Chapter Text
The Girl Whose Name is Jordyn Nakpil
My darling,
let me tell you a secret.
Every morning
I feel so blessed
watching the sun
rising from your heart.
- Alexandra Vasiliu
Sometimes, people often forget that senior high school students, at the end of the day, are still students. Teenagers struggling to figure themselves out, trying their best to survive the demands of school, responsibilities of being a child of their parents, or for people who have it worse, support themselves while studying. Most adults expect them to make the right decisions, think with all the pros and cons at hand, and just be as ‘perfect’ as they are.
For Saachi, she’s just lucky that her mom gives her enough autonomy. Her mother has three rules for her. One, try everything once except for illegal things. Second, don’t get in trouble. Lastly, if she ever gets in trouble, Saachi needs to take accountability for it. She learned at a very young age that she’s supposed to think twice before doing something. She also learned that if she wants something, she must do things to deserve to have it.
Now that she’s a senior, grade 12, to be exact, she has one goal: graduate. Maybe get herself a boyfriend or girlfriend, whichever God gives her, along the way. She doesn’t mind. The thing is, though, guys tell her she’s too kikay for them. Girls just think she’s straight. There’s nothing wrong with being cisgender but that’s just not her. In Saachi’s mind, she can love girly things, pink, and frills and make up and still swing both ways. She doesn’t want to be restricted by society’s standards.
“Saachi, anak, tama na pag tulala diyan at aalis na!” her mom yells from the main door. It’s too early for Saachi. Her brain doesn’t start functioning until eight in the morning. It’s barely five thirty.
Saachi takes her backpack from the couch, swinging it over her shoulder. Her mom locks their door and exits their gate with her following. She has one of her earphones in one ear and the other free just in case her mom decides to talk to her.
Living and growing up in Manila, they’ve grown accustomed to going to work slash school early to make sure they don’t come late. Minutes are crucial in commuting. One time, Saachi left at around five forty five and arrived in school around seven thirty. She was late that day. But when she leaves at five thirty, she’s in school by six twenty at the latest. That one hour difference screams a lot.
Still, Saachi prefers to sleep rather than be early. But since her mom wants to make sure she goes to school and doesn’t oversleep, she has no choice but to wake up earlier than usual every Monday.
Since it’s the first day of school, she’ll ride with her mom. She’ll never be a grade 12 student again so this day, even though it’s not obvious, is special. She doesn’t bother wearing her uniform because she knows that she won’t be sanctioned yet. Her mom looks at her lovingly and smiles. Saachi smiles back. She loves her relationship with her mom. Sure, they might not have the most lavish life but she’s content with it. Her mom’s a retired flight attendant turned office employee. This is the sacrifice her mom made to make sure she has a parental figure while growing up.
The good thing about being early is the fact that there are less people waiting to ride jeepneys. Since it’s still early, most people are taking their time. This gives Saachi and her mom a chance to relax.
They ride the empty jeepney with just three people inside, two being them. Saachi scrolls through her phone as her mom counts the coins in her wallet. Sitting at the end of the jeepney, there’s only one person by the middle part.
“Bayad po,” her mom says. Saachi watches as her mom tries to scoot close to the driver but a hand extends towards her, asking for their fare.
“Ako na po,” a soft voice tells her mom. Saachi looks at the person who owns the voice. She recognizes the uniform but doesn’t recognize the face. She’s pretty, Saachi thinks. Thin lips, pointed nose, and eyes shielded by wide black rimmed glasses.
Her mom gives the girl the money, “Thank you, hija.”
The girl smiles before handing the money to the driver, “Manong, bayad daw po. Dalawa po yan. Tapos eto po ang bayad ko, isang estudyante po.”
After paying, the unnamed girl moves to the end of the jeepney, just in front of Saachi. She puts her earphones on and leans her head against the handle of the jeepney, closing her eyes to take a quick nap.
Saachi, from time to time, looks at the girl. She looks like she’s in deep sleep. She can’t stop herself from looking because in her years studying at her school, she has never seen that girl. Saachi can now safely assume that the girl’s a grade 11 transferee. She has no ID yet since it’s just the first day of school and IDs aren’t issued until the third week.
Around six o’nine, the jeepney stops by the village gate of their school. Saachi says goodbye to her mom before going down, the new student following after her. Saachi watches as the jeepney starts to move again with her mom waving her goodbye. She turns to the village gate after a few seconds, with the unnamed girl already walking by the entrance.
Saachi walks a bit behind the girl. She watches, observes the girl from afar. She’s really not familiar yet. Saachi gets annoyed when the sun’s first rays of the day hit her face. She uses her hand to cover her face then sees the girl standing still for a few seconds, letting the sun’s rays touch her face. Saachi stands there, half curious and half awed. When the girl starts walking again, she does too.
When she gets inside the school, she loses sight of the girl. Saachi proceeds to the fourth floor of the senior high building and finds her classroom. Seniors stay on the fourth floor while juniors stay on the fifth floor. Being alone in her classroom, Saachi puts her arms together and leans her head down. She has at least an hour to sleep. Hopefully, her classmates don’t make too much noise. She sleeps with the image of the unnamed girl in her mind.
~
The next time Saachi opens her eyes, their adviser is already in front, asking them to fall in line properly so they can go to the SHS AVR and have their assembly for the first day of school. Saachi stretches her arms upwards and yawns before she makes her way to place in the line. It’s arranged not by height but by class number.
Inside the AVR, some of her batchmates are already there. Saachi chooses a random seat by the window so she can zone out while teachers talk about the same thing she has been hearing for years.
“Grade 11, settle down na,” she hears her former adviser say. Saachi puts her chin against her hand as she turns to see their lowerclassmen find their seats. She spots a few familiar faces from junior high but she also sees some unfamiliar faces. One of them being the unnamed girl she rode the jeepney with earlier.
So she is a transfer student. Saachi stares at her, knowing that it’s safe from the curiosity of her classmates. Even with the orientation ongoing, Saachi just looks at the girl, who is religiously taking down notes. She knows just by looking that the girl is grade conscious. Who the hell writes notes during orientations? She unconsciously shakes her head.
“You have a concern, Sach?” her adviser asks.
Realizing that her face has subtitles again, Saachi smiles, “Wala po, Sir. Please proceed.”
Their adviser nods, “As I was saying, grade eleven new students, sign up sheets will be posted soon. Make sure you sign up before the deadline or else we will have to choose your orgs for you. Org work will be graded and it will affect your overall standing.”
Saachi looks at her again, just to find her writing down notes.
After being dismissed, she goes back to her classroom and continues with her life. It’s nearly ten in the morning, she now has enough energy to interact with her friends. So Saachi takes her bag to grab her lip gloss and powder. She prettied herself to become more presentable before taking her phone and approaching her classmates.
“Tiktok time!” Saachi squeals.
~
“So bakit ang konti ng nag sign up sa atin?” Ashley, their president asks.
Saachi shrugs while fixing her lashes, “Hindi ko alam, Ash. Baka kasi ang panget ng pubmat na pinost ni Bea.”
“Ako na naman? Lahat naman ng instruction ni Ash sinunod ko ah?” Bea answers from across the room.
“We have ten applicants, girls. Hindi ba kayo bothered? Tayo pinaka konti na applicants. Mas marami pa ang fitness and they just do zumba every week!” Ashley says.
“Quality over quantity, I guess? I mean, think about it, Ash. We’re really not a fun org. We do volunteer work. People our age don’t find that fun. They find it tiring. Pero sa atin, we find it fulfilling to help other people. Hindi naman lahat may calling to help,” she explains to their president.
The argument would have gotten longer if it wasn’t for the knock on the door. They all turn to look at it. As the door opens, the unnamed girl Saachi has been looking at secretly enters the room with a shy smile.
“You are?” Ashley asks.
Black rimmed glasses girl (or for Saachi, cutie girl) bows slightly, “Jordyn Nakpil po. Jordy for short.”
Jordyn.
Saachi smiles to herself. Finally, there’s a name for the girl who has been occupying her mind. Full name too. She’ll have the time of her life looking for her on social media later when she gets home.
“Jordy,” Ashley stands and walks up to the grade 11 student. She takes Jordyn’s hands and smiles, “You signed up for CIS? Talaga? Why?”
Jordy smiles sheepishly, “I like po to help those in need. It makes me feel grateful.”
“You’re in!” Ashley announces.
“Po?”
“Ash!” Saachi calls the attention of their president. “Ano ka ba? May process tayo. We need to check their grades, their referral from teachers, and kung papasa sa interview,” she explains.
Jordyn looks at her, “Okay. When do I submit them and to whom?”
Saachi gives Jordyn a look from head to toe before smiling widely, “Bukas na agad. At least one recommendation from any teacher.”
“Transferee ako, paano yun?”
“Adviser mo. Or our guidance mentor. For sure naman nag submit ka ng other requirements upon admission, diba?” Jordyn nods at her question. “Then ask our guidance mentor na lang. For your grades, I think Ms. Riyel can note na lang na you have no failing grade, seeing that you’re here now. Tapos for your interview, when ka ba pwede?”
Jordyn checks her phone, “Pwede naman today or tomorrow afternoon. Lunch time is also okay. Sino po ba mag interview sa’kin?”
She looks at Ashley and Bea, who both point at her. “Bakit ako?” Saachi asks.
“Sach, ako na nag interview sa ninety percent ng applicants. Wala ka pang ambag bukod sa nail polish na dala mo kanina. Mahiya ka naman,” Ashley tells her.
Saachi turns her attention to Jordyn, “Ako pala. Wala naman pala akong choice kasi decided na sila.”
“Okay,” Jordyn smiles. Saachi feels something tug in her chest. “Please let me know na lang what time para I can come find you. I left my contact details naman sa sign up form.”
“Sure,” Saachi nods. When Jordy leaves, she sits back down.
“Bakit ang sungit mo, beh?” Bea asks.
“Ha?”
“Doon kay Jordy. Ang sungit mo. Normally friendly ka naman,” Bea explains.
Saachi shrugs, “Hindi naman? I think normal naman since I need to interview her pa? Di pwede maging chummy-chummy agad?”
She didn’t mean to treat Jordyn like that. She just didn’t want Jordy to get an idea that she remembers her because clearly, Jordy doesn’t remember her.
That afternoon, when Saachi gets home, she searches for Jordyn’s social media account. She finds her instagram. She doesn’t post much. Just a few trips with her family, her dog, and maybe one or two selfies. She looks like she also lives a simple life. It’s also obvious that she’s very close to her family.
Saachi turns her phone off and closes her eyes.
Jordyn Nakpil. She doesn’t know why but she likes seeing the girl. She can’t stop thinking about the girl.
Tomorrow, she’ll try to wake up early. She wants to see if she’ll be able to ride the jeep again with Jordy there. Maybe the world is on her side. If not, she’ll try again the next day.
~
The moment Saachi wakes up, prepares for school, and goes down to make herself a sandwich before heading out at nearly five in the morning, her mom asks her, “Anak, nilalagnat ka ba?”
Saachi answers with, “Hindi, ma. Bakit?”
“Nagising ka kasi ng kusa. Hindi kita kailangan balibagan ng kaldero.”
“Ma!” Saachi laughs. She checks the time, “Ay shutabells. Alis na ‘ko, ma! Baka matraffic ako.” She makes her way to the door and walks to where the jeepneys pass by.
Saachi rides the first jeepney that stops in front of her. She looks around, waiting for Jordyn but nope. The person inside isn’t Jordyn. It’s just a random person with the same uniform as theirs. The whole day, she doesn’t see Jordyn. Maybe a glance, but no interaction until it’s org time.
The senior waits for her orgmates to arrive for the interview. Then she remembers that she’s the only one who will be interviewing Jordyn Nakpil. She pretties herself, brushing her hair, making sure there aren’t any strands standing up. She also puts on her most favorite lipgloss followed by a light blush. Just so she won’t look pale when interviewing the younger girl.
When Jordyn knocks and enters their org room, the girl’s hair is tied into a half ponytail with her black rimmed glasses. Partnered by a soft smile, Saachi just looked away so she wouldn’t stare too much. “Hi, Saachi. Ikaw lang mag interview sa akin today?”
Saachi nods, “Yup. Upo ka na, Jordyn.”
“Jordy.”
“Ha?”
“Jordyn kasi parang teacher or parents ko tumatawag. Jordy na lang,” Jordy puts down her folder and sits. She smiles at Saachi again, “So, how does this interview process work? I made a five-minute presentation ng project na gusto ko sanang gawin natin. Just an idea.”
Saachi nods, “I’ll ask a few questions tapos you can present your project. Pero five minutes lang.” She opens her laptop and opens the document containing all the questions for their applicants. It’s mostly about their perspectives so it’ll just be quick. “First, why did you decide to join CIS? There are lot more orgs na pwedeng salihan for leisure so why CIS?”
“Because it makes us human. I mean, we’re already privileged enough to be born without worrying kung may kakainin tayo sa buong araw. Kung saan tayo mag-aaral the next year or worse, kung makakapag-aral ba tayo. As early as now, I want to be involved in less fortunate communities to give back. Kung kaya kong mag-share, ise-share ko. And this is one way to do that,” Jordyn answers while looking directly at Saachi.
Maybe it’s because of the high temperature the whole day but Saachi looks away and focuses on her screen. She can’t even comment on anything Jordyn said because it’s all on point.
“Being involved in the community doesn’t just mean giving them what you can give,” she says.
Jordyn nods, “I know. It’s better to know what they need rather than what we can give them. Kasi paano kung ang kailangan nila ay sleeping bags or pesticides for farming pero ang binigay natin ay canned goods? While they can consume it eventually, it’s not what they need. Part of being involved in the community is knowing their needs.”
Once again, she’s right. Saachi doesn’t hide her smile, which makes Jordyn smile wider.
“As you know, seniors na kami halos lahat. While we don’t restrict ourselves naman sa pag accept ng members from the lower batches, will you be here until next year, even after we’ve graduated?”
“Actually,” Jordyn leans forward, hands on the table. “I was planning on asking that. Next year, graduate na kayo, how will the nomination for the next head be? Kasi dalawa lang kami ni Clarisse na grade 11. I want sana na senior pa rin ang maging head para we can train lower batches to become leaders din in the future.”
In Saachi’s mind, Jordyn’s idea of the future is already painted. The picture is there, she just needs the right people to put it into action.
“The current head chooses based on the projects attended and proposed community services,” Saachi answers. “Let me see pala your recommendation letter from the guidance office.”
Jordyn gives her a brown envelope with the letter inside. Everything is good. The guidance office even said that Jordyn will be a good addition to the organization because of her past experiences in helping those in need and volunteering for makabayan foundations.
“Okay,” Saachi nods. “Your project?”
“It’s just a quick one,” Jordyn opens her laptop, showing it to Saachi as she begins. “It’s all AlikaBOOK. It’s a book donation drive that will help public schools or at least daycare centers sa depressed areas have more material to read. This will also help reduce clutter from those who will donate. It’s a win-win situation.”
“Okay, did you use the SMART method in preparing this?”
The younger girl nods, “Yes. Specific, meaning we’ll get books from exclusive or high end schools. Some schools replace their books every year and dispose of the old ones. Books from those schools are well-taken care of. If we partner with them, we can get their old books and donate it to other schools that need them.”
“Paano yung measurable?”
“We’ll set a quota for book donations. Too much of everything din naman is bad. So we set a quota tapos certain period of time lang pwede mag donate,” Jordyn answers.
“Achievable?”
“Oo naman! If we partner with schools plus the donation drives we will have enough books for more schools.”
Saachi continues to ask questions about Jordyn’s proposed project. From time to time, she’ll stare at Jordyn while she talks and the younger girl will just stare back and smile. Saachi understands why they didn’t see each other earlier on the way to school. She can’t have too much Jordyn all of a sudden. She might suddenly just blurt out that Jordyn probably has the prettiest smile she has seen in her seventeen years of existence in the world.
“So ayun,” Jordyn closes her laptop and stands while she fixes her stuff. “See you around, Saachi. Sobrang na-enjoy ko makipagpalitan ng ideas sayo.”
“Random question but very important nowadays,” Saachi says as she watches Jordyn.
“Ano yun?”
“What’s your stand regarding the third gender?”
Jordyn stops moving and pauses for a moment. She stands upright, collecting herself, before she answers Saachi. “I mean, I’m straight but I have friends who are gay. Alam mo yun, coming from a co-ed school with a big population, I have gay friends and we always gush about boys. So I don’t mind. As long as they don’t step on someone else naman and there is respect, I’ll respect them back.”
“So you like boys…?” Saachi clarifies.
The younger girl nods, “Yeah. Don’t you?” When Saachi shakes her head, Jordyn slowly nods. “Like, as in no boys?”
“Either works naman but so far, no boys,” Saachi answers.
Jordyn nods, “That’s fine! Bisexuality exists. Good for you. I respect that.” She puts her bag over her shoulder and starts walking towards the door, “See you around, Saachi!”
When she’s sure that the door is closed and that Jordyn can no longer hear anything she’ll be saying, Saachi leans back and rolls her eyes. “Straight. Kainis,” she tells herself.
Still, that won’t stop her from having a happy crush on Jordyn. It’s fine. She’ll be fine with being friends with Jordyn. It’s not the end of the world. Being friends with her is better than not knowing her at all. It’s not like what she feels for Jordyn is deep. It’s just a crush. She just finds Jordyn pretty. That’s it.
The next day, Jordyn wakes up at five, prepares for school, and leaves their house at five twenty five. This time, she waits for two jeepneys to pass by her while checking if there’s someone wearing the same uniform as hers. When she spots the plaid skirt inside the jeepney, she hails it. Much to her luck, it’s Jordyn. The girl gives her a nod and reverts her attention to counting her coins.
Saachi, being herself, raises her hand to hand her fare to Jordyn, “Bayad po,” she even says. With the both of them sitting at the end of the jeepney, Jordyn gives her a look of disbelief.
“Magbayad ka ng sarili mo?” Jordyn tells her.
She just shrugs, “Senior mo ‘ko.”
“That doesn’t even make sense,” Jordyn answers. She moves her hand, making Jordyn look at it. “Ano?”
Saachi grins, “Bayad po .” Jordyn literally rolls her eyes before taking the fare from Saachi’s hand. The momentary touch of their hands sends shivers down Saachi’s spine. She looks away instantly and looks down, rummaging through her bag so she can find something that can help her hide her face. She finds a face mask. She doesn’t wear them anymore but she puts it on right away.
Jordyn moves to give their fare to the driver then goes back to her original position. She puts her earphones on and completely ignores Saachi. On the other hand, Saachi’s already content with what happened. She’ll piss off Jordy tomorrow.
~
“Good afternoon, girls. I’m Mr. Amir, your new social involvement moderator,” Saachi listens to their new moderator while their old one is on maternity leave. She doesn’t know how their projects will progress since it’s technically a new person who will be approving things. “May notes na iniwan si Mrs. Gomez about your class, as well as some activities for everyone to do.”
Saachi raises her hand, “Sir, question. What will become of our projects?”
Mr. Amir nods, “Itutuloy naman lahat according to their schedule since pre-approved naman na yung mga upcoming. For now, yung activity muna kasi yun ang number one instruction ni Mrs. Gomez.”
She nods then leans back. Saachi gets her bag so she can reapply her gloss while listening to the instructions from their moderator. Jordy is on the other side of the room. She can see the younger girl writing down notes. Saachi smiles to herself as she thinks of ways to annoy Jordyn again. There’s just really something about the girl that makes her want to just keep annoying her.
“Ms. Nakpil, your partner is Ms. Miranda,” their moderator says.
Jordy looks at the man, “Ha?”
“That’s the pairing Mrs. Gomez gave. Hindi pwedeng hindi ito susundin kasi sabi niya, this activity is to build your bonds with each other. Sabi dito sa notes niya, the pairings were decided based sa kung sino ang hindi masyadong close sa org ninyo. How do you expect to communicate with other people from different social classes kung sa sarili niyong ka-org ay hirap kayong mag communicate?”
Defeated, Jordyn closes her notebook and stands up. She watches as the younger girl approaches her. Saachi smiles teasingly at her. “Ayaw mo ba sa’kin, Jordy?”
Jordyn shakes her head, “Hindi sa ayaw. Pero hindi rin ikaw ang first choice ko.”
Saachi feigns hurt but her smile doesn’t fade on her lips, “Upo ka na dito.” She pats the chair beside her. “May questions ka na?”
“Hindi rin naman sila nagbigay ng guide questions. Basta ang instruction lang is for us to ask at least thirty personal questions,” the younger girl answers while shaking her head. She looks at Saachi, “Ikaw ba?”
“Sa two months dito sa school, may crush ka na?” she asks as she stares at Jordyn’s black orbs. Her black framed glasses make her eyes pop even more. “Counted as personal yun, Jordy. Sagutin mo.”
Jordyn shakes her head, “Wala.” She smiles at Saachi, “Ikaw ba? Senior ka na. Wala kang nagugustuhang manliligaw? Or gustong ligawan?”
“Di naman kagwapuhan yung mga boys na nagpaparamdam,” Saachi props her chin on her hand. “Ikaw, Jordy. Gusto mo ligawan kita?”
Jordyn looks surprised but she laughs and shakes her head again, “I’m not interested in dating girls, Sachi. Ibang kabatch ko na lang. Crush ka naman nila.”
That day, Saachi learned that Jordy can play the piano, sing, and loves reading when there isn't much schoolwork needed to be done. A total of seven questions were asked.
That same day, Saachi realizes that she can tease Jordyn in a flirty way and still, she’ll end up rubbing it on Saachi that she’s straight. At least she’s not mad, right? Saachi thinks it’s better than being told that girls liking girls is a sin and she will burn in hell (because some people are like that).
~
The next morning, at four thirty, Saachi’s already gearing up for school. She puts her laptop inside her bag, puts her blush on, gets the scarf from her closet and wraps it around her neck for an added fashion detail. At exactly five fifteen, she goes down.
“Ma, aalis na ako!” she says as she takes the prepared sandwiches on the table.
“Ang aga mo naman ata umalis, anak?” her mother says.
Saachi takes a bite, “Ayoko kasi ng siksikan, motherhood! Nahuhulas ang blush on ko!” She makes her way to the door after kissing her mom on the cheek.
She waits for the jeepney at the usual spot. She prays for the world to be kind to her. For the world to allow her to start her day on a happy note.
One jeepney.
Two jeepneys.
Three jeepneys.
Saachi is starting to lose hope. She sighs as she sees the fourth jeepney approaching. From afar, she sees the same colored uniform inside. Even though the jeepney is sure to stop, she raises her hand just to be extra sure.
It’s empty except for Jordyn on her usual spot. Saachi gets on the jeep and sits across Jordy. The younger girl has her eyes closed as with her headphones on. Saachi being herself, she uses her foot and softly nudges Jordyn’s.
Jordy’s brows furrow. She sees the girl slowly opening her eyes and looking at her.
With an annoyed look, Jordyn removes her headphones and asks, “Ano?”
Saachi raises her hand, “Bayad.”
“Na naman?”
She just shrugs, “Lagi kang sumasabay sa akin eh.”
“Lagi akong sumasakay ng walang pasahero.”
Saachi shrugs again then waves her money, “Nangangalay na ako. Bayad po, Jordy.”
Jordyn, annoyed, takes the money from her hand and moves to the driver, “Manong, bayad po. Estudyante po yan.”
While Jordy’s paying, another passenger gets inside and takes her spot. When she’s on the way back, she sees it and glares at Saachi.
“Hindi ko kasalanan yan. Dito ka na lang,” Saachi points at the spot beside her.
Jordyn rolls her eyes, “Wag na. Ayaw kitang katabi.”
“Huwag kang magsungit, Jordy.”
“Bakit naman?”
Saachi smiles, “Gumaganda ka kasi. Baka maging crush kita.”
“Ewan ko sayo. Hindi nga tayo talo.” Jordyn puts her headphones back and leans to close her eyes again. Saachi spends the whole ride stealing glances at Jordyn.
When they’re near the village gate of their school, Jordyn removes her headphones, putting it inside her bag before asking the driver to drop them off. Saachi gets off first then turns back to help Jordyn. Sadly, Jordyn ignores her and gets off herself.
“Ang sungit mo na naman, Jordyn,” Saachi comments. Jordyn just sighs and starts walking. Saachi walks up to her, matching her pace, “Ayaw mo ba akong kasabay ha?”
Jordyn glances at her then makes a face, “Ayoko.”
“Bakit naman? Mabango naman ako ah!”
“Ayoko lang.”
Saachi doesn’t give up. “Personal question: Bakit ka pumapasok ng maaga?”
Knowing that Jordyn doesn’t have a choice, she waits for an answer. Jordyn slows down and says, “My parents leave early for work and ayaw nilang naiiwan ako sa bahay mag-isa. So I also leave when they do. Kaya ako maaga.”
It’s just almost six. The first rays of the sun are touching Saachi’s skin, annoying her. She notices Jordyn looking at her so she raises her eyebrows, “Ano?”
“Personal question: Bakit parang ayaw mo sa araw?”
Saachi shrugs, “Hindi ko alam. Ang liwanag kasi. Ang sakit sa mata.” She looks around, noticing how some of the plants around the village are greener. Then Saachi stares at Jordyn for a few seconds– the rays of sun reflecting on her eyes, making them dark brown. Jordyn is looking at her, smiling as if she just said something amusing. Saachi says, “Pero parang nagugustuhan ko na.”
Jordyn’s smile grows wider, “I love mornings! Feeling ko ang symbolic niya. Like new beginnings, ganon.”
She doesn’t know what to do in serious situations. This sounds like a serious situation now so instead of answering, Saachi says, “So baka isang morning, bading ka na rin, no? Una ako sa pila ah.”
Jordyn laughs. She shakes her head as they enter their campus. “I like boys, Saachi. Puro ka talaga kalokohan.”
“Malay mo! Boys and girls na soon,” she explains.
“Hindi rin,” they climb up the stairs, reaching the seniors’ floor. “I don’t feel attracted to girls,” Jordyn adds with a laugh. “See you around, Sach.”
“See you, Jordy,” Saachi says while she watches Jordyn’s figure slowly disappear from the stairs.
Straight girls shouldn’t be too pretty. They’re a hazard to society (the gay one), Saachi thinks.
~
When school requirements are at the brink of overwhelming Saachi, she goes to the top most floor where there aren’t many people and the only thing that can be heard is the wind.
With midterms coming up, requirements are piling up there’s just too many things needed to be done. Saachi looks around before she walks up the stairs hastily. She reaches the fifth floor successfully.
Saachi closes the door behind her and looks around. The sun hurts her skin because it’s three in the afternoon. She walks around the open area with the goal to get under the lone shade.
“Bakit ka nandito?” Saachi asks when she sees Jordyn sitting on the concrete ground, reading a book.
Jordyn looks up, “Oh.”
“Anong ‘oh’? Pwesto ko yan.
“Wala namang pangalan mo,” Jordyn answers. When Saachi doesn’t answer, Jordyn scoots to the right. “Upo ka, Saachi.”
Saachi isn’t in the mood to argue with anyone so she sits. She lets her back straighten against the wall behind her and closes her eyes. Her mind is running on its last few brain cells and she just wants some peace and quiet. If Jordyn being here but keeping the silence between them is how she’ll find that peace and quiet she’s looking for then she’ll take it.
She doesn’t know how many minutes have passed but when she’s finally calmed down, Saachi opens her eyes to check on the girl beside her. Jordyn is still reading.
“So bakit ka nga nandito?”
Jordyn looks at her, “Okay ka na?”
“Ha?”
“You look like you needed some time away from the world so I tried my best na hindi gumawa ng ingay. Kinakausap mo na ako. Okay ka na?” Jordyn explains.
Saachi looks forward, away from Jordyn’s gaze. She slowly nods, “Yes.”
“Gusto mo bang pag-usapan or wag na muna?”
She looks at Saachi this time, “Pa-fall ka, Jordy ah. Crush mo ‘ko no?”
Jordyn laughs, “Okay ka na nga.”
“Di ka nag deny,” she teases.
“Hindi rin naman kasi totoo,” Jordyn answers. Saachi just looks at the girl when she brings out her notebook, “Naglista ako ng mga tanong.”
“Pero yung tanong ko, hindi mo pa rin sinasagot,” she reminds.
“Ah,” the younger girl looks at her. “Exempted ako sa last period eh ayoko sa library. Malamig masyado kaya napadpad ako dito. Okay rin, tahimik tsaka presko sa hangin.”
“Ano yang mga tanong mo?”
Jordyn excitedly flips through the pages then stops. “Ano ang ginagawa mo when things become too much?”
“Personal nga.”
“Too personal ba? Pwede namang iba na lang.”
The seniors shakes her head, “Hindi.” She pulls her knees to her chest and hugs them. “Umaakyat ako dito.”
“Eh?”
She rests her head against her knees, facing Jordyn. “Tahimik dito. Nakakapag isip ako kapag nandito ako. Kaya when things get too much, I’m here.”
“So kanina…”
Saachi nods, “I was getting overwhelmed with school stuff kaya tumakas muna ako sa reality.”
“Sorry.”
“Bakit?”
“Nasira ko pa ata yung pagtakas mo,” Jordyn chuckles.
“Di rin,” she answers. Saachi yawns. “Hindi ko naman naramdaman na nandiyan ka so ayos lang.”
“Wala ka bang tanong?”
“What scares you the most? Bawal multo ha.”
She watches as Jordyn dazes out, thinking of an answer. Saachi notices the long lashes that are naturally curled. Due to the heat, Jordyn’s cheeks are also flushed. It suits her.
“Maging disappointed yung parents ko sakin,” Jordyn answers in a soft voice.
“Ha?”
“Only child ako. My parents are working hard to send me to school, to provide for me. Kahit hindi nila sabihin, ramdam kong they’re expecting me to be the best daughter for them,” she continues. “And ang fear ko is hindi ko magawa yun.”
“Sure naman akong proud na sila sayo ngayon pa lang,” Saachi says before she can think about it.
Jordyn looks at her, “Bakit mo naman nasabi?”
This time, she takes a moment to think. Her mom always tells her she’s proud of Saachi despite just existing and passing her subjects. What more if she gets higher grades? Her mom might prepare a feast for her.
“Siguro kasi, they see you doing your best,” she explains. “Kasi hindi ka sakit sa ulong anak? You’re doing your best for your age. Kahit nahihirapan ka.”
Jordyn smiles, “Thank you.”
“Question number twelve pa lang yan ah. Baka umiyak ka na,” she teases again.
“Sus! Kapag umiyak ako, for sure tatawanan mo lang ako,” Jordyn says.
“Hindi ah,” Saachi turns the other way and smiles. “Bakit ako matutuwa na umiiyak ka eh crush kita?”
She hears Jordyn laughing. “Puro ka talaga kalokohan, Saachi. Lagi mo ‘kong inaasar ng ganyan kasi alam mong straight ako,” Jordyn stands and pats the back of her head. “Uuwi na ako. Ikaw ba?”
Saachi looks up, “What time ka papasok bukas?”
“Bakit? Aabangan mo na naman ba yung jeep kung nasaan ako para hindi ka magbayad?” Jordyn accuses.
“Iiwasan ko na sana. Aga-aga kasi tapos ikaw agad nakikita ko. Nakakasira ng araw,” she answers.
Jordyn laughs, “Same time naman.” When Jordyn starts to walk towards the exit, she tells Saachi, “See you tomorrow, Sach!”
~
Her mom isn’t even surprised at this point when Saachi takes a few pieces of bread. “Good morning, anak,” her mom greets.
Saachi smiles, “Morning, ma. Alis na ako in five minutes.”
“Araw-araw ka na maaga umaalis, Sach. Natutulog ka pa ba?”
“Oo naman!” she laughs as she wipes her face of any crumbs. “Alis na me! Ciao, mamacita!”
As usual, she lets the empty jeepney pass by until she sees their uniform in the next one. She doesn’t want Jordyn to know but she is intentionally riding the jeepneys just to spend a little more time with Jordyn before the world becomes chaotic again.
Jordyn isn’t asleep when Saachi rides the jeepney and settles across her. Instead, she’s looking at Saachi with suspecting eyes. The senior rolls her eyes and asks, “Anong problema mo, Jordy?”
“Sabi mo ayaw mo akong kasabay papasok eh bakit nandito ka na naman?” Jordyn asks.
“Aba, sayo ba ‘tong jeep para pagbawalan mo akong sumakay, ha?” she answers.
The junio shrugs, “For sure iuutos mo na naman yung bayad mo.” She raises her palm, waiting for Saachi to give her the money.
“Ano?”
“Bayad mo. Ibibigay ko kay manong,” Jordyn tells her as if it’s the simplest thing in the world.
Though reluctant (and honestly guilty), Saachi gives her coins to Jordyn while the latter moves to the end of the jeepney and gives her fare. To Saachi’s surprise, instead of going back to her usual spot, Jordyn moves to sit beside her.
“Luh, bakit ka nandito sa tabi ko? Crush mo ‘ko, Jordy ah.” Saachi teases, just so she can see Jordyn rolling her eyes again.
And Jordyn doesn’t disappoint because she rolls her eyes and gives her bag to Saachi. She yawns, “Tutal inuutusan mo akong lumapit sa driver, ikaw maghawak ng bag ko. Matutulog ako. And no, hindi kita crush. I’m not interested in girls.”
Saachi is dumbfounded. She quietly watches as Jordyn leans her head back against the metal frame beside the window of the jeepney and closes her eyes. After a few minutes, she’s just sure that the junior is asleep. The way Jordyn’s head is bobbing makes Saachi want to gently help Jordyn’s head on to her shoulder instead. Just as her hand reaches out, Jordyn wakes up.
“Malapit na ba?” the younger girl asks.
Saachi retracts her hand quickly and looks out the exit, “Mga five minutes pa.”
“Akin na yan,” Jordyn reaches for her bag but Saachi doesn’t give it. “Uy, akin na.”
“Mamaya na lang. Enjoy na akong hawak ko lahat ng bag eh. Feel ko nag shopping ako,” she answers.
Saachi nearly dies on the spot when Jordyn smiles softly at her and gently shakes her head, “Puro ka joke, Sachi ah.”
“Seryosohin kita, gusto mo, Jordy?” she pushes.
Jordyn laughs, “Iba na lang seryosohin mo. Di ako interested.”
When they exit the jeepney, Saachi still doesn’t give back Jordyn’s bag. Even when the younger girl is asking for it. She only returns it when they reach the seniors’ floor. Inside Saachi’s classroom, she sits on her chair and puts her head down to sleep. In that nap, she dreams of a morning wherein Jordyn will answer otherwise.
~
Something has definitely changed between their dynamics. Saachi notices it but doesn’t really point it out. Maybe it’s because they know more things about each other now that they are actually understanding each other.
For starters, Jordyn likes eating balut. They have that in common. So every night, Saachi waits for the balut vendor to pass by their house so she can buy one for Jordy. The next day, she’ll give it to Jordyn during recess, saying that the balut she ate the last night looks like her so she bought her one. Jordyn will, of course, tell her that she’s mean but will accept it nonetheless.
Second, they’ve become textmates. It’s funny because they don’t really talk much in text. They just send funny memes and videos to each other and then say goodnight or good morning. They don’t talk about how Saachi still waits for the jeepney that Jordyn’s in every morning. Also, they sometimes, maybe four days a week, go home together. Now, Saachi looks forward to their mornings and after school together.
Third, and the one that really makes Saachi think a lot, is that it’s become a routine to go to the fifth floor and just sit together in silence. Okay, sometimes, it’s not silent. They talk about other stuff like school requirements and such but still. That place is Saachi’s safe space, a place where she can let her thoughts relax and just breathe. She’s very particular about not letting other people inside her place of solace. Still, Jordyn’s there and she doesn’t mind.
While Saachi knows that she really has a crush on Jordyn, she also knows that it’s nearly impossible for Jordyn to like her back. The younger girl is adamant on telling her that she doesn’t swing Saachi’s way. That she wants to date the male species (which is such a waste in Saachi’s opinion). That doesn’t stop her from pissing Jordyn off every chance she gets though. Be it during org time or in volunteer work. If she sees the chance to annoy the hell out of Jordyn, trust that Saachi will not let it pass.
Pretty much right now, while doing org work, Jordyn’s talking to someone from their org while Saachi is busy doodling random shapes on her tablet.
“Sach!” she hears Jordyn. She looks up from her screen and waits for the younger girl to continue, “Sino nga?”
“Ang alin? Ang crush ko? Ikaw syempre, Jordy,” Saachi answers in a teasing tone.
“Wala akong pake!”
“Ahh. Yung maganda? Ikaw pa rin,” she adds.
“Yung speaker kasi! Puro ka kagaguhan kita mong nagtatrabaho ng maayos!” Jordyn exclaims at her with an annoyed tone.
Instead of apologizing like anyone would have done if they were in Saachi’s place, she tells Jordyn, “Uy, wag ka masyadong magalit. Baka ano..”
The junior gives her a displeased look, “Ano?”
“Baka lalo kang gumanda sa paningin ko. Maging super crush na kita,” Saachi finishes her pickup line, earning another annoyed look from Jordyn.
~
The moment Saachi rides the jeepney, she is welcomed by the warm smile on Jordyn’s face. It’s too early but her day’s already made. When she gives her fare to the junior, she’s confused as to why Jordyn just puts it inside her pocket.
“Huy, binulsa mo yung pamasahe ko,” she says.
Jordyn just shrugs then gives her bag, “Bayad na. Binayaran ko kanina kasi tinatamad akong pumunta na naman don.”
They’ve become so comfortable with each other now that it’s normal for Jordyn to sleep on Saachi’s shoulder. Every morning, on their way to school, Saachi waits for the jeepney Jordyn’s riding and gets on it. She gives her fare to the junior then Jordyn will end up leaning her head on Saachi’s shoulder to sleep. There’s also another level to their friendship (and Saachi’s hardship, because, of course, she’s still crushing on Jordyn so badly)! They share a playlist. Every morning, they’ll start a jamming session and listen to the same songs. So even though they’re wearing different earphones, they’re listening to the same songs.
It’s one of those days in their school where an event happens but it’s not really for them to enjoy but for the younger batches so they’re basically stuck doing nothing. They also can’t skip the day because it’ll require them to do community service. Besides, Saachi kinda likes going to school. And no, she will not admit that it’s entirely because of Jordyn.
At some point, their schoolmates have started a rumor that they’re dating. Saachi is once again reminded that yes, they’re in high school. Rumors are normal especially in schools as big as theirs.
“So ano nga kayo?” one junior asks. Saachi overhears the conversation on the way to Jordyn’s classroom.
Jordyn answers with, “We’re friends! Ano ba? Lahat kasi sa inyo may malisya.”
“You do know that a lot of our batchmates kinda hate you kasi ikaw yung laging kasama niya diba?” Saachi stops herself from opening the door. Some girls don’t like Jordyn? How come she’s only hearing about this now? Jordyn never seems to be bothered about it so she never knew.
“Alam mo, ang daming problema sa mundo para lang intindihin ko yung mga iniisip nila. I know for a fact that me and Saachi are just friends. They should focus on more important things,” Jordyn says.
Saachi, although she expects that much, still feels a bit bummed about Jordyn’s response. But instead of dwelling on it, she knocks on the door and opens in. “Jordy mah baby!”
“Sachi!” Jordyn smiles at her. “Wala na kayong class?”
“Wala na. Gusto mo sa baba? Mas malamig sa room namin.”
“Pwede naman,” Jordyn stands, gathering her things. “Anong meron?”
“May workshop from the students to the teachers. Celebration ng teachers day,” she explains. Saachi looks around, observing how other juniors are looking at them. Specifically at Saachi.
Being known for her tactless personality, Saachi walks up to a group of girls giving nasty looks at Jordyn and says, “Problema mo?”
One girl, who looks like the leader, looks up at her with confusion, “Ha?”
“Ang sama mo makatingin eh. May problema ka sa higher batch mo?”
The girl shakes her head, “Wala.”
Saachi feels Jordyn pulling her by the arm. Jordyn whispers, “Huy, bakit ka nangaaway?”
She doesn’t look away from the girl. Saachi tells her, “Ayusin mo lang.”
“Sachi,” Jordyn tugs her arm. “Ano ba huy,” she adds.
“Okay ka na? Tara, dun ka sa room namin. Mas maayos mga classmate ko kesa dito,” Saachi takes Jordyn’s bag and walks out of the classroom with Jordyn following her.
Inside Saachi’s classroom, she puts Jordyn’s bag beside hers and takes her seat. She pulls another chair for Jordyn before she leans her head down.
“Ano nangyari diyan?” she hears her classmate ask.
Jordyn answers with, “Ewan. Kinausap si Nicole tapos mainit na agad ulo.”
“Hayaan mo yan. Kaaway niyan sarili niya these days,” her classmate jokes. “Malapit na prom ah! May date ka na?”
“Wala pa! Pero nagpaparamdam na si Andre,” the junior answers.
Saachi raises her head and turns to Jordyn. “Andre? Yung taga Southridge na parang amoy araw?”
Jordyn glares at her, “Hindi siya amoy araw!”
“Kailan pa kayo naging close non?”
“Nung leadership training nating outreach program.”
“Hindi mo siya binabanggit,” Saachi says before she can stop herself.
Jordyn looks confused, “Crush mo ba? Ire-reject ko kung gusto mo rin.”
The sentence that just came out of Jordyn’s mouth makes her want to gag. ‘Crush’, ‘reject’, and ‘rin’. She has multiple migraines even with just one brain.
“Nanliligaw yun, Jordy?”
“Oo?” Jordyn laughs. “Siguro. Lagi akong tinatanong nun kung busy ako eh. Tapos magaaya ng dinner or meryenda.”
Saachi doesn’t answer. She just puts her head down again. One more, she is reminded that Jordyn’s straight. Jordyn’s preference is leaning towards men. Slash that. She’s running towards men. It’s actually her fault for thinking that there’s a slight chance that Jordyn might look at her differently.
~
5:48 AM
From: Jordyn Nakpil
Saachi? May sakit ka ba?
6:31 AM
From: Jordyn Nakpil
Nauna na ako sa school ha? Di ka nagrereply. Wala ka rin sa room niyo.
Saachi stares at her phone at six in the morning. She’s just on her bed. For the first time in months, she doesn’t go to school early. Her mom had to wake her up because she turned off all her alarms.
“Anak, masama ba ang pakiramdam mo?” Saachi’s mom asks from the door. “Hindi ka papasok?”
“Papasok ako. Pero, ma, pwedeng pahingi ng excuse letter na male-late ako. Hindi maganda timpla ko today eh,” she replies.
Her mom looks at her then nods. “Iiwan ko sa table. Mauuna na ako, Sach. Ingat ka ah? Text mo ako kapag paalis ka na ng house.”
Saachi merely hums, continuing to stare at the faded pink ceiling of her classroom. Before seven, Saachi pushes herself off the bed and prepares. She takes her time, unlike when she’s chasing time to catch the jeepney Jordyn rides.
When she gets to school, Saachi still takes her time to get to her classroom. She has her excuse letter anyway so it’s fine if she doesn’t rush herself.
Her mind drifts to the things she wants to do. Saachi understands that she got a little ahead of herself which is why she’s so annoyed with herself now. She makes a mental note that she will not get close to Jordyn anymore. It’s safer for her own feelings if she keeps her distance. She promises to keep Jordyn at arm’s length.
“Bakit late ka?” Ashley asks as soon as their lunch break starts.
Saachi shrugs and yawns, “Masama pakiramdam ko.”
“Jordy stayed here until mag bell na.”
“Oh?”
She hears Ashley’s giggle, “LQ kayo, Sach?”
“Tangna ka. Anong LQ?”
“Lovers quarrel ba.”
“Wag kang tanga. Friends kami non.”
“Friends lang?”
Saachi raises her head, “Friends lang.”
“Sakit naman,” Ashley jokes. Saachi rolls her eyes then lowers her head again so she can take a nap. It’s the only time that their room is quiet since most of her classmates go out to get food and eat around the campus. “Wala, beh. Natutulog,” she hears Ashley just as the door opens.
Saachi keeps her head down, enjoying the peace that’s brought by the quietness of their room. The chair beside her moves, the sound coming closer. “Sach?” Jordyn’s voice is soft, almost like a whisper. “Masama ba pakiramdam mo?”
“Hmm?” Saachi turns her head, but still keeping it low. She looks at Jordyn, the black rimmed glasses resting on her perfectly pointed nose.
Jordyn looks worried. Concerned even. She reaches out, touching Saachi’s forehead with the back of her palm. “Hindi ka naman mainit.”
“Doon ka na nga sa room niyo, Jordy,” she pushes the hand away. While it stings to do it, she knows that she has to.
Surprised, Jordyn still smiles, “Ang sungit mo na naman.” She smiles wider, “Hinihintay kita kanina eh. Kaso wala ka kaya nauna na lang ako pumasok. Hindi ka rin nagrereply.”
“Hindi naman kailangan,” she answers. The moment Jordyn’s expression saddens, Saachi fights the urge to slap herself. Sitting up, Saachi rests her arm on the back of her own chair, adjusting her position so that she’s facing Jordy but still keeping her distance. “Umalis ka na nga, Jordy.”
“Bakit?” Jordyn pouts.
She just made a promise to herself. Still, if she thinks about it, breaking one promise isn’t that bad, right? Who cares.
Saachi tilts her head, smiling teasingly, “Masyado na kitang crush, Jordy. Baka matuluyan ako sayo.”
It takes a few seconds before Jordyn rolls her eyes and starts laughing. She playfully shoves Saachi. “Parang tanga ‘to! Akala ko ayaw mo na ‘kong kasabay sa umaga.”
Yun nga eh. Gusto kita kahit hindi umaga.
Saachi shakes her head, “Kiss kita, Jordy, dali. Baka mabading ka.”
“Gago neto!” Jordyn just laughs. “Di tayo talo!”
“Malay mo lang,” Saachi feigns kissing Jordyn but the latter just pushes her face away. “Nakakasakit ka ah!” To her surprise, Jordyn hugs her. “Hoy. Crush mo na ako ‘no?”
Jordyn laughs, “Hindi. Pero comfortable ako sa’yo, Sach. I was really worried earlier.” She breaks the hug. “Sabay tayo umuwi mamaya.”
“Paano yung boyfriend mo?”
“Nanliligaw lang. Hindi ko pa boyfriend,” Jordyn clarifies.
“Ahh, ‘pa’, kaya ako pa yung gusto mong kasama kasi hindi pa kayo,” she leans away, shaking her head.
“Ikaw naman!” Jordyn pulls her back, laughing. “Kahit maging kami naman nun, ikaw pa rin naman closest friend ko.” Saachi stares at her. Conscious, Jordyn asks, “Bakit?”
Saachi shakes her head, “Wala. Hirap mong magustuhan, babs. Kahit masakit, ginugusto ko pa rin.”
Jordyn laughs, “Ano yung babs? Baboy yan ‘no?! Puro ka biro!”
“Seryosohin na ba kita, Jordy?”
“Tama ka na, Sach. You know my stand. I support but I’m not one,” the serious tone is needed but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting.
Saachi pulls back and smiles. “Ikaw naman. Binibiro ka lang.”
“Alam ko,” Jordyn answers. “Pero, totoo, Sach. I care about you. Ikaw lang ata kasi naging friend ko dito na hindi ako jinudge. So I don’t want anything or anyone to ruin that friendship.”
Saachi feels her chest tighten a little. She shrugs it off and smiles. “Nothing will change it. Nothing will ruin it, Jordy. Huwag kang overthinker. Hindi bagay,” she jokes just to lighten the mood. Jordyn breaks into a smile that sends multiple explosions in her heart.
~
Saachi makes sure that there will be no changes. She still makes an effort to wake up early, to catch the second jeepney, to be with Jordyn before everyone else can be with them.
“Ang bagal,” Saachi looks up before she can even get inside the jeepney. Jordyn’s on her usual spot. Then she scoots to the side. “Huy, bayad na yung pamasahe mo. Dito ka na,” she pats the space she was just sitting on.
Saachi, unable to complain nor can she not ride the jeepney because there are people behind her already, takes the seat. “What if hindi ako dito sumakay, Jordyn, ha?”
Jordyn gets squished closer to her, the amount of people going out at such an early hour is not part of her bingo card for the day but that’ll do. As she makes herself as comfy as possible, Jordyn hands her a piece of the wired earphones she usually wears.
“Ano?”
“Suot mo. Music lang eh,” the younger girl replies.
“Ayoko.”
“Dali na,” Jordyn puts it on her left ear. “Ang sungit mo talaga kahit kailan.”
“Ayoko ng taste mo sa music,” Saachi tries her best to control her rapidly beating heart.
Jordyn shrugs, “Ako yung DJ. Wala kang magagawa.” (Ikot - Over October)
Usually, their travel time is around twenty minutes. Today, however, is very different. It’s been thirty minutes and they’re still not outside the village gate of their school. Saachi focuses on the different textures of the roads they pass by. When she feels something heavy on her shoulder, she turns her head. Jordyn’s asleep. Saachi doesn’t realize she’s staring at the sleeping Jordyn until the jeep swerves, almost making Jordyn’s head fall off of her shoulder. Saachi’s body moves on its own, her hand reaching for Jordyn’s head to keep it steady on her shoulder. The sun’s rising, the first rays perfectly lighting up Jordyn’s cheek, making her skin glow. Suddenly, there’s a huge urge to run her thumb across Jordyn’s immaculate cheek. Before she can, she pulls her hand away and sighs.
Saachi nudges her shoulder, “Gising na hoy. May laway na yung uniform ko.”
Jordyn puts a hand on her mouth then glares at her. “Sinungaling. Wala namang tulo!”
“Para po!” she ignores Jordyn’s antics and gets off the jeepney. Still, she knows she can’t resist. Saachi turns around, offering a hand to Jordyn so she can make sure she’s safe.
The moment Jordyn’s hand touches hers, Saachi feels the voltage of electricity run through her veins. Suddenly, her sleepiness is gone. All she knows is that holding Jordyn’s hands is now her favorite hobby. A hobby she can’t pursue, most probably.
“Jordyn,” she calls while Jordyn is struggling to put her wallet inside her bag. When Jordyn looks up, Saachi’s heart nearly stops.
The younger girl smiles, “Bakit?”
She can’t. She can’t ruin the friendship. She can’t allow Jordyn to walk away from her life. She can’t make a decision that will change things.
But she fucking wants to.
At the end of the day, her wants are at the bottomest part of her list right now. What’s important is Jordyn. Her mind is filled with nothing but Jordyn. It’s like her whole body, even her soul, is screaming to be with Jordyn.
Jordyn. Jordyn. Jordyn.
“Hoy!” Jordyn snaps her fingers and laughs, “Tulala ka!”
“Ayoko kay Andre,” Saachi blurts out. She realizes what she just said and adds, “Feel ko sasaktan ka eh.”
“Hindi naman!” Jordyn links her arms with Saachi. “Mabait yun. Niyayaya niya nga akong magsimba. Mabait siya, Sach!”
“Gusto mo ba siya?”
It’s emotional suicide. Saachi shouldn’t be asking questions that will break her heart but she’s already caught on the moment. She’ll be fine. Right? Saachi’s practically talking to herself but it’s fine.
Saachi makes sure that there will be no changes. She takes the extra steps to keep herself in check, to piss Jordy off but still see her smile.
The problem is Jordyn.
“Ikaw ba, Sach? Sino na partner mo sa prom?” Ashley asks. Saachi shakes her head, “Anong wala? Wala?!”
“Hindi naman kailangan. Kahit wala akong partner, sa ganda kong ‘to, sigurado akong prom queen ako.” Saachi looks at the clock. Jordyn should have been there an hour ago. Her messages are left on delivered-zone too.
3:15 PM
To: Jordyn Nakpil
Done na class ko. Akyat ka na dito, Jordy. Sabay tayo umuwi.
3:59 PM
To: Jordyn Nakpil
Nasaan ka na? Gusto ko na umuwi.
4:45 PM
To: Jordyn Nakpil
Jordyn, puti na mata ko. May uwak na sa labas.
5:34 PM
To: Jordyn Nakpil
Uuwi na ako.
For someone who likes their stuff to be arranged neatly and accordingly every time, Saachi literally shoves her stuff and makes her way to the exit. Saachi doesn’t even mind if Jordyn makes plans outside their friendship. She’s slowly (not really) moving on from her stupid crush. The fact that Jordyn’s not replying is just insulting. She feels disrespected. Like her time is disrespected. She waited for hours. Although maybe that’s on her because no one asked her to wait.
At the exit, she sees Jordyn with Andre, eating street food together and having the time of their lives. Saachi shakes her head.
It’s final. She’ll let go of her stupid crush. It feels like the world has gone silent as she looks at Jordyn enjoying her time with the person pursuing her. Saachi feels like the fire in her is slowly dimming, like it’s losing its power to keep burning. Every step is also heavier for some reason.
When Jordyn turns and sees her, their eyes meet. Saachi sees the instant realization in Jordyn’s eyes. She gives the cup to Andre and runs to where the senior is. Saachi slowly shakes her head and just starts walking away, tearing her eyes away from Jordyn.
Before she turns around the corner, she feels a pair of hands holding her arm, “Sach.”
God.
Jordyn’s voice when she says Saachi’s name can pass a personal prayer that Saachi will keep repeating every night before she goes to bed. Just so she won’t forget how it sounds.
“Sach, sorry. Nawala sa isip ko,” she keeps her lips tight even after Jordyn says her apologies. And what right does she have to be mad at Jordyn? For choosing someone pursuing her and completely forgetting about their agreement to go home together. “Saachi?”
Saachi removes the hands from her arm and says, “Okay lang.” She mentally pats herself on the shoulder because she managed to keep her voice firm.
“Saachi naman..” Jordyn grabs her again. Making her turn. Saachi refuses to look Jordyn in the eyes again. “I’m sorry..”
“Bukas, pagka-dismiss namin. Uuwi na ako agad,” she says. Saachi sees Andre standing by the gate, looking at them. She bites the insides of her cheeks and sighs, “Sige na. Hinihintay ka na ng manliligaw mo.”
Saachi pulls her arm away and continues to walk. She doesn’t look back. She can’t. If she does, she’ll end up wanting to be with Jordyn again. If Jordyn can’t respect her and her time, Saachi will respect herself.
As if the world hasn’t had enough of Saachi yet, the sky grumbles while she’s riding the jeepney, indicating a strong storm about to fall. She still hasn’t gotten her new umbrella. All she has is her bag. The only good thing is that her bag is waterproof.
The rain starts to pour the moment she gets off the jeepney and starts walking to their house, Saachi lets the salted drops soak her. She’ll just shower when she gets home. A few minutes of walking, she notices that despite the shower, the droplets have stopped.
“Mananakawan ka pa ata dahil sa pagkatulala mo, Chi,” a familiar voice tells her. When she turns around, it’s Cami. A former senior who is now a college student. They’re just one year apart and honestly, Cami is the reason why Saachi realized that she really does swing both ways.
“Cami!” she wants to hug the girl but she stops herself. “Saan ka galing?”
“Uuwi na sana kaya lang nakita kitang tulala at naglalakad. What the hell happened to you?!”
Saachi smiles. For the first time that day, she smiles. Then she starts crying. There’s like an invisible weight pressing down her chest. Every breath is shallow and it’s nearly impossible. Saachi ends up just standing under the rain with Cami holding an umbrella to shield her already soaked body from the rain.
“Who hurt you, Chichi?” she shakes her head. Cami steps closer and pats her shoulder. “Wala pa man din akong pasok bukas. Gusto ko tuloy dumalaw para malaman ko kung bakit ka nagkakaganyan.”
Cami walks her home, makes sure she’s inside safely. “Sorry,” she utters.
The older girl chuckles, “I’ll drop by sa school bukas. Hindi ako papayag na ganyan ka.”
“I’ll be fine. It’s just a petty tampo,” Saachi answers.
“Petty ka pero madalang kang mag tampo, Chi. But it’s fine. I’ll find out tomorrow.”
~
After showering, Saachi lies on her bed. She feels her phone vibrating but she ignores it.
6:14 PM
From: Jordyn Nakpil
Saachi, I’m so sorry. Sasabay dapat ako kaya lang nasa labas pala si Andre.
7:31 PM
From: Jordyn Nakpil
Galit ka pa ba, Sach? Sorry talaga.
8:45 PM
From: Jordyn Nakpil
Kausapin mo naman ako, Sach.
9:57 PM
From: Jordyn Nakpil
Sachi, matutulog na ako ha? See you tomorrow. Good night.
Saachi stares at the messages. She sits on her bed, hugging her knees with her phone in front of her. For some reason, it’s still there. The ache is still pulsing through her and it won’t stop. Every time she reads the messages, she feels it becoming stronger.
People often say that letting go is best after one has accepted their feelings. Saachi’s already accepted it, acknowledged it, but how come she’s still hurting? Is it her hormones? Is it because she’s young and her emotions are still all over the place? Whatever it is, she doesn’t want to feel like that anymore.
The night passes with Saachi not having a clue on how she even fell asleep. When she wakes up, she sees the sun already high up in the sky. Her head feels heavy. As she tries to sit, she sees her phone with multiple messages.
5:12 AM
From: Jordyn Nakpil
Good morning! See you!
5:24 AM
From: Jordyn Nakpil
San ka na?
5:46 AM
From: Jordyn Nakpil
Saachi? Dadating ka pa ba?
6:12 AM
From: Jordyn Nakpil
Traffic na. Una na ako ah?
6:32 AM
From: Jordyn Nakpil
Okay ka lang ba? Hindi ka kasi nagrereply.
Honestly, Saachi doesn’t want to go to school but when she sees the next message from someone other than Jordyn, she forces herself to stand.
7:26 PM
From: Cami Valenton
I’ll drop by ha! See you, Chi! <3
Her mom calls the school, tells them that Saachi’s attending her afternoon classes because she’s not feeling well. Which is true. Maybe it’s the rain last night. Thankfully, she arrives just as the bell indicating the end of lunch rings.
To her surprise, Cami is already there, sitting outside the faculty room with one of the teachers. Cami sees her and stands.
“Kanina pa kita hinahanap, Chi! Why now ka lang?” Cami hugs her. When she breaks the hug, she sees Jordyn looking at them. Cami is shorter than her so she sees how Jordyn’s face shifts from curious to annoyed before she goes inside her classroom. “Oh, that girl?”
“Ano ba,” she shoves Cami, weakly at it, and sighs. “Papasok na ‘ko. Lagot na naman ako sa adviser namin.”
“Dito lang ako. I’ll sub for your org daw after school,” Cami says.
True enough, when Saachi’s school ends and they’re all called to their club, Cami is there. Ashley and the other seniors all hug the older girl.
“Cami! Welcome back!”
Jordyn is at the furthest seat, just observing. Saachi is on her usual spot with a vacant seat beside her. Normally, it’s Jordyn who sits there. Today, however, Jordyn chooses to be away.
“Upo na!” Cami says. She looks at everyone and introduces herself. “I’m Cami. I graduated from this school last year. Kilala na ako ng iba dito pero sa mga hindi pa. yeah. Cami to most, pero kapag kay Chi, Cams lang.”
“Bawal na kayo maglandian!” Ashley scolds them.
Saachi weakly shakes her head, “Tama na kayo.”
“Okay ka na ba?” Cami asks. “Uminom ka ng gamot?”
From the corner of her eyes, she can see Jordyn looking at her with curiosity and concern. Saachi nods. “Kaya ko sarili ko. I don’t need anyone to worry about me.”
Okay. That sounded more bitter than she thought. Still, it gets the point across. Her head hurts too much for her to even be bothered about other things.
After their org meeting, Saachi just wants to go home. She makes her way to the exit but is stopped by Jordyn.
“Hindi ka nagrereply,” Jordyn tells her.
Saachi sighs, “Jords, masakit ulo ko.”
“Are we okay?”
“I don’t see why not. Nasaan si Andre?” Saachi asks back.
“Bakit mo tinatanong?”
She sighs, her head really throbbing. “You sound so aggressive, Jordyn. Hindi ko aagawin si Andre sayo. Ikaw ang gusto kong agawin sa kanya,” she says straight on.
“Nagloloko ka na naman!” Jordyn glares at her. This time, she’s just done . Saachi stares at Jordyn, her eyes fixed on the junior’s. “Hindi ka na sumasabay sa umaga. You don’t visit na rin sa classroom namin. Sabi mo walang magbabago, Sach.”
She sighs, “Wala akong binago, Jordyn. Kasi unang-una, hindi kita kayang baguhin.”
“What? Anong sinasabi mo? Umiiwas ka nga eh!”
Saachi sighs, ““Masakit ulo ko ngayon, Jordyn. Pero, tangina, mas masakit ka sa puso.”
“Princess Chi!” Cami catches up to them. “Oh, hi! Kanina I introduced myself but I didn’t hear your name?”
It’s Sachi who answers, “Si Jordyn. Crush ko.”
Jordyn shakes her head, “Hindi po! Nagloloko lang yan si Saachi!”
“Hindi Jordyn ang name mo?” Cami asks.
“Jordyn po. Hindi po totoo yung crush niya ako,” the junior glares at Saachi. “Lagi niya lang po akong niloloko na crush niya ako kasi alam niyang straight ako.”
Cami chuckles, “Sige. Sabi mo eh.” She turns to Saachi. “Tara, Chi. Ihatid ulit kita kasi namumutla ka na.”
Saachi doesn’t look back and allows herself to be dragged away from their campus. Jordyn doesn’t text her but she sees her posting stories that she’s with her guy. Saachi can’t say that she’s a hundred percent okay but she’s also not zero. There are so many things she wants to tell Jordyn but for what?
She already knows how the other will respond. It’s the same thing. She’s straight. She doesn’t swing both ways. And the way she swings isn’t Saachi’s way.
This time, Saachi really puts an effort to stay away from Jordyn. It’s hard. Every lunch break, she’ll go to the science laboratory to eat even though it smells like chemicals. Every dismissal, she hides at the library until she knows that Jordyn’s gone home before going home herself. Sometimes, she utilizes their earlier dismissal and goes home right away.
Saachi also ignores every message. From time to time, she’ll reply saying that she's just busy with senior requirements but whenever Jordyn tries to prolong the conversation.
Before they know it, it’s prom day. Saachi stayed firm with her decision that she’ll go alone. She does her own makeup, she fixes her own dress, chooses her own heels. Her mom’s contribution is her Grab fare to school and back home.
The moment Saachi sees the venue of their prom, she thinks about all the guys that will try to shoot their shot. She’ll entertain the cute ones and ignore the others. Ultimately, she just hopes she doesn’t see Jordyn because she might not want to be away from her again.
Truth be told, this will probably be the first time in a while wherein Saachi will actually talk to Jordyn (if Jordyn still wants to talk to her). And honestly, if she doesn’t know how she’ll do it. Staying away from Jordyn for weeks (maybe even two months) really made her so used to not talking to her anymore. Still, it’s not like the pain she has been feeling has left her. Sure, it’s not shouting and screaming at her anymore but it’s still there, whispering and lingering every time she forces herself to cut the conversation short.
The wind is a bit harsh on Saachi’s skin as she steps out of the vehicle. Having no date for the night means she will have to be a strong independent young woman who can do things herself. Saach’s hair gets blown by the wind. She walks to the entrance, giving her ticket and signing on the attendance sheet so she can get her freebies.
From where she’s standing, she can hear the loud music from inside. The seats aren’t planned so she’ll just have to find her friends and sit with them. Saachi is sure that she doesn’t have any dirt on her face. What she’s not sure about is the reason why people are staring at her. Even the juniors are looking and it’s somehow making her feel conscious. Still, she powers through and finds Ashley.
“Ash!” she calls for her friend who is currently seated at the furthest table from the stage and the closest one to the buffet. When her friend turns, Ashley’s jaw nearly hits the floor. “Bakit?” Saachi pauses and looks at herself.
“Putangina ka,” Ashley stands up and hugs her. “Gago ang ganda mo, Sach!”
“Grabe ka!” she laughs.
“Ikot nga!” Saachi does what she is told and slowly twirls. The flowy sleeves of the dress look like faint rays of pink and blue light. It’s been her dream to wear something like her dress right now ever since she was a kid. Saachi even designed it herself. She showed it to their neighbor, who happens to be a seamstress, and lo and behold, her dress for prom. “Nanlalaban ka! Mukha kang diwata, grabe!”
“Thank you,” she pulls the chair beside her friend and settles down. So far, it’s been okay. Jordyn’s surely with her date. She tries her best not to think about it.
“Saachi, si James nga pala, prom date ko,” Ashley introduces one of the boys sitting at their table. Followed by the rest of those she doesn’t know. Saachi greets them all with a smile.
As the program begins, Saachi focuses on what is in front of her. She hears the other juniors calling a specific name but she doesn’t turn her head. The best part is just about to begin. As soon as the host calls their table, Saachi stands and falls in line for the buffet.
She looks back to her friends but catches someone’s attention instead. Jordyn’s sitting, waiting for their turn, looking at her. The dress she’s wearing is blue but also ashy. It looks like a tube but it has thin straps. Jordyn’s hair is pulled up into a bun with a few strands left to frame her face. Her eyes are piercing as though they want to tell Saachi something. Saachi knows that she’s also staring back. This is probably the longest she has looked at Jordyn after that incident where she waited for hours. She doesn’t smile. Her face remains neutral as she turns her attention back to the buffet table.
After dinner, it’s relatively normal for people, especially girls, to touch up on their makeup. Saachi goes to the comfort room, even when she’s struggling to pull her gown up so she can pee, she manages. Her silver clutch bag hangs on the door. When she gets out of the cubicle, she finds Jordyn looking for something in her bag as well. Saachi ignores the girl and just quietly washes her hands. She gets some liquid soap and makes sure all the little spaces on her hands are clean because she will touch her face. After drying them with tissue, she takes her lipstick from her clutch. Now that she’s looking at Jordyn, the dress has faint pink colors inside. It’s like the world is playing with them because their dresses are practically reversed colors of each other.
Saachi looks at herself in the mirror and puts on lipstick. She sees Jordyn still struggling. When Jordyn looks at her through the mirror, she stops moving.
“Saachi,” Jordyn calls.
Every bone in her body, including cells and nerves, are telling her to run. To save herself from another impending heart break because if it’s not clear yet, Jordyn Nakpil is straight as a ruler. But Saachi also has her limits. And she’s been missing Jordyn badly . With the way Jordyn’s looking at her, full of longing and hurt? She will never be the person to want that expression. To cause that expression.
Tanga.
She sighs, “Anong problema mo, Jordyn?”
Jordyn looks at her directly, facing her. She reaches out, holding Saachi by the arm. “Iniiwasan mo ba ako, Saachi?”
Saachi lets out another sigh. “Busy lang ako,” she answers. Jordyn shakes her head, “May kailangan ka ba?”
“Lipstick.”
She hands the lipstick, “Oh.”
Jordyn shakes her head, “Can you help me? I don’t.. Hindi ako marunong.”
Tanga tanga tanga.
Saachi just nods and uncaps the lipstick so she can put it on Jordyn. As she does, however, she regrets it instantly. Feeling Jordyn’s lips, even just through an instrument, is not good for her. Saachi never liked anyone so badly before. But something about Jordyn just really pulls her in. She loves and hates it. She loves that she’s capable of feeling so much for someone. She hates that she’s feeling for someone who she knows will not give it back.
“I miss you,” Jordyn says as Saachi glides the lipstick on her lips. Saachi sighs. If she was of legal age and she takes a shot every time she sighs, she’ll probably be drunk by now. “You don’t talk to me. Hindi mo ako tinitignan. Hindi ka nagrereply. Hindi kita mahagilap.”
She finishes putting lipstick on the junior just in time. Saachi pulls back, removes Jordyn’s hand on her arm and turns away to put the lipstick back in her bag. “Sabi ko naman diba? Bu–”
“We both know na excuse mo lang yan,” Jordyn’s voice breaks as her hold on Saachi tightens. The senior looks at Jordyn face on for the first time in months. She sees Jordyn holding her arm with both hands, eyes closed and lips pursed into a thin line. “Saachi, bakit ka lumalayo?”
“Jordyn, hindi ata ito ang tamang oras para pag usapan natin ‘to,” she gently removes one hand but Jordyn just puts it back. “Jordyn.”
Jordyn shakes her head. Saachi is surprised when the junior starts crying. “Hindi ko alam kung bakit, Sach, pero tuwing umiiwas ka, ang sakit-sakit.”
“Hindi mo kailangan magsinungaling, Jordyn. If this is about making me wait for hours for nothing, okay na.”
The younger girl shakes her head, “Ang hirap. Sobrang hirap.”
“Anong mahirap? Why are you crying?” Saachi gives it her best to be as stoic as she can but she hears the whispers in her head, telling her to reach out. Telling her to give in and just, even for this night, be the Saachi who will do everything for Jordyn. Even if it means heart break. Because truth be told, she misses Jordyn so much. She misses the way she laughs, her confused expression, when she’s pissed. Everything.
Saachi gives in. She reaches out and holds Jordyn by the cheek. The tears are ruining her makeup but still, for Saachi, this girl in front of her is the most ethereal person she has ever seen in her life. At seventeen, Saachi never expected to find the person she’s willing to spend the rest of her life with. At seventeen, Saachi didn’t expect to experience heartbreak. At seventeen, Saachi found out that love exists and it’s in those little moments she has with Jordyn during their jeepney rides, the little moments of her staring at Jordyn as the sun’s first rays touch her skin.
“Ang sakit mo, Jordyn,” she says as she wipes Jordyn’s tears. “Bakit ka umiiyak? Sobrang miss mo ba sakin at naiiyak ka? In love ka ba? Papatulan kita. Ako na ba gusto mo? Gagawin na kitang girlfriend.”
Jordyn shakes her head.
Sabi na eh.
“Saachi, hindi ko alam,” now that’s something she doesn’t expect. Jordyn keeps crying, “Mali kasi.”
“Ang alin?”
“Eto, Saachi.”
There’s hope. Saachi puts a hand on Jordyn’s waist, pulling her closer. “Ano?”
“Tuwing kasama ko si Andre, buong oras na yun, wini-wish ko na sana ikaw na lang.”
Saachi smiles, even though she knows that Jordyn will get pissed about it. “Masyado kitang gusto, Jordyn. If you’re joking, bawiin mo na. No hard feelings. I’ll just walk out and pretend this conversation never happened.”
Jordyn shakes her head, “Dapat hindi kita iniisip lagi, Sach. But you’re in every thought. Ni hindi ako makapag-aral ng maayos kasi ikaw lang iniisip ko. Bakit ka lumalayo? Bakit hindi mo na ako kinakausap? Sabi mo gusto mo ko diba? Puro biro lang ba yun?” Saachi steps closer, removing the strands of hair away from Jordyn’s face. “Mali ‘to eh.”
“Hindi. Hindi mali,” Saachi brushes her lips against Jordyn’s cheek. It’s enough to send electricity through her veins.
“Mali na gusto kita,” Jordyn’s voice is barely a whisper. For Saachi, those words out of Jordyn’s lips sounded more like a prayer.
She kisses Jordyn’s cheek again. This time, a little closer to her lips. “Mas mali kapag pinili mong hindi sumaya,” Saachi tells Jordyn. The younger girl’s fists ball against Saachi’s gown.
“I’m not supposed to like you, Saachi,” Jordyn pleads. Saachi moves, trapping Jordyn against the counter.
She looks directly at Jordyn’s eyes. “Baby, if I kiss you, are you gonna hate me?”
Jordyn stares at her for a few seconds before she slowly shakes her head. Saachi leans in. It’s a delicate moment. Saachi takes her time, like the first taste of water after a long day of drought. Their lips touch and Saachi feels Jordyn’s breath hitch.The connection is there. Saachi had long imagined how it would feel to have Jordyn’s lips against hers. Now she knows that no amount of imagination will beat reality. / She leans more to kiss Jordyn deeper, ignoring her racing heart. Her heartbeat is beating so fast that it might just leap out of her chest. Jordyn’s lips feel like cloud nine against Saachi’s.
Saachi feels all the love she has for Jordyn coming to the surface. She has been holding herself back for so long but now, she’ll make sure Jordyn feels it. If tomorrow, Jordyn decides to not want her anymore, at least she won’t have regrets.
“Mali ‘to,” Jordyn says in between kisses. “Straight ako, Saachi,” she responds to every kiss Saachi gives her.
Saachi hums and answers, “Oo. Straight ka.” Saachi pulls away for a second and stares at Jordyn. The lipstick is smudged but goddamn, Jordyn’s more perfect after being kissed. She leans in again and puts Jordyn’s arms around her neck. “Straight ka pero akin ka, Jordyn.”
Jordyn nods, kissing her back. It’s warm, soft, and yet so powerful. It’s overwhelming, even for Saachi. As they part, Saachi rests her forehead against Jordyn’s. She’s still catching her breath. She smiles at Jordyn, who smiles back. There’s no need for more words. Saachi knows she’s in love with Jordyn. While Jordyn’s not yet sure if she loves Saachi back, the senior will work around it. As long as Jordyn still wants her. Even if it’s just a small chance. She’ll take it rather than have that lingering pain of longing again.
“I’ll make you happy, babs,” Saachi promises to Jordyn. She takes the girls hands and kisses them both.