To feed the hand that bites

by iriswritessometimes

Summary:

On a cool mid-autumn evening, Alice is pinned down and fed upon by a vampire. That vampire happens to be her coworker, Gwen, who coerces her into an agreement. For the price of her blood, she can keep her life. As their dynamic twists and shifts, the core of their relationship is revealed...

Chapter 1: Put her canine teeth in the side of my neck

Summary:

After a concert, Alice is stumbled into by Gwen. Thinking Gwen is vulnerable and in need of help, Alice attempts to assist her.

Damn her and her bleeding heart.

Notes:

chapter title: lyrics from "red wine supernova" by chappell roan

Alice stumbles out of the venue, panting and flushed, her pulse still thrumming in time with the beat. The night carries on, muffled and distant. She bobs her head as her lone footsteps clack against cobblestone. Alice meanders, enjoying how the sweat on her skin evaporates with an autumnal gust. It's a beautiful fall evening, a welcome break from the madhouse she just slipped out of. Nothing against Luke, but she had hit her limit about ten times over. She had been looking forward to the throb of music deep within her chest and losing herself to the crowd's chaos. She had gotten that. Now, she's looking forward to showering and passing out for the next twelve hours. But the quiet after party, escaping and claiming the night back for herself, well, that's her encore. She feels...alive.

The alleyway she wanders is dotted with a few flickering streetlights, and she's almost at the end of it. She hopes that since she left early she won't have to wait to flag down a cab. As she approaches the exit, she notices the last streetlight's reach only extends so far, but the bustle and brightness of the road is right there. Despite this, there's a liminal space between both lights where it's darker than any other part of the path. She sighs at this because there's always something. At least you're alone, she thinks.

Alice walks a little further and notices another person.

They stand at the edge engulfed in shadow as if the street's light has ripped open. Her heart thumps against her ribs like an anxious rabbit. She inches closer. Layers of darkness slough off, and she realizes the person is a woman. More than that, it's Gwen. She breathes an easy sigh of relief and waits for Gwen to either turn around or give an annoyed greeting. Neither happens. Drawing ever closer, Alice sees that Gwen is pulling herself forward by mere centimeters as if she's dragging her feet. Alice takes the plunge.

"Hey, Gwendolyn. While it is so nice to see you outside of work, I think I'm a little too sober and tired to have a long conversation right now, so let's just speed run this. How's it going? Good! Where're you off to? Oh wow, that's great! Nice weather we're having, hope your stocks are doing well, blah blah blah, okay we're sufficiently caught up."

Alice somehow runs through this whole spiel without being interrupted. She expected pleasantries, or whatever they're called between her and Gwen (unpleasantries?). While Gwen is not a real yapper like her, it's rare for her to say nothing at all. Worry creeps up on her, but the scale still falls to the other side. Her adrenaline has crashed into the dirt like a failed rocket launch. The only thing keeping her from collapsing like a sleep deprived Sim is the fact that it's 12 degrees out (or 55 for all you American freaks). She'd shoo off her favorite coworker right now. And Gwen is not her favorite coworker.

"If you have nothing to say, that's fine by me, I'm just gonna go then."

She gives Gwen a wide berth, and Gwen still manages to careen into her, waking up like an animatronic coming to life at precisely the wrong moment. Alice is about to give Gwen an earful, but she falls forward, sagging into Alice. A few seconds go by. She's not...she's not getting up.

Gwen's skin is icy, and that ice makes a pit in Alice's stomach. This is just like the drowned lady. She'll fail to save someone again. Except she knows Gwen. Doesn't like her, but god, does that even matter now? She's never wanted her to die. Alice isn't ready for all the comforting and pitying words again. You did your best, but it just barely wasn't enough. She's going to be sick. She needs to call 999. What's wrong with her stupid life? What's wrong with her?

Then Gwen shifts in her arms. She nuzzles her nose into Alice's neck and sniffs. Before Alice can comprehend these layers of fuckery, Gwen mumbles something into Alice's pulse. Her throat vibrates, and a full body shiver courses through her. She never expected to be this close to Gwen in her entire life. And while this development is really throwing her through a loop, Gwen said something she didn't hear.

"What?" She asks, eloquently.

Gwen pulls back, still clinging to her, to speak.

"Clean...and warm."

Goddammit. She's completely pissed isn't she.

Despite the fact that Alice is in the minority of people who wear deodorant at concerts, she's sure she must smell like sweat in sharp contrast to the crisp autumn air. There's no way a sober Gwen would lean on her like this, even if she had just showered.

"Yeah, 'clean,'" she says with typical Alice sarcasm, emphasizing with air quotes.

"I'm serious," Gwen says, seriously. Of course she is, Alice thinks. Why would she ever expect a sloshed idiot roaming the streets at night to double down?

Gwen pokes her flushed cheek and insists, "Clean."

God, she's probably freezing from walking around drunk all night. Despite every bone in her body being annoyed at helping her, especially after that near heart attack she gave her, she asks Gwen if she's okay. If she needs Alice to call a cab for her. And instead of responding like a normal person, Gwen snuggles up against her like how a lizard might cozy up against a sunbaked rock. She doesn't break eye contact with Alice, craning her neck to stare up at her while glued to her side.

"Warm," she repeats. Her eyes shine in the direct glow of the streetlight, brightness consuming them.

"I'm not a heater, just go home." Alice sighs. This interaction has drained the life out of her. All she wants now is to flop on her bed and be dead to the world.

Gwen smirks lazily at her.

"You know, you couldn't get away from me. Even if you tried." She looks around. "No witnesses either."

"What are you talking about," Alice groans, long suffering. Gwen should change her name to Gwendolyn Drunkard. She's already tired of wherever Gwen's train of thought is going. "You're probably six stones sopping wet.''

The corners of Gwen's eyes turn up as she grins and opens her mouth. She licks her long...thin, tongue over the top row of her teeth. Pristine white incisors and canines glimmer, freshly wet and sharp. Every little oddity of the night crashes into her like an avalanche. Why did she look so menacing when Alice first saw her? Why was she so cold? Why did her eyes reflect the same way a cat's might? And why, oh why, did she refer to Alice as clean after sniffing her neck?

Alice knows the answer. She might be a skeptic, but she's not a moron. The truth stares her in the face. Gwen is a vampire. An honest to god vampire. And Alice is alone with her in the shadows of a back alley.

She blinks, and Gwen has her pinned against the brick wall of the alleyway. She has no time to process or fight back before Gwen leans into the crook of her neck again. Alice expects a sudden and dramatic burst of pain, her life snuffed out and over in an instant, but nothing comes. A featherlight sensation bristles the hairs on her neck. Is Gwen...shaving where she's going to drink from? She runs a cold hand over Alice's now bare skin, brushing away the hairs. Alice guesses she wouldn't want hair in her food either. The thought is nauseating. She's nothing but food to Gwen now.

Gwen's teeth break through her skin. They carve out a small circle where she starts lapping from. Some of it drips down Alice's neck, overflowing. Gwen chases it the same way you would lick the side of a spilled drink. The searing pain immobilizes her, but she can still think. She's trapped with racing thoughts completely at the whims of this monster she once called a coworker. It hurts like a bitch, but her pain tolerance is decent enough that she won't pass out until she loses enough blood. She finds herself wishing it was lower so she could pass out and get this over with. Distantly, she thinks about how much more sense this makes compared to two tiny holes and straw-like teeth.

Alice starts feeling lightheaded. It's because she's hyperventilating. She breathes in. Out. In. Out. Her breath shakes. She can feel Gwen getting annoyed and swallows a pitiful laugh. It's comforting that Gwen can still get irritated by her. She takes in more long inhales. Okay. She can do this.

"Just so you know, I'm okay with this," she says. Despite Gwen's expression being obscured, she knows she's raising an eyebrow but continues anyway. "I'm letting you do this. So there."

Gwen pulls back and stares. "Okay. Whatever," she says with blood dripping down her face. She continues feeding on Alice.

When she thinks she's finally going to pass out from blood loss, Gwen stills and slumps into her neck. God, is chivalry dead? Alice shoves Gwen off her, and she's so light it's concerning. Every act Alice takes feels like pushing through molasses. Was Gwen starving or is this vampire weight? At least she's warmer now. Through a dim haze, it dawns on her that the warmth she feels from Gwen now is from her blood thrumming through her. She shivers.

Despite the dizziness, she roots through her bag for some kind of gauze or bandage. She finds a large plaster and manages to slap it on her neck before also passing out. Alice dreams of drowning in blood with waves that rock like a pulsing heartbeat.

Notes:

i created this because of inkfingers_mcgee's iconic fic "strange manner." please do yourself a favor and go read that it's amazing!! in the notes of the first chapter they reference this tumblr post about vampires which i've taken a lot of inspiration from. i'm actually american (i'm sure real brits could tell). thank you lee for proofreading this!! i've been thinking about vampire gwen on and off since april. and really that's about it

 

this fic will update. it will

Chapter 2: What am I gonna do? Not grab your wrist?

Summary:

Alice's life has been fundamentally changed. She tries to shift the hand in her favor. Fate is a traitor.

Notes:

chapter title: lyrics from "boyfriend" by dove cameron

note: the content of this chapter could be read as a sexual assault metaphor/has adjacent implications. that is not my intention, but i'm putting a warning here in case that is triggering for anyone. this chapter will be summarized in the end notes :)

Alice expects to be shaken awake by somebody concerned by seeing her passed out in an alley all alone. They help her to her unsteady feet, and she leans on them. She chokes down her horrid tale, and no questions are asked. They take a cab back to her flat and stay with her until she has to go to work. At home, they order a hearty meal and laze around on her couch for the rest of the day, flitting in and out of consciousness as they doze. When she goes to work, Gwen is gone. She never has to think about what it felt like to be feasted upon ever again. How it felt to be pinned down like a bug in a glass case. How it felt to have blood pour out of her like a broken faucet. And through it all, how it felt to be unable to resist. Alice was only able to watch as her life was drained from her.

She wakes up. Alone. Brushing a hand over her aching neck wound, she notices the plaster has soaked through and dried. Blood flakes off and crumbles against her fingertips. She stumbles to her feet with palms scraping against coarse brickwork. The texture tugs at her tangled hair as she peels herself away from the wall. Gravity fights her very existence. She groans. How dare she be awake, let alone alive?

This is your life now, she thinks. What are you going to do with it?

Alice takes a step. Another. And another. She just needs to put one foot in front of the other until things make sense again. She has to be pragmatic about this. That's what adults do. Police. Lots of crying and rambling. Explanations that don't make sense but are accepted anyway. At least she won't have to say the whole truth because they'll never believe her. She doesn't want to anyway. She's tired of feeling crazy. A coworker took a bite out of her neck. That's enough to get Gwen arrested, right? If she has to explain to some stupid cop that she would mess with Gwen at work, and that makes her get blamed for being bitten, she's going to personally light the entire police station on fire. She might find their houses too.

Alice pulls her phone out of her purse and stares at the keypad. It's three simple taps. All the same number even. Why is this so hard for her?

She doubles over as a sudden sense of dread punches her in the gut. The sensation has been building in the back of her mind, but she attributed it to feeling on edge from being assaulted. A primal instinct from deep within makes her whip her head to face the end of the street. Someone's glare pierces through her skin, boring holes into her. She sees how the person ruptures where the sunlight hits. They emanate a black glow, hazy and disorienting. The person licks their too long tongue over teeth that glint in the dim morning light. Alice's heart bounces in her chest like a pinball gone awry. It's Gwen. And Alice is overcome with the understanding that if she goes to the police, Gwen won't hesitate to kill her.

Gwen is gone before Alice can confirm she was there.

Alice slumps against the brick wall. She's just woken up, but she's already exhausted by her heart running a marathon in her chest. Not to mention the blood loss. After catching her breath, she stands up. Too fast. Her vision goes out, but she doesn't fall. Hold it together, she thinks. You're not sleeping in an alleyway again. Alice staggers out into the road and waits for a cab. She's taken to her flat where she promptly crumples into a dreamless sleep.

When she wakes up, the sun has dipped below the horizon. Her lips are stuck together, and her stomach wages a war against her for the injustice of going a day without food. She's overwhelmed with the desire to have a greasy fast food meal, so she feels around on her bedside table for her phone. She imagines biting into a burger. Sinking her teeth into flesh. The meat juicing and running down her hands and arms. The memory of her skin being broken into flashes in her mind. She fights back a gag. She'll order her favorite pizza tonight. Alice eats the whole box over the course of a few hours.

Every part of her wants to crawl back into bed and go back to sleep, but she can't avoid work forever. She will get answers. The tube ride passes by in a blur. Then her hand rests on the doorknob to the office. She holds it there for so long she begins to sweat. No, she thinks. You're alive, so Gwen hasn't won. (It hits her that Gwen isn't technically alive.) She won't let Gwen control her like this. Alice opens the door. Her eyes jump to Gwen's desk. She sits there, the same as ever. The audacity. Alice wants to grab her by the collar and shake her. How come she gets to sit there like her teeth weren't in the side of Alice's neck last night?

Alice goes to her desk. She expects the other shoe to drop, but nothing happens. While her computer boots up, she waits for an acknowledgement of her presence, but nothing comes. It's not strange for Gwen to ignore her at work. What is strange is when Gwen gets up and leaves mere minutes after she's clocked in. Alice spins from side to side in her rolling chair, confused and stunned. Okay, maybe she's being dramatic. Gwen probably wanted more coffee. Maybe she went to the bathroom. That's not her business. Why would it be? Alice starts her caseload and a decidedly not normal amount of time passes before Gwen comes back. Is she...slacking off? Or, and this hits her like a tonne of bricks, is she avoiding Alice? As the night rolls on, with Gwen saying nothing and leaving constantly, anger wells up inside of her.

Their shift drags to a close. Gwen gets up to leave before Alice has even shut down her computer. Spite, Alice's closest friend, colors her judgment. She wants to avoid Gwen. But she'll be damned if Gwen avoids her. Alice beelines to the door and locks it.

"Alice?" She turns to face Gwen, her back to the door.

"What, Gwen."

"Why did you lock the door?" She sounds genuinely confused. Goddamn her.

"Oh, you bitch."

"What?" Gwen says, now offended.

"You don't get to do that."

"Do what?" She's going to strangle her.

"Act like nothing happened last night! I could've, should've, called the police as soon as I woke up. You know, because I passed out in an alley after I got assaulted? You should be being interrogated right now, but you aren't. You should be grateful. This is not looking grateful to me. Tell me why I shouldn't call the police right now."

Gwen doesn't reply. She's turned away, her face unreadable.

"Tell me!" Alice shouts.

Gwen peers up at her, eyes brimming with tears. A pang of guilt sears in Alice's chest.

"I-I'm sorry." Gwen's voice wobbles.

"You're sorry? Seriously? That's it?" Alice says, incredulous.

"What else am I supposed to say? Do I beg for forgiveness knowing full well I don't deserve it, let alone will receive it?"

"You're not prostrating yourself in front of me because you won't be forgiven? Are you hearing yourself? It's called actions having consequences, Gwen. Something you've clearly never heard of considering you decided to maim me because it was convenient—"

"'Decided!?'" Gwen shrieks. "You think I woke up and 'decided' to attack you just for kicks? You have no idea what it's like to have the only way you can survive be through violence. To have your sense of self fade away into bloodlust. To wake up covered in gore not knowing who it belongs to."

"Are you trying to make me pity you? Oh, I'm so sorry, immortal being who's had centuries to figure out better ways to feed on people. It must've been so hard for you last night. No, it was super cool getting turned into a living, breathing four-course meal for you. I had a grand ol' time being left in a back alley where nobody found me for the rest of the night. I should be the one who's grateful since you let me keep my life—"

As she's ranting, Gwen strides up to Alice and flips their positions in less than a second. She pins Alice's hands to her sides. The door shudders.

"Yeah. You should be."

A dizzying few seconds slip through her pinned hands.

She tries to escape Gwen's iron grip. This only results in her looking down at Gwen who smirks up at her, cocky and infuriating.

"Wh-What?" Other articulate words die on her tongue.

"Locking the door, Alice? Really? Now nobody can get in to help you." Her lilted, playful tone is equally maddening.

"I thought you..." ...she's not sure what she thought. She wanted the upper hand.

"Trusting me once is one thing, but twice?" Gwen shakes her head. "Your naivety is becoming a pattern."

"When did I trust you tonight?" Whatever mistakes Alice has made tonight, she's sure trusting Gwen again isn't one of them.

"You trusted my feelings. My hypothetical sympathies for you. You still don't realize I'm not human, and that I've cast aside what once made me so. Why would I care about what I have to do to survive?"

Alice swallows, her throat dry.

"What are you going to do to me?"

Her heart thrashes against her ribcage. Trapped. Just like she is.

Gwen drops her hands. Alice doesn't move.

"Oh, stop that. Nothing yet. You fed me last night, after all. But, let's make a deal. You feed me every other week."

Alice knows she has no say in this. She still waits for her end of the bargain. Gwen says nothing.

"What do I get in return?"

"To keep your life." Gwen rasps. She clears her throat. "I'll buy your meals for each day you feed me. It's a deal, hm?"

She says this so casually, like it's not completely changing Alice's life. She nods. Gwen smiles at her.

"Have a good night, Alice." Gwen unlocks the door and slips out.

Alice's wrists pulse and sting. Her blood feels heavy underneath her skin. Heavy with the weight of the destiny they're tied to. Heavy with the weight of what they've already done.

She turns off her computer and goes home.

Notes:

alice expects to be taken care of and never see gwen again. she wakes up alone in an alley and has to take care of herself instead. she goes home, sleeps, and then eats an entire pizza. she goes to work for answers and gets ignored. alice makes some poor decisions out of spite like locking herself in the office with gwen. they argue about gwen biting her and their respective experiences until gwen pins her against the office's door. alice fears for her life, but gwen makes her a deal. for the price of a bi-weekly blood donation, she gets to keep her life and get a day's worth of food each time. gwen leaves, and alice realizes the weight her blood carries now. alice leaves.

 

what did i tell you

Chapter 3: Pick the apple from the tree, open up and bite it

Summary:

The first feeding. The apple, and what it implies.

Notes:

chapter title: lyrics from "fruity" by chloe moriondo

"Are you ready?" Gwen tugs on dark brown leather gloves. She dusts off her thick plaid coat. In the early hours of Saturday, they finish their shift.

It's been two weeks since Gwen tore into her flesh like it was wet paper. Drank her like sucking the juice out of a fruit.

Nothing has happened since then. That hasn't stopped Alice from having her base emotion go from "bored" to "prey animal levels of anxiety." Like standing at a cliff and looking at the ground below. Always on the edge of something. She was ready for the pen to drop. And yet.

Gwen tilts her head. Alice stands up and wraps her scarf around her neck. She said Alice could come over and sleep while she makes her breakfast. And all her other meals for the day. All leading up to their "deal." Alice's body doesn't feel right in her skin. She shakes. But it doesn't matter. She can't refuse.

They get into a cab together. It's nice to get home cooked food, Alice thinks, trying to distract herself. Cooking after work is hellish. Does that make any of this worth it? No!

She holds back a laugh at the absurdity of her situation.

They arrive at Gwen's flat. The complex is normal looking, maybe even a little run-down. She wasn't kidding about them having the same paycheck. What happened to nepotism? Or, at the very least, the accuracy of vampires being rich? Aren't they meant to be metaphors about capitalism sucking the common man dry? Fiction versus reality, she muses. For someone as prissy as Gwen this must be a sore subject, so she avoids bringing it up. Probably better not to piss off the woman who could kill Alice at a moment's notice in her own house. Alice sighs and follows Gwen up some rusty concrete stairs to a door with peeling paint. The door opens with a satisfying clack, and they both step inside.

"Unless you feel like taking a shower right now, you can sleep on my couch while I make you breakfast." Gwen toes off her heeled boots. Alice's docs thump onto the tile.

"Okay..." she mumbles. Gwen's sofa actually looks pretty nice. Alice plops down onto the cushions and they sink underneath her. She watches as Gwen opens a kitchen drawer and puts on an apron.

Can she just...? Is it okay? God, no of course it's not. Despite that, she's so exhausted her eyes are already drooping. Her body wins out over her brain, and she dozes off. She dreams of nothing.

Alice wakes up to Gwen gently brushing her fingertips over her neck wound, and she jolts upright.

"It's healing nicely," she comments.

"Oh, really?" Alice snips, despite herself. Gwen opens her mouth and then closes it.

"I'm sorry." Gwen has the audacity to look slightly guilty as she says this. "Come eat. We can talk."

Whatever Gwen has prepared smells hearty and comforting, and what can she say, she's a simple woman, and a damn hungry one, so she puts her fear and anger aside for now. Gwen has made her a full breakfast complete with fried eggs, sausages, baked beans, grilled tomatoes, mushrooms, and two slices of whole wheat toast. There's also a cup of orange juice. This is the most well balanced meal she's had in a while, and she can't remember the last time someone cooked for her. What profoundly depressing thoughts, she thinks.

Alice shuffles over to her dining table and takes a seat. She picks at the food, hesitant, before tucking into it in earnest when she realizes it's damn good. Gwen sits down opposite to her, slowly, as if not to startle a skittish animal. She watches as Alice eats.

"I didn't mean to bite so deep." Her words shatter the tension between them like a boulder dropped onto thick ice over a lake.

"Somehow, I don't believe that," she bites out. "You're always in control of the situation. Isn't that right?"

Gwen smiles, her lips laced with the calculated confidence of someone who has already won.

"Maybe. But I was weaker than usual. Hungry. You could've fought back." Her smile drops. "Not anymore."

Fear bores a hole into Alice's stomach again. She stares at the meat on her plate. Was the animal in her sausage well fed like her? She imagines herself naked and plated on an antique dining table. The tablecloth is keepsake lace. Her skin is cold and clammy, and her platter is porcelain and stained scarlet. Despite her circumstances, she struggles to think of herself as dead on that fateful final resting place. No, she can only imagine herself as horribly and resolutely alive.

She eats the rest of her meal in silence.

When Alice finishes her food, she gets up to leave, but Gwen grabs her wrist.

"You can borrow any of my clothes to sleep in my bed, but you can't leave." Alice scoffs at this.

"Do I seriously have to spend all day with you? Listen, it's been real, but I need to get out for a bit. I'll come back, of course I'll come back, why wouldn't I come back?"

Gwen smiles that arsenic smile again.

"You're not getting away from me that easily."

She starts putting away Alice's dishes and cleaning up her kitchen. Alice sighs. So much for that.

Alice digs around in Gwen's closet and, because she's nosy, finds a pristine reunion t-shirt for the hundred year anniversary for the college class of 1914. It's still wrapped in a rubber band. Gwen probably hasn't even washed it, but it's too funny not to wear. It might be the only thing that'll fit her anyway since Gwen is so short. She takes off her clothes and pulls the shirt over her head before flopping into Gwen's bed. The sheets smell nice, like they've recently been washed, but it might be because she doesn't use it. Maybe Gwen only has this bed for appearances. She sleeps standing up in a corner, eyes wide open and hands crossed over her chest. That's an awful thought. She's so unsettled and tired she passes out within moments.

Alice wakes up to the smell of something greasy and delectable wafting in the air. She pads into the kitchen and peeks over Gwen's shoulder to see her frying a fish. There's also a sizable pile of patted down chips on a paper towel.

"You could've ordered that," she says.

"This way I know what's in it," Gwen says, without flinching. Damn her super hearing echolocation bullshit. Gwen turns around and blanches.

"Put some pants on." Alice detects a chance to be annoying.

"Ohh? Feeling shy, Gwennie? Haven't seen this much of a woman's skin in awhile?"

Gwen pointedly turns off the stove.

"Showing so much skin...you wouldn't want to tempt me, would you?" She bares her teeth.

Alice steps back. The joke sours on her tongue.

"So scared," Gwen says with a smirk. She plates the fish.

"Oh, excuse me for wanting to keep being alive." Alice throws up her hands in exasperation.

"Don't bite back. That's my thing."

She wanders back into Gwen's room for a pair of joggers. Somehow, each pair is loose at the hips and too short. She gives up and chooses the least offensive pair.

When she walks back in, Gwen has put the fish and chips on her coffee table and has poured her a glass of iced Ribena.

"I'm going to wash up."

Alice sits down and flicks the channel to some random trash TV. She's starting to get kinda pissed at how good all the food tastes. Maybe being scared out of her skin was worth it. It definitely wasn't, but now it's teetering on a "no" rather than a "hard no." After she finishes eating, she messes around on her phone and the TV until she gets hungry again. Around the time she starts feeling hungry, she realizes Gwen has been making dinner and is almost done. It smells hearty and comforting. She goes to peek over Gwen's shoulder to see what's on the menu this time. Bangers and mash it seems.

"Can you pour yourself a glass of water? You need to be hydrated. Those ones on the rack are dry. Get some utensils too while you're at it," Gwen instructs her without looking up.

Her creeping dread boils to the surface again. That's what this is heading to, isn't it? At least she's aware this time, but she hadn't been thinking about it. She pours herself a glass of water, staring at nothing. What if Gwen kills her this time? Had she been buttering Alice up, stuffing her full of good food to make sure she's extra nutritious for her big kill? Did her blood taste bad before? She sits down and Gwen brings over her plate. Gwen sits opposite her. She looks into Gwen's eyes and notices the poorly concealed hunger in her stare. What if Gwen kills her next time? What if each time Gwen feeds on her feels the exact same up until the time she finally decides to kill her?

Alice eats her food slowly, savoring it like it's her last meal. Gwen does nothing but watch. She finishes and hands Gwen her dishes. Gwen puts them in the sink and doesn't wash them. Alice sees her grab a bottle of orange juice, a few packs of digestive biscuits, and some bandaids. She sets them on her coffee table.

"Sit. It's easier that way."

Alice plops down and stretches her legs out on the sofa. Might as well get comfortable, she thinks, though her erratic heartbeat thrashing against her chest says otherwise. Gwen squeezes in next to her, their hips touching.

"Now, hand or chest? We could also do the neck again," Gwen says as if she's talking about something as casual as the weather. A flash of Gwen ripping into her neck burns into her mind like an afterimage.

"No!" Alice immediately protests. "Hand. Hand is fine."

"Okay," Gwen says. She takes Alice's wrist and flips it over. "Okay?"

"Yeah," Alice manages to squeak out. Gwen gives her a look.

"Let me tell you what's going to happen. This is going to take around five minutes. If you feel a little weird, that's normal. I'd recommend you do some breathing exercises to make sure you don't faint, but these exercises are useless if you start having a panic attack. It's a hassle for both of us if you don't tell me. We'll have to start over, and you'll have to stay here even longer. If everything goes well, you can leave after you eat and drink. If you have any questions, ask them now. You'll be nonsensical while feeding, and I won't want to talk."

Gwen pauses to let her speak. Alice shakes her head.

"Take deep breaths and stop me if you're having a panic attack. Otherwise, relax. I'm going to be biting into the base of your thumb. You can look if you want, but it may be less stressful if you don't."

"Okay," Alice says. Her vocabulary has dwindled into various gestures and sounds of agreement. Great.

"I'm going to start now."

Alice nods, a jerky, stilted motion. She doesn't want to squeak again.

Gwen brings Alice's arm closer to her and uses her other hand to support Alice's elbow. She leans in, maintaining eye contact with Alice, silently asking if she's okay. Alice goes rigid, but she doesn't run. She only watches. Gwen continues to stare up at her as she latches onto the squishiest part of the hand. Alice knows what's coming. Gwen bites.

It doesn't hurt as much as the first time. There's an obvious joke there, but Alice is so tensed up she's forgotten to breathe. A few moments pass, and all the air comes out in one big exhale which causes Gwen to blink rapidly. She's struck by how much it stings compared to the savage bombardment of pain that tore into her neck. It's prickly like a tattoo and achy numb like getting blood drawn. All of her nerves stand on end, and every molecule in her hand sings. And Gwen has been looking at her this whole time.

She's exposed, unable to hide under layers of irony. Her body reacts in the way that it does. She can't stop it. The wound on her neck throbs.

Gwen pulls away, a string of blood mixed with saliva breaking where they were connected.

"Your pulse is beating so loud I can taste it."

Alice swallows. Apparently, that's code for "I'm stopping now." Gwen starts wrapping up the bite and says she should eat and drink. Alice pours orange juice into her empty water glass. She struggles to rip the pack of biscuits open with one hand. As she eats and drinks, Gwen explains that she should start taking iron supplements. Her blood doesn't taste low in iron, but if she starts taking it from her more frequently, she'll have to start taking supplements. Alice feels herself nod her head.

Blood rushes behind her ears, drowning out Gwen's lecturing. Alice's eyes bore into Gwen's lips. They're shiny, sticky, and red. She hasn't licked her lips, so Alice's blood coats her mouth. It's as if she's eaten a fresh fruit, and it's gushed over her lips and down her chin. As she's ranting, a drop of blood drips onto her couch. She keeps going. Alice can't hear any of it anymore. Her blood is the same color as a red delicious. In Gwen's grasp, she feels plucked and ripe.

Notes:

it's been a HOT minute *checks watch* ...four months? ahaha. let's go down the list...

november/december: wicked and moana holiday hell at the theatre
january: i started a new job!
february: faced the consequences of working two jobs.

i can't say i'll upload consistently, but by god i'll come back to this, even if it takes forever. i love you dyehard

Chapter 4: Got me wrapped around you, got me lying at your feet

Summary:

The next feeding. Surviving is a balancing act. Living is even harder.

Notes:

chapter title: lyrics from "drain me!" by towa bird

The door to Gwen's well-worn flat clicks shut behind Alice. She stumbles home, detached and dissociating, like a dazed specter. The cab drops her off. She ends up at the door to her home. Before she can float away, she looks down at her bandaged hand. The gauze is spotless. She presses her thumb into the wound and watches as it blooms like a drop of paint into water. The pain jolts her out of her trance, yanking her back down to earth. She becomes hyperaware of her breath, her warmth, her blood—how startlingly alive she is. God, what is wrong with her?

Alice rushes inside, in a hurry to flop onto her unmade bed. She faceplants onto her pillow and kicks off her shoes. Her thoughts begin to collect and spin in the darkness of her room. She turns over to stare up at her ceiling and runs a hand through her hair.

She hasn't been that vulnerable with someone in a very long time. Really ever, come to think of it. Even the last time she had sex wasn't that intimate, and there IS something sexual about this. She exposed herself completely to Gwen. Maybe their clothes were still on, but her reactions weren't that far off. Oh god, why is she thinking about it like that? No, Gwen could've killed her, so no wonder her brain is riddled with weird and intrusive thoughts. Wires are getting crossed, like how people are attracted to feet because the brain mistakes them for being phallic. It's also probably some kind of coping and survival instinct. There's really no right way to react to getting fed upon. It's not something humans encountered out in the wild. It was either kill or be killed, not this liminal state between life and death, teetering on the edge of going either way. Her flight or fight constantly lights up while the socially trained part of her brain reels wondering what the hell Gwen is up to. She's the sustaining force of someone's undead life while simultaneously draining her own life. That's bound to mess her up. So whatever thoughts she has while being fed on or directly after, she can't take them seriously. They're animalistic reactions to being panicked and hurt. She can't unpack all of her feelings. She won't.

Alice sits upright, expecting about ten minutes to have passed, but it's more like a couple hours. Spent staring at her ceiling in the dark. Wondering why someone drinking her blood was maybe a little bit kinda sorta hot but in a primal monkey-brain way. Of course, that's not even mentioning the fact that her life is actually at stake here.

Let's take the monkey metaphor the whole way, she thinks. Hand me a goddamn mallet so I can hit myself on the head. She's almost a little grateful she has to go to work soon and can forget about all this.

And so she does. Her life continues like that, the same endless slog until the next feeding. It almost gives her some perspective on appreciating work because she could be always being chased by a bear instead. But now she has both. Pressing existential dread and mundanity. Work is like being chased by a slow bear anyway.

The day sneaks up behind her and taps her on the shoulder, but she doesn't flinch. She knows what to expect. She's prepared. She'll get fed all day, then she'll get fed on, eat some more, wait a bit, and then it's over. It'll be fine. It's gonna be exactly the same, and it's gonna keep being exactly the same. Why would Gwen hurt or kill her food source? It's not like a stereotypical predator-prey situation. But Alice has no idea what Gwen does outside of work. What if she has a lineup of other humans she feeds on? Would one person dying matter then? Is she replaceable? Or does Gwen need a steady flow of blood from a lot of different people?

What if Alice is the only one?

Gwen taps her on the shoulder. Alice flinches.

"Ready?"

Alice hops to her feet.

"Ready to steal your bed until breakfast."

"You know I need to sleep too, right?"

"Oh." She did not know that.

"I don't mind though. Do what you want." Alice opens her mouth to interject. "Just make sure it's inside my flat."

Of course, she thinks. Of course.

They arrive again at Gwen's cramped quaint little abode. After being polite enough to shake off her shoes, socks, and jacket, Alice falls onto Gwen's bed. A firmer mattress than Alice would prefer, but the plush antique quilt makes up for it. The bedroom door creaks open. Gwen scoffs.

"I thought you'd at least get changed first."

Alice turns over to see Gwen in the doorway holding a glass of water.

"I'm just enjoying your grandma blanket. It's so fluffy and soft."

"While getting all of your gross outside germs on my freshly washed sheets."

"Are you one of those people, Gwen? I'm on your quilt, not your sheets. That's way different than getting into your bed fully clothed."

She rolls her eyes.

"I'm not 'people.' And even then, I still have standards."

Alice groans and sits up to yank off her shirt.

"There." She drops her skirt. "Are you happy?"

Gwen's eyes widen as she averts her gaze.

"You're insufferable." She slams the glass on her bedside table a little too hard before running out of the room.

Alice smirks. There's nothing like flustering Gwen. She can't even handle seeing Alice in her trousers. What a blushing maiden.

Except...

She wasn't blushing. She had no blood to blush with. Does that mean...?

Alice throws on some random oversized clothes and jumps into bed. Nope. She's not thinking about that. Sleep. Just go to sleep, goddamn you.

She wakes up assumedly a few hours later, smelling some sort of yummy something. She pops out of bed and floats over to the dining table on the smell like a cartoon character. Alice inhales the food and then beelines to Gwen's squishy leather couch. She sinks into it with a sigh.

"What now?" Gwen says from the kitchen.

"Well, usually I'd be recovering from a rancid hangover right now, still asleep. Then, I'd wake up, drag myself to some late brunch spot, hit another pub or rave, and start the process all over again."

"Is that why you're so bad with your caseload?"

"Um, ouch," she says, actually mildly offended. She was dramatizing her weekends a smidge in hopes of making Gwen feel guilty enough to let her go. But whatever. Seems like that's not happening.

"It's fine. You just need a better work-life balance. These off weekends will be good for you."

"Like you're one to talk. And you're zapping my life anyway," Alice mutters under her breath.

"What was that?" Gwen turns to face her, holding a sudsy knife.

"Nothing! Nothing. I'm just gonna put on some trash telly. You want in?"

"I never said I was going to stay."

"Oh." Alice thinks for a moment. "How are you going to keep track of me then?"

"I chipped you while you were sleeping," she says without missing a beat.

"WHAT THE HELL!?" Alice yells, frantically patting her face, neck, and arms. Gwen snorts.

"You really believe I'm capable of anything, don't you?"

"Oh, fuck off. You with all your stupid vampire powers of bullshit. How am I supposed to know?"

Gwen wipes her hands and takes a seat next to Alice.

"What are you watching?"

"Affection Paradise. It's this show where ten single people and five couples are whisked off to this beautiful island for a month where they can be flirty with whoever they want, as much as they want, whenever they want. They don't know who's dating who, and there's no such thing as cheating in 'paradise.' But no matter how shit TV is, it knows what it's doing, because they're all straight. So even if the show says you aren't technically cheating, everyone knows that's bullshit and they're all seconds away from fist fighting each other. It's awesome."

Gwen crinkles her nose in disdain.

"Sounds awful."

"Eh. You'll see."

Hours go by. Gwen is completely locked into the plot.

"I just want to shake all of these people and tell them that it doesn't have to be like this." Gwen cringes as another pathetic, weepy cheater graces the screen. "He told her they'd stick together the whole trip, then she goes to the bathroom for five minutes and his tongue is already fully lodged down some other girl's throat? Humiliating."

The minutes continue to tick by. Then she gasps at another revelation.

"So he's been trying out a rotation of nearly half the cast, and they're just, what, okay with that?"

"Gwen, all of these people are ego-tripping. Each of them think they're better than the rest, but they don't realize that nothing could beat out the male fantasy of getting with as many hot women you want AND getting away with it."

Gwen gets up but doesn't move, eyes glued to the TV. She even crosses her hands behind her back like a dad.

"A hundred years ago women were fighting for suffrage. Now they're getting publicly lambasted for sport. This is ridiculous."

Alice sprawls herself over the new space freed up.

"Women get to choose how stupid they want to be now. You're telling me that's not feminism?"

Gwen turns around to glare at her.

"They all have to have social media. Don't they know it never works out?" She trails off and starts muttering to herself.

Alice's stomach growls.

"Gweeen...I'm hungryyy..."

"It's just so stupid..." She whispers, not looking away from the screen for a second.

"Gweeeennn... Gwen. Gwen!"

"BWAH!" She shouts and instinctively launches the remote at Alice's face.

Alice, being the virgin human to Gwen's chad vampire, does not react in time. In fact, she doesn't even know what's hit her until she picks it up and drips blood onto it. Her world spins with bright pain.

"Oh. Oh my god. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to—"

Gwen notices the trickle of blood running down her lips and off her chin. She gets this odd look in her eye that Alice can't parse through the sudden throbs of pain. Gwen moves in closer, unable to take her eyes off of her. She reaches a shaking thumb toward her nose, tries to wipe away the trail, but smears a streak of blood across her cheek. She stops and jerks her hand away, gazing at it in horror.

"No, wait, what was I about to do? Oh god, that's disgusting!"

Though it feels like someone has taken Alice's head and hit it against a wall a few times, she still is sensible enough to think: how would a little lick of that be worse than drinking from a gaping wound?

Gwen rushes to get an ice pack and some tissues.

"Here. Lean forward."

Everything is pain, but the ice feels like a soft balm, and it's probably good to not be dripping blood on Gwen's rug anymore. Then Gwen delicately pokes at her nose. She fights the urge to pancake on the floor and pass out.

"Seems like it's not broken. That's a relief." She sighs. "Is there anything else you want?" The concern in her eyes seems genuine.

"Fooood." It hurts to talk, and she's sure it'll hurt to eat, but she's dying over here.

"Oh. Oh! That's right! How could I forget that?" Gwen quickly gets to work.

The day continues on trouble free after that. Affection Paradise. Lunch. Nap. More Affection Paradise. Then...

Alice finishes her dinner. After an appropriately lazy day, she feels much better. Her nose has stopped bleeding, and the pain is now a dull thrum. She was wondering how her nose didn't break since she bled all over the place. Gwen explained to her that there are a lot of blood vessels in the nose that can be easily broken.

...she's been dealing with blood a lot more than she's ever wanted to recently.

Gwen sits on the couch and turns off the TV. Her coffee table is equipped with all the feeding staples: water, juice, digestive biscuits, crackers, plasters, gauze, and other types of first aid. She stares at Alice with a look Alice has started to become very familiar with: hunger. She pats the empty space on the couch next to her without saying a word. Alice gets up to put her dishes in the sink and meanders over to the couch, sitting down with a fwump.

"Where do you want it tonight?"

"What, no fanfare? Not gonna butter me up? Take me to dinner first?"

Gwen cocks her head. "I made you dinner, didn't I?"

Alice gulps. "Oh yeah, right." She'll never get used to this, will she?

"Would you prefer something around the neck or shoulders? It'll be easier to cover up that way."

Their first feeding flashes in her mind. Being pinned against a brick wall. Her skin being gouged into. The scalding pain. Her blood spurting, messy and uncontrollable. All because Gwen couldn't hold back. She shudders.

It's different now. And if it's different, she should just get it over with. She only has so much skin. She'll have to reuse all of it again at some point.

"...yeah that's fine. You can go for the dip between my neck and shoulder."

"Okay, that works."

Then Gwen studies her for a moment. She huffs.

"What?"

"Your hair is in the way. And so is my shirt."

"Guess I should take it off then."

"And put on a tank top."

"Which you totally have."

Gwen shifts in her seat.

"...it's not my fault when I bought my wardrobe those hadn't been invented yet."

"There's no way all of your clothes are from a century ago. They'd be dust at this point."

"Okay, fine, whatever. I don't have anything that would help. Happy?"

"Very. Good thing you don't still have a twentieth century mindset, right?"

Gwen glowers at her.

"Just take off the damn shirt, you smug bastard."

"Oh my, how forward! I'm practically blushing."

Alice pulls her shirt over her head with a shit-eating grin. Her heart beats a little faster.

"Weeelll?"

"Are you ready? Do you need anything?"

Reality settles back in. She's not fucking with her uptight coworker, she's...no, never mind. Better not think about it.

"For you to get this over with," Alice quips.

"I'll just hold your hair back," Gwen mumbles.

She gently gathers Alice's hair in her left hand, tucking it over her shoulder. Her hand grazes Alice's bra strap. Gwen pauses.

"Wh-What?" Alice manages to stammer out.

Her fingers trace over the wound on Alice's neck again. It's now a scar, an inescapable mark that Gwen has given her. The same as her hand, and the same as her shoulder will be. She swallows and then realizes Gwen can feel her throat move. Her skin prickles with sudden sweat. She tries to make eye contact with Gwen in a silent plea, but she's too busy burning a hole into Alice's neck.

This goes on for a few moments too long. Eventually, Gwen snaps out of her trance.

"Sorry."

Then, she bites.

It hurts, of course. How could it not? But, she knows the pain. She knows what to expect now, so she can prepare herself. Once she's gotten bit all over her body, there will be nothing else for her to fear. It'll be a matter of compartmentalizing then. Not really the most comforting thought, but it does help. Maybe if she gets bit enough she can take up knitting to pass the time. Heh. That's funny.

Now that she's familiarized herself with the feeling, she can recognize the other sensation she's been feeling each time without realizing it: Gwen's tongue. It's thin and kind of small. Ironic considering it's been slurping up the very essence of her being. Out of curiosity, she looked up what properties bat saliva has. According to Google, it prevents blood clots which allows blood to flow easier. It's got a special protein in it called Draculin. This protein is in process of being developed for various medical usages like for strokes or heart problems. It was a pretty interesting read. Who knew?

But, no matter how used to feeding she gets, she still hates looking at it. It's like looking at a needle going into your arm. So this time, she's glad she physically can't look at it, even if morbid curiosity gets the best of her. That's one of the perks of getting bit closer to her face.

After a few minutes, Gwen slows down, lapping up the last dripping pearls of blood. She's starting to get the rhythm of when Gwen is about to finish, but then—

One of Gwen's canines snags on the open wound, and in the process of trying to pull back, Alice's skin rips. White hot agony blazes through her.

It's not like the purposeful gouge. There's a tear in her neck. It's so clean and buttery, like Gwen's fang is a new pair of scissors, and she's a crisp piece of paper. Her tooth just glided. Alice bites down a scream. That'll only make things worse.

Gwen unhooks the fang. She assesses the damage, looking mildly embarrassed. Alice's heart punches against her chest. How dare she be so calm?

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Let me just..." She wipes up the extra rivulet of blood, looking a little disappointed. Then, she starts her usual process of cleaning, disinfecting, and bandaging. Alice's eyes bore into Gwen's unbothered expression.

The fear sticks with her, lingering like the smell of blood and isopropyl, throbbing like the small nick in her skin.

"Calm down," Gwen says, trying to comfort her. "I can hear your heart racing. It's okay. That was just an accident. I won't hurt you."

This does nothing to quell her spiraling. It only mixes a little bit of self consciousness in with it.

"Come on, drink some juice, have a biscuit. Then you can get out of here, alright?"

Alice nods numbly. She unwraps the biscuit and nibbles on the corner.

"You know that's not enough. Eat the whole thing, drink the whole glass, wait a few minutes, then you can leave."

She sighs and does as she's told. The minutes drag by.

"Good. Seems like you're not going to pass out, so you can head home. See you tonight."

Alice can't even think of a good riff to follow up with. She puts on her shoes.

"...bye." She croaks out.

Alice runs outside and slams the door behind her, slumping against it. She slides down the creaking wood until she's sitting with her head in between her knees. The thoughts snowball out of control. Her breaths come in short gasps.

Gwen could kill her without even meaning to. Bite into her thin skin, and then tear and tear and tear. Rip her open with no effort. Spill her insides. Let her blood gush onto her vintage rug. It would be so easy.

She thinks back to their deal. There was nothing in their "agreement" about accidents. So, each feeding, leading up to the one where she inevitably dies, will feel the same as the last. Entirely monotonous, up until that final, horrible tear, filled with a kind of burning forced to consume her whole. It would be just an accident. She swallows a harsh breath that gets stuck in her throat.

"Calm down," she hears Gwen say. "I can hear your heart racing." It hammers against her ribcage, trying to break out. "It's okay." It's fucking not. "That was just an accident." No it wasn't.

"I won't hurt you."

Gwen smiles at her. When has Alice ever seen her smile?

Then

She

Opens

Her

Mouth—

The door to Gwen's flat opens behind Alice, and she falls back, hitting her head on hard tile.

"OW!" She yelps.

In a daze, Alice peers up at Gwen who looks at her with concern.

"...have you been here the whole time?"

"Wh-huh?" Alice says, intelligently.

"It's time for work. Since you decided to sleep out here tonight because I didn't make sure you made it home," she says with disgust, "I feel obligated to make sure you actually get to work."

"Ughhh..." Alice groans.

"Come on." Gwen holds out a hand for her. She hesitates before accepting it. It's lukewarm. "You're so weird," she says.

Alice gapes at her, aghast.

"Fucking excuse me?"

Gwen raises an eyebrow at her.

"No, never mind, we're not getting into this. We're gonna be late. Chop chop, Alice."

Gwen shuts the door behind her, walking ahead of Alice. Alice stares at her hand, the sensation of Gwen's not quite dead but not quite alive grasp lingering on her skin.

God.

She is so fucked.

Notes:

...hey guys! it sure has been... *looks at calendar* SIX MONTHS? great googly moogly!

welp. i guess i have a variety of good excuses, but not really. for the most part, i was incredibly stressed and burnt out because of working two jobs, and that led to many months going by without any progress. the chapter you just read was written entirely in the last month. awesome sauce!

to keep adding on, i'll cook up another laundry list of life problems. let's see...toward the beginning of a summery month, due to a geographically ambiguous storm, i lost one of my jobs. but, two days later, i got my license! and, over these six months, two of my cats have died. i've been having a bit of a rough time, but i've also never been better. funny how that works! and so!! vampire dyehard!! it feels good to be creative to fight back against feeling overworked and burnt out! i've been working less hours at my main job recently, but my other job is supposed to open back up next week, so who knows what that's gonna do to my already nonexistent writing schedule. anyways, i will see you all in the next chapter, hopefully much sooner! i think i'm finding my footing in this story!!

(also, did you guys listen to that new episode!?!?! nuts!! i'm really excited to see how episode 50 shakes out...eee!!)