these ugly, wonderful things

by pid_widgin

Summary:

An hour ago.

An hour ago Remus had a stomach ache.

An hour ago Sirius was still asleep on the couch.

An hour ago the world had one less person in it.

Chapter 1: and i fall when you leave

Summary:

"What's wrong?" He asks, immediately coming to Remus's side.

Remus jumps, his head lifting as he turns blood shot eyes on Sirius in a startle.

"I don't know-" He groans out, his eyes closing as he lets his head rest agaisnt his arms again, "It just fucking hurts."

"Where?" He reaches out and rubs his hand down Remus's back, the muscles tight under his touch.

"My back, my stomach-" His voice cracks, strains, and then he manages to gasp out "fucking everywhere" before he's dragged back down into the abyss.

Notes:

content and trigger warnings for this chapter:

-vomiting
-sickness
-blood/gore
-a very descriptive, very graphic depiction of childbirth
-panic attack
-general triggering behavior from both Sirius and Remus, particularly during and the moments after the birth.

 

tread lightly my loves, and if I've missed anything in the tags or warning feel free to shoot me a message and let me know.

So tell me when my sigh's over

You're the reason why I'm closed

Tell me when you hear me fallin'

There's a possibility it wouldn't show

---

There are several things you don't ever say when you're working the third shift in the ER on Christmas Eve- Eve. There are several words you don't say when working the third shift in the ER period, but really, you shouldn't say anything like quiet or calm or peaceful. It just ruins the night, because the second those words are uttered into existence the whole shift will go to shit.

And Sirius doesn't know who the hell said it, but when he slinks his way into his apartment at a quarter to eight on Christmas Eve, he's cursing every single person on the shift last night. 

He knows he looks like a mess, hair falling from the already sloppy bun he'd piled it into at six o'clock the previous night, and his scrubs are stiff behind the knees and in the shoulders because they're hospital ones, and then he curses because he remembers his own pair that he had worn for maybe three hours were in a trash bag in his car, covered in vomit and stinking up the whole interior.

He left his shoes outside because they had piss on them, and probably also blood, and he doesn't care for being barefoot in the house but if he doesn't get out of his socks right this second he may just have a mental breakdown over them. 

But then he strips down into his undershirt and his boxer briefs, and looks up and sees Remus, and everything is momentarily forgotten. 

That's happened a lot lately, the soft feeling of peace that comes from seeing his roommate, and if he's being honest with anyone, it's accompanied by a weird feeling in his chest and causes the butterflies that had taken up residence in his stomach to start fluttering.

They've been there since Remus had moved in, almost two years ago now, and have only gotten progressively worse as time has gone on, and it's not a problem. 

Not really.

It's just... inconvenient.

Because about a year ago they started this whole thing, where Sirius gets frustrated with med school and wants to quit and doesn't sleep, and then they fuck and suddenly he's the most level-headed person in the world.

Or Remus will be fretting over deadlines and discussion boards and Canvas assignments and Sirius will sit his ass on the counter and eat his pussy until he doesn't even know why he was worried about it in the first place. 

It works for them, the whole fucking about it thing. 

Saves them the time (not that Sirius has any) or effort (not that Remus would make any) into finding a fuck buddy and working around each other's schedules. Sirius is now on overnights at Mercy West, and Remus is two years into his Master's degree, and honestly, the idea of having to go out in any of the very limited free time he does has makes Sirius want to jump off a bridge.

And also honestly, the idea of Remus finding someone else to fuck makes Sirius's skin itch, so there's that.

It's not like he couldn't, because he could if he wanted.

He really could, and Sirius was kind of surprised that he hadn't, but whatever.

So they fuck on occasion, and the sight of Remus makes Sirius want to throw up and jump off a cliff and tell him that he's the most beautiful, incredible person he's ever met, and it's fine.

Does Sirius want more?

Yes.

Is he dreading the moment that Remus wakes up and realizes that Sirius is kind of a mess and doesn't know what he's doing with his life?

Also yes.

Has Sirius done anything to solidify his place in Remus's life besides as a fuck buddy?

Absolutely not.

But right now it doesn't matter, because he's exhausted, and Remus is curled up on the couch in a blanket his mom had knitted last Christmas as a gift for Sirius, and he's so adorable, and they have a fucking Christmas party at his bitch ass brothers house in like five hours, and all Sirius wants to do is sleep.

"How was work?" Remus asks as soon as Sirius appears in his line of sight, shifting over a bit so he can flop down on the couch beside him.

"So. Long." He groaned out, tossing an arm over his eyes, "Why is it that Christmas seems to bring out the worst in people? I swear, the amount of burns and stabbings I saw tonight had to have been a record."

Remus hummed, leaning over to rest his head on Sirius's shoulder.

"At least you're off tonight and get to miss out on all the deep frying accidents and children hurt by toys that are way too old for them."

"Mhm," Sirius sighs, resting his head on top of Remus's head, breathing in the familiar smell of black raspberry and old books, "Which reminds me, did we-"

"We went with the mess-free art kit for Harry, yes. No batteries, no toxic paint, no moving parts for him to smash his fingers in." Remus answers before he can finish the thought, checking the points he's made off on an imaginary list in the air. 

Oh yeah, they give joint gifts, which is a totally normal thing for roommates to do.

"You're the best," He says through a yawn, hand coming up to stroke fingers through the soft curls on Remus's head before he can stop himself.

Remus shifts beside him, sitting up a bit before Sirius jerks his hand away and puts it over his face. He's hiding the sharp spark of embarrassment that flushes his cheeks, annoyed with himself for treading that fine line a bit too closely.

That's another thing that keeps Sirius from taking the dive and telling Remus how he feels. There's a very clear divide between when Remus wants affection and when he is just being friendly. It's hard to tell the difference, and he's always playing a guessing game about whether Remus wants something or not.

But the thought of embarrassing himself further by saying something about it is cut off when Remus sits up even straighter and grimaces. His hand falls to his lower stomach, cupping it through the fabric of his shirt, and his brows furrow.

His face screwed tighter and tighter, his cheeks blushing a deep red, and Sirius was about to remind him to take a breath when it finally let go and whatever was happening just stops.

"You okay?" He asks, a hand hovering in the air over Remus's shoulder.

He takes a minute to answer, his breathing coming in soft, short bursts before he groans and tips his head back against the couch.

"I don't know," Remus sighs, "My stomach is just... upset I guess, I don't know."

There's a pause, and then Remus sighs again and brings his legs up to tuck under himself.

"I started my... cycle this morning."

"Oof, that sucks."

Sirius says it before he can stop himself, freezing in place before casting a peek at Remus out of the corner of his eye. He doesn't visibly recoil, but his lips pull thin for a moment before he puffs out his cheeks and shakes his head.

His hand doesn't move from his stomach.

"Is it bad?"

Remus shakes his head after a moment, "No. I guess because it's been like... ten months now since I've had one, my body had to remind me that it's still capable of doing this."

He feels like an absolute jackass for asking.

"Should we skip the party?"

Remus turns a bewildered look on Sirius, eyebrows furrowed and mouth agape like it's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard.

"And ensue Regulus's wrath? I think the fuck not."

Then he stood up, stretching his lanky limbs and unfurling from his wilted form.

"I am gonna go lay down for a bit though, give the Tylenol I took before you got in time to work. You should do the same, you look like shit."

Sirius snorted, rolling his eyes as he flopped down into the previously occupied spot on the couch and stretched out.

"Please, you think I'm hot."

There he goes again, treading that thin line.

"Fuck off." Remus's retreating form calls from further down the hallway, but there's a hint of amusement in his voice, and that's enough for now.

---

Sirius wakes up some undetermined amount of time later, the dim afternoon light streaming through a crack in the black-out curtains that Remus had bought back when Sirius had started the night shift.

He lays still in the dark for a moment longer, debating on just rolling over and going back to sleep, when a resonating sound hits him.

A sound he's become rather acquainted with since beginning his career as a doctor: vomiting.

And despite hearing it nearly every single shift he's worked in the last few months, he still cringes inward at the sound. It makes his stomach roil, and his mouth starts to water as if he's the one who's going to throw up.

But he still manages to push himself up into a sitting position as the sound comes again, echoing through the small apartment. Sirius is still blinking sleep from his eyes as he stumbles away from the couch, grabbing one of Remus's sweaters that had been tossed over the back of an armchair because the apartment is fucking freezing now, and makes his way up the hall.

They share a bathroom, its right in between their bedrooms. That's actually where their whole friends with benefits thing started, in the shared bathroom after a night of too much drinking and spiraling on Sirius's end.

Remus is curled over the toilet, arms folded and head resting on his forearms. He's sweaty, clear lines on his back and underarms darker on his shirt than the dry parts of it. He looks absolutely pitiful as he chokes on his breath, leaning forward to spit into the bowl before flushing.

"What's wrong?" He asks, lingering in the doorway as he debates on if he should go to Remus's side or not.

Remus jumps, his head lifting as he turns bloodshot eyes on Sirius in a startle. He heaves a few more breaths, his shoulders and arms shaking as he tries to catch his breath.

"I don't know-" He groans out, his eyes closing as he lets his head rest against his arms again, "It just fucking hurts."

And thats enough to have Sirius pushing away from the doorframe, his steps echoing over the tiled floor as he comes to crouch beside Remus, whose still clutching the toilet for dear life. 

"Where?" He reaches out and rubs his hand down Remus's back, the muscles tight under his touch.

"My back, my stomach-" His voice cracks, strains, and then he manages to gasp out "fucking everywhere" before he's dragged back down into the abyss.

And then all that medical training comes into effect as Sirius starts diagnosing Remus in his head.

Kidney stone?

Appendix?

Stomach bug?

A cyst?

He's on his period, but honestly if he's in this much pain that's probably not the cause of it.

Did Remus see his GYN regularly now that he was on T? The answer is probably not, even Sirius knows this.

But he doesn't have a clue what's going on, and the gross curiosity and need to use the skills he does have wins out as he tugs at Remus's shoulder, trying to get him to uncurl.

"Come on, let go of the toilet and let me check you out."

"No-" Remus groans, hanging on tighter as he screws his eyes shut, "Thank you. I'm fine."

Sirius scoffs, shaking his head.

Remus was most certainly not fine.

"Remus," Sirius sighed, shaking his head as he pulled back from the other man, "I literally work at an ER in New York City, there's nothing you have going on I haven't already seen."

Actually, there are several things that could be happening that Sirius hasn't seen yet, but he's not going to mention that right now.

Doesn't get a chance too, anyway, because three things happen in rapid fire succession. 

Remus starts retching again, and then there's the splash of liquid hitting the bowl, and then suddenly he jerks upright and throws his hand down between his legs.

"Sirius, please get out," He chokes out, coughing and gagging and gasping for air, "Like right now."

"What?" He asks, and then looks down to where Remus's hands are and mutters a quiet little, "Oh."

The grey fabric of his sweat pants are darkening, a wet stain spreading across the crotch and down the inside seams of the legs. Sirius looks for just a moment before looking back up at Remus, whose shoulders are tense and drawn.

"Hey, that's okay," Sirius says softly, moving slowly to rub a hand up Remus's back, "You're sick, can't help it."

And surprisingly enough Remus let's him rub between his shoulder blades. Let's him pacify him for just a moment longer before he shakes his head and drops his hands, leaning back in his hips away from the toilet.

"Thanks, um- fuck, okay. I think... I think you should go to Regulus's party alone. I'm gonna stay here, ride it out."

Regulus's party is the last thing on Sirius's mind, but it still stings a little that Remus thinks that Sirius is just going to leave him to pacify his brother.

"Fuck that, I'm staying here too."

Remus is quiet for a moment, chest heaving as he catches his breath and brings his hands to rest on his knees.

"Regulus will be mad."

Sirius snorts.

"Fuck Regulus."

"Effie and Monty are coming."

And that ones a bit tougher to beat, and for a second he's rather annoyed with Remus for bringing his adoptive parents into it.

But he's not backing down.

"We have dinner with Effie and Monty every Sunday, Rems," He sighs, scrubbing a hand down his face before surrendering, "If you want me to leave the room that's fine, but if you think I'm gonna leave you alone in the apartment while you're sick as a dog, you've lost your mind."

Remus opens mouth to reply- or, realistically, argue, but Sirius cuts him off with his finishing remarks.

"Besides, if you've got a bug I'll probably have it next, and I don't want to take it over there so I can hear Regulus complain that I got Harry sick for Christmas."

And there's no arguing with that, the idea of having been the one who got Regulus's child sick is enough to shut Remus up.

"Fine." Remus concedes, turning his head to look over his shoulder, "Can you turn on the shower?"

---

Things take a rather dramatic turn for the worst about ten minutes later, after Sirius manages to get Remus to let go of the toilet and upright. He all but manhandles him into the shower, stripping his clothes away after they've been soaked through and ladened down with water.

Remus is a bit wobbly on his feet, swaying softly until he catches himself against the wall of the cubicle and leans his forehead against it, but he's stopped making those clipped noises of pain so Sirius takes this opportunity to fix Remus's bed up for when he inevitably ends up back in it. 

Tidies up the pillows, then actually makes the bed before gathering up the clothing on the floor and heading down the hallway toward the laundry room.

Tosses it all in, even the sopping wet clothes from the shower, and then starts a load. 

Moves back toward the bathroom, stopping first into his own room to grab his phone and laptop, the latter of which ended up on what he had deemed his side of the bed when they ended up falling asleep together after a stress relief session.

He's gone a total of three minutes, if that, but realizes as he enters the bathroom again that those three minutes were too long to leave Remus alone, because he'd ended up getting out of the shower and was slumped over the sink with only his sweatpants on, rocking his hips back and forth as he doubled over with his arms wrapped tight around his waist.

"Hey," Sirius is beside him in an instant, a hand coming up to grip Remus's arm, "What's up?"

Remus cracks his eyes open,  trying to straighten up as best he can while still grinding his teeth together and swaying like he'll go down at any second. 

"Something- somethings wrong," He groans out, puffing air through pursed lips, "I think, fuck- I think I'm dying."

"You're not dying."

And okay, Sirius doesn't actually know that Remus isn't dying. He's not equipped to know, doesn't know what he's supposed to do right now, and suddenly Sirius knows why you're not allowed to treat your family members at the hospital.

Sirius is a resident doctor at a prominent hospital in New York City, and is absolutely panicking because it's Remus.

It wouldnt be so bad, maybe, if it were any one else, but it's fucking Remus and he can't die because Sirius hasn't gotten the guts to tell him about his feelings.

"It hurts so bad." Remus growls out, groaning as he leans back over the sink, fingers clawing into the soft skin of his upper arms as he doubles back over.

"Where?"

"Down... down there."

Maybe Sirius was right, maybe Remus really did have a cyst. Or a kidney stone, that made sense. As painful as childbirth, that's what he'd heard.

"I'm gonna check you out, okay?"

Because what else is he supposed to do? Let Remus sit here and suffer?

And something is definitely wrong because Remus doesn't stop him, just let's himself be maneuvered into some kind of wide legged stance that leaves him clutching onto the lip of the counter, his head bowed and his shoulders rigid as Sirius moves him as needed. 

"Oh my god, this is awful."

Sirius chuckles, but it's not really funny. It's more soothing, something to calm his nerves and Remus's as he scrubs his hands in the sink then returns to his post behind Remus.

"It's fine-"

"Its not fucking fine, its embarrassing, and it fucking hurts!" Remus snaps back, and it's so uncharacteristic of him that Sirius starles a bit.

It must be bad if Remus is saying something about it, because Remus never says anything about, well, anything. Doesn't complain, doesn't grosse, would rather suffer in silence than think he's inconveniencing someone. 

"Remus," He hums once he gets his bearings, catching his eye and holding his attention gently, "It's okay. Seriously, it's fine. You're sick, and I know you aren't going to let me take you to the hospital, so let me just..."

He drops to his knees much less gracefully than any other time he's been on his knees infront of Remus, but this isn't like any of those times.

There's a sense of urgency here, not like their usual languid, careful ministrations that they normally partake in. 

He knows, more likely than not, that one way or another Remus is going to the hospital. He just needs to see how severe it is, and how much it's going to take to convince Remus to go, and then to see if he needs to call an ambulance or if driving is an option.

Remus groaned, pushing weakly at the waistband of his pants and gritting his teeth again, his breath coming in sharp, sporadic bursts.

"Hang on, just-" Sirius grapples with the waistband, tugging them down to his knees before- "Oh- holy fuck."

"What?" Remus snaps his head, looking down at him in absolute panic.

And to be fair, Sirius is also panicking now.

Because things do not look like they... should.

Not in the way Sirius rather intimately knows them to look, and he knows exactly whats happening, and at the same time can't stop the thought that theres no fucking way he's seeing what he thinks hes seeing.

"Sirius!" Remus is proper panicking now, his legs shaking like they'll give out if he tries to move any more, "What's happening?"

He gulps, aking one last peek to make sure he's not hallucinating, and then sits back on his knees and looks up at Remus.

"I think... I think you're having a baby."

There's a moment where nobody moves, doesn't dare breathe. It's perfectly still, like the moment will shatter like glass if anything changes.

Sirius watches as several emotions work their way across Remus's face, settling on a deep look of terror that he's never seen before.

"Are you fucking insane?" Remus croaks, spinning around against the sink as best as he can with his pants around his ankles.

Theres no chance for an answer though, because all of sudden the crashing weight of the situation hits like a ton of bricks, and Remus sinks down against the ground; wilting like a flower as he crumples, legs splayed and shaking as he gasps for air.

There's blood on the floor, smeared against the cool tiles and staining them pink as Remus turns his terrified gaze on Sirius. 

Sirius, whose frozen in place just watching in wide eyed fear as Remus is bleeding on the floor.

He doesn't know what to do, which is not good considering he's a literal doctor.

What do you do in an emergency?

If this was the hospital he'd press that big red button on the wall, and then all the nurses and the techs and the people who knew what the hell they're doing would come in and save the day.

But there's no big red button in their shared bathroom thats going to bring help, and it wouldnt mattered if it would have because Remus is suddenly gasping again, those low, lingering sounds he made earlier, and Sirius is rapidly jolted back in to reality.

Call an ambulance, that's what you're supposed to do.

His body isn't listening though, and he ends up half crawling, half scrambling to grab his phone from where it had been discarded on the top of the laundry hamper when he'd first entered the room.

Doesn't have to unlock it, the big red button has finally appeared for him in the form of the Emergency Services button on his lock screen.

They pick up at the very moment Remus's eyes shoot open, a look of absolute shock crossing his face as he dug his heels into the floor.

"911, ambulance, fire, or police?"

"Ambulance, please, fuck-" He swears as Remus tenses again, his face a ghastly shade of purple as he shakes his head furiously.

"What's the nature of your emergency?

"My roommate is having a baby!"

He doesn't mean to shout, he really doesn't. But he can't do anything else, because suddenly every single doubt in his mind flies out the window when Remus let's out a whimper, then a loud cry and tosses his hand blindly down between his legs, knees clamping closed and holding his hand in place.

"Moons, you can't do that," Sirius says, dropping down beside him and pushing at his knees, "Come on, we have to-"

But Remus certainly can't hear him, not over his own ragged gasps that seem to be the only way he can get air into his lungs. He's red faced and bleary eyed, his gaze unfocused as he stares down his trembling body to where his hand disappeared between his knees.

Then he throws his head back and howls, an animalistic scream that raises every hair on Sirius's body as Remus's body curls around itself, teeth gritted and eyes squeezed shut. His face goes from red to almost purple, arms and legs shaking in effort.

"Moony, I have to see what's happening-" He's prying at Remus's knees now, a level of panic he'd never thought he'd reach swarming in his line of vision.

He needed to see what was happening, but Remus is kicking at him, writhing and fighting to get away from him, and Sirius can see his body trying to force nature to takes it course, but Remus is fighting tooth and nail to stop it.

"Remus, open your fucking legs!"

Then Sirius is wrenching them apart, and this is wrong. It feels so wrong, and the thought that this is probably going to be brought up later crosses his mind as he manages to half wrestle him into some sort of position where he can't close his legs around the baby, but at this point it's going to have to go on the back burner.

Too intimate for them, too physical for Sirius to be doing to Remus, but all the panic has caused his brain to operate entirely on its own and there's only one focus now: getting the baby out.

"Sirius-" Remus is sobbing, his face red and ruddy and tears and snot are covering his cheeks and Sirius heart is absolutely breaking for him because he looks so scared.

"Are you having a contraction?"

"I don't fucking know!" Remus yelled back, his teeth clenched and his nails digging into Sirius's thighs, "I don't know what the fuck is happening but it hurts!"

The 9-1-1 operator is speaking, yelling, at them, and no one is answering him, and then suddenly Remus's legs jerk in his hold and more of the baby is visible. 

It's got hair, black from the look of it, but there's so much blood and fluid Sirius can't really be sure, and Remus is yelling at him again, and he doesn't know what to do.

Hasn't been trained for this, really wishes Regulus, of all people, was here because he's the one who actually did an OB rotation already.

Remus throws his head back so hard it cracks against the vanity, and then because he doesn't know what else to do, Sirius moves.

Shoves his way up, almost slipping on the wet floor, and then manages to snake his way in between Remus and the cabinet. 

"It's okay, you're okay,"

He doesn't know that, but that seems like the right thing to say as he twists and manipulates Remus into his lap. Settles him against his chest and uses his legs to hook Remus's knees over his and keep them open. 

He can't really see what's happening now, but Remus isn't shaking quite as badly, and if he can just keep him calm for this part then he can deal with the aftermath when it gets here.

Time is moving differently, and his phone is lost somewhere in the shuffle, and maybe the paramedics will get here before the baby does and then it can be their problem.

Its looking less likely though, because theres only a few seconds between him repositioning them before Remus makes a wounded noise down deep in his throat, and then he curls in on himself again.

But as he's looking down Remus's body, his back pressed against him and his hands clawing at his thighs, Sirius notices something.

Just the slightest hint of a curve there, low betwen his hips. Like a trick of the light, or just the odd angle, but its there.

Barely, not enough that he'd noticed it any time he'd looked at Remus in the last few months, but, it's there.

He wonders if Remus has noticed it. Had wondered when the flat plane of his stomach had softened. Had questioned what was happening to his body.

Wonders why Remus never said anything if he did notice, but now is not the time for those thoughts.

"You have to push."

He doesn't know who said it, and then realizes he said it, and Remus is just shaking his head, sobbing and clawing desperately at the floor. 

"I am, Sirius, I fucking am!" 

He yells, and curses, and curls in on himself a few more times before suddenly he's scrambling in Sirius's hold and this time he can feel the exact moment when things change.

Deep and guttural sounds are ripping out of him, like every breath is painful. Remus is sucking in lungfuls of air through gritted teeth, then his body stills against Sirius's and Sirius quickly realizes what's happening.

"Fuck!" Remus throws his head back against his shoulder hard enough that it causes his collar bone to throb, but Sirius can't focus on it over the mind numbing scream that he lets out. 

Like the static in the air shifted, it starts clinging to them and sending little shocks through him as Sirius reaches down blindly to confirm what he thinks is happening.

He doesn't know what he's touching, but Sirius has to stop himself from jerking his hand away from whatever he finds. It's slimy, and for a moment he thinks he's going to throw up as he feels an unfamiliar weight filling his palm. 

This is not happening.

This is not happening.

This is not fucking happening, but then Remus groans and shifts against him again, curling up just a bit before letting out another scream.

The sound is loud and pained and scary and all the hairs are standing up on Sirius's arms as his hand is suddenly fuller, a heavy object sliding forward as Remus screams and screams and screams, and then goes limp against him.

"Its... It's head is out, I think-"

"- you think?!" Remus croaks back, his voice echoing in the room as he finally breaks the skin on Sirius's thighs, blood pooling up under the sharp sting of broken skin. 

He's not really sure, but there's definitely more of the head out then there was a moment ago, and Remus is making a sound that seems like that's what's happening, but he doesn't know.

"You're almost done, it's almost over-" He whispers, not sure if it's for Remus or himself to hear, but Remus just shakes his head and sobs.

But he must realize this is true because as the next pain comes Remus doubles down on his efforts, curling forward and staining deeply, and Sirius can feel something wider than the weight resting in his palm starts to push forward, and as rushed as this all feels, he knows this is too fast. 

"Slow down, slow down, you're gonna tear-"

The words fall on deaf ears as Remus curls up one last time, screaming and cursing and clawing desperately at anything he can get ahold of, and then Sirius feels the distinct shift in his hand as it comes forward rather quickly, skin giving way rapidly.

"Don't- don't let it hit the floor!" Remus gasps, and then Sirius dives forward and catches the baby as it tumbles free of Remus's body.

Its slick and wet, and warm, so fucking warm. Limp for a moment, covered in waxy stuff and blood and its blue and fuck its not breathing, why isnt it breathing-

And then it coughs.

Twitches in Sirius's hands, and then wails, and it's breathing.

"Oh my god." They say in unison, Remus's body going completely still agaisnt Sirius as he brings the baby up to rest on his lower stomach.

It squirms, wriggling and flinging it's limbs about, toes and fingers spread and stiff as it screamed,  and Sirius can once again hear the operator on the line talking to them, telling them something but he doesn't know what he's saying.

There's a baby. 

It's got dark hair and scrunched features, and a nose that Sirius has seen before, but can't place right now.

His ears are ringing, his vision blurring and sliding as he stares at the baby that was just born on their bathroom floor, and he's not sure what to do right now.

Remus is laughing hysterically, and the baby is crying, and there's fucking blood everywhere.

So much blood, there's no way that's normal, and Remus is still laughing but it's sounding less and less like a laugh.

"Rems..." He reaches out, tries to hand Remus the baby so he can see what's going on, "Remus, take the-"

"Don't fucking touch me!" 

Remus jerks in his grasp, suddenly no longer laughing but instead trying desperately to get away from the wailing baby that's still attached to him from a pulsing, purple cord.

Sirius nearly drops it in his attempt to give Remus some space, and then finally manages to use his foot to hook a towel and scoot it over.

"I have to..."

What's he supposed to do now?

What's the next step here?

"I have to cut the cord. Remus, I have to cut the cord, you have to hold the-"

"Stop touching me, please," Remus chokes out, and its not until that moment that Sirius realizes he's crying.

They're all crying, but Remus seems to be crying harder than even the baby. Curling in on himself, ugly broken sobs falling from his lips as he tries in vain to get away from whatever unseen monster he seems to think is there.

Okay. 

Okay.

This is fine.

Remus doesn't have to hold the baby.

Doesn't have to hold the baby he literally just gave birth too.

It's fine.

Sirius manages to wriggle his way free without dropping the baby somehow, and then winds up on his knees in a puddle of fluids he doesnt even want to start thinking about.

The baby is still wailing, and its pounding in his ears, but all the medical training he does have in this particular situation is telling him thats good. That if the baby is crying, its breathing, and if its breathing he can focus on the blood that's still steadily pooling out onto the floor under Remus.

He uses the towel to wipe down its face and body, careful of its flailing arms and legs, and then manages to pull himself into a crouch and snag the decorative towel off the rack without tugging the cord to hard.

Swaddles it loosely and sets it down against the seam of his leg, and then he looks up at Remus.

He's pale, and he's still crying.

His legs are still flopped open and hes not making any effort to cover up his lower body, leaving it exposed to the cold air. 

But the scarier thing is the vacant look in his eye.

Like he can't believe this is happening, and he hasn't once looked at the baby.

The baby that literally just came out of him.

Is still attached to him.

Remus won't look at it. 

Won't hold it, won't look at it, won't acknowledge that it's there, and that's scaring the shit out of Sirius.

"Remus," He says, and it comes out sharp and seems to startle him enough to turn blank eyes in his direction, "I have to cut the cord. I'm gonna go get some scissors. I'll be right back."

Don't move.

Don't do anything to the baby.

And he doesn't actually think that Remus would do something to it, but this isn't Remus.

Or, well, it is, but it's not the Remus he knows.

He gets up, ignoring the way his pants feel heavy from having soaked up the blood and ruin that's covering the bathroom, and then zips out the door. 

Makes it to the kitchen before the adrenaline starts to wear off and oh my fucking god, Remus just had a baby.

Sirius just delivered a baby, and its Remus's, and then there's the dawning realization that it might be his.

He might be a father, and they didn't even know, and Remus is just sitting in a puddle of his own blood in the bathroom with a baby he won't even look at, and when Sirius manages to pull a pair of scissors out of the junk drawer he realizes that his hands are covered in blood too.

Deep crimson, its so out of place against his skin, and then there's someone pounding on the door, and Sirius doesn't remember too much after that.

There's some blurs here and there.

The paramedics come in, and Sirius doesn't even have to tell them where to go before they turn and head toward the bathroom where the baby is still screaming bloody murder.

There's hands on him, guiding him backward until his back hits the wall and then he's being sat down on the ground.

They're asking him questions, and he can't answer them, and then someone is checking his pulse and trying to put an oxygen mask on him, but he's pushing it away.

He can breathe. 

He's been breathing.

"Remus, is he-"

"He's okay," The paramedic who is currently checking his blood pressure tells him, and it's a sick sort of relief when she follows up with, "And the baby seems fine. They're going to transport them over to NYC."

It gets a bit more fuzzy after that, and then they bring in a stretcher and ask Sirius if he wants to ride along.

And what he wants is a cigarette, and he's certainly not going to get that in an ambulance, and its the single most selfish thing he can do but he shakes his head.

Remus doesn't even look at him when they wheel him out, and then a different paramedic that Sirius hadnt seen trails behind carrying a buddle of towels and flailing limbs, and then the door closes and Sirius is alone.

As soon as the door shuts it's too quiet, and then Sirius lets his head drop into his hands and starts to sob.

---

So tell me when you hear my heart stop

You're the only one that knows

Tell me when you hear my silence

There's a possibility I wouldn't know

Notes:

oof, let's dive right in shall we?
this one is a bit of a doozy, a kind of reversal on my series "Our Amsterdam", where Sirius and Remus are married and trying for a baby.
this story has a lot of dark elements, and it doesn't get very lighthearted until the end. I've tried to make sure things are tagged appropriately and that any kind of distressing content has been clearly tagged and mentioned in the beginning notes, but if I've missed anything please let me know, and uh... i hope you enjoy it?

 

title song is Possibility by Lykke Le

Chapter 2: don't be afraid, just eat up all the grey

Summary:

He, once again, doesn't really know what's going on. They're taking vital signs and talking amongst themselves, quick snippets shared back and forth.

"No visible signs of deformity or injury."

"Signs of jaundice... call ahead to NYC."

"Parent's blood pressure is high- pre-eclampsia?"

"Roommate says they didn't know... could be shock."

"Was the baby breathing when it came out?" Someone asks, and then he realizes they're asking him, and he doesnt know.

Doesn't remember, can't really think straight enough to give them an answer, but then someone says something like "It's breathing now", and Remus clings to that.

His baby is breathing now, and it's alive, and he hasn't even held it, and he doesn't know what to do.

Notes:

content warning for this chapter:
-post birth things
-body/gender dysmorphia
-medical treatment
-panic attacks

and I'm sure there's other things, if you see it and I'm not tagging it please let me know!

Bad day and looking for a way home

Looking for the great escape

Gets in his car and drives away

Far from all the things that we are

---

"Don't fucking touch me!"

Why did you do that?

Remus has never yelled at Sirius. Never raised his voice, let himself be pliant and malleable under those skilled hands that are now too much to bear.

Has given everything to make Sirius see him, if only briefly; to let Sirius have him. 

And now he's shouting at him, and he doesn't know what's happening. 

Can't quite figure it out, is just piecing together little bits of thought as they float past his eyes.

He's in the bathroom, knows this from the ugly vanity lights. He's on the floor, knows this from his line of sight catching the toilet and the shower stall off to the right. He's... oh.

He's in pain.

Broken down deep, there's a gut wrenching pain that hasn't stopped despite every logical part of his brain telling him that the pain should be gone.

That whatever happened is done, and the pain should be gone, but it's not, and there's something sticky touching his hands where they're still clutched to the floor, and there's a ringing in his ears that he can't escape, no matter how hard he tries.

His body feels wrong, disgusting; he feels disgusted with himself. Disgusted by himself, and the room suddenly feels too small, and his ears are ringing and the lights are too bright, and then suddenly Sirius is filling his line of vision.

"I have to cut the cord. Remus, I have to cut the cord, you have to hold the-"

What cord? He screams, or maybe he doesn't, because Sirius doesn't answer him. 

Doesn't even look at him.

He's holding something, a towel- a bundle of a towel, and he looks so small, so scared, and Remus wants to reach out and hold him, take the pain from him, reassure him, but he can't do anything but watch Sirius start to flounder, and he thinks maybe he hates him.

Hates him, hates him, hates him.

Well no, he doesn't. He doesn't hate him, could never hate him, but Remus can't look at him, so instead he looks down at his hands to see what's touching him.

Its blood; not crimson, not a deep enough shade to be concerning, but enough that it makes Remus a bit woozy as he looks at it.

There's more on the floor, on his thighs, on his stomach, and when Sirius leans a little further away from him, there's a sharp tugging at his vagina that seems to pull his lower stomach out from between his hips. 

That shouldn't happen.

It shouldnt.

He shouldn't feel like he does; dredged up on the rocks of some far away coast line, his body isn't his own anymore.

Belongs to someone else, someone who can feel the things he's feeling and process them.

But Remus doesn't know what's happening to him now. Every single part of his body- the ones he hates, the ones hes worked so hard to erase, are alight with an unfamiliar pain, and Remus doesn't know why it feels like this, but he can't take it.

He feels sick, and disgusted with himself, and Sirius keeps trying to hand him something.

It's warm and heavy against his arms, but he can't take what Sirius is handing him because his arms won't move, and he's telling him something, and it seems important, desperate even, but there's a spot of blood right across the bridge of his nose and it's all Remus can think about.

Bright, deep crimson against the pale skin of his face, cutting through the ghosted dusting of freckles on his cheeks, and that's wrong.

That doesn't belong there.

He's ruined.

Remus has ruined him.

Ruined everything.

He's drowning, floundering for the surface, and it's right there. He can feel the tension, feel the pressure building and building and building until he thinks that if he doesn't break the surface right now the crushing depths are going to take him.

A bow pulled tight, the air in his lungs long depleted and there's little stars twinkling in his eyes, and he can't break the surface. 

He's going to drown.

He's going to die.

Sirius has a hand on his leg, and its rough against the cold skin there. Rough and angry, the skin worn thin and calloused and his leg feels so cold, all of him is too cold. 

He's freezing, and shaking, and the pain won't stop coming in waves, and Remus is lost at sea. Resigned to a cold, watery death, and there's no escape, but Sirius won't stop touching him and he thinks, just for one second, that he'd rather drown.

Remus shuddered, the pain twisting in his guts, and then Sirius moves. He's saying something, but he can't hear him through the echoing wail that's warbling off the walls.

He keeps trying to hand him the towel, but his hands keep brushing up against Remus and he can't take it.

"Stop touching me, please," Remus chokes out, and its not until that moment does Remus realize that he's crying.

Sobbing; there's snot and tears streaking down his face and drool at his chin because his fucking mouth is open, and Sirius is just staring at the towel hes holding, and there's a very visceral reaction there.

Its his fault; the pain and the blood and the rushing of sound in his ears, and his body hurts and aches and throbs and it won't stop, should have stopped but still echoes through his being with the ferocity of a hurricane, and Sirius won't look at him.

Looking for something, looking everywhere but where Remus is falling apart before his eyes, and he's trying to get the words out but they're stuck in his throat.

Look at me. Please. I'm here, I'm right here. I've always been here, please just look at me.

Im hurt. I'm in pain. Please.

But Sirius doesn't look at him.

Doesn't seem to hear what Remus is telling him, instead just fumbles with the towel for a moment before sitting it down against his bare leg.

"I'll be right back."

No. 

No.

No, please dont go.

But Sirius doesn't hear him, and Remus isn't even sure if he said anything. There's sound coming from him, he knows this because he can feel his throat moving; making some kind of noise, but he's not really sure what he's saying.

And now he's alone, and there's nothing keeping the loud, shrill shriek that's filling the air from drilling its way into his brain, and then he thinks maybe that sounds coming from him. 

Doesn't think about it too long, though, because the pain comes back, visceral and gut wrenching, and Remus almost kicks his legs out in a blind effort to get away from the pain.

Please. 

Please. 

Not again, please.

He doesn't know what he's begging for. 

Doesn't know, but there's a sharp, heavy weight filling out the space between his hips, and he instinctively curls his body up against the rising pressure. But as quickly as it came on its gone, a little star suddenly burning out a thousand light years away.

Left in its wake is a hollowness that Remus doesn't think he'll ever forget. A feeling of complete and utter wreckage that comes alongside the eye of a hurricane.

It's over now, but it's always going to be there.

His eyes are so heavy, his head and body throbbing, all the energy left in his spent body focused one one singular purpose: breathing.

Sirius is still gone, and he's alone in the bathroom, bleeding out on the floor, and all Remus can do is breathe and try to remember why he was on the floor in the first place.

He'd disassociated, he knows that. Can tell from the cloudy feeling of his brain, the haze that seems to cover every single thing he sees. He's in pain, and he'd disassociated, and it's been a long time since that had happened.

He'd gotten his period.

Sirius had come home.

He'd touched him. On purpose. In the daytime. 

He'd gone to bed, laid down and dozed off for four hours.

Woken up in pain- now we're getting somewhere.

He'd thrown up- and pissed himself in front of Sirius.

Gotten in the shower.

Started having terrible cramps and got out and-

"I think you're having a baby."

Oh my god.

His eyes shoot down to the little bundle that's pressed agaisnt the seam of his leg, the screaming, angry face of an infant looking back at him.

He just had a baby.

A baby.

His baby.

Sirius's baby.

Sirius. 

Sirius still hasn't come back, and Remus knows in his heart that he won't be. 

Sirius isn't going to come back, and Remus doesn't blame him. Can't blame him, can't hate him, not really. He loves him, has loved him from the very first time he laid eyes on him, and has been begging and pleading and trying to hold some spot in his life so hard for so long, and now it's done.

This is too much, he's done too much, and now he's going to have to pick up the pieces, and he can't breathe.

Can't breathe and can't move and can't think, and even though the pain is just the barest hint of an echo compared to it at it's height, his body feels worn and tired and fucking empty.

He's so empty, the thought is reverberating through his entire body and the air is hot and sticky, and Remus still can't breathe-

"Mr. Lupin?" There's a voice in his ear, so close that if he could have Remus would have jumped right off the floor but he can't even turn his head to look at the source of the sound, "I'm Joshua, we're with Emergency Services."

There's hands on him, and then a sharp squeeze at his arm and he drops his gaze down to see that they've put a blood pressure cuff on him.

It's so tight, his arm feels tingly at the fingertips, and Joshua is asking him questions, but he can't answer as he watches someone else scoop the baby up, cradles it gently against their chest, and Remus's first instinct is to make some kind of noise.

He doesn't know why, he hasn't even held the baby himself, but there's a tiny little spark in his brain that fills with panic at the thought of someone else holding his baby.

But someone else was always going to hold his baby, because he couldn't.

Couldn't hold it. 

Couldn't love it.

Couldn't keep it.

And the thought fills him with something he doesn't recognize, something he doesn't know what to with. 

They look at him, eyes full of something Remus can't quite place, and then while he quietly falls apart on the bathroom floor of the apartment he'll have to leave now, they start going over things.

He, once again, doesn't really know what's going on. They're taking vital signs and talking amongst themselves, quick snippets shared back and forth.

"No visible signs of deformity or injury."

"Signs of jaundice... call ahead to NYC."

"Parent's blood pressure is high- pre-eclampsia?"

"Roommate says they didn't know... could be shock."

"Was the baby breathing when it came out?" Someone asks, and then he realizes they're asking him, and he doesnt know.  

Doesn't remember, can't really think straight enough to give them an answer, but then someone says something like "It's breathing now", and Remus clings to that.

His baby is breathing now, and it's alive, and he hasn't even held it, and he doesn't know what to do.

Joshua appears in his line of sight, his eyes watching the cuff that's squeezing his arm. He clicks his tongue at the reading he gets. 

"We're gonna transport you to hospital, but first we're gonna give you a sedative, okay? To help you calm down."

Somehow, by the grace of something he doesn't even think he believes in, Remus manages to nod his head in compliance. He barely registers the paramedics starting an IV on him.

He hardly notices the soft pinch of the needle several times over because his veins are shit, or the soft pop of something being uncorked, but then there's  a pressure at his hand where the IV is as it's lifted and the needle is inserted. 

Hands almost the size of his handle it gently, pressing to stopper down in minute increments, and Remus wants to scream at them to just push it in so he can fucking breathe.

Then there's a warm, floating feeling that starts in his left arm and tingles all the way up to his head and down to his toes. Now incapacitated, his limbs are too heavy to move and his body still racked with cramping pain that's radiating his lower body like it's been nuked in a microwave. 

It reaches his brain in a brilliant burst of fuzz that renders him helpless to the rapid alarm that's growing around him, but for a moment he's thankful to not feel the cold numbness that had settled into his body now. 

He drifts off to a metallic taste in his mouth, and a ringing in his ears, and for one fleeting moment Remus hopes that he doesn't wake up.

---

Puts on smiles and breathes it in

And breathe it out,

And he says Bye-bye

Bye to all of the noise

Notes:

title song is great escape by Patrick Watson

Chapter 3: you build a boat, you build a life

Summary:

And he knows this is a huge, huge, huge no-no. That if he gets caught in here with patient files and nurses schedules and phone numbers in a hospital he doesn't even work at, it could be his license. It could be Regulus's license. It could be Dorcas's license.

But he doesn't care at the moment, because the little placard on the bassinet to the far right catches his eye.

He can't see the baby itself, neatly swaddled and sleeping soundly it appeared, but he can see the little card at the bottom of the bassinet.

Baby Lupin.

If the sun don't rise

'Til the summertime

Forgive my northern attitude

Oh, I was raised on little light

---

It takes a solid five minutes of crying before Sirius snaps out of it and all but leaps to his feet. Then he sprints down the hallway, slamming the bathroom door shut as he goes by so he doesn't have to see the mess, and goes into Remus's room. 

He couldn't tell you what he packed in that bag, but he knows that Remus isn't going to want to stay in the hospital gown.

It's the only thought in his head, that Remus won't like the scratchy fabric and will want his own shirt.

It's the only thing he can focus on, because the second he stops everything is going to come crashing down around him, and he can't handle that.

Sirius makes it into the stairwell that leads down to the parking garage and lights a cigarette, while simultaneously locking the door, and then his phone starts ringing.

He doesnt know where it is, immediately begins scrambling to pat himself down until he finds it. Turns out it's in his back pocket, and he manages to keep the cigarette clenched between his front teeth while he digs for his phone.

It's a narrow miss from him burning a hole in his shirt when he looks down after finally retrieving it, and takes a long drag off his Marlboro before checking the caller ID with a groan.

It's Regulus.

Of course its Regulus.

They were supposed to be at his and James's house an hour ago for the party.

An hour ago.

An hour ago Remus had a stomach ache.

An hour ago Sirius was still asleep on the couch.

An hour ago the world has one less person in it. 

He answers the call, mainly because his brain is functioning on autopilot, and he can get to the hospital and carry the bag and talk on the phone and smoke the cigarette as long as thats all he thinks about.

As long as he doesn't think about the mess on their bathroom floor, or the mud the paramedics tracked in, or the fact that it was December in New York and it's freezing out and was Remus cold when he left? He didn't have any clothes on.

Was the baby cold? Was it okay? Was it breathing and-

"Where the hell are you?"

Regulus sounds so much like their father. 

It's not his fault, and Sirius knows that. Its a learned thing, when you grow up with parents like they did you'll inevitably pick up a few bad habits that you can't kick. Regulus, unfortunately, picked up their mother's bitchy attitude, and their father's tone.

And none of that is sitting well with Sirius right now.

"We aren't coming."

On the other end of the line Regulus sighs, and Sirius can picture it in his head. Can see the way Regulus's eyes sharpen when he's annoyed, the way his jaw clenches and his teeth gnash and the pulse point in his neck becomes visible.

"Oh for fuck sake Sirius, you said you were off tonight! We planned the whole thing around you being here! Everyone has been waiting-" Regulus hisses, rambling on about how Sirius has messed up, and it just... does something in his brain.

Snaps something, and then it's all to close to the surface. Too much like being home, in those cold, empty hallways they had grown up in. Too much like a slap to the face; a clawed hand gripping your chin and jerking your head around until your neck hurts from the movement. 

"We aren't coming to your stupid fucking Christmas party!" Sirius doesnt mean to scream, but he does anyway.

Shouts the words, spittle landing on the concrete steps below him and it reminds him a little too much of his mother; of sharp nails cutting into his shoulders, cold sneers and even colder eyes that he sees in himself every day, and suddenly everything is hitting him all at once.

Remus had asked him to go to the party without him.

What the hell would have happened if he had been more easily swayed?

What would he have come home too?

Would Remus have called him?

Would he have called an ambulance?

And then he starts spiraling a little; the idea of Remus having a baby all alone on their cold bathroom floor, panicked and terrified and bleeding.

"Why the hell not?"

And then he thinks about the vacant look in Remus's eyes, how he wouldn't even look at the baby. How he was laughing, and it didn't make any sense because he shouldn't have been laughing, but then he was fucking sobbing and that seemed so much more fitting for what had happened.

"Remus just had a fucking baby."

There's a pause, the soft crackling of the phone being shifted around, and then the sound of a door being pulled shut, and then the soft roar of the party dulls before cutting out completely.

"I'm sorry, it sounded like you just said Remus had a baby."

"I did."

He did. 

I think it's mine. 

I think Remus had my baby. 

He had my baby, and he wouldn't even look at it. 

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I did to him.

I think I broke him.

"Wait, hold on. We just saw him, he wasn't..." Regulus trails off, then comes back with, "Did you know?"

And that's the most ludicrous thing he has ever heard in his entire life. Like Sirius wouldn't have been shouting it from the rooftops if they had known. Like it wouldn't have been the most amazing, wonderful, terrible thing for them to do.

But they didn't know, and Remus wouldn't look at the baby, and Sirius didn't go to the hospital with him, and he doesn't know what to do now. 

"No we didn't fucking know!"

"Okay, calm down. Are you with him now?"

No.

He needed a cigarette. He was selfish, and needed a cigarette, and let Remus go in that ambulance by himself with a baby that he wouldn't even look at, and Sirius did that to him. 

Sirius did that to him, Remus didn't make that baby by himself, and neither of them knew, and now there's a baby that neither one of them knows what to do with.

What are they going to do?

What is he going to do?

It's all just a bit to much, the sudden overwhelming rush of emotions and adrenaline that finally comes crashing down around him.

He's a father.

He has a child.

He has a child with Remus, who probably hates him. He has too. He hates the baby, and he hates Sirius, and when this is all said and done Sirius knows that there's going to be several tough choices to make.

He doesn't know what to do or how to move or what to think and he might have to bring this baby home without Remus, and that's the thought that breaks the dam.

There's tears, hot and sticky and uncomfortable against his face, and there's a sinking feeling in his gut that he can't quite place. 

Guilt. 

Anger.

Desperation.

He's not really sure what it is, but it's not good, and now he's crying, and he doesn't know why the hell he's crying to Regulus, of all people, but now that the tears are coming they aren't stopping and he doesn't know what to do now.

"No, I needed to... I didn't go with him." Sirius sobs, his cigarette long forgotten now.

"Okay, okay, hang on, just... hold on a second, Sirius-"

The words come out urgent, rushed, and then there's the jingle of something that sounds like keys and Sirius can suddenly hear people talking in the background, can hear Regulus hiss 'James!' while still holding onto the phone, can hear a quiet snippet or conversation, and then Regulus is back.

"Where are they taking him?"

Sirius has to think about it, has to rack his brain to remember what the paramedic had said to him. It feels so long ago, like it's just a faint memory buried in the recesses of his mind.

But it wasn't.

It was minutes ago.

"New York Central."

There's a pause, some low hums and quiet snippets of conversation, and then there's a sudden crackle as Regulus comes back to the phone.

"Okay, are you still at home?" 

"I- yeah, I'm about to get in my car."

"Stay there. I'm coming to get you."

And for the first time in a long time, he's thankful he called Regulus first. He sits down on the hard concrete steps in the parking garage, and tosses the long forgotten cigarette into a puddle of mysterious liquid near the corner of the building.

Then he lights another one, and waits. 

---

Sirius has never been in this hospital before.

It's similar enough to the one he works at, but it's an older building and looks more like something you'd see on old reruns of ER instead of the newer, more modern setting of Mercy West.

He doesn't remember a whole lot of his first few minutes here, he knows they came in through the Emergency Room entrance, and then is being swept into an elevator off to the side.

It's just him and Regulus, which is uncomfortable to say the least, and Sirius is hadn't even realized he was still wearing his grimy clothes until Regulus had wrinkled his nose at the sight of him in the parking garage.

There's stains the color of wine on his sleep pants, which have dried in a crumpled, wrinkled mess at the knees and down the legs, and he's not wearing a shirt under the sweatshirt that he'd tossed on at the start of all of it.

He hadn't showered after his shift last night, and definitely hadn't gotten enough sleep, and his hair is knotted and tangled in the ponytail he'd pulled it into.

"I'll have James bring you a change of clothes."

James.

God, James. If Remus Lupin was the love of Sirius's life, then James is his soul mate. James is his everything, right along with Harry and now... 

Would Remus let him name the baby James Jr? Probably not, but it's worth mentioning. 

And of course James was supposed to be at his family's Christmas party, the one Regulus was hosting. The one Sirius and Remus missed. And of course, James is probably handing over the reigns to his parents so he could be here with Sirius. 

Because James is the sun, not in the way that he's the center of the universe- a hot, blazing ball of starlight that takes all the attention, but instead a warm stream of sunlight on a spring day, filtering in the window to your favorite spot on the couch. He's the gentle breeze that warms you under the shade of a big oak tree, a presence that brightens and caresses you in the most amazing way.

"I called ahead, let Dorcas know we're coming. I've got privileges." Regulus continues, leaning back against the handrail of the elevator with his arms crossed.

Sirius looks over at him wearily.

"Just you?"

"You're too close to this. You can't... well, you know if it was the other way around they wouldn't give me privileges."

"Yeah, except when James got pregnant, you guys actually knew. You guys had all the time in the world to adjust to the idea of having a baby."

His brother just shrugs, not offering up anything else on the matter before the elevator jolts to a stop on the third floor. There's a ping as the door opens, then they're shuffled out around the crowd who's entering the elevator as they exit. 

Regulus immediately cuts a hard left, swinging through the double doors to the maternity ward as if he owns the place, and Sirius kind of admires his bravado here.

Sirius isn't quiet, or little, or easily placed in a neat little box. Hes loud, and boisterous, and draws everyones attention. He walks in and immediately starts taking charge, even if he doesn't mean to.

But not here. 

Here hes nothing, only a visitor to a hospital hes never stepped foot in. Going into a situation blind, hes got no idea whats waiting for him on the other side of those doors.

"I'll go find Dorcas while you wait at the nurses station." Regulus says as they enter the ward, which is eerily quiet for what Sirius now knows first hand is happening behind rhe closed doors, "Please remember that we are guests in this hospital.

"I'm not going to cause a scene, Reggie." He scoffs.

Regulus just looks at him with vague contempt.

"Dorcas is doing me a huge favor, so please just don't do anything stupid."

---

Sirius wasn't going to go to the nursery.

He really wasn't, had planned on just waiting at the nurses station as promises, because Regulus did have a point and Dorcas was doing them a professional favor here, a favor that was probably breaking several privacy laws and hospital regulations and it would be her ass on the line if this came back to bite them in the ass.

But goddammit, they have the babies on display. The nursery is really just a little glass fishbowl, three walls of glass that peer down into row upon row of little plastic bassinets. Something straight out of a 70s TV show, Sirius didn't know that they did that anymore.

But still, he didn't have to go over. He could just stay where he was. 

But it's Sirius, so of course he doesn't. 

Instead he meanders over to the glass, his eyes drifting over each little face. They all look relatively the same, as far as babies go, and Sirius isn't sure if he should be relieved that he doesn't recognize any of them or if he should be eaten alive by guilt that he doesn't know which one is his baby. 

He can't see the name placards from the observation space, but he does know where to go to find it.

And wouldn't you know it, the door is unlocked. 

Sirius looks both ways up and down the hall, making sure no one is looking before slipping into the employees only section of the nursery. 

There's beeping machines and cabinets full of supplies in the back of the room, a small sink and fridge, and several very ominous looking machines that Sirius knows he's heard of but has no idea what they do. There's charts up on the walls with feeding schedules, post it notes, and a small filing cabinet under the window ledge. 

And he knows this is a huge, huge, huge no-no. That if he gets caught in here with patient files and nurses schedules and phone numbers in a hospital he doesn't even work at, it could be his license. It could be Regulus's license. It could be Dorcas's license.

But he doesn't care at the moment, because the little placard on the bassinet to the far right catches his eye.

He can't see the baby itself, neatly swaddled and sleeping soundly it appeared, but he can see the little card at the bottom of the bassinet.

Baby Lupin.

Sirius stands stock still for a moment, unsure of what to do now. That's his baby, sleeping in that bassinet. It's not even five feet from him. He could just... walk over and have a peak. Regulus won't know.

Just a quick little peak, and then he'll zip back to the nurses station and-

"What the hell are you doing?"

Fuck.

Sirius whips around to see a nurse standing behind him, and if looks could kill he would drop dead right where he stood.

"Hi," Sirius looks at the nurse, the gravity of the situation settling over them. But fuck it, he's gone this far- "Do you know if this baby was brought in by squad?"

The nurse looks at him for a second like she's considering whether or not to call security on this raging lunatic whose just waltzed into the nursery and is looking at the babies.

"And you are...?"

"I'm... I'm the dad."

She absolutely does not believe him, that much is evident from the way she looks at him, but before she gets a chance to do anything about it the door behind them opens, and in comes a familiar face.

Sirius has known Dorcas for years now, before any of them decided to go into medicine or had even an inkling of what they were gonna do after college. 

She'd gone to the same school as Regulus, and they made quick friends. Sirius often chalked it up to their similar personalities, the dry humor and quick wit and tongue that can cut flesh from bone when the occasion arises. 

She's got a thick accent, Jamaican if he remembers correctly, and long black braids with clips and beads and bits that jingle and clack when she turns her head to look at him. 

"Sirius." She smiles, moving with a swaying grace that keeps his eyes locked on her.

"Dorcas." He nods back, immediately directing his attention back to the bassinet behind the other nurse.

"Madison, this is Dr. Potter-Black and Dr... just Black, I suppose. Dr. Potter-Black has been given privileges to the nursery and baby Lupin's file." She says to the nurse, Madison, who looks rather perturbed by this development.

She crinkles her nose slightly and peeks around Dorcas' shoulder to get a look at Regulus, but doesn't say much else before going back out the door to the nursery and out onto the floor.

"I told you to wait at the nurses station." Regulus all but growls at him, his eyes narrowed and his lips curled up.

"I know, but-"

But Sirius doesn't have time to finish that thought before Dorcas is ushering him away from the bassinet. He has to stop the visceral urge to grind his heels into the floor and hold on for dear life.

"Come," She murmurs, nodding to a rocking chair that's in the corner of the room beside a UV light bed for babies with jaundice, "Sit."

And Sirius isn't going to argue with that. Hes happy to sit, happy to let someone else give him orders instead of being forced to call the shots and make decisions and figure this out.

Dorcas said he can sit, so he sits.

"How's Remus?" He asks quietly, watching as Dorcas puts on a pair of gloves, "Can I see him?"

She hums, tugging at each finger before reaching into the bassinet that Sirius had been staring at from the glass.

"He's sleeping now, the EMTs gave him a PRN because his blood pressure was quite high when they arrived. He's... well, he suffered a pretty severe tear, which required stitching. Thankfully the placenta was intact, so we avoided having to do a manual extraction."

"... and how is he?"

Is he okay?

Did he ask for the baby?

Did he hold it?

Dorcas clicks her tongue, leaning down and gathering up a much more nicely wrapped bundle then Sirius's attempt.

"He's in shock. He was awake for a little bit upon arrival, but didn't asked to see or feed the baby, so we've had to supplement for formula in the meantime. He's probably do for another feeding soon, actually."

"Remus?"

Oh god, he's on a feeding tube. What the hell happened?

"No, Sirius, your son- mind his head." Dorcas steps up to him, cradling the small bundle carefully in two hands as she moves to place it in his arms.

Oh.

Oh.

His son.

He has a son.

---

After what feels like an eternity, but is really only a handful of minutes really, the baby is fed and sated, his little face less scrunched and his fists are now resting gently against his chubby cheeks.

He's a good size, Sirius realizes after holding him for a bit, his arms slowly becoming more and more heavy in the stiff chair that offered no support to it. Jaundiced as well, but not terribly, and he's got dark hair, and now that he's cleaned up and settled a bit Sirius can see now that he looks much more like him rather than Remus.

"So," Regulus hums, sitting a fair distance away in a different rocking chair beside an unused bassinet, "You are the father, right?"

Sirius doesn't answer right away.

He was the father.

He had to be.

Remus didn't go anywhere, didn't do anything, wouldn't have the time or make the effort or have the want, Sirius was so sure of it.

But he didn't know.

The baby wasn't little.

The baby was alive.

It moved, stretched and yawned and flailed, and how could Remus not know?

Had he hidden the whole thing? 

Had he known all along and just not cared enough to mention it to Sirius? 

How many others had there been while he was working overnight? Away from home, leaving Remus there by himself and-

No.

Those thoughts aren't real. Those thoughts don't have anything to do with Remus, and are solely just his insecurities and his childhood rearing it's ugly head in the back of his mind.

But Regulus takes his silence personally, leaning forward in his chair and unhinging his clenched jaw.

"Sirius, please tell me I didn't just lie to Dorcas's face because your fuck buddy got knocked up by somebody else and you have big feelings about it."

Sirius snorts, tracing a finger over the soft shell of his sons ear as he snuffles in his sleep.

"Remus is not my fuck buddy." 

He's the father of my child.

He's the love of my life.

He's the man whose life I ruined with my selfish, stupid actions.

"Sure- lover, fuck buddy, 'situationship', whatever you want to call it; you two give joint Christmas and birthday presents, I've never seen you look at anyone the way you look at him. Either you two are fucking, or you are an idiot."

Sirius is quiet for a moment, brooding, considering all the things that have come to the surface in the last few hours. 

He's a father.  This baby looks just like him.

And even if it didn't, even if he wasn't...

"He's mine."

"Are you sure?" Regulus asks, his tone sharp.

And no, he has no tangible proof that this baby is his.

Except....

"When um... when he was born, I was looking at him, and I thought his nose looked familiar but I couldn't figure out where I had seen it before."

Regulus cocked an eyebrow at him, a slight question there that Sirius won't make him think on for too long.

"It's your's- your nose, I mean. He's got Remus's ears, and he's got our nose, and my hair, and-"

And then his son snuffled against his chest, his head raising weakly for a brief moment before thumping back against the sore spot on his collarbone.

Sirius freezes for just a second, looking over at Regulus, who quickly stands and moves towards him, with panicked eyes. He moves his hands carefully, gently as he can to form a 'C' against the back of his neck, and the slowly drawing the baby away from his chest.

He's turning his head side to side, a single whisp of dark hair visible from under his little blue and white striped hat. He scrunches his nose up a little, his little lips smacking softly, and then he blinks open bleary eyes.

Oh.

Oh.

Sirius is in love.

"And he got our eyes too." Regulus blinks slowly, looking taken aback for a brief moment before clicking his tongue and cutting his gaze away, "Remus really drew a shit hand in the genetic traits distribution."

Remus.

"He didn't ask to see him?"

Regulus sits back in the chair, sighing quietly before shaking his head.

"No, he didn't."

Sirius nods, but there's an undercurrent of something he doesn't like there. Something that must show up on his face, because Regulus sighs and plops down in a chair closer to him. 

And this isn't a thing that they do, the whole talking about our feelings thing. Hadn't been allowed to for a very long time growing up, and still to this day had a hard time expressing things verbally, especially to each other. 

But here's Regulus, offering up a little comfort for his brother- doing favors for him, getting him into a hospital that neither of them work for just because it might comfort him a little. 

"Sirius," His brother says, his voice softer than Sirius thinks he's ever heard, "This is hard for him. This isn't- this wasn't James, who had nine months to prepare for what was going to happen to his body. Remus only had minutes."

So did Sirius.

So did Sirius, but here he is- in the nursery, holding their baby. 

And maybe it's justified, or maybe it's just his mother in him, but he wants to scream. Wants to scream and throw things and also maybe throw up, and cry, and it's all just a bit to much.

But he can't, because underneath all the hurt and the helplessness and the unknown, he loves Remus.

He loves him so much, but he also loves this baby, and he can't quite wrap his brain around how Remus doesn't. 

How Remus has just left him here in the nursery surrounded by artificial light and scentless washing powder rinsed blankets and unfamiliar hands poking and prodding him.

And he supposes that he doesn't have the right to know. That Regulus is right, that this isn't  so cut and dry as his brain is trying to make him think it should be.

But then he looks at his son, and he's beautiful in a way that Sirius can't quite comprehend. Incredible, the most amazing thing that he's ever seen, and Sirius thinks that he's done for.

Like he's not actually been alive up until this moment now, and suddenly it's like the light came on and he just... he gets it. Understands what all the fuss is about.

Sirius looks up at Regulus, cradling his son closer to his chest and situating himself back into the chair more comfortably.

"What am I supposed to do, Reg?"

It comes out small, pitiful, and Sirius hates it. Hates being vulnerable in front of Regulus, but he's got no one else here.

Regulus sighs, shifting a bit in his own seat.

"Just... just don't hold it against him. Be angry, but don't be angry with him."

---

If I get too close

And I'm not how you hoped

Forgive my northern attitude

Oh, I was raised out in the cold

Notes:

Title song is Northern Attitude by Noah Kahan

 

ps I turned 30, graduated from college, sent my father to rehab, and went back on my anxiety medication last month. My oldest passed fifth grade and is going to middle school this coming fall, and my youngest finished preschool and will start kindergarten this fall as well.

This has been a huge month, and I felt the need to share that with you, my internet friends❤️❤️❤️

Chapter 4: time was a bust, you thought you’d better be tough

Summary:

He's losing every single piece of himself; his home, his body, his life, his identity. It's all just chipping away slowly, the ugly parts of himself that he can't stand now on display for all to see.

It's all he can think about, for hours and hours, until there's a sudden knock at the door.

"Mr. Lupin?" It's the nurse from earlier, her face a bit weary in the dim light of the overhead, "There's someone here to see you, is that okay?"

Please be Sirius.

It has to be him, he wouldn't leave me here to fucking rot.

He nods, sitting up in bed with a hiss as she turns and ushers someone into the room.

But it's not Sirius, and Remus can't help the tiny heartbreak that stutters in his chest, little pieces breaking off and pinging off his ribs when a familiar face appears in the doorway.

Notes:

TW for
Gender Dysphoria!!! (That's a big point here, it gets brought up A LOT.)
Medical things
Mentions of chest feedings, vaginas, and blood and light gore.

 

Remus struggles with a lot of complicated feelings and things going on with his body. Please mind the tags, and let me know if I missed anything.

Ivory bone opera glass

Angles of attack

You heard blood was thick, brothers and sisters

But ya don’t know where anybody’s at

---

The first thing that dawns on Remus when he wakes up is that the ceiling is not familiar. The ceiling at home is smooth and off white, and the one filling his vision is... not.

It's speckled, black on white with off white plastic squares running over the edges. The lights above are industrial, bright, not soft yellow.

He's stiff, sore, uncomfortable, and he knows that if he moves it's going to get worse.

"Oh, look at that-" A voice from his right draws his attention from the freckled ceiling tiles, a woman in scrubs at his side, "You're awake!"

Her voice is bright, happy, but not in a way that Remus likes.

Not like James, who seems to have swallowed the sun and emits a permanent light just by talking. Not like Sirius, whose tender and sweet, soft, and... not here.

Sirius isn't here. 

Sirius had been there, had looked so fucking scared, why was he scared-

Oh.

Oh.

Remus looks down, and as if his eyes have opened some kind of portal over his body, it was alight with pain.

There's a soreness to every muscles that makes the worst of any pain he'd ever felt seem like a scraped knee. It's obscene how badly he aches, his lower stomach and his thighs shaking and starting with every second that ticked by.

There's a tightness between his legs, and uncomfortable, warm wetness that makes him think that maybe he'd had an accident.

He tosses the sheet back to investigate when the sudden movement tugs sharply at the back of his hand, a tearing feeling that reverberates up to his elbow and makes him gasp.

"Hang on- hold on, sweetie." The woman comes closer, shifting lines and wires out of his way.

He realizes that the sharp tugging at his hand was an IV line that was in the back of his left hand, the wire wrapped up around the arm of the bed and behind his back to a clear line on an IV pole. 

She helps him sit up, a gentle arm wrapped around his arm and scooting him backwards. The wetness between his thighs shifts, and suddenly there's a terrible stinging that accompanies all the other sensationshappening, and Remus chokes on a gasp.

"I know that hurts, I'm sorry. We can see about getting you a donut here in a bit."

A donut?

His stomach roiled at the idea of eating. Tipped and turned and for a second Remus thinks he's going to throw up all over the very nice lady whose holding him up.

"No- I'm good, thanks." His voice is scratchy, his throat sore and raw. It feels like he's been screaming for hours.

"Are you sure? It'll help with some of the early healing process, and it might make some of the stitches feel better."

As if summoned, the sharp spark of stretching too far on tender skin smarts betwen his legs, the skin there sore and raw and wet in the worst way.

He's wearing mesh briefs, and he's suddenly violently aware of how itchy they are. They're lined heavily, the pad of them resting thickly against the insides of his thighs, which are wine stained and splattered with all sorts of things. 

"I... have stitches?"

"Yes, you've got eight stitches."

He can feel them now. Can feel every single tick against his skin, soft, tiny little knots of thread holding his throbbing skin together. Torn flesh, the acidic scent of blood in his nose, and how had he not noticed that before?

"I'm so sorry to spring this on you," The nurse continues, straightening his IV line, "We would have waited until you were awake so that you could be included in the treatment plan, but there was significant tearing." 

Remus nods, because he's not really sure what else to do.

It makes sense, everything happened so fast and his body didn't have time to prepare and of course he tore and has stitches. 

"Do you... do you know what happened?"

Her hand falls to something unseen behind the curtain, but Remus knows exactly what's there.

His eyes track the movement, his heart freezing in his chest so suddenly he thinks the heart monitor is going off in the background.

"I had a baby."

She pulls the handle into view, a wooden cart cradling a tiny plastic bassinet. The plastic looks slightly dingy, well worn from use.

Thousands of hours of use, maybe. Hundreds of other babies slept within it. 

"Yes you did."

And now it's his baby.

His baby.

His baby sleeping in the dingy little bassinet, a starch white bundle he can just barely make out from where he's sat in bed.

He can't breathe again. 

Can't move, is just frozen by overwhelming guilt and rage and fear, too much for him to feel and

And

And 

"My chest hurts."

The nurses eyes his monitor for a second, a quirked eyebrow giving away the unease that settles on the room. After watching for a second though, it slips away and she turns soft eyes back to him.

"I'd imagine so. Babies eat every two hours, and its been about four hours since you were brought in. You're probably engorged."

Engorged.

Overfilled.

Disgusting.

His chest hurt, and as he looked down he realizes that it's weeping, heavy wet stains dampening the front of his smock.

"Mr. Lupin, did you want to feed your baby?"

Your baby.

The baby he had on the dirty bathroom floor in his apartment.

The baby he hasn't looked at, or touched, or anything since the moment it came out of him. 

The baby who's currently laying in a bassinet just a few feet from him, attached to monitors and wires and looking so small and fragile.

And Remus knows it's his fault. His fault that the baby is alone, his fault it's hungry, his fault it exists.

The baby he doesn't know how to love.

"No."

She watches him for a second, something unreadable on her face. She's waiting for him to change his mind he realizes after a few awkward beats.

She's waiting for him to ask for the baby.

But he can't.

He can't hold the baby. 

The baby, the one that came from him, made a home inside of him, made its way out of him, and now what is he supposed too do?

Sirius is in Med School. 

Remus is getting his PhD. 

This wasn't supposed to happen. Remus was supposed to find a way to keep Sirius in his life before they finished school and inevitably floated out of each other's orbit.

They were never going to be anything more than they were now, and even at that they weren't supposed to be parents. 

Sirius wouldn't want this, and he definitely won't want Remus anymore after this. He isn't going to want Remus around after this, and Remus has nothing else. His parents live abroad, all his friends are Sirius's friends, his home was shared with Sirius. 

He had nothing without him, and now that looming canon of grief is splitting him open as he realizes how this is going to go.

So Remus can't ask for the baby.

Can't feed it, can't love it, can't want it.

Can't keep it.

And she finally seems to realize this as she drops her gaze.

"Okay," The nurse sighs, and then the bassinet is being wheeled away, "Well, you just press that call button if you need anything. I'll be back-"

But then, " - could you..."

The nurse squeaks to a stop against the polished floor, the bassinet slipping a bit in her hold. She turns her head, looking over her shoulder at him with soft eyes.

And Remus doesn't actually know what he's going to ask her.

His chest aches, and his body hurts, and he just had a fucking baby, and he's alone.

He's alone in this cold, sterile room with a baby he doesn't know what to do with, with a nurse who has doe eyes like James, with his thoughts and his feelings and a darkness that's threatening to swallow them all whole if he doesn't do something about it.

But no one is here, and he's all alone, and James hadn't called. His mum hadn't called. The only person who knows where he is wouldn't even ride in the ambulance with him.

There's no one coming for him, and there's nothing anyone can do to make it better.

So Remus does the only thing he knows how to do. He shakes his head, opting instead to carefully curl himself into as tight of a ball as he can with the stitches and the sore muscles and the IVs.

Turns away so he doesn't have to see the look of disappointment on her face as she takes the baby away, instead facing the window with it's blinds closed.

"Could you turn off the light?"

---

He lays in the darkness for what feels like an eternity, letting himself drift between heartbewam and anger and a few other mixed up emotions that leave him feeling hollow and empty.

So fucking empty, and Remus hasn't had time to think about all of it before. But now he's alone, and that's all he can do; think.

Try to understand what's happened, and why, and how.

Thinks about what he's going to do now; will he have to fill out paperwork to give the baby up? Will he be able to find another apartment that he can afford? How's he going to get his stuff back from Sirius when he wouldn't even come here to see him?

How does he live now, knowing what's happened? Knowing he's got a child out there that he didn't even know existed until it was laying on the cold bathroom floor. Knowing his body has betrayed him in a way he's never going to get over.

His chest still aches, it feels so full and uncomfortable when he breathes that he thinks he might call the nurse back and ask her to give him something for it. 

Something to dry it up, the sustenance from his body that's just curdling inside him while his baby sits in the nursery and waits to be fed.

But the nurses had to be feeding him, right? They wouldn't just let him starve. 

And a part of Remus thinks he deserves this, the pain and the fear and the anger that's roiling around inside him in the worst kind of way.

Deserves to sit here and think on his sins, a thought he hadn't had since he stopped going to church with his parents some distant time ago.

He's not a man, but he's paraded around as one for the last five years. This is just his way of being reminded that no matter how much he wishes and wants, he'll never be at home in his body.

That his body will always betray him, no matter what he does to it. No matter how hard he fights, it's always going to win out. 

His chest is full. His vagina is sore. His stomach is still contracting lightly, the quietest aftershock of a great earthquake that split his body, and the blatant reminder that it had been stitched back together. 

And on Christmas Eve no less, while their families are gathering to celebrate together. The people he's lied too, fooled into believing that he's something he's not.

But he's not a man, and at that he's not a parent.

His body betrayed him, and he's betraying his baby in turn, and he can't stop himself.

He's losing every single piece of himself; his home, his body, his life, his identity. It's all just chipping away slowly, the ugly parts of himself that he can't stand now on display for all to see.

It's all he can think about, for hours and hours, until there's a sudden knock at the door. 

"Mr. Lupin?" It's the nurse from earlier, her face a bit weary in the dim light of the overhead, "There's someone here to see you, is that okay?"

Please be Sirius.

It has to be him, he wouldn't leave me here to fucking rot.

He nods, sitting up in bed with a hiss as she turns and ushers someone into the room.

But it's not Sirius, and Remus can't help the tiny heartbreak that stutters in his chest, little pieces breaking off and pinging off his ribs when a familiar face appears in the doorway.

It's James, because of course its James.

James, who would have been the first person Sirius called. James, who always took the brunt of the beating for Sirius, kept the line straight and neat and ensured he was safe. 

So yes, of course James is here and not Sirius.

"Hi." James says softly, sitting down on the rolling stool and rolling over to the bedside as the nurse pulls the door shut behind her.

He can't hide the disappointment on his face, but James doesn't say anything about it. He just settles at his bedside, his hand searching out Remus's amongst the blankets.

"You're supposed to be hosting a Christmas party." Remus sniffs, his voice tired and weary even to his own ears.

"Yeah, well," James shrugged, nonchalant, like this was the easiest thing in the world for him. Like he did this every day, "Bigger fish to fry and all that. Plus, I think Marlene was more than happy that Mom took over hosting duties."

The long running joke, Marlene was only friends with them because of her crush on Effie. It would normally make them laugh, the whole inside joke of it all.

But not today. James just sits there at his bedside, his hand just barely touching Remus's as they exist in each other's presence in silence.

Remus has nothing to say, too tired and melancholy to offer James anything similent of a conversation, explanation, anything.

And James seems to be aware of this, taking his time easing into any kind of question that's going to remind 

"So," He says finally, "You had a baby."

Remus doesn't answer, just tries to keep his eyes trained on that ugly water stain that's in the corner of the ceiling.

He doesn't need to answer, because if James is here he already knows that he did. Already knows all the gory details, knows that Sirius isn't coming, knows that Remus hasn't seen the baby.

"Is it... it's Sirius's, right?"

Ah.

There it is.

"Yeah. There's not anyone- hasn't been anyone else in a really long time."

His friend nods, letting his breath out in a soft whoosh before smiling softly at him. 

"Okay."

And again, Remus has nothing to say. 

Wishes he had asked the nurse who it was before letting him in the room, because Remus loved James, but right now he couldn't stand him.

Needed someone to protect him the way James was protecting Sirius. James doing Sirius's dirty work, and it's always good fun to be on the sidelines but it's a lot less fun when you're on the receiving end.

"Did you know?"

"No!" He snaps, "I didn't. I didn't know, I didnt think... everything seemed plausible, you know? I upped my T, and I didnt think that it was weird I didn't have a period, or that I had gained some weight, or anything else that happened."

James nodded, because if anyone understood it was James. 

James, who has done this all before. Remus remembers when Harry was born, and how terrified James had been. How uncomfortable he had seemed when they'd come to visit, sitting stiffly in a similar hospital bed on the other side of town.

But James had known what was coming. Had known he was pregnant from the start and made that decision to keep it. 

And Remus, well....

"I didn't know," He sobs as he clings to his arms, clutching and grasping at them until there's long scratches down them, "I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't-"

He can't stop saying it, feels like if he says it enough someone is going to make it real for him.

He had a baby, and he didn't even know he was pregnant.

He drank, and smoked, and pulled all nighters, and didn't know he was pregnant.

Something had to be wrong, and even if it wasn't what kind of person doesn't know theyre pregnant? Who doesn't know their body well enough to know it's growing an entire person?

"Remus, look at me." James demands, but it's soft and kind and so much more than Remus deserves in this moment.

So Remus does as he's asked. Turns his gaze up toward James, whose sitting at his bedside, that lopsided smile on his face so familiar and comforting that Remus does start to feel a bit better even though he's still crying.

He thinks thats all he might do anymore, cry.

"You didn't know, Remus, and he's fine. He's healthy. He's got all his digits, and he's got hair, and my brothers unfortunate chin, and he's completly fine!"

Oh.

Theres an overwhelming guilt that crashes back into him as he realizes he never looked to see what the baby was. That no one had told him it's a boy, and that didn't really matter did it? It didn't matter to him, but now he knows he has a son, and hes suddenly got names floating in his head and an entire future spanning before his eyes, and he's crying even harder because how does he say goodbye knowing what he knows now?

"It's a boy?"

"I-" James looks bewildered, like Remus has grown three heads, "Yes, it's a boy. An even six pounds, Regulus says that's a pretty good size for a cryptic pregnancy."

A pretty good size.

A cryptic pregnancy.

Cryptic, like a Cryptid. Like Bigfoot had taken up residence inside his body. But there was no Bigfoot, just a baby that no one knew what to do with, Remus least of all, and James is just sitting here looking at him like he's supposed to react to that somehow.

And he does, the floodgates opening up and a steady stream of sons falling from his lips as he curls up on himself.

"My fucking chest hurts," Remus sobs, clutching more of the crinkly hospital blanket around him, "It aches, James, and I have eight stitches in my vagina, and my body isnt mine anymore, and it's  supposed to be! I'm... I'm a man, I'm not supposed to-"

"You had a baby." James whispers quietly, reaching out for Remus's hand, "And I know that's- that's a lot to take in right now, but-"

"But what, James?" Remus jerks his hand away, barely containing the ragged groan that drags itself up from his throat at the sore muscles that are used by the motion, "I'm supposed to... what? To feed him with the tits I'm saving to cut off? To look at my body every day and know the absolute, visceral betrayal it's commited?"

"Remus-" James tries to cut in, but Remus is on a roll now. 

His thoughts are clear, his defenses crumbled. Every carefully laid argument, every excuse, every reason why not; James has broken down every single one of them, and he's just sitting there smiling at Remus like this is all so simple.

Like his world hasn't been turned upside down, and now there's someone else depending on him just to survive, and Remus hasn't even held him. 

"I'm supposed to feed him! He's been here for four hours and I haven't fed him! I haven't held him, I haven't looked at him, he's been sat in that horrible plastic bassinet for four damn hours and I haven't even looked at him."

He sobs, ugly and wretched and pitiful, but he can't do anything else. Every single thing he's thought in the last few hours alone had seemed so solid, so foolproof, and now James is here breaking down every single thing.

"How did you do it, James?"

James leans forward, taking Remus's hand and squeezing gently.

"Some days are better than others. There are days where we go to the park and the other moms ask if I'm giving Harry's mom a break, and some days I see the last little bit of stretch marks on my hip and it makes me sick. And I think it's always going to be like this."

Remus inhales sharpy. He's not sure why it's surprising, the idea of there being some magical cure all that was going to make things all better for him. 

James shuffles a little closer, smoothing a hand over the blanket.

"Can I... can I tell you something that I've never told anyone. Not Regulus, not Sirius, not my mom, no one."

"I guess." Remus sniffs, looking over at James wearily.

"When I found out I was pregnant with Harry, my first thought was how dare my body do this to me." James says softly, his eyes far away, "I couldn't believe it. I thought it was worst flu I'd ever had, and then when we went to the ER and they said I was pregnant, I wanted to ask them to take care of it."

"But you didn't."

"I didn't." James agrees, but his eyes still look far away, "But it was still hard. Every time my pants wouldn't button, every time someone asked me when I was due or touched me, I just... I hated it. I stopped having sex with Regulus for seven months because I hated my body."

Oh. 

Oh, James.

James, who's always looking out for everyone else. James, the glue who holds everything together. James, who's never anything but happy and bright.

James, who is the world's best father. The most doting, wonderful father that Remus has ever seen, and you'd never think he was meant to be anything else but a dad. 

If he felt the way he did being the person he was, there was no hope for Remus, who couldn’t even hold his baby. 

"What the fuck am I supposed to do, James?"

"You're supposed to love him, Remus, and I think you do."

"I can't! I can't love him, James!" Remus cries, his chest heaving as his body fights agaisnt the uncomfortable pain that's wracking it.

Subtle waves like earlier, but now its the raw, terrible pain that comes from the stitches that are holding broken, ugly skin together, and an ache in his chest that he can't place.

Maybe it's how heavy and full he feels, sensitive against the starch of the hospital gown and sore in ways that shouldn't be happening to him, or maybe it's the breaking of his heart.

"Why?" James asks, and he's crying too, but he's laughing. 

Laughing, a moment of beauty in the middle of lunacy, and it doesn't make sense to him.  James is laughing, shaking his head, looking at Remus like he knows something that Remus doesn't yet, and it's making him feel worse.

"Because I can't keep him!" He sobs, his tears slipping under the hem line of the gown, wet and hot and awful.

"Why?" 

Why?

Why?

"Sirius doesn't want a baby-"

"Sirius has been sitting in the nursery for the last four hours with him!" James says, incredulous. Like he can't believe that Remus would be so stupid, as if it was just as simple as that. "He's fed him twice, and really mastered the whole sleeping sitting up in a chair thing."

Remus snorts, because what does James know? James, who has all the love and support in the world. James, who had a baby and got married and has a life. James, who got nine months to adjust to all his hard work being undone within himself. James, who seemed to always get exactly what he wanted.

And it hurt.

It stung.

It wrecked him.

Because James was his best friend, and yet he's sitting here talking to Remus as if they're chatting about the weather, not the baby that Remus can't keep, and James is acting as if it's as simple as just loving him.

"He"ll hate me."

James just shakes his head, looking at Remus very seriously.

"You really don't see it? 

"See what?" He asks miserably.

"He's in love with you, Remus. You are literally everything to him. He passed over St. Cumberth's because he wouldn't be able to pass by your school on his way in and bring you lunch. He looks at you like you hung the moon every single time you open your mouth."

"No he doesn't."

"He hates Mumford and Sons."

Remus sits there, staring at James.

"He bought us tickets-"

"Because you mentioned how much you like them."

His brain isn't processing what's happening, that James would sit here and lie to him.

"Do you remember when you moved in?" Remus nodded slowly, letting the thoughts in his head shake around as much as they could, "He called me after you'd gone to bed and said 'James, I think I'm in love.' "

Please stop.

Please don't do this. 

I can't take anymore, I cant do this, please.

"I can't keep him, James. I can't do this."

"I thought the same thing, but-"

"I'm not you, James!" Remus all but shouts, his voice loud in the quiet room, and he expects the nurse to come back in at any second, "I'm not happy, or... or particularly good with kids. I don't know how to make a bottle, or hold them, or make them stop crying."

And it just keeps going on and on, the layers pulling back and piling into a messy heap on the floor as he unloads what's realistically a lifetime of issues onto James.

"I can barely take care of myself. Do you know how often I forget to take my anxiety medication? How often I wear the same pair of pajamas in a row if I don't have to leave the house? I can't cook, Sirius's dishwasher still perplexes me- I'm a fucking mess, James."

But James, always the optimist, keeps trucking on. Keeps unraveling the very careful threads that are stitching Remus together right now. 

"You're a wonderful person, Remus. You're so bright, and funny, and I've had your sugar cookies before, they're wonderful."

"Those weren't even mine, they were my mum's."

"Who gives a fuck?"

"About the cookies?"

"About any of it Remus?" James asks, his eyes wide as he looks at him, "Who cares if you can't cook, or use a dishwasher, or make a bottle? All you have to do is love him, and the rest will just fall into place."

Remus wants to believe him.

Wants to so bad. 

But he doesn't know how to.

"He needs more than love, James. He needs parents who can take care of him. Sirius and I - we work different shifts, we barely see each other as it is. He has a life outside of me- fuck, we aren't even dating. You can sit here and tell me he loves me all you want, but he's never told me."

"Do you love him?"

The question catches Remus off guard, his thoughts suddenly stopping as he squints over at James.

"Sirius? I'd go to the ends of the Earth for him. I'd give him my heart, my soul, all these ugly, wonderful things inside of me if it meant he was happy. I think I've loved him in every single lifetime, across all the galaxies and . I love him enough to not do this to him."

James smiles, and it's a little sad, and a little soft, and Remus knows he's losing this battle now. 

"And the baby?"

"I love him enough to know that I'm no good for him."

James looks at him, kind and loving and Remus wants to punch him.

"I don't think that's true, and I think you know that."

"James, please-"

"No, no, just... just listen to me, Remus, please." 

And Remus, because it's James, does just that. Snaps his mouth shut, clenching his jaw and staring hard at the other man.

"I didn't come in here to tell you to keep him if you don't want him, or if you really can't keep him. But I've seen him, Remus, and he's beautiful,  and I've seen Sirius with him, and he's in love, and I- I just don't want to see you get hurt in all this. I don't want you to make a decision because you're scared."

Remus scoffs, his eyes going wide as tears stsrt to shine in the corners of them.

"Scared? I'm bloody fucking terrified, James. I didnt- I didn't know I was pregnant. I grew an entire baby, and I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to get past it, I don't know what to do about it. I just- I want him to be happy, and I don't know if he would have that with me."

James signs, nodding slowly, considering all the things before leaning forward suddenly and wrapping Remus in a hug.

"I think... I think we've all been so wrapped up in the baby that we forgot to take care of you too, Remus. And I'm so sorry about that."

And there goes the last piece of his broken heart, wrenching and wiggling and breaking off, falling away into the depths of his body, and Remus is tired. 

So fucking tired, and confused, and sad, so, so, so sad. Sad and alone, and James is telling him all these things and it seems so... easy. Like Sirius could love him the way Remus loves Sirius. Like they could have a baby, and love it, and take care of it, and it's all too much.

"What do I do, James?"

"I can't tell you that it's going to be easy, and I can't make a choice for you. But I can tell you, no matter what, you'll be loved and supported. I don't know what it will look like, but you won't be alone in this."

Then James stands, stretching out him limbs and rolling his neck before turning and moving toward the door.

"Where are you going?" Remus calls, unable to hop out of the bed to follow him.

James turns back, a wry little smile on his lips again as he pauses with the door halfway open.

"I'm going to get the Sirius- and he's going to bring you your baby."

---

We all break a little when we fall

And everybody keeps saying,

“Get up, get up”

-

“Go on, get up”

 

Notes:

We've got James here!

James is hard for me to write, so please be gentle with me🫠

My sweet boys, things are finally slotting into place for them❤️

only one-ish chapters left. (ish because there mayyyyy be a flashback chapter in the works, we will see how that goes)

 

title song is The Fall by Gregory Alan Isakov, if you only listen to one song that I swiped the titles for this story from, let it be this one❤️

Chapter 5: lead me to the place where no one ever goes

And I think we'd survive in the wild

We would eat plants and roots and dream about electric fans

-

Baby do you think about the past?

Do you wonder if every stupid little thing has led us to this?

---

"Pads?" 

Sirius hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep, curled up with his son against his chest and his head tipped back against the uncomfortable edge of the fold out chair. He stirs quickly, his grip on the baby tightening.

"Hey!" It's James, looking far too bright and cheery for as worn down as everyone else is, his big brown eyes even bigger behind his coke bottle glasses that went out of style with John Lennon, "Welcome back to the land of the living."

"Jesus," He yawns, shifting just the slightest bit to reposition his elbows, "How long was I out?"

"A while." Regulus says stiffly from the same chair that he'd been perched in for as long as they'd been there.

"Shit, and when did you get here?" He questions James, moving the baby just slightly again as he began to wiggle and squirm against his chest.

"About two hours ago."

"Two hours? Have you just been watching me sleep?"

James shares a look with Regulus, one that usually doesn't bode well for Sirius.

One that comes with secrets and promises that don't have anything to do with him, things that his brother and best friend will keep between themselves for the rest of time no matter how badly Sirius wants to know.

"I brought you a change of clothes, and some toiletries if you want to freshen up." James says instead, holding out a bag to Sirius that most certainly came from his own apartment.

Okay.

They're not going to talk about it, then.

"The way my dear, darling husband stated that makes it sound like a suggestion." Regulus cuts in, crinkling his nose in a way that reminds Sirius so much of their mother it makes him want to punch him, "Go freshen up, please. You are covered in I don't even know what, and you've got a very... distinct odor to you."

He opens his mouth to make some kind of comment about them ganging up on him, but he doesn't get a chance to call them out on it before the baby snuggled on his chest let's out a wail of indignation, his hands turning to fists and waving about.

Sirius starts to bounce him gently, settling him against his chest again in an effort to quiet him- and also maybe to prove to James and Regulus that he's competent and can make the baby stop crying. 

"I think it's about time Little James had another bottle." James hummed, settling down into a folding chair beside Regulus.

Sirius thinks it's funny that he and James are on the same wavelength about their jokes, but before he mentions it Regulus just rains on his parade.

"You are not calling him that." He cuts in as Sirius looks down at the baby, "But yes, I think you're right."

The baby is smacking his lips, his little head turning from side to side as he thumps his forehead once- twice against Sirius's collarbone, his cheeks starting to flush as he looks for something beyond what his bleary little eyes can see.

"Give him here, I'll feed him." James says, making grabby hands at the baby.

But for just a second, Sirius hesitates. Doesn't want to hand over the baby, just wants to keep him curled up against him where he's safe. 

But it's James.

And if the baby is safe with anyone, it's him. So he relents, passing the baby over carefully to James and stretching out his stiff limbs as Regulus fishes through the cabinets for another pre made bottle. 

James is careful, gentle, resting the baby in the crook of his arm and tucking him into his chest as he waits for Regulus to bring him the formula, and for a moment it reminds Sirius of when Harry was a baby.

Not all that long ago, not even three years at this point, and he remembers watching Regulus and James holding their own newborn.  How happy they looked, and how tired, and how scared.

Sirius hadn't understood it then, but he does now.

"There's a bathroom down the hall." Regulus sniffs as Sirius all but climbs out of the chair he'd been in for few hours. 

Has to unpeel himself, then stretches out his stiff limbs with a crack and a pop, and then just... doesn't move.

Can't move, because his entire world is suddenly centered around this little person and James is holding him, and he's right there and he's fine and he's safe but James is holding him, and Sirius isn't.

He feels empty, his arms too light, his movement too free and unencumbered, and it feels wrong now that he's held that precious, specific weight.

Sirius turns pleading eyes toward Regulus, whose finally found the bottles and is preparing one in the sink. It takes his brother a moment to realize Sirius is staring at him, he gives him a very annoyed, very knowing look.

"Good god man, we aren't going to steal the baby." He says, and for a second it stirs up some deep fear inside of him that doesn't make any sense.

That he has a baby now, and someone could take him. Someone could take him, or this could happen, or that, and he's helpless to stop any of it from happening.

It's all consuming for a moment, the fear and madness of it all, and fuck the baby is so small in James's arms and what if he drops him?

What if Sirius drops him.

What if Sirius falls asleep holding him?

Don't babies just... forget how to breathe?

Ohgodohgodohgodohgod-

"Sirius!" Regulus snaps, shouldering past him on his way back to his own husband, and snapping him out of his spiral, "Please go clean yourself up."

And then James calls to him from the chair, his son held in his arms.

"Oh, and I saw Remus."

Sirius whips around to look at James, his heart slamming in his chest.

Fuck

"He's awake?" 

Fuck

"Yep."

Fuckfuckfuckfuck

He should have gone in there.

He should have stayed by his side.

He didn't even check on him, was too busy making over the baby and being angry.

He was angry, he was so fucking angry that he didn't go see him and now-

"Why would you do that? He doesn't want..."

And well, Sirius doesnt really know what Remus wants, does he? Hasn't gone in there to see him, hasn't asked him if he's okay, hasn't done anything he should have done. 

He's not angry at Remus, he's really not. But he doesn't understand why. Or maybe he does, maybe he understands it all, but the baby that he's holding right now needs him.

"He wants to see the baby, Pads." James says softly, taking the offered bottle from Regulus, "But I think it's best you go in there alone first."

He wants to see the baby.

James talked to him, and he wants to see the baby.

"Right, right." Sirius nods, turning and grabbing the door handle so hard that he fears it might break off in his hand, "Okay then."

The bag of clothes and shampoo lays forgotten in his chair.

---

The room is dark, the blinds drawn and the lights off, and the only thing giving some light is the monitors over the bed that are beeping softly.

Remus is sitting up in bed, chewing at his fingers anxiously as he stares up at the ceiling.

Sirius's breathes, creeping slowly toward Remus's bedside like he's walking up on a horse, one hand out like he's scared he'll spook him if he moves too quickly.

"Hi."

Remus shoots up in the bed, just barely hiding a grimace of pain as he looks at Sirius in the darkness. 

Downright stares at him, doesn't once let his eyes stray as he tries to relax his body as well as he probably could at this time. Sirius stares right back, but he stops moving.

Stops breathing, and it's so quiet in the room, and Sirius thinks all it's going to take is one wrong move to shatter the whole thing.

And then finally, so quietly Sirius thinks he might have imagined it for a moment, Remus speaks.

"Hi."

They keep looking at each other, a million different things rising up and threatening to boil over; flood the whole room and drown them where they stand.

"You okay?"

Remus hums, shrugging noncommittally as he sits back in the bed, his eyes stealing a glance in Sirius's direction.

"I had a baby."

Sirius doesn't move, stays rooted in spot for a moment longer as he lets his breath out in a soft whoosh and treads the rough waters as best he can.

"Yes, you did."

Remus looks at him fully now, his eyes scarily blank as he just blinks.

They keep staring at each other, neither one of them daring to back down first.

How could you do this?

How could you leave him?

Why havent you asked for him before now?

 

I'm hurt. 

I'm broken.

I'm in pieces

On display for all of you to see what a fraud I am.

He deserves better.

You deserve better.

 

But in the end, Remus is the one who breaks first.

"James came by."

"I know."

"Of course you do."

Then the silence comes back, so loud and staticy as they try to navigate what's going to happen now. 

Remus isn't okay, and Sirius isn't okay, and neither of them can fix that. There's no getting past it, no bottling it up and tucking it away, no fucking about it on the couch, there's nothing to do but dive straight in.

And Sirius can't make himself take that step off the diving board. Can't make himself open his stupid fucking mouth and try to wrap it all up with a nice little bow.

He can't, he just can't.

But it doesn't matter, because Remus breaks first again anyways."

"Is he... okay?" He asks softly, his eyes cast up toward the ceiling as Sirius stands there.

Sirius breathes out, nodding slowly. 

"Yeah, yeah. He's good. He um... he looks like me."

And Sirius thinks this should get something out of Remus. 

Or maybe, very selfishly, he hopes it does.

But Remus doesn't move though, just keeps laying there in the bed staring at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry."

Sirius moves a little closer.

Just a half step really, his hand still up in defense of whatever is coming his way.

"For what?"

Remus doesn’t answer straight away, instead he just turns his head and looks over at Sirius.

"I had a baby."

His voice is cold, hollow, carefully neutral in a way that freezes Sirius's blood in his veins.

It's the bathroom again, and Remus won't look at the baby, and he's looks so fucking blank as he's bleeding on the floor, and there's blood on his hands, and fuck Sirius is going back to therapy after all this. 

And Remus must realize it too, because after a second a great sigh passes by them as he cuts his eyes away again,

"I had your baby," He says softly, "And maybe in some other universe I would be jumping with joy because I had your baby, but I'm... I'm fucking leaking, Sirius."

He gestures roughly at his chest, hidden beneath the hospital smock and yet somehow still obviously in pain.

And that's the moment that Sirius realizes Remus is crying.

Not as hard as he was the last time he saw him, but enough that there's silvery ribbons sliding down his cheeks.

"My body is doing things that I never wanted it to do. It's- it's bleeding, and it's leaking, and I'm so sore, and tired, and I had your baby, and I didn't even know I was pregnant, and I'm just... I'm fucking sorry, Sirius."

He gestures down at himself for emphasis, a grimace of malice on his face, and Sirius wonders for a moment if Remus really does hate him for doing this to him.

In another universe I would be jumping for joy.

In another universe I would be happy. 

In another universe I would want to do this with you.

Remus is sorry.

Remus didn't want to do this to him, or didn't want to do this with him, he's not sure.

Doesn't know, and may never know, but right now Remus is falling apart, and Sirius has to pick up all those broken little pieces and find a way to mend them back together.

The tears come again, his body tense and small in the starch whiteness of the sheets. Broken, ugly sobs as his heart breaks into a million pieces right in front of Sirius.

"Remus, baby," Sirius tells him, his hand reaching for his, "You don't need to be sorry."

"Yes, I do! I didn't know- I didn't know and now he's here and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this better."

"I dont think you can make this better. I think you just have to work through it."

And it breaks Sirius's heart to say it. 

"What do I do, Sirius?" He asks, his voice so small and tired.

Cuts it right in half when Remus starts begging him for answers he can't positively give.

"I had a fucking baby, and I can't even look at him!" Remus yells. Actually yells, a lifetime of hurt and anger and fear there all laid out in neat little piles for everyone to see. 

Sirius is quick to gather him up, mindful of the wires and the brief mentions of stitches from Dorcas, and shushes him, pressing his face into his shoulder and resting his head on the crown of Remus's.

And it must be bad, must be absolute hell, because Remus let's himself be held.

Let's himself sob into Sirius's shoulder unabashedly, and there were times when Sirius would wish he could have been this close to the other man, but now isn't that time.

No, now it feels forced, and heavy, and wrong.

So wrong, and Sirius is now nothing more than a pretty songbird in a gilded cage, tucked up on a shelf and waiting for the big hands of whatever monster holds the key to the cage to come rip this all away from him.

"I didn't- I can't- he's just been sitting in the nursery all alone, and-"

"He wasn't alone, I had him, Remus."

Remus looks at him, skeptical at best.

"I know, James told me. It doesn't change the fact that he was alone before you got here."

"You were in shock. You're body did something that most people have almost a year to adjust to in fifteen minutes."

Remus doesn't say anything, just keeps staring at him with eyes that don't tell him too much.

Not enough, and Sirius doesn't know what's going on in his mind, but he's gonna keep on pushing that boundary until it gives.

Because thats what Sirius does.

"I've been with him, and his Uncle James and Uncle Reggie have him now."

"What?" Remus chokes out.

"I know, I always forget how good Regulus was with Harry when he was a baby, it's almost-" But then Remus is sobbing, crying harder than maybe even in the bathroom, and Sirius just clams up, "Remus?" 

"I haven't held him, Sirius!" Remus shudders out, clinging to Sirius's arms so hard he thinks he'll have matching cresent moon scars on them and his thighs before this is all said and done.

"You've held him, and James has held him, and fucking Regulus, and all the doctors and the nurses and the paramedics- they've all held him, and I haven't."

All you have to do is ask.

All you have to do is say the word, and I'll get him.

But he can't say that, because that's too much.

Too much, and he always has been, but not now.

Now he's tiptoeing, walking on eggshells around the room and bleeding out from the broken pieces of Remus he's trying to hold together, but what else can he do?

"I thought of names."

"What?"

Remus looks at him, really, truly looks at him now. Naked, haunted, he's on display for the whole world to see.

A circus display, up on the marquee, Come see Remus Lupin fall apart.

"I thought of a name for him, Sirius. James came in here and told me he was a boy and I - fuck - I had one that I just... I couldn't stop thinking about his face when you left us in the bathroom and I just - it's his name."

Oh.

Oh.

"What is it?" 

Remus laughs roughly, wiping at his face with the back of his hand before shaking his head.

"It doesn't matter."

"Why?"

"We can't keep him, Sirius." 

"Why not?"

Remus sputters for a second, choking and fumbling and trying to get his bearings, and Sirius wondered if he thought he wasn't going to put up a fight.

"We don't- we can't make it work."

Fat fucking chance.

"What can't we make work?"

"You work third shift! I go to school for seven hours a day, three days a week, and I can't imagine that admin is going to be pleased with a screaming baby-"

"The hospital has a childcare center that takes kids starting at six weeks, and I get eight weeks paid paternity leave. That's eight weeks to figure out how to do this."

But Remus isn't letting go that easy, shaking his head and getting the momentum going. 

Fight me on this, please.

Tell me I'm wrong.

"We don't have a bed for him! Or- or clothes, or diapers, or anything."

"I have a two year old nephew, you really think that James and Regulus don't have totes upon totes of baby stuff in storage?"

'And where is he going to sleep? We don't have a third bedroom."

And he looks triumphant, like he's won this thing. But he hasnt, because Sirius isn't backing down.

"Easy, you move into my room and he gets yours."

Remus pulls a face.

"You dont mean that."

"I've wanted you in my bed every single night for the last two years."

"You don't mean that." Remus says, his voice suddenly very shrill as his cheeks blush.

"I do mean it, all of it Remus."

"Sirius..."

And he doesn't know why, but theres something about the way Remus says his name.

Like he's tired, and of course he's tired, and he's scared, and he's been alone, and that's SSirius's ault.

All his fault, and he's going to spend his entire life making up for this mistake, and the countless others he has and will make, but right now he has to fix this. 

No idea how, or why, but the only thing he can think to do is the same thing that started all of this. 

So Sirius leans in, cupping Remus's face gently and turning the other man to look at him.

"I could wax poetry to you, about you, if you wanted. You make me feel all these ugly, wonderful things, Remus. I-"

And then he kisses him.

Not urgently, not with a purpose. 

Or well, there is a purpose, but its not the usual one.

An apology; I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me.

A promise, all the things he wants to say and can't because in any other lifetime it would never work. 

But they're here now, and Remus is shoving at his arms, his shoulders, but he's kissing him back and there are tears on Sirius's face and he doesn't know if they're his or they're Remus's but it doesn't matter.

The second their lips part they have to go back to this terrible reality and make decisions and choices and figure things out, but right now Remus is kissing him back in the softest way, and Sirius thinks, if it's possible, he's falling even more in love.

And they do eventually break apart, Sirius still cupping Remus's face and Remus still clinging to his arms.

"I'm so in love with you." He breathes into the air, their faces inches apart, "I'm so in love with you, and I'm sorry."

I'm sorry that I didn't come with you.

I'm sorry that I left you to deal with this alone.

I'm sorry I waited all this time to tell you these things.

"I can't- I can't do this to you."

And, as if it's possible for him to become anymore selfish, Sirius just laughs and shakes his head.

"Yes, you can." 

"I can't-" Remus sobs, but he looks like he might want to laugh, and it doesn't make any sense at all, but Sirius loves it.

"Okay, fine, you're right. You can't do this to me- But I can do this to myself."

"Please don't do this to me," Remus sobs, looking up at Sirius desperately, streams of tears running down his face and his eyes are so puffy and red he looks ill.

"Don't do what, baby?"

"Don't give me hope."

"Don't give you hope?"

Remus looks at him, exasperated, put out, like he's begging Sirius to just let it go and stop asking him. Let him sit here and rot rather than talk about feelings.

"Don't... don't let me hope that you mean all of this. That we can make this work, that it's going to be okay."

And Sirius isn't going to do this.

Isn't going to sit here and let Remus make excuses and talk himself out of it.

So he grabs his fsce again, and it might have been a little rough and he adds that to the list of things he needs to apologize for but not right now.

Right now Remus is going to listen to what he was to say.

"Listen, I can't tell you that it's going to be okay, or that it isn't going to be hard. But I have been sitting in the nursery with our son for two hours. I am covered head to toe in body fluids, and blood, and formula because the fucking lids don't click on the bottles like I thought they did."

If Remus wants this baby- if he thought of names and worried over him being alone in the nursery, then he deserved to know exactly where Sirius stands.

"And I'm here, standing right in front of you, and I'd fucking marry you right this second if I could. I don't care about the leaking and the bleeding and all of that. I think you are beautiful every moment of every day. I love you, I have loved you since the moment I met you."

And it's too much, and its not enough, but Sirius doesn't think anything is ever going to be enough again.

It's a last stand, a desperate plea.

"And if... if you don't want this, I'd never hold it against you. If you needed time to think about it, I'll be right here. Just... I need you to know that I'm all in."

Don't make me pick.

Don't make me do this, Remus, please.

I love you

I love him

"You want him?"

And the whole world stops spinning.

Just stops mid rotation, everything around them frozen, and this is it.

This is the end of it all, and the beginning of it all.

"More than anything."

And for a few long seconds, Remus doesn't say anything.

He's scared; a deer in the headlight, one wrong step and off the side of the cliff you go.

He looks terrified, but theres something else there. 

Like he's about to do something incredibly brave.

"... would you ask the nurse to bring him in?"

And Sirius doesn't answer, because there's nothing else to say.

So instead he just leans up and presses the call button on the bed handle, his eyes never once leaving Remus's as they wait for the nurse to pick up.

---

You know you're beautiful

But that ain't half the gold treasure in your soul

What you got 'cause I want it all

-

Please don't let me fall

Notes:

Okay listen, I know I said that there was only one more chapter after the last one, but then the spirit of Sirius Black took over me and made me split the chapter because it was just growing and growing and growing out of control and this gave me a little more control over the word dumps.

Please enjoy whatever the hell this is.

 

also the title song is beige by Yoke Lore.

I know I said that if I was picking one song for you to listen to it was the Fall but seriously listen to this song while reading the chapter, it's transcending. The song is literally like an ode to Sirius by Remus in my head, and I feel the need to share that with you all.

Chapter 6: let's beat the storm and be on our way

Summary:

The end, and a beginning.

This might not be an easy time

There's rivers to cross and hills to climb

Some days we might fall apart

And some nights might feel cold and dark

---

Remus Lupin is many things.

He's book smart, and he'd like to say he's a good friend. He's good at making tea, and he's a mama's boy, and there's all these things that he knows that he is.

But he is not brave.

Not now, and he never has been, and he's sitting in this bed, waiting for one of those moments where it splits your life into before and after.

Before he met his son, and as there's a knock at the door, after.

After the nurse brings him in.

After the nurse hands him over.

After Remus holds his baby for the first time.

He's heavy, which Remus wasn't expecting at all. Too heavy to have hidden inside him for nine months, and yet somehow he did, and he's... absolutely perfect.

His hair dark and long, flipping up into soft, downy curls around his pink ears. A soft little pout and a dimple on his chin, and hes the most amazing thing Remus has ever seen. 

"I'm sorry."

He's said it a thousand times, and he'll say it a thousand more, but this is the first time hes said it to his baby. 

Presses his lips right up into the downy hair at the crown of his head, unbelievably soft and whispy. He smells like Johnson and Johnsons, and underneath that a heady, earthy smell that fills Remus's nose in a way he doesn't like.

"I love him. I love him so much."

"I knew you did."

Remus pulls his face away from his baby's head and looks over at Sirius with a surprised expression. 

"How?"

Sirius blinks, twistimg his mouth up for a second.

"When um... when he was born, you told me not to let him hit the floor. You hadn't even gotten him out yet, and you loved him enough to make sure he was safe despite what was happening to you."

And even if it hurts, even if it damn near kills him, Remus remembers.

Remembers thinking that the tile was cold and hard, and that he was splitting in two. That it was never going to end, and Sirius had told him to slow down but he wasn't even in control of himself anymore. 

Sirius had caught the baby, and Remus hadn't even looked at him, and suddenly he's spiraling into a funnel of guilt and stuff hatred so vicious it brings tears to his eyes. 

What kind of parent doesn't look at their child?

This was a mistake. 

The baby deserved better.

He couldn't do this. 

No

No

No

But theres a beacon in the storm, the same one he'd weathered every single other one through with. There's tears in his eyes, and Sirius is just standing there, waiting for Remus to break first; and of course he will, because he always does like clockwork. 

"Come here." Remus says, and that's all it takes. 

Sirius toes off his trainers and uses his foot to push them haphazardly under the bed before climbing in beside Remus. 

Scoots over, coming shoulder to shoulder with him, and looks down the line of his body to where their baby is curled against his chest.

He's sleeping soundly, belly down against Remus's chest, his feet tucked up in his swaddle as Remus traces a finger over the tip of the baby's nose.

"What are you thinking?" Sirius whispers, reverent of the moment.

"I'm thinking I was right." He mumbles back as he inspects the tiny bundle in his arms.

"About what?"

His chest aches, and its not all from the overflow that's spilling out of him. Its something in his heart, a dull pain that wracks him with something insurmeasureable.

"Edward." Remus whispers, a single finger coming up to pull the blanket a bit further back from the baby's face.

Like some secret he was supposed to keep, but now its out there in the open and Sirius knows and there's no turning back.

"Edward?" Sirius echoes, looking down at the baby who had just been the baby, but now might be Edward, and that's a lot to take in.

It's the name.

It's his name.

Something to call him by, something that they would remember forever. 

He had picked it out, said it outloud, and that makes this real.

Sirius looks at him, and then looks at Edward, and maybe its too much. Too much of a name for such a tiny little thing, 

But then Sirius just nods, leaning over and adjusting his son's little knit hat.

"Edward...John?" He ponders, looking the baby over again before nodding, "Yeah, John is good. Edward John Lupin."

"John is my- wait, Lupin?" Remus questions, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Well he's certainly not going to be a Black," Sirius snorts, giving Remus a startled look, "Good Lord Remus, not even Regulus wanted Harry to carry on the name."

Then he pauses, mouthing the name a few times before asking softly "Teddy for short?"

"Teddy Lupin." Remus says, chewing the words carefully and letting it simmer for a moment before looking down at the baby, who is suddenly very awake and staring up at him with those cloudy grey eyes, "That's got a ring to it, eh? Do you fancy being called Teddy?" 

The baby - Teddy - just blinks in response, his gaze slow and blank as he takes in his surroundings.

"He might recognize your voice," Sirius says softly, "There's studies that show that babies can pick up on familiar voices that they heard in the womb."

Remus shudders at the word womb, a thing that doesn't go missed by Sirius. He looks up from where hes been focused on the baby and shares a look with him.

"Is it too much?"

He's all tangled up inside, too many muddled feelings for him to wrap his head around right now.

He's a parent now.

He's got a baby.

A whole person that he'll now have to take care of, and maybe Remus is spiraling a little bit from all of this.

"Yes."

Sirius moves to take the baby from him, and then there's a sudden panic at the idea of the baby actually leaving his arms. Like hes waited so long to hold him that if he lets go he doesnt know what he'll do.

And although Remus is still disgusted with his body, and what had happened, but his heart feels like its going to break right in half if he lets Teddy go even for a second.

Luckily Sirius gets the memo and backs off, still sitting up looking at Remus with a flicker of concern- that desperate need to meddle and widdle at the problem until its raw and exposed so that he can fix it.

"Are you okay?"

There's a very long pause as Remus thinks about it, not once taking his eyes off the baby. 

"I... I'm not sure that I'm going to be okay for a really long time."

Sirius nods, pressing a little closer to Remus.

"I may never want to have sex with you again."

"That's okay-" Sirius rushes to say, his heart in his throat, "That's... that's fine. We'll take it one step at a time."

Remus turns his head to look at him, and eyebrow cocked.

"You are fine with never having sex again?"

"If it means you would be okay, then yes." Sirius says earnestly, lifting Remus's hand gently from the covers and kissing the knuckles,  "I love you, Moons."

Moons.

And just like that, they're back to nicknames. 

They're back to reality, and it's harsh and it's crushing down around them, and for a moment Remus can't breathe.

He's spent the last six hours in shock, thinking he was going back to an apartment he didn't belong in empty handed after having a baby he never even saw.

Thought he was giving up his entire life, but now everything else in the entire universe is dwarfed in comparison to this little boy curled up on his chest, and Sirius is calling him Moons, and he loves him.

And maybe everything is going to be okay.

---

"So, what now?" Sirius asks, his eyes never once leaving Teddy's face as they stare down at him.

Remus sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face before finally breaking away from the baby and looking over at Sirius.

"I should probably call my mum." 

---

Remus's parents live in a very nice condo in Tenby, Wales. It's a coastal town, and Sirius knows this because Remus had gone home for Christmas last year and brought them all back a little souvenir from a beach front shop there.

They're delightful people, Remus had assured him several times before the first time he'd sat in on a video chat with Hope and Lyall, Just a bit bonkers, if they say anything weird just ignore it.

And they are really, truly delightful people in every conceivable idea of the words. But Siriys can't help but swallow nervously as he sat across from Remus on the bed, holding a sleeping Teddy to his chest as the phone call clicks on when Hope picks up.

"Hiya Mum," Remus says softly, holding the phone in two hands as he sits up cross legged in the bed as best he can.

"Hello love," His mum calls, and Sirius can picture Hope Lupin as if she were right there in the room with them, "Got your father here with me, just had some supper."

"Hiya Pally!" Remus's father, Lyall, calls from somewhere further away, and Sirius imagines he probably waved because Remus waves at the phone.

"Hi Dad. Alright?"

"Yeah, cant complain, had some wicked storms here in the last-"

"Oh, darling," Hope cuts her husband off, "Are you poorly? 

Remus flushes at the question, dropping one hand from the phone to cover his stomach as if it hurts suddenly. He spares a quick, nervous glance up at Sirius before shaking his head at his mother.

"I... no. I'm not poorly, just had a bit of dramatic evening is all."

Hope tuts, the phone shaking and shifting as she moved around her little condo in Wales, completely oblivious to the fact that she's a grandmother now.

"Is anyone there with you?"

And then Remus blushes harder somehow, his cheeks downright ruddy as he once again looks over at Sirius and Teddy before addressing Hope.

"Yeah, er, Sirius is here." 

"That the one with the hair?" Lyall calls out, coming to stand beside Hope.

Sirius laughs, and Teddy stirs at the sound. He shifts, wiggles, and the squeaks out a little cry of annoyance at suddenly being awake in the bright room with all the loud things that sound so unfamiliar.

"I like him." Hope says, very seriously. 

"Yeah, yeah that's him..." Remus mumbles, eyes shooting up when Teddy lets out that soft hiccupy cry, "There's someone else here too that I think you'd like to meet him."

There's a pause, a soft shuffle on Remus's parents end of the line, and then Hope's voice comes through.

"Go on then, love. We love meeting your friends."

"He's not... not a friend, exactly." Remus scrunches his nose, looking over at Sirius for just a second, "Probably shouldn't be, might cause some issues further down the road."

Then Remus looks at Sirius, and there's a pleading look in his eyes. 

Are we really doing this? 

Should I hang up the phone?

But no, he has to do this. Even Remus knows this. So he just swallows hard, and takes a deep breath, and then holds the phone up and flips the camera to show Sirius holding a now awake and slightly irritated Teddy.

"Well look at that!" Lyall laughs, and Sirius thinks his heart might just melt at the delight on the old Welsh man's face as he sees Teddy for the first time, "Whos that little fellow?"

"Mum, Dad... this is Teddy."

But Hope isnt quite as slow to catch on as he husband, who's making soft clicking sounds and faces at Teddy.

Hope stares at the baby, and Teddy just stares back at Lyall, unimpressed by the man's antics. 

"Whose baby is that?" Hope asks, her voice deadly quiet.

"He's mine- er, actually, he's ours." Remus answers, nodding at Sirius.

Lyall catches on then, the silly faces hes making at the baby coming to a screeching end.

"Come again?"

"Remus John Lupin!" Hope cries, her hands coming up to cover her mouth in shock, "Why didn't you tell us?"

"I'm sorry, " Remus says softly, and Sirius can see the beginning of tears settling into his eyes now, "I'm so sorry-"

"-we didnt know," Sirius adds, shifting Teddy and coming to sit beside Remus on the bed so they can both be in the frame, "We had no idea Remus was... expecting until he was about to deliver."

"Oh-" Hope's eyes widen, and then in a very similar manner to her son, her eyes begin to spring tears, "Were you there when he had him?"

"Yes," He nods quickly, leaning forward on the bed to curl up a bit closer to the phone, "I was there the whole time. He did great."

Theres a sudden shuffling of the phone, and then Lyall Lupin's right eye and part of his forehead becomes the only thing visible on the screen.

"You're okay,  Pally?" Lyall asks quietly, his face oddly stoic.

"Yeah, Dad, I'm alright."

Lyall nods, letting his face soften as his eye turns back to Teddy.

"He's beautiful. You did good." 

Remus sniffles softly, turning his head away from the screen and burying his face in Sirius shoulder with a quiet sob.

And then the screen shifts again, freezing and pixelating for a moment before Hope comes back into focus.

"We're booking the first flight out in the morning- Lyall, fire up the Chromebook!" 

---

"So, what now?" Sirius asks softly, looking down at their son curled against Remus's chest.

Remus shrugs, his eyes never leaving Teddy as he brushes a single finger over the tip of his nose.

"You want him?" Remus breathes out into the quiet air, looking over at Sirius.

"Yes."

And then, with much less certainty 

"You want... me?"

Sirius smiles softly, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to Remus's forehead.

"More than anything."

Remus nods, letting his head drop onto Sirius's shoulder, shifting the baby slightly so that hes cuddled closer to Sirius.

"Then I guess we'll just have to figure it out together."

Sirius nods, resting his head on top of Remus's, which is settled on his shoulder. He reaches out slowly, tracing over Teddy's tiny knuckles. 

The baby jerks his hand and spreads his fingers, catching hold of Sirius's pinky.

"Yeah," Sirius breathes, his finger gripped by Teddy's, "Together."

---

But nobody wins, afraid of losing

And the hard roads are the ones worth choosing

Someday we'll look back and smile

And know it was worth every mile

Notes:

That's all folks!

I hope you guys have enjoyed this story as much as I've enjoyed writing it for you❤️

thank you so much for your kudos, comments, and bookmarks, I see them and I think about them all the time, and want you to know just how much it means to me to share these stories with you guys❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
 

There may be a flashback chapter at some point, back to the very beginning of things, but this is the conclusion of our main story line, all wrapped up with a nice little bow

 
as always, stay magical my loves❤️

 

forgot to add, title song is Starting Over by Chris Stapleton