ritardando

by courfee

Summary:

ritardando (rit.) • /ri.tarˈdan.do/
becoming gradually slower → used as a direction in music

James Potter never anticipated getting panic attacks. Or finding himself relying on Regulus Black for comfort. Or for all of that to somehow lead to a pretend relationship.

Chapter 1: Everybody Talks Too Much

Notes:

i made a playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Everybody Talks by the Neon Trees

The first time it happens it takes James completely by surprise, which is, in retrospect, the entire reason it goes so badly.

He is at a party at Sirius’ flat, which James is fairly sure is only happening because his best friend is trying to distract himself from the fact he is currently standing on the brink of losing his job, since the mechanic he works for is an absolute arsehole and is hell-bent on making Sirius’ life miserable by creating problems to fire him over. Since Sirius still very much enjoys his work and it was communally decided (by everyone but Sirius) that enduring it all a little longer while trying to find a new work place is easier than trying to break out of Azkaban for illegal spells on Muggles, he has succumbed to attempts of distractions while job hunting all over again. Which means that, once again, James is living up to his student title and is partying on a random Tuesday night with a 10 a.m. class the next morning.

Everything is going great, until it is not.

One second he is having fun, dancing and laughing and talking about everything and nothing with his friends, and the next it is like someone pulled a lever in his brain. Everything around him gets pulled into focus and pushed away into some cloudy obscurity. Every single noise gets louder than it was a second before and he cannot take in a single one of them.

Peter is still talking to him but James can’t understand anything of what he is saying. He’s just staring blankly at his friend, trying to focus, watching his mouth move while his brain computes nothing. “Sorry,” James says, probably interrupting Peter in the middle of a sentence, “I really need to pee, I’ll be back in a second.”

Peter looks at him puzzled and says something else that James can’t hear because he is already stumbling through the small crowd of people in Sirius’ flat towards the bathroom.

He barely manages to throw the door shut before he collapses onto the floor next to the bathtub. His breaths are coming too fast and still somehow no oxygen is reaching his brain. There are tears on his cheeks, catching in the corner of his lips and clogging up his nose and pulling sobs from his throat. He’s starting to get dizzy and his fingers and lips are falling asleep and James has absolutely no idea what’s happening. He pulls his knees up to his chest and leans his head against them, rocking back and forth, back and forth, back and– and forth, his hands buried in his hair, tugging on it, pulling hard in an attempt to ground himself. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t work, it doesn’t–

There is a noise behind him, and it takes a second to register that someone is coming into the bathroom. Hands still shaking, James hurriedly wipes the tears off his face, willing no new ones to fall. He reaches towards the cupboard underneath the sink, pretending he’s only on the floor to look for something and says quickly, before another sob betrays his cover, “Sorry, I forgot to lock the door!”

A moment of silence, then the door falls shut again. For the tiniest second of relief James is convinced the person left. Then he hears the key being turned in the lock.

Defeated James drops his head back between his knees. “Please leave,” he says quietly, his voice shaking traitorously at the end.

Another beat of silence, then to James’ horror there is a shuffling noise and someone sits against the bathtub next to him.

“What happened?” the person asks carefully and a whole-body shiver hits James at the realisation that it is Regulus who is asking. Because of fucking course it is.

“Nothing, I’m fine.” But James’ voice breaks halfway through the word and then he’s breathing all wrong again.

Once again the silence stretches out and James is thankful for it. He doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want to listen, he doesn’t want anything, he just wants– he needs to breathe, he needs, he– he needs–

There is a hand on his back, startling him out of his spiral. It’s tentative at first, but then there are gentle circles being drawn into his skin and slowly, so slowly, it’s getting easier to breathe.

“Okay?” Regulus asks when everything has mostly ebbed away.

“I can’t feel my face,” James says stupidly.

Regulus huffs out a humourless laugh. “Yeah, that’s a panic attack for you...”

James looks up confused, although there isn’t much point to it since his glasses got lost somewhere within the past couple minutes. “I didn’t–” he starts, “That’s not– I don’t get panic attacks...”

Regulus takes his hand off James’ back and James catches himself immediately missing the contact. Idiot. “Say what you want Potter, but that was most certainly a panic attack.” He momentarily stops James’ attempt of arguing by shoving his glasses towards him, successfully distracting him. “Did something happen?”

Even with his glasses back on his nose it takes a moment to focus properly, his eyes still feeling hot and vaguely melty. Regulus watches him, his expression carefully blank, and James can’t tell if he is hiding concern or judgment or is truly simply this incredibly indifferent about James having some fucked up breakdown. “Nothing happened,” he finally gives his answer. He means to sound snippy and final about it, but he’s so very exhausted. “Which is why this can’t have been a panic attack. I wasn’t panicking.”

Regulus only hums and it is clear he does not agree with James in the slightest. James wishes he would just argue. Regulus letting him have his position without throwing a counterargument back at him feels ... off. This is not how it should go. It makes him feel like maybe he does have a point. Maybe this was a little worse than James would like to believe. And maybe he really needs to be treated softly right now.

Then a thought hits James so out of nowhere that a jolt goes right through him, starting to make him shake again. “You can’t tell anyone.” He is pleading. Begging. Desperate even to his own ears.

“James...”

“You can’t. You can’t tell them. You can’t–”

“Hey, okay, it’s fine,” Regulus urges, putting his hand back where it rested before between James’ shoulder blades. “Come on, breathe first, alright?”

He hates that it helps, a little. Doesn’t want to need comfort, yet here he is, slowly calming down again under Regulus’ touch.

“Still insisting you’re not panicking?” Regulus asks eventually.

James says nothing.

“Look, James,” Regulus says carefully. “If you don’t want me to tell anyone, I won’t. But this isn’t something you have to be embarrassed about. This isn’t something you have to keep a secret. No one would judge you for it. I know for a fact my brother’s had his fair share of panic attacks himself, he would understand if you told him. It might be good to have someone who knows how to ... help.”

“I don’t want help. I don’t want to be a bother,” James says quietly. “Sirius has currently enough shit going on what with his boss being a wanker and all that crap, he doesn’t need me freaking out on him on top of that.”

“Would you also tell Sirius he’s a bother if the roles were reversed?”

“Of course not,” James says indignantly, then quickly shuts his mouth. Of course Regulus would pull this hypothetical to makes James agree with him. As if the situations could ever be compared. As if the roles are that easily interchangeable. As if James’ problems could ever be compared to Sirius’. They’re not the same. James is not Sirius. “Just... Don’t tell him. Or any of them. Please,” he adds after too long a moment of silence in which Regulus regards him with a raised eyebrow of knowing he’s won an argument.

Regulus shrugs. “Sure, if it makes you feel better.”

“Thanks.” James leans back and lets his head fall against the brim of the bathtub. “I feel like shit,” he admits.

“Really? I couldn’t tell.” The sarcasm dripping from Regulus’ voice makes James smile.

“Thanks,” he says again.

“You’ve already said that.”

“I don’t just... Not just for not telling anyone about this. Also for, you know...” James fiddles awkwardly with the ring on his middle finger. “The being here and stuff. It helped.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Regulus brushes the words away. “I’ve been there, I know what usually helps.”

James looks up in surprise at how easily Regulus admits to it. He hadn’t expected it, least of all from Regulus who barely bothers talking to him about mundane things like the weather most days.

Regulus is clearly uncomfortable under James’ scrutinising look. He looks away and gives a little nod towards the door. “Do you want to go out there again?”

James takes a deep breath, relieved when it comes out only a little shaky, and nods. When he gets up from the floor, still a little wobbly, he catches a glance of himself in the mirror above the sink and can’t help but do a double take. “What the fuck.” He leans closer to the mirror. “You didn’t tell me I also look like shit.”

“You look perfectly normal,” Regulus immediately rebuts, standing next to James to look at him in the mirror as well.

Regulus is lying. So badly. James’ hair is a mess, even for his standards, the tingling in his face has turned his cheeks and lips bright red, and his pupils are ridiculously dilated. “People are going to notice. They’ll know.”

Regulus rolls his eyes. “If anything they will think you just hooked up with someone. Of course you somehow manage to make even sobbing look good,” he adds with an annoyed huff.

James doubts anyone would believe these were the effects of some happy activities, but he can’t stop himself from being a little pleased about Regulus having basically just called him pretty. Small victories, and all that. Still, in his opinion he looks very obviously like he just cried. Or had a proper breakdown, more like. There is no way people won’t be able to tell the difference, not when his eyes still feel like they’re trying to leave his face.

Unfortunately, there isn’t much he can do about his appearance this quickly, so all he’s left with is turning on the tab and splashing some cold water into his face in an attempt to at least make the flush on his cheeks go down.

It doesn’t really do much.

“Well,” he sighs defeated, “let’s do this then...” He walks towards the door. When Regulus doesn’t follow he turns to him quizzically.

“I do actually need to use the bathroom,” Regulus points out. “You know, the entire reason I came here in the first place...”

“Ah. Yes. Of course.” James shuffles awkwardly from foot to foot. “Well uh. Thanks again. Have fun!”

Have fun. James mentally kicks himself and quickly unlocks the door before he says anything else stupid.

Stepping out of the bathroom, James immediately collides with someone.

“Ah, perfect timing,” Marlene grins and makes a grab for the door handle, which James is already pulling to shut the door behind himself.

“Uh,” James stutters, blocking Marlene’s way. “It’s still occupied.”

Marlene raises her eyebrows, gives him a quick look over, and grins. “I see. Well, good for you, it was about time.”

“It’s not like–”

“You’re good James, don’t worry, I don’t judge.” And she gives him a pat on the shoulder.

“I swear, it’s not like that,” James insists, because this is absolutely ridiculous.

“Uh huh, and then what exactly were you doing in the bathroom with someone else?”

James opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again. “Just talking...” he settles on eventually.

Marlene raises her eyebrows at him a little further, a pointed look towards his still reddened cheeks and messy hair. “If you want to lie to me you should try to hide the signs a tiny bit better.”

The signs.

The signs are so clearly being misinterpreted right now, but James really doesn’t want to tell her he was in there crying. He doesn’t want anyone to know, least of all Marlene who is possibly the worst person he knows to keep a secret. But arguing won’t get him anywhere either, because knowing Marlene it’ll probably only convince her more that James is hiding something. So he presses his lips together and shrugs, before in a desperate attempt of distraction suggesting with a nod towards the kitchen, “Wanna dance with me?”

“Ohhhh, no, I’m waiting here. I really need to piss. Plus I want to know the gossip.”

“The gossip?”

“Gotta figure out who you were hooking up with.”

“Don’t–” James presses out because what the fuck, how had Regulus been right with his ridiculous prediction? Maybe James should let himself have minor freak out sessions in front of his friends more often if they can’t tell the difference between him crying and him getting lucky.

“Okay, just to clarify,” he tries again after a moment in which Marlene just grins up at him, her eyes quite literally sparkling with glee. “I was not hooking up with anyone. You know I wasn’t. Nothing happened. Don’t even think about making this into some scandal just because you’re extrapolating from absolutely incorrect things.”

“Ohh, not just gossip but a scandal? That bad?” Marlene grins, perfectly ignoring everything else James has said.

James groans. He is too exhausted for this. The breakdown (he still refuses to call it a panic attack. James Potter does not get panic attacks. He is fine.) has left him wobbly all over and he knows his arguments at the moment are very much lacking, and really, he doesn’t want to argue with someone who has already decided they’ve won anyway. Either she’s going to get bored of waiting in front of the bathroom, or she will get to see Regulus walk out and then, at the latest, realise that James wasn’t lying about not having hooked up with anyone. Because that would definitely be too farfetched a concept for anyone to believe. “I’m gonna go,” he announces. “I hope you fall in the toilet and drown.”

Marlene just sticks her tongue out at him, which James childishly mirrors before turning away and making his way back into the too full rooms of Sirius’ little flat.

 

—

 

Comforting James is ... weird.

Regulus had never thought he’d dread any situation more than walking in on James Potter with his dick in someone else, until he opened the door of his brother’s bathroom to find James a shaking, hyperventilating mess on the floor.

Comforting him is weird, because Regulus had never thought he’d do it. Not just because every time he thought of this scenario back when he was still in school and dreamed of such things the roles were usually reversed. But also because he had never even considered that James could... well, really, that he could even need comfort about something.

Regulus has seen James angry and straight up cruel, mainly as a reaction to his friends being treated awfully. He’s seen him cry an awful lot during movie nights when some kind of love story got its happy ending. But he’s never seen James be upset on his own behalf. Ignorantly enough had never even considered that James could feel such an emotion. Which now that he thinks about it is absolutely ridiculous, because in what world would it be normal to never feel bad. James has simply been too good at making the world (or Regulus, at least) forget about the possibility.

So, comforting James is weird. Because Regulus never even imagined it an option, and because, for whatever reason, he is surprisingly good at it. At least he gets the impression, considering James calms down quickly enough.

Regulus isn’t lying when he tells James he looks good, even when coming back from a panic attack. Maybe he is a bit biased, considering he’s had a crush on his brother’s best friend for a good decade at this point, but even then the point stands that James is an annoyingly pretty crier.

Regulus hates it.

He hates a lot of things that have to do with James, really. It’s how he’s learned to deal with the constant, irritating fondness he feels for him. If he finds ways to hate the little things, reasons to argue and ways in which James irks him, it is easier to live life normally. A dash of hatred and spite to offset the adoration.

It’s not enough to make him not worry about James, though. Regulus doesn’t feel great about letting him leave the bathroom taking only Regulus’ promise to stay silent about this with him. Having a panic attack is one thing. That happens, Regulus would fucking know. But staying silent about it, about the reasons for it? That is something Regulus did for far too many years and he cannot recommend it in the least. And ... alright, James has a point with not wanting to tell Sirius. Regulus hadn’t realised Sirius was so stressed about his job. He knows his boss is an arsehole, but he hadn’t known it got to Sirius that much.

Maybe James is exaggerating. Not unlikely with how much these two care about the other’s well-being. But if he is not? If it really is as bad as James makes it out to be? Then he really can’t fault him for wanting to shield Sirius from yet another burden.

Regulus sighs and washes his hands, staring himself down in the mirror.

He doesn’t need to get involved in this. This was a one-off thing; James is too good at handling things not to get past this as well. And Sirius is clearly still working, and still partying, and still has enough money over from Alphard to pay his own and most of Regulus’ rent. If things get worse, he’ll know. Until then there isn’t much point in worrying about it. No reason to get involved in lives of people that don’t want him to get involved in them.

He straightens his clothes, fixes his hair to fall neatly again, and forces himself to banish James Potter back into that little box, carefully taped shut, sitting in the last corner of his mind.

Which is why, when Regulus steps out of the bathroom, his thoughts now veering to which horror film from his, Evan and Barty’s list he should suggest next, the surprised “Baby Black?” he’s being greeted with makes him jump.

Regulus scowls at Marlene leaning against the opposite wall, looking at him with huge eyes, that quickly narrow in delight as she starts cackling. “What?” he snaps, not really appreciating a welcome committee from his walk out of the bathroom.

“No reason to be so snippy. I just didn’t expect you to be the one in there.”

That makes him slow. “In... the bathroom?”

Marlene nods enthusiastically.

“Why wouldn’t I use the bathroom?”

“What an excellent question! Why wouldn’t you? This is all perfectly reasonable, actually!”

Regulus gives her a look that hopefully conveys just how fucking weird he thinks she is, then pushes past her without another word.

He finds Barty and Evan in the crowd and tells them he’s heading home, then says goodbye to his brother. He lingers there a little longer than usual, James’ words about how Sirius is struggling a lot recently still hammering in his head.

“Are you sure you already need to go?” Sirius pouts, more than a little tipsy. “You’ve barely spent any time here.”

“I have a class at 8 a.m. tomorrow,” Regulus interjects. “I can’t afford to sleep through that one.”

Sirius pouts some more, but when Mary pushes another bottle of Daisyroot Draught into his hand and asks if he wants to join her for a dance, it quickly fades into a grin.

“Next time you’ll stay longer!” he tells Regulus, pushing his finger into his chest. “No excuses! Class doesn’t count!”

Regulus shakes his head irritated but doesn’t argue. He doubts Sirius could be convinced in the state he’s currently in. “Have some more fun on my behalf,” he tells his brother, then squeezes through the little crowd of people to get to the front door. On his way he catches sight of James in conversation with a girl Regulus doesn’t recognise. He looks up, and for a second their eyes meet.

Regulus gives a little nod, a quiet promise that he will pretend to forget about what happened a couple minutes prior.

James gives a smile in return. A weak, wobbly thing. But it’s a genuine one, before he turns back to his conversation and it becomes too wide.

Regulus doesn’t stay to watch if the girl notices how wrong it looks.

 

—

 

James tries to stay at the party for longer, he really does. He puts in the effort to start a conversation with the girl Peter brought, but his head is simply not in it. He would have never expected that some crying could leave him this incredibly drained, but here he is, no energy left, and no capacity to even pretend to be happy and carefree that night. He excuses himself soon enough from the girl and heads through the crowd to find Sirius to tell him he has a headache and needs to go to sleep. Sirius is proper drunk by now, nursing on another bottle of liquor as he wishes James to get better with a sympathetic kiss to his cheek.

When James gives a hurried goodnight wave into the crowd he tries to spot Regulus once more, feeling the need to say goodbye to him personally as well, but between the people dancing he cannot spot him. It’s for the better, he tells himself. He already took up too much of Regulus’ time as is.

 

When James wakes up the next morning, a good hour before he is supposed to get up, he feels perfectly fine. At least he does, until he grabs his phone for some mindless scrolling through social media, and finds it flooded with texts from his friends.

He is instantly alert with nerves. Sure, he talks to his friends a lot, but this? This isn’t normal amounts of texts. This is something happened and you need to answer your phone as quickly as possible amounts of texts. He sits up, hastily pushing his glasses on his nose, already sick with worry about what he might find.

Naturally, the first chat he opens is Sirius’. If anything happened to him and James didn’t check there immediately, he’d never forgive himself.

Sirius Pads
Mate????
My brother???????
What dou you mean my brother????
You couldntve at least told me??
Hello???
PRONGS
ANSWER
DONT TELL ME YOU ACTUALLY TOOK HIM HUME WIHT OYU
YOU SAID OYU HAVE A HWADACHE I TRUSTED YOU
I WISHED YOU GET WELL SOON
ANS YOU FO AND HOOK UP WITH REGGIE????
(if you actually have a headache im so sorry i hope youll feel better soon i loveyou sm)
(still what do you mean you hooked up with reggie??
IN MY BATHROOM
AND DIDNT EVEN TELL ME YOU LIKD HIM
???????
You do like him, right????
Like im pretty sure you do cause else you owuldnt but still gotta make sure
Dont tell me you hookedup with my brother for puire funsies please
Please
Prongs im begging you
Prongs
Hello???????
:/

James stares at his phone with mixed feelings.

On the one hand the fact that apparently no real emergency took place relieves him immensely. On the other .... this is not exactly a trade-off that feels much better.

Because here is the thing about James Potter. A secret, a small little detail that is barely worth mentioning. A memory, a moment that hardly warrants recalling.

A random Sunday morning in June a few years back when he walked into Sirius’ flat with the innocent intent of picking up his best friend for a Quidditch match between their favourite teams, only to be greeted by an exhausted looking Regulus Black. An exhausted looking Regulus Black wearing nothing but an oversized band shirt and boxers, standing on the stove cooking breakfast very badly, blushing furiously when he turned and spotted James.

The downright irrelevant fact that ever since Regulus greeted him with a blush, a scowl, and the smell of burning eggs on that otherwise ordinary Sunday morning in June, James has had a bit of a crush on his best friend’s little brother.

Fantasied about kissing him.

Maybe taking him out on a nice date.

Or to his bedroom.

Or their shared bedroom.

Spend the rest of his life with him.

.... Okay, so possibly it eventually turned into a little more than just a bit of a crush.

The problem of course is that Regulus doesn’t know, never will know, and Sirius was most definitely never supposed to find out. James still has some dignity left and he isn’t very keen on losing that for unrequited love confessions for his best friend's brother.

Quickly James scrolls through all the other messages which, to his horror, turn out to be more or less the same as Sirius’, if a lot less dramatic. They’re ranging from disbelief over congratulations to I fucking called its, which are the ones that James stares at in confusion the longest until his phone gives another ping, startling him out of it.

Regulus
Hi James

James’ heart does a funny little thing and he has to tell it to shut the fuck up before he quickly changes to Regulus’ chat.

They’ve never really texted each other all that much. James has sent a handful of posts about Regulus’ favourite show or a silly meme that he thought Regulus might enjoy, but he barely ever replied. James got the hint eventually and kept the texting mostly to the bare minimum. For Regulus, having each other’s phone number had obviously never been for more than convenience and organising Sirius’ birthday presents. James has learned to live with that.

Regulus is still drafting his text. The little typing... message keeps appearing and disappearing, until finally it stops showing up for good. James waits another minute, but no new messages appear, so finally he decides to text back himself, typing his words out hesitantly.

James
good morning
it seems you mightve been right yesterday
considering oyu texted me i assume you either got similar texts or people already asked you about us yesterday?
uhm so i dont really know what to do with this
what do we do with this

There is a moment of silence in which James stares at his phone in nervous anticipation, then it starts vibrating in his hand. He picks up the incoming call before the first ring ends.

“Good morning, Reggie,” he greets cheerfully while his heart starts beating quicker.

“You’ve already said that,” comes the dry reply.

“Incorrect,” James corrects, “I’ve texted it. That’s different.”

A beat of silence. Then, “Anyway.”

“Shoot,” James prompts, suddenly a lot more sober.

Regulus clears his throat and even through the distortion of the speaker James can hear the awkwardness. They’re so not used to talking to each other, even less so on the phone. “You should clear this up, James. I’d rather not they assume we’re dating.”

There is that odd thing again that James’ heart does, a little stumble, a missed beat. Only this time it comes along with a little stab right through its centre.

“Oh– Yeah, sure,” he hurries to say. “Understandable. I already tried telling Marls what’s going on yesterday but I was a little too out of it to make much sense I think...”

A groan from the other side of the line. “Fucking fantastic. So that’s why she was there when I came out of the bathroom and did what I can only describe as gleeful cackling? She didn’t want to elaborate on that, but if she saw you right before me that explains an unfortunate number of things.”

“Yeah... Sorry about that...”

“And I left right afterwards because I have a class in fifteen minutes, but–”

“Oh,” James interrupts. That explains why he couldn’t find Regulus again last night. And also– “That’s why Sirius thinks we spent the night together. Well. Fuck.”

“That’s one way to put it.”

James runs his free hand through his hair and laughs awkwardly. Not only did he have to embarrass himself in front of the person he’s had a crush on for the better part of the last two years by sitting next to him sobbing for a good twenty minutes, oh no. No, now he also gets to explain to all of his friends that said person is decisively not interested in him. That all those things that James has fantasied an inappropriate number of times about are all only figments of their imagination due to some unfortunate misunderstandings which James is not willing to clear up. Fucking brilliant.

“So yes,” Regulus says when the silence has stretched on for too long. “I’d appreciate if you could fix this. I don’t care how, just fix it.”

James kind of wants to cry. “I’ll do my best. Sorry for having dragged you into this accidentally.”

“It’s fine.” But James can hear that Regulus doesn’t think it’s fine at all.

“I’m sorry,” James says again.

“I have to go, I’ll be late to class.”

“Have fun. I’ll fix it, don’t worry.”

“Thank you,” Regulus says, and then the call ends.

James drops his phone on the bed and himself right next to it before he grabs a pillow and tries to smother himself with it. When he does come back up for air unfortunately alive and well all he can do is let out a very enthusiastic “Fuck!”

He had never meant to do anything about his crush on Regulus, sure, but he had also never meant to actively drag himself through doing something to sabotage it. This was all so fucking stupid. He had been blissfully ignoring Regulus not being interested in him, had smiled pleasantly when Regulus talked about his partners, had shrugged it off with a grin when his attempts at flirting were only answered by a scowl. And yet he had always kept that tiny glimmer of hope and wishful thinking that maybe, miraculously, he actually had feelings for James as well.

Well, that glimmer just got nicely doused in a bucket full of ice-cold water. Just thinking about how incredibly put off Regulus had sounded at the prospect that anyone could even think him and James could be involved in any way whatsoever makes his chest hurt. He never wanted to have it be confirmed this bluntly.

James consoles himself with the prospect that maybe, with this confirmation spoken out into the world, he will finally work on getting over his stupid feelings. Finally move on. Finally stop pretending that something could ever happen between the two of them.

With a groan James rolls over and grabs his phone once more and opens Sirius’ chat first.

James
hello goodmorning pads
i did NOT hook up with your brother last night
or at any point ever for taht matter
I DID have a headache last night adn went hoe and to sleep
*home
and regulus was definitely not here when that happened
marls was fucking me over with that one we genuinbely wrre just talking
party was too loud and the bahtroom was free so we had a short conversatoin there
so not worries
im not dating regulus, i didnt hook up with regulus, and its never gonna happen dw
i lvoe you too <3333

 

—

 

The messages come in a minute before his professor does.

Regulus opens the group chat he has with all his friends. He still thinks Chaos Crew is a stupid name for the chat, but he begrudgingly has to admit that it fits rather well. Barty and Evan alone live up to it perfectly, but once Regulus’ friend group started mixing with his brother’s friends after they all left Hogwarts and ended up having more to do with each other due to some overlaps in study paths, there was no way it wouldn’t end up being chaotic.

James Potter [Chaos Crew]
hell everyone

Regulus snorts at the typo. It sure fucking is hell.

James Potter [Chaos Crew]
*hello
it has come to my attention that i am bad at arguing with marlene when i have a headache, but since my headache is gone i am now going to clear some things up
regulus and i are NOT dating or hooking up or anyhting of the likes
our relationship is confined to being friends who share a sirius
thats it :) good luck with your hangovers everyone
@ marls stop creating unfounded gossip xoxo

Regulus has barely time to process the messages before the next text comes in. Remus must have one of his early days at the school he’s working at for his teacher trainings, because Regulus doubts he would be awake this early otherwise.

Remus Lupin [Chaos Crew]
Look at that, only two typos and one of them got fixed immediately. Prongs really must be serious here.

James Potter [Chaos Crew]
that i am! glad you nticed :D

Regulus waits for anyone else to say something, but the chat stays silent. They’re probably all still sleeping off their hangovers.

The professor is still sorting through her notes, not even having turned on the projector yet, so Regulus knows the actual lecture won’t start for at least another five minutes. With how bad she is with technology, even now at nearly the end of the semester, Regulus has debated whether she is a pureblood witch trying to adapt to Muggle technology as well several times. He doubts it, though. If she was he probably would have recognised her name from one of those endless dinner parties he had to sit through for most of his life.

Regulus scrolls back up in the chat, going through yesterday’s messages.

No mention of him and James anywhere. In fact, the last thing that was sent was Evan promising he’d bring the good alcohol to the party followed by several whoops and cheers. No, it’s his private messages that had him text James this morning.

Sirius’ very indignant What the fuck reggie??? and Barty and Evan’s announcement that they will buy a ‘I suffered through a decade of Regulus pining and all I got was this lousy cake’ cake to celebrate him finally getting to fuck his most persistent crush.

Regulus fucking wishes that was the case.

He doesn’t care about the fact that he’s in love with James most days. He’s had enough time to get used to it. Enough time to work around his feelings until they’re nothing more than a simmering static somewhere in the back of his chest that only bubbles over when he has to see James snog some random person in a pub or when he carelessly flirts with Regulus to rile him up, never caring that it feels a lot less like a joke to Regulus than it does to him. He’s come to terms with the fact that loving James Potter will simply be a part of who he is for the rest of his life, and for the most part he is fine with it.

He stops being fine with it when his friends celebrate his success at wooing James, though. A fucking cruel joke by the universe, dangling the idea of hooking up with James right in front of his face but pushing the reality of it even further away.

Regulus glances back down at the texts James sent. He doubts Evan will be satisfied with these. And sure, Barty will believe him once Regulus explains what happened (or as much as he can, considering he gave a promise to James to keep what actually happened in Sirius’ bathroom a secret), but Barty is a dick, he’ll be relentless about teasing Regulus about fucking James behind his brother’s back, regardless of whether or not it’s true. And if Regulus has to think about that for even one more second, imagine what he could have been doing with James, he will lose the last remains of his sanity. So, considering it’s nearly exam season and he rather cares about his studies, he will have to find a way to banish James Potter and the prospect of not fucking him from his mind.

While his professor finally figures out how to turn on the projector, Regulus scrolls through his contacts until he finds the one he’s looking for.

Regulus
Are you up for having your plans later include me? I could do with some fun and distractions ;)

 

—

 

“So, just a misunderstanding, huh?”

James looks up just in time to see Peter flopping himself down on the seat next to him. Uncharacteristically early, James might add. Peter has been late to nearly every single lecture him and James share, which with Peter full time studying astrophysics and James part time dabbling in mechanical engineering are admittedly not all that many. Still, seeing him a solid ten minutes before the start of the lecture makes James’ eyebrows raise all on their own accord.

“You’re here early,” he notes.

“Good morning to you too, Prongs.”

James blinks at him incredulously. “Hello? You’re the one who opened with a mysterious conversation starter and no good morning whatsoever.”

Peter simply chuckles and lightly punches his arm before pulling a college block and ballpoint pen out of his backpack. Honestly, leaving Hogwarts and discovering the beauties of standard Muggle stationeries was one of the greater experiences in James’ life so far. He does not miss the eternal ink splotches on his hands and the broken quills one bit.

“To clear up the mysteries of my conversation starter,” Peter says unperturbed, “you’re telling me you didn’t decide to fuck Padfoot’s little brother in Padfoot’s bathroom last night?”

James feels his face heat up immediately and looks left and right to see if anyone is listening. Sure, people might not know who Padfoot is, but gossip is always welcome, regardless of whether the people listening in are Muggles or wizards. He doubts anyone actually cares much who exactly is talked about as long as they can find out about someone else’s drama, even more so when it is about scandalous sex.

“I did not,” James hushes Peter. “As I said in the chat. Plus, do you really think I would have a hook up in Padfoot’s bathroom?”

Peter shrugs. “What do I know, you’ve done stranger things. Maybe you changed your mind and made some new self-discoveries.”

“Well, I haven’t. I didn’t fuck Regulus.”

“Marls doesn’t believe you,” Peter says bluntly. “Says you so clearly looked like you just had a very great fuck when you came out of the bathroom. And Regulus is a far better liar than you, but according to her he, too, couldn’t quite hide his frazzled look. I’m pretty sure she’s already planning to make story time videos about this entire thing just for the chaos and because she thinks people will enjoy the drama of it all.”

“She wouldn’t,” James says genuinely horrified.

Out of everyone in their friend group who grew up purely surrounded by wizards Marlene had adapted to the Muggle technology the quickest. Of course, they couldn’t mention anything magic related on the internet – the ministry still being extremely old fashioned in that regard, insisting on a clear divide between the magical and Muggle world regularly erase any traces of true magical information from the internet, despite half of the wizarding population having to start their careers on the Muggle side as well. But that hadn't stopped Marlene in the slightest. From just tipping her toes into the world of social media, she had somehow managed to become incredibly popular with her various workout videos and the occasional gossip about her friends. And because James is hot (Marlene’s words, though James himself is of course inclined to agree) she’s misused him for views once or twice, making him participate in her football exercises or silly little trends James never quite gets. In this regard he is still a painfully pure-blooded wizard and slightly overwhelmed by it all. But according to Marlene people have been happily objectifying him and asked for more James content, which he can’t deny is a huge boost to his ego. However, he’d rather the content about him wasn’t about this rumour involving Regulus, because people would definitely care about that too much. And James, quite honestly, most certainly would prefer if they didn’t.

“Maybe talk to her then, because I am pretty sure she would,” Peter advises.

“Ugh,” James drops his head down on the table in front of him. “Why does she have to be like this?”

“I am more interested in knowing why you got yourself into this situation in the first place. You know, I am kind of inclined to agree with Marls here, considering you left me standing in the middle of our conversation. Like, from what I can tell what happened was that Regulus made pretty eyes at you from across the room, you got incredibly horny, and oops, bathroom time it is.”

James quickly sits up again. “Oh,” he says. “Fuck.”

Peter only laughs at him.

“I am so sorry, I meant to apologise to you, but I got kind of distracted and forgot about it...”

“Distracted because you had your best friend’s little brother get you all hot and bothered, eh?”

“Nooo,” James whines. Unfortunately he can very much see Peter’s point here. That explanation does make a lot more sense than James simply dipping in the middle of a conversation because he needed to use the bathroom only to return flushed and rumpled and immediately leave at the same time as the person he had merely a conversation with inside a locked room. Putting it like that it does sound awfully suspicious. Still– “I swear, Peter, this is not what’s happening. I need you to trust me on this, there is nothing going on with Regulus and me. He made it very, very clear that he is extremely pissed about all of you assuming he might be interested in me.”

Peter snorts. “Sure.”

“Peter...”

“No, it’s fine, I’ll drop it, it’s your thing, I support you in whatever. And if that’s insisting there is nothing going on between the two of you, then so be it.”

Not exactly the answer James was hoping for, but good enough for now. If he ignores it and Regulus ignores it then everyone will eventually get the hint and forget about it all.

 

—

 

“I can’t believe you actually got cake?” Regulus has to admit, he is impressed by the dedication to the bit.

“The café let me take it for like five bucks, I wasn’t going to pass up on it just because you insist on telling lies,” Evan shrugs off, placing a big slice of cake on a plate and handing it to Regulus. It has the rather accurate words I suffer in bright green icing written on top. He holds it up to show to Barty with a dead vacant stare, pointing at himself.

“Reggie, you have a fresh lovebite barely hidden under your collar, you can’t tell me you’re suffering right now,” Barty points out.

Regulus curses. He had told Maxwell not to leave any marks on him. But that twat has started to become too comfortable with Regulus, some kind of possessive streak that Regulus would find attractive in other people (well. Very certain people.), but not on someone he just wants to have around for an easy, no strings attached occasional fuck. If it continues like this he will have to stop seeing Max, which would be a shame, because he is genuinely good in bed.

“I told that prick not to do that,” he snaps, rubbing his neck as if that could make it go away.

“And here I thought you’d like having Potter leave his signature over you.”

“Potter?” Regulus frowns. Then Evan’s words sink in and he groans. “This wasn’t James. Again, I’m not sleeping with James. As I’ve said before, as he’s explained in the chat. This was the same guy I’ve been sleeping with for the past months, as should be bloody obvious.”

“Yeah, sure,” Evan snorts.

Regulus is this close to throwing his cake at Evan. But it’s cheesecake, and he likes cheesecake. He resigns himself to glaring at Evan and shoving a spoonful of cake into his mouth.

 

—

 

James sees Marlene the next afternoon. They both have taken up a part time job for helping out with teaching Quidditch to pre-Hogwarts kids twice a week. James absolutely loves it, getting to witness the joy in the eyes of those eight-year-old children the same way he had felt when he first started playing at the Little League makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And when one of the kids manages to score some impressive goal or fly a lap breaking their own record, James’ chest swells with pride.

Marlene is less emotionally invested in it all, but so incredibly competitive about everything that James is fairly sure half the reason the children improve so quickly is only because she wants to one-up James with her sports knowledge and more effective teaching methods. Today, however, she is a lot less focussed on her drills than usual.

“I’m just saying James, people would fuckin’ love this. Come on, even if–” she puts extra emphasis on the word, looking pointedly at James, “–there is nothing happening with you and Baby Black, does that really matter? Everyone lies on the internet, and everyone is fucking obsessed with you. Which, by the way, fuck you for that. I am so open about being a lesbian and focus on calling attention to women and yet they all ignore that to thirst over some bloke.”

James sticks his tongue out at her. “Well, that one’s on you. You’re the one who bullied me into joining you in the first place, it’s not my fault I am incredibly attractive.”

“Irrelevant,” she waves his remark aside. “What is relevant is that they will eat this up and I will make that sweet, sweet money and might even invite you for dinner as a treat.”

“Listen, Marls–” James interrupts himself as a little girl whizzes past him chasing a Quaffle to call after her, “Liza, keep your elbows closer to your body when you sprint, it’ll make you faster and keep you safe from Bludgers!” Liza, ever so eager to play well, immediately follows James’ advice, who keeps watching her as he turns back to his conversation with Marlene. “Listen, I would be very much in support of all of that and if you want me to get all slutty for your views again or whatever, you just gotta ask, but you have to drop this one. We aren’t dating, I’m not sleeping with my best friend’s little brother behind his back, and Regulus is probably going to stab me if I don’t manage to convince you otherwise.”

“Might do you some good,” Marlene says with a shrug.

“What, being stabbed?”

“Yeah, little reality check.”

James tears his eyes away from Liza to look at Marlene lost. “What reality?”

“The one where not everyone wants to see you be slutty and treat you like a prince and fall to their knees to please you ‘cause they think you’re cool and hot or whatever,” she says, sticking out her tongue at him, before flying after one of the boys who just started getting into a fight over the Beater’s bat with one of his teammates.

James stares after her. This was... well, at least it carried the potential implication that Marlene isn’t fully convinced him and Regulus are dating. He thinks. Probably? Following her line of thought there was rather impossible, really. Because, James has to remind himself, she didn’t actually agree to drop the subject and not involve half the internet either.

Plus, Marlene reminding him of the fact that Regulus doesn’t care for him at all just ... hurts. Which it probably shouldn’t anymore. James has spent enough time trying to change that fact. And he’s starting to get somewhere. In the past year James is fairly sure he’s gotten to a level where he can more or less confidently say he’s moved up from being nothing more than some annoying yet persistent extension of Sirius to someone Regulus might also call a friend, most of the time.

Now, however, he’s managed to push himself further into the forefront of Regulus’ life by freaking out on him and having their entire friend group speculate over the nature of their relationship. Of course Regulus would be upset about that. It’s not like James isn’t either, if for completely different reasons.

Every time James thinks he might get over his stupid crush he gets painfully reminded that he is too good at falling in love and too bad at getting up again.

 

—

 

“Where were you all day today?” Evan asks when Barty comes waltzing back into Regulus and Barty’s shared flat. “I’ve been here for the past hour doing absolutely nothing because Regulus refuses to stop his course work under the excuse that there’s no point in entertaining me without you here.”

“Well, there isn’t,” Regulus says without looking up from his laptop, still furiously typing away on the discussion he needs for the next day. He really should have started on this earlier.

“I grabbed a coffee with Isla from my paper class.”

“Paper? Like, the material paper? What does that have to do with polisci?”

Barty kicks Evan’s legs until he makes enough space on the sofa for Barty to sit down as well before he answers. “I got bored from politics so I decided to pick up paper science technologies as well.”

Regulus snorts, saving his document now that both his friends are actually here. “How many degrees are you planning on getting?”

Barty throws his legs over Evan’s lap, leaning back against the arm rest of the sofa. “We’ll see, depends on how hot the professors are.” He winks at Regulus.

“Are there actually any hot professors?” Evan asks doubtfully.

Regulus hums. “My Crime prof is quite hot.”

“I’ve also seen a photo of the chemistry faculty staff and even you’d consider starting there if you saw that, Evan.”

“Shame,” Regulus sighs, “Maybe I should have stuck with becoming a Healer after all...”

“You weren’t even in the Poison department,” Evan points out, “You wouldn’t even have had the hot professors.”

“I’m sure I could have made it work somehow.”

“The hot professor is a woman,” Barty notes.

Regulus pauses. “Ah. Well. Guess it’s a good thing I switched to Literature after all...” He closes the uni folder on his laptop and switches over to the browser. “So, everyone still happy with Hereditary?”

Hums of agreement sound through the room, so Regulus pulls up the film.

“I still think it’s not fair that we have to do a small circle movie night just ‘cause half of our friends are too scared of some silly horror. I also sit through their stupid rom coms, and do you hear me complaining?”

“Yes, actually,” Regulus immediately answers Barty’s question.

“Apart from now,” Barty huffs indignantly.

“We just need to overthrow Potter’s dictatorship, his vote has too much weight,” Evan contemplates.

Regulus can hear Barty’s answer before he actually gives it. “Do not,” he says pre-emptively, holding up his index finger in warning.

Barty’s grin only widens. “And what is it I should not be doing?”

Regulus narrows his eyes at his friend and says nothing. It’s as good as any other reply he could give in an attempt to stop Barty from saying–

“If you make use of your pretty mouth again I’m sure you could convince Potter to watch some horror with us.”

– Yeah. That.

“It’s been three fucking weeks, Barty, even if this had been funny at some point by now it’s so overdone.”

“Considering you’re still getting a little hazy eyed there whenever we mention your little hookups, I’d say it’s still very much funny,” Evan butts in, because apparently he also hates Regulus, who drops his head in his hands in exasperation.

“I fucking wish I was hooking up with James.”

“So happy for you that your wishes are already reality,” Barty says innocently.

Without looking up, Regulus shows him his middle finger. “Believe me, if I was hooking up I’d tell you all about it.”

“Yeah no, I’m still convinced that you’re just gatekeeping ‘cause you don’t want us to know how big his dick actually is so we don’t end up hitting on him.” The way Evan sounds completely serious doesn’t bode all too well for Regulus’ sanity. It’s been nearly three weeks of this. Constant reminders of his supposed hookup with James and several instances where Evan or Barty alluded to yet another meetup of the two, whenever Regulus came home from one of his actual hookups. “Although, he can’t be that good in bed considering you’ve been grumpier than ever. He’s gotta up his game and fuck some of his constant sunshiny-ness into you.”

“Evan, for the love of–”

“Tell me I’m wrong, please, I–”

“I’ve been telling you you’re wrong, you just refuse to believe me!”

“–do not believe you, the way he looks at you–”

“Again, there is no looking, you’re making that up.”

“–and obviously you’ve wanted to fuck him since forever, so of course–”

Regulus’ phone lights up with a notification and he instantly picks it up, happy to get an out from this conversation he must have had a dozen times in the past couple weeks. The relief quickly gives way to a swoop of his stomach when he sees who sent it. Before he even gets the chance to unlock the phone, there’s another message, then another, and slowly that swoop is followed by a plummeting into dread.

Evan is still babbling on, but Regulus has tuned him out completely, fingers flying to scroll through his contacts, while a fourth message appears on the top of his screen.

In the two seconds it takes him to get up and stroll across the room, his call goes through.

Notes:

all my love to fen for lending me a writing brain and listening to me whine a bunch <33

this fic has been quite a while in the making, i've written the first 6 chapter before deciding i dont like them and rewrote them more or less from scratch. somehow adding regulus' pov made this entire thing less depressing, which is a very odd thing to say

i have thought out career/study paths for the entire chaos crew. i am not sure yet if all of them will be relevant. if not i absolutely will yap about it at some point in the notes because i care about this a lot

EDIT: the amazing fluke has made an increidbly gorgeous comic panel of the moment James first fell for Regulus, which you can look at here

find me on tumblr

Chapter 2: Cover It All Up With Lies

Notes:

link to the playlist for this fic

this chapter's title is from Boys Don't Cry by The Cure

The second time it happens James is somehow not any less taken by surprise, which is, in retrospect, the entire reason everything is getting so much worse.

Admittedly, everything had been going kind of just fine harbouring on bad for a week now. His crush on Regulus hasn’t gotten less (why would it suddenly, after it’s been festering for years. Regulus telling him in no unclear terms that he doesn’t want anyone to think they could be dating had fucking hurt, but it didn’t make him like Regulus any less. His hopes that it would help him get over his crush were incredibly misplaced from the start). Sirius has had rather little time for him between working, searching for jobs and job interviews (and James gets it, he does, but he needs Sirius hugs every now and then). And his studies... fuck, he so does not want to even think about that part most of all.

So when James sits at home, staring at an empty Word document on his laptop that he has to somehow fill within the next couple days and the world starts zooming in and out of focus he starts to panic. Not necessarily about the paper, but rather about the fact that he is panicking about the paper.

He doesn’t know how to do this on his own. Doesn’t feel like he can do this on his own, honestly. So he does the only thing that makes sense to him in that moment. Grabs his phone and hopes, begs the universe that Regulus will answer.

James
reg
fuck
i thin kj need you
pleqde

When Regulus calls him mere seconds later, James picks up with shaking fingers.

“James?”

James wants to reply, he really does, but all that comes out of his mouth is a sob, and then he is hyperventilating properly.

“Fuck,” Regulus says under his breath, obviously not meant for James, then, “I’ll come over, give me a minute, I’ll–”

In the background James can hear someone snicker, someone wishing Regulus lots of fun which he replies to with a biting “piss off”, then a door opens and closes. James realises only then that Regulus was with someone.

He wants to apologise for asking for help, wants to tell him it’s not necessary and he will be fine, but he still can’t do much more than gasp for air in between his sobs.

“Hey, James, breathe, alright? You just gotta breathe. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. You are home, right?”

Somehow he manages an affirmative noise.

“Okay, good. Now just take a deep breath and hold it in for a couple seconds before you let it out, okay? Come on, I’ll do it with you.” And through the phone James listens to Regulus take an audible breath in and count down before releasing it slowly. James isn’t entirely sure if this helps him at all, or if having to get his breathing come out correctly under Regulus’ attentive judgement only makes him more stressed about not breathing properly, but he tries his best to mirror the sounds coming through the phone anyway.

By the time Regulus rings the doorbell a little while later James has already calmed down enough that he feels bad about having texted Regulus in the first place. His face is numb and his muscles feel like they were replaced by flobberworms but he is clearly not dying and all this now feels like a bit of an overreaction. He feels a little worse about it still when he opens the door and Regulus is there, still on the phone, only hanging up and storing it back in his pocket when he lays eyes on James.

James feels his heart clench and he kind of wants to cry a little bit more.

“Sorry for making you come here when I’m fully fine.” He tries to give his best grin but his best right now is kind of abysmal.

Regulus gives him a cutting look, obviously not thinking much of the grin either. “Can I come in?” he asks instead of dignifying James with a reply.

James opens the door wider in lieu of an answer and watches as Regulus makes his way into his flat.

It’s not that he’s never been here at all. James has his own flat, very much realising he is an incredibly privileged student with the amounts of money he’s got without having to work, and like Sirius he’s used the lack of a bothered flatmate to throw the occasional party or game night. So Regulus has been around. Several times, in fact. He’s just never been around on his own.

Until Sirius’ party three weeks ago it’s never been only the two of them anywhere, really, not in any kind of significant situation. Which Regulus seems to realise now as well when he awkwardly halts in the hallway, hovering uncertainly after having taken off his shoes and now clearly lacking an idea of what to do.

“Do you have tea?” he asks eventually, giving a little jerk with his head towards the door he stopped next to.

James nods and leads the way through into the kitchen, opening a cupboard to show his impressive collection of boxes and tins filled with loose leaves and tea bags.

Regulus inspects everything carefully before asking, “Do you have a favourite one?”

James nods again. “The uh... the glass jar there. It’s my father’s, he collects his own tea. Reminds me of home.”

Regulus’ face does some weird little contortion for a second but it evens out quickly enough. He grabs the jar, unscrews it and gives it a little sniff. “That’ll work,” he decides. “Teapot?”

James gets it off the cupboard, a bright orange pot with white squiggly lines, and carefully sits it down on the counter next to Regulus, who has already busied himself turning on the kettle.

It’s odd having Regulus navigate his way through James’ space. It’s not much he is doing. It’s only making tea. And yet it feels incredibly domestic to James, and through his exhaustion and remnants of dizziness from all the crying he can feel another kind of dizziness creeping up on him, making him a little heady.

“Sit,” Regulus says. Practically commands. “I’ll handle the tea.”

James can’t really argue against that tone. And admittedly, sitting sounds really nice right now, so he lets himself fall down on one of his dining chairs and watches Regulus work in silence.

Even now, exhausted as he is, James doesn’t know what to do with the silence. Surprisingly enough it’s not as bad with Regulus as he expected, not as bad as it is with most other people. But still, Regulus isn’t Sirius, who is the only person James has ever truly felt comfortable being silent with, so when the quiet start creeping into his muscles, making him twitchy and anxious, he says the first thing he can think of, which is, “I’m sorry for calling you. I wasn’t really thinking clearly.”

“I could tell,” Regulus replies, pouring boiling water into the teapot. “Don’t worry about it.”

James still worries about it. “Thank you for coming here. I didn’t... I didn’t mean to interrupt whatever you were doing. It was– I was overreacting a bit, I’m clearly okay, so I feel kind of bad for having made you come all the way here.”

That prompts Regulus to put the kettle back into its spot with a resolut thud before he turns around abruptly. “Let’s get this one thing straight, James.” James tenses up at the sudden sharpness of his voice, the steely look Regulus is fixing him under. “You didn’t make me come here. You didn’t even call me. You texted me, asking for help, and I decided for myself that I wanted to help you, okay? I called you and I offered to come over, which was completely my own decision.”

James tightens his jaw, wanting to say something, not knowing how.

“And one more thing,” Regulus says and he sounds nearly angry now as he does so. “You’re so far from clearly okay right now, so don’t even fucking pretend, alright? Just because you’ve stopped panicking for now doesn’t mean everything is suddenly fine. So you’re going to drink this tea now and then you’re going to tell me what’s going on and I’m going to tell you how stupid you’re being about it all.”

“Oh– okay...” James stutters, eyes wide.

“Do you have a favourite mug?” Regulus asks, still in that angry, sharp voice.

“The uh...” James blinks startled, trying to stop the blood from rushing into his head. “The stag one.”

Regulus turns sharply towards the cupboard, not even making a sarcastic remark about the obvious choice of a favourite mug while he’s looking for it. He re-emerges a second later holding said stag mug and a Quidditch one for himself, placing both very decisively down on the table. Next he grabs the steaming teapot and carries it over as well, thankfully putting that one down a lot more carefully before he sits down opposite James.

James watches him warily, not entirely sure how to act around this emotionally very expressive Regulus, not yet quite recovered from Regulus commanding him around either. Regulus is snappy with him, sure, but this was different. This was very honest, and James isn’t used to it. This version of Regulus only breaks through under the comfort of his friends. Not James, though. James hasn’t been the recipient of this so far and (if he ignores the way it made his stomach flip hotly) it is a little ... disconcerting.

“Should we...” James clears his throat. Gestures towards the tea. “You know, speed the brewing process up with magic? Since you want to drink tea...”

Regulus rolls his eyes. “The tea is for you. And no, it only makes it taste bland if you do that. We can wait the couple minutes.”

James agrees with him on the taste, but at the same time he wishes he had that cuppa to give himself something to do other than nervously watch Regulus. He feels awfully like this is about to turn into some kind of intervention. He doesn’t like interventions when he is the one at its centre.

“I was with Barty and Evan,” Regulus continues at James’ shrug of agreement. “To answer your previous question. Which also means you really don’t have to worry about it at all, Evan hangs around our flat all the time so it’s not as if I’m losing out on some important bonding time I will never get back.”

James nods slowly. He wants to apologise again for pulling Regulus away from the comfort of his friends, regardless of whether or not Regulus sees it as a problem. But he knows it’s not what Regulus wants to hear, so instead he twists his feelings a little into a different sentence. “Thank you. For answering your phone so quickly. I was... a bit overwhelmed by it all and really didn’t know what to do and you just seemed like... the sensible solution. So I really appreciate ... this...” he ends lamely.

Regulus nods in acknowledgement. “Do you want to talk about what got you so overwhelmed?”

“Not really,” James admits. It’s all rather stupid anyway. “Just uni stuff, mostly.”

Regulus hums and watches the steam rise from the pot for a little while. When James doesn’t offer anything else he asks, “Sirius told you about the whole escaping home thing, right?”

James, not having expected this subject change in the least, blurts rather insensitively, “Yours or his?”

Regulus lets out a little laugh, a pretty noise hanging in the space between them for a second before he says, “Mine, mostly.”

“Oh. He’s not told much,” James answers the question. “I think he felt it wasn’t his to share.”

“It wasn’t. I honestly still thought he would have told you. I thought he shares every single thought he has with you.”

“Most of them.” James smiles fondly thinking of his best friend. “He gets most of mine, too, but we both still have some moral compass and keep things to ourselves that aren’t anyone’s business.” Like Regulus having run away a couple years after Sirius did. Like James having developed feelings for Regulus a couple months after that.

Regulus ponders that for a second, giving James a scrutinising look. “I studied to become a healer first.” That part James already knew. Lily had already started her own studies at St. Mungo’s when Regulus did, albeit in a different department of the hospital, so their paths only seldomly crossed. He had no idea why Regulus changed his course of study, but James had always assumed it had something to do with him leaving his parents’ place. Regulus confirms as much when he says, “I honestly had very little interest in medicine. Still don’t. But my parents insisted I learn something proper and magic fit for a pureblood of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.”

James lets out a little involuntary snort. “Yeah, I imagine they were proper thrilled about how society changed since they went to school. They must really love how higher education is entangled with Muggle education.”

“Oh, they’re delighted. Even most ministry jobs require you enrol in Muggle universities now, which pissed off my father specifically. I think if it still was the same as thirty years ago he would have had me start in his department for whatever family traditions he cares about.”

James can see that. When they were still younger and had no idea what a university even was, because it simply wasn’t something eleven-year-old kids had to think about, Sirius was convinced his parents would make him carry on the family legacy and force him to work in the International Office of Magical Law. He even once considered unlearning all the French he knew just so his parents would have more trouble getting him a job there, before he had to realise he had no idea how to forget a language he’s been speaking since he knew how to speak. In the end it was Peter who told them about how his own sister was studying economics in Durham, in a Muggle university, because even Gringotts liked seeing a more thorough theoretical education by that point. When they finally figured out what all the words meant Peter was dropping on them Sirius had decided that speaking French was no longer a problem because with Muggle educations being involved, he was sure he could somehow twist things in a way that convinced his parents to let him study something else. Of course, it had never been relevant when he ended up running away at sixteen, but with Regulus staying with his family for longer it made sense that an equivalent fate fell on him.

“St. Mungo’s still has some departments where you only need a magical education. There isn’t really much to learn from Muggles when it comes to curses, after all. So I started there. It was the easiest way to please them.”

James grimaces. Even now that Regulus hasn’t been in contact with his parents for several years he doesn’t like hearing him talk about them. It makes him feel awfully protective. Makes him want to steal both Black brothers and keep them safe all over again.

“I didn’t like what I was doing,” Regulus continues. “I didn’t enjoy it one bit. If I had to have studied there I would have preferred to do what Lily does now. At least I like potions. I’m good at them. But the Poison Department obviously requires you study potions which is a dual study with Muggle chemistry, so my parents were adamantly against that.”

He has no idea why Regulus is telling him any of this. Honestly, even if he knew the reason he’d be confused about it, because this is all a rather intense shift from what they usually talk about. (Quidditch and Sirius, mainly.) When they do talk, that is. Not that he’s complaining. He’d never say no to getting to learn more about Regulus. He’s just a bit wary about the reasoning behind it all.

Regulus turns his attention to his hands, twisting his rings, pulling them off his fingers only to slide them back on again. It drives James a little insane and he has to force himself to look away in an effort to concentrate on Regulus’ next words.

“Becoming a healer is really fucking difficult. You’re constantly studying and working part time at St. Mungo’s and the exams are absolutely brutal. So on top of not enjoying what I was working towards, I also got completely burned out trying to get there. I was constantly on the verge of a breakdown.” He hesitates, then adds, “Had several breakdowns.”

James winces. He’s starting to learn what that is like.

“I guess I should be a little thankful for it all, because if they hadn’t refused to support me and let me switch career paths I probably would have stayed with them a lot longer. This way, moving out, applying for lit and cutting contact with my parents was far easier to go through with.”

“Why didn’t you earlier?” James asks carefully.

“They’re rich, I’m not,” Regulus says simply. “Leaving without a degree, without any money and without a place to stay isn’t exactly an easy choice to make.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise...” James suddenly feels very self-conscious about the fact that he’s sitting in a flat he is essentially paying for with his parents’ money. He knows Walburga and Orion are terrible people, he just hasn’t quite internalised just how much his own parents are going out of their way in an effort to do good. Sometimes it’s easy to take love for granted when it’s all he’s ever known.

“At some point it still became the preferable option to staying there,” Regulus eventually frees him from his unease. “I was doing very badly and if it hadn’t been for Pandora sitting me down after one of my panic attacks and telling me I’m killing myself over studying and need to honestly re-evaluate what I want from life I don’t know if I’d have gotten through it alive at all.”

The words are brutally honest. There’s nothing nice about it, which is what makes the entire conversation feel more natural again. Makes James feel more comfortable with it again.

James chews on the inside of his bottom lip, weighing Regulus’ words carefully in his brain. “You’re being Pandora right now,” he says finally.

“I’m being Pandora right now.”

“But I’m not you.”

“I’d hope not. You’d be a sorry excuse for myself.”

“No, that’s not...” James runs a hand through his hair, trying to collect his thoughts. “I’m not going to die from this. My family is great, I have more than enough money to do what I want even if they weren’t. I don’t even hate what I study. Sure, if I didn’t have to sign up for some random degree and could only do Quidditch, I would, but I chose engineering. And it’s only part time anyway. My main thing is still training to play professionally, so even if I never get my degree it doesn’t really matter as long as I put in the effort for Quidditch and show them that I’m also serious enough about it to try for a degree. Which I do. This is what I’ve wanted to do for forever. So whatever comparisons you’re trying to draw here between you and me, they don’t really apply.”

Regulus lets out an exasperated sigh. “Do you really think I’d give you half my life story without having thought this through properly?”

James hesitates for a second. “’spose not,” he relents. “How’ve you thought this through then?”

“I’m not saying you’re in the exact same position as I was. That’s a bit impossible with you being you anyway.”

James isn’t entirely sure what that’s supposed to mean, or why Regulus rolls his eyes at him when he says it. It feels a little like a dig at his character, yet he can’t quite figure out why it would be.

“It’s not about the situation itself. It’s about the fact that I was clearly not in a good stage in my life and kept making it worse by staying there, and the only reason I got out of it at all was because I had someone I trusted to be there for me and help me find a way to deal with everything. You’re doing shit, and you’re making it worse by letting yourself sit in it, and you have people you trust who you should let help you.”

“I don’t need help,” James says automatically.

“Oh, really?”

James squeezes the bridge of his nose, pushing his glasses up to his forehead in the process. “Look, I’m not– I’m alright, okay? I’m currently just a bit more stressed than normal but that’ll pass in like a week and then I’ll be perfectly fine. There is no reason to tell Sirius about any of this and have him be worried for me and add to his stress by making him feel like he can’t lean on me and has to look out for me instead. I don’t need to make this more difficult for him than it already is.”

“No, of course not, you just have to make it more difficult for yourself instead,” Regulus says dryly.

“It’s a week,” James says again, “I’ll live.”

“A week and then what?”

“’til the current uni stuff is over. I’ll be fine.”

Regulus scrutinises him for a couple seconds, making James twitch uneasily. “Alright. Let’s consider your opinion for a second,” he says eventually, leaning back in his chair with crossed arms.

“That’s a new one...” James mutters, which goes completely ignored.

“So in a week you’ll be done with ... what caused this again?”

James grimaces. “I was just overreacting.” Regulus waits for the answer with a pointed look until James gives in. “I was trying to write a paper.”

“When did you start with it?”

What a weird fucking question. “Uh. Today?”

“Okay, so in a week you’ll have handed in your paper. Great. You’ll think that’ll magically make it stop? You’ve already had a panic attack two weeks ago, which clearly had nothing to do with this paper considering you hadn’t even started it then, so you really think that’ll fix it?”

“I don’t have panic attacks,” James says, completely bypassing everything else Regulus said.

Regulus looks like he wants to strangle James. His hands are even twitching, fingers flexing around his upper arms.

“I don’t panic,” James hurries to say, lifting his hands up in defence.

“So what was that you were doing earlier on the phone?”

“I was ... overreacting slightly to beings stressed.”

“Panicking.”

“Overreacting.”

“I am going to murder you.”

James gives Regulus his most charming grin and a little wink. “Please, go ahead, I’d love to get your hands on me.”

Regulus, already preparing to give some kind of retort, freezes with his mouth halfway into forming a word, his cheeks rapidly filling with blood.

“Sorry,” James hurries to say, “ignore me, do continue.” Flirting has always been some kind of coping or defence mechanism for him. If he gives the other person a well placed compliment or a little flirtatious remark, making it all about them, they’ll be too distracted to pay attention to just how bad James is doing. And on top of that, making them feel good makes him feel good, because at least he still manages to do that right, which means usually by the end of it there isn’t even any doing bad the other person could notice about James. It’s usually a brilliant instinct of his. He just never meant to make Regulus have to endure it, who currently looks like he would quite like to disappear. He’s still very red, staring at James startled with seemingly no idea how to continue the conversation. “Uh, tea?” James asks in an effort to save the moment, hoping the tea has had enough time to brew by now.

“Yes, please,” Regulus gives a jerky nod and slowly the colour is leaving his face again.

James grabs the teapot and fills both mugs, pushing one closer to Regulus and taking his own into his hands. Unfortunately it is far too hot to hold and he has to put it down again a second later, still having nothing to distract his hands with. He stares at the vapour coiling up from his mug for a couple seconds, convincing himself that the next words out of his mouth aren’t a mistake. “Okay so. Let’s say that... that you’re right. And that today and two weeks ago were, in fact, panic attacks.”

Regulus gives a derisive snort.

James glares at him. “If we assume that,” he continues, putting extra emphasis on the words. “We’re wizards, right? There’s gotta be some spell or– or some potion or something to deal with that.”

“Do you really think if that was the case I would have bothered with all of this–” Regulus motions between himself, the tea and James’ entire flat “–instead of referring you to the respective book or department at St. Mungo’s?”

James shrugs. “Maybe you just want to spend some extra time with me, let a guy hope...”

Regulus rolls his eyes. “Sure.”

James grimaces, his chest constricting his heart painfully. “Well maybe you just want to see me crying every now and then and revel in my misery then.”

“There’s no cure so far,” Regulus sighs, not bothering to deny that he enjoys seeing James a little miserable every so often. “Believe me, if there was I would know. But so far the wizarding world hasn’t deemed this important enough to fix yet. Or maybe it really is impossible, so all we can do is work with the typical Muggle ways of dealing with it.”

“Which are?”

“Talking about what’s causing the stress and finding a way to lessen it, mainly.”

“I don’t like that,” James declares.

“I don’t care,” Regulus says. “I also don’t like having to come here and make sure you’re breathing alright, but sometimes you just don’t get a choice.”

“You don’t have to–”

“So if you just told me what’s been going on,” Regulus talks over James’ attempt of telling him he is fine and will also be fine without Regulus’ help, “or better yet, told Sirius what’s been going on, we could work on fixing both of our problems.”

James doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t like the idea of being a problem for Regulus but admitting to his own problems is similarly terrible. It’s the entire reason he doesn’t want people to know he feels bad in the first place. He doesn’t want to drag them down with him.

When he gets too uncomfortable with the silence he picks up his mug and takes a sip of the still far too hot tea. Gives himself a second more to think. Finally forces out some words. “I can’t tell Sirius. I just can’t. Or any of the others, really. I don’t– I’m not...” he lets out a frustrated huff of air. “The thought alone makes me feel worse and I don’t want to do it. If Sirius currently wasn’t doing this awful I might tell him, if the situation was right. Though he would probably just figure it out by himself. But right now... I can’t do it. It’s not just for him, it’s really not, I’m not only thinking about doing everyone else a favour here. It’s also for me. I feel like if I tell them I’m currently not... dealing well... with stuff. They’d try to give me space or help me or whatever and that would just put the focus more on all the things I currently don’t have the capacity to deal with. I can’t deal with being coddled, I don’t like me not doing well being the focus of anyone’s caring, it genuinely makes me shrivel up it makes me so uncomfortable. I don’t see a way here where telling them I’m having– I’m–” he swallows, steeling himself for finally admitting to what Regulus has been trying to convince him of for over two weeks now, “–having panic attacks... I don’t see where that would help me. So I really can’t do it currently.”

“Did it make you uncomfortable when I sat with you in Sirius’ bathroom?”

“I–” James isn’t entirely sure how to reply to this. Yes, is his initial reply, immediately followed by a very insistent no. “I don’t like that you saw me like that,” he says slowly. “That makes me uncomfortable. But I didn’t tell you. And you’re not... I mean, you’re trying to help but it doesn’t feel– you’re not making me feel suffocated.” A beat of silence, then he adds, “I mean, I did text you today...”

Regulus watches him closely, scanning every inch of James’ face, taking in the way James has once again started nervously playing with the ring on his middle finger, the way he is avoiding looking Regulus in the eye. In the end he gives a small nod of acknowledgement. “Alright,” he says. Simple as that.

“Alright?”

“It’s your decision, ultimately. I’m not going to force you to do anything. If you don’t want to talk to my brother, you don’t want to talk to my brother. That’s up to you.” He lifts his mug up to his lips, blows the steam away, before setting it back down without having taken a single sip. “I’ve already seen you have a panic attack, I already know you’re doing shit, so you don’t have to pretend otherwise in front of me. So I’m going to ask you one last time if you want to tell me the reason for this–” he gives a vague wave towards James. “If you still don’t want to tell me, I will leave you alone about it. I’m not going to go out of my way to fix your problems. It’s up to you how you want to deal with that.”

James doesn’t have the heart to tell Regulus that he has already gone very much out of his way in an attempt to fix James’ problems. Sitting on a bathroom floor with him, rubbing his back... keeping James’ secrets safe... coming over in an instant to comfort him and make him tea... all that certainly qualifies for going out of his way.

James hates it. Hates talking about things that should so obviously be fine. But Regulus asked, and he is not making James feel like he might throw up, doesn’t try to handle him with silk gloves, he just ... asked. And he thinks it will help, thinks it will make James need him less afterwards, be less exhausting to be around, and therefore he is going to do his best to get it out.

“It’s– hm,” James starts, immediately failing. He rubs his hand across his face in an effort to make this next part easier. “It’s really not anything, it’s very stupid.” He can feel Regulus give him an incredulous, judging glare without having to look at him. “I mean it,” James insists. “I really am just stressed about uni. I’ve been more stressed in the past, I’ve never reacted like this, not even during my N.E.W.T.s, so I really don’t know why this is happening now. It’s just... well, there is the paper obviously, which I have to hand in until next Wednesday, and this is the first time since Hogwarts that I’ve had to write any kind of text so I have no idea how to go about it. Then there is this presentation that I have to prepare until Friday with someone I don’t know who refuses to answer my texts. And it’s the whole grade for the class, which would be fine if it was only my grade and a solo project ‘cause then I could just wing it, but I don’t want to be responsible for someone else doing shit. Or have them be the reason I fail the class.”

Regulus watches him with a neutral expression, not interrupting, just quietly sitting there cradling his cup of tea.

James has to blink rapidly to stop his eyes from filling up with too many tears. “And on top of that,” he continues, his voice a little more shaky now, “I have that pretty important game on Sunday that will be somewhat crucial for getting a secure position, so I still have to go to all of the team trainings on top of my usual ones and also my job. And like, I love getting to jump in for players when needed but getting signed properly full time with a team, especially when that team could be the Catapults is kind of important to me. And also kind of needed if I don’t want to actually be forced to do well with engineering.” James presses his fingers to his eyes, already feeling a headache coming. “And you know, all of that is really not helped with Sirius’ entire situation. I don’t want to sound like I blame him, because obviously I don’t,” he adds hastily, even though Regulus hasn’t made any indication he might think so. “It’s just that I need him and we haven’t hung out properly just the two of us for fun in so long and I miss him. And he needs me to be there for him at the moment because fucking hell, look at him, he’s absolutely miserable, and I want to be that support for him so badly, but my brain is just so full at the moment and I don’t know– I don’t know what to do...” he chokes out.

Another wave of silence washes over James, a pause in which Regulus gives him the option to keep talking. When James doesn’t, he says, “That doesn’t sound like not anything or very stupid at all. I think you have every reason to be stressed out about these things, I mean it is your future on the line...”

“Wow, thanks,” James says with a sarcastic smile. “That really makes me feel better.” Strangely enough, he realises, it actually does. He hadn’t realised just how much all these things were weighing on him, and even less how objectively intense they sounded when said out loud until he listed them all just now. And Regulus didn’t sugar coat it. Didn’t try to make him feel better about any of it. He very bluntly stated just how shit the situation actually is.

“Thanks,” he says again, more genuinely this time, because he needs Regulus to know that he appreciates him.

“You should talk to Sirius,” Regulus says then, without acknowledging the thanks. He immediately holds up a hand when James opens his mouth to argue and continues, “Not for telling him about your panic attacks, you’ve made it pretty clear you don’t want to do that. But you said yourself, you need to see him again, so just do that. I’m a little sick of seeing you two mope around because you’re not getting your stupid co-dependency quota filled.”

“I– Yeah, I guess...” James lets the idea sway around in his brain for a moment. “Yeah, I think I’ll ask him if he wants to grab dinner tomorrow or something...”

Regulus nods, pleased with finally having convinced James to reach out, in one way or another.

“Speaking of,” James adds. “It’s basically dinner time. Care to join me? I feel like I owe you that much at least for coming over and all that.”

The carefully distanced expression Regulus had put on during their conversation gets startled off his face and he is left looking at James with huge eyes. It is frankly very cute and James has to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from blurting as much out.

“You don’t owe me, it’s fine,” Regulus says flushing ever so slightly.

James gives him a crooked smile. “Then see it as me wanting to thank you and also genuinely enjoying the company. If you don’t have any other plans, that is.”

Regulus looks like he wants to decline, and James already steels himself for the pang of disappointment at his words, when instead he asks, “What did you have in mind?

 

—

 

James is overworked and needs a break. That’s the only thing Regulus can allow himself to focus on, because if he focusses on anything else he might actually lose his mind. What has his life come to? What has he done to deserve this? (He is still not entirely sure if it is punishment or reward he is receiving here. Not even sure if there is a difference at this point.)

His mind keeps wandering to the conversation he’s just had. Never in his life did Regulus expect he’d ever tell all of that to James Potter. It wasn’t as if he had planned for it. Sure, he might have told James there was a point he was trying to make with it (and he did, in the end, it worked), but did he plan to spill his entire miserable life story? Absolutely not. There was just something about ... still is something about James that compels him to be a little more honest than Regulus would prefer. Distance and lies are his armour, but James makes him want to lay down his defences. It is annoying.

The panic from earlier has sufficiently disappeared and now James is humming while he floats through his kitchen, picking up spices and stirring the food and it is getting increasingly more difficult for Regulus to focus on the safe aspects of James. Because he looks good and the food smells fucking fantastic and Regulus, whose help got turned down almost immediately, is left with doing nothing but watching James, whose arse is unfortunately perfectly on eye level with Regulus.

James is overworked. James is stressed. He needs a break, and a distraction, and that’s the only reason why Regulus is here. James needs a break and he is a chronically welcoming person, so him asking Regulus to stay for dinner has nothing to do with Regulus because James would do the same for literally anyone.

It’s getting increasingly more difficult to ignore the constant hum of feelings he’s gotten so used to over the years. James is making him want again, which is something that hasn’t happened in so long Regulus barely remembers the feeling at all. Until it now comes crushing down around him again.

It’s something he cannot let himself get swept up in too much. The last time he let it the heartbreak from it was excruciating, only made so much worse when he didn’t only not get what he wanted, but also lost what he thought he’d always have. Although, he supposes, this time round he at least won’t have to fear that Sirius will abandon him again.

Regulus keeps himself calm during dinner. Enjoys the food (which is genuinely too good for something James simply created with so little visible effort), listens to James tell him about his last Quidditch training, and gives input on certain moves and players when James asks for his opinion. It’s nice. A little too nice, really. Which is why after they’ve finished eating he immediately offers to help cleaning up (James declines, obviously, because he’s James), making it obvious that he is not intending to stay any longer.

He needs to get James out of his system. Needs to get rid of this want before he does something stupid, like get false hopes again before inevitably letting his own heart be broken once more. So he does the one thing he’s gotten good at. The one thing that effectively helps him ignore feelings, muting them back down to a bearable, if still frustrating hum.

 

Maxwell is happy about the text Regulus sends, immediately agreeing to have him over. Regulus is eagerly on him the second he’s being led into the flat. Less eager for his partner, and more so because he longs to put the image of James contently humming and cooking for Regulus out of his mind. And Maxwell, luckily, is more than eager to help him with it.

“Stay,” he says afterwards.

Regulus doesn’t often. He is here for the sex, not for softness afterwards. It’s the fact that his climax still hangs heavily in his bones, and the knowledge that when he came it wasn’t Maxwell he was thinking of that makes him agree to it.

He can’t start doing this again. Start actively pining after James again just because he looks pretty when he’s crying, makes excellent pasta and has a nice arse. He cannot.

So instead he rolls over in Maxwell’s bed, curls up, and lets the other man spoon him until he falls asleep.

The next morning he wakes up with an arm possessively slung around his waist and a half-hard dick pressing into his ass. One of those is a lot more welcome than the other.

This time round, not thinking of James is a lot easier than the previous night. Which Regulus, obviously, doesn’t even think about, until Max hums afterwards, “That was really nice. You seemed a bit distracted yesterday, what happened?”

Regulus immediately closes off. “Nothing,” he says colder than Max expects by the way he flinches slightly.

“Are you sure?” he asks despite Regulus’ obvious dismissal. “You were very... active yet unfocussed last night, so I feel like something must be going on. You know you can tell me whatever it is, right?”

“Yeah, well, I don’t want to,” Regulus snaps.

“I won’t judge...”

He apparently also won’t fucking drop it. “It’s none of your business.”

“Don’t you think it should be?”

“And why the fuck would that be?”

Max goes quiet for a little while, a sheepish look crossing his features before he squares up and says, “We’ve been seeing each other for months, I feel like at this point–”

Regulus pushes the covers back, getting up abruptly. “No.”

“What?” Max startles.

“I have not been seeing you, I have been here to fuck you, that is all.”

“You’ve met my friends...”

“Because we went to the pub that one time when I was still studying curses with you. That had nothing to do with us. There wasn’t even an us at that point. We’ve agreed from the beginning that this is just hooking up. It’s not exclusive or anything.” He is collecting his clothes off the floor, putting them on brusquely while Max is still sitting in bed, watching him helplessly.

“I don’t want you to see other people.”

The possessiveness of that sentence sends a shiver down Regulus’ spine. It’s not a good one.

“I don’t really care,” Regulus snaps.

“I want this to be more than just hookups,” Max still insists. Regulus has to give it to him, at least he knows what he wants and tries to get it. Maybe he has a bit of a type there.

“I don’t,” Regulus says. “And I don’t think I want this to be hookups any longer either.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not going to keep having sex with you if you have expectations for more during it. I’m not doing that.” He pulls his shirt over his head and then he is properly dressed. A mess, because he hasn’t actually showered yet, but dressed nonetheless.

“No, Reg, don’t– wait, we can talk about this.”

“I don’t think so.” Regulus checks his pockets for his keys and phone, then turns back to Max. “I did have a lot of fun with you, but I’m ending this now.”

“Can’t you just forget all the stuff I just said? I don’t want you to leave.”

Regulus only shakes his head. It’s not like he would have liked to leave either. Maxwell is just kind of forcing his hand here. “I’ll see you around Max,” he says. He doubts he will. He’ll avoid him as best he can. “I’ll let myself out.”

Maxwell at least has the decency not to follow him in an attempt to change his mind.

 

The whole way home Regulus is seething. It isn’t Maxwell’s fault for catching feelings. Regulus of all people would know that that’s not exactly something you choose. But why did he have to go and try to change their arrangement because of it? He doesn’t want to sleep with someone who is needy and restrictive and attaches strings where there shouldn’t be any. Not when he doesn’t feel the same.

Which doesn’t mean that he isn’t very much upset about ending it, though. He liked sleeping with Max. It was good. Not just a distraction he needed, but genuinely excellent sex and pleasant company. He’s not exactly looking forward to having to look for a new person to regularly hook up with. And honestly, this couldn’t have possibly come at a worse time. Of course it’s just Regulus’ luck that he loses his hookup partner just when his feelings for James are resurfacing due to an increasingly more irritating amount of time spent together. It feels like the universe is playing some cruel joke on Regulus whenever James Potter is involved.

“You look cheerful,” Barty greets him through a mouthful of cereal when Regulus unlocks the door to their flat.

“It’s cause I’m ecstatic,” Regulus replies dryly.

“You also look like you’ve just tumbled out of someone’s bed and haven’t had the chance to shower yet.”

“Might be because that’s exactly what happened.”

“Why? Is Potter’s shower broken?”

“Barnett’s. And no, it’s not broken.”

“Barnett?” Barty asks confused.

“Maxwell. The guy I’ve been hooking up with for the past couple months?” Regulus can't believe he still has to remmind Barty of who that is. At least that'll now have an end. Small vectories, and all... 

“What has he to do with anything? Didn’t you skip on us yesterday because you went to see James?”

“I did. He made dinner and then I left and went to see Max.” Regulus kicks off his shoes, then eyes both Barty and the door to the bathroom assessingly. He just wants to take a shower.

Barty scoops another spoonful of cereal into his mouth, chewing slowly while he watches Regulus. “You do realise how unbelievable that sounds, right? You know you skipped horror night by literally running out of our flat the second James called. And you’re telling me that was just to get some dinner? When you come home the next morning, clearly having gotten fucked?”

Regulus considers abandoning the conversation in favour of immediately going to go shower. Both because he feels incredibly gross and also because he doesn’t really want to have this conversation at all. But if Barty also ends up being convinced that Regulus is sleeping with James? He might actually die from frustration.

“You just gotta believe me,” Regulus sighs. “I didn’t fuck James. I don’t see that happening anytime soon, or ever, considering the interest he’s decisively not showing in me. I stayed at Maxwell’s last night. Which is also not going to happen again anytime soon, or ever. Twat decided to catch feelings for me so I broke it off.”

“Ouch, harsh,” Barty laughs.

“I’m at least as disappointed as he is. I’m going to miss his dick.”

“You know, you could try to have another relationship...”

“I know,” Regulus huffs. “I’m not opposed to it. Just not with him.”

Barty shrugs. “Fair enough.” Another spoonful of cereal. Then, “So what were you doing at Potter’s?”

“None of your business,” Regulus says shortly.

“That sure is going to quiet the rumours down...”

“What would quiet the rumours down is if you stopped talking about it.”

Barty grins wolfishly. “Oh but Reggie, you make it so very fun.”

“Whatever,” Regulus says with all the indifference he doesn’t feel. “I’m going to take a shower. Enjoy your soggy cereal.”

“Oh, before I forget,” Barty calls and it is the sudden soberness in his voice that makes Regulus halt in his exit. “We got a letter from our landlord. It’s in the kitchen. He’s increasing our rent again.”

“Fucking fantastic,” Regulus groans. That’s the last thing he needed on top of everything else. “Guess I’m going to have to talk to Sirius again.”

 

—

 

James talks to Sirius as Regulus had made him promise and miraculously actually manages to convince him to a dinner together the next day after work.

“Thank Merlin you’re here, I was so close to setting myself on fire,” Sirius mutters when he spots James coming up the driveway to his shop. He picks up his bag with his work clothes and slings it over his shoulder before wrapping James in a hug.

“Good to see you.” James presses his face into Sirius’ neck, breathing in the faint lingering smell of engine oil mixing with the familiar scent of his best friend. “You didn’t say you’d finish early today, I fully expected to hang around for another fifteen minutes...”

“Yeah, well, things change,” Sirius says bitterly.

James gives another tight squeeze. “Ready to go?” he asks cheerily, needing that pitiful version of his best friend to disappear. It’s tearing at his own heart, that lack of mischief and mirth in Sirius’ entire demeanour.

“Merlin, so very much,” Sirius breathes out. He pulls away from James and turns back towards the shop, calling “Have a nice evening, see you tomorrow,” through the open garage door.

“Don’t even try to kiss arse now, boy,” comes the rough reply back.

Sirius raises his middle finger at the back of his boss, then grabs James’ hand and pulls him towards the street, muttering, “I fucking hate him.”

“Same,” James agrees even though he’s never had to talk to the man himself. The little bits he’s seen of Sirius’ boss have already solidified his opinion more than enough. “How’s the job hunting going then?”

Sirius groans. “Don’t remind me. I’m so ready to be done with it. If I’m lucky I’m gonna have an interview next week which I’m pretty hopeful for, the people seemed really nice, it’s just the other side of the city so I might have to look into a floo connection or apparition place nearby because I’m not sure if I’m up for an hour of taking the tube twice a day. But that’s stuff to worry about once it happens. Where are we getting food?” he quickly changes the subject.

On their way to the restaurant James picked out they talk a bit more about Sirius’ day and the way his boss had purposefully tried to sabotage Sirius’ work to have an excuse to finally sack him. “I expected it, of course. Since that time when he changed the labels on my glue and oil bottle I’m checking everything at least twice before using it, so I caught it in time but I’m just so exhausted from it all.”

“You know, you could just quit now and have a month or so of no work. That’d be okay.”

“I need the money, you know that, my savings only get me so far for paying for mine and Reggie’s rent.” James knows it had taken a lot of convincing for Regulus to let Sirius cover his rent. In the end it was the fact that Regulus had no way of arguing why Sirius should get to inherit their uncle’s money while Regulus had to leave home with nothing to his name that made him agree. Of course, savings only go so far so staying out of work isn’t a forever option.

“You know I’d cover for you if it eventually got too tight,” James says, not for the first time.

“You know I don’t want that,” Sirius replies as usual. “I know you’re happy to help out but your family has done that for the past ten years of my life, I need to do that for myself now.”

James understands that. He really does. It doesn’t mean he has to like it. “I still think with a boss like Gordon you have every right to accept my help for a little while in between. Doesn’t have to be forever, just until you get a better job and you and Reg can keep paying rent.”

Sirius wraps his arm around James’ shoulder as he walks, pulling him close. “Thank you, Prongs, really. If things keep sucking in the next couple weeks and I don’t find a new place that’ll take me I’ll consider it, but for now it is a no.” He reaches up to ruffle James’ hair, then continues, “Anyway, speaking of Reggie! I hear you had a dinner date with him? How was it? Why’d you keep that information from me, what happened to the Prongsfoot Code of No Secrecy?”

What James does next can only be described as spluttering. “I– what? No. What? Who told you we had a date?”

Sirius laughs. “Marls, obviously.”

“Why does Marls know about that?” Too late James realises that he practically just confirmed he had a date with Regulus. Sirius grins at the revelation.

“Dorcas told her, who heard about it from Barty, who apparently was in the room when you called Regulus rather needily prompting him to immediately leap from his seat to run to you. What’s going on with you two?”

“Nothing,” James says a little too quickly.

Sirius raises his eyebrow at him in disbelief.

James nervously pulls away from his best friend. He is so incredibly bad at lying to Sirius, which is not made easier by the fact that Sirius can accurately interpret every single one of James’ muscles tensing. So getting a little distance between them is the safest way for James to not immediately spill everything. “He was just over for talking and tea and then I offered he could stay for dinner, nothing more.”

Sirius snorts disbelievingly. “Sure.”

“I’m not lying!” James says truthfully. It is what happened. It wasn’t a date, no matter how much James wishes it was. He made pasta, they talked a little more about Quidditch, and then Regulus left, taking James’ promise that he would talk to Sirius. All of that, of course, after James had another breakdown.

“You want me to believe that after barely talking to Regulus for years you two suddenly decided to have casual dinner conversations at your place?”

“Yes,” James says defiantly.

“And that there is nothing deeper going on with you two?”

“Yes,” James says again, more insistently.

Sirius looks at him, searching for the truth in James’ face. James refuses to look him in the eye, too scared Sirius might somehow find about his feelings for Regulus, or worse yet, the fact he’s been helping him with panic attacks.

“What did you talk about then?”

“We, uh...” James tries tentatively, in the end deciding to go at least with parts of the truth. “I got a bit nervous about my match on Sunday and knew you were busy. I asked Regulus and he was free and I talked some moves over with him.”

“You wanted to talk Quidditch and your first thought wasn’t Marlene? Who not only plays in the same position as you but also, might I add, is literally your co-worker in a Quidditch related job you do weekly?”

“Nothing against Marls but she is awful with pep talks.”

Sirius actually laughs then, and it makes James’ heart soar. If his awkward half-truths have this effect on his best friend, he simply cannot be mad at any of the things that caused them to be necessary. “And my brother isn’t? Come off it, Prongs,” Sirius snorts.

“He isn’t!” James immediately jumps to Regulus’ defence. “Sure, he is a bit blunt about it but it helps.”

While coming down from his giggle fits Sirius gives him another one of those looks, before walking into the restaurant through the door James is holding open for him.

James is spared from more questions for a handful of minutes in which they choose a table to sit and food to eat, but when the waiter’s placed their drinks in front of them, Sirius picks up the conversation again.

“So you’re not dating my brother?”

James shakes his head.

“No hooking up with him?”

“Who do you think I am?”

“And asking him about Quidditch isn’t some kind of long game of getting into his pants?”

James snorts. “As if that would work on Regulus.”

“That is so not an answer to my question,” Sirius mumbles, giving James a knowing look that has him wholly unsettled and trying desperately to keep the blush creeping up his neck from showing up on his face. “Well, if you ever figure out your feelings–”

James kicks Sirius’ shin under the table, interrupting him immediately. “Sod off, I don’t need to figure out my feelings.”

“Fuck you,” Sirius groans, reaching down to rub the attacked spot on his leg. “You’ve already figured them out then? Congrats, now you just have to admit to them as well.”

“There is nothing to admit to,” James says indignantly. “I mean, what about you and Moony?”

Sirius looks up startled, his ears pink. “What about me and Moony?”

In all fairness, that move was a little unfair on James’ side. He sucks at lying to Sirius, alright? There most certainly are feelings to admit to, just none that should me admitted to right now or to Sirius. And twisting the conversation around to be on Sirius instead, yeah, that is a bit of a dirty move, but James is a little desperate right now. “When are you going to admit to yourself and him that you’re being very serious about that relationship and want to move in with him?”

“I’m always being very Sirius about all things,” Sirius deflects.

James rolls his eyes. At some point during the last ten years the joke has gotten somewhat old. “Did you change your mind about Remus? Is that what this is?”

“Of course not!” Sirius looks at him affronted. It’s exactly what James had intended, the easiest way to get him talking: imply that Sirius isn’t head over heels in love with his boyfriend. “It just... It feels too soon, and I don’t know if Remus would even want it.”

“Too soon. Mate, please, You’ve been dating for ages. There’s no way this is too soon. And besides, you know you two are good at living together, you’ve done so all throughout school and you’re staying at each other’s place practically every night now anyway.”

“Yeah, well, the last time we lived in the same room while dating I almost ruined his life by nearly getting someone killed, we didn’t speak for several months, broke up, and it took us another four years to start dating again, so my confidence in this working out is a little battered...”

“This is what this is about?” James asks. He would laugh if Sirius wasn’t concerningly eyeing the wine bottle between them right now. In a gentler tone he continues, “You’ve learned from your mistakes. You’re an adult now, you have an adult job and an adult brain that can make adult decisions. You know that and Moony knows that too. If he still had doubts about you and about what happened in fifth I don’t think you two would be together in the first place, so your own doubts are not very reasonable.”

“Aren’t you supposed to validate my feelings or something?” Sirius asks with a grin, though no confidence shining through his voice.

“Not when they’re stupid. When they’re stupid I’m supposed to invalidate them. So I’m invalidating them right now.”

Sirius pushes his lower lip forward in a pout, half-heartedly glaring at James.

“You need to trust Remus enough that you can let him make his own decisions, and if his decisions are that he wants to grow past fifth with you, then you’re allowed to let yourself have that happiness.”

Sirius stays silent.

James gives him a moment to process before he asks, “Have you talked to Remus about this? Any part of it? The fears and the general idea of moving in together and all that?”

Sirius shrugs, which is a pretty clear indicator for a no.

“Well, do it,” James instructs. (The voice in the back of his head sounding eerily like Regulus telling him that he should talk to Sirius as well he happily ignores.) “I mean, you want to move in with him, right?” James suddenly thinks to add.

“I do,” Sirius sighs. “Very much so.” He rubs his eyes, then gives James’ foot under the table a gentle nudge. “You’re right. I know you are. And I will talk to Moons about it, but that’ll have to wait until after I get a new job. I need a stable source of income before I can think about moving in with my boyfriend anyway.”

A little laugh escapes James at that. “Merlin, when have we started sounding like such adults? This is a disgrace to the Marauders’ name, honestly.”

Sirius snorts. “Sixteen-years old us would clutch their chests in horror at our worries.”

“And lack of mischief,” James adds.

“And lack of mischief!” Sirius confirms. “Although I am also clutching my chest in horror at the lack of mischief the general adult life offers,” Sirius adds and then does just that, throwing his hand to his chest and gasping dramatically, making the young couple at the table next to theirs eye them with interest.

“You’re terrible,” James laughs.

“Are you not aghast, Prongs?” Sirius asks theatrically. “What happened to our solemn vow of being up to no good? Promised to be Marauders forever, yet there is no maraudering to be found!”

A fit of giggles befalls James, having him wheezing for air as he tries to put out a coherent sentence. “Imagine– Merlin, imagine playing that water balloon prank we did in fourth on Gordon.”

“Fuck, yes.” Sirius sits up straight, his eyes huge. “Prongs, please, I’m begging you, let us do that, it would be perfect.”

James, still giggling at the image of a dozen self-reconstructing water balloons following Sirius’ awful boss around, puts a placating hand on top of Sirius’ on the table. “I’d love to, really, I would, but that’s a bit much magic used to harm a Muggle...” he says lowering his voice.

“It’s not harming, it’s just an innocent little prank,” Sirius pleads.

“I hate to prove you right and be even more adult about this, but as much as this pains me, we really can’t.” He fights with himself for a second but ultimately loses. “I’m sure we can come up with a prank without magic, though. Just a little one. As a parting gift once you have a new job.”

Just for the pure joy in Sirius’ eyes at those words James knows any kind of pranking, magic or Muggle, would be worth it.

“I love you,” Sirius swears. “I love you, so much. Have I ever told you that you’re my absolute favourite person in the whole entire world? Because you are.”

“Don’t let Moony hear that,” James grins. “Not the favourite person part, everyone should know that. Just ... maybe not the prank part? I don’t want him to be mad at me for suggesting it.”

“Ahh, fuck it Prongs, if we’re doing this we’re getting the band properly back together. Moony hates Gordon probably even more than I do, he would gladly join in. And you know Wormtail is always up for anything fun. The world thought it’s done with Marauders mischief, but we will never be done with the world!”

A wave of love for his best friend washes over James as he fondly watches him talk about how they should go about planning their return to pranking, gesticulating wildly along the ever more concerning growing ideas.

This is what he had missed so much. This is what he needed. This is what could have fixed him from the start. If he can keep having Sirius like this, there won’t be a need to call Regulus again. No more need for secrets and sobbing. With Sirius looking at him with stars in his eyes James will finally be able to go back to pining and panicking in quiet.

Notes:

yeah so when i wrote this i realised i had no idea how getting into professional sports actually worked and the internet was surprisingly unhelpful. then i realised this is a world with magic so it doesnt actually matter and i can just make up my own rules. same goes for several other things as well btw, i am very much making up my own rules as i go. (like fucking around with their ages. going off athlete timelines they should be a lot younger than they are in my head, but like. wizards to live longer than muggles, so it would make sense that their prime time is also later/longer.)
im trying to make everything make as much sense as possible but i am struggling here and there pls bear with me

also fun fact on the side, when i first had the idea for this fic i wanted to make it a cute little 4+1 thing of like >10k words. that sure worked out great lmao

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Chapter 3: Just a Shot Away From You

Notes:

link to the playlist for this fic

this chapter's title is from Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand

Regulus absolutely hates having to think about money. Even more he hates having to rely on other people for it. Most of all when those other people are his own brother.

“Hi Reg, what’s up?” Sirius picks up the call and greets cheerily. He doesn’t sound at all like the ball of stress James has made him out to be, although Regulus knows his brother well enough to be able to make out the layer of pretence dusting his voice.

“Does right now work for you?” Regulus asks, despite the fact that his brother clearly picked up.

“Yeah, sure, I just got off work so your timing is impeccable.”

It better be. Sirius’ work schedule is perfectly ingrained into Regulus’ brain.

Regulus forgets to reply for long enough that when Sirius speaks again there is a hint of worry shining through. “What’s going on? Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m good, sorry. We got mail from our landlord yesterday–”

“Ah,” Sirius interrupts in recognition. “A rent increase again? Is he even allowed to do that?”

“Unfortunately,” Regulus grinds out. “He very helpfully broke the rules down in the letter he sent, we don’t have any rights to appeal it, I already went over it twice...”

“Fuck,” Sirius mutters and he sounds so incredibly tired. “How much is it?”

“It’s about thirty-two bucks more a month for each of us...”

“Fucking hell, what’s wrong with him?”

“Capitalism,” Regulus says weakly.

“Fucking hate capitalism,” Sirius mutters.

Regulus hesitates. He doesn’t like any part of this conversation. Doesn’t like that he has to be conscious about this now. But it needs to be talked about, so he gives himself a nudge and asks, “Is it still okay with Alphard’s money? You know I can–”

“You’re not going to stop spending your money on groceries to pay for rent, Reg,” Sirius interrupts before Regulus even gets the chance to suggest something along those lines. “I told you to focus on your studies, and making that more difficult on yourself by getting another job just to pay for rent when I have the means to do this is not necessary. I got this covered, it’s fine.”

“You’re sure?” Regulus asks uncertain.

“I’m sure. It’s fine. You literally have exam season, I don’t need you to get distracted with working and then fail all your exams, that’s decisively going to be less helpful. I want you to get this degree as well.”

“I’m not going to fail my exams. Besides, it’s mostly papers anyway.”

“Which you need time to write. So. Just send me a photo of the letter please and I’ll change the payment plan. And you stop worrying about it.”

“Thank you,” Regulus says earnestly. He honestly wouldn’t know where he’d be without Sirius. Or well, Alphard’s generous inheritance. Although that is very much just Sirius’ money now, so the thanks once again goes to him. Regulus has his little editing job for one of his professors, and the university actually pays quite well, but it still barely covers more than just groceries and a little extra on the side. Living is a lot more expensive than Regulus had expected when he first left Grimmauld Place.

It honestly fucking sucks.

“No problem, Reggie,” Sirius says. And then he has to break the fragile calm Regulus is feeling by adding completely sincerely, “I’m proud of you for telling me straight away, I hope you know that. You’re doing really good.”

It makes Regulus’ throat close up a little. His first instinct is to tell Sirius to shut up. To just hang up the phone and ignore that this, this is making him break down a little for never having learned what do with these kinds of words. For his younger self who needed them so badly and never got them. But he is doing really good these days, most of the time, and he wants Sirius to know that. So he swallows around the lump in his throat and says, “You make it easier.”

Sirius’ grin is audible through the phone. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Regulus says back. And because he is still himself, he adds, “I’m going to hang up now, I need to call Dorcas to talk to someone who is not insufferable for a change.”

Sirius laughs completely unbothered, until Regulus does end the call.

 

“So, what happened that you’ve asked me to go out with you?” Dorcas asks, swirling the drink she’s already ordered around in her glass when Regulus joins her at the bar.

“Just fancied a drink,” Regulus says casually.

Dorcas snorts. “Yeah, sure, because you like showing up hungover for your eight a.m. classes.”

Regulus makes himself comfortable on a bar stool and sighs. “Just had a phone call with Sirius about rent.”

“Did it not go well?”

“No, it did, he’s so damn nice about it. It’s just making me feel a bit guilty. He’s not my paren–”

“Yeah I better fucking hope not, they sucked.”

“What I’m saying is he shouldn’t feel like he owes me anything, because he doesn’t. I’m an adult, I should be able to pay for living myself.”

“Yes, well, you didn’t inherit mountains of Gringott’s gold, so I think it’s only fair that Sirius shares with you. Besides, the less you have to do next to your studies the sooner you’ll actually get your degree and the sooner you’ll get a proper job that won’t require Sirius’ support anymore.”

“If I get a job with my degree at all,” Regulus mutters. Truth be told he questions why he went for a literature degree more often than not these days. There are not exactly promising job opportunities waiting for him.

“You’ll be fine,” Dorcas assures him. “And stop being such a Hufflepuff about this. Sirius offered to do this, it certainly makes your life easier, so just accept the money. If you had left your family first I’m sure you’d have been the one in your uncle’s will, so I don’t see a reason why you shouldn’t get half of the money anyway.”

Dorcas is right, and Regulus has assured himself a million times over this as well. It still won’t let him settle fully. He doesn’t like owing people, and he doesn’t like depending on people, and as much as he loves his brother currently he very much depends on him and feels like he owes him a lot. He doesn’t want to compare Sirius to his parents, because he’s nothing like them, but at the end of the day he doesn’t feel much more independent than he did when he was still living at Grimmauld Place.

Dorcas sighs, gives a sign to the bartender, who promptly places a drink in front of Regulus. “Cheers,” she says commandingly.

“Cheers,” Regulus says, both as a thank you and to clink their glasses properly together. He takes a sip of whatever Dorcas saw fit for him today and grimaces. “Dragon Spit, really? Of all the things to start with, this is what you came up with?”

She just laughs rather evilly. “Don’t complain about the free drinks you’re getting.”

Regulus rolls his eyes, but wisely shuts up. It’s a vile drink mostly consisting of Firewhiskey and tequila, and Dorcas knows it’s very far down the list of what Regulus would usually go for, but it leaves very little room in his body to worry about his brother since he is rather preoccupied with his insides catching on fire.

“Marls asked if she could join us, by the way. I told her I’d check with you first, obviously, I’ll tell her no if you want to have an existential crisis tonight.”

“No, it’s fine, invite your girlfriend along if you want to.” It’ll certainly make him more likely to go scouting for someone to replace Maxwell.

While Dorcas taps away on her phone Regulus lets his eyes wander over the people in the room. The Modern Mage is packed for a Tuesday night, though it’s clear that most people here are students, and most of them don’t have a perception of time anyway. Lucky for Regulus. That’ll definitely up his chances of finding someone to hook up with. Or at least to buy him another drink.

 

Marlene shows up barely ten minutes later. Regulus wonders if she’s just been sitting at home, impatiently waiting for Dorcas to text her. Honestly, Regulus can imagine that a little too well.

“What, no double date?” Marlene asks teasingly, looking Regulus up and down the moment she joins them.

“Double date with you sounds dreadful,” Regulus says dryly.

“Yeah, understandable, we’re just too perfect, we’d make anyone else feel inferior about their relationship.”

“I wouldn’t want to date you or Dorcas, I don’t see what I should be jealous of there.”

“Mhm, sure sure,” Marlene says and has the audacity to ruffle Regulus’ hair.

“If you do that again I will forget that you’re Dorcas’ girlfriend and will stab you with this cocktail umbrella,” Regulus huffs, pointedly taking said umbrella out of his glass, folding it up and setting it down on the bar.

“Very adorable, I see why James likes you,” Marlene grins.

The cocktail umbrella is looking more inviting by the second.

Dorcas seems to catch that drift as well as she grabs Marlene’s hand and, with a side glance for Regulus pulls her girlfriend to the dance floor, leaving Regulus alone with his half empty drink.

“Leaving your girlfriend to go dancing all by herself?”

Regulus looks up to see a vaguely familiar looking man about his age slide into the seat Dorcas just abandoned.

“Not my girlfriend,” Regulus says. He gives the man a slow measuring look up and down. He is rather handsome, Regulus notes, and by the way he is tilting his head, mustering Regulus, also decently interested in him. This could work.

“Pretty girl like her? Seems like she’d make a fine match for you.”

“She’s taken,” Regulus says, sitting up straighter, bracing his arms on the bar, very conveniently in a way that arches his back ever so slightly, making his shirt ride up the tiniest bit. “And I’m gay,” he adds with a smirk at the way his pose instantly works perfectly, drawing the man’s eyes down to his midriff.

“Bertie,” the man introduces himself with a grin then. “And you’re Sirius Black’s sibling, right?”

Well, that instantly made him a lot less attractive to Regulus. He thought the days he was known as Sirius’ younger brother were long behind him, but his brother’s reputation was apparently not confined to his Hogwarts years at all.

Regulus gives a terse nod. “Regulus,” he gives his preferred introduction. “I take it you went to Hogwarts then?”

Bertie nods.

“I don’t remember a Bertie.”

“Bertram Aubrey,” Bertie re-introduces himself. “I had the misfortune of having been in your brother’s year. Ravenclaw.”

“Misfortune?”

“No offence, Regulus, but your brother was an arsehole. Once hexed me unprompted with some illegal bullshit that got me in the infirmary for several days.”

Regulus can’t deny Sirius was an arsehole in school, but he doubts what Bertram describes was wholly unprompted. He chooses to play along though; his brother’s school days are a rather sore subject for Regulus anyway. “That at least explains why he left such a lasting memory of himself that you felt the need to address me as his brother.”

Bertram laughs at that. “You’re funny,” he says, even though what Regulus said hadn’t been funny at all. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“Please,” Regulus says. “My friend left me here with Dragon Spit, so as long as you choose me something better than that my company is yours.”

Bertram studies him for a couple seconds, before waving the bartender over and giving him his order. Regulus does have to give it to him, the guy knows what a good drink is. When Regulus ends up with a Sweet Grim in front of him he considers that maybe Bertram isn’t too bad a catch at all. When he turns back to face him, Regulus does his best performance of looking up at him through his lashes while sucking suggestively on his straw. As predicted, it works perfectly.

“So, Regulus,” Bertram hums, casually touching the side of Regulus’ thigh. “What’s a man to do to get to invite you over to his place?”

Regulus pretends to mull this over for a second. “I’d say buying me a drink is a good start.”

Bertram grins.

Regulus gives a rather ridiculous flutter of his eyelashes, that somehow still always lands well as a flirting tactic. “Unfortunately I’m unavailable tonight, though. I have a lecture first thing in the morning that I don’t want to miss.”

“Oh, an academic, you’re becoming more my type by the second.” How stereotypical of a Ravenclaw can that guy be? “How about instead of me taking you home I’ll just take your number home instead? And I’ll take you out on a proper date whenever you’re free.”

Regulus raises his eyebrows. This was decisively easier than he had expected. “Alright,” he says, “but you better make it a good date. I’m not easy to please.”

“Oh, don’t you worry, I am excellent at pleasing.” Bertram gives him a cocky grin that makes Regulus’ stomach trip over itself, reminding him far too much of a different grin. He’s not entirely sure if that is a good or bad thing, and not entirely in the mood to figure that out right now, so instead he accepts the phone Bertram is holding out to him and adds his number into his contacts.

Bertram immediately texts Regulus, apparently not trusting him quite enough to not hand out a fake number. It sparks another fifteen minutes of casual flirting and small, teasing touches, before Bertram finally says, “Well, Regulus.” He lets his name roll slowly off his tongue. It’s a pleasing sound that Regulus wouldn’t mind getting to taste. “I will leave for the night, but I expect a text from you once you figure out if you’re free on Thursday, alright?”

Regulus tugs a strand of hair behind his ear, giving Bertram a blinding smile. “I want to know just how pleasing you can make a date. I will text you.”

Bertram gives him that grin again, followed by a wink, and then he’s leaving.

All hopes are not lost after all, Regulus decides. He still knows how to flirt and how to get what he wants and that’s all that really matters at the moment.

Dorcas is still dancing with Marlene, although when Regulus looks her way she is looking over at him, tilting her head in question. Regulus gives a quick shake of his, indicating that he is fine here at the bar and there is no need for her to come give him her company right away. She acknowledges it with a small smile.

He truly is grateful for his friends. He wouldn’t know what to do without them. He watches Marlene and Dorcas for a while longer, until someone far too close to his ear says, “You look awfully lonely. Need a dance partner?”

Regulus jerks back to glare at the guy who thought invading his personal space would be a good idea. “I’m fine, thanks,” he says clipped.

The guy doesn’t seem to be bothered by Regulus’ short reply and leans against the bar right next to Regulus, still too close for a stranger who hasn’t even managed to step into proper flirting territory yet. “Not the dancing type?” he asks. “Your little hips not made for moving?”

“My hips can move just fine.”

“Maybe you should show me,” the guy says with a wide grin. “Doesn’t have to be the dance floor either.”

Regulus can’t quite help the disgusted sneer off his face. Although, he sees no reason to hide it anyway.

“Bozo is the name. And you are?”

“Not interest.”

Bozo sighs, then waves for the bartender to refill Regulus’ glass. Well, that one Regulus will take, no matter how very much not interested he is in this slimy man.

“I’m sure you will change your mind if you give me a chance,” Bozo drawls. “I’m a photographer, you know? I am good at reading people and I can tell you’re looking for something fun.” He gives Regulus a hungry look up and down. “I am also good at spotting beautiful things and you, baby, sure are beautiful.”

“I’m unavailable,” Regulus says clipped. He has no idea how to make this guy fuck off.

“For tonight, maybe,” Bozo says far too confidently. He pulls out a pen and writes his number on the napkin under Regulus’ drink. “I know you’ll call me,” he whispers into Regulus’ ear.

Before Regulus has the chance to punch him in the gut he pulls away and thankfully disappears into the crowd.

What an absolutely slimy and unnecessarily cryptic creep. Regulus looks with disgust at the napkin, vowing to not call this number ever.

 

“How many guys’ numbers did you get tonight?” Marlene asks when she and Dorcas finally rejoin him later, throwing a curious glance at the napkin in front of Regulus.

“Just two,” Regulus says. He gives a sniff at the napkin. “I’m not calling him, though.”

“Yeah, I’d hope so.”

Honestly, Regulus is not surprised she could tell from the distance what an off-putting character Bozo had been. At least he got another free drink out of it.

Marlene considers the napkin for a moment. “You should still take it, though. Bet James is the jealous type.”

“I don’t know why he would be about this.”

“You should bet with me, then,” Marlene grins.

“Do not,” Dorcas warns. “Don’t forget she’s practically lived with him every day for seven years.”

Marlene gently punches her girlfriend in the arm. “Don’t spoil this for me. If Regulus gets free drinks out of scamming people–”

“I’m not scamming them, I was barely even flirting.”

“–then I can get some betting money out of him from using my extensive James-knowledge.”

“I’m not betting against you.”

Marlene sighs theatrically. Sometimes she reminds Regulus a little too much of his brother. “Shame. I would have won anyway. James is very jealous. When he was first crushing on Lily he was sore and pouting for two weeks when she agreed to go on a single date with Wren Parker. Pretended he didn’t care but he’s shit at hiding his feelings.”

Well, he’s currently certainly doing an adequate job, considering none of his friends have yet caught on to what’s actually going on with him. It honestly makes Regulus feel a little sad on James’ behalf. The fact that no one is noticing, despite it not being all that difficult to read in the end. After all, Regulus found out about it. And now that he knows it’s difficult not to see through his too bright smiles or vacant looks into nothingness when he thinks no one is watching.

“You know, you could just... very accidentally drop it in front of him on Friday.”

“Friday?” Regulus asks taken aback. He’s not aware of any plans this week that involve James.

“We’re meeting at the Pawtea after Evan’s shift?” Dorcas supplies. “Sirius sent a message in the group chat, did you not see it?”

Regulus shakes his head. He had been so preoccupied with all his other brother-related thoughts he must have missed that one.

“Are you up for it, though?”

“Yeah, I could do with some good coffee and petting cats,” Regulus hums. He could also do with seeing his friends again after his hangout time the previous weekend got derailed so quickly. But admitting that out loud in front of Marlene still doesn’t feel quite right to him.

A fact he doesn’t regret when Marlene a moment later, with a nod to the napkin, chirps “Perfect time to test my theory!”

“I don’t see why I should even attempt to make Potter jealous,” Regulus says dryly.

And yet, when they leave a while later, the napkin somehow finds its way into his pocket.

 

—

 

“Well, if it isn’t our lover boy!” Evan greets James when he enters the cat café along with a strong gust of very wet wind.

“Lover boy?” James asks, raising his eyebrows and pointedly looking behind himself to find that supposed someone coming through the door after him. “Where?”

Evan slaps him on the back before pulling him towards the table where Barty, Regulus, Dorcas and Marlene are already waiting. “How was it then?”

“How was what?” James asks, genuinely confused at this point. He had assumed Evan was still just senselessly teasing him about Regulus, but that assumption doesn’t quite add up anymore.

“Ignore him,” Regulus advises in lieu of a greeting.

“Absolutely not,” Evan refuses. “Regulus won’t tell us anything so you have to.”

Marlene’s head snaps around, leaving her hand hanging halfway through her secret handshake with James. James tries his best to finish it without her input, but it ends a little sadly. “There’s even more Regulames gossip?”

“Regulames,” Regulus deadpans. “Really.”

“What the heck is going on?” James looks confused between his friends. “Is this supposed to be our ship name?” Regulus’ glare is confirmation enough. “Since when do we have a ship name?”

“Since you took Reg out on a date yesterday and then kept him around all night?”

“What?” James looks perplexed between Evan, Barty and Regulus.

“I told you,” Regulus hisses. “I was not out with James last night.”

“Oh yeah? Then where did you spend the night?”

“How do you know Regulus spent the night somewhere else?” James asks, his attempt of sounding nonchalant about it falling incredibly flat.

Barty looks at him as if he’s lost his mind. Which, in fairness, is exactly what’s currently happening to James. “I literally live with him,” he deadpans. “I’m his flat mate. You really think I wouldn’t hear Regulus sneak out to go to you?”

Regulus huffs audibly. “First of all, I didn’t sneak out, I walked very normally because I do not care if you hear me go on a date.” James’ heart decides to give him a little stab at that. “Second, I didn’t go out with James, I didn’t go over to James’ place, I didn’t see James at all last night.”

Evan laughs in disbelief. “Just like you didn’t spend the night at James’ last weekend?”

“Do you maybe want to support me here?” Regulus snaps at James, glaring daggers into him as if it is his fault their friends think they went out last night. Which, on second thought, it probably is, considering it all started with Regulus comforting James through a breakdown. So with a fake cheer in his voice James says, “Sorry to disappoint, there was no Regulus with me yesterday.”

“You are so bad at lying,” Marlene snorts which is rather unfair considering James didn’t lie at all just now. Not with his words at any rate. “So, Regulus?” Marlene says sweetly, propping her elbows up on the table and resting her chin on her hands. “Who did you go out with if it wasn’t James?” There is a knowing glint in her eyes, information she has about Regulus that James would love to know as well.

Regulus’ eyes flick to James for a split second, some unreadable expression on his face, before resting back on Marlene. Indifferent as ever he says, “Bertie.”

“Me?” Barty asks taken aback.

Regulus rolls his eyes. “Obviously not you. Bertie,” he over-annunciates the name.

“Who?” Dorcas asks confused.

A small blush creeps up Regulus’ face. “Bertie Aubrey. He gave me his number when we were out.”

“Aubrey? Like Bertram Aubrey?” James asks. “The Ravenclaw wanker from my year?”

“He’s not a wanker,” Regulus says indignantly.

“He’s bigoted and boring and he fucking sucks.”

“And he’s great at it,” Regulus crosses his arms over his chest and looks at James challengingly.

James is currently fighting with himself if he wants to leave the room and never look at Regulus again, knowing that piece of information now, or if he wants to reach across the table, pull Regulus up by his shirt collar and kiss that defiant look off his face.

Peter, Mary, Lily and Pandora luckily choose that moment to join their group, inspecting the tension growing between James and Regulus and saving him the need to come to a conclusion.

“What’s going on here?” Peter asks curiously.

“Regulus is taking an interesting approach to my advice,” Marlene grins.

“James is currently pretending to find out that Regulus got fucked by Bertram Aubrey last night,” Evan further explains delighted.

“Aubrey?” Lily asks. “He was a fucking arsehole, why him?”

Mary hums in thought, considering their group. “Probably just to get an authentic reaction from James, look at him, he’s all worked up from the concept that Regulus was with that Ravenclaw cunt instead of him.”

James hates that she is right. He should not be this incredibly obvious about his crush, but Regulus is making it extremely difficult at the moment. If it had been at least a nice person Regulus went out with, James might find it in himself to pretend to be happy for him enough that he could eventually believe his own lies about his opinions on Regulus’ dating life. James has gotten so good at pining in quiet. The secret longing glances when no one is paying attention, the teasing Regulus just to see him blush, or riling him up to get some of his attention in the form of annoyed huffs or agitated arguing. James usually excels at all of it, really, and he had hoped that in the midst of all their friends he could go back to normal. He is perfectly content with pining in quiet. This, however, this is not quiet and it is not content and James is doing a shit job of pretending otherwise.

Why Aubrey, of all people? He was awful back in school, spewing bullshit about Muggle-borns being inferior that would have been misplaced even fifty years prior, thinking himself better than everyone just because he was a Ravenclaw with good grades and parents in the Wizengamot. What did Regulus see in him?

Regulus scowls and finally looks away from James, snapping, “Can you drop it? James also was an arsehole in school yet none of you are complaining that I supposedly fucked him instead last night.”

James chokes on his own spit, coughing so badly Mary slaps his back in an attempt to free his air pipes. He nearly misses Lily cheekily noting, “Well, we know James isn’t an arsehole anymore and even if he were, at least he makes up for it in looks.”

“Thanks Lily,” James wheezes, still reeling from Regulus so offhandedly talking about fucking him. That definitely put some more inappropriate fantasies into his mind.

“I don’t care if you lot think Bertie is an arsehole. So what if he was a prick in school, he’s nice enough now and he knows how to use his mouth.” Regulus frowns, then adds, “Besides, I don’t need to defend whom I’m dating, that has nothing to do with any of you.”

“I only heard a prick in school, hot and dating my brother, I’m choosing to ignore the mouth comment.” Sirius joins their table, pulling Remus along by his hand. “Hello my wonderful friends, lovely to see you all here. Are James and Reggie finally admitting they’re dating or what’s that that I just missed?”

With a groan Regulus starts rising from his seat. “I’m leaving. I cannot deal with this crap,” he announces, but Evan and Barty are quick to grab him from both sides, forcing him to sit back down. He glares at both of them, then pointedly at James, who so far has been a bit too stunned by the conversation topics to do anything but watch Regulus, trying his best not to think about him in any compromising situations.

Now he shakes himself and turns his attention to the full group. No matter how little he wants to do this, he promised Regulus he would fix it and try his best to convince everyone of the very factual fact that the two of them are nothing more than two people sharing the same friend group. “Genuinely, guys, you should drop it. Reg and I are still not dating or hooking up. And whatever fun he had last night, I was certainly not involved, but good for you, Reggie,” he adds with a wide grin towards Regulus, overplaying the jealousy still brewing inside him. “Can’t say I approve of your choice of date, but you do you. Or Aubrey, I guess,” he adds with a grimace.

He’s met with a steely glare and a far too sweet smile at that. “Thank you, Potter. So glad I got your approval for my sex life as well.”

“Their spiteful flirting makes me sick,” Marlene stage whispers to Barty who cackles in response.

Regulus looks about ready to strangle her with the nearest cat so James interrupts the moment by asking everyone if they already know what they want to drink, offering to collect the orders to bring to the front.

The conversation luckily drifts on from that, everyone finding other things to discuss, cards to play and cats to pet.

 

James is sitting between Sirius and Marlene, a very soft grey cat in his lap purring away as he scratches her between the ears. Across from him sits Regulus, content in conversation with Lily and Pandora. Since no one has mentioned their supposed relationship (or Regulus’ actual date) again he’s calmed down considerably, no longer looking like he wants to commit several acts of murder.

James watches him, noting the way he laughs at something Lily says, his head ducked, a strand of hair falling into his eyes. James gets the urge to reach over and tug it back behind his ear. Instead Regulus does it himself, the rings on his fingers catching the light and James’ attention. It’s not fair how much it suits his hands, and even less how James is starting to feel warm all over, his mouth going a little dry.

“If you don’t want anyone to think you’re fucking him maybe you should stop trying to peel his clothes off with your eyes.”

James startles, his head whipping around to Marlene grinning at him. The cat in his lap gives an affronted meow at his jostle and promptly jumps off of James’ lap.

“Honestly,” Marlene continues whispering, leaning closer. James wishes the cat came back just so he could distract his hands again. They feel empty now with Marlene fixing him under her smug look. “With how intense you’re being you might just be successful inventing a new non-verabl spell like this. You’re not exactly being subtle here. Either of you. Even most of my followers figured.”

“You said you wouldn’t make any videos about this,” hisses James, sneaking a quick glance to Regulus. The last thing he needs is him overhearing anything of what Marlene is telling him. “Reg will kill both of us when he finds out.”

“Chill, I didn’t say any specifics.” Marlene lifts her hands defensively. “Only mentioned on the side that there’s some very obvious secret dating happening in my friend group and people started speculating. Honestly a bit offended you’re not watching all my videos and found that out yourself.”

It’s not like he spends all that much time on the internet, Marlene should know that. “From just a vague mention they came to the conclusion you were talking about us?” James seriously doubts that. As far as he knows Regulus hasn’t even been in any of Marlene’s videos, there is no way people would speculate that badly. “Come off it.”

“I’m being serious! I think some of it is hopeful thinking because they’re all craving more James content, but people went digging and found photos of our friend group somewhere and just from the way you two are positioned in some of them concluded it’s gotta be you two. Again, lots of wishful thinking probably, because you’re hot and Regulus is pretty.”

Regulus is also hot in James’ opinion, but he isn’t going to say that out loud. “Out of all of us they came to this conclusion? Sirius and Remus are literally dating, why not them?”

“Oh, it’s the secret part that caused it. Sirius and Remus are way too obvious about how in love they are. You two have this trying not to let anyone know we’re dating thing going on.”

“Yeah, maybe because we’re not dating?” James reasons. “We’re not.”

Marlene snorts.

“We aren’t! And you should maybe tell your followers as much. Regulus barely even tolerates me half the time, and you all insisting we’re dating is really not helping that.”

“Don’t you think if I specifically told them it wasn’t about you two they’d believe it was you all the more? I’d just be drawing more attention to it, I thought you don’t want that.”

“Yeah, well, what I wanted was for you to have kept your mouth shut in the first place,” James snaps. He doesn’t mean to sound this mean but this is going a bit too far. If he is going to lose Regulus’ friendship over this James will riot. He’s been trying his absolute best to keep his own feelings to himself for all this time in an effort to slowly build this friendship up over the years. Admittedly, it’s still not going great, but he’s trying and he will not let this entire misunderstanding that’s still unfolding ruin what he has now.

Sure, in an ideal world he’d love to date Regulus, but James is being realistic. He’s read the signs and gotten the hints and he knows he doesn’t live in an ideal world. He’s fine with that. He’s good enough at managing his own feelings and he knows Regulus is a wonderful person that James wants in his life regardless of the nature of their relationship. It’s not just that he’d rather have him as a friend than not at all. He wants him as a friend, plain as that. He cares about Regulus, he values his opinions and his company. And Regulus getting put off from spending any time with James at all just because it might fuel yet another wave of teasing about their relationship is not something he wants to risk. James refuses to let those dating allegations ruin a perfect platonic relationship with Regulus.

“Why do you deny it so much?” Marlene asks.

“Because it’s not true,” James insists.

Marlene shrugs. “So? Even if, you two are obviously spending a lot more time together recently, and you’re being awfully secretive about it. Why is it such a bad thing that we might find out about you two seeing each other?”

James can’t help the little panicked glance flickering over to Sirius on his other side.

Marlene nudges him, a lot gentler then. “Come on, James, he won’t care. You really think he’s teasing you about it now but if the two of you came clean he’d turn on you and be pissed you’re fucking his baby brother?”

“That’s– no, what?”

All of this is so absurd. It’s not that James thinks Sirius would hate him for it (although he has to admit until very recently he was convinced Sirius would have a lot of issues with the idea of James even liking Regulus, much less doing something about it). It’s more the entire reason for why he’s in this situation in the first place. Regulus doesn’t want anyone to think he could ever be interested in James. James doesn’t want anyone, least of all Sirius, to know the reason Regulus is spending more time than usual with him. It could be so easy to convince them all of the truth, yet at the same time it is the most impossible thing for James to do.

Of course, he can’t tell Marlene any of this, so he just shrugs when she looks at him questioningly and takes a sip of his lemonade. Maybe he should do what Regulus is doing and find someone to go out with. Maybe that would make them all shut up.

(Then again, considering they didn’t even believe Regulus, the chances for that aren’t all that high.)

“Just so you know,” Marlene says, “I’ll keep bothering you about this until you let yourself be happy. Merlin knows you deserve a break with some happiness, Life seems to keep you pretty busy at the moment.”

Well, she isn’t wrong there.

 

Unfortunately the day ends far too quickly and James is once again left with nothing but worrying about his life. Before everyone said goodbye he had precariously asked Lily if she could sneak him a Pepper Up Potion. Sure, Regulus had said there wasn’t really any magic that could help with the panic attacks, but James hopes that maybe the potion would at least counteract some of the weakness he feels after his extreme bursts of anxiety. Lily promises to do her best and that is all the hope James has before Sunday is approaching far too quickly for his tastes.

He buries himself in preparing the stupid presentation and praying to whatever deities he can think of, just for good measure and the vague possibility it might actually help, that his group partner at least manages to present his part on Friday if James sends him word for word what he should be saying.

He drowns himself in practice trainings, trying to ignore the way his chest tightens enough to make it difficult to breathe and his stomach considers it might be fun to empty itself of everything James has ever eaten when he thinks about how the upcoming match could very well decide whether he gets a first position on his favourite team or keeps being a reserve player for two different teams whenever they have need for him.

Miraculously he gets through Friday alright, his presentation partner does an acceptable enough job that James is sure that with the paper he’s written they will probably pass well enough. It is only a slight relief, however, since that means that the match is now only two days away. Lily still hasn’t gotten back to him on the potion and James is starting to fear that she won’t manage before the match. In a hazy wave of panic he buries himself with even more training (certainly more than he should be doing at this point, his muscles definitely needing some time to relax before Sunday) and with texting Regulus more and more stupid messages to calm himself down. Which he gets to do because somehow, between the last time James had a panic attack and the umpteenth link to some meme or other, Regulus hasn’t told him to fuck off yet.

Mind you, so far Regulus hasn’t sent much back besides a single smiley face once when James apparently got the humour right. He still takes that as a request for more, which it probably isn’t.

On Sunday morning James wakes up completely on edge.

It’s just a match, he keeps telling himself. He’s played so many matches before, this shouldn’t be different.

Isn’t different.

He is going to get up, take a shower, eat breakfast. Grab his broom and uniform. Apparate to the stadium. Warm up with the rest of the team. Play this fucking match and play well enough that he’ll get through the first round of the scouting process without issue. He’ll be fine. It’s just a match.

The first steps work well enough. When he’s trying to eat enough breakfast to healthily last him through the match his phone start lighting up with messages from the group chat.

Remus Moony [Chaos Crew]
Good luck later Prongs! I wish I could come to watch, I’m sending you all my love along with Sirius.

Peter Wormy [Chaos Crew]
Also sending your love with me? Im also gonna cheer Prongs on!!
Can’t wait
This is gonna be so cool!!!

James grins at his phone as over the next couple minutes more and more messages from his friends come in, wishing him luck and saying they’re excited to watch, or are sorry to miss out on it.

James [Chaos Crew]
thx guys
the bats have insanely god chasers this season
so im a bit nervous
bt itll be cool!!
neer got to play them before!!
ive wanted to for forgever
so in not ocmplaning

Sirius Pads [Chaos Crew]
Youre also an insanely good chaser tho
Its why the catapults want you so bad ;)
So youll be so fine!
Cant wait to see you all sexy nd sweaty again ;)) <33

James [Chaos Crew]
ill get sweaty and nexy whenevr you want <33
anything for you darlilng
u just gotta ask

That exchange gets followed by a row of throwing up emojis from Peter and a cryptic combination of emojis from Marlene that James has no idea how to read but thinks might be something lewd considering Mary quotes it with ‘James Potter slut behaviour fr’.

Evan Rosie [Chaos Crew]
have you considered that if they play too well
you could just take off your shirt
give them a lil show
distract them
and then score all the girls?
*goals

Lils Evans <3 [Chaos Crew]
yeah Evan I think the correction wasn’t actually necessary

Pandora [Chaos Crew]
how about instead you steal your own goal posts?
i mean can they still score if there aren’t any rings to throw the quaffle through?
exactly, i didn’t think so!

Marls McKinnon [Chaos Crew]
u kno panda might b onto smth there
theres technically nothing in the rules that says u cant steel the goal posts
but its clearly written u need to get the quaffle thru the ring to score
so....

Bartymius [Chaos Crew]
wohoo new inventions of fouls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James watches the conversation unfold from that, his breakfast finally easier to swallow. However, through it all he can’t help but notice that one person didn’t wish him any luck at all.

He’d explain it away with Regulus still being asleep, but with everyone else already awake it seems unlikely he would still be sleeping. Plus, as far as James remembers Regulus also got tickets for today’s match.

James scrolls up through the chat once more, looking though all the messages, just in case that he simply missed one from Regulus.

There isn’t one.

It’s not as if it matters, he tells himself. Regulus doesn’t have an obligation to wish him luck. He’s already done enough, listened to James whine about how stressful everything is, listened to him talk on length about the manoeuvres he struggles with and the strategies he hopes his team will get to make use of this time. It should be enough.

Somehow it still isn’t.

With a sigh James puts his phone in his pocket, picks up his sports bag and broom and braces himself for the approaching game.

 

It isn’t until after they’ve warmed up that James checks his phone again. There are about eighty new messages in the group chat that James mostly just skims over, because there is another message in a different chat that’s caught his interest a lot more.

Regulus
Good luck

Just two words. Nothing more. Yet still it has James grinning from ear to ear.

In a moment of heady confidence he opens up his camera app and takes a quick selfie, wide grin, still slightly flushed from the warmup, the number on his shirt perfectly on display

James
<Picture Attached>
im so ready!!
thank you :D

Regulus, of course, doesn’t reply again. James didn’t expect him to, even if he is still hoping for another text all the way until he has to put his phone away in his sports bag. It doesn’t matter, though, because he’s gotten his good luck message. More, even, he’s gotten his good luck message in a private chat. He truly doesn’t need anything else.

He is going to fly that high for the rest of the day, he decides.

 

—

 

When his phone lights up with a text Regulus unlocks it without thinking about it, purely on instinct, at this point. He’s been watching the conversation in the group chat all morning. A truly entertaining thing, even if through it all he had felt incredibly awkward to give his own input. He doesn’t know why. He’s been in this group chat for years and never once had he felt like he couldn’t contribute, especially when the topic was about Quidditch.

It feels different around James now, and he hates it.

He doesn’t like the teasing about their supposed relationship, even less does he like when everything he says is being ignored. He does not enjoy being spoken over, not being believed and more so, being discredited about something that is not only true, but also important to him. So he just watched on as his friends bickered, scowled at the stupid flirting between Sirius and James, and kept quiet even through all the good luck wishes. Because interacting with James openly would most likely only lead to more senseless teasing, and he doesn’t need that, and James sure as hell does not need to be distracted by it right before his match.

Therefore unlocking his phone practically happens on autopilot, and with him fully expecting yet another foul suggestion from one of his friends, the face grinning up at him from the still-open chat catches him fully off guard.

“Oh, fuck,” he breathes, the surprise making him flushed all over and quickly he locks his phone again and slides it into his pocket.

“What was that?” Barty asks curiously from next to him.

“Nothing,” Regulus lies.

“Someone sent you nudes or something?”

“No,” Regulus says a little too forcefully. Honestly, nudes from some random hookup probably would have had a lot less of an effect on him.

Barty raises his eyebrows at him.

“No nudes,” Regulus says again.

“What then?”

“Stop being nosy.”

“I’m your best friend, I have to be nosy.”

“I thought we’ve agreed that being nosy is Evan’s job.”

“Damn right it is,” butts in Evan who is, to Regulus’ horror, holding his phone.

“Give that back,” Regulus hisses and makes a grab for it, but Evan holds it up over his head out of Regulus’ reach.

“Damn Reg, that must have been a proper good text if it has your guard this far down that Ev can just snag your phone like that,” Barty snorts. “Go on then,” he adds with a nod to Evan, “share with the crew.”

“Do not,” Regulus hisses, trying to make a grab for it again. His hand is twitching for his wand but he knows it would be pointless, the general magic ban on the stands most likely blocking his attempted stunner.

Evan is already typing in Regulus’ passcode and Regulus is so very disappointed in his past self for sharing it with his best friends. Mistakes were made and are now being regretted, as James grins down at him again from the phone held up above his head.

“Oh, damn, he looks good,” Barty says, leaning over Regulus to squint closer at the screen.

“Give that back,” Regulus snaps, but Evan merely tightens his grip on his phone and lowers it to look at it properly.

“Merlin, I’d also hit that. You’re seeing the way his shirt clings to his pecs? And this is pre-game, can you imagine what he’s gonna look like during the match in a minute?”

The problem is Regulus can imagine that. He’s seen it countless times before and it never fails to make him a little lightheaded.

Barty nods along wistfully. “Are there any more sexy Potter photos we’ve missed?” he asks suddenly.

Evan immediately peaks up and starts scrolling up in the chat.

“There aren’t. Stop snooping around in my private stuff,” Regulus grinds out and finally manages to grapple the phone from Evan’s hands by loosening his grip with a hard jab between his ribs.

“Ow,” Evan wails, rubbing the spot.

“You deserved that one.” Regulus relocks his phone and shoves it deeper into his front pocket this time, careful to be more aware of its whereabouts from now on.

“You’re absolutely no fun,” Evan pouts. “You’ve been texting so much lately, and you’re not even sharing it with us.”

“Why would I share it with you when all you do is use any information I give you to annoy me?”

“Because I want to know?”

“Tough luck.”

Evan opens his mouth to reply again, but the stadium commentator uses this exact moment to start announcing the teams and Regulus gladly uses that distraction to focus on the more important thing, namely the way James looks when he comes flying into the stadium along with the rest of his team.

It’s a rather low stakes match, overall. It’s still the off season, all games currently happening mainly for some friendly competition and so the teams can figure each other out and prepare for the qualifiers for the next league matches. Still, the stadium is packed and when the two teams land to shake hands in the middle of the pitch the cheering and hollering around Regulus is deafening.

James is letting his eyes wander across the stands with a grin nearly as bright as the one in the photo he sent and Regulus wishes he would spot him and his friends. Wishes he could send him another encouraging smile. (What a ridiculous thought. James doesn’t need that kind of thing, certainly not from Regulus, and it’s a rather sentimental thing to want anyway. It’s certainly not them.)

The chances for James’ team to win are honestly not great, Regulus knows that. Everyone here knows that. The Ballycastle Bats are not only a renowned League team, they’re good enough to regularly become champions. Meanwhile the Bournemouth Basilisks on the other hand – it would be unfair of Regulus to say they’re bad, because that’s really not it. It’s just that it’s been about eight years since they even made it out of the lowest league, and since James is playing today that means that one of their regular Chasers is sick and needed replacing, which definitely doesn’t add to the overall morale. And James is good, excellent, even, but having talent and being part of a well attuned team are still two different things. And even with the regular trainings he has with the Basilisk team it won’t be possible to perfectly integrate into the team dynamics when he is essentially nothing more than a last resort. Which means that the Basilisks, despite having the advantage of a home game, are very much favoured to lose today.

It’s not really about the winning, though. Not for James at least, Regulus knows this. All he has to do today is play as well as he always does so the scouts for the Catapults can judge his play style and decide whether they want him or not.

And oh, does he play well.

As soon as the whistle blows the game is hard and fast and Regulus is jealous. It’s what he had always wanted the games at Hogwarts to be, the split-second decisions followed by smart moves and precision. The fact that everything that is happening down on that pitch, every move, every choice, it is all them.

Back in Hogwarts people would sometimes accuse him of having only caught the Snitch because the commentator would call out that the opposing Seeker spotted the ball somewhere, or plainly point out the Snitch themselves if they caught sight of it, and it always hacked Regulus off. Because he knows he was better than that. Sure, he kept track of the game by listening to the commentating, but he would have played just as well if he had been in a professional setting where the players were cut off from the magically amplified voice pointing out everything happening on the pitch.

He wishes he could do that, too. Wishes he could prove himself to everyone who ever doubted him.

The Bats’ Beaters and Chasers is where the team really shines. When Regulus watches their Seeker he knows he once could have done better. Could have spotted the Snitch quicker and actually caught it when the opportunity presented itself. Now, however, he doesn’t know if he could still do as well, and it is an upsetting realisation to have.

He turns his eyes away from the Seekers circling above the play and focusses back on James.

 

—

 

Twenty-five minutes into the game the Ballycastle Bats are still leading, of course, but surprisingly enough by only thirty points after James has yet another excellent passing play with one of his teammates where the Quaffle passes between them five times before, following a manoeuvre by the third Chaser, it flies perfectly through the middle hoop.

“Nice one, Potter,” Morrings calls towards him.

James grins at the Chaser and calls back, “You’re the one who put it in!”

The third Chaser, Pip, flies a quick loop to give both James and Morrings a high five, before getting back into position when the Bats’ Keeper brings the Quaffle back into play.

It’s an excellent game. James catches his Captain grin several times and he himself finds himself whooping happily once or twice. He regrets not having asked Sirius where they’d all be sitting today. One day he really wants to get to score a goal and then blow a showy kiss towards his friends, maybe give a little wink the cameras could pick up. To him, that is the peak of professional Quidditch.

Honestly, the entire match is going rather well, until they’re over an hour into the game with merely ten points behind the Ballycastle Bats and Pip calls to him, a quick sign of hands to indicate the next manoeuvre. It’s the exact one James had told Regulus about a week ago, the one he hoped he’d finally get to do in an actual match. A beautiful show of flying skills and mind play that is almost guaranteed to end in a goal. He gives an affirming shout, evades a Bludger and gets in formation. Morrings and him fly a spiral around each other, feinting one of the opposing Chasers in the process. When Morrings blocks the second one that is supposed to shadow Pip, Pip throws the Quaffle directly into James’ flying path. And James –

– doesn’t catch it.

He doesn’t catch the Quaffle, the perfect pass that could have so easily ended in a goal. A goal that could have gotten them even with the Bats, a scenario none of them had even dared to dream of during training.

And James fucks it all up.

The third of the Bat’s Chasers snatches the Quaffle James should have gotten out of the air and sprints across the field. James’ brain doesn’t catch up with him. He knows that’s Daniels, knows she is the one he has to shadow, but he is still stuck at the Bat’s hoops. Metaphorically and quite literally, too, as his broom refuses to move a single inch from its spot.

“Potter! Get back in position!” Nora calls. She’s halted in her search for the Snitch to get her team back under control.

“I– yes, Captain,” James stutters, his hands clamping around his broomstick suddenly getting sweaty. Cold. He can’t feel them, only realises his grip is off.

James steers his broom to belatedly follow Daniels and get the Quaffle back on his side. One of the Bats’ Beaters calls something his way with a leering grin, some kind of hackling, James is sure, even if he can’t make it out over the blood rushing in his ears.

“Get your head back on, James,” shouts his captain. “Don’t let this get to you, you’re fine!”

But he’s not fine. And neither is anything else. Because too busy trying to stop James from making his mistake even worse, she doesn’t see the Bats’ Seeker suddenly flatten against his broom, shooting upwards.

James doesn’t even have the chance to catch up to the player having taken over his Quaffle, not even a chance to fix his fuck up, when the whistle already blows and the game ends.

On autopilot James follows his team members down to the floor, where the Bats have already piled up to celebrate. They all line up to shake the other team’s hands and congratulate each other. James smiles at them, the muscles in his face knowing where to go from years long practice. The Beater who hackled him just before the end pulls him into a quick hug and apologises for the things he’s said.

James waves him away. “It’s how the game is played, what we say in the air doesn’t count. Nothing to worry about mate, you played brilliantly.” He doesn’t know what the insults had been anyway.

It takes a little while before they make it back to the changing room as various of their players and their manager get stopped by press and for autographs on the way there. James feels very distant the entire time. Nothing feels real, he doesn’t feel real, he’s floating around somewhere in his body, his mind still stuck up there next to the Bats’ hoops.

“This was an excellent match, everyone, the Bats did not see that coming in the slightest, well done!”

Everyone gives a little cheer. James barely manages a sound.

“Just a few notes before I forget them and then you all are free until next training. Marlon, you left the top of your right hoop a little too uncovered, keep that in mind for Tuesday, we will work on that.” Their Keeper nods and taps the side of his head, indicating he is saving the information in his brain. “Soph, Tommy, excellent Bludger control, but you need to get quicker at recovering when you lose them. Same for James with the Quaffle–” James’ heart drops. Of course she had to mention it, but James is currently trying really hard not to throw up. “–don’t let a slipped by Quaffle distract you from the match, worrying about it can happen after the Snitch catch.”

James nods and gives a thumbs up. That’s all he manages.

“Mor, your left throw has a tendency to spin the Quaffle, we gotta look into that. Pip, absolutely excellent passes you did today, I honestly don’t have any notes for you right now.”

The nausea intensifies, because Nora is right, Pip's passes had been flawless, which makes James not catching the Quaffle all the worse.

“Overall I am extremely pleased with all of us! I will make note of everything I’ve noticed today and prepare a training to address all our problems. Until then I’ll release you. I’m gonna head over to the Modern Mage for a pint, whoever wants to is welcome to join me to celebrate.”

More cheering and then plans are made, who will tag along and who will bring friends as well.

James stops listening

He takes extra long arranging his broom and storing away his protective gear. By the time he is ready to shower most people have already left.

He’ll be fine, he tells himself. He just needs to take a shower and then he’ll be okay. It’s nothing to worry about. Everything is fine. Just a shower, and he will be okay. It’ll wash all his tenseness off him, he’ll cool down, he’ll be fine, and then he’ll go out there and collect his friends and then can gossip a little and go home and James can look at a recap of the match and work out some things for himself. He’ll just have to shower first and everything will be okay.

Just shower.

Then things will be okay.

He turns the water all the way to cold. He lets it run through his hair, washing the sweat and dust from the pitch off his skin, trailing down over his closed eyelids.

Maybe if he didn’t always take cold showers this would actually have the desired effect of calming him down, but as it is it just feels too familiar for a situation that’s anything but. He’s still tense and still feels sick and there is still this pressure building behind his sternum.

In a desperate attempt for everything to just stop he turns the shower handle all the way to the other side, flinching when the water starts burning his skin. The intensity has the effect he’s looking for, of distracting him for a good five seconds, before the warmth builds up inside him and makes him feel like he can’t breathe, making him feel like he is starting to panic again, making it all wrong, everything is wrong, it’s all–

James turns off the shower abruptly, grabs his towel, rubs at his skin until it’s dry and red and still feels wrong. He’s all jerky moves and shaky hands when he puts on his clothes, the water droplets falling down from his curls making his skin itch and he knows he’s going to have another breakdown in a minute if he doesn’t manage to get his shit together immediately.

Preventative measures, he tells himself as he pulls his phone from his sports bag. He’ll be fine. Just prevention. Regulus won’t mind too much, surely, he’ll be fine, it’ll be okay, he can always make it up to him again later, it’ll be fine, it will be–

James doesn’t even need to ask, this time. When he goes to type out a text to Regulus there is one already waiting for him.

Regulus
Do you want me to come?

James only allows himself a split second of freaking out about the fact that Regulus knew, saw this coming, before he sends his message back.

James
please

Regulus
Give me a minute.

The reply comes instantly and James shudders with relief, sinking down on the wooden bench of the thankfully empty changing room, knees drawn to his chest, digging his fingernails into his calves in an effort to ground himself.

He waits with his forehead resting against his knees for what feels like forever and no time at all before the sudden thought occurs to him that Regulus isn’t part of any teams and therefore won’t have the authority to just walk into the changing rooms. It’s a realisation that comes so unpleasantly sudden that James has to gasp for air, trying to swallow down the new rise of panic at the prospect that Regulus won’t be coming at all, that he’ll be all alone in this changing room having a panic attack, and someone could walk in at any minute, fuck, someone from the press could walk in and then everyone would know how fucking little James has his life under control and then he can absolutely forget ever getting signed with his own team.

He can’t stay here, he can’t fucking stay here, but he can’t leave this room because there are people outside, and even if there wasn’t an apparition block on the entire stadium he doesn’t think he’d be able to apparate at all at the moment anyway and what is he supposed to do? How is he supposed to fucking do any of this? He can’t do this, he cannot–

“James?” Regulus’ soft voice pulls him out of his spiralling and pushes him right into free fall, every single thought hammering against his brain in the last half hour being collectively released in one gasped sob, and then his entire body starts shaking as he loses control of it all.

Notes:

i, too, hate capitalism.

btw all three people having had something to do with reg so far are (proper/secondary) canon characters. Maxwell Barnett wrote a book on occlumency at some point, so in this fic he first started studying curses at st mungos with reg. james and sirius got double detention for cursing bertram aubrey and making his head twice its size. bozo was a photographer for the daily prophet and worked with rita skeeter during the triwizard tournament

also since lily finally made a proper appearance: its not really relevant and only gets a vague mention later if you squint a little, but my lily in this fic is a trans woman and that is very very important to me so i thought i would let you all know :)

evan working at a cat cafe is so fun to me. its the only thing that made sense somehow and i am very much vibing with it.
marlene is a menace. i love her dearly. reg and james are currently not very impressed with her but alas, sometimes some bullying from your friends is needed for you to get a relationship....

find me on tumblr

Chapter 4: I’m So Selfish, You’re So Kind

Notes:

i made a playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Black Friday by Tom Odell
(thank you fen for making me add this song to the playlist)

“How did you even get in here?” James asks when he’s finally managed to get his breathing under control. His voice still sounds incredibly hollow, matching just how off he feels.

Regulus shrugs. “Flirted with the security guy. Considered getting him somewhere where I could use a Confundus on him but he was a little too easy.”

James lets out a little laugh. “You flirted your way in here?”

“Don’t believe I have it in me?” Regulus asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, no.” James shakes his head. “I know you do.” And he does. Even if he didn’t have an embarrassing crush that makes him very aware of all things Regulus, the fact he has a rather colourful hook-up history and is incredibly good at getting free drinks just by looking at people from underneath his long lashes would be kind of hard to miss. “I just didn’t expect you’d do it for this.”

“I said I’d come here,” Regulus says petulantly. “It was the easiest way.”

It’s only thanks to the fact that James has just spent several long minutes hyperventilating and completely draining himself that he doesn’t manage to hide the blatant fondness with which he looks at Regulus. He knows he should stop having hopes that Regulus has any kind of romantic feelings for him. That initial conversation when their friends had thought they were dating has made that more than clear. But with this, right here, James can’t help but let a tiny spark of hope take place once more.

Regulus gives him a confused look, furrowing his eyebrows.

James quickly shakes his head and looks away. Then a thought occurs to him. “What of everyone else?”

“What do you mean?”

James groans, then answers his own question. “Oh, this is bad.” He rubs his hands over his face. “This is– there’s... It’s been forever since the end of the game, they must be wondering what’s up with me...” Regulus’ silence is answer enough and James lets out a rather pathetic noise. “And on top of that you’ve also now disappeared...”

“James...”

“I’m sorry,” James says. He looks up at Regulus again, and as earnestly as he can manage he repeats, “I am sorry.”

Regulus looks mildly uncomfortable and grimaces.

“I don’t– I’m– I’ll fix this, somehow. I’ll try my best, I’ll manage somehow. I– I could... tell them the truth...” He feels vaguely sick just at the thought. Scratch that, he feels like he might actually throw up at the thought, having to take a deep breath to make the nausea pass at least a little.

Regulus watches him, his expression blank. “You can’t.” It’s a statement, clearly read off James’ face.

James shakes his head. “I know I should, I know, but genuinely I think it’ll make me worse. I can’t, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, fuck, I’m so sorry...”

Regulus doesn’t interrupt him, doesn’t stop his rambling apologies. He just watches him, chewing on his lip contemplative.

“Please don’t make me,” James says meekly, panic rising once more when he notices Regulus’ expression, plainly showing that he has come to some kind of approach for solving their dilemma. James’ dilemma.

“I’m not that terrible,” Regulus promises dryly. “How much longer is it until you find out if the Catapults want you?”

James shudders. “I mean after today I doubt they’ll still consider me at all.”

“James,” Regulus sighs, “you were great. You flew brilliantly, you scored half the goals, the other half you were actively part of the passing play and the way you controlled your broom during your bluffs? I’ve literally never seen anyone do that. They would be completely off their head not signing you.”

“I cost us our win,” James points out. “I fucked up so badly Nora missed the Bats’ Seeker going for the Snitch.”

“First of all, you’re half the reason you guys had a viable chance for the win in the first place,” Regulus argues. “And second, your captain made a mistake in hovering around you for so long.”

“I froze up–”

“And she called you out for it, but I saw you getting ready to continue the match and she was still talking to you. That’s on her. She didn’t have her priorities sorted correctly in that moment.”

Objectively James knows he agrees. If it had been him, in his years as captain in Hogwarts, he would not have lingered for so long. Or not have lingered and not kept even closer watch on the rest of the game while doing so, to jump right back into action if needed.

Subjectively however, he knows that if he hadn’t freaked out in the middle of the game, if he hadn’t messed up in the first place, she wouldn’t have had to focus on him as closely. He tells Regulus as much.

“Do you even listen to yourself?” Regulus asks. He sounds exasperated and completely done with James and James has to pull his knees closer to his chest for comfort at the biting tone. “The only reason you reacted like this is because you weren’t used to fucking up at all. This is literally the first time you missed a catch, as far as I can tell. And you’ve been stressed for weeks, of course that would have an effect on you. But if you weren’t such a fucking good player this wouldn’t have come as such a surprise to you. Give yourself a fucking break, Potter. From judging yourself and also in general.”

James grumbles something unintelligible, not really knowing what he means to say anyway.

“So. When will you know if you get to join the Catapults?”

“There’s two more games they want to watch where I play, which is another two months. A bit less than that, I think. There’s also a chemistry play with the team, if they did call me back, I don’t know how close those things are.”

“Two months,” Regulus says and his expression darkens slightly. “That’s... longer than I expected.”

James hums in agreement. “I promise I’m trying my best to be normal about all of this. I really did think it would be done once I had that presentation.”

Regulus has the grace not to tell James I told you so, which he is sure is a great feat, but is also greatly appreciated. “I won’t make you hang around me having a breakdown every time, I’ll just...” James takes a deep breath and releases it slowly. When he continues his voice is steady, certain. Almost back to his usual confident self. “…need a short transitional period, I guess. I’ll get used to this. I’ll be fine.”

“You’re not going to tell Sirius about having a bad time.” It’s not a question. Regulus already knows the answer. James shakes his head anyway. “So it’s a bit inevitable that I’ll be with you in some secret room again while our friends wonder what we’re up to.”

“Reg...” He wants to apologise again, wants to insist he simply won’t have any more panic attacks, or at least have them on his own where Regulus won’t be dragged into this whole mess any more than he already is, but he knows he can’t promise either. With how things are currently going it indeed seems inevitable this day won’t have been the last one. And he clearly can’t think straight when he’s hyperventilating, because otherwise this wouldn’t have been the third time he’s had Regulus talk him through it all. Maybe if Regulus hadn’t shown up that first time in Sirius’ bathroom and been so incredibly good at giving comfort, maybe then James’ brain in survival mode wouldn’t keep seeing Regulus as the obvious solution for feeling better again.

“Two months...” Regulus contemplates.

“Not quite two. It’s doable,” James agrees. “I’ll get through that on my own somehow.”

“That’s not what I meant, James.”

James looks at him confused. Regulus looks ... he looks nervous, for some reason. He’s twisting the rings on his fingers, looking anywhere but at James, his eyes never quite settling on one thing for too long. It’s disorienting, because this is what James is supposed to feel right now. What reason does Regulus have to be nervous here?

James gets his answer when Regulus opens his mouth next. “What if we pretend they’re right?”

“What?”

“Our friends,” Regulus says and he looks like he’s already regretting making the suggestion before he’s even said it out loud. “They think there’s something going on between us. What if we pretend they’re right? Let them believe their assumptions are correct?”

“No.” The word comes out a little stronger than intended, a little too quickly.

The muscles in Regulus’ jaw tighten momentarily before he becomes completely still, all nervousness suddenly gone from his features. “It would help you,” he says bluntly. “You’re already lying to all of them, this at least would make it less obvious. You wouldn’t have to stress about Sirius finding out you’re doing bad anymore, and no one would question if we spent more time together.”

Regulus has a point. It would make all of this easier. But James doesn’t want to fake date Regulus. Not only would that be so incredibly unfair to Regulus, making him pretend to date James when that very idea so obviously revolts him while the idea of dating Regulus is some very inappropriate fantasy to James, but James also still has some self-respect left. And pretending to date Regulus Black while simultaneously having to pretend not to have actual, real feelings for him is just bound to break his heart. So in the end he simply repeats, “No.”

“It would stop all the stupid questions I keep getting about you, because they would have their answers.”

“I’m not fake dating you, Regulus,” James says gentler now. “I appreciate you trying to help, I really do. But I don’t want to have to pretend to be in love with you.”

Regulus nods jerkily. “Fine. It was just an idea,” he says clipped. “Good luck explaining to Sirius why you’ve been hiding in here for so long.”

When Regulus gets off the floor and walks to the exit without looking back once, James feels like he’s said something wrong. He cannot regret his decision, though, not when his heart aches this much at watching Regulus leave.

 

—

 

Regulus comes home to a thankfully empty flat. He kicks off his shoes without care and storms into his room, locking the door behind himself with a burst of unspoken magic.

Merlin, he is so fucking stupid.

I don’t want to have to pretend to be in love with you.

He knew he’s never had a chance with James, he’s known this for close to a decade by now, but not even having a chance at pretence? That’s fucking pathetic, even for him.

He crawls into bed, pulling the covers over his head, blocking out the rest of the world to be alone with his own miserable existence.

I don’t want to have to pretend to be in love with you.

He thought he had gotten used to the dull ache of not being enough. Had thought he had gotten used to being just the little brother of James’ best friend. But that was before he had collected enough courage to offer himself up for James and had gotten told that he wasn’t even worth pretending for. Great to know that James dislikes the idea of acting as if he loved Regulus more than he dislikes the idea of adding to Sirius’ stress. The only time he’d ever be put before his brother.

I don’t want to have to pretend to be in love with you.

Regulus’ phone vibrates gently. He pulls it from his pocket and turns it off, before dropping it next to his bed. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Doesn’t want anyone to know just what a sad excuse of a person he actually is.

He curls up tighter and squeezes his eyes shut.

At least James was honest and spared him from having to further embarrass himself in the future. A small solace.

It doesn’t actually make him feel any better.

 

—

 

James manages to sneak out of the stadium and apparate homewards without any of his friends or stadium goers noticing him. On his walk back to his flat from the little forest he landed in he can feel his phone weigh heavily in his pocket. He considers checking it, knows he probably should. There is no way at least Sirius hasn’t texted him yet, and if the roles were reversed James would be worried sick for his best friend.

It’s that which in the end makes him pull his phone out of his pocket. Not worrying him is kind of the entire point of not telling Sirius about the panic attacks after all.

As expected several texts are waiting for him.

Sirius Pads
WOOOOOOOOOOOO
YOURE SO GOOD
I cannot fucking WAIT for you to see a replay of this!!!!!
YO LOOK AT YOOSDH
Ehduhf
&háD
Sorry you literally scored there i couldnt cheer and text at the same time
Well be waiting at the exit next to the bike racks!!
Love you!!
Hey prongsie you good?
Alright so reg is now also gone so idk what freaky post quidditch stuff youre getting up to in the locker rooms and i really dont want to know
I AM a little concerned tho
Okay if you dont reply to me in the next twenty minutes i will come over to your place
If you do reply I will also come over tho jsyk
Okay im on my way i think the others went to go to the modern mage if you wanna party instead
If so lemme know pls
<3333

The last message was sent seven minutes ago. James is suddenly immeasurably happy he actually checked his phone before he got home. He’d hate to be surprised by Sirius when he’s already feeling off.

... Which is not a good feeling to have.

The realisation scares him. Sirius has always been the person James would come to for anything, the person he could trust feeling off around without having to make it a thing and the fact that right now he’d rather not see Sirius at all? It terrifies him and makes him feel guilty. He’s supposed to trust his best friend. He does trust his best friend. He supposes he simply doesn’t trust himself enough currently to know what to do with that trust.

 

Sirius is waiting leaning against the wall next to the front door of James’ house.

“You have a key, what are you doing waiting here outside,” James says by way of a greeting, pulling his best friend into a quick hug.

“Honestly?” Sirius say, “Mostly didn’t want to chance walking in on you and my brother.”

James busies himself with unlocking the door which gives him the perfect excuse not to have to look at Sirius and therefore gives him a chance to get his face under control. “If you continue like this I’ll start believing you actually think Reg and I have something going on.”

“If you continue disappearing at the same time as him I’ll actually start believing you and Reg have something going on,” Sirius mirrors him, following James up the stairs to the second floor. “Since this obviously means you’re still insistent on not sleeping with my brother, wanna tell me what’s actually up with you?”

James knows it’s only a temporary safe when he pushes the door to his flat open, following after Sirius inside. Sirius is not going to drop this, but the couple minutes of not-having-to-answer time he gets through coming home let him breathe a little easier. James drops his Quidditch bag off in its designated corner in his room, then pulls out his wand to unshrink his broom to store it away with a lot more care.

“Do you want something to drink?” Sirius calls from the kitchen, followed by the noise of the tap running.

“Get me a glass of water as well,” James calls back.

Broom properly stored away where its magic won’t get altered by the effects of a too long lasting Shrinking Charm James makes his way into his living room, mentally preparing himself for the looming conversation. Sirius joins him a minute later, two glasses of water in hand which he places on the coffee table before making himself comfortable on the sofa next to James.

“So,” he prompts, “tell me.”

Instead of answering immediately James grabs his glass and takes a sip of water. He weighs the glass between his hands, contemplatively watching the liquid inside slosh from side to side.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asks.

That startles James. “What?”

Sirius frowns. “I’m not stupid, Prongs. Something’s been going on for a couple weeks now and if it’s not you hiding a secret relationship then it’s gotta be something else.”

“Nothing’s going on,” James immediately defends himself.

Sirius’ frown deepens. “What happened during the match earlier?”

James pretends to be clueless. Of course, Sirius will see through it immediately, but it’s worth a try regardless. “What do you mean?”

“James.” His voice is serious, more so than James is really used to from his best friend. He huffs and elaborates. “When you missed the Quaffle.”

“I missed the Quaffle.”

“And after that?”

James cringes. He can’t do this without some of the truth. And really, this part is obvious to anyone who has watched him play anyway. “I didn’t expect it. It took me off guard and I froze up a bit. I’m not used to messing up this badly during Quidditch so my brain shut off for a second. Nora got me back on track though, even if it didn’t really much matter anymore at that point...”

Sirius watches him for a long moment after that. Narrows his eyes and tilts his head, trying to see through James’ lies. This one wasn’t a lie, though, so he can’t find anything. Still James is uncomfortable and hides his face behind taking another sip of water.

“You were upset,” Sirius states finally. “I assume that’s why you stayed back after the match?”

James nods. “I’m not good at losing,” he says truthfully.

Another moment of scrutiny, then, “Did Regulus come to see you?”

James hesitates a second too long.

Sirius nods in recognition. “Of course he did,” he says, and there is a small hint of bitterness in his voice. James suddenly wonders if all that indifference, at times even gleeful teasing at the idea of him and Regulus dating had only ever been pretence to paint over his actual feelings about the idea.

“You’re upset,” James notes in a bizarre mirroring of Sirius’ earlier statement.

“I’m not...” Sirius says, but his face is as blank as it only ever is when he’s hiding some sort of emotion. Both Black brothers are incredibly good at that. It’s easy to recognise when they have strong feelings about something, but impossible to tell what those feelings are.

“Why?” James asks.

It’s Sirius’ turn to pick up his glass of water and busy himself with it, evading James’ question.

“I don’t want to upset you,” James says. “I need to know what’s got you upset right now, so I can change whatever I did and fix it.”

Sirius stays silent for another second, before something in him seems to snap, a barrier he didn’t mean to open cracks, and he blurts out, “Are you replacing me with him?”

“What?” James asks dumbfounded, completely stunned by the absurdity of the question. “What does that even mean?”

“You were sad after the match and Reg came to see you. You didn’t even answer my texts,” there is a hint of accusation in his tone shining through despite Sirius’ obvious best efforts to hide it. “From what I can tell you two have met up in private more often in the past couple weeks than I’ve even seen you at all.”

And– Sirius isn’t really wrong about that one. Not that any of the meetings with Regulus were planned or even all that enjoyable, really, considering the circumstances. But he’s seen Sirius so seldomly that for the first time in his life, James has spent more time with his crush than with his favourite person in the whole damn universe.

“Are you replacing me as your best friend with my brother?”

“That’s the dumbest shit you’ve ever asked.” James really can’t help the words escaping him because frankly, what the fuck.

Sirius frowns. “It’s a valid conclusion.”

“It’s not,” James insists. “It’s a stupid ass conclusion. Why on earth would I replace you as my best friend? And why the fuck would I replace you with Regulus, when I have two other best friends who would be so much easier to upgrade to a bestest best friend?” James is actually a bit offended at the idea.

“You don’t like being comforted,” Sirius says. “I get to do it rarely enough, but now you’re willingly having Regulus do that for you? You can’t tell me that doesn’t sound like I’m being replaced.”

“Sirius.” James shifts on the sofa to face Sirius properly, taking both his hands in his own. “You are being really fucking stupid right now.”

Sirius rolls his eyes and makes an attempt to pull his hands away.

“No, stop that.” James tightens his grip on Sirius’ hands, interlocking their fingers as best he can manage from this angle. “You’re literally my favourite person. You’re my best friend. Nothing’s ever going to change that. If I could have it my way I’d get rid of your stupid boss and I’d be, I don’t know, your sugar daddy or something so you’d have all the time for me because I miss you. I’m not replacing you, not with Regulus and not with anyone. I couldn’t replace you even if I wanted to, because you’re simply that important to me. So stop being an insecure idiot about this, alright?”

Sirius still doesn’t look entirely convinced.

James sighs. “It’s just Quidditch related stuff. Regulus gets that part a bit better than you, he could’ve gone pro too if he had wanted to, you know that. So before, when I was nervous about the match, we talked some things through, and earlier just now he picked apart what I did and didn’t do wrong and rationalised it. It’s no big deal, really.”

It doesn’t feel... great. It isn’t a lie per se, really, it’s all very much the truth. Just not all of the truth. More importantly, not most of it. But at the way relief finally washes over Sirius’ expression and he leans forward to tackle James into a hug, he doesn’t regret this, either.

“I’m sorry I can’t be there for you more at the moment,” Sirius mumbles into James’ shoulder. “I’m just so exhausted all of the time, I’m genuinely having one of the worst periods of my life right now.”

Which, considering the house Sirius grew up in, really speaks for a lot. Which also once again solidifies James’ certainty that he cannot, under any circumstances, tell Sirius just how bad he himself is doing at the moment. If he can keep that bit of extra stress off of his best friend, he fucking will.

James shuffles closer until Sirius falls back on the sofa and makes himself comfortable on top of him, wrapping his arms tightly around his ribcage.

“Oof, you’re fucking heavy, get off me you twat,” Sirius complains but runs his fingers though James’ hair, so James sees no reason at all to move from his position.

“Personal weighted blanket,” James hums. “It’s supposed to help with stress.”

Sirius barks out a laugh, making James’ whole body shake with it.

And for just that moment, the world is okay.

 

James doesn’t think about Regulus’ offer again for the next two days.

(Which is a big fucking lie. Every time he closes his eyes or gets bored in class his mind wanders and settles on Regulus asking him out – for real, this time, even if with nearly the same words as he had in the stadium outside Bournemouth. It is incredibly distracting and pains him whenever he remembers how that conversation had actually gone and how Regulus had looked walking out on him.)

Regulus doesn’t text him back, the last message, a quick thank you James had sent once Sirius had left after their conversation on Sunday, still sitting unanswered in James’ phone.

In fairness, since most of James’ messages to Regulus go unanswered it doesn’t really mean anything, but that doesn’t mean James isn’t any less upset about it.

Really, James doesn’t properly think about Regulus until between his thermodynamics lecture and his lunch break someone stops him in the hallway.

“You’re James Potter, right?” the girl asks, brunette curls with pink tips bobbing excitedly around her head.

“Uh, yeah,” James says. He’s never seen the girl in his life which he is certain of because he definitely would have remembered such an aggressively happy haircut. Mentally he prepares himself for her to ask about Quidditch, because why else would she know his name? The game still sits uncomfortably in his mind, even after the talk he’s had with Regulus and the team’s last training the previous day, so he is really not looking forward to discussing his flying abilities, or lack thereof.

But he needn’t have worried, because what the girl says instead is, “Sorry if this is weird, but I watch all of Marlene’s videos, and I just need to know if you’re the person she’s mentioned who is in a secret relationship? Like, I’ve figured it has to be you and that pretty boy, Regulus, right? My other thought was maybe Pandora and that Barty guy, but they make a lot less sense so I don’t think it’s them. Everyone else also thinks it’s you, but I just wanted to make sure, is all, I’m so curious.”

James stares at her for a very long second. This is not what he had expected. Not ever, but certainly not in the middle of his university hallway on a random Wednesday midday.

“I know this isn’t really any of my business and you don’t even know me, I’m Elena by the way, hi, but I’m just so very invested in this.”

“Hi,” James replies. It is an automatic response to her greeting him, but when the girl’s entire face lights up he knows he’s made a mistake because now he accepted her invite to the conversation. “Okay, so. Elena,” James adds quickly, putting emphasis on her name. “I don’t know how you came to this conclusion, it’s certainly an incorrect one, but I also don’t know why you’d think asking someone if they’re the one in a secret relationship is going to get you an answer?” He runs his hand through his hair, messing it up and sorting his thoughts. “I’m not trying to be rude or anything, it’s just, I’m sure people in secret relationships have a reason for why the relationship is secret and telling some stranger about it probably isn’t their preferred way of outing it.”

Elena keeps grinning, unbothered by James telling her off. “See, I thought the fact that I’m a stranger would make it so much more likely you’d tell me. It’s not like I know anyone you would care about that I could tell.”

James has to admit, there is some sense to her logic. Still, “The fact alone that you know who I am and know of this because rumours have spread in some way makes me believe that if I did tell you anything the rest of the world would soon know as well. No offence.”

“Non taken,” Elena shrugs. “Do appreciate you basically confirming it anyway.”

“I really didn’t,” James insists. “Believe me, I’d know if I was in a secret relationship with Regulus.”

This is getting rather ridiculous. People believing James has a thing for Regulus, sure. It’s true, after all, and James is certain he’s sent some rather incriminating glances Regulus’ way on numerous occasions that someone must have seen. But why anyone would extrapolate from that and think they’re secretly dating is absolutely beyond him. Are people simply ignoring the fact that there is more than one person who has a say in what is and isn’t a relationship?

In all fairness to Elena, with James having a far bigger presence in Marlene’s videos than most of their other friends it would be a lot easier to assume things about James and freely speculate about everyone else’s feelings in the matter. And if James’ feelings for Regulus are this apparent, then concluding that they’re dating is probably really not that far off.

Elena just hums and bounces on the balls of her feet, the pink tips of her curls jumping up and down in tandem. “Can you tell Marlene that I think she’s really cool? And give her this from me?” She hands James an envelope which he takes without complaints, agreeing to relay the message, mainly because with the focus shifted to Marlene he doesn’t want to chance bringing it back to him and Regulus again. “Lovely to have met you, James! You should make some more collabs with Marlene, we all miss those.”

James has no idea who ‘we all’ are, but smiles nonetheless. “Sure, eventually I will,” he promises, no doubts that Marlene will indeed bully him into making another appearance sooner or later. “I really gotta run now, but it was nice to meet you,” he adds, even though he isn’t entirely certain how nice it really was.

 

“You got fan mail,” James greets Marlene when she walks up to him on the pitch, broom in hand.

“Oh, fun!” is her rather underwhelming reply.

“No surprise at all?” James asks very much surprised. “How much fan mail do you usually get?”

Marlene shrugs it off. “Not that much, honestly. Mainly messages on social media but I’ve gotten the odd thing here and there. So where did this one come from?”

“Some girl named Elena walked up to me in uni, asked if I was dating Regulus and then told me to tell you you’re cool. I’ve got her letter in the office, I’ll give it to you after the training.”

“And what did you say?”

“That I’d tell you?” James frowns.

Marlene halts in her process of dropping the cones they need for today’s practice to roll her eyes at James. “I meant about you and Regulus.”

James huffs and throws the Quaffle at her. “I’m still not dating him, if that’s what you want to know.”

Marlene easily catches the ball before throwing it straight back at James with a lot more force than necessary for the short distance. “The way you phrased that makes me believe you wished you could’ve given a different answer,” she teases.

James doesn’t deign that with a reply. (Which isn’t only because he is shit at lying, it really isn’t.) Instead he wordlessly picks up the rest of the cones and starts placing them around the pitch.

 

“Do you have a moment or are you in a hurry?” Marlene asks after they’ve sent all the kids home and packed away the equipment.

James has a lecture he missed because of his last team training that he should really catch up on before the next one tomorrow, or he will be completely lost on what is currently happening in his numerics class. Still, he puts his sports bag back down and turns his full attention to Marlene. “I have time, what’s up?”

“You doing okay?”

“I– yeah?”

Marlene never asks these kinds of questions. She’s not one for talking about feelings, ever, so this is... very odd and mildly concerning.

“Sure?” she asks.

“Is this about the Regulus thing? Because if so, don’t worry about me, he is definitely a lot more bothered by the allegations.”

“It’s not really about the Regulus thing,” Marlene says with an uncomfortable shrug. “During your last match? Something happened there and then you disappeared and you’ve been a little ... strained with the kids today.”

She’s not wrong. James has felt ... lost during today’s Little League training. He kept remembering his missed Quaffle every time one of the kids didn’t catch theirs, which, considering their age, happened rather frequently. And it made him contemplate how he was supposed to teach young children how to play properly when he couldn’t even do that himself.

Sure, he is only half the training force and they’re only children who haven’t even developed their full magical abilities yet, but is he qualified enough for even this? How are the children supposed to trust his judgement when he makes these kinds of mistakes on the pitch?

“So I was just wondering...” Marlene says awkwardly when James doesn’t reply immediately.

“I’m fine,” James says with a grin. “Don’t worry about it, I wasn’t that great during the game, I’ll admit, but it’s all good. And Oliver was just a bit too enthusiastic today so gotta be honest, I was a bit fed up with it in the end. I love how into it he is but it is a little exhausting sometimes.”

Marlene gives him an odd look, but nods. James finding someone’s enthusiasm for Quidditch annoying is so out of character she certainly doesn’t believe him, but it’s clear she doesn’t want to insist on talking about emotional matters when James is being resistant about it himself.

 

It doesn’t become a problem until Remus catches him after their respective classes. Which still wouldn’t be as much of a problem, if Remus had actually been at the Quidditch match to witness James malfunctioning. But him asking James – causally, hidden in the middle of a conversation so as not to draw attention to it – if things are going alright with Quidditch, how he is feeling with all the training... it doesn’t exactly speak for James’ current bad mental health going completely unnoticed.

James stumbles his way through the conversation more or less well, somehow managing to steer it to a subject that doesn’t make him this unbearably uncomfortable. Doesn’t make him feel like he is half a sentence away from yet another panic attack.

But even after Remus has left, after James has done his grocery shopping, after he’s come home from his training, after a long cold shower and a dinner cooked completely exhausted, he still feels uncomfortable and is still mildly panicking.

They’re noticing.

His friends are noticing that something is up.

He isn’t hiding it well enough and he doesn’t have a cover story laid out and he is not ready to tell anyone that he is not dealing well with any of the stress, because if he tells a part of the truth they will figure it all out and then they’ll know about the panic attacks, know that he is fucked up in ways he isn’t supposed to be and he– he cannot do that. He isn’t ready for that and he doubts he will ever be. He can’t have Sirius finding out and force him to have to deal with James’ shit, not after the conversation they’ve had after the match, not when Sirius is currently having one of the worst periods of his life. He simply cannot.

So really, it shouldn’t come to anyone’s surprise that in the end James reacts to his panicking the same way he continuously has for the past couple weeks.

He texts Regulus.

 

—

 

“I told you I don’t want to fucking talk to you.”

“You’re being a dick, Reg. Fucking drop it.”

“Well, if I’m being so much of a dick, Barty, then why can’t you just leave me alone?”

Barty huffs angrily. “All I said is that we have to go shopping because we don’t have anything to eat for tonight. So I need you to talk to me about this, and tell me what you want to eat, so we can make a list. Why are you being such a twat?”

Regulus glares at his best friend. He knows he’s being unreasonable. He knows he is being a twat. He needs it, though. Needs the outlet, needs someone to be awful to him so he can be awful back. He doesn’t know what else to do with his feelings.

He ignored everyone for a day. Refused to unlock his door when Barty came home on Sunday, and on Monday he skipped his lecture, something he’d usually never do, but he just could not bear looking at anyone. In the end he was forced to leave his room because he got hungry and unfortunately Barty chose that exact time to come home, which prompted the entire opposite of what happened before, and suddenly instead of ignoring everyone he snapped at all his friends, picking fights that had no reason to exist in the first place.

It makes him miserable and it makes him hate himself, but at least it gives him a reason for feeling miserable and hating himself that has nothing to do with James Potter and everything to do with himself. This is something that is within his control, something where he has the upper hand, something he can start and stop at his own call, and that helps a little.

“I told you, I don’t want to talk to you,” Regulus seethes. “If you can’t figure out what to eat yourself that’s not my problem.”

“Fine!” Barty snaps, angrily grabbing his keys. “Fine. Stick to your bullshit. I don’t care. I’m going to stay with Evan tonight. I’ve been ignored and shouted at enough in my life, I don’t need it from you as well.”

The door slams loudly into the lock when he leaves, leaving deafening silence behind.

Regulus feels even more miserable than before.

Being a dick to his best friend is one thing. Being shitty enough that he gets compared to his best friend’s abusive father is another. He’s going to have to apologise to Barty for that, but right now he cannot surpass the self-loathing to do something decent. He just empties his water glass into the sink and slouches back to his room, throwing his door close hard behind himself.

He’s being stupid. He knows he’s being stupid about this, but fuck, he feels stupid about this, and that’s the worst part of it all. He built up the courage to offer James a solution, and all it got him in the end was Barty being angry with him.

“Fucking idiot,” he mutters to himself and grabs his phone from his desk, opening the chat with Barty.

I’m sorry I said that to you–

He deletes the text again.

I didn’t mean to–

He backspaces that as well. He sucks at apologising. He’s never been good at it, doesn’t know how to do it, doesn’t know how to admit when he’s in the wrong. He considers texting Evan instead and asking him to at least make sure Barty is alright, but that feels somehow worse.

He’s still staring at the last message from Barty, the do you need anything? i can get pizza? glaring up at him unanswered when a new message lights up the top of his screen.

James Potter
hi
can we talk?
not an urgent thing btw!

Regulus reads the text several times. Considers if he wants to talk with James at all. (He does. He always does. That’s the problem.)

Regulus Black
Go ahead.

James Potter
i meant more in preson
do you have time?

Unfortunately he has time, considering he is sitting miserably alone in his flat and has pissed off all of his friends. But he is sure as fuck not going to tell James that, and he doesn’t want to seem desperate. He’s already done enough of that the previous Sunday.

What he does instead is exit the chat and pull up Barty’s again. Suddenly it’s a lot easier than before.

Regulus Black
Sorry I snapped at you. I know I’m being a dick at the moment, I just didn’t mean to be enough of a dick to rival your father.
Can I make it up to you? I’ll get the above pizza for you tomorrow if you want.
Feel free to invite Evan along, I’ve also been a dick to him

Barty Crouch
fine.
evan says he will forgive you for pizza.
but jsyk, i’m still pissed.

Regulus Black
I know
I’m sorry.

Barty sends him a middle finger emoji, but likes the message, so Regulus knows it’s not as bad as it could be. He still feels awful about it.

He hesitates another moment, then makes up his mind. He’s exhausted. Feeling sorry for himself and being an asshole to his friends is draining, and he is sick of it. Has been sick of it since he started. If James wants to talk, he’ll talk. It’s not like it can get any worse anyway, really.

Regulus Black
I’m free on Friday evening.

James Potter
do oyu wanna come over?
ill mak edinner
if you want

Regulus Black
Ok.

It’s probably a bit too cold, a bit too passive aggressive, even, but just because he’s decided he’s going to stop acting terribly towards his friends doesn’t mean he has to be perfectly nice to James. Sunday hurt a lot, so it’s only fair if Regulus gives the tiniest bit of it back to James.

It’s not like it matters anyway, Regulus notes a second later with a tiny bite of bitterness, when James sends him a single smiley face back in response. Fucking constant positivity.

 

—

 

James barely manages to sleep. When he does sleep he has nightmares. Of his broom breaking. Of getting kicked out of uni. Or Regulus hating him. Of Sirius not wanting to be his friend anymore. Of Sirius going back to his parents.

He wakes up in a cold sweat and immediately texts his best friend, telling him he’s had a nightmare, asking if he is doing okay, asking if he still likes James.

Sirius, of course, doesn’t reply seeing as it’s the middle of the night. But already the mere action of having texted him calms James enough that he attempts sleeping again. It’s a sad attempt.

He keeps switching between regretting asking Regulus to come over, deciding his decision was a terrible one, and telling himself that it’s the only sensible solution to all his problems. This pattern repeats all throughout the days as well. Even Sirius’ tired morning text filled with lots of hearts and reassurances doesn’t help calm James’ anxiety. It’s making it impossible to focus on any of his work to the point where Peter at the end of their shared lecture just sighs exasperatedly, does a very discreet duplicating charm of his notes and pushes them into James’ backpack. He, at least, doesn’t ask if James is alright.

When on Friday the clock hits seven and the dal is happily bubbling on his stove, James finally comes to the conclusion that this is a dumb idea and every decision he’s ever made is awful. Which of course is when, perfectly on time, Regulus rings the doorbell.

Regulus looks unfairly good, because of course he does. It’s not like James’ heart is beating unnecessarily fast already without him wearing a dark green satiny button-up that’s unbuttoned the tiniest bit too far, his light skin a stark contrast against the fabric just begging James to stare at his collarbones and imagining leaving a trail of love bites there.

“Are you going to let me in or do you just want to continue judging my outfit choice?” Regulus drawls which makes James finally step aside to beg his guest into his flat.

“Dinner still needs a couple minutes, I wasn’t sure when you’d come so I haven’t put the naan in the pan yet,” James apologises.

“I said I’d be here at seven,” Regulus points out, following James into the kitchen.

James shrugs. “I’m not used to people actually showing up exactly on time, no one does that.”

James never thought silence could sound so defensive, but somehow Regulus manages it when he sits down in the same chair he did last time, crossing his arms and watching James move around the room.

“So what did you want?” Regulus asks into the silence that only doesn’t feel awkward to James because he has cooking to occupy himself with.

“Food first?” he asks hopefully. “I’d rather prefer if I could enjoy that...”

“So it’s bad news. Excellent.” Regulus nods grimly. James does not like how easily he accepts his fate.

“Probably not. Maybe. I hope not.” It doesn’t really help convincing Regulus, but the pan on the stove needs too much of James’ attention for him to come up with a better reply.

James ends up turning on music to fill the silence between them, which only gets interrupted when Regulus thanks him for the food and tells him it is nice, to which James immediately offers to write the recipe down for him. Regulus declines with the reasoning that he is not good at cooking and would rather not have to venture from the things he knows he’ll be able to eat once they’re done. James considers offering to teach him instead, but Regulus is still holding himself defensively, even as he bites off a mouthful of naan, and so he keeps the offer to himself.

They finish eating all too soon, in James’ opinion. He takes the used dishes and rinses them in the sink, trying to stall for at least a tiny bit more time.

“You do know that if you continue inviting me over for dinner it’ll get more and more difficult to convince our friends that we’re not fucking, right?” Regulus eventually huffs, probably just to find something to be snippy about.

“About that...” James sets the plates aside and turns to Regulus, leaning back against his kitchen sink.

Regulus looks up at him, his eyebrows knitted together the only sign of emotion on his otherwise carefully blank face. “What?”

James weighs his head from side to side. He is still not sure if this is a good idea, so he decides not to think about it too hard (or at all) when he says, “You suggested we pretend to date.”

Regulus’ eyebrows join the rest of his blankness. It feels dangerous to even look at him like this, his facade a proper defence.

“Would you... are you–” James runs his hands through his hair in frustration, tugging slightly in an attempt to make his brain work again. “If I said yes? Would you still offer?”

The silence after those words stretches on for too long. James is already getting twitchy when Regulus finally opens his mouth again. “What made you change your mind?”

“My friends keep asking if I’m alright,” James admits. “Even Marls, and she hates admitting that emotions exist.”

“I told you that would happen, you didn’t really seem to care before.”

“I talked with Sirius,” James says quietly.

Regulus’ eyebrows shoot back up in surprise.

“Not like that,” he hurries to add. “I didn’t tell him any of the things you know. And I’m not going to. In fact, I can’t have him find out about it basically ever, which is why ... you know ... I’m here right now and all...”

“For Sirius,” Regulus says flatly.

“For Sirius,” James confirms.

“What did he say? When you talked? What made you so sure?”

James considers if he should tell Regulus, or if this is something he should keep a secret for his best friend. In the end he decides Sirius didn’t tell it as a secret himself, and Regulus has a right to understand James’ reasoning, if he’s going to keep doing him favours. “I know he was having a bad time with how his job is going and everything,” he says slowly and Regulus nods in understanding. “But, well... He told me he is having one of the worst periods of his life right now and–”

“Oh,” Regulus says. And yeah, that kind of sums it up. If anyone would understand what that phrase meant coming from Sirius, of course it would be his little brother.

“So...” James continues, “I can’t tell him. I can’t make him feel like he can’t rely on me because I’m not doing the best right now, and I don’t want him to feel guilty that he’s not focussing enough on me instead of himself either. So if you’re still up for it...”

Regulus gnaws on his lip, watching James closely.

James is not sure why it takes Regulus so long to think this through, considering he was the one who proposed the idea in the first place only a couple days ago. If since then he has finally gotten fed up with James. Maybe with their friends now catching on to the fact that something is up with James they’ve stopped bothering Regulus about his supposed secret relationship and fake dating James no longer offers any kind of merit for Regulus. James can’t tell. All he can do is wait and hope for the best and tentatively ask again, “So if you’re still offering...”

That makes Regulus’ face shift, his expression relaxing into one of utter defeat, and before James can take his request back to ease that burden again, he sighs. “Yeah, James. I’m still offering.”

Notes:

happy limbo time between chrismtas and new years to those who are just floating along at the moment!!! wishing all of you a good end of the year <333

i mention this in every one of my fics where quidditch happens so im doing it here as well: jkrs quidditch is dumb as fuck and doesnt make sense, so all my quidditch matches work in a way that the snitch is biased for whichever team has more points. meaning, the team scoring more is also more likely to catch the snitch and end the game so goals actually matter. that way the chasers and also beaters actually have an important role to play during the match and 150 points for the snitch makes sense because a) the team would have probably won either way but b) if the seeker is just insanely good they can still tilt the game in their teams favour. so yeah, james scoring half the goals really IS the reason why the basilisks had a valid chance at winning

prongsfoot friendship my beloved my very favourite thing ever <333 james being offended at the mere implication that he might not consider sirius his best friend anymore is so !!! i love them so much

i know marlene has been a menace (and will continue to be so) but her going out of her comfort zone to check on james when it actually matters <333 honestly i love her

and now look at that!!! things are developing!! good for them mhm mhm

i'll see you all in the new year!!! <33333

find me on tumblr

Chapter 5: Is It a Nightmare If Not a Dream

Notes:

i made a playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Bees and Swans by Beta Radio

this chapter actually needs some trigger warnings i think, so i'm putting them here. if you need details on any of them, i will summarise stuff in the end notes. here we will have:
- (not very explicit) sexual content
- transphobia
- mention of sucidal thoughts
- body dysphoria

i promise the chapter isn't all bad!!

“Are you sure?” James asks for the fourth time, which makes Regulus shoot him an absolutely seething look.

“If you don’t want to do it just tell me,” Regulus snaps.

“Why would I–”

“If you keep asking if I’m sure I want to pretend to be involved with you in the hopes I’ll change my answer so you don’t have to do it, stop being a fucking coward and just say so.”

James frowns. “That’s not what I’m trying to do. I just don’t want you to do something you’re uncomfortable with.”

“It was my idea.”

“You didn’t seem very comfortable when you proposed it in the first place.”

The seething look is slowly shifting into one of murder, and Regulus is seriously starting to wonder if they can ever pull this off when this is what James is doing to him.

“I mean look at you, this isn’t exactly screaming wanting to spend more time with me...”

“If you continue this I will be screaming.”

“Fine,” James says eventually. “If you’re sure. I guess we’re doing this then…”

“You should work on sounding a little less put off about the concept, or our friends might stop believing we’re fucking,” Regulus says dryly.

“Hypocrite,” James mumbles under his breath.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m just saying.” James shrugs. “It’s not like you’ve ever looked at me with anything but contempt.”

Regulus looks at him incredulously. He sure as hell is feeling a lot of that aforementioned contempt right now. “You know what,” he finally snaps, “I actually can’t do this.” This was a fucking dumb idea. He shouldn’t have come here, shouldn’t have given in, certainly not when he is still nursing his freshly broken heart. Yes he might be in love with James, but right now he cannot fucking stand him. “If you want to keep your stupid feelings a secret and make my brother happy get your fucking shit together, Potter. I’m not going to pretend to like someone who’s such a twat to me.”

“Me?” James asks offended, face twisting with a myriad of emotions. “How have I been a twat here?”

Regulus doesn’t provide him with an answer. He just can’t deal with this right now. “You can call me when you’ve figured out if you actually want to treat this seriously. I’m going home.” He gets up and pushes past James out of the kitchen. In the doorway he hesitates for a second, his manners winning over even if he cloaks them in an icy voice, “Thanks for the food.”

Then he’s gone.

 

He doesn’t go home, though. A quick text to Bertram Aubrey later he is on his way to the opposite side of the city. Him taking the tube is solely because he is not familiar enough with the district where Bertram lives and has nothing at all to do with the fact that he is currently too agitated to safely apparate.

The moment Bertram opens the door for him, Regulus is on him, kissing him hard and demanding.

He honestly should have done this right after Sunday already. At least this is a productive way of distracting himself. At least he gets something out of this, gets to be in control over how much of it he wants to give up, and doesn’t have to hurt anyone over it.

“Bit desperate tonight,” Bertram chuckles between kisses, pushing Regulus towards his bedroom while undoing the buttons of his shirt. When his fingers slide across his collarbones, James’ dark eyes insistently fixed on that very same spot earlier that night bore themselves back into Regulus’ mind and he groans. Merlin, even that had been a mistake. He had thought dressing up prettily would get him – what, exactly? James to desire him? To distract him? Well, it certainly got him to stare at Regulus as if he had lost his mind dressing like that.

He’s glad when the shirt falls to the floor and he doesn’t have to think about it anymore.

“You know, I was starting to get mad that you didn’t answer my texts the last couple days,” Bertram says as he manoeuvres Regulus onto the bed, undressing him fully. “But if this is how you react after a couple days of silence... I don’t mind.”

Regulus doesn’t reply to that. He sees no need to defend himself, has no desire to think about why he had been ignoring everyone including his hookup partner for a while, and has more important matters to attend to right now anyway. Like flipping his position with Bertram’s, until he is straddling him.

“Oh, that’s how we’re doing it today?” Bertram asks, some judgment hiding in the way he raises his eyebrows. They’ve only met up a handful of times, but from those it’s become glaringly obvious that Bertram does not like giving up control in the bedroom. And usually that’s what Regulus prefers anyway – he still knows how to get his partners to do exactly what he wants from them – but today it has to be all him.

“That’s how we’re doing it today,” Regulus confirms grimly.

And maybe Bertram would have complained about it more, but when Regulus guides his hands and places them on his waist, when he starts moving atop him, Bertram stops complaining altogether. Regulus knows he is good at this, but the confirmation he gets from seeing the bliss in his partner’s face is desperately needed tonight.

He’s not over James’ initial rejection. In all honesty, James agreeing to it after all has only made it worse. If it takes Sirius to practically admit he wants to die for James to settle on pretending to be into Regulus, then that really tells him where he stands with James. And even then James kept trying to back out of it. Because apparently Regulus is that little desirable in James’ eyes.

So this – seeing that it’s only James who thinks that way, while others look at him with hunger in their eyes and his name as a moan on their tongue – this helps, at least a little.

“Ah, you feel so good,” Bertram hums, letting his hands glide over Regulus’ body in appreciation. “Fucking shame you cut off your tits though, would be nice to have something to actually hold onto.”

Regulus stops moving abruptly. “No,” he says sharply.

“Aw, come on, don’t be like that. Keep moving baby, will you?”

But Regulus doesn’t. He feels suddenly extremely uncomfortable in his own body. He’s not had this in so long. Wizards don’t care, usually, their prejudices are reserved for magic related things. How many of your ancestors were wizards. If you grew up with or without wands. What kinds of wand you have, even. Things like sexuality or gender identity are usually shrugged off, so it’s been a while since he even thought about it at all.

It’s really not anything he needs right now. He is feeling incredibly exposed. Wants to hide away. Curl up in a dark corner and not move. He lifts off of Bertram, ignoring his protests, and climbs out of the bed.

“Really now? You know if you regret that so much, I have a vial of Polyjuice, you could always use it to get some great tits back for a little while. Certainly would make fucking nicer.”

Regulus can’t put his clothes on fast enough at this point. He feels nauseous and needs to get out as soon as possible. “If you want tits so badly fucking take that Polyjuice yourself,” he hisses. He very much hopes Bertram won’t. There’s a reason why the use of Polyjuice Potion got outlawed, with how much it violates rights and dignity.

“I can’t do that,” Bertram says, propping himself up on his elbows to watch Regulus. “That would be weird. I’m a man.”

It is Bertram’s misfortune he says this the exact second that Regulus was about to put his wand back in his pocket. Instead, he keeps it right where it is in his hand, points it at Bertram and performs a Stinging Hex, bottled with all the awful things he is feeling right now. “Fuck you,” Regulus spits, then sends a well-aimed Furnunculus right at Bertram’s groin for good measure.

He can’t even take pleasure in the screams and moans of pain that follow him out the door. He just feels like shit.

The tube sounds like the worst place to be right now, and walking is barely any better, so damning the consequences of being seen Regulus apparates right in front of his house. He’s lucky he doesn’t splinter himself in the process, his mind very much not being focussed at all right now. He doesn’t think he’d have cared even if it had happened.

As soon as he is back in his room he pulls a hoody from his wardrobe. Too big, too worn out for him to ever wear it outside the house. It was one of the first ones he ever stole from Sirius. One he used to wear a lot more often when he was younger. He hadn’t felt like he needed it in so long.

This sucks. All of this fucking sucks and he feels so uncomfortable and he wants this to stop and he doesn’t want to be himself right now. He gets the absurd urge to call Sirius and ask him if he could come over and share the bed with him tonight, as they used to. But he’s an adult now and he hasn’t shared a bed with his brother since he was eleven years old so instead he crawls under his covers all by himself and pulls the hood of his jumper over his head.

He feels disgusting and he needs a shower but the thought of undressing is unbearable right now. The best he can manage is to perform a cleaning charm over himself, which only helps with the very worst of it but gets rid of the hyper-awareness of his own body. The way he feels too big for himself.

His phone vibrates and when he checks it there is a message from Bertram, giving some kind of lame apology. Without hesitating at all Regulus blocks him and deletes his number.

 

—

 

 

James thinks he should probably apologise to Regulus, but he is entirely not sure what to apologise for. All he’s been trying was to make sure Regulus wasn’t agreeing to something he’d immediately regret, and Regulus called him a twat for it. Honestly, with how that conversation went James is starting to think that maybe fake dating Regulus could be the solution he’s been looking for this entire time to help him get over his ridiculous crush. If they ever manage to properly agree on doing it, that is.

James does call, the next day, when he feels like he can speak normally to Regulus again, without his heart revolting. When Regulus agrees to coming over a day later – a very annoyed huff from the background and Barty complaining, “I don’t care how good his dick is, Reg, you’re not going to skip out on our horror night again, there are more days than just Saturday in the week he could use for calling you.” delaying the whole procedure a little bit – he doesn’t really sound happy about it, but James hadn’t expected anything else. He would have suggested meeting in some neutral, public place instead, to give Regulus the space he obviously wants, but figuring out the ground rules to their fake relationship when parts of the public are already postulating on the nature of it doesn’t seem like the best idea. So James finds himself, for the third time in the span of a couple weeks, in the private company of Regulus in his own flat.

Regulus looks ... different. He doesn’t quite meet James’ eyes when he steps into his flat. Wordlessly accepts the glass of water James offers him. Curls up in the furthers corner on James’ sofa when he sits down, pulling the sleeves of his hoody over his hands. And it’s that hoody, too. James is pretty sure it’s one of Sirius’ old ones, the seams fraying, the printed band logo on the front nearly completely washed out. Regulus would look cute in it, if he didn’t look so miserable right now.

“Are you okay?” James asks hesitantly when he sits down.

Regulus just shrugs.

James gnaws on his lip, not wanting to upset Regulus further but needing to make sure he isn’t making a mistake here either. “I’m going to ask if you’re sure about this one more time, and I need you to be honest about this and not bite my head off. Because right now you look kind of unhappy about being here, so I just need to be sure. Is that okay?”

Regulus shrugs again, accompanied by a small nod of his head. “Go ahead.”

“Are you sure you want to go through with this plan?”

Regulus nods.

“You’ll be fine with having all our friends more than just speculate about us seeing each other?”

“I was the one who suggested it.”

“What about Aubrey?”

Regulus flinches. “What about Aubrey?” he asks sharply.

James hesitates, not having expected that shift in tone. “I mean... won’t he mind?”

“Why would he mind?”

James shifts uncomfortably in his seat, not at all appreciating the words he’s forced to say here. “You’re dating him, right? What will he say about this?”

Regulus looks away, a curl falling into his face, that he doesn’t bother tucking back into place, hiding his eyes. “I stopped seeing him. He’s a prick.”

James very wisely keeps the I told you so to himself. Regulus doesn’t look like he’d at all appreciate that right now. Whatever happened between the two of them obviously didn’t end well. James wishes it hadn’t hurt Regulus, but at the same time he can’t pretend he isn’t at least somewhat pleased that it did end. Still, it is something that needs to be discussed properly. “And other than that? Other dates?”

Regulus crosses his arms over his chest defensively. “It’s less than two months, at this point,” he huffs. “Besides, just because we’ll be pretending to hook up doesn’t mean I have to stop fucking other people in the meantime. As opposed to you I actually know how to keep quiet about things that don’t concern anyone else.”

James tries really hard not to let it show how much that comment stings. He thinks he manages well enough from the way Regulus turns to glare at him again. “Alright,” he says eventually. “Then we need to figure out how to actually do this. Put down some boundaries and stuff,” James declares. He’s decided to treat this entire thing very scientifically. Pretend he doesn’t have any kinds of emotional stakes involved in the matter. Anything to keep Regulus from stomping out on him again.

Regulus leans back into the cushions of the sofa, sinking half into it as he starts to relax the tiniest bit. “Go ahead.”

James nods, ready to speak, then hesitates. “Should we write this down?” he asks unsure.

That actually gets a little huffed laugh from Regulus. Not that he had meant to be funny, but James will take the win regardless. “This isn’t some kind of contract I will drag you in front of court over. Just tell me what you had in mind, it’s fine.”

“Alright.” James nods firmly, bringing himself back on track. “I think we should start by figuring out what our story here is.”

“Our story?” Regulus repeats.

“Yes, like, how did it all start.”

Without missing a beat Regulus declares, “The Elqueue Ilkley match, the one where you didn’t play that we went to watch with Sirius and Remus. They left before we did, they can back us up on that part should anyone actually ask. So maybe you convinced me to join you and the team to go celebrating in some pub, we got stupidly drunk and ended up in bed. I was the greatest fuck you’ve had in a while, so when you spotted me at Sirius’ party dancing with Barty you wanted to have some more. And since then we just meet up every now and then to hook up.”

“No one’s going to believe that,” James points out.

Regulus stiffens up. “What, you don’t think you’d enjoy sleeping with me?”

James wishes he knew how to force all his blood to stay in parts of his body that didn’t betray him to an outside observer. Oh, if only Regulus knew just how much James would enjoy sleeping with him. “That’s not what I meant, I’m sure you’re mind blowing in bed,” he hurries to say. He lets out a little cough, trying to overplay just how badly his mind is getting away from him right now, probably only making it more obvious in the process. “No it’s... I mean, when was the last time you’ve seen me hook up with someone?”

Regulus stares at him for a very long time, his eyes going a little unfocussed. “Can’t say I’ve ever watched while you were fucking anyone, Potter,” he eventually says dryly.

For the love of Merlin’s withering butt cheeks and his own sanity, James really needs to move this conversation to different subjects. He takes a big gulp of water, decides it’s not nearly enough to drown his imagination, and swiftly downs the rest of his glass. Kind of wishes it wasn’t water right now.

He puts the glass down with a resounding clonk against the table, then says, “Well, anyway, I’m just saying. They’re not going to believe it because I don’t do hookups.”

Regulus stares at him blankly. “You don’t do hookups,” he repeats.

“That’s what I said.”

A moment of silence, then Regulus shakes his head. “You really need to meet up with my brother more regularly again, Potter. Your jokes are impressively lacking.”

“It’s not a joke?” James says mildly offended.

“What do you mean?”

“Just what I said. I don’t do random hookups.”

“Every single time we go out you end up snogging some stranger within about five minutes of knowing them. I’ve seen you make out with more people than anyone else besides Barty.”

James shrugs. “I like kissing people.”

“And yet you’re telling me you don’t do hookups?”

“Regulus,” James says slowly, “are you aware that kissing someone and taking them home for sex are two different things?”

Regulus glares at him in reply.

James shrugs again, a little self-conscious this time. It’s really not something he is usually embarrassed about, but with the way Regulus is looking at him at the moment he feels like he has to defend himself. “Apart from Lily when we were dating I’ve only slept with two other people before I decided I just don’t vibe with it when it’s not about the emotional connection. Technically just one other person. The second one only happened ‘cause I thought I might think differently if I sleep with someone who has a vagina, but I got as far as getting her off and her trying to take off my pants before I had to call the whole thing off. Like, physically it felt nice, I really can’t complain there, but at the same time I just felt uncomfortable with myself so I really didn’t see the point for another repeat. I just have no interest in one-night stands and casual flings.”

Regulus looks like someone just told him how the book he is currently reading is going to end and he does not agree with the ending at all. “Does everyone except me know that about you?”

“I mean, you also know about it now,” James points out. “Obviously I’ve told the other Marauders at some point. And Lily knows, of course. I’ve not explicitly said anything to any of the others, but like, I don’t make a secret out of it. I’m sure they’re aware of it. I didn’t feel the need to explain myself in detail, it’s not like talking about how much sex you’re not having is a conversation topic people are dying to know about.”

“So what was your plan here?” There is an edge to Regulus’ voice when he speaks. “You don’t do casual, so we’re going to make our friends believe that we’re what, that we’re in love? Come on, James, be fucking realistic.”

James grins widely. It’s either that, or leave and drown himself in his shower. “What”, he says, mockingly mirroring Regulus’ previous words, “you don’t think you could fall in love with me?”

“No one’s going to believe this could be mutual.”

“And why not?” counters James, pushing the conversation forward so he doesn’t have to linger on how much this hurts. He can wallow in his own misery once Regulus is gone. “That first time at Sirius’ party I got a text from nearly everyone and several of them were telling me they knew it.” He puts air quotes around the last words. “So how hard could it be to make them believe it for real?”

“They didn’t say that.”

James pulls out his phone, scrolling back in his messages with purpose. It takes a while, but finally he finds what he was looking for and reads out flatly, “Here, your best friend, Mister Bartemius Crouch Junior himself. One forty-seven. ‘I fucking knew it, bitch. Exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark, middle finger emoji.”

“Barty is a fucking arsehole,” Regulus snaps.

James scrolls a second longer. “Lily, one thirty-eight. I kind of saw it coming, not gonna lie, really happy for you. Heart emoji.”

“What the fuck,” Regulus says, and this time James’ grin is genuine.

“Yeah, I also don’t know. I know Sirius doesn’t actually believe we’re dating, though he did think we fucked, but I think that was mainly ‘cause he wasn’t all that sober anymore and afterwards he just ran with it for the meme. Seemed a lot more supportive of the concept than I would have expected, honestly.”

Regulus lets out a little huff.

“He did think I was emotionally cheating on our friendship with you, but that’s something completely different and I think I managed to talk him out of it.”

Regulus opens his mouth to say something, probably along the lines of what a weird relationship his brother and James have, but James has heard it countless times too many already, so he presses on. “I think Marlene is convinced we have something going on, and Lily does, too, obviously. But Moony doesn’t buy it one bit, doesn’t even see it worth bringing up. I’m pretty sure Wormtail and Mary could be swayed either way, depending on what’s funnier at the moment.” James counts his friends off his fingers. “Then there’s your side of the group, so obviously you’d know better what’s going on there, but it very much looks like Evan is absolutely hell bent on insisting we are dating.”

“Fucking,” Regulus corrects. “He just thinks we’re fucking. Barty just likes to tease, he’d know if we were actually hooking up. Pandora is so far staying out of it, and I think Dorcas believes me when I say it’s not happening.”

James nods along, cataloguing everyone in his brain to figure out where convincing will be necessary. “I still think it should be doable. Half of Marlene’s followers think we’re dating, so there’s gotta be something we can play off of.”

Regulus goes still, and too late James realises his mistake. “Marlene’s followers,” Regulus says dangerously calm, almost sweetly. “Now why would they think we’re dating, James?”

James lifts his hands in surrender, instinctively leaning back a bit. “Look, I told Marlene to keep quiet and I tried to convince her that there is nothing going on between us, but you’ve seen her, you know what she’s like. Apparently she let it slip that she discovered two of her friends are in a secret relationship and her followers have somehow concluded from whatever stalking missions they’ve went on that it’s gotta be the two of us she was talking about.”

Regulus looks about ready to kill James with his bare hands and use his remains to forge into a weapon and murder Marlene with, and James would rather keep living, really. So quickly he adds, “But this is good! We’re trying to convince the world – well, mainly Sirius, really – that we’re dating, so we can use this to our advantage!”

“I’ve not actually agreed to the idea of making this into a pretend committed relationship where we’re in love,” Regulus grinds out.

James freezes. No, he supposes Regulus hadn’t agreed to that. His original plan was for them to pretend to be casually going out for hook ups. Regulus was averse to the concept of actually dating James from the very beginning. From when their friends first kept insisting they were. James was the one who shifted the conversation into something more serious, and at every point of it Regulus was less than enthused.

“What if,” James suggests quietly, scared to overstep again, “What if we pretend it only just started? We can still go with your original story line, only we never actually got to the hooking up part that night.”

That coldness is still in Regulus’ gaze, but he is listening intently, which seems like a good sign. When he gives a terse nod, James continues, “Sirius’ party was just making out, maybe just getting a little more handsy, but nothing more ‘cause I didn’t want to.” James doesn’t mention that if that had happened, he definitely would have wanted. Admitting that would give Regulus slightly too much insight into James’ feelings for him though, so he has to stick to a version where Regulus is nothing more than another pretty person James likes to snog. “They already speculated we left the party together, so what if we did? And you spent the night at my place and we just ... talked...” James suggests tentatively.

Regulus shakes his head. “I left early for class the next morning. I can’t say for certain that Barty didn’t hear me leave, I’d rather not get caught in such an obvious lie.”

The fact that Regulus is considering James’ suggestion at all gives him back some of his confidence. “Alright,” James agrees, “We still left together for the night because you had an 8 a.m. class the next morning and I wanted to spend more time with you, so I walked you home.”

Regulus gives a small nod.

“Before saying goodnight I asked you out on a date and you agreed.”

Something twists Regulus’ face, an odd look shadowing him, but it’s gone too quickly for James to read properly. He doesn’t disagree, so James keeps going.

“I didn’t really want to do anything that’s not casual, which repeated make-out sessions with your best friend’s little brother probably fall under, and you didn’t want to do anything too committed–” This at least would require no lying from either party. “–so we agreed on keeping it at casual dates for now and not telling anyone about it, because you didn’t want anyone up in our business while you were still figuring out if you even want anything more serious from me.”

Regulus looks at him for a very long time. James gives him the space to think, sitting back to let him consider it in quiet. He eyes his water glass, regretfully empty. It would be rude to abandon the conversation now to refill it in the kitchen, so he waits it out, his mouth getting drier the longer Regulus doesn’t say anything.

“Why would you ask me out?” Regulus finally asks. “Wanting to make out with me, I can get behind that, we can make that believable enough. But what reason would you have to ask me out?”

I’ve been pathetically in love with you for the past two years, James doesn’t say. “I enjoy your company,” he says instead. Wonders how much he can say and still sell it as a cover story without it becoming blatantly obvious he is merely talking about his real feelings. “I like talking to you about Quidditch and arguing with you is fun, you challenge me properly. I think you’re beautiful and we have similar interests. I love listening to you talk about the things you care about. And I suppose when we kissed there was some really good chemistry that I simply wanted to explore more.”

That odd look flits across Regulus’ face again, and this time James thinks it looks like... hurt? Which doesn’t make much sense given the conversation, so he tries not to linger on it for too long.

“If you’re not comfortable with it,” James says gently, “you don’t have to agree to it, you know that, right? This clearly isn’t the plan you had originally proposed so if you don’t want to go with this version that’s understandable. I’ll figure out a different way to deal with my shit that doesn’t affect you and won’t weigh on Sirius. We don’t have to do this.”

The muscles in Regulus’ jaw tighten and he sits up straighter. “No,” he says, finality ringing in his voice. “We’re doing this. It’s a good enough story, I suppose. You asked me out, we agreed on keeping it secret so I could figure out how serious things really are on my own terms. It can work.”

“Really?” James asks surprised.

“I swear to Morgana, if you start this again, I will leave,” Regulus promises. “I am agreeing to the plan, so take it and shut up, alright?”

James lifts his hands in surrender. “Alright, sorry, I’m not questioning your commitment to the plan!”

Regulus hums, then falls quiet. James watches him for a second, trying to figure out what’s going on but can’t get a read at all. Damn Walburga and Orion Black for raising their children to be so incredibly good at masking emotions.

“I’m gonna go refill my glass, do you need anything?” James asks eventually, eyeing Regulus’ own still untouched glass.

He shakes his head no, which James expected. It was a courtesy question more than anything anyway. “Alrighty, I’ll be back in a sec’,” James promises.

He doesn’t really linger in the kitchen. That’s not what’s happening. It’s more that (as well as water) he needs a second to just ... breathe. Not see Regulus. Let this absolutely mad plan they’re forming sink in.

This isn’t a thing James decided on impulse. If anything, this is easily in the top five of things he’s thought about the longest. But it wasn’t until just now that it’s actually become something real. Or as real as a fake relationship can be. They’re doing this. It’s no longer just a hypothetical, because they’ve mutually agreed to pretend to date. Pretend to pretend they’re not dating? Something like that.

There are still details they have to discuss, most of all how exactly they’re going to pull this off, but the concept alone makes James’ insides twist with nerves. What the fuck has he gotten himself into here.

James from a week ago was definitely smarter. James from a week ago knew that pretending to fall in love with Regulus while he was already in love with Regulus is a stupid idea that can only end terribly. James from the present is fucking dumb, as it turns out, because the heartbreak is still as inevitable as ever, yet here he is, his best friend’s little brother waiting for him in his living room so they can discuss how to make it look like the feelings between them are reasonable and also mutual.

Well, none of these things really matter, James decides. This is first and foremost to make sure Sirius will get through this period of his life, and second it is for James to not have to deal with people trying to coddle him through his own less-than-ideal phase. So whatever pride and self-preservation he has, whatever wishful fantasies of romance, all that can’t matter right now.

With determination James grabs his glass, shakes confidence and cheerfulness back into his body, and stalks back to the living room. He stops in the doorway and leans against it, one arm thrown up above his head. Overconfidence and over the top flirting. He can do this. “I have returned!” he proclaims dramatically, doing his best impression of the rich countess Ada Zabini played in her latest film. “Did you miss me, lover?”

Regulus, having had the misfortune of finally discovering his own glass of water in the meantime, chokes on the sip he was just taking and coughs so violently he spills a considerable amount of the liquid down his shirt.

“Oh, fuck, sorry!” James hurriedly abandons his position to jump to Regulus’ aid, trying his absolute best to hide the laugh bubbling up at the sight in front of him and failing only a little bit. While Regulus is still coughing James puts his own glass down before retrieving his wand from where it had slid between the sofa cushions. He performs a quick drying spell, the water evaporating in gentle swirls from the fabric. “You okay?” He gives Regulus soft claps on his back until he nods and the coughs subside more or less.

“What the fuck, Potter,” Regulus wheezes.

“Sorry,” James repeats, pulling his hand away and taking his previous seat. “I thought it’d be funny, but not funny enough to nearly kill you.”

“You didn’t nearly kill me,” Regulus argues, his voice still a little raspy.

“Uh huh, sure,” James grins.

Regulus glares at him. It’s unfortunate just how very fond James is of that glare. More so for Regulus than himself, probably, because the glare does not get the desired effect and only makes James’ grin widen.

Regulus huffs and looks away, a slight colouring to his cheeks now. “So to summarise, we pretend we kissed the first time after the Elqueue match and we’ve been going out since roughly Sirius’ party.”

“Yes,” James confirms.

“But we’re denying the allegations because we don’t want anyone to know about it.”

“Yes,” James agrees again.

“How do we convince our friends this–” Regulus motions between them “–is happening while we actively try to make them think we don’t want them to know it’s happening?”

“Yes,” James says a third time for lack of a better answer.

“Very unhelpful, thank you, Potter, I’m so glad to have your input on the matter.”

“We need to plant little clues,” James gives a better reply. “Take some photos on dates that our friends could accidentally stumble across. Have someone see us hold hands while we’re out where it looks like we’d not expect anyone to see us.” He hesitates for a second, then, “if you’re comfortable with hand holding, that is.”

Regulus nods curtly. “I’m okay with hand holding.”

“Okay.” James swallows hard. Tries not to think about it too much. “Maybe just little innocent touches when we hang out with our friends? Something like that?”

Regulus gives another short nod. “Where do you draw the line?”

“What?”

“Is there anything you’re not comfortable doing,” he elaborates. “I don’t want to... overstep...”

James huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, right.” He doesn’t mean to say it, but the idea that Regulus would be the one to overstep is so ridiculous to him he simply cannot help it. It’s James who is overly affectionate and way too touchy. It’ll be James who will have to continuously remind himself that what they’re doing is not real and he shouldn’t act as if it was.

Regulus crosses his arms in defiance. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. You didn’t want to do this to start with so at least tell me where your boundaries are so I don’t have to feel like that much of a creep.”

To say he doesn’t have any boundaries feels kind of wrong, but James can for the life of him not think of a single thing he would mind Regulus do to him. He stares blankly into space, trying to come up with something, but it’s very difficult with Regulus watching him this intently. “Don’t touch my hair,” he says eventually.

“Wouldn’t want to mess up the carefully crafted chaos,” Regulus says deadpan.

James wisely doesn’t say that if Regulus were to play with his hair, James’ entire brain would probably shut off and he’d confess all his long-hidden feelings on the spot. He has to keep some dignity, even if it’s not much left. “What about you?” he asks instead. “What are your boundaries?”

“Don’t call me pet names,” Regulus says without a single second of hesitation.

“Oh,” James breathes out. “I’m sorry.”

Regulus gives him a puzzled look.

“For what I said earlier. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, it was really just meant as a joke.”

“It’s fine,” Regulus says with a voice of someone who hasn’t found anything to find fine in a century. “You didn’t know.”

“Okay then. No pet names. Anything else I should know?”

Regulus shakes his head.

“You’ll let me know if you think of anything else, right?”

A nod.

“So. Regarding the planting clues and stuff. Do you want to–” James checks the window outside and sees that it’s definitely too dark by now to get ice cream and make it seem like they did that for a normal date. “–uh, want to go out for dinner somewhere? We could talk about all the things we should probably know about the other if we were actually seeing each other. And take some cutesy photos that our friends can find.”

Regulus shakes his head again. “Not today. This is enough for one day,” he says, and James remembers again how exhausted he had looked when he first walked into the flat. “I’m free on Tuesday if you want to meet up then.”

“I can’t do Tuesdays, that’s my long day, I have uni and work and team training. Are you free Wednesday? After lunch?”

“I technically have a study session with Mary to prepare our next cultures lecture but I think the professor said she wouldn’t be in next week, so we can probably skip Wednesday. I’ll have to check that though, give me a second...” he pulls out his phone and scrolls through it for a while, frowning at the contents on his screen that seem to not be behaving how he wants them to. He looks a little like the old people James sometimes watches on public transport, struggling with their phones as they try to text their grandchildren. It’s really quite adorable.

Regulus finds what he is looking for eventually and says, “Yeah, Wednesday works for me. I have a lecture until two, so we can meet after that.”

“Until two? Who thought of that, that’s such a stupid time, that means you can’t even get lunch at the cafeteria.”

Regulus just shrugs, having long ago accepted his luck apparently.

James thinks quickly. “Where is your lecture?”

Regulus gives the name of the building, then, at James’ confused look, explains where it is located.

“Alright, how about I’ll pick you up from your lecture and we will get lunch somewhere together? My treat,” James suggests.

“You don’t have to pay for me, we’re not actually going to go on a date,” Regulus reminds him dryly.

James shrugs unperturbed. For once that kind of remark doesn’t bother him in the slightest. “I’m still going out with one of my friends. I’d pay for Marlene, too, if I invited her out for food.”

“Fine,” Regulus grumbles. He doesn’t look all that happy about it. James doesn’t have to make assumptions as for the reason. Sirius is also twitchy about money these days. It must be weird growing up in one of the richest families of the wizarding world only to suddenly lose it all and be one shit month away from not knowing how to pay rent. Sirius knows the money is limited nowadays, knows he is the one who is supporting himself and his little brother. And to Regulus it probably doesn’t make much of a difference if the money is a large inherited sum or not, James doubts that changes anything about the guilt over accepting someone else’s money. So despite the fact that paying for Regulus seems only fair, what with James’ own well filled vault sitting in Gringotts, Regulus most likely doesn’t like accepting money from him either.

Still, James wasn’t lying when he said he’d treat any of his friends the same in this regard. This has nothing to do with charity, and everything to do with him liking to treat the people he cares about. And fake date or not – he is genuinely looking forward to spending time with Regulus as a friend, as he would with any of his other friends. Maybe false allegations would have meant an end to his blossoming friendship with Regulus. But maybe a false relationship is exactly what he needs to make it bloom.

Notes:

SPOILERS for the warning
the first three things as well as the worst of the dysphoria all happen in after the first scene change (so after "Then he's gone.") and end at the pov switch.
to summarise: basically, reg goes over to bertram aubrey, they fuck, halfway through bertram tells reg he wishes he hadn't gotten top surgery and when reg starts to leave following that comment, he implies that regulus is not actually a man. reg hexes him, leaves and blocks his number but it does give him some proper dysphoria.
the suicidal thoughts are about sirius, because reg concluded that thats what 'one of the worst periods of his life' means. nothing explicit is mentioned tho, its just half a sentence.
SPOILER END

bertram aubrey, they can never make me like you :)

sooo elqueue as a team doesnt exist in canon. i made that up. thats one of the teams james is playing for, and also where he works. its called elqueue because i looked up what football teams are usually called and half of them are just newcastle football or some shit, so i was like 'london quiditch. LQ. Elqueue. makes sense'. you cant tell me with a city as big as london they wouldnt have a quidditch club somewhere around there. (we are ignoring the fact that there are soooo many professional quidditch teams for how few wizards exist according to canon)

all the communication james and reg didnt do in operation wanker are now happening here. or most of it, at least. look at them actually talking about things hehe

demi ace (and grey aro, tho thats never explicitly stated in any way) james is so so important to me!!! like i am on the side of james doesnt label himself at all, he just goes with the flow, but the vibes are there and i care about it so much you dont get it;;

also i know eating proper lunch is not a very british thing, you have to excuse my german-ness here (and in the coming chapters), i cant do anything about that, its the only thing that makes sense to me

lastly for these very long end notes: if youve paid attention you may have noticed i edited the chapter count and with that also the playlist. the plot is still very much the same, i just ended up having 10k words on a chapter without actually getting to the necessary plot and since i didnt want to have chapters over 7k in the first place (failed terribly at that) i had to up the chapter count....

find me on tumblr

Chapter 6: Wretched and Joyful

Notes:

i made a playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Angel Of Small Death & The Codeine Scene by Hozier

On Wednesday James realises he hadn’t thought the day through in its entirety. It seemed rather straight forward when talking with Regulus – his own lectures, meeting up with Barty, Mary and Peter for lunch, pick up Regulus at two and– well... get lunch again, apparently. And James knows taking someone out for food and promising to pay while not eating anything is not exactly inviting the other person to eat as much as they actually want to. So James really shouldn’t be eating with his friends before he meets up with Regulus. It makes it rather difficult, though.

“What do you mean, not hungry?” Mary asks perplexed. “I’ve known you since we were eleven, the only times I’ve ever seen you be not hungry was while you were in the hospital wing or actively in the process of eating. And even that’s debatable. Are you alright?”

Peter looks at him with worry. “You seemed a little distracted in stats this morning already, are you getting sick?”

“I’m always distracted in stats, probabilities are boring and I don’t care for them,” James points out. “I’m fine. Just had a later breakfast than usual so I’m not hungry yet, I’ll get something proper later.” James wonders if he should perform a discreet silencing charm on his stomach, because he can already feel the hunger rumbles rolling up on him.

“Well, if you do get hungry you can always grab a snack from the little Sicilian bakery later, it’s right next to the park.”

“Huh?” James looks up confused form where he had been eyeing the wand in his backpack. “Park?”

“We’re meeting the others there later? You said you’d come.”

“I uh–” James does vaguely remember plans having been made about playing games at the park later with most of the Chaos Crew. He had not taken that into consideration one bit when making plans with Regulus. “I can’t, I have a– uh, there’s a strategy meeting for Elequeue. For the game on Sunday. I think I got the dates mixed earlier.”

Peter looks at him and right through James’ badly constructed lie. “You’re not even playing Sunday.”

“I might have to, if Lucinda gets sick again. And I gotta prepare properly anyway, I do have another game soon.”

It’s so clear that Peter doesn’t believe him. James should really get new friends who haven’t figured out all his tells yet. Or better yet, learn how to actually lie well, because he doubts that even those new friends would fail at recognising when he’s lying.

Mary, bless her, takes pity on James and pretends his excuse makes sense. “Well, I will join in James’ stead then, my lecture tomorrow is cancelled so I do have time to come along after all.”

That makes Barty look up with interest. “You’re coming?”

“As I just said.”

“So you’re not meeting up with Regulus to go over your notes and shit?”

Mary blinks at him slowly. “I feel like you didn’t listen to a single word I said. The lecture is cancelled. We won’t revise together again until next week. I’m coming with you.”

Barty’s eyebrows draw together in confusion, then his head snaps around and a wide grin spreads across his face when he looks at James. “Oh, this is interesting.”

“What is?” Peter asks ever so eager to get more gossip.

James fears he already knows what’s about to happen.

“Well, see, my dearest Regulus said he can’t join us today,” he turns back to Mary, “because he has a study session with you.”

Understanding dawns on Mary’s face. “Fascinating.”

James doesn’t know if he should play completely clueless and ask what exactly is so fascinating, or if he should tell them they’re wrong before they can even say anything out loud, so in the end he says nothing.

“Maybe he also has a strategy meeting to go to and confused that with your study session,” Barty muses innocently.

Peter snickers. James feels awfully betrayed by his best friend.

“Why the fuck would Regulus have a strategy meeting, he doesn’t even play Quidditch anymore,” James points out, deciding it’s time to actually step in.

Barty props his chin on his hand and smiles at James, somehow revealing all of his teeth at once. It is vaguely terrifying. “Yeah, Potter, why would Regulus have a strategy meeting?”

James gives a fuck if I know, I didn’t bring this up shrug.

“Well, tell him we’ll miss his throwing abilities for Kubb but hope he has fun regardless,” Barty instructs.

“Tell him yourself, you also have his number,” James huffs. “I know what you’re insinuating here, but I’m not going to have some kind of ... fun with Regulus while you all are busy. That’s not what’s happening.” Man he fuckin’ loves getting to twist the reality by mending his truths. James may be shit at lying, but he is excellent at diverting and picking and choosing which parts of the truth to tell, if he may say so himself.

His friends, unfortunately, don’t seem to care one bit about that. Between every other bite (which James jealously eyes) they tease him about ditching their friend group in favour of taking Regulus home. It doesn’t matter how much he insists that’s not happening, doesn’t even matter that at least Peter knows for certain that James would never skip a friend meeting for casual sex. They’re thriving in their conversation and James is trying his very best not to blush.

At quarter to two he checks his watch and announces he has to go, but promises that if the meeting doesn’t take too long he will come by the park and see if the others are still hanging around. He doubts he will have the time, but one can still hope.

He wishes his friends fun, which the three return with conspiratorial winks and crude gestures in Barty’s case. “Send us a selfie from the Elqueue headquarters!” Mary calls after him. James pretends he can’t hear her anymore.

 

Regulus’ professor doesn’t only not care about his students needing food throughout the day, on top of that he doesn’t even stick to his own time table and extends the class for another ten minutes. When the doors finally open James watches as students flow out of the lecture hall, patiently waiting for Regulus. When he doesn’t come James curiously peaks through the door and sees Regulus at the front of the room talking to his professor, arguing passionately. He is gesticulating. James is a little mesmerised. He has half a mind to go inside to listen in on the conversation, but still enough decency to stop himself from actually doing it.

It takes another five minutes or so before Regulus bids his professor goodbye and turns to leave, at which point his eyes immediately find James, who grins at him widely. Regulus scowls but James could also swear there is a faint blush creeping up his neck. He also looks decisively less miserable than the last time James saw him, his posture now upright and certain again instead of drawn in on himself hiding inside a too big hoody. It’s a gorgeous sight to see.

“Hello there, b– Regulus,” James greets cheerily, only barely catching himself from calling Regulus beautiful, not wanting to risk crossing the one single boundary he was given this early on into their arrangement. It’ll be difficult, though, James realises now. How is he supposed to over the top flirt with Regulus to overplay his actual feelings when he can’t even call him any pet names at all?

“Sorry this took so long,” Regulus says instead of returning the greeting.

“Don’t worry about it,” James insists. “It looked important.”

“Just had a question about the lecture,” Regulus shrugs off. When James’ stomach gives an audible grumble he adds, “Should we go before you starve to death?”

“Yes, please,” James groans. The hunger really is eating him up from the inside out.

 

 —

 

“So, tell me about what had you so agitated in that lecture.”

“It’s nothing that’ll interest you.”

“Try me,” James challenges.

Regulus gives him a doubtful look. James really doesn’t seem like the guy who has the patience for literary analyses. He’d really rather not bore him first thing into their fake date.

“Come on, Reg. We’re supposed to be going on regular dates, right? Even if I wasn’t genuinely interested in what had you nearly poke out your professor’s eye while talking, don’t you think it’d be weird if I didn’t know these kinda things about you, considering our supposed relationship?”

Regulus looks hopefully down the street but there’s no sign of the Spoons James wants to take him to yet, so they’d have to fill the silence of the walk there with something. He just doesn’t want to bore James so early on into the day. “It’s my classical and modern poetry class,” Regulus sighs eventually. “I had really high hopes for it, it just sounded super interesting in the module description, but the professor is kind of a letdown. And I don’t mean to argue with him every time after class, but he is unfortunately really into Rilke but speaks neither French nor German so goes purely off of the translations he finds and his takes on the poems are simply so incredibly terrible. Like, straight up saying wrong things that can be proven to be incorrect because Rilke literally wrote down how the poem is to be read.”

“And pointing that out to him doesn’t help?”

Regulus gives a disappointed laugh. “You’d think so, right? But no, he keeps holding onto the opinion that any interpretation of a text is correct if you want it to be, regardless of what the author intended. And while I think that’s a good take usually, because as long as you take something away from what you read the text has found a purpose, you should still at least consider the original meaning, especially when you’re the professor teaching a class about it.”

James hums thoughtfully, considering the words for a second before he speaks again. “Yeah, that makes sense. As a professor your job should be to give all the available information anyway, and if Rilke actually gave more information than just the poem... What was it about?”

“Rilke wrote the poem about his dog,” Regulus huffs. “My professor keeps insisting it’s an unrequited love poem about someone who refuses to grow up.”

James laughs at that. “You should show the poem to Sirius. Actually, give it to me so I can show it to Sirius, I need to see his reaction there.”

“Why?”

James shakes his head, still laughing gently. “Inside joke. I think he’d like it.”

Regulus isn’t sure if the jealousy he is feeling is because of James or Sirius. It has long ago morphed into the same thing. “Yeah, okay,” he mumbles. “Remind me later and I’ll send it to you. I need to look it up properly again anyway, I meant to include it in my paper for the class.”

“Paper,” James groans. “Merlin, just that alone makes me kind of glad that I went for engineering, at least I don’t normally have to write papers, and we have only one correct way to go about things most of the time.”

“That doesn’t make you sound very enthusiastic about your study choice.”

James shrugs. “I mean, it’s only a means to an end for me, right? I’m going to play Quidditch for the next several years and after that I’ll probably become a full-time trainer, so it doesn’t really matter as long as I get some kind of degree.”

“But then why did you choose engineering? Of all the things you could have done, why go for one where you actually have to study?” Regulus has wondered this for a long time. He’s always thought the rule that professional Quidditch players still need to enrol for uni for a broader education might make sense from a social standpoint, but seems a bit over the top considering most of the Quidditch players would never actually move on to use their degree. So it makes sense that most of them either choose something that plays into sports – like sports medicine or nutritional science – or simply choose something they are already good at that requires very little time for them next to their sports career. James’ choice is odd, to say the least.

“I already had the security of getting my part time job with the Little League teaching there,” James starts his explanation. “Which is really fun, because that way I can bond with Remus a tiny bit over our kids. I love that.”

Every couple steps Regulus looks over at James while he talks, listening attentively. When James catches him, he runs a hand through his hair, tugging on it and messing it up in the process, a little falter to his words.

“And Peter was very set on Astronomy or Astrophysics literally the second he learned that Muggles know a whole lot more about space than they’ve ever taught us in Hogwarts. So I thought if I study something that’s similar enough that we’d share some lectures, that would be cool. And since Sirius started his apprenticeship with that fucking awful mechanic, engineering just seemed like the reasonable choice. Gotta be honest, I didn’t realise how little lectures I’d actually share with Peter and I still wouldn’t know what to do with a car if you sat that in front of me, so that makes it a lot less fun...”

“So your entire reason for choosing what you study was looking at what your friends do?” Regulus questions with a snort. Honestly, he shouldn’t be surprised in the least.

“I mean, yeah. When they talk about their job I don’t want to be entirely clueless, you know?” After a moment of hesitation James adds, “Also I went through the list of modules for engineering when I first looked into it and there was one named ‘flight mechanics’ and I thought that’d be really cool insight knowledge to have for Quidditch.”

“And how is that going for you?” Regulus smirks.

“In retrospect I should have realised that it wouldn’t be about Quidditch mechanics in any way whatsoever.”

“Yeah, must have been a real shocker for you to find out that a Muggle university doesn’t teach you things about wizarding sports,” Regulus says sarcastically.

James ignores the sarcasm and just plays along. “It was!” he insists. “They literally only taught me about planes, which I find a whole lot less interesting. Though if I ever decide to ditch my Quidditch career and go into broom-making, I would definitely pull out my lecture notes. I really hope our current top of the class brooms were designed with all those Muggle aerodynamics findings, ‘cause if not, there is so much potential they’re wasting.”

James turns his head to grin at Regulus a moment too late to notice the fond look Regulus is regarding him with fade into an indifferent expression.

 

—

 

“Oh, by the way, if Barty ends up making weird comments to you when you come home later I’m really sorry. I tried to convince him and Mary and Peter that me missing out on friend time has nothing to do with fucking you. But it was three against one, I really didn’t stand a chance there...”

Regulus gives him a long exasperated look while he finishes chewing the bite he just took. “You do know that’s kind of what we want them to believe, right? You don’t have to apologise for not managing to convince them otherwise.”

“...Right,” says James slowly. “I obviously planned that out like that. Them thinking I was going to meet up with you was fully on purpose. A hundred percent my intention.”

Regulus rolls his eyes but there is a hint of a grin tucked in the corners of his mouth. It makes something tingle warmly in James’ stomach.

“Anyway,” James gets to the point he actually meant to make, “I was thinking, it will be pretty suspicious if we don’t have any photos of all our past dates, but it might be equally suspicious if all of them are taken on the same day should anyone think to look at our phones.”

Regulus nods in agreement. “The day they figure out spells that don’t interfere with technology is going to be a great one. It would be so much easier if we could simply change the date in the coding, or whatever photos use...”

James wholeheartedly agrees. Not having internet at Hogwarts had never bothered him personally, seeing as he hadn’t really grown up with it. His parents had never gotten the hang of Muggle technology, so he had the very traditional pureblood wizard upbringing, no matter how much his parents rejected the pureblood values.

But there had been enough kids in school, both from Muggle families and pureblood ones that grew up in Muggle neighbourhoods, that were endlessly annoyed by the lack of connection to the outside world. It wasn’t uncommon to see students on their phones in Hogsmeade, when it was the only time they could easily charge their devices, since the strong magic surrounding the castle interfered with the electricity too much. Despite how interwoven the wizarding community had become with the Muggle world, and how much Muggles nowadays depended on technology, there were still not any adequate spells to connect magic and technology. Wizards had simply been idly resting in tradition for too many years to catch up with the fast development of the world around them.

“I mean how much magical advancement have we had in the last couple hundred years?” James points his thoughts out sarcastically. “You really can’t expect wizards to make new discoveries in magic this quickly. I mean Regulus! What about our traditions! Our values! Our pure wizarding ways!”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to stray from the traditional values,” Regulus deadpans.

“I know, you love them nearly as much as Sirius,” teases James.

Regulus doesn’t rise to the bait. “So what solution have you found? How do you want to fake photos?”

James grins, a small sparkle of mischief forming in his eyes. This feels exactly like suggesting prank ideas to his friends back in school. “We won’t fake them at all!” He reaches into his backpack, revealing a Polaroid camera.

He can see the gears slowly turning in Regulus’ brain before he recognises what James is presenting him with. When it clicks, all Regulus says is, “Oh.”

James frowns at the lack of enthusiasm. “Oh?”

“That’s ... actually kind of smart,” Regulus admits begrudgingly.

“Is it really that terrible to admit I have good ideas?”

“Yes,” Regulus says instantly. Then he scrunches his nose and huffs, “It makes sense, though. If we wanted to not have anyone find out about us we’d try to hide evidence as best we can, so we’d probably take very few phone selfies at the beginning when we’re still careful about not being caught... And I’m sure you’d be annoying to still insist we document our time in some way or another. So taking photos for the past on that thing now, and then now that we are being less careful–” he makes air quotes with his fingers “–we start taking normal phone selfies because it’s easier... Yeah, that’s actually not stupid...”

“Glad you recognise my genius!” James smirks. In truth, he hadn’t put that much thought into it, even if Regulus is correct about all he’s said. But James isn’t going to say that. Regulus recognising James has made a good point, even if he didn’t mean to make it that good? He has to revel in that rare happenstance.

Regulus sighs and takes a sip of his drink. “So, what kind of dates have we been on?”

“I mean, this one, obviously,” James declares and holds up the camera. “May I?”

James really should have known that Regulus would be a great actor. He’s spent all his life being taught how to play the perfect pureblood son, after all. He’d have to have picked up something from that. And somehow it still startles James how quickly he makes the switch, how easily he drops the scowl, props his elbow on the table to rest his chin on his hand, while with the other he holds the straw of his drink to his lips, giving James a soft smile. In fact, it takes James off guard so much, that for a second his brain fails to catch up with the situation and his stomach gives such an intense swoop that it presses a small breath out through his lips.

The second passes quick enough, luckily, and James’ brain gets the memo that this is a fake smile. Regulus is merely an excellent actor who apparently has no problem putting on a mask of pure loving when he looks at James. (Still, it doesn’t really help with the fact that he now knows what Regulus would look like if James’ feelings were returned and he is most definitely filing that information away in his brain for his abundance of fantasies.)

James shakes himself out of his stupor before Regulus can catch on to his thought process and quickly lifts the camera in front of his eyes and presses the release. While the camera does its printing thing, James hums nonchalantly, “If this is how you’re going to play it then you might just convince me along with all our friends that this is real.”

“What?” The word gets punched out of Regulus and an angry blush creeps up on his face.

James hurries to reply, “Sorry, I just meant that was a very convincing look. I didn’t expect you to actually be able to sell this so well.”

Regulus doesn’t say anything, his cheeks just getting redder by the second.

“I didn’t mean to insinuate that you might actually like me, I’m sorry,” James tries again. “It was meant as a... I guess a weird kind of compliment on your acting skills...”

“Thanks,” Regulus mumbles, hiding his face behind taking a gulp of his drink, completely forgoing the straw this time.

James looks down at the photo, slowly fading into visibility. It’s absolutely gorgeous. Because of course it is, how could it not when it shows Regulus. “I’m going to put this up on the wall in my room, if you don’t mind. It’ll disappear enough between the other photos that it won’t look suspicious, but if anyone takes a minute they’ll definitely notice it. You okay with that?”

Regulus gives an affirmative hum.

“Excellent.” James tugs the photo into the designated pocket in the camera case. “Do you also want to take one? Or do one together here?”

Regulus shakes his head. “What other dates did you have in mind?”

“Walk along the river with a picnic at the end,” James says far too quickly. He’s definitely thought about this too much before. “Just a quiet night home only the two of us, nice food and a film. We could definitely make this several dates. Oh, and maybe you could accompany me to the Elqueue stadium. Mary said I should take a selfie there to prove I actually went there today. We could also just go for a fly and use that as a date excuse?”

Regulus peaks up. “You can just go there?”

“I’m on first name basis with the security guy, he usually lets me in outside of training times when I ask.” James shrugs. It’s no big deal to him, after all, half his week he spends in that stadium.

Regulus looks really rather jealous at that.

 

—

 

After lunch they swing by Regulus’ flat for snapping a quick photo of James in Regulus’ kitchen and a change of clothes (“If we wear the exact same thing in every one of our photos it doesn’t matter how well we fake the dates, no one will believe us, James.”) before heading back to James’ place. On the way out the door James halts and asks, looking at Regulus quizzically, “Where is your broom?”

“I don’t have a broom,” Regulus says neutrally, overplaying the devastation he still feels whenever he thinks too long about that fact.

“What? Why not?”

“They’re expensive.” He really doesn’t mean to sound so bitter about it.

“But what happened to your old broom? That was an excellent model.”

“You’re going to hate the answer.”

James’ eyes go wide. “Did you break it?” he asks aghast.

That at least makes Regulus laugh in surprise. “No, not quite that bad,” he soothes James’ terror. “My parents confiscated it when I started my healer studies.”

“What?” James practically shouts.

Regulus shrugs. Pretends like he isn’t still heartbroken and angry about that. “I used to go flying to clear my mind from studying, but in their opinion I spent too much time on my broom and not enough actually studying, so they took it away. They bought it, so it was their full right.”

“It wasn’t,” James seethes. “They gifted it to you, so it was yours, and they can’t just take that away?”

“Well, they did.”

James is still visibly fuming. “So how have you been flying all these years?”

Regulus looks at him blankly.

“You have been flying since then, right?”

Regulus just blinks slowly.

James looks like he’s going to start crying any moment. “Regulus, when was the last time you actually played Quidditch?”

“Seventh year, against Hufflepuff.”

James doesn’t even manage to shout out another what?, that’s how pained he looks.

“Where would I play anyway? I don’t have the money to get myself a new broom and I’m not on any teams or anything.”

James takes a deep breath, collecting himself. “You should start again. I know they have another team for casual games at Elqueue, they have training on Thursdays after the kids training. You could play there, they also have reserve brooms you can borrow.”

Regulus shrugs. “I’ve not played in so long, it feels weird starting again,” he admits. “Plus from what I’ve heard it’s a little too casual. I don’t want to only play for fun. If my teammates are only there to enjoy themselves with no idea how to actually play I don’t want it, I still have some standards.” He actually still has an awful lot of standards. If he wants to play, he wants to do it properly.

“So you’d rather not play at all than play with people who are worse than you?”

Regulus nods. “I’d rather daydream about it and miss it than ruin all of my enjoyment for the sport by letting others frustrate me this badly.”

James gives him a long wistful look, seeing something that Regulus can’t follow. He finally blinks the thought away, then says with certainty, “Not playing Quidditch for so long when you were this incredibly good in school should be illegal. I’m definitely going to use more of our fake dates as a cover to steal you away to go flying.”

Regulus laughs softly. The way James is offended on his behalf for his lack of opportunity to fly is really quite sweet. And he can’t deny that he is already getting a bit giddy at the prospect of getting back on a broom for the first time in years.

“Should we get going?” Regulus prompts. “If we keep standing in my doorway you won’t have time to get me back on a broom today, considering we still wanted to take photos at yours...”

“Right. Yes. My place,” James nods and finally properly steps out of Regulus’ flat.

It’s an odd sensation of relief and regret. Regulus can’t remember the last time James was in his flat. He definitely has been before, once or twice, but his and Barty’s flat wasn’t really made for a big group of people, so it has rarely ever been their flat that got chosen for friend group nights. He’s certainly never had James here on his own. It felt nearly too intimate for Regulus’ taste. Having James see how he lives. Where he keeps his coffee cups and how he stores away his coats next to the door. Mundane things, but things that people usually don’t just know about him. It terrifies him a little, maybe because he is scared to be seen, maybe because he craves it too much, so he is glad when he gets to lock the door behind himself and push that feeling away for now.

 

Being at James’ flat is starting to feel a lot more familiar, certainly a lot more familiar than he ever thought he’d ever feel there of all places. He likes the flat, it feels warm and welcoming and so unbearably James it makes his heart ache. This isn’t just a flat to live in while pursuing a degree, it is a home and Regulus is a bit jealous about that, too.

“So, movie night, right?” James confirms.

Regulus nods, looking around a little uncertainly.

James doesn’t seem to notice, simply disappears into his room and a second later comes back with a fluffy blanket, which he promptly throws at Regulus. “Make yourself comfy on the sofa, I’ll do the lights.”

Regulus does as told. He wraps the blanket around himself and snuggles into the sofa cushions while James dims the lights in his living room. He then opens a random video on his laptop to mimic the correct lighting of watching a movie, before joining Regulus on the sofa.

Regulus can feel his heart beat faster. This feels a little too real, the dimmed light a little too romantic and his cheeks a little too warm.

“Look here for a second,” James murmurs, the camera already raised to his face.

Regulus turns his head and lets himself relax. Not quite as much as he did at the café, he will not be making that mistake again so soon, but enough that his true feelings are peaking through. The comfort. The edges of love. The trust he unfortunately feels whenever he is around James. He lets them all spill over the tiniest bit with a small smile and a light blush until James takes a photo.

“Beautiful,” James hums a little too earnestly, which makes Regulus scowl and raise his middle finger at him.

James laughs and immediately takes another photo. “Now that’s the you I know.”

Yeah, the Regulus that doesn’t know how to deal with affection when it makes him want to throw all his cautions out the window and fall into James’ arms, as if that’s something he can just do.

As if James could read his mind he asks, “Mind if I like, uh... kind of cuddle against you? So we can take a photo together?”

Regulus isn’t sure if it’s just the dimmed light or if James is actually blushing.

He braces himself. Lets the butterflies struggle for half a second. Then he shifts on the sofa and wordlessly leans against James’ chest, wrapping the blanket around both of them.

He really isn’t a good person. Someone better than him wouldn’t take advantage of the situation this much. But Regulus isn’t someone better, he is only himself, and honestly, he thinks after a decade of pining he deserves to indulge a little. He’s suffered enough with all his stupid unrequited feelings. It’s only fair that he enjoys whatever affection he can get out of it now. He nestles closer against James, melting into the warmth of his body seeping through his shirt, and looks up at him through his lashes.

James is most definitely blushing now.

Good to know that even James isn’t immune to this look. It makes Regulus feel incredibly powerful when he lets his tongue dart out to wet his lips and James’ gaze drops momentarily, before he clears his throat and picks up the camera again.

“Smile,” James says, his voice a little croaky. Regulus doesn’t bother. Just keeps looking up at James, who, still flushed, grins at the camera he is holding an arm’s length away.

Regulus silently curses the hum of the printing process that means he has no reason anymore to be snuggled up against James. He sits up straight and watches the photo drop into James’ hand.

Wordlessly they wait for the ink to lighten into a visible motif.

“That works I guess,” Regulus says into the silence.

The photo doesn’t look like they’re only casually fucking. Certainly not like they’re just friends. Honestly, if they tried to convince their friends that they’re actually in love, this might just sell it. It looks so incredibly domestic, a perfect display of two people being comfortable with each other while still being excited about the other’s company.

It hurts a little to look at.

Regulus wants this. He craves this. Has been craving it for long enough that it feels like it’s all he’s ever done. To think he can have a shadow of the real thing for barely two months and then go back to a different reality feels cruel.

After a heavy silence in which both of them watch themselves on the photo, James finally agrees. “Yeah, that works.”

 

—

 

James is slowly getting used to having Regulus in his flat. Which is a rather weird discovery to make. Of all the people he thought he’d get to get used to in his personal living space, Regulus was rather low on the list.

What he certainly isn’t used to yet is having Regulus be cuddled up against him. It was barely a minute – their body’s pressed together flush, Regulus gazing up at him through long lashes – but it was more than enough to leave a significant impression on James.

This whole plan was a fucking dumb idea. He knew so from the beginning, he should have kept refusing, because this– this is what he is stuck with now for the next couple weeks. Regulus being soft with him. Regulus pretending to let down his guard around him. Regulus looking at him and touching him and planning out hypothetical dates.

James only reprieve is that they’re acting out a secret relationship. At least he won’t have to endure this all the time. (He wants to, though. Sure, it hurts remembering that it’s all a lie. But the moments before that? It all might be worth it, just for those.)

James has just packed his bag for their trip to the Elqueue stadium and is now in the middle of changing into his sports clothes when in the reflection of his wardrobe mirror he notices Regulus, already in the change of clothes he brought, frozen by the door, staring at James’ back, very clearly checking him out. James would be lying if he said he wasn’t incredibly pleased about it. With a smirk he turns around. “Like what you see?”

“I’ve seen worse,” Regulus says with a stony expression, although the pink tips of his ears betray his indifference.

“I don’t doubt that,” James teases. “Can’t be difficult to find people who look worse than me. That’s gotta be, like, every single person ever.”

Regulus looks wholly unimpressed. “You’d look a lot better if your ego didn’t show as much.”

“I think it adds to my charm,” James declares. “According to Marlene I have a lot of people thirsting over me on the internet, so the popular opinion agrees with me.”

“Because that’s what we fucking needed. James Potter with an even more inflated superiority complex...”

“Hey,” James pouts, balling up the shirt in his hands to throw it at Regulus and make him shut up. He simply catches it out of the air though, instead of letting it be flung into his face as James had intended. “I don’t have a superiority complex. I am simply very aware of the fact that my dedication and commitment to all my hours of sports are paying off in more ways than one. Why shouldn’t I be a little cocky about that when it’s true and I’ve put work into it?”

“A little cocky,” Regulus mocks.

“Don’t pretend as if you don’t agree, Reg, I saw you checking me out just now.” He spreads his arms and gives a little spin. “Feel free to continue, I like your eyes on me!” He gives a wink across his shoulder before facing Regulus properly again who has turned considerably more red.

“You’re going to get absolutely unbearable when the Catapults sign you and Witch Weekly finds out about you. I can already imagine all the shirtless shoots that’ll have little girls send you love potions inside your fan mail.”

James grimaces. He’s aware of Witch Weekly’s obsession with Quidditch players. He’s not deluding himself into believing he won't fall victim to that as well sooner or later. “Yeah that doesn’t sound all that fun. Maybe I’ll keep the shirtless photos to myself,” he decides and promptly puts on a new shirt just to prove his point.

“You will disappoint so many people.”

“Including you, of course,” James teases.

“Of course,” Regulus says dryly. James is never entirely sure when Regulus is being sarcastic and when not, so this time, for his own sake, he decides it wasn’t sarcasm at all.

He grabs his broom, shrinks it and stores it in his sports bag with the other change of clothes and his protective gear, then turns back to Regulus. “Are you ready to go?” His eyes flick down to the shirt still hanging between Regulus’ fingers. “Oh, you can just throw that over the chair there, don’t bother with folding it.”

Regulus looks down at his hands and considers the red piece of fabric for a moment. “Actually, do you mind if I keep this?”

James is sure something in his brain must have gotten broken when Regulus was cuddling him on the sofa earlier, because there is no way that is really what Regulus just asked him. “What?” he says taken aback.

“Do you need this shirt? I’ll obviously give it back to you after you signed your contract with the Catapults and all, but until then, can you part with it?”

Apparently not a brain malfunction. At least not until now. “I, uh... why?”

“Even if my friends didn’t know my wardrobe, this–” and he pointedly lifts the shirt “–is so glaringly not mine, anyone getting a glimpse of it in my room could figure out where I got it from. If we want to be convincing, this is a rather dead cert.”

“What–” James has to clear his throat, his voice failing him for a second. Again. “What are we trying to imply with my shirt at your place exactly?”

Regulus shrugs, unbothered. “I stayed a night here. Borrowed a shirt to sleep in. Decided to steal it.”

“That’s not very ‘casual, let’s see where it’s going’, is it?”

“If this was real and we’d been going out for at this point, what, five weeks? I’d definitely be stealing your clothes, James. Just because you wouldn’t want to sleep with me by now doesn’t mean I wouldn’t still want to get off to you.”

It is James’ turn to flush brightly. Yeah. Yeah, alright. He can deal with this. He is totally fine right now and not at all picturing Regulus, wearing nothing but James’ shirt and thinking of him while he is touching himself alone in his bed. He is being incredibly normal about this, in fact, and has only rational thoughts about how to make fake dating seem very convincing. “Yeah,” he croaks, fully giving up on even attempting to get his voice to sound normal. “Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Feel free to steal my clothes.”

Regulus tilts his head and studies James carefully. “Is this crossing your boundaries? Am I making you uncomfortable with the implication that–”

“No, you’re good,” James hurries to say. Regulus doesn’t need to know that the embarrassment is wholly because of James’ own reaction to, and not due to Regulus talking about getting off to him. “Feel free to use me and my shirts as wanking material, I don’t mind.” He gives a crooked grin, the blood slowly leaving his cheeks again now that he’s found his way back to teasing and flirting and making mildly (very) inappropriate comments. “Keep in mind though, that’ll definitely make my ego even bigger.”

“Guess I’ll have to keep my hands off myself while thinking about you then. Bummer.” How Regulus manages to say this with a completely detached intonation is an utter mystery to James.

“Bummer indeed,” he agrees. “Guess I’ll have to feed my ego in other ways.” He gives Regulus a wide grin. “Ready for some flying lessons?”

“I know how to fly just fine, thank you,” Regulus snaps affronted. After a moment of pause he adds, “I do really want to fly again though, so yes, please, let’s go.”

 

—

 

“And you’re sure he will just let us in?”

“Don’t worry, Gideon is a sweetheart, I’ll convince him one way or another.”

It is solely the fact that James only just told Regulus that he doesn’t do hookups that stops him from imagining James giving that Gideon guy a very convincing blowjob with how he phrased that.

Regulus still hasn’t quite gotten used to the idea. To be upset about it is such an unfair reaction to James, and yet he can’t really help it. Regulus knows he is attractive. And he knows that James knows. That James has been looking at him every now and then. And until that conversation ... well, as embarrassing as it is to even think about, until that conversation Regulus had convinced himself that one day he would break James enough for him to want to take Regulus home. Not that he saw that happening any time soon, but he had held onto the hope that if he just figured out James’ type enough he could get there eventually. He always assumed James liked sleeping around, that all that making out with strangers in bars was just the first step of a longer process of intimacy. And if he liked sleeping around that much then surely Regulus had a chance there as well.

Not that any of that matters anymore.

Regulus doesn’t care, he’s decided. Really, he doesn’t. He’s had the same bothersome feelings for James for long enough that most days they don’t matter anymore. Sure, maybe the people he usually dates follow a bit of a pattern, tall and sunny and able to manhandle him when he wants them to, but so what? He is allowed to have a type. And his feelings for James have nothing to do with that. So he doesn’t care. It makes it easier anyway. Lets him focus his efforts on other people.

When the door James knocks on opens, Regulus considers to focus his efforts right there.

Gideon is gorgeous. Tall and broad with fiery red hair and an abundance of freckles across his face and arms. He is considerably older than Regulus by the looks of it, but Regulus certainly doesn’t mind that aspect. What does put him off a bit is that he looks somehow very straight, which is only amplified when he greets James with what Regulus can only describe as a bro hug and an, “Ey, Potter, how’s it going?”

“Absolutely excellent,” James grins, giving Gideon a clap on the back before pulling back. “Do you think you could let us in for an hour or two? The stadium should be empty today, right?”

Gideon eyes Regulus warily. He doesn’t once let his eyes wander, which, considering that is the usual reaction Regulus gets is a bit insulting and only solidifies his assumption that this is in fact a straight man.

“Who is he?” Gideon asks. “Not that I think you’re smuggling untrustworthy people in here, but I’m already bending my job description by letting you in.”

James gives Regulus a questioning look and Regulus realises that with all the planning they’ve made they’ve actually not talked about this properly. He gives a miniscule shrug. No time like the future to test out how well their lies will hold up.

“Uhm,” James tries, a waver of very convincing embarrassment lining his words, “he’s my date.”

Oh, this is doing something to him.

Gideon’s face splits into a wide grin, clearly buying it all. “Well, I wouldn’t want to ruin your date for you. I hope you’re as Quidditch obsessed as this one is, or I fear this might not work out so well,” he adds with a wink for Regulus.

Before Regulus even gets a chance to reply, James blurts out, “Regulus is incredible. He could have easily gone pro as well if he had wanted to. But I guess it’s better he didn’t, I wouldn’t want to have to play against him and make him lose...”

Regulus raises one eyebrow at him. “Might I remind you that the majority of the games we played against each other at Hogwarts I won?”

“I don’t think it was the majority!” James huffs indignantly. “And one year I didn’t even get to play because Madame Pomfrey insisted a little skull fracture would make me ‘unfit for Quidditch’.” He pushes his bag higher on his shoulder to free his hands for necessary accompanying air quotes, very clearly still annoyed at the Healer’s diagnosis even after all these years.

Regulus remembers that match. It had been a crap one. Without James the entire Gryffindor team had played terribly, team morale absolutely shattered, which was already enough to ruin the spirit for everyone on the pitch. Playing an unbalanced game simply wasn’t fair or fun. And on top of that Regulus had been incredibly anxious, worried about James and his brother on top of that because, of course, he had kept watch on James’ bedside, but all Regulus had been told was that they were both in the Hospital Wing. The match honestly sucked and he doesn’t like to count it as a win against James either.

“We would have won either way,” he says nonetheless. “You had this really incompetent Seeker that year, he would have never gotten the Snitch before me, no matter how much you could have scored for the Snitch advantage.”

“Yeah, well, that’s hardly on me. Actually you’re kind of proving my point here.”

Regulus blinks at James taken aback. “How in Merlin’s name am I proving your point here?”

A snorting laugh from next to them makes Regulus remember that there is a third person present. For a second it had only been James and him in the world.

“I’ll let you get on with the flirting in there,” Gideon announces and hands James the keys to the locker rooms. “You know the drill, drop them off here afterwards. Just make sure you’re done by eight, there’s a private booking logged in for then.”

James pockets the key and nods. “We’ll definitely be done before then, thanks so much Prewett, one day you gotta accept that invite for a pint.”

Gideon waves him off. “You’re good, mate. Have fun with your date.” He turns to leave, then suddenly recalls, “Oh, by the way, Charlie says hi. I’m pretty sure he’s going to write you a letter some time, boy is obsessed with you.”

James lights up. “Really? I’m very much looking forward to that. Give him all my best, will you?”

Gideon salutes in confirmation and with that waves them down into the stadium.

“Who’s Charlie?” Regulus asks, eyebrows drawn together.

“Gideon’s nephew. He was one of the kids I taught up until recently. That kid flew like he was determined to grow wings. If in ten years he ends up being Seeker for England I would not be surprised one bit.”

Maybe Regulus shouldn’t have gotten so flustered about what James said about him earlier. Maybe he just thinks everyone who mildly cares about Quidditch could go pro eventually.

 

James finds Regulus a practice Snitch and a broom from the Elqueue supplies. The broom is fine. It’s certainly better than what lived in Hogwarts’ broom shack, but even compared to Regulus old broom it isn’t the best model. He doesn’t want to complain, though. Not when this is very much a favour he’s being granted here, and not when this is the first time in nearly three years he’s gotten the chance to fly at all.

James insists on warming up by stretching and jogging around the pitch. He tries to recruit Regulus to his training methods as well, but even if Regulus was a fan of running he would refuse right now. He is far too giddy to get back into the air.

Just before take-off he feels a surge of panic. What if he’s forgotten how to do this? What if the broom won’t listen to him and he will not only embarrass himself in front of James but also be forced to admit that one of the few skills he’s always prided himself with is lost? But then he pushes off the ground and all of those thoughts don’t matter anymore.

Merlin, he’s fucking missed this.

The wind rushes in his ears, tousling his hair and he feels free, like the last little remnants that tethered him down to life at Grimmauld Place are finally also falling away, caught in the turbulence and dispersed into nothingness. A laugh bubbles up inside of him and he lets it out freely, leaning flat on his broom and flying straight through one of the goal posts.

“You know,” comes a warm voice from below him, “just ‘cause you still fly like you never stopped doesn’t mean warming up still wouldn’t be a good idea.”

“Ah, get lost, Potter,” Regulus says cheerfully.

James catches up with him easily, flying besides him. “I thought I could join you instead,” he says. “I brought the Snitch for a reason. I thought we could race.”

“Don’t you have a game to train for?” Regulus asks with a raised eyebrow.

James shrugs. “I don’t see why this can’t be training. Might not be my standard way of going about it, but it’s still focussed on speed and reaction time. Plus,” he adds with a wink, “dates are supposed to be fun as well.”

Regulus rolls his eyes. “Just release the Snitch and let me catch up on all that fun I’ve been missing out on.”

James pulls the little golden ball from his pocket and holds it out. Before letting go of it he says, “Just keep in mind that I am a Chaser, so if you end up catching it first you do not get to hold that over my head.”

Regulus smirks at him. “I’m flying on a broom I’m not familiar with and it is a lot slower than I’d like, and definitely slower than yours. Plus, considering I’ve not flown at all in several years I’d say I have every right to hold it over your head when I catch the Snitch.”

“Now, who is being cocky?” James opens his palm and they both watch the silver wings flutter, then blur with the surroundings as the Snitch flies off.

 

—

 

James has to admit, Regulus had every right to be cocky. Despite not having flown in so long he caught the Snitch three out of the five times they let it loose, with only just missing the fourth catch because James used a rather mean (though legal) tactic to get Regulus off course a fraction of a second before his flingers had the chance to close around the Snitch. Which Regulus is still grumbling about while they make their way back inside.

“Stop pouting, you still won!”

“Yes, but I could have won better, which I would have, if you hadn’t played dirty.”

“No dirty playing,” James promises. “I’ve just had several more years of very professional training than you. I am better at flying than you, as I absolutely should be with the amount of effort I’ve put into improving. And considering all that, you’ve done incredible, Reg.”

Regulus gives him a glare. “If you’re trying to make this sound like a compliment you’re not doing a very good job. You’re not even a Seeker, you should be miles worse at this than me.”

With the tip of his broom James gently pokes Regulus in the side, making him squirm away. He’s ticklish, James recognises with delight. “I’m sticking to it. If you want to go pro you definitely should. If this is how you fly with several years of no training I can only imagine the things you’ll do when you get a proper training schedule. They’d be fighting over you in no time.”

This, at least, seems to placate Regulus a little. “If my studies don’t get me anywhere I might consider it,” he hums, which makes James laugh, considering he is going the exact opposite approach. He says as much. “We can’t all choose brawns over brain,” Regulus shrugs. “Some of us actually have a brain that’s too good to let go to waste.”

“Your mean words can’t hurt me,” James grins, completely endeared by the banter. “I know I’m super smart. Minnie actually told me so herself and how often have you heard her give direct and very broadly spoken praise?”

For once Regulus doesn’t immediately manage to hide how impressed he is. James’ grin only widens.

Regulus rolls his eyes when he realises that James caught onto his moment of sincerity. “I don’t know if anyone has ever told you, but peaking in school is actually nothing to brag about. If McGonagall was the last person to have called me smart I wouldn’t go shouting that from the rooftops.”

James’ smile falters at that. Because Regulus is right. He was brilliant in school, without a question, literally the top of his class pretty much everywhere where Sirius wasn’t, and he didn’t even have to work for it. All it took was paying attention in class every now and then and he got it all. Even for his N.E.W.T.s he had barely studied for more than two days and he had passed them all with congratulations from the examiners.

And now? Even if he knew how to study he doubts it would help much. He feels like he knows fuck all while everyone around him has no problem talking about those same topics as if it was the weather. In half his classes he knows so little he couldn’t even ask for help even if he was someone who didn’t have to figure out everything out on his own, because he gets the subject so little he doesn’t even understand what he doesn’t understand. So yeah, Regulus hit exactly where James is already bruised.

When James doesn’t come up with a snarky remark in return, Regulus awkwardly twists his broom in his hands. Into the silence he asks, “Weren’t you supposed to take a selfie to prove something to Mary?”

James takes the subject change with a silent sigh of relief. He had completely forgotten about this. “Ah, fuck, I probably should have done that before the training, I don’t think I exactly look like I only had a strategy training...” he chuckles a little, too eager to leave the previous topic behind.

Regulus, thankfully, simply runs with it and gives him a long look up and down, taking in the shirt stuck to his chest with sweat, his flushed face, the damp curls plastered to his forehead. “Does your strategy training usually involve immediately after trying out all the strategies discussed?”

“No...”

“Then no, you don’t exactly look like you only had a strategy training.” He huffs out a little laugh. “Hey, no reason to look so put off, the entire point of this is that they figure out that we are lying.” A moment of hesitation. “Make them believe we are lying.”

“I think we should stop trying to figure out the correct terminology, this plan has too many layers to make it make sense in a sentence.”

“Skill issue,” mumbles Regulus.

“You were the one struggling just now?” James says indignantly.

“Simply tried to make it clear for your slow brain,” Regulus rebuts automatically without a second of hesitation.

To which James has no idea what to reply, his own insecurities still aching a little too much for that moment. Usually he loves these kinds of comments from Regulus, always making him feel a little giddy, but right now it feels a bit too real. So he does the only logical thing he can think of to remove himself from the moment, which is to bring the conversation back to the topic at hand. “Are you also up for taking a date selfie? Something, I don’t know, vaguely cute maybe?” He pushes the door to the office where they left their bags open, holding it until Regulus has gone inside.

“Something cute?”

James fights with himself for a moment, but ultimately he gives in. Maybe he really is too self-destructive to fake date his years long crush. “Like a cheek kiss or something. Whatever you’re comfortab–”

“Sure,” Regulus says quickly, then proceeds to blush. “Sounds fine,” he adds. “gotta look vaguely couple-y at some point...”

James raises his eyebrows in surprise, a teasing grin slowly creeping on his face. At some point. As if that one photo they took at his flat earlier didn’t already look rather couple-y. “Do you want to take cute selfies with me?”

“Oh don’t flatter yourself, Potter. Come here and just get it over with.”

James very much does flatter himself, actually. So what if Regulus has no deeper interest in him, at least today has proven that he thinks James is hot, which James can settle for for now.

He digs through his sports bag until he emerges with his phone and an Aha! of success. He leans his broom against the wall, then holds his phone-free hand out to beckon Regulus closer. “Normal selfie is fine with you? I didn’t actually bring the camera, but I guess now is a good as any other time to pretend we’re getting lax with our carefulness.”

As reply Regulus strolls over to him. Despite the nod he gives he suddenly looks a lot less eager to get the photo done.

“We don’t have to if you don’t w–”

“Just do it,” Regulus interrupts.

Still, James decides to take the lead, just so Regulus can stop looking so unsure of himself. “If anything makes you uncomfortable, feel free to tell me off or step on my foot or something. Alright?”

He waits for Regulus to give another nod before he wraps his arm around his waist and pulls him closer against his side, tilting his head down slightly to be at the same height as him.

Strangely enough in a way this feels a lot more intimate than their short cuddle session on the sofa. Maybe because James rarely ever sits on that sofa with other people without cuddling them. Maybe because Regulus is warm against him, his shirt slightly damp beneath James’ fingers, which should be uncomfortable, but only makes James want to dig his fingers deeper into his skin past the barrier of fabric. Maybe because he smells like Quidditch pitch and a good work-out and James finds that so unbearably attractive it is really rather worrying. He tries not to think about it too much, simply angles his phone so that they’re both in frame and grins at the flushed and smiling Regulus on the screen. He takes one photo, then turns his head to press a kiss into Regulus’ hair, quickly taking another blind photo before pulling back.

He doesn’t want to make this weird, doesn’t want to abuse their agreement for his own enjoyment. He doesn’t have the right to, not when this is supposed to be a purely strategic process, no emotions involved, to help him out.

James swipes across his phone to look at the pictures he took. They’re incredibly adorable. Regulus is practically glowing from his post-Quidditch happiness and James... well, despite his best efforts to hide it, James looks disgustingly in love. If this is what he always looks like in photos he is honestly not surprised that so many of Marlene’s followers figured out his crush on Regulus...

“Do they work for you?” James asks carefully.

Regulus looks at the photos for a moment longer, then nods. “Can you send them to me?”

“You want them?” James asks surprised.

“We’re pretending we’re getting negligent with our secrecy, right?”

James nods.

“Then yes, I’d want them. They’re nice.”

James doesn’t say how happy it makes him to hear that. He heard the hypothetical in there, but for the moment he has very little problem ignoring it for the reality where Regulus asked to have selfies of himself and James. He quickly taps on his phone, sending the photos to Regulus along with a little heart, for good measure. This one isn’t even for any kind of pretence. It’s just because he can.

Notes:

ok first of all you are not allowed to call me out on the polaroid camera thing. you don't know how long i've tried to come up with an alternative for this so i don't make this A Thing in my fics, but nothing seemed to make sense with the world i set up. i couldn't find a way they wouldn't fuck my plans up otherwise so bear with me for this moment please

look at them speed running dates!! aren't they just absolutely adorable <333

also burnt out smart kid james my beloved <33 look at thim struggling i love it when he suffers a little :)

the rilke poem in question is sonnet XVI of the sonnets to orpheus btw, in case anyone wants to look it up

find me on tumblr

Chapter 7: With Friends Like These Who Needs Anybody Else

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Anybody Else by Dom Fera

warning for this chapter for self harm. it's not described in detail, but it is there. I'll put a little more info on this in the end notes for anyone who needs it
also heads up, basically everyone in this chapter is terrible and having a terrible time. i'm sorry

James rides the high of his day spent with Regulus for the rest of the week. He genuinely considers changing his lock screen to the selfie they took together, but ultimately has to admit to himself that that would be a bit much. And not even just because they’re still pretending to have a secret relationship.

Mary calls him out when he sends her his own selfie from the Elqueue headquarters. It doesn’t bother him, now that it is part of this grand scheme he has with Regulus. Honestly it makes him rather giddy these days when his friends tease him about his supposed relationship with him. Because regardless of the fact that he’s still not dating Regulus, he does share something with him that no one else does. (And now that he doesn’t have to worry about Regulus being pissed off by the misunderstanding anymore he also has to admit that the implication that the two of them could have something going on simply makes him feel excited. He likes the idea that people think he and Regulus are together. That they could be together.)

On Sunday afternoon Lily comes by his flat. Brewing the Pepper Up Potion had taken a lot longer than either of them had expected, but James doesn’t begrudge her that. He knows her studies keep her busy at all hours of the day, so he’s grateful she’s doing this for him at all. Not that he thinks the potion is actually going to help with the anxiety, Regulus had made that clear enough to him, but it surely can’t hurt. Having some at home is never a bad idea. At least this way he won’t have anything more to worry about before his next match, if he should simply start feeling under the weather for completely panic unrelated reasons.

“Are you doing alright?” Lily asks him once he’s accepted the two small vials of potion from her and has stored them away in his medicine cabinet.

“Hm? Oh yeah, this is more a just in case thing. My last one turned purple already so I had to get rid of it. I’d rather be prepared right now, I can’t really afford feeling off at the moment, not before I’m done with all the trial matches.”

“I’m sorry I missed the last one.”

James laughs lightly. “Ah, shut up, you’ve never really enjoyed the game.”

Lily grins sheepishly, “Nah, I haven’t.”

“Besides,” James adds, “you’re about to have your exam, right? You’re spending at least as much time in the lab as me on the pitch, I really can’t fault you here.”

Lily gives a small, pained noise and nods. “I love potions, I really do, but I hate the way the exams are structured. Every time anyone so much as mentions Dittany my eye starts twitching, I’m so over it. Just let me brew something that’s not an antidote for once, please.”

“Sorry for adding to it even more,” James says abashed. “Had you said anything I could have made an order somewhere.”

“You’re good, James, don’t worry. It was barely an inconvenience. As long as you stay healthy...”

“Trying my best,” he promises.

“Anyway, I also meant to ask, I have a game night planned with the girls and you have objectively better board games than me, could I borrow one or two?”

“As long as you tell them that I’m the one with the better games, sure,” James grins. “Most of them are in the bookshelf in the living room, but if you’re looking for any of the peculiar ones no one ever wants to play, I have them in my bedroom. You know the way, I’ll let you look in peace, take as many as you want.”

Lily hums contently and makes her way to the bookshelf behind James’ sofa, carding through the boxes of games. James watches her for a while, commenting on this game and that whenever Lily pulls one out from the pile or discards it, but eventually turns his attention to the book he’s been trying to read for the past five months. He loves having Lily over. He never feels like he has to give her his constant, unwavering attention. Doesn’t even mind that she sees his chaotic bedroom. She’s seen worse, endured it for several years and never stopped loving him over it, not even when they eventually broke up.

“I’ve found a couple games I wanna take,” Lily announces several minutes later. A couple games turn out to fill her arms enough that she has trouble peaking over the top.

“How long is your game night supposed to be again?” James asks with raised eyebrows.

Lily places the games on the sofa, then shrugs. “Better too many games than not enough. How urgently do you need them back?”

“Probably not for the foreseeable future. You can probably just bring them back when we do a game night with the whole group next. I’ll let you know,” James hums, then points at one of the boxes. “You have to explain the rules to that one to me if you end up playing it, I actually haven’t tried that yet, no idea how it works.”

“I shall let you know,” Lily promises, then performs a simple Shrinking Charm on the games and carefully stores them in the bag she brought, assumably exactly for this reason. “Very cute addition to your photo wall by the way,” she adds casually.

“Mm?” James asks.

“The photo of Regulus? It’s very adorable.”

“Oh,” James says, feeling his face heat up. “Thank you. I’m working on my photography skills.”

“Uh huh,” Lily smirks, “I’m sure Regulus was a very willing model.”

He’s getting properly flushed now. “Shush, go away.” He picks up a pillow and throws it at Lily.

Laughing, she dodges it, then, with a flick of the wand she is still holding, hurls it back at James. “For the record, I think you’re sweet together.”

“We’re not together,” James denies. It doesn’t matter that this is all pretend. He is absolutely flustered at his secret relationship being found out.

“’course not,” Lily agrees lightly. “Well, I think you’d be very sweet together. You should ask him out some time.” James loves her for humouring him. For pretending she isn’t convinced they’re already a couple.

James shakes his head anyway. “Nah, don’t think that’d be a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve failed at asking people out enough times to last me for the rest of my life, I’m good.”

“From personal experience I can tell you you’re also very good at succeeding at it,” Lily says happily and reaches down to ruffle James’ hair. “You know you can tell me, right?”

“I know,” James says truthfully, leaning into the touch.

“Good, that’s all that matters. I’ll be off then, I still need to go over my revision plan before Marls and Dorcas come over. Thanks again for the games.”

“Thanks again for the potion,” James returns. “Say hi to everyone from me?”

“Will do,” Lily promises. She leans down for a quick hug, then picks up the bag of games and leaves.

James watches the front door close behind her with a wave of fondness washing over him. Sure, Lily has an opinion she is convinced of, and convincing her of anything else will be straight up impossible. James has rarely ever met anyone else as stubborn as Lily Evans. But still, she’s waiting for James to come to her with the confirmation. Prods the subject gently, but when James doesn’t budge she lets go. There is no universe in which he would not have fallen in love with her at some point, and none in which he wouldn’t have kept loving her even after that. Being loved by Lily is one of the easiest things James has ever done, and the fact she is so earnestly in support of him and Regulus means the world to him.

 

“How was your game night?” James asks Marlene while he watches over his horde of very enthusiastic tiny Quidditch players figuring out how to best foul each other without either of the trainers noticing. (They’re noticing everything. They’re just choosing to ignore it as long as the children look like they’re enjoying it. A good level of fun is more important than playing by the rules at this age.)

“Lily won nearly all of the games, obviously,” Marlene sighs.

“Naturally.” Lily is a terrible loser and overly competitive so she’s found her ways of winning most games.

“Pandora did win at Cluedo and we also played some team games so it wasn’t too bad.”

“You don’t sound too enthused...”

“I’d also like to win every now and then.” Marlene shrugs. “Did get the newest gossip, though. I hear you have cute secret photos of Baby Black now.”

“It’s not secret,” James says. Marlene’s insistence on bringing up Regulus is honestly astounding. “I have photos of all my friends on that wall, I honestly can’t tell you why Lily singled the one of Reg out like that.”

“Maybe because according to her he is making heart eyes at you. I can’t even imagine Regulus with heart eyes. And you got a photo of that?”

“I caught him at a weak moment of thinking about Rilke and the Montrose Magpies Keeper,” James deadpans.

“Who the fuck is Rilke?”

“A French poet,” James says. “German poet. One of the two. He writes poems about his dog.”

“Understandable,” Marlene nods.

“Understandable,” James echoes.

“Sorry to interrupt,” calls a voice from across the field then and James sees Gideon jogging towards them. “Whoever the red gym bag with the little star tag is, their phone has been going off for the past fifteen minutes or so. Thought I’d tell you, it seems kind of important.”

“Oh.” James gives a worried glance to Marlene, then to the kids still flying around.

“Go,” Marlene waves him away, “I can watch them for a little while.”

James nods, gives a quick thanks to Gideon, then sprints back to the office where him and Marlene keep their things during work.

His phone is still ringing when he gets there. It’s Peter’s name on the display, which does not bode well, because Peter knows he is at work, and Peter is someone who prefers texting over calling any day. Dread eats through James’ insides, dripping into his blood stream, making his fingers tremble when he picks up.

“Pete?”

“James? Thank fuck. You need to come over, Sirius is doing really bad.”

Peter hasn’t even finished speaking when James is already collecting his things, stuffing his street clothes into his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. “Where are you?”

“Our flat,” Peter says.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” James promises. “Just need to check with Marlene.”

“I’ll let Sirius know,” Peter says. “Thank you.”

The call ends and James curses. This is absolutely shit timing. He runs back out onto the pitch, Marlene chatting with Gideon while looking over the kids. “I need to go,” he says, picking up his discarded broom and stuffing it into his sports bag a lot more carelessly than he usually would. “Sirius,” he gives the very short explanation.

Marlene instantly looks worried. “I got this here,” she says. “Please make sure he is fine.”

“I can also keep watch here for the last fifteen minutes, it’s all good James, I’ll cover for you.”

James nods thankful. “Hey,” he shouts, getting the attention of the last couple kids who still haven’t stopped the game to eavesdrop on James. “I have a family emergency I need to get to. I need you all to please behave and listen to Marlene. Alright?”

There is some shouting from the children, some curious questions about what will happen, but James doesn’t have the time to listen to it. “I’ll see you all next time,” he calls, then gives a goodbye wave into the round, and another thank you to Marlene and Gideon.

 

James makes it to Remus and Peter’s flat in record time, somehow, miraculously avoiding being seen as he apparates from one well used Muggle street into the next.

He doesn’t have to search for Sirius when he comes into the flat. His wails and sobs are audible enough.

It makes James feel slightly sick. Sirius hasn’t sounded like that since... honestly, since he ran away from his parents.

“Thank fuck you’re here,” Peter greets him, looking vaguely panicked.

“What happened?” James asks, but he doesn’t even wait for Peter to answer before he is already pushing past him into Remus’ room, where Sirius is currently a crumpled-up mess on the floor. Remus is holding him, or trying to, rather, as Sirius is violently rocking back and forth, trying to pull his hands from Remus’ grip to dig them back into the already scratched open skin of his arms.

James crouches down next to his best friend, placing a hand between his shoulder blades. “Sirius, hey, Pad–”

Sirius lurches forward into his arms, clinging hard onto him, face pressed into James’ sweaty Quidditch shirt. Careful to avoid the bloody scratches peaking out underneath the sleeves of Sirius’ shirt, James wraps his arms around him, replicating the same rocking motion Sirius did earlier, if a lot gentler. He gives Remus an apologetic look, feeling a little guilty that his comfort got refused for James’. Remus only shakes his head in understanding, keeping one hand on Sirius’ leg.

James just lets him cry, humming a soft “You’re okay, I’ve got you.” or “You’re safe. I love you,” into his hair every now and then until the wails slowly quiet down and only a steady shaking and small hiccups are left. Even then James just keeps holding him, and keeps holding him, until Sirius’ grip loosens and he pulls away to wipe the snot and tears off his face.

“I’m sorry,” he croaks.

“It’s alright,” James says. Sirius has no reason to be sorry, as far as James can tell, but that will be a lot harder to convince him off at the moment. “You wanna talk about it?”

Sirius flinches away from whatever thought is going through his mind and shakes his head no.

James hums. He’ll try that again in a minute.

“I’ve made peppermint tea,” Peter notes tentatively. “Should I get that?”

Next to him, Remus nods and mouths a thank you to Peter, who gives a quiet thumbs up and goes to get the tea.

James makes himself more comfortable on the floor, leaning back against the bed, holding tight onto Sirius when he reads the movement as James trying to get away. He expects they’ll be sitting here for a little while longer.

“I think you should talk it out,” James says gently. “Get the thoughts out of your head. You don’t have to tell me, I can also leave the room and you only talk to Remus, but you should talk it out.”

Sirius shakes his head again. “I don’t want you to go.”

“Alright,” James says. “I’m right here.”

“I can also leave for a little while,” Remus supplies. “I won’t be mad at you if you just want to tell James first.”

There’s a moment of hesitation. Remus reads it for what it is and moves to give Sirius a kiss on the forehead. He gently tilts Sirius face up, making him look at him properly, before he says, “I love you. I’ll go help Peter with the tea, we’ll be waiting in the kitchen for when you’re ready, alright?”

“Sorry,” Sirius mumbles. “I love you too.”

“I know.” Remus gives him a soft smile, with his thumb gently wiping another tear off Sirius’ cheek. When he gets up he looks at James, waiting for the nod promising he will take care of Sirius. They both know how this goes. They’ve had enough time to get a bit of a routine for this. Which is probably not a good sign, now that James thinks about it.

When the door closes behind Remus the room falls silent. James just sits there and waits. When Sirius starts pinching and scratching the skin over the knuckles of his right hand James gently but firmly takes that hand in his and gives it a squeeze.

“I got fired,” Sirius whispers then.

James first instinct is to say good, but that feels a little insensitive. It’s just that he really can’t see the downside here. What he says in the end instead is, “Why?”

“Gordon gave me several bullshit reasons that I all can’t refute and are enough to let me go without reason. Said I was late too many times, which technically I was, but by miniscule amounts and usually still before him, he just checked the security tapes. Also apparently I stole from the shop when I repaired my bike and took like two nuts and some oil.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“I just said.”

“I’m sorry,” James says. He gives the hand another squeeze. “But you wanted to leave anyway, so it’s not the worst thing to happen, right?”

“I didn’t want to leave until I got a new place to work,” Sirius says and his voice starts getting shaky again. “Merlin, this is so stupid,” he mutters, leaning his head back, trying to blink away tears.

“You’ve been looking already,” James reasons. “It won’t be too long until you get a new job, it’s fine.”

“But it’s not,” Sirius says and now, despite his rapid blinking, the tears do fall. “I need to pay rent, and Reggie’s rent just increased, and like, food is also kind of important, and I have no idea how to pay for any of it.”

James frowns. “What about Alphard’s money?”

Through the tears comes a small laugh of defeat. “There’s not been any Alphard money for over a year.”

“What?” James asks dumbfounded.

“Living is fucking expensive, James. It was a decent bit of gold I got from him when I was sixteen and didn’t really have any expenses, but when I got my own place that changed rather quickly. Got me through my apprenticeship more or less alright but I’ve been relying on my own pay cheque for a while.”

“Why have you never said anything? I would have–”

“Because you would have helped,” Sirius interrupts him. “I didn’t want you to. I still don’t want you to. I don’t want to be dependent on you. That’s not a good relationship, and certainly not one that I want.”

“It’s not relying on me,” James argues. “It’s just letting me support you when I have the means.”

“I don’t want you to. I don’t need you to.”

“So what now?” James asks. He’s not happy about this in the least, but that’s probably nothing compared to how Sirius feels.

Sirius rubs at his face, fruitlessly wiping at his still falling tears. “I don’t know,” he says weakly. “I don’t know how to do it. I’ll continue looking for a new job and I’ll get the money for rent together somehow. I’ll figure it out.”

“Would you let me borrow you money for that time being?” James asks carefully. “You’ll give it back to me when you have the means for it. I just don’t want either you or Regulus to end up getting problems with your landlords.”

Sirius lets it sit for a while, thinking about it carefully. “I’ll figure it out,” he says again. “And if I don’t then I’ll come to you.”

“Alright,” James agrees. Not his preferred way of going about things, but it’s not his issues he’s trying to fix here. He doesn’t want to end up pushing Sirius away with trying to help too much. “Does Regulus know?”

“That I got fired?” Sirius asks with raised eyebrows. “I’m definitely not telling him that.”

“Don’t you think he deserves to know considering you’re paying for him?”

“He doesn’t know that I’m not paying with my inheritance anymore.”

James actually pulls back at that to look at Sirius properly, to figure out if he’s lying. He very clearly isn’t. “What the fuck, Padfoot.”

“I can’t tell him?” Sirius snaps. “If he knew he’d not let me pay. I need him to focus on his studies though. I’m not having him have a worse experience after finally leaving our parents than I had. I’m just not.”

In a way, James gets that. If he could lie, could lie to Sirius, at that, he’d do the same for him probably. Somehow get him the money he needs so he doesn’t have to go through the bullshit he currently is going through. But at the same time he knows it’s wrong. Knows Sirius would hate that, and Regulus probably does too. “I think you should tell him,” he says gently. “Figure something out together. You can’t keep taking the entire pressure off him.”

“I’ve been doing that my whole life, I definitely can.”

“Sirius...”

“He’s my brother, okay? He’s not yours, James. This has nothing to do with you. He is my little brother and I need to do this for him.”

James presses his lips together and looks away. “Just think about it,” he says quietly. “I think he’d like to help you, too.”

 

They join Remus and Peter on the couch in the kitchen a while later, after having carefully cleaned Sirius’ scratches and closing them with a practised healing charm. Or, well, Sirius does. He’s always been better at that type of magic than James. James still hates thinking about the reason for why that is.

Remus and Peter shuffle over on the couch to make space for James and Sirius between them, immediately being offered a cup of tea each. It takes a while and several sips of tea for Sirius to tell them the reason for his earlier breakdown as well.

“I’m going to murder Gordon,” Peter says cheerfully with a too wide smile.

“I’ll join you immediately,” Remus agrees darkly. “Is that even legal? Can he just fire you without notice?”

Sirius nods solemnly. “Since he has actual reason and proof of misconduct he can.”

“I feel like you should be able to argue here. Shouldn’t you have gotten a warning beforehand? Been told that making use of the tools there for your own bike is a problem and all that?”

“You should ask Dorcas, I think she had to take a class on legal terms regarding Muggle businesses.”

Sirius shakes his head. “I don’t want to come crawling at his feet. Like, I meant to quit sometime soon anyway, right? Legal procedure probably also costs money and definitely time that I don’t have at the moment because looking for a new place to work is kind of a pressing matter.”

“I could look into it for you,” Peter offers. “I don’t have a lot going on at the moment, I can take the time if you want me to.”

Sirius shakes his head again, but just from the way Peter looks at him he is fairly sure he is going to research it regardless.

“So about that prank we talked about,” James says to lighten the mood. “You’re out of the job. Pranking Gordon now is fair game, right?”

That does bring a smile to Sirius’ face and it’s such a beautiful sight to see James melts a little on the inside.

“A prank on Gordon?” Remus peaks up. “What did I miss here?”

“Nothing yet,” Sirius supplies, still smiling, “James and I were just talking a little while ago. We’ve not done any fun maraudering in too long–”

“–and that wanker deserves being the butt of one of our jokes,” James finishes.

“Excellent,” Peter leans forward with glee. “I’m in. What are we thinking lads?”

 

They let ideas fly through the kitchen for a good hour, bouncing off of each other’s concepts getting increasingly more ridiculous with each new suggestion. At some point Sirius switches from excitedly providing new prank matters to snuggling up against Remus and just listening to what the others have to say, until finally he drifts off to sleep. When the other three notice they immediately lower their voices, deciding to wrap the prank planning up for today and get back to it some other time, when Sirius isn’t knocked out from exhaustion.

Not long after that Peter says his goodbyes, having a movie date to get to, leaving Remus and James watching a sleeping Sirius between them.

“I feel a little guilty for needing him at the moment,” Remus confesses quietly.

James has to work hard to suppress his snort, because isn’t that just such a mood. “What do you mean?” he asks instead.

“With the full moons,” Remus says. “I wish he didn’t make them more bearable, because then I could just be alone miserable for the time being. But he helps, and we both know he does, so of course he spends the time with me. I wish I wasn’t a monthly burden for him for like a good week...”

“I don’t think Sirius sees it as a burden,” James argues. “I know I don’t.”

“But you’re only around for the full moon, and not the entire week around it where I’m absolutely useless.”

“Again,” James insists. “I don’t think Sirius thinks of you like that. Has he ever given you reason to believe that?”

Remus shakes his head.

“I know it’s difficult for you, and I don’t want to sound like I don’t take you seriously or anything. But you shouldn’t project your own insecurities about this onto Sirius. Let him be there when he wants to.”

Remus is quiet for a long time. “Sometimes I’m not really sure he actually wants to be there,” he whispers eventually.

James can actually feel the blood pressure behind his eyes at the sudden rise of panic at those words. “What? Why would you think that?”

“I want to marry him, you know?”

“What?” James screeches, then quickly clamps his hands over his mouth, giving a panicked look to Sirius. Sirius doesn’t even stir. James slowly lowers his hands again and whispers, “Holy shit. Yes, please. Oh Merlin.”

Remus gives him an amused look. “It’s like I proposed to you just now.”

“I feel like you proposed to me just now. This is the best news I’ve heard all year!”

“Yeah, well,” Remus sighs and James immediately sobers up a little. “I don’t want to propose to him before we haven’t moved in together. I think we should try properly living together first before we make that kind of step. And I really, really want to live with him. But I don’t think he wants to...”

Well, James for a fact knows that Sirius wants to. Incredible how he’s having very much the same conversation with both Sirius and Remus before the two of them talked to each other. “You should tell him you want to move in with him.”

“I’ve been trying.” Remus gives a sad little whine. “Every time we even come close to the topic Sirius immediately start talking about something else. He’s actively avoiding talking about it. It’s like he wants to avoid breaking my heart by telling me he doesn’t want it as well or something so he’d just rather never touch the subject at all.”

James kind of wants to scream into a pillow. Or use it to bash both of his friends over the head with. “Please,” James presses out, barely able to contain his inner screaming, “please, Remus, I’m begging you. Talk to him again. Maybe after he’s gotten through the work search but don’t give up on this.”

Remus gives him a sideway look. “Do you know something I don’t?”

James shakes his head, shaking off the question. “Just talk to him, alright?”

Remus looks down at the sleeping Sirius curled up against his chest. “Alright,” he agrees softly.

 

—

 

When Regulus comes home on Wednesday afternoon the first thing he is greeted with the second he steps through the door is Barty calling his name through the flat.

Regulus toes off his shoes with a frown before making his way over to Barty’s room. He gives a knock before peaking in, asking, “What’s up?”

“Is there a reason why your brother called me to ask if I have the means to cover rent for the both of us this month?”

Regulus completely stills at that, just stares at Barty, face completely blank. “What,” he says too calmly.

“Oh, good, so you didn’t know about it then,” Barty says with a grin showing all of his teeth. It would be unsettling if Regulus didn’t perfectly relate to the sentiment right now.

“What did he say exactly?”

“Just asked if I could, nothing more.”

“And what did you say?”

“That my father would rather kill himself than give money to someone who’s any kind of association with Orion Black. Then he asked me not to tell you, which is how we got here.”

“I’m going out,” Regulus snaps.

“Say hi to your brother dearest from me, will you?”

“Will do,” Regulus promises darkly.

He had been looking forward to a quiet night in. Finish reading his book. Watch a nice documentary maybe. This change of plans would ruin his evening even if it wasn’t about Sirius talking about matters that concerned Regulus behind his back.

The walk over to Sirius’ flat takes equally too long and not long enough. By the time Regulus is ringing the doorbell the anger simmering inside him has reached a boiling point and when Remus opens the door for him (because of course Remus is staying over at Sirius’ flat again) he wordlessly pushes past him, barging right into Sirius’ room.

Sirius looks up startled. “Reggie!”

“When were you going to tell me Alphard’s inheritance doesn’t cover everything anymore?”

All the blood drains from Sirius’ face in an instant. “That’s not– I don’t–”

“Why else would you ask Barty if he could cover my rent as well, hm?”

“I only asked if he could cover some of it. And only for next month.”

“That doesn’t make it better!” Regulus shouts. “It’s my rent! Why the fuck would you ask Barty to pay for that? Why would you ask him before you even talked to me?”

“Because I knew you’d not let me ask him!” Sirius snaps. “Because I knew you’d react like this.”

“And how else should I react in your opinion? What, want me to be thankful that you involved my best friend in my money issues?” His hands are starting to shake and he balls them into fists to hide the tremor. He hates getting emotional. He doesn’t want to be weak.

Sirius lets out a loud huff through his nose. “I started my apprenticeship with a good amount of gold to cover my living expenses, so I could focus on that and get a good foundation for getting a job. I don’t understand why you won’t let me do the same for you.”

“Because it’s not your fucking job, Sirius. You shouldn’t work yourself half to death to pay for my life.”

“I’m not working myself half to death,” Sirius sneers.

“Oh yeah? Then what else does worst period of your life mean when you’ve literally nearly died in the past because of our parents?”

It is Sirius’ turn to go still, a flicker of fury passing across his face. “James had no right telling you that. Just because he let you push him into some fucked up hook up thing doesn’t mean he can just tell you things I tell him in confidence.”

Regulus’ fingers are twitching for his wand. Every fibre in his body strains with pent up magic wanting to lash out at his brother. “James has nothing to do with this,” he spits. He wants to say more but James just does not matter right now. “This is about you letting yourself get hurt on my behalf again.”

“Because I have to!” Sirius shouts. “You’re my little brother, I have to protect you!”

“I’m in my fucking twenties, Sirius, I’m not little anymore! I never wanted you to pay for my studies or my rent or anything! I let you because I thought it was still Alphard’s money! I will not let you torture yourself on my behalf and I will not let you involve my friends because of it!”

“I’m not going to sit back and watch you overwork yourself and walk around like a bloody corpse again, Reg. I won’t.”

The magic in him freezes. For a moment everything comes to a standstill. “The situations are completely different. I’m not living with our parents and I’m not isolated from my friends and I’m not studying something I hate.”

“That doesn’t mean you’ll be able to handle a job and university at the same time!”

“Fuck you.” Regulus is seething. “Absolutely go fuck yourself, Sirius.”

“What did I–”

“I’m not a child anymore. You’re treating me like I’m incapable of living my life. You know how many people work and study at the same time? Why shouldn’t I also be able to, hm? You’re not letting me grow up, you’re being just like our parents, trying to monitor my every fucking step.”

“Take that back,” Sirius growls. “I’m nothing like them.”

“You’re doing an awful job of acting like it right now. You’re controlling my life with what you’re doing.”

“I’m not controlling your life, I’m trying to give you the freedom you deserve!”

“By going behind my back to talk with my best friend?”

“You’re one to talk about going behind backs with best friends,” Sirius huffs angrily.

Regulus cannot fucking do this. “What is your stupid obsession with me and James?”

“What is your obsession with him? Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you two keep sneaking around! We’ve all noticed!”

“And he’s told you there’s nothing going on,” Regulus snaps. He doesn’t care that there is a plan he should be sticking to. Right now he is angry at Sirius and quite honestly could not give any less fucks what James wants in this.

“I’ve also seen the messages he’s sent you,” Sirius snaps. “I’m not stupid, Regulus.”

“Right now you’re doing a pretty good job at looking like it though.”

“James doesn’t lie to me! And I believed him when he said you’re just talking about Quidditch stuff, but I saw that selfie he sent you before the match, after which, might I add, you disappeared with him.”

“How can you complain about James telling me things and then you go about snooping in our text messages?” Regulus grits out.

Sirius crosses his arms defensively. “Wasn’t really difficult now, was it? You had your screen on full display during the match. And I know that’s not the only stuff you’ve texted each other. It’s obvious to absolutely everyone what you’re doing. And James doesn’t fucking lie to me, yet here we are and I do not fucking appreciate you making him lie to me one bit.”

Regulus’ vision actually whites out for a second. The papers on Sirius’ desk are fluttering dangerously as the air grows hotter around him. “I’m not making James do anything,” he hisses, his voice dangerously low. “I’m not the one trying to control other people here.”

Sirius’ hair falls loose from his bun and this time Regulus isn’t sure if it’s his own magic or Sirius’ that’s caused it. “He doesn’t do casual!” he snaps. “And you’ve never once taken any of your hookups seriously. So what is the two of you fucking around if not you making him?”

One of the papers gets blown up into the air, sticking against the wall behind the desk. “It’s none of your business what I do with which of my partners.”

“It is when you’re hurting my best friend!”

“I don’t fucking care if this hurts him!” Regulus shouts. “I’m not making him spend time with me! If he wants out he can just stop talking to me. I do not. Fucking. Care!”

The noise of a glass breaking makes both brothers flinch with high alert and turn their heads to look towards the living room.

 

—

 

James is going through the questions of a past exam paper in preparation to figure out how much time he’ll have to invest into studying when his phone lights up. He is in absolutely no mood for Transport Phenomena and eager for any kind of excuse to procrastinate so unlocks it immediately.

Remus Moony
Save me please.

James
moons? u ok?
where are ou??

James sends the message in a hurry, worried about the lack of a call. Remus doesn’t text often, so every time he does it makes the skin on the back of James’ neck prickle with anxiety. Luckily Remus’ reply follows quickly.

Remus Moony
I’m okay.
I’m at Sirius’ and Regulus just got here and they’re fighting.
I don’t know what to do, I can’t just leave but I don’t want to sit here and third wheel an argument.

James
if you let me in ican come over if u wanna

Remus Moony
Yes please.

James makes it over to Sirius’ flat with a bar of chocolate he found in his designated sweets cabinet and a book of Rilke poems he got from the library the previous day. When he gets there he can already hear the shouting as soon as he sets foot in the stairwell and he feels really quite sorry for all of Sirius’ neighbours. Instead of knocking, because with how loud that argument is he doubts anyone would hear that, he sends a quick ‘m here’ message to Remus. A second later the door opens and Remus greets him sporting a pained grimace.

“They’ve been going at it for ages,” Remus moans, leading James to the living room. “I’m honestly a bit scared that if they continue like this one of them will hex the other. Or accidentally set something on fire.”

“What’s it about anyway?” James asks curiously. He can hear them clearly, but he hasn’t quite found the context yet.

“Regulus found out that Sirius pays for his rent with his pay cheque. Apparently that idiot called Barty instead of talking to his brother.”

James groans. “Why is he so stupid. What did he expect to happen? I get that this is a sore subject to him, but why wouldn’t he realise that would also apply to Regulus?”

Remus gives a defeated shrug. “Fuck if I know. I thought we’d have managed to talk some sense into him yesterday.”

Yeah, clearly not with how this was going right now. “Are they... talking about me?” James asks, pausing to listen better.

Remus frowns and looks towards Sirius’ bedroom. “Sounds like it.”

James groans again. “I’m getting myself something to drink. This sounds like it’s going to be another while. Do you also want something?”

“If you could get me some orange juice that’d be nice,” Remus hums.

On his way to the kitchen James listens a little closer to the argument. Sure, eavesdropping isn’t great but he’s never had too many moral qualms about it. This is clearly about him, and there aren’t really eaves to be dropped with how loud the brothers are arguing.

“It’s none of your business what I do with which of my partners,” Regulus shouts and James can actually feel a faint wave of magic rolling over him with the words. Clearly Sirius hit somewhere that hurt if that was the reaction he’s getting. James doesn’t like the way it makes his own skin prickle hearing Regulus talk about his partners, plural. He’s still trying to ignore how much it bothers him, but it’s just a fact that James is easily made jealous. He’s protective and possessive over anything, from his broom over his tea collection to his friends. Why wouldn’t that include the person he’s been crushing on for far too long by now?

He shakes the feeling off and fills a glass for Remus with orange juice before getting himself some water.

“It is when you’re hurting my best friend!” Sirius shouts back as James is making his way back to the living room. He had thought that Sirius would be fine with whatever Regulus and James have going on. Or not have going on. But with how Sirius is acting right now there clearly are still some issues left they should discuss. James gets it, he does, he’d more than just argue with people potentially hurting his best friend. But it shouldn’t be something he attacks Regulus over. He doesn’t want Regulus to get hurt because of it.

“I don’t fucking care if this hurts him!” Regulus shouts and James freezes. “I’m not making him spend time with me! If he wants out he can just stop talking to me. I do not. Fucking. Care!”

Something is prickling behind James’ eyes. In the back of his throat. It hurts, somehow, spiny, in his chest. He wants to claw it out and stomp on it until it breaks and shatters like the glass on the floor in front of him. The–

“Oh,” James says faintly looking at the two glasses he apparently just dropped. “Fuck.”

At least this pulls him back to his senses. He makes a grab for his wand to put the shards back together and clean up the mess. Realises he left it on the sofa with Remus. Looks at the shards defeatedly.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Regulus’ sharp voice makes his head snap up. “I wanted to get something to drink for Moony and me. I tripped on the carpet, sorry Pads.”

Remus sticks his head out of the living room door. “You good there, Prongs?”

James nods and points at the shards and puddle to his feet, but before he can form a sentence Remus has already waved his wand in acknowledgement, merging the glass shards and vanishing the diluted juice. “Thanks,” James mumbles.

“That did not answer my question,” Regulus huffs.

“Which one?” James asks startled.

“Why are you here,” Sirius supplies, joining his brother in the doorway, his arms folded tightly over his chest.

“Oh. Moony asked me to come over.” 

Remus lifts his hands in surrender. With a softly spoken Accio he summons the empty glasses to him before abandoning James in the hallway with two angry Black brothers staring him down. 

“So you’re what, eavesdropping now?” 

“Not on purpose,” James promises. “You weren’t exactly quiet about your argument.” He shuffles uncomfortably from foot to foot. Nods towards the living room. “I’ll let you get back to it.” 

“No, actually,” Sirius huffs and stretches his arm out to stop James from leaving. “You can stay right here.” 

“I’d really rather not.” 

“I’m mad at Reggie for pushing you into whatever thing you’ve got going on here,” Sirius continues, ignoring James’ longing look towards the living room and Regulus’ annoyed huff. “But you? Fuck you for lying to me. And fuck you for treating Regulus like this.” 

“What?” James honestly has no idea where this is coming from. 

“Stop pretending you’re not dating, you’re not fooling anyone. I saw the kind of stuff you text each other, so quit it with the bullshit about how this is just casual Quidditch talk,” Sirius snaps.

James doesn’t like being shouted at, least of all by Sirius. This just does not feel right.

“And he–” he points at Regulus, who angrily bats his hand away “–deserves better than to be kept a secret. If you want to date him then fucking act like it. He’s been treated like shit for most of his life you don’t need to add to this as well.”

“Neither do you!” Regulus shouts. “You’re being a bloody hypocrite Sirius! Stay out of my relationships with my friends and stop blaming me or James for treating each other terribly when you’re currently a shit friend to James and an awful brother to me!”

“Regulus,” James says firmly. “Stop it.” He doesn’t need Sirius to feel bad about this as well.

“Shut up,” Regulus rounds on him. “He needs to hear it.”

“Stop it,” James repeats sharply. “Both of you,” he adds when Sirius is about to open his mouth. This has gone decisively too far and James’ throat is still prickling with hurt, making the words that rise up through it spiny as well. “Padfoot, you’ve been a proper prat to Regulus for not telling him about the money. I get that you don’t like doing it, but clearly Regulus doesn’t either and the two of you shouting at each other won’t solve that. This is clearly not about Regulus and me, I don’t know where all that came from, so we are putting a pin in that now and the two of you will take a step back and calm down and then discuss your finances properly. Alright?”

Regulus looks about ready to hex him and Sirius is on the verge of arguing with him again but James won’t let them. “No, I’m not doing this.” He looks at Regulus who under his gaze shuts his mouth. “You might not care that what you say hurts me, but I care, and I don’t like you being a twat to me without reason. I do not like being confronted by the two of you like this. And yeah, you’re right. If I don’t want to talk to you I don’t have to and I can just leave. So I’m going to do that now. And Sirius,” he turns towards his best friend, “stop deflecting instead of admitting when you’ve made a mistake. I thought you’ve learned by now that that’s a shit thing to do.” He knows that’s harsh. Knows the message got across clearly, Sirius deflating completely, all the fight leaving him in an instant at the reminder of their fifth year at Hogwarts. James only feels a tiny bit bad about it. It had to be said because Regulus was right in a way. Some things Sirius really needs to hear right now.

“I’m going to leave now and I’ll take Moony with me if he wants and if you want you can text me and I’ll come back after you’ve talked. And I mean actually talk and not just stupidly shout at each other. I thought you both wanted to stop acting like your mother.”

“Fuck you,” Regulus says quietly, but there is barely any bite left in his voice. Just hurt and defeat.

“You can do this,” James finishes his monologue gentler. “I know you’re both actually good at talking when you want to be.” And with that he turns on his heel, squares his shoulders, and goes back to the living room.

“Well, that was something,” Remus greets him quietly.

“Wanna come on a walk with me?” James asks still a bit wrought-up.

Remus gives a small nod and gets up, handing James his wand.

Regulus and Sirius are still standing where James left them, shoulders tense and faces blank.

“I’ll see you later, okay?” Remus says softly to Sirius. “I’ll come back.”

James doesn’t give the same affirmations. He’s said his part. If they want him back here they can text him. He puts his shoes on wordlessly and waits for Remus to catch up with him before he lets the door to Sirius’ flat fall shut behind him.

 

“Was it too much?” James asks after they’ve walked around the neighbourhood for several silent minutes.

“Not most of it,” Remus says. “They needed to be brought down from their anger.”

“Not most of it,” James repeats.

“The comment about their mother was cruel,” Remus tells him bluntly.

“I know,” James agrees contrite. “I’m not sure if I meant it either.”

“At least it made them quiet down.” It’s supposed to sound light-hearted but falls completely flat.

“Yeah, I guess...” James mumbles. He’s not proud of what he’s said. He’s still hurt enough that he doesn’t feel entirely sorry either. It’s a persistent flaw. He knows he can be cruel when pushed too far. And this, it seems, was too far. He doesn’t really know what did it. What got him there. Maybe it’s the constant stress that finally took its toll. Maybe Sirius’ insinuation that James was lying to him. Maybe the fact that in a way, he actually has been for a while now. Maybe it was Regulus saying he doesn’t care about James. He’s not sure. He just knows that he’s hurt as well and angry at both of them. And more so, also at himself.

 

Remus gets a text first, asking him if he can come back. James pretends it doesn’t bother him.

His text comes a minute later.

Sirius Pads
Im sorry.
Im really tired so i honestly just want to go to sleep with moony
You were right
I love you

With a deep breath James tries to loosen the knot of anxiety forming behind his ribcage. It nearly works.

James
i love you too
so much
im sorry for ehat i said
can we orperly talk tomorrow?
i just need to know that oyure not angry with me

Sirius Pads
Im not angry
that works <33
sleep well ily

James
sleep weller
ily2 <333

“So I take it you’re not coming back with me?” Remus asks when James finally puts his phone back in his pocket.

James shakes his head. “Just make sure he’s alright?” He asks. “And if Sirius is too upset with me please let me know so I can emotionally prepare for it.”

“Will do,” Remus promises. “It’ll be fine, Prongs. You know he can never be upset with you for long anyway.”

James just shrugs. He does know. That doesn’t mean he isn’t scared of the possibility every single time over.

Remus pulls him into a hug, wrapping his long arms around him until James drowns in the too warm embrace of a Moony jumper. “You’ll be fine,” he says. “If you need anything call me.”

James laughs lightly. Remus is the only one who wouldn’t first suggest texting. “Love you,” he says. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” says Remus. “I’m the one who dragged you into the situation in the first place.”

“You’re good. It would have happened at some point anyway.”

“If you say so...”

“Go see your boyfriend,” James grins, playfully pushing Remus’ hand away that’s currently ruffling his hair. “I’ll see you in uni tomorrow?”

“You will,” Remus agrees. Then, with a last pat on the shoulder, he turns down the street back towards Sirius’ flat.

 

Later, when he’s home, James also texts Regulus. It’s taken a while for him to get over his own hurt. Regulus saying he doesn’t care about him. Doesn’t care if James gets hurt through this. It honestly makes him feel awful. It’s that first morning after Sirius’ party all over again, a rejection in perfectly clear words. Only this time is worse, because they’ve been doing good. They’ve met up so many times by now, James keeps having fun with Regulus, and he held the opinion that Regulus was, too. So this isn’t just a rejection because of a rumour. This feels like a rejection because of him, James, and he is honestly not having a great time with it.

Still, that hurt in Regulus’ voice at the end rings in James ears and by now he does feel rather awful about the comment he’s made. So when he writes out his message to Regulus it takes him quite a while.

James
hi reg. just wanted to say im sorry about what i said at the end.
i dont think youre anything like your mother and im sorry i implied as much
im just not very nice when im upset and im sorry for that.
im also sorry for the way sirius talked to you, especially because of the stuff concerning me
i hope youre okay

After sending off the texts he throws his phone away and buries his face in his pillow, letting out a little despaired whine. He doesn’t stay in that position for long though, too anxious for Regulus’ reply.

The messages have gone through.

It’s only been two minutes so James shouldn’t be so desperate for a reply already. It’s just that he knows that Regulus checks his phone regularly, considering he’s always answered within seconds when James had a panic attack. So Regulus not answering feels like a deliberate choice and it makes James nervous.

He tries to distract himself. Tries to get back to the studying he let himself be interrupted in earlier. Makes himself something to eat. Watches a couple of Marlene’s new videos. Reads the comments underneath. (Finds to his horror that she was right and even on these completely unrelated videos people are asking for him and, worse yet, are talking about him and Regulus.) Eventually can’t stand it any longer and checks Regulus’ chat again.

The text still sits there unanswered.

James
are you okay?

He is actually starting to get worried at the lack of reply. Which is maybe unfair on Regulus, considering that he used to never reply to any of James’ texts. But after the way he left him and Sirius earlier...

When his phone finally lights up James is so eager to unlock it that he fails entering his passcode three times in a row.

Regulus
Yeah I’m good.

James stares at the message for a good two minutes, until another one appears.

Regulus
I’m sorry.

Notes:

ABOUT THE WARNING:
sirius is having a proper breakdown and when james gets there he already has his arms scratched wound, and while he is there tries to scratch at his skin more to regulate himself. they do clean+heal the wounds afterwards

IF YOU WANT TO SKIP THIS stop reading once james leaves his job, and start reading again at "Remus and Peter shuffle over on the couch". to summarise what happened: sirius is got fired from his job, has a breakdown over it, because as it turns out he's been paying for himself and reg with his own money, since alphard's inheritence money is depleated. no one knew about that, not even regulus. james offers to support him financially, sirius turns him down and says he will only allow james to do so if he can't find any other way at all. james tells sirius he should talk to regulus about all of this, even if sirius would rather not
END WARNING

while i was editing this i genuinely said "he is such a fucking hypocrite" about james when he was talking to remus. like goddamn my guy. get a fucking grip. look at yourself giving out absolutely excellent advice and then not following it yourself

i am so sorry sirius my love for putting you through all of the horrors. life will get better, i promise

also before anyone bites my head off for making james lash out and be mean, even to sirius and reg... i know, i know. im sorry for that too. but also, lets not forget that (especially canonically) james can be a bit of a dick to straight up cruel and honestly i dont think even his best friend would be spared from that when pushed far enough... james has been on edge for weeks and it finally came through

anyway that was A Lot, lets focus on the little cute bits in between!!! lily my love, light of my life, absolute worst loser in the entire universe, too fucking competitive for her own good. i adore her.
also. remus just casually dropping he wants to propose to sirius?? while sirius is literally. on his lap. sleeping.
barty being a good friend!!!! sirius asked him to keep quiet about it and barty was like absolutely fuck that, reg needs to know

and with that i leave you! everyone is trying their best, as am i! i love you all so much (and also here is my formal apology for always taking so long to reply to comments i am. really trying my best. i read them all immediately and they make me so fucking happy, i just suck at replying in general. just know that i love you)

you can find me on tumblr

Chapter 8: The Taste of Lies

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Speak Loud by Trills
(fun fact, this song is the entire reason why i ended up giving all chapters song titles. i had a vague idea for a name for this chapter in mind, looked up lyrics that are similar, stumbled over this song, looked at all of the lyrics and was like damn, that is so regulus coded. and now here we are)

Sirius calls the next evening, a little while after James has finally come home after his work at Elqueue. He is absolutely knackered, the last two weeks of lectures taking too much out of him already without training and little kids demanding his attention and the worry that his best friend is upset with him.

“You okay?” is the first thing Sirius asks.

“Yeah,” James replies and despite how wrung out he is he smiles, because Sirius just has that effect on him. “Just exhausted. I hate Thursdays, they’re so long.”

Sirius hums, but doesn’t say anything else. Too late James wonders if it was inconsiderate to talk about long Thursdays, when this is the first Thursday in a while where Sirius hasn’t had any responsibilities at all.

“I’m sorry for what I said yesterday,” James says then to move them away from this potentially sore subject. (The fact he’s moving it to a different sore subject he ignores, because if he doesn’t go there, they won’t get it to a stage of healing.) “Both about fifth and about your mother, that was awful of me and I’m really sorry.”

“I know,” Sirius says. He doesn’t pretend it didn’t hurt him. James doesn’t expect him to, he knows what he said was out of line, even if he’s sure he’d do the same thing all over if they ever got in this situation again. Sirius seems to have similar thoughts. “I think I needed to hear it though. I’m not angry with you.”

“Okay,” James says breathing out a sigh of relief.

“I’m also sorry for shouting at you,” Sirius continues quietly. He’s never been particularly good at apologising, so James appreciates it all the more. “I don’t fully remember what I said to you, I just know that it wasn’t nice and I don’t actually think you’d hurt Reggie.”

“I wouldn’t,” James says immediately. “And we’re not hooking up, we really aren’t.”

“I know,” Sirius sighs defeatedly. “I’m not going to pester you about it anymore. Regulus is right. Doesn’t matter that he’ll always be my little brother, he still is a grown up and can do whatever he wants with his life. Same goes to you, obviously. I trust that you both know what you’re doing. And if there was anything important to tell you’d tell me.”

James can feel the by now familiar coil of dread form in his stomach. Because there are important things to tell. And he’s not telling Sirius any of them. Not yet, anyway. He will, eventually, when it can’t make things worse. He’s still trying to convince himself that what he’s doing is the right path of action. He feels guilty, when finally he replies, “Thank you. I love you, you know that, right?”

“I do,” Sirius promises. “I love you too.”

“Are you going to come to our lunch meet up at uni tomorrow?” James changes the subject. The ending of the sentence, the relieved now that you don’t have to work for that asshole anymore, stays unspoken, but James is sure they both can hear it.

“No,” Sirius says. “I’m not quite ready to have that be public knowledge yet. And also I don’t think I’d be any fun to have around at the moment.”

“You’re always fun to have around,” James says. “I love having you around, even when you’re a miserable git.”

Sirius laughs at that, and James is so relieved to hear he can still do that, that the coil of dread inside him immediately shatters, making space for nothing but love for his best friend.

“Unfortunately not everyone is you and some people actually have normal opinions of me,” Sirius says lightly.

“Thinking you’re great is a normal opinion?” James says, offence resonating in his voice. “Don’t insult my best friend, that’s my job.”

“Alright,” says Sirius and it sounds like he is still smiling. “I love you.”

“I know.”

“Thank you. For this. And for yesterday, regardless of how much it sucked. And for still being here for me.”

“I wouldn’t know how to do anything else,” James says truthfully. “Don’t think I’d be still me if I stopped being around you all the time.”

“Annoying twat,” Sirius says fondly.

“I love you too,” James says in the same tone.

And maybe Remus was right, James thinks, because like this, with Sirius smiling on the other side of a phone, it is difficult to consider that he won’t be fine.

 

—

 

Regulus is not having a great week. Honestly, he’s not had a great week in a while. Things just keep happening and he keeps being in the middle of it all. James’ comment still stings, not made better by the fact that he’s basically said the exact same thing to Sirius mere minutes before. His financial situation is shit, but at least Sirius and him did manage to talk it through once James and Remus had left. He hates James a little for getting them there. Hates that he was both needed and knew exactly what to do. It only rubs it in a little deeper just how close him and Sirius are – have been since they were eleven. And on top of all of that, of course, he is still pretending to date James in secret.

When he walks into the university cafeteria his friends are easy to spot. On Fridays most of them have time to meet up during lunch time, even Lily and Pandora, who with their busy schedule and half of their classes in wizard London barely ever have time during the day. Or ever, really. Regulus really doesn’t regret not having gone into potions.

They’re sitting outside, one of the bigger tables occupied, the benches on either side full. Regulus regards them critically. Considers where it makes sense to sit. Usually he’d just squeeze in between Barty and Pandora, but he does have a part to play and this right here, well really, it’s one of the easiest ways to do it.

“Scoot over a bit, would you?” he says a little clipped, nudging James’ shoulder.

James looks up at him with big eyes, caught off guard, but he does move to make space for Regulus next to him.

They haven’t talked much since that disastrous conversation at Sirius’ place. James had brushed away Regulus’ apology and Regulus hadn’t known how to reply to that, so he simply hadn’t.

When he sits down next to James now, their legs pressed together under the table, he regrets it a little. Feels like he should have maybe cleared the air between them properly before having to pretend in front of all their friends. Just in case that James is still upset with him.

But James doesn’t seem upset in the least, just gives him a little smile and a soft “Hey.”

“Took you a while to get here, Reggie,” Barty greets him from across the table, giving him a raised eyebrow as he looks between him and James.

“Thomas wouldn’t stop talking,” Regulus gives the short explanation. He did also make a detour past the notice board but doesn’t feel like mentioning that right now.

“Do all your professors just not care about the normal timetables to their lectures?” James asks with a frown.

“It’s not usually that bad. It’s just the end of the semester and they’re all realising they’re not as far in their curriculum as they should be.”

Pandora sighs. “Tell me about it. Only my professors all have decided that the logical conclusion to that is that I should teach it all to myself at home.” Lily nods empathetically. “And I love all the experimenting, I’d mess around with that at home either way, but the theory is so exhausting. I know where to look it up or how to figure it out if you give me the lab for it, so I don’t know why I need to know all the chemical reactions by heart.”

Sometimes Regulus feels like he is cheating his degree. Everyone else keeps buckling under the workload with heaps of exams and research papers and internships and sure, he also has a lot of papers to do, but his work is spread out more across the entire semester and if he doesn’t have the energy to study for it he still gets good grades most of the time. Maybe he’s just good at what he does, but sometimes he can’t shake the feeling that if he switched degrees with any of his friends he’d do a lot worse at it than them.

He props his elbows on the table, resting his head in his hands and listens to the conversations around the table. The last two days have left him so exhausted he could honestly sleep for a week at this point.

James nudges him gently, pulling him back to reality. “Are you not hungry?”

Regulus shakes his head. He might be if he was feeling more awake. “I should have gotten a coffee,” he mumbles.

“You can still get one,” James points out.

“I really don’t feel like getting up...”

James bites his lip and tilts his head to the side. “I’ll get you one. I need to go wash my hands before we play cards anyway, I touched something sticky and I hate it. I’ll just grab it on the way out.”

“Will you?” Regulus looks up hopefully.

James hums affirmative. “How do you like it?”

“Sweet,” Regulus mumbles.

“Wanna give me specifics?”

Regulus debates for a second if the coffee is worth the mortification of giving his usual order. But he just really, really wants his coffee now so he lists, “Hazelnut latte with oat milk and an extra shot of espresso. If they have whipped cream today I’ll take that. And chocolate sprinkles.”

James actually laughs out loud at that. Regulus glares at him. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe the coffee isn’t worth it after all.

“Never would have taken you for such a sweet tooth,” James grins. “Do they even make drinks like that here?”

“If you’re not being a twat about it, yes,” Regulus huffs.

“Not being a twat, lo–” James cuts himself off by biting his lip, a brief look of panic flickering across his face. “I’ll do my best to remember your order and get you your coffee,” he continues as if nothing happened.

Regulus still glares at him, but considering James is willing to get him the vitally important things, he decides not to call him out for making fun of his preferences.

James gives him a dazzling smile then climbs out from where he is lodged on the bench between Regulus and Marlene. “I’ll be back in a second,” he announces to the group. “Anyone need anything I should get you from inside?”

Lots of shaking heads, one order for paper napkins which James notes with a thumbs up. Regulus watches him walk towards the building, letting his gaze trail down to his ass for just a second before turning back to his friends. Barty is looking at him with a wide grin.

“What?” Regulus huffs.

“Cute,” Barty says mockingly.

Regulus simply raises his middle finger up at him.

“I have to leave again in twenty minutes,” Lily sighs with a look at her wristwatch. “Should we already give cards while we wait for James to return?”

Her question is answered by Mary pulling a deck of playing cards from her bag and handing it off to Dorcas to shuffle and hand out. It takes Regulus far too long to figure out what they’re playing.

He only wakes up a little again when James reappears in his field of vision. “Here you go, babe,” he says, handing a small stack of napkins to Marlene. “And that’s for you,” he says, placing a big cup of coffee in front of Regulus. “They even put on extra many sprinkles just for me,” he adds with a chuckle, before arranging himself back into his seat on the table.

Regulus could kiss James right now. Not that he’d ever not kiss James, but right now he’d kiss him even more. This is exactly what he needed, the vapour curling into his face alone is already making him feel more alive. “Thank you,” he mumbles into his cup. “What do I owe you?”

He knows exactly how much the coffee costs, but he doesn’t want to admit just how often he buys this to have that kind of information perfectly stored away in his brain.

“Nothing, you’re good,” James waves him away.

Regulus fights with his pride for a second but in the end comes to the conclusion it doesn’t make sense to decline it. James wouldn’t ask back for a couple pounds from any of their friends and quite frankly, Regulus desperately needs the money. And with how often he’s flirted his way around bars to have random men buy him a drink there is no reason why he shouldn’t make use of James and their pretend secret relationship to do the same. So all he says is “Thanks” before taking a tentative sip of the scolding hot drink.

“Now that you two are done flirting, can we start the game?” Marlene asks.

“I wasn’t flirting,” James disagrees immediately. “And I haven’t even had a chance to look at my cards yet, give me a second.”

“Well hurry up, Lils needs to leave in a bit and I still need to win against her,” Marlene complains.

“You’ll never,” Lily promises gleefully.

 

Regulus’ last class isn’t for another hour, one he shares with Mary, so even when Lily – and not too long after Pandora – have to leave, the rest of them still stay outside sitting on the benches. Regulus eventually has to move into Lily’s previous spot, because it simply makes no sense that four people sit on one side of the table and two on the other. And with Dorcas and Marlene sitting next to each other Regulus has no reasonable excuse to keep sitting next to James when they’re explicitly trying to make it look like they’re trying to make it look like they’re not dating.

He’s not very happy about moving.

Despite the sun being out he liked how warm James was against his side. Liked the way James kept gently nudging him when it was his turn to play a card. Now there is too much space between them and Regulus is a little bit pouty about it. It is slightly embarrassing just how quickly he has gotten hooked on the feeling of having James close to him.

He’s always known this was likely to happen. That his more or less dormant lying crush would stretch out its limbs once James gave him any sort of attention that came with making him feel special. But he’s really not thrilled about it. He doesn’t like having feelings for James. He’s never liked it. It’s an annoying aspect of having to live with James around.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for his abysmal mental health during his short period of becoming a Healer Regulus could be inclined to say he misses that segment of his life, simply because he had neither the time, nor the constant reminder through regular meetings to pine after James. It certainly was an improvement for his romantic prospects, because not pining at all is a lot less dreary than pining after a guy who only flirts with you as a joke and keeps making out with strangers in front of you.

So, Regulus doesn’t like that being close to James is once again doing terrible, awful things to his heart, but he likes not being close to James just as little.

“I’ll see you all tomorrow?” James asks when they’ve finished their last round of cards, Marlene having won for once now that Lily has left. The question is meant for everyone at the table, but he looks at Regulus when he says it. Regulus can feel his face get a bit warmer. James is too good at this.

“I’ll be there,” he answers nonchalantly.

Marlene smirks as she looks back and forth between Regulus and James. “When did we say we’d meet up?”

“I’m getting food with Barty and Evan beforehand, so we’ll join whenever we’re done with that,” Regulus shrugs.

“Eight,” James gives the actual answer, “but the Mage only starts playing good music from nine onwards anyway so you know, usual rules apply, if you’re late you’re not going to miss out on much.”

“As if I’d ever be late,” Marlene gasps.

“As if you’d ever be on time, babe,” Dorcas corrects giving her girlfriend a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll try to get her going a bit earlier, don’t worry.”

“Is anyone not coming?” James asks.

Barty shakes his head. “As far as I know we’ll be a full round for once. It’s been a while since we’ve had the crew back together.” He gives an annoyed look at James, the accusation obvious, blaming him for his and Regulus’ absence which is ridiculous since they’ve only missed one get together since they started their thing and it wasn’t even as if everyone else had been there.

James doesn’t notice, or pretends not to notice at least. Sometimes Regulus really cannot tell when he is acting.

 

Saturday evening Barty and Regulus go over to Evan’s place. It’s not a far commute but Regulus just really, really misses everyone living in places with a proper fireplace connected to the Floo Network. He’d even settle for places far away enough from Muggle eyes that they at least could apparate in front of the front door. He doesn’t miss much from his years growing up with his parents, but this is certainly one thing he wouldn’t mind having back.

Evan’s flatmate is not home, luckily, because while she is nice enough Regulus always feels a little awkward around her. He’s not great at meeting new people for just being casual friends with, which, considering his large friend group, he luckily isn’t in need of.

Evan is a decent cook, certainly a lot better than Regulus himself, and until recently he was the baseline of what home cooked food should taste like. Unfortunately James Potter ruined that for him as well by raising the bar considerably higher when he invited Regulus for dinner.

Regulus should make a list with all the ways James has made his life worse.

“I actually forgot to ask earlier, have you found anything on the notice board?” Barty asks him over his bowl of pasta.

Regulus is currently chewing on a spoonful of food which gives Evan plenty of time to peak up curiously and ask, “What notice board? What did I miss?”

Regulus swallows and replies, “I’m trying to find another job.” He doesn’t feel like going into too much detail about his and Sirius’ financial struggles again. It’s how that conversation with Sirius had ended. Regulus would try to find something additional to his editing job for his professor and once Sirius would find another full-time job he’d still support Regulus, just a lot less. There is only to hoping they’d get through until they reach that point. “I put up an offer for thesis proof reading and the likes on the notice board at uni. Also emailed my professor to ask if I could up my hours.”

“That sounds fun,” Evan says with a grimace. “Isn’t that a bit much reading and writing you’re surrounding yourself with?”

Regulus just shrugs. “I enjoy it,” he says. Even if editing is his least favourite writing related matter. At least he’s good at it.

“You’re weird,” Evan decides.

“At least I’m not Barty,” Regulus retorts.

“Hey!” Barty complains. “That was fully unprompted, I didn’t even do anything.”

“No, Bee, Reggie has a point. I mean who studies everything, keeps getting job and PhD offers only to immediately switch to a different degree afterwards. That’s fucking weird.”

“I like the look of horror in my professors’ eyes whenever I tell them I’m actually going to quit,” Barty grins.

Whenever Regulus thinks about it too much he gets a little jealous. He also wishes he was just inherently good at everything he tries his hand at. Barty loves learning, but he doesn’t care about it. And his father may be an arsehole, but his mother loves him dearly which means he gets the financial support to fuck around in his studies as much as he wants to. The fact that he gets perfect grades in nearly everything he tries means he’s allowed to stick with it. The fact that he refuses his professors’ offers whenever he gets the chance means he gets to piss off not only them but also his father. Barty is fully living in bliss and Regulus wants that as well.

When they get ready to leave Evan stops Regulus for a moment to give him a critical look over.

“What?” Regulus frowns.

“You’ve dressed a lot less slutty than usual,” Evan notes. “Not planning on chatting up people, hm?”

The frown only deepens. “I never chat up people.”

“Getting people to chat you up, then. No need for more free drinks and one-night stands?”

“I’m always in need for free drinks,” Regulus huffs.

“But not one-night stands anymore,” Barty finishes from behind him. “Wonder why...”

Regulus crosses his arms. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m dressed the same as ever.”

“You are a lot less obviously slutty from far away,” Barty hums. “This is a lot more a look for distracting people when they’re already standing in front of you.”

Okay, Regulus really doesn’t know what that’s supposed to mean. “I just wanted to look good. You’ve put a lot more thought into my outfit than I have.”

“A worrying statement,” Evan says solemnly. “Regulus not despairing over how to dress to get exactly what he wants? Either something’s wrong with you or you already have exactly what you want.”

“I’ve just perfected the art of getting what I want, I don’t need to despair over it anymore,” Regulus huffs. “Can we just leave already?”

 

They find their friends in a corner booth at the Modern Mage, table already filled with drinks and playing cards, cheering when the three of them join them.

“Should I move over so you can sit next to James?” Peter asks over the chatter of their friends. It’s a mocking question, obviously not a genuine offer although he’s already half risen and probably would make space for Regulus if he asked for it. Regulus doesn’t like being teased. He likes that it is about James, but he doesn’t like being teased.

“No, thanks, I’m good,” he replies flatly and slides into the corner after Barty.

James puts on an exaggerated pout. “Aw, you hurt me Reg, you don’t wanna sit next to me?”

Regulus gives him an unimpressed look. “You take up too much space and you talk too loudly. So no. I don’t.”

For a second James actually looks hurt at that before he grins widely and says, “Ouch, harsh. Guess I’ll just have to take up Wormy’s space instead.” And he wraps his arms around his friend and gives him a big showy kiss on his cheek while Peter pretends to swoon into his arms.

Regulus just rolls his eyes and tunes in to the conversation happening on the other side of the table between Mary and Lily.

 

They’re rarely all at the table at the same time. Someone is always either getting drinks, going outside for some fresh air or making use of the dance floor. James asked if anyone wants to dance with him twice, both times sending a little fake hopeful look towards Regulus.

He obviously didn’t react. Accepting James’ request for a dance would hardly look like trying to keep a relationship secret. In the end James disappears first to dance with Sirius, who returns after two songs, and the second time he leaves for the dance floor on his own. He hasn’t returned yet.

Regulus doesn’t keep throwing glances towards the dance floor. He absolutely doesn’t. The fact he ends up spotting James is just because James is a very showy dancer, as enthusiastic about this as he is about everything else. His dance partner looks delighted by it. She keeps touching him on his arms and chest, keeps pressing closer against him than Regulus sees necessary for dancing, and laughs every time James says something to her.

Regulus hates it.

When James leans closer to her to say something else, putting his arms around her waist, Regulus has had enough. He’s seen how these things go with James enough times to be certain that within the next ten minutes he will see the two making out against a wall somewhere.

“I’m going to get another drink,” he mumbles to no one in particular. The remaining friends on the table are currently too deeply invested in a round of Exploding Snap to pay him any mind when he gets up.

Regulus has absolutely no intention of buying himself a drink. He truly cannot remember the last time he did that. But if James can forget their agreement for a night (especially considering it was him that had need for it to begin with) then there is nothing stopping Regulus from flirting his way to another glass of his favourite cocktail either.

The bar is full, so he stands nearby, his mostly empty glass of Pearl Amor between his fingers as he lets his gaze wander across the dance floor, avoiding the area where James was last dancing at. He does regret his choice of shirt now. Because while he truly hadn’t thought about it too much before leaving for Evan’s, his friends were right, this really isn’t the kind of outfit that would usually get him attention the quickest. He briefly considers if he knows a spell to shorten the length of his shirt but comes up flat. And also doesn’t particularly want to ruin it. Instead all he does is undo a button on it to let it fall more loosely and leans against the wall.

When he’s just taking the last sip of his drink someone does approach him. The guy is not his usual type, probably a little younger than him and also blonde, but he’s pretty and tall and Regulus is currently not very picky.

“Your glass looks rather empty,” the man notes cheerfully.

Regulus lowers the glass, looks wistfully into it, then at his new conversation partner. “A tragedy, truly.”

“What did you have? It looked very blue.”

Inwardly Regulus rolls his eyes. This guy really has no idea how to flirt. Still he gives him the name of the drink with a little smile hidden in the corner of his lips.

“Hm, I’ve no tried that one before. I’m Archie, by the way.”

“Regulus,” Regulus says.

“Lovely name,” says Archie. “Are you named after the star?”

That does take Regulus by surprise. “I am,” he confirms. “I didn’t expect you to pick up on that.”

“I find the stars very fascinating,” Archie says with a wink, the double meaning a little bit on the nose for Regulus but he’ll take it. “You don’t strike me as a leo, am I misreading that or did your parents not decide to name you based on astrology?”

“Not an astrology name, I fear,” Regulus sighs. He adores astronomy. He really does. But everything that verges too far into the divination part of it he is not too convinced of. He doesn’t need celestial bodies to have any more influence on his life than they already do.

Archie hums non-committal. In fairness Regulus is really not giving him anything to go off of and continue the conversation. And he would love to flirt back better but unfortunately he just got a glimpse of James still grinding against that girl and his mouth got a little dry and his brain a little empty.

James seems to have felt his gaze, because a second later their eyes meet. Regulus does not like feeling like he got caught staring when that was so not what was going on, so he frowns and quickly turns back to Archie. “I don’t think I’ve seen you before,” he notes, leaving the sentence open for Archie to pick up.

“Oh, I’m not surprised. I never went to Hogwarts.”

“Your parents taught you?”

Archie lets out a little laugh. “No, I went to Muggle schools. I didn’t get the magic gene, sadly, skipped right over me. Both my older and younger sibling got it though, it’s really quite annoying.”

“Oh,” Regulus says empathetically, “I can imagine.” If Sirius had gone to Hogwarts and Regulus hadn’t he doesn’t think he would have survived that. In fairness, it’s doubtful his parents would have even let him live in the first place had he been a Squib.

Archie hums again. He seems a lot less bothered by it than Regulus would. But then again, he’s had his whole life to get used to it already. “So, Regulus...” he lets the name hang in the stuffy air for a moment before continuing. “Can I possibly convince you to dance with me?”

Regulus pretends to give this a minute thought before replying. “I’d love to but I’m really quite thirsty,” he says. A bit more direct than he’d usually go, but it at least seems to work on Archie.

“A Pearl Amor, you said?” Regulus nods. “How about I’ll get us both one of those and then you’ll give me that dance?”

Regulus already has his flirty little reply laid out on his tongue when a different voice cuts in. “How about you don’t do that?”

Archie startles and whips around, “Excuse me?”

“Very sorry to interrupt your conversation,” James says, not sounding sorry in the least, “but I think it’s time that I collect Regulus again.”

“James,” Regulus says coldly. Of course he’d stop him from making the best of this evening.

“Oh, you know each other?” Archie asks, visibly uncomfortable now.

“He’s my date,” James says. “And I get that he’s pretty and I understand wanting to spend time with him but unfortunately I’m a bit on the jealous side so I’ll have to stop this right here.”

Archie takes a step back. “I didn’t know,” he promises, looking between Regulus and James. “Sorry, I wouldn’t have insisted otherwise. It was nice meeting you,” he gives a little nod to Regulus, then quickly ducks back into the crowd before Regulus can even say anything back.

“Fantastic. Thanks, Potter.”

“You can’t go off flirting with other people in front of our friends when we’re supposed to be dating,” James huffs.

“What, but you can?”

“What?” James asks taken aback.

“I’ve seen you, James.”

“I wasn’t flirting with anyone.”

“Yeah but you sure as fuck let it happen to you.”

James blinks at him owlishly. “No I didn’t.”

Regulus rolls his eyes and starts turning away, not in the mood for this in the least.

James wraps his hand around his wrist and stops him. “I was just dancing.”

“And I was just talking,” Regulus retorts.

A short pause. “I see.”

“Do you?”

“I didn’t realise I was being flirted with, if that makes it better.”

“You don’t have to justify to me what you do with your life,” Regulus says pointedly. Hopes James gets the hint that he also doesn’t have a say in Regulus’ life. Certainly not when they’re doing more or less the same thing.

“Were you actually interested in him?” James asks quietly. He is still holding onto Regulus’ wrist.

Regulus rolls his eyes. “I just wanted him to buy me a drink.”

“Oh,” James says. Looks at Regulus’ empty glass. Looks at the bar. Then at Regulus. “What do you want?”

“What?”

“I’ll buy you a drink. What do you want?”

“This is ridiculous, James.”

“What do you want?” James repeats.

Regulus still hesitates. Why does he always hesitate when it’s James who offers him those things when he goes out of his way to make other people do the same for him?

“Come on,” James prompts gentle now, a teasing smile on his lips. “I’ll get you a drink and then you’ll dance with me.”

Regulus raises an eyebrow. “Aren’t we supposed to pretend this is a secret?”

“I danced with Sirius earlier,” James shrugs. “Don’t see why this should be any different. It’s just dancing.”

Yeah. Just dancing. “Fine,” Regulus relents. “Pearl Amor.”

“Be right back–” the way James voice is still raised at the end makes it so clear he intended to have the sentence run on. Regulus appreciates how much effort James is putting into the lack of pet names, but the fact that they’re still always heard in the silence of a sentence unfinished leaves Regulus a little twitchy. He wants to hear it. Knows that he would fold far too quickly if he ever did.

James makes quick work of acquiring drinks. Somehow he even managed to convince the bartender to get Regulus’ glass a sugar-coated brim. Regulus doesn’t want to know if it was bribery or flirtations that got him there, he is fairly sure he would not enjoy the answer. “Thanks,” he says begrudgingly when he accepts the glass.

“Cheers,” James says brightly, clinking their glasses together.

“Cheers,” Regulus mutters before proceeding to hide his warm face behind his drink. At least he’ll get to blame the colour in his cheeks on the alcohol. No one needs to know it’s that stupid, lovely smile James regards him with that has the effect on him. Or worse yet, the fact that for the second time in not even two weeks James has called Regulus his date and how very convincing his jealousy felt. It’s starting to do things to Regulus, and he fears they may be permanent.

The downside of hiding behind a glass of Pearl Amor is that it turns into an empty glass of Pearl Amor all too quickly. Which means that Regulus is now left looking awkwardly around while James finishes his own drink. He did promise him a dance, after all.

“I’ll take this back to the bar,” James says when he’s swallowed the last drop, gently taking Regulus’ glass from him. “I’ll be back in a second, you just wait here.”

Regulus honestly considers leaving for a good ten seconds. It would probably be better for his own mental health. He’s danced plenty before. Has watched James dance plenty before. He’s never combined the two. What if he forgets how to dance? What if his hands end up getting sweaty and James notices? He’d have to die of mortification.

Unfortunately he doesn’t leave and when James returns he is still standing in the very same spot he left him in. Regulus should really start making better decisions.

“Alright then,” James says. “Should we?”

He looks so incredibly awkward it actually eases the tension in Regulus’ spine. “Is this usually how you ask people to dance?” he asks with a snort.

“Usually I don’t ask people to dance after they’ve cursed me out right before,” James admits. “Also usually they’re not my best friend’s little brother who likes looking at me like he despises me and whom I’m pretending to secretly date.”

Regulus makes a point of looking at James as if he despises him before grabbing his hand and pulling him through the crowd towards where the music is loudest.

The speakers are blaring loud enough the lyrics get distorted, the bass is beating nearly as hard as Regulus’ heart and the flashing lights make it dizzying to look at James.

It’s not a song Regulus knows which leaves him a little uncertain of his movements. James seems to catch onto that. Raises his eyebrows at Regulus, gives his head a little tilt, and Regulus a lopsided grin. Then he puts his hands on Regulus’ waist, pulls him closer, and Regulus is losing his mind.

“Oh, you good?” James asks, immediately pulling him even closer when Regulus goes a little wobbly from the touch and stumbles.

“I’m good,” Regulus mumbles. His face is so fucking red. He just hopes the lights on the dance floor will hide that fact from James.

James is moving against him in ways that should not be fucking legal. Regulus doesn’t think he’s moving at all. At least not on his own accord, although the hands on his waist have travelled down to his hips where they gently lead him along to the beat of the song.

“Come on, Reg,” James speaks next to his ear and he is so close Regulus can smell him. “I know you usually dance better than that. Just one dance. Let me have that. Please?”

Regulus lets out the tiniest whimper. He is so fucked right now. This is worse than he thought ever possible. He does his best to comply, though, wrapping his arms around James’ neck and trying to shift his focus enough to the music to actually make out a rhythm to sway his hips to.

He is rewarded for his effort with a wide smile in James’ voice as he says, “There you go. Well done.”

And Regulus would quite like to die.

“Don’t praise me unless you intend to fuck me as well,” Regulus snaps, the honesty wrapped in layers of bite baring its teeth at James.

James gives a weird choked off noise which he attempts to cover up with a cough. Regulus would apologise for making him uncomfortable, but also, quite honestly, he is the one who deserves an apology right now for being made to suffer through whatever fever dreams and filthy fantasies James is currently putting him through.

James gives his hip a little push, putting distance between them and twirling Regulus underneath his arm.

Not what Regulus wanted to achieve with his comment, but certainly what he desperately needed. James is too good at this. James is too good at everything, most of all at pushing all of Regulus’ buttons at the same fucking time. He doesn’t say anything for the rest of the song. Also doesn’t pull Regulus back against him again.

When the song ends Regulus isn’t sure if he is disappointed or glad when James lets go of him completely.

“Thanks for the drink,” he says. “I’m going to get some fresh air.” And without another word he leaves James standing on the dance floor.

 

—

 

James also needs fresh air. Desperately so. Honestly, he needs a cold shower at this point.

Damn him for thinking dancing with Regulus would be fun. He’s never really considered people hot, but holy shit.

When Regulus’s left him he just stands there on the dance floor between several other sweaty couples grinding against each other. Someone is trying to dance with him, moving in his general direction, but James is too out of it to react or even properly notice, really. At some point he gets his wits about him and rejoins his friends.

“Where did you leave Regulus?” Pandora asks curiously.

“He wanted to get some fresh air.”

“And you didn’t accompany him?”

“I don’t think he wanted me to.”

Pandora hums thoughtfully, then turns to her conversation with Evan as if James had never been there.

Miraculously James manages to act perfectly normal for the rest of the evening. Regulus comes back at some point, sitting down as far away from James as possible. It stings, but it’s also probably better this way because if Regulus was any closer James would most likely really have to go and find a quiet cubicle in the bar’s bathroom.

He is quite proud of himself for how normal he is about it all. Even when his heart beats faster just looking at Regulus he manages to talk very evenly. And when Lily asks him to dance later in the night he doesn’t let the thought of Regulus against his chest impact him in the slightest. He’s doing incredibly well.

That is, at least, until they’ve all gathered outside the Modern Mage at the end of the night to say their goodbyes. And Mary suggests a proper home party the coming weekend, which is quickly established should take place at James’ place. Doesn’t really matter that he didn’t even offer up his flat, his friends invited themselves over and honestly, James doesn’t mind.

“We should play truth or dare!” Pandora calls out excitedly, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “I can even get us some Veritaserum!”

“Ohhh, yes, just like in school!” Mary immediately agrees and gets enough resonating nods that this, too, is quickly set in stone.

And James panics.

“Hey Reg? Do you have time to come over tomorrow?” he blurts out far too loud considering where they’re currently located in the midst of all their friends.

There are a lot of oooohs and Reg’s gonna get its and one annoyed “We are supposed to have horror night tomorrow” from Barty.

James knows it’s too late to take his words back. Doesn’t even want to take them back, just wishes he hadn’t asked in front of everyone. “I have a strategy training tomorrow,” he quickly makes up his reasoning for the group. “I wanted to talk things through with Reg afterwards, it helps to internalise things.”

“Uh huh, strategy training again,” Mary mocks. “Just like the last time when you sent me a selfie afterwards?”

James just looks pleadingly at Regulus, who looks back with a frown. He doesn’t know how to convey that he really needs Regulus to come over tomorrow without spelling it out for him.

“Sure,” Regulus hesitantly agrees eventually, “If it doesn’t take longer than ‘till six that’s fine.”

“It shouldn’t,” James tries his best to promise.

“Yeah, I bet it won’t,” Evan says, making a rather explicit movement with his hips in James’ direction.

“I don’t know when the last time’s been that you’ve sat on a broom, Rosie,” James says, trying his best at a deadpan expression, “but that is not how you fly.”

 

James does have a strategy meeting on Saturday morning, he wasn’t lying about that. After they’ve all left for the night he sent Regulus a quick text about when he’ll be back home, saying Regulus can come to him whenever he wants to.

Regulus apparently wants to get it over with rather quickly. He shows up not even half an hour after James did, stepping into his flat expectantly, none of the uncertainty from the previous meetings left.

“Way to be subtle about it, Potter,” he drawls. “Asking me over in front of all our friends is your new way of doing a secret relationship?”

“I panicked,” James admits. “I didn’t think clearly.”

“Clearly.”

“Sorry. I do hope they believed me about the Quidditch thing.”

Regulus snorts. “We both know they absolutely did not. At least half of them are convinced we will use the time to fuck and the other half is probably confused about your intentions with me.”

James grimaces.

“So, what’s going on?”

“Truth or dare,” James says. “In a week.”

Regulus blinks at him in confusion. “What about it?”

“Pandora wants to bring Veritaserum.”

“...Okay?”

“Reg,” James says slowly. Really, for how smart Regulus claims he is he is really not catching on here. “I don’t know about you, but I have not built up some great resistance to Veritaserum. We are pretending to date, or something like that. If they ask us any kinds of questions during truth or dare, and we are forced to tell the truth, it doesn’t matter how well we are playing our roles here, because they will know.”

“Oh,” Regulus says. Then he says nothing.

“Oh,” James says as well when the silence has spread on for too long.

“Any ideas of what we should do?”

James is not a fan of admitting this next part. It’s not exactly something to be proud of. But it’s a necessary not-quite-evil and it’s his only way out, as far as he can tell. “I’m shit at lying,” he says.

Regulus huffs out a laugh. “No shit.”

“But,” James continues, “I’ve gotten really quite good at avoiding the truth by only telling parts of it. I think we can probably make use of that.”

Regulus considers him for a while, drawing his knees up to his chest while leaning deeper into the sofa cushions. “I’m listening.”

“I’ve obviously not thought all of the possibilities through, I don’t know what mean things they’ll come up with, and I also don’t think they’ll make it all about our maybe relationship. But, for example, if they straight up ask us if we’re dating then we can go with something along the lines of ‘well, we’ve been on dates’, because we have. Objectively speaking, I did take you out on dates, so that’s not a lie. We don’t have to specify exactly what the nature of the date was. Friendship dates and the likes exist.”

Regulus gives a tiny nod in agreement.

“If they ask us if we’re hooking up, we can truthfully reply that we are not. It still makes sense, right? Like, it fits our entire story we made up at the beginning. So it’s fine if they know that we’re not having sex.”

“So where do you have your issues? So far that sounds good,” Regulus says. His expression has gone blank again and James has no idea why.

James gnaws on his bottom lip. The ring on his finger has suddenly become very interesting as he contemplates how to bring up that next point. “We’ve never kissed,” he says, a blush creeping up his neck. “I don’t know how to fit that into our narrative. It makes no sense, because our entire fake dating was based on us starting out making out drunkenly. And I have no idea how to evade the truth about not having done that.”

Regulus stills completely. He doesn’t look away from James but he doesn’t also not look away from him. Just somehow looks through him.

“Do you think we can just... not reply at all? Maybe not join the game?”

“Would you ever not join a game of truth or dare?”

James shrivels in on himself a little. “No, I guess not... I miss silly drinking games with our friends...”

“If you refuse to reply they’ll take it to mean whatever they want it to mean, so that’s a valid option,” Regulus says flatly. “You just need to be able to say no.”

“You’re doubting I can say no in a game of truth or dare?” James asks a little offended.

“Yes,” Regulus says bluntly. “Considering you brought this up as a problem I do doubt your ability to say no in a game of truth or dare.”

James doesn’t like admitting that Regulus is right, so he stays quiet instead.

There is another minute of silence and it’s making James itchy. He twists the ring on his middle finger around and around until Regulus finally says the thing James has been thinking of for the whole time. “We could just kiss.”

Regulus’ voice is flat, detached, and when James looks up Regulus is still not really focussing his eyes on him.

“There’s gotta be a different way to get around this,” James tries to reason. “What would you say if they asked you?”

Regulus looks at him coldly. “Nothing.”

“And Evan would let you get away with that?”

“No.”

“So then what?”

“What do you want me to say, James? Do you not want me to come to that party? Want me to go find someone else called James to make out with so I can truthfully say that ‘yes, I’ve kissed James’? Is that it?”

James frowns. Doesn’t like the way the mere idea is making his chest hurt with jealousy.

“If so then good luck finding someone else with my name to make out with so you’re safe from it as well.”

I don’t want to find someone else to make out with, James nearly blurts out. He can’t say that. Can’t tell Regulus that since they’ve started this thing it’s gotten increasingly more difficult to even look at other people. In the end he just looks away, pressing his lips shut tightly.

“It’s just a kiss,” Regulus snaps. “Don’t worry, I won’t read more into it.”

And James isn’t sure if that’s the entire reason he is so hesitant about it. He wants to kiss Regulus. So badly. But not for some pretence. He doesn’t want it to be a lie. He doesn’t want it to mean nothing to Regulus, because to James it’ll still mean far too much. And that wouldn’t be fair on Regulus, not when he is glaring at James like he blames him for all things ever having gone wrong. Not when even that makes James’ heart beat faster and catch in his throat.

“It doesn’t seem fair on you,” James says quietly. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’ll live,” Regulus huffs. “So you can stop that moral righteousness crap you’re doing. I don’t care.”

“I care though,” James mumbles.

“It’s your stupid fucking problem we’re trying to keep a secret here,” Regulus says sharply and James can feel a shard of panic piercing through his lungs. “Do you want to fix it or not?”

James swallows hard. Tries to breathe past that tear in his lungs slowly expanding. Gives a tiny nod.

“Then just kiss me already and get it over with.”

Alright. So Regulus doesn’t care about what this kiss might mean to James. So what. This wasn’t how James imagined his first kiss with Regulus would go, if they ever had one. But he’ll get over that, too.

Regulus is still glaring, eyes cold and hands balled into fists in his lap. James doesn’t ask him again if he’s sure about this. Doesn’t want a repeat of last time. Regulus has made it clear enough that he does not appreciate James doubting his decisions. Even if James is very much doubting his own when he leans forward. Slowly, his eyes still fixed on Regulus as long as he can, waiting for him to pull back or tell him no or give the slightest flinch.

It doesn’t come.

Regulus just sits there on the sofa, legs crossed, hands in his lap as he glares at James and waits for him to close the distance between them.

When James is close enough that he can feel Regulus’ breath on his own lips he pauses again. It is only then that something changes in Regulus’ face. A slight blush appearing across his cheeks, an uncertainty flitting across his eyes.

“We don’t have to do this,” James whispers.

Regulus gives his head a little shake. Then he closes his eyes, leans forward, and James forgets how to breathe.

 

—

 

James’ lips are hot and soft and a little chapped and better than anything Regulus could have ever imagined. At the first contact James lets out a tiny noise of surprise which Regulus’ mind will absolutely replay later and put into a different, inappropriate context.

It is a bit uncomfortable with how far they’re sitting apart, James definitely straining his neck with how he has to lean over to reach Regulus. He seems to have come to the same conclusion because he shifts, moving ever so slightly closer, putting one hand dangerously close next to Regulus’ upper thigh on the sofa while he balances himself with his other hand against Regulus’ shoulder. At the contact a shiver goes through Regulus and involuntarily he shifts closer to James as well, his body moving all on its own accord. He is glad that James can’t currently see him because the mortification at his own reaction makes blood rise high in his cheeks.

Theoretically Regulus know there exists no rational reason to continue this kiss. To make it more than a quick little peck on the lips. If someone asked James under truth serum if he’s kissed Regulus he wouldn’t struggle finding a plausible reply, he could with full confidence now say that yes, they have kissed. Unfortunately however, with James’ lips on his, the rational part of Regulus’ brain is currently very much not accessible. Which only worsens when James gently nips at his lower lip in a tentative but obvious request to deepen the kiss.

James Potter is going to fucking kill him, is the only other thought Regulus can form besides yes, please, more as he parts his lips to give James what he asked for.

He wants to touch him. So badly. But he knows that as soon as he lets himself put his hands on James any sort of promise he made to him for not reading into this will fly out of the window. If he starts touching James he will not know how to stop. How to not run his hands under his shirt, across his chest, up his back, into his hair. The one boundary James set for him, which Regulus is not going to break.

James doesn’t seem to have those same qualms because the hand on Regulus’ shoulder starts travelling, slowly sliding up his neck, eliciting yet another shiver from Regulus. It comes to rest on the nape of his neck, playing with the fine hairs growing there, curling them around his fingers, twisting them in and tugging slightly in the process and Regulus fucking whines. This is already too much, every single fibre of Regulus’ being is set on fire. James tastes of everything Regulus has ever wanted and Regulus craves more, craves to fill the hollow in his chest with James’ touch and smell and taste, with the feeling of his tongue following the curve of Regulus’ lips and his hand sliding higher up, burying properly into Regulus’ curls, merging with him.

A shaky breath escapes him and he presses closer, into the touch of James’ fingers gently scraping over his skull, and into the kiss itself, biting James’ lip, gently tugging on it, licking over the spot soothingly a second later. There is a little breathy noise falling from James’ mouth onto Regulus’ tongue and it is the sweetest thing he has ever tasted, intoxicating and alluring, and he never wants to taste anything else again.

He knows he needs to end the kiss. Knows if he keeps kissing James like this he will reveal things that he promised James wouldn’t be an issue. Knows all of this is a terrible idea but he is anchored to James, the little points of contact they share tying them together too firmly for Regulus to know how to break it.

He digs his fingernails harder into his palms, pressing his balled-up hands deeper into his lap to keep them away from James. Reminding himself that tangling his hands in James’ hair isn’t something he is allowed to do is getting more and more difficult by the second. He is losing track of what is real and what is pretence, where his dreams start and their agreement ends.

That is until James pulls back. Slides his hand from his hair and leans away from Regulus, leaving him cold and dazed and with a tight knot of something akin to heartbreak tangled in his throat.

James’ eyes are closed, his glasses slightly askew on his nose, a dark flush high on his cheeks. Regulus can’t do anything but stare, not sure if he wants to cry or lean in to kiss him some more or hide away from shame.

When James finally opens his eyes he looks at Regulus for only a second before he clears his throat in embarrassment and tuns his eyes towards the ceiling instead. “Well,” he says and his voice comes out all wrong, pulling that knot in Regulus' throat tighter. “I think that should be good enough for our friends.”

Notes:

dedicating this chapter to fen for coffee purposes

the beginning scenei thought about sooooo long if i should include. i originally didnt have it, because i felt like it was interfering with my story telling progression, and also is kind of? boring? but like they did fight and only adressing in passing that they talked through things in the future felt a little dismissive so in the end i wrote this scene from sirius perspective (fun stuff wohoo) and then rewrote it again from james pov.

this just in i fucking hate having to come up with magical cocktail names this has taken up far too much time already and ive literally only done 2 so far. this one is, by the way, love potion inspired cause i gave up eventually and went main ingredient for love potion + literal love. gotta taste nice, right? ugh.

anyway!! they kissed!! isnt that just so fun!!!
i wrote the entire kiss scene from james' pov first and while i recycled most of my descriptions i do have to say james is just that tiny bit more desperate about it lmao poor guy was fighting for his life there it made me giggle when i reread it just now

(if anyone cares to see those abandoned povs im not opposed to sharing them, just be warned, theyre overall not much different from the final version so it might be a bit boring)

EDIT: here are the abadoned povs :) (sirius pov, james kiss pov)

find me on tumblr :)

Chapter 9: If You Could Look Into the Future

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Last Party by MIKA (one of THE james songs to me btw)

Regulus practically runs from James’ flat after that kiss. He has enough manners to kindly decline James’ awkward invitation for lunch, but it is clear to Regulus it was an invitation purely out of politeness anyway. He’ll not be overstaying his welcome, and certainly not after having just had one of the best kisses of his life from a guy who only has an aversion to kissing Regulus, specifically.

It was a bit much for two days. Dancing with James and then kissing him... Regulus doesn’t know how he is ever supposed to be normal about this again. Wonders if he’ll even be given the option. Maybe this has ruined it all anyway. With how James refused to look Regulus in the eye after he had broken off the kiss Regulus wouldn’t be surprised if he’d also want to break off their agreement to figure out some different solution to his problem that doesn’t involve Regulus at all.

At least he can say he got to kiss James Potter once in his life. At least he has that going for him, if nothing else.

Regulus had been looking forward to holing himself up in his room and wallowing a little (and also maybe replaying the events of the past twenty-four hours over and over) so when he gets home and gets greeted by Evan already hovering in his flat he nearly turns around to walk right out again.

“Hi Reggie,” Evan greets innocently, which has never been a good sign ever.

“Hi,” Regulus says guarded.

“How was your lover boy?”

Regulus absolutely despises his body for betraying him like this when his face immediately heats up with the memory of James kissing him pressing firmly into the forefront of his mind. “Fine,” Regulus huffs, senselessly hoping against all hope that Evan maybe won’t pick up on his blush. Or at least not call him out on it. “He’s a bit nervous about his next match in two weeks so he keeps talking my ears off with all his strategies.”

“Mmm,” Evan grins smugly, “I’m sure you’re a great stress reliever for him.”

“I’m not fucking him,” Regulus says coldly to stop the conversation right there before it gets a chance to develop into something.

“You know, Reggie, you keep saying that, but I don’t think you actually know what those words in that order mean,” Barty announces, coming out of the bathroom to join their conversation.

Regulus gives his flatmate a betrayed look. “Really, now? I thought you were on my side.”

“He was.” Evan’s grin only widens. “That was until I found a very suspiciously red shirt in your room.”

“What the fuck were you doing in my room,” Regulus snaps, not even caring about the implications right there. He just really doesn’t like anyone going into his room without his knowledge or explicit permission. He’d love to put a sign on his door again but it’s not as if that has ever stopped anyone before.

Evan only shrugs. “I was bored, Barty was busy, and you weren’t here. I borrowed one of your books.”

Regulus closes his eyes and breathes through his nose, slowly counting to five. When he feels like he is not going to immediately hex Evan he opens his eyes again. “Do not. Go into my room,” he says, glaring at Evan. “I will curse you.”

“You’re so dramatic,” Evan pouts. “And also evading my question.”

“I am not evading your question, I’m setting boundaries for my own room. Again.”

“Alright,” Evan sighs as if Regulus has asked some excruciating task of him. “I won’t enter your room without your express permission.”

Regulus hates him a bit for still making fun of him for that, so he just glares at him a little harder. When he feels his displeasure got across well enough he makes a move to turn away to have a couple nice, quiet hours in his own room before their movie night, but of course his friends won’t let him have that either.

“I do want to know what explanation you’ve thought up for why you have Potter’s shirt in your closet,” Barty says, leaning against the wall of the hallway in a way that doesn’t leave space for Regulus to pass into his room.

Regulus doesn’t have an explanation. In fact, he hasn’t even thought it necessary to make one up, which now seems rather short sighted on his end. “I don’t know,” Regulus says. “I’m assuming it got here through my brother somehow.”

“Oh, is your brother fucking James in your room now?” Barty asks, putting on an impressively convincing facade of earnest surprise.

His body can’t even decide if he should react with disgust or jealousy or just plain annoyance at that sentence which results in an empty, vacant look towards Barty.

“You know, Bee, I’ve always wondered what they’ve got going on,” Evan hums contemplatively. “They are a bit close for just being friends, they’ve gotta have done it, right? But why here, don’t they both have their own flat?”

“Maybe that’s what they’re into,” Barty plays along. “Sirius has always struck me as someone who feels the need to mark his territory...”

“You’re revolting,” Regulus says, finally settling on disgust. “My brother is in a happy relationship with Remus, thank you very much.”

“I don’t know if I’d call it happy, they both seem rather miserable at the moment,” Evan mumbles.

Regulus doesn’t really know what to say to that. He’s not paid too much attention to Remus, but he does have his phases of being a bit down so he wouldn’t be too surprised if Sirius doing badly made that worse at the moment. “Sirius knows better than to still go into my room without permission,” Regulus says instead, very pointedly looking at Evan.

Barty crosses his arms, conspiratorially leaning towards Evan and Regulus. “See, that’s what I also thought. Which is why I feel like it’s the other Black brother who’s responsible for making Potter lose his shirts in our flat.”

“Maybe I’m only trying to make you believe I’m fucking James by planting false clues,” Regulus deadpans.

Barty snorts. Evan actually breaks out into a fit of giggles. “That’d be a bit pathetic even for you,” Barty says. “You’d do many things, but that? Come on, Reg.”

Well, good to know that his friends at least believe he has some kind of dignity left. They clearly think a lot higher of him than warranted.

Regulus just shrugs. “Guess you’ll have to wonder then.”

“You can’t just leave us hanging like that?” Evan stumbles over his words, mildly panicked at the prospect of not getting all of the gossip. “We’re your best friends, you’re supposed to tell us these things!”

“I don’t like you right now,” Regulus says bluntly. “Had you not snuck into my room I might have considered it, but not like this.”

“I’ve not snuck into your room,” Barty points out, “You could just tell me.”

“If I tell you I might just as well tell Evan, so not happening, thank you.”

“But Reggie–”

“Remember that for next time you feel like snooping around in my things,” Regulus says. “I need to do some reading for my lecture on Monday, so please let me through?” he adds towards Barty, who mercifully does step aside, despite the whiny noises coming from Evan.

 

—

 

It’s the longest week James has ever had. He wants to talk to Sirius so badly, wants to tell him all the things that have been happening for the past two months, but not only would that defeat the entire point, by now he feels like he can’t tell him.

Sure, under normal circumstances Sirius might happily support James and Regulus dating, but these aren’t normal circumstances. There is nothing normal about this. Pretending to have a secret relationship is one thing. But having a very real kiss to support that pretend relationship is another thing completely. And James does not think Sirius would be all that pleased with James essentially taking advantage of his little brother. Using the (in fairness very real) excuse of protecting Sirius for fulfilling his own two-years long fantasy of making out with Regulus. It doesn’t sound all that nice when he thinks about it.

All James has been doing for the past week is choking on the butterflies in his stomach as he remembers the kiss, and choking on the guilt for somehow pushing Regulus to kiss him.

It doesn’t really help with the general low-lying panic he’s been dealing with ever since he got the schedule for his try-out games. This was supposed to help, but instead James has gotten worse and worse at sleeping through a night. Struggling to fall asleep, struggling even more to stay asleep, waking up from dreams of ruining his career, of ruining his friendships, of Sirius despising him, or dying, or both. James just wants all of this to be over.

He’s not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse that he doesn’t even get to have a weekend for himself. He’d probably use it to overthink even more, but also a break every now and then would be nice, maybe. At least, he tells himself, at least Sirius will be there as well. And even if it’s not going to be the untroubled alone time for hanging out which James still misses, it’s still his best friend regardless.

It does get a whole lot better when on Friday afternoon from the depths of James’ bedside table his own name is called several times. It takes a minute for James to locate the two-way-mirror, but when it lies all too familiar in his hand he grins at it. “Padfoot! What happened to your phone?”

“Don’t even mention it,” Sirius groans. “Most embarrassing thing ever. I had another job interview earlier and they were so nice and I really, really want to start there and I think they also want me? Possibly. But I was chatting with the girl running the front shop and got so distracted that I fully just left my phone lying on the counter there and didn’t realise until I was already home.”

“You’re not going back to get it?”

“Would love to, but they’ve already closed. And because it’s my fucking luck they’re obviously closed this Saturday specifically so I can’t get it until Monday... I did send them an email to let them know but they’ve not gotten back to me yet...”

“Damn,” James hums. “That properly sucks. Hence the mirror.”

“Hence the mirror,” Sirius agrees. “I just hope they’ve collected it for me, I really can’t afford a new phone at the moment.”

“It’ll be fine,” James promises. “Will just suck for the weekend.”

“I’ll just have to annoy you more now that I can’t talk to anyone else.”

James really tries not to look too pleased at it, but also, who can blame him, really.

“Anyway, reason I called in the first place. I assume you want to go shopping for the party tomorrow morning. Do you want company for that?”

“Absolutely I do want company for that. I do have training until eleven though, if you want you can pick me up from work and we can go together?”

Sirius grins widely. “Sounds like a plan. I’ll see you tomorrow morning then!”

James smiles fondly at his best friend, feeling so much better just from the prospect of some Sirius time the coming day. “See you tomorrow,” he agrees quietly.

When Sirius puts the mirror aside and James’ half turns back into a normal mirror, he can see his own reflection smiling back at him. Then his eyes land on the bookshelf behind him, and he suddenly recalls that he has a library book he has to return at some point. “Fuck, Sirius!” he calls startled by his own mind helpfully providing him with information far too fucking late.

Sirius reflection flickers back into view. “What else?”

“When I... uh, last time I was at yours,” James says, not necessarily appreciating having to talk about that again. Sure they’ve called the day after the argument to talk about the hurtful things they’ve said to each other, but he’d rather still forget they were said in the first place. “I think I left a book at yours.”

“Since when do you read?” Sirius asks teasingly, though he does get up to go hunting for the missing book. “What book?”

“Rilke poems,” James says. “It’s a library book, so I actually need it back.”

James can see Sirius stopping in his hallway. “I thought that was Remus’ book,” he says, looking betrayed in a way that doesn’t sit quite right with James. “I put it on my bookshelf for him.”

“No, it’s a library book,” James explains again rather unnecessarily.

“I didn’t know you read poetry.”

“I’m trying to widen my horizon,” James says honestly. He’s purposefully leaving out the reason for why he is, though. He’d love to tell Sirius about that dog poem Regulus mentioned, but he hasn’t read it yet himself. He hasn’t even had time to look into the book yet, completely forgotten about its existence the moment he left Sirius’ flat.

Sirius still looks a little unhappy about that revelation, but doesn’t make another comment. As he keeps walking he says, “Sure. I’ll bring it with me when I pick you up tomorrow. Or do you need to give it back today already?”

James shakes his head. “Tomorrow is fine. Thank you so much, I love you.”

“No problem,” Sirius says, and finally, just before leaving the mirror call, that frown disappears from his face and he is smiling normally at James again.

 

“I’m so fucking exhausted,” James groans the second he sees Sirius, wrapping him in a weak hug, the muscles in his arms complaining even at this light movement.

Sirius returns the hug, doing all the proper squeezing that James currently can’t do. “Good thing I brought my bike, that’ll carry all the groceries for you.”

“Nice,” James hums, pulling back to look at his best friend. “So you’ll carry the stuff from the shop to the bike and then up into my flat?”

“Uh–” Sirius halts. “I’m sure your arms will be fine by then...”

James grins but doesn’t disagree.

“So Prongsie,” Sirius says, very not casually switching topics, “Since when am I your boyfriend?”

“Since when are you my boyfriend?” James asks confused.

“That’s what I asked.”

“And I have no idea why.”

“Oh, I had a little chat with the Gideon bloke while I was waiting for you to finish. Asked me if you and I have any more Quidditch dates planned.”

“Huh,” James says, the blood in his body slowly working its way up his neck, “What a very weird and highly curious thing.”

“Mm, yeah, it is, isn’t it?” Sirius says matching James’ befuddled tone. “Apparently we had a date like two weeks ago. Little private flying session. Somehow I don’t recall that one.”

James coughs awkwardly. “Yeah, me neither.”

“So your little meetups with Regulus have migrated from your flat to the outside world already?” Sirius asks, finally dropping the game.

“You said you wouldn’t ask about it anymore,” James reminds him quietly.

“I said that I’d trust you to tell me if there was anything important to tell,” Sirius corrects him. “Your boyfriend, James? I’d say that’s pretty darn important.”

“No, it’s not– I mean… Gideon read too much into things back then,” James hurries to say. “I just wanted to take him flying since he hasn’t in forever and calling it a date was the easiest way for Gideon to let him in with me when he’s very much not supposed to go here.”

Sirius raises an eyebrow at him and in that moment he looks so much like Regulus James isn’t in the least surprised Gideon ended up confusing the two. “Awfully convenient timing,” Sirius notes. “Spending more and more time with my brother to the point where you make other people believe on purpose that you’re dating? It’s a little odd, don’t you think?”

“I feel like you’re mad at me.” James pushes his sports bag higher on his shoulder in an attempt to make this situation feel more familiar. “Are you mad at me?”

“I’m not mad at you,” Sirius says but it comes out a little clipped. “I just want to know what’s really going on, because I feel like you’re not telling me the entire truth and I don’t like that.”

James also doesn’t like it. At all. For a second he considers just caving in and confessing everything right then and there. It’s a blissful idea, until he looks at Sirius properly, already half opening his mouth, and takes in the purple bags under his eyes, the only half-hearted attempt at eyeliner, the sickly pale sheen to his complexion. It’s only a couple more weeks, James tells himself. Only a tiny bit more time before Sirius will get a new job. Only a few weeks more until James is through all of his own stress. Not much longer and then he can actually tell Sirius what all of this is about, without having to fear he will put extra unnecessary stress on his best friend or worry how Sirius will receive the truth while he has neither the time nor the energy to deal with Sirius being upset with him. It’ll be fine, because it has to be fine.

“There’s really nothing going on with Reg and me,” James says. Two days ago this wouldn’t have felt as much as a lie as it does now. He still can’t stop thinking about that kiss. The way it felt a little too sincere.

Sirius looks at him with narrowed eyes. He doesn’t need to do Legilimency to read James’ mind when he looks at him like this. James’ body always betrays him under Sirius’ scrutinising eyes, making him twitchy all over.

“I don’t believe you,” Sirius finally says. “So I’m really quite curious for tonight.”

Yeah, I’m not, James doesn’t say. It makes him consider, however, that if he ends up admitting to dating Regulus tonight anyway because Veritaserum will make him... maybe he should just fess up to it now. Having Sirius find out along with everyone else feels... wrong. If the roles were reversed (with someone who is obviously not Regulus) James would very much be upset if a party, Veritaserum and a game of truth or dare was how he found out about this. Regardless of whether or not the relationship was real.

“It’s– I– uh...” he stutters.

Sirius just keeps giving him that look and waits.

“Maybe I’ve taken him out on a date,” James mumbles. His face is burning.

“One date?” Sirius asks neutrally.

James has no idea how to do this. “At least one...”

“But there’s nothing going on between you two.”

This was a bloody mistake. “Look, we’ve– it’s all still a little... I don’t really– yeah...”

“Okay,” Sirius says simply. “I see.”

“You do?”

He nods. “Do wish you would have told me about this sooner, and not just because of the looming threat of Veritaserum, though.”

“I wasn’t sure how. It was never really the right time with everything else happening.”

“I get it,” Sirius says, still that tiny bit of bitterness in his voice. “I mean are you even sure this is a smart idea? Regulus?”

James nervously twists the strap of his bag between his fingers, coming to a stop next to Sirius’ bike. “I thought you didn’t mind.”

“I don’t,” Sirius says. “I think you could be good together.” He shoves a motorcycle helmet into James’ arms, then climbs on his bike, putting his own on. Right before he closes the visor he gives James one last look and adds, “If he doesn’t break your heart before you get to that point.”

 

—

 

“How do things keep happening on Saturday?” Barty complains, making himself comfortable on Regulus’ bed with an issue of the Quidditch Times. “I feel like we barely ever have horror night anymore.”

“We had horror night last week,” Regulus notes, still typing away on his laptop while he is talking to Barty.

“Yeah, but Evan had to leave early. And the week before that we didn’t. And the week before that also not. We keep having parties or you keep fucking around with Potter and I don’t think that’s fair.”

“You sound a little needy.”

“I am a little needy. What do I live with my best friend for when he doesn’t even have time for our one tradition.”

Regulus sighs. Considers for a moment to save his document and give Barty the full attention he so desperately wants. In the end decides against it for at least a little while longer. He is nearly at the end of this section, and Barty has his magazine to finish reading.

Which clearly doesn’t capture his attention enough as he follows his complaint up with, “I think we should make horror night a fixed tradition. Highest priority. I don’t care about the parties.”

“I feel like you need another hobby, Barty. And maybe some more friends?”

“Prick,” Barty huffs. “I have plenty enough friends. I just wanna spend my time with them. Even Evan is too busy for me half the time. I don’t like that.”

“Maybe you should consider one of those PhD positions your professors keep alluding to. So you don’t have as much time being bored anymore.” Regulus deletes half of the sentence he just wrote and stares at his document, trying to figure out how to not make it sound completely stupid.

“I honestly might,” Barty sighs. “I think I’ll definitely hit up the bar I worked at again, see if they want me back for bartending.”

Regulus hums in agreement, typing another word before immediately deleting it again. He does not enjoy writing this paper in the slightest.

“How is your job hunting going?”

“My professor agreed to ten more hours a month, which is a start but definitely won’t be enough. I’ve not had any reply from the notice board yet. I’m very much considering also asking for a job at your bar.” He doesn’t want to do that in the slightest. Too many people and too much of a smile he has to put on.

“Would be fun to work together,” Barty hums.

Regulus snorts.

“Yeah, you’re right, it’d be dreadful,” Barty concedes. “You’d spend even less fun time with me.”

Regulus’ phone lights up. A quick glance to the side shows a text from James. Regulus sighs. He takes this as his final sign to concede and just give up for today. This paper is going nowhere right now and pretending otherwise will just ruin the rest of his day. He saves the document, then turns off his laptop.

“Oh, is this you finally making time for me?”

Regulus only hums, before unlocking his phone to see what James wanted.

James Potter
hey so
jsyk
sirius knows

Regulus stares at the texts for a good ten second before typing out his reply.

Regulus Black
Are you fucking stupid?

“Hey, Reg? Hello? Talk to me,” Barty whines.

“Give me a second, I need to text James,” Regulus huffs, watching the little dots signifying that James is typing.

“I liked it better when you were ignoring your need to fuck him,” Barty huffs. “Do I need to start wearing glasses and playing Quidditch so you will spare me a thought as well? I can also fuck you again, if you prefer.”

“No, thanks,” Regulus says distractedly, not rising to the bait.

James Potter
i mean honselty yeah, probably
but aslo this wasnt on me
hed fins out anyway tonight
and id rather i told him before cause that seemd less ean
m
mean

Regulus Black
We had a plan, James. What was your idea behind giving up on that now?

James Potter
oh
i realise my mistake sry
i meant i jjst told hi i took you on at least one date
i didnt tell him about the rest
but yk i just thought that if we will mst likely have to tell everyone
about some of it
tonight
its be better istarted with sirius befroe

Regulus hates the way James keeps starting a new line for every other word he needs to say. It takes up so stupidly much space. He glares at his phone for another moment until James sends one more message, a tentative I just thought you should know.

Regulus Black
Can’t say I’m thrilled about this. But thanks for letting me know.
I’ll see you later

James Potter
yeah thats fair
see you later x

“Aww, look at that, Potter is sending you kisses over text.”

Regulus quickly turns off his phone and places it face down on his desk, hand securely over it. “Stop snooping,” he says.

“What are you not thrilled about?” Barty asks unbothered.

“You reading my texts,” Regulus says bluntly.

“Not enough of them, though,” Barty says unperturbed by the comment. “What was it about?”

“None of your concern.”

“I think it should be, actually.”

“No,” Regulus huffs. “Do you still want my help with the muffins or not?”

Barty rolls his eyes. “Your methods of distraction suck.”

“Either you let them work or I’m not helping you.”

Barty sighs. “Alright then, let’s go.”

 

James looks somewhat on edge when he opens the door for them. Barty doesn’t seem to pick up on it, by the way he just gives James a quick fist bump and pushes past him to drop the still warm muffins off in the kitchen.

Regulus hesitates too long, standing frozen in the doorway just looking at James.

James raises his eyebrows. “Do you want to come in?”

Regulus nods, but still doesn’t move. He feels a little stupid about it, so he finally asks, “Are you okay?”

“Uhm,” James actually looks taken aback at the question. “Yeah?”

“Okay,” Regulus says.

“Why do you ask?” James asks warily.

“You look weird,” Regulus says curtly.

“You look weird,” James immediately shoots back, no second of thought going into the reply.

“Very original,” Regulus huffs. Then, his voice lowered ever so slightly, he adds, “But genuinely. You look a bit on edge. Maybe fix that before Sirius gets here.”

“Sirius is already here. Has been for the past several hours.” James rubs his hands over his face, surprisingly effectively smoothing out his tense face muscles. Behind his glasses his eyes are still a little too wide, though.

“I take it he hasn’t noticed then?” Regulus doesn’t mean for that to come out so judgingly, but he is, very much, being judgemental. Sirius is supposed to be James’ best friend. It doesn’t seem like a fair, even relationship if he can’t even notice James being upset.

“I was fine until Pandora showed up ten minutes ago,” James defends his best friend. “I’m just a little nervous, is all.”

Before Regulus can reply Barty calls from the living room, “Are you done making out yet and wanna join the rest of us?”

“I hate him,” Regulus huffs, but finally abandons his post at the door, James close behind him.

Besides his brother and flatmate only Pandora and Evan are there yet, all of them looking up expectedly when Regulus and James walk into the room.

Sirius is mustering him with some distrust. Regulus doesn’t like it at all. It feels too much like when he was fifteen all over again.

“Had fun kissing?” Evan grins at him.

“No,” Regulus replies flatly.

“What, Potter’s not good with his mouth?”

James huffs indignantly. “I’m excellent with my mouth, I’ll have you know. Ask Sirius.”

It’s only thanks to all the years living at Grimmauld Place that Regulus manages to not make a face of utter disgust at that notion. Or at Sirius’ words, when he replies, “He’s quite good at kissing, I guess. It’s been a while since I got a proper kiss from him.”

“Yeah, guess he moved on to the better Black brother now,” Barty contemplates.

“Fuck you,” Sirius sniffs. “I’m the better Black brother.”

“No, you’re not,” Regulus says.

“Yes, I am,” Sirius retorts. “James, back me up here.”

James holds up his hands defensively. “Uh, before you ask for that, do consider that most of the people in this room right now are Reg’s friends and will back him up, I don’t think you’ll win this right now, Pads.”

Sirius crosses his arms petulantly. “This sucks. Where are Moony and Wormtail, I need some support here.”

As if on cue the doorbell rings.

“Guess that answers your question,” James chuckles and goes to let in the new guests.

 

It takes a while for everyone to arrive. Regulus isn’t sure if it’s a relieve or a reason for more tenseness. James, certainly, hides his unease well enough, if he is feeling it still. He talks to his friends, jokes around, makes sure everyone has something to drink and opens up his impressive game collection. He never quite settles down, always jumping up again a second after he’s sat down to check on this or that, which Regulus would blame on obvious nerves, if it wasn’t for James always acting like that. Always ensuring everyone has the best experience staying in his flat.

“Are you aware you’re staring at him again?” Sirius asks quietly, sitting down next to Regulus.

“I’m not staring,” Regulus denies, looking away from James. “I’m merely watching. It’s impressive just how jumpy he is in an effort to make everyone happy.”

Sirius hums noncommittally.

“Just say what you want to say,” Regulus sighs. “You’ve been staring all day. I hate it. Makes me feel like you’re about to abandon me again.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius says, immediately shifting closer to Regulus, pressing their shoulders together. “I’m not going to abandon you.”

“I know,” Regulus says quietly. “It’s fine.”

“I’m just worried about him, is all,” Sirius shrugs.

Regulus snorts. So much for their plan of having Sirius not worry about James. “You don’t have to be.”

“You’re serious about him then?”

“That’s not what I said,” Regulus evades the question. He is serious about James. Their relationship, however, is not and there isn’t really much he can do about that.

“I know you don’t really do more than casual relationships. And James is the furthest from casual you can be.” There is no judgement to Sirius’ words. He is simply stating facts. “I just don’t want you to break his heart.”

“I won’t,” Regulus says. He’d love to be in a position where he even had that possibility. “Just don’t ask stupid questions later and it’ll be fine.”

Sirius frowns. “I want to know though.”

“Do you want to know because we have to tell you?”

“No, s’pose not...”

“So don’t ask stupid questions later.”

“What of everyone else’s questions?”

“Discourage them as well.”

Sirius gives a little laugh. “As if anyone of those could be discouraged from this, come on Reggie.”

“Then just make sure that you’re the one who gets to ask the question to James and me. You’re annoying and persistent enough, shouldn’t be difficult for you.”

“Maybe don’t insult me while you’re asking favours of me, I’m still your big brother,” Sirius notes.

Regulus nods. That’s the entire reason why Sirius will help them, and they both know it.

Sirius sighs in defeat. “I love you,” he says. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

Regulus doesn’t tell him that he’s been doing nothing but stupid things for the past several weeks.

 

—

 

It’s a nice evening. James is having fun. Things are wonderful. As long as he isn’t thinking about the looming horror corked up in a small bottle currently standing on his kitchen counter. Every single time he goes into the kitchen to fill up someone’s drink or get something to eat he looks at it and feels the cold fingers of dread scraping across his spine. He seriously considers getting rid of the bottle, just to make life more bearable for himself. Can’t go through with it in the end. So he is left with distracting everyone with different fun games, hoping that they’re all simply going to forget about their plans of truth or dare.

It’s not just about accidentally coming clean about the fact that his secret relationship is truly just a secret pretence. It isn’t even just about accidentally revealing that the anxiety he is feeling tonight is nothing compared to the one he felt this very morning on his way to his Quidditch training. The way his fingers shake now every time he thinks about certain tactics. The way thinking about the fact he has an exam in less than a week makes him want to throw up. It’s the fact that he has absolutely no idea how he is supposed to not tell everyone about his feelings for Regulus, if they straight up asked him about them. And having Regulus find out about that... after everything they’ve done already, after all those favours Regulus keeps doing for him, after Regulus has let himself be convinced to pretend to date him, after James has kissed him... It makes everything in James want to run away. He doesn’t want to seem creepy or manipulative, even though he’s pretty sure he’s being both with how he’s acting.

Every single thing he does feels wrong. Telling Sirius about his panic attacks is wrong. Not telling Sirius is wrong. Pretending to date Regulus is wrong. Not doing that and making everyone worry about his strange absences is also wrong. Having kissed Regulus was wrong. Not kissing Regulus is...

Well. In summary, James is not having a good time whenever he is left to his own thoughts. It’s exhausting and he doesn’t know how to stop, besides busying himself with not thinking.

“You look a bit stressed,” Lily notes when he settles next to her at the end of whatever card game she just won.

“I should probably be studying instead of partying here, not gonna lie,” James chuckles. “I’ve looked at the past exams and man, Transport Phenomena looks far too difficult and I have no idea why I picked it.”

“You just have to pass, right?”

“I mean, in theory,” James says. But also he’s always been good at everything he does so if he does badly with this he will not deal with it well.

“You’ll be fine,” Lily says, reaching over to ruffle his hair. James leans into the touch, content.

“So, I think it’s time for Pandora’s special juice!” Barty’s voice booms through the room.

“Ew, don’t say it like that, that sounds revolting,” Mary complains. James agrees. Also doesn’t want to play. For a little while had even hoped they wouldn’t.

“Sorry, I can’t just yet,” he calls back to Barty without turning his head. “Lils is playing with my hair, I’m not movable.”

“I can stop,” Lily suggests.

“Do not,” James requests immediately. Lily only laughs but continues carding her fingers through his hair.

“Okay well, we don’t need Potter to set up the game, so let him have his five minutes of borrowed bliss,” Evan suggests.

James grumbles in displeasure but the fingers in his hair are making it difficult to think of proper words to disagree with.

“Your boyfriend is judging,” Lily whispers close to his ear after another minute.

“Which one?”

Lily chuckles. “Regulus.”

That does get James’ attention. He opens his eyes, still refusing to move too much, but immediately catches sight of Regulus anyway.

James wouldn’t call it judging. Really, Regulus is barely even looking at him, besides the occasional little glance accompanied by a slight frown. The next time he does look over James gives him a reassuring smile. Hopes it conveys all the certainty he doesn’t feel that the next hour will be fine.

Regulus doesn’t smile back. In fact, his frown only deepens and he gives a little roll of his eyes while looking away. James doesn’t really appreciate that. He could do with some encouragement right now. Some confidence that they’re going to be fine.

Then again it isn’t really Regulus’ responsibility. And he (thankfully) has no idea just how much James is actually stressing about this, so he wouldn’t know anyway.

It does ruin the enjoyment of having his hair played with, though. Difficult to relax into it when he’s on edge, so he sits up with a sigh.

“I’m going to help them find the proper glasses, I don’t want Barty to take my kitchen apart,” he informs Lily who only gives him a knowing smirk. “Ah, shut up,” he waves her away, escaping before she can tell him out loud just how well she can read him.

 

“Alright Mary, truth or dare?”

Mary narrows her eyes at Marlene distrustful. James gets it, he’d do the same if he got Marlene to ask him something. “Dare,” Mary finally settles on, drawing the word out, clearly questioning if she made the right decision.

When Marlene grins she has eerie similarities with Barty. “I dare you to call the last person you texted and ask them out on a date.”

Mary’s face turns several shades darker. “I thought we agreed on not doing targeted questions.”

“You literally asked me what I did last Friday morning because you wanted everyone to know just how much I embarrassed myself in front of my class,” Remus points out.

“I thought you’d be on my side here, Remus,” Mary pleads.

Remus just shakes his head. “I’m also very curious what information Marlene has that I don’t know about. Who is the last person you texted?”

Mary chews on her lip, hesitant to reply but she already took a sip of her Veritaserum cocktail, which eventually makes the answer tumble form her tongue. “Someone from my pedagogics class,” she admits and turns even redder.

Lily giggles. “Go on, you had a dare.”

“What if he doesn’t pick up?” Mary asks hopeful.

“In that case I would say you get away lucky,” James supplies. He’s trying to stay on everyone’s good side. If he doesn’t make them admit to things they don’t want to, maybe they will do him the same courtesy.

Mary nods shortly and pulls out her phone. “I want you to know, Marls, that I am not happy about this.”

Marlene laughs. “I love how you so very obviously tried to say you hate me for this but you clearly don’t. I love getting to hear the truth.”

With a last glare at her, Mary taps something on her phone before holding it up to her ear nervously. It takes several seconds and James nearly expects the call not to go through when the tinny sound of non-distinguishable words comes through the speaker.

“Hi,” Mary greets. James is surprised by how confident she sounds despite her slightly shaking hand. “I was wondering if you’re free some time next week and would want to get dinner with me.”

A moment of silence, then comes another string of tinny noises and Mary smiles. “Really? I would love that ... Yeah, that works for me ... Five?”

Marlene grins triumphantly and gives Lily a fist bump. Another minute before Mary says her goodbyes and hangs up.

“Now, still unhappy about this?” Marlene asks smugly.

“Oh shut it,” Mary says but she is beaming. “I’m not.”

“You’re very welcome,” says Marlene with a small bow, tipping an imaginary top hat.

And James nerves immediately spike again.

It’s annoying. The constant switch between being fine and grinning with his friends about whoever is being teased and the anxiety when it is time to determine the next victim of their game.

Peter hands the makeshift list that they made with all their names over to Mary, who taps it with her wand. They all lean forward, trying to see which names it’ll light up next. “Ohh, this looks fun! Pandora, your turn to give something to the entire group!”

Pandora claps her hands together delightedly. “I’ve been hoping for this all night, I’ve been wondering for forever!”

“Oh no,” Evan says. “Panda hoping for things is never good.”

“Oh, don’t worry, it’s nothing bad,” Pandora assures him. “Everyone, take a shot of Veritaserum!”

James’ stomach gives an uncomfortable falling feeling. He’s been lucky enough to only have been the subject of questions once so far and he got away with a fairly harmless dare from Remus. The last time he took Veritaserum he was sixteen and had nothing to hide. This time is very different.

Everyone around lifts up their tiny shot glasses, the ones who’ve already had to drink refill theirs. Pandora counts them down and then they all hit the glasses back in unison. As he swallows his sip James looks over at Regulus, who is already looking back at him, a neutral expression on his face.

It’ll be fine, James tells himself. They’ve prepared for this. And this is a group question anyway, it’s not as if anything could happen.

“Alright,” Pandora grins. “We are going around the group, Barty, since you don’t do romance, you start and tell me the first person you ever seriously hit on. Everyone else tell me their first ever crush.”

Okay, this was fine. James could easily do that. He gives a small, relieved smile to Regulus.

Who doesn’t smile back.

Doesn’t even look at James anymore. Instead he is glaring at Pandora.

Well. That was going to be interesting...

“There was a girl in Ravenclaw two years older than me,” Barty starts easily. “She was super hot. Also a lesbian, as I had to find out rather unfortunately.”

“Greatly sorry for your loss,” Dorcas says mockingly.

Barty gives an unbothered shrug. “I got over it in like ten minutes, I didn’t mind. Evan.”

“Tonie Wilkes,” Evan says easily.

James has no memory of Wilkes. Just remembers that she was always hanging around with Snape back in school and therefore he didn’t like her out of principle. Then again, Evan also hung around that group for a while, probably because of Wilkes, and he turned out to be alright.

Pandora nods in understanding, then looks at Regulus expectantly, skilfully ignoring his glare.

Regulus presses his lips together.

“Come on, everyone has to tell theirs,” Pandora prompts.

“I dislike you,” Regulus says and not even the fact that those words made it through the layer of Veritaserum makes the smile on Pandora’s lips disappear. Regulus squeezes his eyes shut, then says, “James.”

“Wait,” James says. “Me?”

It’s so clearly obvious that Regulus wants to give him a sarcastic reply back but the potion stops him. “Yes, you.”

“When,” James asks and he doesn’t mean to sound so desperate about it but he’s already bad at hiding his emotions when he isn’t influenced by truth serum.

Regulus' glare now goes towards him. “Second year,” he says clipped and before James has time to compute that reply or ask about it further, he turns towards Dorcas and snaps, “Your turn.”

James fully misses Dorcas’ reply. And Marlene’s after that. He is too busy coming to terms with the fact that Regulus had a crush on him once. Life truly has a flare for dramatic ironies.

“James, your turn,” Marlene nudges him.

“Uhm, Lily,” he says startled. “Love at first sight,” he adds with a grin.

Lily blushes adorably. “Can’t say the same,” she says and gives an apologetic smile back, despite James already knowing this and also the answer to the question she gives a moment later.

“Snape, really?” Sirius repeats mildly disgusted.

“I grew up with him,” Lily says easily. “He was the first to immediately accept and even like me for who I am and that had a big impact on my feelings.”

“I suppose that’s fair,” Sirius says, even though he still doesn’t look happy about it. “Mine was Marlene,” he says. “I was young and misguided.”

Marlene blows him a kiss, which Sirius returns by showing her both his middle fingers.

“For me it was James. He walked around half naked one too many times in our dorm,” Remus says, grinning at his own boyfriend who looks incredibly offended despite already knowing this fact.

“I’m just that charming,” James says wiggling his eyebrows.

Sirius reaches over Lily and gives him a little friendly shove, making him tip to the side into Marlene. She wraps her arm around him, holding him in a headlock, ruffling his hair before she does help him sit up straight again.

“Peter, you’re last,” Pandora reclaims her moderating.

“I had a massive crush on Alice,” Peter admits lightly. “And then she started dating Frank and I couldn’t even be mad about that because at that point I also had a bit of a crush on him, and somehow seeing them date was the best outcome.”

Several people in the circle hum in agreement. Frank and Alice were the couple in school, nearly all of them used to have a crush on at least one of the two at some point.

“What about you,” Peter asks Pandora when everything’s quieted down a little.

“I’m not sure,” Pandora says, “I never actually found out her name, but I had a dream about her where she kissed me and then for the next month every time we crossed paths in the hallway I got rather flustered. Now, let’s see whose turn it is next,” she says without taking a break, calling the piece of paper to her with a softly spoken Accio and tapping it with her wand. “Oh fun! Sirius, you get to ask James!”

That surge of panic rises up James’ throat again as he looks pleadingly at his best friend. Don’t ask about Regulus. Anything but that, please.

Sirius just grins at him widely. “Alrighty Prongs, you’ve had a dare so you have to go with truth next, take another shot!”

“The effects of the last one are still very much working,” James says truthfully.

“Nah, come on Potter, do another one. Mine is already going down, so yours might’ve already worn off and you could be lying already,” Evan encourages.

James looks desperately around the room but no one comes to his aid, Dorcas simply pushing the bottle of Veritaserum and Firewhiskey closer to him. Seeing no way out James refills his glass and drinks it quickly, grimacing at the alcohol burning down his throat and the potion making his chest loosen up around all his secrets.

Don’t ask about Regulus, he thinks again, hoping that Sirius is still able to read his every thought.

“Hmm,” Sirius contemplates, watching James as he tilts his head from left to right. “When you gave me back my leather jacket with that huge gash in the back and said it got ripped by a Thestral that attacked you, what actually happened?”

“Oh.” James sacks a little with relief. “Uhm. I tried making myself a crop top from one of my shirts and misjudged the angle of my spell. I felt too embarrassed to tell you, I’m sorry.”

“I knew it,” Sirius exclaims, pointing theatrically at James. “Can’t even admit to your mistakes!”

“I felt so bad about it, I didn’t want you to think I don’t take care of your things!” James laments.

“Come on, seriously?” Marlene interrupts before Sirius can reply even more dramatically. “You get to ask James a question he has to answer truthfully and you waste it on that?”

“Yeah, what the fuck, mate,” Evan joins in. “I thought we agreed to make this an intervention.”

“And I made it one,” Sirius says, shrugging uncaring. “I’ve wondered for years, I wanted to know how my first love actually came to its demise.”

“I’m sorry,” James mouths silently towards Sirius. Thank you, he says with his eyes.

Sirius only gives the tiniest shrug. A silent It’s okay, answering both sentences.

Evan huffs annoyed. “Tap that damned paper again. I’m not giving up on hearing Regulus finally admit that I’ve been right the whole time.”

“Well, good thing we still have quite a bit of Veritaserum left,” Sirius chuckles. “Plenty of time for more revelations tonight.” And he taps the list again, watching as another pair of names lights up.

 

It takes a while before it’s their turn again. That’s the good thing of having so many friends; there are a lot of people whose names can be called instead of yours. Regulus gets a dare once, but it’s Dorcas who has to select it and she makes him do nothing more than drink a big glass of water. Regulus seems as unhappy about it as Evan and Marlene, scowling and complaining that he’s perfectly hydrated and this is ridiculous. “Coffee is not how you should stay hydrated,” is all Dorcas has to say to this, repeating her dare once more, until Regulus obliges.

A while later he gets a truth from Peter, who thinks a moment, then grins widely. “Fuck, marry kill,” he says and James would be scared of what this might mean for him and Regulus, if he didn’t know Peter and his love for really weird fuck, marry, kill questions. “TrES-2b, GJ 504b, WASP-12b.”

“What the actual fuck,” Marlene says.

“Are these like, your passwords or something?” asks James.

“I remember the pink puffy planet, but please refresh my memory on the other two,” Regulus requests, as if he perfectly understands what Peter is talking about.

Peter nods, then elaborates, “TrES-2b is the super dark planet that reflects less than one percent of light.”

“Oh, the reconfirmed Kepler one,” Regulus nods in understanding. “The second one is the pink puffy planet, right?”

James is trying really hard not to find him, his knowledge, and the fact he’s treating a fuck, marry kill question with so much seriousness so incredibly attractive right now. So far he is very much failing.

Peter nods again. “Yup, that gas planet that burns magenta. And WASP-12b is being sucked into its star due to too close proximity which currently makes it egg shaped.”

Regulus mulls this over for a moment. “I might have to retract my answer in the future when I look more into it,” he says eventually, “But fuck the egg, marry the Kepler planet and kill the pink puffy one.”

“You’re no fun,” Pandora says, “why would you kill the pink planet?”

Peter leans back on his hands looking at Regulus expectantly, “I’m really curious for your reasoning as well, please elaborate.”

“I think a really dark planet would complement me well–”

“Would complement me better,” Sirius interjects. “You know, brightest star, darkest planet... I think that goes well together.”

Regulus glares at him. “No one asked you,” he huffs. “Find yourself a different planet.”

James struggles a lot hiding his grin at that. It’s just really quite adorable the way Regulus has gotten territorial over a planet in the span of a few seconds just because his brother made a comment.

“Obviously the egg planet is the only one that makes sense to fuck,” Regulus says. “I mean, an egg-shaped planet about to enter a star just asks to be made into a sex joke. Which means the pink puffy planet has to die.”

Peter nods agreeably. “I can live with that answer. Thank you very much for that in-depth analysis of my scientifically very important question.”

“You’re welcome,” Regulus replies, looking quite pleased with himself. James wants to kiss him so badly.

 

The next time James gets selected by the list Regulus has to ask a question, which makes everything so much easier. James immediately chooses truth, because he doesn’t have to fear anything from this round of questions.

At least he doesn’t think so, until Regulus takes a good minute to come up with a question at all.

“It’s because he already knows everything about Potter, obviously,” Evan stage whispers to Barty. “There’s no need to get him to tell the truth anymore.”

Regulus wordlessly gives him a V-sign, then finally asks, “Where did you get the scar on your face?”

James gives a guilty look over to Lily. He doesn’t like talking about it, especially not when she is around. Lily shrugs, a slight grimace on her face, a quiet indicator for him to just get it over with.

“Uhm. Fifth year,” James supplies. “I got in uh– something like a fight with Snape. He used one of his creepy curses against me. I went to Madame Pomfrey to get it healed, but it’s dark magic, so she couldn’t stop it from scarring.”

“Something like a fight?” Regulus repeats with a raised eyebrow.

“Let’s not unpack that, alright?” James says.

“Hey, mate, this is truth or dare, you gotta tell the truth,” Barty jumps in. “You can’t just decide when not to tell something.”

“It’s a shit story,” James says. “I don’t want to–”

“It’s about me,” Lily supplies, “and I’d rather not we bring this up again here. I would like to continue having a nice night.”

Regulus looks from James to Lily, giving her a long look, understanding passing in his eyes, then nods. “Can I have the list?”

While he taps it, James leans over to Lily. “You okay?” he asks quietly.

She nods. “All good. Thank you.”

James leaves it at that. The less they dwell on it the better.

“What’s the last thing you bought and didn’t want to tell anyone about?” Dorcas opens the next round of questions for Remus, catching James’ attention again.

There is a brief flicker of panic flashing across Remus’ face as he glances at Sirius, then at James. For a moment James wonders if maybe Remus had been a lot more serious about his wishes to marry his boyfriend. But then Remus opens his mouth and replies, “I bought some leg warmers designed specifically for old people.”

“Boooh,” Peter replies, “that’s so boring.”

Remus looks relieved about his answer. James suspects he didn’t expect to give that answer at all. “Yeah, that’s why I didn’t want to tell anyone about it,” Remus hums.

It continues like that. Some questions yield rather uninteresting results, some give interesting insights into his friend’s sex lives. The dares mostly just show people’s talents off or serve to embarrass them, or sometimes manage both at the same time.

The next time it’s James’ turn Barty grins at him widely. “So, a dare it is, Potter.”

James does not like that grin in the slightest.

“I want you to kiss the prettiest person in the room.”

James blinks at him. “By what standards?” he asks.

“Yours, obviously.”

“The question still stands,” James says. “How do I decide who the prettiest person is?”

Barty looks at him puzzled. “Maybe you should take another shot of Veritaserum.”

James shakes his head. “I will, if you want me to, but that’s not going to change my question here. Do you actually have a ranking system of prettiness or something?” He is genuinely puzzled by this concept. Sure, he can tell which of his friends are conventionally attractive, but that doesn’t make the other ones any less gorgeous in his eyes. How is he supposed to pick out one single person to call pretty when there is a lack of basis to compare them on?

Barty huffs in frustration. “Fine. Kiss the last person you called beautiful, then.”

James rolls his eyes. It’s so clear where Barty wants this to go. Too bad it’s not going to work. “Remus, may I?”

Remus grins knowingly. “Go ahead!”

“Sirius my love,” James says sweetly, “come here, darling, give me a kiss.”

“Anything for you, sweetheart,” Sirius says theatrically and leans over Lily, who scoots back a bit out of their way. James carefully cups his face in his hand and gives Sirius a slow kiss on the lips. It’s nothing special. Nothing they’ve not done before. It’s over soon enough and Sirius pulls back, pretending to swoon when James winks at him and Peter and Remus cheer them on. It feels so much like back at school that James gets a little emotional. He’s missed this so much, the silly hangouts with his friends, the times when the only thing they had to worry about was finishing an essay for McGonagall on time.

With a smile on his face he accepts the list from Barty and taps it again. “Evan,” he reads off it, smile faltering. “For everyone.”

“Fucking finally,” Evan huffs.

“Just a reminder,” says Sirius, “you can’t ask the group something that’s obviously only meant for one person. That defeats the purpose.”

James could genuinely kiss him again.

“Fine,” Evan sounds so incredibly annoyed about that rule. “Everyone, take your shot.”

When he drinks, James knows it’s going to be a disaster. He knows, and when he looks at Regulus he can tell that Regulus knows too.

They’ve prepared for everything James could think of, going through questions, taking preventative measures to make sure their secret wouldn’t be revealed. The thing is just, with all the talk of just like back at school James forgot to consider that they aren’t at school anymore. That at their age the questions are no longer about casual things like kissing. So when Evan asks, “When and where was the last time you had sex?” James’ ears start ringing.

 

—

 

Regulus’ face goes completely blank.

Well, that is one way to fuck them over well and truly. He’s not looking at James. Doesn’t need to see the look of disappointment in James’ eyes to know he realises what this means as well. It’s already enough to hear him reply, “Couple years ago, at the girl’s place,” when it’s his turn, his voice mechanical, all previous joy banished.

Next to him Barty sighs disappointedly and Evan makes a disbelieving noise. As if James could lie through Veritaserum.

When Regulus does finally look at James, James is looking at Sirius. He looks vaguely sick and definitely worried. It doesn’t suit him.

Regulus doesn’t listen to anyone’s answers. He’s too busy watching James starting to spiral to pay it any attention, until Dorcas gently nudges him, prompting him to give his own reply.

Regulus doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to make whatever thought process James is currently going through worse. He tightens his jaw, swallows down the words, tries to figure out how to say this so it doesn’t reveal the truth. Comes up with nothing.

Dorcas nudges him again. “Your turn, Reg.”

“At his place,” Regulus says, thinking of Bozo. He didn’t have a great time. Was too agitated by his fight with Sirius right before to enjoy it. Ranted too much about James afterwards. He didn’t even like the guy to begin with, had never intended to use the number he gave him, he just needed some kind of distraction and that had been the easiest way to get it. He regrets it now, if for no other reason than the fact that it’s going to ruin too many things. He’s biting his tongue, trying to fight the effects of the potion, but it doesn’t work. His next words sound bitter and guilty. “Two weeks ago.”

The room falls too silent.

James flinches visibly. The sight makes bile rise in Regulus’ throat.

“Oh, that’s fucked up,” Mary whispers.

Sirius had been watching him, following each admission with interest. Now his eyes flick towards James, utter betrayal and concern in his gaze and Regulus can see the exact moment it pushes James too far. He is blinking too fast, dragging his fingernails across his skin over and over again and Regulus feels helpless.

Sirius sees it too. Of course he does. And doesn’t realise this is James spiralling over something that has nothing to do with Regulus, and everything to with himself and Sirius instead. Sirius still doesn’t realise, and when he turns back to Regulus abruptly his voice is cutting. “Oh fuck you, Regulus,” he spits. “What the actual fuck is wrong with you?”

Regulus says nothing. Doesn’t know what to say to defend himself, or to help James. Not with the Veritaserum still controlling his tongue.

“Okay, hey now,” Barty jumps to his defence. “We don’t know for certain that they’re dating, right? This might not actually be what it sounds like.” But not even he sounds convinced of his words.

“James literally looks like he is about to cry,” Peter points out. “I think we can assume this is exactly what it sounds like.”

“They’re dating,” Sirius huffs angrily, “They’re going out. James told me. So yeah, this is exactly what it sounds like.”

James blinks quickly, trying to smooth the look off his face and failing miserably. He opens his mouth to say something. Regulus is glad when he closes it again, doubting it would have done any good with the effects of the potion. He gives a guilty look to Sirius, then a worried one to Peter. Until finally looking at Regulus with utter despair. And then he scrambles off the floor in a haste with a mumbled, “I’ll be back in a bit,” pushes away Sirius’ hand who reaches out to him, and leaves the room.

Regulus desperately wants to follow him. He knows what is happening, knows if he went after James right now he’d find him curled up sobbing and shaking somewhere. But then Sirius shouts at him, “Not breaking his heart won’t be an issue, right Reggie?” He laughs coldly and he is so mad and Regulus can’t even fault him for that. “Because you’ve already done that, is that it? Don’t ask stupid questions and it’ll be fine. Don’t ask stupid questions so he doesn’t find out that you’re cheating?”

“I’m not cheating,” Regulus says finally, his voice quiet but firm. He just needs to end this conversation quickly and then he can look after James.

“Were you trying to prove some stupid point after our fight two weeks ago? About how much you just don’t care about James’ feelings? ‘Cause congratulations, you’ve proven that pretty well.”

“I’m not cheating on him,” Regulus repeats more clearly. He’s got this. He can get around the stupid fucking Veritaserum still making it impossible to lie.

“What, so the potion didn’t work on you and it was just some cruel joke when you said you fucked someone else?” Sirius snarls.

“We weren’t dating back then,” Regulus says calmly and gets up from the circle of his friends uncomfortably reduced to silence. He looks stoically at his brother. James might hate him for this, but he would probably hate him more if Sirius was the one going after him and finding James mid panic attack. Which, if he doesn’t stop this right now, will be the case. “I didn’t cheat,” he says one last time. Pretends as if this doesn’t make his chest feel too tight. “Because that was before James asked me to be his boyfriend.”

Notes:

an unusual posting day for me because a) i was sick so writing sucked and was slow, and b) today marks the 2 year anniversary of when i started writing again and then continued to do so Every Single Day until today. i am really very proud of myself. to celebrate i did want to reward myself with making another fanart for my own writing (is it a reward when you have to do it yourself? idk) but alas, i am bad at time management so the art will have to come later :((

anyway!! chapter!! first of all a really very big shout out to fen for providing me with space facts ily <33
furthermore shout out to world ain't ready (this shout out will happen again) for not only being the origin for my love for fake dating, but also for my love for unhingend fmk questions
and now once more happy reminder that my lily is a trans woman so snape's worst memory is an extra touchy subject to her because there are Layers and Implications to him calling her a slur, and also regulus gets it :3

so.... how are we feeling? was the truth or dare fun enough to distract from the overall disaster these two idiots are?

you can find me on tumblr where sometimes i also post about this fic. if you check my "fic: ritardando" tag you can find the previously mentioned characters povs, random snippets, and just whatever else :)

Chapter 10: If My Heart Beats Any Faster I Will Lose It

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Don't Call Me At All by Flatsound

James is crying silently. He is making an active effort to stay quiet, Regulus has to assume, because standing in the hallway Regulus cannot figure out if he has escaped to the bathroom or his own room.

He checks the bathroom first, but finds it unlocked and unoccupied.

The door to James’ room is an intimidating barrier. Regulus has not been in James’ room before. He’s hovered by the door, while James messed with his head by shirtlessly flirting with him. He’s never entered James’ room before. And as someone who values his own personal space immensely, the idea of going in there – especially while James is obviously hiding away – feels wrong.

Still he knocks. If because he feels some kind of obligation to James or his brother he isn’t even sure himself anymore. There is no reply, but Regulus didn’t really expect one, so he slowly pushes the door open, peaking inside.

James is sitting on the floor on the far side of his room between the foot of his bed and his wardrobe. His knees are drawn up to his chest, arms wrapped around them, hands buried in his hair. When the door opens he looks up, eyes wide and terrified.

“James?” Regulus asks quietly.

James had been holding his breath since the second Regulus looked in, but now he lets it all out in one shaky gasp, along with an equally shaky, “You shouldn’t be here.”

Regulus stops in his advances into the room. Looks at James a little uncertain. This is the first time since Sirius’ party he hasn’t been desperately beckoned closer. “Do you want me to leave?”

The following silence is long enough that Regulus is already about to close the door again when James shakes his head, another stream of tears falling down his cheeks.

“Oh,” Regulus breathes out, and then he quickly locks the door behind himself and sinks down on the floor next to James.

Placing his hand between James’ shoulder blades is an automatic action at this point. James is warm, too warm, his shirt sticking clammy to his back. Regulus doesn’t mind. Just sits there, palm against his spine, fingers drawing small patterns across his skin.

Somehow it has the opposite effect of what Regulus had expected. A gut-wrenching sob escapes James at the touch and then he is shaking all over. Alarmed Regulus takes his hand away again. Which doesn’t help either. Instead, James lets himself fall into Regulus’ side, obviously searching touch again. And Regulus can’t do anything but wrap his arm around James’ shoulder and just hold him.

“Hey,” he says softly, “it’s okay. It’s okay.”

“No,” James brings out between sobs, “No, it’s not. It’s not, it’s–”

“Just breathe first,” Regulus reminds him. “I talked to them, and it’s okay, but you need to breathe first, alright?”

 

—

 

It takes significantly longer for James to calm down this time. By the end of it he feels wrung out and ready to collapse. Also incredibly awkward by the fact that Regulus is literally holding him in his arms. It would be nice, if it didn’t make James feel so vulnerable and broken right now. He carefully untangles himself and sits up again. Still close enough to Regulus that their elbows touch, though, because he needs this comfort, still.

“What did you tell them?” he asks, his voice coming out slightly hollow, his throat hurting from crying so much.

Regulus looks incredibly awkward. He’s staring at the floor, fiddling with the rings on his fingers. “I didn’t say it explicitly, because I was still under the influence of Veritaserum,” he starts quietly. “But I phrased it so they would believe we are dating now.”

“Sirius already thought that,” James points out. “That’s why he shouted at you.” A pause. “I’m sorry.”

Regulus shakes his head. “That’s not what I mean.” He doesn’t even acknowledge James’ apology. James’ isn’t sure if that should concern him or not. “I– well ... uhm.” He’s stuttering. And blushing. “I made it sound like– like you asked me to be your boyfriend.”

“Oh,” James says startled. Boyfriend. His mind is not quite catching up with the word. It doesn’t sound real from Regulus’ mouth, too close to a dream James has had for too long. “What?”

“So, you know,” Regulus’ face is getting redder by the second, “so it would make sense that we’re spending more time with each other. But it happened after the last time I had sex. Because we weren’t exclusive then.” He blinks quickly, looking up at the ceiling, then lets out a heavy breath. “I’m sorry,” he says. “It was the only thing I could think of.”

James draws his eyebrows together in confusion. This is going too quickly for him, too many things happening in close succession. “Why would you be sorry?”

“You never wanted to have to pretend to love me,” Regulus says quietly. The words sound weirdly rehearsed. Like Regulus repeated them over and over to prepare himself for this exact moment. “And now I made that into a thing.”

“Regulus,” James says gently, and it is odd to him how quickly their roles for comforting switched. “You are the one doing me endless favours here. This entire thing– all of this has nothing to do with you. And you’re still helping me. And I have no idea why. But I appreciate you so much for it, so you have nothing to be sorry for.”

Regulus stays quiet.

James lets the silence hang on for a couple seconds before he feels the need to fill it with something again. “So what do they think why I walked out?”

Regulus shrugs. “Best case scenario they think you got a bit possessively jealous and didn’t want to listen to me talk about fucking other people and now we’re off having a heated make out session to cure you of your jealousy.”

“Oh,” James says again. Worst case scenario, he fills in for himself, they know exactly what’s going on and have caught on to the fact that he is having a breakdown in his own room. Considering Peter figured he was already close to tears the worst case scenario currently looks a lot closer to reality.

“So how do we convince them of that?”

“What?” Regulus looks up startled.

James draws his eyebrows together. “How do we make sure they think I was just being jealous and the past half an hour we’ve just been fooling around in my room?”

Regulus blushes adorably at that, glancing quickly from James to his unmade bed and back.

“We can just tell them.”

James shakes his head, thinking of the look in Sirius’ eyes just before he had fled the room. How upset he had been on his behalf. His heart skips a beat again at the memory. “I can’t risk Sirius seeing through it,” James insists. “He wouldn’t believe it if we just said it. Not with the way I left, he knows me too well for that.” A blessing and a curse. Right now more the latter.

“So what, want to give me a lovebite or something?” Regulus huffs sarcastically.

James opens his mouth. Closes it again. Presses his lips together.

Regulus gapes at him. “You can’t be fucking serious.”

James can feel the blood rushing into his cheeks. “I mean we don’t have to... I’m not saying literally... I’m sure there’s spells or something we could– I mean it would sell it pretty well...”

“Fine,” Regulus sharply interrupts his stuttering.

“What?” James asks startled. He hadn’t expected Regulus to just agree to it. He’s not even properly agreed to himself yet.

Regulus is undoing the top two buttons of his shirt, pushing his collar aside to expose his neck. “Get on with it, Potter.”

James is not getting on with it. Frankly, he is not doing anything besides staring at the smooth skin of Regulus’ neck. The hollow where it meets his shoulders. His collarbones. He is only half aware of what his face is doing, his mouth having gone slightly slack.

Regulus makes some sort of impatient noise which finally startles James out of it. “Uh. I don’t know any spells to fake lovebites.”

Regulus lets go of his collar, sitting back against the wall in frustration. “That’s because spells are bullshit,” he declares. “Do you really think if there were any that worked convincingly enough my brother wouldn’t have figured that out in school already for his reputation or whatever?”

James already mourns the sight of Regulus’ exposed neck. He does appreciate the clearer head its absence brings, though. Regulus has a point with that. Sirius’ reputation preceded him in school, but he had to work hard to get that reputation. He would have jumped at the possibility of making it all easier with a charm or spell. “So what do you want me to do?” James asks.

Regulus looks at him like he is stupid, and maybe he has a point with that, too. “You do know how to give someone a lovebite, right?”

“I mean, yeah, but just the normal way.”

“Then do it the normal way.”

“What?” James stares at him wide eyed. “No. I can’t do that?”

“Can’t?”

“That’s like, so not fair on you? I can’t just give you an actual lovebite, Regulus, that’s–”

Regulus lets out an irritated huff. “Stop doing that stupid righteous act of yours. It’s just a lovebite. It’s not like they are such a foreign concept to me, I don’t care.”

Well, but James cares. Also incredibly much about the fact that apparently Regulus has gotten enough lovebites to not care about their significance anymore.

Playing that jealous boyfriend act is going to be so incredibly easy if this is already enough to get him there.

James grits his teeth. Thinks of Sirius in the other room, shouting at Regulus. Looking at James with worry. Having one of the worst times of his life. He thinks of Regulus. Of the way Regulus hasn’t cared about any of the things so far. Not the fake dating, not the real kissing. Thinks of some other man pressing his lips against Regulus’ neck and leaving his mark there.

“Fine,” James agrees now as well, his ears buzzing.

Regulus only looks at him briefly before tucking the collar of his shirt to the side once more, tilting his head to give James easier access.

It becomes glaringly obvious just how dumb of an idea this is when James finds himself facing the problem of finding a position to actually reach Regulus’ neck.

It’s not comfortable. Any of it. Just leaning over from where he is sitting against the wall next to Regulus gives him a bad angle so he ends up having to shift onto his knees, half risen on his heels, one hand against the wall, the other on the floor right next to Regulus. He hovers there for a second. Hesitates.

“What?” Regulus snaps, too agitated considering he is the one who insisted on this.

“Are we still pretending we are hiding this?” James asks. He just has to be methodical about this and he can get through it. “Should I place it so it looks like we tried to hide it under the collar?”

“We’ve been here for close to half an hour,” Regulus says, “I don’t think if this was real there would have been much thinking about it. Do what you want.”

Do what you want. James makes an odd noise in the back of his throat, quickly swallowing it down to ask instead, “If you don’t like anything, you’ll tell me?”

Regulus gives a curt nod.

And then James leans forward to press his lips against Regulus’ pulse point.

Regulus makes a startled noise at the sudden contact and James has half a mind to pull back again, but he knows if he stops now he will not get himself to start again with a clear head. For how cold Regulus was acting before his skin is burning hot against James’ lips.

Only the fact that James has to uncomfortably strain his neck assures that he doesn’t immediately lose all capability to think. His legs are already starting to cramp from having to balance himself so far away from Regulus and he knows he won’t be able to stay like this until there is actually a bruise against light skin. It’s too uncomfortable, too tense, and so he finally shuffles closer and shifts his hands to rest them against Regulus’ shoulder and waist instead.

Beneath his touch Regulus’ shudders and James pulls back ever so slightly to mumble into his neck, “Sorry, I’ll hurry.”

Regulus makes another one of those noises that James’ brain is doing its best to misinterpret. Before he manages to get lost in his wishful thinking he concentrates on the matter at hand. Bruises to Regulus’ neck. The more efficient he is here the less long Regulus will have to endure it. He thinks about it all logically, rather removed. It helps him keep his head clear.

He can’t go about it too quick; hurting Regulus in the process by sucking too hard would only make an uncomfortable situation worse, so he eventually finds himself in a bit of a loop. Graze his teeth across the skin. Gently catch it between his teeth. Suck until there is a little twitch from Regulus underneath him, a movement James takes as a wordless indicator of him needing a break. Sooth over the spot with his tongue, pressing against it to counter the previous sensation. Repeat.

Underneath him Regulus is shifting from perfectly still to increasingly more restless. James wants to sooth him, somehow, reassure him that this won’t last forever. With his mouth otherwise occupied the only thing left for him to do is softly run his thumb back and forth where he is holding himself up against Regulus’ waist. Regulus’ breath hitches, a slight stutter in the rhythm, the quietest needy noise, and James is so close to recognising something about this sound, the way Regulus is melting into his touch and tensing underneath him, but then all thoughts in his brain halt when he feels a hand flying up to the back of his head. 

It is James’ turn to make an involuntary noise, small and breathy, muffled against Regulus’ neck. A shiver runs down his spine when Regulus moves his hand, properly tangling his fingers in James’ hair. James tries so hard to concentrate on his previous loop. Helplessly drags his lips across smooth skin. He doesn’t remember what the last thing was his mouth did. Finds it doesn’t matter much anyway right now, because then Regulus’ hand tightens in his hair, tugging, and James moans. It’s only thanks to the fingers still working through his hair that he doesn’t find space in his brain to be mortified about the noise.

In that moment he yields to Regulus completely. To the sensation of Regulus’ fingers twisting in his hair and his mouth on Regulus’ skin. To his own feelings for Regulus. The ones he’s been trying to hide for two years. He doesn’t have it in himself to hide them anymore, doesn’t care, doesn’t see why, and so he tightens his hold on Regulus, presses closer, Regulus now half in his lap.

He doesn’t think about it logically or methodically anymore. He doesn’t do much thinking at all, really. It’s all just Regulus’ hands and Regulus’ neck and Regulus’ needy little noises and hitched breaths and Regulus.

Only now does he register all of it. The quickened pulse when he presses his lips against the soft spot underneath Regulus’ jaw. The faint scent lingering on Regulus’ hair and skin evoking images of windy cliff sides by the ocean into his mind. The way Regulus is practically clinging onto him, pressing into him, the hand not tangled in his hair fisted in the back of his shirt. The heat seeping through the fabric when James runs his hands down his side along his thigh, the tremble rippling through Regulus wherever James touches.

And then Regulus says, voice raw, words stumbling, “Do you– do you think that’ll be enough?” and James’ little fantasy drops him back to earth.

James freezes. Pulls back, Regulus hand falling from his hair. He makes another one of those tiny noises which now no longer sounds pleased or needy, and James wonders why he had been thinking that at all. James sits back on his heels, hands in his lap to hide the effect this has left on him.

It only requires a short glance to determine that yeah, this is definitely enough.

Regulus’ neck is covered in bruises, trailing all the way from right beneath his jaw to his collarbones. Dark red already purpling, an angry contrast against the white skin. His shirt is rumbled and creased, untucked at the hem where James had held him. His face flushed, eyes wide, lips parted as he breathes too quickly.

James quickly looks away again, blood rising in his cheeks. “It’ll work,” he mumbles, resolutely looking at anything but Regulus.

Regulus doesn’t say anything, and for once James is glad for it. He finds great interest in the pattern of his unmade blanket on the bed. Starts counting the little snitches all over it, over and over again. It helps him recollect his thoughts.

Eventually Regulus clears his throat, making James jump. “Should we...” he tries.

“Yeah,” James agrees quickly, already getting up. He feels a little unsteady and he can’t tell if this has more to do with his previous panic attack or with what leaving Regulus’ neck covered in bruises did to him. “Should I... What do I do to look convincing as well?”

Regulus glances up at him from where he is still leaning against the wall, face going impossibly redder before he looks away. “You’re good, don’t worry.”

With furrowed eyebrows James walks around his bed to look in the mirror next to his wardrobe. And–

Okay.

It occurs to him now that the hand in his hair was a strategic move from Regulus. Messing up his curls impossibly more, a tangled mess James feels should be impossible to achieve even on his hair. His lips are red and swollen from kissing along Regulus’ neck. His cheeks flushed, his eyes wide and bright from the earlier crying. He looks thoroughly fucked.

Regulus finally gets up as well, steadying himself against the wall. “I’m sorry for breaking your boundary.”

“What?” James asks distracted, still staring at himself.

“Touching your hair,” Regulus clarifies. “Sorry.”

It takes a moment before James recalls having set this boundary in the first place. “It’s fine,” he says, “it served a purpose.”

Regulus looks from the mess atop James’ head to James’ face in the mirror and back again, then gives a small nod.

A gentle knock on the bedroom door makes them both jump. “James?” Sirius calls quietly through the closed door.

James gives a rather panicked look to Regulus, who looks equally caught out, instantly forgotten that this is what they want their friends to see. “Uh, give me a second,” he calls back, running his fingers through his hair, trying to smooth out the mess Regulus made. Obviously his hair is more inclined to follow Regulus’ ministrations than James’, so it immediately jumps back into its unruly position. Behind him Regulus is hastily doing up the buttons of his shirt, rightening his collar. Half the lovebites are still visible above it.

James’ stomach flips dizzyingly at the sight.

He opens the door to his room, only as little as absolutely necessary, trying to hide Regulus from Sirius’ view.

“You doing okay?” Sirius asks softly. The worry in his eyes slowly morphs into disbelief as he takes in James’ appearance. “So I take it Regulus is in there with you?” he adds on dryly.

“Uhm.” James looks at his best friend sheepishly.

There’s a hand on his waist and then Regulus is next to him. “Hi,” he says to his brother. “We just finished our conversation.”

“Conversation,” Sirius repeats flatly. “Had a lot to talk about?”

“Quite a bit,” Regulus confirms unbothered.

Sirius’ eyes fall down to his neck, finally spotting the assortment of bruises disappearing underneath Regulus’ shirt. “I see the conversation kept James’ mouth quite busy.”

“You know I’m never good with being quiet,” James says with a grin overplaying his awkwardness.

“That’s information I’d really rather not have in relation to my brother,” Sirius says. “We were starting to wonder if you’re okay.”

“Splendid,” says James.

“Yeah, I can tell,” comes Sirius' dry retort. “I’m not stopping Marls from teasing you about this, just so you know.”

“No idea what you’re talking about,” James replies, already dreading Marlene’s comments. “Shall we?” He opens the door wider and lets Regulus step out of his room first. Before James can follow Sirius grabs his arm and holds him back. Regulus glances over his shoulder, but when James gives a little reassuring nod he continues down the hall back towards the living room and their waiting friends.

“Are you actually alright?” Sirius asks, his voice lowered.

“I’m alright.”

“I know Regulus was under Veritaserum and all, so he didn’t lie, but I know he is good with bending truths. You promise he didn’t cheat on you?”

James nods in affirmation. “He didn’t cheat on me. I’m just... I guess I’m easily made jealous or something like that.”

“Are you upset about the whole sex thing?” Sirius asks carefully. “Considering he is really quite outgoing there and you’re more uncomfortable with it? Is that what it is, that you feel, I don’t know, pressured or like you’re not doing enough or one of those James things?”

James shakes his head. “It’s fine. I’ve had long enough to get used to my feelings on sexual relations, Regulus couldn’t pressure me into anything if he tried. Don’t worry about me, really.”

Sirius gives him another long testing look, then pulls him into a quick hug. “Okay, I’m glad,” he says softly before giving a friendly slap to his back and pulling back with a stern look. “But just so you know, if you hurt Reggie, I will forget that I’ve been your best friend for half my life.”

James nods in solemn understanding. “I’m not planning to hurt him,” he promises. “I do genuinely really like him a lot.” It feels weird saying that out loud. It’s been too long of him trying his best to hide those feelings away that the words now feel foreign on his tongue.

Sirius looks at him for a moment, eyes softening, then nods. “I’m glad,” he says again. And then, “Could have really waited with getting handsy with him until after we’ve all left. I really didn’t need to know you’re getting my brother off with me in the next room over.”

James chokes on his own spit at that. “No getting off happening, don’t worry,” he wheezes.

Sirius only raises his eyebrows in disbelief.

James obviously doesn’t tell him just how close to getting off he himself had been.

 

—

 

When Regulus walks back into the living room alone he is welcomed with a loud wolf whistle, followed by Evan shouting, “Pay up, Crouch!”

Barty rolls his eyes and pulls some crumpled up Muggle money from his jeans pocket, placing it in Evan’s outstretched hand.

Regulus pointedly ignores it all and, now that the truth or dare circle seems to have been disbanded, simply finds himself a new place to sit down next to Pandora and Peter.

“So, boyfriend, huh?” Peter asks curiously.

Regulus just gives a non-committal shrug. He needs to actually talk to James about all of this. Have a proper conversation that is for more than just coming to an agreement of giving Regulus an abundance of lovebites. They need to update their story and their boundaries. And need to figure out how to eventually end this without Sirius being mad at either of them.

“He looks like an attentive lover,” Pandora hums.

Regulus blinks at her. “What?”

Pandora points at his neck. “Have you actually seen yourself?”

Regulus shakes his head. He’s kind of avoided looking in the mirror. He knows there must be a lot of marks on his neck. James was really quite thorough with the way he worked his mouth over him. In that regard Pandora is right. Very attentive indeed. Regulus had been so close to absolutely fucking jumping his bones. If James had continued like that for any much longer Sirius probably would have knocked while Regulus was in the process of taking off James’ clothes. He’s never gotten this incredibly turned on from nothing but neck kisses – barely even kisses, rather a devouring. A shiver goes through him at the thought, the arousal not yet having passed completely.

He hates himself a little for having drawn what transpired in James’ bedroom to a halt. Would have loved to know where it could have gone. It had felt a little too real, a little too honest, and Regulus wonders where James would have stopped if Regulus hadn’t said anything. Where does it usually end for him? Making out with strangers against pub walls and then – he just leaves and goes about his night? Leaves his partners excited and unsatisfied? It’s certainly how Regulus is feeling right now, even if this time he is to blame for it all himself as well.

His in the moment decision earlier hasn’t quite settled into his consciousness yet. He is only now starting to understand what it means pretending to be James’ boyfriend, openly, for all their friends. They can’t do just the occasional lingering touch every now and then anymore and let the rest be filled in by their friends’ imagination. They’re going to have to actually sell this in front of them. He’s going to have to hold his hand. Find excuses why they’re not kissing in front of everyone, if James doesn’t want to. He’ll have to–

“I absolutely knew they were dating,” Marlene says loud enough to pull Regulus out of his thoughts. “I called it. James calls everyone babe but he never called Regulus any pet names, it was just too obvious, absolutely overdid it with the hiding the relationship.”

– yeah, that. Regulus grimaces. If James is going to start calling him pet names he’s going to have a problem. James using him for his needs for a cover up, making out with him, giving him a row of lovebites, fiercely and efficiently, he can deal with that. James being gentle and loving with him, treating him adoringly and attentively, calling him sweet somethings? The armour he’s built around his heart is not made for withstanding such soft things. It will melt and Regulus’ heart will melt along with it. The decade of practice he has gotten of being indifferent about being in love will mean nothing if James ever calls him love.

There is another round of wolf whistling and Regulus looks up in time to watch James and Sirius walk through the door. Sirius is rolling his eyes, before locking them with Regulus. An intentional look, a clear instruction to come over to him right now.

Regulus isn’t eight anymore and doesn’t feel like still listening to his brother’s silent gazes so he stays where he is, steely eyes unblinking, left eyebrow raised.

Sirius stays in the doorway. Holds his gaze. Waits.

Regulus will never stop being a little sibling. He can grow up all he wants, but Sirius will always be his older brother. In the end he doesn’t stand a chance. “If I don’t come back Sirius has murdered me,” he informs Pandora before lifting from his comfortable seat and making his way over to Sirius, completely ignoring James who’s giving him a small smile while crossing his path there.

The moment Regulus is in arm’s reach Sirius grabs his wrist and pulls him along into the kitchen. Regulus can’t do anything but follow after his older brother, trying his best to keep some dignity by not stumbling.

“Is this really necessary?” Regulus grumbles.

“Yes,” Sirius says simply.

“Am I getting some weird older brother talk that you’ve assumably also already given to James?”

“Yes,” Sirius repeats.

“Don’t you feel weird about giving the same talk to both people you consider to be your sibling?”

“Absolutely I do,” Sirius says in that same tone.

Regulus sighs. “Get it over with then.”

“If you hurt James I will forget that I’ve been your brother for most of my life. It will not be nice.”

Regulus can imagine. “Got it,” he says dryly. “I’m not going to hurt him.” Not as if that’s going to be possible with the nature of their relationship.

Sirius lets the word settle for a couple seconds before he says, “He really likes you.”

If he hadn’t grown up with the parents he had he would have probably laughed at that. Instead he says, “James likes everyone.”

“True,” Sirius admits, “but he’s disgustingly smitten with you.”

What a cruel world he lives in. When all this is over he really needs to have a proper word with his brother about putting more effort into reading James’ emotions again. They’re supposed to be best friends and this is what Sirius is getting from him? “I mean there had to have been a reason why he asked me to be his boyfriend, right?” Regulus says.

Sirius looks at him then, the same way his mother used to look at him when she deemed what he was telling her about his studies as not enough information. Automatically Regulus closes up, evens out his face and empties his mind of any thoughts he cares about. He doesn’t actually believe Sirius would ever use Legilimency on him. He’s simply been primed enough to be wary of this specific look in grey eyes.

Sirius blinks surprised, then frowns. “I’m not going to snoop around in your mind,” he says, somehow still reading Regulus’ thoughts perfectly.

“I know,” Regulus says stiffly, still tightly holding on to that defence. Some learned behaviours are difficult to get rid of.

“I’m just wondering,” Sirius says, trying his hardest to change his face into one that doesn’t resemble their mother’s as much. Regulus appreciates the effort, even if it’s a fruitless one. “Do you like him?”

“What?” Regulus asks, genuinely taken aback at that.

“You’ve not said it,” Sirius says sheepishly. “Even with the very easy openers I’ve given you. So I was just wondering.”

“Why else would I agree to be his boyfriend?” Regulus frowns.

“See, that’s what I mean! You keep talking around it. You’re implying it. But you’re not actually saying anything.”

The muscles in Regulus’ jaw tighten as he tries to grapple with the words. Of course Sirius would notice that. It’s not as easy to withhold the truth from someone who’s literally taught him all the tactics to do so. He’s avoided saying it. He’d gladly avoid saying it for the rest of his life. The truth is a difficult thing to take back once spoken out loud.

Of course he likes James. Isn’t that the tragedy of it all?

“So?” Sirius prompts again.

Regulus despises everything about this situation. It’s fine, he tells himself. James won’t know this is real. James will believe this is just another lie.

(It’s not fine at all.)

“I do,” he says haltingly. Pauses. “Like.” Pause. “James.”

Sirius’ face slowly brightens with a grin. He reaches out and ruffles Regulus’ hair, a gesture Regulus hates from everyone, including Sirius. Only with Sirius the hatred is overshadowed with such an intense feeling of home that he can never get himself to tell him off, so he stays still and endures it. “No reason to look so upset about it,” Sirius tells him. “Liking James is great, I would know, I’ve been doing it for over a decade now. If probably a little different than you.”

Regulus rolls his eyes. If only Sirius knew that Regulus has nearly as much experience in liking James as he does. He’s not sure if he agrees with him, though. Not sure if he would consider it great. He’d describe it as agitating, annoying and soul crushing, maybe.

“I’m glad you finally felt like you could tell us.”

Regulus gives him a very cold look at that. “Maybe you were too distracted by shouting at me, but the only reason I said anything at all was because you accused me of cheating and I was under Veritaserum. This relationship is none of your business, not yours or anyone else’s in that room except for James. I didn’t appreciate you all regularly implying things after your party, and I didn’t appreciate you pressuring me into saying something now.”

Sirius at least looks abashed at that. “I see,” he says. “I’m sorry I shouted at you. But you can’t blame me for thinking it was the logical conclusion, it really did sound like it. And James looked like shit and I wanted to protect him.”

Regulus lets out a humourless laugh. “Yeah, maybe you should think about that one a bit more.”

Sirius looks contrite. Not about the right thing, as becomes glaringly obvious when he says, “Just know that if it had been James who had said that, I would have reacted the same way. This wasn’t me playing favourites or something.”

“I know,” Regulus says. “It was just you jumping to too early conclusions about the wrong things.”

“I already said I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“Are you going to accept my apology?”

Regulus mulls this over for a minute. Sirius deserves to squirm about this for a while. It doesn’t matter how many lies his words are wrapped up in, what Sirius did still hurt and the pushiness of his friends still sits uncomfortable with him. “Stop pushing me around,” he says finally. “Stop putting your nose where it doesn’t belong and stop assuming things without having proper reason to.”

Sirius huffs. “I did have proper reason.”

“Sirius.”

“Fine.” He crosses his arms. “I’ll keep out of your relationship. Even if it’s between my brother and my best friend.”

“Thank you.” Regulus mirrors his brother by crossing his arms as well. “If you manage then yes, I’ll forgive you.”

“Great,” Sirius says, equal measures annoyed and relieved. “Should we finally rejoin the party then?”

“As if you’re not the one who literally dragged me out here?” Regulus exclaims indignantly.

“Pure semantics,” Sirius waves him away. “And you’re the one not moving now, so.”

Sometimes Regulus could really strangle his brother. He doesn’t though. Instead wordlessly turns around and goes back into James’ living room, where things have quieted down enough that this time round no one whistles at him when he finds a quiet spot to sit between his friends.

 

—

 

James is still anxious, despite the worst case scenario basically already having happened. It’s a completely different brand of anxiety now, one he hadn’t prepared for at all. Regulus doesn’t seem to mind, he sits unbothered between Pandora and Peter, quietly talking about something James can’t make out from all the way across the room. They’re supposed to be boyfriends now. Officially dating. In an actual relationship. No longer hiding things.

(Except of course the fact that all of this is still a big, heart breaking lie.)

They’re supposed to be openly dating now, but Regulus isn’t acting any different and it’s making James anxious.

Isn’t that weird? Shouldn’t they be sitting next to each other, holding hands and cuddling and all those things now? It’s making James realise that he has no idea what a relationship actually means to Regulus. What kind of partner he usually is. James would have liked to find out in a normal way. By actually dating Regulus. Instead now he has to hope to get told by Regulus, once they eventually get to talking about what the fuck their plan here is.

“I should have expected that you wouldn’t stare at him any less now that you’ve admitted that you’re dating,” Marlene interrupts his thoughts by giving him a little nudge with her foot on his shoulder. “Disgustingly sweet. I’m surprised you have enough self-control to sit all the way across the room from him. Kind of expected you’d have him in your lap twenty-four seven once you come clean.”

James would love to have Regulus in his lap. Doubts Regulus would ever want to do that though.

“Anyway,” Marlene continues. “I wanted to say goodbye, Dorcas and I are leaving for the night.”

“Damn, first to leave the party? You okay, McKinnon?” James teases.

Marlene just laughs. “Gotta continue the party at our own place,” she says easily.

James huffs out a little laugh of his own and gets to his feet to give his friend a hug. “It was nice having you here,” he says. “And have fun with your after party.”

“You too,” Marlene replies, the grin on her face clearly audible in her voice. She pulls him into a tighter hug and gives his back a friendly slap. Then, quietly, close to his ear she says, “And I’m happy for you for letting yourself have this happiness. You deserve that, James.”

“Thank you,” he says earnestly. It isn’t often that Marlene is soft. Acknowledges emotions this directly. It makes it mean all the more to him, even if the sentiment is slightly misplaced here. Right now he is happy to ignore it.

 

Over the course of the next hour everyone slowly starts making their goodbye. It isn’t until Barty punches his arm in what James can only imagine is supposed to be a friendly goodnight gesture that James realises that Regulus still being here is very unusual. “Regulus is not coming with you?” he asks perplexed.

Barty shrugs. “I suppose now that we officially know about the two of you he’s hoping for some alone time with you once we’ve all left. Didn’t wanna join me home, so take care of him.”

“Of course,” James immediately agrees, turning to look at Regulus. He’s sitting on James’ sofa, legs drawn up to his chest, a pillow in his arms. He’s following a conversation between Lily and Remus but not saying anything himself. He looks rather exhausted and James has no idea why he’s still hanging around at all.

Once Barty’s left James decides to investigate. He braces his hands on the back of the sofa where Regulus is sitting and leans over, quietly murmuring next to his ear, “You doing okay?”

Regulus startles, his head snapping around, neck craning to look up at James, who gives him a small smile.

“I’m okay,” Regulus says simply.

“You sure?” James prompts. “You look a bit exhausted.”

“Too much socialising,” Regulus supplies.

James frowns. “You know you can leave, right? Barty just left, you could have absolutely gone with him.”

Regulus looks at him like he’s stupid. James is definitely missing something here, he just has no idea what it is. His face apparently says as much because Regulus lowers his voice further and says, “Not until everyone else has left.”

James still doesn’t really get it. He’d like to ask, but with the way Regulus said this he feels like he shouldn’t. So instead he suggests, “If it’s too much you can go to my room and just wait until everyone’s gone? No one’s gonna bother you there.”

Regulus looks like he is genuinely considering the offer for a moment. In the end he shakes his head however. “I don’t expect they’re going to stay for much longer.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” James hums, looking at his remaining friends. Remus and Lily can talk for hours once they’ve started, and Peter and Evan are laughing sitting over an abandoned game of cards and a half empty bottle of some dubiously coloured drink and James knows for a fact Sirius is not going to leave until everyone else has.

Regulus looks straight up devastated at the news. It nearly makes James want to cut the night short and throw everyone out of his flat. “Just remember,” he says instead. “You don’t have to stay. In this room or even in this flat.”

Regulus gives a nod and snuggles back into his corner of the sofa and James leaves it at that.

Sirius immediately leans against him when James sits down next to him. He wraps his arm around him and just enjoys the closeness for a moment.

“You’re keeping your distance from him,” Sirius says.

“Hm?”

“Regulus. You’re being very distance-y from each other.”

“I’m not yet used to you knowing about this,” James says truthfully. “I don’t know how to act with him with other people around.”

Sirius hums thoughtfully. “That makes sense. Bet you’ll get comfortable with that real soon though.”

“Bet...” James echoes quietly.

They sit in warm silence for another couple minutes, watching their friends talk, before Sirius speaks again. “He looks exhausted.”

“Who?” James asks, before following Sirius’ gaze towards Regulus, who has slid down further on the sofa, curled up like a cat around the pillow. He looks soft. James gets the urge to wrap him up in a blanket and run his fingers through his hair until he falls asleep. “Yeah,” he agrees to Sirius’ statement. “I think today was just a lot.”

“I didn’t mean to upset him,” Sirius says. “Or you.”

“It’s alright,” James reassures him. “Can’t really blame your concluding...”

“Guess not...” Sirius also sounds exhausted. “Still though... I don’t think I’m being a very good brother at the moment. Or friend. I don’t think I’m picking up on things correctly right now. My emotions are all jumbled in my brain and it makes it difficult judging others’.”

“You’re always a good friend,” James tells him. “Just because sometimes you don’t have the capacity to be there for everyone doesn’t make you any less good of a friend. I don’t love you just because you’re highly neat and really cool, I also love you because sometimes you suck.”

“Only sometimes?”

“Yeah, slip of tongue. Absolutely most of the time. You excel at sucking.”

Sirius grins brightly. “I sure do. I’ve perfected it.”

“I bet,” James snorts.

“You’ll win that bet easily.”

“Only if I can find someone willing to bet against me. Doubt anyone would.”

Sirius mulls this over, humming contently. “Yeah, I don’t think anyone would be stupid enough to take that chance... Shame...”

They fall into comfortable silence from there, only the occasional silly conversation between them interrupting it. “I missed you,” James says eventually. “And this.”

“I missed you too,” Sirius says, snuggling closer against his side. “And also this.”

“Are you doing better then?”

Sirius weighs his head from side to side, the motion pressed warm into James’ shoulder. “I’m getting there,” he says. “It still sucks and I’m still not doing great but I don’t want to die so, you know, it’s fine.”

If that’s the baseline at the moment James really doesn’t think fine summarises it well.

“I will go by the place I had an interview on Monday to try and pick up my phone and vibe check with the girl I was talking to there and until they reject me I will be hopeful.”

“Things will be okay,” James says.

“Things will be okay,” Sirius repeats.

 

As flatmates Peter and Remus decide to leave at the same time, which prompts Lily and Evan to collect their things as well. Consequently (and with only minimal whining) Sirius also detaches himself from James, seeing the night as officially over.

“Reggie is staying the night?” he asks when he gives James yet another long goodbye hug.

“Uhm...”

“I’d assume so,” Evan thankfully answers, saving James the need to come up with any lies or excuses. “Considering he’s already asleep I doubt his boyfriend would throw him out of the flat.”

That makes James look over to the sofa. He had noticed Regulus getting more and more ball shaped the later it had gotten but hadn’t noticed the moment he actually fell asleep. It throws James off guard completely. Somewhere in the back of his mind he is aware that he is frozen, staring at Regulus curled up on the sofa, face pressed into the pillow tightly locked in a hug.

Peter nudges him, demanding his attention again. “I also want a goodnight hug, Prongs,” he says. “Stop staring at your boyfriend like you’ve never seen a sleeping person before, it’s a bit weird.”

James blinks and turns his attention to his friends, giving each of them a hug. (Sirius gets three more, just for good measure.)

They’re too loud when they’re all leaving, for his tastes. The entire time he is worried they might wake Regulus up with their chattering while they put on their shoes and say their final goodbyes. Which is ridiculous, because once the door closes behind Evan, James is facing this exact problem.

He can’t just let Regulus keep sleeping on his sofa. He doubts he would appreciate waking up in the morning and realising he accidentally slept over at James’ place. Which means that James has to wake him.

Everything in James refuses this notion. Regulus looks so soft. Waking him seems criminal.

And yet.

James crouches down next to the sofa and gently taps Regulus’ shoulder. “Hey, Reg,” he whispers. “Everyone’s left...”

Regulus makes a small noise and presses his face deeper into the pillow.

James is going to fucking die.

He hates himself a little when he still keeps trying, “Regulus.” Another gentle tap on his arm this time. “Hey, wake up.” He hesitates. “You can stay here the night if you want, I just need you to actually want that so you have to wake up first, alright?”

Another noise, sounding vaguely more awake this time.

“Reg? Hey...”

Finally Regulus opens his eyes. He blinks blearily up at James. When he seems to have taken in his surroundings enough he sits up slowly, still holding onto that damned pillow.

“Morning,” James says with a soft smile.

Regulus glares at him. Or rather tries to glare, his hair tousled and the imprints of the pillow and sofa on his cheek undermining his attempt greatly.

“You can sleep here if you want,” James starts again. “I just wanted to let you know that everyone else has left so if you want to go home, your rule is no longer in your way.”

Regulus nods. James isn’t entirely convinced he’s actually taken in any of the words James just said, because a moment later he takes in his previous position on the sofa, all curled up once more.

“Alright,” James says quietly. “I’ll get you a blanket, okay? If you want to leave at any point, just pull the door close behind you.”

Regulus makes a grumbled but otherwise undefined noise, already halfway back to being asleep. James only watches him for a second, his heart doing a pathetic little stumble before it melts in his chest.

The last time James had seen Regulus this soft was the first time he had ever seen Regulus. That Sunday morning when James surprised him while burning toast. That Sunday morning when James fell in love again.

Seeing Regulus this soft once more doesn’t help his feelings at all. Whatever plans he had had of getting over Regulus – James can definitely now forget about them truly and forever, because this? Whatever give there had been around his heart’s hold on Regulus, it has indisputably disappeared.

From his room James gets a blanket – his softest one, because if he can spoil Regulus he absolutely will – and gently tucks it around him. Regulus immediately takes hold of it, pulling it closer around himself, half hiding below it.

James watches fondly as Regulus settles into sleep. He doesn’t card his fingers through his hair. Doesn’t tug the curl having fallen across his eyes behind his ear. Doesn’t lean down to give him a small kiss on the forehead. Instead he whispers, “Goodnight, Reg. Sleep well,” before he quietly leaves for his own room.

Notes:

look at that, nearly all fluff and no angst, i can be nice!!!
i didn't want to leave you waiting too long after the last chapter so here you go, however, there is a big chance i'm gonna have to slow it down a little for a while cause i just started my thesis and i have several being away plans in the near future and also man these chapters are too fucking long for me to write quickly, sorry about that...

now here comes the real proper shoutout to world ain't ready, specifically the bathroom scene, my most reread scene ever. if you know you know. if you don't know you should change that asap and read that fic. i was very, very heavily influenced there and it most certainly shows

find me on tumblr

Chapter 11: I Wish I’d Stayed Asleep Today

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Close To Me by The Cure

Regulus wakes up to a distant clattering and the smell of coffee.

It takes him several seconds to blink his eyes open, and then even longer to figure out where he is.

His first thought is that he stayed over at someone’s place after a hookup. But why he would be sleeping this uncomfortably – on a sofa, his mind slowly supplies – is inexplicable to him. So is the fact that he is still fully clothed, a rather uncomfortable discovery now that he is waking up properly.

When he sits up he immediately manages to make sense of the situation. Because this room... within the last couple weeks he’s been in here more times than he ever anticipated. It’s grown rather familiar by now. The deep red sofa. The coffee table usually strewn with notes and books now occupied by abandoned shot glasses. The bookshelf overflowing with mainly board games. His brother and his friends smiling down at him from the wall facing him. The overwhelming feeling of James in this room. It’s easy to recognise where he is, once he’s shaken off the dreams still lingering in his bones.

What he’s still missing is the information on why he is here. He doesn’t remember falling asleep the previous night, much less the decision to do so in James’ flat. He remembers being inexhaustibly tired. Remembers wanting to go home so badly and knowing that if he did so before everyone else did it would raise several eyebrows. He remembers James having offered up his room as a place for Regulus to hide away for a while and declining the offer, and he remembers having listened to Remus and Lily talk about Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. After that he remembers nothing.

Warily he gets up. He’s fully intending to just leave – he has more than overstayed his welcome already. It’s a miracle James hasn’t already thrown him out. He’ll only check by the kitchen for a second to apologise for falling asleep on James’ sofa and announcing his long overdue departure. And then he can go home and put on some fresh clothes and brush his teeth. His mouth feels awful. Actually, it feels awful enough that he makes a grab for his wand only to realise it’s not in its designated pocket.

Regulus groans. This is already a terrible start to the day.

He pushes the blanket aside (blanket. He does not remember having had a blanket on this sofa last night. Someone must have put it on him) and searches the sofa for his missing wand. He finds it rolled between two cushions, greatly relieved he didn’t accidentally break it by sleeping on top of it. He performs a small mint-freshing charm on himself as at least a small reprieve until he is home. It’s not ideal, but it’ll do for the time being. Then he tentatively makes his way to James’ kitchen.

The door is half open. James is standing on the stove frying eggs and humming. He looks so inexplicably bright, a smile practically pouring out of his face, that momentarily Regulus can’t do anything but stare. He blames it on it being early and him only just having woken up that his mind isn’t quite there yet. He’s never been a morning person and he wasn’t going to start now just because he involuntarily slept the night on James’ sofa.

Regulus clears his throat and gently knocks on the open door, still maintaining his position just outside the kitchen.

“Someone’s finally awake,” James says with a wide smile before turning to Regulus. The moment he sees him the smile falters and then James is standing there, spatula in hand, simply staring at him with wide eyes.

Regulus scowls, suddenly uncertain about his entire presence in James’ flat. He wonders if he should have just left in silence and pretended he hadn’t been here at all.

James still doesn’t move. Doesn’t say anything. Just stares.

“Your eggs are going to burn,” Regulus finally says to make James stop because he might actually start crying otherwise.

“Right. Yes. Of course.” James clears his throat. “Good morning,” he says, his smile once again fixed on his face. “Eggs.” And he turns back to the stove to turn down the heat.

“Did you expect someone else?” Regulus asks.

“What? No. Why would I?”

Regulus frowns. “You looked rather startled to see me just then.”

James laughs awkwardly. He gets a mug from the cupboard – the same Quidditch one Regulus had last time – and busies himself with filling it. “I forgot about the love bites,” James says, intently staring at the mug. “They took me off guard.” He goes to the fridge and gets out another little jug. “Also your hair is kind of messy.”

Regulus instinctively reaches up to flatten out his hair. He’ll have to do that properly in front of a mirror before he leaves. In fairness, he had also forgotten about the love bites. Certainly not about James leaving them on his neck, but it had slipped his mind that they would still be visible.

James puts the mug down on the table. It’s already sat for two people, plates and cutlery waiting. “I made you coffee,” he says. It takes Regulus by surprise enough that he completely freezes, hand still atop his hair. “I haven’t had the chance to get hazelnut syrup yet but uh, I put extra many sprinkles on top to make up for it. And you can add more sugar or cocoa powder or something if you want, I have that here.”

Regulus stares at the mug waiting for him, his hand slowly dropping down, abandoning the attempt of making his hair look presentable. Did James remember his preferred coffee order? And tried to replicate it at home? He hadn’t anticipated to stay here for any more than a quick goodbye and now he is getting coffee with sprinkles? “Where’s your coffee?” he blurts out because he’s still tired and overwhelmed and hasn’t had his coffee yet and apparently this is the best thing his brain can come up with.

“Oh, I don’t drink coffee,” James says. “It’s disgusting and makes me tired, so I don’t see the point.”

Regulus switches from staring at that damned coffee mug to staring at James.

“Don’t look at me like that, I’ve already gotten enough shit from Sirius for not liking coffee.”

That isn’t at all why Regulus is staring. Although how anyone could dislike coffee is absolutely beyond him, he practically lives off that. It’s rather... James made him coffee. An attempt at his preferred order. Which he’s heard of once. He’s made him coffee when he doesn’t even drink it himself. “Thank you,” Regulus says quietly, not quite sure how to cope with all the feelings currently whirlpooling in his chest. He really needs to get that caffeine inside him to get a hold of them again.

“Nothing to thank me for,” James says easily. “Feel free to sit, breakfast is nearly done. I intended to wake you in a minute so your timing was rather neat.”

Regulus still doesn’t know what to say, so he decides to simply follow James’ request. The smell of the coffee is too alluring to deny it anyway. He hates changing plans but he hates not having had coffee in the morning more. And so he sits on the same chair he’s chosen the last handful of times he’s been here. The fact he apparently now has a usual seat in James’ kitchen only mildly freaks him out. (The mildly is solely thanks to the fact that he currently has far too many other things to freak out about. Like the fact that James remembered his coffee order. The fact that James made breakfast. The fact that Regulus spent the night at James’ place. The fact that his neck is covered in love bites. Oh, and also the fact that he has a fake boyfriend now, apparently.)

“I don’t know if you remember that I woke you last night, I think you might have still been asleep when you glared at me for waking you...”

“That sentence makes no sense,” Regulus mumbles, cradling the coffee mug in his hands and inhaling the fumes, already waking up a little more.

James hums unbothered, taking the plates one after the other off the table again to fill them with food.

“Sorry for hijacking your sofa, sleeping here had not been part of my plans.” Barely anything that happened the previous day had been part of Regulus’ plans.

“It’s all good, do you know how often Peter’s spontaneously spent the night on that couch before?”

“Somehow I would have rather expected you name Sirius here...”

James laughs. “Oh, I would have, only Pads usually shares the bed with me. Peter doesn’t like sharing though, he gets territorial about the mattress so he usually takes the sofa.”

“And Remus?” Regulus asks. He doesn’t really care, he just enjoys the way James smiles when he’s talking about his friends.

“Oh, he barely ever sleeps over. It fucks up his back so he drags himself home even when he’s drunk and tired. Although I guess he’s always tired, so he has practice dragging himself around in that state.” James laughs brightly.

“You’re very cheerful today,” Regulus notes.

“Mm, I had a nice ending to my night yesterday,” James hums. “And now I unexpectedly have nice company for breakfast, so the day is already looking good.”

Regulus can feel his cheeks getting warmer. He lifts the mug up to his face, busying himself with blowing away the vapour and taking a sip before he ends up blurting out something stupid.

But then he tastes the coffee and feels all the more inclined to say something stupid. Because this coffee is good. Regulus doesn’t know what James mixed in instead of the hazelnut syrup, but it still tastes warm and sweet, mixing with the cream and chocolate sprinkles on top. He even used oat milk instead of regular milk, something Regulus doesn’t even get when he’s at Evan’s.

He can feel James watching him carefully and when he looks up to confirm the feeling James asks, “Coffee okay?”

Regulus nods earnestly, mouth still on the rim of the mug. The answering smile James gives him is so blinding Regulus has to avert his gaze.

James finally sets both filled plates down on the table and himself on the chair opposite Regulus. The food looks good – Regulus has given up on making anything fancy for breakfast years ago. There was a short period of time where he had thought he’d be able to cook. It had been a very misplaced faith in his abilities, put there by his very recent success in leaving home and dropping out of university. Sirius’ initial laughter at his attempts he managed to ignore. Sirius barely had any foot to stand on with the few things he could cook. No, it was James walking in on him badly burning everything once again that had finally put him off of trying altogether. Of course this, too, had been James Potter.

Regulus can only count himself lucky that he hadn’t already had any of James’ foods back then or his already great embarrassment would have been so much worse. Because this here – this looks absolutely perfect, only made better by the very perfect coffee in Regulus’ hand.

It would be nice if there were any flaws to James. Anything at all that could put Regulus off him. The closest thing Regulus can find is James’ constant need to flirt with anything and anyone as a joke. Because Regulus doesn’t like seeing James flirt with other people. And he certainly doesn’t like that when he is the one being flirted with his heart jolts a little before his head catches up with the realisation that this is all just for fun.

“What was your reasoning yesterday?” James asks curiously, pulling Regulus out of his thoughts again.

“What reasoning?” Regulus asks warily. Half of his reasoning had been too spontaneous for him to label as proper reasoning at all. Which he does not like to admit. Regulus doesn’t do things spontaneously, he thinks things through from start to end before he makes decisions.

Except for when it comes to James, apparently.

“You said you couldn’t leave before the others,” James points out. “You said it would raise eyebrows.”

Regulus raises his eyebrows now. “Do you really think that after we just announced to everyone that we are apparently in a committed relationship after you were clearly upset they wouldn’t gather it’s all merely a facade if I left without kissing you?”

“Oh,” James says. “You didn’t want to kiss me again. That makes sense.”

Sometimes Regulus really wonders if James is truly this stupid or if he only pretends to be. As if Regulus wouldn’t want to kiss him, James has got to know that. It’s not like he managed to hide his reactions to their last kiss or James practically feasting on his neck particularly well. Or at all, for the matter. He’s been awfully obvious about the whole thing.

“We should go over our boundaries again,” James continues. “Considering our initial plan kind of blew up I think we need new rules.”

Regulus looks ruefully at his coffee. Of course they need a new boundary talk. He’d just prefer living in blissful ignorance where he can have James leaving his marks all over his skin again.

“After breakfast,” James says quickly, misreading Regulus’ staring down his coffee. “Of course, please wake up properly first.”

 

“So,” James says once he’s put away the breakfast plates. Regulus insisted on drying the dishes this time, considering he wasn’t planning on immediately running out after food for once. “How are we doing this?” He glances behind Regulus, a frown on his face. “Also, just so you know, I need to leave in a little over an hour, I have training today.”

Regulus nods. That should be more than enough time to go over everything again. “Let’s start with the simple things. When did you ask me to be your boyfriend?”

“I mean, I haven’t yet,” James immediately says.

Which.

Yeah.

Regulus is definitely going to think about that sentence a little too hard. Or, the little innocuous yet at the end of it, rather.

“James,” he warns, willing that he, for once, does not blush.

“Yes. Sorry. Uhm, last week?” James says quickly. “When you came over. You know. When we kissed.”

“Yes, thank you, I haven’t forgotten about that.” He’s done rather the opposite of it, really. Very inappropriately so. Has since had his hands between his legs several times thinking of it. Did, in fact, stare down the tee he borrowed from James a while back while doing so once. Even if he hasn’t quite dared to use it in the way he told James about.

Yet.

“Of course.” James is running his hand through his hair, eyes flitting across the room. “Yes, me neither.” He clears his throat. Looks rather embarrassed about it. And for the first time Regulus wonders if maybe James enjoyed it just as much. Maybe James’ thoughts after have wandered in similar ways to Regulus’. It’s a daring thought, a new thought that feels slightly dangerous because it makes something tingle inside his chest that has lied dead and dormant since he was thirteen years old.

A flicker of hope.

“I just mean,” James continues quickly and Regulus has to focus to take in his words now, his mind swaying too much. “It would make sense, right? They all know you came over to mine then. And a couple days ago Gideon accidentally made Sirius believe that I introduced you as my boyfriend to him. So the timeline works out, right?”

“Right,” Regulus says. Can’t quite get over the fact that apparently the word boyfriend had been used already before Regulus had the chance to call them that. “Last Saturday then.”

“Last Saturday then,” James echoes.

It makes Regulus indescribably sad. The hope still lingers there inside him, but brighter than that is the longing for a reality he is being shown but cannot have. A reality in which James Potter asked him to be his boyfriend and Regulus got to say yes.

Regulus blinks the feeling away. He’ll deal with that when he’s on his own. When he has time to think about it without James’ wide eyes on him. “So. Boundaries?” he asks.

“Yes, those.” James huffs out a small laugh. “Suddenly there’s a lot more on the table.” He looks at Regulus’ neck, letting his eyes trail down it, and his previous awkward demeanour suddenly changes into a teasing one. “How much more feasting is there going to be?”

And isn’t it impressive how James Potter manages to snuff out any glimpses of hope Regulus had of partially requited feelings only a minute ago by flirting with him? Because this – this is the James that Regulus knows. The one who flirts with Regulus because it’s fun and it’s funny and Regulus is easy to toy with.

It’s a tragedy and it’s a marvel how only James can make his feelings of disinterest clear with flirtatious remarks.

Regulus presses his lips together. He’s not going to pretend like he isn’t dying for any opportunity to get James’ hands (and mouth) on himself again. He’s given up on pretending long ago. He’ll take whatever James is willing to give him while keeping as much of his dignity as he can. “Our friends will ask questions if we’re never affectionate in front of them,” he says.

“Even for you?” James asks. “Are you usually affectionate with your partners in front of your friends?”

“No,” Regulus admits. “But none of them had been my boyfriend.”

That makes James’ eyebrows fly up in surprise before they draw together, frown lines appearing on his forehead. “No boyfriends?” James asks. There is something heavy to the question that, for once, Regulus cannot place.

“As you’ve pointed out before,” Regulus says, a hint of bitterness that he cannot quite swallow still lingering in his voice, “I don’t really do anything that’s too committed.”

“Wait but like, you’ve had a boyfriend before, right?”

Regulus doesn’t say anything. His teeth hurt a little from how badly his jaw muscles tense. It’s not for the lack of trying. It’s more for the lack of actual interest in people who might have had an interest in him as well. That’s what happens when you’re in love with the same person for half your life. It’s what happens when you have trouble trusting other people with yourself and your feelings.

“Wait,” James says again and there is an edge to his voice, a hint of panic, “are you telling me I’m your first boyfriend?”

“Fake,” Regulus bites out. “Fake boyfriend.”

James’ eyes are wild behind his glasses, his lips forming silent words until finally he says, a little too loud and a little too earnest, “I’m sorry.”

Which doesn’t make any sense at all. “What for?”

“You deserve better than a fake relationship with me as your first relationship,” James says. “You should have romance and love and all those things. Not... this. I’m sorry.”

“It’s a glorified concept anyway,” Regulus says. “I don’t need nor want it.” It’s what he’s been telling himself for years now. He almost believes it.

“Oh,” James says and those frown lines reappear once more. Regulus wants to reach over and smooth them out, press his thumb against them until they disappear again. “So– but–” The frown only deepens as James is trying to find the correct words. “Then how are they going to believe that I’m your boyfriend? If you don’t do this?”

It takes everything in Regulus not to laugh at that. “Don’t worry about it,” he says. “They’ll believe it.”

“How?” James insists.

He’s been obviously pining after James for a decade, is the simple answer he is not willing to give. If he tells his friends he is dating James they’ll swallow it immediately.

There was a time he was obvious about his crush, his romantic feelings for James. Barty and Evan figured it out far too quickly for Regulus’ likings. He learned to hide it better soon enough. But the fact that he still finds James unbearably attractive isn’t a secret from anyone. The fact nearly all his hookups share some rather clear common traits anyone could figure that one out. Considering James caught him checking him out even he has to know about it. And on top of that Regulus has been very outspoken against making any of his hookups serious. So if he says that this time it is then there can’t be any doubt to it to any of his friends. Not with how averse he’s been about it before, not when he’s so reluctant to let people get close to him emotionally.

He of course doesn’t say any of that. What he says instead is, “We will just have to be convincing.”

“Convincing,” James repeats. “Yeah, okay. I can do convincing.” He hesitates a moment, giving Regulus as assessing look over. “Are you still okay with hand holding?”

Regulus rolls his eyes. “I think we will have to do a little more than just hold hands, James.”

James eyes dart down to Regulus’ lips and he swallows hard. It’s only a split second though, then he’s recovered his composure. “Alright,” he says. “I will let you decide what you’re comfortable with. I’m–” he clears his throat. He looks embarrassed. Caught out. And unbearably earnest. “Well, all the things we’ve already done, if you don’t feel weird about it, I think I can do that again without making it a big deal. If you wanted to... I mean... I can treat it like kissing any stranger at the pub and all that...”

It’s ... nice ... of James to look past Regulus’ obvious attraction and pretend he is nothing more than some random person he found at a bar. It doesn’t bother Regulus at all. He is totally fine with this. “Yeah,” he says, his mouth dry. “Works for me.”

“Okay, cool,” James says giving him two thumbs up. He looks so awkward.

“So, hand holding and occasional kissing,” Regulus says.

James nods.

“What else?”

“Cuddling?” James suggests slowly.

This does makes Regulus pause. “If the need for it arises,” he says.

“I’m buying you lunch whenever we see each other for that,” James decides.

“We’re not actually dating, James,” Regulus reminds him.

James shakes his head vehemently. “If we were, though, I would. I can’t budge on that one.”

“Fine. Then I’m making you read some of my favourite books,” Regulus counters. He phrases it like a compromise. As if he isn’t getting something out of it in both cases.

And still James just nods, eagerly agreeing to it.

It’s a bit disconcerting, how easy James is with this. It makes Regulus feel unstable somehow. He doesn’t want to linger on the feeling and so he continues, “Are there any new boundaries you want to name now that we’ve established more things to do? I’ll obviously stay away from your hair. Properly, this time.”

“You don’t have to,” James blurts out and then he flushes a shade darker. “I mean. I liked it. So feel free to touch my hair again.”

Regulus looks at him blankly. He had wondered. Jealously, so. When Lily touched his hair, and Marlene, and Sirius, and Peter as well at some point. He had wondered why Regulus was the exception, why he wasn’t allowed to. It upset him, stupidly enough, because he’s dreamed of burying his hands in James’ hair too many times to count. He would have kept his promise to James to keep away from his hair as well, if the sucking and licking along his neck hadn’t completely dissolved any control he ever had of himself. He had felt awful, afterwards, for overstepping the one single boundary James had given him. And now James is telling him he liked it.

“So. Hair touching is fine,” Regulus says slowly, his voice a little frayed at the edges. “What are you not okay with?”

James stays quiet for a very long time. Finally he says, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“You tell me first.”

“Tell you..?”

“Your boundaries,” James clarifies. “Like... Pet names?”

Regulus tenses. He still remembers Marlene pointing out just how out of the ordinary it is for James to keep himself from calling Regulus any terms of endearment at all. He realises it’s not going to be very believable if they keep this up. But at the same time... Making out with James is one thing. The blatant flirting he does doesn’t feel genuine. Sure, it still makes Regulus blush but it doesn’t feel personal. It doesn’t feel like it’s for him. It’s a game James likes to play, nothing more.

But pet names? Regulus hasn’t ever had that before. Except for the occasional baby from creeps like Bozo who made the word rather unappealing to him. A pet name with the intention of it being endearing and loving is ... dangerous. Regulus isn’t sure he can keep his heart in lock if James subjects him to that.

He grinds his teeth. “Every now and then pet names are fine,” he says. “Try them out if you want to, I’ll let you know which one are not okay.” He chews on the inside of his cheek, considering. “I’m drawing a hard line at love.”

James blanches. “What?”

“As a pet name,” Regulus says. “Don’t call me that.”

“Oh.” There is a moment of relief on James’ face before he looks genuinely disappointed. “That’s my favourite one though.”

“Too bad,” Regulus says without a hint of sympathy. Inwardly he is quietly screaming.

“Alright. Minimal pet names, no calling you love.”

“No big public gestures for courting.”

“Courting,” James snorts. “What are we, royalty from the renaissance?”

Regulus gives him a cold look.

James still grins when he replies. “No problem. I wasn’t planning on doing any big gestures anyway. I’ve learned my lesson regarding that a while ago. Besides, you didn’t strike me as someone who enjoyed carrying your private matters into the public eye anyway.”

Regulus nods curtly. He’s had enough eyes on him his whole life, he is kind of done with that now.

“What about Sirius?” James asks.

“What do you mean?”

“How much should we reign it in when he’s around?”

“Not at all,” Regulus says immediately, scowling. “By all means, let’s make him see us making out most of all.”

James runs his hand through his hair, a surprised laugh falling from his lips. “Spiteful, I see.”

“He’s been all up in my business recently. If he wants to get involved in everything I do let him see me get his best friend worked up about me.”

James makes a choked off noise, coughing while his face is turning redder from lack of air. “Merlin, Reg,” he brings out. “Okay.”

Regulus crosses his arms, looking at James defiantly. “If I can also get something out of this arrangement I will.” Not as if that’ll be the only thing he’s getting out of it. Certainly not If pissing off his brother involves kissing James again.

“Alright,” James says, still wheezing a little. “Whatever you want, babe.”

And that. Yeah. Regulus is doing so fine.

Merlin this is going to be absolute torture. Regulus would very much like to jump James right here and now.

This is going to be a problem.

“We should figure out a safe word or something,” James continues, unaware of the fact that Regulus is currently going through several crises at the same time. “For when you feel uncomfortable and need an out, so I know when to stop without anyone else catching on.”

“Or you,” Regulus mutters.

“What?”

“Or when you need an out,” Regulus says.

“Ah. Yeah, makes sense.” A small frown appears on James’ forehead again. “Any ideas?”

“Honey,” Regulus supplies dryly. He doesn’t particularly like that one anyway.

“Aren’t food related safe words more a sex thing?” James asks.

“In what other context do you usually have safe words,” Regulus deadpans. “Besides. I was thinking of it as a term of endearment. What do you think, honey?” he adds sweetly giving his example.

James blinks. Several times. “I see,” he says finally. “That’s smart.”

“I know.”

“Yeah, we can do that,” James agrees. “I think that should work.”

“Great,” Regulus says with very little enthusiasm. It’s not that he’s dreading the coming time. It’s rather that he doesn’t want James to know just how much he already longs for his mouth on him again.

“Anything else we need to consider?”

There is. It’s a real problem now, because they’ve told their friends they’re having a serious relationship. It’s more than just pretend hooking up or pretend casual dates with no strings attached. This is something their friends know about, something their friends will care about. Which means they have to figure this out at some point.

Regulus schools his expression into a blank one, banishing any sign of emotion when he says, “The end.”

James looks confused, the what clearly written in the lines on his forehead.

“We need to figure out how we end this supposed relationship. Once Sirius has settled into a new job and you’ve signed your contract with the Catapults.” Thinking about a breakup before even getting to properly date James Potter. The world never stops being cruel to Regulus.

James looks equally unhappy about this. He opens his mouth several times but it takes him a while before he settles on words to say out loud. “Let’s focus on the supposed relationship first before we think about how to break up, yeah? It’s still far enough away. If we already plan the end of it it’ll be so much more difficult to play happily in love...”

James’ entire demeanour looks dimmed when he says that and Regulus simply does not have the heart to tell him that they can’t be playing a perfect carefree relationship if they’re supposed to end it in a handful of weeks. They’ll have to plant hints of problems if they want the breakup to make sense in the end. But Regulus simply does not want to be the reason why James looks even less sunny than he already does and so all he does is nod in agreement. “That’s it then from my side,” he says.

“Okay, same,” James agrees, then glances at the clock in his kitchen. “I’ll have to be at the stadium in forty minutes.”

“Yeah, I’ll leave, thank you for breakfast,” Regulus hurries to say, taking the dismissal for what it clearly is.

Only, James shakes his head until Regulus stops in rising from his chair. “What I meant,” he says, “is to ask if you’re interested in joining me until then? There’s usually barely anyone around before the training. If you don’t have anything better to do you can go for another fly while I do a very long warm up?”

Regulus pauses, startled. It’s not at all what he expected. Truthfully, every single thing James has done since the previous night has been a surprise to Regulus. An extension of an invitation every single time Regulus had thought he’d already stayed longer than proper or wanted. But, well, he does want to go flying again. He’s been thinking about it a lot more since the last time James took him along and he misses it.

Tentatively he says, leaving all doors still open for himself, “We’d have to stop by mine though, I don’t have anything to wear while flying.”

“You can–” James quickly shuts his mouth. Then he seems to think differently, brushes the sheepishness away with a charming smile and says, “You can borrow some of my flying clothes if you want? I definitely have some that are a little tight on me, you should be fine with them, if you want? That’ll definitely save us some time.”

Regulus should most definitely decline, because this is getting decisively out of hand at this point. James is being just the tad bit too thorough with playing a convincing boyfriend.

He knows he has to decline, no matter how alluring this offer is. Maybe this offer even more so than just the prospect of going flying. But he has to decline and so, begrudgingly, he shakes his head. “I’d rather not risk ending up in just my pants because even your too small clothes fly off of me mid-air. Maybe flying today is just not the best idea.”

James looks disappointed but doesn’t disagree. Regulus appreciates that. The way he accepts his decision without argument because it is Regulus’ call to make.

“Maybe on Tuesday?” James suggests instead. “You could come with me before work, if you wanted to.”

“Maybe,” Regulus agrees with a small smile. “I’ll let you know.” He’ll most likely agree. Because it’s flying. And because it’s James who asked.

The smile James gives him in reply is soft and bright and is doing terrible, awful things to Regulus’ insides.

 

—

 

Honestly, James’ life is starting to go a little too well. His time is freeing up to an uncomfortable amount with lectures finally being over. On top of that his involvement in the Elqueue team has slowed down now that he has to properly focus on training with the Basilisks for the upcoming games and also his exam season. So yes, studying still exists and he still has more training than the average person and also he has a job he needs to get to, but it’s still less than he’s had for months and it’s disconcerting. Freeing. In a way that makes him itch, because he doesn’t know what to do with the lack of intense time pressure he’d been under the entire time.

On top of that there is, of course, Regulus. His fake boyfriend. The only thing he’s been thinking of for the past two days.

If James ever manages to breathe normally again or have a thought that doesn’t involve Regulus and kissing he can probably be considered medically dead without any proper diagnostics needed.

James Potter has zero self-preservation. That’s the only explanation he can find, because what the hell was he thinking just agreeing to Regulus’ proposal for regular kisses. He’s lost his absolute mind, because there is no way in hell he will be able to pretend these kisses are no different than kisses with strangers in loud bars during nights out.

It’s Regulus.

There is a limit to how much he can set his romantic feelings aside to have a platonic relationship with him. And sure, to James kisses have never been something inherently romantic, just like hugs or cuddles. But that doesn’t mean that he knows how to kiss Regulus platonically while they’re pretending to be romantically involved.

It doesn’t feel real. (Maybe because it isn’t, James has to periodically remind himself. All of this is fake and pretend and made up to fool their friends. Unfortunately, while James’ brain knows this, his heart seems to also be easily fooled.) He gets to kiss Regulus. That’s something that is happening now, apparently. It’s something that Regulus has asked for, specifically. (To annoy Sirius and prove a point, sure. But asked for nonetheless.) And he knows that, too, isn’t real and yet.

James’ heart is a traitor. That is the only conclusion he can get from this. It doesn’t much matter, ultimately. Doesn’t matter that the things that are not real feel real and the things that feel real James knows to be fake. It doesn’t matter, because fact is that James Potter is utterly and irrevocably in love with Regulus Black.

It’s a devastating thing to be aware of. Devastating when everything James has ever wanted to get he can have. He’s given the attention and permitted to give the affection, yet all of it comes with small print attached. A clause to determine when and where and how much. It is devastating, and still James is yearning to get some more of it. It’s bad for him, he knows that, too, because it’ll have to end eventually and James’ heart, as traitorous as it may be, does not deserve the inevitable break it’ll come with.

 

Regulus does text him to say he is free on Tuesday. James has never been happier that he isn’t required to attend the Elqueue training anymore, because this means he can get to the stadium quite a while before work and train with Regulus around without already being exhausted from hours of flying prior. (And if that means he gets to show off a little more around Regulus then so what of it.) So naturally James replies within seconds of Regulus’ text and suggests a time and place to meet in an overly excited total of six messages.

Regulus
Someday I will introduce you to the concept of punctuation marks. Did you know they save you the need to hit the ‘send’ button after every two words?
The time works for me, but I’d rather meet you directly in front of the stadium, if that’s fine with you.

James
in front of the stadium works for me!!!!!
also look at that
i know what punctionation marks are!!!
:D
i use them when necesrary
like here
:)
and here
!!!!!!

Regulus
You’re annoying.
I’ll see you tomorrow

James
vv excied!!!
cant wait <33

 

He wonders if he should feel bad about the heart at the end of the message. They’re pretending, right? There’s no world in which James wouldn’t send hearts to his partner. But also. They’re pretending. And James is pushing his luck a little, probably.

At least that’s what he thinks until his phone buzzes again, with the shortest text he’s ever gotten from Regulus.

Regulus
x

James fully ignores the rather realistic possibility that this might have been an accidental text and immediately skips right to dying of happiness due to Regulus sending him a kiss.

 

Regulus is already in Quidditch gear when James gets to the stadium. Waiting with a bag standing to his feet and a small frown on his face. It’s lightly raining, so James is really not surprised at the look.

“If you had let me pick you up you wouldn’t have had to wait in the rain,” James points out with a grin.

“I also wouldn’t have had to if you had shown up on time,” Regulus retorts, picking his bag up and slinging it over his shoulder.

“I’m not even that much too late,” James pouts. Then quickly glances at his watch to confirm his statement. “Literally just two minutes? That’s basically too early!”

“It’s literally two minutes late, how is that early?” Regulus asks.

James shrugs. He doesn’t have a real reply to this anyway. “Vibes,” he says simply. “Shall we?”

 

Gideon lets them in with a grin on his face and a wiggle of his eyebrows. “Another flying date with your boyfriend, I see.”

James grins at him sheepishly.

Gideon eyes Regulus a little closer, then asks him, “I like your new haircut.”

“What?” Regulus asks startled. “I didn’t change anything.”

“Wasn’t it longer last time?”

Regulus scowls. “If anything it grew since then.”

James can’t help but laugh at that. “The boyfriend you saw last time wasn’t my boyfriend, Gid, it was the boyfriend’s brother.”

“Ohhhhhh,” Gideon nods in understanding. “That makes sense. You two look identical.”

“We really don’t,” Regulus says immediately, sounding gravely offended.

“Regulus is prettier,” James agrees happily.

Gideon laughs lightly. “You have to say that, of course. Well, I’ll leave you to it. James, I’m sure you’re going to ensure your boyfriend brings back the broom before the kids get here?”

“Obviously,” James agrees before taking hold of Regulus’ hand and pulling him along towards the pitch.

 

—

 

James takes forever to choose a broom for Regulus from the supply room. When he emerges he looks rather unhappy. “Someone really needs to fund the stadium better, these brooms need an update so badly. Most of them could compete with the brooms we had back in Hogwarts and the proper good ones look so sad.” To prove his point he lifts the broom in his hand and shows Regulus the scratches in the handle and the bent twigs of the tail. “This would be a decent broom but with how the back is bent doing sharp curves is going to be absolutely impossible.”

Certainly not a broom for a Seeker, Regulus notes sadly. A Beater could work with this, maybe even a Chaser, but a Seeker needs a broom that follows the smallest change of control. “It’ll be fine.” Regulus tries to not let the disappointment in his voice show. “One day I’ll buy myself a new broom. Doesn’t make much sense at the moment anyway, it’s not like I’m going flying all that much currently...” He holds out his hand to take the broom from James, but he doesn’t give it to him. Instead he takes the borrowed broom and his own and heads outside for the pitch, saying, “I bet this one is going to have a bit of a left drift. I would have taken another one but the next best one didn’t even only have bent twigs, several ones were actually broken off. At least it’ll still be rather fast. And I guess the delayed response time will force me to think more ahead.”

“You,” Regulus says slowly. He picked up on the rather important word in what James said there.

“What about me?” James asks obliviously.

“Why would it influence the way you fly?”

“Oh!” James looks across his shoulder at Regulus, sporting a bright smile. “You’re getting my broom today.”

Regulus can’t do anything but gape at him. Not even his years long practice of hiding his feeling helps him to hide the shock. “Why?” he asks aghast.

“You said you missed flying fast,” James says. “Last time. And my broom is the fastest you can get.”

“But it’s your broom.” Regulus is genuinely a little worried about James. Lending his broom to someone else? If James is even close to being as into flying as Regulus is then this equates to giving away his left foot. And considering that James is literally on his way to becoming a star player it’s fairly safe to say that he is that obsessed with flying.

James just shrugs. “I trust you,” he says. “I know you know how to fly, so I’m not worried about either you or the broom getting hurt. I know you’re going to take care of it.”

I trust you. Regulus’ heart is beating hard enough that he can feel it in his ribs. “Are you sure?” he asks tentatively, glancing at James’ broom in his hand. He wants this. So badly. If James is truly willing to let him borrow his broom for a little while Regulus is certainly not going to decline.

“Positive,” James says. “But–” he adds, and Regulus’ heart sinks a little.

“What?”

“You have to warm up with me this time. You’re not getting around that, not when you’re flying my broom.”

Oh. “That’s it?” Regulus still can’t quite believe that James is willing to not just give away his broom, but on top of that also settle on one of the Elqueue brooms instead.

James grins and now the previous warmth is overshadowed by mischief. “Don’t say that before the warmup, you don’t know what you’re agreeing to here!”

Regulus scoffs. “I doubt it’s going to be that bad. I mean, you managed to do it just fine last time.”

The grin only widens, James’ dimples laughing along with him as he says, “You’re going to eat your words, babe.”

 

Regulus is never going to say as much but James was right. He will never understand why he should do a warmup the leaves him more winded than the actual training itself, but after several jogs around the pitch and stretches of muscles Regulus had forgotten he even has he is more than just warmed up. He absolutely refuses to let it show, though. If he was alone he’d be panting, wheezing for air. (Actually, if he was alone he wouldn’t have done such a warmup in the first place.) But with James here he refuses to let any kind of weakness show, forcing his lungs to breathe evenly.

James still gives him a knowing smirk when he presses his own broom into Regulus outstretched hand. “You good?”

“Excellent,” Regulus says, ignoring the strain the word puts on his sore throat. “Although I think you as a Chaser should really warm up your arms more than your legs. Where are the throwing exercises?”

“Careful what you wish for, sweetheart,” James says, and he really needs to stop using this many pet names just because Regulus gave him the green light for the occasional one. Regulus’ stomach does a summersault at every single one and he hates his body for betraying him like this. He gives James a glare and hopes he picks up on it, remembers their first boundary talk, but James only continues talking, unbothered. “I like doing them in the air. Helps exercising the core muscles as well. Ideally I’ll do them with a partner, so if you’re offering yourself up...”

Regulus isn’t the best at throwing and he really doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front of James. But at the same time he feels like he owes him for all of this. So in the end he settles for, “How about a race around the pitch first? On the brooms, obviously?”

James frowns. “You’re going to win that one,” he says. “I don’t even need to try, the outcome is obvious.”

“Just ‘cause I have the better broom this time–”

“It’s not just the broom,” James says. “I know you’re also faster than me in general. I’ve seen you fly, Reg, I’ve not forgotten what that looks like.”

Regulus feels the urge to hide his face behind his hands. It’s a compliment, and it’s one he cares about, because being a fast flyer is something he’s prided himself in for years. James pointing that out now means the world to him, and it leaves him a little flustered.

“We can still do it, if you want,” James says quickly, misreading his silence. “I get that you’re just here to fly, and obviously I didn’t give you my broom to do that slowly.”

“Yeah, alright,” Regulus agrees. “If you do win I’ll help you with your throwing exercises.”

Despite his insistence that the outcome will be obvious, James gives Regulus a cocky grin. “You’re on,” he says, “three rounds, the third as a slalom through the hoops and stand towers.” And then he starts racing down the pitch without warning or waiting for Regulus’ reply.

Regulus shouts several very colourful French profanities after him while scrambling to get on his broom and follow James.

James’ broom is perfect.

Regulus hasn’t flown in years, not with his own broom at any rate, so even the best of the best he had back then holds nothing to James’ broom now. He barely has to think about an action and the broom already reacts. The smallest twitch of his muscles an instant command followed flawlessly. It does require a whole lot more body tension, and Regulus understands now why James is so incredibly insistent on warming up because if he falters, if he loses his grip or relaxes his legs too much, the broom listens to that as well. It takes half a lap around the pitch and one very close call with the middle hoop to get used to, but once Regulus has it he has it. As soon as he lies flat on the handle the broom speeds up, faster and faster in barely a moment, and by the time the second lap is over he’s overtaken James.

If Regulus wouldn’t have to concentrate so hard, absolutely intent on beating James as best he can, he could honestly cry from happiness. James has no idea what he’s done here. What this means to Regulus. It’s like something inside him has fallen back into place, is healing properly. A faded bruise he’s gotten so used to prodding at he’s forgotten what it feels like when it doesn’t hurt.

Regulus finishes the third lap with an unnecessarily flourished loop through the last hoop before he comes to a halt to watch James.

James is certainly also trying hard, but it is clear his predictions about the broom’s behaviour were right. After every left curve he needs a moment to recover, and every right curve is cut so close Regulus’ stomach twists with worry, eyes snagging on James’ shoulder grazing the poles he’s flying past.

When James pulls to a stop next to Regulus his grin is as wild as his wind tousled hair. “You’re bloody incredible, Reg.”

Regulus is glad he can blame the red in his cheeks on the flush of the flight.

 

James’ throwing exercises are torture. Regulus understands why James has abs like that, because fifteen minutes into passing Quaffles back and forth he is already struggling sitting upright on his broom. Out of the kindness of his heart (and the general feeling of obligation to pay back a favour) he decided to help out with the throwing warmup after all, despite his win. He’s very much regretting it. Being kind is so overrated, from now on he’s only going to be thinking of himself to save his poor muscles.  

Despite how much he is trying to hide the strain James’ routine is putting on him, it seems to show eventually because the next Quaffle James catches he doesn’t throw back to Regulus.

“Need a break?” James asks. He doesn’t sound condescending. Not even concerned. Just a playful smile on his lips which makes it easy for Regulus to nod without feeling like he’s failed at something.

James joins him for some water at the lower stands, then points to a small box sitting on one of the seats. “There’s a training Snitch inside, if you want to switch it up a little,” he offers. “I don’t mind if you do your own thing for a while, I have enough other things I should practice on my own anyway.”

“Sounds good,” Regulus agrees. “How long do I have until I need to leave?”

James screws his water bottle close again, throwing it from hand to hand mindlessly. “Marlene will get here in about twenty minutes, the kids fifteen minutes after that. But you can stay during the training if you want, I have a couple children that really want to become Seekers, they’d be delighted to have someone to teach them who actually knows about the play from proper experience.”

“That doesn’t seem very legal,” Regulus points out. He has zero experience with children. Besides, he’s flown twice in the last three years. There is no way he is allowed to teach anyone anything.

“I wouldn’t leave you alone with the kids. Marlene and me would obviously still do the proper training, you’d just be our support for questions,” James says as if that’s obvious. And maybe it is obvious. But Regulus isn’t used to being asked for help without being given all of the responsibility and all of the blame when things go wrong.

He considers saying no for several seconds. The word is practically on his tongue already. It’s what he would have said a month ago. But a month ago he had somewhat forgotten what it felt like to fly. And now... well, now things are different. And he is a little curious about it all. “Okay,” he says slowly. “I’ll stick around for a while. But if I don’t like it I will leave.”

“That’s fair,” James says. He looks so incredibly excited about the concept of Regulus sticking around for his work hour. “I’ll let you keep my broom until whenever you want to go.”

“You’re just trying to bribe me into staying until the end,” Regulus says, putting on a scowl that he doesn’t mean in the least. James is making it difficult to frown these days.

 

—

 

Marlene shows up nearly too late, running onto the pitch looking somewhat stressed and dishevelled. She is already halfway through an apology for having James do all the preparations on his own when she spots Regulus, setting out the small practice hoops. She freezes on the spot, gaping at him. James can’t help the proud grin forming on his face.

“The fuck is your boyfriend doing here?” Marlene asks flabbergasted.

James’ heart does a little ridiculous flutter. He’s going to have to get used to that word. And more importantly internalise that Regulus is not actually his boyfriend. But oh, how he wishes it was all true.

“I asked if he wants to join our training today,” James explains quickly. He had hoped Marlene would show up on time so they could go about this properly. “You remember that Terence had those really specific questions about hand positions while catching the Snitch? I thought it might be cool if the kids could ask someone who’s actually properly played the position about all those things.”

Marlene snorts. “As if. You just wanted to have him around more now that you’ve finally admitted that you’re dating.”

James throws a glance over to Regulus, who is carefully righting the hoops. Neither James nor Marlene have ever put this much effort into making sure they’re standing perfectly in position. It’s really quite endearing. He knows the soft smile on his face as he watches Regulus is convincing, because it’s genuine and impossible to hide. “Yeah, maybe,” James admits truthfully. “I like spending time with him.”

“And you like showing off in front of him.”

Also true.

“And I like giving the kids some cool new infos!” James corrects nonetheless.

Marlene claps his shoulder with a fond shake of her head, then saunters over to Regulus to greet him. James would love to watch their conversation for longer, but they only have a handful of minutes left before the training is supposed to start, and half of the equipment is still stored away.

 

The children absolutely adore Regulus. That much becomes clear basically the second they realise he’s a Seeker. In fairness, James might have helped a little with that when he could not shut up about that one game he lost in his fifth year specifically because of Regulus, who had caught an impossible Snitch and ended up making Slytherin win by a mere twenty points. Especially Terence is transfixed by him, practically hanging on Regulus’ sleeve from the beginning, staring up at him in awe and asking question after question about different manoeuvres and his favourite catches and if he liked being in Slytherin and how to get on the house team. It is absolutely adorable, even if Regulus looks mildly overwhelmed by it. It’s clear he has no idea what to do, and yet even Marlene recognises he is doing an excellent job of it when she leans over to James and murmurs, “Didn’t expect Baby Black would be that great a teacher.”

“I know,” James sighs, watching Regulus show one of the girls how to correct her grip on the broom for a Snitch dive. “He’s amazing, isn’t he?”

“Ugh, spare me,” Marlene moans. “I think I preferred it when you pretended you weren’t head over heels in love with him.”

That does make James pause. Grip his broom tighter. Move the smile off his face. Because yes, he is trying to make it look like him and Regulus are dating. He does not want Regulus to doubt this might be anything other than pretence, though. If he finds out James has agreed to this – encouraged it, even... Merlin, he is going to look like such a creep. Taking advantage of Regulus’ trying to help by getting him to be affectionate and loving with him, when under normal circumstances he wouldn’t. Regulus would never forgive him for that. All that hope James has had – still has – of becoming actual, real close friends with Regulus will shatter.

Yeah no, he really needs to get a grip on himself again. He’d been doing fine keeping his feelings to himself for two years. Just because kissing Regulus and having people call him his boyfriend is a thing now doesn’t mean James won’t be able to remember how to do that. He’ll figure it out again. He’s not going to let himself get in the way of having Regulus in his life.

Notes:

why did this chapter take me like two years to edit D: i needed like 3 hours just to read through it :/ i am also supremely tired so i really hope i did an okay job of editing at all oop if there are any grave mistakes i didnt catch pls tell me on tumblr or similar places
i think i should give some credit to the honey safeword to world aint ready as well. its a simple thing that is probably common enough but i cannot pretend world aint ready didnt plant the idea in my brain
also shoutout to twilight for vibes because editing this chapter i had to think of it several times

anyway!! we are at 100k words now yay cool stuff!!

im gonna announce this now because im starting to feel like im lying to yall... this fic has more than 19 chapters. ive had several chapters now where i did not get to my plot and therefore had to add in another chapter. the overall plot of the fic is still the same, my characters just need more time to get to plot points sometimes. i will update the chapter count and the playlist definitely before the next chapter, but theres a good chance itll also happen Again in the future cause i have no idea how to shut up, sorry about that :(

find me on tumblr

Chapter 12: I’m Someone You’ve Never Met

Notes:

here is the (updated) playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from back to friends by sombr

Despite his initial reservation and general lack of confidence in what he is doing Regulus discovers that he is genuinely enjoying getting to tell these children how to be a good Seeker. It surprises him, not least of all because he had expected to stick around for a maximum of fifteen minutes before doing a couple more manoeuvres by himself and then giving James his broom back to leave. Instead he finds himself engrossed in an argument with an eight- or nine-year-old boy, whose parents Regulus is fairly sure he’s met before at one of those fancy dinner parties he used to have to attend. Terence is in equal parts excited about Regulus having been a Slytherin and a Seeker, which Regulus can understand. Being excited about the sport and already having intrinsic house loyalty due to your family and then only getting to be taught by two Gryffindor Chasers would have annoyed him, too. The reverence with which he is being watched, however, does make him twitch uncomfortably at times.

It’s overall a surprisingly pleasant experience. James does keep his promise of making sure Regulus isn’t stuck with children, or worse, any responsibility for them. Even if he does hand both off increasingly more the longer the training goes on, entrusting Regulus with first demonstrating, then explaining a simple dive and catch. By the end of it all Regulus is almost sad that he didn’t get to see his work perfected by his young students, even if he is relieved that it is over.

Terence practically begs him to come back again the following week, a sentiment supported by several of the other children.

James frees him from this, too. “I’m sure if Regulus finds the time he’d love to come by to say hello again,” he laughs, gently prying Terence off of Regulus’ sleeve. “However, he unfortunately doesn’t work here, so this sadly won’t be a regular thing, I’m sorry.”

Terence pouts, but that’s all he can do. He is young enough to find injustice in the statement, but old enough to understand what it means to be employed, and so he eventually says goodbye to Regulus, several times, letting him know that he wants to be just like him when he gets to Hogwarts.

Regulus strongly hopes the boy will be spared from that fate.

“Do you want to fly a couple more laps while Marlene and I clear up the pitch?” James asks, nudging Regulus gently out of his pondering.

“Hm?” Regulus looks up, finding both James and Marlene are watching him. “Oh, you don’t need my help?”

“I mean if you’re offer–”

“Ignore Marlene,” James says with a stern look to her. “You’ve already helped setting up when you didn’t have to and she was late, she’s not pushing her job on you.”

“It’s not my fault the tax office wouldn’t answer their goddamn phone earlier,” Marlene defends herself. “Be happy I made it vaguely on time at all.”

Regulus doesn’t understand the tax system Muggles have set up, but from what he’s heard from Evan and Dorcas neither do most Muggles, so he’s choosing to ignore its existence. As long as he ends up getting a job in the wizarding world, it won’t matter. Although, with the degree he is currently trying to get that’s certainly not a guarantee. Which is so not a current problem though.

“If you really don’t mind,” Regulus mumbles, “I’d love to fly a little more.”

James puts on a soft smile that has Regulus fighting for his life not to blush. It’s unfair how gorgeous he is. Even more unfair how good he is at looking at Regulus as if he means it all. Although, Regulus has to admit, he is fairly sure half of James’ actions and reactions are not even pretend. He genuinely is just that nice. That bloody loving towards all his friends. Eager to show how fond he is of everyone, how much he cares for them. It’s a little confusing, sometimes. And a lot frustrating most of the time. Regulus still fucking wants all the time and this game James and him are playing is starting to fuck with his head. It’s blurring the lines of what Regulus is usually able to clearly separate in his mind and it’s starting to get a little concerning.

It’s not much longer, Regulus reminds himself. Only about three more weeks until James’ last match and then they’ll go back to how they were before. Or something like that, at least, because Regulus doesn’t know if he’ll be able to go back to the before after he’s held James through panic attacks. After he’s pretended to date him. After he’s kissed him. After James has looked at him with his soft eyes and a pretty smile and gave him his broom, just because Regulus missed flying. He doesn’t think he can pretend to be broken up by James and then just go back to their hesitant friendship. Maybe he’ll have to take a step back for a while. Mend his heart before he can talk with James about Quidditch again.

It’s a bit fucked up, really. A month-long relationship, that’s it. Kind of fitting though. Not as if Regulus is made for anything more than that anyway. It makes sense. And still, he knows that he won’t be the only one disappointed. Sirius is probably going to be rather upset about this. Not to mention his own friends.

Regulus gives the broom an urgent twist, making a sharp ascend to escape his thoughts. It’s three more weeks, and as long as him and James don’t talk about how to end this, he won’t have to do it himself. Three more weeks in which he will get to indulge in having James be his, in some way or another.

Regulus happily ignores that that thought is unhealthy and unfair to both him and James. He knows. He just doesn’t really care currently. He’ll deal with the guilt of it some other time, once the ten years of pining have been assuaged enough with what he is being given now.

From below him comes a shout and when Regulus looks down he sees Marlene waving to him, lifting her sports bag as an indicator that she’s leaving. Regulus waves back, not bothering to call anything because she won’t hear it anyway over the distance. He doesn’t even get the chance to wonder whether he should fly down and say goodbye properly, because she is already turning away to leave the stadium.

Still, Regulus knows that this means her and James are done with clearing the pitch, which also means that he should get down there to give James his broom back. He tries not to be disappointed, but it’s difficult when he’s sitting on such a beautiful broom.

Regulus lets out a deep sigh, flies one last loop and then makes his descent with a well-controlled power dive, pulling to a stop only inches above the ground.

“Can’t believe you called me a show off and then pulled this,” James says, looking deeply impressed.

“I wasn’t trying to show off. I was just trying to efficiently use the little time I have with this broom.”

James quietly mutters another show-off under his breath, but before Regulus can defend himself again he continues, “You know you could have continued a little longer. The next group doesn’t show up I think for at least another hour or so.”

Regulus shakes his head. “I don’t want to make you have to wait for me while I’m using your broom. Let’s just go.”

“I really don’t mind,” James insists, but he does seem to pick up on Regulus really not wanting to continue when James has no more reason to stay, because he accepts the broom Regulus is holding out to him.

“I also don’t mind if we do this again,” James says, walking alongside Regulus back towards the stadium doors. “I really enjoyed this.”

“You enjoyed flying on that left twisted broom?” Regulus asks with a raised eyebrow.

James hums. “I mean, not really. But I enjoyed training with you and I enjoyed watching you fly on my broom, so I’m very willing to make some sacrifices.”

Regulus can’t tell James how much this means to him. How this is making his heart stumble over several beats. Instead what he says is, “I think I can be convinced. I’m apparently lacking some proper core strength. Who would have known.”

And just because his heart hasn’t suffered enough yet it decides to skip a couple more beats when James beams at him with bright eyes.

 

—

 

The last time James took Regulus to go flying with him they had both forgotten to take another change of clothes with them amidst all the changing of clothes that had already happened before, while they speed ran several dates in the span of a handful of hours. This time it had been a pre-arranged flying session. In James’ case just part of his usual routine. So their changes of clothes are safely stored away in the office, waiting to be used. After a shower.

Look, James isn’t squeamish about getting naked in front of other people. He can’t be, considering he showers with at least six other people several times a week. There is nothing attractive about getting undressed with your teammates to wash off a long training session. Then again, there is also nothing attractive about smelling like sweat and dust from the pitch, and yet James has been fighting with himself since the second Regulus gave him his broom back. Not kissing Regulus has never been more difficult.

James’ only reprieve is that he has the luxury of working here, and the trainer’s office has private shower stalls instead of the open communal showers in the changing rooms. He pretends he’s not thinking about Regulus naked. Pretends he doesn’t have thoughts about falling to his knees in front of Regulus in one of those damned shower cubicles. He’s perfectly in control of himself as he undresses on one side of the office, pulling his shirt swiftly over his head as he says, “Tip for the showers, if you hold the button down for two seconds instead of just pressing once they go for longer. These showers are not made with people in mind who have to wash off thoroughly.”

When Regulus doesn’t reply, doesn’t even give an indication that he’s heard James at all, James peaks over his shoulder to look at him on the other side of the office.

Regulus is standing there, holding onto the hem of his shirt still very much on his body, and glaring at James’ back.

“Uhm. Did I do something wrong?” James asks carefully, halting in his untying of his shorts.

Regulus’ glare disappears and then he’s looking away from James, busying himself with something in his bag. “No,” he mutters. “Stop watching me.”

“I’m not watching,” James says immediately while he keeps doing just that.

“I can feel you watching me,” Regulus huffs. There is a moment of pause as his shoulders tense, then he says, quieter than before, “It looks like I forgot my towel. I think I might just have to shower at home.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” James says quickly, immediately stalking across the room towards one of the cupboards. “We always have some spare ones here that you can borrow. Marlene forgets hers all the time. Here–” and he holds a white fluffy towel out towards Regulus.

Regulus stares at it for a moment too long. James would love to know what he’s thinking but his expression is giving absolutely nothing away.

“Thanks,” Regulus finally says, taking the towel from James’ hand. His voice is clipped and it only now occurs to James that maybe Regulus doesn’t want to shower here. Maybe he was trying to find an excuse not to.

But before James gets the chance to tell him he doesn’t have to stay here to shower, Regulus pulls his shirt over his head and drops it on the bench and James’ loses all ability to form words. Or thoughts, for that matter.

“Stop watching me,” Regulus says again, his back to James.

“Stop being so hot then,” James replies, because he is stupid and apparently has no filter when confronted with a shirtless Regulus Black. He is mildly mortified at himself and would quite like to turn around and just get on with it, but unfortunately he has to commit now. No point in taking back what he said when he so clearly means it. When it’s objectively true.

“James,” Regulus warns, his back still tense although the skin spanning across it now a shade redder. James is absolutely fascinated seeing just how low that lovely blush travels.

“I bet twelve-year-old you wouldn’t have complained about this,” James mutters, but does eventually turn around to continue undressing.

There is a heavy pause, then, “What?”

“You know. Since you used to have a crush on me and all. I bet there was a time when you would’ve liked my eyes on you.”

Regulus says nothing to that. Which is a shame, because James would like to know more about that crush on him. “Why did you like me back then?” he asks as casually as he can. “And why did you stop?”

“Can you just shut up and get in the shower already?” Regulus snaps.

James sighs. “Whatever you want, babe.”

“And stop calling me pet names all the time. I agreed to the occasional one for the sake of making it look like we’re dating. Not to you calling me that in private all the fucking time.”

James grits his teeth. Why is he even still trying? A couple nice hours with Regulus where they’re having fun and Regulus is being lovely to him apparently mean nothing overall. Wordlessly he places his shorts and boxers along with his glasses down on the bench and wraps his towel around his waist. Without giving another look in Regulus’ direction, he makes his way to the shower.

For how long Regulus took before even taking off his shirt, he is now extremely efficient apparently. James has barely managed to get his hair wet before he can hear the second shower already running. He had planned on making this a quick shower, getting dressed before Regulus gets the chance to finish and then wait for him outside the office. Clearly he wants his privacy here, which James does not want to begrudge him.

Regulus, however, seems to have had similar plans.

James is currently rubbing his hair dry with his towel when he can hear the door to the other shower cubicle swing open and shut again. He groans (inwardly. He does not want Regulus hear him make such noises while in the shower) and hangs his towel up again and gets back under the stream of water. He has no idea how long to give Regulus to get dressed in quiet, but he certainly doesn’t want to spend that time just awkwardly standing in the shower without water running.

When he’s finished washing his hair a second time he deems it enough. If Regulus is still there, that’s kind of on him, really.

 

—

 

Regulus is trying to figure out where to put the towel he absolutely did not need to borrow when James steps back into the office.

He can only hope James’ eyesight is as bad as everyone’s always made it out to be, because if anyone, least of all James, sees the way he reacts he will have to jump off a cliff.

Neither sweaty post-workout James, nor shirtless James Regulus got to witness twice now could ever prepare him for James right out of the shower. His hair is still wet, droplets of water falling from his curls and rolling down his abs. The towel around his waist is slung way too fucking low, showing off his hipbones and the fine trail of hair disappearing beneath the fabric.

He’s squinting. Stops right in the doorway. Waits a moment, then says, “I thought you’d’ve already left.”

Regulus has no idea what to say to that, not least of all because his brain is currently short circuiting.

The way he absolutely needs this man.

The way he absolutely won’t ever get to have this man.

What has he ever done to deserve this. James Potter has no right being this absolutely gorgeous, being kind and lovely and right fucking there basically naked when Regulus can’t have him.

“Reg?” James asks uncertainly and it occurs to Regulus now that he, too, hasn’t moved since James came back. Not that anyone could blame him for this, really. But regardless of how blind James is, he certainly can detect movement, and being completely frozen in place doesn’t really sell the ‘cool and unbothered’ act Regulus would like to give off.

“Do you always take that long to shower?” he diverts the subject away from anything to do with him.

James stares at him (or in his general direction) for a good five seconds, before he replies dryly, “Only when I know you’re completely naked six feet away from me.”

Regulus would quite like to strangle him.

Regulus would quite like to fuck him.

“Well, I’m not naked anymore,” Regulus mumbles. It’s not what he wants to say but what the fuck does he want to say anyway. He’s glad for the fact that James still hasn’t moved to put on his glasses. Like this at least he can’t see the way that Regulus is blushing right now. And still very much checking James out. Merlin, those calves. Is anything not perfect about him?

James snorts. “Why do you think I left the shower?”

“Stop this,” Regulus says. If James hints any more at how he got off in the shower because Regulus was in the same bathroom Regulus will officially lose it. “Where am I supposed to put the towel?” he asks to stop James from insisting on flirting with him more.

James finally moves again, finding his way back to his corner. “Just put it on the bench. I’ll put it away.” And then he puts his hands on his towel, starting to loosen it, and Regulus absolutely panics.

“I’ll be waiting outside,” he presses out, his voice a little higher than comfortable to his own ears. Quickly he replaces his bag with the towel and flees from the room before he does something stupid. Like look at a completely nude James.

 

Regulus is still reeling from all of ... whatever the fuck happened, is certainly still thinking about James’ abs and a too low hanging towel, when he gets rudely interrupted in his panicking by a door to his left suddenly opening.

“Hey, you’re Regulus, right?”

Regulus looks up to find Gideon leaning out of his office (an actual office, not a glorified changing room with a desk and a filing cabinet shoved in a corner and a naked James in the middle of it).

Regulus nods, steeling himself for being told he’s finally being banned from the stadium. He knows he’s not supposed to be here. That James is doing him a favour, and Gideon is doing James a favour, and so far it worked out alright.

“We’ve had someone ask about you,” Gideon says. “Apparently you’ve made quite an impression on some very impressionable kids today.”

“James said it would be fine,” Regulus says, quickly pushing the blame away from himself. “I didn’t really do anything much, mostly just answered questions.”

Gideon laughs. It’s a very loud laugh, pressing against the knot of anxiety slowly forming in Regulus’ chest. “Oh, this wasn’t a complaint. The mother of one of the kids asked if you’d be willing to leave your contact information with me. I think she’d like you to teach her son some more.”

“But I’m not qualified,” Regulus says dumbstruck.

Gideon grins. “Well, if you give me your contact information I can pass it on and you can tell her that yourself.”

Regulus wants to say no. He absolutely wants to say no. But then he remembers that letter from his landlord. The fight he had with Sirius. The entire reason he’s here at the moment, the entire reason James took him to go flying again because they’re pretending to date. He remembers his note on the notice board at uni, still unanswered and he thinks well, fuck it, honestly. It’s worth a try. He can still decline later on, but if there is a chance he is qualified enough for this – and he is getting paid for it – then he might as well give it a go.

“What information do you need from me?”

 

—

 

That moment at Elqueue swims around in James’ head for the rest of the week. He can’t get the image of Regulus shirtless out of his mind. He feels rather guilty about it, for some reason. Like it’s something he shouldn’t have seen, and certainly nothing he should linger on. Especially not when he does get off in the shower, at home, alone where no one besides his own conscience can judge him for it.

He’d quite like to blame his performance on the following Friday on this. On Regulus in his mind distracting him over and over again. But he knows, when he sits in front of the sixteen pages of exam paper, that Regulus has nothing to do with this. He’s staring at the questions in front of him, reading them over and over again and not taking in a single word. He can’t even say he doesn’t know how to solve the tasks. He can’t say he should have studied more. Because he doesn’t even get that far. He’s never felt this little concentrated on anything, ever. He knows he’s easily distracted, but this? This is really on a different level because he needs to concentrate, he needs to pass this fucking exam, and yet it just. It doesn’t work.

James underlines all the words that seem relevant in the first task. Why the fuck are there so many radii? He flips through his formulary, trying to find any formulas that seem appropriate for the information he’s given in the task. Starts writing down something. Gives up halfway through a calculation and flips to the next task in the hopes he will understand this one more.

He really doesn’t.

In school James used to be done early with all his exams, even including double checking all his answers, and then still have time to daydream about Lily. He’d been bored but not unhappily so. Grinning across the room to wherever Sirius was sitting, certain that both of them would pass somewhere at the very top of their year.

Now he glances at the clock in the lecture hall. He still has nearly twenty minutes and honestly, he might as well hand his exam in now. Done early, double checked everything, but all that with the knowledge that he’s most likely not going to pass this at all.

He adds another senseless calculation to one of the problems, hoping that maybe the professor will find something to give him points on in it. He doubts it, but it’s less embarrassing than handing in a completely blank sheet.

He’s glad when the invigilator calls the end of the exam and collects the sheets of paper. His stomach is twisting with unease and he’s feeling vaguely sick, but at least he can stop trying to focus. The only good thing is that he doesn’t know anyone who sat the exam in the same room as him, so he gets spared from having to discuss the answers with someone who actually understood anything at all.

James can’t even do his usual after-exam-routine he’s fallen into in uni of hiding away in one of the local museums and watching people look at art for the rest of the day. He can’t, because he has a game on Sunday and training for it in two hours.

Which also doesn’t go great.

“James, I need you to concentrate, please,” Nora practically begs him. “I know you can play better than this and I need you to show that. What’s going on with you today?”

“Sorry, I got this,” James reassures her, picking up the Quaffle he let fall through his fingers.

Nora sighs. “If you’re getting sick or something, you need to tell me so we can ask Lucinda to play after all.”

James shakes his head vehemently. He has to play the Sunday match. It’s the second of the three matches he has to play for the Catapult scouts. He’s already fucked up in the first one, if he completely misses the second he won’t have any chance at all. “I’m playing on Sunday. I got this,” he repeats. “I just stayed up too late last night studying, I had an exam today, is all.” It’s definitely not all, but it’s the best excuse he can give.

Nora nods curtly, the stress abotu the impending game also lining her shoulders. “Take a five-minute break, go drink something, then I want you to go over that again with Pip, alright?”

James nods and wordlessly passes the Quaffle off to Morrings before flying down to retrieve his water bottle.

He barely manages to unscrew to cap, his fingers shaking so badly. This is going awfully. Why is it going so badly? Why does it keep getting worse?

Every time he messes up his hands start getting sweaty, causing him to lose the grip on the Quaffle and messing up even more. He can’t think through any move today, can’t concentrate on fucking anything. Every time he tries his brain is just going to the worst possible outcome and he’s losing track of things.

He needs to get a fucking grip.

He chugs down half the water bottle. Squeezes his eyes shut. Tries to go rationally over things.

He knows how to play Quidditch. He’s done this nearly his entire life. He’s just having a bad day because his exam didn’t go well. Why that didn’t go well doesn’t matter right now, so he has to stop thinking about that. He just needs to play Quidditch, before Nora kicks him off the team for Sunday.

When he gets back on his broom it takes him a second to actually lift off. Not because he needs the moment. No, his broom is straight up refusing to fly. Something that’s not happened to him, ever. Something he’s laughed at back in school at the other students for, because back then he could still be an arrogant twit about it.

He doesn’t feel like laughing one bit now.

 

The training takes forever. Nora isn’t happy with him, he can tell. She scowls more than she usually does. Repeats instructions to him too often, until finally she stops completely. He knows he’s fucking up.

He wants to stay after the training, to practice by himself, because the match is in two fucking days and he has no idea what he’s doing. He doesn’t get the chance though, because Nora practically throws him off the pitch. “Please get some sleep, James. Just. Go home and eat something proper and get some sleep and if you still feel off tomorrow, I’m begging you, get yourself a Pepper Up Potion somewhere. If you play like this on Sunday I will have to switch Lucinda in for you. You understand that, right? I know it’s an important game for you, but I also have to consider the best for the whole team.”

James understands.

He gives a terse nod, some mumbled promises he doesn’t think make much sense, and leaves.

James knows he shouldn’t be alone right now. All he wants to do is go home and curl up in his room and switch off his phone and never talk to anyone ever again, until all his friends hate him.

Which is why he knows he should not be alone right now.

The thought of seeing anyone right now is unbearable, but he has a game he needs to win in less than forty hours, so he can’t start self-sabotaging now.

It takes everything in him to fish his phone out of his pocket, but he does it anyway. He can’t give himself a different choice right now.

James
any evening plans?

His phone stays silent untypically long. He’s nearly reached home by the time it finally lights up with a message.

Sirius Pads
Sry was making out with remus
Hes in the bathroom rn
Evening plans are getting laid <3
Also  my ngiht plans :D
Why?
You good?

James
sounds fun!!
just wanted to check in
enjoy your night ;)

Sirius Pads
Will do you too!!!
Love you
Very much
<333

James
lvoe you too<3233

Well, so much for that then.

Maybe it’ll be a night of self-sabotaging after all. Doesn’t much matter, if he’s gonna fuck up his Sunday match anyway. Might as well start with it now.

 

—

 

Regulus is having a quiet evening, working on the script he has to edit for his professor, when his brother texts him.

 

Sirius
Have you checked on James?

Regulus frowns at the message. Debates if he should just ignore it. Doesn’t even get the chance to do so before another message comes in.

 

Sirius
You should check on James

Regulus
Shouldn’t you be doing that? You’re his best friend.

Sirius
You’re his boyfriend??
Besides im with my own boyfriend rn
Rather undressed
So unless something is serously wrong id be happy if yo ucould check?

Regulus
Why?

Sirius
<Picture Attached>
He avoided answering the question
He only ever avoids answering when the answer is ‘no’
So
Pls check on your boyfriend and lemme know if its an emergency

Regulus stares at the screenshot Sirius sent of his and James’ chat for a moment.

Regulus wouldn’t have noticed. If this had been him texting James, he wouldn’t have noticed that James skipped over the question altogether.

He reads the message again. Looks at the open Word document on his laptop. Looks back down at his phone. Sighs.

Regulus
Will do.

When he had told everyone that James was his boyfriend, he hadn’t expected that it would come with Sirius ... trusting him with his best friend’s wellbeing. It topples something inside Regulus. It feels important. Monumental. Because Sirius loves James, more than just about anything else. 

Sirius loves James, and he trusts Regulus to care for him. To be good for him. To love him as much as Sirius loves him. 

And Regulus does. He wants to. Wants to be good for James. Wants to show Sirius that he can be good for him, that his trust in his little brother isn’t misplaced.

He switches into James’ chat. The last message he sent blinking up at him with innocence, Regulus’ heart wrapped up in a single letter. 

He considers how he should go about this. If James doesn’t want to talk about how he’s feeling asking him about it won’t help, Regulus has learned that much by now. 

Regulus
My brother expects that I check up on you. He will get rather suspicious if I don’t. I could do with a break from work, so can I come over for dinner? 

It takes a while before he gets a reply, which is new. James always texts him back immediately. 

James Potter
i dojt have eniugg food at hone

Regulus
I’m in the mood for pizza, if you wanted to order instead. 

He isn’t really. He’s not even hungry. But Regulus has no qualms about lying, especially not when it gets him what he wants. 

James Potter
oaky

James, for once, is not having a panic attack when Regulus gets to his place. He doesn’t look much better though. 

“When was the last time you slept?” Regulus finds himself asking in shock. Which, fuck James for making him become this. He’s always hated when people asked him the same question. He used to get it way too much, still does sometimes even now, because Regulus’ relationship with sleep is generally not a good one. He understands it now, though. Why people would ask. Because James looks like shit and Regulus feels the need to put him straight to bed and make him get some actual sleep. 

James frowns. “Last night.” He crosses his arms in defence while backing off towards the living room.

“Enough?” Regulus asks, the judgment in his voice undeniable.

“Just a little less than usually.”

Regulus follows behind James but keeps more distance than he normally would. “What kept you up?”

“I had to study for my exam.”

“When is it?” Regulus asks.

“Had it this morning,” James says clipped. It doesn’t sound like James at all. Those short sentence. The lack of openings for a conversation. Regulus isn’t sure what to make of it. He isn’t even sure if he should follow James into the living room. He’s feeling terribly rejected at the moment. He’s fairly sure James’ reaction has nothing to do with him, is only because he’s not doing great at the moment, but still it tugs at Regulus’ insides, tears him open and leaves him cold and dejected.

“Did you... Was it not okay?” Regulus asks tentatively.

James bristles, his entire body going rigid as his shoulders tense. He doesn’t draw in on himself, as Regulus would. He grows taller like this, harder, a shield for himself made out of himself.

Regulus regrets having come here. He doesn’t like this, doesn’t like being pushed away by James, doesn’t like feeling like everything he’s doing is wrong.

“Can we not do this?” James presses out.

“Not... what?”

“I don’t have the energy for you to comment on how stupid I am today. I fucking know, okay? I don’t need you to tell me as well.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Regulus says quietly.

James only huffs, the disbelief clear in the way he’s not even bothering to look at Regulus.

Regulus halts in the doorway. Even when James sits down on the sofa, he doesn’t move away from his spot, doesn’t step foot into the room. “Do you want me to leave again?” Regulus asks tentatively.

James doesn’t say anything.

“Look, I can tell you don’t want me here. So I can just ... I can tell Sirius I checked on you and just leave again, if that’s better.”

Regulus is so close to giving up on an answer, to simply turn around and leave, silently cursing James out for making him come here and then proceeding to make his ribcage painfully shrink in on itself, when James finally moves. The smallest shake of his head. Just a little flinch to the side, that Regulus might even read as accidental, if James didn’t follow it up with a quiet, “Please stay.”

Regulus still feels uneasy. Only now that it’s gone does he realise just how all-encompassingly welcoming James usually is. How warm and inviting while making it feel like it’s the most natural thing in the world. “Are you sure?” Regulus asks, because he needs to be sure, because if he stays when James doesn’t want him to, he will hate himself.

James nods. Takes a deep breath. Sits up straighter and finally turns to Regulus. “Sorry, I’m not having the best day. But it’s fine, I’m fine, and I do really want company now.”

The ease that had only slowly started crawling into Regulus halts abruptly. Draws back a bit. Because this is James ... well, not lying, but twisting the truth. This is James pretending. And Regulus can’t tell if James wanting him for company is part of this pretence or not. It makes Regulus somewhat defensive in return, because if he can’t read the situation he has to prepare for it to hurt. “If you want me to believe that you need to learn how to lie better,” he says, voice tight.

That makes James blink, taken aback. “I’m not lying,” he says.

“You’re not telling the truth,” Regulus counters.

James looks hurt at that, for some reason. “I am having a shit day.”

Regulus raises his eyebrow. “That’s not what you said before.”

“Yes it is.”

“You said you’re not having the best day, which is a very different thing.”

James opens his mouth to argue more, then immediately shuts it again. “Yeah, well, I don’t like drawing attention to it,” he grumbles. “If I can pretend things are fine they’ll eventually feel fine.”

Regulus snorts. “Yeah, that’s worked out great for you in the past...”

“You’re being mean.”

“I’m being myself. You’re the one who asked me to stay.”

James doesn’t reply. Doesn’t even say I’m starting to regret that, as Sirius would have. He just looks up at Regulus petulantly and a little sad.

Regulus still doesn’t move from his spot in the doorway. Until he’s completely convinced his presence here is wanted, he won’t. “Tell me about your day,” Regulus says. Doesn’t ask, because asking only ever makes James avoid answering.

James looks at him for another handful of seconds, then nods to the sofa next to him. “Can we order food first?”

“Is this your way of hoping for the doorbell to save you from having an uncomfortable conversation?”

James gives him a lopsided grin. It looks still a little off, a little too put on, but it’s there, and that is a start. “It’s my way of ensuring you’re not going to abandon me in the middle of an uncomfortable conversation. Gotta give you something to look forward to.”

“Fine,” Regulus says. As if I would ever leave you like that, he thinks. It’s an incredibly sad thought James is having there. Even if it’s half a flirting attempt to overplay his feelings or whatever he uses them for. Even then it’s sad, because why would James even think that anyone wouldn’t want to listen to him talk about his life, even the shit parts? Regulus is starting to think that the regular panic attacks aren’t the only problem James has.

Once they’ve ordered – James, of course, having insisted to pay. Regulus is still not used to it – Regulus turns his attention expectantly to James. Who is starting to look rather miserable at the realisation that he does, in fact, now have to talk about what’s been bothering him.

Regulus doesn’t prod. He just sits there and waits until finally James starts speaking.

“I don’t think I’m going to pass this exam,” he admits quietly. “And I don’t know how to deal with that knowledge. I’ve never failed anything before. I used to be good at school. And now this... was just awful, and I don’t even know how I’m supposed to pass any of my other exams because somehow I’ve apparently forgotten how to concentrate on anything, ever. And it’s making me feel like such a disappointment, because everyone expects me to be smart and good at things and I’m just not and I don’t know how to not disappoint people with who I am. And I have my match on Sunday and I’ve never played worse in my life– no, no don’t make that face, I’m being serious here, Nora told me she will have to switch me out for Lucinda if I can’t get my shit together. I know I’m playing badly at the moment, and I just can’t stop thinking about it and I’m starting to believe the only reason I’ve ever been good at what I’m doing is because I’ve had the confidence that I simply couldn’t fail and now that’s gone, and all I’m doing is failing and disappointing people.”

“Have you considered that maybe you’re not important enough for people to care if you’re going to fail or not?” Regulus asks once James has come to an end.

“I– what?”

“You’re so focussed on living up to expectations you think people have of you that you’re putting pressure on yourself until you can’t do anything anymore. Who has those expectations of you, James?”

“Uh, I...”

“Believe it or not, most people are busy enough with their own lives to care about how well you perform at yours. Stop believing you’re the most important person out there.”

James frowns now, a crease between his eyebrows, drawing a line between offence and confusion. “Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

Regulus shrugs. “You’re not disappointing people, the only one with those outlandish expectations for you is yourself. Give yourself a break, Potter, stop pressuring yourself into fulfilling expectations no one has for you.”

“You’re so hot when you call me by my last name, don’t stop,” James says putting on that stupid smirk of his that Regulus really needs him to stop doing.

“Stop deflecting,” he huffs. “You know I’m right.”

James deflates again, the smirk dropped in seconds, leaning back into the sofa cushions. “I don’t like it.”

“Do you want people to have expectations for you?”

“No. I mean... No?” James runs his hand through his hair, letting out a frustrated sigh. “If I don’t do things for other people then what even is the point?”

“What point?”

“Mine!” James snaps. “If I’m not the best at everything then what even am I.”

“Okay, James, I think you need to take a step back for a second.”

“I’m not even standing,” James huffs sarcastically, but thankfully does lower his hands still tangled in his hair.

“You’re being stupid.”

And then James turns his face away from Regulus, staring out the window, all tense and rigid again. “I know,” comes a mumbled reply and Regulus feels like he’s fucked this up. James was supposed to feel better. So far Regulus has been good at making James feel better in these situations. This doesn’t look like better, though, it just looks like a miserable James Potter. Because James told him he can’t deal with Regulus calling him stupid today. And Regulus did it anyway.

He doesn’t know what to say after that and so he says nothing for a while, just watches James, unmoving and silent.

In the end it’s him who is grateful for the doorbell saving him from an uncomfortable conversation.

“I’m getting that,” Regulus hurries to say and quickly gets up to open the door.

When he comes back with the two pizza boxes, James is waiting for him in the doorway, looking as if nothing was ever wrong. “Wanna eat in the kitchen or in the living room?” he asks with a small smile and Regulus really has to evaluate his opinion that James Potter is terrible at hiding his emotions. Either that, or James has really just gotten over himself by unmovingly staring out of his window for several minutes.

Regulus looks between the two rooms. It’s not his flat, he shouldn’t be making those decisions. In the end he still nods towards the living room. Back at home with his parents pizza wasn’t a thing, so whenever he did eat it, with Barty or Evan, they ended up sitting huddled together on someone’s sofa. It’s a rule that has somewhat solidified itself in his mind by now. Not eating pizza on a sofa feels wrong to him, because he’s never had anything else.

James nods and steps aside to let Regulus in, while he gets something to drink for them from the kitchen.

They eat in silence.

Despite how much James is pretending everything is normal again he’s so clearly not fine. Regulus can’t remember a time he’s ever been around James and hasn’t gotten his ear talked off. He’s just glad they have something to do to make it not feel awkward.

Regulus finishes his pizza before James. He’s not sure if that’s because he’s been eating too fast, trying to find reasons not to have to say anything to James, or because James has been picking on his last piece for far too long. “You not hungry anymore?” he asks eventually, more as a rhetoric question than anything, because James is clearly not eating anymore.

James shakes his head. “No, I am.”

“Does it taste that bad?” Regulus asks, because someone has to say something. Regulus used to be good with silence. But he also used to only spend time around James when he was loud and conversational, and this change is unsettling him and everything he’s used to.

James picks up the last pizza piece. “This is so stupid,” he huffs, and drops it again in frustration. “I don’t want to finish it.”

“No one’s forcing you to.”

“You care too much about manners to leave before I’ve finished eating. If I finish this you don’t have a reason to stay any longer,” James admits quietly. “I don’t want you to leave yet.”

Regulus’ heart skips a beat, his stomach giving a flip hard enough it pushes a breath out from his lips.

James wants him to stay.

James is actively searching for reasons for Regulus to stay for longer.

“I texted Sirius earlier because I had hoped I could spend the evening with him, but he’s with Moony, and I’m not interrupting that. But he’s the only one I could imagine being around right now, but I know being alone isn’t a good idea at the moment. And you’re already here and know about my shit so it’s ... bearable...”

And isn’t it just impressive how James still manages to break Regulus’ heart over and over again. He’s nothing more than a convenience. Still nothing more than the second choice, second to his brother, and Regulus really thought at this point in his life he’d be used to that.

Turns out he’s not.

“And I know I’m not being fun right now. I quite honestly suck as company, I know that, but I’m being so fucking selfish and I just… I don’t want you to leave.”

Regulus closes his eyes for a second. Swallows down the lump in his throat, uses it to fill the cracks in his broken heart. “Finish your pizza, James,” he says. “I can stay a little while longer.”

 

Regulus has somehow ended up with James’ laptop in front of him. James pushed it towards him, gave him the password (literally just told him. Because that’s normal people behaviour) and instructed him to find a movie he wants to watch while James clears up their pizza boxes and gets more pillows and blankets to make it comfortable on the sofa.

So that’s happening now, apparently. And Regulus is totally normal about it. It’s not like he’s having a movie night with James, and only James. Evan is going to tease him mercilessly about it, Regulus thinks. Until he remembers that Evan believes that they’re in a relationship, and that in his eyes this is probably a perfectly normal thing to do for them.

Next to him James is making himself comfortable, two pillows in his lap, another one hugged to his chest. Regulus thinks it might be his replacement for Sirius, the two of them more often than not cuddled up against each other during movie nights with the Chaos Crew, even when Remus is right there and should be Sirius’ first choice for cuddles, in Regulus’ opinion. Not that he cares or anything.

“Pride and Prejudice?” Regulus suggests. He knows James is big on romantic films. Regulus doesn’t necessarily want to watch yet another romcom, he’s been coerced too many times already. But Jane Austen he likes, he can settle for that.

James nods. “Sounds good. Last time I watched it I was still dating Lily. It’s one of her favourites.”

It’s too late to suggest a different movie now without sounding absolutely pathetic and exactly as jealous as Regulus is, but he is so close to doing it anyway. Someone’s got to give James an award for always managing to remind Regulus of which reality he lives in just when he’s starting to feel any kind of romantic subtext between them.

“Great,” he says flatly, and presses play.

 

They’re about halfway through the film when James shifts, tipping to the side, his head falling against Regulus’ shoulder. Regulus startles so badly at the sudden touch that James just keeps sliding further down, until his head is resting on Regulus’ lap. It’s only then that Regulus realises that James is asleep.

Regulus freezes up completely, staring down at the sleeping James nestled against him. What the fuck is he supposed to do with this. Yes, he would have wanted for James to go to sleep early with how out of it he had looked all throughout the evening. But he hadn’t wanted him to go  to sleep literally on top of Regulus.

Now more than any time he wishes he had told someone of their ridiculous plan because he needs to text someone to not freak out about this. What is he supposed to do with a sleeping James on top of him?

Regulus wants to lean forward to turn the volume down, not wanting James to wake up, but he can’t move out of fear of, well, waking James up. Regulus doesn’t think he’s breathing, really, too intent on not jostling James again.

James still looks exhausted, even now that he’s sleeping. But the frown that’s been lining his forehead all evening has smoothed out, a peaceful expression now on his face. His glasses are crooked on his nose, half pushed up on the side where his face is pressed against Regulus’ leg. It can’t be comfortable, so Regulus reaches down and carefully, slowly, pries them off his face and places them on the coffee table in front of him.

Regulus knows he’s staring at James. At his dark lashes and the light freckles across his cheekbones and the messy curls sticking up all around his head. He can’t help it. He never gets to do it so openly, never from so close. It’s mesmerising.

Tentatively Regulus lifts his hand and brushes a curl falling across James’ forehead back, fingers ghosting over James’ skin.

James hums in his sleep and makes himself more comfortable on the sofa and, inevitably, on Regulus’ lap.

Regulus’ heart can’t decide if it should beat faster or stop beating altogether.

He knows he’s pathetically in love with James. He’s known this for a good decade by now. Right now, however, it violently hits him just how deep that love is rooted in his heart.

Twelve-year-old Regulus would have started hyperventilating had this happened to him.

Regulus now isn’t faring much better. Sure, he isn’t hyperventilating, but it’s difficult to breathe when looking at James. And he can’t look anywhere but at James, Pride and Prejudice rather forgotten. Now that he’s started carding James’ hair back it’s hard to stop. He’s gentle about it, tentative touches, carefully curling strands around his fingers and watching them slide out between them. James barely stirs, only turns his head to press his face deeper into Regulus’ leg, giving him wider access to play with his hair. Regulus doesn’t deny it.

He’s seriously considering if he should just accidentally fall asleep here as well when his phone lying next to him on the armrest lights up, pulling him out of his fantasies. It’s a text from Sirius. Regulus unfortunately feels inclined to read it. With one hand he reaches for the phone, the other one still resting atop James’ head.

Sirius
Hows James? Did you check on him?
Hes not answered my last texts im getting worried

Regulus
He’s fine. Fell asleep watching Pride and Prejudice. I think he was just really exhausted from his exam and training.

Sirius
Awww you were havin a movie date?
Cute

Regulus’ heart skips a beat. Fuck, they were having a movie date. It wasn’t supposed to be anything, they didn’t even mention their arrangement beyond Sirius sending Regulus to check on James as his boyfriend. This was all them. No pretence, no ulterior motives. Just them.

Not that it was a date date, though. Because they’re not dating. They were just hanging out as friends or something like that. Just James needing comfort and Regulus being grateful he could provide some of it. A movie night, not much different than what he has with Barty and Evan regularly.

Sirius
You sure hes okay tho?

The follow up text makes Regulus sigh. This time, he also takes his second hand off James. It shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

Regulus
He’s asleep.

Sirius
You know thats not what i meant

Regulus
You seriously need to check in on your best friend more often.
Just because he also has me now doesn’t mean he doesn’t still need you.

Regulus can imagine Sirius sitting at home with the demeanour of a kicked puppy now. The implication that he’s not looking after James enough when he’s having a difficult time will hurt him, no doubt, but Regulus genuinely thinks Sirius needs to hear it. Regardless of whether or not James would rather Sirius never finds out about any bad mood James might have whatsoever. If Sirius just paid a little more attention James wouldn’t have to go through all his steps of hiding it in the first place.

And then Regulus remembers the last fight he had with Sirius. The way he had been cruel and terrible, not dissimilar to how he had been when they were still living together. Too on edge to think clearly, spread too thin with the only coping left being biting first before he could get bitten. He remembers that James judged Sirius’ general state of being as bad enough to see it necessary to put himself through a fake relationship with Regulus. And Regulus knows he has to smooth out the conversation before Sirius gets any worse ideas.

Regulus
But yes, he’s okay right now, I’m sure.

Sirius
Thank you.
For taking care of him.
And for letting me know

Regulus
It’s alright.

Sirius
Still tho
Thanks
I love you

Regulus
Don’t worry about it.

Regulus hesitates. He always does. And every time it eventually ends the same way.

Regulus
Love you too

Sirius
:)
I know
Nighty night sleep well

Regulus sets his phone aside and looks back down at the still sleeping James in his lap. The exhaustion has started wearing off and now he just looks peaceful. Beautiful.

Regulus knows he has to leave. He can’t give any reasonable excuse for staying any longer than he’s already done. He doesn’t like it, but he’d like James finding out how pathetic he truly is even less. And so he carefully lifts James’ head off his lap, supporting him with his hand until he’s found a pillow to replace his legs with.

James frowns in his sleep, a grumbled string of something Regulus is sure is supposed to be words but can’t make out. Regulus is at least as disappointed as him when he leaves James alone on the sofa.

In the kitchen Regulus finds a stack of post it notes and a ballpoint pen and writes a short message for James, just so he knows Regulus has actually left. He sticks the note onto the laptop, after closing the movie and shutting it down.

With a last longing look to James he leaves his flat.

Notes:

okay, this took a while. i'm gonna be perfectly honest, with everything that's happened i still feel a little weird posting my things publicly. so here is the important note. jkr is a terrible human being who is doing everything in her power to harm trans people, especially trans women, while presenting it as her merely "helping women". she uses her money to support transphobic groups, and whenever you give her money (by buying official merch, streaming the movies, going to the studio tours or to see cursed child, watching the reboot) you also fund these hate groups. do not give her money. engage with her ip as little as possible.
clearly i am still here and i'm still writing my fics and eventually i will get back to also posting my art, so i'm not going to tell anyone to leave the fandom completely, but (especially as a trans person myself) there is still guilt and i'm still working through it.

that being said, here are a few little notes i took on this chapter:
i care so much about sirius knowing james so so well to pick up on the smallest inconsistencies (even if hes gotten a lot worse at it recently due to his own shit keeping him busy)
and also. reg being able to help james so much, having been there for him for weeks, but still not being perfect at it and messing up because he still has a lot to learn about james. he doesnt have 10+ years of being james' soulmate that sirius has and it shows!! he gets to still learn that!!!
the parallel of how james acted with reg falling asleep on his sofa vs reg with james falling asleep on him is very <333 to me
also funfact on the side i did in fact look at one of my old exams for this chapter. i hated it.

i hope you all are alright, i'm sending lots of love <333
find me on tumblr

Chapter 13: I’ll Take a Quiet Life

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from No Surprises by Radiohead

On Saturday James wakes up with a kink in his neck and a far clearer mind than he has had in a while. He finds himself on the sofa, and Regulus, regrettably, absent. James is rather disappointed he apparently fell asleep before Regulus left, not even getting to thank him for bearing with him last night. That is, at least, until he spots the post it note stuck to his laptop.

I didn’t want to wake you, you looked like you needed it. Get some proper rest before Sunday.
R.A.B.

James grins at the note. It’s nothing special at all, but it does get him through the rest of the day with a smile on his face.

He does rest. A tiny bit. In between his first and second workout session. He also has a mirror call with Sirius at one point (“I thought you got your phone back? You texted me all week?” “I did, but this just feels like old times and I miss it.”), which only helps to widen his smile.

Honestly, overall he’s doing a lot better than he had thought it possible the previous day. Apparently all he needed was some proper whining, nearly eleven hours of sleep, and one small sip of Pepper Up Potion. Who would have guessed.

He still doesn’t fly his best and he still thinks about the general concept of failing too often to be comfortable, but Regulus’ words from the previous night keep re-emerging in his brain. If he does fail he will mainly just disappoint himself. It’s an odd comfort, but it’s a comfort nonetheless.

He makes himself proper dinner and he goes to bed early – in his own, comfortable bed this time – and when he wakes up on Sunday he is as ready for the match as he thinks he will be able to be.

Nearly all his friends are having exam season, so he knows that barely any of them are going to come to watch the game. Sirius will be there, because (in theory) Sirius works and has normal weekends, and James bought him tickets, ignoring all his complaints because this is mainly for James’ own benefit. And Regulus and Barty are coming together, because they both love Quidditch and barely have any exams. Or at least James assumes as much. Regulus mostly has papers, he knows that, but Barty might just genuinely not give a fuck about passing anything and skip all studying altogether.

James is so fucking nervous. He’s never been this nervous before a match. Ever. Not even his first match as a captain at Hogwarts had him this on edge, and that one had been a lot.

It isn’t helped at all when, before warming up, Nora pulls him aside.

“How are you doing, James?”

“Good,” James says warily. He is. Overall it’s all good. He feels like he could throw up from nerves, but he’s not going to have a breakdown. He thinks.

“You’ll be alright?” Nora asks anyway, her eyebrows furrowed.

James nods. He needs her to believe him.

Nora gives him another long look. James hopes the dark circles under his eyes have faded enough for her to deem him fit for this game. In the end she gives a short nod and says, “Alright. Just know, Lucinda will be on the bench and is ready to take over for you if things go wrong.”

No fucking pressure there, then. “I’ll be fine,” he promises her. “I really just had a shit day on Friday, but I’ve gotten some proper sleep since and am not planning on fucking up again.”

“It’s just a friendly match, remember that.”

Maybe for her it is. For James this is his ticket to a future her really, desperately wants.

“So no reason to have to switch Lucinda in for me, right?” James says dryly.

Nora gives him an unimpressed look. “I still need to look out for both the best for my team and also the wellbeing of my players. If I think you’re going to harm yourself out there, I will pull you from the pitch, do you understand me?”

“Yes, Captain,” James says. He probably sounds a hint too sarcastic about it. He gets her decision, he’d have to make the same if he was the captain, he is just incredibly unhappy about it.

All throughout the warmup he can’t stop thinking about it. He watches Lucinda warm up with them, watches her fly so much more relaxed and sure of herself than James does at the moment. It makes a knot form in his stomach because this should be him. He wants to play for the Catapults, for Merlin’s sake. He wants to get signed with a fucking Upper League team, and here he is catching Quaffles against his chest like a first year and passing them to his teammates with shaky hands. It’s frankly embarrassing and more than a little nerve wrecking.

Afterwards, he locks himself in the bathroom. He doesn’t have long before they have to go out on the pitch, but he needs the moment, phone clutched between his hands, staring down at it uncertainly.

In the end he swallows his pride, his throat dry, and dials the number.

It barely rings twice before Regulus picks up. “James?” he asks, worry lining his voice. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” James releases a shuddering breath that has nothing to do with his anxiety about the upcoming match.

“Why did you call?”

James stays silent for a breath. “I don’t know,” he admits. He’s only ever reached out to Regulus while having a panic attack. He’s panicking, alright, but it’s only the normal level of panic. He just wanted to hear Regulus’ voice. He associates it with calming down. With being safe. With doing things right.

“Okay,” Regulus says softly. “That’s okay.”

“Tell him good luck from me and also I love him,” James hears Sirius call from somewhere next to the phone. It makes him smile a little.

“I love him too,” James says, before Regulus gets the chance to relay the message.

Regulus gives a little huff on the other side of the line. “You’ll be fine,” he says. “It’s just a match.”

It’s not dissimilar to what Nora had said to him earlier. Yet, coming from Regulus, it makes something loosen inside James’ chest. “It’s just a match,” he repeats quietly.

“You’ve done those before, you know how to play.”

“Yeah.” James knows how to play. He’s played Quidditch since he was five years old. He’s been Quidditch Captain for his own team since he was fifteen. He’s played professional games since he was eighteen. He knows how to play. “Thank you.”

“I’ll see you after the match,” Regulus says and James knows it’s his time to end the call.

“See you,” James echoes. And then, before he can say something stupid like I love you, he ends the call.

It’s just a match.

He’ll be okay.

 

He is okay.

He’s played better before, he knows that. It’s by far not his best performance. But he doesn’t drop the Quaffle and he makes all the passes he intends to make and when Pip plays the manoeuvres they had practised James doesn’t fumble those either.

He doesn’t do any impressive moves. Doesn’t attempt to outplay his opponents and when his choice is between scoring a difficult goal or passing the Quaffle off to his teammates he goes for the safer option, even when usually he would have made those ten points easily. He plays safe, but he does that well enough, and when by the end of it Nora catches the Snitch and they win by 170 points, James doesn’t feel like he’s completely fumbled his chance of making it onto the Catapults’ team. Sure, he might not be the star player he’s always hoped he would be, but he thinks he might at least be considered for the closer selection of players.

Like last time, Nora invites everyone over for a post-game drink at a local pub. Unlike last time James isn’t on the verge of a panic attack, so when prompted by Morrings directly, he promises he will ask his friends if they’re up for it.

Said friends are waiting for him outside the stadium right next to the players’ entrance. The moment Sirius sees him he jumps into James’ arms, barely leaving James time to react to catch him.

“You were amazing!” Sirius croons, kissing James on the forehead, arms wrapped around his neck. “The girls in front of us wouldn’t shut up about you.”

“Reggie looked close to murdering them,” Barty grins. When James looks at his fake boyfriend with raised eyebrows Regulus is giving Barty a murderous look.

“They were fucking annoying,” Regulus defends himself. “There is literally no reason why you need to squeal that high pitched during a Quidditch match. I could barely hear the announcer.”

“Uh huh,” Sirius says, “obviously that was the reason. It had nothing to do with you being jealous or anything.”

“Aww, you’re jealous over me?” James coos, fluttering his eyelashes at Regulus.

“No,” Regulus gives the short reply.

Barty reaches over but before he gets to ruffle Regulus’ hair his hand is being batted away forcefully. It doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest, as he continues, “Same way you’re obviously not jealous right now with your brother and James acting more like boyfriends than you and James are.”

“Sorry Reggie, I’m not sharing him,” Sirius says with a teasing smirk.

James regards his best friend with a fond look before setting him back down onto his own two feet. Sirius looks at him aghast. “Traitor!” he laments. “Abandoned for my own brother!”

“I’m not playing favourites here,” James chuckles, before leaning over and giving Sirius a kiss on the cheek to repay him for the previous forehead kiss.

“Not gonna lie mate,” Barty says, “this looks very much like playing favourites.”

James freezes. Barty might have a point there. James is still treating Sirius as his best friend and Regulus as ... whatever Regulus has been to him for the past several years. Someone in his friend group he’s not too close with but is crushing on terribly. He can’t do that anymore. He’s allegedly dating Regulus now. He should have probably greeted his boyfriend after an overall successful match with a kiss. Not by carrying around his brother in his arms for several minutes.

If he does anything now, though, it will look like he only did it because Barty called him out on the lack of affection between them. Which, to be fair, would be exactly what’s going on. But it’s not what James wants anyone to pick up on, for obvious reasons.

“Unlike my brother, I see no reason to flaunt my relationship with James in front of everyone,” Regulus comes to James’ rescue. James gives him a grateful look.

Barty, on the other hand, raises his eyebrows at his best friend in disbelief. “Sure,” he says, “because that makes perfect sense.”

James frowns. It does make perfect sense. “Should I be offended that I’m missing out on something? When has Regulus ever been publicly affectionate with any of his other partners?”

“Never,” Barty supplies. “But none of those had ever been James Potter, now, have they?”

 “That’s enough, Barty,” Regulus says sharply.

James is so very curious what that’s about. Because clearly there’s something deeper going on here that he’s missing. It sounds a lot like Barty is insinuating that Regulus has mentioned wanting to show off James as his boyfriend to people before. Which would make sense if it was about Regulus’ crush on James, only that was nearly ten years ago.

James looks back and forth between Barty and Regulus, trying to pick up on any more hints to this information. Sirius, next to him, is doing the same, though clearly less curious and a lot more smug about it. “I think what Barty’s trying to say is that Reg’s–”

“Are we going to leave soon?” Regulus snaps, interrupting his brother. “Or are we just going to stand around here all day discussing my relationship.”

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Barty grins.

James also wouldn’t mind, because he really wants to know what he’s not getting here. But he’s supposed to be a loving boyfriend who knows his partner, and so he comes (somewhat begrudgingly, in this case) to Regulus’ aide. “My team are going out for a pint and something to eat. Do you want to join them?”

Regulus gives him an absolutely exasperated look at that. Why, James has no idea, considering he only tried to help him move along the conversation.

“I’m up for it,” Sirius says, and Barty nods enthusiastically.

“Reg?” James asks tentatively.

“I have a paper to finish writing,” Regulus says curtly.

“Fuck that,” Barty decides. “You’re coming with us. Your boyfriend just won a Quidditch game, you can’t ditch him for the celebrations.”

“It’s fine,” James hurries to say. “I don’t mind if he doesn’t come.”

“Yes, you do,” Sirius decides. “Reg, you’re coming.”

The exasperated look quickly turns into a withering one. James is a little impressed by how well both Sirius and Barty manage to ignore it.

 

When they’re filing into the pub Regulus pulls James back a little, tugging on his sleeve until he’s leaning close enough for him to understand him over the noise of people talking and cutlery clinking against plates. “What the fuck were you thinking, James?” he hisses.

“What do you mean?” James asks completely clueless. He only handed out an invite. Nothing more.

“You do realise we’re now going to have to make it look like we’re dating in front of all your teammates as well, right?”

James ... had not realised that, no. Regulus seems to pick up on that now as well, when he rolls his eyes so hard at James that he is seriously scared it might give Regulus a headache. “We don’t have to tell anyone.”

Regulus snorts. “That would work if you hadn’t invited Sirius and Barty along. Sirius loves talking about you, and Barty loves making life difficult for me. So. How prepared are you to play this up?”

James shrugs. “Whatever you’re comfortable with. And there’s always still our safe word if we need an out, right?”

“Right,” Regulus echoes. “And I’ll leave soon, so it’s not like we have to do this all day.”

James tries really hard not to look too disappointed at that. It’s fine, Regulus doesn’t owe him his presence here. Literally everything he’s doing is just a favour for James, so he really can’t begrudge him not wanting to stick around for long.

“So, boyfriend, huh?” Soph, one of the Basilisks’ Beaters greets them when they get to the tables where most of James’ team and several of their respective friends are collected. Regulus gives James an I fucking told you so look, which James can only return with wide eyes. He hadn’t expected news to travel this quickly.

Sirius, standing right besides Soph, wildly points between himself and her. “She’s going through the same thing!” he says, trying to overplay his excitement by sounding extra affronted. “We’re bonding over our best friends dating our siblings!”

“How the heck did you find that out within two minutes of seeing each other again,” James asks perplexed. He should have known that Sirius would immediately beeline towards Soph. She’s only a year younger than them, and in Hogwarts her and Sirius had a short but rather sweet fling. Mutually beneficial in trying to make other people jealous. As far as James is aware the two of them are not really in contact anymore, but whenever Sirius tags along with James after a match, him and Soph end up reminiscing about old times.

“I asked if that’s his brother,” Soph says with a nod towards Regulus. “Sirius said he’s your boyfriend too, on top of that.”

James looks at Regulus by his side. He looks so incredibly uncomfortable. James thinks it is only partially due to the situation and the way he’s being talked about as if he’s not part of the conversation. James is only now truly realising that he doesn’t remember a time Regulus joined one of his invitations for after game hangouts. The reason might genuinely just be the amount of people he doesn’t know, and the fact that everyone is acting as if they’ve already been best friends forever. All this can’t be made better by the fact he now also has to pretend to be James’ boyfriend in front of them. James feels rather guilty for not insisting Regulus go home and work on his paper instead.

He decides to at least take the lead in this conversations. “Regulus, Soph,” he makes the introduction, “Soph, my boyfriend.”

“Nice to meet you,” Regulus says a little stiffly. He’s not unfriendly about it, only very formal.

“Likewise,” Soph says unbothered by his tone, extending her hand out towards Regulus, which he doesn’t take. She doesn’t seem to care much, only wraps her outstretched arm around Sirius’ shoulder instead, squeezing him playfully. “As an older sister myself whose little brother ended up dating my best friend, I do have to say it’s not very nice of you to do that. We are suffering.”

“In fairness,” James says, “I was the one who started this.”

Regulus huffs incredulously.

“What,” Sirius says. “Is this how I find out that my little brother was the one pursuing my best friend?”

“No?” says James confused. “I asked him out.”

Regulus doesn’t agree with him. He doesn’t really disagree either, not verbally at least, but the eye roll he gives at James’ words might as well have been big red flashing letters spelling out WRONG!

James is going to have to figure out what that’s about, when they can talk openly. They agreed on a story and everything. It’s always been James who did the first steps according to that. Besides, it’s the only thing that makes sense anyway, considering James has real, actual feelings for Regulus. Feelings which half the world seem to know about already, so playing off of them has always been the only sensible way to go about their plan.

When they’re squeezing onto the bench around the table the Basilisks have grabbed for themselves, Sirius and Soph are still in conversation, complaining about their respective siblings, lamenting about how their best friends have abandoned them. James doesn’t take it personally. It’s very obvious that Sirius is mainly playing it up for the bit, because it’s fun to have something to bond over with his ex-girlfriend.

“Where is Barty?” Regulus asks from where he is pressed against James’ side, the table too full to leave either of them any kind of space for themselves.

James looks around the people on the table, teammates and others he has never seen before. Barty is nowhere to be found.

“Maybe just went to the loo?” James suggests. “I doubt he’d leave without telling you.”

Regulus nods jerkily. It’s clear from his demeanour that he had hoped to have at least one familiar face amidst the crowd. One other person who also doesn’t know anyone else.

“He’ll be back soon, I’m sure,” James says gently.

Regulus doesn’t reply, only keeps scanning the room in search of his best friend. James watches him from the corner of his eye, trying to not seem too much like he’s staring. It’s just that James really likes looking at Regulus. The sharp line of his jaw, the soft freckles on his nose. The way his hair swoops gently across his forehead, tucked behind his ear, curling slightly at the nape of his neck. He’s absolutely breathtaking and James does not want to ever look anywhere else.

Unfortunately he is forced to do that anyway when Regulus visibly relaxes and a moment later a glass of ... something is sat down in front of him. “Here you go, my sweetest Regulus.”

James looks up at Barty, holding a second glass of the same sparkling liquid (lemonade? Maybe?) in his hands, taking a sip while pulling up a chair to sit at the corner of the table next to Regulus. James tries to banish the frown off his face, but Barty often makes it rather difficult for him. “Shouldn’t I be the one buying Regulus something to drink?”

“Well, you didn’t,” Barty says unbothered. “Someone had to step in.”

James knows he has no reason to be jealous of this, of all things. Not only is he not actually Regulus’ boyfriend, what Barty did wasn’t even anything even remotely flirtatious. He’s literally just being a good friend. James has acted far more couple-y with Sirius earlier, so he really has no leg to stand on when it comes to justifying his jealousy here. And yet.

James wraps his arm around Regulus waist, trying to make the movement look casual as he pulls him snug against himself. “What are you having, then?” he asks, leaning in closely.

Regulus gives him a puzzled look, then pushes his glass towards James. “Try it and find out,” he challenges.

James ignores Barty’s snickering and with his free hand lifts the glass to his mouth, foregoing the straw. It is, in fact, lemonade. Far too sweet, in James’ opinion, so he puts it down again after a sip. “Is that what you usually have?”

Regulus shrugs, the movement making him slide even more into James’ side. “When Barty’s banning me from caffeine,” he says.

James is not going to admit out loud that he appreciates that move from Barty. There is no way drinking as much caffeine as Regulus does can be good for him. Or anyone, for that matter.

Somehow, Barty seems to still pick up on James’ thoughts, because when James next looks at him, he’s met with a very smug look. James ignores it.

It’s not long after that James finds himself in a conversation with the person sitting opposite him, someone James has never seen before who introduced themself as Luca and explains they are a friend of Morrings’. The conversation is very lighthearted, James every now and then sipping on his own drink that he acquired eventually, until Luca asks, “Wait, James Potter?”

“Uhm, yes?” James says confused, because he’s introduced himself severale minutes ago already. He’d thought they’d moved past this part of the conversation by now.

“Are you friends with a girl called Marlene McKinnon by any chance?”

James freezes. He can feel Regulus next to him do the same, despite being in conversation with Barty at the moment.

“I am,” James says tentatively.

“That’s so cool!” Luca says and James is terrified about what’s to follow when he sees their eyes flicker towards Regulus and grow a little wider, before settling back on James. But then, to his absolute surprise, they say, “I didn’t know you play Quidditch! Does Marlene also play?”

James nods relieved. “Not on any teams, though.”

“That’s so cool that you’re on the same team as Mor! Hey Mor, did you know that one of Marlene’s friends is on your team?” Luca is genuinely excited about the prospect of their best friend being on the same team as a friend of Marlene’s. It’s a kind of weird concept to James. He is also just a guy. Marlene is just a guy. Sure, she’s cool, but there’s nothing cool about her, she’s also just a total loser who is bad at time management and drools in her sleep. The way people keep treating her like she is somehow different is so odd to James, considering that’s just his friend he’s known since he was a toddler.

Morrings, pulled into the conversation by her friend, laughs lightly. “I did not know, I would have told you otherwise. But also, don’t forget that James is fully going to abandon us for the Catapults very soon.”

James frowns. “There’s nothing certain about that. I might very well keep being your reserve player.”

“Ah, come on James, as if they’re not going to sign you,” Morrings says. “I’m honestly a little jealous. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to give the Basilisks up for anything, but the Catapults? That’s so cool. Their new captain is amazing, playing with him will be incredible.”

James’ heart is going to beat out of his fucking chest. Morrings’ certainty about this is making him so anxious. Sure, they’ve won the match today and James wasn’t bad but he wasn’t good. He certainly wasn’t excellent, which is the least he should be as a player on his favourite team. “I really don’t know...” James starts but Morrings waves him off. “Don’t talk yourself down like that. Pip’s been saying he’s going to miss you the second you joined our team, he also knows you’re going to leave us. Everyone knows. Right, Pip?”

James’ fingers are starting to shake a little around his glass. He quickly puts his drink down and hides his hands under the table, trying to still the tremor. Everyone thinks that. If he doesn’t make it, if they don’t sign him, they’re all going to be so disappointed in him. They all have this grand image of who James Potter is, and James has no idea how to live up to that ideal. He doesn’t know how to be what they all expect of him.

He can’t hear Pip’s reply over the rushing in his ears, but he’s nodding his head enthusiastically and James feels a little sick.

Suddenly there’s a hand on his, prying his fingers off his lower arm where he’d been digging his fingernails into his skin. Regulus’ fingers interlock with his, and then he’s holding James’ hand, squeezing it gently, all the while still turned away from him talking to Barty.

The lump in James’ throat melts away slowly. He focusses on the way Regulus’ hand feels in his, the way his rings press against his skin, cool and hard, something solid to keep him grounded. It helps, and when he looks at Pip he even manages to hear the ending of his sentence. “–still gonna visit us from time to time, right?”

His grip on Regulus’ hand is definitely too tight, must be painful, but Regulus doesn’t complain. Doesn’t pull back. All he does is give James another gentle squeeze. “You’re not going to get rid of me,” James says, putting as much charm into his words as he can manage. “If I get signed I’ll still come by to play with you. But, again, that’s not a certain thing, so I think we should wait that out until it happens.”

“Did you see that there’s already a lot of speculations about who’s going to fill the new position as Chaser?” Morrings asks. “I’ve seen it in the Quidditch Times, obviously, but even Witch Weekly has made guesses recently.”

“Witch Weekly?” Pip snorts. “Who are they debating?”

“Lots of ridiculous options, of course. If it was up to them you’d only be considered for the position if you are hot.”

“I mean, James should be their first choice then,” Luca says easily.

Next to him Regulus stills and James is getting the impression he’s not quite as invested in the conversation with Barty as he lets on.

“Unfortunately good looks aren’t all that count,” James says with a dramatic little sigh. Sirius would be proud of him for that one. Sadly, his best friend is stuck several seats away from him and very much not paying attention to this conversation.

“A shame, truly, you’d do so well,” Luca agrees. “But anyway, isn’t Witch Weekly incredibly out there with Quidditch speculations anyway? Didn’t they recently write that one of the Wimbourne Wasps players got like, nearly assassinated or something?”

“Okay, but that one is actually not wrong,” Pip pipes up. “I mean, it wasn’t an assassination, but Kayden Jones did get several death threats in his fan post and also got sent a … Devil’s Snare? I think that was the one. You know, that plant that’s supposed to strangulate you until you suffocate. Of course that one got discovered before it got to him, but still, wild…”

It’s Barty who now finally chimes in, the conversation with Regulus clearly having slowed drastically. “Why? I read about it last week in the Quidditch Times too, but the article really didn’t give any reasonable motives. What did that guy actually do to get murdered?”

“Not murdered yet,” Pip corrects.

“There aren’t any reasonable motives. He switched teams,” James explains. “He played for the Appleby Arrows, of all teams, before. And was their star player.”

“I remember that,” Barty nods.

Pip continues the explanation. “We all know that the Arrows’ fans have always been a bit unhinged, and their hatred for the Wasps is tradition at this point, so they really didn’t take it lightly that he switched to them. See it as the biggest betrayal out there, and I guess some of them took it a bit too much to heart and now want revenge.”

“I mean, dedicated fanbase, I guess,” Barty says sounding slightly impressed. “Pretty intense to turn from loving to wanting him dead for the sake of team loyalty, though.”

“You could say that,” James hums.

“Honestly, sometimes I question my decision to go into professional Quidditch,” Morrings says. “The things that happen in this sport are bonkers. I’m so glad I play for a Lower League team, because I could not deal with all the shit the Upper League players have to deal with.”

“But it’s the Upper League,” James argues. “The matches are just so much better.”

“I don’t know if it’s worth it, honestly.” Morrings shakes her head. “I mean, just take yourself. You’re his boyfriend, right?” She indicates to Regulus with a small twitch of her head.

James gives a tiny nod. Under the table, Regulus’ squeezes James’ hand a little harder.

“The press is going to have a fucking field day with this once you get signed with the Catapults. As Luca said, you’re hot, so is your boyfriend, you really think they won’t be all over you once you’re also famous?”

The pressure on James’ hand disappears. He mourns it, and a second later he mourns the rest of it as well when Regulus lets go of his hand completely, pulling back, leaving James with nothing to hold onto.

“You remember Callum Sprout?” Morrings continues, as if her words haven’t made James’ grip on the world loosen just now. “His marriage failed ‘cause his wife couldn’t deal with all the hate mail she got from jealous fans who thought they’d have a chance with him if he was single. How do you even prepare yourself for that?”

James thinks it’s a little unfair of her to spring that on him like that. He’s not thought about it before, not like this, but doing it in the middle of a crowded pub is not how he should start, he thinks. “I don’t... I mean, no one knows me, I doubt they’d care that much.”

“No one knows you yet,” Morrings points out.

“I mean, plenty of people already know you,” Luca mumbles. “And your boyfriend.”

“Can you keep my relationship and Marlene apart?” James asks a little desperately, because these are things that have gotten far too mixed already.

Luca nods, thankfully. Morrings, however, isn’t quite done yet. “But they’re right. And you really should start considering that as well, James. If you end up signing with the Catapults it’s not just your Quidditch skills you’re giving over to the public. It’ll also be large parts of your private life you’ll have to share.” She gives a light nod towards Regulus, underlining what exactly she is referring to here with James’ private life.

It’s the first time in half an hour that Regulus is joining one of James’ conversations. His voice is smooth and unbothered, but when the words fall out of his mouth James’ still freezes. “Whatever happens, I’m sure it’ll be fine, honey.”

“I mean, it will be, but you should still–”

“It’s alright Morrings. I think we should focus more on the positive aspects of Quidditch today considering we literally just won a match.”

Pip, luckily, picks up on James’ desperation for a topic change and immediately draws Morrings into a recap of their best passes earlier. As soon as James can do so without drawing attention to himself, he leans towards Regulus. “Do you want to leave?”

Regulus gives a short nod.

James mirrors it. He had expected it, not least of all because Regulus literally drew the conversation to a halt with their safe word, a literal last resort to get out of it as quickly as possible. “Thank you for joining me here at all,” James says, and then a little louder to Barty, “Are you going with Regulus?”

“He’s leaving?” Barty asks with raised eyebrows.

“I wanted to get at least another thousand words done today,” Regulus says casually, although James knows it’s a pretext. He can still hear the honey ringing in his ear.

“Nahh, then I’ll stay a little while longer here. This is a more exciting round than watching Regulus backspace the same word fifteen times.”

Regulus doesn’t seem to mind. Still, he doesn’t move to get up, only glances at James uncertainly.

James picks up on his worries. He leans closer, so that only Regulus can hear him and puts a pleasant smile on his face for anyone who might be watching when he says, “Cheek kiss okay?”

It’s barely a move, just a twitch of his head when Regulus nods.

James leans in and brushes his lips across Regulus’ cheekbone, a barely there touch before he pulls away again. “Good luck with your paper, sweetheart. Let me know when you got home?”

There’s a faint blush on Regulus’ cheeks, right where James left his kiss. “Will do,” Regulus promises.

 

—

 

They need to talk about how to end their fake relationship, and they need to do it soon.

Letting Barty and Sirius push him into joining James’ little after party was a mistake. He knew it would be a mistake from the second James suggested it, and still he joined. And it was a fucking mistake.

His heart is beating uncontrollably all the way home, and when he pulls his phone out to text James that he got there safely his fingers are shaking. He’s already typed out the message when it occurs to him that James might not actually be interested in knowing if Regulus made it home or not, only said it for the huge group of people around listening. Then he thinks about how it would look if Barty asked James if Regulus had texted yet and James wouldn’t know, so in the end he sends the message anyway.

He was worried about having to pretend in front of James’ team. Their entire pretence has gotten far too out of hand already, and sharing it with any more people never seemed like a good idea. It was made all the worse when that one friend of one of the players had clearly recognised them from Marlene’s videos. Regulus hadn’t missed the gaze they had thrown him and James, the eager look to pick up on any more information on something they already knew far too much about. The memory alone makes him incredibly uneasy. He had thought he’d be done with being under watchful eyes after having left his parents’ house. Even more so; back at Grimmauld Place he at least knew when he was being watched. What people knew of him and what they expected of him and when he should expect for someone to address him about anything.

He doesn’t know any of that now. Has no idea what information Marlene’s fans have unearthed about him in their stalking, or why they care so much. He can’t even judge when he will encounter any of them, when people are looking at him to learn more about him. It makes his skin crawl and his breath come out a little too short.

He’s only glad the Ministry of Magic is keeping tabs on the internet, erasing any traces of magical information. Because surely that must mean that all the information that could possibly be found about him can’t be older than the previous two years. Anything before that his life was too interwoven with magic and his parents’ pureblood ideals, too far removed from anyone who might have posted a photo with him on social media.

He has no idea why Marlene would choose this willingly. Doesn’t understand how James can stand it. How he hadn’t even spent a single thought on the fact that him asking Regulus to come along to a hangout with his team would mean he’d have to share their relationship with them, too. Or rather, pretend he has a relationship in front of them.

Only Regulus realises now that James’ team should be the least of their worries. Too many people already know about this relationship, and with or without the internet – if James being signed by the Catapults will be anything similar to other young new players joining a top team, this could become a real problem if they don’t figure out how to end their fake relationship soon.

Regulus doesn’t want to be responsible for James getting caught in some media drama at the very start of his dream job. He does not want any of this to push James into hating him. He doesn’t think he could bear having James in his life while he hates him, and he’d really rather not abandon his entire friend group to get his distance. So he has to figure out a believable breakup story, and he has to do it soon.

Notes:

honestly i don't really have much to say about this chapter. it is the shortest one of this fic (so far) but i care about it quite a lot. just some quidditch vibes and random lore and handholding under the table that no one can see <333

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Chapter 14: Chasing Starlight

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Starlight by Muse

Regulus doesn’t come up with a breakup story. He doesn’t even come close to thinking about it. Because he thinks – expects that this will be what they will talk about when him and James next meet up. It’s the obvious progression of their relationship. Their real one. The one where they’ve set up planned out milestones to present to the outside world. So when James texts him to ask if he is free for dinner some time the coming week, Regulus gives a date begrudgingly. It doesn’t matter how much he knows they have to do this. He very much doesn’t want to do it. So he will wait until they sit together in James’ flat and plan their breakup story together, and until then, he spares himself from having to do it on his own.

Sure, what he has with James might be fake, but he still has it regardless. He gets to see James soft and lovely and vulnerable and broken, and he gets to hold him and pretend, for just a moment in between, that it is real.

It’s also why, in the end, he once again puts far too much effort into dressing nicely for seeing James. If James likes him, or rather is attracted to him, which Regulus by now is so sure is at least somewhat the case, then he wants to make it at least a little bit difficult for James to end this thing. If he can get James to look at him with those dark, wide eyes again then maybe he will feel at least a shred of the pain that Regulus is going to feel once they agree to pretend they can just go back to what they had before. 

When the door is opened for him Regulus knows he was right in the assumption that James is attracted to him. Because James’ mouth stays hanging open halfway through a greeting and then he’s staring at Regulus, eyes going a little unfocussed as he’s taking in Regulus’ exposed waist. He did play rather unfairly with this one, he has to admit, but he’s not above playing dirty for getting what he wants. 

He lets James stare for a while, because he likes the weight of his gaze on his skin. Eventually he tilts his head and asks, “Are you going to invite me in at any point?” 

The way James flushes and blinks away is almost just as good as his staring. 

“You really should have worn something different,” James mumbles as he leads him into his flat. 

Regulus can’t help but be a little offended at that. “Why?” 

“It’s a little unpractical.” 

“Why are you judging my outfit choice?” Regulus asks, getting properly offended now. 

James pulls the door to his bedroom open and Regulus stops dead in his tracks. What the fuck is going on? 

“It’s fine,” James says, oblivious to Regulus’ confusion. Regulus watches him as he opens his wardrobe, sifting through his clothes before he re-emerges with one of his old Quidditch jumpers back from his days as Gryffindor Captain, as apparent by the huge yellow Potter written in all capitals below the 4 on the back. Before Regulus gets to inquire what any of this is about James chucks the jumper towards him and says, “You can put this on.” 

Perplexed Regulus catches the piece of clothing. “What kind of claiming kink fantasies are you trying to fulfil right now?” 

James flushes but otherwise doesn’t react, only closes his wardrobe and makes his way back to Regulus, who steps aside to let James pass as he walks towards the kitchen. “Cropped shirts are cute and all, but I don’t want you to burn your stomach.” 

“Burn my…” Regulus hurries after James, still holding onto that damned Quidditch jumper. “What am I missing here, James?” When he comes into the kitchen he gapes. “What is this?” 

Honestly, he should have caught on when he stepped into the flat and it didn’t already smell like some mouthwatering dish waiting for him. James following the lines of his body with his eyes had kind of distracted him from this critical point though. 

James turns to look at him, and now it is him who is looking rather confused. “We’re making dinner. I asked if you wanted to come over to cook dinner.” 

Regulus can see that now, judging by the cutting boards and knives already lying out. “I thought you asked me over for eating dinner,” Regulus says. “I didn’t realise you’re planning on making it taste absolutely vile.” 

James rolls his eyes. “It’s not going to taste vile, I know how to cook, thank you very much.” He nods towards the jumper clutched in Regulus’ hands. “Put it on. You’ve agreed to this–”

“I really haven’t, I didn’t even know about this.” 

“–You agreed to this, you’re here now, we both want to eat eventually, and I’m teaching you how to cook.” 

Regulus is genuinely considering just leaving again. He thought he’s going to have an unpleasant time because they’re going to talk about their breakup, instead he’s going to have a dreadful time because he’ll have to embarrass himself in front of James. Fucking excellent. But also, he is holding James’ old Quidditch clothes and is explicitly asked to wear them and Regulus might hate the idea of wearing his old rival team’s colours, but being surrounded by James’ smell while literally having his name written on his back is doing very, very dangerous things to him. So in the end he obliges. “You really should have communicated this better,” he grumbles.

When his head reemerges from the jumper he is met with James watching him intently. Regulus scowls at him. “If this is your attempt at making me look like I like Gryffindor, know that it is not working.”  

The left corner of James’ mouth pulls up into a crooked smile. “I think it’s working,” he says and steps closer. “Red suits you.”

James lifts his hand, but stops when Regulus gives him a wary look. He is standing so close. Everything smells like James, the jumper, despite being from their school days is still a little too big on Regulus, and James is right there with his hand hovering in the air next to Regulus’ head.

“May I?” James asks softly.

Regulus isn’t entirely sure what the question is for, but he isn’t in any state of mind where he could deny James anything, and so he gives a small nod.

James lifts his second hand as well, and carefully, as if trying not to startle Regulus away, brushes his fingers through his hair, smoothing out where the jumper had left his curls in disarray.

James is beautiful. That’s all Regulus can think about as he looks up at him, watching him work, his gaze attentively focussed on Regulus’ hair. He is absolutely beautiful and Regulus wants to kiss him so badly. He can feel the heart hammering in his chest and he is convinced if James looked down only a little bit he would be able to see Regulus’ pulse hammering hard above his throat.

It is only a moment before James steps back again, a softly spoken, “There you go,” on his lips. Only the shortest moment, but to Regulus it feels like aeons stretching out in front of him, wrapping him up and tangling around him as they lure him tighter into James’ pull. The only telltale sign barely a handful of seconds pass is that when James steps back Regulus is still alive enough to finally let out the breath he’d been holding the entire time.

It’s not fair how affected he’s being from this small moment. They’ve done so much more than this. They’ve held hands. They’ve kissed. James has left bruises on Regulus’ neck that wouldn’t fade for several days. And yet it is James gently tucking Regulus’ hair back behind his ear that has him forget how to breathe. It is not fair, even less so for how unaffected James is by the entire matter. He steps back, turns away from Regulus as if nothing has happened, and says, “You said you liked the dal I made a while ago, so we’re making that. It’s fairly easy, you really can’t do much wrong here.”

Regulus collects himself. Recalls his eternal days growing up under the watchful eyes of Walburga Black and every single one of the tips Sirius has given him over the years. He takes the lingering shadow of James’ touch and spins it in, until it is covered completely by distance and faded memories, until only he knows it’s ever been there. He takes a breath, swallows the skip of his heart, and says, his voice as level as ever, “You’re underestimating just how bad I am at cooking.”

“You’re underestimating how good I am at teaching,” James counters. 

And that’s how Regulus finds himself a couple minutes later equipped with a knife while James stands next to him, watching him critically. “I feel incredibly judged,” Regulus informs him. “I do actually know how to cut onions, you don’t have to watch me do that.” 

“Are you sure?” James asks. “You could do this so much more efficiently.” 

“Either you let me do the things I can do without judgement or I’m leaving,” Regulus snaps. “I don’t care if you have a so much better method of doing this. Don’t micromanage me or I’ll show you how else I can use a knife.” 

James presses his lips together tightly and nods. 

They cut their respective things in silence until Regulus asks, “Why don’t you do this with magic?” 

“What, cooking?” 

Regulus nods. 

“Why don’t you use magic to cut your potions ingredients and stir in your cauldron?” 

“It messes up the properties of the potion,” Regulus supplies immediately. 

“There you go, then.” James shrugs. “It’s less about the effects of the food and more about the fact that it just has a layer of wrong to it. I only consider it for super elaborate meals where I have to keep my eyes on everything all at once, but you know, if I already put so much effort into food I also want it to taste nice, so I mostly abstain from magic there as well.” A short pause, then, “Plus I’m shit at household magic, never can get it quite right, so why even bother.” 

Regulus snorts. “Yeah, I bet the fact that you can’t do it is only an afterthought, and not the main reason at all.” 

“It isn’t!” James insists. “Imagine I ever wanted to impress a Muggle girl and then I’m standing there, not knowing how to cook her dinner because I can’t do magic in front of her. Where would I be then?” 

Regulus gives his ginger root another hard chop despite it already being minced fine enough. “Yeah, where would you be then,” he echoes bitterly. 

 

Despite all of Regulus’ complaints about being given misleading information about his reasons to come over he has to quietly admit that he is actually having something like fun while cooking with James. He doesn’t think he will be able to replicate this on his own. At least, he doesn’t think so, until the dal is simmering in the pot and James hands him a piece of paper with handwritten step-by-step instructions of everything they’ve done so far. 

“I know we didn’t make the naan together, but I still wrote down how you can prepare it. It’s really simple, it just has to rest for longer than we have time tonight so I thought it made more sense I prepared the dough without you.” 

Regulus stares at the list helplessly. He is rather overwhelmed by the gesture. It feels too… much. Too much going out of his way, too much thought put into it, too much caring about getting it right. He gingerly folds the paper. “I’ll just… put this away,” he mumbles, nodding towards the corridor where he left his backpack earlier. 

James nods absentmindedly, flipping a naan in the pan. “Oh, also, before I forget, what book did you want me to read?” 

Regulus stops in the doorway to the kitchen, turning back to James. “What book?” 

“We had a deal,” James says, looking up. “You said I should read your favourite book. I don’t know which one’s your favourite, though.” 

“Oh.” Regulus feels a little dizzy. “I’ll lend you my copy next time I see you,” he says and then quickly flees the kitchen.

Once James’ recipe is carefully stored away between the pages of his notebook, Regulus takes a moment to collect himself and to just … breathe. And immediately gets hit with the scent of James, warm and all encompassing. He’d forgotten about the Gryffindor jumper he’s wearing. He thinks about his own Quidditch jumper, rotting away somewhere in Grimmauld Place. When he had left there was only so much he managed to transport, even with the help of his friends, and only so much he knew where to put, since Sirius’ flat he stayed at for the first few weeks didn’t exactly have the space for a whole other household. For a short, ridiculous moment, he wonders, if he had taken the jumper with him, would James have worn that as well? Then he remembers James probably wouldn’t even have gotten his arms through the sleeves and he is spared from thinking about him in green and silver with a name on the back that Regulus doesn’t want James to have to associate with. 

When Regulus comes back into the kitchen, James is stirring the dal and looking at him expectantly, urging him to take over for him. Regulus obliges. The lentils no longer look inedible and the steam curling up from the pot smells so good Regulus’ stomach immediately starts growling. 

“Can I take a photo of you?” James asks. 

Regulus nods absent mindedly. They’ve not taken any pretend date photos in a while, it was bound to happen. When he hears a click, however, followed by a telling whirring sound, he looks up surprised. 

James is holding his polaroid camera, pulling the still white photo out of the printing slot to watch it turn colourful. Regulus hadn’t expected it. Somehow it feels more intimate, because this is now something James owns, not just a snapshot growing to be forgotten on his phone. It is a physical reminder of … well, of Regulus, standing in James’ kitchen, wearing James’ clothes. 

He sets the spoon aside, closing the lid of the pot and holds out his hand. When James makes a move to hand him the photo, Regulus shakes his head. 

“The camera?” James asks confused. 

Regulus nods. “If you take one, I also get to do that. After all, this is supposed to be a mutual relationship, right?” 

“...Right.” When James hands him the camera, his smile is a little bit too bright. Regulus doesn’t ask him about it. 

 

It takes until Regulus gets home that he realises he never took James’ jumper off. In fact, it takes for Barty to come home a while later and stop dead in his tracks when he spots Regulus. “Is Potter’s dick that good that you’re switching house loyalties now?” he asks and Regulus needs a moment to compute the sentence, to look down at himself and realise he is still wearing an insultingly red jumper.

“You’ve got it the wrong way round,” he deadpans. “I’m pretending to switch house loyalties to get some good dick.”

Barty gives a sympathetic wince. “Don’t tell me you’re still not fucking.”

Regulus lets out a humourless laugh. “We’re still not fucking,” he says truthfully. He absolutely doesn’t sound bitter about it.

“What’s stopping him? He saving himself for marriage or something?”

Regulus rolls his eyes at his best friend. “Stop being nosy.”

“Someone’s gotta be,” Barty says. “If you need help getting laid just say so.”

“I don’t need help getting laid,” Regulus says a little offended.

Barty raises one eyebrow, the piercing in it mocking Regulus by drawing extra attention to just how little Barty believes him. “When’s the last time you had sex?”

Regulus looks at him blankly. “You know the answer to this.” It’s not like this very situation got him into a bloody pretend relationship with James Potter in the first place.

“So what you’re saying,” Barty presses on, “is that you’ve not gotten shagged in like a month and you’re just fine with that?”

Regulus isn’t. He is constantly worked up not least of all thanks to James constantly existing in his personal space. At the same time though the thought of sleeping with someone else hasn’t even crossed his mind since he had that very emotions-driven and frankly so not worth it night with Bozo. Which is, once again, not least of all thanks to James constantly existing in his personal space. It is rather difficult entertaining the thought of even looking at other men when James buys him lunch and kisses his neck and makes Regulus wear his clothes.

“Mate, you need to get fucked,” Barty says bluntly.

“Well, James doesn’t want to yet–” Or ever, Regulus adds in his mind, “–and I’m not going out there and doing what all of you accused me of very, very recently.”

“Potter’s a fool,” Barty says. “Why are you dating him if he’s not going to fuck you?”

“If I just wanted sex I wouldn’t need a boyfriend,” Regulus says. He doesn’t like this conversation. Having to justify to Barty why he is in a supposed relationship with James would already suck if Regulus didn’t have to fall back on all the intimacy and romance as a reason.

Barty looks at him longer than is comfortable for Regulus. “Give me your phone,” he finally says.

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

“I’m getting you laid.”

Regulus frowns and precariously places his hand over his phone on the table. “I’m not giving you my phone.”

“Come on, Reg.”

“No.”

“Ugh.” Barty pulls his own phone from his pocket. “Gotta do everything myself in this household,” he mutters.

“What are you doing?” Regulus asks, mildly panicked. This cannot bode well, not when Barty is the one initiating.

“Texting Potter to get you laid,” Barty says.

“Barty!” Regulus says, voice raised more than he intended to.

“Chill, this is for your own good.” Barty turns to the side, raising his phone higher as he types in preparation for Regulus to jump up and steal his phone.

Regulus doesn’t jump up. Instead he picks up his wand and casts a silent Accio. Barty, unprepared for the charm, dives after his phone as it flies into Regulus’ waiting hand.

The text has already been sent.

“You asked him to join us for horror night tomorrow?” Regulus asks bewildered, looking down at the conversation. “Why?”

“Gotta start getting to know your boyfriend somehow,” Barty says with an easy shrug, although Regulus knows that that is certainly not the entire reason.

“Are you trying to intimidate him? You, Evan and a horror film against James?”

Barty takes his phone back from Regulus who is guarding it less now that the threat of Barty sending James inappropriate things has somewhat diminished. “Horror night is not a threat,” Barty declares. “Although I might have to drop one or two threats about hurting you in there as well.”

“Don’t bother,” Regulus says. “Sirius already did that.” Plus it’s not like it actually matters.

“Yeah, but Sirius is biased. He needs to hear it from someone who has no qualms about killing him.” He frowns at his phone, then types away.

“What’s he saying?” Regulus asks.

Barty shakes his head, then types again. Regulus watches him with a furrowed brow until Barty sighs and says, “He doesn’t want to join us for horror night.”

“Shocker,” Regulus says dryly.

“Just like you,” Barty says, and Regulus is about to complain that he loves horror night and it’s not his fault he keeps having to cancel, when Barty continues, “He’d rather study for his exam than watch films with friends.”

“He has another exam?” Regulus asks, too late realising that this is probably something he should know as James’ boyfriend.

Barty looks at him suspiciously, raising one eyebrow. “On Monday,” he says. “His last one, apparently. Shouldn’t you know that?”

Regulus gives a small hum and a shrug. “I’ve my own deadlines to keep track of too,” he mumbles.

Barty’s eyebrow levels out again, but that suspicious look remains.

 

Regulus is bemoaning the absence of James’ texts over the weekend. He hadn’t noticed just how used he’d gotten to the constant stream of either one terribly misspelled sentence spanning several text messages or just the odd meme or photo James sends him. It’s understandably gotten more over the last several weeks, silently sneaking up on Regulus until it’s become just another part of his everyday life. He catches himself checking his phone more often than usual that weekend, searching for a new text that isn’t there. It speaks a lot for James actually refusing Barty’s offer for horror night for the reasons he’s claimed.

It also speaks a lot for Regulus’ emotional state.

It feels wrong to say that it’s becoming a problem, because fact is James Potter has been a problem since he was twelve years old. It’s just that James is becoming a problem Regulus is struggling more and more to ignore. He’s thinking about him constantly. It’s agitating.

It goes so far that on Monday morning, when Regulus wakes up to rain and wind and temperatures lower than is welcome he makes an automatic grab for James’ Quidditch jumper to pull over the shirt he wears for sleeping. When he catches himself in the act he has to close his eyes for several seconds as he takes a deep breath. He cannot do this. He cannot start believing that what he’s doing with James is real.

... He can, however, lean into the act. In fact, he should lean into it, he reasons with himself. Barty’s gotten a little suspicious about Regulus not knowing about James’ exams. Wearing James’ jumper is clearly a necessary evil he has to go through to get rid of that suspicion.

(Regulus is great at lying, but when he pulls the jumper over his head not even he can convince himself that this has anything to do with Barty or any plans of convincing him of a fake relationship. When he presses his face into the fabric and breathes in for a moment, eyes closed, he cannot pretend he is not thinking about James’ arms around him.)

In the kitchen, while he is waiting for the coffee machine to fill his mug, he decides to play the good boyfriend act a little better and texts James.

Regulus
I don’t know when your exam is, but good luck with it anyways.

James Potter
ur just in time
im about to leabe feor uni
thank you:)
how come your up so earli?

Regulus
It’s not that early.

James Potter
bet for you it is
have you even had coffee yet?

As it so happens Regulus has just sat down on the kitchen table with his filled coffee mug, warming him up quite nicely as he cradles it close to himself.

Later he knows he will blame it on the fact that he’s only just woken up, that it’s shit weather outside, and that he hasn’t had a single sip of his very necessary dose of caffeine yet. In the future he can convince himself that he’s had no real agency in this situation. But as he holds the phone an arm’s length away from himself and lifts the mug up to his lips to blow away the steam and takes a photo, he knows it’s mainly just for himself. For giving himself a little taste of what this could be, if it wasn’t all a lie.

It takes only two seconds after he’s sent the selfie to James that he wonders if this was a mistake. If he should quickly delete it again, before James can look at it. Only, deleting in the case that James has already seen it would be so much more mortifying, and so he sets his phone away on the table.

Then immediately grabs it again to look if James has replied.

And then pushes it away further down the table, face down, when he realises he hasn’t.

“Ugh,” Regulus groans. “Why.”

Across the flat a door opens, followed by the sound of Barty’s feet against the carpeted floor.

Regulus drops his head onto the table and groans again. “Why,” he says again, this time coming a whine a little too close. Couldn’t Barty have chosen any other moment to get up? Did it have to be while Regulus is debating if he should drink his coffee or just go drown himself instead?

“You good?” Comes Barty’s rough voice through to him.

“No,” Regulus grumbles. “I’ve made a mistake. Leave me alone.”

A moment of silence, then Barty hums, “Okay,” and then more noise of feet against carpet indicates that Barty is leaving for the bathroom.

Regulus stays with his head against the table for several moments longer. It isn’t until he decides that he does want to have his coffee, and would prefer if he had it still hot that he moves again.

As he sips his drink (on the brink of being lukewarm, sadly) he eyes his phone across the table warily. He doesn’t yet dare look at it, too embarrassed about what he might find. Why did he do that?

Before Regulus can convince himself that looking at his phone won’t instantly kill him Barty reappears, his hair now wet and his voice less sleep ridden when he speaks. “What mistakes have you made this early into the day?” Barty pauses. “Besides putting on the dreadful Gryffindor jumper, I mean.”

“Texted James,” Regulus says shameful.

“Texting your boyfriend is a mistake now?”

Regulus lets his head fall back against the table. Everything is a mistake. “I need another coffee,” he mumbles.

Wordlessly Barty takes his mug and carries it over to the counter to make himself and Regulus another drink. Sometimes Regulus does appreciate living together with his best friend.

“It can’t have been that bad,” Barty says over the humming of the coffee machine.

Regulus lets out a pitiful whine.

“Really now?”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“That’s what happens when you don’t fuck your boyfriend. You still have things to be embarrassed about.”

“How are those two things related?”

Barty places the refilled mug down next to Regulus’ head. “Haven’t yet stripped yourself bare in front of him.”

Regulus is getting flashbacks of James doing just that in the Elqueue stadium. “You don’t know about that,” he mumbles.

“Oh?” Barty asks with interest.

Regulus shakes his head, his curls flopping back and forth against the table. While that had been mortifying for entirely different reasons, this here feels worse.

Barty seems to catch his drift. “Want me to check what he replied?” he asks.

That makes Regulus move. With a yelp he sits up, lunging for his phone before Barty gets the idea of looking through his texts without Regulus’ permission. “No,” he blurts out.

Barty laughs at him. “Merlin, it really must have been bad. Come on, just get it over with. Potter’s reply will be the same whether you look at it or not.”

Barty has a point. It’s just that it won’t feel real until Regulus looks at it. As long as he doesn’t look at it there exists a reality in which James isn’t making fun of Regulus having sent a dishevelled morning selfie literally wearing James’ clothes.

Nevertheless he unlocks his phone and peaks at the screen hesitantly.

There are several minutes between Regulus’ last messages and James’ reply.

James Potter
dkjf
s
d
sorry i nesrly missed my bus’
what ehe fuck reg
youre gorgeous
i should gige you more of my flothes if this is what it gets me
good fuckin moening to me
oaky im normal again
enjoy youe coffee:)
im off to my ecam now
ill see u latee
thanks for bestowing upon me this giftof such beatuy, i shall treasue it greatly<33

The blush that had slowly spread across his face as he read the messages fades again once he reaches the last text. There it is again. Reactions that have Regulus convinced James is truly affected by him, is attracted to him in some way, only to be overplayed and brushed aside by over the top compliments and flirting that can only be considered ridicule.

“And was it that bad?” Barty asks curiously.

Regulus isn’t entirely sure how to reply to that. Honestly, he’s mostly just ... annoyed? It feels like James is making fun of Regulus’ crush on him. Giving him crumbs to eat until he is lured into a false sense of comfort only to be ridiculed for believing it was anything of the likes. “No,” Regulus snaps, and puts his phone aside again without replying to the text.

 

Regulus is staring at a letter (a real, physical letter he’s gotten sent by owl. Who still uses owls these days?), when his phone lights up the next time. He glances at it only momentarily, checking if this requires his immediate attention. It doesn’t, judging from the few words he catches, and so he turns back to the piece of paper in front of him.

We’d be delighted to get to know you better–

His mind drifts off to James’ text again. His fingers are itching for his phone to see what he wants this time. But this letter is decisively more important.

– we have only heard good things about you so far, both from the staff and our son–

Another text, and Regulus’ mind starts wandering once more.

– We’re looking forward to hearing from you.

At the fourth text Regulus sets the letter aside with a sigh and unlocks his phone.

James Potter
i survied to exam
i think it went well
peter atleast has similae results to me
r u still wearin my jumper?

Regulus is, in fact, still wearing James’ jumper. Despite how embarrassed he is about it he couldn’t get himself to take it off. It is really quite comfortable and it still smells like James and also if he changed into something different Barty would ask questions again.

 

Regulus
Wouldn’t you like to know...
Happy to hear your exam went well. Congratulations on getting through your exam season.

James Potter
i would like to know,yeha
accidental cowboy moment very not on purpose
anyway
maybe you should send me another selfie
so i know
;)

Regulus
I’ll pass, thank you.

Regulus looks at the letter again. He’s read it about six times by now. It still doesn’t feel enough. It’s an offer, and it’s an enticing one. Even more so when he looks at his bank account, knowing there is currently about as much as there is in his Gringotts vault. A rather empty thing ever since he moved out of Grimmauld Place. It’s an offer he should definitely take, no matter how terrifying it is. He’s flown twice since his parents confiscated his broom. Twice. How can these people seriously trust him in teaching their son anything?

On the other hand, getting back on that broom had felt so natural, he might as well not have had that break at all. Obviously he hasn’t improved since he stopped flying regularly, but he doesn’t think he’s gotten that much worse since either.

The issue still remains that Regulus doesn’t have his own broom. If he’s supposed to teach a child how to fly he can’t show up there without a broom. Maybe he could convince Marlene to lend him hers every now and then, until he’s given enough lessons that he’ll eventually manage to buy his own. He’d ask James, but even if the two of them wouldn’t soon stop talking to each other, James will barely have a moment left in which he’ll be able to part with his broom.

He’s getting ahead of himself. He hasn’t even decided he’s going to accept the job offer yet. No worrying about brooms before he doesn’t know it’s a necessary thing to worry about. First he needs to ... honestly, he needs to fly again. Both to reassure himself that he is capable of doing so, and to clear his head to come to a sensible decision.

Regulus picks up his phone again. There are several new messages from James waiting for him.

James Potter
:(
but my jumper suirs you so well
u should show me again
:8
*:(
guess ill have to look at the previus photo some more instrad

Regulus
I’ll give it back to you next time I see you.
I also still need to give you the book I promised you. Maybe now that your exams are over I can join you for some flying again after your training/work tomorrow?

James Potter
imma have to decline just so you keep weaing my jumper then

Regulus rolls his eyes. Has James always been this insistent on flirting or is he playing it up more than usual for his very convincing boyfriend act?

Regulus
I can also keep your stupid jumper if that’s what it takes.

James Potter
i know you secretly love ewaring it ;)
but also sorry babe i catually cant
im busy thursday

Regulus
What with?

He doesn’t mean to ask it, his fingers just sort of type the question all on their own. He wishes he hadn’t, when James replies.

James Potter
sorry, cant tell you
marauders secret :)

He doesn’t know why that bothers him so much, getting told no by James. It doesn’t make sense, because of course Regulus isn’t James’ first priority, and of course James has his own friends to hang out with. But it’s the way he makes it into a secret, explicitly stating that whatever he’s getting up to, Regulus is not part of it, is in fact so little part of it that he’s not even allowed to know what’s going on. Just that reminder that no matter how much he tries he will never truly be part of James’ life, not in a way that matters at least.

After a minute of staring bitterly at the words, another text pops up.

James Potter
we can find a different date?

Regulus
It’s fine, don’t worry.

James Potter
its erally just tomorow that doesnt work
any other time is fine
we could literally go right now if oyu want

Regulus
I said it’s fine. I have things to do.

James Potter
okay :( id your sure
let me know if you change your mind xx

Merlin, he’s fucking pathetic. James turns him down one time and Regulus’ heart feels like it’s being slowly taken apart by his ribcage caving in. He can’t even be hopefully happy about those x-es at the end of the text message.

Regulus throws his phone on his bed in frustration. This would be so much easier if he wasn’t in love with James. Everything would be easier if he wasn’t in love with James.

He looks down at his desk where the letter is still lying, the folds by now smoothed out completely from how often Regulus has run his fingers over them while he read and reread it. At the end of the day, Regulus really doesn’t think he has much of a choice in this situation. He’s really not in a position where he can pick and choose which job offers to accept and which to deny anyway.

As if summoned by his thoughts, Barty knocks on Regulus’ door before opening it a second later without waiting to be beckoned in. Regulus scrambles to fold the letter up, pushing it underneath his laptop.

“What are you hiding there?” Barty asks curiously.

“Can you wait until I’ve told you to come in? I could be naked in here,” Regulus snaps.

Barty scoffs, “There’s nothing I could catch you doing I’ve not seen before, Reggie, calm down.”

“That still doesn’t mean I want you to just barge in here.”

“Sorry,” Barty says with no remorse in his voice. “I come with uncomfortable questions.”

“Great.” Life really just keeps on giving.

“What’s the money status?” Barty asks, really just going right for it. “If you need me to pay a little more this month I can do that, I just need to prepare for it.”

Regulus shakes his head. “It’s fine, I got this. I still have enough to pay for this month.” After that he will be fucked though, if he doesn’t get paid more any time soon.

As if on cue, Barty asks, “And next month?”

“I–” Regulus considers. Bites his lip, glancing at his laptop hiding the letter. “I think I’m going to start a new job soon.”

“Oh? Did someone reach back to you regarding your thing on the notice board?”

“No, it’s–” Barty is his best friend, he is not going to judge him for this. Even more, if it’s a terrible idea to go through with Barty will tell him, he’s never sugar coated any truths for him. Which is maybe exactly why Regulus is so nervous about telling him. Because if Barty thinks this is ridiculous to even consider, Regulus confidence in himself and his flying abilities will suffer greatly.

Regulus pulls the letter back out from underneath his laptop. “For some reason the parents of one of James’ children have decided they want me of all people to teach their son how to be a good Seeker.”

“Oh, that’s–”

“I know,” Regulus cuts in. “They’ve clearly lost their minds because I know nothing about children, or teaching, and I haven’t flown in years, I don’t even have my own broom. And they don’t even know me? I’ve met the kid one single time and somehow they’ve decided I’m qualified for this? Aren’t they scared I’m going to kidnap their child or something?”

“Damn, Reg, calm down,” Barty urges, lifting his hands in surrender to the swell of words.

“It just doesn’t make sense!”

“Do you want to take this job?”

“I’m not qualified for it.”

“Sure, but do you want to do it?” Barty insists.

Regulus chews on his lip as he stares at the letter in his hand. Does he want to do it? “I enjoyed helping out with James’ lesson,” he admits. “It was a little overwhelming, and I didn’t really know what I was doing, but I liked teaching them new things.”

“There you go then,” Barty says with a shrug.

“But I don’t know what I’m doing,” Regulus emphasises. “And I don’t have a broom.”

“Come on now, Reg. You never know what you’re doing when you’re starting a new job. They’ll tell you what they want you to do. And considering they’re trying to get their son extra private Quidditch lessons on the side they’re probably rich, so just tell them they’ll need to provide a broom for you.”

“They are rich,” Regulus mumbles. “You remember the Higgs family? They were at most of the posh events my parents dragged me to.”

Barty hums non-committal. He only tagged along to very few of those meetings, only whenever Evan and Regulus managed to sneak him in. The Crouch family didn’t mix well with most of the names attending any of those fancy dinners Regulus’ parents were so insistent on.

“I think one of them used to be good friends with Cissa. I don’t know if it’s Terence’s mother or an aunt, but I’m fairly sure it was one of the Higgs people.”

“Well, then they can’t be all that terrible, right? Lots of money and friends with one of your not as terrible family members? Go for it, Reg. It’ll be good.”

“And if–”

“If not, you quit,” Barty says before Regulus can start worrying again. “Do it like me. Just quit it all and do something else.”

Regulus snorts. “Yeah, I guess...”

“There you go.” Barty gives Regulus a friendly slap on his shoulder. He gives a hum that so clearly means something that Regulus has to crane his neck to look at his best friend suspiciously. “What?” he asks with narrowed eyes.

“Oh, nothing, nothing.”

“Tell me.”

Barty gives a you asked for it shrug, then says, “I’m just thinking, despite the lack of sex, Potter genuinely seems good for you. You’d never even have considered something like this two months ago.”

Regulus tries not to grimace. Potter is good for you. Regulus is really of a different opinion here. He can’t deny that this specific situation wouldn’t have come about without James, and without James’ enthusiasm Regulus would have immediately insisted he’s incapable of teaching anyone, but good for him?

For a moment Regulus genuinely considers just telling Barty everything. Telling him about Marlene’s wrong assumptions and how they started everything. About the fake dates, and the fake relationship, and the boundaries they’ve set in place that keep getting less and less as their act goes on. He considers telling Barty about his very real feelings for James that are so much worse than the crush they started out as a decade ago, and run so much deeper than the pure physical attraction his friends thought it was for the past several years. He considers telling Barty how he is scared about the coming weeks, about the breakup they will have to instigate, the way to James it will most likely be a relief, considering he didn’t want to have to pretend to be in love with Regulus in the first place, while for Regulus it will be real, actual heartbreak, no matter how fake the predating relationship might be.

He considers it, and then rips the consideration apart in his mind and throws the pieces out. No matter how much he wants someone to understand what he’s going through, have someone to confide in and to sit by him once everything goes to shit, fact is he can’t talk about it. Not about this. It feels too ... too personal, too important, too much like him. He’s never been good at trusting others with his own emotions, never been good at verbalising them either. And this – James, and all they’ve done together – this is all of his emotions stacked tightly together, condensed into one, locked securely in his chest. And he won’t be able to let go of that. Not for Barty. Not for anyone.

“I don’t know,” Regulus mumbles instead.

Barty looks genuinely confused. “Why?”

“Well, he doesn’t want to see me.”

“What do you mean?” There is a hint of actual concern in Barty’s voice now.

“I’m not as important as his Marauders secrets,” Regulus sneers. Maybe he is being dramatic about this. Sirius practically raised him, how could he not be? 

The concern disappears from Barty’s face and he is left looking rather unimpressed. “What you’re saying is he denied you a meeting once because he is hanging out with his friends,” he puts the pieces of information together.

Regulus remains petulantly silent.

“Bloody kill me, that’d be less painful,” Barty mutters. Then, louder, “You seriously need a fucking shag, Reg.”

 

—

 

James is starting to wonder how much of his Quidditch skills are genuinely just confidence and general happiness.

Even he is confused about how well he plays during his training and he isn’t entirely unconvinced the fact he’s gotten through all of his exams, presumably did well on the Statistics one, and Regulus asked to come flying with him again has nothing to do with it. He feels like he’s doing things right in different aspects of his life and it translates scarily well into his flying skills.

“I was honestly getting worried about you,” Nora tells him at the end of their training, “but this was an incredible passing play, James. I’m glad you’ve gotten through that little down phase of yours.”

James still isn’t too sure it was merely a phase. Doesn’t want to rely too much on everything just being alright again, because he knows that once the last match is closer his nerves will pick up again. More so, he certainly hasn’t forgotten the conversation he’s had with Morrings after their last match. The knowledge that people do look at him with expectations is a terrifying one that he is doing his best to ignore until it comes to be. He has to, or he won’t even get to that point. James hasn’t yet figured out how not to spiral into thoughts of failure that inevitably bring actions of failure with them.

Still, he decides that as long as he’s doing fine he will lean into it, and maybe the confidence will stick long enough for him to get through the last game as well.

“I told you I got this,” he says with a cocky grin, the muscles in his face remembering where to move from years of practice.

“I really am going to miss playing with you once you transfer,” Nora tells him. “I would have properly signed you in a heartbeat if we had the spot. And if you weren’t clearly meant for the Upper League,” she adds with a proud smile.

“Your confidence in me getting signed is a bit scary. Shouldn’t you insist I’ll stay with you?”

Nora gives a slight shake of her head and leans closer. “Look, James, I probably shouldn’t tell you this but the Catapults aren’t the only ones who’ve already noticed you. I got press inquiries about you after one of our last matches. They know you’re good, and they want to see you get up there.”

James blinks at his captain owlishly. “Press inquiries,” he echoes. “What does that even mean?”

“Just that you should be prepared for a lot of attention once the Catapults sign you.”

“And if they don’t?”

Nora laughs. “If they don’t they’re bloody stupid and it’ll be no time before another team will try to get you under their fingers. You’ll get the attention either way. The only reason you’re not already being swarmed by reporters is because it’s still the off-season and they’re probably waiting their time until they can make this a proper good story, because at the moment it would be overshadowed too much by the whole Kayden Jones drama.”

James is fairly sure (or maybe just delusionally hoping) that Nora is exaggerating. Sure, players in the main thirteen teams usually get attention when they first join the Upper League, because it’s change, a still unknown variable everyone is interested in how they’re going to influence the game. But that they’re already looking at him before he’s even signed onto a team full time is preposterous. James might be good, but he’s not that good. Right?

“I don’t know anything about that,” James says cautiously. “How to give interviews and stuff.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Nora says. “They’ll explain everything to you when it happens. And if there’s any specific questions you have you can also always ask me, although I do have to warn you, I don’t know a lot either. The Basilisks are just not cool enough to interrogate about anything.” She laughs.

“Hey now,” James says putting on an offended frown. “The Basilisks are plenty cool. I wouldn’t have begged to join your team if you weren’t.” Truthfully James had just joined the first team that would have him, desperate to get into playing Quidditch professionally at all. Nora knows this, of course, not just because she is the one who got him on the team as a reserve player, but also because she had to have started the same way he has at some point. It’s all the same, for everyone.

“I know,” Nora says nonetheless, with a proud smile as she watches the remaining players pack up their equipment. “I’ve got the best team ever.”

No matter how few matches he really got to play with them, and how, even in the end, he always used to be a little on the outside of the team – James is genuinely going to miss the Basilisks, if he truly ends up going to get signed with a new team.

 

For once it’s James who ends up running late for work. Marlene, wisely, doesn’t point it out, because she knows she’d be a hypocrite for it and James not above calling her out on it. It’s unfortunate, however, because as it turns out the ten minutes he ran late made him miss some interesting new developments.

“What do you mean you didn’t know about this?” Marlene asks surprised. “I thought Regulus would have told you.”

James shakes his head. “He hasn’t. They actually asked for like, references about him?”

Marlene nods.

“And I missed that,” James laments. “I would have given him the most shining review.”

“I know. We all know, James, you’re obsessed with him.” Marlene rolls her eyes.

Well, that he certainly is. “I hope you’ve also told them how well he did when he joined the lesson. ‘Cause he was incredible, you can’t deny that.”

Marlene looks up at the sky, sighing, as if she’s begging some higher force to save her from this conversation. “I did,” she says. “I promise, I told them just how great a player and flyer he is and how well he worked together with the children. I wasn’t going to be a dick about this just cause I’m not in love with him.”

“Good.” James nods. “That’s good, thank you. Do you think I should also give them my opinion as well? Like, send them a letter or something?”

“If you want, I’m not stopping you.” Marlene shrugs. “Genuinely though, what’s the reason behind this? Baby Black really hasn’t told you anything?”

James shakes his head. “I have no idea what this is about, I’m hearing about it for the first time right now.”

“Maybe they’re kicking you off the work schedule and will replace you with your boyfriend,” Marlene says with a teasing smirk.

James mulls this over in his head. “That’s possible,” he says slowly.

“Ah, shut up, I wasn’t being serious here.”

“No, but listen,” James insists. “If I’m going to play Upper League, there’s a big possibility that I won’t have time for this anymore. That’s a full-time job I’d be signing to. I wouldn’t be mad if Regulus filled the spot for me, I think that’d be great!” The concept genuinely excites him. James can’t imagine anyone better suited for this job. Which might of course be because he’s a little biased, but still. If this is why their boss inquired about Regulus and that one lesson James made him join, James definitely won’t be mad.

 

James meant to send Regulus a text regarding the Elqueue inquiry about him after work, but once they’ve finally sent all the children off and packed up the equipment it’s gotten so late that James barely has time to shower, much less text Regulus.

“Sorry, gotta run,” he tells Marlene in a rushed goodbye who only gives him a confused cock of her eyebrow and a puzzled, “Have fun?” as he sprints out of the stadium, sports bag slung over his shoulder, hair still wet.

He doesn’t bother dropping his things off at home first, immediately making his way over to Remus and Peter’s place. Good too, because when the door opens Sirius ushers him in with a hurried, “Cutting it a bit close today, Prongs. We were already debating if we should leave without you.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t get off work earlier,” James pants, a little out of breath from running up the three flights of stairs to his friends’ flat. “Remus alright?”

“I’m alright,” Remus answers for himself, stepping out into the corridor, despite looking a little worse for wear. It’s not the worst he’s ever looked before a full moon, James has to admit, but he can’t deny that the past weeks must have torn on him more than usual either.

“Alright,” Peter says, clapping his hands together, “let’s get going, before our food gets cold.”

 

Obviously their food doesn’t get cold, considering they’re only ordering once they’ve apparated to the village close to the forest they’ve chosen for their monthly moon walks. It’s still a while before the moon will rise and they have to be safely hidden away in the furthest corner of the forest, but this tradition of theirs, grabbing food somewhere and hanging out around the castle ruin is an important part of the night.

The location was more or less an accidental find. Once they left Hogwarts they had to figure out where to spend full moons in a way that would be safe for everyone, including Remus. He was the one who suggested the area close to where he had grown up as a child, because he knows it well enough to be able to feel some sort of safety there. And James, after having looked at a map, had been the one to suggest the castle ruins nearby as a pre hangout spot, because he’d spotted them during a Quidditch match he’d played not too far away. It feels rather nostalgic, James ponders as he chews on a chip, sitting on the grass, the rough stones of an old castle against their backs, just like they’d done so many times at school.

“How did your interview earlier go?” Peter asks Sirius in between bites.

James looks up, his muscles tensing slightly in preparation for whatever Sirius is going to say. He’s not sure if this was a smart move on Peter’s side, stirring them in the direction of a potentially very emotional conversation right before a transformation.

But Sirius just shrugs. “I think it was fine. It wasn’t as good as that first one, so I really don’t want to get my hopes up too much.”

“Wait,” James says, forgetting his own caution, “They’ve still not gotten back to you? It’s been like, what, three weeks?” From how positively Sirius had talked about that mechanics shop he had forgotten his phone at right afterward his interview James would have assumed they’d replied to him by now.

“Oh no, they have, they called me a couple days after I went there to pick up my phone,” Sirius says nonchalantly, although the shrug he gives is a little too uncaring. “They picked someone else.”

James gapes at him. “You didn’t tell me.”

“It was the day before your exam, I didn’t want to keep you from studying.”

“I would have–”

“I know,” Sirius interrupts. “Which is why I didn’t tell you. Remus was there, and honestly, it’s not like that was the first rejection I got. It was fine.”

James looks from Sirius to Remus, who gives him a reassuring nod, and then back to Sirius. He doesn’t like that he’s missed this. Doesn’t like that Sirius didn’t tell him. Doesn’t like that he didn’t know.

“Stop looking like that,” Sirius says, throwing one of his own chips at James and missing him by several inches. “You were busy with your own shit, I purposefully didn’t tell you. And honestly, after your match I’d already forgotten about it, I’ve enough other things I need to focus on, no point in dwelling on one shop I liked not wanting me. And you know, I’ve now had another interview anyway. They said they’d make their decision by Monday, so whatever happens then I won’t be thinking about until it happens.”

“Smart,” Peter hums. “That’s what I always do with my exams too. No point in worrying, it’s not like I can change anything about my answers afterwards anyway.”

James still isn’t happy about this new revelation. He knows the way Sirius went about the whole thing doesn’t only make sense, but was definitely the correct course of action. James instantly would have dropped everything to rush over to Sirius had he known, despite the fact he desperately needed every second (quite honestly could have done with more than that) to prepare for his thermodynamics exam. And it’s not like James is Sirius’ only friend, as more than evident by the fact they’re currently sitting here, the four of them, waiting for Sirius’ boyfriend to transform into a wolf. James is already struggling enough as is, he really wouldn’t have needed to deal with that as well when Sirius had other people to turn to.

And yet James can’t help but feel oddly betrayed by it. By not being needed. It’s probably not a good thing. He knows it’s not a good thing. And still the feeling remains.

Notes:

that cooking date used to be part of the previous chapter, but it just did not fit the vibe so i had to move it one chapter back, so i am really, really sorry for having all of you worry about the impending breakup already <33 we are still in the james ignoring things very desperately phase :3
this note is mainly for myself: i have a logic fault in this chapter regarding magic and moving but i am trying really hard to ignore it because it Does Not Matter but i need you to know that i did, in fact, notice it when editing :')
honestly james' skill of panicking about his future while simulatenously also ignoring everything like 'this is a problem i will start thinking about and deal with once i get there' is impressive (and absolutely not drawn from real life experience no why would you ask that)
anyway, reg in james' quidditch clothes my beloved love of my life <33333

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Chapter 15: I Lost Sight in Your Arms Tonight

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Arms Tonite by Mother Mother

chapter warnings! :)

this chapter will include mild aphobia/insensitivity towards asexuality as well as references to past child abuse and people getting locked up in rooms. more detailed spoilery things in the end notes!

Naturally, James sleeps nearly until noon the next day.

It was a surprisingly good full moon, all things considered. They raced through the forest, Wormtail catching a ride on Padfoot’s back, securely wrapped in his fur. They discovered a new cave; a small thing, hidden behind the gnarly roots of an oak tree. And later, when they exhausted all their energy from running they found a clearing where they curled up together and watched the clouds pass by the stars above them.

Of course, once the sun started rising again and Moony transformed back into Remus, the signs of exhaustion were there all the clearer. He was sore, as he always was, and the other three Marauders matched him in tiredness. But it had been worth it. It had been needed, for all of them, that lack of care for the hells of capitalism their animal brains simply had no interest in dwelling on.

So when James finally wakes up, his room already filled with the grey light filtering through the layers of clouds that had collected in the morning, his body is sluggish but his mind feels like it got its long overdue factory reset.

It’s then that he remembers that he had wanted to ask Regulus about what happened at the Elqueue stadium the previous day. He’ll still offer up his own letter of recommendation for him if he wants that. But first he has to find out what he’d have to recommend Regulus for, and so he turns over in his bed, pushing his glasses onto his nose and himself up on his elbows as he opens his messages.

 

James
hey so
question
whats up wiht you and LQ?
marls got interrrogated about you
are you  gonna become my coworker?
or my replcement?
very curious here

It takes a while before there is a reply. James gives up on waiting to hear back from Regulus still snuggled up in his bed, so he gets up to catch up on his usual morning routine. When he next checks his phone there is a reply waiting for him.

Regulus
How about an exchange?
Ill give you an answer to your question and you send me a nude

James nearly drops his phone when he walks right into his closed bathroom door. He’s sure he’s going to get a bruise from where the door handle got rammed into his hip bone, but quite frankly, there are far more important things on his mind than worrying about that.

James
uh
i literally just put on clothed

Regulus
They can be taken off again, shouldnt be too hard
Unlike you

James is getting incredibly flushed all over. Honestly, taking his clothes off seems like an enticing idea all by itself at the moment because somehow it’s gotten incredibly hot in this room.

James
what is happening right now

Regulus
I thought that was obvious
Im trying to get you to send me nudes
A good dick pic
Because im desperate and need to get off
And that always works best when thinking of ygegwhfhzs
NO
ABSOLUTELY IGNOTR THIS
FUCK THIS
WAIT

James is still blinking at his phone in absolute confusion, half turned on and half wary, trying to figure out what all this means, where the sudden change came from, why Regulus of all people would prank him or if it’s maybe not a prank at all and Regulus is drunk? Concussed? Possibly close to death? when his phone starts ringing, Regulus’ name in big letters on the display.

Hesitantly James picks up.

“I am so sorry,” Regulus pants into the speaker, not even waiting for James to say anything. “Barty stole my phone. He texted. That wasn’t me.”

“Oh– okay?”

“I did not ask you for nudes, fucking hell, I would never!”

“Uhm, thanks for the confidence boost there,” James says, half joking.

There’s some rustling on the other side, an indignant yelp from Regulus, then muffled French, before Barty says, “Hi Potter, you’re on speaker.”

“Hello?” James is incredibly fascinated and equally bemused by this new insight he’s getting into Regulus’ life.

“Regulus wants you to know he’d never ask for your nudes, but he most definitely wants them, which is why I did the asking for him,” Barty continues while, a little muffled, Regulus shouts, “I don’t! Shut up! Fucking hell Barty, shut the fuck up!”

“Sorry Crouch,” James says, mainly to help Regulus out because even over the phone he sounds absolutely mortified by the occurance, “I generally don’t send nudes, so the asking was for nothing regardless.”

“Such a shame,” Barty hums. “Leaving our Reggie hanging like that is not very nice of you.”

“I am going to fucking murder you Crouch, give me my phone back!”

“I think Regulus might want to have his phone back,” James says calmly, ignoring the mix of feelings in his stomach fighting against one another. “Not sure though. I’m just getting a mild vibe here.”

“He can have it back in a minute,” Barty promises. “I do need to get him what he wants, though.”

“And that is?”

“You.”

The next breath James takes in gets stuck somewhere in his throat, making him cough and wheeze, “He already has me. You know, boyfriends and all...”

“Mm, yeah,” Barty hums. “I think we could do this a little better.”

“What are you suggesting?” James asks, suspicious not just of Barty but also of the fact that Regulus seems to no longer be shouting on the other side of the line.

“Horror night,” Barty says. “And this time for real. You’re done with your exams. You’re coming over to our flat tomorrow evening for food and horror films.”

“I don’t like horror films,” James points out.

“I don’t care,” Barty says. “If you want to keep dating Regulus you have to come over for horror night.”

“Uh... is that Regulus’ decision?”

“It is not,” Regulus calls. “You don’t have to come. You can ignore Barty. In fact, please ignore Barty.”

“Don’t ignore me,” Barty disagrees. “You’re coming over for horror night. Tomorrow, five, our place. You’re responsible for snacks. Understood?”

“I mean–”

Barty immediately interrupts him again before James can find another reason not to show up. “Either see it as getting my approval to date my best friend, or see it as an early birthday present for Reg, I don’t care.”

“My birthday is not for another three weeks,” Regulus points out with an annoyed huff.

James sighs. “Seems like an appropriate time frame for early birthday presents. I’ll be there.”

“Excellent, so glad you want to do this with us,” Barty says chipper.

James rolls his eyes, a motion he wishes Barty could see. “You’re lucky my Sunday training will be in the afternoon this time, or I really would have said no. I still have a match I need to prepare for.”

“You also still have a needy boyfriend you need to treat well. He’s sitting around in your jumper pouting all day at the lack of dick he’s getting.”

“Am not,” Regulus hisses. “I am not. Stop lying to James.”

“Am I lying though?” Barty muses, followed by a sharp “Ouch,” as presumably Regulus hit him or cursed him or otherwise maimed him a little.

“Well, I suggest you give my needy boyfriend his phone back so he can tell me all those things himself,” James says. He’s trying not to think too much about Barty’s words. About Regulus in James’ jumper, James’ name on his back, being needy and wanting to get fucked by James. That’s thoughts he should really keep far away from the forefront of his mind.

“Alright, see you tomorrow then,” Barty says as his goodbye. “And don’t forget the snacks!”

Then the audio quality changes, a series of thudding noises comes through the speaker, before Regulus is talking again. “I really am so sorry about this.”

“Don’t worry,” James says immediately. Then, because after all these years he’s still a bit of a dick, he adds with a smirk, “So, wearing my jumper again, are you?”

“I did it once because I was cold and couldn’t be bothered to go looking for a different one.”

“Uh huh, sure,” James hums happily. “You know if you’re that desperate to have my name attached to you, there’s more permanent ways than that. Just say the word, Reggie, I’ll propose to you.”

“I’m going to hang up now,” Regulus splutters.

James laughs. “I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetheart. You should wear that jumper again for me.”

Instead of a reply James gets the three notes indicating the call was ended. It isn’t enough to wipe the grin off his face.

 

—

 

Regulus fears he’s going to have to murder James Potter.

It’s either that or figure out how to actually get James to propose to him. Because what the fuck was that.

He is still holding his phone, not yet having processed the conversation enough to set it aside, when it lights up with another text.

James Potter
you still havent answerd my original quesiton
what happen with you and lq?

Regulus hadn’t yet wanted to tell James about it. Considering James is properly involved in the whole matter, telling him feels a lot scarier than telling Barty. James has the inside knowledge to judge whether this is a good idea or not. James knows Terence, and his parents too, probably, so he will know how well Regulus fits the job.

But also, it’s James, and no matter how much of a twat he is, he’d never not be kind about something Regulus actually cares about, he’s sure about that. So in the end Regulus types out another message.

Regulus
Terence Higgs liked what I told him so much that he apparently begged his parents to get me back to teach him more, so I’m currently in the talks with Mrs Higgs to give her son private lessons.
I’ve not signed any contracts yet so it’s not a certain thing, but I’m most likely going to take the job.

James Potter
ohhhhhh thats so cool!!!!
yeah ive never seen terence as excited as he was when you were there
fulfilling his seekr dreams:D
i know marls has already spoken of you highly
but do you need me to recommend you more strongly to mrs higgs?
cause i will happily do that

It’s not less than what he’d expected from James here, and still it leaves him uncertain of how to reply. He wonders if he maybe shouldn’t have hung up the call earlier, so they could have had this entire conversation then. Although he has to admit it does come easier to him when he can take his time figuring out his words and doesn’t have to anxiously try to read into the tone of James’ voice.

Regulus
I didn’t know they asked about me at LQ. I don’t think you have to go out of your way to say anything, but if the opportunity arises it’d be nice if you didn’t talk me down.

James Potter
nahhh i would never
you were bloody amazing reg
youre going to make an incredible teacher
i know it :)

Regulus
I’m not too sure. I’m really not qualified for this, and I still don’t have a broom, so I don’t know how this is going to work out.

James Potter
oh yeah
a broom might be good here
mmm
i mean
it IS your birthday soon

Regulus
Just cause it’s my birthday doesn’t mean I’ll suddenly have the money to buy myself an expensive gift.

James Potter
yeah but i do

Regulus
You’re not buying me a broom, James.

James Potter
and why not?

Regulus actually has to put his phone down for a moment and take a deep breath. This isn’t even just falling dangerously into real boyfriend territory where it should all be pretend anymore.

Regulus
It’s too much money for you to spend on me.
Do I have to remind you that we’re not actually dating and I am NOT your sugar baby?

James Potter
:(
but i have the money
its your bday
also its be fully serving me here too
i wanna have a fair race against oyu again

Regulus
No.
It’s too much money for one person to spend on me. I’ll figure something else out.

James Potter
mmm
keep me updated no that
and the rest
pls

Regulus
If there’s anything interesting to tell that you should know I’ll tell you.

James Potter
:)
well
ill see you tomorrow at five i guess
looking forward to seeing you in gryffindor colours again

Regulus
I’m NOT going to wear your clothes again.

James Potter
sure thing babe keep telling yourself that
you know you want to ;)

Regulus should just ignore the message and move on with his day, that would be the dignified reaction to this. Unfortunately he seems to have lost his dignity some several weeks ago, when he suggested a fake relationship to solve all of James’ problems, and so he can’t help but reply with a very undignified fuck off, no I don’t. Which James, of course, because he’s James fucking Potter, follows up with a kissing emoji.

The middle finger emoji Regulus sends in response isn’t any more dignified than his previous reply.

 

At midday the next day James calls again.

“Reg, hi,” James greets as soon as Regulus picks up the phone. “I just finished my training, I’m about to go to the shops to pick up some things for later–”

“You really don’t need to bring anything, we always have enough here for horror night anyway,” Regulus says quickly, somewhat embarrassed that Barty bullied James not only into coming over for an activity he clearly doesn’t enjoy, but also into providing snacks for them.

“Nah, too late, I’m already on my way,” James says happily. “So if you have any specific wishes, let me know. But that’s not why I’m calling.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m gonna spend the evening with my alleged boyfriend and his two best friends,” James says. “I thought we should maybe talk over that again before that.”

“What for?”

“You know... boundaries and stuff.”

“We’ve already had this conversation,” Regulus says with a frown. Twice, he adds in his mind. He doesn’t need another reminder that everything between himself and James works on an agreed upon contract. “Is there something else you haven’t mentioned yet that you don’t want me to do?”

“No...”

“Then just do whatever you want, James. This is a pretend relationship, so just pretend I am your boyfriend for the evening.”

For a while nothing but the noise of the road James is walking along comes through the speaker. It’s silent for long enough that eventually Regulus has to tentatively ask, “James?”

“Yes, sorry,” James answers immediately. “I’ll treat you like my boyfriend. You know, it’s just...” he trails off again.

“What?” Regulus asks annoyed. If he has to listen to James tell him how that’s something he doesn’t want to do, or worse yet, James once again saying how that’s just not fair on Regulus, he’s going to lose his mind. Regulus is aware his feelings are unrequited, James doesn’t have to continuously remind him of that.

“I don’t know how to be your boyfriend,” James admits. “I don’t know what you would want from a partner, how you would want to be treated, how much physical affection you’d want or what kind. I don’t know these things about you.”

“Oh,” Regulus breathes out. It feels a little like a punch to his throat. “I also don’t know.”

James stays quiet again.

“I think–” Regulus starts, then stops. The punched feeling slowly spreads out into his lungs, wrapping around his heart. “Just pretend I’m Lily,” he finally says.

“Lily?” James echoes.

“Yeah.” The words feel sharp on his tongue, leaving a bitter taste as he speaks them. “Pretend I’m Lily when you were still dating her.”

 

—

 

James doesn’t want to pretend Regulus is Lily. They’re two completely different people. Treating Regulus the same as he did Lily when she was still his girlfriend makes his skin crawl uncomfortably, not least of all because despite Regulus having been the one to suggest it the action feels strangely transphobic to both his ex-girlfriend and his current pretend-boyfriend. This is only aggravated by the fact that James doesn’t think Regulus would even like to be treated the same way. Which would not only make James look like a shit boyfriend, who doesn’t know what his partner likes, but also would make him feel like an absolute twat for making Regulus uncomfortable.

James doesn’t want to treat Regulus like he’s Lily, and since Regulus didn’t tell him how he’d like to be treated, James will simply have to figure that out through trial and error tonight.

When he rings the doorbell to Barty and Regulus’ flat at five, his heart is hammering wildly in his chest. He’s incredibly nervous about this. This will be the most they’ve ever had to pretend so far.

James should probably be nervous about fucking this up. About not being able to play his part and Barty and Evan realising that this is all a charade. Barty knows Regulus too well, and Evan is too nosy to miss anything the two of them are doing, so the chances of everything blowing over during the next couple hours aren’t even that slim.

And yet, all James can think about is Regulus. How he best can make him comfortable, how he will be close the entire evening, how James is planning to kiss him as a greeting once the door will open for him.

He wants to. Wants to have this evening of treating Regulus like his boyfriend, of acting as if this was actually real. He wants to know what this could be like. Not make it into a replay of what his relationship with Lily had been, but see if he can figure out what it might have been with Regulus, in a different universe, where he could have had this for real.

There is a click through the intercom, but no one says anything, just the telltale buzzing urging James to push open the door to the stairwell. No reason to ask who is ringing the doorbell. For once, James is actually on time.

With every step he takes up the stairs to Regulus’ flat his heart is threatening more violently to break out through his ribs. By the time he gets to the third floor he can feel it hammering in his throat, his fingers trembling ever so slightly from nerves.

Regulus is waiting for him, propped against the door frame, arms crossed. He’s dressed comfortably, in grey joggers and a loose-fitting shirt, more at ease than James has seen him in a long time. Despite his nerves James can’t help but smile at him.

“Hi,” Regulus greets him. 

Behind Regulus Evan’s face pops up, grinning at James and giving him a wave, which James returns, before turning his full attention back to Regulus.

“Hello sweetheart,” James says, stepping up to Regulus and leaning down to give him the softest kiss, just a little peck in the corner of his lips. When he pulls back again there is a crimson dusting across Regulus’ cheeks.

“Hi,” Regulus mumbles again, tucking a strand of hair that hadn’t been out of order in the first place behind his ear.

It’s terribly adorable and James is melting a little. “I see you refrained from wearing my jumper,” he teases. “Shame, I was looking forward to that.”

Regulus rolls his eyes and turns to go back into his flat. “You shouldn’t get your hopes up for things you know are never going to happen.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Evan calls, obviously having followed their interaction closely. “He’ll be back in that jumper as soon as you stop thinking about it. He’s only refusing to wear it so he can tell you ‘I told you so’.”

“Am not,” Regulus insists.

“It’s alright, you’re also gorgeous in your own clothes,” James assures him.

“Or no clothes,” Evan mumbles.

“Shouldn’t Barty be back by now?” Regulus asks loudly. It’s a rather abrupt change of subject, but James can’t fault him for that. While James usually resorts to arrogance and flirting when being flustered, Regulus tries to simply ignore the fact he might be flustered at all by deflecting and ignoring the entire subject altogether.

This one is rather effective, though, because James immediately asks, “Where is he?”

“Went to buy some more drinks,” Evan provides.

“Oh, he should have said, I could have picked up more earlier when I got snacks,” James says, pulling his backpack off his back and giving it a little shake. “Where should I put them anyway?”

Regulus holds his hand out demandingly and James hands the backpack over, letting him do the unpacking as he prefers.

“So,” he asks, “what’s the plan for tonight?”

“We’re gonna choose a film now, then order food, and after we’ve eaten we will decide that actually we don’t feel like watching that film at all and choose something else,” Evan explains. “Also you’ll be interrogated, of course.” 

“Of course,” James agrees solemnly. 

“Leave him alone, Evan,” Regulus chides from where he is currently sorting everything James bought into little piles on the kitchen counter. 

Evan shakes his head. “Can’t do that. Potter’s dating our best friend, we have to make sure he is good enough for him.” 

“He is, it’s why I’m dating him,” Regulus says tersely. James’ stomach gives a little swoop at the words. 

“Well, in that case Potter’s got nothing to fear of this, right?” 

“I would have to fear something otherwise?” James asks, a mild trace of worry lining his words. 

“Of course,” Evan states assured of himself at the same time as Regulus says, “No you wouldn’t. This is ridiculous, Ev, stop scaring James.” 

“He’s a Gryffindor, isn’t his whole thing that he’s brave and shit? No reason to be scared of a little talk.” 

“I’ll await your judgement happily and not scared at all,” James says. Truth be told Barty and Evan as a combined force are rather intimidating, especially when it’s them on Regulus’ behalf against James. And despite how little this should actually matter, considering that what they’ll be interrogating him about is a fake relationship, he still wants to get their approval. So he will face this a little scared, because that is actually what being a Gryffindor is all about.

 

“You’ve not seen any horror films before?” Barty asks aghast half an hour later. As soon as he returned from the shops it went down just as Evan had announced, all of them huddled around Regulus’ laptop scrolling down an Excel sheet Regulus apparently diligently updates with the films they’ve seen and have yet to watch.

“I have,” James defends himself. “I don’t know the title of it anymore. People were murdered with an axe and I think a child got hanged on a tree? I really didn’t like it.”

“You just need to see a good horror movie.”

“There is no such thing as a good horror movie. They’re all horrible. That’s kind of in the name of the genre.”

“I don’t think that’s what the genre name stands for,” Regulus immediately argues. He’s sitting between Barty and Evan, James standing behind them since their sofa doesn’t quite have enough space for all of them. James isn’t sure yet how they’re going to be watching the film at all with the four of them. He might have to sit on the floor. He doesn’t mind that idea all that much.

“Either way,” James counters, “I don’t understand why anyone would want to watch things that leave you too terrified to go to sleep by yourself. If I want to be scared I’ll watch the news and think about my future.”

“You?” Evan snorts. “I thought poster boy, future Quidditch star wouldn’t have to worry about these kinda things.”

James just shrugs. He’s not in the mood of divulging into that subject with Evan. “What I’m saying is, I really don’t care what you’re going to pick, I don’t think I’ll enjoy it regardless.”

“I mean, certainly makes deciding on a film easier,” Barty hums. “One less opinion to take into consideration.”

Regulus cranes his neck to look up at James, his eyebrows creased in concern. “We can also watch something else. I don’t want you to have a miserable time.”

“Absolutely not,” Barty disagrees. “We’re not watching romcom trash during horror night. That’s not happening.”

“Romcoms aren’t trash,” James mumbles in offence. “But really, Reg, it’s fine. I knew what I was getting myself into when I agreed to this.”

“Not as if you were given much of a choice,” Regulus grumbles with a vile look in Barty’s direction.

“It’s really fine,” insists James, then adds with a grin, “You might just have to hold my hand a little more than usual.”

“How dreadful,” Regulus deadpans.

Isn’t it just, James thinks sarcastically.

 

At some point between having decided on Crimson Peak and having ordered food Regulus leaves to go to the bathroom. James can smell the confrontation long before Barty grabs him by the wrist and swiftly pulls him, closely followed by Evan, into his bedroom.

“That’s pretty straightforward of you,” James comments. “Shouldn’t you ask a guy out for dinner before you take him to your bedroom?”

“Dinner will come soon enough,” Evan notes.

“Yeah, but I paid for half of it.”

“Irrelevant,” Barty shakes his head. “We’re making this quick, Potter, shouldn’t leave Reg waiting too long when he comes back.”

James shrugs. He’s surrendered to his fate a while ago. “Shoot, then.”

Evan squares his shoulders. He’s standing right in front of the closed bedroom door, James notes, effectively blocking his escape route. It’s unsettling, because it makes James believe he might find himself in a situation where he wishes there was a way to escape.

“What’s your intention with Regulus?” Barty asks.

“Uh. Like, date him?”

“So you’re not just trying to get him into bed?”

“Well, clearly he isn’t,” Barty points out. “Why’s that?”

“What?” James asks.

“You’re dating him,” Evan says. “So what’s your problem there?”

“Uh...”

“See, we talked to Dorcas,” Barty continues, not giving James any break to collect his thoughts for a sensible reply to the quick jumps in conversation. “Asked what she knows, since she gets some information from McKinnon. You don’t do casual sex, right?”

James is in fact starting to long for that escape route. “Right...”

“So what’s it then? You’re being casual about Reggie?”

“I– no, that’s not how this works.”

“Then how does it work?”

James actually has no idea how to reply to this. How does it work? If he was dating Regulus he’s sure something would have happened by now. Maybe not after the truth or dare game, simply because all their friends were in the room over, but surely they would have kissed like that more than just once. James would have wanted to kiss Regulus like that all the time, and considering he was very close to hoisting Regulus up and transferring their love bite attempts to his bed back then already, he has no doubts it would have led further in this hypothetical scenario. “It’s just not really been the right time so far,” he mumbles instead. “I don’t really want to have to justify myself over this though, honestly. It’s my relationship.”

“It’s also Regulus’ relationship, though,” Barty points out. “And he clearly needs more from it.”

“Does he?” James asks perplexed.

“We expect you to treat him well,” Evan says without answering James’ question. “So you better get onto that.”

“I don’t think I’m not treating him well...” James would like to believe he treats Regulus very well, all things considered. He’s doing as much as he can without Regulus feeling like James is trying to fulfil his own fantasies all the time. Even though Regulus did call him out on it once before. James would be lying if he said he’s not at least a tiny bit embarrassed about how well Regulus clocked him after James lent him his Quidditch jumper. Not that he has any regrets about it. The sleepy morning selfie Regulus sent him wearing it was far more than enough to make it worth it.

“Maybe, but you should be–” Evan gets interrupted by the door behind him opening by a rather unimpressed looking Regulus.

“Are you done interrogating my boyfriend yet?” he asks, and James’ heart skips a beat again. It doesn’t matter how fake this is. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get over Regulus calling him his boyfriend, not in a way that doesn’t leave his heart racing and his lips twisting into a dopey grin.

“Not quite yet, give us another minute,” Barty says. “We haven’t gotten to the threatening yet.”

“Then what the fuck have you talked to him about?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, the right time for you to figure that out will be soon enough.”

James doesn’t miss the implications behind Barty’s words. He doesn’t like them. For once he actually feels rather uncomfortable with how his sex life, or the lack thereof, is being handled. That people he meets during nights out expect their day to end with James shagging them he’s gotten used to; he probably does set himself up for having to break those expectations with the way he is around people. It doesn’t matter if he drops early into conversation that he’s there for a fun evening at the pub and nothing more. Too often it’s still expected he changes his mind once they dance too closely or for too many songs or end up making out somewhere off the side to the dance floor. He’s accepted that he has to deal with that if he doesn’t want to give up on flirting and being physically affectionate with people. But that he’s now met with expectations on someone else’s behalf for what he does with them? He hates it. It’s none of Barty’s or Evan’s or anyone’s business when or why not James is going to have sex.

“It’s alright,” he says, and his voice comes out colder than he expected, the words clipped, “We can skip the threatening part. I can fill in the missing pieces perfectly by myself.”

Barty’s eyebrows rise up and Evan looks ready to argue, but in the end it’s Regulus who speaks up. “Excellent. I was starting to get bored out there by myself.” And he reaches past Evan, expectantly holding a hand out for James to take.

James isn’t very gentle when he shoulders past Evan. He doesn’t care, though. They deserve to know James is upset about this.

He’s sure neither of them meant any harm by what they’ve said, convinced they were only looking out for their best friend. That doesn’t mean James wouldn’t have expected especially Barty to somewhat get what he was doing with his comments, considering he’s probably gotten similar ones about his relationship to romance. It makes it feel all the more dismissive, somehow.

Regulus throws a glance over his shoulder, clearly silently communicating something, because Evan and Barty are slow to follow. He pulls James behind the kitchen counter, making an act of pouring himself and James something to drink, then asks, “Did they say something stupid?”

“Just insensitive,” James says, still a little too clipped. He doesn’t want to be upset at Regulus, he’s just not figured out how to get his emotions back in order.

“Do I need to have a word with them?”

James shakes his head.

Regulus pushes a glass of something deep red in James’ direction and gives a small acknowledging nod. “You know you could’ve called me honey there, right?”

It takes James a second to figure out what Regulus is talking about. It’s enough to distract him from his irritation, so when he replies his voice feels more normal again. “It honestly didn’t even cross my mind.” And even if it had, James doubts he would have said it. Asking for Regulus to come to his rescue would have felt like giving up a fight he is perfectly capable of leading himself. No matter the fact it wasn’t even a fight to begin with.

“Alright,” Regulus says. “Sorry they felt the need to have a talk with you at all.”

James sighs. “It’s not your fault. I’m glad they care enough about you to be a dick to me about it.”

“It’s unnecessary and overbearing.”

“I mean this is supposed to be your first proper relationship.” James hasn’t forgotten about this fact. He still feels pretty bad about it. About having robbed Regulus of a proper first experience. “I’m sure they’ve just been building up for this since your school days.”

Regulus snorts. “They’re certainly still acting like teenagers, that’s for sure.”

“Is it safe to join you again?” Barty calls then and Regulus looks at James for an answer.

He nods. He isn’t intending on ruining this movie night for any of them, and the bubbling upset inside him has simmered down enough to be easily ignored by now.

“No one’s stopping you,” Regulus says, despite clearly having been the one to stop his friends from doing so earlier.

When Barty and Evan walk back into the living area, their eyes immediately fix on James. “You good?” Evan asks with a small frown.

James gives a nod. “I’m good. Sorry for ruining your well laid out threatening plans.”

Besides him Regulus gives a displeased huff, but James ignores it.

“Maybe we’ll make good on that some other time,” Barty suggests.

If the food delivery didn’t choose that moment to ring the doorbell, James is sure Regulus’ displeased huff would have turned into a string of displeased words instead.

 

—

 

Regulus had known there was no way they would be watching Crimson Peak today. James might have found himself enjoying that film, and Evan and Barty weren’t going to let him get off the hook that easily. Especially not after their failed attempt of sufficiently intimidating James earlier. He hasn’t asked what they talked to James about, despite very much wanting to know. James’ expression when he had left the room had been chilling, if maybe only for the fact that Regulus had gotten so very used to seeing his smile all the time, so the lack thereof in combination with his cold voice was a stark contrast. Whatever it had been about, James seems to have gotten over it, now joking around with Evan, the two of them sitting on the floor while Barty and Regulus are sharing the sofa, each of them a pizza box on their lap.

Regulus is only just over halfway through his pizza when Barty finishes his last piece. He looks hungrily at Regulus’ pizza, but he gives him a warning look. Just because Barty eats too fast doesn’t mean Regulus is going to share.

Barty sighs dramatically in defeat and pushes the empty box away from himself. “Good thing Potter brought so many snacks. This pizza was far too small.”

James looks up at the mention of his name, the spark from whatever anecdote he was telling Evan about still in his eyes before it yields to one of being impressed. “You ate fast,” he notes.

“Well, I wasn’t talking the entire time. Gave me plenty of time to eat,” rebuts Barty. “Do you ever shut up?”

James gives a lopsided grin. “When the need arises, sometimes.” Or when he’s feeling like shit, Regulus recalls. He’s not going to forget about that evening in James’ flat. The uncomfortable silence around James. “I’m not the best with silences.”

“Who would’ve guessed...” Evan teases.

“You’re one to talk,” Barty chides him.

“Literally,” Regulus adds deadpan.

“Hey!” Evan complains. “I never said I don’t talk a lot. I’m just saying, it’s pretty obvious James prefers me over you, considering I’m not objecting him to all that silence.”

Regulus glares at Evan.

“Okay now maybe don’t get ahead of yourself,” James interjects. “I don’t mind being silent with Regulus.”

“Yeah, bet you don’t,” Evan says, wiggling his eyebrows. James playfully swats at him.

“Excellent news,” Barty says, which feels like an unfitting reply until he continues, “Then I’m suggesting we’re watching Hush today.”

“Oh, you’re evil.” Evan’s entire face lights up.

“What about the other one? Crimson Peak?” James asks.

“I told you after food movie plans change,” Evan says happily. “It’s after food for Barty. Movie plans have changed.”

“You’re being mean,” Regulus tells Barty. He hasn’t seen the movie yet, but he knows the premise of it. A horror film will already be bad enough for James. But a horror film in combination with silence, which already leaves him anxious half the time? Oh, James is not going to survive that.

James looks back and forth between them all, brows furrowed. “What am I missing here?”

“Let’s just say, I’m trying to give you plenty reasons to hold Regulus’ hand tonight. Not that you’d need any,” Barty grins.

James looks at Regulus, a silent question in his wide eyes. Are you okay with that?

Regulus rolls his eyes. Not as if that was something they agreed on from the very beginning. Not as if Regulus hadn’t literally held his hand this very evening already. James’ concern could be cute, if it didn’t annoy Regulus so much. He just wants James to hold his hand, to pull him close, to kiss him without feeling the need to check back with him first.

“Hand holding would be a lot easier if we could actually figure out where to sit for this film,” Regulus notes.

“I have nothing against the two of you sitting on each other, you don’t have to shield us from the sight of such scandalous PDA,” Evan says.

It’s awful how Regulus can instantly feel himself blushing. A movie is a long time to be sitting on James’ lap. He’s about to tell Evan he can sit on Barty’s lap instead, when James says, “I mean, if you don’t mind I’m fine with that.”

Regulus’ face gets another degree warmer.

“Great,” Barty grins. “If that’s settled you guys should really finish your pizza so we can start that movie.”

 

Regulus would like to have it on record that he did not choose this life, it very much chose him.

He is sitting on James’ lap, half nestled into his chest, with James’ arms wrapped securely around his midriff. It is incredibly difficult to focus on whatever’s happening on the screen because every time something tense or creepy or violent is happening, (which, incidentally, is just about every damn minute of the hour that’s passed so far), James’ grip around him tightens, pulling him closer. When it gets particularly bad he hides his face in Regulus’ shoulder, or presses it into his hair.

Regulus is hyper aware of every breath James releases against the back of his neck. Of all the points their bodies are touching. Of the fact that Regulus’ ass is pretty much pressed against James’ groin, the awareness of which is doing incredibly inappropriate things to his sanity, especially considering he is currently watching people get murdered. Honestly, he is glad it’s a horror film they’re watching, because there is no way James can’t feel his heartbeat and the way it is absolutely running away from him. At least like this he has an excuse for it.

If he concentrates enough he can also feel James’ heartbeat where his chest is pressed against Regulus’ back. Unsurprisingly it also beats hard and fast. Regulus is trying not to read into that too much.

Somewhere he had once read that for a first date you should watch an action movie, not a romantic one, because the body could not differentiate whether the accelerated heartbeat was due to romantic feelings for your date or due to the heightened adrenaline from the movie. He has no idea if there is anything to it, but if there is, he thinks, the chances of James developing feelings for Regulus after all are starting to actually look up.

James squeezes him again and Regulus lets out a tiny noise of despair over his whole predicament.

“I hate this,” James whispers into his shoulder, and Regulus thinks he would like to agree with the statement. “I need my phone, Reg can you–”

“Hey now, don’t distract yourself by going on your phone during the movie, that defies the point,” Evan complains.

“I won’t,” James says. “I need to google this film and read a summary of the plot, I cannot deal with the tension.”

“Put on your big boy Gryffindor pants, Potter. Where’s your bravery?”

“Currently being overshadowed by my empathy for the main character.”

“The movie is literally called Hush, can you maybe shut up?” Barty huffs annoyed. Regulus is too focussed on his shirt having ridden up slightly at the hem and James’ fingers now pressing right into the skin inches above his hipbone. Otherwise he might have pointed out to Barty that he is the one who insisted on inviting James for horror night. He should have known he’d not get through it without talking.

“You’re not the one who has to deal with living in a flat by himself,” James grumbles, but keeps it at that and goes to back to watching the movie in silence apart from the occasional whine at the screen.

His hand doesn’t move back above Regulus’ shirt again.

 

—

 

“That was fun!” Barty says as soon as the credits roll.

“What is wrong with all of you,” James says aghast. “Why would you do this to yourself?” Truly, he doesn’t remember the last time he’s watched anything he’d enjoyed less. His heart is still racing and he’s feeling so incredibly on edge, the only reason he’s as calm as he is (which is not calm at all) is because Regulus is still sitting on his lap and working as both a weighted blanket and a stress ball. James should probably let go of him now. He can’t imagine it could’ve been comfortable for Regulus, the way James kept squeezing him. But also, James is not ready to let go of him yet. Honestly, he doesn’t think he’s going to be ready for that any time soon, seeing as he’s already feeling paranoid with people around him. He doesn’t want to imagine what that’s going to be like once he’s lying at home in his own dark bedroom.

“Getting to be scared in a controlled environment is enjoyable,” Evan answers James’ question. “Bit of an adrenaline rush without having to fear for your life? Why wouldn’t you want that?”

“That’s what I go flying for,” James says. “I don’t need to watch people get psychologically and also actually tortured for that.”

“Reg, you’re being awfully quiet, where’s your input on the movie?” Barty asks then.

Evan snorts. “Wanna bet Reggie was too busy getting comfortable on James’ lap to focus on the movie?”

James can feel himself getting a little warmer. Somehow he hasn’t even thought about this, too stressed about the movie to consider that it entailed Regulus sitting on his lap, and not just the movie night typical cuddling and layer of protection from scary scenes. The realisation is hitting rather violently now and he would really rather not have Regulus sitting on his lap for that. He tries to move inconspiciously below him to bring at least a tiny bit of space between the two of them.

“I focussed on the movie just fine,” Regulus says indignantly. “I don’t like that she pet her white cat at the end with bloody hands. That’s ought to stain.”

“Ah yes,” Barty hums, “The important details.”

Regulus shifts his position to glare at Barty, and James is getting that little bit more uncomfortable. If he doesn’t move soon his body will remember just how unfairly attractive and right there Regulus is and make him aware of it. “Sweetheart, would you mind getting up?” James asks, “I’m gonna have to go use the bathroom.”

Regulus immediately jumps up and James feels several degrees colder. He wants Regulus back cuddled against him.

“Thanks babe,” he says regardless and when he gets up leans over to give him a quick peck on the cheek. Because Evan and Barty are there and Regulus told him to treat him like his actual boyfriend.

Like last time, the kiss leaves a pretty blush behind and James with the need to kiss him some more.

 

When James returns from the bathroom a while later Evan and Barty are sitting alone on the sofa.

“Where did Regulus go?” James asks confused.

“Oh, he went to his room for a moment, said to send you there too when you get back,” Barty explains.

James frowns, entirely not sure what to expect of this, but follows Regulus’ wishes anyway.

Regulus’ bedroom door is closed, so when he gets there he knocks and calls through the door, “It’s James.” He’s gathered how much Regulus cares about his private space; he’s not going to invade that unannounced just because Regulus said he wants to speak with him.

There is a moment of pause, then Regulus’ voice. “Come in.”

James steps into the room and pulls the door closed behind him again. Regulus is kneeling in front of an open cabinet, a big binder in front of him, carefully leafing through its content on the search for something. When James comes into the room he pauses and looks at him. “What do you need?”

“Uh,” James says. “Nothing.”

Regulus frowns, clearly displeased with the reply.

“Barty told me you wanted to talk to me?” James supplies.

The frown only deepens. “I don’t,” he says. “Barty asked me to find him one of the letters our landlord sent us. Insisted he needs it tonight, hence me trying to find it now. I don’t know what he’s talking about.”

It is then that there is a telling click behind James and they both turn to look at the door.

Regulus is the one who puts the pieces together first. In three strides he is at the door, rattling at the handle the doesn’t budge one bit. “Barty what the fuck,” he hisses through the closed door.

“You’re welcome,” Barty calls back.

“James, give me your wand,” Regulus says without turning away from the affronting door.

“What?”

“Your wand. Give it to me.”

“What about your wand?”

Regulus lets out an annoyed huff. “I left in on the coffee table. I didn’t think I’d need it in the two minutes it would take to get the stupid letter for Barty.”

“Oh,” James says. “I didn’t bring my wand. It’s still at home.”

That does make Regulus turn to him. “What the fuck?” he looks absolutely bewildered. “Who the fuck doesn’t take their wand with them when they leave the house? What’s wrong with you?”

James shrugs helplessly. “I forgot.” Maybe if all his clothes had pockets that perfectly fit his wand he wouldn’t forget to take it so often. But if he doesn’t have to leave his house and apparate somewhere it often enough slips his mind to take it at all.

Regulus lets a noise of annoyance escape, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “Barty!” he calls again. “This is fucking ridiculous, open the door!”

“Will do,” Barty promises. “It’s a timed spell, it’ll undo itself in the morning.”

“Undo it now, James has a Quidditch training to get to.”

“Yeah, but I don’t have that until tomorrow afternoon,” James points out.

Regulus glares at him. “Will you shut up? I’m trying to get us out of this.”

“Well,” Barty says, and there is an obvious smirk in his voice, “James doesn’t have his training until the afternoon, so you have plenty of time for some right moments.”

It is then that it finally clicks for James what Barty is trying to achieve here. What he had meant a couple hours ago about there soon enough being a right moment for Regulus to find out what the conversation between them had been about.

“I’m not going to have sex with you,” James says to Regulus rather startled upon his sudden realisation.

Regulus’ glare only gets sharper. “I fucking know.”

“No, I just mean...” James awkwardly runs his hand through his hair, trying to sort out his thoughts. “This is a setup. Your friends are trying to set us up because I told them it hadn’t been the right time yet for us to sleep with each other. I think they’re hoping some forced proximity will do the trick since you apparently need it so badly.”

Regulus’ cheeks have turned a violent shade of red. “I don’t need–”

“I know, I know,” James interrupts quickly, talking quietly enough that he hopes Barty and Evan won’t be able to understand him through the door. “I was paraphrasing their words. I know they were playing it up and also have clearly wrong impressions about what’s going on with us. It’s fine, it doesn’t matter.”

Regulus is still blushing furiously, his lips pressed together hard enough that James doesn’t think he’s going to reply any time soon.

“Barty,” James calls instead. “You can’t just lock us in here. What if we need to use the loo?”

There’s a murmuring on the other side, an array of curses, then Barty saying, “I didn’t consider that, sorry.”

“What do you mean sorry?” James calls aghast.

“I actually don’t know how to undo the spell,” Barty calls back. “Again, it’s a timed one. Modified Colloportus. It should wear off in probably seven hours.”

“It’s a Colloportus,” James huffs. “That’s a first-year spell. You’ve got to be able to modify Alohomora in some way to unlock this door again.”

First rule James has learned pranking in school was to never use a spell for a prank for which at least one of the Marauders hasn’t perfected a counter spell. They’ve had weeks in which they had to tinker around with incantations and wand movements after they had already perfected their pranking plans, just so they could undo everything should something go seriously wrong. One prank in which they got Peter into the infirmary for nearly a full week because one of their spells backfired and they hadn’t prepared for the counter-spell was enough to ensure they invested the needed time from that point on.

A hushed conversation between Evan and Barty follows. James only picks up pieces of it. (“I feel a bit bad about it, Bee.” “We had a goal.” “We gotta try, at least.”) James can’t quite make out what’s happening, but he’s starting to get hopeful again. Unlike Regulus, who has slid down on the wall, face buried in his hands.

“Look,” Barty calls again. “I’ll try to work on something, but I really can’t promise anything. If things get rough in there call me on my phone in case I don’t hear you scream and we blow up the wall or something.”

“We’re not blowing up the wall,” Regulus snaps.

James squares his jaw. Regulus is clearly not having a good time about this, so James will have to try to make the best of it regardless. “Thanks,” he says through the door. “Do hurry, though.”

“Will do,” Barty says. “Night night, Potter. Reggie.”

“Go to hell,” Regulus replies coldly.

James can hear Barty and Evan discussing something, but they’re walking away from Regulus’ room. Then there is a door opening and closing and James is pretty sure they’ve gone to Barty’s room to (hopefully) work on a counter spell.

James crouches down on the floor next to Regulus, gently tapping his arm. “Are you okay?” he asks softly.

Regulus gives a jerky nod.

“You know, I can sleep on the floor, it’s fine, I don’t mind. It’s just a night. It’ll be okay.”

“I’m not letting you sleep on my floor, James,” Regulus says sounding incredibly tense.

“Oh, okay.” James is trying to figure out where else he should sleep then. Maybe he could consider climbing out the window. But it’s the third floor, and he doesn’t feel quite confident he’ll make it down alive enough to find himself a different temporary sleeping place.

“I’m sleeping on the free side,” Regulus says. “I don’t care about your preferences here, it’s my bed.”

“Uh– what?”

Regulus looks up then and nods towards his bed. “You can sleep on the left, by the wall.”

James looks back and forth between Regulus and his bed. It takes a while before the words have properly registered in his brain. “I’m sharing your bed?”

“It’s one night, James, you don’t need to look so aghast at that. I’m not going to try to take advantage of you or something.”

“I didn’t think you were. I just didn’t... Well, honestly, I didn’t think you’d be comfortable with it. I didn’t think you’d even want me in your room, let alone your bed.”

Regulus leans his head against the wall with a dull thud. “I’d rather you weren’t locked in here with me. But as long as Barty doesn’t show up with a counter spell it’s not like I can do much about this situation now, is there?”

James shrugs helplessly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I’m still sorry. You’re clearly uncomfortable.”

Regulus doesn’t reply. Just grinds his teeth and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath, releasing it only slowly.

“You know,” James says lightly, “at least like this I won’t have to be alone at home worrying someone will break into my house to murder me and I don’t notice because I’ve mysteriously lost my ability to hear. I guess this is not all bad.”

A small smile teases Regulus’ lips, curling the corners of his mouth upwards ever so slightly. James is relieved to see it. Glad he managed to lighten the mood at least a little.

“It’s not quite sleeping time yet anyway,” James continues. “And maybe Barty will actually figure out how to undo his spell. Like, I cannot imagine it’s that difficult, he’s smart. So how about you tell me a little more about the Rilke poet?”

That gets Regulus to open his eyes. “Rilke?” he asks, surprised at the name coming from James’ mouth.

“I got a book of his poetry from the library a little while back. Forgot it at Sirius’ place for a couple days, eventually got it back from him and then read a bit. I can’t really say I’m much of a poetry person, honestly. I tried, but I don’t think I read them correctly. Also I couldn’t find the dog poem you mentioned.”

“It’s part of the Sonnets to Orpheus,” Regulus says. “I have a translation of them here, wait–” He gets to his feet and walks over to his bookshelf. After a moment of searching through the rows he pulls out a small book (from behind several other books, because apparently Regulus has too many to store them in only one single row per shelf) and, flipping through it, walks back to James. “I don’t remember which one it was, give me a moment...”

James watches Regulus skim the pages until about a quarter into the book he finds what he’s looking for. “Here,” he says, flattening the page and holding the book out to James.

“Do you want to read it to me?” James asks. He’s not very hopeful Regulus will agree to it, but it’s worth a try nonetheless.

For a moment Regulus gives James a scrutinising look, before he shrugs. “Alright,” he says. “But you have to stay quiet while I read.”

James nods. As if he’d want to do anything but stare at Regulus and listen while he is reading poetry to him.

Regulus reads, and it’s beautiful. James is very much staring at his lips, the way his tongue flicks across them before he reads a verse, the way the corners of his mouth lift a little in a smile as he reads, the way he shapes the words, perfectly enunciated in a rhythm and melody James would not have found reading for himself.

By the end of it he still doesn’t understand it. Doesn’t really get how this is about a dog. He supposes if he squints he can make it about an animal, although he can’t really fault Regulus’ professor for insisting this is about something completely unrelated either.

He of course doesn’t say that when Regulus looks at him expectantly.

“You read really beautifully,” James tells him instead. “It sounds like a song when you read it.”

“I suppose that’s why they’re Sonnets for Orpheus. For the melodious part,” Regulus hums.

“I don’t think I understand this poem,” James admits.

“That’s alright,” Regulus assures him. “Rilke also wrote several poems that are very obvious about what they mean. He more or less invented a whole new poetic form about that. I can recommend you some of those poems instead, if you want?”

“I definitely wouldn’t say no if you wanted to read me some of them too,” James says with a warm smile.

Regulus’ gaze gets caught on him for several seconds, before his cheeks flash a pretty pink again and he looks away. “I suppose I don’t have anything better to do right now,” he says eventually.

 

In the next hour Regulus reads him several more poems, and makes James read some as well. James does understand these ones a whole lot better. They’re pretty, even prettier when Regulus starts reading some of them in the original French as well. By the end of it James has found a new appreciation for poetry and is on the verge of developing some sort of voice kink. It’s really rather embarrassing and he’s trying not to think about it too much.

Afterwards, Regulus pushes one of the poetry books and a novel into James’ hand, instructing him to read both as part of their deal. When James looks at him puzzled, Regulus reminds him that James had promised to read his favourite books, and this is where he has to start for now. James accepts the task with a smile and a promise that he will try to get through them as fast as he can, attached with a warning that that’s still going to be very slow because he is bad at reading.

“That’s fine,” Regulus promises. “As long as you don’t lose my books and give them back to me eventually, you can take your time. I trust you that you’ll take care of them.”

It makes something hot bloom in James’ chest and he can’t help but beam at Regulus.

It’s another twenty minutes in which James has started reading Regulus’ novel leaning against the foot of his bed, and Regulus has continued reading a different book lying on top of his bed, before Regulus groans.

“What?” James asks looking up curiously.

“Barty just texted,” Regulus explains, looking down at his phone. “He’s apparently giving up with the counter spell and going to sleep.”

“Oh,” is all James has to say to that. Honestly, he had forgotten they were waiting for James to be able to leave at all. He’d gotten so comfortable in this room that his subconscious had just decided this was their plan all along. “That sucks...”

Regulus sighs. “I really don’t like that I can’t go to the bathroom before going to sleep. I want to take a shower and brush my teeth.”

James notices that he and his presence in Regulus’ room aren’t part of what Regulus is upset about. It makes him feel awfully chuffed about himself.

“You can just do that extra much tomorrow,” James suggests. “You’ll be fine for the night.”

Regulus gives the locked door another long look, unease written all over his face. “It’ll be fine...” he mumbles. “I am actually getting rather tired. I think I’d like to go to sleep, if you don’t mind.”

James nods in agreement. “That’s fine,” he says. “We can go to sleep now.”

 

It’s only when he tries not to watch Regulus change out of his clothes into a grey, loose-fitting shirt and plaid pyjama shorts that James’ heart is starting to act up again. Because he doesn’t have pre-destined clothes to sleep in. He’s going to have to improvise somehow. And he’s going to have to share a bed with Regulus.

“Uhm, can I borrow back the shirt you borrowed from me?” James asks. “I’ll sleep in that and can put these clothes back on tomorrow?”

“Yeah, it’s–” Regulus interrupts himself, clearly having decided getting up and finding the shirt for James is easier than trying to explain where James can find it himself. It takes only a moment before Regulus pulls it out of his wardrobe. It looks funny in there, a very obvious bright speck of colour between the black and white and muted greens. James finds he’s quite fond of the view.

Regulus wordlessly hands him the shirt, then climbs back into bed, watching James still with that little frown creasing his forehead.

James feels too awkward to ask him to look away while he changes. It’s not like Regulus hasn’t seen him half naked before, after all. So instead he tries not to focus too much on the fact that Regulus is watching him as he pulls his day shirt over his head and replaces it with the improvised sleeping shirt, and then swiftly steps out of his jeans, leaving him in just his boxers.

He usually doesn’t really bother with folding his clothes for the night, he’s either going to put them on the next day or put them in the wash anyway, so it just feels like an unnecessary step. But this is Regulus’ room, and Regulus very clearly cares about his order, so James neatly folds his clothes and, along with his glasses, sets them aside by the foot of the bed where he hopes Regulus won’t mind them.

As he crawls up on the mattress James could swear he can hear his own heartbeat hammering away in his ears. This is the most intimate thing he’s done in quite a while. Not that it’s been all that long since he’s shared a bed with someone, but it’s never been Regulus, and that makes all the difference.

Regulus has found him his own blanket, already waiting on his side of the bed. (His side of the bed, James’ mind repeats a little shrilly.) It doesn’t surprise James that Regulus would insist on having his own blanket. It would have surprised him more had he wanted to share with James. Still, James can’t deny that he isn’t at least a tiny bit disappointed that they won’t be forced to cuddle underneath one blanket to stay warm during the night.

Regulus looks over at him. Watches him settle into the bed and then keeps watching him for a moment longer, eyes trailing across James’ face in a way that makes him blush a little. “Thanks for letting me stay,” James says softly, turning on his side to look at Regulus properly.

“It’s not really like I had much of a choice,” Regulus replies.

James supposes he didn’t. “Still,” he insists. “You’re being nice about it, and I appreciate that.”

Regulus pulls his own blanket a little closer up under his chin. “It’s alright,” he says, and then even quieter he adds, “Goodnight, James.”

Before James gets the chance to reply, Regulus turns away from him, turning off the light on his nightstand, and then rolls up into a tight ball with his back to James.

 

—

 

Regulus can’t sleep. He can’t stop thinking about his locked door. About the fact that he cannot leave this room. About how much this reminds him of back at home at Grimmauld Place.

He knows he isn’t there. Knows his mother isn’t going to hurt him. Knows even better that Barty and Evan aren’t going to do that either. He knows them locking him and James up in this room was merely teasing and trying to get Regulus laid, just as Barty had told him he’d try to help him out. He knows this, but his body doesn’t.

He’s anxious and on full alert, trying to listen to any noises of the room, tensing up whenever his upstairs neighbours walk around in their flat or when he can hear Evan or Barty snore in Barty’s room or even just when outside a car is driving by or a drunk shouting something down the street. It all merges into what it used to be. Kreacher walking around the attic. The paintings in the hall murmuring to update each other about how Regulus has messed up this time. The traffic outside Grimmauld Place mocking him for being stuck in a world and a place he does not want. His parents shouting at each other, arguing loudly about what a failure Regulus turned out to be, too, in the end.

The only thing keeping him marginally sane is James’ presence in this room. Regulus tries to focus on James’ breathing, listens to focus on the pattern that still hasn’t evened out, telling him that James is also still awake. It’s the only thing that feels clearly different from back at home.

When Regulus got locked in his room he had always been alone. He’s not alone now, which means he can’t be back in his room at Grimmauld Place. Every time he feels himself slipping into memories that feel a little too real, that make him freeze, locking him inside his own mind, he focusses on James.

If James is here, this cannot be Grimmauld Place.

If James is here, this cannot be his mother’s doing.

If James is here then Regulus is alright.

Regulus doesn’t know how long he’s been lying in the dark, staring at his bedroom door, telling himself that he’s not in danger, when James whispers, barely a breath, “Hey Reg? You still awake?”

It takes a moment before Regulus manages to answer. “Yeah.”

“Oh,” James says. A pause. Then, “I keep thinking about that movie we watched. I know it’s stupid and it’s not real but every time I close my eyes I’m convinced someone’s opening your bedroom door.”

Bit of the opposite problem to what Regulus is experiencing. He wishes someone would open his door.

“I know this is really weird,” James continues quietly, “and you can obviously say no. But I’m just a little too on edge to sleep and I can’t afford not sleeping at the moment...”

Regulus twists around to look at James. There is enough light filtering in from the streetlamps outside for him to make out James’ expression. Wide, earnest eyes staring back at him.

“Do you think I could hold your hand? I know it’s silly, I just really think if I could feel that you’re here as well the horror film thoughts would feel less real...”

Regulus doesn’t even hesitate. He frees his arms from underneath his blanket and reaches out to James, searching for his hand. James’ skin is warm and soft and when they intertwine their fingers he gives him a little gentle squeeze that makes the tangle of anxiety in Regulus’ chest loosen the tiniest bit.

“Thank you,” James whispers into the dark.

Regulus just hums and turns to lie on his back.

He can still feel James watching him. He knows there will be another question before James is going to attempt to sleep again. Patiently he waits for it.

“Why can’t you sleep?”

Regulus wonders if he should tell James. He doesn’t like talking about how he’s still carrying the marks his family left on his being around with him. But, he supposes, of all his friends James would be the one who’d understand it easily. Not because he’s experienced similar; far from it. But he was the one who picked up Sirius when it was the worst. Who stayed with him when it kept being bad afterwards. Who Sirius goes to even now when it’s still not good. James must know, or at least assume, that it’s the same for Regulus. In the end he decides to answer the question. “I don’t like being locked up. Makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong and deserve to be punished for it.”

The grip around his hand tightens. “You’ve not done anything wrong,” James says immediately.

“I know,” Regulus says. “But I’m struggling a little to differentiate between what’s real and what isn’t right now.”

“I’m sorry,” James says. It doesn’t sound like pity, which Regulus appreciates. “What do you need? How can I help?”

Regulus swallows down the dry laugh at James’ instant need to fix the situation. It’s not fair to laugh at him, considering he is already helping.

With his thumb Regulus taps the side of James’ palm. “This also helps me a little,” he admits. “You’re an irritant in my memories. It can’t be happening if you’re here with me.”

James stays quiet after that. The ensuing silence makes Regulus wonder if he shared too much after all. If he misjudged James’ reaction, maybe even misjudged how well Sirius is dealing with his past.

Finally, there is a tugging on his hand. “Come here,” James murmurs.

“What?”

“You can say no,” James says again, although now it sounds like an offer instead of a plea he’s being presented with to refuse, “but if I’m what’s keeping you from having flashbacks, then you shouldn’t. It used to help Sirius. Still does, sometimes, although I guess now it’s mainly Moony who is there at night for cuddles. So if you want–” another gentle pull on his hand “–then come here properly.” When Regulus looks at him to make sure he means what he’s saying, James is smiling at him. A pretty, lopsided thing with a hint of mischief in the corner of his lips. “Beneficial to both of us,” he says lightly. “I’ll stop thinking about home invading murderers and you’ll stop thinking about an even worse thing.”

“I don’t think my mother is worse than actual murderers. I’m very much still alive, after all,” Regulus mumbles. But he does push his blanket aside to make space between himself and James to shuffle into.

“And I’m very glad you are,” James says softly. He lets go of Regulus’ hand, only to wrap it around his waist to pull him closer until Regulus is lying half on top of him. “This okay?”

Regulus nods, his cheek rubbing against the fabric of James’ shirt. Tentatively he slides his own hand across James’ stomach, until it is tucked beneath his back, his arm securely wrapped around James’ middle. “Thanks,” Regulus says quietly.

“Mutually beneficial,” James repeats with a smile lining his voice. “Nighty night, sweetheart. Sleep well.”

“You too,” Regulus whispers. When he closes his eyes his mother is gone. All he can concentrate on is James’ heart beating fast underneath his ear and the steady rise and fall of his chest, slowly lulling him into sleep.

Notes:

very spoilery chapter warnings! :)

evan and barty are being insensitive about james being demi ace, making typical comments of vaguely expecting of james he sleeps with reg, but its not meant harmfully, just ignorant, and james does remove himself from this conversation
barty locks james and reg up in reg's room. reg is getting vague flashbacks about his home life at grimmauld place where his parents used this as a punishment and it makes him feel like he's done something wrong to justify a punishment. james comforts him and reg manages to keep his focus away from it

—

as you can tell i discovered a new formatting option on ao3 and it is very exciting!!
anyway!! chapter!! as ive said a couple times already, i really am very fond of this one. its also nearly 12k words which is really way too fucking many words for one chapter. now for the fun parts!!
- theyre so unbearably soft i love them so much. the way they just. have grown to exist around each other ;;;
- shoutout to my darling jaywalkers who gave me a very helpful timeline summary of hush because while it is one of approximately two horror films i have seen (was forced to watch on halloween several years ago) i could not remember the progression well enough adn refused to watch it again for research purposes. laurie i love you
- i was very surprised no one picked up on the sexting when i shared the snippet on tumblr!! barty and regulus have a very different texting speech and i thought someone would definitely pick up on that. the too many lines, the missing periods and apostrophes, the, well, sexting... but very fun i enjoy this being more of a surprise! love to aster specifically who did guess it last chapter :)
- i translated the aforementioned sonnet to orpheus into english because i couldnt find a translation on the internet that i was pleased with. my translation is also definitely not perfect considering im not a professional poetry translater, but i tried my best, i shall put it right here for anyone who wants to read

Sonnets to Orpheus - Part 1 - XVI (Rainer Maria Rilke)

You, my friend, are lonely, for ...
We make, with a word or a finger-sign
gradually the world our own over time
though maybe it's weakest, most dangerous core

Who points with fingers at a smell? -
But of the forces that were to us a threat
you feel many... you know the dead,
and you are frightened by the spell.

See, now it's time to together bear
pieces, as if it's the entirety.
To help you is difficult, but especially:

don't plant me in your heart. Too fast I grow.
But my Lord's hand I want to lead and swear:
Here. In his pelt this is Esau.

with that i release you and shall see you whenever the next chapter happens!! i hope you enjoyed this just as much as i did <333

find me on tumblr

Chapter 16: I Guess We Could Pretend We Didn’t Cross A Line

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Kaleidoscope by Chappell Roan

warnings for this chapter

there's quite a bit of sexual content in this chapter. i will try to give a plot summary for this in the end notes if you want to skip it

i also wrote the beginning of the chapter from james' pov because i needed it for myself to make james' actions more logical. it can be found here on tumblr and it doesn't much matter when you read it. i will also link it again in the end notes

For the first time in several weeks Regulus wakes up with an arm possessively slung around his waist and a hard dick pressing into his ass.

His bones still feel heavy, his mind still foggy from sleep, so when he pushes back against the erection, rolling his hips lazily, it is a purely automatic act. It feels good, even better when the arm around his waist tightens and the face pressed into the back of his hair dips lower, nuzzling into the space between his neck and shoulder. He’s content where he is; a pleased, sleepy noise escaping him when he grinds against his nightly partner again.

It isn’t until his partner moans quietly, hips meeting Regulus’ movements and the hand around him finds its way underneath Regulus’ shirt, that Regulus’ brain is gradually starting to do its job.

It comes to him a little too slowly, hindered more by the dick rubbing against his ass distracting him. But when the memory of the previous night finally makes its way into his mind, it drops hard.

“Fuck.” The word is punched out of Regulus in one single breath and then he is properly awake.

That is James he’d been grinding against. James who is still holding onto him in his sleep. James who is very clearly aroused in Regulus’ bed.

Regulus is trying to scramble away from him but all he manages is to twist around enough to now be able to see dark messy hair falling across closed eyes. The grip around him isn’t loosening in the slightest, but the frantic movement now startles James awake as well.

The skin on Regulus’ face feels like it’s going to burn itself off, so embarrassed he is about what he was doing in his half-asleep state.

James seems to not have woken up enough yet for that same realisation. He’s yawning, then blinking a lot until finally he squints at Regulus. “Morning, beautiful,” he slurs, his voice deep and rough from sleep and making Regulus want to get his arse right back where it had been before.

“Hi,” Regulus squeaks slightly panicked. James’ erection is still pressing hard into his thigh. It’s difficult not to notice. Harder yet to not think about.

With a grunt James lifts himself up ever so slightly, freeing the hand currently not residing under Regulus’ shirt from underneath his pillow. Propped up on his elbow he uses it to brush Regulus’ hair back behind his ear, and then simply continues trailing it across his skin, tracing his cheekbones, his jawline, the bow of his upper lip... All Regulus can do is stay very still and actively remind himself to breathe.

James’ fingers come to a halt, but he’s still close, closer than before, as he stares at Regulus’ lips with half lidded eyes. “I want to kiss you,” he mumbles, still with that rough voice half stuck in the previous night.

Regulus lets out a tiny whimper. This is too good, too much, too tempting for him when he’s also only just woken up. “You’re not properly awake yet, you’re not thinking clearly,” he croaks.

“Yeah,” James hums, then yawns again. “Still want to kiss you, though.”

Is James always like this right after waking up? Regulus is actually going to lose his mind. He has to clear his throat three times before he manages to form words again. “This is fake,” he reminds James as much as himself. “You’re pretending. I’m not your boyfriend. It’s not real.”

James lets himself fall down on the bed, turning to lay on his back and with that freeing Regulus’ from his tight hug at last. “I know,” he lets out a deep sigh. He finally looks like he’s woken up as well. He blinks several times, rubs with the back of his hand across his eyes, trying to focus his gaze but failing without his glasses. After several seconds of this he gives up, dropping his hand down on the bed. “Sorry for being so touchy, I didn’t mean to subject you to that.” He frowns as he stares at the ceiling, worry lines appearing on his forehead. “I hope I didn’t get too handsy last night.”

Regulus swallows hard. He doesn’t remember, considering he was also very fast asleep, but he doubts it. “You’re good, it’s all good,” he says still a bit too high pitched for his likings.

“Mm,” James hums. “Guess I just haven’t gotten my normal quota of physical affection in a while, got to me a bit I think.” He pauses, then turns his head to smile teasingly at Regulus. It’s a little too wide, almost self-deprecating when he says, “It’s been four weeks since you kissed me, Reg, I’m getting needy over here.”

Regulus can’t say anything. He doesn’t know how to deal with this morning-James. Is it teasing? Is it honesty? Is it just wanton desire aggravated by the fact that they’re lying too close in one bed? Regulus can still feel the lingering touches of James’ fingers across his ribs and on his lips. He cannot think. There’s only so much space in his brain left and he needs that to remind his lungs how breathing works.

“Sorry,” James says when the reply still doesn’t come and the smile falls off his face again. “But for the record, ‘cause I haven’t told you before... I did like your kiss. ‘twas nice.”

And then Regulus is leaning forward and kisses him again.

It’s stupid. It’s a terrible idea. There is nothing he’ll be able to say afterwards to excuse this in the name of fake dating. But when James lets out a small, surprised noise, his hands flying out to hold onto Regulus’ hips gripping him hard, he can’t seem to care.

It’s nothing like the last time they kissed. There had been a very controlled space between them the last time, a careful exploration of boundaries, a gentleness holding back anything that might have been too much.

It’s all too much now.

Regulus’ legs get tangled in his blanket as he tries to climb on top of James and he kicks at it in frustration, until James reaches down and blindly frees him with one hand, before pulling him resolutely onto his lap. James is still hard, and when his erection presses up between Regulus’ legs he can’t help but moan loudly into the kiss.

It’s blinding and all consuming, the way James kisses him now. It’s all tongue and teeth, licking and biting and sucking at anything he can reach, a devouring in its entirety.

When Regulus testingly grinds down he is met with a groan and James’ hips jerking up to meet him.

Besides the glaringly obvious part Regulus is trying his best to ignore at the moment where he is in a pretend relationship, and there is nothing pretend about what they’re doing right now, Regulus has no idea if what he’s doing is crossing boundaries. It’s starting to get rather intense, tongues twirling around one another, James’ fingers underneath Regulus’ shirt digging into his back, Regulus’ boxers getting rather damp as his hips roll down into James. It’s probably too much for someone who only gets intimate with people he’s in love with. But James isn’t stopping, and this time there is no way Regulus will manage to stop either.

The next time Regulus grinds down it draws a long whine out of his throat. It’s not enough, the movement. He is already so close but he needs more friction and he needs it now. The kiss turns sloppy, Regulus getting too desperate to focus on it much as he pants a needy, drawn out “Please,” into James’ mouth.

James apparently understands immediately.

One of his hands hooks underneath Regulus’ leg, the other holds steadily onto his hip, and then he flips them around in one smooth motion, pinning Regulus beneath him. Regulus is pretty sure his heart stops beating for several seconds as he tries to look at James above him. His eyes keep going out of focus, his eyelids fluttering involuntarily.

He only gets a moment pause in which James is adjusting his position. One of his legs is between Regulus’, the arm underneath his knee pressing Regulus’ left thigh up against his chest, leaving him open and completely at James’ mercy. It’s dizzying, only made worse when James leans down to kiss him again and the movement rubs against Regulus in just the right way to make him jolt. “Fuck, James,” he moans.

James hovers inches above his lips, a kiss not yet given, and just looks at Regulus. It makes him feel watched, makes the blood rise in his cheeks, and he squeezes his eyes shut.

“No, look at me,” James murmurs and his voice is so soft it’s leaving Regulus breathless. He can’t open his eyes, though, not like this, not with James seeing him so completely.

James presses his leg harder against him, rubbing his thigh into him, only Regulus’ own clothes serving as a barrier between them. He bites back another moan, and then James repeats, “Come on, sweetheart, look at me.”

A whole body shiver goes through Regulus and with effort he manages to open his eyes to look up at James.

James, who, while he is still grinding his thigh against Regulus, smiles so sweetly it makes Regulus’ insides melt away, before he whispers, “There you go. Good boy.”

The upwards twitch Regulus’ hips give at the praise is honestly mortifying. “F– fuck,” he stutters out. He desperately reaches out for James, pulling him down and claiming his lips for another messy kiss.

His hands are all over James. Pushing underneath his shirt, dragging fingernails across his back, following the lines of the muscles of his stomach and chest, tangling in his hair and pulling and drawing moans out of James. And for every touch James leans into him, desperate to feel Regulus’ hands on him. Through it all he doesn’t stop kissing Regulus – his lips, his face, his hands, and mostly his neck, where he leaves another array of bruises that have Regulus squirming.

James is thorough, and he’s responsive, and he’s attentive. Maybe Regulus is too easy, too desperate for him, specifically, because James seems to have no problem reading every one of Regulus’ reactions correctly. All too soon he is a quivering mess, clawing at James’ back as he pants, “James, please, I need, I– fuck, please, I’m so close...”

“I know,” James reassures him and he sounds absolutely delirious, too, the words nothing more than a mindless ramble. “You’re doing so good, love, absolutely perfect for me. Merlin, you’re so – fuck – so beautiful, look at you.”

And that is enough to make Regulus’ abdomen tighten, the tension that’s been building inside him spilling over as it finally releases, and then he’s falling freely as he moans, James’ name on his tongue falling along with him over and over again.

 

—

 

James has died. That’s the only explanation for this, because underneath his hands is an angel singing his name.

Regulus is breathtaking as he comes, lips parted, eyes squeezed shut, head thrown back, his hair like a dark halo spreading out around his head. He is absolutely gorgeous and James is so fucked.

He hadn’t planned for this to happen and he hadn’t cared about that one bit while it was happening, too transfixed on Regulus to care about anything else, but now as he is slowly coming down again James is starting to feel awful.

He cares about Regulus. He cares about him so much, is very much head over heels in love with him, and would love nothing more than to do exactly what they just did again and again and again.

But not like this. Not with James harbouring all of his feelings for Regulus, and Regulus caring about this as merely getting off.

He doesn’t really think he overstepped, for the main part. Regulus was the one who started the kiss, and he was very vocal about how much he wanted James throughout all of this. That’s not what he feels bad about.

It’s rather his own feelings that are starting to resurface again. He just feels ... uncomfortable with himself. Hyper aware of his own body and his neglected erection straining his boxers. Regulus is wonderful, and James loves him, but their relationship is not at a point where James can feel comfortable with freely expressing his sexual wants. He wants Regulus, but he needs him in the confines of mutually expressed romantic feelings.

And now, with Regulus gorgeous and fucked out underneath him, James feels like he’s made a mistake.

The shaking in Regulus’ legs has stopped for the most part. Slowly he blinks his eyes open, his face flushed bright red, his hair mussed. When he looks up at James still hovering above him he bites his lip, his face if possible turning even redder. Underneath his gaze James feels caught, unable to move away. Regulus trails his eyes across James’ face, then lower, until they get caught on his waistband. “Let me...” he says, reaching a hand out, but James catches his wrist before he can touch him.

“No,” he says, shaking his head.

Regulus’ hand goes slack and he’s looking back up at James again, an unreadable expression on his face. “Oh,” he says. “I understand.”

“Sorry,” James mumbles, inexplicably feeling incredibly embarrassed about turning Regulus down. He lets go of him and sits back on his heels, finally bringing some space between them. A whole night of sleeping in each other’s embrace, and a morning of making out and getting each other off, and now there is a gaping chasm between them that’s leaving James uneasy.

Regulus nods stiffly. He scoots back on the bed to sit up, only widening the space between them.

James runs a hand through his hair. He’s not sure where to look. “I don’t think we should do that again...”

“Okay,” Regulus says flatly.

“I don’t mean–” James clears his throat. “I still meant what I said. About kissing you. I just don’t think we should be getting each other off again.”

“I mean, we didn’t. You didn’t get off.” There’s something harsh to Regulus’ voice. It makes James feel just a bit worse.

“No,” he agrees. “But you know what I mean.”

Regulus nods. “Fine,” he snaps, getting up. “Assuming Barty’s stupid spell wore off, I’m going to go take a shower now.”

James watches him, gnawing on his lower lip. Finally he can’t keep the words in any longer. “I hope you still enjoyed it, though.”

Regulus freezes in his motion of picking up clothes. “Sure, James,” he says eventually when he starts moving again. “It was fine.”

 

—

 

It hadn’t been fine at all. It had been fucking incredible, and Regulus is a bloody liar for even pretending otherwise.

His bedroom door is luckily actually unlocked again. He couldn’t have dealt with having to stay in this room any longer. James had gotten him off so well and thoroughly Regulus had actually seen stars afterwards and his legs are still a little unsteady. He is fairly sure it wasn’t even because of what James did, but rather because it was James who did it. But of course, he then immediately had to follow that up by reminding Regulus how life usually goes for him.

He can deal with a rejection. He’s changed his mind on wanting sex often enough himself, it would be a dick move to blame others for doing the same. But a rejection from James is different. James had told him about this. About how the last girl he slept with he got off, and then he left because there were no feelings involved. Regulus should have expected it would go the same for him now.

James got his kiss, and Regulus got off, got a rejection and got a broken heart.

He doesn’t know why it hurts so much more now. He’s gotten nothing but rejections from James since he was twelve years old. He should be used to it by now. And yet, for a moment, it had felt as if maybe there was something else between them. For a moment, and then Regulus came down from his climax and opened his eyes.

The bathroom is locked when Regulus goes to enter it, meaning that either Barty or Evan have already gotten up as well. Regulus doesn’t want to go back to his room where James is still waiting in only a shirt and boxers, so instead he goes to sit on the sofa, only to think better of it when he remembers his rather soaked pants. Instead he just kind of hovers around the living area, finally retrieving his wand from the coffee table, and waits.

When Barty comes out of the bathroom and spots Regulus he does a double take. He silently gapes at Regulus for a good four seconds before his mouth stretches into a grin wide enough to show every single one of his teeth. “You’re very welcome,” he says with a mocking little bow, doffing an invisible top hat.

“I’m not going to say thank you to you,” Regulus says coldly. He hasn’t yet forgiven Barty for locking him and James in at all. And besides, James might have gotten him off (the memory makes Regulus’ insides flip violently enough that it punches a breath out of him) but it didn’t exactly go over well in the end. He hasn’t yet decided if the sex (can he call it that when they didn’t even take off their clothes? It sure felt like it) was worth the bitter aftertaste it left. Like, yeah, this very effectively fulfilled several of Regulus’ fantasies. But usually his fantasies end with a satisfied James pulling Regulus into his arms, not with James denying his advances because he doesn’t feel the affection he needs to feel in order to let Regulus touch him as well. 

“I think you should thank me at least a little,” Barty says, still grinning, unaware of Regulus’ conflicting feelings. “After all, you wouldn’t have gotten laid if I hadn’t made him stay. Was it good? How big is his cock?” 

“I’m not talking to you today,” Regulus decides. 

“Come on. Don’t be like that, Reg, I need the details!” 

Regulus doesn’t give him the details. Wordlessly he pushes past Barty into the bathroom, stubbornly ignoring all of his complaints. 

 

When Regulus comes back to his room after a very thorough shower James is sitting on the floor, fully dressed in last night's clothes, reading the novel Regulus gave him. The second Regulus steps foot in his room he closes the book and scrambles off the floor. “I’m gonna head home, I’ll shower there,” he says looking rather sheepish. 

Regulus nods in acknowledgement. 

James fidgets, weighing the book between his hands, moving up and down on the balls of his feet. “I don’t want this to be awkward,” he says finally. 

That’s going well for you so far, Regulus thinks. He doesn’t reply. 

“Look, I’m sorry I stopped. It really doesn’t–”

“What?” Regulus interrupts him. James is sorry he stopped. Not that they did anything to begin with. Just that he stopped. 

James runs a hand through his hair. “I know there’s– I mean, I didn’t–” he sighs in frustration. “I started a thing and didn’t bring it to an end and I don’t want you to feel like that’s somehow your fault.”

Regulus stares at him in disbelief. “You’re allowed to say no, James. You know that. Right?” 

“Of course,” James says defensively, but he is still fidgeting. 

“I’m not upset with you for not wanting to continue anything with me.”

“But you’re upset,” James states. Because he got Regulus’ defences so far down that Regulus completely failed at hiding any of his feelings afterwards. 

“I’m not,” he lies nonetheless. “This is just sex, James. It’s been a while since someone made me cum. No reason to be upset about it finally happening again.” 

James’ fidgeting stops, and then he just looks kind of dimmed. A shade less James. After a long pause he quietly says, “You know you don’t have to refrain from sleeping with other people just because you’re helping me out with this, right? It’s just a fake relationship. I don’t want to ruin your real relationships with this.” 

“I’m aware,” Regulus says. “Don’t worry about it.” He doesn’t mention that to him this means more than just a fake relationship. Doesn’t mention that for the past month he’s not even properly managed to look at other men. None of them could even marginally compare to James and the little Regulus is getting from him. 

Well, he’s gotten a lot more from him now…

“Okay,” James says. “That’s good.” He doesn’t sound particularly ecstatic about it. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Regulus says again. “It wasn’t anything to dwell on anyway.” What a fucking lie. He’s going to dwell on it so much. “Besides, this might be good,” he continues in the hopes of finally moving past it. “At least Barty and Evan will stay out of your hair now.”

“Why?” James asks confused. 

Regulus gives a wry smile when he replies. “They don't know you didn’t get off as well.” 

 

It’s only when James has left that Regulus notices the shirt draped over his desk chair. It laughs at him mockingly in its bright red, reminding him who it belongs to, and what happened the last time it was worn.

Regulus knows it is inevitable that the next time he gets himself off this shirt will be part of it. 

 

—

 

How do you fake date your crush of two years, sleep with him, and then pretend as if everything is normal? James needs advice. 

He needs to talk to Sirius so badly. Only he can’t, because this is his little brother. And because if James told him about what they got up to Sirius would roll his eyes and reply with ‘well, you are dating, I kind of figured you’d fuck eventually’. Because Sirius thinks this relationship is real when it isn’t. Because Sirius is the reason James felt the need to fake date Regulus in the first place. 

He realises it’s all very fucked up. 

It’s just sex, Regulus had said. Only there is no such thing as just sex for James. They got as far as they did because James is in love with Regulus. They didn’t get further because Regulus isn’t in love with him. 

He wonders if Regulus already put the pieces together. If the reason he was upset afterwards was because he realised James has feelings for him and did all those things with him anyway. He hopes that’s not the case. It would be a terrible time for those kinds of realisations. 

James tries not to think about it too much. He’s glad when he has to get to his Quidditch training, because at least it gives him ample opportunity to think of other things. 

“Did you see the expected schedule for the next line-up?” Morrings asks him afterwards when they’re back in the changing rooms after a very successful strategy training. “If you get signed with the Catapults your first games is most likely gonna be against the Magpies or the Wasps. That’s one intense match to start your new career with.”

James hasn’t seen the schedule yet. He’d been too busy with just about every other aspect of his life to keep proper track of it. He only played against the Montrose Magpies once before, and it had been an awful loss for James’ team. Of course, if he ends up playing with the Catapults his chances for a win are a lot higher, but it is still intimidating. The Wasps, on the other hand, he’s not played at all before, but he knows their play style and their fans and both are ruthless. He’s never had someone make a buzzing noise at him while he tried to hit a penalty shot, but he doesn’t imagine it’s a pleasant experience.

“At least it’ll still be the off season,” James reasons. “So I can freak out about that as much as I want to, it won’t matter overall. If they take me, that is.” It’ll still matter to him. If he messes up his first games with his new team that’s sure to leave a lasting impression, both with his teammates and the team’s fans. The idea alone that he could get a whole stadium of people to hate him for ruining a good match for their favourite team makes his stomach squirm uncomfortably.

“Well if they don’t take you,” Morrings says, “which, by the way, is super unlikely. Then you can join us probably against the Harpies. One of my ex-girlfriends recently joined the team so that’s gonna be interesting...”

That gets a snorted laugh out of James. “I don’t envy you. Are you still on good terms?”

Morrings grimaces. “Absolutely not. So we better win that match.”

“Well, I’ll be there supporting you one way or another,” James promises. “I have full faith in a Basilisks win.”

“Shut up, we’re a lower league team, the Harpies have won the cup several times, you know our chances are crap,” Morrings argues, but she’s grinning as she says it.

“Nothing like spite and holding a grudge to motivate you towards a win.”

“Winning to make a point in front of your failed relationship,” Morrings solemnly nods along, “The real reason to play Quidditch.”

 

James has a week left before his last match that will determine how he’s going to spend his future. This game is his last chance to prove himself and he knows he needs to use all the time he has to train and drill in all the strategy plays the Bournemouth Basilisks have drawn up. He knows this, and yet he cannot keep his mind focussed on Quidditch.

His thoughts keep wandering to Regulus. To how he had held his hand without question before falling asleep. To how he had curled into James, let himself be held and held him in return. To the sound of his breathing that had eventually lulled him to sleep, and to how warm he had been when he had woken up the next morning. To how beautiful Regulus looks with tousled hair and sleep still in his eyes. He keeps thinking about the way he kissed him, the feeling of his body on top of him, underneath him, the heat of his skin and the pressure of his nails along James’ back. About how Regulus had sounded, whining and moaning James’ name, and how he had looked when he had come, the most beautiful thing James has ever seen.

Mostly he thinks about the after. James turning him down and Regulus immediately turning cold and distancing. How awkward it had been to talk to him. The stilted goodbye, and the silence since.

He doesn’t know if this is him projecting; if it really is awkward between the two of them or if James is merely imagining things because he feels awkward about himself. Either way he doesn’t want it. Cannot bear the thought of losing the comfort he’s won with Regulus because of this. Which is why, despite supposedly having a completely full week, he decides he needs to do whatever it takes to move past the awkwardness.

James
hi
are you free toorrow?

For the next three hours James periodically checks his phone, to no avail. When it finally vibrates in his pocket he answers the incoming call before the first ring has ended. “Yes?” he pants into the receiver.

“I got the job!”

“What?”

“I got the job, Prongs! They just emailed me! I can start in two weeks!”

It takes far too long for James to realise that it is Sirius on the other end of the line, not Regulus. His first reaction is a pang of disappointment, and when he gets aware of it he instantly feels guilty about it. This is his best friend who’s calling. Moreover, his best friend bearing the best news he’s had in a while. It is that which finally shakes James back into himself.

“That’s incredible, I’m so happy for you!” James beams, genuine ecstasy for Sirius now finally setting in. “Tell me about it, where is it? Who do you work with? Is it the same kind of job as your last one?”

“It’s a really small shop,” Sirius immediately starts babbling, “there’s two other people working there. Purely motorcycle repairs, which is so much better than anything else, I’m so excited! They also offer home repairs, so I will have to travel around a little to get to people’s places and fix up their bikes, which is ironic, ‘cause it means I’m gonna have to drive a car now. Which I don’t like too much, but you know, I’ll deal with it. Although I guess I could maybe cheat a little and put an Expansion Charm on my sidecar and transport my tools like that...”

For the next fifteen minutes Sirius talks on and on about his new job, about all the ways this will be better than his old one, about his hopes for his co-workers, his working times, his tools, the types of bikes he’s most hoping to encounter. James doesn’t interrupt him, just lets him talk, with the occasional hum or excited exclamation or question about this or that detail Sirius mentioned. It’s beautiful, the way his excitement doesn’t wane through it all. Sirius had been doing bad for so long that until now James had forgotten just how joyfully excited his best friend could get.

“Peter also got back to me yesterday,” Sirius continues, “Really fun timing, honestly. He said he looked into the Gordon stuff and is pretty sure I could have a leg to stand on in court, but it would be kind of expensive probably, so I’m not going to do it. Especially not now when I have a new job. Which also just means that we can finally get serious with our prank on Gordon. I don’t care about the legal stuff if I can get my silent revenge on him, so we should really sit together and plan this properly.”

“I’d love to, honestly,” James says and hates how already he has to put a damper on Sirius’ recently regained good mood, “but I really think I’ll have to wait with this until after I’m through with my Quidditch stuff. Would you be upset if we push this back for another week?”

To James’ relief Sirius immediately replies, “Not at all. I might already use the time to brainstorm some more with Moony and Wormtail, but a good plan needs its ripening time anyway, so what’s another week or two?”

James smiles. “Excellent. If I end up having a brain cell over for thinking I’ll use it to attempt to come up with pranking plans as well.”

“Don’t hurt yourself, Prongs.”

“Don’t worry, my brain’s not as fragile as yours.”

Sirius laughs, loud and wild, and James thinks this must be three months of trapped away laughter finally being allowed to make acquaintance with the world.

“I love you,” James says. He feels it so heavy in his chest in that moment, an all-encompassing sensation seeping into every last of his veins.

“I love you too,” Sirius says. “I’m really excited to see your game on Sunday. And if you happen to be free before then and want to come over some time let me know.”

“I will,” James promises. “Wednesday for lunch?”

“Wednesday works for me,” Sirius agrees, and then immediately dives into all the things him and James should be doing that day.

James doesn’t stop smiling for the rest of the phone call.

 

When Sirius eventually hangs up James is still smiling at his phone, thinking of how much better things are going to get now that this part of Sirius’ life has evened out at last. That is how it takes him a moment to notice the text waiting for him.

Regulus
That depends on why you ask.

James’ smile slowly vanishes. For a brief moment he had forgotten about his strained relationship with Regulus. But now the feelings are back, Regulus’ lack of immediate agreement to meeting up a blunt stab into James’ lungs.

James
i was wondering if you wanna get food with me
or anything else really
im not picky

Regulus
Why?

James
i wnat to see you
alos eating is more fun with company
theres this persian place i wanted to check out for a while
iv youre feeling up for it

Regulus
Not your place?

Maybe subconsciously James had favoured a meeting somewhere else. Somewhere where they weren’t completely alone. Somewhere where they could pretend for the outside world. Somewhere where James couldn’t look at Regulus and think about kissing him, and taking him to bed, and kissing him some more.

James
i thought we might try something new ;)

Regulus
Alright.

James
neat!!!
ill pick you up after work

—

 

Regulus has no idea what James is playing at. Why he is now going out with him to dinner, to a restaurant, apparently. After Regulus agreed to the time he had asked for the name of the place, needing to check the menu before getting there to not be overwhelmed by the choices. After looking the place up he’s come to the conclusion that this isn’t just ‘a Persian place’, as James had put it, but a fucking fancy restaurant that Regulus could absolutely not afford for himself. So whatever James is planning here, it feels rather intense, especially considering not even forty-eight hours ago he had Regulus moaning his name. It’s all very confusing and Regulus has no idea what to make of it.

He needs to talk to someone, at least about some of this, even if he can’t tell the whole story.

In the end he calls Dorcas.

“Hi, Regulus?” she answers the phone after it rang about ten times.

“Dorcas. I need your help.”

“What’s wrong?” she asks, immediately slipping into her no-funny-business business voice.

“I think James and I might have had something like a fight,” Regulus says slowly. He doesn’t know how else to explain it without saying too much. “I think I made him uncomfortable and he left and now things are a bit weird.”

“Did you ask him about it or are you just assuming that things are weird?”

“I didn’t ask,” Regulus admits. “But it’s definitely weird. And now he asked me to join him for dinner at some expensive restaurant and I don’t know what to do with that.”

Dorcas stays silent for a beat too long and Regulus is sure if she was in the same room as him she would be looking at him with exasperation now. “What you do is you pick out a nice outfit and let your boyfriend take you out on a date,” she says eventually. “Clearly he’s trying to do a nice gesture to show you that everything is good between the two of you.”

There might be something to Dorcas’ words. Even if it’s not an actual date they’re going to, this does sound like something James would do. Forcing a good mood during a shared activity to steer clear of any negative feelings that might fester. It’s not something Regulus is used to, not even something he’s familiar with, but it would at least explain why James decided to ask him out for dinner.

After Regulus has stayed silent long enough Dorcas keeps speaking, “Stop doubting yourself, Reg. The two of you are clearly great together. James is obviously in love with you, he’s not going to let one thing ruin his relationship with you.”

“I don’t think he’s in love with me,” Regulus can’t help but confess. He knows James isn’t in love with him, as evident by how the previous day had gone. But this is as close as he will let Dorcas see into his thoughts.

“Just because he hasn’t told you yet doesn’t mean it’s not true,” Dorcas says. “Look, I’m not saying it’s fact, but James doesn’t look at you like someone who’s foreign to the concept of love. That man is smitten.”

“Sure,” Regulus mumbles quietly. He’s not going to disagree, but he’s most definitely going to be dismissive of the notion.

On the other side of the line Dorcas sighs. “Stop being so difficult. Having a fight with your partner isn’t the end of the world, Reg. Now go pick out an outfit and send me a photo of it and I’ll tell you if it needs improvement.”

“I know perfectly well how to dress myself,” Regulus mutters.

Still, after he’s hung up and gone through his wardrobe he takes a photo of himself in the mirror anyway and sends it to Dorcas with a question mark. Her reply comes barely a second later.

Dorcas Meadows
Very smart and appropriate for a fancy dinner date
Now add some more jewellery and unbutton your shirt a little
No reason to be so modest, use your good looks to your advantage
Seduce your boyfriend

Regulus replies with a very snippy Get lost. Right afterwards, however, he likes her message and follows her advice. James might not be his boyfriend, but he has eyes (albeit bad working ones), and if there’s a chance Regulus can distract him from whatever awkwardness is between them then he will take it.

 

James is late. It’s not surprising in the least, but Regulus is still anxious about it. He wonders if dressing up was too much, if he’s going to be overdressed and looking desperate for James to notice him. Several times he considers going to his room and changing, but every time he’s about to get up he thinks how embarrassing it would be if James chose that moment to finally show up. So he stays where he is, sitting on the sofa, ready to go, staring at the door to his flat, waiting for the doorbell to ring. Every couple seconds he checks his phone, waiting for a text from James telling him he’s changed his mind. It doesn’t come.

Instead there is a noise at the front door, a key turning in the lock, and then Barty walks into the flat. “Hi Reggie,” he says with a broad grin, “Look what I found on the street.”

And then behind him James walks through the door with a sheepish grin.

Regulus is definitely not overdressed, judging by James’ outfit. He looks unfairly good. His hair looks soft and wind-tousled, his glasses crooked on his nose. He’s wearing a mostly unbuttoned red button-down shirt over a white tee accentuating all of his muscles far too well. His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows exposing his forearms that Regulus is most definitely staring at. And despite the loose fit of his dress trousers Regulus is sure that if James turned around Regulus would get a perfect view of his arse. It’s painful to look at him, and worse yet to even make the attempt to look away.

“Mm, I see, you’re both too taken aback by how hot you two are to actually greet each other. Or me, for the matter,” Barty says with a pointed look at Regulus.

“Hi,” Regulus says dryly towards his flatmate blinking himself out of his stupor. Then, to James, “You’re late.”

James grimaces and replies flatly, “Hello to you too, sunshine. It’s so lovely to see you, darling. You look absolutely dashing.”

Barty looks between them with raised eyebrows. He’s clearly picking up on the weird vibes between them. And this just does not do.

With an inward sigh Regulus gets off the sofa, pocketing his phone and wand, and strides over to James. Without waiting for him to say anything he slides his hand around James’ neck, pulling him down towards him while he gets on his tiptoes to meet him halfway and kisses him on the mouth.

James is quick to react. A choked off noise escapes him, then his hands are on Regulus’ waist, pulling him in closer as he returns the kiss, equal parts gentle and hungry.

Regulus’ brain short circuits a little. He completely melts into James, letting himself be kissed by him, slowly deepening the kiss. All the uncertainty he’s felt about this, all the awkwardness about how their last meeting had ended fades into insignificance with James’ lips on his.

It’s not until there’s a whistling behind them that Regulus remembers Barty is even in the room with them. Reluctantly he pulls back, sinking back down on his feet. “Hi,” he finally greets James.

“Hey,” James says back with a smile. “Sorry I’m late, I got caught up in work.”

“Can you two be domestic in someone else’s flat?” Barty asks. “This is disgusting to watch.”

“Then don’t watch,” Regulus says, looking over at his best friend. “No one’s forcing you to.”

“Evan is,” Barty says, “If I don’t tell him everything the two of you are getting up to he’s ending our friendship.”

“Evan needs to get a different hobby,” Regulus mutters. “Genuinely, what’s wrong with him?”

“He’s just happy your constant whining about Potter has finally quieted down.”

“You were whining about me?” James asks curiously.

“No,” Regulus immediately replies at the same time as Barty says, “All the fucking time.”

“Why were you whining about me?”

“I wasn’t.”

Barty snorts. “‘cause you’re hot and Reg wanted to get in your pants.”

“I wasn’t,” Regulus insists.

“Disappointing,” James says, “And here I thought everyone wants to get in my pants. You’re telling me you’re the exception?”

Regulus glares at him. The previous weekend should have been answer enough for James. “Don’t we have somewhere to be, honey?”

James straightens up at that. “Of course. Wouldn’t wanna be late to our reservation.”

“I expect him back before ten,” Barty says sternly. “I will come after you if you hurt him.”

“Acting like my parents doesn’t suit you,” Regulus tells him. “You’re doing a bad job of it.”

Barty takes it as the compliment it clearly is and grins at him. “Have fun,” he says. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“We’re going out for dinner,” James reminds him. “We will be eating.”

“Mhm, of course,” Barty hums. “Enjoy your meal.” He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

With a roll of his eyes Regulus grabs James’ by the hand and pulls him out of their flat.

 

—

 

James is somewhat starstruck. Quite literally. He hadn’t expected Regulus to dress up for this, but here he is, looking absolutely dazzling. James finds it difficult not to stare at him. It doesn’t help that every time he does he is reminded of how Regulus had looked, shaking and moaning James’ name. It doesn’t help at all, and James finds himself several times having to ask “What?” when it becomes apparent that Regulus expects a reply from him.

“Are you listening at all to what I’m telling you?” Regulus asks with a frown.

“Yes, sorry,” James says. “You’re very distracting.”

Regulus blinks slowly. “I’m distracting you from paying attention to me?”

“Yes.” James nods. “Maybe button your shirt up or something?”

Regulus bites his lip then and it occurs to James that he is trying not to smile. It makes something flutter in his chest. He likes making Regulus smile.

“What’s so distracting about my unbuttoned shirt?” Regulus asks, leaning forward in his chair. The movement makes the shirt slide down further, exposing even more of his skin. James swallows hard.

“I think someone got a little carried away leaving bruises on your neck.”

“Mm, yeah, wonder who that might have been...”

James is pretty sure Regulus is actually flirting with him, and James is struggling. Normally he would just flirt back. He knows how to flirt. Has been doing just that with Regulus for the better part of the past two years. Honestly, has probably done it ever since he’s first met Regulus, just because he flirts with just about everyone, not even on purpose half the time. But at the moment there is nothing but static in his brain and he doesn’t even know how to form a single sentence. So he just keeps staring and saying nothing until Regulus leans back in his chair again.

“Why did you ask me?”

“What?” James asks for the umpteenth time that evening, though this time it’s not for lack of paying attention to Regulus’ words.

“Why am I here with you tonight? Why not Sirius? Or any of your other friends?”

“I wanted to ask you.”

“But why?”

James frowns. “I think Sunday ended a little badly and I don’t want it to become a thing. I care about you, so I’m forcing you to spend time with me so you don’t decide you don’t like me anymore.”

Regulus opens his mouth to reply, but no words come out. He shuts his mouth again, looks down at his plate for several seconds, then back up at James. James waits patiently for him to find his words, although underneath the table his knee is jumping nervously. Regulus can still decide that he doesn’t like him, and that it is now too weird between them, and that they should actually stop seeing each other at all.

He doesn’t though.

Instead what he says when he finally speaks again is, “Oh.”

That’s all.

“Oh?” James repeats.

“Yeah,” Regulus confirms.

“What does that mean?”

Regulus shrugs. He takes a sip of his wine, not meeting James’ eyes. It’s quite unnerving.

“You do still like me, right?”

Regulus’ cheeks get a little redder, but he still doesn’t reply. His wine glass is emptying rather rapidly.

James can feel his heart uncomfortably beating in his throat. If Regulus can’t even tell him that he still likes him then Sunday left them worse than James had thought. He wouldn’t have expected Regulus to care that much, not with the number of sexual partners he’s had to James’ knowledge. Which was rather presumptuous of him, clearly, because here they are, apparently.

James swallows past the beat of his heart, trying to sound casual when he asks, “So if you dislike me now, why did you agree to join me for dinner?”

Regulus’ eyes snap up to him, and a second later he finally lowers his glass. “I don’t dislike you,” he says, making it sound like that should be obvious to everyone, most of all James.

It is James’ turn to let out a bemused “Oh.”

“Why would I agree to spending time with you if I disliked you?”

“I don’t know. Same reason you agreed to start a fake relationship with me.”

“I also didn’t dislike you when we started this?” There is confusion in Regulus’ voice, leaving the statement hanging as a question. “Did you actually think I disliked you?”

James shrugs. “You more or less told me so, when we first discussed it. Right before calling me a twat. I figured at best I’m more a nuisance to you than anything.”

“I mean, you are,” Regulus says. “But I don’t dislike you. I thought that was obvious.”

“Guess I’m just a little oblivious then.”

“A little,” Regulus scoffs.

James stabs at his food petulantly. “You’ve not really given me any reason to believe otherwise.”

“Yeah,” Regulus mutters, refilling his wineglass, “a little.”

James ignores the dig. “So we’re good?” he asks. “No weird feelings between us?”

“None at all,” Regulus replies, but the words come out a little dryly.

“Reg...”

“No, we’re good, James. We’ll just forget anything ever happened, if that’s what you want.”

It’s not really what James wants. He doesn’t want to forget anything about Regulus from the previous weekend. Doubts he ever could, even if he tried. This feels persistent enough he struggles to imagine even a well-trained Obliviate could remove this memory from his mind. But he doesn’t want this to be in the way of their relationship either, and so he nods. “Alright. I’m glad. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” Regulus gives him a tight smile, toasting his glass towards him, before taking another generous sip.

This time James mirrors him.

Notes:

spoilery warnings for this chapter

if you want to skip the explicit part, stop reading when they start kissing and start reading at the pov switch, but be warned that the sexual themes of this will be discussed several times after that still.
basically what happens here is just that they kiss and get very carried away and james gets regulus off but its just grinding and still clothed. there is some soft petnames and praise and theyre both very much too far gone to make a single rational thought

-

 

James' POV of the beginning

 

yeah what can i even say about this chapter... i'm proud of them for communicating so much but i wish they'd just do it some more about other topics as well. like holy shit do they talk a lot. james saying he likes kissing reg and then setting his boundaries afterwards and making sure that this doesnt grow into despising and break up their relationship and then actually telling reg that he thought reg didnt really like him all that much and reg being like ??? no i like you?? like;;;; there's so much talking. And Yet!

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Chapter 17: Fall Back Into Place

Notes:

here is the (once again updated) playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Space Song by Beach House

Regulus, of course, isn’t forgetting any of the things James’ did to him in his bed. He is in fact forgetting about it so little that eventually he finds himself back in that same bed, wearing James’ shirt, with the fingers of his left hand pressed against the bruises on his neck while his right hand finds itself where James’ thigh had been days prior. It’s desperate, and it’s shameful, and neither feeling is lessened when he pulls the shirt over his burning face to hide his shame away and is hit with the full force of James’ scent, drawing a moan taking the shape of a name out of him as he comes.

Surprisingly enough, however, the impact Regulus had thought this would leave on his relationship with James remains absent. James still texts him far too much and far too excitedly with far too many typos. Maybe even more so than before, which might be a sign of some overcompensation, but Regulus isn’t complaining. He feels ... comfortable. At ease. James makes it feel easy and this, too, is something Regulus didn’t expect in the slightest.

He isn’t used to getting into arguments, or complicating situations, and the other person simply being fine with it. His whole life any deviation form the norm caused a storm to follow, shouting and cursing, or silence and isolation, people leaving him or him having to be the one to leave. He’s never had communication like this, never this odd sense of stability.

When Regulus thinks about it too much it leaves him anxious, anticipating worse to follow.

When he doesn’t think about it too much it leaves him even more in love with James.

James doesn’t ask Regulus to meet up again that week. Regulus doesn’t suggest it either. He knows James is incredibly busy, expects he’ll be training far too many hours every single day until his final match on Sunday, and he doesn’t want to be the one to take that time away from him. Still, though, between all his training sessions and strategy talks James finds time to text Regulus and send him song suggestions and sweaty, grinning selfies and ask for his opinion on this or that Quidditch related problem. And through it all he keeps flirting with Regulus, endlessly insistent in more and more direct ways, leaving Regulus flustered and blushing and increasingly confused about what he’s supposed to feel about it.

James Potter
so
if we win
will you give me a reward?

Regulus
A reward?

James Potter
mmm
like another one of those cute selifs
where your waering my jumper
:)

 

If this was anyone but James, Regulus would let his too fast hammering heart be right, flirt back, and take this as a sign for what it’s supposed to be; an invitation for something more to follow.

But this is James. And this is exactly how James talks to his friends, too. Most of all Sirius. And while for most of his life Regulus had wanted to be his older brother, in this, right here, he isn’t sure if it is what he wants at all. Sure, it’s a sign that James is comfortable with him to treat him the same, likes him enough to be playfully flirty with him, and Regulus is glad for it. But he doesn’t want to be Sirius, when it comes to James. He doesn’t want to be James’ best friend. He wants to be his boyfriend.

Regulus
And why would I do that?

James Potter
to show your support for your amazing boyfrine obvsly
wait
are you coming to the match?

Regulus
Yeah, since you very generously got all of us tickets, of course.

James Potter
you know what
i change my mind
i have  abetter idea
you
should wear
on of ym basulisk shirts
for the game
supportive boyfriend and all :)

Regulus lets out a tiny breathy noise, immediately covering his mouth with his hand afterwards. He looks around in the library, checking if anyone noticed his mortifying reaction, but luckily the people around him are all too focussed on their own work. He looks back down at his phone and rereads James’ text.

Supportive boyfriend.

James uses the word too freely, honestly. From the beginning he’d been bad at remembering to attach the fake part to the title, but he’s gotten even more lenient the longer they’ve been playing up their pretence. If James knew how much Regulus is indulging in it, letting it go to his head and, quite literally, getting off on it, he’d be a lot more careful with his words. But James doesn’t know, and Regulus still likes to take whatever he can get and, for a moment, pretend it is real.

 

Regulus
Supportive boyfriend and all...
If you manage to get a shirt to me before your match then I suppose I can do that.
Only if you then win, though.

James Potter
really??????
holy shit
okay>
i will get you shit
shir
shirt
A
owuld you be up to just seeing me toworrow before the ematch
cause idk if i can still ocme by tonigt i still need to eat
and lseep
at some pint
point

Regulus watches the texts pop up with a soft smile. He’s grown rather fond of the typos and the excess in both texts and enthusiasm coming through his phone.

He doesn’t mind seeing James before his match. In fact, he’s glad for having been given this opportunity. Maybe he is thinking himself more important than he actually is, but considering before the last game James called him to counteract his anxieties, he’s glad he gets to do an equivalent act this time as well. If he can help James before his last deciding match in this way he will do it without second thought.

Regulus
I’ll be there.

 

—

 

James is fairly sure if Regulus hadn’t promised him he’d meet him in front of the players’ entrance of the Elqueue stadium he’d be vibrating out of his skin from nerves already. This is his last chance to prove himself. And James knows he is prepared well. Knows he’s trained as much as he possibly could, and on top of that has a rather unfair advantage of having played for both his own team and their opponents, so he is intimately familiar with their play style. He knows their chances to win are not too bad, and he knows his chances to play well are even better. But he also knows that if he does mess this up, then he’s losing out on a dream he has had since he was about six years old. The odds might be in his favour, but the stakes are set too high. 

The prospect of seeing Regulus before he has to go out on the pitch and face his former team members is the only thing keeping him sane enough to focus on his warmup and the encouraging words from Nora afterwards. 

“We’ve got this. This is a fairly evenly matched game, so there is no reason why we shouldn’t win this. Our mock game on Friday was the best we’ve played – maybe ever. I have full confidence in us, and I need all of us to carry that confidence up onto the pitch and show it to them. What do you say?” 

Everyone roars and cheers, clapping each other’s back as they’re huddled together in their motivational pre-game circle. 

Nora grins at all of them in turn, then stands up, effectively disbanding the group. “Alright, we have fifteen more minutes, so everyone go drink something, go to the loo, do your good luck rituals, and then we’ll show them what we’ve got!” 

Without even waiting for Nora to finish the last sentence, James sprints over to his sports bag to get out the shirt he brought for Regulus and then hastily makes his way outside. 

Regulus is waiting for him right by the door, tapping away on his phone. When James steps outside he looks up and gives him a small smile. “Ready for the match?” 

“Incredibly nervous,” James admits, “but I’ll be fine.” 

“I know,” Regulus says, and there is no doubt he means it. 

It makes the tension in James’ shoulders ease a little and the smile he gives Regulus come more naturally. “Thank you,” he says, trying to put all the gratitude he feels into it. 

Regulus rolls his eyes, but he’s still smiling. “Now give me that shirt, I still need to find somewhere I can change into it before the match starts.” 

James hands it over to him immediately, and Regulus inspects it for a moment. “You know,” he says, “I like this one a lot better than your Captain jumper. At least it’s green.” 

“I’m sure you’ll look lovely in it,” James hums. “Where are you sitting so I can admire you in it later?” 

“I’m not telling you,” Regulus says. “You need to focus on your match, not flirt with me during it.” 

James pouts. “Guess I’ll have to do that afterwards when I see you, then.” 

“If you don’t win I’m taking it off before you join us again.” 

“Harsh,” James sucks in a dramatic breath through his teeth. 

“So don’t lose,” Regulus says uncaring. 

“Not planning on doing that,” James promises. “You’ve given me plenty of motivation to play for the win.” 

 

—

 

“Man, why didn’t James give me one of his shirts as well? That’s so unfair,” Sirius pouts when Regulus makes his way back from the loo where he changed to his friends already sitting on the stands. The shirt is way too big on him, and he feels a little ridiculous in it, and if there wasn’t James’ name on his back he would have most definitely refused to wear it. But Sirius’ jealous look makes it worth nearly just as much as James’ smile had earlier. 

“It’s ‘cause you’re not sucking his cock,” Barty gives the rather crude reply to Sirius’ question. “There’s clearly some perks that come with that.” 

Sirius makes a face of disgust. “I take it back, I don’t want to wear James’ shirt. Maybe Reggie also shouldn’t wear James’ shirt.” 

“Too bad, I’m wearing it,” Regulus says petulantly. He doesn’t feel the need to deny Barty’s accusations. He stands by what he told James weeks ago; Sirius deserves to be uncomfortable about their supposed relationship for how much he felt like he had any rights to know everything about it. 

“I hate knowing you,” Sirius tells him. 

“Likewise.” 

“Such a loving relationship the two of you have,” Peter says sarcastically. 

Sirius opens his mouth to retort something equally sarcastic, but his words get drowned out by the magically amplified voice welcoming everyone and introducing the two teams. Regulus doesn’t even try to figure out what his brother said, he doesn’t care enough about that. Especially not when he watches James fly onto the pitch, gorgeous as ever, maybe even more beautiful like this, on his broom, perfect posture, windswept hair and that same shirt Regulus is wearing right now as well.

He’s looking around the stalls as he walks towards the centre of the pitch, scanning the row of people. He doesn’t spot Regulus, though. Not even Sirius, who is waving to James enthusiastically. It gets drowned out by the hundreds of people around them also waving and hollering at the players.

Even from the distance Regulus is convinced he can see a wave of disappointment cross James’ face. It’s miles better than the anxiety that was visible during his last match, but Regulus still wishes it wasn’t there. As soon as James shakes the opponents’ hands, however, the disappointment is replaced with a wide grin as he exchanges quick words with them. The grin stays even as he gets on his broom to fly into his starting position, and Regulus knows this is going to be a good game for James.

He’s seen it before, even back at Hogwarts. Whenever James was looking a little less bright there was a good chance the other team would win. If James walked onto the pitch with a cocky grin, flirting with the rivalling team captain as they greeted each other, buzzing with excitement, the other team had practically already lost before the starting whistle was blown. James’ joy and confidence was a deadly thing during a Quidditch match, and this time was no different.

Last time James had played carefully. Reserved. Every move calculated and thought over twice before he committed to it. He’d missed out on several goals Regulus knows James could have made if not easily then still successfully, just because he was being cautious about everything. There had been nothing of the boastful, cocky Gryffindor Captain then.

This time, he shines through. He’s still nothing like he was back at school. The arrogance replaced with experience, the bravado with passing plays. However, it’s the same speed, the same precision, the same eagerness and excitement as he goes for impossible dives to catch a Quaffle or block the opponent.

Regulus can see where his muscles tense and recognises the training units he went through with James to develop those. Sees James initiate strategies with his teammates he’d been telling Regulus about days prior. Sees him become one with his team, one entity with six arms manoeuvring the Quaffle through the air, while he never once fades into the background. He sees him block, and chase, and pass, and score again, and again, and again.

Regulus is in awe and so terribly, irrevocably in love.

“This is fucking incredible,” Marlene says in the row behind him, and Regulus has to silently agree. James is fucking incredible. It is so clear that this is what he’s always been meant to do – playing Quidditch like no one could stop him. Because no one can stop him.

There is one brief moment about twenty minutes into the game. Regulus catches it, and instinctively he tenses up, eyes trained on James. One brief moment in which James misjudges the speed of the Quaffle by a millisecond and it passes through his fingers, getting picked by one of the Elqueue Chasers instead. James’ face falls, his fingers still outstretched towards a ball that has already changed possession, and for that brief moment it looks like he’s going to freeze up again. But then that Elqueue Chaser whizzes past James, the Quaffle locked underneath his arm, and James blinks and chases after him and the moment is gone.

Regulus’ chest swells with pride.

To say James carries the game would be unjust to the rest of the team, but it is undeniable that he is the star of that day. Even the stadium speaker notices. The longer the match goes on the more excited he gets whenever James is in possession of the Quaffle, calling his name out with reverence in his voice and promising they will all see James play in the top teams soon enough.

Regulus wonders if he knows how correct he is about that statement.

When James’ captain catches the Snitch in the thirty-seventh minute, Regulus is not surprised in the least. It was a short match, but a high scoring one. James is sweaty from exhaustion but grinning from ear to ear as he flies into a group hug with his team and Regulus wishes he could be down there celebrating with him. He wonders if he could sneak down into the changing rooms to welcome James there, but throws the idea away almost instantly and instead settles for letting Barty wrap his arms around him as he jumps up and down in post-game excitement.

“Let’s get down there and greet James!” Sirius demands. “Before he gets swarmed by all his admirers. We need to snatch him for ourselves. Man, he was bloody amazing.”

“Best I’ve seen him play since his last match against Hufflepuff,” Peter agrees. “Maybe he just gets extra motivated when his opponents try to get in his pants.”

“Who tried to get in his pants?” Regulus asks, against his better judgment revealing that he’d been listening in on the conversation.

Peter replies casually, although there is a glint of mischief in his eyes. “Oh, you know, the Hufflepuff Captain back then asked him out on a date. Had a massive crush on him, but to his misfortune that fell right together with the start of James’ and Lily’s relationship...”

“I meant on the Elqueue team,” Regulus says, despite having wanted to get both pieces of information. Peter doesn’t need to know that though. Having asked at all is already embarrassing enough.

“Was it the one Beater?” Peter asks. “Marls, help me here, you should know that.”

Marlene looks up from Peter to Regulus, and then back to Peter with a wide grin. “Yeah, I think the Beater and Keeper asked him for a threesome,” she says. “But I might remember wrong.”

“Oh, no, pretty sure you’re right. I mean just look at them.” Peter points down to the pitch where the players are currently shaking each other’s hands. James is standing opposite the Keeper, a tall girl with a short, dark bob who is definitely taking too long shaking James’ hand. Regulus narrows his eyes at her. He’s glad she lost.

“You guys are dreadful,” Sirius says. “Don’t let them goad you like that, Reggie. They’re just trying to get a rise out of you.”

Regulus isn’t too sure about that, because the Keeper does look a little too comfortable with James as she talks to him. And James is letting her, which is somehow worse. It’s also not helped when Sirius adds, “Although, the Hufflepuff Captain did ask James out on a date, I remember that. They didn’t lie about that part.”

“I don’t care,” Regulus says. He’s also definitely not jealous or anything.

“Sure, ‘course you don’t,” Sirius hums happily. “Anyway. We gotta get down or Prongs is out of the stadium before we get to him. I’m not letting him wait for us.”

 

—

 

James still feels like he is flying after Nora’s debriefing and a shower. The adrenaline is still coursing through his blood and he feels like bursting into laughter any second now.

This match was everything. This is what Quidditch is all about. The team play, the speed, the precision, and of course also the winning. It’s the best match James has played in a while, the best he’s ever played in his professional career so far, and when Nora congratulates him personally afterwards he is beaming with pride.

James is practically skipping out of the changing rooms after that, so excited to see his friends again he can’t quite slow down despite the exhaustion from the fast-paced game.

The first thing he sees when he steps out of the stadium is Sirius at the very front of the small crowd made up of his friends, throwing his arms up in celebration and whooping and grinning broadly when he spots James.

The second thing he sees is Regulus, wearing James’ shirt and a warm smile for him.

James kind of forgets rational thought in that moment. In three quick strides he reaches Regulus and drops his sports bag right there on the ground to free his hands and cup them around Regulus’ face instead.

When he leans down and kisses him, and when a second of surprise later Regulus kisses him back, something explodes in his chest.

This is it, James thinks. This is what life is all about.

It’s just him, and Regulus, pressed close together, Regulus’ hands finding their way to James’ waist where they fist into the fabric of his shirt. Just him and Regulus and the breath they share between kisses when either of them refuses to move away too far even when they need air.

When James does pull back eventually it’s only far enough to mumble softly, “You’re gorgeous in my shirt.”

Regulus replies to that with an absolutely delicious sound, that leaves James with no option but to dive back in and kiss him again.

This time Regulus doesn’t let it go on for so long, to James’ dismay. When he pulls back he looks up at James, his eyes wide and dark and honest when he says, “You were incredible. The way you played, your flying... you were incredible.”

“You were,” a different voice chimes in, making James remember that he’s surrounded by all his friends. “This was the best I’ve seen you fly in ages,” Marlene continues.

For just a second longer James runs his thumbs across Regulus’ cheekbones before he drops his hands and takes a small step back. He turns his attention to his friends. Marlene is grinning, but next to her is Sirius and looks mildly uncomfortable. James considers taking another step away from Regulus, but gets stopped by Regulus himself. He apparently noticed Sirius’ look as well, because instead of putting space between himself and James, he slides his arm around James, pushing his hand into the back pocket of his trousers.

James is glad that Regulus is staring down his brother defiantly, because it means he can’t notice the way the action leaves James’ cheeks absolutely burning.

Sirius’ eyes, having followed Regulus’ motion, clearly picked up on what is happening behind James’ back. The uncomfortable expression only deepens and he looks away. To his credit he immediately addresses it. “Sorry, I know you’ve been making out constantly for several weeks now and have probably done a lot more than just that–”

“Oh, they have,” Barty immediately chimes in.

While several of their friends, first of all Marlene, immediately look at Barty with interest, there is some mild disgust mingling with the discomfort on Sirius’ face now. “Well, I figured, but witnessing it first hand is a whole different thing. Sorry Prongs, but seeing you snog my baby brother feels wrong.”

“I don’t get an apology for that?” Regulus asks.

“I currently don’t want to address you,” Sirius says. “Anyway. That’s so not important right now. We have a James to celebrate and we should get back to that immediately.”

James can see the relief on Sirius’ face when his friends instantly jump on the topic change, encircling James to properly congratulate him. James doesn’t mind. He’s proud of his match today. He deserves the celebration. And if it has the added bonus of lifting Sirius’ discomfort while Regulus’ hand is still in his back pocket, then James is most definitely not complaining about that either.

 

—

 

Regulus hasn’t told any of his friends about it, and he still doesn’t when he leaves James’ celebration a little earlier than everyone else. James pouts, but when Dorcas successfully convinces Regulus to join her and Marlene on a double date with James the coming Saturday James is assuaged enough to let him go without too many complaints or too many questions. Regulus wouldn’t have answered them anyway, and he most definitely wouldn’t have stayed.

Mrs Higgs welcomes him at the front door of her mansion. It’s not quite as big as the Malfoy residence, not the same old money seeping through the bricks, and it’s not as hidden away as the house Regulus grew up in. It mostly resembles the holiday house Regulus’ parents have in France. A sizeable residence just outside Cambridge with more space than necessary for one family, but not enough to seem completely outlandish.

“Come in, Mr Black,” she greets him, holding the door open for him.

“Oh, Regulus is just fine, please.” Mr Black reminds him too much of his father and those stuffy family gatherings.

“Regulus,” she agrees immediately. “Regarding your last owl, that is no problem at all. My husband and I both have a broom which you can borrow until you get yourself a new one. If we decide to make this a lasting arrangement, that is.”

Regulus nods with relief. He had worried how he’d even get through this first meeting they’ve arranged, a getting to know each other and figuring out if Regulus is a good fit as a Quidditch teacher for Terence Higgs. It had taken him far too long to admit to Mrs Higgs that he didn’t have his own broom at the moment. He wasn’t completely honest, talked around the reason for it, made it sound like it only recently broke because he was too ashamed to admit that he hadn’t been able to afford his own broom in several years now.

“I’m really glad,” Regulus answers. “I was worried it would create a problem.”

“Ah, nonsense. It’s an easy fix, nothing to worry about. Now, Terence is already waiting in the garden, he is really excited to see you again. Has been talking our ears off signing your praise.” She laughs, a melodic thing that sounds half rehearsed. The same kind of laugh so many of the pureblood wizards and witches default to after years in proper society. Regulus wonders if the Higgs family still attend all those parties Regulus is so glad to have gotten rid of.

“As I mentioned in my last letter,” she continues, “I think it best if you could do a simple flying lesson with Terence today, just so I can see what you do and so you can figure out if this is also an arrangement that works for you. There is no pressure in this at all today. If you decide this kind of setup does not work for you, we will of course not sign a contract. Although, I’m giving myself the same courtesy as well. Does that sound fair?”

Regulus nods. “That sounds very fair.” He is incredibly nervous about this. If this goes well, he’s going to have another job. Just one day a week, doing something he actually enjoys, and getting paid more than he is getting for a full week of his student job. He wants this to go well. He suddenly understands James’ anxiety about his matches on a whole different level.

Terence immediately runs towards Regulus when he spots him and starts requesting all different kinds of manoeuvres he’d like to learn. Most of them Regulus is sure they can eventually get to, some are difficult enough that Regulus isn’t confident he can perform them himself, and a few he is embarrassed to realise he’s never heard of at all.

Regulus promises Terence to see what he can do about teaching him all of them, and himself to look into filling in the gaps in his knowledge once he gets home.

The broom Mrs Higgs gives him is fairly good. It’s the same Sirius used to have, back when he was at school the top-of-the-line model, but since then obviously already superseded several times over. But it’s a familiar one, and it’s clearly been cared for well, so Regulus thinks it’s perfect for now.

Terence is a good student. It scares Regulus a little how much he reminds him of himself at that age – eager to learn, meticulous in following instructions and engaged in the way he asks his own questions when they do come up. Of course, Regulus had already gotten a bit of a feel for that when he had joined James’ training, but it gets a lot clearer now at their one-on-one with Mrs Higgs sitting by overseeing that first get-together. All of that despite this first lesson being a very casual one, Regulus mostly just answering questions that Terence has about his time at Hogwarts both as a student and a Seeker, and doing a very simple speed flying session.

It’s a good lesson. Regulus feels like he’s doing something right when Terence actually manages to improve his form within four repeats of the same lap around the huge back garden and Terence nods seriously along as Regulus recounts his experiences in Slytherin. It turns out that maybe Regulus actually enjoys teaching. It’s a weird realisation to have, because it feels like he should have had it several years ago already. But considering one of his best friends was better at school than him, and the other one didn’t care enough to ask for explanations on anything, Regulus never really had been in a position where teaching someone something he knew was relevant. This is new, and it’s confusing, but not unpleasantly so.

Afterwards, when Terence has begged Regulus to please do this forever and ever and teach him all the things, Regulus sits together with Mrs Higgs in their very opulent sitting room.

“What do you think?” she asks him. Her face is blank and Regulus has no idea what she thinks of him or the way he tutored her son, which makes answering a lot more difficult.

He ponders over his words for a moment before he replies. “Terence is an excellent student. I think the way he works through new information fits very well together with how I explain things, and I would be very happy to get to teach him all the things I know.” He feels very formal in his reply. It comes out nearly rehearsed, making him think of stuffy rooms and well-tailored dress robes all over again.

Still, though, Mrs Higgs finally drops her mask and smiles at him. “I’m glad you think so, Regulus. I agree. From what I’ve seen this is more than I could have possibly asked for. Clearly, my son also agrees.”

Regulus feels a huge weight fall of his chest. He hasn’t messed this up. Despite everything, his lack of knowledge when it comes to children or teaching, despite the fact he’s not flown in so long, despite him not even owing his own broom he hasn’t messed this up.

Mrs Higgs continues going over the specifics of the contract, over what she expects from Regulus and what Regulus may expect from her, asking for his approval or disapproval on every point. By the end of it, once Regulus has signed the paper and Mrs Higgs speaks a Duplicating Charm over it, she hands him his own copy of the contract along with the money for this first lesson. It’s more money than Regulus has held in quite a while.

 

—

 

Despite Regulus having left too early James is having a great time. He can’t deny that he felt a little disappointed when Regulus said he had to go and refused to elaborate what was more important than hanging out with his friends and (more importantly) celebrating James’ win in his last match of hopefully securing a position on his favourite team. But Regulus looked a little on edge and James thought pressing him about an answer would not help that, so, with only a small pout, he bid Regulus farewell and turned his full attention to his friends and his Quidditch team, all huddled together around several tables filled with various drinks.

James is done with all of his responsibilities. All his exams are over, he won’t have any more lectures for several more weeks, he mostly successfully got through his trial matches, he currently has no reason to worry about Sirius. And on top of that James gets to kiss Regulus and tell him he’s beautiful. James has every right to celebrate his life right now, which means that by the time he leaves he is, despite it still only being the late afternoon, a little buzzed.

The after party has transformed into an after after party at Remus and Peter’s place, where James is currently cuddled together with Sirius on the sofa.

At first he misses the buzz of his phone. It’s Sirius who finally points it out to him, but when James picks it up the buzzing has stopped and all that is left is a notification of a missed call from Regulus.

James’ heart does a ridiculous little thing at the name on his display. It’s distracting enough that he fails to call Regulus back immediately, which is how he ends up still staring at his phone when it vibrates again.

Regulus
I got the job!
Sorry that I disappeared like that earlier, I was too nervous to tell anyone, but I had my first private lesson with Terence and it went really, really well. I’m officially starting weekly trainings with him next week!

James actually gasps as he reads the message. Sitting between his legs leaning against his chest, Sirius cranes his neck to look up at James at the noise. “What?” he asks, but James just shakes his head as he types his reply.

James
oh thats amazing!!!!!
im so happy for you
also insanely proud of you
this si ssoo cool!!!!!!!!
i hope barty and evan are with you proeprly celebrating you rn

Regulus
I haven’t had the chance to tell them yet. I literally just said goodbye to Mrs Higgs.

 

That ridiculous flutter of his heart is back and he can’t quite help the small noise vaguely resembling a hidden giggle to stay silent.

“What?” Sirius asks again, now turning more of his body to look at James properly, trying to sneak a glance at his phone.

“Regulus is now officially a Quidditch instructor,” James explains proudly. And he’s told me about it before he told his best friends, he adds in his mind.

“Wait, what?” Sirius asks with wide eyes. Then he immediately contorts his body to pull his phone out from where it’s lodged underneath James’ thigh and furiously types a message to his brother.

 

It’s genuinely baffling to James how in the span of just a few days Sirius, Regulus, and now himself have gotten lucky regarding jobs they all care about. He wonders if there is some kind of spell that happened that he isn’t aware of, some ritual someone did on their behalf, or a general work related magic that bends the current times in their favour. He has no idea at all, but he won’t be complaining about it. Certainly not when he stares at the open email on his phone with the bold subject heading:

Caerphilly Catapults Chemistry Play

They want to see him. They’re actually considering him as a player on their team and they want to see how he performs with the rest of the team and they want to see him literally on Thursday.

He wonders if he’s had too much alcohol after all and this is him hallucinating. No matter the fact that he hasn’t had anything more to drink in five hours and he didn’t even have that much to begin with.

“Hey, Padfoot?” James asks over the noise of the movie the four Marauders are supposedly watching together at the moment, although James hasn’t looked at the screen at all in the past five minutes and Remus has been asleep for at least half an hour.

Peter waves his hand in James’ direction, motioning for him to be quiet. “Shush, they’re about to find out who they really are.”

“Sorry, I need you to pause the film for a minute,” James says, his voice a little strained. It’s that part that makes both Peter and Sirius look up at him, before Peter reaches for the remote and stops the movie.

“What’s wrong?” Sirius asks immediately.

James hands him his phone, the email still open. “I need you to read this and tell me I’m not just imagining this.”

Sirius accepts the phone, the light of the screen transforming the frown lines on his forehead into deep chasms. Peter leans closer, reading along with him.

It takes barely a second before Peter says, “Holy shit.”

Sirius whips his head around, his eyes wide, as he stares at James in shock. “Thursday?” he shrieks.

The noise makes Remus stir, who blinks at the other three blearily. James can’t even feel sorry for having brought upon the end to Remus’ early night nap, he is still too tense from the news. “What’s going on?” Remus yawns.

“James is on the team!”

“I’m not on the team yet, they can still fully decide they don’t want me during the chemistry play,” James corrects Sirius immediately.

“They gave you a date for the chemistry play?” Remus perks up, far more awake now.

James nods.

“That is essentially the same as hiring you for the team already,” Peter argues. “Like, they wouldn’t bother with inviting you to play with the whole team if they didn’t want you. I mean, they didn’t even wait a whole day after your last match to contact you about it, clearly they want you.”

James’ heart is starting to speed up even more, a mix of excitement and anxiety building in his throat. “It’s just a closer selection. They can still say no.”

“Yeah, but they won’t.”

“But they can,” James insists. It’s important to him that his friends are aware of that. He hasn’t signed a contract yet. It is a huge step in the right direction, but it’s not the same as what Sirius has gotten yet. Or Regulus.

Regulus.

“Don’t tell Regulus about this yet.”

“I mean, obviously you should be the one to tell him,” Sirius agrees immediately.

“No, no, I mean...” James trails off, biting his lip. “Just don’t mention it around him for now, please.”

“You want to keep this a secret from him?” Remus asks.

“Just for now. Until I actually sign the contract, if I do.”

Sirius watches him with a raised eyebrow, something in his gaze that James is sure should worry him. He looks at Sirius pleadingly, until he finally gives an agreeing shrug. “Pete, turn the movie back on. I want to know how she’s going to react to him being her nemesis.”

 

James cannot let himself think about Regulus. Not for the next four days, at least. Not until he has gotten the chemistry play behind himself. Because if he thinks of Regulus, then he will have to think about the fact that should the chemistry play go well, there will no longer be any reason at all for their fake relationship to continue.

Sirius has a new job, which he is going to start working at in a week. His mental health has already improved drastically compared to how it was three months ago, no longer having James constantly worry about the survival of his best friend. James might get his dream job. He’s gotten through all his exams for now, he doesn’t have any projects going on outside of Quidditch at the moment, and by all means and purposes his panic attacks should therefore leave him alone. He won’t have to lean on Sirius for his own mental health issues, and if he had to do it, then Sirius would be alright with it.

All the reasons they’ve had to come up with the idea of a pretend relationship will disappear if James gets accepted into the team.

Which means he cannot think about Regulus, because if he thinks about Regulus, he will think about this. And if he thinks about this, he might come up with even worse ideas than faking a relationship with his years long crush. Like purposefully sabotaging his chances of getting signed by the Caerphilly Catapults so he might have a reason to extend his fake relationship with his years long crush.

The remainder of Sunday James stays at his friends’ flat, cuddled up against Sirius as they talk about this and that while watching yet another romcom they’ve all already seen. James doesn’t think about Regulus, and his friends do not bring him up again.

 

Monday James takes off from training. Instead he sits down to research all the current team members of the Catapults more thoroughly. He knows of them already, of course. Has had conversations with a few of them before. One of them he knows from Hogwarts, a Hufflepuff Beater two years his senior whose uncle captained the Irish National Quidditch team. James finds an article about him in an old edition of the Quidditch Times quoting and debunking an even older article from Witch Weekly, which accuses Chris O’Hare of only having made it onto the Caerphilly team because of his connections to his uncle. The Quidditch Times article goes deep into Chris’ play style, highlighting previous games of his as well as a Beater attack he apparently practised to such perfection that the article lovingly refers to it as a Chris O’Scare.

James makes himself familiar with the players, and the team, and their previous games and does not think of Regulus.

 

On Tuesday James joins the usual Basilisk training. It feels a little bittersweet, because there is a good chance this might be his last training with them and him as a semi-official member of their team. Everyone else treats it like it is, at least, bemoaning the fact that James will be leaving them. James refuses to take it as fact, because it isn’t fact just yet, and there still is a chance it won’t ever be.

In the afternoon he has work with Marlene, watching little kids fly and giving them advice on how to better their play style while he does not think of Regulus.

That is, until Marlene mentions their next scheduled lesson.

“Oh, fuck,” James says.

“What?”

“I can’t, on Thursday. I don’t have time.”

Marlene raises her eyebrows. “You scheduled something during your work hours?”

“Not on purpose!”

“What do you have to do?”

James considers whether he should tell her or not. It makes him nervous, letting everyone know when he will get the information on whether or not he will get signed. “A ... thing,” he finally says.

“A thing,” Marlene repeats.

“Yeah.”

“Very specific.” She crosses her arms. “So what’s your plan? You’re abandoning me with the kids? That’s gonna be absolute hell, James.”

“I’ll call our boss,” James promises. “There’s gotta be someone who can fill in for me, right?”

“On such short notice? Good fucking luck, mate. You better be prepared to cancel whatever you have going on.”

“I’ll figure something out,” James insists, because he has to.

 

—

 

At precisely half past six Regulus gets a call from an unknown number.

He ignores it until the phone stops ringing. When the caller ID has disappeared he opens the browser on his phone and googles the number. It comes up with nothing at all.

Regulus would have been happy to ignore it, but fifteen minutes later the same number calls him again. Begrudgingly he answers his phone.

“Hello?”

“Good evening, this is Isla Hull. Am I speaking to Regulus Black?”

“Yes,” Regulus says warily. “May I ask why you’re calling?”

“Yes, of course. I’m the manager of the Elqueue Quidditch courses. I’ve been told you recently joined one of our lessons as a supporting instructor.”

A cold shiver runs down Regulus’ back, settling as dread in his spine and slowly spreading out into the rest of his body. If he is getting in trouble for this, after he has finally started to get somewhere with his life, he is going to kill James. “That is correct,” Regulus says nonetheless, because there is no point in lying. “I was made to believe there would be no problem with that when I joined. Have any issues arisen?”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” Isla Hull assures quickly. “One of our trainers had to call off work for Thursday on rather short notice. Our usual auxiliary is currently on holiday and therefore unavailable. I’ve been given your contact information with reference from our trainers as well as one of our students. Could you imagine taking over for one of our trainers on Thursday? You would of course get monetary compensation as well as a brief schooling by the available trainer.”

Regulus is genuinely lost for words. For a moment too long, too, because Isla Hull asks, “Mr. Black? Are you still there?”

“Yes, excuse me,” Regulus hurries to say. “This Thursday, you say?”

“Precisely. We would need your availability from four to six, if you choose to agree.”

Regulus swallows hard. “I will have to check if I have time then. Can I call you back in half an hour?”

“Of course, no problem at all,” Isla Hull assures him, and after a polite goodbye from both of them she hangs up.

Regulus immediately dials a different number. The second his call gets accept he snaps, “What the fuck, James?”

“What?” James asks startled. “Regulus? What’s going on?”

“You couldn’t have given me some kind of warning that your place of work would reach out to me to ask if I can fill in for – I don’t even know, is it you or McKinnon?”

“Oh,” James says. “It’s me. I meant to tell you, but then Lily texted, and then I got super distracted and got stuck in other things. I didn’t expect them to be so quick about it either, sorry.”

“What do you have on Thursday?”

Regulus’ question gets followed with a pregnant pause. The following answer isn’t any more satisfying than the silence before. “Just a thing I can’t get out of.”

“A thing,” Regulus deadpans.

“Yeah, sorry. I can’t tell you just yet.”

Great, so another one of those secret Marauders things that Regulus isn’t allowed to be part of. Oh, how he loves being pushed out of the lives of the people he cares about. He bites back his bitterness and says, “And your solution to that was to suggest me?”

“I mean, not immediately, obviously. We usually have someone else who does it when Marls or I can’t, but she’s–”

“–on holiday, yes, I’ve been told.”

“Yeah. So I thought, since you’ve already done it, and Marlene is also alright with it, and like, it is your job as well now anyway, even if a little different... Maybe you’d want to...”

Regulus can understand James’ thought process. There is some sense to it, really. “I would have preferred you’d ask me first before you hand my name over to your boss.”

“I’m sorry,” James says earnestly. “It all happened a little fast and I kind of blurted the idea out as soon as I got it, it was a bit of an in the moment thing.”

“Of course it was,” Regulus mutters. “Well, thanks for letting me know now,” he adds sarcastically.

“I really am sorry,” James repeats. “You don’t want to do it then?”

“I told your manager I’d call her back in half an hour,” Regulus sidesteps. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“If you do it, I’ll owe you big time.”

“You mean more than you already do.”

“Yeah, guess so...” James mumbles. There’s something sad in the way James says the words. It tugs at Regulus’ heart and makes all the fight dissipate from his system.

James didn’t do this to put Regulus on the spot. All that happened was that he needed someone to take over a shift for him, and he thought of Regulus.

Regulus sighs. “I’ll also let you know in half an hour.”

“Thanks,” James says. “I really appreciate it.”

Regulus wonders for a moment if he should say something else. Tell James that he feels ... honoured that he thinks him capable of this. Insist that James tell him what’s happening on Thursday that this is necessary at all. Let him know how it still hurts that Sirius and James have their perfect thing between them that Regulus is never allowed to be a part of.

In the end he says none of these things before wordlessly ending the call.

 

—

 

Regulus keeps his word. James gets a text from him about twenty-five minutes after Regulus hung up on him. He’s glad, because the lack of a goodbye made him feel like he did something wrong. Gladder yet when Regulus lets him know that he called Isla to confirm he’d be available on Thursday.

James
thank you <33
your the best
sorry again fo rforgettign to tell you before she called
i really didnt meanto

Regulus
It’s alright, don’t worry. As long as Marlene takes the lead on Thursday I’m fine.

James
she will, dw
as for being in your debt
as a start
for reimbursment or whatevs
wanna come over tomorrow?
ill make dinner

Regulus
I can be there at 7

James
works for me :)

It’s less for reimbursing Regulus, and more for James himself. He doesn’t delude himself that this is for anything but giving himself a last evening of having this – Regulus – before he will finally have to acknowledge the possibility that everything might start falling apart soon.

Notes:

ok first of all, im sure some of you already noticed, i finally put the chapter count up. i just reeeeaaaally underestimated how many words i would actually need for the plot i had planned for the (once upon a time actually) second half of this fic. i really hope this is the last time i have to change it, this time round i stopped pretending ill manage to fit all of the planned plot into that one chapter adn just. preemptively split it up. but also before you get too worried about so many more chapters - pls know that one of those chapters barely counts as a chapter at all, so in your mind you can subtract one from the chapter count :)
with this i have also updated the playlist which took faaaaar too long because you would not believe how difficult it is to move songs around in a way that makes sense (im just really not good with music lmao)

now, chapter notes!!
first of all, shoutout to richard mcphail my guy, former hufflepuff quidditch captain. i will love you forever and randomly include you in whatever fics i can <33
them kissing after the match!!!! gods im so soft about it theyre so !!!!!
reg has a jobbbbbb so proud of him mmm he is doing so well <33 also him filling in for james?? incredible. (also also lets ignroe the fact that there are so many like insurance issues with this concept. the wizarding world is fucked and does not care about anyones safety anyway)
james having to force himself not to genuinely consider sabotaging his dream career to have more time (fake) dating reg is so. my guy. get a fucking grip.
and now .... mmm the soft comfort between them is getting some ripples. james finally acknowledges reality and possible futures. wonder how thats gonna go for them.....

i thought about their kiss so much that i had to draw it as well, so here it is on tumblr and instagram

Chapter 18: Tell Me the Truth or Tell Me We’re Through

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from My Heart Is Buried in Venice by Ricky Montgomery

James is uncharacteristically early when he tumbles out of the fireplace the Catapults manager had directed him to as the closest one to the Caerphilly stadium. If he gets taken up on the team he will have all the chance to make himself familiar enough with the surroundings to figure out how to apparate here, but that’s nothing to think about just yet.

In his pocket his phone is being weighed down with an abundance of texts in the Marauders group chat, his friends telling him to break a leg and to inform them how it went as soon as he’s done.

The lack of texts from Regulus isn’t surprising, but it still bothers James. It’s ridiculous, he knows that. After all, he had been the one to insist not to let Regulus know what was happening today. He regrets it a little now, if not only for the fact that his hands are sweating around the straps of his sports bag and he is a little too aware of his own heartbeat. He’d been sitting on his bathroom floor for fifteen minutes trying not to throw up from nerves before he’d left. It wasn’t the same type of panic attack he’d had in the past, no hyperventilating and crying and shaking, but the panic had been just as all-consuming and James so badly had wanted Regulus there with him. In the end all he could do was down a Pepper-Up Potion and hope for the best. It’s far less effective than Regulus had been all those times before.

James really needs to find himself a different way of calming himself down before important events. One that doesn’t involve talking to Regulus. It can’t be healthy only having one person as a coping mechanism.

When he gets to the stadium, James finds himself a nearby bench to wait on until it is a more appropriate time to make his way inside. He busies himself on his phone. Half-heartedly scrolls through Marlene’s social media accounts. Replies to the messages in the Marauders group chat. Looks through his recently listened to songs, finding one he can send to Regulus. Follows that message up with a good luck message for his training in an hour, along with another thank you, and a little heart.

The dinner the previous day had been lovely. Regulus had been lovely. The irritation in his voice on the phone the day prior had been completely absent, to James’ relief. It was easy with Regulus. It felt completely natural having him exist in James’ flat. The chair on James’ kitchen table has never looked more right in its spot than with Regulus sitting on it, silently eating the food James prepared for them both, listening intently to whatever James has to tell him.

James had been careful not to mention the chemistry play. It had been easier than expected – over the last several weeks their conversations have quickly grown from just being about Sirius to being about Quidditch to now being about just about anything. Regulus told him how his first lesson with Terence went, and James gave him tips for the training with Marlene, reassuring him that he will do wonderfully. James talked about Regulus’ book, which he’s about halfway through by now. Regulus asked him questions about it, which lead to talks of other books, then games, and then at some point an anecdote about James’ childhood featuring an aggressive snail, an apple pie, and a broken arm. While they cleaned up afterwards Regulus talked a little about his last paper that he is still working on. James listened with interest and asked him questions about it, which eventually lead to Regulus talking about musical leitmotifs, the colour blue, and decapitation in literature.

It had been everything James ever wanted. It felt as familiar as when he spends time with the Marauders, only more intimate. Quieter. A process of still getting to know someone and getting to be known in return. When Regulus left James didn’t even get the chance to miss him, because it had felt too much like something quickly growing into a constant. A part of his life he’d always have, making it redundant to miss at all.

He does miss him a little now, if only for the fact that James would quite like him as a distraction, something to calm his anxiety with.

He checks the time again. It’s reasonable to get ready now, the other players probably arriving soon as well. He can feel the panic once again rising in his chest, making his muscles tense up. He needs to get moving or this is all going to go terribly wrong.

James makes it about halfway towards the stadium when someone calls his name. He looks up to see the Quidditch Captain, Robin King, jog towards him. Immediately his heartbeat speeds up further, but he puts on a grin and waves at him anyway.

“You’re early,” Robin notes happily.

“I didn’t want to chance getting here too late,” James explains with a laugh. It feels forced, but it also forces him out of his anxious state, forcing the impending panic attack back into his stomach. Not here. Not now. Not when someone can see him.

Robin hums. “Very understandable. Works well, though, I can show you around the stadium a little before we start the training.”

 

It’s the best thing that could have happened to James. They spend about twenty minutes walking through the different parts of the stadium with Robin giving fun facts about this and that, a photo hanging on a wall depicting a previous team, a chair on the stands someone famous once broke by sitting on it too enthusiastically, an honorific monument depicting Dai Llewellyn besting a chimera. It lessens James’ anxiety tremendously as he gets to ease up and eventually fall into joking around with Robin, already feeling as if they’ve known each other for far longer than just twenty minutes.

They talk a little about Hogwarts, too. Robin was Frank Longbottom’s first Quidditch Captain, who in turn was James’ first Quidditch Captain. It feels a little poetic in some ways James can’t quite explain. Regulus would probably have the right words for it.

James also finds out that they’ve already had a chemistry play with a different player the team had eyed, someone whose last trial match had been a week before James’. It leaves him slightly on edge, because Robin (understandably) refuses to tell how that went, but it means that James now has to make a better impression than whoever came before him. There is already someone to be compared to, and James has no idea where the points of comparisons lie.

When they finish their touring at the changing rooms, the rest of the team is already there, half of them already changed into their training clothes. James gets introduced around and is mostly met with comradery back pats and enthusiasm. One of the players, the team’s Seeker, gives James nothing more than a nod before he turns back to tying his shoes. It’s a little disconcerting, until Chris, the Beater James remembers from Hogwarts, gives James another shoulder clap and says, “Don’t worry about Seth, that’s how he always is. Excellent Seeker, incredible on the pitch, but unless you’re talking Quidditch to him useless in a conversation.”

“That’s fair,” James says. “Well, good thing I absolutely love talking about Quidditch.”

Seth looks up from tying his shoes, giving James, or rather his right cheek, a quick grin. James grins back but otherwise leaves him be, not wanting to force him into a conversation he’s clearly not up for at the moment.

 

James is a little uncertain how this training is going to go. He sticks out of the team, he knows that. Not just because everyone else is wearing their red and green striped Catapults shirts while James went for his Elqueue trainer outfit to stay somewhat neutral. There is also a clear routine to how the training goes that everyone follows instinctually. A routine James is very obviously not familiar with. Robin, the other Chaser, Adi, and Cory, the Chaser James is trying to become a replacement for, do an excellent job of guiding James along, but it takes him until nearly the first cooling break for him to feel less like he is just following after everyone like a lost puppy and more like he is actually training with them.

“I saw you play,” Adi tells him while James is screwing his water bottle closed again. “Last Sunday. I came to see the match. And mate, your Reverse Pass? Cleanest thing I’ve ever seen.”

James laughs self-consciously. “Thank you! I did have a really good match that weekend, I have to be honest there. I’m glad that’s the one you got to see of me, honestly.”

Adi hums appreciatively. “I already mentioned it to Robin, when we do our little mock match now, I want to try that funky Beater feint you played. I’ve not fully figured out yet what the steps in that manoeuvre are...”

“Oh, that one’s actually pretty easy, Pip and I worked that one out together a while ago–” James stops in his excited rambling and wonders if he sounds too arrogant about this. Explaining a move to someone who’s been a pro player for several years now? Saying the move is easy, and that he had part in its invention, when said pro player had just admitted to not having figured out how it works from mere watching?

But Adi doesn’t seem to mind in the slightest. They offer James a fist to bump his against, then pick up their broom again. “That’s a deal,” they tell James. “I’ll show you our super-secret Butterbeer tactic in exchange.”

“Already spilling our team tactics?” Robin, who apparently overheard their conversation, calls over with a laugh. “Well, James, in that case you better get back on your broom and prove yourself worthy of it.” It’s said with so much playfulness that James doesn’t even get the chance to feel pressured by the words as he follows the instructions.

As soon as the mock match starts James feels completely settled. This is him in his element. This is what he knows how to do, and he knows how to do it well. They’re playing Chasers and Seeker against Beaters and Keeper, a rather standard training setup that James has practically grown up with. It’s easy to fall into place with the others. James thinks it might have something to do with the fact he’s been playing with an ever-changing team at Hogwarts for five years, then spent his adult years switching back and forth between two teams, taking over for any of the team Chasers. And then of course also his training with his kids, who, not seldom, required him to be adaptable in an instant. It’s a nice feeling, knowing that his years of hard work, of hours upon hours of training and the many instances of disappointment of not having already been signed fully earlier have had this effect.

It’s a hard training, and it’s a satisfying training, and when after the first mock match they go over specific tactics and work on individual issues and in the second mock match James leads Adi and Robin into a Beater feint, James decides it’s also a very fun training.

They’re standing in a big circle afterwards, going through all necessary stretches while Robin summarises the most important parts of that day’s practice and going over the plan for the upcoming one. He finishes that by looking around the circle, looking at each of the team members individually, who all give him a nod, most along with a thumbs up. James doesn’t know what that is about at all, but prepares himself to also just match the vibe and nod along when Robin looks at him last. Only, before he gets to that point, Robin says, “So, James. Do you want to join the team?”

“What?” James asks startled, his muscles, halfway contracted into an impending nod, twitching uncomfortably.

“We loved playing with you, they all agreed,” he nods towards his players. “So you’re part of the Catapults. If you want, that is, of course.”

“Of course I want!”

Robin grins. “Then welcome to the team, mate.”

“Just like that?” James is more than a little overwhelmed. “What about the other players you had considered?”

“One signed with a Belgian team before we even got to the chemistry play. One just really did not fit our team. And one is just about everything we could have wished for,” Robin ends, giving a telling nod towards James.

“I’m– yeah,” James stutters. “Uh. Sorry, this was a lot quicker than I expected. I mean, I– I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this. Sorry, I need a second.”

“Take your time.” It’s Seth, who says it, which surprises James nearly more than the rest of the conversation has had so far. “Just know that our manager has the contract ready in her office.”

What do you mean? James wants to shout. They have the contract ready for him to sign? Already? Is this normal? He probably should have looked into how these things usually go before coming here.

Adi clearly can read the surprise off James’ face. With a smug grin they explain, “Robin was convinced you’d be the one to join us from the beginning. Was absolutely in love with your play style. Though I do think it also has a lot to do with the fact that he recognised a hint of his own training from his time back at Hogwarts in you, so I guess he’s just a bit biased there as well.”

“Not at all,” Robin defends himself. “You’re fast, you’re precise, you have a very unique way of reading the play before it happens and clearly also bring your own ideas for new tactics and strategies along with you. You’re not afraid to go for difficult Quaffles at all. You take risks and it pays off for you, which is precisely what defines the Catapults. That’s pretty much what Llewellyn forged into our legacy. But then you also clearly recognise when you need to play it safe and go more for a secure win than for a showy match. You know your strengths and your limits and know how to build off of both. It’s all the things we need from a pro player.” After a small pause he adds with a grin, “And you clearly get along with all of us, which you know, also not an insginifacnt factor.”

Their Keeper, Hannah, laughs. “I mean, you got Seth to talk to you unprompted, that’s an incredible achievement in and of itself.”

Seth gives Hannah a half-hearted V-sign while still grinning in the vague direction of James.

James thinks he might be blushing a little. It’s so much praise and recognition for this thing he truly cares about and prides himself in. On top of that it’s from people he’s been looking up to for years. It’s a lot to take in.

“Well,” he says after having taken a very deep breath, collecting himself enough to produce words at all, “in that case I’d be very, very happy to sign your contract.”

 

Regulus
Marlene told me to remind you of our double date with her and Dorcas on Saturday. We are supposed to meet them at five in the Leaky Cauldron.

James hasn’t even remotely managed to calm down yet after having wrapped up the training, saying goodbye and see you next week to his new teammates and signed his contract. It’s all still too much. He hasn’t stopped inwardly screaming yet and he desperately needs to outwardly scream as well. It still feels very surreal, he’s still not entirely convinced he isn’t dreaming all of this up. He’s only just exited the stadium, sitting down on that same bench he’d been waiting on earlier, to collect himself and immediately tell Sirius. He’d meant to send his best friend a photo of the signed contract, but before he’s gotten the chance to send off the message, another notification appears on the top of his screen.

Regulus
The training went alright, by the way. Terence boasted a lot to the other children that I’m his private teacher now. I don’t think they were very happy about that. I had no idea how to make him stop talking about that, though, and Marlene was no help either.
How is your Thing going?

Something uncomfortable slowly collects in James’ stomach. Unease creeping up into his chest, gradually pushing his excitement aside.

Regulus.

He’s not ready for this to end. He’s not ready to talk about a breakup story, even less ready to play it out and then go back to ... whatever they could possibly go back to. It’s all been so good recently and James wants to keep it. He wants to keep Regulus and he wants to keep their relationship and he wants this to be real.

He could just not tell Regulus about the fact he got signed, James considers. He could keep it to himself and pretend there is still a need for the pretence of a relationship. He could, but at the same time he knows there is no point in it. It’ll be a matter of days, at best weeks, before there will be an official announcement from the team about who their new Chaser is. Even if he can avoid telling Regulus about it until then, as soon as the public knows there no longer is any point in keeping up this lie. Worse yet, if they keep pretending to date and then have to stage a breakup while press like the Witch Weekly are already sticking their nose into his private life (the conversation he’s had with Morrings about that still makes him uneasy. He really should have been thinking about this sooner, but it just always seemed to fade in importance in comparison to playing Quidditch) the fallout from that is going to be all the worse. He doesn’t want to drag his relationship into the public, even less the end of it.

He wonders what would happen if he asked Regulus out for real. If it’s more likely to ruin whatever relationship they might have, or more likely for Regulus to actually agree to it. James hasn’t forgotten that Regulus told him he neither needs nor wants a relationship, or romance, or love. He hasn’t forgotten it in the slightest, but neither has he forgotten the way Regulus kissed him, or how he had held James’ hand under the table where no one could see it, or the times he had come to sit next to James when he was having a panic attack, or all the hours spent together talking about everything and nothing. It’s difficult to look at both memories in coexistence.

He can either do nothing, wait for the news to reach Regulus and for them to then stage a fake break up for their fake relationship. Or he can ask Regulus if he wants to go out on a real date and be his real boyfriend. He ought to try, he thinks, because if he doesn’t try then the outcome will be certain, and certainly be one he does not desire.

He’ll ask, he decides. Next time he sees Regulus in person he will ask him and go from there. Really, what’s the worst thing that could happen? He’ll make a gentle approach, see how things go, and then he’ll ask Regulus.

 

—

 

James doesn’t reply to his texts. It shouldn’t bother Regulus as much as it does, but sweet Salazar does it bother him a lot.

His training with Marlene had been surprisingly nice. Although he supposes, by now it shouldn’t be as surprising anymore, since all of the trainings he’s been a part of had been like that. Maybe he should just get used to the idea that he enjoys teaching.

He’d expected that James would reply to him if not immediately, considering he’s busy doing whatever Marauders things he’s doing, but at least before he’d go to bed. But Regulus’ texts stay unanswered and it bothers him to no end.

When just after Regulus has gotten ready for sleep Sirius texts him, asking if there are any birthday party plans yet, Regulus gets properly annoyed. If Sirius already has the time to text him then surely James must too, which means that James must be ignoring him on purpose.

Regulus
No plans. I don’t want to have a party, thanks.
Also are you still with James?

Sirius
Ok so just quiet sitting together for tea time again, got it :)
And no
Ive not been with james at all all day, whyd you ask?

Regulus frowns. If James hadn’t been with Sirius, then what things had he been up to that he couldn’t tell Regulus about?

Not that James owed him any explanation. They’re not actually dating, have barely been friends before this whole act of theirs started, so there’s no reason why James should tell him any of what he’s been up to.

And yet.

And yet Regulus is bothered by the lack of information and replies. It’s so untypical of James that slowly worry creeps in along the annoyance. There is a possibility that James can’t reply to Regulus’ text messages. If something happened to him and Regulus’ first instinct was to be annoyed with him he’d feel quite bad about it.

Regulus
Have you been talking to him at all today?

Sirius
Yeah, we had a call earlier
And he just texted our gc like 5 mins ago
the marauders one
why??

Alright, no reason to feel bad about his annoyance then. Great. Good to know.

Regulus doesn’t even bother replying to Sirius. He turns off his screen and sets his phone aside on his bedside table.

He can ignore this. He’ll have to get used to James no longer talking to him soon enough anyway. Might as well start with it now.

With a deep frown and a tight feeling in his throat Regulus turns on his other side and closes his eyes.

 

When Regulus wakes up he needs a moment to remember why he’s in such a bad mood. He’s tired, had slept terribly, and feels more irritable than usual. It’s bad enough that he actually considers staying in bed, but the deadline for his paper is in less than a week and parts of his remaining time are already unavailable to him since he has a double date with James to go to.

And that. Yeah, that’s the thing that’s prematurely ruined his mood for the day already.

He glares at his phone, not bothering to turn it on, not in the mood to see James’ name written out and even less in the mood for the disappointment of his still unanswered texts waiting in their chat. He gets up, takes a shower, gets dressed, drinks a huge cup of coffee, grabs his laptop and books and stuffs them along with his phone into his satchel, and drags himself to the library. All of that he does with a scowl and an occasional huff when the need for vocalising his bad mood becomes too dire. 

It’s not until he takes a break for lunch that he does check his phone. More out of habit than a conscious decision, that he only notices when he’s immediately greeted by several new messages.

He checks Barty’s first, because he needs the moment of procrastination longer. He takes his time thinking about what other things they might need at home, comprising them into a short list to send Barty for his later trip to Tesco.

Only after that does he open James’ messages.

James Potter
oh merling im so sorry
i thought about replyign you for so long that i convinces myself i did
reply to you that is
i thought you werent answering my texts
sry
my thing went really good!!!
would love to tell you baout it
you free tomorrow?
for lunch or dinner or anything inbetween
you should also tell me all the thhings about yuor trainng then
mmm i guess you already went to sleep oh well
i hope youre sleeping well and dreaming of the most loveliest things
like yourself
or me thats also okay :)
nighty night<33
goodmorning!!!
hope youre having a good start into the day:)
lemme kno if you wanna meet up today!!

The last message was sent several hours ago. Regulus looks at it for a couple more second, then he turns off his screen and stuffs his phone deep into his pocket.

His cheeks feel hot and he is fairly sure his face is doing odd things he’d rather not anyone see.

Why does James have to be like that? Who allowed him to make Regulus’ heart beat faster with every opportunity he got?

It’s a dreadful thing, to be in love. It’s all consuming, and distracting, and so incredibly unneeded in Regulus’ case.

He tries to get back to his paper, but he cannot concentrate on it at all. Eventually he gives in and pulls his phone from his pocket again to text James back.

Regulus
Sorry for the late reply, I’m writing my paper.
Which is also why I cannot do today. I procrastinated this one for too long. I need to work more on it today, or I won’t have the time to come to Diagon Alley tomorrow.

James’ reply comes almost instantly.

James Potter
:)
*:(
this is a very sad thing
very much :( not :).
:((((((
would you be up for neeting up earlier tomorrw?
before marls and dorcas are ther

Regulus
Very unlikely, sorry.

James Potter
:(((((((((((((((((((((((((
in that case i guess i gotta tell you jere
cause itd be weird af if you find out along/from marls
i. signed the contract
with the catapults
im officially on the team
that was my thing yesterady
im still very ??? about it
but also very !!!!!!

So this is it.

Regulus stares wide eyed at the message. There’s something very odd happening in his chest. His heart cannot decide if it should jump excitedly or fall into his stomach. It does a weak attempt of doing both at the same time, stumbling over itself as Regulus types out a message.

Regulus
That’s absolutely amazing! I’m really happy for you.

James Potter
thank youuuuu
me too
also appreciate that you held in the i told you so for me :D

Regulus puts the phone aside. He doesn’t have the stomach to keep the conversation running any longer.

He is happy for James. He really, truly is. He’s incredibly proud of James, too, even if he’d been sure from the beginning that the Caerphilly Catapults would sign him. He’d had no doubts, but the joy for James isn’t lessened by it in the least.

Still, he cannot stop thinking about what this means. So this is it. The words repeat over and over in his brain.

So this

is

it.

He knew the end of their fake relationship was coming. He knew there was a deadline to it, and he knew it would be soon, but he didn’t have a date for it. James didn’t tell him the date for it. They’ve not even made any plans on how to end it, how to keep it civil enough that their friends won’t be upset, that Sirius won’t be upset with either of them.

Regulus would call it short sighted, if he hadn’t tried to talk about this since they first talked about a fake relationship. He’d known the entire time it was a necessary conversation to have. He’d just been far too happy letting James ignore the necessity for the two of them.

Well, they can’t ignore it any longer. One date left. One last time pretending Regulus isn’t hopelessly in love.

 

—

 

James is more than a little upset about the lack of enthusiasm from Regulus about his news. His friends had been amazing, Sirius had called him right after James had texted him, screaming at him excitedly, and Peter and Remus had been equally happy about it in their group chat. But they’re all happy for him, not with him. They don’t have the same feeling of gravitas to it, which makes sense. James didn’t have it when Sirius got his job. He was happy for his friend, incredibly so, but it wasn’t the same sort of happiness Sirius must have felt. It couldn’t have been.

But he’d thought Regulus of all people would get it. Would understand just how important a change this is, but one single rather lacklustre text message tells him different. It puts a bit of a damper on James’ mood and hope that he might get an affirmative answer if he asked Regulus out on a date.

This is, what he assumes, people mean when they talk about testing the waters. And his waters are currently looking rather murky and uninviting. If Regulus shows this little interest in James’ big life achievements, then how much interest can he possibly have in James himself?

James’ only hope is that the disinterest stemmed from the communication over text. Maybe he is delusional about this, but there remains the possibility that when he sees Regulus in real life he will get a (in his opinion) more appropriate reaction to having made it onto his dream Quidditch team.

He holds onto that hope all throughout the rest of the day and the next. He has a late breakfast date with Sirius on Saturday to celebrate their respective new employment status. It momentarily takes away the need for holding onto hope, since he gets to hold onto his best friend instead, but once Sirius has left James is back to hoping.

At half four James makes his way over to Regulus’ flat. They haven’t talked about James picking him up, for them to get to the Leaky Cauldron together, but it makes the most sense to James. He’s just hoping that Regulus hasn’t already left, since that would not just be embarrassing but also difficult to explain to Barty, should he be at home.

 

Barty is, in fact, home. He opens the door and immediately scowls at James. “Why is it always Saturday?”

“What?” James asks dumbfounded.

“There are seven days in a week,” Barty says, still blocking the doorway, “why do you always have to plan things that interfere with horror night?”

“I didn’t plan this, this one’s on Marlene, I think,” James asserts. “Uhm... Regulus?” he adds, unsure if he should ask if Regulus is ready or home.

Barty grunts displeased and moves aside, beckoning James into the flat.

In front of Regulus’ bedroom door, James stops uncertainly. He can feel Barty watching him as he lifts his hand to rap against the door and gently call, “Reg? Can I come in?”

There is a moment of silence, then the door swings open. With a glance over his shoulder confirming that Barty is still scowling at him, James steps into Regulus’ room.

And stops as soon as he spots Regulus sitting on his bed, a book in his lap and his wand next to him. James’ stomach flips violently.

He hadn’t forgotten about that impromptu sleepover two weeks prior. He just hadn’t prepared himself for how hard the memory would affect him when presented with Regulus back on that same bed James had pinned him against. It makes the world around him tilt, fall out of focus, with the only thing sharp and in colour being Regulus himself.

Regulus, who finally looks up from his book as James blindly closes the door behind himself.

He can see James’ thoughts, James is sure. He must also feel the tilt that’s happened to the world as well, can see the memory of them kissing in Regulus bed play out in front of him too. For a moment they’re just staring at each other, both remembering that thing they promised they would forget. Just for a moment, the world tilting around them both, pushing them closer together, and for that moment James thinks it’s inevitable they will end up in the same position they did two weeks ago. Just that moment, and then Regulus clears his throat and looks down as he closes his book, and the moment is over.

“I didn’t know you were coming.”

James needs a second longer to find his voice again. “I thought it’d make sense if we went there together...”

Regulus shrugs. “I was about to get changed and then leave anyway, so that’s fine by me.”

“Change?”

Regulus gets up, looking at James unimpressed. “I’m not going out dressed in this.”

“But you look nice.”

“It’s not suitable for a date.”

James shifts around uncomfortably. “I didn’t dress up for this. Should I have gotten changed? It’s just Marls and Dorcas and Diagon Alley, I thought–”

“You’re fine, James,” Regulus interrupts him, giving James a quick look over through the mirror in his wardrobe door. “With the way you look no one’s going to care what you wear anyway.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” James really isn’t sure if that’s supposed to be an insult or a compliment.

Regulus just rolls his eyes. “I just care about the way I present myself, so I’m going to get changed.”

And he proceeds to do just that.

James thinks he might have a heart attack. He remembers that day in the Elqueue office when Regulus had told him not to stare while he undressed for the shower. He thinks he should probably also look away now. Unfortunately he isn’t capable of much more than that thought, though, as Regulus pulls his hoodie over his head, standing bare-chested between James and a mirror.

Regulus stretches, arms raised above his head, showing off the muscles in his back and shoulders he clearly hasn’t lost since his time as a Seeker. James is discovering so many more places that should bear his love bites.

Regulus lowers his arms again and pulls a shirt from his wardrobe. Just before putting it on he looks at James in the mirror, raising one eyebrow. James thinks he should probably look away in embarrassment, but he still can’t get himself to avert his eyes. He just keeps trailing them across Regulus’ bare skin, until Regulus finally covers it with his shirt.

“Do you also want to watch while I put on different trousers?” Regulus asks, now both eyebrows raised.

“I mean...” James clears his throat.

Regulus keeps looking at him through the mirror, unblinking, and then he puts his hands on his waistband, slowly popping the buttons open.

James can feel the tension rising in the room again. It’s like it had been earlier, a tilt to the world, a blur to his conscience. It feels a little too intentional, though, and in the end he has to look away. Turn his head and fix his eyes on Regulus’ desk instead.

If he was anyone else he might have kept looking. If he wasn’t himself with his weird sexual thing he might have acted on the flirting, the invite, the tension. But he’s not, he’s just himself, and frustratingly enough this crosses a boundary for him somewhere. James is rarely bothered by it, but here, in this room, with Regulus, he does wish he’d be easier with it all.

“Alright, I’m ready to go. Did you want to apparate or take the Floo?” Regulus asks as if nothing had happened at all. Maybe he couldn’t feel the tilting world after all.

James finally turns his gaze back on Regulus. He looks absolutely lovely. Because of course he does.

“Apparate is fine by me,” James says tearing his eyes off of the dainty silver chain around Regulus’ neck. He’s going to absolutely suffer having to look at this all evening.

 

Marlene and Dorcas are late, but not terribly so, which very clearly is only thanks to Dorcas having dragged her girlfriend out of their house as soon as she could manage.

It’s been years since he last went school supply shopping with Peter and Marlene, and still it reminds James of those days every single time he comes back to Diagon Alley. A few shops have changed since then, but overall everything still looks the same as the very first time he has ever been here and the familiarity, the way he can tell which side street has which shops, recalling at what time which of those opens or closes, or pointing out his favourite graffiti on the side of some building fills him with very childish joy.

Regulus is holding his hand, fingers interlocked, which is also adding to it. It still doesn’t make up for James’ disappointment about the fact that he hasn’t even mentioned James having made it onto the Caerphilly team. Every time he thinks about it it adds another stab into his heart.

It gets worse when Marlene asks him if he’s heard anything back yet from the Catapults’ manager. For a moment James looks uncertainly at Regulus, forgetting that he is not Sirius, he is not going to encourage to tell Marlene or keep it secret for another while. Regulus is just looking at the cobblestones beneath their feet as they stroll along the street, resolutely not taking part in the conversation. It hurts more than James could have expected.

“I, uh,” James hems and haws, “yeah. I did, actually, very much so. I signed a contract with them.” At that he can’t help but grin, despite the hurt he’s feeling.

Marlene stops short in her tracks, forcing Dorcas to do the same. “Shut up!” she shrieks. “That’s incredible! Merlin, James, why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I had to process it all myself before I really could tell anyone,” he admits. “Still doesn’t feel real. I don’t think it will until I start properly training with them.”

“That’s really amazing, James, I’m so happy for you,” Dorcas tells him heartfelt. Marlene nods along hard enough that it must make her dizzy. Regulus still isn’t saying anything. “When is your training going to start?”

“I’ll start next week, but the current Chaser will also still train with us. We’re doing the first match with split positions, so I’ll only play some of it to slowly get properly familiar with the team.”

“This is so fucking cool!” Marlene lets go of Dorcas’ hand and throws her arms around James’ neck instead, squeezing him tightly. It forces James to also let go of Regulus’ hand, and honestly, right now he doesn’t mind too much. If Regulus can’t even pretend to be happy for him with this James doesn’t feel like he can sell this relationship right now anyway. “Man, I can’t believe one of my best friends is officially a top Quidditch player now...”

“Shhh,” James urges her, worriedly glancing at the people walking past them. “It’s not official news yet, so please still keep it within our friend group.”

“Sure sure,” Marlene agrees immediately, pulling back to look at him. “So how’ve you celebrated so far? I expect excellent sex with your boyfriend, but what else?”

“Uh...” James looks at Regulus a little flustered. Regulus is wearing a perfectly blank expression.

“We’ve not had the time to celebrate yet,” he says easily.

James frowns. They should be lying about this. This is not what anyone would expect from them as a couple, Regulus must know that.

As if on cue Marlene exclaims, “What? We need to change that immediately! James, I’m buying you ice cream and then we’re making a trip to Quality Quidditch.”

She’s not even waiting for anyone to voice their opinions on it before taking hold of her girlfriend’s hand again and walking towards Fiorella Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor.

James follows, Regulus besides him, though they’re not holding hands this time. James doesn’t like this. The waters keep getting darker and deeper and if it continues like this he feels like he should stop testing them soon. “Do you want to go home?” James asks quietly.

“What?”

“Do you want to leave?”

Regulus looks at him warily. “Why would I?”

“I don’t know...” James shrugs. “You don’t seem like you’re up for this.”

Regulus doesn’t say anything. Which feels like answer enough in and of itself.

James sighs. “It’s not gonna be that much longer. Just ... can you at least pretend to be happy for me for the time being? This is a big thing for me and I don’t really... well, I don’t really want you to ruin that for me.”

“I am happy for you,” Regulus says. But the way he says it sounds like there is some follow up but still waiting to be said. He doesn’t get it, though, since they’ve reached their destination, Dorcas and Marlene pulling out chairs around one of the tables now back in ear shot.

 

—

 

Regulus is happy for James. He’s just sad for himself, and frustrated with himself for it. It’s a good thing they’re going to fake break up soon, because James definitely deserves better than this, real or fake. He deserves someone who doesn’t let his own jealousy over James’ success and his own stupid feelings and broken heart pull James’ down while he should be nothing but joyful.  

Regulus tries to be joyful. He really does. He picks out an aggressively fun sounding ice cream combination, just to force himself into the right mindset. He bumps his ankle against James’ underneath the table while they eat. He even lets Marlene make fun of him about how intimidated he had been by all the children during their lesson together, with only minimal complaints. He tries so hard for James’ sake, but he still doesn’t think it’s enough. He can’t shake the gloomy feelings regarding the very, very near future off himself, and he thinks it makes him a little worse than usual at hiding his true feelings.

Regulus knows that James can tell. He also knows that James is disappointed by it. It makes Regulus feel rather miserable about himself.

It gets a little better when they all finish their ice cream and make their way to Quality Quidditch Supplies. Because James gets immediately distracted and his excitement about all the different equipment overshadows everything else. And Regulus catches some of it. He’s been in love with Quidditch for long enough that he’s also not immune to the prettily laid out supplies.

He takes the time to look around for equipment for himself. If he’s going to do this semi-professionally now as well, he should probably work on his stock eventually. He is a little scared to look at the brooms – he knows he can’t afford a good one, but he’s not yet dared to check for just how disappointing a broom he will have to settle. However, considering he is here already and really should sort this out soon...

Regulus slowly makes his way over to the broom section, trying to not to make it look like that is exactly what he’s doing. He doesn’t particularly want James’ or Marlene’s or even Dorcas’ attention on him regarding this. It may be because of how he’d been brought up, but the idea of anyone seeing him look at low quality, cheap brooms makes him so incredibly embarrassed he cannot quite bear the thought.

But James is deep in conversation with the shop owner, and Marlene is explaining the different types of Chaser gloves to her girlfriend right now, so Regulus feels safe enough to check the back.

It becomes apparent almost instantly that what Regulus can afford and what he wants to buy are not in the least compatible. He expected as much, and still the pang of disappointment hits him harder than he could have foretold.

The Cleansweep series. That’s a proper new low.

He could probably scrape together enough money to afford one of the older Comet models, but that would make eating a bit more difficult for a while, especially since he’s not going to have James to invite him over for dinner every couple days anymore.

Almost reverently he runs his fingers over the handle of a Silver Sail. It’s similar to James’ broom, but according to the little sign besides it (that conveniently leaves out the price) the shape of the tail is specifically designed for better agility over acceleration. A perfect Seeker broom.

With a sigh Regulus pulls back from the broom. No point in falling in love with yet another thing he won’t get to have.

He walks down the aisle a few steps and stops in front of a lot less pretty row of brooms. He’s tentatively weighing one of them in his hand, when suddenly there is a hand on his lower back and a low voice murmuring right into his ear, “Don’t buy that one.”

Regulus looks up startled to find James hovering right behind him. “What?”

“It’s a shit broom,” James says, removing the hand from his back, but staying just as close. “You deserve better.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t afford better,” Regulus snaps.

James frowns. “At least wait until the beginning of next month, then.”

“Why?”

“They’re releasing a new model, so all the old ones will get cheaper to account for it. So you can get something at least a tiny bit nicer.”

Regulus doesn’t like the way James is talking to him here. It is too degrading of the brooms’ quality. It feels too representative of how he feels about the brooms himself. Still, though, he sets the broom back onto its display stand. James looks almost relieved about it.

 

They leave the shop half an hour later – Marlene with a new pair of gloves, James with some sort of brochure from the shop owner he quickly tucks away in his pocket. Glad to finally leave the visual of the gorgeous brooms Regulus can’t afford behind, he leaves with nothing at all.

Regulus didn’t think he could feel any worse than between Quidditch equipment reminding him of his financial status as well as his soon to be changing (fake) relationship status. But that was before, on their way back towards the Leaky Cauldron, they get stopped in the middle of the street by a group of three people.

At first Regulus doesn’t understand what’s happening. All three are tense, shoulders tight and hands fiddling nervously. Two are hiding behind the third, who seems to have been chosen as the leader of the group as she calls for Marlene’s attention, clutching her phone tightly in her hands.

Even when the girl in front asks Marlene for a photo it takes a moment for Regulus to understand what’s going on. He assumes she means a photo of her and her two friends, but when instead the three of them arrange themselves around Marlene and take a selfie with her, it finally clicks in Regulus’ brain.

Fans. These are Marlene’s fans. Because she is well known on the internet, and not only Muggles use the internet, and therefore not only Muggles know about Marlene.

“I can take a pic for you,” James offers then. “Might be easier to get all of you on the photo that way.”

“That would be really nice, thank you,” the leader girl says, already handing her phone off to James before even properly looking at him.

But the looking happens a moment later.

Regulus might call it comical, the way the familiarity first draws her eyebrows together, before recognition smooths them out again. He might call it comical, if the movement wasn’t followed by her eyes first running up and down James’ figure, clearly checking him out, before flicking over to Regulus and taking him in with that same, not at all comical recognition.

She doesn’t say anything until after James has taken several photos for her. Until after she has looked through them, approved of them, and then nudged her friends with a little nod that she’s trying so hard to make inconspicuous towards Regulus.

Regulus’ skin starts crawling with the too familiar feeling of being watched and being judged for existing. He knows what’s coming. He knows what this is.

He hadn’t realised before, not to this extend. Hadn’t understood what exactly all of these things meant. Marlene having a popular social media presence. Marlene featuring James in her videos. Marlene talking about his and James’ relationship.

He hadn’t realised all of the things this would entail, not in the long run. Not in the overarching picture. The one where people who are aware of them on the internet can also potentially perceive them in real life. The one where James has a dream, one that is currently coming true. The one where an overlap of people who will care about James’ career and Marlene’s career exist.

If even one single person who watches Marlene’s videos and is invested in whatever story she has concocted about them cares about Quidditch, this is going to be a much bigger problem than Regulus could have ever foretold. People already care about him and James. How much are they going to care once they see James flying with one of the best teams in Great Britain? The same people who watch Marlene’s videos and are invested in rumours and gossip about a secret relationship between James and Regulus will be the very same people who will contact a newspaper with rumours and gossip about a prominent figure in the wizarding world.

Regulus knows how these things go. He’s seen them countless times. Has been warned about them by his parents countless times. You need to present yourself well and proper at all times, Regulus. Do not slack, do not slouch, do not misstep even an inch. People are watching and are waiting to bring about your downfall. And when they tear you down, they will find out more about you, and make it impossible to return to a before. Do not let this fall back on our family.

Regulus remembers it. He remembers all of it. And for how awful his family have been to him, for how many lies they brought him up with about love and belonging, there had never been a lie about legacy or reputation, because these were the things that mattered to them.

Marlene doesn’t know these things, because her reputation relies on these same factors that could bring about the downfall of James’ career. She cannot know, because to her these are only positives.

James doesn’t know about these things, because with all his worries of the future and of the expectations people might have of him, he still remains too short sighted to consider the reality behind it all. He doesn’t see it, because James has only ever been popular. His worries lie in him not meeting the standards he’s set for himself, when really he should be worrying about all the lies people could make up about him to hurt him and his career.

Regulus knows about these things, because he has witnessed them and he has lived them and he managed to escape it all, and now he is witnessing them and living them again, and it terrifies him.

“Can we also take a photo with you?” the girl asks, lifting her phone, motioning towards James and Regulus. “It’s just so cool to see you in real life! I hope this doesn’t sound weird, but you really look sweet together. So?” Another questioning shake of her phone.

James looks a little startled, put on the spot, a spot he had clearly not even considered before. He reaches out for Regulus, a hand slowly sneaking around his waist as he speaks. “Uh, I mean, su–”

“We don’t need to make this into a bigger thing than it already is, honey,” Regulus interrupts, words sharp, voice quiet and cold.

James immediately drops his hand as if burned and takes a step back. He blinks several times, something shifting behind his eyes. Finally it settles. Whatever it is Regulus doesn’t get to see it, as with another blink it gets hidden behind a charming smile and a warm voice as he addresses the group. “Not today, sorry, but it’s really cool that you recognised me from Marl’s videos. I really should join her again some time.”

Regulus doesn’t listen to whatever small talk they fall into after that. He can’t quite find the right rhythm to breathe in, can’t quite hear the noise of Diagon Alley over the blood rushing in his ears. He wants to go home.

It’s the last of their fake dates, he reminds himself. This is the last time they’ll be doing this. And whatever damage has been done already, they can keep it small and shrink it further before James gets too well known. It’s their last date, and then people will stop looking at Regulus and seeing a way to harm the people he loves.

Notes:

sorry for the longer wait in between but man, life.... you know?

in case you missed it (and also want a little pick me up after this chapter) i drew the after match kiss from last chapter and linked to it in the previous end notes <33

also, you know the drill by now, but this chapter once again deserves a little shout out to world aint ready my beloved, the most fic to ever fic. the 'honey' has found its purpose here, specifically.

find me on tumblr

Chapter 19: The Timing’s Always Wrong for the Ones Who Wait Too Long

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from BAD LUCK! by Jhariah

kissing bricks :)

James didn’t stop Regulus when he said he wanted to leave pretty much immediately after the group of Marlene’s fans went on their way again. He wasn’t surprised in the least. Which doesn’t change the fact that it absolutely tears his heart apart as Regulus’ words play over and over in his head.

He got the message, alright. Not making this a bigger thing than it already is. Because pretending as they are is already bad enough.

Not surprising. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

It isn’t until Regulus texts him a few hours after that James realises, despite it all, he had somehow still had hope. Some awful, misplaced spark that gets choked out by the letters glaring at him from his screen, but not without leaving another singeing hole in his heart.

Regulus
We need to talk. This needs to end.

James genuinely considers not answering. He considers turning off his phone and never turning it on again. He considers ignoring the message, pretending it doesn’t exist, until he sees Regulus again and can continue pretending the way they’ve had so far.

He considers a lot of things, but in the end he replies anyway.

James
ok
when?

Regulus
I have my first proper lesson with Terence tomorrow, which I still need to prepare for. I can do after that.

James
cool
works for me

Regulus
7pm at yours?

James
ok

James feels sick. And he wants to cry. And he wants Sirius to hug him and tell him it’ll be okay, despite everything pointing to the contrary.

In the end he curls up in bed and tries to continue reading the book Regulus lent him. It’s difficult, though, when just then the main character realises how lonely her life has become due to her career and success, and James can’t help but want to close the book to choose a different story for himself too. In the end he gives up and just goes to sleep early instead.

 

Regulus shows up exactly on time. Because it’s Regulus, and showing up late is probably criminal offence to him.

James didn’t think cooking together made much sense under these circumstances, so he’s spent the past one and a half hours in his kitchen, preparing spinach and ricotta cannelloni and wondering if he should have also gotten something for dessert.

“How was your lesson?” James asks.

“Fine,” Regulus says.

James waits for more to follow, but there’s nothing. Finally he prompts, “Wanna tell me about it?”

“I think Terence expected less theory and more immediate success.”

James nods. “Kids always do... What did you teach him?”

“Look, James, I appreciate you asking, but I think we have more important things to discuss.”

James squares his jaw, and closes his eyes, just for a second. “Can we eat first?” he asks finally. “I’d rather not let this ruin my dinner.”

Regulus doesn’t answer, but he also doesn’t yet try to steer the conversation towards any kinds of endings.

 

—

 

James so clearly put a lot of effort into cooking dinner for them. It’s a bit of a shame, because Regulus can’t quite enjoy it the way he’d have done any other day. He gets that James wants to eat first, but Regulus just really wants to have this conversation be over with.

They eat in silence. James doesn’t talk, which Regulus finds absolutely nerve-wracking. He doesn’t even ask if Regulus is enjoying the food, which feels wrong on so many levels that in the end Regulus tells him unprompted, in nothing more than a little mumble between bites. James smiles at him for it, and for a moment everything feels a little better.

Afterwards Regulus helps with cleaning up, and James doesn’t complain about it. That, too, feels wrong.

James still doesn’t really talk by the time they’ve sat down on his sofa. He carries Regulus’ glass of water for him into the living room and asks if he wants to listen to music, which Regulus declines, and then waits silently for Regulus to start the conversation.

“You’ve gotten onto the team,” Regulus starts. “Sirius is starting his new job tomorrow.”

James nods.

“We should have discussed how to plan this breakup weeks ago.”

“I didn’t want to have to think about it...”

“Yeah, well, we need to think about it now. What is your breakup plan for me?”

That actually gets a proper reaction out of James. A first for the evening. A startled, “What?”

“In this hypothetical relationship, how are you breaking up with me?”

“Why would I be the one to break up with you?”

Regulus frowns. The same way it had always been him who initiated the relationship, the one who would have kissed James in that hypothetical bar, the same way it would have always been James who’d eventually end the relationship. Why in the world would Regulus, who’s been harbouring feelings since he was twelve years old, who’s been pining after James and jealously glaring at all the people James has been making out with over the years, why would he be the one to ask for their relationship to end?

“Because it makes more sense,” Regulus says.

“No, it doesn’t.”

“And why not?”

James frowns, a frustrated thing as he opens and closes his mouth a couple times before he says. “We’ve had sex. In this hypothetical relationship.” Not just in that hypothetical relationship, Regulus adds in his thoughts. At least to him that’s what it had been. “Our friends know about that. Or they believe it, at least.”

“So?”

The frustration carves itself deeper into James’ face. “I wouldn’t do that if I wasn’t in love with you.” 

“Maybe you were just curious.”

“That’s not how this works, Regulus.” James sounds sad, or maybe just exhausted, as he says it.

“Well, you think our friends haven’t figured the same for me?” 

“What?”

Regulus is starting to understand that frustration still lining James’ forehead. “You’re supposed to be my first boyfriend. What do you think that implies?” 

James looks away at that, turning his face so Regulus can’t see it anymore. His shoulders tense in that same defensive posture Regulus has seen him do before. He cannot figure out what James is protecting himself from right now, though. 

It’s only a handful of seconds before he faces him again. “So what’s your solution? We keep this lie up for all eternity?” 

Regulus wouldn’t hate that idea all that much, if it weren’t for the attached circumstances. James’ career. The people watching them both. The harm this lie could bring if it was ever revealed to the public. 

The lie itself. 

“We make up something. Something happened that warranted a breakup.”

“Like what?”

“You cheated on me, or something.”

James laughs, an ugly, humourless thing. “Yeah, because that makes perfect sense.”

“And why wouldn’t it?” 

“I just told you about this. You really think I’d fuck someone else when I’m with you?” 

Regulus can’t help the way his breath catches in his throat, even in this situation. James looks almost angry now, and Regulus needs him to grab him hard by the waist and push him down on the sofa and–

“How about you’re the one who cheated? Our friends had no problem believing that before.” It’s a sneer, nothing more. Blunt and cruel and Regulus flinches. The images of James above him, meticulously taking him apart quickly disappear. “No,” he says, voice small. 

“And why not?” James spats. 

Because I wouldn’t. “I don’t want Sirius to hate me.”

“Oh, but you’d be fine with him hating me for the same reason?” 

“He wouldn’t. He’d never hate you.”

James scoffs. “You underestimate how much he loves you.”

Regulus doesn’t say anything to that. He knows Sirius loves James more. He got to choose James, after all, while he had to take Regulus as he was. He got to choose James and did so over and over again. Regulus doesn’t fault him for it anymore. He gets it. He’d also choose James over himself. 

“Not cheating,” James finally says, deflating. “Let’s figure something else out. Something where there’s no blame.” 

In the end Regulus tries it with the truth. Or as much of it as is applicable for their situation. “Quidditch,” he says.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re about to be a star player. Doesn’t work well with me as your boyfriend.”

James frowns. “Why wouldn’t it?”

“The media cares too much. They’ll pick you apart over my family, over Sirius, my parents, their awful politics. You need to find your own place in that world first before you can figure out how I fit into it.” Regulus hesitates for a moment. It feels wrong using James’ fake love for their fake breakup. “When your teammate told you about all the publicity stuff. The guy whose wife left him over all the fan post and harassment... You didn’t want to risk that, so ... we’re on an indefinite break. We’ll just never get out of the break. Let it fizzle out.”

James is still frowning, but he is considering Regulus’ words. “The blame is still on me,” he says. “It doesn’t make sense. I wouldn’t–”

“My fears, then,” Regulus interrupts. “I want to keep it a secret because I can’t deal with being watched all the time and I’m scared of your jealous fans making you hate me when they constantly flirt with you.” Too much truth in that, even if Regulus’ reaction to that last part would be to make sure everyone knew just who James belonged to. “You don’t want it to be a secret. It’s a hard no from me to be public about it. You break up with me because we agree there’s no solution that works for us both.”

“You’re still making me the one who breaks up,” James notes.

“You have to be,” Regulus says. “I wouldn’t bring it up. You’re the one who communicates and finds solutions.”

James presses his lips together, swallowing down a seemingly sarcastic reply. “Alright,” he agrees instead after another second. “That’s doable. I guess our expectations for what we are simply do not align.”

And isn’t that just the sad truth.

Regulus nods. He can do this. “Yesterday was the final trigger. Dorcas and Marlene also saw that I reacted badly to others knowing, so it’s believable. This is our breakup conversa–”

“No,” James interrupts.

“James...”

“No,” he repeats more insistently. “I’m not breaking up with you days before your birthday. Especially not when you still have a paper to finish before then. I’m not doing that. I don’t care how miserable you think fake me is in this pretend relationship, I wouldn’t do this to you.”

“I don’t care about my birthday.”

“But I do. I’m not doing that. If you want me to be the one to initiate the breakup then this has to wait until after your birthday.”

Regulus can feel the frustration bubbling up inside him, scratching at the back of his throat, threatening to leak out through his eyes. He’s not going to cry over this. He’s not. “Fine,” he snaps. “The end of the week, then. But you need to stop treating me all soft and loving, James. This is ending. Make it look like it.”

“Noted,” James says bitterly. “I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

 

James keeps to his word. Not only does he not touch Regulus again, not for the remainder of the evening, over the next couple days he also doesn’t really text Regulus beyond the very occasional message. He’d seen it coming and yet Regulus can’t deny that he isn’t at least a little surprised by how much like a breakup this already feels. And it isn’t even supposed to be a breakup yet.

James’ messages lack their usual chaos. They’re fewer in number and in typos, the lack of exclamation marks and smileys actually hurts to look at, and the one song James sends him sounds nearly just as depressing as the almost correct grammar looks.

Regulus distracts himself by writing his paper. It’s the best thing he’s ever written, purely because he spends far more time on it than necessary.

Barty notices, of course. It’s inevitable, considering they live together. When he asks about it, about Regulus’ slightly too snappy replies, and the lack of James in their flat (or the lack of Regulus’ absence from it), Regulus gives his uni work as an excuse.

“Pretty sure taking breaks and letting your boyfriend fuck your brains out would not only help with your mood but also with the quality of your work.”

Regulus would agree, if he had the option to do so. But since he has neither a boyfriend nor anyone else to fuck him at the moment, he asks instead, “How does that make sense? The quality of my work depends on me having a brain.”

“Yeah, but you need a factory reset every now and then,” Barty argues. “You’ll get all obdurate thinking about only ever the same things.”

“Yeah, well,” Regulus huffs, already tired of the conversation, “we’re both currently too busy for that kind of stuff.”

The updates Regulus does get from James – long messages, utilising punctuation marks – give him enough insight into James’ days to figure that much out.

The day after their conversation James went over to Sirius’ place along with Peter and Remus to have a celebratory end-of-the-first-workday dinner for Sirius. Sirius had seemed positive about his new job so far, which Regulus is relieved to hear. He’d hate if he went through all this shit in an effort to better his brother’s mental health only to have him hate his new job, too.

Tuesday, James has his last training with the Basilisks, which apparently was a tearful event, everyone upset about James leaving. Regulus can relate to that.

Wednesday marks the first day of James’ training with the Catapults and also the first time in nearly a week that Regulus gets an excited message from James.

James Potter
<Picture Attached>
holy shit look at this !!!
its!! my name!! on a catapults shirt!!!
even got my hogwarts time number again :D

It’s a selfie of James, standing with his back to a mirror, a bright grin on his face, showing off the red and green striped uniform with the same lettering on the back as the jumper Regulus is currently wearing. It suits him. It looks eerily like someone squashed the Gryffindor uniform together with the Bournemouth Basilisks one and combined them into the perfect fit for James Potter personally.

Right then it makes Regulus miss him terribly, and for just a moment he pulls James’ jumper up over his nose, hugging his arms around himself, and pretends James is there with him.

Regulus
That suits you so well. Did you have to fight for the 4 or was that luck?

James Potter
mostly luck!
it shouldve been robins since hes captain and all but he wanted to keep his 5
so i got my 4 back :D
anyway gotta go ive a training to attend
good luck with ediing your paper!!

Regulus reads the texts several times. Then scrolls up through the barely a dozen texts of the last five days and reads those, until he’s reached the newest of James’ messages again. He genuinely doesn’t know how he’s supposed to live with those proper, distant messages for the rest of his life when he’s gotten to know James’ excited texting. It’s worse than no messages at all, and Regulus knows what that means.

 

—

 

James’ first real training with the Caerphilly Catapults is amazing. It’s not much different from any other training he’s had in his life, except for the fact that every few minutes he remembers that this is real and this is his favourite team and he is part of that now. He is, officially, a Catapults Chaser. His name will be written on team records. The people he’s idolised for so long now share a changing room with him and have his phone number. Little kids might grow up idolising him, the same way he’s done when he was a child and wanted to grow up to play just like his favourite Quidditch players. This is his reality now, and so far it is everything he’s wanted it to be.

James gets along well with everyone on the team, even Cory, the Chaser he’s replacing. She uses half the training time to give him all the information she thinks might be useful for him. The other players’ quips and quirks she’s had to get used to over the years, like Adi’s tendency to make very hard passes after a sharp right turn, Hannah’s preference for very long shots when reintroducing the Quaffle after a goal, or the various hand signs she’s come up with to signal when and where she needs Beater protection. James takes note of it all, but is certain half of it he won’t remember unless he actually picks up on it through playing himself. 

He’s exhausted afterwards, looking forward to a quiet night in to internalise everything he’s learned today and prepare himself for tomorrow’s training. But before he gets to leave Robin pulls him aside. 

“Just so you know,” he starts in a low voice, “This month’s first edition of the Quidditch Times comes out tomorrow and there will be the official announcement that you’ll be our new player. It’s nothing big or anything. Just a small article summarising our team, saying goodbye and thank you to Cory, and confirming that you’ll make your debut in our next game. So I don’t think you’ll have anything to fear from that. But just in case any journalists should reach out to you for your statement on it make sure to refer them to our manager first. Until you’ve had proper media training Alex will do all the organising of any public matters.” 

James nods, a ball of equal parts anxiety and excitement forming in his stomach. “Just my name in there?” he asks to make sure. 

“I signed off on a version that mentioned you played for Bournemouth and London before and were captaining during your time at Hogwarts, so really not much more than the absolute necessary parts. No fun facts about you or your play style, no photo of you yet, so just the things I checked with you before.”

“Nice,” James nods. “Thank you for the warning!” 

Robin smiles and gives him a clap on his back. “No problem at all. Let me know should anything actually come up.” 

 

Despite his usual habit, James checks his post box early the next morning, eagerly awaiting his copy of the Quidditch Times. He has to go downstairs to check three times because the first two times the post hadn’t yet come and he is impatient.

The third time his post box is finally filled with the familiar magazine. James doesn’t even wait until he’s back upstairs in his flat before he starts flipping through the pages, skipping all the content about broom development and past games until he gets to the section about the teams. 

The article about the Catapults is the second one, right after an article about the development of last issue’s subject picking apart the Appleby and Wasps’ dynamic after the player transfer. 

It’s quite a long article, mainly appreciating Cory and thanking her for all the years as a Chaser and wishing her well in her retirement. But there, towards the end, is James’ name. 

Following Caddell’s retirement as the Caerphilly Catapult’s Chaser, the team will be completed by James Potter. Potter has previously played as a reserve Chaser for the Bournemouth Basilisks, as well as the London Quidditch (Elqueue) team. He has proven himself a strong team player since his Hogwarts days, where he led his team as Gryffindor’s Quidditch Captain towards several House Cups. We are looking forward to seeing where the Caerphilly Catapults will go following this change of their team make-up and are excited to watch what qualities James Potter has to offer for his new team and fans. 

James is grinning stupidly at the article. James Potter. That’s him. Black on white, his name written with the names of the already well known and loved Catapults players. His stomach is doing a flip, a joyous, breathy noise stuck in his throat. He feels very similar to when he last kissed Regulus. 

Which makes him reach out to his phone and click on Regulus’ contact before his brain has even computed the thought. 

It rings twice before James remembers Regulus’ last reaction to news about James’ joining his favourite Quidditch team.

He immediately ends the call. 

The happy skipping of his heart quickly turns into a stumble. He misses the days when he’d sit together with Regulus and things were good. Good enough that James actually got hope. This, now, isn’t much different than how it had been before Regulus first walked in on him having a panic attack in Sirius’ bathroom. Only James now knows how it could have been, what he could have had, if things were different. And how he wishes they were different. 

His phone rings. James looks down at the screen to see Regulus’ name lighting up. He hesitates a moment before he picks up the call. 

“James? Are you okay?” Regulus’ voice comes through the speaker before James even gets the chance to greet him. 

“I– yeah?” 

“Oh.” A pause. “Did you call by accident?” 

“No, I–” he hesitates again. “I wanted to tell you something before I remembered that you probably won’t care and are most likely busy with your paper. Unless you’ve already handed it in?” 

“Not yet, I’m currently doing my last readthrough.” 

“That’s really good! Good luck with your last editing then, I don’t want to bother you more. I’ll see you tomorrow for your birthday tea.” 

James is staying on the line longer than he should. He just wants to at least hear Regulus tell him goodbye. 

He’s nearly given up on even that, when Regulus asks quietly, “James?” 

“Yeah?” 

“What did you want to tell me?” 

James gnaws on his lip, trying to figure out if he should tell Regulus. He wants to tell him. But also, if he gets a similarly unenthusiastic response to last time it will ruin all the excitement he feels about his accomplishment. 

In the end his need to share this with Regulus wins out. “It’s about Quidditch. I have– they published the article. The Quidditch Times, I mean. About the new team constellation and all. There's my name. In the Quidditch Times. Because I’m officially a Catapults Chaser now.”

There’s a beat of silence, then Regulus says, “Oh,” and he sounds so incredibly sad about it. 

James has half a mind to just hang up the call. He can feel his lungs caving in, his throat constricting around the bitter feeling of being in love with Regulus. 

He doesn’t hang up, and a moment later Regulus says, “I’m so sorry that I’ve given you the impression I don’t care about this. I care. A lot. And I’m really happy for you. This is– I used to dream about this too, you know? So to see you get there is… I mean honestly, I’m a little jealous, but mainly I’m just proud of you.” 

James blinks. And then he blinks again, and again, trying to keep the tears that are starting to form in his eyes from falling down. 

“Can you send me a photo of the article?” Regulus asks. “I mean, I’ll look at it when I get home either way, but that won’t be for a couple more hours.” 

“I will,” Janes says, and his voice comes out a little scratchy. He clears his throat and tries again, quieter. “Thank you.” 

“Thank you for telling me,” Regulus says softly. “You should also send a photo of the article to Sirius. I know he doesn’t get the magazine” 

James nods, then remembers Regulus can’t see him and voices his agreement out loud as well. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Regulus says, and it sounds like he’s smiling a little.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” James echoes with a teary smile of his own. 

It takes another three seconds before either of them hangs up. 

 

—

Regulus can’t stop thinking about the fact that he made James believe he wouldn’t care about the things he wants to tell him. About his Quidditch career of all things. He is so incredibly upset about it, because he understands this feeling far too well. This is how he’s felt for most of his life. How he’d felt even with James at the beginning of their fake relationship, until James listened and asked the right questions in the right moments and made all of his doubts go away. And Regulus failed at giving James the same thing. Worse yet, he had failed at it so badly that James thought he wouldn’t care about hearing about Quidditch, the one thing the two of them have been excitedly talking about since long before they started spending time together. It makes Regulus feel so incredibly sad for James. He doesn’t deserve this, deserves so much better than this. 

His phone lights up with a text and immediately he unlocks it, expecting a photo of the article. Instead he is greeted with a name he hadn’t realised he’d even still had saved in his contacts. 

Bozo (MM)
Hi baby, wanna come over? 

Regulus looks at the message with disgust. He absolutely does not want to come over. He doesn’t even want to think about this slimy man who had failed at everything, from pleasing Regulus in bed to being a satisfying listener when he complained about his feelings. He’d not even been an adequate distraction at that time. 

However, before Regulus can spiral himself into even more annoyance James texts him. Regulus reads the article carefully. Once, then a second time, and then he sends a text back.

Regulus
This is incredible. They even had to leave out your kids training at Elqueue because your credentials were already too many.
You’re going to be amazing, the world is not ready for you playing Upper League Quidditch.
Neither am I, by the way. You’re going to be unbearably cocky, I can already tell.

James Potter
:D
thanksssss
man this is so fucking exciting
irs!!! official!@!!!! 
im a catapult!!!! 

Regulus
Don’t say that last part around Evan, he WILL make a meme of you actually being a catapult.
As in, the object.

James Potter
worth ut :D 

Bozo (MM)
Regulus, baby, don’t ignore me.
Call me

The messages pop up in quick succession, immediately followed by Bozo’s caller ID taking in the entire screen as he calls himself. Without a single second of thought Regulus dismisses the call. 

He wonders if he would have given in had James already officially broken up with him. If their relationship was properly over, and Regulus would now have to keep his distance from James, would he have answered the call? Desperation leading him to another set of bad decisions, some form of self-punishment to make his bad feelings feel worse? 

Regulus doesn’t know, and frankly, he doesn’t want to know. 

When Bozo texts again (come on, baby, you know you want this), Regulus texts back get lost, then blocks his number. He should have done this weeks ago. Should have never saved the number in his phone in the first place. But whatever mistakes he made back then, at least he got rid of them now. 

 

Regulus doesn’t much care for his birthday. Celebrations weren’t a thing back at home, unless one counted stiff dinner parties with guests who only came by for political reasons, not for Regulus. 

Sirius once tried to throw him a proper party – he even invited Evan and Barty for it, despite not liking either of them at the time. Regulus appreciated the effort, but he hated everything else about it. He didn't like the attention on himself. Didn’t enjoy the loud music and the socialising in a way that made it clear he could not be the first to leave because this was his party. So that was the last time he had properly attempted to celebrate his birthday. 

His friends get it, mostly. Evan still tries to get him to celebrate every year. Regulus still refuses every year. What they settle on in the end is just a normal get-together with their friend group. The previous year had been at Evan’s workplace, and it was lovely, because Regulus enjoys a familiar environment, coffee and petting cats, but it bore the problem of gift giving being a complicated matter when surrounded by groups of Muggles and half the gifts being of magical nature. Which is why this year Barty insisted on hosting the get-together at their own place. 

Regulus is fine with that, too. It’s going to be an incredibly full flat, what with them essentially only having two rooms and an open kitchen, and Regulus absolutely refusing to open up his own room for guests. But, and that is the upside, it also means that should it get too much for him, he can just escape into his own room without feeling too bad about it. 

Regulus was banned from ‘tea preparations’, which he didn’t complain about one bit. While his friends worked away in the rest of the flat, he made himself comfortable on his bed, finally reading one of the books he’d meant to start for weeks now, without having to feel guilty about disregarding a looming deadline. 

There’s a knock on his door and then Evan sticks his head through it without waiting for Regulus to tell him to come in. Regulus frowns at his friend, displeased about the interruption already. He wishes complaining would help his friends finally remember to wait for his reply before they walked into his room, but he’s mostly given up on that by now.

“Potter not with you?” Evan asks. 

“No. Why would he be?” 

“I mean, he is your boyfriend,” Evan says. “It is your birthday. I kinda expected you’d be making out in your bed before the party started.”

“And so you decided to just barge in unprompted?” 

Evan grins. “Obviously.”

“Well, sorry to disappoint.”

“So what’s he up to then?” 

“How am I supposed to know?”

Evan gives him a funny look at that. “He is your boyfriend.” 

A week ago Regulus would have made something up, something to distract Evan and convince him of a perfect relationship. Now, however, there is no more need for that. His friends should be suspicious, if they want a breakup to be believable. So Regulus just shrugs, not quite meeting Evan’s eye. 

“Are you okay?” Evan asks, and there is genuine concern in his voice. 

“Yes,” Regulus says curtly. 

Evan gives him another long look. It’s clear that he doesn’t quite believe him. Despite Regulus wanting this outcome, he still hates it. 

“How much longer do I have before socialising starts?” Regulus changed the subject. 

Evan checks his phone. “About half an hour, if all goes well. If you hear anything from James let me know.”

“Why?” Regulus frowns. 

Evan grins at him, excitement gleaming in his eyes. “Birthday reasons,” he says, and then leaves Regulus’ bedroom before offering up any more elaboration. 

Regulus looks at the closed door for a while longer, considering if he is happy with this reply. In the end he decides the answer is no and grabs his phone to text James. 

Regulus
Evan is asking for you.

James Potter
oh i know;)
im trxting him rn

There is absolutely no reason why this should make him jealous. It’s just – the way James replied makes Regulus feel like he should go out there and tell Evan to keep his fingers off his boyfriend. Except, of course, James isn’t his boyfriend, and even if he was it is going to be over following this week anyway.

That thought makes Regulus feel a little sick. The idea that James, technically, could absolutely start something with Evan. Or any of their other friends. Or anyone, really. There is no reason why after the weekend James should remain single. Especially considering that soon enough there will be plenty of people who’ll try to get into his bed. Not that James would care about that. But he could, realistically, and he might in the process even find someone to fall in love with.  

Regulus does not want to be around to witness that.

 

The next time there is a knock on his bedroom door it doesn’t open until Regulus gives an affirmative hum. James sticks his head through the door, grinning at Regulus. “Happy birthday in person now as well,” he says happily. 

Regulus has a brief vision of James coming into his room and kissing him as a birthday greeting. It feels nice, and in his vision he actually enjoys his birthday for a short moment. 

“Barty invited us over for some tea and chatting, you wanna join us?”

Regulus likes how James pretends the get-together in the other room has nothing to do with it being Regulus’ birthday. How he pretends that Regulus’ presence is a voluntary thing that he can decline without anyone complaining. It’s sweet, and it makes the idea of joining less exhausting, because it makes it not about him. 

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Regulus says. “I just want to finish this chapter, I only have a page left.” 

“Can I wait in here with you?” James asks sheepishly. 

Regulus shrugs, then nods, and James smiles at him brightly and properly steps into the room, closing the door behind himself. 

James hums while he’s waiting. It’s rather distracting, leading Regulus to take far longer to finish his chapter than he usually would. He doesn’t tell him to stop, though, because in some weird way, James looking at the titles of the books on Regulus’ shelves, absent mindedly humming a melody without a properly discernible tune, makes Regulus feel so incredibly domestic it hurts his chest a little. When he reaches the end of the chapter he stares at the page for another handful of seconds, watching James’ out of the corner of his eyes, pretending he isn’t quite done reading just yet.

 Finally he closes his books and asks, “Any reason you wanted to wait here?”

James turns around, looking at Regulus, taking in the closed book with a small smile. “Not really,” he says. “I just thought, if I’m supposed to break up with you within the next couple days I’ll use the last bit of time I still have to enjoy this.” It feels awfully honest as he trails a finger across the spines of the books on one of the shelves, looking at them with fondness. “Though I suppose,” James continues, “I’m being a bit dramatic about it. It’s not like I’ll never get to come back here. Like, we’re still going to be friends regardless.”

James says it with such certainty, and Regulus doesn’t have the heart to disagree. He can’t find it in himself to agree either, though, and when he doesn’t say anything James looks back at him again, the softness that’s been playing around his eyes now replaced with a small frown. “Right?” he asks carefully.

“James...”

The frown deepens. “You don’t want to be my friend?”

“I do,” Regulus assures him. “But we won’t be meeting up after the breakup.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re supposed to be breaking up. We can’t just continue like this.”

“And why not?” James challenges him. “When Lily and I broke up she still continued to be one of my best friends. I dated her because she’s important to me, us breaking up didn’t change that, why should it? I wasn’t going to stop liking her just because we weren’t together anymore.”

“I’m not you, though,” Regulus says. “Or Lily.”

“So what are you saying?” James is upset. It bleeds into his voice, the words scratching into Regulus’ heart.

“I would need a break from seeing you,” Regulus says. He will need a break from seeing James. He’ll have to get over this somehow. Over the fake breakup and the real feelings.

“But this is fake,” James insists, his eyes bright with something Regulus can’t quite read, but something that’s clearly far away from happiness. “It’s fake. We can make it up however we want to! We could pretend you’re fine with still seeing me casually, platonically here.”

“No,” says Regulus gently. “We can’t.”

Regulus thinks there might be tears slowly building up in James’ eyes, but he can’t tell for certain. James is too far away, the reflection in his glasses deceivingly playing with the light in Regulus’ room. And before either of them can say anything to answer Regulus’ uncertainty, there is another knock on his door and Sirius calls, “Are you going to join us at all or will you just spend the night making out in your room?”

“We’re coming,” Regulus hurries to say.

“Information I didn’t need,” Sirius grumbles dramatically, playing into a joke Regulus had not meant to make in the least.

Regulus sets his book aside and climbs to his feet, bracing himself for whatever is awaiting him on the other side of his door. “Come on,” he says softly when he’s standing next to James. “Let’s not keep them waiting.” He touches the tips of his fingers gently to the inside of James’ wrist, letting them linger a moment too long with the desire to slide them down and link their hands. When he pulls his hand back again, James crosses his arms over his chest and gives a terse nod.

 

Their flat looks the same as always, except for a lot more people now collected in the kitchen, all cheering when James and Regulus join them. Regulus isn’t entirely sure if they’re cheering for his birthday, or for the idea that him and James just hooked up, and he is genuinely not sure which option is worse.

Evan got a cake from his job, and Pandora baked muffins, and half of his friends are holding a cup of tea as they’re chatting, sitting on various surfaces not intended for sitting on. It looks nice, and Regulus likes how casual it all seems. It’s even nicer because his friends have learned that Regulus does not deal well with being sung Happy Birthday to, and so that stays out. He gets a hug from the friends he hasn’t seen yet today, a cup of coffee made just how he prefers, and then that’s it.

He’s directed onto the sofa, Evan on one side of him, who encouragingly waves James over to sit on Regulus’ other side. James hesitates, shakes his head, and motions for Barty to sit instead. “It’s your flat, I think the best friends should have the birthday moment.

“Ah, bullshit,” Barty says. “Go join your boyfriend, I won’t be the one he’ll want to snog in a minute.”

Uncertainty flickers across James’ face as he looks at Regulus for confirmation. He knows it’s because he just told James he won’t want to see him after the end of this week. He knows he’s the one who caused it, and it makes something heavy drop in his stomach. He gives James a small smile and a small nod and pats the space next to him. James follows the request slowly, carefully, leaving time for Regulus to change his mind until the very last second. He doesn’t.

“So! Presents!” It’s Marlene who shouts it, excitement clear in her voice. It is disconcerting, because Regulus didn’t think Marlene liked him enough to be excited about gifting him anything at all. He looks at her with apprehension and she grins back. “You’re going to love this,” she promises.

“I find this statement very worrying coming from you,” Regulus says.

“Nah, don’t.” It’s Lily who says it, which only adds to Regulus’ wariness. He looks around the room, everyone watching him with anticipation, but no presents in view as far as he can tell. He looks at James, who is looking at Evan, smiling too bright, his shoulders tense, his hands clasped tightly in his lap. Regulus is so confused.

“This first,” Evan decides. “I don’t want my spotlight to be stolen completely.” He reaches down and from underneath the sofa pulls an envelope, handing it over to Regulus.

“Should I open this now?” Regulus asks anxiously. He hates being watched while opening presents. He always feels like he’s doing it wrong. Giving the wrong reactions. Not what people expect of him.

“Yup,” Evan says. “It’s nothing big, don’t worry.”

Regulus slides his finger through the side of the envelope, the paper giving way easily. It’s a card inside, a picture of a very pretty arrangement of delicately decorated pastries. When he flips the card open it reveals a time and date and a short descriptive text.

“I heard of your cooking lesson with James,” Evan says brightly. “Thought you could do with learning how to do a full meal. And since I’ve yet to see James bake something I thought it’d be best he also joins you in acquiring some new cullinary skills. I made sure it’s a date you both should have time. The Pawtea’s baking classes are excellent, you’ll love it.”

“Thank you,” Regulus mumbles.

“You’re welcome! Obviously I expect that after that, the next time you and Barty come over to mine for dinner you provide us with some dessert,” Evan adds happily.

Regulus nods and says something else affirmative. He doesn’t pay too much mind to it. He’s still staring at the date. It’s a couple weeks from now. He glances at James, who is also looking down at the card with a glassy look in his eyes. Regulus is sure he is thinking the same; They’re not going to be attending this event together. By this date they won’t be pretend boyfriends anymore.

“Now, the other one!” Evan says, sounding just as excited about it as his first present.

James blinks, the glassy look gone, then he moves to get up.

“Stay where you are, pretty boy, I got it,” Barty says immediately from behind them. “Happy Birthday, Reggie!” He reaches over Regulus to place a huge package in his lap. It’s big enough that it’s also resting on Evan and James’ legs as well, and Regulus gets a sudden premonition of what he’s going to find when he opens it.

“No,” he says, looking at James.

James only gives a tiny shrug in return, the corners of his mouth lifting into a miniscule, abashed smile.

“Come on, open it!” Marlene urges.

“James,” Regulus says, a warning in his voice.

“Open it,” James echoes Marlene, albeit quieter.

With shaking fingers Regulus peels the wrapping away from the package, peeling off the tape holding it closed, careful to not rip the paper. It reveals a shiny black leather case, silver clasps around it that Regulus pops open slowly. He takes a deep breath before he opens the case, and completely forgets how to release it again when he looks inside.

It’s the Silver Sail. The broom Regulus had admired only a week ago, knowing he’d never be able to have it.

The wood is smooth, almost warm beneath his touch, dark varnish, silver accents, like the case itself. It’s gorgeous, and Regulus struggles to tear his eyes away from it. But he does, and looks at James, who’s watching his reaction anxiously.

“I told you no,” Regulus says quietly. “I told you it’s too expensive.”

“You said it’s too much money for one person to spend on you,” James corrects. “I didn’t pay for it by myself. Everyone chipped in. Sirius even asked your cousins, and they also contributed.” He points at a note tucked in the inside of the case. “We had everyone sign their names, with a little birthday wish, so you know who it’s from.” He hesitates for a moment, his hand hovering in the air, then with a little jolt he leans down, and just like Evan, pulls something from beneath the sofa. “This one is just from me, though,” James adds. “So you can keep your present well working for longer.”

Regulus doesn’t even need to unpack it to know it’s a broomstick servicing kit. He knows, because this is James, and this is the most James thing to gift.

Regulus doesn’t know what to do. He can’t do anything besides sit on the sofa, an exorbitantly expensive broom he’d been secretly dreaming of on his lap, his soon to be fake ex-boyfriend who organised all of this by his side as his friends all watch him with anticipation. Regulus would like to cry, he thinks, but he doesn’t know how to do that either. He just keeps staring at the broom and the still wrapped servicing kit and doesn’t say anything.

“I think he needs a moment,” Barty says cheerfully. “Let’s let him process this for a while and collect our thank yous later. I vote we start on the cake!”

“Thank you,” Regulus tries to say, his voice not quite reaching his lips and only coming out as a whisper drowned out by his friends’ happy agreement about cake. Evan slides himself out from where he is trapped between the broom and the sofa and joins the others, leaving Regulus sitting alone on the sofa with James.

“When did you organise this?” Regulus asks quietly.

“Basically right after you told me I’m not allowed to buy you a broom myself,” James admits. “I was super scared you’d buy one before your birthday. Had a conversation with the shop owner letting me know that I could pick up the broom a day after we went there with Dorcas and Marls when I saw you looking at the other models.”

Regulus remembers James discouraging him from even considering the brooms at Quality Quidditch Supplies. It makes sense now in retrospect. Regulus kind of wishes he had caught onto that back then already. It would have given him time to prepare himself for this at least, considering discouraging James to go through with it would have been too late by then already.

“You don’t have to feel guilty about accepting this gift,” James tells him, reading his mind perfectly. “It’s so many of us. It’s the equivalent of all of us gifting you a book and some sweets or something. You deserve this, Reg.”

Regulus is fairly sure this is still more than the equivalent of a book from all his friends. He’s scared of asking, though, because he wants this broom, and if he knows for certain just how much they spent on him he might feel too bad to not argue himself out of keeping it.

“I test flew it already, made sure there are no errors. You know how it is with wood grain sometimes impacting the performance in weird ways... But I couldn’t find anything wrong with it. I think you’ll love this one, I think it fits your flying style perfectly. Still though, when you try it out and think there’s something off, there’s the guarantee and everything, you can send it to the manufacturer and get things fixed.”

“Thank you,” Regulus says again. It’s still a whisper, though this time it’s meant to be. With care he closes the case again and gingerly sets it aside along with James’ present, then he leans over and wraps his arms around James, burying his face in his neck, mumbling another “Thank you,” into his skin.

It takes a moment for James to react, but when he hugs Regulus back, warm and secure, he feels like a home Regulus has never quite known.

 

—

 

James can’t stop his heart from doing awful things. Beating too fast, or forgetting to beat, or sending a stabbing pain through his entire chest. He can’t stop thinking about Regulus telling him he won’t want to see him anymore coming next week. He doesn’t know how to compute this information, what to do of it, how to change the outcome when the beginning determined it already. He wishes he had known before. Wishes he would have never considered Regulus’ idea of faking something between them. Wishes he could just be a normal person who doesn’t get panic attacks, who can deal with stress in a reasonable way, who doesn’t need to hide these things from his friends.

He wishes a lot of things, all of them unattainable.

He delays it as much as he can. The end of the week, they had agreed. A harsh deadline to follow.

On Sunday evening James finally calls Regulus.

It takes uncharacteristically long for Regulus to pick up. “Hi,” he says quietly.

“Hi,” James says, just as quietly.

Then they both don’t say anything for a while.

“I had another training with Terence today,” Regulus then starts talking unprompted. “I took the Silver Sail, of course. I love it. So much.”

James smiles softly. “I’m very happy to hear that.”

“It made teaching Terence a lot easier, too, because I actually have the reaction time necessary to correct him when things go wrong now. He doesn’t have to practice things so much slower anymore. It’s going to be so good once I’m properly familiar with my broom.”

He’s rambling, at this point, and James doesn’t want to stop him in the least. He enjoys listening to Regulus. He’d enjoy it even if it didn’t delay the inevitable for even longer.

“I need to get myself a ticket for the Elqueue practice times, so I can fly more often. I’m just dreading how expensive that’s gonna be. I took the broom behind the forest here yesterday, but it’s really not the same, I was too busy making sure no one was nearby to really focus on the flying as much as I would have loved to.”

“An Elqueue ticket definitely sounds like a good idea. If you take the later slots they’re usually a lot cheaper. I can also definitely get you in with me for free again, if you want.” James stutters to a halt. “I mean. Marlene, too. If you ask her.” It’s broken the spell, James knows. An acknowledgement of what’s coming.

Regulus hums. Then he says nothing anymore.

“So...” James mumbles.

“So...” Regulus agrees.

James can taste his heartbeat on the back of his tongue. It tastes sharp and metallic. He squeezes his eyes closed and falls back on his bed. “Thank you for doing this with me as long as you did,” he says after another moment of silence. “I’m sorry for how much shit you had to deal with because of all of it. And I’m really thankful for how much you’ve helped me. Not just... not just the fake dating. But the calming me down when I panicked. I really appreciated that.”

“It’s alright.” Regulus’ words sound a little scratchy, a little broken off. “Thanks for cooking for me so often.”

That makes James laugh, a choked off thing he marginally saves from turning into a tears-filled sob. “At least you now know how to make dal for yourself.”

“I’ve not tried it yet,” Regulus admits.

“When you do, let me know how it goes.”

Another moment of silence, and James remembers that this, too, won’t be a thing anymore in the future. But then Regulus says, “Will do.” It’s barely a whisper, but it’s enough to loosen that knot in James’ throat, and then he’s crying properly.

“Thank you,” he says, trying to hide the way the tears are making his voice waver.

“Good luck with the Catapults,” Regulus says, the words sounding a little hollow.

“Thanks,” James brings out again. His throat hurts from trying to keep his tears quiet.

He thinks he should hang up, but he doesn’t know how to do it. Doesn’t know how to let go of Regulus. Doesn’t know how this is supposed to work, how he is supposed to work.

He stays on the line, the silence stretching on.

If he hangs up, that’ll be it. No more dinner with Regulus or going flying together or getting morning texts from him. The realisation settles in fully, and it terrifies him, tearing a hiccupped sob out of him. “Reg–”

Regulus doesn’t let him finish the still unformed thought. “I’ll see you around, Potter,” he interrupts, and then the line goes dead.

Notes:

soooooo........ how is everyone feeling? uhm.... i love you? im sorry?
anyway! i have quite a lot of chapter thoughts this time so while you cry or scream at me or hit me and/or james and reg over the head i will ramble away <33

jegulus so stupid they literally confess their feelings in the middle of planning their breakup and the other one STILL doesn't fucking get it. like
james: our friends think we fucked
reg: we did fuck
james: i only have sex with people im in love with
reg: yeah well sucks that you now have to break up with me since you dont love me back >:(

also shout out to james sad little one word replies and also to him yet again being cruel to regulus while being upset i love james snapping and being awful every now and then

as you can maybe tell i have no idea how to write news articles. i am so bad at this i was Struggling sorry to all the journalists out there for misrepresenting your work in my fic

that "oh" from regulus during the phone call;;; i cried when i wrote it, i cried when i read it a couple weeks later, i cried tonight when i edited the chapter. i am so emotional over this oh. if youve seen me on tumblr be all :( tearing up over ritardando :( - it was about this scene

james test flying the broom was so precious to me. my recorder teacher would always try the new instruments we bought out for a week before she approved them for us to keep. because she knew better if the instrument is built well and if it fit her students playing style and could pick up on any inconsistencies due to the wood inhomogenuities. and i feel like that would be the same for brooms, so james doing that check for regulus was very important to me. just a last little cute before the end <3

Edit to include this comment i apparenrly left myself in my notes for this chapter: "Good thing they broke up causw can you imagine james would have gone through with it? Rwg woupd have had trust issues about this to last centuries. Telling gimself this is just james wanting an excuse to keep up the covwr and blah blah, like if nothing changes between the lie and the actual dating rhen that must mean the actual dating is also a lie (because why tf woupf reg think the lie was also actual dating. Like come on. Thats rwg.)"

anyway thats it for today please still love me mwah
find me on tumblr

Chapter 20: You Know You’re Doing Better on Your Own

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

welcome to hell, make yourself comfortable!

It takes James fifteen minutes to calm himself down enough to find Sirius’ name in his contacts and send him a message.

James
cavdyiu cone ovet
i need a ggd
pleadr

Sirius’ reply comes seven minutes later. James watches every one of those minutes pass by as he’s still crying, the tears now flowing soundlessly.

Sirius Pads
Ill be there asap
Whats wrong?

James
evergtgign

Sirius Pads
Itll be okay
Im nearly there
I love you

By the amount of time it takes before he can hear Sirius’ key turn in the front door James knows he must have been at Remus’ place. He’s too exhausted to feel sorry about it. Too exhausted to wish he hadn’t called Sirius away from his boyfriend for this.

“James?” Sirius calls.

James hums, not loud enough for Sirius to actually hear, but he knows it won’t matter. A moment later his bedroom door opens and then Sirius is there, climbing into bed with him, and wrapping his arms around him.

James lets out another sob, stifling it in Sirius’ chest.

It’s been a while since he’s last let himself cry in Sirius’ arms. When him and Lily had broken up they had been on holiday in Venice together, halfway through the holiday coming to the conclusion that they were doing their relationship wrong. It had been a mutual decision, and it had been the right one, but James still had cried afterwards. It was a change from the life he had thought he’d have, and an uncertainty of how it would influence his relationship with Lily, even if they did agree that they were still important to each other and didn’t want to lose one another. It had been a while coming and James was a bit relieved when they finally talked it out, and still he had cried. To Sirius on the phone, back then, because that was all that was possible at the time. 

He is glad he can have more than a phone call now. Because this – well, James can’t really say it wasn’t mutual, and he can’t really say it wasn’t the right thing to do either. It’s maybe unjustified, considering there hadn’t been a real relationship at all, but the heartbreak he feels is still more terrible than what he had felt with Lily. Because back then he had time to grow out of his romantic feelings and grow into the comfort of platonic love. He had lost a future he had once dreamed of having but realised he no longer wished for. This time around, the romantic feelings are still growing, and what he has lost is a future he hasn't even had enough time yet to dream about. 

“What happened?” Sirius asks after a while in which he held James through his tears and played with his hair to calm him down. 

James takes a shaky breath. “We– I– We broke up.”

“What?” Sirius asks confused. 

“Reg and I,” James explains feebly. “We’re not together.” 

“I don’t understand.” 

Frankly, neither does James. It doesn’t work with his world view. Doesn’t fit into his life of the past three months.

“James, I need you to explain this to me, what happened?”

“We talked. I don’t... I– We don’t work together. I broke up with him.” Saying it makes him feel sick. It’s not just the fact that he is saying it out loud, the thing he’d rather was neither real nor a pretence. It’s also the fact that this is a lie, feels like such a lie, more of a lie than their several months of playing out a relationship, because never would he have broken up with Regulus. And now here he is, lying straight to his best friend’s face, about just that.

Sirius gently pushes James away, his hands tightly holding onto his shoulders, looking at him with wide eyes. He’s searching James’ face for something, for a joke, or for the lie itself, James isn’t sure. He’s not going to find it. No matter how much of a lie this feels, the fact that him and Regulus are not dating is the plain truth.

“But why?” Sirius sounds nearly as upset as James feels.

James only shrugs helplessly.

“You were good together. Everything was perfect with you two. You literally sat huddled together two days ago on Reg’s sofa. You bought him a broom for his birthday.”

“We all did together,” James corrects automatically, feeling so very exhausted.

“Come on, don’t kid yourself, you know you paid for like half of it and orchestrated the whole thing. You care about him! Why would you break up with him?”

“It just... doesn’t work... We have different ideas of what we want...”

“Did he do something?” Sirius asks then, a confused frown between his eyebrows, still trying to understand. “Is this what this is?”

James shakes his head harshly. “No. This is not his fault. He’s–” perfect, James nearly says, but that would undermine his point. “Under different circumstances I would want to be his boyfriend for the rest of my life,” he tells the truth instead.

“What’s wrong with these circumstances?”

“We just want different things,” James repeats. He can feel the tears rising in his throat again, and Sirius seems to see it too, because he refrains from asking another question. He just wraps James in his arms again, hugging him tightly, and murmuring quietly, “I’m so sorry.”

 

—

 

Regulus is not doing great. That is all he can focus on. All the ways in which he feels awful; the pain of his broken heart seeping out into his lungs, into his head, even settling in his joints. He hasn’t let go of his phone since he hung up on James. It’s cradled in both his hands, clutched against his aching chest. He can’t put it away because that will make it final. No more calling James. No more texting James. No more meeting up with him. 

He knows he upset James by insisting on a break from seeing each other. But frankly, Regulus thinks his feelings on the matter are a little more important than James’. James has enough other friends in his life he can see in the meantime. Regulus only has one person he is in love with. The idea of seeing James and pretending he is just fine with being his friend has never been a good one. But now that he knows what it could mean – what it could feel like – to have something else it is entirely unbearable. 

There is a knock on his door. The only other person in this flat at the moment is Barty, but when the knock isn’t followed up by his best friend barging into his room Regulus starts doubting it’s him on the other side. That is until Barty calls, “Reg? Can I come in?” 

Barty hasn’t given him that much consideration since – well, quite honestly, ever. It’s disconcerting enough that Regulus doesn’t even consider he could say no. So instead he gives a dull, affirmative hum and the door is pushed open. 

“Are you okay?” Barty asks. He sounds concerned. It’s rather concerning in return. 

“Sure,” Regulus says, voice hollow. 

Barty looks at him critically, then properly steps into the room and closes the door behind himself. 

“I already know about Potter,” he says, and Regulus flinches. “Your brother just texted me rather worriedly and asked me to check in on you.”

Of fucking course he did. Because James obviously immediately told Sirius about it. Bloody Marauders secrets and all that bullshit, telling each other everything immediately, as long as it doesn’t upset the other person. 

“Did he seriously break up with you over the phone?” The concern in Barty’s voice yields to anger now. 

James was being stupid about this. He should have thought this through, but he barely ever thought anything through during all their months of fake dating. He hadn’t considered that Regulus would be at home, and that if he told Sirius about their alleged breakup immediately, and Sirius told Barty about it, it would look like all they did was have a phone conversation. He should have waited until the morning to tell Sirius, and maybe it could have looked like they met up, and that ended their relationship. He should have given himself that bit of grace at least. Now he just looks like an insensitive arsehole and there is little Regulus can do about that. 

“It’s been coming for a while,” Regulus says. His voice feels too high up in his throat, disconnected from his emotions altogether. “This was just the final bit of it.” 

“I’m calling Evan,” Barty says, leaving no room for argument. Regulus doesn’t feel like arguing much right now anyway. “And I’m ordering food.” He’s already typing away on his phone, a muttered “I’m going to fucking murder him,” on his lips as he’s heading out of the room again. Regulus appreciates it. The hatred on his behalf. The fact he’s given a little more space, and decisions are being made for him right now. Otherwise he feels apathetic, nothing really reaching through to his consciousness. 

 

He knows he’s being absolutely pathetic. He is aware of it. He can’t change it though, not even when Barty and Evan give him pitying and mildly incredulous looks as he shambles out of his room in joggers and James’ Quidditch jumper. 

“Are you sure this is the right way to process this?” Barty asks. “Don’t you think it’d be more cathartic to burn his shit?”

Regulus shakes his head. If this was real, maybe he would. Maybe he would hate James for breaking up with him and breaking his heart. But it is not real, and it is not James’ fault, and Regulus had agreed to this knowing from the beginning that there would be a time limit to their relationship. He had known it would end in heartbreak and he only has himself to blame for going through with it anyway. 

Evan shuffles aside and makes space on the sofa between himself and Barty. 

It’s odd. Regulus would have expected he’d dread any kind of human interaction after this. He had anticipated to react similarly to a couple months ago, when he had first suggested a fake affair between them and James had declined, telling him he doesn’t even want to pretend to be in love with him. But he doesn’t feel these same emotions now. He doesn’t feel like snapping at Evan and being dreadful to Barty and pushing his friends away, hurting them in an effort to justify his own hurt he’s feeling. 

At the moment he just feels hollowed out, the only thing even marginally filling him up a cloud of devastation. 

Wordlessly he fits himself between his friends, accepting the cup of hot chocolate Barty is holding out to him and Evan’s arm around his shoulder. 

“Alright,” Evan says, “a day of wallowing and despair, and then you tell us what actually happened and we will figure out the best way to hate on Potter.”

 

—

The nice thing about no one knowing that their relationship was fake is that no one can judge James for being as affected by the instigated breakup as he is. 

The shit thing about no one knowing that their relationship was fake is that James can’t tell anyone just how awful all of this actually feels. 

He still doesn’t know how to properly lie, so for the most part he doesn’t say anything when Sirius, and then later Remus and Peter ask him about it. 

He’s glad for the new schedule of Quidditch practice keeping him busy. He’s even glad for being glad about it, because holy shit does he need all the extra time he’s spending on the pitch at the moment. He’s playing absolutely awful, and it only serves to add to his general despicable mood, not just because he always relies on Quidditch for making him feel better, but also because he feels like he’s failing his new team. He’s only just joined them, and already he’s fucking it up. It makes him feel like he is still stuck in a never-ending cycle of deception after the deception ended. Fooling the world into believing he is doing fine, fooling the world into believing he’s dating Regulus, and apparently also fooling them into believing he is a good enough player to get signed by the Catapults, only to immediately drop the facade as soon as he gets what he wanted.

Cory tells him it’s normal. That’s somehow the worst of it. “Really, James, you wouldn’t believe how often this happens. It’s the pent-up stress of trying to get on the team, followed by the still lingering stress of trying to immediately fit in. Nearly everyone’s done it at the beginning. It’s absolutely stupid, but I don’t think reasonable thought really has any significant impact on these feelings either. This is the entire reason I’m staying until after your first match, to ease off the pressure. The transitional period is important. Just make yourself aware that there’s nothing wrong with this, and you’ll get back into your usual play soon enough.”

James is fairly sure him playing bad has less to do with nerves and more to do with the fact that even Quidditch isn’t good enough at removing Regulus completely from his mind. He doesn’t tell Cory that, though. He only nods and thanks her for the encouraging words and tries to look like someone who has caught a Quaffle before in his life. 

After the training Robin calls him aside. James is fully prepared he’ll disprove everything Cory tried to convince him of earlier and tell him he is not made for the team after all. Nothing of the likes happens. 

“Our manager wants to talk to you. There’s a potential interview lined up for you, you need to check over if you have any issues with it so Alex can clear it officially.” 

James grits his teeth and nods. Maybe this will help him remember how much he usually enjoys getting attention. If nothing else it will at least force him to properly think about Regulus unrelated things for some time.

 

He lasts roughly two and a half days before he tries texting Regulus again. His last message to him (a tentative “Is texting you still okay?” he had sent after their last phone call) still sits threateningly unanswered in their chat.

James agonises over what to write for his entire way back home from the stadium. At home he still has not come to a conclusion, which leads to him not stirring his onions enough to the point they end up completely charred because he is too busy typing and deleting the same message over and over again.

He tries several different versions of several different texts. All of them feel insufficient.

James
hey i know you said we should do a break from everyth

James
hi reg i hope youre doing okay

James
i thought of you so i thought i should text you so this is me texti

James
hey

James
i hope me texting you isn’t crossing some kind of bounda

James
i know texting you is probably crossing

James
i know you don’t want to talk to me and im really sorry for texting you any way but i dont think not talking makes sense at all. i dont understand why we cant just

James
hi reg

James
hi

James
i miss you

James
do you still h

James
is my jumper still with you? i dont need it back any time soon or anything i was just won

James
hi reg

James
i had my second to last lq training today before the holidays start and i dont think im going to extend my contract for the next semes

James
would you be interested in teaching at l

James
i had wanted to ask you out and i know you were going to say no but i still regret

James
do you want to get food with me an

James
hey reg

James
hi

In the end he types nothing. Only finds a song from his playlist (following a long search because all the happy songs he would want to send Regulus to make him happier feel wrong, too heavy to listen to) and sends it to Regulus without comment.

 

James continues like that. It becomes part of his morning routine. Some days he starts by staring at his phone for half an hour, going through the texts Regulus sent him in the past and regretting all the decisions he’s made that have led him to Regulus no longer sending him any of those. He always ends this by sending Regulus another song. He never sends a message with it.

Regulus doesn’t want to talk to him. James got that part. But as long as he doesn’t tell him to stop sending him anything at all, James won’t stop. It’s his way of telling Regulus he still wants to talk to him. His way of providing Regulus with an opener to reply to him.

James still doesn’t understand why they had to go from pretending to be in love and spending half the week together to not talking at all. Sure, before they had started their fake relationship they also hadn’t really talked, and Regulus had barely ever replied to James’ texts, but he’d assumed that the friendship they built over the past months outweighed that. Had assumed it would matter more than a fake relationship and its subsequent end could ever matter.

He hates it. He hates all of it. Hates how this has only proven his fears that led him to decline Regulus’ initial offer of fake dating him were more than justified.

 

The next Saturday, nearly a full week after the breakup, Lily comes to visit him. James has a small suspicion that Sirius set her up for it, to see if she can get through to him since he still refuses to tell him all the details of what actually happened. Not as if there were any details that actually happened to begin with he could tell.

“You still have his photos up,” Lily notes when she returns from storing the games she borrowed from him weeks ago back in his bedroom.

James only hums noncommittally. Lily gives him a knowing look.

“I still care about him,” he tells her. “I didn’t stop caring about you when we broke up. I also left our photos on my walls.”

“But we didn’t stop talking,” Lily notes. “From what I’ve gathered you’ve not spoken in a week. He hasn’t even said a single thing in our group chat.”

She is right, of course. James has noticed it too. Regulus’ absence. It hurts more than he is ready to admit. The way Regulus has removed himself so completely from James’ life, enough that he’s even avoiding the rest of their friends to not have to interact with James. It has genuinely made him wonder if Regulus has gotten any of the songs he’s sent him, or if he’s blocked his number and James is sending things into the void. He has no idea if his phone would tell him. He’s never been blocked by anyone before.

“That doesn’t mean he isn’t still important to me,” James says around the apprehension nesting in his throat. “I want him in my life. I can’t do anything about him not wanting that.”

Lily hums thoughtfully. James still knows her well enough to see there is something else she wants to say, so he patiently gives her the silence to fill.

“I got a message on one of my social media accounts yesterday,” she says finally. James watches her with interest, no idea where this could possibly lead and how it connects to the previous subject, because he is sure Lily wouldn’t just drop it that quickly. “Guess who it was from.”

“I don’t know,” James says. “Ada Zabini.”

Lily laughs and shakes her head. “I wish. But no. It was Severus.”

“Snape?” James asks startled, as if he knows any other Severus.

Lily nods regardless. “He sent a very considerate message, actually.” She takes out her phone, taps on it for a little moment, then hands it over to James for him to read.

“He actually took accountability for the shit he did in school,” James notes with surprise.

“I especially appreciate that he outright said he doesn’t expect me to forgive or even reply back to him. He didn’t start the conversation by just expecting I would talk to him, he acknowledged that he hurt me in the past and handed the rest off to me.”

James is a little impressed. He didn’t think Snivellus would have it in himself to see where he went wrong. “You still haven’t replied though,” James points out.

“I don’t know if I should,” Lily admits.

“Well, do you want to?”

She doesn’t immediately reply. She takes her phone back from James and reads over the message again. “If he hadn’t said the thing about realising that calling me a Mudblood was a betrayal of trust because it made me feel like he not only thinks less of me for being Muggleborn, but also doesn’t see me as a woman, I would have instantly blocked him.”

James hums in understanding.

“But I do sometimes still miss him. Like, regardless of how terribly he hurt me in school, he was my best friend for so many years, the first person to ever truly accept me for who I was. He corrected Tuney on my name so many times, and that is still important to me.”

“You want to see him again,” James translates. “You want to know if he really has changed.”

“Maybe,” Lily says. “I’m not sure. I’m not sure if a person can change that much.”

James also isn’t too sure. He doesn’t think he’ll ever manage to even be cordial with Snape, regardless of how much he may have changed. But it’s not Snape he cares about, it’s Lily. And he knows her well enough, has known all her secret desires for years now, to understand that this is something she still quietly yearns for. “I think you should reply to him,” he says despite himself and his hatred for Severus Snape. “You miss him. You’re being given a chance of reconnection, a chance to get back a relationship you thought you’ve lost. And I don’t think you should let that go. If you miss him and have the chance to get him back in your life, you should take it.” He blinks quickly, his throat suddenly scratchy with rising tears. He wishes he had this chance with Regulus. It’s probably also why he was so quick to urge Lily to take hers with Snape. He wants her to have the happiness he is being denied.

He clears his throat. “Maybe for now don’t correct him on his assumption that we are still dating, though,” he adds. “No need to make him believe he has any kind of chance with you again so early on.”

“Oh, I wasn’t planning on doing that,” Lily says with a small smile. “You really think I should message him back then?”

James gives a small nod. “I think you want to, so you should do it. If he turns out to still be a wanker you can still block him.”

Lily gives another hum, reading over the message one more time. “I’ll let it rest for another day or two, but I think you’re right,” she agrees.

There is another moment of pause where they don’t say anything. It’s a different silence than with Sirius, whose silence is the only one that James feels truly relaxed in. A silence that allows James to be comfortable with himself. It’s even different from the silence he’s experienced with Regulus over the months, because with Regulus it had never truly been silent. There had always been James’ too fast beating heart between them. This is a silence of years of conversation playing out between two people who have known each other better than anyone. A silence slowly forming into the answer it had always been.

“What about you?” Lily asks.

“I tried,” James replies, because the silence has made it obvious what the question is about. “I keep trying. He doesn’t want to reconnect.”

“What actually happened with you two?”

“We broke up...”

“You broke up with him,” Lily corrects him, because that is the only piece of information James had promised Regulus to give to their friends.

James adds another second of silence to the conversation.

“You’re in love with him,” Lily says matter-of-factly.

“I’m in love with him,” James echoes.

“I’m sorry,” Lily says, and then she pulls him against her chest and hugs him and lets the ensuing silence finish the rest of their conversation.

 

—

 

Regulus is having a terrible week. Evan and Barty tried to convince him to enact revenge plans on James, all of which Regulus immediately shot down. They couldn’t even convince him to get rid of James’ clothes. Regulus knows it’s a problem that half his day is now usually spent curled up on his bed in James’ jumper listening on repeat to the playlist he created after the third day in a row in which James had sent him a song. He knows it’s a problem, but it’s the only solution he can find to somewhat soothe his aching heart. 

He keeps thinking about replying to James, and then he keeps thinking about just moving to a different country instead. The idea of talking to James makes him think about doing things he should not be thinking about. He cannot stomach even the thought of it. He doesn’t know what would be worse, seeing James unaffected by Regulus keeping his distance, or seeing him upset because of it. 

Regulus is tired. He is tired from the sleep he’s not getting anymore. He’s tired of Barty and Evan trying to convince him to join them for a night out at a bar and get over James by hooking up with someone else. He is tired of his heartache, a ridiculous thing that shouldn’t hurt as much as it does considering he never really dated James in the first place. Most of all Regulus is tired of being in love. 

He’d give just about anything to get over James. It’s been going on for far too long already, and with how he is feeling at the moment his heart really should finally take the hint and move on. 

Regulus remembers when he first realised he was in love with James Potter. Not attracted to him, but actually in love with him. Annoyingly enough it had been as he watched an interaction between him and Lily. James had openly been crushing on Lily already at that point, and she had been openly despising him. 

Regulus related to that, for several reasons.

James had effectively replaced him as Sirius’ go-to person, had replaced him not only as the most important person in Sirius’ life but was also the reason why the brothers barely interacted anymore. He was good at Quidditch and he looked good being good at it, and everyone, including James himself, knew that. Regulus, who at that point hadn’t yet been on the Slytherin team, was incredibly jealous of that and at least as annoyed by always, always hearing James’ name mentioned in the same breath as his favourite sport. And Regulus was incredibly attracted to James and despised him for that, too. He didn’t want to fall victim to as benign things as having a crush. He considered himself above those sorts of things. Even less did he want to have a crush on James fucking Potter, just like every other person in Hogwarts did. He should have some standards, and they should be higher than everyone else’s. 

All that, in combination with the fact that James had no feelings whatsoever for him, not love, not hate, not even annoyance, amounted to a well-rounded despising of James Potter.

And then Regulus overheard James suggesting to Lily she send a letter to his father to ask for ingredients and tips on how to brew potions to help with her transition when she’d been terrified of changes she had recently noticed in her body due to puberty. 

It was not the fact that James offered Lily help, not even the fact that it was with something Regulus could very much relate to. It was rather the fact that he provided her with the tools so she could help herself. James, who had been loudly proclaiming his love for Lily dozens of times, who took every opportunity he could to spend more time with her, and who could have easily used this to get closer to her as well, gave her his address and the name of his father and then left her alone. 

It was the realisation that despite all his arrogance and self-importance he truly cared about people, more so than his own selfish gains, that to Regulus turned James from someone he merely wanted to get snogged by into someone he also wanted to be cared about by.

And now... Well, James has snogged Regulus, insisting even he’d want to do it some more. And he cares about him, Regulus knows that. He has made it very clear on several occasions. James can’t not care about the people in his life, too eager to extend his love in great measure to all his friends.

And Regulus, of course, still wants it. He still loves James, loves him more now that he’s gotten to know more of him. And he still wants.

He only wants to not want anymore. It all eats him alive, consumes him from the inside out, leaving him with nothing left of himself except his love for James.

He doesn’t want that. Doesn’t want that for himself, to be tied to one person like that with no space left for himself.

If he could give it – if he could release all of that love that’s been growing for a decade, send it out where it’s been wanting to go for all those years, it would be different. He would have space for himself again. He could have his heart beating in his own chest again. The love would still be there, but it would have the space it needs to expand outwards. It would stop pressing against the inside of his ribcage, threatening to break him apart.

For a few months he could feel a sliver of what that might be like. An easing of the pressure on his ribs, his lungs, his heart. For a few months his love tentatively stretched out past the confines of his chest, extended further. And for at least a short moment it curled up in a different chest, a place it longed to call home. It had been so close to everything Regulus had ever wished for, before he had to drag it back and bury it once again in the enclosure of his own ribcage.

Now his love knows what it could have. Now it knows how far it could stretch out, where it could rest in comfort, and it yearns for it.

But Regulus can’t. He cannot let his love go where it wants to go and so he needs it to simply leave him be. He needs it to disappear, needs to carve it out from between his ribs, needs to pluck it out of his lungs and tear it from his heart. He needs to make space for himself again. He needs to get over James Potter.

 

The next time Barty suggests he join him and Evan for a night out Regulus forces himself to agree. He still doesn’t think he is ready to go home with another man again, his heart still a traitor to its host and loyal to its owner. But he ought to try, at least. He ought to try to move on if he ever wants to be able to spend time with all his friends again without feeling like he’s being ripped in two when he looks at James. So when Barty asks him to join him and Evan for a night out Regulus forces himself to agree, because this is his first step of moving on from his feelings.

While he picks out his outfit for the night he listens to the playlist of all the songs James texted him.

 

—

 

James had jumped at Sirius’ suggestion to going out in celebration of Sirius’ first successful home repair for his new job. He’s definitely being a bit of a hypocrite about this, because when several months ago Sirius had done this, continuously going out to party in the middle of the week to avoid thinking about the shittier aspects of his life, James had told him that was not a very healthy way to deal with his feelings. Now look at him.

He’s definitely avoiding thinking of Regulus too much. He’s trying his best to keep himself busy, because if he doesn’t have time to meet up with Regulus, then he can’t be upset about the fact that Regulus doesn’t want to see him either. At least that’s how it should work in theory. In practice, James is upset all the fucking time.

They’re back at the Modern Mage again, predictably. The place is packed, the music loud, the lights flashing enough to keep James’ mind comfortably preoccupied. With James and Sirius are Remus, Peter, and Marlene, which should have been James’ first clue that this is more than a celebration for Sirius. Because while it isn’t in the least untypical for them all to hang out with Marlene, only Marlene as a tag-along with the Marauders is weird.

His second clue should have been the fact that Sirius leads the way through the packs of people inside the pub with a bit too much purpose.

Still, with James forcefully not thinking about Regulus, he doesn’t notice anything is up until Sirius calls, “Oh, Barty! What a crazy weird happenstance that you’re also here tonight!”

James’ eyes immediately snap up from where he’d been watching the light bounce of all the dancing people towards where Sirius had directed his call.

Barty is sitting with Evan and Dorcas.

And Regulus.

Regulus is squeezed in behind the table between Evan and Barty, which is probably the only reason he hasn’t immediately bolted the second he spotted James. Because the way he looks at him – or looked at him, rather, for the single second his eyes remained focussed on James before dipping down to stare at the empty glass in front of him – clearly tells that he would rather be just about anywhere else than near James.

James is trying really hard to ignore how much it pains him.

“Sirius and friends!” Barty calls back, his surprise just as fake as Sirius’ had been. “This is unexpected! How fun, come join us!”

“I don’t think I should,” James mumbles, uncertainly frozen to the spot.

He doesn’t know if none of his friends heard him, or if they all simply chose to ignore him, but somehow James is ushered into the booth as well, similarly caged in between Barty and Sirius.

James is trying not to stare at Regulus, but it’s difficult. It’s barely been more than a week since he last saw him. It feels like an eternity. 

Regulus looks good, because he always looks good. But there is something … smudged to his appearance. He looks like a letter too long held between clammy hands, the ink bleeding out between paper and skin. It makes him look exhausted and tired and not quite all himself. James wonders when the last time was he got enough sleep. 

“I’m gonna go to the loo,” Barty announces cheerfully then and James already makes effort to get up so Barty can move past him. “Oh, don’t worry,” Barty shakes his head. “I got this.” And then he is simply climbing up and across the table, jumping off the other side and stalking off. 

The fact that no one calls Barty out for stepping on the table tells James with certainty that his friends arranged this get-together, and planned for him and Regulus to end up sitting next to each other. The fact that Regulus doesn’t call Barty out for it tells James that he absolutely does not want to engage with this in the least. 

James opens his mouth to say something, anything, but before he gets a word out Regulus springs up. “I also need to use the loo,” he says, and then forces Evan and Dorcas to let him pass as he literally flees from James. 

An uncomfortable silence stretches out across the table until James addresses Sirius. “I don’t know why you thought this would be a good idea,” he says bitterly. 

Sirius shrugs helplessly. “Barty and I came to the conclusion you’re both absolutely miserable about this and need to talk…” 

“Barty’s judgement of how to get Reg and me to do the things he wants us to do has never been good.” James huffs. “Neither has any of your lot’s meddling,” he adds louder, giving all his friends a hard look, but directing it especially towards Marlene. 

He is so sick of it. He is so sick of all of it. If his friends hadn’t kept sticking their nose everywhere, if they hadn’t kept poking when James told them to stop, it would all be better. Sure, he would never have gotten to kiss Regulus, but at least Regulus could still bear the thought of staying in the same room as James. If his friends hadn’t insisted on pushing them together and pushing themselves into it as well, James might have been able to keep Regulus as his friend. They’ve only just gotten there, properly, and now the fake dating’s ruined everything James had ever wanted.

It’s no wonder to him that Regulus needs space from him now. The constant teasing must have sucked for Regulus a lot more than James, considering he neither likes romance nor his relationships to be picked apart in public. If they hadn’t all made it into such a huge deal, kept making it bigger than it had any need to be, maybe Regulus wouldn’t be sick of James now and James wouldn’t have both lost a real-crush-pretend-boyfriend and a good friend in Regulus. 

James is also sick of the way Regulus, the one person who has really seen all the fucked-up parts of him recently, doesn’t seem to give a flying fuck about James’ feelings in this whole matter. James understands that Regulus needs space, but James needs reassurance that he hasn’t ruined their friendship forever with this, and Regulus clearly has no interest in giving this reassurance to him.

He is so sick of absolutely fucking everything.

“It’s– was our relationship,” James continues, voice tight. “You need to stay out of it. You’re not going to make anything better with continuously poking in around it.” James gets up, motioning for Sirius to let him pass. “Not that there is anything left to make better.”

Then, without waiting for anyone to reply, he also leaves the table. 

 

—

 

Regulus should have trusted his gut that wallowing at home would be the best way to deal with his heartache. He should have expected for Barty to pull this shit. He can’t deny that the fact he apparently worked with his brother behind Regulus’ back doesn’t hurt even more. Regulus is genuinely starting to wonder if they mean well at all or if this is just an entertaining game for them to play. ‘See how much we can push Regulus into the love of his life before he’s going to have a public breakdown’. He is certainly not entertained. 

For the first time in years Regulus buys himself a drink. He ignores the man next to him by the bar, clearly sizing him up, who’d be more than willing to pay for Regulus if he played his cards right, and pushes his own money to the bartender in exchange for a double Dragon Spit. 

“Bold choice,” the man says. 

Regulus ignores that, too. This is not a day for hooking up with anyone and not a drink for good feelings. 

The smart choice would be to go home and get drunk there, but home doesn’t have abominable cocktails of Firewhisky and tequila and Regulus is not feeling very smart today. 

He knows he’s being unreasonable in his reaction to the pre-arranged, consciously staged fake breakup that Regulus pretty much initiated. He could react worse, though. If it had been a real relationship he would be a lot worse. Moving to France would genuinely be an option he’d consider. 

He doesn’t know how to be around James now that he knows what it’s like to be treated tenderly by him. To be kissed by him, to wake up being held by him, to have him invite him over and cook for him and ask about his lectures and lend his broom to him. He can’t pretend all of that didn’t happen, and he can’t pretend he is fine with it no longer happening, and he does not need a real rejection on top of a fake breakup should James put together the pieces and figure out why Regulus is still so hung up about it. 

Someone else sits down on Regulus’ other side, closer than appropriate. 

“I’m not interested,” Regulus says without looking up from his drink. 

“I’d sure hope so,” Sirius replies. 

Regulus can’t tell if this is better or worse than a stranger trying to get him into bed. “Don’t you have a best friend to bother instead?” 

“Prongs told all of us off and then disappeared.” 

That, finally, gets Regulus to look up at his brother. 

“Have we really been meddling up your relationship that much?” 

Regulus lets out a humourless laugh. “That’s what James told you off for?”

Sirius shrugs apologetically. “Apparently we’ve been poking around in your business too much.”

“And somehow, despite being told that, you’re still poking around in my business.” 

“Nah, I’m just here to nick your drink.” And before Regulus can react Sirius does just that, taking a generous sip and grimacing. “Merlin, Reg, what’s this? Dragon Spit? Isn’t that a bit drastic?” 

“It’s my drink, you don’t get to complain about it.” 

Sirius ignores him and waves towards the bartender, gesturing to the glass in front of him. “Get me another one of these, please?” 

Regulus watches on with a frown, no idea what his brother is trying to achieve here. 

When the new drink arrives, Sirius pushes it over to Regulus. 

Regulus directs his eyes warily from the glass to Sirius. “What are you doing here?” 

“Commiserating with my brother,” Sirius says, lifting his glass for a toast towards him. 

It takes several seconds of Regulus just looking at Sirius before he clinks their glasses together and takes a swig at the same time as him. 

“Man, this stuff really sucks,” Sirius says as he lowers his glass. 

“Is effective though,” Regulus says as he focuses on the heat burning away the scratches the broken pieces of his heart have left on his insides. 

Sirius gives a noncommittal hum and then stays quiet. 

Whatever James said to their friends earlier, Regulus appreciates it. He is sure without it someone, if not Sirius himself, would have already asked about their relationship again. This way it is only oddly comforting silence between the brothers as they both sip their drinks, every now and then making faces of disgust. 

It is a strong drink, and Regulus can feel it working fast. He feels the urge to lean against Sirius, to let his brother hug him and console him like he did when they were children. He doesn’t, though. No matter how close they’ve become again since Regulus left Grimmauld Place as well, this is an aspect of their relationship they’ve never quite gotten back. 

What he does instead is say, “I really don’t want to see James again.” 

“Ouch,” Sirius says, and Regulus isn’t sure if he says it on James’ behalf or because the idea of not seeing James again actually hurts Sirius himself. “What did he do?” 

“Broke up with me…” Regulus doesn’t really care that this is a bit unfair on James. Considering Regulus was the one to insist James be the one to break up it feels like a cheap excuse to give to Sirius as to why he can’t stand being around his ex fake-boyfriend. 

“I don’t get it,” Sirius says, swirling the rest of his drink in his glass. “You two were so good together. Like, disgustingly so. What changed?” 

“James is about to be famous.” 

“Ah. And you don’t want people to watch everything you do,” Sirius finishes the thought. 

The worst thing is, if this was real, if their relationship had been real, Regulus thinks it might have very well ended the same way. Because he doesn’t want to be perceived by thousands of people. Doesn’t want to be used against the people he loves. He left his family home for this very reason, for being perceived and having to perform and to conform to expectations not suited for him. If Regulus wasn’t so heartbroken about this he’d find it hilarious how, real or fake, it was always fated to end like this. He laughs anyway, because he is drunk, and if he doesn’t laugh he will cry right now and he wants to keep some dignity. If nothing else. 

Sirius looks at him with pity. Regulus hates it. He ignores it by waving for another refill of his glass. 

“James is not our parents,” Sirius says. “He wouldn’t do that to you.” 

“The public is still the same, though,” Regulus argues. “Besides, it doesn’t matter, relationship is over.”

“You’re both miserable. What’s the point of avoiding him altogether?” 

“I don’t want to watch him be happy and fall in love with someone.” Too much truth. He really shouldn’t keep drinking. 

He takes another swig. 

“You’re being petty.”

“So what?” Regulus huffs. “At least I’m trying to do it somewhere where he won’t have to feel guilty about being happy without me. Now if you could stop trying to force us into the same room–” 

“And what of James?” Sirius interrupts. “You don’t care that he’s miserable about you literally running away from him?” 

Yes. “No.” 

“Reggie…” 

“He’ll get over it. He has other friends.” 

“Yeah, but we’re his friends. Don’t you think that’s a little different than his boyfriend?” 

“Ex,” Regulus corrects flatly. He downs more of his drink. The scratching in his throat is getting more difficult to burn away.

Sirius sighs. “Then what about me?” 

“What about you?” 

“Am I just meant to never spend time with the two of you in the same room ever again? That’s fucking bullshit, Reggie, and you know it.” 

“Not everything is about you, you’re not that important.” Stop believing you’re the most important person out there. Regulus shakes the memory away. He is the one that is upset here. James Potter has no right pushing his way into Regulus’ mind with his exhausted eyes and upset frown. 

“Well, this is about me!” Sirius insists. “You’re my brother, and so is Prongs, practically–” 

“Proof for why we should have never dated in the first place.”

“Shut up. I’m not going to lose two of the most important people in my life because our parents traumatised you into being unable to let yourself be loved loudly and openly and without shame.” 

Regulus abruptly pushes his stool back and gets up. He empties the rest of his glass in one huge gulp, resolutely sets it down on the bar, then turns to leave. 

“Reg– Regulus! Come on!” 

But he ignores his brother’s call, shakes his hand off his wrist and pushes through the crowd of people towards the exit. He doesn’t know if Sirius is following him, doesn’t turn around to check. He just wants to get away from everything. 

The night air is unwelcomingly crisp, clearing some of the fog the alcohol had so pleasantly wrapped over his mind. He doesn’t want to have to fucking think anymore. He’s so tired of it all. He doesn’t even know how to get home because he is in no condition to apparate right now. He’s not feeling like going back inside to ask Barty to take him, though. In no mood to have another conversation about James and all the ways in which his parents fucked him up. If he doesn’t figure out something better he’ll have to call the Knight Bus and that’ll just be a whole other level of hell. 

Less than hopeful he looks around for a better alternative. To his left are some people sharing a smoke. To his right is a couple making out against the wall. Regulus glares at them. How dare anyone be happy and affectionate when he is so miserable? 

The door of the pub gets pushed open again, a stream of light momentarily engulfing the couple, and Sirius calls again, “Reg, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to–”

But Regulus isn’t listening. He’s frozen in place staring at the couple, the Firewhisky and tequila threatening to burn their way back up his throat.

“Fuck,” Sirius lets out next to him, and then he’s putting an arm around Regulus and works against Regulus’ unmoving legs to lead him away from where James has his knee between someone else’s legs and his tongue down someone else’s throat.

Notes:

this was probably the most i have ever struggled with editing a chapter holy shit it still doesnt feel quite right honestly, im so sorry
anyway. top to bottom:
-theyre both sad and pathetic. james now being stuck in a cycle of he is sad and needs to play quidditch to make him feel better, but because he's sad he plays bad at quidditch which makes him sad... poor guy it just sucks. and then there is reg in james' clothes being just utterly heartbroken <33
-my darling lily <333 ive mentioned it before, snapes worst memory being So Much Worse with lily being trans. cause imagine your childhood best friend, the first person to accept you for who you are, both as a witch and a woman, the first person to call you by your name and also the person who tells you it doesnt matter that you come from a family of muggles, imagine that person now calls you a slur indicating that actually hed been lying to you the entire time and to him it DOES matter youre muggleborn. of course it would raise the question, if he lied about this, did he also lie about not seeing you differently because youre trans?? yeah thats a huge betrayal of trust...
-james admitting out loud, to another person, that hes in love with regulus :( oh the injustice of it all
-reg being tired of things vs james being sick of things uwu
-yk how usually james is the 'better to have loved and lost' and reg the 'than never to have loved at all' guy? well, theyre the other way around in this fic. james so very much regrets the fake dating because it ruined his friendship with reg and he was scared of that happening from the beginning. whereas reg is just glad that he got to love james at least for a while, even if now it fucking hurts and he doesnt want it anymore. love that distinction.

anyway, long notes, im sorry for the continued suffering but alas.... sacrifices must be made......are you still having fun?

find me on tumblr

Chapter 21: Songs Without Words

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from Lieder ohne Worte, Andante sostenuto Venetianisches Gondellied op. 19/6 (MWV U 78) by Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy

James
i kissed someone else and

James
after you left when

James
i kissed someone else but i could only think about y

James
hey reg

James
im sorry

James
this sucks i dont know what to

James
i miss y

James
im trying to get over you but i dont know how when i can only think of you even when i

James
i wish i hadn

James
i should have never agreed to fake dating you when im in love with y

James
i wish i never

James
i wish you still cared about me

James
<Link Attached>

Notes:

find me on tumblr

Chapter 22: Life Without You on My Mind

Notes:

here is the playlist for this fic

this chapter title is from I'm Still Standing by Elton John

warnings for this chapter

this chapter is quite a lot vibe wise, this is the best i can summarise any actual warning. it all still feels very vague so as always ill try my best to summarise them more detaily and spoilery in the end notes
-something that could be considered stalking
-defamation??
-feeling deserving of blame/bad things happening to them
-homophobia/slurs

if this fanfiction was a rubik's cube we would currently be in the middle of solving the last layer.

Regulus wakes up with a headache in an unfamiliar bed. It takes him a while to sort his surroundings, because it doesn’t feel unfamiliar. When he turns his head to get an idea of where he is, everything immediately falls into place.

Sirius’ side of the bed is empty, but it’s clear he spent the night sharing his bed with his brother, the blankets still rumpled, a note and a small vial of purple potion on his bedside table.

Regulus feels warmer at the uncharacteristically soft gesture.

He doesn’t remember Sirius taking him home with him last night. He does, however, remember why his brother probably deemed it necessary. The image of James kissing someone else is still firmly burned into his retinas.

It’s not like Regulus has never seen James make out with anyone before. It’s an often-enough occurrence when they all go out together that Regulus expects it to happen at this point. It just feels a lot different now that he knows what it’s like to be kissed by James. Knows how disarming it is, how James is so determined to make it all about the person he’s kissing. It had never been nice when Regulus hadn’t yet been kissed by James. But it’s altogether awful now that it is no longer Regulus who’s being kissed. Worse yet when he thinks about how easily James moved on from their fake relationship. He had truly been nothing more than a willing participant in a means to an end. Not that he ever thought himself anything else. Yet how there is still anything left of his heart to break further he has no idea.

Regulus takes the hangover potion, then grabs the clothes Sirius lay out for him and heads to the bathroom to take a shower. Afterwards he joins Sirius in the kitchen, a big cup of coffee already waiting for him. 

“Feeling any better?” Sirius asks. 

Regulus only shrugs. His head isn’t pounding anymore and Sirius’ shirt, while too loose for Regulus’ taste, is clean and smells nice, but those are not the overarching feelings that matter. Not the ones that Sirius is asking about. 

“Last night,” Sirius starts carefully. “Do you rememb–”

“I remember,” Regulus interrupts immediately. He doesn’t want to hear it spoken out loud. The way James had already moved on. Although, Regulus considers, it can barely be called moving on when there hadn’t been anything real to be hung up about in the first place. 

“I’m sorry,” Sirius says. 

“It’s not your fault.” Except, in a way, it is. Nothing of this would feel as bad if it hadn’t been for Sirius, and for James trying to protect him. 

“You’ll get over him,” Sirius says. 

“I know,” Regulus replies. 

They both know it’s a lie. There is no getting over James Potter. People like them can’t invite someone like James into their life, let him have a piece of them, and then continue on without him. James Potter is a forever, and Regulus has no way of changing that. 

—

James still feels awful after last night. He’d been hurt, and then he’d been angry, and then he’d been frustrated, which had finally turned into the beginnings of hyperventilating. So when he’d found himself outside the Modern Mage, trying to get his breathing back under control, and a stranger had offered him a cigarette and then offered him a calming hand on his back, and then in his hair, James had just let it happen. It wasn’t Regulus calming him down, but that was kind of the entire point. It wasn’t Regulus kissing him either, and not Regulus moaning into his mouth, and not Regulus he had to turn down when being invited to share a bed for the night. And yet, at every step of those moments spent together James had imagined it was Regulus. He feels guilty about it in so many different ways. 

The ring of his doorbell pulls him out of his spiralling. James isn’t expecting anyone, and the only person to show up unannounced is usually Sirius, who has a key, so James has no idea whom to expect when he opens the door. 

“Potter,” Barty greets him, looking more sober than James has ever seen him. 

“Barty,” James says startled, then opens the door wider to let him in. 

Barty considers the gesture for a moment before he follows it up by walking through to James’ kitchen. James follows confused. 

“Uh, can I get you anything? Water? Something to eat?” 

“No, I’m good,” Barty declines and sits down on one of the chairs. It’s not the one Regulus always chose. “Sit,” he gestures to one of the other free chairs. 

James sits. 

“I come to apologise.” 

“Apologise?” James echoes, even more confused now. 

“Well, mostly I come here to give you back your stuff, but yes. Apologise. Got updated on your little outburst yesterday. Apologised to Regulus for locking him into a room. He said I should apologise to you as well, so that’s what I’m doing right now.”

“Oh– okay…” 

“Also the trying to get you to fuck Regulus, I guess that wasn’t my best move. Although I am happy that it worked out.” 

James doesn’t say anything to that. 

“Now as for the main reason…” He puts the jute bag James hadn’t realised he’d been carrying down on the table. “Regulus asked me to give those back to you.” From the bag he pulls three items of clothing; James’ Elqueue shirt, the red shirt Regulus borrowed from him weeks ago, and his Gryffindor Quidditch jumper. The sight of them makes bile rise in James’ throat. 

“Thanks…” he says lamely and accepts the stack of clothes, but immediately puts it down on the table again and refuses to look at it. 

Then they both don’t say anything for a while. Barty simply watches him with that uninterested raised eyebrow of his, and James tries to ignore the implications of Barty being the one to return James’ clothes to him, or the fact they’re being returned at all. 

“I kissed someone last night,” James eventually blurts out. The guilt of it is eating him alive. He needs to tell someone.

“I know,” Barty says, voice detached. “Regulus saw you.” 

Oh, James thinks. That makes it so much worse. 

“Did you enjoy it?” Barty asks. 

“No.” The kiss had been nice, but James could not enjoy it, not while he wished it was Regulus he was kissing. 

“Good,” says Barty. 

James isn’t sure he agrees with that evaluation. 

“I want to talk to him again.” 

“The person you made out with?” 

James shakes his head. “Regulus. I miss being his friend.” 

“Sucks to be you,” Barty grins mirthlessly. 

“Barty…” 

“I don’t know if that’s a friendship salvageable.” 

James’ chest clenches tightly, making it difficult to breathe. “If I had known this is how it would end I would have never started this thing with Regulus,” he says. The truth. He is so sick of all the lies. He just wants to tell the truth. “I can live with not dating him. I don’t mind. I’ve got loads of practice in unrequited crushing. But I can’t– I’m not okay with not having him in my life at all.” He runs one finger along the seam of his Quidditch jumper. He wonders if it smells like Regulus at all. If the few times he’s worn it have been enough to make it smell like salty wind and summer rain. “He’s important to me. I care about him. And I want him to be my friend.” 

“I don’t know if friendship is enough for Regulus.” 

“Friendship isn’t worth less than romance,” James huffs. 

“I know that,” Barty says with an eyeroll. “Not sure if Reg agrees, though. Not with his questionable relationship to love in general.” 

“So he’s just never gonna talk to me again?” 

“I don’t know,” Barty admits. “Considering yours and his friend group are pretty much the same I think there’s a good chance he won’t have another choice.” 

“Won’t have another choice,” James repeats bitterly. ”But he wouldn’t choose to talk to me.” 

“Probably not,” Barty agrees. “You know how he is. He doesn’t do things halfway. Had to cut off his family completely to be able to distance himself from them at all...”

James gapes at him. “Are you seriously comparing me to– to those people right now?”

Barty lifts his hand in defence. “Hey, I’m just saying. I don’t think Regulus knows how to do things in in-betweens when it comes to relationships. You’re not dating him anymore, so you’re not getting him at all.”

“This is bullshit!” James frustratedly runs his hands through his hair. “Why does he get to decide what our relationship looks like now? I also need things. Why can he get what he needs and I just have to deal with what that means for me?”

It’s because James has wishes, and Regulus has boundaries. He knows that. It still doesn’t feel fair.

Barty shrugs defeated. “Mate, I’d really love to help you here, in my opinion dating you was one of the best decisions Regulus has done in a while, but I really don’t know what else to tell you. Maybe he’ll get over it. Maybe he won’t. I don’t think you snogging someone else in front of him worked in your favour, though. Don’t think making him jealous works on him like that.”

“I didn’t do it to make him jealous.”

Barty raises an eyebrow.

“It was my misguided attempt to move on or whatever,” James mumbles.

“Worked well, I see.”

“As I said. Misguided.”

Barty huffs out a laugh, then reaches across the table and gives James a little pat on his arm. “I’ll tell him you’re still pining after him, maybe that’ll sway him your way again.”

“Please don’t,” James says. The last thing he needs is Regulus believing James won’t be able to move past this and be just normal friends with him.

Barty shrugs again. “If that’s what you want...” He rises from his chair, giving James a clap on his back as a goodbye. Before he leaves, he says, “Do remember that he also stopped talking to Sirius completely and for the rest of his life.”

James is still staring at the closed door to his flat several minutes after Barty’s already left, thinking about those last words.

 

—

 

Regulus’ room feels empty without the little signs of James. It’s not just the bright specks of colour now missing from his cupboard. He also had to ban the polaroids of him and James they took when they first prepared clues for their supposed relationship to the back of one of his desk drawers. At the moment, the most telling sign of James having left an impact on Regulus’ life is the gap in his bookshelf, where the book he gave to him several weeks ago should be standing. Which feels terribly ironic – all Regulus has left of James is an absence. 

James still sends him a link to a song every day. 

Regulus still adds every single one to his playlist. 

With the end of the semester he has barely anything to keep himself busy with. No more lectures or papers to write, even his student job is put on pause for the time being since there is no need for edits with no new material being put out. 

Regulus does get himself a ticket to train at the Elqueue stadium. It costs more than he’s really comfortable to pay, but the thought of asking Marlene (or worse yet, James) to take him along is unbearable. He always goes for the last slot at night, training from nine to eleven, which suits him well enough. His new broom is even better than he had first thought, which kind of upsets him considering James more or less got it for him. Regulus just wishes it was easier to hate him.  

He feels like he is actually getting somewhere with preparing a vague outline for his plans to teach Terence all the things he’s asked for. It’s a challenge, but he enjoys it; Going through his list of manoeuvres Terence metioned as well as a few Regulus thinks will be good for him to know, figuring out in which order he should approach them, and which exercises he should introduce to learn them in the most effective and safest way. Overall he thinks he’s figured out a good enough approach to the point he actually finds himself looking forward to his next training with the boy.

Things could barely be worse at the moment, but at least he still has this.

 

Of course, Regulus should have known that just having had that thought alone would be enough to make things so much worse.

The letter comes Saturday night, in the middle of him debating if he should cave and attempt to cook James’ dal, or eat pesto pasta for the third day in a row.

A gentle tapping on the window makes him look up.

“You getting another owl?” Barty asks from the sofa, without bothering to look up from his book. “In this economy?”

“Guess so...” Regulus frowns at the familiar Higgs’ family owl, wondering why they contact him a day before he’s going to see them anyway. He is also still vaguely annoyed by the fact that they’re trying so hard to fit in with the traditional Pureblood families that they’re not reachable via phone or at least email, which is really just so inconvenient nowadays.

Regulus closes the door of the kitchen cupboard he’d already been staring into for several minutes and opens his window instead, untying the letter from the owl’s leg. It’s a thick envelope, thicker than all the notes Mrs Higgs had been sending him before his first training with Terence. Regulus sets a bowl of water on the windowsill for the owl, then slices the envelope open to pull out the contents. There are two things inside. One is a folded-up section of a magazine. The other is a letter.

Regulus unfolds the letter first and with a crease between his eyebrows starts reading.

Good evening, Regulus, I hope this letter finds you well.

It has come to my attention that you have had relations with the new Caerphilly Catapults Chaser James Potter. I know it is improper to mention this and should be none of my concern, however, since Mr. Potter also happens to be my son’s trainer and one of his idols, I feel this needs addressing. I have no interest in involving myself in your personal life, but since word usually travels fast I need you to refrain from coming to our home for the time being. I do not want this to negatively affect Terence. Since he idolises Mr. Potter and is overly excited about the news of him going to join the Upper League, and also looks up to you, I cannot have him find out about your past with each other while you train him.

As to our agreement I will continue to transfer your payment to your Gringotts vault. I will contact you again once I deem it appropriate to resume your lessons, unless I decide to terminate our contract with the agreed upon notice period of six weeks.

I hope you understand.

I wish you all the best,

Madelaine Higgs

By the time Regulus reaches the end the letter is trembling between his fingers. He’s only glad he hasn’t actually gotten to eating dinner yet, because he’s sure he would have otherwise thrown up by now.

He looks at the folded magazine pages, but his hands are still clamped around the letter, not able to open to even pick them up yet.

“Hey, you good?” Barty asks from over at the sofa. Regulus can neither nod nor look in his direction. He’s just standing there, letter in hand, bile rising in his throat, as all the worst possible scenarios come crashing down around him.

“Reg,” Barty says again, this time a lot closer.

Regulus gives the tiniest shake of his head. That’s all he can manage right now.

The letter is pulled from his hand. Regulus lets it happen. He’s still staring at the magazine pages, terrified to open them, terrified what they will say about him. He’s feared this. He tried to avoid this. For James. For himself. And now it’s happened anyway.

“Oh, that bitch,” Barty mutters. “Just ‘cause you used to date? Give me that.” He snatches the magazine pages up. Regulus makes no move to stop him. He does follow it with his eyes, though, the movement as unwilling as everything else he’s being made to do here. 

It’s sickening watching Barty unfold the pages. Three of them, which can never be a good sign. 

From the abundance of colourful pictures taking up most of the space, with text clearly being a secondary source of information, it is obvious that what they're looking at are pages from the Witch Weekly. 

The first page shows a photo of James as he scores a goal during his last game against Elqueue. The wind is tugging at his hair and robes, the muscles in his arms and thighs clearly visible from the exertion of the throw. He looks nothing short of mouthwatering hot and Regulus is fairly sure that is the entire intention behind the article. Gain not just sympathy, but blind admiration for James to forge an automatic dislike of Regulus. It seems to have worked on Mrs Higgs already.

Hot and Heartbroken!, the small text subtitling James’ photo reads. Rising star player James Potter got cheated on by his ex-boyfriend Regulus Black!

It takes everything in Regulus not to throw up there and then. This is worse than he’d ever thought possible.

Against his will he starts reading the article, the letters swimming in and out of focus before his eyes.

Quidditch fans thought they had seen it all when former first Chaser of the Appleby Arrows, Kayden Jones, betrayed their love and trust and switched to the nemesis team, the Wimborne Wasps. But drama keeps evolving, and the Quidditch world still is not free from stories of betrayal and heartbreak!

James Potter, newest member of the Caerphilly Catapults and from many prophesied to become Britain’s new star player is revealed freshly single after his relationship with Regulus Black has come to a tragic end.

The couple is known to have had a secret relationship for at least four months, as Marlene McKinnon has revealed to Witch Weekly. Marlene, better known to wizards and Muggles alike by her pseudonym @marlskinsmcs, is a good friend to both James and Regulus, and first uncovered the couple’s relationship when she walked in on them hooking up (and here comes another dramatic reveal, as if this story doesn’t already have enough of those) during a party held by Regulus’ own brother and James’ best friend, Sirius Black. You read that right! James Potter hooked up with his best friend’s brother literally behind his best friend’s back. 

Now, it is easy to assume the secrecy surrounding their relationship stems from this – the need to hide from a brother’s slash best friend’s wrath. But what if there is more to it? What if Regulus has followed a far darker plot, living up to his family name?

The Black family are known for their social and political influence, powerful, persuasive and often times playing their games of intrigue by manipulating rules in their favour. We remember, for example, the beginning of the year when–

Barty flips the page, swearing under his breath. Regulus has no idea how that paragraph ended, what horror stories Witch Weekly pulled out about his family, no idea how they connected it back to him. There’s no need for him to read it, though. He knows his family well enough to be aware that in this regard, at least, the magazine is right. Powerful and manipulative, that’s always been the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.

Regulus palms are wet with sweat, his fingernails digging into his skin hard enough to break it at any moment. It barely helps to ground him. He is cold, frozen in the rising panic taking over him.

–a masquerade? So is it not thinkable that Regulus, driven by jealous and the lust for power – over James having a better relationship with Regulus’ brother than Regulus himself, and over James having more influential power and fame than Regulus – has schemed similarly? A game of manipulation and deception, to gain James Potter’s trust, and either claw his fingers into his stardom, or rip it apart before James can reach it.

It is more than speculations! Sources close to Regulus have revealed the dark secret of the once so seemingly happy couple. Throughout the entire relationship Regulus has played his game – and played with James’ heart! Not even heartthrob and future star Chaser James was enough to keep Regulus satisfied. For months, we have been told, he’s been cheating on his secret boyfriend – the ‘secret’ a necessary part of the title to lay out his carefully crafted plans of going behind James’ back to finally stab through it and break his heart when most vulnerable: Just when his position as a Chaser on one of Britain’s hottest teams is right within reach.

Of course, while we know his plans of bringing upon James’ downfall before his rise to fame could start have failed, the heartbreak is undeniable!

At that point they made a reference to a smaller photo in the middle of the text. It’s of James sitting on a sofa, tears streaming down his face. Regulus recognises it. It’s at least a year old, taken at the girls’ place during a movie night. The magazine must have pulled it from one of his friends’ social media accounts to depict it in a false context, labelling it with ‘Crushed and Grieving – James Potter finds out about his cheating boyfriend!’

Beneath that photo is another one. It’s the worst one yet, because this one is of Regulus. ‘Rogue-ulus Black’, it reads next to it, ‘James’ ex-boyfriend on his hunt for another illicit affair’. The picture is dark and slightly fuzzy, a photo Regulus has never seen before, but too easily sorted into a timeline. It’s taken at the Modern Mage, Regulus sitting at the bar talking to someone next to him. He is fairly sure that someone is Bertram Aubrey. Which means this photo must have been taken months ago.

He suddenly remembers a snippet of the night. A detail he’d not cared about in the least, didn’t even know he had saved in his brain.

“I’m a photographer, you know? I am good at spotting beautiful things and you, baby, sure are beautiful.”

A jolt goes through Regulus’ body, and then he is suddenly moving, making it to the bathroom just in time to fall down to his knees and throw up in the toilet.

His stomach is empty nearly immediately, the last time he’s eaten too long ago, but it doesn’t stop the repeated retching, the stomach fluid burning up his throat.

Barty is next to him, pulling the strings of Regulus’ hooded jumper aside and rubbing his back gently. When it finally stops, Regulus’ face wet with tears, the retching replaced with sobs now, he gets up to get Regulus a glass of water to rinse his mouth with, then sits on the bathroom floor next to him.

“I can’t do this again,” Regulus sobs, and Barty pulls him against his chest, wrapping his arms around him. “I can’t do this.”

“I’m sorry,” Barty says gently. He’s so rarely gentle that it makes Regulus only cry harder. “It’ll be okay, no one will believe this anyway, it’s ridiculous.”

“Mrs Higgs believes it already,” Regulus hiccups.

“She thinks her nine-year-old might believe it if he hears about it. That’s different.”

“She asked me not to come anymore.”

“Well, she’s a bitch. This article is utter bullshit. You scheming to be like your family, like you’ve not left those wankers years ago. Everyone with an ounce of brain will get this.”

“They have a photo of m–”

“They also have a photo of James crying over Moulin Rouge, that photo of you flirting could have been taken literally at any time.” But even Barty sounds not entirely certain as he says this.

Regulus forces the rest of his tears down, swallowing around the lump in his throat, then pulls back from the embrace to look at his best friend.

Barty reads the unasked question off his face. “Don’t know how far you read, but the source close to you did bring up some kinda damning points, bunch of unkind facts about James and Sirius. And I didn’t even get quite to the end...”

“It’s Bozo,” Regulus says. “The one I slept with when you accused me of cheating on James. He’s the source.”

“Well, that’s fucking ironic...” Barty mutters. Regulus appreciates the honest sarcasm.

“I shouldn’t have... I knew it was a mistake, I hated him the second he flirted with me, but I was so angry at James, I just needed...” he trails off, horror sinking in even further. “I complained to him about James so much, I told him how much I hated him and his way he knowing what to say to calm Sirius down. That I’m jealous of their relationship. I gave him all of that information.” He’d said awful things about James. It was bad enough he’d felt the need to send James a text apologising afterwards despite him not even having heard anything of what Regulus had said. And Bozo had been a shit listener, but he clearly had picked up enough to sell it to the Witch Weekly.

“You couldn’t have known,” Barty says. “This is not your fault.”

“He tried to call me a couple days ago,” Regulus says. “I blocked his number instead of answering.”

“Good for you,” Barty says emphatically.

“I should have picked up. I could have avoided this.”

“The dude is clearly a prick, I doubt you could have avoided this if you had tried. Fucking fame chaser he is. Reaching out to the Witch Weekly with a scandal that’s ninety percent made up by him?” He scoffs, anger clearly audible. “I bet he saw James’ name mentioned in the Quidditch Times, remembered you talking about him and wanted to get more shit on him. And since you didn’t give him any he just made shit up.”

It sounds too reasonable, but it doesn’t help ease any of Regulus’ panic. He feels absolutely violated. Already the fact that Bozo apparently took a photo of Regulus before trying to chat him up, and kept it makes him want to throw up all over again. Being watched and being used to paint a narrative. Made to hurt people he loved, made to be hated by everyone.

“My– my parents can read this,” Regulus chokes out suddenly. “They can see this. They will see this. Their name is being smeared because of me, they will–”

“If they try anything, I will kill them,” Barty interrupts him. “I’m being so serious. If they even try to contact you, I will kill them. It’s their own fucking mistakes that rag pulled out again, that’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

Regulus isn’t so sure about that. It feels a lot like his fault. He should never have told Bozo anything about James. Should have never slept with him. Should have never kept his bloody number in the first place.

“James is gonna–” he stutters, thoughts all over the place. “I need– Someone needs to tell him. He needs to know, I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t mean for this to happen, I swear!”

“Hey, Reg, it’s okay. I know. Alright? I know you didn’t want this. You’re so clearly upset about this, not even you are masochistic enough to have wanted this. I’ll let...” Barty actually takes a moment pause to think about it. Another rare thing, only telling Regulus how serious his best friend is taking this. “I’ll tell Peter. Enough of a neutral party. He’ll know how to handle this. I’ll also let Dorcas know to tell her girlfriend, she got mentioned in that shitfuck as well after all.”

Regulus sags in on himself, the relief over at least some of this a wave breaking over him and pulling him down with it. He’s so exhausted. He’s so exhausted, all of this so bad, he’s completely giving up on thinking at all, his brain having reached some limit and now giving out entirely.

“I’ll make you some tea and see if we have any crackers left. You need to get something back inside you and then you’re going to bed. I’ll handle the rest for now.”

There’s no question to it, but Regulus doesn’t think he would have fought it anyway. He lets himself be pulled up and ushered into the kitchen where he is directed to sit on the sofa while Barty works away in the kitchen.

Ridiculously enough, Regulus keeps thinking about James’ face during the party at his place when they played truth or dare. His face when Regulus was forced to reveal he slept with Bozo only two weeks prior. The panic and the hurt and the defeat. It feels like a too early reaction to something that would only happen weeks later. Regulus wonders if James will also flinch at the news this time.

 

—

 

James gets a call from his manager at 8 p.m. on a Saturday. 

“Hello?” he asks uncertainly. Alex should not be working at this time, much less calling him. 

“James. If you get any requests about interviews or statements, do not reply to them for now.”

“What?” James asks uncertainly. “You already told me this, I need to refer them to you first.” 

“Yes, but this is–” the rest of Alex’ sentence gets drowned out in the ringing of James’ doorbell. 

“Excuse me, someone’s at the door, I will be back in a minute,” James apologises. With his phone pressed to his chest he goes to open the front door. 

“Sirius will be here in a bit,” Peter says instead of a greeting. Remus is standing behind him with a grim look on his face. 

“What?” James asks again. “Sorry, I’m on the phone right now, please just sit down I’ll uh… join you in a bit?” 

Without waiting for his friends’ reaction James goes to his room, closing the door behind himself and puts the phone back to his ear. “Sorry for the interruption Alex, I’m back. What were you saying?” 

“There’s been an article about you in Witch Weekly,” Alex finally gives some new information. 

“What?” The last time James had to ask what this many times he’d been sat at a restaurant opposite an overwhelmingly gorgeous Regulus with an abundance of love bites on his neck. 

“It’s nothing bad about you, don’t worry, they sang your praise quite a lot. Maybe a little too focussed on your looks, but that’s nothing we didn’t see coming.”

“I don’t understand, then what’s the issue?” 

“Nothing we can’t handle,” Alex immediately assures him. “They just did what Witch Weekly does best and unearthed private things about your uh… your last relationship.” 

James freezes. Officially his last relationship was with Regulus. If his manager feels the need to call him outside of work hours, this could only mean they found something worth reporting on. Something like the fact the whole thing was fake, a pretence, nothing more than a lie. 

“First of all, and on a personal matter, I’m really sorry,” Alex continues, which doesn’t make sense to James. “Regarding the professional side of it, there’s a good chance tabloids will want some emotional response from you and try to provoke you accordingly. Hence, don’t reply to any of them for now. Our best bet to keep you well and in good light is to refuse a statement for the time being until Witch Weekly has found its next drama. You have that interview with Lorio Liborius on Thursday anyway, he is a reputable Quidditch focussed reporter so that won’t pose an issue and will bring focus back on other aspects. Regardless, we will address it in your media training introduction on Monday.”

James doesn’t know what to say. He’s still stuck at the fact that everyone apparently knows about him and Regulus. Everyone meaning that– oh, that would explain why his friends just showed up at his place unannounced. Why Remus had looked so grim. The Sirius will be here in a bit. 

“Don’t worry, James,” Alex says, “I know this is quite a lot for you, considering you only just entered the public’s interest, but we are used to these kinds of things and know how to act in your and your team’s best interest. I already cleared it with Robin, you do not need to come to your training tomorrow if you’re feeling too off. If you need another day to collect yourself, please do.”

“But I can come?” James asks. He isn’t sure if this is just Alex telling him politely not to show up to work before they’ve smoothed everything over. 

“Yeah, sure, but you are expected on Monday so if you feel like you might need a proper break in between take off work until then.”

“Okay,” James mumbles, relieved. He’s definitely not going to take off work. He has a match in a week. He needs the training. He also needs the distraction. “Thanks.” 

“I’ll see you Monday,” his manager tells him. “And I really am sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” James says, though he doesn’t know what he’s actually saying it to. “I hope you have a good rest of your weekend.”

“You too,” Alex says. Then the call ends. 

James keeps standing in his room for a few minutes longer. He’s not ready for whatever questions his friends have for him. How can he possibly explain why he started a fake relationship with Regulus? How is he supposed to explain why he’s so upset about its end? 

He really needs to read the article. Figure out what his friends know. This is one of those times he wishes the Ministry allowed magic on the internet, just so he could simply google it and find out without first having to go out there and face his friends. 

James grits his teeth and squares his shoulders. They already know, it doesn’t really matter now anyway. Maybe better to get the first part over with as long as Sirius isn’t here yet. 

When James comes into the living room, Peter is sitting on the sofa with a big pot of tea in front of him, which James doesn’t even get the chance to react to, because Remus is pulling him into a warm hug. 

“You should have said,” he says into James’ hair. James hugs him back startled. “It really did look like you two were happy.”

“Yeah, well, clearly not, considering Regulus’s been cheating this whole time.”

“What?” James asks now even more confused than before. 

Remus pulls back, the seriousness now replaced with worry. “Is that… not why you broke up?” he asks slowly. 

“No!” James says emphatically. “We just don’t work together, that’s all!” 

Peter clears his throat. “Are you even aware of the cheating?” 

“Regulus has never cheated on me,” James says with conviction in his voice. 

Peter looks at him with pity, Remus with worry. “But what about all the stuff in the article–” 

“I have no idea what article you’re talking about, until five minutes ago I wasn’t aware of anything at all.” 

Peter and Remus exchange a look, some message passing between them that James can’t pick up on. Finally Remus pulls a badly creased magazine from his pocket.

“Barty called me earlier,” Peter explains while Remus flips to the correct page to hand over to James. “Says to tell you he didn’t mean for this to happen and didn’t want to hurt you, or some bullshit. I then made a quick trip to Diagon and picked up the paper. Fucking bullshit,” he says again.

James takes the newspaper from Remus and looks at it, immediately being greeted with a photo of himself. It’s a nice photo, at least, James isn’t too mad about that. The rest of the article however... The more he reads the deeper the frown lines on his forehead grow.

“This isn’t right,” James says. “They made this up.”

“You broke up, James, you don’t have to defend him anymore.”

“But it’s just not true! Reg wouldn’t cheat!” Besides of course there’s the fact that they weren’t dating in the first place and Regulus didn’t have anyone to cheat on. When James thinks about it like that he considers there is a good chance the article isn’t as far off as he wants to believe. They talked about it, again after James had stayed the night with Regulus. That them playing up a relationship was no reason for Regulus not to sleep with other people. It’s entirely possible that throughout the last months Regulus had sexual partners James simply didn’t know about, because what Regulus does with his own life should be of no concern to him. Which doesn’t mean the thought doesn’t upset him quite a lot.

His friends have known him long enough to pick up on the wave of uncertainty washing over him. Remus pulls him into another hug, and Peter starts swearing profusely, and only stops when the doorbell rings, followed by Sirius unlocking the door himself a moment later.

James gently pushes Remus away and waves a hello to Sirius when he joins them in the living room. “It’s really fine,” James says. “You didn’t have to come.”

“I’m still not fully sure why I’m here,” Sirius admits. “Moony just texted that there’s an emotional emergency and I should come here as soon as I can.”

“Witch Weekly wrote an article about me,” James says. “Well, me and Regulus, really.” He hesitates. “Mostly about Regulus.”

“One of his affair partners came forward and revealed Reg’s been cheating on James the whole time while badmouthing him and you,” Peter adds.

“What?” Sirius asks incredulously, and James is incredibly glad his best friend has pretty much the same reaction to the news as he had. “That doesn’t sound right. Can I see the article?”

Wordlessly James hands the magazine to Sirius and watches his eyebrows slowly rise higher and higher the more he reads.

“I don’t–” Sirius bites his lip and looks at James guiltily, then back at the article, until finally he continues, “Prongs, I love you, and if you tell me this is true I will immediately go over to my brother and set some things right. But, I’m sorry, I just don’t believe this.”

James lets out a relieved little laugh. “Yeah, me neither. They pulled a photo of me from– was that Mary’s birthday last year? Like, if they lie about that they’d lie about the rest, right? Plus, it’s Witch Weekly. They’re not exactly known for being a reputable news source.”

Sirius nods. “Regulus may be a little shit, I’ll be the first to admit that, but he was extremely serious about you.”

James’ chest caves in painfully, an involuntary twitch drawing his eyebrows together.

Sirius gives him a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry... What I mean is, when I had the talk with the two of you, after the whole Veritaserum disaster... I know my brother, and he wasn’t lying about that. He likes– liked you a lot. And he wouldn’t have dated you if he wasn’t entirely sure about the commitment.”

“You sound incredibly certain for someone who threw the first cheating accusation at his head back then,” Peter points out darkly.

Sirius looks abashed. “Yeah, well, that was before he needed like three tries and a lot of fighting his inner Walburga voice to admit to liking James.” He takes a breath for a new sentence, and then holds it in, giving James another one of those guilty looks. When he finally lets it out it comes with the words, “And before I had him in my bed drunkenly sobbing over James making out with someone else.”

“I made him cry?” James asks at the same time as Remus asks, “You kissed someone else?”

“After the breakup,” James defends himself. “Tried to move on. Don’t think it worked,” he adds in a mumble.

Sirius gives him a look at that. Some form of exhausted question of why they wouldn’t just stay together. James doesn’t know how to answer it when there had never been a staying together in the first place. He can feel his face fall and there is nothing he can do to stop it. He just… misses Regulus a lot. 

“Should I talk to him about it?” James asks quietly. “About the article. I don’t imagine he’s having a good time about it. They were at least nice about me. Didn’t exactly give Regulus the same courtesy…” 

“I’m still not convinced of his innocence,” Peter says. “Even if he didn’t cheat, the shit he said about you is true, if incredibly unkind, so that definitely happened. So I’m voting no.” 

Peter looks at Remus expectantly, but Remus shakes his head. “I think James should talk to him.” He looks at James instead. “You clearly want to. And I think this would be kind of you.”

“No,” Sirius disagrees. “Not about this. He’s got to be freaking out enough already. Don’t add even more things to think about for him.”

James hates this. He had hoped Sirius would encourage it, so badly longing for a reason to see Regulus again, to talk to him. He hates how much it gets to him, how it hasn’t gotten easier one bit since that last phone call with him, how he can still feel tears rising in his throat. 

“That’s it,” Sirius says determinately. “I can’t do this anymore.” He takes hold of James’ and Remus’ hands and drags them both to sit around the coffee table, joining Peter. “We’re all here already. We plan the Gordon prank right now. This is no longer just a revenge prank for me, this is now also a cheering up Prongs prank. Alright?” 

“Alright…” James really isn’t feeling pranking at all right now, but he still gives a tiny shrug. No reason to upset Sirius on top of himself.

 

When James shows up to the training on Sunday he is greeted by an array of surprised and pitying looks. He prefers the surprise over the pity but dislikes both, and so he keeps to Seth during the training, because Seth doesn’t look at him at all. The most he gets from him is that at some point Seth says, “Robin said you’d probably not come today.”

James just shrugs. “The article is bullshit.”

Seth nods. “I also wouldn’t have skipped the training,” he says, and then adjusts his grip on James’ broom so James can practice his evasion roll again. With that the conversation is over and they’re focussing on Quidditch once more.

In a weird way it reminds James of Regulus. The way there is no pity, no coddling. Just a way to ease the stress off him, in this instance by giving James the option to at least work on improving something he has control over, namely preparing for his first match with the Catapults. Although, he considers, Regulus would have not brushed the subject off quite that much. He would have told James to talk about it, and then told him his honest opinion about it before focussing back on the match.

But Regulus isn’t here, and if he were James wouldn’t be in such a pitying state in the first place. So he shifts his focus from Regulus back to Seth to give him a starting sign, focusses on the muscles in his legs, and propels himself around his broom one-handed.

 

It's difficult to plan a prank with little enough magic to incriminate themselves for harming Muggles, considering planning pranks with magic is all they’ve done since their first year in school. But since Sirius got hired at his new job, him, Remus and Peter have already done plenty brainstorming and abandoning unreasonable plans. James is glad, because for much more than the finishing touches he really doesn’t have the necessary excitement at the moment. It’s good, though, forcing himself through it, forcing mischievous joy and letting his yearning for Regulus be replaced by spite for Sirius’ old boss. 

It all goes faster than James expects. Monday morning at nine, exactly four hours before his meeting with Alex, they meet at Remus and Peter’s flat, loading the little necessary equipment and themselves into Sirius’ work car, and driving to that awful car shop that James would like to burn down nearly as much as Number 12, Grimmauld Place. 

James hasn’t worn his invisibility cloak in years. A tragedy how useless it became once he started to dip his feet into his adult life. But now, as he disappears underneath it again, the rush of adrenaline courses through him the same as it had those countless times in school.

It’s such a stupid prank, but that’s what makes it so ingenious.

James, invisible underneath his cloak, sneaks into the shop as Sirius opens the door for himself and Remus. Peter, in his Animagus form, scurries in along them, so far staying out of sight. The ministry knows neither about the cloak nor about them being Animagi, which means that they cannot catch them for it. Besides, what they’re doing is not magic. No new spells being spoken to enact their revenge, so it can be argued that they’re fully working within legal bounds of Muggle-wizard relations.

The door jingles, a noise James is not used to despite his numerous times of picking Sirius up from work, because usually they just used the garage door instead of the front shop one. James is actually not entirely sure he’s ever properly been in here. Now, however, he gets a good look of the place, but that’s not where his focus goes.

Through the backdoor, from the garage, Gordon walks in. Sirius had told James with glee that from the investigation he’d done Gordon had not yet found a replacement for him, which means that there are shifts he now mans the shop all by himself. A crucial factor their prank hinges on and the reason they didn’t wait another day to enact it.

Gordon wears something that is probably supposed to resemble a friendly smile, but even that attempt disappears as soon as he spots Sirius. “What are you doing here, boy?” he sneers at him.

Sirius smiles unperturbed, but James can see the way his muscles tense, an intrinsic response to the tone and form of address. Remus automatically reaches out to place a soothing hand on his lower back, into which Sirius melts a little.

“I need to purchase parts for my boyfriend’s car,” Sirius says, giving a slight nod towards Remus. Gordon gives a disgusted look at Remus, noting the way the two men are standing close together. With all the people he interacts with being either wizards, queer, or both, James had forgotten that there are actually people in the world who are homophobic. It’s a bitter reminder and it makes him even more glad that Sirius no longer works here. “I know your parts are really high quality, so I thought I’d come here to buy something.”

“Don’t think cosying up to me will make me rehire you,” Gordon says.

“This is not very good customer service,” says Remus now. “We need to purchase a – what did you say it was called, darling?”

“Timing belt,” Sirius says. “Do you have one for us?”

Gordon huffs. “Of course I do.” He goes towards one of the shelves close to where James is waiting, locating the part easily. Before he can reach out to it, however, Remus gives a shriek so convincingly that even James startles and looks over to him. “There’s a rat!”

“Oh my god, it’s huge!” Sirius plays along.

“What, where?” Gordon asks, searching the floor until he spots Wormtail scurrying along in plain sight, distracting Gordon while James quickly grabs the three cardboard boxes containing cogged belts and places them at the very bottom of the same shelf. “Don’t be ridiculous, it’s not big at all,” Gordon huffs and turns around to the shelf, reaching out to where seconds before the requested parts had been. When he finds the shelf empty he looks confused, staring blankly at the spot. “They were here a second ago,” he mutters.

“You always kept the belts at the very lowest shelf,” Sirius gives the helpful information.

“I did not,” Gordon disagrees, but James watches him as he looks down anyway, spotting the belts and frowning. As he bends down Remus says, “You can’t be so dismissive of the rat! This is a shop, you shouldn’t just ignore rats in your shop!”

“Sissy faggot,” Gordon mutters and James would quite like to punch him in the face. Louder he says, turning around to face Remus again, “This is an open car shop, I can’t stop rats and other disgusting creatures from walking in here.”

It’s clear he is talking about Sirius and Remus, and James would really have punched Gordon then, his hand already a fist, only Wormtail is faster. The rat speeds forward, ignoring Sirius’ choked off noise of warning, climbs a few inches up Gordon’s leg and bites into his calf. Gordon lets out a painful howl and kicks his leg out until Wormtail lets go, running off to hide underneath a shelf.

James reminds himself that he has a job in this prank and sadly it does not involve inflicting physical harm on Gordon. Quickly he removes the boxes again, keeping them under his cloak this time.

“I told you it’s a big rat,” Sirius says with no remorse in his voice. “Maybe you should keep your doors closed.”

Gordon doesn’t reply at all. He rubs his leg with a wince, then leans down in order to retrieve a timing belt from the lowest shelf. “Where are these bloody belts!” he snaps with frustration.

“Do you not have any after all?” asks Remus innocently. “Do we need to go to a different shop?”

“I have them, they were here a moment ago.”

“Well, they can’t just disappear now, can they?” Sirius mocks. “Here, let me see.”

“If I can’t find them you sure as hell won’t find them either, boy,” Gordon grinds out.

Sirius ignores him and pushes himself between Gordon and the shelf. James quickly pushes the boxes back into their place, making sure Gordon can’t see them appear in the shelf out of thin air.

“Where were you looking? They’re right here, three of them,” Sirius says with fake confusion in his voice, straightening up again with one box in his hand.

“What–” Gordon roughly pushes Sirius aside and looks at the bottom shelf. He looks almost distraught at the reappearance. “I don’t understand.”

“Maybe you should consider getting glasses,” Sirius suggests happily.

“I’m not crazy,” Gordon says angrily.

“I never said you were,” Sirius replies. “Can I buy this now?”

Gordon glares at Sirius, but takes the belt from him and goes back to the till to scan it in. “That’ll be–”

“The rat is biting through your power cables!” Remus interrupts him with a scandalised shout. Gordon follows his stretched-out finger down to where Wormtail is sitting peacefully next to the desk, sniffing one of the cables taped to the floor.

“Get away, vermin!” Gordon stomps over to Wormtail, threatening to kick him, but Wormtail is faster, disappearing yet again. Gordon pulls at his remaining hair in agitation, then turns back to the till. Where the timing belt is no longer resting.

“You stole it!”

“I haven’t,” Sirius promises, lifting his hands to show they’re empty. His crop top and tight trousers also show no trace of a not all that small, hidden box. “I was watching the rat!”

Gordon turns his glare on Remus, but Remus is standing far away to not have been able to touch the box at all. Gordon seems to begrudgingly come to the same realisation and checks the till, then the surrounding floor again. When he comes up with nothing, he stalks back to the shelf to retrieve a new timing belt. And finds all of the rest of them missing as well.

Underneath his cloak James is cradling three boxes, a spiteful smirk on his face as Gordon checks, and checks again.

“Maybe you’re haunted,” Sirius suggests.

“Maybe it was the rat,” Remus offers another reasoning.

“I will check the cameras,” Gordon promises darkly, “and if I see you stole more of my things I will call the police this time. You won’t get away with it as easily as last time, boy!”

“It wasn’t me,” Sirius asserts. “Good luck figuring this out, though. I hope you’ve not upset your shop ghost too much, I hear they can get real evil when you’re a dick.”

“Come on darling,” Remus says, taking Sirius’ hand, “we’ll get the part at a sensible shop.” Over his shoulder he gives a glare cold enough James is surprised it doesn’t put a Full-Body Bind Curse on Gordon, then pulls his boyfriend out of the shop, holding the door open long enough that Wormtail and James, after hastily putting back the boxes in their original place, can follow suit.

Once they’re back in Sirius’ car and have driven away, James pulls the cloak off himself and Wormtail transforms back into a human.

“I hate him,” is the first thing Peter says when he regains the ability to speak. “I didn’t know he was that bad.”

“I hope he checks the cameras and absolutely loses his mind over things disappearing.”

“I hope his friends, if he even has those, call him a conspiracy theorist for it and distance themselves from him.”

“I hope he dies,” Remus supplies, reaching over the middle console to place his hand on Sirius’ thigh and squeeze gently. James understands the sentiment, and still has to look away from the movement. He doesn’t think jealousy over his friends’ relationship quite suits him.

At the next red light Sirius leans over and gives his boyfriend a quick peck on the lips. “This is good enough for now,” he promises. “I’ll never have to see him again, but he will hopefully think about me and our last interaction for the rest of his miserable life.”

It’s really quite pathetic how that sentence forces Regulus right back into James’ mind. He’d been doing so great, not thinking about him all throughout the past hour, too focussed on pranking and the nostalgia of it all. But this sentence... James doesn’t even want to voice the thought silently, in his mind, but if Gordon follows Sirius’ hopes, then James will very much have to relate to him.

Notes:

spoilery warnings for this chapter

there is an article that comes out about reg and his past relationship with james. it paints him in an awful picture, was done without his consent or knowledge, and includes a photo of him that was taken also without his consent and knowledge. reg has a panic attack because of it and throws up, and later feels like he deserves people talking about him badly because he blames himself for the article having been published, even though it is not his fault.

the homophobia/slurs are directed at wolfstar from sirius' old boss. sirius does get revenge on him, so it doesnt affect the characters too much

i edited this chapter with a migraine so reading that first sentence of this chapter made me snort. bit ironic :') but yeah so good chance this is not my best editing work, im sorry

paid actors red shirt and gryffindor jumper got fired :(( tragedy :(
writing tabloid articles is a lot less difficult than serious news articles because you can just be dramatic and ridiculous but i still very much not enjoy it. probably didnt hate it quite as much as james and reg did reading it tho...
i thought so so long about if i should keep that prank at the end in. like i knew they were going to prank gordon cause i very much hate that wanker and sirius deserves some closure, but it still feels a little like a very harsh break from the actual story? like its pretty irrelevant to the jegulus development so it feels a bit misplaced here. but also i feel like you all deserve a little break from sads with just a bit of innocent marauder schemeing so here we are
now i know james and reg have still not fixed things, havent even talked in a while. im really sorry. i hope you can still bear with it. if we go back to that rubiks cube analogy - we are probably halfway through a g-perm. things look awful, i know, but sometimes you have to break things further to be able to fix them. if i get jegulus back together before i adress all of the things that are in their way their entire relationship will be incredibly instable so. suffer they must, and you must too. i am truly sorry

now to lighten the mood a little more, the wonderful firstfluke made art for this fic!! its the scene when james first started crushing on reg <33 i linked to it in the end notes of the first chapter, when it gets mentioned, and yall should look at it cause thats what i keep doing

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