Marilyn's Magic House of Madness

by It5_ok_to_like_thing5 (MishaMochiMu)

Summary:

Raine Whispers isn't the marrying type. Neither, it seems, is Eda. However, when she stops to think about her past, Eda realizes she might still be married to that guy from Vegas she met years ago. When Eda realizes this, she suggests a spontaneous trip to the Human Realm to have Raine meet the man Eda may still be legally married to.

Stan Pines isn't Mr. Mystery anymore. Soos has filled the role quite nicely, but the two struggle over differing management strategies of the Mystery Shack. When a familiar stranger re-enters Stan's life with the ability to put on a show better than anyone in Gravity Falls, Stan jumps at the opportunity to prove that his creative vision still is up to snuff.

OR

In which Eda and Stan get along swimmingly, Raine gets a teeny bit jealous of what they have, Soos is an icon, Ford is a voice of reason, and all parties learn their value to each other.

Notes:

This chapter is sponsored by small bite-sized chocolates. I am only still awake because my roommate saw me wilting and gave me chocolate. I do not deserve her, she is a saint.

This chapter is also sponsored by procrastination. I have been meaning to write all week. I have instead, not written- all week. Today, I meant to finish a study sheet for my last Stats quiz (in a great deal of fear because my last stats quiz left me with a 60% and I am horrified) but instead got 1/8th of the way through and then gave up to have a conversation with my friend about Star Trek (holy shit woah good job Spirk fans this is huge for fandom history), Gravity Falls AUs and current fic ideas I have in my head, and Lord of the Rings. This conversation started at 5:30 and lasted, not one, not two- but FIVE hours. Honestly, it was a blast. But did not help me finish the chapter I wanted to post tonight in time. So tonight, I shall leave you with this beautiful beginning to a crossover fic, and in the morning, I'll kill you.

Chapter 1

 

Raine paced by the Owl House door, picking at their hand as they went over the conversation they’d played again and again in their mind. 

 

Eda had been dating them for well over three years now. And while many a witch never got married, it was still expected that most long term relationships like theirs would culminate in, well, marriage. And Raine had played with the idea. They’d given it their all. But Raine wasn’t the marrying type. They doubted they ever would be. 

 

So now they stood in front of the door, bouquet clutched in their hands, fixing their button down vest with the same fury snorses attack their morning oats. They were supposed to be in there six minutes ago. They thanked the Titan Hooty was spending the evening with Lilith, unable to comment on how sweaty they’d gotten as they waited for the right moment to go in. Raine mustered all their courage and poked their head through the door. 

 

“Edalyn?” their voice cracked. 

 

Eda was lounging on her couch, flipping through a book Luz had given her about some sort of dorky murdering robot in space. At the sound of Raine’s voice, she startled, put the book on the coffee table, and sat upright, worry creasing her face. “Uh oh. You only call me that when something’s wrong.”

 

A flush fell over Raine. “I do not!” they cried, indignant. 

 

“Yeah, wise guy?” Eda snorted. “Then what’dya bring the flowers for?”

 

 Raine hid the bouquet behind their back. “What flowers?”

 

“You know, I would’ve thought you’d get better at lying to me Rainestorm. I know all your tricks now.”

 

Raine swallowed, cursing themselves for how they came in. This wasn't going at all according to their corkboard of possibilities. “I really like dating you.”

 

Eda smiled. “I like dating you too, Raine.”

 

She said it with such tenderness, such glee, it made Raine’s heart swell. They could sing. Instead, they blurted, holding out the flowers in front of Eda. 

 

“I don't want to ever stop dating you!” they yelled, causing some of the petals to blow into Eda’s hair. 

 

Eda pushed down the bouquet and looked up at Raine, looking perplexed. “Then- don't?”

 

Raine ran their fingers through their hair, sitting next to Eda on the couch. “Ugh! I’m doing this all wrong!”

 

Eda took their hand in her own. “No, no. Just take a moment to breathe. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Raine smiled, looking into her mis-matched eyes. They breathed a heavy sigh. 

 

“Eda. I love you so much. I am so glad we’ve gotten another chance at this and I don’t want to mess things up, but I- well- and I need to talk with you about where we go from here.”

 

Eda’s face fell, feathers sprouting from her neck. “This isn’t- we're not breaking up, are we? ‘Cause my eyescream shipment got delayed by another week ‘cause Hooty ate the last guy. And we have that whole dinner date planned at-”

 

“Eda, I’m not breaking up with you.”

 

“Okay good,” she laughed, brushing away a small bead of sweat on her forehead. “I just got a little worried with how you were going about this whole thing-”

“Sorry.” Raine ran a soft hand down her neck, and took her hook in their other hand. “I’m not going anywhere either, okay?”

 

Eda nodded. Raine took another breath. 

 

“I want to keep dating you. I love being your partner. But… I don’t want to get married.”

 

Eda’s ears flicked up. “You don't?”

 

“I’ve thought it over a lot, and I don't think it’s really my scene? If that makes sense. I don’t need a new day to stress over and try to make perfect to prove that I love you. I have an anniversary. I have you. And for me that’s enough. You know?”

 

Eda beamed. “Yeah, I do.”

 

Raine sunk into the couch. “Oh thank the Titan. I was so worried you’d be upset.”

 

“Why would I be upset?”

 

“Well, some people really like getting and being married and there's this whole expectation-”

 

Eda rolled her eyes and Raine stopped to think. “You and I both know I defy expectations like it’s my job!”

 

“Why aren't you upset?”

 

Eda flicked a stray hair from her face. “Eh, I guess it’s not my thing. I’m a free spirit, I got all the people I care about already- the government can stay out of it-”

 

“Eda, we are the government.”

 

“Ah. Right. I like to keep a work-life balance then. Healthy separation. Besides, ‘Been there- done that’, you know?”

 

Raine turned to Eda, still picking at the loose strand of hair. 

 

“What do you mean ‘been there done that’?” 

 

Eda stopped picking and turned to Raine. “Oh, did I not tell you?” She laughed. “Yeah, I got married! Centuries ago, now.”

 

Raine’s jaw hit the floor. “You what?”

 

“Actually, I'm not sure we ever formally even divorced- my memory of it all is a bit hazy,” she snorted. “He was a hoot, let me tell you. I actually think you’d like him a lot!”

 

Raine adjusted their glasses to get a better look at the witch in front of them. There was still so much they didn’t know about Eda’s life, even after all these years. Her curse, her adulthood, her life on the run- and now her marriage?

 

“Is he… still around?”

 

“I’m not sure! I bet he’s still kickin’ somewhere. Grimey ol’ bastard. Wanna see?”

 

The question knocked Raine off guard. “Now?”

 

“Sure! We got nothing else going on tonight, right? Why not pop over to the human realm for a bit of sleuthing?”

 

“He’s a human?!” Raine exclaimed. “You married a human man?!”

 

Eda pulled Raine off the couch, forcing them to leave the bouquet on the table. “I’ll catch you up while we head to the Collector! He’ll get us there in no time.”

Chapter 2

Summary:

Soos runs things a bit differently at the Mystery Shack. Stan has opinions.

Notes:

WOAH finals kicked the shit out of me. It's been a hot minute. Still don't have a gf but that happens when you ace accounting (Fuck Yeah (tm)). But ya girl kissed a girl so she's got ideas for her more romance-focused fics. Ya girl is also like applying for loans and internships and trying not to cry cause she watched all of Arcane in three days and cant shut the fuck up about Jayvik and Fiddauthor and still has to watch Agatha all Along. Seriously though I will have to read a shit ton of Arcane fics (Timebomb has a chokehold on me yikes) and then I will see about crafting my own fan works for those goobers. Let me know if you have any good fic recs (I love a fix-it or a post-canon/canon compliant)

This chapter was going to be longer but then I kept flip flopping and I realized if I didn't post something I would let the whole world end before I posted another chapter. So enjoy this angsty old man chapter and get ready for the actual crossover of this crossover fic (coming soon I promise).

 

 

Soos had filled the role of Mr. Mystery perfectly, showmanship and love pouring out of every tour the man gave. Stan had watched a few tours himself, of course. He was so proud. How could he not be? The kid was a natural fit: a man so brimming with excitement and passion that it was impossible to draw your eyes away from him. 

 

Of course, Stan still had a few notes. 

 

“Where’s the no refunds sign, kid? What are ya, handing this stuff out for free?”

 

Soos turned to look at him, a puzzled expression on his face. He quickly flicked his eyes over to the corner where a new sign hung up touting a ridiculous, unfulfillable message: ‘See You Next Summer!’

 

It wasn’t even true. Customers never came back, and if they did, they already lived in the town and couldn’t be grifted any more than Stan had already managed. 

 

“Oh, hahaha right! I took down that sign a while ago. Must've forgotten!” he chuckled, closing the door behind the last customer as he winded down for the night. Stan at least understood the importance of closing early- nothing, not even money, was more important than carving out time for your family. 

 

Then again, it was Stan’s responsibility to make sure that Soos did well. He wasn’t technically family- he was the old Mr. Mystery- a mentor- so Soos wasn’t technically off the clock. Stan picked up an unfolded shirt some kid had left on the floor and began folding it. 

 

“Uh huh. And what’s all this nonsense about the gnomes? You’ve got them all over the shack- scampering around like rats! I can barely make a jelly sandwich without one jumping at my feet and giving me a heart attack!”

 

Soos rubbed his neck. “Well, Mr. Pines- I mean-”

 

“I get that you wanna make use of what attractions you got, but there’s plenty in the mystery shack already- and most of them won't unionize and rise up against you on a random tuesday afternoon- although the jackalope needs some serious TL&C, if you catch my drift. And your introduction could use a bit more of the old grimey flare- a little good ol’ fashioned, old-timey pizazz! I can teach you the ropes. Ha! Like old times-”

 

“Mr. Pines-”

 

One can invent and create all they desire before realizing with only a bit of bitterness that their back has got too creaky and eventually resign to pass their knowledge to the new generations. That’s the secret to staying relevant in old age- one simply has to never stop teaching. He placed the shirt down on the pile, turning his back fully on the shopkeeper, laughing. “Soos, it’s like I always tell ya: if you belittle and bewitch the customers, they won't notice when you rob them all blind-!”

 

“Stan!” Soos shouted. 

 

Stanley jumped and turned quickly to face Soos. The younger man didn’t look grateful, or even thankful. His face was a shade of red Stan hadn’t gotten used to seeing outside of a difficult repair job. He looked frustrated. 

 

“Thank you, dood. I appreciate your advice, but I don’t need your help around here- things have actually been going like, real smoothly! People like my show. They enjoy the attractions. People like the fact that I choose to give them refunds! I’ve been reading up on the economics of ethical business- and kindness and sincerity really does have a positive effect. Real circular stuff! I’ve seen it at the Mystery Shack first hand!”

 

Stan looked around him. It was still the Mystery Shack, there was no doubt about it. Attractions of a smaller sort decorated the corners of the gift shop, and the shelves were filled with hats, snow globes, keychains, shirts, and mugs for the shoppers to enjoy. But it wasn’t the same. Prices were lower than they should have been, the counters were dusty, unused, and the water fountain was far too clean for people to even consider buying the bottled water the vending machine touted. If he continued down this road-

 

Soos could run the place any way he liked, but Stan wouldn’t be complicit in watching Soos burn down his best chance at success. Not Soos.

 

“Soos, take it from me- you need to be more aware of your customers. These guys aren’t the type to want all this on a high-end scale. They don't want to be loyal to a one-stop-shop. They’re suckers! They want their cheap entertainment and a quick souvenir and then they want to get back on a bus and drive straight back to Nantucket.”

 

Soos looked away from Stan and took off his fez, placing it on the countertop. Stan laughed. 

 

“And really, Soos? Sincerity? In this economy? You’ve tried reading on ethical business- try running the place for a few years, and pay attention! It doesn’t work like that- not for the Mystery Shack! We run a business on tricking people into buying more souvenirs! If we were honest, people would run in the other direction! Forget ‘returning’ customers, we’d be broke!”

 

Soos sagged his shoulders and turned back to Stan, suddenly looking very tired. “Mr. Pines, I love that you’re here. I love having you around and Melody loves having you around, and the little dood on the way loves it too, I’m sure- but we didn’t invite you out here so you could go all 'Mr. Mystery' again. You gave that role over to me, right? We invited you out here because we like spending time with you!”

 

Stan’s throat went dry. “Was that a threat?”

 

Soos’ eyes went wide. “What? No, dood. I would never threaten you with any-”

 

“Really? ‘Cause what I just heard sure sounded a lot like ‘keep your mouth shut or I’m kicking you to the curb.’”

 

Stan had to clench his fists to stop himself from shaking. He had to hand it to the kid. He hadn’t thought Soos was capable of standing up for himself, and he sure as hell didn’t think Soos was capable of threatening silence over a lifelong conman. 

 

Maybe Stan didn’t know Soos at all.

 

Soos leaned down to Stan, holding his hands palms-out like Stan was some sort of animal that would bite him at any moment. “Woah, hey. Mr. Pines, you are always welcome in my home. Like, forever. Let’s just get some dinner, okay?” 

 

“Fine,” Stan grumbled, brushing past Soos to get out of the souvenir shop. He could fall into line, if that’s what the big man of the house wanted. He’d had plenty of experience doing that. But that didn’t change the fact that someone needed to show Soos what Stan meant. The more you can pull one over on your customers, the more you’d pull ahead of any and all competition. Stan’s advice was sound- fantastic, even. He just needed to set up something flashy enough to prove it.