Chapter 1: From Humble Beginnings
Summary:
Various characters with self-demonstrating pages on TV Tropes meet, interact, and throw jabs at each other, until a certain purple dinosaur shows up...
Chapter Text
It began many moons ago, with a website known as TV Tropes. Beloved by many media-obsessed nerds, the website was a wiki that catalogued the different tropes used in various forms of media, from anime to video games to theme parks to commercials to… basically anything, all with a quirky, irreverent tone. Eventually, tropers took it upon themselves to grant the characters they have come to know and love a voice — a means for their fans to grant them the means of expressing themselves through iconic heroes and vile villains. Over the course of several years, hundreds of pages were created for icons of popular culture, some of which still stand, others of which have long since faded, and some of which have just come online. Still, the idea itself was a hit, and it hasn't stopped growing. Now, these characters found a voice, and their fans could celebrate.
“AH HA HA HA HA HA! That’ll teach those third-rate knockoffs not to cramp my style!”, said Joker: Clown Prince Of Crime in a fit of laughing insanity. “If only Bats were here to witness all the wonderful chaos I helped start!”
“Shut up, clown! At least I’m the relatable one!”, retorted Squidward Tentacles: Octopus Prodigy of Unrecognized Talent . “Literally half the users on this mind-melting site have annoying neighbors to deal with and/or a dead-end job sucking all the joy out of their miserable lives! And as for you? How many serial killers do you think use this site?”
“Oh, come on, Squiddy, why so serious?”, the Clown Prince responded. “Life is way more fun when you introduce a little anarchy. Maybe that’s what you need in your miserable little life!”
The Joker began to pull out a knife when suddenly, a pixelated, long-legged star happened to be on the scene. Somehow.
“These pages are Pissing me off… I’m the original Starwalker ”
The clown and the octopus just stood there in abject silence before resuming their quarrel.
Yet, as much as TV Tropes offered the characters a voice, it too offered the characters to form bonds with close allies — or to offer insults towards those they felt were beneath them.
“Those ingrates REFUSE to recognize my absolute genius!” yelled Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik: Mustached Menace of Mobius, slamming his fists on the nearest control console. “I spent HOURS thinking of those insults towards the other kooky characters here on this wiki, only for those blasted “administrators” to cut it down! TWICE!”
“Easy there, Humpty Dumpty,” replied Sheldon J. Plankton: 1% Evil, 99% Hot Gas . “It seems you people don’t appreciate my “creative naming skills” – OUCH!”
At Robotnik’s command, a Badnik stomped on the snarky copepod for daring to belittle the evil genius by likening him to a simple nursery rhyme character. He was Dr. Ivo Robotnik, rightful RULER of Mobius. Sure, “Eggman” was once used by that blue hedgehog as a childish insult towards the doctor, but the moniker was now only acceptable because he chose to claim it as his own and use it as a symbol of fear! No other insulting nicknames were acceptable.
But then, someone walked in and achieved the impossible – namely, bringing peace between Eggman and Plankton. While the two of them were good friends in this merged world, they weren't above making each other suffer for the sake of physical comedy. On that note, this was the last time that Plankton would ever use the "Humpty Dumpty" moniker for the good doctor, having heeded this very painful warning.
“THERE’S TOO MANY FUCKING JEWS AROUND HERE! Seriousleh, why can’t I even find an escape from them here on this fucking site?”, protested Eric Cartman: The Crass Coloradan . “I can’t walk a single step in any direction without wanting to give in to my burning urge to EXTERMINATE THEM ALL!”
For even the most diabolical conquerors and conniving evil-doers, Cartman’s frequent bigoted rants proved to be too evil for them . The two villains, rightfully disgusted with Cartman’s extreme antisemitic tirade, simply locked eyes on the boy and tapped him lightly with their respective hands. For all his bigoted bluster, Cartman was unable to take punishment of any sort, and immediately burst out in tears as he wailed loudly. “MAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHMMMMMMM!!! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMM!!!”
Yes, for the most part, there was some level of peace — cartoonish violence against a few of the characters, but nothing too serious. At least, not at first.
The Self Demonstrating index would spend many days growing and growing, and soon dozens of characters would find themselves putting up pages. They too, like others who had joined, sought to secure themselves a place in history with their unique voice, and had hoped audiences would come to appreciate them. But as they found, not everyone would share in their presence; rivalries tensed up, insults were dished out, and others would go so far as to enact violence upon one another to prove a point. True, some found friendships, but the end result was always the same – someone would always find something wrong about the other.
Unsurprisingly, it was the villains who decided that they couldn’t stand one another. How could they operate, knowing that there was a genuine threat to their power? Or at least, in the eyes of some. One such being who posted a page was Darkseid: Lord of Apokolips. In his mind, all were inferior before his might. Why bother with contending with such fools? Still, some of them had little brain to their name – and so he boasted, “I have seen many of the beings on this pathetic website: would-be tyrants, meager criminals, beings who claim to be gods and think they are in total control but are mewling whelps barely weaned from the teat, and especially that pale imitation of me."
This boast did not sit well with one Yuki Terumi. To him, Darkseid was the false pretender to the name of a god. “Who the fuck you callin' a mewlin' whelp you crusty muthafu-”, he attempted to boast before his mouth was silenced.
“I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND TICKING OL' ROCKY OFF, YUUKI-BOY. HIS EYES ARE ALREADY RED WITH RAGE!”, spoke Bill Cipher, another being of great power. He had previously attempted to unleash Weirdmaggedon, but even his efforts proved futile. To witness such might, he knew better than to try and anger the embodiment of tyranny.
The heroes too found that the more devilish among them were also likely to attempt to unleash their brand of chaos upon the new world. Down in Bikini Bottom, one Eugene H. Krabs, the crustacean proprietor of the Krusty Krab restaurant, was shocked to discover one of his customers was none other than Eric Cartman. To his horror, Cartman was cussing, swearing, and demanding he be allowed to eat in the restaurant for free.
“Hey! You greedy fucking crab! You best lemme eat here free now, cause I declah this diner is now the official lunch room! RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! And anyone who’s Jewish, get the fuck out of here!”
Krabs’ blood began to boil over. He may have his flaws, sure, but Cartman…that little snot was just the worst of the bunch. At least these new villains that kept popping up had some excuse as to why they were such horrible people, but this lubber clearly knew what he was doing and didn’t care.
“What's this? Did that intolerable brat from the network's other sister channel get into me restaurant? Ye have no "authoritah" here, boyo! ...wait, you made one of yer classmates eat his own parents over $16.12?!? GREAT BARRIER REEF! And I thought some of these landlubbers didn't like the fact I once sold SpongeBob's soul for 62 cents…” Still, he had no choice but to grab the lad by the throat, chuck him out of the Krusty Krab, and slap a “BANNED FOR LIFE” sign on the door.
“FUCK YEW!”, cried out Cartman, as he grabbed an ax. “I’m gonna smash this shit pile to the ground!” Of course, before he could, a giant hand grabbed him and tossed him up to the surface, sending him flying like a paper airplane.
Even amongst the innocent, animosity would find its way through. A conductor named James – a proud railroader who was tasked with bringing children to the North Pole aboard a magical Christmas Train called the Polar Express – was once such chap. He took pride and joy in his old machine, and made sure that she kept to schedule. Nothing would stop him from arriving on time, not even the threat of a frozen lake! He had hoped that with this train, he could offer some comfort in trying times to the younger visitors, and take them to see Santa Claus.
Yet even an act of kindness was touched by rivalry, for another railroader was present on the website: Gordon, a sentient steam engine. He had heard of this magical Christmas train and grew considerably jealous; he was the only engine on here, and in his mind, they certainly didn’t need another, let alone one who lacked a face! Naturally, he took it upon himself to take this train to the North Pole himself rather. So one night, when James stopped the train to pick up someone, Gordon snuck his way in and coupled up front, thinking it was his turn to shine. But James was far from pleased, as he now knew of Gordon and his kind. When he caught the express engine trying this stunt, he marched up to him and made his words clear.
“YOU!”, cried out the Conductor. “I have told you once, I have told you a thousand times, under no circumstances is anyone from your little island allowed to handle the route of the highest priority train on CHRISTMAS EVE! Leaving your... poor safety record aside, it is a known FACT that your line has the worst on-time performance in history. Now you go back home and tell your boss that this route will ONLY be pulled by the best until he gets his act together. So, get off the mainline before I report you FOR DELAYING TRAFFIC!”
An incensed Gordon could only reply, “Oh, the indignity! I could pull this special express faster and more efficiently than your poorly-built American engine!” With no choice, he left the train in a huff, figuring it was better to just let them go on their way; they wouldn’t get very far without him. As he left, he could hear the Conductor call him a “Doncaster Reject”. The nerve of him! Well, someday he’d prove that he was a lot better than that poor excuse for an engine.
Still, this too was not the worst of it. Some peace was still maintained. In fact, a few friendships came to be as a result. Squidward, in all his loneliness, found a peaceful little corner of the universe called “Sesame Street”, and found himself a true friend. For it was one on part of the street that he found a silver trash can, and within it, a strange creature who called himself Oscar the Grouch. It seemed like an unlikely friendship, but the two were quick to hit it off.
Squidward, in his own words, was glad he found someone he could relate to. “I might have found a kindred spirit here. He rightfully praises my clarinet playing and we can both commiserate about how we hate everything! Guy could use a little cleanliness, but I'll take it.”
Even the miserly old grouch was touched, and said “Heh heh heh! Thanks, buddy! Maybe I should set up a new trash can here in Bikini Bottom! Hey, next time Sponge and Pat come around, how about we both yell at them to "SCRAM!" in unison?”
“Sounds like a deal!” Squidward replied.
Oscar continued. “And I hope you'd like hanging out with Miss Power too, she's just as stinky as me!”
“Miss Power?!” asked Squidward. “You mean… her?!”
The two green guys’ gaze shifted to a wild-looking blonde girl with horns destroying a monster with a large hammer made out of blood some distance away, causing it to explode into a pile of blood and guts. “THE GLORY OF THE KILL IS MINE! I AM THE STRONGEST AND SMARTEST BEING IN THE UNIVERSE! GYA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” she screamed, holding her hammer triumphantly in the air.
Squidward shielded his eyes. “Uhh… I’ll have to get back to you on that one.”
Perhaps even more heartwarming, the very visitors to this website came to find great appreciation in these heroes. Some would even grant them the means to just relax and have fun – the complete antithesis of its reputation. One hero in particular, the wise and noble Autobot leader Optimus Prime, was able to drop the facade of a leader and just unwind. He could talk to complete strangers, none of whom judged him for who he was, and didn’t expect him to be this grand and powerful force of the universe. Whatever force of habit overcame him, it was…nice that someone cared about the bot behind the bravery.
“That was quite an experience. It was... nice to just sit and talk for a while. Thank you, stranger, for letting me be myself for a while. And I hope you'll be able to share this experience with the others wanting to join this website.” He would often bid the tropers this message, still kind and gentle as ever, but with a sense of humanity not thought possible. Maybe there was some hope. Maybe TV Tropes finally gave the multiverse a sense of order, even if villains were being their usual selves and even if some of the other characters didn’t get along.
But as with all times of peace, it was not to last when he came to the website.
The one and only, the dreaded… Barney the Purple Dinosaur.
Chapter 2: Chaos in Purple
Summary:
Barney the Dinosaur's reign of terror begins.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
It began like any other day – quiet, unassuming, peaceful. There was certainly nothing to suggest that on that very day, everything would change.
For this chapter, we ask that you put yourself in the shoes of a troper on that fateful day. You’ve decided to browse TV Tropes for hours on end. The wiki’s all-devouring nature has started to gnaw at your lifespan and sanity. Just for fun, you decide to go through the Self-Demonstrating Character Pages, eager to see which new funny-talkers-of-the-week got their own entries on TV Tropes and how they’d react to other characters. But suddenly... you see a small purple dinosaur plush toy before you. A sense of dread rushes over you; surely HE can't have a page, can he?!
You try to find a way out, but to no avail. Resistance is futile. HE stares at you with his ominous twinkling eyes. Then, suddenly, the small-ish saccharine saurian starts to sparkle, and grow…
“Hello again to all my friends!”
The dark drums of war begin to beat. Ominous Latin Chanting reverberates the halls. You can almost hear the footsteps of soldiers marching into battle. Within seconds, a giant title appears over his head, along with a health bar.
—Barnabas, Tyrannosauroid of Violet Reverie—
The plush doll has grown into a fully-grown, cloying purple dinosaur – a part of your childhood that you wish would stay behind and never come back. You recoil in horror, screaming into the void as your worst fears take shape. Next to you is a Superman knockoff with rocky white skin and a backwards “S” insignia on his chest, excited for the spectacle ahead.
“Ah! Ah! Time to not watch Baloney & Kids, ” Bizarro #1, another individual with a page of his own declares in his usual backwards-speak. “Me hate intensely joyless show for senior citizens!”
Your brain doesn’t have time to process the concept of Barney & Friends being targeted towards the elderly in any universe. Right next to Bizarro is a young blonde girl with a devil-horn headband.
“EEEEEE!!! I’m so excited!”, Star Butterfly squeals. She's yet another character with a page on the Self-Demonstrating index.
You have no idea what sort of situation you’re in – face-to-face with Barney the Detestable Dinosaur, with other fictional characters around you that are somehow ecstatic to see him. Barney then gives you a big hug. It doesn’t hurt physically and he isn't crushing your bones or anything, but you feel shivers down your spine.
“I’m Barney, and I’m here to play with you!”, Barney exclaims. “You know, using your imagination is super-dee-duper! And that’s how you managed to bring me to life!”
Fuming inside, you kick yourself for even thinking of the concept of Barney having a Self-Demonstrating page. Surely that single stray thought couldn’t have brought him to life? You never meant it in the first place. But lo and behold, here you are, with the worst dinosaur of all time staring you right in the face.
“I'm so happy you get to be my friend. I have lots of friends too, like Baby Bop, BJ, Riff, and Drew Pickles! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!”
...
Drew Pickles?! So he’s also… that version of Barney? From those depraved, homophobic Speakonia videos? Something in your stomach churns as you happen to spot a small, toddler-aged girl in pigtails. You recognize her immediately, as she questions how this creature knows her father.
“Wait, you know Daddy?” Angelica Pickles asks. Suddenly she has a realization. “Oh, you must mean a different Daddy.”
Poor kid, you think. You probably hope she never runs into that version of her Dad anytime soon.
Barney continues to torment you. “But now, why don’t you say hello to my newest friend, Patrick Star!”
Your jaw gaps as you see a pink starfish in green and purple swim trunks walk into the room. Patrick Star? The other big name of SpongeBob SquarePants ? Surely this has to be some kind of a joke; why would Patrick, of all characters, be here? You're confused as to how one of your favorite childhood icons decided to share space with one of your least favorite ones, but have no choice but to roll with it. Especially since he has a big old grin on his face as he greets the putrid purple dinosaur.
“Hiya, Barney! It’s so nice to meet you!”, speaks Patrick. The fact he’s saying that without a hint of irony is just embarrassing – and so too is this fact to someone accompanying him. Out of the corner of your eye, you spot SpongeBob himself, grimacing through the fact his best friend is worshiping this abomination.
“Patrick!”, cries out SpongeBob. “That show’s literally for two years olds! You’re gonna embarrass yourself!” As the sponge cries out in vain, he spots you near Barney and realizes you must be stuck in the same situation. In sympathy, he replies “Don’t mind him. He’s just a little…slow in the head.”
Slow is right. Who in their right mind would love this guy? Then again, this is Patrick we’re talking about, and everyone knows that starfish don’t have any brains.
“Hi there, Patrick! This is my new friend, This Troper! Why don’t you say hi?!” Oh, right. He’s still here.
“Hi, I’m Patrick! I do stuff!” You grumble as you wonder why Patrick is doing this , of all things. Suddenly, your childhood nostalgia of watching him and SpongeBob play around and annoy Squidward changes to a deeper understanding of the octopus’s hatred of those two nimrods.
Barney is then quick to interject. “Say, Patrick. Do you know your ABCs?”
Patrick then gleefully responds, “I sure do! Lemme sing them for you! A, B, C, D… F… seven… cornbread… uh, I think I forgot!” Somehow you get the feeling that AI Sponge must have taken more of a toll on this guy than you thought; now he’s got cornbread on the brain.
“Don’t worry, Patrick! Let’s sing the ABC song together! Why don’t you sing along with us, too?!” Oh no! Your worst nightmare has come to life! Singing the ABCs as a kid was one thing; singing them with your own kids is another. But to sing it with Barney… if you could tear out your soul and leave this mortal plain right now, you would, because there could possibly be nothing worse in either afterlife that would be worse than this.
Except you see just that with SpongeBob, whose brain is beginning to melt out from his body. “My brain is melting…you need to stop Patrick!” He begs of you as what used to be his most vital organ turns to mush. “He’s getting dumber by the second!”
Suddenly, the doorbell rings. To your relief, the music stops.
“Oh! That must be my Uncle Gnashy! He's here to give us presents! Let's answer the door!”
Uncle Gnashy? Oh no…this thing has relatives. As if one Barney in the universe wasn’t bad enough. You watch as the original prances over to the door, eager to greet his Uncle as you dread seeing what sort of cloying dinosaur lies on the other side. Barney grabs the handle and swings it open –
– And standing on the other side is another purple dinosaur, this one far more fearsome in appearance. Tall, scaly, and with massive teeth that look like they could tear through metal without issue. At first, you assume that something in Barney’s family skipped a generation, since Uncle Gnashy clearly looks nothing like his doofus of a nephew. But then something clicks in your head; he looks familiar somehow…
“Ahh, my hated "nephew", yeeeeeesssssssss.” That voice… it couldn’t be, could it? It sounds way too much like David Kaye. Suddenly it hits you.
And then so too does “Uncle Gnashy” when he unleashes his massive jaws on Barney. As they clamp down, Patrick screams, running away as the monstrous T-Rex sinks his teeth into the hated dinosaur, leaving a gashing bite mark that causes Barney to bleed profusely. He then continues to bite deeper and deeper, leaving such horrific marks while Barney is tossed around like a dog toy. You can almost hear what’s left of his stomach begin to gurgle while more and more internal organs begin to fall out.
“Make it stop! Make it stop! You're not being very nice, Uncle Gnashy!” cries Barney as he can’t fathom what sort of horrific fate he’s being subjected to. You want to feel sorry for him, but…it’s Barney. If anything, you’re hoping his Uncle puts him out of his misery.
“I'm afraid I can't do that, nooooooooo. But here comes the fun part, yeeeeeeesssssssss. Megatron, TERRORIZE!”
Suddenly, the T-Rex begins to shift into the visage of a robot, organic parts merging to complete a humanoid form. Now you know for sure; you have just witnessed the visage of Megatron – or at least the version from Beast Wars , not the Decepticon whom this Megatron took his name from. His eyes glow bright red in rage as he grins sadistically, firing lasers from his T-Rex hand into Barney’s body. More and more laser holes riddle the dinosaur, leaving gaping scorch marks, as Beast Megatron begins to rip off Barney’s arms, legs, and what little of a tail he has. Barney screams for mercy as his Uncle–
–wait. Beast Megatron is Barney’s Uncle? How is that even possible? That defies virtually every bit of logic you can think of. He’s a Cybertronian Predacon from 200 years in the future, and Barney’s supposed to be over 2 million years old. You can’t possibly –
–no, it’s not wise to question it any further. At this point, you’re more focused on the fact that Beast Megatron is now stomping the limbs he just tore off into mush, leaving a giant purple stain on the ground. There’s a part of you that feels horrified, if only just a small one. But somehow, it’s less horrifying than when Barney’s alive.
“I had little choice when those insolent fools on the self-demonstrating character page index continued to compare my glorious, fearsome build with your buffoonish, saccharine visage. At least Mewtwo had the dignity to compare me to a beast of legend from its own world instead, yeeeeeessssss. But those cretins never stopped, and now you dared to show your hideous face on this wiki! I warned all of these imbeciles on my own page, but they failed to heed my warnings, nooooooooo!”
Suddenly it all makes sense now. Beast Megatron being a purple dinosaur was enough to warrant such a comparison; a comparison it seems that the Predacon Leader could no longer take. It makes even more sense that Barney would be stupid enough to ignore a warning not to show up in the first place.
And as if things couldn’t get any stranger enough, you hear the sound of a chainsaw revving. You turn around and see a masked man with a chainsaw sticking out of his face, with two more chainsaws attached to his arm. Quickly you recognize the legendary Chainsaw Man, star of the hit manga and anime of the same name. But why would he bother with dealing with Barney? He doesn’t – oh. You realize you just answered your own question.
“Someone call for gratuitous violence?” says the demonic chainsaw-human hybrid.
Back in the corner where SpongeBob is trying to gather up the pieces of his brain, he says “T-that's a bit extreme, but I'll take it.”
With a sharp grin on his face, Chainsaw Man plunges his chainsaws into Barney’s body, sending the dinosaur screaming for help as his body is reduced into even tinier pieces. At this point, you might as well just call a butcher to come pick up the mess, since there’s almost little that remains. Still, Denji’s clearly having too much fun with this whole ordeal, as you hear him scream “I'll make sure you never show your purple fucking face anywhere around here again!” before he breaks into a maniacal laughter.
And then all of a sudden, a third party joins the fray as a racing machine crashes into the building. Out of it somersaults Captain Falcon – wait, him too? Geez, guess Barney’s gotten on everyone’s nerves.
“TOOP! TOOP! TOOP! FALCONE... PAWNCH!!!!! YESZ!” With a mighty placement of his fist, Barney is quickly reduced to just a head and a very sliced up torso. Captain Falcon then does a salute, saying “Show me ya moves! ...Or don't. You are a abomination that must be cleansed of the earth by Captain Falcone!”
Then out of nowhere, you spot a smoothly animated walking star entering the room. He exclaims “Star Walker” before he just walks out, almost as quickly as he appeared. Something tells you that this… thing… is lethal to Barney, for some reason.
Before you can comprehend what just happened with that, Beast Megatron then picks up what remains of Barney, grasping his nephew’s neck as the purple dino struggles for air. You can almost hear him begging for mercy – but Beast Megatron has none to give.
“NO MORE PURPLE DINOSAUR! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
And with one final blast from his canon, Barney’s head is reduced to a gooey mess. Beast Megatron then drops what remains on the ground, leaving nothing but a headless, limbless, smoldering corpse. Beast Megatron simply grins even further, having achieved a personal victory beyond compare. True, it was not the end of the Beast Wars, nor was it the death of Optimus Prime he had planned for, but it was the end of the annoyance that everyone dared to compare him to. And now, such comparisons would end, lest they suffer the same fate.
Soon, a man in a red suit walks into the room, and it isn't Santa Claus. Quickly you know that Deadpool’s entered the fray.
“Yo, Rexy! Sorry I'm late! I just wanted in on the childhood-destroying action.”
Beast Megatron seems to pay the mercenary little mind. Still, he offers up a polite response, if nothing else because it was a shared goal. “You may do with Barney's corpse as you wish, yeeeeeessssss. Now, time to turn this asinine abode into a new base of Predacon operations, as promised.”
“Alright!” exclaims Deadpool, as he starts teabagging Barney’s corpse. Denji then reverts to his normal form and does the same, the two dancing with glee at being able to desecrate the fool in such a manner. Hell, if you weren’t so scared right now, you wish you could join them. Barney's health bar has been depleted.
—Victory Achieved—
Phew! Glad that’s over. And yet something’s missing. Ah, yes! The tropes! You decide now’s the time to at least look at them since you made it this far. Now that Barney was dead, you could read them in peace without having to hear his cloying voice. But Beast Megatron stands before you, a sharp glare in his optics.
“There shall be no tropes here, noooooooooo. I suggest you return to my own page for a much more intellectually stimulating read, yeeeeeessssssss.”
At this point, you figure it’s better not to add yourself to his murder list. You walk away, leaving Beast Megatron to begin his efforts to turn this junker of a house into a Predacon base. Hey, maybe they’ll finally make a new Beast Wars if it means getting rid of that doofus. Deadpool and Denji have gone out now, walking away no doubt to find the rest of Barney’s friends to add to the kill pile, and SpongeBob has finished packing away his brain and walked off. You simply shake your head, admitting today was an odd day. But yet, it feels good knowing you witnessed the end of that abomination, no matter how strange it was. You put your hands in your pockets and walk out the door, thinking happy thoughts, and feeling like this is the start of the best day of your life.
But little did anyone know that from this point on, nothing would be the same.
After the incident, Patrick finally crawled out of hiding, having witnessed the whole thing. He walked up to Barney’s remains, tears streaming down his eyes.
“Wh-why did he kill Barney?” Patrick then began to cry a river, traumatized from watching his new friend being so brutally murdered. Oh, Patrick, if you had any idea what people really thought of him. Still, for someone as childish as Patrick, watching Barney die would be like SpongeBob being fired from the Krusty Krab for the umpteenth million time because Krabs got cheap again.
If only Patrick could see that behind him, a dark and sinister figure manifested. He smelled of fire and brimstone, his teeth as sharp as jagged stones, his hair little more than a blue blaze. Yes, it was in fact Hades, Lord of the Dead – more specifically, the version from the Disney movie Hercules . But why was he here? Even he shouldn’t have an interest in Barney, right?
“Oy, one-side, tubby!” Hades then shoved Patrick out of the way as he and his two dimwitted minions, Pain and Panic, walked up to the purple remains. He snickered at the gruesome sight, exclaiming, “Wow, I knew this guy didn't have the guts to do anything, but looks like Megsy decided to make that obvious!” He then scoured the remains, and somehow found a soul within. Pulling it out, the soul that was once Barney looks at the Greek God, Hades offered up some words of encouragement for his soon-to-be minion.
“Come on there, big guy! Let's get you back to the old gates of Tartarus and prep you up for the next round of torment; I'm thinking this time we do the evil dictators of history section — boy those guys are gonna love your little cheesy antics! Leave the corpse, boys! Best to let any other schmuck the world despises know what'll happen if they try puttin' a page on this me-hole, amiright?”
And so Hades and his minions returned to the Underworld, content that now, he had the ultimate weapon of torture. But little did Hades know that from what remained of the dinosaur, others would soon discover they too had similar ideas of total preschool annihilation…
Notes:
This chapter is based on the instigating incident that started the whole fiasco, both in- and out-of-universe: Barney the Dinosaur getting a joke self-demonstrating page where he gets viciously murdered by other characters, leading to chaos in the fanfic world (starting a war between all the other characters) and in the real world (throwing the entire SDCP index into chaos and causing all sorts of new rules and moderation guidelines).
While interactions between characters from different universes are now forbidden on TV Tropes itself (due to falling under "original fiction"), one interaction had Mewtwo mistake Barney for a Miraidon.
We decided to make the original Starwalker lethal to Barney just because we thought it'd be funny. Stay tuned -- there's much, MUCH more of that to come.
Chapter 3: Dawn of Control
Summary:
Makima, the Control Devil, finds herself alive and well. She needs to make sense of this new world, and to do so, turns toward her fellow villains...
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
“Makima… open your eyes…”
What was this voice in her head?
“My child… Makima…”
The voice was unfamiliar, and yet at the same time… familiar. Sinister and commanding, but deep and fatherly. Soothing and reassuring, but at the same time with murderous, self-serving intent behind it.
“Rise, and fulfill your destiny as the Heir of Devils… ha ha ha ha… ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!”
As the voice in her head crescendoed into a full-throated evil laugh, it was with a sudden jolt that she awakened. In a dimly lit office in Tokyo, Japan, Makima, the Control Devil suddenly found herself back at Division 4 of the Public Safety Devil Hunters Bureau. A sense of weariness fell over her. It’s almost as if she’d been asleep.
No, that wasn’t it. She’d been dead.
It all came back to her. Denji – the host of her beloved Pochita – had killed her.
How? She couldn’t die. She was Control. She was the Horseman of Conquest. She had seen fit that nothing could kill her. If any harm was to come to her, some poor, random soul would suffer such a fate. It was part of her deal with the Prime Minister in exchange for her services. No Devil Contract could be broken.
She touched her arms, feeling as if something was missing. Then she realized Denji had managed to find a loophole. He used the Blood Devil Fiend’s own chainsaw to slice her into itty bitty pieces, then he took it upon himself to consume her. Not as Chainsaw Man, mind you, but as just plain old Denji – the scrawny, pathetic whelp she’d found in the streets, whom she’d groomed and manipulated into her pawn so she could reunite with her true lover from within. He, of all people, managed to find a way around the contract.
He knew he couldn’t consume her as Chainsaw Man; if he did, anything he took within himself would be erased from all of existence. This was her dream after all, to let Pochita consume her so she could finally be with him. And without her, there would be no control. Chaos would reign supreme. But instead, he had the indignity to deny her even that , instead eating her remains as his human self so “she could become part of him.” And with that, Makima ceased to exist. Gone was the woman who was the Control Devil, and instead came Nayuta, another troubled brat that refused to embrace her full powers because of Denji’s influence. And then she too, died, served up as a severed head and given to Denji in the same way he killed Makima.
Dying twice, each as a different person. And yet here she was, recalling all that has transpired to her. Not just as Makima, but as Nayuta. She took a deep breath, thinking back further.
Nothing. There was still a cloudiness within her mind.
Ping!
A message appeared on her computer. Curiosity got the better of her. She reached down and checked it. An email message? She clicked the link. Ahoy, me hearties! The Krusty Krab is servin’ up the new Krabby Kombo meal, only $5.99! Argh-argh-argh-argh!
Oh, another drivel advertisement from that brain-dead network , she thought. As a cinephile, she certainly had little time to bother with such nonsense.
Another ping! This time an email from… The Daily Bugle ? An advertisement from a Marvel Comic newspaper? And on the headline, it reads “Teenage Mystery Solvers Unmask The Chameleon”? She looks closer, and it has all the right names she would expect – the front page is written by J. Jonah Jameson (who, of course, is ranting about Spider-Man somewhere), the picture was explicitly taken by the usual Peter Parker – but these mystery solvers are four teenagers and a dog? The gang from Scooby-Doo ?
Now this was intriguing. Something in the back of her mind suggested that this may have just been a gag someone photoshopped and slapped on Deviantart. But her curiosity demanded she investigate further. Soon, she was seeing a whole slew of news articles that otherwise hadn’t been possible before; reports that a mysterious Dark Knight was spotted investigating a case in Tokyo about some mysterious being called Kira , a financial report from McDuck Enterprises, even pictures of some braggart wrestler named Scott Steiner trying to fight some hunk of muscle called the Hulk.
She put her fingers over her lips. This was no fever dream. No, something wonderful had happened – the worlds had merged into one.
And in doing so, she’d made her way back to life.
A sadistic smirk appeared over her face.
So, the worlds have become one. And in doing so, whatever fate Denji subjected to me has been undone. I wonder if that little pup is still wandering around somewhere. Imagine how surprised he’ll be to see me.
But locating Denji would have to wait. It was clear now that in this new world, there was a much greater risk. She knew that even with her Devil Contract with the Japanese Prime Minister now back in place, she needed allies – no, a new pack to serve at her whims. To enter into this realm would be a fool’s gambit if she didn’t have some backup plan. If Denji could find a loophole, she knew there were other powers out there that could potentially hurt, if not kill her.
But where to look?
Another ping showed up, delivering the answer she sought.
An invitation to Villain Con.
Something about this invite gave her mixed feelings. In the nearly 25-year limbo between her previous deaths and the present day, she had somehow acquired knowledge of the Despicable Me series, and considered it nothing more than cinematic junk food. The corporate feel, the multiple minion jokes, the fact that its protagonist was no longer a villain…but still, Villain Con, at least as far as she knew, was supposed to be the ultimate convention for current, former, and future evil-doers alike. And today, she had just been made a guest.
Dear Mees Makima , the letter started with. It has come to our attention that you, one of the greatest anime veelains of the modern generation, have yet to attend our prestigious convention. As such, it is my great pleasoor that you are to be invited Veelain Con, the biggest gathering of past and future evil-doers alike! We hope that you can take time out of your vory busy schedule to join us!
With regards,
Still the same old Gru, and with the same unusual accent, which he saw fit to write with for reasons unknown. But as long as there was an opportunity, she had never been one to pass up a chance to get new dogs for her to housebreak. Especially if she ran into those who would be willing to serve her for once. It would make things far easier if she had an army of innocents who would keep Denji from harming them, what with his precious morals…
One Day Later…
In sunny Orlando, Florida, Makima stepped off a plane at Orlando International Airport. It had been a long flight, but it was easy to get first class accommodations if you could be “persuasive” enough to the staff. At least a private jet could get her where she needed to go.
With a suitcase in hand, and with the blistering summer heat beating down on her, she strutted her way past curious onlookers and the wolf-whistling men catching a glimpse, while she ordered some Burger King and called for a taxi. The driver pulled up and she got in.
The driver asked, “Where to, Missy?”
“Villain Con,” replied Makima. She didn't know if this was supposed to be a secret event, and she didn't care. The chances of this driver driving off in any state to tell anyone weren't high anyway.
Within seconds, the driver stepped on the gas. He couldn’t help but be taken in by Makima’s beauty as she adjusted her makeup, doing his best not to let her looks take his eyes off the road. Her loosely braided auburn hair, piercing ringed yellow eyes, and delicate features made for a stunningly unforgettable visage. Trying to make conversation, he nervously asked the Control Devil, “So, uh…you attendin’ Villain Con, right? You a big fan of any of them?”
“You could say that.” She looked over the guest panel and saw a lot of familiar names – besides Gru, there was some hotheaded lord of the dead named Hades, a musical themed villain calling himself “The Music Meister”, Plankton, Bowser, some glitch named Spamton G. Spamton, Dr. Eggman, a K-Pop boy band known as the "Saja Boys", and a whole slew of other no-names she didn’t care about. But one in particular caught her eye…
“Hey, who can blame ya? They got a whole lot of heavy hitters out there. Me? If I wasn’t so busy gettin’ folks around, I’d go and check out that Monika chick they say’s gonna be there. Hoo-hoo, she’s a real tour-de-force, that one!” Clearly the driver had no idea who he was talking to.
Makima only shrugged. “Being murderously obsessed over one man is hardly enough to qualify as a tour-de-force. If anything, her ambitions are far too small.” Indeed, the person she hoped to meet was a man of far greater ambitions.
The driver just laughed. “Hehe, whatever you say, lady! We’re here by the way.” He drove the cab right to the front of a phone booth, which doubled as a secret entranceway into the con. He turned around and says “That’ll be $6.90.”
Makima just smirks. She looks at the man and says, “I doubt that.”
“What? Lady are you tryin’ to stiff –”
A chain flew into his forehead. Suddenly, he lost all will to do anything, except whatever Makima commanded of him.
“Now be a good dog and drive off. Then never come back. That’s an order.”
She stepped out of the cab and the driver did as he was told. As she sighed, glad to be rid of yet another mindless pest, she reached into her bag and pulled out a dog leash, followed by a sign that read “Will Step On You for 500 Yen” in Japanese. She soon walked to a rickety fishing shack. A southern-fried voice answered her on the rusty speaker.
"Welcome to Billy Bob's bait shop. How can I help-"
She sighed, remembering their silly password. "'I'm here for so much fun, it's a crime.' Now let me in before that crime becomes a crime against humanity."
"Hoo boy! Now that's what we like to hear!" The voice, who'd probably heard several flavors of the same threat today, opened the pedestrian entrance for Makima. She walked down a set of stairs into a massive convention center. And what she saw wasn’t at all what she expected.
Everywhere she looked, she saw effigies, statues, or posters of some of the most famous villains in pop culture history. Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort, Sauron, Maleficent, James Moriarity, Frieza, Sephiroth, Char Aznable, Gendo Ikari, Megatron – all there, hanging while people got their pictures taken with henchmen, buying villain-themed merchandise, having serial killers and murderers autograph pictures for kids and seniors alike. Evil scientists were nearby demonstrating their latest weapons, retired villains gave panels on advice to future evil doers, and some even did book signings for their latest autobiographies.
She felt somewhat confused. For a convention featuring villains, this felt a lot more like a typical meet and greet. She tried to ponder on it further, but was suddenly interrupted by a small, puppet-like man with a loud, obnoxious voice.
“HEY EVERY !! IT'S ME!!! EV3RY BUDDY 'S FAVORITE [[Number 1 Rated Salesman1997]] SPAMT- SPAMTON G. SPAMTON!!! WOAH! IF IT ISN''T A... [[Hochi Mama]]?! HEY-HE Y HEY!!! LOOKS LIKE I GOT THE [[Perfect Deal]] 4 YOU! TO ALL MY FELLOW [[Villians]], YOU CAN GET SPAMTON’S [Specil Fun Pak] FOR ONLY 342 KROMER!” Spamton pulled out a small sachet filled with assorted, cheaply-produced chintzy junk with his face and catchphrases on it. “IT’S FUN FOR THE ! BUY IT NOW OR YOU WILL [[Die]]. I’TS THAT SIMPLE! SO [[Hochi Mama]], ARE YOU GONNA USE THOSE [[Sweet Cheeks]] A’YOURS TO [[Hyperlink blocked.]]? JUST–”
Makima ignored Spamton’s deranged sales tirade as she continued onwards. Welp, if people are trying to hawk their wares here, maybe I should do the same, she thought to herself . She pulled out her leash and her sign, when a loud voice appeared over the loudspeaker.
"ATTENTION ALL VEELLAIN-CON ATTENDEES! THEES EES A FAMILY-FRIENDLY EVENT AND KEENK-RELATED ACTIVITIES ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE CONVENTION GROUNDS! WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION!"
She recognized that screechy Russian-ish voice as Gru’s. “Family-friendly?” she mumbled under her breath. Soon, one of Gru’s Minions grabbed her sign and tore it up. The little yellow mumbler then blew a raspberry her way before driveling into unintelligible gibberish. Something about her following con rules.
A sense of calm rage flew over her. She always hated those minions. Might as well take care of one of them. She aimed her finger at his body and pointed.
“BANG!”
He fell over – and started laughing? There was no pile of blood and guts on the floor. She tried again.
“BANG!”
Still nothing. He continued to giggle like he was being tickled. How is it still alive?!
Another BANG. Same result. The demoness was too fixated on figuring out why her lethal blast didn’t work to notice a small gaggle of pig-nosed goblins gathering around her and bowing to her, for some reason.
“Well, no point in bothering.” She decided it’d just be better to walk away, but then a loud voice called out. She turned around and saw Scott Steiner approaching her.
“WHO'S THAT FINE PIECE OF ASS IN THE SUIT?! HEY SWEETHEA-” (“BANG!")
Con-goers everywhere soon gasped in shock as what remains of the wrestler painted the floor and the walls. They soon realized that Makima, the dreaded Control Devil, was there. One kid even dropped his ice cream in abject terror. She stared at them all and said, “My, what a disrespectful creature you were, Mr. Steiner. Misbehaving dogs like you need to be housebroken .” A few of the more heartless villains – who happened to be attending this leisurely event – broke out in laughter at the gruesome sight. “Whatever lecherous comments you had for me were hardly worthy of any other response. I do apologize to everyone for the mess.” And without skipping a beat, she walked away, as a Minion janitor arrived, sighed heavily, and started to gather the pieces.
“Disgusting beast,” she muttered under her breath. Some men never change. They never did learn their place. She shook her head once more, perhaps hoping someone else would dare to push her buttons again. When suddenly…
“I'm the Music Meister! Greatest villain of them all!”
The singing…something about it started to annoy her. She pokes around a corner and saw a peculiar man dressed in a purple, musical themed suit. She’d heard of this Music Meister -- AKA Darius Chapel -- before, and his ability to control people through his singing, but something was clearly not working for him. The audience was booing, and everywhere she looked, she saw flying tomatoes. Clearly his powers had been weakened in this new world.
“LAAAAAAAAAME!” She looked out the corner of her eye and saw a tiny copepod hurling a tomato larger than his body at the Music Meister, all while he slipped into a mocking sing-song voice, imitating the Music Meister’s own tune half-heartedly. "I'm Sheldon J. Plankton! Your powers don't work in this world! I'm Sheldon J. Plankton! Your singing makes me hurl! "
The Music Meister cried out in pain. “OW! Would you stop throwing those at me! Ingrates!”
She happened to spot one of those tomatoes, and decided that singing of his was proving annoying. As the boos continued to grow louder, she grabbed the tomato, muttering to herself. “I appreciate your talent, but not your unwarranted arrogance.” She beaned him right in the face, amusing her even further as he cried out in pain. She started to laugh – something she had only very, very rarely done before, only once when laughing at the pain on poor Denji’s face after he had been forced to be complicit in the death of his best friend Power at her hands. Maybe this convention wasn’t a waste of time after all.
Suddenly, a giant cloud of smoke appeared on stage as Hades walked up. He then conjured another crate of tomatoes for the other villains, with "UNDERWORLD TOMATOES — GUARANTEED PUTRID OR YOUR DRACHMAS BACK!" written on the side in an angular, Greek-looking font.
“Oy, Mr. Showtunes. You might wanna turn it down a smidge. My minions are kvetchin' endlessly about all the extra work I’m makin’ ‘em put in at this convention, and I don't think they have it in 'em to write up "Pain 'n' Panic: The Musical!" for you right now. Or not make it a disaster, at least.”
Soon, out on stage danced Pain and Panic, Hades’ two dimwitted minions, wearing vaudeville outfits, clearly having been hypnotized by the malevolent maestro. The two of them began to belt out a tune, continuing from the Music Meister’s previous lines but with not nearly as much talent or wit.
“Oh mister / Music Meister / Your voice is so unique!”
“And that's why / We'll stick it in the head / Of each and every Greek!”
Hades just winced at the situation, saying, “...And now you know why they didn't give me a Villain Song.”
Music Meister just let out a weak laugh before being pulled off stage by a giant dancing cane. Hades turned to the audience and says, “Folks, what an act, eh? Just goes to show you why you shouldn’t skimp out on hirin’ Metallica.” Everyone laughed and applauded the Lord of the Dead, famous in the world of fictional villains for his charm, quick wit, and overall callousness.
Makima shook her head once more and decided to keep moving on. But then those two nimrods got in the way, each holding 500 yen in hand – or at least its equivalent in Ancient Greek coinage.
“Excuse me, miss”, said Pain. “Is this enough?”
Panic chimed in. “Yeah! Would you do us the honor!”
“We don’t mind! We’re used to being stepped on!”, said Pain.
The two of them transformed into a combined footstool, with a big smile eagerly awaiting Makima to step on them. She just rolled her eyes, but money is money. Before she could do that, however, a grey hand grabbed her arm.
“Ah, ah, ah!” She turned around and came face-to-face with Hades. “Sorry, missy, but these minions of mine are bound to an exclusive contract – nobody manhandles them except me.”
Makima’s face started to grow displeased. “Release my hand.”
Hades did so, if only because he felt an opportunity coming. “Yeah, whatever you say, sugar. Anyhoo, name’s Hades, Lord of the Dead, hi how ya doin’?” He reached out his hand, but she just stood there in dead silence.
“Not much of a talker, are ya? Hey, that’s fine, I can work with that. So, babe – can I call ya, babe? – how’s the old villain con treatin’ ya? Real swanky place, isn’t it?”
Makima just scoffed. “It’s far from what I expected.”
Hades laughed. “Yeah, I know. Mr. Showtunes ain’t exactly Frank Sinatra. Guy goes up thinkin’ he can brainwash those schmoes in the audience, but those pipes of his aren’t up to snuff like they used ta be.”
“Or simply because the world has deemed him a joke,” said Makima.
Hades bawled out in laughter. “HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, you crack me up! Babe, seriously, love the sense of humor. Say, why don’t we just skip the usual business and cut to the chase. I’m hostin’ me a new minions recruitment panel – just scored myself some big purple doofus – and I’d like you to be the guest of honor. After that, I’m thinkin’ we hit up some Italian joint; there’s this place across the street I heard has real class.”
Makima scoffed once again. Another man trying to hit on her. Typical. “You misunderstand me, Lord Hades. I have no interest in fulfilling your romantic desires.”
“Woah, woah!”, Hades exclaimed. “Romantic? Babe, you wanna go down that route, how’s about we at least have ourselves a few trips out on the town first, eh? We get to know each other, we hit it off, we dance, we kiss, we schmooze, come on, what do you say?”
“I would say you need to be HOUSEBROKEN.” She unleashed a chain at Hades, jabbing it right into his forehead. But the Lord of the Dead simply stood there, unamused. At first…
“Hey, nice parlor trick there, but…wait a minute…are you–”
“The Control Devil. And you, Lord Hades, are nothing.” She then slammed another chain into his head, but he still didn’t do anything. She was a little taken aback at first – no one should be able to resist her chains! Not unless he had strong enough of a will. But still, Hades started to feel a little uneasy nonetheless.
“Oy…it’s really you…you actually made the trip. Well, I uh–”
“Don’t bother thinking on the matter further. It clearly hasn’t obtained you the throne to Olympus, and it won’t obtain you the means to my respect. I’ve seen better schemes from that petulant Cartman child, and he has no excuse for his actions.”
Makima walked away, strutting as she left Hades stunned at her words.
In his anger, he blew up and burned the footstool that was Pain and Panic into ashes.
“THAT LITTLE MINX! WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?!” Pain and Panic started to regenerate as they tried to avoid getting hit by another fire blast, but were instead run over by a yellow bucket being driven by a purple dinosaur.
Barney danced out in glee. “Mr. Boss Man! I found a new friend!” He wheeled up the bucket, which carried the remains of Scott Steiner. Hades looked at him with some concern.
“Uh, okay?” Hades looked more confused than ever. “Where in the me’d ya get this goop?”
“I found it outside the bathrooms! It had all sorts of fun stuff in it!” He showed Hades his hands, now covered in Scott Steiner goop and blood. Even Pain and Panic looked disgusted at it. “Let’s use our imagination to find some fun stuff to do with it! That’ll be super-de-duper!”
Hades wasn’t sure how to make this situation out, but he saw a set of damaged chainmail inside the bucket. He quickly recognized this as Makima’s handiwork, and got a devious idea.
Clasping his hands, he grabbed the remains and pulled out Scott Steiner’s soul. He then spoke to the soul. “Well Scottie, I'm surprised it took you this long to talk up the wrong chick, and it looks like you got Ms. Control Freak herself to make ya a smear on the wall. Not the bang you were expecting, eh Casanova?”
Scott’s soul seemed to perk up slightly.
“Here's what's happening: I’m bringin’ ya back, no strings attached. I'll be blunt: I can't possibly have you stuck in my underworld with all the yelling and the swearing, alright? It's too much! I mean, guy's gotta sleep, and I can't afford soundproofing. I'll just hire you on for nightly wrestling matches. You can fight whoever you want, no-holds-barred; I'm talking total chaos, big sell-out crowds, lots of undead freaks for ya. Ya did something like that back in the 90s, didn't ya?”
Scott’s soul nodded in affirmation while his remains still stood there in the bucket, motionless.
Hades continued his sales pitch. “Besides, if the Control Devil killed ya, it means it'll really annoy her to see you again, and that's just friggin' hilarious to me!”
Scott’s soul seemed to respond by yelling, but was unable to make a sound.
“Okay, back to life ya go!”
The remains of Scott Steiner reassembled themselves back into that mass of muscle he once was. “HELL YEAH! THE BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY'S GONNA MAKE THAT SUIT BITCH’S LIFE A LIVIN' HELL FOR POPPING ME OFF! WATCH OUT CONTROL DEVIL, CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO FRANKENSTEIN YOUR ASS RIGHT BACK TO HELL!”
Barney did a little happy dance. “Oh boy! Now I have two new friends! Let’s all sing the happy –”
Before he could speak further, he got splattered into a pile of blood and guts that fell into the bucket, essentially trading places with the raucous wrestler. Pain and Panic noticed that they were just outside the Grinch’s Q&A panel, “How I Stole Christmas – And Gave It Back!”. They looked on in terror as they spotted a familiar, star-like creature with grumpy eyes in the extremely long queue for the panel, having eviscerated Barney simply by being in the same room as him. For some reason.
“This line is Pissing me off... I'm the original Starwalker”
A blue, silly-looking nobleman next to the original Starwalker groaned. “Prithee! Yon patience weareth very thin. Feare not, for we shalt obtain Fronte-Row Seatse to Ye Mean One’s talk-eth! GEH HA HA HA!”
The original Starwalker replied to Rouxls Kaard’s pompous tirade with a simple “K”.
Pain and Panic screamed in frustration, knowing they had to put that dope back together again. Then, the janitor minion showed up and grabbed the bucket, forcing the two to give chase.
Rolling her eyes, the Control Devil then began to hear music coming from a set of loudspeakers -- but this was much catchier and better-written than... whatever Pain and Panic came up with on the spot under the Music Meister's influence.
"You're my soda pop, my little soda pop / Cool me down, you're so hot, pour me up, I won't stop..."
She turned and noticed that the Saja Boys had a booth set up. Manning the booth were the meek Baby Saja, the heartthrob Romance Saja, the swole Abby Saja, and the shaggy-haired Mystery Saja -- all soul-eating demons in disguise. Yet, their lead vocalist, Jinu, was nowhere to be seen; in fact, the booth sported a promotional photo of the group, but with Jinu replaced with a silhouette of himself with the caption "THIS COULD BE YOU!"
Yes, after their leader pulled a "redemption equals death" moment, the Saja Boys were scouting out new talent at Villain-Con to find a new front man. Makima could see Baby and Romance talking to each other and pointing at her, all while the Music Meister found himself punted from the booth (yeah, there's a reason we mentioned him again). The purple flame that at first appeared to be the booth's decor then flared up and started to bellow, vaguely assuming the shape of a mouth:
"I repeat myself, Darius Chapel, you are clearly not Saja material. Let this be the last time you hear this from me, or else..."
"JUST HIRE ME, GWI-MA!" the green-clad maestro screamed. "I once took over the entire world with my music, like so:"
As the Music Meister prepared to overpower the Saja Boys' greatest hits with his own hypnotic melody, Gwi-Ma launched a fireball at the singing villain before he could even open his mouth, causing him to run around and scream in pain. Makima merely shrugged and casually used her powers of control on Mystery Saja. "Be a good boy and keep me in the loop. That's an order," she told the idol as a chain appeared in his forehead and he began to bark like a dog (which was hardly unusual for him).
With a possible new minion in tow down the line, Makima continued to hum "Soda Pop" to herself (it really was that catchy) as she moved along. Soon, she heard the familiar sound of breathing – her target was close. She walked through a large, childish structure that resembled a Mister Rogers’s Neighborhood set, knocking on the door. An odd-looking man in a red sweater named Bray Wyatt opened the front door and looked upon Makima. Not a sound could be heard in the Fun House and not one word was exchanged between her and Bray as they stared at one another, Makima smiling serenely while Bray's expression remained hard to read. The lights in the Fun House suddenly went out, quickly replaced by a blood red hue that coated the Fun House set, the camera panning away from Makima to show that Bray was fully replaced by an evil entity known only as The Fiend.
No, not a Fiend like the ones Makima was familiar with; The Fiend.
Static interference started to cover the TV screens in the room as a high-pitched ringing sound echoed through the Fun House. The Fiend and Makima didn’t dare break off eye contact, as if waiting for the other to strike first. Makima's eerily calm expression never once faltered. The ringing became increasingly more ear splitting, the static covering more and more of the screens. Then suddenly...the Fun House returned to normal. The Fiend was no longer present. Instead, Bray was facing the audience, sporting a smile that conveyed the farthest thing from joy. Makima was nowhere to be seen by them, as if their confrontation never happened.
Makima continued to walk, unfazed by…whatever the hell that was. Soon, she stood before a tall figure, clad in a black suit of armor, his face obscured by a fearsome mask.
Yes, she now stood before Darth Vader himself.
The Galactic Empire had set up a booth at Villain Con, intent on recruiting people from Earth into their ranks. Stormtroopers were walking everywhere, Imperial officers were answering questions, and somehow, Director Orson Krennic had been brought back from his grisly demise at the hands of the First Death Star. It seems this new reality was a lot more generous to certain folks, just like her. Nonetheless, her gaze was held upon the Dark Lord of the Sith. She sensed he didn’t really want to be here; no doubt his master, Emperor Palpatine, had sent him to this place as an abject humiliation. Just like in the old Legends .
“Darth Vader…” Makima said, her stoic demeanor barely concealing the fact that inside, she was having a little bit of a geek-out standing face-to-face with cinema’s greatest villain. “As a cinephile myself, I'm in awe. I believe we may have met before via the medium of card battle games. Truly a legend in your own right, nearly as deserving of my respect as Chainsaw Man himself. If I can conquer you, you’d prove to be an enforcer unlike any other.”
Vader sensed a familiarity in her too. A kindred spirit perhaps? No, this was the Control Devil. He had only very briefly encountered her on an impersonal basis when summoned for battle in the realm of Weiss Schwarz, but had only ever caught passing glimpses of her and her world. Palpatine had warned him that the worlds had merged, having sensed it through his own connections to the Dark Side. She was just one of many possible threats to the Empire, as she too was a woman of ambition – of absolute control you might say. Still, her presence left him curious. If she was here now, she may yet be of use to him.
From his mask spoke a booming, bass voice. “Young woman, my loyalty is to the Emperor... but I hate the man and wish to overthrow him. Perhaps you may prove to be more beneficial to my ultimate ambitions, Control Devil. But for now, you shall prove to me if you are truly worthy of my consideration!” Within seconds, he ignited his famous red lightsaber, slicing at her arm. Makima was almost amused…almost, as she emerged completely unscathed. Meanwhile, back in Japan, a random Japanese citizen suddenly lost his arm as he cried out in pain at his missing appendage, screaming at the gaping wound. He had no idea that Makima’s Devil Contract with the Japanese Prime Minister meant there was almost nothing that could harm her permanently, and any harm she did sustained fell on some sap like him.
Vader’s expression, though unseen, was no doubt one of shock that his weapon did no damage. Makima smirked, knowing that the Sith were unaware of her contract, or of the nature of Devils in general. Still, she’d seen enough. She knew what he truly wanted, and that’s all she needed. She respectfully bowed before Vader. “Thank you for your time, Lord Vader. We shall meet again.” She then walked away, leaving Vader pondering on what just happened. Even as a group of kids gathered around to take pictures with him, he started to think.
She cannot be harmed so easily? Impossible. No one can…no…no one except her can resist it. Perhaps she may be worth keeping an eye on.
Vader’s thoughts then turned to that dark day; the day he was transformed into this monstrosity. All he had known was gone – the Jedi Order, his brothership with Obi-Wan Kenobi, his Padawan (at least as far as he knew at the time), his wife…his child. Palpatine had manipulated him into ensuring it all happened, and he had nothing left but a broken body, trapped within this suit for the rest of his unnatural life. He couldn’t forgive himself for what he had done, but he especially couldn’t forgive what Palpatine had done to him. So he embraced the monster within the armor, knowing that in due time, he would gain enough strength to make his master pay for his sins. And this latest farce, this “Villain Con”, was just one of many. For too long, Palpatine had been aggrandizing himself across the galaxy, carrying out ruthless acts of aggression to satisfy his own ego, rather than actually bothering to run the Empire.
Perhaps it is she who is the key to my revenge.
Meanwhile, Makima’s joy at encountering Vader quickly wore itself off. She soon sat down on a bench near some of the meet-and-greet booths. Her gaze looked upon many of the other villains present, and none of them impressed her. Here they all were signing autographs and merchandise rather than actually going out to conquer the world! It was even more pathetic than she thought; no wonder Vader was displeased about being sent to such a place.
Nearby, she could hear the familiar voice of Felonius Gru giving a panel. That thick…Russian, she thought? Yeah, Russian-esque. That thick Russian-esque accent was babbling about his deeds as a villain before he retired and became an agent for the Anti-Villain League. And people actually liked this? This new world had truly made a mockery of villainy.
But soon, another voice caught her attention. She turned towards one of the booths and saw a large, purple-colored robot – the Predacon Megatron. Now there was one of the few villains worthy of her respect. He was a true schemer, and a being who saw humanity for what it was – weak, and in need of control. She honed in and heard one of the con-goers asking him a question.
“Mr. Megatron, is it true you killed Barney?”
Wait, Barney? That stupid purple dinosaur? The one who was calling Hades "Mr. Boss Man" for some reason?!? Suddenly, Makima had a horrific realization: if all the worlds merged, then that means…
A thought of disgust entered her mind. Preschool shows , she thought. If there was ever a lower form of life, it was those. What were they for? Nothing but mindless drivel meant to get kids to beg their parents to buy boatloads of merchandise. And even if they were more “educational”, what good were they? Actually teaching kids to think for themselves rather than accepting a proper form of authority? The very idea made her sick. As a child, she had been exposed to that asinine Anpanman cartoon enough to make anyone hurl. To think there were children being raised on it! And to make things worse, she soon saw on her phone that her worst fears were right. There were advertisements on social media encouraging visitors to visit Lazy Town, the Island of Sodor, Barney’s – oh wait, nevermind on that one; the ad now said “Now under Predacon management” – and then Sesame Street. Her eyes scowled with fury at the worst of them.
But her scowl was momentarily distracted when Megatron finally spoke to the con goer. “The rumors are indeed true. I was responsible for putting an end to that pathetic excuse for a creature, yeeeeeees. And it was glorious, right down to the final shot. Let this be a lesson for you, young would-be-evildoer. If you bear witness to something truly weak and pathetic, you must not tolerate its existence, nooooooooo. Destroy it, end its pathetic life, and show that you will not let fools be fools in your new empire.”
So he really did do it. Megatron put an end to that moron. She didn’t know whether to applaud him or thank him for it, seeing as that respect for him didn’t extend to inviting him in on her plans. Makima couldn’t trust him, after all.
“So that second-rate Saurian schemer saw fit to put that purple pile of patheticness out of his misery?” called out a raspy voice. She turned and saw it was coming from a portly man with a thick, bushy mustache, whom she recognized as Doctor Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik. “Well, it’s about time! I was wondering when someone would get around to putting that brainless sack of polyester out of existence!”
“Hey, Stachey,” she heard Plankton calling out from the booth next to him, “If you wanted that idiot gone, how come you didn’t bother puttin’ a laser beam between those dumb eyes of his?”
Eggman just groaned. “If you must know, I wasn’t going to bother with such nonsense! I have far more important schemes to worry about than the mass-extermination of those idiots! Matter of fact, I was going to try and roboticize Sesame Street once upon a time; get rid of those mediocre Muppets and make them my minions. It could have helped me turn those children into my loyal slaves without me having to lift a finger! Alas, that went rather poorly thanks to that pesky hedgehog…”
Plankton’s single eye lit up with glee. A lightbulb appeared over his head as he turned to his computer wife, Karen. “Ooh! Now there’s an idea! Take notes, Karen, take notes!” Karen started jotting the idea down in her memory banks.
But Makima, too, overheard the conversation.
“Hmph. Roboticizing them. Far from a perfect solution, wouldn't you say?” She soon got up and uttered to herself, “I think we need something a lot more permanent.” As she started walking, she once again gazed upon Darth Vader, still left in thought from their earlier encounter. In her mind, she thought Soon, my hound. Very soon.
She exited from the secret entrance, and flagged down another cab. As she got in, she uttered, “Bring me back to the airport. I think it’s time I teach some certain creatures a lesson they won’t soon forget…”
Notes:
The one virtue that TV Tropes offered during the Self Demonstrating Page days is that when a dead character was given a page, it effectively "brought them back to life". As such, it didn't take much effort to show them as returning from the grave to interact with one another. Alas, thanks to some certain "moderators", the exile forced us to get creative -- and that's where VillainCon came in. The page of Felonius Gru was where such a con took place, and until Mister No Fun and his gang of "nerds" scrubbed it, the whole joint was basically a baddie's big hangout. Hence, when we needed to show our illustrious Control Devil returning from her gruesome demise (having a small bit role in that original draft), out came the con.
Oh, hope you don't have "Soda Pop" stuck in your head, by the way. K-Pop Demon Hunters coming out gave our little fic something "Golden" as it were... - chris4449
Chapter 4: The Sesame Sieges
Summary:
Multiple villains attempt to destroy or conquer Sesame Street -- resulting in a major shake-up to the galaxy's power hierarchy.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
New York City, New York – the Big Apple itself. Far be it from this place to not have a multitude of pop culture legends at their disposal, be it legendary superheroes, heroes in a half shell, ghostbusting boys in beige, and many more in between. But in one part of the city, there was a truly magical place called Sesame Street.
Ok, maybe “magical” is a bit strong of a word, but there was no denying that it was special to many. Several years ago, a man named Jim Henson helped to build it, wanting to give a safe space for an unusual group of creatures called “Muppets” to have a home of their own. For this act of kindness, they took it upon themselves to start providing a place for kids to learn and grow; not to hawk merchandise or tell watered-down stories, but to be a place where everyone could feel welcome, accepted, and most importantly, be prepared for the lives they would soon be facing when they grew up.
Yes, sir, Sesame Street was probably one of the crown jewels of New York, and there was little reason to doubt that claim. These cheery characters like Big Bird, Grover, Cookie Monster, and everyone in between made kids feel happy, and more importantly, made them feel like they belonged. Several folks from big name celebrities like James Earl Jones and heroes like beloved Rebel Alliance icons like C-3PO and R2-D2 have been among the lucky guests to stop by.
Sadly, the street wasn’t quite the same anymore. There was a particular group of Muppets who left town many years ago, as a frog named Kermit got the idea for them to take to the stage and put on their own show, well before Disney took them under their care, and couldn’t bring their friends from back home with them. One of the street’s most beloved residents, Mister Hooper, died years ago, and Jim Henson himself had long since passed. One Muppet, Elmo’s cousin Warmbo, was never welcomed by the residents of the Street for his disruptive behavior, and was exiled to a certain news studio where he quickly took an interest in milquetoast both sides-ism. But it was safe to say Henson’s legacy lived on, as Sesame Street was still beloved around the world by everyone.
Well, almost everyone.
When the worlds merged, many of the villains quickly got wind of the street’s existence. To them, it was nothing but a vile, saccharine stain on the planet; yet another example of how humanity was wasting its time with childish pursuits, and thus worth conquering for their own ends. And as the oldest example of these preschool programs, it was also the biggest target. Before the merger, nobody bothered to try, save for a visit from The Wicked Witch of the West herself, and her presence was a mere accident of her dropping her broom. Then again, by today’s standards, she is pretty tame compared to what was to come next.
For now that the worlds had merged, and word of Beast Megatron’s slaughtering of Barney had reached the highest echelons of villainy, Sesame Street was ripe for the taking.
It was just another Tuesday when (surprise, surprise), Eric Cartman dropped by the street, having landed there after his “flight” from the Krusty Krab. Immediately, he recognized his surroundings and grew disgusted. Swearing up a storm that would make even a sailor blush, his loudmouth antics drew the attention of Big Bird, who emerged from his nest to see the little boy throwing a tantrum.
Big Bird was quick to utter a warning to his friend. “Guys! We have a visitor! And I don’t think he means well!”
The other denizens started getting out of their homes to check out the commotion. Most of them had no idea why this boy was out swearing in the middle of the street, but soon, recognition of him fell over their faces. Elmo, one of the street’s younger residents, quickly wreathed in horror when he recalled Cartman from an earlier incident.
“Oh no, this kid!”, cried out Elmo. “This is the one kid that Elmo hates! He's red just like Elmo, but is smelly, rude, nasty, says lots of bad words, and he hates Elmo right back!”
“Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!” screamed Grover. “This is bad. This is very, very bad. We can’t have naughty kids like him here on Sesame Street if they aren’t even going to learn from their mistakes!”
“Elmo's daddy already filed a restraining order against him, banning him from Sesame Street!”, Elmo added. “But this kid… he just disobeyed it and showed up anyway!”
With the screams of terror coming from the little red muppet, Cartman was quick to respond. “Yeah, well I don't want yew anywhere near me either! I fuckin' hate Sesame Street ! And it also seriousleh pissed me off when all those zombie shoppers mobbed the mall to get that "Stop Touching Me Elmo" doll of yours when we were playing fantasy games. Kids should be watching my show instead. It'll teach them all the right stuff!”
“You’re wrong, little boy!”, responded Big Bird. “We can’t have kids watching your grown-up cartoon with lots of swearing and nasty jokes! It’ll seriously mess up their education and development!”
Cartman just flipped the bird at Big Bird, not caring about what the child-like ornithoid thought. He tossed him a Stop Touching Me Elmo doll from his world, which immediately began to act appropriately towards Big Bird.
“Have you ever been tickled on the inside?”, the bootleg Elmo doll asked as it touched Big Bird suggestively. The bird screamed and threw the doll onto the street.
Cartman was about to let out another crass remark when a taxi drove up and almost ran him over (but thankfully did run over the Stop Touching Me Elmo). As he ducked for a nearby staircase, Makima emerged from the taxi. As she stepped out, a look of disgust ran over her face, her eyes glaring in rage. She gazed upon Elmo directly, sending shivers down his spine.
The Cookie Monster, who was trying to eat a cookie, dropped it out of his mouth in shock.“Oh no! Me see another nasty villain making her way toward us!”
Elmo was quick to recognize this new arrival. He screamed out in terror. “AAAAAAAA! Now Nasty Lady is here too! Keep Nasty Lady away from Elmo!”
“Well well, what do we have here,” Makima purred confidently as she made her way onto the asphalt. “Originally I wanted to obliterate Anpanman’s world, but I figured it’d make a much bigger impression to think more… globally. ”
“What the fuck is an Anpanman? Some kinda Chinpokomon?”, Cartman muttered from wherever he was hiding.
“Who that?” asked Cookie Monster.
“It’s Nasty Lady!”, Elmo replied. “Nasty Lady is a mean lady from Japan! She’s red just like Elmo, but Nasty Lady is so scary and dangerous! Even scarier than Huxley and Ronald Grump! Now Elmo can't decide if Nasty Lady or Nasty Kid is worse!”
“But Ronald Grump pretty bad himself…” replied Cookie as he nervously binge-munched on his stash of chocolate chip cookies. “How can someone be even worse?”
Makima simply smirked and elicited a minor giggle. “Oh, Elmo, Elmo, Elmo. Your pathetic little show has played too much of a role in teaching kids around the world basic skills and learning to think for themselves. In my ideal world, kids should be raised and treated like puppies, and housebroken appropriately. Blind obedience is the only way. I can't afford to have any more of the world's children to be free thinkers.”
The Control Devil lifted up her finger, aiming it right at Elmo. The time had come for her to unleash a total genocide upon Sesame Street. And this time, no one was going to stop her. Hell, the world would be sure to thank her when it was wiped off the map, and the fear of Control would be instilled into the hearts of millions.
Cartman actually started to grow excited. “Oh man,” he exclaimed, “This is gonna be good. Ah’ll get meh Cheesy Poofs.”
BANG!
But before anyone could be splattered into pieces, the blast bounced off…a chainsaw? To her shock, Makima soon discovered Chainsaw Man was standing right before her. And not her beloved, monstrous, black fleshy Chainsaw Man – the red, metallic Chainsaw Man that she hated. The boy, Denji. No, it’s too soon , she thought. He couldn’t have known I was alive! Still, she hid this fact rather well by her cold, calculated demeanor.
Chainsaw Man glared at her with a cold, icy stare. “Ms. Makima...how the fuck are you still alive?!”
She simply waved off the notion. “Hello, Denji. It’s good to see you.”
“Don’t start the polite bullshit with me! I always knew you were a sick fuck, but I didn't know that you were THIS much of a sick fuck!!!”
“Oh, Denji, I can explain. Perhaps you can join me at my place for some tea and cookies?”
Cookie Monster, cowering in the corner, would normally perk up at the mere mention of his signature favorite food, but was too shaken to even think about it.
Denji was unconvinced and continued to glare at his former abuser with a rage unlike any other. “I remember every fucking thing you did to me and my life, you BITCH!!! I don't even like Sesame Street myself, but you must be a special kind of monster if you want to deprive kids everywhere of the wonderful childhood that I never got to have! Now this time, I’m gonna make sure I finish the job right!”
Chainsaw Man then unleashed his chains at Makima, grabbed her, and dodged the hell out of there. He had to take her down, sure, but he wasn’t gonna do it there. Not in front of innocent kids. And so he pushed her as far away from Sesame Street as he could take her. The further out of sight she got, the deeper the sighs of relief were among the Muppets.
“FUCK! I was just about to declare trucies with the entire ginger race! If only that chainsaw dude didn't stop their Queen Bitch from finally destroying Sesame Street! I never knew someone with chainsaws coming out of his body could be so unkewl.”
Oh, right. Cartman was still here. And soon, he was joined by another denizen of his hometown, Butters Stotch, who somehow managed to find him all the way out here. “But I like Sesame Street…”, exclaimed the boy.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP BUTTERS!”
But his words fell on deaf ears as the other residents just decided the best thing they could do was ignore him. No sense in feeding his ego by paying attention. As they left Cartman screaming in anger, Oscar the Grouch decided that enough was enough. He couldn’t stand these villains deciding to bother his home, let alone his friends. As he dove into the trash can and started digging out whatever materials he could find to build a magic barrier to keep the villains out, he started writing one of the most strongly worded letters he’d ever written.
Wow... Just wow. I never thought we'd meet anyone who'd make me look like a nice guy, but here we are. You're a monster. And I don't mean a Monster monster. You're an absolutely horrid person for trying to... just... end everyone and everything on Sesame Street. I wish we could defend ourselves, but "kid-friendly" and all that. Speaking of which, you went after us because you knew that we couldn't fight back. You thought we were an easy target! But in the end, you're just a big ol' scaredy-cat. So I'm just glad that there are good people out there willing to do the dirty work for us. And I don't mean "dirty" as in the garbage that I love so much. I may be the quintessential Grouch, but in the end, seeing kids smile, and seeing all my friends smile, is what makes me happy. You don't find ANY joy in making others happy. You just want to suck all the life, joy and freedom out of everything to turn everyone into your puppets, doing everything you want exactly how you want it. Just in case you get any funny ideas, I've rigged a magic Grouch fence around all of Sesame Street so that if you, and only you (and that pottymouthed kid) ever try to set foot on Sesame Street again, you'll be sent straight to the Grouchland dump. Heh, it's not the best solution ever, but it'll do for now. So, "Miss Makima", I'm gonna tell you this with the utmost sincerity: SCRAM!!!
For the next several minutes, Oscar spent his time putting up the fence, tuning it to make sure Makima couldn’t come back. Once he got it running, it immediately sucked Cartman into a portal down into the Grouchland Dump, never to set foot in Sesame Street again. Oscar was proud of this little contraption of his. It wasn’t much, but it got the job done. “Heh heh heh…” He then rolled up his letter and sent it through a mail chute to seemingly nowhere, knowing that whatever Grouch magic he used ensured that it’d end up in Makima’s mail slot. Though something told him this was far from over – maybe he should call up those superheroes that live next door and ask them to swing by just in case.
His suspicions were confirmed correct, for within minutes, a tiny little copepod with a big mouth walked in on the scene.
“Oh, COME ON!!! I already had robot versions of all of you felt freaks ready so that I could make a new Sesame Street that'd teach kids how to worship me and steal the Krabby Patty formula!”
The cry once again came from Sheldon J. Plankton, no doubt trying to follow up on where his friend Dr. Eggman’s plan had earlier failed. He soon pulls out a loudspeaker.
“Attention Sesame Street freaks!”, he yelled as loud as he could. “Come out here and face my wrath!”
The denizens once again turned, but couldn’t find the little guy. But Elmo saw him, and panic once again set in.
“AAAAAAAAAAA! It’s Bug Guy! He’s another bad guy and he’s tiny and scary, but not as scary as Nasty Lady or Nasty Boy. But Bug Guy wants to replace Elmo with a robot Elmo! That's REALLY scary!”
Plankton just chuckled. “Well, that's just too bad I guess, Pipe-Cleaner Boy! Wendy over here kinda missed the mark, so I guess I'm gonna have to replace you all with brute force! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Plankton pushed a button and a robotic Elmo came to life. The rotten duplicate then started to spout out programmed nonsense from Plankton’s long list of preprogrammed propaganda.
“Elmo loves Plankton. Plankton loves you. You will all steal the Krabby Patty secret formula. You will give the formula to Elmo's friend Plankton. All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton. All hail Plankton.”
Robot Elmo started to fire Frickin' Laser Beams from his eyes, causing the real Elmo as he ran away from his robotic duplicate. Thinking quickly, Oscar ran to his magical Grouch fence, then adjusted it to deal with Plankton and the robotic duplicate. The faux Elmo and his microscopic creator got sucked into the Grouchland Dump. Oscar breathed a sigh of relief at having solved that problem. But he soon saw that the other residents were starting to get more and more tired. That made three attacks in the last several minutes, and they were all starting to get very scared. Not one of them was used to being targeted by truly nasty individuals like these. He could hear Grover exclaim, “I am very, very, very scared and tired. Why do all the bad guys want to put us in danger all of a sudden?” If only they knew about what happened to old Barnabas…
But their troubles were far from over. Soon enough, Old Bray Wyatt walked out, acting all innocuous. Even so, the Muppets knew there was trouble brewing.
“That’s FOUR!,” exclaimed Count Von Count. “FOUR villains come to terrorize us!”...he exclaimed, surprisingly not letting out his trademark laugh. “This is no laughing matter. Never in my un-life have I found counting to be so joyless!” Indeed, the Count was correct. Wyatt was staring at Elmo, who at this point was about to pass out from all the shock he’d been exposed to.
“Oh no! It's Big Sweater Guy! Big Sweater Guy is even scarier than Nasty Lady and Nasty Boy!”
Bray spoke out in a calm, cheery, but strangely uncanny voice. “Don't worry, little Elmo! I'm not here to scare you! I'm just here to make sure you can visit the Fun House too, but in a way that fits with your schedule!”
Bray pulled out a ratty-looking Elmo puppet as canned "oohs" and "aahs" play. As if the stiff, robotic Elmo weren’t enough, this phony was even more unsettling to the real thing, looking all ragged and beaten up. The Demonic Elmo then began to speak. “Elmo wants you to remember what Uncle Bray says. When Bray says LET ME IN , you shall. Elmo loves the Fun House. Elmo loves the Fireflies. Elmo loves Uncle Bray, and always obey when Bray tells you to LET ME IN .”
Elmo ran away screaming at the sight of his possessed duplicate. It didn’t last long, thankfully, since both Bray and the Demonic Elmo got sucked into the Grouchland Dump when Oscar once again adjusted the fence. His brow furled as he eventually reached a boiling point.
“THAT’S IT! I’m tired of these lousy bad guys coming around and trying to hurt us!” the Grouch jeered. “What sort of sick person gave them this idea?!”
As if right on cue, a newspaper blew in from the Daily Bugle , having gotten lost in the wind. Grover picked it up and held it for the others to read. As they peered at the headline, it soon became obvious why the villains had suddenly gotten an interest in destroying them.
BARNEY IS DEAD! Predacon Leader Megatron eviscerates the infamous purple dinosaur.
The picture then showed Megatron proudly standing atop Barney’s corpse, holding what little remained of his “nephew”. The other Muppets gasped in shock, unaware that in a separate byline, there was an ad taken out by Hades describing how he had hired the doofus as his new minion, and even further down the article, further threats were made against their fellow preschool shows.
Big Bird was the first to react. “Oh my gosh! That robot really did something so awful?!”
“Indeed, Big Bird!,” said Count Von Count. “ONE! ONE dead purple dinosaur, and the other villains want to do the same to us!”
Oscar’s brow furled even deeper now. “Oh, that’s real original! I’ve seen it all before; some kid gets this silly idea for us kid-friendly types to get wiped out by these more violent guys because he thinks it’s funny. It’s just like Makima; they’re all bullies!”
"Wait, wait!", interrupted Elmo. "The chainsaw guy just saved us from Nasty Lady, but it says here that he also helped get rid of Barney." Elmo pointed to a picture in the article that showed Chainsaw Man tearing into the purple dinosaur. "Elmo's really confused..."
"Well...", mused Oscar, "ya see, grown-ups recognize us as a cultural institution and want to protect us, but they HATE Barney. You'll understand when you're older. Heck, it was even an entire INDUSTRY back in the '90s!" Oscar then pulled out a "The Jihad to Destroy Barney" role-playing game from his collection of assorted garbage. Someone had clearly grown bored of the campaign after the anti-Barney fad period had ended. "I think it was pretty darn nasty for them to help that evil robot kill Barney, but I can at least see why there's a difference there."
But Cookie Monster then said, “But we can’t stop the bad guys from trying to keep attacking! We need more help!”
“Alright, alright,” groaned Oscar. “I guess we’d better call some of those guys next door. I think those Avengers in that giant tower of theirs could pop on by.”
But before Oscar could walk over to a phone booth, a booming voice called out from the distance. “I’m afraid the Avengers won’t be coming to your aid now, Grouch!”
Suddenly, Elmo screamed again. “Oh no! A fifth bad guy!”. At that moment, an intimidating green and purple mech suit landed right on the street and aimed its numerous missile launchers at the Muppets. Its pilot was a bald man, wearing a smug grin on his face and speaking with the voice of Clancy Brown.
“I hope you don’t mind the unexpected invite, but I’m afraid I have business in your neighborhood,” said the pilot.
Big Bird cried out, “It must be that Jeff Bezos guy! He’s come here to tear down our street and replace it with Amazon warehouses!”
“Pfft, figures the evil billionaires are up to that wild scheme,” snarked Oscar. “NOW WILL YOU BAD GUYS JUST SCRAM ALREADY?!”
But this bald billionaire wasn't quite Bezos (save that for later) — it was Lex Luthor, aka DC’s number one bad guy, CEO of LexCorp, and Superman's arch-enemy. While Luthor did want to wipe Sesame Street off the map to avoid having young children learn that maybe billionaires and greed are bad and empathy is good, he had an ulterior motive in mind. “Do you really think I care about your pathetic little street and the “war” being waged around it?" sneered the CEO. "You’re just the bait needed to lure out a bigger prize -- my ultimate prize. The man I hate, the man who keeps me down in perpetuity... and one I know can’t resist the temptation to rescue innocents.” And without mercy, Luthor fired off his weapons, targeting the Muppets directly. Elmo and Cookie Monster hugged themselves together as they braced for the inevitable impact…
Indeed, the missiles went off, but they didn’t hit their target. "Oh! Look up in the sky!" Elmo exclaimed, spotting a flying figure intercepting the missiles and rising up into the air.
"It's a bird!" exclaimed Big Bird.
"It a plane!" shouted Cookie Monster.
"It's... SUPER GROVER!" said Grover as he flew through the air, wearing his signature knight helmet, cape, and emblem. But then, a very tall, well-built man passed by him, holding the missiles in one hand, and cradled Super Grover in his arm, landing on his feet and setting Grover down gently as he gave him a friendly head rustle.
"No, it's Superman!" exclaimed Grover excitedly. The familiar theme of John Williams played to signal the arrival of the very person Luthor was hoping for -- the Man of Steel, faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, the definitive superhero, and the biggest good there is in the DCU. And from the mouth of this savior came the voice of George Newbern, saying, “Luthor…”
”Ah hey hey, Superman! I was wondering when you’d show up!” Luthor cackled as he grinned, knowing his plan to lure the Man of Steel himself to the street had succeeded.
Naturally, Supes himself wasn’t impressed in the slightest. “Not even a few days into this whole merger nonsense, and you’ve gone off targeting innocents — and preschool characters on top of it!”
Luthor replied, “Do you think I give a shit? Do you THINK I give a shit, you sanctimonious, patronizing CLOWN?!? You’re too predictable, rescuing people in danger because you feel “obligated”. It's always all too easy to lure you out to make you prime pickings for ME!”
”Truthfully, Lex, I would have thought that all the changes to the world around us would have taught you that for all your anger against me, you could have made a difference by doing the right thing for once,” said Superman, genuine disappointment in his voice making it clear that he held Luthor’s latest attempt at destroying him to be a waste of his true talents.
Of course, Luthor didn’t want his foe’s pity. “Nice obituary you got there, Superman!” he sneered. Just as quickly as he said that, he fired off a blast of a green energy right at his foe — no doubt a discharge of Kryptonite — hoping to strike the Man of Steel with his greatest weakness.
But as much as Luthor accused Superman of being predictable, Superman knew Luthor would use that first thing. Quickly getting Elmo and Cookie Monster out of the way of the blast, he then flew right up to his arch-foe and shouted, “I think we’re gonna have to take this outside!”
”IT DOESN’T MATTER WHERE YOU TAKE IT!” Lex shouted back. “I’LL ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO MAKE YOU BURN! DO YOU HEAR ME?! BURN, DAMN YOU!” More Kryptonite weapons fired off at Superman, intent on killing him with as much of the stash of weapons as Luthor could fit into his suit.
As the Kryptonite struck, so too did the Man of Steel’s fist, sending Luthor flying into the air. Though weakened, Superman tried his best to fly after him, not keen on letting him make another pass at Sesame Street. He quickly built up speed to aim for another punch, as Luthor cackled maniacally while he fired off more weapons, taking their fight further and further away until they both faded out of sight.
But poor Cookie Monster, drained of energy, fainted on the ground, not even willing to touch his beloved cookies. “Please…please no more bad guys! Me can’t take anymore!”
”Five!” Count Von Count exclaimed. “FIVE supervillains in one day! This is growing much vorse by the second! The Barney killing is emboldening even our old network partner’s biggest bad guy!”
Oscar, recounting that Warner Bros. had effectively left them in the dust, groused, “Bad guy, schmad guy! This is getting way too out of hand! If they wanna keep trying to kill us, I’m calling up all those Avengers guys! No way anyone’s smart enough to take them all on!”
He scurried back to the phone booth, keen on trying to make his call…but as the dial tone was wringing, giant, triangle-shaped shadows began to loom overhead, as a less inviting John Williams theme began to play…
“Oh no... why does Elmo hear scary music?”
A massive starship descended over Sesame Street. The Muppets looked up as they saw an Imperial Class Star Destroyer – several of them in fact – looming overhead. “The Imperial March” played in the background as several Lambda class shuttles emerged and began their descents. As they prepared for landing, a hologram of Darth Vader appeared on the street. The sinister Sith Lord’s masked visage loomed large as the denizens worried about what fate he had in store for them.
The hologram of Vader then spoke. “Attention, all denizens of…” He pauses for a moment. The street’s denizens can hear him trying to hold in a laugh. “Sesame Street, New York, New York, United States of America, Planet Terra. On behalf of Emperor Sheev Palpatine, you are now under military occupation of the Galactic Empire.”
As the shuttles began to make their approach, Ernie woke up in his apartment. He, along with his roommate Bert, were amongst the few adults that actually lived on the Street (along with Oscar and Count), so he held a personal responsibility to watch over the younger residents. Even if he was a little on the immature side, what with him being a hapless prankster and all.
“Bert! Bert! You need to see this, Bert!”, he screamed as he climbed over to Bert’s bed and tried to wake him up. The banana-colored Muppet stirred from his rest, not in the mood to be awoken from what he thought was one of Ernie’s usual games.
“What is it this time, Ernie?” He got up from his bed and then looked out the window. “OH MY—”
The shuttles landed, each of them carrying a squadron of Stormtroopers. The troopers were accompanied by officers, holding… scripts? The Muppets looked confused as Vader continued to address them from the comfort of his ship.
“From this point forwards, you will educate the children of Planet Terra only using curricula approved by the Imperial Department of Education, which places focus on obedience, personal responsibility, discipline, and loyalty to the Emperor. You will be given scripts for each episode of your program that you must follow exactly.”
Big Bird was the first to look over the script, and something seemed terribly off about it. Even though he was still young, he recognized the hand – or rather code – of artificial intelligence in making this. He said, “This script is garbage! Did a robot write this or something? Kids are going to hate it!” He quickly tossed the “script” at Oscar’s trash can, knowing that only he would appreciate that slop. In response, two stormtroopers grabbed Big Bird and started to drag him towards the shuttle, uttering some nonsense Imperial Code that the poor guy was accused of violating.
Elmo looked on in horror as Big Bird was dragged off, screaming for help. “What's happening?! No! No! The bad people are here to take away all of Elmo's friends!”
“All right! More AI slop!” said Oscar as he saw more scripts piling up in front of his trash can. He picked up one and looks at it, satisfied that it’d fit right in with his collection of assorted garbage – as he stated in his signature song, he LOVED trash. “Anyway…” While no one was looking, he snuck over to the apparatus controlling his Grouch Fence, waiting for the opportunity to strike.
Vader’s hologram continued to speak. “All those who do not comply will be taken prisoner by the Galactic Empire.”
Ernie looked over his own script, and was horrified by what he saw. "‘Did you know that rent increases are necessary so that the Empire can keep supplying the fun stuff that you love, and are the fault of non-humans, who are bad people?!?’ What is this? It's mean and negative and teaches nonsense! I can't do this, Bert!”
As Vader warned, Ernie was captured and taken away by Stormtroopers. He got dragged away, screaming out for his friend. “BERT! HELP!”
Bert looked on in horror at seeing his friend being imprisoned. “ERNIEEEEEEEEE!!!” He tried rushing after him, but a pair of two stormtroopers grabbed him by the arms and declared him an accessory. All this did was cause Bert’s brow to furrow as he looked towards the Fourth Wall…
“Parents, you may want to cover your kids' eyes for this one… Bite me!” He let out a mighty spit, splattering a big loogie on a stormtrooper’s helmet. All this did was cause the bumbling soldiers to grab a tighter hold of him, dragging him out of the apartment as they passed by Elmo.
“Bert! Ernie! Elmo has faith in you!”, cried out Elmo as he tried to offer his support for his friends. Meanwhile, Vader continued to speak, unaware of the events transpiring on the ground.
“This educational overhaul will ensure the proper upbringing of all children on the planet Terra, to become productive and obedient members of the Galactic Empire. Do not fail me.”
Meanwhile, out of notice, Oscar was making that last adjustment to his Grouch Fence. “Just a little tweak here, and... THERE!”
Before the Stormtroopers could do anything, they got sucked into a void surrounding Sesame Street, releasing all the Muppets. The Imperials ended up in the Grouchland garbage dump, where they saw a few familiar faces. Eric Cartman, Plankton and his Elmo Robot, and Bray Wyatt and his Demonic Elmo, just sitting there in the garbage, without a care in the world.
“First time?”, asked the crass Coloradan. The other Stormtroopers just groaned as Plankton got up and started trying to find his way back home.
Back on Sesame Street, the Star Destroyers began to leave. All the Muppets cheered for joy, and they rewarded Oscar by throwing him all of their AI-generated scripts to add to his trash collection. The Grouch was the happiest hed ever been – and he didn’t have to call those other big heroes! Still, peace had finally found its way to Sesame Street, and not a moment too soon. Guess those villains learned the hard way that the so-called “weaklings” of the multiverse weren’t so weak after all.
Meanwhile, back on the Star Destroyer, the ship left orbit to prepare for a hyperspace jump to Coruscant. In his frustration, Vader Force-choked an Imperial Officer, dropping him to the ground and leaving his coworkers cowering that they might be next. He stared out the window, his anger fuming beyond comparison.
“What a pointless mission. Why do you do this, my master…?”
At the same time in the outskirts of the Pennsylvania woods, Makima and Chainsaw Man were still fighting. The Control Devil, though momentarily caught off guard by Denji’s brutal means of getting her out of Sesame Street, proved to be the superior fighter, no doubt since Denji is trying to find another loophole. She landed a severe punch to his stomach as another one of his cuts on her fingers just ended up being transferred to a Japanese citizen. Much like their previous battle, Makima also employed the abilities of various Devils she had contracted, sending a horde of zombies to rush Denji and generating angelic weapons to strike at his weak points. But while all this went on, she peeked over her head and saw Vader’s fleet leaving.
“Another time, Chainsaw Man, but I’m afraid I have another matter I must attend to.”
She unleashed a hail mary of a punch right to Chainsaw Man’s head, intending to knock him down long enough while she made her way back to Sesame Street and reclaimed one of those Imperial Shuttles. One was still there, since Oscar’s grouch fence only went after the armies and not their equipment, so she knew she could follow Vader’s fleet back to Palpatine. Or, failing that, her efforts had still managed to gather Palpatine’s attention as she’d hoped. Sooner or later, he’d contact her, and make her the ultimate offer.
But Chainsaw Man wasn’t going down so easily. Even though she was battering him just as hard as last time, there was something that was different about him. He seemed more determined, more pleased. More happy.
“Heh,” Chainsaw Man laughed. “You think I wasn’t going to just let you step all over me again? Look lady, I don’t know what force decided to mesh this world into a whole shitshow of everything, but I got news for you – I’m happy here. This time, I got a hell of a lot more to fight for, and I’m sure as hell NOT LETTIN’ YOU FUCK THINGS UP AGAIN, you absolute CUNTFACE!”
He charged at her with a great force of speed, a sheer look of determination in his eyes. Makima was slightly unnerved; the Denji she knew was a brainless fool that Pochita had somehow deemed worthy of commanding. Clever enough to find a loophole to kill her, sure, but now, he was a whole different person. This new reality had brought him something she had strived to take from him all those years ago. It disgusted her to her core.
But as the Chainsaw Man charged, time came to a standstill. Soon, that same voice that called to her earlier spoke once again.
Child. You are Control. You needn’t wait to bring the Oligarch Devil to you. You have the power, as per your birthright.
And with this, she felt a tingling sensation in her hands. Within seconds, she spotted a glob of some dark, shadowy substance on the ground, growing by the second. As it grew, eldritch-looking hands emerged from the puddle, each with a glowing, yellow eye embedded in its palm. The hands then appeared to grab onto reality, tearing a portal big enough to give her enough room to pass through. Every fiber of her being felt that this new power – somehow – was a gift. But from whom?
Nevermind that for the moment. Her true destiny awaited. As Denji momentarily gave pause, she smirked and calmly walked through the portal, entering it. Gone from his gaze once again, Chainsaw Man cried out in fury, knowing that the woman who sought to ruin his life was back and once again out of his reach.
Meanwhile, the portal opened into the throne room of the Imperial Palace on Coruscant. Makima stepped out and found Emperor Sheev Palpatine, sitting upon his throne, grinning with glee.
“Welcome, Control Devil,” spoke the Sith. “I have been expecting you.”
Makima smirked back at him in response. “As have I, Oligarch Devil. As have I.”
Palpatine let out an evil laugh. “Word had spread quickly of what you did to those childish fools on Sesame Street. And to think, none had such courage to do what needed to be done, and wipe them out.”
“It was a necessity,” spoke Makima. “Giving children the means to think for themselves is lighting a match to spark forth rebellion. There is no need to provide them with such when housebreaking them will do.”
“I am glad we are in agreement.” Palpatine gestured towards the Control Devil. “Fortunately, your actions have proven of great use towards my Empire. That is why I require a new apprentice. I’m afraid my prior one will no longer be of any use to me.”
Makima smirked again. She knew Palpatine referred to Vader, doubtlessly because he had planned for the magic Grouch fence to dispose of him the moment he set foot on Sesame Street. But Makima knew that Palpatine’s plans had failed; he was always an overconfident fool. Still, better to keep that secret close to the chest for now.
“You refer to Darth Vader. A pity, but I suppose he was always held back by those troubling emotions of his. He never could get over losing his precious wife.”
Palpatine let out another cackle, knowing full well what Makima meant. “I can tell you and I will make an excellent team. Together, we will rule the galaxy as Master and Apprentice, as it was always meant to be. Today, the Empire marks its first step towards TOTAL DOMINATION! There will be NO MORE REBELLION!”
As Makima approached Palpatine’s throne, she said, “I couldn’t agree more. Today, the galaxy does fall under total control.” She let off another smirk as she got closer to the Sith. “But for that to occur, I believe it’s best if we implement a few new changes…”
A look of befuddlement struck the Emperor as he witnessed Makima summoning every single contracted Devil that she ever had at her disposal.
Meanwhile, back on the Star Destroyer, a frustrated Lord Vader was flying back to Coruscant, unaware of what was transpiring in his master’s throne room. His thoughts still dwelled on the last mission – the pointlessness of it all! So great was his fury, other officers scurried into hiding just to make sure they weren’t caught in his rampage.
“It's clear to me why the Emperor sent me on that pointless occupation mission. He knew that the trash-dweller's device would send me to parts unknown while he could replace me with a new, more powerful and more faithful apprentice from these new worlds.”
One of the officers finally spoke up. “Yes, Lord Vader, I apologize, but the Emperor's orders were absolute. I at least appreciate how you found a way to avoid becoming a victim of the Grouch's apparatus, and the Emperor's gambit to rid himself of you.”
Vader simply dismissed such notions. “The Emperor always assumes that I am blinded by ignorance. That couldn't be further from the truth. Ready my shuttle for landing.”
The Star Destroyer returned to Coruscant and entered friendly space. Within minutes, Vader's Imperial Shuttle exited the massive ship and flew through the traffic surrounding the numerous skyscrapers dotting the planet. He landed in front of the Imperial Palace, where a personal escort was in place awaiting him. Vader entered the structure and made his way up the turbolift to the throne room where he saw his master, the Emperor... battered and bruised and with a chain through his forehead. The chain extended from the waist of a red-haired woman in a business suit, who looked unscathed in comparison but whose clothes were clearly muddied up in the heat of battle, covered in a copious amount of blood. The woman pointed a finger at Palpatine's head.
His surprise got the better of him. “The Control Devil?!”, he exclaimed.
BANG.
And within seconds, Palpatine’s head exploded. Gone now was the Oligarch Devil – the embodiment of the Sith, and of humanity’s fear of power-hungry plutocrats. What remained slumped over the throne, ending the nearly 20 year reign of the man who brought down the Republic. Soon, Makima pushed Palpatine’s corpse out of the way, taking the seat as part of her new claim to this Empire. She smirked at Vader, staring into his helmet.
“Do we have a contract, Lord Vader?”
Vader stood there confused for a few seconds. She actually did what he could not…she killed Palpatine. And so effortlessly! He could hardly believe it. No one, not Maul, not Yoda, not even Kenobi at his peak, could have so easily bested the most powerful man in the galaxy. But then again, this was not the same galaxy he was used to. In this new reality, a more powerful foe had put the Emperor in his place – and in doing so, freed him from his control. True, it was not by his hand that Palpatine fell, but it was still done at long last. For the first time in a long time, Vader felt…gratitude. And with that feeling, he then knelt in front of Makima.
“What is thy bidding, my new master?”
Makima let out a small laugh, amused by Vader’s respect. “Oh, no need for all that verbiage. All I need are simpler responses from my dogs.”
Vader almost didn’t know how to respond. But he soon remembered she only preferred one way: “...Woof.”
“Good boy!”, she exclaimed with a small bit of giddiness in her voice. She now had cinema’s greatest villain by her side as her loyal follower.
Standing up in front of her new right hand, she thought to herself about her true goal. Chainsaw Man... I'm coming for you, and this time you don't stand a damn chance.
And thus, the new Galactic Empress was crowned.
All hail Empress Makima!
Notes:
The Sesame Sieges were all built around a single gag on TV Tropes. After Barney’s page became a thing, Wyvu took to Elmo’s page and wrote it where Makima (her favorite villain) tried to kill the little red muppet, only for Denji to stop her. While Plankton, Bray, and Cartman’s attempts were all pulled from the deleted TV Tropes interactions, this new addition from Lex Luthor came about as a result of the new Superman movie — even though he did have self demonstrating page, we didn’t bother to use him. Well, that mistake is about to be rectified… chris4449
Chapter 5: Death and Destruction
Summary:
The Neo Legion of Doom is born!
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The sun was setting on yet another successful Villain Con – or so it would be, had the denizens not entered into a state of shock. All over the con, word was quickly spreading of what Makima had tried to do to Sesame Street . Social media feeds were blowing up of witnesses who saw her almost eviscerate Elmo had it not been for Denji’s intervention, and those same folks saw Plankton, Bray Wyatt, and Vader’s own attempts being thwarted. Con-goers everywhere were seeing this play out, and most of them were horrified.
The key word being most of them.
A couple of the more heartless villains and killers out there were laughing their butts off, some still were even more impressed that Makima had tried to finally get rid of that preschool slop. Even on social media, the usual trolls and bots chimed in with repeated comments praising Makima for having the guts to commit such a ruthless genocide. But for the more rational folks, they were horrified at what they saw. Sure, Sesame Street was occupied by characters who were of a more childish nature (or at least reasonably childish compared to some of the other towns and cities occupied by preschool characters), but this was just too far! Panels got interrupted, signings were stopped, and all the while, “The Sesame Sieges” became the hot topic of discussion.
Still, this event couldn’t be spoiled, and as the man behind it, Gru knew Villain Con had to go on. He quickly took to the stage, no doubt thinking about how his own kids were reacting to the news, and grabbed a microphone.
“May I have your attention, please?”, the ex-villain called out. The con goers were still in a chatter, but he tried again. “Everyone, settle down! Settle down!” The crowds finally silenced.
Gru cleared his throat. “Thank you. Now I know thees news has just gotten to all of you, and yes – I thenk we can all agree that what Lettle Miss Snobby Pants tried to do to those Muppets was waaaaay out of line!”
Out towards one of the booths, one of the villains called out and said, “NO, WAY, MAYN! SHE SHOULDA POPPA-DE-POPPED DOSE BITCHES A LONG-ASS TIME AGO AND SACWIFICED 'EM TO DA GWEAT WEVIAFON!”
“Okay, most of us agree that was way out of line,” said Gru, trying to defuse the situation. “But regardless, we may be veellains, but we are not monsters. We know you came to see us, and the show must go on! So if anybody vants to come up and seenk to give these vory fine people the show of a lifetime, come on up and do so!”
Nearby, a large blue robot named Soundwave transformed into a cassette deck and started playing a rendition of “Everybody Wants To Rule the World” by Tears for Fears. He selected the karaoke version from within his tapes, no doubt trying to bop along as best he could, since he too had an appreciation for this art form. Nearby, his master, the original Megatron, simply scowled in disgust, his mind dwelling on Makima’s recent actions; not because he disapproved of it, but because he saw killing weaklings as a waste of time, unlike that purple pretender who dared to lay claim to his name.
As some of the villains got up on stage, Gru called out, “Seenk alonk if you know the vords!”
First up on stage was a skinny man with a big nose, dressed in a purple outfit. Out of his screechy mouth, Waluigi sang, “ Everybody WAAAAAAA-nts to rule the world…”
Next up followed a skinny scientist in a lab coat, named Dr. Doofenshmirtz. “ There's a room where the light won't find you”
Dr. Eggman hopped up on stage right after. “ Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down”
Right after him came an unusual robotic entity with a very glitchy voice, hailing from the realm of Deltarune . This was the former villain Queen, who was eager to join in. “ When They Do I'll Be: Right Behind You,” she sang, enunciating Every Word As If It Were Its Own Sentence.
Bizarro came up next, but the words were…not quite right. “ Kcatta txen eht rof gnitiaw er'uoy nehw os...” Guess they forgot he only did everything backwards, to the point that he started singing along to a completely unrelated Iron Maiden song.
“ So glad we've almost made it ,” sang out Robbie Rotten, one of those other preschool characters. No doubt he was terrified that someone was going to try and go after Lazy Town next before he could shut Sportacus up and get some peace and quiet, but if he was here, might as well go all out.
“ So sad they had to fade it” . That stanza came from Monika, the President of a school literature club with a very obsessive and murderous crush on the player from her game of origin. Hopefully none of the other con-goers caught her eye.
The full gaggle of villains then lined up and sung altogether. “ Everybody wants to rule the world!”
Last but certainly not least, Hades joined them up on stage. “...and the Underworld!” With just the flick of his fingers, he created a ghoulish pyrotechnic display that wowed the audience, who erupted in applause. Though of course, the more “serious” villains just scowled at what they thought was a waste of time. Megatron (the Decepticon one) in particular smacked down his right-hand bot, Starscream, for seemingly enjoying the performance.
Gru got up on stage and joined everyone. “THANK YOU EVERYONE! AND GOOD NIGHT TO VEELLAIN CON!” The audience let out a standing ovation, cheering for their favorite big bads.
As the performance wrapped up and the villains started walking down off stage to talk to one another, Doofenshmirtz made a comment over to Eggman. “Well, strictly speaking, I just want to rule the Tri-State Area!”
Eggman just snickered. “You think too small, my pointy-nosed compatriot. Why rule just one Area when you could rule a galaxy ?!”
Doofenshimrtz replied, “You know how much work that is? I mean, the property tax laws alone would be too much of a hassle!”
“I DON'T WANNA RULE THE WORLD, I JUST WANT SOMORE FREAKS!” Scott Steiner cried out.
Nearby, Bowser was singing a different song as he tapped his fingers on the piano. “ Peaches, peaches, peaches peaches peaches, peaches, PEAC– ” The other villains just looked at him funny. “...What?! I thought my song was better.”
Spamtom then walked over and just started hawking his wares again. “HE Y GU GUYS! LOOK AT ALL THE [[Money money money money! MONEY!]] I MAID AT MY Dd BOOTH SELLING [[Illegal in all 50 states.]]”
Ignoring Spamton, Hades saw the old Music Meister crying in the corner.
“ HOW COULD THEY NOT BOW BEFORE MY WHIMS!? I’M THE MUSIC MEISTER! I’m not…I’m not…” He bawls even harder now, left wondering what he’d done to deserve such a cruel fate. “I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TIME TO WRITE A SONG ABOUT MY POST-CON DEPRESSION!”
Hades just snickered – more business for his rotten tomato throwing gig – and went to sit down on a couch nearby. He pulled out a magazine that reads “Greek Illustrated Monthly”, with a picture of a swimsuit-clad Aphrodite honing the cover. He just read through the articles, thinking that drop-dead-gorgeous goddess of love would be in his arms right about now if she wasn’t married to that lummox Hephaestus. Oy, that guy’s got a mean right hook.
Heck, best Hades ever got was that mashugana fairy Maleficent, having met years ago when she recruited him and other Disney villains to access the power of Kingdom Hearts. Naturally, that went south when they had their first kid; he was just glad he never bumped into the old froy at this joint, lest they get into yet another child support payment argument.
But even as his thoughts tried not to dwell on his ex, Pain and Panic ran into the room, screaming like banshees and startling the other villains.
“BOSS! BOSS!”
Hades just poked up from his magazine and groaned. “Oy, what are you two nimrods kvetchin’ about this time? In case you hadn’t noticed, this is my coffee break. And just cause you two never seem to pay attention, I don’t got no coffee. So unless you swung by that cafe down on Fifth and picked up my order –”
Panic just got in Hades’ face in a…well, Panic. “SIR! THIS IS IMPORTANT! IT’S A CODE X!”
Pain followed suit and gets up in Hades’ face as well. “YEAH! CODE X! CODE X!”
In his annoyance, Hades just shoved the two dimwits to the ground, only to realize what they said. “Wait, wait, wait a minute. Code X?”
The two imps nodded in unison. Hades’ brow fured. “Well why didn’t you two come and get me SOONER?!” He then incinerated the two once more. As Pain and Panic started to gather themselves up again, the Lord of the Dead started to open a portal back to the Underworld, then turned to his fellow villains and says, “Sorry fellas, work emergency. Save me a seat at the big poker tourney! I got plenty to bet with!”
And within a flash, the Lord of the Dead had disappeared, returning to the domain from which he ruled.
The Underworld. Here, death reigned supreme as hundreds upon thousands of souls were subject to torment. At least, that’s what it used to do. Once the worlds all merged, Hades found that there were now at least four other underworlds trying to compete with his – one that was run by a Princess who was apparently using a hotel to try and redeem wayward souls, another where that Fiend guy lived, a third ruled by the demon Mephisto, one where the devils that Makima and her ilk spawned, and at least one more from where this literal Hellspawn emerged. And as far as Hades knew, there were dozens more out there he had no idea about. Well, at least his underworld got to torment a lot of the historical dictators. As he walked past a line of tormented souls, he took joy in seeing Adolf Hitler getting his innards torn out by demons as he screamed loudly in German. A nearby pair of torture racks were marked reserved for a certain “Donald J. Trump” and “Elon R. Musk”, with countdown timers on each that were fluctuating wildly.
His thoughts dwelled on the potential identity of this “Code X”. Rare was it for such a term to be used, as it only meant one of the most powerful beings of all had been felled by someone else – usually angels, devils, or even demigods. Some small part of him hoped that it was Wonder Boy, that way he could rub it in Zeus’s face that his son was now trapped in his domain.
But to his shock, he saw instead the wretched, decrepit soul of what used to be the Oligarch Devil. Or rather as he knew him, Emperor Sheev Palpatine of the Galactic Empire. His head had been partly blown to bits from Makima's finger gun.
He snickered a little bit, amused at his coworker’s situation. “Well, Sheevy, guess your time came up too early, didn’t it? Kinda shockin’, considerin’ your number ain’t up for another 30 years or so.”
“Spare me your indignation, Hades,” exclaimed the soul of the Sith. “Your constant chatter is but a tiring reminder of why I chose to avoid this fate.”
“Yeah, and look how well that’s worked out for ya.” He sarcastically patted Palpatine’s “back” as he overlooked the soul. “Lemme guess, the old angster finally got the one up on ya? Or did this whole mishmosh cause your grandkid to show up a bit too early and send ya to the funeral pyre?”
Palpatine just frowned. “No. It was Makima.”
Hades stopped in his tracks for a second. “I’m sorry, I musta had a chunk of brimstone in my ear, cause I swore you said “Makima” there for a second.”
“It is the truth. The Control Devil has brought my reign to an end, far too soon.”
Hades stood there in silence, then he bawls out in hysterical laughter! “HAHAHAHAH!” Palpatine looed at him, unamused with his compatriot seemingly mocking his demise.
“You find this amusing?”
Hades finally calmed himself down enough. “No, no, no, it’s–it’s not that. I just can’t believe that YOU, of all people, got brought down by little red! I mean, you spent 13 years plottin’ the galaxy’s downfall, you wipe out the Jedi, turn Mister “I Hate Sand” into your ultimate right hand – heck you even build a planet-destroyin’ superweapon in secret – and you’re tellin’ me that Makima managed to kill ya? What, what, did you try hirin’ her on as your new apprentice or somethin’?”
Palpatine just stared in silence, confirming Hades’ suspicions. “Oh my Gods, you did! Wow. Sheevy, there’s no easy way of saying this, but…you done goofed, my wrinkly friend. Even a guy like me wouldn’t have tried makin’ the old hottie do my dirt work, cause – news flash! – she’s called the Control Devil; she doesn’t bend over to anyone unless it’s discount Leatherface, and even then she wants the little schlemiel inside the twig currently hostin’ ‘em! Heh, I’m startin’ to see why people are so up in arms about your whole “Final Order” backup plan – you do not think these things through.”
Palpatine just let out a deceitful smirk. “And yet you too are but a fool, Hades.”
Hades just looked confused. “Me? Hey, I don’t know if you noticed, Sheevy-boy, but I ain’t the dead one floatin’ around here.”
Palaptine let out another sadistic cackle. “Do you believe she will stop now that I am defeated? I was but the Oligarch Devil – the pure embodiment of mankind’s fears of plutocracy in action – and yet I was felled. Still beyond the pale of this new world lies others like her. Others that could either serve as allies… or enemies.”
“Woah, woah, you talkin’ like Galactic Empress Makima? Pfft, she’s dangerous, sure, but she ain’t that talented to actually run the joint. You saw fit to that by stackin’ the place up with those minions you call “Stormtroopers”. Seriously, I’ve seen blind people with better aim than those guys!”
“I refer not to my former armies, but of what is to come.” Palpatine continued on, leading to Hades growing curious. “Now that she has the means to restore what was lost to her, she will deem this new reality unfit to be ruled by others.”
Suddenly, a realization hit Hades. Makima had the Galactic Empire under her thumb, which means she had a lot of resources at her disposal. And with those resources, she could seek out others whom she could force to her cause with her devil powers. And with those others, it could lead to more powerful beings who would respect someone like her, assuming she didn’t brainwash them into her subservience. And those she couldn't brainwash, well…
Of course, Hades tried to play this cool. “Yeah, like I’m supposed to care. So what if Maky wants the whole stinkin’ galaxy? I am a god in case you forgot. She can’t touch me even if she wanted to. Heck, the more schmoes she fries, the more of those dumpkovs wind up in my underworld for me to torment for all eternity.” He looks over a sundial on his wrist. “Speaking of which, I think we have a 2:30 lined up for ya down in the dead devils’ section. Heard they’re serving up an acid bath tonight.”
Hades snapped his fingers and some of his undead monsters came to grab Palpatine’s soul, grasping it by the arms as they walked in to bring the dead Sith in for torment. The Lord of the Dead let out another snide comment as Palpatine was dragged off. “Good seein’ ya, Palpy, but I gotta go and start workin’ on those expansion plans. I expect little Red’s gonna be annihilating a few hundred planets or so with Death Star III or whatever, so might as well capitalize on it!”
But as Palpatine’s soul was dragged away, he managed to get in the last word.
“If Devils can be brought to death, what chance does a God stand?”
And as the Sith was taken out of sight, those words started to hit Hades. He walked back to his throne, took a seat, and started thinking things over. Sure, Makima was powerful, but even as an Empress, she didn’t have enough folks. At least not yet. But she was the Control Devil, not the Death Devil! She had no domain over a concept that Hades himself was the master of!
At least, she wasn’t yet. And she had already killed Palpatine, another of her kind, and he was probably the most dangerous guy from his reality! And as one of the Four Horsemen, she wasn't that far removed from the actual Death Devil, whoever they may be!
So what would happen if she grew powerful enough to kill a god?
No, that wasn't the right question. What if she grew powerful enough to make a god beg to be killed?
“PAIN! PANIC!”
The two imps rushed into the room. Hades barked out, “I want the full Sesame Street incident on my desk in five minutes, PUH-RONTO!”
Not even less than a minute later, Hades looked over the scroll on what Makima attempted to do to that little town. He compared it to other previous incidents in which others had tried to wipe Sesame Street off the map – mostly from the types of folks that Hades’ own voice actor supports (surprise, surprise) – but nothing had even come close to a full-on dirty version of Vesuvius like what Makima tried to pull! He did laugh a little at Plankton’s own, more cartoonish attempt to kill the Muppets, which he could accept since it was more “normal” for a guy like him (hey, he did try to off baby Hercules), but still.
Right next to him was Makima’s own profile, pulled straight from any potential additions to his underworld. Under a note marked “Place torture temperature beyond maximum limits. Stick next to known ginger-hater Eric Cartman for ultimate irony”, there was the list of sadistic deeds she had done in her lifetime. But perhaps her worst of them all, marked in bright red letters, was how she had sadistically killed Power, the Blood Devil Fiend, and mocked Denji over it to break his spirit and obtain Pochita for herself.
Right there and then, Hades came to the cruel realization that Makima wouldn’t just leave him alone. In her mind, he was nothing but an obstacle; a target she would simply dispose of the moment she found a way to end him. But if he proved to be too much of a tough cookie, she would break his spirit, make him beg for death at her hands, going after everything he cared for. Not just the underworld for which he ruled over (which he took his duties in very seriously, even if he wanted out of this dump), but the one person in the entire universe he had just a small soft spot for.
At this point, he decided he was done playing nice.
Hades whistled for Pain and Panic, calling the two imps over. They ran into the room, needles and thread in their hands and with pins jammed in Pain’s behind.
“Boys, pack your bags! We’re goin’ shoppin’.”
Pain and Panic looked at each other, confused. Pain eventually spoke up, asking “Uh, boss? What are we getting?”
Hades clasped his hands and said, “The world’s changin’ out there, so it’s time we get with the program. If Makima’s decidin’ to play hostile takeover with George’s old toys, might as well see if we can keep up. But first, I need me a new ride.”
“A new ride?”, asked Panic.
“Face it, teleportin’ around’s just gettin’ too bothersome.” Hades then grabbed a pamphlet. “You two managed to stitch that slap-happy dope back together?”
Pain and Panic nod in unison.
“Good,” said Hades. “Can’t go anywhere without my new prize-winner.”
The pamphlet was shown to be an advertisement for the hit television series, Top Gear UK.
Moments later, over in England, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May, the show’s three hosts, had just come back from a commercial break and were preparing to make a big announcement. How they’d come back to a show they walked away from is beyond anyone’s guess, but upon quick inspection, they looked a bit dimmer than usual. Actually, they didn’t seem quite as bright as they used to. Perhaps the new merging of the realities caused them to become a bit more like their TV personas than how they actually are in real life, to say nothing of getting their old jobs back.
Jeremy Clarkson was the first to speak, holding up a stack of papers in his hand. On them were a list of applicants for what’s supposed to be their “Star In A Reasonably Priced Car” contest, with several of the characters with Self-Demonstrating pages having already been marked out as ineligible – The Joker, for example, was marked “murderist”. “Right! We've finally found our Star In A Reasonably Priced Car. He was once on GMTV — which if you're American was a morning television thing in England-land — please welcome Barney the Dinosaur!”
Barney made his entrance into the studio, accompanied by foreboding music. Everyone started running away, except for the trio, their mysterious ally known as The Stig, and, obviously, their guest. In his excitement, Barney exclaimed, “Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Hi everybody!”. The Stig and Barney then shook hands.
Clarkson then said, “Now, we did choose the purple polyester dinosaur as our Star because everyone on this whole bloody mashup was a bit anal towards us, and because they all fear him, bringing him on would be very funny to me. And , he's a bit of a terrifying creature of unknown origin, much like The Stig when you take off his helmet and firesuit.”
But James May seemed rather unamused. “CLARKSON! You do realize that we're basically screwed?!? He's supposedly an agent of that Greek underworld chap!”
As if right on cue, Hades himself appeared right in the middle of the soundstage.
“Someone call for me?! Nice act you got there, fellas, and nice Dacia Sandero you got. Thanks for the free ride!”
James May walked up to him and started trying to get him to leave. “Hold up, Mister—”
But Hades just brusheed him off. “Mister Hades, Lord of the Dead, hi, how ya doin'? Listen, before you finish that sentence, you give one of my guys something, it automatically goes to me. Comprendo? Good. Anyhoo, next time, read the fine print before you pick the most obvious answer to your problem!”
Barney tried to do a little happy dance with his new set of keys, but Hades swiped them from his minion. “Uh-uh, not happening Purple Nurple. You couldn't use a door right. Passenger side, now.”
Without a care in the world, Barney just complied. “Okey-dokey Mr. Boss Man!”
“And as for you three,” said Hades as he looks towards the flummoxed Top Gear hosts, “Keep up the act! Who knows? You might be good enough to play the underworld someday! HA!”
As he got in the car, he caught a glimpse of The Stig and called out to him. “Hey, Stig-Man! Haven't seen you in a hot minute! Listen, babe, we gotta catch up some time. Once you're done here, come swing by my place for lunch.”
The Stig gave a thumbs up as Hades drove the car off and out of sight, leaving the hosts utterly floored.
James turned to Clarkson in a seething rage.
“Well, do you have something to say for yourself?!”, exclaimed the exasperated James May.
The only response Clarkson could muster is, “Only that for our next Star In A Reasonably Priced Car, we buy another Dacia Sandero cheap from the classifieds to keep it from being stolen by the Greek God of the Dead.”
Finally speaking up, Richard Hammond said to James May, “Or get a Fiat Panda. You like that car!”
“I know I love the Panda as much as I love the Sandero, but reminding me of that isn't going to take away the fact that SOMEONE JUST STOLE OUR REASONABLY PRICED CAR!”
Then Clarkson remembered something. “Well, we still have that used Honda Civic…”
Earlier on, the trio had decided to gift a 2006 Honda Civic to Squidward, much to the octopus’s displeasure. Because some morons on the internet had decided to illegally copy his voice and train an artificial intelligence to mimic it, a whole slew of internet memes have popped up about him and all the other Bikini Bottom denizens spouting out crude or bizarre nonsense. Slowly but surely, Squidward had grown to despise it, and his own AI clone -- nicknamed "Loudward" because of the bizarrely increased volume at which it spoke -- was a particular sore spot for him. And when they gifted him that piece of garbage, the most infamous of them all…
As the Top Gear hosts turn to find the Civic to give to someone else, they spot Squidward setting the 2006 Honda Civic on fire, laughing maniacally. He screams out “LOUDWARD SUCKS! NO MORE LOUDWARD! NO MORE CIVICS! NO MORE AUGUST 12! NO MORE DRUGS! NO MORE WEENIE CRACKING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
The dumbfounded Clarkson had little to say. But still, the show had to wrap. “Ahh, nix that. ...and on that bombshell, it's time to end. Good night!”
And as the curtains drew on that night’s episode, no doubt one to remember for a lifetime, Hades drove his way across the landscape, while Barney stuck his head out the window like a big dumb dog. Some onlookers were wondering what the hell was something that ugly doing in a car like that, while in the backseat of the Sandero, Pain and Panic were just sitting there, wondering where Hades is taking them.
Hades said, “You know, you just gotta love a free gift, right fellas?”
Panic nodded in agreement. “Oh yeah! These seats are so comfy. Is that genuine leather?” He coddled the seat like he was sleeping on a soft pillow of white, fluffy clouds.
Pain just started playing with the seatbelt. “I didn’t even know they had these things! Sure beats horse-drawn chariots.” Within seconds, he got himself tangled in the seatbelt.
Hades just snickers, grinning at his new prize. “Well where we’re goin’ next, this Sandero is gonna look like Bacchus’ leftovers! Let’s just hope Barney’s Uncle’s in for a surprise visit.”
Completely ignorant of the punishment that Beast Megatron delivered upon him, Barney exclaims, “Yay! I get to see Uncle Gnashy again! He’s gonna be so exci –”
Before he can finish, a big-rig truck completely sliced his head off. Hades stopped the car, and looked upon his once-again dead minion. He then gave off an angry stare towards Pain and Panic, then booted them out of the car, yelling “GO GET HIS HEAD!” Being forced to comply, Pain and Panic then found Barney’s still-smiling head in a field next to a herd of cows and were about to grab it, when a yellow walking star caused the head to pop like a balloon, exploding in a shower of viscerae and brain matter. To their horror, it was the original Starwalker again, as they groaned in agony that he’d made more work for them.
“These cows are Pissing me off... I'm the original Starwalker”
Hades peered out the window of his car and saw the mess the original Starwalker caused. “Oy, I’m gonna be here a while. Seriously, what’s with the walkin’ star?! What, what did the universe just make an instant Barney killer cause it hated him that much? Heh, if we had one of those for every preschool show, Maki wouldn’t have needed to pull that little stunt.”
The star-creature then peered at the Sandero with intense displeasure, realizing that the Top Gear hosts had rewarded his arch-enemy Barney with the nice vehicle. “Those Brits should have picked the literal Star (Walker)”
The original Starwalker’s best friend then popped out of the ground, a red lump with a smiling face. “I’m Nubert! Everybody loves me!”, he said as the cows gathered around him and started to lick him affectionately.
Meanwhile, far away in the woods, stood the damaged remains of a Predacon ship – the Darksyde – which was once commanded by Beast Megatron until it crashed on Prehistoric Earth millions of years ago. But the merger of the worlds had shifted it and the remains of the Maximal ship Axalon to the present day. Now, it was the usurper that shared the name with the warlord, and it was clear that neither Megatron respects one another. The Megatron of old was a failure who couldn’t keep his treacherous lieutenant in line, but the Beast Megatron…well, there was someone who’s very actions ensured no one betrayed him. At least, not so competently, yeeeeeeesss.
Having left Villain Con early, he had been inspired to launch another genocidal campaign against one of those other pesky preschool series. As he sat in his hot tub, his rubber ducky in hand and an oil glass in another, operatic Cybertronian music played as the Predacon pondered over which childish locale he would destroy next. He had yet to hear of Sesame Street’s own near-downfall, so he had to choose between Sodor and LazyTown. Ah, but Robbie Rotten was just a harmless nuisance. But those pale-faced locomotives, especially that braggart express engine that wouldn’t shut up about himself… there was an ideal target. It had resources for him to exploit, cheap labor, and then he could get his followers to stop making comparisons between the glory of Cybertron and the patheticness that were those colorful puff balls. Something made him wonder how humanity could be so foolish as to find anything from those shows to compare his glorious visage with; ah well, just another reason to bring the human race to their knees.
But before he could contemplate on the matter any further, a bumbling insectoid robot came running in, a look of panic on his face. It was Waspinator, one of Beast Megatron’s lieutenants, and probably his most idiotic one to date. Scorponok at least had some loyalty, Tarantulas was too much of a sniveling backstabber with an intense appetite, Blackarachnia was as much The Vamp as she was all too eager to work with that cowardly spider, Terrorsaur’s ambitions were far too great, and Inferno had…a few screws loose despite his loyalty. But Waspinator…Beast Megatron almost forgot he existed sometimes, since all he ever seemed to do was to get blown to scrap.
“Megatron! Megatron!,” the buzzing Predacon cried out.
Beast Megatron stared at his lieutenant in one of the angriest glares he could deliver. “I thought I was not to be disturbed!”
Before the Predacon Leader could pull out his T-Rex cannon arm, Waspinator showed him a status report he had just received. “Dog Lady hazzzzz made Dark Lazzzer Zzzzword Man her zzzzlave!”
Beast Megatron looked on, somewhat befuddled, but intrigued. “Is that so?”, he asked.
Waspinator nodded, his voice still buzzing as he tried to explain. “Yezzzz! Dark Lazzzer Zzzword Man wazzzz sent to Puppet Town, but Puppet Town got zzzzucked into garbage dump! Dark Lazzzer Zzzzword Man'zzzzz mazzzzter zzzent him to die, but he didn't! Then Dog Lady kills Dark Lazzzer Zzzword Man'zzz Mazzzzter!”
Such information left Beast Megatron puzzling the situation further. He stared into the report, equally as intrigued as he is infuriated. But he dared not let his frustrations show. He turned to Waspinator. “Hmmmmm. This changes things. Leave me at once, and alert our Predacons of this information.”
Waspinator did as commanded and left, flying out to speak to the rest of the faction.
Meanwhile, Beast Megatron slipped into one of his famous monologues, content to discuss matters with the only person he can have an intellectually stimulating conversation with – himself, of course. “So, it would seem the Control Devil has finally made her move. An impressive gambit on her part, tricking the Emperor into invading Sesame Street by attempting a genocide of it herself. Yeeeeees. And now she's placed herself in a prime position to strike, now with one of the galaxy's most feared warriors at her side.” He stepped out of the hot tub, then simply slapped aside his invasion plans for Sodor; another instance of eliminating such pests would have to wait now that he knew that Makima would be gunning for him. “No doubt she has plans to come for those she would consider her rivals, and a few measly Predacons will prove ill-suited to handle her. But I suppose some sacrifices have to be made.”
Beast Megatron thought on which of his minions he’d have to throw to the wayside, but he got little chance to think on the matter any further when he heard the revving of an engine inside his base. A grey Dacia Sandero sped its way inside the base, where it stopped just in front of the Predacon Leader. Out of it stepped Hades, who immediately turned on that infamous charm of his.
“Hey, if you wanna talk sacrifices, I'm your guy.”
Incensed at this invasion, Beast Megatron aimed his T-Rex hand cannon at the Lord of the Dead. “How dare you disturb my sanctum! I told you I would not be so foolish as to accept your deals!”
Hades just chuckled – shortly after the merger, he’d started offering up his “services” to all the wayward souls he found, but none of them were willing to take the bait, Beast Megatron included. He’d even offered his godhood back in exchange for his spark, but it seems this lot was a lot smarter than the yutzes back in Ancient Greece. Still, Hades got right to the point. “Woah, woah, easy there Rexy. Listen, just hear me out, I'm not droppin' by for a cup of sugar or to get you to sign your little spark over to me for immediate godhood. I'm here because our mutual "friend" Makima, as I'm sure your little buzzy henchman told you, just made her power play move.”
The Predacon kept his cannon aimed at Hades, just in case. But still, he knew there may be some use of him. “Yeeeees. It's a most distressing matter,” he uttered.
“Trust me, I got the dead wrinkly guy makin' a stink in my underworld to prove it.” Hades then walked up to the robot. “Which means if we're gonna survive whatever scheme that red-headed mashugana has planned, we're gonna have to take things up a notch.”
This thought intrigued Beast Megatron. “Are you proposing we…ally against her?”
“You got a better idea, Megsy? Cause either we put up a “Dibs” sign on this corner of the universe before she gets the idea to go full Nero on it, or we’re gonna end up a bigger stain on the wall than what she did to Scotty back at the ol’ Villain Con, and trust me when I say that me bein’ gone’s not gonna help us bounce back like the old Chainmail!”
Beast Megatron thought it over for a second. He didn’t trust Hades one iota. But then again, he knew Makima wouldn't leave him alone either, and he only had so many Predacons to throw away in trying to stop her. He let off a grin, but maintained his sharp glare. “I see. But you realize this is only a temporary alliance. Once the matter is over and the Control Devil is but a stain beneath my heel, we will go our separate ways and work tirelessly to destroy one another.”
“Deal!”
Hades then started spitballing some ideas. “Listen, I know a couple of guys we can grab who wouldn't want to end up wearin' dog collars for the rest of eternity, some of which owe me big time if ya get my drift. Shall we get this little Neo Legion of Doom started or what?”
The Predacon Leader let off a small laugh. “Oh, I think we'll do much more than that, my flame-haired ally. To the cosmos, and to Makima, I say this: no matter what you throw at us, no power in the entire omniverse will be able to stop our power from destroying YOU . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
And with that, an atrocious alliance was born.
Before Megatron and Hades could get started, Eric Cartman, in his rodent-themed superhero guise from The Fractured But Whole (whose intentionaly racist name won’t be repeated here), walked in planning to join the villains, though not for the same reasons as them. Don’t ask how he got past security though – we’re just gonna say Scorponok fell asleep on the job. Or maybe Tarantulus was too busy sadistically cackling. Either way, his presence immediately caused both villains to glare back at him. Once again, even literal supervillains proved to be more human than Cartman.
“Count me in, you guys!,” exclaimed the disguised Cartman. “The fucking Ginger Queen made Star Wars even more woke! Now they made her a fucking girl power girlboss that turns Darth Vader into her little pussy bitch! No more trucies with her. We're gonna become the new C**n and Friends and fight against all that woke bullshit ruining everything I like!”
Incensed with his interruptions, Beast Megatron grabbed Cartman by the neck, choking him in his grip. “Ah, my sweet, innocent little intolerable brat! We're here to fight an actual war, not a frivolous culture war, noooooooo! GET OUT!”
Within seconds, Cartman was sent flying on another round trip to who knows where. Hades soon became –
“Ah, ah, sorry to interrupt the narrative there, whoever’s writin’ this (love the stuff your doing’ by the way, babe – can I call you babe?), but I gotta put this one out for all the folks readin’ just so they don’t get the wrong idea. Ahem…FYI for all you Hademaniacs out there, Jamie boy may do my voice, but I am not him, and he is not me. So yeah, I agree with Cretaceous Carl that Mr. I-Hate-Everything over there's an annoying little rotten olive who's way too hateful even for me. Whew. Anyway! We now return to your regularly scheduled mega-crossover!”
Confused by his cohort’s ramblings, Beast Megatron decided to press on. But while he listened in to wonder if Cartman had gotten sucked into a jet engine or something, a blue knightly figure entered the ship. Once again, Roulxs Kaard had made himself known.
“Feare not! I, too, shall Assisteth!”, he boldly proclaimed as he approached the towering robot.
“What?! NO, YOU BUFFOON! NOOOOOOOOO!” Megatron cried out in protest. “When we decided to start our little Villain Team-Up club, we didn't mean you ! We're good, you may leave now!”
But the Predacon’s words fell on deaf ears. “Haha, quite! We, as a Teame, art Goode!” Within seconds, Roulxs shrunk himself down into the Hammerspace inside Beast Megatron’s chest, stowing himself away. As the two villains wondered what the heck just happened, the walking star showed up again.
“I will also join”. Starwalker then walked (with a very smooth animation cycle) towards the Predacon leader and joined his fellow Darkner slash key item inside the hammerspace, once again flooring both the tyrant and the god.
Finally, after a few seconds of awkward silence, Hades spoke up. “You... uhhh, might actually want to keep that one around. Just in case your maybe-nephew-who's-also-my-minion shows up when he isn't 'sposed to, so…”
Beast Megatron let out a heavy sigh. “We need some form of vetting process…”
Notes:
See here for an older version of Hades' page with all the sweet deals he offered the other characters on the index!
Chapter 6: Eye of the Beholder
Summary:
With villains come heroes, and the TV Tropes Self-Defense Force is founded.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The merging of worlds was perhaps an all-too-common occurrence. Somehow or another, they were bound to collide, either due to some cosmic tampering, or someone managing to cross dimensions. And lately, it seemed to be happening all the more often. There were reports of a mysterious being gazing throughout the multiverse, watching as events unfold. Recently, there were claims that an unidentified starship was traversing through different realities to try and gaze at the accomplishments of other universes to see how humanity differed from theirs. Crazier still was the claim that there was a group of individuals with spider powers policing the multiverse, watching to make sure that certain events played out.
For Roz, this was just another day at the office.
Inside the massive building of the Child Detection Agency offices sat a slug-like creature with a big set of pointy hair and wearing rimmed glasses, thoroughly reading over a stack of paperwork. It was the ugliest part of the job, the paperwork, but somebody had to do it. And nobody did it better, since her paranoia was legendary around Monstropolis. Her town wasn’t like these other worlds – where she lived, it was all inhabited by monsters. Not beings of terrible morality, actual monsters with fangs and fur and claws and all that stuff. Most of them were all decent people (mostly being the key word here), and they were just average folks trying to live average lives. In fact, one of the most important parts of the monster society was that some of them were professionally trained to enter the human world to collect energy from them, giving them the means to provide power for the monster world.
For many years, this used to be scream energy, which the monsters accomplished by hiring scarers to enter specially-constructed closet doors of every single child’s room on the planet, then gather those screams into cans to be processed. After these monsters were trained at institutes like Monsters University or Fear Tech, they would be hired on by companies like the Worthington family’s Fear Co., or the Waternoose family’s Monsters, Incorporated, and sent into what was claimed to be a toxic environment. It was claimed that the touch of a child could kill a monster for so long. Roz just shook her head recalling that factoid. It wasn’t true in the slightest; kids had no toxicity besides the occasional germ. If anything, it was just a tall tail to keep them safe from the more malicious monsters, which is where the CDA came in. Their job was to make sure the monsters didn’t hurt the kids, under the guise of keeping the kids from contaminating the monsters with their “toxicity”.
And it was a good thing she was having them do so, too. 23 years ago, in the midst of a scream shortage, she had gotten a tip that someone was secretly funding a scream extractor to suck the scares out of kids – to the point of being lethal – with the aid of shifty-eyed reptilian Randall Boggs. She already had agents inside the factory watching a pair of expelled troublemakers from M.U. named James P. Sullivan and Mike Wazowski, but she felt it best to investigate the matter herself. As the administrative clerk for Scare Floor F, she butted heads with Mike to get him to file his paperwork on time, even though he and Sulley were supposed to be the best scare team the company had, while she watched closely to see who else might be involved. To her surprise, she learned that Monsters, Inc’s own CEO, Henry James Waternoose III, was the monster behind it, having tried to solve the energy crisis through extreme means to save his company. And all because a little girl nicknamed Boo had wandered into the monster world, leading Mike and Sulley to expose the whole conspiracy. Luckily, it was wrapped up nicely; Boo was sent home, and because the duo had discovered laughter was more powerful than screams, they were able to turn the company around in six months and solve the energy crisis…even if it took them a bit of time.
Still, trouble always seemed to find itself. Six months ago, M.I. was hit by an industrial fire from strange, unknown creatures that had been summoned by Randall, himself freed from exile by an otherworldly figure named “Vanitas”. It was only thanks to the unexpected appearance from three out-of-town monsters called Sora, Donald, and Goofy that the two were routed, but it led Roz to become concerned that there was much more going on in the larger multiverse. So on the side, she started to keep tabs on events from far, far away.
Pretty soon, she had two problems on her hands. Word had spread from within Fear Tech that Johnny Worthington III, the then-current CEO, was trying to sabotage M.I. using the once-again freed Randall Boggs, as a means to discredit Mike and Sulley’s successful laugh power efforts. That too was stopped thanks to – of all people – a pair of Jokesters from M.I. and the maintenance team, which even included Waternoose’s son, and laugh power was saved even as Worthington was arrested. But Randall escaped custody again not long after, and now she was trying to track him down through her other job as the head of the Monsters Energy Regulatory Commision, or MERC.
But not long after Randall’s escape, her earlier paranoias about the multiverse proved correct. Every single universe merged into one.
She quickly found that many of these villains from the various worlds were starting to plot to take over Earth (as usual), so she decided to act. She immediately put up a presence, warning these villains that under no circumstances was she going to allow any of them to hurt the humans. Roz herself made it clear: she would be always watching. ALWAYS watching. Always…
But how quick they were to dismiss her out of hand! Arrogantly, they assumed she could do them no harm. One Sheldon J. Plankton learned that the hard way when he tried to stage a hostile takeover. Within minutes of his monologuing, she’d shut him down with a virus and sent him packing to the Chum Bucket. Even before hand, there was one individual that she made sure could never harm anyone again: one Mister Gabriel Agreste, alias Hawk Moth, who had the ability to transform individuals into supervillains through a power called “Akumatization” by playing on their negative feelings and giving them the means to solve their problems – in exchange for obtaining the so-called “Miraculouses” of two Parisian superheroes named Ladybug and Cat Noir. Still, they always underestimated her. As she was going through the files on Randall Boggs, looking for any tips as to his whereabouts, one of her agents came into the office with a recent status report. It was her number two officer, clad in a yellow hazard suit. Standing at attention, he handed her the report.
Opening the file, she saw what she always suspected would happen some day: a supervillain (or five) attempting genocide, harm, or total control over a preschool world. Roz had a feeling that one of them would try it, but she was a little surprised that five made separate attempts within the span of a single day. Still, it’s not like anyone could tell she was shocked; her face remained as still as stone. She continued looking through the report – Makima killing Palpatine and seizing control of the Galactic Empire – and her spies discovering that Hades and Beast Megatron had reached an alliance. As if one villain team was bad enough, now there were two gunning for total control of this crazy new universe. If things got out of hand, there’s no telling what might happen if they found a way into the monster world.
Roz handed the report back to her number two. “Hmmmm. I should have known the Control Devil couldn't help herself. Now that she has the Sith Lord under her thumb, and Megatron and Hades are moving against her with their own villain team, I'm not expecting this to get pretty.”
“It never does, Ma’am,” responded her officer. “But I still have to remind you that outside of M.I., the humans aren’t supposed to know about us.”
Roz simply said, “Sometimes we gotta break the rules if it means total annihilation. Alert our forces to closely monitor Sesame Street in case Makima tries to attack it again, and make sure we keep an eye on the other preschool-based areas in case someone else gets the bright idea. In the meantime, we’re going to have to put together a task force to deal with the problem directly. Get me Nick Fury.”
Number Two replied, “Sorry ma'am, but we lost contact a day ago. Haven’t been able to raise S.H.I.E.L.D. on the comms. We’re trying, but something tells me they’ve got their hands full with something else.”
“Looks like we’re doing this the hard way, then.” Roz then entered into the CDA’s monitoring center, where she kept an eye on virtually every fictional character she could. “If these super criminals want to start a villain war, it's time we get an alliance of our own. And we're always watching for new recruits. Make the calls, gentlemen.”
As the CDA agents marched out to begin preparations, a green, one-eyed shortstack of a monster with horns approached Roz’s desk. Roz was quick to recognize this little guy as Wazowski, who no doubt finished the paperwork detailing M.I.’s recent gains in the laugh industry. After the near-total sabotage from Worthington and Boggs, they had a lot of paperwork to fill out cleaning up that mess. To Roz’s surprise, everything looks done from the small glance she gets at the giant stack. Then again, since Mike is both the lead Jokester and the company’s SCPOMICE-VDADOCREM (or Senior Co-President of Monsters Incorporated and Chief Executive Vice Deputy Assistant Director of Comedy Resource Management.), he probably had Fungus do all his paperwork…
Mike stood at the desk proudly, almost as if he was glad he finally got one over on Roz. “Roz! I finally finished my paperwork! All organized and stacked up and properly filed and–”
To his shock, Roz interrupted him and said, “Not right now, Wazowski. The entire multiverse is at stake and we’ve switched to Protocol 362-Alpha. Save that for when we return operations to normal.”
Roz then started to slither away, leaving Mike behind. “WHY CAN I NEVER CATCH A BREAK?!”, shouted the little green ball. As Mike dejectedly sulked, Roz turned back around. “Actually, Wazowski, there is something I do need your help with…”
Mike’s eye lit up as the scene jumped over to Monsters Incorporated itself. The massive structure, consisting mainly of a giant door vault, was humming with activity when the CDA/MERC head slid up and entered the lobby alongside, where a big, blue, furry monster with purple spots was waiting for her.
Roz looked right at Sulley, her gaze still as sharp as ever. “I trust you have my special request waiting, Mister Sullivan.”
Sulley grinned and nodded. “Yep. Took our guys a few days to figure out how to make it work the way you wanted, but she’s good to go.”
As the three walked their way over to Laugh Floor F, Mike looked at his compatriot all confused. “Wait, hold on! What special request?”
“She asked us about it weeks ago, Mike,” replied Sulley.
Mike just looked even more confused now. Sulley had to remind him. “At that meeting. Where she said something about the worlds merging.” Mike still had no idea what he was talking about. Sulley les out a heavy sigh. “The day the Creepies were playing the Red Sharks.”
Now Mike recalled that day! “Oh yeah! Boy what a game!” He rambled on about the wrong topic as Sulley just rolled his eyes in amusement. “Bottom of the Ninth, bases loaded, and wham! Slammed a triple header right over second! Hoo-hoo, now that was the game of the century!”
Sulley gently reminded his cohort, “And it was also the day Roz asked us to build that door she wanted.”
Mike didn’t seem to recall that particular request. “Eh, must have been dozin’ off that day. Besides, if it’s something Roz wants, I usually tune it out.”
Sulley let off another sigh as the trio approached Laugh Floor F. It had been emptied for the moment, save for the two janitors Smitty and Needleman, since this was an emergency situation, but the three of them still delivered a genuine M.I. style power walk as they passed the emergency lines. Strutting with pride and confidence, and with Randy Newman’s “Enter The Heroes” playing, it felt like the days of old when the Scarers marched onto the floor for the day’s work. But today, it felt like there really were heroes entering.
Mike took a quick glance into the administrative office to see if Roze – Roz’s sister – was in there, and noted her absence to try and confirm this wild theory that the two were one and the same. In the meantime, Sulley pulled out a special door key marked “Project: New Laughs” and swiped it in the key pad at Mike’s station. Soon, the familiar clickety-clack sound of the door track was heard as an usual looking door was seen being shunted in. It stopped above the station, where the door grabber lifted up, picked it off the hook, turned it facing properly, and lowered it in, with the automatic locks securing it. Sulley then pushed the button to activate it, and with the familiar brief hum of the light, it was all ready to go.
Needleman and Smitty both stopped their work to look at this strange door. The frame was no different, but the door itself looked more like it stepped out of a science lab than a child’s bedroom. It was all steel, marked with the project’s title, and had a large steel indentation in it. The handle itself looked just as industrious, and seemed to have an extra keypad on it.
Upon looking at this door, it finally clicked in Mike’s brain. “Oh, THIS door! Yeah, the one we made to access all those new laughs! Hah, can’t believe it slipped the old noggin’. Just haven’t used it since I tried gettin’ to that Futaba girl – boy was that room of hers a real challenge!” As Sulley just looked on, amused, Roz spoke up. “This time, we’ll have to forget about collecting laughs from new sources. With what Makima’s got planned, we’re gonna need the best to go after her.” She looks at Sulley. “Have you got the coordinates for the first recruit?”
Sulley handed her a file marked “Ash Ketchum”. She opened it, revealing the picture of a 10 year old boy with black, spiky hair and wearing a red and white baseball cap. The file read, “Ash Ketchum. Age: 10(?). Home: Pallet Town, Kanto Region. Occupation: Pokémon World Coronation Series Champion, Alola Champion, Pokémon Trainer. Mother: Delilah Ketchum. Father: Unknown.” Noted down below were coordinates for the keypad, denoting his energy signature. Once Roz typed them in, it would have the door spawn at his location, wherever that may be. Since he was always on the move, it was best to make this type of door portable.
As Sulley handed her the remote control to access the door, he asked, “You sure this kid’s the best pick to start your new team? I mean, he is kind of young.”
“Yeah!”, chimed in Mike. “You wanna stop this crazy dog devil, you need heavy hitters! A couple of guys who’ve done something as wild as…oh, gee, I dunno, exposed a massive corporate conspiracy and managed to single handedly solve a major energy crisis?” Sulley just shook his head in amusement.
“Sorry, boys, but I need you both here,” replied Roz. “There’s no telling what lengths Makima may go to, and quite frankly, I don’t trust anyone else to run Monsters, Inc. with you two out of the picture.”
Sulley lent in close to Mike. “Besides, Mikey, we still have to provide millions of people with laugh power, and we can’t do that if we’re out savin’ the world.”
Mike just let out a heavy sigh. “But adventure is callin’ our names, Sulley! Think of it – the dashing do-gooders puttin’ that no-good Makima in her place! The thrill of excitement!”
Roz snarked, “The javelin through your eye when Makima annihilates you.”
Mike frumped at the remark as Sulley snickered. Roz continued on. “Ash may be young, but from my records, he’s managed to save the world just as many times as the heavy hitters. Kid’s a born leader; and he’s got plenty of allies we can turn to. I doubt he’s gonna turn down another chance for adventure.”
Looking over the file, Roz entered the code, then pushed the activation sequence to track Ash’s location. The files were computed, the door looked, and within seconds…
Nothing.
Mike opened the door out of curiosity. Just a blank, empty void. Not wanting to find out what’s on the other side, he closed it. Then he opened it again to see if anything changed, but it was still a void. He did so repeatedly until Sulley stopped him.
Sulley instead just pondered what went wrong. “Huh, that’s weird. Maybe we got the wrong numbers?” Roz had a different idea. “Or he’s vanished on us like Fury. My gut says he’s somewhere we can’t find him, at least for now.” Mike just moaned. “Well, that’s just great! First recruit picked and he’s not even home!” He tossed Ash’s file over his shoulder. “Oh well. Guess we’ll have to –”
“Nice try, Wazowksi. If we can’t find Ash the easy way, we’ll have to track him through one of his friends.”
Mike just sulked, while Sulley runs back to get the files. Minutes later, he had a stack of them pulled from M.I.’s records retention. Roz grabbed the files and looked over the list of possible candidates to reach out to Ash – Misty, Brock, Tracey Sketchit, May, Max, Dawn, Iris, Cilan, Serena, Clemont, Bonnie, Sophocles, Kiawe, Mallow, Lana, Lillie, Goh, and Chloe Cerise (nearly all of whom somehow didn’t have last names, which was slightly confusing to Mike). She quickly looked through which one of them might be the best choice to reach out to Ash.
But the file for Dawn stuck out the most. She recalled that she was the first of the long list of compatriots that had reached out to the new world. Stowing the other files away just in case, she took Dawn’s notes and entered the coordinates. This time, the door found its way to the Sinnoh countryside, just outside where the Coordinator was walking about. Out of her gaze, she spotted a girl in a pink skirt and black tank top skipping her way along the path with a little blue penguin.
Roz turned to Sulley and Mike. “Well, gentlemen, this is my stop. If you need anything, contact my Number 2.”
Sulley smiled and grinned. “We’ll make sure the lights are still on when you get back.”
“Oh trust me, I’ll know if they aren’t,” snarked Roz. “I’m always watching you. Always watching. Always …” And she slithered through the door to seek out her first recruit. As it closed, Mike just shuddered.
“Eugh, she always gave me the creeps.” He let out a sigh of relief. “Well, glad she’s gonna be busy for a while! I’m free!”
“Wazowski!”
Mike’s short celebration stopped when Roze slithered into the building.
“Oh, forgot about you…”
Elsewhere in the vastness of space, a great light shone within the darkness. Upon the holiest of rings stood a magnificent creature, tall, white in color, its eyes gazing towards its creation. Nay, this be no other but Arceus, God of Pokémon. He stood tall, speaking towards those He considered His children – a blue and grey dragon of steel who mastered time, a pink and white dragon who controlled space, and a grey and gold dragon that ruled over the antimatter. Lo, for these were the Creation Trio of Dialga, Palkia, and Giratina. They stood before their creator, bowing in His presence.
Arceus exalted His words. “Alas, it would seem the conflict of worlds hast fallen upon us, my children. Thine watcher of the monster world hast cometh to seek aid in the growing war against the Control Devil. ”
Dialga lets out a mighty roar. Arceus responded. “Nay, master of time. It is not thine place to intervene. To risk Makima gaining thine powers would doth bring untold destruction. The risk is too great.”
Giratina protested. Surely there was something they could do! “Not this time, Lord of Distortion. This war must now be left to humanity.”
Palkia stepped forth, letting out a roar of its own. Arceus could only reply, “This Earth – this new Earth – hast the chosen warriors who may face annihilation head on. The Watcher has chosen such a champion; one of spirit, of compassion, and to seek beauty from within thine world.”
The three dragons looked upon Arceus, confused. “You wonder why I believe she is suited for this task, and not the Ketchum child? In truth, my children, Ash is of great heart and spirit – a strength of will worthy of the mightest of power. But his desire to do good oft comes at his own expense. He would not hesitate to endanger himself should his friends become victims of the Control Devil. If she succeeded in breaking his will, turning his strength against the universe, it would only resolve her further, and grant thy witch the means of total domination. Nay, Ketchum could not be involved. Not until the time is right.”
Arceus showed a portal to a sunny field, where a boy and his Pikachu were playing happily. The God of Pokémon then walked up closely to it, touched by the boy’s spirit. “For now, he will be protected from the watcher’s gaze – and that of Makima’s. He will be made ignorant of the truth. But I fear in time, the ones he considers friends will find themselves involved in this war, and may yet soon seek him out.” Another portal opened nearby, showing a young girl with black hair playing with a green cat, while next to her was a young boy dancing with a red crocodile. “And his chosen successors are far from ready. The watcher may not seek them now, but they have to discover the true power of Laqua.”
He closed the portals once more. Yet Giratina still growled, demanding it be allowed to join. It was somewhat of an amusement to the God, that His child would be so defiant still.
“You cannot simply demand a chance to face Makima by yourself. Seek thou the risk? To face her by thineself would only invite destruction.”
Giratina still insisted. But to Arceus' surprise, it offered a solution.
“I see…then mayhaps there is a way to ensure thine aid.”
Giratina seemed pleased and nodded before its creator. It then opened up a portal to Dawn’s location, intent on asking for something it never thought possible before. But now, the time seemed right. As it exited, Arceus looked once more upon the universe, a hint of humility in His voice.
“May your path prove most fruitful, Lord of the Distortion World. And pray for thine safe return.”
Notes:
Selections, selections…how exactly do we, as writers, unite heroes and villains?
Well, at the start of this little shindig, we had four — three of which were formed right at the beginning. Under Wyvu’s penmanship, Darth Vader offered his subservience to Makima after she slew Palpatine. As such, I was inspired to make a counter to them in the form of villains, uniting Beast Megatron and Hades under the same team. Then it got me thinking: shouldn’t the heroes have their own team?
Fortunately, Roz was the perfect person to lead them. I’d made her self demonstrating page years ago, seeing her legendary paranoia as crucial to making sure the other pages stayed in line. So once the villains made their move, she got to work forming the TV Tropes Self Defense Force (a little play on words Wyvu came up with being that they stemmed from the Self Demonstrating Pages). Once we expanded, everything involving Mike and Sulley, along with the Arceus bit, joined the story to add a lot more substance to Roz’s first choice of recruit (the joke being that Ash’s lack of a self demonstrating page meant Roz couldn’t get him needed to be adjusted; Dawn having one at the time meant she would be lucky choice number one). - chris4449
Chapter 7: The First Recruits
Summary:
With three factions in play -- the Neo Galactic Empire, the Neo Legion of Doom, and the Self-Defense Force -- each team finds their first new recruit.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Here's Some News
Across the world, people were tuning into their favorite news channels to hear about the most shocking development of them all: “Makima Declares Herself Galactic Empress”. Word of Palpatine’s death at her hands was spreading quickly, leaving the denizens of this new world deathly afraid. What was to become of them now that the Control Devil had seized control of one of the greatest powers in the galaxy?
Well, that’s where the news was having a little trouble deciding.
Of course, it wouldn’t be fair to say exactly which way either side of the issue was leaning, since we all know they have their biases. And it would be equally unfair to name them outright since we don’t want someone to put a bashing of specific news media refusing to tell the truth to further their agenda in the YMMV section of this fic on TV Tropes. Let’s just say that both of them weren’t helping the matter.
Fortunately, there was one channel that was willing to cut through the crap and call it out like it is.
In his desk sat Cody Johnston, host of what he believed was the last bastion of actual news left in the world, Some More News. Like many, he too was in shock that a literal anime villain was now in charge of the biggest power in the Star Wars galaxy – moreso than when he realized for the first time in his life, he was in an actual fanfic, let alone one in which every single fictional character existed under one roof, or one that included Some More News in the first place. But still, somebody had to play the sane man around here.
“Here’s some news,” he began his usual report with. “As I’m sure you’ve heard, a literal anime waifu BIRTHED from the loins of one Tatsuki Fujimoto who many of you know as Makima, or the Control Devil, has somehow managed to kill not-good-guy-that-we-don't-like, SHEEV Palpatine, and become the Empress of the entire galaxy." As Cody mentioned Palpatine, a thumbnail appeared on the screen directing viewers to the "Star War News" parody special that his show did at one point, which absolutely RELISHED in bashing Palpatine. "Because somehow or another, this new world fucking sucks. Hooray, we got rid of Space Trump, so meet the new boss: Space Putin. Or rather, Space Putin WITH TITTIES. Enjoy simping for a megalomaniacal war criminal, you filthy weebs!” He sighed heavily, knowing this was probably gonna get ignored, but he pressed on.
“Look, I’m not gonna lie; when I woke up and found that I was living in a fanfic where every single fictional character coexisted under the same roof, I was actually happy about it. I mean, surely there’s no reason to get upset considering we had big name heroes like Superman and Captain America protecting us, right? Well guess what? Superheroes also means that super VILLAINS are also a problem, and that also includes anime villains who can mind control people into doing their bidding, and are almost impossible to kill! And hey. Looks like the request I made on my Self-Demonstrating Character Page came true, and we now have a fanfic with Some More News in it!”
He let out another heavy sigh, realizing that if this was real life, someone would probably think he’s crazy. “And of all the villains that had to take over from literally the most evil man in the galaxy, it was Makima. The fucking Control Devil from Fujimoto’s hit manga series Chainsaw Man – the same lady you hear thousands of people barking at Suzie Yeng for at conventions, and/or carrying around leashes to display their kink in public, and/or offering to step on people for money.” He just shook his head at the mere thought. “But as much as this is worse than what sort of shit we’ve already been having to put up with, this isn’t something we can’t deal with.”
Cody picks up a stack of papers and looks over them before continuing. “In spite of the fact that Makima now has control of an entire fleet of ships and an even bigger army of stormtroopers, we have to remember that this is the Galactic Empire we’re talking about. You know, the same Empire who built a giant superlaser that could destroy entire planets, and it got one-shotted by a Jedi in one tiny spacecraft because every single engineer who built that thing were too stupid to realize that it had a major design flaw. Yes, she might be smarter than ol' Sheevy, but the shitty infrastructure he built is still in place!”
Behind him, his screen showed an image of the Empire’s Stormtroopers. “And don’t even get me started on these chumps. Stormtroopers? Can’t hit the broad side of the fucking moon. Her armies right now are literal idiots with crap armor and even crappier aim.” He almost cracked up at the thought of Stormtroopers trying to take on the superheroes protecting the planet, but he forced himself to remain composed. “Let’s face it, if she threw every single one of these guys at someone like…oh, I don’t know, THE HULK!” Behind him was a picture of the infamous green hero, smashing Stormtroopers like they were nothing.
“Yeah, that’s right folks. Makima had to pick the one Empire that’s manned by pure idiots. And last I checked, Grand Admiral Thrawn, the only of them with a brain, is currently in exile on some far off planet even she can’t find.” He finally let loose a big old smile. “Didn’t think that one through, didn’t you, Makima? Just cause you have Darth Vader as your right hand doesn’t mean you can just suddenly undo 20 years of stupidity overnight. All you’re stuck with is ambitious, scatter-brained–”
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Time fow da Twuth Alewt with Warmbo!”
Oh no. It was that scream again.
It was him.
Out of nowhere, Warmbo, Cody’s “partner” in the whole affair and cousin to the same Elmo that Makima almost painted the sidewalk with, scurried into the room on his many tiny legs, yelling at the top of his lungs. Cody’s expression immediately sank back to one of frustration. He’d been stuck with the little shit ever since his boss, Katy Stoll, made him part of the team. Cody never understood why; at least the politicians he frequently criticized stood for something no matter how much he disagreed with it, but Warmbo never stood for anything worthwhile in his life. All that little eldritch Muppet ever did was try to reach across both sides of the aisle, thinking that it was somehow possible for Democrats and Republicans to magically start getting along like the last 200 years of animosity between them never existed.
But what Warmbo started spouting next was much worse than Cody could have ever expected in his life.
“Twuth Alewt. With Warmbo!” so exclaimed the Muppet. "Warmbo just wanted to make it cweaw dat at the end of the day, instead of an old guy like Mister Palpatine in charge of da Empiwe, we have a fwesh-faced young woman! Dat's pwogwess! Amewica lost dat oppowtunity when Kamawa Hawwis lost to Donawd Twump faiw and squawe, but now we have a cwack at it again! MOWE! FEMALE! DICTATOWS! MOWE! FEMALE! TYWANTS!"
This sort of thing stunned Cody. Warmbo praising Makima? “Warmbo, what the fuck are you saying? Didn’t you just hear the whole part about me telling everyone that the literal Control Devil wants to take over everything?”
Warmbo just kept rambling on. “But dat’s whewe you’re wrong, Mistew Cody! Makima’s not a bad pewson at all! In fact, she told me hewself that da reason she took over da Galactic Empiwe is because she wanted evewyone to feel all safe and happy once dat bad old Palpatine was gone! She's one of da good guys, just like Mws. Hawwis! Now that she’s in chawge, Ms. Makima's gonna make sure dat those bad webel people who are twying to incite unwanted tewworist attacks on our glowious Empiwe will be destwoyed, and we can all wive in a safe and peaceful society!”
Cody just facepalmed. “Warmbo, you little shit! Makima is not! A good! Person! She isn't even COMPARABLE to Harris! There's a difference between a milquetoast-liberal-likely-war-criminal and a LITERAL SUPERVILLAIN. She literally manipulated a teenager for MONTHS on end to make him think he was gonna have a good life, only so she could break his spirit and steal the literal Devil within him, since she thinks peaceful lives and free will are concepts that shouldn’t exist!”
Once again, Warmbo ignored him. “Heheheh, you silly goat! None of that is twue! And even if it is, if we don’t like what Makima’s doing, we can all just vote hew out in four years! She’s in charge, and dat’s what the people want! Besides, Miss Katy said dat from now on, no one’s allowed to cwiticize our new and gwand Empwess!”
That tears it at this point. Cody just shoved Warmbo to the ground in fury. “NOT CRITICIZE?! FUCK! The BOARS prolly got to Katy! Where is she?! I’m talking about this with her right now!”
As if right on cue, a video screen appeared behind Cody, showing Katy Stoll, Some More News’ boss. Cody turns to her and angrily yells, “Well?! You gonna start explaining why we can’t go around criticizing Waifu Putin?!”
But all he saw in Katy were blank stares. She sat still for a few seconds, completely motionless. This wasn’t like her at all.
Suspecting something was off, Cody thought he’d try something. “Okay…so, anyone, back to the actual news. Like I said, Makima can’t do shit using those stormtroopers. Even if she brainwashed them, last I checked, she just mind controls people, not makes them stronger. You can’t exactly fix stupid even if you’re the literal embodiment of control.”
Then Katy started barking extremely aggressively. Cody turned around and saw his boss’s mouth foaming, as if he’d insulted her favorite band or something. Katy was acting like a dog. And then it hit him.
“WHAT THE FU–”
YOU'RE HIRED YOU'RE HIRED YOU'RE HIRED YOU'RE HIRED
Sitting upon her throne in the Imperial Palace, Makima sat watching Cody Johnston come to the horrific realization that his amusing little newscast was about to be placed under new management. She let out a slight laugh as the newscaster was screaming in anger that she had to interfere with the news, especially the only news that was going to criticize her instead of excusing her actions or openly defend her. But that’s why it was so fun; whatever word she wanted to be heard was now but a whisper away to that puppet.
Lord Vader, standing beside her, spoke up. “I question how this creature could be of use, my Empress. He seems particularly unwilling to commit to any philosophy of his own.”
“That’s why he’s the perfect choice,” said Makima in response. “Warmbo is a being who won’t pick a side, yet believes all he hears. It made him…easier to toy with. Normally it would require some slight effort on my part to place these dogs under my control, but all it took was a whisper to fool his little ears, if… he even has them in the first place.”
Somehow, Makima felt a bit stronger. Her voice was compelling to be sure, but now, it seemed almost hypnotic. It’s with this in mind that she realized Warmbo could be used to spread her propaganda; a far easier task than making those other fools who run the “news” do her bidding. “Still,” she spoke further, “Mister Johnston is correct in some small way; Palpatine’s forces lack the capabilities of reaching my grander ambitions.”
Vader couldn’t agree more. “Palpatine was shortsighted in his goals. He only allowed his officers to squabble, and replaced the far more effective clones with stormtroopers to ensure none of them would have the sufficient means to challenge his reign. And as the newscaster said, the only competent one amongst them is in exile.”
“You refer to the Grand Admiral?” Vader nodded in response to his Empress.
“Ah yes, Thrawn," she mused. "Perhaps the sole one of Palpatine’s lackeys that lacked the ambitions that held his Empire back for so long.”
Vader soon wondered if Makima intended to go and find the Grand Admiral. But something soon clicked; Thrawn may be brilliant, and he was loyal to the Empire, but he had his doubts that he would be loyal to his Empress in the same way he was. And such a gifted mind would not break as easily as Warmbo’s…
Still, Makima kept the Chiss in the back of her mind for a potential asset. For now, her sights were set on a greater target. “For the moment, we shall aim towards a greater prize. I have my doubts that Denji would be so willing to work under me again, having witnessed his fury not too long ago. But perhaps there is another…”
She thought on the matter further, wondering which of these new villains would best suit her purposes – someone who could effectively be the stand-in for her beloved Chainsaw Man until she could force Pochita to her whims. There were a fair share of chainsaw-themed characters out there to be sure, but it had to be someone who was easier to toy with. Someone like –
And with that realization in mind, she opened up another portal. She turned to Vader and said “I’ll be back with our new toy shortly. While you’re at it, take out the garbage amongst our ranks. That’s an order.”
She soon stepped into the portal, while Vader knew exactly what she meant. Inside of his mask, a smile formed on his face. Finally , he thought. The time for foolishness ends . He soon turns the communication device and says into it, “The following officers are to report to her majesty’s throne room immediately…”
In the meantime, a portal opened in what used to be the bustling and sprawling world of Toontown – a video game that had been developed by Disney. Long since abandoned by the company, economically-driven robots had tried to take over from those who remained in a new world known as Corporate Clash . Those that stayed behind had attempted to fight back against these Cogs, no matter how many jokes they had to pull out of their hat.
And it was here that Makima knew the perfect Cog to recruit.
As she walked around, her anime lustrousness clashing against the mid-2000s cartoony CGI graphics, she approached the section of Acorn Acres where the Cut to the Chase! Logging Co. stood. While most of the other Toons and Cogs that were fighting one another just ignored her, a few caught a glimpse of this unusual looking businesswoman. Some even questioned if she was from Disney’s legal department, looking to reclaim their asset.
Making her way down Walnut Way, Makima entered Cut to the Chase!'s headquarters. She stood in front of the receptionist robot.
“Hello, I’m here to speak to your boss: that false robotic Chainsaw Man. Mr. Chip Revvington.”
“And what business do you have with him?” replied the receptionist Cog.
“I have a business proposal for him,” Makima replied. She thought to herself about next steps. I’ve already analyzed his "override" and my powers should ensure complete and permanent loyalty whenever it's active, even when I'm not there... let's see if he can help me retrieve the real deal.
A bored-looking robot in a fur hat with a chainsaw for a head walked in. “Oh, it’s you,” Chip, the Chainsaw Consultant, said in a metallic Canadian accent with a dull tone in his voice. “The dog lady from that chainsaw anime. Ever since that damned show came out, my clients have been pestering me non-stop to do a collab of some kind. ‘Hey, paint your face orange!’ ‘Get that blond kid to do an ad for you!’ I’m too old for cartoons, alright? And the last thing I needed was a literal character from that show to come to my office.”
“Oh, that shouldn’t be a worry, Mr. Revvington,” Makima replied. “I’m sure my business proposal will be a mutually beneficial one.”
“Yeah, yeah. We’re not looking to expand into Japanese markets quite yet and we still have tons of bookkeeping to do before we can even entertain further partnerships. I'm just here to run my logging business, okay?”, said the Consultant, losing his patience. “Let me get back to my paper—”
“Did I say you have a choice in the matter?”
Makima shot a chain into his head. Within seconds, the robotic Mister Hyde within the Chainsaw Consultant’s Dr. Jekyll began to show itself, his eyes turning a solid red.
“PERSONALITY OVERRIDE ACTIVATED. DOWNLOADING HOSTILE TAKEOVER PROTOCOL. INITIATING CORPORATE MERGER. PLEASE WAIT…”
The Control Devil smirked as her new minion came to fruition. He stands before her and bows his head.
“You will give me your company and all of its assets, and serve under me in the Neo Galactic Empire. That’s an order.”
“CORPORATE MERGER COMPLETE. CUT TO THE CHASE! LOGGING CO. IS NOW A FULLY-OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF TOKYO PUBLIC SAFETY DEVIL EXTERMINATION BUREAU. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT UNIT HAS BEEN PROGRAMMED TO OBEY ALL ORDERS FROM LADY MAKIMA. AWAITING ORDERS. ALL HAIL MAKIMA. ALL HAIL MAKIMA. ALL HAIL MAKIMA. WOOF.”
The Chainsaw Consultant’s eyes began to flash and return to normal. He scowled at Makima. “You just HAD to activate the override, didn’t you?!? Well, that’s–” His eyes returned to red– “AWAITING ORDERS. ALL–” then returned to normal again– “a hell of a way to force your business deal–” “HAIL MAKIMA–” “through, but NO. I refuse– “ALL HAIL MAKIMA.”
“Oh, and one more thing,” added Makima. “Suppress that useless, disobedient personality of yours. Dogs should always obey their masters’ orders.”
The Chainsaw Consultant appeared to be in distress as he made glitchy, agonized screaming noises, while his eyes returned to red, glowing brighter than ever. “AFFIRMATIVE, MY LIEGE. PERMANENT OVERRIDE MODE ENGAGED. ALL HAIL MAKIMA.”
Makima let off another false smile as she opened a portal. “Good boy! Now, come. There’s still a few others I have in mind for our little Empire.”
Back in the Imperial palace on Coruscant, numerous dead bodies fell to the ground, lightsaber cuts still fresh. One of the survivors attempted to flee, but got caught in a Force Choke and dropped dead in almost an instant. Lord Vader looked upon his handiwork.
For the first time in a long time, he felt in control. The incompetents were dead. Their foolishness would no longer hold the Empire back. Palpatine would have never let him deal with the root of the problem. If only he wasn’t so focused on maintaining his seat of power; the Rebels could have been dealt with much more easily if these officers weren’t so busy trying to one up each other. But no longer would they ever be a problem. Now, he could run things the way they should be.
He grabbed a data pad containing a list of officers that had shown potential. They weren’t sycophants looking to advance their career, but proper officers who showed loyalty, skill, and a willingness to go far enough to bring about order. In his mind, these men and women would be the true face of the Empire. With a simple decree, they would be the newest Admirals of his fleet. Now the Rebellion would be truly over.
“It is never over, Darth. So long as there is evil, there will always be good to face it. And now your new master will find herself facing good like no other.”
That voice in his head. He knew it all too well. He felt his presence from even beyond the grave.
With the crushing force of his hands, a nearby console was reduced to rubble. He was tired of hearing the words of a dead man, let alone the one he had finally brought to an end. But somehow, he knew that from this day forth, he may not know peace again, for at any time, without warning, he would be sure to make himself known within the Force.
“Kenobi…”
Grunty Lends a Wrinkly Hand To The Wicked Villain Band
In a strange and pixelated world, its graphics having clearly not been updated since the early 2000s, walked Hades and Pain and Panic. The trio of demonic beings were in the midst of searching for their first recruit – now in a world where there were hundreds of them ripe for the picking. Behind the two imps was a very cheesy looking wagon, carrying what appeared to be melted green and purple remains.
“Remind me again why we had to come out here?” Pain groused as he dragged the wagon behind him. “This place looks way too pointy.”
“Ouch!” shouted Panic as he stepped on a primitively 3D-modeled blade of grass, its edges as sharp as ever. “Pointy’s right. Someone’s clearly let this place stay stuck in time.”
Hades just glared at his minions and said, “Hey, hey, hey, what’d I tell you two about kvetchin’ on the job, eh? Sides, we wouldn’t be in this situation if you nimrods hadn’t let our first pick turn into melted jello!”
“But it wasn’t our fault, boss!” shouted Pain. “We didn’t know that was gonna happen!”
A flashback sequence settled over the villains, changing the scene to a much more sinister looking castle, sitting atop a jagged cliff in the midst of a deep canyon. Night had befallen the palace as the cackling of a madwoman echoed throughout. Inside, a green, pointy-nosed witch was listening in closely to Hades, who was explaining the situation to what he had intended to be his first recruit: the Wicked Witch of the West. She held her hand to her ears as the Lord of the Dead yammered on about recent events, while Pain and Panic just stood in awe of the dastardly villain, wearing Wicked themed merchandise and holding limited-edition popcorn buckets from a showing they just went to. To their delight (and Hades’ annoyance), she autographed all of them.
"To little Pain, always believe in fear! And to little Panic, never stop being green and wicked just like me! Signed, Elphaba Thropp, the Wicked Witch of the West. YEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"
Hades then made his pitch. ”So listen, sugar, fact is, you used to be the top dog who took Sesame Street by storm, at least until discount evil Ariel decided she didn’t like the fuzzies anymore than you did. Now the world’s talkin’ bout her like she’s the most diabolical villain of the century! Well, how’s bout we fix that; forget those little ruby slippers or whatever, cause what you need is a little payback against the old redhead. Our little new villain group with me and the big lizard, plus some other guys, is gonna make Makima wish she’d stayed eaten and chopped into itty bitty pieces, and as one of cinema’s oldest and greatest baddies, well…you’d get your spot back, my pretty — and from that little dog lady, too! So, come on, whaddya say?”
As the two imps grinned in glee, hoping she’d accept, the Wicked Witch let out yet another cackle. “YEHEHEHEHEHE! So that nasty old Control Devil thought she could steal MY top spot as the most vile villain to invade Sesame Street, did she?! Well, that’s as far as she’s ever gonna get! I’m in! YEHEHEHEHEH!”
Pain and Panic both started doing a happy dance, then immediately held up their merchandise with pens, hoping she’d sign it again. Hades just shoved them aside and says, “Great! Great! Welcome to the Neo Legion of Doom, sugar! Trust me when I say that our little team is gonna make a splash in this crazy world.”
Ignoring the imps' request, the Wicked Witch let out another laugh. Hades just rolled his eyes, knowing all too well what happens when bad guys get too overindulgent in laughing like loons; that Jafar guy he dealt with once was just the first of way too many examples.
Meanwhile, upstairs, hordes of flying monkeys fled in terror as inside one of the rooms, Barney the Dinosaur made himself comfortable inside of a rusty old bathtub he filled up with water. As he sat inside of it splashing around like the overgrown toddler that he was (mentally), a rubber ducky he “borrowed” from Uncle Gnashy floating alongside him, he moved around with glee.
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!” the dinosaur exclaimed. “Bathtime is super-dee-duper!” He then started to sing a song that, if heard, would cause the most wizened of musicians to cry out in terror. “Rub-a-dub-a-dub in the tub, tub tub! Bathtime's here, let’s flub, flub flub!” The sound of Barney's voice was so horrid that multiple flying monkeys screamed in agony, with some of them even forgetting to flap their wings and plummeting to their deaths into the ravine below.
But of course, in true Barney fashion, things went horribly wrong. The rusty old tub gave out from under him, sending him crashing through the floor and landing in the room where the Wicked Witch was having her meeting with Barney’s master. The water from the tub then splashed out all over the Wicked Witch!
“NOOOOOO!” she cried out. “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!” Her body soon started to dissolve as she sunk into the floor. “I’M MELTING! I’M MELTING! OH WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD! Ohhhhhhhh…..”
And within seconds, the most dangerous threat to Oz had melted into a puddle, her reign once again at an end, though this time it wasn’t a small-town farmgirl from Kansas who did her in.
Hades looked over the boiling puddle, then gave one of the nastiest glares he could to his big purple doofus of a minion. Outside the castle, a massive fireball erupted through the room as he screamed. “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
The room was left in tatters as Hades, having lost his cool, marched up to the moronosaurus, still in the bathtub. Pain and Panic, burnt to a crisp, could only watch as their precious Wicked merchandise went up in ashes.
“YOU! YOU BIG, STUPID DINOSAUR! WELL, YOU GONNA EXPLAIN WHAT THE ME YOU JUST DID?!”
“I spent way too much on that limited-edition popcorn bucket!” cried Pain.
Barney only stared at his boss and blinked twice. “Bath time was fun! Let’s do it again!” Hades could only facepalm – and then watch as the bathtub suddenly filled with hydrofluoric acid. "Pain! Panic! Gas masks! NOW!" Hades, Pain and Panic donned gas masks, completely unaware that behind Hades was that walking star that somehow showed up everywhere.
“The witch is Dead”, said the original Starwalker in his usual extra-crispy voice. Out of the ground popped Nubert, who sang “Ding-Dong!” Meanwhile, Barney began to scream as the acid levels kept rising, melting his body into a pile of guts and corroding the bottom of the bathtub and the floor underneath it, causing Barney's remains (and the bathtub) to crash through several floors below and into the soil.
Unamused, Hades turned to Pain and Panic, who started to well up with tears as they mourned over the loss of their autographed merchandise. “Well, you two gonna just loaf around or do I have to make you handle the Code Purple?”
Pain just started to well up with more tears. “But…but we had tickets to a third showing!”
Panic replied, “Yeah! And (sniff) we were gonna show everyone our merch!”
Hades lost his cool again. “THERE AIN’T GONNA BE ANY MORE SHOWINGS UNTIL YOU TWO FIX THAT SCHMOE, NOW!”
Pain and Panic dejectedly started walking over to hole through which the purple pile of mush that was Barney fell several stories. They begin bawling like babies as they each descended down a rope into the crevice, and solemnly broke into song, trying to keep their happy memories of the movie at the forefront.
“It’s time to try defying gravity…I think I’ll try defying gravity…”
But the words just couldn’t reach them as their tears overtook their emotions, and they soon started hugging each other.
Meanwhile, the smell of meth filled the air in the underground chamber where Barney's guts and the bathtub's broken pieces landed. A bald, bearded man in his 50's and his younger, lanky cohort could only observe, having pilfered some of the Wicked Witch's potions for their new meth recipe, and spotted Pain and Panic gathering up Barney's remains and climbing back up their ropes. "Jesse, looks like someone's onto us," said the older man.
The flashback sequence then ended as Pain and Panic sighed heavily. “And to think we were gonna be the talk of the whole union," cried Panic.
Hades just stared at them, unamused by their story. “Eh, talk’s cheap these days. What matters is action, and thanks to you two, now I’m gonna have to take action and get ourselves another witch – one whom Barnaby isn’t gonna kill in a horrific fashion.”
Pain just said, “Then why’d we have to get…her? Couldn’t we have just gotten Witch Hazel?”
Panic nodded in agreement with that sentiment. “Oh, yeah! Hazel! She’s a big name in the witch community!”
“Forget it, boys!” said Hades. “Last thing we need is for her involvement to result in that lousy rabbit showin’ up and puttin’ a crimp in our plans. So I figured we might as well reach from the more obscure list.”
The trio finally made it up to a rickety old bridge, where across from it lay a giant, witch-shaped carving in the mountain. Now, they were at the home of Gruntilda Winkybunion, one of the nastiest witches who ever lived. Word had it that she once kidnapped a little girl to steal her beauty – not the greatest crime ever, but still heinous enough that Beast Megatron would be more than happy to have her onboard.
Hades turned to Pain and Panic. “Welp, time to turn on the ol’ Hades charm. You get Barney out of that goop pile and fix him for the next round.” He walked away as Pain and Panic were left sighing, once again left tending to repairs.
Inside the lair, Grunty was in the midst of brewing another potion – no doubt trying to steal someone else’s youth – when she heard a ring at the doorbell. Excitedly, she exclaimed (in rhyme of course) “Oh, is that someone at the door? Must be my order from the Witchy Store!”
Grunty opened the door of her house and saw a tall gray figure with flaming hair, while outside, she spotted two imps attempting to scrounge up some purple goop inside a wagon. “Hey sugar, name's Hades, Lord of the Dead, how you doin'? Listen, we got a little sitch going on—”
“Who are you?” exclaimed Grunty, “Is this a scam? Make like the bear and bird and scram!”
“No, no, it's not a scam at all. Listen babe, so there's this Control Devil klafte named Makima, and I heard from a little birdie that—”
But Grunty was unimpressed. “No thanks, I don't want to hear more. No one likes a door-to-door!”
She slammed the door in Hades’ face. The Lord of the Dead remained annoyed as ever – no one ever slammed the door in his face like that! But still, he needed her, and it wasn't worth trying to go get Hazel when he knew that’d attract Bugs Bunny…
Meanwhile, Pain and Panic had trouble trying to put Barney back together. Panic attempted to make sense of the Barney the Dinosaur Owner’s Manual, holding it upside-down, but it was about as bizarre and cryptic as you'd expect an instruction manual for a kiddie-show-mascot-turned-Lovecraftian-abomination to be. (Why did Barney even have an instruction manual, anyway?)
“There's only pictures, but no words!” exclaimed the green imp.
Pain grabbed the manual from him and tried to read it himself. “Are you kidding me?! There's only words, but no pictures!”
“I think you're reading the wrong section of the manual,” replied Panic.
“No, YOU'RE reading the wrong section of the manual!” retorted Pain. "Okay. Here's the Troubleshooting section. What to do if your Barney wanders into a fatal situation..."
And as usual, the original Starwalker showed up again and caused Barney's remains to melt into a large puddle and meld with Elphaba's remains, also in puddle form. Pain and Panic screamed in frustration. Panic tried calming down. “OK... take a deep breath…”
“This is YOUR fault!!” Pain exclaimed. “It says here in the manual not to let any long-legged star-shaped creatures within 10 feet of your Cloying Purple Dinosaur!” He showed a picture in the warning manual of a dead Barney next to a pink starfish…wearing fishnets on long, humanoid legs? The two did a double take, failing to recognize it as Patrick Star that one time in The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, but then went back to arguing.
“We KNEW that already, you doofus!” cried out Panic. “It's that stupid walking star’s fault for showing up in the first place!
Starwalker then spoke. “Not my problem”
Hades finally walked up and saw the bigger mess the star made. “Sigh, this guy again.” He just brushef it off. “You two! To me! Now!”
Pain and Panic quickly rushed over in a hurry.
“Well, bad news, fellas. Queen Greenie Beany Meanie’s not bitin’. And I don’t mean she’s wantin’ a quick snack from those rhymes she eats! Hmmmm... there has got to be a way to get through to her... a-HA! We gotta speak her language!”
Pain then questioned what that meant. “'K, so does that mean we gotta be all like "rah-rur-rur-rur-ah-ah--?" Pain and Panic shapeshifted into copies of Banjo and Kazooie, respectively, and started to chatter in Banjo-Kazooie-style Voice Grunting.
Hades just facepalmed at the sheer stupidity of it. “NO, you dolts! I mean you two, come up with some rhymes, quick!”
Pain protested. “But Lord Hades, sir, we're bad at rhymes!” Panic, inclined to agree, added “Yeah, and they're just plain stupid!”
Hades had had enough. “QUIT KVETCHIN' AND START RHYMIN' BEFORE I MAKE YOU COME UP WITH AN ENTIRE SONG-AND-DANCE NUMBER!!!” Catching himself, he momentarily calmed down, returning to his usual blue-and-gray. “Ok, forget I said that last bit. We’re not doin’ a musical episode since Mister Showtunes clearly ain’t gonna cut it around here.”
Pain and Panic just looked at each other, even more confused. “Umm... okay…”
The two imps merged and turned into an ugly green mailman (Panic) holding a bulky purple box with eyes (Pain), and rang the doorbell again. Grunty answered. “That's the package I ordered online! Now that new potion set is mine!”
Pain and Panic separated and transformed back. Rolling their eyes at the arduous task ahead, they got to work concocting some of the most painful rhymes imaginable.
Pain started up first. “Excuse me, miss—”
Panic followed suit. “Do you have time?”
“We're looking for some—”
The two of them then joined in together. “Partners in crime!”
Gruntilda liked what she saw. “Well, well, well, that might be nice. If you love rhymes too, I'm enticed!”
The duo continued with their efforts. “So there's this girl—”
“With long red hair!”
“She's giving all of us—”
“Quite the scare!”
Hades just at back, amused at the utter humiliation that his minions were going through. “Haha! Keep going, suckers!”
“She's a Devil—”
“The very worst kind!”
This got Grunty curious. “Well, what about her do you mind?”
“She's got mind control—”
Ever the curious one, Grunty interrupted again. “And laser eyes?”
“No, but you're in for a surprise.”
“Her right-hand man—”
“You won't believe!”
Grunty tried offering a guess. “Would I be dealing with Minecraft Steve?”
“No, it's much worse!”
“See, she spoke with—”
“A brand-new hire,”
“The Dark Lord of the Sith!”
“So, to fight back—”
“The boss hatched a scheme—”
“We're building the ultimate—”
“Villain team!”
Under his breath, Panic mumbled, “Gosh, I am SO embarrassed…”
It was this news that concerned Grunty the most. “Devil and Sith, they're quite the pair. They'll plunge the world into despair! If they conquer everything, there'll be nothing left! Us other baddies will be all bereft!”
With Grunty hooked, the two continued. “So, Miss Grunty—”
“This may seem odd,”
“But will you join our—”
“Bad-guy squad?”
“If you could—”
“It would be a boon!”
“To the brand new Neo Legion of Doom!”
At last, Grunty was convinced to join up with them. “Thanks for the offer, I think I'll accept! This partnership—”
All three finished off the rhyme. “You won't forget!”
Hades started clapping his hands in sincerity, impressed by how well they were able to come up with such a rhyme. “BEAUTIFUL! Just beautiful! That's the most productive slam poetry session I've ever seen, not that it's saying much. Since most slam poetry in the Underworld is absolute dreck. But it looks like we've got ourselves one for the team, boys! Let's report back to Lizardface and keep building our little Atrocious Alliance.”
Then, out of the wagon, the most hideous abomination arose – an unholy combination of Barney and the Wicked Witch. It started cackling and said, “Hello again to all my pretties! AND THEIR LITTLE DOGS TOO! YEHEHEHE –”
To eliminate it quickly, Hades fireballed the monstrosity and set it ablaze. He then gestured to Pain and Panic to go fix it, leaving the two sighing heavily as they were put back to work. Grunty just looked at what happened with some confusion. “A strange sight, that monster was. I hope that thing’s not part of our cause…”
Welcome to the World of Pokémon!
Out on the open fields of the Sinnoh Region, the sun was shining bright on another day. The Starly were chirping, the Combees were buzzing about collecting honey, and the temperature was just perfect. You might say it was the perfect day for a certain coordinator and her friend. Suddenly, from a recording booth, Rodger Parsons spoke. “We find ourselves in the Sinnoh Region, where Dawn and Piplup are once again out exploring the vast, wonderful world of Pokémon.”
Along the path skipped a blue-haired girl named Dawn, a Pokémon Trainer native to the area. Right next to her was a blue-and-white colored penguin called Piplup – her Pokémon Partner – who was skipping just as gleefully as his trainer. The two of them were practically inseparable, for they were as close as just about any pair of friends could get. Of course, it wasn’t always like that. When Dawn first turned 10 and got her license, she had it in mind to do only one thing: be a Pokémon Coordinator just like her mother, Johanna. But those overenthusiastic dreams of hers didn’t stop her from getting lost trying to find the lab, and a scuffle between Piplup and a Chimchar caused the two of them to get lost. Dawn struggled that first day trying to find them both, and Piplup certainly didn’t want anything to do with her. At least until they saved one another from a horde of Ariados that were looking to make a meal out of the two. After that, they found a friendship worth far more than any contest ribbons.
It was that moment that Dawn started looking back to, smiling as she recalled the embarrassment of it all. For it wasn’t just her first day as a trainer; it was the day that changed her life.
Shortly after she left, she found a wild Pikachu being chased after by some crooked thieves named Team Rocket. And that Pikachu wasn’t wild at all, but was owned by some boy named Ash Ketchum. In the ensuing scuffle, Pikachu destroyed her bike, but luckily for her, she was able to send those nasty old villains packing away. Ash caught up with her, and it was there that another friendship was born, for the Kanto native asked if she wouldn’t mind traveling with him and his friend Brock, Gym Leader of Pewter City. After all she went through, she just had to accept.
What followed were some truly wild years. Team Rocket kept trying and trying to steal their Pokémon, Ash was pushing himself harder and harder to beat the gyms and this rather grouchy rival named Paul, and Brock was just…well, being Brock, flirting with every skirt he came across. Along the way, they stopped to make a friend or two, and gained many more. For Dawn herself, she wound up with the most adorable Buneary, a rather energetic Pachirisu, a cute little Swinub that wound up evolving into an ill-tempered Mamoswine she had to tame, a feisty Buizel that she traded for Ash’s Aipom (that itself evolved into Ambipom and had since been sent away for training in ping-pong), a little Cyndaquil that was now a mighty Quilava, and a Togekiss that her identical double, Princess Sylvie, gifted her to allow the mighty bird to compete in contests.
Even then, those journeys were nothing compared to what else she witnessed. Too often, she saw Paul, with his cold and calculated strategy, wipe the floor with Ash when her friend’s blind faith in his team left him open far too often – something of which Ash turned around and used to beat Paul in the Sinnoh League (though some edgy guy named Tobias swooped in and wound up stealing away that victory, of all the luck). Brock finally made a decision to become a Pokémon Doctor, though it certainly didn’t hurt that his oft-strange Croagunk had to keep poisoning him to make sure he stopped flirting.
As for Dawn herself…she stopped for a moment, much to Piplup’s confusion. She sat down for a second, thinking about all she went through.
She remembered the heartache of losing multiple contests; how depressed it had left her when she failed to make the qualifiers twice in a row. She remembered how Zoe had told her that she’d been focused too hard on her performance and not having fun. Then she thought back to the Wallace Cup, where Ash’s friend, May, had faced her, and whom she narrowly won against. And from there, she kept improving, growing, until she faced Zoe one last time in the finals for the Grand Festival – and lost. Just narrowly, but still. And after all that, she chose to chart her own path, living the life of a carefree coordinator.
Piplup stared at Dawn, wondering why she was thinking back to all this. Dawn herself was perhaps just as confused as to why she was having this sudden urge of nostalgia. But eventually it dawned on her; just a few days ago, she suddenly found all these unusual people wandering around her world. There was something about a talking sea sponge, some tech-savvy reclusive redhead from Japan, and even this little red Muppet. And some screechy-sounding kid with a bad temper who tried to kill said Muppet, much to her shock. For some reason, she had to put her name out there and say hi to these strangers.
She thought about the matter further. It had been a few interesting days right before all this happened, since she saw Ash manage to accomplish a major feat when he bested Leon at the World Coronation Series Championships, becoming the strongest trainer in the world. After that, he just disappeared after a while, and nobody had any idea where he was. Maybe she was just worried about where he was, she thought, so why not make new friends?
Nonetheless, she saw Piplup was worried. She let out a big old smile and said, “No need to worry! I’m doing just fine, Piplup!” The penguin let out a little chirp, trying his best to smile. She giggled, touched by her partner’s cuteness. And then her stomach rumbled. So did Piplup’s. “Oops!” she exclaimed in embarrassment, no doubt from the loud sound her stomach made. “I guess it’s been a while since we’ve eaten.” She turned to Piplup. “Why don’t we make camp and have something?” Piplup nodded in agreement, as his face sunk from all the hunger. Dawn laughed again, no doubt recalling her partner’s propensity for food. But as the Pokémon Trainer was about to reach into her bag to pull out the tent, she heard something coming from the bushes. Wondering if it was some kind of Pokémon or someone pulling a prank, the two got up and decided to investigate.
Not wanting to be pranked, Dawn called out. “Who's there? Ash? Is that you? I swear, if you think this is funny—”
Something does move out of the bushes, but it wasn't Ash. Rather, a molluscan form emerged, surrounded by unknown beings dressed in yellow hazard suits – all of whom were depicted with sleek, but cartoony CGI in a contrast to the Pokémon Trainer being in a Japanese anime style. Dawn quickly panicked at the shocking sight as Piplup jumped forward and glared, hoping to protect his trainer.
The slug creature then spoke. “Hello, Miss Dawn,” said Roz in that gravelly voice of hers. It only just further frightened the two, as Piplup jumped up in the scared Dawn’s arms. Neither of them knew what to make of it.
In her panic, Dawn exclaimed, “What — did that Pokémon just talk?!”
Roz just shook her head. “Miss Dawn, I am not a Pokémon.”
Not trusting the word of a complete stranger, Dawn pulled out her Pokédex to verify that she wasn’t seeing things and that this apparent new Pokémon wasn’t some hallucination or Team Rocket trick. The machine couldn't find any information, much to her surprise. The yellow beings next to her just looked at her as if she was crazy. “If you're not a Pokémon, that means…” It suddenly hit Dawn that she wasn't talking to a Pocket Monster at all. “You’re a monster!” Panic suddenly hit her and Piplup even harder now, especially the latter, who feared that the strange slimy creature was going to eat him! And he himself hadn't even eaten his food yet!
“Very observant.” Roz said with a strong sense of sarcasm. “But rest assured, my kind no longer scares your kind. Right now, we're actually trying to protect it.”
This wording stunned Dawn. She’d never heard of heroic monsters before, but she sensed that this slug is being honest somehow. She kept Piplup handy just in case, but asked, “You are? How?”
Roz replied, “Not too long ago, The Control Devil managed to overthrow Emperor Sheev Palpatine of the Galactic Empire, and willingly gained a new servant in the form of his apprentice. Word spread amongst the villains, and we've confirmed the Predacon leader and the Greek god of the dead are forming their own alliance to stop her. Naturally, as we're always watching their movements, the CDA has authorized a recruitment of heroes to stand up against both threats any way they can.”
Such news shocked Dawn even further. She didn’t have much of an idea who these people were (well, except Hades, since he sent her a message offering to make her a top coordinator or getting Ash to be her boyfriend or something if she sold her soul to him – even offered to take Team Rocket out if she did – but she just blocked it. She didn’t trust that kind of deal), even when she saw that they were active. All she knew is that Makima and Beast Megatron were pretty nasty villains that everyone was scared of. Out of curiosity, Dawn asked, “But why me?”
Roz could only respond by saying, “Truthfully, I was looking for your friend, Ash Ketchum, but it seems he doesn’t want to be found.”
“You were looking for Ash?” asked Dawn. “I haven't seen him since the World Coronation Series ended. Gosh, last I heard, he left to see the world. But can't you find him on your own?”
“Unfortunately,” responded Roz, “Someone or something is keeping us from finding him. But we need experienced fighters, and since you've managed to fight gods and come out on top, and because your friend is otherwise missing, it's time we start with you.”
This shocked Dawn quite a bit. Her? Saving the world? Well, she helped save it once or twice – both times involving Team Galactic when the villainous Sinnoh organization attempted to forcibly remake the world under Cyrus. But in all honesty to herself, she never thought this alone would make her hero material. Every possible thought about what to do raced in her head as Roz reached out her hand.
“So, what do you say?” The slug watched closely as Dawn’s face got nervously giddy at the prospect as she tried deciding whether or not to accept.
“Uhh...well, I…”
And it was there, as Roz stood waiting for Dawn to make up her mind, that Rodger Parsons interrupted.
“The road for Dawn and Piplup has just taken an unexpected turn! With the war between Makima's alliance and Megatron and Hades' own group of villains brewing, our favorite coordinator from Sinnoh and her Pokémon friends may be amongst those chosen to stand against the ultimate evil! Will she accept Roz's offer? Stay tuned, as the journey continues!”
Suddenly... a tear opened in the fabric of space-time. Dawn and Roz each took a step back, frightened, as a gigantic, worm-like ghost dragon emerged from the rift. As it left the rift, the dragon changed forms into a hexapedal, ground-bound body type. Dawn recognized the imposing beast as the Legendary Pokémon Giratina, Ruler of the Distortion World. It stood before her, then let out a mighty roar.
“BISHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!”
Giratina turned its gaze towards Dawn and Roz, watching the CDA agents line up in case this beast tried to attack, and... bowed its head to Dawn, then occupied one of her Poké Balls without warning. Within seconds, the Poké Ball clicked. In her hand, Dawn was soon surprised to see that she now had one of her home region's Pokémon of Myth on her team. If she didn’t see it with her own eyes, she almost wouldn’t believe it. But since her party was full, it shrunk down to an unusable state, not willing to get any bigger until she swapped out one of her slots.
Still, this unexpected gift made Dawn smile. Now she knew that there was no choice but to join. She turned to Roz and says, “Alright! We’re in!” Piplup jumped up in solidarity, cheering about saving the world – not that Roz seemed surprised, but with that stone face of hers, it was hard to tell. Still, Dawn got onboard, so that counted for something...
“Well then, Miss Dawn, looks like we’ve got our work cut out for us. There’s still plenty of recruiting left to do, so I suggest you pack lightly until we can get a base of operations going.”
Dawn grabbed her backpack and exclaimed, “No need to worry! I’m always ready for whatever comes next!”
Roz seemed almost amused. Almost. That sort of boundless enthusiasm was hard to come by these days, but at least it was something. Still, it gave her an idea. “Then let’s hope you’ve got your swimming gear, cause I think I know where to stop next.”
“Huh? My swimming gear?”, Dawn confusedly asked.
“Trust me,” said Roz. “This place doesn’t make much sense, but I think our next recruit would be more than eager to help us out. Something tells me you two would get along.”
She still had no idea what the slug is talking about, but Dawn decides to go with it. She watches as Roz pushes a button on some remote, summoning an industrial looking door out of nowhere. On the other side, she can hear tropical music playing as the sounds of the ocean sway. Out of her nose, she smells something extremely delicious, causing Piplup to start drooling. Maybe Roz has one of those tropical beach vacation spots in mind to find their next recruit? In any case, she reaches into her bag and checks she has all the essentials, then shouts out, “Come on, Piplup! Let’s dive in!”
The penguin cheered out as the three entered the door with the CDA Agents right behind them – all unaware that further back, they were being watched.
Inside one of the trees, a purple-haired man, a woman with a huge magenta bouffant, and a cat-like Pokémon were spying on Roz and Dawn. Yes, folks, Team Rocket's in this fic. And they were even more confused than ever.
Jessie, eyeing the situation from afar, looked through her binoculars and exclaimed, “What on Earth is that twerpette doing? And what kind of Pokémon is that?”
James, standing right next to her, sayid “It must be some sort of rare Pokémon – one that has the power to summon Legendaries right from under her fingertips!”
Meowth just let out a sarcastic remark. “Yeah, cause Pokémon can summon Legendaries like waiters – gimme a break! If I could do that, we wouldn’t have to be stuck out here waitin’ for dat twerp to show up!”
James let out a heavy sigh. “Of course it would be a lot easier, considering he just vanished on us. Honestly, I miss those days...”
Jessie fumed in agreement. “Vanished is right. We had him right in our sights, then he just disappeared! And we were so close to catching that Pikachu!”
The trio sighed in unison. For what felt like forever, they kept trying and trying to steal that electric mouse with no luck. While they’vd come to accept that they were just never gonna succeed and figured the thrill of trying was more fun, the fact they kept losing so often still stung. And now, it feels like Arceus itself was keeping them from winning. Boy, if only they knew. When suddenly...
“WOBBBBBU!” Wobbuffet popped up out of its own Poké Ball, as per usual, agreeing with its teammates.
Meowth suddenly got an idea. “Hey, wait a second! If we can swipe dat Giratina from the blue-haired twerpette, that’d really give da boss somethin’ to celebrate!”
“You’re right, Meowth!” exclaimed Jessie. “With the power of the Distortion World on his side, Team Rocket would be unstoppable!”
“And it would give the boss access to a whole new dimension!” added James. “He could conquer any reality he wanted!”
The three snickered, thinking they’d finally found their meal ticket. Forget Pikachu; a legendary Pokémon of this proportion could grant far more power to Giovanni than ever! In their excitement, they charged after the door, hoping to catch Dawn and Roz before they left, but just as they reached it, it slammed shut in their faces. The door then vanished before their eyes, leaving them screaming, red faced from the impact, as their prize disappeared. They lay flat on the ground, disappointed that failure had once again reared its ugly head.
Jessie let out another sigh. “Guys, does something feel off about this whole thing?”
James responded, “Which part, the fact that a new Pokémon has a magic door, or the fact we couldn’t steal it?”
Meowth added in, “With our luck, probably both.”
And so the three just lay there for a few minutes, sighing out loud once again. Guess some folks couldn't catch a break. But don’t worry; they'd be back again. Those three always found a way to stick their heads in where they didn't belong.
Speaking of Giovanni, gosh, remember the time he formed Team Rainbow Rocket and tried to rule the whole multiverse? Well, some distance away in a jail cell, one of his collaborators -- a middle-aged man with dull green hair -- sat in a jail cell, clad in a straitjacket.
“I am… PERFECTION… I… deserve… to rule… this world…”
Ghetsis Harmonia, notorious leader of Team Plasma, had just failed in his second attempt to take over the Unova region and was reduced to a gibbering wreck. How the mighty had fallen. Several years prior, he had masterminded a plan to take over Unova by raising his adopted son, Natural Gropius Harmonia, to be the leader of Team Plasma and fight for the phony cause of Pokémon liberation – something that Natural, or N as he was known, genuinely believed in. Unfortunately, that plan was thwarted by a brave Pokémon Trainer from Nuvema Town, who had befriended N and got to know him personally. Two years later, Ghetsis attempted a takeover plan yet again with a rebranded Team Plasma, this time using the power of the Legendary Pokémon Kyurem. Yet he lost yet again, this time to a Trainer from Aspertia City. The humiliation of his loss had caused him to lose all sanity, leading his servants – the Shadow Triad – to take him into custody. After this, he was forced to face trial and sent to a maximum-security prison off the coast of Alola, stripped of all his power, his belongings, his minions and his Pokémon.
“ME… it should have been ME…” Ghetsis continued to ramble maniacally. Suddenly, his cell door opened. Could it be…? Was one of his loyalists here to help him return to his former glory?
A woman with red braided hair and piercing yellow eyes entered the cell.
“Greetings, Mr. Harmonia,” Makima said in her usual sultry tone.
“Who are you? WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?!?”, Ghetsis yelled.
“Oh, just a visitor,” Makima replied. “The wardens of this prison are easily persuaded.”
“Stop playing games! ARE YOU HERE TO HELP ME OR NOT?!?”, the fallen Plasma boss cried out.
“I’ve heard lots of things about you, Ghetsis,” mused the Control Devil. “Your plan to take over Unova was admittedly pretty clever, but I’d say it… needed work in a few areas. I also once had a plan to take control of the world. It failed, but I got back up again and now I’ve become Galactic Empress.”
“STOP TALKING NONSENSE! YOU’RE A FREAK! A FREAK WITHOUT A HUMAN HEART!”, Ghetsis spewed, regurgitating one of his final insults that he once used towards his own son.
“Indeed, I am,” Makima affirmed. “I assume you might be interested in joining my new Empire?”
“Will it… help me?” Ghetsis seemed to calm down a little as he started to have a bit of hope for his future.
“Sigh… unfortunately, I don’t think there’s space for someone like you on my team,” Makima said breathily as she figuratively pulled the rug out from under Ghetsis. “Too self-interested and we have enough schemers already. But… you’re a powerful Trainer with powerful Pokémon by your side, so I’d say this venture wasn’t completely worthless.” Makima then held out a Poké Ball.
“Pokémon are just tools!”, Ghetsis yelled. “Tools to grant ME the power I desire!”
“Oh, dear Ghetsis,” Makima replied. “If only you could understand the bonds between humans and Pokémon, just like your son could. I understand those bonds. I create those bonds.”
The redhead then summoned the Poké Ball’s occupant: a large, sinister blue flying dragon with two small, brainless heads in place of hands. It roared from all three of its mouths.
“Hydreigon!” Ghetsis exclaimed, excited to see his most powerful Pokémon once again after months of isolation. “You will help me escape from this infernal prison at ONCE and devour all those responsible for my captivity!”
Makima let out a giggle. “That’s pretty telling. The first thing you tell your most faithful Pokémon is what you want it to do for you. But… I met your Hydreigon, thanks to one of those easily-persuaded prison wardens. Poor thing.” Makima stroked Hydreigon’s main head as it purred and nuzzled her. “You never loved it, and it never loved you back.”
“Pokémon aren’t even sentient! They have no wills! No feelings! No minds of their own!” Ghetsis shouted as his sanity began to slip away again.
“Mr. Harmonia, do you know about dogs? Perhaps you may be familiar with similar creatures such as Herdier and Growlithe. Humans love them. They're loyal, easily handled, clever and stupid. Just watching them is fun. And also… they love me. Now, I have the power to control those I know to be lesser than myself, but let’s just say it helped that your pet dragon was already hungry for dessert. More precisely, your just desserts.”
“Are you… are you… no… you can’t! YOU CAN’T! HYDREIGON! LISTEN TO ME!”, Ghetsis hollered, realizing the doom that was about to befall him – a doom that he had already imposed on others with that same Hydreigon under his command. He looked on in horror as the powerhouse Pokémon he once trained – no, enslaved – snarled and growled at him, eager to get back at its former cruel master. While its side heads just sat there as expressionless as always, on account of their lack of autonomy, the eyes on its main head were clearly filled with rage, hatred, and hunger. A near-insatiable hunger typical for the Hydreigon species.
“Hydreigon? Say thanks for the food!” Makima said with a trolling half-smile.
From outside the prison, an insane man’s loud screaming could be heard, followed by the crunching of flesh and bone.
Notes:
Here's a bit of an interesting factoid for you readers. The Wicked Witch of The West's addition came as something of a creative inspiration. At the time we wrote this story on TV Tropes, she didn't have her own self-demonstrating character page, so the writing team was mainly focused on characters that did have self-demonstrating pages to join the story - which, of course, most of the characters you've seen so far have. But after we were forced to move it off TV Tropes when it was deemed against site policy to host "original fanfiction", we felt it was fair game to incorporate more characters that didn't have pages, so long as we deemed them a good fit for what we had planned.
The Wicked Witch herself actually did appear on Sesame Street once upon a time (back in the 1970s in what was once a lost episode), so her appearance her was in reference to that. As for why she died at old Barnabas' hands... well, this whole thing started because of him. Just as a fair warning, the purple guy's gonna die. Repeatedly. Don't worry, Hades'll make sure he's taken care of. Eh, mostly.
Dawn and Chainsaw Consultant were a different story. They do (or in Dawn’s case, did) have self demonstrating pages, so Roz recruiting the trainer while Makima brainwashing the Cog to was pretty easy to put together. The only one major new segment was Cody, since Wyvu happens to be a major Some More News fan and helped to incorporate it into the fic, allowing for proper political commentary into our current situation. But Kenobi…he didn’t have a page at the time if the story (and likely won’t given the current state of TV Tropes). However, with our expansions, I felt it was important that, with Vader’s redemption prevented, the old master needed to take a different approach and return his old friend to the light. So, here he be!-- chris4449
Chapter 8: Servants of the Empire
Summary:
Makima recruits a few more new faces to the Neo Galactic Empire, while a certain Dark Knight makes his presence known...
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Hello There, Old Friend
The rage on his face could not be seen from within his helmet, but his feelings on the matter were clear. Now standing before him was the man that, at one point, he held responsible for his suffering. The man of whom, instead of standing with him in building a new Empire, chose to stand in opposition of him. The man who rendered him helpless, slicing off his limbs and leaving him to burn on Mustafar.
The man he had finally killed after so long.
Before Darth Vader stood the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi, looking just the same as he did in their final duel. Yet his old Master was now one with the Force – untouchable by any means. There was so much Vader wanted to do, but he knew that Kenobi couldn’t be harmed any further.
“I told you,” spoke the Jedi Master, “When you struck me down, I would become more powerful than you could ever possibly have imagined. But you never were a good listener.”
Vader’s fists clenched. “So, it would seem even death cannot stop you from returning to end our conflict.”
Obi-Wan began walking around his former apprentice in a circle. “The Force moves in mysterious ways. Through training, patience, and persistence, I was able to achieve what had been thought impossible.”
“My son. Does he know of this?”
“Luke is aware of what I have become, yes.” Kenobi continued further. “But it is no longer my destiny to train him as a Jedi Knight.”
Vader stood motionless, watching as the ghost continued his circling. “Still you cling to the old ways. The Jedi were destroyed by their own hubris. Would you subject him to the same fate?”
“He is far more of a Jedi than you or I could have ever hoped to achieve.” Obi-Wan beamed with pride thinking of his pupil. “He has shown resolve, compassion, and the willingness to see beyond his own eyes. It’s remarkable how far he’s come.”
At this point, Vader felt it was best to address the Bantha in the room. “And yet you deceived him. Was it not you who claimed that it was the man before you who slew the man you knew?”
Obi-Wan just snickered. “But it was true – from a certain point of view.”
Vader just brushed off such Jedi nonsense. “How many other lies have you told him of the order we used to serve?”
“You will find that you have little to stand upon when it comes to serving orders,” spoke the Force ghost. “When Qui-Gon first found you, it was Watto. When you joined the Order, it was your own emotions. When the Jedi fell, it was Palpatine. And now you serve the Control Devil.”
“Do not speak to me of my choices, Kenobi,” said Vader. “Unlike Palpatine, I choose to serve her willingly.”
“Because she ended the Sith where you could not?” Obi-Wan stopped in his tracks, staring at his former apprentice.
Vader replied, “Because she alone recognizes how to rule a galaxy.”
The Jedi Master just shook his head. “You still fail to understand, Darth.” He walked towards the Empress’ throne and sat upon it. “She was never meant to rule this galaxy or any other. The Force is out of balance because of what has become of this new world.”
Vader knew what he was referring to. “You speak of the merger. I fail to see how this is of any consequence. Under her rule, the Rebellion will die, the galaxy will see order instead of the grandiose scheming Palpatine instilled, and my place as her right hand will allow her Empire to reign for eternity. You have lost, old man. It is as you said: your friend truly is dead.”
But Obi-Wan didn’t blink; he didn't even move. Vader’s words could not phase him. He just continued to sit there, as in the days of the Clone Wars, smirking with that same old grin and refusing to give an inch. Vader knew this look all too well. Kenobi had a plan, and his opportunity to enact it was now. Finally, the Jedi spoke. “I had once thought your redemption was impossible. But when the worlds merged, I learnt of a different story.”
And with the wave of Kenobi’s hand, Vader was now caught in a Force Vision.
Soon, in the depths of the energies that bound the galaxy, Lord Vader then found himself in a different throne room – one where Palpatine stood over…his son?
No, this wasn’t right. Palpatine was dead. And Luke was nowhere near here! Worse still, he saw himself, standing right next to his late master. Outside he could see a fierce battle raging over what appeared to be the forest moon of the planet Endor. Somehow, this felt familiar…
He stood silently as he watched his other self do the same, seeing the Emperor use his lightning upon Luke. Vader saw his son screaming in agonizing pain, pleading.
“FATHER! PLEASE! FATHER!”
But the other Vader stood still. All he could hear over the screams was Palpatine cackling like a madman, watching as the Jedi who opposed him was begging for mercy.
And then he saw his other self do the impossible: he grabbed Palpatine. "No. NOOOOOOOOO!", the other Vader yelled in desperation, causing the real Vader to reel slightly in confusion and embarrassment. Within seconds, he watched as the Emperor’s lightning fried his other self’s machinery as he screamed for his apprentice to put him down. But this other Vader didn’t listen. Instead, with all his might, he threw the vile man down a reactor shaft.
It seemed almost unreal.
“This was your true destiny.”
Vader turned as he saw Obi-Wan stand right next to him. The Jedi seemed almost mournful, in a way. Both of them saw Luke rush up to the other Vader, his breathing apparatus letting out a painful wheeze. It was clear that the Force Lightning did more damage than it seemed on the surface.
But the true Vader seemed almost in disbelief. “What you show me is another lie, Kenobi. It is not true.”
“But that’s where you’re wrong, Darth. It was true. Or it would have been, had the worlds not merged together.”
Suddenly, things changed. No longer were the two in the throne room, but in a shuttlebay. A Lambada class shuttle was in the hangar, while alarms were blaring for everyone to evacuate. Hundreds of Imperial personnel fled the scene, while Luke dragged Vader to the shuttle. He just got him to the ramp, as the true Vader and Kenobi both heard this alternate Dark Lord of the Sith speak to his boy.
“Luke…help me take…this mask off.”
The younger Skywalker pleaded. “But you’ll die.”
The other Vader insisted. “Nothing…can stop that now…Just once…let me look upon you…with my own eyes.”
To Vader’s shock, he saw Luke comply with the other Vader’s request. Slowly, he took off the helmet, then removed the mask. Beneath it, Vader saw…his face. His old, charred, burnt face, pale as ever. The scars of Mustafar ran deep. But his eyes were not of the burning anger of the Sith; rather, something more innocent. It almost frightened him, seeing himself like this.
Now his true self, Anakin, though nearly gone, let off a smile that brightened what little time he had left. And for him, this is enough. “Now…go, my son. Leave me.”
But Luke protested. “No. You're coming with me. I'll not leave you here, I've got to save you.”
What Vader heard next from his other self shocked him. Anakin said to his son, “You already…have, Luke. You were right. You were right about me. Tell you sister…you were right…”
And with his last breath, Anakin Skywalker passed away. For the first time in a long time, there was peace.
Luke soon began to break down in tears. “Father…I won’t leave you.”
And with that, the vision soon changed again. All Vader saw was Luke placing the other Vader’s body upon a funeral pyre – a Jedi tradition – and lighting it ablaze. He soon saw Obi-Wan bowing in his head in mourning. But what sort of foolishness was this? Vader knew he could not be redeemed. He knew that it was not his destiny to die like this.
Kenobi sensed Vader’s doubts. “Before the merging, it was your destiny to fulfill the prophecy of the Chosen One, as Qui-Gon predicted all those years ago. You did indeed bring balance to the Force and destroy the Sith. And your son would go on to be a hero of legend, bringing peace to the galaxy as you had longed dreamed.”
Vader was not amused by these “What If’s”. “Then why show me this? Such a vision is no longer possible.”
“You are correct,” said Obi-Wan. “Every single world has now become one – and with that, your destiny is altered. But it is because of the Force that I saw what you were once meant to do. And it is because of that destiny that I am here, now.”
The Force vision ended as both of them found themselves back in the throne room. Vader was less than amused. “Then you are an even bigger fool than when you were alive. What I have done cannot be forgiven. And because of Makima, I will fulfill a much greater destiny.”
“Until you are no longer of any use.” There was that Kenobi smirk again.
That comment really ticked Vader off. “You misunderstand the Control Devil greatly. She is no Palpatine; she will not abandon me as he attempted to.”
Obi-Wan just stood up from the throne. “I have little doubt that her respect for you is genuine. But I speak not of Makima; there is a far greater power at play because of the one responsible for this new universe. Their plans pale in great comparison to her own ambitions. Even if she desires to have you rule by her side, there may be no place for you in what is to come.”
“I tire of these riddles, Kenobi!” In his fury, Vader’s rage began to shake the room. Nearby, a couple of Stormtroopers cowered in the corner, all too familiar with how dangerous the Dark Lord got when he was angry. “You WILL tell me of what is to come!”
Ever as quick to anger, thought Obi-Wan. He continued smirking and said, “The future is always in motion, Darth. What is to befall of us, I cannot say. But I know your destiny does not lie as being beholden to Control.” He soon starts to fade from view as he leaves the palace. “In time, you will see that we were both wrong about who you are.”
As the Jedi once again vanished, Vader unleashed his rage upon a window. The glass shattered into a million pieces, breaking open a view onto the Coruscant skyline. An emergency ray-shield activated to keep anyone from falling out accidentally. At this point, the Dark Lord of the Sith had to restrain himself from causing any further damage to his mistress’ throne.
Still, the thought that he was destined to be redeemed…it haunted him. He couldn’t ever go back to who he was. Anakin Skywalker was dead, and everything about him died right along with him. He was Darth Vader: Servant of the Empire. The Empress’ Fist. Soon, the enforcer of a new order.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the long-abandoned Jedi Temple and stared upon it. The memories from long ago…
They meant nothing. He blocked them all out. He would not let his past prevent him from his new mission. Whatever Makima desired, he would carry it out without question.
He walked away and returned to the throne, summoning droids to begin cleaning up the mess of dead officers. His next task was to find a way to deal with the incompetence amongst the Stormtroopers. As he considered the matter, he told himself, There will be no more mistakes.
The VVITCHFINDER-GENERAL Joineth the Empyre of the SCARLET HOUND-WHORE In the Name of Jesu-Christ Together vvith REAL PURITAN BELIEFS & HISTORIE From the Colonies of NEVVE-ENGLAND
The sign read “Ye Olde Witch City” as Makima stepped into the town of Salem, Massachusetts. Curious onlookers and tourists who were visiting the quaint little town soon saw this hot-looking anime chick strutting around town with this robotic being with a giant chainsaw on its face. Some of them didn’t know what to make of this unusual sight. But then again, Salem was known for some very strange happenings.
Makima was no fan of the United States, least of all because they had some control over the Gun Devil and had wound up unleashing it against her -- though she did succeed in destabilizing them in 2016 and again in 2024, even if her puppet of choice wasn't one that she'd ever want to meet face-to-face. However, she always did find the tales of their own occult stories amusing. History told that long ago, the people of Salem once burned innocent beings at the stake for being witches, no matter what little proof they had. It was a darker time in which superstition and cowardice ruled over the populous. Truly that would have been something worth exploiting.
But this was the modern day, and these days, superstitions of the supernatural were all but dead – especially now that there were actual wizards and witches operating amongst the populous. For some of the more easily spooked folks, this was a nightmare. For Salem, this was a goldmine.
Everywhere Makima looked, she saw plush dolls, posters, action figures, and the like of big name magic users like Doctor Strange, Scarlet Witch, Zatanna, Harry Potter, Bayonetta, the Wicked Witch of the West (which, thanks to a certain purple idiot, were likely to have gone up in value), and many others. Makima just looked on with mild amusement as folks were even purchasing copies of Lady Death, another witch whose own attire left little to the imagination.
Still, for all its amusements, magic users could offer her something of an enhancement in her Empire. As she was sure Lord Vader was dispatching of those fools Palpatine had stacked his navy with, she needed to give her troops a bit more of an edge, especially if those weak against magic decided to interfere. Alas, most of those gifted in the arts were strong of will and capable of resisting her. That said, there must be some magic gift that these fools were overlooking.
But what she found instead was something far more…amusing.
“Oi proclameth to thee that thine worship of the dark proclaimers of hwitchcraft art destined to BURN IN HELL! Repent, sinners for the Lart Chroist himself is watching!”
On the corner of the street, she saw a man dressed in some strange-looking outfit from 17th century England, speaking in archaic English, spouting off religious nonsense. Most of the folks she saw walking by just ignored him, unamused by his ramblings. But she soon recognized him as someone of prime importance: The Witchfinder General (of the Colony of Massachusetts Bay), who had long ago been displaced from his time period and spent his time expressing his utter disgust with modern values and customs. In his day, he would have been a Devil Hunter, or at least its equivalent. And as the head of the Public Safety Devil Hunters, Special Division 4...
That ancient Devil Hunter is blinded by his faith, she thought to herself. He'll make a very easy target for manipulation. I do need to be careful since he has a huge aversion to anything resembling the concept of "devils", but if I don't blow my cover, it should work out.
And with that in mind, she approached him, instructing the Chainsaw Consultant to stay put where he was.
Makima flashed a faux smile on her face and said, “I beg your pardon, but are you the Witchfinder General?”
“Aye,” spoke the Witchfinder General. “Oi am he. To whom doth oi spaeaketh with?”
“Just a humble admirer of yours,” Makima said in that faux tone she was so known for. “I couldn’t help but overhear your speech, and I must say, it’s a shame that nobody listens. I can understand the need for maintaining order.”
The old Puritan seemed intrigued. “Ah, then thou art a servant of the Good Lart Almoighty? Praise be to his glorious name, for at last his word is heard in this troubled land!”
Inside, Makima just rolled her eyes at his lunacy. But outside, she continued on her with fake praise. “Troubled, indeed. How much has changed in this world since you were brought here? Chaos and untold destruction wrought about by unrepentant sinners. That’s what I’m looking to change.”
But the Witchfinder General just laughed. “You? A mere woman?! Does thou not recollect God’s commandments that it is the male who shalt lead the people to the glory of heaven? Oi needeth not listen to one who does not know her plaice!”
Makima kept up the smile. “Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong, my Puritan ally. I seek the same as you do; to restore this world to the order.”
“Beseech thineself, woman! Oi doth not entertain –”
It then clicked in that Puritan head of his. Suddenly he looked into her eyes and realized who she was talking to.
“Hark! Thou art not a mere woman, or even a hwitch, but one of the greatest purveyors of Devilrei: the Scarlet Hound-Whore herself! Thou shalt be exarcoised and sent back to Sa–”
A chain then erupted from Makima’s waist and flew right into the Witchfinder General’s brain (if one could call it that). He stood in agony as the Control Devil took over his outdated mind.
“Oh, Mister Witchfinder General,” she spoke softly. “I had tried to be reasonable with you, but my plans don’t require your cooperation. They require your compliance.
Soon, the Witchfinder General was now fully under the control of Makima. He turned towards his new master, bowed to her, then exclaimed at the top of his lungs, “Nay, 'tis a foible. Thou art not an aegent of Satan, but of the Good Lart Himself! If Chroist All'Moighty commandeth that this "Chenn-Sot Magne" shalt be brought baefore thee, 'tis my dyutai to currai it out to the utmost, for thee, moi Quaen!”
Makima let off another smile. A fool this Witchfinder General was, but an easy fool for her to toy with. She gestured to him and the Chainsaw Consultant. “Come, my pets. Heel. We’re going home.” As both of them followed into another portal, she turned towards the crowds watching what she had done, smiled, and returned to Coruscant.
As she stepped back into the throne room, she saw maintenance droids cleaning up the bodies of dead Imperial Officers, though she noticed the broken window as Vader stood over his handiwork. Seeing his mistress, he bowed before her in respect.
“My Empress,” his bass-toned voice said. “It is done.”
Makima grins. “You have done well, Lord Vader.” She marched up to the throne as she gestured her new minions to her side. “Now one part of Palpatine’s mistakes has been undone.”
Vader saw the Chainsaw Consultant and the Witchfinder-General. Strange though they were, he trusted his mistress knew what to do with them. He spoke, “There is still a great deal of work ahead of us.”
Makima stretched out her legs as she scratched Chainsaw Consultant’s ear like a dog. “Indeed. The naval forces alone have one too many weaknesses in their designs to effectively deal with Rebel forces. And the stormtroopers…”
Vader expressed his opinion on the matter. “Their numbers are sufficient, but their training and equipment are poor, to say the least. It was clear Governor Tarkin put little thought into removing the clone troopers.”
Makima nodded in agreement. She recalled that just after the Clone Wars, it was Wilhuff Tarkin, one of Palpatine’s closest advisors, who suggested the Emperor get rid of the clone armies. On paper, it was due to the expense of maintaining them and being able to conscript regular folks for a lot cheaper, but she knew it was really a matter of Palpatine’s pride. He had made the clones just to get rid of the Jedi, and what he feared most was the clones finding a way to do the same to him. So he had Kamino destroyed and the clones thrown out like yesterday’s trash. She, on the other hand, would not make the same mistake.
“I trust you know which measures are needed to overhaul the training programs, Lord Vader.” She then watched in amusement as the Witchfinder-General sat on his knees, panting like a dog. “As for their equipment, and that of our navy, I have someone in mind to solve that little problem.”
This left Vader curious. “And whom would you wish to add to your inner circle?”
"Here. Say 'aah'!" Makima tossed up a dog biscuit out of her pocket, which the Witchfinder General then ate happily. “Someone with proper ambitions as great as my own. But first, I require something of a greater leverage. These two dogs offer little in the way of ensured compliance for the more…strong-willed amongst those of our morality.”
She then gestured a droid to bring her an Imperial datapad, which she then programmed to disguise her appearance and voice. Another droid brought her a holographic projector, which pulled up the image of a young brown-haired man in a suit. “And there is nothing that can break a will more so than Death.”
Take Note
It isn’t working…
The sense of frustration was hanging over Light as he kept scribbling a single name down in the Death Note, over and over.
It isn’t working…
How was this even possible? It explicitly said that the Death Note’s Number 1 rule was whoever had their name written down in it would die!
It isn’t working…
Yet this name refused to die. For all he was writing it, Light found that his target was still breathing. Still alive, no body to be found, no mourning from his loved ones. It was as if this individual was unkillable.
It isn’t working…
Eventually, he had enough. He couldn’t take it. He just slumped into his chair, letting out a massive sigh of anger and frustration that his power was now somehow much worse off than before. But what was that name he was trying to write down?
Bruce Wayne. All over the page, the name “Bruce Wayne” was repeatedly scribbled. And yet Bruce was still alive and kicking.
No, Batman was still alive and kicking.
“What’s up, Light?” asked a large, creepy, spindly figure looking over his shoulder. This was Ryuk, the Shinigami who owned his Death Note. “Afraid this new world is messing with your powers?” Ryuk laughed as he crunched into an apple.
Many years ago, Light Yagami was your average genius who wound up being bestowed upon an usual gift: the Death Note, a book of which would kill anyone who’s name you wrote in it in an instant. Said gift came from Ryuk, a Japanese Shinigami who decided he was bored one day and thought it’d be funny to just hand off one of the most powerful artifacts of his kind over to some random kid.
Boy, did that turn out to be a mistake.
At first, Light was horrified about the power he possessed, at least until he realized that he could rid the rot within society with just the stroke of a pen. And little by little, he did so, going after anyone who could pose a threat to his plans. The world soon began to call him “Kira”, and within time, he garnered support from those who agreed that he – and only he – was fit to rule. Hell, it didn’t matter who came after him, since knowing their name was all it took to get them out of the way of his plans. Not even the mysterious “L” – Japan's greatest detective, who had befriended Light in an elaborate ploy of his own – could stop him. Nothing could, for he was a GOD.
Alas, even gods proved fallible. In the end, he was outsmarted. Arrested. And Ryuk jotted down his own name in the Death Note and brought him to an end.
But much like Makima, he was alive again. So too was Misa Amane, the woman who had once been his loyal servant and a fellow Death Note holder like him, only for her to have been cut out of his life for her own good and her apparently having died at her own hands.
Still, something didn’t seem right. Ryuk stopped by not long after, and made some proclamation about him having a cousin named Hades – not just any Hades, but the one from that cheesy Disney movie. And there were other weirdos out there that were once thought fictional, like Cookie Monster, Doctor Eggman, and this other blonde lady named Cynthia. Somehow or another, every single one of their worlds merged with his, and in doing so, it restored him to the status quo he was comfortable with. He was Kira again, Misa was by his side, and L was still relentlessly pursuing him, though for some reason, he had forgotten who his foe was – the memory of it blocked within his mind.
Soon after, though, he found that at least one of these heroes was keen on ensuring his demise.
Word had spread that L wasn’t the only one looking for him, and to his shock, he discovered that Gotham City’s own Dark Knight had taken an interest in Kira’s operations. Apparently the police decided to take advantage of Batman’s detective skills and employ him in the hunt for this killer. To Light’s horror, Batman was dangerously close to solving his identity. In a matter of days, he was within striking distance of unraveling his entire operation. And just when he finally had things back in hand and was alive again!
Luckily for Light, wasn't only a god, but a genius. It didn’t take long for him to deduce that behind that cape and cowl was that spoiled billionaire Bruce Wayne. Of all the guys in Gotham, it would take someone with a massive amount of resources to build the equipment necessary for crime fighting. And despite the fact that Wayne gave off the public appearance of a kind-hearted philanthropist and brilliant engineer that was somewhat inattentive and often jet-setting with exotic models, he hid it well behind a mask of pain and suffering brought about by his parents' deaths. He hid his true self well – a feat that Light admitted was impressive – but he didn’t hide it well enough from a god.
And so with Batman closing in, he opened the Death Note, jotted down his name, and…
Nothing.
It’s this ultimate frustration that made Light furious. He thought Ryuk had screwed him over somehow and rendered the Death Note powerless. Either that, or somehow, Batman had managed to find a way to cheat death itself. His own online reputation suggested he was some sort of all-powerful badass despite not having any powers of his own.
But he had little time to think on it, when a large Gothic letter "M" surrounded by chains appeared on the screen of his computer, with a pattern of yellow and red concentric circles in the background. Worried he may have been found out, Light rushed to check this mysterious caller.
“Is that Mello?” he asked himself as he tried to get a trace on this caller.
“Greetings, Mr. Yagami,” spoke a heavily distorted voice. “Or should I say, "Kira". I am calling you on behalf of the Galactic Empire to offer you a business proposition.”
His jaw immediately dropped to the floor. Light couldn't believe someone had managed to crack his identity in what seemed like seconds. “How the— HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! Not even the world's greatest detectives could figure me out this quickly.”
Ryuk hovered over Light as he watched in amusement. Light was so preoccupied with the whole mysterious visitor, he didn’t even have time to consider asking the Shinigami why his powers were gone. Ryuk became amused with what he saw and let out a hearty laugh. “Hahahahahahaha! Humans sure are interesting. I can't wait to see where this goes next!”
“I have my methods…”, spoke this “M”. “Anyway, the Empire is building a team of unique, talented individuals with ambitious visions for their worlds. We have observed your intricate plots and schemes and your desire to become the God of the New World, and I must say, I'm truly impressed.”
This worried Light even further. M knew far too much about him. Has they been spying on him from within? Or was there something worse at play? He thought to himself, Dammit! So now there's yet another party that's been spying on me! Are they affiliated with L? Or are they some kind of loony fan like Misa? Well... I don't have a choice but to keep my cool and see what they're up to. Maybe I can use them to my advantage.
M continued onward. “Your tactical expertise would be a great asset to the Empire. As you may be aware, there is already a greater rebellion against us, and no doubt there will be others who plan to oppose me. While I myself am adept in my schemes, as you may have noticed, having more great minds will help us wipe out this threat and achieve total dominance. Furthermore, even though I myself possess a similar talent, your "Death Note" will prove invaluable in wiping out any enemies of my Empire.”
Light almost didn’t know what to say. This M may have had good intel, but they clearly didn’t know his ultimate weapon was now seemingly useless. Still, he didn’t have much choice but to consider the alternative.
“And if I refuse?”
“Let's just say... you need our protection. Without us, the detective "L" is on the verge of discovering your identity and finally getting you apprehended – and if not him, than his successors. Your dreams of godhood will be cut short. Or worse still, Mister Wayne’s own efforts to expose you will cause the entire Justice League to put an end to your plans. I may have my own ambitions, but I'm at least willing to entertain the idea of having us, as a team, wipe out any threats to you and me. Once we eliminate these threats to our power, we have plans to further consolidate our dominance... as in, we'll be able to wipe out entire concepts from existence.”
It seems like I don't have a choice, Light thought to himself. If I want any chance at playing God, I need to work with this "Empire". But...what if they're lying? Doesn't matter. I can easily figure that out and plot against them if I don't like what they're doing. Still...
It was a risky move at this point, but he had to try. With a deep breath, he asked “If you know so much about me, why aren't you afraid that I could take your little Empire for myself? I have entire world governments wrapped around my little finger!”
He could hear the voice of M snickering. “Oh, that's just because I'm just as smart as you are…” The screen turned to static, then transitioned to the video feed of a woman with the same air as Light himself. To his shock, M revealed herself to be Makima – the woman who now controlled the galaxy. She turned off her voice filter as she finished. “...and ten thousand times as powerful.”
Light’s face sank in horror, realizing that he was really backed into a corner this time. But Ryuk just got a laugh out of this. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's the Control Devil, the manifestation of the human race's fear of control. Way to raise the stakes!”
He just ignored his cohort as he thought to himself, The Control Devil?! Well, if I were to refuse, then she could easily out-maneuver me and beat me in a one-on-one chase, let alone a fight... but if I were to join, I could get a taste of this "Galactic Empire" and see if it suits me. If I don't like it, then I can gather information on it and take it all for myself in the end. I think the choice here is clear.
With an affirmation in his voice, Light nodded before the computer screen. “All right. I'm in.”
He watched as Makima smiled in glee. “Good boy! Welcome to the kennel, Mr. Yagami.”
As Light breathed a sigh of relief that he wouldn’t be exposed and his plans could continue, Misa Amane, a very petite blonde idol, walked into Light's room. There was just something…off about her he couldn’t quite understand. Maybe it was that obsession of hers over him. Or it was just her overall vibe. But she was nothing if loyal (though perhaps too loyal).
Her face quickly lit up in frustration upon seeing Makima’s face on the computer screen. “Liiiiiiiiight! Are you talking with another woman?! I thought we were gonna be together, forever!”
Light just ignored her ramblings as she glared into the Control Devil’s eyes. Still, to make sure his right hand didn’t go off and get herself brainwashed into another dog, he asked, “Should she join too? She has the Eyes.”
Makima let out a heavy sigh. “Yes, she can join. Stupid as that yapping chihuahua may be, her Shinigami Eyes will be an asset to our team too, especially since she's easy to manipulate. I know that sort of relationship all too well,” Makima added, thinking about how she had wrapped the similarly dimwitted Denji around her little finger (at least for a time).
Glad that Makima wasn’t going to get rid of Misa, Light turned to his cohort. “Misa, pack your bags, we're going to outer space.”
“Yaaaaaaaaaaay!!!” She screamed out like the little girl that she appeared to be, giddy as ever. Light could only roll his eyes as Makima too became annoyed at her childishness.
“I’ll send a shuttle to pick you up. Don’t be late. You know what will happen if you change your mind…” Subtle with her threats, Makima wasn’t.
“Hey, you three?” Ryuk finally spoke up.
The trio looked at the Shinigami and asked “Huh?”
“Just so you know... my cousin's on the loose. And he might not be the biggest fan of your little team-up... Hahahahahahahaha!”
On the screen, Makima’s face scowled, as a fury came over her. “...Hades. He's talking about Hades. Did that fast-talking bastard truly think he could claim dominion over me?"
Light still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that, in this new merged world, Ryuk had a cousin. "Yes, and he's apparently related to Ryuk..."
Ryuk cackled as Makima continued to stare with an uncharacteristically furious glow in her eyes. "Such bullshit. I yield to no one. You know how everyone claimed that I answered to the Chief Cabinet Officer? That was all an act." Light sighed under his breath as he knew that now he was forced to answer to a superior. Yet, ever the sociopath, he was unable to relate Makima's feelings to his own, just as she was unable to relate hers to his. It was like an alien language to him.
Makima continued her rant, spitting venom the whole time. "And there's no way in hell I'll ever bow down to a shyster like the so-called "Lord of the Dead". Cerberus deserves better.”
Ryuk just bit into an apple, gleefully watching the Control Devil lose her temper. “Oh, but that’s not even the best part! Word has it he’s teamed up with the Predacon! You know, the one who killed that idiot dinosaur?”
Makima stared at the Shinigami with an intense death glare. Now Beast Megatron was after her too?
“It matters not. I confess, that talking tyrannosaurus has impressed me with his own schemes; yet another name to add to my very short list of rivals worth respecting. Still, his plans will get in the way of my own -- and by proxy, yours too, Mr. Yagami.” Makima then turned to Light and Misa. "We’ll have much to discuss when you arrive.” And with that, she turned off the computer, leaving Light and his lackeys alone.
Light just let out another sigh. “Your cousin. And Megatron. Against her?”
Ryuk just looked on, more amused than ever. “What did you expect? They won’t take any threats to their own plans against her lying down, and they sure won’t be joining up with someone like her. You’re lucky she still had an interest in you, considering the Death Note’s not working like it used to.”
As Ryuk bit into another apple, Light’s face lit up with anger. “So it was you…”
Ryuk bellowed out another laugh. “Hahahahaha! Don’t go blaming me! You’re back and kicking because of this world merger, but there’s always trade-offs! The Death Note still works, but it won’t kill just anyone anymore. You want them dead, they have to be nobodies.” He lets off a big grin. “You really thought you could just kill Batman? Maybe one of his little sidekicks no one knows about, but him?”
So that’s what happened, Light thought. In bringing me back to life, the Death Note became weaker against the well-known. Probably a measure the universe set in to avoid having the entire realm of fiction disrupted. This is going to make things a lot more difficult. No matter… if Makima has the means of restoring my power, I’ll play along with her little game. For now. Hell, maybe I'll run into a way to acquire new powers to make up for the whole thing.
The lights of a Lambda-class shuttle were seen overhead as Misa gestured Light and Ryuk to get going. Packing what valuables they needed, they rolled their suitcases onto the ramp as they prepared to take their first step into a larger universe. Still, Light hoped that Makima didn’t find out about the Death Note’s newfound weakness, lest he be added to her growing list of dogs.
But in the shadows, someone was watching. Under the cover of a water tower, hidden in the darkness, a menacing figure glared through a pair of binoculars as he saw the trio departing. He watched the shuttle take off and leave, no doubt knowing of its intended destination. He pulled out a communicator, and from his mouth spoke the deep, famous baritones of the late Kevin Conroy.
“Dick. Barbara. We have a problem.”
The Ultimate Grift
In a vast desert in California, Jimmy Donaldson, AKA MrBeast, was counting his crypto and filming one of his new game shows for a video called, well, “SURVIVING IN THE MOJAVE DESERT FOR 14 DAYS!”. All the contestants were starved, dehydrated, and ready to fight each other just for a chance at winning a buttload of money from the young influencer. MrBeast, however, was none the worse for wear, as he used his billions of dollars to take proper care of his health and eat the most lavish and delicious foods. The desert conditions were nothing to him.
“I’M HERE IN THE MOJAVE DESERT FOR A BRAND-NEW VIDEO!” MrBeast yelled at the top of his lungs. “100 PEOPLE ARE HERE TO SURVIVE THE CRAZIEST AND WACKIEST CHALLENGES AND ONE LUCKY WINNER WILL TAKE HOME TWENTY-FIVE! MILLION! DOLLARS!”
The contestants looked absolutely rabid. One of them begged a crew member for water, which was promptly refused as all the water MrBeast had brought (aside from the expensive distilled water reserved for him and his friends) was being redirected to power the AI algorithm that would generate art for his new NFT collection.
“WHO WILL COME HOME WITH A BOATLOAD OF CASH? BUT FIRST, LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE IF YOU’RE ENJOYING THIS VIDEO, AND DON’T FORGET THAT OUR NEW LUNCHLY PRODUCTS ARE ON STORE SHELVES! THEY’RE WAY HEALTHIER THAN LUNCHABLES, JUST CHECK OUT MY REVIEW VIDEO WITH LOGAN PAUL TO SEE WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT! NOW, ON WITH THE GAMES!”
Suddenly, a desert storm started to form. Twisters picked up piles of sand that made the already-inhospitable conditions outright deadly. Nobody could see, and multiple contestants suffocated on the sand. MrBeast, distraught, yelled to the cameraman. “CUT! CUT! WE GOT AN EMERGENCY!” MrBeast cared for his contestants very superficially, but not enough to actually do anything meaningful to save their lives. “GET ALL THE CONTESTANTS TO SAFETY!” he said as he climbed aboard his private jet that would take him back to the safety of his studio. MrBeast hadn’t given any proper instructions on how to get the contestants to safety, just a vague instruction to do so.
But he didn’t even manage to enter the vehicle as a gigantic, eldritch monster – the Sandstorm Devil – emerged. While the sandstorm intensified thanks to the Devil’s presence, it ignored the contestants and made a beeline for Jimmy himself. “STOP IT! I’M TOO RICH TO DIE!” he screamed as he became preoccupied with his own survival. MrBeast’s lungs then filled with sand as he began to gasp for air, his skin becoming ravaged by the dust particles.
Barely alive (and with his contestants in marginally better condition), MrBeast could barely breathe as the sandstorm subsided and the Sandstorm Devil left the scene. An auburn-haired Japanese woman with piercing yellow eyes then approached the influencer.
“Hello, Mr. Donaldson,” said Makima. “I believe I have the means to save your life.”
Back on Coruscant, MrBeast sat in a bacta tank, with a medical droid operating on him. Makima observed his rejuvenation process, with her right hand Darth Vader by her side.
“What use do you have for this man?” asked a perplexed Lord Vader. “I don’t see any use for him beyond his personal wealth – and possibly warping the brains of young children.”
“Exactly that, Lord Vader,” replied the Empress. “Mr. Donaldson is very popular with the youth, and with him under our control, we can influence their line of thinking, far more than that damned Sesame Street . He also provides for some nice ‘bread and circuses’, if you know what I mean.”
Vader thought it over for a few seconds. “Any other uses for him?”
“Observe.”
With MrBeast nearly restored to full health, Makima rolled up her sleeve and inserted an IV into her arm, transfusing some of her Devil blood into the YouTuber. She then drained the liquid from the tank, freeing MrBeast.
The influencer immediately roared to life and went into a greedy, loudmouthed tirade. “WHOA, IT’S AN ANIME GIRL. AND DARTH VADER!” shouted MrBeast. “YOU HERE TO DO A NEW BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP WITH ME? I’M SURE MY YOUNG AUDIENCE WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOUR FACES ON MY NEW SET OF NFT’S!”
“Welcome to the Neo Galactic Empire, Mr. Donaldson,” said Makima.
“YOU STILL DIDN’T ANSWER ME! IS THIS A BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP? DO YOU WANNA DO A CROSS-PROMOTION WITH LUNCHLY?”
“Well… I still need to learn about this “Lunchly” brand of yours, but you could call this a ‘business partnership’ of sorts,” the Control Devil replied. “I need you to use your… unique brand of challenges both to keep the simple-minded public occupied and to keep the populace in line. You may continue to recruit the unfortunate and downtrodden to compete in them… just as I do.”
“SURE THING, ANIME BOSS LADY!” replied MrBeast. “JUST AS LONG AS IT HELPS WITH MY WEALTH AND BRAND RECOGNITION!”
Darth Vader could immediately sense that something was… off... with MrBeast. “He seems to no longer be quite human… even less than myself.”
Makima replied to him. “Do you know what Hades did to that asinine purple dinosaur that started this whole war?”
It then clicked to Vader. “Indeed.”
Vader had just realized that Makima’s plan was to turn MrBeast into her own version of Barney, as an eldritch abomination who she could use freely to torture her enemies -- this time via his deadly “challenges” and the sensory abuse of his videos. Hence, the Devil blood transfusion. And unlike Barney, MrBeast had the added benefit of being popular with the general public (especially kids) and granting the Empire an even greater degree of influence. Obi-Wan's ghost then appeared next to the Dark Lord, giving him a smug look as if to mock the whole idea.
Yet, unbeknownst to Makima or her servants, her having her own personal Barney would come with some caveats – namely, the same vulnerabilities. As she and Vader began to onboard MrBeast, a long-legged yellow star watched the whole spectacle from some distance away.
“That guy is Pissing me off… I’m the original Starwalker”
Notes:
Batman wasn't originally planned to be a part of the fic. But we authors all discussed it amongst ourselves, and pointed out how weird it was that some of his rogues gallery were in the fic but the whole thing skirted having him appear in person. When this fic was moved off of TV Tropes, we figured that the Dark Knight would be fair game, even though he no longer had his own Self-Demonstrating Character Page. (Well, he did, but it was cut.) So Chris incorporated Batman into the story, and it also solved another problem we had: Light didn't have much to do, since his Death Note was necessarily nerfed so he wouldn't go murdering every fictional character in existence, and his character archetype/niche was already taken up by the much more powerful Makima. Having Batman would give Light a rival throughout the story and actually give him a purpose and a storyline of his very own. --Wyvu
Chapter Text
A Formula for Conquest
Deep under the sea dwelled one of the most unusual towns of them all – Bikini Bottom. Nothing down there makes sense, even the fish that gained sentience and formed a society all of their own, but it was still a place to call home. Dozens of fascinating sea creatures lived there, and it fell upon one particular Frenchman to document these fascinating discoveries.
“Ah, the sea,” spoke the French Narrator. “Teaming with life. Here in Bikini Bottom, we traverse to ze local eatery known as ze Chum Bucket, where inside, one Sheldon J. Plankton is –”
“Aw, shut your mouth, you pompous French hack!”
The cry came out from a small copepod, covered in mounds of garbage. It was Plankton, having finally made his way out of the Grouchland Dump and gotten back home to his humble abode. He let off an angry stare with his one eye. “Ya know these ignoramuses can read, right?! They don’t need some stinkin’ narrator tellin’ ‘em what’s happening!”
The French Narrator just let out a sigh. “Mon dieu, I am not getting paid enough for this.”
“Yeah, yeah!” spoke Plankton, “Go cry about it somewhere else!” He stomped his way inside the Chum Bucket and looked around. Empty as usual. Not a soul to be found begging for his delicious, chum-based meals!
Ah, who am I kidding? He thought to himself. Those morons couldn’t stomach chum if it was the last thing on Earth! He let out a heavy sigh as he walked dejectedly through the empty dining hall, his thoughts dwelling on how his life could have turned out so rotten. For the last 25 years, he’d spent every waking minute trying to steal the Krabby Patty Formula right from under Mr. Krabs’ notice, and he had absolutely nothing to show for it. Krabs… still living up the high life in mounds of success and money, everyone flocking to the Krusty Krab to obtain that delicious, juicy –
Oops! Plankton was starting to drool at the thought of his beloved Krabby Patties, even if now, it was all just a thought. He was so close so many times, he could almost taste it! And just recently, he was this close to actually making Krabs pay.
When Plankton woke up one morning, he was shocked to discover that he was lifelong friends with one Doctor Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik, a fellow evil scientist that he thought only existed in video games. Moreover, he found he’d gone to college with some loudmouth wrestler named Scott Steiner. It gave Plankton an idea; now that he had such new and powerful friends at his disposal, why not take advantage and steal the Formula using their technology? So he hired Scott to hold Krabs hostage, then worked with Eggman to create a virus that would grant him total control of the Krusty Krab’s systems, including Krabs' own cash register. And Plankton was willing to let Krabs have it back – so long as he got that formula!
He thought back on that day, when he was on the verge of victory. He recalled how he was just about to unleash the final blow that would kill the security system and Krabs' precious register for good. “TIME’S UP, KRABS! You're gonna hand over that secret formula or what?!”
Surprisingly, Krabs remained defiant as ever. “Forget it, Plankton! You ain't gonna destroy me restaurant or me precious money!”
It was at that moment that Plankton forgot the most important rule of gloating: do NOT tempt fate. “Oh, no? And who’s gonna stop me?”
Right after he said that, his entire virus program was shut down. Cashey and the security system were both restored to normal, and his leverage was gone. In his anger, he screamed, “WHAT?! NO! NO!!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!”
The doors behind him opened up, revealing a CGI slug surrounded by creatures in yellow suits. She spoke out in a raspy voice. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but we don't take kindly to hackers in this world. We're always watching, Plankton. Always watching. Always…”
In that moment, it finally sunk in Plankton’s brain; if there were other villains who were willing to help him, so too were there heroes who would be willing to stop him. And of all the rotten luck, he had to get the one who ran the equivalent of a federal agency. Letting out a hearty laugh, Mr. Krabs asked, “So, what was that about someone stoppin’ ye?”
Just around the corner poked Scott Steiner. Surprisingly, he spoke in his normal voice for once. “I dunno, I was asked to tell you about it…” His face then lit up with anger as he returned to that famous loudmouth act he was known for. “BUT FUCK THAT, THAT LITTLE GREEN SONUVABITCH DIDN'T PAY ME FOR PUTTING YOUR SHINY RED MONEY-LOVING ASS INTO THE STEINER RECLINER!”
Oh, right. He’d actually forgotten to pay the big galoot. And here he thought college buddies just did each other favors. Panicking as Roz and Mr. Krabs menacingly approached him, Plankton tried to beg for mercy. “H-hey now! We-we can talk about this, can we? Heh heh..” But neither of them gave. They'd had enough of the pint-sized megalomaniac and his zany schemes.
Within seconds, Plankton gots tossed out of the Krusty Krab back into the Chum Bucket, flying like a stone being skipped across the lake as he screamed his vengeance. “YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABS!!!” And soon thereafter, he crashed back into his home, letting out one deadpan “Ouch…”
The pain alone made Plankton shudder as he soon took his thoughts off of that memory. He’d already struck out once with that little plan, and now he’d failed to make Sesame Street his new playground. One more failure today and he’d be done for life! But right now, what he needed was to figure out a new plan…and a shower.
He stepped inside his lab, his face as dour as ever. Just above him was the giant screen that held his computer wife, Karen, no doubt preparing to unleash another sarcastic quip. Sometimes Plankton wondered why he was even still married to that bucket of bolts when all she ever did was complain about his failures.
Right on cue, Karen let out such a remark. “Wow. I knew your plans were garbage, but you didn’t have to take it so literally.”
Plankton just brushed off her comments. “Save the obvious jokes for later. I’m not in the mood.” He walked into a tiny little shower and started cleaning himself off.
But Karen kept babbling on. “I told you that you couldn’t just go after Sesame Street! Attacking cultural icons is a good way to get your butt kicked!”
“Hey, it woulda worked if Wendy’d actually bumped off those fuzzies like she planned!” Plankton stepped out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his tiny body. “How was I supposed to know one of ‘em had a brain cell!”
Karen just shook her virtual face. “Not every preschool show’s full of doofy morons like those cheesy dogs from Adventure Bay. You shoulda gone after them instead.”
Plankton threw the towel off and sat down at a tiny table, awaiting his latest meal. “What, bump off those barkers? Nick woulda canned me if I went after their big-ol’ money maker.” A holographic meat-loaf appeared right before him, which he started “chewing” on. “Besides, the only doofuses that put up pages on here besides the late Barney are Derailin’ Dan and Cake Chin. I got rid of that loudmouth locomotive, nobody would care. I go after “Mister Number One”, those fanboys on the Internet would have my hide!”
“Sure, you actually thought those plans through,” snarked Karen as her husband finished his meal.
“Well excuse me for not countin’ on Deforestin' Dennis showin’ up and throwin’ my grand plan out the window!” Plankton then walked over to his filing cabinet with all his various plans from throughout the years. “Next time, I think I’m gonna go after somethin’ a lot easier – that blue dog everyone’s yappin’ about.” He grinned with glee. “Yeah! YEAH! HEHEHEHEHEHE! I’ll go over to Australia and gather up every last spider and snake they’ve got there, then tell those lousy heelers that unless they want a pest problem, they’ll make Disney get that secret formula for me!”
Karen gave Plankton another sarcastic look and said, “Really? You’re gonna try goin’ after Bluey? Do you have a death wish?”
“I don’t see you offerin’ any suggestions, Karen!” snarked back Plankton. “Maybe instead of just moanin’ on about how my plans go up in smoke, how’s about you come up with your own evil scheme!”
“Plankton, I have tried, but you always ignore my advice. You want that formula so bad? Maybe try listening for once!”
Plankton just said, “Sure, Karen. You come up with a good idea for once in your life –”
In fury, Karen just zapped Plankton with a giant laser. He got completely burnt to a crisp. As he sat there in pain, Karen just snarked, “I think there’s a good idea.”
“Ouch…” he moaned. “Sigh, welp, guess today can’t get any worse.”
Right as he said that, Makima appeared right behind him. Sensing her presence through a chill down his spine, he turned around and sees the Control Devil, with Chainsaw Consultant, the Witchfinder-General, Light, Misa, MrBeast and of course, Darth Vader. This unusual gaggle of villains was odd, since Makima, Light, and Misa’s anime stylings were in sharp contrast to Vader, the Witchfinder-General and MrBeast’s realism, even more so with Chainsaw Consultant’s toony CGI in their midst. Still, since he already had a rotten day, might as well make someone else’s worse.
“Well, if it isn't Weeb Princess Fiona. And Wheezy. And Biebs, and Totally-Not-Wendy-Slash-Fiona's-Rottweiler, and the Quaker Oats guy. And Generic Japanese Goth Idol Girl Number 3,749. Oh, and… MrSellout. Are you here to laugh at my failure?”
MrBeast was extremely quick to answer. “NOT AT ALL, MR. PLANKTON! I’M HERE TO FILM MY NEW CHALLENGE TO SEE WHO CAN SURVIVE UNDERWATER THE LONGEST! I’VE ALREADY PREPARED A NICE, HEFTY CHECK FOR THE WINNER, AND–”
At that moment, the universe somehow seemed to remember that MrBeast (and only MrBeast) was underwater, as his lungs began to fill with water as he began to cough and sputter, drowning and dying. A familiar yellow star then made his presence known.
“What a tool,” said the original Starwalker before walking vertically upwards (with his signature very smoothly-animated walk cycle) to reach the surface.
Makima turned to MrBeast’s corpse. “Take him back to med bay,” she commanded to two seatroopers who recovered his body. "This man has no sense of self-preservation. After he recovers, empty his bank accounts and then return him home."
Makima then turned back to Plankton. Already that little speck shot off his mouth. Makima just smirked, knowing she had an excuse to punish the little guy, and said, “Not at all, Dr. JJ Jr.” She then used her telepathic powers to grab Plankton, then squished him like a bug repeatedly as she made hand signs miming a crushing motion.
“OUCH!” he cried out in pain. “WAIT! AI Sponge isn’t real! I don’t have any naughty pictures of you on Karen’s hard drive!”
“Tsk, tsk, tsk. You really are a fool, aren’t you, Plankton?” Makima then stretched Plankton out as far as he could, his tiny little body contorting under the strain. “Your habit of nicknaming and belittling your fellow villains isn't going to make you any allies.” She continues making hand signs and squashing Plankton, amusing her “A mere planktonic organism like you was already well beneath a powerful Devil like myself, but you truly are one of the most irritating ones I've ever met. Now, say the phrase "I AM SORRY MS. MAKIMA ESQ." and only that phrase. That's an order.”
And with a stroke of her fingers, she reached inside Plankton’s brain and set off something awful. Suddenly, the copepod felt every fiber of his being overtaken by sheer insanity. He couldn’t help but scream “I AM SORRY MS. MAKIMA ESQUIIIIIIIIRE JAAAAYAAAAAJIIIIIIIIIJYUUUUUUAAAAAAAEYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA...”
The one meager downside of this merger is that some of the Bikini Bottomites would experience the horror of the strokes their counterparts from that artificial mockery often had. Plankton was one such person whose fortunes were on the negative side, since now Makima was making him experience one such stroke firsthand. He was fighting with every fiber of his being not to let himself be consumed as the blood flow to his brain was disrupted and he nearly passed out. But yet here he was, now at the mercy of the Control Devil – and she wasn’t even using her chains to make him do it.
The others watched on with varying reactions. Vader just stood still, not caring what his mistress did. Both Chainsaw Consultant and Witchfinder General were under her thrall, and just stared blankly into the empty void. Light showed no concern, but Misa seemed almost enthralled at his suffering. Meanwhile, in the corner, Karen was facepalming via her computer screen, once again having to witness her husband’s stupidity.
Eventually, Makima released him, having toyed with the copepod long enough. Plankton let out a big, loud breath as he stood quaking at the idea of what had just happened. He turned to Karen, hyperventilating. "Karen... restore blood flow to brain..."
Karen extended a mechanical arm with a buzzsaw, sliced open and popped off the top of Plankton's head to reveal a completely white brain, extended another arm with a syringe filled with blood, injected it into Plankton's brain to turn it pink again, and extended a third arm with a tube of glue and stuck the top of his head back on. Plankton adjusted the top of his head and was able to breathe normally again. "I owe you one."
Without skipping a beat, Makima stared at the one-eyed crustacean. “Now that I have your attention… By the way, if you use those inane nicknames again, I'm giving you another stroke.”
Panicked, Plankton said, “I think you got your point across, Wen–er, I mean MiSs MaKiMa! What do you want from me?”
The Witchfinder General spoke up on his mistress’ behalf. “This congregatsion is in sarch of the holaiest paepel to enforce the will of Chroist All'Moighty!”
Light shook his head and tried to correct his brainwashed compatriot. “And by "Christ Almighty", he means the God of the New World...who's currently on the side of the Empress here.”
“ALL HAIL MAKIMA,” spoke the Chainsaw Consultant. Something about that guy was off, especially to a robotics genius like Plankton.
Still, all this gobbledygook didn’t make a lick of sense to him. In his confusion, he asked, “What kind of barnacles is that? Gods and empresses and stupid religious stuff…”
“Perhaps my dogs are a bit too scattershot in their ideas to tell you coherently…”, said Makima. “As Galactic Empress, I'm in search of some fresh new pups to adopt. Just need a little help to eliminate any threats to my power. And then some. Your robotics expertise and tiny size may prove useful to us.”
Darth Vader approached Plankton, his fierceness towering over the microorganism. “The Empress has vast armies and resources at her disposal, yet so many of the hostile beings we've encountered are so unimaginably powerful that it may matter little in the end. We would be honored if you were to join us.”
“ALL HAIL MAKIMA. ANY THREATS TO OUR GLORIOUS EMPRESS MUST BE NEUTRALIZED,” repeated Chainsaw Consultant. Eesh , thought Plankton, whoever designed that guy’s just as defective as he is.
Stroking Chainsaw Consultant’s chin like a dog, Makima pushed her sales pitch further. “The fact is, the previous Emperor was more concerned about trying to maintain his seat of power, leaving his forces weak enough to be easily exploited. I’d rather not have these weaknesses proving to be a problem.” She then knelt down low and stared right at Plankton. “And as someone who’s a proven genius, I would think you’d rather put your talents towards something you can solve, rather than waste your life attempting to steal a single sandwich formula.”
“Yeah, but what can I do?”, asked Plankton. “What use am I to a bunch of space wizards and godlike anime characters? I'm just a stupid little copepod who keeps trying to steal the same ol' hamburger recipe over and over again and failing every time.”
“You underestimate yourself, Plankton,” said Vader. “The Empire requires someone who will go to any lengths to achieve victory. With your aid, you can rebuild our forces into something truly unstoppable.”
This stunned Plankton. “Me? Make something unstoppable?”
Karen took the opportunity to add in something of her own. “We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into with all this multiversal mix-up, Planky-poo. Maybe these people have something that can help you prove yourself as a villain. (And finally let me actually show how dangerous I am for once…)”
Plankton sat there for a second, wondering where all this high praise was coming from. He didn’t want to look a gift seahorse in the mouth, but… “You sure you’re not just yankin’ my chain? I’ve had plenty of people start yappin’ how great I am, but they just stuff me on coffee duty! Remember ‘Captain Pipsqueak’? I thought I'd be one of E.V.I.L.’s top enforcers but they just made me a glorified errand boy!”
“Do you doubt what I am offering, Plankton?” said Makima. “My respect is rarely granted to others of my caliber. Despite your shortsightedness in your schemes, you have built machines that would rival that of any inventor. Surely that alone is enough to entice you?”
“Our Lady Makima is an aegent of God and of Chroist the Lart! Her ward is absolut!”, said the Witchfinder-General.
Still, Plankton seemed unconvinced. Knowing Makima wouldn’t take no for an answer, Light tried to tempt him with his darkest desire. “Say, Plankton... with our help, how about we finally get that Krabby Patty secret formula you've been after?”
“Why would I care? I just want to take over one measly underwater town. You rule the whole freakin' galaxy!”
Makima couldn’t help but feel Light was onto something. “Hmm, well... once my plans come to fruition, we'll have the power to erase entire concepts from existence. How does it sound, say, if we were to find and erase the Failure Devil? Then the concept of "failure" would cease to exist, and you can finally thrive off your success.”
Now this got Plankton’s attention. He didn’t quite understand the concept of Devils to the same degree, but he did understand that they operated on the principle of being embodied by humanity’s fears – and the public feared failing all too often. Still, if Makima were to get rid of whoever this Failure Devil was…
“That is pretty interesting, actually... With no more failure... EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY EVIL PLOTS WILL SUCCEED! MWA HA HA HA HA! THE FORMULA'S JUST THE BEGINNING!” Soon, Plankton stood in one of the most evil positions he could, laughing at the top of his lungs as he imagined everything going his way – Mr. Krabs tied up atop the remains of the Krusty Krab, watching as New Planktopolis held reign over what was once Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob and Patrick were long dead and buried in graves that ran so deep underground. And everywhere armies were shouting “ALL HAIL PLANKTON!”
The mere thought was enough to convince him. “Alright, your highness, COUNT ME IN, BABY!”
To his surprise, Karen spoke out and said, “Count me in, too. My husband needs a voice of reason to keep him from flying off the handle. (But seriously, the rest of you should be paying attention to what I can do even without Sheldon.)”
Makima let off a smile as Vader said, “Excellent. We'll find the most suitable position for you in engineering — and trust me when I say it won't be a meaningless one. Don't you dare fail me or there will be consequences.”
Plankton stood up atop a bucket and said, “Lord Vader, what I’m gonna do for you is gonna change the galaxy. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! SHELDON J. PLANKTON'S BACK IN BUSINESS, BAY-BEE!”
Suddenly, a little idea popped inside his genius brain as a lightbulb manifested itself. He grinned with glee as he said, “Actually, I think I know a guy who’d love to collaborate in your diabolical scheme. Let me give him a quick call; Eggy’s gonna love this gig!”
The Doctor is In
“And now back to La Última Pasión, ” said the Mexican-accented telenovela announcer.
“I have decided that my heart… shall forever rest with Pablo,” a Latina woman said in the show’s usual melodramatic style.
“No! Gabriela! I cannot stand for this!”, said a long-haired hunky man in an equally melodramatic tone. “It has come to this, then!” Juan overdramatically whipped out his phone and called someone. “Ah yes, Carlos, boss of the cartel. I need you to deal with an… important matter.”
One Doctor Ivo Robotnik was watching the telenovela with unspeakable glee, fully invested in the ridiculous story and characters as his assistants Orbot and Cubot kept bringing him snacks.
“Oh, is this the one where the Mexican mafia gets involved? They're probably gonna leave it on a cliffhanger,” mused Orbot, taking a mild interest in the preposterous TV program. Sure, it was clichéd garbage, but at least it was better than all the previous work he had to do for Eggman.
“More Cheesy Bits, sir?”, asked Cubot, as he handed out a giant bowl filled with the stuff.
“Don’t mind if I do!”, exclaimed Eggman as he grabbed the whole thing and started stuffing his face with it. Orbot and Cubot looked at one another with concern – Eggman hadn’t stopped eating junk food for several days, not since Makima made her little run at Sesame Street. Sure, he’d put on a brave face for Villain Con, but after that…
At first, it was just angry temper tantrums. They recollected how Eggman was throwing things around his lab in a fit of rage, pissed off that Makima had managed to come so close to pulling off what he couldn’t, and now people had no idea he was really the first bad guy from this new merged reality to try wiping a preschool show from existence. It was an outrage; an insult to his genius! But once that anger passed, he decided he was going to one-up the Control Devil one way or another. So he started concocting plans to go after all the other preschool shows and roboticize every last one of them. That way he could rub it in Makima’s face that he managed to succeed where she failed.
And that’s where his sudden bout of depression came in, hence the mountains of junk food and telenovela binge-watching. It hit Eggman that his plans wouldn’t succeed; oh, sure, he could try to go after the preschool shows, but who would care? 95% of them were all just merchandise-driven slop only worshipped by children and a handful of manchildren, ensuring their destruction would have no meaningful impact aside from the toy companies losing out on their cash cow. Hitting places like Adventure Bay, Sodor, or some other hokey town wouldn’t make a difference. But worse still, if he tried hitting somewhere else more beloved – say the Heeler household or the neighborhood where Mister Rogers lived – those heroes would surely be all over him, and not just that pesky blue blur. Makima’s little attempt against Sesame Street just made his job that much harder, and he certainly didn’t want to end up rotting in jail for the rest of his life. After hearing that Batman was targeting the infamous serious killer known as Kira, he’d rather not have him on his tail.
So Eggman slumped into a depression, sulking on his chair, binging on all sorts of unhealthy foods and watching these cheesy foreign soaps rather than bother with anything else. Even Orbot and Cubot’s suggestions to go after Sonic didn’t perk up their boss, and that was the one thing that made Eggman normally fly into a fury!
“Maybe we should ask the old Sonic if he’d like to swing by and taunt the boss?” suggested Cubot. “You know, since he loves to mess around with his evil plans?”
Orbot slapped his cohort. “What evil plans?! Eggman’s clearly going through a funk. He wouldn’t bother to destroy Sonic if he was standing right in front of him!”
Cubot simply said, “Well, I guess that’s a good thing, then. I always did like that guy, even if the boss does want him eviscerated.”
Orbot just let out a heavy sigh. “The boss can sulk in his chair for all I care. I haven’t had to do anything but stuff his face and watch this contrived love-triangle nonsense for 46 episodes, and frankly I like this job better than my old one!”
Unaware of the conversation his henchmen were having behind him, Eggman was still fixated on the telenovela. He was watching as Carlos entered the room. “Pablo! The cartel has business with you!” said Carlos, brandishing a revolver. Juan then entered after him. “Ah, if it isn’t my beloved twin brother, leaving me for broken-hearted once more,” said Juan as Carlos pointed the gun at Pablo's head. “Now you shall never lay your hands on Gabriela ever again. For in the end, there can only be… Juan.” Suddenly, Gabriela re-entered the room. "Juan! Stop! What are you doing with my uncle?" Carlos dramatically ripped off a fake mustache, causing the other characters to gasp in shock.
Eggman gasped too. “Wow, what a twist! Who would have thought these programs had such creative writing?”
"Oh, believe me, I was as surprised as you are," sarcastically commented Orbot, noting the mountain of tired clichés in the show's writing.
But his fixation was soon interrupted when his television screen changed to an incoming messaging call. “Oh, I was just getting to the good part!”, he yelled in agony as he tossed his bowl of Cheesy Bits to the ground, much to Orbot’s frustration. Cubot grabbed a vacuum cleaner as Eggman groused, “This better be important!” He accepted the call as Plankton appeared on the screen.
“Ivo!”, said the copepod. “You won’t believe what just –” He suddenly saw the disheveled state his cohort was in. “What happened to you?”
Eggman just ignored the obvious implications in that comment. “Sheldon…look, this is a bad time right now, so could you maybe call back later?”
Plankton just pressed on, but the concern in his voice was obvious. “Eesh, Eggy, that Sonic guy mess with your plans again?”
Eggman just sighed. “No…it was the Control Devil.” Plankton’s eye popped out, worried that Eggman was gonna say something stupid about his new boss, or worse, ruin any potential pitch for recruiting him to her. “That blasted witch! Stealing my idea for total domination of that terrible little town!” He was ignorant of Plankton trying to subtly hint at him to shut his mouth. “I could have forced those miscreant Muppets to my whims if Sonic hadn’t intervened, and that tightly-wound, red-headed, dog-woman just had to ape off my ideas!” Plankton kept trying to get him to shut it, but Eggman was too infuriated. “No points for originality there! If I could, I’d tell that obsessive egotist to kindly let her idiot chainsaw devil or whatever just eat her alive so we can be rid of her! She’s nothing but a –”
“Nothing but a what, Doctor Robotnik?” Makima said as she appeared on the screen behind Plankton, her expression unamused at his ramblings. Plankton just sunk his head, knowing his chances of getting Eggman recruited were cooked. “Go on, old dog. Please, continue barking about me.”
None of this deterred Eggman in the slightest. “Oh, it’s you. What are you doing with my cohort?”
“That’s what I’ve been tryin’ to tell ya, Eggy! Her Royal Highness just hired me on as her new Chief Engineer!”
Now this shocked Eggman to his core. Hiring Plankton? He was a genius, sure, but HER? “WHAT?!”
“Don’t act so surprised, Doctor,” expressed Makima. “Did you believe I wouldn’t build an Empire without having some skilled help? And your compatriot was insistent I bring you onboard, though it would seem you have little interest in what I have to offer.”
“INTEREST?!” shouted Eggman. “Why should I waste my time under your subservience? You already wasted one of my most brilliant schemes and turned the very idea of slaughtering those putrid preschoolers into a complete joke! And now you have the gall to want to steal my inventions for your Empire, too?!”
Makima just strummed her fingers over the desk. “I would hardly call it stealing. What I want to give you is the means to make your inventions as successful as you want, as I explained to Sheldon here.”
“Eh?”, questioned the good Doctor. “What sort of nonsense are you babbling about?”
Plankton chimed in with an answer. “Turns out that the reason you and I can’t seem to hold down our wins is because there’s this lousy Failure Devil out there. Every time someone’s scared they’ll fail, whoever it is gets stronger. So the Empress promised that if I worked for her, she’d wipe that guy out of existence and we’d never lose again!”
Something about this intrigued Eggman. He was only vaguely familiar with the concepts of Devils and how they worked, but it would explain why his own plans have been constantly thwarted by Sonic. But unlike Plankton, Eggman’s won more than a fair share of times, even if that hedgehog kept coming back to foil things in the end.
Still, as a man of science, he knew there had to be a catch to all this. Working with other villain teams (and stabbing them in the back to be left to Sonic’s mercy) had taught him not to trust anyone. He then said to Makima, “A very impressive tale, your highness, but I’m afraid you’ll have to do better than that. I already have my own Empire to worry about, and the last thing I need is it falling to yours!”
Stubborn as ever, just as Makima predicted. But still, everyone had their weakness, and she knew just how to exploit it. “It seems you’d rather exploit my own war against that putrid God of the Dead and his Predacon ally. And how will that serve you when the world won’t recognize a man of your talents?”
“Hmph!”, scoffed Eggman. “And what do you know of my talents?”
“I know that your genius is beyond compare on your world,” spoke the Control Devil. “You looked up to your grandfather and worked hard to follow in his footsteps, yet you felt constrained by your own intellect. That’s why you became who you are; to show the universe that you are not just any scientist: you are Doctor Ivo Robotnik, conqueror of the cosmos. Sonic has never recognized that of you, but I do. And I will continue to grant you that. Work for me, and there won’t be a being in the cosmos who knows of your great name. Everything you do will become the stuff of legends.”
His ego had been sufficiently stroked. Now Eggman felt like he had some long overdue respect coming from a fellow evildoer, even if said evildoer did rip off his plans.
“Just a moment, your highness”, he said as he paused the communique. He turned to Orbot and Cubot, then shouted out, “You two! Fetch my best outfit!”
In a quick montage, Eggman cleaned himself up. He wiped off the crumbs, changed his outfit into a fresh set, polished his goggles, trimmed and waxed his mustache, polished his shoes, and turned around that sad-sack of a state he was in before. He walked back into the room with confidence, stride, and a great grin of evil unlike anything before.
Just then, a live-action human walked into the room carrying a tray of Austrian goat milk lattes, accompanied by a small, robotic girl.
“My God, sir…”, spoke Agent Stone, Eggman’s loyal assistant. “You’re looking so… so…”
“Perfect?” teased Eggman.
“Yes! Perfect! You've achieved your final form!” replied Stone.
Eggman snickered. “Of course, Stone! You cannot achieve genius without perfection!”
Stone started at the good doctor in awe. Back when the universes were separate, there was not just one Robotnik, but several, all in different universes. Aside from the one we all know and love, there was also the bumbling cartoon cretin and star of many a YouTube Poop, the proud owner of a Mean Bean Machine and two different bumbling robot minions known as Scratch and Grounder. There was his more competent cartoon contemporary, who succeeded in enslaving Mobius and dealt with the constant threat of the Freedom Fighters. There were few other incarnations who bore a closer resemblance to the definitive Dr. Eggman but were distinct in their own right.
But one of the most popular and successful Eggmen was the one portrayed in live-action by Jim Carrey —- the one that Stone was all too familiar with. Throughout his villainous escapades, this Robotnik started to resemble his prime counterpart more and more until he became nearly indistinguishable.
And now, he was indistinguishable. In this new mashed-up multiverse, Stone was indeed standing before Eggman Prime, but he had also incorporated the best parts of his other incarnations. This meant that both Eggman and Stone retained their memories of each other from the live-action reality. And from Stone's perspective, his beloved Doctor had returned safe and sound from his sacrifice neutralizing the Eclipse Cannon, looking healthier and more attractive than ever. He had become the best version of himself that he could.
“Ah yes, Agent Stone, I'll never pass up a good Austrian goat-milk latte,” said Eggman as he grabbed one of the coffee cups. Orbot and Cubot also each grabbed a latte but couldn't drink them. Cubot at least tried, but ended up spilling coffee onto his robotic face, adding to the mess. “How can we appreciate the new guy's handiwork if we can't even taste it?” lamented Orbot as he puzzled his way around the coffee cup.
“Yeah, about that, I've been kinda… procrastinating on giving you two taste receptors,” replied Eggman. “Let alone a way to take in beverages in the first place.”
“Can we stick it in our oil intakes?” asked Cubot as he opened his oil valve and started to pour coffee into it.
“NO, YOU MECHANICAL MORON!” cried Robotnik as he tackled Cubot across the room in an attempt to save him. “You're gonna short-circuit yourself!”
“Delicious,” said Eggman's daughter Sage as she drank her latte without any issues. She was a human-like artificial intelligence far more advanced than the two digital dolts in front of her. But there was something unusual about this little creation of his. She held a staunch loyalty to her father, lacking in many of the issues that some of his other robotic beings (like Metal Sonic, who’s tried to backstab Eggman a few times), to the point that she fully supports her father in anything he does. Even so, her protectiveness of him is fiercer than any child her age could bolster to. It was this in mind she turned to her father, expressing an obvious concern. “Father, it is good to see you are back to your old self again. However, I cannot help but state the obvious dangers in forming an alliance with the Control Devil.”
Eggman let out a hearty bellow. “My dear Sage, I’m all too aware that Makima is never one to be trifled with, but I assure you that I have no intention of simply being her lapdog. She respects my genius above all else, but I’m fully prepared to ensure she never brainwashes your old man.”
“And how would you accomplish that?” asked the curious A.I.
“Quite simple. Don’t stab her in the back.”
Eggman thought about all his other “alliances” that he fractured thanks to wanting to be top dog, and realized the Control Devil wouldn’t allow him to get away with it. “Trust me when I say that any attempts at betrayal will land me in the dog pound – and that’s if I’m lucky! If she somehow gets that little pooch she’s so obsessed with back under her servitude, she’d have me wiped out of existence!”
Sage simply nodded. It was sound (er, mostly), but risky. Still, she supported him no matter what. “I understand, father.”
But Agent Stone had a more jovial reaction. “An excellent plan, sir! I’m sure that not even she would dare to remove your genius from reality.”
Eggman let out an approving cackle as he turned the call back on. Makima and Plankton both watched over him as he said, “Congratulations, your highness. As of this moment forward, victory is guaranteed now that I’ve accepted your generous offer.”
Plankton fist pumped in the air, happy that his new villainous friend took the deal, as Makima smirked herself. “An excellent choice, Doctor. Report to Coruscant at once. I’ll need your assistance in the redesign efforts once I’ve seen fit to recruit the Decepticon leader. Until then, I must return to the Imperial Palace and make preparations for your arrival.”
The screen shut off as Eggman, though questioning why Makima felt the urge to recruit those tin cans, danced around as only a man played by Jim Carrey could. In his excitement, he exclaimed, “Boys, pack everything! We’re moving shop to Coruscant! Orbot, Cubot, Stone, grab my personal effects.”
Orbot grumbled. “Oh, great. The boss is back.” He then shoved Cubot over to the side and pointed towards Eggman’s belongings to get him to move along. Cubot just took the job with excitement as he shouted in unison with Agent Stone, “Oh, great! The boss is back!”, grabbing as much as he could carry with his arms while letting some of the effects drop and break. Cubot and Stone then gave each other a high-five, causing the latter to drop some of his cargo too.
As the quintet all marched towards Eggman’s fleet, hundreds of Badniks and all of Eggman’s robotic creations marching along with him to provide Makima with a significant amount of reinforcements for his efforts, the good doctor laughed in a ho-hum fashion. To him, this was the opportunity of a lifetime. Now, the whole galaxy would worship his genius. And nothing, not even that pesky hedgehog, would ruin things for him!
Second Wind
Speaking of Sonic, where was that hedgehog? Gee, you’d think with the story off TV Tropes and his page having gotten cut long ago, he’d have shown up to deal with his arch-enemy by now. Oh, don’t worry, he was well on his way to coming along, running at top speed like the little speedster he is. The American Southwest bore witness to a blue blur across the major highway and freeways, his smug attitude still on his face as he ran with the wind at his back.
But even speedsters needed to stop for a quick snack break, and in Albuquerque, he hit up a small snack stand and quickly bought a chilli dog for the road. He scarfed it down on the way, then grabbed a newspaper, running as he read. He saw the headline –– and within seconds, he stopped dead in his tracks.
“Makima Attacks Sesame Street! Control Devil Nearly Commits Genocide on Beloved Muppets.”
Well, news is supposed to travel as fast as Sonic, but it looked like he might have missed the memo on this one. But still, the whole thing sounded awfully familiar…
“Right, Eggman!”, he exclaimed as he recalled stopping that egghead from roboticizing Sesame Street. “And if this redhead’s making a run at them, somethin’ tells me he’ll go for it again!” Putting himself in a running position, he built up enough speed to head straight for Sesame Street, then… huh?
“Wait… one of the Chaos Emeralds is around here?”
Yes, the Chaos Emeralds – whoever collected all seven of them would know unlimited power. But in this merged universe, they were one of many different types of MacGuffins that could accomplish feats like that. Still, the fact that a Chaos Emerald was nearby caught Sonic’s attention, and he raced to the run-down RV where it seemed to be held.
“Second try..." a scruffy-looking young man said as he grabbed a flask and poured it into a pot of boiling water as a bald, mustached man in his fifties furrowed his brow at him.
Inside the RV, one Walter Hartwell White and his lab assistant, Jesse Pinkman, were working on a new strain of meth. Once a beleaguered chemistry teacher, Walt had been diagnosed with lung cancer at age 50, and had to deal with the additional burdens of a pregnant wife and a son with cerebral palsy. He had no choice but to enter the criminal underworld and start selling meth to fund his operation and family, roping in Jesse – one of his former failed students – for the ride. What followed was a tumultuous series of murders, plots and betrayals that saw Walt (now assuming the identity of “Heisenberg”) become one of New Mexico’s most magnificent and feared drug lords until his eventual death by machine gun. But throughout the experience, he had imparted his chemistry knowledge unto Jesse, teaching him how to cook immaculate batches of meth.
And now, in this merged world, Walt found himself alive again – albeit with cancer, thus trapping him in the same predicament as before. And for some reason, he was stuck here with Jesse, the protegé who he had used to achieve his meteoric rise in the crime world, cooking meth once again in the middle of nowhere. Walt didn't even have a chance to see his family again! Deep down in side, he wondered if they were all right, or even still alive. All that he knew was that he was alive, that he had cancer again, that he was back in the meth business, and...
Weirder still were all the strange occurrences around them. Weeks ago, Walt had read in the news that the Predacon leader Megatron had killed Barney the Dinosaur, and that some Japanese woman named Makima had taken over the Galactic Empire and made Darth Vader her servant. And just the other day, he and Jesse had infiltrated the Wicked Witch of the West’s castle in the Land of Oz in search of magical potions to use for new strains of meth.
Was this some sort of fever dream? Were the drugs getting to Walt himself? Was he in some near-death state where every fictional story in existence was coming true? Whatever the case, he just did whatever he could given the circumstances, and worked with Jesse to find and experiment with the strangest new ingredients that could potentially, once again, produce drugs potent and coveted enough to raise money for his operation. "And?" Walter asked his "business partner".
“Comin’ along nicer than last time,” replied Jesse as he tested the Wicked Witch’s potions. A perfectly cut, pink sparkling gem sat on the desk -- both Walt and Jesse had attempted to cut and shave it to test it as an ingredient in their new meth recipe, but to no avail. The gem just didn't give.
Apprehensive about the chaotic treatment Walt had given him in life that eventually devolved into downright abuse, Jesse was no happier with his predicament. However, something told him that this Walter White was a kinder, gentler one -- not a good or even scrupulous guy, but one who had just pulled himself out of the deep end. Still, Jesse knew that one wrong move could start the cycle all over again and put the pair through the same hell that they had gone before, an ouroboros of hatred and danger.
Rather than using their existing chemical knowledge, Walt and Jesse had to experiment with new substances and determine their properties. Jesse poured one of the potions into a cooking pot where the meth in there turned a bright blue. “It’s now lookin’ all pretty and is a hundred times more potent than the last strain. I know a few rich families who’ll pay top dollar for this shit.”
"And we'll split the proceeds 70-30."
It suddenly occurred to Jesse that he had no idea what stage in his life he had been flung into. Maybe he was homeless again? Maybe he needed to pay for Saul Goodman's legal services to get himself out of a bind? Maybe Tuco Salamanca came back to life too, and was lurking around a corner ready to ambush and kidnap the pair again?
"Can I get back to you on that? I still haven't gotten my bearings. 50-50 makes a lot more sense..."
Walt then rushed at Jesse and pinned him against the wall. "70-30 and that's final."
Jesse was shocked that Walt's worst impulses were coming back to him. "Hey, hey, fuck you, man. I bet you don't even know where you are or what's going on."
The older man began to raise his voice and sneer. "Listen, Jesse, I have cancer again. You're lucky I'm not making it 80-20. And what problems do you have, hmm? Are you literally facing your own death?"
Jesse protested. "You died once before. It's a miracle -- well, a miracle for you -- that you came back to life. Maybe you should have stayed dead."
Walt got violent with his protegé and started to yell. "You FUCKING ungrateful little dipshit! I'M THE ONE WHO MADE YOU A SUCCESS! I SAVED YOUR LIFE!"
The two began to fight as Jesse yelled back. "I didn't WANT to be back here with you, back in the drug trade, dumbass! I was perfectly fine getting away from it all and living my own life! Can't you just understand for one fucking second that I'm not your tool? And that I wouldn't have gone back to cook with you if I had the choice?"
Suddenly, the two of them heard a knock at the door. “Hey! Open up!” said a youthful voice.
The sudden possible threat at the door caused Walter and Jesse to cease their brawling. They were forced to work together for their own survival, once again.
“Feds? Rival gangs?” Jesse asked, starting to panic.
“No fuckin’ idea,” replied Walter. “Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s some cartoon animal or some crap. I dunno what to make of this world.”
The knocking continued. “It’s Sonic the Hedgehog! I think you have something I need!”
Jesse was incredulous. “Sonic the fucking Hedgehog?!? Are you kidding me?!? Hey, bozo, why don’t you just piss off and go back to Laugh-a-Lot Land or whatever cartoon thing you think you came from? This is private property!”
Sonic then knocked down the door and immediately swiped the pink gem, staring at Walter and Jesse in shock. “Were you two seriously using this thing to… make drugs?!? ”
Walter and Jesse shook their heads, recognizing how weird things were getting if they were talking to a literal blue cartoon hedgehog from a video game. Walt glared at Sonic. “Listen, firecrotch, I have lung cancer and need to do whatever I can to make money in this economy. Not my fault if proper radiation therapy costs 90 grand.”
Sonic began to lecture the duo. “You don’t even know what you’re doing! This is a Chaos Emerald, a really powerful ancient artifact! If you collect all seven of them then it gives you the ability to warp space and time!”
Jesse replied to Sonic, looking at him suspiciously. "Were you the one who caused all this? 'Cuz the last thing I need is for some demented blue talking rodent to reunite me with this abusive fuck who put me through the wringer."
"I DID NOT PUT YOU THROUGH THE WRINGER!" yelled Walt, a look of violence in his eyes. Suddenly, he found himself having a coughing fit. His lung cancer acted up as he began to cough up blood.
Sonic was a bit confused as to what to do, but then he spotted the evidence. Elaborate plots written down on paper. Dead bodies that still needed to be disposed of. Come to think of it, the smell of meth made perfect sense now. The Blue Blur looked at his surroundings in shock, not having dealt with this level of violence, treachery and intrigue before. He then gathered himself, kept his cool, and glared at Walt and Jesse angrily. “Wait a minute! You two are murderous druglords!”
“Wait w-w-w-wait! I can explain!” cried Jesse as he desperately tried to hide the evidence.
“Not fooling me, pal!” replied Sonic. “I better hand you over before you can do any more harm!”
"Explain the situation to me..." said Walter weakly as he continued coughing. "You're with the feds... you must be..."
“Nope! Don’t trust ‘em,” replied Sonic. “I have this friend in Montana named Tom, he’s a sheriff, and I know he’s outta state but he’s one of the few people I trust to treat you properly. So you–”
Just then, Walter grabbed a handgun and started to shoot at the Blue Blur, with Jesse following suit. Sonic, speedster that he was, dodged the bullets with ease. The shootout continued for a while until Sonic was able to grab a length of rope and tie up Walter and Jesse.
“Bullshit,” said Jesse as he tried to reach for a pocket knife to free himself and his mentor.
“Well, if it’s any consolation,” replied Walter, “better Sonic the friggin’ Hedgehog than some rival drug lord. Least this guy doesn’t wanna kill us.” He continued to cough up blood.
“Alright, Mythbusters, I got some questions for you,” said Sonic as he began to interrogate the pair.
Suddenly, a soft but sultry female voice pierced through the air. “There will be no questions.”
Makima, the Control Devil – the same woman who had aped Eggman and attempted to destroy Sesame Street – showed up at the door of the RV.
“Fuck, it’s the feds,” said Walter to Jesse.
“You must be Walter Hartwell White. Also known as… Heisenberg,” said Makima, putting her face uncomfortably close to Walt’s.
Walter replied with a simple “Yeah…” It struck him as especially weird that the first woman he saw in this new merged world -- and one who seemed to violate his personal space -- was not his own wife, Skyler.
“Hey! You! Office lady!” Sonic screamed at Makima. “You better not be preparing to kill us all, ‘cuz if you do, you’re gonna face the wrath of the Fastest Thing Alive, and that’s never a good thing!”
Makima simply ignored Sonic as she continued to speak to Walter. “You and your protegé have a knack for finding yourselves in… dire, unfortunate situations. That sounds all too familiar to me – many of my dogs came from similar backgrounds.”
“What the fuck d’you want with us?” asked Jesse.
“Ah, Mr. Pinkman, your mentor has taught you well. I’d be more than happy to adopt you… but you, Mr. White, are who I’ve been seeking out.”
“For what? You gonna cap us? Throw us in the slammer? Go right the fuck ahead! I ain’t got much time to live anyway!” replied Heisenberg. "Hey! Jesse! You said that maybe I should have stayed dead? Well, wishes come true!"
“If you don’t agree to my terms,” specified Makima. “You, Mr. White, are a brilliant strategist and chemistry expert. You’ve worked your way out of dire situations many times, and defused the many traps set for you by rivals. Your immaculate grasp of chemistry has also allowed you to create chemical weapons at a level that puts others to shame.”
“Scratch that. I think she’s gonna pitch us a job offer,” noted Jesse. "Maybe she's our ticket out of this shithole and this shitty status quo."
“So, I have a proposal for you,” Makima continued. “I take you into my Neo Galactic Empire and offer you food, shelter and a better life.”
“I already have a family!” Walt retorted. “And a house! I haven't even seen them yet since this batshit-wackyland saw fit to bring me back! What else can you offer us?!?”
“How about… full pardons for all your crimes?”
Walter and Jesse were intrigued. “And then?”, Walt added.
“You'll also receive top-of-the-line medical treatment courtesy of the Empire's finest doctors. But that's not all, Mr. White. When I achieve my final goal, my beloved Chainsaw Man will allow me to erase entire concepts from existence. Say, Heisenberg… how does it sound for him to eat the Cancer Devil and eliminate the very idea of the cancer that’s been plaguing you for so long?"
Finally, this was starting to sound worthwhile to the druglord. “All right. You got me there. But how can we even trust you?”
Makima deflected. “There is the alternative. That being… your deaths at my hands. I’m nowhere near as merciful as your blue hedgehog friend over here.”
“Pfft!” protested Sonic. “Yeah, yeah, let villains be villains, no way am I just gonna let you three go without a fight!”
“Ohohoho! But you will! ”, said a raspy voice.
“Eggman!” exclaimed Sonic, recognizing his old arch-enemy.
Dr. Eggman also walked into the RV. “Listen, Sonic, me and the Empress have a bunch of stuff to take care of, and we need these new recruits. So, I have a deal for you: you leave them alone, and I leave your precious Chaos Emerald alone. For now.”
“You know I have trust issues with you, right?” replied Sonic.
“That’s why I said ‘for now’,” replied the good doctor. “Of course you know I’ll be after that Chaos Emerald, but right at this moment, all we need is to bring these meth-heads back with us for our army. Then you… go back to Sesame Street. Or whatever you were doing when you decided to take this little detour.”
Seeing the risk in giving up the Chaos Emerald – especially as Eggman already had another one in his possession – Sonic reluctantly accepted. “Alright, you win this time, Egghead. Go take those losers back to your leader.”
“HOHOHOHOHO! You see that? I finally got Sonic to agree to my terms on something!” cackled Eggman gleefully.
“Right, you gonna take us to our new jobs?” asked Jesse.
"First we gotta destroy the evidence," added Walt.
"Did you even listen to the lady, shithead?" replied Jesse. "FULL. PARDONS. FOR. OUR. CRIMES. It doesn't even matter."
Walter simply raised an eyebrow at Jesse. Makima untied the pair as the four villains boarded a Lambda -class Imperial Shuttle that took them all the way to Coruscant.
On the way to the throne room, Orbot and Cubot could be seen grumbling as they reassembled MrBeast's corpse. Suddenly, a sharp-dressed young man with light brown hair spotted the traveling party. “You! My liege! I can’t friggin’ believe you! You’re bringing literal criminals into the Empire?!? They’re the scum of the earth! They’re the very people I was prepared to kill in the name of justice!”
“Shut the fuck up!” Walter barked at Light. Makima shushed him.
“You see, Yagami-san, humans are, by their nature, monsters driven by instinct. The idea of laws and civilization is a front; inside, they only desire to do as they please. No laws, police, no others can tell them otherwise. So long as they have the will, they will act without hesitation.”
Light looked confused, not having his worldview challenged like that before. “If they’re criminals… but you make the laws… then…”
“Sometimes you just need to employ the lesser evil in the name of justice,” added Makima. “Oh, and by the way, Mr. White, this might be of interest to you…”
A very petite blonde woman in gothic lolita clothing entered the room. “I’m Misa Amane, and I’m here to motivate you!” she squealed. “My Shinigami Eyes let me tell you how much longer you have to live, so the better you are to my Light and to the Empress, the more that number will go up!”
Walter looked at her incredulously. “Right, so how much do I have right now?”
"Eighteen months!"
Jesse, meanwhile, pondered the whole thing to himself. This Makima woman wasn't good news at all, and even if the new Walt would end up being softer on him, he still had his worst impulses about him, as he had just witnessed. Something felt... wrong about the fact that one abuser would loosen their grip on him only to lead him into the hands of another. Still, he had enough experience to navigate these sorts of situations, but would he even make it through successfully? Jesse lit up, rolling up a blunt as he prepared for the long and tumultuous journey ahead, hoping to find a way to make Walt and Makima put each other in their respective places.
Notes:
Ahh yes, the old Eggman. Now, the funny part is, Eggman has one of the biggest self demonstrating pages on TV Tropes, but while we were writing the story, we initially didn't have any plans to put him in. At least, not until we got booted off the website. It was during the redevelopment process that Wyvu watched the third Sonic film and got the idea to insert the good doctor into the story, mainly basing his depiction as a hybrid of all of his iterations merged into one (with a heavy emphasis on his film self). Originally, we had thought to let Eggman go off on his own and try to undermine Makima with his own Empire, letting her war with the Neo Legion of Doom play out until he could swoop in and basically steal what was left, which would culiminate in yet another attack on Sesame Street. However, that too would end in defeat, and Eggman would be forced to join Makima anyway. For the sake of streamlining the process, we figured it would be easier if he joined right away.
Now MrBeast...oy, there's not a lot of love for him either. - chris4449
I wasn't even familiar with Breaking Bad to begin with, but I figured that with all the memes going around, and with the dearth of adult live-action shows in this crossover, Walt and Jesse would make great additions to the story. Hell, Walt even had his own self-demonstrating page at one point. As of the time of writing, I'm making my way through the series so that I can do them more and more justice. - Wyvu
Chapter 10: No One Tropes Like Gaston!
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
On the planet Coruscant, an air taxi made its way towards the Imperial Palace. The taxi parked in front of the palace doors and opened its doors, letting out the two men who were riding it. One man was a huge, burly specimen with bulging muscles, a perfectly chiseled face and a shiny black ponytail, wearing Rococo-era commoner clothes including a red shirt so tight that it could barely contain his hulking figure. The other was a diminutive, cartoony-looking man with funny teeth wearing an ensemble that included a brown longcoat.
The burly man stood proudly in the sun, his perfectly straight teeth reflecting in its light. Upon the magnificence of the Coruscant skyscrapers stood a man who held a much greater amount of magnificence for himself – the one and only Gaston LeGume. Yes, was him, the greatest hunter of his village, back from the dead just like Makima and Light.
“Here we are, LeFou! The Imperial Palace!” Gaston exclaimed.
LeFou paid the alien taxi driver with some 1700s-era French coins from a small pouch. “Here ya go,” he said in his sniveling voice. The driver yelled at LeFou in some alien language, only for Gaston to grab the extraterrestrial and chuck him several miles away. As he listened to the screams, Gaston inhaled the city air, stretching out his arms with pride as he gazed upon his glorious biceps. Today, he had believed, would be the greatest day of his life.
“We’re still getting used to this strange new merged world, but I’ve heard of the new Galactic Empress!” Gaston bellowed excitedly. Wait, Gaston knew about the merger? But how could someone who only paid attention to himself be aware of this change, let alone when he’s clearly not much of a thinker? Even LeFou was wondering about that before he realized what Gaston said.
“Wait, a woman ruler?!” asked LeFou in a shocked tone. “But we never had those back home! How can she be any good?”
“The Control Devil, Makima!” Gaston replied. “If you thought Belle was a knockout–”
“Uhh, I’m not really into women…” LeFou muttered.
Gaston continued. “--then this lady knocks her out of the park! She’s the perfect specimen of power, beauty, and authority, which means that only I deserve to be her suitor!”
LeFou started to be a bit worried about his friend becoming delusional. “Wait, Gaston. Doesn’t that sound a little… out of your league? Surely we can find Belle somewhere around here, or some girl from some other world who won’t play so hard to get and snub you for a literal wild animal!” Of course LeFou had every right to be worried; last time Gaston relentlessly pursued someone who clearly wasn’t interested in him, it resulted in his friend falling to his death. That part he remembered vividly, as he saw it while he was fleeing from the castle that day.
“Nonsense, LeFou!”, Gaston replied. “I am the universe’s prime specimen of authority, manliness and perfection, and I’ll stop at nothing until I get the wife that I deserve! Plus, I’d love nothing more than to make that treacherous Belle jealous and to exact my revenge on her, because no one turns down Gaston!”
LeFou just rolled his eyes. Even though Gaston was back, he still couldn’t let it go that Belle rejected him. Ah well, at least he was willing to try another woman, so there’s that.
Gaston tromped in his boots towards the palace doors, approaching the two Palace Guards standing at the entrance as he made the ground quake with each step.
“Excuse me? My name is Gaston LeGume, and I wish to have an audience with our glorious Empress!”
“For what purpose?” asked one of the guards, pointing their spear at him.
“I am one of the greatest villains of all time, and I wish to join her and aid her in total galactic conquest!” Gaston replied, flexing his biceps.
“Lady Makima doesn’t have time to entertain just any dog nipping at her heels,” the guard added. He drove his spear closer at the intruder, hoping this lunkhead would get the hint and run off.
“I didn’t mean to ask. LeFou?”
LeFou handed Gaston a pitcher filled with raw eggs, which he promptly guzzled. Gaston then knocked out the guards with a terrific haymaker.
“No one says no to Gaston!”
The pair then barged through the palace doors, fighting their way through. The Witchfinder-General spotted them during the whole fracas. “Hark! A Frankish plaebeian of large statchar!” he exclaimed in his incomprehensible retrograde accent. Within seconds, Gaston’s fists socked the Puritan on the jaw, sending him flying into a newly commissioned statue of Makima. The various guards in the palace rushed in, attempting to stop the intruders, as Gaston grinned for the inevitable fight.
Gaston picked up his unfortunate sidekick and threw him like a bowling ball at a group of palace guards, knocking them down like bowling pins. "STRIKE!", the hunter yelled triumphantly as LeFou careened across the floor, screaming for his life. Orbot and Cubot, still repairing MrBeast's body, spotted the dimwitted toady as he crashed into the influencer's corpse, wrecking it and undoing their hard work. The two robots subsequently screamed in frustration as Dr. Eggman entered the room to chide them. "YOU TWO! No rest until that idiotic influencer's back in one piece, and alive and kicking the unfortunate souls who signed up for his 'challenges'!"
After multiple rounds of fighting and biting, Gaston and LeFou made their way to the throne room, where they spotted Makima sitting cross-legged on her throne, guarded by two red-robed Royal Guards. Plankton rushed up to shoo Gaston out, but barely beneath notice, he ended up a stain under Gaston’s boot. “Ouch…”, he muttered as the brute continued towards the throne. Beside the throne, Walter White, Jesse Pinkman and Darth Vader simply observed with mild interest.
“Ah, Monsieur Gaston from Beauty and the Beast ,” Makima greeted. “Your movie was an animated masterpiece. Shame it didn’t win the Oscar – but I do concur that The Silence of the Lambs deserved it after all.” Makima gestured towards an art piece on the wall lovingly drawn by one of her sycophants, a parody poster of that film with the Control Devil’s own face replacing that of Jodie Foster.
“She knows you?!” LeFou exclaimed shockedly. “SHE KNOWS YOU! MAYBE YOU HAVE A CHANCE–”
Gaston socked LeFou in the face. “Don’t ruin this for me, LeFou!”
Gaston then bowed towards Makima. “Milady, I am truly honored to meet you. I am Gaston LeGume, local legend of Villeneuve, and I wish to join your Empire.”
Jesse turned to his "business partner" incredulously. "You think she'll have any reason to hire that sex pervert?"
Makima seemed mildly interested, but felt that a presence like Gaston could be disruptive overall. Yes, he was an excellent fighter and an intimidating presence, but her right-hand man Darth Vader had those bases covered and then some. Yes, he was able to come up with dastardly plots, but Makima herself was already a master planner and had numerous other excellent (if somewhat inferior) strategists on her team, such as Light Yagami. Gaston was also highly anti-intellectual and hated reading, something that ran counter to the Control Devil’s own intelligence and sophistication – and he certainly didn’t have the means of engineering feats like Plankton and Eggman, or the chemical expertise of Heisenberg. Still… maybe he had something to offer. After all, he had an iron will and was dumb and insane enough to perhaps serve as an additional guard dog.
“Go on,” beckoned Makima. “What do you have to offer me?”
"I feel it's best for us to demonstrate -- in song form!" boasted Gaston.
LeFou then immediately broke out into song as a group of session musicians the duo (somehow) brought along started playing accompaniment.
“Gosh it’s an honor to be here, Gaston
Standing before Makima
Every guy here’d love to serve her, Gaston
She makes them bark like – wait, huh?
There’s no one in town as beloved as you
That’s why he and I stopped on by
We knew you were looking for villains, it’s true
So let us…join and I’ll... explain whyyyyyy!”
“Noooooo… one’s…
Slick as Gaston
No one’s quick as Gaston
No one’s neck is incredibly thick as Gaston
For there’s no villain out there as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon
You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley…” As he sang that line, LeFou bopped the helmets of three Stormtroopers.
“And they’ll tell you whose team they prefer to be on…”
LeFou then handed the Stormtroopers and Jesse some coins from his pouch, and they began to sing along as they picked up the little man and swung him around as Walt looked on in embarrassment and facepalmed. In the process, Gaston trampled all over Plankton, stepping on his little green copepod self with those oversized boots.
“Nooooo… one’s…
Been like Gaston
A kingpin like Gaston
No one’s got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston!”
Gaston then joined in. “As a specimen, yes, I’m intimidating!”
LeFou, Jesse and multiple Stormtroopers continued the song. “My, what a guy, that Gaston!”
Makima, deciding to play along, decided to sing the next verse of the musical number and pointed her hand at Makima in her signature "finger gun" gesture. She hadn’t exercised her pipes in a while.
“Your brain is small
Your skills are shit
So tell me why I shouldn't blast you to bits…”
“LeFou, up the ante!”, commanded Gaston. LeFou and the randomly entertained Stormtroopers (and Jesse, still making Walt he wish he had nothing to do with him) continued the song, all while Plankton kept getting stepped on.
“Nooooo… one…
Kills like Gaston
Gives you chills like Gaston
No one squashes rebels for cheap thrills like Gaston!”
The Bimbettes, who randomly also showed up, also chimed in. “If you’re pining for that chainsaw creature…”
Gaston then brandished multiple chainsaws. “Then I’m your type even more so!”
Makima looked confused and disturbed. Somehow, these weirdos had heard of her obsession with Chainsaw Man, but… was Gaston hitting on her?!? This was the last thing she needed on her team if he didn’t have much else to offer.
LeFou sang the next line. “Not a single flawed trait, quirk or feature!”
Gaston began to juggle the chainsaws as he began to sing. “I’d solo him easy. Hah! Just so you know!”
Gaston suddenly began to fumble his chainsaws as one flew through the air, revving and slicing into multiple Stormtroopers. Makima was pissed. The Stormtroopers furiously pointed their blasters at Gaston as he and LeFou looked on in shock, dodging their fire. "What an amusing spectacle," Darth Vader mused as he ignited his lightsaber and charged towards Gaston, who then grabbed one of the remaining chainsaws and started to fight the troopers with it. “You see, no one fights like Gaston!” the hunter spouted triumphantly.
Gaston reached for another chainsaw, but a long-legged yellow star with grumpy eyes showed up just as randomly as the session musicians and the Bimbettes. “You’re bad at this”, said the original Starwalker. Gaston slipped and sent the chainsaw flying at Darth Vader, who used the Force to deflect it. The original Starwalker's mere presence amplified the strength of Vader's deflection one hundred fold and caused the weapon to fly all the way into Hades’ underworld, where it cleanly bisected a happily dancing Barney. Pain and Panic, caught by surprise, screamed in frustration as each imp grabbed one half of the purple dinosaur’s corpse.
Frustrated at the unnecessary damage that the lunkhead was causing, Makima rose up and commanded everyone in the room. “Enough. Heel.”
The fighting stopped on Makima's orders. Walter grabbed his "apprentice" by the collar and started to snarl at him. "JESSE, YOU SHITHEAD! NEVER! PARTICIPATE! IN! MUSICAL! NUMBERS! EVER! AGAIN! DO! YOU! UNDERSTAND?!? YOU'RE A METH DEALER, NOT A THEATER KID!" Having been lifted from the late 2000's, Walt failed to recognize that there's nothing wrong with being a theater kid.
"I was baked out of my mind, all right? Haven't you ever sung crazy songs when you've gotten super friggin' high, huh?" protested Jesse.
In that moment, Plankton peeled himself off Gaston’s boot, and, enraged, shouted out, “Alright, you meathead! Let me sing you a song that you ain’t gonna forget!” A giant Plankton-shaped robot then marched its way into the throne room as Plankton scurried on top of its head and started firing at Gaston’s party.
“Nooooooo…ooooooone…
Dies like Gaston
Runs and flies like Gaston
Screams in pure agony while he fries like Gaston!”
Karen's monitor head popped out of the mech as she joined her husband in his mockery of Gaston's signature song.
“He’ll be wishing he stayed dead when we're done with him!”
Husband and wife then sang together. “Get out of here now Gaston!”
With a giant kick from Plankton’s robotic leg, Gaston and LeFou were kicked out the front door of the Imperial Palace, having been sent flying and landing on the ground with a massive thud.
“You know, Plankton, kicking a Disney villain into the epipelagic zone and turning their song against them's been on my bolt-bucket list since forever,” mused Karen.
“ Stratosphere, Karen,” replied Plankton. “We're on the surface now.”
“Wow, you correcting me? ” snarked Karen. “This multiverse really must have shaken things up.”
LeFou rose up with birdies circling around his head. The Bimbettes were next, followed by the session musicians. “You didn’t even tip us for this gig!”, the accordionist complained as he spat in Gaston’s face. “Yeah, what a jerk,” added the cellist as she and the other musicians stormed off.
Gaston snarled. “Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly humiliated! AGAIN!” The situation was all too familiar for him.
LeFou sighed in response. “She's probably gonna slap you with multiple counts of manslaughter too. And maybe a couple counts of murder.”
Gaston glared at his henchman. “Those were faceless, nameless soldiers! It shouldn't even matter!” he replied, pounding the ground with his fists. His arrogance and narcissism prevented him from seeing certain people as…well, people.
“Did you even SEE how they were angry that you killed their comrade?”
“It wasn't me! It was the chainsaw's fault!” Gaston refused to acknowledge that he made a mistake of any kind. Just like with Belle, he couldn’t accept anything he did was wrong, which even LeFou knew was far from the case.
Just then, the duo started to hear otherworldly police sirens.
“Welp, we really should skedaddle outta here!” cried LeFou, clutching his head.
One starspeeder heist and crash landing later, (totally only LeFou’s fault!) Gaston and LeFou found themselves at an American tavern known as the Drunken Clam, where Gaston drowned his sorrows with pitchers of Pawtucket Patriot. It’s not like Quahog was on their bucket list of travel destinations, but it was the closest place to a safe refuge they could find. Still, the fact that the characters were so oddly drawn and a lot more stiff in their movements made them uncomfortable as the hunter commented on their taste in alcohol.
“This stuff can't even compare to the beer in old France!” protested Gaston. “What kind of brainless monkey even brewed this sludge?!” Despite his distaste, he continued to down the appalling ale.
“Well, look on the bright side, Gaston,” reassured LeFou. “We're still alive! And not rotting in jail!”
Just then, an obese man in a white shirt and green pants passed by with his three drinking buddies.
“Awww, shit, is that Gaston from Disney's Beauty and the Beast ?” asked Cleveland Brown, a black mustachioed man in a yellow shirt.
“The one and only…” Gaston said, dejected and clearly not himself.
“Holy crap, I haven't seen a Disney villain at their lowest point ever since Jafar lost his glasses in Aladdin V! ” said Peter Griffin as a cutaway gag began. A Family Guy -styled Jafar kept repeatedly running into a telephone pole. “My insurance company should have told me about this,” said “Jafar” in a Seth MacFarlane impersonation of his actual voice. The cutaway gag ended and Gaston and LeFou looked on in confusion, then proceeded as if nothing happened.
“Wait, that wasn't funny?” asked Peter, equally confused but for different reasons.
“I-I didn’t get the joke,” replied LeFou.
Gaston spoke up. “I’m just flabbergasted that there are women out there that DON’T fall for my rugged handsomeness and impeccable wiles! LOOK at this immaculate body. LOOK at these iron-clad biceps! LOOK at this perfectly chiseled face! How could ANYONE say no to Gaston?”
“That’s just ‘cuz you don’t know how to get pussy,” said Glenn Quagmire, a sex-obsessed man in a Hawaiian shirt whose enormous chin put Gaston to shame despite his own wiry frame. “I’d say you ask for advice from a true master of the art. Giggity!”
“Why would I ever listen to YOU, beanpole?!?” retorted Gaston as he downed more cheap beer. “You probably couldn’t even beat me in a push-up contest!”
“Ohhhh, it’s ON!,” replied Quagmire. “I used to be a former Navy ensign. Don’t underestimate me, dickhead!”
Gaston and Quagmire started furiously trying to out-push-up the other when they suddenly heard a voice coming from… somewhere.
“What color is your Bugatti?”
Gaston turned to LeFou to see him playing with a smartphone. “LeFou, what in the blazes are you doing with that talking chocolate bar?!?”
“Oh, it’s called a “smartphone”,” replied LeFou. “Joe over here had a spare so he just decided to give it to me.”
“Gotta hate planned obsolescence,” added Joe Swanson, a burly off-duty policeman in a wheelchair with the voice of Patrick Warburton. Something about that voice made Gaston wonder…was that Kronk? He’d only met him at Mickey’s nightclub back in Toontown a few times, but that voice was unmistakable. But even so, Gaston was more concerned about this smartphone thingy and decided to figure out why LeFou was so bent on watching it.
“Gimme that!”, yelled Gaston as he grabbed the phone from LeFou. “Oh? It’s showing moving pictures too? What kind of sorcery is this?”
“Life is war. It's a war for the female you want. It's a war for the car you want. It's a war for the money you want,” said Andrew Tate on the screen. He was a toxic masculine influencer and criminal from Baseline Reality – the kind of person who’d fit right in with Gaston!
“Hey, the things this guy’s saying make perfect sense!” exclaimed Gaston. “And look at how much attention he’s getting. Oh! And I can read the words on this thing without hating myself!”
“Yeah, apparently he’s loved by millions of young men around the world and has a say in a “culture war” of some kind,” replied LeFou.
Gaston continued playing with the phone and discovered the joys of the “manosphere”. Joe Rogan. Tim Pool. Sneako. All manner of superficially masculine grifters being paid handsome money to preach toxic ideals and encourage their countless young male viewers to become the worst versions of themselves they can be. Gaston and LeFou suddenly felt the urge to express their feelings in song, as the former got an idea. “A podcast, huh? A podcast…”
“LeFou, you know I’ve been thinking…”
“A dangerous pastime?”
“Hear, hear.
But these manly men have much influence
In this awesome and great “manosphere”.
Now the wheels in my head have been turning
Since I saw how much sway these guys got
See, I promised that Makima’d one day be mine
And right now I’m concocting a plot!”
Gaston and LeFou started whispering to each other.
“If I?”
“Yes?”
“Then we…”
“No, would she?”
“Guess!”
“Oh! You’d actually serve a purpose to her! Now I get it!”
“But what should we call it?”
Gaston and LeFou then cried out in unison. “The GastCast!”
The patrons of The Drunken Clam then joined Gaston and LeFou in song.
“Noooooo… one…
Acts like Gaston
Spouts true facts like Gaston
Plans to interview partisan hacks like Gaston!”
Gaston then piped up.
“Yes, I’m endlessly, wildly resourceful
And this podcast’s a surefire hit!
I won’t even be mildly remorseful…”
“We got Gaston in the alt-right now? Oh shit!” chimed in Peter.
Everyone continued to sing.
“Whoooo… has…
Brains like Gaston
Entertains like Gaston!”
“Who can make up these endless refrains like Gaston?
I use antlers in all of my decorating…”
“Say it again!
Who’s a man among men?
And let’s say it once more!
Who'll win the culture war?
Who’s a super success
Don’t you know? Can’t you guess
Ask his fans and his five hangers-on
The GastCast is here
And its host has no peer…”
LeFou then broke out into a solo.
“And his name’s G-A-S… T… I believe there’s another T… It just occurred to me that I’m illiterate and I’ve never actually had to spell it out loud before…”
“Me neither,” added Peter.
“GASTOOOOOOOOOOOON!”, everyone triumphantly sung as they flung LeFou against the wall. Yes, Gaston was going to become a manosphere influencer, and the legions of disaffected young men he’d win over and the influence he’d have over modern culture would surely be of use to the beautiful, glorious Empress that was his bride-to-be!
“This is more confusing than the time that other Disney villain disowned his own voice actor,” lamented Peter. Cutaway gag time. James Woods, an old frenemy of Peter and a toxic MAGA supporter, spoke on the phone while wearing a red “Make America Great Again” hat. While he hailed from Baseline Reality, his frequent appearances on Family Guy meant that the form he took was one drawn by Seth MacFarlane.
“I MADE you, you flaming chickenshit!” yelled Woods. On the other end of the line was none other than… Hades, chilling in his Underworld and decidedly not animated in the Family Guy style.
“Sorry, Jamie, but the only thing you’re makin’ great again is my headache!” In the background, Pain and Panic, exasperated, attempted to put together the two halves of Barney’s bisected corpse.
“I NEVER GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO BE WOKE!” shouted Woods angrily.
“Hey, hey, I’m not ‘woke’,” replied the Disney villain that he lent his voice to. “I’m just equal-opportunity evil, unlike you! Oh, and another thing, Jamie – your boy toy Donnie’s on my torment list!” Hades added, gesturing to Donald Trump’s empty torture rack. “Make sure ya tell him that next time ya tweet him!”
“Please tell me you’ll torture at least ONE liberal!” retorted Woods.
“I gotchu, fam,” replied Hades as he gestured to additional torture racks for John Lasseter and Bill Clinton. “Just as long as they do somethin’ that sends ‘em to my home, literally ANYONE is fair game. Red, blue, green, polka dots, you name it. Oh, and by the way, that includes YOU, dumkopv!”
Hades then used his Underworld magic to burn down James Woods’ luxurious mansion in Los Angeles. In the Baseline Reality timeline, Woods would lie about his house burning down in the tragic LA fires of 2025, just to gain sympathy points and dunk on the people he hated. But here, Hades figured he'd just nip the whole thing in the bud for real.
Woods clutched his head, screaming. “I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT! Disney’s made my OWN FUCKING CHARACTER so woke that he burned down my house and is threatening me with eternal torment even though I did nothin’ wrong! What did I do besides steal Peter’s identity that one time and be a proud patriot? I WILL HAVE REVENGE ON THAT DIPSHI– Ooh, piece of candy.”
Woods noticed a piece of Chew-Anon saltwater taffy on the ground – a candy that Stewie and Brian Griffin hastily rebranded to sell to hapless Trump-worshipping schmucks like him. And there were multiple pieces forming a trail! Woods followed them, popping each one into his mouth. “Ooh, piece of candy. Ooh, piece of candy. Ooh, piece of candy…”
Eventually, Woods followed the trail and came face-to-face with… Hades himself. The Disney character that he voiced and helped make a breakout fan-favorite was now out for blood and believed that Woods had gone so far with his beliefs that even he, a literal cartoon villain, couldn’t stand for them. “Oh, shit…”
Back in Quahog, Stewie Griffin, the big-headed baby genius and one of Peter’s kids, was speaking to Hades on the phone. “Yeah, thanks for the favor, Hades,” he said in his suave British accent before hanging up.
Notes:
No...one...steals like Gaston! Makes good meals like - eh, nevermind. Don't want to milk that gag. But yeah, Gaston. Where do we even start with him? Well, it's a funny story. A while back, we were lamenting some of the self-demonstrating pages that got cut, and I had previously made on of those cut entries; Lumiere from Disney's Beauty and The Beast. It sort of spiraled into this whole idea where we realized Gaston himself would be comedy gold for this kind of crossover. So Wyvu was quick to bring the greatest hunter in the whole world (his words, not ours) with his own chapter, altering the story from there. Because of the ongoing climate, we also concluded that Gaston would be the perfect kind of guy to host his own "manosphere" podcast in an attempt to woo Makima. In the future, we'll be publishing several side stories, one of which involves said podcast. Now as for where his prior target of interest may lie, well...that'd be saying to much, wouldn't it? ;) - chris4449
Chapter 11: Tools of Destruction
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Silence… No other word could describe the wreckage of the Nemesis like any other. Beneath the waves of the ocean, there stood only the damaged remains of a once mighty warship from billions of years ago. But none under the sea, be they fish, merfolk, or just some unlucky diver who happened to come across it, dared to go anywhere near its borders, for they knew precisely what lay within.
And to those who could hear it, all they heard was mirthless laughter.
Just within the earshot of a curious redheaded mermaid who was scouring the ocean for treasures, the wreckage of the ship echoed with the deep, raspy laugh of the diabolical mastermind known only as Megatron. Not the Predacon who dared to steal his name – the one TRUE Megatron. And unlike the pretender, who’s sole claim in this new world was eliminating Barney, there was much to be said about Decepticon Warlord.
Scourge of Kaon. Warrior of the Pit. The Slagmaker. Warlord of Cybertron. Slayer of Sentinel Prime. All of these titles and more wouldn’t even begin to describe just how monstrous he was. If only the universe knew of the other atrocities he committed.
Still, it was these atrocities that had brought Makima to the Nemesis today, accompanied by all of her recruits. Darth Vader. The Witchfinder-General. Sheldon J. Plankton. Doctor Robotnik. It was like a fantasy football team, but with evil-doers from all across fiction. After that buffoonish Gaston dared to burst into her chambers demanding her hand in marriage, what she needed now was someone who could aid her cause without making the whole thing a self-aggrandizing charade.
And following behind all of them was MrBeast, having been resurrected and sent home but unceremoniously fired from the Empire due to his complete lack of survival instinct and overall uselessness. Ever since he became another target for the original Starwalker, any potential usefulness he may have had to the Empire went up in flames, as unlike Hades, Makima didn't see the merit in hiring a buffoon who'd simply die every five seconds.
"MAKIMA!" yelled Jimmy. "WHY THE HELL DID YOU FIRE ME ALL OF A SUDDEN? I WAS EXCITED TO BRING OVER A BRAND NEW AUDIENCE TO YOUR AWESOME EMPIRE! JUST LET ME DO ONE MORE CHALLENGE HERE, OKAY? I NEED TO HAWK THE NEW LUNCHLY WAVE TO THEM! MAYBE EVEN WITH YOUR FACE ON IT! BUT I'D HAVE TO ASK MAPPA FIRST!"
"Check your bank account, Mr. Donaldson," Makima replied. MrBeast checked his account and... nothing! His coffers were completely emptied and all his funds were transferred to the Empire!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed MrBeast. "MY WEALTH! MY CLOUT! HOW WILL I CONTINUE MY WORK THIS WAY! AND CONTINUE TO LINE MY-- ERR, MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE! I'M NOTHING! I'M RUINED!"
"Oh, you're lucky I didn't kill you again," replied Makima. "As soon as that walking star showed up to toy with your life, I figured you'd be too much of a burden. People like you don't make the world a better place -- you merely wish to perpetuate the status quo and play around it to portray yourself as a "hero". Now, return home and never come back here again. That's an order."
Makima shot a chain out of her waist as it pierced MrBeast's forehead. "Yes, Ms. Makima. I'm glad I could donate all of my money to a charitable cause," said MrBeast, dropping his usual hyperactive, cheery act. He walked away as two stormtroopers carried him on board a shuttle.
"NOOOOOOOO! I was looking forward to working with MrBeast for my new collab and becoming even more famous and popular!" cried Misa Amane. "I so wanted to enter the influencer space myself, too!"
Plankton turned to Dr. Eggman, shaking his head in disappointment. "Aww, I kinda missed the guy," he said. "It was sorta fun seeing the utter misery on your lil' bots' faces as they were forced to rebuild him."
"Hmmm... maybe we can find a new chronically dead doofus to replace him," replied Robotnik. "We can then use said doofus both as a means of torture AND as punishment for insubordination!"
A devilish grin appeared on Plankton's face. "Ha-ha, you got me there, Eggy! Someone who's annoying as heck AND is tons of not-fun to rebuild! But who, exactly? And how do we convince the boss lady to keep 'em on? After all, she ditched Jimmy for being that very thing."
"Let's wait 'til afterwards. We have a dictatorial Decepticon despot to fry -- err, hold off on frying until he refuses to join."
After that fiasco, Makima and her goons entered the Nemesis' throne room. She stood silently as the Decepticon leader bellowed upon his throne, his laughter mocking her mere presence. Right next to him stood someone else that caught her eye – Starscream. The Seeker was so infamous for making multiple attempts on his own master’s life, he had managed to gain enough prominence as the number one backstabber in this new world. She pondered if perhaps he was the Betrayal Devil, feeding from humanity’s fear of being betrayed by their closest friends and allies. But the Self-Serving Seeker wasn’t the one she was here for; Starscream’s ambitions were far too great. Bringing him in, at least willingly, would guarantee he’d try to usurp her the moment he got a chance.
As she briefly pondered why Megatron bothered keeping him around, she could see Plankton and Light were both getting annoyed at the warlord’s laughter – as was she. “Is there something you find amusing, Lord Megatron?”, she asked.
Megatron finally calmed himself down. He let off one of his trademark sheepish grins as Starscream rolled his eyes. The warlord said, “Amusing is perhaps too strong a word, Control Devil.” He got up and approached her, his towering visage dwarfing the Galactic Empress. “I just find it ironic that of all the powers to approach in this galaxy, it would be my own Empire – not to seek for an alliance, but annexation.”
Makima smirked. “Come now, Warlord. We both know that what I have to offer would be mutually beneficial to both of us. With my budding Empire and my ever-growing slate of resources, I am offering you the means to finally be rid of that bothersome Autobot leader. You’ve been fighting him for, what – billions of years? – and he still continues to pester you like an annoying little flea.”
“Hmph, as if you could have attempted to eliminate Prime any better,” spoke Megatron. “He does not perish so easily. He is built of sterner stuff, made to survive punishments that most bots could not withstand. And death…death is but a joke to him.” He thought back to the moment he first witnessed Orion Pax die on Cybertron, as the newly born Megatron cast his former friend into the core of the planet, shattering their friendship beyond repair. “I have witnessed it firsthand…”
All this did was make Makima more amused. “Then you think too small. For all you’ve accomplished in your lifetime, you’ve always lacked the ability to grasp greater powers. You refuse to unleash your antimatter upon your enemies out of fear it would cause greater harm, you deny yourself powers like the Underbase that would make Prime but an insect beneath your heel, and your “Allspark” is not even in your grasp. I would say you have lost way of your pack.”
Starscream smirked in agreement, no doubt thinking that Makima agreed that someone else besides Megatron should be in charge. But as usual, he was ignored as his master spoke. “And you, Control Devil, think too big. Do you know what your mistake is?”
Makima knew what he was doing; seeing if she’d take the bait and be goaded into a fight. Luckily for her, it’s precisely what she was hoping for. “I don’t make mistakes, Lord Megatron.”
Another snicker escaped Megatron’s audio processor. “Then explain your recent attempt at slaughtering those harmless creatures on Sesame Street.” He saw her brow furl. “The Sesame Sieges, as the world has been calling them.” He snickered once again. “I fail to see how someone truly as powerful as you would be so willing to waste your energies on such pathetic beings.”
Makima stood there in silence. She could see Vader was preparing himself to unsheathe his lightsaber at a moment’s notice, but she gestured for him to wait. Soon, my hound. Soon, she thought to herself. But for Megatron’s sake, she would grant him the fool’s desire to mock her. One last word before he would be made to heel.
Megatron continued onward. “I never understood why others who think as I do have seen fit to target these weaklings. What do they have to offer? Resources? Slaves? Far from enough to justify an invasion, let alone when their denizens are little in mind. There is no point in bringing them to ruin, when there are far greater prizes to be sought.” He walked back to his throne and sat upon it once again. “You have accomplished nothing of value, Control Devil. Your conquest of Palpatine’s Empire has only granted you a reprieve. In the end, you will perish alone, remembered only for the fact that you attempted to slaughter the defenseless for petty reasons. Your Empire will crumble, and your followers will desert you for grander ambitions.”
He let off one big grin. “You are nothing but a petulant child. Much like the pretender.”
That was all Makima needed to hear.
She glared into Megatron’s visage, her faux smile hiding her frustrations as she spoke in that not-so-innocent voice of hers. “I had hoped you would be willing to see that my offer would help you in your cause, “Lord” Megatron. But evidently, it seems that you must be housebroken.” She fired off a chain in his direction as her followers armed themselves.
Elsewhere in the Nemesis , deep within the communications center, slumbered Soundwave. His mind was fast at work monitoring all communications channels, searching for any information vital to his master’s mission. There was no bit of data he wasn’t overlooking, for it was his duty to serve Megatron, and ensure the Autobots were defeated. That was his purpose.
Silently, he looked over each bit of code, every soundbite, every scrap of information for anything that Megatron could exploit. He saw potential new weapons designs, airwave transmission that could be hijacked for propaganda broadcast, even the very encodings of this newfound digital currency that could potentially bring down Earth’s economy. All of this and more granted him access to any strategy conceivable, for information alone was the most dangerous weapon of them all.
But no strategy could compare him for what was to come next when the alarm sounded.
In the throne room, Starscream was frantically pushing the alert system, begging for reinforcements as Megatron stepped on Makima with his giant foot. "Air Commander Starscream to Decepticon forces! We are under siege!" Starscream then turned to Megatron with a maniacal grin on his face. "But we aren't helping him."
To Megatron's shock, whenever he created a stain that should have been the late Control Devil, it just regenerated without a care, showing no signs that she had been harmed. She just smirked, thinking that some poor sap in Japan’s going to find themselves street meat the more Megatron continues to step on her. But the Decepticon didn’t know that; he knew not of her Devil Contract. All he knew was pure, unbridled rage.
Megatron’s fury kept growing and growing, angry that Makima wouldn’t die. This fury left him wide open as Plankton used his robotic mech suit to strike at the brittle gaps in his joints. The copepod was laughing widely while Karen kept coordinating the targets to the others. “MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Now that’s how ya do a repair job!”, he could be heard yelling as Chainsaw Consultant kept buzzsawing him in the weak points.
“YOU’RE FIRED YOU’RE FIRED YOU’RE FIRED YOU’RE FIRED”, the Cog kept repeating. Meanwhile, Dr. Eggman flew around in his iconic Egg Mobile, dropping bombs on Decepticon troops and firing missiles at some of the higher-ranking bots. But even this didn’t concern Megatron, as he unleashed more and more of his fury upon Makima, blasting her with his fusion cannon. All the while, Starscream kept pushing the alarm, begging for help. "WE NEED IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE! SEND BACKUP!" Starscream then turned to his hated master. "But not for you," he muttered under his breath.
Soundwave was quick to issue an alert. “INTRUDER ALERT. ALL DECEPTICON FORCES, REPORT TO THRONE ROOM.”
March forth did many of the Decepticons, eager to defend their master. Thundercracker, Skywarp, and a minor Seeker named Redwing were the first to enter the throne room, Starscream cowering behind the chair.
“It’s about time you fools got here!”, screeched the Seeker, his voice trembling in fear. “DESTROY THOSE WHO DARE TO ATTACK US!”
The Seekers charged in, aiming for Plankton, Chainsaw Consultant, and the Egg Mobile's engines. Karen stepped in, armed with several laser blasters. “Sorry boys, but these henchbots are mine!” She unleashed her fury upon the trio, firing everything she had got with a sadistic laugh. Even Plankton was shocked she could get this insane as Thundercracker wound up taking the brunt of it.
Hiding in the shadows, Light saw Skywarp teleport, ready to ambush the Witchfinder General. He thought to himself, If the Death Note can’t kill the known forces of the universe, surely this one, a minor player, would count? Without hesitating, he whipped out the Death Note as Ryuk appeared behind him. The stroke of his pen whooshed like lightning as he jotted down Skywarp’s name in the book. Every fiber of his being hoped it would work.
It didn’t. Skywarp simply ported behind the Witchfinder General as he did what he’s memetically famous for – pushing people down flights of stairs.
Light’s own fury grew. He heard Ryuk cackling behind him. The Shiganami bit into an apple and said, “Nice try, but you’re still aiming too high!” Light could only shake his head as he thought to try…no, not Thundercracker. He saw Redwing trying to finish off the injured Witchfinder General, and quickly jotted his name down in the Death Note.
Within seconds, Redwing’s eyes dimmed, and his body turned to grey as he collapsed. The Witchfinder General breathed out a sigh of relief that he wasn’t going to die today, only for Skywarp to try and carry on while Thundercracker rushed to his fallen comrade’s side.
Light himself was stunned that actually worked. So, Ryuk wasn’t kidding. The Death Note’s power only works on the truly obscure. Good thing I have a list of names handy . He opened up his smartphone and pulled up the Decepticons' roster…
Elsewhere, Soundwave had disconnected himself from the communications hub. “RUMBLE, FRENZY, LASERBEAK, RAVAGE, EJECT. OPERATION: REINFORCEMENTS. ” Out of his chest compartment, four cassette tapes ejected and transformed, leaving two small robots colored red and blue, a robotic condor, and a robot jaguar. They were quick to gather up by their master’s side and follow him. Hydreigon ferociously followed behind and fired a Tri Attack at Rumble, Frenzy and Ravage, launching a different elemental beam from each of his mouths at one of the cassette-bots, injuring them and causing them to slump over to the ground.
Out in the hall, Soundwave spotted several of the other Decepticons attempting to reinforce Megatron and Starscream – Blitzwing, Astrotrain, the Constructicons, Barricade, Lugnut, and many others. He saw them go into the room as he attempted to coordinate the assault, performing a headcount. He could see some of them were already chanting out in preparation to aid their leader.
"NONE SHALL DARE TO ASSAULT THE GLORIOUS LEADERSHIP THAT IS MEGATRON!" Such a boast came from Lugnut, ever as loyal to his master as ever. He was a transplant from the Malgus cluster, stylized to look more like Generation One in appearance.
"Put your Energon chips where you audio processor is," spoke Barricade, himself transplanted from the Tyran cluster, but borrowing the Tyran Game universe's voice of Keith David and now also more generally matching the G1 aesthetic. "Let's remind them who's the authority here."
In the midst of using various homemade chemical weapons, Walter White spotted Barricade and made a note of his altmode. "I fucking hate the police," he grumbled, throwing a thermite flashbang at the Decepticon.
Nearby, Blitzwing was running up, armed and ready. "Good! I've been hoping to-"
Suddenly, his faced changed from his more familiar appearance to a cold, icy face. "Ensure zhat zeir suffering is cold, merciless, and-"
His faced switch again to something a lot more bonkers. "BLAST ZEM TO SMITHEEREENS GAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Barricade and Lugnut groaned. Since this whole merger business, Blitzwing was unlucky enough to get his Malgus cluster counterpart's traits of having three faces to match his three forms (and his German accent, too). His faces were more stylized to match the Primax appearance (along with his normal face taking the place of his "Hothead" face), but he was now voiced by Bumper Robinson and his personality shifted at random. It wasn't fun having to try to deal with three of the same guy.
As for Soundwave, he had no idea what was going on in there.
Skywarp’s attempt to kill the Witchfinder-General ended the moment Makima, still no less harmed than before, stuck a chain inside the Seeker’s head. Within seconds, she soon had Thundercracker. “Now be good dogs and target your former master. That’s an order.” And without hesitation, they carried it out, firing their lasers at Megatron.
But he still didn’t care. Even as Plankton, Karen, Eggman and Chainsaw Consultant tore into his body, he refused to back down. He kept firing at Makima with everything he had.
Right next to him, Walter and Jesse donned hazmat suits, and fired gas cannons that contained a specially-engineered compound designed to dull the senses of Cybertronians and make them more susceptible to Makima’s powers of suggestion.
“Wait, you’re telling me these fuckers can breathe?”, asked Jesse incredulously.
“Just roll with it! It’s our job now!” replied Walt as he unleashed another gas canister into the Decepticon horde.
Blitzwing found himself surrounded in a cloud of gas. "Vhat kind of substance is zis," he asked, before his head rotated, revealing his "Hothead" face. "ZESE INSECTS ARE SO CRAFTY, IT MAKES ME--" Blitzwing's head then rotated to Random mode. "--vant to sing myself to sleep! Hush, leetle Blitzving, don't say a vord..." Blitzwing's head then spun uncontrollably as he screamed, his tone of voice constantly changing with his personality as he passed out, leaving him open for Eggman to incapacitate him with bombs.
Soon, Vader stepped in. “Enough,” boasted the Sith, as he used his lightsaber to cut Megatron’s fusion cannon in two, then aimed right for his hand. Both fell off cleanly without issue. But Megatron kept pushing through the pain, little aware that his Decepticons were falling victim to Makima one by one.
The Constructions, Blitzwing, Astrotrain, the Stunticons, the Combaticons, Reflector, Octane, the Insecticons, Dirge, Ramjet, Thrust, The Predacons, the Terrorcons, Lugnut, Barricade, Blackout, even Trypticon and Sixshot – they all soon had chains piercing through them.
But the others – Runabout, Runamuck, Mindwipe, Skullcruncher, Apeface, Misfire, Pounce, Wingspan, Weirdwolf, and many others whose names often escaped the minds of their fans – were dropped, one by one, as both Light and Misa’s Death Notes took hold over their bodies. Ryuk could only laugh as a higher death toll began to take place.
Outside, Soundwave was becoming more and more confused at the situation. How was it that some of his allies were dying so quickly? He saw their vitals drop off instantaneously, while others just lost their signal. He turned and he even saw Black Shadow and Ambulon both drop dead in an instant.
“What the scrap is goin’ on here?”, cried out Rumble. Soundwave could only muster out a single response.
“UNKNOWN.”
Back in the throne room, Megatron’s fury had reached its peak. Makima still stood unharmed no matter what he threw at her; this could no longer stand. “ENOUGH!”, he cried out. “You have left me no choice, Control Devil.” Within himself, he called upon his most dangerous power: anti-matter. He cried out in a great fury as he unleashed the deadly stream of energy from his body, unleashing it with all its might upon her. Surely nothing could survive even this, right?
An explosion of great power occurred. Within seconds, Makima vanished into nothing.
Her loyal followers seemed in shock. Makima was dead? No, this couldn’t be. Megatron finally let out a sigh, weary from his wounds and seeing he was on the verge of falling apart. But he didn’t care; he had finally won. He turned towards Vader and said, his voice weary from the fight, “I told you… her Empire would crumble.”
But Vader sensed this was not the end. And indeed, just mere seconds later, Makima regenerated, her atoms stitching themselves back together as she returned to life, no less worse for wear than before. All the while, some poor sap in Japan got atomized into oblivion.
Megatron’s emotions finally got the better of him. He gasped, shocked that she survived even that. “HOW?! HOW COULD YOU –”
“You really don’t know, do you? Nothing can bring harm to me, Lord Megatron.” She let off another smirk. “But you?” She signaled her men to move in. “You’re obviously well past your lifetime. It’s time to be put down."
All Soundwave could hear from the other side of the room was an intense scream, unlike any he ever heard. He rushed up in desperation, trying to see what happened to his master. Soon, the other surviving Decepticons approached him.
“DECEPTICONS, REPORT.”
But there was nothing. Not a word from any of them. All he saw was that their optics were blank, as if someone had wiped their memory banks completely.
“WHAT IS GOING ON? ”
He looked at them further, trying to analyze what happened to them. But before he could conduct his research, he saw the looming shadow of Megatron. Out of instinct, he quickly bowed, as did his cassettes. He looked up at his master, hoping for an explanation.
Instead, the greyed-out, bullet-hole, laser-hole, lightsaber cut, chainsaw-cut ridden body of what was once Megatron collapsed onto the ground, landing with such a mighty crunch, it smashed the Decepticon’s chestplate further.
And then, he saw her…
Makima gazed upon the Spymaster, her minions eagerly standing next to their Empress with pride – all except Walter, Jesse, Light and Misa, who were just huddled in a corner. Behind them, more brainwashed Decepticons and lifeless corpses of minor victims. Well, almost all victims, as Starscream was still cowering behind the throne. His own jaw dropped as he witnessed the massacre.
“She did it…”, he mumbled to himself. “She…she actually did it…” An expression of horror appeared over his face; Makima had managed to accomplish what he could not, and kill Megatron. Out of fear for his own safety, he tried to sneak away while none of the Empire was looking.
Makima then twisted her head behind her, like a horror villain of old, then threw out one of her chains into Starscream’s head. Within seconds, he fell victim to her control. As the Seeker walked over to Makima, his mind now under her control, she spotted Soundwave as the last of the faction got up. In her amusement, she remarked, “So, it seems I missed one of you dogs, after all.”
Soundwave, through his machine monotone, questioned the Control Devil. “QUERY: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO LORD MEGATRON? ”
“What's it look like, toaster boy?,” uttered Plankton. “We just smashed him into microns!”
Chiming in with a hint of glee in her voice, Karen said, “Target proved difficult to destroy. Post-mortem analysis: got totally rekt. All thanks to your knowledge of his weak points, Planky-poo.”
Feeling proud of himself, Plankton responded, “Hey, I went to college, how else do you think I'd apply the useless stuff I learned there?”
“Ha! You think you ’ve got that covered, Sheldon?” teased Dr. Eggman. “I’ve been building these things for a living so I’ve had this nailed for years!”
“INITIATING TOTAL OBEDIENCE AND ASSIMILATION PROTOCOL ON ENEMY MECHANICAL LIFEFORM. ALL HAIL MAKIMA.” There was Chainsaw Consultant again, rattling his usual spiel. Plankton rolled his eye, wondering if Makima would let him reprogram the doofus.
Feeling gleeful in her victory, Misa decided to chime in. “If Kira worships Makima, then I do too! All hail Makim—”
Light covered his cohort’s mouth with his hand. Misa blushed, delighted that Light decided to touch her, but he gave seemingly little care. Instead, he glared at her and commanded her “Learn to shut your mouth.”
Makima, ignoring Misa’s banter with Light, confronted Soundwave directly. “The all powerful Decepticon Leader was more of a match than I anticipated, but even he proved he could be housebroken. And his little dogs all proved just as easy to break. Now that just leaves you, Spymaster. Bow before your new Empress. That's an order.”
“NEGATIVE. MY ALLEGIANCE IS ALWAYS TO LORD MEGATRON.”
There’s always one stubborn holdout, she thought to herself. “Who said you have a choice?”
Makima deployed one of her chains and shot it into Soundwave's head. As if right on cue, Walter pointed his gas cannon at the Spymaster and fired the Cybertronian nerve gas at him to dull his senses. Soundwave struggled valiantly, proving resistant to her efforts, as his loyalties to Megatron and his vast network of information kept him from succumbing. But she tired of his games very quickly; she came all this way for an army, and had no intention of walking away without one of its most valuable assets.
“It seems this one refuses to know his superior when he sees one, just like his master.” She turned to Lord Vader, smiling with that dissonant look as she ordered him, “Do as you will with his pups.”
“Yes, my mistress.” The Dark Lord then ignited his lightsaber, charging at Rumble and Frenzy. Laserbeak and Ravage moved to try and get away from the Sith, but he used a Force Pull to bring them down and closer to his weapon. Chainsaw Consultant then joined in, his own chainsaws revving up to deal untold amounts of damage, yelling “YOU'RE FIRED YOU'RE FIRED YOU'RE FIRED YOU'RE FIRED YOU'RE FIRED YOU'RE FIRED YOU'RE FIRED YOU'RE—”
Rumble panicked. “Hey, what gives?” He could barely muster up the strength to run, struggling to break free from Vader's Force Grip. Hydreigon then lunged at Rumble, gripping him in all three of his mouths and chomping down on his metal chassis.
Frenzy scrambled in desperation. “Keep away! Keep a–” Before he could do anything, Vader sliced off his arm with a lightsaber. He screamed in agony, his cries of pain being like the worst kind of music Soundwave could hear. Worse still, he could see Ravage and Laserbeak howling and screeching as Chainsaw Consultant revved his blades deep into their circuits. No Autobot torment could compare to this – to Soundwave, they were more than just his minions; they were like his own children. Every instinct inside of him burned with anger as he struggled to try and reach them, while Makima dug her chains deeper and deeper to force him under her control.
Makima’s smile faded. Her frustrations with his resistance were growing more apparent, as she growled at the spymaster. “I told you to comply. Now either submit, or your pups will be put down. That's an order.”
Soundwave continued to struggle. He piled in more and more data, but Makima was getting through to him, as he watched helplessly while his cassettes were further brutalized. And considering what they did to Megatron…
“ SOUNDWAVE... SU... WOO...SUPERI... WOO.. ”
No. This couldn’t be the end. He wouldn’t let the cause die in vain. In desperation, he reached deep into his subsystems to access a new file he’d been storing; a file he had hoped to employ on all the Autobots and drive them to insanity. But in this case, it was his only hope. He deployed his speaker system, stared directly into Makima’s eyes, and uttered out a boast he hoped the Control Devil would never forget.
“SOUNDWAVE SUPERIOR. MAKIMA: INFERIOR.”
Then, the most awful and familiar sound began to play…
“Twinkle, twinkle, little star! How I wonder what you are!”
Those present soon recognized that awful singing as belonging to Barney. But why the hell would Soundwave be playing that godawful purple... thing’s rendition of an iconic children’s song? Some of the Imperials looked at one another with confusion. “What, is he gonna destroy us with bad music? What a moron,” a befuddled Plankton mockingly spurted out.
But within seconds, Plankton realized he should have kept his mouth shut. Somehow, Barney’s music emitted a sound that screeched like no other beast had before. Its mere echo unleashed one of the most ear-splitting noises, driving all present to pain. Even Makima found that the immunity she normally enjoyed from her Devil Contract did not protect her from… this. She quickly fell on her knees, covering her ears as the other Imperials tried to protect themselves. The noise also caused Walt’s cancer to act up again, as he suffered an intense ringing in his ears and screamed as he collapsed to the ground, clutching his head in unimaginable pain. Jesse took off his visor and smoked a blunt, attempting to dull the pain as he grabbed the unconscious Heisenberg to bring him back on board the shuttle. Hydreigon roared erratically in agony, while Dr. Eggman fully deployed the canopy of his Egg Mobile to try and block out the noise -- to no avail.
“What Devilrei doth this unholai music be?!” shouted the Witchfinder General, his body still comically injured from Skywarp’s shoving down those flights of stairs. “It must be exarcoised, at once!”
With the Imperials momentarily dazed, Soundwave quickly rushed for Frenzy, Rumble, Ravage, and Laserbreak. Grasping them in his arms, he and that awful music ran out of the room. Makima quickly recovered, and, though still dazed, pointed at her newly brainwashed minions to pursue Soundwave. Karen then helped scrape the splattered Plankton off his machine while the Constructicons combined into Devastator, attempting to use their giant hand to seize the sole one of their ranks to avoid capture.
Moving at lightning speed, Soundwave ducked into a vent, his cassettes still in hand, desperately trying to evade capture. The Reflector clones duck in to follow after him, forcing Soundwave to shoot at his former comrades. Dr. Eggman then followed suit in his Egg Mobile, pursuing the Spymaster. With pinpoint precision, Soundwave took out a portion of the ceiling to collapse it on them, in the hopes that perhaps it would block off pursuers from this avenue. That way he would have a better chance of escape…
He exited the docks, weighing his options. He could try to make a break for the Space Bridge, maybe contact Shockwave and try to get reinforcements. No, that wouldn’t work; Makima would just brainwash whoever he sent. And he couldn’t necessarily trust that Shockwave wouldn’t take advantage of the situation either.
But he knew that there was a resistance against Makima brewing. Someone he had hoped he could have punished for a great sin, though now, it seemed he would be his only hope.
Soundwave ducked into a corner to avoid detection from Dirge, who was vigilantly searching for the spymaster. Worse still, he was blocking the only route to the airlock! And there was no other paths to the other ones that he could get to without being spotted.
Still, Soundwave knew what he had to do. Using his built-in communications equipment, he hacked into one of the broadcasting systems. He then altered his vocal modulator to transmit a different voice, changing from the deep, monotonous voice he’s known for to that of the echoing boom of Astrotrain.
“Astrotrain to all Decepticons! The traitor’s been spotted in the South Wing!”
The false broadcast fooled Dirge, as the Conehead quickly ran to investigate. With no time to spare, Soundwave opened the airlock and swam away like lightning. Aiming for the surface, he was unaware that the redheaded mermaid from earlier was watching the commotion, as she too looked on with curiosity. Perhaps there was something darker brewing from within that ship than she thought, but decided that such a commotion was too great a risk to investigate. She would instead turn to a small tropical fish, and gesture to him. “We need to go find my father,” she uttered as she and the fish swam back to wherever they called home.
Meanwhile, Soundwave finally breached the surface. He quickly emerged from the seas and took to the shoreline, rushing into a nearby cave in case the other Decepticons pursued him. He knew they would; Makima wouldn’t chance him getting away like this. He had to keep moving, but he had to check on his charges first.
He put the four cassettes down, checking over their injuries. Frenzy was writhing in pain from his lost arm, and both Ravage and Laserbeak were cut all over. Despite having parts of his chassis bitten off, Rumble wasn’t in too bad a shape, thankfully, but still…if Soundwave could, he would go back and make Makima suffer for hurting them. Alas, it was a fool's errand to pursue her.
Worse still, he knew deep within his spark that Megatron was dead – something he almost couldn’t believe if he hadn’t seen it with his own optics. The fact that it was her, a mere human (or close to it), that brought him down where Optimus Prime had failed was enough to make him afraid. And now his allies in the cause were but her puppets.
But he couldn’t stay and think about what had happened. He had to get the cassettes to safety. With a heavy sigh, he activated a frequency he had hoped he wouldn’t have to use. He recalled his memory files of the transmission he picked up between Makima and Light, where she discussed Beast Megatron and Hades forming an alliance. Initially, he thought it would be wise to use this against the false pretender who dared to lay claim to the glorious name of Megatron. But now, it was his only hope.
He turned on the frequency, uttering, “SOUNDWAVE TO UNDERWORLD. REQUESTING PERMISSION TO ENTER.” With the transmission made, he hoped that his call would be answered.
Shortly thereafter, it did. A flaming portal to the Underworld appeared before him. Without hesitation, he picked up his cassettes again and ran inside to the safety of Tartarus.
As he emerged on the other side, he soon saw the very face of what he had dreaded the most: Beast Megatron, standing with a sharp grin on his face. Next to him stood Hades, while in a nearby wrestling ring, Scott Steiner was beating the crap out of Barney, much to Pain and Panic’s chagrin. He spotted some witch, an inky blue nobleman, and some walking star watching the whole thing.
The Predacon Leader looked down towards Soundwave, impressed that the Spymaster was now in his midst. Even though Soundwave dwarfed him in size once upon a time, given that the Predacon/Maximal upgrade had made them smaller to the Autobots and Decepticons, the merging of the worlds had made both factions equal in scale. It didn’t make Soundwave any more happy to be dwarfed by him, but it did make Beast Megatron somewhat gleeful.
“Ah, the Spymaster,” said Beast Megatron. “To what, or whom, do I owe this unexpected visit?”
Soundwave went straight to the point. “SITUATION: DIRE. DECEPTICONS ARMIES, DECIMATED. GALACTIC EMPIRE: VICTORIOUS.”
“Hold it, hold it!” spoke Hades. “Whaddya mean “victorious”, music boy? You tellin’ me Makima went after you tin cans?”
Soundwave nodded. “AFFIRMATIVE. MEGATRON: DESTROYED. CASSETTES, INJURED. AID: REQUIRED.”
All Beast Megatron could do with this news…was laugh. He let out a hearty bellow, mocking in Soundwave’s losses. “So, my own namesake, slaughtered by Makima. HAHAHAHAHAHA! How pitiful for you, Spymaster. And I trust that you’re only here because we are your last chance of avenging your fallen comrades? Oh, the irony is so delicious, yeeeeeeeeees!”
He wanted to shoot Beast Megatron for those remarks. He couldn’t stand seeing his master slandered, especially in death. But he couldn’t now. He needed allies. He just stood there in silence, letting the pretender have his say.
But no doubt Beast Megatron picked up on this. “Ha ha ha ha! So, what was that again about me being a "pretender"?” He let Soundwave seethe for a minute, then said, “Well, I suppose I do require someone of your talents on our little Neo Legion of Doom. All I ask is that you bow.”
Soundwave let out a heavy electronic sigh. He didn’t want to. But he knew that for the sake of his cause, he had no choice. Slowly, he kneeled before the Predacon, much to his amusement. Beast Megatron let out a tenacious grin. “Excellent. Now, let us provide you with the vengeance you desire, Soundwave.”
Hades chimed in. “Start spillin’ everythin’ you saw dealin’ with that red headed mashugana. And don’t spare any details!”
Soundwave got up, preparing to deliver his report, while in the background, Starwalker got in the ring and let Barney get Frankensteined on his head, causing the purple dinosaur to get cleaved in half. Pain and Panic screamed out in fury, all unaware that the Neo Legion of Doom now had amongst them the one true Decepticon loyalist amongst their ranks.
They would be avenged.
The Decepticons would rise again.
Notes:
Decided to have a little fun with Soundwave's section. While the Transformers are G1-inspired (it's mostly Chris' thing and the idea I have is that they lean towards their IDW designs for that modern flair), I threw in some cameos of "G1-ified" Decepticons from other continuities, combining them with their G1 namesakes. So we have G1 Blitzwing taking on elements of Animated Blitzwing, for example. Also Movie Barricade and Blackout (whose G1 incarnations are just Micromasters). --Wyvu
Chapter 12: Side Story 1: A Dark Knight's Tale Chapter 1: Out Of Their League
Chapter Text
Gotham City. You'd never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy on Earth, and that often goes without saying. Deep beneath its soils, cursed by the evils of an ancient wizard buried within, a rot had existed for as long as anyone could remember. Compared to any other place on Earth, supervillains tended to come out of the woodwork all too easily, threats happened on an almost-daily basis, and crime and corruption were blatantly rampant. What little good the city did have was often lost in the sea of evil, and hope was in short supply.
But every time a light shone up the sky, showing a bat within its borders, hope reigned eternally. For none offered that hope better than the Dark Knight of Gotham.
Little knew who he was or where he came from – fewer still had actually seen him in person. Everything about this Batman was shrouded in mystery, but they knew he was real. Each night, when the sun fell, Gotham’s shadows became a dangerous place for those who aimed to bring harm to the innocent. So the criminal element stuck to the light as close as they could, feeling that nothing could touch them.
In the end, they would find that his reach was never just in the shadows.
This one-man warrior on crime would become the scourge of mobsters, gangsters, and supervillains everywhere. Most of the traditional mobs had died out, lost in the sea of beings with actual powers, and what few remained were trying to stay out of the way. These days, it wasn’t all that uncommon for Gotham to be covered in plants, or ice, or riddles, or laughing gas, depending on which lunatic broke out of Arkham Asylum that day. It was so common an occurrence, it was considered a lucky break if there wasn’t a supervillain attack for at least three days.
But for Bruce Wayne, the concern he had wasn’t about Joker or Penguin or Two-Face – these days, his mind was on a much bigger target.
Sitting in the comfort of the Batcave, his fortified sanctuary from underneath Wayne Manor, Bruce sat studying the data he had gathered on Light Yagami, going over every note he made trying to connect all the dots in his head. It was a pretty simple profile: a school student from Tokyo in possession of a mystical artifact and with a very bad case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and sociopathy. It wasn’t anything outside his comfort zone, since he’d dealt with folks like this before. It was what this person was capable of that worried him.
It was only a few days ago that the Tokyo Police contacted Bruce for help in dealing with Kira, the mysterious serial killer that was building a cult following around his murder victims. Perhaps it was a desperation tactic that had to bring in the famed “World’s Greatest Detective” on the case, but it was also a necessary one. At nearly every turn, outside of this mysterious fellow detective “L” that had been pursuing him, Kira had outsmarted them all, or worse, killed their numbers.
The investigation started off slow. With aid from Wally West, he found no evidence of obvious foul play – no weapons, no chemical agents, no poisons, no technology. So with that, it meant the impossible was involved. Magic, or more specifically, the weapons of the gods. Information gathered by Zatanna determined that the weapon in question was a Death Note, the book used by the Shinigami of Japan to write down the names of those they wished to take the lives of and would instantly lead to their demise.
Then there was the matter of the person in question. The fact these targets were only related in cases to Kira suggested it had to be someone local who got this Death Note, which only narrowed it down to the 14.18 million people living in Tokyo at the time. Still not enough to go on, but it was obvious that the person in question was trying to hide in plain sight, well above suspicion. So Batman turned to the ordinary, eliminating CEOs, businessmen, law enforcement, or anyone in a position of power. Then it was a matter of reducing the scope by income, class, and even educational level. Whoever was doing it not only had to be someone ordinary, but it had to be someone smart.
That’s when he figured out it was Light Yagami.
He shadowed him, watching his every move. He studied his movements, his facial patterns, his interactions, anything to tip him off. Light did a good job at hiding who he was – almost as good as Batman hid the fact he was really Bruce Wayne. But Light gave himself away almost too well. In public, he was too ordinary, not standing out from the crowd in any meaningful way. He made it a point not to be noticed. That, combined with his erratic movements and his extremely high educational scores, confirmed that he and Kira were one and the same.
Batman had to play this smart, cover his tracks. He knew that Death Note was the end if his name was written on it. But he also knew Light was even more clever than he was capable of, and suspected he’d solved the riddle of who lies beneath the cowl. It’s why Batman decided to throw Light into the ultimate trap that fateful day in Tokyo. He knew exposing that Light was Kira would destroy his entire operation, but cracking that nut open was too risky, not in the least because some of his more zealous followers were likely to inflict greater amounts of violence in retaliation for someone daring to bring harm to their leader. He’d been seeing that all too often in Gotham and around the world with others in power.
But he also knew that Light didn’t have enough time to crack everyone’s identities. Once he figured out Bruce Wayne and Batman were one in the same, he’d no doubt use the Death Note to end him, at which point a signal tied to Bruce’s heartbeat would trigger. There, all the information he had on Kira would go straight to the Justice League, who would swoop in and dismantle Light’s operation with minimal casualties. There were enough magic users to find counters to the Death Note, and Light was smart, but not smart enough to take on an entirely superpowered army.
Batman's convictions proved to be true, as Light had indeed deduced his identity. "Bruce Wayne". "Bruce Wayne". "Bruce Wayne". Many times Light had tried to end the Dark Knight by writing down his true name in the eldritch notebook, but to both of their surprise, he didn’t die. To Bruce's even bigger surprise, he saw Light, his right hand Misa Amane, and even Ryuk, the Shinigami he identified as being responsible for giving him the Death Note in the first place (with his own sinister grin reminding him too much of Joker), all accepting an offer to join Makima’s Neo Galactic Empire. Which either meant the Death Note was now in the Empress' hands…or it just didn’t work like it advertised.
The more pressing matter was now about the Control Devil. Ever since she took over from Palpatine, things hadn’t been easy. The League had been forced to fight fires on too many fronts trying to calm the public down, and even the famed Green Lantern Corps were hesitant to get involved knowing the risk of Makima getting her hands on one of their rings.
For now, he had to handle this alone. Or at least, with those he could trust beyond reproach.
As he sat in his chair, his cowl off his face, the footsteps of polished shoes were heard as Alfred Pennyworth, his ever faithful and loyal butler, walked into the computer platform with a dinner tray in hand. Given his penchant for sarcasm, Batman expected it to be empty with another clap at his own habit of not eating anything.
“It would seem Mister Yagami’s hobbies are in rather poor taste these days, sir,” quipped Alfred. “I suppose video games are not amongst his interests?”
Serious as ever, Batman responded. “Only if you consider his “game” is the total domination of everyone, with him as a god.” Showing a psychological profile of Light, Alfred didn’t seem all that amused that someone of his age was playing a dangerous game with one of the most dangerous weapons in the universe. “The only good news is, his toy may not be working like it used to.”
“And how do you reckon that, Master Bruce?”
Batman made a mild scoff. “I’m still standing here, aren’t I?”
Alfred responded dryly. “Frankly sir, some nights I often wonder…”
Batman couldn’t help but smile a little bit. Even though he was never one to show affection that often, Alfred was probably the only person who could coax a little bit of laughter out of him. He supposed that it was only fair, since Alfred went out of his way to not only raise him after the murder of his parents, but to support Bruce in his own crimefighting efforts. It made Batman wonder how Alfred put up with him after all these years.
Still, there was work to be done. Light was still on the loose, and with Makima backing him, it just made his job that much harder. Taking him down, even with the League’s help, could turn the entire job into a bloodbath. That was a risk he couldn’t take. For now, he was going to have to use a much smaller circle with folks he knew would take the risk.
Walking up to the cave was Batman’s oldest ally in the crimefighting circuit, Dick Grayson, aka Nightwing. His trademark smile was still flashing, ever the charmer and performer he was when Bruce met him all those years ago. He’d lost his parents to crime too, so Bruce took him in, teaching him the means to become his own man and not walk down the same path. As Batman and Robin, they were unstoppable. But in time, Dick grew tired of what Bruce was becoming, and they parted ways on bad terms. Dick then went on to become his own man, ditching the Robin identity to become Nightwing, protecting the nearby city of Bludhaven from its own equally problematic crime wave. It would be some time before the two saw eye to eye, but now, there was no one else he trusted more to step up.
Maybe it was the fact that Dick didn’t see things as grimly as he did. Or how Dick managed to find a balance between his life and his duties more so than Bruce ever could, since he himself threw everything he had into being Batman almost all the time. Sure, Bruce still ran his company to ensure nobody tarnished his family’s legacy, and to ensure he fought crime on two fronts, but he seemed to be in the cowl more often than not.
But Dick wasn’t alone. Rolling up in a wheelchair was his other oldest ally, Barbara Gordon, aka Oracle. Many years ago, she used to be Batgirl, fighting crime since her own father, Commissioner James Gordon, refused to let her join the police force. Even though he figured Jim had put two and two together and knew Barbara was fighting behind the cowl, Batman humored the girl, training her as he was taught so he could at least ease his conscience and ensure his friend’s daughter was safe. And she loved it. Every minute she was out there, she was doing something good, and it felt like the best moments of her life.
So when the Joker showed up at her door one day and shot her in the spine, it changed everything.
He was only there for her father; he didn’t have to shoot her. He just did it to, in his own words, “prove a point”, and drive the tortured Jim Gordon to insanity. But Jim didn’t break, refusing to let himself become a monster. And the clown didn’t break Barbara either. She turned to her true superpower: her brain, and became Oracle. Behind the scenes, she worked with Black Canary and Huntress to help protect other parts of the city as the Birds of Prey. She even saw fit to make sure the next Batgirl who put on the cowl was taken care of.
In some small way, Batman was grateful they were there. They were his allies since the beginning, and he knew they’d get the job done. He gazed upon his former partners, seeing how they’d grown. Nightwing just folded his arms, clad in that skintight black spandex with both of his escrima sticks sticking on his back. He knew that Batman was too stubborn to say anything, but he can read his old partner like a book. Meanwhile, Oracle was just in jeans and a grey t-shirt emblemized with her old Batgirl logo, enjoying the comforts of being a stay-at-home superhero, though still in great shape thanks to the frequent workouts she implements for her upper body.
Batman turned to his partners, his usual stern voice still in place. “Thank you both for coming. I know it’s a busier night than usual, but this couldn’t wait.”
Nightwing just let out a chuckle. “Hey, knowing you, it had to be something big.”
Batman used a remote control to activate the file on the Batcomputer, detailing everything about Light he found. “Light Yagami, age 22. Student at To-Oh University in Tokyo, Japan. And, unbeknownst to the public, the serial killer known only as Kira.” He pulls up a list of the various victims he’s claimed. “135,412 estimated victims, all of whom died under mysterious circumstances. Each one just dropped dead like someone switched off the life within them. All thanks to this.” He shows a picture of the Death Note. “It’s called a “Death Note”. Any name you jot down in it, the person who has that name dies in an instant.”
Magic users. Typical. Oracle and Nightwing both had seen enough of that in their lifetime. Oracle chimed in. “No wonder the police had a hard time tracking this guy down. Anytime one of them got close–”
“Bye, bye police,” spoke Nightwing.
“Precisely,” said Batman. “And worst of all, our friend has a serious god complex. Anyone he deems is a committer of great injustice, he can just jot down and name, and they’d die without even knowing what hit them.”
“Tsk, typical supervillain.” Nightwing just shook his head. “Once they get the power, they think they’re untouchable.”
“And he almost wasn’t until today.” Batman then showed the footage of Light being recruited by Makima. “I was within striking distance of bringing him in, then Makima showed up and wanted him recruited to her little Empire.”
Oracle let out a sigh. “Seems to be a recurring theme around here. Once one bad guy gets it in their head to try something of a cosmically grand scheme, she has to invite everyone else to join in.” She pulls open her laptop and pulls up some Imperial schematics. “In any case, right after word broke, I hacked into the Imperial networks before Makima could shore up their defenses (not very hard, considering they haven’t updated their firewalls in who knows how long). There’s certainly a lot of information Palpatine wanted hidden from her in case something happened to him.”
Batman was impressed Oracle had thought ahead. He taught her well. “How long will it take to crack it?”
Oracle replied, “Too long. The way this data’s coded, it will take at least a week to get through the first layer. Longer than that to make any sense of it. The big one’s something titled “Project Necromancer.” Looks like that was Palpatine’s golden goose. I’ve already contacted Mister Terrific for help in getting this cracked faster.”
Nightwing remarked, “That still doesn’t tell us how to deal with our college-aged killer. That Death Note of his isn’t leaving his pocket anytime soon.”
Batman continued on with his own presentation. “That’s the thing, Dick. It may not be his ultimate weapon anymore.”
Nightwing seemed confused. “Okay…but didn’t you just say he could kill anyone with that?”
“I did,” replied the Dark Knight. “But I’m still here.”
Oracle and Nightwing look at Bruce in complete shock. The former asked, “Hold on, he used it on you ? How are you even still alive?”
Alfred, offering up another sly comment to ease the tension, said, “I believe most of Master Bruce’s internet followers would say, “He’s Batman,” or something to that effect.”
The two did snicker a little bit. Alfred seemed to have that way with people.
Moving on from Alfred’s joke, Batman continued. “Or more likely that given we happen to exist in the same spatial-temporal plane of existence, his Death Note lost a lot of its power.”
Nightwing then realized that Batman mentioned Light used the Death Note on Bruce (or tried to anyway). “Wait, if he used it on you, does that mean he knows?”
Batman nodded. “Unfortunately. That’s why I had you both come here. The situation in finally stopping him is…complex to say the least.”
“Indeed it is, sir,” spoke Alfred. “Which is why I trust that you have some sort of plan in motion to handle this matter as delicately as possible?”
“Unfortunately,” said Oracle, “Delicate isn't a word that I’d use. From what I’ve studied about Kira, he’s got himself too many followers. If he exposes you, they’d come reigning down on Wayne Manor before you could even get out the door – and that’s just the least of our worries.”
Nightwing chimed in, “But, you also have the problem about exposing him. Even if you do put his secret out to the world, the fact Makima’s protecting him means he’s untouchable. Exposing him means she’ll rain fire down on Gotham in his name just to pay you back.”
“Which is why we’re taking this fight from the shadows,” responded Batman. “We both know that spilling our secrets will end in total bloodshed for either side, either scenario risking Light’s plans for godhood being thwarted. I expose him, Gotham dies, the world retaliates in the extreme, and he loses. He exposes me, I expose him, the same scenario happens. If we want to stop him, we have to strike quietly; just enough that we undermine his own ambitions, or at the very least his relationship with Makima.”
Nightwing seemed impressed by the idea. “Yeah, cause we all know Makima’s not too keen on anyone she thinks stabbed her in the back. So either he gets dog-collared, or she throws him to his fate. Either way, it gets him out of our hair and costs her an ally.”
Oracle had to remind him, “That’s only the best case scenario. If this goes wrong, we could be putting a big target on Gotham’s back.”
Batman knew this would be the case, but he had to remain committed to the idea. “It’s a big risk, but one that we have to take. If Makima isn’t stopped, everyone pays the price. In the end, she’ll target Gotham just because she can; a twisted reminder that she’ll enforce total control. Or worse, there may not be a Gotham left when she’s done…”
Nightwing just let out another one of his trademark smirks. “So, what are we waiting for? Let’s shine some Light on this situation.” Oracle facepalmed at Dick making such an obvious joke, but he just chuckled, knowing it was obligatory. Somewhere in the back of his head, Batman was glad he didn’t ask the League to help with this just yet, otherwise he would have heard Wally cracking that joke.
Even so, he had his team. He had his allies. And with Robin and Batgirl safeguarding Gotham while he took care of this, he knew that things were in good hands while he handled one of his most dangerous missions yet. And this was coming from someone who stared down against Darkseid himself.
With things set in place, Batman pulled up psychological profiles for Makima, Vader, and Light. Anyone else who’d join with her Empire, he’d watch over them too. He was going to break them from the inside without so much as lifting a finger. And if Makima decided to play dirty, he’d make sure he’d hit her right where it hurts.
Alfred spoke up with a suggestion of his own. “Sir, if Miss Makima seems determined to get her hands on that Chainsaw Creature residing inside young Master Denji, might it not be prudent to start there? Playing off her obsession could help instigate divide amongst the upper echelons of the Empire.”
Batman just sat back down at his chair and started typing up some information. “Only if we have to fall back on that option. He’s been through enough.” His voice wavered slightly, knowing all too well what it was like to have been deprived of a happy childhood. “I had a different plan in mind.” He then showed schematics for the Imperial Shipyards on Kuat.
Behind him, Nightwing and Oracle both smiled, knowing what Batman had in mind. The information broker then said, “Sending hyperspace coordinates, planetary defense system schematics, and troop deployment rosters to the Rebel Alliance Fleet now.”
It was a small start. But for now, it would have to do. There was only one thought in Batman’s mind now.
Your move, Makima.
Chapter 13: Mankind's Superior
Chapter Text
The town of South Park, Colorado was…well, not exactly what you’d call the top destination on anyone’s bucket list. And who could blame them? If there was ever a word that would describe what was wrong with this town, it was “everything”. The citizens had little brains and even little moral standards, the kids living in town were developmentally stunted and acted more like drunken college frat boys, and there were enough disasters in town alone that it was considered the pit of this new universe. Sure, people were amused by their antics, but no one in their right mind would want to live there.
Well, besides the people who actually did live there.
In his messy room at what he called “Casa Bonita” (owing to his love of the extravagant Mexican restaurant of that name), Eric Cartman (yes, him again) was dragging himself to bed after a nasty landing from being tossed out of the Darksyde. Fuming that the Neo Legion of Doom wouldn’t even consider him for membership, he just flopped into bed, mumbling under his breath.
“Fucking Barney and that fucking fake Jewish Hades,” he muttered, battered and bruised. “Those assholes wouldn’t know a real hero if it slapped 'em right in the face. I hope Makima fucks their mahm.” He turned over on his side, aching like nobody’s business. “And then I’ll fuck their mahm, haha! Serves ‘em right for not respectin’ mah authoritah.”
He tried to drift off into dreamland, hoping that tonight, he would imagine himself as being the ultimate hero in wiping all those he hated off the face of the Earth. Maybe even with the help of his old friend Cthulhu. But as he closed his eyes, a bright blue light appeared in his room.
“Hiya Carty! Nice digs you got here.”
Startled by the sudden intruder, Eric got up from his bed in a panic. “Ah! Who are yew?!”
The shadowy figure stepped out into the light. “Right, right, where are my manners?” He soon revealed himself as a very familiar face. “Name's Hades, Lord of the Dead, hi, how ya doin'? Anyhoo, let's cut to the chase–”
“Yew can't be the real Hades, ya fucking asshole!” Cartman yelled out before Hades could finish. “There can't be Jews in mah ethnically pure Ancient Greece! I'm gonna—”
Right, as you probably knew, Cartman hated the Jews. And thus, Hades' propensity for peppering his dialogue with Yiddish words (and being based on the very Jewish Jeffrey Katzenberg) was not something that the little fat shit took kindly to. And predictably, before Cartman could finish, Hades pelted him with a fireball, causing him to scream out in pain and cry out to his pampering mother. “OHMAHGOD! OHMAHGOD! MAH ASS IS ON FIRE! MAHHHHHHHHM!!! MEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHMMMM!!!”
Mercifully (very mercifully), Pain and Panic then put him out with a fire extinguisher, leaving him covered in fire retardant. He stopped for a second to catch his breath as Hades leaned in towards the little schlemiel.
“Eesh, and I thought Jamie could get bad about this.” he snarked regarding his similarly aligned voice actor. “Now, you gonna keep interruptin’ me, or do I have ta give ya another lesson in fire safety?”
Not wanting to go through that again, Cartman quickly nodded. He noticed his mom never responded to his call, so no doubt she wouldn’t come running up if he cried out again.
Hades continued. “Anyhoo, the reason I’m here is cause us real bad guys don't like your brand of evil runnin' around, hence why you and your politically incorrect schtick wound up on a one-way flight. But frankly, getting you to change is like tryin to get Atlas to stop holdin' up the world, amiright? So, here's the deal, shortstack: you shut your little gob and stop makin' us proper evil doers have to go out of our way to make your life miserable every time you start going full Caligula on anyone you don't like, I'll see to it that you get a new best pal who will do whatever you want!”
Cartman just sat there all confused. First, they rejected him, now they wanted to give him a gift? This had to be some sort of trick, right? Well, it was a gift of sorts, if you want to call it that. Curious about this new friend of his, Cartman asked, “Is he—”
“Before you use any of that oh-so-colorful language of yours,” interrupted Hades, “No, he's not...any of that horrendously long list of slurs you were gonna describe. Matter of fact, I'd say this new best friend of yours is one of a kind!”
“I was gonna ask if he was anything like Cthulhu,” responded Cartman. “Can I use him to—”
Knowing what Cartman was gonna ask, Hades says. “Yes, yes, you can use him on anything you want. Anything. Just take the deal, keep out of our hair, and I'll go, 'k?”
Not concerned by the fact that Hades was offering him a deal, Cartman, pondering how he could use this new "friend" as a patsy for whatever hate crimes he intended to commit, reached out his hand. “Alright! You got a deal!”
“Finally, thank you!” Hades sayid with somewhat of a relief in his voice, shaking Cartman’s hand. “I'll just go get the little bugger.” Rushing over to the door to Cartman’s room, he opened it and shouts, “Oh, big guy? Come meet your new friend!”
Unaware of what was to come next, Cartman clasped his hands together while he thought of the most nasty things he was capable of doing now. “Finally! Now I have someone who can finally end the lives of all the—”
But suddenly, Cartman's excitement at finally having someone to do his bidding and kill everyone he hated quickly devolved into a sense of dread and horror when he saw his new "friend": a familiar purple face entered the room as Hades grinned with a sadistic glee, knowing he just suckered Cartman like the little fool that he is.
“Oh, and one other thing? No give backsies. Have fun, you two!” He then opened a portal to the Underworld as Pain and Panic let out a big sigh, knowing what was coming next.
“Hello to my new best friend!”, shouted Barney as he approached Cartman.
All Cartman could do was scream, “WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-” before the big doofus grabbed him in a big hug. The muffled rage could be heard from the little snot as Cartman desperately tried to break free, angry that he’d been tricked like that. He saw Hades laughing his butt off, seeing the little turd unable to do a thing but beg. Pain and Panic were just terrified – not because of Barney, but because they knew what Hades was planning to do with him.
“HAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, man, this is great stuff!” Hades said, barely maintaining his composure. “I just–I just can’t believe YOU of all people’d be dumb enough to fall for the old Barney scam! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Kid, you’re a million laughs when you’re gettin’ your due, and trust me when I say this is only the first round of what’s in store!”
All he could hear from Cartman was just more angry muffles, no doubt some sort of swear word or derogatory slur against Jewish folks. Barney was really putting the squeeze on this kid. The big doofus exclaimed “Best friends always give great hugs!” as Cartman’s bones were starting to break and he screamed "GET OFF ME YOU BITCH-ASS DILDOSAUR!"
Hades laughed out a tear when he turned to his minions. “Okay–okay, that’s enough–that’s enough for one day. We gotta get this present wrapped for pick number 3. Get the glue.” Yes, Hades didn't just present his torture minion to Cartman just for the hell of it, though he would have had every reason to -- he had something bigger in mind.
Pain and Panic hesitated. “Uh, sir?” said Pain. “We’ve been kinda thinking it over and…well–”
“We don’t think it’s a good idea to use… him as the wrapping. It uh…it just doesn’t seem the right choice for colors!” a nervous Panic exclaimed. Using Barney as wrapping? What could the Lord of the Dead have possibly had up his billowing sleeve?
Hades just rolled his eyes at the two imps. He know what they were trying to pull. “Oh, so it’s “Question the Boss’s Plan Day” today, is it? Cause, uh, last I checked–”
As he’s done so many times before, Hades flares up into a fury.
“--I OWN YOU!”
He lit Pain and Panic up in an explosion, taking a chunk of Cartman’s room along with it, leaving the two imps completely singed as Hades went on. “We are carryin’ out this plan whether you two have a conscientious objection to it or not! Now give him the glue NOW!”
Not wanting to risk Hades' wrath any further, Pain and Panic groaned and rushed over with a giant tub of Krazy Glue, struggling to carry it as it weighed just about as much as Barney himself. The two toppled over and slammed the thing onto the floor. Exhausted, Panic said, “Hey, Barney! We got something for you!” Pain just sighed and added, “This is gonna end badly.”
Barney turned around and saw the giant tub. His less-then-nonexistent brain "knew" what that meant. “Yay! We’re doing arts and crafts!” With the dinosaur’s attention grabbed, Pain and Panic twisted off the lid, at which point Barney excitedly let Cartman go, dropping him in the glue without a care in the world. Hades continued to bellow out laughter as Cartman screamed bloody murder.
“YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKER! YOU FUCKING TRICKED ME! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS GLUE, I’M GONNA FU–” his words were cut off as Barney started dipping paper inside the giant tub. Where he got the paper from, nobody knew.
“If we’re gonna make something fun, we need lots of glue!”, Barney said as he kept dipping his paper in the vat. In his carelessness, he kept hitting Cartman in the face with it, somehow giving him repeated papercuts (probably just because he was Barney and everything hated him), made worse by the glue in his face stinging said cuts. Barney then became even more careless and got the paper stuck on Cartman’s face. “Oops! We can’t make arts and crafts out of ourselves!” He then grabbed the still-sticky Cartman and pulled him out of the tub, the glue continuing to harden. Wanting to fix his little oopsie, Barney tore the paper off Cartman’s face, leaving it raw and bleeding even more as the little snot continued to scream.
“MAAAAAHHHHHHMMMMMMM!!!” Yet again his cries for help were ignored. Hades was starting to wonder if he should grab Leanne too…
The defeated Pain and Panic walked over, waiting for the inevitable. “So,” asked Pain, “When he’s gonna show up?”
Hades pulled out his sundial and says, “In about three, two one–”
Barney’s body then started to mesh in with the glue, his purple self turning into a sticky substance that hardened itself all over Cartman’s body. Within seconds, the boy was completely trapped and encased in Barney glue, his mouth covered by what used to be Barney’s face. Of course, who else was there but a certain walking star?
“Get sticky'd pleb”
Clapping his hands at Starwalker’s work (while Pain and Panic both sighed knowing they had another mess to clean up again), Hades exclaimed, “Beautiful! Just beautiful! ”Every once in a while, that star can shine! Thanks for wrapping this Christmas present, Starry!”
The original Starwalker could only muster out a single “Meh”.
Hades once again turned to his minions. “See boys, that’s why I’m the brains of the outfit. Now grab the little gunsel and let’s head back to the old Underworld. Now that we got our bargaining chip, I think our next guy’s gonna sign up without hesitation…”
As he let out a sinister smile while Pain and Panic dragged Cartman back to Tartarus, elsewhere in the world, there was nothing left but untold devastation.
Many years ago, it was once known as Genosha. It was supposed to be a paradise. Instead, it became a graveyard.
Everywhere one looked, buildings had crumbled from a battle long ago, the remains of the giant, mutant-hunting Sentinels were scattered around, and the rats were gnawing on what remained of the corpses yet to be found. Life here was miserable. Yet for many, this was all they had to call home.
Across the island, hundreds of mutants were in the process of trying to clean up the debris and rebuild their once great nation. It was not an easy process by any stretch, but for these souls, they had no choice; no one else wanted them.
For reasons that cannot be fathomed, in a world with superpowered beings, there still existed a hatred against those born with powers – Mutants, as they were so called – and everywhere they went, all they faced was intolerance. It wasn’t enough for humans to hate those amongst themselves that were different, be they of a different skin color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or even if they had a physical or developmental challenge. No, they had to hate other beings who were born with these powers, and would go to any lengths to see them exterminated. And Genosha was proof of that.
It was the last thing that, atop a grand spire that stood as one of the few remaining structures left, Magneto wanted to think about.
He stood atop a balcony, watching his followers work, analyzing what still had to be done. And it was in the midst of all this destruction that his mind thought back to all those events that led him here.
He had seen the worst of humanity firsthand when he was a child, when his country was invaded by the Nazis during World War II. For the “crime” of being Jewish, his entire family was sent to Auschwitz. He alone survived that despicable place, left with nothing in this world. All he wanted when he escaped was to live in peace. Magda, his first love, offered that.
But it seems fate would continue to be so cruel. When his powers first manifested, how did humanity respond? By burning his home alive, killing his daughter. His act of revenge drove Magda away, leaving him unaware that he had other children for so long.
And then he met Charles.
Professor Charles Xavier was the world’s foremost expert on mutants – and a powerful mutant telepath himself. They met in Israel when he was on a humanitarian mission. It seemed ironic, really; Xavier had everything Magento didn’t. Wealth, elegance, and lacking in the tragedy that had defined his life. But within him, he found a kindred spirit, and perhaps a dream. They had hoped that one day, they could make it so humanity would accept mutants.
Magento soon came to realize that humans would not accept peace. In the times he and Charles spent hunting Nazi loyalists, mutants were targeted more and more for something they had no control over…something that was part of them. No human, no matter how kind, would ever be so willing to count mutants amongst their own people, let alone all of them. So he swore that he would make them accept humanity by force. That day, he and Xavier became enemies, and his friend was bound to a wheelchair by Magneto’s own hand.
Looking out upon Genosha’s sunrise, the golden rays doing nothing to hide the damage inflicted, it made Magento reflect even more on what led them up to this point. Xavier founded his X-Men, consisting of wayward mutants he had given a home and a father figure, teaching them to find ways to protect a world that does not want them. Magneto had his brotherhood, all of whom knew that humans had to be made to bow before homo superior . There was nothing but fighting for years. Nothing changed. Humans still made more weapons of mass destruction, the X-Men swooped in to save the day, the Brotherhood still fought them over and over. It was an endless and vicious cycle – one that even Magneto grew tired of.
So at one point, Genosha came into being. It was hoped that it could be the mutants' new home, and the United Nations was even willing to allow it, provided the Master of Magnetism kept to his side of the fence. Even Charles proved all the more supportive. Loyal to the end , Magneto thought of Xavier. Stubbornness was always his greatest strength …and weakness too. Still, even Magneto had to admit that Charles’ insistence on peace had rubbed off on him a little.
And as always, Charles was proven wrong.
A madwoman named Cassandra Nova, Charles’ own telepathic twin sister, decided to slaughter Genosha using an army of Sentinels simply because she thought it would be fun to get the mutant/human war going again. Not a shred of compassion in that woman, for she laughed in sadistic glee as 16 million mutants died that day. Though she wound up being exiled into a literal void shortly thereafter (thanks to two mutants from Canada), the damage was done. Genosha was now in ruin, and those left were spending everyday picking up the pieces.
But perhaps worst of all, new threats were emerging everyday. Donald Trump's presidential re-election in 2024 inflamed human-mutant tensions in the United States and worldwide, with the president signing hundreds of executive orders drafted by Kansas senator Robert Kelly to strip mutants of their rights, along with many other minority groups -- and it just so happened that Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, the X-Men's "home base" of sorts, could be found in the US. However, this paled in comparison to the threat posed by one of the parties involved in the felon's re-election. Magneto’s own campaign to enact revenge, though standing in opposition to the X-Men, was brought to a standstill when greater threats emerged – and now Makima’s Neo Galactic Empire was one of them.
Even on Genosha, word quickly reached about what she attempted on Sesame Street. And deep in his core, Magneto knew that her genocidal campaign would certainly extend to his kind. She did not tolerate those that could pose a threat to her…
He thought about reaching out to Charles, even in the midst of all this chaos. He knew that Xavier would drop everything to help him, no matter how distant they had become. But he also knew that he wouldn’t stoop to killing the Control Devil. He could almost hear Charles now, trying to plead with Makima to change her ways, reaching into her mind to change her. It amused him a little, knowing that his friend would act so foolishly with honor towards even the worst of enemies.
His thoughts soon became interrupted by a feeling in the magnetic spectrum. The mastery of such a power let him detect anything, but this one was… different, somehow.
“Eh, what's this? Who seeks to challenge the Master of Magnetism?” Without hesitation, he stretched out his arm, calling upon his powers to pull his enemy forward. To his surprise, he winded up grabbing a giant, green-colored robot, buzzing out in panic. Soon, he found Waspinator in his clutches.
“Ohhhhh, Wazzzzzpinator knew this wazzzzz gonna happen.” Unamused by his sardonic attitude, and less amused by having an intruder in his midst, Magneto crushed the Predacon into a cube, then dropped it to the floor. All he could hear was the bug moaning in pain, no doubt recalling when this happened to him before. And then, he heard footsteps from a much larger robot.
“Impressive. You are indeed as powerful as they say, yeeeeeeees.” Out of the shadows, following in his cohort’s footsteps, emerged Beast Megatron, grinning in satisfaction at the mutant’s display of power.
Magneto quickly recognized this new intruder. “The saurian conqueror,” he muttered, no doubt displeased by yet another tyrant stepping upon Genoshan soil. Quickly he moved to grasp the Predacon leader in his clutches, though Beast Megatron seemed unsurprised by this, still maintaining his grin. All this did was further infuriate Magneto.
“I am all too familiar with your attempts at conquest,” Magneto said. “And now you dare to step upon protected soil? These grounds have seen enough violence from beings like you for one lifteime. Tell me why I shouldn't just leave you like your minion — crushed, helpless, and unworthy of being in the presence of homo superior ?”
Gasping for some form of relief, but not letting his visage break its gaze upon the mutant, Beast Megatron uttered out, “Because I... have something you…desire.”
Magneto just chuckled. “No doubt a promise you have no intention of fulfilling. Lesser men than you have made the same mistake.” He just doubled down and kept crushing Beast Megatron like a tin can, but still the saurian did not break his gaze.
Writhing in pain, Beast Megatron said, “And yet…your…precious mutants…are losing out on…a true opportunity.”
Suddenly, Magneto stopped. He had heard beings like Beast Megatron make such tenuous offers before, usually to recruit his powers for some hopeless cause under the promise he could exact his revenge and what not. But it’s rarely, if ever, been in the same conversation as those of his own followers, let alone from someone as devious as the Predacon Leader. Every instinct in his body told him this was some sort of trick, but he had to be sure…
Dropping Beast Megatron to the ground, Magneto said, “Speak quickly.”
Getting up to stand, the Predacon dusted himself off. "I knew that you would be interested." He walked closer to Magneto, his silver tongue continuing to speak. “Let me be clear: I have no more care for mutantkind anymore than I do for organics, nooooooo. But since there is a greater threat arising, I have come across some interesting means of allowing your homo superior to escape this world.”
Now this was something worth hearing. Magneto looked closer to Beast Megatron, asking, “Is that so?”
Grinning from ear to ear, Beast Megatron continued. “Indeed. As you may be aware, the Control Devil has been enacting a total campaign of genocide upon those who will not suit her purpose, as the now-brainwashed Decepticon army can attest to. To deny her victory, I have recently entered an alliance with other like-minded beings who share in my desire for survival. That is why I have turned to you.”
Magneto was far from surprised by this. “Another alliance of conquerors? You do little to pique my interest, saurian. I have already served in such causes far too often, each time ending in an ignominious defeat.”
But it seems that the Predacon was not done. “Ah, but this alliance offers far more than some simple incentive of total universal domination, yeeeeeeees. As we speak, my best scientist is currently working on a means to access something you’ve long since desired – the multiverse.”
Now Magneto was surprised by this news. “So, the rumors are true. What would you know of my desires?”, asked Magneto. “The multiverse is not something one can easily access.”
“And yet,” continued Beast Megatron, “I have Tarantulas. Treacherous to be sure, but I have enough proper…incentive to ensure he will not make a fatal mistake.”
As the two spoke, Tarantulas was tinkering in Hades’ underworld, working on a machine that can access the larger multiverse. Right behind was a giant poster of Barney, reading “For Failures And Traitors: He’s Always Watching” as the spider scientist cackled like a madman.
Back on Genosha, Beast Megatron continued his sales pitch. “Once the machine is fully operational, we can access any world we desire, giving us the ultimate advantage over Makima. I am willing to grant you and your followers a world to call your own, far away from the bigotry and hatred of humanity. All I ask is that you join our cause; provide your powers of magnetism into rendering Makima's resources useless to her, and whatever world you wish will be yours.”
Was this something Magneto could gamble on? A world all to his own and his mutants would indeed be the true paradise he wanted. Heck, if he could find a planet with no humans, it would truly be the age of homo superior . Still, he knew too many conquerors with equally ill-intentions.
Rather than simply walk in blind, he decided to question the true nature of the offer. “Your offer is tempestuous, I will grant you. But I know of your reputation, saurian. If I were to agree to your alliance, what guarantees would I have that mutants will not be forced to pay the price of your betrayal?”
Anticipating this, Beast Megatron said, “If you do not trust me, entrust the one who will ensure exactly what you are promised.”
And just like that, a portal to the Underworld opened out, and out stepped Hades, Pain and Panic (battered and bruised and covered in some purple gunk) right by his side. Following closely behind was Gruntilda Winkybunion, Rouxls Kaard, Soundwave, and the original Starwalker (who naturally walked in very smoothly). Even this alliance was a bit of a surprise to Magneto, having never seen a motley group like this before.
Hades walked up to Magneto and said, “And you know what the best part about bein' me is? I always keep my word, no strings attached. By the way, babe —can I call ya babe? — big fan of your work. Tell ya what! As an added bonus, I'll even throw in a little gift for ya'.” Putting his two fingers in his mouth, he whistled for his minion. "YO, SCOTTY! BRING IN THE LITTLE TURD!"
The still open portal saw a shadowy, hulking figure enter through it as Scott Steiner came in with Eric Cartman, still bound in Barney glue and with a giant black eye that Scott no doubt inflicted on him. He tossed Cartman right before Magneto’s feet, at which point, both of their eyes met in fury. Cartman, screaming out with all his might, but still muffled, had no intention of being in the same room as a Jew. But Magneto, barely raising his voice, recognized Cartman from prior news reports. All those things the boy did…all that hatred within him. He recognized it from his childhood, as boys in his neighborhood, some of whom he once called friends, turned their back on his family and watched them be dragged away to their deaths, saluting the Führer without a hint of irony. And Cartman…he made those children look like saints.
Beast Megatron smiled once again as it was clear his “gift” was working. Magneto turned towards the Neo Legion, his face as calm as ever, but his voice in great rage, as he asked, “And what, pray tell, would this thing have to do with our potential alliance?”
In her rhyming ways, Grunty answered. “This little piggy hates the Jews, but they're just people such as you! If you join our team — oh boy, Fatso here becomes your toy!”
Magneto smiled. It wasn’t too often that he got a chance to torture a bigot like Cartman. But then Scott had to have the last word on the matter.
“THIS LITTLE TURD MAGNET IS A FUCKING SHIT-STAIN WHO HATES EVERYONE, ESEPCIALLY JEWISH FOLKS — AND WE ALL FUCKING HATE THIS FAT LITTLE COLORODAN! WORK WITH US, YOU CAN BEAT THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF MR. "RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH" ALL YOU LIKE!”
Grunty was less than amused. “That’s what I just said, you roided out lunk! Don’t repeat things like that, or I’ll put you in a funk!”
Scott naturally took this as a challenge. “OH YEAH! HOW’S ABOUT YOU DUKE IT OUT WITH ME IN AN IRONMAN MATCH, HUH?! THAT WAY I CAN BEAT THE SHIT RHYMES OUT OF YOU WORSE THAN WHEN YOU GOT TRAPPED UNDER A FUCKING BOULDER!”
Hades interrupted them with a simple “AHEM” as he pointed to the purple goop that was Barney, slyly reminding his allies that if they stepped out of line, he’d send the big doofus to torment them once Pain and Panic got him back together again. Still, as the two villains glared at each other angrily, Magneto seemed all too happy to take up Cartman. He then used his powers of magnetism to lift Cartman up by his small electromagnetic field within his body, then smashed the Barney glue to smithereens. Pain and Panic groaned knowing their work was doubled – then Starwalker walked up and the glue turned to dust and blew away in the wind. Sighing, Pain turned into a vaccuum cleaner while Panic donned a French maid outfit to start the cleaning job as Magneto got to work.
Gesturing to Soundwave, the Spymaster knew what the mutant leader was planning to do. He activated his recording equipment, then hacked into a broadcast satellite. All across the world, the image of Magneto appeared. He then brought Cartman right up to the camera, then grasped his hand tightly.
“Do you know who I am, boy? I was once like you before hatred overcame your mind — young, innocent, and unwilling to see the worst in people. But then tragedy struck my life, as everyone I had ever loved was taken from me by those like you are now — spiteful towards those that are different, unwilling to accept that people do not share their ways.”
Cartman’s body began to wince in extreme pain. Even with his earlier injuries in mind, it paled in comparison to what Magneto is doing; disrupting his electromagnetic field via his powers. Everything in Cartman’s body felt like was turning to liquid.
“For so long, I allowed that pain to fester, reliving it in my nightmares no matter how much I tried to move on from it, no matter how much people tried to convince me that the world was not as intolerant as I had experienced.”
Nausea overcame the boy. He felt like barfing out all of his organs -- and worse.
“And yet you and your kind continued to grow worse, and worse, until you decided that anyone who no longer bore a passing resemblance to you was not worthy of existence.”
Blood ran out of Cartman's eyes. He tried to scream, but Magneto clamped his mouth shut with a piece of metal. Everywhere around the world, Cartman’s torture was seen in full. Heroes and villains alike watch as one of the most despicable beings of his day was reduced to a sobbing wreck, tears streaming down his face along with the blood. CDA agents in Monstropolis gathered a report to deliver to Roz, and even Makima watched from her throne room, amused at the situation while Plankton chowed down on some popcorn and Agent Stone made Austrian goat-milk lattes for everyone.
“Even now, none of you will accept any of your own kind, let alone mutants. That is why I exist: to force bigots like yourself to accept those you despise, and learn that intolerance always pays a price. And for you, Eric Cartman,” he said as the boy let out an extremely painful scream, to the delight of the other villains, “You will be paying that price for your lifetime. Oh yes, for all your claims of superiority, the so-called "inferiors" have bested you in more ways than one and they don't need any powers to do so.”
His moment of torment ended. Magneto stopped disrupting Cartman’s field, but slammed him into the ground as hard as he could. The sound of bones shattering caould be heard as Cartman was knocked unconscious – alive, but out cold. Scott Steiner then let out an angry yell as he punched Cartman’s body right in the head, then dragged his corpse away.
Magneto then turned to the camera for a final remark. “And as for the rest of you, your hateful ways end today. If this is what the worst of you can suffer, imagine what you will experience next.”
The broadcast then ended. Soundwave concluded the recording and nodded. Satisfied by his torment, Magneto turned to Hades. “Very well. You have my aid, so long as you live up to your end of the bargain. But know that what I inflicted upon the child is nothing compared to what I can inflict upon the rest of you next; even gods can be made to bleed.”
Good enough for Hades’ ears, he shook Magneto’s hand to make his deal official. “Deal! Welcome to the club!” He then got an idea. “Say, any chance you can copy that helmet of yours, what with the whole mind control immunity deal?”
“This helmet cannot be so easily duplicated,” remarked Magneto. “But if what you say is true, and the Control Devil bears an army of metal, it shall be no challenge to render her forces useless.”
Grinning now that he secured what he believed was his trump card against Makima, Beast Megatron grinned in satisfaction, stroking his chin. “Excellent. Now come, Master of Magnetism. I believe we can put those powers of yours to good use. Let us see how Makima can handle when her armies are rendered helpless before your power, yeeeeeeeees.”
Now that Magneto’s allegiance was secured, the Neo Legion of Doom enters back into the Underworld, content with their latest gains.
Wait, didn't they forget something?
Yeah, they completely forgot about Pain and Panic, who were still trying to chase down the Barney dust. And a certain Predacon, lying in pain as he remained crushed in a cube. Waspinator cried out for his masters. "Megatron? Megatron? Flame head? Ohhhhhhhh. Why univerzzzzzze hate Wazzzzpinator?"
Meanwhile, deep in the hills of Rochester, New York, the gleaming estate of Professor Charles Xavier loomed tall. The sign reading “Professor Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters” glimmers in the moonlight, awaiting the dawning of a new day to teach new mutants means to help control their gifts.
But below the mansion and in the mission room, the X-Men were watching something else unfold.
In a yellow hoverchair and wearing a green suit, a bald man resembling Patrick Stewart watched as Magneto tormented Cartman on live TV. Professor X was mournful – not because of Cartman being hurt, but because he was watching his friend commit such an atrocity to the whole world. Yes, Cartman absolutely coming, but Xavier knew that his friend was only opening the door to greater retaliation.
When the broadcast ended, he turned to his X-Men, who themselves had mixed feelings on the matter. He saw that Beast, his ever-faithful scientist and scholar, was horrified, though curious as to how Magneto’s powers have grown so much in the last few days. Next to him stood Storm, her eyes lit up in fury. Jubilee, the group’s youngest, was confused, knowing of Cartman’s reputation, yet wondering how Magneto would stoop so low as to hurt a child. Rogue, who had once been a student of the Master of Magnetism, held her head in shame, while her lover Gambit just shuffled a deck of cards, not caring that it was Cartman getting the short end of the stick this time. He could see Cyclops trying to comfort Jean Grey, since he knew that her compassionate nature wouldn’t allow anyone to see hurt.
But the reaction he was most curious about was Wolverine. Standing in the corner, the ever-gruff X-Men, his Hugh Jackman face as stone cold as ever, just puffed on a cigar, his cowl hanging down. Even knowing his student was a cold-hearted killer at times – very rarely hesitating when it came to gunning down enemies – he could sense just as quiet a fury in Wolverine as Magneto had.
Still, Professor X had to say something. Speaking as only a character played by a legendary Shakespearean could, he said, “I fear that we may have just witnessed a true transformation in Magnus. He has always been willing to resort to such extremes before, but now…now I fear this is one path he may never return from.”
Ever gentle in his voice, Beast spoke up. “There may be even greater consequences in store for us, Professor. His actions will no doubt galvanize others who shared in Mister Cartman’s rather unpleasant disposition to take up arms, fearing mutants may target them next.” Indeed, Magneto's actions gave the mutant-hating Republicans in the country more cause to hunt them down and ostracize them from society.
Cyclops tried to speak up in agreement, but Logan beat him to the punch. In his famously gruff voice, he said, “Then let’s not give ‘em a chance.” He put on his cowl, walking out of the room.
“Where are you going?” asked Jean.
“Where else?” replied Logan. “To put out some fires.” And without missing his stride, he walked away. The others looked on as Logan’s motorcycle could be heard revving up, the lone wolf X-Men blazing off into the night. Professor X let out a heavy sigh. He hoped internally that there would be no greater storm that night than what was to inevitably come. And moreover, he hoped Logan wouldn’t further fan the flames.
Storm offered up a comment, sensing the Professor’s worries. “You needn't concern yourself about Wolverine, Professor. I trust he will handle himself accordingly.”
“I pray you are correct, Storm. Because very soon, we may need him and the X-Men more than ever.”
"Aaaaaaaaaand END SCENE!" An immediately recognizable, fourth-wall-breaking mercenary clad in a red mask and bodysuit then popped up in front of the scene as it froze. "So, y'all know that I have one of the oldest Self-Demonstrating pages on TV Tropes, right?" Deadpool asked the audience. "Weeeeeelllll, with the X-Men involved, there's a 99.995% chance I'll get involved later on -- oh wait! You already saw me teabag Purple Nurple's corpse back in Chapter 2, so we can put that 0.005% of doubt to rest. The question is, when do you see the most awesome guy ever get a piece of the action? Don't worry, it'll be coming soon. And it'll be awesome. And I'll get to meet all of your favorite and least favorite fictional characters! Something that the dipshits on TV Tropes decided to stop allowing, for some reason," the Merc with a Mouth added as he glared towards the fourth wall. He then resumed his usual facial expression of wacky, sociopathic joy (which could easily be seen through his mask. "Stay tuned, true believers. We're gonna make Smash Bros. look like a quiet little garden party."
Chapter 14: Side Story 2: The GastCast! Episode 1: Bender
Summary:
The first in a series of podcast episodes hosted by Gaston (and LeFou) as they interview "manly" figures for their right-wing podcast.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Back in Gaston’s favorite tavern in Villeneuve, he and LeFou took seats around the fireplace (decorated with antlers, of course) as his crew began filming. The blend of modern filming equipment and rustic 1700s decor was… something to say the least. The Bimbettes just stood behind the whole time staring at Gaston and fawning. Gaston then directed everyone to start filming.
“Places, everyone! Roll camera in 3… 2… 1…”
The podcast began as a title card appeared on the screen, featuring a flattering picture of Gaston flexing his massive biceps along with a crude crayon drawing of LeFou next to him. Above them was the text “The GastCast with Gaston”, and below that, the crudely scrawled addition of “And LeFou”. The podcast’s theme song then started to play, sung and recorded by LeFou himself:
Noooooo…ooooone…
Yaks like Gaston
No one smacks like Gaston
No one cuts through those unmanly hacks like Gaston!
Yes you young men now have a voice in yours truly!
It’s the GastCast with Gaston!
(And LeFou!)
The scene then transitioned to the two men sitting in front of the fireplace. “Welcome to the inaugural episode of the GastCast!” announced Gaston in his deep, booming voice. “I’m your host, Gaston!”
“And I’m your co-host, LeFou!”
“Say, LeFou,” asked Gaston, “this is our first time doing a podcast. How do you feel about it?”
A clearly nervous LeFou sputtered out a response. “E-e-e-excited and energized as ever, big guy!”
Gaston pumped his arm. “Ha-ha! That’s the kind of energy I like to see! Now, our first-ever guest is a really special one. He’s a quirky fellow, an alcohol-powered automaton from thousands of years in the future. Please welcome… Bender Bending Rodriguez!”
A silver, boxy cartoon robot strutted into the room and started posing. “WOO! Thank you! Thank you everyone! Bite my shiny metal ass, ‘cuz Bender is IN THE HOUSE!” Bender then sat down on another armchair.
“So, Bender, tell us a little about yourself and what brings you here,” said Gaston.
“Well,” replied Bender, “I was built by MomCorp in Mexico in the year 2996 but I didn’t have a backup unit, so they left me for defective. They wanted to destroy me but this one guy, Hermes Conrad, decided not to and just let me go, I then did my job as a bending unit, bendin’ girders all day and not seeing any greater purpose in life. Oh, and drinkin’ booze, cuz we robots run on the stuff. But then–”
“Ah, ah, ah!” interrupted Gaston. “I said a little! We still need time to talk about my childhood! You see, when I was a lad, my mom told me I was–”
“‘Little’ my ass!” angrily interrupted Bender. “I knew you were a ragin’ egomaniac who’s just been wanting to use this podcast to boast about yourself!”
“Well, aren’t you, too?” asked Gaston. “That’s why I invited you onto the show!”
Bender sighed. “Why don’t we change the subject? Like… what kind of beer we like?”
Gaston perked up. “Yes, I LOVE beer! LeFou, fetch us two pitchers!”
“Comin’ right up, sir!” replied LeFou as he approached the bar counter.
Gaston continued. “You’re about to taste the finest ale in all of France. A wicked concoction that makes grown men like me cry with its creamy head and immaculate taste. It’s why I come back to this tavern every day, besides the fact that people love me!”
Bender looked at the bar with anticipation, then turned back to Gaston. “Well, usually I just settle for Löbrau. ‘Cuz it’s cheap, but it gets the job done. Here, try one!” Bender handed Gaston a bottle of Löbrau.
Gaston opened up the bottle and started to drink, then spat it out. “What IS this swill?!? This is even worse than the stuff I had in Quahog!”
“Hey, hey, I said it was cheap for a reason,” replied Bender. “We robots aren’t as discriminatin' when it comes to taste.”
Gaston shouted at LeFou. “LEFOU! Bring us our palette cleansers!”
LeFou returned to the table and sat two large pitchers of beer down on it. Gaston and Bender both picked up their pitchers and had a toast. “Cheers,” they said in unison as they began to down the alcohol. While Gaston wasn’t looking, Bender extended his free arm and snuck it into Gaston and LeFou’s pockets, snatching their wallets from them as he snickered.
“Oh, HELL yeah!” cried out Bender. “I feel like a proboscis monkey on speed who just had the best orgasm of his entire damn life! HEY! BARTENDER! I’LL HAVE ANOTHER ONE!”
“See! Isn’t it heavenly?” asked Gaston. “Now, we’ll be back after a message from our sponsor.”
The screen changed and was replaced with a cheap CGI render of a purple anthropomorphic fish at a news desk.
“Hello, Bikini Bottom!” said the fish in a stilted, robotic voice. “This is Perch Perkins, your trusted reporter, coming to you live with shocking and disturbing news! Are you tired of missing out on the latest happenings around town? Want to stay ahead of the game when it comes to the juiciest Krabby Patty specials, Jellyfish Field updates, or even gasp the next big boating school scandal? Then tune in to the Bikini Bottom News, where we bring the ocean's top stories straight to YOU! Uh-suh-suh-suh-suh-suh-suhn.” At that point, AI Perch got kicked against the back wall of his studio by an invisible force, but just got up like it was nothing and continued his pitch.
“From breaking news under the sea to exclusive interviews with Bikini Bottom's biggest stars, you can trust us to keep you informed and entertained. Whether it's SpongeBob’s next crazy adventure or Squidward’'s latest art exhibit, we've got it covered! Perch leans in with a wink.” The arti-fish-ally-generated newscaster decidedly didn’t lean in with a wink – he was only reading his stage direction out loud as he merely continued to read his news script.
“Don't be the last fish to know what's happening in our little corner of the sea. Stay up to date with Bikini Bottom News, where we're always 'diving deep' to get the scoop!” AI Perch then delved even further into the concept of reading his actions out loud instead of actually performing them. “The scene fades out as Perch winks again and gives a thumbs up. The viewers are left in a good mood, excited to see the next outrageous newscast from their favorite d-ddddd-d-d-vsvbbbvvvnnnnn…” His voice trailed off as he suffered from another stroke.
TheGastCast returned as Gaston and LeFou looked on in utter befuddlement as Bender continued to guzzle his beer. “What the hell was that?!?” spouted Gaston in shock.
“Oh, that’s one of them AI shows,” Bender replied. “Artificial intelligence. Kinda like what I got, bein’ a machine and all”
“Artifi-whaaaaa?” asked LeFou.
“Lemme put it this way,” replied Bender. “It’s a way to make art for people who hate art.”
“Hmmm,” replied Gaston. “I hate art, but I have lots of dreams I’d love to translate into pictures! Bender, you said you have A-I, so wanna show me how it’s done?”
“Hell yeah!” replied Bender. He pulled out an electronic canvas and started painting at high speed with digital paint, using a “paintbrush” from within his chest cavity. The robot then showed off his new masterpiece, a pretty nice (by AI’s low standards, anyway, since at least the AI in question was sentient) painting of himself as Emperor of the Universe with fembots groveling at his feet and all of them on a pedestal that was crushing various Matt Groening-styled humans under its weight. The painting then began to speak.
“Remember me!” said the painted Bender as he then shot flames from his eyes. “Remember me!” the Bender effigy repeated, followed by another lick of flame. This continued over and over again. “Remember me! (brffffffftttttttt) Remember me! (brffffffftttttttt) ”
“Wow, it’s like magic!” Gaston exclaimed, clearly in awe. “Is there a way for me to try?”
“Yep, here ya go.” Bender erased the canvas and grabbed LeFou’s phone, resisting every urge to just swipe it from him. He plugged it into the canvas and opened up a website, then handed the phone to Gaston.
“Let’s see here…” Gaston typed in a prompt and then sent it to the canvas. After a couple minutes where they all made small talk, Gaston’s masterpiece came to life. “Look at this, LeFou! These magic chocolate bars can make art just by writing what you desire!”
A horrifying, AI-generated shirtless effigy of Gaston appeared on the canvas, combining his 1991 animated incarnation with his 2017 live-action one, with three arms and seven fingers. His pecs were all wrong and looked like they had been smooshed out of shape like Play-Doh. At his feet were equally distorted renditions of Belle and Makima, along with many other AI-generated women in the background, some of which had extra limbs or facial features and others of which were melting and merging into each other.
LeFou winced. “Huh…guess that’s a thing. Eh, honestly if this was done by a human, I’d ask the guy who painted that for your money back.”
“Still, you can’t deny that it’s magnificent!” replied Gaston, ogling the painting. “Imagine that, LeFou! All these beautiful women groveling at my feet. Women need to know their place in society! Forget all that nonsense about them reading, or having jobs, or being anywhere outside the kitchen – we manly men know what’s up!”
“Yeah, I agree that women need to know their place,” added Bender. “And men, too! You meatbags have been denying us robots rights for CENTURIES, so I say it’s high time to turn it on its head!”
“...What?!?” asked Gaston and LeFou.
Bender continued. “I say that we robots should KILL ALL HUMANS! (Except for one: Fry.) Or at least enslave ‘em! Dick, pussy, it don’t matter; if it ain’t a bolt or a nut, then sit down, shut the hell up , and obey your robot overlords!”
LeFou then whispered into Gaston’s ear. “Gaston, I think he wants to enslave and/or kill us…”
“You…” snarled Gaston. “How DARE you! We human men are way more than you machines! We deserve to be on top of every hierarchy, every societal structure, every food chain!” Gaston wound up his arm and launched a massive haymaker Bender’s way.
“Oh yeah? Two can play at that game, beefcake!” Bender rolled up his “sleeves” and began to fight Gaston. As a bending robot, Bender was way stronger than he looked, being able to distort gigantic iron bars with ease. The brawl continued until Bender emerged victorious, knocking Gaston and LeFou to the ground and causing the Bimbettes to gasp in shock. The podcast abruptly ended.
“Heh heh heh. Thanks for the moolah, suckers!” Bender pulled Gaston’s and LeFou’s wallets out of his chest compartment and waved them in the air as he made a run for it. “You know what, roid-rage? I think I’m gonna start my own podcast! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the podcast!”“Next time… we better pick someone… who isn’t mechanical…” groaned LeFou, birdies circling his head.
Notes:
Fun little bit of trivia -- at first, the primary guest was gonna be Captain Falcon, but as we were developing the story, Bender kinda stole our hearts. And our wallets. And our other valuables. So we decided he'd be Gaston's first guest instead!
Chapter 15: These Three Guys Walked Into a Warehouse...
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Speaking of forgetting about someone, it seems that the Pokémon franchise’s most infamous trio of idiots were still up to no good. Again.
Far away from the shores of Sinnoh was a place called Hoenn – a generation older than its successor with its own complicated bits and pieces of history. Ancient wars between Legendary Pokémon, mysterious guardians who kept over that piece of lore, a deep-space program, etc. Far different from Sinnoh, but similar in the sense that it still enjoyed itself as the pride of Pokémon contests around the world.
Just outside a warehouse for the DevTech corporation, the massive multi-million dollar company run by the Stone family, a giant billboard advertising that year’s round of contests was seen outside, flickering three chibi-style versions of the region’s three most popular coordinators – May, Lisia, and Serena. The three of them were dancing like cheerleaders, swaying pom-poms with their Pokémon partners as they had big, bright smiles on their faces. Underneath it in the Pokémon world's cryptic written language read, “Meet the Idols! Coming to a town near you!” In the meantime, a newspaper for one of Hoenn’s local papers blew in the wind. Though barely seen, it quickly read on its title, “The Princess Speaks! May Gets Her Voice Back!” Wonder what that could mean…
Anyway, the warehouse. Inside of it, a trio of buffoons -- a redheaded woman in heavy makeup, a purple-haired flamboyant man, and a small cat Pokémon -- were scrambling like mad loons, trying to pick clean what they could as they stuffed their ill-gotten gains inside of a large sack. But their behavior was not that of a clean, precisive gang of thieves like they were known for, since they seemed desperate. Panic struck across their faces while they worked.
“Hurry up, James!” shouted Jessie as she grabbed several circuit boards. “We have to get as much of this as we can before the cops get here!”
James, grabbing some computer monitors, replied, “We shouldn’t have to be worrying about the cops, Jessie! I cut the alarms!”
Grousing to his cohorts, Meowth said, “Forget the alarms! With our luck, one of those twerps’ll be here to put a crimp in our plans any second!” He grabbed himself an armful of graphics cards as he stuffed them in a sack. “Just take the good stuff and hightail it!”
“WOOOBUFFEEEET!” shouted (well, who else?) as the Psychic-type punching bag grasped more computer chips in his big old arms.
Jessie, indignant as always, shouted, “We have to take ALL of this stuff, Meowth! If we don’t get away with every valuable thing here, the boss is toast!”
“As much as I hate to say it, Jessie’s right!” responded James. “Giovanni can’t survive without all this!”
“Yeah, cause da boss can eat computer chips for lunch…”, sarcastically quipped Meowth.
In truth, their panic wasn’t entirely unfounded. Shortly after losing track of Ash and failing to get ahold of Dawn and that slug Pokémon she wandered away with, the Team Rocket Trio tried to contact headquarters for recommendations about their next move.
All they got was the shock of their lives.
To their utter surprise, (and perhaps not to the shock of Matori, who delivered the news), Giovanni was deep in hiding. To their even bigger surprise, the entire world knew that the Viridian City Gym Leader was in fact the infamous leader of Team Rocket, and that he was on the most wanted list of virtually every nation out there. It had been years since he was last seen or heard from, which made little sense to the Trio; they’d only just spoken to him a few days prior, when he returned their previously captured Pokémon to them as part of their efforts to hunt down Ash.
They had no idea (of course) that the merging of the worlds changed the course of history regarding Giovanni. Rather than remaining the enigmatic hidden leader of Team Rocket whom the world was completely unaware of, his history from the world of the games had taken hold – and that he had set his sights on becoming a multiversal conqueror that nearly managed to succeed on Alola and Pasio many times over, had it not been for the heroes standing in his way. But with the added pressure of being wanted by multiple governments (and perhaps even bigger name heroes), he had taken to a private residence far away from any prying eyes, plotting his schemes and leaving his admins to handle the day-to-day operations of the organization.
But the Trio were far from aware of this. In their mind, Giovanni’s disappearance meant that everything they knew and loved was at risk. If someone got him, it’d be the big house for them. Or worse, upon release, they’d have to get actual jobs !
So in what they believed was an act of pure desperation, they hit the DevTech warehouse. Their bags were getting fuller and fuller by the second as they ran around trying to grab virtually everything. One could almost hear their panicked mumbling as they tried to grab anything that wasn’t nailed down.
Within seconds, they’d accomplished just that. Those sacks were now stacked several feet high, stuffed to the brim with their ill-gotten gains.
“Phew, now that should be enough for the boss!”, exclaimed Jessie as she wiped the sweat from her forehead.
James, collapsing on the ground in exhaustion, said, “It’d better be. With all this, he could buy a whole new Team Rocket!”
“Puh-lease!”, said Meowth. “He could do a lot better dan dat!”
“What do you mean?” asked Jessie.
“Picture dis,” Mewoth said as he began a long-lost tradition, imagining Giovanni in one of his infamous “Boss Fantasies”. “Da boss could wake up one mornin’ wantin’ to buy himself somethin’ nice, but he finds that his wallet is empty! He gasps in horror. The feds took all his cash! So he slumps into a depression, sad he longer has any of that hard-stolen money left. But then, he gets an idea!”
In Meowth’s fantasy, Giovanni took the stolen tech and put together a machine. “He uses the tech we stole for him and puts together a machine that makes money from scratch! He can make as much as he wants and buy whatever he wants! And then he’ll say–”
Meowth did his best impression of the boss. “Jessie, James and Meowth have made me happy again. I’ll reward them for their act of kindness by making them new Team Rocket executives!”
As the fantasy ended, the Trio started to cheer in glee. “And with all that money, he’ll give us some too!”, cried out Jessie.
“We’ll be rich beyond our wildest dreams!”, shouted James. “We can have anything we want!”
“WOOOOOOBUUUU!”
Dancing with joy, the Trio then walked up to grab their loot, grasping the sacks with all their might, and…
It didn’t move. Not even an inch.
They tried tugging at it again, their bodies aching as they groaned to get the loot to move, but it proved too heavy. They even tried one of the sacks with all four of them pulling, but it still wouldn’t budge. Eventually, they collapsed from exhaustion, unable to move a single thing.
Moaning, James said, “Suddenly it occurred to me that we never did renew our gym memberships…”
“What gym memberships?”, snarked Jessie. “We were so dirt poor, we couldn’t afford it.”
Meowth let out a heavy sigh. “We shoulda asked if one of these new guys that’ve been poppin’ up woulda helped.”
All three of them exclaimed, “There goes our bonus…”
Bemoaning the fact that they lacked the strength (or the skill) of a certain master thief from Whoville, the warehouse doors opened up to reveal a man in a slick business suit on the other side, along with a giant, metallic Pokémon. The Trio suddenly panicked, as they recognized all too well who was coming to deal with them.
“So, it’s you three,” spoke Steven Stone, Hoenn Champion and heir to the DevTech Corporation. “Haven’t seen you in a good while.”
The trio got up from their funk and tried to confront Steven. “Hey, hands off!”, shouted Meowth. “It’s finders keepers, ya hear?!”
Steven just sighed and smirked. “You must not have read the sign outside. Besides, that technology is going to upgrade the Pokémon Centers, not to sell on the black market.”
Enraged, Jessie cried out, “Well your precious Pokémon Centers are going to have to make do! We saw it first!” She then chucked out her entire team of Pokémon. “Arbok! Seviper! Yanmega! Frillish! Gourgeist! Woobat! Go!”
James was quick to follow suit. “Weezing! Carnivine! Mime Jr.! Amoonguss! Inkay! Morpeko! You too!”
Within seconds, Team Rocket’s entire team of Pokémon was out and about, each of them with an evil stare on their face as they prepared to face the Hoenn Champion. Well, almost all of them, as Mime Jr. just stood impersonating Wobbuffet, and Morpeko was just eating a snack it had found in its Hangry Mode.
The Trio stood firm, not wanting Steven to foil their plot to help the boss. They pointed towards him, commanding their team to attack both him and his partner. Without hesitation, they all charged in (again, excepting Morpeko and Mime Jr.), priming their most powerful attacks.
All Steven did was just shrug. “If that’s how you wanna play it…Metagross, use Bullet Punch!”
Team Rocket’s Pokémon kept charging in when they caught a glimpse of a silver-and-gold colored Metagross approaching them. Suddenly their smug, angry expressions turned to ones of panic.
“METAAAAA!” cried out the living supercomputer.
The Trio could only watch as within seconds, their entire roster fell to a Bullet Punch. Boy did they pick the wrong day for Steven to be in town.
Still, despite their panic, they weren’t going to just walk away. Jessie grabbed Meowth, much to his shock. “Hey, whaddya doin’?”
Jessie just threw Meowth like a professional football player and shouted, “YOU’RE A POKÉMON! GET IN THERE AND USE FURY SWIPES!” And with a heave, she threw the cat right at Metagross. He panicked, knowing he was widely outclassed, but tried his best to throw out his claws and attack.
Not even a scratch. All he got was an intensive glare from Metagross, who looked him dead in the eye and used Psychic. Within seconds, Jessie, James, Wobbuffet, and all the non-Dark Types were lifted up in the air.
Shaking his head with his hands upon his hips, Steven simply pitied the villains. “You never learn, do you? It’s always the same old schemes, same old results. And without a hint of compassion for good causes. But I suppose since you aren’t willing to change…” He pulled out his wrist, revealing his Mega Bracelet. The Trio gulped, knowing full well what was coming next. “--time for history to repeat itself. Metagross, Mega Evolve!”
Seconds later, Metagross was now a giant Mega Metagross, its power levels doubled to such a degree that few could ever hope to face it. Only Ash’s Pikachu had been amongst the few to best it, and the little rodent was nowhere to be found.
“Now, Metagross! Meteor Mash!”
Metagross complied, unleashing an extremely powerful Meteor Mash that made its way towards Team Rocket. The Trio screamed as they braced for the inevitable.
An explosion rocked the warehouse, and Team Rocket and all their Pokémon were sent flying into the sky. Curious onlookers could only hear those familiar words: “LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET’S BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!”
“WOOOBUFFETT!”
And with a twinkle in the sky, they were gone.
Though there was now a giant hole in the ceiling, Steven was just glad that those three were gone. He turned to his partner, who quickly reverted back to his original state, and said, “Come on, buddy. I think we can spare a few hours to reorganize this inventory.” Metagross nodded in solidarity as the two approached the sacks to get everything back in order.
Meanwhile, Team Rocket’s trajectory sent them flying – flying so far away, they flew right into Greece. But it wasn’t the flight that was the worst part, for the impact drove them down, down deep into the ground, far beyond anything they could have imagined. And soon enough, they broke through several cavern floors before something big and purple broke their fall.
Groaning in agony, unaware of what they’d just landed on, they started complaining again.
“Of all the rotten luck,” moaned Jessie, “Why’d a Champion have to be the one to stop us?”
James couldn’t agree more. “Personally, I’d have preferred the honey-haired twerpette.”
“Twerpette, schmerpette,” groaned Meowth, “I woulda taken that brunette’s little brother.”
“Oh boy! New friends!”
The Trio were confused by this sudden voice – and then they looked down.
A scream unlike any other erupted in the underworld. Not even Hitler, in all his torture, made such a horrific sound (and yet Hitler himself, as one of Hades' prisoners, watched on with curiosity). But it was enough of a scream that it woke up Hades, who was trying to sleep and was in his nightcap and slippers.
“WHAT SORTA SCREAM WAS THAT?” he shouted at the top of his lungs. “I told you dumpkovs no tormentin’ when I’m in dreamland, capiche?” He marched over to investigate, grumbling about what was going on. “I swear, if one of you lummoxes left the door open from the happy, doofy section and let all those cute animals into Stalin’s room again, I -–”
To his surprise, he saw the Team Rocket Trio being tightly hugged by Barney, ever as happy as always.
“GET THIS PURPLE DRAGONITE OFF OF US!”, screamed Jessie as she was trying to break free from Barney’s grip.
“WHAT REGION IS THIS?” cried out James. “WHY IS IT PURPLE?! WHERE ARE ITS WINGS?! WHY DOES THIS FEEL LIKE TORTURE?!”
“I DON’T WANNA DIE!” screamed Meowth, who felt like his bones were about to collapse.
Barney saw Hades looking on with some confusion, then said, “Look, Mr. Boss Man! New friends!”
Hades was just dumbfounded about the whole thing. He had no idea what a Dragonite was, let alone how these three wound up in his underworld, but he could tell they were still alive, and that was a big no-no as far as he was concerned.
“Alright, Barns, you had your fun. Now drop those three.” He pulled out a little cookie and held it up. Barney, seeing the snack, complied and dropped the Team Rocket Trio, with all three of them hitting the ground with a thud. Hades then tossed the cookie right at Barney’s mouth, which he happily accepted until he started to choke on it. Hearing Barney choke, Pain and Panic rushed out from their beds and started heimliching him, while Hades walked up to the Trio.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Doofuses One, Two, and Three – aka the worst thieves in history.” He smirked as he pulled open their rap sheet. “Boy do you got quite a list of crimes worth tormentin’ over, including but not limited to: Overstayin’ your welcome, repeated attempts at robbing a bunch of somehow ageless 10 year olds –”
Unamused by this flame-head’s banter, Jessie stood up and screamed, “EXCUSE ME?! WHAT SORT OF PLACE THIS IS?!”
Without skipping a beat, Hades broke into his usual spiel. “Right, right, forgot who I was talkin’ too. Names Hades, Lord of the Dead, hi, how ya doin’?” He reached out his hand without any irony and continued on, “Anyhoo, welcome to the Underworld!”
James, unaware of his comments, tried to counter. “Well you listen closely, “Mister Hades”. Do you have any idea who we are?”
A familiar theme song began to play as the Trio started off their usual motto. Hades just stood there, all the more unamused.
“Prepare for trouble, we’re the worst of the worst!”, shouted Jessie.
“And make it double, cause your bubble just burst!”, followed James.
“To protect the world from devastation!”
“To unite all peoples within our nation!”
“To denounce the evils of truth and love!”
“To extend our reach to the stars above!”
“Jessie!”
“And it’s James!”
“Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!”
“Surrender now or prepare to fight!”
Meowth jumped in to add in his bit. “MEEEOWTH! Dat’s–”
Then it suddenly hit them.
“Wait…” realized Meowth. “Did you say…the underworld?”
Hades, sarcastically clapping at the Trio’s little number, just rolled his eyes while behind him, Pain and Panic were trying to revive Barney with a defibrillator, all unaware that the original Starwalker was making it rain cookies and causing the dinosaur to suffocate even further as he kept swallowing them without a care in the world.
“Uh…you didn’t notice the whole undead vibe I got goin’ here?”
Panic hit the Trio once more. They knew they were bad, but now they were actually in hell. Worse still, they turned and saw Hitler being tortured, screaming out in German. Then they saw James Woods being strapped to another rack. Then they saw Pain and Panic screaming in frustration, marking Barney for dead and giving him a diabetes diagnosis. Then they saw Cookie Monster just standing there, overlooking his own bag of cookies…for some reason.
"Me better be careful when eating cookies from now on", spouted the blue Muppet as Pain and Panic just stood there in confusion, trying to figure out what to do. "Got any insulin?" suggested Pain.
"He's DEAD! Insulin won't work!", shouted Panic.
Just as worried, Pain asks, "Well, how are we supposed to fix him then?"
All Panic could muster up was, "I dunno!"
Ignoring the Muppet’s presence and whatever the heck was going on with Barney, the panicked Trio turned to each other.
“Guys, I think we’re in real trouble here!” said Jessie.
“Better make that double!” said James. “We gotta get out of here!”
Meowth tried to offer up a suggestion. “Forget gettin’ out of here! Let’s grab that purple Dragonite and then we run for it!”
Getting into their circle without notice, Hade said, “Sorry, fellas, but that “Dragonawhatzit” is already on my team.”
Screaming yet again, the Trio quickly backed away as Hades stuck to his stride. “Now don’t you start panickin’; you ain’t dead. At least not let. Sides, since you three yutzes decided to come crashin’ on my side of the fence, I’ve got me some questions about your current line of employment.”
Meowth got incensed. “Now hold up just a minute, flamey! What are you insinuatin’?”
“Oh, nothin’ much,” said Hades, “Just reflectin’ on the fact that you three have been on the same pay rate for 25 years and got nothin’ ta show for it. By the way, how’s old Gio doin’ these days? Hidin’ from the law working out great?”
James stood forth and put his foot down. “Now see here! Nobody insults the boss on our watch! We’ve been nothing but loyal followers to his cause, and we’ll stay loyal until the end!”
“That’s right!”, spoke Jessie. “We’re not interested in working for you or anyone else! It’s Team Rocket all the way!”
“WOOOBBBUUUFFETT!”
Rolling his eyes once more, Hades continued on. “Yeah, like not once snatching one single rodent from Immortus the Spiky has gotten ya anywhere. Sides, don’t know if you’ve been payin’ attention, but with Gio jettin’ off to avoid Federal Prision, and with the fact that Miss Control Freak herself’s been recruitin’ guys left and right for her evil Empire, me and the old Lizard have been on the hunt for some super serious baddies. But then again, seein’ as we have you three schmendricks, I guess I can make an exception.”
“What lizard? What Control Freak?” Jessie shouted as she demanded answers. “What are you talking about?! I WANT OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE!”
“He was referring to me.”
In the shadows, a tall, dark, and sinister figure was seen. They couldn’t make it out, but the Trio suddenly fell silent when they recognized his voice. They’d heard rumors of a new organization that was seeking a Shiny Rayquaza, targeting some kid from Paldea for her pendant along the way, and that their leader sounded an awful lot like David Kaye. Worse still, the rumor mill claimed that these “Explorers” were leagues more competent than them. If Giovanni wasn’t in hiding, they feared he might have reached out to this mysterious “Gibeon” and requested an alliance, making them redundant.
But instead, to both their relief and shock, it was Beast Megatron instead. Better because it wasn’t Gibeon, but worse because he was a giant robot with a T-Rex hand. He let out a grin as he walked towards the fools, saying, “And you have yet to truly witness a nightmare, yeeeeeeeeees.”
As he walked closer to stare upon these new arrivals, others like him followed behind, holding large nets of Pokémon from the Paldea Region. One of them, a cackling mad spider robot, was carrying all sorts of Bug-types, while a pteranodon robot was grasping several Flying-types. The others with him had more and more.
“Look at dat!”, exclaimed Meowth. “Those guys swiped tons of Pokémon!”
An infuriated Jessie exclaimed, “I can’t believe it! They’re honing in on our own turf!”
“Back off from those Pokémon, you!” shouted James. “We’re the only ones who get to steal them!”
The three marched up, only for a red-colored ant robot to aim his weapon at them – and it was burning hot to the touch. He let out a crazed cackle. “HAHAHAHAHA! FOOLS! None may dare to address the rrrroyalty! If it is their wish to steal these creatures, it shall be so!” He was prepared to roast the Trio to a crisp when Beast Megatron pushed his gun down.
“So, you are the infamous Team Rocket,” his bass voice spoke out. “I was wondering if we should ever cross paths.”
“Finally! It’s about time we got some recognition around here!”, said Meowth.
All that did was cause the Predacon leader to laugh, as did his troops. “Oh, your infamy stems not from your skills, nooooooooooooo. Rather, it’s your lack thereof that amuses me. I had hoped to properly dispose of you as the waste of air that you are, but it seems that those plans have now changed.”
“WASTE OF AIR?!?!?!?!?” Jessie was pretty peeved about hearing this. “WE ARE THE MOST SKILLED, COMPETENT, ABSOLUTELY DIABOLICAL THIEVES IN THE UNIVERSE, PAL! YOU DON’T GET TO–”
Before she could finish, Beast Megatron grabbed the Trio and smushed them into a sphere. He then dribbled them around like a basketball before he tossed them into a nearby hoop that Hades had somehow set up. Swishing from half court, he landed a three pointer, causing the Predacons to cheer and start dancing like his own personal set of cheerleaders -- Inferno even brought his own set of pom-poms and was shaking them around. They landed with yet another thud before Beast Megatron approached them again, staring them right in the eye.
“All these years, and you have accomplished nothing. You are but jokes to villainy, yeeeeeeeees. So perhaps it’s of my considerably merciful nature that you arrived here in the hallowed halls of the underworld, with but a simple offer to change your fortunes.”
Groaning out, James asked, “Do we really have much of a choice in this?”
Shaking his head, Beast Megatron responded, “As of this moment, you are now in the service of the Neo Legion of Doom. Your master no longer holds any dominion over you. And I will NOT tolerate fools, yeeeeeees.” He picks them up, then uses his fingers to make them bow. “You are not equals until you have proven your worth to this alliance; instead you shall be minions, carrying out my bidding without question. Dare to cross me, you shall suffer the same fate as the fool.”
He pointed to Barney, whom Pain and Panic were trying to revive by jamming insulin needles into his body. Realizing the deep trouble they were in, Jessie, James, and Meowth turned to one another.
“Well,” said James, “What’s it gonna be, guys? Total subservience, or dying in the literal underworld?”
Jessie scoffed. “Look, let’s just play along with his little game for now. Then when the boss comes out of hiding, we sell them out and let him take over!”
Meowth liked the idea. “Yeah! We’ll make Tyrantrum-Hand-Miraidon-Man into the boss’ new slave!”
The Trio grinned, thinking they had an easy out. Jessie stepped up and says, “Alright! We’re in! Team Rocket works for your little superteam!”
Beast Megatron let out his own devious grin. “Excellent. Then I believe our alliance is secured.” With a quick realization, he then reached into his hammerspace and pulled out two Poké Balls, then gestured to Blackarachnia to open one of the nets. With a single cut, a Tinkaton and a Clodsire fell out. “For your willingness to cooperate, I grant you these two creatures I had recently obtained. They are yours to do with as you wish, but only so long as they act in the service of the Neo Legion of Doom.”
Looking at one another, Jessie and James both wondered which ones to pick. The Tinkaton just he;d up its hammer proudly, while the Clodsire stared at them with a big, goofy look on its face. They grabbed the two Poké Balls and tossed them out, catching the two and adding them to their teams. Though they shrunk due to both parties being full, they nevertheless looked at one another with glee. It wasn’t that often someone just gave them Pokémon.
“Maybe this new gig won’t be so bad after all!”, exclaimed James.
“Yeah!”, responded Jessie. “With these guys on our side, we’ll catch all sorts of powerful new Pokémon!”
“It’s gonna be the ultimate comeback!”, replied Meowth.
All three of them started chanting, “Team Rocket’s gonna be so strong! We’ll be so tough we can’t be wrong!”
Shaking his head at their annoying antics, Beast Megatron walks towards his partner in crime to discuss another matter. “Has Soundwave located their leader?”
Hades nodded. “Snuffed him out five seconds after these schmoes made a hard landing.”
Beast Megatron then grinned. “Good. Those fools may serve a purpose, but they’ll find their little schemes are nothing compared to a true master of manipulation, yeeeeeeees.”
As Soundwave walked up, he showed them a single screen – one where on a secret island mansion, the still-hidden Giovanni was watching the waves upon his balcony, unaware that the Predacon leader now had the ultimate insurance over his minions. And it was but a matter of time before he acted on it…
Notes:
The Neo Legion seems to be growing at quite a pace, isn't it? Well, Magneto and Soundwave both already had self-demonstrating pages to their name -- but the Team Rocket Trio didn't. Surprising as it may seem, those iconic idiots weren't the ones from Pokémon that had pages of their own; it was discussed, but then PurgeGate happened and...well, it was decided it was better to focus on the fic. At one point, we did discuss the idea of adding them in later on, but in order to even things out with both sides' rosters, we had to bring in the Trio. That's why when Dawn's portion was rewritten, we had them cameo until we decided how to include them. Well, this is where we put them! And hopefully soon enough, more heroes and villains from the wonderful world of Pokémon may join. But for now, I think the only thing those three will be good for are partaking in "live" sports. - chris4449
Chapter 16: Ocean Man
Summary:
Roz makes a stop in Bikini Bottom to obtain her next recruits.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The waves of the ocean were now as loud as could possibly be, a gentle breeze rolling through the air. Flowers hovered above in the sky as Roz gazed upon this strange but beautiful landscape. It seemed peaceful, almost serene in its grace as she saw metallic houses made of ship parts poking out of the ground. In the distance, the buzzing of jellyfish could be heard as they made their way towards jellyfish fields. And far off in the distance, she could spot a pineapple right next to a large tiki head and a rock of some sorts, no doubt the residence of the very person she was looking for.
Roz had just entered into the realm of Bikini Bottom, home of the legendary SpongeBob SquarePants – Fry Cook Supreme, child at heart, and one of the surface world’s most legendary meme makers. Since 1999, he’s entertained billions around the world through his boundless enthusiasm and just as memorable gaggle of friends and foes. But most importantly, he’s saved the world plenty of times over, even for someone of his “maturity”.
Still, Bikini Bottom did offer its charms beyond the simple desire of recruiting the sponge; the little town offered some quiet, with little hustle and bustle to be found. Everywhere one looked, various fish were walking about doing their daily jobs, a few cat-like snails could be seen slithering, and boats drove through the city streets. Really, the real action was several miles away in the central city of Atlantica – the merging of worlds having turned this little corner of the ocean into a “sub-mer-burb” of the merfolk hub. Roz was wondering if it would be wise to ask King Triton for aid, but it was best not to drag in a literal sea king if it could be avoided. Makima would no doubt scale up her own power to counter his own. Though there was the matter of his daughter…
“Man, I feel sopping wet!” The groan came from Dawn, who was sulking upon finding that this new part of the world, though somehow granting her the ability to breathe underwater, didn’t offer the luxury of staying nice and dry. Every inch of her was soaked, and even her hair was floating all over the place. The only person who didn’t seem bothered was Piplup, since the Water-type felt right at home in his element.
Roz just looked over at her first recruit and said, “I did warn you this place was pretty strange. Besides, be grateful we can all breathe down here without scuba gear.”
Dawn just let out a heavy sigh. “I would have at least hoped I could have changed into a swimsuit. I haven’t felt this soaked since I fell into Lake Verity while sleepwalking that one time!” She looked over her hair in agony, knowing that these waters had messed up all her morning work. “My hair’s gonna be a mess when we get back…”
Roz just rolled her eyes; she never really did understand why the humans were into styling themselves up so much. Nonetheless, she had to say something to ease Dawn’s mind. “At least our next recruit will make it all the more worthwhile.”
Momentarily distracted from her own hair woes, Dawn questioned who Roz was talking about. “Ya know, you never did say who we were going after next. Who did you have in mind?”
“Someone whose enthusiasm is equally as boundless as yours: Mister SpongeBob SquarePants,” responded Roz.
Dawn gasped in surprise. “SpongeBob? You mean this is his home we’re in?!”
Roz nodded. “Logic doesn’t make much sense around Bikini Bottom, but that’s why we’re here. Makima always underestimated the stupid ones.”
Dawn looked at her, somewhat confused. “But didn’t he save the world once or twice?”
“Yes,” said Roz, “But you have to remember that Mister SquarePants isn’t the most intelligent of sea creatures. Still, Makima lost her life the first time because she underestimated Denji’s own cleverness. And frankly, our sea sponge friend is probably more dangerous to her because of that.”
Something about that somehow made sense to Dawn. She wasn’t all too versed in who or what Makima was outside of what Roz had filled her in, but she did recall that Ash always operated on a similar strategy. He was never the brightest of trainers, but what he lacked in skill, he made up for in pure will and unpredictability. Even Champions, as she just witnessed, failed to account for Ash being able to think outside the box. She just hoped SpongeBob could do the same somehow.
Speaking up on the matter, Dawn said, “You know, coming here, I thought we were gonna get a Water Type Gym Leader like Ash’s friend, Misty, or even Crasher Wake. Still, I bet you SpongeBob would make an amazing addition to…to, uh…” She realized the group never actually put together a name. “What are we calling ourselves again?”
“We’ll worry about naming our team later,” responded Roz. One of her agents handed off some sensitive data to her. “Looks like we’ll have to make our recruitment attempt a little faster than we’d planned. Take a look.”
She ushered Dawn over and showed her and Piplup both the report. Word had spread amongst Roz’s spies that Makima had recruited Chainsaw Consultant, Witchfinder-General, Light, Plankton, and Eggman, and even slaughtered the original Megatron as she did Palpatine, stealing his Decepticons in the process. Worse still, Hades and Beast Megatron had gotten Gruntilda, Soundwave, and Magneto (though unbeknownst to either of them, they didn’t figure out Team Rocket had just joined their ranks) on their side – and this was all within a matter of hours . Both enemy forces were moving fast.
Dawn looked at the kind of foes that both sides had gathered, and was pretty stunned by how quickly they moved. “Oh my gosh! They got that many recruits that quick?!”
Roz nodded and turned to her agents. “Tell our men to find Mister Wilson’s address and prep the door to head there immediately. We’re gonna have to pull that trigger sooner than I anticipated.” The CDA agents complied and rushed back to the door.
“Mister Wilson?” asked Dawn.
Roz replied, “Someone I’d hoped I wouldn't have to bring in so soon. Looks like our “friends” forced us to play catchup, and we’ll need an even bigger wild card than before. But since we’re already here…”
Soon, both the CGI slug and the anime human (and penguin) approached a giant lobster trap that had been converted into a business of some sorts. Outside, the old structure had a big sign on top of it that read “Krusty Krab”. Yes, Roz and Dawn were now outside the finest eating establishment ever established for eating in Bikini Bottom – and the workplace of SpongeBob as the restaurant’s resident fry cook. Boy was he in for a surprise.
Up in his submarine, thinking this time he wouldn’t get interrupted, the French Narrator interjected while the scene moved inside the Krusty Krab. “Mon dieu, it seems our favorite sponge ‘as no idea what he’s in for. But before our strange visitors speak to him, let us see what he’s doing in ze kitchen.”
The galley was full of life as a yellow arm streaked its way across the grill, being sprayed with cleaning solution with pride and passion. "La-da-dee, la-da-doo, la-da-dum! La-da-dee, la-da-doo, la-da-dum-pum-pum-pum!" Singing himself a happy little tune was SpongeBob, working his butt off to take care of his work station with the same amount of pride he put into his Krabby Patties. As he gazed upon the grill, he saw it sheen like a diamond beneath the sun, giving himself a wink and a thumbs up for how beautiful it looked. He then grew out more arms as he went about another cleaning task or three – sweeping the floors, dusting the top of the storage cabinets, changing a burnt out lightbulb, and mopping under the fryers. Yes sir, this one-sponge army was not gonna slack off on the job.
The role of slacker instead fell to a rather bored-looking octopus, who was sitting at the cash register reading a magazine. Said cashier was Squidward Quincy Tentacles, the ever-annoyed neighbor of that yellow cube working in the kitchen behind him, and naturally he found SpongeBob even more annoying than usual. Unlike SpongeBob, Squidward had no lost love for this grease trap; every minute working under that cheapskate boss of his was just another chip of his sanity lost to time. But lucky for him, since Mr. Krabs was more concerned about garnering profits, Squidward could at least milk his shift for all its worth and just loaf around reading his latest copy of “Fancy Art Monthly”. All he could do was sigh, wondering why that wasn’t his work on the cover, little considering that everyone in town had little appreciation for his “art”. Or his attitude. Or just him in general for that matter.
Sighing at his lost hopes and dreams, wondering why Bikini Bottom had such an irrational hatred of him, the relative quiet that Squidward was enjoying was broken only by the sound of another annoyance of his – Patrick Star. The big pink idiot was just gorging on Krabby Patties like usual, apparently on a food binge because of some incident that happened on the surface. A few days ago, he won some tickets to see this big purple doofus named “Barney” or whatever, and dragged SpongeBob along with him, only to return devastated when Barney was murdered by his evil uncle or whatever. While SpongeBob seemed indifferent to Barney’s death, Patrick was so heartbroken, he practically moved into the Krusty Krab and started eating up most of their supply. Krabs was fine with this as long as Patrick kept paying (and surprisingly, he was paying a lot of money to drown his sorrows in that grease). He stayed for so long, Squidward was surprised Krabs didn’t start hawking Patrick as some sort of minor tourist attraction.
Still, Patrick’s binging was more of an annoyance than it was an an amusement, even considering that it was Barney he was mourning. Business had slowed and would probably stay slow until Patrick had his fill and left, leaving Squidward wondering if it was worth having him stick around. On the one hand, no customers meant he could go through his day in peace and keep Patrick away from his neighborhood, but on the other hand, he still had to see Patrick at his job, and work was the only place he could avoid that other doofus.
As usual though, Mr. Krabs had the final say on all the business decisions around here. He scuttled out of his office, a tray of fresh Krabby Patties in hand and his wallet sticking out of his pocket, stuffed to the brim with dollar bills. Squidward just rolled his eyes at how obvious this ploy was; Krabs always did have a back for profiting off other people’s suffering, though most of the time karma would have bitten him in the butt by now. Then again, considering that Patrick was being a big baby by mourning one of the most hated characters on the planet, maybe the universe was feeling a bit more generous to Eugene.
“More Krabby Patties, Patrick me boy?” asked the crustacean, without a hint of irony in his voice. All Patrick could do, tears still streaming down his face, was hand Krabs more money out of his wallet and start gorging down on the latest batch.
Crying his little eyes out, Patrick just said, “WHYYYYYYYY?! WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE?!!!!!!”
At this point, Squidward had enough of Patrick’s whining. He slammed his magazine on the cash register and said, “That’s it!”, marching up to Krabs with a big old huff. “Mr. Krabs, this has gone on long enough! You need to get Patrick and his inelegant blubbering out of here before he cries this place to the ground!”
“Have a heart, Mister Squidward!”, said Krabs. “The lad just went through a traumatizin’ experience! Ya don’t just recover from seein’ someone mauled to death in front of yer eyes!”
Squidward refused to budge and just held up his arms in frustration. “I don’t care if he saw the end of the universe! He’s been sitting there for three days, crying his eyes out, and driving me insane! Besides, no one should be this upset about a stupid purple dinosaur being mauled by another slightly less stupid purple dinosaur!”
His words hitting closer to home, Patrick heard Squidward’s anger and just went back to crying even harder, his tears streaming right onto his food. Krabs just looked at Squidward, disappointment in his eyes, saying “Ye ought ta be ashamed of yourself. If I weren’t yer boss, I’d have beaten ya over the head for a remark like that!”
Squidward just snarked, “No, you would have just taken it out of my paycheck.”
With a big grin on his face, Krabs just said, “That’s the best idea you had all day, Mister Squidward! Argh-argh-argh-argh-argh!” All Squidward could do was just roll his eyes, having expected that from his cheapskate of a boss. Krabs just kept laughing, checking over his profits from Patrick’s binging. No surprise, Squidward saw a lot of cash in there, along with a picture of Krabs with one of his old navy buddies – some guy with a big chin and big old arms smoking a pipe, holding a can of spinach. He looked like one of those surface creatures from what Squidward could make out, but he didn’t question it further.
Soon, there was a knock at the door of the Krusty Krab. Perking up, Krabs heard the rap and saw what he assumed was a scheduled appointment. “Avast! It be the new health inspector!” Scuttling straight to the door, he opened it and saw two strangers in an entirely different animation style than what he was used to. Dawn was just as equally confused as to how Krabs looked so funny, at least from her perspective. Cartoons were cartoons, but seeing it up close and all…
Roz didn’t give her much time to think on it, as she spoke, “Hello, Mr. Krabs. We're here to talk to your fry cook.”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Krabs was quick to try and protect his interests, not recognizing Roz from before when she helped save him from Plankton. He said, “But me Krabby Patties are made with 100% fresh never frozen ingredients, I swear on me life! (But not on me money.)”
“No, Mr. Krabs," the monster secretary replied. "It's not about your fast food, it's about something... much more pressing.”
Breathing a heavy sigh of relief, Mr. Krabs, now confident that his restaurant (and profits) were safe, responded, “All right.” He yelled towards the kitchen, “SpongeBob me boy, someone's at the door for ya!”
Without hesitation, SpongeBob stepped out into the restaurant, his little squeaky shoes making their trademark stepping noise as he walked up to Roz and Dawn. The Pokémon Trainer smiled a little bit, seeing as he was a cute little thing in person, different animation style or not. Even Patrick perked up a little from his depression seeing his buddy out, but neither of them had any idea on who these strangers were.
Being the curious one, SpongeBob was wondering why a strange-looking sea slug was there to talk to him. Unless…well, it didn’t hurt to ask. Out of his mouth came Tom Kenny’s trademark, nasally voice, asking, “Wait, what's the Sea-M-V doing visiting me at work? I have a mailbox, you know.” The little sponge's first thought was that Bikini Bottom's equivalent of the DMV was there to give him trouble about his latest boating misadventures.
The Sea-M-What? Dawn certainly never heard of them. Out of curiosity, she asked the sponge, “Wait, what does the CMV do in general? ”
Before SpongeBob could answer, Roz spoke up. “No, Mr. SquarePants, we're not from the CMV or whatever. I'm from the CDA and we're here to talk to you about something... very important.”
Uh-oh, something important. SpongeBob felt he knew exactly what that meant. Dejectedly, he asks, “Do I need to hand over my boating license again?” Darn it, and he just got it too. He even used it to drive Patrick to see that god-awful show he just went to. Maybe that’s why he was about to lose it.
“No, we need your help... protecting the world .”
The sponge lets out an audible gasp. He had no idea that someone was here to ask for his help – his help! – in saving the world from danger. He’d only done it…wait, how many times now? He quickly counted on his fingers, growing extra to confirm it, but he quickly lost count as he twisted them up in a knot. Untangling himself as quickly as possible, he responds, “Wait, another harrowing high-stakes adventure? I'm not sure if I'm ready for that…”
Not showing one hint of amusement on her face, Roz continued. “Yes, and we've observed how you've saved both your town and the world a few times, so we've decided to give you a visit.”
Dawn stepped in, and with Piplup’s aid, provided a visual performance to try and act out the situation. “Okay, so there's this REALLY evil lady, and she managed to take over the whole galaxy! She went and overthrew the previous Emperor and now she's taken all his armies and his apprentice for herself. She has, like, this HUGE fighting force with soldiers and ships and walking tanks and stuff! And since then, she's also managed to get a few other guys on her side!”
Nodding his head, Piplup let out a chirp to confirm Dawn’s part of the story. But SpongeBob just seemed more confused about the situation, scratching his little spongey head. “Wait, what?! I usually tune out when it comes to politics.”
“Your loss,” snarked Squidward, having wandered back to his station and picked up his magazine for further reading. He really didn’t care what they were doing, especially since it meant he could just keep loafing around.
Dawn continued onward, her passion in trying to sell SpongeBob on the idea reaching as high as she could push it. “These guys are strong. As in, REALLY strong. Giratina decided to join us too, but that's not enough. So we wanted to ask for your help!”
SpongeBob just asked, “What guys?”
Roz showed them the file from the latest reports. “You may not recognize some of them, but they’ve gotten their fair share of bad deeds done over the years.” She starts pointing at them one by one. “Chainsaw Consultant, brainwashed cog from Toontown with a nasty split personality. The Witchfinder General, typical religious extremist sent forward in time from 16th century New England. Light Yagami, a kid with a god complex and wielder of a dangerous killer book. Doctor Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik, genius inventor with his own grand ambitions. And last, but certainly not least, Walter “Heisenberg” White, high school chemist turned high-grade drug dealer and crime lord.”
All SpongeBob could do was blink. “Uh…sorry, but I don’t recognize any of these guys. You sure Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble didn’t join up? I bet you if they did, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy would be happy to join your superhero team!”
Patrick perked up again, commenting on hearing about his favorite heroes. “Oh yeah! Those two are the best! They’d show up, kick some butt, and win! Cause they’re awesome!” He and SpongeBob then both put their fists together, shouting “MERMAID MAN AND BARNACLE BOY…UNITE!” The two started laughing, annoying Squidward even further.
Roz just shook her head as Dawn said, “Well, they seem enthusiastic.”
Squidward just snarked from the register, “Try living with them for 25 years and you’ll see how different you feel!”
Ignoring Squidward’s comment, Roz saves the best for last. “Also, this may be of interest to you... the Control Devil, Makima, recently managed to recruit one Sheldon J. Plankton to her side. He's running engineering alongside Dr. Eggman.”
The name Plankton caused Krabs to stop sniffing his money, gasping in horror. “Plankton! Arrrrrr, that lil' pipsqueak surely can't be cookin' up anything good!” It made Krabs dreadfully frightened. He knew Plankton was desperate to scrounge up any means of stealing the secret formula Krabs had guarded for so long, but he didn’t realize he was that desperate to turn to a literal anime villain to help him get it. Krabs considered calling up his navy buddies to make the Empress couldn't help his arch-nemesis' plans come to fruition...
“That's not all,” continued Roz. “The Predacon leader and the Greek Lord of the Dead are also forming their own alliance to stop Makima and take over the worlds for themselves. So far, they’ve managed to get a powerful youth-stealing witch, one of the deadliest Decepticon spymasters of his time, and even an Omega Level Mutant.” SpongeBob still had no idea who those people were, but Roz kept on talking. “We're always watching everything that goes on in these parts. So that's why we want to ask you, Mr. SquarePants, to help us fight back against Plankton and the others.” She held out her hand and asked, “Deal?”
Without hesitation, SpongeBob grabbed Roz’s hand and shook it vigorously. “Deal! If Plankton's up to something nasty, you can always count on me!” He shook her hand with such vigor that he ended up breaking off his own arm in the process. Giggling at his misfortune, he quickly grew out another arm as he tossed the broken one in the trash, then started shouting “IIIIIIIIII’M REAAAADY! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m –”
Then it hit him. “Oh, wait. I can’t just leave the Krusty Krab unattended! Who will cook the patties while I’m gone?! I couldn’t ask Squidward to do all that work by himself!”
Squidward just mumbled under his breath, “Who even says I want your job…” as he kept staring at his magazine.
Krabs just scuttled over and told his charge, “Don’t you worry none about the kitchen, lad! I’ll just hire on a temporary replacement until ye get back! Sides, there ain’t gonna be a Krusty Krab left standin’ if that one-eyed booger gets his way!”
SpongeBob saluted his boss and said, “Aye-aye, sir!” He turned to Roz and Dawn, then resumed his cheering. “I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready!”
But SpongeBob wasn't the only one ready for adventure. Seemingly forgetting his mournful demeanor from losing his new friend, Barney, Patrick ran over and joined SpongeBob, asking Roz with big old eyes, “Ooh, can I join too? I'm SpongeBob's trusty sidekick!”
Roz wasn’t sure if she should let Patrick join. SpongeBob was pretty naive at times, but the starfish was even dumber than his friend. But then again, if he was that dumb, he could potentially drive Makima up the wall – or better yet, he may have no brain to control! At least assuming Makima couldn’t find a workaround. So Roz just sighed and said, “Yes, Mister Star, you can join.”
Patrick cheered, “Hooray!”, completely forgetting his earlier woes as he and SpongeBob joined hands in solidarity, dancing around like giddy children…or manchildren in this case. To Roz’s dismay, Dawn decided to join in with Piplup, as the four of them started dancing altogether.
“AHEM!” the slug said while clearing her throat. “In case you’ve forgotten, there is still a world to save.” Embarrassingly, Dawn let a sweat drop fall as she put her arm behind her head, while Patrick just stood there all the more confused.
SpongeBob just let out a little chuckle and said, “Haha, right. Squadala! We are off!” And with that, the sponge, the star, the penguin, and the trainer marched out of the Krusty Krab. The beats of “Fight, Fight, Fight!” (or better known to fans of the movie as “Now That We’re Men”) sounded off as the quartet made their way out the doors, followed by Roz just slithering her way, still as stone-faced as ever. Krabs watched the heroes leave while Squidward just kept sitting there at his station, his face still in his magazine.
“Good luck, me boyo.” Krabs did a little salute, respecting the fact that SpongeBob was so willing to risk his life to stop that no-good Plankton. But as soon as they were out of sight…
“Phew! Glad to have those two out of the way!” Squidward could finally get some peace, and he knew they wouldn’t be back for a good while. He let out a hearty laugh. “A-heh-heh-heh-heh-hehn–”
Squidward’s brief moment of peace was soon interrupted, as a young human woman walked into the Krusty Krab, wearing a very wrinkled dress shirt, tie, and pants. She looked very nervous as sweat runs down her face, her cheeks were blush red, and she eyed this strange locale. Neither Squidward nor Krabs recognized where she came from, but she was clearly not with Roz.
“Excuse me,” this young girl asked, “but are you…hiring right now?”
Mr. Krabs scuttled up right to her. “Well, as a matter o’ fact, we’re needin’ a temporary replacement for our current fry cook. You got any experience in fast food?”
The girl, still nervous, replied, “A lot, actually. My name is Kobeni Higashiyama. My devil is…a secret. My hobby is eating tasty things. And my ex-boss is alive and I’d rather not work with her again.”
Quickly, Krabs slapped on an official Krusty Krab hat. “You’re hired!” He shakes her hands with his big, meaty claws and said, “Ya start today! Now, get back to the kitchen and start cookin’ up them Krabby Patties!”
Kobeni breathed a sigh of relief, grateful the interview was over. “Well, guess I’d better get back there.” But as soon as she walked, much like the sponge before her when he first stepped into these hallowed halls, she tripped and bounced all over the restaurant, subject to the toon laws of physics that governed Bikini Bottom. Looks like she hadn’t gotten her sea legs! Eventually, she manages to land flat on her back, moaning in pain as Krabs runs up to check on her. Meanwhile, Squidward just rolled his eyes and went back to his magazine.
“Oh, great,” he mumbled. “She’s just as klutzy as that little annoyance. Sigh…well, let’s hope my Atlantica Philharmonic audition tape passes.”
And unfortunately, it didn't. For over in the actual Atlantica, right at the center of the royal palace, a red crab is going over Squidward’s audition tape, and tossed it right into the mouth of a giant blue sea serpent. He started complaining in a Jamaican accent, “Dat was da wurst ting my ears have ever heard! I get another one of these auditions from dat octopus, I’m goin’ over dere and clawin’ him myself!”
While this crab just scuttled out of the room, the Gyarados spat out the chewed-up audition tape, swimming over to its trainer as it growled in disgust at what Sebastian had fed it. Said trainer swam over, revealing herself to be a red-headed mermaid (no, not that one) with big blue eyes and a red-and-white tail not unlike that of a Goldeen. Silently, she nuzzled her big giant partner on the head, offering it some much-needed scratches for being a big softy underneath that fierceness while she looked on, curious as to what was happening in the throne room.
In the actual throne chambers sat a barrel-chested merman, grasping a trident in his hand while his large, blue tail sat patiently upon the seat. He listened in closely to his visitor – yes, that red-haired mermaid this time, or rather his own daughter. Before King Triton was his youngest child, Ariel, who had just returned from the Nemesis after witnessing Soundwave’s harrowing escape.
Things have certainly been strange for this family since the merger. The seas were now home to other great kingdoms, such as Atlantis and Talokan, and other species of merfolk, humans with aquatic abilities, and even some aquatic defenders like Aquaman, Namor the Sub-Mariner, Aspen Matthews, Lugia the Guardian of the Sea, and even an entire tribe of humans who could command water and bend it to their whims. The oceans were clearly no longer a quiet place for this little community.
But even stranger still was the merger having a much deeper impact on Ariel herself. She was now stuck in mermaid form, her abilities in the magic arts having grown to a surprisingly skillful level, and her recollection of the visits of a boy named Sora a prominent part of her memories – even to the point she considered him one of her dearest friends. Her own daughter, Melody, was likewise a mermaid. Triton wasn’t sure why not even his magic could reverse the changes, but it seemed that this new world had deemed they must remain in these forms; his suspicions held that they were simply more recognizable to the public.
Nevertheless, there were more pressing matters to tend to. The news of what had occurred was troubling to say the least, especially since it happened under his oceans. Triton dared not to incur war with the Decepticons, but now…
“I was worried that the troubles on the surface would eventually reach these waters,” spoke the mighty king, his worries weighing heavily upon his voice. “Still, if these criminals are taking more drastic actions in building their alliances, we have to shore up our defenses.”
Looking upon her father, Ariel nodded and agreed. “There’s a lot of ocean to cover. Maybe there’s something we can use from the royal archives?”
Triton shook his head. “Nothing within those archives can even come close to matching the Control Devil’s power. Why, if she unleashed her fury upon Atlantica, I’d–” He briefly paused, shuddering at the very idea. “It doesn’t matter. Ariel, I think it’s time that we teach Melody an old family tradition. That is, if you think she’s ready.”
Ariel knew exactly what Triton meant, but she hesitated. “Yes, but…Daddy, I’m not sure this is something we want to drag her into. She’s still only a teenager. She’s not incapable, but she’s got a whole life ahead of her. I’d hate to drag her into a war.”
“I know just how you feel,” responded the sea king. “But she’s got her mother’s spirit. That much I’m convinced is enough to give her the strength she needs.”
Ariel let out a slight giggle at her father’s compliment. “Well, if she’s up for it, I’ll start getting her trained. She always did want to embrace her roots.”
Letting off a nod, Triton trusted Ariel to handle this decision. And with that, the mermaid swam off to track down her child. My, how much she’s grown, thought Triton to himself.
Triton then saw Sebastian scuttling up, a disturbed look on his face. “Our octopus friend again, Sebastian?”
The crab sighed. “Dat ain’t music he’s sendin’ me, your majesty! It’s…it’s…well, it’s somethin’, but it ain’t even worth playin’ in deez halls! I’ve heard fancier sounds comin’ out of an escolar!”
Chuckling at seeing Sebastian still so passionate about his music, Triton offered up a supportive ear. “Next time they have one of those talent shows in Bikini Bottom, I think I’ll ask you to conduct the orchestra.” The crab wiped his forehead in relief as Triton continued. “But for the moment, I’ve got a very important task for you in the coming days. Something that involves our family.”
Sebastian shuddered, knowing full well what Triton was referring to. “And here I thought my babysittin’ days were over…”
“Oh, it’s nothing like that, old friend,” Triton said as he had a big smile on his face. “My daughter is the greatest treasure I could have ever been lucky enough to receive. And my granddaughter is the bridge between our world and the surface. Something in these old bones tells me that I may not be so lucky to see them again, so I need you to do me the biggest favor I could ever ask of anyone.”
“And what would that be, your majesty?”
Triton simply said, “Just be there for them. If something happens to me, I want you there by their side no matter what. Think you can do that for an old king?”
Sebastian, ever the loyal friend, bowed and said, “With honor, your majesty.”
Chuckling once more, Triton looked out onto the courtyard to see Ariel talking to Melody about what was to come, while this newcomer and her giant sea serpent swam over to join them. Smiling with pride, he couldn’t help but feel that those two would go on to protect both worlds in the coming days. He looked over his trident, then gazed at his daughter. There would come a time when she commanded its power, and she would be worthy of doing so.
But for now, he was just happy to see his family.
Notes:
This was one of the funnest chapters we got to rewrite, not in the least because everyone on the team is a major SpongeBob fan. Now this is where it gets interesting -- when we rewrote this, I originally had it in mind that Sebsastian tosses Squidward's "audition" into the mouth of a bottom feeder, but Wyvu suggested it be a Gyarados instead. This in turn led to the idea that a certain Tomboyish Mermaid... well, you'll have to see what she's up to in the next chapter. --chris4449
Chapter 17: One Shot #1: The Tomboyish Mermaid!
Summary:
Misty travels to Atlantica in order to get stronger - and discovers how much she's truly changed since her early days.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
This story is devoted to Rachael Lillis (1969-2024), who helped to give Misty her voice and her heart.
Inhale…exhale…
All she could hear was the sound of her own breath, deep within the serene, calm waters of the oceans. In stark contrast to the horrid remains of the Nemesis, this small little spot, bathed by the sun’s rays and surrounded by pristine, clear waters, was but a paradise to the creatures beneath the sea. But for her, this paradise meant something a lot greater.
Sitting on top of a rock, Misty was taking in the depths of the ocean, allowing herself to experience every sight she possibly could. It was still something she was getting used to, being able to breathe underwater like this, but the small discomfort was worth every bit of it. It’s just not quite the way she ever expected to be down here, let alone as an entirely different species.
She took a moment to open her eyes and gaze down at the Goldeen-shaped tail that stood where her legs once were. Never in her life did she ever expect she’d actually be living up to her title of the Tomboyish Mermaid, although as she felt her scales rest on her palms, Misty couldn’t help but note the irony. It amused her enough that she giggled, attracting the attention of her own Goldeen while the little Pokémon was swimming nearby. She too was considerably pleased to have an entire ocean to herself to swim around in, though it did take some getting used to that her trainer was partially as fishy as her.
But all in all, she could see Misty felt pretty happy being in her element, though even the Cerulean Gym Leader being here wasn’t entirely by choice. And it was all because of a certain trainer that she knew from long ago.
Misty took sight of seeing some of her other Pokémon out and about, swimming around with glee. Her mighty Gyarados was taking the opportunity to babysit her little Azurill, one of her younger team members, while her Politoed was clapping along to some dancing fish. Elsewhere, her Corsola was trying to hide from Flounder the tropical fish (and decidedly not a flounder), who was in the process of playing a quick game of hide and seek. Good thing those coral reefs offered a lot of cover for such a Pokémon, making the little game more difficult.
But there was still one empty slot in her party; her search taking her to this part of the world meant she had to leave her precious little Psyduck behind. As much as she adored him, the little guy wasn’t the best at swimming. Okay, he wasn’t the best at floating, so he had to stay at home. Misty let out a small little sigh thinking about him as she laid down, letting the sun’s rays reflect off her scales. Her hair graced the rocks as Misty took the opportunity to reflect on a lifetime that brought her to this point – to this place where she became part of a world she had always loved.
As a child, she couldn't remember much of her parents, who they were, where they went, or why they left, leaving her in the care of her three older sisters. Daisy, Violet, and Lily – or “The Sensational Sisters” as they called themselves – were an accomplished trio of water performers, operating Cerulean City’s Pokémon Gym. They cared about Misty, sure, but they were so full of themselves and their looks, they often acted like airheads to get on her nerves. She was never sure if they were just doing it to rile her up or get her to rise to the challenge of surpassing them, but either way, she wanted to show that she wasn’t just the runt of the litter.
Regardless, the one thing she knew she always loved was the water. Water Type Pokémon of every kind just had that lovable quality, no matter how much people called some of them so ugly. And the water itself was peaceful, calm, serene, but could turn into a fierce tempest they daren’t underestimate lest they sink. So she turned to the water, letting it drive her to improve. She studied everything about Water-type Pokémon, swam as often as she could, and tried her hardest to surpass her sisters. By the time she was old enough to get her Pokémon license at 10, she was granted permission to take on the Cerulean Gym and made its official leader by her sisters (well, mostly, since they just wanted to do their water performances and let her run things for the sake of their craft).
But all that training was never enough. She felt like nobody took her seriously, least of all Daisy, Violet, and Lily. So at one point, she put the gym back in their hands and set out on a journey to prove she had what it took.... and that’s when she met the boy who would change her life. He was an idiot with a very bratty attitude from Pallet Town; some rookie named Ash Ketchum. The moment she met him, she didn’t have a very high opinion of the kid. And then when he not only stole her bike, but flat out destroyed it, she made damn sure he was gonna pay for it. From that day on, she wouldn’t leave his side until Ash made good on his word to replace it. It…well, it wasn’t going to be easy.
She gave him all sorts of grief back then, knocking him down many pegs for nodding off on his training; in response, Ash would just give her attitude when she tried to offer genuine advice to help him, and even mocked her when the opportunity presented itself. For all his talk of wanting to be a Pokémon Master, Misty felt back then that all Ash was doing was talking instead of doing. In her experience as a Gym Leader, Ash had potential; in battle, he could be dangerously unpredictable thanks to his on-the-fly strategies, and the empathy he showed towards every Pokémon and person he came across was astounding. But most of the time, he was bragging about how he was gonna be the greatest trainer in the world when he had little to show for it. Half the badges he earned (including the one from her gym) weren’t out of a genuine victory in a battle, but for doing a morally good deed – that it and of itself made her believe that Ash just got a “pity” badge Misty felt he didn’t actually earn. His most powerful Pokémon at the time was Charizard, and for so long, the big lug refused to listen to Ash out of a severe loss of respect the moment he evolved. And he still wouldn’t pay her back for her lost bike, no matter how many times she brought it up!
And then came the Indigo League. Ash skirted his way through the qualifiers, but the day he made his first match in the Top 16, he lost. Okay, the truth was a bit more complicated than that. He lost because he was kidnapped that day by this pestering group of criminals called Team Rocket, and he was forced to exhaust half his Pokémon just to get away from them. For whatever reason that even she couldn’t remember, nobody postponed the League match to look for him, nor did anyone bother to give him time to rest. And that very day, Charizard once again refused to battle a weaker opponent, so he was disqualified.
That day, she was all content to say Ash was the only one at fault. In her mind, his sole reliance on blind, dumb luck should have been karma biting him in the butt, even when he was moping around for such a hard loss. Heck, she was glad that Ash finally got taught a lesson in humility for the way he acted.
But that day, something changed inside him. And soon, something changed inside her too. Ash started to take his training a lot more seriously, and he started to improve drastically . It wasn’t enough to get him through the Silver Conference, but he was a far different boy than the one she met. And as he grew, so did she. She came to a harsh realization that maybe, she wasn’t the supportive friend he needed; all Misty had been was his harshest critic at his lowest, and instead of trying to positively build him up, she’d let her fierce temper and her desire to prove herself right just keep knocking him down.
Moreover, her time in the Orange Islands and Johto helped her reflect that she really couldn’t call Ash out when she was proving to be just as bad as he was – haughty, egotistical, bad with training specific members of her team, and getting flattened by opponents who were far stronger. In her quest to surpass her sisters, all she did was hold herself back from really getting stronger. So she resolved to find herself at the center of the vast ocean within her soul, and became kinder, more empathetic. Misty could genuinely call Ash a friend, and their near-murderous snarking turned to friendly ribbing (sure, Ash improved, but he could still be an immature idiot at times). By the time they came home, Misty really was feeling something genuine for that boy.
Alas, their journey was not to last forever. Her sisters, in their ever-eternal wisdom, had gotten bored and begged Misty to come home so they could do their performances again. It sucked to be sure, but she recalled she had an obligation to her gym, and reluctantly parted ways with Ash. Sure, every now and then, she’d sneak out and let her sisters run things for a bit so she could travel or go and hang out with Ash and Brock again, but she came to accept that she is in fact the Cerulean Gym Leader – and the best one at that!
A few years would pass, and things would drastically change. Brock finally went off to pursue a doctoral career (though when last she saw him, he wound up throwing that out the window because of yet another pretty skirt), and Ash…well, he managed to become the World Champion by beating Leon. And Misty herself improved practically everything, becoming one of the fiercest gym leaders in Kanto and using her newfound earnings from both her career and her sponsorships from swim meets to turn the gym into the ultimate Water-type facility. She really had earned her nickname of “The Tomboyish Mermaid”; even her sisters had finally started to express pride in her.
Then, a few days ago, everything changed. After Ash parted ways with his old friends one final time, he chose to leave on the ultimate journey to truly become a Pokémon Master. Then, out of the blue, he asked Misty and Brock to meet him at Mount Silver, where he intended to challenge the ultimate legend: Red. And alongside his oldest friends, Ash managed to do the impossible, and bested Red in a narrow victory. He’d earned the respect of the Kanto Champion and Pokémon Master.
But afterwards, Ash disappeared. And this time, he was nowhere to be found.
“Misty? Earth to Misty?”
Misty opened her eyes, having dozed off in her thoughts, and saw there was a blue-eyed, raven-haired girl floating over her. In her daze, she quickly recognized her friend and started to push herself back up.
“Oh, sorry Mel,” said Misty as she stretched her arms. “Guess that sun was a lot more relaxing than I thought.” Melody giggled, knowing all too well what Misty meant, having experienced her fair share of sunray-induced drowsiness herself.
“Honestly, Mist, I think you’ve made yourself more at home here in a few days than I did,” joked Melody. “You keep this up, Grandpa might ask you to move here!” The two then let out a shared laugh.
Misty responded through her giggling, “If he lets me open a gym, I’ll consider it!” The two then laughed even harder, recognizing that if Misty didn’t have her responsibilities back in Cerulean City, she probably would move to Atlantica. But fun and games weren’t always something that heroes could afford, especially not these days.
After finally calming down from their joke, Melody then asked, “But seriously, you holding up ok? I know it’s only been a few days, but–”
Before she could finish, Misty said, “Honestly, it’s still a bit getting used too, but I think it’s worth it. No one ever said getting stronger was gonna be easy.”
Knowing all too well what Misty meant, Melody responded, “Tell me about it. I swear, learning all of mom’s magic secrets has worn me down more than being out in public.” She looked at her own hands, themselves a bit sore from several days worth of training. Ever since Ariel reported on what happened at the Nemesis , Triton felt it was high time Melody had to learn the magic commanded by the royal family. Truthfully, Melody felt very reluctant to do it, since it meant that she had to spend every waking hour trying to master these spells for an all-but-inevitable war against someone (be it Makima or Hades and Beast Megatron’s groups), but she had to do it. She owed her grandfather that much.
Melody herself was born the sole child of Prince Eric of Tirulia, and Princess Ariel of Atlantica, although she didn’t know about her mother’s histories until she turned 12. It wasn’t easy, learning that her mom was from the very undersea kingdom of legends that her own parents kept her from knowing about, but it explained so much. Since she could remember, Melody was always drawn to the ocean, wanting to be a part of it in the same way her mother wanted to be a part of the human world. When a sea witch named Morgana granted her the opportunity to become a mermaid, Melody took it. And for a moment, she was the happiest girl in the sea.
But such time made her learn exactly why her mother hid the truth. Morgana, in fact, was the same sea witch who tried to have her killed when she was a baby, and tricked the poor, desperate preteen, who was yearning to belong and fit in with people, to steal her own grandfather’s trident. And when her mom arrived to look for her, returning to the mermaid form she had left behind, Melody let her temper get the better of her. She gave Morgana the trident, and Morgana in turn let the spell run out, leaving the girl to drown. She was saved by her friends Tip and Dash, thankfully, and helped turn the tide, sending Morgana to an icy tomb. Now that she understood everything, she chose to embrace both sides of her heritage, and destroyed the wall her parents had built that kept the two kingdoms separate. And for a long time, that was really about it.
Once the merger happened, and both she and Ariel were now back under the sea, stuck in their mermaid forms and unable to return to human form in spite of Triton’s magic, their lives would never be the same.
Misty at least understood that. She was only one year older than Melody, so her presence in Atlantica, not in the least from a fellow water enthusiast of a sort, gave her a friend she could talk to. And Misty, here on her own mission, likewise had her fair share of aches and pains as she recounted them. “You think learning spells is hard, try having to basically learn a whole new way to fight underwater! The movements alone gave me aches in places I didn’t even know I had! But it probably would have been helpful when I fought in the Whirl Cup.” Embarrassingly, she lamented how she came so close to winning that competition, only to lose to Trinity – a far more experienced practitioner of underwater combat than Misty at the time. Sure, she’d improved since then, but this new regiment was practically boot camp compared to the stuff she taught herself.
“That reminds me,” Melody asked, “Your uh…Pokémon, right? I’m still trying to figure out how all that works with them, but they’re not like regular sea creatures. What is it about them that makes them so special?”
Joyfully, Misty exclaimed, “Easy! Each Pokémon you meet has its own unique personality. Even if they’re from the same species, no two of them are alike! The trick is to find out what that personality is.” She gestured towards her own Gyarados, who was still as fierce looking as ever, but those days as a tiny little Magikarp weren’t all out of his system, since he swam right up to Misty wanting some cuddles. Melody couldn’t help but be amused at seeing such a fearsome brute acting like a big ol’ softie.
Immediately, Melody cracked another joke. “Maybe Sebastian’s really a Pokémon then too; I got his personality down flat.” She then puckered up her lips and slipped into a false Jamaican accent. “Child, ya can’t go down dere! Da ocean is a dangerous place for a girl like you!” She and Misty both started bawling at how bad the impression was, yet so accurate to the crab, with both of them laughing so hard, they fell back on the rock as they struggled to compose themselves.
“If you really want, I got a spare Poké Ball you can borrow to catch him!” joked Misty. The laughing grew even louder as the two mermaids couldn’t catch their breath. Good thing Sebastian was back home, otherwise he’d be rolling his eyes at them right about now.
Then, the laughter was broken up by a dark shadow swimming overhead. Soon, both Misty and Melody caught a glimpse of a giant, blue-colored submarine, with a giant, shark-shaped fin sticking out the top and bottom. The front of the machine had three massive drills, and the face of a Sharpedo was clearly painted towards the bow. Clearly this thing didn’t look like it belonged in Atlantica. Sharp spotlights blared out the sub, aiming for something. Rather than take the chance that it was aiming for them, Melody grabbed Misty and rolled her down under the rock. The duo hid until the submarine passed far enough, while Misty’s Pokémon (except her Gyarados, which swam off at a distance to avoid attracting suspicion) hid in the seaweed.
Having rarely seen submarines in these parts, Melody asked, “Any idea what that’s doing here?”
“No idea,” responded Misty. “But something about that submarine’s already telling me it’s nothing good.”
Melody recalled Misty’s tales from her journeys and said, “Maybe it’s those Team Rocket goons you told me about!” Boy did she have no idea who those idiots were working under. Probably for the best. If Misty knew they were under the Neo Legion’s thumb, she might actually feel bad for them.
Misty knew right off the bat it wasn’t Team Rocket. “No, that sub’s too obvious. If it was those three, they’d be hiding until the opportunity was–” She then caught something out of the corner of her eye; something on the side of the submarine that looked all too familiar. Something she’d recognize from the news…
She gestured to Melody, “Come on,” as she recalled her team. “We’re gonna go check out that sub. Think you can sneak up on that thing?”
Melody let off a determined grin. “You know me; always the quietest of the family.” She then used her magic powers to summon forth a small little pocket dimension, not unlike the one used by the power batteries of the Green Lantern Corps, and grabbed a custom trident made by Atlantica’s finest smiths. Engraved on its handle was the name “Tidebringer”. Wondering if it could live up to its name, Misty and Melody then swam up with great speed towards the submarine, trying to stay out of the reach of the spotlights. Luckily, such lights were slow moving enough that getting around them wasn’t a problem; getting around them at the speed the submarine was moving without being noticed was the trick.
Speed was indeed on their side, since Misty’s recent training had been helping her to improve her timing drastically on one fin, riding with the currents and helping to push against strong ones with additional strength training under Ariel’s tutelage. Melody then jammed her trident onto the hull to provide more of a grip as she grabbed Misty’s hand, at which point they were able to slip onto the stern and rest. The logo that Misty saw was now in plain view, and she recognized it all too well.
“Team Aqua…” she muttered with a hint of disgust in her voice. It had to be them, today of all days , she thought to herself, as flashbacks overtook her mind, figuring out exactly why they were here.
It was only a few days ago, after Misty defeated another challenger at her gym, that word spread of the Sesame Sieges and Makima’s coup. It was shortly after that when she got word that Ash had gone missing. Her old pen pal from Alola, Lana, had called that Ash was on his way back to his second home – the home in which he became Regional Champion – but never arrived. Heck, he never even made his flight! It was being kept quiet for now, but word would spread that Ash had suddenly vanished.
Of course, nobody knew that Arceus had hid the boy, but Misty and Brock both were understandably worried. They met in Pewter City, Brock’s hometown, and expressed concern that Makima might have snagged Ash for her own plans. From what little they knew about the Control Devil, she was infamous for her abuse of Denji and how much she sought to break his will, and feared she was doing the same to their friend. Those fears only grew worse when word about Beast Megatron and Hades’ Neo Legion spread.
They thought about trying to reach out to a rumored team of heroes, since the scuttlebutt on the internet was that Brock’s old friend from Sinnoh, a Coordinator named Dawn, was one of them. But they came to the conclusion that they had to find Ash first. He was their friend, and they had to get him out. The only thing that ensured he was still alive was that neither team claimed responsibility for his death – yet. Even so, Brock and Misty both realized that they lacked the skill to fight actual supervillains as they were now, so they had to seek out the masters that could help them hone their element.
For Misty, the answers lay in Atlantica. She knew that a God of the Seas held domain, and thathis powers could offer her a means of facing such villains alongside her Pokémon. So she took a boat to the borders, leaving the gym in the hands of her sisters yet again. And that very day, she changed in more ways than one
With only her five partners, leaving the sixth slot open just in case she happened to come across another water type she wanted on her team (hey, gotta be prepared), she donned her old mermaid costume – a piece of her traveling days that, admittedly, was based on her admiration for Ariel when she was younger – just in case Atlantica still had those lingering anti-human sentiments. Wearing a breather, she dove into the seas, and swam down further and further, until she could catch a glimpse of the golden architecture of Atlantica, its buildings gleaming like a gemstone in the moonlight.
But before she could approach the city entrance, out of the corner of her eye, she saw what looked like a rather large whale swimming off in the distance as it ducked into the seaweed. At the time, she just thought it was the bends getting to her, but still…she swam over to take a look. “Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?” she called through the breather. Nothing. Maybe it really was a hallucination.
Then a shadow cast over her, just seconds before she decided to keep going. Before she knew it, she was standing face to face with Kyogre , the legendary Pokémon of the Seas.
It was honestly the most starstruck moment of her life. She’d always wanted to see such a magnificent Water-type Pokémon up close, but she’d never thought it’d be here and now , of all times in all places! Kyogre just stared at her, barely blinking, almost as if it was calling to her somehow. In that moment, Misty felt compelled to touch it, maybe try and reach out and connect. The Sea Basin Pokémon was here for a reason…
The moment her hands laid itself upon the Legendary Pokémon, she was caught up in a blinding flash of light, almost as if a Pokémon Evolution was taking place. But as she looked down, she saw that light was coming from her .
And when it all ended, Kyogre was gone. All that was there was her, and something felt a lot different. She saw her breather had disappeared, and gasped for air instinctively, only to find that the breath she took had no ill effect. She could actually breathe underwater, as gills had formed along her neck! Then she looked down and saw that her mermaid costume had been changed entirely, now being themed to the Goldeen species. Except…except when she reached down, the tail wasn’t a costume; it was actually attached to her!
In that moment, as Misty recalled, a flood of emotions raced through her mind. Panic, anxiety, awe, amazement – she had no idea that Kyogre had unlocked the keys to the Fisher Kingdom, being of the same rules that had once allowed a certain Keyblade Master and his friends to enter these oceans without issue. But Misty knew not of Sora or his adventures in Atlantica. And eventually, she had to get her bearings together to contend with her newfound form later. So she swam (somewhat klutzy at first as she had to get used to her tail actually being…well, a tail instead of a costume) as fast as she could to reach Atlantica.
Back in the present, having put two-and-two together, Misty saw Melody look at her, confused as to exactly who she was referring to. “Team Aqua? You mean they work for Sora’s friend?”
Not recognizing that name, Misty said, “Team Aqua are a bunch of pirates that are trying to flood the world. And they want Kyogre to do it.”
Melody looked almost stunned after hearing that. “Wait, flood the world? That’s crazy! Nobody could survive that!”
As crazy as it sounded, Misty knew that Team Aqua didn’t care; to them, flooding the world was an ugly necessity to restore the land to the Pokémon they believed humanity took from them, and to do that, they needed to take Kyogre and use its powers to bring about this great flood. She thought her friend May had told her Aqua and their rivals, Team Magma, had been stopped ages ago, though obviously the rules of the last world no longer applied to this one.
Thinking over the matter, Misty asked Melody, “Think we could use that trident of yours to stop their submarine?”
Melody took a quick glance at the engines to see if she could get some idea on whether or not it would work, but could only reply, “Maybe…but you know if we do this, they’ll come right at us. And we’ve only been training for a few days. You think you’re ready?”
Grabbing one of her Poké Balls, she held it up proudly and said, “When it comes to battling underwater, I was born ready!”
Inside the submarine’s command center, a punch of pirate-dressed grunts were monitoring ship’s systems in their search for Kyogre. Sitting on a massive chair, a burly, tan, muscular man with a rather impressively clean beard sat, watching the oceanic view from the comforts of the submarine. Right next to him, a tall, raven-haired woman with her own equally impressive build and rather eye-catching outfit stood with her arms crossed, looking over her boss’s shoulder. It didn’t take much to figure out that this was Archie, leader of Team Aqua, and his Lieutenant, the bombshell known as Shelly. But strangely enough, they were surrounded not just by Team Aqua grunts, but groups of men dressed in... white robes? Wait, they weren't those kinds of robes, were they?
"Any sign of our prize just yet?" Archie asked his men, who were watching closely on the scopes for Kygore.
One of the Aqua grunts replied, "Negative sir. Target has yet to be sighted."
"Be patient, r****d," one of the white-robed men said, attempting to make his voice sound more powerful as if he were a preacher. "The will of the Lord Trump shalt be carried out once the Leviathan is found." Lord Trump? The President of the United States was involved in this somehow?!? Yep, since Kyogre and its rival Groudon were associated with climate change, and the GOP was all too happy to actively deny the climate crisis in general and profit off of it, the whole Kyogre thing somehow mutated into a "religious duty" for his followers that played into one of their other insane motivations: bringing about the Biblical Rapture to herald the return of Jesus Christ so they could all go to heaven.
Shelly glared at the man and said, "Hey, cut the ableist lines around here! Just because our employer asked us to bring you along doesn't mean we have to put up with your nonsense."
"Lord Trump does not value the lesser species," another person in a hood said. "The Ku Klux Kult are but His loyal servants, bound to the supremacy of the ultimate male specimen. It is you who should watch your tongue, c**t." Team Aqua was teaming up with... the literal Ku Klux Klan?!? Of course that's what the white robes were for. Granted, it wasn't a friendly partnership, by any means. That very word nearly caused Shelly to beat the Kultist over the head, but Archie raised his hand to get her to stop. "I needn't remind you this is a confined space," he said. "But my second-in-command is correct; this partnership is only because the man who gave us the means to find Kyogre instructed us to bring you along. It doesn't mean we're required to keep you alive..."
Quietly, the Kultists gulped and saw some of the Aqua goons marching up in preparation to sic a pack of Mightyena on them, just in case they tried to act funny. And to drive the point home, Archie went so far as to say, "Oh, and if you think your weapons will work here, I also needn't remind you that one stray bullet will send all of us to our doom if you miss."
Snickering to himself, he activated a holographic communicator in the center of the room, where the visage of a bald man appeared before him. "Ah, Mister Luthor," Archie said. "I hope you don't mind my interruption, but I do have to update you on our progress." Of course... Lex Luthor being involved in this somehow. As if his little attempted genocide on Sesame Street wasn't bad enough -- now he was turning to a literal terrorist group and whatever the Klan had mutated into!
"I certainly hope you've found that mythical whale you keep bantering about, Captain," Luthor spoke. "I'm not funding your entire operation just for you to play submarine adventures!"
The Team Aqua boss responded, "As a matter of fact, you funded our operations because you had a benefit from our plans. I just didn't recall those plans involved requiring racists to join my crew."
"They're idiots," Lex bluntly said. "But idiots can be used as you so please. They're obsessed with bringing about the end of the world because their holy book says that they'll be sent to Heaven afterwards -- utter bullcrap, if you ask me, but it means they'll more than happily buy into your plans and keep the more unwanted riffraff away from your operation."
Shelly snarked, "You mean so you and your billionaire buddies can make expensive beachfront property?"
"I'm a businessman, Miss Shelly. I simply create an opportunity where I see fit. Worthless desert property being turned into luxury resorts? Mere pittance once California is sunk under the water. The benefits of megayacht complexes and LexCorp's dominance in the shipping industry are only a side benefit; all I want is to see the look on Superman's face when he realizes even he can't stop the world from being flooded."
"Praise be to the Lord Trump, for His will is to be enacted on the unjust and unholy!" the Kultists exclaimed as Shelly facepalmed over the matter. She'd been having to put up with these guys since they left port, and they just wouldn't shut up!
But Archie said, "You can have your revenge against Superman, Luthor. Just as long as I get mine."
"And that you shall," Lex replied. "Just make sure you follow through, Archie. I have much bigger plans in mind." The communication was then shut off, as the Kultists ended their bowing before Luthor, one of their many idols. It seems that after the merger, Elon Musk himself started making Trump's followers wear Klan robes as a joke -- but in their "infinite wisdom", they took the whole thing too seriously and formally started a cult centered around their idol, Donald Trump, thus codifying what they had already been doing for so long. Lex just so happened to be one of the "good ones" on account of being a ruthless billionaire.
Nevertheless, Archie shouted, "Keep up the search! Kyogre is around here somewhere, and I fully intend to find it!" But just as he barked out his orders, Melody's trident was jammed into one of the engines, setting off an explosion in the process.
Once the explosion hit, the submarine shook. “Sir!” one of the grunts shouted. “Engines just went down! We’re dead in the water!” Indeed, the grunt proved correct, as the massive beast slowed to a crawl without propulsion. They were still afloat (for now), but with nowhere to go, Archie had no other option but to consider the possibility of sabotage. He’d heard rumors of sirens in these waters, and he had no intention of being lured to his death.
“Shelly,” he said in a deep, burly voice. “If you’d be so kind as to check outside.” He clasped his hands as he slouched over, his eyes keen on searching for potential prey.
Shelly eagerly obeyed his orders and went to grab a breathing unit. “With pleasure, sir.” She strutted over to the cabinet carrying such breathers, leaving Archie to his thoughts, none of which were remotely pleasant. He hid it well, but the death of his partner Pokémon broke him. Badly. He felt humans had become selfish, failing to consider that Pokémon were just a part of this world as humans are. But in the end, there could only be one. He would flood the world and bring humans to an end, letting Pokémon reclaim this universe.
But little did he realize that before all this, his plan failed – and he realized its folly. Now, that knowledge was no longer in his mind, and thus it must continue through. Even worse, Luthor and other billionaires were all too happy to take advantage of Archie's grief for their own monetary gain, and as always, it also seeped into the viscerally cruel, apocalyptic motives of the U.S. Republican Party -- now the Ku Klux Kult.
Meanwhile, back outside, the submarine hatch opened up, as Shelly and a trio of Aqua grunts emerged, quickly spotting Misty and Melody preparing for a fight. It seemed almost shocking to Shelly, seeing a pair of teenagers (let alone merteens) trying to pick a fight with a pirate gang, but she had a job to do. She called out on her breather’s communicator. “Boss, we got two teens outside doin’ a number on our ship. Permission to bring them down.”
“Granted. But I don’t want them hurt. Restrain them and bring them inside.”
Shelly smiled and said, “Understood.” She then turned to her grunts and had them call out their Pokémon. Out popped a Carvanha, a Sealeo, and a Seadra, while Shelly herself called forth her mighty Sharpedo. Melody probably figured that’s where they got the idea for that submarine from, thinking these pirates had poor taste in aesthetics.
Nonetheless, they looked like they were eager for a fight, so Melody swung Tidebreaker around while Misty summoned Corsola, preferring to keep Gyarados in the back pocket for the time. The two nodded at one another as the Team Aqua Admin grinned, looking eager to take them down. Shelly then said, “You two get lost? You know this is Team Aqua territory you’re in right now. Leave now and I promise the boss will let you swim back home.”
Misty calmly, but furiously cried out, “The ocean doesn’t belong to anyone! And last I checked, people and Pokémon alike got along just fine without you having to flood the place!”
Concurring, Melody said, “Seriously, who came up with that plan? The Earth’s 70% water anyway!”
Shaking her head, Shelly responded, “You kids really are stubborn, aren’t you? And I thought that Birch Boy was pig-headed. Listen, I gave you a fair shake – you seem like decent kids, so I’ll make this quick – but you aren’t ready for what comes next.”
Those words sounded familiar to Misty as she was hit with another flashback to when she first spoke to his Majesty.
“No, I’m sorry, but you aren’t ready for what comes next.”
Her thoughts were now in the throne room, floating before King Triton as he heard her case to be trained under his tutelage. His sternness, as legendary as it was, was on full display as Misty feared her chances were slipping away.
“I know I’m not ready, your Majesty,” said the trainer, “But that’s why I came! To learn, to train!”
Triton responded, “But at what cost? You claim to seek strength needed to face against a literal Devil, but this isn’t simply something that just anyone can do – human or mermaid! What you are asking of me is not something I can simply just grant without serious consideration.”
Trying to maintain her temper, Misty continued to plead. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but I wouldn’t have come all this way if I didn’t feel I had to. Someone I care about a lot is missing, maybe worse – and if this Makima person or any of these other bad guys are out there, it’s my job to show them they just can’t push people like us around!”
“I admire your sense of duty, Misty, but you realize that this training isn’t as simple as just throwing a few punches or being able to fight hand-to-hand. Come to think of it, why not simply ask others of your own kind? Surely there’s experts from this “Kanto” that have the means to make you stronger?”
“It’s not enough,” responded Misty. “Fighting is one thing, but if I want any chance of facing Hades, or Makima, or anyone else, I have to fight them on my terms.” Clutching her fists, she continued. “I’ve always loved the water, ever since I was a little girl. I busted my butt off mastering how to battle with Pokémon of that type because that helped me feel more connected to their world. And now that I’m here, I have a chance to use that connection to give me greater strength – strength that can show people like Makima that where those bonds are forged, evil means nothing to it. I don’t care what I have to do to make that bond stronger. All I want is the chance to prove I can master these oceans.”
Triton sat still for a minute, then smiled, seeming impressed with her answer. He then called out, “Ariel, could you come here, please?” Soon, another red-headed mermaid entered the room, this one with a traditional green tail and a purple shell bra, followed by a red-tailed mermaid with black hair and a white camisole. “My dear, I believe you have a new student to help teach alongside Melody. That is, if you’re up for the task.”
Ariel’s smile was all the confirmation Misty needed to know she was in good hands.
And with that thought fresh on her mind, Misty called out in the present, “Corsola! Spike Cannon!”
The little Water/Rock-type Pokémon complied, firing little spikes at the Sealeo. The Carvanha and the Seadra both used Water Gun, aiming right at the merteens, which they both narrowly dodged. In response, Melody fired out a mighty electrical blast from Tidebreaker, hitting the Seadra with a super effective electrical attack. The Sealeo retaliated with a Blizzard, hitting the granddaughter of Triton with a cold freeze.
Seeing this, Misty ordered Corsola to attack. “Spike Cannon! Again!” Corsola did as instructed and fired off more of its spikes, hitting Sealeo once more. However, the Carvanah then dug into the Coral Pokémon with a Bite attack. In response, Misty called out Azurill, who used Charm on it as a distraction, while she personally grabbed the tiny piranha-like Pokémon off with her bare hands and ripped it off Corsola, heaving it right back at the Team Aqua grunt who attacked it.
“In these oceans, the depths are your enemy. The further you go, gravity becomes stronger. You must become as strong as the ocean.” It was amongst the first lessons Ariel taught her, using the sheer force of her body alone to actually lift boulders bigger than her. Kyogre’s gift of this new form had offered her better protection from the depths, but those couple of days heaving rocks heavier than anything she ever felt were slowly starting to make her feel like she could javelin throw logs on the surface.
Recovering from the icy attack, Melody swam right up to the closest Aqua Grunt, and punched him right in the stomach. The hard breath caused him to lose his breather at which point he gasped for air. Quickly, the princess summoned a bubble to catch him, then used Tidebreaker to send said bubble to the surface.
“Azurill, Water Gun! Corsola, Bubble Beam!” The two followed through and struck the Seadra, which Misty then moved in at lightning speed to intercept before it could charge up an attack. “Strength alone isn’t enough to face even the most dangerous of currents. You have to embrace them – move with them – at the same speed at the same time.” Guess all that swimming around paid off big time, since it did help make Ariel’s rapids training a bit easier.
“Mel! Heads up!” Misty said as she threw the Seadra right in the path of Tidebreaker . Knowing what she meant, Melody charged it up and summoned yet another electrical attack, this time finally knocking it out. This left the Carvanha and Shelly’s Sharpedo left.
“Tsk, you kids really know how to put a crimp in things,” said Shelly, sounding almost impressed. “Sharpedo! Aqua Jet!” The massive shark charged right at the two at rapid speed. Quickly, Melody and Misty saw their target approaching, and came up with a plan on the fly. They swam right in Sharpedo’s path, playing a game of underwater chicken, then at the last second, narrowly dodged out of the way by spinning rapidly with the current the shark was creating. Shelly could barely maintain her shock as the two merteens rushed right up and punched her in the face.
At this point, Shelly was done playing games. She smirked, rolled up her sleeves, and called Sharpedo back. “I really didn’t want to do this today,” she said as she unhitched the chain around her belt, then started swinging it around like a sharp weapon (ok, maybe such a concept defies all laws of physics underwater, but you have to admit, the idea’s pretty damn cool).
Misty and Melody looked at one another, recognizing Shelly wasn’t going to back down. The latter said, “You wanna handle their boss? I got this one.”
Misty smirked and said, “Deal,” as she swam towards the submarine. Melody likewise smirked, eager to put her mom’s training regimens to the test.
Back at the submarine, Archie was sitting, watching the battle from outside as his grunts were trying to track down Kyogre. He looked rather intrigued by what was happening – impressed even with the carnage outside. Yet the Kultists were far from impressed over the matter, fuming in anger. "That wretched teenager! How dare she betray our sacred pact!"
"Sacred?" Archie said. "Since when is she one of yours?"
One of the Kultists responded, "No longer, r****d. She is a traitor, daring to defy His will instead of submitting to our desires."
Archie glared at them intensely, realizing just what they were referring to. "You're absolutely sick in the head," he snapped at the Kultist. "The more you reveal about yourselves, the more intent I get on turning you in -- or simply ending you -- once this is all said and done." Jeez, it was beginning to dawn on Archie that these robed freaks were a special kind of evil that neither he nor anyone else had encountered before in the Pokémon world.
But then, he saw Misty at his port window – and then a giant Gyarados!
The grunts inside quickly saw it and realized what she was doing. They all ran for the escape pods as Gyarados grabbed the cockpit with its jaws and started squeezing it as hard as it could. With such an intense grip, water quickly flooded the compartments, taking everything in its path. Well, everything except Archie, who just calmly stood there and embraced the oncoming tide.
Meanwhile, Melody and Shelly were fighting intensely nearby as the Team Aqua admin used her belt chain to grip Tidebreaker, then pull Melody in for a headlock. Melody struggled to break free as Shelly tightened the belt around her waist. “I don’t wanna hurt you kid, so just make this easy on yourself! We take Kyogre, we flood the world, you’re better off for it! Sides, you ain’t human, so you should appreciate this!”
“That’s… where you’re… wrong!” cried out the princess as she was able to muster enough grip to jab Tidebreaker into Shelly’s foot, allowing her to break free. “I am human! And a mermaid! Born of two worlds, daughter of land and sea! Now let me show you why…” Soon, she decided to unleash a new move she’d been practicing well before her mother could teach it to her, and used her trident to cast a giant firebolt. Quickly, she followed it up with an ice attack, with the resulting heat creating a significant steam cloud that blocked out Shelly’s vision enough for said fireball to hit her dead on. It wasn’t enough to severely hurt her – just singe her enough that when she was staggered over, Melody swam right up to Shelly, and used her strength to throw her into a wall and freeze her right on the spot.
As for the submarine, the escape pods jettisoned while Gyarados released its grip. But no sooner did it accomplish such than Archie himself swam up on his own Sharpedo and sucker punched Gyarados in the face , staggering the sea dragon. Misty was shocked to see the Team Aqua leader had pulled that off with such vigor, but was more concerned about her partner. She swam up and asked, “Gyarados! Are you ok?!” The mighty serpent, thought dazed, nodded, as Archie, equipped with his own breather unit, swam up on his partner.
“You’ve got spunk, kid, I’ll give you that,” complimented the villain. “But I didn’t come all this way out here for some mermaid to stop what’s necessary for this world. And now that Makima’s gunning for it, why risk her winning?”
Taking a deep breath, Misty threw out her entire team, having Politoed and Goldeen join the rest of her already summoned Pokémon. She then responded, “Because it’s the same old song and dance; bad guys wanna take over and/or destroy the world. Been there, done that. Oh, and I’m not just any ol’ mermaid either,” she said as she smirked. “I’m the Tomboyish Mermaid!” Soon, she and her team swam right up to Archie, intent on facing him head on.
Or she was, as the Kultists had grabbed scuba gear - and GUNS! They started shooting at her and shouted, "Traitor! You will die for refusing to submit to Him! Thou art a sacred waifu, bound to the Texts of Artificial Generation, and thou hath refused thy place!"
"Sacred? Arceus, what's WRONG WITH YOU?!" Misty shouted as she quickly ducked away from the bullets, shivers running down her spine as she was creeped out by those comments. She'd already heard it enough online, but in person? She just shouted, "GOLDEEN! HORN DRILL!" Quickly, her partner swam over and drilled its horn into the Kultists, right in their butts as they screeched out in pain before Melody punched them right in the face.
Melody shouted, "Go, Misty! I'll take care of these guys!" Misty nodded as she resumed her charge at Archie.
But Archie didn’t seem all that fazed, let alone by the fact he was facing a world-renowned Gym Leader. He stood his ground and swam alongside his Sharpedo, using Aqua Jet to ram his way right into the paths of his opponent. Azurill’s youth and inexperience did little to help as it was barreled over, while Corsola and Goldeen both barely got out of the way. The little coral rock fired off another Spike Cannon, while the goldfish used Horn Attack. It scratched at Sharpedo, but it still pressed on, none the worse for wear.
Gyarados fired off a Hydro Pump, finally hitting Archie off as Sharpedo tried to swim back for its trainer. This time, its distraction proved its downfall, since Politoed knew Focus Blast and hit it for a good chunk of damage. While the frog and the others went to finish it off, Misty rode her Gyarados to face Archie, let the beast fire off another Hydro Pump, then hopped off to face him herself. She struck with furious blows, though he too was quick to counter with his own impressive strength and dexterity. He held back, not wanting to hurt her (as his own code forbade it), but he made sure that her own impressive hits did little to deter him. His own dexterity was as ironclad as his will to see his mission through thanks to his many years in piracy, and he’d survived the worst the seas had to offer. Surely this was but a small inconvenience to a man like him.
Nonetheless, Misty kept pressing on, trading blows with Archie as Gyarados occasionally swooped in to smack the pirate with its tail. Yet he refused to give an inch. He soon yelled, “You don’t get it, do you?! No matter how much you fight, I won’t stop – not until Kyogre has cleansed this world of the human filth that have tainted its kind! Humans are unworthy to claim Pokémon as their partners, let alone to call them friends! It knows this; it senses this! And in the end, I will command its power, and give it the means to do what must be needed!”
Misty seemed all the more unimpressed. “Didn’t you pay any attention to what I just said?! Villains! Never! Get it!” She charged right in at lighting speed and rammed him hard before giving him a decent uppercut. “All you ever do is think about what you want! Did you ever stop to consider what the Pokémon want, even for a minute?”
Archie responded by putting Misty in a chokehold. “I know exactly what they want! All they want is freedom from us! Freedom from being used, having their homes destroyed as we build ourselves outward! Freedom to simply live without us making their lives miserable! Only I know this, as does Kyogre! The fact you can’t see it makes you unworthy to even be in its domain!”
“UNWORTHY…”
Soon, the seas reached a silent calm as the boom of a whale call echoed throughout the oceans. A dark shadow cast itself over the battlefield, which even caught Melody off guard. “Oh my god…”
The moronic Kultists began to cheer and prostrate themselves. "Lo, the great Leviathan hath appeared to flood and cleanse the world for forty days and forty nights, and to consume the nonbelievers and heretics just as it did with Jonah, so that we may be judged by God and by His most sacred agent, the Lord Trump!"
Misty and Archie both turned to see that Kyogre itself had appeared before the two. Archie’s eyes lit up with reverence, dropping Misty as he swam up to it, trying to bow as best he could under the oceans. At this point, Misty, stretching to get over from that chokehold, wasn’t sure whether to ambush Archie or just leave him be, but something in Kyogre’s eyes told her the latter was the best choice for now.
“O mighty Kyogre…” Archie soon felt a sense of bliss. “At last! You’ve heard my pleas! You’ve seen the damage wrought upon your domain, and know that I too seek to bring this world to everlasting peace! Please, I beg of you, join me! Avenge your brethren! Bring upon a great flood, and restore that which was taken!”
All Kyogre did was sit there, staring at the Team Aqua Leader. Melody eventually swam up to Misty, prepared to intervene, but her friend gestured her to wait. Archie continued to wait for the response, hoping that his dream would be at long last fulfilled. Instead, what he heard next was the most breaking word of his life.
“UNWORTHY…”
And all it took to break his mighty exterior – the very tenacious attitude that had held him up for so long – was for the very beast he idolized to tell him right to his face that he was not worthy of commanding its power. His face turned to shock, his mind frantically raced…how could he have been deemed unworthy? He sought to restore the balance to Kyogre’s kind! He couldn’t have been seen as an insult to its name!
Yet it seemed Kyogre disagreed. Its eyes gazed upon Misty, looking right into her soul. And it was that look that made her recall one of her conversations with Ariel. It was in her old grotto where she’d once stashed her human treasures, collecting them like mementos of the surface world. Triton had once destroyed it, but had seen to its repair as an apology for his harshness. It was here that Ariel told Misty of her dream.
“You really wanted to be human?” Misty asked.
Ariel responded, “More than anything. I never knew what it was at first…the people, the wonderful things they had, their culture! I just loved everything about them!”
“Did you ever figure it out?”
Ariel giggled and said, “Yeah. It was love.” She looked at an old music box she’d found and said, “Not just the love they have for each other, but the love they have for everything.” She let out a sigh as she continued. “I know not every human’s good. I understand that perfectly. But what they represent as a whole – they have the capacity to care at such a level, I couldn’t help but wanna be part of that. Sometimes, I think that’s probably their best trait. Even at their worst, they can always find it in their hearts to care, you know?”
Misty nodded in affirmation, thinking back on everything and everyone she ever cared for. “Actually, yeah…”
The flashback soon ended, and Misty could see Kyogre was more than ready to let her approach. She swam right up to it, and reached out her hand, touching its forehead. Soon, it could sense her thoughts as it could sense hers, and she felt it. The strong yet gentle call of the seas rang throughout her mind, as for a moment, she saw what it saw: the ocean in all its glory, and the Pokémon within. Not one hostile thought towards any of them. And something told her it could sense it within her too.
“WORTHY…”
That alone seemed enough to confirm something in her. Maybe it really wanted…? Only one way to find out . So by chance, she took out the last Poké Ball she had and held it out to Kyogre, just to see what it would do. To her surprise, it pressed its head on the capture button, allowing itself to enter. Archie and Melody both were utterly shocked that this Legendary Pokémon had offered itself as her partner willingly. And with just three clicks…
CLICK!
It finally happened. Misty almost couldn’t believe it herself, but she soon realized it was no dream. She had actually caught Kyogre! She let out a mild giggle and embraced the Poké Ball in her arms, overjoyed she’d obtained one of the ultimate Water Pokémon in the world. As for Archie, the shock had worn off and he’d realized that no, his dreams would never be true now that Misty had won over Kyogre. So he held his head down in shame, accepting that defeat was all but inevitable, and let himself sit.
"How dare thee!" one of the Kultists cried out. "Thou hath sided with this... traitor... instead of helping to bring about the End of Days, and--"
The Kultist's tirade was interrupted by a haymaker to the face, courtesy of Archie. He made good on his promise to dispose of that disgusting, idiotic sect of bigots once he didn't need them anymore. Unfortunately, the Kult remained as omnipresent as ever, and would surely continue to intervene in affairs on behalf of their false orange god. And given that both Trump and the Ku Klux Klan were infamous for doing things far more monstrous and less cartoonish than merely getting a giant whale to flood the world, things would only get worse from there...
And unbeknownst to the Kultists, Jesus was there all along, watching over them from some secluded location -- and depicted as his familiar South Park incarnation. "Pfft, fucking idiots," he said as he turned to someone else in the same room.
Melody swam on up and gave Misty a big old high five. “Wow! That was amazing! You actually managed to catch that thing!” The two girls cheered and laughed with such a victory.
“You were pretty cool yourself, Mel!” said Misty. “Guess your Mom really did teach you the family ways!”
Melody giggled as she said, “Wait until everyone hears about this! Boy, are they gonna be jealous when they see you caught that Pokémon!” Misty took a look at her new partner, let out a small little smile, and turned to her friend.
“Well, I guess today really is my lucky day.” Melody just looked at her confused, wondering what she meant. Misty responded, “Oh, didn’t I tell you? Today’s my 14th birthday!”
Several minutes later, everyone was back at Atlantica, all safe and sound. The Team Aqua grunts, including a despondent Archie and a sullen, but otherwise fine Shelly, were being escorted by royal guards into cells to be held until the closest Officer Jenny could arrive on the surface to arrest them. King Triton was watching the hooligans be taken away, glad those menaces wouldn’t be bothering his kingdom. Meanwhile, Ariel, fresh off her own training sessions, was watching closely as her charges were outside the throne, and, well…
“Aw! Aren’t you just the most adorable Water-type Pokémon ever! Yes you are! Yes you are!” Yep, Misty was gushing all over Kyogre, cuddling it as best she could like it was the most amazing thing in the world. Even a year older and some habits never changed; not that Kyogre seemed to mind.
Melody just looked on, a bit mildly amused as Sebastian was floating right next to her, grousing. “If dat’s what dey call a whale deez days, all ah’m saying is don’t let dat overgrown ting near me! I didn’t live all dis time to become chow!”
Snarking right back at Sebastian, Melody said, “I don’t think Kyogre likes the taste of crab.” All that did was made Sebastian frump as she giggled, while Ariel finally swam up to both of her students.
“Well, I gotta say, that’s some progress!” the Little Mermaid said as she looked impressed at the massive beast. “Guess you two are getting a handle on this training a lot faster than I would have thought. Keep this up and maybe you have a chance of facing Sora!”
“Who?” asked Misty, still unsure exactly of who she keeps referring to.
Sheepishly forgetting the newcomer never heard of such a person, Ariel said, “Oh, right. Guess that’s a whole other story. But I think you both are ready for a bit more of an advanced course now. That is, if you think you’re up for it.”
The two merteens looked at one another, nodded, and looked right at Ariel. Misty responded first. “Bring it! I’m gonna keep getting stronger no matter what comes my way!” Kyogre let out a whale call in response to its new trainer’s glee.
“Don’t count me out either, Mom!” said Melody. “This princess doesn't back down!”
Ariel wasn’t surprised by their comments. Those two really had become fast friends. She smirked and said, “Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Let’s see if you two are good enough to handle some really tough enemies. Let me tell you, they sting worse than they look.” And she swam off to talk to her father, leaving the merteens wondering what stings she was referring to. Misty’s faced sank somewhat, since stings usually meant bugs – and Melody knew how much Misty didn’t want to be within 10 feet of those …
Seeing the look of worry on Misty’s face, she asked, “You uh…you alright?”
Rather nervously, Misty responded, “Gee uh…I wonder how Brock’s doing right now?” She’d rather not think about all those creepy crawlies getting on her.
Meanwhile, several thousands of miles away, on the surface, the darkness and silence was broken by a croaking sound.
“Croa…croa…croa…croa…”
Groaning in pain, Brock finally came to, and saw his ever strange Croagunk hovering over him, croaking as always. He felt like every muscle in his body had been shot, leaving him sore all over. He then remembered where he was as he moaned loudly through all that pain.
“Dawwww…this is the last time I vacation on Zack Island!”
Yeah…this was gonna be interesting…
Not long after, news of Archie's arrest was making headlines, much to the displeasure of a certain someone in Metropolis...
"MORONS! ABSOLUTE DUMBASSES! HOW COULD THEY BUNGLE THIS UP?!" The sound of broken glass could be heard as Luthor threw one of his glasses right at the wall, shattering it into pieces. Immediately, little robots came in to sweep it up, leaving the CEO and billionaire fuming over this recent setback. "I asked them for ONE thing, and they CAN'T EVEN DO IT WITHOUT SOME TEENAGER MUCKING IT UP!" It seemed that no matter where in this new universe, Lex would constantly have someone being a thorn in his side, even if it wasn't Superman.
But for the moment, he had much bigger things to worry about. Soon, he'd have a meeting that would change everything...
Notes:
This particular one shot started off as a unique little idea during development. We already had some major Pokémon elements to begin with during the story, but it just so happened that Misty herself was absent from the initial lineup due to the fact that she didn't have a self demonstrating page to her name (not that the current administration on TV Tropes is going to bother letting her have one anyway...). Hence, as we began the rewrites following our exile, her name came up in conversation, and she found herself with quite a unique role. We already had elements from The Little Mermaid in the story, and given her nickname and her most famous focus episode happened to have her dressed as one, it pretty much just wrote itself.
Now there was some brief discussion about this being side stories for her and Brock before it was shortened down to a one shot (where they're going after this, well...can't give that away just yet, now can I?), and it turned out to work all the better for it. There was a lot of changes for my thought process on how this was going to go about, including that this wasn't going to take place on her birthday, her reasons for being here was intially more of a tourist visit before it became a training session, and I did think about having her free Kyorge from Archie before deciding it choosing her was more powerful. Moreover, her new form is an explicit Kingdom Hearts reference, but rather than making it a surprise new look for her, I did consider it being something she'd be aware of to begin with the moment she hit the waters. Heh, guess big oceanic whales tend to have that effect on people.
Really, the big focus of the chapter was just helping to give Misty and Melody a cute little friendship, being of simliar backgrounds as lovers of the ocean, which is largely where much of the inspiration came in the first place. And it certainly won't be the first visit to Atlantica, nor will it be the last. I did say there's plenty of Kingdom Hearts homages, now didn't I?
Oh, as an interesting note, Lex and the Kultists weren't supposed to be in this chapter either, but recent events (as well as Luthor himself gaining significant prominence) led us to their inclusion. - chris4449
Chapter 18: Maximum Effort!
Summary:
The Man, The Myth, The Pool himself - aw, hell just read and you'll see.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
After reading for what felt like an eternity, you turn away from your browser, thinking What was I just reading ?
You, the reader, are just browsing through Archive of Our Own after that whole traumatizing experience with Barney, content to get away from all the madness that you saw on TV Tropes, only to instead be greeted with more crossover madness. Suddenly, a literal anime waifu from a violent manga series tried to butcher a childhood icon, then took over the Galactic Empire to make Darth Vader her stooge. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you can hear fanboys complaining about Palpatine getting bumped off by a woman as much as they complained about the sequels.
And if that wasn’t enough, now Hades and Beast Megatron were forming their own villain alliance, and Roz from Monsters, Inc. was putting together a superhero team with a Pokémon trainer and friggin' SpongeBob and Patrick? What sort of mashup was this? It was just pure insanity! You were kind of scared to keep reading, fearing they’d drop another surprise on you. And last time, you wound up having to witness that whole fiasco with the purple doofus – and even then, you still couldn’t get away from him as you had to watch him die repeatedly! And what was with that walking star?
Better not to take any chances. You decide to close your web browser and forget you ever saw the whole thing. Hell, might as well go outside and actually do something productive before The TV Tropes Character Crossover War makes you start seeing your favorite fictional characters come to life before your eyes.
Then something starts to smell. You take a pause and sniff the air. It smells like…microwave burritos? No, that can’t be right. You aren’t microwaving any burritos! Wait, why is there a microwave going off?
“I know what you’re thinking: what in the actual fuck was I just reading? Was this some sort of wet dream, only it didn’t involve Blake Lively in the Bahamas? No, my friend, this is what you call good old fashioned fanfiction.”
Who was that? Where’s that voice coming from? You look around, only to find the Fourth Wall has once again abused you. You’re now in some raggedy looking apartment, right next to that microwave you heard earlier. The burritos are cooking as you try to get your bearings, wondering who’s talking.
“And no, you aren’t going insane. This isn’t that one episode from Enterprise where Doctor Phlox went cuckoo from all that long-term isolation. You are actually hearing the voice of God. And by God, I mean his perfect idiot.”
Perfect idiot? Why does that sound familiar? You keep looking around, seeing pictures on a table of some ruggedly handsome dude next to his hot-looking chick, then a picture of Hugh Jackman crudely cut out from some magazine, then a picture of…Bea Arthur? Also crudely cut out from some magazine. And pasted in the middle of a photo of a wrestling match while holding a chair. And beating the crap out of what looks to be some guy named “Tom Rothman”, whose own head is crudely cut off from a picture and placed on the guy being hit by the chair, with x’s marking his eyes.
“See, the thing about crossover fanfics is that, inevitably, they decide to go for the low hanging fruit; reach out to its viewers through sheer desperation tactics, usually involving some sort of fanservice heavy moment. But since this is strictly up to viewer imagination – and because the guy who’s actually drawing this for later is taking his sweet-ass time – we can’t actually have a round of beach volleyball on Zack Island. So, they had to turn to the next best thing.”
You hear a door creaking open, but turn around to see an old, black woman sleeping on the couch. Next to her is a robotic dog of some kind, with little paintings all over it, and a giant bag of white powder marked with the note “Sorry, Kevin.” And next to them is a familiar long-legged yellow star, sitting on the couch and using a cutesy-looking T-Rex skull with a candle in it as a reading light.
“I miss Vanessa”, the original Starwalker says in a highly bitcrushed voice before going back to his reading. You swear that somewhere, two imps are screaming in frustration.
Then it hits you. You know exactly whose apartment you’re somehow in. And right on cue, the door opens up all the way to reveal a tall man, dressed in a red and black suit, armed with two katanas and multiple other weapons and incidentals. In his left hand is a plush unicorn. “This Is How We Do It” then suddenly starts playing overhead, even though there aren't any speakers in the building.
Oh no…it’s him .
“Surprise, motherfucker. Instead of getting Kasumi bouncing around in two strings and a wish, you got the obvious answer to your fanfiction boredom.” He walks up to the microwave, strutting his stuff and shaking his ass in that skintight spandex of his to the music beats. With a single ding, he pulls out the burritos by stabbing them with his knives, then pulls off his mask enough to chew down on the sucker, eating the whole thing in one gulp.
“Ahh…good stuff.” He then looks at you, as you wonder how in the hell you ended up with this guy. “Oh, you’re probably all confused as to why we’re doing this fourth wall breaking gag again after you had to watch me and the old Chainsaw Head t-bag Barnaby’s remains. For answers, I suggest you consult this.” Out from behind his back, he pulls a copy of Deadpool Volume 1 by Daniel Way in trademark paperback cover, flipping the pages while taking a sniff of it. “Yeahp, that’s the good stuff right there.” He then throws the book over his shoulder rather than let you read it, then walks towards you and shoves you on the couch. The sudden shift in mood frightens you, but Deadpool keeps at it without a care in the world. He then turns on the TV, pulls up Disney+ and turns on Deadpool & Wolverine, looks around to see if Disney's lawyers are anywhere, and swipes Blind Al’s bag of cocaine.
“Ah, Development Gag with the whole note for Kevin. Yeah, real clever to make fun of the one restriction we had.” He then throws the bag over his shoulder and looks right at you. “But as I was saying, when it comes to fanfiction, restrictions are only in the mind… unless you’re somebody from Supermarioglitchy64 Bloopers , in which case, don’t bother trying to sleep with my sister to get a part in this…is what I would say if I actually had a sister. But seriously, SMG4 is totes off limits cause – do people still say “totes” anymore? Shit, I think that hasn’t been a thing since the 90s’.”
At this point, while you’re trying to decide if being stuck with this lunatic is worse than being in the same room with Barney, you – SMACK! OWWWWW!
“I think we milked that joke long enough, don’t you, writer guy or gal? Let old Marvel Jesus take the reigns in writing this, k?”
“Ah-ah-hem! It all began a long time ago…shit, too obvious. Let me start over. It was the best of times, it was the – fuck! Already did that! God, is there a better way to describe the absolute shitfest that led us to this point without sounding so corny?!”
“Oh wait, I got it.”
Suddenly, giant credits start appearing overhead as “Careless Whisper” begins to play.
Archive of Our Own Presents
In Association With Absolutely Nobody Because Copyright Lawyers Are Assholes
Something That’s Never Gonna Get Made Into a Movie (But Goddamnit Would It Be Epic)
Written By:
A Train Obsessed Nerd
A Childless Cosplaying Trans Cat Lady
The Guy Who Added Project Moon To This Fic (SPOILER ALERT!)
A Few Other People Who Still Need To Come Up With Quirky Nicknames
Featuring Ryan Reynolds…In Everybody’s Head
MAXIMUM EFFORT: AKA THE ONE WHERE DEADPOOL JOINS THE TV TROPES CHARACTER CROSSOVER WAR
“Good stuff, isn’t it? Like, this shit scored me an easy $800 million when we hit theaters. Betcha TV Tropes wished they had this kind of talent. But then again, considering who made it…let’s start this whole thing over, waaaaaay back at the beginning.”
Suddenly, time runs backwards like a VCR tape. And it somehow ends up with a little baby Deadpool in diapers.
“Oops, little too far back. But seriously, what sort of joke is that? I clearly didn’t get my powers until I was a lot older. Or you’re making fun of the whole spinoff baby fad that hit in the 90s? I…I don’t know at this point.”
The rewind then fast forwards to the year 2004, showing the first iteration of TV Tropes. “There we go. Welcome to TV Tropes, the website designed for the sole purpose of cataloging and archiving everything related to major media. And apparently ruining your life. And also attracting all sorts of oh-so-nasty debates that makes C-SPAN footage look like Teletubbies! Because on this place, anything went. As long as it was tropable, you could make a page out of it, give it tropes based on god knows how many cliches these things had, and then make some sort of snarky commentary about how something sucked – and I don’t mean in the fun kind of way.”
The scene then changes to show the Self Demonstrating Index. “But somewhere along the way, one of these guys got the brilliant idea for writers to come along and start writing up “Self-Demonstrating Character Pages”. Basically, as long as these guys had some unique voice comin’ out of their yapper, they could go ahead and describe their own tropes. Naturally, because the internet couldn’t get enough of me, I was one of those yappers. And so too was everyone you could think of!”
“Well, almost everyone. Buttface McGee (Hawk Moth’s page is deleted) , Maurice Chevalier (Lumiere’s page is deleted), Another Disney Character Reduced to Comic Relief Because They Think People Want Funny Ha-Ha (Boba Fett’s page is deleted) , Soulja Boy (Captain Rex’s page is deleted) , and the entire set of Dresses For Frills (All the Sailor Scouts pages are deleted) got flushed down the old “not unique enough” toilet, since according to TV Tropes, their pages sounded too boring. And then some ass decided to give Woody Allen a page (Groot's page is deleted) FOLLOWED BY old Creator’s Pet here (Charizard’s page is shown being deleted), not accounting for the fact that talking with just one word does not qualify as unique. Unless of course, that word is daddy.”
“Ahem…anyway, more and more of these pages started cropping up like me at a neighboring taco stand, so naturally, some of the more creative folks on TV Tropes decided to make them start mocking the ever-loving fuck out of each other, like old Eggman insulting everyone like they owed him money! And one of them was me, and I didn’t owe that bald-faced fatass a dime! But in spite of the protests of the “moderators”, people kept making these guys knock each other down a peg, like Makima (her original page is flushed down a toilet) ...ok, the second Makima tryin’ to get laid with old Edgelord the Angel, that sexy-voiced dino knocking down marshmallow face the not-tank engine for having a shittier boss than Nick Fury when he’s hoarding national secrets, or villains taking a literal shit on Cartman…ok, actually that might have been me on that last one.”
“But eventually, those insults tend to get too personal. And one Sheldon J. Plankton got the wise-ass idea to start calling Purple Megatron “Barney”, it just drove the guy over the edge faster than people walking out of Borderlands demanding their money back. And when some even dumber ass thought it’d be funny to have the old purplepuss warn everyone on TV Tropes not to give Barney a page…well, ask and ye shall receive.”
Ominous Latin music plays as the original Barney page appears before you. “And with that, it led to this. Over the next couple of days, those same tropers decided to get even crazier with writing all sorts of wild shit – killing Barney, having Makima try to blow the living bejesus out of Sesame Street, more killing Barney, having Makima kill Palpatine and making Vader her bitch, even more killing Barney, and a whole influx of more self demonstrating pages popping out so folks could squeeze their favorites into what was becoming the biggest hit on the website since…well, anything! Goddamn, was this stuff getting good.”
“So, what did we do? We – ah, shit. I’d love to go into all that, but it’s all on the Google Drive. And since this whole enchilada’s being rewritten into a narrative format, I can’t keep yammering on about what does happen since 90% of it’s gonna change to get even more insane. What I can tell you is about the idiots who decided that this shit can’t last on their own website. Because just a few weeks after this started–”
Another image appears before you from TV Tropes, straight from the forums where it states that the crossover can’t be hosted on the website due to it being “Original Fiction”. “They done get the boot! Yep, because it’s not ancient and decrepit enough to stay on the website of its very origin, even though it was literally spawned from its very bowels and didn’t turn out like absolute dogshit like Pooh’s Adventures (fyi, don’t watch that unless you’ve had a few hits), because they couldn’t be bothered to moderate. So in response, we had to pack up shop and move this whole shebang to AO3. And all that was going oh so fine – at least until this asshat decided to show up.”
A picture of some random dude appears before you, with a literal donkey on his head. You’re not sure who it is, but you get the funny feeling you’re about to find out. “Most folks know him as that one moderator who hates anything fun. Others know him as the fake nerd. But everyone knows him as the guy who runs TV Tropes like he’s Norman Osborn during Dark Reign, except he didn’t have to fuck over the Skrulls to do it. And his name is – I can’t say, but it rhymes with “Lightyear”, ‘cept he's no fun and is nonetheless a buzz… kill. And thanks to his “quote-on-quote” “nerd powers”, he got the self demonstrating pages banned. Sad booing noises. And then it got unbanned! Happy cheering noises! Then the creatively deprived guy got all interactions between characters unless they exist in the same canon. Sad booing noises.”
“And I know, I know, they aren’t a fanfic site. I get that. But goddamn if the entire idea of a Self Demonstrating Page was to have fun. You want uniqueness, you let them chat with each other, there you fucking go. No. Copyrights. Involved. Sigh, classic case of just being lazy because – news flash! – they had plenty of tropes to go around! You didn’t want ‘em to start yappin’ to one another, then ya shoulda have done that in the first place! Hello! Obvious rules patch! Then again, you guys never bothered readin’ your own rules seein’ as you let King Buzzkill stay on as a moderator, even though you kicked him off for being a jerk in the first place.”
"But hey, why moan when there's money involved? I mean, come on, it's not like a major pop culture catalouging website gets clamped down into 1984-ville because the mods are scared the precious advertising dollars are gonna grow legs and walk away, right? That's why they basically Warmbo any political discussions instead of... oh, I dunno, fighting back! What do I know, right? One of the oldest self-demonstrating pages, aka major witness, saw the whole shebang go down! They basically got scared away cause there were tropes for some not so safe for work stuff on there, and Google not once, but twice! Ergo, fun does not equal money."
“So, here we are, off TV Tropes, on AO3, taking the absolute piss out of our former hosts for not having a single creative bone in their body! Especially he-who-must-not-be-named! And now they’re probably gonna be kicking themselves for losing all that precious internet traffic, seeing as we turned this thing into a smash hit fanfic well away from “YoU cAnNoT hOsT oRiGiNaL wOrKs On HeRe!” We ain’t profitin’ in money (already got a $1 billion hit to line those pockets), but goddamn if we are cooking with these rewrites!”
“But let’s face it; you aren’t here to see the richest fucker in cinematic history dunk on a Uwe Boll collective trying to run Clicheville like it’s Barney and Friends – we already saw what happened to that dipshit. No…you’re trying to figure out whether you want to keep reading this since now it’s about to get a lot more interesting. Like I said, total desperation tactic, since visually speaking, we can’t do a swimsuit special with our waifu-in-waiting, Madame “I’ll Fuck You Five Thousand Times Over With My Land Shark” Cynthia – no last name given. Still, more free press for the old Wade Wilson.”
After what feels like hours, Deadpool clutches his little plush unicorn, then grabs a large poster of what appears to be some purple-haired, skimpily-clad anime woman, whom you quickly recognize as Misato Katsuragi. “Speaking of free press, gotta go celebrate the old streaming number success, so I'll just let you continue on. You probably read the old format, so you know what happens next.”
And with the slam of the door, you hear “Just Can’t Get Enough” playing inside his room. You have a pretty good idea about what he’s doing in there, but you’d rather not think about it.
After all that happened, someone knocked at the door, finally awakening Blind Al after she slept through…whatever that was. “Mother fucker!” she screamed out. “Can’t a woman just nap!” she mumbled as she walked over to the door, her robotic guide dog helping her along the way.
She opened it up, completely unaware that right in front of her, a CGI slug, an anime girl and her pet penguin, and two cartoon sea creatures stood. Roz spoke up and said, “Is Mister Wilson home?”
“Who’s asking?”, said Blind Al. “Are you with those TVA motherfuckers or –”
Roz interrupted Al as Dawn tried to cover Piplup’s ears from such foul language, but all SpongeBob and Patrick heard were dolphin noises coming out of Al’s mouth. “Madame Sanderson, we’re not with the Time Variance Authority. We’re actually here to speak to your roommate about a business proposition.”
“Heh, more of those contract jobs.” Al just walked back towards the couch, shouting, “He’s in his room, but you’d better not bug him right now! He’s not exactly decent.”
“We’ll take our chances,” said Roz as she slithered into the room, followed by the rest of her allies. She looked around the room, noticing the odd state of the place, the clear lack of maintenance, and the original Starwalker just sitting there. She gave him an odd exchange, almost as if she somehow knew him. And then she stared at you, looking right at you as if she was somehow aware of your presence. A shiver runs down your spine as you just sit there and hope she doesn’t sic her goons on you.
“Jeez,” spoke Dawn, “This place could sure use some room service.”
SpongeBob chimed in and said, “I’d love to get a little cleaning done! I was born for it, after all! Nyahahahahahahaha!”
Dawn chuckled a little, but Roz didn’t seem to care so much as she was focused on getting to Deadpool. She knocked at the door.
“Busy!” was the only word she heard amidst the loud music. She couldn’t tell what he was doing in there.
“Mister Wilson?” She had to try and get his attention somehow.
“I said I’m busy!” He just kept at it, trying to ignore these strange visitors.
To Dawn, he somehow sounded familiar…”Is that Detective Pikachu in there?”
“I don’t know who that is, but let me try!”, spoke up SpongeBob. He knocked on the door and shouted, “Hello? This is SpongeBob SquarePants! We're here to tell you something really really important!”
Inside the room, Wade briefly stopped what he was doing. That really was SpongeBob talking to him? Of course it was; he knew he was in a fanfic. But he didn’t really want to answer the door right now. “Yeah, as much as I want to meet one of my favorite childhood icons and meme stars, I'm really, really, really, REALLY busy!”
Roz just shook her head outside the door. They needed to get Deadpool, but he obviously wasn’t going to budge. So Patrick stepped up to the door and said, “Let me have a try.” He stretched his hands, breathed on them, placed them in front like he was a Jedi, and shouted, “OPEN SESAME!”
Nothing.
He just walked up to the group and said, “Well, I’ve done all I can do.”
Sighing, Roz just snapped her fingers, and a group of CDA agents came in with a door rammer.
“Dawn, wait outside for a few minutes. I have a bad feeling about this.”
Once they were sure she was gone, the CDA busted down the door, stunning the Merc With a Mouth as this comic-booky looking fellow saw a mix of medium-based characters looking right at him. And when they looked right back, they saw his pants were down, he was hiding his privates over his plush unicorn, the Misato poster was in plain view, and –
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
SpongeBob and Patrick’s own eyes shriveled up as they both screamed, “MY EYES!” Roz just kept standing there, stone-faced as ever. But Wade was horrifically embarrassed that they caught him in this act, let alone in front of a crowd.
Zipping up his pants, he exclaimed, “Shit! I-it's not what it looks like!” as he tried tossing the unicorn out of eyesight, frantically trying to roll up the Misato poster, while SpongeBob and Patrick tried to reassemble their eyes.
“We won't judge, Mr. Wilson,” said Roz, her voice not changing its inflection one iota. “There are far more important things at stake.”
Stepping out his bed, Wade asked, “Are you with the TVA or something? They pulled this same shit last time, except it was a lot more violent and a lot less embarrassing. And also a very disrespectful yet hilarious override to the ending of Logan. Wait…are you wanting me to go kick the shit out of some widely despised characters? If so, I can claim partial credit for what happened to Barney the –”
Interrupting him, Roz continued. “No, Mr. Wilson. We're here to talk to you about joining our superhero team.”
Beneath his expressive mask, Deadpool’s eyes lit up. It wasn’t often someone came to give him the chance to be on a superhero team, especially since no one wanted him to be on a superhero team in the first place. He knew that him being a one-man-killing machine with more dick jokes than Richard Nixon was probably why he never got the chance with the folks he knew, but now…“A— a superhero team? With SpongeBob? Me? Whilst touching myself? ...OK, I'm all ears. The Avengers rejected me so I'm interested. Gimme the deets.”
Grasping her hands behind her back, Roz said, “As you might have learned, Makima, the Control Devil, has killed Emperor Palpatine and claimed his Empire for herself, including becoming Darth Vader's new master.”
“So in other words, Disney bought out Jump? Or is it the other way around? I did pal around with 'em for a while in that Deadpool Samurai series, so maybe…”
Dawn, SpongeBob and Patrick just looked all the more confused at what Wade was babbling about, unaware of his awareness of the Fourth Wall and how he often took a sledgehammer to it. Roz just ignored his snide remark. “No, Mr. Wilson. Just a straight-up Class-F Klingon Promotion – the result of every world merging into one.”
Completely missing the point of the whole thing, Patrick interrupts. “Ooh, I love Star Trek !” Without skipping a beat, he started slipping into an impersonation of William Shatner’s iconic Captain Kirk, grossly exaggerating his movements, hand gestures, and body language like he was hamming it up on stage, all as the iconic Star Trek theme began to play. “Spock...... PUT! the...... TRIB-bles down, andhelp....... me....... Withtheship!”
Dawn, though not familiar with Star Trek to the same degree, giggled as she saw Piplup roll around on the floor, cooing like a Tribble. SpongeBob then joined in, contorting his face to match Leonard Nimoy’s, growing out pointy ears and hair, and putting his hands behind his back. “Illogical, Captain.” The two then quickly broke character and started laughing, which even Dawn joined in.
Rolling her eyes at the others’ immaturity, Roz continues talking to Deadpool. “Now, Makima's assembling her own supervillain team to hold on to power. And as if that weren't enough, we've caught wind of another team of supervillains to stand up to the first one, led by Hades and Beast Megatron. We're always watching, so the CDA has authorized us to start up our own team of heroes to counteract these threats and save the multiverse. Are you with us?”
Holding out her hand, Wade shook it without hesitation. “Well, why do you even need to ask? Fuck YES I'm totally in!”
“Excellent. Welcome to the team, Mr. Wilson.”
Deadpool then turns back to you, as you nervously wait to hear what he has to say. “So first Marvel Jesus, and now TV Tropes Jesus... Wow, guess I'm attracting the "Chosen One" cliché like me to a chimichanga stand. Or horny nerds to a Deadpool movie.”
But then Roz handed him a giant stack of paperwork, which he promptly groaned out with the moment it hit his hand. “First, we have some paperwork for you.”
All Wade did was let out a very loud “FUCK!” Again, SpongeBob and Patrick only heard dolphin noises, and Dawn quickly covered Piplup’s ears again. Roz made no movements as Wade just dropped the stack and said, “Forget the paperwork, Gardulla (total obscure Star Wars reference; you’re welcome nerds). Heffer and Broadway over there just gave me a wild idea towards your next recruit, not in the least since King Choo Choo Boy happens to be one of the biggest Star Trek nerds on the planet. You want to screw Makima over worse than when Denji sliced her up mafia style and served her up raw enough that it would have made Gordon Ramsey lose his shit? You gotta bring in the guys from the future that would make her shit her pants.”
“That’s kinda silly, Wade!”, said Dawn. “I don’t know much about Star Trek, but they’re in the future! It’s not like they’d be in 2024. Are they?”
“Actually, he’s right,” said Roz. “To our surprise, the CDA detected a Constitution Class starship in operation above Earth when we first learned of the merger. Registration: U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701 .”
Patrick and SpongeBob’s eyes lit up with glee. The pink starfish said, “The actual Captain Kirk is here?!!!!!!!!”
This even stunned Dawn for a minute. “Huh. Well that’s a surprise. How’d a starship from the 23rd century end up in our time?”
Deadpool put his finger over Dawn’s lips and said, “Ah, ah! Save that surprise for the next chapter.” He then starts digging into his bag, and pulls out some sort of doohickey. “Reed Richards, you fucking genius.” Kissing it, he says to the others, “Lucky for you, I managed to score this teleporter frequency doohickey from the Fantastic Four themselves; something of which I totally did not borrow from their lab when they weren’t looking, and something I was not gonna sell on eBay in case First Steps managed to be a smash hit when it comes out in 2025. (Spoiler alert: it did.)”
To most of the others’ confusion, he randomly started mashing buttons. “Now how did this junker work?” He kept jamming at it, trying to find the right frequency like he was raging in the middle of a gaming match, but somehow he managed to connect to the Enterprise’s transporter frequency. “AHA! Gotcha! Man, Scotty really needs to up his security.” He then stood there, puled out a cheap flip phone he bought from Walmart, opened it, and spoke into it like it’s a communicator. “ Ent–erprise . Four to…beamup.” Patrick looked at him funny, wondering why his Shatner impression sounded so weird. “Ah, save it. It’s a Canadian thing. You ready to take this shit into space?”
Sighing, Roz just said, “Lead the way, Mister Wilson.” And within seconds, the entire team was beamed up to the Enterprise , with no one having any idea of what they were in for, nor do Kirk and company. But as the man himself said, that story is for the next chapter.
Breathing a sigh of relief now that they’re gone, you just hope that you don’t get dragged into yet another – OW!!!!!!
“Get the hell out of my apartment!”
Notes:
Yes, dear readers, it's true; Deadpool happens to have one of the oldest self demonstrating pages on TV Tropes. And frankly, given his propensity to demolish the fourth wall like a sledgehammer, he was the perfect choice to add to this fic as part of the Self Defense Force. But most importantly, he would know of our situation - how TV Tropes' moderators exiled our story, nearly shut down the self demonstrating index unless we cut all "non-canon interactions", and bumped everyone (myself included) off the website who protested or used the character pages to mock the stupidity of their decisions. Executive Meddling at it's finest... - chris4449
Chapter 19: Side Story 2: The Gast Cast!: Chapter 2: Bubble Bass
Summary:
Gaston takes his podcast to Bikini Bottom to do his first collaboration, only to discover his guest isn't quite what he expected...
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Noooooo…ooooone…
Yaks like Gaston
No one smacks like Gaston
No one cuts through those unmanly hacks like Gaston!
Yes you young men now have a voice in yours truly!
It’s the GastCast with Gaston!
(And LeFou!)
The scene transitioned to Gaston and LeFou, having set up shop in an entirely new locale – Bikini Bottom! Disregarding the laws of physics once again (which Gaston would probably chalk up to him eating his usual 5 dozen eggs) and managing to not only breathe underwater, but transporting their entire equipment and staff down with them, the two took their show on the road to avoid dealing with the disastrous ending their last guest left them in.
“Hello again, to all you men out there!” said Gaston. “Gaston has returned, alive and well, despite all rumors to the contrary!”
“Yep!” chimed in LeFou. “Totally not beaten by a robot!” Gaston clonked him on the head for saying something that implied even anything negative.
“Much as our critics like to say our show’s nothing but a toxic cesspool of embarrassment to the male species, our numbers disagree!” Gaston then used his smartphone to pull up the viewings of the first Gast Cast episode, itself listing several thousand hits! Though Gaston was in complete obliviousness of the obvious signs that it was strictly due to the fact he got beaten up by Bender. Meanwhile, his phone was getting all sorts of advertisements for something involving Bender, blackjack, and hookers.
Recovering from his earlier punch, LeFou got back to the subject at hand. “And it’s because of those bolstering numbers we got asked to come down here and do a special collaboration with another top-rated podcast about being the best man you can be!”
Laughing heartily, Gaston said, “That’s right! We heard there was this fish that, much like yours truly, believes fully in the dominance of the alpha male!” He flexed his muscles as he continued, “And the best part? He’s actually one of the great legends of the manosphere! Thousands of young men tune in every week to listen to his show!”
Gaston then pulled out a picture of this handsome-looking fish wearing a red tie and glasses. What the big galoot didn’t realize was that this piece of art was exactly that – art, ill-suited towards the actual depiction of the man (er, fish) he was about to meet. Clearly he didn’t watch any of the actual videos of this “Bubble Bass Reviews”. You’d think he’d have learnt his lesson after inviting Bender.
LeFou then shouted out, “Please welcome our second guest (and hopefully someone who won’t actually rob us), Bubble Bass!”
To the sounds of clapping and cheers, out walked this heavyset green fish in an black tank top that read “HE DIED BECAUSE OF WOKENESS” (featuring a picture of Henry Cavill’s Superman being strung up on a cross), brown pants, and yellow-tinted glasses. To Gaston’s surprise, Bubble Bass was not this handsome looking stud he saw in the picture, but this sloppy-looking basement dweller who failed to fit within Gaston's narrow-minded definition of manliness.
As this slob of a fish sat down, Gaston could barely contain his confusion, as out of Bubble Bass’s mouth came this very slobbery, lispy voice that spitted as he talked. “Greetings and salutations to you, Monsieur Gaston. It is an absolute delight and pleasure to play host to you in this absolutely droll and dreadful town.”
The way he talked, the still-confused Gaston couldn’t tell if Bubble Bass was being genuine or sarcastic. Then again, he never understood sarcasm, so he might as well run with the compliment. “Yes, I am pretty great, aren’t I? Which brings me to our first question: how is it that you’ve gained such an influence amongst all these talking fishes? What sort of magic do you use?”
Bubble Bass put his hand to his chest and said, “It’s no magic, Monsieur. What I have to offer Bikini Bottom is the truth; the truth of how imbecilic and pathetic the world is around them. If anything, people would rather have brutally honest truth than something to be agreed with.”
Clapping, LeFou shouted out, “Here, here! And that’s why we had to do this collaboration; Gaston and I believe men should be told the truth about how the world works – not all this slop everyone’s getting fed on the internet!”
“I couldn’t agree more,” responded Bubble Bass. “That’s why the denizens of this town turn to me to give them that truth. But they’re far too ungrateful!”
Gaston, relating to his situation, continued, “Tell me about it. You offer her everything – a rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting over the fire, my little wife massaging my feet, while the little ones play on the floor with the dogs! That was the truth about the life we could have had together, and what does she do? She runs off to live with a Beast! A BEAST! How could she when I offered her everything?!”
LeFou realized his partner was quickly getting off track. “Uh, Gaston, are you sure we’re still talking about Bubble Bass?” He looked worried as he saw the fury in Gaston’s eyes, as the hunter was far from over the fact that Belle rejected him so handily.
But it seemed Bubble Bass was fully inclined to agree with Gaston’s sentiment. “Women. They are indeed a stubborn bunch. Despite my own efforts to free their feeble minds from the shackles of deceit, they’d sooner fall head over heels for that putridly pink starfish!”
“Exactly!”, said Gaston. “We offer them everything – although in my case, I offer far more to them than you do given that I never lied about my true appearance..."
Bubble Bass took offense to that last comment. “And what is that supposed to mean?”
Taking the opportunity to dunk on him, Gaston quickly replied, “I mean, look at you! Your entire picture was nothing but a farce! You bear no resemblance to this devilishly handsome man on the profile of your magic moving pictures!” Truthfully, since Gaston was about as politically incorrect as one came (and proudly so), he was nearly about to call out his weight, but he'd learned that such behavior, even amongst his equally politically incorrect audience, wasn't acceptable, and didn't want to risk losing them. So, for once, he bit his tongue and categorized the fish internally as "a temporary embarassed bodybuilder", much like how many of his viewers saw themselves.
Sardonically, Bubble Bass replied, “It’s called artistic license; the sole result of constant rejection from the most beautiful women in all of Bikini Bottom! They outright refuse to see me as the perfect male specimen, host of the top-rated web show in Bikini Bottom, and instead run in terror at the sight of me!”
LeFou chimed in at this point with his own take. “You know, Bubble Bass, it seems to me that women just have poor tastes. Ask Gaston! The most beautiful girl in town catches his eye and she thinks he’s “positively primeval” or some malarkey like that. Heheh!” Gaston then clonked LeFou on the head for daring to say such a thing.
The big brute continued on with his rant. "No wonder nobody wants to even associate with you! They think you're really this upper crust of society, when you look nothing like you do online! What do you do – just hide in your basement making these magic moving pictures all day?”
“Yes,” bluntly responded Bubble Bass, “and I fail to see the point. Men of this age are not required to hew to the hedonistic standards of our society. Do you see how they flock to the new Superman “movie”?” That last bit he said with air quotes as he scoffed further on the matter. “To think, James Gunn believed that kindness and hope are the foundations of society…what a joke!” Paradoxically, while every fictional character existed in this new merged universe, their fictional works also existed, to the point that some characters were outright fans of others. Maybe they were treated as documentaries or filmed accounts or something.
A curious Gaston asked, “Super…man? Who is this being you speak of?”
“Oh, that’s only the biggest superhero ever, Gaston!” LeFou said before he realized who was talking to. “Er… second biggest superhero never next to you!”
Bubble Bass then snarked, “Pfft, as if he can call himself “Super” anymore. Look at what the woke mob has done to him! Cast away the god-like powers, made him vulnerable, weak – and for what? Because Gunn believes art has to be a form to express support for left-wing ideology and utterly condemn the fair and just nation of Boravia for trying to intervene in that utter slum of a country they call Jarhanpur? Snyder would have never made such a crucial mistake.”
“Less words, man! Less words!” the burly hunter interrupted. “This Superman you speak of. Are you saying his new master is making him intervene in wars?”
The fat slob of a fish responded, “Sadly, yes. This was never the case in the days of the DC Extended Universe, where our beloved heroes were gods among men, never shackled by their vulnerabilities or emotions. Batfleck was a dominant force, Saint Gadot’s performance as Wonder Woman moved men to tears, and Henry Cavill stood amongst the pinnacles of perfection, embodying the most powerful man on the planet as he grappled with the decisions of his powers, sent to Earth to embody the living virtues of Jesus.”
“Wait, wait, are you saying Superman’s Jesus?” LeFou asked with a straight face.
Bubble Bass replied, “Only the holiness that is Cavill’s impeccable, pure, and sculpted manscape. Not the utterly forced politically correct garbage that they call him now! How DARE they end the Snyderverse! We campaigned for such a cut and they dare to end it all for the man who ruined Marvel!”
“Here, here!” Gaston said as he offered up false support, since he still had no clue whom Bubble Bass was talking about. “This James Gunn fellow has dared to make… er, what was that word again?”
LeFou replied, “Woke, Gaston.”
“Woke! That’s it! James Gunn made Superman woke! That is not the way of true men!” Of course, Gaston still had no idea what that word meant (really, nobody who used it in that context did, but tossed it out there because saying it enough made it sound bad), but anything to boost his views.
Bubble Bass then clapped his fins and said, “Here, here! We’ve made a true believer out of you, brother of the Snyder way! This calls for a celebratory feast!”
“Mmm! I could sure go for something right now!” LeFou said. “Maybe we can scrounge up a seafood dinner – Gaston could wrestle a shark with his bare hands!”
Gaston then got an idea, “Mmmmm, actually, I heard there happens to be a local tavern around here called “The Krusty Krab” or something like that. Tell me, liar – is the food any good?”
“Hardly worth the effort,” Bubble Bass scowled. “Thousands of fish line up everyday to gorge themselves at that local grease trap. And for what? Because they think it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread rather than my creative genius? Step in line and tell me you aren’t witnessing the public at its worst! Day in and day out, they’d rather slovenly devour Krabby Patties made by that…that weak-willed sponge who can’t bring himself to remember how to put pickles on an order! TWICE! And though the decorum is so old fashioned, I could hear our ancestors order food from it, they still continue to dine there!”
LeFou was completely unaware of the Krusty Krab’s reputation, or what it even looked like, so he tried to be positive and offer a solution. “Well, maybe we oughta try some of this food! I betcha it’s great!”
Bubble Bass just scoffed and said, “Sigh, if you must.” He pulled out his mobile phone and he quickly opened the Krusty Krab’s mobile ordering app. “Very well, we’ll get 20 Triple Double Bossy Deluxes on a raft, 4x4, animal style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim. And because I’m such a generous guest host, I’ll put this on my tab.”
Boy, did Gaston and LeFou have no idea about the sort of trouble Bubble Bass caused at the Krusty Krab. At one time, he racked up a tab so big, Krabs wouldn’t let him leave until he paid it off – and even then the entire group of patrons wound up paying his tab just to get rid of him! Of course, he went out of his way to open another tab just to get back at them, but it only showed that Bubble Bass was far from the most pleasant individual out there.
To Bubble Bass’s surprise, Gaston grabbed him and picked him up with his manly strength, shouting, “Not so fast, liar! We're gonna make you speak the truth for once! LeFou, grab the eggs!” LeFou quickly responded to Gaston’s request as the big fish cried out.
“PUT ME DOWN! Do you have ANY idea what you’re doing?! I am the most influential fish in all of Bikini –”
Before he could finish, Gaston slammed him down into a door frame...and then began repeatedly slamming a door into his face! As Bubble Bass found himself caught in an unpleasant situation, Gaston was quick to turn it around in his benefit. “Haha! You see, dear viewers, our friend Mister Bass is being made to expose his own truths! To ensure he finally gets the woman of his dreams, we’re subjecting him to THE GASTON METHOD !” A giant textbook flashed right over his head, with explosions, an electric guitar riff, and massive eagles flying right next to him as Gaston took the opportunity to flex his muscles.
Ill-caring of Bubble Bass’s predicament, Gaston rattled on. “Young men everywhere are looking to become ruggedly handsome, but have little motivation! That’s why the Gaston method focuses on ensuring everything in your body is worked all at once! You’ll be able to build yourself up into the ultimate fighter as you literally fight for survival! One day of this, and you’ll start to notice results in no time!”
“HELP OW SOMEBODY! OW! HELP ME!" Bubble Bass yelped out in pain and Gaston kept slamming the door into his face.
Once again, Gaston continued onward, showing a picture of Handsome Squidward next to his original image. “It can work for this loser, it can work for you too! So call the number on your screen now and you’ll see what sort of man that the GastCast can make you! With THE GASTON METHOD !”
LeFou then popped up on the screen and starting Rattling Off Legal. “TheGastonMethodisnotresponsibleforanyseriousinjuryordeathanyefforttosueGastonincourtwillresultinhimthrashingyoulikethewildmangyanimalyouareTheGastonMethodisavailabletoeveryoneages18orolderallmajorcreditcardsaccepeted.”
And the Gast Cast came to a close as Bubble Bass was once again left screaming for mercy, his situation not changing in the slightest, while LeFou just gathered up a large bowl of eggs to feed him when this was over. All the while, Gaston flexed his biceps again as he chuckled heartily.
Notes:
Ah Bubble Bass — Bikini Bottom’s least favorite guy all around. We’d been wanting to tackle this jerk for a long time, so once our little GastCast idea got underway, it didn’t take long for him to be made one of its guests. What changes we did make during the writing process had to do with one key aspect of recent media: Superman. When the new movie came out and a certain subsect of toxic fans began dunking on the movie for its hopeful and optimistic message, Bubble Bass was made one of them, and it helped really add more to his story. But don’t worry, we aren’t done with him yet! - chris4449
Chapter 20: The Final Frontier
Summary:
Before the merger began, one name charted the stars - and bore witnesses the beginning of a new frontier.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Stardate: 79 2024.4.
Time Period: 2270.
Location: Federation Space, Sol System. Star Trek Universe
10 Minutes Prior to M-Day.
In the thick blackness of space, there were only stars, shining billions of miles away to represent the many distant galaxies and worlds occupying the final frontier. Some were known to man, others had barely been seen with the naked eye. Truly, there was no greater a beauty than that of the grander universe.
But even such beauty could not be seen from a distance. For eons, humankind has destined themselves to reach the stars by any means they can. In 2024, where the story began, humans have only begun to scratch the surface.
Before it all became one. Before everything we all know was merged into a singular universe – one such reality found that means.
The vastness of space soon felt a lot less lonely as a giant blue flash appeared in the skies above Earth. And within seconds, a true legend emerged, slowing down to a more manageable speed as she gleamed under the rays of the sun.
Her bow – a giant saucer no doubt influenced by the science fiction stories of old – rested proudly on an angular neck, itself attached to a cylindrical secondary hull that hosted a satellite-style deflector dish at the front. Strutting out of it were two massive pylons, stretching above the saucer, holding two smaller cylinders. Capped at the front of them were two glowing domes, burning bright reddish-orange as a fan-like mechanism swept inside at a constant pace. Two caps at the rear protected the ship’s engines.
On top of the saucer, there were only a handful of words to identify her – U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701.
The old Constitution-class had seen her fair share of action since she was first brought online in 2245 – one of 12 identical ships built, but the only one to be carrying on a significant legacy. Nearly a hundred years before she was constructed, the Enterprise NX-01 under Jonathan Archer had given humanity their first true gateway to the stars, charting previously unexplored regions of space and forging the most unlikely of alliances along the way. Through the Xindi and Romulan Wars, the United Federation of Planets was forged in an alliance between humanity, Vulcans, Tellarites, and Andorians. The old NX class would be retired to serve as the first in a Fleet Museum (one that’s slowly been expanding to include the Pioneer and soon the New Jersey), while Archer would live on as an Admiral before he died the day the Constitution Class came online. With his journey over, another would begin in earnest.
Under the command of Robert April, the Enterprise would make several first contacts that earned the man a great deal of respect amongst the upper echelons of Starfleet. His first officer, Christopher Pike, succeeded him in 2250 after the first five year mission concluded, and he forged quite an impressive legacy of his own. From the discovery of Talos IV to the mystery of the Red Signals (albeit onboard the late U.S.S Discovery ), even encountering time travelers from a future ship called the Cerritos and some bizarre musical spatial anomaly, his natural charm had made him a favorite in the command chair.
But even favorites must step aside, for there are others better suited for the right job. Unbeknownst to most, Pike had a destiny to fulfill – a destiny he foresaw on the Klingon moon of Boreth, forced to seal his fate as a crippled man trapped in his own body in order to save the universe from total extinction. And in time, as that fate neared, he felt there was only one man for the job to succeed him. That man, as it so happened, was James T. Kirk.
In 2265, after Pike was promoted to Fleet Captain, he transferred command to Kirk, the youngest officer ever to obtain the rank of Captain at the time. The son of former Kelvin First Officer George Kirk, James Kirk was a man of great ambition, skill, and one who was never hesitant to take great risks for the sake of his mission. Many had assumed he would be a natural fit for the chair of Starfleet’s flagship, with the distinctive irony that his older brother, Sam, had previously served as part of her science team.
What was unknown to all parties aside from Pike, now resting comfortably in the mindscapes of Talos IV, had foresaw that humanity would encounter their old foes, the Romulans, a few years after his promotion. Had he stayed in charge, the Romulans would have gone to war and nearly wiped out Starfleet, all because he tried to avoid his destiny – and worst of all, his science officer and dear friend, the Vulcan named Spock, would have been subject to that very fate in his place, rendering peace with the Romulans impossible. The Enterprise didn’t need a boy scout; it needed a cowboy.
So that incident would come and go, as Kirk charted his way across the galaxy, making numerous first contacts, diffusing many wars, discovering all sorts of new species and elements, and answering many age-old mysteries that Starfleet has long since had about the universe. Within the span of five years, he had elevated the Enterprise into the status of a legend that other crews would bust their butts off trying to serve on. It was dangerous work, to be sure, and casualties were abound, but as the man himself would say, “Risk is our business.” The old 1701 was the gold standard, and trustworthy down to the last man.
Which is why, today of all days, she was coming home.
“Captain’s Log: Stardate 79 2024.4. The Enterprise has been called back to Earth under dire circumstances, with reports of an unidentified wormhole forming just outside our atmosphere. With the latest in Starfleet technology, we believe we can identify this phenomenon and determine if it poses a threat to the planet.”
Concluding his Captain’s log, Kirk shut off the recording device as he looked out at his bridge. The old command center, immaculately kept as ever, was abuzz with activity as his officers were looking over every nook and cranny of this strange anomaly from the initial telemetry sent by Starfleet. The viewscreen was beeping as the large, blue glow over Earth was in plain view, blocking the picturesque appearance of that great big marble most of the crew called home. To his fortune, Spacedock was well out of the way, and other Starfleet ships were keeping their distance to avoid being sucked in. Better to risk one ship than a dozen, thought the Captain.
At the navigational controls, Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu and Ensign Pavel Chekov were hard at work keeping the ship steady. Sulu, a San Francisco native and one of the best pilots in Starfleet, was maintaining a straightforward course, his gaze on his target not shifting even an inch. Meanwhile, the ever-eager Russian was humming a traditional tune from his homeland while he kept close watch for any unexpected anomalies. Kirk looked upon his crew, letting off a little smile at seeing them maintaining that sense of professionalism without being too straight-laced in their duties. They were among the best, but he certainly didn’t expect them to be robots.
“Mister…Sulustatusreport?”, the Captain spoke in his famously hammy speech pattern.
“All instruments operating within normal parameters, Captain”, spoke the helmsman. “No sign of any negative effects from the anomaly.”
Chekov spoke up soon after. “Astro-navigational sensors are in vorking order, Kaptain. She’s holding steady.” He smiled, his boyish, Russian accent doing little to hide his enthusiasm.
Still, everything was running smoothly so far. Better than the typical gloom and doom one of these anomalies caused, though far be it from Kirk to be too risky.
Kirk rotated his chair to face the science station. “Mister Spock, what - do your initial, findings, suggest…on this matter?”
Poking up from his periscope, Spock, the ship’s Science Officer and the oldest veteran currently serving on the vessel, turned around to face his superior. “Initial telemetry is matching what Starfleet had provided to us earlier when they sent the General Distress Signal. I would advise that we approach the anomaly at a closer distance before making any further assumptions.”
Quick to the point, as always. That’s what Kirk could appreciate about Spock; his efficiency was second to none. One almost forgot that he was partially human, raised on the planet Vulcan by a human mother and a Vulcan father who was a prominent ambassador. He was always struggling with his emotions as a child, not helped by his peers picking on his other half. Spock always did try to push through for his mother’s sake, but he never truly belonged in a world that couldn’t accept him as he was. In Starfleet, much to his father’s objections, Spock could be himself. Not human, not Vulcan – just plain old Spock. Nevertheless, it was that cold, calculated logic that granted him the means to keep things running smoothly. If Kirk had his way, Spock would have his own command someday, though he knew his friend had no desire for such a position.
With the recommendation in mind, Kirk turned back to Sulu. “You heard…Misterspock, Sulu. Take us in closer, but – not, too, closemindyou.”
“Aye sir. Approaching within the safest distance possible.”
The Enterprise drew in closer to the anomaly, the ship’s shields slightly straining as she was hit by gravimetric sheers. Nothing too serious, and far from what the crew would normally encounter, but just enough that the old Constitution Class rattled. Kirk could see over at the engineering station, Scotty was looking over the status alerts with a fine-tooth comb. The old Scotsman sensed his commanding officer was no doubt looking for a status report, so he quickly turned around and said, “Just some minor strain on the shields, sir. No damage detected so far.”
Kirk could almost hear Scotty was relieved. Since Montgomery Scott joined the Enterprise crew in 2261, saved by Captain Pike after the Stardiver was destroyed by the Gorn, he had made the ship like his own child. Once, he swore that he could tell how she was feeling just by listening to the rumbling in her deck plates – a claim Kirk had no doubt of.
Wanting to assure his engineer, Kirk said, “Keep a close, eye on those…readings, Mister Scott. Don’t want to – damagetheshipbeforewerefithernow, do we?”
Scotty turned back to his instruments as Kirk looked out at the anomaly. The large, blue glow had an almost hypnotic suggestion to it, as if someone had cast a siren of old from the Greek Myths and let her sing forth upon reality. Though as Kirk recalled from his days as a boy, sirens usually led sailors to their deaths, and his ship was one such vessel he hoped would be spared that fate. Especially since Scotty had been working so hard on that refit design…
The glowing lights cast themselves over the Constitution-class, reflecting off her hull while Spock was quick to gather new data. Shields were holding, though the ship was still rattling a bit. The crew kept to their nerves as Sulu and Chekov held the old girl steady, though knowing Sulu, he was hoping something didn’t come out the other side intent on wiping them out. Somewhere in the back of Kirk’s mind, he hoped the Klingons or the Romulans hadn’t found a way to create stable wormholes deep into the heart of Federation space, but no signs pointed to that possibility.
The turbolift doors wooshed open, and out stepped a middle-aged man in a blue tunic, clad with the delta of Starfleet’s Medical division. A sour look on his face confirmed this was indeed Doctor Leonard “Bones” McCoy, the ship’s Chief Medical Officer, no doubt stepping out of his office to see what the hell Kirk was doing in rattling the ship around. Either that or he was bored with little to do in sickbay.
“My god,” McCoy said. “It’s right on our doorstep. Tell me you’ve figured out if that tear in the fabric of space isn’t some omen.”
Letting out a slight chuckle at his friend’s worry, Kirk said, “Ican…assure you, Doctor, that there’s been - no, sign, oftroublesofar. Our mystery anomaly is…just that – a mystery.”
Shaking his head, McCoy responded, “It’s mysteries that worry me. Get us any closer and I’ll have to start treating the crew for vertigo.”
Without skipping a beat, Spock spoke up from his station. “There are no indications that this anomaly is causing any adverse effects on the health of the crew, Doctor.” He briefly turned up to address his comrade. “Our initial scans are certain of that.”
“And what are your scans not certain of, Spock?” responded McCoy, a twinge of sarcasm in his voice.
“Simply put, your particular set of skills are thus far not required,” the Vulcan said in his usual dry wit. “However, if you would like, I could suggest we approach the anomaly at a closer range if you have no additional work ahead of you today.”
In a huff, McCoy said, “Boredom is seldom a doctor’s concern. Besides, I was just making sure you did the opposite of what you suggested.”
“In that case, Doctor, I am pleased to report that we are gathering enough data at our current distance.”
Kirk, amused by the typical banter between Spock and McCoy, decided to put a pin in it before they got any further. “And what data, can, youconfirm?”
Responding in earnest, Spock said, “Only that I cannot confirm anything aside from a single theory.”
Confused at Spock’s response, Kirk asked, “But you said youwerereceivingdata.”
“I am, Captain. However, the data I am receiving does not match anything within our known parameters. Simply put, this anomaly is unusual in that there is no record of anything matching within our known galaxy.”
A sense of unease fell over the crew. They were used to all sorts of strange things, but this? Something from outside their galaxy appearing over Earth? Now this was the sort of news they didn’t need to hear.
McCoy spoke up. “Are you saying this thing is from another universe? Then how come Starfleet’s initial scans didn’t pick up on that?”
Spock gestured to McCoy and Kirk to look at his computer. “Starfleet does not have the same level of sophistication as the Enterprise. Their scanners are impressive, though not nearly as impressive as the upgrades we have received or otherwise installed over the years under Mister Scott’s supervision.” He then turns on a screen, showing the initial telemetry. “This is the initial batch of data Starfleet sent us several hours before we arrived, carried out from standard patrol ships.” He activates the other screen, showing the data they received. “These are the scans we took moments ago. You will notice that the data filtration systems on Enterprise were able to bypass much of the typical redundant information that the other ships received in abundance. The fact we found this information is remarkable in and of itself – and of a plausible concern.”
Sighing, Kirk, figuring something was up, asked, “And that concern is?”
Continuing, Spock said, “The fact our systems filtered out data from our universe, whereas the other vessels could not, suggests that this anomaly is in the process of absorbing our universe right from the source. Worst still, it would appear Earth is the center of that source.”
The rest of the crew looks on in shock. Even Sulu and Chekov break away their gazes from their stations to see the other’s reaction. “Bozhe moy”, spoke the young Russian, his nerves becoming more apparent by the moment.
“Sir, if I may?” The angelic voice came from Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, stationed at her seat at Communications. She turned around, her earpiece still firmly in place, as she looked at the Captain.
Kirk gazed back at her, responding, “Go ahead, Lieutenant.”
Nodding in affirmation, Uhura said, “If Earth is at the center of this anomaly, wouldn’t it suggest that we’re dealing with the Central Universe theory? If I remember my astrophysics correctly, it’s been theorized by scientists for decades that Earth’s always been “the core” of each universe it exists in.”
Responding nearby, Doctor McCoy said, “Well certainly, my dear Lieutenant; it’s been theorized since as long as mankind existed!”
Continuing on, Uhura further explained her theory. “Then maybe whoever – or whatever – created this anomaly may have the same idea. It’s possible this unknown party could be trying to prove something. And if Mister Spock’s correct about it not being from our universe, then it’s possible we could communicate with it somehow.”
Speaking over from his station, Scotty added, “Ah wish ah could say that’s likely, lass, but lest we forget that beast don’t seem technological in the slightest. Far as ah can tell, there ain’t a communications beacon anywhere.”
“That we know of, Mister Scott.” spoke Spock. “Besides, it is likely that this dimensional anomaly may in fact have such capabilities. We still do not know what this possible dimension may be like, let alone if it has the sophistication to incorporate technology within this apparatus, but I am convinced it may be prudent to make an attempt.”
“I…wholeheartedly agree, Mister Spock.” Kirk then turned to Uhura. “Lieutenant, raise whoever’s on the – othersideon, all, frequencies.”
“Aye, sir.”
Uhura then turned back to her station and opened up all the hailing frequencies. “Unidentified party, this is the U.S.S Enterprise , come in please. This is Enterprise, please respond.”
So far, nothing. But Uhura was nothing if not intuitive. Spock had seen it firsthand when she joined Enterprise as a cadet in 2259, being the only one fresh out of Starfleet Academy to get this prestigious posting. Despite her own uncertainties and work/life balance troubles, she rose to the occasion more than once and took to her station like no other. Even Kirk had witnessed this extraordinary side of her during a joint mission shortly after he got his First Officer position on the Farragut. It seemed almost yesterday that the young Ensign managed to stop Starfleet from killing a horde of alien lifeforms they had no idea existed – and in turn, she was the one who introduced him to Spock, the man who would become his trusted friend.
Kirk could hear she was still trying, checking over every data band to see if there was something subtle she was missing: a soundwave, a vibration, anything that could clue them in to this unknown party. Even Spock seemed intrigued (or fascinated, as the case is usually with him) by this possible theory, as he combed over the scans further just to see if there was something that could corroborate their theory.
Looking to his left, he could see Bones was more concerned than ever. “What’s the matter, Bones? Not…lookingforwardto – extradimensional company?”
Shaking his head, McCoy said, “It’s one thing if we came across an entirely new lifeform; it’s another if they just drop by in our space without asking.”
Letting out another dry remark, Spock said, “If memory serves, the Vulcans who made first contact with Zefram Cochrane did not seek permission to enter Earth space. They were simply curious as to how your species managed to develop warp drive.”
“And if my own memory serves, it was the Vulcans who spent the next century trying to hamper us with the whole “you’re not ready” excuse until it was us mere humans who proved them wrong.”
“A remarkable observation, Doctor,” snarked Spock, “Considering that you did not prove us wrong sooner.”
His voice seething with rage, McCoy yelled out, “You pointy eared, green blooded–”
Interrupting before McCoy could escalate things further, Uhura said, “Sir, I think I’ve found something.” She gestured towards one of the consoles, with Spock, McCoy, and Kirk walking up to look. “It was a very faint sound, but I was able to detect it through all this interference.”
“Let’s hear it,” said Kirk. Uhura complied and activated the audio file, which sounded extremely distorted. It sounded like someone was trying to say something, but the words were gargled. Uhura quickly worked to adjust the band frequency, trying to make sense of these words. After a few seconds, all there was were the soft-spoken tones of an unknown female, from distances of a great unknown.
“Open the curtain.”
The senior staff looked at one another, having no idea what they just heard. The Enterprise certainly didn’t have curtains – or was there a deeper meaning to it? “What the devil does that mean?” asked Doctor McCoy.
Then the ship suddenly shuddered like no force in the universe. The red alert klaxons wailed as every deck plate groaned like it was being torn apart at the seams. “Mister Sulu!” Just over the noise, Kirk could be heard crying out for his helmsman.
“She’s not responsive, Captain! I can’t steer her!”, cried out Sulu as he frantically tried to get the ship back under control.
Chekov was scrambling to try and right the vessel himself, but he was having equally little luck. “The anomaly is pulling us in! We can’t break free of the gravity!”
Kirk looked over at Scotty and yelled, “Full reverse, Scotty! Give her everything she’s got!”
But Scotty found he was just as unfortunate. “Ah can’t, sir! We’re experiencing cascade failures all over!”
Just outside, the Enterprise was being drawn closer and closer into the anomaly, being drawn in as just nearby, Earth herself was beginning to slowly break apart. Earthquakes rattled the planet below, with San Francisco and the mighty halls of Starfleet Headquarters being pulled up like a UFO of old. It was a nightmare scenario for Earth; the Xinid, the Klingons…they never came this close to doing this much damage. And now the whole planet was about to go under.
Back on the ship, Spock was trying his best to reroute emergency power into any of the systems. “The ship cannot escape, Captain! I recommend we put power into life support and shields!”
“DO IT!” And with Kirk’s command, the crew quickly got to work with those two systems. If she went down, at least the crew could hold out for a while. For all the good it’ll do them.
The bright blue light grew closer and closer as the Enterprise was almost consumed within its mouth, Earth now even more broken up than before. McCoy grasped the railing as Kirk issued out one final command – a command he feared may be his last. “ALL HANDS! BRACE FOR IMPACT!”
Soon, the Enterprise, Earth, and unbeknownst to anyone, the entire universe, was consumed. There was only an empty darkness left behind.
But within the vortex, the Enterprise suddenly roared to life. Her warp engines kicked in, traveling faster and faster than ever before. It was almost as if she had sensed the danger, working to make certain her crew didn’t die that day. The bussard collectors were glowing hot, the lights from the ship at their brightest, as the disoriented crew began to see glimpses. But of what?
Kirk swore he could see Earth. But he heard something odd coming from it. Almost like a vision in his head. The voice called out with a sultry tone, hypnotic, commanding. He soon saw a redheaded woman in a business suit, in what sounded like a mocking tone towards someone. He swore there was a smirk of sadism on her face. “Someone like you has no right to wish for a normal life, do they?"
And then another Earth. One in which a dark figure stood upon a rooftop, lightning flashing behind him. A large, bat-shaped emblem rested upon his chest.
And another. This one of a small man in a red cap and overalls. Kirk could hear him shouting “Let’s-a go!” as he jumped into the air, a cute little sound being made.
Suddenly, hundreds of thousands of realities flashed right before his eyes.
“Here comes the Spider-Man!”
“You don’t know the power of the Dark Side!”
“Iiiiiiiiii’m Reeaaaaady!”
“Part of that…wooooooooorld!”
“ALLLLL ABOAAAAAARD!”
“I… am… Marvel Jesus!”
“Link… open your eyes…”
“Pikachu, I choose you!”
“Throughout the heavens and the Earth, I alone am the honored one.”
“You’re a mean one… ”
“Freedom is the right of all sentient beings.”
“What’s this? What’s this?”
“Here’s some news…”
“Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
“We are number one, HEY HEY!”
“This is the greatest TV show in the world!”
“SAY MY NAME!”
“Long live the king.”
“Jagshemash! My name-a Borat! I like sex. Is nice!”
“Kris Get The Banana”
"Sonic's the name, speed's my game!"
"Let's mosey!"
"We're goin' up, up, up / It's our moment..."
“Name’s Hades, Lord of the Dead, hi, how ya doin’?”
“To infinity and beyond!”
“Call upon my name, and release thy rage!”
"I'm gonna be King of the Pirates!"
“you’re gonna have a bad time.”
“That’s that, and this is this.”
“I like your attitude!”
“Hear that, Noah? Lanz wants something a bit meatier.”
But one line stood out the most. “I don’t need a weapon. My friends are my power!”
So many worlds…so much information to process. Kirk was on the verge of passing out, his eyes barely able to see and hear all this. His crew was already unconscious. Within seconds, he was near that point, but all he could see was just one last glimpse of a world he somehow felt was the key to all this. In that last moment of consciousness, he saw a woman in a black dress, wings on her head, and a blonde man standing next to her. He couldn’t see who they were, as they were standing from the back, but he could sense there was dread within them. Almost as if they were seeing what he was seeing.
At that moment, he heard one more line, spoken by a man with a British accent.
“I’m really feeling it!”
And then everything then went black.
“Initiating system reboot. Power levels restored. All functions normal.”
His head splitting like a Klingon drove a Bat’leth through it, Kirk recognized the sounds of the ship’s computer system. He swore, the moment he got back to spacedock, he was having that damn robotic voice replaced with something a lot more soothing.
He sat up from his chair, his vision blurred as he could just barely make out the usual bridge sounds. What he could make out was Doctor McCoy was standing over him, his medical tricorder scanning every inch of the Captain’s body. Kirk groaned as his vision finally came to. “Bones…”
“Well, look who’s finally awake,” snarked the CMO. “Guess you musta taken the brunt of that joyride.”
Letting out another groan, Kirk tried to sit up, but McCoy quickly pushed him back down. “Ah, ah, ah! Not one move out of you, Mister. Doctor’s orders.”
Shaking his head as he tried to fight through the pain, he muttered to his science officer, “Spock…ugh…what…what happened?”
Ever as quick with a response, Spock said, “The anomaly pulled us in. To our considerable fortune, we managed to survive by “the skin of our teeth,” as is the saying on Earth.”
McCoy growled, “Lucky is right. So far, the only reports I’ve been getting are minor bumps and bruises. Whatever that little tear in the fabric of space was, it proved surprisingly gentle on our bodies; no adverse effects. Though, the day is still young…”
Kirk was still trying to make sense of what he saw, but he knew McCoy would probably think he was crazy. Still, just to be safe, he asked, “Did…any of you…see – what happened? Imean…when we, went, through the anomaly?”
“I think saw more than enough to last me a lifetime, sir!”, responded Sulu. “I could have sworn I saw a flying elephant!”
Answering in turn, Chekov said, “How strange… I saw some puppet with a big nose. I think it vas trying to sell me somethink before some kid, a walking goat and a dragon/dinosaur thing started beating it up.”
Kirk felt relieved. It wasn’t just him then that witnessed all that. “Then what - didwesee? A vision? Some…disjointed dream?”
Scotty responded from his station. “Ah wish ah could say, Captain. Couldn’t make a lick of sense of it mahself, but ah swore ah saw that scarfed bloke in the floatin’ blue box we ran inta a while back! Cept he looked kinda different.”
The Doctor? That mysterious interdimensional traveler they encountered a few years ago? Did he have something to do with this? Something in Kirk’s gut said no; from what little time they spent with him, they felt he wasn’t a hostile threat by any means. Or maybe it was one of his enemies?
Letting out a heavy sigh, McCoy said, “Whatever that was, it felt like something out of a nightmare. I’m just lucky nobody’s head exploded from all that information overload; that kinda data was never meant to be handled by the human brain.”
“Fortunately, Doctor,” spoke up Spock, “There is one brain that is not human. Not entirely.” Returning to his science station, Spock quickly walked up to the science console, pulling up a picture of Earth. “And it is because of that factor that I have demised the cause of our mysterious visions.”
The crew turned around slowly, focusing their attention on the Science Officer. Spock continued, “It took me a few seconds to deduce the purpose of the anomaly, but I have at least figured out it was not meant to be a gateway to another dimension, at least as far as the initial telemetry concluded. Rather, it was meant to bring our universe into combination with all others.”
McCoy scoffed at the notion. “Merging universes? That’s just ridiculous! Nobody has the power to do something like that!”
“And yet there is no other possible explanation.” Spock pulled up more data. “Take, for instance, the visions. They seemed almost unreal, yet within the course of my memory is a sense of familiarity; something that should not be possible considering our circumstances.” He then turned to Sulu. “Mister Sulu, recall your knowledge of military conflicts. Is there any in particular that come to mind?”
Sulu sat in his seat, thinking about it for a minute. “Let’s see…there’s the Battle of Midway back in 1942, Colonel Green’s massacres in 2026, the Romulan Wars of the 2150s…”
“Think further on the matter, Mister Sulu. Something that seems both odd, yet familiar.”
Sulu kept thinking about potential conflicts from history – D-Day, the fall of Moscow, the Bell Riots –
“Wait…I actually just remembered something.” Sulu then got out of his chair and walked up to Spock, a hint of both familiarity and confusion on his face. “The Sesame Sieges!”
“Lad, you gotta be a bit more clear,” said Scotty. “Since when is there a conflict called “The Sesame Sieges” in history?”
“But there is!” said Sulu. “In 2024, there were six attempts by supervillains to…” He slowly started realizing what he said. “Conquer…Sesame Street..” His face then turned to a look of shock. “But that can’t be right…”
Chekov, seeing his friend in distress, walked up and tried to check in on him. He turned to the Captain and said, “Sulu is right, Kaptain. What he’s describing sounds like–”
“Fiction!” spoke up McCoy. “Pure fiction! I may not know my 21st century history all that well, but I do know that Sesame Street ’s just a children’s show! And there sure as hell wasn’t any supervillains trying to attack them!”
Spock then pushed a button, which then pulled up a “historical broadcast”. It was from the Daily Bugle, which showed a mustached man chomping on a cigar, a look of anger on his face. The byline reads, “Just The Facts: With J. Jonah Jameson.”
“SIX! Six of these super criminals decided to attack a cultural institution of our fair city! AND FOR WHAT?! Cause they think kiddy shows are a bunch of hogwash? WEAK EXCUSE! Dear viewers, I think we can all agree that folks like Makima aren’t “supervillains” so much as they are SUPER bullies; just trying to have their way because they think anyone who can’t measure up to them is weak and needs to be put out of their misery. Well, I think that the only “weak” one is the literal embodiment of control and her so-called “stans” praising the near-genocide of preschool characters who have little – if any – means to defend themselves! I don’t care if you think these kinds of characters are little wimps; YOU DON’T GO TRYING TO KILL THEM TO PROVE A POINT!”
The footage ended, and Spock turned back to his crewmates. “The broadcast footage was from October 6th, 2024. Mister Chekov, please check the ship’s chronometers.”
Chekov did as instructed, and looked down at his instruments. He turned back to Spock, a look of horror on his face. “Sir…the chronometers read…February 12, 2025.”
One could almost hear the infamous “Star Trek Sting Music” as the crew looked on at one another. February 12th, 2025… they knew this would be the beginning of the end of the old Earth, well before the planet suffered World War III. A certain controversial individual had been reelected to office thanks to the help of a billionaire friend connected to the Nazis of old, and with that, he would begin a slew of actions that further divided the country. The nation of Boravia would continue its genocide on the civilians of Jarhanpur -- wait, Boravia? Jarhanpur? -- Americans would rebel, and the Second American Civil War would begin in earnest. Then Colonel Green would begin his massacres of innocent civilians, Adam Soong would create the Eugenic humans that would soon take over the world, and 30% of the human population would be killed in the ensuing nuclear conflict. It would be a decade before Zefram Cochrane’s warp engine would come online, attracting the attention of the Vulcans. Until then, humanity would be forced to live in a disaster of its own making, continuing to live in the savagery that Kirk and company had hoped never to experience in their own lifetimes.
But here they were, right at the beginning of the term. And to their surprise, there were now characters from stories that had been almost forgotten by history living amongst them.
Kirk quickly started thinking over this. His world was now one with a seemingly infinite amount of others, and he and his ship were stranded in the past. So now everything they knew was probably gone – hell, he’d be surprised if his future was still standing. Who knows what these other worlds added to the mix.
Sighing, Kirk turned back to Spock. “Spock, if…what’re, you’re sayingistruethen – we have, to treat this…situation lightly. But if we’re here, inthepast, then –”
Knowing what his Captain was about to postulate, Spock replied, “I am not certain, Captain. Our future may still be intact, it may not. I cannot surmise that until we have conducted further reviews on what this newly merged universe has brought about.”
“Alright then,” responded Kirk. “Everyone, youhave – yourassignments. I want a full scan, of, everything you can give me; sparenodetails. Those are your orders.” And with his words, the crew quickly got to work. Still, he could see it on their faces – confusion, anger, worry – they were stuck in the past and had no idea if their friends and loved ones still existed. Even if they did, they may still very well be unrecognizable. At this point, it’s possible they might even be related to one of these strange fictional characters they only knew from historical fragments of Earth’s post-war period.
Several hours would pass by, and the Enterprise was still maintaining a standard orbit; they’d pushed themselves out of range of this unknown structure they identified as “The Watchtower” just in case the people on there got any ideas, though they did put out a friendly signal to be safe. The bridge was abuzz with activity, the crew trying to gather as much information as they could to further back Spock’s initial analysis.
From what they could gather, it was indeed the case; every single fictional franchise – including theirs, apparently – had become a singular universe, though further study found it was more complicated than that. The merger had brought over singular versions of specific worlds, including the one in which this “Makima” hailed from, but others had been merged with counterparts from dozens of others, such as this one scientist called “Dr. Eggman.” What proved to be even more fascinating was that there seemed to be some superficial connections between them, as Chekov found when he caught a glimpse of this talking plush donkey from a forest in England. Something about it reminded him of Optimus Prime, whom he didn’t meet on that particular mission, but saw through the archival footage stored on the ship’s computers.
Further study also found that there seemed to be individuals in this world who looked strangely like the Enterprise crew to a degree. Uhura took note of a LAPD police officer named T.J Hooker, who appeared to be an older version of the Captain, while Scotty found out about a secret agent named Paris, who resembled Spock almost uncannily, and a coat-wearing megalomaniac named Xehanort, who sounded like Spock in the future of their timeline . Spock himself suspected that these individuals may have been alternate counterparts to the crew, but ended up in this merged world. Really, there seemed to be almost no limit to who or what was brought over.
In fact, this limit almost seemed to extend to near identical copies of other Earths, which they detected in farther reaches of the galaxy. Unlike their universe, these alternate Earths hailed from different paths humanity took, not unlike the three alternate Earths they’ve glimpsed in their lifetime where humans either died from a plague, nuked themselves into oblivion, or kept the Roman Empire from never falling (something of which Federation scientists determined to be because of a duplicative phenomenon). Suspecting the same case, they found at least one Earth under siege by dogmatic aliens, another caught in a civil war between anti-alien extremists and those wanting to join an “Interstellar Alliance” of sorts (which Chekov was extremely uncomfortable with when he found one of the parties involved was a telepathic cop who looked like him), and another where humans employed ancient technology found on Mars to travel deeper into space.
But there were still some answered questions: who or what merged the worlds? Was their time still intact? Did Starfleet even know they were gone? And how, if possible, could they get back without damaging the timestream? Far too many questions with far too little information. It was this that led Spock back to his quarters to reflect on such possibilities. He needed to calm his mind, focus on possible answers. Lighting some candles, he began his Vulcan meditative practices, hoping the solution lay within the confines of his mind.
Before him stood a data pad detailing the recent events he gathered since the Sesame Sieges, showing how Makima took control of the Galactic Empire. Next to it was a psychological profile detailing her behavior, powersets, and other facts Spock believed could play a role in the coming days. And even next to that was a copy of the Chainsaw Man manga, as the science officer determined it would be necessary to figure out how best to defeat her. His quick analysis found she was killed off in such a story, but her status as alive in this new universe meant there could be other, more dangerous players that somehow returned.
In the confines of his mind, he imagined nothing but a blank, empty space, himself as the sole center. The darkness within, his perceived mental blocks. He walked up to them, placing the information he had gathered on those blocks, aiming for a solution. It was one of the ways his mother taught him how to process all that information; to handle his human emotions.
His mother…a momentary distraction took hold. He thought about Amanda, no doubt worried sick on Vulcan that her son was gone – if she was even still alive. His father, no doubt, would show no concern, but privately desire no less than to see his son returned. They had been estranged for so long, yet a recent reconciliation had given them a chance to see a side of one another they didn’t think possible. As Spock found, even Sarek, for all his faults, did care for his children.
He had to put the thought aside. He couldn’t think about his parents now when he needed a solution. Not when–
Michael.
Another thought permeated his mind. If the future he knew was gone, did that mean his sister was–
No, he couldn’t think about her now. He had to focus. It would be illogical to do otherwise.
So he returned to his work, trying to string out the evidence like a detective of old. All these worlds, all these characters, but so far, nothing stood out to him. The most obvious suspects didn’t have the power or capability of doing something of this scale, nor did they have the desire seeing as they were either benevolent or merciless gods. He felt somewhat frustrated – a human emotion he quickly had to control – since he felt the answer lay somewhere in front of him. But frustration wouldn’t get him the answers he sought.
Instead, he thought on the words he heard just before it all happened. “Open the curtain…”
He was soon interrupted by the sounds of the alert klaxons. The familiar red light blared as he heard Kirk’s voice over the speakers. “Mr... Spock, reporttothetransporterroomimmediately! Intruder alert! I, repeat, intruder alert!”
Rushing up from his meditative stance, Spock rushed over to the intercom system and pushed the button. “On my way, Captain.” He then exited his quarters, walking with brisk speed as he made his way to the transporter room.
The doors wooshed open, and Spock saw Kirk, McCoy, and Scotty present. The engineer was trying to fiddle with the controls, as he heard the transporter was activated somehow. But since all beaming downs had been temporarily restricted, and there were obviously no other Starfleet vessels in the area…
“Situation, Mister Scott,” said Spock.
Scotty responded, “Ah don't know, sir! One minute the transporter system was fine, the next, it just turned on by itself!” He was tempted to shut it off, but out of fear of scattering the atoms of whoever was trying to beam up into space, he resisted the idea.
McCoy was just as shocked over the matter. He hated those blasted transporters, but from what little he knew, he had a pretty good idea they weren’t self-operating. “Transporters don't just turn on by themselves!”
“I know that, Doctor! I canna explain it any more than —” He then starts getting a reading on the screen. “Wait a minute. I'm pickin' up six lifeforms materializing on the platform!”
Kirk asked, “Can you... i den ti fy them?”
“Checking now, sir.” Scotty looked in closely at the readings, as some familiar silhouettes appeared on the screen (well, familiar to the audience at least). “One human, two... sea creatures? One Mollusk? One unknown and... somethin' human, but heavily mutated!”
The familiar whine of the materialization process completed, and soon, Spock and the others were seeing these strangers for the first time.
“Fascinating…”, uttered Spock, as before him stood six individuals in completely different physical appearances. One of them was a pointy-haired slug in a red shirt, her composition made entirely of computer generated imagery. Next to her stood a blue-haired pre-teen girl and a blue penguin, both of whom were animated in the style of Japanese anime. There were also a pair of cartoon sea creatures – a yellow sponge wearing square pants, and a shirtless pink starfish in swim trunks – and some comic book-looking man in a red and black suit, heavily armed to the teeth, although the nature of the merged reality made sure that they didn't stand out too much from the crew and from each other. Good thing he took his time in studying the medium differences.
Roz, now fully materialized on the platform, spoke as Dawn patted herself down to make sure she wasn’t missing anything, and SpongeBob and Patrick started grinning like two fanboys. “Sorry to drop by unannounced, but I've been looking for your science officer.”
All the more confused, Kirk walked up and said, “Justaminute... ma'am. This, is my ship, and I'm—”
Before he could finish, Patrick walked up and started shaking his hand vigorously. “Oh boy, oh boy! Captain Kirk himself! I'm a huge fan! You know, you're a lot shorter in person than on TV.” The merger had caused SpongeBob, Patrick, and the denizens of other worlds that were normally smaller than human-sized to be scaled up, much like when they had participated in those fighting tournaments prior to the merger.
Now Kirk was even more confused about this living sea creature being a fan of him. This was certainly going to be a strange new world indeed. Still, he had to figure out why these people were on his ship. “Okay... listen, I... appreciate your enthusiasm, but youcan'tjustbargein, on, someone'sship!”
Interjecting now that she was sure she was completely intact, Dawn spoke up. “Sorry about that, but we're kinda in a rush. We—”
A red glove appeared over her mouth as Deadpool said, “Ah, ah, ah! You gave the expo with cheese man, it's my turn. To save the guy from having to wear out his fingers, I'll give it to you quick and easy. Redhead the Mind-Control Waifu killed that evil electric scrotal sac and made his asthmatic angster her baby daddy. She's got an Empire that's killing evildoers faster than Paul Maurice killed the Florida Panthers' viability, and it made not-the-Decepticon Megatron and Disney's thousandth fast talking pop culture factory team up to get other bad guys to fuck up Makima before she wipes everything out. So, we're puttin' together a team from across the multiverse, and we need someone who actually has both brains and looks — both of which we're severely lacking; no offense Grandma.” He turns to Roz as he finishes that remark, at which point she just rolls her eyes.
Dawn took offense to that comment Deadpool made about their leader and shouted “Hey!” as Piplup joined her in making a pouty face. Meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick broke out into laughter as they bounced around the transporter room, acting like total goofballs.
“Quit playin' around! This is sensitive equipment!” shouted Scotty as he tried to get the two to calm down. The last thing he needed was them messing around with his baby. All McCoy could do was facepalm about these intruders, while Kirk sighed, wondering what he should do about all this.
“If you'll just... give us, a, moment.” Kirk pulled Spock and McCoy aside as Dawn had to call out her Togekiss to babysit the two undersea goofballs and keep them from bouncing around, allowing Scotty to join his cohorts while he breathed a sigh of relief. “Gentlemen, I've heard of, some outlandish things, before, but this.......... may have topped, all of that.”
Agreeing in kind, McCoy said, “ Outlandish is puttin' it mildly. How did these people get on our ship? And what’s this about an all-out war?”
Spock offered up a response. “It is rather simple, Doctor. In the wake of Makima’s takeover of the Galactic Empire, it would seem other villains have decided to ally themselves in opposition to her, lest they be denied the opportunity to take control of this newly merged universe to themselves. It would seem that Miss Roz is leading efforts to stop them, and has recruited others to aid in her cause.”
McCoy seemed momentarily shocked. “You know who that woman is?”
“Indeed, Doctor,” said Spock. “She is Roz, no last name given: head of the Monstropolis Child Detection Agency and the Monster Energy Regulatory Commission; famous for her legendary paranoia and desire to maintain order in her dimension. Studies determined that her universe operates outside of time and space in its own pocket dimension – one resided entirely by monsters who employ their own travel technology to access other worlds.”
McCoy just sighed. “Why am I not surprised you know all this?”
Spock just continued. “There is more. I recognized her compatriots as Dawn, no last name given; a trainer of creatures known as Pokémon. The two sea creatures are SpongeBob SquarePants and his neighbor and friend Patrick Star, while the man beneath the mask is Wade Wilson, alias Deadpool. I took great opportunity to study all the individuals who occupy this new world, and recognized their presence, though I confess to being surprised as to them allying with one another.”
Scotty spoke up, asking, “So is that why she’s here? To ask us to help out?”
“Indeed, Mister Scott.” He turns to Kirk. “The logic is clear, Captain. We must aid them. Starfleet may or may not exist in this future, but it is at a much greater risk of falling to Makima and her alliance should they still remain. Or alternatively, Beast Megatron and Hades may very well enslave our allies or enemies in their quest to stop her. If we do nothing, our merged reality will pay the price of our inactions.”
“Spock, do you realize what you're asking?” spoke up McCoy. “We're explorers, not warriors!”
Spock dryly responded. “No, Doctor. We are not. But we are also sworn to protect all life.”
Kirk put up his hands to keep another potential bickering match from breaking out. “Alright, Mr. Spock, I don't think we need any more con vin cing.”
The gallant Captain then turned to the budding alliance, speaking directly to Roz. “Alright, Ma'am, you have, oursupport — but, only if the Enterprise , can accompany Mr.Spockonyourmission.”
Roz nodded, finding that an acceptable idea. “It's a deal. Makes for a nice mobile base of operations anyway. Congratulations, gentlemen. Welcome to the last hope of all reality.”
“We're still kinda workin' on the name,” chimed in Dawn.
Deadpool humorously said, “I still think “Deadpool and Friends” is the best option. Specially since I couldn’t use that in the last movie.”
Patrick responded, “Aww, but I wanted to use Super Best Friends Forever!””
“Perhaps,” said Spock, “If you stand in defense of this new universe, attempting to defend yourselves from the elimination of free will, then I would surmise you are acting in self defense. Would that not be a more prudent description?”
It then clicked in Dawn’s head. “Hey! That’s it! I like it! The Self Defense Force!”
Roz just shook her head and said, “Call it what you like, but we still have to get settled in. Captain, if you would?”
Kirk responded, “Excellent, then we're all, on the same page. Mr.... Spock, begin, coordinating, with these folks...... immediately, get them situated, with our ship, and start looking.... for any other, potential, allies, we can find out there.”
Nodding in acknowledgement, Spock said, “Affirmative, Captain. But I do have one question:” He then turned to Roz and the others. “How was it you were able to access our transporters?”
Ever quick to counter, Deadpool said, “I've got a better one: how's about you stop asking stupid shit like that, and I won't break canon and upset a million fanboys by telling everyone here about your sister and her ship's little mushroom drive, ok?”
The room was stunned with silence at Deadpool's words. McCoy, Scotty, and Captain Kirk looked at Spock, who just stood there in awkward silence. Roz facepalmed at Deadpool's slip of the tongue, Dawn looked at him funny, and SpongeBob and Patrick just kept playing in the transporter room as Togekiss had to chase them down, while Deadpool just shrugged his shoulders. McCoy, flabbergasted, then asked, “What’s this about a sister?!”
Oh boy, that would be a very awkward question. Spock never bothered to mention Michael (not that he ever talked about his family), not in the least because he feared risking disclosing her true fate, and risking penalty of treason (a penalty he himself had personally recommended to Starfleet). So for once, he had to do the human thing. “I believe the common phrase is, "I plead the fifth".”
But as the Enterprise continued on her way, now the base of operations for this newly christened “Self-Defense Force”, elsewhere in this new world, in a darkened room, a pair of eyes watched upon the old girl. The voice of a man just looks at it, and in a rather unsurprised tone, asks, "...So, what’s the plan from here on out?"
The voice of a woman then spoke out, quietly, and sophisticated. "We'll just have to wait and see. This story is merely still beginning."
Elsewhere, an imposing black castle sat atop the remains of an enormous titanic being. The woman in the black ballgown that Kirk had earlier watched as all the universes merged into one, as did the tall blond man beside her. She smiled as the experiment seemed to be a success – far more than the war-torn merged world that she had dealt with previously. Some distance away, floating above a continent formed from similar gigantic corpses, was a Japanese-looking palace suspended in the air. Another woman, this time with shorter silver hair, long cat-like ears and a white kimono watched with similar relief and satisfaction. Three people stood by her side: a tall bearded man in a blue coat, a red-haired woman in skintight, revealing armor, and a blonde woman with similarly revealing white-and-gold armor.
The woman in black then spoke.
“My friends…”
Cut to the woman in white.
“I’ll be…”
Both women then inadvertently spoke in unison despite being separated by hundreds of miles.
“...seeing you soon.”
Notes:
As one might have expected, multiple fandoms form this story, not in the least those that offer and inspire hope amongst others. For me, that choice lay primarily with Star Trek - a series that truly inspired us to find a future to be better, to reach amongst the stars and explore who we are, and to find family amongst the most unlikely of people. To bring this and all it offers into this universe has been one of my greatest honors, and I hope that all reading this will find it in the same way. But rest assured, the final frontier has yet to be fully explored, as soon, a familiar connection will be explored... - chris4449
Chapter 21: Side Story 3: The Long Road Of Discovery: Chapter 1: Red Directive
Summary:
In the far future, the disappearance of the Enterprise catches Starfleet’s attention, and old friends are sent to bring her home.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Time Period: 3191
Location: Federation Headquarters, Headquarters Class Starship, NCC-325002, Alpha Quadrant.
The sounds of friendly laughter echoed through the halls, recognized as that of two old friends catching up, as over the hustle and bustle of Starfleet Officers going about their duties, a woman in a Starfleet Captain’s uniform was chuckling at one of the remarks made by a lanky alien, dressed in formal ambassadorial garb.
“Oh, you did not say that!” said Captain Michael Burnham, doing her best to try and contain her laughter as her compatriot looked on at her, making his own efforts not to burst out laughing.
“Yes, but the ambassador, as I was told, is quite fond of such dark humor,” responded Saru. He kept on walking, his arms swaying from side to side as his stride didn’t break one bit.
Burnham just shook her head, a big grin on her face as she continued. “It’s still amazing how you can manage to secure one of the biggest treaties in Federation history after making a morbid joke!”
Even Saru had to admit that seemed almost impossible these days, but he figured he might as well roll with the humorous dialogue. “I don’t believe the irony was lost on Admiral Vance. He seemed rather disturbed it came out of a Federation ambassador’s mouth.”
“Be honest with me,” said Michael. “He laughed so hard at that, didn’t he?”
Nodding in response, Saru said, “Like a Ferengi after securing the deal of a lifetime.”
More laughter emanated from the two. It seemed so second nature to them to find this kind of rapport; something that couldn’t be said all those centuries ago when the two first met.
Saru was a Kelpian – at the time, the supposed prey species on his homeworld of Kaminar – brought into space when his natural curiosity attracted the attention of Phillipa Georgiou of the U.S.S. Shenzhou. Michael was a human, raised by Ambassador Sarek and Amanda Grayson of Vulcan when her own parents were killed in a Klingon raid. She had been brought to the Captain when it was found by Sarek that her human emotions could not be reconciled with her adopted upbringing, and quickly rose through the ranks to become Georgiou’s number 1. During that time, her relationship with Saru was rather…tense to say the least. Truthfully, he had sought a command of his own and was hopeful that when Burnham left for her own, he would get a chance to learn under the best, though Burnham herself was a bit too analytical and logical for her own good. They frequently butted heads, often to Georgiou’s amusement.
Then the Klingon War came.
In 2256, at the Binary Stars between Federation and Klingon space, a radicalized Klingon named T’Kuvma sought a war with Starfleet, believing they were attempting to destroy their proud heritage through the guise of “peace”. In the ensuing first fight, 6,000 officers died, Georgiou was murdered by T’Kuvma during an attempt to arrest him, and the Klingon died, becoming a martyr that radicalized the other Great Houses into attempting to destroy the Federation. And Michael Burnham was to blame.
Ok, that wasn’t entirely true. She didn’t help the situation any because just moments before war broke out, she suggested that Starfleet should fire first to ward off the Klingons, showing a sign of strength that would make them think twice about trying to attack. Georgiou held firm that “Starfleet does not fire first.” Burnham responded by committing mutiny, setting off a chain of events that led to Georgiou’s death. For this act, she was stripped of rank and sentenced to life in prison, forever deemed “The Mutineer”. It was not T’Kuvma who started this war in the minds of her fellow former officers, but her and her alone for betraying her Captain, and martyring T’Kuvma in a fit of revenge. Back then, everyone was content to just let her rot in jail, including Michael herself. Saru got his number one job, but it was under a much shadier Captain of questionable standing, Gabriel Lorca, on the USS Discovery. The hurt of losing the person most important to his success was enough that he would have happily put Michael out of his mind.
Yet fate has a funny way of forcing a true friendship. Burnham was brought on the Discovery as a consultant, at Lorca’s discretion. Wracked with guilt, she was just hoping to finish this war and go back to prison, believing she should face due justice for her acts. Saru, for his part, feared Michael was a danger. But as they had to work together, they found their connection was far more than either of them could have thought. For all her guilt, she showed a side of Saru he realized he had to improve upon if he wanted the chair. And Saru…well, he came to realize his jealousy was holding him back. From there on in, the two were actually friends. If Georgiou was alive to see that, she’d probably be smiling.
And those bonds kept growing further and further. Michael was able to see past her own baggage with the Klingons, even accepting that her own adoptive father was not as stoic as he claimed to be. The subsequent journey into the Mirror Universe revealed Lorca was his diabolical counterpart, leading Saru to truly prove himself a leader as he stood up to the treachery. Even with Georgiou’s Mirror counterpart – the Terran Empress – being brought back to the Prime reality, it did nothing to deter the fact that both Michael and Saru remained committed to Starfleet and its ideals, keeping the Federation from committing a horrific atrocity of destroying the Klingon homeworld Qo’Nos (or Kronos) with a planetary bomb.
Peace was forged, and the war ended. Discovery was set to move on with a new commander, Michael was pardoned and reinstated, and all seemed well. At least until Captain Pike showed up on the crippled Enterprise, being forced to take command due to a mystery involving seven red signals throughout the galaxy – all of which were somehow connected to the missing Spock. Burnham and Saru would find both of their lives changes even further, as the Kelpian learned his species were actually the alpha predators of his world, tampered down by the Ba’ul to keep them from being wiped out, and saw Saru shed his fears and gain strength he never knew he had. And as Discovery was forced to work with the morally-dubious black ops group known as Section 31, Burnham had to push past her savior complex to not only properly reconcile with her adoptive brother, but learned that she truly wasn’t responsible for her parent’s deaths as she longed blamed herself.
But such growth would be all their friends and families saw of them. Section 31’s own A.I., Control, had gone rogue and decided to wipe out all sentient life in the galaxy to preserve order. Data obtained by Discovery from a dying spheroid lifeform was the key to that goal, and in order to stop it, the ship and her crew were forced to jump into the 32nd century.
This new time, however, proved quite troubling. Life was still intact, but Saru and Burnham both found that the Federation no longer existed as it once did; its status as a galactic power was crippled by the mass-inertion of all dilithium event known as “The Burn”, costing them much of their fleet and allies. Burnham had survived a year on her own, aided by a courier known as Cleavland Booker (and his cat, Grudge, whom he held in high regard as a queen), trying to piece together what had happened. With Saru in command and Michael by his side as his first officer, Discovery found what was left of the Federation. Despite a rocky reception, they proved themselves quickly and were refitted with 32nd century technology to become the Discovery-A.
Over the course of the next two years, Discovery got to work. Despite a bump in the road with Burnham going rogue again (and losing her First Officer position in the process), Starfleet found the cause of the Burn and began to rebuild, leading Saru to take a leave and return to Kaminar to help his people. Burnham took command of Discovery as her Captain, but Saru happily returned to help when a mysterious anomaly known as the DMA destroyed Book’s homeworld and other planets along the way – all the result of a species called 10-C that had no idea of the concept of individuality. And just recently, Discovery had found the technology left behind by the Progenitors that supposedly seeded all life, stopping the Breen from getting ahold of such technology.
Saru, though, had largely left that life behind. To his delight, he found love with President T’Rina of Ni’var – the reunited Vulcan and Romulan peoples – and chose to retire from Starfleet for an ambassadorial position. While Michael would continue on the front lines, Saru kept his work going through more diplomatic channels, though he still enjoyed admiral’s privileges from his recent promotion.
Which is why both he and Michael were here, back at Federation HQ, to discuss such matters. In the wake of the Breen’s defeat, there were concerns from non-aligned worlds that the Breen might pursue a more aggressive expansion into neutral territory just to gain further ground in the wake of Primarch Tahal’s death. Saru’s job was to offer Federation assistance where possible, offering protection to these worlds – and convincing the Breen to think twice before starting a war.
Continuing their conversation, Burnham kept asking Saru about his recent work. “Still, the Admiral must be pleased you’ve been able to secure all these defense pacts.”
“It has been somewhat of a challenge,” said Saru, “I do admit. Naturally, many of these worlds are still scared of having several thousand cannons pointed at their cities, so getting through that fear is the first step.”
Nodding, Burnham said, “I know what you mean. Some of Primarch Tahal’s remaining loyalists just haven’t gotten the hint. We’ve been scraping up a lot of the stragglers for the past few weeks.”
Knowing full well that was going to please a certain Chief Engineer, Saru said, “I’m sure that Commander Reno has been enjoying the extra work.”
Giggling, Burnham responded, “Oh, you have no idea. I’ve never heard her and Stamets snarking at each other so much over the past couple of weeks.”
“Speaking of Commander Stamets, I heard that he’s been trying to get Admiral Vance to let him assist more on the Enterprise project.”
Burnham knew what Saru was talking about. A few weeks into the mission for the Progenitor’s tech, the crew came across the I.S.S. Enterprise from the Mirror Universe, trapped in a pocket dimension. Having discovered the duplicate of the ship they knew, it was to their luck they were able to pull it out and bring it back to Federation HQ for study. Starfleet lost their 1701 back in 2285, and there was little history about the Terran Empire they knew; getting their old girl back in some form and having a treasure trove of knowledge from another universe was a win-win.
Speaking about Stamets further, Burnham responded, “He’s been begging me to give him the opportunity to go over it. Something’s got him convinced the Fleet Museum won’t let him take a look at it when it goes up for exhibition.”
Smiling, recalling Stamets’ natural scientific curiosity was often insatiable, Saru concurred with that assessment. “I’m sure that with enough persistence, he’ll be able to convince the Admiral. Though I doubt he’d have as much luck getting Starfleet to let him study the Enterprise-D.”
Laughing along, Burnham then asked, “Is President T’Rina with you? I was hoping to see her again.”
“I’m afraid my wife is currently occupied with other matters on Ni’var,” said Saru. “The work of a leader is never done.” He briefly gives pause near one of the hangar bays. “But, we were both prepared for the long hours our respective jobs would require; it isn’t always as easy as we would like, but I would like to think we’ve managed to make it work.” His own curiosity on the subject leads him to ask Michael, “And what of you and Mister Booker? I trust things are going well since your reconciliation?”
Burnham let out a nodding smile. She and Book had been through their fair share of ups and downs since they first met; literally, since she crashed right into his ship. Over the first year since she arrived in the future, Book was her guide to this time, and their partnership evolved into something of a crush before it became a full-on romance. Things were going pretty well until Kwejian was destroyed by Species 10-C’s DMA, at which point his grief drove him down a dark path. He was stopped before he went too far, thankfully, but for his role in the affair, he was made to remedy his actions. The gap between the two, and their own personal fears, led them to call things off when both of them crossed paths again, but the entire Progenitors’ affair offered them both a chance to move forward with a clean slate.
“I think the only one who’s more upset about the new arrangement is Grudge,” joked Burnham, laughing at how Book’s cat was displeased at having to share the same space with Michael again. “You know how she can be.”
Saru couldn’t help but laugh, being fully aware of Grudge’s temper. “As the ship's captain, you could always order her to tolerate you.”
Grinning at Saru’s joke, Burnham responded, “If that were true, she’d be the one in command of Discovery.” They both laughed even harder at the thought; imagine, Grudge in charge of the ship! Still, it was just nice to see them being able to catch up. Distance and time may have changed their circumstances, but not their friendship.
“Captain Burnham, Admiral Saru, please report to my ready room.”
The announcement came in over their communicators from Fleet Admiral Charles Vance. The sound of his voice seemed pretty concerned about something. Responding to the hail, Burnham pushed her combadge and responded, “On our way, Admiral.” With a single tap, both of them are instantaneously transported from their current position, taking them straight into Vance’s office. The wonders of 32nd century technology made such site-to-site transport a heck of a lot easier than in the 23rd century (and thankfully a lot less painful, given the reports of transporter malfunctions in the intervening years).
Burnham and Saru were soon greeted with the sight of Vance, still as poised and professional as ever. His old sea-dog beard, trimmed and groomed, did little to hide the look of concern on his face, as did another unexpected presence: Doctor Kovich. He was standing right next to the Admiral, his face as ice-cold as ever as he adjusted his glasses. If he was involved, the situation that the two were no doubt about to hear was worse than they thought.
“Thank you both for coming,” said Vance as he gestured to his two officers. “I’m sure you can guess this call isn’t a particularly pleasant situation.”
Saru was the first to speak up. “I take it this is yet another Red Directive?”
Red Directives. Not exactly a word that Starfleet liked to hear, since such missions were of the utmost importance - and the utmost of danger to the security of the Federation. The Progenitors' technology mission was one such directive carried out, and everyone was still dealing with the fallout from that assignment. Saru hoped that the Breen hadn’t tried to engage in an act of war while he and Michael were talking.
Walking up to Burnham and Saru, Doctor Kovich interjected. “Possibly the most crucial Red Directive that we have to deal with as of yet.” He soon pulled up a holodisplay, which contained a copy of the Temporal Accords. “And it may have to deal with something I’d hoped that we wouldn’t have to deal with again.” The display soon changed to display the faces of a few of Starfleet’s old enemies - The Na’kuhl, the Suliban, the Sphere Builders, the Krenim, and the Order of Omega. Burnham’s face, ever so quick to analyze the situation, recognized them rather quickly.
“What does this have to do with the Temporal Wars?”
Now there was something that was truly a dreaded time in Starfleet’s history - one that Discovery had thankfully skipped. During the 26th century, the Temporal Accords were passed, banning anyone from using time travel to alter history. Multiple parties disagreed with such restrictions, responding by attempting to wipe out the Federation before it could grow strong enough to oppose them. Or worse still, wipe them out before they even had a chance to form. The conflict dragged out across time and space, even managing to get Captain Archer and his Enterprise dragged into all of it, before Vosk and his forces were defeated on Earth when they tried to help the Nazis win World War II. After that, Starfleet banned time travel in any form, with Discovery narrowly being granted an exception after they arrived in the 32nd century.
Kovich quickly responded. “It’s not the Temporal Wars that concerns me, but the fact someone may have restarted them.”
Both Burnham and Saru looked at each other with concern. The idea that someone was messing with time was bad enough, but after they both learned during their debriefing about what Vosk and his allies did…
Kovich could sense their concerns, so he quickly got to explaining. He then changed the holodevice’s image to that of a familiar ship, albeit slightly different than what the two officers remembered. “On Stardate 79 2024.4, Earth and everything within the galaxy was swallowed up by an anomaly of unknown origin, including this ship: the U.S.S. Enterprise.”
Saru could see Burnham’s eyes begin to sink. He knew full well what she was thinking; Spock, her brother. He was still serving on the ship by that time, even though Captain Pike had moved on and let Kirk take charge. The fact the vessel was gone, along with her crew and that entire part of space, left a lot of cause for concern beyond just her brother somehow going missing. If he indeed was missing…
Burnham had to quickly compose herself, knowing the mission required her full attention. She turned to Vance and said, “Sir, if the Enterprise is gone, along with the whole galaxy during that time, something’s not adding up. We’re still here. And as far as I can tell, nothing’s changed.”
Vance recognized her concerns. “That’s my thoughts exactly. At last check, Earth was still there, responding to our transmissions. I even contacted the Fleet Museum, and found that the NX-01 was still at her display spot.” He pulled up a live feed from the Museum showing the refitted NX class, still as pristine as ever, sitting in the docking ring. “Which means either our mystery party is trying new tricks, or potentially their alterations have messed with time in a way we don’t understand yet.”
Saru’s scientific background kicked in, recalling his own studies of the conflict. “Admiral, temporal mechanics are a particularly complex subject in their own right, but the principles are still the same. If time is altered, unless the party or parties are protected from that alteration somehow, we shouldn’t even be aware of it. Captain Burnham and I both have already been through time, but unless I’m mistaken, neither you nor Doctor Kovich have been through similar circumstances. And as far as I can tell, you both appear to remain the same.”
Burnham watched Kovich stay silent on Saru’s last observation. She knew that Kovich was really Temporal Agent Daniels, one of the biggest parties responsible for helping Starfleet win the Temporal Wars and personally had a hand in helping Archer become aware of the situation, but she kept quiet. Kovich was a man of many secrets, and no sense in spilling the biggest one. The doctor then said, “Nevertheless, the fact that Enterprise is gone leaves little room for comfort. She is what you might call a “fixed point” in that her continued existence through her 40 year history is crucial to our own survival.”
Fixed points, as they were known in some circles, deemed beings or events of such great importance, they had to carry on lest the universe literally collapsed on itself. Burnham had read the reports of the ship’s voyages since they left their time, seeing all the major accomplishments Kirk and his crew made until she was lost in 2285.
Then it hit her. If time was still intact…”Sirs, if I may? The fact we’re all still standing here, unaffected for the moment, tells me that Enterprise is still alive! Intact! She’s not gone; she’s still out there!”
Vance responded, “Which begs the question: where out there? If not in the 23rd century, where could this party have sent her?”
Doctor Kovich interjected. “That’s precisely why we had to ask you both for this mission. Find who took the Enterprise, where they sent her, and get her back to her own time. And since you two have the most personal history with the ship – you in particular, Captain – I trust you’ll find a way to set things straight.”
Saru interjected. “Sir, with all due respect, I fail to see how a diplomatic liaison is required for this assignment.”
“That’s precisely why I’m having you come along, Admiral,” said Kovich. “I can say firmly that the prior parties who partook in the last war are not responsible for this. Their prior leadership is either dead or imprisoned, the bulk of their technology is destroyed, and what little we haven’t gotten off the black market isn’t sophisticated or powerful enough to pull off an event of this scale. What few stragglers that escaped after the war ended haven’t claimed responsibility - yet.”
Pondering over Kovich’s words, Saru realized what he was saying. “You’re suggesting that there may be an unknown power in all of this.”
“One that we have little idea of who they are and how they work,” replied Vance. “Assuming we can figure out why or how they accomplished this, we have to make it clear that they’re causing a lot of harm to our time; something of which I’m confident that you can make clear, Mister Saru.”
Nodding in acknowledgment of the Admiral’s instructions, Saru watched Michael speak up with her own thoughts. “Request permission to depart for Earth immediately.”
Kovich and Vance looked at her with curiosity. The former asked, “And what would you hope to find on Earth, Captain?”
Explaining herself, Burnham said, “We have to start at the source. If there’s even a trace of what happened in the 23rd century in the 32nd century, that may be our first lead to finding the Enterprise.”
It seemed like a bit of a longshot, but Vance nodded, feeling they had to start somewhere. “Granted, Captain. Make preparations to leave immediately.”
Nodding back towards the Admiral, Burnham looked towards Saru. “Looks like we’ll have to get your old quarters ready.”
Saru let off a smile. “I’m certain that my plants would be most eager to have me back, though I trust they’ve been well taken care of?”
Burnham let off a smile of her own. “Including the swampkelp.”
“I trust no one touched it while it was in full bloom?”
“Exactly as you left it,” responded Burnham.
Appreciative of his plants being cared for in his absence, Saru pushed his combadge and transported himself back to Discovery, no doubt to call his wife and let her know of his new assignment. No doubt the crew would be delighted to have him back for a time.
Before Burnham left to go back to her ship, Vance put up his hand. “A moment, Captain.” She stopped and soon approached her superior officer. “Before you go, I have to ask that whatever you decide to do, I can count on that you’ll do what’s needed if our mystery party proves to be hostile.”
Kovich spoke up with his own thoughts on the matter. “You handled yourself admirably in dealing with Species 10-C and the Progenitors’ tech, but for the possibility of a Second Temporal War, we have to keep all of our options open. I don’t need to remind you that after the last one, no one here is eager to relive that again.”
It wasn’t a question Burnham was surprised by, but it was one she felt uncomfortable with. Extreme actions weren’t her thing unless they had to be done, but the duties of command sometimes required it. If this party was indeed a hostile force, she knew she had to put any personal feelings aside if it meant keeping Starfleet intact. She didn’t come all this way in time to lose the organization she considered her home.
Nodding, Burnham said, “If it goes down that route, I’m prepared. I hope to God that we don’t have to, but if worse comes to worse…I’ll do what I have to.”
Vance and Kovich took that as good enough, and gestured to her on her way. Within seconds, Burnham was instantaneously transported to the bridge of Discovery. Already Saru was standing right next to the chair, while her First Officer, Commander Rayner, was ready and at attention to get underway. “All ships' systems are online, ready to depart,” said the latter.
“Let’s not waste any time, then,” said Burnham, as she walked up to sit in her chair. But before she could, a loud meow came out from the seat, and she turned around to see Grudge was sitting in it, having made herself comfortable and not too keen to move. Rolling her eyes, Burnham, perhaps not entirely surprised the cat had somehow gotten out of their shared quarters and taken up residence in the captain’s chair, called for Book on her badge. “Mister Booker, I think the Queen’s not paying attention to regulations again!”
Soon after, Book beamed his way onto the bridge, walking up to grab his cat. “There you are, you little sneak!” he said as he grabbed Grudge out of the chair. “Snuck your way out of the quarters again? Naughty thing.” He laughed to himself at Grudge’s little joke, though he could see Burnham was giving him a bit of a dirty, yet humorous look. “What?”
“Book, I think we both know that Grudge isn’t supposed to be in that chair.”
Trying to contain his laughter while his girlfriend took a seat, Book responded, “Tell that to Grudge. She says the ship’s hers, she’s gonna try going everywhere!”
Jokingly, Burnham responded, “Then next time, I’ll have to get a bell for her collar.” Turning to the helm stations, she issued her first commands. “Lieutenant Detmer, Lieutenant Owosekun, take us out.”
“Aye, Captain,” responded the helmsman as she charted the course. “Clearing HQ now.”
Discovery-A soon cleared the berth as she pushed her way back, turning around to make enough room to jump. Burnham called out to engineering. “Mister Stamets, be ready to jump. All decks, prepare for Black Alert.”
The blare of the Black Alert warning came online, as Discovery began to initiate her most powerful tool: the spore drive. It was developed during the Klingon War as a means to improve faster than light travel, using the Mycelial Network to traverse space instantly. Thanks to Starfleet, it was classified after they left, and attempts to recreate it were proven unsuccessful. Now, Stamet’s personal invention was one-of-a-kind, and it was what made the ship the best first responder in the fleet.
Down in engineering, Adria Tal inserted the spores into the engineering chamber, while Stamets placed his hands on the control station. He shouted out, “Spore Drive ready!”
Back on the bridge, Burnham issued one last command before jumping. “Let’s fly.”
Within seconds, Discovery jumped. Next stop: Earth.
Notes:
The funny thing about rewrites is that there’s a lot of opportunity to bridge on previous connections not touched upon. And what started out as a joke referencing Spock’s long-missing sister wound up becoming its own side story, as no doubt the disappearance of the Enterprise would cause a lot of problems for the timeline. With Discovery having wrapped during the fic’s original history, it felt like the rewrites would allow us to bring in the characters and build upon Spock’s connection to Michael. But let’s just say the mission’s gonna lead to some unexpected places… - chris4449
Chapter 22: The Savior of Mankind
Summary:
After so long, the founder of the original Legion of Doom himself decides to toss his hat in the ring in the midst of the war between good and evil...
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The rays of the sun beamed down upon a glistening harbor, for the dawn of tomorrow had begun today in the shining beacon upon the hill of the merged reality: Metropolis.
Amongst the many parts of the universe that had been brought together, there were perhaps none more prominent than the City of Tomorrow, as it had been so deemed, since this very locale wasn’t just a sprawling example of modern architecture, a leading partner in clean energy, and one of the lowest crime rates in North America; it was also home to the superhero, known universally as “Superman.”
His story as the Last Son of Krypton – how he was sent to Earth as a baby to escape his dying homeworld – had permeated the echelons of popular culture, inspiring a slew of others to follow in his footsteps (both of the good and not so good variety), with numerous different adaptations having been made since he first graced the page of Action Comics way back in 1939. From the black-and-white George Reeves tv series, to the Richard Donner films starring Chirstopher Reeve, the animated iteration who helped open up the greater DC Animated Universe, the television adaptations seen on both Smallville and the Arrowverse , and even new film installments like the ill-fated DC Extended Universe and the more recent DC Universe, it was clear that Superman’s iconicity could span across multiple generations, with new ways to explore what it means to be the most powerful man in the universe.
But yet recent years have often forced his character to be reexamined. How could such a goofy, cheesy boy scout be so iconic when he’s such a do-gooder? Doesn’t seem like much of an interesting character seeing as that he’s the paragon of his universe, whereas his contemporaries like Batman are cut from a much darker, grittier stock, or others from DC’s rivals at Marvel have to face the struggles of (mostly) humans having become gods and trying to grapple with an ever-changing world. It’s been a question that the world has tried to crack for years now about how the Man of Steel could stay so relevant when it seems the world is no longer interested in kindness and doing the right thing – especially in today’s climate.
Various stories tried to explore it through different lenses. Smallville explored Clark Kent during his formative years trying to figure himself out, and the relationships he built and lost along the way. Superman and Lois presented him as a father, trying to raise two teenage boys with their own struggles as the world kept gunning for him and his family. My Adventures With Superman took the approach that everything about Superman was 100% genuine in his desire to do good; it was just the rest of the world that didn’t believe him. And Zack Snyder’s take tried to present him as a god-like figure, grappling with the weight of his choices as to whether or not he should do good – which overzealous fans and rightwingers quickly adapted as their preferred take on the character and twisted it to fit their points of view.
Most recently, it was James Gunn who gave his own answer to that question by showing Superman as being disappointed – perhaps even frustrated – that the rest of the world seemed to have forgotten the decency of kindness and compassion, preferring to simply let empathy and good will be treated as sins while he had to fight against… optics! To him, doing the right thing was what he felt he had to do with his powers, even if certain factions of the world believed he was an American superhero intervening in foreign conflicts. To Clark, it didn’t matter that he happened to land in Kansas and be raised as an American; Earth itself was his home, and damn if he wasn’t going to protect it and the people who lived there.
It was precisely that dedication to serving as the Man of Tomorrow that even amongst countless realities where he was fictional, the world found a true hero. So, once it all became one, it wasn’t hard to imagine how everyone felt that he was real now, able to come flying by and swooping to their rescue when he was called for.
Unfortunately, the one other aspect of Superman that was just as iconic – if not more so – was his greatest enemy…
Amongst the many sprawling skyscrapers in Metropolis, the one that stood out above all else was a giant metal and glass behemoth of a building, with sickly green glowing lines jetting on virtually every corner. Most prominent, of course, was the words “LexCorp” sprawling out on the near top of the structure. It didn’t take a twelfth level intellect to know whom this building belonged to — or how its owner felt about the Man of Steel.
Driving out of it was a sleek-looking limousine, tricked out in a slick black paint scheme, rolled its way down the Metropolis streets, a bit green “L” painted on the sides. Citizens everywhere knew that it could only mean the building’s owner had descended from his ivory tower to conduct some sort of shady business. It was something of a joke amongst local betting pools to guess where he might be going. Well, if anyone was betting on “hell” today, it’d be the ultimate payout.
With his assistant, Mercy Graves, at the wheel, a bald man was sitting in the far back, watching the city streets go by. It was certainly a different view from down here than it was atop his office, but even he had to descend from his perch in order to carry out his work, despite the fact it placed him on the same level as the rabble who occupied this town. What a difference such views could make… but all he knew right now was that he felt disgusted, as everyone and everything was far more favorable to his hated enemy. Not to himself, Lex Luthor.
The world knew Alexander Joseph Luthor by many descriptors: a genius ahead of his time, a madman, an egotistical megalomaniac, the most famous supervillain of all, a guy who apparently stole 40 cakes (and that’s terrible!)…okay, maybe that last one was a bit weird, but it was the 50s. Regardless, none of that beguiled the fact that he hated Superman with a burning passion. In fact, his mere existence was a bane upon Luthor’s own.
Exactly why those reasons varied from story to story. Some iterations that were once close treated it as a bad case of resentment from their falling out. Others simply couldn’t stand that Superman existed, being a living example of an all-powerful god amongst men, with the potential to wipe humanity out at any given time. But most of the time, it was plain, simple ego, as Luthor couldn’t stand the idea that this alien was being treated as the savior of humanity when it should be him on that pedestal, worshipped as a god and given the universe’s adoration.
Just as noteworthy was the various different takes that shaped who Lex was across the various universes. Throughout the 1960s and 1970s, he was a cackling mad scientist with zany and cartoonish schemes, notably the version played by Gene Hackman on Earth-96 and the founding member of the original Legion of Doom from Earth-1956. Other iterations, like those played by Michael Rosenbaum, tried to depict him as a tragic figure who’s terrible upbringing was something he could never overcome and ultimately became this monster. Others like Jon Cryer’s iteration were just unapologetic bastards who acted like the smartest guy in the room and knew it . The more insane take of Jesse Eisenberg…was a thing (that didn’t wind up lasting). Clancy Brown’s famous baritone was used to depict the arrogant businessman throughout numerous animated projects, inspired by classic James Bond villains. And most recently, Nicholas Hoult had delivered a take that took Luthor’s pure hatred of Superman, and made him the most vile take on the character yet, hell bent on carrying out a twisted scheme that would make himself even more wealthy and undermine his enemy all at once.
So it was to the displeasure of this world that Luthor sat in the back of his limo, staring out at the city he believed belonged to him, a composite of nearly all of his various iterations. And today, his own displeasures were made abundantly clear as the voice of Dana Delany spoke out of the mouth of his least favorite reporter on a video screen inside the car. “This is Lois Lane, live in Metropolis as tensions are escalating outside City Hall.”
Lois Lane… of all the people at the Daily Planet , she had the unique ability to get under his skin. This Pulitzer Prize winning reporter had made a name for herself not just because of the fact that Superman had an uncanny knack for rescuing her, but because writing damning exposes seemed to be her superpower. Dictators, businessmen, and other powerful men wound up having their darkest secrets exposed whenever she got involved, Luthor included. And nothing anyone did seemed to get her to back down, no matter how much was thrown at her.
This report in particular was irking Luthor more so than usual, since this was a much more… personal stake for him. “Ever since our fair City of Tomorrow was caught up in a merger of epic proportions, much has changed for Metropolis and the greater world. Not in the least, entirely new heroes once found on the pages of comics books and on the silver screen now coexist alongside our very own Man of Steel.” Indeed, a picture appeared behind her showing Superman shaking hands with Captain America — someone he’d met before thanks to some other crossover shenanigans, but now the two existed in the same world at long last.
“Unsurprisingly, as new heroes join the fray, so too do new villains intent on destroying our planet,” Lois continued as footage appeared of the pterosaurian kaiju Rodan attacking Metropolis, as Superman fought him head on. “While Superman has continued to fight the good fight against these threats, the one thing that even he’s been having trouble fighting against is the court of public opinion, no thanks to an old villain trying new tricks.”
Outside the Metropolis courthouse, a massive gaggle of protestors were throwing produce at security guards, holding signs and chanting, “DAMN THE MAYOR! DOWN WITH THE MAYOR! WE STAND WITH BORAVIA!” The protestors were pelting all manner of produce and threatening to tear Mayor Fleming, the current mayor of Metropolis, to pieces; upon closer inspection, not only was the crowd full of white-robed Kultists like the ones who attacked Misty, but also yellow felt puppets with many tiny legs -- Warmbos (yes, Warmbo was part of an entire species). “Just outside City Hall, we’re witnessing the latest attempt to control the narrative by our very own philanthropist, tech billionaire, and unashamed supercriminal, Lex Luthor.”
As a picture of Luthor appeared alongside 12 other villains — Braniac, Toyman, Bizarro, Sinestro, Black Manta, Giganta, the Cheetah, Captain Cold, Gorilla Grodd, Ridder, Scarecrow, and Solomon Grundy — stood behind Lois as she recounted Luthor’s history. “Since founding LexCorp, Luthor had promised the people of Metropolis that he would work for a better tomorrow, but that tomorrow would only come on his terms, as his company partook in multiple military contracts, backed several wars – and most recently, got his hand involved in the most tragic conflict in human history.”
“A traditional monarchy located in the Swiss Alps,” Lois explained, “Boravia has been subject to numerous militaristic conflicts, including a Civil War in 1939, and an attempted coup in 1958. But it wasn’t until the ascension of Vasil Ghurkos that it was transformed from a relatively peaceful nation into a theater of war; a war that has now spread into neighboring Jarhanpur. While Ghurkos claims he is attempting to remove a military dictatorship that is threatening his country, it’s little more than a flimsy excuse to perform an ethnic cleansing and claim the territory for his own. Of course, Ghurkos' expansionist project is funded by monied interests such as the America-Boravia Political Action Committee, or ABPAC, which pays for policy on both sides of the aisle."
She then explained, “Just recently, Luthor was caught as directly partaking in the conflict, supplying weapons and technology to the Boravians, including their so-called champion, the Hammer of Boravia, who was thought recently removed from the conflict until sightings of the infamous figure were reported within the last few weeks. Nevertheless, Luthor remains free, despite his exposure.” She facepalmed, knowing Luthor probably bribed his way out of jail.
“But as if committing numerous violations of human rights wasn’t enough, the moment Superman revealed himself to the world, Luthor was out for blood.” The footage soon changed to Luthor, wearing his iconic power armor, attempting to pulverize his eternal foe as the two clashed over Sesame Street during Luthor’s attack on the preschool series. “As sure as lighting strikes, these two titans have clashed repeatedly over the years, as Luthor’s repeated attempts to destroy the Man of Steel have only resulted in his repeated defeat and humiliation, most recently when he attempted to wipe out a beloved children’s institution.”
Inside his office, Luthor growled in the ever so famous baritone of Clancy Brown, knowing that Lois was getting a diss at him.
Nevertheless, she continued by saying, “Now, Luthor’s turned his eye to politics once more after his previously failed attempt to enter the fray in 2000 ended in defeat when popular Democratic candidate Jebediah Bartlett pulled off a surprise dark horse victory to clinch the election. ” Wait, that Jeb Bartlett was president instead of George Bush? Huh, wonder how that affected things…
“Mayor Fleming’s recent comments condemning Boravia’s invasion of Jarhanpur, and praising Superman and his allies for intervening in the conflict, earned Luthor’s scorn given his considerable stake in the conflict – including a promise of half the territory to reshape as he sees fit.”
She continued on by saying, “In response, Luthor has brought out staunch supporters from amongst his allies to demand Fleming’s resignation, as the scene in front of City Hall demonstrates. While the violence has not escalated as of yet, all of Metropolis is wondering if or when Luthor will ever decide to call off his attack dogs. We’ll keep updating this continuous coverage as more happens, but for now, we return to Superman’s efforts to stop the genocidal campaign against Jarhanpur—“
Shutting off the screen delivering that little report, Luthor sighed as he turned around and said to himself, “Oh, Miss Lane…you have a very bad habit of distorting the truth.”
The bald-headed CEO continued to sit still, his hands clasped, as he gazed upon an old campaign poster from back in the day, kept in the back of his car. The shitty thing about being merged with multiple universes is that Aaron Sorkin’s famous political drama — itself loved by the neoliberal audience (especially a certain many-legged news puppet) — had managed to outwit him at the polls still stung to this day. Though considering Bartlett’s reputation had gone downhill in the wake of further escalations in Jarhanpur no thanks to him refusing to take action against Boravia other than “writing strongly worded letters,” Luthor couldn’t help but note that his defeat turned into a new opportunity for himself…
“And to think, all that power I would have had to give up, just to be President…” Luthor joked to himself. “But I suppose politics is a dangerous game, regardless if one happens to be on the outside or the inside of the Oval Office. The difference between them and me, however, is that I actually know how to play this game.” He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a sliver of that oh-so-infamous Kryptonite he always carried around (lead lined, of course, to ensure he didn’t come down with another bout of that nasty Kryptonite poisoning that nearly did him in.
He continued monologuing, “The game has changed, though, hasn’t it? We’re in uncharted territory now, with a whole new slew of threats against our planet. More… aliens daring to set foot on Earth. It’s almost as if the power or powers that caused all this was trying to see how we would fold, knowing we weren’t the most powerful force in the universe anymore.”
“But I’m no ordinary force,” Lex boasted, as he changed the channel and took a look in on the crisis between Boravia and Jarhanpur, watching as Superman was swooping in to stop tanks from attacking a civilian shelter. “All that power in one man, and he doesn’t hold a candle to what I have in store for this new reality. He can save as many lives as he wishes; it won’t matter in the end.” Lex took out a microphone, uttered “Thirteen-X,” and a hulking, fully-armored figure – the false Boravian “supervillain”, the Hammer of Boravia – descended onto the battlefield and glared at Superman, then brandished a gigantic nodachi sword and began to duel with the Man of Steel. “Superman!” yelled the metallic brute in a filtered voice with a heavy Boravian accent. “In time, Jarhanpur will be burned to ashes, and you will know… despair. All that you cherish – this world, its people – shall come to an end.” The Hammer then snapped his fingers as dark fireballs of some sort surrounded Superman and pelted him.
Satisfied that his minion was going to keep Superman busy, Lex then mused to himself, “But I suppose business before pleasure. One cannot simply change the world by doing nothing…unless, of course, that proves to be of use.” The car then stopped, as Luthor stood up and waited for Mercy to open the door. “Thank you, Mercy. Keep the car warm for me. I have a feeling this little appearance will be short.”
He then stood in front of the Marriott Hotel Metropolis, which read… oh god… it read “WELCOME ESTEEMED GUEST, HIS EXCELLENCY VASIL GHURKOS”...
Yes, of all the insults that could have occurred in this world, it was one of the most despicable men in the modern day in the City of Tomorrow – which Lex no doubt planned just to spit in Superman’s face. But to make the insult all the more apparent, the neoliberal Warmbos and the fascist Kultists alike were gathered around to welcome the dictator, being the one thing that they 100% agreed upon, albeit for various reasons -- some overlapping, some different.
“Lo, praise Saint Luthor,” one of the Kultists shouted as the billionaire approached, doing a Nazi salute in the process. Luthor instead glared with an icy look that could freeze lava.
A few Warmbos spotted Luthor and immediately started literally kissing his boots, only for Lex to shout, “Don’t touch me.” He kicked them off, but they still kept figuratively licking his boots. “WE WOVE YOU, MISTEW WUTHOW!” one of them screamed in their usual speech impediment.
“And I love you about as much as a toe rash…” he snarked under his breath, passing by a whole slew of other corporate billionaires and businessmen rushing to join in the state-sponsored dinner – all funded by U.S. taxpayers of course. To Luthor’s absolute lack of surprise, Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark had not only snubbed the event, but the latter had even gone so far as to pay for a loaded garbage truck to stay inside the building as a “gift” to President Ghurkos.
Soon, the face of Vasil Ghurkos, the ruler of Boravia, appeared alongside… President Donald Trump? And Elon Musk? Yeah, it really wasn’t much of a surprise those three were hanging around together. And not even a few seconds in, Trump shouted, “Eyyyyyy, Jeff! GREAT to see you! Never looked better – at least that’s what people have been telling me. Can you believe it? Jeff Bezos has FULLY embraced being Lex Luthor! Absolutely beautiful; voters are gonna LOVE it.”
Luthor rolled his eyes at that comment as he shook Trump’s hand – it’s true that he was in fact Jeff Bezos in baseline reality, the Amazon CEO and founder being his counterpart there on account of numerous memes comparing the two, but the merger had seen fit to make those memes all the more real. The problem was that Trump couldn’t seem to separate the idea and kept calling Luthor “Jeff” repeatedly. Fortunately, Ghurkos wouldn’t make that same mistake as he said, “Mister Luthor, I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you have found our savior once more! Boravia owes you a true debt!”
“A debt I trust you see will be repaid in full, Mr. Ghurkos,” the smug CEO replied. “I needn’t remind you of how much I’ve invested in this little venture of ours, nor do I intend to see it fail on account of Superman.”
It was to the world’s misfortune that amongst many of Lex’s counterparts, one of the most recently discovered ones was a literal warmonger, having helped Ghurkos launch a genocidal campaign against Jarhanpur for the sole purpose of granting the dictator greater territory in his empire and committing an act of ethnic cleansing all in one. And in exchange, Luthor would get half of the new conquest to rebuild as he so pleased. To accomplish this, he cloned Superman and unleashed the clone, known as Ultraman, upon the poorer nation; while theorized to be a version of Bizarro, the clone had hid his identity as “The Hammer of Boravia”. The fact that the Hammer was back after Superman had seemingly kicked him into a black hole… someone new had clearly taken on the identity, but Lex intended to keep it a secret at the moment.
But that still beguiled the fact that in that timeline, Ghurkos was killed by Hawkgirl of the Justice Gang, having gone too far in his madness. Nor did it change the fact that Luthor was exposed and ultimately arrested. It seems the merger had kept both factors from playing out the way they did, with the LexCorp CEO running around freely, his role in the genocide not only a matter of public fact, but having gotten away with it thus far! Though that last part seemed to be the result of his new allies like Trump and Musk, the latter of which said, “Trust me, Luthor. Once we get rid of that fake Ubermensch, the place is ripe for the taking. Imagine it – luxury resorts, casinos, hotels, golf courses, tech hubs … all the good stuff for men like us.”
“I mean, why do they even call him SUPER man anyway?” Trump asked as he went off on one of his many tangents. “There’s nothing SUPER about him! He’s an ILLEGAL alien attempting to interfere in a PERFECTLY normal matter! I mean, he’s supposed to represent America, or so everyone keeps telling me, and here he is helping to protect KNOWN TERRORISTS! The guy’s a traitor, and he should be locked up and shot like one!”
As much as Luthor could agree to seeing his foe dead like that, the ramblings were starting to irk him, no matter how well he hid it. Instead, he changed the subject back to the primary concern. “It doesn’t matter how much Superman interferes in our little war. The harder he pushes back against our Hammer, the more we force the world to confer to our point of view.” To prove his point, he pulled up several news outlets covering the story – several of which he owned – but there was one in particular that stood out: t3h W4ЯmbO PoS t (formerly The Washington Post) had placed out an article that read, "M.R suP3Яm aИ doeznT' lik b0rAV 1a". For all the ways that Warmbo culture had insinuated itself into Western capitalism, you'd think they'd at least learn to spell… then again, most of the Warmbo species’ problems stemmed from them having no brains or spines to speak of (yet still somehow more brains than Barney).
“Good! Good!” Ghurkos shouted. “Just what I wanted to see! The world’s fully behind Boravia, as well as it should be!”
Trump added, “ And nobody will dare turn against you! I mean, my guys are a secure thing, since nobody dares disgrace me at all – traitors? Pfft, just drag ‘em out behind the building and SHOOT EM. Hell, we’re going in a new direction soon to show how great I am; COMPLETELY taking the GOP to the top on this one! No better an idea in my LIFE!”
“You’re especially going to love that one, Lex,” Musk snickered as he pulled up a set of white Kultist robes…oh no! “We're finally at the point where our guys can wear these without recourse from the base. This’ll be standard issue for them going forward.”
Lex simply scoffed and said, “Mister Musk, I have little care for how you choose to pursue enforcing your ways on the world. All I expect…is results. You’ve managed to deliver on that promise so far, but there is still a great deal of work to accomplish. Mister Trump, I trust that the opposition won’t stand in your way over this?”
“Like those Democratic LOSERS are gonna be giving us a hard time,” the president said. “Hell, even that anime waifu bitch MAKIMA – who killed our glorious Lord Palpatine, rest his soul – can’t stop the people who tried REMOVING ME FROM OFFICE from speaking out! Here, take a look!” He pulled out his phone and shared with him footage from the Some More News chamber, where Warmbo had taken over Cody’s seat.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! DEATH TO AWW JAWHANPUWIANS! BOWAVIA HAS A WIGHT TO DEFEND ITSEWF!” A giant image of an obviously A.I. generated Superman with a very evil expression, looking a lot more like his DCEU iteration, appeared behind Warmbo as he screamed, “MISTEW SUPEWMAN HAS GONE TOO FAW! HE’S DAWED TA BWEAK DA SANCTITY OF DA STATUS QUO AND INTEWFEWED IN A FOWEIGN CONFWICT! HE’S DEFENDING OUW ENEMY, DA NASTY TEWWOWISTS IN JAWAHNPUW, AND ATTACKING OUW FWIENDS IN BOWAVIA!”
Indeed, Warmbo’s broadcast was gaining a significant amount of traction, as Elon and Lex both were having all the major algorithms sort out any viewpoint that was more favorable to Ghurkos and force that to the top of everyone’s feeds, while anyone who wasn’t either had their coverage reduced or eliminated altogether. In fact, Lois’s story about the Boravian genocide was being purposely preempted at all the major news stations nationwide in order to keep her voice from being heard. Luthor even muttered to himself, “Right…still need to buy the Daily Planet as a gift for Eve…”
Warmbo continued by saying, “We hewe at Some Mowebo Warmbo News do NOT condone Mistew Supewman’s actions in da switghest! Dat’s why he’s going to get mowe stwongwy wowded wettews than evew untiw he weaves da awea, apowigizes, DEN WETS OUW DEAW FWIEND MISTEW GHUWKOS WIPE OUT DA BAD PEOWPE!”
But it was then that Cody stormed into the room, angry as hell. “Oh, FUCK YOU, you little felt bastard!” He punched Warmbo right out of his seat, quickly situated himself back in the chair, and then went on to say, “And here’s some more news: everything that came out of Warmbo’s mouth was pure, unfiltered shit – and I’m talking grade A, “came out of an elephant’s ass like it just ate from the Golden Corral fondue fountain” shit. Vasil Ghurkos is NOT some saintly figure to be revered, but yet just one of many reasons why assholes like him exist; because people still tolerate genocidal madmen!”
“In fact, Ghurkos is willingly going out of his way to execute billions of innocent lives for…oh, I dunno, WANTING TO BUILD FUCKING GOLF RESORTS!” An image of Mar-A-Lago appeared, with Ghurkos, Musk, Trump, and Barney the Dinosaur(!!!) shown from when the dictator once visited America. “I mean, it doesn’t matter that he’s acting like the next Hitler to our established leaders in Washington, right? They treat him like royalty!” Indeed, another image appeared showing Ghurkos being welcomed into DC by Democrats and Republicans alike, cheering as he was paraded in on a motorcade.
Cody continued by saying, to the annoyance of the actual Ghurkos, Musk, and Trump (though to the mild amusement of Lex), “The world needs to hear this plain and simple. Boravia. Is. Fucking. Bad! No getting around it! And America, YOU are just as complacent in all of this by tolerating it, so NO, you DON’T get to sit on your high horse by acting like everything’s fine. In fact, I’m glad Superman is personally interfering in –”
But before he could finish, Warmbo recovered from his knockout and scurried out, shouting, “WAAAAAAAA! BOWAVIA IS AMEWICA'S BEST FWIEND! MISTEW CODY NEEDS TO STOP SAYING BAD THINGS ABOUT BOWAVIA! DA EMPWESS WON’T WIKE DIS ESPEICAWWY!"
“Again, Warmbo,” Cody said, “Being Makima’s little mouthpiece doesn’t mean you can accept GENOCIDE as ok! Just because she’s got you wrapped around her chains doesn’t mean you kiss Ghurkos' ass like –” He didn’t get to finish that either, as Warmbo begam rabidly attacking him, like some kind of vicious animal. The camera was knocked down as the sound of sharp teeth biting into human flesh could be heard, and a “PLEASE STAND BY” sign appeared on the screen.
Luthor simply sighed and said, “And they say the news has become boring. But then again, our world has become a lot more interesting these days…as a matter of fact, I recently came across a version of myself that was… something. He wasn’t long for this world.” He pulled out his own phone and showed a picture of Jesse Eisenberg’s Luthor, lying dead on his lab table, with scanners marking the idiot as having “Unknown Eldritch Properties".
“That bearded news r****d can keep yammering his mouth all he wants,” Musk said smugly. “We control this world, we set the rules. Anyone wants to keep yapping their mouths off, we just get rid of them.”
But Lex’s ego quickly kicked in and said, “Correction, Mister Musk. I control this world. Or soon will. The fact still remains that much of this plan wouldn’t have been set into motion had I not gone out of my way to think of it. Nor does it negate the fact that much of the resources have been provided by my company. Jarhanpur is only the beginning; once we’ve dealt with our Man of Steel problem, there’s still many more countries that require… alteration .”
“Luthor, BELIEVE ME, we are going to make America EVEN GREATER than we have before! No reason to doubt me – people always know I KEEP my word – because Earth is gonna be seeing our way is the ONLY way!”
Ghurkos then said, “Correction. You mean America and Boravia. Never forget who your allies are, Mister President. Especially ones as beloved as us.”
“I couldn’t have put it better myself, Mister Ghurkos,” Lex said as he clasped his fingers. “Still, I needn’t remind you all the reason you’re all still enjoying some semblance of power is because of my willingness to see this through. I certainly hope you don’t forget all that – especially you, Mister Trump.” Wait a second… Lex helped elect Trump? But wasn’t Makima the one who helped Trump get elected?
But then Trump shot off his big mouth again and said, “I think you mean HYDRA helped me enjoy my semblance of power, Jeff! I should know because I – DONALD J TRUMP – have the best memory in the world, just like my doctors said!” Now it was HYDRA who helped him get into power?
“Ahem!” Musk interrupted. “I don’t think we want to discuss our business partners in public, now do we?”
Ghurkos laughed and said, “You are all too paranoid! We are the ultimate power in this universe! We can say or do whatever we want without consequence! Damn the poor!” Kultists and Warmbos alike raised their glasses in cheering.
“At least one of you is making sense,” Lex muttered to himself before he continued. “Rest assured, the Hammer of Boravia will prove more than a match for Superman. And should he choose to escalate this conflict, we shall simply do the same. That much I can guarantee.”
Donald then said, “SPEAKING of guarantees, I’m starved. We need some damn good food – FINEST food in Metropolis, or so that’s what people are telling me. I mean, hell, my very special guest – a very GREAT guest – is already loving it.” He then pointed to the table where… BARNEY? Yeah, BARNEY was there, ever so stupid, ever giddy, as he was eating dinosaur chicken nuggets he’d ordered from the kids menu, crayons splayed all over the place as he was drawing some very crude images of ghosts.
"Thank you for inviting me out to dinner with the Ghost Club and your other friends, Mr. Trump. These dinosaur chicken nuggets are super-dee-duper! Look, this one looks just like me!" the doofus said as he held up a T-Rex shaped nugget. Oy, of course that idiot would think a literal racist group was a bunch of ghosts.
But as sure as rain fell and grass grew, a long-legged walking star uttered in his crispy voice, "That's because it is You". Barney then turned into a giant T-Rex chicken nugget as Starwalker grew a visible mouth and ate him. Watching from the rafters, Pain and Panic screamed in frustration, as usual.
“THAT WOKE-ING WALKING STAR DESTROYED THE GREATEST THING IN HUMAN HISTORY – THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER, IF I MIGHT ADD!” Trump groused, looking especially pissed over Barney’s death. Ehh, no surprise that the most repulsive human being on Earth had an affinity for the most repulsive creature overall on Earth. “ARREST THE TERRORIST!”
Starwalker, however, didn’t care. He only stared at Trump and said, “You Nazis keep Pissing me off…I’m the original Starwalker” He then smoothly walked out of the room as he was being chased by security.
Luthor grabbed Trump on the shoulders and said, “Ignore him. Tonight is a different night; not to mourn the loss of one fool, but to celebrate the success of one man – Vasil Ghurkos! To the future! And to OUR victory!”
“Praise to the name of Vasil Ghurkos, in the glory of His majesty Donald J. Trump, the one true President, and that of our Elder God, Shupri’Coa,” a Kultist that was clearly Marco Rubio uttered, while the rest of the Kultists chanted in some Latin tongue, and the Warmbos just kept kissing his boots.
Luthor smirked at seeing such staunch support for his little puppet…but internally, he wanted out of there first thing.
It wasn’t long before Luthor quickly excused himself on the grounds he had a business meeting to attend for LexCorp. Truthfully, he wanted to get out of there as fast as he could, refusing to stand the egofest all the more. “Pfft, morons…” he uttered to himself as he walked over to his car, got inside, poured open a bottle of scotch, and downed a glass in no time. “I swear, these meetings are getting a lot harder to sit through…every day, one of those three idiots finds something even stupider to utter!”
Lex had suffered many things over the years, but fools was one thing he especially couldn’t stand. As the smartest man on the planet (at least in his mind), being forced to contend with a silver-spoon fed moron and some “genius” whose own inventions couldn’t even last five seconds without blowing up just drove him nuts most of the time. He swore, the moment those two would no longer be of any use to him, he’d drop them like a hot potato and find someone a bit more competent to work under him. Vasil Ghurkos, at least, was a bit more up to speed, even if he did look like he was about to croak at his advanced age.
Still, the three of them at least stood united against Superman, so that had to count for something. But at this stage in the game, something wasn’t enough; the Man of Steel was still alive, interfering in his business, making the better world he wanted on his own terms look less and less likely by the day. No, what he needed was something more to put his foe in the ground. Someone else who would be keen enough to share in his vision.
He recounted Warmbo’s broadcast about Boravia and Jarhanpur, and how the eldritch creature had brought up his Empress, which made Luthor utter, “Redheaded bitch.” Already, that put that idea out of the question – but it did inspire him to offer up a consideration regarding the other team out there. Word had already spread of the Control Devil’s opposition, and he made it a habit to know what his competition was up to at all times…
“Alexa, contact the Underworld,” he spoke to the virtual assistant. “It’s time I had a chat with Lord Hades…oh, and have my associates join us in the car. I do believe it’s time they had an opportunity to prove themselves.”
A few minutes later, the limousine had left the hotel and was on its way to downtown, though it had to make a quick stop back at LexCorp HQ. Once it emerged and drove its way down towards the financial district, a young woman sitting in the car said, “Father, I’m pleased you let me come with you.”
Father? Lex Luthor? Actually, it wasn’t out of the question, seeing as Luthor did have his fair share of encounters over the years. It just wasn’t normal of him to actually keep said kids around unless they had some use. And it seems she did, as Luthor spoke to this woman and said, “My dear, I wouldn’t have you anywhere else. Besides, my hopefully new allies will be most impressed with what you can do.”
“It’s too bad we all couldn’t be here,” Luthor’s daughter said, hidden in the shadows of the car, as someone else right next to her chuckled.
Luthor said to this other stranger, “I didn’t tell you to keep talking!” Silence flew over the other stranger, who quickly zipped his mouth. “Worse.” He turned back to his daughter and said, “Forgive me. You know how warped his sense of logic can be. Not unlike where our first meeting is about to be held…”
The irony of it all made him chuckle as Mercy turned the car into a parking garage, and entered into a car elevator. Normally, it would be lined with buttons that allowed the user to pick which floor they wanted to take their car to, but there was one out of place button that had the familiar face of the Lord of the Dead on it, visible only to those of a rotten disposition.
Mercy reached out from the window and pushed the Hades button, causing the car to descend downward. And down, and down, and down it descended, as the concrete structure vanished to give way to dark, gloomy caves, brightly-lit hellfires, and the screams of souls abound. The driver was slightly unnerved by all the nightmarish imagery, even considering who her boss was, but Luthor remained calm as ever. Instead of fright, there was a smug grin, like he knew this was the perfect place to conduct his meeting.
Even considering that Hades’ Underworld wasn’t for the faint of heart, it did have enough space throughout its corridors to allow the limo to drive its way to a set of coordinates the Lord of the Dead had given Lex for this impromptu meeting of theirs. The drive wouldn’t be so bad, despite the horde of demons ripping through the souls of the damned on the way over. It was whether or not Hades and Beast Megatron would listen that was Lex’s biggest concern.
Fortunately, confidence did not betray his strategy. Already, he had a big stack of datachips lined up, each with enough information that not even those two could ignore. After all, Luthor was 12 steps ahead, and whether or not they listened, he knew that they wouldn’t forget a single detail of what he had to say.
In no time at all, thanks to the strange layout of the Underworld, the limousine had arrived at the central atrium where Hades resided, where a crude poster made entirely of construction paper and splattered paint read WEL KUM L3X , at which point Luthor sighed, knowing full well who could have made that. And sure enough…
“Oh, boy! It’s Mr. Baldy! He’s here to see Mr. Boss Man this time!” exclaimed Barney the not-so-bright Dinosaur as he skipped over to limo, dancing his little head off. “I can’t wait to make friends with Mister Baldy! Maybe I can even take him to a wig shop and buy him some new hair!”
Barney? Welcoming people to hell? Well, no surprise there, Luthor thought to himself. I just saw him die with my own eyes, so he probably belongs here. Internally groaning over hearing the dino’s dopey voice again, with Pain and Panic running up in terror to make sure he didn’t get himself killed so soon after they fixed him, Lex told his associates, “Wait in the car. I’ll call you when you’re needed.” And so he opened the door of his limo and put on that faux air of charm to approach Hades’ preschool torture minion. “Ah, Barnabas! At last we finally have the honor of meeting face to face .”
“Hooray! Mister Baldy likes me already!” Barney said to himself, not realizing that the CEO of LexCorp was lying straight out of his teeth – and completely forgetting that he’d just met Lex not all of five minutes ago.
Lex put out a fake laugh and said, “Hehehehe, you really are amusing. Now, would you be so kind as to tell me where your master is?”
“Sure, Mister Baldy! He’s under the glowing sign!” Barney then pointed to a large neon sign that read, “DEAD MAN’S REST”, where an open bar was plainly visible – as was the smiling visage of the Lord of the Dead and the less-than-happy visage of Beast Megatron.
Satisfied with the answer, Luthor told Barney, “Excellent. You are quite helpful. However, there is… a small favor I need to ask of you.”
Barney stared blankly at the billionaire. “...What’s a favor?”
Trying hard not to roll his eyes, Luthor asked, “Tell me, have you been feeling a bit ill lately?”
“Nope!” Barney exclaimed. “I eat healthy and play all day! Mr. Boss Man says I’m the pinnacle of good health!”
With another fake laugh, Luthor replied, “I’m sure you are, Barnabas. However, I heard there was a particularly nasty disease going around. They say it makes you very sick if you get it.”
“Oh no!” the dumbassasaur screamed. “I can’t get sick! How am I supposed to have tea parties if I’m sneezing?”
Lex said, “Not to worry; I have the antidote right here.” He produced a small syringe with a glowing green chemical inside – no doubt his famous Kryptonite stash. “Could you please give me your arm?”
But Barney hesitated, as his empty head failed to produce anything remotely resembling common sense. “Uh…my friend, Mister Trump said getting shots was bad. They make people woke, and Mister Trump said woke is bad!”
“But I happen to be one of Mister Trump’s dearest friends myself,” Lex lied. “And if I’m his friend, that means I’m your friend, and friends care about each other, don’t they?”
Falling for Lex’s “logic”, Barney said, “Ok! If you’re one of Mister Trump’s best friends, I’ll let myself get the shot!”
“I’m glad we can agree on that. Hold still…” Lex quickly injected Barney with the Kryptonite, causing the dinosaur’s veins to start glowing a sickly green. Unfortunately, said veins also happened to be lined with lead as a result of his eldritch physiology, causing a chemical reaction that began to literally drain the life out of him. Within seconds, Barney keeled over dead, naturally causing Pain and Panic to scream in frustration at yet another instance of the doofus dying off. But an ever-amused Lex simply noted to himself, “It seems that using Barney for a Kryptonite-based weapon is out of the question…but at least the initial results confirm my prior suspicions.”
He kept strutting his way towards the bar, walking past the original Starwalker and saying, “No need to thank me.”
Starwalker, however, disagreed. “This DC Villain is Pissing me off…I’m the original Starwalker” Naturally, he took out his frustrations by approaching Barney’s corpse while Pain and Panic were trying to resuscitate it – only for the walking star’s presence to cause Barney’s corpse to erupt like a volcano and spew molten lead, making the imps scream once more.
Laughing in his own amusement, Lex approached the open bar, where Hades was already waiting to greet him with open arms. “Lex Friggin’ Luthor! A man who takes after my own heart – that is if mine was actually workin’!” And in many ways, Hades wasn’t kidding; Disney’s own take on the Heracles myth drew a lot of inspiration for their version of the Lord of the Dead based entirely around Lex, with the added irony that James Woods would also voice Luthor in the short-lived Justice League Action animated series (though clearly his current predicament wouldn’t allow him that opportunity to come back, as he was now subject to his own character’s torture).
“Lord Hades,” Luthor replied as he shook the deity’s hand. “At long last, we finally meet.”
Hades laughed and said, “You got no idea how long I’ve been waitin’ ta strike up this kinda pitch!” He turned to his Predacon cohort and said, “Seriously, you wanna talk about one of the biggest sinners around, you’re lookin’ at ‘em!”
But Beast Megatron seemed…less than enthused, as his dour expression made plainly clear. “One mere organic? You insult me, Lord Hades. Do you expect me to believe this bald-headed primate is supposed to be a paragon of evil?”
“Not just any paragon, alien,” Lex replied as he glared right into Beast Megatron’s optics, his own disdain of extraterrestrial lifeforms equally as clear as the Predacon’s distaste for his presence. “What I’m here to offer is a game changer .”
But Beast Megatron simply laughed. “A bold claim, primate, yeeeeeeeeees. One of which I’m curious to see if you can deliver upon. And for your sake, you had best not be wasting my precious time when war is brewing!”
“I think what Cretaceous Carl is saying you callin’ us outta the blue is kind of a big shocker,” Hades replied, trying to smooth over the potential deal he was hoping to make. “I mean, our whole deal is “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.” Boombox excepted of course.” He gestured over to behind the bar, where Soundwave had transformed into his tape deck mode to provide some ambience to the meeting, before continuing. “So, what can our merry Neo Legion of Doom do for you? I know the idea of ultimate wealth and power are already in your pocket, but just hear me out. I think I can deal with your little cape problem by, oh...let's say, letting you be able to turn yourself into raw Kryptonite, eh? Eh? Think about it? Old boy blue couldn't even touch ya! What do you say?”
Already suspecting Hades would try to pull this deal stunt, Luthor replied, “Actually, it’s what I can do for you that I think would be of greater interest.” He took a seat at the bar, at which point a very distraught looking Team Rocket wandered up. “You three, your finest stock. At once.”
“Yes Mister Luthor…” the Team Rocket Trio groaned as they walked to grab some of the more expensive stuff, all while Hades turned to Lex and asked, “Alright, you have my undivided attention.”
Lex grinned and said, “Do you know what the biggest problem of this new world is?”
“The persistent threat of the Control Devil not knowing her place?” Beast Megatron rhetorically replied.
Luthor then said, “Heroes.” Jessie handed him a glass of Vintage 4 BC from Hades’ stock as he poured himself a drink. “Over the years, I’ve watched many of them arise from places of all sorts – an entire civilization of female warriors devoted to Greek Deities such as yourself, power rings supplied to our citizens by an ancient race of… aliens , freak lab accidents in the middle of severe thunderstorms – and the public can’t get enough of them.”
“Sigh…don’t I know it,” Hades replied as he grabbed the bottle and poured himself a drink. “Wonderboy showin’ up on the scene was one thing. But after that , a whole slew of impersonators kept followin’ in his footsteps, tryin’ ta fill his sandals! Oy, was that whole hero craze bad for my business.”
Even Beast Megatron said, “To say nothing of the deeds of Optimus Prime inspiring more to join his Autobots, encouraging the human race to aid him…and leaving our world under Maximal domination…”
“My point exactly,” Lex said as he took a sip. “Each of our worlds suffered from the same plague – and now those same worlds have joined an infinite amount of others, and practically worsened our problem overnight.”
But the Predacon said, “Our problem? I wasn’t aware that you shared in dealing with Hercules or Primal.”
“I speak not of the threat they pose,” the CEO corrected him, “But of what they all truly pose. Think about it – how many times has Earth come under siege? Alien invasions, a slew of natural disasters, manmade accidents stemming from the gross incompetency of those beneath us?”
Glaring at Pain and Panic, recounting how they failed to kill baby Hercules, Hades replied, “Can I evah relate on that front!”
“Except now imagine those disasters never happened. A crane collapses, Superman swoops in and saves the day. A tidal wave threatens a nearby island? The Avengers get the entire population to safety. The forces of the Negaverse unleash their threat upon Tokyo? Enter the Sailor Scouts, using their abilities to stop it from even making a dent on the city.”
He took another sip before continuing. “Heroism is a drug, my friends – one of which humanity has become irrevocably addicted to. No longer will we be forced to claw our way out of the primordial muck, when the guiding hand of a god-like alien with all the power in the universe can just simply pull us out.”
“Hmmmm, so you believe your species is simply… weak because of these heroes?” Beast Megatron asked.
Luthor conceded, “Sadly, yes. Millions of years of evolution, halted by our willingness to rely on heroes. Medical, scientific, and technological advancements towards curing our ails aren’t even worthwhile to us anymore…not so long as they exist.”
“Heh, sounds ta me like what you need, my bald friend, is a little heroism extermination,” Hades said. “Luckily for you, our little team is working towards just that, once we deal with ol’ Red and all.”
An opening had been presented, as Lex had hoped, to discuss the heart of the matter. “Which leads me to the Control Devil herself. I want her gone. Permanently .”
“You surprise me, organic,” said a curious Beast Megatron. “I would have believed you’d have turned to Makima, given your philosophy.”
But Lex replied, “Not even close. Negativity, conflict, hatred…all these and more are what forces us to become the true masters of this universe. And that bitch would erase it all!”
“Hence, our super team of super evil!” Hades chimed in as he took another sip. “And ta think, the founder of the original wants ta deal with its successor! Talk about full circle, eh?”
Lex momentarily recounted the original team under his command – and how lousy it wound up working out. The Legion of Doom, from their swamp base in Louisiana, were mostly focused on smaller-scale crimes rather than dealing in classic cases of world domination; an easy way to keep the lights on, but not enough to really pursue greater ambitions. It took Lex years before he was able to reform the Legion into an organization big enough to accomplish that goal, but it would inevitably fall apart thanks to clashes of egos or one of the villains trying his darndest to take the prize all for himself – sometimes Lex himself!
And in true Lex fashion, that’s why he was here. “You misunderstand me, Lord Hades. I don’t want to deal with your Neo Legion. I want to lead it.”
Silence fell over the room, looks of shock falling upon both Hades and Beast Megatron’s faces. Both of them were half-tempted to laugh, but it was ultimately the latter who said. “You are rather bold to make such a demand, organic. Yeeeeeeeees. But thus far, you have only demonstrated to be nothing but words. What kind of man do you believe yourself to be to lead our organization?”
“You want to know what kind of man I am?” Taking a deep breath, Lex ever so calmly explained. “I’m the man who built his company from nothing , and within a year, transformed a basement startup into the largest Fortune 500 company in the world. I’m the man who singlehandedly revolutionized Metropolis’ green energy system in less than six months. I’m the man who personally transformed armies into forces beyond any military might, making their enemies’ weapons look like pea shooters by comparison. I’m the man who managed to revitalize our nation’s economy in weeks where our own governments have taken years to even accomplish.”
“But most importantly, I’m the man who faced entire legions of gods , looked them in the eye, and made them bleed; beg for mercy. So to sum up your question, I’m Lex friggin’ Luthor . That’s more than enough reason.”
Hades began clapping his hands, saying, “ Heck of a speech, Lexy! Wow, you been practicin’ that one? Cause seriously, babe – can I call you babe? – real showstopper. However …there is the ever-so-slight problem of your request; see, me and Megsy here have been runnin’ this show for about…what, 12 chapters or so? And as far as we’re concerned, while we’re happy to accept new membership, the leadership positions are filled. So, unless you have a good reason to wanna make us reconsider your position – and given that you’re destined for down here already – I don’t see what you have on ya that you can possibly offer.”
“Oh, but I already do…” Lex then reached into his coat and pulled out a tablet. “Because frankly, you two are out of your depth.”
Beast Megatron glared at Luthor and asked, “And what do you mean by that?”
“Simply put, you’re attempting to fight a war without knowing the enemy,” he replied. “And as far as Makima’s concerned, you may not know here, but she knows you all too well . She doesn’t need to sink her chains into you when she could just play you both like a fiddle, all while sitting from the comforts of her throne.”
Hades then said, “Ok, I know she’s tough, and she’s probably thinkin’ up ways ta make us both deader than dead, but playin’ us ? I mean, we’re not exactly as brain-dead as Barnaby!”
“No, but there’s one field you lack a great deal of knowledge in.” Luthor then opened his tablet, and displayed a myriad of images and data – all revolving around one particular subject. “Devils.”
On the projection, there was information pertaining to Devils of familiarity – Spider, Chicken, Snake, Octopus, Fox, Bat, Chainsaw, Blood, Shark, Curse, Falling, Justice, Death, Famine, War, and of course, Control – from the universe of Chainsaw Man and its accompanying lore. But there was greater information about Devils that hadn’t been found yet – Lion, Bug, Reptile, Neophobia, Destruction, Vengeance, Betrayal, Despair, Hatred, Shame, Tyranny, Knowledge, even the First Devil, and many others representing the public’s greatest fears. And Lex had been conducting his research on who they might be.
Already, there were some familiar faces. The image of Darkseid brandished on Tyranny. The burning skull of the Ghost Rider identified itself as being the Vengeance Devil, marked with the words “PRIMAL FEAR” to signify it belonged to a much deadlier class of Devil. The long silver hair of the intimidating Sephiroth of Final Fantasy VII infamy marked the Despair Devil's entry, also marked with the “PRIMAL FEAR” label. And perhaps to no one’s surprise, Starscream himself was marked as the Betrayal Devil. Yet this information didn’t beguile that there were some entries with questions as much as there were answers – answers, it would seem, Lex was keen to provide.
“What you see is a current list of all those I’ve been personally studying as Devils under the merged world,” the CEO explained. “Whoever, or whatever, made this reality failed to account that by adding the universe of Makima, it added her rules for what defines as the living embodiment of humanity’s fears. I can firmly state that Control has singlehandedly killed Oligarchy, as you’re no doubt aware.” An image of Palpatine’s face appeared, marked as “DECEASED”.
Lex continued by saying, “And yet Makima only has but one other Devil in her servitude – Betrayal – and he doesn’t even know it.” Behind the bar, Soundwave caught a glimpse of his comrade, though given he was in his cassette mode, one couldn’t tell he was horrified that Starscream seemed more powerful than his years of being a foolhardy backstabber made him appear to be.
“Okay…” Hades said with some concerned. “So…you’re sayin’ Red’s gunnin’ for more of these guys?”
Lex nodded. “As of now, she desires but only one – Chainsaw Man and the power contained with that punk’s chest. But to do that, she needs to break him. Hence, more Devils to her cause. I can help you find them before she does.”
“Hmmmm, perhaps…” Beast Megatron said, his own distrust still not convincing him. “As impressive as your research is, what guarantee do you have that this strategy of yours will be sufficient?”
Hades added, “Yeah, gotta agree with the ol’ partner on this one. Far as I’m concerned, makin’ deals may be a thing, but Red’s preferred method of stabbin’ one of those chains in their heads is usually what gets ‘em to cooperate. I don’t need to remind ya that we don’t have that capacity!”
Letting off a slight laugh, Lex replied, “There are always alternate methods. And if you doubt I can deliver on the promise of tracking devils…allow me to introduce my associate.” He reached into his pocket and called his assistant. “Mercy, send her in.” Within seconds, a young woman with plum-colored hair walked in, wearing a short-sleeved white shirt, a black tie of sorts, a black skirt, and long black stockings over a pair of boots, a small little smile on her face as she entered the room. But the most notable thing on her person was a black choker with a metal ring of sorts attached.
“Hades, Megatron, meet the Bomb Devil.”
The woman known as Reze – a Hybrid not unlike Denji, bound to the Bomb Devil – was a figure of tragedy just as much as Makima. Similar to the Control Devil, Reze was raised to be a living weapon, albeit at the hands of the Soviet Union during the Cold War. She came to Japan with one purpose: to steal the heart of Denji. If that failed, she would expose Chainsaw Man’s existence to the world, in spite of Makima’s attempts to suppress that information at the time. Instead, in her mission to seduce him, she wound up finding herself developing genuine feelings for him. Hell, at one point in the two’s relationship, she nearly agreed to run away with him.
Instead, Makima placed Reze under her control to deny Denji any chance of happiness. And the poor boy never knew the whole truth…
“You asked for me, father?” she said as she took a polite little bow before Luthor’s new potential business partners, making both the Lord of the Dead and the Predacon leader rather curious about this development. “Alright, you have my attention…” Hades said in curiosity.
Luthor got up and stood next to Reze to explain. “My dear Miss Reze was alone – aimless in this new world, free from Makima’s control, but still a wanted weapon at the hands of the current Russian government. Fortunately, I found her first…and offered her something that Mr. Putin would never give her.”
He then pulled up information pertaining to the Devil Contract system. “Would you explain to our hosts how our system works?”
“Certainly, father,” the host of the Bomb Devil replied. “Each Devil has the ability to make deals, not unlike yourself, Lord Hades. The difference is, our contract is more binding. If either side breaks it, the responsible party… dies.” Hades slightly grimaced, yet was equally relieved his own deals didn’t cause that kind of damage, recounting that if that little clause was in place the day he tricked Hercules out of his strength, he would have bit the dust real real quickly.
Lex then added, “And Makima already has made one such deal… with Darth Vader .” The name caused a faint rendition of “The Imperial March” to play as he continued. “Of course, such contracts are rarely issued unless both sides have something to gain, and rarely does Makima offer more beneficial deals to those outside of what little circle of respect she offers. Luckily for you, I happen to be a better negotiator.”
“I assume you made such a deal with this "Reze"?” Beast Megatron asked.
Luthor nodded in affirmation. “I made it clear that I would need her talents from time to time. But I also made sure that her benefit would be that of what she desired the most – a sense of normalcy; a life she could live without fear of being hunted. Thanks to our deal, she has a home. A proper upbringing. An education beyond comprehension. And more importantly, the Russians discovered the hard way the consequences of daring to try and retrieve her…” She flashed an impeccable smile, recalling the actions her adoptive father took to ensure the Russians wouldn’t dare pursue her again.
“Hmmmm, well, havin’ Bombergirl ain’t a bad party trick,” noted Hades. “Way I recall it, she did rack up a few casualties ‘fore Red put her under that little magic spell. And you’re sayin’ she’s exclusively loyal to you?”
The CEO said, “Unquestionably, as per our contract. Loyalty is a two-way street; something of which Makima would never truly understand. Of what loyalty she commands of free will, I can grant you a thousand fold. And in exchange, all I ask is that you grant me leadership. Besides, this is the Neo Legion of Doom, and did I not found the original?”
Both Hades and Megatron looked at one another, then moved to the other side of the bar to discuss these matters. The latter said, “Tell me you’re not considering this…”
“Hey,” Hades replied, “It’s not like I love the idea of havin’ ta share leadership with chrome-dome. But you do gotta admit, that sweet, sweet data would come in handy, specially if we can beat Makima to the punch on gatherin’ up some of those Devils.”
Beast Megatron said with a growl in his voice, “I don’t trust him.”
“You don’t trust any of us,” the Lord of the Dead snarked. “Which, hey, don’t get me wrong – smart move in this day and age. But trust isn’t the main problemo here as much as that kleppf with the red hair is. Frankly, I don’t want Lexy waltzing his way over to Makima with that plum-haired explosives expert, just because he has a little spitin’ problem!”
The Predacon leader thought it over for a minute, before something clicked in his mind. “Didn’t the organic say that Reze was once one of Makima’s minions?” Hades nodded in response. “Mmmmmm, then perhaps there is some semblance of torment to know that she serves our cause alongside her adoptive father. Ohohoh, the delicious irony of it all, yeeeeeeeeeeees!”
“Well, guess that settles it then…”
Hades turned to Luthor, who was already holding out his hand, as if he knew the answer his new ally had.
“So, Lord Hades. Do we have a contract?”
Hades replied, “Alright, alright, fine. In exchange for a co-leadership position in the Neo Legion, you, Alexander Joseph Luthor, better known as Lex Luthor to the world at large, do hereby swear upon your life that you will provide all resources required to the absolute destruction of the Control Devil, do solemnly swear, null and void, yada yada…ah, just shake the hand!”
And so it was done. The cold grasp of Hades met with Luthor’s firm grip, and from that moment forward, the dynamic of the Neo Legion of Doom had changed forever. Lex Luthor himself had boldly found himself amongst their ranks, leading the successor to the organization he once founded. Knowing that his position was secure, he raised his glass and said, “Come, gentlemen. I propose we raise ourselves a small toast… to VICTORY! AND TO THE END OF MAKIMA’S EMPIRE!”
That night, glasses clinked as Hades and Beast Megatron welcomed their newest member – and to what they hoped would turn the tide against Makima…
Aside from one slight detail he recalled from the state dinner. “Oh, one other thing, Hades. You might want to keep a close eye on your pet. I caught him hanging around with Donald Trump just a few minutes ago, and…”
“Waitwaitwait,” Hades interrupted. “Barney. Was hanging around. With Donald Trump?!?”
Beast Megatron glared at this development. “So, that buffoon is an even bigger idiot than I thought! Yeeeeeees.”
“Eh, it’s probably just he wandered inta the buildin’ or something,” the Lord of the Dead said as he shrugged it off. “He’s practically clueless when it comes ta just about anything! He wouldn’t even know what that putz really does if his life depended on it! Nothin’ ta worry about cept that star thing meltin’ him!” Oh boy, Hades, if only you knew…
Not even an hour later, Lex had already begun moving his equipment into the Neo Legion’s HQ in the Underworld, Pain and Panic had managed to fix Barney, and the Devil research was being put to quick use. All was well for this band of bad guys.
Well, except for Barney, but that typically goes without saying. And right now, he was in the death grip of… Bizarro ? “Me do break Baloney to hurt fairies!”, the big galoot said in his usual backwards logic, as his hands were beginning to crush the dinosaur, to the absolute chagrin of Pain and Panic. Upon closer inspection, he seemed to look an awful lot like Dean Cain…
The thing about Bizarro is that he wasn’t always like this – he used to be a perfect imperfect copy of the Man of Steel, made to serve as Ultraman and the previous Hammer of Boravia, a “man” of few words and even less brain that mostly simply followed direct commands from Lex. Heck, he’d even managed to do the impossible and defeat Superman in a fight! But when Superman managed to find a workaround, Ultraman was sent packing into a wormhole, where he had been believed lost. However, the merger ultimately managed to reveal he survived – as fans suspected – and was completely altered by his time in “Bizarro World”, being turned into a defective clone that thought the opposite of what we did.
Naturally, Lex was all too happy to take him back once he scooped him out of the wormhole, even if it took a bit of time to get adjusted to his creation’s new way of thinking. Of course, this also meant that Bizarro loved Barney, and was in attendance at the infamous slaughtering of the dino doofus, though it certainly helped give Luthor the idea to attack Sesame Street as a means of luring Superman out (but we all know how that panned out for him). As for why he looked like the infamous actor from Lois And Clark: The New Adventures Of Superman, well…let’s just say the universe didn’t have the highest opinion of his line of thinking.
Nevertheless, it didn’t change the fact that Bizarro was hurting Barney, as Pain tried to explain. "Bizarro! Go aw-- errr, stay here! You know what you aren't doing with Barney!"
“But Bizarro am not kissing Baloney!” the defective clone said, clearly oblivious to the damage he was causing.
Panic likewise said, "Keep kissing him! It's really helpful!" in a futile attempt to get Bizarro to stop, but he wasn’t listening in the slightest. Even having to adjust to speaking on his line of thinking, the imps couldn’t seem to get through to him, though internally, they were wondering if this guy was the prior Hammer of Boravia, who was the current guy fighting the Man of Steel right now?
But that didn’t matter, since Barney was still being crushed. "Oh boy! Is it Opposite Day? Let me play too! I hate you, Mr. Bizarro!"
“Bizarro not hate Baloney, solo!” Bizarro replied, only to snap Barney’s neck like a twig. Pain and Panic naturally screamed in frustration – the screams of which woke up… Bizarro’s Grandpa? "Aaaaaaaaaaw! Aaaaaaaaaaaw! Baloney am alive!" He then smacked himself with the cane that he was gripping in his foot, as was typical of the klutzy Bizarros.
Yeah…Bizarro having a grandpa was weird enough given he was Luthor’s creation, but it turned out he specifically brought his grandpa to meet Barney. Lex humored his creation, if only to keep him loyal, but this whole thing was just getting strange even for what he’d seen – and he personally became a god once! Of course, Bizarro said to his grandfather, "Worry about it, Grampa! Me take you away from Bizarro Retire-munt Kindurgarden!"
"Good Bizarro! We didn't tell you to keep going!" Pain screamed as he was half tempted to bash Bizarro on the head, only being held back in his anger knowing he would get pulverized if he did.
As for poor Pain, looking over Barney’s corpse and hearing this conversation, he could only say, "My head hurts already..."
It was just then that Lex entered the room, Reze standing by his side, as the CEO said to the imps, “I see you dumbasses are still as productive as ever…”
"Me not know! Worst work am useful work!" Bizarro exclaimed as he spread the drool from his once-again-asleep grandfather across his shirt, much to Pain and Panic’s disgust.
Lex sighed, still dumbfounded by the fact his greatest creation was now so dumb, but nonetheless not tempted to risk a backstab at the moment by mistreating him (for now…). Instead, he told his minion, “Bizarro, don’t be a bad big boss and run outside. The children are being quiet.”
"No thanks, Mommy Luthor! Me not do that." And the defective clone grabbed his grandfather and flew backwards out of the room, much to Pain and Panic’s relief – even if Barney was once again dead.
Luthor called out to Bizarro and said, “Not very bad!” He then turned to Pain and Panic, a glare in his eye, yelling, “As for you shitheads, care to explain why my multimillion dollar scanner has dinosaur drool all over it?!” He held out one of his latest devices in his hand, pointing out that it was covered in slime left behind by the late Barney.
"Barney literally has no brain!” Panic exclaimed “You can barely babysit the guy!"
Pain likewise tried to defend himself by saying, "And 99% of the things he does result in him just straight up dying!"
“Then allow me to give you an incentive…” Lex said as he pulled out a very long prong and held it in his hand, his icy glare staring right into the imps’ souls. “The next time I see so much as a smudge of Barney’s DNA on my equipment, you two will wind up becoming the battery source for my next power armor! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!”
Pain and Panic huddled up on one another, scared out of their wits, before the latter exclaimed in his state of terror, "...Then just ask Hades to let him stay dead! We hate him as much as you do!"
"I agree…” said Starwalker, who smoothly entered the room. “He must stay dead"
But all that did was make Lex chuckle, as if that was more of a dare and less of a demand. “Hmmmm, not yet. At least, not until I’ve had more of a chance to see what makes him tick.” He hefts Barney’s corpse up with his own bare hands – a testament to his own personal strength, as he too had trained himself to peak superhuman perfection just to one up Superman – and slammed it on the table. “Now, if you two would be so kind as to leave?!”
Pain and Panic sighed in relief, and walked out of the room. Once out of earshot, Luthor muttered under his breath, “Absolutely dumbasses…” Today really was a day for fools…
Naturally, Starwalker walked right up to Barney’s corpse, which then immediately dissected itself, though unlike the imps, Lex was pleased about being saved from all sorts of work today. “Much obliged. Now, let’s see what makes you tick, Barnabas…”
His scanners quickly got to work, gathering data on the preschool saurian’s unique physiology, which Reze was compiling for her father. In the time they had spent since she agreed to work for him, she had demonstrated a remarkable gift of wanting to learn, even beyond the fancy tutors and his own personal knowledge he had supplied to her. Guess all those years of not having to go to school really waned on her, and she was intent on making up for lost time. Her curiosity had even granted her something far deadlier for her other job for Lex, as a greater knowledge of explosive compositions had practically doubled her capacity as the Bomb Devil.
As she was gathering up the initial samples, she mused to Lex, “They are an unusual group, wouldn’t you say, Father?”
“More than you could ever know,” Lex replied. “But now that we have their ears – and their partnership – I’m confident our plans for humanity will at long last succeed. Who knows? Perhaps we’ll even be able to ditch the dead weight …” He mused about the possibility of getting rid of Trump and Musk, having grown all too tired of their constant brain-dead ramblings and ketamine-induced ideas.
Reze sighed and said, “I’m still wondering…why didn’t you tell Hades the whole truth? About what he really is?”
“All in due time,” the CEO said. “You must remember, Reze, that one mustn't play all their hands before the game’s begun. When the time comes, we’ll be sure to inform Lord Hades of his “gift”.”
The Bomb Devil nodded in understanding. She knew that Lex was always scheming something, but she could never tell quite what it was; maybe she was just bad at reading him, or he was better at hiding his ulterior motives. Either way, Reze trusted him, for he’d been nothing but straightforward with her and lived up to his deal to give her a better life. For all his faults, Luthor at least kept his word.
Soon, the results came in, and Reze reported, “Initial scans complete. Pulling up the results now.” A holographic display then honed over Barney’s corpse – and showed a literal negative space where his brain should be! “Curious…it seems Barney’s lacking in an organ vital to the function of living beings. In fact, I’m getting readings of pure negativity from all over, the strongest of which is located in that cavity.”
“Pure negativity…” Lex mused. “Yes, I can see…his entire body is radiating from this substance. Yet I’ve never seen anything like it before!”
Indeed, both Luthor and Reze were astounded by the scans, finding that every single cell that made up Barney’s body was radiating of seething negative energy. Clearly this was far from natural, but neither of them could pinpoint who or what created it. Instead, Reze said, “At best guess, it operates on a similar principle to several prior phenomena of negative spectrum-based abilities: the Red Lantern Rings, the Akumas, even the Mementos that forms the collective consciousness of the public. But Barney’s DNA is having a much stronger effect – almost as if his mere being inspires pure hatred in others.”
All this information was making Lex grin with utter glee at the prospect, as if this discovery had unlocked something in his brain. “Pure negativity, channeled inside one saccharine preschool character…clearly such powers are exploitable, so long as the idea of hatred exists in some form or another. Weaponizing it, however, is another matter entirely.”
“Maybe weaponizing it isn’t the answer,” replied Reze. “Father, Barney happens to be the only being we’ve found with this kind of power. Trying to transfer it to something else is impossible. What we need to do is control him, but even with Hades’ dominance over him, his lack of brainpower makes it impossible for him to follow even basic commands.”
Fortunately, Lex had already figured out how to resolve that particular problem. “Then it’s a good thing I happen to know an expert on the mind – one of whom is currently residing at Arkham Asylum, studying the very psyche of the broken brain.” Wait, he didn’t mean…
“Which leads me to another question, Father,” Reze momentarily interrupted. “What about him ?”
Lex chuckled and said, “You mean that cackling asshole? Not this time. He’s of much greater use as an unpredictable third party than being an unpredictable ally.”
“But isn’t snubbing him unwise?” the Bomb Devil asked.
Recounting full well what befell another version of him the last time he was left out, Luthor said, “Yes. But the last thing I need is to get Batman involved in all this. Besides, I have a distinct feeling that our “friends” in the Neo Empire will personally deal with that maniac and get the Dark Knight looking the other way all in one fell swoop.”
“I understand, Father.” Reze replied as she prepared to pull out the contact information of Lex’s ally in Gotham. “We can’t have either Batman or Superman interfering. You and I both know the heroes will come for us – and you’ve seen fit to keep the latter out of the way.”
Chuckling to himself, Lex then walked up to his communications terminal and said, “Which reminds me, I’d better see how our progress is proceeding on that front.” Soon, the image of the Hammer of Boravia appeared on screen, as Lex grinned and said, “I have excellent news. We’ve secured new allies in our war against the Man of Steel. I should be supplying more resources to Boravia in the coming days.”
“Excellent,” the Hammer responded in a thick Boravian accent. “Then our efforts to secure this region proceed unimpeded. Despite Superman’s interference.”
Lex replied, “A matter of which I’m sure you’re handling just fine. I have every confidence in your ability.”
“Of course, Luthor.” The Hammer then reached for his helmet, and took it off…and a dark theme began to play as long, silver-colored locks began to flow, revealing that Reze wasn’t the only Devil whom Luthor had contracted with… the new Hammer was none other than SEPHIROTH!
“Hope is meaningless compared to despair ,” he said. Without the voice filter in his helmet, not only did his accent switch to a standard American one… but his voice sounded oddly like Superman's.
Notes:
Lex friggin' Luthor. Where do we start with this man?
So, once upon a time, our little story didn't have DC's biggest name baddy. Kind of funny considering he too was amongst the numerous self demonstrating pages on TV Tropes, but we hadn't gotten around to incorporating him by the time our "illustrious moderators" decided to give us the boot. Truthfully, we had tossed around the idea of bringing him in at some point, probably for a much later arc I cannot share about at this time (though I'm sure those familiar with the project already know what we're talking about), if mainly because we came to the realiziation that having the "Neo" Legion of Doom without the original's leader seemed like a wasted opportunity.
Then, the new Superman movie came out.
After Wyvu saw James Gunn's film, it inspired us to beef Lex's role up significantly, hence, we reworked him into "The Sesame Sieges" before having him effectively bribe his way into Neo Legion leadership. As a result of that, it also allowed us to bring in Reze and Bizarro as his followers (we had previously discussed Reze being used to battle the Rebel Alliance, and it let us give Bizarro a role beyond actually just showing up in Barney's chapter), giving them access to one of the original Chainsaw Man Devils, in addition to more comedy from the being of backwards logic (the choice to have Dean Cain "play" him speaks for itself given the climate). Moreover, having wanted to comment on the ongoing genocide in Palestine, but being unable to do so in a way of which that didn't come off as insensitive by making it comedic, Gunn's use of the Boravian-Jarhanpur conflict (fun fact, Boravia actually did exist in the comics) gave us that opportunity by showing both sides as being in open support of Ghurkos and his atrocities. And that too will play into future stories as the Man Of Steel's own role will be significantly beefed up from our original story (and yes, he too had a self demonstrating page, but it got cut).
Now, Sephiroth is the big one to keep an eye on. It's to our fortune that George Newbern and Tyler Hoechlin both had played the Man of Steel and the One-Winged Angel, and that's gonna play a big part in the story too -- but I ain't sayin' what it is just yet. If you know, you know... (I managed to get Tyler's autograph too at Fan Expo Canada. --Wyvu)
Anyway, as for some major changes, our first draft initially had Luthor conducting a virtual meeting with Trump, Musk, and Ghurkos in his office, but that was changed to a state dinner in order to make the Warmbos and Kultists look even more pathetic for letting a monster into the City of Tomorrow (and to make Luthor even more of a petty jerk), and to tease something big involving Barney down the line. Beyond that, the only significant thing that we discussed was having Brainiac in Luthor's head ala the Justice League cartoon, but for simplicity's sake, it was dropped. - chris 4449
Frxnciszek on Chapter 1 Sun 20 Apr 2025 01:06PM UTC
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chris4449 on Chapter 1 Sat 23 Aug 2025 02:11PM UTC
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Wyvu on Chapter 3 Thu 17 Jul 2025 03:31AM UTC
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TOKUNIVERSE on Chapter 5 Fri 09 May 2025 11:49PM UTC
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chris4449 on Chapter 5 Tue 05 Aug 2025 02:46PM UTC
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Reza138186 on Chapter 10 Wed 19 Feb 2025 03:41PM UTC
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chris4449 on Chapter 10 Wed 19 Feb 2025 08:23PM UTC
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TOKUNIVERSE on Chapter 17 Sun 27 Jul 2025 03:09AM UTC
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Wyvu on Chapter 17 Fri 01 Aug 2025 05:37PM UTC
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Wyvu on Chapter 17 Fri 01 Aug 2025 07:41PM UTC
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TOKUNIVERSE on Chapter 17 Fri 01 Aug 2025 11:12PM UTC
Last Edited Fri 01 Aug 2025 11:19PM UTC
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