Chapter Text
"Deadpool?" Victor repeated.
THE Penguin didnt bother to comment, only raise an eyebrow. Deadpool barely stopped himself from squirming under his gaze- it was so much more intense in person! "You know alot about me, yet I don't have an idea who you are, Deadpool, order something and join us." Oswald spoke before turning back to Victor, thoughtful.
"Mkayy." Deadpool knows his voice wobbled. Fuck. He just didnt think he'd ever meet one half of his TV crush because fuck you the actor isn't the same thing!
Once Deadpool recovered from meeting one of his actual-still-unattainable TV CRUSH(!), he turned back to the counter with a dramatic twirl. As the merc with a mouth approached, the waitress waited for him behind the counter with a welcoming smile as the two criminals whispered behind his back.
Deadpool made a point of looking at her name tag, dramatically scrunching his mask. To this day, he doesnt know how he does it. (All masks do that with us, maybe it's a minor power.)
"Hello, I hope you're having a lovely evening, what can I get for you tonight?" Ashlee asked politely as soon as Deadpool leaned on the counter. He knew what he wanted already, looking pointedly at the fresh pie before grabbing a menu.
Wade simply hummed and hawwed as he gave Oswald the time to whisper with his apparently best friend Victor Zsasz.
[If you screw this up, I will sing baby shark for a year, I SWEAR ON SPIDEYS PERFECT PERKY-]
(Please please PLEASE DONT EMBARRASS US!)
[ZSASZ IS HERE!!!]
Deadpool winced as the voices shouted in desperation, looking over the menu quickly as he leans on the counter. "Mkay, I'll take uhhh two slices of pie annnnnn-" He drums his fingers idly over the top, swaying lightly. "-d a big thing of icecream with some black coffee." Grinning, he slides the menu across to her.
"Also, leave room in the cup, Ashlee. Thank youuu, Imma go talk to the mayor! Squee!!" Ashley giggles as he flaps his hands. "No problem, I'll be sure to bring it to your booth."
[Relax! You already know these guys, you just need to sell you to them.]
(That sounded so wrong. )
[Hey, Oswald is hot but let's be honest, Nygmobblepot is the goal.]
Readying himself, Deadpool turns, skipping over to the booth. Victor watches him with clear delight, moving over to give him room. "Aw, for lil old me?" Without hesitation, the merc fills thr empty spot.
"You know my name but I don't know yours..." Oswald trailed off, taking a sip of his coffee. "I. Am. Marvel Jesus...Mj if ya nasty." Deadpool winked playfully. Oswald bristled in a very familiar way. In the show, it was a good sign that annoyance could quickly turn into a murder. [Thank fuck you watched that show relentlessly.]
"Wade Winston Wilson- I know it goes hard in the paint but it's the comic writers truth!" Deadpool quickly added.
"So your initials are just WWW?" Victor grinned, bumping the mercs shoulders. "You can't be from here, I haven't heard of a hitman in a kink suit."
Deadpool gasped, offended as he clutched his nonexistant pearls. "I am a lady of great respect! I only show my kinks on the 3rd date at least. And no, I'm from the greatest place ever- Canada."
Wade leaned back in the booth, before sitting back up as his weapons pressed uncomfortably into his back. His leg twitched with nervous energy as the two criminals meet eyes before looking back to him.
"Also, one of my favorite monikers- nicknames? Title? Titty?- is merc with a mouth. Rolls off the tongue." Deadpool was gearing up to ramble off the nervous energy. He cleared his throat, taking a breath but before his mouth could get going, Ashlee was back with a tray.
"Here we are," She smiled at him as he relaxed a bit, smiling sheepishly back.
Ashlee moved to put the tray down but Wade quickly motioned for her to stop. He simply grabbed the bowl of icecream, half standing out of his seat awkwardly. Putting it on the table, Deadpool made quick work of the coffee and pies, placing them right next to the icecream.
[Why did you order? It's not like you can eat through your mask. Do you really wanna scare him off that fast?]
(We won't even be able to see our ship sail if they see it! Let's be honest, it's not like you even want to see that mug of yours.)
(Spiderman didnt say anything because he was trying to be nice.)
The voices were so loud, he completely missed her walking away as he sat back down, staring at the pies wistfully. Victor bumped his shoulder, making the merc jump, knocking his knee on the table. "What?!"
Oswald let out a small snort, obviously holding a shocked laugh back. "Did you hear us at all?"
[You eat like a pig anyway, no way you should have that now.]
"Uh sorry I was stuck in pie land, Mayor P." Wade leaned on his elbows, taking to mug by both hands. The warmth seeped through the leather slowly, at least he could enjoy that right now. Oswald pointedly looked down at the mug in his hands then to the mask covering his face.
If Deadpool pretended he didnt see the first look, act like he was pretty again, he could delude himself for a moment that Oswald was looking at his lips. That the Penguin found him attractive.
(Imagine being under him when he's pissed, all red faced and emotional...)
"You must've forgot something." Penguin grinned as he watched Wade comically widen his eyes, looking around curiously. "Forget what?"
"You cant drink through your mask." Victor shrugged before leaning in close. Wade had honestly forgotten how Victor Zsasz didn't know at all what personal space was in the show, and this was a swift reminder as the hitmans chest pressed into his shoulder. Zsasz was so close to the side of his face a twitch would make them touch.
See, Deadpool was used to being the one that got a bit too close, being on the order side was a bit thrilling. It made him giggle as Zsasz got close. "Need help?" Victor asked, watching Deadpools mask.
(....)
[...]
"([Yes!])! Dear god yes, I'm just a girl-" Wade gasped out.
Victor laughed, hands going to his neck and if he really really really really focused he could pretend that Victor Zsasz was gonna choke him. "Squeal!" Wade squeaked. As Victor found the bottom of his mask, his hands shot up as he remembered. "Just-just roll up the bottom half okay? I'd hate to make you guys sick so early into our friendship."
Victor paused at that, fingers curled under the fabric, raising his nonexistant eyebrow raise. "You are aware this is Gotham?" Penguin spoke up, watching the two of them with mild curiosity. "Nothing under there will scandalize us." He nodded sharply at Victor.
Without hesitation, the hitman pulled the mask off completely, and Deadpool reacted on instinct. Before the mask could even hit the floor, Wade had Victor pressed into the wall, in the mans lap as one fist pressed against his neck. The small knife between his fingers barely brushed Victor's neck, and the hitman stared into his eyes as he pressed his gun to Deadpools lower stomach.
"Listen, twink Mr. Clean, I think we need to go over the rules of consent. " Deadpool snarled. [Why did they have to see?!?]
(No one wants to see that.)
[Hes staring at us.]
Wade tensed as his anger abs action quickly caught up to him. Slowly, he looked over at Oswald, only to see a blank slate. Penguin stared back, eyes bright as always, expression closed off completely. "You were one of Strange's experiments."
Wade let out a sharp, bitter laugh, pulling away from Victor and tucking his knife back into its place. "I fuckin wish. Probably would've been kinder, egg head mother fucker is at least a few steps above X."
Oswald took in his scars and he gave a soft apology to Victor. Wade shifted, staring at his mug as he added a few scoops of icecream into it. Leaning on his hand, Oswald stared at him with those sharp blue eyes, watching him put nearly all of his icecream on the pies.
"Tell me all about it."
[What?]
(What??)
"Whau?" Deadpool finally met Oswalds eyes, shock written over his face. "Show me why you're called 'merc with a mouth', Wade Wilson. Deadpool." The mayor paused, smirking. "MJ."
[TELL THIS MAN EVERYTHING HE WANTS TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!]
"Well, it honestly depends on who you ask, but it's always by Weapon X. Always cancer." Deadpool paused, taking his fork and pressing the melting icecream into the pie. He took a small bite before beginning again. "And just my fuckin luck- it was everywhere! Brain, kidney, lungs. Now, I wouldnt have minded dying alone in a shitty apartment on top of some dirty ass newspapers- but I had someone who cared. For once, I had someone who loved me and actually gave a rat's ass if I died or not."
Wade scoffs, taking another bite. "So, because cancers a shitshow, I planned to leave, save 'em the late not vommie sessions. But then this agent Smith motherfucker comes and offers something unreal. A cure but better! You'll be cured and have a cool set of powers on the other side. Be a fuckin hero bullshit."
(Its always bullshit)
Victor interrupted with more questions than Oswald did but they both had their fair share. By the time it was over, Wade's pies were long gone, and they all had a refill on their coffees. He felt vulnerable, but it didnt feel bad, it felt like he was finally being seen.
Everyone came with these bad assumptions when it came to him, even Spidey was hesitant and even outright abrasive at times. It usually took so much to even get a tentative understanding with anyone, but this was different. They listened, they saw him.
It's been so long since Wade Wilson was simply seen. Not without fighting for it tooth and nail. They didnt judge, they understood or could sympathize at the very least. By the end of it, Victor stared at him with narrowed eyes.
"When you say you heal fast?"
"Well, let's say it takes a lot to actually put me down." Wade shared absentmindedly, idly stirring his coffee. "I think we can help each other, Deadpool." Oswald finally let his mask down a bit, eyes warm and it made his heart race a little.
[Don't get in you feelings, stay focused on the goal.]
"Lay it on me, blue eyes." Wade grinned, leaning across the table. Operation: Nygmobblepot is a go!