Chapter Text
Yukito has already fallen asleep, but Touya still lays awake, staring at the ceiling as his boyfriend snuggles into his side. He’s been trying to fall asleep, but still hasn’t been successful.
Recently, he’s had to start facing some uncomfortable truths about his past and the present against his will. He still can’t quite come to terms with what’s been happening. He doesn’t get how he can so clearly understand how something like that is wrong when it happens to somebody else, and yet, when it comes to himself… it just feels different, somehow.
He used to be able to tell himself that it was fine, that it had no effect on him, much less any negative impact, but it’s becoming impossible to deny now that it does, in fact, still affect him in some way.
When he ran into Akiho and Kaito in that store, he saw red. He was the only one there who knew, the only one who could see that man for what he really was: no more than a sick individual with a penchant for manipulating children for his own personal gain. He was trying to keep his composure, really, he was, but maybe there had been some merit to what that man said to him. Maybe he was taking out his feelings about his own experience on him too, which, in the end, only made everyone else suffer more.
Touya squeezes his eyes shut in frustration and tries fruitlessly to fall asleep again. However, he opens them when he feels the presence of something else enter the room. He sits up sees the ghost of his mother near the edge of the bed.
“Mom?” he asks tiredly. He’s honestly surprised she came there to see him.
She silently moves closer to him.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. He’s not sure what he’s apologizing for, if it’s because he abandoned his dad and the image of a perfect happy family, or because he spent so long convinced that her situation wasn’t bad and that his dad had done nothing wrong to her.
She shakes her head. “Touya…”
Touya looks down at his hands and slumps his shoulders. “I…”
“I’m the one who needs to apologize to you,” Nadeshiko says. “In the end, I contributed to your pain. Because I told you my situation was fine, you grew up believing it, and you got hurt in the process. I failed to protect you.”
“I can’t blame you for that,” he responds, looking up at her. “You didn’t know either. You were still just a teenager yourself when it all started. You were… you were a victim too.”
“I still regret it. I always will.”
“When did you realize? Did… did you ever realize what was going on when you were still alive? Did you ever consider leaving?”
She sighs. “Well, it might have briefly crossed my mind once when I was alive,” she admits. “I was around twenty, I think—but I was particularly unwell at the time, so it was never much more than a passing thought, and I never said anything to him about it in the end. I would have been too weak to take care of myself properly on my own, much less myself in addition to such a small child.”
“Right,” Touya mutters. Of course, she’s referring to him, and he’s all too aware of it.
“I didn’t have anyone else who could help me out anyways,” she continues. “My family hadn’t talked to me in years at that point, and I didn’t think I could reach back out to them. It wasn’t money I was worried about, because I could still do my modeling gigs, but like I said, I was concerned about my health, and the possibility of it becoming an obstacle in taking care of you. But your father, he was so good with you, and he made sure both of us were always taken care of, so I told myself that I was overthinking it. Eventually, I was able to put it out of my mind, and things continued as usual.”
“So you couldn’t leave because of me, at least partially,” Touya says.
She shakes her head and hovers a hand over his shoulder, though he can’t feel it.
“There was something else I’ve been thinking about recently,” he continues. “I mean, I knew you were still a teenager when I was born, but I never thought about it much until now. Was that the reason you got married to Dad so quickly?”
Nadeshiko looks down, a little guiltily. “That is… yes,” she admits. “The—our relationship started very quickly after we met. He would hold me after class often, and approached me with the idea just a week or two in. I… Well, I was a naïve teenager, enamored with an older man I had just met, who was very persistent in giving me attention in a way I hadn’t really gotten before. I think initially he wanted to keep it more quiet, but then I got pregnant, only a couple months into the school year.
“I knew my life expectancy wasn’t going to be very long, and I had always wanted to have a family and kids of my own. I didn’t know if I would ever have another chance. So, I convinced him to make it official, to move in together and get married, so we could raise the baby together. My grandfather was upset, like I feared he would be, but I simply couldn’t see his side. Regardless, it hurt immensely when he cut me off. I can understand the anger now, but the way he responded just ended up driving me further into your father’s arms. He was the only one on my side, so it seemed, and I thought it was because he truly loved me. I didn’t see that his only other option would have been to vilify himself. And I continued to believe it was a good thing for a very long time, because it gave me my beautiful children, and how could something that gave me something so wonderful possibly be bad?”
Touya silently wipes his eyes. “Mom…”
She moves to wipe his tears for him. It doesn’t actually do anything, since she’s a ghost, but the gesture isn’t lost on him. “But now, I have to make myself face the facts, to accept that it wasn’t everything it seemed. Because the very same relationship that granted me my beautiful children is the reason you’re hurting, and I can’t forgive myself for that.”
“Are you still going to visit Dad?” Touya asks quietly.
He can’t even blame her if she does want to. She’s spent so long being tied to him, he’d understand if she couldn’t bring herself to let go, even though she seems to finally be starting to understand what the relationship did to her.
She shakes her head. “I don’t think I will. I haven’t been back there since a little before you left, and I don’t want to go back now. Part of me is tempted, still, to go back one last time and explain why I’m leaving, because he doesn’t seem to truly understand what he’s done wrong, even now. But I’m not going to do something for his benefit that will end up hurting me, not anymore. I’ve done enough of that for far too long. If he ever figures it out, he can do it on his own.”
“I’m sure you know this by now,” Touya starts, looking down at his hands, “but it was because of you, because of him, really, that I never said anything about Kaho and I. Well, I also excused it with the fact we were attracted to each other’s magic, but I pushed back any doubts about it because, as far as I knew, being in a relationship with my teacher didn’t necessarily mean it was going to have a negative impact on me. And of course, she would always tell me it was fine, too. But, more than anything, I didn’t want it to come out, because I knew that part of your story, too. I was so scared of somehow tearing apart the family. I thought that Sakura already went through enough having to lose you at such a young age, and I didn’t want to cause any more upset, but I guess I failed in the end. I mean, look at where we are now. We moved out, and I’ve only talked to Dad once since, and it wasn’t because I wanted to.”
“It’s not your fault,” Nadeshiko tells him. “You didn’t break apart the family. You didn’t make it into this, you’re just the one who saw it for what it was. I know you tried your hardest. You two feel safer here, and that’s what matters the most to me. It couldn’t go on like that forever, and I think we probably both knew that deep down.”
Touya looks away from her. He knows that too, but he’s still not quite ready to admit it, because he so badly wanted to continue to pretend like nothing was wrong before everything came to a head, and he more or less ran away.
“Please, Touya, look at me,” she says, and he does. “I know I may not have the right to say this, considering how much of your pain has ultimately stemmed from my actions, but I am so, so proud of the young man you’ve grown into. You were able to stand up for yourself and your sister in a way that I was never able to. I’m sorry that I can’t be there with you physically. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to be there for you when you needed guidance the most, and, most of all, I’m sorry that I set a bad example for you, and set you up for failure.”
“I said it earlier, too, but I could never blame you for what happened. You were hurt just as much. I forgive you, Mom.”
“I wish I could hug you right now,” she whispers sadly.
He leans forward, allowing her to wrap her arms around him. Though the proximity to her spirit makes the air around him cold, and though he can’t truly feel the embrace itself, he feels warm inside.
Admittedly, he had started to cry a bit earlier, but he lets the tears really fall now. He’d be more resistant to it if anyone else were awake, but Yukito is still soundly asleep. It’s just him and his mother, talking about their shared experiences with something truly awful.
“I’ll still check in with you, though,” she says. She moves back and looks at him again. “Take care of them for me, okay? Sakura-chan, and Akiho-chan, too. Her mother was a dear friend of mine. And don’t forget to take care of yourself, too.”
“I’ll do my best,” he replies.