Chapter Text
The hum of anxious chatter buzzed in Clarke’s ears. She was standing in a sea of people rushing to get to their gates, suitcases trailing behind them and kids scrambling to keep up. Every few minutes the intercom would announce another flight ready to board. The runways were full of planes taking off and landing. People returning home, worn out, pink cheeked and sad to leave their vacations mixing with the frazzled families vibrating with excitement to finally escape their lives for a week.
The chaos on all sides couldn’t penetrate the bubble surrounding Clarke as she stood at Gate C, hands laced with her best friend’s. The world around her no longer seemed to exist as she stared up into emerald green eyes, the color slightly softer than normal as Lexa tried to keep her tears at bay. Her wavy chestnut locks were half-heartedly tossed into a messy bun and her glasses were perched high on her regal nose. She was dressed in gray sweats and a white t-shirt. She looked so soft it squeezed at something in Clarke’s heart. She wasn’t ready for this.
“Shit, Lex.” Clarke laughed at herself and looked away as the tears started falling without her consent. “Sorry, I thought I was done with all this.”
“Hey, look at me.” Lexa reached out and tilted Clarke’s chin gently back up to meet her gaze. “It’s only four years. It’ll be over before you know it. I’ll come home to visit every break and we’ll text and facetime every day… We’ll be okay.”
“Ugh, I know. I know.” Clarke rolled her eyes at herself as Lexa gently wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I just… What if you make a bunch of really cool friends and you forget all about me?”
“Clarke, that’s ridiculous. You are my bestfriend,” Lexa said the words like nothing else had ever been more true, but the wrinkle in her forehead made Clarke wonder what else was going on behind those pretty green eyes. “I could never forget you. Never.”
“You better not or I’ll have to show up in LA and embarrass you in front of all your cool new friends,” Clarke smirked, trying to keep her emotions at bay. She didn’t want to risk making this harder on Lexa than it already was.
Lexa’s lip quirked at that, before her brows furrowed and her face turned serious again. “Fuck, I’m gonna miss you.”
Clarke couldn’t take it anymore, she threw her arms around her best friend and buried her face in her shoulder. Lexa immediately wrapped Clarke up in her arms and squeezed so hard Clarke thought she might stop breathing. She couldn’t help the tears flowing freely now, thankful she wasn’t wearing makeup that could ruin Lexa’s shirt. Lexa’s breath hitched, her body jerking with her attempts to keep her emotions contained. To everyone else Lexa was stoic and controlled, but Clarke knew better. Clarke knew just how deeply her friend felt her emotions, no matter how reluctant she was to share them with others.
“Shhhh,” Clarke hushed into Lexa’s neck as she scratched soothingly and toyed with the baby hairs that had escaped from her hair tie. “We’re gonna be okay. I love you, Lex.”
Lexa gently pulled back from Clarke’s grip. There was a war of emotions waging behind her eyes, her brows pulled together as she seemed to make a decision. She glanced between Clarke’s eyes, searching for something, imploring her to understand. Clarke thought she must’ve imagined it when Lexa’s gaze fell to her lips for a split second.
Lexa’s eyes took on a determined glint before she lunged forward, one hand reaching out to grasp Clarke’s neck and pull her in close. Clarke’s brain short-circuited. She felt the sweetest press of soft lips as they molded together with her own. The warm breath from their noses dancing over her lips and cheeks and seeping into her bones.
Clarke’s heart was pounding so hard she worried it might break free from her chest. Every nerve in her body was on fire. Nothing outside this feeling existed in that moment. Lexa was kissing her. She was kissing Lexa. Fuck, her lips were soft.
No. Focus, Clarke. This is Lexa. Your best friend. You can’t be doing this.
Lexa pulled back to adjust her angle and dove back in. Her soft, pouty lips caressing Clarke’s with such tender affection it almost hurt. Clarke’s chest felt as if it were both splitting open and being stitched back together at the same time. Every soft press of lips like a knife in her brain. She couldn’t be having these thoughts, these feelings, for her best friend.
But, why not? You love her. She’s basically your whole world. Why can’t you feel this way?
Maybe you've always felt this way.
When Lexa pulled back again to catch her breath, the disconnection launched a horrifying thought to the forefront of Clarke’s brain. Lexa started to lean in, but Clarke pulled back. Gasping, she placed a gentle hand against Lexa’s chest. She needed to keep that distance. She needed to think clearly.
“Lex, I can’t,” Clarke breathed out so softly she wasn’t sure Lexa could hear her, but the flash of hurt that crossed her sad eyes told Clarke she had. “I’m with Finn.. I can’t…”
Realization seemed to fall over Lexa, her face registering the panic of what she had just done. Her cheeks were red with embarrassment and she was shaking herself.
“Fuck, I’m sorry…” Lexa stuttered as she grabbed for her bags.
“No, Lex. Wait!” Clarke reached for her but she pulled away.
The intercom crackled through the tension and announced Lexa’s flight was now boarding. Clarke was trying to grasp onto this moment, to somehow put this genie back in the bottle. She tried to reach for Lexa, to slow down this trainwreck, but it was useless. She stood there not wanting to see, but unable to look away as their friendship imploded right before her eyes.
“I gotta go.” Lexa turned and disappeared into the crowd, boarding her flight.
She didn’t look back.
Clarke’s heart shattered on the floor of that airport, unseen and trampled by every passing stranger. Her chest was hollowed out and empty. She was gasping for breath, her lungs unable to pull in oxygen past her broken sobs. Her body unable to function properly now that a crucial part was missing.
She couldn’t understand why everything kept moving around her. How was it possible for the world to keep turning, for life to keep moving forward when her life had just come crashing down around her? Was no one aware of her grieving? Was she the only one able to feel this devastation, this great love lost?
She didn’t want to think about the look on Lexa’s face. The hurt that so deeply pierced through her beautiful eyes. The weight of the meaning of that moment. That Clarke had just lost the love of her life before she’d understood that’s what it was and she hadn’t even had the chance to save it. That in her heart she knew Lexa wasn’t coming back. She was gone.
…
Clarke was just sinking into the couch after making her way back home in a daze when she heard a gentle knock on the door. Her heart leapt into her throat and she launched herself off the couch. She threw the door open, tears already spilling down her face, chest ballooned with hope. She had been expecting to see soft green eyes and a remorseful upturn of pouty lips. Instead, she was greeted by a beautiful latina with dark hair pulled back in a sleek ponytail, face contorted in pain and anger.
“Clarke?” The girl questioned in way of greeting.
“Yeah, who are you?” Clarke asked, a mix of despair and fear bottoming out in her gut.
The spirited latina pushed right past Clarke and made herself comfortable on the couch. “You’re gonna want to sit down for this.”
“What I want is for you to tell me who the hell you are and why the hell you’re barging into my apartment,” Clarke snapped as she slammed the door and moved to stand in front of the intruder.
“You’re dating Finn, right?” At the responding silence the girl continued, “So am I.”
…
Clarke had spent the last three weeks in a daze. Everything she knew had crumbled into a heap of rubble at her feet, leaving her to sift through the ashes for anything salvageable. She continued to reach out to Lexa, desperate to hear her voice. Every phone call that went straight to voicemail, every text that was left on read, took one more piece from the ruins of her shattered heart.
Clarke: Lex, please talk to me… (read)
Clarke: I’m so sorry, please hear me out (read)
Clarke: Lex, I really need to talk to you… (read)
Clarke: I don’t think I can get through this without you (read)
Clarke: Damnit Lex, Please! I need you… (read)
It felt as if Clarke was screaming and disappearing into the void and for the first time since she can remember, there was no one to bring her back.
She spent most days looking through her photo albums at pictures of two chubby-cheeked school kids, clothes streaked with dirt from playing warriors and princesses at recess. She stayed in her sweats, cuddled in a blanket on the couch, eating ice cream and binge-watching Gilmore Girls.
It had been three weeks since the worst moment of Clarke’s life and she had still yet to hear from Lexa. She was drowning, unable to breach the surface of this pain. She had known Lexa since the first day of third grade when she had been placed with a foster family in Clarke’s school district. Lexa was all bony, awkward limbs and unruly, brown hair. She didn’t speak and her face always adorned a scowl. Clarke thought she was adorable.
Lexa had tried her best to keep everyone far away, but she was no match for Clarke. Clarke had decided that very first day that they would be the best of friends. Lexa wouldn’t admit it, but she was forever grateful for Clarke’s unrelenting stubbornness. For the determined way Clarke planted herself in Lexa’s life and refused to be moved.
By middle school, Octavia had joined their dynamic duo. With stubbornness to rival Clarke’s, there was no question she would be sticking around. The three girls were inseparable and the abundance of photos with wide smiling faces and joy so bright you could practically hear the laughter only proved that point.
Clarke checked her phone for the hundredth time that day. Nothing. The read receipt was laughing back at her from the screen.
Three weeks.
Three weeks of misery. Three weeks of crying herself to sleep every night only to wake up thinking it had all been a bad dream. Three weeks of checking her phone, waiting for a response. Three weeks of disappointment.
Clarke’s heart felt as if it had shattered beyond repair. Surely, this was a pain worse than death. She couldn’t imagine going on like this. Going on without her.
Her spoon hit the bottom of her Ben & Jerry’s carton at the same moment her front door flew open. Clarke nearly fell off the couch in surprise. Her two best friends paraded in the door like they were on a mission, noses upturned at the absolute disaster before them.
“Alright, that’s it,” Octavia huffed. “Get your ass up. You need a shower.”
Clarke groaned and burrowed deeper into the couch, closing her eyes as if maybe ignoring them would make them go away.
“Uh uh. Nope. Let’s go.” Raven ripped the blanket from Clarke’s body and tossed it behind herself.
Raven had been an unexpected blessing in all this mess. When she showed up at Clarke’s door with devastating news that ripped away Clarke’s last bit of sanity, she stuck around to help pick up the pieces. Raven had been duped and had her heartbroken just as badly as Clarke had. She had grown up with Finn and felt as if she owed her love to him after he had protected her from her harsh reality growing up. He cared for her, clothed and fed her when her own mother had been incapable.
Octavia had come out swinging when she received Clarke’s broken phone call, but quickly redirected her anger when she had the details. She and Raven got on like a house on fire. They immediately began plotting Finn’s demise. Clarke was grateful for them both, but she just couldn’t shake the depression closing in on her from all sides. She stopped answering their texts and calls, refused to answer her door, and secluded herself to wallow in solitude.
“Raven, what the fuck?” Clarke shouted in annoyance, blindly grasping for the blanket that was no longer in reach.
“Clarke, look at me,” Raven spoke softly and startled Clarke with how much closer her voice now sounded.
She peeked her eyes open to find Raven kneeling on the floor in front of her. Raven gently tucked an unruly strand of matted hair behind Clarke’s ear.
“Griff, you can’t keep living like this. This isn’t living, this is barely surviving.” Raven met her gaze with a look of sadness. “Please, just let us help you.”
“We can’t just sit here and watch you waste away, Clarke,” Octavia pleaded from the opposite end of the couch. She had never seen Clarke like this before and it was beginning to scare her.
The pain Clarke saw etched into her friend’s faces is what finally broke through the haze. Clarke couldn’t allow herself to be the cause of their concern, of their hurt. She was in absolute anguish over the loss of the person she was closest to, she couldn’t bear to inflict that on anyone else. Especially not her friends. Not Octavia, who had been her fiercest protector since they were too little to need such things. Not Raven, who didn’t have to get involved, didn’t have to reach out and save Clarke from continuing to make a fool of herself with someone she thought loved her.
No.
Clarke needed to get up. She needed to shower and eat and clean up. She needed to get well. Even if it killed her. If Lexa could so easily move on and leave Clarke behind, so could she.