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"Hey man, that's not really my scene,"
"Well, it could be, you just haven't explored that side of yourself," Ash teased, grinning and kicking a rock down the street, his hands in his jean pockets, as he stood facing Shorter on the street outside of his restaurant.
"I don't know, I mean, I'm just nervous, is all. What if somebody hits on me?"
"Well, if you like them, you can hit on them back. If not, just decline,"
"But...I know I like girls, Ash," he said, resignation filling his tone. "That..." He paused, his face contorting in embarrassment. "Isn't something I've entertained for very long."
"So, why don't you try to? I mean, really, I just want to take you to meet some of my other friends,"
"How'd you meet them, exactly?" he raised his eyebrows.
Ash looked away, blushing profusely. He knew that Shorter already knew what he did to make money, but he hadn't ever really confronted it all that seriously with him. It was leaving him feeling incredibly vulnerable to talk about this with Shorter, but he also knew that this was something Shorter had been curious about for a while, despite his hesitation.
He learned from the working girls on the street that would frequent the same corners as him all about this kind of thing, about transsexuals, and gay men, and how it wasn't the same as the kind of shit they were doing. These guys were pedophiles, and chasers. They didn't care about who they were fucking, as long as it gave them the power they craved.
"There's a world out there that you haven't even explored, Shorter," Ash replied, beginning to walk down the street rapidly, Shorter running to catch up behind him. "There's so many people that you don't even get the chance to meet, unless you go to these places, unless you do what I do."
"What do you do, Ash?" Shorter pleaded, his voice colored with concern.
"I don't wanna talk about it, not really," Ash replied succinctly, coldly. He really didn't. That wasn't the point of this. It was to show Shorter and everyone else that people who did what he did had lives, personalities, community.
There would probably be creeps, sure. Nothing that Ash couldn't protect Shorter from. And besides, he looked much older than Ash, and was less likely to be a target in the same ways. That much was evident in the different trajectory of their lives. Yes, Shorter struggled on the street, but he had parents that loved him, and a sister who was able to raise him when those people passed away.
Ash hadn't been so lucky.
"I know you don't wanna talk about it," Shorter began as he strolled behind ash, dust picking up under his purple Converses, ones he bought to match Ash's red ones, but with their own personal flair. Ash remembered him saving up for them, how much he had wanted the same pair of shoes, cuz they were "cool" and would help him "run faster, and jump higher," like all the commercials on TV said. Ash hadn't seen many commercials, until he started staying at Shorter's place and watching cable with him. It was a weird experience, to be told you want something you had never thought of in your own life before, and he didn't like the way it felt manipulative and desperate.
They looked good on Shorter, Ash had to admit, looking back at him. He felt himself blush as he witnessed the way his arm muscles glimmered with the sweat against them in the sunlight, his tank top revealing his chest in a way that made Ash feel abashed.
He liked him, he really did. But it was complicated, because he didn't know how to be with somebody in a way that didn't hurt him, didn't know how to accept the innocence of somebody's desire for him, and so it was hard to accept that from Shorter, despite how clear it was to both of them that there was a tension brewing between them.
"Exactly, Shorter, you know that, so don't push me. We're supposed to be having fun, and I don't want to ruin it,"
"C'mon, Ash." Shorter pulled on his hand, startling him, making him turn around swiftly, his eyes filled with terror.
"Why would you do that?" he barked, his lips pulled back as if he were a dog that had been beat and was ready to bite.
Shorter's eyes widened, and he immediately let go of Ash's hand, taking a step back and raising his hands up as if they were a white flag. "Sorry, Ash, are you okay, man?" he leaned forward, his eyes softening, both of them stopped on the street.
"I'm fine. Sorry," He took a deep breath and began to walk again. "We're getting close to our destination." He felt the blood in his veins run cold, as images of men doing that to him before something really bad took place filled his mind. His chest constricted and the air in his lungs was decreasing with each breath that he took. Before he could figure out how to stop it, he began to hyperventilate, gasping, clawing at his chest as if he could pull his lungs open by doing so.
"Ash, Ash!" Shorter took him by the shoulders and walked him through the gates of a park across the street from where they were walking, and gently pushed him towards a bench, "Have a seat, take a breath, it's okay, it's okay." Shorter stood above him, kneeling to be more eye level with him, but he didn't touch Ash, didn't dare to, after that show he just put on.
God, he was so fucking embarrassed, having somebody he looked up to so much see him in such a sorry and upsetting state. "Sorry Shorter, I'm sorry," he lamented, but the images would not stop, they left him feeling like a little kid again, like he was back in that room, with that coach, then back in Club Cod, then Dino's bed, all of it passing through him like his life flashing before his eyes, but only the bad parts. Were there even any good parts? He wondered. Griffin came to mind, but then tears began to trickle down his face, hot, sticky tears that burned his face, eyes, and lips as they trickled down his face.
"It's okay, Ash. We don't have to go tonight,"
"No, I want to, I want to." He protested, but each word was between shallow breaths, and his knees began to feel weak, even sitting down.
He really did want to go. He felt so abashed, and he could feel his cheeks turning red. Why was Shorter always seeing him like this? Why did he always come to him when he was the most vulnerable, wasn't he good for anything other than being broken?
"Let's just take a minute then, okay?" Shorter cooed gently, more gently than anybody in his life besides Griff had ever spoken with him before. "Why don't you tell me what's wrong, huh?"
"I," he gasped. "Can't," he gasped again.
"That's okay. It really is. Why don't I tell you a story? While I do that I, well, can I rub your back? I think it would make you feel better," Shorter offered, his voice softening more and more with each syllable, until it sounded like syrup against Ash's ears.
Panic struck through him, fearing the touch that Shorter wanted to provide, but feeling to afraid to turn it down, he accepted. He didn't want Shorter to think that he thought of him the same way as he thought of the men who hurt and solicited him.
"Sure," Ash sniffled. "It might not, though," he rubbed at his nose, trying to mitigate the snot flowing from it.
"Well, that's okay. Can I?"
Ash nodded. "You can," he continued to breathe heavily, but it was slowing down; he was beginning to catch his breath a little bit with each inhale and exhale.
Shorter placed his hand gingerly against Ash's t-shirt. It felt warm, and sent jolts of electricity through his spine. But it felt good, weirdly enough, the motion soothing him, the pressure feeling like a sort of love that nobody had shown him before, while Shorter told him his story. "When I was a kid, my dad took us fishing one time. We traveled all the way to Manahasset, in Long Island. Supposedly there's good fish there."
"Oh yeah?" He sniffled. Shorter was still making circles with his hand on Ash's back. He leaned back, just slightly, and placed his head on Shorter's shoulder, who leaned his head down to connect with Ash's, and it felt strangely warm, and strangely, good. It left Ash's stomach turning a bit, and his nerves were jumping off his skin, but overall, he didn't want it to end.
"Yeah," He could feel Shorter grin from ear to ear, his cheek pressing harder against the top of Ash's head. He had such a joie de vivre, it was unmatched by anyone he knew. Everybody he had met had been so beat down by the circumstances of their lives, but Shorter, he faced the world as if it was going to offer him something instead of taking everything away. As if it would offer him love, as if it would offer him a future. It was something which was utterly unfathomable to Ash, but he always enjoyed seeing the way the light seemed to radiate off of his best friend. "The thing was," Shorter continued his story, and Ash had realized he had been lost within his own train of thoughts, not fully hearing his story. He shook his head to clear it. "The thing was, we forgot to get bait! We rode all the way out there on the LIRR, with these fishing hooks my dad had bought on the black market, cuz he didn't know anywhere else to get 'em for what he could afford, right? And he forgot to buy bait! And we didn't have a car, so we couldn't just go to a bait shop, and for some reason, there weren't any near the ocean," Shorter laughed, and it rang through Ash's ears as if Shorter was an angel, or some harbinger of light, instead of darkness.
Ash chuckled. "That sounds crazy. Did you catch any fish?"
"No! We decided to spend the day swimming, and he passed off the fishing hooks to some random suburbanite, who paid double what he had gotten them for, and when we got home, we ordered sushi."
"That's a crazy story,"
"Yeah, yeah, it is," his voice darkened, and so did his eyes. Ash couldn't imagine how much Shorter missed his father, with stories like that. Suddenly he let himself brighten up, cheerily asking Ash, "So, how are you feeling? Any better?"
"Much better, yeah," Ash could feel his heart beating in his chest, but it wasn't any worse than the normal heart palpitations that he had been plagued with when he thought too hard about the darker things in his life. "I'm ready, if you are. You actually took us to the park right across the street from the bar I wanted to go to,"
"What bar?"
"Stonewall,"
"Stonewall?! Is there going to be a riot? Cuz I ain't trying to get into trouble,"
Ash rolled his eyes. "C'mon, there haven't been raids for a few years now, ever since some new entrapment laws were passed. Don't worry about it, really. Besides," Ash looked up at Shorter playfully, "I will protect you from any cop,"
Shorter's face turned beet red. "Oh, okay, then," he mumbled over his next few words, and Ash couldn't really hear what he was saying, but he knew it had something to do with how embarrassed he was. "Don't pull that shit in there, Ash. You'll make me flustered,"
"And you say you're not gay," Ash teased. He was slowly becoming more and more accepting of his own sexuality, and the fact that it wasn't related to what he experienced at the hands of the men who hurt him. It was something that took a lot of work to come to terms with, but it was something that the people he was going to introduce Shorter to tonight were helping him understand. It was hard, because he felt bad about his sexual thoughts sometimes, like he shouldn't have them, or that it made him as bad as the guys that he was being abused by.
These people showed him that there could be love which didn't have to come at a cost, though, and he was slowly internalizing that, as he let himself befriend more and more working dolls on the street with him.
He wanted Shorter to have that same kind of freedom, to not have to think there was something wrong with him for liking people that weren't girls. Ash didn't know how he'd explain the concept of people who weren't guys or girls, necessarily, but a mix of both, but he could save that for another night.
Shorter went to playfully punch Ash on the arm, but seeing the way that struck his eyes with terror, he decided against it, pivoting to punch his own palm instead. Thank god, Ash thought to himself. "C'mon, Ash, let's just go. I'm only doing this for you, you know,"
"I know." Ash agreed, but internally, he declared, but I'm doing this for you.
It was crowded, and loud as they entered the bar. It smelled heavily of weed, which Shorter didn't mind. They were arriving just as the sun had set, and it left an orange glow glistening off the red brick walls which felt like magic before his eyes. Even the building was more colorful.
Shorter regretted not wearing a jacket, wondering if that would make him feel less exposed. People were ogling them, but he imagined that it was Ash who they were looking at more than him. He didn't really think many people saw him the same way everybody saw Ash, and he didn't mind the lack of unwanted attention, but he wouldn't mind some wanted attention, after all.
"Hey, Ash," a well dressed and adorned Black woman with a surprisingly deep voice called out from across the bar. She stood up, and her height startled Shorter just as much as her voice. He could guess that she hadn't always been a woman, but he tried his best not to act awkward or nervous around her. He knew about transsexuals, but he hadn't ever met one. He didn't know that this was the kind of crowd Ash ran with; he expected more young gay kids who were also hookers.
Yet, it did make sense that he'd gravitate towards maternal figures, he thought, and his heart sank as he dug his hands deep in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels. He didn't like to think about Ash's parents, he didn't really know much about them except that Ash didn't like to talk about them.
"Who's your pretty friend?" One of the other women, who looked strikingly beautiful, with tan skin and carefully placed makeup, purred, taking a flirtatious sip of her drink. Her features were more sharp, less soft, than women's typically seemed to be, but they fit her face and demeanor so well, it was hard not to feel heart palpitations.
"Oh, you mean him?" Ash acted all shocked, and then laughed.
"No need to tease me, Ash," Shorter rolled his eyes and smiled awkwardly, rubbing at the back of his head.
"That's the fun of a place like this, it's all quips and jabs. We call it 'reading,' somebody," Ash explained, patting him on the back and pushing him towards the booth to sit down. "But, I don't think that you'd be very good at it yet, so don't try,"
"Oh, you think I can't insult people right?" Shorter teased. "I can,"
"Trust me, you've got nothing on these girls,"
"Oh? Okay," Shorter conceded. "I wanna hear some of these great insults tonight, then," he tried his best to keep a smile on his face.
"You will honey," another gorgeous woman with deep brown skin, a face painted carefully with makeup, and dark curly hair smiled at him. He didn't really expect there to be any women here, let alone women that were so clearly into him. He tried his best to give a wry and playful grin back, but worried that it ended up just looking weird.
"Oh, I'm excited, then." He stood up.
"What are you doing?" Ash questioned.
"I'm going to get a drink, maybe dance,"
"Oh, you want to dance?" Ash smiled eagerly. "I mean, that's not my typical style, but hey, if it gets you engaging,"
"Hey, I think I am engaging just fine, if I do say so myself,"
"I sure agree," the tan skinned woman called out, winking. "I'm Georgina, by the way,"
"Nice to meet you," Shorter tried to say with as much charisma as he could muster, but he felt like he just came off as cringey. "i'm Shorter,"
"Nice to meet you," the pretty darker skinned girl offered back. "I'm Janet,"
The woman who had called them to the booth told them that her name was Alex, and that she hadn't bothered changing it too much from what it originally had been, because it fit her anyway. "I'm just Alexandria instead of Alexander," she chuckled.
Shorter felt nervous, his palms sweaty with the fear that he was going to disappoint them in some way by not knowing the right thing to say. He realized exactly why Ash had told him not to do any "reading," of these women, he didn't have the awareness to be sensitive.
"It's really great to meet you all, Ash has told me a little bit about you, but not much. He's very secretive, it seems,"
"Oh, I know. Sometimes he disappears for weeks, and then comes back one day as if he hadn't been gone at all," Georgina agreed.
Shorter looked at Ash, who was sinking into his chair and crossing his arms defensively. He knew this was a touchy subject for him, so he put his hand out for Ash to grab it. "Come on, don't you wanna inaugurate your friend into this world with a dance?"
Ash looked up at him, and smiled like the child that he was., still only 15. Shorter was a couple years older, but sometimes, it didn't feel that way, until he saw the candid expression rise and set on Ash's face, in those rare moments when he would let his guard down. "Sure, I would, let's get a drink first,"
They both walked to the bar together, and Shorter had a strong urge to take Ash's hand, to protect him from the leering stares of all these people, by saying "He's mine! Don't look at him like I do,"
He was coming to accept that he did look at Ash in a way that was more than a simple friendship. He didn't know exactly what that meant for him and his sexuality, but watching Ash open up like a flower in a habitat where he felt safe was exhilarating. He wanted to come back here every night, if just to have a chance to see that.
It was hard, because he never knew if Ash would feel safe enough for something like that, even if he wanted it. It was not really his decision, or at least, not his alone.
"So, how do you feel about the bar so far?" Ash asked, pulling Shorter out of his own head.
"Oh, it's great, I like the company you keep,"
"They seem to like you too, huh,"
Shorter blushed. He liked having the attention of these women, but his thoughts always returned back to Ash, back to protecting him. And he couldn't do that if he thought Shorter was trying to score. "Yeah, they're beautiful, but I guess, I'm not really in the market for any women, tonight,"
Ash turned to him, leaning against the bar. "Oh?" he smiled. "You've got your eyes set on a guy?"
"Yeah, you could say that," his eyes moved to Ash's, then to his lips, and he knew Ash noticed with how quickly he turned away from him. But, still, he could see apples of red bloom across his cheeks.
After they sat talking with the girls for a bit, sipping on their incredibly strong mixtures of rum and coke, Ash felt quite loose, a little bit less on guard than he usually was. He was admiring Shorter's veracity, his ability to blend so easily into a social situation like this, even with not having experienced it at all before. It was what he really admired about Shorter, and what made him such a good boss, even at such a young age, 17.
"Let's go," Ash tugged on Shorter's shirt, slurring over his words a little bit. Usually being drunk left him feeling edgy, out of control, unable to fully grasp the surroundings around him. But with Shorter, and his friends he worked with on the street, he felt safe, in this place where people came for just that type of freedom.
"Okay, Ash," he agreed.
The music was a little bit slow, at first, as they walked into the corner of the room, where people were lazily moving about, their arms wrapped around each other, necks being nuzzled and backsides being grazed by delicate fingers. He saw women together with other women, and men with other men, a sense of peace filling the air as these people embraced the kind of love which went against all odds, but somehow found a way to survive.
He stood here, and realized he wanted that. He wanted a love that went against all odds, and weren't the odds so stacked up against him it was funny? The music began to pick up, and Ash grabbed Shorter's hand, guiding him startlingly along. His heart was beating faster and faster as they began to move in tandem with the other, their chests nearly touching, their eyes catching each other's for a brief moment, before they both looked away.
Ash wasn't very good at dancing, despite how coordinated he was. It required being more in your body than he had ever allowed himself to be. It was nice to watch as Shorter moved without any inhibition or embarrassment, and he tried to do the same, or at least, appear as those he was. It would be impossible to shake his anxiety off completely, but at least he could try to move anyway.
"This is fun," Shorter said, bouncing from side to side, as he and Ash made eye contact, their cheeks both flushing a deep shade of red, the breath between them becoming more intermingled as they began to move closer to the other, as longing filled Shorter's eyes. It was almost too much, but here, in this moment, Ash wanted to embrace it. He wanted to try, and maybe it would end up in a disaster, maybe it would ruin everything between them, but, he needed to see what it felt like, to want something like this and have it, for once.
Their chests pressed against each other now, Ash a couple inches shorter than him, but he was placing his hands on Shorter's waist, as he looked down at him and placed them on Ash's shoulders, tenderly running his fingers along them, as he gazed at has hands doing so. It was so incredibly electric, and it made the hair on Ash's neck stand up, but it didn't feel bad, this time, somehow. Somehow he knew, this would and could only go as far as he wanted it to, and that gave him the freedom to want it to go farther.
There was something so innocent in the way Shorter looked at Ash, and yet, Ash knew there was that longing behind his eyes too. How could that longing exist without the lust? He wondered. How could somebody want peace for him but also want love from him? It was perplexing. "Ash?" Shorter whispered, and he could barely hear the anxious murmur above the sound of the music.
"Yeah," he choked out, barely able to breathe, but in a way that felt much better than before. "What's up, Shorter?" He called out, louder this time, gaining strength and bravery.
"Can I kiss you?" Shorter asked, and it was the first time anyone had ever asked before just doing it. He wanted it, he did, and he nodded nearly imperceptibly, stumbling over his own inhibitions, despite how much he was trying to be free of them, in this moment, for the first time in his life.
Shorter leaned down, and looked at Ash's lips with a loving desperation gleaning in his eyes, as if he had wanted to do this for a long time, but had been afraid to. Ash knew that, but he hadn't been ready, before. He hadn't been ready for something as simple and easy as this could be, because, what if it wasn't?
Then, Ash stood on his tip toes to be closer to Shorter's lips himself. He felt a deep pang in his chest, unlike anything he had ever felt before. He didn't know if he wanted it to go further than just a kiss, but he knew that much, he desired. So he pressed himself against Shorter, their lips colliding in an explosion of electricity, their mouths wrapping around the other, in ways which felt foreign to Ash despite how many times he had done this, because he had never been so present, so in his body before. He had never known what it felt like to want to feel the person who was touching him, as much as they wanted to feel him.
But all he could do was feel Shorter, wrapping his hands around his upper arms, pressing into him, giving in in a way that he never let himself do before. It felt like magic in his veins.