Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Arthur checked his appearance in the mirror one last time and straightened the collar on his shirt. Nerves assaulted him, and he told himself to pack it in. There was no guarantee that Merlin would even be at the pub, and all this angst would be for nothing. Lance had only said that Merlin might be there. Might. Of course, that little word had been enough for Arthur to fixate on for the last couple of days, and he had spent all that time waiting for Friday evening to come around.
He left his flat and began the ten-minute walk to the pub they all met in. It was one of the nicer ones that the town boasted, but even if it had been the most flea-bitten, spit-and-sawdust dive, Arthur would have dragged himself there for the promise of seeing Merlin. He mentally rolled his eyes at how pathetic he was being, and tried to remind himself again that Merlin might not even turn up.
Merlin had taken him by surprise a couple of months ago. Arthur was relatively new to the area, and he’d joined a five-a-side team and become friendly with Lance. Lance had started inviting to his weekly get-togethers in an effort to help him make friends, and Arthur had been only too happy to go along. He’d enjoyed the first couple of sessions. Lance’s friends were a nice group of people, and Arthur had felt very at ease with them.
Then Merlin had shown up.
He had already been sitting chatting with Lance and Gwen when Arthur had arrived, and Arthur had almost walked into one of the barmaids when he had clocked him. Close-cropped dark curls framed a face that was truly breath-taking, with sharp cheekbones, a straight nose, and bee-stung lips that were entirely too enticing.
“Ah, so this is the fella I’ve been hearing all about,” Merlin had said, with an easy smile, and Arthur had had to remind himself that he did, in fact, possess the power of speech.
“Arthur Pendragon. Very pleased to meet you,” Arthur had said, offering his hand.
“Merlin Emerson,” Merlin had replied, and his hand had been warm and firm when he had shaken Arthur’s. “The pleasure’s all mine.”
And that had been all it had taken for Arthur to develop one almighty crush. Of course, the fact that Merlin seemed to be funny and clever and interesting didn’t help, and Arthur found himself going along to the pub every week hoping very much that Merlin would be there.
Arthur took a deep breath before he opened the door and let himself into The Fox & Hounds. He glanced around and saw Lance, Gwen, Elena, Gwaine, and Percy all sitting at one of the long tables beneath the window. There was no sign of Merlin. Damn it. Arthur plastered on a smile and joined the table, receiving a warm welcome as he did so.
“Got you a pint, mate,” Lance said, pushing the drink towards him as he sat down.
Don’t ask where Merlin is. Don’t ask where Merlin is.
“Thanks,” he said instead, taking a sip and trying to stamp down his disappointment. He wanted to make friends, after all, and he liked this group of people. It wasn’t their fault if none of them had cheekbones you could cut glass on.
“You’re looking very fetching tonight, Pendragon,” Gwaine said, as he leant back in his chair and gave Arthur a smirk.
“Am I?” Arthur said. He hadn’t quite decided what to make of Gwaine yet. He was friendly and seemed fairly easy-going, but Arthur could tell that he was sharper than he let on, and his words often had double-meanings. He and Merlin also seemed very close, and Arthur would have been lying if he said that didn’t bother him.
“Trying to catch someone’s eye?” Gwaine asked with a knowing look.
“Don’t tease him,” Gwen admonished. “You’re just jealous because he’s more handsome than you,” she added, with a wink in Arthur’s direction.
“Rubbish,” Gwaine scoffed. “You know you’ve got a soft spot for me. You only married Lance because you felt sorry for him.”
“It’s true,” Lance said affably. “She took pity on me, poor creature that I was. Whatever would have become of me without her?”
“Elena would have taken you in,” Gwaine said, and Elena gave a dramatic shudder.
“Perish the thought. Anyway, what would Mith have made of that?”
Arthur let the conversation wash over him, joining in now and again to answer a question or to respond to Gwaine’s teasing. He was naturally quite shy, and it took him a while to come out of his shell, but he found it had been easier than it usually was with this particular group. Occasionally, Gwen’s brother, Elyan, or Elena’s girlfriend, Mithian, would join them, and they made a lively bunch.
Arthur had always struggled to make friends. For one reason or another (reasons he preferred not to think about) he had often found himself isolated, adrift, set apart. He wanted so desperately to change that, and the move out of London to Newbury had been part of that resolve. He had surprised himself when he’d joined the five-a-side team that played in the local park, but he had yet to regret his decision.
“Is it too early to do shots?” Gwaine asked, as they discussed the next round.
“Yes it bloody well is, you reprobate,” Gwen said with a tut. “You know Ellie can drink you under the table anyway.”
Elena grinned and said, “It’s true. He hasn’t beaten me yet. Last time he passed out in the hedge in the car park.”
“That was a great night,” Gwaine said fondly. “Can’t remember a blessed thing about it, but it was a great night.”
“So, same again then?” Arthur asked. “I mean…with the drinks, not with Gwaine ending up in a hedge. My shout.”
He made his way up to the bar, which was already a couple of people deep, and prepared to wait. The pub was one of the few in the area that had a late licence, and it made it very popular, especially on the weekends. Lance and the others were probably in the mood for a bit of a session, but with Merlin a no-show, Arthur wasn’t sure that he’d be sticking around.
“You have to be a bit more aggressive with the old elbows if you want to get to the bar,” came a voice to his right, and he turned to find Merlin standing next to him.
Arthur tried very hard not to grin like an idiot, as he said, “Oh, hello. I didn’t think we’d be seeing you tonight.”
“I got held up with some nonsense at work. You didn’t think I’d pass up the opportunity to see you, did you?” Merlin asked with a smile, and Arthur forgot how to breathe.
“Oh, well, that’s…” he began eloquently, before he gave himself a mental kick. “It’s nice to see you. I’m glad you could make it.”
Merlin was wearing dark jeans and a soft green polo shirt, over which he was wearing a leather jacket that was actually making Arthur’s mouth water. He looked incredible, and Arthur wasn’t sure how he was supposed to look at anything else.
“I was just getting the next round in,” he said, wondering if anyone had ever looked as good as Merlin did. “What are you having?”
They got the drinks and Merlin helped Arthur take them all back to the table. He was greeted warmly, and Arthur took the opportunity to properly look at him while he chatted away with everyone. God, but he was beautiful. His hair was short, but the curl to it suited him, and its darkness was a lovely contrast to his pale skin. He had the most ridiculously blue eyes that Arthur had ever seen, and his smile was so mischievous it made Arthur’s skin tingle.
“So why are you so late?” Gwaine asked, as Merlin shifted out of the jacket and slung it over the back of his chair.
“Work ran over,” Merlin replied, taking a sip of his pint and leaving a little foam on his lip. Arthur seriously considered leaning over and licking it off. Merlin swiped at it with his forefinger and added, “I had a foot out the door when Freya rang me, and you know I’m never brave enough not to answer her.”
“And how is the lovely Freya?” Gwaine asked, and Arthur told himself that he wasn’t remotely bothered about who Freya might be.
“A force of nature. She’s strong-armed me into going to some damn art exhibition thing on Sunday. Apparently I have no say in the matter.”
“Is Freya your girlfriend?” Arthur asked before he could stop himself, and Gwaine snorted loudly.
“Not bloody likely. Freya’s a gorgeous girl with standards. She wouldn’t look twice at him.”
Merlin dipped his fingers in his drink and flicked it at Gwaine, then turned to Arthur and said, “Freya is a very dear friend. We’ve known each other since uni, and she takes great delight in using me as her dogsbody. It’s the fate of the gay friend, I suppose.”
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God, Arthur’s mind helpfully supplied. He’s gay. He’s actually gay.
“I’ve managed to sidestep that fate so far,” he said, and told himself that he was imagining the pleased look that flitted across Merlin’s face.
“Give it time,” Merlin said with a wink, and Arthur’s stomach threatened to drop into his shoes.
A couple of different conversations struck up about the table. Gwaine and Percy began to argue about the rugby game that had been on the previous night, while Elena, Gwen and Lance started talking about Gwen and Lance’s jobs at the local secondary school. Arthur took the opportunity to lean a little closer to Merlin and say, “I’ve just realised that I don’t know what you do for a living.”
Merlin smiled and said, “What would your guess be?”
Model. Actor. Sex god. Tormentor of gay disasters.
“Um, I don’t know. You’re very intelligent and you’re good with people.”
“That’s a nice assessment, although I’m sure plenty of people would say you’ve got the ‘intelligent’ bit wrong. I’m a speech and language therapist at the Royal Berks hospital.”
“Oh, I can see that,” Arthur said, impressed. “It must be a very rewarding job. I’d imagine you get to help a lot of people.”
Merlin nodded. “I love it. The red tape and bureaucracy can be a pain in the arse, and don’t get me started on the state of the NHS, but I really enjoy the day-to-day work. What about you? What do you do?”
“Corporate sellout,” Arthur said, trying to keep the embarrassment from his voice. Merlin had a useful job, a job that actually did some good in the world, while he was stuck running a company that he hated more with each passing year. “I won’t bore you with the details.”
“Well,” said Merlin, taking a long draw of his pint, “you’re a young man. If you’re not happy, you could always do something else.”
“Yeah,” Arthur agreed quietly. Merlin didn’t need to know that he was, in fact, stuck there with no possible chance of escape, and that he hated it with every fibre of his being. “Tell me about your work.”
Merlin told him about the path he had taken to become a therapist and the work he did at the hospital. Arthur loved the sound of his voice. He could listen to the rich, deep tones for hours, and he had to remind himself to actually listen to what Merlin was saying, rather than simply focusing on how beautifully he spoke.
“So,” Merlin said, a little while later when they were a few more drinks into the evening, “I’ll be nosy and ask how your love life is.”
“Oh,” Arthur said, sipping at his pint to buy himself some time. “There’s not much to tell really. Work keeps me pretty busy, and I don’t have that much time to dedicate to a partner. I tend to keep things rather casual.”
That’s it. Lie through your teeth.
“What about you?” he asked, still processing the fact that Merlin had confirmed that he was gay.
“Free and single,” Merlin replied, and Arthur couldn’t help but feel that there was something very deliberate in the way he said it.
“I’m sure there are plenty of people just waiting to snap you up,” Arthur said before he could stop himself.
“Oh really?” Merlin asked with a raised eyebrow. “You think I have one or two good points, then?”
“Yeah,” Arthur said with a smile. “One or two.”
“Care to stroke a fella’s ego and tell me what they are?”
Oh my God, he’s flirting.
“Well, I don’t think I need to tell you that you’re pretty easy on the eye,” Arthur said, feeling his face flush, and grateful that the alcohol was taking the edge of the potential embarrassment.
“Is that a fact?” Merlin asked, his expression mischievous. “Well, I’m very flattered.”
“And you’re intelligent, and um…nice,” Arthur said lamely, and Merlin grinned.
“I’m positively melting under all these compliments,” Merlin teased. “Of course, one could say all these things about you.”
“Me?”
“Mmhm. You’re pretty easy on the eye as well, you know,” Merlin said, and Arthur felt extremely affected by the assertion. “I’m sure you could have your pick of people. In fact, I’ve noticed several pairs of eyes looking your way tonight.”
“Maybe they’re looking at you,” Arthur countered, and a thrill went up his spine at the thought that he was flirting back. He had no idea he could be so brave.
“Maybe they’re looking at us both.”
The night continued and the drinks flowed. Arthur found himself doing shots with Elena and Gwaine, while Merlin and Gwen egged them on. Conversation was animated and interesting, but Arthur found himself constantly conversing with Merlin, as though they were in their own little world that no one else could encroach upon. The alcohol lowered his inhibitions, and he found himself laughing and flirting with Merlin in a way he had never done with anyone before.
Perhaps it wasn’t just the alcohol. Merlin had a way of putting Arthur at ease, even if he was responsible for the butterflies in his stomach, and Arthur felt as though some kind of spell had been cast over him. He found it impossible to look away from him, and every time Merlin laughed or told some ridiculous story, those pesky butterflies seemed to duplicate.
“Ooh, the quiz machine is finally free,” Merlin said, looking over to the corner.
“God, you and that bloody machine,” Gwaine said, rolling his eyes. “Sid had to unplug it to get you off it last time.”
Merlin grinned and said, “No one’s beaten my score yet. Come on, Arthur. You can be my partner in crime.”
He dragged Arthur out of his chair, which Arthur was all too happy about, and they crowded around the battered old quiz machine while Merlin inserted a few coins. Merlin was quite clearly tipsy, and he giggled his way through the first couple of questions, while Arthur watched him with a dopey smile.
“Was Waterloo 1815 or 1816?” Merlin asked, frowning at the screen.
“1815,” Arthur replied. “I have far too many historic battles memorised.”
“Don’t tell me things like that, Arthur,” Merlin said in a low voice. “I have a weakness for men who like history.”
“Is that a fact?” Arthur asked, daring to move a little closer. “That’s an odd fetish to have.”
“You have no idea,” Merlin said wickedly.
They continued to play the trivia game, and the distance between them became non-existent. Merlin’s hand snaked over Arthur’s hip as they debated which film won the Oscar for Best Picture in 1995, and Arthur let himself lean against Merlin’s chest. He felt as though he had electricity running through his veins, and he couldn’t remember a time when he had felt so alive. Merlin kept whispering in his ear, and every skim of his breath over Arthur’s skin went straight to his cock.
“You’re so good at this,” Arthur said, as Merlin got another high score.
“I have a brain for trivia,” Merlin said, as his hand settled warmly in the small of Arthur’s back. “Or perhaps you weren’t talking about the game,” he added conspiratorially.
“Perhaps I wasn’t,” Arthur said, turning his head and finding Merlin’s face pleasantly close to his own.
Merlin’s eyes went to Arthur’s lips, and Arthur couldn’t stop his tongue from darting out to wet them. He felt Merlin’s fingers press more insistently against his back, as he said, “If I asked you to come home with me, would you be horrified?”
“Why don’t you try it and see?” Arthur asked, feeling nervous and excited all at once.
Merlin’s eyes darkened, and he said, “Want to get out of here?”
“Fuck yes,” Arthur breathed.
They ordered a taxi; Merlin only lived about fifteen minutes away, but it was apparently out in the sticks and they wouldn’t be able to walk. They said their goodbyes, and Arthur tried to make out as though he was going back to his own flat, although he hadn’t been too successful, if Gwaine’s knowing look was anything to go by.
The taxi ride was short, but utterly torturous. Apparently, neither he nor Merlin was the type to expose some poor driver to their backseat snogging, but hands went wandering, and Arthur felt like he might explode.
There was a little voice in the back of his mind screaming at him and asking what the hell he was playing at, but lust and alcohol were drowning it out pretty effectively. He really had no idea what he was playing at. He was so attracted to Merlin that all rational thought seemed to have abandoned him, but part of him was panicking. He had no idea what he was doing.
They made it into Merlin’s house, which was indeed out in the sticks, and the front door was barely closed behind him when they melted into one another. Arthur couldn’t stop the moan that escaped him when Merlin pushed him up against the wall and kissed him like there was no tomorrow. One of Arthur’s hands gripped the leather jacket as Merlin’s tongue insinuated itself into his mouth, and he felt Merlin’s fingers twist in his hair, pulling it gently.
It was insanely glorious. He had never been kissed like that before, and he was so hard it bordered on painful. He felt as though he was being devoured whole, and he so desperately wanted to give himself over to it, but that little voice was becoming louder now and it would soon be impossible to ignore.
“You have no idea how long I’ve been thinking about this,” Merlin murmured, as he pressed open-mouthed kisses to Arthur’s neck, while the hand in Arthur’s hair held on a little more tightly.
Arthur couldn’t bring himself to reply, especially when he felt Merlin’s hard prick push against his thigh. The panic was growing now, and he had no idea what he was meant to do. Did he tell Merlin the truth and end up being utterly humiliated, or did he try and fake it and hope Merlin wouldn’t notice that he didn’t have a clue what he was doing?
“What do you like?” Merlin asked, as his free hand skimmed over Arthur’s torso.
“Um…” was all Arthur could manage.
“Do you prefer to top or bottom?”
“I don’t…I mean I…”
Merlin’s fingers loosened in Arthur’s hair and he pulled back with a frown. “Are you ok?” he asked, and Arthur didn’t have a clue how to answer him. The adrenaline and alcohol were all mingling together, and the resulting effect was one of nausea rather than lust.
“Merlin, I’m not sure that I can – ” He cut himself off, too embarrassed to finish the sentence.
“Jesus, you’re shaking,” Merlin said, stepping back to give Arthur some space. “Arthur – ”
“I’m so sorry, Merlin. I’ll go.”
“Hey, hold on a minute,” Merlin said, and his voice was so calm Arthur used it to try and anchor himself. “You’re allowed to change your mind. If you don’t want this – ”
“God, but I do,” Arthur said, and his voice cracked with emotion. “It’s just…Christ, I can’t even say it.”
“Right,” Merlin said, his tone decisive. “We’re going to take this down a notch. You’re going to take a seat at the table, and I’m going to make us both a nice cup of tea. We’ll have a little chat, and if, and only if, you want to tell me what’s going on, I’ll listen.”
Arthur let himself be guided over to a lovely little wooden table, and it was only when he took a seat that he realised he was in a very pretty farmhouse-style kitchen. Merlin pottered around making the tea, checking how Arthur took it, and Arthur felt as though the whole thing was entirely too surreal. His heart was still thundering in his chest, and he couldn’t quite believe that Merlin hadn’t thrown him out on his ear for being such a dick.
“Thanks,” he said quietly, when Merlin handed him his tea and slid into the seat opposite. “I’m so sorry,” he added, staring down at his tea as though he could divine some answers from it.
“You don’t have anything to apologise for.”
Arthur gave a humourless laugh and said, “Sure. I’m sure all the blokes you bring home have a panic attack and cock-block you in the kitchen.”
“First of all, this isn’t a regular habit. I don’t bring scores of men home and have a different hook-up every weekend. Secondly, I’m worried about you, you pillock. I couldn’t give a shit about the sex.”
Arthur looked up at him, and he could tell that he was being genuine. He didn’t know if that made it better or worse. “I feel like such an arse,” he said with a heavy sigh.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Merlin asked gently.
“I don’t know what to say,” Arthur said, raking a hand through his hair and remembering how it had felt to have Merlin’s fingers gripping it.
“Arthur, anything you tell me will stay between us, I promise, but if you don’t want to talk, I won’t push you.”
“Well, I suppose my embarrassment can’t get much worse. There’s not really any coming back from tonight, is there? I’m a virgin, alright? At the grand age of twenty-seven, the furthest I’ve gone with anyone, of any gender, is kissing.”
“Oh, I see,” Merlin said levelly, and Arthur frowned at him.
“Aren’t you going to laugh? Take the piss?”
“Why on earth would I do that?”
“Well, it’s pathetic, isn’t it? A grown man with no more experience than a twelve year old,” Arthur said bitterly.
“There’s nothing pathetic about it. It’s a little surprising, I’ll admit. You’re a very handsome man, and you’re intelligent and engaging. I’m sure there have been offers before mine, and they clearly haven’t worked out. I’m not going to judge you for it.”
“I feel so ashamed,” Arthur admitted quietly.
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Merlin insisted, but Arthur couldn’t bring himself to believe him. “Look, I know everyone thinks that sex is the be-all and end-all, and I’m not denying it has its place, but it isn’t everything. Do you want to have sex?”
“Of course I do.”
“Well, asexual people do exist. There’s a whole spectrum you could fall into.”
“I get that, and I’m not dismissing it; it just doesn’t apply to me.”
“So, in the past, things just haven’t happened for you?” Merlin asked, and Arthur could tell he was trying to be delicate.
He took a rather large glug of his tea and appreciated its sweetness. He really didn’t know how much information he wanted to give away at this point, but then again he had never made this confession to anyone else before. “You could say that,” he said eventually. “I guess you could call me a late bloomer.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that, you know. People seem to fixate on this whole ‘losing virginity’ business, but there isn’t actually an age limit. I mean, I didn’t sleep with anyone until I was twenty-two, so you’re not that far behind me.”
“But you’re gorgeous,” Arthur blurted out, then resisted the urge to bite off his own tongue.
“Well, thanks,” Merlin said, sporting a very fetching blush. “I’ll admit that I’ve grown into my looks a little, but I was an extremely awkward-looking teenager. Besides, the whole gay thing can make these things a little difficult.”
“Yeah,” Arthur said with a nod, knowing all too well how that went.
“Truth be told,” Merlin said, looking down at his tea, “my first couple of encounters were less than ideal. I actually wish I’d waited, if I’m honest with you. I should have made sure that my introduction into that whole world was…safer, more fulfilling. You don’t realise how much those formative experiences can shape your relationship with sex.”
“I suppose I’d never really thought about it like that before,” Arthur said, wondering if Merlin was just saying it to make him feel better.
“You know,” Merlin said, with a thoughtful frown, “what would have been nice would have been to explore the whole thing with a friend; someone I could trust, someone who actually gave a shit about me. It would have saved me a whole lot of trouble, believe me.”
“You mean like ‘friends with benefits’?”
“Yeah, yeah I guess that’s what I mean,” Merlin said. He looked at Arthur for a moment, obviously considering something, then said carefully, “How would you feel about having that kind of arrangement?”
“You mean…being friends with benefits?” Arthur asked, feeling his eyes widen. “You and me?”
“Look, I’m not saying I’m an expert or any kind of lothario, but I could help you gain some experience in a safe environment. We could just keep it very casual, no pressure, and you can see what all the fuss is about.”
“You’d be willing to do that?”
“I think I could find it in myself, yes,” Merlin said with a smile. “I like you, Arthur. We get on well, and you’re a good-looking guy. There’s no reason we can’t be friends who have a little fun.”
“No, I suppose there isn’t,” Arthur said, feeling a little giddy.
“Sleep on it. If you decide you don’t want to take me up on the offer, we’ll never mention it again. If you do, then we’ll have a proper chat about it.”
“Ok,” Arthur said, feeling some of the tension in his stomach uncoil a bit. “I should get out of your hair.”
“Don’t be daft. You’ll never get a taxi around here at this time of night. You can stay in the spare room.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to impose.”
“Of course I’m sure, you silly sod. Come on.”
Arthur drained the last of his tea and Merlin led him to the guest room, then showed him where the bathroom was, saying, “Clean towels are in the airing cupboard. Feel free to have a shower in the morning. Oh, and there’s a pack of toothbrushes in the medicine cabinet. Help yourself.”
“I thought you didn’t have regular guests,” Arthur said with a raised eyebrow.
“I don’t. I have an arsehole cat who takes great pleasure in knocking my toothbrush into the loo any chance he gets. It’s handy to have spares.”
“Oh,” Arthur said, grinning stupidly.
“Well, I’ll say goodnight.”
“Merlin…Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it,” Merlin said with an easy smile, before he turned and made his way to his own room.
Arthur watched him go, and let out a long, slow breath. All things considered, it hadn’t been a bad night.