Chapter Text
Han Sooyoung was slouched over one of the many stiff and boring couches that made up the waiting room for the hundred-level offices.
She was waiting, impatient, to be called into her introduction to creative writing prof’s office for office hours.
She had never been here before, and now she had only been here for like five minutes and she was already tired of the place.
The nerve of her professor, to demand that she come to office hours and then to make her wait.
Han Sooyoung looked up at every sound, and every bit of movement in the room. Every time that someone entered the room she took a little bit of joy in how clearly they noticed her and made an effort not to be seated closely.
Han Sooyoung knew that she was sulking right now, and she knew that it was visible. She also knew that she had a reputation for being abrasive, and that was at the best of times.
Finally the door opened, and Han Sooyoung watched as the student who got there before her left the room. He called and told her that the professor was ready to see her.
Han Sooyoung lurched up and went to the room, eager to move on with this chore that had been set upon her shoulders.
She crashed down in the seat for students opposite the desk in the office and met the tired and annoyed glare of her professor.
Han Sooyoung did not like her professor, and she was certain it was mutual.
This professor deserved her animosity, Han Sooyoung had dreamed her whole life of being an author, and getting a further education seemed like an important step. To have the woman before her being her professor, hell to even need to take an intro course of any kind, let alone in creative writing, was beneath her. She thought it would have been more, more important and significant.
When Han Sooyoung learned how menial a task this course was she stopped showing up.
That’s probably why she found herself getting emailed that she needed to attend this office hours session.
“I am here? What was so important to warrant that.”
Her professor took a pause at the answer, not that she was shocked that Han Sooyoung spoke in such a manner, as she had no qualms speaking this way even in front of the entire class. She took a pause because for an instant she wanted to snarkily lash back, but she knew it wasn’t worth it. That was the whole point, she had to be better. It was her obligation to try and guide her students, even the hopelessly problematic.
“You have not attended a single one of my lectures, not for the past three weeks, and we are only four weeks into the semester.”
“I endured reading your syllabus, you don’t grade attendances, all your marks are given by the work we submit.” Han Sooyoung easily replied without the slightest hint of shame.
“That’s true, and yet here I am, talking about your marks in my class.” And with that turned around a paper at the top of the stack, one given a measly 65, and it was what Han Sooyoung had submitted.
There was clear emotion in Han Sooyoung’s face and the words the very instant she saw that. “There’s no fucking way you are giving my work a C, you sent out an email only yesterday saying that the class average was in the high seventies. I know that there isn’t a single one of my classmates that could even hold a candle to me!”
“Han Sooyoung, close the door.” To Han Sooyoung’s surprise she found herself complying, though she did not stop glaring at the professor before her.
“Han Sooyoung, that comment of yours, it’s quite arrogant no? Even if I completely ignore what you tell yourself about your talents, what strikes me more is what you think of your classmates. How can you judge them, you don’t know any of them, and it is by your own choosing.”
The professor continued “And as for your mark it is more of the same, look at these two pieces” taking the next one off the pile and turning around the face of her desktop. “One paper apart, and they went up more than two letter grades, the same transition as you, except the opposite direction.”
“Professor?” Han Sooyoung interrupted in a voice feigning innocence, “Aren’t there stipulations about sharing the marks of other students?”
“There are, yet I am sure that you couldn’t name a single one of your classmates, nor would you care enough to remember or try so I feel perfectly confident that this promising student’s confidentiality will be protected”.
“Now back to the matter at hand before you interrupted, look at the progress of this student, know that while they might be the best example, they are not alone. Your trend however, is. My students are progressing, and they are improving, and you aren’t.”
Han Sooyoung had no answer.
“It won’t be long before you are left behind.”
Han Sooyoung just glared at the professor who seemed so intent on berating her. Why did she pick such a low-tier college and with professors to match she wondered.
As Han Sooyoung got up to leave, the professor called on last time; “Oh and please, do not hesitate to take your grades and your frustrations to the dean, I’d love the opportunity to vent.”
With that Han Sooyoung was finally able to leave, and she made sure that she slammed the door as she did. That earned her a look from the office on the other side of the hall, not that she cared in the slightest.
As she walked through what was essentially the waiting room she felt the curious eyes of the other students who were waiting to see who was next, but all they would be met with was an angry glare as she marched out of the building.
Even in the deepest moment of anger at the verbal lashing she got, there was no doubt in her mind where she was going right now.
There was one thing that Han Sooyoung held above all else, and it was her escape from the often disappointing world around her, and that was writing.
She was heading directly across the campus to her dorm, one that she had all to herself because while she had once had a roommate she didn’t last long, complaining about her attitude, the fact that she would often be up late into the night writing, or that she would often set many alarms for when the morning finally came. When that first roommate left there was no one to take her place, and Han Sooyoung was glad for it.
—
Han Sooyoung sat down by her desk, the lights of her dorm were off and the only light in the room was from the setting sun and her laptop before her.
Her dorm room was on the eighth-floor, and it was small. It was new to Han Sooyoung but to her surprise she enjoys it, even if she suspects it is only for its novelty. Her childhood home and then later in her life her mother’s house were both big free-standing houses that were very similar to each other.
Had she been longing for a change of circumstance for a long time? She was surprised that she really liked what she initially thought was an unbearably modest room.
Han Sooyoung liked the view, she liked feeling like she was above everyone and everything. That she was out of the world’s reach, that there was no one who could pull her out of her own internal worlds.
Even the relatively cramped nature was kind of nice, though Han Sooyoung sometimes chided this as her being childish.
Her life at university had not been everything that she thought it would be. She was disappointed by her classes, her program, and most recently and the easiest to detest; her profs. Despite all that when she started to write none of that really mattered.
When Han Sooyoung started to write, the world around her would quiet, and be peaceful. Not just the world outside herself, but even within, when she started to write her mind was focused entirely on what was before her. The stories she wanted to pursue, the characters, how they interacted with one another, how there were opportunities for character expression and development and so much more. When she was deep in thought, when she was so deeply focused on what she loved, she never had to worry about her mind swaying. Han Sooyoung never had to think about the things bothering her, the things that made her sad.
Most of all, when Han Sooyoung wrote she was truly herself, no walls, no masks.
It is ironic then that she wrote anonymously. It is ironic then that she was writing to no one, her work, “Three Ways to Survive in a Ruined World” could not keep a reader no matter how hard Han Sooyoung tried.
But right now that didn’t matter.
—
Han Sooyoung had not been paying attention to the passage of time as she wrote, but of all things she was taken out of her trance from a notification on her phone of all things.
Han Sooyoung was picky with her settings, there were not many things that she allowed her phone to give her notifications of, it was mainly notifications from her only “whitelisted” contact in her mother, and notifications from the website where she was writing her story.
When she saw the insignia of the writing app’s logo, strange and distinct, a weird fluff-ball like creature with two small horns and a sinister smile, Han Sooyoung was shocked.
It was not common, not for her.
It was more common when she first started her story as the site’s algorithm promoted new stories, alongside the app’s users being curious.
Yet those readers she got in those earlier days didn’t stay, and it had been a long time since she got a notification.
Han Sooyoung unlocked her phone quickly and tapped on the notification banner.
It was a message on one of her more recent chapters.
Each chapter had a designated area for readers to leave their comments, but much to Han Sooyoung’s disappointment almost each and every one was completely empty.
She read it eagerly.
Lone: Thanks for another great chapter.
Wait what?
Everything read weird about this comment, what reader did she have? What was with their weird username? Why comment on this chapter specifically?
Was that just someone doing something random? Someone messing with her? Teasing her unpopular work?
Han Sooyoung looked at the time; it read, much to her dismay that it was just past one in the morning.
Han Sooyoung sighed.
She had lost track of time.
Normally she would not be too bothered by the time and just go back to writing or something else, but she figured that she probably should be getting to sleep.
She had classes in the morning tomorrow, it was only Tuesday, and apparently she needed to attend more of them.
She grimaced and clenched the end of her desk tight when she remembered her professor's words.
Han Sooyoung sighed and decided that she was actually tired and could deal with all of this tomorrow. Quickly she set the five-ish alarms she hoped would be enough to encourage her out of bed in the morning and then tossed the phone down to the carpeted floor uncaringly, after all she could always get another.
Han Sooyoung hopped into her disorganized bed and hoped that it would not take her long to fall asleep.
She would not be so lucky.
There were a lot of things that floated through her mind as she lay there trying to sleep. The most pressing one, despite the fact that she tried to tell herself it was irrelevant, was who that commenter was? Did she have a reader after all?
Notes:
There are aspects of her character that are probably out of character, like her family life and her financial situation, but neither are known, atleast in her early life. I hope that the way I decide to go with them isn't too bothersome.
Han Sooyoung probably comes off as unbelievably arrogant and disrespectful, but I felt that this is kind of necessary to express the boastful, arrogant and stubborn aspects that are very important to her character. There was not a single named character in this chapter other than Han Sooyoung, that was intentional and will change with chapters, as Han Sooyoung gradually warms or investigates her new surroundings.
Chapter Text
“Why aren’t you attending your classes?” Her mother’s voice coming from her phone spoke into Han Sooyoung’s messy room.
The voice was not judging, at least not overtly, but Han Sooyoung could still detect a distinctly mothering tone, but it was secondary. The main thing that Han Sooyoung understood from the voice was genuine curiosity.
“It’s just not what I thought it would be…”
In the very back of Han Sooyoung’s mind she knew that she was lying, not a falsehood but of omission. That she was purposely biting her tongue. Han Sooyoung was upset, but she felt that she couldn’t put it into words
“Don’t let the expectations from your past harm the paths you make in the future. I am glad that I had a studious daughter, one that was so eager to go to university. You spent years to get to this point, give it a little longer.”
Given that she is paying for my education I am awfully glad that she isn’t too bothered by what’s happening.
“... I am definitely not deterred from the one thing I have wanted all my life.”
“Haha, I am glad to hear it. That is the daughter that I have known all my life, but even then I worry that you are still approaching this from the wrong perspective. There is more to these experiences than your professor's lecture.”
The tone had changed, it was a chiding voice now. If it was from anyone else Han Sooyoung would have instantly shut them down and lash out, but she knew her mother too well. This tone of voice, for whatever strange reason, was the one that she used when she was teasing.
She was telling her daughter to go make friends. It was kind of embarrassing to hear. More embarrassing to realize that she might have a point.
“Mom.” Han Sooyoung said in a gruff voice, but gradually slipping away and getting distant.
“You have never brought home a boy, not once. How long are you going to make your poor mother wait?”
Han Sooyoung stared blankly at her phone, her thumb hovering just above the button to hang up and the call.
“Shhhhh, let me be, alright I am going to go.”
“I figured you weren’t going to endure my teasing for much longer, I do hope that you are going to class though.”
Han Sooyoung hung up, and her mother never got her answer.
Han Sooyoung sighed and pulled up her phone, gloomily she found the one screenshot of her schedule that she took on the first week.
She wasn’t making this easy on herself Han Sooyoung thought. Why did she pick out her courses so spread out. The only coherent thing that read in her course selection was making sure that her Fridays stayed open.
Not that had really mattered so far.
She sighed, and looked at the time on her phone.
10:26
Han Sooyoung yawned, she had always liked getting her beauty sleep and that had definitely persisted into her time at university.
She quickly walked across her small room and turned on the mobile coffee maker she had brought with her.
Han Sooyoung had tried to justify waking up earlier today with trying to attend more of her lectures, but that wasn’t really the case and she knew it all along.
She wanted to try and investigate the comment.
Han Sooyoung was confused by it. The app which she wrote on did not show the number of views, not even to the author. Why did they comment now?
She quickly read the chapter, it was from a few weeks back.
—
It was a hard read. She was always the most critical of her own work, though she took great measures to hide that. But this was only a few weeks prior, her writing skills hadn’t changed much. That wasn’t what was bothering her. It was the fact that she seemed to be clearly upset and that had bled into her writing.
Her writing had read as if there was something wrong, that she was upset.
This was right in the second week of her semester where she decided that she wasn’t going to be attending her classes, that she felt that what she thought would be a building block toward the one dream she had pursued all her life, wasn’t worth it.
Her tiredness quickly gave way to a flash of anger and shame, Han Sooyoung realized why this reader had decided to comment on this chapter, it was out of pity.
The anger rushed through Han Sooyoung, most people would be angered at seeing someone treating them carefully, and gently out of pity, and Han Sooyoung was far more intense than most people.
The anger though, did not last, as this realization brought more questions still?
Wait? Her first instinct when she saw that, which might have been a self-depreciative, was that this was just a troll. While the views weren’t visible the number of comments were, and it was clear that her web novel was dead. Yet upon looking at it closer she now wasn’t so sure.
It was too coincidental that if it was a troll that they had picked the one chapter where she was actually feeling dejected.
Did she have a reader? Why hadn’t they commented before this?
Han Sooyoung’s train of thought was momentarily interrupted by the small buzzer on the coffee machine that signaled that it was brewed.
Even as Han Sooyoung poured her second cup of coffee she clearly needed, her thoughts were on the comment.
There was still something bothering her, she had found more information than she would have assumed from just reading the comment but it didn’t seem like there was anything more to find.
It was frustrating.
She had been given a “lead” almost but it ended as quickly as it was found.
But even that wasn’t entirely true was it?
There was an option for her still.
She could reply.
She could just ask.
But Han Sooyoung didn’t want to.
Initially it was because she wanted to maintain the mystique and distance from her readers, but that didn’t last long. She replied to the comments that were left in her earliest chapters.
Yet after that experience she was even more hesitant to reply to comments.
She understood why so many authors kept their distance from their readers, they could be really entitled fucking losers.
That was years ago at this point, and she still remembered it bitterly, and for good reason.
This comment didn’t look like that, but those experiences still soured her to just the thought.
Han Sooyoung closed the app and went back to her photo album. This looked like a dead end, she might as well attend her class now that she was up.
She looked at the course title, and bemoaned it to herself.
What the hell was she doing when she was selecting her courses?
There it was, in just a little under and hour on her Wednesdays: Calculus One.
—
The second that Han Sooyoung walked into the class she felt like she didn’t belong.
Han Sooyoung had very little interest in mathematics, and as a result she was willing to tone down how assertive she was in her lectures and her general approach towards the lecture and the attitudes that the professors took towards their students.
She got to the class a little early, she was a little antsy to get out of her dormitory, she liked it, but she had been cramped up in one area for almost twenty four hours straight.
She took a seat towards the end of a row in what was more or less the middle of the lecture hall.
It was a balancing act.
The closer you were to the front the more likely you were to get called on by the prof, but as a result the further you were in the back the more packed it was.
Han Sooyoung tried to pick a seat that would give her at least a little distance from her peers that she did not know.
It did not take long for that plan to fail, as just a few moments after she took her seat, a group of three came in together, seemingly friends in the manner in which they talked to one another.
There were two boys and a girl, and to Han Sooyoung’s eye it looked like they chose their seat of one person's choice.
One of the boys in the group seemed to be the leader. And in the back of Han Sooyoung’s mind she laughed at this. It wasn’t uncommon for her classmates to try and sit next to her. Or more accurately when she wasn’t known it wasn’t uncommon for them to try and sit next to the mysterious dark haired woman.
“Hey, I think I have seen you in this class before.” The words came from who Han Sooyoung figured was responsible for their seating choice, and him eagerly talking to her only furthered that suspension.
Han Sooyoung quickly looked over at the person talking to her. He was dressed in formal clothes in an informal manner. They were expensive, and she was willing to bet that this guy made a conscious choice to wear things with a high price tag.
The guy had light brown, short hair that was clearly hair blown. He wore a smile that looked genuine but Han Sooyoung found it off putting, it was too perfect, and it didn’t quite reach his light brown eyes.
Han Sooyoung, quickly made a judgment, as she normally did. She realized that she didn’t like the guy talking to her, nor his confidence.
Han Sooyoung also knew that he was lying through his teeth, which definitely didn’t help his case. She knew damn well she hadn't set foot in this class before.
Han Sooyoung smiled at the thought, and that through her “terminal case” of procrastination.
Unfortunately the liar who insisted on talking to her saw her smile, and took it as good sign on his advances.
Despite not getting an answer from his first question he decided to ask another one.
“What’s your program?’
Despite herself Han Sooyoung found herself answering, after all if there was one thing that Han Sooyoung would be willing to talk about regardless of circumstances or company it would be writing.
“Bachelor of fine arts for creative writing.”
Upon hearing her answer, the smile changed, it turned into a jeer, he slipped up only for a second but Han Sooyoung saw it.
Han Sooyoung saw and it and pissed her off.
“Haha what the hell are you doing in this calculus class then? It’s supposed to be for people like me with programs in engineering and other courses that need math.”
“Maybe I am just here to remind people like you that the things that make you all so special, they’re imagined.”
That got a laugh out of the guy who was talking to her, not a genuinely amused one.
This laughter was loud. Both of them had forgotten where they were.
“You two, come to the front of the lecture hall right now.”
And then they were reminded.
Han Sooyoung had sat down before the prof had walked into the room, but she hadn’t been paying any attention to the room nor who had walked into it.
She looked up, and saw an angry prof, balding, with bushy eyebrows and beard.
She quickly stepped up and walked towards the front of the class, followed by the idiot who got the attention who stumbled forward.
“Would either of the two of you like to explain what I was trying to teach to the class before you interrupted me?”
Han Sooyoung scanned the crowd before her, most of the class's eyes were on them, eager to watch what the two idiots were going to have to do.
Though there was one set, one who probably like her had tried not to be noticed, although to far greater success, and his eyes were noticeably more sympathetic
Then she looked at the board that held what the professor was talking about. Han Sooyoung knew in an instant that she didn’t know what it was, despite that she kept her confident facade on.
The idiot whose laugh got the prof’s attention wasn’t so diligent. His face fell, visibly so, that Han Sooyoung let out a quiet snicker, a mistake, but thankfully one that was covered up by many other people doing something similar.
The prof noticed such a clear sign of weakness chose him.
“You, introduce yourself to the class and explain what is on the board. I do it every single class, but clearly you don’t find it very impressive. So it must not be very hard.” The prof demanded from the shaking student, who despite coming off as quite arrogant before clearly did not like public speaking.
“... So this is a …”
Han Sooyoung quickly tuned out what he was saying and tried to come up with a way out of this for her.
It was clear that the engineering degenerate, who she was called up with, didn’t know, but he also struck her as someone who actually attended classes.
Meaning that this might actually just be the introduction to the topic.
There might be two ways out here, either be good enough to know your stuff
Or
A smile formed on Han Sooyoung’s lips as she realized where she was probably getting this line of thinking from, her getting chewed out by another professor just another day earlier.
“My students are progressing, and they are improving, and you aren’t.”
Han Sooyoung quickly looked at the crowd again, it was a huge lecture hall, and the class size matched, at least two-hundred, at the very least.
She could easily pull off a lie.
It didn’t take long before the first victim was pretty thoroughly defeated, clearly really embarrassed, even then she saw his eyes turn to her and wait. Probably thinking that the only thing that he would be able to salvage would be seeing her going through the same thing.
She smirked, but discreetly and not enough that the prof could see it.
“Well how about you, can you explain it?”
“No, I cannot, this topic was just introduced in the very beginning of this class, sir. I apologize for distracting the class.” Han Sooyoung quickly replied.
“That was not my question, I asked you if you could explain what is on the board to the class.”
“I can’t prof-
Shit what was his name, it was there, on the schedule it showed the name right below the course code.
What was it?
Han Sooyoung thought quickly, trying to conjure the best possible mental picture of her schedule.
The prof was a foreigner.
He was russian?
Lebedev?
“- Lebedev, and that is by design. A good student is not defined by commencing at a state of great capacity, but by having the propensity to learn and through that constantly applying what is taught by those who stand at those great means now.” Han Sooyoung finished quickly, knowing that she shouldn’t give a second for anyone to jump in.
It was bullshit, she knew that perfectly well, but she liked the words, and was willing to bet a professor would too. After all she had heard them, she had it layed it clearly in front of her, to clearly establish how she was the exact fucking opposite of what she needed to be to be successful.
Even then it wasn’t really for the prof or avoiding his wrath, more for saving face in front of the class. But she was confident that might be able to do both.
Finally the prof signed, looking at the analog clock on the wall.
“We have wasted enough time, this class” Tapping the chalkboard “Matrices, will be following you throughout your academic and professional careers, you all need to listen because clearly none of you know it yet.”
“You two sit back down, any further disruptions will see either thrown out in an instant.”
Han Sooyoung finally breathed out, surprised as she hadn’t even realized that she had been holding her breath.
She quickly walked back down the lecture hall back to her seat. Her new seat.
She had taken her bag with her when she had been called up.
She knew where she was sitting.
That guy she noticed when she was standing at the front of the class, the one who was sitting in more or less the middle, pretty close to where she had originally sat, except the other side of the room.
He was slouched over his seat, and staring at the laptop in front of him. His hair was black and was cut in to a medium length in a low maintenance style that had it just fall down on his forehead right before his eyes.
Han Sooyoung couldn’t see his eyes now, but she saw them for an instant when she was up at the front, and that was what got her attention. They were thoughtful, not in a purely gentle way, but in an analytical way. Like a reader.
Han Sooyoung knew that the dumbass who got them called up to the prof sat down next to her because she caught her eye, she disliked how vain it was, his arrogance, but here she was; about to do the same thing.
Han Sooyoung got to the row and clearly positioned herself like she was trying to get a seat, as the man sat down on the furthest one.
He looked up again, and when he did Han Sooyoung grinned, for two reasons.
One she thought looked pretty but that was in a quick glance at distance, and now up close she saw she was right.
Secondly was his reaction, a mix between what the fuck are you doing and why me.
At her smile he probably saw his defeat and pulled in to let her pass into the row. That and he, and likely everyone else in the class right now wouldn’t want to make a scene
Han Sooyoung took a seat leaving one free between the two of them as when there was enough seats in lecture hall breaking that courtesy would always seem deliberate.
—
The rest of the class passed quickly and without incident.
Han Sooyoung had tried to follow what was taught in the class, but mathematics had never been one of her interests, and apparently that hadn’t changed.
Further she realized that she was being anxious and nervous about what had happened in the class. She acted boldly, and for a while it hadn’t bothered her, but now she realized that it must’ve only been an adrenaline high.
If there was ever a class that I would be willing to drop, it would be this one. There’s that at least. Han Sooyoung thought dejectedly as the class closed.
She moved to put her stuff away, as did everyone else. That included the dude next to her, but all of a sudden he stopped, and looked at her.
“I think you are kind of insane, but that was pretty cool.” He said quietly.
The words broke Han Sooyoung out of her daze. Not knowing what to say, she blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“What do you mean you think I am kind of insane.” Han Sooyoung said through a smile, it might have been her falling into old habits, but it wasn’t meant to be adversarial, it was just the only way Han Sooyoung really knew how to continue a conversation.
He deadpanned, but Han Sooyoung could tell it wasn’t entirely genuine. Maybe he was playing along. “Most people don’t find themselves called to the front of the class, and more people still don’t look at such ease explaining themselves.”
“Why wouldn’t I be at ease?” Han Sooyoung followed up.
At that he raised an eyebrow. He really did seem expressive with his facial expressions, which Han Sooyoung would not have guessed.
“Because you were lying through your teeth?” Despite the words initially striking a cord that instantly put Han Sooyoung in a defensive state, it quickly dissipated, it wasn’t an angry voice. It was an insight, and it was right.
“How’d you know?”
“Our professor's name is not Lebedev.” He said with a laugh, and quickly went to the room.
SHIT.
Han Sooyoung quickly went to follow him. Not even risking looking at the front and being confronted by the prof who apparently knew she was lying that whole time.
“Wait, are you being serious!?”
He just nodded trying not to laugh.
“What’s his name?”
“Ivanovich”
…
“Fuck.”
He just shrugged, not teasing her or anything. In a second Han Sooyoung realized that this was worse, it was dismissive and he was leaving.
“Wait, speaking of names, what's yours?”
“... what’s yours?”
Han Sooyoung replied easily “Han Sooyoung” It was a pretty name, it fit her, and it was unique, there was nothing that she could dislike about it.
“What’s with the caution?” Han Sooyoung tried to play it off with a laugh.
“You are terrifying.”
Han Sooyoung made a show of waiting for an answer.
“My name’s Kim Dokja.”
—
Han Sooyoung sat in her dorm, the lights off, staring at her laptop. She was on the writing app she used.
This was the most consistent part of her entire life, this routine. Yet today there was something different, because she wasn’t writing, she was just staring, lost in thought.
She wasn’t even looking at her writing.
She was looking at the most recent comment.
Han Sooyoung could not get it out of her head.
The possibility that might have a reader all along.
She was torn between asking and potentially learning, and her negative experiences in the past.
Maybe it was like the seats in the class today, Han Sooyoung thought absentmindedly.
Letting people come up to you was them selecting, choose to sit next to someone was you selecting.
If it is a troll or a loser I can always just ignore the response.
Fuck.
Quickly Han Sooyoung wrote out a reply.
Thank you for the comment, how have you enjoyed reading this series.
Han Sooyoung quickly pressed send before she could overthink it.
Her comment was quick and pedestrian, she was trying to ask the question she needed to know without looking vulnerable, and because of that it was worded strangely.
She didn’t want to ask straight out if they were a reader, because that might seem like she thinks that is strange.
As her prof, Ivanovich or something, had said only today, when describing certain variables, some are just assumed to be given, they don’t have to be proven, just take them and run with it.
She would take a good-faith reader as given.
Han Sooyoung was going to assume that this commenter was genuine.
Maybe it was just putting up a wall, and hiding behind it.
Han Sooyoung realized that she had been doing this for a long time, just taking it as given that everyone wasn’t genuine and maybe she was wrong.
If she was going to test them she would have to be proactive.
—--
Han Sooyoung tried to write that night, but much to her frustration she found it difficult, her mind was too focused on what had occurred during the day.
If this was recurring she was going to be pissed, but for one night, she didn’t need to worry.
Han Sooyoung decided to just call it a day, and end on a good note before she started over thinking everything.
Notes:
Hope nothing in this chapter feels too forced. Han Sooyoung, and especially Kim Dokja strongly trend towards being extroverted, and it makes it kind of hard for either of them to get to meet and know one another.
Han Sooyoung's reaction to the first guy is a little over the top, the idea was that she has habitualized herself to viewing most people's intentions as disingenuous, and while he wasn't malicious, he was still putting on an act.
This predisposition to viewing others in the worst light does not apply to her own actions, which leads to her viewing the interactions far more favourably when she initiates it. This will be going forward with her being more and more proactive. Specifically the driving force in her dynamics with this Kim Dokja.
Is this fair, nope. Is it egotistical, kinda, and because of that I can see Han Sooyoung acting in such a manner.
What is Han Sooyoung doing in a Calculus one class you ask, she wasn't paying attention. That may sound ridiculous, but from personal experience it is very possible.
Why she is so stubborn to admit it, she is insane and very proud of it, simple as :D
Chapter Text
Han Sooyoung’s ears perked up.
Han Sooyoung just kept her head down and tried to not make it clear that she was listening in.
She was in her intro to calculus, it was one of the few classes that she would try and go out of her way to still attend from the october point of the semester, and ironically it was probably the one class she might as well be ignoring.
Han Sooyoung had carefully chosen her seat; it was an adjacent column to where Dokja was sitting, but a row back from Kim Dokja.
In all honesty that was the only criteria.
She had been consistently attending the twice a week lectures for the calculus course, the most consistently of all the courses.
She tried to find moments to talk to him each class, she was usually able to and they were able to establish a dialogue.
From time to time it would even be initiated by Kim Dokja, who Han Sooyoung observed to be a very reserved and introverted individual.
It should be a good sign to her, progress at the very least.
Despite this she felt out of place talking to him.
It was anxiety and a sense of self-consciousness that felt almost entirely alien to her.
Despite it not being normal to her and feeling entirely out of place, she was not immune to it’s muting effects.
She had specifically chosen to sit a row back, too worried and self-conscious to sit any closer and be noticed.
It was frustrating to her to have this barrier, this influence on her actions that she couldn’t entirely isolate nor totally understand.
It was worse that Kim Dokja seemed to notice her restraint, the weirdness of her behaviour. This compounded upon itself, it was weirder still that Han Sooyoung recognized it, and even more so that she couldn’t really explain this.
Han Sooyoung was experiencing something that she would normally never even think of conceding, that she was out of her depth.
It pissed her off.
Yet the only thing that she could do was seethe.
So here she was, listening to someone else talk to Kim Dokja while she sat there silently trying to look like she wasn’t listening.
“Me and all my flatmates are throwing a Halloween party, and we are trying to get as many people there as possible.” the girl talking to Kim Dokja asked with a friendly voice.
“Are you seriously trying to get as big of a party as possible?” Kim Dokja asked genuinely.
“Eh, kinda, I will concede it is a kind of stupid idea,.. Yet there is actual benefit: it makes it really easy to talk and invite people, "she said playfully, and winked at Kim Dokja.
“I have to go to my next class, but don't forget my invitation, we have like a whole quarter of the 6th floor of Hyeon Hall apartment and our RA is a slacker who could not bring herself to care. It will be fun.” She said with a wave, walking away, before Kim Dokja could reply.
Han Sooyoung was watching her, she did not just walk away, she walked away quickly. She was acting almost shy, as if she had built up some courage to talk and was eager to make a get-away before it wore off.
Han Sooyoung was analyzing the girl as she walked away, the girl looked back for just a second, and she noticed Han Sooyoung’s intent to observe, and when she did, she scowled, just for a second.
It was probably a slip-up.
As far as Han Sooyoung knew, although she would admit she would probably be the worst possible judge of this, they had never interacted before, nor had any classes.
The girl was probably just going off context clues and intuition, vibes; saying that they were competition.
Han Sooyoung, after all, experienced the same exact thing.
Han Sooyoung just rolled her eyes and pulled out her laptop and her notebooks and despite herself tried to focus on the class in front of her.
It would give her time to think about what she had just seen happen.
Maybe she would be able to build up enough courage of her own to actually make her own move.
She was willing to bet that despite the fact that the girl and her friends wanted a party with as many people there, that one at least wouldn't let her in.
…
Lost in her thoughts and schemes Han Sooyoung only realised that the class had ended when she heard the sound of everyone packing up their stuff.
Han Sooyoung shook herself from her daze and looked at the time in the corner of her laptop, 1:32.
Wow, an hour and twenty minutes had just passed and all Han Sooyoung had done was stare at a blank screen.
In the screen, the google home tab with an empty spacebar, Han Sooyoung could see her reflection in the screen, it looked like she was pouting and her brow was creased.
She rolled her eyes at her lowly state, tried to unscrunch her face, and followed suit of her classmates.
She quickly packed up the things and began to leave the class.
“Was the class really that bad?”
Han Sooyoung quickly turned to face the question, recognizing the voice.
She turned and saw Kim Dokja, his bag slung over his back talking to her, curiosity in the voice, with a slight tinge of teasing.
It confused her for a second. What was he talking about?
Then it clicked.
Her face, her frustration it was clearly visible and apparently noticed.
But not accurately understood, he thought it was the lecture.
And she would do nothing to clarify it.
“I have no clue what just happened in this class.”
“I can clearly see that written across your face” he said with a laugh, one that Han Sooyoung realized was at her expense but there was no hostility behind it and she found she wasn’t bothered.
“If it makes you feel better I am pretty sure that you aren’t alone in your suffering in this class, there are a lot of people who are wearing that ‘what just happened’ face”. Kim Dokja
“People were probably distracted and looking forward to their halloween.”
“Yeah the prof will probably need to cover everything over again next lecture.”
“Oh thank god.” Han Sooyoung said with a tint of melodrama.
“Wait, were you counting yourself among those who are distracted by their Halloween plans?”
“Why the hell does that question sound so surprised?” Han Sooyoung replied fast, genuinely a little surprised.
“... You don’t strike me as particularly social..” Kim Dokja replied floundering.
Han Sooyoung simply narrowed her eyes.
“You think that no one would invite me, that everyone who might invite me I have already pissed off, huh?”
“Yup.”
“What about you, do you think that you will be doing anything this Halloween?” Han Sooyoung asked, trying to make the question come off as easy and uninterested, hoping that how intently she was listening wasn’t noticed.
“Uh, surprisingly I think I will be, it’s definitely not my scene but I already get harassed by my roommate for never leaving my dorm but for once my excuse of having nowhere better to be might not actually be true.”
Han Sooyoung tried to make sure that her reaction wasn’t on her face, but in her head she was slightly upset at what she was hearing.
She was cataloguing what's more she learned about Kim Dokja in their conversation;
He was shy and reserved, and if he had his way he would stick to himself.
Han Sooyoung was weirdly proud that her assumptions had been largely proven true.
“Well since it looks like halloween parties are going to be foreign to me, tell me all about next week.”
“Damn, now I feel bad.” Kim Dokja replied dryly.
“You should.” Han Sooyoung replied in a similar tone sticking out her tongue and getting a smile.
…..
Han Sooyoung sat in her dark room, normally it would be pretty quiet, but that was not the case tonight.
She stared at the light coming through the crack underneath her door, and the shadows of footsteps going past.
The hallway was just crawling with people who were partying this halloween, going to a party, or talking about a party.
It was bustling.
It was alive.
Han Sooyoung could imagine the energy of the world outside her seeping through underneath the door, forming tendrils of light.
They searched for her.
They webbed the room.
Han Sooyoung’s dorm, her quiet cocooned sanctuary had these golden cracks that were racing towards her, and the environment was seconds from shattering.
It was fucking miserable.
To be tempted and teased so.
It felt as though it could be so close, but Han Sooyoung knew that it was so far away.
It was familiar and learnt from experience that when you thought something was really close, that it was just within reach that it could be so devastating to see it slip through your fingers.
Han Sooyoung really hadn’t done much writing recently.
She had conflicted feelings about it.
There was an opportunity cost to all things, and the more Han Sooyoung got absorbed in her writing the more withdrawn she was within herself.
The worst thing was when she was trapped between two options.
Han Sooyoung thought of a saying she heard when she was young: A horse stuck between two bodies of water will die of thirst.
It was awful, and it was stupid and ineffective to just sit here undecided between the two options.
Han Sooyoung sighed, looking at the light slipping through beneath the door.
….
Han Sooyoung knew that she was acting audaciously, even for her.
Inviting herself to a party, one that she didn’t know the hosts, nor anyone attending it, bar one and even he didn’t know that she was planning on coming.
But there was one thing that was definitely working for her she thought with a smirk looking at the reflection in the mirror; it was a halloween party.
It was a nice piece of luck that the one day she wanted to go to a party like was the one where she could hide her identity.
Kim Dokja said that she was being chased by the consequences of making enemies everywhere she went, and he was certainly not wrong on that account, but she wasn’t given proper credit on what she would be willing to outrun them.
She looked at the reflection in the mirror and smiled.
She liked her idea for the costume.
Chrollo Lucifer.
The most distinct feature that she noticed was the dark slicked back hair, her hair was the perfect colour, and while quite a bit longer than the actual it fit her unique approach to the look.
She was wearing one of her white button up dress shirts, black dress pants with a tie that was just loosely tied around her neck to match the look.
For the sparse occasion where she would have to wear more formal attire Han Sooyoung had always preferred pants and shirts rather than dresses, so her costume choice was right up her alley.
The hardest part was the weird suction cup looking earrings, but they were central to the look, and thankfully she had seen such a pair that looked similar enough that they had actually spurned the idea.
The last thing that was needed was the cross-stylized tattoo of Chrollo on her forehead, for that she drew with a shaky hand and some of her eye-liner.
It wasn’t perfect, but Han Sooyoung really liked it, and with that she had a little more confidence and went out the door.
Han Sooyoung was unsure what she was getting into, but at least she knew the address.
…
It did not take long to find Hyeon hall. It was a residence on campus after all.
But that wasn’t why she found it so quickly. It was not the location, but how many people seemed to be going there.
There seemed to be a natural congregation around the building, the night was busy with people walking around, students that were eager to celebrate halloween.
Han Sooyoung felt somewhat uncomfortable with the fact that she would be counting herself among them.
But she was here, and it would be embarrassing to turn back now.
Despite the fact that she was chanting this like a mantra to herself she began to go over her plan again and again and realized that there were definitely some flaws with it.
The most pressing of them all being there were a lot more people than she expected, she had really underestimated the scale of this party.
How was she going to find him?
Han Sooyoung looked around, there were a lot of people milling about in concrete laid areas that surrounded the building like everywhere else in the campus.
There were people coming and going, people clearly in groups with their friends, and there seemed to be people in a similar situation to her, uncertain and by their lonesome.
It was dark and a little cold at this time of day in October.
Kim Dokja probably would have gone in already.
—
Han Sooyoung quickly made it to the elevator, and it looked like she wasn’t alone in the idea, as there was a crowd there.
She scanned it and didn’t see the face she was looking for.
Thankfully on the ground floor there was a large area that half resembled a school cafeteria, though it looked like the only things available would be from vending machines, and a waiting room.
Subconsciously she removed herself from the crowded area and took a seat in a room against the wall.
She pulled out her phone and began to type.
What the hell am I doing?
It was shocking even to her how quickly she could revert to her writing mode, at the cost of paying attention to the world around her.
She put away her phone.
Trying to distract herself while waiting for the crowd in the elevator to clear she scanned the area, trying to stay in the moment rather than getting lost in her thoughts.
She scanned the room quickly.
Suddenly something caught Han Sooyoung’s eye.
It was confusing, because it was mundane, someone in a dark hoodie and terrible posture, they were hunched over a phone just as she was a second ago.
Han Sooyoung was confused as to why they in particular had caught her eye.
Maybe it was because she was in a similar position just a second ago.
Yet Han Sooyoung normally did not equate anyone being similar to her as a good sign, if anything it was the opposite.
That wasn’t why.
She sighed and walked over.
Mumbling quietly to herself: “Well if I am wrong this is going to be fucking awkward”.
Han Sooyoung quietly took a seat across the table.
She was already past the point of no return Han Sooyoung thought dryly, If she was wrong it would be awkward enough taking a seat and then just leaving.
“I could have sworn you said you were going to attend a party.”
The hooded figure looked up, surprised.
Seeing the face Han Sooyoung smiled.
Her hunch had been right.
She saw Kim Dokja look up surprised, Han Sooyoung was in a costume after all.
Then quickly there was a clear sign of recognition that flashed across his face, which Han Sooyoung liked, and even more when he smiled and was visibly more comfortable.
“How did you even find me?” Kim Dokja asked.
“I honestly do not know, my spidey sense went off. I can't explain it.” Han Sooyoung replied earnestly, it was honest, or at least half so. Han Sooyoung obviously didn’t share that she had set off to try and find him.
“I like your costume, you are Chrollo Lucifer right?”
“Correction I am Chrollo Lucifier if he was really fucking hot.” Han Sooyoung said boldly, obviously in jest but quietly acknowledging to herself that there was a little more to it than that.
Kim Dokja laughed and rolled her eyes. Han Sooyoung bit her lip and smiled at the result.
He was more fun outside of class.
Han Sooyoung, feeling even bolder from her recent success, was eager to keep the conversation going.
She obviously looked him over, he didn’t look like he was in costume for the party.
“Are you in costume or anything?”
“Uhh no, I wasn’t really sure if I was supposed to… and what I really wanted to go as would be way too niche to be recognizable.” Kim Dokja responded.
Han Sooyoung thought that Kim Dokja was acting more shy and anxious than usual in his response here and decided not to pry.
“I guess I can sympathize, most of the choice is for it to be recognizable and fun, but I really think you should get in a costume.”
Kim Dokja listened but didn’t look convinced.
“It doesn’t have to be hard to make or obtrusive, even the smallest effort costume would be a huge improvement.”
“Alright, you sold me on low investment.” Kim Dokja said.
“I'll take it, but that's a little surprising to me.”
“The things I choose tend to be all consuming, so I have learned to become a little pickier. It is a survival method.”
“All right, in the interest of being lazy I think it makes sense for you to pick a character/thing that is recognizable but with black hair and can explain wearing more or less normal clothes” Han Sooyoung rattled off a very basic but also simple guidelines for a character.
“...”
“Are you telling me you seriously can’t think of any costume or character that can match that description?” Han Sooyoung teased.
“I honestly can’t, help me.”
Han Sooyoung looked him over, the clearest thing was the black hoodie, it would suit well enough for most edgy characters. It clearly wasn’t what Kim Dokja was going for, probably just comfy and safe, it was pretty commonly associated with the edgy character archetype.
“I am thinking of an edgy character, which doesn’t really suit you, but you can just say that the irony is part of the idea.”
“That sounds smart, and I am going to a hundred percent take your word for it but I am still at a loss for a character.”
“You are hopeless.” Han Sooyoung teased, racking her head for a suitable idea.
“Old news.” Kim Dokja said with a smile and Han Sooyoung found herself laughing.
“The first thing that pops to my mind is Feitan or whatever he is called, but just the edgy sword guy in the phantom troupe, but the reason is probably just thinking of it because of the connection to Chrollo in all honesty.”
“That sounds perfectly fine with me.”
Han Sooyoung paused and reconsidered.
“Maybe this wasn’t a good suggestion.” Han Sooyoung offered hesitantly.
“Why the change of course?”
“I didn’t fully consider it, it would be pretty close to having matching costumes.”
“I think you might be forgetting that my one criteria was that it was low effort, I am fine with it.”
“Alright if you say so” Han Sooyoung said with a smile.
There was a little conflict, most of her was happy that he wasn’t embarrassed or bothered, but there was a little voice in her head saying that he might truly not care.
Han Sooyoung pulled out her phone and quickly opened up a search tab and searched up: Hxh Feitan and showed the photos to Kim Dokja with a smirk.
“Looks like all you need is another piece of clothing to act as the bandana.”
Kim Dokja laughed and made a face.
“Why does he look so sassy?”
“Because he is, I think there are probably three major characteristics of your costume, being emo, small, and sassy. All of which you seem like you are not, so you have any easy answer to any questions you will be asked, it's supposed to be ironic.”.
“You seem to have quite a strong opinion on some of my characteristics?” Kim Dokja asked with a hint of amusement.
“I am a good judge of character, what can I say?”
“At the very least you are a confident judge of character.” Kim Dokja interjected helpfully.
“Anyways, having irony and other conflicting aspects is always an easy way to get interest.” Han Sooyoung replied, noticing halfway that her answer here was slipping into her author mode.
“Alright, but what do I call the costumes if anyone asks.”
“Thats easy, fem Chrollo -”
“Are you forgetting that it is supposed to be a particularly hot one too.” Kim Dokja interjected with a smirk.
Han Sooyoung felt caught off guard.
She felt her cheeks heat up a little bit, it wasn’t even so much the compliment, but the evidence that he had really been paying attention to her words, even those of empty boast.
Han Sooyoung quickly shook herself out of her little daze and returned the smirk.
“That is right, how could I forget I am Chrollo Lucifer but ten times hotter” Getting a light roll of the eyes from Kim Dokja, “And you are Feitan if he had a good upbringing, you know less malnutrition and emoness you know.”
That last piece really got a laugh from Kim Dokja.
Han Sooyoung found herself surprised by the reaction.
That laugh wasn’t what she had come to expect from Kim Dokja, it was somehow empty and heavy simultaneously to her ears.
It looked as if it surprised Kim Dokja himself.
Han Sooyoung observed him intently.
She had been wrong, her assumptions of him were incorrect.
Han Sooyoung thought that Kim Dokja was shy, reserved.
Seeing this she realized that it wasn’t the case, at least not entirely. It was a mask, or a wall, at least to some extent.
He tries to keep a plain and neutral appearance.
Yet Han Sooyoung hadn’t been able to recognize that it was an effort, rather than a nature until she saw the effort fail, even if it was just for an instant.
She hadn’t imagined that there might be a mask until she saw it slip from his face.
Han Sooyoung didn’t care much that it meant her assumptions had been wrong after all.
Han Sooyoung looked directly at Kim Dokja and caught his eyes;
“You’re different outside of class, you know? Less quiet.”
That just got a quiet shake of the head from Kim Dokja.
“That was a compliment.” Han Sooyoung huffed lightly.
Kim Dokja straightened out. He quickly regained some composure.
He looked at the picture on her phone of his reference.
“Irony is good?”.
Han Sooyoung just nodded emphatically at the question, she sensed that there was something going on here she wasn’t aware of.
A mental image flashed across her eyes, trying to calm a startled deer.
“If it makes you feel better, you're not the one who should be worried, you got invited, I didn't, I am going to be crashing the party.” Han Sooyoung said with a mischievous smile.
Finally that got through whatever was tugging at and troubling Kim Dokja.
He gave her a ‘you’re insane’ look but it came with a smile.
“Come on, let's go, it will be fun, it will be fine.” Han Sooyoung said as she returned the smile.
Notes:
Sorry about the little break between the chapters, the next one shouldn't take as long (Hopefully).
The significance of the relationship and interactions between Doksoo are picking up in this chapter, and through that they are showing more aspects of their character, but also how I am interpreting it, because of that I worried a little bit about the clarity of the writing but hopefully its not too indecipherable.More or less what I was going for:HSY is loud and brazen, but despite this she is still subconsciously realizes that she is vulnerable, and even deeper denied is constantly looking for encouragement. KDJ seems entirely introverted, especially in his hobbies (or more accurately hobby singular) but he in ORV explicitly would rather be with others and is a very social person, constantly acting proactively for the sake of the group, often just to ensure the group stays together, which is my justification for the interpretation of KDJ with a pretty big 'wannabe social butterfly' streak. HSY encourages and nurtures the social qualities she sees, and is trying to learn more, she is intently observing and listening to him, and in doing so drops her protective shield of being loud and brazen enough to convince everyone to stay away. KDJ's reclusive state right now isn't as introspectively understood as HSY's, and because of that it is dropped far more often, but he puts that mask on subconsciously just as fast. KDJ is haunted by ghosts of unpleasant circumstances and experiences past that he carries with him, but does not realize it.
(Just as I write this I realize that a lot of this is probably not very well communicated, whoops I will trying to establish this more and more throughout)By the end of the chapter both characters are pretty sure that the other character is interested/flirting with them, and they (especially Han Sooyoung) reciprocated it.
Side note: the character that KDJ "was wanting to dress up as but decided was way to niche" was of course Yoo Joonghyuk.
Why the Hunter hunter costumes/cosplay? By chance I saw a girl cosplaying as Chrollo on my FYP and for some reason thought Han Sooyoung could pull that off, and I am absolutely convinced that she would think similarly.
Neither of them have ever watched or read the series, both just recognize/absorbed it through 'social culture osmosis'The next chapter will be picking up right where this one ends off.
Chapter 4
Summary:
Han Sooyoung is thirsty and insane.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Han Sooyoung and Kim Dokja entered the elevator, even after all the time she had spent talking to Dokja it was still just as busy as it had been when she had first arrived.
Yet perplexingly to her now it did not bother her as it did just minutes earlier.
“I know it’s the sixth floor, but I am not familiar with any of these layouts or anything so I’ll be following you.” Han Sooyoung quietly alerted Kim Dokja.
The elevator went up the floors.
“Why do you think I do? Still, I don’t think it will be too hard to find.”
With that the elevator dinged at the sixth floor. It was noticeably louder than any of the other floors had been.
“Just follow the sound?” Kim Dokja offered.
“If that fails just follow the people I guess.” Han Sooyoung said, noticing that the elevator had hardly changed from the group gathered on the first floor but the second they got to the sixth floor they all spilled out.
Han Sooyoung smiled and strided out, looking behind her, just making absolutely certain that Kim Dokja was following.
He followed, stepped out of the elevator, a nervous smile on his face.
Han Sooyoung watched the doors close behind him.
She was transfixed on them, it hit something in her author brain, superimposing dramatic scenes into her everyday life.
How often doors closed behind them, leaving only the path ahead.
Han Sooyoung shook her head, and stopped looking behind her.
…
Kim Dokja had pulled just ahead of Han Sooyoung and she jogged a step to catch him before setting back into a comfortable stride.
“Wow look at you go now, what happened to you needing encouragement?” Han Sooyoung asked.
All that got her was a quiet shake of the head.
Han Sooyoung asked that question but she knew the answer, she felt it too, it was intriguing, and it was so close. It would be insane not to check it out now.
They rounded the corner, following the people and the noise.
That’s when they saw the party.
Theoretically there was nothing to constitute where the party began, nor any border, no threshold, but it wasn’t needed, it was clear.
It was packed.
She heard cheering from a cause she couldn’t see, music drowning out the conversations, and of course the ambient background noise of the little groups raising their voices to be heard over it all.
There were people in groups all over the place, crowding the hallways, spilling out of different rooms, one of the closest doors she could see a table set up with the iconic red plastic cups, which explained the drinks in everyone’s hands.
Han Sooyoung thought back to the conversation that she had listened in on, the girl talking about how it was a group decision and plan, and it was clear to see now the party was stretched across the entire hallway, going into rows of dorms, all the doors open and on both sides of the of it too.
Han Sooyoung felt a little overwhelmed, but she forced on a light smile and snuck a look at Kim Dokja beside her, he didn’t look bothered by the circumstances in the slightest.
As she crossed the first dorms that were included in the party she faltered, just for a second.
The easy stride that she had been keeping with Dokja broke for a second and he pulled up just ahead.
Han Sooyoung anxiously thought that she needed to catch up to him, it would be almost impossible to find him again here.
Yet she found that she couldn’t really move, Her body was being stubborn.
Or maybe it was her mind.
Han Sooyoung realized now that she was nervous, after all she had a better reason to be nervous than probably anyone here, she was willing to bet that she wasn’t wanted, that she would stumble across someone she had slighted, and of course with certainty she knew that she hadn’t been invited.
She was not normally someone to be bothered by such things but even that, even she had her limits, it would be humiliating to be kicked out, despite all the noise she knew that everyone's eyes would fall on her should it happen.
She looked down at the ground before her in frustration.
She steeled herself, if she waited too long her choice would be made for her, Kim Dokja would be lost in the crowd.
She looked up.
Han Sooyoung quickly blinked in surprise.
Kim Dokja hadn’t gone in ahead, Han Sooyoung looked up; he was simply watching her quietly, with a concerned expression.
“What?” Han Sooyoung said with a raised voice, quickly she dialed back realising she was being defensive at her weakness in this moment, and thankful that it probably was at least somewhat hidden by the need to speak louder to breakthrough the noise around them.
Kim Dokja wasn’t really surprised by her reaction. “I am just waiting for you.” He said simply.
Han Sooyoung found her stride again.
—
Han Sooyoung and Kim Dokja were walking around the party.
There were people talking in what seemed like there own groups, then there were others talking in huge groups, there were people gathered around the music from a simple speaker, there were people gathered around on the couches.
There was even a small group of people playing fucking spin the bottle, which was personally shocking toHan Sooyoung as she had been absolutely convinced that was the creation of authors for their stories and far too stupid and contrived to ever exist in reality.
I didn’t matter where they went or what they saw, there was one thing that was consistent, Han Sooyoung felt out of place.
It wasn’t really her scene.
She was a little disheartened by that.
It would have been a more significant reaction or disappointment to be so disinterested in something so hyped up, in almost any other circumstance.
But not this one.
Because she wasn’t alone in this.
Kim Dokja felt the same exact way.
When they quietly joined one of the larger groups they found when they first entered, it did not take long for Han Sooyoung to realize it wasn’t her scene, and when she did that she was immediately disengaged and her eyes roamed the room.
Sooner than later her eyes fell on Kim Dokja, and his eyes on her, trying to communicate.
It was an anxious message, Han Sooyoung saw a message clear as day in them, “can we please move on’ Han Sooyoung was ecstatic to agree.
Ever since they had been roaming from dorm to dorm down the halls.
They had yet to find something that interested either of them, so they just kept walking around.
Han Sooyoung had no problem with that.
…
As they walked, and increasingly became less and less interested in the party around them Han Sooyoung and Kim Dokja started talking as they walked.
“What’s your program?” Han Sooyoung asked, it made sense to start from where she first met him, that calculus class.
There was a pause, and Kim Dokja made a face, only for an instant and quickly replaced.
“My program is computer science.”
He didn’t sound overly enthusiastic about it, Han Sooyoung was willing to bet that his reaction was caused by that.
“I am wrong in thinking that you aren’t too excited about it? If so why take it.”
“Yeah I am, I have always had a mind for electronics and coding, and I was under the assumption that it would have good employment prospects.”
Han Sooyoung thought of a response to her question, but as she did Kim Dokja spoke up.
“I told you about my program, let me ask you about yours?”
Han Sooyoung had a huge smile at the question, “I am getting a bachelor in fine arts, in the writing program.”
Shit. she thought for a second, she hadn’t thought about her response it was completely honest and her enthusiasm about her program but it might come of as rude and scathing, especially after learning about his feelings to his own program.
Kim Dokja laughed quietly, good natured and genuine. “Finally someone who is happy with their program.”
Han Sooyoung burst out laughing at the delivery, instantly coming up with the mental image Kim Dokja probably was aiming for, of a dejected question poll with tally after tally, and all on the same side: disappointed.
“It’s more that they have just always wanted to be a writer than the fact that I am super satisfied with the program.” Han Sooyoung quickly clarified.
“You really have a passion for writing?” Kim Dokja asked, it was a simple question, almost stupid in it’s simplicity, but Kim Dokja seemed so excited in asking it Han Sooyoung granted him the benefit of the doubt.
It was not uncommon for anyone to take issue with her dreams of becoming an author so it was a sensitive issue for her.
“It has been the only constant in my life.” Han Sooyoung answered quietly, in the deafening noise of the party it would be easily missed but Kim Dokja was listening ardently.
“Fiction or nonfiction.”
“Fiction, never had the stomach or the interest to write anything nonfiction, no matter how creative.”
Following that he was quiet, to the frustration of Han Sooyoung because he asked a question and then didn’t follow up.
She observed him as they walked and she was absolutely certain he was thinking, but he was keeping it to himself.
Finally he spoke up.
“I love fiction too, but obviously from the side. Feel like that’s a rare thing nowadays. Scolded for reading by some, and far more frustrating judged by others for not reading something they deem worth the time.”
Han Sooyoung had some strong opinions about writing and reading herself, but restrained herself.
“Everyone’s a critic.” Han Sooyoung replied easily, while keeping in stride.
“Have you put any of your writing out to the public?”
Han Sooyoung froze, she stopped in her tracks.
Kim Dokja quickly followed suit and looked at her, confused by her reaction.
It is not worth telling him, Han Sooyoung thought.
“No … I haven’t been able to muster up the courage to attach my name to anything.” Han Sooyoung choked out the lie, trying to convince herself that the truths bundled lessened the sin.
It is embarrassing to be attached to such a thing, such a failure as ‘Three Ways to Survive in a Ruined World’ she thought scornfully.
Kim Dokja waited for a beat before replying.
“I am sure that it is very different from the writer's perspective than the readers, and even then I know I would certainly be too anxious to release anything to the public’s criticism myself.”
Han Sooyoung smiled at the kind words and the intent behind them.
“Despite that I really want to borrow your ear and talk to you about fiction, tropes, and all the like, I don’t know anyone else who has anything to say on the topics, and something tells me that won’t be an issue for you.”
Kim Dokja continued, his tone moving from the gentle one to a slightly teasing and playful one.
“What makes you think that ill have things to say about topics such as those?” Han Sooyoung said in mock outrage and trying to match the tone Kim Dokja took.
That got a laugh, hell Han Sooyoung laughed at it too, even though it was her own joke. It was just such an absurd thought.
…
“Hey if you really want my opinions and thoughts on all these things,... I am going to need your number.” Asked quietly, turning around and walking backwards to keep her eyes on Kim Dokja who she figured might try and dodge the question.
Her intuition seemed right, there was a hesitant look on his that reminded her of the first class they met.
“This night is only going to last so long and I know from personal experience the one prof we share doesn’t take too kindly to talking during the duration of the class.” Han Sooyoung argued her case.
Kim Dokja shrugged and relaxed, “Fine” He said in what was barely more than a whisper.
With all the noise it was hard to be sure, maybe Han Sooyoung imagined it, and maybe she was imagining the slightest red tint creeping into his face.
Han Sooyoung had to be sure, A mischievous smile stretching across her face at the mere thought.
“Sorry I didn’t quite catch that, what did you say?” Han Sooyoung asked cheekily with her eyebrows raised as she abruptly stopped in front of him, and in doing so made him crash into her lightly. Following that there was very little space between the two of them.
Han Sooyoung did that purposely, and she was absolutely certain that Kim Dokja knew that too.
Kim Dokja huffed “You are terrifying but I’ll concede that you are pretty cool too, give me your phone and I’ll put my number in.”
Han Sooyoung smiled, but something about that irked her still, “You’re getting my number too bastard.”
At that Kim Dokja put his hands up jokingly in surrender, but Han spied a small smile growing on his face.
She stepped out of her one woman blockade, and reached into her pocket to pull out her phone.
As she did she bumped into someone, and as she did she saw the hair of the person whose back was to her.
It was long and dyed box brown. It struck Han Sooyoung as familiar but she wasn’t sure why.
Shit.
I know where I recognize that from, Han Sooyoung thought dreadfully.
It’s the girl who was talking to Kim Dokja, the girl who is hosting this party I am crashing.
Han Sooyoung felt her body freeze and her eyes stuck to the woman before her as she turned. Am I seriously about to be thrown out, now, so close.
Than right before she turned around enough for her eyes to fall on her, Han Sooyoung heard Kim Dokja yell out to her.
“Chae Seo-A!”
The girl recognized the voice, and stopped and met him with a smile and an excited voice.
Han Sooyoung felt herself sulking, she recognized incredulously that now was absolutely not the time, and she should be happy that she seemed interested in Kim Dokja as it was the only thing that kept her unnoticed.
Han Sooyoung watched with bated breath seconds away from discovery.
She watched as Kim Dokja carefully navigated the encounter, turning slightly away so that the girl’s line of sight was focused in the opposite direction.
They spoke about the party, Kim Dokja congratulated and complimented her for the party and the success it was and how appreciative he was to be invited.
And to prove his point he gestured down the hall to the rows of dorms and rooms included, and all the people that it hosted.
Han Sooyoung watched as he drew the woman’s, Chae Seo-A’s attention away, then calmly walked over to her and stood in between the two of them.
With Kim Dokja between her and Chae Seo-A, and the wall on the other side Han Sooyoung was safe for now, especially with the noise, distraction and dim light of the party.
All there was now to do was wait until the girl left.
She listened to the conversation between the two of them.
This time she was far closer to the conversation than the last time she eavesdropped.
They talked to one another easily, with an understanding that reeked of familiarity, and after hearing them talk about their class projects she understood why, it seemed like they shared every class with one another.
Well at least all the classes but one Han Sooyoung corrected herself, Chae Seo-A was not in the same calculus class as Han Sooyoung and Kim Dokja.
It seemed to stretch forever, but Han Sooyoung recognized that at this moment her judgement was bound to be incredibly jaded and not to be trusted.
She rested her head leaning slightly against the turned back of Dokja, smiling slightly at his small shudder at the unexpected contact.
…
Finally the girl left, but not after giving Kim Dokja information on where to find her later after she checked up on a few things.
When Kim Dokja was convinced she was out of sight he turned around to face Han Sooyoung.
Han Sooyoung had decided not to waste anymore time.
Han Sooyoung noticed the surprised look on his face.
She had been holding out her hand, and had quickly pressed her phone into his hands.
“Number.” She said directly.
It got a slightly weird look from Dokja but he quickly conceded, accepting her phone and taking out his phone and giving it to Han Sooyoung.
“I am not taking any risks, not after such a close call” Han Sooyoung said as means of admittingly lacking justification, but not willing to offer more.
She quickly put her contact information into Kim Dokja’s phone.
During the time she was waiting she had come to a realization.
“Thank you, by the way. I was awfully confident back in my dorm, and outside, about sneaking into a party. But when I was inside I realized that it would actually be humiliating to be kicked out.” Han Sooyoung said quietly, she didn’t like it, but she felt she had to, given that he had saved her after all.
Kim Dokja didn’t reply for a second, Han Sooyoung looked up and noticed that there was a look of conflict on his face in regards to his answer. Han Sooyoung saw him come to a decision from the change of expression.
“Yeah I figured, I mean I think I noticed all the way back when we first stepped in. I don’t think that I would be brave enough to crash a party, but no matter how brave anyone is it can’t be fun to be embarrassed in front of everyone. I am Just glad that I saw a way to help you.” Kim Dokja replied in a soft voice.
Han Sooyoung thought about her response.
Before she could reply Kim Dokja spoke again, his tone completely different.
“Speaking of, can we please get moving, that was super stressful for me.” Kim Dokja said anxiously.
That she could easily reply to.
“Yes, let’s get out of here.” Han Sooyoung said as she began to drag Kim Dokja alongside her as she marched in the opposite direction of where she saw Chae Seo-A go.
…
Han Sooyoung and Kim Dokja were still wandering the halls and the dorms, even after their close call bumping into one of the hosts, and they still walked just as aimlessly.
Neither of them were paying any attention to their surroundings, Han Sooyoung at the very least knew that she wasn’t overly interested in what was happening in the party, and very much engorged in their conversation.
They had wandered off into a quieter area.
Han Sooyoung was talking to Kim Dokja about the complications and conflict she had with making characters explicitly pretty, how it was undeniably effective, but could not get around it being potentially shallow.
Kim Dokja had taken the other stance, but suddenly his concentration had been broken and he looked up and around them.
Han Sooyoung had been so caught up in her answer that she hadn’t noticed his distraction nor any of her surroundings.
There was a weird/slightly muffled sound that was barely just able to be heard over the distant music.
Han Sooyoung was confused, not sure what she was listening to.
Wait was someone moaning?
Right as she thought that she noticed that Kim Dokja had just taken a red hue, and quickly turned around grabbing her hand pulled her back down the path they had come.
After being pulled back down the hall Han Sooyoung was a little flustered.
She raised the held hand and gave him a questioning look, to which Kim Dokja quickly let go, .
She didn’t get an answer for a second.
Han Sooyoung finally puts it together “You think that they were doing it?”
“I didn’t want to find out!” Kim Dokja replied emphatically with a shake of the head
Han Sooyoung had an evil idea and a mischievous smile fell across her face.
Kim Dokja noticed the change in expression, but it was too late. Han Sooyoung was already talking.
With a wide and taunting smile, Han Sooyoung drawled. “Woooww, so you hear people fucking and without a word, you grab my hand and march, like a man on a mission. Did they hit a cord, get you in the mood?”
Han Sooyoung continued to just grin evilly at the stunned Kim Dokja’s clearly mortified expression.
…
Following Kim Dokja’s traumatic experience being taunted by Han Sooyoung they had finally stopped walking around the party.
They had found a less crowded room and they had set up in the held open bathroom, it was empty, bright compared to the comparatively dimmed light of the party, and no one was using the washrooms on this floor, the space was far more valuable, if someone had to use the washroom they would just take the elevator down to the main floor.
The pair had finally found somewhere they felt comfortable at the party, and ironically they found it by kind of getting away from the party, its noise and its people.
Han Sooyoung was perched up sitting on the counter.
Her neck was slightly strained from having to stand so close to Kim Dokja and strain her neck to look up at him.
They had initially gone to it because of Han Sooyoung’s costume.
It had changed throughout the party.
Kim Dokja had given her his hoodie, she was cold and Kim Dokja while thankful for the suggestion and still explaining to the few that asked that they were both members of the phantom trope, he did not find wearing a costume of such importance.
But still that was not why they were there.
It was because of the Chrollo-cross tattoo thing on Han Sooyoung’s forehead.
It was smudged and that bothered her.
She wiped off what was left and tied again.
Like the first time her hand was shaky, she was a writer, not a painter.
And worse this time she was distracted.
Kim Dokja seemed to be judging her struggles.
“What?”
“You don’t seem very good at this” Kim Dokja replied.
Very observant, very helpful Han Sooyoung thought.
“Hey in my defense when was the last time you had to draw something on your forehead, why would I be good at this?”
He just shrugged and laughed.
Han Sooyoung continued to struggle a little bit.
Kim Dokja sighed “Would you like some help.”
Han Sooyoung would accept the offer under normally circumstances, and because it would get her out of his taunting scrutiny, was eager for a few reasons now.
“Please.” Han Sooyoung turned away from the mirror and faced him.
Plucking the eye-liner out of her hand Kim Dokja quickly brushed her bangs off her forehead and drew the Chrollo-Cross thing.
Han Sooyoung turned back towards the mirror.
He had done it really fast, but the lines were clean and even, the arrows that came out of the all four sides were clear, it was good, especially considering some of her earlier attempts.
“See, not so hard.” Kim Dokja said with a smirk.
“Shut uppp, of course it’s not hard for you, you weren’t doing it on your own forehead.” Han Sooyoung complained lightly against his teasing.
…
Han Sooyoung wasn’t sure what time it was, nor how much time they had spent chilling in their new spot.
Han Sooyoung had even been able to convince Kim Dokja to take a picture with her in the mirror, and promised that she would send it to him.
They had eventually adventured back to the first room that Han Sooyoung had seen on her suggestion and gotten some drinks.
Han Sooyoung had never drunk before, so she didn’t know what to expect, she didn’t know if she had a high or low alcohol tolerance.
What she did know however, was that Kim Dokja certainly didn’t have a strong alcohol tolerance.
So much so that Han Sooyoung had cut him off at one cup. One Cup and Han Sooyoung felt that she had an obligation to make sure that he didn’t drink anymore.
He was a lot less anxious following that.
Which was probably good because following that Han Sooyoung found herself often laughing at what the slightly drunk Kim Dokja said.
…
They stayed there chatting, Han Sooyoung let the much more social drunk Kim Dokja lead the conversation and he kept coming back to topics that were debating thoughts on fiction, what made good fiction, what were some of the most entertaining moments and the like which suited Han Sooyoung perfectly fine.
Eventually though Han Sooyoung saw it.
Kim Dokja yawn.
She had not kept track of the time, and now she was scared to check.
He did look a little tired, and now that she thought about she probably looked the same.
She was anxious about leaving, but she was anxious about staying.
She definitely didn’t want a situation where Kim Dokja was staying longer than he liked.
She definitely didn’t want Kim Dokja to leave her either.
She furrowed her brow and thought about it.
Eventually Han Sooyoung came to her decision, she was going to have to leave the party before she was left.
If she was the one who initiated it she could be sure that it was on good terms.
She looked back at Kim Dokja, who she only realized now had stopped talking.
“How long were you zoned out?” He asked.
Ignoring the question Han Sooyoung abruptly blurts out:
“It’s been a great night, but I am going to leave before I say or do something that ruins it all.”
At that Kim Dokja was quiet for a second before laughing.
“You were making fun of me being a lightweight but look at you now.” Kim Dokja said teasingly.
At that Han Sooyoung only pouted and made to leave. As stupid as she knew it was, she was serious, she didn’t want to be left, and now she was scared of doing something that messes up how great of a night this has been.
“Wait, it was a great night for me too. Will you be ok getting home.”
“Yeah I live right on campus a few buildings over. The more important question is will you be.”
“I’ll be fine, I promise.”
Han Sooyoung was unsure what to do, and absolutely correct in her assumption that saying goodbye was awkward.
“See you!” Han Sooyoung said awkwardly.
Kim Dokja replied easily with a smile and waved “Looking forward to it, have a good night.”
Notes:
Han Sooyoung is thirsty and insane, but Kim Dokja certainly seems to have come around to her.
Party host's name was found using a name generator until I found one that I liked/suited her and had some significance behind the meaning, hopefully it is not to obtrusive and more or less follows the expected naming conventions.
Trying to gradually write more mature content, but new territory so if anything doesn't really work point it out, in this chap and the ones to come.
Chapter Text
The first dawn of November had broken through what had been a very overcast October.
Han Sooyoung was not one to notice, and much less care, for such things.
But this was an exception.
By some cruel miracle the few strands of light found their way into her sleeping eyes.
Han Sooyoung was not happy about it.
She was having the most wonderful dream, but even at the thought the image begins to slip, the details get fuzzy.
In a matter of moments she cannot remember anything at all.
Begrudgingly Han Sooyoung stirred.
Ugh.
She felt tired, and sick, presumably what it felt like to be hungover if she were to guess. But that was not what bothered her the most, that honor belonged to the stupid smile she could feel on her face.
She felt happy.
That didn’t stop her from rising from interrupted slumber and stumbling over to the drapes and violently throwing them closed.
Happy or not, it did not change her nature, and she was not a morning person.
After addressing the light situation Han Sooyoung flung herself back on her bed, with no intention of getting back up for a while.
Back curled up on her bed Han Sooyoung pulled out her phone, grimacing at the clock that said it was 6:47 in the morning.
Han Sooyoung was pretty sure that she wasn’t said to be particularly likely to have her head buried in her phone, especially compared to the normal levels of her classmates and the like, mostly because it was miserable typing on a touchpad and if she was going to be wasting away her time in front of a screen it would be a laptop, but the only time that wouldn’t be true was in the morning, when she was trying to put off getting up for the day.
Usually this would be a lazy and aimless scroll, sometimes it was kind of research for her writing, other times it was just an aimless search of the internet with no end in mind until she was ready to get up for the day.
Time well spent, but that was not the case today.
Han Sooyoung knew exactly where she was going.
The picture!
She went straight to her photos app. It was there waiting for her, or more accurately there were like ten, but they were all more or less the same, she had just spammed the picture button should the others not turn out well.
Looking at them now it seemed that her fear was unfounded, she liked all of them.
Cradling her phone in her hungover and exhausted state she tried to analyze them closer.
Despite everything she was still replaying the events of the night before in her head.
It was the two of them standing before a mirror, in their costumes in various states of use. Kim Dokja had given her his hoodie which she was wearing in the photo.
Her arm was thrown over his shoulder and he was leaned down and slightly towards her to allow it given their height differences.
There were smiles on both of their faces, hers wide and teethy, while his was much more reserved and shy, yet they were both genuine. She would bet anything they were genuine.
As she looked at the pictures she knew instantly that her mouth was forming one to match those in the pictures she thought with mild disdain.
She realized, only after recognizing it in the photo, that she was still wearing Dokja’s hoodie.
She looked at the state of the costumes. Kim Dokja had more or less abandoned any connection to the lazy excuse of a costume, but during the night he said that he was glad that he did have an excuse for one, and he still did explain that he was theoretically still wearing it.
Hers was a different story, she was still kind of wearing it, too tired to change or do anything when she got home, and clearly very disheveled after the night and the sleep, but to her surprise it wasn’t that different from its state in the picture.
She was not saying that her costume had kept pretty well, she was saying the opposite: it was pretty messy.
Looking closer Han Sooyoung laughed as she noticed the state of her shirt.
If she remembers right at the start of the night it was buttoned up to all but the very top button, but that had clearly changed.
In the photo there were 3 unbuttoned, Han Sooyoung didn’t remember doing it but she was certain it was by her hand.
Han Sooyoung closed the photos app and went other contacts, she quickly found the newest one and opened the text, sharing the photo she was just looking at and sending her first text:
“I think the pic looks really nice, I still have your sweater btw let's meet up so I can give it back”.
Han Sooyoung wrote her text quickly, and pressed send before she could over think and analyze it.
She waited for a few minutes for a reply, but it wasn’t forthcoming.
Han Sooyoung fell back asleep.
….
Han Sooyoung eventually woke up feeling much better and rested than she had in the morning, but there was one thing that persisted, and it was even getting worse: a headache and her eyes being really sensitive to light.
‘I wonder if it is a result of being hungover.’
Checking her hunch, Han Sooyoung found her phone.
The second she tapped the screen she saw that she had a notification.
It was a text from Kim Dokja: “I’ll be studying in the library if you want to drop by”
It wasn’t particularly warm or friendly or of note, but to be fair neither was hers, and Han Sooyoung was glad she would be able to see him.
She had completely forgotten her previous thought.
Han Sooyoung glanced at the clock and was glad to see it was 12, much more reasonable she thought.
“I’ll come over :) I just woke up though so give me thirty minutes, where are you specifically?”
Han Sooyoung threw down her phone on her bed and started a coffee while she was getting ready for a shower and planned what she was going to wear.
…
Han Sooyoung had gotten a reply in just a few minutes, he was in a study room he booked on the third floor.
When Han Sooyoung had picked out her outfit for the day, a comfortable tee-shirt and a pencil skirt, she grabbed his hoodie as she went out the door.
…
When she got to the room she wasn’t holding the sweater, but wearing it and despite that she was still shivering.
Kim Dokja looked up as he heard the door open, and around him there were a few textbooks and a notepad was open with a pencil behind it, but when she had walked in he was on his phone.
He noticed her outfit, maybe confused as to why she was still wearing his hoodie.
“Aren’t you freezing?”
‘Or maybe not’
She only nodded, but nodded violently. She had a lollipop in her mouth, apparently some association had gotten a bunch for Halloween and she had grabbed a handful as she had walked by and she unceremoniously dropped them on the table as she walked in.
“Why didn’t you wear something warmer?” The question had a little bit of curiosity behind it but his tone wasn’t serious or concerned but friendly.
“ I thought it would be warmer, it was so sunny!” Han Sooyoung mumbled emphatically as she tried to complain with the candy still in her mouth.
Kim Dokja didn’t have a reply to that and simply shook his head as he picked up his dropped pencil and tried to pick up where he left off.
Han Sooyoung sat down in a seat across the table from him.
Uninvited but he didn’t seem bothered so she had no mind to move, especially with the weather she was so unprepared for waiting.
She signed and looked at Kim Dokja across from her. He hadn’t struck her as particularly studious, but here he was now. She bit the candy, breaking it, squinting a little at the sharp burst of lemon flavour but wanting to be able to talk.
“What are you studying for?”
Kim Dokja stopped immediately and looked at her, clearly surprised by her question.
“The midterms? Like they are all going to be this week.”
Han Sooyoung only stared blankly at him.
“Were you not aware??” Kim Dokja continued flabbergasted.
“Uhhhhhhmmmm” Han Sooyoung said as she pulled out her phone and hurriedly checked her courses to see if he was right and when hers were.
“Oh god.” She said, staring at her phone. At that she heard laughing.
“I’ll remember this.” Han Sooyoung said jokingly at Kim Dokja’s laughter at her expense.
He continued laughing for a second.
“I am sorry, it is not coming from a place of malice. Honestly I am a little impressed and or terrified that you have been going about so unbothered.”
“It’s easy for you to laugh.” She was still looking at her midterms, hers were slightly more spread out than his, but they were all projects, papers instead of tests, except their shared calculus course.
She hadn’t started any of them, and now their deadlines would be contesting with one another.
She knew damn well that she wouldn’t be doing much until the deadline was right in front of her.
She pushed it out of her mind. She had always procrastinated, and she had usually been fine.
“It’s ugly to look at, but I’ll be fine, I am honestly lucky that I found out before any of their due dates.”
“I agree, I don’t think profs would be too accommodating to students who missed any assignments because they didn’t check.”
“For all your talk of academic responsibility you don’t seem too engaged with your studying.”
“True but at least I was fully aware of the tests I was not studying for.”
“Touché” She reached for another one of the lemon lollipops “help yourself I think I might have stolen them from some club.”
“Getting rid of the evidence, smart.” Kim Dokja said cheekily as he took one.
“You get me.”
…
It could have taken no more than a minute to drop off his sweater, say a few words and than make her exit.
Yet here she was an hour later and still here.
She wasn’t going to point that out.
Han Sooyoung had moved her seat overto Kim Dokja and she was looking over his notes on his suggestion.
He was talking to her about the notes, but she found that she couldn’t bring herself to focus on what the topics he was talking about. She might have felt guilty, but he had insisted that he felt it was beneficial to try and explain it to others when studying.
She felt her eyes drift down to his lips as he spoke, quickly she broke out of the trance and pulled her eyes back to the notes before it was noticed.
It seemed as though Kim Dokja had exhausted his notes to talk about trying to help Han Sooyoung prepare for their shared exam.
He grabbed a lollipop, the last one. She didn’t care, but it gave her an idea.
Han Sooyoung made sure to suppress the mischievous smile she felt growing on her face before it gave anything away.
She needed to get him talking, and distracted.
She knew just the thing.
She grabbed a close notebook and turned the pages looking through it. Looking for something she recognized, and something that Kim Dokja would need to get a closer look at and need his attention.
As she turned the pages she saw something she more or less recognized, integration.
“Do you remember what unit and chapters this was covered in?” Han Sooyoung tried to ask inconspicuously.
Then Kim Dokja leaned over to get a better look, and when he opened his to speak while he still had the lemon candy she knew how she was going to strike.
To speak as coherently as possible while eating the candy it had been pushed to the corner of his mouth and the stick sat just on his lip.
“Honestly I don’t, I know it’s integration but I have no clue the context, my notes aren’t great to be hon-
As he spoke Han Sooyoung struck, with his eyes on the paper, leaning over the table, he was well within her reach.
Deftly and with smooth movements she grabbed the stick and just as quickly pulled it out.
She held it out away from him as he was completely shocked, and waited for just a beat.
She wanted to see him react, and she wanted to see the reactions in parts.
“Uhhm? Why and what did that accomplish.” a bewildered and confused Kim Dokja asked.
In response all Han Sooyoung did was stop holding back that mischievous smile and let it break free.
He recognized the look.
Then she stuck the candy in her mouth, as her eyes crinkled with laughter watched his reaction.
He sighed and shock his head at her strange and insane antics.
Jokingly Kim Dokja teased “Fatass”
In response Han Sooyoung, feeling confident and bold, simply lifted her shirt above her abdomen and shook her head.
‘Modestly’ correcting an nonfactual statement, Han Sooyoung thought with a smirk.
The whole time she observed Kim Dokja’s reaction, at her suddenly lifting her shirt he had quickly averted his eyes awkwardly before knowing she was only showing off her abs, it was cute in his awkward way.
Poor guy, having to deal with her antics.
But Kim Dokja quickly recovered.
“How do you have abs? By your own admission all you do is sit around all day writing or thinking about writing.” Kim Dokja jokingly complained.
He had her there, she didn’t know either, she simply shrugged.
Taking out the candy for a second “Here out of sympathy for you having to deal with my antics, I’ll offer it back.”
Han Sooyoung expected what would happen, that Kim Dokja would be flustered and refuse.
And for a second that is what she saw.
Then he seemed to come to a decision.
“You know what, I’ll take it.”
Wait what. To her surprise she felt her cheeks heat slightly, but that wasn’t the worst of it.
That belonged to the mischievous smile she saw, the one she recognized and all her life had known as hers, but it wasn’t her face. It was on Kim Dokja’s.
Just as quickly as she had done it he plucked the lemon candy out of her hand.
He watched her stunned and flushed expression, and he turned to it and for a second there was a hint of doubt and hesitation.
Then suddenly he bit into it, the hesitation gone in an instant.
The whole thing was a blast of Deja vu.
‘I might be a bad influence on him’
“You won like one exchange, one round, don’t get cocky.”
Notes:
Hope you enjoyed the chapter, please share your thoughts.
Hopefully it didn't feel too short.
I don't love the ending of the chapter, I found it really difficult to have an unobtrusive end to this chapter and scene. I was honestly considering having this chapter be a few weeks forward in the timeline to continue with what I first had in mind for the plot, and to have their interactions there imply this trajectory. But I wanted to have more interactions between them, and them both agreeing to meet up, and finally having/using each other's numbers I think is an important milestone.
Also I felt it would probably be disappointing to see other times they meet up but never showing the first one.
Chapter Text
“You were warned.” There is almost a sad note to the words, not that it mattered.
Her professor’s silhouette is a dark shadow in front of her office window letting in the morning sun, and Han Sooyoung is completely enveloped by it.
“I wasn’t in a position to realize -”
“I warned you! You chose to ignore it.” There was frustration slipping into the words, she was walking on thin ice and she had no good excuse as to why. Han Sooyoung knew that, but she didn't know what else to do.
Han Sooyoung’s head was hung low, and she could do little more than look at the floor. “Please is there anything I could do for extra credit, or even to change the weighting?”
“It’s like this every year, not knowing the consequences until they are staring you in the face, not willing to change until it is too late. Yet for you it is even worse, you weren’t happy with your marks earlier for nothing more than pride, and I gave you advice. Now your concern comes from sensibility.”
Han Sooyoung could physically feel herself swallowing her pride. She opened her mouth to speak, having no clue what she was even going to say.
It didn’t matter, she wasn’t given the chance, her professor continued.
“Get out, you aren’t going to change my mind. Watching you beg is painful, to both of us it seems. You need this, you need to fail. You are too proud to function. The only solution I can see for that is humility. it’s not something you can find in an extra assignment or at the end of a book. This experience, you earned it, and you honestly needed it.”
—
Han Sooyoung sat in her dark room, staring blankly at the screen before her. She stared at the blindingly bright screen, willing something, anything to change. It was to no avail, and Han Sooyoung could feel the frustration and … and the helplessness began to seep in.
She sat there, exhausted in her dark room when it was well past midnight, but she couldn't find it within herself to go to bed. Seemed as though she could not find it in herself to do anything more than stare at the screen.
She sat by her desk, knees pulled up to her chest and on the other side pressed against her desk. It was uncomfortable, but she couldn’t bring herself to get out of her position.
Her gaze focused again on the screen with empty and tired eyes, already knowing it would accomplish nothing, but whatever else would she do.
She felt so helplessly far behind. Han Sooyoung hadn’t thought that it would be like this.
It felt as though the screen was burning her through the sheer exposure. Suddenly the screen’s light felt unbearable and stumbled and fell down towards the ground. It was as though the screen’s emitted light was burning, and the evidence of her ineptitude shot straight through her.
Han Sooyoung opened the window and rested her forehead on the window frame, breathing in the cool air and trying to cooldown.
Outside she watched as the world passed around her. It wasn’t a special night, there weren’t a lot of people out and about but there were still some. People who don’t have to worry, don’t have to lament their choices.
Han Sooyoung hears her ringtone go off across the room. Sighing she closes her window and drags herself over to it.
Seeing the notification banner brings a pang of pain that goes through the entirety of Han Sooyoung’s being. It’s her mother, it has been a long time since they have spoken.
Yet she can’t bring herself to admit it. Han Sooyoung watches as the phone rang and rang until it finally stopped and Han Sooyoung released a breath that she hadn’t been aware that she had been holding.
She should have known. She should have understood that she would have struggled here. There was evidence from the entirety of her life that she was going to be particularly prone to issues like this.
Things that cut at her sense of self. She walked amongst them, and she thought that they might not bother her. She thought that, for a variety of reasons, that she was above all this. It turns out she had been wrong, it had been nothing but bravado, and all that pride had been misplaced.
She had received her marks for the midterms, and alongside that the trajectory of her first semester. It wasn’t a pretty sight. She had been warned, but she hadn’t taken it seriously. There was no one she could blame other than herself.
This failure, or more accurately failures, fell on her shoulders.
She had five courses and didn’t have a single passing mark. It was fucking humiliating. Han Sooyoung had only ever known being the smartest person in the room. She had been explicitly warned by teachers and academic advisors, each passing along that tired, hand-me-down, advice, and she hadn’t believed them.
She didn’t know how to do it, how to play catch up. She couldn’t even bear to consider that she was on an equal playing field, let alone behind everyone else.
She had always had a support system, even if it was small, even if it was entirely compressed into one person, it was constant. Outside of that more often than not she knew that praise was never far. Here she was solitary and so far away from what had been comforting and familiar.
Here she didn’t know how she was viewed in the eyes of others, and she wasn’t willing to tarnish her image with her moment of weakness.
—
Han Sooyoung hadn’t attended any of her classes for the week. What was the point?
The only reason why she hadn’t dropped them was she couldn’t bring herself to those terms. She couldn’t accept the finality of it.
She was going to be failing fucking everything. Would she be kicked out of her program? Han Sooyoung had been doing some research on it and she could at least appeal but it would be out of her hands, it would be a plea.
Judging by her experiences so far it would be a miracle if she found a sympathetic ear amongst her judges.
It was miserable, and worse it was awfully embarrassing. It was consuming her and she knew miserably that it would evidently be clear to anyone who bothered or cared. As a result she had hardly left her room.
She didn’t touch her phone either. At least she tried not to.
She was at her absolute lowest, Han Sooyoung did not want anyone to see her in this state. It was unseemly and beneath her and she couldn’t bear her state as she is now being anyone’s impression or image of her.
The phone was always there though, it was a constant pressure and draw. Han Sooyoung found herself checking it often, even if she wasn't replying. She wasn’t doing anything else of note anyway.
Han Sooyoung stiffened and walked to her window once more. It had been a place of respite in recent days. Her room and the air within seemed stifling. She hadn’t been one for the cold but now she welcomed the cold November air.
Han Sooyoung knew what she had to do. She had to rally, she had to regain her composure and strength and this time she would not falter in front of her obstacles.
She knew she could do it, she could go tearing down the path like an avalanche growing faster and greater with each step. That wasn’t the problem, it was the first step. She was stopped and she didn’t know how to change that.
She just needed one step, that first step, but she couldn’t find it.
—
Han Sooyoung had not realized just how disheveled she was until she realized that Kim Dokja was right outside her door.
She was more or less wearing pajamas, she could feel just through her scalp that she had bed-head, and though she had no way of knowing; she was absolutely certain she must have dark circles around her tired eyes.
Looking back at it now, she should have known it was only ever going to be a matter of time until her resolve broke. That phone, always by her side, and always a temptation eventually won out.
She saw that there had been texts, and against her better judgement she answered.
‘You don’t understand the consequences, you don’t believe them to be real. Not until it is too late, and they are staring you in the face.’ The words of her professor flashed through her mind as she stood there frozen hearing the knock.
She regrets it now. That seems to be her new thing. Tripping head first into disasters of her own creation. Destined to make avoidable error after error, constantly making mistakes, and only being able to recognize the error after it was decidedly too late.
Kim Dokja is standing by the threshold of her dorm, and the concern is written clearly across his face. Shame and humiliation flood through Han Sooyoung.
She doesn’t want to be here, Han Sooyoung is convinced she will not be able to keep her composure if she shares anything that is bothering her.
She can’t even evaluate it consistently. In one moment the enormity of her failures are the weight of the world, the next in her own eyes she is so pathetic for being beaten by something so mundane and ordinary.
Regardless of how she sees it at any of these changing moments, what stays constant is the fact that they hold her down.
For a second Han Sooyoung sees the light, a way out of this situation, Kim Dokja is not yet past her door. She could slam it in his face, awkward yes but better than to be seen in such a state.
Yet she can’t do it, and the moment passes. Han Sooyoung can’t hide.
—
Despite all her trepidation, she analyses Kim Dokja as he walks in. He is distinctly anxious, as though he is worried that he is out of his depth.
For an instant Han Sooyoung reads into it, she is curious about what information she could glean from this. Then she realized the state that she was in, and the fact that Kim Dokja, while not judging her, was clearly drinking it all in.
Her room is a mess, which wasn’t too far out of the ordinary for her but it became a point of sensitivity for her when she reflected the disorganization all around her.
She could feel, physically feel the mess that her hair must be right now and quickly pulled on a toque to try and hide it.
There is an awkward silence between them. Han Sooyoung doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know what she wants or expects to hear.
Frustration grips her, she found someone she was interested in, she established a rapport, and seemingly against all odds they had quickly grown close. Especially ever since that night at the party and the weeks that had followed.
Conversation had come easily to them.
She messed it up.
She disappeared without a word and had been ignoring messages ever since, with the only exception being right now when her resolve broke and replied.
She had to say something, she had to try. Nothing would come up, anxiety choked her throat as she desperately tried to get any words out.
“I missed you.” Kim Dokja said suddenly, breaking the silence.
Taken aback by the genuine moment of vulnerability Han Sooyoung is stunned, but it quickly passes and the words are finally flowing.
—
Kim Dokja is worried about her, and Han Sooyoung can’t help but feel disgusted. She doesn’t want pity.
He asks questions, but doesn’t get responses, and Han Sooyoung knows that she is giving away her answers all the same.
“What’s wrong?” Kim Dokja asks, and silence is his answer. Han Sooyoung knows that is the wrong one to give if she wants to quench his concern, but she can’t find any words.
Han Sooyoung must be the worst imaginable companion in the world right now, boring, dull, dower, and a burden.
Kim Dokja stays.
—
“All the teachers, the guidance counselors all spoke incessantly about the perspective shift that is bound to happen when I went to university. Feeling like everyone is smarter than you. Or at least makes significantly better choices.” She had shared this part. She was absolutely sure he had heard the lines many times before, as she had. That universality made it seem easier to share.
Kim Dokja tries to cheer her up.
“I was in the cafe and I heard someone talking about something very similar.” Kim Dokja continued with a small smile.
“At university everyone is smarter than you, except for the three people you are paired with for a group project. Why was I eavesdropping you ask?”
“By chance I happened upon my group member and thought to talk about our project, hearing that I re-evaluated and walked away.” Kim Dokja said with a laugh.
It feels a world away, it feels as though she is somehow eavesdropping on this conversation, if it could be called that now. She didn’t deserve, or have a place in it.
—
“Hey, would you like to go to a movie with me?” Kim Dokja asked suddenly.
Han Sooyoung’s eyes snapped wide open and she stared at the person and his shy quiet smile, and she felt it begin to be mirrored on her own face.
Then a realization dawned, and the world darkened. ‘Is he fucking asking me out from pity!’
In an instant she was furious and embarrassed, and sad.
“Get out.”
Kim Dokja looks shell shocked. Her feelings clearly came across in her words.
Hearing the anger in her voice he moved towards the door. They had grown close but he was still in Han Sooyoung’s room and she was furious with him. He had no justification to stay.
He pauses. He notices that something is wrong, or he has a hunch as to what just happened.
“I didn’t mean to upset you, I am sorry.”
“You knew I wouldn’t accept pity! You asking me out from it is unbelievably humiliating.”
“It wasn’t out of pity!” Kim Dokja suddenly blurts out.
Han Sooyoung is taken aback and shocked by the outburst that was very out of his normal character.
In her shocked state Kim Dokja was able to quickly compose himself, and still standing right by the door he continued.
“It wasn’t out of pity. I have noticed your absence and your silence far more than I would have ever expected. I kept looking at where you sat, or checking my phone for an answer from you.” Then he paused a little, abashed. “Admittedly I did think It would cheer you up a little bit, but I wanted to spend time with you.”
Han Sooyoung didn’t know what to say. The anger still lingered, and it was clouding her judgement.
“I don’t believe you. I must look so pathetic right now. Why? Why would you want me at my lowest?” Her words come after a long pause, and her tone is still just as furious.
There came no answer, and the silence stretched. Han Sooyoung scanned his face endlessly, looking for the evidence she knew must be there, the evidence that proved she had been right.
Kim Dokja finally sighed, as if resigned. “I didn’t realize how much I appreciated your presence, not until I knew your absence. I am sorry it took so long, and that it came too late.”
He is sad Han Sooyoung noticed abruptly. The world had been blurry and unfocused but immediately it came rushing into focus. Why? Why is he acting as if he has already come to terms with her turning him down.
‘I already have’
A terrible cord of energy went through Han Sooyoung at that realization. In that moment the world around her rushed back into her focus. Kim Dokja was leaving, she had told him to, but even the shallowest introspection found that she wanted the exact opposite.
“Wait!” The words came choked out, they were desperate. “I am sorry, I am in a bad way right now. It was me, it was my bias that was making me so insistent that you couldn’t be genuine. Do you still want to watch a movie together?” The words spilled out, the dam that she had built to keep all the building words at bay had been broken, but for how long? They needed to get out out while they had this opportunity.
Thankfully Kim Dokja was facing her again, and she could see his answer before the words left his mouth. “You won’t understand me, but I do.”
“Then would you be willing to compromise? I can’t go back to just worrying and stressing, to being so alone. Would you stay? I am down to watch anything.”
It was Kim Dokja’s turn to be silent and overwhelmed by the sudden turn of events.
“... Alright, I did give two criteria, getting to spend time with you and trying to cheer you up, your suggestion meets both, I'll go along with it.”
“Don’t sound too enthusiastic.” Han Sooyoung deadpanned.
Somehow even drier still, Kim Dokja replied in a manner that Han Sooyoung was much more familiar with. Kim Dokja responded. “You’ll have to forgive me. I just experienced the worst case of whiplash.”
—
Han Sooyoung could understand Kim Dokja’s hesitance. It was an awkward affair.
Neither of them knew what they wanted to watch. Han Sooyoung quickly scanned any streaming services she had access to, looking for a recognizable movie. One that wouldn’t be too demanding or emotionally charged. Eventually she landed on Jurassic Park.
Kim Dokja was fine with her choice.
—
Throughout the movie the two talked. Han Sooyoung quietly patted herself on the back, realizing that for all the faults of her shitty date, they could actually just talk to one another freely.
She found it easier to talk under less severe and critical circumstances, she found it easier to talk when there was a distraction.
“I need to catch up on my beauty sleep” Han Sooyoung quietly began jokingly and suddenly. It’s more than that, she knows it, but she can’t bring herself to voice it.
“At times in my life I had bouts of insomnia, I know that it is awful.” Replied Kim Dokja carefully, as if she had actually said more than she had.
“... What ended them?”
“I don’t know. I wish I did, I wish I could be confident that they won’t plague me in the future. It disappeared as suddenly as it came. The only advice I can offer is that it doesn’t last forever and your body knows how to heal. It will catch you up on your sleep whether you want it to or not.”
—
“I am sorry about suggesting such a lame date suggestion.” Kim Dokja blurted out suddenly. The movie still played before them but neither had been focused on it.
“Don’t be, it was my suggestion that derailed it. You’re overthinking it.” Han Sooyoung tried to reassure him.
He clearly wasn’t convinced and there was no following reply.
“... Really don’t worry about it … in my mind, I unilaterally decided that our first date was that night at the party.” Han Sooyoung stared dead on at the movie, suddenly deciding it was the most interesting thing in the world.
Most notably she was doing everything she could to not meet Kim Dokja’s eyes, unwilling to see his reaction to her confession.
But Han Sooyoung’s mind was treacherous and out of the corner of her eye she observed a suspiciously quiet and flustered Kim Dokja.
Han Sooyoung was willing to bet that he was not as worried as he was before. Her confession seemed, while embarrassing, to have eased his concern. It had been worth the price.
—
The movie ended. It ended far earlier than it should have. Time had seemed to pause in her slump, netted down by her frustration and anger. It seemed as though when she finally took the first step out it surged forward to catch her.
It caught her far faster than she could ever believe to be right.
Her time with Kim Dokja had been a very needed breath of fresh air, but now that it was ending she could already feel the familiar mire of stagnation and stillness of her self-imposed captivity.
Tomorrow would be a new day. Would she still remember, would it still inspire her so in the light of a new day?
Or would it wane, fleeting just as quickly as it came?
She just stared dead on.
“Sooyoung?”
Han Sooyoung ripped herself of her daze and faced the question, trying to put on a face that hid her conflict. Wiping harshly at her eyes. Han Sooyoung had not even realized that she had been crying.
She tried to voice everything that was haunting her, but she could not expunge them, even if just words.
As she opened her mouth no words came out. Han Sooyoung tried, and she couldn’t do it.
She stared at the door and imagined it closing, and it came clearly, she tried to imagine herself opening that same door, and unsurprisingly she found that she couldn’t conjure the image.
She had to say something, anything.
“Would you stay?”
Han Sooyoung was terrified by the words she uttered.
Han Sooyoung focused her gaze on Kim Dokja, a moment away from fervently apologizing or playing it off.
She let the moment pass.
There was something in his expression that gave her pause.
“During the worst moments of my life I always felt so alone. I don’t think there was anyone there for me, I can’t bring myself to do that to you.”
“You don’t have anything tomorrow?” Han Sooyoung asked, concerned about the burden she was being.
“No, it's the weekend. I don’t have any plans.”
—
Once again Han Sooyoung was not prepared for her own requests, yet in this instance she was saved. She didn’t have a roommate, but she was supposed to, and because of that there was an unoccupied bed.
Kim Dokja laid facing the wall and seemingly fell asleep quickly. Han Sooyoung figured there was a good chance that he was desperately trying to avoid any more of her inane and strange requests.
—
Han Sooyoung was surprised when she woke up in the morning. She woke up early, and for maybe the first time in her life she didn't truly mind.
At least she had been able to fall asleep quickly, which she had worried about.
She quickly sat up and looked across her small room, to where Kim Dokja had slept.
He was still lying there, she wasn’t sure exactly why but Han Sooyoung had expected that Kim Dokja to be more of a night owl.
Not wanting to wake him she quietly got out of her bed and tip-toed over to her desk and opened her laptop.
She had enough to do, she actually had too much to do, but here she was writing and had so many more pressing matters she had to get attending to.
Regardless she was encouraged a little bit, she hadn’t written at all recently. Even if by all accounts it was not what she ought to be doing, it was more still productive and fulfilling than blankly staring at the screen as if that would change anything.
—
Han Sooyoung notices Kim Dokja begin to stir.
She watches him jolt up at the unfamiliar environment, his eyes scanning the room, and when they land on hers that are crinkling with building laughter she sees him finally land on the memories of last night and he eases.
A laugh escapes Han Sooyoung’s lips.
“Did you get that beauty sleep you needed?” a drowsy Kim Dokja asked as he rubbed his eyes.
Han Sooyoung narrowed her eyes.
“What exactly do you mean by ‘beauty sleep you needed’?” Forcing some apprehension and suspicion into her tone.
Kim Dokja looked like a deer in headlights, and for a second he couldn’t find any words, and when he did they came spilling out fast. “Iwasquotingyoufromlastnight.” He pleaded.
“I remember.” Han Sooyoung said with a sinister smile that quickly broke away to a laugh she had been suppressing. “I wanted to see you squirm.”
Remembering her laptop Han Sooyoung quickly closed it before any questions about what she was writing could arise.
“Come on, I’m buying you breakfast.” Han Sooyoung informed him, leaving absolutely no room for negotiation.
Chapter Text
Kim Dokja Pov:
Kim Dokja found himself sitting next to a sprawled out Han Sooyoung on her bed.
In her defense, she had been sitting like a normal human being. She had been busy typing away on some assignments and still easily holding a conversation with him. Than he asked his a question, she squirmed away and sulked.
“What was your life like before coming to university this last year?”
Han Sooyoung closed her laptop and thought about her answer.
“It was comfortable.” She said after a while. “I don’t know if I could go back, like to the state I was before. It wasn’t challenging and I didn’t grow. I am not sure that I could fit back there anymore.”
“What made you ask?” Han Sooyoung questioned following the silence of Kim Dokja considering her answer.
“You spoke about leaving the world that you knew on the other side of the country, I was just curious about what you left behind.”
“What or … who?” Han Sooyoung asked teasingly. “You do not need to worry.”
“I figured.” That wasn’t what Kim Dokja had been asking.
“Shuttt uppp.” Replied Han Sooyoung quickly with an exaggerated scowl drawn across her face.
Han Sooyoung was held by his questions. “What about you, what did you leave behind?”
Kim Dokja hesitated. He didn’t want to reply, but it wasn’t fair to reject it, especially after she answered his question.
“Not much, nor do I have anyone waiting for me.”
Han Sooyoung considered his answer, it was brisk, and she was surely considering it. He could tell that she was reading it in his eyes.
“Maybe it is just part of growing up? Home doesn’t seem the same anymore.”
Kim Dokja considered her words, he could figure that there was some emotion tinged in her tone.
He didn’t agree, but that was due to his circumstances. It painted how he interpreted the experiences of others. Han Sooyoung loved the world she left behind and he was sure that is how she felt about hers, a home.
It wasn’t fair to reject it because he didn’t have one of his own.
“Maybe, and for some sure.” Kim Dokja replied gently, and he hesitated to clarify and continue. He was going to keep it all to himself he decided suddenly. Then his eyes fell on her and he stiffened, and Kim Dokja changed his mind. “Some people are desperate to leave, … and I was one of them, for me it’s more than outgrowing or it being too familiar. I am finally out of their reach and I have no intention of going back.”
Kim Dokja knew that his upbringing would always follow him. It was part of who he was, and it was carried in all his scars. It had taken enough, he would not give it anymore.
Kim Dokja’s confession was followed by nothing but silence that stretched and endured.
“I don’t know what to say, but I am glad that you are here now then, for my sake and yours.” Han Sooyoung replied hesitantly.
“Sorry about making it so heavy.”
“Don’t worry, I am glad you’re talking.” Han Sooyoung said firmly.
Then something seemed to go off in Han Sooyoung and out of the blue she checked her phone.
“Fuck”
It broke the heavy atmosphere. “What is it?” Kim Dokja asked.
“I have a class in just a few minutes.”
“We are months into the semester, how do you not know your schedule?” Kim Dokja teased softly.
“Shut up, hey you want to come, it’s like a 200 person class or something in a huge lecture hall, one more person would not be noticed.”
“I am glad you’re going,.. But I don’t think I can make it, I have an errand that I ought to do.”
“I don’t blame you, it’s boring. Text me when you’re done.”
___
After saying his goodbyes, Kim Dokja found himself truly leaving the campus for the first time since he got there.
It was something that he knew he had been consciously avoiding.
Yet it couldn’t be avoided forever, and he would have to leave, even if just for a while.
After all there was no way they would have ever allowed a penitentiary to be right next to a university.
At least it wasn’t too far and there was a pretty direct path through the train stations.
‘It has been a while since we last talked, mom.’
___
It was as if Kim Dokja had stepped back into his past. He hated it.
He had always used public transport, his youngest memories on them being at only seven years old. He felt as if he was that same exact seven year-old kid.
It wasn’t even that crowded, it was the middle of the day and it seemed like the main crowds for the rush hours were truly absent.
Despite the abundance of space on the train Kim Dokja stood in a corner and tried to take up the least amount of space possible and his eyes were firmly fixed on the ground.
He hadn’t even done it consciously, it was just an old, and deeply entrenched habit. One that young Kim Dokja had and one that clearly persisted to this day.
A prayer, that if he could make himself as small as possible, and he did nothing to draw the attention of anyone, he might just be left alone.
Despite all the flaws of this habit, there was one positive that had made it stick to Dokja, it allowed him to read.
Eventually he heard his stop through the intercom, and in an instant he found himself only a few meters from the prison.
___
Despite the fact that she had been incarcerated. Despite the fact that it had meant their separation. Despite the fact that it had cost both of them the only house he had ever known. Kim Dokja could not shake the feeling that she enjoyed or at least appreciated her circumstances on the inside.
He had heard cases of it, but normally under different circumstances, people who could never create structure outside were truly appreciative of the structure demanded inside. Or people whose past and record made it impossible for them to re-enter, or at least they believed it to be so, went out of their way to go right back the second they were out.
Lee Sookyung had never been in jail before, and she wouldn’t be out for years. It wasn’t for either of those reasons.
Lee Sookyung had made a home, a new and drastically different life for herself.
Here she was a leader, respected and with a purpose. She looked out for her fellow inmates as she had once looked out for him.
They loved her for it.
Lee Sookyung had truly made the best of her new circumstances, the new opportunities, even when the circumstances were meant to be a burden. She could appreciate this new world and start for herself even when it was specifically designed to be dreary.
For years, and years Kim Dokja had never gotten that same opportunity. He had been entirely captive with his foster family.
Now, after he had finally left, even if just for university, he felt he might understand.
What a relief, what a privilege to start again, start somewhere new.
Kim Dokja finally felt he could empathize with what his mother experienced. He had felt at how quickly and completely she had accepted her new life. Kim Dokja finally felt as though he might be able to let it go.
All this went through Kim Dokja’s mind as he ascended the steps, as he checked in with the security to register for the visiting hours offered, and as he sat there waiting for his turn and Lee Sookyung.
It might be entirely different when he was actually talking to her.
___
Finally he was approached by a guard and led to a the rows of segmented desks that were mirrored on both sides, one side was for the visitors and the other was for the prisoners that they were visiting. The whole thing was divided by a thick wedge of glass.
Sometimes there had been a lot of noises and bodies around, other people checking in. But more often than not it was pretty empty. That was the case today.
The second he walked into view of the table and saw Lee Sookyung sitting on the other side he felt her eyes begin to bore through him.
Despite all her tenacity and ferocity, the most unnerving thing about her was the intensity of her gaze.
It was not merely an extension or a consequence of her tenacity and ferocity or anything of that kind. It was her insistence on knowledge. Whether it was offered willingly or not Lee Sookyung wanted to know, and if she could she would figure it out.
She didn’t respect secrets. Secrets and silence could do harm, yet people harbored them all the same. They held them anyway. Lee Sookyung could relate, once upon a time. And it had led to her only having one way out. She had vowed a one woman crusade against them since, be they hers, or anybody else’s.
While Kim Dokja sat there unnerved, Lee Sookyung finally decided to break from solely staring him down, as if trying to see through his very being.
“It’s been a long time, son. I had thought that you may have finally forgotten your mother.”
“It has been a few months.” Kim Dokja said apprehensively, both as a way of lackluster apology and pointing out that Lee Sookyung had been dramatic. He didn’t know how to feel. He felt as if he never did. There was a conflict in him. Right now it was more apparent than usual.
“How have your new circumstances been for you?’
“They have been good… actually far better than I could have expected.”
There was a change in the posture and stance of Lee Sookyung as she heard her words. A shiver went through Kim Dokja’s spine. He may have said more than he should have.
“‘Better than expected,’ you say? Why.” Kim Dokja imagined the air around them changing, growing darker and harsh to his skin, sharpened and irritated by her growing suspicion.
Speaking quickly Kim Dokja tried to ease her suspicion. “I enjoy my classes, the professors are capable and not overly prickly, I have gotten good marks.”
“It has been a long while, but there was a time when I was there to raise you. I still remember it. Despite your marks, you have never been a very diligent student.” Lee Sookyung had not bitten.
“What is your program?”
“Computer science.” He knew where she was going with this, this conversation had transpired before. She had not liked his choice before he went, and he knew that her grievances still stayed.
“You…you took those words, you heed their advice too much.”
“It is the program I chose. My reason was sound, it will give me opportunities.”
“I know why you are so intent on pursuing something like this.” Lee Sookyung replied with a sigh.
“What are you criticizing-”
“You are working off a false premise.” Lee Sookyung cut him off unbothered. “That if you can simply be self-sufficient you can be independent, that you can be safe. It won’t be enough, there is more than life to that.”
“It’s an education, it is supposed to be an asset for my future. What more is there, what am I missing out on?” Kim Dokja asked angrily, they had this conversation before and his patience was running dry.
“Being happy, making friends. You can’t make yourself strong enough to go through life alone, especially when it is often from within yourself that the hardest challenges arise. It’s a fresh start.”
“I have.” Kim Dokja replied through gritted teeth.
Lee Sookyung only stared at him.
“There’s something, something weighing on your mind. Something you aren’t telling me.”
‘For good fucking reason’ Kim Dokja thought defiantly.
And then Lee Sookyung saw right through him, and she knew that had been right in that instant. Her suspicion surged forward tenfold.
For a second her gaze fell, not satisfied or finished, but distracted. Lost in thought and running through different possibilities.
Lee Sookyung’s eyes rose steadily and dreadfully until they met Kim Dokja’s once more.
“You are in a relationship.” It was not a question.
Lee Sookyung didn’t stop there, Kim Dokja was still that little kid, who had spent hours by these desks sharing anything and everything he could. She knew that he only would withhold information when he knew that she would not approve.
Kim Dokja could see the concern fill Lee Sookyung’s face, and then it hardened and became action.
“I don’t want to hear it.” The words left Kim Dokja’s mouth before he even realized he was thinking them.
An awkward silence followed. It was not their natural rapport.
Kim Dokja finally found his tongue, and was about to speak, but as usual and true to form Lee Sookyung was quicker on the trigger.
“Now is not the time to be rebellious, Dokja” Her tone was chiding and dismissive.
“You are fra-, you are vulnerable, and nobody can hurt you more than those you let in close. They are a blindspot and you are all but defenseless against them.” She continued.
“I know that, do you not consider that affects who I let in close? You are far too severe and fatalistic.” Kim Dokja manages to finally interject.
“I once thought like you, and experience taught me better. There is admittedly a very select criteria that I would ever approve of with you, and that is someone who could not move themselves to hurt even a fly. I bet yours would.”
“You and your advice are so severe. You know nothing about her.” Kim Dokja was falling into her game. He could just walk away. He knew better, he couldn’t.
“Her?” Lee Sookyung replied with a tired sigh. “I am not allowed to leave these walls. I make do with what I must. I know you, and that is what matters.”
Kim Dokja could see it in her firm and set expression that she was not going to change her mind.
He didn’t know what to say.
“Alright, visiting hours are over!” The guard yelled. Dokja had forgotten about the guards in the room. So engaged with the conversation in front of him the world had become just them.
Quickly standing up and moving forward to agree. Grateful for the intervention and the end to what had been an unpleasant conversation.
‘It’s not the first time I have been grateful to be saved by the bell’ Kim Dokja thought sadly as he looked back at the desk.
His mother still sat there, stubborn and watching him before he left her sights. Kim Dokja was hit by a pang of remorse and guilt, and tried to swallow the frustration and anger of their meeting, he met her eyes and smiled. Until the guards on the other side had enough and dragged her away.
___
Kim Dokja found himself on the train going back to campus, and alongside him he was packed in with seemingly all of Korea looking to make their way home at the same time.
It’s uncomfortable. For so many these crowded circumstances were the norm. So why? Why did it bother him so much?
He found his way to a corner.
He stared at the ground and wished that the time would go faster.
Kim Dokja carefully pulled out his phone, taking effort not to hit or bump the people that were squished in all around him.
With a shock Kim Dokja realized suddenly that there was alternative for once to blankly staring at his phone. Han Sooyoung.
-Hey how was your class?-
-Long and I am glad it’s over.
Your errand done?-
-Yeah-
Still staring at the screen Kim Dokja tried to understand what was bothering him. Something was screaming to him in their conversation but he didn’t understand what at this moment. Why did he text her?
The answer was obvious, and Kim Dokja finally realized it.
After this trial of a day, to end it he only really wanted to do one thing. He wanted to hang out with Han Sooyoung.
-Hey want to go out somewhere-
Kim Dokja wrote out the text, but he didn’t press send. It wasn’t good enough, or something was fundamentally wrong, whatever it was there was something that was bothering him.
He tried to write it out again and again for a few minutes but whatever it was that was telling him it wasn’t good enough never changed it’s tune.
Finally accepting his defeat Kim Dokja was turned off his phone, and was put in his pocket.
He looked out the window as best he could through the crowd of bodies.
Through his trip he had hardly noticed them he realized with a shock.
It was a strange realization, at this moment he felt completely alone despite all the people crowded in on all sides.
Maybe that was just his fate?
Than Kim Dokja felt the vibration of his phone, and quickly went for it. He had forgotten his circumstances and slightly bumped a tired looking salaryman and quickly gave his apologies as he turned on his phone.
He couldn’t help but smile at the banner he saw.
-You want to come over? I have endured enough boredom today, save me!-
Grinning at the message, his reply came easily.
-Didn’t you have one class today-
-It was three hours man, are you able to come?-
-Yeah I am coming, my errand felt long to…
Kim Dokja stared at the message he was writing, finding that he wanted to say more
-Yeah I am coming, my errand went long too and I was really looking forward to just relaxing with you to end the day.-
After sending the message, anxious about the reply he put the phone away and waited for his stop.
___
Kim Dokja reached the eighth floor of the dorm, standing right before Han Sooyoung’s door.
He knocked, and the second his knuckles wrapped against the door it was flung up and found himself pulled in quickly.
He gave Han Sooyoung a bemused smile as she rushed to close the door the second that he was pulled in.
“Sorry, I might have heard some of my neighbors gossiping about you. Didn’t want to give them the ‘sighting’. Technically these rooms are not co-ed but no one really follows it, but I think I might be on a few of their enemies list.”
“Always so much happening in your life.”
Han Sooyoung face broke into a cheeky smile. “Look at when you don’t have enough going” throwing a thumb back towards the door. Just as she did Kim Dokja could swear he did hear some doors opening.
“Yappers.” Han Sooyoung said with a dramatic shake of the head.
“You are an author, you have a great vocabulary. Why do you use slang?” Kim Dokja pleaded, flabbergasted.
“What can I say, it’s fun. Especially around you because it draws that reaction.” Han Sooyoung replied playfully.
Finally Kim Dokja noticed the temperature, it was cold, looking around for the suspect he noticed that the window was wide open.
“Why is your room so cold?”
Han Sooyoung seemed to have forgotten. Quickly passing by him and closing the window. “I forgot about that, I just had a shower and must have left it open it is a little chilly.”
A little chilly might be a little bit of an understatement. He hadn’t really noticed what Han Sooyoung was wearing.
She was wearing a white v-neck sweater that was sporting a brand that looked fancy, but he was too broke to even recognize, and volleyball shorts, not to mention that her short black hair was darker than usual as it was still damp with water.
“Chilly? How are you not freezing?”
“I have liked the cold recently, it’s strange but I find it easier to focus and sleep in a cold room nowadays.”
“Just don’t catch a cold.”
“I think I’ll be fine. My defiant and stubborn demeanour’s got me.” Han Sooyoung replied easily.
“Like if I refuse to acknowledge it as real it can’t hurt me, right?”
Kim Dokja couldn’t ignore it again, and laughed despite himself. “What am I listening to?”
Han Sooyoung smiled for a second at his reaction. “Nothing. I just wanted to see you laugh, preferably at something stupid.”
Kim Dokja could not believe how different everything was. It was as though he had not just been given a new start at university, but if he was a whole different person. One with an entirely different life. There was no stronger piece of evidence for this than the smiling maniac in front of him.
After being reminded of the life of the “old” Kim Dokja, he realized something that he would have always thought impossible, he forgot. Not fully, but enough, it felt as though his life was distant, and separate.
He had been wrong, and now he experienced something entirely new. He was seeing his new life through old eyes.
With this new perspective, he found that he could not take his eyes off Han Sooyoung. He doubted that he could even talk to anyone like her, why did she care so much about him?
“What are you staring at?”
Kim Dokja quickly snapped from his thoughts. He hadn’t realized that he had zoned out, and worse he hadn’t realized that he had done so while staring at her while doing so.
Thankfully the tone of the words said that the question she had posed had been a rhetorical one, because Kim Dokja didn’t have an answer he wanted to give.
___
Han Sooyoung continued again, reading into Kim Dokja’s silence. “How did your errand go?”
“It wasn’t great, pretty ..” Then Kim Dokja remembered the expression on his mother’s face as he walked away, how she stayed at the glass until the guards dragged her away. He softened his tone, he hadn’t intentionally spoken with such frustration but he realized it now. “It was difficult, but it’s part of the job. It is what it is and it’s better than the alternative.”
“You want to talk about it?” Han Sooyoung asked quietly. Who Kim Dokja only realized now must have noticed that little internal conflict played out.
Kim Dokja took a deep breath, he knew his answer. “No, not really.”
“That’s perfectly fine” Han Sooyoung said softly, then in a suddenly much more mischievous tone “There’s some much more fun, at least for me, to talk about.” She paused ominously, giving Kim Dokja ample time to worry about the evil smile painted on Han Sooyoung’s face.
“Why do you seem so interested in my humble outfit, or more accurately the skin it is showing.” Han Sooyoung asked roguishly.
“I wanted to know how you aren’t freezing.” Kim Dokja stumbled over his words and it wasn’t very convincing, even to his own ears.
Han Sooyoung could certainly read what he was thinking, and she wordlessly smiled at him before finally speaking. “Liar.”
Kim Dokja didn’t have an easy response.
“You’re aware that I know I am attractive right? It wouldn’t be the end of the world for you to say it to me.”
“You are a fiend for validation.” Kim Dokja said with a sigh.
“And?” Han Sooyoung asked totally unbothered, and not breaking the focus she had kept on Kim Dokja.
He was kind of trapped, and realizing that there was little point in beating around the bush. “I did notice what you were wearing, and of course I find you attractive.”
Han Sooyoung pouted a little at his bland answer but didn’t answer right away.
“See, that wasn’t so hard, but it's not exactly what I am looking for.”
…
“You don’t see it, but I swear you are awfully eager for validation yourself.”
“You are too kind?” Kim Dokja replied dryly.
“You said the exact same thing of me!” Han Sooyoung complained at his response.
___
Kim Dokja wasn’t exactly sure how it happened but he found himself lying on one of the two beds in Han Sooyoung’s dorm. For some reason Han Sooyoung was lying down right next to him.
Kim Dokja was going to be staying over. He wasn’t on pleasant terms with his roommate and once Han Sooyoung had known that she had been insistent.
But why was she lying on his bed?
“Uh don’t you want to lie on your bed?”
“This is my room, both of these beds are mine. Brat.” she replied lightly and with a sleepy smile.
“Alright I’ll go.” Kim Dokja stiffly.
“Nuh, uh, don’t go. That was not what I was saying.” Han Sooyoung lightly wrapped and arm around his waist holding him back.
Kim Dokja stayed, lying there awkwardly for a while.
“Do you want me to go back to the other bed?”
…
“It’s fine.” Kim Dokja finally replied after a long pause.
“This weekend, we are going on a date,” Han Sooyoung whispered, tucking her head against his chest.
Notes:
Hopefully my interpretation of some of the dynamics between Kim Dokja and Lee Sookyung are not too far from cannon/your own.
Chapter Text
Han Sooyoung and Kim Dokja were at some french restaurant. It was supposed to be great, foreign food was supposed to be fancy, and it being a French restaurant specifically fit the equation.
Han Sooyoung was not convinced.
It had been a bleak day, and it looked as if the night was sure to follow suit. Han Sooyoung watched the current go spilling over the sidewalk into a storm vein. It had been raining the whole day, and Han Sooyoung found herself growing tired of the rhythms of the rain.
Almost distantly she understood that she should try and be more present. Make more of an effort to live in the moment, especially on a day like today. Yet waiting here, she found herself at odds with a truth within herself, that she was deeply impatient.
Han Sooyoung was desperately trying to be on her best behaviour, and she was being thoroughly tested.
She had prepared, she had done fucking research, made a reservation. Yet here they were; waiting.
Han Sooyoung had been presented with a choice suddenly and without warning, how to proceed next, strike out on a whim to try and find something else or to endure and wait it out.
Normally she knew exactly what she would have done, she would have left. Without a second thought.
But here? She hesitated. Too much could go wrong. If she asked where he wanted to go, what he wanted to do, there was always the chance that he might change his mind.
So here she was, trying to pretend that that fragile small string she called her sanity and composure wasn’t being frayed by a minor convenience.
Internally sighing, Han Sooyoung collected herself, snuck a peek at the time on phone for the thousandth time and tried to tell herself that it had only been fifteen minutes and she could endure.
Still, all that being said her companion wasn’t helping.
Kim Dokja wasn’t staring out the window aimlessly, nor would he have come off anywhere as irritated as Han Sooyoung. Regardless, Han Sooyoung could tell that he was checked out.
Kim Dokja could be very anxious, and the wait probably wasn’t helping. Han Sooyoung grit her teeth, that was another reason to begrudge the lousy restaurant.
Han Sooyoung stood, and stared far ahead, trying to forget the fact that she was waiting. It wasn’t working, she could feel her impatience building, like an itch, the longer ignored the louder it became.
She was failing.
“Are you grinding your teeth?” Han Sooyoung turned at the sound of Kim Dokja’s incredulous question.
Han Sooyoung had to remind herself that Kim Dokja was much more conscious of his surroundings than apparent.
She opened her mouth to respond, and then she realized suddenly that she had been.
The sudden realization must have been as obvious to him as it was to her at that moment.
“I figured you must have been getting impatient.”
“What makes you think the wait is bothering me?” Han Sooyoung challenged, after all she had nothing better to do.
“An educated guess.” Kim Dokja instantly replied.
She couldn’t deny it.
“Why are you trying so hard to hide it?” Kim Dokja asked when her silence gave him his answer.
“I don’t want to ruin the night. It’s a little wait, it’s unseemly to be so bothered and impatient. I don’t want what you think of me as to be stained by that. Images, perceptions are built, and once up, changing them or pulling them down takes so much more than whatever was needed to build them up.”
“I hate to break it to you, but my image of you is already pretty entrenched as headstrong, willful, bordering on obstinate…” Kim Dokja replied while showing a challenging smile, but one that only had amusement.
Han Sooyoung didn’t reply. She knew that he was trying to console her, but in doing so he also confirmed her fears.
She had a strange relationship with the idea of personal perceptions, the mental image subconsciously conjured in any meeting. She knew that was pretty strange, but she couldn’t say why, what caused her to be so sensitive and concerned about the image that preceded her.
Han Sooyoung was lost in thought, even forgetting the wait, and her building impatience. She was lost in thought, but suddenly she caught Kim Dokja’s eyes, and noticed that he was watching her.
His expression had changed, prior he was smiling, now it was quieter, gentle.
“Tonight, I won’t be making up my mind about you. That’s already happened, tonight we are just going to have fun. A fancy, proper date, it’s not our first. I don’t need to decide whether or not I like you or not, I already formed my opinion long ago.”
Han Sooyoung met his eyes, and when she did something passed between them. Realizing that what was said was true, and it applied on her side too.
“Thanks for -”
Kim Dokja playfully interrupted “For liking you?”
‘For reassuring me, comforting, and noticing and caring in the first place’ Han Sooyoung thought, but left it unsaid. “Well. I can’t help but feel awfully grateful for that, and more so after each day.” Han Sooyoung matched his playful tone, easily, after all she meant every word she had said.
A mischievous smile bloomed on Han Sooyoung’s face the instant she saw the slightest hint that Kim Dokja was flustered.
Breaking the grin that stretched from ear to ear, Han Sooyoung was about to chase it.
-Only to be cut off.
“We have a table ready for you.” A waitress spoke up from behind them.
“Sorry for the wait.” She added in a way that Han Sooyoung could only think that it was an afterthought.
The two were directed and seated at a table that had just been recently cleared on the other side of the restaurant.
The waitress directed them to the table that they were to be seated at.
As they walked, Han Sooyoung felt as though she was being watched. Instinctively she subtly glanced at the waitress as she walked by, and saw that they were being watched from the corner of the waitresses eye.
Han Sooyoung noticed the waitress who had walked away after seating them, looking at the pair. It was not a look that looked impassive to her either, it was out of the corner of her eye and it distinctively gave off the vibes of side-eye.
Instinctively Han Sooyoung worried that she had eavesdropped on their conversation.
There was something in the look that told her it was holding more. Han Sooyoung quickly swallowed her anger, after all it was at a slight she couldn’t know happened.
More importantly it forced her to ask a question of herself: why did she care?
—
Han Sooyoung’s knife and fork danced aimlessly around the edges of her plate, the food forgotten. It wasn’t due a fault in the food, rather the two diners were simply focused on each other.
The items that they had initially seen on the menu had been unfamiliar, but had proved not to be disappointing.
Regardless, here it sat forgotten.
It was never going to be the food, the restaurant, or the night’s show to steal, and it wasn’t why Han Sooyoung was here.
—
The restaurant was busy.
All the tables around them were full, and Han Sooyoung could hear that there were customers who were still yet to even be seated.
Han Sooyoung could have been totally blind and deaf to all the customers around them, and she still would have been able to come to this conclusion.
She could tell by the waitress. Stopping by the table, loudly and often. Eager for them to leave.
Han Sooyoung understood that it wasn’t an eagerness to kick them out, rather to seat the waiting and growing impatient unseated customers.
Han Sooyoung and Kim Dokja had been there a long time. It wasn’t disrespectful or out of the ordinary.
Han Sooyoung knew that she shouldn’t feel bothered. Yet she was, she knew it was unfair and irrational, but it angered her all the same.
Despite how busy it was all around them, at that table, during their date, when he met her eyes she saw it, the world was only the two of them.
After that, seeing those eyes shift away, called at from outside, was upsetting.
Kim Dokja seemed particularly sensitive to the demands of the world around him, and all its happenings, and he took his eyes off her.
With that their quiet, private world would break, and the noise of the world around them came rushing in to wash it all away.
Every time that happened, and every time the pest or shock that broke that shared moment was past, a desperately hidden anxiety built in Han Sooyoung’s throat, choking out her next breath.
Would they be able to find that connection, be able to pick up where they left off. Or would the magic be broken, and that private world that they shared left insignificant and lost beneath the waves of the world around them.
They did. Each and every single time, they had been able to. That didn’t mean that those interrupts were water under the bridge for Han Sooyoung. She harboured a grudge for being put to the trials.
They trampled on her paradise.
—
For the first time all day, the clouds were parting. As Han Sooyoung and Kim Dokja walked back to the station they had rode together on from campus, both were quiet.
Han Sooyoung looked at the terminal that displayed the times for the trains.
“The next train is in twenty minutes, do you want to just walk back to campus?”
It wasn’t far, and the rain had cleared. Yet twenty minutes was not a long wait at all.
That hadn’t been why Han Sooyoung had asked.
She wanted to know. Did Kim Dokja want to spend some more one on one time with her? Would he jump at the chance to? As she would?
“If you would like to.”
—
The small sidewalk was flanked on either side by lawns.
Greenspace, desperately needed in a dense and growing urban center.
There was no one else walking around at this time, even though it was only just past sun down.
Just a few feet further there was the street, and a constant stream of cars driving by.
Despite the constant hum of the cars driving by it was quiet, the world was quiet.
Along the winding way there stood solitary lampposts, standing sentinel over a path so rarely walked.
In the distance there stood an old university faculty building, its lights cast out evenly against its tall and uniform walls that had long grown out of fashion. The light it cast bled into the night.
All around them there was grass. Cut uniformly and often, after today all the blades were covered dew from the rains of the day, eager to catch all the nutrients that would only lead to a nuisance for the grounds crew some other day.
They had fallen into a silence as they walked, comfortable, but still not to Han Sooyoung’s taste.
As they walked from the busier bus station, Han Sooyoung noticed something. Something that reinforced and explained a phenomenon that she had noticed in the restaurant.
Kim Dokja was awfully shy.
‘Aren’t you a detective.’ Han Sooyoung thought snarkily to herself.
It was more than how it typically occurred, or at least how she understood it.
He was so aware of all the eyes around him, even if they weren’t on him.
When the eyes became too much? The softer, unique and vulnerable parts of himself hid themselves away.
Despite that he didn’t shrink away entirely, but it wasn't entirely genuine, in his absence he sent out a muted version of himself. Whenever that happened, Han Sooyoung felt so much lonelier than she had just moments before, even when right next to him.
Han Sooyoung had been observing him, and there were definitely particular traits that he repressed, but she couldn’t specify them confidently. Yet she knew the consequences, he pulled away.
Whether conscious or not, Kim Dokja was far more affectionate and interested in her when he was comfortable.
It was something of a bitter realization, but it was accompanied by another. Han Sooyoung was someone that Kim Dokja wasn’t unnerved by, he felt comfortable with her. For someone who was so conscious of those around them, Han Sooyoung felt that it was no small feat.
Instantly as that realization formed in her head, a thought rang through her whole being. A wish, and a selfish one, she wanted Kim Dokja to be able to be more confident because of her.
Han Sooyoung was quiet as she walked, chiding her own thoughts and trying to think through her plan.
Han Sooyoung had the wrong idea for her date, if she wanted to see where they stood, and fingers crossed take a step forward, she never should have gone to such a popular place.
Yet as the two of them walked along the quiet path, Kim Dokja softly tugging her to one side to avoid stepping in a giant puddle as she was very lost in thought, Han Sooyoung realized that now was far better.
Suddenly she stopped, Kim Dokja stopped and turned around when she wasn’t keeping up with his stride.
She was smiling at him, and it grew when he quietly returned the smile, albeit with a tinge of confusion.
“What’s up?”
“I don’t think I chose the best idea for a date.”
“I disagree, the food was really good, it was fancy. When you think of a date in a movie or show, that’s almost exactly what we had.” Kim Dokja reassured her.
There was one point that he didn’t address, and it was exact thing that Han Sooyoung expected.
“It was really crowded, and busy, the staff and even the other customers, like the whole energy of the restaurant, intruded on us … I think that it really bothered you.”
Kim Dokja looked ashamed, it upset Han Sooyoung.
Only then did she realize that this must have not been the first time someone brought up this issue.
Yet the look on his face quickly changed, and Han Sooyoung almost didn’t see the walls go up.
Almost.
“That just goes to show how good of a restaurant it was, it was a battle to get in.” Kim Dokja replied easily, and in a manner that was trying to reassure her.
Han Sooyoung cursed herself for having next to no practice with this throughout all her life prior, but now was no time for lamenting the past.
Han Sooyoung grabbed and held Kim Dokja’s hands, and as gently as her erratic being could manage she continued.
“You can tell me the truth, I want to hear what you think, what you feel. Don’t filter yourself for me!”
She bit her tongue, physically bit her tongue, she had tried to be gentle. In an instant Han Sooyoung had lost her composure to how intently she felt about the subject.
Han Sooyoung ignored the slight coppery taste building in her mouth, instead watching Kim Dokja’s reaction to her words.
She was glad to see that it wasn’t just the walls he put up that heard her words. She could tell because there was evident emotion written across his face.
She was very glad to see it, even though it was confusion and frustration.
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“That is easy to say, and it’s safe, but it’s not true.”
Han Sooyoung saw the expression building on Kim Dokja’s face, and suddenly she thought back to a comment she had often heard throughout her life. That she had a stubborn look on her face. She hadn’t exactly understood what that entailed until now.
She was losing his ear.
If she was trying to convince him to allow himself to be more vulnerable with her, it was only sensible and fair that she did the same.
“I really wanted to kiss you, and forgive my audacity but I think that you let me, if you weren’t so conscious of the people around you. I was scared of being rejected, and worse I was scared of being right, and it still not mattering.”
Han Sooyoung wasn’t surprised by the reaction her confession left on Dokja. He was stunned silent.
The silence lingered. They had long stopped walking, they stood still at a crossroads.
“See? Being genuine is more than just a truth or deceit, some vulnerability you just have to stomach. Words sometimes have to be said, otherwise nothing will happen. Worse, in my own experience the words not said never leave you, they haunt, and they linger, like violent dark waters they will shallow you and drag you down.”
When Kim Dokja finally spoke, Han Sooyoung had to strain her ears to catch the words. This was despite how close she had unconsciously encroached to him.
“I worry that your words are wasted on me.”
“They aren’t. “
“How can you be so certain?”
That gave Han Sooyoung pause. She was certain, but why?
“... I think it is because, for one of the very few times, I know exactly where I am going, and what I want. I know that you have thoughts and feelings, your own story to share. It might be selfish but I want you to be able to tell it to me, and I will be able to tell you mine.”
Han Sooyoung tried to reach for him gently, but it was truly to ensure that he would not turn away.
“I really like you. I don’t want you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells, hold your breath, or bite your tongue, not around me. I’ll try to let myself be vulnerable with you, and if you want or are willing to do the same, I’ll be there.”
Han Sooyoung had said her piece, and a strange feeling had dwelled within her. It wasn’t often that Han Sooyoung felt as though she had spoken enough, but she did now.
It was out of her hands. She had made a choice, now it was Kim Dokja’s turn to make his own.
Watching his face intently trying to understand just what he was thinking, and what he was going to do.
She noticed his face scrunch up, and the word froze for her. Kim Dokja had come to a decision.
Kim Dokja caressed her chin, and lifted it ever so slightly.
He lowered his face down to hers, and kissed her.
Notes:
Genuinely thought that this chapter would be coming out at the start of May, rather than right at the end.
Sorry for the wait, and thanks for reading.
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AConfusingIdiot on Chapter 2 Fri 29 Nov 2024 10:00PM UTC
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Cat_Thief46y on Chapter 2 Sat 11 Jan 2025 11:28PM UTC
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0TheOldestDream0 on Chapter 3 Sun 05 Jan 2025 02:46AM UTC
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AConfusingIdiot on Chapter 3 Sun 05 Jan 2025 05:17PM UTC
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0TheOldestDream0 on Chapter 3 Sun 05 Jan 2025 06:06PM UTC
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0TheOldestDream0 on Chapter 3 Sun 05 Jan 2025 06:07PM UTC
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AConfusingIdiot on Chapter 3 Sun 05 Jan 2025 08:48PM UTC
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Cat_Thief46y on Chapter 3 Sat 11 Jan 2025 11:57PM UTC
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AConfusingIdiot on Chapter 3 Sun 12 Jan 2025 12:36AM UTC
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Cat_Thief46y on Chapter 3 Sun 12 Jan 2025 09:54AM UTC
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0TheOldestDream0 on Chapter 4 Sat 11 Jan 2025 07:31PM UTC
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Cat_Thief46y on Chapter 4 Sun 12 Jan 2025 12:19AM UTC
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AConfusingIdiot on Chapter 4 Tue 14 Jan 2025 07:08PM UTC
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0TheOldestDream0 on Chapter 4 Sat 25 Jan 2025 11:55PM UTC
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AConfusingIdiot on Chapter 4 Sun 26 Jan 2025 01:42AM UTC
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0TheOldestDream0 on Chapter 4 Sun 26 Jan 2025 01:43AM UTC
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AConfusingIdiot on Chapter 4 Mon 27 Jan 2025 04:12AM UTC
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0TheOldestDream0 on Chapter 4 Mon 27 Jan 2025 08:44AM UTC
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0TheOldestDream0 on Chapter 5 Sun 26 Jan 2025 03:23AM UTC
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Cat_Thief46y on Chapter 5 Tue 28 Jan 2025 10:23AM UTC
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AConfusingIdiot on Chapter 5 Thu 30 Jan 2025 11:54PM UTC
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0TheOldestDream0 on Chapter 6 Fri 07 Mar 2025 03:18AM UTC
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AConfusingIdiot on Chapter 6 Wed 12 Mar 2025 09:34PM UTC
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Ovyddas on Chapter 6 Fri 07 Mar 2025 07:56PM UTC
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AConfusingIdiot on Chapter 6 Wed 12 Mar 2025 09:31PM UTC
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