Chapter Text
The thing about having an image and maintaining that image… was that he had to keep that image, despite how he felt.
Sirius looked up to him, he thought he was so cool and amazing. Remus needed his support, he was shy and weak and fragile and scared and needed someone with strength of character to keep him in check. And Peter was insecure and little, and thought he had all the answers in the world.
Which meant James didn’t really have time to be… weak. Not around them.
It was strange when he started to see Regulus, because Regulus was nothing like Sirius and yet they were pretty much the same person in different skins. He was stubborn, he was decisive, but he was cunning and very smart, where Sirius was loyal and incredibly stupid. Regulus calculated every move, and Sirius jumped before anyone could stop him.
But Regulus didn’t think the world of him. Quite the opposite in fact, he thought James was incredibly self centred, that the reputation he upheld was stupid at best and damaging at worst, and he much rather see the version of James he knew than the one he presented for others, especially his friends, who should be the ones to see him who he really was.
All reasons as to why, after what happened, he didn’t rush to the Gryffindor’s common room, instead heading to the Slytherin’s, keeping his breathing slow and steady as he forced himself not to cry, feeling absolutely disgusting as he rushed through he dungeon’s hallways.
It was always so cold down here!
He was trembling by the time he arrived at the door. Only to be faced by the large empty wall and being reminded he didn’t fucking know the password to it.
Fuck .
His eyes began to tear up and he closed them tightly. Fuck fuck fuck! He wanted to talk to Regulus, it was… what? Midnight? One? He didn’t even fucking know, he just had to talk to Regulus and he was probably in his dorm asleep or reading or practicing spells or whatever he did when he was in his dorm and James couldn’t get inside! He couldn’t get inside and he dug his nails into his arms, trembling. Damned Slughorn! Damned Evans for inviting him as her pair just so she wouldn’t go alone! Damned Regulus for not giving a fuck about potions and not being invited to the party! Damn them all!
When he opened his eyes, his vision was blurry from tears, and he covered his eyes before rushing behind a pillar and leaning against it as he rubbed his eyes, trying to get the tears to stop, his glasses moving up and down his nose and forehead as he angrily rubbed his cheeks.
He didn’t think he would be able to go back to his dorm tonight. No, no, Padfoot would ask questions, Loony would see right through him. No, he had to find Regulus… Regulus would know what to do.
It was ridiculous that he needed help from a fifth year in something so absurdly… absurd, but he did. He did, he needed his help.
James heard steps coming through the hallway, and immediately covered his mouth not to make any noise as he looked over, a few tears still sliding down his face. That was when he remembered, Severus! He was at the party! He could help him!
He heard rushed voices and he immediately knew who it was. Lily and Severus, coming back together from the party, probably going to chat or make out or whatever they did, he didn’t care. All he cared about was that he had someone to help him get to Regulus. He cleaned his face up, put on his best smirk and stepped from behind the pillar, grinning when he heard Lily’s gasp.
“James! What are you doing here?” she asked, confused and suspicious while Severus just stared at him, unimpressed.
“Isn’t it obvious? He wants to talk to his boyfriend, of course” he said, raising his eyebrow, a hint of a smirk curling on his lips. James snorted, shaking his head slowly. His heart was pounding, he was so glad the dungeons were dark because he didn’t have to explain his puffy eyes.
“Technically we are not together, but yes, I did come to speak to Regulus. Could you… call him for me?” he asked, watching Severus. “I can work out a favour later…”
“I’ll collect that favour later, Potter” Severus said, before he let go of Lily’s hand and walked up to the door. “ Syreni. ”
The wall cracked and a passageway formed, Lily walking up to Severus while James watched it with relief. Just one moment closer to getting to Regulus.
“Mermaid?” Lily asked, and Severus shrugged.
“We don’t choose the passwords. Potter. Wait here. I’ll call him.”
“Sure thing Snape!” James said with a fake excited tone, and both Severus and Lily went inside the dorm room. He didn’t care, he didn’t like the Slytherin dorm room. He just wanted Regulus.
The walls closed again and he felt anxiety raising in his chest. It was so fucking easy to assume his character, but once alone again, the feelings returned and he held his arms in an attempt to make himself small. The hallway was so quiet. So empty. And yet he felt so fucking trapped.
What if Snape had been fucking with him? Well Lily was there, she wouldn’t let him do that, but what if Regulus was asleep? What if he didn’t want to come outside? What if he was busy?
He felt the tears rising again and the sensation of disgust returned to his stomach. He felt like he was going to throw up. Damn it, damn it all!
It felt like hours before the wall cracked and opened again, even though it had been probably just a few minutes. James’ eyes widened when he saw the smaller boy walking out with a concerned expression on his face that turned even more worried when he saw James, how he was holding himself, how he had tears in his eyes.
“James?” Regulus asked in a soft voice, he didn’t sound sleepy or tired, he had been studying, probably, or maybe reading some book. Whatever it was, James felt his chest untighten as he stared at him, and a small humming noise left his mouth.
“You should be asleep” he said, and Regulus’ worry turned into annoyance as he approached him.
“You were the one that asked Severus to call me, dumbass” he said, before he stepped into James’ personal space, annoyance leaving once more to be replaced with worry. “What’s wrong? Weren’t you at the party?”
James gave him a slow nod. He wiped his tears away with the suit’s sleeve and breathed deeply, shakily, before he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Regulus. The boy was stiff for a moment before holding James back, arms wrapping around his waist.
“Just needed to see you” James mumbled, and Regulus squeezed him tighter, chin resting on his shoulder.
“Bullcrap James” he whispered, rubbing his back ever so gently. “What’s wrong?”
James closed his eyes tightly, and let out a shaky sigh.
The astronomy tower was his favourite place to be, especially alone. He always felt at peace in the silence, watching the stars above. He didn’t go there as often as he would like, his friends didn’t enjoy it as much as he did.
But Regulus did. Regulus liked the astronomy tower.
They had been sitting in silence for quite some time watching the stars. It was late, but James didn’t feel tired or sleepy. He was hugging his legs close to his chest, and avoiding looking at Regulus even though he could feel the younger boy’s stare against his cheek.
“So… are we going to spend the night here or will you tell me what’s going on, James?”
Regulus’ voice was soft but demanding, and James knew they had a big day tomorrow. Both of them could use some sleep. He hated making Regulus suffer because of him.
It wasn’t… easy, for James Potter to ask for help.
If only there was another way…
His eyes widened. There was another way. How could he, quite literally, forget?! He didn’t have to deal with it, he could just ask Regulus to erase his memory! His chest lightened up at his idea, and he looked at Regulus, seeing how confused he looked.
“I don’t have to. Just obliviate this night for me, yeah?” he asked, and Regulus’ face showed even more confusion. “Make me forget and we will be set!”
“That’s… not how you should deal with your problems, James” Regulus said with a raised eyebrow, shaking his head. “I don’t think I should.”
“Well but if you do… then I won’t have to tell you and I won’t remember what is making me upset and it’s a win win” James smiled, moving closer to Regulus, holding his hand. “You can make up a memory for me, make me think I skipped the party and we spent all night here… that would solve all the issues!”
“James…” Regulus said in a warning tone, and James stared at him, squeezing his hand.
“Come on Reggie, like, do you really wanna keep listening to me babble and cry all night when we could just go back to sleep?”
He batted his eyes at Regulus, doing his best sad dog expression, and Regulus seemed to consider it for a moment. It was just a rouse, as Regulus hummed and shook his head.
“No. I won’t do it. You’ll have to tell me James. You already keep too much shit for yourself.”
James deflated, looking down to the ground and beginning to pull away, but Regulus held his hand tighter and reached out, cupping James’ cheek, lifting his head and looking into his eyes.
“What in Merlin’s name is going on James?” he asked, with concern and care, and James felt his chest tighten again and his eyes burn with tears he didn’t have. He stared at Regulus’ cold eyes, and swallowed hard.
“It’s just so… stupid, Reg…” he whispered, and Regulus shook his head.
“It’s clearly not when it’s affecting you so much. Tell me.”
James closed his eyes, took a shaky breath and leaned into his hand.
“Alright…”
The party had been doing just fine up until now. James wasn’t very used to the crowd of people at Slughorn’s parties, he wasn’t a good potion maker and he never wanted to be in all honesty, which made these types of parties even more boring. But Lily had asked him to come, since Severus was bringing someone else (one of his Slytherin friends that wanted favours from their teacher), so he came and decided to enjoy himself. Slughorn served some good food, the music was good, there was firewhiskey and wine to drink… It was cool.
By now Lily was already chatting with Severus, and no one really tried to talk to him, so he found himself a table, some firewhiskey and some snacks.
He was sure he was getting tipsy and drunk, but the party was so boring now. He had no one to talk to!
Until a lady came up and sat down with him. She was clearly not a student, too old to be one, and she wore a fancy dress and pearls around her neck and her eyes were piercing purple. James looked at her, his eyes widening at her beauty, and gave her a smile. A year ago he would be flirting all over her but now? Now he was way more settled.
“Why are you alone?” she asked, she had a thick French accent and she smiled at him softly. He smiled back, shrugging a bit.
“I’m just a guest… I’m not one of his top students, I don’t make the list” he said, taking yet another sip from his firewhiskey. She hummed in interest. “I’m more of a sports guy… really good at Quidditch you see…”
“Ah… a player…” she said, and something in her voice gave him a strange impression, but he nodded. “What is your name?”
“James. James Potter. And yours?”
“Marie.”
She did not say her last name, and she did not need to. As James took another sip of the whiskey, he felt his body getting heavy, and he groaned softly as he began to feel dizzy. It wasn’t firewhiskey dizzy, it was something else, and he looked down at the plate of snacks cursing whatever type of food Slughorn had served them. Probably something aphrodisiac, Lily always said he liked that kind of thing.
“Ssssorry I…” he mumbled, trying to look up at her again. “I don… feel… good…”
He felt like he was going to throw up and pass out at the same time.
He tried to stand, ready to look for Lily or Severus, when the world blacked out for a second. When he came to, he was leaning against someone, and when he looked up he saw Marie’s purple eyes, wide and worried, her hands firmly on his arms.
“Oh dear! You look unwell! Here, allow me to take you to the bathroom for some water” she said, and he let out a soft groan, nodding and leaning into her. Looking at her again, she seemed to be around his mother’s age, which was a comforting sign. She carefully led him to the bathroom, closing the door and resting him against the sink. “Here… let me put some cold water on your face…”
James groaned when he was let go, holding himself against the sink as he only felt worse and worse. She rubbed some water on his forehead and he sighed at the cold sensation, leaning into her hand, wanting more. She pulled away and then rubbed more cold water against his cheeks and chin, moving her wet fingers through his hair.
“Lily… my friend… she’s at the… the party…” he mumbled, he wanted to go back to his dorm and sleep this off, but Marie shushed him and rubbed more water over his exposed neck.
“Do not worry, James Potter. I’ll make sure you are feeling better in no time” she assured, putting some water on his nape and then beginning to open his suit.
He looked at her, his eyes almost closing, his stomach turning, as she did so. His hands squeezed the sink behind him and he felt her fingers quickly working on the coat’s buttons, then loosening his tie and last undoing the buttons on his shirt. Her fingers were still slightly wet, and he raised one hand to hold hers.
“W-what…” he mumbled, trying to get her to stop, but she simply placed his hand down on the sink again.
“Keep your balance… we need to cool you down, you seem to be having a fever.”
Marie’s voice was firm and certain but James didn’t feel like this was a fever. He felt drunk and dizzy and sick, and when she dropped water on his chest, he didn’t feel relief like he would if he had a fever. It didn’t help that she immediately placed her hands over his chest, pushing his shirt and coat away towards his arms, moving her palms and fingers over his skin and rubbing the water, spreading it around his pecs, his collarbones, his neck. He felt strange, weird, vulnerable. He didn’t want that strange woman touching him. As he focused his eyes on her face, her stare was directed to his naked chest, and she did not even try to pretend it wasn’t.
He still felt sick, he still felt strange, but he knew this wasn’t right.
“S-stop” he groaned, pushing himself off the sink and pushing her arms away, trying to pull his shirt and suit back to cover his chest. He lost his balance, still dizzy, and she caught him, pressing him against the sink again, this time letting their bodies flush together. Despite being older, she was just about his height, her breasts pressing against his chest under the dress she wore, her hands grabbing his wrists and pushing them back into the sink. He could feel against his left hand the hardness of a wand, unsure when she had grabbed it. All he knew was that she stared into his eyes and hummed.
“Do not be coy, James Potter. Horace told me all about you… a boy like you would not pass a chance like this…”
A boy like him?
A chance like this?
James stared up at her in confused shock, before their mouths clashed together. She pressed against him, pulling her hands away from his, and when he tried to move them he found they were stuck to the marble sink. She moved her mouth over his, pushed her tongue into the kiss, while he groaned and tried (and failed) to move, unable to pull his hands away, his legs beginning to tremble.
Her hands returned to his chest as she broke the kiss, breathing shakily against his mouth as he began to feel his thigh getting wet. She scratched his chest and stomach with her well made fingernails, and moaned as she began to use his leg as a toy, rubbing herself against him.
His eyes stared at her face with shock and fear and disgust, watching as she looked more and more entertained, eyes closed and mouth slightly open, small furrow on her eyebrows, cheeks flushed. She slid her hands down his stomach as she used his leg to pleasure herself, reaching his pants and stopping her movements just to open her eyes again, their eyes meeting.
“You are so, so lucky, James Potter… all because you are the prettiest boy in the room.”
He didn’t think she knew what pretty meant in english. Or maybe she did.
Her fingers undid his belt, unbuttoned his pants, and James felt his eyes beginning to tear up as his chest contracted, the sickness in his stomach only getting worse. He moved his hands, or tried to, but whatever spell she had used was fucking good because he couldn’t move a single centimeter. He also tried to move his legs but she held them still with her body.
“D-don’t… please…” he asked, his voice trembling and shaking, but she only stared at him with curiosity and lust.
“Do not worry little one. Marie will take care of you” she whispered, giving him a kiss on the cheek before she slid her hand down into his pants, grabbing him, wrapping her long fingers around his length.
James’ eyes snapped shut, and he whimpered as he felt her stroking him in time with her rubs against his leg. Tears began to flow down his cheeks but she didn’t seem to notice or care as she moaned, pressing them closer, leaning in and kissing his neck, doing an expert job of stroking him.
If only he fucking wanted it.
“I’m close, mon cheri…” she whispered after some time, moaning softly against his ear, teasing his earlobe. “Ah… you make me feel so good… mon chou…”
James had never learned French all his fucking life and now he was sure he didn’t to.
He could also feel his own pleasure coming up, and he hated it, he hated every second of it. The warm feeling in his tummy made him want to puke, her hand on his penis was wrong, it felt wrong, he wanted it away! But she didn’t pull away, she stroked him faster and with even more practice and he couldn’t help the choked out moan that came out of his mouth, followed by a sob as he came, getting his pants dirty with his cum.
She whined against his ear and came on his leg, he could feel the liquid being soaked up by his pants.
“Ah… ah… good boy…” she whispered, nuzzling against his ear and humming as James held himself together as much as he could, wanting to cry, wanting to beg. He didn’t. He bit his lip and kept his eyes closed.
He realised he wasn’t as dizzy and sick anymore… but he didn’t have time to think about that.
Suddenly his hands were released and he pulled away from her, pushing the woman as far away as he could and closing his shirt, suit and pants and rushing out of the room. His hands trembled as he reached for his wand, using a spell to clean himself up before he ran, ran out of the party, away from that woman, away from everyone.
Towards the dungeons.
“A-and here we are” he mumbled as he wiped his eyes one more time, hugging his legs tighter against his chest, looking down at the ground and letting out a quiet little chuckle. “I-I mean, not the worst thing that could have… happened…”
He was pretty sure he would rather have died but…
He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and squeezed his pants, keeping his eyes down. Regulus squeezed him gently and James sighed, feeling some tension in the air.
“I-I’m sorry if you feel… cheated on, I know we aren’t… official but… I tried… I tried stopping her…” he shut up when he felt another hand touch his cheek, and he looked up to see Regulus’ soft eyes looking at him. They seemed sad, and angry. James began to tear up again, oh Merlin, had he made Regulus upset?! “Reggie I swear it’s not-”
“James. You were assaulted” he said, firmly, and James blinked slowly, tears sliding down his face as he stared at his not-quite boyfriend. “Worst than that, you were raped. You didn’t consent, she hurt you.”
James blinked again, giving soft sniffs, leaning into Regulus’ hand.
“I…” he swallowed hard, staring at Regulus’ face, trying to understand it for himself. He knew the concept, he knew what those words meant, but he was a guy. A 16 year old guy that… given the circumstances, should have loved what just happened. A hot woman, way older than him, with experience, willing to give him a quickie in the bathroom? Wasn’t that every 16 year old boy’s sex dream? Sure he felt like he had cheated on Regulus (even if they weren’t a thing) and sure she didn’t ask him if he wanted and she held his hand down against the sink and she didn’t stop when she asked him to but…
But…
“James” he heard Regulus call, and looked into his eyes again as his own kept producing tears, one after the other, his cheek absolutely wet by now. “It’s okay. You’re safe now. I’m here. That will never happen again alright?”
James stared at him, feeling small and weak and strange, and leaned into Regulus’ hand on his cheek, taking in his scent and how soft his palms were. Only then he moved, letting his knees go, crawling towards Regulus and gently laying down on him, hiding his face against his neck and hugging his waist as Regulus pulled him close, holding his back, rubbing it tenderly.
He was an idiot. An absolute moron. And he was so fucking lucky he had Regulus Black in his life or else he wouldn’t fucking survive.
He laid down on Regulus’ shoulder for a long time, calming down, eventually having them both lay down and remaining close to the small Slytherin boy, sniffling against his shoulder and playing with his robes as they laid under the stars. Regulus moved his fingers through his hair, brushing through the curls, and James began to feel sleepy and tired as he did, leaning into the soft caresses. He felt Regulus place a kiss to his forehead and James sighed, nuzzling into his neck and resting comfortably half on top of him.
He didn’t realise he had fallen asleep until the first sun rays woke him up, unblocked by any wall in the astronomy tower.
When he looked up, Regulus was there, staring down at him, looking like he had barely slept. James had no heart to be angry at him, it had been his own fault.
Regulus gave him a nod, and leaned down to kiss his forehead.
“Good morning James” he whispered. “Did you sleep well?”
James hummed and yawned softly before he nuzzled against Regulus’ cheek.
“No nightmares or dreams, so I would guess yes. Did you?”
“I didn’t sleep” he replied, and James sighed but didn’t fight him on it. They remained silent for a moment, before Regulus started talking again. “I’m going to tell Dumbledore.”
James’ eyes snapped open and he pulled away, sitting up and staring at Regulus with wide eyes.
“You’re what?!”
“I’m going to tell professor Dumbledore” Regulus said, determination in his eyes. “He cannot allow Slughorn to bring people like this into Hogwarts, that’s insane.”
James knew it made sense. That really Dumbledore should not allow Slughorn to bring into the school someone like Marie. What about the other students? But… James wasn’t another student. Telling Dumbledore about her would imply involving him in the story… and fuck…
How would the headmaster even look at him after that?!
He would be expelled!
“Regulus, you can’t. You can’t, okay?! How are we going to explain this to Dumbledore of all people?! A-and what if Slughorn finds out? Well he will find out, and he will fail me in potions! He will hate me! That if Dumbledore expells me for being a fucking perverted d-”
“James Potter!” Regulus called out, and James shut up immediately, watching as Regulus moved closer to him. “You… won’t be the one to get the consequences of whatever happens okay? It’s not your fucking fault. You are not the pervert here, for once.”
“Regulus, I didn’t stop her” James replied, feeling his eyes burning again, but honestly he was all out of tears. He felt sick again, his stomach turning a bit. “I could have, but I didn’t. I could have drank less firewhiskey, I could have eaten less of Slughorn’s weird food, I could have stuck around Lily and Severus, I could have-”
“It’s not. Your fault. James” Regulus whispered, leaning closer to him and holding his face. “It’s not your fault. She is the pervert here. She is the adult woman that touched a 16 year old teenager without his consent. Got it? You are not the problem, she is.”
James stared at him and breathed shakily, Regulus’ hands making him feel more grounded than ever. He gave him a slow, unsure nod, and Regulus’ thumbs brushed gently over his cheeks.
“C-could you not… mention me?” he whispered after a moment, and Regulus let out a soft sigh before he nodded.
“I won’t. Lying is one of the things I do best.”
“And could you not tell anyone?”
Regulus looked at him unsure, doubtful.
“You should tell someone James. Someone else. Your friends…”
“N-no. No I can’t” James shook his head. “Please. Don’t tell anyone. Please Regulus.”
Regulus sighed and nodded slowly, allowing James to fully relax. Regulus moved closer a bit, and James watched him with soft curious eyes. He moved until their noses were almost touching and hummed.
“Can I kiss you James?”
James stared at him, surprised and then confused, honestly even a little offended.
“Why are you asking? You know you can” he said, and Regulus raised an eyebrow at him. James stared back, and nodded. “Yes Reggie. You can. Of course you can.”
It was kinda what he was hoping for all night.
Regulus leaned in, and James joined him in the middle for a tender, sweet kiss, a press of lips that very slowly turned into a gentle movement, some teasing, some sucking of bottom lips, and nothing more than that. It was a kiss that left James warm and wanting more.
They pulled away and their eyes met, James smiling softly at him.
“I really do love you, you know Reggie?” he whispered, and Regulus couldn’t help but blush and smile back. “I know I don’t say it often… that I show it even less… but I do. And it sucks that we can’t officially be together.”
“I love you too” Regulus whispered back, and chuckled when James stared at him like an excited puppy. “Now… lets get up and go to our dorms, we need to change and get ready for the day. And James…”
He looked deep into Regulus’ eyes and leaned into the hand on his cheek.
“Don’t be afraid to call me when you need me, alright?”
James softened a bit, and gave him a slow nod and a small smile.
“Yeah… I won’t.”
They smiled and shared another kiss before they got up, each heading to their own dorm.
At least now James had an excuse where he was all night, and Moony, Padfoot and Wormtail wouldn’t question him.
He just needed a good shower… and he would be good as new.