Chapter Text
It began many moons ago, with a website known as TV Tropes. Beloved by many media-obsessed nerds, the website was a wiki that catalogued the different tropes used in various forms of media, from anime to video games to theme parks to commercials to… basically anything, all with a quirky, irreverent tone. Eventually, tropers took it upon themselves to grant the characters they have come to know and love a voice — a means for their fans to grant them the means of expressing themselves through iconic heroes and vile villains. Over the course of several years, hundreds of pages were created for icons of popular culture, some of which still stand, others of which have long since faded, and some of which have just come online. Still, the idea itself was a hit, and it hasn't stopped growing. Now, these characters found a voice, and their fans could celebrate.
“AH HA HA HA HA HA! That’ll teach those third-rate knockoffs not to cramp my style!”, said Joker: Clown Prince Of Crime in a fit of laughing insanity. “If only Bats were here to witness all the wonderful chaos I helped start!”
“Shut up, clown! At least I’m the relatable one!”, retorted Squidward Tentacles: Octopus Prodigy of Unrecognized Talent . “Literally half the users on this mind-melting site have annoying neighbors to deal with and/or a dead-end job sucking all the joy out of their miserable lives! And as for you? How many serial killers do you think use this site?”
“Oh, come on, Squiddy, why so serious?”, the Clown Prince responded. “Life is way more fun when you introduce a little anarchy. Maybe that’s what you need in your miserable little life!”
The Joker began to pull out a knife when suddenly, a pixelated, long-legged star happened to be on the scene. Somehow.
“These pages are Pissing me off… I’m the original Starwalker ”
The clown and the octopus just stood there in abject silence before resuming their quarrel.
Yet, as much as TV Tropes offered the characters a voice, it too offered the characters to form bonds with close allies — or to offer insults towards those they felt were beneath them.
“Those ingrates REFUSE to recognize my absolute genius!” yelled Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik: Mustached Menace of Mobius, slamming his fists on the nearest control console. “I spent HOURS thinking of those insults towards the other kooky characters here on this wiki, only for those blasted “administrators” to cut it down! TWICE!”
“Easy there, Humpty Dumpty,” replied Sheldon J. Plankton: 1% Evil, 99% Hot Gas . “It seems you people don’t appreciate my “creative naming skills” – OUCH!”
At Robotnik’s command, a Badnik stomped on the snarky copepod for daring to belittle the evil genius by likening him to a simple nursery rhyme character. He was Dr. Ivo Robotnik, rightful RULER of Mobius. Sure, “Eggman” was once used by that blue hedgehog as a childish insult towards the doctor, but the moniker was now only acceptable because he chose to claim it as his own and use it as a symbol of fear! No other insulting nicknames were acceptable.
But then, someone walked in and achieved the impossible – namely, bringing peace between Eggman and Plankton. While the two of them were good friends in this merged world, they weren't above making each other suffer for the sake of physical comedy. On that note, this was the last time that Plankton would ever use the "Humpty Dumpty" moniker for the good doctor, having heeded this very painful warning.
“THERE’S TOO MANY FUCKING JEWS AROUND HERE! Seriousleh, why can’t I even find an escape from them here on this fucking site?”, protested Eric Cartman: The Crass Coloradan . “I can’t walk a single step in any direction without wanting to give in to my burning urge to EXTERMINATE THEM ALL!”
For even the most diabolical conquerors and conniving evil-doers, Cartman’s frequent bigoted rants proved to be too evil for them . The two villains, rightfully disgusted with Cartman’s extreme antisemitic tirade, simply locked eyes on the boy and tapped him lightly with their respective hands. For all his bigoted bluster, Cartman was unable to take punishment of any sort, and immediately burst out in tears as he wailed loudly. “MAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHMMMMMMM!!! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMM!!!”
Yes, for the most part, there was some level of peace — cartoonish violence against a few of the characters, but nothing too serious. At least, not at first.
The Self Demonstrating index would spend many days growing and growing, and soon dozens of characters would find themselves putting up pages. They too, like others who had joined, sought to secure themselves a place in history with their unique voice, and had hoped audiences would come to appreciate them. But as they found, not everyone would share in their presence; rivalries tensed up, insults were dished out, and others would go so far as to enact violence upon one another to prove a point. True, some found friendships, but the end result was always the same – someone would always find something wrong about the other.
Unsurprisingly, it was the villains who decided that they couldn’t stand one another. How could they operate, knowing that there was a genuine threat to their power? Or at least, in the eyes of some. One such being who posted a page was Darkseid: Lord of Apokolips. In his mind, all were inferior before his might. Why bother with contending with such fools? Still, some of them had little brain to their name – and so he boasted, “I have seen many of the beings on this pathetic website: would-be tyrants, meager criminals, beings who claim to be gods and think they are in total control but are mewling whelps barely weaned from the teat, and especially that pale imitation of me."
This boast did not sit well with one Yuki Terumi. To him, Darkseid was the false pretender to the name of a god. “Who the fuck you callin' a mewlin' whelp you crusty muthafu-”, he attempted to boast before his mouth was silenced.
“I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND TICKING OL' ROCKY OFF, YUUKI-BOY. HIS EYES ARE ALREADY RED WITH RAGE!”, spoke Bill Cipher, another being of great power. He had previously attempted to unleash Weirdmaggedon, but even his efforts proved futile. To witness such might, he knew better than to try and anger the embodiment of tyranny.
The heroes too found that the more devilish among them were also likely to attempt to unleash their brand of chaos upon the new world. Down in Bikini Bottom, one Eugene H. Krabs, the crustacean proprietor of the Krusty Krab restaurant, was shocked to discover one of his customers was none other than Eric Cartman. To his horror, Cartman was cussing, swearing, and demanding he be allowed to eat in the restaurant for free.
“Hey! You greedy fucking crab! You best lemme eat here free now, cause I declah this diner is now the official lunch room! RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! And anyone who’s Jewish, get the fuck out of here!”
Krabs’ blood began to boil over. He may have his flaws, sure, but Cartman…that little snot was just the worst of the bunch. At least these new villains that kept popping up had some excuse as to why they were such horrible people, but this lubber clearly knew what he was doing and didn’t care.
“What's this? Did that intolerable brat from the network's other sister channel get into me restaurant? Ye have no "authoritah" here, boyo! ...wait, you made one of yer classmates eat his own parents over $16.12?!? GREAT BARRIER REEF! And I thought some of these landlubbers didn't like the fact I once sold SpongeBob's soul for 62 cents…” Still, he had no choice but to grab the lad by the throat, chuck him out of the Krusty Krab, and slap a “BANNED FOR LIFE” sign on the door.
“FUCK YEW!”, cried out Cartman, as he grabbed an ax. “I’m gonna smash this shit pile to the ground!” Of course, before he could, a giant hand grabbed him and tossed him up to the surface, sending him flying like a paper airplane.
Even amongst the innocent, animosity would find its way through. A conductor named James – a proud railroader who was tasked with bringing children to the North Pole aboard a magical Christmas Train called the Polar Express – was once such chap. He took pride and joy in his old machine, and made sure that she kept to schedule. Nothing would stop him from arriving on time, not even the threat of a frozen lake! He had hoped that with this train, he could offer some comfort in trying times to the younger visitors, and take them to see Santa Claus.
Yet even an act of kindness was touched by rivalry, for another railroader was present on the website: Gordon, a sentient steam engine. He had heard of this magical Christmas train and grew considerably jealous; he was the only engine on here, and in his mind, they certainly didn’t need another, let alone one who lacked a face! Naturally, he took it upon himself to take this train to the North Pole himself rather. So one night, when James stopped the train to pick up someone, Gordon snuck his way in and coupled up front, thinking it was his turn to shine. But James was far from pleased, as he now knew of Gordon and his kind. When he caught the express engine trying this stunt, he marched up to him and made his words clear.
“YOU!”, cried out the Conductor. “I have told you once, I have told you a thousand times, under no circumstances is anyone from your little island allowed to handle the route of the highest priority train on CHRISTMAS EVE! Leaving your... poor safety record aside, it is a known FACT that your line has the worst on-time performance in history. Now you go back home and tell your boss that this route will ONLY be pulled by the best until he gets his act together. So, get off the mainline before I report you FOR DELAYING TRAFFIC!”
An incensed Gordon could only reply, “Oh, the indignity! I could pull this special express faster and more efficiently than your poorly-built American engine!” With no choice, he left the train in a huff, figuring it was better to just let them go on their way; they wouldn’t get very far without him. As he left, he could hear the Conductor call him a “Doncaster Reject”. The nerve of him! Well, someday he’d prove that he was a lot better than that poor excuse for an engine.
Still, this too was not the worst of it. Some peace was still maintained. In fact, a few friendships came to be as a result. Squidward, in all his loneliness, found a peaceful little corner of the universe called “Sesame Street”, and found himself a true friend. For it was one on part of the street that he found a silver trash can, and within it, a strange creature who called himself Oscar the Grouch. It seemed like an unlikely friendship, but the two were quick to hit it off.
Squidward, in his own words, was glad he found someone he could relate to. “I might have found a kindred spirit here. He rightfully praises my clarinet playing and we can both commiserate about how we hate everything! Guy could use a little cleanliness, but I'll take it.”
Even the miserly old grouch was touched, and said “Heh heh heh! Thanks, buddy! Maybe I should set up a new trash can here in Bikini Bottom! Hey, next time Sponge and Pat come around, how about we both yell at them to "SCRAM!" in unison?”
“Sounds like a deal!” Squidward replied.
Oscar continued. “And I hope you'd like hanging out with Miss Power too, she's just as stinky as me!”
“Miss Power?!” asked Squidward. “You mean… her?!”
The two green guys’ gaze shifted to a wild-looking blonde girl with horns destroying a monster with a large hammer made out of blood some distance away, causing it to explode into a pile of blood and guts. “THE GLORY OF THE KILL IS MINE! I AM THE STRONGEST AND SMARTEST BEING IN THE UNIVERSE! GYA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” she screamed, holding her hammer triumphantly in the air.
Squidward shielded his eyes. “Uhh… I’ll have to get back to you on that one.”
Perhaps even more heartwarming, the very visitors to this website came to find great appreciation in these heroes. Some would even grant them the means to just relax and have fun – the complete antithesis of its reputation. One hero in particular, the wise and noble Autobot leader Optimus Prime, was able to drop the facade of a leader and just unwind. He could talk to complete strangers, none of whom judged him for who he was, and didn’t expect him to be this grand and powerful force of the universe. Whatever force of habit overcame him, it was…nice that someone cared about the bot behind the bravery.
“That was quite an experience. It was... nice to just sit and talk for a while. Thank you, stranger, for letting me be myself for a while. And I hope you'll be able to share this experience with the others wanting to join this website.” He would often bid the tropers this message, still kind and gentle as ever, but with a sense of humanity not thought possible. Maybe there was some hope. Maybe TV Tropes finally gave the multiverse a sense of order, even if villains were being their usual selves and even if some of the other characters didn’t get along.
But as with all times of peace, it was not to last when he came to the website.
The one and only, the dreaded… Barney the Purple Dinosaur.