Chapter 1: How to survive kindergarten while on the spectrum
Chapter Text
The autism diagnosis shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Rachel and Nora’s parents. Young Nora had always been different from other kids; including her twin sister, Rachel. Nora has always been closed off, less social, and she wasn’t able to communicate what she wanted very well. The lack of eye contact seemed to drive their parents absolutely insane. The diagnosis answered a lot of questions, but it didn’t change the fact that they could not connect with their daughter. They didn’t know how to communicate with Nora, so they just gave up. As a result, they focused all their energy on Rachel, the child that they could communicate with. In their minds just because Nora could not be reached doesn’t mean Rachel had to be put in the same box.
While the twins became inseparable their parents were preparing to send their girls to school for the first time. Rachel didn’t know why her sister was so different from other kids, but she knew she wanted to protect and look out for Nora no matter what. She never knew why her parents spent more time with her instead of her sister but Nora, within her own right, never likes being around a lot of people, but loves spending a lot of time with her sister. For Nora it’s never been about doing something with Rachel but having her in the same room has always been enough.
When they were put into different kindergarten classes, they were not happy. Angela and James thought keeping the girls separate would be beneficial for both of them. That was until the third meltdown between the girls that first day of school. The first happened when Rachel walked into Mr. Eli’s classroom and noticed her sister was no longer following her. Rachel turned around so fast and started screaming. When Angela kneeled in front of Rachel to explain, the young girl pushed her mother to try to reach her sister. Angela had to grab Rachel and hold her hands to her side as she started swinging. When Nora tried to walk up to Rachel, James grabbed her arm to hold her in place, which just made Rachel even more angry. They eventually decided that James needed to take Nora to her class so Rachel would calm down.
After James and Nora walked away, they headed for Mrs. Jenny’s classroom. Nora seemed fine until James left the room. Without anyone familiar close by Nora started to get overwhelmed by the noise and the yelling. Nora dropped her bag and ran to the hallway; she sat on the floor covering her ears as she started to rock back and forth. She wasn’t found until Jason and Angela left Mr. Eli’s room and happened to look down the hallway. It took a while for them to get Nora to relax, even then they had to get Rachel since she is the only one able to get close to Nora when she is overstimulated.
Afterwards Rachel once again asked to be in the same class but was told no. Rachel’s next blowup wasn’t until an hour later when a kid, who happened to be in the hall with his dad during Nora’s meltdown called Nora weird. Which lead to Rachel punching him in the face. James and Angela reluctantly came back to the school after they were called about the last incident. After a long conversation with the principal, it was agreed that the girls would be put in the same classroom. Even being put into Mrs. Jenny’s room together didn’t seem to help the girls as Rachel acted like a guard dog, being very standoffish to the other kids that approach and wouldn’t let them get too close. That was until one small kid walked up to them, without fear of Rachel, who was standing in front of Nora as she was drawing. Rachel immediately recognized the other girl as one of the kids who keeps getting in trouble for wrestling. She was wearing a T-shirt two sizes too big and jeans with holes at the knees.
Rachel immediately assumed the girl was there to pick a fight whether with Rachel or Nora she wasn’t sure. Rachels anxiety, however, spiked when the scrawny kid looked past Rachel over to Nora. She could see something change in the girl’s face as she looked between Nora and Rachel. Rachel was about to question what the girl wanted when she spoke up.
“Wow, you look just alike…is one of you a clone?”
Rachel was about to yell at the girl to leave them alone when she heard a long-forgotten sound, Nora’s laugh. When Rachel turned around, she saw an amazing sight, Nora, who at this point had stopped drawing, was smiling, and laughing at what the girl had said. Despite this, five-year-old Rachel refused to smile and tried her hardest to keep a scold on her face, and asked the girl “What’s a Clone and what made you think we were one?”
“It’s an identical copy of something.” Nora managed to say though her laughs.
“Johnny made me watch a movie about clones and now its all I think about.”
This is when Rachel finally cracks a smile; mostly because Nora still hasn’t stopped laughing.
“Daddy says we are twins.” Rachel finally answered.
“What does that mean?”
“There was two of us when mommy asked the stork for a baby.”
The scrawny girl thought about it for a minute and then finally said “I still like the clone idea more.”
Ok maybe this kid was alright, if anything she at least got Nora to laugh. She also hasn’t said a word about how Nora hasn’t looked at either of them or the fact that Nora immediately went back to drawing while the conversation continued.
When the girl asked to draw with them Rachel was very reluctant to allow it. She eventually said yes, so they drew, well in Rachel and the new girl’s case they colored, in silence until it was broken by something unexpected. Nora, surprising Rachel, spoke up to ask, “What’s your name?”
“Toni Shalifoe”
“I’m Nora Reid, that’s my sister Rachel.”
Rachel took this opening of conversation to ask her own question “You fight with that girl Dorothy a lot…why?”
“She likes to wrestle, and I like to win. No one can beat me!”
Nora responded in a matter-of-fact voice “My sister can.”
Toni looked at Rachel as her eyes got wide “you think?!”
Rachel looked back at Toni, for a reason the escapes her she feels the need to compete with Toni and says, “Yes I can!”
“Ok, lets do it!” Toni says in an excited voice. Toni moved out of her seat, but Rachel was paralyzed for a second as she stared at her sister. After a long moment Rachel discovered her sister would be ok by herself and finally stood up to follow Toni.
They both moved to the mat in the center of the room, after checking that the teacher was distracted with another student, they reached for each other’s shoulders and tried to knock each other over. This first match would become one of many, it would become the start of a competition that will go on for years between the two athletes. This seemingly small interaction causes Rachel to smile for what feels like the first time.
If Nora notices the other kids joining the wrestling match or sitting with her to color, she doesn’t mention it. Nora doesn’t even look up until she hears Toni cheering after she took down Rachel, Dorothy, and a girl named Fatin, one right after the other. She was prepared for her sister, who normally was a sore loser, to be mad and start yelling. Imagine her surprise when she noticed Rachel smiling at Toni and even accepting the hand Toni offered to get off the floor. That’s when she finally noticed the girl sitting next to her reading a book meant for older children. When she asked the girl named Leah about the book it led to a conversation about tree houses and history.
After a while Rachel finally looked at Nora again and smiled. Maybe her sister didn’t need her protection from everyone; maybe every once in a while, they could just play and be happy. “Toni! Are you ok?” Fatin yelled.
Rachel turned to where Dorothy was playing with two other girls named Martha and Shelby. Toni and Fatin had started to wrestle again, and Fatin had knocked Toni over. Toni had fallen into the blocks the three girls were playing with and knocked over their structure. Rachel tensed up; she was afraid her new friend was going to get into a fight. The anxious feeling went away as soon as Martha started laughing at Toni; followed quickly by the other children. Toni stood up, dusted herself off, and yelled at Fain “Let’s go again!” Toni had never smiled so brightly before.
With her anxiety finally gone Rachel could relax and Nora, who finally looked up after all the noise, thought, maybe this weird group of kids could mean something to Nora and her sister. If Toni, however, ended up in timeout at some point that day, none of them mention it later on.
Chapter 2: What's a home?
Summary:
Toni, the enigma known as her mother, and her time in foster care. Also know as a young, confused Toni trying to figure out why her life is so different.
Trigger warning: mentions of child abuse within the foster care system, non descriptive
Notes:
So like I said in the last chapter, I do have a time line I'm following so I'll try to remember to put the ages and their current grade in the notes so its easier to follow. In this case its been a few weeks since the group started kindergarten so Toni is still five years old. In the first chapter all of them were five except for Dot who turned six right before they started school. There's not a lot of dialogue this chapter is more of a world builder. I'm also going to add trigger warning to each chapter depending on the context. Go to end notes for a quick summer if you'd prefer.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Toni…Toni… honey, are you listening?”
“Toni your mother is speaking to you.”
Five-year-old Toni finally noticed that her mother and the social worker were talking to her. She looked around the small room that is support to belong to her at her mother’s house; she doesn’t live with her mom, but she sees her once a week. She has something called ‘supervised visitation’, what does that even mean? Toni had been in the foster care system for as long as she could remember. She’s been in four different homes over the years; the only constant thing being her weekly visits with her mother that last four hours. She doesn’t know why she doesn’t live with the woman she has to call ‘mom’. She knows her friends at school all live with their mom and someone called…“daddy?” she thinks. So why doesn’t she live with her mommy? Does she even have a daddy? The whole thing confuses Toni. Why does she have to go back the Mr. and Mrs. Jones’ house if she has a mommy?
“Toni, would you like to go to Disney soon?” her mother asked. Toni looked at her and nodded her head. “Here baby let’s play.” Toni’s mother handed her a doll to play with as she sat down on the floor to join Toni.
“What do you want to call your baby, love?” Toni shrugged her shoulders as her mother suggested names until they decided on the name Penny.
After trying for twenty minutes to get Toni to play with the dolls, her mother gave up and decided to try something else.
The Jones’ have an older kid who is really mean to Toni, Mr. Jones locks the fridge at night, and they yell a lot, at Toni and each other. At least Mr. Jones is nicer than Mr. Rob was; he’d hurt Toni whenever she acted up and sometimes when she didn’t. She never understood why he did, maybe he was just angry or maybe Toni was just a bad kid. Either way she’d rather go with the stranger she calls mom than go back to a house that won’t let her eat. If she had a choice though, she would want to go back to Mrs. Jazmine, she was always nice to Toni. She took care of her, and Toni enjoyed the time she spent there. Even though Mrs. Jazmine was older and couldn’t play with Toni all the time; she taught Toni how to plant things and what a garden was. She taught Toni how to read, count, and how to play basketball. She loved living there and her heart broke when her "caseworker?" showed up to take her to a new home. These adults keep using big words that Toni doesn’t understand. Toni was told that Mrs. Jasmine wasn’t well enough to watch children anymore, so Toni had to go somewhere else. Toni can’t remember much of anything from all the homes she lived in, but she remembers Mrs. Jazmine. She remembers the glasses she wore on a chain on her neck, the smell of cinnamon, the fading name tattoo on her arm. When asked about it she told Toni she lost her husband and young daughter years before she became a foster parent. Damn does Toni miss her some days.
“Toni, would you like to build this puzzle with me?” her mother asked as she dumped a small puzzle on the floor.
“Ok” Toni responded as she reached for a piece. Toni quickly got agitated with the puzzle and started throwing pieces, she has always had problems controlling her anger.
“That’s ok honey, we don’t have to build a puzzle, would you like to read a book together?”
Toni finally calmed down enough to shake her head yes and she went to pick a book from the self. After handing her mother a Clifford book she climbed onto the bed; followed by her mother.
It’s ok though, Toni may live with a mean older boy, a mean man that locks the fridge at night, and two people that fight all day but at least now Toni can go to school. She may have to see a stranger once a week, but school gets her away from all the yelling for a while. Plus, there’s this girl named Martha who Toni thinks is funny. Another named Leah, who doesn’t like to talk, so sometimes she and Toni will just sit together and read. Dorothy, who likes to be called Dot, likes to wrestle with Toni during free play. Even though they sometimes get in trouble for it. There’s another girl named Fatin who shows Toni the “correct” way to build a town out of Legos. There’s Nora and Rachel who look alike and Toni still thinks one of them is a clone. Rachel calls them twins, but Toni doesn’t believe that. Besides the first time Toni said it, Nora laughed really hard, and Toni wants to keep making her laugh. There’s another girl named Shelby, who talks about God sometimes. Toni’s not sure how she feels about someone watching her all the time, but Shelby has really pretty eyes, so Toni listens to her talk about it. The place she has to call home isn’t perfect but she’s as happy as she can be.
“Okay Toni it’s time to say goodbye to your mother.” The social worker said.
This is what finally took Toni out of her daze and realized she was still in her “bedroom”. Looking around Toni notices the whole room in pink and girly and everything she hates. It’s at this moment that Toni truly understood that her mother had no idea who Toni was and what she liked. She’s only seen her mother a handful of times that she can remember but every time her mother only talks about things they will do in the future. She never asks Toni about her interests or what she does all week. She never asks about Toni’s friends or school, and it makes Toni wonder if her mother even cares.
When Toni hopped off the bed to leave her mother pulled her into a tight hug. Toni reluctantly hugged her mother back until the case worker said it was time to go. Her mother told Toni she wished they could go home together which just made Toni wonder once again why she didn’t live with her mother. Why did she have to go home to strangers when her mother, who granted is another stranger, wanted her to stay with her. Toni will be much older when she discovers why her mother did not raise her but until then she will be in strangers’ homes. Homes like the Jones’ with all the yelling, crying, cursing, and fighting a boy twice her size. Toni wishes things would be different; that she was old enough to understand the whole reason behind all of this. To understand why she lived with strangers, why she constantly had to move, and why she couldn’t see Mrs. Jasmine again. Maybe someday she can see Mrs. Jasmine again and thank her for being one of the nice ones. Maybe she can one day thank Mrs. Jasmine for opening her home up to a kid who had nowhere else to go.
Notes:
Toni's been in four homes, two being not ok, including her current home. Another was ok, and the fourth one was perfect before her foster mother got sick. Toni feels like her mother is a stranger and Toni is very standoffish during her current supervised visit. Toni would rather be with her friends over staying in a room her mother prepared. A room that reflects nothing that Toni enjoys.
Chapter 3: I wanted a sister!
Summary:
Martha is the first to become a big sister...and she's not happy about it.
Notes:
This is a really light hearted chapter of trying to get use to the idea of a sibling. This takes place the summer between kindergarten and the first grade up until the following summer. Although the first bit is from the last week of Kindergarten.
Trigger warning: Difficult labor
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
When Martha was asked if she wanted a younger sibling she was beyond excited; what little girl wouldn’t want to have a little sister to play with, someone to look up to her? Imagine her shock when six-year-old Martha was told she was getting a little brother. She was beyond mad, she kept crying about wanting a sister, and she couldn’t understand why it had to be a boy. A sister would be so much more fun than a brother would be. Martha threw a fit and was angry though out her mother’s whole pregnancy. Even her friends didn’t seem to understand.
“You’re going to have a brother? That’s so cool!” Shelby had said when Martha informed her friends at free play about her soon to be sibling.
“Yea being a big sibling is awesome, you can get your sibling to do what you want!” Rachel had chimed in.
“You are only older by 18 minutes.” Nora said matter-of-factly, without once looking up from her sketch book.
“No! You guys don’t get it! I don’t want a brother!” Martha had shouted.
“Why not? Johnny is a jerk, but Jamie was a cool kid when I lived with Mr. Ryan.” Toni had responded.
“I just want a sister!” Martha was getting mad again, why couldn’t her friends understand that having a sister would be so much better.
Martha remembers the day she woke up to her mother screaming. She had no idea what was going on, all she remembers is getting dropped off at Dot’s place. She watched her parents drive away without any idea of what was happening.
She spent most of the day playing with Dot and asking Mr. Campbell questions about what her parents were doing. Before bedtime Mr. Cambell received a phone call, afterwards he looked at young Martha with a grim smile. “Looks like you and Dottie are going to have a longer playday then we thought it might be a couple days.”
One day turned into two, then three, then finally four, when her father showed up to take her to her mother, she was even more confused about why they were heading to a hospital. When she was taken to the nursery, she finally understood that her brother had arrived. Her father, Russell, was handed the baby by the current nurse. He knelt down to Martha’s high so she could see her brother. When Russell asked Martha if she wanted to hold her brother she refused. Instead, she just kept asking for her mom and when she would be allowed to see her. The look on her father’s face got dark as he said “Honey, mommy isn’t doing ok right now, she got really sick when she was having your brother, and she just needs more time to rest.” Martha could tell her dad wasn’t telling her the whole truth, but she was too busy ignoring her ‘brother’ to notice.
“Would you like to hold your brother now? His name is Jace.” Russell said again, trying to distract Martha.
“NO! I want a sister!” Martha had yelled, this startled baby Jace, who started to cry.
As Russell tried to soothe Jace, Martha took off down the hall. She ended up hiding in an empty room and sulked until a nurse found her and returned her to her father.
“Where were you honey? You can’t run off like that.” Russell said as he laid Jace down in the basinet next to where his wife was sound asleep. He lifted Martha up onto the bed being mindful of the tubes connected to his wife.
“Why does mommy look like that?” Martha asked.
“Because she got sick honey, but she’s ok now she’s just sleeping.” Martha and Russell stayed inside the room for the next three hours until Bernice woke up. “Hey, love how are you feeling?” Russell asked Bernice.
“I feel fine now where’s my boy?”
Russell handed Jace to Bernice as Martha moved to get a better look at her mom. Martha watched he mom and dad interact with her brother and was over come with a feeling of jealousy. She started to pull on her mother’s arm to get her attention, which jolted Jace and made Bernice afraid of dropping him.
“Martha, stop that you are going to hurt your brother!”
“He’s not my brother!” “Love please I’m too tired to argue right now.” Bernice said as Russell moved Martha to the chair next to the bed to give Bernice some breathing room.
“Martha, I know this is hard for you but we all have to learn to be a family of four now, ok?” Russell said as he knelt in front of Martha’s chair. Martha looked at her mother, father, and baby brother and couldn’t get rid of the feeling that she was going to be replaced.
For months now Martha has been woken up every night by her brother crying and she is so tired of it. Her parents have no time for her, they even ignored the picture she drew for them at school. She was getting completely frustrated with the situation. When Jace was learning how to talk it was a complete surprise to hear his first word.
“Si…sis…sissy!” Jace had said. Their parents were so excited and tried to get him to say something else, but he just kept repeating that one word.
“Sissy, sissy, sissy!”
When Martha finally acknowledged him, Jace smiled and reached for his sister. Martha turned back around to continue her homework completely ignoring her brother.
This would become a pattern of Jace trying to get Martha’s attention and Martha completely ignoring him. Every time he would try to play with her, Martha would just push him away. Their parents tried everything they could think of to get the kids to get alone but nothing seemed to be working.
When Jace started walking Bernice would take them to the playground. Martha would run off with her friends and leave Jace to fend for himself, under the watch of their mother of course. Jace didn’t like the big structures so much, but he loved the sand box and would bring his toy dump truck every time they went. Jace would spend the whole time playing by himself in the sandbox and Martha never thought much of it until she heard him yell for her. When she looked over, she saw that another boy, about a year younger them Martha, had pushed him over. Something in Martha seemed to snap when she heard her brother crying for her. She ran over and yelled at the other kid “Leave my brother alone!”
“I want the truck!” the boy yelled as he tried to snatch the truck that Jace had dropped. Martha reached to stop the boy when he tried to push Martha as well, she knocked him back into the sandbox, not hard enough to hurt him, just to scare him, he started to cry and ran off.
Martha helped her brother off the ground and back to their mom. After that day Martha started to pay more attention to her brother. It took another month for her to notice what was on the fridge. When she shut the fridge, a colorful paper fell off it, covered in figures and random shapes. It took Martha a moment to realize it was the drawing she had made in class. She was so happy to see it after believing her parents didn’t even care about it. Then her smile started to dim as she remembered what it was. A family drawing of her, her mother, and father. After thinking about it for a minute Martha went to find her crayons. When she was finished, she hung it back on the fridge for all to see. When her parents noticed the change by the adding of a fourth person drawn on the page, holding Martha’s hand, they too couldn’t stop smiling every time they walked past it.
Notes:
I know another very cheesy chapter but until we reach teenage years most of them are going to be like this lol. I promise some of the upcoming chapters are longer, just have to get to them lol.
Chapter 4: Drums are cooler
Summary:
Fatin's mother wants her to learn an instrument, something classy...like the cello. Fatin doesn't really agree with her mom. And her dad? He's just trying to keep the peace.
Notes:
I feel like Fatin was a huge daddy's girl when she was little and I wanted to explore that a little. Fatin is the only one to show up in this chapter, just her and her parents...fun.
Trigger warning: none
Chapter Text
“I want to play the drums!” Fatin yelled at her mother.
“Drums are not ladylike Fatin; I played the violin when I was your age, your grandmother played the viola, and her mother played the bass, so you will play the cello.”
“I don’t want to!”
This argument has been going on for hours now ever since Rana told her daughter she wanted her to take up an instrument. The argument would continue until Samid stepped in.
“Hey, come on now you two, that’s enough. Alright, ya binti,” Samid started as he knelt in front of Fatin, “how about we make a deal huh? You learn the Cello now like your mom wants and when you’re a bit older, when your tall enough to reach the pedal on a drum set, you can learn to play then, sound good?”
Fatin thought for a minute and then signed “Ok, daddy.”
“Good then your first lesson with Mr. Lee will take place tomorrow and I don’t want to hear anything else about drums until you are much older.” Rana said before she walked away. Samid winked at Fatin before sending her a smile as he stood up to go back to watching tv.
\The following day didn’t go as Rana planned. Mr. Lee showed up promptly at nine a.m. and Fatin is anything but a morning person. When Mr. Lee arrived, Fatin was barely able to keep her eyes open and was very moody. The minute they sat down with their instruments Fatin started to complain.
“It’s to heavy!” Fatin complained, “It gets easier with time.” Mr. Lee responded.
“The bow hurts my hand!”
“You will build calluses over time and that will help.”
“Why are there so many notes?!”
“The different sounds work in different ways though out music.”
After a grueling three hours the section was over, and Mr. Lee had left. Samid walked over to Fatin to ask, “So ya binti, how was your first lesson?”
“I hate it! It’s not fun!”
“Well best not say that to your mother but I’m sure you will learn to love it down the line.”
“No, I won’t! I don’t want to play the cello!”
“Ok, ok, honey, how about we give it three weeks and if you still don’t like it then I will convince your mother to let you stop alright?”
“Ok, daddy.” Fatin said reluctantly. When Rana entered the living room, she informed them that Mr. Lee had told her that he believed Fatin had a lot of potential and could become a great cellist with some practice. Fatin smiled and looked at her father as he told her mother, “Of course she has potential and is going to be great, she’s our kid.”
Over the course of the next three weeks Fatin’s tolerance for the cello had increased and she had started to enjoy playing it.
“Very good Fatin you’re picking this up faster than we were expecting, I’m very proud of you.”
“Thank you, Mr. Lee.” Fatin replied as Mr. Lee packed up for the day.
“Wait Mr. Lee! Look!” Fatin ran up to him to show him her hand. “Daddy said it’s a callus, just like you said I would get!”
“That’s right Fatin and do you know what that means? It means you’ve been working really hard and you’re doing an amazing job. Keep it up and you will be getting more. I will see you next week.”
After months of practice, Rana pushed young Fatin to sign up for her school talent show. After being added to the roster, Rana took Fatin dress shopping.
“How about this one?” Rana said has she held up a yellow dress that immediately made Fatin upset, “I want a blue dress!”
“Fatin honey blue is not your color, if you don’t want the yellow dress then we will have to go with the green one.” Rana said.
“I want blue!” Fatin yelled as she pushed away the green dress her mother was trying to hand her.
“That’s enough Fatin, we will be getting the green dress now so stop crying.” Rana said as she grabbed the green dress with her right hand and Fatin’s hand with the other. She pulled Fatin over to the counter to pay for the dress as Fatin continued to throw a fit. Getting Fatin in the car after is even more of a feat than it was to get her out of the store. After wrestling her into her booster seat and driving home she called Samid so he could get his unruly daughter out of the car.
When Samid went to get Fatin, he could tell she wasn’t happy. “What happened ya binti? Why are you upset.” Samid asked as he got his daughter out of the car. “Mommy wouldn’t let me get the dress I wanted; green is an ugly color!” Fatin said to her father.
“Oh, is that what happened? Well did you know green is daddy’s favorite color? I bet you will look beautiful in it. Even if green is ugly, I bet you can make it look so pretty, love.”
“You think so?” Fatin asked looking for some type of reassurance.
“I’m positive love now let’s go inside; I made your favorite for dinner.”
The night of the talent show finally arrived and Fatin could not be any more excited. She loves being the center of attention and for a short time tonight everyone would be paying attention to her. When it was time for Fatin to take the stage, she sat in her chair with her cello and looked at the crowd. A sea of strangers until she locked eyes with the one person she wanted to see, her dad. Of course, her mom was sitting with him, but it honestly would not have bothered her if her mom wasn’t there. The stern look on her mother’s face with her crossed arms never gave her a warm feeling of comfort like the look in her dad’s eyes did. He always had a warm disposition to him that made Fatin feel safe.
Seeing her dad was enough for Fatin to relax and play her piece. The same piece that Mr. Lee was teaching her to play for this very moment and play she did. She performed her part as much as a young child could until she missed her first note. Fatin flinched as she looked at her mom who just kept scolding, but she relaxed again when her father smiled at her. She managed to finish the song, only missing three more note, and leave the stage.
After waiting backstage for the talent show to end, Fatin went to find her parents and ran into her father’s arms. Her mother immediately started to talk about how she could improve for next time, but Samid stopped her. “It was her first performance love; she did amazing and will do amazing next time, she’ll performs just as well. Why don’t we just go home and celebrate our little girl’s first concert?” Rana signed and agreed with her husband as they headed to their car. That night was filled with laughter as Samid had planed for them to watch Fatin’s favorite movie, he made her favorite dinner once again, and he set out her favorite game to be played before she was sent to bed.
Once her bedtime had rolled around, Samid went with Fatin to tuck her in and told her “You did amazing tonight ya binti, and I’m so proud of you. You had a long night though, so you need to get to sleep. I love you baby.”
“Alright daddy…I love you.”
Chapter 5: the wild ferrets
Summary:
The kids, wanting to spend the summer together, join a soccer team together. Their coach? Non other then Tim Campbell.
Notes:
This takes place the summer before second grade, all the kids are seven with Dot about to turn 8. My personal headcanon is that Dot's mom passed in childbirth.
Toni's current home: Foster parents Mickeal and Pam, Foster brother Johnny
Trigger warning: none
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Would you be our coach if we played?” Dot asked her father when she finally looked up from her history homework. He had just informed her that he would be coaching a soccer team, once again, this year. This would be the first year that Dot and her friends will be old enough to actually play on a soccer team.
“Yes, if you and your friends join this year, I would be your coach, have you talked to the other girls?” Tim asked his daughter.
“No, not yet.”
“Well let me know if you guys want to get signed up and I’ll talk to the director about who will be on the team.”
“Thanks daddy.” Dot said, buzzing with excitement, as she went back to her homework. She couldn’t wait to go to school tomorrow and tell her friends that they will have something to do over the summer. The kids lived all across the town of Hopewell Lake, spending summers together the past two years had been difficult, but soccer would give them the chance to spend more time as a group.
During recess the next day Dot decided to broach the topic. Rachel was easy enough to get on board. She had been wanting to play a sport anyways so playing soccer with her friends seemed like a good idea. Nora was also easy; she would join as long as Rachel would play. The others, however, would need permission from their parents to even consider it. Over the next two weeks the other girls did their best to get their parents on board. Fatin hated anything sports related, but it would get her out of a hand full of cello lessons. Having her dad wrapped around her finger helped because he managed to convince her mother that doing other activities over the break would be the best thing to keep her from experiencing burnout. Leah, being the uncoordinated kid that she is, was concerned about her ability to actually play, but she was more worried about being left behind, so she joined as well.
Shelby’s parents are signing her up for pageants next year, so she is hoping to get one more free summer. At first her father was completely against it but after a lengthy conversation with his wife, Dave finally agreed that playing soccer could be a good form of exercise. Martha would only sign up if Toni did, but Toni would be the hardest to recruit. It’s not that Toni doesn’t want to play, she absolutely does, but the situation with the Jones family hasn’t gotten any better. They don’t really care what Toni does, but it would be difficult to get them to sign a permission slip. That weekend during a check up with her social worker Toni, seeing an opportunity to catch Pam of guard In front of another adult, mentioned it.
“Pam, my friends are playing soccer this summer, can I get signed up to?” Toni asked as she walked into the living room. “Hello Toni! I didn't realize that you were interested in sports this year. I think that’s a great idea, Toni." Her caseworker turned back to Pam and Mickeal, "It would be good for her to get out with her friends more this year.” The social worker said. Pam forced a smile as she said, “Of course honey, we will sign you up next week ok?”
“Thank you!” Toni said in a chipper voice as she walked back to ‘her room’, trying to ignore the scold on Mickeal’s face over being interrupted. After all the permission slips and papers were signed, the only thing left to do was wait for the summer.
When the time finally came the girls were put on Coach Campbell’s team along with a handful of other kids to round out the full team. The first practice of the season did not go as planned at all. None of the children would listen to Coach and Dot was getting annoyed that her dad was being ignored. She looked at Toni wrestling with Leah by a goal, and at Rachel watching Nora draw not far from Toni and Leah. She had an idea.
“Rachel, Toni, I bet I could bet you both in a race!” Dot had yelled and she took of for the goal on the other side of the field. Toni looked up just in time to see Rachel chasing Dot and quickly followed after them. They race to the goal and back again with Dot being the obvious winner. Tim tossed a soccer ball to Dot who bounced it off her head and kicked it to Toni, Toni in turn passed to Shelby, and the ball got sent around until everyone was paying attention to the ball.
After three practices coach Campbell noticed the small dynamics between the kids. Toni would get mad if anyone hit Martha or Shelby with the soccer ball, by accident or not. Nora wasn’t big on actually playing; she really enjoyed helping him draw up different plays for games and deciding on what they needed to practice on each day. Fatin and Leah liked to stay together most of the time. Toni and Rachel’s competition in everything seemed to be healthy for them and kept them focused so Tim didn’t say much about it. Martha would rather pick flowers and find shapes in clouds so it was decided that Martha would be the goalie. Shelby was a natural soccer player, she gives Toni and Rachel a run for their money, and the smile on her face as she plays cannot be matched. As for his little Dottie, she takes her role as assistant coach very seriously, from preparing the snacks to setting up drills. Sometimes when snacks are getting passed out Dot will give out extra that she had packed. Tim, if he ever noticed, never mentioned it to her, he knew that it all came from a place of concern. Concern for Fatin when she has soccer and cello on the same day causing her to forget to eat. Concern for Shelby and her growling stomach every time her father cuts back her dinner because ‘pageant season is coming’. Concern for Toni when her current home would ‘forget’ to feed her or they lock the fridge. Dot had even started packing extra for other kids on the team such as Taylor Raymon who has low blood sugar.
Coach Campbell couldn’t be prouder of the person his daughter was becoming. She reminded him of his late wife more and more each day; her mother being the most compassionate woman he had ever meet. When their first game came to pass the kids were beyond excited. Most of their parents showed up for support along with little Jace who keeps trying to run towards his sister on the field. Toni and Rachel insisted on playing forward alongside another kid named Jamie Martin. Shelby, Dot, and Taylor played midfield while Leah and Fatin played defenders. Nora wanted to stay on the sidelines with Coach Campbell while Martha played goalie. When the whistle blew Toni and Rachel raced to not only beat the other team but each other as well. Rachel reached it first and quickly moved around the kid across from her and passed the ball over to Jamie who ended up losing it to the other team. When a kid on the other team, no bigger than Toni, tried to pass the midfield they were stopped by Shelby who managed to kick the ball out from the other kid’s feet and send it over to Fatin. Fatin then passed to Toni after barely missing being knocked down by a kid that was running at her. Toni ran with the ball across the field until she was in front of the defenders and had a quick fight over the ball. She managed to kick the ball between the other kid's legs and launched it to Rachel again. Rachel then decided to go for a goal; she kicked with all her might and the ball soared through the air into the right corner of the net just out of the goalie's reach. Rachel had just made the first goal of the season.
“Go Rachel!” Nora yelled from the side lines. Rachel looked back at her sister with a big smile on her face and waved. Rachel looked for her parents but couldn’t find them. That’s alright, she has her sister, friends, and…
“That’s how you girls play! Keep it up all of you!” Tim yelled.
Rachel’s smile just got bigger, she has Coach Campbell who would always be their biggest supporter.
The season would go on like that though out the summer with the Wild ferrets winning four out of seven games all the way up until the final. It was the wild ferrets against the speed lions tied at three points each when the incident happened. Both teams wanted to come out as the champions and were doing everything they could to win. It was all going fine until an older kid got too close and knocked Shelby over. Coach Campbell called a timeout when it took Shelby a minute to get back up. Toni and Dot ran up to Shelby and discovered her ankle was twisted badly. Toni, seeing red, ran up to the other kid and tackled him to the ground and started hitting him. Seeing this Coach Campbell ran to Toni and pulled her off the other kid as Dot helped Shelby back to the side lines.
“Toni! Toni! Stop kid!” Coach Campbell yelled as he picked her up and carried her to the side as the ref blew his whistle and waved a red card. With Toni and Shelby both sidelined for the rest of the game it wasn’t looking good. Rachel and Jamie tried to score but it was getting increasingly more difficult as the timer got closer to the end.
The tie would finally be broken by a kid on the other team. When they took their shot, Martha dived for the ball, and it soared right past her fingertips. They had lost and for the first time since meeting her friends Rachel wanted to fight Toni for real. After the other team had left, Rachel stomped up to Toni and started yelling, “Why did you do that!? We lost the game because of you!”
“He pushed Shelby! I had to do something!”
“It was an accident!”
“No, it wasn’t! you saw that boy he was huge; he did that on pur…”
“Enough!” Coach Campbell yelled, for probably the first time in his life. “Everyone get over here.” All the kids reluctantly formed a circle around them.
Coach Campbell kneeled down to their level as he started to talk. “Now I know this is not how any of us wanted this to play out, but we didn’t play to beat the other teams. That’s never been what this was about, this has always been about you all working as a team. Learning how to adapt and learn from each other. Wanting to be the best isn’t a bad thing but when it can make you turn on your friends then its time to step back and think. Rachel, Toni, do you really want this game to be the reason that you stop being friends?”
“No, Coach.” Both girls said as they looked at the ground.
“All of you are so good at what you do but this was also the first time most of you had played a team sport. This will not be the last time for most of you and you will always meet someone who makes you doubt what you can do. You will all go on to do amazing things but do not lose your heads along the way. Fights, like what happened, could end badly for everyone involved. The only time you should ever put your hands on someone else is to protect yourself or a loved one. Never over something petty like a soccer match. You will learn many lessons though out your life; let this be one of those lessons. Sometimes we lose and sometimes we win but at the end of the day there will always be another competition, another match, another round. That just means there’s another chance to not only do the best you can but to also have fun while you are doing it. Ok? Keep that in mind.”
Coach Campbell stood up and dismissed his team of their final meeting. As the kids ran off to their parents Tim put his hand on his daughter’s head as she stood right next to him. She looked up at him and smiled.
Notes:
You can't convince me that Tim Campbell isn't the biggest supporter of Dot and all of her friends, he's going to be a segregate father for most of them because lets face it most of their dads are garbage.
Chapter 6: Am I enough yet?
Summary:
Shelby's parents sign her up for pageants but there's a problem.
Notes:
Timeline: Beginning of second grade
Trigger warning: Dave Goodkind
Seriously fuck Dave, he's somehow even more of a dick then in the show. Poor Shelby though, that kid deserves so much better. Some Shelby centered stories will talk about Christianity, of course, and I have a very complicated relationship with organized religion so if anything comes off as Christian bashing I apologize in advance. This is also one of my longer chapters so I'm a bit proud of this one.
Chapter Text
“Shelby I am growing tired of this conversation. You need to pick a talent; I don’t care what as long as you are good at it. Now pick something or I will pick one for you.” Shelby’s father said as he sat filling out Shelby’s pageant forms.
“Daddy, I don’t want to do this.” Shelby said as she shrunk into the uncomfortable wooden chair she sat in next to her father. “We’ve been over this Shelby, I allowed you to play that wretched sport as long as you didn’t fight me on the pageants. Your mother and grandmother were both pageant winners and you will be to. Now sit there as you think about a talent before I send you back to your room. Good children are seen and not heard.”
After that scolding Shelby sat in silence trying to figure out what she is could do for the talent portion of the pageant. She was stuck, however, on what she could possibly be good at. Her father always tearing down any confidence that Shelby had in any activity that she does. He had always been critical of Shelby and her activities, always ridiculing anything she took an interest in and always telling her how she needed to be better. How is Shelby supposed to impress a room full of strangers if her own father is never impressed with anything that she does?
After a long hour of awkward silence, Dave finished most of the application and turned to his daughter. “Have you decided on something yet?” Shelby stared down at her hands in her lap as she wrung her hands together. Not receiving an answer, Dave let out a heavy sigh, closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose. Shelby felt her heart drop at the look she had received too many times in her short life. That look always meant that she disappointed her father and that has always been the last thing that Shelby wanted.
Dave, finally looking down at Shelby again, said “Fine, I didn’t want to choose singing because it seems like everyone settles for it but it will have to do. You’re in lessons now and since you won’t choose something else it’s the best that we have.” They sat in silence, Shelby listening to the scratching of the pencil as her mind went wild. What would her father criticize next? Her weight? Her voice? She is still missing two teeth near the front of her mouth and she knows her dad hates it. After filling out the last section of the application Dave stood up, gathered the application packet, and walked away without another word. He left young Shelby sitting in that uncomfortable chair as she tried to hold back her tears. She sat there for hours wishing things were different, wishing her daddy would love her and the things she found interesting. She didn’t move until her mother called her for dinner.
After sitting down at the table her father spoke to her for the first time in hours. “Shelby why don’t you say grace tonight.” “Ok daddy…Lord God, heve…hevenl…”
“Heavenly Shelby, say it right.”
“Sorry daddy, Lord God, heavenly father, bless us and these gifts.”
“Thy gifts Shelby.”
“Right, thy gifts which we receive from thy bounty…”
“Shelby, I swear, Lord God, Heavenly Father, bless us and these Thy gifts which we receive from Thy bountiful goodness, through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.” Shelby and her mother say amen in unison when Dave is done. “After dinner you will practice grace until you get it right.”
“Yes daddy.” Shelby spent the next two hours before bed trying to memorize how to say grace. Afterwards her mother tucked her into bed after praying together. Shelby cried that night as she thought about the day’s event.
The next day at school, during recess, Shelby informed her friends about the pageants. “So, you get to wear pretty dresses?” Fatin asked “and sing in front of people? That’s awesome why don’t you want to do it?”
“Mommy picks out my dress and daddy has to say yes. I don’t get to pick my own dress. I have to stop playing soccer to, I don’t want to.”
“What? That’s not fair! Your so good!” Toni said as she lost her grip on the monkey bars. She stood right back up to try again. Rachel had dared Toni to cross to monkey bars two at a time. Dot was trying in vain to get Toni to stop after the fourth time she fell.
“What color is your dress going to be?” Nora asked as she was drawing in her notebook. She was swaying back and forth on the swing set next to Martha. Martha looked over at the drawing of a field in Nora’s notebook before asking her if she would draw a horse. Nora smiled before changing to a clean page to start drawing again.
“Probably pink, I wish it was green, it’s a better color.”
“Did you ask your mommy for a green dress?” Leah asked, finally looking up from her book. They can never tell when Leah is paying attention, so it always surprises them when she jumps into conversations.
“Daddy said green doesn’t look good on me, and the judges want pretty colors.”
“He’s crazy, you look pretty in green!” Toni said as she finally reached the other side of the monkey bars. She jumped off to high five Dot who then tried to put Toni into a head lock. “You could never make me wear a dress.” Dot said as she took Toni down to the ground. Dot jumped up to run behind Martha to push her swing in a surprise attack. Martha let out a squeal which quickly turned into laughter. The conversation died down as the bell rang for lunch, talk about dresses and pageants quickly turn to conversations about food and multiplication.
They were only three days into second grade and Shelby was already tired of being separated from the others. The principal of Hopewell elementary learned early on that the eight of them would need to be split up as they got older. Shelby was put in the same class as Fatin and Dot, luckily they were able to sit together as the desks were grouped into fours with an empty desk next to Shelby. Dot was across from Shelby with Fatin right next to her; Fatin and Dot were talking quietly during their art project while Shelby was spacing out. She could not stop thinking about the dress her parents are going to make her wear. She was only pulled out of her thought when Fatin threw an eraser at her. Shelby looked up at Fatin who tilted her head to Dot. When Shelby looked at Dot she had marker on her face, obviously caused by Fatin and Shelby couldn’t help but laugh. Her daddy and mommy might not always see her more then a porcelain doll but her friends always see her and know how to make her smile.
The kids sat though the rest of the day until class dismissal when they were corralled outside to the car riders and bus pick up. Martha and Toni said goodbye to the group as then headed down the walk past to Martha’s house. Dot, Fatin, and Leah all boarded their buses as they waved goodbye. Shelby, Rachel, and Nora sat on the curb as they listened to the teachers calling children’s names as they checked the approved pick-up list. Rachel and Shelby talked about soccer as Nora was drawing using the colored pencils that Rachel gave her for their birthday. After ten minutes Rachel and Nora heard their names being call. Rachel jumped up from the curb as she grabbed her backpack, Nora however was much slowed to get up as she gathered her art supplies, she ripped a page out of her art book before handing it to Shelby. Shelby looked at Nora completely confused as she ran off after her sister.
When they were out of sight Shelby finally looked down at the paper and saw that Nora had drawn their friend group. They were at a playground, Martha and Fatin on the swings, Dot, Rachel and Toni on the monkey bars, while Shelby, Leah, and Nora were sitting at the base of an oak tree. What really caught Shelby’s eye was the green dress Nora had drawn Shelby in. It was a beautiful and simple dress that matched Shelby’s eyes. Shelby smiled as she stared at the paper in her hands, only looking up when she hears her name being called. She looked up at her teacher standing by her father’s car. She jumped up from the curb to walk to her father’s car and climbed into the back seat. Her father immediately started talking about the pageants again as he started to drive them home. Her mother turned around in the front seat to smile at Shelby, but all Shelby could do was look at her and think about her unborn sister. Jobeth isn’t far in her pregnancy; just recently finding out the sex of the baby. Shelby listened to her father talk while she hopes things would be different for her sister.
The pageants are fast approaching when Dave takes Shelby to the dentist for x-rays. Dr. Willmer slid his chair from his desk over to when Shelby was laying in the dentil chair with her father standing right beside her.
“So, it seems young Shelby does have a genetic condition meaning her two missing adult incisors will not be growing as they simply don’t exist. About two percent of the world has this condition, there’s really nothing that can be done to fix it.”
“What are our options then? She has pageants in two months, and she can’t go on stage missing teeth.”
“We can have dentures made but even if we start today it takes six to twelve weeks so I can’t guarantee they will arrive on time for the first pageant. When she’s eighteen we can talk implants.”
“Right, well let’s get started on the dentures then and pray it gets here in time.” Dave said with a heavy sigh.
“Of course, Dave, now Shelby, I need you to stay still as I take more measurements alright?”
After another hour of sitting in the chair Shelby was finally allowed to stand up. Dave put his hand on her shoulder as they started to head out the door. “Thank you for this Ray, we will see you at church on Sunday.” Dave said.
“Of course, have a blessed day Dave, young Shelby.”
Two months of singing practices, weight tracking, and speeches later the first pageant had arrived. Shelby’s dentures still had not arrived and Dave was aggravated by this. He had been very short with both Shelby and Jobeth lately. Jobeth has been fixing Shelby’s make up and putting her into a very pink and frilly dress for the past three hours. When Dave came to collect Shelby, she reluctantly followed him out the door. He led her to the car and opened the back door for her. After Dave got in and started driving, Shelby started to stare out of the window. The fifteen minute car ride to the local theater was the longest time of Shelby’s life. The quiet was uncomfortable for Shelby, she didn’t want to do this, but her daddy was right, her mom and grandma were pageant royalty, and she had to be as well.
When they finally pulled up to the theater Dave immediately got out while Shelby hesitated. When she finally climbed out of the car her father put his hand on her shoulder and walked her into the theater. Walking inside, Shelby immediately went rigid, staring at all the seats inside the theater, the theater being half way full. Dave walked her backstage where Shelby got even more nervous seeing all the other girls and their parents. Dave steered Shelby over to the pageant organizer in order to sign-in.
The organizer flashed a bright smile at Dave and Shelby “Hello there, name please?”
“Shelby Goodkind.” Dave said in his charming voice that he mostly reserves for strangers and church.
The organizer looked down at her list and said “Alright honey I got you down as contested number 12. There is a dresser with a mirror at the station marked with your number if you would like to rest or still need to get ready. We will begin in about thirty minutes.”
“Thank you miss.” Dave said as he put his hand back on Shelby’s shoulder and lead her to the dresser with the number 12 on it. Shelby sat down facing the mirror and looked down at her hands. Dave stood behind her and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a gold chain with a silver cross on it, he reached around Shelby and hooked the necklace around her neck. Shelby looked up at the mirror and meet her father’s eyes. For the first time in days Dave smiled at his daughter and said, “You got this baby, you are going to win just like your mommy did.”
Shelby smiled at her dad as she wrapped her small hand around the cross that now sat over her heart. Very soon the organizer called for all of the girls to line up in order of their number. Shelby got in line and started to shake, the nerves getting the best of her. When they were lead on stage Shelby noticed the theater was now complete full and she searched for her mother’s eyes and finally found them after five minutes. Shelby calmed down more as she wrapped her hand around her new cross for the second time.
Two hours of performances later it was time for the judging, it had come down to Shelby and two other girls. The announcer called out the runner up, Abby Rain, the girl standing to Shelby’s right. Shelby felt her heart racing when they went to announce the winner. She then felt her heart drop when her name was not said and instead, she heard, Kaylee Fink, the girl standing to her left. Shelby looked to where her mom was sitting and could see the sadness in her eyes despite the smile on her face. She then looked backstage at her father who wouldn’t meet her eyes. Dave remained quiet on the ride home despite Jobeth trying to keep the mood light by talking about how great Shelby had done and what the baby was in the mood for when they got home. Shelby however didn’t want to talk she just wanted to go lay in bed and wake up for school tomorrow so she can see her friends, so she can see Martha and Toni. Dave didn’t tuck her in that night after prayer he had left that up to Jobeth. He didn’t tuck her in for the next week until he walked in one night before she could start praying. He had a hand behind his back as he knelt next to her.
“Honey, I know the pageant didn’t work out the way either of us wanted but your next one is three months from today. I really think you could win this next one and we are going to practice the whole routine until you are completely ready. I feel I had pushed you to do this before you were ready, but we will get it next time, ok?”
“Ok daddy.”
“Ok, well something came today that will help you win.” Dave said as he took his hand out from his back and handed Shelby a weird, shaped box. When Shelby opened it, she wasn’t sure what she was looking at. Seeing Shelby’s confusion Dave informed her “It’s your dentures from Doctor Ray they finally arrived, we really could have used them last week huh?” Dave laughed.
Shelby forced a smile as she closed the box. “I will show you how to put them in tomorrow alright honey? Also don’t worry you will win the next pageant.” Dave stood up as Shelby put the box on her nightstand. “Don’t forget to say your prayers before bed.” Dave walked out of the room as Shelby stood up from her bed to start praying. Shelby tried to focus on her prays but all she could think about was what her daddy had said. Her teeth were the reason she lost, the reason daddy had been mad lately, maybe now with her dentures daddy won’t be angry. Maybe now he will have one less thing to criticize her for Shelby though as she finished praying and climbed back into bed. She drifted of to sleep dreaming of a daddy that wasn’t disappointed in her all the time.
Chapter 7: James is a jerk
Summary:
Leah's fear of snakes/garden hoses goes pretty deep
Notes:
So...I'm really late today, woke up with 30 minutes to get to work so didn't have time to upload this morning. lol
The group is halfway though the second grade and Leah is seven.Trigger warning: Snake bites, hospitals
Chapter Text
What do we do when camping?” A confused Leah asked her dad after he mentioned that they would be spending the weekend at a camping ground. “Well basically we will be sleeping in a tent for the weekend; it will give you a chance to spend some time in nature. There’s fishing, hiking, campfires, and lots of outside games. There’s a lot of animals in the woods that we can look for. How does all of that sound to you sweetie?”
Leah though about what her father said for a minute before asking “Can I bring my book?”
“Oh no, honey, no, this weekend is for us to spend some family time together; and we can’t do that if you spent the whole time with your face buried in a book.”
“If it’s family time why is James coming with us?” Leah asked confused.
“Sweetie, the Carter’s have lived next door long before you were born, they have been like family for a long time now.” Her dad said as he finally looked up from his news paper to look at Leah.
“I don’t like James! He’s mean to me; I don’t like playing with him!” Leah said as she stomped her small foot as hard as she could.
“He’s younger than you love, just give him some time.” Her dad said as he folded up the news paper and set it aside.
“I don’t want him around!” Leah’s voice started to rise.
“Leah enough!” His voice boomed as he stood up from his chair. “We are going camping this weekend and you are going to play nice with the Carter boy, got it?!”
“Yes daddy.” Leah said in a meek voice as she headed up to her room.
What Leah was not aware of was that two other families besides the Carter’s would be joining them for the weekend. Joining Leah and James are siblings Matthew and Elizabeth Copper and Joyce Hudson. Elizabeth and Joyce are around Leah’s age while Matthew is a couple years younger. Leah never imaged that she would enjoy camping this much. She spent hours catching frogs with Joyce, her dad and Mr. Copper showed her the correct way to bait a hook. She sat on a log next to Matthew as they watched Joyce’s dads build a fire in the fire pit. When Elizabeth and Joyce called to Leah about a game called horseshoes, she jumped at the chance to play a new game.
Halfway through their second round of horseshoes was when everything changed for Leah. Leah was winning five to three against Elizabeth when the adults started calling the kids for dinner. Elizabeth and Leah decided to race the 20 feet it would take to get to their parents. They were quickly joined by Joyce and James. James got to close to Leah and ended up elbowing her out of the way. Unprepared, Leah lost her balance on the incline they were running next to. She rolled three times on her way down the steep incline until she landed at the bottom. Hearing the commotion, Elizabeth stopped to see what happened and noticed Leah laying unresponsive at the bottom of the drop-off.
“Leah! Leah! Mr. Rilke! Leah fell down the hill!” Elizabeth yelled as she and Joyce knelt on the ground. Kurt swung around to see the girls looking down the incline, he took off towards them just as Leah started to stir.
“Leah honey!? Can you hear me? Are you ok?!” Leah managed to pull herself up from the ground and looked up at her father with blurry eyes. “Daddy? My head hurts.” Leah said as she tried to get her feet underneath her. “Baby don’t move, ok? I’m coming down!” Kurt said as he started to slide his way down the drop off. Leah finally managed to stand up, but she made the mistake of stepping closer to the hill after a dizzy spell caused her to loss her balance. She had stepped next to a hole when she felt a sharp pain on the side of her leg. Leah screamed as she fell backwards and a brown snake with a black rattle let go of her leg and scurried back into its hole. Kurt had only managed to get a glimpse of it, but he was able to identify it as a timber rattlesnake. That couldn’t be possible though, the campground was supposed to be free of snakes. But when did mother nature play by anyone’s rules but her own? Kurt finally reached Leah who was now sitting on the ground crying. After the longest minute of Kurt’s life, he picked up his daughter and climbed his way back up the hill.
“Honey bring the car around! Justin grab a wet cloth and soap.” Kurt yelled for his wife and James’ father. When he finally reached the top, he laid Leah on the ground as Justin returned with the rag. Kurt started to clean the wound when Leah lost consciousness and Kurt was unsuccessful at waking her back up. When Maryann pulled up with the car Kurt loaded Leah in the back and Maryann jumped out of the front seat to allow Kurt to drive while she got in the back with Leah. Maryann pulled Leah’s head into her lap while Kurt got in the front seat and started to drive to the nearest hospital. Maryann wrapped her arm across Leah to keep her on the seat and she started praying that Leah would be alright.
Kurt and Maryann sat in the waiting room for three hours as their daughter fought for her life. When a doctor finally emerged Kurt and Maryann rose up from their seats.
“Mr. and Mrs. Rilke, the antivenom has started to take effect. We won’t know more until Leah wakes up, but she is currently on oxygen to regulate her breathing. We will have to keep her here for a couple days to monitor everything, but we are optimistic.” Dr. Ramirez said as he led Kurt and Maryann to the room Leah is staying in. Maryann sobbed when she saw Leah for the first time, she slowly sat down on the chair next to her bed and grabbed Leah’s tiny hand in her own. Kurt tried to hold back his own tears as he stood next to the bed and just looked down at his little girl, feeling like he had failed her.
It took three hours for Leah to wake up and she did so with a start and immediately tried to rip the oxygen mask of. “No, no, honey don’t do that.” Kurt said as he moved her hand and replaced the mask. Leah calmed down at the sight of her mother and father. After the mask was reattached Kurt went to find a doctor. After returning with Dr. Ramirez and a nurse Kurt stood behind his wife as nurse and doctor started to run tests. “Hello Leah, I’m glad to see you are awake, you had us worried for a while there. Nurse Hillary, will you check the oxygen levels. I think we can take you off the oxygen in a couple minutes since it seems your breathing has returned to normal.” After running a few tests Dr. Ramirez was able to take the mask off of Leah’s face causing her to start coughing. When Leah was able to calm down, she looked at her mom and asked “mommy? What happened?”
“You got bit by a snake baby, the doctor had to give you some medicine to make you feel better.”
“Am I ok?” Leah asked her parents. Dr. Ramirez ended up answering instead, “The antivenom has taken effect but we have to keep you here for a day or two to make sure you don’t get sick again. You will also probably have a scar on your ankle from the bite.”
“But she will be ok?” Kurt said as he looked down at Leah laying in the hospital bed.
“Yes, she will.”
After three days of lying in an uncomfortable hospital bed Leah was finally released. It would take another four days for Leah to be allowed to go back to school. When she walked into her classroom on Monday she was immediately tackled by Martha, followed by Toni, Rachel, and Nora. The girls not having heard from her in over a week by now, were worried about her. They tried to ask her all kinds of questions, but she told them she would tell them what happened at recess when they were all together. If anyone noticed the slight limp in Leah’s leg as she walked to her desk, they didn’t mention it. After three hours of boring class, it was time for recess…and time to meet the rest of her friends. She once again was tackled, this time she was knocked to the ground by Fatin, she was also excited to see Dot and Shelby again. When Fatin finally let her go, Leah was able to move to sit under the tree near the monkey bars. Fatin sat right next to Leah as the rest sat across from her in a half circle. Leah then proceeded to tell her friends about camping, the race, the snake, and finally waking up in the hospital.
“Hospital food is disgusting; I couldn’t wait to go home. Plus, I missed you guys.” Leah had said.
“If I ever meet James, I’m going to beat him up, he shouldn’t have touched you!” Toni said as she punched the ground.
“Toni, we know your mad, but you can’t beat up people like that, you’ll get in trouble.” Shelby had said with concern in her voice.
Toni looked down at the ground as her face got red with anger. Fatin, who was lying her head on Leah’s shoulder reacted to Dot’s next question. “Can we see the bite?”
Leah was reluctant but soon removed her shoe and sock, before rolling up her pant leg. The scar was nothing more than four sharp points two on each side of her right leg. After a few more questions the kids decided to leave Leah alone and start playing. Fatin stayed sitting with Leah after she informed everyone it still hurt to stand for more then a few minutes and would rather stay sitting. Leah looked at Fatin and asked, “Aren’t you going to play with them?”
Fatin shook her head as she said “No, I’m ok right here, Nora can I borrow your markers?” Nora, without looking up from her notebook, tossed her pack of markers to Fatin. Fatin pulled a few markers out of the pack and told Leah “Give me your leg.”
“What?”
“Give me your right leg.”
Leah stuck her leg out to which Fatin grabbed it and put it on her own leg before starting to draw with the markers around the snake bite.
“What are you drawing?” Leah asked trying to see what exactly Fatin was doing. Fatin leaned over to block Leah’s view. Sighing Leah leaned back and let Fatin do what she wanted. After a few minutes Fatin was done and finally let Leah see. Fatin had drawn a butterfly at the base of Leah’s leg. The body on the front of her leg with the wings spreading to the sides and connecting across the bite marks and turning them into parts of the wings. Leah smiled when she saw it and thanked Fatin. Fatin trying to avoid looking directly at Leah said “Whatever, I was just board.” Saved by the bell, in a way, the girls stood up at the call from their teacher. Fatin waited for Leah to roll down her pant leg and put her sock and shoe back on before reached down to help Leah stand up. She walked with Leah as she limped to the door. After returning back to class Leah sat in her seat listening to the teacher drone on. After she started to space out, she looked down at her leg where her pant leg had ridden again. She smiled when she saw the drawing and though maybe the bite wasn’t so bad.
Chapter 8: My roots run deep
Summary:
Martha develops her love for dance
Notes:
So...I don't know much about jingle dance or native culture so I did a lot of research but if I messed something up please let my know. I don't want to misrepresent or offend someone.
Martha starts dance the summer before third grade.Trigger warning: none
Chapter Text
Martha was eight when her uncle got sick, it terrified her, she had lost pets before but never a family member. She watched her uncle get sicker and sicker as the weeks went by. They couldn’t figure out what was causing her Uncle Roman to deteriorate. After week two of uncle Roman laying in bed unable to move her parents talked to the elders within the community. The elders recommended a visit from the jingle dancers. Jingle dance is a traditional native dance used in medicine. The dance group had paid Roman a visit the day after Bernice had asked for help. Martha watched the dance with intense eyes captivated by every movement and the sound of the bells. After the fourth visit Roman started to recover, his breathing wasn’t as sharp, his fever lowered, and he was able to keep solid food down. Martha was mesmerized by what had occurred, whether the jingle dance cured Roman or just uplifted their spirits, Martha couldn’t say but she knew these women helped her uncle. She wanted to help people the way that these women did.
When she asked her mother about learning the jingle dance, Bernice was ecstatic that her daughter was taking an interest in their culture. After agreeing that Martha could learn jingle dancing, she set a date aside for them to go into town and buy supplies to make a dress. They made a list of everything they would need from the fabric to the bells. The drive into town was short and they arrived at the first store, a fabric store. After looking around for a while the clerk inside the store approached Martha to ask her “What are we looking for today dear?”
“My mommy is making me a dress!” Martha said with enthusiasm.
“That sounds lovely, do you have a color in mind?” The older woman had asked.
“I don’t know…maybe…purple?” Martha said in an uncertain tone as her mother started looking though orange and blue fabric.
“I think I might have just what you are looking for dear.” The clerk walked away to disappear into the back of the store. After a few minutes she reappeared with a light lilac colored cloth. Martha’s breath hitched in her throat, and she froze in her movement. The color was so beautiful, light, and soft, it was exactly what Martha had been imagining for the past few days. Bernice looked over at her daughter and the clerk; seeing the look in her daughter’s eyes she knew that was the one. Bernice walked up to her daughter and said “Is that the color you want sweetie?”
“Yes, mama, it’s so pretty! It’s just what I wanted!” Martha said with excitement in her voice.
“Alright dear, then that’s the one we will get.” Bernice said to both Martha and the clerk.
“I’m glad we could find what you wanted, now if you would follow me we will go measure out and cut the amount that you would like.”
After paying for the fabric Martha and Bernice headed out to the next location. The next shop had bells and feathers; Martha could not hold her excitement. The colors, the sounds, everything made her heart race as she wondered the isles. “What are you thinking sweetie? One color or a couple?”
“All of them! A rainbow!” Martha answered her mother. Bernice smiled as she grabbed a couple packets of multicolored bells “How about some feathers for your headdress?”
“YES!”
Martha’s excitement ended when they got home, and Bernice had to take her measurements. Martha hated standing still, especially when all her animals keep trying to get her attention. Her dog, Boomerang, kept getting in-between Martha and her mom trying to get attention. It got to the point that Bernice needed to put Boomerang outside for them to continue. Martha was board as she stood still in the same spot for thirty minutes. She was excited to start dance, but she was worried about how her friends would react to the whole thing. Toni might be the only one in the group to understands the importance of the jingle dance to their tribe. When Martha thinks about it more however, Toni hasn’t lived with many native families while in the system, the only real connection she has to the tribe is Martha’s family and name only. Martha was concerned with how to tell them in a way they would understand.
“Alright, Martha, we are done with your measurements, you can go play with Boomerang now if you would like?” Bernice said as she started to get the sowing machine ready, Martha was already gone by the time she looked up.
When third grade started Martha was nervous. She knew recess would turn into an interrogation once again. Martha, omitting the fact she is studying jingle dance, told her friends that she was going to start taking dance classes. Fatin, who once begged her parents to let her take ballet class, was the most curious over what the class entailed.
“Can you teach us what you learned?” Fatin asked as she stood up on the seat of the swing slowly swaying back and forth. Toni, who was interested in joining the school basketball team, was playing basketball with Dot and two other kids, an older kid named Everest and another kid only known as Jet. Everest’s older brother, who taught him basketball, is the captain of the high school team. Everest offered to show Dot and Toni a few tricks when he noticed them watching. Leah and Nora were under the oak tree reading and writing respectively. Rachel got challenged by an older kid to a foot race; she was currently winning. Shelby and Fatin however were trying to get Martha to teach them how to dance. “I haven’t started classes yet; I don’t think I would be able to teach you anything.”
“When do you start?” Shelby asked.
“Next weekend, I don’t think you will…” Martha was cut off by the teacher calling for them to return to class.
Martha's first class was different then she was expecting, she was one of three girls being taught by Auntie Marie, an elder within the tribe. Martha wasn’t as coordinated as she had hoped, Martha kept tripping over her own feet and even stumbled into another girl knocking her over. Martha was frustrated and on the verge of tears until she heard her name being called from the doorway. Martha spun around in surprise only to see Toni standing in the doorway. Martha looked over at Auntie Marie, seeing she was walking one of the other girls though steps, Martha ran over to Toni.
“Toni? What are you doing?” Martha asked in confusion.
“Mickeal and Pam are fighting again, I went to your house, your mom said you were over here. What’s are you doing? Dancing? What are you wearing that for?” Toni asked bewildered.
Martha looked back at the class, down at her dress, and signed “It’s called jingle dancing. It helps people who are sick.”
“How?” Toni asked confused.
“I don’t know but when Uncle Roman was sick, it helped him.” Martha said.
“Is that why you want to dance? To help people?”
“I think so, but I’m not good.”
“Marty! You’re the best, of course your good!”
“I don’t think I can do it.”
“Marty…” Toni was cut off by Auntie Marie walking up. Marie looked between Martha and Toni to ask “Toni, dear, will you be joining us today?”
Toni looked at Martha before saying “I don’t have a dress…can I still dance?”
“Of course, dear.”
“Let’s go Marty!” Toni held out her hand to Martha. Martha grabbed Toni’s hand as she dragged her back to the group.
Auntie Marie started to walk the children though the steps again. This time Martha wasn’t as nervous while watching Toni fall over once or twice. Toni, being Toni, just stood up laughing and smiling which put Martha at ease. The rest of the lesson went by like a breeze completely empty from worry. After the lesson ended Toni and Martha headed back to Martha’s house to feed the animals and play with Jace.
Toni didn’t show up to any of the lessons after that first one, but Martha was ok with it now that she had the confidence to dance. It took a couple weeks of lessons before Martha felt confident enough to talk to her friends about dance during recess. The whole group was sitting down in a circle as they listened to Martha talk about her classes.
“So, what is jingle dancing?” Nora asked out of curiosity.
“It’s a traditional Ojibwe dance to help sick people, it helped my uncle when he was really sick.” Martha answered.
“What’s your dress look like?” Fatin asked with excitement in her voice.
“It’s purple with bells.”
“She looks really pretty in it!” Toni interrupted.
“That’s so cool!” Fatin said.
“Do you preform? Like my pageants? Or Fatin’s concerts?” Shelby asked.
“Mommy said they call them res..resi…resittiles?”
“Recitals.” Nora provided.
“Ya that!”
The conversation was cut short once again by the teacher calling for them. Rachel and Toni took of in their daily race to the door while the rest stood up and started walking to continue their school day. Martha would continue her lessons and forever be thankful for Toni showing up that first day. Martha’s not sure why Toni stayed, it definitely wasn’t her scene, maybe she stayed because she knew Martha needed a pick me up that day, or maybe she just really wanted to stay out of that house. Either way Martha will always be thankful for her best friend Toni.
Chapter 9: Let me breathe
Summary:
Something is happening with Leah and her parents can't figure out what it is
Notes:
This is the longest chapter yet, it also means a lot to me, due to my own anxiety disorder and not understanding what was wrong with me when I was young. Leah is eight years old and in third grade.
Trigger warning: Panic attacks
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“Leah, honey! We have to leave! You’re going to be late for school!” Kurt yelled up the stairs as he checked his watch. He was already late for work and Leah was going to be late for school if she didn’t hurry up. Leah ran down the stairs trying to shove her notebook into her backpack. “Slow down, baby, you’re going to fall down the stairs.” Kurt said as Leah ran past him and out the front door. Kurt started to follow Leah outside when he heard her scream. Kurt ran outside to find Leah on the ground trying to back away from something in the yard. A brown garden hose that Kurt had left in the yard the day before. It took a minute for Kurt to realize that Leah had mistaken the hose for a snake, a snake similar to the one that bit her a few months back. Kurt picked up the hose and tossed it on the side of the house before kneeling in front of Leah.
“Leah, look at me baby, look at me, please.”
Kurt knelt in front of Leah and put his hands on her shoulders only for Leah to yank backwards. Kurt held his hands up and tried to talk to Leah again. “Baby, can you breathe with me? Inhale…exhale…in…out, good job baby.” Leah’s heart rate slowed down as she started to stand on shaking legs.
“Can you see me baby?” Kurt asked as Leah looked up at him and nodded. With her breathing finally under control her father asked “Do you feel ok to go to school? Or do you want to stay home? I’ll call into work.”
Leah shook her head, it’s only the first day of third grade and Leah really wants to see her friends. Kurt, reluctantly, said OK and loaded Leah into the car. Kurt entered the driver’s seat and drove to Hopewell elementary. They arrived with five minutes to spare, Kurt and Leah exited the car, Kurt grabbing Leah’s hand as he walked her inside the school and to her classroom. He knelt next to her classroom to ask Leah once again if she was ok, after receiving a yes, Kurt let Leah enter the classroom before finally heading out for work.
Leah looked around the classroom for a minute before a smile took over her face at the sight of her friends. This year she got put in the same class as Fatin, Dot, Rachel, and Nora. Leah was talking to Fatin and Dot when the teacher, Mr. Grant, called all the kids to attention. “Alright kids, I’m Mr. Grant and welcome to the third grade I hope you are all as excited as I am to be here.” The day continued like any other until after recess when Mr. Grant received a phone call. The teacher’s assistant had taken a few kids to the restroom, Fatin included, while the rest of the kids were tasked with math problems. The class phone rang within the silence of the room. When Mr. Grant answered, his face seemed to drop as he looked around the classroom. After a short conversation Mr. Grant hung up the phone to address his class.
“Alright kids, who remembers the color game we play every year?” Mr. Grant was met with a combination of confused faces and excited ones. “For those who don’t remember, the color game is just a big game of hide and seek that the whole school plays, the game starts with Mr. Matt, the principal, announcing a color, if he says code red, that means, we lock the door’s and cover all windows. Mr. Matt will check all the doors, if we keep them locked, we win. If Mr. Matt says code black, then we once again lock the doors and cover the windows, but we also will gather at the back of the classroom. During code black, Mr. Matt is going to make a lot of noise in the hallways, banging, yelling, messing with doorknobs, all kinds of sounds. Our job is to stay as quiet as possible, if Mr. Matt hears any sound from this room we lose the game. When Mr. Matt says code green that means the game is over, alright? Now the game can accrue at any point though out the school year, we will play the first game today, but all the rest will be on random days at random times. Ok everyone go back to your math problems until the announcement.”
It would only take three minutes for Mr. Matt to announce the code black. Mr. Grant gathered all the kids to the back corner, Leah taking a seat next to Dot. Leah, for the first time, started to see what this game actually was, an active shooter drill. She thought about the codes for a minute and believes she figured it out, green meant everything is fine, red someone is trying to get in the building and black is the scariest. Black means someone is in the building. Leah’s heart started to race thinking about the drills and what they could really mean when she finally noticed a bigger problem. The teacher’s assistant was still out of the classroom, which means Fatin was still outside the classroom. The thought made Leah start to get scared as her mind raced.
‘She’s alone now, what can you do?’ ‘You can’t help her.’ ‘You let her go alone’ ‘what if this was real? What would you do?’ ‘Your no help to any of your friends, why do they keep you around?’
The thoughts ran wild in Leah’s head as she was terrified for the second time today. She started to hyperventilate and shake. Dot sat next to Leah begging her to breathe in a whispered breath. Then the banging started, followed by the yelling, and moving of door handles. Hearing this, the damn finally broke and Leah started to cry. Before Mr. Grant was able to tell Leah to quiet down, Dot quickly covered her mouth with her right hand while holding Leah closer to her side with the left one. When Mr. Matt and his team finally reached their classroom, Leah started to disassociate, and she began to feel lightheaded. It was quiet afterwards for the next eight minutes until Mr. Matt’s voice came over the intercom.
“Students and Faculty of Hopewell Elementary, I just want to thank you for your participation in the code game today, we are officially in code green again. Everyone please return to your lessons and enjoy the rest of your day.” The intercom clicked off as the class started to head back to their seats. Leah was the only one completely unresponsive to the announcement and had to be helped to her seat by Dot and Rachel. They lifted her on to shaking legs and walked her over to the desks. Dot was in the middle of asking Leah what had happened when they heard the door open. It was the teacher’s assistant and the children she took to the restroom before the code game. When Fatin walked though the doorway Leah finally reacted by jumping up from her seat and rushing to hug Fatin. Fatin, being completely caught of guard, stumbled for a second before regaining her balance and hugging Leah back. Mr. Grant tried to get Leah to sit back down but she was inconsolable. After ten minutes Leah was finally calm enough to sit back down.
Fatin sat down and looked at Dot, Rachel, and Nora in confusion, “What happened?” and all she received in return was shoulder shrugs. Mr. Grant would later call Kurt and Maryann to bring up his concerns about Leah, but they all eventually agreed that it was most likely nerves from the shooter drill.
The next couple of weeks would go by smoothly without incident until one day on the playground when Leah wasn’t paying attention. She made the mistake of crossing in front of the swings that were currently occupied by Martha and Toni. Toni, seeing Leah right in front of her tried to stop herself but it was too late. Toni and the swing collided with Leah knocking her off balance, Leah fell and rolled straight into the soccer field. After she finally stopped rolling Leah looked at the sky as she lost her breath and started to hyperventilate once again. She couldn’t get it back, not even as Martha and Toni appeared in her line of sight.
“I’m sooo sorry Leah! Are you ok?!”
“Rachel! Get Mr. Grant!” Dot yelled as she stopped the soccer game she was playing with a group of other kids. Dot ran to her friends and slid to a stop next to Leah who still couldn’t catch her breath.
After a long five minutes, Mr. Grant appeared withing sight with Rachel by his side. Mr. Grant knelt beside them and asked, “What happened?” in a calm demeanor.
“She walked in front of the swing, I couldn’t stop, I tried!” Toni said as her face fell watching her friend struggling to breathe.
Mr. Grant turned Leah’s head to look at him and said in a calm voice, “Leah, honey, can you hear me? I think you just got the wind knocked out of you, you’ll be ok but we need to get you off the ground ok?”
After receiving a small nod, Mr. Grant put his hand under her shoulder to hold her steady as she slowly stood up. “Ok honey we are going to see the nurse alright, the rest of you head back to the classroom and wait for me there, recess is almost over.” The girls watched Mr. Grant and Leah walk away, worried about their friends and wondering what was happening to her.
Sitting in the nurse’s office Leah was nervous looking at the white walls sitting on that uncomfortable bed Leah started to loss focus, unsure of how to feel being in this room. She watched Mr. grant talk to nurse Anderson in voices so low she couldn’t hear them. Mr. Grant looked at Leah and smiled, “I’ll be back in a little bit, just relax kid, you’re going to be fine.”
Leah sat there as nurse Anderson started to check her vitals and vision, checking for any sign of a concussion. During this, Leah started to hyperventilate again, she was flooded with thoughts and sound from her stay in the hospital. She could hear it all, the beeps from machines, the scuff of shoes in the hallway, the whispers of the doctors who stood over her when she was first waking up, the sound of crying coming from her mom, it all became to much. Nurse Anderson finally noticed something was wrong when she was listening to Leah’s heart rate and noticed it was vastly increasing. “Leah, are you alright?” Leah tried to focus but couldn’t meet nurse Anderson’s eyes. “Honey, can you breathe for me?” After Leah managed to shake her head no, nurse Anderson started to mentally track her symptoms, trouble breathing, shaking, sweating, increased heart rate. “Leah, can you look at me please, I need you to breathe with me alright?” Nurse Anderson knelt in front of Leah and told her to follow her breathing. “Breathe with me, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, you will get though this honey, this is going to pass in a minute. I think you are having a panic attack, they normally last a few minutes, ok? Just keep breathing.”
After an excruciating 30 minutes Leah was finally able to calm her breathing. Nurse Anderson smiled at Leah when she looked down at her. “Now Leah, I need you to think, has this happened before? Here at school or maybe at home?” Leah shrugged as she looked away, “Ok honey no problem, I have to call Mr. Grant and your parents. Why don’t you lay down while I make the calls, I will be right back.”
After a while, Kurt showed up to the school to pick up Leah, worried out of his mind. Kurt decided to take Leah out of school for the rest of the day. After Mr. Grant’s assistant came to drop off Leah’s stuff, Kurt carried Leah, who had fallen asleep, on his left shoulder as he carried her backpack in his right hand. He loaded her into the car along with her backpack. After buckling her in, Kurt entered the driver’s seat and started the car. On the ride home he called Maryann to inform her that he left work and grabbed Leah from school after another episode. “She’s fine, I think, but I also think we should talk to someone about this, this isn’t the first time and I’m starting to get worried.” “Maybe you’re right. We’ll talk about it when I get home.” Kurt hung up before looking in his rearview mirror to look at Leah still sleeping in the back. “What’s happening with you baby?” Kurt whispered to himself as he pulled into his driveway. He exited the car before grabbing Leah and taking her inside.
Kurt and Maryann decided to take Leah to see her doctor the following day, hoping to finally understand what was happening with their daughter. They were sitting in the waiting room, Leah reading a book she found, Kurt watching the news playing on the waiting room tv, and Maryann scrolling though her phone reading emails and responding to clients. After an hour of watching families disappear behind the white doors of the reception area, Leah’s name was finally called, they all stood up and followed the nurse into the back rooms.
“Alright, Leah, I’m nurse Kailee, do you remember me?”
“Yes.” Leah said in a meek voice as she looked around the room. Nurse Kailee started performing a physical on Leah, after a few minutes of standard questions Nurse Kailee left the room informing them that doctor Rayman would be in shortly.
Kurt looked up at his daughter, seeing her shaking leg he asked, “Leah, how do you feel honey? Are you nervous?”
“I don’t like it here; I want to go home.”
Maryann signed, “We know honey, but we have to figure out what’s going on, this is starting to scare us ok?”
“Ok mommy.” Leah said just as Dr. Raymon walked, “well good morning Mr. and Mrs. Rilke, good morning young Leah,” Dr. Raymon sat down at his computer and opened the file in his hand. “So it seems we are here because you have experienced some problems with your breathing and shaking.” Dr. Raymon said as he looked down at Leah’s still shaking leg. “So how many episodes have there been?” Dr. Raymon asked as he looked up at Kurt and Maryann.
“Two so fa…”
“Three.” Leah cut of her father’s answer.
“Three? Ok, lets start from the beginning then, when did the first one happened?”
“A couple weeks ago, we were leaving the house when she fell and couldn’t breathe.”
“I though the hose was a snake.” Leah said in a quiet voice.
“Really? Alright what about the second time?”
“Same day we played the code game at school, for active shooters, and my friend was missing, I was scared.”
“And the most recent?”
“She got kicked at school, rolled down a small hill into a soccer field.”
“Like the hill she rolled down when she got bite?”
“Yes, I believe so…Why? Do you think this has something to do with the snake?” Maryann asked.
“It’s possible, now Leah when these episodes happen, what are you thinking about? Are you nervous? Scared? Worried? Do you feel like you are out of control of the things around you?”
Leah finally looked up and said “Yes, I feel lost.”
“Have you felt that any other time then when you have an episode?”
“It happens a lot.”
“Do you fidget a lot? With your hands? Shaking your leg? Anything like that?”
Leah looked down at where she was wringing her hands together and forced them to stop before responding “Yes, a lot.”
After a few more questions Dr. Raymon finally thinks he know what’s happening, “I think Leah has developed an anxiety disorder which is leading to these panic attacks, it’s most likely been happening since she was young, but the snake attack might have created triggers, like the garden hose or falling down a hill. Now having an anxiety disorder isn’t anything new so there are ways to handle it, medication, which I don’t recommend until the late teen years except in extreme cases. There’s therapy and self-regulation.”
“How does one self-regulate anxiety?” Kurt asked out of curiosity.
“It mostly comes down to recognizing the signs before it happens and having family and friends around that know how to handle a panic attack. The most popular is the 4-7-8 method. It’s very simple, you breathe in for four seconds, hold your breath for seven seconds and then exhale for eight seconds. You repeat that until your breathing is under control. Another method is the senses method. For this one you would have Leah go down the list of senses, naming five things she sees, four things she can feel, three things she can hear, two things she can smell, and one she can taste.”
“Do these techniques work?” Maryann asked concerned as she looked over at Leah.
“Yes, they are very effective in grounding a person either in the middle or on the verge of a panic attack. If you both learn how to help Leah though these attacks and how to help her keep her anxiety under control, then her attacks will be less frequent, and she will be better equipped to handle her anxiety as she gets older. This isn’t something that will go away but it is something that can be managed better the earlier its noticed and in Leah’s case it was caught very early so Leah will be just fine.”
For the first time in what feels like forever all of the Rilke’s could finally breathe.
Leah had always liked learning, facts had always interested her, learning something new about herself though? That was a scary thought. Over the next couple weeks Maryann and Kurt would research more about anxiety disorders in order to help their daughter. Leah would have two more panic attacks that Maryann and Kurt were both able to walk her through. When it came to school, however, things got a bit more complicated. Leah had no idea how to explain to her friends what is happening to her. It would take another panic attack at recess for her to finally open up. Someone had started yelling about a snake on the far side of the playground while Leah was reading her book. At the word her scar started to itch, and her breathing got heavy. Dot, Rachel, and Toni were about to run to check out the snake when they were called back my Martha. They turned to see Martha, Fatin, Shelby, and Nora crowded around Leah as she tried to control her breathing. After a very long five minutes of watching Leah slow down her breathing and wringing her hands she could finally look her friends in the eyes.
“Leah…What’s happening?” Fatin asked, her voice starting to quiver. Leah sighed before saying “My doctor said I have anxiety, it’s scary sometime, but my mommy and daddy are learning how to help and teaching me how to help myself. Doctor Raymon even taught us so exercises for my panic attacks.”
“Do they work?” Shelby asked as she sat down next to Leah.
“Most of the time, its hard doing it myself, its easier if mommy or daddy talks to me.” Leah replied. They all sat at the base of the tree, talking for the rest of recess trying to ignore the teachers catching the snake and removing it from the playground. When their teachers finally call to them, they all stood up and started to race to the doors. All except for Fatin who grabbed Leah’s arm as she tried to go around her.
Leah looked from the hand on her arm up to a nervous looking Fatin. “Would you…would you show me the exercises?”
“You want to learn them?”
“Ya… you said its better when someone helps you, right? Well I want to be able to help you to, I don’t like seeing you like that.”
“Oh, ok, I can show you if you really want.”
“I do, and I bet the others would to if you talk to them.”
Their conversation was cut of when they heard Mr. Grant call for them. “Fatin, Leah, its time to come inside!”
Fatin looked at Mr. grant before going back to Leah, she smiled at her before letting go of Leah’s arm to instead grab her hand in her own and pulling her forward to their classroom.
Notes:
I know panic/anxiety attacks aren't all the same but I based Leah's around my own experience. Now with chapter nine uploaded...I'm at a standstill as chapter ten still isn't finished. I'm going to try finishing it today so it can be uploaded tomorrow but no promises.
Chapter 10: T is for Trampoline
Summary:
Martha gets a trampoline
Notes:
so, we finally reach the road block that is chapter ten. This part of Martha's story was very hard to decide how to approach. I went back and forth for a long time about if I should even wright about it. There was no way I was going into detail but this part of Martha's story was so important that I didn't want to just wright it off. I'm not sure how I feel about the way it worked out and I understand if a lot of people just ignore this chapter. There is no descriptions, implications, or anyway to truly know what was to transpire unless you watch the whole show. Ted is only mentioned within the last paragraph, this whole chapter is just about Martha getting a trampoline, its the only way I could stomach it.
Trigger warning: Childhood injuries, DR. TED (in the last paragraph)
Chapter Text
“Martha, honey, have you decided on what you want for your birthday? And before you ask, we definitely can not bring another animal onto the farm right now.” Martha sat on her floor watching her cats Fluffy and Oba. Fluffy kept jumping from the couch to the cat tree trying to keep away from Oba in what seems to be a very intense game of tag. “What about that book you’ve been wanting? The one your friend Leah was telling you about? Or we can make you a new dress for your next jingle dance?” Martha for her part wasn’t ignoring her mom, she was just considering what she actually wanted. She’s content with her animals most days so what could she possibly ask for that would actually make her happy? She looked out the window and saw the open space near the barn. Her father always said he would leave that space open for things Martha and her brother would want. The grass was plain and mostly dead from lack of care. Looking out at the open area Martha started to think about her friends and what they might enjoy doing while at her house. Thinking about things her and Toni can do together since she’s over all the time. What is something she could teach Jace when he was bigger? She thought of all the things she would see on tv until a though occurred to her.
“Can I get a trampoline? Like a big one?”
“A trampoline? Are you sure?”
Martha turned her head away from the yard to look back at her mother doing the dishes in the kitchen. “Ya it’s sounds like fun!”
“Alright honey we will see what we can do.” Martha smiled as she turned back to the cats just in time to see Fluffy get tired of Oba following her. Fluffy had turned around and smacked Oba. Oba sat down stunned as Martha started to laugh and Fluffy ran off.
At school Martha couldn’t keep this information to herself and informed her friends. “I might get a trampoline for my birthday!” Martha said as she started to hand out her birthday invites to Rachel, Dot, and Nora standing near her. Toni and Shelby, hanging out on the swing set. Leah and Fatin sitting by the tree drawing random things over Leah’s fading leg scar. “That’s so cool, I’ve always wanted one!” Rachel said as she grabbed the invite Martha was holding out for her.
“I wanted something we could all do together.” Martha said.
“You’re the greatest Marty!” Toni said as she jumped off the swing set to stand in front of Martha. Martha smiled as she watched Toni read over the invite. “Wait, why do you call me that?” Martha asked, confused.
“Call you what? Marty? I like nicknames, do you not like it?” Toni asked as her face dropped. “No,” Martha was quick to correct, “I do, you are just the only one who calls me that.”
“Oh.” Toni shrugged and ran back to where Shelby was sitting. Martha smiled as she handed out the rest of her invites.
The following weekend Toni had showed up earlier then the rest in order to get away from her foster family. She and Martha were playing with Boomerang when Nora and Rachel showed up. Over the next hour the others started to show up. They all played games, mostly uno, until Russell came in from his secret project outside. Martha lit up at the sight of her dad and ran to him. She hugged his waist as he smiled down at her.
“You ready for your surprise love?”
“Yes!”
Russell smiled at Bernice as he lead the group outside. He had his hands over Martha’s eyes until they stopped next to the barn. He removed her hands and Martha’s eye took a minute to adjust before focusing on the trampoline her father had spent the past few hours building.
Martha smiled as she looked back up at her father. He nodded at her and Martha ran to the steps next to the trampoline. She climbed onto it and started to jump in the middle before looking back at her friends. She waved to them to join her, and Toni didn’t hesitate, quickly followed by the others. They enjoyed the rest of the party, spending time on the trampoline, playing with Martha’s animals, until Bernice called them inside until for cake and presents. After blowing out the candles Martha started opening her gifts. A coloring book from Rachel and a realistic drawing of her family from Nora. A book on animals for Leah, an outfit from Fatin, and a copy of her current favorite movie Hotel for Dogs from Dot. Shelby had given her a toy horse and Toni handed Martha a homemade card. Martha looked at Toni’s sheepish face until Toni looked down at the ground. When Martha opened the card, one side wished her a happy birthday while the other had an I.O.U. on it. Toni didn’t look up until she felt Martha hug her. Toni smiled and hugged Martha back. The rest of the day was filled with laughter and Martha was beyond happy to have her friends around.
Martha would spend a lot of time on the trampoline over the course of the following weeks. It was not until the end of July that the accident happened. Martha was on the trampoline watching Bernice introduce Jace to one of their llamas, Jasper, when she got to close to the edge of the trampoline. She jumped onto one of the bars, she fell backwards and landed onto the bars before slipping over the edge. She landed on her back and stared up at the sky. She could hear her mother calling her name over the ringing in her ear. It took a minute for the pain to register in her brain and Martha started to scream. She couldn’t hear her mom approaching; all she could see was the sky until her mother appeared above her. Her screaming turned into sobs, and she watched her mom talk to her. She couldn’t make out anything Bernice was saying until she tried to help Martha stand up. When Martha tried to stand the screaming started again until she laid back down. Bernice placed Jace next to his sister before telling them she would be right back. Bernice took off inside to call an ambulance. Martha kept crying as Jace laid next to her staring at her. Martha looked at her baby brother to see him smiling at her. She tried her best to smile back but the pain was excruciating. Bernice ran outside still talking to the 911 operator.
“Yes, she’s awake and breathing…I think its her back…” Bernice knelt back down by Martha and Jace, “No moving her hurt her to much…about five minutes ago…we are in the back yard…yes I can unlock the fence.”
It would take the ambulance about fifteen minutes to arrive and load Martha onto a stretcher. Bernice put Jace into the car before following the ambulance to the hospital, she called Russell on her way. They arrived at the hospital ten minutes before Russell would show up. They rushed Martha to get x-rays as Bernice and Jace settled into the waiting room. When Russell arrived, he looked around frantically before finding Bernice and Jace. He ran to them and knelt in front of Bernice, “What happened?”
“Martha…she…she fell on the trampoline and couldn’t move…I don’t know what happened.” Bernice said as she started to cry.
Russell’s heart broke as he watched his wife hold their son even tighter, but as his son reached out to grab his cheek he froze. Russell looked at his smiling son and managed to smile back as he lowered his head. They would stay that way for an hour before Dr. Ramirez approached them. “Mr. and Mrs. Blackburn?”
Kurt quickly stood up and turned around, his wife following at a slower pace, readjusting Jace on her hip. “We did some x-rays on Martha, and it seems she had fractured her spine. We gave her some meds for the pain, but we worry that she won’t be able to walk, she would most likely need intense physical therapy. We can take you back to see her but she is currently sleeping.”
Kurt remained silent as he listened to his wife’s crying increase. Kurt reached out for his son and relived Bernice of the weight of carrying him. They walked the quiet hallway until they reached Martha’s room. Seeing her little girl laying there broke Bernice’s heart even more. They would stay in that room until Martha awoke three hours later.
It took another three weeks for Martha to be released from the hospital in a wheelchair. Her parents had arranged for her to meet with a physical therapist to help heal her back. They had met with several therapist until they agreed on one, they think will be the best fit for Martha. While Martha wasn’t thrilled, she understood. They arrived at the physical therapy center and Russell unloaded Bernice from the car. They wheeled her into the center and back to room number five. Russell knocked on the door and after a minute a man opened the door. He looked at Bernice and Russell before kneeling in front of Martha.
“Well, hello, you must be Martha, I’m Dr. Wolcheck.” He held his hand out to shake Martha’s, “But you can call me Ted.” He flashed a smile at Martha as he let the family inside the room.
Chapter 11: I don't belong here
Summary:
Toni goes back home with her mom for the first time.
For those interested here is Toni's foster home history:
Mom lost custody at six months (March 31, 2003-October 24, 2003)
Doran Family from 6 months to three years old (Oct. of 03-Jan. of 07)
Mr. Rob from three until just after her fourth birthday (Jan. 07-June 07)
Mrs. Jazmine for ~9 and 1/2 months (June 07-April 08)
Miller Family (Mr. Ryan and James) removed after fifth birthday (April 08-May 08)
Jones Family From five until her mom gained custody at nine (May 08-June 2012)
Notes:
This chapter is about Toni's mom so
Trigger warning: Neglect, non descriptive drug use
this is also the only chapter that takes place during the fourth grade
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Toni sat on the floor of the meeting room playing with trucks when her name was called by her court appointed counselor. “Toni dear, how do you feel about Monday? You get to go home with your mother, what does that make you think about?”
Toni looked up at Mrs. Taylor and shrugged. What was she supposed to say? What did they expect from her? She’s never lived with her mother before, at least not that she can remember. If asked, Toni couldn’t tell you why she lived with strangers or got moved around a lot. She once overheard Mr. Ryan, in her third foster home, say her mom had a “drug problem”? Whatever that means. Mrs. Taylor keeps talking about her mom being “clean” now, what does that mean? Toni doesn’t really care about any of it, its just another moving day for her, like when she left Mrs. Jazmine, or Mr. Ryan, or that family when she was really little…the…the…shoot Toni can’t remember their names but they were really nice to Toni. Anyway, this is just another house of strangers to Toni, at least this time Toni has some history with the stranger, even if it’s just been once a week since she could remember. She knows she’s supposed to be excited about going back to her mom, but how can she when she doesn’t really know her.
She’s just numb about the whole situation. “Toni, are you listening to me, sweetie?” Toni, realizing she was spacing out again, met Mrs. Taylor’s eyes again.
“What?”
“I asked how you felt about going back to your mom’s. Are you excited? Nervous? Worried? How do you feel honey?”
“Ok, I guess? I don’t really know.”
“That’s ok honey, do you want to talk about that?”
“I know you want me to be happy, mom wants me to be happy, Mrs. Lily wants me to be happy, but I’m not sure. I don’t remember living with her. She’s nice I guess, but she doesn’t know me. She painted my room pink! She gave me a doll for my last birthday. She still calls me Antonia…I don’t like that! I like Toni!” Toni started yelling as she looked away from the counselor as she clenched her fists.
Mrs. Taylor could see the anger rising in young Toni and she needed to get her to calm down before she started throwing things again. “Toni, Toni look at me, please?”
Toni looked up at Mrs. Taylor again with tears in her eyes, “Honey, I know this is scary for you, you feel like you’re moving in with another stranger, but the good thing about going home with your mom is now you get the chance to get to know her. She also gets the chance to know you, you can tell her about everything that you enjoy so that she can learn who you are. I know you don’t really understand what I mean but you will. Trust me honey, this is a good thing, for both of you.”
Toni wasn’t sure if she believed Mrs. Taylor or not but she was kind of excited to understand what her friends got to have every time they went home. A parent to love and protect her, someone that would worry when she was late getting home. Someone to call when she got in trouble at school, or even someone to come to her soccer games, or maybe some day her basketball games. She’s spent a lot of time around Mrs. Blackburn and Mrs. Rilke, to the point that she knows what a mom is supposed to be like, but she wants to be able to experience that herself.
It was Toni’s last night with the Jones family, and she couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t the yelling and fighting from Mr. Mickeal and Mrs. Pam, she got use to that a long time ago. She wasn’t going to miss the yelling when she left. She couldn’t sleep because her mind was racing about moving in with her mom for the first time, or maybe again? Does it count if Toni can’t remember the first time? After a long two hours Toni was able to convince herself to sleep. Would her mom’s house be quiet at night like Mrs. Jazmine’s house, or even Mr. Rob’s although Jamie would cry sometimes and wake her up. That night she dreamed about a life with her mom, playing games, family meals, being tucked in at night…maybe Mrs. Taylor was right, and this was a good thing.
Toni awoke the next day to banging on her door, it was Mr. Mickeal. He yanked open the door and said in a booming voice. “Wake up. It’s time to go.” He left without waiting for a response.
Toni rolled over and climbed out of bed with an annoyance. She managed to get her feet under her before standing up and walking to the corner where everything she owned was thrown into a trash bag. Toni picked up the bag before leaving that room for the last time, refusing to look back. She walked down the hall to the front door when she saw Mrs. Lily standing in the doorway talking to Pam and Mickeal. Toni’s heart raced as she walked to the door.
“You ready to go Toni?” Mrs. Lily asked.
Toni nodded before turning to look up at Pam and Mickeal, “Goodbye.” Toni said in a meek voice. She could see Johnny standing around the corner staring daggers at her. Toni wasn’t going to miss this house at all, she thought as she followed her case worker to her car.
The drive was short and quiet, not from lack of trying on Mrs. Lily’s part, Toni just didn’t know what else she was supposed to say. When they pulled up to Toni’s new home, she could see her mother, Lauren, standing in the doorway with a huge smile on her face. Toni opened the car door and stepped out as Mrs. Lily grabbed Toni’s garbage bag of belongings from the trunk. Toni walked up to her mother who held out her arms for a hug, which Toni reluctantly gave. The case worker lead Toni and Lauren inside the house before setting the bag down and kneeling in front of Toni.
“Alright hon, this is it, I will be back in a couple days to check on you and your mom, ok? You be good now.”
Toni watched Mrs. Lily leave the house as she felt her mom place a hand on her shoulder. “Would you like to see your room, Antonia?” Toni shrugged before following her mom to her new room. Toni knew what to expect but her heart still dropped at the sight of the pink room, dolls everywhere, the embodiment of things Toni didn’t enjoy. She stood in the middle of the room while her mom went to get Toni’s bag. Lauren placed the bag on the ground before telling Toni she would help her unpack.
Toni didn’t own a lot of things, just a handful of clothes that consist of holes and tares. An eight-pointed star necklace she received from Shelby as a birthday gift a couple months ago. Shelby had drawn the first initials of everyone in their groups on each of the points. It sat heavy on Toni’s neck, but she refuses to every take it off. She also had a teddy bear, Martha’s favorite, that Toni received when she told her friends she was going to live with her mom again. Most other things she owned had been lost to the system. Thinking about the system always made Toni sad so out of reflex she grabbed the necklace around her neck and started to fiddle with it. Toni watched her mom unpack her belongings before her mom asked her if she wanted to take off her necklace. Toni started to freakout, worried that her mother would take away her necklace like previous foster families had taken other personal items from her.
Lauren held up her hands and apologize, “I’m sorry, honey, I was just trying to help, you look sad though are you alright Antonia?”
That was it for Toni, “My name is Toni!” Toni stomped her foot, “I’m Toni! Pink is stupid! I hate dolls, you don’t know me!” Toni grabbed a doll from the shelf and throw it against the wall.
Lauren grabbed Toni’s arms and held them against her side, Toni fought trying to free her hands. After being unsuccessful Toni started to calm down as she once again met her mother’s eyes, “Your right baby, I don’t, but you’re my baby and I want to learn everything about you. How about tomorrow we go to the store and pick out somethings you would like alright?”
Toni stayed silent for a moment before saying “Ok”.
Keeping her word, Lauren took Toni out the following day for a new wardrobe and some toys. Toni ended up picking out a basketball and a soccer ball. For the first time in a long time, Toni was excited for her new placement. Maybe this won’t be so bad.
Toni would settle into life with her mom over the next couple of months. There were bumps because of course there were. The first time Toni got into a fight at school over a playground scuffle Lauren was at a loss for how to deal with it. After picking Toni up that day Lauren started to scold Toni about the fight and Toni, still harboring some anger, started yelling back.
“Antonia, you can’t be getting into fights, do you know what would happen if you keep doing things like that? The system will take you away from me! Do you understand? I don’t know where this anger is coming from, but you need to nip it in the bud.”
“Why? He started it!”
“I don’t care! You need to have better control!”
“Shut up!” Toni yelled as they pulled up to the house, she left the car and ran into the house, went straight to her room slammed her bedroom door. Toni’s anger has always been an issue but what could she do about it? Life is unfair and it hasn’t been nice to her. She didn’t know why she got so angry all the time, just that she did. Living with her mom wasn’t helping either because she yelled a lot, and sometime random men would come into the house for a day or two. Toni didn’t like any of them, they were all either weird or ignored Toni all together. When the first one showed up Toni though he might have been her dad and her mom was finally going to let her meet him, but that was quickly proven wrong when he walked past her without even a sideways glance. Adjusting to her new life was difficult for Toni and she has no idea how to handle all of her emotions.
After that fight, the house was tense as Toni kept getting into fights and pushing her mother’s buttons. She was throwing things, breaking anything she could get her hands on, and her mom was quickly getting exhausted. She had no idea how much work a child like Toni could be. She was also still fighting the cravings, and it was getting harder every day to ignore it, replacing the need with sex and parenting, but that wouldn’t last her long. She wasn’t ready for this responsibility, she though she was, but maybe she wasn’t strong enough.
After living with her mom for half a year now, Toni was starting to notice weird things. The men still come around but sometimes instead of looking clean and put together, these men looked disheveled and jumpy. They reminded Toni of the pictures she found lying around Mrs. Lily’s office when she would leave Toni there in between homes. The pictures of her mom before Toni got sent away. They scared Toni and she hated them for that. It took some time for Toni to notice that her mom was starting to look like those men to. She started to space out, she was losing weight, and had trouble focusing when Toni would ask her a question. Toni wasn’t sure how to feel until she once again got into a fight and her mom didn’t answer the calls from the school. Toni sat in the principal’s office for hours until school ended. The principal sighed and told Toni to tell her mother to call the school the following day.
Toni stood outside waiting for her mother, she watched Dot, Leah, and Fatin loading into the school buses, Martha, Shelby, Nora, and Rachel getting picked up by their parents. While Toni sat there waiting for a parent that wouldn’t show. After an hour of waiting Toni was the last student standing outside. She was staring down at her shoes when she heard a voice next to her.
“Toni, dear, do you know where your mom is?”
Toni shook her head refusing to meet her teacher’s eyes. Toni only looked up once she felt a hand on her shoulder.
“Come inside Toni, we’ll try to call your mom again.”
Toni stood and followed her teacher back into the principal’s office. After three calls Lauren answered the phone in a groggy voice, “Hello?”
“Miss. Shalifoe? Is everything alright? Toni is here at the school still waiting to be picked up.”
“Shit what time is it? Alright I’m on my way, sorry about this.”
“You will have to come inside to the main office and speak with Principal William over an incident that occurred earlier today as well.”
“Alright, fine. I’ll be there soon.”
Lauren arrived fifteen minutes later, looking like she had just rolled out of bed, which was true in any case. She trudged into the principal’s office in slippers, messy hair, and a stained shirt. She looked down at Toni sitting across from the principal and sighed as she sat in the seat next to Toni.
“What happened earlier?” Lauren asked Principal William.
“Another fight I’m afraid, that’s the third one in as many weeks. One more incident and we might have to consider expulsion. I recommend you take her to talk to someone about these outbursts.”
“Of course, I will get right on that, but right now I just want to get Toni home.”
“Sure, Miss. Shalifoe, we just need to discuss a few things regarding the fight first.”
When the conversation was over Toni and her mother climbed into their car and Lauren started to drive. Toni sat there waiting for the weekly argument about fights, but it never arrived, instead they sat in silence for the whole drive. When arriving home Lauren left the car without a word and Toni followed reluctantly. She though her mom would say something as soon as they entered the house but instead Lauren went straight to her room to lay down. Toni was perplexed as she also headed to her room as well.
Things started to get weirder as the days progressed and Toni was getting confused. She was once playing in the living room when her mom came in and started to yell about random things, her sentences not even being strung together. Another time she was looking for her toothbrush in the bathroom and found an empty tube with a sharp tip, she didn’t know what it was for, so she asked her mom, who freaked out and snatched it from her hands. Toni got grounded for two weeks for that incident. After the first time Lauren forgot Toni at school, she decided to show her how to walk home by herself just in case. Toni would need to walk home several times over the next few weeks. After walking home for the eighth time, and being locked out on four different occasions, Lauren finally decided to give Toni her own key, if only so she could keep sleeping. Which lead to Toni walking in on some weird things, like a group of strangers sitting around their living room, all acting irritable like her mother, Toni ended up spending that whole day in her room.
Toni had learned by this point that any small incident could mean another move, and Toni wanted to avoid that. Her mother might be losing her interest of staying together but Toni didn’t want to be put with strangers again. Lately the only times the house have been clean is when they have a CPS visit. Toni being the only one willing to clean the house despite how many people come in and out the door at all hours. Toni tried everything she could think of to keep Mrs. Lily happy, but it was bound to be too much one day.
Unfortunately for Toni that day happened to be her birthday. Toni’s never had a birthday party like her friends but that doesn’t stop them from trying to make her smile. They sang to her at recess, much to Toni’s embarrassment, they gave her gifts and made plans to hang out that weekend. At the end of the day, Toni was walking home again, with a hop in her step, Toni was excited. She was going to ask her mom if she could have her first birthday party this weekend. She wants to experience everything she missed out on with her mother. She ran up to her door and unlocked it yelling inside, “Mom! Mom! Can I have a party this weekend for my birthday?”
Toni was met with silence, she looked around the cluttered living room covered in beer bottles and trash, her mother no where in sight. Toni walked down the hall looking into each room until she reached her mother’s closed bedroom door. She twisted the knob, pushed the door open a crack, and stuck her head around the door to peek inside. She saw her mom laying face down on her bed, fast asleep, that was normal. What wasn’t normal though was the lack of noise. Lauren is a massive snorer in both light sleep and deep sleep, but today Lauren was quiet, she didn’t make a single sound even as Toni crossed the room to stand by her bed. Toni’s hand hovered over her mom for a second as she worked up the nerve to place it on her mom’s back and shake her side to side.
“Mom, you need to wake up, ok? Wake up.” Toni shook her harder as her voice started to waver, Lauren’s head turned towards Toni and she could see her empty unblinking eyes, “Mom, mom, come on, I don’t like this game!” Toni started to cry loudly.
After a few minutes Toni decided she needed help, but who? Toni started to shake as she backed away from her mom, when she felt the door frame hit her back she finally turned around and ran through the house until she made it outside. She tripped on the steps right outside the front door and scraped her knee. She tried to keep crying quiet as she looked around until she saw an adult running up to her. It took a minute for her to realize that the woman in front of her was the neighbor next-door.
“Toni, what’s going on? Why are you running? Where’s your mother?”
“Mom…mommy isn’t moving, she won’t wake up!” Toni started to cry again. Her neighbor picked her up before walking into the house. She sat Toni on the couch before rushing into the back bedroom. Toni had no idea what she was doing but she stayed sitting on the couch crying and wishing for her mom to wake up. After a quiet fifteen minutes Toni hear sirens and could see flashing lights though the still open door. Paramedics rushed into the house ignoring Toni on the couch, she heard talking and banging for her mom’s room, but she couldn’t make herself stand up to investigate. She stayed rooted on the couch even as she watched the strangers carry her mom out on a strange looking bed. Toni followed her neighbor after hearing her name being called. She offered to give Toni a ride to the hospital and to stay with her until CPS arrived to talk to her about what happened.
Toni sat in the uncomfortable chair in the waiting room when she saw Mrs. Lily walking up to her. Toni stood up and walked up to her as soon as their eyes meet. Mrs. Lily sighed as she thanked Toni’s neighbor for her help before turning to Toni “I’m sorry this happened again, Toni. We all wanted to believe she got better but I guess she didn’t. Your mom is stable for now, she will be ok, but she will have to be sent away for a while again. Which unfortunately means you will need to be placed again. We can go see your mom for a minute before going to collect your things and you will have to stay at the office tonight if we can’t find you an emergency placement tonight. Come along.”
Mrs. Lily started to walk away as Toni reluctantly followed her into the nearby room. Toni stared at her mother laying in the hospital bed and all Toni could see was a stranger once again. She laid there hooked up to many different machines, tubes and wires everywhere, track marks of dots going up and down her arm, severely underweight, it scared Toni. Her mother looked like a monster rather then someone who is sick, and Toni just wanted to leave that room. After saying a quiet goodbye to her mom, Toni followed Mrs. Lily out of the hospital to head to her house and gather what little possessions she had.
Toni sat in Mrs. Lily’s car staring out the window. She though this time would be different, she though living with her mom would be different, but it was just the same. Another house of strangers and now she had to move again. Toni should be use to it by now but after ten months living at home, she was so sure it would be ok. That’s what she gets for hoping she guesses.
Staring out the window as they pulled up to the home that is no longer hers, she only had one thought, ‘Happy 10th birthday, Toni.’
Notes:
I'm not sure how accurate any of this is, the only experience I could pull from is the stories people in my life had told me about being an addict, being the child of an addict, being in foster care, or losing children to foster care.
So I hope its some what accurate.
Chapter 12: Deep end
Summary:
Rachel discovers a new passion
Notes:
Light hearted chapter
Trigger warning: none
Chapter Text
“The average swimming pool is anywhere from six to eight feet deep; it takes five to ten minutes to drown.” Nora said as the group stood at the edge of the public swimming pool. They had all managed to convince their parents to allow them to go to the public swimming pool at the beginning of the summer so they could all learn to swim together. Most of the parents agreed to take turns chaperon for the group throughout the summer. Leah's parents and Martha's mother were chosen to cover the first lesson. The three adults relaxing on lounge chairs not far from where the group is standing. Mr. Rilke reading a book while Mrs. Rilke and Mrs. Blackburn spoke of Jace starting school soon and Bernice just finding out she was pregnant again.
“Thank you for that information, Nora, it was very helpful.” Shelby said unamused. She was staring down at the deep blue water, what were they supposed to do? Was there instructions? What if…Shelby was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard a splash. She looked over and realized that Toni was no longer standing next to her.
Toni, ever the reckless child, stared at her friends, standing still with their arm floaties, as they refused to enter the water. She had an idea though, she backed up a few feet, taking off her own arm floaties, she took a running start and jumped into the pool. She stayed underwater looking around until she heard the muffled sound of Martha calling her name. Toni was under for only twenty seconds but to her friends it felt much longer. Toni resurfaced as she heard the lifeguard blow his whistle and start yelling about not jumping in the pool; Toni ignored him as she smiled at her friends.
“Come on, the water is fine.” Toni laughed.
Rachel, taking Toni’s challenge, tried to jump in after her but was stopped by Nora grabbing her arm. Rachel looked back and Nora nodded over to the lifeguard that was watching them like a hawk. Rachel relented and followed her friends down the ramp of the shallow end.
“Toni! I didn’t know you could swim! You scared us for a minute!” Martha said with excitement.
“Ya I taught myself when I lived with Mickeal and Pam. Their neighbor had a pool and like to go on vacation a lot. I used to climb the fence and use it when they were gone.”
“Toni! That’s dangerous! You could have gotten hurt trying to do something like that by yourself.” Dot piped in from where she was standing next to Shelby who was having trouble letting go of the wall, even though her feet were still on the ground.
“Whatever, Dot, you worry to much, I’m fine, and now I can show you guys how to swim!” Toni said with excitement to be able to show her friends something new. It would take a couple weeks, and a lot of convincing, for everyone to get comfortable enough to start wondering though the shallow end. Until the day they started to explore more things around the pool. Fatin and Leah taking an interest in the water slide, Nora got overstimulated and went to a lounge chair near the parents, this time just being Mr. Rilke and Mr. Campbell, to draw in her notebook and use her headphones. Martha was collecting diving toys up and down the shallow end. Shelby stayed close to the sides of the pool, only venturing further when Toni would grab her hand and help keep her floating. Currently though, Shelby was staying near Martha since Toni was distracted. Toni, Dot, and Rachel decided to have a competition to see who could go farthest into the deep end without chickening out. Dot gave up three feet away from where her feet touched the bottom, Toni following after another five feet. Rachel made it ten feet out before noticing both her friends went back, she turned to look at them and started to laugh. She had won, her laugh was cut short when she heard cheering coming from the side lines. Her eyes got wide when she noticed the diving boards.
Toni watched Rachel’s eye light up and yelled out, “I bet you won’t jump off of that!”
Rachel looked back at Toni and saw the challenge in her eyes and knew she couldn’t back down, “Just watch me!” She yelled back. She swam to the nearest ladder before taking off her arm floaties and walked to the other side of the pool until she found the line for the diving boards. She decided she was going to start out on the shortest one, might as well work her way up, right? She looked along the line of adults and kids significantly older then her. She joined the line as she felt her heart pound with every step. When it was Rachel’s turn to climb the ladder, she looked up and her vision got blurry. This was strange to Rachel, she didn’t get scared, she didn’t get nervous. After taking a deep breathe she finally climbed the ladder. She stood at the edge of the board as stared down at the water below, the height became to much and Rachel started to get double vision, for the first time in her life Rachel actually started to regret a dare she received from Toni. She managed to look out father into the pool and saw her friends watching her from the other end. They were sitting on the ramp of the shallow end, Dot with a look of concern, Shelby, Martha, and Leah were smiling and waving at her. Fatin and Tori were laughing and yelling about Rachel not going though with it. Then she saw Nora, Nora had spent most of the day hiding by the adults, head buried in her notebook, only swimming occasionally.
This time Nora was sitting next to there friends, staring up at Rachel, and for the first time in forever Nora made eye contact with Rachel. Nora smiled at her sister and waved up at her. Rachel could feel her heart slowing down as she stared at her family. She was pulled out of her trance by the kids yelling behind her, telling her to jump. Rachel looked back at the line before she heard her name being called.
“Rachel!”
She looked over at Mr. Campbell and Mr. Rilke, who were looking up at her. “You got this kiddo! Just don’t think about it! Just jump hun, you got it!” Mr. Campbell yelled up.
Rachel took a deep breath before jumping off the board. Ok, well, it’s more like she walked off the board but still, progress. She entered the pool feet first and went deeper into the water then she expected. She had to swim up about three feet to reach the surface, when her head finally raised above the surface level she could hear the cheering from the sidelines. She turned her head to see Mr. Campbell and Mr. Rilke standing behind her friends. They were all calling her name, smiling, and laughing, Dot finally looking like she was breathing again. Rachel smiled and waved at them as she felt her heart slow down again.
All she could think about was how the dive made her feel. The rush, the adrenaline, it was so exciting to Rachel. She wanted to feel this all the time, she wanted to recreate that excitement as much as she could but right now, she need to go see her friends. She swam up to the shallow end until she could get her feet under and was able to walk to where they were all sitting. Nora raced to meet Rachel and hugged her tight. Rachel got caught off guard by Nora rushing her. It’s been too long since Nora initiated a hug with Rachel, but she was eventually able to hug her back. She smiled at her friends over Nora’s shoulder as they spoke to her.
“That was awesome Rachel!” Shelby said.
Toni laughed “I wasn’t sure you were going to do it at first!”
“That looked terrifying, was it?” Leah asked.
“It wasn’t to bad.” Rachel said just as Nora let her go.
“I could never do that, it'd freak me out to much.” Martha said.
“I really enjoyed it; I think I want to go again.”
“Maybe another time Rachel.” Mr. Rilke said as he walked up, putting his hand on Leah’s head. “But today its getting late, how about we all go out to dinner and then we take you guys home. We can talk to your parents about getting back out here sometime next week, how does that sound?”
Positive responses were heard all around as Mr. Rilke turned to Mr. Campbell, only to see him hunched over coughing. “You alright there Tim?”
“Ya, I’m fine.” He said as he caught his breath, “You said something about dinner, right? Sounds like a great idea. Come on kids, I’m sure you are all starving.” Mr. Campbell said as the kids headed to the locker room to change.
The rest of summer seemed to fly by as the group spent most of their time at the pool. Rachel, in particular, loved it, since it was the only place, she could use a diving board. She was getting good at it to, on there last trip, she decided to try the highest board available, 20 feet above the pool. Much higher then the five foot she started at and even the ten foot board she had worked up to. Rachel stood on the top of the board and could feel her heart racing again, but she knew she could handle it this time. She took a deep breath and jumped once before jumping off the board and diving into the water. She also got much faster at resurfacing as to not worry her friends and whose ever parents turn it was to watch them. Just like always she was met with cheers from her friends and claps from her sister. Overall, it was a good summer for all of the kids.
The night before they were to start fifth grade Rachel and Nora were eating dinner with their parents. It was quiet for the most part, like most of their family dinners, until Angela decided to speak up.
“So, did you enjoy your summer, Rachel? Anything you want to share?”
“I think I want to join the diving team when we go to high school.”
Chapter 13: First Crushes
Summary:
Toni questions sexuality
Notes:
I don't know how I feel about this chapter, I'm not really proud of it, but I don't know how else to make it better and I already have the next chapter ready plus I have started Ch 15 so, fuck it
Chapter Text
No one is really surprised when Fatin is the first one to take an interest in boys. She had always been more outgoing then the rest of them, especially after her brothers Ahmad and Kemar were born and her parents got busier. They didn’t pay as much attention to her as before, so it was easier for her to go off without them knowing. She was still very much a daddy’s girl but with two toddlers hanging around it was hard to get one parent’s attention. Which lead to Fatin talking to other kids in their class. Tommy Del Rose was an ok kid Toni guesses. He just transferred halfway through the year and Fatin seemed to take an interest in him at the beginning of summer. They were heading to middle school in a few months, so this was normal right? Toni wasn’t sure how she felt about any of it, she just wanted to hang out with her friends without some dumb boys around. Fatin, however, disappears with Tommy and his friends sometimes, Martha, Dot, and Shelby joining them most of the time.
Toni didn’t know what they got up to all the time, but she also didn’t care, they would invite her along sometimes, but she always declined. Hanging out with a group of boys wasn’t appealing to Toni, she just wanted to hang out with the people she cared about, especially Martha and Shelby. Why would anyone what to spend time with a bunch of dumb boys when Toni was so much more fun to spend time with?
If asked she couldn’t tell you what the feeling was in the pit of her stomach, as she watched Shelby walk away with Fatin and the group of boys. It didn’t sit well with her at all. She wanted to convince Shelby to stay, but she didn’t know how, and why was it only Shelby that was making Toni’s stomach hurt? Even if she thought of something, Toni isn’t completely convinced that Shelby would actually stay.
Toni’s not stupid, she knows it’s normal for girls her age to start thinking about boys, so why didn’t she? She was so afraid her friends would leave her behind once they all started to date. She doesn’t want to be left behind though, where would she end up without her friends? She was always destined to get left behind and it wasn’t fair. So, what if she though boys were dumb? So, what if she doesn’t understand why she doesn’t like them yet? Why should she like boys though? When boys like Johnny and men like Mr. Rob exist?
Three weeks into the summer before sixth grade and Toni is still sulking. The group was hanging out at Rachel and Nora’s house watching a movie in Rachel’s bedroom. Fatin, Dot, and Shelby were missing, probably hanging out with Tommy and his group again. Thats fine though, Toni can have fun without them, even though the movie isn’t appealing to her. She’s been bored out of her mind the whole movie, it’s some dumb rom-com that Martha picked out. At this point only Martha and Leah were paying attention to the movie at all. Rachel busy bouncing a ball off the wall softly, Nora drawing, and Toni just zoning out. Toni would occasionally glance at the screen until something caught her attention.
She couldn’t tell you the name of the movie or even what it was about, but she could completely tell you this scene. She watched as one of the male characters grabbed the hand of another and interlocked their fingers together as they walked down the street talking about a random topic. They would stop about two blocks further down before saying ‘I love you’ for the first time and sharing an on-screen kiss. Toni was dumbfounded…that was possible? It was possible to like the same gender? That was a new concept for Toni. She has never seen anyone date someone of the same sex. Toni pondered what that meant as the credits rolled.
If two men could date, could two women? Would that be ok or even possible? Toni wanted to ask her friends, but they were probably as confused as her so… she needed to ask an adult, but who? Maybe…Mrs. Annie! Her current foster mom, Mrs. Annie was really nice to Toni and answers any questions that Toni has! She will just have to wait until she gets back to the house. She was drawn out of her thoughts when Rachel throw a small object at her. Toni picked it up confused, staring at the blue bouncy ball, before looking back at Rachel.
“Did you really just throw this at me?”
“I wouldn’t have had to if you were paying attention!”
“To what?! The movie’s over!”
“I asked what you wanted to do, Martha and Leah keep talking about the difference between the movie and the book and Nora went to her room for some quiet, so I’m stuck with you now.”
“I’m your last resort? Ouch, but that doesn’t mean you can throw things at me.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
Toni stood up from the floor, walked up to where Rachel was sitting across from her and tackled her to the floor. This quickly developed into a wrestling match, Toni’s mind was completely taken away from the millions of questions that such a small movie scene caused.
Arriving back at her current home, Toni was nervous about talking to Mrs. Annie. She had been living with Mrs. Annie, Mr. Levi, and their two sons for the past year, arriving two weeks after her tenth birthday. She was anger at first, another home, another family, more strangers, but Mrs. Annie and Mr. Levi were so welcoming and patient with Toni. They taught her techniques to help with her anger. Mr. Levi, who works in a gym and teaches a boxing class, even takes her to the gym sometime after hours to use the punching bags. They even throw Toni her first ever birthday party with all of her friends when she turned eleven a few weeks ago. Her foster brothers, eight-year-old Dustin and seven-year-old Bradly are really sweet kids and like to play basketball with Toni. Even though they are a Christian family they don’t make Toni go to church, they did offer when Toni first moved in. Out of curiosity Toni went for a few services before deciding it wasn’t for her. It also helps that they are only a ten-minute walk from Martha’s farm. Toni really enjoys staying with a family for the first time in a while. She knows it probably won’t last but she’s going to enjoy it while she can.
As soon as she walked inside, she could smell something coming from the kitchen. She walked the small distance from the living room to the kitchen, waving at Dustin and Bradly playing, they tried to call her over, but Toni had questions that needed answered. She walked into the kitchen where she found Mrs. Annie standing at the stove, Toni never knows what Mrs. Annie is cooking, completely unfamiliar with most foods the family eats, but it’s always delicious and Toni never goes hungry anymore. Toni doesn’t snack very often but knowing the fridge is always open and she could eat whenever bring a form of comfort. Toni stepped up next to Mrs. Annie watching her cook.
Mrs. Annie looked down when she realized Toni was next to her, “Hello dear, are you hungry? Dinner will be ready soon.”
“A little, but can I ask a question?”
“Of course, what’s the matter?”
“Is it normal for boys to date other boys?”
Mrs. Annie paused, “Oh, one of those types of questions, alright.” Mrs. Annie turned the stove off before turning to Toni. “Come dear, sit at the table, dinner can wait.” Mrs. Annie lead Toni to the small dining table in the kitchen before taking a seat, Toni sitting across from her.
“May I ask, why these questions are coming about? Did something happen?”
“We watched a movie, and two boys kissed, so I was curious.”
“Alright love well the short answer is yes, its normal, and there’s nothing wrong with it, or the people who feel that way.”
“What about two girls?”
“Yes, that’s normal to, it’s called being gay. While it’s normal, I will say honey, that there are people out there who don’t understand it and they become mean for it. They even hurt people just because they are different, but god made all of us in his image so how could people being who they are be such a bad thing? Do you understand? Have you been thinking about this for a while?”
“I’m…not sure? My friends are interested in boys all the time, but I don’t care about them.”
“That’s alright to, just because they are curious doesn’t mean you have to be right now, and even if you are never curious of boys that’s ok to.”
“How…how do you know you like someone? How did you know you liked Mr. Levi?”
“Well, that’s a trick question, because its different for everyone, but for me it was the butterflies.”
“Butterflies?”
“That’s what they call them, it’s a flutter in your stomach, a nervousness that only happens around a certain person. When you like someone, you want to spend all your time with them, you do nice things for them, you think about them all the time. You want to hold their hand, you want to keep them safe, things like that. Sometimes though you just know because they make you want to be a better person, not by their actions, but by their presence. You want to do better for them. Do you understand?”
“I think so.”
“Do you have any other questions honey?”
“No, I think I’m ok.” Toni said as she stood up from her chair.
“Alright then,” Mrs. Annie stood up as well, “I need to finish dinner, why don’t you go to the living room to play with Bradley and Dustin? I’ll come get you guys in a bit.”
“Ok.” Toni said as she headed into the living room where she found Dustin and Bradly playing with army men. She sat beside them silently before Dustin handed her a handful of army men.
“Here Toni, you can be on my team, Bradly is trying to stop my men from crossing this river.” Dustin said as he pointed to the rope the boys had laid on the ground. Toni smiled as she joined the boys until Mr. Levi came home and Mrs. Annie called them for dinner.
Over the next week Toni took what Mrs. Annie said to heart and considered all possibilities when it came to crushes. She would wonder why she was different from her friends. She even joined Fatin, Shelby, and Dot a couple of times when they hung out with Tommy and his friends. She still didn’t get the purpose of it, and she would get angry when one of the boys got to close to Shelby, but she still didn’t understand why. All they were doing was playing in a playground in the middle of Rainer Park, it’s not different from their normal days so why did the boys have to be here? Whatever, Toni doesn’t care, she has her friends and that’s enough, right? Toni was pulled out of her thoughts by Shelby grabbing her hand and Fatin calling her name.
Toni looked over at Shelby who smiled at her before saying, “We are going to meet the others at the soccer field, you’re coming right?”
“Uh, ya, of course.” Toni said as Shelby started to pull her down the path and away from the center of the park. The only thing Toni could think the whole time was that Shelby didn’t let go of her hand the whole way as she pulled Toni behind her. Staring at their hands, Toni noticed her heart started to race. She gripped Shelby’s hand tighter and realized that it felt nice to hold Shelby’s hand. She looked up from their hands to stare at Shelby, after a minute of feeling Toni’s gaze, Shelby looked back and smiled at Toni. Toni felt her heart stop for a second before she noticed the flutter in her stomach. Why was one of her best friends making her nervous right now? What is happening to her?
Toni wouldn’t mention any of this until she spent the night on Martha’s floor. “Marty? Are you awake?” Toni asked as she stared up at the ceiling.
“Ya, are you cold?”
“No, I just, why do you hang out with those boys?”
“Oh, I don’t know, their fun and cute, I guess.”
“Cute?”
“Ya you know, cute, like I like them, mostly Frankie, but they are all cute.”
“How did you know you liked Frankie?”
“I don’t know, he’s funny and sweet, I like playing with him. It’s hard to explain. Why? Do you like a boy?”
“Marty,” Toni finally turned onto her side to stare up at Martha who was slightly leaning over her bed, “I don’t think I like boys.” Toni tucked her hands under her pillow as she curled into herself.
“Yet? Or do you like girls?”
“I don’t know if its girls or just one.”
“You like someone?”
“I think, she just makes me nervous, and Mrs. Annie said that’s a sign.”
“Ya? Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t know, it’s all confusing.”
“That’s ok, maybe we should just sleep, you might feel better in the morning.”
“Ya, your right,” Toni turned over to face the other direction and stared at the wall for five minutes before opening her mouth again, “its Shelby, I think I like B.”
Toni didn’t expect Martha to hear her or to respond, “That makes sense, you guys have always been close.” Martha said in a groggy voice.
Toni froze for a moment at Martha’s voice before relaxing, maybe everything would be ok. Toni isn’t ready to mention this confusion to all her other friends but at least she has Martha for now.
Chapter 14: Tastes like Chicken
Summary:
Martha journey to becoming a vegetarian
Notes:
another short chapter I'm not really proud of, but the kids are getting older so the stories will be more connected and in-depth hopefully.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
The first week of middle school was brutal and the kids were exhausted. They were gathered at Martha’s house trying to unwind the first Saturday after they started sixth grade. After Martha took care of the animals, she walked into the house to see her friends playing with young Jace and her toddler sister Baylee. She joined them playing trucks with her siblings. They talked about their new classes and teachers until Martha’s mother came to collect Baylee and Jace.
“Come along you two, daddy is making dinner, and Martha wants to spend time with her friends. Let’s head outside for a while.” Bernice said as she picked up Baylee and lead Jace out the back door.
With the young kids gone they decided to flip though channels until they could all agree on something. They eventually gave into Rachel’s insistence of a horror movie; they decided to put on ‘eight legged freaks’. Rachel swears it’s a good movie and not that scary, but Martha doesn’t really believe her.
As the movie starts Martha looks around at her friends, Dot, Fatin, and Leah sitting on the couch with Fatin in the middle, Fatin leaning heavily on Leah, looking like she was already going to fall asleep. Rachel sat in a recliner with Nora sitting on the floor in front of her leaning against legs. Toni was sitting on the right of Martha on the floor with Shelby sitting on the other side of Toni. Martha couldn’t help but notice every time Shelby shifted Toni did as well and she was completely stiff next to her. It’s been like this ever since Toni had realized her crush of Shelby. Martha is the only one to notice it seems, but that makes sense since Toni has yet to tell any of them that she likes girls. Martha did some research and discovered it is called ‘coming out’ when some from the queer community tells people about who they are. She mentioned it to Toni and asked when she would want to ‘come out’ to the others, Toni who just seemed to shrug and say she didn’t want to bring it up yet that it didn’t matter since Shelby wouldn’t like her back. Martha wasn’t sure about that, but she left it alone.
As they watched the movie Martha tried not to pay attention because she was already terrified. She kept looking at her friends, Fatin having actually fallen asleep after ten minutes still leaning on Leah who moved her arm around Fatin to be more comfortable. Shelby kept trying to hide behind Toni who kept silently freaking out. Martha tried to muffle her laugh as Toni moved closer to her to calm her heart rate.
“Come on B, its not even that bad.” Toni said as she pulled away from Shelby again.
“That’s easy for you to say, your not scared of anything!”
That did cause Martha to laugh because she knows for a fact that Shelby herself is the one thing that terrifies Toni. Toni shot a look at Martha pleading for help, but she couldn’t stop laughing at her friend.
“Guys quiet this is my favorite part!” Rachel said as she sat up and leaned closer to the screen. They watched as the guy on screen saw the spiders over the hill, before he turned around and ran to the gas station his friends were at he started to say something before…the screen went black and a commercial started.
“Oh, come on seriously? Right now?” Rachel said with irritation as she leaned back again, crossing her arms.
“Well in that case, I’m getting more popcorn anyone want anything?” Dot asked as she stood up. After receiving only negative answers she walked away. Leah then also stood up and she dragged Fatin onto her feet.
“I’m going to lay her in your room, ok Martha?” Leah asked.
“Of course.”
Martha looked at her friends that were still left, Rachel and Nora talking in a quiet voice and Shelby still trying to hide behind Toni even though the commercials. Martha smiled as she finally turned back to the tv but she would wish she hadn’t. It was a PSA about a chicken farm. Martha felt her stomach drop as she watched how chickens were killed and processed. Even as the commercial ended, Leah and Dot returned, and the movie started back up, Martha could not get the view out of her head. She sat there replaying the commercial until the movie ended. How could anyone do something like that? How could people hurt innocent animals like that? How could Martha eat meat after that?
After the movie ended, Bernice came back inside with Jace and Baylee, while Russell entered the living room, “Dinner is ready, are you all staying?”
“Actually, I got to get home to my dad.” Dot said.
“Me two, my daddy want to talk about my pageants.”
“Nora and I are going to the pool to practice my dives.”
“Fatin has lessons tonight and I promised to make sure she was on time, so I have to walk her home.”
“I’ll probably stay but I have to call Mrs. Annie.”
“Sure kiddo, you know where the phone is.” Russell said as Toni stood up and walked passed him into the kitchen.
“I better go wake up Fatin.” Leah said as she walked out of the room as well. The group slowly dispersed as they said goodbye to Martha and her family. When it was just the six of them, they headed into the kitchen for dinner.
“Alright, we got hamburgers and fries tonight I hope you all are hungry.”
Martha froze as her dad handed her a plate with a burger and fries on it. She joined her family at the table where she slowly at her fries. She looked around as Toni and Jace tore into their burgers and could feel her stomach getting heavier. When her fries were done, she just kept staring at the meat on her plate not knowing what to do, hamburgers use to be her favorite and now they just made her stomach hurt.
Bernice looked up from where she was helping Baylee eat and glanced over at Martha, “Martha honey, are you not hungry? Would you like something else?”
“Mama, I don’t think I can eat meat anymore.”
“What do you mean, Martha?” Russell asked.
“There was a video…of a chicken farm… and every time I think of meat my stomach hurts now. I don’t want…I can’t…”
“It’s ok hun, you don’t have to,” Russell stood and grabbed the plate in front of Martha, he put it on the counter before grabbing a clean bowl and making her a salad, “Its not much but I will make you something else when everyone is done if you are still hungry.”
“I’m sorry daddy.”
“Don’t be honey, its alright, we will make vegetarian options for you from now of if you would like?”
“Vegetarian?” Toni asked with her mouth full.
“People who don’t eat meat Toni, which you definitely are not.” Bernice laughed.
Martha smiled at her family and their understanding. If only it would always be that easy.
A couple months after Martha’s dietary change she started to feel weird. She was tired all the time, she was irritable, and her body would sometimes hurt. Her parents just though she was stressed about school until she snapped at Jace one day for tripping over her foot. That immediately called for a family meeting.
“Martha, you’ve been acting weird lately, what’s going on?”
Martha refused to meet their eyes. “Is this about the trial?” Martha snapped her head up,
“NO! I told you! Nothing happened then!”
“Ok, ok, Martha we are getting a bit off track, if its not that what is it?” Russell asked.
“I don’t know, I feel weird, like I’m going to be sick all the time.” Martha reluctantly said.
“Ok, let’s make an appointment with your doctor, ok? We will figure it out alright?”
“Ok.”
A week later they finally got in to see Dr. Ramirez. Russell stayed in the waiting room with Jace and Baylee, as Bernice headed back with Martha.
“So, Martha, what would you like to talk about today?”
“I’ve been tired a lot; my body hurts a lot, and we don’t know why.”
“Have you gotten hurt ever since your accident?”
“No, I’ve been careful.”
“Have you traveled over seas in the last three months?”
“No.”
“Any dietary changes?”
That caused Martha to pause which lead to Bernice answering, “Yes actually, Martha decided to become a vegetarian about two months ago.”
“Well, that might be it then, vegetarians and vegans don’t get all of the vitamins they need from their diets. While I believe children need meat to grow there are other ways to get what one needs from their diet.”
Dr. Ramirez rolled his chair across the room to his laptop. “Now the most important thing vegetarians don’t receive is vitamin B12. Low levels can cause body aches, fatigue, irritation, along with other symptoms. Now I recommend she starts taking it as soon as today, it should fix the problem in a few days but if it doesn’t, come back and we will run some test, but I truly believe its just a vitamin deficiency.”
Bernice signed with relief, “Thank you so much Dr. Ramirez.” Bernice and Martha stood to leave and gathered Russell and the kids from the waiting room before heading home. Dr. Ramirez was right, after a couple days of taking the B12 supplements, Martha felt like herself again. Being a vegetarian was a learning experience for Martha and her family, from learning how to keep her healthy to how to make vegetarian burgers they work though it all as a unit and Martha would be forever thankful.
Notes:
I'm not saying 'eight legged freaks' caused my arachnophobia but it is funny they occurred around the same time.
Chapter 15: Truth or Dare
Summary:
Toni comes out to the group, Shelby struggles with her religion
Notes:
This chapter is later then I wanted but the next four are directly connected so I didn't want to add this chapter until they were all done so it could be as cohesive as possible, so I will update daily until Tuesday.
Trigger warning: Homophobia
they are all around 13 years old
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
“You’re…a lesbian?” Leah ask in a slightly confused voice. They were gathered at Rainer Park to play basketball when Toni decided she was ready to tell them the truth.
“That’s what Mrs. Annie said it’s called, I don’t know, I just know I don’t like boys like you guys do, I think I like girls.” If anyone noticed the way Shelby stepped away from Toni, they didn’t mention it.
“Me two.”
Everyone looked at Fatin in confusion, “I mean I still like boys, but I think I also like girls.” Fatin shrugged.
“I know there are some people who won’t like that I am this way, so if you have a problem tell me now.” Toni said as she started to clench her fists at her side.
“Oh, ok, well I don’t care.” Rachel said as she grabbed the basketball from under Toni’s arm and started to dribble down the court. Toni laughed with relief before chasing after her, quickly followed by Fatin, Leah, Dot, and Martha. Nora staying behind with Shelby.
“Are you ok?” Nora asked as she watched Shelby fiddle with the cross around her neck. Shelby put on her award-winning smile and turned to Nora.
“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”
“You’re a bad liar.” Nora walked off to watch the basketball game from the sidelines.
The following weeks were unusually tense for the group, it had never been like that before. Shelby was distant and quiet; she shied away every time Toni or Fatin got close to her. Toni tried not to feel hurt over it but what Mrs. Annie told her about people hating her for her existence keeps ringing in her head. Shelby couldn’t be someone like that right? Someone who would hate her and hurt her just for being alive? She was afraid of losing her best friend. When Fatin noticed Shelby’s distance, however, she wasn’t afraid to confront her.
They were in Fatin’s backyard playing truth or dare just trying to enjoy their Saturday. They sat in a circle on the ground, Toni sitting with her back to the house, Martha next to her, followed by Shelby, Dot, Leah, Fatin, Nora and Rachel next to Toni. Nora smiled as she looks over at Toni, “Truth or dare?”
“No question, dare!”
Nora looked around before deciding “I dare you to eat a spoon full of hot sauce.”
“No problem.” Toni stood up and ran inside only to reappear with a metal spoon and a bottle of hot sauce. Toni slid into the spot she left open before fully sitting back down. They waited with battered breath as Toni poured the hot sauce onto the spoon. Toni just grinned and winked at them before shoving the spoon into her mouth. They waited for some type of reaction and got nothing as Toni just stared at all of them.
“Toni, what the hell?” Dot asked as she started to laugh.
“Dude that was nothing. I love hot sauce.” Toni laughed “Alright, Fatin truth or dare?”
Fatin thought for a second before deciding “Truth.”
“You have your first kiss yet?”
“Girl or boy?” Fatin laughed before noticing the way Shelby tensed up and decided to push the conversation some.
“Either.”
“Rebecca from my math class, we were hanging out with some other kids when they dared me. They thought I would wimp out or something, as if.”
Shelby shifted in her spot even more. Fatin started to frown, she caught Toni’s eye and nodded over to Shelby. Fatin could see the moment Toni saw what she was referring to. As Toni’s face drops, Fatin has had enough.
Fatin decided to test her theory, “Shelby, truth or dare?”
“Um, truth I guess.”
“Do you have a problem with Toni and I?”
“What? What do you mean?” Shelby let out an awkward chuckle.
“Do you have a problem with Toni being gay? Or me being Pan?”
“What? Fatin how can you ask that? Of course she doesn’t. Right Shelby? You don’t judge them for who they are right? You’re not like that?” Martha asked, her voice becoming more pleading as she spoke. Hoping one of her best friends wasn’t this monster that Fatin is trying to paint.
Shelby looked around at her friends as she felt her body tense, “Look, I love all of you, there is no hate in my heart, but my beliefs doesn’t support that, and neither can I.”
“I fucking knew it.” Toni said with anger in her voice as she stood up.
“Toni, this has nothing to do with you as a person, I still love you, but I just can’t support your choices.”
“This is who I am Shelby!” She flinched, not hearing her full name from Toni for a long time. “You think I choice this? To be this confused? To worry about existing all the time? Mrs. Annie warned me that there would be people out there that hated me, but I never expected it to come from you.”
Toni spun on her heels before heading into Fatin’s house. Fatin soon stood up and followed Toni after a moment of awkward silence. The group watched the two girls walk away before looking back at Shelby. Shelby felt shame as she looked around at the people that were supposed to be family to her.
“What? Am I not allowed to have my own opinions?”
“Not those ones.” Dot said as she stood up, shortly followed by Rachel, Martha, and Leah as they headed inside.
“Why do you feel that way?” Nora asked, being the only one left. “
My daddy says it wrong.” Shelby said as she pulled her knees into her chest.
“You ever think your dad might be the one who is wrong? You should probably leave.” Nora finally stood up and headed inside as well leaving Shelby outside in her isolation.
They don’t really know when Shelby left, they were too busy trying to get Toni to calm down. All her exercises with the Daily family seem to go out the window.
“Toni, you got to stop man.” Dot yelled as Toni once again punched the wall in Fatin’s bedroom. Toni didn’t have enough power to make a hole, but it definitely bruised her knuckles, while leaving small indents.
“Ahhh!” Toni yelled, “It’s so stupid, I hate this!” “
It’s alright, she’s come around.” Leah said as she sat next to Fatin on the bed. Martha, Rachel, and Nora occupied the floor, while Dot kept trying to get in between Toni and the wall.
“We all know that’s a lie,” Toni spun around to look at her friends, “She’s been obsessed with her religion since we met, I was stupid to believe she would think Fatin and I were more important than that.” Toni backed up to the wall and slid down until she was sitting on the floor. She crossed her arms across her bent knees and buried her head in her arms.
Dot sat down next to Toni putting her arm around her shoulder. “Listen to me right now Toni, this isn’t worth it, she isn’t. You and Fatin matter to us and we will never let anyone get to you guys. Shelby or no Shelby, you have all of us.” Toni finally managed to look up at Dot before leaning her head against Dot’s shoulder.
“Toni…can I ask you a question?”
Toni looked over at Rachel before nodding her head “Do you…do you like Shelby? Is that why your so upset?”
Toni made eye contact with Martha before nodding her head.
“She does, that’s when Toni realized she liked girls.” Martha said from her spot on the ground.
“Fuck man.”
Toni couldn’t help but laugh hearing Dot curse. It was a small moment that reminded her of what she still had, six amazing friends who would stand by her and Fatin forever. Toni smiled when she looked up at Fatin for the first time since they entered her room. Toni know that Fatin dug the truth out of Shelby not to hurt any of them but in a form of protectiveness over Toni. Toni would always be grateful for Fatin looking out for them.
Fatin wasn’t stupid, she knew for a while that Shelby wasn’t ok with everything that was transpiring between Toni and Fatin as they came out. She just didn’t believe that Shelby would throw away everything they had over it. Their Saturday movie nights were a bit different now, Shelby wasn’t around to hide behind Toni during horror movies, Toni didn’t throw popcorn at Rachel when she would make a dumb joke. Martha’s smile was flatter, Nora was quieter, Dot tried to keep them distracted but it never seemed to work. Fatin leaned harder into Leah’s side; her weight heavy on Leah’s shoulder who didn’t know how to lift it. Their group was fractured, and they had no idea how to fix it, no one had heard from Shelby since that fateful day.
They saw her in school and knew she was physically ok but psychologically? That was harder to gauge. Avoiding Shelby became second nature to Fatin over the next couple of weeks, they only shared English together, so it wasn’t hard. She didn’t want to avoid her; they had such a long history but how could she hang out with someone who hates who she is? Someone who could hate a soul like Toni for something she can’t control? Toni won’t admit it, but Fatin can tell the whole confrontation was making her regret coming out. How could anyone look at Toni, or Fatin herself, and decide some force they can’t see was more important? Whatever Fatin was done wasting her time thinking about Shelby, she had more important things to focus on…like her English test. She hates English but Leah offered to tutor her so how could she refuse?
They had agreed to meet at the library after school, Fatin’s house was currently buzzing with two toddlers that seem to love Leah more than Fatin, and Leah’s house being taken over by Kurt’s camping group. While Leah hasn’t been camping since the snake attack Kurt still goes regularly with the other adults from that day and they occasionally meet to discuss new camping grounds. So, library it was, they spent most of their time in the teen section, a small room full of young author books, desks, board games, and two soundproof rooms for studying. They were inside one of these rooms when Leah noticed her, Shelby, had entered the teen room, probably to study as well. Leah tried to make herself hard to notice, and keep Fatin distracted from looking through the glass walls of the study room. It didn’t seem to work as she noticed Fatin staring right at where she last saw Shelby. Leah tensed before turning to see Shelby staring right back at Fatin as well. Leah silently hoped Shelby would just walk away and let them study in peace, but that hope would quickly be dashed as she watched Shelby walk up to the study room door and twist the handle. Shelby walked into the room; her math book cradled in one hand while she used the other to quietly close the door behind her. Shelby stared at the ground as she could feel Leah and Fatin glaring at her.
“What do you want?” Fatin asked though gritted teeth.
Shelby’s head snapped up before meeting Fatin’s eyes again, she glanced away to look at Leah before turning back to Fatin again.
“Fatin, can we talk?” Her eyes flicked over to Leah again, “Alone?”
“Whatever you want to say you can say in front of my girlfriend.”
“Girlfriend?” both Shelby and Leah said in confusion, Fatin meet Leah’s eyes and just shrugged before looking back at Shelby.
“Please Fatin, it will be quick.”
“Fine.” Fatin let out a heavy sigh. She could see the worry in Leah’s eyes, and it weighed of Fatin’s heart, “It’s alright Leah, it will be quick then we can get back to English, alright?”
“Ok, I guess, I’ll be right outside.” Leah stood up from the table leaving everything in its place. Leah walked out of the study room and took a seat on the reading chairs across from the room so she could still see inside. She sat with her arms crossed as she watched the two girls talk in the silent room. She couldn’t hear them, but she knew Fatin’s body language and could always tell when Fatin was putting on a front, and right now she was so tense from the conversation that Leah started to worry that Fatin would attack Shelby at one point.
Watching Leah leave, Shelby let out a sigh as she sat in the chair Leah was once occupying. “I didn’t actually plan what I was going to say, I was expecting you to completely blow me off.”
“Ya well there’s still plenty of time for that. What do you want Goodkind?”
“I just want to talk,” she looked down at her hands on the table, one in a lose fist with the other covering it, she was trying not to shake, when did this become so hard? “I miss all of you and I want things to go back to before.”
“Ya, I don’t see that happening as long as you stay hateful.”
“I’m not hateful, it’s just god says it’s a sin, how can we go against him? He never gives us trials we can’t fix, my daddy helps men who feel like you and Toni, maybe he could help you guys to.”
Fatin let out a weak chuckle, “What? Helps them how? And there’s nothing wrong with Toni and I, we can’t control what we feel and if you can’t accept that then you don’t need to be around us. Look, we’ve been friends for our whole lives. I don’t want to lose that either but I’m not really the one you need to talk to; you need to talk to Toni. If she can accept this then I will THINK about it. I, however, won’t be accepting anything right now if you want to fix this, start with your views.”
Seeing that Fatin essentially ended their conversation, Shelby grabbed her book before heading to the door.
“Right, I get it.”
“I was joking by the way.”
Shelby stopped and spun on her heals to look at Fatin again, “What?”
“I was lying when I called Leah my girlfriend, I just wanted to watch you squirm.” Shelby swallowed the lump in her throat before turning to the door again to exit. She watched Leah jump up from her seat and rush past her to check up on Fatin. Shelby felt her heart get heavy when Leah wouldn’t even meet her eyes. Shelby decided not to stay in the library any longer, she seemed to have developed a weird taste in her mouth.
Over the past weeks Toni discovered that basketball is the only thing that truly clears her mind, and she enjoys not having to think of anything. Dot agreed to accompany her to Rainer park anytime she was asked. Dot had recently started wearing cargo shorts claiming she like the storage, but Toni doesn’t believe her until she tripped on the court. Toni was dribbling past Dot trying to practice her dodging when her ankle twisted, and she went down. Toni landed roughly on her left knee scraping the top layer of skin off, her hands going out to catch her fall, before rolling onto her side in order to sit down. She managed to pull her left knee into her chest as she yelled.
“Dang, that really hurt.” Toni’s eyes were closed until she heard a thump next to her, she opened her eyes to see Dot next to her digging though one of her many pockets. Dot finally pulled out a couple of loss Band-Aids before handing one to Toni.
“What were you saying earlier about my shorts?”
Toni laughed as she grabbed the Marceline Band-Aid from Dot’s hand, “I stand…well sit by what I said, no one needs that many pockets.”
“Whatever you’ll be happy for the storage one day, and when you ask me to carry something for you, I’ll remind you of this conversation before saying no.”
“Whatever Dot, you know you won’t do that.” Toni said as she finally managed to stand back up.
“Hey Toni, Dottie.”
Toni tensed up at the voice behind them, she spun on her heels to come face to face with someone she never though would talk to her again, Shelby. Toni felt Dot’s hand land on her shoulder, and she started to relax knowing she isn’t alone.
“Toni, can we talk?”
“What’s there to talk about, pretty sure you made your feeling clear last time.”
“Please Toni.”
Toni looked at Dot before asking her to give them a minute. Dot eyed them warily before tucking the basketball under one arm and shoulder checking Shelby with the other on her way of the court.
“So, what?”
Before Shelby could speak her mind, something caught her eye, “You’re not wearing your necklace.”
“What?”
“The necklace I got you, you’re not wearing it.”
Toni reached up to her collarbone to feel for a necklace that was no longer there.
“Oh ya, I left it at the house, you know didn’t feel like wearing a gift from someone who hated me.”
“You know I don’t, I don’t hate you Toni, you get that right?”
“Ya, you do though. I could see the look in your eyes, when Fatin and I got to close to each other, you shutter. You don’t think I notice but I do. You’ve tensed every time I’ve gotten close to you ever since I came out. You pull away every time I touch you, you avoid eye contact. You can’t even look at me right know.”
Shelby tensed as she felt eyes starting to look at her, she turned to see some people watching them as Toni’s voice got louder, “Can we go somewhere quiet?” Shelby didn’t wait for an answer before grabbing Toni’s wrist and dragging her into the tree lines nearby.
“What? Don’t even want to be seen talking to me now?” Toni asked as she yanked her hand from Shelby.
“Toni can you just…uhhg, just listen please.”
“Fine go ahead.”
“It’s not you Toni, it’s my daddy, it’s the bible, it’s my faith, these things I love, and they all go against gay people, and I don’t know what to think. I still love you and Fatin, but my faith is important to me.”
“Ya well, it’s important to Mrs. Annie and Mr. Levi to but they still care about me! They found a middle ground so why can’t you?! I hate to tell you but if you live your life in your ‘daddy’s’ shadow forever when do you become your own person? When do you just do what you want and not what everyone else wants from you? If you never stand up for what you want how will you ever…”
Toni was cut off when Shelby leaned forward and kissed her. It was just a quick peck that left Toni confused and when she opened her eyes all she could see was Shelby running way.
What just happened? Why did Shelby kiss her? Why did she run away? Should she follow her? Toni didn’t know what to do until she saw Dot running to her.
“What was that about?” Dot asked as she stopped in front of Toni.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, what did she want? She ran out of here so fast, did you hit her or something?”
“No, I…I…I don’t know what happened we were just talking about her religion and then she was gone.”
“Was it bad?”
“I don’t think so…” Toni finally shook her head to clear her mind, “Can we just go play basketball now?”
“Sure, whatever you want Shorty.”
“Don’t start with that again.” Toni laughed as she grabbed the basketball from where Dot left it on the ground.
Notes:
Toni's coming out is weakly based on my own
Chapter 16: puberty sucks
Summary:
Nora gets her period while the others worry about Shelby
Notes:
A short, kind of light hearted chapter before we get into some heavier stuff, not sure how I feel about this chapter but whatever.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
It’s been three weeks since that day in the park with Toni, and Shelby hasn’t even been to school. All the girls have received phones over the past year and have tried repeatedly to reach out to Shelby due to Toni’s pleading that she believes something is wrong. Every search had turned up blank and it makes Toni’s heart feel heavy. Did the kiss mean nothing to Shelby or was Toni over thinking everything?
Nora wasn’t sure what had happened, Shelby had been acting weird for months but to stop showing up to school? That was a new one. How were any of them supposed to handle this. One of their own (could Shelby even be considered that anymore?) had disappeared without a word. Shelby’s family had never really been a big fan of their group, but they tolerated Nora the most since she was a quiet and respectful kid. So, it was decided that Nora would head over to the Goodkind estate to check on Shelby.
Why was she doing this again? Weren’t they supposed to be mad at Shelby? Toni’s so persisted though…why? Whatever, she just has to walk up to the main door and knock, she can do this. The Goodkind estate is your picture perfect 2.3 children family home. White picket fence, toys in the front yard, white paint job with gray trim, a brown door with a doorknocker on the center of the door. A cross hanging above the doorknocker. It shouldn’t be as intimidating as it is. Reaching up to the gold doorknocker, Nora took a deep breath before knocking on the door as hard as her preteen arms could.
Nora stood there, heart racing, as she listened to the footsteps coming from inside the house. The door creaked open as little Melody opened the door. This caught Nora of guard for a second before she knelt down in front of Melody.
“Hey Mel, I’m Nora, a friend of your sister’s do you remember me?”
Mel softly nodded as she hid slightly behind the door before they hear someone call out.
“Melody, I told you not to answer the door…oh hello Nora.” Nora looked up to see Jobeth standing behind Melody with three-year-old spencer on her hip.
“Hello Mrs. Goodkind, hello Spencer.” Nora let out a small wave as Spencer smiled at her, before standing back up.
“Mel why don’t you take spence to the other room for now while I talk to Nora.” Jobeth set Spencer down before Mel grabbed his hand and lead him out of the doorway. Jobeth smiled as she watched her children walk away before turning back to Nora. “Now how can I help you dear?”
“I was looking for Shelby, she hasn’t been to school lately and we were getting worried. Is she here?”
Jobeth’s smile dropped, “Oh, Shelby, of course, unfortunately she’s not here. She went away for a while, she will be back eventually, she just has some things to work though at her aunt’s house.”
“Oh, but she’s ok? Do you know when she will be back? She’s not answering her phone.”
“Yes dear, of course she’s fine, I don’t actually know when she will be back it could take a while. Her aunt also has strict rules about technology, so she had to leave her phone here and won’t be able to be reached. When she gets home, I’ll let her know you stopped by alright?”
“Oh, ok thanks.”
“Of course, dear, I will see you around.” Jobeth said before closing the door in Nora’s face. That was weird, even for the Goodkind’s. Nora stood staring at that closed door for a solid minute before turning and heading back home.
Nora walked into her home expecting to be met with quiet and was surprised to actually hear noise coming from Rachel’s room. She walked up to the door and knocked. She wasn’t prepared for Martha to be the one to open the door. She looked past Martha to see Rachel lounging on her computer chair watching Toni, Dot, Leah, and Fatin playing what seems like an intense game of Sorry! on the floor.
“I didn’t know you guys were here.” Nora said to get the other’s attention. Rachel looked up at her twin with a lazy smile, “They insisted on being here when I mentioned you were going by the Goodkind’s today."
Toni finally looked up from the game to meet Nora’s eyes, “How is she?”
“She wasn’t there, her mom said she was going to her aunt’s for a while she said something about Shelby having things to work though. I don’t know, I feel like she was lying to me.” Nora explained as Martha let her into the room and they both took a seat on Rachel’s bed.
“What does that even mean?” Martha asked.
“I’m not sure, she said Shelby’s aunt has a problem with phones, so Shelby had to leave hers behind and that’s why she won’t respond to us. The whole thing was weird.”
“When is she going to be back?” Dot asked as she sat back from the board.
“She doesn’t know, she said she would tell Shelby I stopped by, I guess all we can do is wait.”
“I hate this.” Toni said as her anger started to boil.
“Shorty, what happened when you guys talked?”
Toni’s face started to get red, “Nothing, I just think she started to question things that her dad taught her, maybe that’s why she got sent away.” Toni reached up to grab the star pendant that she had begun wearing again.
“I don’t know, the whole thing was just weird.” Nora said in a way to end the conversation.
“Well, if there’s nothing we can do can we get back to the game? I was just about to send one of Toni pawns back home.” Fatin said.
Toni looked down at the board and then to Fatin, “In your dreams Jadmani! I’m going to crush you!”
The game continued until Fatin did in fact send one of Toni’s pawns back to start just as she was about to reach the final turn. This caused the others to laugh, they laughed even harder when Toni flipped to board.
Deciding to play a less intense game, things seemed to calm down. Soon they mostly forgot about Shelby and the weirdness of her disappearance. They were just enjoying their Saturday until Nora felt an intense pain in her abdomen.
“Ow, what the-” Nora leaned over gripping her stomach. Rachel was the first to notice the change in Nora. She jumped up from the chair and walked up to Nora who started to lay on the bed.
“Hey, you ok?”
“My stomach, it hurts so bad.”
“I’ll see if mom has any medicine, ok? Can you stand?”
“I think so.” Nora stood up on wabbly legs only to reveal a dark stain on the bed. Looking down Rachel said, “Nora, I think you got that thing mom told us about your, uh, what did she call it?”
“A period. That’s just great. I better find mom.”
Nora was gone for maybe fifteen minutes but upon her return she could tell her friends were different. They all stared at her as she walked though the door wearing different clothes. Nora noticed the sheets had been changed and Dot was missing.
“Where did Dot go?”
“She had to get something, she’ll be back soon, did you need anything Nora? You want to play a game?” Leah asked.
“No, I think I’ll just lay down and watch you guys, my stomach still hurts.” Nora said as she laid down on Rachel’s bed. She turned to the side to watch her friends set up a game of uno. They were halfway though the deck, Martha two cards away from winning, when Dot finally came back.
She walked though the door and straight to Nora. She pulled something out of the shopping bag in her hand before setting it in front of Nora. Nora lifted her head just enough to see the box of dark chocolate that Dot set down, it was her favorite.
“Thanks Dot.”
“No problem.” Dot responded before sitting down on the floor with the others. Nora looked around the room at her friends and smiled. It felt nice to not be alone right now.
Nora felt her heart drop at that though, despite everything she missed Shelby. For the past seven years they have all been there for major events, kindergarten when they met, joining soccer, concerts, pageants, coming outs, snake bites, hospital visits, everything that changed them was witnessed by all until now. Shelby wasn’t here with the others when Nora started puberty. Shelby was gone and they had no way of reaching her, despite the problems they had, despite the fights, she was their family and was supposed to be there.
Nora didn’t mention it to her friends and if any of them had the same thought they didn’t mention it either. Nora held onto that though for the rest of the night not wanting to upset her friends, but how could Shelby not be here for such an important event in Nora’s life? How can they all move forward when one of their own is gone?
Notes:
The only time I saw someone actually flip a game board was when my sister did it a couple of years ago, it was so stupid but funny lol.
Chapter 17: Pray it away
Summary:
Some answers to where Shelby disappeared to.
Takes place right after that day in the parkTrigger warning: internalized homophobia and Dave Goodkind
Chapter Text
Shelby ran out of the park trying to get away from Toni as fast as possible, she was so scared. Why did she do that? Why did she kiss Toni? She’s not like her, she can’t be, its wrong…right? That’s what daddy always says that it’s not ok to feel that way, it’s not ok for Shelby to like another girl, she’s supposed to like boys. She’s spent hours hanging out with Tommy and his friends, but it never felt right. She held hands with Tommy’s friend Andrew, but it didn’t feel the same as when she held hands with Toni, Fatin, Leah, or any of their friends really. She gets a flutter around Toni that she’s spent a long time ignoring because it’s not right. How were Toni and Fatin so ok with talking about being gay? It was an abomination; Shelby was an abomination. She can’t handle this, her legs finally giving out after running for a solid twenty minutes. She crashed to the ground with a solid thump, her hand covering her chest as she tried to catch her breath.
Shelby tried so hard to hide this part of her, then she gave it up so quickly to Toni. What was wrong with her, Shelby could feel tears falling down her face as her anger grew. This was all Toni’s fault, if it wasn’t for her then none of this would be happening and Shelby wouldn’t have lost the only friends she ever had. Shelby finally managed to stop crying as she stood up, her legs almost giving out again. After taking in her surrounding Shelby noticed in her panic she actually ran towards her home and was only half a block away. Taking one final deep breath, Shelby headed down the road to head home.
Walking into her house once again Shelby was relieved to see her siblings playing in the front room and her parents seem to be elsewhere. Maybe she could avoid questions about her day.
“Shelby, come into the kitchen please.” Or maybe not. Shelby sighed as she trudged into the kitchen, stopping right before the doorway. Taking a deep breath Shelby put on her pageant smile before walking though. The first thing she noticed was her father laying his phone on the table as if he had just got done using it. Dave wrapped his hand around his coffee mug as he watch Shelby sit in the chair across from him.
“I just got off the phone with a friend from church, is there something you would like to tell me dear?”
“N…no…why did something happen?”
“I was hoping you could answer that for me, you see my friend was concerned about your little friends, there were some rumors going around. You know how small towns are when it comes to rumors. They snowball so quickly I just wanted to check in on you.” Dave said as he lifted his mug to his lips.
“What, uh, what rumors?”
Dave sighed as he set his cup back down, “They are saying some of your friends are sinner, do you know anything about that?”
“We aren’t really talking lately.”
“I see, well, honey I still want to talk to you about it because I don’t want you to go down that same hole, of sin and loneliness.”
“Wh…what?”
Dave laid his hand on the table palm up, and Shelby slowly put her own hand into his, Dave stared into her eyes, “Shelby, that type of life, the type your ‘friends’ are leading, is a very lonely one. Those people end up alone, without friends, family, anyone to care for them.” Shelby could see the tears forming in her dads’ eyes as he spoke, “I don’t want that type of life for you. You’ve seen the people I’ve helped in this very house. They are so broken when they come to me and that’s all that waits for you on that side of life. So, you can’t follow them because you will never be happy that way, honey, believe me.”
Shelby looked down at their joint hands before looking back up at her dad, “I’m not going to be alone dad, I’m not like that, I promise.”
“Well, there is another reason I wanted to have this conversation, I was told something happened at the park between you and that young girl Toni, you two were fighting then you ran off?”
“That’s a mistake daddy, nothing happened.”
“Even so, I need to talk to your mom, but you might have to go away for a while.”
“But-”
“No, none of that, we are doing this for you and to keep you safe from bad influences, just remember all I’ve said on the topic and go play with your siblings until your mom gets home.”
Shelby stood up, avoiding her father’s eyes as she headed back into the living room where Melody and Spencer were playing.
The following day Shelby was told she had to pack her bags; they were sending her away. That terrified her more that the conversation with her father the day before, she didn’t even know where they were sending her or for how long. What was she supposed to do or say to her parents? Why did it all play out this way, why did she kiss Toni? That was such a mistake, she’s not like her at all. She packed her backpack full of clothes, being told she wasn’t allowed anything else. She zipped up her backpack before throwing it over her left shoulder then heading down the stairs at a slow pace.
She was met by her parents at the bottom of the stairs and Shelby tried hard to swallow the lump in her throat at the look in her father’s eyes. Shelby looked over at her younger siblings playing in the next room, they seemed unaware of what was happening.
She looked back at her father when she felt his hand on her shoulder as he started to direct her outside to his car. After putting her bag in the back seat Shelby climbed into the front seat and stared out the window as her father started to drive away. Shelby watched her mother stand in the doorway of their house until they made a turn, and she lost sight of her.
The drive was quiet and long, three hours in silence, with a racing heart. They finally pulled up to a compound, Shelby reading the sigh as they drove past.
‘Rising Hope, a chance to start a new and end your sins’
Shelby has heard her father talk about this place before. She has heard her dad tell his friends about this place when they showed concerns about their own children. Anything from drugs to suicidal thoughts, mental health problems to sexuality and gender identity, from premarital sex to going outside normal gender roles. Anything that Dave and his community consider a sin. Dave kept his hand on her shoulder the whole walk to the main building. Entering the hall, Dave walked up to Father Matthew to shake his hand, “Hello Father. My name is Dave Goodkind, we spoke over the phone about my daughter Shelby.”
“Of course,” Father Matthew said as he griped Dave’s hand, “I have a couple forms for you to fill out, but Shelby can head to her dorm if you would like.” Father Matthew dropped Dave’s hand before turning around, “Roman, come here my boy.”
A tall lanky boy in his early twenties walk up to the group with a dopey smile on his face, his blonde buzz cut hair covered by a baseball cap and his green eyes shining, “Hello Father, is there something I can help you with?”
“Dave, Shelby, this is one of our success stories Roman, he took the same course that Shelby will be enrolled in. After completing his course, he started to volunteer here. Roman, would you please take young Shelby to cabin number seven? Introduce her to Mrs. Missy before you leave.”
“Sure, no problem, Father. Come alone young Shelby.” Roman said as he tried to put his hand on Shelby’s shoulder. Shelby yanked back fast causing Roman to chuckle, “I know this is scary, I was scared to at the beginning, but this is truly what’s best for you.”
Shelby shrugged before following Roman out of the main hall and down the dirt path to the cabin marked with a roman numeral seven with a giant cross hanging above it. Shelby took shaking steps up the steps and opened the door followed by Roman.
“Mrs. Missy, I have someone for you to meet.”
A woman in her mid-twenties turned around at the sound of new voices. Her brown eyes light up at the sight of a new person, a new child, joining them. “Hello, I’m Mrs. Missy, and you must be Shelby. I’m in charge of this cabin; you will be staying here along with four other girls.” Mrs. Missy gestured to the other side of the cabin where three girls were busy making their beds. “This is Elisabeth Tiller, Abby Valler, and Becca Gilroy, your other roommate Sandy Dunn is currently participating in one of her courses. You each are on your own path and will follow your own curriculum, when you’re not in courses, the mess, or with a counselor you must report here.”
Mrs. Missy walked up to Shelby and held out her hand, Shelby shook it reluctantly, Mrs. Missy looked up at Roman, “You may leave Roman, you know how Father Matthew’s feels about males in the female cabins.”
“Of course.” Roman turned to leave the cabin, that smile never leaving his face.
“Now Shelby there are rule here, you are not permitted to leave the grounds without an adult. There is no communication with the outside world while you are here. You graduate from the course when the councilors agree that your sin has been expunged from you. Follow our rules and the course and you will be out of here in no time. Now I know this is all scary for you, but this is for the best, we are all about healing here so make yourself at home and follow the house rules.” Shelby walked to the bed Mrs. Missy gestured to and set her bag down. Shelby looked around the room that would be her home for who knows how long and could only think of one thing…
How did I get here?
Chapter 18: Ride the waves
Summary:
Leah needs a break
Chapter Text
Two weeks into the summer before eighth grade, four months since anyone had seen Shelby, and they were still at a loss. They had no contact with her, and it worried them, what was happening to her? Toni’s anger was getting worse the longer she was away, the workouts with Mr. Levi not helping much anymore. As much as Leah loved her friends, she felt like she needed a break. She was worried about Shelby, of course, but there was nothing they could do, and her friends were driving her insane about it. That’s why, when her parents mentioned spending two weeks in California, Leah jumped on the chance. Two weeks away from their small town sounded amazing.
They kept up their weekly movie nights, even without Shelby, so Leah decided that would be the best time to broach the topic. They were gathered in Dot’s living room this weekend, her dad being busy at work, leaving them with the whole house to themselves.
“You’re going to be gone for two whole weeks?” Fatin asked as she shifted from her seat on top of Dot’s lap.
“Fatin, I swear if you don’t get off me, right now!”
“Chill, you’re lucky I even like you enough to be near you, after what you said earlier.”
"The only thing I said was that I didn’t like '10 things I hate about you’!”
“Ya and that’s a war crime.”
“That’s a stretch Fatin.” Martha said from her spot on the floor across from Fatin and Dot.
“That’s what you think.”
“Can we get back to the topic at hand, Leah is abandoning us.” Toni said as she throw her hand out in Leah’s general direction.
“That’s an over-exaggeration.” Nora said as she finished setting up Mario cart on Dot’s Nintendo 64 before handing controllers to Rachel, Toni, and Martha before grabbing one herself.
“No, I don't actually think it is, it's definitely feels like an abandonment.” Rachel said as she chose her character.
“It's nothing like that, my parents just wanna visit my mom's sister.”
“Whatever you say babe,” Fatin said, “but you guys should play the tournament with the rainbow Road, you know because Toni's playing.”
“Fuck you man, you know that works for you too, right?” Toni asked.
“Not fully, that's why it's funnier with you.” Fatin replied.
Leah smiled as the conversation got away from them, even after eight years together, they still can't hold one conversation at a time. It was always like this with them, wasn't it? They could be serious when things like Shelby’s disappearance happened but when it came to something like Leah going away for two weeks? That meant nothing, because when it came down to it, they weren't worried about Leah coming back. They knew this trip was nothing compared to Shelby’s disappearance, they knew she was coming back. She had a day she was returning and that's what they would look forward to.
Leah had never been on a plane before; to say her anxiety was spiking would be an understatement. As she followed her parents through security and up to their gate, she couldn't get her bearings on anything. They sat by the gate for half an hour waiting to be able to board and when the time finally came, Leah froze again. Watching her father cross the threshold to the plane Leah couldn’t move until she felt her mom's hand on her back. She looked up to see her mom smiling at her.
She said “I know this is new, I know this is scary, but just remember your techniques and your practices. You've come a long way from your first attack, you remember?”
Leah nodded “You came a long way since then. I want you to remember those feelings, tuck them deep in the pit of your stomach, and step onto the plane. Your father and I will be with you the whole time and we will help you through this.”
Leah closed her eyes, took a deep breath, opened her eyes, and walked onto the plane. She passed the flight attendants and the pilot who greeted her with wide smiles. She walked up to where her father was standing halfway through the plane, she looked up at her dad as he smiled at her.
“What seat do you want? Would you like to sit by the window?” Leah nodded as her father let her pass to sit down, before he himself took the middle seat allowing his wife to have the aisle. Leah followed her techniques and kept calm even as the plane started to move. When it started to come off the ground, however, her hands gripped the armrest. Her eyes fell shut until she felt her dad's hand on her arm, she opened her eyes to look at him as he smiled.
“You got this honey.” He gripped her hand until the plane rose to its cruising altitude. Once they were settled in the air and were allowed to move Leah was able to breathe again. She hoped to be able to sleep though this whole ride, that it would be over when she woke up. She was caught off guard though by the flight attendant who walked up to her. She put a smile on her face as she held out something in her hand. Leah looked at it wearily before looking at her parents who gave her a nod. Leah picked up the small metal before holding it above her head to inspect it, it was a small pin with wings on it. She looked back at the flight attendant who smile, “You just got your wings kiddo.” she said.
Leah relaxed more, pinning the pin to her blue flannel. The ride was smooth until then reached California. Leah tenses up once again when they started to descend. She reached for her dad's hand and was able to breathe as his grip grounded her. The landing was not Leah's favorite part of the trip, and she was glad it was finally over. That had been the longest 5 hours of her life. When they finally got off the plane they were greeted by Leah's aunt, her mom's younger sister, Bailey.
“Maryann, Kurt, its so good to see you both.” Bailey said as she hugged them before turning to Leah. “Leah, my beautiful niece, you’ve gotten so big.” Bailey pulled Leah into a hug as Leah awkwardly patted Bailey’s back.
Leah had only met her aunt twice in her life, the last time she was seven years old. She has no idea how to act, this woman was practically a stranger, and with no kids of her own, Bailey had no way of keeping Leah distracted. The first few days of their time together were uneventful with Leah trying to find anything to occupy her time. Why she felt the need to come with her parents she no longer understood. She needed a break from her friends, and their worries about Shelby but that didn’t matter now that she was hours away from them and she was bored out of her mind. They had created a group chat a few months ago that seems to always be going off. Fatin had even added Shelby into the group, saving her name as WithoutATrace, Leah thinks that’s a show, but she can’t remember. She kept reading texts from the group chat just wishing that she had stayed with them.
Unsinkable 8 (Why Fatin named it that Leah will never know)
Dot’s girl: Leah!!! When r u comin home??!!
Tastetherainbow: Leave her alone she’s probably busy
Tastetherainbow: And stop changing our names!
Dot’s girl: Your no fun Toni, Martha likes the names don’t u Martha?!
Mstands4Vegan: I think it’s funny
Dot’s girl: SEE
Nora: Are we still going to the park today?
Highdive: Why is Nora’s name normal?
Dot’s girl: Bc I actually like Nora 😁
Cargoshorts: That’s weird to say when your name is literally my name
Dot’s girl: I can be your girl and still not like you
Tastetherainbow: 😂
Dot’s girl: And yes Nora we r I need to beat TTR at 🏀
Tastetherainbow: Did u really just shorten the name u gave me?
Dot’s girl: 🌈
Tastetherainbow: wtf Fatin
NerdyandAnxious: She’s just reminding you of your club
Tastetherainbow: god I hate you both
Mstands4Vegan: She doesn’t, she misses you a lot
Tastetherainbow: MARTHA, the betrayal
NerdyandAnxious: It’s been three days…I miss you guys to
Highdive: I regret giving any of you my phone number
Dot’s girl: I would have gotten it from Nora anyway
Cargoshorts: She’s not lying Rachel I hear noises outside sometimes and I’m not completely convinced it’s not Fatin
Dot’s girl: I love that I live in your guys’ nightmares 😈
Leah smiled as the texts kept coming in, her friends had always been her lifeline and knowing she would see them soon gave her the courage to explore a bit more. She couldn’t go home without some stories to share. At least her aunt lived near the beach, maybe she could spend some time down there. On day four Leah headed to the beach, she was collecting seashells for her friends when she noticed the kids surfing on the beach. Leah watched them in amazement as they performed all sorts of amazing tricks. She watched one boy as he rode through the center of a wave. She was captivated by the bright grey eyes and messy brown hair. Leah has never had a crush before, she didn't know what she was supposed to expect, but she sat there watching him for an hour as he pulled off moves, she would deem impossible.
She decided it felt nice to have a crush on someone, even if she didn't even know his name yet. Leah watched as he returned to the beach and got off his board. She realized he couldn't have been more than 15, making him a couple years older than her. She watched as he grabbed his board and headed towards a colorful shack. The shack was selling other surfboards, and she watched him lean the board against the house before going inside. It seems he works there, maybe that would give Leah the opportunity to actually talk to him, but that wouldn't be today. Her anxiety is too high for that, no she's going to return to her aunt’s house. It will be dinner time soon anyways and Aunt Bailey has been a stickler about family dinner since they've been around. She would ask Aunt Bailey about the shack she saw out on the beach. Her aunt would inform her that it was run by a bunch of high school kids during the summers. They sell surfboards and even offer surfing lessons, but Leah wasn't sure how she was going to use any of that to take to the boy she saw.
Her father, however, seemed to have an idea, “Would you be interested in learning to surf Leah? We could sign you up for some lessons.”
The idea terrified Leah but it would be a good chance to talk to the boy with brown hair. She hurriedly agreed and the next day her father would walk her to the beach and handle all the talking when it came to the teenagers behind the counter. Leah couldn't see the boy she had become infatuated with; it seems he wasn't around today. She was disappointed as her father signed her up for surfing lessons. She didn't even get the chance to ask the boy's name as she was informed her first lesson would be the very next day. Although it didn’t turn out how she wanted this might be a good chance for her to bring back something she can do that her friends can't. Yeah, maybe she won’t have to tell her friends she spent the whole time she was gone wishing she was with them instead. When she showed up for her one-on-one session the next day, she was caught off guard when the boy with gray eyes was the one to meet her.
“Hey, my name's Brandon P., Brandon S. told me you'd only be here for another week maybe which means we gotta get as much done in that amount time. I don't have any other clients right now so whenever you got time I got time.” Brandon smiled at Leah.
She couldn't help but notice the sparkle in his smile, she felt her stomach flutter as he handed her a board from my shop for her to use. “Now come on, we're gonna start with some basic stuff we'll work our way from there.”
Leah somehow lost the ability to talk the whole day, she just listened to Brandon's instructions, trying her best to stay on the board but let's face it Leah was a disaster. Brandon kept helping her every step of the way and the fluttering in her stomach didn't stop even as they increase their lessons in both days and time. Leah could barely say 2 words to him the first day. Brandon didn't seem to mind though he spoke plenty enough for both of them. Over the next couple of lessons Leah managed to speak more, mostly about her friends, or her favorite books. She even managed to ask him to take a photo of her with her surfboard that she quickly sent to her friends.
Its during their final lesson that she speaks up again, “Thank you for all of this.” Leah said after she had fallen off her board again and managed to climb back onto it. They both just sat on their boards as the water started to push them to the shore, “I know I'm not the greatest but thank you for taking the time to try and teach me.”
“Of course, that's what we do here and don't sweat it Leah, I'm sure you can get more practice once you go home.”
“Yeah, I don't think there's a lot of places to surf in Montana.”
“Montana huh? That's pretty far, is that why you're only here for two weeks?”
“Yeah, we're visiting my aunt, tomorrow's our last day.”
“Well, you should come by the shop tomorrow then, you gotta say a proper goodbye to me and the other guys.”
“Um, sure.” Leah said as they headed back towards the beach.
“Alright, well then, I'll see you tomorrow. I'll take the board back for you.” Brandon said as he grabbed the board from the edge of the water.
Leah smiled as she watched him walk away, first crashes are a weird thing. She knows she'll never see this boy again but that didn't stop her from wanting to talk to him again. She regrets not having better things to talk but Brandon didn't seem to mind. Maybe this trip wasn’t such a bad idea. She did go back the following day to say one final goodbye to Brandon P, Brandon S, and Brandon J, because of course this had to be 3 Brandon's that worked there. Brandon P watched her approach with a smile on his face, “Hey there she is. We got something for you.”
He reached under the counter and pull out a shark tooth necklace “It ain't much kid but you gotta get something to remind you of your little trip to California. Plus, you can Remember me and the boys this way.”
Leah smiled as she grabbed the necklace from Brandon, “Thanks, I hate that I have to leave.” She said reluctantly.
“I get that, this is pretty cool place. If you ever find your way back here feel free to stop by. I'll probably still be working here with these knuckleheads. It'd be great to see you again if you ever make your way out here.”
Leah agreed before heading back to her aunt’s place. Getting on the plane later that day was harder than she anticipated. Saying goodbye to her aunt was a weird feeling, Bailey started out as a virtual stranger but when she hugged Leah, Leah couldn’t help but melt into her hold. Bailey was so welcoming and went out of her way to make Leah feel comfortable in this strange town. She didn't know leaving a place she had only been for two weeks would be so difficult, but it was an experience. She met some cool people, got to experience her first crash, she got some freedom from the silent hell her and her friends were going though over the past five months. After another long plane ride, where Leah managed to keep her anxiety under wraps this time, they finally managed to get home.
Walking into her house and all Leah wanted was to see her friends, but the jet lag was real, and she need to rest for the day. She could see them tomorrow, summer is only half over, there’s plenty of time to hang out, her friends would understand, right? She sent a quick text to their group chat, ever since that first set of texts the chat had been going crazy. Leah hadn't had time to check all the messages, most were from Fatin trying her best to make the rest of their lives miserable, and her constant flirting with Dot and Toni. However, as always, it was quiet from Shelby's end, there was just nothing there, still no trace of her and still no word from her folks.
The whole situation was still so weird to them, but what could they do? A bunch of 13-year-olds, they can barely do their math homework without cheating off each other, all they could do was wait for her to show up. She would show up eventually, right? At least that's what Leah keeps telling herself as she unpacks that night, she would show up eventually, she's got to. She'll show up with some dumb stories about her time at her aunt’s place. Was Shelby’s trip anything like Leah's time away? Was her aunt like Aunt Bailey? Was she warm and fuzzy and welcoming? Did she make Shelby feel safe or was she having a completely different experience?
Maybe, unlike Leah, Shelby knew her aunt, maybe she was off having fun and completely forgot about them. The more she thought about it the more it made sense, they were in a fight when she left, maybe she just doesn't wanna see them anymore. Maybe she went to see her aunt of her free will, maybe she just thought they weren't worth it anymore. Should they change the unthinkable 8 to the unsinkable 7 now? Maybe…but maybe that's premature, they should probably wait until they hear from Shelby again. Whenever that'd be.
Whatever, Leah has got a big day tomorrow and she can't be thinking about all this stuff. She's got to prepare for the questions from Toni and Martha and the sneak attacks from Fatin. Who Leah just knows will be extra clingy. Now lying in her bed at home for the first time in two weeks, Leah felt relaxed. She felt content and she was ready to see her friends.
Waking up around noon the next day Leah went through the list of whose house they would be going to today. Dot’s house was the weekend before Leah left, meaning they went to Martha’s the following week, so they were all heading over to Fatin's place tonight. Leah got dressed as fast as she could, she yelled out to her parents that she was going to Fatin’s before rushing out of the house. Fatin didn't live too far away, just a couple of blocks, Leah walks there all the time. Muscle memory kicked in at this point, walking up to that front door, her heart pounding. She pounds on the front door waiting for Fatin to jump her the minute she opens the door. Leah feels her breath catch as instead of Fatin; she's met with the face of Shelby. The same Shelby who had been missing for five months now. Leah couldn’t form a single word in her head. Leah’s heart stopped, why was Shelby here?
Where had she been? Does Fatin know Shelby is opening her front door? Of course she knows, Leah thought, it's her house. Why, though, was Shelby the one answering the door? Shelby let out a cracked smile before saying “Hey Leah, long time no see.”
Leah couldn’t move she froze, even as Shelby wrapped her in a hug, Leah couldn't move her arms from her side. What was happening, why was this happening right now? What did it all mean? Leah saw Fatin over Shelby shoulder, she was just leaning against the doorway to the living room watching them. Leah knew she was the first one to arrive as it was much earlier than they normally planned. Which gave Leah a sense of relief because they had time to prepare for when the others showed. How were they going to explain any of this to them? To Toni? Why did Fatin even let Shelby in her house? Questions swirled in Leah’s mind even as she lifted her arms to finally hug Shelby back.
Notes:
I'm always open to group chat names...I'm terrible at them lol
Chapter 19: Why am I here?
Summary:
Shelby time away and all she learned
Notes:
This is the longest chapter yet, roughly 7000 words...I wasn't planning on that...I kind of project onto Shelby a lot, sorry. This was supposed to be posted hours ago but ran out of time before work lol
Trigger warning: Conversion therapy, mention of abuse, self harm, and suicidal tendencies
Chapter Text
Silance. Shelby didn’t know what she was supposed to say as Mrs. Missy left the cabin, saying something about having a meeting with Father Matthew and telling Elisabeth to finish the introductions. Shelby set her bag down on her assigned bed before looking around the cabin. There were five other beds, meaning besides her four roommates there was the potential for another person to join them at some point. There was a nightstand next to each bed with curtains dividing around each bed area. With everyone being on different courses they could leave at any point and be replaced by another ‘sinner’. Shelby sat down on her bed wondering how she had arrived here. She stared down at her hands in confusion until a hand entered her vision. Shelby looked up to see a girl a couple of years older than her, holding her hand out for Shelby to shake.
“Hello, I’m Elisabeth, I’m 17 and on the path to clear my sin of premarital sex.”
Shelby grabbed her hand in a loss grip before shaking it, “I’m sorry?”
Elisabeth dropped Shelby’s hand before crossing her hands behind her back, straightened her spine, and saying, “As part of our courses, we must introduce ourselves based on our sins. It’s a way of making sure we keep each other in check. We know what sin each other is fighting so that we can make sure no one falls off the correct path. As the longest residing resident, it’s my responsibility to make sure you are aware of and follow the rules when Mrs. Missy isn’t around. Now its time for your introduction, just say your name, age, and admit your sin.”
“Oh, uh, I’m Shelby Goodkind, I’m 13, and I don’t really know what sin my father believes I am committing.”
Shelby looked behind Elisabeth when she heard one of the other girls let out a laugh. She saw a girl with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes, watching them. She has bandages across her left forearm. Seeing Shelby watching her, the girl stood up straighter before walking up next to Elisabeth.
“Everyone says that when they first come here, but Mrs. Missy will find out from your parents and start planning your course. I’m Abby Valler, I’m 16, and on the path to clear my sin of self-harm.” Abby looked behind her to the final girl in the room, “Becca? Come say hello.” Shelby watched the final girl with blue eyes and freckles lift her head to look over. Her curly brown hair covering half of her face. Shelby couldn’t figure out what about this girl made her unnerved but there was a sadness within the other girl. She didn’t share the enthusiasm the other two seemed to possess.
Without moving from her spot Becca spoke up, “I’m Becca Gilroy, I turned 14 two months ago, and my sin is suicidal tendencies, at least that’s what Mrs. Missy calls it.”
“We have another roommate; she’ll be back soon. You should finish unpacking; Abby and I have a group study soon so we must leave but Mrs. Missy will be back soon.”
Shelby watched Abby and Elizabeth walk out the door and down the stairs before turning back to Becca. She noticed Becca had adjusted herself to lean against her bed frame and was writing in her journal. Shelby stood up and pulled her clothes out of her bag and placed them in the nightstand drawer next to her bed.
She took off her jacket and hung it on the bed post of her bed. Shelby’s dad told her she wouldn’t be allowed to have anything in her position during her stay, she felt isolated having nothing to her name currently. Shelby decided to start a conversation to hopeful fill the awkward silence, “How long have you been here?” Shelby asked Becca.
“Three months.”
“How long do you have to stay here?”
“I don’t know, until I complete the course, your stay depends on how well you work the course they assign you, and I don’t really work it.”
“Why not? Don’t you want to go home?” Becca stopped writing at that moment, for the first time meeting Shelby’s eyes.
“No, I don’t.”
The conversation seemed to end there, and the silence continued for the next twenty minutes. Until the door opened again as another girl that Shelby had not seen before walked in followed by Mrs. Missy. The new girl has bright red hair and brown eyes that lit up at the sight of Shelby.
“Hello there,” the girl walked up to where Shelby was standing, “it’s so nice to meet you, I’m Sandy Dunn, I’m 16, and I struggle with same-sex attraction.”
“Oh, um, ok, I’m Shelby.”
“According to Father Matthew, Shelby, you two will be following similar course schedules.” Mrs. Missy informed the girls.
“What…what do you mean Mrs. Missy?”
“According to your father you’re here to cure the sin of same-sex attraction just like Sandy. Sandy is almost done with her courses though, and we are extremely proud of her. We are hoping you will follow her example; your parents want you home as soon as possible.”
“Right.” Shelby said as she tried to ignore the feeling of Becca watching them.
“Good, well Father Matthew created your schedule,” Mrs. Missy said as she handed a folder to Shelby, “you are to follow your schedule every day. The more you work the courses the more privileges and freedoms you will receive. Inside the folder you will find your weekly schedule, both for your course and your schoolwork since you will be finishing seventh grade here, along with a list of steps you must complete, and a journal to mark your views on the process. I will walk you through your first couple days here but then you will be expected to follow your course, not doing so will result in consequences.”
“Consequences?”
“Do not worry about those right now, they will only effect you if you don’t follow to courses. Now come along your first bible study starts in ten minutes.”
Shelby walked past Sandy as she followed Mrs. Missy outside before turning to look back into the room. She could see Becca still staring at her, Becca shot her a small smile and wave before the door shut behind Shelby.
It’s been a week of her own private hell when Shelby finally got to hold a real conversation with Becca…and it started over a drawing. Becca and Shelby were the only ones in the cabin. Abby having a bible study while Sandy got in trouble and had to deal with some ‘consequences’. Elizabeth, however, was ‘cured’ three days after Shelby arrived and was allowed to go home.
Shelby honestly forgot the drawing was in her jacket pocket, not wearing it since she arrived. So, when she moved her jacket, she wasn’t prepared for the paper to fall out. The paper fluttered over to Becca’s bed as she was getting ready for her class work of the day. Becca bent down to pick it up before unfolding the paper.
“What’s this? Do you draw?” Becca stared down at the drawing of a group of kids on a playground. Shelby reached out for the drawing as Becca held it out to her.
“Oh, uh, no, my friend does, I guess she’s my ex-friend, but she drew it for me when we were young.”
“Well, it’s a nice drawing, do you miss them?” Becca asked as she sat back down on her bed.
“We weren’t really talking before I got sent here.”
“What happened?”
“I said some things I probably shouldn’t have to them. What about you? Why don’t you want to go home.”
Becca got quiet for a moment, “My family isn’t exactly stable, my mom is alright, but my stepdad is a douche.”
“Do you have any siblings?”
Becca got quiet again before standing up, “I’m going to be late for class.” She walked past Shelby without another word.
They wouldn’t speak for another two weeks, just awkward glances and slight greetings. Within this time, they would gain another two roommates with Abby taking over as the leader of the cabin when Mrs. Missy was away. Shelby didn’t care about any of the girls staying in the cabin, she honestly couldn’t say what their names are. Except for Becca, Shelby couldn’t tell you why she so badly wanted to talk to Becca, she just felt like she was the only one who would be able to help Shelby though this nightmare.
Shelby has been following the coursework and was finally allotted some free time throughout the day. It was during this free time that she was wandering around the grounds and found Becca sitting against a tree on the outskirts of the camp.
“I don’t think we are supposed to be this far out.”
Becca looked up from where she was inspecting the bruise on her arm, “This is actually the base line anything past this they would hunt us down.”
Shelby looked at Becca’s arm, at the blue and yellow spots, Shelby let out a whistle, “That’s an intense bruise, what happened?” Shelby asked as she sat down next to Becca.
Becca looked back down at her arm before meeting Shelby’s eyes and shrugged, “Consequences,” Becca let out a humorless laugh, “the more severe the disobedience the more severe the punishment.”
“Wait, they actually hurt you? Who? Mrs. Missy? Father Matthew?”
“No, they would never get their hands dirty, the head of discipline is Mr. Waller. He’s a dick, I got this when he grabbed me to hard, I also have a bruise on my side from him shoving me into the silent room. Apparently saying I’m going to walk in front of a car isn’t a funny joke.”
“What? That not ok, we have to tell our parents or some adult, this place isn’t right.”
Becca laughed, “You really believe our parents don’t know? This place had been around for years now, they ‘fixed’ many people over the years. You think none of them came back with scars? I bet it’s in all those papers they make our parents sign, saying this is what’s best for us and any scars or bruises are just the devil living us. At least that Mr. Waller always says to me.”
“No, no way my parents would agree to that.”
“Even if it will cure your ‘same-sex attraction’?”
That caused Shelby to pause, would her dad really allow them to hurt her if it was disguised as helping? Was being here actually helping? Or was all of this a façade? Was there an actual way to get rid of their sins? Or was this just what was meant to happen?
“I don’t know if I even want that, does this even work?”
“Who knows, but I’ll stay here as long as I can.”
“You never did say why you don’t want to go home, I mean I though that was the whole point?”
“Why do you want to go home? Miss your parents?” Becca asked, ignoring Shelby’s questions.
Shelby though about that for a moment before responding, “I miss my friends, I want to apologize to them, I want to understand how they can be happy the way they are.”
“Are they sinners to?” Becca chuckled.
“My daddy would say so.”
“Mmhh, yet you still want to spend time with them even though your parents won’t like it…why?”
Shelby pulled the drawing out of her jacket pocket before unfolding and handing it to Becca. She stared down at the drawing in her hands, getting a better look then she did before. There were eight kids on a school playground just enjoying their day.
“I’ve known them since I was five, they stuck by me though everything. Nora drew me this when I was really low. Fatin makes me laugh, Martha is the sweetest girl alive, Rachel has more determination then anyone I know. Dottie is more protective then any adult I’ve ever met, Leah is so smart and gives the best book recommendations. Toni…Toni makes me feel like everything will be ok, she’s invincible, if I had just a bit of her courage I probably wouldn’t be here.”
“They sound nice, I get why you would want to get back to them.”
“You really don’t have anyone you miss at home?”
“No,” Becca leaned her head back against the tree, “my life away from here isn’t any better, I’ve been in this situation before, my mom sent me to a psyche ward about ten months ago, after my first attempt. I was there for four months, two months after that I attempted again, then my stepdad found this place. This place is better than that house, honestly.”
“Why were you doing that?” Becca turned away from Shelby as she debated going deeper into the topic, “Do you have any siblings?”
“A younger sister and a younger brother.”
“Do you get along?”
“They're six and three so I guess we do.”
Becca let a small smile appear, “I always wanted a sibling, my parents were planning on having a catholic household, you know. Having a big family, lots of kids, but my dad got sick when I was a year old, cancer, all of our money and resources went to him, but it wasn’t enough. He fought until I was eight when it all became to much. I have no memories of him that weren’t in a hospital room. After he died, my mom got depressed, she lost her job, we had no money, no family, my dad has a sister, but her and my mom never got along, so we ended up living in our car for a while. When I was eleven my mom meet my stepdad, Bobby, it was like she had met her savior.
She thanked god every night for bringing him into our lives, they only knew each other for three weeks when we moved into his house. She praised him for everything, he had given us a roof and got us out of our car. He pampered my mom and was nice to me, at the beginning. Then I found out he had a son. He was seventeen at the time and spent his time between his mom’s and dad’s places. He was sweet, and nice to me, even as his dad started to be an ass over time Brian wasn’t like him. He looked out for me and when I was thirteen, I developed a crush on him, he was nineteen at the time. I guess he started to notice because he got friendlier and hung around a lot more. Things escalated until we had sex, afterward I felt sick, it was beyond wrong. Thinking back on it now, I don’t think I wanted to do it, I believe he had pressured me into saying yes.
I went to my mom and Bobby; they didn’t believe me, and they asked Brian who claimed I was lying. That’s when I knew things would get worst. Bobby started to say such nasty things to me about the sins of lying, premarital sex, and promiscuity at a young age. A few months later was my first attempt. My mom refused to leave Bobby and Brian still shows up sometimes, so I don’t like being home at all. I get scared.”
“I don't know what to say Becca, I’m sorry.”
Becca shrugged “Its whatever, I’m working though it I guess, I just have to make it to my 18 birthday and then I never have to see them again.”
“So, you are just going to stay here as long as you can?”
“It’s not hard when one joke can put me back five steps in Father Matthew’s eyes. I don’t think this works anyways. I’m just killing time at this point. What about you? You think all of this actually works the way they say?”
“I don’t know, I just don’t want to end up alone.”
“What do you mean?”
“Its like my daddy says, people that suffer from same-sex attraction always end up alone with no one by their side.”
Becca snorted, “That’s not true.”
“What do you mean?”
“My cousin on my dad’s side came out a few years ago, my mom hasn’t spoken to my aunt since my dad died, but she never stopped me from talking to them. My cousin, Eli, he came out as a gay trans man. Course I didn’t know what that meant when he told me but after some conversions with him and his mom, I understand a lot more about it. He’s not alone, far from it, he’s got his mom and siblings. He’s dating this really cute boy named Neil, they are talking about getting a place together. His life is so full of happiness and love, I don’t believe he’s a sinner. He has the kindest soul, and I can’t wait to actually meet him one day.” Becca looked down at the drawing she was still clutching, “Do you think you would lose your family if you were gay?”
“Yes, I know I would.”
“What about your friends?” Becca held the drawing back out to Shelby.
Shelby grabbed the drawing and looked down at it, “No, I don’t think I would, Toni says she’s a lesbian and Fatin said she’s Pan? I think. They all seem ok with it, but I just don’t understand how it doesn’t bother them.”
“Why should it?” They were interrupted by another voice. They both leaned around the tree to see a girl emerging from the forest. It was Sandy, covered in dirt and grim with twigs in her hair. She pulled one out as she walked in front of the girls. She flicked the twig in Becca’s direction before sitting in front of them.
“Sandy,” Shelby felt her breath catch, “how long have you been listening?”
“I had just walked up while you were going through your little identity crises.”
“I don’t know what your talking about, I know exactly who I am.”
“I’m not the one you need to convince kid.”
“What were you doing back there anyway weren’t you supposed to be getting your consequences?”
“Oh, that was my punishment, spending the night in the woods and finding my way back the next morning. Took me longer then expected honestly.”
“That’s insane, what did you even do.” Becca asked as she leaned back again.
“Oh, I would occasionally meet up with a girl from cabin 2, I guess someone noticed because she was cornered by Father Matthew and a couple of other ‘counselors’. They started asking questions and I guess she cracked. Blamed the whole thing on me, said I was trying to corrupt her but whatever. A day in the woods and ten back steps in my program seems like a fair trade.” Sandy laughed.
“You willingly sinned?”
“Huh? Shelby, you and I are not sinners, neither is Becca. This who place is a joke. It’s designed to break people and keep them from being put back together. Being a human isn’t a sin, we make mistakes, we learn, we grow, we persevere. The way I feel, the way you feel, there’s nothing wrong with it.”
“The bible says its wrong, that we are going to hell.”
“Oh, that, have you read the original text? The words gay and homosexual never actually appear. It was a mistranslation from the 60’s. There is nothing in the bible saying we are sinners.”
“That can’t be true, my daddy would ha…”
“To be honest kid, I saw your dad when he first came in, he would be the type to be homophobic without a book to hid behind. You said you have some gays friends, right?”
“We haven’t talked in a while because of the way I reacted when they told me.”
“I get that, internalized homophobia is a bitch.”
“Internalized?”
“Ya, its when a gay person has a problem with themselves and other gay people for being gay. I had that for a while, I was just like you, until I realized I was so tired of hating myself. Let me ask you, have your friends been different since they came out to you?”
“No, not really.”
“Well then what’s the problem? If they are the same people you’ve loved for most of their lives, then why is this one thing the part that’s going to change everything? Why is this the thing you are willing to lose everyone to? If you spend your whole life worrying about what other people think, about what your parents think, you will never truly be happy. If you can’t get yourself to step back and take what’s in front of you, if you can’t do what will make you happy, then how are you going to live your life?”
“How would I know that being gay would make me happy? My daddy basically said I won’t have a family anymore.”
“My dad said the same thing when I told him I didn’t want to change, that I liked who I was.”
“How did you handle it?”
“Honestly? I just kept thinking to myself, if he could look me in the eyes and say something out of my control would be the thing that destroyed our relationship, then so be it.”
“If it was that simple, why are you here?”
“I’m just killing time until I turn 18, my dad sent me here as his last attempt to ‘fix’ me. But I don’t really care about going home, I’m not actively avoiding it as Becca, but I don’t really mind bidding my time here.”
“I get why you two would want to stay here but I don’t, I want to go home. I want to see my family but I’m not sure I can let go of this part of me.”
“Well then all you have to do is work the system.” Becca said.
“What do you mean by that?” Shelby asked.
Sandy sent Shelby a smile before saying, “Make them believe your cured, follow your courses, do the work, both school and course. Follow every instruction, every step, let them think you want to be fixed. That’s how you get out of here, you got this.”
Shelby’s been here for five months, she is so ready to go home, to see her parents and siblings again but she’s spent so many hours just staring at the drawing Nora made. Was she doing the right thing? What about her religion? What about god? Was he going to doom her to a life of loneliness if she followed the advice of Becca and Abby? She couldn’t bear to end up alone after everything she has been though over the past five months. She was currently standing in front of the main building waiting for her dad to pick her up. Father Matthew and Mrs. Missy had decided she was ‘cured’ a week ago and called her parents to arrange a pickup day.
Shelby was going home, and as she watched her dad’s jeep pull up in front of her, her heart started racing again. She watched him step out of the car; his hair was a little longer, but his scowl stayed the same.
“Hello angel.” He said with a plastered-on smile, he patted her head as he walked past her to shake Father Matthew’s hand. “Everything worked out alright?”
“Of course, my son, your daughter is cured from her dastardly sins and is free to go home after you sign the release forms.”
“I can never thank you enough Father.” Dave said as he exhaled. After the forms are signed Dave grabbed Shelby’s bag and gestured her to enter the car.
Shelby entered the passenger seat as her father got behind the wheel and started to drive away. Shelby looked out the window at the camp that hurt her and caused her so much trouble over the last couple of months. She was excited to leave until she saw Becca and Abby standing by their cabin waving at her. Shelby placed her hand on the glass window as they drove off the grounds. Maybe Rising Hope actually gave Shelby something. It allowed her to meet two amazing people that might have just saved her from herself.
Walking into her home after so long felt like a dream and when Melody and Spencer ran to hug her, she decided she never wanted to wake up. Jobeth hugged Shelby gently before backing up and placing her hand on Shelby’s cheek, “How do you feel honey.”
Shelby threw on her pageant smile before saying, “Much better, thank you for sending me there but I’m really tired mamma.”
“Alright, dear, why don’t you head up to take a nap, I’ll come get you for dinner and you can tell us all about your stay at camp rising ok?”
“Sure mamma.” Shelby said as she headed to the stairs.
“Hey Shelby, don’t forget your phone. It’s on the kitchen table.”
“Right.” Shelby grabbed her phone before trudging up the stairs while unlocking her phone. She didn’t know what to expect but it sure wasn’t a notification saying she had 842 missed text messages from a group chat she doesn’t even remember joining. Upon opening the Unsinkable 8 group chat she was flooded with messages by random names she doesn’t recognize. After reading a few messages she was able to piece together who was behind each screen name. Shelby could feel her heart beating, just knowing they added her to the group even with no idea when they would see her again. She then felt her heart drop every time she saw a message asking about her. Even after everything she did and said they still worried about her. Shelby was so mentally exhausted, she really needed to sleep.
After three days of being home Shelby was getting restless, she needed to find her friends, she needed to make everything ok…but how? What could she possible say to any of them to fix this mess she created? What could she say to Fatin? To Toni? She decided the best course of action was to just say what was on her mind, she should probably talk to Fatin first, she was the one to first notice and actually call her out on her homophobia. Her parents were hesitant to let her see the group again but after some convincing, they agreed that the best thing for Shelby was to get back to normal life.
That’s how Shelby found herself standing in front of the Jadmani’s door one hot Saturday morning. She lifted and dropped her hand six times before getting sick of herself. “Come on just do it.” Shelby lifted her hand one more time and succeed at knocking on the door this time. Shelby waited with battered breath until the door opened to Rana standing in the doorway.
“Hello, Mrs. Jadmani. Is Fatin here?” Rana looked Shelby up and down before turning back into the house, “Fatin! You have a guest!”
Shelby hesitated before walking into the house, she could see Ahmad and Kemar playing in the living room, she smiled and waved at them when they looked over at her. She could see slight recognition on the boys faces as Ahmad waved back.
“Shelby?”
Her attention was drawn back to the stairs when she heard her name. “Fatin…hey.”
Fatin stared at Shelby from halfway down the stairs, “Five months and all you have to say is ‘hey’? Where the hell have you been?”
“It’s a long story that I don’t really want to talk about.”
Fatin looked into the living room where her brothers and mother were, her father at work, she looked back at Shelby. “Well, we got all the time in the world, lets go to my room.”
They trudged up the stairs and into Fatin’s room, upon entering the room Shelby had not seen in months, Shelby looked around. While not much had changed she couldn’t help but walk along the walls looking at everything. Fatin’s vanity dresser standing taller than Shelby remembers. The frame of the mirror covered in photos from when they were young
A group photo from their trip to the zoo in third grade
Fatin’s first concert of middle school
Fatin and Leah sleeping on a couch during one of their movie nights
Fatin playing outside with her little brothers
The group standing with Martha after one of her Dance recitals
Then came photos from the past few months.
Leah holding a surfboard in California
The group playing on Martha’s farm during her 13th birthday party
Toni standing in the middle of what looks like a skatepark, skateboard behind her head, held in place by her hands wrapped around the wheels, watching Rachel skating off in the distances
Martha and Nora standing in line at a movie theater, a ticket stub for the movie ‘Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children’ taped next to it, their first PG13 movie
Shelby had missed so much even before she got sent away. She stared at the photos until she noticed the small indents on the wall further down from the dresser. She ran her fingers across to groves in the wall.
“That was Toni.”
Shelby spun around, almost forgetting that Fatin was in the room.
“What?”
“The day we played truth or dare in my back yard?” Fatin continued as she went to sit on her bed, “She came in her and kept hitting the wall, it took Dot forever to get her to stop.”
“Why would she…?”
“She had been warned people would hate her and me; we just didn’t expect it to come from one of us.”
Shelby didn’t know what to say, how does she explain to one of her best friends that there’s something wrong with her? “Where did you go Shelby?”
Shelby sat down on the chair Fatin had in front of her dresser. “My Dad, he sent me away, he heard about you and Toni, and he was worried about rumors going around about me.”
Fatin let out a humorless laugh, “Does he not know his own daughter? Anyone that listens to you talk knows that you don’t like queer people.”
“I don’t hate you guys, Fatin, I really need you to believe that.”
“That’s what Toni keeps saying, she won’t talk about what happened in the park. Dot said she was acting off after you two talked but she won’t say what actually happened.”
Shelby lifted her feet up onto the chair and wrapped her arms around her legs. “I don’t know what happened we were talking and then…I…I think there’s something wrong with me. What kind of person hurts their best friend the way I did?”
“Did it completely suck to realize someone we cared about had those view? Absofuckinglutely. But does that make you irredeemable? No, if Toni can forgive then that’s enough for me.”
Shelby laughed “Irredeemable? Where did that come from?”
“Nora made flash cards about words we should learn. She’s turned it into a game for game night.” Fatin said with a straight face.
“She didn’t.” Shelby laughed.
“Oh, she did, and like everything else, Toni and Rachel have turned it into a massive competition. I swear those two are going to kill each other someday.” Fatin’s laugh was cut off by pounding on the door.
Fatin stood up from her bed and headed to the window, she looked outside and was surprised to see Leah standing in front of her house. “Leah’s back!”
“She was gone?”
“Ya she’s been in Cali, it’s been so long.” Fatin rushed out of her room before sticking her head back though the door, “Are you coming? You’re the one who has to answer it.”
“I don’t think…”
“Nope none of that.” Fatin walked up to Shelby, grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the room and down the stairs. She gave Shelby a light push to the door and stood back to watch.
Shelby took a deep breath before opening the door to a shocked Leah. “Hey Leah, long time no see.”
Shelby sat on Fatin’s floor just staring into space, they were here, all of them. They were just talking about random things, acting like nothing ever happened. Shelby looked around at them, Nora, Martha, Leah, and Fatin playing uno. Rachel and Toni engaged in an arm-wrestling match on Fatin’s bed. Shelby watched Toni for a minute wondering how she could say such hurtful things to someone so amazing. The moment Toni saw Shelby, she hugged her and refused to let her go for a solid minute. Shelby felt safe for the first time in months. Shelby was dragged out of her thoughts by Dot nudging her. She looked over at Dot who just smiled at her.
“You ever going to tell us about your stay at your aunt’s?”
“Maybe someday, but can we just enjoy today? I really missed you guys.”
“Sure.”
Shelby has been home for six months, with Christmas around the corner, Shelby didn’t really feel like celebrating. Her mind was still a mess, while she wore her cross at home, she started to take it off when she was with her friends and at school. On top of entering eighth grade Shelby was being pushed by her parents, mostly her dad, to focus more on her pageants. After winning her first competition in sixth grade, her dad had started to become unbearable. It was all piling up and with her head still a mess from her time in Rising Hope, Shelby didn’t know what to believe anymore. She couldn’t accept her own identity at the cost of her religion, could she? She needed to talk to someone other then her parents. None of her friends have religious parents, she couldn’t talk to anyone from church, they would just tell her dad.
That’s how Shelby found herself standing outside of Toni’s foster home, hoping to talk to Mrs. Daily. Toni said they were religious, and they accepted her…how did they come to terms with that? Shelby kept thinking as she stood in front of the Daily house trying to calm her racing heart. She raised her hand and rang the doorbell; what was she going to say? She’s only met them once before; Shelby’s not even sure they know her name. Why was she here?
Shelby was pulled out of her thoughts by the door opening to Mr. Levi. Shelby didn’t miss the look of confusion on his face, “Can I help you miss?”
“My name is Shelby; I’m a friend of Toni’s.”
“Oh well Toni’s not here, she went to a friends house, I’m not sure which I can ask my wife?”
“Um, actually I was hoping to talk to you and Mrs. Daily?”
“May I ask what about?”
“It’s kind of personal and I would rather go inside, if that’s ok.”
Mr. Daily opened the door wide as he stepped to the side to let Shelby pass. “Annie?! We have a visitor.”
Annie looked up from where she was reading a book to Bradly in their living room. She smiled when she saw Shelby standing next to her husband. Annie finished reading the last page before Bradly jumped up from her lap to go play with his toys next to Dustin. Annie stood up and walked over to Shelby and Levi, before holding out her hand to Shelby. Shelby reluctantly shook Annie’s hand wondering once again why she was even here. “Welcome Shelby.”
Seeing the surprised look on Shelby’s face Annie laughed “Toni talks about you a lot; it was easy to guess who you were when I saw you. Shall we go to the kitchen to talk? Let the boys play for a while.”
“Would you like something to drink dear? Hot chocolate? Tea?” Levi asked as Shelby and Annie sat at the table.
“Could I just have some water please?”
“Of course.”
After handing a glass of water to Shelby before making tea for himself and his wife, Levi eventually joined them at the table.
“Now dear would you like to tell us what this is all about? Does it have to do with Toni?”
“Not really…maybe? I don’t know. She just told me something that I wanted to talk about, I guess? And I don’t really know who else I could talk to.”
“Ok, lets start from the beginning then.” Levi said.
“How did you find…a middle ground...with god and…Toni being…” Shelby struggled to speak.
“Her being gay?”
Shelby squeezed her eyes shut before nodding her head. Levi looked at Annie with a grim smile before standing up and walking out of the kitchen.
“I’m probably not the best to answer this because I never felt the need to find a middle ground, my family has always been an ally to the LGBTQIA+ community. I’ve had a lot of queer and trans people in my family and friend group, its never been a problem for me. God loves all of us and he put us here to show that same love to each other. He created all of us in his image and that includes people who think differently then us. Who feel and love different that I do.”
Levi walked back into the room with a photo frame in his hands. He sat back down before putting the frame in front of Shelby. She looked at the photo perplexed, it was a young boy no older then seventeen, with bright green eyes and shaggy blond hair.
Levi took a deep breath before saying, “Did Toni tell you I’m a pastor?”
Shelby looked perplexed before shaking her head.
“My parents were so proud when I told them I wanted to follow my father’s footsteps. It was one of the few times my parents where happy. My family was completely different from Annie’s, they hated anything gay or trans or different. They raised their kids to be mini copies of themselves. My parents dragged us to church three days a week, they forced me and my brother,” Levi tapped the picture he set in front of Shelby, “to do anything that could be considered masculine, sports, yard work, building things. They firmly believed in gender roles and anything that contradicted that wasn’t allowed. They were very strict with us and even the though of one of us ending up being gay petrified them. It filled them with so much hate, and they filled me with that hate.”
Levi smiled as he looked at the photo, “My baby brother though, he didn’t let them take away the good parts of him, he loved everyone, he had all kinds of friends, from all different backgrounds. He loved video games, baseball, and was the star of his wrestling team, he was such a happy kid.” Levi’s smile dropped as he continued, “Until I went to college, he was fifteen at the time and he was left alone, just him and our parents in the house. I found out he had taken his own life a couple months into my sophomore year. I went home the day after they told me, and I just sat in his room wondering what had happened, what caused him to leave us like that. What could lead him to a sin like that. As I spent some time just looking around his room, I found the note my parents had missed. My parents were a wreak so I didn’t bring it to them right away, I needed to know what it said first.
“My brother, Dustin, was gay, and he was so terrified of that fact that he claimed he was trading one sin for another when he took his life. I was so angry at him for such a long time, I though if he just told us we could have fixed him, saved him from sin. As I got older though, I started to think about the fact that my parents and I made him hate himself so much that he though suicide was his only way out. That he could never be happy with my parents and I. Maybe he was right though because my parents still won’t accept that their son was gay or let go of their bigotry even when it cost them their other son. I didn’t know that denying who someone is could destroy them so much, that it could destroy a beautiful soul like my brother’s. I never want any family to feel what I did the night I lost my baby brother. I never want my sons or any of the foster kids we bring in, to feel like they can’t be honest with us. My faith, however, never wavered, because I can’t believe in a god that wouldn’t allow a sweet soul like Dustin into heaven.”
“Do you understand what we are saying dear?”
“Ya, I do, thank you.” Shelby said as she started to stand up.
“There's one more thing.” Annie said as she watched Shelby head to the living room, “You will probably learn more things about Toni’s journey over the next few years as she…discovers more about herself, its going to be a lot, but keep in mind. God loves everyone he created, and he made them into who they are meant to be. Toni is going to be exactly who god wants her to be. Even if it seems strange to you or others, and all she will need from you is to respect and love who she is.”
Shelby looked back at Annie and Levi one more time, “I lost h…all of my friends once, I don’t plan on losing them again.” Shelby walked though the living room and out the front door. Pulling to door closed behind her, Shelby looked out at the street covered in snow, it was peaceful out, Shelby took a deep breath and exhaled. For the first time in forever it felt like she could breath.
Chapter Text
The day after new year’s Toni was given the news. Her mom was out of rehab for the sixth time and was fighting for custody. She might have to leave the Daliy’s and that terrified her. She didn’t want to leave; she finally felt a form of peace that could be taken away so quickly. “I’m not going with her!”
Mrs. Lily sighed, “Toni I know this is hard, that we’ve been through this before, but the court has yet to decide if your mother is fit enough to raise you again. Until then we have to go through the hoops just like always. Your supervised visits will start back up again tomorrow. This isn’t a guarantee that you will be living with her again it’s just a couple of court meetings.”
“Listen Toni,” Levi said as he knelt in front of her placing his hands on her upper arms, “no matter what happens over the next few months, we will figure it out together alright? Weather that’s in this home or your mom’s.”
“The first court date is in two weeks, Toni. You mom will once again have to provide a place to live, get a job, and provide a stable life before it can be considered, so you have time. If the placement does go though it won’t be for a couple of months.”
“You hear that Toni? We still have a couple of months together, how about we take a trip to the gym? Let out some steam, hmm?”
“I think that’s a great idea Toni. I will be back after your mother talks to the judge, and we will take it from there alright?” Mrs. Lily said before Levi walked her to the front door. He held the door open for Lily before turning back to Toni, “Come one kiddo, get your shoes on.”
Toni trudged to her room and slipped on her favorite pair of sneakers before following Levi out to his car. After a short drive they arrived outside of Levi’s gym. Exiting the car, Levi opened the door for Toni who immediately went to the punching bags. After Levi fitted the boxing gloves over Toni’s hands he stepped behind the bag to hold it in place. Toni raised her fist like Levi taught her, her right fist flying into the bag, she pulled her arm back again before punching again. Right, left, left, right, left. She kept hitting the bag until she lost her breath. She leaned her forehead against the bag as she caught her breath.
“How do you feel now?”
“My chest hurts.”
“Like in a pain way or the world is heavy way?”
“I don’t want to go back there.”
“I know kiddo,” Levi stepped around the bag and Toni finally looked up at him, “I wish I could make it so your mom is the type of person you deserve to have raise you, but I can’t. The most I can do is make your time with us as comfortable as possible.”
“I hate her.”
“She’s your mom kid, she has her problems, but she only fights because she loves you, what your biggest reason for not wanting to go home.”
“She still treats me like a little girl even though I don’t…” “Don’t what Toni?”
“I don’t…I don’t…it doesn’t matter.” Toni looked away even as Levi called her name again.
“Alright, Toni, no matter what you’re feeling about your mom or…anything else, you can always talk to me and Annie, just keep that in mind alright?”
Toni nodded before Levi walked behind the bag again, “Let’s go again kiddo, I know you got some more steam to blow off.”
Toni was sitting on the steps of Martha’s backyard watching Dot and Rachel kicking around a soccer ball. Martha and Shelby were jumping on the trampoline while Nora and Leah were reading books for their English class. Nora was reading a book called ‘Hatchet’ while Leah was reading ‘The Nature of Her’. Leah spoke to Toni about the author once, but she can’t remember a single thing about him. Toni’s mind was muddled with confusing thoughts until Fatin sat down next to her.
“You going to tell me what’s bothering you or are we going to play twenty questions?”
“There nothing wrong.”
“Sure, and the sky’s green, and I actually enjoy listening to my mom lecture me about my cello practices.”
Toni sighed, “I might have to go back with my mom.”
Fatin let out a low whistle, “Shit man, what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know, I hate her but she’s my mom you know?”
“Ya, I get it.”
“I just, I’ve never enjoyed a home before, but with the Daily’s…I feel ok, safe even, and I don’t want to loss that.”
“Well, if you feel like hitting something again…James is in my math class and has started to hit on me. I think he forgot we still hate him for the thing with Leah.”
Toni let out a laugh, “Seriously Fatin, I’ll be ok.”
“Whatever you say, Shorty, so you going to come play soccer?”
“You hate soccer.”
“Ya well, maybe I want an excuse to hit Rachel with the ball. She called me a bitch yesterday.”
“You convinced Nora to draw Rachel as a zombie.” “
Ya…because I’m hilarious and Rachel would definitely die first in the zombie apocalypse.”
“Only because you would push her.”
“Without a doubt, now come on lets go, lets show them who the better girls are.” Fatin said as she stood up before running up to steal the ball from Dot. Toni sighed before standing up and following Fatin. She was confused about what it meant to be girl, or a boy even, she understood that she liked girls but why doesn’t she like herself? Every time someone calls her a girl she feels her stomach drop; she hates looking in the mirror, and as puberty starts Toni wonders why her brain keeps telling her it was all wrong. Why did people need to label everything anyway? Toni’s tired of labels and trying to fit into society’s boxes.
“It’s ordered by the state on Montana, and this court, that custody of Antonia Shalifoe be awarded back to her mother, Lauren Evans. As of today, February 19th, 2017, Antonia Shalifoe is to be returned to her mother on February 27th, 2017. Court adjourned.” Toni’s heart dropped as the judge banged her gavel. This was happening, she has to leave Annie and Levi, she has to leave her foster brothers…Toni never though it was possible for her to be heartbroken over leaving a foster family, not after leaving Mrs. Jazmine. What was going to happen now? Every time she goes with her mom it ends the same, drugs, strange men, and it barely lasts a year. Toni looked up at Mr. Levi when she felt his arm go around her shoulder, “We got you kid, it’s alright. Let’s go get you packed alright?”
Walking out of the courthouse that day Toni felt so defeated, every year that past her mom just became more of a stranger, how was she supposed to handle living with her again and starting over? Entering the house that had been her home for the last three years for probably the last time was surreal. She walked into her room, kicking her shoes off into the corner. She looked around her room with a blank stare, she didn’t own much outside of her clothes but the few things she had made her feel…normal. Not like the things her mom always fills her room with, nothing but pink girly things that make Toni feel unseen. She sat on her bed wishing her life didn’t have to change…again.
A week later Toni stood in her room at the Daily’s for the last time, a backpack thrown over her shoulder, she inhaled deeply before walking out of the room. She walked up to Annie and Levi standing in the living room, they smiled at her as she walked up to them. Try as she might, Toni couldn’t get herself to smile back, she just stared at them until there was a knock at the door. Annie opened it up to Mrs. Lily standing on the other side.
“Hello, you three, are you ready Toni?”
Toni nodded, “Can I say goodbye?”
“Of course, dear.”
Toni rushed to hug Levi first. He staggered for a second before hugging Toni back, “It’s alright kiddo, this time will be different, you’ll see.” Toni’s never felt safe in an adult’s arms until she met Levi and Annie, she didn’t want to let go. Levi held on until Toni released him, then she turned to hug Annie.
“You are the bravest kid I know, Toni, no matter who you grow up to be, you’re going to do amazing things. Never stop discovering new things about yourself.”
Toni let go an Annie as she let her words sink in, she started to walk to the front door when she felt a smaller body run into hers. Toni looked down as she felt two sets of arms wrap around her waist, Dustin and Bradly, how could Toni forget about them. Toni dropped her bag as she wrapped her arms around the two boys.
“You two better behave, ok?”
Toni felt Dustin nod against her stomach before they let her go. She picked her back up again before walking out of the house and into Mrs. Lily’s car.
Just like every other time she visited her mom, she was standing in the doorway excited for Toni to show up, and just like every other time, Toni trudges out of the car wishing to be anywhere else. She entered the house, barely sparing her mother a glance, and entered her room, dropping her back with a solid thump as she looked around the room.
Toni wasn’t even surprised at the state of her room, but it still made her stomach hurt. So much pink and boyband posters. Nothing that made Toni feel like she belonged, but how do you explain to a virtual stranger that you aren’t what she expected or wanted?
Toni could hear her mom walking up behind her, “So what do you think dear?”
“Whatever.” Toni said as she sat down on her bed.
“I know the past few years have been rough on you, but this time will be different, I promise.”
“Annie says to never make promises you can’t keep.” Toni pulled a notebook out of her backpack to start her homework.
“Toni talk to me; I can’t do anything if I don’t know what you like.”
“I like girls.” Toni said deadpanned.
“Oh ok, that’s not what I expected.”
“Yeah well you weren’t around, so you didn’t get to know.”
“I know but I’m here now.”
“For how long?”
“Toni enough, no matter how you feel about it I’m still your mother and you’re my daughter.”
“I’m not though.”
“Not what?” Lauren said with a heavy sigh.
“Your daughter, I don’t think I’m your son either, I don’t know it all confusing but don’t call me that.”
“Toni don’t be ridiculous you’re my daughter, like it or not now what do you want for dinner? I’m not the greatest cook so we will have to order something.”
Toni ignored her mom until she walked out of her room stomping like a child. Toni never really cared what her bio mom thinks so her argument about gender doesn’t mean anything to Toni, so why did it still sting?
With middle school ending and high school fast approaching the group decided to spend their next Saturday at a carnival an hour away. It took some convincing, but Tim finally agreed to drive the kids for the day. Cramming eight teenagers into Tim’s SUV was a hassle but they managed. Tim watched in the rearview mirror as his little girl messed around with her friends, putting Toni into a headlock when she said something stupid, showing Martha different games on her Gameboy, watching videos that Fatin keeps shoving in her face. Tim’s smile dropped when he felt his chest tighten, he tried to breath though the pain. Seeing a rest stop Tim pulled over, parked as quickly as he could before jumping out the driver’s side door as he started to cough. He started to heave as his coughing persisted. He fell to his knees putting his hand on the ground in front of him.
He heard a door opening behind him but couldn’t look back. “Daddy?”
Dottie, his little girl…she shouldn’t see this. He felt her put a hand on his back. “I’m ok honey,” Tim said as he finally got his breath back, “It’s ok.” He managed to stand back up after a solid minute. He looked down at Dot and smile, “Let’s go.” He waited for her to climb back into the car before joining the kids again. The car ride was quieter after Tim’s…break.
Pulling into the crowded parking lot Tim managed to find a spot close to the front before parking. The kids rushed to get out of the cramped car. Tim stepped out as well before calling out to all the kids.
“Wait up kiddos,” Tim called out before they could get to far away, “stay in pairs at all times alright? Meet by the food court in three hours for dinner and we will go from there, alright?”
The kids quickly paired off and dispersed, all expect for Dot who was just watching her father. “What’s wrong Dottie?”
Dot hesitated before asking, “Are you ok dad?”
“Of course, honey, go have fun with your friends, it looks like Leah and Fatin are waiting for you.”
Dot turned around to see Leah and Fatin, in fact, waiting for her at the entrance to the carnival. She looked back at her dad who shot her a small smile before Dot turned around and ran to her friends.
Toni had never been on a carnival ride before, but she was excited to ride everything. From the spaceship to the twister to the tilt-a-whirl, Toni road them all. She won Martha a stuffed pig at the basketball game and Shelby an inflatable alien at the dart throwing game. She watched Rachel throw baseballs at the target on a dunk tank. The clown had made fun of Nora and watching him get soaked was hilarious. They met Tim for dinner and Toni ate corndogs until she felt sick. They were ending their day at the Ferris wheel, all managing to fit into one carriage. As they reached the top Toni looked out over the town. She looked at her friends as they laughed and smiled.
Toni took a deep breath before grabbing the attention of her friends, “Hey guys? Can I tell you something?”
“What’s up Toni?” Dot asked as she looked over.
“I don’t know how to explain this honestly, when I think about who I am, I don’t think about being a girl.”
“What do you mean?” Fatin asked.
“I don’t think I’m a girl but I’m not a boy either, I don’t know what it means,…I think I’m in between? Maybe?”
“Oh, that’s ok.” Leah replied as she looked back out the window.
“Is it?” Toni asked as she meet Shelby’s eyes for the first time.
Shelby nodded at Toni as she smiled, “It’s ok, Toni.”
Toni was pulled away from the conversation when the Ferris wheel started to move again. They reached the end and rushed out to find Tim on the ground.
After a final head count Tim lead them back to the car and they climbed in before Tim started the long journey home. Toni was watching the world go by though the window when she felt a weight on her shoulder. She looked to see Shelby leaning against her, completely asleep. Toni smiled as she looked back out the window.
Chapter 21: He's all I got
Summary:
Dot's dad gets sicker
Trigger warning: family sickness, hospital visits
Dot's 14, takes place during the summer before highschool
Notes:
Sorry it's taken so long, I recently moved out of state and that's beyond stressful, but I got this chapter done, I'm halfway through the next, and I have a basic idea of how the following chapter is going to go so hopeful updates won't be that far between.
Chapter Text
Dot watched her dad run down the soccer field alongside his team. Even though she no longer plays soccer she still insists on assisting her dad with every team he coaches. She smiled when her dad started to cheer as Jace scored a goal. Martha’s brother had joined the soccer team this year and unlike his sister, Jace loves soccer. Martha and Mrs. Blackburn come to watch every game. Dot’s happy that it gives her someone to talk to. They were currently discussing starting high school in a few weeks when they heard a scream. Dot turned around and her heart stopped. Her father was lying on the ground, unresponsive.
“Daddy?” Dot couldn’t move; her feet rooted to the ground as she watched people crowd her father. Dot felt a hand on the base of her back, she couldn’t tell if it was Martha or Mrs. Blackburn, but that was just what Dot needed to get her feet moving. She rushed forward, crossing the field in record time, she stopped right next to her dad. People were moving out of her way when they noticed her running. Dot knelt next to her father’s still unmoving body.
“Daddy!” Dot’s voice started to waver as she reached out to him. “Daddy wake up!” Dot put her hands on his back and shook him, still no response. Dot felt the hands of strangers pulling her away from her dad.
“Don’t touch him kid you could make it worse.” Dot felt like she recognized the voice, but she couldn’t tell who it was, probably one of the soccer dads she had talked to once or twice before. Dot thinks she hears someone yell about calling 911 but she could be wrong. She felt the hands on her shoulders but all she could focus on was her dad, his chest was still moving up and down, he was still breathing. Her feet only moved when the hands on her shoulders guided her backwards to make room for the paramedics that had arrived. She watched the paramedics checking on her father before loading him onto a stretcher and rushing him to the ambulance.
Her mind was racing and blank at the same time. What just happened? Why did it happen? He was fine that morning, he had felt fine all day…at least that’s what he told Dot. Did he lie to her? Or was this random? Where would she go if she lost her dad? Dot was pulled out of her thoughts when she felt someone grab her hand. She looked over to see Martha standing next to her, gripping her hand, giving her a ghost of a smile. Dot squeezed Martha’s hand before turning back to where the ambulance was driving away.
“Dot? Come with us dear, we’ll follow them to the hospital, alright?”
Dot completely forgot about the adults standing around her until she hears Mrs. Blackburn’s voice. She watched Jace and Bernice walking off the field, Baylee on Bernice’s hip. Dot’s feet were still rooted to the ground until she felt Martha tug on her hand as she started to follow her mother and siblings.
Dot lifted her left leg before she felt her legs buckle. Her knees gave out before she could even take one step. Her knees slammed on the ground, and she stared at the blades of grass underneath her. Martha kept trying to talk to her, but her voice was gravel to Dot. All she could see in her mind was her father lying on the same grass, unmoving. She didn’t notice she started to cry until she watched the tear drops fall to the ground. She watched the tears drop wondering…when was the last time she cried? Was it the last time she asked about her mom? Or maybe when Toni started to cry and yell about being taken away from the Daily family? Or when Nora had a meltdown last week? Or maybe the last time she got sick? No…No…Dorathy Campbell doesn’t cry. She angrily wiped the tears from her face and stood up so fast she started to wobble. She regains her footing before allowing Martha to drag her down the field to her family’s car. After Martha and Dot climbed into the car, Mrs. Blackburn started to drive away.
The drive was quiet as Dot looked out the window, her knee wouldn’t stop bouncing, her phone was chiming repeatedly as the group chat was blowing up. Dot figured Martha had told them what happened, but she couldn’t focus on that right now, her only focus is her dad, lying in a hospital room, all alone. Pulling into the hospital parking lot, Dot didn’t wait for Bernice to full stop the car before she opened the door and jumped out. She rushed through the front doors and ran straight into a nurse.
“Oh, hello, what’s happening?” The nurse asked as she looked down at Dot who had fallen back onto the ground.
“My…my…daddy…he…” Dot tried to say though broken breaths.
“Where is your father kid?” The nurse knelt in front of her.
“I don’t…I don’t…” They were cut off by the Blackburn family walking though the doors right behind Dot.
“Her dad was rushed here after he collapsed.” Bernice as she handed Baylee to Martha.
“Alright,” the nurse stood up and walked behind the reception desk and logged onto the computer, “what’s his name?”
“Timothy Campbell.” Bernice said as she walked up to the desk as well.
“Ok, it looks like he is currently being checked over you all will have to wait a while, you can wait in the waiting room if you would like.”
“Right, thank you.” Bernice said as she guided the children into the nearby waiting room. She took Baylee from Martha before placing her in front of the activity table that was set up in the corner. Jace joined her after a few minutes, Martha and Bernice sitting down on the uncomfortable chairs while Dot started pacing back and forth.
“Dorathy please sit down dear.”
Dot couldn’t seem to hear the words that Bernice said to her. Her mind is still racing about her father. They waited there for hours, Russell arriving at one point to pick up Jace and Baylee leaving Dot alone with Mrs. Blackburn and Martha. Martha had fallen asleep on her mother’s shoulder. Dot looked at her friend and wished she could be that close to her father right now.
When the doors opened for the fifth time, Dot met the eyes of the doctor who was treating her father.
“Mr. Campbell?”
“That’s my dad.” Dot said as she walked up to the Doctor.
“Is your mom here? I’ll need to talk to an adult.”
“No…my mom died when I was born…but…” Dot turned back to Bernice, “Mrs. Blackburn?”
Bernice slowly lifted Martha’s head of her should before laying her down on the seats. “Of course, dear,” she walked up to the doctor, “I’m a family friend, what’s happening with Tim?”
“He’s awake now and you will be able to see him soon, but I will have to discuss his options with him at a point before he leaves as his condition is getting worst.”
“His…condition? What’s wrong with him? Why did he collapse?”
“Unfortunately, he asked that we not mention it to anyone, but I can tell you it is very serious, he will have to stay for a couple days, would his daughter be staying with you or would you like us to get in touch with CPS to arrange temporary custody?”
Dot’s heart dropped, she never considered that they might send her somewhere else until her dad got better, what was she going to do?
“No that’s quite alright, Dot will stay with us until her father gets released.”
“Do you have any other questions?”
“Yes actually, what is the likelihood th…”
Dot started to lose focus again, her ears feeling like they were full of cotton, her mouth went dry, and she started to feel dizzy. Dad, sick. Hospital, dad. Words she never thought she would hear at the same time. Words that shouldn’t be together…ever. She tried to focus on the words the Doctor was saying but it all became a gargled noise to her. Her eyes traveled to one of the many diagrams on the walls. She started to count the bones on the skeleton diagram. She got to 56 before she could hear Mrs. Blackburn’s voice again.
“Dorathy? Honey, its time to go, we’ll come back when your dad wakes up ok?”
Dot nodded as she felt Martha grab her hand again and pull her towards the doors. Dot looked back down at the hall of rooms as she got dragged. She wondered what room belonged to her dad, when would she be able to see him again?
That night, lying on the floor of Martha’s bedroom Dot couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t Baylee crying in the next room while Russell tried to calm her down or the horse shaped nightlight Martha insists on keeping on all night. She was worried she would start dreaming. Most nights she dreams about the person her mom would have been, the things they would do together, what it would be like to have what all her friends do. She knows Toni would probably understand but it’s different with them. Their mom is still alive, just not…able. Now though she’s not afraid of these dreams, she’s afraid she will dream about her father and the things they might never do again. She worries if she closes her eyes then it will all become real. It would take another two hours for Dot’s body to finally give in, her eyes shut and for the first time in forever, Dot didn’t dream that night.
On day three of staying at the Blackburn’s they were huddled around the breakfast table when Bernice’s phone rang. Reaching into her pocket, Bernice didn’t recognize the number and decided to let it go to voicemail, laying her phone down on the table as she went back to feeding Baylee. Bernice would finally answer the third time the same number called.
“Hello?...Yes this is her…Yes…Yes…” Bernice looked over at Dot who locked up to make eye contact for the first time, “Yes, of course…we will be right down…Thank you.” Bernice hung up the phone, never braking eye contact with Dot. “Dorathy, your father, he’s awake, would you like to go see him now or after breakfast?”
Instead of answering Dot pushed her chair back and rushed to Martha’s room to get her shoes. Walking back into the dining room, Dot saw Mrs. Blackburn already standing at the front door waiting while Russell took over breakfast duty. Following Mrs. Blackburn out to her car to see her father felt so surreal for Dot. These past three days were a blur and Dot thought they would be receiving a different phone call. The whole ride was nerve racking, what if the doctors were wrong and her dad wasn’t, ok? What would she do then? Dot didn’t have time to think about that outcome for long as they finally pulled up to the hospital. Dot stepped out and rushed though the sliding doors and straight into the same nurse for the day her dad was admitted.
“We most stop meeting like this kiddo.” The nurse laughed as Dot took a step back.
“They said my dad’s awake?”
“He is would you like me to walk you back?” Dot looked back at Mrs. Blackburn as she walked though to doors, “Go ahead Dorathy, I’ll wait out here.”
Dot nodded before following the nurse to her dad’s room. Room 232 smelt like chemicals and tap water, there was load beeping from the machines, and in the center of it all, was her dad. Sitting up eating Jello, tubes coming out of his arms, acting like nothing happened.
“Daddy?” Dot asked, afraid to walk any further into the room. Tim looked up at his daughter and smiled.
“Dottie!” He put down his breakfast and pushed the table away. He held out his arms, “Come here honey, give your old man a hug.” Dot rushed forward and jumped onto his bed grabbing him in a tight hug. “Careful honey, daddy’s still a little sore.”
Dot pulled back and sat next to her dad, “Dad, what happened?”
Tim signed heavily, “Your old man is sick Dottie, I have been for a while now.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” “I didn’t want to worry you, the doctors though we had it under control, I was hoping that I would get better and we could talk about it when you were an adult but that seems unlikely now.”
“What does that mean?”
“I have stage four lung cancer, Dottie. The doctors can give me medicine to fight it but there’s no getting rid of it. I’m dying Dottie.”
“No! No! You’re lying! Why would you lie like that?”
“I wish I was honey but it’s the truth, they said if we’re lucky I can make it to your `18th birthday, and I don’t know about you love, but I’m feeling very lucky.”
Dot couldn’t catch her breath as she started to cry, “I don’t want to lose you!” She cried as she grabbed onto the front of her dad’s gown.
Tim wrapped his arms around her the best he could before saying, “Hey now, we still have so much time together, let’s not worry about anything else but enjoying what we have right now. I love you, Dottie.”
Dot couldn’t get the words out to say it back as she kept crying throughout the day. Dot stayed by her dad’s side until visiting time was over. She reluctantly left the room only turning back to whisper an ‘I love you’ to her father. She walked into the waiting room and was surprised to see Beatrice was still there.
“I’m sorry Mrs. Blackburn, I didn’t know you were going to wait.”
“It’s quite alright dear, you needed this time with your father, now let’s head home, you’ll continue to stay with us until your father is released. I’ll bring you back whenever you want, alright?”
“Ok…thank you.”
“Of course, honey, now let’s head home.” Mrs. Blackburn said as she opened the car door for Dot.
Chapter 22: Infatuation is an Ugly Word
Summary:
Leah meets Jeffery
PLS read the chapter note
Notes:
Jeffery Galanis is much creeper in this chapter, Leah's only 14 and he knows it, I promise the worst that happens is a kiss.
I'm once again not sure about how this chapter turned out, it definitely wasn't supposed to be more then 2000 words but here we are.
I don't know why this chapter took so long, probably because it made me uncomfortable to write but it's done now, and I can move on. Hopely the next chapter won't take as long to complete.
Chapter Text
Three months into high school and Leah was already drained, a math test, an English essay, and a fitness test (That she’s going to fail septically) all in one day. Why do teachers like to torture their kids? It’s during Leah’s English class that her day started to finally look up. Her teacher, Mr. Ramirez, made an announcement.
“Students, we have a guest today. I would like you all to meet Jeffrey Galanis.” The class half meagerly clapped as a tall man with brown hair and brown eyes walked through the door holding a book at his side. Leah felt her heart jump; she recognized his name and his book. She read it a while ago and became obsessed, every time her and Nora talked about books, she somehow managed to bring up ‘the Nature of Her’. She loved the book and now she was getting to meet the actual author. “Mr. Galanis is an alumnus from this very high school, and he has agreed to come speak to you all about what it takes to be a professional writer. Mr. Galanis.”
“Thank you, Abe, now I would like to start by saying what an absolute pleasure it is to stand in the same room as some of the worlds next great writer. When I first started writing…” as Jeffery continued talking Leah hung onto every word he spoke. She was infatuated with him and his writing. She wanted to learn how to write just like him.
“Alright I think that’s all that I could share with you for now, I will be at ‘The Eden’ café around six tonight, reading an exsert from my latest novel if any of you would like to stop by, all are welcome.” Jeffery said right before the bell rang. The rest of the day was uneventful for Leah. She sat at lunch watching Toni and Fatin throw French fries at each other when she had an idea.
“Do any of you know where ‘The Eden’ café is?”
“Isn’t it on the corner of First and Park Street?” Martha said as she looked up from her tray.
“Ya, it’s across the street from the hospital.” Dot spoke up.
“Speaking of hospitals how’s your dad doing Dot?” Rachel asked.
“He’s alright, it’s good to finally have him home and to sleep in my own bed, no offence Martha,” Martha just shrugged, “He wants you guys to visit soon but I think he needs to rest more. There’s talk about getting him a full-time nurse, but I keep pushing against it, I can take care of him.”
“You know if you need any help the rest of us will do what we can.” Rachel said.
“I know, I got it though guys, appreciate it.”
“Leah, why were you asking about the café anyway?” Shelby spoke up.
“Oh, I’m just thinking about checking it out at some point this week, no big deal.”
“Sure, whatever you say man, we could go this weekend.” Toni said, finally giving up on throwing things at Fatin. Leah gave a weak nod before the topic was changed again.
Later that day Leah walked the three blocks that it would take to get the ‘The Eden’ Café. Walking inside felt like stepping into a new world. Bookshelves along every wall covered in books and mini statues. Sting lights on the wall and candles on end tables. It felt cozy, like she could spend all day curled on the plush chair in the corner of the café just reading. There near the front was him, Jeffery, sitting at a table with a pile of books just talking to anyone who walks up to him. Leah got jolted out of place when someone walked into her. “Sorry.” The stranger said as she turned back to look at Leah.
Leah just nodded before finding a seat in the center of the café just as Jeffery stood up to speak to the small crowd. “Hello everyone, thank you for coming to the signing of my new book, ‘The day the world stopped’. When I first started writing this book, I kept thinking what if…” Leah hung onto every word he spoke over the next hour.
“Alright, that’s all folks, thanks again for coming out. Mr. Jeffery will be signing copies of his new book in about ten minutes for those that are interested.” One of the employees said, Leah just now noticing it was the stranger that bumped into her earlier. Leah took a deep breath before standing up and stepping in line. Leah felt stiff with every small step she took. When it was her turn to stand in front of Jeffery she felt her heart skip. He smiled at her as he grabbed a new book.
“Hello there, who am I making this out to?”
“Oh, uh, Leah, my name’s Leah. You came by my school today.”
“That’s right, I remember now, you kept asking about different writing styles.”
“Ya, I would like to be a writer someday.”
“That’s very cool, I for one think you would make a great writer.” Jeffery said as he finished signing the book.
Leah took the book from Jeffery with unsteady hands. “Thank you.” Leah said before stepping out of line to walk home when she noticed that it had started raining within the last hour. She let out a heavy sigh before pulling out her phone to call her mom.
She picked up after three rings, “Leah, honey, what’s going on?”
“I was hoping to get a ride home. It’s raining and I don’t really want to walk home in it.”
“Oh, I wish I could honey but I’m stuck with a client and your dad is at work. Did you go with any friends that could give you a lift?”
“Ya, sure mom, its fine, I’ll…figure something out, thanks, love you.” Leah hung up before her mom could respond. Leah stood there in the doorway just watching the rain when she heard her name being called.
“Leah, hey, you ok?” she turned to see Jeffery standing behind her.
“Ya, just trying to work up the courage to run three blocks in the rain.”
“Well, I could fix that, would you like a ride?”
“I uh…I don’t think my parents would approve.”
“It’ll be fine, you said three blocks? That’s less than five minutes, let me give you a ride.”
“Um, ok ya.”
“Cool, follow me.” Leah ran after Jeffery to his car, after two minutes of failing to unlock the door, they managed to get inside. “Alright you’re going to have to tell me where to go.” Jeffery said as he put his arm around Leah’s seat and started driving.
Over the next couple of day Leah was acting off, quieter and more reserved than normal and her friends were starting to notice. When Thursday came around Fatin was getting tired of it. Showing up for lunch Fatin made sure she was sitting next to Leah. When she noticed Leah starting space again, Fatin flicked her ear.
“Ow, what the hell Fatin?”
“Don’t yell at me, you’re the one whose been spacing out all week what’s going on with you.”
“It’s nothing, I just, I got a lot on my mind.”
“Like what?”
“I’m thinking about the writing contest I’m wanting to join.”
“Is that all?”
“I don’t know, I…I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Hey, Leah, you still want to check out that café? We can go on Saturday for your birthday?” Toni asked as they joined the table followed by Shelby and Martha.
“Actually, I’m not sure.”
“Nope none of that, we are going this weekend, you need to clear your mind. We can hang out at my house after.” Fatin cut in, and it was quickly agreed upon by the others.
That Saturday night standing in front of ‘the Eden’ Leah’s heart was racing, being here was a mistake, she needed to leave and cancel on her friends. She shouldn’t be here right now. Leah jumped when she felt a hand come down on her shoulder. She spun around to see Dot standing behind her.
“You alright? Your jumpier than usual Leah.”
“I’m fine.”
“Sure, if you say so but you might want to lower your heart rate before the others show up. You’re sweating when it thirty degrees out.”
Leah took a deep breath as she watched the other start showing up, Martha and Toni getting dropped off by Mrs. Blackburn. Shelby walking alongside Nora and Rachel talking about science projects for school. All that was missing is…
Leah felt a weight on her back and arms around her neck. She stumbled forward before gaining her footing back as she heard laughter coming for behind her. Fatin, of course.
“Fatin! You almost knocked me over.” Leah said as she adjusted her grip on Fatin.
“Quit being a big baby, babe. You love it.”
“Keep talking and I’ll drop you.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Ok you two enough, are we going in or what?” Toni interrupted.
“Toni’s right,” Fatin said as she slid of Leah’s back, “Let’s go birthday girl.” She grabbed Leah hand and dragged her into the café.
Walking inside Rachel let out a low whistle, “I see why you wanted to come here Leah, it’s like nerdvana for you and Nora.”
“Come on, there’s a couple of open tables near the back.” Shelby said as she led them further into the café. Separating into two groups, Shelby, Toni, Martha, and Dot occupied one table while Nora, Rachel, Fatin, and Leah claimed the table right next to them. When an employee showed up to take orders she smiled and said “Welcome to Eden,” She looked over at Leah before saying, “and welcome back, I hope you enjoyed Mr. Galanis’ reading the other night.”
“Oh, um, yes I did.”
The others looked at Leah confused, before ordering a variety of hot chocolates and tea. Fatin and Dot ordering coffee, Dot claiming late nights with her dad taking a toll. Fatin just being Fatin, was developing an obsession due to her dad allowing her to drink it at home. After the waitress left, the group looked back at Leah, “Though you wanted to wait until today to come here?” Dot asked.
“I, I did but someone had come to my English class and was talking about a book signing so I decided to check it out.”
“Why didn’t you just tell us that?” Martha spoke up.
“I don’t know…it was just weird.”
“What was?” Nora asked.
“Did something happen?” Fatin piped in.
“I just,” Leah started to fidget with her hands before meeting anyone’s eyes for the first time, it just happened to be Fatin, “I don’t really want to talk about it right now, can we talk at your house later?”
“Ya, we can table this for now,” Fatin said as another though crossed her mind, “but wait this place was probably crowded then, why did the waitress recognize you?”
“Oh, I was spacing out and she ran into me because I was just standing in the middle of the floor.”
“I’m tired of telling you idiots to pay attention.” Dot let out an exasperated sigh as the others started to laugh. The conversation quickly changed to stories about school, Dot’s dad, Toni’s mom, siblings, and anything else they deemed worth talking about.
The walk to Fatin’s house was still filled with laughter and smiles, Leah even started to relax, just enjoying her day with her family. Upon reaching Fatin’s yard, Leah’s heart started to race again, she knew once inside, she was going to be hammered with questions that she didn’t think she was prepared to answer. It seems though she has a bit more time because the boys were bored. Ahmad and Kemar ran up to Fatin and her friends once they entered the living room.
They both started to talk at the same time, “Toni! Dot! We got a new game.” “Sis, Martha! Mom said we can have the living room can we go play?!”
“Whoa, slow down you two,” Fatin said as she guided the twins out of the doorway so the group could head upstairs. “We will play whatever game you’re talking about when we come down later. For now, though we have got big kid things to talk about. So scram.”
Fatin watched the twins sulk back to the living room before following her friends upstairs. While everyone was hanging around the room messing with Fatin’s things, Leah was sitting on the bed, against the wall with her legs drawn to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. She looked so small in Fatin’s eyes. Fatin walked over to her bed and sat down next to Leah who finally looked up to meet Fatin’s eyes.
“You going to tell us what’s been going on now?”
The rest settled down after Fatin’s question and joined them sitting on the bed and floor. Leah wrapped her arms tighter around her legs before burying her head in her knees. “I don’t know what to do.” Leah said before letting out a grown.
“Start at the beginning, you went to the café at some point before today, right?” Dot asked.
Leah lifted her head to look at her friends again, “Ya, we had a guess speaker in English earlier this week and he mentioned signing his new book at the café. I wanted to check it out.”
“Ok, but who was it?” Shelby asked.
“Jeffrey Galanis.”
“He wrote that book you like, right? The nature of her?” Nora spoke up.
“Ya, I must have read that book five times since last year.”
“I think you mentioned him to me before.” Toni said.
“Probably, I was obsessed with him for a while.”
“Was? Did something happen with him?” Rachel asked.
“After the signing and everything I was just planning on going home. I walked there and was going to walk back but it was raining. My parents were too busy to pick me up. While I was trying to figure out what to do, Jeffery came up and offered me a ride.” Leah felt Fatin’s arm wrap around her back. She leaned her head against Fatin’s shoulder as she continued to talk, “He insisted, it was only five minutes, so I figured it would be alright, and it was, at first. We talked on the way about books, school, what it took to be an author. It was nice, we sat outside my house for almost an hour talking when he kissed me.”
“What the fuck?!” Dot said as she sat up straighter.
“It felt ok at first but after, it just felt wrong.” Leah said as she leaned heavier onto Fatin.
“Well, ya, the dude’s like forty.” Toni said.
“He’s 33.”
“Same thing.” Leah managed to let out a weak chuckle, “After I just went inside and I couldn’t shake the feeling that the whole thing was wrong, then I noticed it.”
“Noticed what?” Shelby asked.
Leah pointed to her bag she left lying on the floor when they walked into Fatin’s room. Nora grabbed the bag and handed it to Leah. After unzipping it and digging around for a minute she pulling out the copy of ‘The day the world stopped’ that she had received that day. She handed the book over to Dot who looked at Leah in confusion.
“The front cover.”
Dot peeled open the cover and her heart skipped a beat. There on the inside cover, under his name, Jeffery had written his phone number as well.
“The fucking creep put his number?”
“Ya, that was before the car ride.”
“What a fucking creep.” Rachel spoke up.
“What are you going to do with the book?” Martha asked.
“I don’t know, I don’t want it anymore, I just feel uncomfortable.”
“We could always burn it.”
The group just stared at Fatin, “What? We have a fire pit in the back yard. Kemar has been really into starting fires lately…seriously that kid worries me.” Leah let out another laugh that seemed to relax the rest of the group. “Ok, ya, I’m normally against book burning but I think I can make an exception this time.” Leah pulled away from Fatin before standing up from the bed. She grabbed the book from Dot and started to head downstairs, the rest following.
As soon as they reached the bottom they were rushed by Kemar and Ahmad once again. “Will you play with us now?” Ahmad asked.
“Let’s go outside, we’re going to start a fire in the pit.” Fatin said as she put her hand on Ahmad’s head. Kemar’s eyes lit up before he spun around and ran outside, Ahmad following behind.
“I’m telling you; the kid has an issue with fire.” Fatin said as they started to follow the boys outside, “Hey Dad! I didn’t know you were home!” Fatin’s eyes lit up when she noticed her father following them outside.
“Hello, ya bindi, I just got home actually. I heard you want to start a fire, is that right?”
“Is that ok?”
“Of course, I’ll get the lighter fluid, you get the hose ok? Boys why don’t you go get stuff to make smores? The rest of you kids can grab some more chairs from the patio.”
“Sure dad.” Fatin said as the group dispersed to their own tasks, except for Leah who walked over to the fire pit and sat on one of the few chairs the Jadmani kept around it. Her mind still in a far-off place, replaying that night in her head over and over again. The weight of the book slowly increasing in her hands. She was only pulled out of her thoughts when a chair slammed on the ground beside her. She looked up at Dot standing next to her.
“You going to stair at that thing or throw it into the pit.”
“I think I’m going to wait until the fire is actually going, I really don’t want Mr. Jadmani asking questions if he see the book in the pit.”
“Are you going to tell your parents? Do you want me to?”
“I just…I want to put it all behind me, he’s already out of town, I don’t see much of a point. It would just make my parents freak and my dad would keep me on a tighter leash then he already does.”
“Ok,” Dot sighed, “we’ll handle this how you want to but if you ever want to go a different way with it, or even just talk about it, you know we are all here.” “I know, I just want to forget.”
Their conversation was cut short as more chairs started to arrive around them. The group slowly started to come back together, the boys racing each other out of the house, Fatin throwing the hose on the ground near the pit, and Samad stacking the scrap wood into a triangle shape. Afterwords he pored the lighter fluid onto the wood before pulling a lighter from his pocket along with some scrap paper he had grabbed when searching for the lighter fluid. He lit the tip of the paper on fire before tossing it into the pit. The fire slowly spread throughout the wood.
Leah watched the fire slowly increase in size and the air around her got warmer. She watched Samad start to prepare smores for the boys before looking around at her friends. They were all here and that thought gave her the strength to lift that dreaded book and toss it into the fire. The group watched the fire slowly eat away at the book. Leah let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding as she felt Dot’s arm go around her shoulders. She laughed when Martha passed her a smore, chocolate dripping down her arm, from her other side. She smiled when she met Fatin’s eyes and could see the flames dancing in them. Leah watched the last few of the pages turn into ash and all she could think was that they would be ok, she would be ok.
Shaw_tea_bea on Chapter 12 Thu 09 Jan 2025 07:14AM UTC
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debby1211 on Chapter 19 Sun 16 Feb 2025 12:10PM UTC
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