Forever in the Fallout

by Banana_Breadz

Summary:

Because as he heard Till’s singing, it was like it was just the two of them.

In the dark empty room, one spotlight, one song, two hearts.

He knew what he was feeling.
He knew it’s label all too well.

But did Till…?

Or,

A ‘What if they escaped?’ Fanfic, in which Till blindly takes advantage of Ivan’s love—until he doesn’t.

Chapter 1: Too Close - Sir Chloe

Notes:

Heyyy, so I started this one awhile ago, and with Round 7 coming out, my bsf was like:

“The people are in demand of comfort!”

So BAM!

Alien Stage fanfic!

(And i have a bad habit of deleting the fics I absolutely hate, but i really like this one so dw its gonna stay)

Enjoy !

 

 

 

 

The sky was falling.

 

 

 

 

Stars engulfed by everlasting flames, storms of smoke turning the midnight bright.

 

 

There were alien guards searching everywhere, their flashlights brightening the grass as the two boys ran hand-in hand.

 

 

Ivan was in the lead, determination in his eyes as he pulled the other with him, reaching the edge of the city.

 

Till was behind him, gasping for air with every step, fear and worry still lingering in his head.

 

 

 

 

They finally made it to the gates, the sky already turning red and orange as the light painted their faces in bright light.

 

Ivan looked back, watching Till bite his lip from anxiety,

 

“Mizi… shes still…”

 

Ivan frowns, griping tighter onto Till’s hand, “We can’t go back. Maybe she escaped too.”

 

Till swallows harshly, turning around as he looked towards the facility, almost taking a step forward. But before he can, Ivan hugs him, desperation in his eyes, “She will be okay,” he says, and he didn’t care if it was a lie.

 

Till looks into his eyes, sad and confused.

 

 

 

Was this really the right option?

 

Could they really live outside the city?

 

 

 

Could they survive?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They were barely 12, they shouldn’t have to worry about having a good life or being able to survive.

 

They should be playing at the park, painting pictures, and laugh with each other.

 

But that wasn’t their reality.

 

 

 

 

 

Ivan kept walking forward, pulling Till along with him despite his struggles, despite his desperate reaches for the place they faked home.

 

They kept walking, and walking, and walking….

 

Eventually, they found a boat.

 

 

People on it, just as Ivan had hoped, planned even.

 

 

 

Seeing as Till was exhausted and about to pass out, he pulled him onto his back, carrying him until they made it to the shores.

 

 

 

He looked back once more and smiled at the burning sky.

 

He could finally live freely.

 

 

 

 

His toes touched the sand, water gently swishing over it as a welcome.

 

He walked forward until he reached the boat, barely keeping himself above water, but he made it.

 

And although the Aliens had caught up to the shore, they were too late.

 

 

The boat was sailing.

 

 

It was just Ivan and Till, headed straight towards the rumored civilization of just humans.

 

A place where they could grow up within that distant reality.

 

 

One that was just a grasp away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

• —— • Ten Years Later • —— •

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Till awakes to the sound of sizzling, a small scent of meat running under his nose.

 

He rubs his tired eyes, eye bags seeming to just become a part of his appearance.

 

He threw on a baggy t-shirt, sport shorts to go under as he walked to where Ivan was. Who of which gave a large smile, “Morning Till.”

 

“Whatever,” he replied groggily, “What are you making?”

 

“I found some bacon, and obviously we have a lot of eggs so-“

 

“Let me guess, bacon and eggs?”

 

Ivan smiled at the sarcastic remark, walking over to hand him a plate.

 

Till sat at the table, realizing there was only one plate, “Where’s yours?”

 

“Im not hungry, you go ahead and eat,” he pulled on his coat, opening the door and stoping halfway out, “I’ll be back. Stay here.”

 

And just like that, it was only Till and his breakfast, which he ate slowly to savor the smoky taste.

 

He glanced out the window seeing the crowded streets, the homeless, the struggle.

 

But at least he didn’t have to worry about dying all for a song.

 

 

 

See, in this civilization, its not like some crazy dystopian city where the city has tall towers, security- hell, they barely have food sometimes.

 

 

Instead, its a small town, abandoned buildings turned into homes, small animal farms on every street, markets, and those who weren’t as fortunate sleeping under bridges.

 

 

 

Luckily, the moment they arrived as kids, they were able to work at the nearby bar.

 

Obviously, no place for a kid, but all they did was sing. No harm in that, right?

 

 

To this day, Till sings there every weekend while Ivan works behind the bar, refusing to sing for anyone.

 

Till thinks it’s a waste.

 

They could make a lot more cash and live in better conditions if he worked there the weekdays, his majestic voice helping the crowd feel more at ease about their life.

 

But he refused everytime.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Till propped his chin with his palm, elbow on the table as he flipped through the pages of a book.

 

He didn’t like reading necessarily, but Mizi always read a chapter before bed. He used to stay awake to listen to her sweet words, her soft voice easing him to sleep.

 

 

But she wasn’t here.

 

 

So he kept the books, reading them to himself every night almost as if she were right there, whispering in the night.

 

There wasn’t much to like, or rather- remember from his old life.

 

Except for his friends.

 

 

Except for Mizi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ivan walks back into their small apartment, hand full of some bags of supplies and food.

 

He sighs with a smile as he see Till who fell asleep on the table, his demeanor soft and gentle.

 

 

“Till,” he ruffles through his hair, “You’ve got work today.”

 

The other slaps away his hand with a groan, “Don’t touch me, I’m going.”

 

Ivan playfully raised his hands in innocence, watching the other take of his shirt as he walks into the bathroom to shower.

 

 

 

 

Ivan stares at the book on the table.

 

“The Song of Achilles…. I like that one,” he says to himself, his demeanor turning cold as he sees the bookmark.

 

It was a small paper, a little crinkled in the corner, a small stain on the back.

 

It was just a white paper.

 

 

Nothing special.

 

 

Except as he unfolded it, he saw the small doodles. The small drawings and notes in teal pen. The ones in pink pen.

 

 

‘ Mizi….’ He thought to himself, glaring at the signature.

 

 

A hand going through his hair, he sighed in frustration knowing that Till still thought about her.

 

Despite the fact that it had been ten years since he last saw her.

 

Ten years that he had only been with Ivan.

 

 

 

Ten years of what seemed like a forever unrequited love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Till walks out the shower, he is dressed in a red tank top, layered with an off-the-shoulder grey shirt. He has black pants, giving off a comfortable- yet stylish core.

 

His jewelry silver and his bracelets glistened under the setting sun, small rays pouring from the window.

 

 

 

Ivan is changed into black pants and a white collared T-shirt, a thin, black vest on top to give a suit-like appearance.

 

He grinned at the other, “Wow, who are you dressing up for?” He teases.

 

“Shut up….” Till looks away, not really knowing how to take compliments, “Lets go already.”

 

“Yes sir,” Ivan replied with a small chuckle, holding the door for the other before shutting it behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They walk along the sidewalk, passing by desperate people and occasional business people. Who of which somehow managed to gain social status in a broken civilization.

 

They can see the ocean from where they are, just past some old buildings.

 

The sounds of the waves crashing and the seagulls calling.

 

Till watches them fly over the ocean.

 

Like they’re a family.

 

Like they’re free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They make it into the bar, clocking in as Ivan sits in the empty chairs, watching Till set up his guitar and microphone.

 

“So, what are you playing today?”

 

Till pulls the guitar chip from his mouth, “Dunno.”

 

“Then may I suggest…?”

 

“….sure,” the shorter replies with a sense of suspicion in his expression.

 

“How about Too Close by Sir Chloe? It seems like your style.”

 

“But… that one’s angsty. Doesn’t really fit the atmosphere…”

 

“Who cares?” Ivan smiles, standing up to head to the bar on the side, “Half the people here are drunk anyway.”

 

He walks off, taking his place behind the counter as he gets the clean cups ready, humming with a gentle expression, his small fang tooth peeking out in his smile.

 

Till sighs softly, his nerves being put at ease in an instant, sitting on a stool as he holds his guitar, another staff member opening the doors for customers to come in.

 

 

 

Slowly but surely, it gets crowded, people swarming to grab a seat, a drink, a glimpse of the performance.

 

 

It’s mostly adult women that sit at the front where Till is, waiting for him to start performing. Most of the men are in the back playing pool or cards, Ivan getting a mixture of both.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Till takes a deep breath, stroking the chords as he plays the notes to the song,

 

“He’s so beautiful.

 

Makes me wanna believe, he’s got a heart of gold, that nobody can see.

 

Bringing party favors, dollar bills rolled nice and neat.

 

Party boy, you took to much-

 

Its time for you to leave.”

 

 

 

 

The lights dim in the room, one spotlight illuminating his face, a star being shone for all to see.

 

Ivan couldn’t tear his face away, he was in a trance.

 

Till’s gentle expression moving onto sing the pre-chorus, before grinning and striking his guitar with passion-

 

 

“You get, too close…

 

Take the one I love the most and, I think it’s time for you to go-

 

Make it, so hard…

 

You know you’ve gone to far and, I think it’s time for you to go-”

 

 

 

The crowd cheers, some going crazy from his talent, some simply because they’re drunk and the people in front did it first, either way, thats money they made today.

 

More people head towards Ivan, his charm helping attract them over as he makes them drinks, assuring them Till and him will be there every weekend.

 

 

 

Thats when one girl starts hitting on him, giggling at his demeanor and trying to flirt.

 

Out of politeness, he doesn’t turn her away, but out of disgust, he keeps his eyes somewhere else.

 

On something a lot more pleasant.

 

 

 

 

Till finally meets with his eyes from across the room, frowning at the scene before him, clearly seeing Ivan was uncomfortable. And that apparently, he was too.

 

He reaches the next part of the song-

 

“You’re so unsure…

 

You’re so afraid~

 

Don’t tell me to listen when you’ve got nothing to say-!”

 

 

Ivan almost melts to his singing, hands clenching by his side as he watches the crowd cheer to him.

 

He wanted them quiet, to stay silent during his beautiful performance.

 

Because as he heard Till’s singing, it was like it was just the two of them.

 

In the dark empty room, one spotlight, one song, two hearts.

 

He knew what he was feeling.

 

He knew it’s label all too well.

 

 

But did Till…?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

I just had to put The Song of Achilles in there, didn’t I?

Now I’m crying.

Chapter 2: Romantic Homicide - d4vd

Notes:

I have a few chapters already written, but when I use them all I will probably have to switch to a weekly schedule or something.

Enjoy!

 

 

 

The blue-haired slammed against the bed, kicking off his shoes and changing into sweatpants, acknowledging that his shirt was comfortable enough for tonight.

 

He hummed the song in his head, as Ivan walked in, placing a glass of water on the nightstand, “You sounded great today.”

 

“Thanks, I guess.” He bit his lip, once again nervous from the compliment.

 

“Don’t do that, your lips will bleed,” Ivan walks over, pulling on Till’s bottom lip gently, staring for a second before sighing and laying on the futon on the floor.

 

“Um,” the shorter sat up, noticing the exhausted expression Ivan wore, “You can have the bed tonight if you want…”

 

“No, I’m alright,” he relaxes, trying to prove that he was really okay, “You’re the one who actually did something, get some rest. Tomorrow we can go out to eat.”

 

“Can… can we even afford to?”

 

Ivan grins, pulling out a small fold of cash, “I guess good looks are worth something after all.”

 

Till rolls his eyes at the comment, obviously annoyed that he can easily make some money just for standing in a room.

 

He pulled a blanket over him, watching as Ivan slowly closed his eyes, exhaustion washing over him like a river, calming him to sleep.

 

Till blinked, turning off the lights, the darkness of the night finally having its way as it poured into the room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sky was falling.

 

 

 

Aliens on their tails, the edge of the city just ahead of them.

 

The black-haired boy running with a smile, freedom within his grasp.

 

 

But he stops.

 

A sudden coldness in his hands as the younger one behind him looks back.

 

He frowns, about to reach out again, but he’s too late.

 

All he can do is watch as Till runs away.

 

To their prison, to another heart, to his doom.

 

 

Ivan smiled hopelessly, tears begging to fall knowing he had to follow.

 

He couldn’t have a life without Till.

 

There would be no point.

 

 

He runs after him, accepting fate as they walk back hand-in-hand, Ivan dedicating himself to simply love the person.

 

Even if it meant in secret.

 

 

 

So he grabs a hold of Till’s hand, walking right behind him through the blades of grass.

 

 

 

But his hand runs warm.

 

Wet.

 

 

He looks at their hands, blood covered, he couldn’t stop it from spilling.

 

 

Both their necks wore an awful collar, red running down from both of them.

 

He immediately looks at Till, searching for signs of pain or sadness.

 

But he freezes, almost letting go of their grip as he sees dead eyes.

 

And inside those eyes were a reflection,

 

two people on one stage.

 

But only one was standing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ivan awakes in a cold sweat, quickly calming his breathing as to not wake up the other.

 

He sighs as he glances at Till’s soft expression.

 

The moonlight painting him as if a perfect picture.

 

 

He immediately relaxed his shoulders, standing up to walk to their something-of-a-kitchen, making an ice-cold glass of water.

 

 

 

“Why the hell are you up?” Till questions from behind, rubbing his eyes from the doorway of their bedroom.

 

Ivan puts his glass down, staring out the window thinking hesitantly before responding, “……Do you….regret running away?”

 

 

“What?”

 

 

 

“Do you wish you stayed there? With Mizi?”

 

Till glances at the book on the table, he forgot to read a chapter before bed, he noted. Silently scolding himself before returning to Ivan’s question, “I mean, I don’t know- I still miss her, if that’s what your asking.”

 

“Till, it’s been ten years. Im asking if you regret coming with me,” Ivan speaks in a serious tone.

 

“No…”

 

The taller almost saddens from how unsure Till’s answer was.

 

Almost like-

 

‘ Yeah, I regret coming. But nothing I can do about it now, ’ Ivan assumes is what he really thought.

 

 

 

 

“Do you love her?”

 

Till meets with Ivan’s eyes, almost concerned with the strange questions, “I did. But I don’t think she ever loved me.”

 

Ivan sits in a chair, putting his head down as he couldn’t bear the light of the moon.

 

The shorter sits beside him, unsure of what was going through his head, unsure of how to comfort or even finish the conversation.

 

But for now, he places a gentle hand on Ivan’s back, slightly rubbing it to hopefully put his mind at ease, “Are you… okay?”

 

 

 

His heart softens, resisting the urge to just grab the other and pull him into a tight embrace, “It was just a dream I had. One of those ‘what if?’ dreams…”

 

Till nods, yawning from sleepiness, “Let’s go back to bed for now. We have night shifts tomorrow.”

 

 

 

Ivan follows behind Till, being pulled from his hand as the shorter lays in the bed, close to the wall.

 

 

Ivan was about to make for the futon again, but a gentle grasp stops him, Till’s eyes insisting they just share the bed for tonight.

 

 

The taller’s eyes light up a little as he understands the nudge towards the bed, a small smile as he lays next to him. He was a little closer than what Till was comfortable with, but he blamed the twin-sized bed.

 

 

Till carefully moved the strands of hair blocking Ivan’s face, sighing from confusion of his own actions.

 

 

 

 

 

What the hell was he doing?

 

He was sharing a bed, playing with his hair…

 

Almost as if he-

 

 

 

 

 

No.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That can’t be it.

 

 

He turned around, facing the wall, furrowing his eyebrows as he squeezed is eyes shut.

 

 

 

 

That wasn’t possible.

 

 

 

Ivan was touchy, snarky….

 

 

 

 

Gentle, caring, handsome….

 

 

 

 

……

 

 

 

 

Well, shit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the morning, Till wakes up, finding one of Ivan’s arms slung over him. He sighs in annoyance, pushing it to the other side as he gets out of bed, putting on a light hoodie and some jorts, grabbing a water from the fridge.

 

 

Ivan soon follows behind him, leaning on the counter before he fully awakes, “Morning.”

 

“You shouldn’t have got up in the middle of the night. You look like shit.”

 

Ivan scoffed softly, smiling at the other before going back to their room to change.

 

“Don’t take too long!”

 

“I wont, I wont,” he chuckled in reply, quickly changing into a some dark jeans, a t-shirt, and a coat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So, where are you taking me?” Till asks blankly, glancing at the taller.

 

Ivan’s heart almost flutters at the way he worded it, but he keeps a calm expression, “It’s by the ocean front,” he extends a hand.

 

 

Till reaches out hesitantly, eventually grabbing it, immediately being pulled to run, “Ah! Why- why are we running?!”

 

“Cause then we can get the good seats,” Ivan grins, running until they arrive at the restaurant.

 

Till glances at the sky.

 

 

 

It wasn’t on fire.

 

He wasn’t running from anything or anyone.

 

He was running with freedom.

 

 

He doesn’t regret coming with Ivan, he thinks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After getting their seats, they’re placed by a window, Till tapping his foot before he feels Ivan’s nudge onto his, “…?”

 

“Are you nervous?”

 

“No. It’s just going to rain soon.”

 

Ivan frowns slightly, “You don’t like the rain…?”

 

“Who the hell does?!” He scoffs at Ivan, but he immediately softens as he sees the expression he wears.

 

Almost like a sad smile, eyes focused on the oncoming clouds.

 

“Sorry…. That was rude of me..”

 

Ivan shakes his head lightly, “I always liked the rain. It helped block out the screams and cries I would hear at night.”

 

Till’s eyebrows knit closer, feeling guilty for his earlier statement, “You used to be by the extermination room, right…?”

 

The taller only nods, looking back at the clouds as he sees the distant rain.

 

He closed his eyes, the screams and cries of little kids forever stuck in the back of his head.

 

He couldn’t erase it.

 

He couldn’t wash it away,

 

But for now, he could drown it out with the sound of rain tattering on the roof.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was evening, Till had just finished his performance and both of the boys stayed late to close the bar.

 

Ivan was cleaning the last of the tables as he stared at the empty stage.

 

Till was sitting on a chair, reading the book from before, “If you wanna sing then go ahead,” the blue-haired says, glancing at the other’s curious eyes lingering on the stage, “It’s not like anyone else is around, anyway,” he focuses back on his book, peacefully with the rain in the background.

 

 

Hesitantly, Ivan slowly walks up to the stage, facing the dark, empty room. His breathe is light, his eyes heavy as he can’t bear to make eye contact with the other.

 

 

 

Not that Till was even looking at him.

 

 

 

 

Still, Ivan grabs the microphone, words coming from his gut after holding it in for so many years.

 

 

 

 

“Im scared~

 

 

It feels like you don’t care. Mmm…

 

Enlighten me, my dear.

 

 

 

Why am I still here..?”

 

 

 

 

Till tears his eyes away from his book, meeting with the taller’s gentle expression.

 

Eyes closed, lips shaky, expression….sad…

 

 

Like he wasn’t just singing a song.

 

It was almost like he was singing his life.

 

His feelings.

 

 

 

 

His heart ached at the lyrics, making him overthink their relationship. Their friendship.

 

Because that’s all it was, right?

 

 

As the song continued, every lyric for a memory- Ivan finally stared back at him, eyes full of desperation and longing….

 

 

Till wasn’t so sure anymore.

 

 

“In the back of my mind, you died.

 

And I didn’t even cry….

 

 

No, not a single tear.

 

 

And im sick of waiting, patiently, for someone- who won’t even- arrive~”

 

 

 

Till closes the book, fully focusing on Ivan’s singing. The words and voice like an enchanting spell.

 

He never heard anything like it.

 

 

Back when they were at the alien center, he always sang sad songs, but they were dramatic and powerful.

 

This one?

 

It was calming and constantly hitting him deeply.

 

Like a knife piercing his heart.

 

 

 

Ivan smiles at him, a hand jokingly reaching towards him. And suddenly, Till’s body  moves towards the other.

 

He didn’t bother stopping until he was on the stage beside Ivan, who stopped singing due to confusion.

 

“Till? What… mn-”

 

Ivan felt his tie get pulled, lowering his head as his lips met with Till’s

 

It was a slow, soft, kiss.

 

His eyes closed as one of his hands wrapped to the back of the blue-haired’s head. Deepening the kiss before either could pull away for air.

 

“Mn-“ Till tried to back off, eventually pushing Ivan until he fell down, sitting on the stage with confusion.

 

“Ah…” he wants to reach out and help the other, but his hands shook as he stared at Ivan, wide-eyed.

 

 

 

 

 

He shouldn’t have done that.

 

 

He should have kept his head down like he normally did. Back when he didn’t have these strange feelings.

 

These scary feelings.

 

 

“I… um-“ Till swallows harshly, slowly backing away as he turns for the exit.

 

However, he’s stopped by a grip on his arm, Ivan frowning at his attempt to run away, “Till, why-“

 

“DON’T SAY ANYTHING,” he shouts, deep inhales growing as he starts to freak out, “I- I made a mistake, okay?... I want to be alone….”

 

Ivan painfully lets go, arms down by his side as he watches the other leave the bar.

 

 

Now he was in the spotlight, with no one to sing for.

 

A wasted song.

 

 

That was what he feared most.

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

Till is Bella from Twilight in another universe.

🧛: “How you like the weather? 😏”

👧🏻: “Agh… uh… mngndjsjsosishs”

🧛: “Tf bitch? You having a seizure??”

👧🏻: “No i just… aghh… dont really like rain.”

🧛: “……”

OMG SHOULD I DO A VAMPIRE AU??

Chapter 3: I Can’t Handle Change - Roar

Notes:

I have no idea where this story is goin, so bear with me ? 😭

 

 

 

 

Ivan sat at the table, tapping both his hands on the surface, and his foot on the floor.

 

His frown deepened, growing with concern with every second that passed.

 

The ticking clock was of no help.

 

 

The room was too dark to even read it, and he didn’t bother turning on the lights.

 

He knew what it read.

 

 

 

 

 

The rain was harsh, shower after shower, the night seeming endless.

 

 

And Till wasn’t back yet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He closed his eyes in frustration and confusion.

 

Why did Till kiss him?

 

 

 

 

Ivan himself always knew his feelings. He was in love with Till. He would die for him, even. But Till?

 

It’s not like he expected him to ever return the feelings. Although he wouldn’t complain if he did.

 

 

But this…

 

 

This could ruin the friendship they did have.

 

 

And he couldn’t live without Till.

 

 

 

 

 

The clock continued to tick, each second growing louder and louder.

 

His mind going hazy.

 

 

 

 

Suddenly, he shoots up from his seat, grabbing a coat and his umbrella, searching through the night.

 

He peeks through store and restaurant fronts, the alleys, the benches, until eventually, he stops at the pier.

 

 

He sees a young person, his clothes blowing  in the wind, his hair wet from rain, his eyes…

 

 

Beautiful.

 

 

 

 

Ivan walks closer, holding the umbrella over Till, “Let’s go home.”

 

The younger doesn’t meet with his eyes, only following behind as he accepts the umbrella.

 

 

The rain starts to become a little lighter, so does Till’s chest. For some reason, he thought approaching Ivan again would feel suffocating. Because he didn’t have his mind collected yet, much less his words.

 

 

But Ivan, like always, doesn’t treat it like a big deal. He makes it seem like it never happened.

 

 

Till admired that about him.

 

 

How easy the atmosphere was around him.

 

How he always had the right thing to say.

 

 

It was almost aloof, in a way.

 

Like whatever Ivan said or did, it didn’t have any affect on others.

 

 

 

But, Till was pretty sure kissing him was a big deal.

 

So why didn’t Ivan act like it was?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once returning back to their small home, Ivan kicks off his shoes, nudging Till to shower. He obeys, changing into a comfortable hoodie and sweat shorts when he’s done.

 

 

Ivan then brings him over, offering to dry his hair. Again, he accepts it, not really seeing any harm in it. So he relaxes to the gentle touch, firm hands ruffling his hair, warm air scaring away the cold, wet feeling.

 

 

“So… are we going to talk about it?” Till finally asks, his gut almost wanting to sink from fear.

 

“We don’t have to. We can just forget about it.”

 

This almost pains Till, something inside him didn’t want to forget about it, “What? Ivan- we can’t just act like nothing happened,” he responds firmly, sitting on the bed beside the other.

 

“Sure we can,” Ivan hands him the book, the same one he cared about so much, mostly because of a certain someone.

 

Till knew what Ivan was trying to imply.

 

The fact that his feelings weren’t at all sorted out, while Ivan knew everything and just decided to play dumb all these years.

 

But why?

 

 

If Ivan liked him, why didn’t he confess? Why didn’t he admit his feelings, or at least act like he had a crush on him?

 

Instead, he was no different than a close friend. Nothing more.

 

 

“Ivan, I can’t just ignore what I did,” Till’s face frowns, frustrated at his own stupidity.

 

“Why not? It’s like you said, you just made a mistake.”

 

 

 

Ouch.

 

 

 

 

Till couldn’t help but shrink slightly at the words.

 

He did say that.

 

He admitted it to being a mistake, and maybe in the moment he truly believed it was.

 

But now? He wasn’t sure.

 

 

He wasn’t sure if he was just scared of the truth, or if he was just starting to misunderstand himself.

 

And that scared him.

 

 

It was almost as if Ivan knew him better than himself. Better than the both of them.

 

 

 

But how much did this hurt Ivan?

 

Why didn’t he act like it hurt him?

 

It had to, right?

 

 

“Let’s go to bed, okay?” Ivan insists, a small smile as he lays down, his breathing slowing as he starts to drift asleep, “Just… don’t leave again, please .”

 

“Mn.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unlike most mornings, there was no smell of bacon or eggs. Or even day-old yogurt.

 

There was no sun slipping past the curtains.

 

There were no gentle hands encouraging Till to wake up.

 

 

 

He sits up, looking around as he realizes it was already nine in the morning.

 

As he gets up, he yawns before glancing at the other, who was still sleeping.

 

Confused, he walks closer, attempting to wake Ivan up.

 

“Ivan,” he calls, a hand reaching to shake his shoulder, “Ivan, wake up.”

 

No answer.

 

“Ivan…?”

 

Till reaches to touch the other’s forehead, wisps of black bangs falling onto his hand, he leaves it for a moment before quickly retracting it as he felt a fast heat from the other.

 

“Shit…” Till nudges harder, “Ivan, wake up.”

 

He does this time, groggily and slowly, but he sits up as he rubs his eyes, forcing them to stay open a little longer, “Sorry, I’ll make breakfast in a second.”

 

“Forget that, dumbass, you’re sick.”

 

Ivan doesn’t say anything, he simply acknowledges the remark with a nod before laying back down, facing towards the ceiling.

 

“It’s my fault you were in the rain so long,” Till admits, sitting on the bed on the small, empty space.

 

“Im just glad you didn’t get sick.”

 

“You…” Till sighs defeatedly, “You’re hopless,” he almost smiles.

 

 

Ivan wasn’t fortunate to catching it.

 

His eyes closed, unable to keep them open a second longer.

 

His body felt uncomfortably warm, but he beared with it as he felt the cool hand touch his forehead.

 

“You’re cold,” Ivan mumbles.

 

Till only stares as he acknowledges the other’s words.

 

 

 

He doesn’t know why he’s cold.

 

Why he can be so mean, even when Ivan didn’t deserve it.

 

 

Can’t he just be warm like Ivan?

 

Ivan who smiles even when inconvenient.

 

Ivan who comforts even when not asked to.

 

Ivan who loves, even when no one loved him back.

 

 

When Till , didn’t love him back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He sighed hopelessly, pouring water on a small towel, placing it over Ivan’s forehead, who in return smiles at the small act.

 

“Just get some rest…”

 

Ivan nods, gently closing his eyes as his fever started to cool down, relief washing over him, finally.

 

 

 

Till stayed by his side, watching carefully, making sure his fever didn’t go up again. But even as the fever disappeared completely, he remained there. As if to assure Ivan would be there too.

 

 

Because he liked that feeling of being loved.

 

The feeling of another’s presence, especially during the lonely nights.

 

 

He was selfish, taking advantage of the other’s comfort.

 

And Ivan loved him anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Ivan wakes up, he finds himself covered in a blanket, a cool towel on his forehead, and a hand near his.

 

 

He follows the hand to Till, who was asleep with his head down on the bed.

 

 

He sits up, tapping the other lightly, “Till, wake up,” he smiles.

 

The blue-haired woke up, feeling that gentle hand cup his face, and he can’t help but hate himself for it.

 

He was always looked after, always cared for. Even when he didn’t deserve it.

 

Especially when he didn’t deserve it.

 

 

Right now, Ivan was sick, and yet he still held the culprit with gentle hands, full of such love.

 

How?

 

 

How was Ivan willing to do so much for someone so undeserving?

 

At least, in his eyes, he was undeserving.

 

 

“How are you feeling?” Till asks, slightly leaning into the hand on his cheek.

 

“I feel better, thanks. Want some noodles?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

 

 

Siting at the table, they both sit in silence as they eat their food, only the sound of slurping and steam filling the room.

 

“I um… im sorry you got sick.”

 

Ivan shakes his head, staring at his bowl, “It’s not your fault.”

 

Till frowned, being forgiven so easily.

 

 

Suddenly, theres a loud commotion coming from the outside. People shouting in joy, the sound of the ocean crashing into something hard.

 

 

Till peeks out the window, lifting the blinds with a hand.

 

“What do you see?”

 

 

“A boat…”

 

 

Immediately, Till is beside the other, opening the blinds completely to see the boat.

 

It was similar to the one he escaped on all those years ago.

 

The small black metal, blending in with the dark night, the vast ocean. A small sail and engine, and lastly, the young people.

 

He squints, their apartment being too far to actually make picture of the people getting off.

 

But for a split second, he swears he saw.. pink.

 

 

 

Till grabs a coat, reaching for the door when he pauses.

 

He turns to look back at Ivan, who stood there with a somber smile.

 

He looked like he was about to cry.

 

 

 

But he had to go.

 

He had to check for the slightest chance that she survived. Escaped.

 

He opens the door, leaving Ivan alone once again.

 

With no chance for him to follow behind.

 

 

 

See?

 

 

He was undeserving of Ivan’s heart.

 

 

All because he was scared of change.

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

Bro Till is fumbling 😔

I would marry Ivan in a heartbeat

Chapter 4: YKWIM? - Yot Club

Notes:

Sorry for the absence, I haven’t been the greatest physically (headache, arm pain, fatigue) im super exhausted from school, so im gonna be on a hiatus until maybe winter break.

Sorry, but enjoy !

:)

 

 

 

He’s rushing down the stairs, cold breath as he inhales the chilly ocean air.

 

Finally, he makes it to the pier, going past the crowd with gentle nudges and pushes, desperate to make it to the front.

 

His eyes search for any signs of Mizi, just a glimpse of her. Anything.

 

 

 

And then he sees her.

 

 

Her flowing pink hair, her bright eyes, her pale skin that glistened in the sun.

 

She was smiling brightly at the sight of the free world, something that was probably just a myth for her, until now.

 

She twirls, taking in the smell of the ocean, the sight of the people, then… she sees Till.

 

 

That little boy who escaped, curious blue eyes, gummy smile.

 

His eyes grew softer, more gentle.

 

His smile was smaller, but she still recognized him.

 

 

Immediately, she runs until she’s hugging him, catching him off guard, “Till! Is that you? Oh my gosh, you- you’re okay!”

 

“Mizi… I… I can’t believe you’re here,” he hugs her back, his face buried in her shoulder, “I never thought I’d see you again, how- how did you escape??”

 

She smiles, “It’s… complicated. I was just lucky, really.”

 

Till looks down with a slight blush, her demeanor the same as ever, he notes, “Come with me, Ivan and I have a small apartment. You can stay with us.”

 

“Ivan?” She follows him as she looks around, taking in the new world, “I can’t believe he’s here too…”

 

“Yeah, we both work at the bar, we decided to just live together to make rent easier.”

 

Mizi giggles, “So, are you two…..y’know,”

 

Till turns around, a serious expression as he locks eyes with her, “No. It’s- its not like that…”

 

“Oh… sorry. I just assumed since he-“

 

“Since he what?”

 

“…” Mizi hesitates seeing Till’s uncomfortable expression. Like it was a big deal for her to assume they were dating. For anyone to assume, “Ah, nothing. Let’s just go- I’m tired.”

 

“Mn.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Till unlocks the door to their apartment, Ivan still standing by the window, facing away from the two.

 

“Ivan… Look, Mizi escaped too,” he brings her over, offering a noodle pack as she sat down at the table.

 

Ivan turns around, a soft expression when he sees Till’s smile.

 

But Till wasn’t looking at him.

 

 

He was looking at Mizi.

 

 

Even after all these years, he was still second place.

 

He was still right behind her, even when she wasn’t in sight.

 

 

He didn’t ask for much.

 

He was never pushy or too flirty.

 

He always comforted and supported Till.

 

 

All he wanted was to see the younger smile.

 

Smile, and hopefully, because he was looking at Ivan.

 

 

 

But here he was, third wheeling an impossible relationship, but he didn’t have the heart to tell Till the truth.

 

The fact that Ivan loved him,

 

The fact that Mizi didn’t. Couldn’t.

 

 

The fact that his heart felt like it was stabbed every time he even mentioned her.

 

 

The fact that Till was holding the blade, and he didn’t even know.

 

 

 

 

Mizi stood up, gently patting Ivan with an understanding expression.

 

Since they were kids, she somewhat understood Ivan.

 

Even though they weren’t necessarily close, they both had a tacit understanding that they were the same in a way.

 

That they both loved someone, but could never admit it for they could die at any moment.

 

Ivan was lucky however, lucky to escape with his love, the fact they were both alive to this day was a miracle.

 

But, she also understood that they both lost something.

 

 

Their love, but in different ways.

 

 

 

“Im glad you’re okay,” Mizi says, a small sigh of relief escaping when he hugs her back gently.

 

“Yeah.”

 

 

He couldn’t hate her.

 

It wasn’t her fault.

 

It was his.

 

 

 

He could only sit there and watch the other two talk, with nothing but a seeping pain in his heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At night, both Ivan and Till agreed to let Mizi sleep on the bed until they had a better arrangement for the three of them.

 

“Ah, you can sleep on the futon, I’ll fit better on the-“

 

“Its fine. You sleep there, I have somewhere to be, anyway.”

 

“At ten pm on a Monday..?”

 

Ivan nods, pulling on a scarf as he smiles, “See you later, okay?”

 

“…..Mn.”

 

 

Ivan closes the door behind him, leaving Till in the quiet room.

 

He sighs in slight confusion before shaking it off, not wanting the subject to take a toll on his mind.

 

 

He goes back to the room, smiling when he sees Mizi sleeping soundly, carefully brushing the pink strands away from the face.

 

“You’re safe now….” He smiles before opening his book as he read to the silent night.

 

 

The enchanting world he wished he lived in, the two characters realizing their feelings for each other, it was more of a understanding, nothing they said aloud.

 

And maybe Till understood too.

 

 

This was his second chance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The room was cold.

 

 

There was no smell in the air, no aromatic of food.

 

The blinds were closed, faking the morning to be dark, for the sun was trapped behind the windows.

 

 

It was quiet.

 

No soft humming, chuckles, whispers.

 

 

Just… quiet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Till sits up, glancing at Mizi’s soundly sleeping body before leaving the bedroom, searching for the other.

 

“Where the hell did he go…?” He mumbled to himself, finding a small note that read ‘breakfast’ on two noodle cups.

 

He sighs at the pitiful table.

 

 

He wished Ivan was here to cook breakfast, to crack a snarly joke, to just be there.

 

 

 

Its as if he lived with him his whole life, there was suddenly something missing inside of him now that he was absent.

 

 

He shakes off this feeling, returning to Mizi who had just woken up.

 

“Hey, are you okay?” Till asks, handing her a glass of water.

 

“Yeah, thanks. We should probably eat something though.”

 

Till walked her over to the kitchen, handing her a noodle cup before pouring the already-made boiling water.

 

“Wow, its hard to imagine the little Till I once knew taking care of himself. I remember you used to get beat up a lot by Ivan, haha.”

 

 

“Right,”  Till smiles, crumpling Ivan’s note in his hand behind his back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Hey~ what’s your name?”

 

 

…

 

 

 

“Excuse me? Im talking to you….”

 

 

Tap, Tap, Tap

 

 

Ivan looks up to the female woman, whom of which was getting agitated from being ignored, “Sorry miss, could you repeat that?”

 

“I was asking for your name.”

 

“….Ivan.”

 

“Just Ivan?”

“Just Ivan.”

 

 

He wiped the counters of the bar, which isn’t normally open until later, but he decided to work and clean while the owner’s wife and her friends relaxed there.

 

Something they take advantage of, but it’s not like they ever hurt anyone, they only gossiped behind people’s backs.

 

Still, it was unlike him to be there during the week.

 

 

 

Maybe it was the distraction he needed.

 

Something to humble him.

 

Something to fulfill him.

 

 

He didn’t know.

 

Maybe it was a little bit of both.

 

 

 

 

The lady wrapped an arm around his, pulling him closer with a wrinkled grin, “Say, you work on the weekends, don’t you?”

 

“Yes ma’am….” He turns away to hide his small disgust.

 

 

How shameful.

 

She probably had a husband, a kid even, and yet here she was trying to reel in a person much younger than her all because he had good looks.

 

 

 

“Please let go,” he gently pushed off her arm, “I have to work.”

 

“Aww don’t be that way…”

 

 

“IVAN,” the manager calls from the back, “GET BACK TO WORK.”

 

“…Yes sir..”

 

 

 

The lazy unhooks her hand from his arm, giggling as she returns to her seat with the others.

 

 

 

Ivan kept his head down, wiping the tables as he scolded himself silently.

 

 

He wondered what Till was doing.

 

He wondered if he woke up on time.

 

If he ate breakfast.

 

 

Suddenly the image of Mizi and Till was painted in his mind, and he couldn’t help but pause what he was doing.

 

 

Maybe Till was better with her.

 

 

Someone that he actually cared for, admired even.

 

 

 

And suddenly, Ivan didn’t want to know what Till was doing.

 

 

Not when he knew he was happier with her, than he ever was with Ivan.

 

Even after all these years.

 

 

He felt like he was always in the way.

 

And he didn’t want to keep Till from being happy.

 

 

Even at the cost of his own happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the afternoon, and Ivan decides to clock out.

 

Before he does, the woman slips a paper with her number in his pocket, although he doesn’t spare her a single glance, she still giggles, shamelessly.

 

He sighs in helplessness, pushing his way out the door as he finally breathes in the air.

 

That small scent of the salty sea, the fresh trees, the people.

 

 

He watched the docks from afar, the boats bringing in imports and more.

 

 

‘If only she never came’ , he thought.

 

But he knew that wasn’t fair to say.

 

 

Nothing was in the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Opening the apartment room, he finds Mizi and Till laughing on the bed, looking through an old sketchbook she had brought with her, an innocent smile they both shared.

 

 

Ivan smiled somberly, never have seeing Till smile so brightly before.

 

He couldn’t help but feel at fault for the reason he hid his smile all these years.

 

 

 

 

“Oh, Ivan! You’re here,” Mizi greets him.

 

“Where have you been?” Till interrupts, his smile faltering to a serious expression, “You’ve been gone almost the whole day.”

 

“I was… working,” the taller softens, taking off his coat as he sits at the table, “Im gonna eat.”

 

“What-? Why were you working? We don’t work during the week. We make enough on weekends.”

 

Mizi cuts in, pushing Till back to let Ivan eat, “You haven’t eaten yet?”

 

The taller shakes his head with a kind expression, “Im fine, you guys can go back to what you were doing earlier.”

 

 

“…”

 

 

Mizi glances at Till who scoffed, going back to the bedroom, “Just let him be,” he pulls her arm, dragging her with him, “Lets read something.”

 

 

“Okay…”

 

 

She couldn’t help but spare Ivan another glance, his back towards her, so she couldn’t see his expression.

 

 

But she saw his clenched fists on the table.

 

 

That was enough to understand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

Aghhh this song hits a little too hard…

Also, if anyone has any angsty song recs, lmk ! <33

Chapter 5: No Surprises - Radiohead

Notes:

Hey guys! Sorry for the hiatus, it was longer than what I had planned :(

Good thing is, I’m slowly writing again so yayy!

Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

A week had passed since the 3 started to live together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mizi managed to find a job at a small bistro on the inner side of the city, so she was gone from 6am to 1pm, the bus taking the most of her day, it felt like, at least. They gave Mizi the bedroom, Till sleeping on the couch at night as Ivan slept on it during the day.

 

 

Till continued singing at the bar, the place becoming more popular every week, and so he easily made cash to buy more luxurious food (which was just fresher fruit and meat).

 

 

Ivan… well, no one really knew what he was up to anymore.

 

 

 

He was gone during the night, Monday through Friday, trading places with Till on the couch so he could get a couple hours in before disappearing again. On weekends, he followed wherever Mizi and Till went, just observing like he wasn’t even relevant to their world.

 

 

 

And sometimes Till felt guilty for it, though unknowing as to why, he tried to ignore it or distract himself, but that feeling never really left.

 

This strange pit in his chest, a strange bitter taste on the tongue when he so much as mention Ivan.

 

 

Even at work, when he sang on stage, he found himself looking into the distance, like he was trying to find someone he knew wasn’t coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Ivan, where are you going?”

 

 

The taller paused, fixing his coat as he held the doorknob to their apartment, “Work.”

 

 

“Bullshit, the bar isn’t gonna be open at 7am… Ivan just tell me.”

 

 

“….” Ivan sighed, turning around to face Till, knowing he didn’t like being kept in the dark. And the last thing he wanted to do was put him through that, “I’m looking for another unit.”

 

“For who?”

 

“For me.”

 

Till frowned, confused and upset at the sudden decision that he seemed to have mo opinion on, “Why? We’re fine here. We can just buy another bed.”

 

“Till, we both take turns sleeping on the couch and its too crowded. Or if you’d like, I can stay here and I’ll find a bigger unit for you and-“

 

“Ivan.”

 

 

The taller paused, looking Till in the eye for the first time in a long while.

 

 

Oh, did he miss that beautiful color.

 

 

The soft blue with a small tint of green, grey even. Such a pure color, it’s almost as if it belonged to Till.

 

But he hated the expression he wore.

 

 

And he hated that he was the cause of it.

 

 

“Why are you trying to leave us?”

 

 

“Im not. I just think some space would be good for us.”

 

“For us, or just for you?”

 

“Till…”

 

“No! Why are you leaving? And why aren’t you-…” Till clenched his jaw, his sentence cutting off into nothing. A quiet mumble, at most.

 

Ivan stepped a little closer, frowning, a hand reaching for Till’s chin as he gentle lifted it, “Why aren’t I what?”

 

 

 

 

“Why aren’t you taking me with you?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All those years ago.

 

 

 

When they weren’t even teens, just barely able to understand things like society and freedom.

 

 

Something that was unfair to them, stolen.

 

 

 

As a kid, Till always wore a collar over his mouth, he learned to keep his mouth shut when needed, learned to put up with all of the disgusting things as a kid. Learned that his voice could only be used for them .

 

 

 

Ivan, always beat purple and black. Learned to stay in line when he was just a child. That should he cross it, he would regret it, that they could easily take away his ability to even walk. To see, to speak, to live.

 

 

 

The other kids went through similar situations, but they didn’t believe of another option. Didn’t even dream of it.

 

 

Ivan, however, knew there was a chance.

 

 

 

And he dreamed of it every night, a place of freedom, of comfort where he didn’t have to worry about a line to cross. There were no boundaries, no worries over death against a friend.

 

And Till was always in that dream.

 

 

 

So he took him, because there would be no other option without him.

 

 

And although Till was hesitant at first, afraid they would be caught and killed, today he finally realized how grateful he was.

 

 

 

 

Because now that Ivan is trying to leave again, he realized how shitty it felt to be left behind.

 

 

 

 

And at that moment, he also realized, exactly what Ivan had been feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

Loneliness.

 

 

 

Even though he was surrounded by people, by his friends, he was being left behind.

 

 

 

Why?

 

 

 

 

Till didn’t know either. And he hated that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Why aren’t you taking me with you?!”

 

 

 

“If I take you with me, I don’t think I could ever get over you.”

 

 

“…”

 

 

 

 

Oh.

 

 

 

Thats why.

 

 

 

Thats why he was behind, thats why Till let it happen.

 

 

Because Ivan loved him.

 

 

And Till still didn’t know what that meant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seeing Till’s confused reaction, his eyes almost full of worry- maybe fear-

 

Ivan smiled.

 

 

He smiled like he was about to cry.

 

 

 

 

“Bye, Till,” he closed the door behind him, leaving the other to be left alone in the apartment. Suddenly it was cold, there was no spare sunlight. Suddenly it felt dark, empty.

 

 

 

And he felt like crying too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Till, Ivan, I’m home,” Mizi walked in, putting the keys on the counter, pausing when there was only silence as a response, “Till?”

 

 

She walked into the room, seeing Till laying on the bed, wrapped in the blanket and a mess on the floor.

 

 

As she walked closer she picked up one of the ripped up pages from the floor, The Song of Achilles.

 

 

‘And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone.’

 

 

The line she read in her mind, the words bent with the paper, ripped with the seams.

 

 

 

 

 

“He’s gone,” Till finally speaks, sitting up to take the page out of Mizi’s hand, “He’s gone and It hurts so bad.” He looked at the page, reading the lines over and over again.

 

 

 

 

 

‘And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone.’

 

 

 

 

 

‘And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘And perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

He pressed the page to his chest, his face scrunching to hold back the threatening tears, “I hate this book.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next day, Mizi sat on the edge of the bed, offering Till a glass of water, her expression full of guilt, maybe even jealousy.

 

 

 

She knew that Ivan loved Till, she always did.

 

 

And she didn’t come here to ruin that, but somehow, she found herself jealous that they could have their happy ending, and she was stuck dreaming about the blood on her hands when Sua died.

 

 

An ending she never wanted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She patted Till on the back, “Till, im gonna do something, don’t freak out, okay?”

 

 

He looked up confused, but immediately his eyes widened when he felt her lips pressed to his. When she pulled away, he immediately stood up, slapping his hands over his mouth with an uncomfortable expression, “You- Mizi, why?!”

 

 

“Did you feel anything?”

 

 

“What?”

 

 

“Did you feel anything? Joy? Embarrassed?”

 

 

“No…” his hands fell slowly, still trying to grasp the situation, “But why would you-“

 

 

“Till. You don’t love me,” she smiled slightly, grabbing both his hands gently, “You didn’t enjoy it, right? Because you don’t love me. So who is it that’s making you feel so lonely?”

 

 

He blinked a couple times, staring at their hands.

 

 

 

She was right.

 

 

 

He thought should the day come they hold hands, kiss, hug, he would be happy, shy maybe, but excited, nonetheless.

 

 

Yet he felt uncomfortable. It felt wrong, he didn’t feel any warmth to help fight against the cold, empty space.

 

 

He didn’t love Mizi.

 

 

 

He thought he did, he hoped even, all because he was scared to face the truth.

 

 

 

Mizi wasn’t the one he loved.

 

 

 

 

“I have to find him,” he declared, eyes full of determination as he hugged Mizi, “Thank you. And I’m sorry.”

 

 

“Silly, I’m the one who kissed you, now lets go find him, hm?”

 

 

 

 

 

“Yeah,” he picked up a page off the floor.

 

 

 

 

‘I will never leave him. It will be this, always, for as long as he will let me.

If I had had words to speak such a thing, I would have. But there were none that seemed big enough for it, to hold that swelling truth.’

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 6: Creep - Radiohead

Notes:

Heyyyy i just wanted to say yall are so sweet omg, i love yall. I almost dropped this fic but I remembered the readers and kept writing!

Now im super glad I did cause I think this has definitely kept me motivated to do other things as well.

Honestly I’ve been stressed from school, but this is such a good distraction, so ty for being so kind <3

 

 

 

 

Black, purple, green.

 

 

All were colors that Ivan was used to wearing on his skin. As much as it pained him, as much as it disgusted him, he grew accustomed to the hues.

 

 

 

 

Even in his sleep, he could still feel the throbbing pain, not to mention how much it hurt to see others worry about him.

 

 

So as he grew up, he learned to hide it.

 

 

Learned that it was more painful to see someone else worry about him than the actual injury itself.

 

 

Especially when that person was Till, someone who was already an anxious person. And although he didn’t seem it to others, Ivan knew how much he stressed about the little things.

 

 

Habits, it seemed, were easy to pick up from that awful place.

 

 

The way Mizi forces a smile and pretends she knows nothing.

 

 

The way Till acts tough and isolated when he’s hurt and lonely.

 

 

The way Ivan breaks his own heart by keeping his hopes up. That small chance of something .

 

 

 

 

Even now, as a young adult who would sacrifice everything for Till, to ensure his peaceful breaths while he slept. All despite the fact that Till never showed that affection back.

 

 

 

Habits are just hard to break sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

But Ivan prayed to never break his.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was loud music, chatter and laughter everywhere.

 

 

The noise was unbearable, the stench of alcohol and other substances, smoke in the air, like the ceiling was nothing but a cloud.

 

 

It was an underground bar, most of the people were half out of their mind, or at least, about to be.

 

 

“Are you sure this is the place..?”

 

 

Till looked at the location he was tracking from his phone, noticing the matching place names, “Yeah. You should wait in the car just in case, though.”

 

 

“But-“

 

 

“Mizi. It’s okay, my work is similar to this place, I can handle myself.”

 

She nodded, giving one last supportive hug before walking put the building, leaving Till against the crowd.

 

 

He took a deep breath, walking towards the music, where it seemed less crowded, less rowdy, he hoped.

 

 

To be honest, his work was nothing like this.

 

 

His work had a very controlled environment, the boss hating the smell of smoke and other things, hating when people messed up the place because they weren’t in their right mind.

 

 

And even if something did happen, Ivan was always right there to keep an eye on things, but mostly on Till.

 

 

 

 

He squeezed the pages in his hand, the book he once loved, but ended up reflecting him so much. Too much.

 

 

He wasn’t going to have the same ending.

 

 

 

He might give up easily on things, he might back away before things get hard, before there’s even a chance of it. But he wouldn’t this time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He kept walking, a couple of people bumping into him, offering him drinks, but he quickly ignored it as he followed the music, a voice that seemed so familiar. So comforting.

 

 

 

Finally, he reached the stage.

 

 

 

It was dark, all lights pointing on one person.

 

He was wearing a white suit, his hair casting a shadow over his face, his expression unknown.

 

 

But a sweet voice escaped him, his hands holding the microphone as he sang, his eyes closed as he sank deeper and deeper into the song.

 

 

“-You’re just like an angel, your skin makes me cry….

 

 

 

 

 

 

You float like a feather~

 

 

In a beautiful world…”

 

 

Ivan finally opened his eyes, a hand extending towards Till, his smile wide, his eyes heavy,

 

 

“You’re so fucking special.

 

 

I wish I was special…”

 

 

 

And at that moment, it seemed like time froze.

 

 

Till stood there, wide-eyed at the song, the person.

 

 

Ivan wasn’t just singing words.

 

 

He was singing his heart.

 

 

 

This whole time, Ivan was so afraid of singing in front of others, all because he knew he couldn’t help but sing about Till.

 

He was afraid of abusing his own voice to break his heart, knowing he would be singing to someone who didn’t want to listen.

 

 

But Till was here now.

 

 

 

And he was finally listened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And he walked closer, meeting with the most beautiful eyes he had dared to avoid after all this time.

 

 

 

Two small abysses, so pure, so deep.

 

 

Like being trapped in space, but he didn’t mind being breathless. Not if it was with Ivan. Never.

 

 

 

 

The drums slammed, the guitars roared-

 

 

“ But I’m a creep..!

 

 

I’m a weirdo~

 

 

What the hell am I doin’ here?

 

 

I don’t belong here….”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A creep.

 

 

 

For obsessing over someone who didn’t feel the same way about him.

 

 

That’s what Till had thought of Ivan.

 

 

A creep.

 

 

A creep who’s warmth and company he took advantage of, all so he could make himself feel better. Less lonely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But who was the creep now?

 

 

 

 

 

Because now, Till was on the stage beside Ivan, yanking the singer behind the curtain, pulling him in the middle of a song without a word, finally finding a room before he locked the door.

 

 

And as soon as Ivan caught his breath, he lost it just as quickly, lips being pressed against his.

 

 

Hands on the back of his neck, legs locked against his knees. Warmth.

 

 

 

 

The sound of kissing ran through his ears, and he didn’t know if it would just hurt him even more.

 

If maybe this was just another ‘mistake.’

 

 

Another slip up that Till would spiral about, and then Ivan would act like it never happened just for his sake.

 

 

 

But it wasn’t.

 

 

 

Till pulled back, his shoulders rising with each breathe he tried to catch, his hands moving to cup Ivan’s face.

 

 

He moved the bangs which fell, the shadow being chased away as he finally saw Ivan for the first time in a long time.

 

 

His lip was busted, his cheek red, starting to turn purple. His eyes were heavy, like he could break at any moment. And he hated that he was the reason why.

 

 

 

“Ivan…” he sighed, looking down at his shoes, his body remaining still, “I’m so sorry. For not realizing how much I needed you. I miss you… please - don’t leave me.”

 

 

Oh, so this must be love, Till realized after he finished his confession.

 

 

 

Something he never actually felt.

 

 

But he now knew, it was that feeling that made your heartbeat ring, your mind hazy, your skin hot, your fingers tremble, your lips move on their own, kissing the person you love most.

 

 

 

What a wonderful feeling, he finally thought.

 

 

 

For the first time in a long while, he didn’t feel on edge or scared, angry or stressed, exhausted or annoyed. He was at peace.

 

 

Even in the middle of chaos, his heart and mind were still.

 

 

 

He looked up at Ivan, who’s silent tears had been falling the whole time. So gently, so gracefully.

 

His lip was curved into a smile, he kissed Till’s palm, “Say it again.”

 

 

“Ivan, I need you. Please don’t leave me.”

 

 

A chuckle escaped, “How could I?” He hugged Till, a hand around his torso, the other cradling his head, he sighed, tears starting to fall, but he didn’t care.

 

 

All those years ago, when he had a dream as a kid, a future where he was free and happy, alongside the person he loved most.

 

It finally came true.

 

 

 

He never regretted taking Till with him.

 

 

 

He prayed that the sky may never fall again, so that he could love Till for the rest of his life. The right way this time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So… are we gonna talk about it?” Till pressed the cotton against the busted lip, his other hand cradling Ivan’s bruised cheek, hoping his cool hands brought some sort of comfort, “How did one day get you looking like this? You look like shit.”

 

 

“And you look as good as ever,” Ivan smiled innocently before he almost scoffed, “It was just some drunk assholes, don’t worry about it.”

 

 

Till frowned, “How couldn’t I…?” his voice trailed off with a sigh.

 

 

“….Where’s Mizi?”

 

 

“Finding an apartment.”

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

Till finished cleaning the minor injuries, he pushed Ivan to lay down on the couch as he sat on the floor, his arms propped as a pillow on the edge of the couch seat as he watched Ivan close his eyes, “She wanted to move closer to her job, wanted a fresh start. She’ll visit, though.”

 

 

“So we have the place to ourselves?”

 

 

“Yeah, fortunately for you-,” Till almost laughed, “No more sleeping on the couch.”

 

 

“I didn’t mind it that much,” Ivan answered, his arm over his eyes, “Im sorry for leaving you.”

 

 

“Its… okay. I mean, I get why. I ignored you all the time because of Mizi…. But I didn’t even really have feelings for her. I just didn’t want to accept that I liked you.”

 

 

“Because I’m a guy?” Ivan teased.

 

 

“Because I was scared.”

 

 

“…”

 

 

“But- I’m not anymore, so just accept my apology already.”

 

 

Ivan chuckled, opening his arms as Till rolled his eyes, only to give in anyway. The couch was a little too small for the both of them, but they managed anyway, Ivan laying on his back, Till laying on top of him, using his crossed arms as a pillow.

 

 

 

“Ivan.”

 

 

“Hm?”

 

 

“Your song was so fucking cool.”

 

 

 

For the first time in his life, Ivan finally felt like he could stand next to Till.

 

He didn’t have to keep a distance, he didn’t have to watch him from the step below, he didn’t have to face away when his heart hurt too much.

 

 

He was finally beside him, he wasn’t that ‘creep’ anymore.

 

 

He was finally special to Till.

 

 

So fucking special.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

In case yall need a short fic to pass time, I also have another ALNST fic :)

Chapter 7: Apocalypse- Cigarettes After Sex

Notes:

Ahhh I don’t understand how i can write another 1k words for a fanfic, but not the last 100 words for my essay 😢.

Enjoy!!

 

 

 

The gentle rays of the sun, painting the room bright.

 

 

The smell of bitter coffee, black, as he liked it.

 

 

The sounds of the city, just a window away, keeping the room lively.

 

 

The hand in his hair, playing with the blue bangs as he awoke.

 

 

 

“Morning,” Ivan spoke gently, standing beside the bed, waking the other with a sweet smile. His small tooth sticking out, and his eyes curved into happy creases.

 

 

Till sighed, a small bit of envy gnawing at him.

 

 

He was foolish not to see how much Ivan cared about him until now.

 

How early he would wake up to get the room ready, to make breakfast, to wake up Till.

 

 

No one asked him to do it.

 

 

And thats one of the things Till liked about him most, that you didn’t need to ask for anything from him.

 

Ivan would have already been a step ahead.

 

 

 

“Morning,” Till finally responds, sitting up as he sat at the edge of the bed, the taller sitting down beside him, “We don’t have work today…”

 

 

“We don’t,” Ivan played with Till’s hand, rubbing the joints of his fingers admiringly.

 

 

“Then why are you up so early? You could’ve slept in…”

 

 

“I wanted to go somewhere with you today, but it’s a long ride. Do you want to go?”

 

 

Till scrunched his face slightly, seeing Ivan’s innocent demeanor, of course he couldn’t say no to him, “Only if you drive.”

 

 

Ivan brought the other’s hand up to his lips, kissing the knuckles gently, “Of course.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Do we really need a whole cart full of stuff? Where are we even going?”

 

 

“Secret, but we’re staying the weekend there,” Ivan smirked, Till already too far in to change his mind, “Pick some snacks,” he suggested, pushing the cart through the shopping mart.

 

 

Till sighed, grabbing some chip bags off the shelf, placing them in the cart as Ivan watched him, “What? I can’t have chips?”

 

 

“You can have chips, I just thought…” Ivan grinned, teasingly wrapping his arms around Till from behind, “We almost look like some newlyweds, hm?”

 

 

“What?!” Till’s face flushes pink, struggling to break free, “Don’t say stuff like that! You’re such a fucking tease!”

 

 

Ivan laughed, letting go as he added some fresh fruit into the cart, “But I’m not teasing?” His smile widened, the small dagger tooth poking out.

 

 

“Whatever….” The younger tried to scoff, but the light tint of pink on his cheeks gave him away.

 

And as always, Ivan caught on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Till never knew exactly what Ivan had gone through back at the facility.

 

 

They were still just kids when they went through the testing, separated and silenced from each other.

 

Occasionally, Till would watch Ivan walk by from his room, his skin beat up, his eyes so tired and heavy.

 

 

 

Till was lucky that after the testing he was only given a mouth collar, nothing to the extent of what Ivan went through.

 

 

 

 

 

When they got a little older and were finally able to play with each other, the large room full of fake grass and skies, Ivan and Till often fought.

 

 

Till because it was in self defense.

 

 

Ivan because it meant he would be noticed, and he didn’t care if it was by a bad or good impression.

 

 

 

Afterwords, Mizi would always patch up Till, carefully putting on the bandages and holding his hand if it hurt that badly.

 

 

But he never knew who took care of Ivan.

 

 

 

Where he went, or who he went to.

 

 

 

Maybe he didn’t go to anyone.

 

 

 

Maybe that’s why he cares so much about Till, making sure he never felt like he had no one to go to.

 

 

Maybe because the loneliness gnawed at him so much he couldn’t stand to see Till go through the same thing.

 

 

 

 

 

But things were different now.

 

 

 

 

Right now, Till was sitting in the passengers seat of a rented car, staring at the now fading bruises left on Ivan’s cheek.

 

 

Ivan, of course, noticed this. But he somewhat liked this kind of attention, although it was new to him too.

 

Someone else concerning over him, feeling sorry about his new hues.

 

 

That, and he didn’t say anything because he was focused on driving.

 

 

 

 

 

“When we get there… let me get you some ice for your cheek…” Till offered, holding a strawberry up to Ivan’s mouth, who accepted with a nod.

 

 

“Okay,” he finished the strawberry, “but don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt.”

 

 

“I don’t care. Anyway, I’m taking a nap, let me know when we get there.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, the car slows, pulling into a secluded area, trees surrounding the area.

 

 

Ivan parked, opening the passenger door before he leaned in, kissing Till on the tip of his nose, waking the other, “We’re here.”

 

 

 

“Mm.” He shoved Ivan’s face away as he got out of the car, mouth in awe at the place before him.

 

 

 

It was a modern cabin, a forest behind it, the view of the city in front.

 

 

“Ivan… how did you find this place??”

 

 

“I got a tip from one of the ladies at the bar,” he flashed a smile with a small stack of cash from his pocket, “Now I can treat my husband.”

 

 

Till rolled his eyes, getting his luggage from the back before walking inside.

 

 

The place had a modern interior as well, black and a bright wood color as the main scheme, the decor all monochrome and abstract, adding a simple touch to the place.

 

 

 

 

He took his belongings upstairs, letting his body fall onto the bed, practically bathing into the golden sunlight from the roof, which was a big, glass window.

 

 

 

 

But then, a shadow came towering over, a shadow with hands and a stupid daggered-tooth smile.

 

 

“Ivan.”

 

 

“Hm?”

 

 

“What are you doing…”

 

 

The taller smirked, leaning over the other completely, his hands placed on the both sides of Till’s head, keeping himself up.

 

 

He kissed Till’s cheek, then the bridge of his nose, then the end of his eye.

“Ah- Ivan stop-“

 

 

“Why? Can’t we do these things now?” He teased, hugging Till, arms around his waist, his face nuzzled by his neck.

 

 

“I mean- we can . But I’m not used to it…” he admitted, slightly embarrassed.

 

 

“Mm,” Ivan hummed in response, lifting his head to meet with Till’s lips, his demeanor turning a bit more serious, hasty.

 

 

 

He kissed him softly, Till having no choice but to give in, his hands tightly gripping Ivan’s shirt as he sucked on the bottom lip, opening his eyes to meet with the two dark voids.

 

 

So filled with longing.

 

 

 

Till pulled away, cupping Ivan’s face, when suddenly he remembered the bruises on his cheek, “I forgot to give you ice-“

 

 

“Don’t worry about it,” he responded before placing small kisses on other’s hand, in which Till retracted away and huffed, earning a chuckle from the other, “I can’t even feel it anymore.”

 

 

Till looked into Ivan’s eyes, pulling his face closer as he nervously placed a kiss on the bruise, “I know you’re lying….”

 

 

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” he embraced him, laying his head on Till’s chest as they drifted asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Ivan… its so late…”

 

 

“I know, just for a little?”

 

 

Till nodded, rubbing his sleepy eyes as the other led him to the near grassy field, laying down beside Ivan.

 

 

 

 

 

The sky was dark, the stars bright, the blades of green swayed against them as the gentle winds blew.

 

 

 

He sighed, almost immediately sobered from any anxiousness he had been feeling prior, softly squeezing Ivan’s hand.

 

 

 

 

 

“Look,” Ivan pointed at one of the stars, and immediately a shooting star fell just beside it.

 

 

“It’s…. beautiful.”

 

 

“Mn,” The taller smiled, turning to his side as he gently touched Till’s face.

 

 

Finally, he had him all to himself.

 

 

Finally.

 

 

 

“ Ivan….” Till’s expression softened, seeing small streams of tears fall from the other. He wiped the damp cheeks with his sleeve, “Why are you crying?”

 

 

“Im just really happy.”

 

 

And Ivan smiled.

 

 

 

So beautifully.

 

 

 

This whole time, Till hadn’t realized that he was blind.

 

 

So blind.

 

 

 

 

Because right now, he didn’t bother looking at the sky.

 

 

 

 

 

Ivan’s smile, his joy, his love.

 

 

 

 

 

It was brighter than any star.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes:

And suddenly they’re right back where they started.

Under the sky full of stars.

This is the last chapter relating to the plot, the next one is just a special quote that felt like the cherry on top.

Ty for reading <3

Chapter 8: The Song of Achilles

 

“I will never leave him. It will be this, always, for as long as he will let me.

If I had had words to speak such a thing, I would have.

 

But there were none that seemed big enough for it, to hold that swelling truth.”

 

-The Song of Achilles

 

 

 

Notes:

This series has been complete for a while, but I really wanted to add one last quote because of how correlated I tried to make The Song of Achilles with this fic. So yeah, this is a quote that I thought reflected Ivan, who already dedicated his life to (what he thought was) a losing battle. Fortunately, now Till will actually hold him with the same love that he had blindly received all these years.