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Laurent doesn’t know why he feels like this. When Damen came along and opened his eyes to what sex should really be like, he’d thought that maybe, just maybe, he’d been fixed. Like everything that had happened in the past was magically okay, and sex was suddenly a constant desirable thing that he craved.
The desperation and adrenaline of battle meant that Laurent had wanted Damen whenever he could get him. He didn’t know if he was going to survive, and he wanted to experience as much with Damen as he could. But now they have kingdoms to rule and problems to solve and policy to form. Laurent found his sex drive lowering significantly.
It wasn’t that he didn’t desire Damen anymore. No, he felt his desire for him grow almost every day. But sometimes, Laurent felt repulsed to act on it. It didn’t feel right. He just didn’t want to have sex, no matter how attracted to Damen he was. No matter how much he loved him.
Usually, he could avoid it. Find some excuse, usually some sort of administerial duty, that he could use to avoid Damen’s advances. It had worked for a short time, but Damen knows him far too well to completely ignore it. He can’t keep it up forever.
This time, as he walked to his chambers hand in hand with Damen, there was no way out. He had already committed to going to bed with him, and he had already used every excuse under the sun by now. He can’t avoid the inevitable any longer.
As soon as they entered the bed chambers, Laurent made for his side of the room, fiddling with his drawers and clothes. Behind him, he could hear Damen telling the servants to leave. Predictably, Damen encircled his arms around Laurent’s body.
“I love you,” said Damen, pressing feather light kisses to Laurent’s neck.
It’s everything that Laurent likes; soft touches and sweet nothings expertly trained to coax pleasure from him. But as much as he tried to relax, to let go, to only think about Damen - he couldn’t. He just didn’t want to have sex.
Without a word, Laurent pulled away, further cornering himself into the edges of the room. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he remembered that cornering yourself means no escape. He silently wondered to himself why he felt the need to ruin his escape, time and time again.
“Laurent?”
He turned to the nearest wall and braced himself.
“Laurent?” Damen stepped closer. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
“Get it over with,” said Laurent, voice croaking in pain. He doesn’t want to do this. He doesn’t want to do this. “Just… be gentle.”
“Laurent,” Damen said simply, “do you want to have sex?”
Laurent willed himself the courage. He scrunched his eyes and tried his hardest to gather whatever desire was left in his body, but he just couldn’t.
“No.”
He can hear Damen take a shocked breath.
This is it. This is the moment he finds you undesirable. This is the moment he leaves you and-
“Laurent… you know I would never… I would never force you into anything… I would never touch you if you didn’t want me to. You know that, right?”
But Laurent doesn’t know, because before Damen, all he’s ever had is abuse.
“I’m sorry,” said Laurent, turning to face Damen. “This is one thing I’m not good at talking about.”
He can see Damen’s face relax, his eyes calling out to him, like simply seeing Laurent is more than enough for him. He extended his hand with slow caution. “Can I hug you? Just hug you...”
It was such a simple question for such a simple action, but it meant the world to Laurent, who nodded vigorously before launching himself into Damen’s arms. Damen’s hands rested between his shoulder blades and nowhere else, exactly how Laurent wanted it. He couldn’t be happier as he clung to the warmth of his love.
“I’m not like this all the time,” Laurent later explained, when they had moved their cuddle to the bed, a mess of tangled limbs and sheets. “Just sometimes… I don’t know, I’m not in the mood. Other times, I’m very much in the mood. I don’t know… it’s confusing...”
“Don’t think about it too much,” murmured Damen. “Sometimes you like sex, sometimes you don’t. It makes sense to me.”
“I love you,” said Laurent, honestly and truthfully. He doesn’t say it often enough, but right now it feels appropriate. “You are… the most amazing man.”
Damen took Laurent’s hand and kissed his knuckles with a light graze, the way a suitor might when courting a desired. Laurent blushed, even from such a simple gesture. “I love you too.”