Chapter Text
‘If you really think about it, it wasn't my fault,’ Jinx thinks. ‘Honestly, it was Silco’s fault. Or Vi. Or hell, mom and dad.’ How was she supposed to know this could happen, especially at 14?
She had heard that sex was a good way to relieve stress, and she certainly needed a little bit of stress relief right about now.
The voices had been getting worse as of late, and she was unsure what the cause was. Maybe it was because she had moved back into the Last Drop, the home of the family she killed. She even feared going to Silco to ask for help because if she continued to bother him, he might decide she was more trouble than she was worth.
Unfortunately, the sex was not even good, just painful, and to make matters worse, the whole time she felt wrong, as if she was doing this with the wrong person, and considering she had a good idea of who that person may be, just made things worse.
‘That’s what you get for doing something like this after what you did to him.’
Honestly, she’s not sure why it still bothers her so much, after all, it's been about 2 years since she last saw him. When he left, he looked so hurt and angry. She understood the feeling, but she would forever hate herself (more than she already does) if he died because he was near her. A 'Jinx'. I hope he did not die out there, though his chances are much higher without me. He probably hates me just like Vi, and he might just die hating like Vi too.
'Heh, story of my life.’
Now, here she stands, looking at the door to Silco’s office for what may be the last time, wondering if this will be her last day in the Last Drop and her first on the streets of Zaun. quite a reasonable fear if you asked her, after all...
She was pregnant!!!
To say this was a disaster would be to put it lightly. How was she supposed to know that you can get pregnant from having sex only once? 'It wasn't even good!' She remembers when she had asked her mom and dad where babies come from, and they had said they came from when two people who love each other very much play fight until the girl gets a big belly.
That explanation had only come about when she first walked into a brothel and later saw a pregnant woman walking about. She had almost shocked her dad to death after she had told him all this.
She remembers back to when she was 9 and got a better explanation when she had run to Vi in tears due to a sore stomach, explaining that she was scared she may be pregnant. Vi had been shocked, panicked, and angry until she explained her sore tummy and that she had been play-fighting outside with Ekko for hours. That calmed Vi down, and after getting an explanation that no, she was not pregnant, and no, play-fighting does not cause pregnancy, but something called sex does, she was laughed out of the room by her siblings.
She had not been able to live that down for almost two years, and that had led her to start coming on jobs with the others to get them to respect her instead of making fun of her, though to say she was bad at the jobs too was an understatement. If she was being honest with herself, it probably just made her siblings hate her in Mylo's case and look down on her in the case of Vi and Claggor.
Now here she is in front of Silco’s door, too scared to enter because she knows for a fact that she is pregnant, and she knows that she should have known better than this, honestly.
Taking a deep breath, she knocks on the door and waits for an answer. Normally, she would just barge in, no matter what he was doing, but right now she is scared and does not want to risk making him angry with her before she even tells him the news.
“Enter,” his baritone voice calls out.
Opening the door, she is greeted by the familiar sound of pen on paper and the smell of cigar smoke wafting across the room. She enters and remains silent in front of his desk, waiting for him to look up. He continues his work and has yet to acknowledge her, though she suspects he has not realized it's her yet, which makes sense, seeing that she has not made her normally loud entrance.
She takes in the room around her, thinking of all the changes it has seen since Vander owned it. Vander had not used it often, having preferred to keep his book records here while dealing with any meeting he had upfront at the bar or one of the many customer tables. Silco, on the other hand, has turned the entire room into the office where he runs Undercity from. She prefers Silco’s setup due to the view the window behind him offers of Zaun. She loves being able to look out at the streets from his chair, imagining herself running around with her family and Ekko and wondering what her life could have been like if she were not such a jinx.
After about another minute, he finally sets his pen down and raises his head to see who has decided to disturb him. She can see the slight shock in his eyes as he sees it's her, and her belly flips in her stomach as her nerves get the better of her. She can see the confusion on his face and what seems to be a slight amount of worry entering his eyes.
“Jinx, what's wrong?” he calmly asks
That seems to be the wrong thing to ask, as not long after that, she begins to shake, and tears have begun to fall down her face. She wraps her arms around herself and begins to stammer out some nonsensical line, and snot seems to be gathering in her nose.
He rises to his feet and is around the table in a matter of seconds. He pulls her into a hug, and suddenly she is bawling her eyes out into his chest and repeatedly mumbling out what he thinks is an “I’m sorry, please don’t leave me”.
Now he is really scared as she has never had such a reaction to him before. However, he ignores the thought that she could have done something so wrong that it could render her into a mess of tears. He begins to whisper sweet nothings into her hair, saying, “Everything will be okay, and no, he has no plans to leave her no matter what happened.” He directs her to the coach beside his table and plops the two of them down on it. He knows she is the type to blow things out of proportion and blame herself for some things that are not her fault or out of her control. It’s the ghosts of her family that haunt her and amplify all her fears.
If only she knew she could never disappoint him. He was proud of the person she was now and the person he knew she would become once she grew up and out of his shadow. In her, he saw the future of Zaun. Both its tragic past and its desire to grow and improve. In her, he saw Zaun's future built into a single person whom he had the honor of calling daughter. He saw her as the genius she was, getting stifled by Piltover and her fight to conquer the demons of her past. It's for people like her that he fights so hard for. So that people like her can grow up in a world that allows them to live their childhoods fully, that allows them to better themselves and the lives around them. He did it so that when the people of Zaun looked at Piltover, they would raise their heads and say those people are not better than me, and mean those words with their hearts.
Once her wails had turned to soft whimpers, he softly asked, “What has got you so rattled child?”
“I did something I should not have,” she whispers. She stills after saying so, however, Silco nearly waits for her to continue. Rather, he begins rubbing soothing circles around her back and waits for her to continue talking.
He feels her take a fortifying breath as if preparing herself for rejection, in addition to preparing herself to speak. “I’m pregnant.”
Silence
He is not sure how to react to that, to be honest. He had expected many things, but that was not on the list of them. Unfortunately, remaining silent was the wrong thing because her body started to shake.
“I’m sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry,” she says. She seems to be hyperventilating. Her eyes are darting around the room, and Silco knows her ghosts are attacking her right now.
He separates from their hug and grabs her face, turning it to him, then waits till he has her attention.
“Take a deep breath in, hold it then let it go,” he tells her to calm her down. "You have nothing to apologize for,” he further explains once she calms down, and sees he means it.
That calms her down somewhat, though he can tell she can still hear those voices even if it's to a lesser degree. He hugs her again just to show he was there with her as he speaks softly into her ear.
“Now tell me how it happened.”
His voice is soothing, and she relaxes in his embrace. His hugs are not as good as Vanders' big teddy bear hugs. His arms are thin and they don't envelop her completely like Vander's would have, and yet they bring her a warmth that even Vander's hugs failed to give. When Silco hugs her, she feels loved unconditionally, she feels like she can be herself, and she will not be discarded. She feels like she does not have to fight for his attention, and to make matters better, he does not look at her with pity in his gaze. It's a feeling she lacked with Vander, after all, with Vander, she had siblings. She shared his love even if she felt deep down his love for her was less than the love he had for the rest of their family, especially Vi. In the back of her head, she had the feeling that should she ever disappoint, she would just be replaced. It's probably why she was so attached to Vi, cause at least there she did not fear being abandoned. 'Heh, look how that turned out.'
She explained how she was having a bad day, and she overheard some people talking about how sex can get rid of stress while also being enjoyable. How she figured, maybe she should try it to see if it could get rid of her stress and maybe even the voices, if only for a little while. She further explains how she does not know who the man was, though he looked to be around her age and had brown hair. How she figured she might as well do it with someone around her age (though she does omit that she had imagined someone else with her). She explains how it only happened once and how she had thought she could not get pregnant from having sex only once, choosing to omit that she thought she had to love the person she did it with for that to happen.
Once she was done with her explanation, he took in a deep breath before stating, “You made a mistake.” She shrinks a little at this, though he continues, “But everyone makes mistakes at some point in their lives. Now you must decide whether you want to keep the child or get rid of it. But before you decide, I want you to know that I will support you no matter what you choose.”
“Can't you decide for me?” she asks in a quiet voice.
“No child. This is something you must decide for yourself.”
‘Would I be a good mom?’ she thinks. ‘Doubt it.’ She looks at her flat belly and fears what this may mean for her.
She hears Mylo’s voice whisper to her, ‘You're just going to jinx the kid too. Or better yet it will grow up hating you because you are such a fuck up.’
The words hurt, but that is nothing new. Next, she hears Claggors’ voice, its soft tone hiding the painful words he says, "It’s best you just get rid of it, Powder, we all know you are not strong enough to take care of it. It would be better if you just killed it, and then it can join us, or better yet, how about you both die and join us here, we can take care of both here".
‘I’m sorry kid, that your mom is so fucked up.’
But then she thinks of Vi and Vander. How they took care of her and protected her, even if it may have just been an obligation. How, when she had nightmares, she would go to them, and they would chase away the demons under her bed and wrap her in a big hug till she fell asleep again. She thinks of her mom and dad and how they died fighting so she could have a better future, a future that was safe from enforcers and the oppressive hand of Piltover. She thinks of Silco and how, even though she is a jinx, he still wants her around. She thinks of how he tells her not to fear being a jinx but to embrace it so that the curse would not affect her, but she would grow to conquer it.
Finally, she thinks of this kid in her and how this could be a second chance for her. This could be a chance for her to protect what she loves, and maybe, just maybe, atone for the lives she destroyed.
It's at that moment she realizes she wants this. She wants to see her kid grow and live a life full of love and hope. A life that she had been robbed of but dreamed about. She wants a family, and that is the crux of the situation. She will prove she is more than a Jinx. She will prove that she can build and protect what is important to her, and she vows to do so.
Silco can see the moment she makes a decision. He can see the determination in her eyes and the hunger she feels. It's practically pouring out of her at this point. It reminds him of her mother, and he knows in his heart of hearts that this is what he fights for. This is why he fights, and this is why he will win Zaun's independence even if it kills him. Even if he has to pull his nation kicking and screaming from under Piltover’s boot. He knows her answer before she can even speak.
“I will keep it,” she says, her voice laced with determination as she speaks, “and I will be the best damn mother this child could ask for even if it kills me.” She is not just talking to Silco now. It is a promise to herself and a declaration to the world around her.
“Good, now go explain to Sevika that you got knocked up.”
"What!!! Oh come on."
Nine months later
Her head is silent right now.
No voices shouting at her, no shadows at the edge of her eyesight, and no guilty pangs running through her.
She is looking at her daughter, a tiny bundle of flesh wrapped in a blanket.
Her kid has a small tuft of blue hair with the most beautiful pair of amber eyes she has ever seen.
Just like that, she has fallen head over heels for this little human, and she knows that no matter what happens, her priorities have been set with her kid at the top of the list. She wonders whether her parents felt like this when Violet was born. (She is pretty sure it wasn't like that when she was born, but whatever). She feels like she can understand them better now, even though she no longer remembers them that well.
Silco is sitting on a bench not far from her bed. He had been here the whole time, leaving in the middle of a meeting with one of the Chem Barons when he heard from Sevika that she had gone into labor. He had rushed here as quickly as he could without alerting the barons to what could have gotten him this spooked.
Her pregnancy had been kept secret, and so she had been kept from the frontlines for the last couple of months. Her kid was high profile as the daughter of the rising star Jinx and the granddaughter of Silco, so to keep her safe, she had to be kept away from battle for the time being.
‘She’s perfect,’ she thinks to herself, her eyes sparking with unshed tears.
“She looks just like you,” comes Silco’s voice from beside her. She had not even noticed him moving.
“Yeah, I guess she does, doesn’t she,” she replies, her eyes still on her daughter. ‘I have a kid.’ The thought is both thrilling and terrifying.
“Have you decided on a name yet?” he asks.
“Isha,” comes my reply.
“Isha, is it? So, you named her after your mother, Felicia, I presume.”
“Yes, I remember Dad used to call her that, and I figured it fit her.”
“Isha, ‘the one who protects’, if I am not wrong. I am sure Felicia would be proud of such a name,” he says.
“The child seems in good health,” comes a voice from the other end of the room. It's Singed, the doctor who delivered her kid. She is still unsure how to feel about that, though she cannot complain much, seeing as he seems to have done a good job.
“I assume, it goes without saying that you need to keep the child away from any deadly substances such as shimmer, especially for her early development, and if possible, try to keep her away from the many corrosive substances in our wonderful city if you can,” he continues. “Prolonged exposure to contaminated air or bad water could be quite problematic for her development if not lethal.”
“Yeah, you got it, doc,” Jinx replies. “Is there anything else I would need to be careful about?”
“Well, of course, seeing who I am talking to, I figure it's worth mentioning. Explosives. I hope I don't have to tell you the danger of those to people, let alone children.”
“Yeah, okay, I hear you. Anything else?” she replies, now exasperated.
“Besides that? No. You are cleared to leave when you feel up to it. Preferably now, as I am quite a busy man,” spoke Singed as he moved to another room in the lab.
"Doctor, I do hope you will excises restraint and not mention the child to anyone?" Silco asked.
"Of course you have nothing to fear from me, after all, I know the feeling of wanting to protect your child and the lengths one may be willing to go to achieve them."
Firelight base
‘We have been making steady progress into Silco’s territory. Ever since Jinx vanished from the frontlines, our missions have been more successful. Destroying shimmer while satisfying has not done much to improve the lives of the people from the undercity.’ Ekko frustratingly thinks.
“Maybe, we should try to attack one of Silco’s bases,” comes the voice of Eve to his left.
He is in the middle of a meeting with the firelights, and they are discussing once again what they should do to slow down the production of shimmer.
“We cannot do that. Those are some of Silco’s most guarded locations. They are always full of guards. Almost half of us would die just trying to assault it, and even if we managed to destroy it, then what? He still has many more and is expanding as we speak. Should we lose that many people in a single assault, then we will be stuck and unable to assault any of his transports across all of Zaun.” Scar, standing at his right, answers.
“Not to mention, I would not want to be the one to explain to the other firelights why so many people died while not even bringing tangible results.” Ekko continues picking up on Scars' argument.
“Then if we cannot target Silco, then why don't we target one of the other Chem Barons?” the voice of Shiki comes out from across the table, sounding snappish and angry. She had lost her sister to the Chem Baron Finn before joining the firelights and was still looking for an excuse to attack him.
“You know why,” he responded, annoyed. “Silco will not protect the other barons, just like they would not protect him if he came under attack. They are only kept from killing each other and everyone around them by Silco himself, and so they are not afraid to run to Piltover for help should we attack them, and no one wants the enforcers to come down here.”
'I may hate Silco, but at least I can agree with him on the fact that it is in the best interest of everyone that Piltover stays out of this.' Whenever enforcers come across the bridge to investigate something, they beat their way through the people, and anyone who looks at them wrong will either be beaten close to death or thrown into Stillwater Prison. Honestly, at this point, about 5 percent of the people of the undercity have been sent the Stillwater and never return, while about 30 percent have made it out of that prison after years in there.
As much as Shimmer and Silco’s rule has hurt the undercity, people still fear Piltover and their enforcers much more. Almost all of the firelights have had a run-in with enforcers in some way, and it's safe to say that the hatred for them has not ended with the emergence of Silco.
“I say we just focus on Silco’s transports for now,” Scar’s voice rings out again.
“I agree, however, I heard from Babette’s place that he is planning to make a large shipment of shimmer in a couple of months, his largest to date. I say we prepare to target it as soon as we can. We should do it before Jinx has a chance to return from wherever the hell she has gone,” Ekko replies.
That seems to have sobered the older members up a bit. They still remembered our first and only encounter with her so far. It had been a miracle that no one died, though that is not to say it had not been a close call for quite a few of us. Out of the 20 people who had been in that assault, 12 of them had sustained injuries of different degrees, and two of us had to be operated on to save their lives.
The newer members of the Fightlights did not seem to quite grasp how bad facing Jinx could be if the scoffs that rang out were any indicator.
“You guys are all so scared of one girl, like we have not been successful in completing raids all this time. If you ask me, I say Silco pulled Jinx out of the frontlines because he was scared, she would lose to us, and that would damage his unbeatable image in front of the other Chem Barons,” Zack's voice comes out.
Ekko sighs, having expected such a response from him. Zach is a purple-haired boy with more heart than brains. It's like he expects everything to work out fine, no matter what they face. It's both endearing and disturbing to see. He wonders if he was ever this optimistic before.
“Whatever, you all know the plan, so stick to it, and I am sure it will all work out fine.”
‘I miss her,’ he thinks to himself while picturing Powder.
He remembers their time together, playing around the bar when they got ditched as kids but her siblings. He remembers experimenting together at Benzo’s place, trying to build new toys together. He remembers her laugh and how she would smile at him, and they would hug and then play fight together. He misses his best friend.
He remembers when he tried to save her from Silco. How she had hugged him and cried about how she thought he had died, and she was alone. How she had looked for him at Benzo’s shop, but he was not there, a shop which he had left long ago.
Just as she was about to continue asking him questions, he cut her off, saying, “Powder, we need to leave now.” He remembers how she seemed to shut down, how she seemed to be building walls around her heart as if preparing for something she expected but did not want to face. He remembers how tears had gathered in her eyes and snot seemed to start gathering in her nose.
Then he remembers how she refused to leave with him. How she told him she works for Silco now and is not being held captive. He remembers his heart breaking and anger rising as she talked, and it must have shown on his face because as he took a step toward her, he remembered how she flinched as if expecting to be hit by him, a small yelp escaping her lips.
He remembers how panic had taken over him at that moment as he heard what sounded like footsteps coming his way. He had tried to pull her then, force her to leave with him, for she had been brainwashed by Silco. He remembers the pain he felt in his cheek after she had slapped him. It had not been physically painful or anything, but it was the act in and of itself that hurt so bad. He remembered how her tears finally fell down her face and how her hand had risen over her mouth in anguish and guilt, or so he tells himself. Then she had turned away from him and exclaimed in a voice so small that if the room had not been so silent, he would have missed it, “My name is Jinx now. Powder is dead, and you should get used to it. It's time for you to go ‘Boy Saviour,’ go save someone who actually needs or wants your help for o... once.”
He left after that, feeling both anger and pain in his heart.
He did not see her fall to her knees and did not hear her cry her heart out. He did not hear her screams or see her shoulders shake from what she had done. He did not hear her silent pleas for him not to leave, nor did he hear her pleading for him to forgive her. He did not hear her curse herself and her exclamation of how she always hurts and destroys those she loves.
All he heard in his head was her rejection and her hateful words. And he hates himself even more for the fact that he still loves her even now.
So, he will hold onto his hurt and hate until the end, and that will have to be enough for him to go on with his life. After all, Powder is dead, and it's his responsibility to put her body to rest.