Chapter Text
As soon as I turned 18, my parents kicked me out. I came out just a year before, and our relationship was already strained. Without a job, and barely any money to my name, I took a risk and spent the last of it on a bus to where my sister Erika lived. Or at least, where I knew she lived last.
Hours later and bleary eyed, my fist hovered above the door. Does she live here anymore? Is she even awake this late into the night? …will she even let me in…will she accept me? With all these thoughts, my sleep-addled eyes misted up. Before I could make up my mind the door swung open to reveal the most gorgeous woman I had ever laid eyes on.
“Sorry but who are you to be at my door at this time of night?” The towering figure demanded. Slowly recognition sparked behind the tall woman's eyes.
“Wait, Haden?” my sister Erika asked softly.
“Um, kind of” I stuttered out, flinching at that name.
“Stars I barely recognize you, you look wow, really pretty. What are you doing here at this time of night? Do mum and dad know you're here?”
“They kicked me out,” I admitted, my voice faltering. “And I um, I’m going by Violet now and they didn’t take it well.”
My heart beat so hard, terrified of how she might act or respond. I looked to my feet, trying to push back the tears that were starting to form. Erika immediately wrapped me up in a hug.
“Sweetheart! I’m so, so sorry,” she said, the contact of the hug making me feel a level of security I wasn’t used to.
“Please come in, I don’t have a spare bed but you can sleep on the couch for as long as you need, okay?” She broke off the hug leaving me with an unexpected longing as she led me inside.
I sat down on her couch as my sister went to the kitchen. Her house was just as cozy as I last remembered; a small place so lovingly decorated. Pride flags and other queer iconography stood out, something she must have put up after she cut contact with our parents. I remember the day it happened, they were livid. They seemed unable to comprehend the fact that they weren't loved, despite their actions towards us.
As I nervously fidgeted on the couch, Erika started talking from the other room.
“I can’t believe they just kicked you out,” she said, entering the room with two mugs in her hands. “They weren't the best parents, but to be so heartless. Anyways. I've got a hot chocolate for you sis”
Being called sis made my heart flip in my chest from pure euphoria. Being affirmed by someone I really cared about was a new feeling to me. It shocked me so much I didn’t even process what she had said until a second later. I gratefully took a mug from her, mumbling thanks.
“Thank you for letting me stay. I promise I won't be here long, I’ll try to find a place a-and a job and pay you back as soon as I can…” I trailed off, not knowing where or how to accomplish any of that work.
“Sis, I promise, I'd rather you be staying here than finding somewhere on your own. And I'm not going to ask for money. I love you, providing a place for you to be happy and safe is all that matters to me right now,” she replied in a stern but caring tone, tightly squeezing me in a hug.
Tears threatened to well up in my eyes once more. This love was something I had not felt since I saw my sister last and… I didn't think she’d still care about me this way.
After we emptied our drinks Erika stood up.
“Now, it's getting late and i'm working tomorrow, would you like me to get the couch set up for you to sleep in? I know it's not the most comfy bu-”
“Can I sleep in bed with you?” I blurted out before I knew it, the request quickly turning my face flush.
“Oh! Uh, why not?” she answered my interruption warmly. “Just like when we were kids...” she finished with a chuckle.
Walking into her room I was quickly drawn to the piles of plushies and other soft items in various methods of disarray. Erika quickly walked past me and nudged a box of odd items under the bed. The room was cramped and the amount of stuff packed in was overwhelming, but at the same time, loved and lived in. I didn’t feel like I could comment on the state of the room anyway, my old room back ‘home’ wasn’t any better.
“Sorry for the mess, I haven't had a reason to keep it tidy” she explained bashfully. We quickly got into bed, my stress having melted away leaving nothing but exhaustion in its wake led me to fall asleep almost instantly.
I woke to birdsong, golden rays and strong arms holding me gently. The dream felt so peaceful and special. Until I heard stirring, and realized where I was. Erika had started spooning me in our sleep. I slowly turned around, not wanting to wake my sister, and nuzzled into her arms even more. It was indulgent, but my reservation of boundaries hadn’t woken up yet, and her touch comforted me enough to silence those thoughts. I lay in her arms until after a while I heard her waking.
Groggy from sleep, she spoke, her voice gravelly.
“Morning gorgeous”
Her hands began to feel at my chest. Heat rushed to my face immediately. Had she thought I was a partner? The confusion only increased tenfold when I felt the heat flare in other places. I quickly tried to quash that line of thinking, at least, stem it while I was in front of my sister.
“Um, Erika?” I finally managed to get out.
“Oh gosh Violet, I'm so sorry,” She said, jolting upright, breaking off the cuddle. “I thought you were someone else for a moment.”
“No um it’s okay,” I struggled to process the rush of feeling in that moment. Was I disappointed that she’d stopped?
“Uh, so, what do you want for breakfast?” she said, changing the subject. “I’ve gotta leave in… ten minutes?!” Erika swore and checked her phone. “Oh I’m so sorry Violet I didn’t set my alarm, I need to get ready. Will you be okay while I'm gone?” she asked, giving me a concerned look.
“I think so?” I cautiously replied. “Do you need me to do anything while you're gone?”
“Oh no need at all, dont worry about it.” Erika started walking over to the dresser, “Is it okay if I change?”
“Sure?” I said as she took her top off and exposed her incredibly muscular back. Heat rushed to my cheeks. “I-I’ll go make breakfast if that's okay.” I dashed out the door before she could reply..
“Sure!” she then added brightly, “I usually get food on the way so don't worry about me, just help yourself.”
As I made my way into the kitchen my head spun with thoughts of my sister. Shit this felt like a crush just like before. I had ruled it out as wanting to be as feminine as her, but it came back, so much stronger. A crush on my sister. A crush on my own flesh and blood. I felt so gross and disgusting. Lost in my own head I didn’t even realize that Erika had walked in the room.
“See you later, okay sis?” She said as she gave me a small kiss on the forehead. My heart started fluttering and for a second I got lost in bliss, long enough to miss her leaving the house.
It wasn’t that I liked her, right? Was it her being supportive? Or just because I hadn’t felt much physical contact? My attempts to rationalize it were in vain. I spent the rest of the day thinking of her; her face, her soft skin, how athletic her frame was. And how wrong it was, my brain tearing itself apart from the conflict.
Any attempts at distraction failed, my mind naturally went to her. I started reading to pass the time, but each love interest I read about kept having her face, her charms in my mind's eye. I was completely and thoroughly cooked.
The hours dwindled and as I sat looking through the window watching day turn to dusk, Erika barged through the door with a massive grin on her face.
“Heya sis!” she said, plopping down on the couch next to me. “Were you okay on your own?” I stared, dumbstruck, until she started looking concerned.
“Huh? S-sorry what did you say?” I quickly scrambled to keep up.
“Just asking if you missed me. " She paused, then added, “Is everything okay?”
Trying to swallow the spark of joy that her closeness kindled, I just nodded to her.
“Hey Violet,” she said as she moved closer, putting a hand on my thigh. “You know, it's okay, if you aren't doing well. Everything’s been a lot for you, and it's okay to be upset. I hope you know I won’t judge you for any of your feelings.”
Her face was so close to my own. Alongside her touch, it was inevitable what would happen next. My brain and mouth refused to let me form any of the words I needed to say, leading to unintelligible noises. Erika leaned in to give me a hug. At that moment she realized what I had not, a tenting in my skirt.
“Oh Violet…” she said gently. Before another word could escape her lips I dashed to her room, slamming the door shut then collapsing in a heap.
Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck. I didn’t want to believe that happened, that she’d seen, how she must hate me from that, the disappointment in her voice after she noticed. I had fucked up again. Tears streaked down my face, stinging my eyes. I lay there, head down in her pillow thinking of all the things she’d say to me, how I’d be kicked out for the second time in just as many days. As I wallowed, the oppressive dread beating down on me, I heard Erika at the door.
“Violet, Can we talk? I just want to help, okay?” Her voice beckoned from beyond the closed door. “I’m going to be coming in now”
I froze. I didn’t want to hear what I knew was coming, I didn’t want her to hate me, I didn’t mean to cause all of this. I was so sorry I just wanted a place to stay for awhile, but it was all screwed up. Despite all of my bracing from what I thought I knew would come next, I couldn’t have been prepared.I felt her hand on the small of my back.
“Look, I don’t fully understand what’s going on. But you can talk to me baby, I would never judge you.” My thoughts churned. Did she not understand? Did she not notice? Why was she so understanding? I wanted to yell, out of confusion more than anger, but all I managed were coarse sobs.
“It’s okay, It’s all okay sis,” she cooed. "I'm here for you okay?”
Her gentle soothing voice just caused me more distress. Did she not understand the freak, the monster I was? Why did all of this hurt so much?
“I’m sorry, i'm so sorry, im sorry,,,,” I managed to choke out.
“Sweetheart you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s normal okay?”
“No!” I shouted, finally finding my voice “It’s not okay! I, I love you Erika!”She tilted her head in confusion.
“I mean, I love you too Violet? You know that right?”
“No you don’t understand, I’m a freak! I love you.”
“Oh? Oh. Honey, I-” she hesitated, I saw the conflict on her face, something she couldn’t say.
“See! I’m disgusting! Horrible!” I half screamed, half sobbed.
“Violet.” Erika grabbed me and looked into my eyes with a sudden intensity. “You aren’t any of those things, I-” she hesitated once again, but seeing the anguish on my face continued. “I, I love you too. So much.” She pulled me in and pressed her lips to my own.
Suddenly every thought, doubt, conflict and worry was silenced. Her presence, warmth, her lips were electric. It was as if every sense of longing was fullied, every tragedy resolved. In that kiss her tongue entered me, and mine her. It was sanctuary and It was unity and it felt like it lasted eternity. And when eternity had passed, I felt content.
“Sis… I’ve always wanted that”
I was at a loss for words. So many thoughts and desires, and finally the love I’ve wanted, needed being given? What words could sum that up? So I buried my face into her side, hugging her as tightly as I could.
An unknowable amount of time passed, for we did not need to keep track of time. We had each other, in our embrace time was meaningless. We were safe, we were loved. In that embrace we were akin to both single-celled organisms, wanting naught but sustenance, and we were sustained by each other; but also higher beings, above such base needs where our love itself became something higher than. But eventually our embrace ended, and we became her and I .
“...Hey, Violet…” Erika finally said. “Was that okay? Are you okay?” She said cautiously.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice trembling. “Maybe I shouldn’t have involved you.”
“No no. I, I like you a lot. I wanted that” She took my hands into her own. “Okay?”
Overwhelmed by love and anxiety I just started crying.
“I love you Erika, so much” She held me in her strong protective embrace
“Me too sis, forever.”