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“I’m sorry I’m being so selfish and afraid and bad”
“Buck, hey you were abused. It’s not and will never be your fault.” Eddie tilts his head up and tugs him into his arms hugs him tight just like he likes it just so it brings him back to the surface a little. Buck needs that, a lot of times. Right now too. He clings into that supposed safety even if it’s not his to claim, not really. It was all his fault.
It’s a couple days later and Buck decides to approach Eddie since it’s been bouncing in his head all shift and he can’t get it out, “What did you mean?”
His boyfriend quirks up mid drying off the plate, ‘Huh?’
“I just mean. What do you mean about the thing you said a couple days ago when I was being all a lot”
“First you’re not a lot, secondly- you mean about the abuse?”
Buck nods, picking up the herb knife, he feels a bit disoriented.
“I’m sorry if I was out of line, but Buck- you were. Your parents neglected you, they emotionally abused you. You’re dealing with all of that plus more, and you keep expecting yourself to be this perfect shining example, which you don’t have to be. It’s okay you have bad days, I do too, Chris does, Bobby does, everyone does. It’s alright cariño, I love you, every single part of you”
Something is happening, everything is tilting a bit, his skin feels scratchy and wrong too tight maybe, a bit like drowning. Buck’s done that. The water is hot and he can feel the weight of the knife. Remember the noise, the rush, the- “I need you to take it” Buck sounds weird to his own ears, maybe a bit too harsh, he’s bad, rotten, defected.
“Wha- oh. Right, I’m going to slowly move in your field of vision and place my hand on yours, try to take a deep breath”
He barely registers the words, he can’t, Eddies hand moves in under the water breaking the stream and making the water cascade, his fingers carefully prying it out, Buck doesn’t think that he’s breathing as he was supposed to, useless.
“You’re alright we’re alright, do you want me to hold you for a bit, keep you safe?”
Buck nods in favour of saying anything, his throat feels so tight. Eddie sets the knife down on the dish tray, taking a firm hold on Bucks shoulder guiding him to the couch sitting them down and bundling Buck up in a blanket and in his arms which are folded around Bucks waist. Then Eddies hands come around his boyfriends wrists not tightly but nonetheless keeping them steadily in place. Buck presses his back further into eddies chest sliding down so his head is on Eddies shoulder, he’s warm and Buck can feel his chest rise and fall breath coming out steady, his skin aches for release. Trying to match the breaths Buck makes an effort to relax a little, trying not to fight, it’s for the better, but his nails feel as if they're trying to rip from his fingers as much as he wants it, needs it. Everything is tilted, and he might be drowning. Eddie is talking, hot air it seems, meaningless chatter serving only to pull Buck from the twilight zone, something about work, or Chris’ school projects, or his time in Texas, maybe a bit of it all. Stories he’s heard hundreds of times, everyday peace, he breaches the surface after what seems like hours, taking a breath, long deep, not waterlogged.
“There you are, you’re doing so good” slowly Eddie releases his grip checking a bit, the buzz has nearly gone and the new hand in Bucks hair is very welcome.
“You know yesterday?” Buck starts, his throat feels like medium grit sandpaper, it doesn’t quite hurt to talk, which he takes as a win, ‘Mhm’
“What I freaked over?” “I…” Buck shallow trying to just melt into Eddie his safety, his protection, “I don’t want to go, I thought” more tears threaten to burgeon and only then does he fully realise that he’d been crying, he pressed on, “I thought I was wrong, that I shouldn’t feel hurt, that it was so long ago I should have just moved on, but- I don’t want to see them- I don’t want them to pretend, that- I’m not me. That they always tried, that I wasn’t drowning, that I didnt-“ he heaves a breath, “Maddie had to pick me up once, from the ER, because I got in an accident but it wasn’t an accident, I was fine, but I wasn’t. Because I meant it- and they scolded me, and they pretended it was fine- because they never wanted me, so I wasn’t worth their effort- I’m not him, I’m me”
“Buck, I know. You’re beutiful just like this, you don’t have to be anything else, and you don’t have to forgive them or want to see them. You owe nothing, and there isn’t a ‘right’ way to feel or handle this. It’s your life baby.”
Sometimes it’s hard to believe a man like Eddie would ever consider being with someone like Buck, because Buck is undeniably sort of a wreck in progress. Not that Eddie doesn’t have his demons, just that Buck seems to fall apart at the drop of a hat sometimes, he’s a lot, too much maybe, even if Eddie would fight him on that.
He should call his sister, he wants to, but she would absolutely see him clear as day even through the phone line, and Buck doesn’t know if he can handle putting that on her, but he takes a breath and extends a hand, “I am going to call Maddie” Eddie hands over his phone, wherever Bucks phone has ended up it wasn’t worth it to look for it, because he’d chicken out by the time they found it. With another breath and leaning a bit into the hand petting his hair, Buck calls his sister, she picks up fairly quickly, “Eddie?” “Uh-uh just me” her tone softens into something less formal, something he always loves to hear, because she sounds so like her, his sister, love and care, “How are you?” “Fine” he doesn’t sound fine and he knows it, but it wasn’t why he’s calling, so before she can respond he continues, “I can’t come Saturday, to dinner, that is”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear, are you home, okay?” Okay was a substitute and he knows, because if she outright asked if he was safe he might bolt, it was part of the intricacies that have built up between them, it’s comforting, “I’m at Eddies, he’s here. I’m okay- I just. It’s not that I don’t want to see you, I just don’t want to see them. And I don’t want you to hate me”
“Evan, I could never ever hate you, you’re my baby brother, I love you so much.” It’s always okay when she does it, because she knows, she gets it. She isn’t looking through him, she is seeing all of him, and it’s a bit terrifying sometimes, to be that known, that she understands, but it’s also good, really good, he doesn’t have to pretend, “I love you too, and- I- maybe we can find another time? But also I’m scared, because- I’m all so- difficult. And I don’t want to be, promise. I really don’t want you to have to choose, or for Jee not to have grandparents, or for- for them to hate you, because I’m the problem. Because I can’t even think about seeing them without freaking out, and I should be able to. I should get over it. Because I broke the family and now I’m doing it again. I’m sorry” he’s full on crying again by the time he finishes, it’s embarrassing and far too much, but Maddie doesn’t even sound annoyed when she speaks again, “I wish I was there, to give you the biggest hug. Because Buck? You’re not breaking anything, you never ever broke the family, they did. You aren’t a mistake or a failed expiremnt or whatever else you might think, you’re excellent, the best uncle Jee could ever ask for, an amazing partner and father and my brother, my loveable brother, you can’t be perfect, you don’t have to be. It doesn’t make you less worthy, you’re worthy just as you are, you don’t have to prove that to anyone. I promise. We’re going to figure it all out, you matter so much to me, to everyone, we can figure all the big stuff out later. Right now, we’re just going to see what we can do about dinner this weekend. How does that sound” Buck sniffles a little, “Really good, thank you, for saying all that- you know sometimes my brain gets all messy” he’s fixated on a little torn part of his sweater sleeve, he burnt it off accidentally at some point, and pulling at the miss coloured fabric is at least something to do other than getting to lost in the depths.
Maddie gives a fond little sound and there’s some light rustling, she is probably finding her calendar, “Now if you’d like I can cover for you with mum and dad? Or you or I can tell them the truth, but I totally understand if you can’t deal with that right now”
“Can you just tell them I had to cover a shift or something?”
“Of course, do you still want to meet that day? Maybe for lunch, or would you rather not risk mum and dad coming into town early?”
“Maybe Wednesday, both Eddie and I are off shift?”
“I have a graveyard shift, it was a trade off, but I’m free for lunch”
“Sounds great, thank you for everything”
“Of course I love you”
“Love you too, see you then”
“See you”
Buck hands the phone back over and Eddie smiles softly, it’s endearing always has been, reserved but so real, Buck basks in it.
“I’m proud, that couldn’t have been easy. Do you want to just watch some tv take your mind off things?”
Buck nods, handing the remote over, Eddie hasn’t let him go, holding him as tightly though Buck has moved off his lap as to not squish him completely, even if he wouldn’t mind. Eddie turns on a sitcom, Friends specifically, it’s mindless for him and he doesn’t really need to engage, it’s perfect, this moment too. Buck feels as if all his energy and soul has been sucked out of him, he’s heavy and tired and maybe he begins nodding off on his boyfriend's shoulder, Eddie wouldn’t mind though, he’s great like that, somehow doesn’t mind all of Buck. “Don’t worry, I’ll wake you up a bit later when it’s time for bed” Eddie reassures in a low voice as he continues messaging and scratching gently at Bucks scalp, it’s beyond nice. And so Buck let’s go, and the muzzy feeling of his brain going under doesn’t feel like drowning, he can breathe, it’s a peaceful quiet ocean not a raging storm, so Buck nuzzles into Eddies neck and lets it drag him under.