Work Text:
“It is too heavy, says the canvas. You lack restraint. I was sleeping in whiteness, driftsofsnow, and you woke me and told me your dream,my blank face upturned, listening. You came to me while we were sleeping, we were both sleeping, and you asked me to hold this for you. I am holding this for you.”
Richard Siken, Turpentine
“Mm,” Chan stirs, half-asleep, “You’re not stayin’ over?”
Moonlight is starting to spill through the window, slipping in through the cracks of the blinds. Chan pushes up on one elbow, bare chest blue in the dark of the room.
“Nah, got an early class tomorrow,” Felix looks at him from the end of the bed, slipping his shoes on, “And I need to get home before Seungmin.”
Chan hums, sitting up to lean into Felix’s space. He kisses his shoulder, “Right. Text me when you get back, yeah?”
“‘Course. I’ll see you tomorrow,” He turns to kiss the curve of Chan’s cheek, the corner of his eye. He touches his chest before he stands just to feel his sleep-warm skin one last time.
Chan settles back into bed as Felix lets himself out, locks the door with his copy of the key behind him.
The route back home is ingrained in his bones by this point, traveled enough times that Felix thinks he could get from Chan’s apartment to his own with his eyes closed.
He likes walking home at night even though it worries Chan, likes the quiet of the streets and how the city is never quite dark enough to feel empty, even if it feels lonely.
His headphones play quietly as his feet carry him home, step after step until he’s back at his building, back at his own door.
“Where have you been?” Seungmin is sitting at the kitchen table when Felix opens the door.
“Fuck,” He jumps, “What the fuck are you doing? You scared the shit out of me!”
Seungmin rolls his eyes, “Where were you?”
“Why are you so nosy?” Felix drops his bag by the table, moving into the kitchen.
“Why are you so secretive?”
“I’m not,” He grabs a bowl and a box of cereal, “I was just out, I dunno. I went to the café by campus to work on my essay for a bit and then just walked around,” He lies.
Cereal, then milk, then spoon. He sits across from Seungmin and kicks at his legs with a socked foot just to be annoying.
“Fine, whatever.”
“Why are you home, anyway? I thought you were with Jeongin tonight.”
“Stop talking with your mouth full, it’s disgusting.”
Felix smacks his mouth and chews obnoxiously to make a point.
“I was and then his brother called and needed something so I came home. I needed to work on my essay, anyway.”
“How far into it are you?”
“Not very,” Seungmin shrugs, “We still have like, a month before it’s due.”
“I just want to get ahead of it before I get swamped with everything else.”
“How much did you get done today?”
“Um,” He shovels a spoonful of cereal into his mouth, “Most of the intro. I was mostly collecting resources and shit.” It’s only a half-lie. He did work on the introduction today.
“We have a work day in class tomorrow, you can probably get more of it done then.”
“Yeah, I guess,” He takes the last few bites of his cereal, “I’m gonna head to bed, I think. Goodnight, Seungminnie,” He sings as he drops his bowl in the sink.
He texts Chan once he’s settled into bed, covers pulled over his head.
home
<3
Chris
♥️
sleep well baby
c u 2morrow
His Thursday 8 A.M is an art history course, an elective chosen because he likes art and he needed another social studies class.
He doesn’t mind it. His professor is cool and the class is interesting, for the most part.
But really, he likes Thursdays because at 2, he has general music education.
“So,” Chan claps his hands together, standing at the front of the room, “Today, we’re just gonna be working. We’re just about halfway through the semester, so I wanted to give everyone some time to focus on your essays, get some bones down for it. Remember it’s not due until the last day of the semester, but you should at least have an outline and your sources gathered by this point. If you feel like you’re at a good place and you’d rather use your time to catch up on some work for your other classes, feel free, just try not to be too distracting,” He laughs softly, “Alright. If you need me for anything, I’m right here. Get to work!”
The class dissolves into their own swarm of work, pulling out paper and laptops and iPads.
Seungmin groans beside him, opening up his word document.
“What? I thought you wanted a work day?” Felix nudges him.
His own paper is pulled up on his screen, a bare-bones outline and a list of his sources at the bottom.
“I do. I just wish Bahng actually, like, taught more.”
“He does teach,” Felix frowns, “What, you just want him to lecture all day?”
He has to be careful in his defense, not too brash or fighting. Here, to Seungmin, to everyone, Chan is his professor who he respects and admires.
“I just wish he did it more, I know he believes in the whole learn through doing rather than listening thing, but is it too much to ask for regular work?”
“Is the essay not regular work?”
“It’s the only regular work in the class, and it’s only because it’s required to have a written assignment in every class.”
“Whatever, I’m happy to only have one real assignment. You work too hard, Seungminnie,” Felix coos, rubbing his knuckles against his head.
He laughs when Seungmin groans and squirms away, batting at his hand.
They both turn back to their work, rhythmic typing synching up with the class around them.
His phone buzzes against his thigh, his eyes flicking up to find Chan across the room. He’s at his desk, messing with his own computer.
Chris
comin over 2nite?
Felix bites back a smile, turning his screen to the side so Seungmin couldn’t see if he happened to look over.
yupyup
chicken
for dinner?
cooking or ordering?
ordering
from
that one place
we like
with the good
potato wedges
👍
“I can’t find a fucking source for this.”
“What?” Felix looks up, shoving his phone back in his pocket.
“For the ballad thing. There’s practically no academic sources on it, and I’ve been looking through JSTOR for fifteen minutes,” He groans, slowly raising his hand.
Felix’s heart thumps when Chan stands from his desk, making his way over to where Seungmin and Felix sit.
“What’s up, Seungmin?” Chan leans down with one hand on the table.
His arm flexes, thick veins trailing up to the ditch of his elbow. Felix licks his dry lips and forces his eyes back to his computer to let Chan help Seungmin.
“I’m having trouble finding a good academic source for my paper. I swear I’ve looked everywhere, but I can’t find anything.”
“Ah,” Chan nods in understanding, “Have you tried the library? There’s a good section on music history that could be helpful. I know books can be boring, but it’s worth a shot,” He laughs softly.
“Okay, sure. Thanks.”
“Sure. Yongbok?” Chan says his name softly.
He looks up, fingers twitching. “Hm?”
“You doing okay? Need any help?”
“Ah, nope. Think I’m good, thanks.”
Chan gives him a small nod, pats the desk twice before he moves across the room to help someone else.
Felix watches him go, like he always does.
___
His mother laughs when he picks production design for his major.
Laughs harder when he tells her he’s going to art school, not a regular university where he’d get a degree in econ and try not to kill himself every day for the rest of his life.
But whatever. It’s his choice, he tells her. It’ll make him happy.
She tells him that she supports his decisions, but he better make something of himself. He can’t come crawling back to them if he fails. He thinks the school being in Korea helps her reluctant acceptance.
He enrolls in the fall, production design with a concentration in theater.
His first semester is boring. Basic introductory and foundation classes, he knocks his required math and history classes out early and gets high marks in everything by the end of November.
A month home for Christmas. He avoids his aunts and uncles and cousins asking about school and why he picked a major he won’t be able to do anything with, and it’s fine. His sisters tell him they’re proud of him. His dad pats his shoulder and gives him a half smile.
Second semester, he gets to take classes he likes better.
He takes a required class for musical theater majors, A Voice for the Stage. He sits two rows back next to a boy with a dopey grin who tells him his name is Jisung and he’s majoring in music production. He’s taking this class as an elective because he might want to perform someday too. Felix likes the way his mouth is shaped like a tangerine when he smiles.
And then their professor walks out, a man in his late 40’s if Felix had to guess. Curly hair, a few pieces of gray at the temples. His eyes squint when he smiles and his name is Professor Bahng, but it’s okay to call him Chan or Professor or Bahng, or whatever makes them comfortable.
He normally only teaches courses for music production majors, but this year the usual professor is on maternity leave and they needed someone to fill in for the semester.
It’s a good class. Professor Bahng is a good instructor. He knows what he’s talking about and he’s kind, attentive. He looks you in the eye when you ask questions and his hands have the kind of veins that Felix wants to trace with his tongue.
Fuck. Scratch that.
He’s a good instructor and Felix learns a lot from his class and passes with a 92.
He signs up for another class in the fall.
___
can u
cover for me
with seungminnie
tonight
?
just
tell him
im with you
if he asks
☀️👯♂️
sure
where r u going
just out
he’s
been really nosy
lately
?
dw
nothing bad
ive just
been busy
thank u
love u
☀️♥️
☀️♥️
Felix lets himself into Chan’s apartment after his last class of the day.
“You home?” He calls out, locking the door behind him.
“In here, baby!”
Felix smiles, letting out a heavy breath. The day melts away as he steps into Chan’s office, finds him sitting at his desk with reading glasses low on his nose.
“Hey,” He grins, looking up.
“Grading?” He walks around the desk to squirm into Chan’s lap, head against his shoulder.
“Mhm. Don’t look, that’s cheating.”
“I’m not even in that class.”
“Yeah, because you refuse to take it,” Chan pinches his hip,
"I don't want to sing my own assignments," Felix whines.
"You know-"
"Chris," He groans.
He hates when Chan pushes him on his singing. He enjoys it just fine, but his voice is complicated and putting the work into polishing it doesn't interest him. Still, Chan likes to bring it up.
"Alright, alright, I'm sorry. Let me finish this up and we’ll order dinner, huh?”
“Sure,” Felix presses his face into the curve of Chan’s neck, breathes in the scent of the day on his skin. Chan’s hand holds him low around his waist, keeping their bodies close.
“Don’t fall asleep on me, now,” Chan’s voice rumbles.
“‘M not,” Felix’s eyes close, drowsy just from the comfort of being close to Chan.
Student-produced beats thump quietly from the computer, and Felix can’t help but slip into sleep from the sound.
When he wakes up he’s on the couch, his legs thrown across Chan’s lap.
“Hey, sleepy,” Chan’s hand is in his hair, scratching behind his ear.
He leans into it like a kitten, seeking out his touch.
“Mm, hi,” Felix yawns, “Did you order?”
“15 minutes,” Chan pulls Felix into his lap and presses his mouth to his cheek.
He laughs, leaning into it. Chan peppers kisses all over his face before finally letting their mouths meet in a slow kiss, warm lips and wet tongue. Felix sighs into it, feeling like coming home.
The first thing he fell in love with was how Chan kissed him, finds himself desperate and greedy for it now. He wants his lips on him constantly, selfishly.
His legs shift to bracket Chan’s hips, hands winding into the loose curls of his hair. It’s coarse where he’s graying near his temples, and Felix rubs his thumb over the silvery hairs, moans when he feels Chan’s stubble start to scratch at his chin.
“Baby,” Chan mumbles, a warm hand on Felix’s hip. His fingers play with the hem of his shirt, slipping under to touch his bare stomach.
Felix hums, nipping at Chan’s bottom lip.
“Baby,” Chan laughs against Felix’s mouth.
“What?” He pouts. When he pulls back, he cups Chan’s cheek, strokes his thumb over the crinkles by the corner of his eye.
“Dinner’s gonna be here in a minute.”
“And?”
“And-” Chan manhandles Felix off his lap, “You can’t go getting me riled up before it gets here. I’m not greeting the delivery driver with a massive boner, you menace.”
“Massive, huh?” Felix lifts a brow, laughing to himself.
“You-”
A knock on the door cuts off his thought and Chan stands with a groan, “Go get plates.”
“Whatever you say, old man,” He gets up from the couch, stretching like a cat.
Chan smacks his ass on his way to the front door.
These are the times Felix loves the best. Domestic, easy. He sets the table while Chan pulls out their food, sitting around to eat together and making plans for the weekend.
“You have sauce on your cheek,” Felix laughs when Chan rubs at the spot with the back of his hand, smearing it further.
“Idiot,” He leans in, pressing his tongue to his skin and licking the mess away.
Chan shivers underneath him, reaching a hand out to lightly touch his waist.
“You get it?”
“Mhm,” Felix hums, pressing further into Chan’s space, “Tastes good.” He licks his cheek again, just because he can.
Chan laughs and pulls Felix into his lap, food abandoned on the table when he kisses him. Hands back in hair, tongue pressing against tongue.
Felix moans, already half-hard and filling out. He ruts against Chan’s stomach, licks at his teeth.
“You’re fucking insatiable, you know that?” Chan laughs into his mouth, but he shoves a hand between them to grope at Felix’s cock over his jeans.
“Just for you,” Felix kisses the corner of his mouth, twisting his legs and unbuttoning his jeans to shove them down his legs with his boxers despite the awkward angle.
“Yeah?” Chan’s hands run over the newly exposed skin of his thighs as he settles back, pressing his cock to Chan’s belly. Pre-cum drips onto his shirt and Chan sighs as he leans back to pull it off.
“Mhm,” Felix’s hands go to his stomach instantly, “You’re so fucking hot. Want you so bad,” He kisses him again, his greedy tongue swiping across Chan’s lips.
“Can’t wait ‘til we’re in the bedroom?” Chan smiles, hand moving down to grab Felix’s ass, squeezing once before his fingers creep down to press at his rim. He pauses.
Felix moans, pressing back into the touch.
“Have you had this in all day?” Chan’s fingers tap at the base of the silicone plug.
Felix whines, tucking his head into the curve of Chan’s neck. He mouths at his jaw, “Put it in this morning.”
“Jesus,” Chan curses, “You had it in during class?”
“Yeah,” Felix pants when Chan grips the base, twisting it and beginning to slowly pull it out before he pushes it back in. “Didn’t wanna wait.”
“Fuck, Lix,” Chan pushes his shorts down with one hand and pulls the plug out with the other. He’s quick to replace it with his cock, pushing in until Felix’s ass is flush with his thighs.
“So good, daddy,” Felix moans, full and satisfied. He rolls his hips slowly, taking a few moments to adjust to the size of Chan’s cock.
“Yeah,” Chan sighs, hands on Felix’s hips.
For a while, they move just like this.
Rolling hips, guiding hands.
He loves the feeling of Chan inside him, the way he feels full and whole and complete.
He rides Chan at the kitchen table and kisses his swollen mouth until he splatters cum between their stomachs and Chan spills inside him.
It’s easy, sweet. Chan pecks a kiss on his lips when they’re done, scooping Felix up to carry him to the shower.
“How was class today?” Felix hums with Chan’s knobby fingers working shampoo through his hair.
“Ah, it was alright. You?”
“Mm, fine. The essay is kicking my ass a little, though.”
Chan’s hands pause on his scalp. “Lix."
“I know,” He sighs, “I know. We can’t talk about school work outside of school. I wasn’t gonna ask for anything unfair, or whatever. Just venting.”
“Okay,” Chan whispers, “Sorry. Go on.”
His fingers resume their circles, scrubbing and massaging gently.
“I’m just really behind on it. Which- okay, no lecture. I think I just picked a bad topic and I can’t pay attention when I’m trying to write it because it’s boring. And Seungmin keeps bothering me about it so I’ve been lying and saying I’ve been at cafés working on it when I’ve just been here. Ugh.”
He feels juvenile sometimes, when he complains about his problems to Chan. He feels their age difference the most like this, when he rambles about school and friends and childish problems he knows Chan hasn’t thought of in years.
But Chan is sweet, and he loves him, so he hums like he understands and tips Felix’s head back to wash away the shampoo. “You could try having an honest conversation with him.”
“About us?” Felix laughs dryly.
“About schoolwork. I dunno, just be honest that you’re struggling with it. He’s a smart kid, I’m sure he can help you.”
“Maybe. I feel like we’ve been kind of distant lately.”
Chan starts on the conditioner.
“Is it-”
“No,” Felix answers quickly, “No, it’s my fault. I dunno, I’ll figure it out. Hurry up and rinse me, my legs are still wobbly.”
Chan laughs and kisses him behind the ear.
___
Music composition is his first class his sophomore year. 8 am on Monday’s, a smaller classroom compared to what he’s gotten used to for production design classes.
His roommate, Seungmin, is in this class too. He’s a music major, like Jisung. He asks why Felix is taking the class when he doesn’t need it and Felix just shrugs and says it's an elective.
Chan teaches the class differently than he taught A Voice for the Stage.
He seems more in his element, more comfortable. As knowledgeable as he seemed last year, he seems even more educated in this. He’s talented and Felix is entranced in the way he talks about music, his passion and fire to teach.
Their first project is difficult. Felix knows next to nothing about producing music, and even with Chan’s instructions in class, he finds himself fumbling to make anything worthwhile.
It’s a simple email that he sends, asking if Chan has any time to go over a few things from class. He wants to understand, wants to make music that impresses him.
Chan replies with a thumbs up and a time he has some free office hours.
It’s hard not to feel a little nervous when he slips into Chan’s office on Friday, soaked in dim yellow light and bright computer screens.
Chan grins at him, pulls up a spare chair for Felix to sit beside him.
They spend about an hour going back through the basics of cubase, Chan answering every question Felix has with a smile.
He doesn’t feel shy asking about anything, finding an ease about Chan that quells every nervous thought he had before.
Chan is handsome and charismatic and so helpful, that by the time they’re done, Felix asks if it would be alright if he came back next week.
His stomach flips when Chan laughs and tells him that he’s always welcome.
___
Felix sinks into the cushions of Jisung’s couch, eyes shut as he listens to his rambling.
“-and he’s just so hot, it’s insane! I’ve never seen someone so hot in my life, it actually pisses me off. And he’s so funny and kind of weird? Ugh.”
“Just ask him out,” Felix hums.
“I can’t, dude. He’s my TA, I’m pretty sure there are, like, rules against it.”
Felix shifts, keeping his eyes closed. “Then ask him out after the semester is over. He’s just a TA, it’s probably fine.”
“I guess. It’s not like he’s actually a professor, or anything.”
“Right,” Felix swallows.
“Anyway,” Jisung sighs, digging his socked toes into Felix’s thigh, “What’s your deal? Why have I been covering you for Seungminnie lately?”
Felix groans, turning his face into the sofa.
“Lix,” Jisung pokes him again, “Dude, seriously. If I’m gonna keep covering for you I should least know what I’m covering for.”
“It’s nothing,” He whines, “Jisungie.”
Jisung is a welcome weight when he crawls over to drape himself on top of Felix, cheek pressed to cheek. “Tell meeee.”
Guilt eats at Felix’s stomach.
He wishes he could. He hates keeping secrets, hates how he’s been lying to Jisung and Seungmin for so long.
“I really can’t, Sungie,” He admits quietly. He curls his arms around Jisung’s neck, his legs around his waist. He holds their bodies together and breathes in the comfort of Jisung relaxing into the hold. “I wish I could. You just have to trust me, okay?”
“Are you in trouble?” Jisung asks softly, face tucked into Felix’s neck.
“No,” Felix rubs his back, rubs their cheeks together, “No trouble. I’m okay, I’m really- I’m really good, actually. Just trust me.”
“I do,” Jisung hums, “Just be careful. I need my sunshine twin, okay?”
His heart aches and he plants a big kiss on Jisung’s cheek, despite the way he shrieks and squirms away.
___
“So, I was thinking,” Chan starts.
Felix looks up from his laptop, “‘Bout what?”
It’s been a quiet evening. Felix writing his paper on the sofa, feet on Chan’s lap while he grades for his senior class.
Chan’s hand reaches down to circle his ankle, rubbing at the knobby bone there. “What if we went somewhere?”
“What do you mean?”
“Just- Winter break is coming up. And you said a while ago you weren’t gonna go back home this year. So I was thinking we should go somewhere. Together.”
Felix can feel the way his heart morphs in his chest. They’ve never had the luxury of going somewhere together. They can’t even go out for dinner unless Chan drives them an hour and a half outside of town.
“Really?”
Chan nods, “Yeah. There’s ah- there’s a private townhouse in Kyoto. I was thinking maybe I could rent it for a week, maybe two. We could spend Christmas there.”
His heart soars, giddy and so in love it permeates his bones, sinks into his gut. “Oh my God. Seriously?”
“Yeah, seriously,” Chan laughs, lifting Felix’s foot up by his ankle. He kisses the sole of his foot, “You wanna go?”
“Yes!” He laughs, shoving his laptop to the side to crawl into Chan’s lap, “Holy shit. I’ve never been to Japan.”
“Ah, you’ll love it,” Chan pulls him against his chest, “You sure you’ll be okay missing Christmas with your family?”
“Yes,” Felix kisses the crinkles by the corner of Chan’s eye, “I’m a grown adult, it’s not like they have any say on what I do anymore anyway.”
“I know,” Chan tilts his head to capture Felix’s mouth in a sweet kiss, “I just don’t you to regret anything.”
“I won’t,” Felix kisses him again, lingering, “Seriously. Don’t stress about it. I’ll tell them I’m spending the holidays with Jisung and they won’t even question it. I’m excited to go.”
“Okay,” He can feel the worry melt from Chan’s body, pressing closer when big hands slide up his thighs.
“Take me to bed, now,” Felix kisses the corner of his mouth.
___
On the second Friday of every month, the friend group gets together.
Felix, Jisung, Seungmin, Hyunjin. Jeongin, when he feels like going out.
Movie nights, clubs, dinner and drinks. Whatever is agreed upon the week before, that’s what they do.
This week, it’s a bar.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages,” Hyunjin pouts, leaning across the table.
“I saw you two weeks ago,” Felix laughs, reaching out to tangle their hands together. He’s three drinks in and feeling light, bubbly as he leans into Jisung’s side. Seungmin is at the bar getting another round of drinks.
“We used to see each other every day,” Hyunjin pouts, “I miss you.”
Guilt wells up in his chest. It’s his fault he’s been so distant.
It’s the price he pays for loving Chan, for keeping a secret he can’t let slip.
“I miss you too,” Tears brim in his eyes, “We’ll go to lunch next week, okay?”
“Where have you even been lately?” Jisung pipes up from Felix’s side.
“Don’t ask,” He pushes his cheek into Jisung’s shoulder, “Please don’t ask.”
He can’t bear to look at the worry painted on Hyunjin’s face.
“What’s going on?” Jeongin and Seungmin arrive holding new drinks, pausing to survey the sudden emotion of the table.
“Nothing,” Felix snatches his glass and drinks half of it in two big gulps.
“Yongbok is being weird,” Hyunjin whines.
“He has been for like 6 months, now,” Seungmin slides in next to Hyunjin, sipping his own cocktail, “You should see him at home. I mean, if he ever was home.”
“Where have you been?” Jeongin slides his arm around Seungmin’s shoulders.
Felix thinks of how nice it must be to be able to display his affection for his partner so easily. So openly.
“Nowhere,” He lies again. It’s all lies, all of it. He feels wrought with it, exhausted.
“Maybe he has a boyfriend,” Hyunjin laughs, loopy and unserious but it strikes fear right into the center of Felix’s chest.
It all feels elevated by the liquor, his emotions heightened and he pushes away from Jisung to stand on shaky legs and stumble to the bathroom, tears falling down his cheeks in fat drops.
The restroom is blessedly empty, and Felix locks himself in a stall, pulling his phone out.
can i
sleep
at yours
tonguht?
pleakse
Chris
u okay?
i thought u were out with your friends tonight
i am
sorry
pleas ?
want to
be with u
yeah, you know you can always come here
are you okay honey?
tell u
later
sormry
im tpsy
and crying
crying??
His head snaps up from his phone when the bathroom door creaks open.
He sniffles quietly, wipes his snotty nose with the sleeve of his shirt.
“Yongbok?” Hyunjin’s voice calls softly.
“Sorry,” He croaks, “Sorry, I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Can I come in?” He sees Hyunjin’s feet stop outside his stall.
“Sure,” He clicks the lock, steps back to let Hyunjin worm his way in.
“Oh, Yongbokkie,” Hyunjin frowns, eyes watery. He cups Felix’s cheek, “What’s going on, my angel?”
He hiccups on a sob, “I can’t tell you. I want to, I promise. But I can’t.”
Hyunjin’s lip wobbles. “Whatever’s going on, you shouldn’t have to go through it alone. You can trust me, you know?”
Felix chews on his lip, debating. He takes a shaking breath, feels it rattling around in his cheat.
“I've been,” He starts, slowly, “Seeing someone. A boyfriend.”
“Oh,” Hyunjin’s eyes go wide, and then soft, “Why didn’t you just tell us that? Who is he?”
“I- I can’t tell you who. Just- it’s really complicated. Really. Like- we could both get in trouble, kind of complicated. He’s older. A little older. And there are just- you can’t tell anyone, okay? Please, Hyunjin.”
“Okay,” Hyunjin nods, “I promise, Bokkie. I won’t tell.”
“Thank you,” He sobs, pulling Hyunjin close. He wraps his arms around his neck, chokes on his own tears as he cries into his shoulder.
Hyunjin rubs his back and shushes him through it, soothing and warm.
They both have red-rimmed eyes when they leave the bathroom hand-in-hand, returning to their friends.
“You good?” Jisung asks, all round eyes and puffy cheeks.
Felix nods, squeezing Hyunjin’s hand.
“Bokkie isn’t feeling well,” Hyunjin steps in, “I’m gonna catch us a cab and take him home. We’ll see you guys later, okay?”
Seungmin frowns, but he nods with the others. There’s a chorus of ‘feel better’s as they head out, stepping onto the cold street.
Fall is fading into winter and the air outside is starting to bite, the tip of his nose going numb as they wait for a taxi.
“Oh, here-” Hyunjin pulls his arms when one finally pulls up, and he helps Felix in.
“1015-”
“Actually,” Felix interrupts. He gives the driver the address of Chan’s apartment, burning under Hyunjin’s gaze.
“Is that his place?” He whispers once Felix has sat back, hands in his lap.
Felix nods. His heart feels so heavy in his chest.
“I’ll pay for your ride home after he drops me off, okay?” He keeps his fingers tangled with Hyunjin’s, seeking the comfort.
“Don’t worry about it. You’ll call me tomorrow, won’t you?”
“Of course,” He hums. He watches the streets pass, rolling windows of neon sighs and lovely people.
He watches the couples holding hands, kissing under streetlights.
By the time they pull up to Chan’s building, he’s exhausted.
He reasons that Hyunjin will never know where Professor Bahng lives, so it’s alright for him to be here as Felix steps out of the cab.
“I’m sure things will be easier when the break comes. Only three more weeks. We all love you, Yongbokkie,” Hyunjin gives him a small smile as the cab peels off.
“Love you too,” He whispers as the cab disappears around the corner.
“Oh, baby,” Chan frowns when the door swings open.
It’s immediate when Felix launches himself forward into Chan’s arms, the door slamming shut behind him.
“I’m sorry,” He cries into Chan’s shoulder, clinging to his body.
“For what, baby?” Chan rubs his back, pulls Felix up until his legs wrap around his waist.
He carries him into the bedroom, lays them both down on the bed.
“It’s all just so much,” He hiccups, throwing his legs over Chan’s. “I told- I told Hyunjin.”
He can feel the way Chan freezes underneath him. His hand stops on the small of Felix’s back.
“No-” Felix rushes to correct himself, “Not- I didn’t tell him it was you. I swear, Chris, I swear I didn’t. He doesn’t know it’s you. I just- I told him I was seeing someone who was older and- and that it was a complicated situation but he doesn’t know it’s you, I promise,” He stutters on sobs, holding on to Chan’s body tighter.
There’s relief when he feels Chan relax again, hand slipping up his spine.
“Okay,” Chan breathes, “That’s okay. I trust you, baby. Fuck. I’m so sorry, Lix.”
“Why are you sorry?” He sniffles, pushing up on his elbows to search Chan’s face in the dark.
“It’s not fair to you. Baby. What I’m doing to you-”
“You aren’t doing anything to me. Chris, please. Please, we’ve already talked about this a million times. Stop apologizing! I’m a fucking adult, I know what I’m doing, okay? I just feel fucking bad right now because I’ve been lying to my friends for almost a year and it sucks sometimes, but it’s fine because I love you, really, and it’s- it’s worth it. But it just sucks sometimes! Just let me be sad about it without making it into another conversation on how guilty you think you are. Fuck!”
His chest aches with the force of his breaths, the sobbing hiccups that pound against his diaphragm.
“Okay,” Chan’s eyes go soft, apologetic, and Felix lets him pull him back against his chest, head cradled over his heart. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry you had a bad night.”
He feels like his strings have all been cut at once, exhausted down to his marrow. He rests all of his weight on Chan’s body, clings to him like a leech.
His eyes pull shut, sleep dragging him down.
___
The majority of the first semester of his sophomore year is taken up by Professor Bahng.
He doesn’t exactly need the one-on-one tutoring he insists he does, and he suspects Chan knows this, but he never says no.
Instead, they continue carving out little pockets of time to sit in Chan’s office and go over whatever the most recent lecture in class was, to dissect Felix’s projects and answer his questions.
Chan is hesitant to give Felix his number when he asks for it, but it makes arranging their meeting times easier. He promises Chan he won’t abuse the privilege, even though they both know he will.
He’s casual about it, at least. He really does only use it to help schedule their meetings at first. And then he uses it to ask Chan’s order when he’s picking them up food to bring to his office, and then sending him memes he thinks Chan would laugh at.
Chan always responds back.
It’s the last day of the semester when Felix feels brave and asks if he can come by Chan’s office at the end of the day. The campus will close for the holiday break starting Monday, and Felix will be flying home a day after to spend the few weeks he has off with his family.
Chan is hesitant, but he lets Felix know that he’ll be in his office after his last class, around 6:30.
Felix picks up dinner for the both of them, giddy and bouncing on his heels when he gets to Chan’s office around 7.
The air between them is startlingly different as Felix shuts the door behind him, presenting the bag of food with a big smile.
Chan laughs, and it’s so warm and delighted, and he pats the chair next to him and clears his desk to let Felix set down the containers.
Their class is done, and without schoolwork to discuss, they fall into easy conversation. Over the semester, he got bits and pieces of Chan’s life, but now he gets it all.
Felix likes him so much. His stomach flutters and he laughs at every joke like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard, and it sort of is.
Chan is funny and sweet and charming, and the world is pear-shaped when Felix leans forward and kisses him.
It lasts barely a second before Chan pulls back with a sharp breath, face painted with fear as he looks at Felix with wide eyes.
Immediately, Felix apologizes. Says he’s sorry, that he should have asked, that he just thinks Chan is so wonderful and smart and he enjoys spending time with him in and out of class.
He’s rambling, so embarrassed and nervous that his stomach rolls and he worries he might puke the bibimbap they had for dinner all over the floor.
Chan cuts him off with a warm hand on his thigh. Higher than would be appropriate for a professor touching a student. Felix shivers under the touch, and he meets Chan’s eye.
He’s Felix’s professor, he tells him. He’s over twice his age. Felix has only been 20 for two months. Chan turned 46 seven weeks ago. It’s against university policy. Chan could get fired, Felix could get in trouble. It’s immoral. It’s unethical. He tells Felix that he’s mixing admiration with affection, that his feelings are complicated but he’ll work them out and get over his crush.
His hand is still on Felix’s leg. His thumb swipes against his inner thigh.
Chan closes his eyes when Felix speaks again.
Counterargument.
The semester is over, so Chan isn’t technically his professor anymore. Felix is an adult, even if he’s 20. Older men are hot. It’ll be fine if neither of them tell anyone. Felix promises not to tell anyone. He’s not mixing up anything.
Chan is horrible at taking compliments and he goes so red when Felix starts listing all the things he likes about him, his laugh and his smile and his curly hair and how attentive and intelligent he is.
When Felix kisses him again, he doesn’t pull back.
___
Finals week is hell.
He’s so swamped with work he feels like he’s dying, hasn’t slept more than four hours a night for over a week.
Seungmin and Jisung stay glued to his side as they push through, studying together late into the night, checking each other's essays and projects in their other classes.
Jisung spends more nights on their couch than his own apartment, and Hyunjin stops by a few times to bring food and coffee.
He’s only seen Chan during class in the two weeks, texting him sporadically when he has the time to spare a few minutes.
It’s been mostly about their trip to Japan, his shining light at the end of the tunnel.
Their last day comes after a grueling week, bodies dragging as they take their final exam.
Chan’s last class isn’t until 4:30, so Felix meets with Jisung, Seungmin, and Hyunjin for a late lunch once they’re all done.
“Thank God,” Jisung groans, moaning in distress, “I actually thought I was going to fucking die.”
“The exam in Bahng’s class was weirdly easy.” Seungmin pushes around the rice on his plate.
Felix bristles. “It was probably because the essay was such a pain in the ass.”
“How do you think you did on it?” Jisung asks.
Felix hums, “I dunno. I feel like it was okay? I ended up going too much into the history of Sydney instead of the music, I think. Ugh.”
“Hey, at least Bahng will probably give you extra points cause he’s from Sydney too,” Jisung laughs.
“He’ll probably get extra points because Bahng just likes him so much.”
“What? No, he doesn’t,” Felix’s blood rushes to his face, “I get the same grades as everyone else. That’s not funny.”
Jisung blinks at him, wide-eyed.
“Okay, sorry,” Seungmin apologizes. “I was joking, I know you work hard.”
“It’s fine,” He takes a slow breath. “I also- Okay. I’m really sorry I’ve been so weird, lately,” He apologizes, already feeling tears pinching his nose. “I love you guys so much. I’m so happy to be your friend and I appreciate you so much and I’m just sorry I’ve been such a bad friend this year.”
“You don’t have to apologize, Bokkie,” Hyunjin’s eyes look misty.
“Yeah, seriously, man,” Jisung gives him a small smile, “We all go through shit. We aren’t just gonna dump you because you are.”
Seungmin nods in agreement.
“I’m gonna be better after the break, okay? Really. I promise. It’s been a stressful semester, I guess. I’m sorry. I love you guys,” He sniffles, launching himself into Jisung’s space. He cuddles up to him, holds his little waist.
He finds comfort in his friends, solace. The semester is over and after the break, he doesn’t have any classes with Chan teaching. It’ll be easier, less of a double life. He can make it work.
___
It’s snowing the day they land in Kyoto.
Everything is dusted in white, and Felix is giddy the whole taxi ride to the house, nose pressed to the frosty window.
Chan keeps laughing at his excitement from the front, twisted around to watch him.
“Is it your son’s first time in Japan?” The taxi driver asks Chan, all good-natured and curious.
Felix feels his smile drop, keeps his eyes staring out of the window.
It’s not the first time they’ve been asked, but it makes Felix’s stomach drop every time.
The first time they’d been asked was in a grocery store near Chan’s place, an older woman asking Chan if he and his son needed any help finding the fresh noodles. Chan had gone red in the face and Felix remembers the way he’d snapped at the woman, spit out that Chan wasn’t his father and she shouldn’t assume and how dare she- before Chan grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the store.
Now, he lets Chan handle the assumption.
“Both of our first time in Kyoto, actually. I was in Tokyo for work a few years ago.”
“Ahh, welcome! It’s a lovely time to be here.”
“Yeah, we’re both very excited,” Chan smiles and the conversation pitters out.
Felix makes sure to kiss Chan in plain view of the taxi driver as he peels away from the house, arms looped around his neck and tongue pressed to his teeth.
Chan laughs and indulges him, kissing him until the car is gone before scooping him up into his arms.
“Carrying me through the threshold?” Felix smiles, tucking his head into the crook of Chan’s neck.
“Did we get married at some point that I’m unaware of?”
“Mm, maybe. I could be your conversationally young wife.”
Chan laughs once they’re in the door, dropping Felix onto the couch and kissing the crown of his head. “I’ll get the suitcases, you think about lunch.”
Lunch is a little udon shop a ten minute walk from the house.
Flushed cheeks and happy grins over chewy noodles and warm broth, and when they finish eating they go for a walk through the town with their arms looped together.
It’s the most free they’ve ever been together, walking hand in hand in public without fear of being caught, or recognized. No classmates to worry about spotting them out to dinner together, no friends to hide from.
They window shop until their noses are numb from the cold and when the sun starts to set as they walk home, Chan gives him a piggyback ride all the way up the driveway to avoid the ice.
Falling into bed together is easy, but there’s something special in the way they shed their clothes tonight, how gentle and loving their hands are.
Chan kisses Felix’s neck, isn’t scared to leave a blotted mark just above his collarbone.
Felix moans his name, guides his head down his body with hands tangled in his hair.
“You’re so beautiful,” Chan tells him, kissing his chest, pulling peaked nipples gently between his teeth.
Felix shivers, hard against his belly and wanting.
“Chris,” He moans, hot mouth moving down to kiss his belly, his hip bones.
“What is it, sweetheart? Tell me what you want, I’ll give you everything,” His nose bumps the length of Felix’s cock, breathing him in. It’s all so intimate, the way Chan touches him.
His hands feel so big on Felix’s thighs, smoothing over downy hair.
“Just want you,” The words feel sticky in his throat, sudden tears in his eyes, “Fuck.”
Chan hums against his skin, pushing Felix’s thighs up to his chest and he kisses down his cock, past his balls until his mouth presses against his rim. He kisses the puckered muscle, makes Felix choke out a cry.
His tongue is so hot, licking into the core of him and Felix can’t help the stream of noises he lets out, cock leaking and pleasure zipping up his spine.
“So good,” He whines, “Chris, baby, it feels so good. Oh.” He babbles praise, reveling in the way it makes Chan hum and moan against him.
He lets Chan eat at him until his hole is loose enough to slip two fingers inside, pulling him up to kiss his flushed face, to feel Chan’s cock hard against his hip.
“Need you to fuck me,” He pants, writhing. Their bodies slide together, tangled endlessly, and when Chan presses inside him it feels like coming home.
He thinks sometimes they were made for each other, that he’s been waiting his whole life for Chan.
“Yeah, that’s it,” He pulls Chan’s hair, wraps his legs around his hips as he drives into Felix.
“You’re so perfect,” Chan huffs against the skin of his neck, “God, Lix, my Felix. My sweet boy.”
“Yours?” He breathes, cock rubbing against the line of Chan’s stomach as he fucks into him.
It’s all building, orgasm beginning to curl in his belly.
“All mine,” Chan tells him, and Felix can feel how much he means it, the way he fucks him and kisses him and runs his hands along his body, “Made for me, weren’t you?”
“Yes,” Felix cries out, gasping because Chan feels it too. He was made for him, made for each other.
He cums between their bellies, pulled out of him in pulsing waves and Chan kisses him through it, pushes through to his own release and pulls their bodies impossibly closer.
“I love you,” Chan tells him on the comedown, petting his hair and kissing his cheeks.
“I was made for you,” Felix tells him, curling against his chest. He can hear his heart beating, the crux of his life. “Really. I think I was. I’ve never loved anyone this much in my life, I didn’t even think it was possible.”
Chan laughs softly, thumb brushing Felix’s cheekbone, “Ah, baby. I know what you mean.”
“Really?” Felix looks up at him, finds his shining eyes and matted curls, “Like…” He chews on his bottom lip, “Like ever? Am I- I mean, have you ever? Loved someone else like this?” And it’s a shitty question to ask, really, but he wonders sometimes.
But Chan shakes his head, smiles down at Felix, “Never. I thought maybe I just wasn’t cut out for it. Not until you, sweet thing.”
It blooms in Felix’s chest, sunlight and fire, and he tips his chin up to kiss Chan breathless.
He calls his mother on Christmas day, splayed across Chan’s lap on the living room sofa.
She chats his ear off about the family, his sisters and aunts and uncles and how preparation for Christmas dinner is going.
“Japan is so cool,” He nods when she asks about his trip, “Jisung’s family is really nice.”
“And they’re taking care of you well?” She asks, the sound of her knife hitting the cutting board on the other side of the phone.
“Yeah, of course. We’re gonna go out to dinner tonight for the holiday.”
“Mm. You’ll send me pictures, won’t you?”
“Um,” His eyes flit up to Chan, “Yeah. I haven’t been taking that many but I’ll try to remember.”
“Good, good. Remember to call your Grandmother before it gets too late today. Have a good trip, honey. Send pictures. I love you.”
“Mhm, I will. Love you too.”
He sighs when the call goes dead, curling into Chan’s lap.
“I’ll take some pictures of you before dinner,” Chan kisses the top of his head, “You okay?”
“Yeah,” Felix grumbles, “I dunno. It’s complicated.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
He shrugs, “I don’t know what to say about it. Things have just been weird with her since I started school here. I know she doesn’t like it, but it’s whatever. It’s easier now but I can just tell she, like, doesn’t approve or whatever. And there’s- y’know. This. And I can’t tell her about it on top of barely telling her about school so it just feels like I have this whole other life sometimes. It just feels weird.”
Chan hums, nodding along. “I’m sorry, baby. When you graduate and get a real job and make use of your degree, it’ll be easier, I promise. Parents never understand art degrees until they see them put to use, really.”
“Did yours?”
Chan laughs and Felix wants to kiss the crows feet by his eyes. “Nah, definitely not. They were okay about the music thing when it was just a hobby, but they thought I was crazy when I said I wanted to go to school for it and become a producer.”
“Do they still think you’re crazy?”
“Mm, less so. They like me being a professor a lot more than they liked me being in the industry. It’s easier to talk about with their friends.”
“You don’t talk about your parents very much,” Felix observes out loud, twisting a finger into a greying curl.
“Ah, there’s not too much to talk about. You know all the important stuff, anyway.”
“Do I?”
“Hm? Of course you do.”
“I feel like I’m always talking about my family and my problems, and you never really talk about yours,” Felix frowns.
The fire in the fireplace crackles and the hiss of warmth makes Felix shiver, Chan’s arms pulling him closer.
“All my problems are old man problems,” Chan rubs his back, “They’d just bore you.”
“Nothing about you bores me. We’re- I mean, we’re together, right? You should tell me everything, even your boring problems. And tell me about your family and your life, and stuff.”
“I do,” Chan insists.
“Sort of,” Felix insists back. “I know I’m younger but I don’t want you to treat me like a kid or something, like you have to hold back on what you share. We’re dating, Chris, I love you, I want to share our lives.”
Once, right after they started dating, Felix found an old box of photos in Chan’s room while Chan was working in his office.
He’d thumbed through them, photo after photo of Chan when he was young. His sister and brother, his parents, his family dog. The house he grew up in in Australia. Old friends who Felix doesn’t know and probably never will.
‘98 was scribbled in the corner of his favorite picture, one of Chan at the beach. Hair curling with salt, eyes crinkled with a smile. He would’ve been Felix’s age then, and he had been just as beautiful as he was now. He’d wanted to take it at the time, but he’d heard the office door creak so he shoved it back in the box and left it all alone.
He thinks of it, sometimes. The box of Chan’s life that Felix had never been privy to.
“Okay,” Chan kisses his forehead, “I promise. I’ll be better. You can ask me anything and I’ll answer, whatever you wanna know. And I won’t hold back on sharing stuff anymore.”
“Good,” Felix presses a kiss to his collarbone above his shirt, just where his mouth reaches.
“And,” Chan continues, “I love you too.”
Christmas dinner is a fancy restaurant in the center of town, white tablecloths and dim lights, the air warm and closed off from the biting cold.
They dress up in nice suits and ties, and Felix pulls his hair back into a pretty bun, little strands of hair around his face that Chan loves to tug.
“You look beautiful,” Chan tells him for the hundredth time as their waiter pours them each a glass of wine.
“You’re not so bad yourself,” Felix grins. Chan is endlessly handsome, hair pushes back and gelled out of his face, clean-shaven and smiling.
He blushes at Felix’s words, grumbling when he looks down at the menu as his ears turn red. It’s such a delight every time, to make Chan turn red with compliments despite the way he stutters and protests.
Chan insists on ordering for them both, ordering nearly the whole menu because they have to have some of everything, trust me, and Felix revels in the feeling of being adored, of being treated and cared for. He lets Chan feed him bites of fish and pork and potatoes, wagyu that melts in his mouth and a yuzu sauce he’s sure he could drink.
He’s so full by the end of it he’s sure he’s going to pass out, hand over his belly as he groans and Chan laughs.
“Channie?” A voice cuts through their laughter, and Felix looks up to find a woman approaching their table.
He watches Chan’s face when he sees her, eyes going wide as he sits up straight.
“Sana?”
“Oh my God, I thought it was you! What the hell are you doing in Kyoto!” She laughs, smiling brightly.
Felix is lost when Chan stands up and pulls her into a hug, arms around her waist.
“I’m here for Christmas! What are you doing in Kyoto? Why aren’t you with your family in Osaka?”
Felix sits quietly, observing. Watching.
“I’m in town with Momo for the holiday, we’re meeting up with Mina tomorrow. Oh my God, I really can’t believe it. You look good.”
Chan blushes, waving a hand at her, “Please, you look gorgeous.”
Sana laughs, swatting his shoulder before she turns to Felix.
“So, who are you here with?”
She regarded him with curious eyes, taking in the state of him. She looks to be about Chan’s age, and he wonders what she assumes when she looks at him.
“Ah, this is Felix,” Chan grins, “Lix, this is Sana.”
He skips any real introductories, any hints of how they all might be connected.
“Lovely to meet you, Felix,” Sana smiles, not unkindly but with something hidden.
“You too,” He nods and smiles back, polite but not overly.
“Is Momo here?” Chan asks, cutting the awkward conversation.
“She stepped out to call us a taxi home, but I can grab her if you want to say hi!”
“Ah, no need, I don’t wanna take up any more of your time. Have a great night, tell Momo and Mina I say hey.”
Sana nods, “Call me soon, okay? I miss you.”
Chan pulls her in for another hug and waves goodbye as she leaves, sitting back down with a sigh and a smile.
“Who was that?” Felix asks cautiously, picking at his nails.
“Ah, right. God, sorry, baby. That was Sana, we were- uh. Ha, funny considering what we talked about earlier. We were together for a few years, when I was still in school.”
“Oh,” Felix breathes, “You like women?”
He’d never really considered it before.
“That’s what you’re surprised about?” Chan quirks an eyebrow.
“Shut up,” Felix’s face warms, “I just never thought about you with a girl.”
“I guess I’d technically call myself bisexual, but I seem to like women less the older I get. I haven’t been with a woman in probably ten years. Sana was the last girlfriend I ever had.”
“How long were you with her?”
“Hm. Five years? Nearly six?”
“Six?” Felix blinks, “I thought- earlier, the other day you just said. The thing about thinking you weren’t uh, cut out for relationships. I thought you’d just never been in a serious one.”
”It’s complicated, y’know? I wasn’t lying the other day, Lix, don’t think that. I loved Sana, sure, but I didn’t love her the right way. I wasn’t a good partner then, I was young and confused. We were together for longer than we should have been. And look, we aren’t together anymore. Haven’t been for a long, long time. I meant it when I said I didn’t think I was cut out for it until you.”
Felix chews on his bottom lip, thinking it over. His stomach aches in a distant sort of way, his throat tight.
“Okay,” He bites the inside of his cheek, “Did you live with her?”
“Mm, for almost three years. We had this shitty little apartment by our campus, it was honestly disgusting. She was convinced there was a colony of rats living behind the walls.”
“How old were you?”
“Ah, I must’ve been 25 when we broke up. We started dating our second year of college and broke up just before my third year of grad school.”
Felix does the math quickly in his head. “Wow.”
“Hah, yeah. Man, I don’t even feel like that person anymore.”
“I would have been two when you broke up,” He doesn’t quite mean to say it out loud, but his mind is racing weirdly and his stomach is starting to ache, “I- wow. You’d have already been together for three years before I was even born.”
Chan blinks at him, a little wrinkle between his brows. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“Sorry,” He laughs awkwardly, “I think I’ve had too much wine.” He tries to give Chan a smile but it feels too tight, plastic on his lips.
“Okay. Hey, let me pay the bill and we’ll get out of here, yeah? You wanna get some air and call a cab? Should only take a minute to pay.”
Felix nods and stands from the table.
As he passes, Chan catches his hand.
“I love you, Lix,” He squeezes their palms together.
“I love you too,” Felix squeezes back.
Outside, the cold air is sobering.
He sucks in sharp lungfuls, steadies himself against the wall of the restaurant.
Snow crunches underneath his feet and his suit is too thin to be outside like this, but he’d left his coat on the back of his chair and he can’t find it in himself to go back on.
“Is that your boyfriend in there?”
He looks up quickly, finds another man leaning against the wall, cigarette between his teeth. He must be a server, a little white apron tied around his waist.
Felix’s teeth chatter and he nods, eyes flicking around. There’s no one else out.
“He looks old.”
Felix gives a dry laugh, “He’s older than me, sure.”
The man hums, nods. “You okay?”
“Sure. Forgot my coat inside.”
“Not the cold. Are you okay?”
Felix blinks, hands rubbing up his arms to try and warm himself. He isn’t quite sure how to answer.
The door pushes open and Chan is there suddenly, wrapping Felix’s coat around his shaking frame.
“Jesus, Lix, you’re gonna freeze to death,” He bundles him up, zips the coat for him like he’s a child.
“Sorry,” He croaks, “Forgot.”
“It’s okay. You alright?”
Felix nods, looking past Chan at the man smoking against the wall. He’s observing the two of them, head tilted.
Chan frowns and looks over his shoulder, looks back at Felix.
“You know him?” Chan asks, quiet between them.
Felix shakes his head. “He just asked why I didn’t have a jacket.”
“Ah, well you have one now, silly boy. Did’ja call a cab?”
“Um. No, sorry. None came by.”
“That’s alright,” Chan ruffles his hair, “I’ll call one. Stay put, try’n warm up, okay?”
___
They sleep together for the first time a week into Felix’s second semester of his sophomore year.
It’s an accident.
Sort of.
They aren’t dating, but they saw each other a few times over the winter break, after Felix got home from Sydney. Small moments. Grabbing lunch and eating it in Chan’s car by the river, an hour or two in Chan’s apartment.
The semester has been hell. A week in, and Felix is swamped with work he barely understands, everything moving too fast and none of his friends are taking the same classes. He’s stressed and overwhelmed, and he begs Chan to let him come over to work.
Just to work, he promises, tells him it’ll be like when they’d go over projects in his office. He just needs a bit of help, some guidance. It’s only been a week of classes, he just needs to get himself together.
Chan agrees, because he’s sweet and kind and thoughtful, and he helps Felix get on top of his work and set a plan for the rest of the semester.
They haven’t kissed since that first time, barely touch at all, but when his work is done, Felix turns and kisses Chan with all the thanks he can muster.
It’s like heaven when Chan doesn’t pull away, when he lets Felix kiss him deeper, longer.
There’s no one but them to worry about in the safety of Chan’s apartment, and Felix crawls into his lap, curls greedy fingers into his hair.
Feeling Chan grow hard under him is euphoria, made better when he starts to grind against him, drinking up the noises shared between them.
He gets on his knees, gets Chan’s cock in his mouth. He sucks him off until Chan pushes him away, scooping him up and carrying him to the bedroom, mouths not parting for even a second.
Chan fucks him on the bed, kisses his neck and comes inside him, makes Felix writhe and moan and spill between their bodies.
When it’s over, Chan holds him, kisses the curve of his jaw and pets his ribs.
Felix feels brave, finds it within himself to tell Chan he wants to keep seeing him.
He expects a counterargument, waits for Chan to tell him that this can’t happen again, list all the reasons it’s a bad idea.
But he doesn’t. His hand goes still on Felix’s hip.
He tells him that he wants to keep seeing Felix too, but they have to be smart about it. They can’t tell anyone, not their friends or family. They can’t go out in public, or go on real dates. If they want to make this work, if they’re serious about it, it has to be a secret.
Felix agrees, turning in Chan’s arms to kiss him silly.
He doesn’t care about keeping it secret, not as long as he has Chan.
___
He keeps his promise about things getting better after the winter break.
He puts in more of an effort to spend time at home, to see his friends more.
Second Friday’s stay a routine, Felix shows up and smiles and leaves behind his secrets and anxieties.
Without Chan as a professor, it feels easier. Their dynamic is better, things feel more like a real relationship than a secret.
They see each other on the weekends, text throughout the week. Sometimes Chan will order food to his apartment when Felix up late studying and Chan is awake grading.
The feelings that lingered in the days after they got home from Japan seem to dissipate. It all just feels soft and easy, the love between them steady and constant.
It’s good. It’s all good.
Life goes on.
“Are you going to the thing on Friday?” Jisung asks, pushing his toes into Felix’s thigh.
Felix swats at his ankle, rolls over to wrap his arms around Seungmin’s waist.
“What thing?” He grumbles, eyes closed.
“The department thing.”
“Very specific,” Seungmin hums.
“The junior class thing. Mixer, or whatever they called it. It’s like a party for juniors going into their senior year in the fall.”
“For the whole department?”
“Yeah. Music and some of the dance kids, I think.”
“The school is putting it on?”
Hyunjin hums from the foot of the bed, “It’s probably going to be boring but we should go.”
Seungmin groans and Jisung pushes his toes into Felix’s leg again.
“Are you gonna go?”
“I just found out about it, I don’t know.”
He doesn’t really want to. He had plans to go to Chan’s after class on Friday to watch a movie and order in, and he’d really like to spend the weekend in his bed.
“Please? Minho is gonna be there, dude.”
“Your TA?” Seungmin rolls his eyes.
“He’s not my TA anymore. He’s like, basically just another student now. I need a wingman!”
“I can be your wingman, Jisungie,” Hyunjin grins.
“Fuck no, dude, he’d take one look at fall in love with you instead of me. Bokkie, please.”
“Can I think about it?”
“Fine. Let me know by Wednesday though so I can plan an outfit.”
He’s making an effort to be a better friend, so he lets Jisung drag him to the department mixer on Friday night.
He mourns what would have been a beautiful night in bed with a bowl of noodles and his hot boyfriend, instead squeezing into tight pants and a baggy top. Low effort but hot, Jisung tells him.
The mixer is in the music hall, all the tables and chairs pushes aside to create an atmosphere that
reminds Felix of middle school dances back home, purple lights and thumping music.
He can’t help but laugh a little at how corny it is, but Jisung seems enthralled and he can only make fun of it so much.
They know most everyone in attendance, at least three fourths of their classmates all wandering around and chatting.
“Fuck,” Jisung gasps, clinging onto Felix’s arm.
“Do you see him?” He looks around the crowd, trying to recognize Minho.
“Yes. Shit. Fuck. Should I say something?”
“Yeah, go!”
“Fuck. Oh my God, he looks so fucking hot. Oh my God. Wait, who is he talking to?” Jisung squints, “Oh, shit, I think it's Bahng.”
Jisung is tugging him across the room before he has time to think, stomach flipping and guts lurching.
“Minho!” Jisung calls, fingers digging into Felix’s arm and he feels the moment Chan turns to see the voice screeching Minho’s name, feels his eyes land on Felix.
“Oh, Jisungie,” Minho smiles.
“Yongbok,” Chan’s face is carefully blank, “Jisung. Nice to see you.”
“Hey, Bahng. Minho, hi. Hey. Wow, uh, cool seeing you here.”
“I told you I would be,” Minho’s eyes are sharp like a cat and he looks at Jisung like he wants to eat him alive.
“Right! Right, um. Felix actually had to talk to Professor Bahng about something. So. I was thinking we should talk, um. Over there or something.”
“Jisung,” Felix hisses, legs feeling unsteady.
All he gets in return is a smack to his bicep and Jisung leads Minho to their own little corner, leaving Felix and Chan behind.
There’s a horribly awkward moment of pause where they just look at each other, both of them frozen before Felix breaks.
“I didn’t know you’d be here,” He picks his words carefully, keeping them vague and appropriate. It’s so loud in here that he doubts anyone could even hear them, but they can’t play these kinds of games here.
“Ah, right. Kind of a last minute thing. Cancelled plans, so I was free tonight.”
Shit.
Felix had texted him this morning that he was going out with Jisung tonight, asking to push their plans tomorrow.
“Shit. I’m sorry,” He cringes.
“Not your fault, right?” Chan gives him a pained smile. “How's your semester going?”
“Fine, yeah,” It’s awful having to make small talk with him, to keep things professional. “I’m glad we’re almost done.”
Chan hums and sips his drink, “Right, yeah. I was sad you weren’t in any of my classes this semester.”
Felix laughs despite himself, “Yeah, I always enjoy your classes. Professor Seo’s a pain in the ass.”
“Hey, c’mon, Bin isn’t that bad.”
“He just can’t multitask for shit. Do you know how hard it is listening to him try to fix a powerpoint while answering questions?”
Chan laughs, a real, genuine laugh, and Felix isn’t immune to it, smiling at the sound.
“Yeah, that’s a good point, actually. I won’t have you for any classes next year, will I?”
He won’t. He already knows, Felix already told him. Still, it’s almost nice to pretend for a moment that maybe they’re just normal people, that Felix is a student and Chan is a professor and that’s where their relationship starts and ends. Like Felix doesn’t know the taste of Chan’s tongue, what his sheets feel like against his skin, what his cock feels like in his mouth.
“No,” He manages, “Sorry.”
“That’s alright, I’m sure you’ll do well anyway. You’re a smart kid, Felix.”
There’s a sincerity to it, something that makes a sudden sadness well in his throat. He nods, looking away before his eyes go misty.
“I should go find Jisung, probably, before Minho kidnaps him. See you around.”
Chan gives him a smile, “Sure. Have a good night.”
___
“How’s your boyfriend?” Hyunjin asks him over iced coffee, two weeks before finals.
Felix’s hands shake as he takes another sip of sickly sweet coffee, still cringing at the taste. “He’s- yeah. Good.”
“You’re still seeing him, then?”
Felix hums, nods.
“It’ll be a year soon,” He rubs his thumb against the condensation, gathering little drops on the pad.
It feels good to talk about it with someone, even if he keeps the details vague and obscured.
“A year?” Hyunjin blinks at him, “Oh, my angel, you kept it a secret for that long?”
Felix laughs, looking out the big window to see all the people passing by.
Couples, hands interlaced. Walking dogs together, kissing at the street corner.
“I’m still keeping it a secret,” He gives a wry smile.
Hyunjin looks at him so sadly, eyebrows pinched. “Does he make you happy?”
He hates that he has to consider his answer.
The truth is yes, Chan makes him happier than he’s ever felt. Chan makes him feel happy and loved and cared for, like love was invented the first time their eyes met.
But the truth is also that it’s hard, and Felix isn’t sure if those things can co-exist. Chan makes him happy but he makes him so sad. He watches couples on the street holding hands and he wonders if that could ever be them. If they could ever walk their dog together, if Chan could ever kiss him on the sidewalk.
“Yeah,” He answers, and it doesn’t feel like a lie. It isn’t a lie. “Yeah, he does. It’s- it’s complicated sometimes, but he makes me so happy, Hyunnie. When things are good it’s like nothing could ever feel bad ever again.
“And when things are bad?”
He chews on the inside of his cheek. “They’ve never really been bad. Hard, I guess. Sometimes the- the age thing gets a little hard. And other stuff."
Hyunjin’s mouth twists in the way it does when he’s upset. “How much older is he? You never told me.”
Slow breath. Outside, wind moves through the sparse trees planted along the sidewalk. A dog barks.
“Almost thirty years,” He says quietly, almost hoping his voice gets lost in the bustle of the café.
For a long moment, Hyunjin just looks at him. It’s mortifying, so fucking embarrassing to face. He feels his face turning red, the tips of his ears burning.
“Oh, Yongbokkie. Bokkie, angel. And you’ve been together for a year?”
“It’s really not a big deal most of the time,” He swallows, “Honestly. It’s kind of hot, I always liked older guys. And he’s so good, Hyunnie. He’s such a good guy, I’ve never met someone so good in my whole life.”
“You were 20 when you started dating and he was what? 50?”
“46.”
“How old were you when you met?”
“Hyunjin-”
“Angel, please.”
“It- I was 18. It was freshman year, but we barely talked. I didn’t really even know him until the year after.”
There is such a sadness in Hyunjin’s eyes that Felix wants to throw up, dizzy with embarrassment.
“How did you even meet him? Bokkie, what was a 46 year old doing talking to an 18 year old? Trying to date him?”
“It wasn’t like that,” Felix insists, tucking his hair behind his ears. It’s a nervous habit, pushing the hair back over and over. His heart feels funny. “I went after him, he told me no, so many times at first.”
One time.
“How did you meet him, Bokkie?”
He shakes his head. Looks back out the window. He’s going to cry, can feel it building in the back of his throat.
“Felix,” Hyunjin sighs, and the dam breaks.
Tears are hot against his cheeks, his whole body flushed with embarrassment. It feels so awful having it all laid out in front of him like this, shameful down to the center of his chest.
“I love him,” His voice comes out thin, watery. “I really do. I do so much, I sometimes think I’m not going to be able to love someone else like this ever again. It feels like it’s going to kill me sometimes. I love him so much and I don’t know what to do.”
His vision is blurred with salt and he doesn’t see it when Hyunjin moves, but suddenly he’s on Felix’s side of the table and pulling him into his arms.
Felix clings to him, chokes on sobs against his shoulder.
“It’s okay, Bokkie. We can- we can figure it out. I’m here for you, okay, we all are. We love you so much, our Yongbok.”
“I love him,” Felix sobs, hands curled into the soft knit of Hyunjin’s cardigan, “I love him.”
“I know,” Hyunjin whispers.
___
A few months into their relationship, Felix asks about their future.
Laying in bed, legs tangled, his head on Chan’s bare chest.
He can hear his heart beating under his ear, the rush of his blood. Their bodies thrum together, so alive n
It’s early days, but Felix already knows he’s in love.
They’re still damp with cooling sweat and Felix can’t help but ask if Chan ever thinks about the future.
Chan laughs, thumbs over the knobs of Felix’s spine.
Sure, he tells him, of course.
Felix smacks his pec, clarifies he means their future.
Chan doesn’t laugh this time but he does hum, says he’s thought about it a few times.
Felix tells him he finds it hard to picture it sometimes. He has so many years of school left, it seems endless.
They’ll go by fast, Chan says. Two years, give or take, and then it’ll be easier to imagine the future.
It’s hard to resist asking if Chan thinks they’ll still be together after he graduates.
Chan tells him that’s a silly question. He says Felix is still young, but he hopes they are.
They’ll have to edit their story a bit, tell people they got together after Felix graduated. They reconnected after he left school, just happened to hit it off.
But they’ll be able to be normal, regular.
Felix fantasizes about being able to go on real dates, being able to tell his friends.
It sounds like a dream, and Felix thinks it might be. Felix doesn't know if Chan believes the words he says.
He’s already started lying to Seungmin about where he’s been lately.
It feels bad to lie to him, but it won’t be forever. And he loves Chan, and he knows Chan loves him.
It’s early days but Felix hopes things stay this nice forever. He memorizes the sound of their hearts beating in sync.
___
“You look handsome,” Felix tells Chan, hand adjusting the tie around his neck.
Chan’s cheeks are pink, handsome smile on his mouth. “Ah, all thanks to you. Will I see you there?”
“I think so,” Felix smooths out the lapels of his suit, pats his chest twice for good measure. “Seungmin and Jeongin are performing their duet and Hyunjin has a dance thing, and Jisung helped produce a song for someone in the class.”
It’s the last day of the semester, a big showcase for all of the juniors and seniors who have been working on projects over the last few months.
“Ah, yeah. Man, Jisung worked so hard this semester. He’s really talented.”
“Yeah, he is. He cares so much about it.”
“Bin is really fond of him. He thinks he’s really gonna go places.”
“Yeah?” Felix adjusts Chan’s collar again, brushes his thumbs over the thin skin of his neck, “He’d be happy to hear that. He really admires Professor Seo.”
Chan laughs, letting Felix fiddle with all the little details of his suit. “I think when he graduates Binnie is gonna want to work with him. He’s already trying to set him up with a job after he graduates.”
Felix frowns, pinching black fabric between his fingers. “Does he like Jisung?”
“What?” Chan startles, “No, God, no.”
“God no?”
“I mean. No, his interest in him is purely professional. Jisung is a talented kid, Bin just really believes in him.”
“Right,” Felix bites the inside of his cheek.
“Would you- I mean, if it was romantic interest, would that bother you?”
Felix pauses, eyes on the center of Chan’s chest. “I dunno. Maybe.”
“Because Changbin is his professor?”
He bites his lip. Shrugs.
“Because he’s older than him?”
“I don’t know, Chris. Yeah, I guess. Both. It would just be kind of weird, right? If Professor Seo was interested in Jisung like that.”
There’s a moment of space between them where Felix doesn’t quite feel real. Hollow, see-through. Just particles dispersed and floating.
“Do you think it’s weird that I’m interested in you like that?” Chan asks quietly.
Instantly, Felix shakes his head. “It’s not the same. I liked you first, you told me no. You were professional, I was the one who kissed you and crossed that line. It’s just different.”
Chan looks at him like he wants to say more, but he holds himself back. Felix isn’t sure if he’s glad for it or not.
“You know,” Chan starts, raising a hand to cup Felix’s cheek, “If you ever want to talk about anything, us or otherwise, we can talk about it. I don’t want you stewing in your feelings all by yourself.”
Felix nods, swallowing around the tiny lump in his throat, “I know."
"Hey," Chan brushes his thumb under Felix's eye, "You sure you're okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah, sorry. You nervous about presenting tonight?"
"Nah, I'll just find you in the crowd if I do."
Felix laughs, "What are you gonna do next year when I'm preforming, then? I'll be backstage."
"It'll be Bin's turn to present. I'll get to sit front row and watch."
"Oh, front row, huh?"
"Mhm. Best seats in the house to see the best performer."
"Yeah, alright, Romeo. You better get going."
“I love you,” Chan tells him, leaning over to kiss him.
And Felix lets himself be kissed, brushes his thumb behind Chan’s ear. “Love you too,” He whispers against his mouth.
The showcase is held in the theatre departments auditorium, the seats filled with friends and students of the performers, family members who care enough about each other to attend such a thing.
Felix will be in it next year. He wonders if his parents will show up to see his performance. He wonders if Chan will.
He sits with some of Jisung and Seungmin’s other friends, people he really only knows in passing, but the view is good and his friends are so talented.
Hyunjin’s routine is the third act, and he moves on stage like he was born to do it. His body moves like water, fluid and light and unbelievable. There is such a grace in every step he takes, so careful and intuitive.
Jeongin and Seungmin’s duet makes him cry, haunting melodies and forlorn voices filling the auditorium. Seungmin sings like an angel, his voice bringing Felix to tears more times than he can count and tonight it’s at its best, mixing with Jeongin’s to create a sound no one has ever heard before.
By the end, he’s a sobbing mess, the first person in the room to jump to his feet and clap when the music ends. He wipes the tears off his face and sends Seungmin a lengthy text as soon as he’s off stage, going on and on about how proud he is, how beautiful the song was, how wonderful his voice is. He sends a message to Jeongin too, telling him much of the same.
Chan comes on stage after to introduce the next student act, handsome in his suit and so proud of his students as he tells a short quip about spending the year listening to everyones songs being made.
The song Jisung helped produce is towards the end of the show. He doesn’t have vocals on it, but he comes out after Jongseob has finished his rap and they bow together. He remembers Jisung singing Jongseobs praise, how he skipped a few grades but he’s talented as hell and going places for sure. Felix understands why Professor Seo believes in Jisung so much.
There’s a small afterparty for the performers when the showcase is over, but Felix had enough friends performing to sneak him in.
Over and over, he tells everyone how proud he is of them, smacking Jisung’s shoulder when he makes fun of him for starting to tear up again.
“Oh, be nice to him,” Hyunjin wraps his arms around Felix’s waist, “He’s so sensitive.”
“I’m not!” He defends, but he is and they all know it. He doesn’t find so much shame in it anymore.
“You’re gonna perform next year, right?” Jeongin is leaning into Seungmin’s side and Felix can’t help but eye between them, the way they seem to subtly cling to each other.
“Yeah, I’m in production design so my showcase stuff is in my last year.”
Jeongin nods, “Oh, cool. Do you produce music in production design?”
“Kind of? Production design is like, designing sound for theatre stuff, mostly. There’s some music production sometimes but it’s not quite the same.”
“Do you sing, then?”
“Ah, a little. I’m not the best,” He laughs.
“His voice is actually really nice,” Hyunjin tells Jeongin, “He just gets insecure about it. Seriously, he’s so- oh! Jisung, call him over here.”
“Huh?” Jisung turns to look behind him, “Who? Oh!”
“No, Jisung, don’t,” Felix spits it out harsher than he means to when he realizes Hyunjin was looking at Chan.
“Professor! Bahng! Bahng Chan, hey!”
He watches as Chan turns, blinking and laughing when he sees Jisung calling him.
His eyes meet Felix’s for a split second, an apology as he excuses himself from his previous conversation to approach the group.
“Ah, Jisung. Your song was really great, you should be proud! Absolutely fantastic work from all of you. You guys killed it, really.”
There’s a chorus of thanks and laughter, Felix’s tight-lipped smile as he bops his head along.
“We were just telling Jeongin how good of a singer Felix is, even though he refuses to admit it. He’s good, right?” Hyunjin asks Chan.
“Yeah!” Chan lights up, “He’s hard on himself, but when he lets the nerves go, he really has a great voice, no matter what he says. I wish he’d sing more, haha, but I only have him in my classes once in a blue moon. He’s sound great if he just-”
“Okay, enough,” Felix cuts him off, wishing the ground could swallow him whole. “Thank you, Professor.”
Chan gives him a tight smile, nodding. “Right. Well! I’ve got more rounds to make, you guys have a good night. Great work, again.”
The conversation turns to which professors everyone liked best this year, and Felix keeps to himself, trying hard not to track Chan around the room.
“Why were you so rude to him?” Hyunjin pokes Felix’s stomach, whispering.
“What?”
“Bahng. You were kind of snippy with him.”
“No, I wasn’t. I just didn’t want him talking about my singing. He gets so- ugh, whatever. It’s fine, I didn’t mean to be snippy. I’ll apologize later.”
“Mm,” Hyunjin hums, “I thought you liked Bahng.”
“I do,” Felix bristles, throat dry, “I mean, he’s fine. Just- annoying, sometimes. He really wants me to switch to a more music-oritented major and I keep telling him no and then we fight and it just sucks. It’s whatever, sorry.”
“You fight with Professor Bahng?” Hyunjin laughs.
“Um. No. Well, it’s- we bicker. I guess. In a normal way.”
His palms feel sweaty. He rubs them against his pants, trying to think of a sudden excuse to leave.
Hyunjin is looking at him now, picking up on his nerves.
“Are you okay?” He asks carefully.
“Kind of dizzy, actually. Um, I think I’m gonna head home, to be honest.”
“Are you sure? I can call an Uber or something.”
“No, no, it’s fine, seriously. Seungminnie, I’ll see you at home later?”
Seungmin looks up, tilting his head. “Sure?”
“Cool. Okay. Um. Bye.” He shakes Hyunjin off and beelines for the door, shoulder brushing Chan as he passes.
The walk across campus is short, but it gives him enough time to slow his breathing, rubbing his hands over his face.
He feels grateful that it’s late enough that everyone has gone home besides those at the afterpaty, giving him space to get himself together.
It feels harder than ever to keep his two lives separate, letting himself slip when he knows he shouldn’t.
“Felix!”
He looks up to see Chan coming down the sidewalk.
“What the hell?” He hisses, looking around. There’s no one out but them, but it’s still risky.
“You looked upset. You practically ran out.”
“I’m fine,” He closes his eyes, “Sorry. Sorry for being a dick earlier, I didn’t mean to snap.”
“It’s okay, baby. I shouldn’t have come over.”
“No, it’s fine. You’re our professor, it would be weird if you didn’t. Fuck.”
“Hey, school is done for summer, right? It’ll be easy again, like last year. No school to worry about.” Chan reaches out to touch Felix’s shoulder, warm through his shirt.
“Yeah,” Felix takes a shivering breath. He’s all cried-out from earlier, no more tears left to shed.
“You wanna come over later? I have to go in to wrap up semester stuff on Monday, but you can spend the weekend.”
Felix shakes his head, rubbing at his eyes. “No, I should stay home tonight. Tomorrow though?”
“Sure. Can I at least drive you home?”
“Would that be a good idea?” Felix sniffles.
“No one is around. Let me drive you home, baby, I don’t want you going home by yourself when you’re upset.”
It’s horribly risky to let Chan lead him down to the faculty parking lot, for their hands to be brushing as they walk.
Still, he lets Chan open the car door for him, slides into the passenger seat and keeps his head low as they peel out of the parking lot. Just in case.
His heart feels like it’s bruised in his chest, a bloody thing beating at his ribs. Everything hurts, his head, his heart.
Quietly, Chan rests one hand on the center console, his palm up.
An offering, a comfort. He takes it.
Chan drives him home and Felix tries to memorize the feeling of their palms together, how perfectly their fingers tangle.
When they pull up to his building, Chan cups his cheek and kisses him so softly, like Felix is something delicate and beautiful and fragile.
“Call me tomorrow, yeah?”
He nods. He hesitates for a moment, not because it’s untrue but because the sudden truth of it feels unbearable. “I love you.”
Chan smiles at him, soft eyes and soft heart, “I love you too, baby. My Felix.”
When he gets back to the apartment, nice clothes traded in for one of Chan’s shirt and an old pair of shorts, he checks his phone for the first time all evening.
A text from his mom, asking about coming home from the summer. One from Seungmin, asking him to remember to turn off the front light when he gets home.
And one from Hyunjin, sent just after he left with Chan.
Hyunjinnie <3
can we talk tomorrow?
my place?
Felix never used to hate Hyunjin’s apartment.
It’s a tiny thing, a studio floor plan with a big bed shoved into one corner and exposed brick walls, tarps and canvas littering the old wooden floors. He has a nice couch, at least, pushed up against the wall with a broken coffee table placed in front.
He’s been in this apartment a million times, has slept on this couch more than he can count. It used to comfort him in a weird way, memories of crashing with Hyunjin after a night out their freshman year. Their sophomore year, after Felix and Seungmin had moved out of the dorms and gotten a place of their own, the place to crash was their little two-bedroom.
Nights like those became rarer as the year had gone on, as Felix had started spending more time with Chan, just late nights in his office at first, and eventually his apartment when summer rolled around.
And now he’s back here, picking at fraying fabric while Hyunjin moves around the kitchen, and he thinks he might hate it here.
Here, Hyunjin’s apartment. Here, Seoul. Here, his own body.
When Hyunjin finally moves to the couch, he hands Felix a glass of sparkling lemonade, curling up on the other end of the couch.
For a moment, they just regard each other.
That same look is in Hyunjin’s eyes, the one from when they went for coffee a few weeks ago.
“If you want to say something, I’d really appreciate you just saying it,” Felix says, eyes cast down. He can feel the tension in the air, prays that Hyunjin isn’t about to say what he’s going to, but Felix knows where this is going.
He knew the second he read the text last night, barely slept longer than 30 minutes at a time from the anxiety. A few times, he thought he might throw up, holding his small trashcan between his legs and sobbing dry tears into the empty bag.
“It’s Professor Bahng, isn’t it?”
Felix closes his eyes. It’s a knife to his throat to hear, tearing delicate skin.
“What about him?” He can at least try to pretend for a few minutes more. A few more minutes of pretending his life isn’t about to be ripped to shreds.
“Bokkie,” Hyunjin sighs. “Please. Your boyfriend. The complicated older man who you can’t tell me about.”
“I don’t want to answer you.” Stars prickle behind his eyes, his breath already coming out uneven and shaking.
Hyunjin makes a noise and Felix knows it’s over.
“I saw you last night. After you left. The way he touched you- and he drove you home. He’s your professor, Yongbok,” Hyunjin says it quietly, gently, like he’s reaching out to a scared animal.
“It’s not like that,” His words stick to his throat, “It’s not. I can explain, I can- I can tell you. Please, let me- You can’t tell anyone. Please don’t tell anymore.”
He opens his eyes and the world is blurry with tears. He blinks them away, sucks in a horrible breath when he sees the pain in Hyunjin’s face.
“I should report him.”
“No,” Felix gasps, crawling over the couch to wrap himself around Hyunjin. He pushes his face into his neck, soaks the collar of his shirt with tears. “No, Hyunjin, you can’t. Please don’t. It’s not bad, I promise. He isn’t a bad man, he isn't. I love him so much, I love him and he loves me and it would ruin his whole life if people found out. He’d lose his job. I could get in trouble. Hyunjin, please.”
“He’s your professor! What if he’s preyed on other students? You said you met him when you were 18, Yongbok, what if there were other victims?”
“Victims?” Felix wretches himself away, knife lodged in his chest, “Jesus Christ, I’m not a victim. I told you, I went after him! He told me no! I was 20 when we got together, I’m not a victim! I was the first, okay? I know I was. He said no and I went after him because I wanted him. I want him. I love him.”
Hyunjin shakes his head, “It’s not okay, Bokkie. He’s still your professor. He’s taking advantage of you, whether you think so or not. It’s against the rules for a reason. He has a position of power over you. It’s an abuse of power.”
“It’s not!” He cries, “Hyunjin, please. We’ve talked it out so many times. He’s never, ever given me special treatment because we’re together. And I try to not take any classes he teaches, unless they’re required and I can’t help it. Look! Look, remember that essay last semester? I only got an 79 because it sucked, but he didn’t grade me any differently!”
He remembers getting his grade back and flopping onto Chan’s bed, grumbling that he should have sucked his professor off for a better grade. How Chan had laughed and flipped him onto his back, kissed him breathless and told him that he’d get a 79 no matter whose dick he sucked.
“Oh my God,” Hyunjin’s eyes are wide, his face drained of color. “Oh my God. You’ve been fucking him for a year. Oh my God, Felix.”
The world is ending. He’s sure of it.
The ground is shaking, the sky is falling. He can feel the black hole inside his chest growing, swallowing up his insides.
“You can’t tell anyone,” He begs, “I’ll- I’ll break up with him,” It needles down his throat, the knife twisting deeper. His poor, bloody insides spilling out. “I’ll leave him. Just don’t tell anyone. Hyunjin, please, this can’t ruin his life. It can’t.”
The sound of his broken sobs fill the small studio, bouncing off the walls. His own mourning echoed back to him.
“How are we all supposed to sit through another year of his classes? Interact with him like normal knowing what he did?”
“He didn’t do anything! Hyunjin, you have to believe me. You have to. He’s so good. He’s such a good man, Hyunjinnie, he’s the best person I’ve ever met. I can- I can see if he’ll trade classes with another professor so none of you will have to take his classes next year. But, please,” He feels shattered, “Just don’t tell. Don’t report him. Don't tell the others. If you love me, me, you won’t.”
He can’t tell what Hyunjin is thinking, his face utterly blank and pale.
“You’ll break up with him?” He says quietly. He won’t meet Felix’s eyes. Felix can’t meet his.
“Yes,” It wells up within him, “If you won’t report him. I’ll end it.”
A moment passes.
His life with Chan flashes before his eyes.
They were so careful for so long. So cautious. Reckless only in fleeting moments, the first time Felix ever kissed him, shared texts from across classrooms.
He should have never told Hyunjin he was seeing anyone. Maybe that was the first crack.
Maybe it was when he stopped seeing his friends so often to spend more time with Chan. Neglecting so many aspects of his life for him.
“Okay,” Hyunjin says at last. “Okay. Yongbokkie, my angel, I’m so sorry.”
It feels like he has no more tears left to cry when he crawls back across the couch to collapse in Hyunjin’s arms, awful sobs wracking his body, shaking his frame. His skeleton feels like lead, heavy and unmovable. He wants to be swallowed up into the ground, reborn as a tree or a cat or a bird. Anything besides this. Anything that can’t feel this hurt.
He wonders if he’ll ever feel pain like this again.
He cries in Hyunjin’s arms until he falls asleep, waking up again as the sun starts to go down.
Hyunjin tells him kindly that he’s supposed to go to dinner with his parents tonight, but Felix can stay if he wants.
Kindly, sniffling, he declines. Tells Hyunjin he should go home and see Seungmin, tells him that he needs to think about what to say to Chan.
But, he promises, he’ll do it this weekend. Tomorrow. Monday at the latest. Soon.
Hyunjin says he trusts him and calls him a taxi to take him home.
Once the door is shut, he gives the taxi driver Chan’s address.
Showing up at his door feels like a betrayal.
He hadn’t called, hadn’t texted. He doesn’t even use his key, just stands in front of familiar wood and raps his knuckles against it.
“Lix?” Chan frowns when he opens the door, pulling Felix inside.
He must look like a mess. Mottled pink cheeks, red rimmed eyes. He looks like a disaster after he cries and he knows being here, he’s just going to cry again.
“What happened, baby?” He pulls Felix into his arms, and he’s so strong, so comforting.
For a minute, he lets himself be held before it’s all taken away.
“Hyunjin knows,” He wraps his arms tight around Chan’s waist, mumbles the words into his shoulder.
He can feel the way Chan tenses.
“It’s- God. God,” He continues, “He’s not going to report you. Or tell anyone. I swear, I swear he isn’t. But. Chris,” He’s starting to hiccup between his words, beginning to cry again. “It’s- we can’t. Anymore.”
“You told him?”
“No. He- he figured it out. After the showcase.”
Chan lets out a long breath and Felix can feel the exhale against his own body, clings tighter.
“This is it then?”
“I love you,” Felix tells him, “I don’t know how to tell you. I love you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I tried to be so careful, we were so good at being careful. I don’t know what happened. I love you. I love you.”
Chan holds him through it, gentle and kind and so much more than Felix deserves, than either of them do. He pets Felix’s hair and rests his chin on the crown of his head and for a long time they stand there, just like that.
“Don’t be sorry, little one,” Chan kisses his temple after a long while, “Never, okay? It’s my fault. I should’ve- that first time, I shouldn’t have let it happen. I knew you had a crush on me and I didn’t stop it, and I should have. It was my responsibility as the adult, as the professor.”
“You regret it?” His voice cracks around the syllables, raw with hours of distress.
“No, sweetheart,” Chan rushes to soothe, “Never. I couldn’t ever regret it. Regret you. I just wish things were different. That’s all. I love you, baby.”
“I never cared,” Each breath is painful, squeezing it’s way out of his body, “About you being older. Or a professor. It never bothered me that I was so much younger. Even when it was hard, I didn’t- I loved you more.”
Chan hums softly, mournfully, “Later, I think you’ll feel differently. I just hope you won’t hate me.”
“Never,” He chokes, “Could never hate you.”
“I saw you once, you know. When you thought I was in the office. You were going through my box of pictures, and you were looking at this one from when I was your age. You were just- just holding it. Just looking. And I had this thought that, like, when I was 21 I couldn’t even begin to imagine what the rest of my life would look like. I had just started dating Sana and being with someone forever seemed impossible. And I was watching you look at that picture and I just thought, fuck. Here you are, your whole life ahead of you, and here I am, with most of mine behind me. But I’m selfish, Lix, and I couldn’t make myself do anything. But I don’t want your whole life starting and ending with me. I want you to have everything you want, baby, and experience it all to the fullest.”
The noise wretched from his throat is ugly and shattered, devestating even to his own ears. He thinks he might die here and now, in Chan’s arms.
“I want you,” He’s choking on his own tears, unable to breathe. “I know we have to- that we can't. We can't, anymore, but I love you. "
Chan rubs his back and shushes him like a child, soothing words and gentle touches.
He can’t find anymore words to say, so he just cries. It’s a miracle his body even has the energy to produce tears, sobbing a flood in Hyunjin’s apartment and now here.
“I don’t wanna leave,” Felix hiccups, damp face pressed to Chan’s neck.
“I know,” Chan kisses his head again, “Let me call you a car, okay?”
At least Chan holds him while they wait, walks his down to the front of the building, watches him get in the car.
The last he sees of Chan is just a glimpse as the car starts down the street.
___
Summer is darkness.
Hyunjin visits sometimes, pushes his way into the thick air of Felix’s bedroom, talks to him about his day and how work was and what everyone did when they went out that weekend. Felix never comes anymore. He never asks about Chan, and Felix is glad for it. He doesn't know what he'd say.
Jisung comes over sometimes too. He never talks, just lets himself into the room and tucks himself behind Felix. Hours spent laying in the dark, just holding him.
Seungmin brings him food and water, leaves them outside his door to give him space. He talks through the door sometimes, but he doesn’t push.
He’s not sure what Hyunjin told them, but whatever it was, it wasn’t the truth and for that Felix is grateful.
For the first month after, he barely sleeps. Chan is in all his dreams. He wakes up crying, dry heaving.
The month after he sleeps too much. 20 hours at a time, only awake to go piss and crawl back into bed, staring at the wall.
All he does is think. Even when he can barely form thoughts, he is consumed by Chan entirely. It feels like his heart is outside his body, ripped out and missing.
His mom keeps calling and he ignores her, send a brief text that just says busy.
He finds himself rereading every message he’s ever sent to Chan, over and over. He could recite every one from memory by now.
Distantly, he’s glad they don’t have many pictures together.
The anger starts to come as September grows closer.
Maybe Chan was right.
Maybe Felix was young and naive and Chan was older and shouldn’t have let it happen.
He doesn’t feel like a victim, not in the way Hyunjin had tried to label him, but he feels empty. Hollow.
He tries to imagine being 47 and dating a college student. He can't. He doesn't know how to reconcile with it all, these parts of him that love Chan and hate himself, hate this situation he's found himself in.
He keeps finding himself mad that things turned out like this, mad they happened at all.
It becomes easier to fall back into normalcy with the anger. He can move around the apartment more, starts walking down to the corner store. The anger makes him mean, though. He starts seeing his friends more but he snaps at them, snarling and cruel but he apologizes after and they always forgive him.
They say they understand but they don't. They couldn't.
Walking helps. It’s still warm enough outside that he doesn’t need a jacket, so he walks. Miles, block after block. He keeps his headphones in, but he doesn’t play any music. All his favorite songs were Chan’s favorites first.
So, he walks in silence. He calls his mom the week before school starts again, listens to her yell at him for avoiding her for three months and demands they discuss graduation in the spring.
More than anything, he wishes he could close his eyes and open them in five years when he won't feel like this anymore.
“No, Bahng’s not teaching any classes this semester.”
Felix’s head snaps up, eyes on Jisung.
Lunch is at the school café, all of them piled into a tiny booth. He hadn’t been paying attention, spaced out like he usually is these days.
“What?”
He can feel Hyunjin’s eyes on him.
“I dunno,” Jisung shrugs, “I was supposed to have him for my advanced production class but I have Kim instead. Apparently Bahng took off the semester for some personal issues, or something. I asked Seo about it.”
Hyunjin changes the subject before Felix can say anything else, launching into questions about Seungmin’s vocal class.
Felix’s head is already full of cotton and mud, a headache forming behind his eyes.
Time moves sluggish and thick until they’re leaving to head to their next classes.
“It’s a good thing,” Hyunjin whispers to him, their arms linked. “You won’t have to worry about seeing him on campus.”
“Right,” Felix agrees mindlessly.
He keeps walking.
___
Spring is healing.
Jisung shrieks that Felix is back, Hyunjin and Seungmin laughing when they go out on the second Friday of the month.
He starts hanging out with more of their other friends too, Jeongin and his friends joining more hangouts.
He only thinks of Chan sometimes, in passing.
But he feels like a person again, like himself. As much of himself that's left, anyway.
Hyunjin is there when he finally cuts his hair, six inches chopped from bleached blonde and the week after, they dye it black in Seungmin’s bathroom.
Chan didn’t come back to teach in the spring, either. Professor Seo told Jisung that he didn’t quit, but he’s mostly teaching online classes and a few 100 levels for freshman. Felix doesn’t see him around at all.
Sometimes he thinks about telling his friends all the truth, but he never does.
Maybe it’s a secret he’ll always keep to himself.
___
The end-of-year showcase comes up quickly.
He works on a song with Jisung all semester and it’s mortifying, really, how vulnerable it is. He’s never been confident in his lyrics or his voice, but he puts his all into it and Jisung is so supportive, works with him through every step.
“It’s so much worse being on this side of it,” He tells Jisung, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.
There’s one more act ahead of them, and Felix thinks he might puke.
“We’ll do fine, man. It seems scary until you start performing, and then it’s easy.”
“I’m going to puke."
“Nah,” Jisung laughs, “Easy, okay? I’ll be right next to you.”
The music stops and the person ahead of them makes her way off stage, wishing them luck as she passes.
Professor Seo steps on, introducing them, and then it’s time.
He holds Jisung’s hand the whole time, the lights bright and crowd clapping and he sort of blacks out, everything a blur.
But he remembers what to do; stands in front of the mic as Jisung strums the first few notes.
When they wrote the song, he let Jisung do most of the heavy lifting, only adding a few of his own lines here and there.
As he sings them, his heart feels tight in his throat, soul bared for the entire auditorium. His parents hadn’t come, but they’ll be here for the graduation ceremony.
His voice shakes at first but Jisung was right and it becomes easier as the music plays on, falling into himself.
He’s glad he can’t see the faces of the audience as he bares his soul, getting more into the song the longer he sings.
There’s a roaring applause when it ends. Everything moves fast. He and Jisung bow, they leave stage, the room is clapping.
Jisung is chattering excitedly and Felix feels the rush of adrenaline, the thrill of performing in the tips of his fingers.
He’s barely processing what Jisung is saying, letting himself be pulled out of the auditorium and down the hall where the people who have already performed have gathered.
It hits him when they’re being greeted by everyone else that a year ago, right here, everything had unravelled.
It’s all so different now and exactly the same. He’s the same and entirely different. He wishes Chan had been there to see him perform. A year ago, he would have been.
He tells Jisung he can’t stay for the after party and leaves before he can ask why.
Knuckles rapping against wood.
Creaking hinges.
Chan, in a tank top and shorts, looking at Felix like he thinks he might be dreaming.
Maybe they both are.
“What are you doing here?” Chan frowns.
“You didn’t come to the showcase.”
Chan blinks. His hand is curled around the edge of the door. “I didn’t teach any of the classes this year.”
“You said you’d be there.”
“I didn’t think you’d want me to be.”
Felix bites the inside of his cheek. “Can I come in?”
“Is that a good idea?” Chan asks, but he steps to the side.
“I graduated. The ceremony is on Sunday. All my classes are done.”
He sits on Chan’s couch like he has a million times.
The apartment hasn’t changed in a year. Everything is in it’s place, the candles on the shelves and the piles of books.
“Congratulations,” Chan doesn’t sit. He stands awkwardly by the arm of the sofa. “I’m really proud of you, Lix. Honestly. Changbin said you’ve been doing a lot of great work this year.”
“You talk to him about me?”
Chan shrugs. “He knows I like keeping up with students work.”
“Mine in particular?”
“Felix,” Chan sighs, “Why’re you here?”
“I told you. I graduated.”
There’s a shift in the emotion on Chan’s face.
“You did.”
“You aren’t my professor anymore.”
Chan nods.
Felix can feel each thump of his heart.
Blood rushing, vision swimming. Chan sits down on the couch.
Their thighs brush.
Something quiet settles between them.
“Have you eaten? I can order that chicken you like.”
Felix grins, kicking off his shoes.