorary Marleyans were in their early to late twenties, becoming titan shifters at thirteen or later. They introduced themselves one by one, explaining their role in the Marleyan Military and how their titan performs.

She was the last one to present. The others gave a long monologue of what we would have to do if we inherited their titan. When it was her time to speak, she shortly said “I am Viktoria Wolff. If you inherit my titan, cats will love you!” She smiled proudly, her accent was strong. It was clear she was from the countryside. The room went completely silent, one of her team members rubbing their face in disappointment.

They then dismissed us for break, encouraging us to mingle with the Honorary Marleyans. Everyone immediately walked up to the Titan Shifter they wanted to succeed. I was too shy to walk up to any of them. I wanted the Feline Titian, but I didn’t want to talk to Viktoria due to her weirdness.

Porco had beaten Reiner to the Armor Titan. Not wanting to share attention with Porco, he joined me in the corner. We talked like we normally did, but Viktoria snuck up on us. Neither of us even noticed her coming. She grabbed my shoulders screaming “Boo!” 

I let out a screech, being surprised. A few of my classmates snickers. She giggled out “You’re such a scaredy cat!” One of her comrades scolded her, “Don’t mess with the poor kid!” I was embarrassed by everyone looking at me. I blamed her completely. 

I was praying she would leave Reiner and I alone after that, but she moved a chair in between us. We looked at each other, not knowing what to do. “So are you two together?” She asked inappropriately. We were only ten at this point. 

I thought we were way too young to be thinking of things like that. I rudely responded with “No”, mad at her for asking such a question. Reiner on the other hand had turned completely red, looking down at his hands in his lap. She giggled at his response, “Your friend thinks otherwise.”

I told her she didn’t know what she was talking about. Soon after they left, class and training continued. No one joined Reiner and I on our walk home that day. Even though I believed Viktoria was completely in the wrong, I still thought Reiner’s reaction was weird. I asked him what it was about.

He again tensed up. He stuttered over his words, the excuse being: My scream was very high pitched and it scared him so much that he was in complete shock. He could’ve said anything and I would’ve believed him over Viktoria’s observation.

 

❃

 

Things continued on normally for a few months. We trained harder and harder every day, knowing we were getting closer to the day we would find out who was becoming a titan shifter. We knew that there was one of us who wouldn’t be able to rise in the ranks. It was more obvious every day that Reiner was going to end up being that person.

I was hoping every day that something would happen. That he would somehow rise above us all. I also had the dark prayer that something would happen to another one of the candidates. It was stupid that I didn’t realize just how much I relied on Reiner being around all the time. I couldn’t imagine him not being there beside me, fighting with me.

One day he was sick. He wasn’t able to make it to classes, being completely bedridden. Thankfully for him, it was a Friday and he had the whole weekend to recover. We got released for break, normally at this time Reiner and I would talk to each other. Since he wasn’t there I decided to join Porco and Pieck. I quickly got bored of their conversation, deciding to go on a walk instead.

I walked around aimlessly until I saw Viktoria Wolff perched on top of a crate. She wasn’t wearing her normal uniform leading me to believe she had decided to spend her free day sitting on the training grounds. It was clear she had no friends, which was unsurprising. 

She dressed like a grandmother, her clothes being very outdated. It was summer, yet she wore a long sleeved cardigan. She was wearing a sun hat that tied under her chin to keep it in place. Usually people wear sun hats to keep the sun out of their face and eyes, but it seemed as though she did not wear it for that purpose.

 She was eating an apple, staring directly into the sun. She truly was insane. Seemingly, she noticed my presence almost immediately, snapping her head over at me. A light amount of steam emerged from behind her eyes as she healed herself.

“Hello there kitten!” She cheered happily. It was bad enough that she talked to me, but even worse she had created a nickname for me. “Don’t call me that.” I snapped at her. I was annoyed beyond belief by her presence. But for some reason I stayed with her, walking closer and sitting next to the crate.

She didn’t respond to my demand, only looking back up at the sun. I did the same, trying to find out why she had been doing it. I only lasted a few seconds before having to look away, rubbing my eyes, trying to soothe them.

She reached her hand over, petting my head. “Don’t do that kitten.” She told me calmly, she didn’t even have to look at me to know what I was doing. “If you do that you’ll damage your pretty eyes. How will you ever inherit my titan then!”

I was surprised that she said I would inherit her titan specifically. I knew I had a pretty good shot at inheriting at least one of them, but we didn't know for sure who was getting what just yet. I honestly don’t know why I stayed with her for so long. Even though her insanity made me mad, I kind of felt bad for her.

“How do you know I’ll be getting yours?” I asked out of curiosity. I thought she may have known something that was discussed with the higher-ups. “Because you’re just like me.” She finally stopped petting my head.

I weirdly missed the physical contact. It was soothing. A motherly touch I very rarely received. Her words weren’t soothing though. The only way I wanted to be anything like her was being a Titan Shifter. I buried my head in my knees. She picked up on my disappointment.  “You’re observant and careful.” She clarified. “You haven’t perfected it. But you’re getting there.” 

I still don’t know what she saw. There were so many things I had missed as a child, nor was I careful. If I had been observant, I would have realized Reiner had liked me from the day we met. If I was careful, maybe the world wouldn’t be the way it is.

She never stopped talking, always adding to what she said last. Even if it didn’t make any sense. “Do you ever just think about how we’re like flies.” She started randomly. “We always revolve around the sun. When the sun goes, we sleep, waiting for the sun to come back.”

She talked on and on, I could only listen, forgetting that it wasn’t also my day off. I shot up, terrified. She asked me what was wrong. 

I had a panic attack. It started with me saying I was late for class. Then I started freaking out about how I would be put in last for candidacy. It then led to me explaining how strict my father was about me becoming an Honorary Warrior. The only other person I had told these things, was Reiner. But it all came out in a word vomit.

She got off of the crate, pulling me into her. She whispered calmly to me telling me that everything would be fine and I had no reason to worry. She bent down to my level, wiping away my tears. “Dry those tears, kitten.” She pulled out a handkerchief for me, letting me blow my nose. “I can get you out of this.”

She kept her hand on my shoulder, keeping me close to her, as she led me back to my classroom. I didn’t believe she could get me out of it but I stopped crying and put on a strong face so my classmates didn’t know about my little breakdown. I had never cried in front of anyone after that night with my father, making sure to always keep a strong face and not show weakness.

When we finally made it to my classroom, I shakily opened the door. Our teacher automatically demanded I explain myself. Before I could get a word out, Viktoria stepped in behind me. “I apologize deeply, sir!” She held her hands up, an apologetic smile plastered on her face. “I was talking about how it felt to be in titan form. She tried to leave, really! But I wouldn’t let her because I thought this first-hand recounting would be more important.” 

My teacher sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He had me sit back down next to Peick, and told Viktoria to leave the teaching up to him. Viktoria winked at me before leaving the room. Peick nudged me for the interaction. She could already tell I would be chosen as Viktoria’s successor.

 

❃

 

Viktoria would start randomly popping up in my life, usually barging in on Reiner and I’s time. She would ask me about myself: If I liked cats; What my favorite food was; If I wasn’t a warrior, what I would be doing. I answered every question, hoping the next would be the last. 

At some point, Reiner got fed up with it. “Don’t you have friends to hang out with?” He asked with anger. I slightly slapped his shoulder. He and I both knew she didn’t, and rubbing it in her face like that was flat-out cruel.

“I do!” She defended herself, dramatically raising her hands in the air. “Oh yeah?” Reiner continued to prod skeptically. “Who are they then?” She answered quickly as if she was just itching for someone to ask. “Well, there's Josephine, Ivonette, Markel, and Nikon.” Reiner could do nothing but believe that she really had these friends. He continued, “Well, then why aren’t you hanging out with them?” Her movements and face were dramatic “I would,” She said sadly, holding herself. “But they’re all having their gang meeting right now and I absolutely cannot bother them!”

Reiner and I didn’t believe her. We made awful jokes about the friends in her mind. We truly believed those friends were all in her head. It wasn’t until one day, she found me on my walk home. I was alone this time, Reiner had stayed behind to help Bertolt with training. Even though it was more like Bertolt helping him.

Viktoria grabbed my wrist and pulled me into a random alleyway. I thought about screaming for a moment, but with the color of our armbands, I knew no one would do anything, assuming Viktoria was just training me and I wasn’t liking it.

“I want you to meet my friends.” She cheered, leading me further into the alleyway. At first, I was annoyed but then I suddenly remembered her mentioning her friends were in a gang. I got scared thinking about the type of people she was leading me to, especially in this back alleyway. I didn’t know what kind of crazy people she was friends with and I didn’t want gang members to know who I was.

She stopped abruptly, causing me to run into her back. “I brought her just as I said I would!” She said proudly. I stuck my head out to the side, wanting to hide behind her. I quickly realized that these gang member friends of hers were a colony of cats. “Come on out kitten.” She lightly grabbed my arm pulling so I was then standing in front of her. Her hands rested on my shoulders

“I thought you said your friends were gang members?” I questioned, confused. The cats all stared at me with blank expressions. Viktoria gasped, offended by my question. “Do you not see them? They’re cold-blooded killers!” She took one hand off my shoulder and motioned to them. “Their rivals, the Jagged Whiskers, constantly try to take over our territory. But we always prevail!” 

“Come on guys!” She randomly told the cat as if they were saying something. “You have to like her! She will be the one to take care of you guys when I am gone!” That was the moment I realized that Viktoria would die in two years. 

After that, I tried to make my moments with her enjoyable.

 

❃

 

The years went by fast, training hard. The closer we got to inheriting, the more anxious Reiner had gotten. He had been teased often by the others, mostly Porco, about clearly being in last to get a titan power. This only made him lose a lot of confidence, causing him to fall farther behind.

We started to train every single day after we got out of classes. I even allowed Bertolt to join us, hoping the extra hand would give him that push he needed. I found out that Bertolt wasn’t as bad and I made him out to be. I misjudged him for years out of pure jealousy.

One night I was sleeping peacefully in my room when I heard a sudden light knock on my window. At first, I ignored it, thinking I was hallucinating. 

Another set of knocks came after, but louder this time. I shot up from my bed, realizing someone was at my window, wanting to get in. I was scared, trying to think of who, or what, it could be. 

Honestly, at first, I thought it was Viktoria, this kind of antic had her written all over it. I got out of bed, trying to keep myself hidden so whoever was knocking didn’t see me. I peeked through the crack in my curtains to see who it was. 

“Riener?” I whispered out. He heard me, lifting his head up to meet my eyes. He couldn’t understand me though, motioning me to open the window.

I opened up my window leaning out of it. While we lived on the first floor, the house was platformed so I was still above him. “What are you doing here late at night?” I asked worriedly. “If the guards catch you, you will never become an Honorary Marleyan!” 

“I don’t think I will become one anyway.” He sadly admitted. After some debating, I told him to come into my room. I helped pull him up, trying to be as quiet as possible. We sat down on my floor, never speaking above a whisper. I knew if my father caught me up, no less talking to a boy that I snuck into my room, he’d lose his mind.

Reiner told me how he believed that he wasn’t becoming an Honorary Marleyan. He knew his mother would be disappointed in him and he feared she’d stop loving him when it happened. All he wanted to do was reunite his broken family, and this was the only way to do so. 

I listened quietly, letting him get everything off his chest before speaking up. We had been friends for about seven years at this point and I had never seen him so devastated. All I could think to do was scooch closer to him on the floor and hug him. He hugged me back, burying his head into my shoulder. After he left I found some tear stains on my clothes. 

I didn’t want to lie to him. Porco was definitely more qualified than Reiner. False hope nor degradation wasn’t what he needed at that moment, so I told him what I truly believed. “I think you’re going to get it over Porco.” He pulled away from me, looking at me slightly hurt. He questioned my thinking. “I don’t know. It’s just a feeling.” 

He thanked me, leaving me to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t sleep. I stayed up worrying about my friend. I wanted to continue training beside him. I wanted to fight beside him for the rest of our short lives. 

He visited me a few more times before selections. We didn’t always talk about our stressful, military, lives. Sometimes we would just talk about our other friends and what we thought of them. I believe that these nights we stayed up talking helped calm him down a lot.

 

❃

 

They announced their decision individually. Marcel was the first to get his titan powers, receiving the Jaw Tian. At this point, everyone knew what titan they would get. The only ones that were up in the air were Porco and Riner. 

A few days after Marcel, Annie inherited the Female Titan. 

Even though I had a ninety-nine percent chance of getting the Feline Titan, there was still some anxiety. I never understood why they chose more candidates than Honorary Warrior positions. I honestly thought it would be better if they had multiple candidates that wouldn’t get it, rather than just being a single one out of the group to not get it.

We knew that the next person to get the Honorary Marleyan role would be announced soon. Everyone told me I had nothing to worry about but I had trouble sleeping. I was wide awake, looking at my ceiling. I heard a knock at my window. I got up, thinking it was Reiner coming to rant more. 

When I opened my curtains I found Viktoria, wide-eyed and aggressively staring at me. I gave her a confused look and she tapped the windowsill lightly. I cracked my window slightly, not wanting her to just come in. “How did you find my house?” I questioned first. That question was quickly followed up with another, “And how did you know which one was my room.”

“Your cat told me!” She said as if that answered any question. “Now let me in! I have something to tell you.” I reluctantly opened the window enough for her to climb in. Instead of climbing, she took a step back and jumped. I quickly made a worried face, thinking she was about to make a loud noise. Honestly though, if my father came in and saw Viktoria, I don’t think he’d be mad at all as long as I told him she was training me in the middle of the night in my room. 

She only made a light tap when hitting my floor. I was surprised. She dramatically stood up. She looked down at me with a big smile. “You’re going to be the next Feline Titan!” She whispered excitedly. I stood there shocked at her words. I knew it was going to happen but it didn’t make me feel any less surprised at it.

She hushed me even though I said nothing. She put a finger over her lips, winking “Don’t tell anyone though. You’re not supposed to know yet.” I still stood there in shock “How do you know?” was the only question that came to my mind. “I overheard the higher-ups talking about it.” She walked over to my bed, and plopped down on it. She put her hands behind her head and rested there like it was her own. “This late at night?” I questioned. She let out a hum to say yes. “We were working late. When I heard, I immediately left and came here to tell you.” 

She stayed a bit longer, asking about how excited I was. After she left I tried going back to sleep. My bed had been warm from her lying in it. I still couldn’t sleep, now from excitement rather than anxiety.

 

❃

 

The next day I went to class and pretended like nothing happened. I was supposed to keep it a secret but I couldn’t. When I walked into the classroom, Reiner was already sitting in his seat. Annie was gone, still recovering from her transformation. 

I quickly walked over to him, sitting down in my chair. He gave me a strange look, as my movements were clunky. I leaned over towards him to quietly tell him. Before I could get the words out, my teacher called me. I stood up straight to receive what he had to tell me. I already knew what he was about to say. Everyone else assumed as they smiled at me.

After I was told the news, they dismissed me for the day, telling me the ceremony would be held the day after tomorrow. They told me I didn’t have to come back until then, wanting me to prepare myself. I looked over at Reiner, his face was deeply saddened, but he still held a smile, happy for me. I told him I would still train with him once he got out.

When I arrived home, my father was off at work so it was just my mother and sister. My mother didn’t care one bit, only giving me a small congratulations. My sister was asking me many questions about what this meant for the family, now being old enough to understand.

My father walked into the house from work, surprised to find me on the couch with my sister, playing a board game. “Did you get it?” He asked enthusiastically. He already knew the answer but he just wanted me to confirm. I nodded my head in response. He practically jumped over the couch to hug me. 

Reiner didn’t come over and ask to train, like I was expecting him to do. I assumed he just didn’t want to bother me, choosing to train with Bertolt instead.

Just as he did when I became a Warrior Candidate, my father demanded that my mother make me my favorite dinner and we celebrated. Since we still didn’t know Reiner would be getting the position, he suggested I go and invite Viktoria over. Before I could tell him I didn’t know how to find her, he pushed me out the door and slammed it behind me.

The first place I thought to check was the alley where she introduced me to her cats. I assumed if she called them her friends, she lived close by. When I arrived at the alleyway opening, I was greeted by two of the cats she introduced me to. 

I walked up to them wanting to pet them. The gray one rubbed up against my leg while the calico ran in the opposite direction. I stayed there for a moment, looking around to see if any clues led to her. 

After finding nothing, I left the alleyway a different way I came. I saw the Calico cat again, it looked up at me curiously. The cat got up and slowly walked away. After it took a few steps it turned back, looking at me again, before continuing forward. 

I had a feeling to follow it. It walked into a different alleyway, jumped on some boxes, and it entered someone’s window. I assumed it was Viktoria’s home so I walked around the building, to the door and knocked. It only took a few seconds for the door to whip open, revealing Viktoria in an apron, and holding a massive knife in her hand.

“Ah, kitten!” She expressed, happily. “I’m glad you’re joining. I am about to start cooking. I will make you some!” She walked back into her home. I only took a few steps inside, staying in the doorway, not wanting to intrude. I sheepishly invited her over to dinner, feeling bad that I was interrupting one of her last meals. She didn’t feel the same though, as she was ecstatic, jumping around and yelling.

She put her food away before turning and asking “But you have to spend tomorrow with me. Okay?” Who was I to deny a person their dying wish? I had nothing else to do anyway.

We walked back to my house. She stopped every time she saw a cat, running over and petting them. By the time we arrived back at my house, dinner was ready. My father greeted her happily, swinging his arm around her. 

He had already been drinking and it showed. Viktoria happily joined my father in his antics. I remember my father asking Viktoria if she was proud of me and my accomplishment of being her successor. I cringed at the question, as he was basically asking her if she was happy that I was going to be the one to kill her.

She seemed to not think about it as such, happily agreeing. “Out of anyone, I am happy that they are the one succeeding me!” She cheered happily. Dinner continued with my father mainly talking/asking Viktoria a random assortment of questions. Sometimes my sister would chime in, being amazed by her.

Out of nowhere she asked my father, “May I have some alcohol?” My father laughed at her request, “Are you even old enough to drink?” He questioned lightheartedly, not realizing she wouldn’t be able to make it to her birthday. She shook her head with a smile on her face, “I would be turning eighteen next month.”

My father went quiet, finally realizing that this was one of her final moments. “I’m sorry.” He finally apologized for being insensitive. He got up, walked to the cabinet, and pulled out a different wine bottle that he had not used before. “I’ve been saving this for a special occasion.” He told her, popping the cap open. “I was given this by one of my Marleyan comrades. It is high-quality Marleyan wine.”

He got out a cup for both him and her, filling hers up way more than his, encouraging her to enjoy her last moments. He placed the cup down before her, continuing on “They only sell this to Marleyans. I have been waiting for the perfect moment to open it up.” He sat back down in his seat, holding his drink up in the air, she did the same and they both gulped down the red liquid.

She ended up coughing at the feeling of it burning her throat. My father only laughed, telling her that she was doing it correctly. Instead of boasting about me anymore, the rest of dinner he spent asking about her personal life, wanting to get to know her. There were many details she had left out, only talking about the good things in her life. 

After dinner, my father made me walk her back home. She thought it was funny that I was the one to chaperone her, even though she was older. As we arrived at her door, tears started to welled up in my eyes. Before I could express my sadness to her, she asked. “Would you like to celebrate my birthday with me tomorrow?” I quickly agreed, relieved that it wasn’t going to be our last moment together.

 

❃

 

The next day, I got up early, wanting to spend every part of the day celebrating with Viktoria. When I knocked on the door, it opened immediately. She moved past me and we were on our way to our first destination.

We first went to a bakery in Marley, she said it was always her favorite. The owner gave us two cheese danishes, for free. She told me that the woman always gives free treats to Honorary Warriors. 

We then headed for the docks. Another place she enjoyed. She admitted that she never knew how to swim, but enjoyed the view of the sun reflecting off the vast water. We walked alongside the shore as she took out one of the danishes to me. We both ate it while walking.

Viktoria’s mood never wavered, being as happy and cheerful as always, she did a good job at hiding her true emotions. I tried my best to match her, not wanting to dampen the mood. It was really hard not to act like nothing was wrong. Every happy moment was shadowed by the impending doom of the next day.

A lot of the day was spent running into random alleyways and greeting almost every cat in Marley’s capital. A little past midday we made our way back to Liberio. We stopped by a few shops, getting groceries to make a cake.

Once we arrived back at her home, we immediately started cooking. By ‘we’ I really mean her. She only gave me a few tasks to keep me occupied. I watched as she cut and fried the breaded chicken. She let me mash the potatoes, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

As dinner was cooking, I stirred the cake batter. When dinner was finally done, we put the cake in the oven. We sat together and ate happily. The food was good, better than I expected. 

Once the cake was done, we iced it together. Again the thought of the next day loomed over me, this time I couldn’t help the emotions coming out. She went to hand me my slice of the cake when she noticed me crying. She put the piece aside, hugging me. She whispered to me, “I know it may not seem like it now,” She let go of me, getting down to my level, “but this is a good thing, I promise.”

I kept crying for quite some time. Once I had calmed down more, she handed me the slice of cake. Instead of cutting off a slice for herself, she placed the entire rest of the cake in front of her and ate the entire thing. She noticed my staring. Smiling at me with crumbs and icing all around her mouth, she told me, “What? I don’t want it to go to waste.”

She walked me back home, before she left, I hugged her tightly. Again tears started to well up in my eyes. She waited for me to enter my house, but I ran to the window and watched her walk away until she was out of sight.

 

❃

 

I don’t remember much from the next day. It’s normal for you to lose your memories after the transformation. I only remembered one thing before transforming. I am very thankful for being able to have this one memory. 

My last memory of Viktoria. 

She was on a ledge above me. She wore a white gown as her arms were forcibly held out to the side by chains. It was terrifying. I wished that there was a more humane way to do it, but given the circumstances, there was nothing humane about it.

As one of the doctors started to come near me with the syringe in hand, I started to freak out. I tried to get away, slowly. I was screaming at all of the other men in the room. I don’t remember what I said to them, but I heard one of them whisper to the other “Maybe we should give the power to Braun.” 

I think Viktoria heard this too as she shouted out to me. “Don’t be scared kitten.” Unbelievably, she still had a smile on her face. It was sadder than her normal ones but it still calmed me down. “No matter what, I will always be with you.”

I apologized to the doctor and officers and they allowed me to continue. I wish I could remember more about her last moments. But I think it was best that I don’t remember eating her.

 

❃

 

The next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital bed. So many of her memories started flooding through my head. I screamed loudly from the overwhelming amount of things going on through my brain. The doctors rushed in to see what was wrong, but I wasn’t able to communicate the issue. I went into shock.

The next day they brought in a psychiatrist to see if they could figure out what was wrong with me. The psychiatrist asked me many questions. I still wasn’t able to express the issue, until one. “What did you see?” I was able to answer this one simply, “So much.” There was no emotion behind my voice as I had been absolutely drained.

Victoria was forced into the military at the age of five. This was normal for many Eldian children. But unlike other Eldian children, she already had the guilt of murdering many innocent people, she had no family to go home to. She lived alone and was forced to learn how to survive at such a young age. 

Marleyan’s hatred for every Eldian is very known. But what if they knew that Eldian had murdered many innocent Marleyan’s? They tortured her, they abused her, and no one was there to help her. All of these memories had flooded into my brain when I awoke. It was hard to believe she was as sane as she was after living through all of that. 

Any faith I had in the Marleyan government was lost. What they did to her, a child, was horrific.

The psychiatrist left the room and it seems like the military immediately knew what was going on with me. A bunch of high ranking officers, I had never seen before, entered the room soon after. They all stood above me, trying to intimidate me.

They told me that I can never tell anyone about these memories. They knew there would be some sort of Eldian uproar over how they treated a child, even if she was a murderer. They did not feel remorse over how they treated her, or how I was reacting afterwards. 

They only gave me a key, saying Viktoria left it for me. It was the key into her house, and she had left everything for me. They told me that the house itself belonged to the government and that I needed to clean everything out within two weeks, anything left behind would be sold off or thrown away.

 

❃

 

I was in the hospital a couple days longer than most other Honorary Marlyans. I was expecting Reiner to come and visit me, but he didn’t. To say I was upset was a deep understatement. I was hurt that my best friend never visited me, but I know he was spending all of his free time training, hoping to get ahead of Porco at the last minute.

Someone did visit me surprisingly, and it wasn’t my family. The day before I was released, Peick came to visit me in the hospital. She brought me a baked good, telling me “I thought you would like something aside from hospital food.” 

I was surprised to see her armband turned red. She must’ve recovered hours after transforming. I expected no less from the resilient Cart Titan. It was funny how opposite ours were. Hers had the most amount of stamina, while mine had the least. But we still got along well.

It was nice having her to talk to, but she noticed that there was something wrong. When she asked about it, I denied. I was afraid of what the government would do to me. The only person I could truly trust with this information was Reiner. 

With the thought of him passing through my mind, I asked her what he had been doing. Peick’s expression dropped slightly as she shifted in her seat. “He’s been… off lately.” My brows came together, “Off?” I questioned her. She hummed in agreement. “He has been more on edge. I honestly don’t blame him though.”

I agreed with her, knowing how stressed out he was knowing only two more spots were open. She soon left, leaving me alone to my thoughts again. I kept staring at the key to Viktoria’s house, knowing the place I would be going once I got out of there. 

 

❃

 

My doctor had heard about the meeting with the psychiatrist, without all of the dark details. Feeling pity for me, he gave me an extra two weeks off of work, saying I needed to recover more at home. 

I headed straight to Viktoria’s home after leaving the hospital. When I walked up to her door, one of her cats started to rub up against me, meowing loudly. I realized that they hadn’t been fed in a couple of days. 

I honestly was surprised to find out that I couldn’t talk to cats. The way Viktoria would always speak to them made me believe she could understand what they were saying. But when she said, “Cats will love you if you inherit my titan!”, she wasn't lying. The calico cat that normally avoided me was the clingiest. 

I opened the door and put the food in their bowl. The house was depressing, knowing that she would never step foot in here again. On the dining table there was an envelope with my name on it. I opened it and it was a letter from her.

To the best of my memory, it read:

Kitten,

I guess I shouldn’t call you that anymore, since now you are a full grown cat! Either way, you will always be my kitten. I am sorry to be leaving you behind like this. I wish I could’ve spent more time with you, teaching you how to handle being in titan form, but sadly I can’t exist with you having the ability. You can always look back in my memories to help guide you down the right path. 

Speaking of my memories, I know you will see it all and I am so very sorry for everything you are about to see. If I could keep you from seeing it I would. I want you to think of it this way: You have released me from my pain. I am free because of you.  

I didn’t have my predecessors memories, I think that is due to me not consuming them. But I will be there with you along the way. I will always cherish my moments with you.

Love your Mama Cat,

Viktoria Wolff 🐾

I couldn’t help but sob loudly. I felt so alone. All of her cats surrounded me, grieving alongside me. I couldn’t even look through the rest of the house, needing someone to talk to. I opened her window slightly, so her cats could come and go, before leaving the house. 

It was already dark, most likely long past curfew. I snuck around, avoiding the guards and found Reiner’s home. He lived on the second floor, and I couldn’t just knock on the door. His mother would kill me.

I found a few tiny pebbles around, on the ground in the alley way. I threw them at his window, a few missing. I kept doing this until his window snapped open, with a very upset looking Riener looking down at me. “What?” He asked angrily. 

I was shocked at his tone towards me, he had never talked to me like that. But I brushed it off, assuming that it was just because I had woken him up and he didn’t realize it was me. “Reiner, could you please come down? I really need someone to talk to.”

He sighed out of annoyance. “Yeah because you have the time to hang out now that you have a titan. Must be nice not having to work so hard.” His reasoning was idiotic and it hurt me that he was directing this at me of all people.

“This has nothing to do with that, Reiner. I just need a friend to talk to.” He again made a noise that expressed his annoyance at my presence. “Well, go talk to someone who has the time!” He shouted at me loudly. 

I was completely stunned, not knowing what to say. When I opened my mouth to try and say something to calm him down, I heard his door slam open, his mother angrily screaming his name. He shut the window on me, leaving me feeling even more alone in the alley way. 

Anger mixed with sadness. I had always been there for him, woken to talk to him when he was sad. This was the time that I needed him most and he was rude and slammed his window on me.

I couldn’t walk anywhere, falling to the ground, crying yet again. I held myself for what felt like hours, not having the energy to move. At some point, before the sun rose, I finally found the motivation to get up and head back to my house. 

I laid in my bed, falling asleep immediately, tired from all of the emotions I had gone through the past couple of days. I was completely alone.

Notes:

I am very excited to be posting this, I am very in love with the way I have this story going! Updating might be slow bc I'm not used to posting such big chapters!

Please join my discord!! I want more aot and reiner friends! (Link in quotev and wattpad bio) or here: discord.gg/SPNmyV8qJR

Chapter 2: 843-845

Summary:

To the People I have Killed in War:

I know most soldiers prefer to die with honor. Dying under my feet isn’t honorable. Dying in my mouth isn’t honorable. Dying by my claws isn’t honorable. I am sorry I couldn’t give you the honorable death you deserve.

        I listened to my doctor, taking the full two weeks off. Even though this caused me to be behind.  Not physically of course, but after everything that had happened with Viktoria, then with Reiner. I needed that time.

I had hoped he would come to me, at night like he normally would, and apologize for the way he spoke. That was merely wishful thinking.

Unlike Reiner, Pieck visited me a few times, wanting to check up on me. We started to become closer friends due to this. She would come to catch me up on what I missed. Courses were only a small part of what we would discuss. A main talking point of our discussions was how different we felt, now having the ability to change at will. Even though we haven’t tested that ability yet.

It was the second time of her coming over, I was truly expecting the first time to be the last, so it was nice for her to knock at my door yet again. I would be lying if I said, I didn’t hope it would be Reiner when my father called for me.

She came in, filling me in on the lessons quickly. After she finished, things went quiet for a moment. “Reiner got the Armored Titan.” She explained shortly. She obviously didn’t know how I would react to this.

“Really?” I asked excitedly, already forgetting about his words towards me. I shot up from the couch rushing to the door, “I should go congratulate him!” Peick got up too, she obviously didn’t expect me to be so enthusiastic, but she was ready to go along with it.

I had only taken one step out of the door before I remembered the fight. I stood still, my feelings fighting one another. I was truly happy that he had gotten it. But I just couldn’t get over how he treated me.

Peick already seemed to know that the fight happened, but not the contents of it. “What happened between you two?” She asked softly, now walking to stand next to me. “Reiner had said you two had fought, but nothing else.” She seemed worried for me, already knowing how attached Reiner and I had been.

I sighed out of tiredness. “I had always been there for him. Always willing to lend an ear when he needed it.” I sat down on the steps, not wanting to go back inside. “I tried going to him when I needed it, but he yelled at me and told me to go away.” I put my chin on my knees, looking forward out into the streets.

She too sat down next to me, but didn’t say a word. I don’t think she knew what to say. I was so vague she had nothing to go off of. But I couldn’t explain more, I would be risking both of our families. “Did he at least seem remorseful when telling everyone?”

She sucked in air between her teeth and had a weird expression on her face, from that I could tell he wasn't. I looked away, but she quickly tried to reassure me. “The wounds of the fight are still fresh. He’ll understand soon enough.”

 

❃

 

I truly dreaded going back. Not for the classes, nor training, but because of Reiner. It had been so long, in the eyes of a child. But I had no way of knowing how he would react. If he hadn’t gotten the power of the Armor titan, it would’ve been easier. If I wanted to, I could never have to see him again.

I went into class early, wanting to talk to my commander about all I missed. I knew Peick had already caught me up on most of it, but I wanted the military to see that I was willing to work hard for the position I had been given.

Peick, surprisingly, was the first person- besides me- to show up. I had chosen a seat against the wall, encouraging her to sit next to me. I didn’t want to be anywhere near Reiner. The two weeks gave me time to stew in the feeling of loneliness, which only made my anger towards Reiner grow.

A few more of my comrades filtered in. Marcel, followed by Annie. When Marcel noticed that I was there, he smiled and welcomed me back. Annie, on the other hand, said nothing, seemingly ignoring my presence.

Even though I knew it was inevitable, Reiner finally arrived. When he walked into the room, his eyes immediately locked onto mine. He wore his big goofy smile, acting like nothing had happened at all.

Lifting his arm, he pointed at his now red armband. “Look! I did it!” he happily told me.

Dramatically, I turned my head away from him. Not wanting to give him any attention. Even though I couldn’t see his face, I knew that he was pouting. “Aren’t you proud of me?” His tone held deep sorrow.

Even though I was upset at him, of course I was proud of him. The dreams we had been working so hard for, together, had been achieved. I couldn’t tell where our friendship stood though.

I couldn’t tell him that I was proud. I refused to give him that satisfaction. I turned back to him, seeing the saddest, heartbroken expression I had ever seen on someone. I opened my mouth to say something. I don’t even know what I was about to say. Our teacher walked into the room, cutting all conversations off.

“Good morning. Today we will be discussing transformation.” The man said. Reiner scurried to a seat, knowing he’d be in trouble if he interrupted.

The seat he found just so happened to be behind me. I was uncomfortable the whole lecture as I felt his eyes on me the whole time.

When it was time for lunch, I got out of the room as quickly as possible. I made my way to the spot where I had seen Viktoria staring into the sun. It had become my hiding spot away from the military, and that day I was using it to hide from Reiner.

When I arrived behind the building, I spotted the crate that Viktoria would sit on. I did the same as she would. I climbed onto the crate, back facing the wall. I then looked into the sky, watching the sun.

It was weird at first. This was the first time I had ever used my regenerative abilities. I thought that all the pain would’ve disappeared, but it felt as painful as it would without the power of the ten.

I wanted to look away as it began to hurt. It was my instincts. But I pushed myself to keep looking, trying to see what she saw, trying to figure out why she did it.

I know I was doing it to feel closer to her. To pretend as if she was still here. Pretend that she would walk around the corner and cover my eyes, telling me that I shouldn’t do something so stupid.

Deep down I knew she was gone. My eyes began to hurt more as the tears began to build up behind them. I wish Viktoria was there to wipe them away like she had always done.

Instead, I was interrupted by none other than Reiner. “What are you doing?” He asked, seemingly worried.

I don’t know how I didn’t notice him sooner. I snapped my eyes away from the sun onto him. There was a black blob that blocked my vision, making it very hard to see him. I could feel my cells repairing itself as my vision began to come back.

“Nothing.” Was all I said to him. My tone was harsh and standoff-ish. Things went silent. I decided to look back up at the sun, preferring it over the sight of Reiner.

“Hey don’t do that!” He said in a panicked tone, moving in front of me to block me from the sun.

“Why not?” I glared in the general direction of his face, not being able to see the details of it. “It’s not like it’ll cause any damage.”

His frame wavered. Seemingly forgetting that we now can heal ourselves. He then went silent again. Everything about this was awkward, and I was hoping it would cause him to leave.

My vision was completely repaired by the time he spoke again. And I was glaring into his soul. “What happened?” He whispered softly.

Frowning, my brows knit together. I pushed him away from me, not being able to handle being in his presence. With everything going on. All of the emotions of that night were coming back and I was not about to have him see that. “Don’t pretend like you did nothing.” I mumbled as I got off the crate, walking past him.

“I don’t understand! Tell me what I did!” Reiner basically cried out.

He began to follow me as I attempted to get away. My rage was at its boiling point. I snapped around, and shouted as loudly as I could “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

It stunned him. He froze as he looked completely shocked. I had never talked to him, or anyone, like that. I took his confusion as a chance to get away.

Turning the other way, I ran until I was out of his view. As I began to slow down, I realized how tired I was. I thought it was from all of the emotions I had dealt with in a short amount of time.

I slowly made my way back to class, the fatigue beginning to take over. When I arrived back at the classroom, Peick was already in her seat. She looked over at me with a smile.

“How did the conversation with Reiner go?” She asked. I looked at her confused, not understanding how she knew. I made my way to my seat when she saw my confused face. “I overheard Reiner tell Bertolt that he was going to try to talk to you.”

Now understanding, I responded. “I yelled at him to go away.” I sat down in the chair next to her. I crossed my arms on my desk laying my head down on them as I stared at her.

“You’re never going to make up if you don’t talk to each other.” She tilted her head down towards mine to see me better. I knew she was right, but part of me wanted to disagree.

“What if I don’t want to make up.” I mumbled, looking away from her.

“I know you do.” She stated matter of factly. Yet again, she was right and I still didn’t want to admit it.

I refused to answer her, which gave her the answer she was looking for. I looked back at her, even though I had nothing to say. Her face turned to concern. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just tired is all.” my face also contorted in concern noticing her. “Why?”

“You look sickly.” She started to stand up, motioning for me to follow. “We have some time. We should go see the clinician.”

I got up to follow her. “I’m fine really! I’m just a bit tired.” I was complaining the whole way, but I still followed her as we walked down the hall.

We made it to the clinic, and the nurse began to look over me. As she did so, she asked me questions about what I was doing. I told her how I looked into the sun and my eyes fixed itself. She then asked me which titan I had inherited. When I told her, she immediately stopped, backing away from me.

“Your stamina is too low.” She told me. Even though she was trying to help me, I took it as an insult. “The Feline Titan requires a lot of stamina from its holder. Since it naturally has a low amount of stamina, small things such as healing your eyes, will take a lot out of you.”

I nodded my head, still upset at what I was being told. She dismissed us, saying I would be fine to go back to class. On my way out, she told me to get a good amount of sleep tonight.

When we arrived back at class, everyone was already there. Reiner still sat in the spot behind me, but he kept his head low, not looking at me. Even though it was what I wanted, it hurt me. I started to regret my harsh words to him.

Zeke entered the room alongside our teacher. He was there to explain transformation in more detail, as our professor could never experience such a thing. They mentioned how we would be performing our first transformation in a week's time.

Though they talk a lot, I couldn’t help but doze off. I could barely keep my eyes open. By the time we were dismissed, I was on the verge of sleep. Luckily no one other than Peick noticed, or I would’ve been in trouble.

She was the one to walk me home, making sure that I got there safely. The second I entered my home, I made my way to my room. I fell asleep the second I hit the bed.

I awoke to my sister knocking at my door telling me dinner was ready. I was groggy but I felt better. Dinner was mostly silent aside from my dad asking what I had done today. I left out everything with Reiner and what the nurse said. If I had told him that I needed to work on my stamina, he would’ve forced me to spend all my free time working out.

After I excused myself from the table I went to my room. Not having anything else to do so late at night, I began to work on my stamina myself, doing any kind of exercise I possibly could in my room.

Push ups, curl ups, planking, I did everything until I couldn’t move anymore. I had lost track of the time as I laid flat on my stomach on the floor, thinking I could do one more push up. I stayed like that for a while, not knowing how much time had passed.

The only thing that snapped me out of my trance was the sound of something hitting my window. I jumped up and ran to it. For some reason I thought it was Viktoria, even though I knew she was dead.

I frowned when I pushed my curtains aside to see Reiner at my window. Reluctantly I opened the window, planning on yelling at him to go away yet again.

“Why are you here?” I aggressively asked, keeping my hands on the rim of the window, ready to close it any second.

“I had to talk to you.” He kept quiet, not wanting to get caught. He inched closer to the window. “I don’t like not being friends with you.”

“Do you remember why I’m mad at you now?” I asked, cocking my eyebrow at him.

“No,” He put his fingers on the rim of the window, about to force his way in. “But I can’t figure it out unless you tell me. So I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”

I saw him grip the inner edge of my window, as he pushed himself up. I quickly slammed the window on his finger. I felt, and heard, a crack. Reiner yelped in pain as he pulled his hand back, pulling them close to his chest as he tumbled back onto the alleyway ground.

I opened the window again, leaning out of it. I was not expecting to hurt him so bad, but that's what he gets.

“You broke my fingers!” He shouted at me in pain, no longer worrying about being heard. It didn’t take long for steam to emerge from the skin of his fingers.

“They’ll fix themselves soon.” I rested my arms on the edge. “Don’t try to break into my house.”

He walked over to the window again, looking up at me. “Let me in.” He demanded.

“No.” I simply told him.

“Please.” He asked another time.

“No.” I repeated.

“Please. Please. Please. Please…” He repeated over and over again. He was determined to get me to talk to him.

“Why should I?” I have been very clear on my intentions to unfriend him, but yet he persisted.

“Because we’re best friends.” He was so absolute about his answer it shocked me. Even though I was giving him the same treatment he gave me, yet he wanted to try and fix the issue. He was stronger than me in that way.

“What if I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.” I hoped he would leave after that heartbreaking line.

His determination only wavered slightly. “Then tell me why.” He stared me directly in the eyes. “And then let me explain myself. If you still don’t want to be friends after. Then I’ll leave you alone.”

I thought for a moment. It was pretty hard to deny him, especially when he was looking at me like that. Plus, I could just say I don’t want to be friends after, and then I’d be free. It was truly a win-win.

I took a step back to let him in. With his still broken finger, he struggled to get through the window. He fell to the floor of my room with a loud thud, quite the opposite of Viktoria.

“Be quiet!” I quietly yelled at him. “My family will hear.”

“Sorry!” He whispered back.

I held my hand out to him, telling him to stop all movements. I don’t know how I knew, but I could tell my father was already making his way to my room.

I quickly motioned for Reiner to get into the closet. He followed my orders as I rushed to my door. I stood right in front of the door so my father would have no reason to look around.

He swung the door open, looking at me curiously. “I heard a bang.” He loomed over me, trying to get answers out of me. It was always hard for me to lie directly to him.

I played with my hands behind my back, not wanting him to see my anxiety. “I was training and I fell.”

He still didn’t believe my story, taking a step closer to me. “I also heard some yelling.”

“Oh yeah.” I tried to think of something quickly. “I think some kids were fighting in the alley.”

He looked past me to my open window. He walked over towards it, looking out of it. “If you think there’s people fighting in the alley, don’t leave your window open.” He scolded as he closed it and locked it. I quickly moved in front of my closet, trying to protect it but not seem suspicious.

“I know how to protect the family from an intruder.” I smiled slightly, thinking of how I protected the house from Reiner.

“You’d kill us too if you transformed right now.” He said, rubbing the top of my head. Walking past me, he headed for the door. I followed.

“I can do it without the power!” I protested. “I’m still a soldier.”

He smiled softly down at me. “You still have a long way to go.”

“But I’m doing better than most! I got the power of one of the ten!” Now it became more of me trying to prove myself to my dad. I completely forgot about Reiner in my closet at this point.

“Now you have to become the best out of the ten.” He told me with finality, closing the door on me.

I frowned at the closed door. I knew he was proud of me for getting this far, but I felt the dreaded weight of not being enough. He seemed to be softer with me now, but the expectations always loomed over that.

I felt like if I did anything wrong, this new persona of his would be ripped away in a second. The thought of doing something wrong drew my attention back to my closet. If my father had found Reiner in the closet, I don’t know what he would’ve done.

Walking to the door, I opened it. Whispering, I told Reiner. “You have ten minutes.” I had a new wave of anger thinking of my father not being proud of me.

“What did I do?” He asked.

“You pushed me away when I needed you most.” I said plainly.

Reiner sat there in thought for a moment, still in my closet. It seemed like he was trying to remember exactly what I was talking about, which made my anger with him grow.

His eyes widened in realization as he looked up at me. “When you came to my window?” He asked for clarification.

I only nodded my head in response. He stood up, trying to get closer to me. I backed away from him. “I was going to come and talk to you.” He tried to plead with me, still stepping closer.

“Why didn’t you then?” I continued to ask questions, crossing my arms over my chest, trying to keep him out.

“I was chosen to inherit The Armored Titan. Everything after that happened really quickly.” He waved his arms around as he tried to explain, trying to show his genuineness. “My memory of the days before that became foggy.”

I thought for a moment. I knew it was normal to forget things after transforming, even though I barely experienced much of it. But that still didn’t answer all of my questions. “Why didn’t you visit me while I was in the hospital? Or even after?”

“I was told I was not allowed to.” He said plainly.

Looking confused at him, I asked. “Who said that?” It was strange that Pieck was allowed to, but not Reiner.

“I went to visit you in the hospital and your doctor said you weren’t taking visitors at the time.” He began to ramble. “And then I mentioned visiting you in front of our professor and he said we weren’t allowed to visit you as you recovered.”

I was still confused as to why Pieck came to see me then. “Pieck visited me in the hospital and at home.” I told him.

“Well I don’t know then!” He raised his arms in defeat. “That is just what I was told.” He paused for a moment, walking close enough to me to grab my arms and pull them away from my chest. “But that doesn’t matter. I’m sorry for ignoring you that night. What did you have to say?”

I pulled my arms out of his grasp, turning around. “That doesn’t matter now.” I didn’t want to open up to him like that anymore.

He walked around me, trying to get a look at my face. “It does if you’re still mad at me.” I continued to spin around, trying to avoid him. He walked around me until he got fed up, grabbing my shoulders to get me to look at him. “We’re friends, remember? I can be here for you now. So tell me what’s wrong”

It was funny that he already knew that I would forgive him. The soft smile he had on his face while looking at me, made me break. All of the emotions of that night resurfaced as tears began to stream down my face.

“Viktora was like a mother to me.” I said in a sob. Reiner stayed still, giving me a sad look. “She didn’t deserve to be eaten.” The amount of saliva in my mouth doubled as my nose became runny.

Reiner pulled me in for a hug, just as I had done with him the first time he came knocking at my window. I didn’t have to explain anything else to him as he soothed me.

Even though I told him ten minutes, I believe he stayed for a few hours as I uncontrollably cried in his arms. He didn’t make one complaint, which made up for him ignoring me.

I don’t even remember him leaving. I woke up curled in a ball in the middle of my bed and a blanket lazily thrown over me.

Before heading to training, I made sure to stop by Victoria's house to feed the cats. I was told I had a week to clear out her belongings before the government took the building back. I only filled up a box full of small sentimental items. Such as, the note she left me, some jewelry that was in a small box, and the cardigan she would always wear. Aside from that, I could care less about everything.

I didn’t want to walk back into the house, but after clearing things up with Reiner, I felt better. The cats meowed at me angrily as I hadn’t fed them in a few days. They were more than fed well enough by the neighbors, but they knew that I would feed them more if I was coming around. I grabbed some of the cat food that was in a crate on the side of her house.

Using the cup that had been left in the bag, I scooped out enough food for all of the cats, putting it on the ground. They all scrambled to the food, beginning to feast.

When I made my way to the classroom, Reiner and I greeted one another like nothing had happened. Everyone saw the display I had shown him yesterday and seemed shocked by the sudden change. But no one questioned a thing.

As I sat next to him, our drill sergeant walked in. He told us that we would start that day with physical training and we needed to change.

 

❃

 

A week had passed by so quickly. I anxiously sat in the blimp as they flew us to a location far away from Liberio. This was the first time I had ever left the town, let alone been in a blimp.

I held my eyes shut as hard as I could, gripping onto my straps.

They were taking us to a remote location to practice transforming for the first time. They did this to make sure we wouldn’t cause any casualties in the compact town.

I whimpered as I felt us descending. I liked nothing about flying. The feeling of hitting the ground was rough, but it meant that we were finally safe.

Even though I knew we were on the ground, I still kept my eyes closed, not moving an inch. I heard my fellow comrades begin to unbuckle their straps, and I still didn’t move.

Theo Magath, our commander, started instructing everyone to line up and prepare to exit the blimp. That was when Reiner noticed that I still hadn’t moved.

“You have to get up,” Reiner whispered to me “Before he notices you.”

With Reiner’s words, I finally opened my eyes. The room was dark, aside from a small red light that stood high up on the wall. I quickly, but quietly unfastened my restraints. Grabbing my bag, throwing it on my back, I lined up behind Reiner.

Right as I stepped behind him, the metal door began to open. The bright light was blinding to us all. We groaned and covered our eyes, trying to protect them from the sun.

Commander Magath spoke up again. “These next few weeks will be tiring. You will be expected to push yourselves to your limits.” We all responded in unison with a “Yes Sir.”

In line, we exited the blimp. We were in a large field. On the other side was a small log cabin. Magath then told us to run to the cabin, threatening that the last person would not be receiving dinner.

Without another word, Marcel began bolting to the cabin. Everyone else followed behind. I didn’t even think to look back as I ran. I knew that my abilities would wear me out quickly, but I needed that food more than anyone else.

By the time I made it to the cabin, I was fourth to arrive, assuring my dinner. When I turned around, I found Reiner falling behind. I gave him a sympathetic look as he arrived last.

The door to the cabin opened, revealing Zeke Yeager . He seemingly arrived before us. Since he had already mastered his transformation, he would be the one helping us.

I did not know what to expect of our sleeping arrangements, but I didn’t expect for all of us to be sleeping together in one big room. We all had our sleeping bags laid out on the floor. There was barely any floor space.

The room was plain. There was only one door, aside from the front door. And it led to a bathroom. There was only one small shower that all seven of us would have to share the upcoming weeks.

As we waited for further instruction, we all sat on our sleeping bags talking. “Where is commander Magath staying?” Bertolt asked.

“Him and the others are staying across the field.” Zeke replied plainly.

“I bet their accommodations are much better than ours.” Annie commented.

“Of course they do. They’re our higher ups.” Reiner defended them.

“It would’ve been nice if we at least got one more bathroom.” Peick complained. I nodded along in agreement.

“If you’re so upset about it, you can just use the woods and the river near here.” Zeke shut our conversation down, not wanting us to say anything that could be considered treason.

Things went silent until Marcel spoke up. “What does transforming feel like?”

Zeke went silent for a moment, seemingly in deep thought. The only way he was able to describe it was “Power.” The word sent a shiver down my spine.

I looked over to Reiner, who had settled his sleeping bag next to mine. He looked at Zeke with a shimmer in his eyes. I could tell he was excited to have this opportunity, and I know he worked harder than everyone else to get here.

“I’m worried I’m going to hurt someone when I transform.” I admitted, bringing my knees to my chest and hugging them. The images of Viktoria’s first transformation flashed in my mind.

“I will be transformed, so I will stop that from happening.” Zeke replied.

“I’m super excited!” Reiner chimed in. I glared at him slightly. He just brushed over my very valid concern.

Commander Magath burst through the door. We all immediately stood to attention. He had all of us stand outside before beginning our training.

 

❃

 

Our training over the weeks was grueling. We would be pushing our limits before the sun rose until long after it set. The food was the worst. It was basically slop. But we all were too hungry to care. Shoveling it in our mouths, we treated it like it was the best meal we have ever had.

I didn’t mind sleeping on the ground as much as I thought I would. The only thing that annoyed me was Reiner waking me up. Bertolt slept on the other side of him. Throughout the night, Bertolt would sprawl out, getting into Reiners space, waking him up. Reiner would push him away, loudly telling him off at the same time.

This too woke me up. It was a routine that would happen at least once a night. One night, it happened over and over again. I’d be on the verge of sleep and Reiner’s complaining would wake me up. By the third time it had happened, I got up, taking my sleeping bag with me.

Carefully, I stepped over everyone’s sleeping body. I left the cabin, deciding to sleep outside under the stars. That night was the best sleep I had the whole trip. But I got bitten a lot by bugs. So I slept inside for the rest of the time, dealing with Reiner and Bertolt.

After a while, Reiner got used to Bertolt’s strange sleeping habits, being able to sleep through them, letting me rest peacefully.

By the end of our second week, it was finally time for us to transform for the first time. We were all told to stand in the woodline with Magath.

First to transform was Zeke. He stood in the middle of the field. After a short amount of time, a red lightning bolt came from the sky, striking down on him. In a blink of an eye a large creature emerged. A gust of wind soon followed, almost blowing us all away.

The sight of him was unsettling. It was the first time I witnessed one of the ten with my own eyes. I had the instinct to run when it started to walk towards us. The closer it got, the more details I saw. I wanted to throw up. But I knew I couldn’t move, or I’d be in trouble.

Zeke finally stood close enough to us. He kneeled down, extending his hand out to show a knife that seemed so tiny in his hand. Magath turned to us. “You’re up first, Leonhart.” He commanded.

Annie walked up to Zeke’s hand, climbing onto it to grab the knife. While Annie was in his hand, Zeke stood up. I watched her fallback from the unstable surface.

He carried her to the middle of the field, placing her back down. After she got off, he stepped back. There were a few minutes of nothing. Suddenly, a lightning bolt, just like what happened with Zeke.

Annie looked closer to a human than Zeke’s. But it still was unnerving. Her head looked around. She looked lost until her eyes locked on our group. In a moment’s notice, she began darting at us.

I grabbed Reiner’s arm out of fear. He stood still. Zeke tackled her to the ground. The ground rumbled. The sound of her crashing down sounded like a bomb.

nnie let out a terrifying shriek, trying to get out of his grasp. He grabbed the back of her titan’s neck, ripping a chunk out. The titan body began to rise in steam, quickly decaying.

The doctors began to run out from other places in the tree line. All going to Zeke, who was gently placing the chunk of flesh down. Magath followed along as well, going to see how Annie was doing. We all looked at each other in horror. All except Reiner of course. None of us dared to say a word, scared of speaking what we saw into existence.

They carried Annie off on a stretcher. I thought Magath would cancel the rest of our transformations. Yet he came up to us like nothing happened. “Braun. You’re up next.”

It was for the best that he chose Reiner. Everyone else was too scared. He happily made his way to Zeke, a little too excited for this.

Just like Annie, Zeke took Reiner out to the middle of the field. We waited for some time. Then some more. At one point we started looking at each other, wondering what was happening.

Zeke finally moved back to where Reiner was dropped off. He held his hand out. Reiner obviously said something, because Zeke told him. “It’s not going to work.”

A few minutes later, Zeke was walking back. When Reiner got off of Zeke’s hand, I could see all of the cuts Reiner inflicted on himself. Steam emerged from them, blood still dropped down his body. A doctor was slowly making his way over to the group.

Reiner looked devastated. When he stood next to me I whispered to him. “It’s okay, you’ll get it soon!” He turned to me with an angry face. Before he responded, he just nodded his head, looking back down at his healing wounds.

Magath Called out my name. I looked over to him. “It’s your turn.” I hesitated, looking up at Zeke. Magath called my name again, a bit angrier than before.

I dragged my feet over to the giant hand that laid before us. Reluctantly, I touched it, beginning to climb. It was a lot warmer than I had expected.

When I got to the top, there was a knife in the middle of its palm. The same one Annie and Reiner had used. I grabbed it and sat down. Zeke began to move. With my free hand, I braced myself, trying not to fall over from the dramatic movements.

It only took a few seconds to reach the middle of the field. On the way down, I felt as though I was going to fly off. I made sure to dismount Zeke’s hand as quickly as possible.

I held the knife close to my chest as Zeke began to walk away. I knew what I needed to do, but I was too scared to do it. I saw my reflection in the knife. Even the blood that Annie and Reiner had coated it in was gone.

With a deep breath I gripped the blade in my hand and closed my eyes. But I didn’t move from there. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. A defeated sigh left my lips as I went back to looking at the blade.

I put my pointer finger on the tip of the blade. I pushed my finger into the blade. It hurt, but I knew it wasn’t as bad as slicing my hand. I saw my blood come out around the tip of the blade.

Even though I was bleeding, I hadn’t transformed. I looked up to Zeke’s horrid titan form. I remember hoping that I didn’t look like that. Then everything turned black.

 

❃

 

I woke up in the makeshift clinic, confused. The nurse immediately got up from their desk and made sure I was fine.

They explained to me that when I turned, I immediately began attacking Zeke. They said that he struggled for a bit to get me off. I blinded him, going straight for his face. In the end, Zeke obviously prevailed, removing me from my titan.

After the nurse made sure everything was alright, they let me go. When I left the building, I realized the sun was setting. I looked around and saw that I was on the opposite side of the field. Instead of walking I decided to push myself, trying my hardest to get across the field faster than I had earlier in the week.

As I ran, I began to notice things. I was more in tune with my body movements. How my foot was hitting the ground, I even noticed a small mouse that was running away from me. It was weird, I was hyperfocusing on everything at the same time.

I reached the cabin in no time. I was out of breath, but I still opened the cabin door. Everyone was spaced out doing different things. Zeke and Reiner were missing.

I looked over to Pieck, who noticed that I had entered the cabin. “Where’s Reiner?”

Peick went to respond but Bertolt, who was playing cards with Annie, chimed in before she could. “He’s sulking by the river.”

“Could he still not transform after everyone else went?” I questioned, thinking that they would’ve let him try another time before calling it quits.

Pieck solemnly shook her head. I nodded in response, as a thank you, before leaving the cabin. I made my way to the river that sat not too far behind the cabin.

It didn’t take long for me to see Reiner’s blonde hair. He sat at the edge of the water. Knees curled up to his chest, he stared into the running water.

I moved to sit next to him. He didn’t move or say a word. We both looked into the water silently. I didn’t want to push him, so I let him speak first. “Why are you so gifted?” He asked, turning to me.

I laughed, before realizing that he was serious. “I’m not gifted.” I replied seriously.

“Yes you are.” He moved his chin back in between his knees. “You weren’t a last minute pick to become a titan shifter.”

“Neither were you.” I told him sincerely, moving my body to face him.

“Yes I was.” He responded sadly.

“No you weren’t!” I told him with a bit more authority. “You want to know how I know?” He finally looked back over at me, I can tell on his face that he wasn’t going to be amused by my answer. “When I went through the ceremony to inherit the Feline titan, I panicked.” I paused remembering that I killed Viktoria. Swallowing my sadness I continued. “One of the officers said that they should’ve picked you for the position.” I told him sincerely. “I was only able to proceed because Viktoria was able to calm me down.”

“Yeah but they still picked you over me for the position.” He huffed, looking back at the water.

“But they still picked you for the Armored position.” I replied, “Meaning you were thought of for two different titans!”

He didn’t respond to me. I tried to think of something else to say. “I think you’re more gifted than me.” I admitted sadly.

He yet again looked over at me. “How so.”

“You’re more determined than I could ever be.” Now it was my turn to start sulking. “I mean earlier today you came back with so many cuts. You were trying so hard to transform. When it came down to it. I hesitated. I could only prick my finger.

“You still were able to transform though.” He seemed to be getting fed up with the conversation.

“But that’s what I'm trying to say!” I expressed, scooting closer to him. “I know you’ll be able to do it soon. Because you’re so determined to do so. And I know that you’ll be better than everyone when you get it down!”

I finally seemed to get through to him as he softly smiled at me. “When will be the next chance you get?” I asked, curious.

“Tomorrow.” He responded. He looked back out to the water, but this time it wasn’t out of sadness. “They’re taking Bertolt and I somewhere else to do it.”

I tilted my head in confusion. “Bertolt couldn’t transform either?”

Reiner shook his head. “They didn’t let him. It apparently was dangerous to do so. So they’re having to take him far away so he won't hurt anyone.”

I hummed in response. A calm silence fell between us. Out of curiosity I asked “How badly did I mess up Zeke’s face?”

Reiner laughed at the thought. “Pretty bad.” He responded “It was like watching a feral street cat fight over food.”

“I looked like a cat?” I asked out of curiosity, not knowing what I looked like in that state.

“Oh god no.” He laughed again. “You looked horrible. Like a mix of a leopard and a rat”

I pushed him over. “I know you’ll look worse.” I said back to him.

“I highly doubt it!” He retorted, getting up, pushing me back. “Watch! I’ll be the best looking titan.”

“Nu uh!” I pushed him again. Even though it sounded like we were fighting, we had smiles plastered on our faces, and we were giggling between words.

“Maybe that’s why I haven’t transformed yet.” He cockily ran his hand through his hair. “My titan is too gorgeous to be looked upon.”

“Oh please!” I said, pushing him into the water. He was quick to grab my wrist, pulling me down with him.

We fell into the water giggling. It took a few minutes for us to catch our breath. Reiner got out of the water first, extending his hand to me. “We should head back. Dinner should be ready soon.”

I grabbed his hand as he pulled me out of the water. “I’m so hungry.” I complained as we began to head into the trees.

“I miss my mom’s cooking.” He added on.

We walked deeper into the forest. Even though I knew it was supposed to be dark, I could still see everything clearly, almost as if it were day, but everything was in a strange, different hue.

When we got back to the cabin, we were scolded by Zeke for being soaking wet. But we couldn’t care less. We were just happy to be together.

It was nice. It was the first time in a while that Reiner and I had fun together, without the looming of final selection hanging over us. I wish our lives could’ve stayed like that forever.

 

❃

 

The next day, Riner and Bertolt left before the rest of us woke up. As for the rest of us, we met with a specialist team. It was a team of two to three Marlenas that had studied the abilities of the ten’s abilities over multiple generations of use.

My specialty team was newer though. Since they only had old books of the feline titan over a century ago, and Viktoria. “Your abilities are more unknown.” The woman in the middle explained to me. “Which means you will also be helping us, telling us all that you have experienced that seems out of the norm.”

“The abilities that Viktoria had were: Nightvision, keen sense of surroundings, silent movements, heightened smell, and flexibility.” The man on the right stated.

“But we don’t know if some of those abilities are going to transfer over. We don’t even know if they were even caused by the titan, or if those were talents she was born with.” The woman on the left added.

The middle one nodded, bringing it back together. “Is there anything you’ve noticed different since your transformation?”

I sat in silence for a moment, trying to think of anything. “I definitely have been sensing things that I would’ve looked over. And I think I’m gaining the night vision ability, but aside from that, I haven’t noticed anything else.”

The next thing they had me do was transform. I was told that I would be in control this time, but I worried that I would lose control again, attacking the team.

They handed me a knife before stepping away. They all had clipboards, ready to start examining me. Again, I fearfully looked at the knife. I looked up at the team for reassurance. The woman in the middle nodded, telling me to go ahead.

I still didn’t have the strength to create a big gash to transform, so I stuck with the small cut. I took a deep breath before pricking my finger.

Just like they said, I didn’t black out. I could feel my body become enveloped in warmth. I couldn’t see for a few seconds, but when I opened my eyes once again, I was high up in the air. I could tell I was about the size of the cabin.

My body didn’t feel like my body. Well it definitely was no longer my body, but it still felt extremely strange. I tried to step back, but it felt even stranger.

Unlike most of the other titan shifters, I was walking on four legs. I knew that felt most right. When I looked down at my hands, they were closer to paw’s than human feet, but they didn’t exactly look like paws either.  They were completely covered in white fur with black spots. When I tried to flex them, long black nails came out from under my skin. It didn’t hurt, but the feeling was strange. I became fascinated by it, retracting and protracting them while I watched.

The team walked back up to me once they were finished scribbling on their notepads. “Could you try climbing that tree?” They pointed at the thickets, the tallest tree in the area.

Mentally, I responded with a “Yes sir.” but the only thing that came out was a small roar. I was a bit taken aback by it. I walked over to the tree. My feet were unsynchronized, not used to having more than two feet to worry about.

After a bit too long, I arrived at the base of the tree. I had no idea how I would climb the tree. I attempted to stand on my back feet. I quickly lost balance, falling forward, face first into the tree. I gripped the tree with my claws to try and lessen the blow.

Once I regained my balance, I moved my front legs up the tree, still leaning the upper part of my body on the tree. I dug my claws into the wood, it was an uncomfortable feeling.

When I felt my claws were deep enough, I used the force of my back legs to jump up, putting my back feet on the tree. Instinctually I equipped my lower claws, perching myself on the tree.

Now that I was on the tree, I couldn’t figure out what to do next. I looked down at the team below, trying to figure out what I should do next.

“Try doing that again, now that you’re on the tree.” One of them shouted up to me. I looked up, trying to figure out how I was supposed to do that with no ground below me. I hesitated heavily. “Maybe try going faster this time!”

With that, I tried not thinking about it, hoping instincts would take over. That sadly wasn’t the case. My claws retracted once I jumped up, causing me to not grip onto the tree. My back feet couldn’t catch onto anything to save me, so I began to fall to the ground.

Although, my instincts kicked in before I hit the ground. In less than a second, I twisted my body around so my stomach was parallel to the ground. I kicked my back legs. They hit the tree, launching me forward and away from me landing on my team.  I safely landed on the ground. When I turned back to my team, they said nothing, still scribbling their notes down.

They had me repeatedly try. Until I could reach the top of the tree. By the end of the day, they had me practice jumping from tree to tree. They said that I would be most useful in situations where I had things to jump off of.

When I was done for the day, I emerged from my titan form. Everything was hazy, and it felt weird to be in my normal body again. It took me a while to get the strength to fully get myself out of the flesh that protected my body.

By the time I arrived back at camp, Riner and Bertolt had returned. I immediately ran up to Reiner. My eyes held the question I wished to ask him. He smiled back at me, proud of himself. “I was able to do it.”

“I knew you could!” I happily shouted, hugging him. He tensed up in my arms, not hugging me back. I realized that this was the first time that we hugged where one of us wasn’t crying. I immediately let go, thinking he wasn’t enjoying it.

He then asked me how my training went. I explained to him how weird it felt to be in titan form and how having four legs was a big change, but I was able to complete one of the things they asked of me.

He simply smiled, nodding along as I ranted about how everything went and how exciting it was.

 

❃

 

After a week, we all understood our most important capabilities. The next thing they had us do was fight one another. At the time we thought it was stupid, thinking there would be no instance we would run into another titan shifter.

Bertolt went off on his own. They wanted him to focus on mobility. They had Annie and Reiner fight in fist to fist combat. For Marcel, Peick and I, we more-so had to play a strategy game.

Peick had to run around the forest and hide from Marcel and I. While Marcel and I would both have to chase down Peick, and fight each other to try to get to her first.

At first, I was overly confident in my abilities. Believing I could win it easily. But over time, Marcel was becoming a formidable opponent.

Our agility was almost matched, but he could cling onto trees better than I could, making him faster. My senses were better than his though, making it easier for me to find Peick.

Once he realized how quickly I was able to spot her, he would begin to follow me, knowing he would be able to get to Peick before me when we spotted her.

This would turn into us physically fighting. As the titan is named, his jaw was incredibly strong. But my claws are longer, thicker and stronger than his. I would focus on trying to tear his jaw off, knowing it would take some time for him to recover. So before I could get to his jaw, he would try biting my paws off.

While I had four paws, he only had one jaw. At some point, one of us would try to break free from the other, attempting to make our way to Peick.

After one of us had caught her, all three of us would emerge from our titan bodies, debriefing our fight. Sometimes, we would be fighting over any foul moves we did to one another.

The people conducting our training finally caught up to us. They all were impressed with our work, and decided to give us the rest of the day off.

We all happily transformed back into our titan forms, knowing it would get us out of the forest quicker. As we arrived back at the field, we heard loud crashes. When we emerged from the woods, we were able to witness Reiner and Annie’s fight.

They had always been done about the same time as us. Unlike them, we would still have to travel back to the camp. By the time that we arrived back, they were already done. So this was the first time I got to see Reiner’s titan. While I still have never seen what I looked like in titan form, I could already tell Reiner’s looked better than mine. I absolutely hated to admit it. He looked more human-like, while I knew I looked more like a monster.

 

❃

 

Almost immediately after training was finished, they sent us off to war. I thought my father would be happy. This is what he had always wanted for me. Yet the night before we were to leave, he took me out to our normal training spot.

I expected him to want to train, even though I definitely didn’t need it. Instead he wanted me to lay on the ground with him, staring up at the sky. I couldn’t figure out why he had wanted to do this.

We sat together silently, staring up. After a while he finally spoke up, explaining what we were doing. “Whenever I would go to war, watching the stars always made me feel better.”

I said nothing. I didn’t know what to say to that, nor did I really want to say anything. I had to wake up early the next day, so I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep.

“I always knew that your mother was watching the same stars. It always brought me comfort.” I turned my head, looking at him, still not understanding what he was getting at. He too turned to me. “So if you’re ever feeling lonely out there, just look at the stars and know that I’m watching the same stars as you.”

Not understanding what he was trying to get at, I could only nod along. I knew that I wouldn’t feel alone out there because I was surrounded by my friends.

Some more time in silence went by before he finally decided it was time to get up. I followed him, heading back to the house. I didn’t get too far before he called my name. I stopped and turned to him.

Before I could do anything else, he embraced me. As he held me in his arms, I felt him shaking slightly. “Please be safe.” He whispered in my ears. “Don’t do anything stupid.” He paused for a moment, slightly chuckling. “Like stepping on a mine.”

I hugged him back, enjoying the feeling of being loved by him. “My leg will grow back if I step on a landmine.” I chuckled as well. “Plus I will be in titan form so it will barely hurt.”

“Yeah.” He mentioned, not really thinking of that. “Well, still don’t be reckless or do anything stupid.”

“I won't.” I reassured him.

He still wouldn’t let go for a few moments. I heard him sniffle a bit. When he pulled away, he used his sleeve to wipe his eyes and nose, confirming that he was indeed crying.

It made me happy knowing how much he cared, even though he was the one that put me in this position in the first place.

 

❃

 

I was transformed. Bertolt had just transformed right out front of the enemy's walls, completely destroying it and a few of their buildings inside. They had Reiner and I run in from a distance.

I was ahead of Reiner, my smaller titan form and powerful legs made me faster. I ran through the hole Bertolt had made. My goal was to take out any people I saw who manned the guns atop the wall.

The military base was small. It couldn't have had more than ten or so buildings. All the buildings had about three floors.

I made sure to get far away from my entry point, knowing Reiner would be bursting through any moment and I didn’t want to be caught in the crossfire.

As I began to climb the wall, digging my claws into the bricks, I heard a loud crash, signifying that Reiner had finally caught up.

I had already got to the top of the wall by the time Reiner began his mass destruction. His goal was to destroy any important looking building. Honestly the main goal was to destroy anything in our path.

Now at the top, I headed straight for the big guns. Many people were in my way. Using my paws and mouth, I imitated any obstacle. I remember stepping on them. Their bones cracked beneath me. Biting into them as their blood gushed onto my teeth. I remember my next victims, watching me with fear, holding their guns to their chest shakily. I remember being proud of my actions. Proud that I was protecting my country.

The thought of all of it now disgusts me.

When Reiner and I almost leveled the base, I jumped onto his shoulder, being too exhausted to run back on my own. When we arrived back to the launching point, we quickly emerged from our forms, running for the blimp ready to take us away.

The second we entered, I collapsed to the metal ground. Reiner ran up to Bertolt who had sat in one of the seats “Did you see that?” He asked excitedly. “We were so cool! We’re all real heroes after taking out such an important base of the enemy!”

Bertolt barely responded as he watched my limp body on the floor as I looked up at them. The nurse was already checking me out to make sure I was okay.

Reiner finally turned around to see me. “Oh.” he awkwardly let out, now seeing why Bertolt wasn’t responding. “Are you okay?” he didn’t know what else to say.

“Do I look okay?” I asked sarcastically. The nurse helped me into a seat as we needed to leave as soon as possible. I was already feeling sick, so flying on top of that wasn’t the best.

Reiner sat next to me. He held his hand out to me. “You can hold onto me if you want.” Thinking it would be the only way to help. I graciously took his offer, but instead of just holding his hand, I crushed it as I tried my hardest not to puke all over myself. I could tell it hurt with his grunts, but he never complained or told me to stop.

 

❃

 

It felt as though we were thrown into mission after mission with barely any breaks. War got tiring quickly, but there was no way I could escape it. I was stuck with this life until I died in 13 or so years.

Even though I was tired, I was happy to have my best friend with me. When we weren’t on the battlefield we were normally goofing off in some sort of way, often getting in trouble.

The same cycle continued for years until one day. We were on break for about a week. They called all of us in early. We all knew it would be some new mission, but none of us expected how big it would end up being.

Everyone was sitting around the table. Titan Shifters on one side while the Marleyn officers on the other side. Reiner of course sat next to me. He was excited to get a new mission, like always. Excited to kill evil people to protect his country.

They began to tell all of us about the island of Paradis. All of us had learned about it in our studies, but were never told much details. But as an Eldian, we knew we would be sent off there if we were to defy the government.

I was confused, not understanding why they thought to share this information with us, until one of them said. “Five of you will be sent there to infiltrate them.”

“Alone?” I accidentally asked out loud. They nodded their heads as they continued. I already didn’t like the sound of this mission. In every mission so far, there were always Marlyan soldiers waiting to support us in running distance. But any support would be an ocean away.

Not only that, they said that we would have to stay until the mission was completed. Meaning I could be away from home for years before returning.

Our mission: Exterminate everyone on the island and find the titan shifters to return to Marley.

Once they finished their explanations, the head General stood up with a piece of paper in his hand. “The people that will be sent on this mission are.” He started. I closed my eyes, praying that I wouldn’t be sent. Reiner prayed, for a completely different reason.

“Marcel Galliard.” He read off first. My eyes shut tighter, knowing that my chances had just lessened.

“Annie Leonhart.” He read the next name. My fist balled up in my hands, nails digging into my palm. My chances lessened even more.

“Bertolt Hoover.” The next name was read off. I bit my tongue harder. Only two more names needed to be read off and I’d be free.

The General cleared his throat before reading off the next name. “Reiner Braun.” My eyes shot open as I snapped my head at Reiner. His face lit up in excitement. I was saddened at the thought of us being separated.

But then I remembered. They never separated us. Everything moved in slow motion as I turned my head back to the General as he finally read out my name.

My heart dropped as it felt as though all the blood in my body left. Everyone around the table clapped for us, but it only distorted and meshed together.

After the meeting adjourned, everyone went to talk to each other. I on the other hand stumbled out of the building. Walking back home was a complete daze. I am pretty sure I ran into multiple people, most of them insulting me afterwards.

The second I opened the door to my house, I looked for my father. Once I found him, I threw myself at him, sobbing my eyes out. He didn’t understand what was wrong.

We were told to not tell a soul about the contents of this mission, but I couldn’t help the words spewing out of my mouth. Truthfully, I was expecting him to tell me to suck it up and that I should be happy to have such an opportunity. But he did quite the opposite.

He screamed at the top of his lungs about how idiotic they were for sending such young children into such a theoretical plan that left so much room for uncertainties. He was scared for me. He was scared for Reiner.

He threatened to march into their offices to tell them what he thinks. I grabbed back onto him, holding him down and begging him not to, knowing we all would be in trouble if he told anyone.

Stopping, he turned around to me, leaning down he hugged me back, trying his best to calm me down, not even having the words. I sobbed in his arms until I fell asleep from exhaustion.

Notes:

My favorite Riner fic finally updated after months so I finally go the motivation to finish this chapter! I'm excited to write the next one now that we're getting into the main storyline! Idk if the next chapter will be big as these last two were.

Please join my discord!! I want more aot and reiner friends! (Link in quotev and wattpad bio) or here: discord.gg/SPNmyV8qJR

ty for the support!

Chapter 3: 845-846

Summary:

To the People of Paradis:

I often think of Viktoria’s trauma when I think about the day we broke down your walls. I think of how horrific it was for her to experience what she did. I think of how the suffering we have caused you is nothing in comparison. I have hurt people in unspeakable ways and I deeply apologize for it even though I know my apologies don't fix anything.

        They gave us just over a week off to spend time with our families before the trip. It showed how little they cared for Eldians, even the children. We were to be gone at least for a year, at most, forever. Yet we only had a week to say goodbye to our family.

That week was the only time I felt truly loved by my mother. It was strange. For once, we felt like a real family. No worries about war or titan shifters, no worries about the oppression we received.

We were spending almost all of our time together. Talking, playing games, whatever it was, we all had fun. But with that held the underlying sadness. It reminded me of the dinner we had with Viktoria.

I sifted through Viktoria’s items and found a simple silver chain. Clipping it around my neck, I wanted to keep a piece of her with me. Even though I already did with her power within me, I wanted something more physical.

Finding my creaky floor board, I pulled it up, not caring if my father found out, because I would be long gone by the time he did. Grabbing the box full of Viktoria’s items, I placed it under the floor.

I didn’t know how long I would be gone for. I didn’t know what my family would do in the meantime. To be safe, to keep Viktoria’s items safe, I wanted to hide them. No matter what was to happen, I promised to come back for them.

 

❃

 

The week went by in the blink of an eye. Before I knew it, I was hugging my crying family, promising them I would return. I had never seen my dad so distraught. It was worse than him losing his government position. I could sense a severe shift in his opinion on the Marlyan government.

I parted ways with them, not knowing when I would return. I joined the other four on the carriage. We were to be paraded around the town, shown off before being sent away with no support than ourselves.

I sat at the end, beside Reiner. I could immediately tell the difference in demeanor from him. Just a few days ago he was spouting how excited he was to kill the island full of devils.

Now he was sat quietly, zoning out. I had thought that he finally realized the insanity of it all. Just as the carriage began to move, I leaned over to him. “Are you okay?” I whispered, not wanting to draw the attention of the others.

He shook his head. “I met my dad.” He explained. I immediately knew it didn’t go well.

Reiner’s dad was a Marlyan. Due to his mother being Eldian, they were forced to be apart. He had it in his head that they could all live happily if he possessed one of the ten. It was obvious by the way he was acting that his dad didn’t agree with these plans.

It’s not like it even mattered at that point. We were being shipped off. The hopes of coming back were slim.

While the carriage moved along the street I awkwardly sat staring forward. Annie did the same as I. It seemed as though we were the only ones really feeling the weight of our situation as the other three waved at the cheering crowd happily, Reiner’s mood was quickly changing.

What is the point of the few minutes of fame if we were just to leave. These people, these Marlyans, won’t even notice we’re gone. It won't affect their day to day lives. They might hear us in the paper from time to time but then forget it by the next day. But our lives were to be ruined.

 

❃

 

Within the hour we were at the port, walking onto our ship. Our items had already been delivered, even though most of our personal items had to be left behind.

We all went to the stern of the boat to say our final goodbyes to the country. I caught a glimpse of my family. My mother was holding my sobbing sister. My mother couldn’t even look at me as her head was on my father’s shoulder. That would be the last time I ever saw her and she couldn’t even look at me. My father held his cap in his hand, waving it in the air to say goodbye to me.

With a small jolt, the boat began to move away from the port. We all stood there for a while in silence, watching the city get away from us. Eventually the others got bored of watching, walking away to explore the ship. I on the other hand refused to rest until I couldn’t see the city anymore, hoping my father was doing the same with the boat.

Soon enough nightfall came. I could still see the light of the city far far in the distance. Reiner came up behind me informing me that dinner was ready.

I shook my head “I can’t eat. Not yet at least.” I mumbled the last part.

“They’re cooking us fresh caught lobster.” He tried to convince me. He leaned against the railing beside me, back to the ocean. “It smelled like those high up officer’s lunches. But better.”

I cracked a small smile but it quickly disappeared. My eyes were trained on the small yellow dot in the distance and I feared if I looked away I would never see it again.

“Come on, you should come inside. It’s getting cold out here.” He tried a different way of coaxing me away. He turned around, looking out to the ocean. He knew exactly what was on my mind. “This isn’t the first time we’ve been away from home. We’ll make it back like we always do.”

“No I won't.” I said back. I don’t know why I said that. It was my instincts.

“What do you mean?” He was shocked by my words. I could tell he was questioning if I would commit treason.

“I don’t know.” I said breathlessly. “I’ve had this sickening feeling that I will never make it home again.”

“Don’t say that.” He reached out for my hand. I only moved it away from him, not wanting it. Pausing for a moment, he continued. “I’m here. Not just me, Bertolt, Marcel, and Annie, we’re all here and we will all make it back.”

Reiner’s word’s didn’t settle my stomach one bit. We sat in silence for about ten more minutes before the small speck turned to black.

I pushed off the railing eyes tailing up to the sky, knowing my father was watching the same stars that night. “Could we come back out after dinner?”

“Of course!” Reiner smiled, not seeing any reason to object.

 

❃

 

We were only on the boat for two days. The island of Paradis wasn’t far from Marley. I didn’t even watch us arrive at the island. I went to bed one night and woke up to us being docked. They fed us greatly before unloading the horses and then us.

Against the dock was a large wall with many staircases going up to the top. This is where they took the bad Eldian’s to turn them into titans. They would drop them off here to harass the people of Paradis. People that had no knowledge of the outside world.

They made sure we would have enough food for the next couple of days to at least make it to the walls. We were reminded of our mission; Informed when in the month they arrive; And warned to go at night to avoid any titans.

Then they left us alone with our horses. We sat on the beach watching the boat float away from us. Waiting for the sun to go down. We didn’t talk much, the weight of everything crushing us.

Marcel was the one to finally speak up. “I think it is safe for us to start moving.” We got on our horses, trotting closer to the wall.

Marcel was the oldest so he naturally fell into the leadership position. Not because he wanted to, but because we forced him to. He was just as scared as we were and it was worse as a leader.

We rode in silence for hours. Our horses moved at a slow trot, none of us wanting to arrive quickly. Eventually the moon started to descend from the sky.

Tying our horses up to a tree, we made a fire to huddle around. Finally we began to talk. We talked about our trip so far and then it turned to our mission.

The way Marcel and Bertolt talked quietly about it made it evident that they didn’t want to be here either, even if they were happily waving to the crowd on the carriage. I couldn’t help but chime in, expressing my wishes to return home.

Reiner was shocked, betrayed by our words. Shakingly, he asked, “Don’t tell me that you’re hesitant to kill the devils of this island?”

He continued to spill on about our mission and the propaganda the government had shoved down our throats. I always shut down when he got like this, and this time was no different.

I told him “No one here cares about that.” It was something I had been wishing to say for years, and with the feeling of impending doom, I finally got the courage. At least I didn’t have to worry about people overhearing it and turning me in.

Mercel finally shut Reiner up by saying. “I’m sorry.” Reiner was silent, not understanding his words. “You weren’t supposed to be chosen as a warrior.” He admitted.

Marcel for months had been praising Reiner to the higher ups and made his brother- Porco, look bad. He did this in hopes of keeping Porco away from danger, away from this island.

At this point, Marcel was crying. He felt guilty that he was the reason Reiner had to be  to be subjected to all of this. Reiner still didn’t understand the weight of our situation as he stood quietly.

The sun had risen by this point and suddenly the ground began to shake. Before any of us could realize what was happening. A small titan had risen from the ground behind Reiner.

All of us but Marcel froze in fear. Marcel pushed Reiner away from the monster as it grabbed for him. The titan grabbed Marcel instead, putting him in its mouth as it bit down. Mercel's blood squirted everywhere, pouring out of the monster’s mouth.

Reiner was the first to run, as he was the one to get hit with reality first. Bertolt followed, then I. Annie was slow to respond, but was the only one to grab her pack before running.

We ran and ran and ran. It felt like it had been hours, but we had to make sure we were far enough away. Reiner was far ahead of us, never once looking back. He eventually fell under a tree. Screaming our names out, he assumed we too had been eaten.

Annie informed us that we were there by kicking him in the stomach. I yelled at her for doing such but my complaints went unheard. Reiner screamed out of fear, thinking that he was about to get eaten.

Annie began to state what we should’ve done differently, saying we should turn around now, as it would be useless for us to try and continue on.

I couldn’t agree more with her. I didn’t want to be on that island in the first place. Bertolt agreed too. With seemingly all of us in agreement, we started to walk back to the beach.

Reiner on the other hand disagreed, calling out to us, saying we couldn’t leave and that we should stick to the original plan without Marcel. I didn’t listen to him. I wanted to follow whatever plan got me home quicker.

Annie remarked that she understood why Reiner wouldn’t want to go back; saying he would be eaten by the next in line. I froze, not knowing what to do. I didn’t want to attack these people, but I also didn't want Reiner to die.

At that time, Reiner was more important to me. “We would all be killed if we went back now.” I added to Reiner’s point, despairing. I fell to the ground, grabbing my head as it felt like it was splitting. Our mission hadn’t even begun but we were already faced with such a disparaging choice.

Reiner began yelling. I could hear what he was saying but I wasn’t listening. Eventually, Annie shut him up with another kick, but it was then followed by screaming from her.

All I could do was watch in horror as they fought one another, crying for them to stop. Bertolt stood to the side, quietly begging as well. I couldn’t hear their words over my own cries, but by their faces, I could tell they wanted to truly kill one another.

Reiner got Annie in a chokehold and ended the fight by saying. “Reiner is dead. If Marcel is what you need. I’ll be your Marcel.”

Reiner was never the same kind hearted boy ever again.

 

❃

 

Everything moved very quickly after that.

Annie and I had taken turns transforming to run. It took ages for us to even see the wall. We had titans chasing us the whole way, trying to eat us like they did Marcel. By the time the wall was just out of our reach, we both were exhausted and couldn’t continue.

Reiner had to transform to make the final push. He ran right to the base of the wall to drop off Bertolt before bringing us a safe distance away. The hoard of titans were hot on our trail. It would only take a few minutes for them to be on us.

Bertolt transformed. This was the first time I had seen his titan so close. It was terrifying for me, and I wasn’t the one on the inside. I couldn’t imagine how it must’ve felt to see that thing appear over the walls that were supposed to protect you. Especially if that thing was to break down your only protection.

I huddled closer to Annie’s semi-conscious body. Surprisingly, Reiner’s body jolted forward. I looked up to see a titan peering down at me over Reiner’s shoulders.

With one hand, he protected Annie and I, the other he tried to force the titans off of him. Suddenly he began to run towards Bertolt. That is when I noticed a titan sauntering towards Bertolt. By this point Bertolt had already kicked in their gates and detransformed. He was vulnerable freshly out of the colossal titan’s carcass.

The titan was too close to him. There was no way we would be able to make it in time. I thought we were to lose another within just a few hours. But before Reiner could reach the titan, it turned its attention to the hole that had been created. Slowly, it moved through the hole, into the town.

Grabbing Bertolt, Reiner  quickly climbed the wall getting away from the titans below. Once we arrived at the top, he laid us down gently. He turned to the city below, ready to descend and cause more havoc. Even from up there I could hear the screams and panic of the innocent citizens.

“Wait!” I called out to him. “I want to come with you.” I don’t fully understand why I said it. Maybe it was because hours ago I was sobbing at the thought of losing him, I didn’t want him to go alone.

I could tell he was hesitating, but I pressed on. “I have the energy. I was able to recover while Annie did the last bit of running.”

Reiner finally gave in, laying his hand down for me to climb into.

As he clawed down the wall, the screams got louder. Everything was already overwhelming. He ran away from the wall, knowing there were too many titans to allow me time to transform. I couldn’t even look as I faced his titan body.

Finding an empty alley, he placed me down against my will, regretting my decision to join him. I grabbed out for him again but he was too preoccupied by the mission and ran off with thunderous steps. Leaving me alone in the alley. I looked down at my hand, knowing what to do, not knowing if I could do it.

I had the small knife my father gave to me attached to my belt. I reached for it but was stopped by hearing a man address me. I turned around to see the man wearing a flower on his tan jacket .

“You need to get out of here kid!” He shouted to me. He was terrified, yet here he was trying to help me. Me who was one of the people that was causing all of this.

“Where are your parents?” He stepped towards me, but before he could even take one step into the alley, a small titan grabbed him. He screamed out of fear, then turned to me. “Run!” he yelled at me “Run for your life.”

The sound of a loud snap could be heard as the titan bit him into two. His legs fell to the ground with a thud as the titan soon turned its attention towards me.

I could survive this. I knew I could. If a titan grabbed me, I could just bite my cheek and transform before being bitten in half. But all senses left me.

Instead of grabbing my knife and transforming then and there, I ran. I weaved in between buildings. I followed people, believing they would know the route to safety. All around me boulders and rocks were falling from the sky, people being eaten, people getting crushed. Children mourning their mothers. Mothers mourning their children.

Chaos. Sadeness. Grief. Anger. Confusion. Fearfulness.

All these ‘devils’ were feeling such heavy emotion and I truly realized. These were no devils. No. Not at all. These were people. And I have killed every single one of them that laid at my feet. And I was to kill the rest of them.

Suddenly everyone I came across began to look like Victoria. I remembered her pain. Here I was, causing it to others, tenfold. She wouldn’t be proud of me.

My knees came crashing down onto the stone below me as I saw a child crying over the top of her decapitated mother. The people on the island weren’t the devils. We were.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the thumping of titan feet coming from behind me. I would’ve gladly given myself to the creature, if it wasn’t for the little girl.

She couldn’t have been more than five years old. Too young to understand what to do in this situation. I grabbed her and ran. She fought me, screaming and kicking. But all I could think to do was keep running.

Before I knew it, the titan was on me, and I couldn’t run any farther. I could barely breathe and I couldn’t even stand on my two legs anymore. I turned to look at the thing one last time before my end. Right as it went to grab for us, a person flew by wearing an almost identical outfit to the guy before, but this one bore two swords crossed over.

The titan fell, the immediate danger was gone, yet I still couldn’t move. They yelled at me to keep running. I couldn’t move. They yelled again, scanning the area for any more titans. I could only stay still, clutching the girl that never stopped screaming.

The person finally came up to me in a hurry. That is when I could see more details. Their mid length hair was tied up as they had their glasses securely attached to their face. They kneeled in front of us, and asked me. “Is this your little sister?”

I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell them that I knew who caused all of this. That I caused all of this. That I found this random little girl and grabbed her out of self pity. So, all I could do was nod.

They continued. “Listen, for your sake. For your little sister’s sake. You’re going to need to run as fast as you can.”

Tears welled up in my eyes as I said “I can’t.” Deep down, the meaning of my words were that I couldn’t handle the mission anymore. I couldn’t put these people through any more pain.

The person took it as I couldn’t move anymore and took the girl from me. “Can you run on your own?” They asked. Again, not knowing what to do, I nodded. “Then I will run with you while holding your sister. As long as you can run beside me you two can make it to safety. The boats are not that far away. Can you do that for me?”

This person was trying so hard to get me and the girl to safety, I knew I at least needed to say yes for their sake. So we ran. The person wasn’t wrong about how close we were to the boats. There was a huge crowd surrounding the small dock. People begging for them to be allowed on, for them to get to safety.

The person that saved us grabbed my hand and pushed through the crowd until we were at the front. Many people threw insults at us, saying it was unfair that we were allowed to skip, but I didn’t care, as long as this girl got to safety.

Once we got to the board, the person handed me back the girl. While placing a hand on my head, they said “You’re going to need to take care of your little sister from now on? Okay?” They were so gentle. Even though they were faced with all of this, they tried to put on a brave face to try and keep us calm.

I was pushed on board before I could do anything else. I sat on the floor of the wooden boat. The little girl had stopped crying, just sitting and staring into space. I couldn’t blame her as I did the same

The boat eventually started moving and we were all towed away from the insanity. The screams and smell of death slowly dissipated.

 

❃

 

We passed another wall before being offloaded. I just followed the crowd while keeping a hold on the little girl’s hand. She was silent, following me because there was no one else to follow. I never said a word to her, nor did she to me. Eventually they loaded us into a warehouse type building.

It had thin blankets laid out on the floor and they were serving a watered down soup to people as they entered. I couldn’t eat. Not after all of that. I opted to give my bowl to the little girl. We sat in the corner as she drank both bowels quickly. It was clear her mother didn’t feed her beforehand.

I wondered how many people didn’t get to eat their lunch before they were killed. How many people forgot to kiss their loved ones before leaving for work. How many people died.

I tried to tell myself that I never killed a single person with my bare hands, it was the savaged titans that did. I said it to try and make myself feel better, but no matter what way I tried to spin it, deep down, I always knew the blood was on my hands.

Eventually, a man ran at us, screaming the name Isabelle. The little girl stood, running at her father. They both sobbed as the girl repeated “Mamma” over and over again. All the father could respond with was “I know.”

I stood to leave, knowing my job of protecting her was over. Her father stopped me by grabbing my wrist. “Thank you.” He said with teary eyes.

I shook my head, knowing that if I weren’t here, none of this would’ve happened. That girl would have a mother. That husband would have a wife.

“Come with me.” He told me, “I will take care of you. You saved my daughter’s life. It’s the least I could do.”

I removed my hand from his grasp, shaking my head again. “I need to look for my friends and family.”

He nodded his head understanding. “If you can’t find them, I’ll be over there.” He pointed to the otherside of the warehouse.

I walked out of the doors of the warehouse needing fresh air and to get away from people. Walking towards the woodline, I just wanted to get away.

Before I could go any further, I heard my name be called. When I turned, I saw Reiner running at me full speed. I stood still as he ran into me, enveloping me into a hug.

“I thought you died.” He confessed breathlessly. “I should’ve left you on the wall.”

I returned the embrace, shoving my head into his shoulder, crying. “I’m sorry. I got scared and I couldn’t do it.”

"Don’t apologize.” He hugged me tighter. “I made the wrong call. I won’t put you in danger like that again.”

I only nodded into his shoulder as I couldn't stop crying. The emotions falling out of me.

 

❃

 

There were two ways you could go after the tragedy. Work in the fields, or go off and fight. Since we were still children, they forced us into the fields.

Any able bodied person was sent to die by the hands of the titans. They had gathered thousands of people to reclaim the wall that had been destroyed. What they really did was send people to fight an enemy they didn’t really know. They were blind to who the real enemy was, us.

There we were, being sheltered under their homes, being fed by their food. They struggled because of us. But there they were, caring for us like we were victims, just like them.

Annie and I would sneak into the capital often, scouring for any small amount of information about the king. I on the other hand, was not cut out for intel gathering, as Annie was always the one to find things out.

I started joining Annie, giving her some backup, instead of us breaking up. Although, I feel like most of the time I was just in the way for her. Even though we spent weeks on end alone with one another, we barely grew closer.

It took years to get any sort of information. What we- she found out was that the current family on the throne was false. The real king and holder of the founding titan was hiding and ruling from the background. This most definitely would make the mission even harder. Now we had to find this secret royal family.

Next thing we did was report our information to Reiner, who was the self appointed leader of the group. None of us disagreed with him being the leader, so it worked out perfectly.

He decided the best way to get close to the government was to join them, and the easiest way to do that was to join the military. At that age, we were more than capable of joining the military. But we were only thirteen, you’re only allowed to start training at fourteen, and worse, we would have to be in training for another three years.

This mission was already chalked up to be at least five years. Five years feels like eternity in the eyes of a child. I imagined my father growing old, my sister becoming her own person. She was only nine when I left her.

I mourned the loss of time with them. Every night I would sneak out from the communal living space and go outside to look at the stars.

On occasion, Reiner would join me. Sometimes we would sit in silence, other times we’d talk. It was strange. I knew him for so many years but now he had felt like a stranger. I clung onto the hope that my friend would return. There were small fragments of time where I believed he was still there deep down.

One time we laid under the spring stars. I thought that night, we wouldn’t be talking, but he broke that silence by asking. “Do you still feel like you’re not going to make it home?”

I stayed silent for a few moments, being shocked by this question. I thought he had forgotten about that whole conversation. The way he acted made it feel like he completely forgot everything that made him the sweet kid he was.

Finally, I responded with. “Yes.”

He too went quiet. I turned to him, trying to read his brain, which felt impossible then. “We’ll be joining the military soon.” He said seemingly out of nowhere.

“We’re already in the military.” I reminded him.

“We’ll be joining the enemy's military.” He corrected himself before continuing. “It will be the most dangerous thing we’ve done since we got here. I promise no matter what, I will make sure you won’t die.”

He turned to me, his eyes determined, yet soft. I smiled at him as I moved closer. I wrapped my arm around his neck as I put the weight of my torso on him.

I hugged him like this for a while, the tension that had been building up for two years finally releasing. He hugged me back firmly.

When I moved away from the hug, I hovered over him. “Thank you.” I whispered.

He was flustered, face slightly red. “Of course.” He stumbled out. “As the leader, it’s the least I can do.”

“No.” I cut him off. “You’re my friend. Not my leader. You need to remember that.”

“Of course I’ll remember that.” He retorted defensively. I backed off him, letting him sit up. Holding my pinky out, I wanted him to promise me.

He reached his hand out, hooking out pinkies together. Before he could pull away, I pulled his hand closer to me. “Friends forever.” I demanded.

He gave me a goofy smile. One like he used to before the island. “I wouldn’t dream of breaking a promise like that.” I finally let go of his pinkie, feeling much better.

Notes:

Finally not a 10K word chapter. Since we're getting into the more cannon events, the chapters wont be spanning over YEARS and will most likey be about this lenght.

I hope you all are enjoying reading this as much as I am writing it!! Pls LMK your thoughts. I also started reading the manga so things will be more manga accureate from now on but there are still small details I will change fore entertainment and storys sake

If you haven't you should join my discord server! it'll be fun!! Link in quotev and wattpad bio) or here: discord.gg/SPNmyV8qJR

Love you all and than you for reading!!

Chapter 4: 847

Summary:

To Commandant Shades:
I thank you for teaching me how to be my own person. Without your guidance, I would’ve had broken morals. But you helped show me who I really needed to become. May you rest in peace.

After two years on the island, we made it to training. Finally, we were one step closer to returning to our homeland. It was getting unbearable, the feeling like we were getting nowhere in our investigation.
Many nights were spent thinking about returning with nothing in hand. Sometimes, once Reiner fell asleep, we would talk about just leaving. Leaving Reiner behind to finish the mission by himself.
Even though I felt guilty about the thought of leaving him behind, I couldn’t help but resent him at times for the way he was so hell-bent on completing the mission. Reiner told us that he would be the new Marcel, the new leader, and he took that position extremely seriously.
So there we all were, standing in rows along with many others who wished to join the military. Standing straight, all in identical clothes with the same crossed swords embroidered on the back of our beige jackets.
It was ironic. This wasn’t the first time I was joining the military. Not only that, this was the second time I was forced to join the military.
Commandant Shades walked in between people, finding the ones that looked too uncertain, too weak for the work that was required. When he found his next victim, he would abruptly stop in front of them, turning to face them. With a booming voice, laced with aggression, he would ask “What are you doing there.”
Most people he asked would stutter their words out, intimidated by his presence. But there was one who stood out from the rest. A girl that didn’t shake or stutter when he walked her way. It was almost like she didn’t even notice what was happening as she bit down on her potato.
When the Shades saw her, he froze out of pure shock. He moved, getting right in her face as he yelled at her, demanding her name.
She introduced herself as Sasha Braus. Sasha kept a tight grip on her potato as she gave her salute, explaining as to why she had the potato during such an important moment.
Shades was practically shaking, full of rage and confusion. As he continued to question why. Sasha got more confused as to his line of questioning.
Eventually, she broke off a small piece, calling it “half” of the potato, and offered it to him. You could hear the humming of a cricket through the silence.
The sight was funny, I couldn’t help but break a smile, giving a chuckle along with it. Reiner was quick to clear his throat, reminding me to keep myself together. I straightened my face, looking forward to Annie who stood in front of me. Her face, stoic as ever.
Commandant Shades punished the girl for her informality by refusing her meal privileges for a week, forcing her to run until sunset.
She was named “Potato Girl” by the other cadets. Just as the Commandant commanded, Sasha ran until the sunset. As she had only started training, she struggled to run around the premises, flailing her arms lowly as she tried to keep going.
It didn’t take much longer until we were eating dinner. Somehow, the slop they gave us was worse than what we were having out on the fields. I didn’t understand how they expected so many people to build up enough strength to become soldiers on such a deficient meal.
Eldians at home didn’t get as fancy or nice meals as Marlyans did, but at least I could call that food. My mother had always been the worst cook I had ever known. But times like those made me miss it dearly.
Reiner and I were sitting in absolute silence as we ate. Annie and Bertolt decided not to join us, sitting elsewhere, trying to branch out to make new connections.
Times like these with Reiner killed me. He was a completely different person in a crowd versus when we were alone. When it was just him and I, we could be our true selves, talking about whatever, but when with others, we acted as if we barely knew each other, only talking when necessary.
What made that first night worse, was one of our victims was conveniently sitting right behind us. His name was Eren Yager, a boy who witnessed the horrors of Shiganshina. Horrors we caused.
Many cadets surrounded him, asking for the details of that day. He spoke as if that day didn’t affect him much, answering the questions nonchalantly.
I turned to Reiner, to see what his thoughts were. He was frozen, staring down at his food, as though Eren was about to turn to us and profoundly state “I know you were the ones who did it”.
I couldn’t tell if Reiner felt remorse for his actions, or was just fearful of us getting caught. Truthfully, if we were caught, we could just simply transform, killing everyone in the vicinity and make our escape.
Eventually, Eren choked on his food, remembering the true horrors of that day. But he was soon to recover, stating he was ready to slaughter every single titan, every single enemy.
Knowing that it included me, I couldn’t handle hearing what he had to say any longer. I stood from my seat, and grabbed my food before I left the messhall. I didn’t even give Reiner a glance, letting him wither in his own form of guilt.
I stood on the porch of the mess hall, looking up into the sky as I finished off my bread. A lot of commotion could be heard from inside before the door swung open.
A girl held Eren over her shoulder. She threw him to the wood of the porch, fixing up her scarf. This girl is Mikasa, Eren’s loyal companion. They were childhood friends. Trauma bound them together.
They argued before Eren noticed me staring. “What are you looking at?” He spat at me, angry that I was witnessing him being scolded by a girl.
I said nothing, just grabbed my plate before walking off the porch. I could feel it deep in my gut, Eren was someone I needed to avoid. There was no evidence at the time to the being he truly was, but I could tell it was best to stay away from him.
As I walked further away, I found Potato Girl gnawing at a piece of bread like a rabid dog. It was obvious someone decided to give her some food, as she had been running for about four hours with no meal in sight.
I looked down at my slop, deciding I had enough to eat. I walked over to her, handing her my plate for her to eat as well. A short blonde girl walked up to me, holding a pouch of water. It was obvious that she was the one that brought Sasha the bread.
Sasha looked up at the both of us, her eyes sparkling with life as drool seeped out of her mouth.
“You two,” she screamed out, “You two are glorious beings!”
Another person walked up behind us. Sasha scarfed her food down, not wanting this other girl to take it away from her.
“Are you two trying to be nice?” The tall girl with freckles asked.
The short blonde seemed stunned by this question, but I was quick to respond. “I’m not hungry. I just thought it’d be better eaten then thrown out.”
At this point, Sasha passed out, her face landing on the blonde. I didn’t care for the two of them at the time, not wanting to try and bicker about my reasoning.
The two continued their conversation as I walked off, farther from the camp, closer into the darkness. My eyes glued to the sky as they were every night. My hand played with Viktoria’s silver necklace that laid between my uniform and skin. This nightly ritual was what kept me going, reminding me of what I needed to get back to.
I sat on the dirt, watching as the stars slowly moved throughout the sky. Footsteps approached but I paid no mind to them, being able to recognize them instantly.
Reiner sat beside me like he always does. It was a gamble if tonight was going to be a night where we talked all night long or one spent in silence.
“You know.” Reiner started, deciding that he wished to talk. “You have changed so much since we were children.”
My brows furrowed as I turned to him “You shouldn’t be the one talking about changing.”
Reiner let out a soft chuckle, comfortably leaning back on his hands. “We have both changed, but I feel as though you are much rougher than you once were.”
I straightened myself up, shocked at what he was saying. “Are you sure you haven’t looked in the mirror lately? Mister ‘I’m the leader so I must show no weakness to anyone?’” I mocked his voice as the words came out.
“You of all people know that it's just an act for others.” He sighed, finger tips reaching out towards mine.
“You haven’t been putting down that guard often as of late.” I sadly told him. It was the truth, I felt as though Reiner, my Reiner was slowly slipping out from in between my fingers.
“Well I do have to remind you that I am strong enough to protect you.” He softly smiled at me. “I promised I’d get you home.”
“Those two things do not equal the same.” I told him as I leaned my head on his shoulder. “I will always see you as the boy that would break curfew just to come into my room in the middle of the night and sob into my arms.”
“I don’t want you to see me like that.” He turned his face away from me.
“Like what? Human? My childhood best friend?” I questioned, watching him slip again.
“Weak.” His voice barely cracked, but I heard it.
“Reiner.” I called out, lifting my head, but he wouldn’t look at me. “Reiner, please.” I grabbed the hand that was now beginning to inch away from me.
“No.” He pulled it away. “I’m supposed to be the strong one. The one that leans on no one. The one that takes care of everyone.”
“You don’t have to be.” I reminded him.
“Yes I do. Because if I don’t, then everything falls apart.” He finally snapped his head back at me.
“But then who takes care of Reiner?” I asked him.
He shook his head “No one.”
“Reiner, you will break. That is way too much for you to put on yourself.” My hand reached up to his face holding it as I would when he cried on my bedroom floor. “Please, just let me be there for you. At least some of the time if not all.”
The look in Reiner’s eyes was foreign, but I could recognize that it resembled some sort of respect. He pulled away before laying down on the dirt ground.
I followed suit, asking “Is that a yes?”
“Yes” he shortly responded.
I turned my head towards him. “I do need a favor though, before it kills me.”
He turned his head towards me, asking. “I will do anything for you.”
“Stop ignoring me.” His soft smile wavered, as I was already frowning. “I hate our interactions during the day. I feel as though you only talk to me like a comrade.”
“Of course.” He responded with a nod. “But you also need to do the same. I don’t see you going out of your way to talk to me either”
“I will.” I responded. Silence landed upon us once more, but it was more comfortable than before. Of course, I had to ruin it, wanting to pick apart his brain. “What were you thinking when Eren was talking?”
“Nothing.” Was all he gave me.
“Hey, what did you just promise me?” I snapped back, getting angry that he was still closing me off.
“I’m being serious.” He responded, sitting up a bit. “My brain went blank. What were you thinking that made you get up and leave?”
“I kept thinking about how I stood there amongst them and I couldn’t transform.” I sat up, curling my knees to my chest. “I think about how I failed, my fear taking over.”
Reiner was silent before opening his mouth. “We’ve been over this many times. You didn’t fail. I failed you. You weren't supposed to be fighting on the ground like that. I should’ve never taken you with me.”
“But I still feel bad about it.” I mumbled, it was my turn to look away from him.
“Well you should stop.” His logic is as strong as a five year old. “I will never put you on the front lines again.”
“You can’t just keep me out of battles.” I rolled my eyes at him.
“I can and I will.” He said firmly. “Your strength is better utilized in spying and information gathering.”
I sighed, knowing I wasn’t going to get through to him. It was funny how we spent years of our lives being the first ones on the scene, first to wreak havoc. But now that he was in command, he refused to let me join him again. It reminded me how Marcel was willing to throw Reiner under the bus to save Porco.
“I couldn’t stand the look in your eyes once we found you.” He admitted quietly. “I refuse to let you feel like that again.” He paused before continuing. “That is why Bertolt and I will be the ones to kill Eren.”
I shot up completely stunned by this revelation. “What?”
He sat up fully to face me. “Oh come on, I know you sense it too. Something is very off about him.”
I nodded, but was still shocked that we would resort to violence so quickly. I didn’t disagree with this notion, there was something so off, so wrong, but I couldn’t pin point it.
“This mission has been bumpy enough, we need to try and smooth out the rest as much as possible.” Reiner explained. “Do you disagree?”
“No. He needs to be killed.” If only it was that simple.

❃

Training was simple for someone who had already been through it. Like most military regiments, we focused on physical build up. But unlike the rest of the world, we also had to be trained on ODM gear.
ODM gear allowed humans to soar through the sky like mosquitoes. It was an essential for the soldiers on an island full of titans. The first step was balance. They had these massive metal structures. You would get strapped in by the wires that attached to the hilts on your waist. They would slowly lift you off the ground, allowing you to learn how to balance.
I was one of the people that knew how to instinctually balance. I chalk it up to the fact that I had become of my titan abilities, but others just had raw talent.
Someone who didn’t get it easily was Eren Yager. He tried multiple times, each ending with his face in the dirt. I watched as Shades shook his head in disapproval as Eren was helped to the nurses to get his head patched up.
I made my way over to Reiner, leaving my assigned group. Once he noticed me coming, he backed away from others, knowing I wouldn’t get out of line for something that wasn’t secret.
I made sure to get extra close to him, so no one could hear. “Wouldn’t have to kill him if he gets sent to the fields."
Reiner answered by nodding. “We’ll have to see though, they said he's allowed to try again tomorrow.”

❃

After dinner, I did what I always did. Find a spot outside to look at the sky. Reiner always joined me, for at least a little bit, but this time was different. He wasn’t alone, Bertolt was him.
Bertolot wore a shaken, nervous face, which in turn worried me. I turned to Reiner looking for answers.
“We’re killing Eren tonight.” Reiner told me as though he was telling me what he had for dinner tonight.
“So soon?” I questioned.
“He asked us to help him with training.” Bertolt explained. “I told him we’d sneak out and help him.”
“And?” I asked more, wanting to hear more about this plan.
“We’ll take him to the cliff side, and he’ll have a little accident.” Reiner explained proudly, as if he thought he had concocted the most brilliant plan.
“Okay.” Was all I could respond with, indifferent.
“Okay?” Reiner asked aggressively. “Do you have a better plan?”
“What?” I questioned where this aggression was coming from. “No, I was just agreeing. Don’t push your insecurities on me.”
Bertolt quickly spoke up, noticing that this was about to turn bad. “It was just a misunderstanding. Let’s just drop it.”
I huffed, looking back up into the sky. The feeling in my stomach grew. I could tell something was wrong with Reiner, and I was frustrated that I couldn’t figure out what.
It wasn’t until the next morning that I realized that Reiner, deep down, didn’t want to kill Eren. I knew this because the next morning I watched Eren walk into messhall like everything was perfectly fine.
My head immediately snapped to Reiner as he avoided my gaze. I wanted nothing more than to get up and demand answers, but I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to cause a scene.
Eren was able to try the test again, where he once again failed. It was then that Shades walked up to him, telling him to take off his belt. He only took a quick glance at the belt before declaring “get me another. This one is broken.”
Eren’s belt was replaced and he had no issue balancing. It all could’ve been avoided if he was given the proper equipment.
When everyone broke for lunch, the warriors had their secret meeting. We had our spot so far away from the training camp that no one would even think to find us.
Silence befell our group as we made our way to the location. None of us wanted to risk anyone hearing us. The second the four of us stopped, I was the first to speak.
“Why is Eren Yaeger still alive?”
Reiner turned his head towards me like he was caught off guard. “We had a change of plans.” His voice was booming with authority.
Annie watched in amusement while Bertolt awkwardly didn’t know how to stop us.
“What happened to the grand plan you snapped at me over?” I was mad, angry that he yelled at me out of no where, projecting feeling about himself onto me.
“Armin came along, so we would’ve had a witness. Killing him would’ve looked too suspicious.” Reiner stood his ground, crossing his arms.
“You could’ve just killed Armin too? It would not have been suspicious. Eren slipped off the cliff due to his head injury, Armin went to grab him but his weak body was just pulled down along with Eren. They both fell to their death, end of story.” I yelled. “I was able to come up with that in seconds, you two could’ve come up with something.”
“Why are you questioning my authority?” Reiner stood taller, trying to assert himself. “I am the leader, I made the decisions.”
“Because when you’re going to yell at me over something, I’m expecting you to at least follow through with it if it was so important to you.”
“Guys, let's not turn this into a lover’s quarrel." Annie complained. “I’m all for fighting, but I do not want to hear about what you guys do in your free time.”
Both Reiner and I shot Annie a nasty glare. She backed up, throwing her hands up in defeat. She turned around and began to walk back to camp. “I’m not listening to this.” Bertolt followed her actions.
“I don’t understand what you’re so pissed about.” Reiner raised his voice at me. “If you want Eren dead so badly, you can go kill him yourself.”
“I don’t give a shit about Eren dying or not.” I screamed back. “What I care about is that you knew you weren’t going to kill Eren the second he asked you for help.”
Reiner went quiet for a moment, keeping his mouth open. “I didn’t-”
“You did!” I cut him off. “You knew you couldn’t bring yourself to do it, so you lashed out at me because of the frustration you held for yourself.”
“Do not accuse me of things you do not know.” He was angrier than he had ever been at me. I could tell by the way he stepped up to me, getting in my face. “I do everything for us. For the mission. If Eren lived, it is because I decided he should live.”
I wasn’t going to let him keep lying to my face. The fact that he was so mad only proved that I was right. The only thing I could say to kill the fight was: “Whatever allows you to sleep at night.”
I walked off, not towards the camp, but anywhere away from Reiner.

❃

When it came to hand to hand combat, the pairs were predetermined. That meant I was paired up with some poor soul that had never fought before, where I would inevitably have a leg up on them.
I had never paid attention to Christa and Ymir before the day I was paired to train with Christa. Christa was the girl that fed Sasha the piece of bread. She was a kind and hopeful girl. Someone who would always put others before themselves. It was crazy that such an aggressive and cruel world could birth something so kind.
Ymir on the other hand acted superior to everyone, and she truly might’ve been. She was the one that came up to Christa and I after feeding Sasha. She had the mentality of kill or be killed, and if they do not serve you, drop them. No one could blame her, with the way the world worked, you had to learn how to survive.
After the night that the three of us met, Christa and Ymir were attached at the hip. Ymir would follow Christa around like a hawk from morning to night. Anytime anyone else tried to talk to them, they would have to get past Ymir’s insults.
That is why most avoided the two. When Ymir was around. But it was unavoidable when we were doing hand to hand combat training.
I was paid with Christa. She barely knew how to stand properly when I would swing at her. I always tried my hardest to not seriously hurt her when doing so. But time and time again, I would knock her flat on her ass.
Of course I felt bad, but I couldn’t just let her win, or she’d never learn. Every time I won, I always extended an arm, ready to help her up. While she stood up, I explained what she could’ve done better to prevent her from getting knocked down.
“You needed to keep your arms up.” I told her, grabbing her arms and putting them in front of her face. “Like this. Make sure you tense them up to try and stop anyone from blowing through.”
“Alright, I think I got it!” She said with determination.
“Ready to go again or do you need a break?” I asked. I never wanted to push her, potentially hurting her.
“No, I'm good.” She always said without hesitation.
We got in position, ready to start again, but before either of us could make the first move, Ymir butted in. “What? Do you enjoy beating up defenceless girls?” She jabbed at me.
I got out of position, fully turning to Ymir, stunned that she would even suggest such a thing. “What do you mean?”
“Ymir, leave it alone.” Christa complained, as if Ymir had done this before.
“I mean you haven’t given her a chance to even attack.” Ymir smirked, thinking she was winning the argument.
I tsked at the absurdity. “We- or rather she- is learning how to fight. In the real world there is no mercy. I thought you of all people knew that, Ymir.”
“I bet you wouldn’t even last against someone who has some experience.” She tilted her head, cocky and so sure of herself.
“Come on Ymir, let's just get back to our own practice.” Her partner, Jean, complained. Everyone ignored him.
I knew she was trying to anger me, trying to get a rise out of me. Ymir was the type of person that knew just how to get under your skin. She knew how to throw the line just far enough for you to reach and tug it back towards you. It shouldn’t have worked, but it did.
“If you’re so sure, then fight me.”
That is all it took for her to put her hands up to guard herself. Jean and Christa pleaded for us not to continue, to just move on like nothing happened. Both Ymir and I were too prideful to back down.
We both circled one another like sharks. I thought that at the time and internally laughed that these people didn’t even know that sharks existed.
I stepped closer to her, tired of her waiting. Before I could even take another step forward to throw my first punch, she kicked me in the leg, causing me to stumble back.
Snapping my head up to her, as I sneered. “That was dirty.”
Ymir shrugged, still keeping her guard up. “The real world shows no mercy.” She mocked.
At this point, more people began to surround us, some placing verbal bets on who would win. I watched Eren lean into Reiner, saying “I bet Ymir will win.”
Reiner shook his head "Absolutely not.” tone serious as ever, knowing what I was capable of.
Ymir refused to be the one to attack first, waiting for me to make my move and only counter attack. If she wanted to play dirty, then I would indulge her.
Planting my feat firmly on the ground, I got low. Using all the strength in my legs I lunged at her, my hands aiming for her waist. I did have an unfair advantage. My titan ability helped me jump from a distance that would be incapable for a normal human.
Ymir didn’t expect this, falling to the ground like a sack of potatoes. I was quick to sit up, knowing she would react soon. By the time I got on my knees, she was trying to twist around, attempting to crawl out of my grasp.
While she was on her side, I clasped my knees together tightly, trapping her hips in between them. She tried to swing at me, but I was able to grab her wrists, pinning them to the side of her head.
She smirked up at me, almost as if she were proud that I took her down so quickly. I didn’t let go of her, even though she relaxed and didn’t try fighting me. I knew better than to lighten up before someone verbally declared defeat, my father instilled that in me.
“Fine,” She rolled her eyes, keeping the cocky smirk. “You win.”
I let go of her, standing up. As I did Christa, I extended my hand out. I was expecting her not to take it, to slap it away and get up on her own. To my surprise, she gripped my hand, allowing me to help her up.
Once she was on her own feet, she let go of my hand, but stayed close. “You’re not too bad.” She attempted a compliment.
“Well I am obviously better than you.” I responded with a conceited smile.
Without another word, she turned on her heel and walked towards Christa. Before I could follow and continue Christa's training, Eren came up to me.
“Wow, you really took her down in the blink of an eye.” He complimented, not expecting it. “I bet you could beat Annie.”
“Or Reiner.” Armin walked up alongside Eren, adding on.
“Reiner, probably. Annie, definitely not.” I responded, stretching out all the tension in my body.
“Oh so you think you can beat me in a fight?” Reiner mused.
I was still upset at him, wanting to avoid him. “Of course I could. I’ve done it many times before and I would do it again.” It came out more as a threat than a warning.
“We were kids.” Reiner reminded me. “Many things have changed since then.”
I rolled my eyes at him as he inched closer, ready to challenge me. “Your inability to react quick enough hasn’t. I would get my fist in your face before you could even blink.”
I turned my back to the three, not about to get caught in another fight. Especially not with Reiner of all people.
As I walked back to Christa, Ymir and Jean went off to continue their own training. Christ looked at me with a new sparkle in her eye.
“I’m sorry.” I apologized first.
“For what?” She was quick to question.
“I should’ve been teaching you more rather than just fighting.” I explained. “It’s how my father taught me. I remember how frustrating it was to just lose over and over without a clear idea of what to do.”
“Well, could you still teach me then?” She asked, wanting to learn. “I want to know how to do that jump tackle. You were practically flying through the air.”
“Well you wouldn’t be able to jump like I did. That’s just pure genetics.” I tried to think of a way to explain things to her without revealing too much. “You need to find out what advantage you would have over people and figure out how to use it. For you I’d say being small is your advantage.”
“How is that an advantage for me?” She wondered.
“If you know how to dodge properly, you can escape from hits easier.” I turned around, trying to look for the biggest person around us. Sadly for me, that was Reiner. “For example, Reiner is big and broad. If you punch at least somewhere, you’ll hit him. On the other hand, for you, the attacker would need to be more precise with their hit, which then takes more calculation and focus.”
Christa listened closely as I explained everything to her, eager to learn. We practiced dodging. Instead of moving at a normal pace, we moved slowly, allowing her to see exactly what was going on. By the end of the day, she was able to move at a medium pace without getting hit.

❃

When dinner rolled around, I dreaded having to sit with Reiner. But I’d rather sit in seething silence than alone. As I walked up to him, he looked up at me. The emotion on his face vacant.
Before I could reach the table, I heard someone call out my name. I turned to see Ymir and Christa in the corner, both looking at me. Ymir was waving at me, motioning for me to walk towards them.
I turned back to Reiner, his brows now furrowed in disagreement. I straightened my posture more, walking past him in the most cold way I could. I practically sauntered my way over to the two girls in the corner.
Ymir was the first to scoot over, giving me the space to squeeze in next to her. It was funny how differently she treated me now, and it only took me beating her in a fight. That was all it took for her to respect me.
“We’re saving you from the brute.” Ymir said while taking a bite of her bread.
“Ymir!” Christa scolded. Ymir shrugged, not apologizing for her name calling.
All I could do was smirk, beginning to dig into my slop. I was mad at Reiner, and hearing others insult him validated my feelings.
“I noticed that things between the two of you were tenser than normal.” Christa explained.
“Than normal?” I questioned, wondering what outsiders saw. “What do we normally look like?”
“Like you hate being with one another but have no choice.” Ymir leaned back from her plate.
I frowned at her description. I didn’t realize that it was what we were giving off to others. It wasn’t like we talked much when we’re around others, but I didn’t know it looked like that.
Christa picked up on my body expression. “Is that not what is happening when you two are together?”
I shook my head, glancing over at him. He had moved to the other side of the table so he could watch us easier. Reiner ate his food slowly, watching us with such sad eyes. Annie and Bertolt had joined him, but it clearly wasn’t enough to satisfy him.
“When you look at him right now, what do you see?” I wondered, having a suspicion on what their perception of him was.
Christa had to turn around to get a look at him. Ymir was the first to speak. “He looks pissed that you didn’t join him.”
Christa nodded in agreement and I got my answer. “He’s not pissed, he’s sad. This is the first ime in about two years that we have not shared a meal. He sees this as me not wanting to be friends with him anymore.” I explained with ease. “You might not believe it but he was a very expressive kid. It was only in recent years that he has hardened himself. I guess that because I was with him through everything, I can tell the difference between the smallest mannerisms.”
“So you two are not fighting right now?” Christa questioned, wondering if she got it wrong.
“Oh no we definitely are.” I was quick to correct her. “He snapped at me unwarranted and is acting like nothing ever happened.”
“How rude of him.” Christa huffed in frustration for me.
Dinner went on with the two of them. It was nice to sit with other people for once. It felt as though I was making friends with other people, branching out. It was nice. Ymir and Christa were entertaining to watch bicker back and forth. They were an appreciated change to my routine.

❃

I laid under the stars, just as I had every night. I wasn’t expecting Reiner to join me, but to my demise, he did. Before he could even get close to me, he declared.
“I came to apologize." He stood still in his spot, waiting for approval to get closer.
“Ah so it only takes leaving you alone for dinner for you to come to your senses.” I cockily said. I didn’t even have to look in his direction to know he was frowning. “You may join me.”
He walked closer, sitting beside me. I sat up, looking at him. He only stared at me, those same hurt eyes that watched me from across the room all night. The same eyes that would look at me, begging for me to let him in even though it was the middle of the night even though we had physicals in the morning.
I twirled my wrist, telling him to continue. He took a deep breath, on the exhale, he said “I was an ass, and you were completely right. I knew I wouldn’t be able to kill Eren from the moment I declared I would. I shouldn’t have taken my frustration out on you for knowing me better than myself.”
I nodded, relishing in the victory. “Thank you.”
He sighed in relief, falling flat on his back. “I hate it when you’re mad at me.”
“Yeah I hate it too.” I laid beside him, looking up. In my peripherals, I could see that he was watching me. “Seeing your face the whole dinner killed me.”
He lightly chuckled. “That is why I switched to the other side.”
“Asshole.” I lightly pushed him.
“I didn’t know you were friends with them. Especially since you and Ymir were fighting earlier.” He seemed upset that I was branching out, like I would ditch him.
“I didn’t either. I think I gained Ymir’s respect by knocking her on her ass.” I explained.
Reiner gave a smirk. “I can’t believe people ever believed that she would win.”
“I can’t either.” I huffed out.
“I didn’t doubt you for a second.” He softly spoke, as if he was trying to tell me something else.
“Oh I know.” I chuckled. “You’ve seen me drop a grown man twice my size. Ymir was nothing in comparison. I was just trying not to hurt her.”
“What were you guys talking about at dinner?” He changed the subject.
“Well we talked about you at first.” I truthfully told him, not seeing any reason to hide it.
“About me?” He cut me off.
I nodded. “They said that they thought we looked miserable when we were together.”
“Misseriable?” He questioned in shock. “Why would I ever be miserable with you?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I just realized that they didn’t know the real you.” I turned my body to face his. “They said you looked pissed that I didn’t join you for dinner. But I knew you were pleading for me to come back.”
“I think you are the only person that knows the real Reiner Braun.” He sighed, grabbing my hand that laid on the ground. It was rare for him to initiate contact. I knew better than to dare to move away.
Reiner had changed, it was bound to happen with everything that we had been through. Even though he changed, he still remained the Reiner I grew up with, the Reiner that would cry to me, the Reiner that I loved.
“I think you are the only person that knows the real me as well.”

Notes:

Any and all comments would be so so so appreciated, even if its just a small thought! I would absolutly love to talk to people about this fic!
I love that those YN videos on tiktok have revived the fandom. In turn, that has given me copious motivation to write. Sorry if this is a boring chapter, next one might be the same as well but I am trying my best to introduce the whole cast and how important they are to the writer. We should be getting into the good stuff soon!
If you haven't you should join my discord server! We can talk a lot about the fic!! Link in quotev and wattpad bio) or here: discord.gg/SPNmyV8qJR
Love you all and thank you so much for reading!!

Chapter 5: 849-850

Summary:

To Christa, my closest friend:
I thank you for so much. For showing me that the people on this island weren’t devils, like I had been taught. You truly showed me the beauty of this island. You were always so kind and caring, believing every word that came from my mouth, even the worst of lies.

Every single scenario that could be played out on this island, we trained in. Riding through hot, dry deserts. Running through muddied forests; And the worst, hiking through a winter storm. 

It was the dead of winter and of course a winter storm was barreling towards us. Even though this information was known to the sergeants, they still strapped our packs to our backs and told us to climb. The only goal was to reach the top and get back down as quickly as possible. 

 People we released in small groups of five. The point was that we had to rely on each other to get through the test. Unsurprisingly, Reiner and I were grouped with one another, alongside three other cadets.

We were one of the last groups to be dispatched, meaning we were most likely to get caught in the storm. I cursed this training with all my might. I don’t know if it was because of my titan or if I just wasn’t built for the cold, but I struggled greatly. 

No matter how heavy the coats were, it felt as though the wind was going straight through me. I found myself being shoulder to shoulder with Reiner as I attempted to huddle for warmth, even though it did nothing with the jackets separating our bodies from one another.

Reiner normally took the leadership role in every group, but this time, he hung back. I had a feeling that he was wanting to be close to me, making sure I didn’t fall behind or drop dead from the cold. 

The group reached the top of the mountain right around sunset. I almost felt as though it was lucky that we had the opportunity to see the view from up there. The golden hughes reflected off of the white snow that coated everything around us, almost making it feel warm.

That small moment of beauty quickly ended when we turned around. The dark, angry clouds marched our way. The group groaned in dread as we shuffled down the mountain, pace quicker than before.

We were mostly silent, all focusing on getting back to the warmth of the cabins. We were a little over half way down when Reiner spoke up. “You all go on ahead, I have to use the restroom.” 

The self appointed leader of the group stopped, turning to him. “We need to stick together. Can’t have you getting stuck in the storm.” 

One member groaned at the thought of stopping, wanting to get back as quickly as possible. While the other was happy to have the break.

“No, it’s okay, I can catch up quickly.” Reiner insisted.

The leader opened her mouth again, ready to protest. I knew we would be stuck here debating unless someone else jumped in to stop it. 

“I’ll stay back with Reiner. We’ll catch up afterwards.” I said to the leader. This answer seemed to satisfy her enough as they turned around, continuing on with the other two.

I leaned against a tree as Reiner walked away from me. I was glad to have the break as I could no longer feel my legs. I covered my face with my gloved hands, trying to warm it up. 

Eventually, Reiner finished his business, walking back towards me, snow crunching loudly beneath his heavy steps. Instead of immediately walking back, we stood there for a moment. It was nice to have a minute alone together. Training had been pushing our limits the past couple of months, causing us to lose our nightly meetings.

Snow slowly started to fall from the sky. If I didn’t have another two hour walk in this weather, I would’ve been able to enjoy it. Reiner cupped his hands around his mouth, breathing into it to warm up his face. His breath could be seen seeping out of the cracks of his hands.

“The second I get to that camp, I’m throwing myself into that fire to warm up.” I said very seriously. 

Reiner chuckled at my comment.

I don't know what it was about that night, but I couldn’t help but pay attention to his mannerisms more. His cheeks were tinted red, kissed by the crisp winter air. He breathed lowly, each breath being exaggerated by the fog coming from his mouth. Even though we were stuck in such a shitty situation, he held a small smirk. But I noticed it would slightly waver now and then, like he was contemplating something. 

I don’t know how long we were standing there for. I was still up against the tree as he stood a step away from me. He always stuck close by, but he seemed closer than normal. 

“We should start heading back down.” I suggested quietly. Everything around us was so silent, it felt wrong to be loud. 

“Yeah, I guess so.” He responded just as quietly. He didn’t move for a few more moments, but when he did, he allowed me to go ahead of him. 

The sound of the snow crunching below us was loud as we walked in silence. Something wasn’t right. There was an indescribable tension between the two of us and it was making me uncomfortable.

“Aren’t you cold?” I asked, trying to block out the feeling.

“Of course I am.” He replied nonchalantly, like it didn’t bother him. “Clearly not as much as you.”

I groaned, just wanting someone else to understand exactly how much the temperature was affecting me. I genuinely felt as though I was about to die from hypothermia. 

“I wish I grabbed another scarf.” I licked my crusted lips, trying to give them some life again. “So I could’ve used it to cover my mouth. It’s honestly the coldest part of my body right now.”

“Here, I can fix that.” He responded so quickly, like he was just waiting for the opportunity.

Before I could react to anything, he grabbed me by the arm, slightly tugging me back towards him. He leaned into me pressing his lips against mine.

Everything was very still. I was stunned by his actions. Our relationship had been complex up until this point. Physical touch had been steadily growing, but never in a million years would I have expected him to make such a jump. I wondered what this meant for our relationship. But I hoped that finally, after so many years our complicated friendship could transform into something more, something beautiful.

There was no movement in the kiss. We both stood still as statues, connected at the lips. I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. Somehow his lips weren’t dry like mine. They were warm and plump. 

We were young, about sixteen years old, neither of us knew what we were doing. Both growing up in broken households, being forced to focus on military training, the only thing we based our actions off of was pure instinct. 

Reiner was first to pull away, as I was still too shocked to move. I hadn’t realized I didn’t breathe the whole time, as I inhaled and exhaled deeply. Reiner did the same as we stared each other in the eye without a word.

“So,” Reiner finally broke the silence, face redder than it was before. “Are you more warmed up now?”

I knew he only kissed me because he wanted to, but I did feel like my body had caught fire. I nodded my head in response. His lips upturned into a smile.

“Good.” He said, sounding so proud of himself. “I wanted to do that at the top, but I couldn’t find an excuse to get you away from the rest of the group.”

He took a step forward toward me, ready to do it again, but we both heard voices coming from behind him.

He was quick to create some distance, turning around to see who it was. Bertolt’s voice could be heard. “Reiner? Is that you?” He called out.

I stepped out from behind Reiner, making my presence known. Bertolt jogged down to us, acknowledging my existence as well. “Where is the rest of your group?” He questioned, his group trailing close behind. 

I quickly composed myself. Not wanting Bertolt to have any suspicions about what just happened. “Reiner had to use the restroom. I stayed behind with him so he wasn’t alone.” Reiner nodded in response, the smile never leaving his face. 

“Well I guess you guys can join us then.” Bertolt said as he continued past us, wanting to finish this training just as much as everyone else. 

I nodded in response, not wanting to waste any more time outside in this cold. Normally, Reiner would try and stick close to Bertolt, talking with him. Yet he stayed in the back with me, hand brushing up against mine more than normal.

 

❃

 

Even though we were in training, we still had our mission to collect information. Annie was often the one who was sent out to the capital. It was clear she hated it, annoyed that everyone else got to sit here, hanging out.

Annie had hit her wits end, sick and tired of her doing all of the work. “While you three slept like babies after playing with your ‘friends’, I was crawling around the capital’s sewers. But I’ve hit my limit, almost got caught.”

We were all sitting outside, not too far from the training grounds. There were logs stacked up and laid around that worked both as cover and seats. It was dark out, as it was easiest to sneak around in. We’ve had many meetings like this before, they always seemed to go nowhere. Just Annie telling us her findings, and Reiner telling her to go get more.

“Your limit huh?” Reiner responded, clearly not liking her tone.

“Lets cut our losses and take what we know back to Marly. At this point, I’m sure they’ll be happy to hear anything.”

I perked up at the thought. We have been on the island for five excruciating years, no end in sight. I too didn’t care, just wanting to go home. 

“Yeah,” I agreed with her. “They most definitely can decide their next moves with what we have gathered. Worst case, we just come back.”

I was hoping we got to go home, even if we had to come back. I would get to see my family again. I constantly wondered how they were doing: I wondered how my sister was doing, just barely reaching her teens. I could only imagine how she’d look all grown up; I wondered if my mom cried for me after a week of being gone, if she missed me or cared if I were to come home; and lastly, I wondered if my father was still singing the ‘glory’ of Marley. How his great beautiful country sent his child across the sea to kill the demons on the island.

I was sick and tired of wondering. I wanted to get home and get the answers myself, before I couldn’t anymore.

“No.” Reiner shut down the thought. “After five years, they’ll be expecting a lot more than a few scraps of information.” 

Standing up, Reiner got closer to Annie. Annie only shot him a nasty look, not happy about how the conversation was going. “Alright asshole, do you have a plan?”

“Yeah.” Reiner responded calmly. “We breach wall Rose. It’s the best choice we have for smoking out the Founder.”

My heart dropped at those words. I didn’t think I could handle another invasion, especially after the last one. Reiner promised me he’d never put me on the field again, but I knew I would have to help in some way. The thought of it alone made me feel sick. The more time I spent here, the more I realized they were humans, just like everyone else at home.

“It also means killing a lot of your friends.” Annie responded sharply.

Reiner kneeled in front of Annie, trying to get through to her. “I keep telling you Annie, the cadets aren’t our friends. They’re devils.”

There he was, lying again. Whether he liked it or not, Eren, Jean, Armin, and the other cadets, they were all his friends. I could tell that he was merely trying to tell himself that they were devils and shouldn’t be trusted, only so he could justify his actions.

Reiner continued. “But it can’t hurt to gain their trust so I wish you’d act a little less standoff-ish. Let them think you’re one-”

“I’m going to puke.” Annie cut him off. “Can you please move your face away from mine?”

Reiner’s head dropped as he let out a sigh. “You’re exhausted. I’m sorry for laying so much on you, Annie. Let’s call it a night.”

Standing up, Reiner began to walk back towards the cabins. Annie quietly got off the log, following after him.

Bertolt stayed sitting, and so did I. I needed a few moments to process everything with the fresh air. 

Bertolt began to speak. “I keep having this dream. Where I see the guy from the mountains who hung himself. He must’ve been planning to do it. So why did he tell us his story first?”

“Are you two coming or not?” Reiner asked.

I looked over at Bertolt. I could tell he wanted to talk more about it but without the others around, as they didn't care, or rather, didn’t want to express their opinions.

“I think we’re going to stay here.” I replied to Reiner. “You two go on ahead.”

“Don’t stay out here too long.” Reiner gave a curt nod before walking away.

“He wanted to be heard.” I replied to his question. “If he didn’t tell us, would we even remember him?”

In a way, the situation reminded me of Viktoria. Does anyone other than me remember her? Did anyone else hear her? And I really mean hear her.

“Probably not.” Bertolt responded, lowering his head. “I just can’t get the image of him out of my head.”

I scooted a bit closer to him. “I get it. We’ve all seen horrors we shouldn’t have. There are many things that I wish I could forget.” 

I remembered Viktoria, the abuse she experienced from the hands of Marleyan soldiers, constantly dangling her own life above her head. How she was completely alone, having to mold herself to try and fit in.

“Like what happened in Shiganshina?” Bertolt asked.

“Yes.” I responded quickly, shaking the image of Viktoria out of my head.

“I’ve always wondered what exactly happened.” He said very quietly, almost afraid to open this up. 

“I got scared.” I looked down at my feet, reliving everything. “All of a sudden, everyone around me was trying to help. They thought I was one of them, they thought I was someone worth saving.”

Bertolt was quiet, not saying another word.

“Can I tell you something?” I asked softly, wondering if this was a bad idea. “Something that needs to stay between us. Not even Reiner can know.”

“Sure.” He responded.

“I don’t think these people are devils.” I said quietly, feeling like I was going to be struck down on the spot for speaking the words into existence. “I don’t believe they should die.”

“May I share something too?” Bertolt asked.

“Of course.” I responded.

“I don’t think so either.” Bertolt answered. 

I wish his words gave me comfort, but it honestly gave me more dread. Even though we made our feelings known to one another, it wasn’t going to change anything. We were still going to follow Reiner till our last dying breath, even if it meant killing the people we’ve lived beside for many years.

“Reiner is such a liar, huh?” I asked, knowing Bertolt also understood.

“I feel like he’s the only one who doesn’t understand what he feels.” Bertolt said with an airy laugh.

“He knows, but he just drowns his feelings in his pride.” I sighed leaning back. It was nice to get my frustrations out to someone who would understand.

“It’s going to be the death of us all, huh?” Bertolt asked, mostly joking.

I only let out a breath, not wanting my opinion to be brought to reality. 

Things went silent between us before he stood up. “I think I’m going back inside. Are you going to join?”

I shook my head. “I’m going to stay out here a bit longer.”

As Bertolt walked away, I looked up into the sky. It was cloudy with no way to view the stars. I closed my eyes, imagining life if I had never joined the military. 

I probably would’ve just been getting home, or even coming back from a job that I was forced to get to support my family. My sister would probably be lounging around, still too young to work, or maybe she would be helping our mother cook dinner. My mother most definitely would be cooking dinner. 

When I tried to think about what my father would be doing, I just couldn’t. He was always training me to the point that I genuinely couldn’t imagine his life without me. Would he be napping on the couch, head resting on the backing, mouth open wide as he let out little snores? Or would he have finally found some friends to go drinking with?

But if I never joined the military, someone else would be carrying the memory of Viktoria. I held the fabric in front of my heart, like I was trying to grab her from inside me. Would they have appreciated her? Or would they have thought she was a nuisance, like most did? Would they have seen how she was ripped from her destroyed home, beaten into submission, and thought that she was a traitor for hating every Marleyan who walked past her in the hall. She became good at hiding it from them, but I could feel it all. Would they see that she was still just a child, trying to survive surrounded by the enemy.

Most people on this island understood that, as we were reliving the exact same scenario, but I was the Marleyan soldier. We were the ones who destroyed their homes, forcing them to survive. Eren was the greatest example of it. He was forced to survive, and he does it through pure hatred. 

“It’s getting late.” Reiner’s voice ripped me from my dark thoughts. He had come looking for me after noticing Bertolt returning alone.

I quickly composed myself, still fearful of talking to Reiner about Viktoria. “You know I like being outside.”

“We have a rough day tomorrow.” He softly said to me, sitting beside me on the log.

“Then why don’t you go to bed?” I asked him. 

His hand laid over mine with confidence. “I could ask you the same question.”

“I’m not tired.” I explained. I stood up, letting my hand slip out of his. I stretched my limbs, as sitting on the log for a while was uncomfortable.

Reiner grabbed either side of my waist, pulling me closer to him. After the night in the mountains, there wasn’t a moment his hands weren’t on me. Only in private of course. He looked up at me, not letting me go.

“What’s on your mind?” He asked, eyes begging. 

I huffed, looking away from him, trying to find a response that wasn’t the full truth. “I don’t know if I can do it again.”

He knew exactly what I was talking about, but still wrapped his arms around my upper legs, pulling his face into my stomach. “Don’t worry, you won’t be doing anything.”

“Reiner stop.” I put my hands on his shoulders, pushing his head off me, but his arms still stayed strong. “Don’t be all cuddly while talking about-” I cut myself off, not even wanting to say the words.

“Why not?” Reiner asked, face hardening.

“It’s sickening.” I responded truthfully, fully pulling myself out of his grasp.

Reiner’s demeanor changed from the worried loving boyfriend, to the headstrong leader in an instant. “I already told you, you’re not going to be doing anything. So why are you complaining?” 

My face twisted in disgust, I couldn’t even recognize him. “Do you not have any remorse for your actions?”

“No. Why would I? I am doing what is right.” Reiner responded, standing up to intimidate me.

I took a few steps back, not being able to handle being so close to him. “Is it ‘right’ because you feel as though it is, or is it ‘right’ because they told you it is.”

“I feel it is right because it is right. How could they do everything that they’ve done if it wasn't the right thing to do.” Reiner said with aggression. He was projecting again, trying to convince himself more than anything.

“Reiner. The government does the complete opposite of the right thing. They only care about their own selfish goals.” I responded, anger rising quickly. “That night, the one after Viktoria died… I came to you, I wanted to tell you how-.”

Before I could explain anything else, a third voice interrupted.

“Are you two alright?” Christa’s worried voice rang through my ears. 

My whole body went cold as I turned to her. I began racking my brain for every word each of us said, trying to think if she would be able to catch onto anything.

Before I could think about anything, I was suddenly running up to her to put a body in between her and Reiner. In his nationalistic haze, there was no telling what he would do to protect the secret. Christa was my friend, and if there was a way to get out of this, I was going to try.

“Oh Christa, you scared me.” I put my hand on her shoulders, honestly trying to stabilize myself more than anything. 

“I apologize," She said. “I was out for a walk and heard shouting.”

“We didn’t mean to disturb your walk.” I said, squeezing her shoulders lightly. “We just got into a bit of a disagreement.”

“Over what?” She innocently questioned. “Maybe I can help you two come to an understanding.”

I sighed, taking a step back from her, my eyes glued to the ground. I tried to come up with something quick. If I said that I couldn’t tell her, she’d be suspicious, especially as she was one of my closest friends. 

“You just have to promise that you won’t tell this to anyone.” I found myself repeating my words from earlier. I looked up at her sadly, trying to play the part to hide my anxiety. “Not even Ymir.”

“Don’t you dare!” Reiner said, stomping over to the two of us.

I quickly whipped around to him, putting my hand out to tell him to stop, trying to give him the face that screams ‘I got this.’ He stopped a few steps away from me, still glaring at me as though he hated me. Which was sickening on its own.

“I promise.” Chista told me, taking a step closer trying to comfort me. I began to feel claustrophobic with the both of them being so close. 

I let the lie roll right off my tongue. “My older sister, Viktoria.” I started. I could hear Reiner sigh in relief from behind me, realizing that I wasn’t going to expose us. 

I wracked my brain for other’s stories, thinking if combining them would allow me to create a more believable one. “She was too smart for her own good. Always curious about life outside of the walls. She would tell me all of her theories, as I promised her I wouldn’t say a word to anyone.”

I paused, trying to think of what to say next. She grabbed my hand, thinking my pause was from how hard the subject was to talk about. 

Taking a deep breath, I continued. “One day, the military police showed up at my family’s door step. They told us that my sister was involved in a gang fight and had been mutilated beyond belief. My family believed their words the second it left their mouth. But I knew the truth. The group of theorists she was a part of was found out, none of them were ever heard from again. Every family was given an excuse as to why their child wouldn’t be returning home.”

“That’s horrible!” Christa squeezed my hand tighter.

She believed it, but I needed to tie it into my words to Reiner. “I want to join the military police to find out exactly what happened to my sister, because I want to take revenge on the ones who killed her.”

I squeezed her hand back tightly, trying to emphasize my points. “But Reiner believes I should give up on my dreams. That the government must’ve had a good reason for killing my sister. That I should join the scouts with him, so we can avenge our families that died in the titan attack instead.”

Christa looked past me, glaring at Reiner. She believed it. She believed Reiner was this horrible person for telling me not to follow my dreams of avenging my sister.

“I didn’t say those words exactly.” Reiner defended himself. I turned to him, glaring. He’s a good liar, a great one even, but one slip up could ruin everything. “I was saying that it’s risky to do such a thing. If you get caught. You’ll be killed just like Viktoria. If you want revenge, you should avenge the whole village. Not just your sister. It’ll be less risky.”

“I highly doubt that.” I began to fight back, as if this lie was real. I just wanted to argue at this point because I was mad. “I will more likely be eaten by a titan than found out by humans.”

Reiner opened his mouth to say something back, but Christa cut us off. “I understand that both of you are coming from places of caring about someone deeply. It is not wrong for you to want to avenge your sister. But I think Reiner just wants to be near you.”

It was very embarrassing to hear her say such a thing, especially after the meaning of our real fight. It didn’t matter though, it meant she believed every word that came out of my mouth. 

“He thinks that having you join the Scouts means he can be close and protect you if need be. Although, Reiner, if you are so keen on protecting them, then you could follow them to the military police and support them in their efforts of finding out exactly what happened to their sister.”

I sighed in relief, “Thank you Christa.” 

“No problem!” She gave my hand one final squeeze before letting go. “You guys just need to keep a level head while talking about it. There’s no reason to be yelling.”

“I’m getting tired,” I told Christa with a fake yawn. “Would you mind walking back to camp with me?” I wanted to make sure she would be able to walk out of this conversation alive.

“Sure.” She happily agreed. “Would you want to join us, Reiner?”

“No, he wanted to stay out here a bit longer.” I gave an excuse, not wanting Reiner anywhere near her. 

“Oh okay.” Christa sighed, beginning to walk away with me. 

As we walked, I turned around. He was standing in the same spot, arms crossed, staring us down. I began to not only fear Christa’s life, but my own.

“Just to make sure,” I reiterated, “You’re not going to tell anyone?”

“Of course not.” Christa said earnestly. “I understand why you wouldn’t want it getting out. You’re my friend, I wouldn’t want to risk your life”

“Thank you.” I smiled sadly at her, knowing everything I’ve done has put hers, and everyone else’s, life at risk. “I promise to do my best to protect you from both humans and titan.”

“Thank you, but I can protect myself.” She put her arm up to make herself look strong.

I laughed at her antics, but I truly meant every word I said. If I had to kill everyone on this island, I would make sure she’d be left last.

 

The next morning, I dreaded seeing Reiner. When I entered the messhall, I made a mad dash towards Christa and Ymir, joining them in their normal spot.

“Trouble in paradise?” Ymir asked with a cocky smirk.

Being paranoid, I whipped my head to Christa. “You promised you wouldn’t tell!” My anxiety quickly rose, fearing we would now have to kill the both of them.

“I didn’t!” She yelled in defence.

Ymir looked at us confused. “What? Christa didn’t tell me anything. I was meaning, you wouldn’t be sitting with us unless something happened. But now that you’ve told Christa, I need to know.”

I sighed, putting my head in my hands. I outed myself and now had to come up with something. “Reiner and I got into a bad fight last night. Christa just stumbled upon us and overheard it.”

“So?” Ymir asked, still wanting to know the contents of the fight. 

When she realized she wasn’t getting it out of me, she turned to Christa, thinking she could squeeze the answer out of her. “Nope! I’m not telling you! I’m sworn to secrecy.”

I was happy to know Christa was going to protect my lie. “I wouldn’t even want Christa knowing, but she found out on her own. Just know it's so bad, that I don’t know if he’ll ever talk to me again.”

“So you guys broke up?” Ymir questioned, almost laughing at the thought.

“I don’t know.” I grumbled, not wanting to think about it.

“It’s not that bad.” Christa interjected. “He cares about you, he’ll come around. Have hope!”

I wish I could, but she didn’t know the real fight. I basically told him to give up his dreams, and fundamentally, I am disgusted by his actions. Even though I still believed those things, my heart ached every time I thought about him. I regretted telling him the things, I should’ve just kept it to myself and we could live in blissful ignorance, focusing on our love for each other.

During the entire breakfast, I was constantly looking around for him. I wanted to see him, but I also dreaded seeing him. He never walked in, and I noticed that Bertolt also was missing. I assumed they were talking, or at the least, eating elsewhere. 

I wondered what they were saying. Would Bertolt stand up for me? I knew he felt the same, but could he stand up to Reiner? Or maybe they’re plotting to kill Christa, thinking that she would somehow find out the truth.

I tried to shake the thoughts out of my head, but as the day went on, and I hadn’t seen Reiner, they got worse. Training took up all my time, I hadn’t been able to go looking for anyone. I began to believe that they had already left to take down wall Rose without me. I was constantly looking around, fearful that a titan was going to come out of  nowhere, ready to start its feast. 

There was still no sign of Reiner until dinner time. I again was sitting with Christa and Ymir in the messhall. They complained about today’s rigorous training. I was just barely listening, mind checked out from thinking about the worst possible scenarios.

The two of them went silent, and it took me a minute to realize. When I looked up at them, confused, they gave me a some-what worried look. I looked around to see Reiner standing right beside me. I was startled, more about the fact that I hadn’t noticed him to begin with. He looked at me expectantly. He had clearly said something, but I didn’t hear a word.

“Yes?” I  questioned, not understanding what he said.

“I want to talk to you.” He reiterated. I couldn’t read him, he was closed off.

“I don’t see a reason to.” I caved into myself, not wanting to speak with him. It was ironic, the only thing I wanted all day was to talk everything over. Now that he was in front of me, I felt small, scared that this conversation would truly end things for the two of us. 

If we were over, what would happen next? I couldn’t just ignore him, going off on my own. We're bound by the common understanding that we are from the outside world, sent to kill everyone around us.

He called my name out as seriously as ever. “I’m not here to yell at you. I just want to talk.”

I looked down at my bowl of soup, trying to think of what to do. Christa, who sat beside me, grabbed my hand under the table, squeezing it lightly, encouraging me to go.

I sighed, getting up out of my seat, abandoning the food I was barely eating.

“Don’t look like a kicked puppy.” Ymir joked as Reiner began to walk away. Christa yelled at Ymir for her lack of empathy.

I followed Reiner outside and into the woods. The sun had gone down and you could clearly see the stars. I would’ve enjoyed it, if the feeling of dread wasn’t laying on top of me.

Deep down, I knew the reason he was taking me far from the grounds was to make sure no one could stumble upon us yet again. But I couldn’t help but fear him killing me. It was truly unreasonable, but with the way he talked to me, how he looked at me, it scared me. He was so angry.

We came to a cliffside, the image of the moon and stars reflected off the lake that laid in the at the bottom of the valley. It would be beautiful if my head wasn’t filled with a million horrible thoughts.

“You’re lucky,” He said sternly, walking behind me, putting me in between him and the cliff. “That she believed your story. You’re a good liar.”

“I learned from the best.” I shakingly jabbed. “What would’ve you done if she didn’t.”

“You know.” He replied coldly. “Did she really believe it?” 

I nodded quietly.

“Did she tell anyone?” He asked.

I shook my head. “No. Ymir was able to pick up on us fighting, but when asked why, Christa refused to share.”

“Good.” He said with finality.

I couldn’t look at his face, my eyes fixed on his shoes. When those feet started to move towards me, I got scared. Scared that he was about to push me off the edge of the cliff. I didn’t move, fear kept me planted to the ground. 

Reiner stepped up to me, wrapping his arms around my torso. “I’m sorry.” he softly said against my head. “I promised before that I wouldn’t yell at you like that.”

I stood still in his grasp, letting him tighten his arms around me like a snake. Tears began to stream down my face, but I couldn’t tell why.

Was I relieved that he wasn’t going to kill me, or even break up with me? Or was I devastated, knowing the plans to attack wall Rose were going to continue, no matter what I said. 

He pulled away from me, seeing my tears. Moving his hands, he cupped my face gently. “I’ve already discussed it with Bertolt and Annie. We will attack Trost at our graduation. Bertolt and I will do what we did last time. Annie will wait and survey for any sign of the founder.” He paused, wiping the tears from my face. “And you can just stay on the sidelines, continuing to pretend to be a scout.”

He thought his words were comforting, but they were far from it. I sobbed harder, tearing myself out of his grasp. I walked toward the cliff, as it was the only way I could go to get away from him. 

“You don’t understand.” I told him as my voice wavered. “I can’t be a part of it at all. I froze up last time because I was mistaken as a citizen. If I’m there, I’ll just freeze up and there’s no telling if I’ll ruin it all, or even get eaten.”

“Then you run away.” He said loudly. Walking toward me, he grabbed my arm. “If that’s what you need, then do it. You can meet up with us afterwards.”

I looked at him confused. I never would’ve expected him to say such a thing. Run away from a mission? That’s treason. So why is he so okay with me doing that?

“What about Annie or Bertolt?” I asked. “They’ll be pissed that I didn’t do anything, again.”

“Then they can answer to me.” He pulled me closer, making sure our bodies were pressed against one another. “I’m the leader. I make the decisions.”

I went quiet. I was happy that I was allowed to cower in a corner, but at the same time, that thought killed me. I was weak. Ever since I came to the island, I was constantly being torn apart by what was right or wrong. 

Is it wrong to leave my comrades to handle the mission on their own, risking their own lives. Or was it right to not partake in killing masses for what you were told was the “greater good of the world.” 

In the end, they were the same, and no matter what I did, I was always in the wrong. I just wanted to do the right thing for once, and do it confidently.

“Sometimes I wonder why you were even put on this mission.” Reiner said outloud, not letting me go. “You should’ve just stayed home.”

Normally those words would be an insult, and maybe I should’ve taken them as such. But I felt as though his underlying meaning was, if it was up to him, I wouldn’t have been placed in this shitty situation in the first place.

“Would you really have wanted me to stay at home?” I asked quietly, looking him in the eyes. 

If I stayed home, or even him, our relationship would’ve been so different. It would be us missing our best friend from across the sea, not knowing what was happening to the other. Our friendship wouldn’t have flourished into this beautifully complicated romance. But was that enough to make up for what we have done here?

“Of course not.” He quickly replied. “I like to think you were put on this mission to make sure I kept a level head. I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without your strength. Which is why I get so mad when you say things like you did last night. Because they make me feel like they are true.”

“But what if it is true?” I wrapped my arms around him. “We can just go home with what we have. We’ve been here for so long. The Marleyan government can do what they want with the information. What would us killing more people do?”

Reiner sighed, leaning his forehand against mine. “If we go home now, with so little, there’s no telling what they’ll do to us. They could see us as failures and hand out titans over to the next in line. I can’t have that happen… I can’t let them kill you. I don’t care how many lives I have to take, devil or not. I need you to live out your whole 13 years. Even if it kills me.”

“Riener.” I softly called out to him.

“I love you.” He admitted. “I love you and I can’t imagine you not in my life. Even the thought of you dying just a day before me… I just can’t live in a world without you.”

My brain went foggy, it was the first time he told me those words. Those three little words that hold so much meaning behind them. I love you. He stared at me so lovingly, so deeply, like he was reaching every crevasse of my body just by looking into my eyes. 

“I love you.” I repeated back to him, wanting him to know I felt the same. His lips wavered, creeping into a wide smile. “I can’t imagine a life without you either. Which is why you need to be careful. You can’t be taking such big strides, you’ll miss a root, and trip.”

“I promise.” He said sweetly. “But your life matters more than mine, that is the life I prioritize.”

Before I could argue he softly, yet so desperately, put his lips on mine. It was nothing like our first, granted we had more time to practice since that cold winter night. 

He was expressing his promise in more than just words. Putting his hand behind my neck, pulling me closer, as if I wasn’t close enough already. He put his other hand on my lower back, it truly felt like he wouldn’t be satisfied until we melded into one.

Notes:

I genuinely think this is the most romantic thing i've ever written, which of course had to be with a bit on angst. The first part was inspired by some art made by @ reibertanne on tiktok (its the post that was posted on 8/25 if you wanna check it out!). If you have any thoughts on all, please let me know!!! I wanna talk about this fic so much with people. Another playce to let me know your thoughts is my discord!!! that is where you can reach me easiest!

Link in quotev and wattpad bio or here: discord.gg/SPNmyV8qJR

thakn you all so so  so much for reading!!! love you all!!!

Notes:

I am very excited to be posting this, I am very in love with the way I have this story going! Updating might be slow bc I'm not used to posting such big chapters!
Please join my discord!! I want more aot and reiner friends! (Link in quotev and wattpad bio) or here: discord.gg/SPNmyV8qJR