Chapter 1: Operation Get Sect Leader Jiang Laid!
Chapter Text
“I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve called you all here today.” Sect Leader Jin said, tone serious as death as he looked upon his gathered companions.
“If we questioned every single stupid decision you made we’d be here for years, Little Mistress,” Lan Jingyi scoffed, picking at his food. “I’m more concerned about why you called us out to the middle of nowhere for this very important meeting of yours.”
“I couldn’t risk anyone overhearing us,” Jin Ling said, not even reacting to the very obvious jab. Lan Jingyi blinked, shocked that his ribbing hadn’t gotten the usual hot-headed reaction from the youngest of their group. Sitting up properly, Lan Jingyi trained his eyes on the vermillion mark between Jin Ling’s eyes. “If anyone were to know of this... it could spell disaster for the major sects.”
“That sounds very serious,” Lan Sizhui hummed, placing his cup down gently on the table. “If there’s danger, we will do whatever we can to aid you.”
“Thank you, Sizhui,” Jin Ling nodded to the older boy, some of his usual ire back in his tone, not aimed at Sizhui, of course. “As I was saying, this is a very serious matter that, unfortunately, seems to be one only we can solve.”
“What is it?” Lan Jingyi could feel trepidation building in his stomach. It didn’t suit Jin Ling to be so serious. Even with the young man having been Sect Leader for nearing three years, he always managed to hold on to a note of brattish whimsy through all the mindless meetings and tone deaf shouting from grown ass cultivators.
“It involves my Uncle.”
“Senior Wei?” Jingyi gasped, leaning forward. “Is he alright?”
“Are you stupid?” Jin Ling snapped, crossing his arms. “Do you really think Hanguang-Jun would allow anything to happen to that asshole? No, my other Uncle.”
“Is Sect Leader Jiang in trouble?” Lan Sizhui frowned slightly, his brows furrowing softly. Though in recent years Sect Leader Jiang had all but reinvented himself as a cultivator and as a leader, there were still a few things that hadn’t changed.
Before he was ruthless with his training, pushing disciples to their limits and beyond, much to their detriment. Now he was much more lenient, having brought back many of the training procedures from his own childhood - swimming to train endurance, shooting kites to improve aim. Before, he would hunt down anyone who might even hint that they might be a demonic cultivator and torture them, even kill them.
Now, he was more lenient, even if it seemed to cause him physical pain to do so.
But one thing that hasn’t changed was how strong Jiang Wanyin was - how much pressure the man could take without showing even a whisper of a crack. After everything he had been through, he was a pillar of strength and a role model to young cultivators everywhere.
But now could the unshakable Sect Leader Jiang be in a sort of trouble he couldn’t get himself out of?
“Yes he’s in trouble!” Jin Ling slammed his fists on the table. “And Lotus Pier has turned their backs on him!”
“What’s going on?” Lan Jingyi demanded. He could feel his pulse picking up. Sect Leader Jiang was unbreakable - someone Lan Jingyi had admired for most of his life. Even before his golden core had completely formed he was idolizing the man who seemed to stand so much taller than any real person should be able to.
“I need you both to swear that you won’t speak a word of this to anyone,” Jin Ling whispered, leaning in close. “I mean it. What I’m about to tell you is top secret.”
“We swear!” Lan Jingyi said immediately. When a second promise didn’t follow, two sets of eyes turned to Lan Sizhui.
“It’s against the rules to make promises if you are unsure if you can keep them,” He hummed. After a beat he let a small smile break his faux-seriousness. “Of course I promise, Jin Ling. Something this important to you is important to us as well. Jingyi and I will do whatever we can to help you and your Uncle.”
“Okay...” Jin Ling took a deep breath, closing his eyes and clearly steeling his nerves for whatever horrible news he had to deliver. After a beat he opened his eyes again and fixed his friends with a serious expression. “My Uncle is a virgin and we need to fix that.”
“WHAT?” Lan Jingyi screamed, and not even Lan Sizhui could find it in himself to scold the other for the volume.
“Jin Ling, what-?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”: Jingyi interrupted, looking as though he was just barely restraining himself from grabbing the young Sect Leader by the collar of his robes and shaking some sense into him. “You- you can’t go around spewing shit like that!”
“Aren’t you going to scold him?” Jin Ling snapped at Lan Sizhui. “I know for a fact he just broke at least three rules!”
“Rules don’t apply in dire moments,” Lan Sizhui recited, looking pale. “And I do believe this is dire...”
“I’m serious,” Jin Ling crossed his arms again and glared at the two across from him - mostly Lan Jingyi, but Sizhui wasn’t completely free of the inherited ire. “Uncle has been banned from all the matchmakers in Yunmeng. This blacklist has even stretched out to Yiling and the fringes of GusuLan’s territory. He never seems to care but most people don’t know him as well as I do and... well...”
“He always seems to take rumors in stride,” Lan Sizhui started carefully. “But from what I’m gathering, is there a chance that Sect Leader Jiang internalizes the whispers more than he would like the general public to know.”
“Exactly,” Jin Ling slumped a little. “He’s so used to-to needing to be strong all the time. He’s only been weak in front of me a handful of times and each time it was... some of the scariest moments of my life. The first time he broke down I was only three years old. I don’t have many memories from when I was really little but... but I remember that night because I thought I was going to lose him. I had already lost everyone... and in my three year old mind, I thought I was going to lose the last person I had in my life.”
“Jin Ling...” Lan Jingyi breathed out in horror. He teased and ribbed the younger man viciously, but they had an unspoken agreement to butt heads at any opportunity but always have each other’s backs when the situation called for it.
Hearing the way Jin Ling’s voice wavered made Jingyi’s heart ache.
“He tries to pretend he’s untouchable,” Jin Ling continued. “That-that nothing can shake him... but I can see the truth. He’s strong, but he’s broken. He acts like he doesn’t need anyone - like attaching himself to others will make him weak - but I can see the cracks in his facade. I just want my Uncle to be happy and I can see how the isolation is beginning to really affect him.”
“So.... what’re the details of Operation Get Sect Leader Jiang Laid?” Lan Jingyi asked after a beat.
“Please don’t say it like that...” Lan Sizhui sighed, smacking a palm against his forehead.
“Fine,” He huffed. “Operation Get Sect Leader Jiang a Hot Spouse Worthy of His Majesty.”
“That’s even worse, actually,” Jin Ling’s forehead met the tabletop. “Go back to the first one.”
“Okay, everyone remember the plan?” Jin Ling whispered quite loudly as they touched down outside the front gates of Lotus Pier.
“It’s not as much a plan as a battle attack.” Lan Jingyi remarked as he sheathed his sword.
“Try to find out what Sect Leader Jiang wants in a partner and do reconnaissance throughout the five major sects,” Lan Sizhui recited dutifully. “If no one turns up there, we’ll turn to the smaller outlying sects. If we still can’t find anyone, turn to Sect Leader Nie.”
“I still can’t believe people still think he’s some sort of useless head shaker,” Lan Jingyi scoffed as they walked through the front gates. “Anyone with eyes can see the look he gets when he hears gossip. They’re the eyes of a predator-”
“A-Ling! Jingyi! A-Yuan! What a coincidence!” A familiar voice cried.
“Senior Wei?” Lan Jingyi reacted first. “What are you doing here?”
“Is something wrong?” Jin Ling’s brow furrowed as he took in the slightly panicked look on Wei Wuxian’s face.
“Wrong?” Wei Wuxian squawked. “Wh-why would anything be wrong? You three are too much sometimes!”
“Baba...” Lan Sizhui trailed off, raising a single eyebrow at his father. Wei Wuxian instantly folded, holding his hands out in front of him in a pleading manner.
“Forgive this one,” He lamented, glancing over his shoulder. “I just- why don’t we go find some lotus pods! I’m sure there should be a bunch of ripe ones this time of year!”
“What’re you hiding?” Lan Jingyi accused, causing Wei Wuxian’s ears to burn red.
“Hiding? I’m not hiding anything!” His voice was getting louder. “There’s no reason for me to be stalling Jin Ling, Lan Sizhui, and Lan Jingyi from entering Lotus Pier!”
“How was he feared?” Jingyi muttered under his breath.
“Wei Wuxian, you bastard! Get back here!” A familiar voice called out, but Lan Jingyi couldn’t quite place why it was so familiar. It was light, sounding like it was coming from someone slightly younger than he was. Despite that, there was a layer of ire over the words that seemed... familiar somehow.
“Wait no don’t-” Wei Wuxian whirled around but it was too late. The person he was trying to keep away came storming forward and the three juniors were shocked into complete silence.
“Is that...” Lan Jingyi trailed off, trying to convince himself he was simply experiencing a very realistic, very loud hallucination.
“Jiang Cheng, I told you to stay with Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian scolded.
“I’m not staying anywhere with that asshole,” Jiang Wanyin snapped, not yet noticing the gobsmacked looks on their unexpected visitors’ faces. “You didn’t explain shit before you were running away!”
“Look, I really don’t know what happened,” Wei Wuxian put his hands up in a placating motion. “But you were right to call for us... whatever’s going on, Lan Zhan and I are the best to figure it out.”
“What-what happened?” Jin Ling finally found his voice, gasping quietly.
“Who the fuck are you?” Jiang Wanyin glared at them, only it wasn’t the glare of the Sect Leader they had all grown so familiar with over the years of being friends with Jin Ling. No, this was a glare from someone...
Much younger.
“Jiang Cheng, remember I was telling you about my son?” Wei Wuxian said gently, a touch of pride coloring his words. “Sizhui, come say hello.”
“H-hello, Sect Leader Jiang...” Lan Sizhui bowed awkwardly.
“And that’s their friend Lan Jingyi,” Wei Wuxian gestured for Lan Jingyi to do the same, which he did. “And this is...”
“Why does this kid look so familiar?” Jiang Wanyin snapped, eyeing Jin Ling distrustfully.
“Jiang Cheng... this is Jin Ling.” Wei Wuxian said carefully, watching his brother’s face for any sign of emotion.
“Jin? Why the fuck are the Lans hanging around some Jin brat?” Jiang Wanyin scoffed, crossing his arms.
“Do not speak about him like that-” Wei Wuxian’s eyes flashed red but before he could say anything else, Jin Ling was stepping forward.
“Uncle... what happened?” He asked, turning his attention to Wei Wuxian.
“We don’t know,” The man sighed, the tension leaving his shoulders. “We received a frantic Jiang disciple at Cloud Recesses this morning and we came over as fast as we could. The disciple couldn’t really tell us much - they just said something happened to Jiang Cheng and that he needed help immediately.”
“I’m fine,” Jiang Wanyin snapped, not seeming to realize the dire situation he was in. “I didn’t need to break down my front door.”
“Lan Zhan and I think he stumbled into some sort of curse or array but he doesn’t recall anything,” Wei Wuxian said, tone almost sheepish. “We’ve been trying to pinpoint the source so we can start figuring out how to get him back to normal.”
“Normal? I’m perfectly fine!”
“Sect Leader Jiang...” Lan Sizhui trailed off, as if trying to imply that he was not, in fact, fine at all. By the way Jiang Wanyin flinched, it was clear he was simply putting up a mask of strength and anger.
“And stop-stop calling me that!” Jiang Wanyin snapped, his eyes suspiciously glassy. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on but- but this is a shitty fucking prank, Wei Wuxian!”
“I wish it was just a prank,” Wei Wuxian said softly. There was something too serious about his words that even Jiang Wanyin could hear. “But-but we’re going to figure this out, okay?”
“I-” Jiang Wanyin scowled before turning on his heel and storming away from them,
“What the hell happened?” Jin Ling whispered in horror as he watched his younger uncle turn a corner and disappear from sight.
“Like I said, he must have activated some sort of curse or array that deaged him somehow but we don’t know how, or why,” Wei Wuxian explained, mindlessly messing with the tassel on his dizi. “From what we can guess he’s about eighteen physically but doesn’t remember much past the reeducation in Qishan so we can’t know exactly how old he is for the time being.”
“Eighteen? He’s younger than us!” Lan Jingyi said without thinking. He and Sizhui had just turned twenty six, Jin Ling twenty three. To think that Sect Leader Jiang was eighteen now was... insane to even consider!
“Wait, if he doesn’t remember anything past the reeducation,” Lan Sizhui’s brow furrowed before slackening in horror. “He doesn’t know about the war... about Lotus Pier Burning... about anything.”
“Exactly,” Wei Wuxian said and for once he actually sounded as old and tired as he actually was. “Lan Zhan and I have been trying to keep him from finding out the wrong way but it’s been difficult with everyone calling him Sect Leader... plus he instantly noticed that Lotus Pier looked different. We’ve tried to keep him contained in his rooms but I forgot how feisty he was when he was younger.”
“And now he’s run off on his own,” Lan Jingyi realized with horror. “We have to find him!”
“A-Yuan, check the training fields,” Wei Wuxian ordered. “Jingyi, the swimming lakes. A-Ling, check the pavilions.”
“Yes!” The three took their commands and sprinted away. Lan Jingyi knew he shouldn’t be running - if not because it broke a GusuLan rule, but because he learned first hand how dangerous it could be to run around the Lotus Pier docks. He had slipped one too many times to not have learned that lesson - but he didn’t care of the risks.
“Sect Leader- um, Jiang Wanyin? Are you there?” he called out, wincing when the title slipped out. Given how Jiang Wanyin reacted before running away, calling him Sect Leader was a sure way to have the boy avoid him. “It’s Jingyi... um... are you alright?”
“Go away...” A watery voice snapped with no fire behind it. Lan Jingyi rounded the corner and saw a large tree on the shore of one of the lakes, its roots snaking into the water as if it were trying to escape its earthen prison. The branches hung low, long leaves heavy and weighing the arms down. Through the leaves, Lan Jingyi was able to spot purple shifting around in the shadows.
“Mind if I join you?” He asked, not moving from his spot on the dock. As a child that often ran and hid after being punished, Lan Jingyi knew how badly it would be taken if he tried to force himself into Jiang Wanyin’s space.
“Why?”
“Because this sun is absolutely oppressive,” Lan Jingyi let a bit of whine leak into his voice. “And my robes are so heavy... I’ll pass out from heat stroke if I don’t find some shade soon!”
“You’re so annoying,” Jiang Wanyin snapped but after a moment he pulled some of the leaves aside and shot Lan Jingyi a glare. “Well? Get your ass in here before I change my mind.”
“Ah, thank you!” Lan Jingyi grinned as he ducked under the branches. Jiang Wanyin was seated in a grove made from the bowing branches, soft grass cushioning the ground where the roots weren’t poking out. “It’s already so much better. Young Master Jiang, you’ve saved this one’s life!”
“You’re a Lan?” Jiang Wanyin raised an unamused eyebrow. “Never though I’d see the day where a Lan was so annoying.”
“Hey, it’s part of my charm,” Lan Jingyi chuckled as he settled between some roots, his robes padding the bark that otherwise would have dug into his shoulders. He kept the twinge in his chest from showing on his face. “Someone’s gotta keep Grandmaster Qiren on his toes in his old age!”
“Ppft-” Jiang Wanyin couldn’t bite back the laugh. “That old goat will never die, I’m sure of it. He’s going to outlive all of us out of spite alone.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” Lan Jingyi agreed easily. “Especially now that Senior Wei moved into the Cloud Recesses. It’s like Grandmaster thinks he’ll reduce the entire mountain to rubble if he left.”
“Senior Wei?” Jiang Wanyin spat, but it was clearly not phrased as a genuine question. Realising his mistake, Lan Jingyi winced and fiddled with the hem of his outer robes. They sat in silence for a few moments before Jiang Wanyin cleared his throat. “Hey.”
“Mhm?” Lan Jingyi jumped at the sudden sound.
“I know Wei Wuxian is hiding shit from me,” He grumbled, pulling his legs up to his chest. He looked so painfully young that Lan Jingyi felt his throat closing. He realized this was about the age Wanyin had been when Lotus Pier had burned... he had been so young when his family had been murdered, his home reduced to ashes. He had been so young when he had been thrust into his father’s position as Sect Leader. So fucking young when he was forced to fight the front lines of a war too dangerous to survive in one piece. “But... if I ask you some stuff can you be honest with me?”
“Huh? Sure but... why me?”
“You’re a Lan, right?” Jiang Wanyin shot him an unamused look. Lan Jingyi always thought Sect Leader Jiang was ethereal, but seeing him without the slight lines of ageing was too surreal to comprehend. “Lans are forbidden to lie, so if I ask you questions you have to answer me honestly, right?”
“I suppose...” Lan Jingyi felt as though he was being led into a corner of his own making. “I can do my best.”
“Clearly something happened,” Jiang Wanyin picked at the ground. Lan Jingyi couldn’t help but notice how his hands were free of the scars that told of his pain. There were still some small marks, but otherwise they were the hands of a young man with his whole life ahead of him. “Wei Wuxian looks completely different. Lotus Pier looks completely different. Even Lan Wangji looks older...”
“Um... Senior Wei said you were probably hit by a deaging curse,” Lan Jingyi didn’t know what would be safe to reveal. “Before you were...”
“I was what?” He snapped, but there was a waver of insecurity behind the venom.
“Um, you were forty five,” Lan Jingyi winced when he saw Jiang Wanyin’s head snap to look at him incredulously. “But now you’re around eighteen?”
“Well fuck...”
“Fuck indeed.” Lan Jingyi parrotted without thinking. There was a beat of silence before Jiang Wanyin threw his head back and laughed loudly. Lan Jingyi couldn’t help but stare in awe.
He had heard Sect Leader Jiang laugh before, but it was mostly the amused chuckle he would let out when Jin Ling did something annoyingly endearing. He had seen Sect Leader Jiang smile before, but it was always tinged with something heavy.
Now, Jiang Wanyin was laughing the way Senior Wei did - light and filled with mirth. It lit up his entire face, his eyes turning up and his cheeks squishing as he tried to calm the cackles.
“You’re strange for a Lan.” He said as he finally quelled the laughter.
“I’ve been told that before...” Lan Jingyi didn’t mean for the remark to come out so dry, and Jiang Wanyin seemed to pick up on the tone change immediately.
“It’s not a bad thing,” He said softly. “If anything, it’s refreshing. The Lan clan has always held my respect, despite how much of their practices I disagree with... but knowing they have disciples like you makes them feel more... well, real. Like the members of GusuLan are actual people, like the rest of us... not these untouchable gods they try to make themselves out to be.”
“We’re not gods,” Lan Jingyi couldn’t help but chuckle. “But I can see why you’d think that... before Senior Wei came back it was impossible to live up to their standards. Even after it’s still... hard. Sizhui is a model Lan and even he got punished so much though...I suppose a lot of his punishments were my fault, when we were kids.”
“What do you mean?”
“I never meant to be a bad kid,” Jingyi pulled his legs up to his chest, resting his chin on his knees. It was a very unLan-like position but he didn’t care. He wasn’t a Lan under this tree - he was just Jingyi. “I really tried to follow the rules, but even when I was a child so many of them didn’t make sense to me. Our motto is to always uphold righteousness, but I would be punished if what I thought was righteous went against the rules. Sizhui always had my back, though. He believed in me, and did what he could to lighten my punishments, and if he couldn’t lighten them, he would find a way to be blamed as well, so we’d at least be punished together. Hanguang-Jun tried to intervene but even he couldn’t go against the Elders... not again.”
“What do you mean ‘again’?” Jiang Wanyin was looking at him fully, his eyes shining with interest and concern.
“That’s... a long story,” Lan Jingyi closed his eyes for a moment. “He... went against the Clan Elders and received thirty-three lashes from the disciple whip.”
Given the way Wanyin sucked in a sharp breath, it seemed the reputation of the disciple whip was known across the sects.
“Sizhui and I were only three... it was right when he was brought into Cloud Recesses. We spent a lot of time together because Hanguang-Jun was healing, then he was placed into seclusion for three years. I would help Sizhui sneak in to see him, but we got caught and were forbidden... that didn’t stop us for long though! We just found another way.”
“Brought in?” Wanyin tasted the words. “Wei Wuxian introduced Lan Sizhui as his son... even if I’m supposed to be forty five, there’s no way he could have a son that age, right? And who is the mother? Wei Wuxian was always a flirt but he always claimed he would never settle down...”
“Ah, he’s adopted,” Lan Jingyi felt safe saying that much. “Senior Wei raised Sizhui for a short while before Hanguang-Jun brought him to Cloud Recess. It was a not-so-hidden secret among the Elders because Sizhui always acted like the perfect little Lan but he was still ostracized. It wasn’t until we were nine or ten that I realized he wasn’t actually Hanguang-Jun’s biological son but that didn’t stop him from loving Sizhui as if he were.”
“Wei Wuxian sounded so... proud of the kid,” Jiang Wanyin’s voice dropped. “Like a real father...”
“Did-did your father- was he not proud of you?” Lan Jingyi couldn’t fathom it. When Jiang Wanyin curled in more on himself, Jingyi felt like smacking himself. “I’m sorry! That was rude I just- how could he not be proud of you? Sect Leader- Young Master Jiang, you’re an incredible cultivator. Even the history books speak so highly of you from a young age. I just can’t wrap my head around your father not realizing that.”
“What?” The question was so broken.
“Well, even if he was stupid and wasn’t proud of you, the rest of the cultivation world is.”
“What-what happened to him?”
“He-” Lan Jingyi knew he was treading into dangerous territory. “He gave his life to save yours... he and the Violet Spider both. They sacrificed themselves to save you and Senior Wei...”
“I had a feeling they were gone,” Jiang Wanyin sounded choked. “Mother never would have allowed the disciples to shoot down kites in the middle of the day...”
“If it’s any comfort, you’ve brought YunmengJiang to extreme prestige, all on your own,” Lan Jingyi didn’t know how to comfort the younger man. “You... you’re a hero, and a legend. You undid all the years of toxic mindsets and rewrote your sect’s place in history.”
“On... my own?” Jiang Wanyin looked as though Lan Jingyi had struck him. “What about Wei Wuxian? I know we fight sometimes but- but he’s my brother! Surely he- he was there to help me, right?”
“I... I don’t know how to answer that without hurting you, young master Jiang,” Lan Jingyi answered honestly. He hated the way Wanyin’s face crumbled. “There’s... so much that has happened since you were eighteen. I was too young to remember any of it, but we learn about it in classes.”
“Learn about what?”
“The Sunshot campaign,” Now Jingyi felt like crying. “The war that-that brought down the Wen Clan.”
“Those damn Wen-dogs,” Jiang Wanyin snarled. “I should have known-”
“Don’t say that,” Lan Jingyi snapped. The sudden chill in his tone made Wanyin freeze, eyes wide and trained on the Lan disciple. Lan Jingyi took a calming breath, trying to remember what he had been taught growing up. Once he was sure he wouldn’t snap again, he tried again. “The Wen clan committed... unspeakable atrocities, yes. They killed so many people... but the crimes of a few do not reflect on the morals of the whole.”
“What-what do you mean?”
“It was a lesson the cultivation world learned far too late,” Lan Jingyi scrubbed his eyes with his sleeve, trying to prevent the tears he could feel clinging to his lashes from falling. “After the war... the Wens were hunted like animals to near extinction... only a few remain, publically at least. If anyone else survived, they’ve kept their birth names hidden.”
“Wait... that would mean every Wen was killed,” Jiang Wanyin’s tone begged him to deny the claims. “Even... the women... the children...”
Lan Jingyi couldn’t answer, even if he had a response. The truth sunk deep into Jiang Wanyin’s bones, carving deep, oozing marks into his very soul.
“How did we let it get that bad?” He asked softly.
“Anger,” Lan Jingyi replied, equally as soft. “Resentment. Fear. Grief. The war killed... so many people, from every sect. People were devastated and demanded retribution. Power corrupts, and even though they brought down Wen Rouhan, the power just shifted hands.”
“Tell me about myself.” Jiang Wanyin said suddenly.
“About yourself?” Jingyi blinked before humming. “You’re an incredible cultivator. Like I said, you rebuilt YunmengJiang from the ground up and reminded people why you were one of the five major sects... You’re prickly, but I can tell it’s because you’ve been through so much. You try to act like nothing phases you, but the first time I saw you storm into a night hunt that Jin Ling was on, you were.... Ethereal. Zidian was crackling and Sandu was gleaming in the moonlight and the look on your face was terrifying but also breathtaking. I was so scared of you for a second, but when you saw Jin Ling bleeding I saw the horror in your eyes and knew in that moment that you were a good person under your reputation.”
“Jin Ling... he’s that kid from earlier, right? The one who looked familiar? Why is he so important to me?” Jiang Wanyin asked, and if Jingyi didn’t know any better he might have thought the young Sect Leader was...
Blushing?
“He’s...” Lan Jingyi trailed off, realizing he was once again wading through treacherous waters. “Your nephew.”
“My- a nephew? From Wei Wuxian? No, that idiot wouldn’t have a kid so prickly... the A-Jie? But he’s a Jin! Which means... A-Jie ended up with that damn Peacock after all!” He steamed, moving as if to stand. “I’ll break his nose-”
“Sit down,” Jingyi grabbed onto Jiang Wanyin’s sleeve and pulled him back down. “It’s another long story.”
“It seems that’s all you have for me,” Jiang Wanyin huffed, leaning back against the tree. “It’s just one long story after another. Isn’t anything simple?”
“If only,” Lan Jingyi chuckled before falling silent. “The war... it took many lives...”
“You’ve said that already.”
“Um... out of the Jiang family,” Lan Jingyi felt his skin crawling. How did he find himself in this situation!? Sizhui would have been a thousand times better at handling such dangerous topics!
“Only... only you and Senior Wei survived, and even then it was only you, for a while...”
“W-what?”
“You’re the sole survivor of-”
“Do you mean A-Jie is-” Jiang Wanyin lashed out, knocking Lan Jingyi to the ground, his trembling fists clutching the front of the older boy’s white robes tightly. His face was red with anger but it did nothing to hide the tears brimming his eyes. “A-Jie is-is dead?”
“I’m-I’m so sorry, young master Jiang...” Lan Jingyi closed his eyes, bracing himself for... he wasn’t sure. He knew of Sect Leader Jiang’s infamous temper, so he probably wouldn’t be too surprised if he was punched, but when no blow hit he risked opening a single eye.
“What the fuck did you mean it was only me for a while?” Jiang Wanyin didn’t release his hold of Jingyi’s robes, but he didn’t sound murderous anymore.
“Senior Wei... also died,” Lan Jingyi’s throat felt like it was being filled with sand. “He was dead for-for thirteen years, and was brought back by a body offering array almost eight years ago...”
“So that’s why Lan Wangji took that kid in? Because Wei Wuxian got himself killed?”
“In a sense...”
“I’m sick of this cryptic bullshit!” Wanyin snapped, shaking Lan Jingyi by the robes harshly. “Just give me a straight answer damnit! What. Happened?”
“From what we’re taught the Yilling Patriarch used the last of his life force to destroy the seal and-and as soon as it was gone, the corpses he was controlling turned on him!” Lan Jingyi hated this part of the story. Even before he knew Senior Wei - before Jin Guangyao’s schemes had been revealed and Wei Wuxian had been cleared of his crimes - it was the hardest part of the whole story to hear about but now that he had the chance to meet Wei Wuxian? To be trained and mentored and praised by the feared Yilling Patriarch? It made the story even more painful. “He-he willingly died, to stop anyone else from using the seal’s power!”
“A-Yi, that’s enough,” A soft voice made them both freeze. Wei Wuxian let himself into the little grove, his ageless face looking so exhausted as he gently removed Jiang Wanyin’s hands from Lan Jingyi’s robes. “It’s good I found you two. Lan Zhan was getting worried when you didn’t return.”
“Senior Wei!” Lan Jingyi didn’t know why, but he felt like he had been caught committing an unspeakable crime. “I-”
“You did well finding him, Jingyi,” Wei Wuxian reached out and ruffled the younger man’s hair fondly. “I’m sure A-Ling and A-Yuan are anxiously awaiting your return. I heard them say something about waiting to eat until you got back.”
“Yes, Senior Wei.” Lan Jingyi bowed but he couldn’t stop himself from glancing over at Wanyin, who was looking blankly at his boots.
“Don’t worry,” Wei Wuxian ruffled his hair again. “Jiang Cheng’s a strong boy. He’ll be alright... you could both use some sleep after today, yeah?”
“But-” Lan Jingyi began to argue, but seeing the look in Wei Wuxian’s eye he shut his mouth as if he had been hit by the Lan silencing charm.
“Jiang Cheng, you’ll catch a cold if you keep sitting in the damp grass like this,” Wei Wuxian continued in his soft tone. He helped his brother to his feet, smiling sadly as he brushed some leaves from Jiang Wanyin’s hair. “I had them heat up some bath water for you, and Lan Zhan is getting our dinners. Why don’t we go wash up and eat something?”
“Okay...” Jiang Wanyin grumbled, eyes still glued to his boots.
Lan Jingyi followed behind the two out of the tree. He hadn’t realized how late it had gotten but he could see the sky beginning to turn rainbow with the impending sunset. They walked in silence until they came to a fork in the docks. He knew he would have to go left to meet up with his friends, and that Wei Wuxian would take Jiang Wanyin right, towards the Sect Leader’s chambers.
He bowed, hands clasped in front of him, without a word but just as they were about to walk away, he gave way to impulse. It had always been the worst habit he had, being so impulsive. It went against so many rules, and labeled him a trouble maker, but it was something that Hanguang-Jun had praised him for, when he was young,
“You act impulsively because you know what is right and wrong to you, yes?” Hanguang-Jun’s voice had been so soft. So gentle. It made little Lan Jingyi’s eyes immediately water. When was the last time someone spoke so kindly to him, other than A-Yuan?
“I don’t mean to be a bad Lan,” He had whimpered, tears still streaming down chubby cheeks. “I really don’t!”
“I know,” Hanguang-Jun hadn’t smiled at him, but there was something warm in the man’s golden eyes that made his tears slow. “It takes a lot of bravery to act on what you believe is right.
Too many stand by and watch injustice occur because they’re too scared to speak out... others may judge you for your actions, but as long as you do what you believe is just, you will never do the Lan name a disservice.”
“What-” Jiang Wanyin yelped as he was pulled into a tight hug. Lan Jingyi hadn’t thought before moving, but something told him it was the right thing to do. After a beat of standing still as stone in his arms, Wanyin relaxed into the embrace, even going as far as to lat a single hand rest on the small of Jingyi’s back in return.
“You’re okay,” Jingyi promised vehemently. “You’re going to be okay, yeah? We’re going to figure out what happened and you’ll be back to normal soon. Just... trust us.”
Jiang Wanyin didn’t say anything, but neither did he pull away from the embrace. They stayed like that for a few more moments before Jiang Wanyin finally stepped away. He refused to look Lan Jingyi in the eye, but his ears were burning red and his lashes were suspiciously damp.
“Go eat something,” He snapped, no fire behind his words whatsoever. “I hope they put extra chili in your bowl.”
“Jokes on you,” Lan Jingyi grinned wide. “I’ve gotten used to chili oil! Jin Ling loves the stuff so Sizhui and I both forced ourselves to tolerate it to make him happy.”
“Oh...” Jiang Wanyin’s face softened a fraction. “I’m glad he... had friends like you, then.”
“He had a good man to raise him,” Lan Jingyi hoped his smile was reassuring. “Goodnight, Senior Wei, Young Master Jiang.”
Before he could do anything else embarrassing, Lan Jingyi all but flew down the pier, away from where the two cultivators stood. He stormed into the dining hall where Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui were already waiting for him. A few Jiang disciples were milling about, but at that hour most had finished eating and left ages ago.
“There you are!” Jin Ling shot to his feet. “We were starting to think you drowned in the lake!”
“Did you find Sect Leader Jiang?” Lan Sizhui asked as Jingyi joined them at the table.
“Mhm,” Lan Jingyi hummed, accepting a bowl and a pair of chopsticks. As expected, the food had an ominous layer of red, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. “He was hiding under a tree by the lake... we talked for a while.”
“What did you talk about?” Sizhui asked, placing a piece of lotus into Jingyi’s bowl without missing a beat.
“Uh... he asked me questions about what he doesn’t know,” Jingyi felt the back of his neck burn in shame. He placed his bowl down just in time to bury his face in his hands and scream into his palms. “I’m such an idiot! Why did I have to be the one to find him!? I probably ruined everything!”
“What sort of things did he ask you about?” Sizhui asked, rubbing a comforting hand along Lan Jingyi’s arm.
“About... why everything looked different, and how old he was supposed to be. I tried to steer away from anything too intense but he seemed to read between every line and asked the worst questions! I ended up telling him a brief history of the Sunshot campaign... I tried so hard to soften the blows but I have no idea if I made everything worse...”
He trailed off, sniffling back tears. Now that the whole situation had passed, he felt so much shame about how he handled it all. Gods above, he did everything wrong, just as he always did! He just wanted to comfort Wanyin somehow and in the end he made everything worse!
“Don’t cry,” Sizhui hummed softly. “You did what you thought was right... there’s no shame in that and I’m sure Sect Leader Jiang is smart enough to realize how hard you were trying, if he was smart enough to see through all your attempts at softening the information...”
“Yeah,” Jin Ling joined in. He moved to the side of the table where the other two were sitting, pressing himself against Jingyi’s open side. “My Uncle is a hot headed asshole sometimes, but he really does care. If you really tried to comfort him, I can guarantee he noticed. He just sucks at expressing himself, so don’t take it the wrong way if he avoids you for a bit. He’s probably just embarrassed about how he reacted to everything.”
“If anything I’m the one who’s embarrassed.” Lan Jingyi hid his face in his hands.
“Did you at least get any insight into what we came here for?” Jin Ling asked, trying to lighten the mood a little. Lan Jingyi’s head shot up before his whole face crumbled again.
“I’m such an idiot!” He screamed into his hands, barely registering the comforting hands on his arm and back and completely missing the snickers his friends were sharing at his expense.
Chapter 2: To Save Lan Jingyi's Virtue
Chapter Text
Lan Jingyi wandered the docks of Lotus Pier, not having slept very well the night before. He had been plagued with nightmares that he couldn’t quite remember when he woke up - all he could really recall was purple lighting and the feeling of disappointment settling deep in his chest as the sun began to rise. He knew Lan Sizhui was also awake, but there was no way Jin Ling would be up at five in the morning as well.
“Why do I always mess everything up?” He grumbled to himself before plopping down on the edge of one of the piers. It was the dry season in Yunmeng, which didn’t really mean much compared to Gusu, but the lake levels were low enough that he could dangle his feet over the edge and not risk wetting his shoes.
The lakes of Lotus Pier really were breathtaking, he thought to himself as he watched the sun continue to rise. It reflected off the calm waters, the colors bright and soothing. It was nothing like the ponds in Cloud Recesses. He had been shocked at how... colorful the world could truly be, the first time he left Cloud Recesses. He had been raised in a world of pure white, so seeing places like Yunmeng with its loud people and brilliant shades of purple had given him quite the case of culture shock.
He had made a point to at least pass through the area whenever he had the chance, even if it was selfish of him to postpone an important mission by a few hours. He claimed it was to gather information which - technically - was never a lie! But more importantly he wanted to soak in the sights and sounds and scents of a world so very different from his own. He wanted to absorb as much of it as he could, storing it close to his heart for when he returned to his world of white.
“It’s you.” A voice made him jump.
“Sect Leader- Young Master Jiang,” He winced. He didn’t think he would ever be able to get that right. It was just another thing to add to the list of things he continuously screwed up. “You’re up early...”
“Couldn’t sleep,” Jiang Wanyin huffed before plopping down on the power beside the other cultivator. “Wei Wuxian is still adamant about keeping things from me. He didn’t expect me to have turned to journaling, it seems.”
He shifted and pulled two well-loved notebooks from his robes. He stared at them, as if they could come to life and finally explain everything that was happening to him but of course they didn’t.
“I never took you for the type to journal.” Lan Jingyi said the first thing that came to mind and internally winced. Thankfully, the comment wasn’t taken poorly. In fact, it even elicited a chuckle from Jiang Wanyin.
“Me neither,” He hummed, thumbing through one of the journals. Lan Jingyi couldn’t make out what was written but he was surprised to see extremely neat handwriting filling nearly every inch of the pages. “It looks like I started right when.... When Wei Wuxian went missing after Qionqui pass.”
“Oh shit...” Lan Jingyi breathed in horror.
“I stayed up all night reading them,” He continued. “There’s a few gaps, but other than that I seemed to be very diligent. Even in the past couple of years I was making sure to write down everything that happened - not just important events, but domestic ones too.”
“Well, I guess you don’t need me to fill in any gaps,” Lan Jingyi muttered. “If you have the whole story-”
“I don’t,” Jiang Wanyin slammed the book onto the wood of the pier. “I don’t- how could I have... I don’t understand.”
“Understand what?”
“Any of it,” He buried his face in his hands. “In the journals I was so-so angry. I blamed everything on Wei Wuxian... but I don’t understand how I let it get that bad! Yeah he’s a bit of an ass sometimes, but I know he would never put me in danger - he’d never risk our home like that! But I was so convinced... that it was all his fault.”
“Grief makes us do unexplainable things.”
“Before he was brought back, I did horrible things,” Jiang Wanyin continued, as if he had forgotten that he had company. “I’d capture anyone I thought might be a demonic cultivator and I’d-I’d torture them! I wrote it all out! I-I documented my crimes and I sounded so fucking proud of them!”
“You’re not the same person who did those things,” Lan Jingyi, once again, cursed whatever forces had him be the one in this position. He had never been good at comforting people, even if his attempts were all genuine. “We’ve all done things we regret. All we can do is grow from those things and remind ourselves to continuously improve who we are.”
“If anyone’s the monster, it’s me,” He whispered, his voice barely audible over the sounds of the world finally waking up around them. “It-it was never Wei Wuxian... it was always me-”
“You can’t think that way,” Lan Jingyi cut him off. “If you let yourself drown in resentment, you really will become the monster you think you are. Young Master Jiang, you’re a strong man with admirable morals. You’re hardworking and kind, even if people can’t see that at first. You did what you felt you needed to do in order to make things right again, and even if those things weren’t.... Great.... You still did what you thought was right and I know for a fact that Senior Wei doesn’t blame you for anything.”
“How could he not?”
“I remember the first time you invited him to Lotus Pier,” Lan Jingyi recalled, the positive memory tinged with sadness. “He... didn’t believe it at first. He thought there had been some sort of mix up - that the letter had been meant for Hanguang-Jun instead. We had been goofing off- I mean, training, and he did the thing he always does where he speaks all his thoughts out loud.”
“What sort of thoughts?”
“Thoughts like... how he didn’t deserve to come back, and how you’d probably rescind the invite the second you saw him again. He didn’t believe that you’d ever want him back in your life, and he seemed... not content, but he seemed like he was willing to live with that fact, because he blamed himself for everything that happened. He still does, but he tries his best to not show it.”
“He’s such an idiot...”
“That’s what we say!” Lan Jingyi chuckled, earning a small, lopsided smirk. “He was planning on declining the invite when we got word that there had been an attack by Yunmeng. Before any of us could even get properly dressed for travel, Senior Wei and Hanguang-Jun were already halfway here. From what I heard afterwards, Senior Wei got hurt pretty badly, but he was just so happy that you were safe, even if he thought you still hated him.”
“I can’t believe I let him think I hated him,” His words were dangerously wet. “I failed him... I just- I always assumed he’d be by my side. I never fathomed that he might leave me one day... especially not because I drove him away. I’m a failure-”
“You brought your sect back from the brink of extinction,” Lan Jingyi cut him off again. “You helped save the world against Wen Rouhan. You raised Jin Ling into a smart, brave, bullheaded young man. You spent years tearing yourself between Lotus Pier and Koi Tower to make sure he had the support and love he needed. You all but eradicated poverty in Yunmeng and built schools for children who can’t become cultivators. You inspired a whole generation of cultivators to work harder and do better... Young Master Jiang, you are anything but a failure... I can understand why you might think that way but what you read was written with a film of bias. You were angry and grieving when you wrote those journals. They don’t reflect what actually happened, or who you are as a person.”
“I don’t know how you can spin all of that in such a positive light,” Jiang Wanyin sounded pained. “I was complicit in genocide. How many of those so-called Demonic Cultivators that I tortured were really just... people trying to survive? How much blood was spilled by my hand? Those are sins I can never repent for.”
“You lived through... unprecedented times,” Lan Jingyi started carefully. “You cannot base your actions and the repercussions on what would be morally upstanding to today’s standards. Right now, what happened would have been devastating, and it was devastating back then too! But then it was needed. It was a necessary evil. If you hadn’t done those things, who knows how many more innocent people would have died? What if Wen Rouhan had won the war? The world as we know it would have been reduced to ashes... there would have been no Lotus Pier to revive. There would have been no cultivation world to rebuild... yes, you did bad things, but who didn’t? Name one person involved in the war that didn’t have any blood on their hands. Who committed no crimes and boasted no sins.”
“But-”
“At a certain point, it’s no longer punishing yourself,” Lan Jingyi continued softly. “It becomes self-torture. When I was little, I would get in trouble a lot. I know I told you a little about it before, but there was so much more to it... there was one time when I was seven or so. I had spoken out of turn and disrespected Grandmaster Qiren in class. I don’t even remember what it was about at this point, but I remember being so...so mad that I yelled directly at him. He had enough of my disrespect and ordered one of the elders to punish me with a single strike from the disciple whip.”
“What?” Jiang Wanyin sucked in a horrified gasp.
“It wasn’t taken well,” Jingyi chuckled ruefully. “Of course Sizhui told Hanguang-Jun immediately, and he came rushing in before they could do anything but I had been petrified. Even if they hadn’t actually whipped me, I had been so scared that something in me broke. After that I didn’t speak, not even when I was asked questions in class. Sizhui begged me to speak to him - even if I wouldn’t speak to the adults, that I could trust him! But I couldn’t... I was so scared and ashamed. I realized if I had just... been better, none of this would have happened. I started to resent the elders, not for trying to punish me but for not going through with it. I told myself that... if I had been whipped, maybe it would have fixed me the way all my past punishments weren’t able to. If they had whipped me, maybe I would have been the Lan they always wanted me to be... For weeks Sizhui and even Hanguang-Jun tried to help me but I felt like they were trying to make me bad again. I accidentally almost spoke in class, a few days before the one month mark and I panicked. I ran out of class and vowed to make myself better so I taught myself the silencing spell. I only ever used it on myself, to stop myself from speaking, or from crying. After about a month and a half of me punishing myself, Grandmaster Qiren pulled me aside and tried to ask what was wrong. For a while I refused to answer but eventually I wrote down what was wrong. I’ve never seen him look so horrified before.”
“And you were seven?” Jiang Wanyin sounded equally as horrified.
“He finally sat me down and explained to me that while he wants what's best for us, sometimes we make mistakes. He wanted me to be calmer, and quieter, but what I was doing to myself was more than just reflection or punishment. He was the one who used the term ‘self-torture’ and it felt like he had dumped a bucket of cold water over my head when he said it. I never thought of it like that because to me, I was just trying to make myself better. To me, I deserved it. After that talk he had me meeting with the healers three times a week. It took another month or so before I was comfortable enough to speak in class again, and after that Grandmaster Qiren was more lenient with me. After Senior Wei began living in Cloud Recesses, I think Grandmaster saw him doing a lot of the same things I did. I don’t know exactly what happened between them, but one day they went to speak privately and weren’t seen until hours later and ever since then things have been much better.”
“I’m glad that things are easier,” Jiang Wanyin said after a moment of silence. “And I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m... I’m glad you didn’t change because of it, because I’d hate to think of missing out on getting to know the you that you are now.”
“I think baby me would have loved to know that there’s someone who appreciates who he’ll grow to be,” Lan Jingyi hummed. “I was always told that I’d never find a proper spouse if I continued being so unruly.”
“A spouse? Aren’t you too young to think about that sort of thing?” For a second, he almost sounded like the grown man he was supposed to be.
“Technically I’m older than you now,” Jingyi snickered. “I’m twenty six! The only reason we haven’t been hounded by the matchmakers yet is because Hanguang-Jun keeps beating them off with a stick. Though they’re more interested in Sizhui - not that I blame them.”
“Matchmakers are stupid anyway,” Jiang Wanyin scowled as he looked out over the lake. “Either marry for love or for political relations. Matchmakers just shove people together without thought for either of those things.”
“No wonder...”
“No wonder what?”
“It’s no wonder Young Master Jiang has been blacklisted by all the matchmakers in Yunmeng if that’s his mindset on the whole process!”
“Wh- what do you mean you brat?” Jiang Wanyin jumped to his feet but Lan Jingyi was faster. Racing away from the steaming Jiang Wanyin, Jingyi couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled past his lips. It felt like when he would provoke Jin Ling into chasing him - it was freeing, somehow.
“Got you!” A voice said, fair too close to his face for comfort.
“Wh-” Lan Jingyi yelped as he was suddenly thrown into the air. Bracing for impact, he was expecting the lack of a landing. Cracking open one eye, he was even more shocked to see an expanse of purple fabric.
“That’s what you get,” Jiang Wanyin said, the grin evident in his voice even if all Jingyi could see was the younger man’s back from where he was perched on his shoulder. “Did you really think you could outrun me on my own turf? Even if it looks different I still know Lotus Pier like the back of my hand.”
“This one surrenders,” Lan Jingyi grinned, gripping the back of Wanyin’s robes even though he was fully confident the other man would never drop him. “I’ve been captured fair and square. I suppose I’m vulnerable to your whims, Young Master Jiang!”
“You certainly are,” Jiang Wanyin scoffed, continuing to carry Jingyi somewhere unknown. “Now behave.”
“Behaving has never been my strong suit,” Lan Jingyi was beginning to panic a little - not because he though Jiang Wanyin would do something to him, but because this was uncharted territory for him. Even when he baited and roughoused with Jin Ling, the younger man always caved before it could go too far but now too far had come and gone. Jingyi could feel the warmth from Wanyin’s body soaking through his layers of robes and it was making his ears burn. He needed a way out of this before something embarrassing happened. “Though maybe Younger Master Jiang prefers those who misbehave?”
He felt Wanyin freeze under him. Letting out a breath of relief, he was prepared to be dropped unceremoniously on his ass. When that didn’t happen, Lan Jingyi’s eyes bugged out of his head.
“You really have been spending too much time with Wei Wuxian,” Jiang Wanyin scoffed, his grip on Lan Jingyi’s waist tightening when his captive wiggled a little. Jingyi couldn’t stop the yelp that jumped from his lips at the sensation. “Where else would a Lan learn such words?”
“J-Jingyi?” Jin Ling’s undignified squawk made Jingyi release his grip on Jiang Wanyin’s robes in favor of covering his face, which he was sure glowed like a beacon of crimson.
“Young Master Jiang, what are you-” Poor Sizhui tried to intervene but it seemed even at eighteen, Jiang Wanyin was a force to be reckoned with.
“I’m taking him to my chambers,” He all but snarled. It wasn’t quite the authoritative tone he used as Sect Leader, but rather one that boasted the future of authority. Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui skidded to a stop behind them, allowing Jingyi a perfect view of their gobsmacked expressions. “No one bother us.”
“This wasn’t part of the plan!” Jin Ling steamed.
“Plan?” Jiang Wanyin paused, turning to look at his nephew. Jin Ling instantly froze and suddenly found the swirls in the wood beneath his feet extremely interesting.
“Ignore them,” Lan Jingyi said, his words hinting at the hysterics building in his chest. “What are you planning on doing with me?”
“Oh, you’ll see.” Jiang Wanyin said cryptically. There was a choked sound, but given how Jin Ling hadn’t even blinked in the last few seconds, Jingyi knew it wasn’t him.
“I don’t think Hanguang-Jun and Senior Wei will take to you corrupting my innocence very well!” Lan Jingyi tried again, attempting to wiggle his way out of the younger man’s grasp to no avail. Even if he held the champion title of most rules copied while handstanding, and therefore had the strongest arms in the Lan sect, that prestige did little when he was being held like a sack of potatoes.
“Innocence, he says...” Jiang Wanyin scoffed and for a second Jingyi felt slightly offended. That offense was quickly washed away by trepidation when Jiang Wanyin threw open a door with his free hand, slamming it shut behind them. Lan Jingyi tried to take in the room they were in from his awkward angle but all he could really see was polished wood and various shades of purple.
“Oof!” He let out a yelp when he was suddenly tossed onto something soft.
“I did actually bring you here for a reason.” Jiang Wanyin said, looking down at Jingyi.
“What reason could you have for kidnapping me and throwing me on your bed?” Lan Jingyi snapped, drawing his legs up to his chest like a maiden trying to preserve her virtue.
“I need a fresh set of eyes,” Jiang Wanyin either didn’t pick up on what Jingyi was implying, or he simply didn’t care. Jingyi wasn’t sure which was more irritating. After a beat, the younger man’s words finally sunk in. Jiang Wanyin tossed him a journal, similar to the ones he had tucked in his robes, with pages yellowed with age. “Like I said... everything I wrote is dripping with resentment. I... you seem to know a more neutral series of events, or at least more neutral than whatever the fuck I was feeling.”
“You want me to read your journals and tell you how much of it is real?” Lan Jingyi clarified, a strange warmth growing in his chest.
“Do you want me to spell it out for you?” Jiang Wanyin snapped before closing his eyes and taking a deep, grounding breath. “Sorry... I- yes. I would like for you to read some of the entries I marked and give me a more objective version of what happened.”
“I can do that,” Jingyi agreed instantly. “I apologize in advance if I can’t help much though... Even if the history texts were altered to reflect the truth as it came out, I’m sure there’s much of what we learned that’s still biased.”
“Anything is better than what I wrote,” Jiang Wanyin sat down at a desk on the other side of the room that Lan Jingyi hadn’t even noticed, which wasn’t strange in itself because it was so absolutely smothered in paperwork that there was no visible desk to notice. “I just... I’ve been trying to wrap my head around everything on top of having Wei Wuxian trying to needle information out of me.”
“What kind of information?” Jingyi asked, mindlessly flipping through the pages. He saw a few entries that had been emphasized with paper markers. It didn’t escape his attention that these particular entries were written hastily, the handwriting slanted and rushed. It was clear, compared to the other entries, that these were written during times of high emotion. No wonder Wanyin wanted those particular ones decoded.
“Where I was two nights ago,” Jiang Wanyin answered, sounding exhausted. “What I was doing. Who I was with. Who I might have pissed off enough to curse me... all things I don’t remember.”
“I don’t recall hearing of any night hunts in the area,” Jingyi said mindlessly. “If you needed to get away right now, where would you go?”
“Um... there’s a patch of woods on the other side of Lotus Pier that I go to when I need to clear my head,” Jiang Wanyin confessed. “Mother always scolded me for going out there because it was unbecoming of her heir to wander the woods aimlessly, and Father would always chime in about how dangerous it was because of the spirits and animated corpses that pop up there. It’s technically still a part of Yunmeng, but because it’s so far away from any civilians, we don’t really focus too hard on exorcising the things that live there. Sometimes we’ll take the younger disciples back there for night hunt training, but otherwise we simply let it exist.”
“We’ll tell Senior Wei to check back there then,” Lan Jingyi offered Jiang Wanyin a warm smile. Wanyin seemed shocked by the gesture, pulling his head back slightly. “If there are spirits that reside there, Hanguang-Jun can perform Inquiry to ask if they’ve seen anything suspicious.”
“That’s... smart.” Jiang Wanyin said simply.
“I have a good idea now and again,” Jingyi shrugged as he flipped open to the first marked entry. “But now let’s take a look at this.”
The entry was dated a few days after the siege of the Burial Mounds. Lan Jingy felt his heart sink when he recognized the date, for it was an infamous one. While many things in their history texts had been changed over the years, the Siege of the Burial Mounds was one that remained bloody and violent regardless of how many alterations to the story were made.
It only got worse when he remembered that Sizhui had been there that day. He had been too young to really understand what was happening, but the fact that his dearest friend had been close enough to the violence to hear the screams of his family...
Lan Jingyi felt sick to his stomach.
Pushing the feeling down, he began to read. He could feel Jiang Wanyin’s eyes burning into his face but he was a fast reader, so it was only a few minutes before he was snapping it closed again.
“Well?” Jiang Wanyin asked, sounding impatient.
“I...” Lan Jingyi tried to school his breathing, but certain lines seemed to echo through his mind.
That bastard deserved everything he got. My only regret was that he was torn to shreds by his own puppets before I could strike the finishing blow. At least Sandu got to taste his vile blood.
“It’s bad, isn’t it?”
He turned against everyone for the sake of some Wen-dogs! Worthless, pathetic Wens who were better off dead to begin with... and yet he sided with them. He chose them over us. Over me.
“The siege is... bad, regardless of the perspective,” Lan Jingyi said carefully. “The truth of that day can’t be softened.”
Why? Why did he choose them? What did they have that we didn’t? Why would he throw everything we had away? He was supposed to be my brother, and he abandoned me! Scorned me! Was it something I did? Or was it impossible to ever make him stay? If I had been more - been better - would he have stayed?
“You said yesterday that... that he willingly got himself killed,” Wanyin sounded choked, but he refused to look up. He was staring at a piece of paper from his desk but it was clear he wasn’t seeing anything on it. “But according to my journal, I was the one who killed him.”
“Sandu-Shengshou injured the Yilling Patriarch during the siege of the Burial Mounds, but that was not what caused him to perish,” Lan Jingyi recited dutifully. Even if he was punished often, that didn’t mean he was stupid. “When I was younger, we were taught that he lost control of his demonic cultivation and it caused the corpses to turn on him, tearing him to shreds... but after Senior Wei came back he told his side of the story. He said that... that the only way to destroy the seal was to, well...”
“Just spit it out.” Jiang Wanyin snapped. He put the paper down but Jingyi could see the way it had been shaking.
“He killed himself,” Lan Jingyi whispered. “He said he had nothing left to live for... that having you attack him was the last lifeline he had... that he felt at peace with the decision because he would be saving everyone from the dangers of the seal... and from himself.”
“That idiot...” Wanyin grit his teeth, his eyes instantly glassy.
“Senior Wei had wanted to die, and he said being able to rest while also taking out such a dangerous artifact was a fitting end for him,” Lan Jingyi could feel bile in the back of his throat. It was just as hard to speak about as it was to hear it the first time. “He said that he deserved to be ripped to shreds because then he wouldn’t be allowed to reincarnate, since there would be no body to do funeral rites for...”
“FUCK!” Jiang Wanyin shot to his feet and before Lan Jingyi could react, the younger man was punching the wall with all his strength. The wood creaked loudly, a thin crack appearing along its natural pattern. Jiang Wanyin breathed heavily, his fist still pressed against the new dent in his wall. It wasn’t until Lan Jingyi saw blood dripping that he snapped out of his shock.
“You’re calling him an idiot when you go around doing stuff like that?” He scolded, going to Wanyin’s side and taking his hand. His knuckles were split but he didn’t think they were broken, thankfully. Sending a burst of spiritual energy, he was pleased to see the cuts closing. He pulled a handkerchief from his sleeve - one he started carrying when he was much younger, when he realized Jin Ling had a habit of crying when he was mad, or overwhelmed, or embarrassed - and dabbed the blood away.
“He... used to talk about dying when we were younger,” Jiang Wanyin said after a minute of silence. He was staring at the dent in his wall, but his gaze was far away. “When father first brought him to Lotus Pier, he was too scared to say much of anything, but when he got comfortable around us he would let comments slip here and there.”
“Comments?”
“Like... when Mother would punish him, he would say things like ‘it’s not like it’ll kill me, and even if it does it’s not that big of a deal’ or when we would go night hunting he would always throw himself into danger and when I would call him out on it he’d laugh it off and go ‘I’ve been living on borrowed time since Uncle brought me back’ and shit like that. It always pissed me the fuck off because- because we were supposed to have eachother’s backs no matter what and when he would joke like that, it made it sound like he didn’t plan on sticking around... Though it seems that’s exactly what happened, isn’t it?”
“Senior Wei didn’t leave because he stopped caring for you,” Lan Jingyi swore. “I know rumors spread like wildfire when he defected from the Jiang sect, but looking back it was obviously to protect you. He even admitted it, when Hanguang-Jun finally convinced him to write down his perspective of everything.”
“Protect me? How?” It was clear he wanted to have some bite to the question but rather than a knifes’ edge, his words were desperate.
“He knew the resentful energy was corrupting him,” Lan Jingyi felt like he was revealing some sort of dark secret, even if this information was common knowledge at this point. “And that public opinion of him was getting worse with each passing day. To him, the only option he had to keep his sins from affecting you and the Jiang sect was to leave. He was scared that his mistakes would cause you pain... though it caused you pain regardless...”
“He’s such an idiot...”
“He loves you. He always has,” Jingyi wanted to pull Jiang Wanyin into a hug but refrained. He had a feeling the physical contact wouldn’t be appreciated just yet. “And I can tell you loved him too, even after everything.”
“How can you tell that? Not from my journal.” Jiang Wanyin wouldn’t look away from the dent in the wall.
“Yes, from your journal,” Lan Jingyi retorted. It was enough of a shocking response that the younger man couldn’t help but rip his eyes away to stare at Jingyi, jaw dropped. “Young Master Jiang... Yes, you were clearly angry when you wrote that. You were blaming Senior Wei, and the Wen remnants, but it seemed you were also blaming yourself for not being good enough to protect Senior Wei. Someone who genuinely hates another person wouldn’t give a shit how they feel about them.”
“Lans aren’t supposed to curse.” Jiang Wanyin said, clearly not thinking about the words coming from his mouth.
“Lans aren’t supposed to do a lot of the things I do,” Lan Jingyi chuckled. “But that’s what makes me special, yeah?”
“Yeah...” and the response was just a little too genuine for Jingyi to handle.
“I think you’re being a little too critical of yourself, Young Master Jiang,” He cleared his throat to stamp down the strange warmth in his chest. He had always admired Sandu-Shengshou, and despite the strange situation, it was Sandu-Shengshou himself who was speaking to him so casually. Praising him, even if it wasn’t outright praise. Trusting him with something like this, when he certainly didn’t have to. “You said your journals were so steeped in resentment and grief that you don’t trust your judgement but I don't think it reads like that at all! In fact, I think there’s more emotions in this than just anger.”
“Now I know you’re just making shit up,” Wanyin scoffed, and some of his usual bite was back in his tone. “Everyone knows anger is the only emotion I’m good at.”
“I don’t think that’s true at all,” Jingyi denied instantly. “Maybe it’s the one that is easiest to show, but I’ve seen you have all kinds of emotions. You show concern for Jin Ling all the time. You show pride when we finish a night hunt properly - especially when we do something outrageous that ends up working better than expected. That’s the Jiang motto after all: Attempt the impossible, right? When we do that, you always seem to glow with pride. You show sorrow when you think no one’s looking... You show joy when you’re training your disciples, or you get your way for something. So no, anger isn’t the only emotion you’re good at.”
“I... don’t know what to say when you get all genuine like that.” Jiang Wanyin growled, but Jingyi could see the way the back of his neck was pink and he thanked whatever gods were listening that Sect Leader Jiang preferred to keep his hair in a bun.
“You don’t have to say anything.” Jingyi shrugged, as if it was an easy suggestion.
“Are you any good at Inquiry?”
“Huh?” Lan Jingyi blinked, surprised by the sudden question. “I mean... I’m decent, I suppose. I was never very gifted in musical cultivation. Especially not the guqin, but Senior Wei has been tutoring me with a dizi and it fits my cultivation a little better... why?”
“If we’re going to talk to the spirits in the forest...” He trailed off, brows furrowing. He fidgeted in his spot, as if he were struggling to pick which words to actually say. “I’d rather it be with you. I don’t trust Lan Wangji as far as I can throw him.”
“Hanguang-Jun is definitely the best at Inquiry,” Lan Jingyi defended his senior. “Probably in the entire sect... but if you don’t want him there I swear to do my best.”
“Thank you,” Wanyin’s shoulders slumped. “I just... When we were all at Cloud Recesses together, Wei Wuxian would tease him endlessly, but only I got to see how bad it actually affected that idiot.”
“What do you mean?” Lan Jingyi was confused. Senior Wei wasn’t shy about recounting his misadventures as a student, boasting about getting a young Hanguang-Jun to break his icy facade.
“Wei Wuxian is a master of hiding what he’s really feeling,” Jiang Wanyin explained. “I’m one of the only people he was honest with, and even then I can always tell when he’s holding something back. He’s honest with our sister but-but even then he holds back more from her... when Lan Wangji would reject him, or treat him coldly, it seemed only I was able to see how upset it really made him. He would have trouble sleeping but would always make jokes to brush off my concern. Only a few times he broke enough to actually tell me what was on his mind. It really, really bothered him that Lan Wangji hated him. He would ask me... if he behaved, if Lan Wangji might look at him with something other than contempt. If he stopped acting like himself, if Lan Wangji might begin to tolerate him.”
“If it’s any comfort, they worked through their differences,” Lan Jingyi offered. Something about Senior Wei’s story felt a little too familiar. He could only hope that one day his own story might have an ending even a fraction as happy as Senior Wei’s. It also didn’t escape his attention that Jiang Wanyin spoke of his brother in the present tense. “They were married nearly six years ago.”
“I figured it was something like that,” He scoffed. “Wei Wuxian was clinging on Lan Wangji’s arm like algae on the top of a lake.”
“Apparently Hanguang-Jun loved Senior Wei since they were students together,” He could feel his cheeks warming. Their love story never failed to make Jingyi a little giddy. “But he didn’t know what the feelings were, or what to do about them so he pretended it was irritation and not fondness.”
“What?” Jiang Wanyin’s eyes widened. “The whole time he- they’re both fucking idiots! Holy shit!”
“Right?” Lan Jingyi chuckled as Wanyin continued to curse their stupidity. “Senior Wei still teases Hanguang-Jun about it to this day... it’s sweet.”
“Sweet enough to give you a stomach ache.”
“Do you want me to keep reading?”
“Why don’t we get breakfast?” Jiang Wanyin suggested with a sigh. “I haven’t eaten yet and I have a feeling we should make a public appearance before Wei Wuxian hears about what happened this morning-”
“Jiang Cheng if you’ve touched a hair on Jingyi’s head I swear to the gods it’ll be the last thing you do!” A furious voice called from nearby. Jiang Wanyin paled but Jingyi couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled up past his lips. Senior Wei really loved his dramatics.
“Oh fuck me-” Jiang Wanyin cowered a little. “He’s such a pain when he’s being protective.”
“Bet you’re not used to being on the other side of that, huh?” Lan Jingyi teased as he stood from the bed. “But you’re right - breakfast sounds great.”
“We can sneak out the back...”
“How mad do you think Senior Wei would be if I left your chambers with my hair mussed and my robes crooked?” Lan Jingyi asked, grinning at the way Jiang Wanyin let out a sound not unsimilar to a pheasant being shot at. In any other situation, Jingyi could almost hear the way Senior Wei would praise him for such a prank.
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“Oh I wouldn’t?”
“Get back here you brat!”
“I’m older than you! Show some respect!”
“Respect my ass!” Jiang Wanyin shouted as Lan Jingyi bolted from the Sect Leader’s chambers. He raced down the walkway, barely even noticing Senior Wei as he ran past. He laughed loudly as Jiang Wanyin skidded around a corner only to slide to a stop in front of his brother.
“Jingyi! Come back!” Jiang Wanyin called desperately. Jingyi glanced behind him just long enough to see Senior Wei pinching the younger man’s ear.
“I’ll save you a seat, Young Master Jiang!” He sang, earning a loud exclamation of rage as he ran away.
“You look a little too pleased with yourself.” Was the first thing Jin Ling said when Lan Jingyi finally sat down at their table, his robes sticking to the slight sheen of sweat that had coated his skin from the run.
“I don’t know what you mean,” He shrugged as he gratefully accepted a bowl from Lan Sizhui, who was shooting him a small smile that said ‘I know you’ve been getting into trouble’. He returned it with a smile of his own, one that said ‘of course I have been and it was absolutely worth it’. “Your Uncle is a little shit, Jin Ling.”
“HEY!” The younger man slammed his hands on the table, standing as if to defend his Uncle’s honor.
“I didn’t say I didn’t like it.” Lan Jingyi hummed sagely.
He ignored the way Jin Ling squawked.
“You piece of shit!” Jiang Wanyin’s voice carried through the room as he panted heavily in the doorway.
“Poor Young Master Jiang,” Lan Jingyi lamented, as if the man in question wasn’t storming towards them. “He ran into the receiving end of Senior Wei’s scolding...”
“Because of you!”
“He will be missed dearly...”
“Don’t ignore me, you ass!”
“Some say his spirit still haunts these very piers...”
“I’ll break your legs,” Jiang Wanyin snapped as he sat down directly next to Lan Jingyi, not noticing the looks he was getting. “If you get me in trouble again, I will not hesitate to lie to get you punished too.”
“Do you guys hear something?”
“I’ll kill you-”
“Oh look at that!” Lan Jingyi exclaimed in mock surprise. “What is a fourth bowl doing here? Is it an offering to an angry, purple spirit? Must we appease it before we may finally live in peace?”
“Jin Ling, I don’t want you to be friends with him anymore,” Jiang Wanyin ordered, taking the fourth bowl and digging in. “He’s a bad influence.”
“Uncle-I mean... Young Master Jiang...” Jin Ling choked out, looking torn between being humiliated and crying. Jiang Wanyin froze before carefully placing his bowl back onto the table.
“Don’t-” He started before taking a deep breath and trying again. “You don’t have to do that. I know... who you are to me. Even if I don’t remember you, that doesn’t change that you’re my nephew... so don’t treat me differently, okay?”
“Uncle...” Jin Ling was definitely now leaning more towards crying. Lan Jingyi wished he had a second handkerchief but it seemed Sizhui had the same thought as him, slyly pulling one from his own sleeve and subtly passing it to their friend.
“Or I’ll break your legs.” Jiang Wanyin finished the threat and picked his bowl back up, purposely ignoring the way Jin Ling was grinning as he fought back tears.
“I’m glad to see you haven’t changed much between the ages of eighteen and forty five.” Jin Ling joked, earning an unamused raise of a single eyebrow from Jiang Wanyin, who’s mouth was too full to retort properly. Swallowing down the food, he turned his attention back to Lan Jingyi.
“Because of that little stunt you pulled, Lan Wangji is going to help us regardless,” He grimaced. “I was hoping to avoid that but Wei Wuxian cornered me and forced me to explain everything. He seemed convinced that I really was trying to whisk away your innocence and virtue at dawn.”
“He- Lan Sizhui! You quiet down those expressions before I wipe them off your face!”
Lan Sizhui, who had been shooting Lan Jingyi a very loaded look, schooled his expression expertly. Jin Ling and Jiang Wanyin shared a look of confusion before ultimately shrugging and going back to their breakfast.
The Lans seem to be able to communicate telepathically, it seems.
Notes:
I'm having so much fun with this fic 🥰🥰 I even have the big plot twist/reveal planned already, which usually never happens! I tend to start a fic with one idea, write myself into a corner, and have to bullshit some sort of backstory to make the plot actually make sense lmao I have no idea how long this fic will be just yet but I do have a few more ideas for things to happen before we find out what actually happened to Sect Leader Jiang! So many two more chapters? Maybe three? Tho now that I put a number down it'll somehow turn into five or six more
I know Jiang Cheng feels a little OOC but I realized we don't actually know what he was like as a kid outside of WWX's perspective, and given the circumstances that perspective was definitely a little biased. Given how WWX acted as a teenager, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that JC was similar when not being judged by his parents. also I just wanted an excuse to write him being a teenager and having fun for once! Sue me!
Chapter Text
“I can’t do this anymore,” Jiang Wanyin snapped, throwing down the journal he had been reading. Jingyi jumped, nearly throwing the one in his own hands across the room. The younger boy stood, his brow furrowed angrily. “Come with me.”
“Where are we going?” Lan Jingyi asked but didn’t argue. He replaced the paper marker and placed the journal down on the bed as he followed Jiang Wanyin from his chambers. They had been working through the entries a little at a time but it seemed even with Jingyi’s assurances that the anger Wanyin wrote with wasn’t as bad as the younger man seemed to think it was, Wanyin was only getting more and more irritated as the hours passed.
“Just keep up.” It was well past lunch, the breakfast they shared after Jiang Wanyin got an ear-full from Wei Wuxian long past digested but neither seemed to care enough to take a break. Lan Jingyi did as he was told, concern brewing in his stomach as Jiang Wanyin stormed through the walkways.
“Young Master Jiang-”
“You have your sword, right?”
“Of course,” He summoned it, the sheath a comforting, familiar weight in his palm, but he didn’t know why that was relevant. Was there a night hunt they needed to attend to that he wasn’t aware of?
“We’re going to spar.” Wanyin said as he led Lan Jingyi to the practice field.
“But-”
“Please.” Jiang Wanyin stopped abruptly, his shoulders tense and drawn up around his shoulders. Lan Jingyi froze, not expecting such a desperate plea. It wasn’t that he had anything against sparring, but back home it was against the rules to spar when emotions were high because it heightened the risk of injury.
“Alright, but I won’t go easy on you.” Jingyi relented. Even if it was against the rules, it was clear the younger cultivator needed this.
“I should be the one saying that,” Wanyin scoffed, tilting his head to either side to crack his neck as he turned to face his competition. “YunmengJiang boast a particularly cunning sword technique.”
“I know,” Lan Jingyi found himself smiling. “I’ve sparred with Jin Ling quite a bit.”
“He doesn’t fight like a Jin?” Wanyin paused, confusion furrowing his brows.
“He was mainly taught swordsmanship here,” Jingyi admitted. “The other disciples at Koi Tower weren’t the nicest to him, and his other Uncle was more focused on diplomacy when it came to Jin Ling’s education. You were the one who taught him everything he knows about fighting.”
“He must be strong then.”
“Eh, he’s alright,” Lan Jingyi grinned wide at the scoff shot his way. “You should ask him to spar. I’m sure he’d jump at the chance to fight you in this state... Now Young Master Jiang, shall we turn this into a friendly wager?”
“I thought gambling was against your rules.” He called, unsheathing Sandu as he began circling the training field. Instantly people noticed, bodies gathering at a safe distance to watch the spar.
“Gambling certainly is,” Lan Jingyi agreed easily. “But a little wager between friends is allowed, as long as it isn’t anything serious.”
“Alright then - what’s your wager?”
“If I win, you have to come into town with us tonight - for the entire evening.” Lan Jingyi said on the fly, not having thought that far in advance. He, Sizhui, and Jin Ling had pre-existing plans to go into town and enjoy the best food and drink that Yunping had to offer. It was a bit of a tradition, where they would all go into whichever town was closest to whichever sect they all met up at. They had started it when Jin Ling finally grew old enough to drink openly and had carried it ever since.
“Fair enough,” Jiang Wanyin nodded. “And if I win, there will be one request in the future that you cannot deny - when the time comes, I’ll let you know what it is.”
“It sounds like you already have a request in mind, Young Master Jiang,” Lan Jingyi feigned to the right, making the younger man jump back. “How devious.”
“I don’t, actually,” He wrinkled his nose as if he was holding himself back from sticking his tongue out. “But I appreciate how cunning you seem to think I am.”
“Cunning is just one word I would use to describe Young Master Jiang,” Lan Jingyi said as he finally darted forward. His sword came to a ringing clash against Sandu’s blade, the sound echoing across the training field from the force of the impact. “I have a few other choice adjectives in mind.”
“Such as?” Wanyin dodged the next blow by spinning away, his boots kicking up some dust. Lan Jingyi jumped into the air, his robes flowing around him as if he were suspended in water before bringing his sword down in another attack. He didn’t give Wanyin much of a chance to switch from defense to offence as he continued his brutal flurry of blows, each of which were expertly blocked. As he moved, his outer robes shifted open slightly, leaving his inner robes - and therefore his torso - somewhat exposed.
“Brave,” Jingyi grinned as Jiang Wanyin faltered for a beat before correcting his posture. “Smart. Enchanting.”
“Now you’re just teasing.” Jiang Wanyin snarled, but the way his ears turned pink told everyone close enough to see that he didn’t dislike the praise, even if each pretty word was accompanied by a blow that sent him skidding back slightly.
“Bullheaded,” Lan Jingyi continued, the adrenaline filling his blood with golden sparks and he couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled up as Jiang Wanyin finally found an opening, switching from defense just in time to land a blow of his own. He felt Sandu’s blade knick his side but he didn’t let it show. When he landed, he adjusted his outer robes to hide the miniscule blood stain. He knew that would call for the end of the spar and he was simply having too much fun to stop over a scratch. “Cranky. Loud.”
“Oh really?” Jiang Wanyin grinned back, sweat starting to bead up on his brow, his bangs sticking to his forehead as he dodged back just to feign to the left. Jingyi could feel his lungs beginning to strain and out of the corner of his eye he could see the crowd that had begun to inch closer and closer to the action,
“Young Master Jiang is-” He cut himself off as he blocked a particularly strong blow, throwing his weight forward to dislodge Sandu’s blade from the hilt of his own sword before taking a step back. “An enigma, for sure.”
“You’re one to talk about enigmas.” Jiang Wanyin scoffed, dropping down and rolling past Jingyi before jumping to his feet again. Lan Jingyi whirled around just in time to block once more before beginning a flurry of offensive attacks of his own.
He wasn’t sure how long they sparred for, but by the time they stopped, each with a blade to their throat, Lan Jingyi was exhausted. It had been a long time since a spar had left him panting for air but he felt like someone had shot pure spiritual energy into his core.
“A tie.” Jiang Wanyin gasped, his face red and damp with sweat.
“I guess it is.”
“Neither of us gets our prize then.” As he stepped back to resheath Sandu, he was surprised at the smug look on the older man’s face.
“It was a tie,” He said, grinning wide. “Which means neither of us lost.”
“But neither of us won, either.”
“Back home, a tie means both parties win,” Jingyi shrugged and sheathed his own sword. “But we can count it as a duel loss if you’d prefer.”
“Fine,” Wanyin finally sighed, as if it were a struggle to agree. “But that means you have to say yes to my request.”
“I’m at your mercy, Young Master Jiang.” Lan Jingyi gave a dramatic bow, wincing slightly when the movement tugged at the knick in his side. Maybe it was less of a scratch than he first thought.
He must not have hidden it too well either, because he instantly noticed the way Jiang Wanyin’s eyes narrowed at him. He felt a cold sweat break out across his body as the younger man seemed to stare right into his soul and he only just barely managed to avoid taking a step back.
“Follow me then.” Jiang Wanyin said, echoing himself from earlier, as he turned on his heel and began walking away. Lan Jingyi gaped at the display. He could feel Lan Sizhui and Jin Ling’s eyes boring into his back but he found himself unable to deny the young Sect Leader the request.
He hurried after Wanyin, hoping he wasn’t in trouble. He didn’t think Wanyin would punish him the way the elders had back in Cloud Recesses, but he couldn’t stop the twinge of anxiety at the thought. He had been punished so much as a child that even the idea that he might be in trouble was enough to leave a sour taste on the back of his tongue.
As he rounded a corner he saw the familiar purple robes of the man he was trying to catch up with. Jiang Wanyin had stopped to speak to a servant, who bowed her head at something he said. Lan Jingyi didn’t run but he did walk briskly to catch up to him. At the sound of his footsteps, Wanyin looked up but the second their eyes met, the younger man scowled.
Lan Jingyi felt his chest constrict at the sight.
He had only been on the receiving end of Sect Leader Jiang’s ire a handful of times, but each encounter left Jingyi feeling about as tall as a kitten. He had admired Sandu-Shengshou for most of his life, but when he befriended Jin Ling he never really expected to run into the sect leader much. Why he thought that, he wasn’t sure because he knew how much Jiang Wanyin doted on his nephew, but it was a shock nonetheless when suddenly the purple clad man began appearing more and more.
Praise from any other mouth felt hollow compared to the compliments hidden behind false anger that fell from Sandu-Shengshou’s lips, just as reprimands from others tasted somehow sweet compared to when they came from Jiang Wanyin, when it made him want to crawl in a hole and die. Even Hanguang-Jun’s disapproving eyes stung less than the genuine glare of anger from Jiang Wanyin.
And the glare Jingyi was now receiving from Jiang Wanyin was layered with anger, as well as something else he couldn’t quite place. It made him want to shrink down in on himself, as if making himself smaller could soften the blow.
Without another word, Wanyin continued walking. He didn’t even bother looking over his shoulder to see if Lan Jingyi was still following.
Of course Lan Jingyi was still following.
“Where... where are we going?” He risked speaking. Jiang Wanyin didn’t respond for a moment, the only sounds around them that of nature and their footsteps. After a beat, the younger man growled.
“The lake.”
“But... why?”
Jiang Wanyin didn’t answer. Lan Jingyi helplessly followed a few paces behind, already trying to think of some desperate way to apologize, though he wasn’t quite sure what he needed to apologize for. All he knew was he needed to apologize or else the withering look on Jiang Wanyin’s face would be the case for his premature demise.
They walked in a tense silence for a few more minutes, Lan Jingyi being led further into Lotus Pier, deep enough that he had never actually ventured so far before. Even being friends with Jin Ling had its limits, and going into the main family’s inner courtyard was so extremely beyond any and every line he could imagine.
“Am... Am I allowed to be here?” He found himself asking. The courtyard was gorgeous. It was surrounded on three sides by rooms, which Jingyi assumed must belong to the chambers of the inner family. He vaguely recalled a door at the back of Jiang Wanyin’s bed chambers, but he hadn’t given it much thought at the time. Now he knew it must lead to the courtyard. There was a pavilion in the center, the land around it cultivated with beautiful plants and trees that gave the plush grass shade. The fourth side of the courtyard, the one not lined with buildings, gave way to a lake that stretched past where Jingyi could see from his vantage point. The trees continued along the edges of the water, their roots twisting up from the soil much like the tree he had found Wanyin hiding under on that first day.
“I’m giving you permission,” Jiang Wanyin scoffed, still not looking at the older man. “Is that not enough for you?”
“I just-” He curled his shoulders up closer to his ears. “I know I can be shameless but entering your family’s inner courtyard feels a bit... sacreligious.”
“Well it’s not like I have any family left to use it,” Jiang Wanyin said, his tone sharp as his sword. Lan Jingyi froze, his eyes widening at the realization - Jiang Wanyin had no family left, so the inner courtyard was his alone. Wanyin must have realized how harsh he had sounded as well, for he suddenly slumped his shoulders before finally turning to look at Jingyi. Well, turning to face Jingyi - he was looking down at the ground. “Sorry... that’s not- I didn’t mean for it to come out like that... fuck, I really am just like my mother, aren’t I?”
“The Violet Spider was a force to be reckoned with,” Lan Jingyi began carefully. “I was too young to know of her personally, but from how people speak of her, she wasn’t someone you took lightly. Even at the end... she fought with tenacity and strength that most of us could only hope to reach. I don’t think being like her is a bad thing at all.”
“I didn’t get any of her good qualities,” Jiang Wanyin denied dryly. “All I got from her is her temper and her inability to show emotion, and it seems that curse only got stronger with time, if my journals are anything to go by.”
“Young Master Jiang knows already how this one thinks about that subject,” Lan Jingyi bowed his head slightly, mainly hoping that the movement would catch Wanyin’s eye and finally get him to look up. Much to his delight, his plan worked and Jiang Wanyin finally dragged his gaze from the ground only for that delight to vanish when he saw how truly vulnerable the younger man’s expression was. “Besides, you’re wrong.”
“Wrong?” He let out a humorless chuckle. “Everyone tells me how much like my mother I am... even my own father! No one dares to voice it, but I feel like everyone knows why he favors Wei Wuxian over me... I’m much like her for him to be able to love properly.”
“Well, now you’re wrong about two things,” Lan Jingyi held up two fingers before pointing to one with his other hand. “First of all, Senior Wei tells us all the time about how amazing you were as a disciple, and how Jiang Fengmian only went easy on him because the old Sect Leader felt guilty about what happened to his parents.”
“Is that really what that idiot thinks?” Jiang Wanyin asked, but it didn’t seem like the question was genuinely being posed to Lan Jingyi.
“And secondly,” He pointed to his other finger, which was still raised. “What about Jin Ling?”
“Huh? What about Jin Ling?”
“You said you don't have any family left to use the courtyard, but you have Jin Ling,” His tone softened when he saw how glassy Jiang Wanyin’s eyes seemed to grow. “And you have Senior Wei.”
“Wei Wuxian was never allowed back here,” he admitted, his head hanging low in shame. “Even if I call him brother, it’s just another layer to prove that no matter what either of us do, he’ll never truly belong here.”
“And who made that rule?”
“My mother-”
“Who isn’t here anymore,” When Wanyin simply looked at Jingyi, as if not understanding what he was implying, Lan Jingyi offered him a warm smile. “Young Master Jiang, as strange as it may sound right now, you are the sect leader. You make the rules for Lotus Pier. If you want Senior Wei to come back to the Inner courtyard, all you have to do is let him know... you’re not as alone as you think you are.”
“It pisses me off that you keep calling me young master,” Jiang Wanyin snapped suddenly, whipping his head to the side as he crossed his arms. “You’re annoying as fuck, you know that right?”
“And yet you’re the one who keeps seeking me out,” Lan Jingyi pointed out. He was familiar enough with Jin Ling to see where the younger man learned to hide his embarrassment behind a guise of disgust from. “And what else should I call you? Sect Leader Jiang doesn’t quite feel right in this situation, does it?”
“Absolutely not,” Jiang Wanyin agreed instantly, his face twisting in distaste. “I didn’t think I’d be called that for at least another twenty years... Just call me Wanyin. We’re friends, aren’t we?”
“Friends?” Lan Jingyi blinked. Sure, he was certainly enjoying the time he spent with Jiang Wanyin, but in the back of his head he was still aware that this was Sect Leader Jiang, even if he was cursed to be eighteen again. He didn’t know if he was allowed to be qualified as a friend.
“If you don’t want to be friends then you can fuck off-”
“No! I want to be friends!” Lan Jingyi rushed forward and tugged on the younger man’s sleeve. “I want to be friends so badly!”
“Wh-what? Why are you getting so excited!?” His voice raised as his ears turned an endearing shade of crimson. “You’re embarrassing us both!”
“That’s that friends do, Jiang Wanyin,” Jingyi reveled in how the blush spread from Wanyin’s ears to his cheek bones and the back of his neck in a matter of seconds. To see the unflappable Sandu-Shengshou flustered - because of Jingyi - was a sight to behold. “So why did you bring me here?”
“Oh, yeah,” Jiang Wanyin blinked, as if he had completely forgotten why they were there in the first place. Without shaking Jingyi from his sleeve, he glanced at the Lan disciple and with a completely serious face, gave a single word command. “Strip.”
“Excuse me?” Lan Jingyi’s voice went up several octaves as he scrambled back, putting a horse’s length of distance between them. “Even if we’re friends now, don’t you think that’s a little too forward?”
“I know you got hurt, asshole,” Jiang Wanyin scowled, but there was something else in his expression. It was the same thing that had been layered under the anger of his glare, but before Jingyi hadn’t been able to place what it was. Now he could tell - it was concern. He had seen concern-hidden-by-anger on Sect Leader Jiang’s face before, when they had gotten hurt on a night hunt, but this was different. Under the anger, and under the concern, there was vulnerability - something Jingyi didn’t think he had ever experienced seeing on the younger man’s face before. “I wanted to take you swimming, but I figured I could heal you first, and if we went swimming in the lake in the inner courtyard, no one would see you in such an indecent state of dress. I don’t know how strict GusuLan is about this sort of thing...”
“Wanyin...” Lan Jingyi breathed, his eyes stinging at the consideration that had gone into the idea. Before he could shed a heartfelt tear, he ended up chuckling.
“Now you’re laughing at me?” Jiang Wanyin scowled again, looking away from the other cultivator.
“No! No, I’m not laughing at you,” He promised. “I just... I go swimming with Sizhui and Jin Ling all the time, but I appreciate how much you wanted to protect my innocence.”
“I just-” Wanyin spluttered, the blush spreading from his cheeks to light up his entire face. Jingyi was fairly certain if he were to touch the younger man’s face, it would feel as though he had a fever.
“Seriously,” He stepped closer, taking Jiang Wanyin’s sleeve once more and giving it a gentle tug. “Thank you... this is very thoughtful of you. Not many have gone to such lengths for me, so it really means a lot.”
“Don’t mention it,” Wanyin sighed, once again not making any move to shake Jingyi away from his sleeve. He glanced at the other man from the corner of his eye before whipping his head around to glare at Jingyi directly. “I mean it - don’t mention this to anyone. I don’t need anyone thinking I’ve gone soft or anything.”
“Of course,” He promised with a grin. “Anything for a friend.”
“I was being serious earlier,” Jiang Wanyin raised an eyebrow. “You’re going to have to take your robes off if I’m going to heal you.”
“Ah, I can heal it,” Jingyi said quickly. “I wouldn’t want to bother you-”
“It’s my fault you got hurt, isn’t it?”
“Well...”
“Gods above, you’re so much like Wei Wuxian it makes my head hurt,” Jiang Wanyin ground out. “Just let me help you, idiot!”
“Oh... okay,” Normally being compared to Senior Wei would make Jingyi flush with pride, but knowing the complicated past his senior had with his brother, the comparison made his chest hurt a little. He didn’t know if he liked it. “I promise it’s really not that bad.”
“Mhm, you’re right,” Wanyin hummed as Jingyi slipped his outer robes off, showing the slight gash in the inner robes. The bleeding had already stopped, and the wound itself was sealing thanks to Jingyi’s golden core. “I still feel bad. Why didn’t you call the match? You would have won since I drew first blood.”
“I was having too much fun!” He chirped honestly. “I didn’t want the spar to end.”
“You-” Wanyin stopped himself and shook his head. He placed a hand over the small cut and sent his own spiritual energy into it. Jingyi could feel the skin stitching itself back together - an uncomfortable but not unbearable sensation, since the wound was small. He bit back a grimace when he recalled the feeling of the meat of his thigh being sewn back together by spiritual energy when he had been struck down to the bone by a ferocious corpse that had gotten a little too close.
“If this happens again, just call the damn match,” Jiang Wanyin snapped, no fire in his tone. “We can always spar again later. You don’t need to hurt yourself for something so stupid.”
“Ah, alright Wanyin,” He conceded, putting his hands up in a placating manner. “I promise...”
Jiang Wanyin eyed him suspiciously, as if trying to determine if Jingyi was fibbing or not. When he decided the older man must have been telling the truth, he nodded and began disrobing. He folded his robes and placed them on the bench under the pavilion along with his boots, leaving him in just his pants. Jingyi followed suit, trying his best not to stare. He adjusted his forehead ribbon, making sure it was securely knotted in the back. He wasn’t afraid of it slipping off as he swam, but it was a habit.
He had seen Sandu-Shengshou shirtless - just once. It had been after the first night hunt that had gone horrifically wrong. Sizhui had been unconscious and Jin Ling was just barely able to sit upright. Jingyi was heavily bandaged but somehow the least injured out of the three, only thanks to Sect Leader Jiang stepping in at just the right moment to save them. Unfortunately, that meant Sect Leader Jiang took the blow aimed for Jingyi, resulting in quite a nasty gash across his chest.
Lan Jingyi thought, for a split second when he realized Sect Leader Jiang was disroading, that he would be too embarrassed to even stay in the same room, but when he revealed just how scarred his body was, Lan Jingyi was frozen in his spot. Sect Leader Jiang’s chest was tanned from training in the sun, but the white, puckered scars broke up the caramel skin haphazardly. Most were clearly from night hunts, or from the war - those scars were thick and uneven, placed randomly across his body - but there was one that caught his eye the most. Just barely visible under the current, still bleeding wound, was a single line. It was nearly invisible against his tanned skin, but it was just a little too neat, and it seemed to have healed just a little too well.
“What are you staring at?” Jiang Wanyin snapped, making Jingyi realize the younger man was already halfway to the shore of the lake.
“I just...” He trailed off, the heavy feeling in his chest seeming to infect his tongue as well.
“Well?”
“Sect Leader Jiang had so many scars,” Lan Jingyi whispered after a beat. His throat felt tight, making it hard to speak. “But Wanyin... doesn’t.”
“Oh...” Jiang Wanyin looked down at his own chest. He traced one of the scars that did break up the skin there, his brows furrowing.
“Your hands are the same,” Jingyi didn’t know where the words were coming from, but he couldn’t seem to bite them back in time. He walked forward and took Jiang Wanyin’s hand, turning it over in his own. His other hand came up to trail along the few scars that still existed. “I remember... There was a night hunt that went wrong. We were all injured so badly and Sect Leader Jiang - he took a blow meant for me. He got hurt pretty bad too. I couldn’t stop crying because I felt so guilty that he got injured because of me but he-he placed his hand on my head and told me it was okay... that it was just a scratch! As he took his hand away, I saw all the scars on it... to me, they were the hands of a man who had seen more in just a few, short years than I would see in my entire life. It was a very humbling experience.”
“You always talk about older me with such reverence,” Jiang Wanyin said quietly. He didn’t take his hand back from Jingyi. “It scares me a little.”
“Scares you? Why?” Jingyi dropped his hand in surprise. Jiang Wanyin took it back and rubbed the back of his head with it awkwardly. He wouldn’t meet Jingyi’s eye.
“Because! Even if it’s me you’re talking about... it’s not a me that I know. You make me sound like some sort of god, and it makes me wonder if I could ever make it back to that place in your mind, if we can’t find a way to reverse this curse.”
“You don’t have to be the same version of you,” Jingyi denied instantly. Jiang Wanyin glanced at him, looking as though he were torn between telling Jingyi to shut up and begging him for comfort. “Sandu-Shengshou was powerful, but he was also a deeply broken man. Jin Ling always did his best to lessen the burden on his Uncle, but it was clear that no matter how hard he tried - how hard we all tried - Sect Leader Jiang always held everyone at arm's length. I don’t really blame him, honestly. Given what he went through with the war and... after... I’d probably be just as bad - if not worse! - if I went through the same thing. If we don’t figure out a way to reverse whatever this is... isn’t this a second chance? An opportunity to find out who you would have been had you not been thrown into an adult’s war while still just a child yourself?”
“I... never thought of it that way,” Jiang Wanyin swallowed thickly, his voice wavering faintly. The sound made Lan Jingyi’s eyes burn dangerously.
“Well, now's not the time for thinking anyway!” Lan Jingyi grinned, grabbing Wanyin’s hand and dragging him towards the lake. The younger man allowed himself to be pulled, his brows still furrowed in thought.
The water was chilly but it felt fantastic. He was still a little sweaty from their spar, so the sudden rush of cold as he dove under the calm surface invigorated him. As he broke from the water and swiped his bangs back from his eyes, he was shocked to see that he was suddenly all alone.
“Wanyin?” He called out, treading water. The lake wasn’t too deep. He knew if he placed his feet on the soft silt at the bottom, the top of his head would still stick out, as most of the lakes in Yunmeng were. Looking around, he didn’t see any sign of his friend. Other than the rings his movements were making, the lake seemed undisturbed. Worry began to build in his chest the longer Wanyin was missing.
Before he had the chance to properly panic, something grabbed his ankle and pulled him under water. He let out an undignified scream before he was completely underwater again. Holding his breath, he opened his eyes a fraction. It wasn’t impossible to see under the lake’s murkiness, but it was blurry. His lungs began to burn so he paddled to the surface and gasped for air.
“You should have heard yourself!” Jiang Wanyin cackled as he slapped the water. “Not even Wei Wuxian screams like that when I pull him under!”
“I thought you ran off!” Jingyi spluttered, scrubbing water from his eyes. “There weren’t even any bubbles!”
“I can hold my breath longer than anyone at Lotus Pier,” Wanyin bragged, puffing his chest up. “Not even Wei Wuxain can hold his breath as long as I can.”
“You could have killed me!”
“You would have been fine,” He scoffed, waving off Lan Jingyi's indignant gasp. “How good would you say you are at swimming?”
“Decent, I suppose,” He pouted, crossing his arms and sinking down into the water just enough for his chin to be submerged. His hair splayed out around him, creating the illusion of an ink spill across his shoulders. “Jin Ling is better.”
“Would you be willing to race me to the far end of the lake?” Wanyin asked before his smirk sharpened. “Or rather, would you be willing to have your ass handed to you in a race to the far end of the lake?”
“You’re awfully cocky,” Jingyi couldn’t help but return the grin. “One shall not be too prideful. One shall not boast of one’s skill. One shall not lord one’s abilities over those less skilled.”
“Huh...” Jiang Wanyin paused, looking around curiously. Jingyi did the same, not sure what he was looking for. Wanyin gasped and slammed a fist against his open palm, as if he had made a sudden, ground breaking discovery. “I just realized! We’re not actually in Cloud Recesses right now! Funny how that works.”
“You’re such an ass!” Jingyi laughed loudly, splashing Wanyin.
“And you’re a sore loser!” He splashed Jingyi back, somehow able to angle the water to hit him fully in the face.
“Am not!”
“Am too!”
“I am not a sore loser!”
“Then get ready to race.” Jiang Wanyin narrowed his eyes. Lan Jingyi had a split second to prepare himself before the younger man was swimming away from him.
Maybe he had been a little modest when he said he was only decent. He actually loved swimming, but he preferred splashing around and rough housing with his friends. Occasionally he would join Jin Ling with his endurance training by swimming laps around the largest lake, but he rarely fell for the younger man’s teasing. As he pushed himself to swim faster, he faintly recalled one of the Jiang disciples whining that it wasn’t fair that Jingyi would swim so fast, and how he joked that it was due to his arm strength, but he never really thought it aided him as much as he was teased for.
“How-how did you catch up so fast?” Wanyin spluttered when he resurfaced on the other side of the lake. Lan Jingyi was only a few beats behind him, his lungs constricting painfully from the sudden, intense workout.
“I’m not that-that good,” He panted, wincing at the stitch in his side. “Maybe I just-just pushed myself harder this time... couldn’t let-let my good friend Wanyin beat me-me too badly, now could I?”
“You’re-” He cut himself off with a loud laugh, throwing his head back and letting his eyes fall shut. Lan Jingyi allowed him a selfish moment to admire how the water droplets caressed Wanyin’s temple and cheeks, but when the younger man looked at him, Lan Jingyi wasn’t staring. “You’re incredible, you know that?”
“Me? That’s high praise coming from you.” He shot back, and he found he quite liked the way the flush of exertion on Jiang Wanyin’s face bloomed into a blush.
“I wonder if...” he trailed off, turning away from Jingyi. He swam over to a section of the lake that was covered in large lotus leaves. There weren’t any blossoms, but there were dozens of pods bobbing in the now-disturbed water. “Ah-ha!”
“What is it?” Jingyi couldn’t help but ask as Wanyin came swimming back over.
“It’s a little late in the season for lotus pods, but I had a feeling there would be some late bloomers,” He grinned, holding up his prize. “Let's go back to the shore. I can show you how to peel them. You don’t have lotus seeds in Gusu, right? I remember these being the thing I missed the most when I was studying.”
Without waiting for a response, Wanyin gripped the stem of the pod in his teeth and began swimming back the way they came, this time at a much more leisurely pace. Lan Jingyi chuckled to himself a little before following.
He wondered if this was what Wanyin was like growing up. Clearly he must have been like this, since he was still Jiang Wanyin, but that wasn’t quite what Jingyi was wondering. The more he mused the idea, he realized what he was really wondering was how many people were lucky enough to see this side of Jiang Wanyin. He knew he had been close with Senior Wei and Sect Leader Nie while they all studied in Cloud Recesses, but there had also been the strange competition that his mother placed over his and Senior Wei’s heads.
How often did Wanyin get to be this carefree? His world came crashing down around his ears at such a young age... Lan Jingyi still couldn’t quite wrap his head around it. At eighteen, everything went so wrong for Wanyin. How many moments of happiness did he really get before he had to grow up too fast? How many opportunities did he have to be a kid before the ability was ripped away from him?
“Why’re you making that face?” Wanyin called to him from the shore. The lotus pod was on the ground beside him as he wrung the water out from his hair. His pants clung to his legs, the soil under him quickly darkening as he dripped onto it.
“No reason,” Jingyi shook the thoughts from his head and hurried to join his friend on the lakeside. “So, lotus pods?”
“Right!” Jiang Wanyin grinned, and he seemed to glow in the setting sun.
Lan Jingyi wasn’t a huge fan of lotus seeds. He ate them when Jin Ling offered them to him, but he always made sure his youngest friend had the most in his bowl. He even knew how to peel them, courtesy of Jin Ling once again, but he simply hummed and smiled as Wanyin showed him how to meticulously prepare the seeds for consumption.
“Ah, it’s getting dark,” Wanyin was the first to notice. “What time are we going to Yunping?”
“We normally leave when the sun sets fully,” Jingyi blinked, also caught by surprise by how late it had gotten. Sizhui and Jin Ling were probably getting ready to depart as they spoke. “I should probably get back too. I need to change before we go.”
They stood and brushed the dirt that had stuck to their damp pants. Going up to the pavilion where their robes waited for them, Jingyi was struck by a thought.
“Was this the request you had for me?” He asked. “You demanded I follow you pretty sternly. Even if we hadn’t wagered, I’d have followed.”
“No, that wasn’t the request,” There was something sinister in Wanyin’s voice that made a shiver go down Lan Jingyi’s spine. He was holding something in his arms that Jingyi couldn’t quite see in the shadows of the pavilion. “This is.”
“Huh?” Lan Jingyi raised an eyebrow as something was shoved into his arms. Lifting it to see better, he realized they were robes, but they weren’t his. They weren’t Wanyin’s either, for he was already redressing.
“My request for winning the spar is for you to wear YunmengJiang colors when we go into town tonight,” He grinned as if he had won a war. Lan Jingyi spluttered, his face heating up so quickly he felt a little faint. “I asked one of the servants to bring these here.”
“But-but I- but you- but I-” He stuttered, his thoughts a muddle in his too-warm mind.
“What? Don’t tell me there's a rule against it?” Jiang Wanyin actually sounded a little disappointed.
“N-no,” Lan Jingyi said through a chittering laugh. “But...”
“But?”
“I’ve... I’ve only ever worn GusuLan robes,” He admitted. He thumbed the fabric in his hands and while the robes weren’t as expensive as his own outer robes, they were soft and clearly well loved. He realized with a jolt that these were likely Wanyin’s own robes. “I don’t even know if I’d look good in anything other than white.”
“Let’s find out,” Jiang Wanyin’s tone was oddly... soft. “If you really don’t want to, I won’t force you-”
“Excuse you!” Lan Jingyi exclaimed as Wanyin tried to take the robes back. He held the bundle closer to his chest. “I am a man of my word! Hanguang-Jun would have my head if he found out I went back on a gentleman’s wager.”
“In that case I’ll see you at the front gates as soon as the sun is fully set,” Wanyin seemed to brighten when Jingyi didn’t deny him his request. “Actually, come a little earlier.”
“Why?”
“I need to do your hair too,” Wanyin grinned at him. “You can’t wear YunmengJiang colors without our hairstyle too! It would just look ridiculous.”
“I suppose this one can give you that much,” He didn’t know why he was suddenly feeling so shy. “I-I should go change.”
He slipped his outer robes on, not bothering with his inner robes or even to close the front as he raced out of the inner courtyard. As he raced back to his own chambers, he faintly wondered if he looked like a wicked ghost being chased through Lotus Pier. While he realized it would have been more convenient to simply change in Wanyin’s chambers, he was grateful for a moment to himself. He could hear Sizhui and Jin Ling in the room over, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to join them just yet.
It only took him a few minutes to change and brush the knots from his still damp hair, but by the time he was sneaking out of his room the other two had already gone to the front gate to wait for him. He slipped back out again, making a beeline for Wanyin’s chambers. He was grateful that he didn’t cross anyone’s path along the way - not because he was ashamed of being in YunmnengJiang purple, but because he didn’t want anyone to see him before his hair was done.
If he was going to fulfill Wanyin’s request, he was going to do it fully.
“That was quick,” Wanyin smirked as the door slid open before Jingyi had a chance to knock. He was pulled in and quickly shoved down onto a pillow, a shocked sound escaping his lips as he felt fingers in his hair. “Wow... your hair is so soft. Must be all that medicinal food you Lans eat.”
“It’s against the rules to be too vain but...” He trailed off, feeling almost awkward to admit this, even if it was just to Waynin. “But I like using oils in my hair to keep it extra soft... Sometimes when Sizhui gets stressed he likes to braid and unbraid it until he calms down so I like to keep it soft for him.”
“You’re a good friend,” Wanyin’s tone was calm as he began doing small braids up the side of Jingyi’s head. “Wei Wuxian tries to get me to let him do my hair for me, but it always feels... weird, I guess. He always acts like the comments don’t bother him, but I see the way his eyes harden when someone makes a comment about him being the son of a servant. Even if he asks to help me with my hair or getting dressed I always tell him no because I never want him to feel like he’s a servant here.”
“You’re a good friend too,” Lan Jingyi hummed as Wanyin moved on to gathering his hair, carefully avoiding touching Jingyi’s ribbon. It was difficult to maneuver around, but Jingyi felt that strange pressure in his chest double at the gentle care Wanyin was showing. “I’m sure if you asked now, Senior Wei would be thrilled to help you with your hair.”
“....Maybe.” He said after a moment of silence. It wasn’t a yes, but it also wasn’t a no.
Maybe there was a chance to fix their relationship after all.
“Done?” Lan Jingyi asked as he felt Wanyin move away from him.
“Mhm, come here.”
Jingyi did as he was told and went over to the mirror Jiang Wanyin was holding out to him. Looking at his reflection he couldn’t help but gasp. He knew he was seeing his own reflection, but the person looking back might as well have been a stranger!
This stranger’s hair was back in a high pony-tail, similar to the kind he normally wore, but with the braids up the sides it somehow looked completely different. His ribbon sat proudly on his brow, the fabric spelled to dry instantly. Wanyin had even slipped a hair comb at the base of the tie, the silver glinting in the candlelight. He couldn’t quite make out what the comb depicted, but he could tell it was beautiful.
“Purple looks good on you,” Wanyin remarked, folding his arms and smiling at his handiwork. “If you ever get tired of an endless sea of white, you’re always welcome as a disciple here. I’m sure you’d get into loads of trouble.”
“I could never leave GusuLan, but I appreciate the offer,” He chuckled. “Maybe if Grandmaster Qiren finally has enough of my antics and kicks me out.”
“Well, our doors are always open to you.” The offer was far too genuine and both men could tell. Neither spoke for a second before Jingyi placed the mirror down and cleared his throat.
“I’m sure Sizhui and Jin Ling are about to leave without us,” He said, moving towards the door. “We should hurry.”
“Can’t have that, can we?” Jiang Wanyin chuckled as he followed suit. They walked together in a comfortable silence, which Jingyi was grateful for because far too much of his attention was focused on trying to figure out how to walk in robes that didn’t flow the way his own did.
“Uncle? What are you- Jingyi!?” Jin Ling’s shrill cry broke Jingyi from his thoughts.
“And here I thought you would have left without us!” Lan Jingyi grinned and jogged over to where Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui were standing.
“We’d never do that,” Lan Sizhui assured, his eyes darting between Jingyi and Jiang Wanyin with the smallest hint of mania in his expression. He made eye contact with Jingyi and raised his eyebrows, his lips pulling up in a smile. To anyone else it was simply a greeting, but Jingyi knew exactly what that expression actually meant.
What the actual fuck did you do?? The smile read.
“We-we should get going before all the taverns fill up!” Jingyi laughed nervously. By the looks he was receiving from both of his dearest friends, he knew he was going to be grilled something fierce as soon as they returned to Lotus Pier. He turned to Wanyin and put his arms out in front of him as he bowed low. “Oh Young Master Jiang! These lowly disciples turn to you for guidance! Please lead us to the best wine in Yunping~”
“Back to the young master?” Jiang Wanyin growled, using the fact that Jingyi still had his upper body bowed to grab him in a headlock. “What happened to being friends, huh? All that gets thrown away the second alcohol is involved?”
“Don’t fret, Young Master Jiang,” Lan Sizhui said with an angelic smile. Only Jingyi and Jin Ling knew the true wickedness that hid behind such a smile. “Our A-Yi becomes quite clingy when he drinks... you’ll be lucky if you can relieve yourself without him glued to your side after he gets a jar or two of wine in him.”
“HEY!” Lan Jingyi shouted, easily pulling away from the headlock to smack Sizhui on the back a few times. “We’re supposed to be sworn brothers! This is how you treat me? Am I that disposable to you?”
“Oh this is going to be a mistake, isn’t it?” Jiang Wanyin huffed, covering his eyes with his hand. If it weren’t for the smirk playing on his lips, they might have genuinely believed he wasn’t pleased with how his evening was shaping up.
“The best kind of mistake, Wanyin,” Lan Jingyi instantly perked up, slinging an arm over the younger man’s shoulders. “Now... let’s get fucked up!”
As the four young men sauntered their way out of Lotus Pier, they were completely oblivious to the eyes trained on them. Trembling breathing was a touch too loud as the person struggled to separate what they were seeing from their own memories.
“Wei Ying?” Lan Wangji came over and placed a comforting hand on his husband’s arm.
“Ah, Lan Zhan,” He took a trembling breath, unable to tear his eyes from where the four had disappeared from sight. “I’m-I’m okay...”
“What’s on your mind?” Wangji asked, taking Wei Wuxian’s hand and pressing a warm kiss to the back of it.
“Are we making a mistake?”
“Hm?”
“In trying to reverse this curse,” He clarified. His eyes stung so painfully but he didn’t deserve to cry. After all, it was all his fault that Jiang Cheng lost out on being so carefree. The way Lan Jingyi had slung his arm over Jiang Cheng’s shoulders was so similar to how Wei Wuxian would do the same, back then they were both eighteen. “He looks so happy now... if we get him back to his real age... he’ll remember everything again. We’ll be- I’ll be destroying his childhood. Again.”
“Wei Ying, none of that was your fault,” Lan Wangji reminded his husband gently. Even after all these years, Wei Wuxian refused to fully let go of the guilt and it broke Wangji’s heart, but he knew it would be a while longer still before Wei Wuxian could be at peace with himself and his past. “Wanyin understood. He forgave you... and when he returns to normal, he will not blame you.”
“He should.”
“He won’t.”
“Lan Zhan... I’m cold.”
“Let us go to bed then.” Lan Wangji wrapped a warm arm around his husband’s waist.
“Maybe...”
“Hmm?”
“Maybe if we can’t fix this, it wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”
“Let’s talk more in the morning. I can see the bags under your eyes.”
“Ah Lan Zhan! You always take such good care of this one,” Wei Wuxian twisted so they were embracing, their noses almost close enough to touch. “I love you.”
“I love you.” Wangji hummed, pressing their noses together for just a beat before pulling away and guiding his husband back to their room. He made the decision to play something for Wei Wuxian to help him sleep.
He had a sinking feeling his husband wouldn’t sleep very well otherwise.
Notes:
NGL this chapter lowkey giggling and kicking my feet there's something so cathartic about giving JC a chance to... be carefree again. Usually the catharsis I write comes from angst and the comfort that follows but this kinda feels like cotton candy while the other kind is like ice on a sunburn, if that makes any sense?
There's now a hesitant chapter count but that's absolutely going to change sooner rather than later lmao
coming soon: The four idiots get drunk! I'm honestly so excited to see what trouble they get into!
Side note, this was planned to be a romantic fic but idk how it'll end up writing itself so tags will be changing as chapters are posted!
Chapter Text
“Wait!” Lan Jingyi stopped mid step, eyes growing wide in horror.
“What?” Jin Ling snapped, raising an unamused eyebrow at his friend’s dramatics.
“No one’s supposed to know Wanyin was cursed,” Jingyi felt like such an idiot! He was just so excited to bring his friend out for the night. How could he forget such an important detail? “What do we do? Should we turn back?”
“Don’t worry,” Lan Sizhui chuckled with a soft smile. “We’ve already come up with a cover story.”
“Wait, what?”
“Young Master Yu is a distant cousin of the last Violet Spider,” He continued smoothly, folding his arms behind his back. “He came to study under Sect Leader Jiang but because he’s simply too studious he never had an opportunity to venture out to Yunping so we kindly invited him out.”
“That’s...”
“Actually really smart,” Jiang Wanyin finished Jingyi’s breathless sentence. “As long as no one slips up with the names.”
“We could- actually, nevermind.” Jin Ling changed his mind before continuing down the path.
“What were you going to say?” Lan Jingyi chased after him.
“Nothing! It’s stupid...”
“Come on,” Jingyi pouted a little. “You sometimes have good ideas!”
“Only sometimes?” Jin Ling snapped, smacking the older man’s arm.
“Okay! Okay! All the time! Young Master Jin Ling has the best ideas,” Lan Jingyi continued dramatically. “He’s the smartest of our little trio - even smarter than Sizhui!”
“Now let’s not go too far.” Lan Sizhui hummed, clearly enjoying the teasing.
“Just tell us...” Jingyi tugged on Jin Ling’s sleeve, dragging the sentence out with a whine until the younger man groaned and stomped his foot.
“Fine!” He shouted. “Gods above you’re the most irritating thing on this planet! I was going to say if Uncle went by his birth name there would be less of a chance we’d slip up when we’re drunk.”
“Yu Cheng? It has a nice ring to it,” Lan Sizhui nodded approvingly. “Good idea, Jin Ling.”
“That works,” Wanyin offered a long suffering sigh. “Though I have a feeling I’m going to regret giving you permission.”
“This one solemnly swears not to use your birth name in vain.” Lan Jingyi said, tone serious and face stony.
“While sober.” Sizhui finished the promise for his friend and Jingyi couldn’t keep his serious facade any longer. He cracked a bright grin and slung his arm over his oldest friend’s shoulders.
“You know me too well, A-Yuan,” He cooed, poking Sizhui’s cheek with his pointer finger. To Sizhui’s credit, he didn’t seem phased by the sudden intrusion into his personal space. If anything, the teasing smile softened as he leaned into his friend’s touch. “Now that we got that settled... shall we, esteemed young masters?”
With varying reactions, the four continued their stroll into town.
“It was a long endeavor but we eventually got him past that Lan alcohol tolerance,” Jin Ling grinned, bumping Jingyi with his shoulder. He and Sizhui had been trading off telling the story of the first time Jingyi actually drank, much to Jingyi’s embarrassment. “It’s not up to par with me or Sizhui but it’s decent.”
“Last time he said he was only ‘decent’ at something he nearly beat me - twice.” Wanyin deadpanned, a sparkle of amusement twinkling in his eye.
“Twice?” Jin Ling gasped. “What did he do? What did you do?”
He turned and shoved Lan Jingyi, who had fallen silent. In the light from the moon his three companions could easily see the redness of his ears. When he didn’t respond, Jin Ling shoved him a second time.
“Huh? I didn’t do anything!” He tried to defend himself only to earn an unamused, slow blink from Jin Ling.
“Our spar ended in a tie,” Wanyin supplied, trying to fight back a grin. “And after we had a friendly swimming race that I only just barely won.”
“You swam with Uncle?” Jin Ling gasped. “Without us?”
“That’s what you’re hung up on?” Jingyi gasped.
“In Jin Ling’s defense, it was Jingyi who made us promise not to leave him out of things,” Sizhui chuckled. “He pitched a huge fit back when we were kids.”
“I was a child!” Lan Jingyi lamented, leaning against Wanyin’s side. Without hesitating, the younger man supported Jingyi’s dramatics. “Can you believe this? Being slandered by my sworn brothers!”
“You mentioned that before,” Wanyin hummed. “Are you genuinely sworn brothers?”
“Not yet,” Jingyi grinned, his eyes turning up. “One day though! We’re waiting for Jin Ling to get more settled as sect leader before we do anything that might disrupt the cultivation world.”
“I don’t see why three young cultivators becoming sworn brothers would send the whole world into disarray,” Wanyin commented. “Many cultivators from different sects have become sworn brothers.”
“We’re an... unlikely trio,” Lan Sizhui started, glancing at Wanyin from the corner of his eye. “Senior Wei was actually the one who warned us to be careful.”
“Could you imagine it? A trio formed of the youngest sect leader in the last century, the least qualified sect heir in existence and-”
“A war criminal.” Lan Sizhui finished calmly.
“What?” Jiang Wanyin froze, face impassive.
“Sizhui... no one thinks you’re a war criminal,” Lan Jingyi murmured, sounding uncharacteristically somber. “Plus you know how Senior Wei and Hanguang-Jun feel when you joke like that.”
“What... what do you mean?” Wanyin’s voice was low.
“Well, you pointed it out yourself,” Lan Jingyi fiddled with the end of his ponytail. “There’s no way for Senior Wei to have a child as old as Sizhui, right? He was adopted when he was young.”
“My birth name is Wen Yuan.” Sizhui said casually, as if reporting on the weather.
“Wen...?” Jiang Wanyin’s face was notably blank. Jingyi stepped so he was standing between Wanyin and Sizhui
“Wanyin-”
“No wonder you were so upset when I insulted the Wens,” He said after a moment. He stopped walking, causing everyone else to pause as well. Another moment passed before he suddenly smacked himself in the face. “I’m such an idiot!”
“Yes you are!” Jingyi steamed. “Why would you hit yourself? Who are you? Senior Wei?”
“Wei Wuxian would do that kind of shit.” Wanyin deadpanned, not flinching as Jingyi prodded at his cheek, as if to make sure nothing was damaged.
“Yeah, and it was my first impression of him too.” Jin Ling huffed. He was watching Sizhui closely, trying to track any minute changes in the older man’s expression. While he couldn’t read Sizhui as well as Jingyi could, he liked to think he had gotten pretty good at noticing when his friends were distressed. Thankfully Sizhui just seemed amused at how their newest addition had smacked himself hard enough to redden his own cheek.
“You’ll have to tell me about it later,” Jiang Wanyin gave his nephew a tired smile. In just a few minutes, it seemed like he had aged several years. While physically he remained eighteen, his eyes were dimmer. “Come on, I need a drink.”
He stormed forward, putting some distance between himself and the others before they scrambled to catch up. Lan Jingyi raced up next to Wanyin, shooting his friend a concerned look. He reached out and grabbed Wanyin’s sleeve, giving it a gentle tug. The younger man glanced at him and the second they locked eyes, Wanyin’s pinched expression softened.
“Sorry,” He muttered for Jingyi’s ears alone. “I... for just now, and for insulting the Wens. I didn’t even have any reason to be mad at them other than what you told me and I just snapped...”
“You didn’t know,” Jingyi reassured him. They walked just a smidge closer together, the younger man’s body heat soaking through Jingyi’s thinner robes and scaring away the chill of the evening. “And besides, A-Yuan only jokes like that to make others uncomfortable. I don’t think it actually bothers him anymore. Not since Jin Guangyao’s sins were revealed to the world.”
“I feel like I’m missing a huge part of the puzzle there,” Wanyin sighed. “You’ll have to fill me in on that too.”
“Of course,” Jingyi swore. “I’ll do whatever I can to help.”
“Are you this nice to everyone?” Wanyin huffed. “And here I thought I was special.”
“You are special,” Jingyi grinned, ignoring how the truth of that statement made his throat sting. “I’m not this nice to just anyone, I’ll have you know. I’ll help those in need, but that’s my responsibility as a cultivator. If I consider you a friend, I’ll always go above and beyond for you.”
“I’m the same,” Wanyin chuckled. “Though I’m not really nice to you unless you’re already a friend.”
“Sounds like a backwards way of making friends.”
“Why do you think Wei Wuxian is my only friend?” He raised an eyebrow at Jingyi, who shot back an unimpressed look of his own.
“What about Sect Leader Nie?” He countered. “I heard you three were inseparable during your time at Cloud Recesses.”
“Sect Leader Nie?” There was a flash of vulnerability through his eyes before he shut his expressions down. “I don’t know why I’m surprised... His brother never expected to live to an old age... it still stings to know he’s gone too.”
“I’ll fill you in on that too,” Lan Jingyi winced a little. “That’s actually tied into the whole Jin Guangyao situation... a lot of shit is, if I’m being honest. It’s like a fucked up web of lies and secrets.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to hearing a Lan curse the way you do,” Jiang Wanyin said suddenly. “I’m putting money on Jin Ling being the bad influence.”
“I don’t know what you’re saying about me but it’s lies and slander,” Jin Ling snapped from several paces behind them. “He doesn’t even remember me and he’s still bullying me. Next thing I know he’s going to threaten my bodily safety.”
“You brat-” Wanyin turned as if to lunge at Jin Ling, only to be held in place by the hand on his sleeve.
“He learned that from you,” He shook his head with a smirk. “You can’t get mad at him for being a smartass if he was trained to be so by you.”
“And for the record, Young Master Yu?” Lan Sizhui appeared by Wanyin’s other side, making the younger man jump at the sudden, silent presence. “You’d get your money.”
“I knew it.” He glowered, torn between wanting to scold his nephew and being proud.
Soon the sounds of the town filled the air. Despite the late hour, the people of Yunping were still as lively as ever. It wasn’t Lan Jingyi’s first venture outside of Lotus Pier, but there was something about this particular night that seemed so much more exciting. Lanterns were strung between posts, creating a zig-zag of colors that illuminated the streets below them. Most of the vendors had closed down shop for the night but there were still enough open to keep conversation buzzing through the evening air.
“It’s... the same.” Wayne murmured softly. He was looking around, brow furrowed as if he were trying to decipher a particularly difficult riddle. Lan Jingyi tugged him over to one of his own favorite vendors.
“From what we were told, Yunping was mostly spared from the attack on Lotus Pier,” he hummed, not wanting to get separated from Wanyin in the crowd. He wasn’t as concerned for Jin Ling or Sizhui, who were both familiar enough with the area to know how to make their way to their favorite tavern. “Here, I bet you have these all the time but they’re some of my favorite snacks to get when I come visit.”
He bought the roasted nuts, the sweet warmth radiating from the paper packaging making his mouth water. He bought two, handing them both to Wanyin so his hands were free to pay. The vendor smiled before blinking and gasping.
“Young Master Lan?” She leaned forward to get a closer look. “Look at you! I almost didn’t recognize you without your white robes on! If it weren’t for that ribbon of yours I might not have recognized you at all.”
“Granny! Of course I have to stop and say hello whenever I’m visiting.” He grinned wide.
“Wah, you look like a proper YunmengJiang disciple,’ Her smile softened. “Ah... it brings back memories.”
“What do you mean?” He tilted his head to the side.
“Seeing you and your friend here... it just reminds me of another set of hooligans that used to terrorize this poor woman’s shop,” She shook her head, her smile filled with an endearing warmth. “As for your friend...”
She trailed off, looking at Wanyin properly. He felt a shiver run down his spine when he realized he actually did recognize her - he had a feeling the two hooligans she had been referring to were an unnamed twin prides of Yunmeng. Her smile was warm but both young men froze when they saw something shimmer in her eye.
“Welcome home, Young Master Jiang.” She said just as warmly, as if nothing were amiss. Jiang Wanyin flinched, desperately looking to Jingyi for aid.
“A-ah! Granny, this is Young Master Yu,” He said, trying to keep the laugh in his voice from sounding too scared. “He’s a cousin of the late Violet Spider who came to study-”
“I’m old, not daft,” She waved him off. “I know my little Wanyin when I see him, though it’s been quite some time since he appeared before me like this.”
“Granny-”
“As long as you boys are keeping safe,” She hummed, bagging up more nuts to sell to the next customer. “When the Young Master became Sect Leader he somehow became more reckless. Silly boy never knew when to delegate. Ah- don’t think you need to waste your evening listening to this old woman yap. Go catch up with your friends, young masters.”
“Good night, Granny,” Lan Jingyi bowed. “I hope you have a busy night.”
They scurried away, Wanyin looking pale in the lantern light. They made a beeline for the tavern, where a familiar flash of white and gold was seen through one of the open windows. The night air was crisp but not too cold, and Lan Jingyi couldn’t help but think to himself how he actually liked being able to feel it. His own robes were spelled to ward off the cold, so even on a night like this he would have been toasty warm.
He liked the chill - it reminded him that he was alive.
“There you two are,” Jin Ling called over from the table they had reserved. “Of course you’d get lost within seconds of stepping foot in town.”
“And here I thought to get my dearest, closest friend a gift but I suppose you don’t want it.” Lan Jingyi huffed, sitting across from them. Jiang Wanyin took the spot directly beside him, still quite from their encounter.
“A gift?” Jin Ling leaned in, his expression expectant.
“I don’t think you deserve it anymore.” Jingyi teased.
“I’m sorry, okay?”
“Apology accepted, Little Mistress,” Jingyi grinned as he placed the two bags of roasted nuts onto the table. “I figured we could share these since we’re going to be snacking all night long.”
“Good idea,” Lan SIzhui said as he reached for a nut. “Wouldn’t do for us to fill up at our first stop.”
“We ordered drinks already,” Jin Ling said as he followed Sizhui’s suit. “I figured we could do most of our drinking here since the owners like us for whatever reason. We can go to that teahouse down the street once we’re comfortably drunk.”
“You guys really have this down,” Wanyin remarked. “Almost as if you’ve done this before.”
“We’ve done nothing of the sort.” Sizhui smiled warmly.
“We’re the epitome of innocence and purity,” Lan Jingyi continued with a grin as he nudged Wanyin with his shoulder. “Alcohol has yet to touch our virgin lips.”
“Who are you calling a virgin?” Jin Ling narrowed his eyes.
“Aren’t you too young for that sort of thing?” Wanyin gasped, narrowing his eyes in an eerily similar way at his nephew.
“Did something happen, Young Master Yu?” Lan Sizhui asked, noticing how subdued their newest companion seemed to be all of a sudden. Wanyin shrunk down in his seat and glanced at Jingyi, as if asking for backup.
“It seems our little backstory was all for naught.” Jingyi grimaced slightly.
“The granny selling the roasted nuts recognized me instantly,” Wanyin propped his chin up in his hand, his elbow resting on the table top. “Though she didn’t seem too surprised to see me like this.”
“Maybe we underestimated the people of Yunping,” Sizhui nodded. “I suppose it would be a good idea to keep up the act for the time being but the threat if we slip up doesn’t appear to be as grave as we were worried.”
“Here we are, esteemed young masters,” A server came over with a tray containing several small jars of wine and a few bowls of snacks. “If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to call one of us over.”
“Thank you so much!” Lan Jingyi perked up. “We’ll make sure to leave payment on the table like usual-”
“Send the bill to Lotus Pier,” Jiang Wanyin cut in, surprising everyone. “I’m sure my... Uncle will be more than happy to send payment.”
“If the young master insists!” The server beamed. “Please enjoy.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Lan Jingyi tugged on Wanyin’s sleeve. “We have enough coin-”
“I’m not going to make you pay for an evening in what’s essentially my home,” Jiang Wanyin scoffed, reaching forward and taking one of the jars. He pulled the cloth cover off the top and took a long sip before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and realizing that no one had followed suit. “What? Why are you staring at me?”
“I just- I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drink before,” Jin Ling moved first, taking a jar of his own. “I know you like your alcohol but you were always so... careful not to drink in front of me. Even at big events you’d limit yourself to a single glass and even that was out of respect for your hosts.”
“Huh, never thought I’d be that kind of person,” Wanyin blinked, surprised. “Wei Wuxian and I drink wherever we have the chance but he always ends up out-drinking me. The last time I challenged him to a drinking contest I woke up in a boat without oars floating down the river towards Yilling. The only reason we even got home was because Wei Wuxian was also passed out in the boat with me. I managed to shake him awake and we used our spiritual energy to steer ourselves back upstream.”
“No way,” Jingyi gasped. “I know Senior Wei likes to drink but that sounds extreme even for him!”
“Wei Wuxian has the liver of a god and the hubris to match,” Wanyin scoffed as he rolled his eyes. “It’s going to bite him in the ass one of these days.”
He took another sip of wine, not noticing how his companions had all fallen silent. After a beat he looked up and realized everyone seemed to be staring down at the table, their youthful faces filled with a type of pain that was far too mature for their ages.
“Wanyin-”
“It did, didn’t it?” He asked quietly. This time he didn’t miss how the three seemed to flinch. He sighed and drained his jar, placing it back on the tray before grabbing a second and opening it.
“That idiot... What did he do?”
“Senior Wei... probably lost the most out of everyone in the war,” Lan Jingyi started, his eyes flicking between Sizhui and Jin Ling, both of which were clenching their jaws. Lan Sizhui had been sensitive to the topic ever since he regained his memories of his time in the Burial Mounds, and Jin Ling always got extra prickly whenever someone brought the older man up because he was so used to Wei Wuxian being insulted. “Like I said before, he died but was brought back... I’ll tell you everything that happened but- but not tonight.”
“Mhm, tonight is for having fun and forgetting our responsibilities.” Jin Ling saluted the table with his jar. Lan Jingyi felt the tension in the air lesson as he took his jar and raised it as well. After a beat, SIzhui’s face broke out in a warm smile and did the same. They all turned their attention to Wanyin, who realized they were waiting for him to raise his own jar.
“To the most hodgepodge group of cultivators of this generation!” Lan Jingyi cried with a grin.
“Cheers to us.” Lan Sizhui smiled wider, showing his teeth before draining half his jar in a single go. Jiang Wanyin blanched for a moment, seeing a Lan basically chug wine being a little too much for him.
“Ah, I always like drinking in Yunping,” Jingyi sighed happily as the taste of the wine coated his tongue. It was rich and strong, instantly warming his body the second it hit his stomach. “There’s good alcohol across the clans but there’s something special about Yunmeng wine.”
“Thank my brother for that,” Wanyin smirked a little. “When we were about... fourteen? Yeah, that sounds about right - when we were about fourteen he took a particular interest in the fermentation process of wine and decided to come up with his own recipe. It was so instantly popular that most of the inns and taverns in Yunping adopted it.”
“Ah, we’ll have to thank him when we get back.” Sizhui hummed, his ears red. It couldn’t have been from the wine, but Wanyin wasn’t sure why Sizhui would be blushing until Jingyi leaned in and whispered in his ear.
“Sizhui always gets extra proud when someone praises Senior Wei,” He explained quietly as Jin Ling tried catching the roasted nuts that Sizhui was tossing into the air in his mouth. He was quite good at it, only missing a few which clattered to the ground. “Growing up we only ever heard horror stories of the Yilling Patriarch, but when he regained his memories and Senior Wei decided to open up about his side of the story, public opinion got a lot nicer.”
“Regained his memories?”
“He was young when he was brought to Cloud Recesses,” Jingyi continued, not noticing that he was leaning more into Wanyin’s side in order to whisper into his ear. “He was really sick at the time... the healers thought he wouldn’t make it, but he pulled through in the end. A few years ago we asked Hanguang-Jun what actually happened and he said he’s pretty sure it was a mix of the fever and the trauma of what happened that suppressed his early memories. It was only after Senior Wei came back that the memories started coming back too.”
“That’s... sad,” Wanyin could feel the buzz from the wine in his fingertips. He wasn’t anywhere near drunk but he couldn’t deny that he was beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol already.
“Though given what you’ve told me it might have been for the best.”
“That’s what Hanguang-Jun said too,” Jingyi nodded. “He said that... that it was Sizhui’s mind’s way of coping with everything. If he hadn’t regained his memories on his own, Hanguang-Jun was planning on telling him everything when he came of age.”
“That’s a heavy burden to bear... especially when it concerns someone so important to you. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to keep that a secret - particularly if he knew what was being taught in your classes.”
“Hanguang-Jun suffered a lot in the years between Senior Wei’s death and him coming back,” Lan Jingyi felt his eyes sting. “Even if he never actually said anything to us, we could all see it in his eyes. Ever since Senior Wei came back, Hanguang-Jun has been much happier... It made me realize that-that while I was growing up, Hanguang-Jun was never actually happy. Sure A-Yuan made him happy, but he wasn’t happy overall, you know?”
“Yeah...” Wanyin’s tone was tight. He fiddled with his jar of wine, as if contemplating draining the rest. “I know what that’s like.”
“But it's okay now, because we can all be happy again.”
“Mhm, that sounds... nice.”
“Hey, if you want to head back to Lotus Pier early just let me know, yeah? I’lll go back with you.”
“I’m okay,” Wanyin promised, clinking his jar against the one in Jingyi’s hand. “Besides, even if I wanted to leave early I’m not going to make you miss out. I could find my way back blindfolded.”
“But it’s never fun walking alone!” Jingyi argued, his eyes wide and honest. There was already a faint flush across his nose and his gaze was just beginning to become a little glazed as he searched for something in the younger man’s face. “We’re friends, aren’t we? Friends don’t make friends walk home all by themselves.”
“Ah... in that case, I thank you in advance for taking care of me,” Something told Wanyin there was no point in arguing. Even if he tried to leave alone, he wouldn’t arrive back at Lotus Pier that way. “Jin Ling was right - your tolerance sucks.”
“Hey!” Jingyi steamed, pulling away from Wanyin as if he had been struck. “I’ve worked very hard to get to this point, thank you very much!”
“Why don’t we play a game?” Sizhui stepped in, trying to fight back a grin. Wanyin was beginning to understand how much Lan Sizhui enjoyed seeing his friends being teased.
“Which game?” Jin Ling asked as he tossed another nut into the air to catch in his mouth. It fell true and he hummed happily as he chewed it down.
“How about the one you taught us the first time we came to Yunping?” Sizhui suggested, his smile sharpening as he looked at Jingyi from the corner of his eye.
“No!” Jingyi wailed, throwing himself at Wanyin so he was half-laying in the younger man’s lap. “I suck at that one! You always get me black-out drunk when we play that one.”
“Which one?” Wanyin asked Sizhui, who was snickering behind his sleeve at his friend’s little tantrum.
“Thankfully I just so happen to have everything we would need,” Sizhui continued with a dangerous glint in his eye. With a flourish he pulled a piece of paper, a pencil and a coin from his sleeve. Jingyi only whined louder when he foresaw the terrible morning he was bound to have. “Since Young Master Yu is the newest addition to our party, why doesn’t he go first?”
“I haven’t played this game in ages...” Jiang Wanyin chuckled.
It was a simple coin flip game. Before they were old enough to drink, they would play with dares. The rules were easy - flip a coin onto a piece of paper and draw a circle where it lands. The next person does the same and if the coin lands on an empty spot on the paper they draw their own circle and pass the coin along. If it lands on a previously marked spot, however, that person would have to complete the dare written in the circle - or, in the case of drinking, would have to either take a sip or finish their drink entirely, depending on how cruel of an evening they were having.
He took the coin and flipped it. Since he was the first to go he had free reign of the entire paper, so he drew a generous circle around the coin before passing it to Jingyi. He took it with a pout, already looking as though he lost. He flipped the coin and somehow managed to get it directly in the center of the circle Wanyin had just drawn.
“This isn’t fair!” He cried out. “I have the worst luck with this game!”
“You know the rules,” Jin Ling grinned cattishly as he pushed the older man’s jar closer to him. “Three sips and pass the coin.”
Jingyi grumbled but did as he was told, taking three long swigs of the wine. He grimaced as it burned his throat but didn’t say another word as he passed the coin to Sizhui, who flipped it with the grace of someone raised in the Cloud Recesses. It landed a small distance from Wanyin’s circle, so he drew his own before passing the coin to Jin Ling.
The flush on Jingyi’s cheeks only grew darker as the game progressed. Wanyin had almost believed that Jingyi had been exaggerating about his bad luck but it seemed as though the coin was attracted to circled areas only when Jingyi held it. They had to call the server over for more wine before the paper was filled and given how the server seemed almost fond as he brought over a second tray of jars, Wanyin could only assume it was a common occurrence to have these three cause a commotion.
“A-Cheng... They’re-they’re bullying me...” Lan Jingyi tripped over his words as he placed down yet another empty jar of wine.
“Why don’t we go down to the teahouse now?” Jin Ling suggested. He was flushed - not as much as Jingyi but enough that it was noticeable - and resting his chin on his palm, his elbow propped up on the table. The snacks were long since eaten and the tabletop was obscured by the sheer number of empty jars.
“Mhm... teahouse...” Jingyi muttered, leaning heavily against Wanyin’s side. Goosebumps erupted along Wanyin’s skin where he could feel Jingyi hot breath but he ignored it.
“What’s at the teahouse that’s so special?” He asked as he hoisted Jingyi to his feet.
“You’ll see, Young Master Yu,” Sizhui giggled behind his sleeve. He was the least flushed of the four despite having consumed as much - if not more - than Wanyin himself. It made Wanyin fear Lan Sizhui just a little bit. “But we must hurry. If Jingyi passes out before we get there he’ll complain about it for the next several months.”
“Well, I suppose we should get going then,” The room spun a little as he tried to support Jingyi’s weight. The older man seemed to have decided to trust Wanyin to hold him upright, deciding instead to loop his arms around Wanyin’s neck and giggle loudly as the world around him swam. “He’s such a handful.”
“Mhm, but he’s our handful.” Sizhui hummed, something so painfully soft crossing his face as he also stood.
They slowly made their way out of the tavern and Wanyin was getting a little worried. He had no reason to believe Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui would allow Jingyi to drink enough to get him to the point of being a danger to himself, but at the same time he wasn’t used to drinking with people who acted so... clingy.
The second they were outside, the crisp night air seemed to calm Jingyi down a little. He was able to stand on his own, only using Wanyin’s sleeve to hold him in place as he took a deep, grounding breath.
Looking down at himself, Jingyi thought - not for the first time that evening - that he was grateful for Wanyin’s request. He never realized how much he loved the color purple, and every time he caught a glimpse of it on his own figure it made his heart stutter a little. He knew he would have to return the robes but he wanted to wear them as much as he could. It was like when he would stop by Yunmeng just to try to commit the colors to memory - he wanted to wear the purple robes for as long as possible so he could think back on this evening when he was once again lost in a sea of white.
“Yunping really is so pretty...” He said to no one in particular.
“There’s really no place like it,” Wanyin agreed. “Nights like this... make me proud to be a Jiang. It makes me want to do my best for my people so I can keep their lives easy. I want to ensure that... that they can keep having nights like this, for as long as I can.”
“You’re such an amazing person, A-Cheng,” Jingyi rested his head on Wanyin’s shoulder, which was a little awkward given how they were both stumbling along after the other two. “I’m so glad I got-got to know you like this....I’m gonna miss you when-when things go back to n-normal.”
“Miss me?” Wanyin hated how his chest constricted at the look on Jingyi’s face. “It’s not like I’d be going anywhere.”
“Yeah but-but you’ll have to go back to being Sect Leader Jiang,” Jingyi said the title with as much disdain as his drunken tongue could muster. “You won’t-won’t be able to come out with us like this anymore... not that you’d-not that you’d want to.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Why would you wanna come hang out with a buncha kids?” His words were slurring more as the drunk-exhaustion began to sink in. “You’re-you’re the Sandu-Shengshou! The most amazing cultivator ever... and who am I? Some-some Lan brat that-that shoulda been kicked out years ago? The-the only reason they keep me around is cuz I’m one of the last direct family members... if I was just some random disciple I would-I would have been banished before-before I even got my sword.”
“That’s not true,” Wanyin wrapped an arm around Jingyi’s waist when he noticed the older man beginning to sway more. “Even if you weren’t a direct descendant, they’d have kept you around because you’re skilled, and because you uphold righteousness better than any of those old goats ever could.”
“All I’ve ever wanted was to make my family proud,” Jingyi’s eyes welled with tears. “I try- try so hard but it’s always ‘why can’t you be more like Sizhui?’ and ‘why is it so hard to-to follow the rules?’ and it fuckin’ sucks because-because I really do try my best... my best is just never good enough-”
“You are good enough,” Wanyin cut him off. This was the kind of comfort he was somewhat familiar with. It wasn’t often Wei Wuxian would open up about his insecurities, but it happened enough that Wanyin knew what to say. “As long as you’re doing your best and upholding your morals, your efforts will never be lacking. It’s not your fault that the Lans don’t want to recognize that.”
“You’re so warm...” Jingyi murmured as he huddled into the bodyheat of the man beside him. He was far too drunk to notice how the arm around his waist tightened for a brief moment. “Wish you could... could come back to Gusu with us... you’d make everything so much better.”
“I can certainly come visit,” Jiang Wanyin wondered when the last time someone actually wanted him around was. Wei Wuxian always dragged him into trouble, but there was always a small part of him that thought maybe it was just so he could keep an eye on his brother rather than genuinely just wanting him around. “It’ll be good for me to make friendly relations with the other sects. Besides, the Cloud Recesses are quite beautiful.”
“Not as beautiful as Lotus Pier,” Jingyi said indignantly. “Even the people here are prettier... like you! You’re so pretty, A-Cheng.”
“I-I don’t know about that one...” Wanyin stuttered, his ears suddenly burning like red hot coals.
“It’s a shame...” Jingyi continued to lament, unable to walk in a straight line. This, of course, caused him to bump into Wanyin more often than not until the younger boy reined him in by holding him close. “Our plan is gonna be so much-much harder now... or maybe easier... I dunno...”
“That’s the second time you brats mentions a plan,” Wanyin couldn’t fight back a smirk at the way Jingyi’s eyes widened. The light from the lanterns above reflected back from the older man’s gaze and that, matched with the way the purple robes complemented his complexion, made it hard for Wanyin to look away. “What sort of schemes are you coming up with this time?”
“Jin Ling was-was worried about his Uncle,” Jingyi dropped his voice to a conspiratory whisper., forcing Wanyin to lean in closer to hear him. “So we-we were gonna.... We were gonna try to-to find out...”
“Find out what?”
“It’s a secret~” Jingyi winked, placing a finger on Wanyin’s lips.
“Come on you two!” Jin Ling called out when he noticed Jingyi and Wanyin had stopped in the middle of the path. He frowned at how close they were - from the short distance, it almost looked like his Uncle was holding his friend against his chest. The frown only deepened when he saw Jingyi place a finger against Wanyin’s mouth. Their noses were close enough that Jin Ling was sure they could feel each other’s breath, and it made him angry for a reason he couldn’t quite name.
“Don’t flirt in the middle of the road,” Lan Sizhui had fewer qualms about interrupting their drunken moment. Circling back around, he grabbed Jingyi by the back of his robes and dragged him several paces away from Wanyin before releasing him. “We’re almost there.”
“Fl-fl-flirting?” Lan Jingyi spluttered, whipping his head to look between Sizhui - who looked amused if not a little tired of his antics - to Wanyin - who had gone from red as an apple to pale as a ghost. “No! No-no that’s not- he wouldn’t- I’m not-”
“Let’s just go.” Jin Ling signed, feeling a headache forming behind his eyes. Lan Jingyi continued to splutter nonsense defenses that no one was really paying any mind to. Even Wanyin tuned him out, clearly lost in thought as he mindlessly followed them down the street.
The teahouse was tucked away on a side street, but despite this it was still bustling with business. The front door had been propped open to allow guests to come and go as they pleased, and several people were standing just outside the building as they chatted warmly with friends and acquaintances.
“Young Master! It’s been quite some time since you’ve visited,” An older gentleman greeted them as soon as they entered the building. “And here I was beginning to think you’ve forgotten about this old man.”
“Of course not, Uncle,” Sizhui bowed, offering the man a warm smile. “We’ve been busy but we made it back as soon as we could.”
“But only after stopping at the tavern, of course,” The man teased with a glint in his eye. His grin only widened when he saw Jingyi still grumbling to himself. “You played the coin flip game again, didn’t you?”
“Jingyi was getting too cocky,” Jin Ling snickered. “We needed to teach him a lesson.”
“Of course! Of course,” He laughed heartily. “Come, there’s a table for you four over here. Would you like for me to bring you the usual order?”
“That would be lovely,” Lan Sizhui bowed his head in thanks. “We always appreciate your hospitality.”
“Wah, your generation is so polite! Nothing like the brutes that came before you,” The man waved him off warmly. “Sit! Make yourselves at home. I’ll be right over when everything is ready.”
“Here, A-Yi, maybe you should sit here-” Lan Sizhui had been trying to lead Jingyi to sit with his back against the wall so he had something to lean against only to have his oldest friend whine and pull away from him.
“No! I wanna sit next to A-Cheng!” He stomped his foot before clinging to Wanyin’s sleeve. “He’s the only one here who loves me anymore! You two just like to bully me all the time.”
“We bully because we love.” Sizhui said earnestly, earning a snort from Wanyin and Jin Ling both.
“If you’re so determined to be a burr on my Uncle’s robes, he can sit beside you,” Jin Ling shook his head. “But you should still sit with your back to the wall. We wouldn’t want a repeat of the last time-”
“I get it!” Jingyi cut him off, glancing frantically at Wanyin, his entire face screaming that he was praying the younger man hadn’t heard.
“What happened last time?” Jiang Wanyin couldn’t help but ask as he steered Jingyi to sit where he had been requested to sit.
“No!”
“He had gotten too drunk and-”
“Don’t you dare-”
“And was trying to tell us a story-”
“Jin Ling I swear-”
“And got too enthusiastic-”
“Keep going and I won’t be your friend anymore!”
“You’re so dramatic,” Jin Ling rolled his eyes but the mischievous smile was still plastered blatantly on his face. “Anyway, he got too enthusiastic and ended up falling backwards just as a server was trying to walk by. The dumbass ended up getting hot tea spilled all over his face.”
“My reputation is dead,” Lan Jingyi whispered brokenly as he leaned into Wanyin’s side. “It’s over for me...”
“Your reputation was dead years ago,” Lan Sizhui said in a tone that would have been soothing if it had accompanied any other string of words. “But it made for a memorable story. Isn’t that more important?”
“Yeah, I suppose it is...” Lan Jingyi instantly quieted his outcry.
“You three are too much,” Wanyin said, shaking his head. “I’m surprised they haven’t kicked you out of here sooner.”
“They love us here,” Jingyi giggled, swaying where he sat. He loved being drunk because everything felt so light and bubbly. Sure he would regret it in the morning, but since he was a cultivator, his core would help him burn through the hangover before it had much of a chance to ruin his entire day. “Especially after we helped them.”
“Helped them how?”
“A few years back there was a ghoul infestation,” Sizhui responded calmly. “It was quick work for us, but they were so grateful that they refused to let us pay for quite a while afterwards.”
“It was only after we started sneaking payment that they realized we were going to pay one way or another that they actually accepted our coin,” Jin Ling continued, his eyes shining with the memory. “Though we’re pretty sure they still give us a generous discount.”
“Here we are, young masters,” The man came back over, followed by two more servers. They all had heavily laden trays which they carefully placed on the table. “I made Young Master Jingyi’s slightly stronger. I know he always lets it steep too long so I went ahead and did it for him.”
“This is more than we usually order.” Jin Ling was the first to notice the extra plates of food that had been brought along with their tea.
“Ah, I thought your friend here might like it,” The old man’s eyes sparkled, much like the woman selling the nut’s had. Wanyin instantly knew he had been caught. “It’s not something we make very often anymore, but it used to be a pretty popular dish.”
“Thank you...” Wanyin bowed his head, trying to hold back the sudden tears.
“Young Master Jiang is a good kid,” The old man continued, smiling directly at Wanyin. “He deserves to be treated kindly... and don’t worry, nothing will leave my lips. I don’t know what could have happened for this to occur, but the last thing anyone in Yunping wants is our young master being put in danger.”
“Thank you,” Sizhui bowed his head again. “You always take such good care of us.”
“You took care of us first,” The old man shook his head. “It’s the least we can do.”
“Especially since you keep sending business our way,” One of the servers giggled as she held the tray close to her chest. She didn’t seem to notice - or didn’t care - about the exchange between her father and the cultivators but Wanyin didn’t miss how her eyes seemed to linger on Jingyi’s face. “Every time someone comes in saying they were sent by a group of young cultivators, we always know who they’re talking about.”
“This is a respectable teahouse,” Lan Sizhui hummed, pouring some tea into both his and Jin Ling’s cups. “It’s only fair that we spread the word about it.”
“And we appreciate it greatly,” The only man hummed. “Now enjoy! You’re welcome to stay as long as you wish.”
“We don’t kick you out even when we close,” The server who had spoken earlier said. She was gazing at Jingyi, her cheeks reddening when the young man hummed happily as he poured himself a cup of tea as well. “Purple suits you well, Young Master Lan...”
“Thank you,” He grinned, not noticing how her blush deepend. “If I could wear it forever I probably would... I-I never really had a favorite color before but-but now I must say it’s probably purple.”
He tripped over his words slightly. Though he was slightly more aware of his surroundings after their short walk to the teahouse, the flush on his face was enough to tell the entire world that he was still quite intoxicated. Jiang Wanyin felt himself flushing a beat later, after the words had actually sunk in. Without thinking, he pulled Lan Jingyi closer to his side. He glanced at the server girl from the corner of his eye and saw something flash across her face.
Understanding, maybe? Though he wasn’t sure what it was she could have understood from the gesture. Either way, she bowed and bid them farewell before quickly leaving their table.
“Uncle always serves the best tea,” Jingyi hummed, happily wiggling in his seat as he took a small sip. It was still too hot to drink properly but he wasn’t going to let that stop him from enjoying it. “This is always my favorite part of coming to Yunping.”
“That’s oddly... domestic, after everything I’ve seen tonight,” Wanyin remarked as he blew on his own tea to cool it. “Despite what you say about yourself, you really are a Lan at heart.”
“As long as we get him back in time, we don’t have to worry about anyone else figuring that out too...” Jin Ling said cryptically. Jiang Wanyin wanted to ask what the hell that meant but he refrained.
Instead, he found he was happy just listening to the others reminisce as they drank their tea. Before long their pots were empty and Jingyi was desperately clinging to consciousness as he leaned heavily against Wanyin’s side.
“Come on, we should be getting back.” Sizhui was the first to stand. He swayed a little, reminding Wanyin that Sizhui wasn’t as sober as he might have appeared. The others followed suit, taking a moment to arrange their dishes in a way that would make it easier to clean before leaving some money on the table and heading out of the teahouse with a wave to the owner.
Jingyi could feel his eyes getting heavier and heavier but he didn’t say anything as they began their walk back to Lotus Pier. It was still pitch black out, the darkness only broke up by the moon and stars, but he knew that the inky sky would be giving way to dawn soon and that only served to make the exhaustion weighing down on his double.
“Here... climb on.” Wanyin stopped, making Jingyi blink a few times to focus on gaze.
“You don't have to do that.” He murmured, tugging on Wanyin’s sleeve. The younger man had crouched, his arms out behind him enough to tell Jingyi what he was trying to imply without using words.
“It’s fine,” Wanyin insisted. “Besides, you’re beginning to stumble more. I wouldn’t want you to fall and get hurt.”
“I don’t know if I would do that-” Jin Ling started cautiously, eyeing Jingyi with an expression that told Wanyin he knew something that he wasn’t saying.
“It’s alright,” He repeated. “I’m strong, and I’ve already mostly sobered up. I don’t mind.”
“Mhm... if Wanyin insists...” Jingyi giggled as he climbed onto the younger man’s back, his arms naturally wrapping around his neck. Wanyin hoisted him up properly before continuing their walk down the path.
Before long he could feel Jingyi start to doze on his back, the older man’s breath hitting his exposed neck in a way that made his footsteps falter slightly.
“What did you mean by that?” He asked Jin Ling after a few minutes. He was fairly certain Jingyi was fully asleep by then, based on how even and deep his breathing was.
“Even if we’ve built up his tolerance, he’s still a Lan,” Jin Ling said, eyeing his sleeping friend carefully. “The Lans have an... interesting way of handling alcohol.”
“Interesting how?”
“They fall asleep quickly but wake up and act... out of character.” Sizhui filled him in, the mirth from the night overshadowed by the way he, too, was watching Jingyi with concern.
“We try to get him back to wherever we’re staying before he passes out,” Jin Ling continued. Yunping was growing quiet behind them, both due to the late hour and because of the distance they were putting between themselves and the town. The lights of Lotus Pier shown far down the path. “He gets... ashamed of how he acts. We thought we’d be able to get him back in his bed before anything happened tonight but we spent too long at the teahouse again...”
“It’ll be okay,” Sizhui assured the young Sect Leader. “Jingyi’s in good hands.”
“How does he act?” Wanyin couldn’t help but ask.
“For his sake, let’s hope you don’t find out.” Was the cryptic response his nephew gave. They walked in silence for a few more minutes, Wanyin’s arms only just beginning to burn with the exertion of carrying a grown man on his back but he never once thought of taking Jingyi up to make him walk on his own.
Lotus Pier came into view and it was only then that Jiang Wanyin realized his own exhaustion. He and Jingyi had been up early going over his journal entries, and after their spar and swimming for so long, his body ached for his bed. If this was how he felt at eighteen, he found himself wondering how he managed to be one of the top cultivators at forty-five. He was probably exhausted all the time, his older body aching more than he would ever let anyone know.
The thought made him even more tired.
“Here, let’s get him into sleep clothes then we can-” Lan Sizhui started saying as they slipped into the room he and Jingyi shared. Wanyin had deposited the sleeping man onto the bed and was making his way towards the door when a hand shot out to catch his wrist.
“Don’t touch me.”Lan Jingyi growled, his eyes glassy but sharp.
“It’s alright,” Lan Sizhui said calmly, taking his hand away. “We’re just getting you into something more comfortable-”
“I don’t want your help,” He snapped, shoulders tensing as if he were preparing to be hit. Jiang Wanyin didn’t know Jingyi could sound so... cold. “Leave me alone.”
“You’re drunk, A-Yi,” Sizhui tried again. “You’re going to feel like shit in the morning-”
“I don’t need your help!” Lan Jingyi sprung to his feet, trying to put distance between himself and Sizhui. Jin Ling jumped out of the way but Wanyin wasn’t quite fast enough. As soon as Jingyi’s back hit the younger man’s chest, he spun around. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“Excuse me?” Wanyin blanched, unable to think of a proper response through his shock.
“Get away from me!” Lan Jingyi’s voice began to rise. “I don’t need your help!”
It was such a far cry from the clingy man Wanyin had been carting around for the last several hours, and he found it scared him a little. He thought he had gotten to know Jingyi over the last few days, but the man glaring at him was nothing like the one who awkwardly stuttered through answering his questions, or who had teased him over dinner. The Jingyi who was trying to push past him was a stranger.
“Don’t let him out-” Sizhui warning came just a beat too late, for Lan Jingyi had already wormed his way around Wanyin and slipped out into the night.
“Shit...” Jin Ling whispered in horror as he stared at the open door.
“We need to find him,” Sizhui’s tone held a note of fear. “Before he hurts himself.”
“What?” Wanyin’s heart sank.
“He’s... he’s been getting better, but he’s never in a good state of mind when he’s drunk like this,” Sizhui bit his thumb nail anxiously. “I thought he was getting better but...”
“But it’s like before.” Jin Ling finished the sentence.
“So he’s not like this every time he drinks?”
“No, normally he gets melancholy and falls back asleep,” Lan Sizhui readjusted his robes and made for the door. “But if something’s bothering him, it’ll all come crashing down when he’s drunk.”
“He didn’t tell us he was feeling this way again.” It sounded like Jin Ling was biting back tears.
“Let’s focus on finding him first,” Wanyin said. “We can interrogate him tomorrow.”
“Mhm.” Sizhui nodded as the three spilled out of the room.
“I’ll go to the lakes,” Wanyin hummed, not seeing any evidence that Jingyi had even left his rooms. “Sizhui, the training grounds. Jin Ling, go check the kitchens. I know Wei Wuxian always wanders towards food when he’s drunk. If we can’t find him by sunrise, meet back here and we’ll regroup.”
“Understood, Sect Leader.” Sizhui bowed his head before rushing off towards the training fields. Jin Ling nodded as well and went off towards the kitchens. Wanyin took a steadying breath before turning on his heel and storming towards the lakes.
He was determined to find Jingyi, just as Jingyi had found him.
Notes:
I didn't mean for this chapter to get so long but the words just kept writing themselves lmao the plan was to have the whole town scene in one chapter but when I remembered how the Lans react to alcohol I realized I couldn't let the opportunity pass me by! One thing I love about fan fiction is the ability to dissect and examine a character, and showing Jingyi in a way that he normally wouldn't act would be such a perfect way to examine his character a little more!
I'm not going to change the chapter count just yet cuz I think I might be able to fit everything but we'll see!
Chapter Text
Jiang Wanyin made his way across the piers easily, his footsteps nearly silent on the worn wood. He had been surprised how quickly Lan Jingyi had found him that first day, having thought his hiding place was one quite out of the way. The moon was beginning to descend, the horizon becoming kissed with the first hints of dawn.
“Jingyi?” He called out softly, not wanting to wake anyone up. “Jingyi, where are you?”
“Get lost,” A familiar voice growled. Wanyin had to hold back a flinch from how close the other man’s words were. “I don’t need you.”
“I think you might,” Wanyin contested. “Look, I don’t want to overstep but you’re my friend... I’m not about to let my friend catch a cold because he drunkenly passes out under a tree.”
“Friend? I don’t need friends.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Wanyin had a sinking feeling he knew what Jingyi was actually mad about. “You were the one who basically begged me to be friends.”
When Jingyi didn’t respond, Wanyin sighed and crouched to crawl under the tree. The older man was sitting up against the tree trunk, his face livid but no amount of ire could hide how his cheeks were streaked with tears. Wanyin didn’t speak as he moved to sit next to Jingyi, leaving a respectable space between them. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Jiang Wanyin finally spoke again.
“You know, that girl was right,” He said instead of any of the other thoughts swirling through his mind. Jingyi finally glanced over at him, the furrow of his brow loosening the slightest bit. “About your robes. You look good in purple.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Jingyi growled, curling in more in himself. “I’m going to have to change back into my GusuLan robes come morning.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Even if it’s not tomorrow, it’ll be the day after,” Jingyi argued, his voice even and cold. It soured Wanyin’s stomach - the Jingyi he knew always had such life and emotion behind his words, as if there was too much enthusiasm in his body. This chill coming from Jingyi now made his skin crawl. “There’s no escaping it... I’m a Lan. I need to uphold the family name. I need to do my surname honor.”
“Who said you aren’t doing your family honor?” Jiang Wanyin countered.
“Literally everyone?” Jingyi smirked, but it was sharp and cruel. “I’m not an idiot. I hear the way they whisper when I walk past. I see the glances they shoot my way... But I don’t need them. I’m better off on my own. I’m safer that way.”
“I think Sizhui and Jin Ling would disagree,” Wanyin hated that his assumptions had been right. He knew a little bit about Jingyi’s childhood and was able to piece together what sort of trauma the seemingly sunny disciple must be hiding deep down. Hearing those thoughts be confirmed made his throat sting. “They seemed incredibly worried about you.”
“Why would they?” Venom dripped from his every word and even Wanyin found himself flinching back from it. “They’ve always been too good for me. Maybe this’ll finally be the push they need to leave me behind. I’m a vile person...”
“They’re only as good to you as you deserve,” Jiang Wanyin started hesitantly. He had a feeling one wrong word could cause more damage than he’d like to admit to. “And you’re not a vile person. You’re a flawed person, but who isn’t flawed? Your sect’s motto is to uphold righteousness and in the short time I’ve known you, you’ve done that better than anyone I’ve ever met.”
“Don’t lie to me,” Jingyi snapped, narrowing his eyes. “What do you know of me? The only reason Lan Sizhui and Jin Ling follow me around is because they pity me. They think I’ll kill myself if they’re not watching me like a damn hawk.”
Wanyin winced at how much bitterness backed the names of the two men. He knew how much Lan Jingyi loved his friends, so hearing those horrible words coming from his lips felt so wrong.
“Do you want to die?” He whispered, making Jingyi flinch this time.
“I don’t know,” He murmured after a beat of silence. He finally dropped his glare and buried his face in his knees. “Sometimes I think... that the world would be better if I wasn’t in it anymore. All I ever do is cause issues.”
“Well I think the world would be much darker without you in it,” Wanyin countered casually. He knew getting heated would only make things worse, so he beat back down the anger he could feel brewing - not anger at Jingyi, but rather anger at how Jingyi spoke of himself. He worried that he might not be able to hold that anger back for long, so he wanted to get as much across as he could before then. “I can’t even begin to imagine how much worse this whole curse situation would have been without you... if you never found me that day. If you never helped me read through my journals. If you never talked some sense into my thick ass head about my own worth... If I had to do all that on my own, I don’t think I would have survived. Reading those journal entries... the guilt and horror of my actions was so suffocating, but then you came around and I was able to take a breath again.”
“What do you want from me?” Jingyi asked, his voice weak and trembling. He didn’t lift his head, but the fire was gone from his words. Wanyin figured out that his anger wasn’t actual rage, but rather a defense mechanism to scare others off so he could ferment in his thoughts on his own. Given how the others admitted how Jingyi normally got melancholy, it made sense that if those feelings got bottled up, they would explode like this.
“I want you to stop being a massive idiot and listen for once,” Wanyin snapped without any fire behind his words. “You are not what you think you are. You have people who love you so dearly - people who would be absolutely destroyed if anything happened to you.”
“Why would they care? They’d be better off without me and if they don’t realize that, maybe they’re stupid enough to be hurt. They’d deserve it for letting someone like me leech off of them for so long.”
“Do they know you sometimes think about dying?”
“I don’t know...”
“Jingyi... have you hurt yourself before?” Wanyin asked carefully, watching Lan Jingyi’s reactions closely. He didn’t want his suspicions confirmed, but after what Sizhui had implied, he was scared.
It had been a long time since he had been scared for someone else.
Much to his horror, Lan Jingyi’s head shot up, the older man’s eyes widening in fear. He scrambled back slightly, unable to put too much more distance between them because of the tree. He began to shake uncontrollably, fresh tears washing away the stale tracks on his cheeks.
“Wh-what?” He whispered, looking at Wanyin as if he expected the younger man to strike him.
“Sizhui implied that... you might be a danger to yourself if we couldn’t find you,” He wasn’t sure if that was a detail he should have shared but he was scared. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing and lose Jingyi. He didn’t even know when the Lan disciple became so important to him, but now that there was a chance that he could lose Lan Jingyi, he felt fear shake him to his core. “We just want you to be okay.”
“Why do you care?” His eyes narrowed but the tears didn’t stop. “What am I to you? A friend? Yeah right - I’m just a toy, aren’t I? That’s all I ever am! A toy... a doll to pose and play with and throw away when I don’t do what you want me to do, right?”
“What?” Shock hit him like lightning. “Of course not! How could you even think that?”
“That’s all I’ve ever been!” Jingyi shouted, jerking forward as if to grab at Wanyin’s robes but he resisted. As much as it hurt to see his friend breaking down, Jiang Wanyin refused to look away. He needed Jingyi to know he wasn’t going to back down. “My whole life I’ve been a-a doll! But I never learned to play the right way. I never played house the way they wanted me to! I was always a disappointment!”
“Then they’re fucking idiots!” Wanyin snapped. Jingyi’s face, which had been twisting in anger, instantly dropped. He gaped at Wanyin, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water with no words to be found. “If they thought they could control you and have the audacity to get mad at you for not being some lame ass, blank slate then that’s their problem, not yours! Just because you feel your emotions more than they do doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. You’re a fucking human, Jingyi! You can’t be expected to be made of ice and it’s absolutely brainless to expect that of someone - especially from a fucking kid!”
“But-”
“No! Don’t interrupt. You’re going to shut the fuck up and listen to me.” Wanyin could feel himself growing louder and wished he could reign in his anger but this was how he always got - too emotional and too angry, especially on someone else’s behalf.
He faintly recalled the last time he and Wei Wuxian really fought. Wei Wuxian had tried to brush off the fact that his mother had whipped him with Zidian again and Wanyin had just gotten so angry at how casual his brother was being about the whole situation. He had blown up, yelling at Wei Wuxian until his brother started yelling back. It took a full two days before Jiang Yanli was able to get them to speak again.
“That’s all people ever do,” Jingyi snapped back, surging forward until they were a hair's width apart. “They always try to tell me how to act and how to feel! I don’t have to listen to you, Jiang Wanyin.”
“No, I think you do need to listen to me,” Wanyin acted on impulse, reaching forward and grabbing Jingyi’s wrists, pinning them against the tree over his head. Jingyi glared up at him but didn’t try to break free. “Lan Jingyi! You are an amazing person. You’re considerate and caring and kind. I’ve-I’ve never met anyone like you before! I’ve never met someone who-who gives his love so freely the way you do. Not even Wei Wuxian is as genuine as you. He’s a shameless flirt, and likes to make people smile, but that’s because he feels the need to do so to make sure people like him but you don’t do that! You make people smile simply by being around them. You were born for a reason, and a world without you in it wouldn’t be a world worth living in!”
“Wh-what?” Jingyi whispered, eyes wide and lips trembling. The look of pain and desperation on his face made Wanyin’s stomach twist into knots. That was never an expression he wanted to see on his friend’s face.
“Lan Jingyi,” He took a calming breath, trying to lower his voice. He was sure someone must have heard his shouting and he hoped no one would come investigating. “Listen to me closely, okay? If that ass Qiren refuses to see you for the amazing person you are, that’s his loss. If your sect refuses to understand how perfectly you uphold their morals, they’re the stupid ones. If your brain refuses to accept that you’re loved, then you need to open your damn eyes and look around you!”
“But-”
“Please...” Wanyin felt his eyes burning. “I-I don’t know what to do when someone makes me feel scared like this. I can handle anger, and I can handle pain, but when someone I care about talks about-about no longer being around... it scares me down to my very core and I don’t know.... I don’t know what to do!”
“I’m sorry...” Lan Jingyi let his head drop, sobs shaking his frame. “I’m sorry! I-I don’t know how- I don’t-I’m so sorry-”
“Stop apologizing, idiot,” Wanyin blinked back tears. The fear was beginning to dissipate now that Jingyi no longer seemed to be fighting it. He prayed this was the breakthrough he needed to understand that Wanyin wasn’t trying to fool him. “Just... just let us take care of you. We don’t give a shit that you're not some perfect little Lan doll. We want you around because of who you are right now. We want you around because of who you are, Lan Jingyi - rough edges and all. Do you understand me?”
“Wanyin...”
“Do you understand-” Wanyin’s eyes flew open as he was interrupted. He hadn’t expected Jingyi to so easily shake the younger man’s hands from his wrists, and he was even less prepared for Jingyi to surge forward and slam their mouths together.
He tried to pull back, the only thing - other than how hot Jingyi’s lips were against his - was that Jingyi was drunk. He would never kiss Wanyin if he was sober, and Wanyin didn’t want to contribute to something the older man would regret in the morning.
But Jingyi was persistent, reaching up to tangle his fingers in the back of Wanyin’s robes, holding him in place. Wanyin’s eyes fluttered shut at the sensation of Jingyi swiping his tongue along his lower lip. He never thought his first kiss would be like this, but he found he... liked it. He liked how aggressive Jingyi was being as he bit at the younger man’s lips, urging him to open his mouth.
A weak sound escaped from him as he gave in, letting his jaw fall open to allow Jingyi access. He closed his eyes fully, prepared to let Jingyi take control of the kiss entirely, only to panic when the kiss suddenly stopped.
“Wh- shit!” He managed to catch Jingyi just as the older man keeled over, his eyes shut and his face serene. Wanyin panicked for a second before realizing that Jingyi’s breathing was deep and even.
He had finally fallen asleep.
“You son of a-” Wanyin cut himself off and shook his head. Heaving a heavy sigh, he gathered Jingyi in his arms, holding him close. He could feel how Jingyi’s skin was cold to the touch and for a second regretted having the older man wear the YunmengJiang robes. If he was still in his own, he wouldn’t be this cold.
But Jingyi seemed to really thrive in the light, purple robes. He was like a bird who was finally let out of his cage as he danced around, his limbs seeming less heavy and his body no longer weighed down by the shackles of his clan. He made a mental note to have robes commissioned for Jingyi specifically. He knew Jingyi and the others wouldn’t be able to stay at Lotus Pier forever, but he could at least send him off with something to remind him of his time there.
“You found him,” Lan Sizhui rushed forward, keeping his voice and footsteps light. It looked as though he was returning from the training fields, the pinched look on his face instantly dropping when he saw their missing friend safe and sound. “Is... how is he?”
“Sleeping,” Wanyin said dumbly. If he had a free hand, he probably would have smacked himself for such a stupid reply. Sizhui could clearly see that Jingyi was sleeping - that obviously wasn’t what he was asking. “He, uh... we had a talk. He cried quite a bit so he’s going to need water when he wakes up.”
“Oh Jingyi...” Sizhui’s eyes filled with tears. “He must have been holding back so much...”
“He’s not going to want to talk about this.”
“He’s not going to remember anything,” Sizhui shook his head. Wanyin didn’t know why the admission made his stomach sink. “That’s another part of the Lan alcohol tolerance... they never seem to remember what they do after passing out. He’ll remember most of our time in town but nothing from when he fell asleep onward.”
“I see...”
“Did he... say something?” Sizhui glanced at him, worry painted clearly on his face.
“He said that-that he sometimes thinks about what the world would be like if he were no longer in it,” Wanyin admitted, his throat tight. “I tried to talk some sense into him, but I don’t know how much actually got through to him.”
“Don’t hold any of this against him,” Sizhui begged quietly. “A-Yi means so much to us... and we can tell you mean a lot to him too.”
“I would never,” He swore as Sizhui opened the door to their shared room. Wanyin, for just a split second, considered walking in the opposite direction and keeping Jingyi in his personal quarters, but he had a feeling the older man would need Sizhui when he finally woke up. “He’s... important to me too. I just want him to be happy.”
“Let’s get him into bed,” Sizhui suddenly sounded so exhausted. “He’s going to have quite the headache when he wakes up.”
“Should I go find Jin Ling and tell him that we found him?”
“It’s almost sunrise,” Sizhui sighed. “He’ll come back soon. It’s best if you go to sleep as well. We’ve all had a long day.”
“Sleep sounds... good.” He wanted to say something about the kiss but found the words were caught in his throat. Sizhui offered him another tired smile before turning to help the sleeping Jingyi out of his robes. Taking his cue, Wanyin let himself out of the room and began the arduous trek to his own chambers.
Despite the exhaustion weighing him down, he had a slight worry that he wouldn’t be able to sleep. His bed called to him like a siren but his brain was still racing. Why did Jingyi kiss him? Did he just need the reassurance that someone cared for him? It would make sense, given the conversation they had been having but at the same time Jingyi didn’t seem the type to kiss someone randomly. Didn’t the Lans have a whole thing about only falling in love once? He recalled someone murmuring about it when he was studying at the Cloud Recesses, but he chalked it up to childish rumors.
“Jiang Cheng? What are you doing up so early?” Wei Wuxian’s voice made him jump. He hadn’t even realized someone had approached him until his brother was right up next to him.
“I... haven’t gone to bed yet,” He said, his own voice sounding far away. “I just... was heading back to my rooms...”
“Woah, you look like you’re about to pass out,” Wei Wuxian put a hand on his elbow, helping to keep him upright. “Did you have too much to drink?”
“No, I’m painfully sober,” He sighed. “Honestly, more alcohol might help me right now.”
“Do... you want to talk about it?” Wei Wuxian asked, sounding small. Wanyin opened his mouth to decline the offer when Jingyi’s voice came drifting back to him.
If you want Senior Wei to come back to the Inner courtyard, all you have to do is let him know... you’re not as alone as you think you are.
He didn’t want to be alone. He was so used to shoving people away but now that he has the knowledge that his pushing Wei Wuxian away was the reason his brother died, he couldn’t bring himself to continue the same toxic behaviors. He had been distraught when he realized he was the reason Wei Wuxian had been chased off. He didn’t want to repeat the past he didn’t remember.
“Would that be okay?” He asked hesitantly, glancing at Wei Wuxian from the corner of his eye. The older man perked up, looking as if Wanyin had collapsed to his knees and bowed.
“Of course!” He gasped, eyes somehow widening more. “Y-yeah! It’s okay!”
“Let’s... go to my room then,” He blushed, fighting back the urge to snap at him. “We can talk there.”
Wei Wuxian nodded and followed a step behind Wanyin the entire way to his chambers. To Jiang Wanyin, Wei Wuxian was acting like a puppy who was promised a treat. In all honesty, it was kind of cute. It only made him feel guiltier about how he treated his brother after the war.
What did he do to deserve Wei Wuxian’s forgiveness? He didn’t think he would ever be able to forgive himself for what he did, and the person who was hurt most by his actions was still by his side. Wei Wuxian had rushed to Lotus Pier from the Cloud Recesses the moment he heard something had happened to him... what did he ever do to deserve someone like Wei Wuxian in his life?
“So... how was your night on the town?” Wei Wuxian asked as soon as they were safe in the Sect Leader’s chambers. “I saw you got Jingyi to dress up in YunmengJiang robes! He looked quite dashing.”
“I suppose...”
“Did you go to the tavern?”
“Mhm...”
“What did you do there?” It was clear Wei Wuxian was giving him a chance to talk about something casual while he gathered his thoughts. He realized he appreciated the gesture more than he thought he would, because he didn’t even know where to start.
“We, uh... played the coin flip game,” He answered after clearing his throat awkwardly. “Jingyi has the worst luck in the world with that game. Somehow every single time he flipped the coin it landed in a circle. It was almost sad to watch but he took his punishment with honor every time.”
“He’s a good kid,” Wei Wuxian hummed warmly. “Lan Zhan and I were a little worried when we heard A-Yuan and A-Ling were trying to fix his Lan tolerance but so far nothing world-ending has come from it.”
“He’s... even clingier when drunk,” Wanyin felt the corner of his lips pulling up without him meaning to. “He’s always so loud... it’s nice. I thought it would get annoying when I first met him but it’s become... a comfort, I suppose.”
“He does have that effect on people,” Wei Wuxian chuckled fondly. “Lan Zhan was telling me about when he and A-Yuan became friends. Apparently baby A-Yuan didn’t know what to do with himself! But Jingyi was persistent, so it was only natural that A-Yuan would become so loyal to him.”
“Mhm...” That made Wanyin frown. It really did feel only natural to become loyal to someone like Jingyi - someone so genuine and kind. Lan Jingyi was the kind of person that proved time and time again that he would fight for what he believed in, no matter the consequences. Of course that’s the kind of person that would inspire loyalty...
So why had he been so convinced that no one truly cared for him?
“Did whatever upset you have to do with Jingyi?” Wei Wuxian asked, able to read his brother’s expression way too well for Wanyin’s liking.
“I guess...”
“Take your time, A-Cheng,” Wei Wuxian said softly. The name made Wanyin bristle, not because he didn’t like it but because it reminded him of how drunk-Jingyi cooed it so sweetly as he clung to Wanyin’s side. “Did something happen when Jinygi passed out?”
“How did you know?” Wanyin blinked in surprise. Wei Wuxian raised an eyebrow before laughing.
“I know all about the infamous Lan alcohol tolerance!” He grinned. “Lan Zhan passes out after a single cup of wine then wakes back up again a few minutes later. He’s so cute when he’s drunk, Jiang Cheng! He gets all pouty and possessive~ the first time I saw him drunk after I came back he tied me up with his ribbon and paraded me past all the juniors. At the time I was mortified but after I realized what he was trying to do I was just so happy.”
“What... was he trying to do?”
“Marry me~” Wei Wuxian said in a sing-song voice. “But he was too drunk to say it properly so the only thing he could think to do was tie me up! Ah, my husband is just so cute it drives me mad.”
“I’m glad things worked out between you,” Jiang Wanyin said what he had been thinking for the last few days. “I remember how upset it used to make you, thinking that he hated you... Jingyi told me that it turned out that he liked you all along and was too emotionally constipated to say anything.”
“That’s my Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian said, his face softening. “We’ve both been through so much... I like to say this is the happy ending we fought so hard for.”
“I’m happy for you,” Wanyin hummed. He was struck with a horrifying thought - Jingyi said Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji had been married almost six years prior... was he even present for the wedding? Or was he still so estranged from the brother he grew up with that he missed Wei Wuxian bowing three times with the man he loves? “How-how was the wedding?”
“It was beautiful,” Wei Wuixan sighed happily. “Lan Zhan was absolutely ethereal in his red robes... Once I joked that I want to get married again just to see him in red and he agreed instantly! Can you imagine it?”
“Was... I there?”
“Jiang Cheng...” Wei Wuxian’s mirth faded instantly. He gave his brother a long, torn look before sighing. “You... you were invited. As far as we know, you were planning on coming, but something happened. There had been a night hunt in Yunmeng that some of the younger disciples had gone on and they were injured pretty critically... you sent several wedding gifts to make up for it, if that’s any consolation.”
“So I wasn’t there for that either,” He dug his nails into his palms, almost wishing they would draw blood. “I failed you then, too.”
“What? No! No, Jiang Cheng you- you never failed me!”
“Don’t lie to me,” He snapped. Gods above he was so fucking tired. “I know what I did! I ruined everything... I failed you over and over and over again... I don’t know how you can stand being in the same room as me after everything I did-”
He was cut off by being pulled into a tight embrace. He tensed for a moment before melting into his brother’s arms. He fought to hold back his tears, but the second he heard Wei Wuxian cooing softly against his hair, he broke.
“I’m so-so sorry-” He sobbed, burying his face in his brother’s shoulder.
“Shhh, it’s alright A-Cheng,” Wei Wuxian promised, holding him tighter and running a hand along his back. “I never blamed you, not even once. I know you always did what you could for the sect... How could I blame you for trying to survive and rebuild your home?”
Wanyin only cried harder when Wei Wuxian referred to Lotus Pier as his home. Not their home. How? How was Wei Wuxian able to comfort him after everything he did? He was a monster.
“You’re thinking too hard,” Wei Wuxian hummed, gently bapping him on the top of the head much like a cat would to get one’s attention. It worked too, causing Wanyin to blink through his tears and look up. “I’d like to have a genuine talk with you about all this soon, but there was another reason we came here, right?”
“I-” Jiang Wanyin wanted to sleep for a week. He tried his best to dry his tears without shaking Wei Wuxian’s arms away but didn’t get very far. Wei Wuxian chuckled and loosened the embrace just enough to help dry his tears.
“Gods above, you’re so young now,” Wei Wuxian said wistfully. “You make me feel so damn old...”
“Jingyi kissed me.” Wanyin steeled his nerves and spat what had been bothering him out in a single breath. Wei Wuxian froze, the gentle smile plastered on his face as his eyebrows slowly raised.
“What?” His brother asked, his voice pitched slightly higher.
“He- I found him under the tree by the lake,” Wanyin flushed red. “He was acting so cold and angry and just- he just ran out. Lan Sizhui seemed worried that he might- he might do something to hurt himself so we all went off to find him. He yelled at me and told me to get lost but I wasn’t about to let him chase me off like that. I think... I think he has a lot of internalized issues from his childhood. He always acts so happy and carefree but deep down he’s scared of being thrown away if he doesn’t act the way he thinks people want him to act.”
“I know Lan Zhan helped him when he was younger,” Wei Wuxian frowned, chewing on his thumbnail mindlessly. “There was a period of time where he was scared to talk, and Lan Zhan tried his best to help him through it.”
“He told me about that,” Wanyin felt fire burning in his throat as he recalled the helpless smile that had spread across Jingyi’s face as he recalled the painful memories. “They were going to strike him with the disciple whip but Wangji stepped in to stop it. Wei Ying, he was seven.”
“You called me Wei Ying...” Wei Wuxian swayed in spot slightly, looking at his brother as if he was a ghost.
“I... I don’t want to tattle on him, but I’m scared for him,” Wanyin swallowed thickly. “I don’t want him to be mad at me, but if Lan Wangji can help him, it might be worth his hatred.”
“I don’t think Jingyi could hate anyone,” Wei Wuxian assured him with a small smile. “Especially not you. I’ve seen the way he clings to you. You’re special to him.”
“He was saying how he wondered what the world would be like if he were no longer in it,” The words tasted like ash. “I don’t think... he truly wants to die, but he’s scared.”
“Don’t worry, A-Cheng,” Wei Wuxian reached forward and pulled on the tie holding Wanyin’s hair back. When the younger man didn’t say anything, he took a comb and began running it through his brother’s tresses. “He has A-Yuan and A-Ling, and he has me and Lan Zhan... and now he has you, too. He’ll be taken care of, even if he doesn’t think he deserves to be.”
“Mhm...” He didn’t trust his voice.
“Now... Why did Jingyi kissing you make you so upset? Was it against your will?” There was an edge to the question that made Wanyin shrink down a little in his seat.
“It-it wasn’t completely unwanted,” He said awkwardly. For some reason, it felt like he was being interrogated by a father figure rather than his brother. “It just caught me off guard. He was drunk, and I didn’t want him to do something he would regret in the morning.”
“He’s not the kind of kid that would kiss someone and move on like nothing happened.” Wei Wuxian hummed, nimble fingers deftly braiding Wanyin’s hair, being careful not to tug too hard.
“He won’t remember it in the morning,” Jiang Wanyin felt his tongue sour at the admittance. “Lan Sizhui said he never remembers what he does after he passes out... I just- how am I going to face him tomorrow?”
“Do you want to confront him about it?”
“If I’m going to confront him about anything that happened tonight, it’s going to be about what he said,” Wanyin sighed, knowing he will never actually bring up how he lost his first kiss. It wasn’t nearly as important as the possibility that Jingyi might wish to die. “I... I can’t lose him. When he said that it scared me so fucking much I thought I was going to pass out.”
“It’s both an amazing treasure and a terrible burden when you find someone who means so much to you,” Wei Wuxian’s voice was uncharacteristically somber. “They bring a light to your life that you never knew you were missing, but at the same time have the ability to douse that light forever...”
“I’m scared that if we solve this curse, he’ll be left alone again,” he whispered, as if confessing a horrible sin. “I know he has Sizhui and Jin Ling, but he already expressed that-that he doesn’t expect me to want to spend time with him anymore if we break the curse. He sounded so-so sad. He was trying to smile and laugh through it but his eyes were so dim. I never want to see his eyes dim like that again.”
“Maybe... maybe breaking this curse doesn’t have to be a priority,” Wei Wuxian looked away. “I mean, the right thing to do would be to break it and get you back to your real age but...”
“But?”
“But I saw how happy you seemed earlier,” Wei Wuxian curled his shoulders in, making himself smaller. “It’s-it’s all my fault that everything went wrong. This could be your second chance at a real life. You don’t- you don’t remember the trauma you went through because of me... If I break this curse, it’ll be like I’m damning you again.”
“How can you blame yourself after everything you were put through?” He scoffed, unable to muster up his usual ire. “You... you were just doing what you could to survive and protect the people you care about! If anything, I’m the one to blame for not supporting you...”
“What a pair we make,” Wei Wuxian chuckled sadly. “It’s like the world will end if we stop blaming ourselves.”
“Wei Wuxian?”
“Mhm?”
“I’m tired...”
“Let’s get you to bed then.” Wei Wuxian gestured for his brother to go behind the screen to change. He did as he was instructed, stripping from his robes and slipping on his sleeping clothes. His robes were caked with mud from sitting under the tree but he hadn’t even noticed.
“How am I going to face him tomorrow?” Wanyin asked, the vulnerability that had been attacking him bleeding into his words.
“It’s something you’re going to have to take one step at a time,” Wei Wuxian sounded as if he wished he could offer better advice. “I think breakfast is a good place to start.”
“Can you stay?”
“Huh?” Wei Wuxian straightened his spine, looking as though Wanyin stabbed Sandu through his stomach a second time.
“I... I don’t want to be alone right now,” He closed his eyes as if it could prevent the tears that had been threatening to fall. “Please...”
“Of-of course,” Wei Wuxian breathed. “Yeah! Of course I’ll stay... A-Cheng, I’ll always stay by your side... you just have to ask me.”
Wanyin bit back a sob as he crawled into his bed. Part of him knew he was too old to be acting like this, but given everything he had been through in the last few days, an even bigger part of him decided that he deserved a chance to break down.
He just wanted things to be okay again.
Wei Wuxian crawled into bed with him and it felt so familiar that Wanyin felt the tension leaking from his muscles. It had been years since Wei Wuxian and he shared a bed - the last time he could remember was right before they turned eleven and his brother was sent to live in another room. He had been so indignant about having to share when Wei Wuxian first came to Lotus Pier, but when it was time for his brother to leave it broke Wanyin’s heart.
He couldn’t even imagine what his brother was feeling. To Wanyin, it had only been a few years since they had been close, but to Wei Wuxian it had been decades. It had been lifetimes since he and the man he was raised alongside with treated him like a true brother.
“Wei Wuxian?”
“Mhm?”
“I love you,” He whispered. He felt rather than heard Wei Wuxian suck in a sharp breath behind him. “And... and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner... you’re my brother, no matter what. I don’t know why you would forgive me after everything I did... but I’m going to make it up to you. I-I don’t know how, but I promise I will...”
“Go to sleep, A-Cheng,” Wei Wuxian’s voice was thick with tears. Arms wrapped around his waist and Wanyin wanted to keen in pain when he felt a warm wetness begin to soak into his back. “Everything will be okay...”
Jiang Wanyin didn’t think he would be able to sleep, but after crying as much as he did his brain was blissfully empty. His muscles ached with how comfortable he was, his bed soft and familiar under his body and he couldn’t help but curl more into his brother’s warmth. He knew the morning was going to suck, but for the time being he was content.
“I love you too, A-Cheng,” Wei Wuxian whispered against Wanyin’s back once he was sure the younger man was asleep. “No matter what.”
Notes:
if you saw the chapters change no you didn't! also this was written yesterday but I didn't want to be too proactive and post twice in one day lmao but I'm just having so much fun and I know my time will be limited as soon as the move is in full progress so I'm going to write as much as I can!
Chapter Text
“Wow, didn’t think we’d see you so soon.” Jin Ling said through a mouthful of his lunch.
“Don’t... talk to me right now...” Lan Jingyi shuffled and collapsed in his seat. He winced at the sound of the bowl being pushed across the table by a sympathetic Sizhui before letting his head fall carefully onto the tabletop. “I crave death...”
“Sorry, I don’t believe death or dying are on the agenda for the day,” Lan Sizhui said lightly. Unlike Jingyi, who’s robes were barely tied and his hair was half up, the rest falling in tangles over hunched shoulders, Lan Sizhui didn’t have a single hair out of place. “Eat as much as you can but don’t push yourself. I know you hate throwing up.”
“Throwing up would be a blessing right now.” Jingyi muttered into the table. He truly sounded pathetic - so much so that even Jin Ling let out a sound of sympathy as he reached over and pet the older man’s head gently.
“We can get you something for your headache after you eat something,” He offered in a rare moment of kindness. “We’ll be benevolent and wait until you don’t look like a ferocious spirit before teasing you endlessly.”
“Your mercy knows no bounds, Sect Leader Jin,” Jingyi grumbled. He tilted his head so that only his cheek remained squished against the table and weakly brought a small bite to his lips. The other two watched in horror as Jingyi’s face turned a concerning shade of green as soon as he swallowed the singular bite. “Oh gods above... I’m never playing the coin flip game with you assholes ever again. I don’t care if it makes me a sore loser...”
“You did drink more than usual last night,” Sizhui said, as if that made Jingyi’s head pound any less. “You should feel better soon, at least.”
“Existence is agony,” Lan Jingyi whined, closing his eyes and rolling his head so that his forehead rested on the wood. “Each breath is a curse.”
“Have you seen Young Master Jiang yet?” Lan Sizhui asked.
“No... I rolled out of bed and dragged my ass right here,” Jingyi sighed, leaning into the gentle fingers still carefully untangling his hair. “That feels nice...”
“You’d be helpless without us.” Jin Ling huffed but Jingyi didn’t notice how the younger man and Lan Sizhui exchanged a loaded look.
“How much do you remember from last night?” Sizhui asked carefully. Lan Jingyi took several deep breaths to keep the contents of his stomach in place before answering.
“Uh... we played that gods accursed game,” He mumbled into the table. “Wanyin and I got caught up talking on the way to the teahouse. I remember being cold then warm then cold again and... and I think I was teasing him? I don’t remember what I said though... then we went to the teahouse and Jin Ling tried to ruin my reputation again. The last thing I remember is... Wanyin offering to carry me on his back. It was nice... he was so strong and warm. It made my head spin.”
“But nothing after that?”
“Oh fuck me...” Jingyi lifted his head just high enough to give himself some momentum to slam it down on the table hard. The impact made his ears ring but it wasn’t enough to erase the sudden guilt he was feeling. “I did something stupid, didn’t I? Fuck... FUCK!”
He shot upright only to immediately double over, his hands grasping his stomach as he gagged a little. After a few more deep breaths he was finally able to sit up and look at his friends properly. Given the way they were glancing at once another, he knew he did something more than stupid.
“Jingyi-”
“What did I do?” He moaned pathetically. “Oh gods above, what did I ruin this time? Did- did Wanyin see me? Shit! He’s going to hate me now! I’m so fucking annoying when I’m drunk... especially after I pass out! He’s never going to want to talk to me again! I should run off into the forest and lay down and die and let some animal eat my body-”
“Jingyi... I don’t think Young Master Jiang could ever hate you,” Lan Sizhui began softly, unable to help the wince at how casually Jingyi spoke of dying. “You did run off though... we all split up to find you. Young Master Jiang was the one who found you and brought you back to our room.”
“Kill me now...”
“We need to talk,” Sizhui hated how Jingyi flinched. “Not now, but when you’re feeling better, okay? Young Master Jiang said that you said some... concerning things. We love you, A-Yi, and we want to make sure you’re happy and safe, yeah?”
“Okay... I’m sorry for the trouble I know I caused,” Lan Jingyi sounded close to tears. “It seems all I ever do is cause you problems...”
“You don’t cause problems for us,” Jin Ling defended Jingyi from himself. “Any trouble we find ourselves in is the product of all of us combined.”
“Lan Jingyi,” A voice called, making the man in question whine and curl in on himself more. Jingyi knew that voice and he wanted to make himself small enough that Wanyin would never be able to find him again. “How... how are you feeling?”
“Like shit,” He grumbled. “Being run through might feel more pleasurable than this.”
“You’re so dramatic,” Wanyin huffed as he sat beside Jingyi. No one missed the fondness in his voice as he tugged the older man closer. “Here, can I try something?”
“Anything to make it stop...” Jingyi went easily, curling into Wanyin’s lap as if it was something he had done hundreds of times before. Wanyin’s ears burned but he didn’t let it show in his face as he placed a hand on Jingyi’s back. He sent a controlled stream of spiritual energy into Jingyi’s body, trying to focus on sending it towards his stomach and head.
“Does... does that work?” Jin Ling’s eyes widened when he realized what his Uncle was doing.
“It won’t magically fix him but it’ll help,” He hummed, his free hand coming up to card through Jingyi’s bangs. “People don’t think to use spiritual energy for shit like this but it does relieve the symptoms of a hangover.”
“Can spiritual energy be used for other things?” Lan Sizhui asked eagerly. “We’ve only ever been taught to use it for physical wounds or to restore another’s own spiritual energy.”
“It can help with nightmares,” Wanyin answered, eyes still focused on Jingyi’s face. The older man’s brows were furrowed but he didn’t look green anymore. Jingyi nuzzled into his lap more, sighing happily when Wanyin began to scratch gently at his scalp. “Mental ailments are as much a part of the body as physical ones. Again, it won’t fix everything but it can soothe someone who’s having trouble sleeping or is freaking out.”
“Last night-”
“I couldn’t use my energy,” He whispered. He wasn’t sure if Jingyi was paying attention but part of him didn’t want the older man to hear this. “The party giving the energy has to be calm enough to contain and control the flow of it but I was... a little heated.”
“Gods, Wanyin,” Jingyi sighed, his face less pinched. “You’re a lifesaver... if I could pledge myself to you for this I would.”
“You don’t have to go that far,” Wanyin rolled his eyes. Sizhui’s eyes widened when he noticed the younger man’s ears burning. “Consider it a preemptive apology.”
“Apology for what?” Jingyi sounded miserable as he cracked open a single eye.
“Lan Wangji caught me on my way here. He wants to go to the back woods as soon as we’re able to walk upright.”
“Nooo...” Jingyi whimpered, hiding his face again. After a beat he sighed. “Okay... I suppose I can get myself together for something so important.”
“If you’re not feeling well-”
“It’s fine,” He sighed again before sitting up. Wanyin let his hands drop, trying to pretend that he didn’t feel disappointment but before he could lament the loss Jingyi leaned back into his side. He was clearly still not feeling ideal, but letting Wanyin hold him up and rest his head on the younger man’s shoulder seemed to aid in his ailment. “I’m just being dramatic...”
“I think you’ve earned the right to be a little dramatic this morning,” Wanyin hummed, feeling his blush spread from his ears to the back of his neck. He had told himself he would act normal when he saw Jingyi again but he couldn’t help but recall how hot Jingyi’s mouth had been on his, and how Jingyi had bit his lip so harshly that it made his blood boil. “Wei Wuxian was still sleeping when I left so I doubt either he nor his stupid husband will be ready to go any time soon.”
“How do you know Uncle is still asleep?” Jin Ling furrowed his brows.
“Um...” Wanyin flushed, unable to meet his nephew’s eyes. “He... he stayed in my chambers last night. He found me on my way back and we, uh, talked for a while. By the time we were done it was too late for him to go back to his own room.”
“That’s good,” Jingyi yawned. “I know Senior Wei’s been wanting to talk to you for a while... I’m glad you got a chance to-to do that.”
He yawned again and it seemed as though that was the end of his dear friend’s goodwill, for Jin Ling reached forward and stuck his finger in Jingyi’s mouth. He lurched forward and gagged, slapping a hand over his mouth as he glared daggers at the young sect leader, who was cackling loudly.
“I hate you,” Jingyi glowered, the green tinge that had just faded from his face coming back with a vengeance. “We’re no longer friends.”
“Would you like to bathe?” Jiang Wanyin asked, trying his best not to laugh because that was exactly the type of thing he would do to a hungover Wei Wuxian but he didn’t want his laughter to shake poor Jingyi too much.
“That sounds amazing, actually,” Lan Jingyi looked up at him from where he was resting his cheek on Wanyin’s shoulder. Wanyin felt the world around him fall away as Jingyi smiled, his eyes turning into crescents, the shine in them doing something unspeakable to his stomach. “How hot can we make the water? This one would like to become a nice soup.”
“As hot as you want,” He choked out. His mind was racing with images that he was desperately trying to banish before they could fully form. “Not hot enough to hurt you though.”
“You’re so good to me,” Jingyi hummed happily. “Come on, I’m not very hungry right now but a bath might actually cure me.”
“I’ll have something sent for you to eat after your bath then.” Wanyin promised.
“Young Master Jiang, can I speak to you for a moment?” Lan Sizhui asked, a polite smile aimed at the other man. A few days ago Wanyin might have taken it at face value but now he knew better. That was a dangerous smile.
“Let me get Jingyi settled first,” He stamped down the uneasy feeling brewing in his stomach. “Come on, you have to stand up if you want to bathe.”
Lan Jingyi whined but did as he was told, stamping his foot like a child throwing a tantrum but somehow it didn’t make Wanyin annoyed. If anything, it was endearing. He led the older man out of the dining hall and found the closest servant, giving her quick orders to draw a hot bath and have it brought to Jingyi’s room before walking the man in question to his room. He went to leave but Jingyi had other ideas.
“Don’t go,” Lan Jingyi wrapped his arms around Wanyin’s waist, making the younger man freeze. He wished there was some way he could lighten the mood so he said the first thing that came to mind He hoped it would be enough to at least make Wanyin chuckle. “Bathe with me.”
“Wh-wh-what are you even saying!?” He spluttered, tensing but not moving away from the sudden embrace.
“You’re right,” Jingyi visibly deflated. “There’s no way the tub could be big enough for us both.”
“Jingyi... do you remember what happened last night?” He heard himself asking. He wished he could have taken it back the second the words left his lips.
“Sizhui already implied I did something embarrassing,” Lan Jingyi dropped his arms in favor of wrapping them around his own waist. He looked so small, and the way he curled his shoulders up close to his ears only served to make him look sadder. “I’m sorry... I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry. It was probably annoying and embarrassing... please forgive this one!”
He bowed his head and Wanyin panicked. He never wanted to see Lan Jingyi bow to him again, especially not for something like this. He quickly put a hand on Jingyi’s arm, gesturing for him to stand.
“You’re fine,” He promised, unable to meet Jingyi’s eye. “You... didn’t do anything bad.”
“I know you’re lying to protect my reputation,” Jingyi muttered. “But thank you... I’ll try to make it up to you.”
“You don’t have to do that-”
“But I want to,” Jingyi’s expression was just a little too open for Wanyin’s liking. “One day I’ll make it up to you.”
“Just-just go bathe!” Wanyin snapped, turning abruptly on his heel. “You stink.”
“I do?” Jingyi sounded distraught but Wanyin didn’t stick around to confirm or deny the claim. He stalked away, not sure if what he was walking to was going to be better or worse. He didn’t like the look on Sizhui’s face when he asked to talk, especially after the events of the night before.
“I didn’t expect you back so soon,” Lan Sizhui hummed when he saw Wanyin approaching. Jin Ling was standing with his arms crossed, suddenly looking at his Uncle with a suspicious expression. “Shall we go for a walk?”
“All three of us?” Jiang Wanyin knew a conversation with Sizhui would be uncomfortable. A conversation with both Sizhui and his nephew would be tortuous.
“I think Jin Ling will be interested in what we’re to speak of.” Lan Sizhui smiled as he turned and began walking down the pier towards the lakes. Jiang Wanyin followed, anticipation lighting his nerves on fire. The longer they walked without speaking, the closer he felt to throwing up.
“Young Master Jiang...” Lan Sizhui finally said, making the man in question jump at suddenly being addressed. “First, I wished to thank you again for finding Jingyi and bringing him back last night. Unfortunately that wasn’t the first time he stormed out after drinking but it never gets easier.”
“Of course,” He said, trying to hide the edge of his voice. He felt like a child who knew he was about to be scolded and was just waiting for the disappointment to come. “He’s important to me. I don’t want anything to happen to him.”
“That being said, Jin Ling and I both know how he can be when he’s drunk,” Sizhui continued as if Wanyin hadn’t said anything. “And given how you were acting, I fear something might have conspired between you two.”
“That’s-” Wanyin felt his face drain of all color. How? How did Sizhui know?
“Young Master Jiang...” Lan Sizhui trailed off, leveling a careful look at the younger man - one that lasted long enough to make Wanyin squirm in place. Just as he was about to beg Sizhui to keep speaking because the silence was making his skin crawl, Sizhui did the last thing Wanyin ever expected.
Dropping into a bow from the waist, Lan Sizhui clasped his hand out in front of him. After a beat, Jin Ling did the same. Wanyin spluttered, wondering why everyone was suddenly bowing to him that morning.
“What are you doing?” He hissed, trying to get the other two men to stand but they were resolute in their actions.
“Jingyi is our dearest friend and we would do anything for him,” Sizhui said, head still down in his bow. “That being said, we’re more than aware that he can... be intense with his emotions at times. I know he doesn’t remember what happened, but we wanted to apologize on his behalf for whatever he did to you.”
“Please stand up,” He all but begged. “He-he didn’t do anything bad, I promise!”
“You seemed uneasy this morning,” Jin Ling stood from his bow but kept his eyes on his boots. “But-but we swear on our clans that he would never do something to purposely hurt someone he cares about!”
“I just-” Wanyin closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know what to do now.”
“If you tell him what he did, he will be eager to apologize as well-”
“I don’t want him to apologize for it!” Wanyin said abruptly, making both Sizhui and Jin Ling blink at him with matching looks of pure shock. He flushed when he realized what he said but refused to backtrack. “I... I don’t want him to regret what he did.”
“What did he do?” Jin Ling growled, but it was clear he wasn’t angry at Wanyin.
“He...” He flushed even hotter, somehow too embarrassed to speak the words aloud.
“Did he... push you to do something?” Lan Sizhui offered, his eyes guarded.
“In a sense...” He trailed off, closing his eyes as if it could stop his blush from giving him away.
“Was it unwanted?”
“Wei Wuxian asked me the same thing,” Wanyin sighed, crossing his arms. “No, it wasn’t... unwanted. What I didn’t want was for him to regret it, but that was before I knew he wouldn’t even remember it.”
“Whatever he did... you’re not planning on telling him about it, are you?” Sizhui frowned slightly.
“If there’s a chance the knowledge might upset him, I’m willing to keep it to myself.”
“So what did he do?” Jin Ling couldn’t help but ask. Wanyin looked away, his hand unconsciously coming up to touch his lips. Before he could even say anything, it seemed the other two cultivators were able to piece it together.
“Jingyi-” Sizhui’s eyes widened.
“He kissed you!?” Jin Ling gasped loudly. Wanyin flushed and rushed forward, slapping his hand over his nephew’s mouth before he could even process what he was doing.
“Can you not shout it to the heavens?” He hissed, feeling feverish from how hard his blush was glowing. It was as if he was drunk again from how his head was spinning so violently all of a sudden.
“But that would have been his first kiss!” Jin Ling said the moment his Uncle removed his hand. Jiang Wanyin felt the flush leave his face so abruptly that he thought he might pass out.
“What?” He whispered in horror.
“You didn’t know?” Sizhui asked, as if it were supposed to be the most obvious thing in the world. Wanyin gaped at him, waving his hands in the air as if he actually had words to say.
“How could I have known!?” He shot back. “He’s twenty six! I always assumed I would have had my first kiss by then too!”
“Wait... Uncle, is there a chance that...” Jin Ling trailed off, looking horrified by whatever he was thinking. Wanyin surged forward again but this time he was too late to stop his nephew from saying the horrid words. “Was that your first kiss too?”
“Stop...” Wanyin steamed, covering his face with his hands.
“Uncle, you have to tell him!” Jin Ling cried, rushing forward and grabbing Wanyin’s sleeve. “This doesn’t just affect him! It’s not fair to you to have to hide this.”
“Like I said,” He gently shook his nephew from his sleeve as he looked away. He suddenly felt so very tired. “If telling him has even the slightest chance of upsetting him, I’ll take this to my grave. If it’s better, he should just think he didn’t give his first kiss away in a drunk stupor...”
“Young Master Jiang...” Lan Sizhui frowned fully, looking like he wanted to say something more.
“I just-” He sighed, calming the hammering of his heart. He refused to acknowledge how it ached. “I just want what’s best for him. He... he means so much to me. The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt him. I don’t care if it ends up hurting me instead.”
“That’s too much, don’t you think?” Sizhui murmured, looking down. “Jingyi isn’t the type to just go around kissing anyone. If he did that, even if he were drunk, there would have to be some sort of feelings there to begin with.”
“He can’t have feelings,” Wanyin said abruptly. He suddenly wanted to be traversing through the woods with Lan Wangji rather than continuing this conversation. “Not for me... he’s the Lan sect heir and-and I’m not going to be eighteen forever. Wei Wuxian is working towards getting this curse broken. Besides... even if we don’t break this curse, there’s no way I could be what he needs.”
“This was never part of the plan.” Jin Ling bemoaned, resting his forehead against Sizhui’s shoulder.
“What plan?” Wanyin snapped. “This is the third time you assholes have mentioned a plan and I’m getting sick of not knowing what the fuck is going on.”
“That’s...” Jin Ling flushed, looking up at the sky as if it had the answers he needed.
“Cats out of the bag, it seems,” Lan Sizhui sighed. He turned back to Wanyin and bowed again. “We apologize, Young Master Jiang. We came to Lotus Pier on a mission, before we knew of the curse.”
“What kind of mission?”
“We-we were going to try to find out what you’re looking for in a partner,” Jin Ling muttered, looking as though he was being scolded. “We just- you’ve been so isolated recently and you’ve tried so hard to keep anyone from noticing but of course I noticed! You’re my Uncle!”
“We were worried about you, Young Master Jiang,” Lan Sizhui continued. “And since you’ve been blacklisted by every matchmaker from Yilling to GusuLan, we were... well, we were hoping to be able to find someone who might be a match for you on our own.”
“That’s-” Wanyin blinked, beyond surprised by the admission. “That’s actually really sweet... You were really going to go to such lengths for me?”
“Of course!” Jin Ling cried. “You’re my Uncle and you were hurting! Of course we’re going to try to help you!”
“But now things are a little more complicated,” Sizhui bit his lip in thought. “I know Jingyi never meant to fall in love-”
“Who said anything about love?” Jiang Wanyin spluttered, suddenly wishing the ground beneath his feet would open up and swallow him whole.
“Lans don’t feel their emotions lightly,” Sizhui looked directly in Wanyin’s eyes, his face serious as death. “That’s why there are so many rules for regulating them. If Jingyi has feelings for you, they aren’t causal ones.”
“He can’t though,” His throat stung painfully. “His sect needs him... even if he doesn’t think he’s worthy of being an heir, I can’t just- just take him away from his destiny.”
“Who said anything about taking him away?”
“Even if I can’t break the curse, I can’t leave Yunmeng,” The words tasted like ash on his tongue. “I have to be Sect Leader whether I’m prepared for it or not. He is a direct descendant of the Lan Clan - the last one. He’s an heir. He can’t be away from the Cloud Recesses... It would be cruel of me to make him choose, so even if it makes me the villain I’m going to have to make that decision for him.”
“You can’t-” Jin Ling tried to fight it but Wanyin held up a hand.
“Drop it, Jin Ling,” His voice was heavy. He knew that heaviness was visible in his eyes and the line of his shoulders. “I won’t be swayed.”
“But-”
“Wanyin? I was told you came this way,” Lan Jingyi’s voice called. “Senior Wei is ready to go.”
“Young Master Jiang,” Sizhui caught his wrist. Wanyin hesitated before glancing over at the older man. He hadn’t even realized he had begun to move towards the voice calling for him. “Please, don’t make any decisions yet.”
“I’m sorry, Sizhui,” He shook the other man’s hand from his wrist. “The decision has already been made.”
Walking away, he could sense how the two wanted to follow but before they could Jingyi came into view. He was back in his GusuLan robes and the sight made Wanyin want to scowl but he thankfully managed to refrain. His hair was up in its usual ponytail, his ribbon sitting proudly on his brow.
“Jingyi,” He smiled as the older man rushed up to him, excited as a puppy. “You look better.”
“I feel better!” Jingyi grinned as he fell into step beside Wanyin as they made their way back towards where Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji were waiting for them. “You’re a genius, by the way. That bath was absolutely perfect.”
“I’m glad,” Wanyin hated how hard it was to look at Lan Jingyi now. “Hopefully we won’t be too long in the woods so we can make it back for dinner with Sizhui and Jin Ling. Be glad that Wei Wuxian isn’t allowed in the kitchens. I’m sure he’d love to cook for you but it would probably kill you.”
“It almost did,” Jingyi gave a dramatic shiver and grinned at how Wanyin snorted. His bath had been fantastic, but it wasn’t nearly as relaxing as he was pretending it was. The entire time he was soaking, he was desperately trying to wrack his brain for any semblance of a memory from the night before yet he kept coming up blank. Something must have happened, given the way everyone was acting, but he couldn’t help but notice how Wanyin seemed unable to hold his gaze for more than a beat before he quickly looked away. It soured his stomach knowing he must have done something that upset Jiang Wanyin. “When Senior Wei first came back, before we knew he was Senior Wei, we got caught up in some trouble. A few of us got corpse poisoning when we accidentally breathed in this powder. We were all freaking out but Senior Wei had the genius idea of making extra spicy congee.”
“Gods above...” Wanyin paled. He had been on the receiving end of Wei Wuxian’s cooking and even he could barely handle it.
“He said that the congee itself would absorb the poison and the spice would make us sweat out what was left,” Lan Jingyi also looked pale at the memory. “It worked, but I couldn’t eat anything without my tongue hurting for days afterwards.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from Wei Wuxian’s cooking.” Wanyin said without thinking.
“My hero~” Jingyi grabbed Wanyin’s sleeve. Unlike with Sizhui and Jin Ling, Wanyin couldn’t bring himself to shake Jingyi off so they continued the rest of the way with the older man pulling on his robes.
Lan Jingyi wanted to say something but it was as if his words had been locked deep inside of him. It was clear Wanyin was trying to pretend everything was fine, but in doing so he was giving away that everything was, in fact, not fine. He let Jingyi cling to his sleeve but purposely made sure not to let their shoulders bump. He chuckled at Jingyi’s stories but wouldn’t look at him. When Jingyi tripped a little, Wanyin caught him but didn’t touch him for even a second longer than he needed to.
He laughed, trying to pretend he wasn’t about to cry. When he first spoke to the cursed sect leader, he had wanted to cry because he though he must have ruined everything because he said the wrong thing. Looking back, he felt like an idiot because that wasn’t enough to ruin everything.
Whatever he did while drunk, though... that was clearly more than enough.
“Ah, there you are!” Wei Wuxian called, waving his arm high above his head when he saw the two men approaching. “All set?”
“Mhm, let’s see what we can find.” Wanyin’s smile seemed to relax a little when he saw his brother. The sight felt like an arrow through Jingyi’s heart - on one hand, he was thrilled that Senior Wei managed to make up with his brother! On the other, seeing the way Wanyin’s smile softened just proved that the younger man hadn’t been relaxed with Jingyi.
“Lan Zhan is the best at Inquiry,” Wei Wuxian began to ramble as they went over to where Lan Wangji was calmly waiting for them, his guqin wrapped on his back. He hummed and nodded in a greeting, his mouth quirking up the faintest bit when Jingyi bowed back eagerly. “If we can find even one spirit in the woods that saw something the night Jiang Cheng was cursed, we’ll finally have a lead!”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” Wanyin chuckled at his brother’s enthusiasm. “It’s a long shot, for sure, but there’s a chance we might find something.”
“Are you that eager to be old again?” Wei Wuxian teased, poking Wanyin’s cheek. The younger man scowled, swatting his hand away as if he were nothing more than a pesky bug that wouldn’t stop buzzing in his ear.
“You tell me,” Wanyin shot back. “How is it, being old?”
“Lan Zhan! He’s being cruel to me...” Wei Wuxian whined, clinging tightly to his husband’s arm and swinging from it, fully well knowing Lan Wangji would never let him fall.
“There’s both good and bad things to aging,” Wangji said softly. “But no matter what we truly wish, aging is inevitable. It’s up to the individual to do so gracefully.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard him say so much at once,” Wanyin raised his eyebrows as they exited Lotus Pier through the back and began down the path towards the woods.
“He’s been opening up more,” Lan Jingyi agreed. He remained walking close to Wanyin but he didn’t grab onto the younger man’s sleeve anymore. “When I was a child, he would only speak in short, concise sentences. He always planned his words carefully... Senior Wei has done wonders in getting him to speak his mind more.”
“Gossip is forbidden.” Hanguang-Jun said, not looking back from the path ahead.
“Now, now, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuixan chuckled. “You can’t fool us anymore! We all know you quote that rule when you’re embarrassed.”
“Not true.” Hanguang-Jun said, tone bordering on cold to anyone else but Wei Wuxian and Lan Jingyi were both familiar enough with his methods of deflection, and even if they weren’t the way the older man’s ears were suddenly bright red would have been enough to give him away.
“How far should we go?” Wei Wuxian turned to Jiang Wanyin.
“Even if I was upset I probably wouldn’t go too far into the woods,” He answered as he looked around. Everything looked both the same and different. Trees that he used to climb were so much taller and paths he would traverse down were overgrown. There were new footpaths trampled into the underbrush and damage done to the trunks around him he didn’t recognize. This was just another example of how things could never be how he remembered them to be. “I’d most likely go to the clearing.”
“Of course!” Wei Wuxian smacked his forehead. “How could I have forgotten about the clearing? We used to go back there all the time.”
“He forgot?” Wanyin whispered, more to himself than to anyone in particular but only Lan Jingyi was close enough to hear.
“Senior Wei’s memory isn’t the best,” He hummed, stepping closer. He made sure they didn’t touch, but if he focused he could almost trick himself into feeling Wanyin’s body heat through his thick robes. “Thankfully it doesn’t happen as much anymore, but when he first came back to the Cloud Recesses there were several times where he didn’t remember where he was... he’d think he was back at the Burial Mounds, or at the Nightless City. We think his mind did the same thing that Sizhui’s did, when he was a child. It hid a lot of his memories to protect him.”
“I see...”
“It was hard for him to write out his perspective on things too,” He continued, watching his Senior as he giggled and hung off his husband’s arm. Wei Wuxian’s face was bright and full of love, but Jingyi distinctly remembered how gaunt and scared Senior Wei looked more often than not when he first made the Cloud Recesses his permanent home. “It took several months for him to be able to confidently remember certain things.”
Lan Jingyi glanced at the younger boy but he wasn’t able to read Wanyin’s expression at all. It was cloudy, but he couldn’t tell if it was from anger, or concern, or something else. He thought he had started to learn how to read Jiang Wanyin, but this was making him realize he might not know the other man as well as he thought he did.
“This is it,” Senior Wei’s voice broke Jingyi from his thoughts. The path opened up into a clearing, just as Wanyin had said. The clearing was overgrown but it was clear it was once well loved. There was a circle of tree stumps that had been cut and rolled over to a long cold fire pit to be used as stools. “It’s barely changed.”
Jingyi risked a glance at Wanyin and felt his brow pinch with worry. Wanyin was looking around the clearing, his eyes wide and mouth gently parted. It was clear that even if Senior Wei thought the clearing was mostly untouched, Wanyin believed differently.
Without a word, Hanguang-Jun sat on one of the stumps and pulled his guqin from his back, unwrapping it in one fluid motion. Jingyi followed suit, pulling his dizi from his sleeve and sitting on a stump beside his senior.
Hanguang-Jun began the first few notes of Inquiry and Jingyi quickly chimed in. He wasn’t nearly as skilled, but more cultivators to add to the melody meant a stronger connection to the spirits. On his own, Jingyi would have been able to get fragments from the spirit he was trying to communicate with, but with Hanguang-Jun there, they should be able to hear full sentences.
“Has anyone here seen Sect Leader Jiang recently?” Hanguang-Jun asked aloud as he played. Jingyi listened closely, his fingers easily remembering the notes even without him needing to think about it.
Yes
A disembodied voice sang along with the notes. Lan Jingyi flinched a little, as he always did when he heard Inquiry. He wasn’t the most fond of ghosts, but the fact that he couldn’t see the spirit was the only thing keeping him from panicking.
“When?”
Three days and four night ago
“What was he doing?”
He was crying. We were... scared.
“Why were you scared?”
“What are they talking about?” Wanyin hissed to Wei Wuxian. When a third voice joined the music, he almost jumped back. He couldn’t quite tell what sort of instrument it was trying to imitate, but it was hauntingly beautiful.
“It’s always unnerving to hear their one-sided conversations,” His brother frowned. “I’ve started learning Inquiry so I can almost piece together what the spirit is saying but what I do understand... doesn’t really make sense.”
We’ve watch him grow from a small child into a strong man, but he’s not as strong as he wants the living to believe
“What happened that night?”
He was distraught. We thought...
“What did you think?”
We thought he was going to join us
Jingyi almost dropped his dizi. His eyes flew open and he desperately searched for Wanyin, who was watching him with concern clear as day on his face. He heard Hanguang-Jun clear his throat and he brought the flute back to his lips and rejoined the song, but he couldn’t bear to look away from Wanyin.
“What do you mean by that?” Hanguang-Jun asked, his lithe fingers moving across the guqin strings like mist over water.
He had his sword to his throat. We panicked and did the only thing we could think to do
“What happened next?”
We went to find her
Jingyi’s hands were shaking so hard the notes from his dizi were trembling. He could feel how wet his breath was as tears rolled down his cheeks and when his eyes met Wanyin’s, he saw how Senior Wei was physically restraining him.
“Who did you find?”
A forgotten goddess who lives deep in the woods. She has little power now, but she wanted to help
“What did she do?”
She saved him
“How?”
He was begging for the pain to stop. She removed the part of him that was hurting him so much
“Removed what?”
The memories. The scars. The pain. She saved him
“So it was never a curse?”
No... a blessing
“Can we remove it?”
We cannot let you do that
“Why?”
Because he’ll place his blade to his throat once more if he regains his years
Jingyi couldn’t do it anymore. Dropping his dizi to the forest floor, he curled in on himself, his soft keening creating a disjointed harmony with the last chords of Inquiry.
“Jingyi!” Wanyin broke free of Wei Wuxian’s grip and raced forward, all but tackling Jingyi from his spot on the stump. He held the older man as close as he could, but somehow it wasn’t enough. Jingyi sobbed near silently, Wanyin’s robes instantly soaking up the tears until the fabric couldn’t hold any more. He could feel the tears running down his skin under his robes but he never once thought about letting go. He had heard Jingyi cry loudly, but somehow this silent sobbing scared him even more.
“What did it say?” Wei Wuxian rushed forward when Lan Wangji slammed his hand down on the guqin, stopping Inquiry.
“It’s best to... discuss this somewhere private,” he murmured, hurriedly wrapping his guqin and placing it on his back. Wei Wuxian only frowned more when he noticed how pale his husband was. Jingyi was shaking, still clinging to Wanyin as if the younger man would vanish into thin air if he let go. “Jingyi, we should go.”
“No... no!” Jingyi whispered, his grip on the front of Wanyin’s robes so strong the sound of snapping threads filled the clearing. “No, no, no, nonononono-”
“Jingyi, it’s alright-” Wei Wuxian put a hand on the younger man’s shoulder only to rip it back when Jingyi flinched away violently. Wei Wuxian’s heart dropped when he saw the young Lan’s eyes wide open but completely unseeing, his quiet cries being replaced with inaudible murmurs.
“Hey,” Wanyin whispered, rocking Jingyi gently. “Hey it’s okay... I’m right here, yeah? I’m not going anywhere. Nothing bad is going to happen to me-”
“It will!” He pulled away, looking at Wanyin with such a broken expression the younger man felt bile touch the back of his tongue. Jingyi was a mess, his eyes bloodshot and his cheeks flushed with tears. His hands shook desperately as he tugged on the front of Wanyin’s robes. “You don’t- something awful will happen! I-I can’t- I can’t lose you-”
“A-Yi,” Wei Wuxian cooed softly, rubbing a hand along Jingyi’s spine. “A-Yi, little one... it’s going to be okay. We’re not going to let anything bad happen to Jiang Cheng. You trust your seniors, don’t you? Do you think Hanguang-Jun would let anything happen to him? Do you think I would allow anything bad to befall my beloved baby brother?”
“S-S-Senior Wei...” Jingyi’s voice trembled violently and tears continued to fall, but he didn’t seem to be gasping for air which was a good sign.
“Let’s go back to Lotus Pier,” Senior Wei continued, his words gentle and rounded, as if speaking to an injured animal. “I bet some tea sounds good, doesn’t it? And we can get some sweets too, yeah? You don’t have to leave Jiang Cheng’s side either. You can stay right there with him the whole time.”
Jingyi whimpered and nodded, clinging to Wanyin’s arm so tightly the younger man was already beginning to lose feeling in his fingers but he didn’t dare do anything that might read as trying to push Jingyi away.
“Your robes are all dirty now,” Wanyin hummed, helping Jingyi to his feet. He could feel how he was trembling as if he were in the middle of a blizzard despite the warmth of Yunmeng permeating the air. “We can stop by my chambers and get you changed into something clean. I know how much you liked my robes before. I’ll let you borrow a set...”
“...Okay...”
“Come on,” Wanyin didn’t have a single clue what Jingyi could have heard from the spirit to make him break so suddenly but that wasn’t something he could focus on. He needed to make Jingyi his priority until he was sure the older man was safe and calm again before he could even think about focusing on the situation at hand. Not knowing what else to do, he scooped Jingyi into his arms, letting him wrap his arms around his neck as he cradled him carefully against his chest. “I have you, A-Yi. You’re safe.”
Jingyi nodded against his shoulder, but the sensation of tears rolling down his throat didn’t stop.
Notes:
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone reading! I know this isn't one of my most popular pics but I'm honestly having so much fun writing it and it makes me so happy that others are giving it a chance! I know it's a strange pairing but I promise it'll be worth it in the end 🥰🥰🥰
Chapter Text
“You should eat something.” Wei Wuxian coaxed gently. Lan Jingyi stared blankly at the plate before him, eyes open but unseeing. Jiang Wanyin frowned, trying to sit a little closer but it didn’t seem that Jingyi even noticed.
“What did the spirit say?” He asked Lan Wangji, who had been silently sipping his tea for the last several minutes. Lan Wangji placed his cup down but didn’t look up from his hands. To an outsider, he would have seemed as put together as always, but given the way his husband had been fretting over him Wanyin was able to piece together that even Wangji was shaken.
“The spirit had seen Sect Leader Jiang three days and four nights ago,” He said softly, hands folded in his lap. Wanyin nodded - the timeline seemed accurate. Whatever happened to him occurred the night before everyone stormed Lotus Pier. “They told us that they found a forgotten goddess deep in the woods.”
“A forgotten goddess?” Wei Wuxian frowned. “I know my memory isn’t the best but I’ve never heard of a goddess anywhere near here.”
“I haven’t either,” Jiang Wanyin mirrored his brother’s frown. He glanced at Jingyi, who had finally reached forward and lifted his cup of tea. He didn’t drink it yet, but he held it close to his mouth to feel the steam on his lips. “She must be extremely forgotten if I’ve never heard of her. I’ll go to the library after this to look into it more.”
“But... Why did the spirit need to find this forgotten goddess?” Wei Wuxian sat beside his husband and refilled Lan Wangji’s cup.
“Sect Leader Jiang...” Lan Wangji trailed off, causing the tension in the air to double, weighing down everyone’s shoulders. Wanyin felt his stomach sour, dreading whatever was to come from the older man’s mouth next. In an attempt to calm himself, he grabbed his own cup and took a sip of his tea. It was hot and sweet, thanks to the extra sugar Wei Wuxian had dumped in it. He sighed, the warmth from the tea instantly relaxing his shoulders a hair. “Sect Leader Jiang had been about to take his own life. The spirit believed the goddess had the ability to help him.”
“Wh-” Wanyin dropped his cup, the porcelain shattering on the floor at his knees. Jingyi slapped a hand over his mouth, silent tears running down his cheeks as he fought to keep himself quiet.
Hearing the spirit say it was one thing. Hearing the tangible words coming from Hanguang-Jun’s mouth somehow hurt so much more. Jingyi was no stranger to wondering what the world would be like if he was no longer in it. He had mused how different the lives of the people he cared for would be if he had never been born, or if he went off on a night hunt and never returned.
It was something that frightened him as much as it comforted him, and he knew it scared Sizhui and Jin Ling but he couldn’t help it.
It had been a constant thought that followed him for as long as he could remember. He had been too young to realize the implications of the concept the first time it crossed his mind. He had been too young to understand how serious it was for someone to think ‘would people be happier if I wasn’t here anymore?’. He didn’t even have a full golden core before he was yearning for the ability to remove himself from others' lives to make it better for them.
Despite all of this, Lan Jingyi had never tried to go through with it. As much as the thought haunted him, he was too scared - of messing up, of hurting his friends... he wasn’t entirely sure what he was scared of, but he could never actually take his own life.
To hear that Sandu-Shengshou was desperate to bring his blade to his own throat was unfathomable. Someone as unbendable and untouchable as Sect Leader Jiang felt broken enough to take his own spiritual weapon and place it against his pulse point, ready to spill his own blood on a blade that had saved so many people? It was tortuous to even consider but it wasn’t something Jingyi had to consider because it had happened. It wasn’t a consideration, but a fact.
“The spirit said that Sect Leader Jiang wanted to take away his pain, and the forgotten goddess did just that,” Hanguang-Jun continued, breaking Jingyi from his mental spiral. “It was never a curse, but a blessing to save his life, the spirit said.”
“A blessing?” Wanyin spat the words out. “How could this be a blessing?”
“Th-the spirit said that-that the goddess took what caused you the pain,” Jingyi tried his best to stifle his tears. “She decided that-that it was your scars, and your memories... so she took the years that hurt you so badly away from you.”
“What?” Wanyin felt the room spinning.
“The spirit also said... they would not remove the ‘blessing’ in fear that having those years returned would result in Sect Leader Jiang replacing his blade to his throat once again.”
“I used Sandu?” Wanyin felt the ground below his shift. “Wait- if this goddess ‘took’ the years from me, does that mean she still has them?”
“You can’t-” Jingyi’s head shot up as he grasped at Jiang Wanyin’s sleeve. “Please, you can’t! If you get those years back, you might-”
He cut himself off, his face twisting in agony. Jiang Wanyin didn’t think before reaching out and cupping Jingyi’s damp cheek. The older man didn’t hesitate to push into the touch further, his sobs getting caught in his chest.
“I’ve only just found you,” Lan Jingyi whispered so quietly that Wanyin wasn’t even sure he heard right. “I can’t lose you now.”
“Jiang Cheng, we can find this goddess and see if she can return those years to you, but you don’t have to accept.” Wei Wuxian’s eyes were dangerously glassy. Jiang Wanyin didn’t think Wei Wuxian had much of a right to be upset because didn’t he do the same thing? Didn’t he choose to willingly end his own life at the Burial Mounds?
No, he shook his head to banish the thought. Of course his brother was distraught. It was clear to him now that Wei Wuxian never stopped loving him. Of course he would be broken at the knowledge that his little brother had attempted to take his own life when he was living happily with his husband in the Cloud Recesses.
“I-I don’t know what to do.” He whispered, hating how helpless he felt.
“We don’t have to make any decisions this very second,” Lan Wangji hummed. “From what the spirit was implying, the goddess does have the last twenty seven years of your life in her possession. As far as I’m aware there’s no record of any deity who has the ability to take years from someone like this, so understanding who she is should take precedence. Allow yourselves the remainder of the day to rest and we can reconvene in the morning to see what we can learn.”
“I understand,” Even if he had a reason to fight it, Wanyin had no fire left in him to do so. He sighed and leaned forward, resting his forehead against Jingyi's, his hand still holding the older man’s cheek. He could feel how Jingyi’s ribbon pressed into the skin of his forehead but found he couldn’t pull away. It struck him, faintly, how he would never have done something so intimate with someone before this but now, when he was scared and confused and hurting, it was the only thing he could think of to bring himself comfort. When had Jingyi wormed his way into Wanyin’s life so thoroughly? “The woods don’t go back too far, so if the spirit said the goddess lives deep in the forest it shouldn’t take more than a day or so to search the land.”
“Hanguang-Jun, I’m coming with you.” Jingyi announced, knocking Wanyin’s hand away in order to stare his senior down. He knew he must look pathetic, his eyes watery and his cheeks flushed from crying, but he refused to back down.
Lan Wangji blinked at him, his expression serene but Jingyi noticed how his eyebrow raised the barest hint - a sign of shock.
“Of course you’ll be helping,” Wei Wuxian said for his husband. “Why wouldn’t you be allowed to help?”
“I-I don’t know,” He curled his shoulders up. “I just... I can’t sit idly when something so important is happening. Besides, I’d do anything for Wanyin.”
“You can’t just say stuff like that.” Wanyin covered his face with both hands. Sizhui words from that morning came floating back to him.
Lans don’t feel their emotions lightly. That’s why there are so many rules for regulating them. If Jingyi has feelings for you, they aren’t casual ones.
“We’ll recrute A-Yuan and A-Ling as well,” Wei Wuxian continued. His tone was gentle but there was something in the way his brows had furrowed slightly that told Wanyin his brother must have seen something in the interaction before him. “More feet on the ground will increase our chances of success.”
“Mhm... Jingyi, come on. Let’s get you changed,” Jiang Wanyin stood, pretending he wasn’t swaying on the spot. “It’ll be a pain to get those stains out of your robes.”
“Lan robes are spelled to not hold onto stains,” Lan Jingyi murmured as he let the younger man hoist him to his feet. “They always wash out... otherwise we’d go through hundreds of sets a year.”
“That’s smart,” He wrapped an arm around Jingyi’s waist to guide him from the room. He could feel eyes watching them leave but he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge them as they turned the corner. “I always wondered how Lan cultivators always looked so put together even after traveling for so long.”
“Wanyin?”
“Mhm?”
“The world would be so much worse without you in it,” Jingyi was no longer crying, his words soft and level. The lack of emotion sent a spark of worry through Wanyin’s blood. “So many people rely on you, and look up to you... losing you would be like losing the sun... so please. Please don’t leave us.”
“I-I won’t,” He didn’t know if he had the ability to make such a promise but he couldn’t stand hearing Jingyi sound so lifeless. “I don’t know why older me would do something so-so rash but I don’t want to leave. I have too much to live for. There’s too much in this world I haven’t had the chance to experience yet.”
“You must have been in so much pain,” Jingyi closed his eyes tightly. Wanyin continued to guide them so the older man didn’t have to worry about where he was putting his feet. “We knew you were isolated, but we-we never realized how bad it was... what if the spirits never found the goddess? What if they had been too late?”
“Jingyi-”
“We would have shown up at Lotus Pier to find chaos,” Lan Jingyi continued, his voice becoming more manic as reality began to set in. “Or worse, no one would have realized you were gone yet. We’d wait around for hours for you only to be informed that you were missing... we would have been waiting for you to return only to be greeted by some disciple shouting about a corpse found in the woods... How long would it have been before someone thought to look back there? How far would we have searched before you were finally found? How much of your body would have remained for funeral rites-”
“Enough!” Wanyin couldn’t listen anymore. Without thinking, he slammed his hands against the nearest wall, Lan Jingyi caught between his hands. Wanyin took a few calming breaths, both to soothe his erratic heartbeat but also to erase the images the older man had painted in his mind - Lotus Pier in chaos. His body, the purple robes stained brown with long dried blood. His corpse, half eaten by animals before it could be found-
He swallowed thickly, as if it could beat back the tears that had been stinging his eyes since Jingyi had broken down in the clearing. Lan Jingyi looked at him, eyes wide and pleading for Wanyin to say something to make things right again.
Letting out a shaking breath, Wanyin let his head fall onto Jingyi’s shoulder.
“It’ll be okay,” He whispered after a moment of silence. “I-I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m not planning on going anywhere.”
“If you can get those years back... will you take them?”
“I don’t know,” He answered honestly. “It-it would be the right thing to do, but if I don’t take them I can be Sect Leader longer, which would be good for Yunmeng. If I don’t, my past will just be second hand history rather than memories to haunt me... on the other hand if I don’t take them back, I’d be forsaking all the lives I lost. As much as it must hurt to carry that with me, it should be my burden to bear. All the people I lost... all I have left of them are my memories of them, and if I don’t take those years back, those memories are gone.”
Jingyi made a sound, as if he was trying to say something, but rather than speaking he simply reached forward and wrapped his arms around Wanyin’s neck, pulling him into a crushing embrace. Wanyin’s hands fell from the wall and returned the embrace, his arms fitting around Jingyi’s waist as if they had been made to hold the other man.
For the first time, Wanyin found himself unable to hold back his tears. Jingyi was so warm in his arms and his heartbeat was somehow so steady against Wanyin’s chest that it broke down the last of his walls.
“It’s okay,” Jingyi whispered, holding him closer. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“Fuck-” He sobbed. He knew he must be hurting Jingyi from how hard he was digging his fingers into the other man’s sides but Jingyi didn’t make any move to make him stop. “I don’t know what to do... what the fuck is happening? Why is this happening to me?”
“I-I don’t know,” Jingyi’s voice wavered. “I don’t know why this is happening but- but you’re not alone, yeah? You don’t have to do any of this alone.”
“Hey! Where did you guys go- what the fuck?” Jin Ling raced up, the mirth in his voice instantly dropping in horror. “Uncle!? Are you okay? What happened?”
“Jin Ling, maybe we should leave them be.” Lan Sizhui sounded troubled.
“If my Uncle is hurt I’m not going to ignore it!” Jin Ling all but shouted.
“I’m not hurt,” Wanyin stepped away from Jingyi’s embrace and he hated how his heart screamed at him for it. “I... we found out why I’m eighteen again.”
“It’s not good, is it?” Jin Ling was looking up at Wanyin even though their height difference was all but nonexistent. His nephew’s eyes shone with unfiltered love and concern and the sight made Wanyin want to cry again.
He must have felt so alone to want to take his own life, but he clearly had so many people who cared about him. How desolate must he have been to leave behind Jin Ling? He read what happened to his sister and the peacock. He heard how Jin Ling was practically raised by Wanyin himself, and he was hurting enough to leave Jin Ling alone? Again? He felt bile stinging his throat.
Surging forward, he gathered his nephew into a crushing embrace. He felt Jin Ling tense and he wondered how many times he had actually hugged the only thing he had left of his beloved sister.
“I’m so sorry, Jin Ling,” He whispered, tears sticking to his lashes. “I’m so fucking sorry... Uncle was so, so fucking selfish.”
“What are you talking about?” Jin Ling broke through his shock to return the embrace, but it was clear he was beginning to panic.
“You aren’t selfish,” Jingyi denied instantly. “You were hurting - that’s not being selfish.”
Wanyin shook his head, not letting go of his precious nephew. It suddenly hit him - if he never got his years back, he’d never know what it was like to raise Jin Ling. He would miss out on Jin Ling’s first steps, the day he formed his core, the day he went on his first night hunt. The day he became Sect Leader. All the small moments, good and bad. All the times his nephew came to him after a nightmare, or all the smiles on his face when he finally hit a bullseye.
But could he go through with it? Now knowing how those memories were what drove him to nearly end his own life? Could he handle the pain that came with having those years returned to him? He felt so selfish for almost leaving Jin Ling behind, but what’s to say he wouldn’t be pushed back to that ledge again?
“A-Yuan,” Wei Wuxian came skidding around the corner. “A-Ling... you should come with me. Lan Zhan and I can fill you in while Jingyi and Jiang Cheng rest.”
“Is it really that bad?” Lan Sizhui glanced at his father.
“It’s... best to be discussed behind closed doors.”
“Alright,” Sizhui nodded in understanding. He went over and placed a hand on Wanyin’s arm, waiting for him to be able to take a step back before tugging on Jin Ling’s sleeve. Jin Ling, to his credit, wasn’t crying. He looked more shocked than anything, but with the way his bottom lip was trembling, it was clear that shock was beginning to wear off. “We’re going to follow Baba, okay? He’s going to fill us in on what happened.”
“But what about Uncle?” Jin Ling asked in a whisper, head whipping around to look for the younger man. Jiang Wanyin wasn’t looking at anyone, his jaw clenched painfully. Jin Ling felt his heart lurch when Lan Jingyi reached forward to grab Wanyin’s sleeve, the younger man’s entire demeanor changing as soon as Jingyi’s attention was on him.
“He’s in good hands,” Wei Wuxian promised. “Lan Zhan asked for more tea to be brought over so it’ll be nice and hot for us.”
“So it’s not just Jingyi?” Jin Ling murmured to Sizhui, who nodded.
“It seems not,” He hummed, his eyes trained on the back of his father’s head. “But will either of them realize it?”
“Who knows... given what Uncle said earlier I doubt he’d say anything, even if it caused him pain.”
“Once everything is settled with... whatever is going on, we’ll sit them down,” Sizhui promised. “We won’t let them dance around it like Baba and Father.”
“I know you’re talking about me,” Wei Wuxian tried to joke, but when the somber expressions on the younger men’s faces didn’t change, he sighed. “All I can say right now is that things will be okay. When you hear what happened it might not feel that way, but I promise it’ll be alright.”
Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui shared a look but neither responded to the cryptic comfort.
“Here,” Jiang Wanyin handed Jingyi a bundle of clothes. “This is one of my favorite sets of robes... they’ll be comfortable.”
“I shouldn’t wear your favorite robes,” Jingyi took the bundle regardless of what his words were trying to convey. “What if I stain them?”
“That’ll be fine,” Wanyin promised. “Clothes are just clothes. I can replace them easily. I’m not worried about that - what I’m worried about is you. You’ve been real quiet...”
“You’re worried about me? After everything?” Lan Jingyi let out a helpless chuckle.
“Of course,” Wanyin’s brow narrowed. “You’re important to me and you’re distraught - of course I’m going to worry!”
“I’m not the one you should be worried about,” He argued. “You’re the one you should be worried about!”
“I’m actually trying my best to not do that,” He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache oncoming and just knew it would make the confusion and fear in his mind more annoying to deal with. “I... I think I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I want to do it.”
“Here, let me change and we can talk.”
“Gods above I hate talking...”
“That’s not very becoming of a sect leader.” Jingyi teased gently, a small smile pulling his lips up. Wanyin felt the weight on his chest lighten so violently that he physically twitched. He didn’t realize seeing such a look on Lan Jingyi’s face was affecting him so drastically.
“Well, judging by my journals I never grew to like it,” Wanyin offered a small smile back - a truce, in a sense. To lighten the mood a little. “I just grew more adept at hiding my displeasure.”
“So skilled, Young Master Jiang.” Jingyi’s small smile widened as Wanyin scoffed at the sudden title. Before he could say anything else, Jingyi stepped behind the changing screen. The sounds of shuffling fabric filled the room as he slipped out of his robes. He sighed, knowing it would be annoying to wash them again but it couldn’t be helped. He was used to doing more laundry than the other disciples.
“Are you hungry at all? I can have someone bring something here.” Wanyin asked from the other side of the screen.
“No, I snacked when we were having tea,” Jingyi replied. Even if he had been hungry, he wasn’t sure he would be able to stomach much. Things felt somewhat normal now, but the weight of Wanyin’s situation still hung in the air. “Thank you, though.”
“Your belt is crooked,” Wanyin noticed as soon as Jingyi stepped out from behind the divider. He looked down to see the younger man was right, but before he could move to fix it, there were hands already blocking his vision. “These robes are different from the ones you’re used to... there, all fixed.”
“Thank you...” He trailed off, suddenly far too aware of how close Jiang Wanyin was standing. His hands itched to reach out and hold Wanyin close to him. Logically he knew the younger man wasn’t about to turn to smoke but at the same time he was still grappling with the fact that he almost lost him.
Jingyi had been doing a lot of thinking the last few days. He always knew he admired Sect Leader Jiang from afar, but after getting to know him as an eighteen year old, Jingyi began to look back on his feelings towards the man he had known. How much of it had been admiration and how much of it had been... more?
“You make a stupid face when you’re thinking too hard.” A light flick on his forehead - carefully placed between his hairline and his ribbon - broke him from his thoughts.
“Jokes on you,” He scoffed, rubbing the spot even though it didn’t actually hurt. “I always make stupid faces even when I’m not thinking.”
“At least you’re aware of it.” Wanyin shrugged, but he was smirking as he turned his back to Jingyi.
“Hey!” He cried in mock offense. “You’re one to talk - you always look like you’ve licked a lemon.”
“That’s just my face,” Wanyin deadpanned. “I can’t do anything about that.”
“Now I know that’s a lie,” Jingyi grinned, poking a finger into Wanyin’s cheek. The younger man made no move to stop him. “I think Young Master Jiang has many expressions, and only half of them are similar to having licked a lemon.”
“Only half?” He raised an eyebrow, trying to keep his mouth from turning up. “What a complement.”
“Young Master Jiang deserves only the best.” Lan Jingyi grinned fully, stars shining in his eyes despite it still being mid afternoon.
“And there I thought we were close,” Wanyin sighed dramatically, moving away from Jingyi’s warmth. “But we’re back to the young master crap...”
“Ah, Wanyin, this one apologizes,” Lan Jingyi tugged on his sleeve. Wanyin refused to look over his shoulder because he could hear the pout in Jingyi’s voice and he was only so strong. “You’re just so much fun to tease! I can’t help it.”
“I’m fun to tease?” Wanyin asked, tone darkening but Jingyi didn’t seem to sense the danger he was suddenly in. “That’s saying something when you’re here.”
“What’s that supposed to mean-ACK!” Jingyi let out a most undignified squawk as Wanyin easily picked him up and tossed him onto the bed, grinning as the older man bounced slightly on his back.
“Careful now,” Wanyin cooed. “You’re in my territory now.”
“You’re such a brute!” Jingyi steamed as he made no efforts to move. Wanyin loomed over him, casting a shadow that did little to hide the redness of his ears.
“You say that, but I don’t think you dislike it,” Wanyin chuckled as he kneeled on the bed, one leg propped between Jingyi’s while the other kept him stable on the ground. “You’re a bad liar, you know that right?”
“W-well, it’s against the rules to lie,” He tried to defend himself, turning his head away. He simply couldn’t bring himself to look Wanyin in the eye. “How could I have learned such a skill?”
“You really are beautiful in my colors...” Wanyin murmured softly, as if he hadn’t meant to say it aloud at all. Jingyi flushed, his entire face turning crimson that clashed so perfectly with the rich shades of purple he now wore.
“You’re shameless!” Jingyi covered his face with both hands. He could feel the blush reaching the back of his neck now too. How embarrassing.
“Maybe I am,” Wanyin hummed. In a flash he took both of Jingyi’s wrists and pinned them above his head. “Or maybe I just like teasing you until you look like an apple. Got a problem with it?”
“Yes!” He wriggled but didn’t actually try to break free. He didn’t know why, but something about this position seemed almost familiar. “You’re going to send me to an early grave! My heart will give out and then you’ll have to tell Sizhui and Jin Ling and Senior Wei and Hanguang-Jun that you teased me until I died!”
“Can’t have that, now can we?”
“You’re so annoying.”
“But you like that about me, don’t you?” Wanyin’s grin sharpened. Jingyi felt something unfamiliar bubbling in his stomach but he found he couldn’t respond. He closed his eyes and instantly heard Wanyin sigh - he also heard the smile behind the sigh.
The hand holding his wrists tightened, making his eyes fly open in shock just in time to see Wanyin’s face getting closer. He opened his mouth to say something only to suck in a sharp breath when Wanyin connected their lips.
Lan Jingyi tried to pull back but found he couldn’t go very far because his head was already against the bed as Wanyin dove back in for another kiss and Jingyi found he didn’t dislike it in the slightest. He tilted his head to slot their mouths together better, his body growing hotter and hotter with each passing moment.
He gasped when Wanyin bit his bottom lip, inadvertently giving the younger man access to lick the inside of his mouth and gods above he could feel the fire reach down to his toes. Wanyin’s free hand rested on the curve of his hip, his fingers digging into his skin. A strangled moan got caught in his throat. If fire hadn’t already been replacing his blood, the way he felt Wanyin smirk against his lips would have finished the job. The hand on his hip tightened even more, tugging Jingyi to slide down the bed just enough to make their hips tuck against each other.
“Ah-” He gasped as the sudden contact, unable to stop himself from grinding his hips upwards. Wanyin growled darkly, making the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. It was the growl of a predator and he found he didn’t mind being prey.
“Wanyin...” He breathed out and he could hear how wrecked he sounded.
“Look what you do to me,” Wanyin whispered, pressing another, softer, kiss to the corner of Jingyi’s mouth. Somehow that kiss sent a spark through Jingyi’s veins. “I said I wasn’t going to act on these impulses yet here I am.”
“You stole my first kiss,” Jingyi accused, trying to force some sort of confidence in his words but instead he just sounded breathless. “You need to take accountability.”
“In that case, you take accountability first,” Wanyin said without thinking. Jingyi blinked, his mind still too foggy to comprehend what he was implying but he didn’t have to piece it together himself. “You took my first kiss last night. Take responsibility.”
“I- what?” all arousal in his body vanished. Lan Jingyi went from red to white in the blink of an eye, his heart pounding so hard it ached.
“Um-” Wanyin’s eyes widened, amusement being replaced by horror as he released the older man’s wrists. Taking a step back, he opened and closed his mouth a few times but no words came out.
“Wh-what do you mean?” He propped himself up on his elbows, his brows furrowing as he stared Jiang Wanyin down.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He deflected poorly.
“No, what do you mean?” Panic was starting to bubbling up his throat. “Wanyin, what did I do?”
“You kissed me first,” Wanyin couldn’t look him in the eye. “You took my first kiss...”
“I-” Jingyi didn’t know what he was doing until the fresh hair hit his face. He heard Wanyin call after him but he was walking away as fast as he could without actually running but he didn’t stop. He could still feel his lips tingling from Wanyin’s kiss but all he could focus on was the sound of his own heartbeat roaring in his ears.
So that’s why everyone was acting so strange that morning. How many people knew? Who knew that he gave away his first kiss while black out drunk to Jiang Wanyin of all people? Did Sizhui know? Jin Ling? Given how Wanyin reacted, Jingyi couldn’t help but wonder if the younger man was ever planning on telling him. He implied that he never meant to kiss Jingyi a second time.
Why did that hurt? The thought that Wanyin planned to never kiss him again?
Since when did he want Wanyin to kiss him?
Since when did Wanyin want to kiss him?
He barked out a sob as he dashed past someone. They might have called after him but he couldn’t be bothered to stop. He needed to put as much distance between himself and Lotus Pier as he could.
He wished he was back in the Cloud Recesses. He could go to the cold springs, or the library, or even Hanguang-Jun’s humble home to hide away and cry without eyes on him. Wood planks gave way to packed dirt and before he knew it he was surrounded by tall trees. The sounds of life in Lotus Pier changed to the calm, comforting songs of birds and rustling leaves but he didn’t stop moving.
He knew he could be impulsive and that habit only got worse when he was drunk. He didn’t know if he ever told his friends how much he appreciated how they always tried to get him back to his room before he passed out. They always looked after him when he lost control of himself, but this time they weren’t fast enough to keep him in place. If only he had just stayed in his room. If only he hadn’t had so much to drink. If only he hadn’t fallen in love with Jiang Wanyin when he knew he didn’t have the right to-
Falling to his knees, Jingyi let out a loud, heartbroken sob.
He never meant to fall in love with Wanyin, but that’s exactly what happened. He knew the Lan curse of only ever falling in love once, and he had been terrified of it his entire life. He heard of Hanguang-Jun and Senior Wei’s story. He heard of Hanguang-Jun’s parents. Sure, his seniors managed to get their happy ending, but they were outliers.
Losing his years was never a curse to Wanyin - it was having a Lan fall in love with him.
Covering his face did little to muffle his cries.
He knew the right thing to do would be to go back to pack his things and leave before he had the chance to see Wanyin again. They were going to get his years back and he was going to return to being Sect Leader - even if he found someone over two decades younger than him attractive, he wouldn’t have time for Lan Jingyi. He had his clan to focus on. His disciples and his people and his home.
He wouldn’t have time for poor Lan Jingyi.
“It hurts...” Lan Jingyi keened, wrapping his arms around his waist as if he could hold his emotions in. It felt like a knife had pierced through his heart but no amount of ointment or bandaging would help the pain.
Why... Why did he have to ruin everything? He had been so happy to have another friend. He loved Sizhui and Jin Ling so dearly but it had been different with Wanyin. It was a different kind of comradery, one that felt like a flame in his stomach, alighting him from the inside out.
He couldn’t help but touch his lips as he cried. Wanyin had kissed him with force but there was also a shade of tenderness behind it. He bit his lip but didn’t draw blood and held his hip firmly but didn’t leave bruises. For a moment, Jingyi mourned the loss of the marks. If they were to never kiss again, he would have at least liked some sort of reminder even if it only would have lasted a few hours.
“I’m such an idiot...” He sobbed, his sides stitching in pain. “I always ruin everything-”
You’re hurting
“Who’s there?” His heart slammed against his ribs as he scrambled back but as he looked around he saw he was still all alone. There wasn’t a single living soul other than him, the trees breathing their own kind of life into the air.
Who hurt you?
“A-Are you a ghost?” He stammered, tears still streaming down his face. His hands shook violently as he summoned his sword but he found he wasn’t able to draw it. He couldn’t sense any resentful energy from the woods, but the more he tried to focus the clearer it became that he wasn’t quite alone anymore.
I can feel your pain... you’re hurting so much
“Sh-sh-show yourself!” He stammered. Between his tears and the sudden grip of fear around his throat, he wouldn’t have been able to speak confidently even if his life depended on it.
The fear hurt his chest. No matter how hard he tried, he could never shake his fear of ghosts. It made him a pathetic cultivator. Lan Sizhui never mocked him for it, and when Jin Ling did Jingyi knew it was done with love. The two always watched his back, shielding him from ghosts when they were able to. It made him feel loved as much as it made him feel like the worst cultivator alive.
Let me help you
“Help me?” He was still holding his shaking sword in front of his body. “What-what are you talking about?”
I can save you
“I-I’m fine,” He adamantly denied. “I don’t need help.”
But you’re hurting
The voice sounded closer. Jingyi flinched, but there was something about the genuine tone of its words that kept him from bolting away.
“I deserve it,” He slumped down, letting his hand - and his sword - fall to the forest floor. He gripped the sheath so tightly that his knuckles turned white. “It’s my own fault.”
You don’t deserve to hurt
“I do,” He shook his head. He wasn’t even sure if the voice could see him. “I was an idiot and went and did something stupid and now I’m suffering the consequences... I deserve the pain because-because... because if I don’t hurt, I’ll never be better. If I continue to hurt, maybe I’ll get my shit together for once.”
You’ve been hurt before
“All I ever do is make things harder for the people around me,” He curled in on himself, covering his face with his hands. His sword lay on the forest floor, all but forgotten. “For as long as I’ve been able to walk I’ve been causing problems. I try so, so hard to be good but it’s never enough. I’m never enough!”
Let me help you
“What could you even do?” He spat, feeling drained enough that lying down on the grassy ground below him sounded like a decent idea. “My whole existence was a mistake.”
I can take your pain away
“You couldn’t take all my pain away,” He denied. “You’d have to kill me to do that.”
I cannot harm you, but I can stop the pain that brought you here
“I don’t understand.”
I can take away what is causing you pain. Bring you back to a time when you were happier
“Wait...” Shock went through his system. “You’re the forgotten goddess that made Wanyin eighteen again!”
Forgotten.... Yes, I’ve been forgotten
“What’s your name?”
I don’t remember
“How long have you been in these woods?”
I don’t recall... before the settlement you came from was built, I think
“That’s... sad,” He frowned. “I’m sorry you were forgotten. That’s not fair to you.”
Humans are delicate beings. I always knew they would leave me one day
“What if I could get people to remember you again?” Jingyi wanted to help. Their voice sounded so sad all of a sudden
That’s not possible but... thank you
“How do you know it’s not possible?” He shot back. “Even if the people who originally worshiped you are gone, that doesn’t mean new people can’t learn about you.”
I don’t want to be remembered... I’m content here
“Are you really? Or are you just used to it?”
I don’t need things to change
“But-”
You, on the other hand, are not content. You are hurting
“It doesn’t matter,” He scrubbed his cheeks, his tears staining Wanyin’s sleeves a darker shade of purple. “I brought it onto myself. I deserve to hurt.”
Wouldn’t you like to be happy again? To forget the pain?
“Forget the pain?” He repeated softly, looking down at his hands. “If you take time away from me like you did to Wanyin... you could take me back to when I first arrived at Lotus Pier? Before I fell in love with him?”
Yes
“And... and if you’re taking the physical time away from me, it wouldn’t just be making me forget. It would be taking me back to a time before I ever fell in love,” He could hear his blood rushing in his ears. “I could... I could have the chance to fall for someone else. Someone who could actually love me back. I don’t have to suffer through the Lan curse...”
Let me help you, little one
He loved Jiang Wanyin. That was something he couldn’t deny anymore. He also couldn’t deny the pain he knew it would bring him. He would have to go back to the Cloud Recesses, always pining for a man he could never have. He would marry someone he didn’t love, or be alone for the rest of his life because his heart would forever remain among the shining lakes and jewel shades of purple of Lotus Pier. He remembered the pain in Hanguang-Jun’s eyes before Senior Wei came back, when his senior mourned the loss of his own heart.
Hanguang-Jun resigned himself to mourn until the day he, himself, died. He threw aside his traditional GusuLan robes, wearing pure white for as long as Jingyi could remember. It was only when Senior Wei returned that Hanguang-Jun donned the white and blue that the rest of his sect wore.
Would Jingyi spend the rest of his life in mourning as well?
But he could go back to before he met eighteen year old Jiang Wanyin. He could give himself the chance to fall in love with someone he could be happy with. Someone he could give his love to and be loved in return. He could have a future again.
But did he actually want that? To go back to before he ever met Wanyin properly?
“I...” His chest hurt. His head hurt. He wanted... he didn't know what he wanted. He just wanted to stop hurting. "Please... make it stop."
Of course, little one. You don't have to hurt any longer...
There was a phantom touch on his forehead, one that made goosebumps erupt along his skin under the thing YunmengJiang robes. Before he could reel back from it, his vision began to blacken around the edges.
You'll be alright. Do not fear
And all he knew was darkness.
Notes:
*rubs hands villainously* welcome back folks~
I had the option of wrapping this fic up in the next chapter or so but where would the fun in that be!? So instead we're going to make it hurt so much more before we get our happy ending 🥰 if anyone's read any of my fics before, you'll know that's one of my favorite things to do~
Chapter Text
“I see...” Lan Sizhui trailed off. Jin Ling was silently staring down at his lap, his fingers digging into his thighs hard enough to turn his knuckles white.
“Unfortunately it seems if Sect Leader Jiang’s years are returned, he may resort to such drastic measures once again.” Hanguang-Jun continued.
“We’re not entirely sure if this goddess can return Jiang Cheng’s years, but if she can we won’t have to worry,” Wei Wuxian tried to comfort the younger men. “He got that bad because he felt isolated and alone, but he doesn’t have to be alone anymore. He has us now, so even if he does fall back into that dark place, he’ll have us to pull him back out again.”
“And if she can’t return his years?” Lan Sizhui asked, his voice calm despite the slight tremor behind his words.
“Then... we’ll support him as best we can,” Wei Wuxian’s comforting smile fought to stay on his face. “If he stays eighteen, he’ll have to relearn how to run the sect, and all the history he’s missed. We’ll be able to teach him and support him... something I was never able to do before.”
“No wonder Uncle looked so scared...” Jin Ling was pale as a ghost. “He found out he- he almost-”
“Don’t worry Jin Ling,” Wei Wuxian moved and sat beside his nephew. He pulled the young sect leader into a sideways embrace, and for once Jin Ling didn’t try to fight him. “He’s a strong man. No matter what happens, he’ll make it through.”
“He’s... he’s only hugged me like that a handful of times,” Jin Ling continued, his voice faint. “I-I almost lost him... again.”
“Jiang Cheng isn’t going anywhere,” Wei Wuxian swore. “We’re all stuck with him, for a long, long time.”
“We should go to the library,” Lan Sizhui said abruptly. “It’s not as extensive as the Library Pavillion but if there’s any chance that there’s written evidence of this forgotten goddess, it’ll most likely be there. If we can get any sort of lead on what sort of deity she was, we might be able to better prepare ourselves to confront her.”
“Yeah... you’re right,” Jin Ling scrubbed his eyes roughly with his sleeve. “Let’s go.”
“A-Ling-”
“Let them go, Wei Ying,” Hanguang-Jun murmured. “Give them time.”
“Mhm... you’re right, as always,” Wei Wuxian frowned. “If you find anything, come get us immediately. Lan Zhan and I will go into town and ask around. The citizens of Yunmeng might have some insight through word of mouth stories.”
“We’ll be going then.” Lan Sizhui stood, putting a hand out to help Jin Ling to his feet.
They were silent as they walked towards the library. It wasn’t a place Sizhui frequented often but he knew where they were going so he didn’t have to think too hard on where he was putting his feet, which was good because he didn’t know if he would have been able to focus much even if he had to.
He tried to keep his composure, but internally he was facing a whirlwind. He knew what it was like to have someone close to him feel as though they wished to no longer be alive and it terrified him. He tried to be enough support for Jingyi that his dearest friend would no longer wake up with that flat look in his eyes, but he also knew it would take more than just one person’s strength to pull someone back from the ledge.
Over the years, Lan Jingyi had gotten better. He came into himself more, and the number of mornings he would awaken with those dead eyes that Sizhui dreaded so much had begun to lessen. Sizhui wasn’t naive enough to believe his friend was completely cured of his dangerous thoughts, but he hoped Jingyi was healing a little at a time.
Sandu-Shengshou, on the other hand... who did he have to support him? Jin Ling had gathered them to formulate their convoluted plan out of concern for his Uncle but they had been too late. How long did Sect Leader Jiang suffer before he decided to take drastic measures?
Twenty seven years, apparently. If he was returned to eighteen, it meant that he hadn’t been happy since then. This forgotten goddess took the years that hurt him away, which means he had been unhappy for longer than Sizhui had been alive.
No wonder he tried to end his own life. That’s an excruciatingly long time to suffer and suffer and suffer without any real outlet or support.
“Don’t worry,” Jin Ling’s voice broke through Sizhui’s spiral. “Uncle will be okay... he’s strong. He won’t let something like this get him down. Besides... he has Jingyi with him. That dumbass won’t let anything bad happen.”
“Does it bother you?”
“That Jingyi is spending so much time with Uncle? I mean, it sucks that we haven’t seen much of him but he seems happier.”
“That they have feelings for each other,” Sizhui glanced at the younger man from the corner of his eye. Jin Ling was marching forward, eyes straight ahead and his shoulders squared but it was clear he was only pretending to have his composure. “Is it strange to know that they care for each other in such a way? Jingyi is your best friend and Sect Leader Jiang is the man who raised you.”
“Jingyi’s been in love with my Uncle for years,” Jin Ling said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Though I don’t think he realized the difference between admiration and affection. You Lans have a strange comprehension of emotions.”
“I believe that might be more of a Jingyi thing than a Lan thing.” Sizhui said with a wry smile.
“But... to answer your question, no. It doesn’t bother me... We came here on a mission to find someone for my Uncle to love and confide in. Having that person be my best friend was a little strange to think about at first but I realized this is the best case scenario because I know Jingyi. I know he’ll treat my Uncle well, and care for him with his whole chest. If we found some random person in another clan, we wouldn’t know what kind of person they were and we might invite someone who would cause more hurt than comfort.”
“That’s a good point,” Some of the tension left Sizhui’s chest. He hadn’t realized how anxious he had been about Jin Ling’s reaction until it was out in the open. “But now we have to figure out how to make them realize they care for each other.”
“Uncle knows and that scares him,” Jin Ling’s jaw clenched as he let out a slow, steady breath through his nose. “If we can get through to him, there’s a chance they might have their happy ending.”
“Let’s focus on this forgotten goddess problem first,” Sizhui felt an ache forming behind his eyes. They walked in silence for a few more moments before his mouth decided to voice his concerns. “What if your Uncle doesn’t have feelings for Jingyi after he returns to his true age?”
“I thought we were going to focus on this damn goddess,” Jin Ling scoffed before his expression sombered. “I don’t think that’ll be the case. Honestly, I believe he’ll maintain his feelings but feel even less entitled to act on them. He’ll internalize everything, thinking he isn’t suitable for Jingyi for a bunch of reasons, his age only being one of them.”
“This is so messy,” Sizhui sighed, running a hand through his bangs. “We should have known it wouldn’t have been easy though.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because it involves us,” Sizhui deadpanned, causing Jin Ling to snort. “Nothing is simple when we get involved.”
The air between them seemed to lighten a little as they let themselves into the library. It was empty, thankfully, but from the candles burning on one of the low workstations they were able to piece together that it hadn’t been empty only a short time ago.
“Where would we even start?” Jin Ling slumped as he looked around at the dozens upon dozens of heavily laden shelves.
“Let’s find anything on ancient Yunmeng history and lore,” Sizhui hummed. “If anything would have reference to a deity that could remove years from someone, it would be written down as a legend.”
“Mhm, sounds good. Lores and legends are going to be over here...”
“Where to start... where to start...” Wei Wuxian hummed to himself as he and his husband strolled into Yunping, their hands laced together.
“The elders will most likely know more stories,” Lan Wangji offered. “If anyone would have heard something, even in passing, about this goddess, it would be them.”
“Ah! My Lan Zhan is so smart~” Wei Wuxian cooed, nuzzling his cheek against his husband’s shoulder.
“Wei Ying.” Lan Wangji said in a low, warning tone, but Wei Wuxian just grinned wider.
“Come on, let’s find a lead!” Wei Wuxian pulled Lan Wangji towards a nearby vendor.
Unfortunately, it seemed they were chasing ghosts. They spoke to elder after elder but not a single one seemed to have any idea of what they were talking about. Wei Wuxian was beginning to lose hope that they would be able to find any sort of lead. He hoped Sizhui and Jin Ling were having a little more luck with their search.
“Let’s ask one more person before we head back,” Wei Wuxian sighed. He was getting hungry and his knees were beginning to ache a little. He hated to admit it, but he was getting old. Having to chase after the juniors on night hunts did nothing to aid his poor, abused joints, which weren’t the best when he was resurrected. “I still have a good feeling.”
“Mhm, one more,” Lan Wangji agreed. “But it’s getting late.”
“We’ll be back in time for dinner, I promise.” Wei Wuxian tugged Lan Wangji down just enough to press a kiss to his husband’s cheek. Looking around, he stopped a familiar stand that was followed by an even familiar smell.
“Good evening, young masters,” The old woman smiled warmly. “How may I help you?”
“Young masters,” Wei Wuxian chuckled. “Did you hear that, Lan Zhan, she thinks we’re still young and spry!”
“Compared to me, you two are still children,” She shook her head. “Though this one feels a little hurt. Young Master Wei came home and didn’t pay this old woman a visit. Even Young Master Jiang stopped by for some nuts... and here I always thought I was your favorite.”
“Granny, forgive me!” Wei Wuxian bowed to her. When he lifted his head, there was a mischievous smirk on his lips. “I’ve had my hands full. Jiang Cheng never stays put - you know that better than anyone.”
Lan Wangji placed a hand on the small of his back and Wei Wuxian’s smile vanished.
“Granny, you’ve seen Sect Leader Jiang?” Lan Wangji asked softly.
“Ah... so that’s what brought you here,” She hummed. “Yes, yes. Mind you, it was quite a shock to my poor, old heart! He looked exactly how I remembered... It made this old woman quite nostalgic. He had the same scowl, but that young Lan boy managed to smooth his brow. It was quite the sight, I must say.”
“Jiang Cheng found himself in a bit of a sticky situation,” Wei Wuxian laughed. “But don’t worry! Lan Zhan and I are on the case! We’re going to put everything back to normal again.”
“We did have a question, if you have the time.” Lan Wangji said.
“Of course! Anything for my favorite ruffian.” The woman laughed, reaching forward to pinch Wei Wuxian’s cheek with her wrinkled hand. Wei Wuxian just grinned wider, leaning into the playful scolding.
“Granny, you know a lot of stories, right?” Wei Wuxian asked when his cheek was finally released.
“I know a fair amount,” She hummed as she went back to stirring the roasted nuts that filled the air with a sweet aroma. “Depends on what sort of stories you’re looking for.”
“Do you know any stories about a deity that could return someone to a younger age?”
“I’m assuming this has something to do with what happened to Young Master Jiang?”
“How did you know?” Wei Wuxian blinked.
“He comes by, suddenly a teenager again,” She raised an unamused eyebrow at the pair of cultivators, forcing Wei Wuxian to shoot her a sheepish look. “And now you’re here in front of my stall asking about something that could make someone younger? I may be old but I’m not stupid.”
“Apologies, Granny,” Wei Wuxian bowed his head. “We’re trying to find any kind of lead on what sort of deity could have done this.”
“Let me think... No, I don’t know of any stories of deities that could do something like that, but there was one story that comes to mind,” She continued to stir her nuts. “It was a tale I was told when I was a little girl traveling with my parents. There was one night we were traveling with a few others and we stopped to camp for the night. I was having trouble sleeping so one of the elders of the group sat me on her lap and told me of a story that she had been told when she had been my age.”
Wei Wuxian nodded, encouraging her to continue her story.
“She told me of a goddess that her grandparent’s grandparents worshiped. She was a healer, who could grant blessings to remove ailments and relieve pain. She was kind and benevolent, never asking anything in return. She accepted offerings but unlike other deities she never demanded payment for her blessings. She only wanted to see her people flourish... but an illness swept through their little village, wiping out most of their people. Those who survived had left to find someplace else to settle down. That’s where this woman grew up, hearing stories of past families that had been lost to time.”
“A healing goddess?” Wei Wuxian’s eyes widened. He whipped his head around to look at his husband. Lan Wangji’s face was still as usual, but Wei Wuxian could see the intrigued quirk of his eyebrow.
“The spirit said the goddess was able to remove what was hurting him,” Lan Wangji hummed. “If this goddess and the healing goddess are one in the same, it would fit. She wanted to heal him of whatever was hurting him.”
“But how could a forgotten deity have enough power to take over two decades from Jiang Cheng? I’ve never heard of anything being able to make someone younger.”
“That... I am unsure of,” Lan Wangji sighed. “It would require more research. There have been records of deities that maintained their power due to the strength of their morals. If this deity truly cares about helping people heal, it might have been enough to allow her to hold onto her powers.”
“Thank you Granny! We might have a lead now,” Wei Wuxian turned to the old woman and beamed at her. “You’re a lifesaver!”
“You’ve always been such a sweet talker,” She shook her head again. Scooping some roasted nuts into a paper bag, she all but shoved them into Wei Wuxian’s hands. “Here, take these.”
“Ah, let me grab my pouch-”
“I don’t want your money, silly boy,” She waved him off. “Just take care of your brother, yeah? He might have a hard time showing it, but he cares about you deeply.”
“Of course,” Wei Wuxian maintained his smile, but there was something so sad bordering it. “I’d-I’d do anything for him.”
“And don’t forget about this old woman, you hear me?”
“I could never,” Wei Wuxian bowed to her. “But we must be on our way. Thank you, for the story, and for the snacks.”
“Take care, you two!” She smiled at them before turning to the next customer. The sun was beginning to set so they began the trek back to Lotus Pier, their heads ringing with the information they had just been given.
“They’re probably still in the library,” Wei Wuxian hummed when his thoughts turned to his son and nephew. “We can meet them there and see if there’s anything about a healing goddess.”
“Mhm, I will see if I can have someone bring something to eat.” Lan Wangji murmured.
“I should check on Jiang Cheng too,” Wei Wuxian rubbed the side of his nose. “It’s been a while since he took Jingyi away. Hopefully they’ve calmed down.”
“Check on them and meet us in the library.” Lan Wangji nodded. Wei Wuxian gave his husband a quick, chaste kiss before heading off towards the Sect Leaders chambers. He had a feeling that was where Jiang Cheng would have brought Jingyi there, especially since he offered the other man a change of robes.
As he raised his hand to knock on Jiang Cheng’s door, someone shouted his name.
“Jiang Cheng?” He blinked in surprise, the surprise quickly turning to fear when he saw the look on his brother’s face. Jiang Cheng came rushing over, his eyes wild and his cheeks flushed from running.
“H-have you seen Jingyi?” He gasped for breath, hunching over slightly.
“Jingyi? No, Lan Zhan and I just got back from Yunping,” Wei Wuxian frowned as he placed a hand on his brother’s back. “What happened?”
“I-I fucked up,” Jiang Cheng spat out, tears clinging to his lashes. “I fucked up really, really bad and-and he ran off!”
“What do you mean?”
“I-I- fuck! We don’t have time for this,” Jiang Cheng shook Wei Wuxian’s hand away as he stood upright. “We need to find him. Now.”
“Alright, where have you checked?”
“I went to the lake first because that’s-that’s where he ran off too when he was drunk,” He could feel his throat stinging. The second Jingyi ran out of his room, panic coursed through his veins. He tried to chase after him, but Jingyi had vanished before he could get a hint of where he could have gone. “But he wasn’t there. He’s not at the training fields or the kitchens either.”
“We didn’t see anything on the road to Yunping,” Wei Wuxian’s stomach soured. “If he had been heading into town we would have passed him at some point.”
“You don’t think-” Jiang Cheng froze.
“You think he went into the woods?” Wei Wuxian knew exactly what was going through his brother’s mind. “He’s a cultivator. He can defend himself if he runs into something.”
“Maybe if he’s in his right mind!” He snapped. “But he was freaking out! He’s not going to be able to defend himself properly if he’s panicking!”
“Shit-” Wei Wuxian grabbed Jiang Cheng’s sleeve and raced towards the back exit that led out to the woods behind Lotus Pier.
“Hangang-Jun?”
“Jingyi?” Lan Wangji blinked, his shock not showing on his face. “Wei Ying went to check on you and Sect Leader Jiang.”
“Sect Leader Jiang?” Lan Jingyi’s brow furrowed more. He looked around him, looking lost. “I... why would I have been with Sect Leader Jiang? Where are Sizhui and Jin Ling? We weren’t planning on coming to Lotus Pier until a little later... Why am I here already?”
“Are you feeling unwell?” Lan Wangji’s own brow furrowed slightly, the concern brewing in his stomach only growing the more confused Lan Jingyi seemed to grow.
“No,” The younger man shook his head. “But I’m confused. Did I get attacked or something? That would explain why I’m not wearing my own robes, I suppose...”
“No... you were not attacked,” Panic was beginning to build in Lan Wangji’s gut. He glanced around, praying that his husband would magically appear to help but when no black ponytail came bobbing into sight, Lan Wangji looked back at his disciple. “What is the last thing you remember?”
“Huh? Um... I met up with Sizhui and Jin Ling at some random teahouse,” Lan Jingyi scratched the back of his head. “We hatched a plan to get Sect Leader Jiang a partner and headed to bed... we were planning on leaving for Lotus Pier in the morning, but when I woke up I was in some forest. I wandered around for a while until I heard people and surprise! I was already at Lotus Pier... that’s so strange. I didn’t even know there were woods behind Lotus Pier like that.”
“I see...” The panic was only increasing. Lan Wangji took a deep breath. “Follow me.”
“Okay Hanguang-Jun!” Lan Jingyi chirped, looking more carefree than he had all day. It was almost concerning, considering how scared he had been after Inquiry. “Say, what are you doing in Lotus Pier? I didn’t know you were planning on traveling!”
“We were requested to come,” He answered. “Wei Ying and I arrived a few days ago.”
“A few days ago?” Lan Jingyi’s pace slowed a little. “But you were both at the Cloud Recesses when we left yesterday.”
“Don’t fall behind.” Was all Lan Wangji said as he continued along the path. Lan Jingyi nodded and sped up until he was walking shy of a single pace behind his senior.
“Do you know why I’m wearing YunmengJiang robes?” He asked after a moment of silence.
“I...” Lan Wangji trailed off. He should not lie, but if what he feared was true, he didn’t want to make things worse for his ward. “I believe your robes were dirty.”
“Ah, I guess that makes sense,” Lan Jingyi hummed. “You know how clumsy I can be! Ah, how embarrassing... I hope no one saw me.”
Lan Wangji didn’t respond. His mind was a whirlwind of thoughts, none of which were understandable.
If Jingyi suddenly woke up in the woods and couldn’t remember anything from the last few days... He feared that Jingyi must have encountered the forgotten goddess, and if he did, why would Jingyi accept her help? Why would he give up the last few days? Was the shock of finding out what happened to Jiang Wanyin enough to make him want to forget?
No, that didn’t seem correct. Lan Jingyi expressed intent to help with the case, so it didn’t make sense that he would give up the last few days over it.
“Are Sizhui and Jin Ling here?” Lan Jingyi asked, realizing his senior hadn’t answered his question earlier. “It would be strange if I came here on my own.”
“Mhm,” Lan Wangji hummed. “They are in the library, I believe. I was on my way to check on them when you found me.”
“The library? It makes sense for Sizhui but Jin Ling too?” Lan Jingyi laughed, the sound echoing off the buildings. “He hates studying!”
“They are researching something for Sect Leader Jiang.”
“Oh? Is something wrong?” Lan Jingyi frowned. “I haven’t heard of any night hunts or help requests around Yunmeng...”
“No night hunts,” Lan Wangji agreed. “But... something else.”
“That doesn’t sound good...” Lan Jingyi trailed off, his ribbon becoming crooked from how his brows were furrowing deeply.
They walked in silence, but it was clear Jingyi was bursting to say something. Despite this, he remained quiet as he matched pace with Hanguang-Jun. As they were turning the corner, they heard a shout.
“Was that Senior Wei?” Lan Jingyi’s eyes widened. Hanguang-Jun froze for a moment before dashing away. Lan Jingyi gasped before racing after him - it wasn’t often he saw Hanguang-Jun break decorum, but if Senior Wei was crying out, it only made sense that his husband would race to his side.
“Wei Ying?” He called out, only a hint of worry staining his voice.
“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian came racing around the corner. He was out of breath, his hair falling out of his ponytail. “There’s a problem!”
“Jingyi is missing!” Another voice called out, making Lan Jingyi pause. Hanguang-Jun also stopped, glancing over his shoulder at the young cultivator before making a split decision to lift his sleeve, covering Jingyi’s face just as the second person came into view.
“He’s alright.” Hanguang-Jun murmured. Jingyi could see Senior Wei’s feet rush over and stop directly in front of them.
“Did you find- is that him?” Senior Wei asked. Jingyi saw how his boots turned, as if he had shifted to look around his husband’s sleeve.
“Don’t.”
“Wh- if that’s Jingyi, I need to make sure he’s okay- woah!”
Lan Jingyi strained his ears, wondering what could have cut Senior Wei off so abruptly, but he didn’t have to ponder it too deeply because a moment later Hanguang-Jun’s sleeve was ripped away to reveal the mysterious figure that had followed Senior Wei.
“Wh- Sandu-Shengshou?” Lan Jingyi yelped, tensing and ducking behind Hanguang-Jun’s back. Peering around the older man’s shoulder, his eyes widened at what he saw. “How.... what’s going on?”
“Jingyi, thank the gods-” Sect Leader Jiang gasped, his lashes clumping together as he fought back tears. Lan Jingyi thought he had to be dreaming because how else would he be looking at a teenage Jiang Wanyin?
He was beautiful, even when his face twisted with tears. He always thought Sandu-Shengshou was ethereal, especially when he was in the middle of battle, but seeing him so close, without the lines of his years and without the scars of his actions... it was something else entirely.
“Thank the gods...” Sect Leader Jiang whispered again, a single tear running down his cheek. He reached forward and pulled Jingyi into a tight embrace. Lan Jingyi froze, his hands pinned to his sides as he looked around wildly over the young sect leader’s shoulder.
“Wh-what are you doing?” He whispered, not knowing if it would be rude to push Sect Leader Jiang away.
“I’m so sorry,” He muttered, holding Jingyi closer. “I’m-I’m so fucking sorry! I know I should have said something sooner but I- I just- I didn’t want to upset you and then you just ran out and I panicked- where did you go? I was looking everywhere for you but you weren’t under our tree! Please just give me a chance to explain and I promise I’ll make this up to you. It didn’t mean nothing to me, Jingyi, I swear. I can’t even say I don’t know why you ran but I promise I’ll make it up to you-”
“I don’t think this is appropriate, Sect Leader Jiang,” Lan Jingyi managed to choke out as he finally mustered the courage to pull away from the embrace. Sect Leader Jiang froze, eyes widening as Lan Jingyi ducked back behind Hanguang-Jun. “This one should have greeted Sect Leader Jiang when he arrived at Lotus Pier but... I’m not even sure when I arrived, if I’m being honest.”
“Jingyi?” Sect Leader Jiang’s voice rose an octave. He was frozen where he stood, his arms still slightly outstretched from where Jingyi escaped his embrace. Jingyi tried to meet his eye, but seeing the shattered expression on the now younger man’s face was enough to make him hide. “What-what are you talking about? You-”
“Is this why you and Senior Wei were called to Lotus Pier?” Jingyi asked, tugging on Hanguang-Jun’s sleeve. The older man glanced at him before nodding slightly.
“Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian carefully placed himself between his brother and his husband - and Lan Jingyi. “What’s going on?”
“Lan Jingyi told me he went to sleep in a teahouse with Lan Sizhui and Jin Ling only to wake up in the forest behind Lotus Pier,” Lan Wangji responded. “He’s... a little confused.”
“Jingyi?” Sect Leader Jiang whispered, sounding broken as he stared at where the older man was barely peeking out from behind Lan Wangji’s back.
“And you said he woke up in the forest?” Wei Wuxian asked his husband, his tone tight.
“Mhm.”
“Oh A-Yi...” Wei Wuxian whispered, his words hitching.
“Did he-” Sect Leader Jiang paled. “You idiot! What did you do?”
“I don’t know!” Lan Jingyi cried. “I just woke up there!”
“Jiang Cheng, go back to your room,” Wei Wuxian whispered. “I’m going to bring A-Yi to the other two.”
“What? No way!” Sect Leader Jiang denied instantly. “I’m not going to leave him-”
“Jiang Wanyin,” Wei Wuxian snapped, causing his brother to fall silent. “If A-Yi found the forgotten goddess... then we need to be careful. There might be a chance to fix this - for both of you.”
“Forgotten goddess? Fix us? Senior Wei, what’s going on?” Lan Jingyi asked question after question as Wei Wuxian grabbed his wrist and dragged him back the way they had come. Jingyi scrambled to keep up, not liking how serious Senior Wei’s face was.
They stormed towards the library, Jingyi stumbling a few times only to be kept on his feet by Senior Wei, who’s stormy expression hadn’t lightened even a fraction the entire way. He strained his ears, but the sounds of Sect Leader Jiang shouting after them had faded and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the distance or because he finally stopped shouting.
“Uncle?” Jin Ling yelped as soon as Wei Wuxian slammed the door to the library open.
“Baba? What’s wrong?” Lan Sizhui stood and rushed to his father’s side.
“Why would Jingyi go to find the forgotten goddess?” Senior Wei asked, thrusting Lan Jingyi forward. He stumbled, and it was only thanks to Sizhui catching him that he didn’t end up on the floor. It wasn’t that Senior Wei had thrown him harshly, but rather his shock at the whole situation that made it harder to stay upright.
“To solve the problem with Young Master Jiang?” Sizhui suggested, but something in his tone tattled on how little he believed the words.
“Then why would she take away the last few days from him?”
“What?” Lan Jingyi jolted. “Someone took my memories?”
“No, she took the physical days away from you,” Wei Wuxian crossed his arms, worrying his thumb nail between his teeth as he tried to sort through his thoughts. “Physically and mentally, you are who you were when you first arrived at Lotus Pier.”
“Huh?” Jingyi exclaimed, not comprehending what his senior was saying.
“Jingyi... what did you do?” Jin Ling whispered, his face twisted in horror.
“Why is everyone asking me that?” He snapped, unable to hold it back. “I don’t know! I don’t know what’s going on! Everyone’s acting so strange.”
“Oh A-Yi...” Lan Sizhui whispered, and when Jingyi whipped his head around, he felt his stomach drop through the floor.
“Wh-why are you crying?” He tried to dry his friend’s tears only to struggle with his sleeves. If he were in his GusuLan robes, it would have been easy, for it was something he had done hundreds of times, but in these strange purple robes he didn’t know how to move the fabric to do what he wanted it to do.
“A-Ling, can you take Jingyi to his room?” Sizhui whispered brokenly. “I have spare robes in my pouch. I feel he... might be more comfortable in GusuLan robes.”
“Alright...”
“Wait! Please - someone explain what the hell is going on!”
“We’re not sure,” Senior Wei looked down at his boots. “When we know what happened we’ll tell you but-but right now we don’t know... we don’t know either.”
“Come on, Jingyi,” Jin Ling grabbed his sleeve. “After you change we can come back, okay?”
“Alright...” Lan Jingyi said blankly, allowing the younger man to pull him from the library. He was numb, and confused. How did he get to Yunmeng without him knowing? Why was everyone acting so strange? Why was Sect Leader Jiang a teenager again?
Once they got to the room that Jingyi and Sizhui shared, Jin Ling let himself in and instantly began rummaging through their missing friend’s things. After a minute he let out a celebratory sound and held up a pouch.
“Here, these’ll probably be more comfortable.” He said, pulling out Sizhui’s spare set of robes. He handed them to Jingyi and turned to give his friend some privacy to change.
“Will you be honest with me, at least?” Lan Jingyi asked as he slipped off the purple robes. The GusuLan embroideries were so familiar to him and he hadn’t realized how much he missed them, which was strange. He always loved the YunmengJiang robes, with their beautiful shades of purple that were so vibrant compared to the endless white he was so used to.
“What do you mean?”
“No one’s telling me anything,” Jingyi felt like crying but he held the tears back. “I’m so confused... I don’t know what’s going on and everyone’s acting strange and no one will tell me shit!”
“Fuck... alright,” Jin Ling sighed. “We came to Lotus Pier a few days ago to put our plan into action only to find Uncle was eighteen for some reason. We couldn’t figure out what happened for a while until you and Hanguang-Jun performed Inquiry. You spoke to a spirit in the clearing in the woods behind Lotus Pier and it told you that... that Uncle tried to take his own life with Sandu, and that the spirit found some forgotten goddess who took the years away from him that made him want to do something so drastic.”
“What?” Jingyi gasped, dropping the outer robes he had been about to put on.
“You and Uncle had been getting closer and we thought that-” Jin Ling cut himself off abruptly. “Anyway... if you were in the woods and you can’t remember shit, you probably found the same goddess. Why she would have taken the last few days from you, I haven’t a clue, but that’s the only thing I can think of.”
“I’m even more confused now...” Jingyi trailed off as he tied the outrobes snug across his waist.
“Yeah... we’re all in the same boat it seems,” Jin Ling muttered. “I just-”
“Woah!” Lan Jingyi barely had the chance to steel himself before they both toppled to the ground. Jin Ling held him tightly, his arms wrapped around his friend’s middle as if he were afraid Jingyi would disappear. “Hey... hey why are you crying? I’m alright...”
“You-you idiot!” Jin Ling sobbed into Jingyi’s chest. “What if something happened to you, huh?”
“Nothing happened to me-”
“What’s Uncle supposed to do now?” He whispered against the soaked fabric.
“Well, we’re going to get those years back for him, right?” Jingyi asked in return. He began to panic when Jin Ling only started crying harder.
“Things were supposed to be okay after this,” Jin Ling muttered to himself. “But now everything’s fucked.”
“We should get back to Senior Wei and Sizhui,” Jingyi said, patting his friend on the back in a way that he hoped comforted the younger man. “Don’t worry... if Senior Wei and Hanguang-Jun are on the case, they’re sure to solve it!”
“Mhm...” Jin Ling pulled away but he refused to look at Lan Jingyi as he headed towards the door. Jingyi followed behind him, the familiar movements of his robes around his ankles giving him some form of comfort in the sea of confusion he was lost in.
“Are you mad at me?”
“I don’t know,” Jin Ling snapped, his eyes staring straight ahead. “Until we know why the goddess did this to you, I can’t say if I’m mad or not.”
“I still don’t get it,” Lan Jingyi’s throat tightened. He had been friends with Jin Ling since they were teenagers and yet he had never gotten this kind of cold shoulder before. It was chilling, freezing his bones down to the marrow. “I understand that this goddess wanted to help Sect Leader Jiang, but how does making him younger help?”
“She took from him what hurt him,” Jin Ling sighed. “And to her, it was the years of betrayal and death and torment that was hurting him the most. It was his memories and his scars... so she took those away from him. She physically removed over two decades from him so that they couldn’t hurt him anymore.”
“Is that- is that even possible!?” Jingyi’s voice pitched up in shock. Jin Ling just shrugged, still not looking at his friend.
“I guess so,” He said, voice devoid of any real emotion. “We didn’t think it was, before this, but when proof is staring us right in the face we don’t have much choice but to believe it.”
“So all we have to do is find this goddess and... what? Ask for her to make Sect Leader Jiang older again?”
“The way the spirit worded it during Inquiry made Hanguang-Jun and Uncle believe that the goddess might still be in possession of the years,” Jin Ling’s shoulders slumped a fraction, as if the weight of the situation was physically dragging him down. “It said that the goddess ‘took’ them... if we can find her, and talk to her, there’s a chance she can return them... but it probably won’t be as easy as that.”
“What do you mean?”
“The spirit said it wouldn’t let us remove the ‘blessing’ from Uncle because...” he trailed off for a second, his footsteps faltering before he was able to regain his composure. “Because it believes that regaining this years will drive Uncle to try taking his own life again.”
“Oh-” it felt like he had been punched in the stomach. “And... and they think this goddess did the same thing to me? Why?”
“We have no idea,” Jin Ling snarled. “At least with Uncle we know why, but you?”
“I’m... sorry.” He didn’t know what he was apologizing for, but it felt like he needed to.
“No, I don’t think you are.” Jin Ling squared his shoulders and walked a little faster.
Lan Jingyi rushed to keep up, the gnawing feeling that had been eating away at him only increasing when he saw droplets appearing under Jin Ling’s feet as he walked. Despite that, however, the young Sect Leader showed no other signs of his tears.
Notes:
:))) All I'm going to say is that this confrontation is going to be so much fun to write! To read, maybe not as much but I'm PUMPED
Chapter Text
Lan Jingyi had been in his fair share of uncomfortable situations. He had only been thirteen when Grandmaster Qiren caught him reading... less than appropriate material instead of fulfilling his punishment. He had tried to defend himself by calling it research since he wasn’t sure he was attracted to women, men, both, or neither. It was simply research into finding who he was.
Grandmaster Qiren had been less than thrilled, but conceded that understanding relationships and reproduction was important in maintaining a healthy self and state of mind, so he was sent to Hanguang-Jun for further education.
Lan Jingyi wanted to die when Hanguang-Jun awkwardly taught him about sex. It was somehow worse because Lan Sizhui was by his side through the entire, torturous lesson. He felt worse for his friend, having to learn about such things from his father.
Somehow, he found he’d rather be back watching Hanguang-Jun point at an illustration of a penis penetrating a vagina rather than sitting between Lan Sizhui and Jin Ling at the low table.
Senior Wei and Hanguang-Jun sat across the table, but the worst part was Sect Leader Jiang. He was sitting across from Jingyi but refused to look anywhere but directly at the Lan disciple in front of him. Jingyi stared down at the table, unable to lift his head knowing that he would have to meet Sect Leader Jiang’s eye if he did.
“It seems the only course of action at the moment is to locate this goddess,” Hanguang-Jun said calmly. Lan Jingyi felt bile tickling the back of his throat but he swallowed it down. “If we can find her, speaking to her may bring us some of the answers we are searching for.”
“We have to be careful,” Senior Wei frowned. “We don’t know what prompted her to take the last few days from Jingyi. For all we know, she isn’t as benevolent as we might hope. If she’s preying on humans, we need to keep a sharp mind. Deities can be tricky, and one that’s been forgotten for as long as she has would have had plenty of time to become corrupted.”
“Do you think she could be resentful?” Lan Sizhui asked, his eyes widening a fraction.
“I honestly have no clue,” His father responded. “This is completely uncharted territory. If we had more time I would reach out to the other sects for help. GusuLan might have something about this in their library, but we don’t necessarily have time on our side.”
“Because we’re walking into something unknown, we need to act quickly,” Hanguang-Jun continued. “We have no way of knowing if the goddess’ abilities become more permanent the longer they’re enacted. It’s best not to hesitate.”
“I didn’t even think of that...” Jin Ling muttered, glancing at his uncle. “It’s been several days already. What if we’re too late?”
“Then we’ll support Jiang Cheng as much as we can,” Senior Wei promised. “It’ll be tough relearning how to run the sect, but at least this time he won’t have to do it alone.”
“LanlingJin will offer whatever aid possible,” Jin Ling swore instantly. “Our library may not be as extensive as the Library Pavilion but we have resources aplenty.”
“If we cannot reverse what happened to Sect Leader Jiang, what are we going to tell the cultivation world?” Lan Sizhui asked. “If we say he was cursed, there will be a push from the other sects to find a way to break it - then we would have our lie revealed. If we tell the truth, they might disregard Sect Leader Jiang and call for new leadership.”
“I don’t think they will,” Senior Wei denied. “He was only a little older than this when he took over for Uncle Fengmian and I don’t recall there being too much backlash.”
“That was also during the war,” Sizhui pointed out. “People weren’t as concerned about who became sect leader as long as there were people able to fight.”
“Now that we’re in a time of peace, people will have more time to gossip,” Jin Ling scowled. “They’re grown lazy - all they do is talk shit about others. They barely take care of their own responsibilities.”
“In the end, it’s up to Jiang Cheng,” Senior Wei glanced at his brother. “What do you say?”
Sect Leader Jiang didn’t respond. He was still staring at Lan Jingyi, his arms crossed and his brows furrowed. Jingyi could feel the eyes glaring holes into the top of his head but he held strong. He refused to look up. He didn’t think he’d be able to withstand the expression on Sect Leader Jiang’s face.
“Jiang Cheng?”
“What?” The younger man snapped, turning his head towards his brother but not taking his eyes off Jingyi.
“Are you even listening? This is about your future, you know.”
“Yeah,” He sighed. “I don’t really care either way. From the sound of it, there’s going to be backlash no matter what we do so we might as well come clean. If we can’t get me back to my real age, we’ll just tell everyone that I was visited by a deity and was given a blessing that returned my youth. In doing so, the deity used the last of their power. No one will try to find her if they think she passed on with this final act.”
“That could work,” Senior Wei hummed. “Good job Jiang Cheng!”
“Why do you sound so surprised?” Sect Leader Jiang snapped, finally looking away from Jingyi to glare at Wei Wuxian. “I’m full of good ideas! It’s not my fault you’re a dumbass and never listen to me!”
Lan Jingyi couldn’t help himself. He snickered, hiding his face behind his sleeve. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sect Leader Jiang’s head whip back around. Without thinking he looked up to track the sudden movement only to lock eyes with the man across from him.
Sect Leader Jiang’s scowl softened when he finally caught Jingyi’s gaze, his mouth turning up in a small smile. Jingyi felt his ears burn as he quickly looked away, not understanding why Sect Leader Jiang would have such a dangerously fond expression on his face while looking at Jingyi of all people.
“What should we do to prepare?” Lan Sizhui asked, frowning a little at how Jingyi shied away from Sect Leader Jiang’s attention. “We shouldn’t go into it hostile, because it might put the goddess on the defensive. We don’t know what her full powers entail, so hunting her unarmed would also be unwise.”
“Wah, our A-Yuan is so smart,” Senior Wei cooed. Sizhui’s ears burned but he couldn’t help the smile on his lips as Hanguang-Jun hummed in agreement. “We’ll bring our weapons but not carry them openly. If we approach her with open hearts she may be more willing to hear us out.”
“She might be hesitant to listen,” Jin Ling sighed. “If she believes we’re trying to cause Uncle harm by getting his years back, she might turn away at least - attack us, at most.”
“There’s only so much speculation we can come up with before we back ourselves into a corner,” Senior Wei said sagely. “The best course of action now is to do just that - act.”
“We don’t know exactly where in the forest the goddess resides,” Hanguang-Jun glanced at his husband before turning his gaze to the younger men. “Sect Leader Jiang supplied me with a map of the area and it was like he said - the forest itself isn’t large. If we break into smaller groups, we can cover more ground.”
“I’ll take Jiang Cheng and Jingyi.” Senior Wei announced, earning outcry.
“Is that a good idea?” Sizhui asked, looking at his father with concern.
“We should stick together!” Jin Ling argued, grabbing Jingyi’s arm. He didn’t miss the way Sect Leader Jiang glared at him for the sudden action and he shot his uncle an equally withering glare in return.
“I can accompany Sect Leader Jin and A-Yuan.” Hanguang-Jun said with a small nod.
“Wouldn’t we cover more ground if we split into three groups of two?” Jingyi chimed in for the first time since being sat down at the table.
“I know Inquiry as well,” Sizhui reminded them. “If we need to communicate with spirits, having one person who can play in each group would make sense.”
“But I’d feel more confident if Lan Zhan or I were nearby in case something goes wrong,” Senior Wei pushed back. “If we spit into three groups of two, there’s a chance we could be too far away to get to you in time.”
“If we’re just going to keep arguing we should stick together,” Sect Leader Jiang scoffed. “The forest isn’t large. If we all stay together we would still be able to search every inch of the place in only a few hours.”
“We can do that,” Hanguang-Jun nodded again. “It’s almost nine. We will meet at the back entrance after breakfast and begin our search.”
“Well, there’s no arguing when Lan Zhan comes to a decision!” Senior Wei decided as he clapped his hands. “Off to bed, children! We’ll see you bright and early.”
“Who are you calling a child?” Jin Ling scowled.
“It better not be us.” Sect Leader Jiang shot his brother a withering glare.
“Goodnight~” Senior Wei tugged his husband to his feet and pulled him from the room before he could face any of the wrath his comment had ushered.
“He’s so-” Jin Ling hissed, watching them go with narrowed eyes.
“He’s just trying to lighten the mood,” Sizhui sighed, shaking his head a little. “He could see how tense we all are.”
“We should get to sleep soon,” Jingyi said, standing and smoothing the non existent wrinkles from the front of his robes. “It’s been a long day.”
“I hate when you’re right.” Jin Ling gave a hefty, dramatic sigh.
“Must be awful for you since I’m always right,” Jingyi grinned and slung an arm over the younger man’s shoulders. “Poor Jin Ling... forced to suffer through the brilliance of his most trusted friends-”
“Brilliance? More like annoyance.” Jin Ling tried to shake Jingyi off, but it was a weak effort. Jingyi just grinned wider as he leaned more of his weight onto his friend.
“You love me~” Jingyi teased, poking Jin Ling’s cheek with his finger.
“Lan Jingyi, can we talk?” Sect Leader Jiang called when he realized Jingyi and Jin Ling were heading towards the door. Jingyi instantly froze, the mirth melting from his face in a heartbeat. Jin Ling easily slipped out from under Jingyi’s arm, glancing between his friend and his uncle with concern.
“It’s late, Sect Leader Jiang,” Lan Jingyi laughed awkwardly. “We should all rest before morning-”
“Please,” The younger man all but begged. He reached out and tried to grab Jingyi’s sleeve, only to let his hand fall to his side when Jingyi flinched away. “Just... allow me a few minutes.”
“I don’t think we have anything to talk about,” Lan Jingyi looked at his boots. He heard someone take a sharp breath but he didn’t dare glance around to see who it was. “Goodnight, Sect Leader Jiang. This one hopes you sleep well.”
“Jingyi-”
But he was gone. He knew not to run - not because he was raised being punished over and over again for running back home, but because he had slipped on the wet planks of the piers one too many times - but he couldn’t walk slowly. His heart was beating out of his chest.
Why was Sect Leader Jiang so insistent on talking to him? He had no business with the now younger man - unless it had something to do with Jin Ling, but Jingyi couldn’t think of why his friend’s uncle would need to speak to him on Jin Ling’s behalf.
Unless something was wrong? Was Jin Ling in some sort of trouble? But why would he reach out to Jingyi of all people? Anyone with eyes could see that Lan Sizhui was the most responsible out of their merry band of troublemakers. If Jin Ling needed something, Sizhui would be the best person to talk to about it.
So why was Sect Leader Jiang so adamant about Jingyi?
“My head hurts...” He muttered to himself. His room was too far away for his liking but there wasn’t anywhere else for him to go.
“A-Yi, wait for me.”
“Sizhui,” He paused, glancing over his shoulder. “Is everything alright?”
“You didn’t have to run from Young Master Jiang like that,” Sizhui scolded gently as he finally caught up to the other man. “He just wanted to talk.”
“What could he possibly want to talk to me about?” He asked as they continued towards their room. “Unless Jin Ling is in some sort of trouble, but even then anyone with half a mind would turn to you before they ask me anything.”
“Jin Ling isn’t in any sort of trouble,” Sizhui assured him. “Though I don’t think there’s nothing for you and Young Master Jiang to speak about.”
“I don’t have any sort of relationship with Sandu-Shengshou,” Jingyi denied, wondering where the venom in his voice suddenly came from. “I know I never hid my admiration for him before, but that’s- that’s meaningless! Any cultivator worth his core would admire him... it’s not like I’m special.”
“But you are,” Sizhui’s soft voice made Jingyi’s throat close. “Especially to Young Master Jiang-”
“Enough, Sizhui,” Jingyi cut him off coldly. “It’s almost nine. We need to get to bed.”
“A-Yi...”
But Jingyi had already stormed off.
By the time Sizhui made it to their room, Jingyi was already tucked under his covers, his back to the rest of the room. Jingyi could hear his friend shuffling around the room but he still pretended to be asleep. He didn’t know why was suddenly so frustrated with Lan Sizhui - the one person who stuck by his side through everything - but he didn’t want to take it out on the poor man. It wasn’t Sizhui’s fault that he was confused and scared.
“Goodnight, Jingyi...”
Jingyi buried his face deeper in his pillow.
“Uncle! There’s a seat here.” Jin Ling called over Jingyi’s shoulder at breakfast the next morning. Jingyi froze, his chopsticks raised halfway to his mouth. He carefully placed the bowl back onto the table and closed his eyes. He had woken with a headache and he knew the next few minutes would only make it worse.
“I wouldn’t want to intrude...” Young Master Jiang’s voice sounded hesitant. “I just wanted to let you know that Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are already getting ready to depart. They told me to tell you to finish eating quickly and meet them by the back entrance.”
“Ah, thank you,” Lan Sizhui hummed. “Have you eaten yet, Young Master Jiang?”
“I’m alright,” He didn’t answer the question. “We need to head out-”
“You should eat, Sect Leader Jiang,” Lan Jingyi said softly. “We need to keep our strength up for this adventure.”
“I-I can have someone bring something to my room...” Young Master Jiang stumbled over his words and it soured Jingyi’s stomach.
“Like Jin Ling said - we have an extra seat.” He wished he could cast the silencing spell on himself without making a scene. While he still respected Sect Leader Jiang, he didn’t necessarily want him to sit beside him.
“If you insist...” Young Master Jiang hesitated for a moment before sitting down at the only empty spot at their table - directly beside Lan Jingyi.
“Uncle,” Jin Ling addressed Young Master Jiang as he handed him a bowl. “You look like shit.”
“And you look like me,” Young Master Jiang deadpanned. “So what does that say about you?”
“Hey!”
“Ppft-” Jingyi couldn’t help but snort a little.
“And what do you think you’re laughing at, Lan Jingyi?” Jin Ling narrowed his eyes at the older man.
“I’d be careful, Little Mistress,” He fought and failed to hide his smirk. “You inherited your sharp tongue from Sect Leader Jiang. It might not be smart to go head to head with him like this. I say this with all the love in my heart but you’re no match.”
“Do you want to die?” Jin Ling hissed, standing as if to jump over the table. Sizhui simply reached up and grabbed the younger man’s wrist and yanked him back down with enough strength to force a huff from Jin Ling.
“You don’t scare me anymore,” Jingyi grinned. “If I can look at your glare and Hanguang-Jun’s disappointment without flinching I don’t know if there’s anything in this world that could truly scare me.”
“Careful or the ghosts of Lotus Pier will hear you,” Young Master Jiang hummed mysteriously. Lan Jingyi tensed, his spine instantly straightening as he paled. “They don’t take challenges like that lightly.”
“Th-there aren’t any ghosts here!” Jingyi squeaked, glancing between Sizhui and Jin Ling before finally looking at Young Master Jiang from the corner of his eye. “R-right? There’s no ghosts here? You wouldn’t let ghosts hang around... right?”
“Who knows,” Young Master Jiang hummed thoughtfully. “These docks have seen many tragedies...”
Lan Jingyi swallowed thickly. He didn’t think a ghost would be able to survive within the wards of Lotus Pier, and even if it could he didn’t think one would stick around with so many cultivators about. He knew of the burning of Lotus Pier, and of how many people died in the attack, but it didn’t seem logical for one of the five major sects to allow spirits to linger without helping them pass on.
Just as he was about to pick his bowl up again, Jingyi felt a cold breeze against the back of his neck. A scream built up in the back of his throat as his mind instantly turned to the topic of ghosts. He could almost imagine the spectral fingers trailing along his nape, their noncorporeal touches causing goosebumps to erupt along his skin.
He let out an undignified squeal and threw himself at the nearest person, clinging to them as he tried to control his rapid heartbeat. He searched for the source of the breeze but didn’t sense any sort of once-living energy in the area. Cracking an eye open, he was greeted with the horrifying sight of both Lan Sizhui and Jin Ling desperately attempting to hold back their laughter.
“Did you really think it was a ghost?” Young Master Jiang asked, his voice rumbling through Jingyi’s chest from how closely they were pressed together. “As if we would let a ghost stick around without helping it move on...”
“Jingyi, Young Master Jiang blew on your neck to tease you.” Lan Sizhui explained, his normally composed demeanor trembling in an attempt to remain calm. Given how tears were beginning to form in the corners of his eyes, Jingyi could tell that his friend was enjoying his torment far too much.
“How cruel-” He tried to rip himself out of Young Master Jiang’s arms only to trip on his own robes, the hem having gotten tucked under his foot in his mad scramble to get away from the ‘ghost’.
“Careful.” Young Master Jiang caught him easily, holding him so delicately that it made Jingyi’s heart flip in his chest.
“Th-Thank you, Sect Leader Jiang.” Lan Jingyi could feel his ears burning. Despite having gained his center of gravity once again, Young Master Jiang didn’t release his hold on Jingyi’s waist.”
“Wanyin,” The younger man said. “Call me Wanyin. This Sect Leader business pisses me off.”
“Young Master Wanyin-”
“Just Wanyin.” Jiang Wanyin ordered. Lan Jingyi couldn’t stop himself from nodding, feeling stunned.
“Alright, Just Wanyin,” He heard himself saying. Jiang Wanyin jumped, and in doing so finally released his hold on the older man. “This one will do better in the future.”
“That’s not- you know I didn’t mean-” Jiang Wanyin spluttered, earning a howl of laughter from his loving nephew.
“You walked right into that one, Uncle,” Jin Ling grinned wide. “Better not give that dumb ass any more material though. He’ll never let you live it down.”
“Yet another thing he learned from you, I’m guessing.” Jiang Wanyin huffed as Jingyi finally fell back into his seat.
“Which he, in turn, learned from you, Young Master Jiang.” Lan Sizhui reminded him kindly.
“In my own home,” Wanyin shook his head disapprovingly, which only made the trio at the table snicker more. “Such disrespect... I can’t believe this.”
“What are you going to do?” Jingyi found it was far too easy to tease Wanyin, now that he knew that the younger man had the same sense of humor as his nephew. It was if they were old friends, and the thought made his heart flip. “Punish us?”
“And if I did?” Jiang Wanyin asked, raising a single eyebrow. Jingyi immediately fell silent, his lips pursing in an attempt to keep another smart-ass response at bay.
Jingyi decided, instead of rising to Wanyin’s challenge, to pick up his bowl and continue his breakfast. The rest of the meal passed with easy conversation flowing between them. He found himself laughing loudly at the way Wanyin could easily rile up his nephew, who in turn shot back equally as targeted comments. It felt so natural to sit there with them, like Wanyin was always supposed to be a part of his life like this.
The untouchable Sandu-Shengshou was like an idol - standing on a mountain too far away to reach. Someone Jingyi constantly tried to run after but always fell short before he could even reach the man’s shadow. Jiang Wanyin, on the other hand, felt like another part of Jingyi’s soul - like he was an extension of his own laughter, his own smiles, his own scowls.
It felt right to have Jiang Wanyin sitting beside him, and that scared him.
He knew Lans were cursed to only ever fall in love once, and that love was doomed from the start more than it was ever meant to be happy. It was something that haunted him, and made him keep his distance from anyone he thought he might develop feelings for. There was a reason Sizhui and Jin Ling were his only friends.
Jingyi had attached himself to Sizhui at an age so young he didn’t even know what love was yet. Despite the years they shared together, Jingyi knew he would never be able to see Sizhui as anything more than a brother - in this life, at least. Sizhui was an extension of himself as well, his right hand and the breath behind his chuckles. Jin Ling was another story. He had irritated Jingyi so much at the start that he was convinced they would never be able to exist in the same room without trying to rip each other's throats out. Looking back, he still wasn’t sure what exactly marked the change in their dynamic.
Their taunting turned teasing, and the sharp words they exchanged softened. Before he even realized it, Jin Ling had become his left hand. Jin Ling was the shouts behind his blows and the righteousness behind his anger. He was another part of Jingyi - one he couldn’t imagine living without.
They were both so important to him, but he never once thought about the possibility of falling in love with them. They were a part of who he was, but they never made him fear the curse that ran through his veins.
Wanyin on the other hand... was someone Lan Jingyi could see himself falling in love with very quickly. The way Wanyin’s scowl would switch to a grin in the blink of an eye, and the way he countered the teasing from them with teasing of his own. The way he fit into their merry band of misfits as if he was meant to have been there from the start. The way he was so careful with them, even while berating them. It was a dangerous concoction of things that made Jingyi’s heartbeat just a tad faster.
It turned Jingyi into a walking contradiction - it made him want to run away and stay forever. It made him want to solve this mystery and leave it to rot at the same time. He wanted to return Wanyin’s years and he wanted to keep Wanyin as he was currently, so that he would never have to let the younger man go. He wanted to laugh and cry at the situation he had found himself in.
The worst was how he could glance over at Jiang Wanyin, laughing or scowling at something someone said, and still see the broken look on the younger man's face from the day before. He hated how Wanyin's expression had crumbled when Jingyi moved away from the sudden embrace, a single tears running down his cheek. It confused Jingyi, how the sight continued to stab and tear and rip holes in his heart.
“Are you alright?” A hand on his shoulder made him flinch a little.
“Mhm? Yeah, just thinking.” He hummed, putting his empty bowl down.
“Dangerous hobby.” Sizhui nodded solemnly.
“I thought I smelled smoke...” Jin Ling sniffed the air.
“Don’t hurt yourself too much,” Wanyin offered a look of faux sympathy. “You only have so many thoughts. We wouldn’t want you to use them all up now.”
“I have no friends,” Lan Jingyi lamented loudly as he stood. He pretended to swoon, placing the back of his hand against his forehead as he closed his eyes. “I’ve been abandoned-”
He cut himself off abruptly when he felt arms around his waist. Opening his eyes, he was shocked to see Jiang Wanyin’s face close enough to his own to notice the faint freckling that painted the younger man’s skin. Jingyi realized it must have been from living in the Yunmeng sun, but the sight was still awe inducing.
“S-sorry,” Wanyin spluttered, putting a short distance between them. The sudden lack of contact made Jingyi frown. The fact that it made him frown only made him frown harder. “I thought you were going to fall...”
“Those two would have just let me fall on my ass,” Lan Jingyi laughed, trying to cover how it trembled with a bright grin. “You’re already so much kinder to me, Wanyin. How can this one ever repay you?”
“Keep giving me material to bully Jin Ling with and we’ll be even,” Wanyin said after a beat. If Jingyi didn’t know any better, he might have thought Wanyin was blushing, but he quickly disregarded the notion. “I think it’s a fair trade.”
“It’s your own blood,” Jin Ling shook his head, also rising to his feet. “Never letting me live a day of peace.”
“Have some respect,” Wanyin growled, but there was no real animosity behind it. If anything, it only made Jin Ling smirk more. Wanyin sighed when he realized he wasn’t going to intimidate his nephew into behaving any more than he could with Sizhui or Jingyi and instead turned to look at the three of them. “We should be heading out. I’m sure Wei Wuxian is pacing a hole in the floor as we speak.”
True to Wanyin’s prediction, the moment they stepped out into the open they heard thundering footsteps approaching them.
“There you are!” Senior Wei grinned as he dashed right up to them. “Lan Zhan and I have been waiting for ages! We need to head out if we’re going to find this goddess.”
“We’re coming,” Wanyin huffed, his usual smirk hidden by something painfully fond. “I can’t believe you haven’t changed at all.”
“Ah... I’ve changed more than you know,” Senior Wei’s smile turned wry. It made Jingyi’s brows furrow a smidge. “But I try to remain true to myself, despite all the ways I had to erase who I was.”
“Baba-”
“Enough of that!” Senior Wei laughed and waved off Sizhui’s concern. It was something the older man had gotten very good at over the years. “Let’s get this show on the road, shall we?”
The woods didn’t look any different from how Jingyi remembered, which shouldn’t have been a surprise. It had been less than a day since he woke up in them, lost and confused, but for some reason he almost expected them to have changed somehow. Senior Wei and Hanguang-Jun led the group, the two murmuring to one another as the younger members of the party trailed behind them. No one else dared speak, as if their voices alone could be enough to scare the goddess back into hiding.
“That’s most of the east side of the forest,” Senior Wei hummed. He glanced at a paper in his husband’s hands. “Mapping out a place like this is tricky. We’re lucky the YunmengJiang disciples always take the same paths around the trees.”
The paper was indeed a map, a spiderweb of haphazard lines depicting the various footpaths that bobbed and weaved between trunks and through bushes. While it was difficult to follow, it wasn’t impossible. What made it hard was how nature had worked its magic, reclaiming many of the recorded paths, causing their party to stumble across more than one dead end.
“Jingyi, do you happen to remember where you woke up?” Lan Sizhui asked.
“Not really,” His shoulders dropped. He wished he could be of more help. “I was pretty freaked out and ended up wandering quite a bit but if we come across something familiar I’ll let you know.”
“It was worth a shot.” Jin Ling shrugged, continuing down the path.
“Wanyin...” Jingyi murmured, grabbing onto the younger man’s sleeve to signal to him to fall behind a little. Jiang Wanyin hummed, telling Jingyi that he was listening even if he wasn’t looking at him. “Are you really okay with the prospect of not getting your years back?”
“I don’t have much of a choice,” Wanyin said softly. “If we absolutely can’t return me back to my original age, there isn’t anything I can do about it. My only option would be to accept it and try to take it in stride.”
“You’re really backed into a corner, huh?” Jingyi asked, but it wasn’t as much of a question as it was a statement.
“From the sound of things, I’ve been backed into a corner for a long time,” Wanyin replied after a beat. “This is just a new corner.”
Lan Jingyi didn’t have anything to say to that. He recalled the feeling of terror that had rolled through his body when Jin Ling had finally revealed why Jiang Wanyin was the way that he was. The younger man was right - he had been backed into a corner long before Jingyi himself was even born. The events of the goddess’ meddling only nudged him into a different corner to press his back against.
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Wanyin sighed, looking a little lost. Jingyi yearned to reach out and take the younger man’s hand but refrained. He was still holding onto Wanyin’s sleeve, and for the time being that was enough. “It’s not your fault I almost did something stupid.”
“No, I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you cry,” The guilt had been squashed down as far as he could make it go, but over the course of their breakfast, images of the tears staining Wanyin’s cheeks the first time Jingyi saw him the day before haunted him. “I... I don’t know what it was, but I’m sorry.”
“You-” Wanyin cut himself off, scowling at a nearby tree. “You didn’t do anything wrong... I was the one who- anyway, whatever happened to you in the forest isn’t your fault either. We’re going to solve this, for both of our sakes.”
“From the sound of it, this goddess takes away something that hurts you,” Jingyi felt himself frowning. It wasn’t as much of a purposeful movement but rather an extension of the turmoil he was feeling inside. “What if... what if I don’t want it back? You need to get your years back, but what if...”
“We’ll figure it out when the time comes,” Wanyin didn’t push him to finish his sentence, which Jingyi was grateful for. He wasn’t even sure what he would have said next, if he was being honest. Wanyin noticed Jingyi’s silence and glanced at him. “Together, yeah?”
“Mhm, together.” He agreed, the promise tasting both sweet and bitter on his tongue.
They continued to follow after the others, their eyes peeled for anything that might be a clue towards finding the forgotten goddess, but all they saw were trees and bushes and leaves. There was nothing out of the ordinary and the repetition of their surroundings was beginning to make Jingyi’s head throb in time with his heart.
“Wait,” He paused, eyes widening when he caught a particular detail. “I think I know where we are.”
“Really?” Senior Wei looked at him, encouraging him to speak up.
“That tree has a weird knot in it,” He pointed at the tree in question. It did, indeed, have a strangely shaped knot in the trunk, the blemish breaking up the otherwise markless bark. It was twisted, like a navel, with what appeared to have a single, green branch growing from the center of it. “I remember thinking how strange it looked when I woke up.”
“We’re getting close then.” Hanguang-Jun’s voice made everyone pause.
“That’s good, right?” Jin Ling chimed in, sounding anxious. “It means we’re closer to finding the goddess.”
“Some things don’t wish to be found,” Hanguang-Jun said gently. “We may stumble upon them in our time of need, but when we go searching, it hides.”
“Maybe Wanyin should try speaking to her?” Jingyi suggested. “She was willing to help him the first time. Maybe his voice will be enough to make her curious.”
“It’s worth a shot, I suppose,” Wanyin shot Jingyi a strange look, as if asking the older man for reassurance. Lan Jingyi did the best he could, smiling warmly at him and tugging on his sleeve a few times. “Um... hello? I’m- you helped me before... when I was about to do something dire. We- we came to speak to you, if you’d be willing to hear us out.”
They fell silent, keeping their breathing quiet as they strained their ears. They could hear the breeze dancing through the leaves and the animals hidden within the branches, but other than that there were no other sounds.
“We don’t mean you any harm,” Wanyin continued. “We simply wish to speak.”
“Maybe she’s further in-” Senior Wei began to suggest when a shiver ran down each of their spines.
Why did you search for me?
“We wish to speak to you,” Jiang Wanyin repeated, his tone noticeably softer. “I... I wished to thank you.”
I do not require thanks
“But I wish to give it anyway,” Wanyin looked around but he couldn’t see any signs of where the voice could be coming from. “You saved my life. I was... desperate for an escape, and was ready to go to an extreme measure to find it.”
You were hurting so badly... all I’ve ever wanted to do was stop people’s pain
“You did!” Wanyin didn’t like how his stomach twisted at the edge of sorrow in the deity’s voice. “You did stop my pain. You’ve given me a gift I could never repay you for.”
I ask not for payment, only that you live well
“I understand that it was a gift, but please... I beg you to hear me out.”
I’m listening
“You took away my years because it was that time that-that broke me,” Jiang Wanyin could feel his throat sting. “It was those years that caused me to scar and bleed and cry... you brought me back to an age where I was happy again, but you took something else very important to me.”
I don’t understand
“Those years caused me pain, yes, but they also brought me joy,” Wanyin couldn’t help but glance at Jin Ling, who was staring at him openly. “By taking those years from me, you took away the moments I spent raising my nephew. You took away the memories of those I once held dear. I lost so many people, but their memories lived on in me. Now, they’re gone, as if they never existed in the first place. Memories of my mother and my father saving my life. Of my sister getting married and giving birth... it’s all gone.”
If I return your years, you will only hurt more
“What is life without hurt?” He asked her. “What is living without the pain of existence? We need to hurt in order to live. We cannot survive without it.”
You will fall back into the darkness that I found you in
“I don’t think I will,” He argued. “Not this time. Before... before I was all alone. I didn’t have anyone to help me - I didn’t have anyone to bandage my wounds. Now it’s different. Your gift gave me something invaluable. I have people who love me, and will fight to see me happy. If you return my years, I won’t fall back into that darkness because I have people to hold me up.”
I’ve never had someone ask to have their pain returned to them
“Well, I’ve always strived to attempt the impossible,” Wanyin said wryly. Wei Wuxian made a sound that could have been a snort or a muffled gasp. “Is it possible? To have my years returned?”
Not easily
“What do you mean?”
I don’t know if I can let them go. I’ve never had to do it before
“Let them go- are you still holding onto all the pain you’ve taken away from people?” He felt his stomach drop. It had been generations since she had been worshiped, which means she spent all that time alone while also internalizing every ailment and ounce of hurt she removed. “Does-does it hurt you to do that?”
No one’s ever asked me that before
“Does it?”
In a sense it does, but it also doesn’t. Knowing I was able to help those who cared for me is salve enough
“If... if you return Wanyin’s years to him, will your burden lessen?” Jingyi found himself asking. There was a shudder in the air, as if the goddess was physically reacting to the question.
I was asleep for a long time. Until I was awoken to save him, I believed I would remain asleep until I died out. It was never a burden, but it is heavy. I cannot survive for much longer now that I am awake again
“That would explain why no one knew anything about her,” Wei Wuxian said to himself. “I thought it was strange that disciples would hunt back here but never have any encounters.”
Then the other boy came to me
“Jingyi?” Wanyin couldn’t help but turn to look at the man in question. Jingyi felt his eyes widen at being addressed by the deity.
He was hurting... It was a different sort of pain, but also similar. It wasn’t a physical pain...it was one of the heart
“What...?” Lan Jingyi’s lungs seemed to stop working.
“You said you don’t require payment, but what if we did a trade,” Jiang Wanyin tried to reason with her. “You held onto our pain for us, so allow us to take it back from you. If you’re hurting, we want to help you as well.”
Take away my pain?
“We’re like you,” Lan Jingyi tried. “We don’t want to see you hurting either. Especially not because of us.”
I cannot give your time back the way you would think
“Any way you can we’ll accept,” Wanyin swore. “Let us help you.”
It would take the last of my power to do so. I will cease to exist once I do
“You’ve been helping people for such a long time,” Jingyi’s eyes stung. “If... if you want to rest, allow us to help you. We’re cultivators, it’s our honor to aid those who deserve to move on.”
You are good children... if more people were like you, there would be less pain in the world
“There are more like us,” Jingyi cried out. “Maybe not everyone, but there are alot of people who want to help others... We work and fight and bleed in order to make the world a better place for those who are weak or scared or hurting.”
That makes me happy... humans are special creatures. They deserve to live happily
“Thank you,” Jiang Wanyin murmured softly. “For caring so much for us... we won’t forget this. We may not have your name, but your actions and your sacrifice will be known across the land for generations to come.”
I’ll be remembered again...
“It’s alright,” Jingyi felt a tear run down his cheek. “You can rest now. We’ll take care of you.”
Please... live well. Grow from your pain and find happiness... for my sake
“We will. We swear it.”
The goddess fell silent for a moment. Jingyi looked around, wondering how the deity was going to return their time as the silence continued to stretch out. After several beats of nothing happening, he turned to open his mouth only for the air to grow warm.
“What’s going on?” Jin Ling whispered, taking a step back. The warmth in the air continued to rise, sweat instantly making Jingyi’s robes stick to his skin as he gravitated closer to the nearest person - Wanyin.
No one drew their weapons, but the lines of their body grew taut as they tried to determine if they needed to be preparing for a fight.
As the temperature increased, so did the light filtering through the leaves. They had been protected by a canopy of trees but now the sun seemed to be increasing in intensity. They shielded their eyes as the light got painfully bright, their vision going white.
“What the hell just happened...?” Jin Ling growled as the white spots began to fade from Lan Jingyi’s sight. Jingyi used his fist to scrub his eyes only to realize there was something in his hand.
“Huh?” Wanyin’s sound of surprise made Jingyi look over only to see the younger man holding something. Going over, Lan Jingyi saw Wanyin cupping a glass marble in his palms, the glass colored with swirls of purple, red, and black. It was easily the size of a chicken’s egg but shaped like a perfect circle and seemed to have a slight glow coming from its center.
Jingyi looked down in his own hand to see a glass marble of his own. It was barely the size of a lotus seed and colored with blues and pinks. The glow from within was dim compared to Wanyin’s, but it was there nonetheless.
Be happy... and thank you
Her voice was faint, and after she finished speaking the air of the forest changed. It wasn’t clear if it was lighter or heavier, but it was certainly different.
The Forgotten Goddess was gone.
Notes:
Shoutout to my dear friend Mer who allowed me to ramble in their DMs to figure out exactly which ending this fic was going to get. Before I wrote the last page or so of this chapter, it was like a chose your own adventure book with how many options I had for finishing the plot 💀 maybe at the end I'll toss the other options into the end note so y'all can see how it could have ended 👀
That being said, this marks the march towards the end of this fic 🥲 I had only planned for it being two or three chapters at most, but it just kept writing itself, as fics are liable to do lmao. I'm already trying to think of the next MDZS fic I want to write and I don't have any clear plots in mind so if anyone wants to see something written, let me know! I can try to work it into something that matches my style of hurt/comfort
Chapter 10: Return to GusuLan
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
“Well... what do we do with these?” Lan Jingyi asked as he stared down at his palm where the marble had begun to lose its glow. No one spoke, and it seemed as though even the forest itself was holding its breath.
“Break them?” Jin Ling suggested, sounding far away.
“That could cause them to lose their time for good,” Lan Sizhui pointed out. “We don’t know how they work, and destroying them would make it so we never find out.”
“So what do we do now?” Jiang Wanyin asked, but no one had an answer for him.
“We could go back to the Cloud Recesses?” Wei Wuxian offered, not sounding very sure of the suggestion himself. “This is pretty uncharted territory, but if anyone might have some sort of record of something even remotely similar, it’ll be the Lans.”
“I can send a message to Uncle to prepare for our arrival,” Lan Wangji offered. “If we fly, we could arrive by dinner tomorrow.”
“Any objections?” Wei Wuxian asked the group, his eyes lingering on his brother.
“What... what about Lotus Pier?” Jiang Wanyin muttered, his eyes never once leaving the glass marble in his hands. “I... I can’t just-just leave it unattended.”
“Your second in command has been keeping things under control for the last few days,” Wei Wuxian informed him. Jiang Wanyin knew this, of course, but it was hard to imagine someone who was essentially a stranger to him being left in charge while he went galavanting off to another sect. “He can handle things for a few more.”
“What if it takes more than a few days?”
“Then we’ll send you back while Lan Zhan and I stay home to keep looking!” Wei Wuxian grinned. “Who knows, maybe there will be something right under our noses here, just waiting for us to find it!”
“If you send me back, but you stay behind, what will the others do?” Jiang Wanyin finally looked up to scan the other three young cultivators, his eyes latching onto Jingyi and not leaving his face.
“I suppose they can do whatever they choose,” Wei Wuxian didn’t miss how his brother’s ears warmed as Lan Jingyi didn’t break the strange staring contest they suddenly seemed to be engaged in. “If they wish to stay back in Gusu with us to keep researching, they’re more than welcome to.”
“Sizhui can handle that!” Jingyi grinned at Wanyin, his eyes turning up. “I’ve never been good at studying, so I’ll come bother you here!”
“You’d- you’d be comfortable coming back to Lotus Pier with me?” Jiang Wanyin’s voice caught faintly. “If Jin Ling decides to stay in Gusu, it would just be the two of us-”
“I’m going to be honest with you,” Lan Jingyi’s smile faded a little. “I don’t know what the goddess took from me, or why, but even with the last few days missing I can tell we were meant to be friends. You... you were meant to be in my life, in one way or another. Even if it’s just as Jin Ling’s uncle, or as someone I hold close to my heart... I don’t know which, but I know with complete certainty you’re not getting rid of me that easily.”
Lan Jingyi wished he could lie to himself and say he didn’t know where the words were coming from, but it wasn’t in his nature to lie easily. The beginning of breakfast that morning had been painfully awkward, but they fell into a cadence that was as familiar at the beat of his own heart. He always admired Sect Leader Jiang, but looking back there had always been something that drew Jingyi to the older man.
He suddenly recalled the first discussion conference he had been allowed to attend. It had been in Lanling, and the golden city was as beautiful as it was terrifying to him. He had only just been given his sword and his courtesy name before he was whisked away to meet all manner of officials and important people. He had been too young to really understand what being an heir really meant, but he knew it was crucial for him to represent his clan properly. If the warnings from Grandmaster Qiren to behave weren’t enough, the way Hanguang-Jun’s eyes seemed to follow his every move would have told him to be careful.
Jingyi, despite his best efforts, managed to get lost pretty early on. He had been trying to find a bathroom and took a wrong turn. He immediately felt like an idiot - why did he so confidently tell Hanguang-Jun that he could find his way on his own!? He would have to track someone down and explain his shame! There would be no way Grandmaster and Hanguang-Jun wouldn’t hear of his blunder!
What if he was disowned for this? The older kids - not the Lans themselves, but the guests and the children of those who came into the clan - told him over and over again how each mistake he made was one step closer to him being kicked out of the Cloud Recesses, stripped of his forehead ribbon. Each punishment, each reprimand was just another stepping stone in the path of being forced from his home. He had been too young to see the fallacies they were spinning for the sick satisfaction they got when he cried. All he heard were words from mouths that he hadn’t yet been taught could lie.
“Why are you crying?” A voice made Jingyi cry even harder. “Wh- why are you getting louder now that I’m here?”
“D-d-don’t tell them!” He sobbed, his white sleeves stained with desperate tears. “I don’t w-w-w-wanna be kicked-kicked out!”
“Kicked out?” The voice growled. Jingyi was crying too hard to be able to see who was kneeling in front of him, but he could make out a blurry outline. “You’re a Lan, aren’t you? A direct descent too, judging by your ribbon...”
The person trailed off, as if they were talking more to themselves than to Jingyi.
“P-p-please...”
“I won’t snitch,” The person swore, placing a hand on Lan Jingyi’s shoulder. The hand was heavy and scalding, the heat instantly soaking through his robes. He found himself leaning into the touch, desperate for any kind of comfort. “What happened? Where’s Hanguang-Jun? It’s not like him to let one of his disciples wander about.”
“I-I asked to-to go to the bath-bathroom by myself,” Jingyi explained as he cried. “But- but I got lost and now-now they’re going to-to disown me-”
“No one’s going to disown anyone,” The person cut him off. “Especially not for something like this. Carp Tower is a damn maze, even to adults.”
“Do not interrupt someone while they’re speaking,” Lan Jingyi muttered without thinking. “Do not use foul language.”
The person froze, the hand suddenly disappearing from his shoulder. At the loss of the comfort, Lan Jingyi’s eyes flew open just in time to see Sandu-Shengshou’s face break into an amused smile. The man chuckled, running a hand down his face. In any other situation, Jingyi would have read the gesture as ‘frustration’ but because of the smile on the man’s lips, he instead read it as ‘amusement’. Lan Jingyi had thought Sandu-Shengshou looked so grown up, but recalling the memory as an adult himself, he realized Sect Leader Jiang hadn’t been much older than himself at the time.
“You Lans are something else,” Sandu- Shengshou chuckled again, letting his hand drop as he looked at Lan Jingyi. “Come on kid, let’s get you back to the festivities. I’m sure your Hanguang-Jun will be tearing the place apart looking for you any minute now.”
“This one is sorry, Sandu-Shengshou...” Lan Jingyi felt shame paint the back of his neck. His eyes burned, this time from embarrassment. He wished for the gilded floor to crack open and swallow him whole. None of this would have happened if he hadn’t been such a bad Lan - if he hadn’t been born into his clan, this wouldn’t be happening.
If Lan Jingyi had never been born, things would be better-
“I don’t want to hear that,” Sandu-Shengshou huffed, unknowingly cutting off Lan Jingyi’s thoughts. “Especially not from you. Come on, we’re going to miss the feast.”
Lan Jingyi sniffled and nodded, trying to dry the tears from his cheeks that wouldn't lose their roundness for many years to come when suddenly the world seemed to shift around him. He tried to hold back a squeal with some success only to realize he was now several feet taller.
“Now, where did that asshole seat you guys?” Sandu-Shengshou asked himself as he easily carried Lan Jingyi in his arms. Jingyi was far too old to be held, even if he was slightly smaller than most kids his age.
“Wh-what are you doing?” He asked.
“Taking you back to Hanguang-Jun,” The man scoffed. “What does it look like I’m doing?”
“This one can walk!” Lan Jingyi kept perfectly still, afraid that the man might drop him if he squirmed too much. “Please don’t-”
“A-Ling ordered me to carry him around until he was thirty years old,” Sandu-Shengshou huffed another chuckle. “And until he decides he wants to take that order back, I have no choice but to do so... it’s no problem to carry you too. Besides, you were crying pretty hard. I know A-Ling gets dizzy when he cries too much.”
“A-Ling?”
“Jin Ling, my nephew,” There was so much pride in the man’s voice. It made Jingyi wonder if anyone would ever say his name like that. He had only heard his name said with resignation or anger for most of his life, when he would break a rule and get in trouble. He wished Sandu-Shengshou was his uncle too. Maybe then someone would finally be proud of him. “He’s here somewhere... the little brat always tries to get out of gatherings like this but if he’s going to be Sect Leader he’s going to have to get used to it.”
“How old is he?” Lan Jingyi found himself asking.
“A little younger than you,” The man hummed. “Maybe you could be friends... gods know how bad he is at talking to the kids in Carp Tower.”
“Is he mean?”
“He’s too much like his Uncle,” He shook his head. “His younger Uncle... if he was like his elder Uncle he’d have to beat people off with a stick.”
“Who’s his elder Uncle?”
“Jingyi?” Hanguang-Jun’s voice interrupted before Lan Jignyi could get his answer.
“He’s fine,” Sandu-Shengshou growled. “This place is a maze, so both of you be careful.”
“Thank you for finding him and bringing him back safe,” Hanguang-Jun bowed his head as Sandu-Shengshou placed Lan Jingyi back on his feet. “GusuLan gives its deepest gratitude.”
“Whatever,” The man scoffed, crossing his arms. “I don’t give a shit what GusuLan thinks about me.”
“Do not use foul language.” Lan Jingyi scolded the man, smoothing his face into his best Hanguang-Jun impression. It had been done in hopes that it would make the older man take him seriously, but instead it served to make Sandu-Shengshou smile and huff another amused chuckle.
Even though it wasn’t the reaction he had intended, Lan Jingyi found himself breaking out into a wide, bright grin. Sandu-Shengshou blinked before huffing and turning away.
Lan Jingyi had heard stories of Sandu-Shengshou, about how he was strong and brave and stood so tall, and in that moment he learned they weren’t just stories. He really was that strong. He really was as tall as a mountain as he lifted Lan Jingyi up higher than he had ever been.
It had been his first ever discussion conference when Lan Jingyi’s admiration for the purple clad cultivator began.
Now he was staring at an eighteen year old Jiang Wanyin, who wasn’t even old enough to be called Sandu-Shengshou. A Jiang Wanyin who was staring at him with such an open expression that it made something in his chest crack.
“Jingyi-” Jiang Wanyin choked out only for Wei Wuxian to interrupt.
“Let’s get back to Lotus Pier,” He said, his tone a tad too chipper to match the tension in the air. “Lan Zhan can send that message as we pack. If we hustle, we can leave before lunch.”
No one had any complaints. They made their way back through the woods, the marble in Jingyi’s hand feeling both weightless and as heavy as the sky itself in his palm. He couldn’t even imagine how heavy Wanyin’s must be, with over two decades stored within the swirling colors.
Holding the marble close to his chest, he had a sinking feeling that this mystery was far from over.
“This is a good place to make camp!” Wei Wuxian called over the rush of the wind. It had been a while since they departed from Lotus Pier - the exact stretch of time, Lan Jingyi wasn’t sure.
He had always been bad at estimating time, which had gotten him in trouble on several instances - he thought he had only been gone for an hour when in reality he had disappeared for the whole afternoon, or he packed up his punishment because he believed he had fulfilled the time requirement for the day only to be scolded for trying to skip out before his punishment was complete.
Tilting his sword down, he began his descent to the solid ground below them. His core was beginning to ache a little, as it always did when he flew for long stretches of time, or when he pushed himself too much in training. The ache was similar to that of a pulled muscle, faint and pulsing but not overwhelming. He knew after a few hours of rest he would be ready to fly again with no issue.
They set up camp quickly and efficiently, each working quietly as they did their separate duties. Normally Lan Jingyi would be talking his two companion’s ears off as they worked, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. His mind was too preoccupied with everything that had happened in the last day to even consider opening his mouth.
“You’re too quiet.” Jiang Wanyin said, making Jingyi jump. Looking up, he realized he had wandered a short distance from the others in an attempt to gather firewood.
“Normally that would be a reason to rejoice,” He chuckled as he picked up another branch. Another good part of this region being in its dry season was the kindling he came across was burnable. He hated using talismans to dry out damp wood. “Most of the elders would probably go into Qi Deviation if they heard someone refer to me as quiet.”
“Yeah, because it’s weird and unsettling,” Wanyin rolled his eyes as he bent down to pick up some sticks as well. “What’s on your mind?”
“Ah, don’t worry about me,” Jingyi winced. He hadn’t realized how obvious he had been. “I’ve just been... thinking about stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“I wouldn’t want to bore Wanyin with the specifics,” Lan Jingyi let out an awkward chuckle. “It’s nothing exciting.”
“I would still like to know, if you’d be willing to share with me,” Jiang Wanyin’s voice was soft. It made that dangerous warmth in Jingyi’s chest grow. “Even if it’s stupid, or boring... I want to know what goes on in your head.”
“You think too highly of this one,” Jingyi turned away. His arms were getting full but he didn’t want to return to camp just yet. “If something worth sharing comes to mind, I’ll be sure to find you.”
“Jingyi... what if you don’t like what your lost days bring back?”
“What?” He almost dropped the sticks in his arms.
“I’ve been worrying about it myself, but the pros outweigh the cons in my situation,” He explained as he continued collecting kindling. “Sure I’ll remember everything that hurt me, but I’ll also remember all the good times too. Plus this time, I won’t have to shoulder the whole burden by myself. That makes me more confident in my decision to take back my years. You, on the other hand... you must have been desperate for the pain to stop for you to accept the Goddess’ help and it scares me to think that-that I could have been the source of that pain.”
“How could it have been you?” Lan Jingyi bit back a hysteric laugh. He had a sinking suspicion it had something to do with Jiang Wanyin, but he didn’t want it confirmed. The warmth in his chest whenever he heard Wanyin laugh, or saw the younger man’s scowl soften when he looked at Jingyi was enough of a warning. “I’ve been through a lot in my life. It could have been anything.”
“So why did she only bring you back to before you met me like this?”
“I...” His throat felt dry. “I don’t know.”
“If you end up not liking what you remember...” He trailed off, coming to a stop. He appeared to be scanning the treeline for more sticks but Jingyi was close enough to see how the younger man’s eyes were glassy and unseeing. “Please don’t hate this one too much, Lan Jingyi. I know I’ve made mistakes, but it’s like I said to you yesterday. It didn’t mean nothing to me... and I’ll make it up to you somehow.”
“I don’t think I could ever hate you,” He said without thinking. He still didn’t know what Wanyin meant about ‘it’ not meaning nothing, or what the younger man could have possibly done to warrant needing to make it up to Jingyi. “Whatever happened to make me accept her help... it’s of my own fault - no one else’s. You couldn’t have done something worse than whatever I did to myself.”
“I-”
“We should be getting back,” He couldn’t bear to hear whatever Wanyin was thinking, the look on the younger man’s face telling him as much. “I don’t think either of us can carry much more and it’s getting dark.”
“Mhm...” Jiang Wanyin hummed in reluctant agreement. Without another word the two made their way back to camp, where a small fire was dancing merrily as it ate the kindling that had been gathered nearby.
“Welcome back you two,” Wei Wuxian teased as he went over to relieve Lan Jingyi of some of his burden. “We were getting worried that you had gotten lost!”
“Yeah... lost.” Jin Ling grumbled, rolling his eyes. Lan Sizhui elbows him harshly in the ribs but the young sect leader, in that moment at least, had enough of a thick face to hold back his yelp.
“We, uh... gathered a decent amount of firewood,” Lan Jingyi chuckled, not looking anyone in the eye. “Hopefully it’ll be enough for the night.”
“This should be plenty,” Hanguang-Jun hummed, going over to where Lan Jingyi was standing. The older man looked at him for a moment before placing a large palm on the top of his head.
“Good work.”
“Th-thank you!” Jingyi flushed, fighting back a goofy grin. Hanguang-Jun always encouraged them when they were younger, but he was rarely so open with his praise.
“A-Yi, can I speak with you for a moment?” Lan Sizhui tugged on Jingyi’s sleeve. Jingyi grimaced slightly - people only ever called him that when they were being delicate with him. It wasn’t that he disliked it, necessarily, but it made him dread the conversation.
Without waiting for a proper response, Lan Sizhui tugged him just far away enough that they wouldn’t be overheard but still close enough that the fire was in sight. Lan Jingyi steeled his nerves for whatever his friend wanted to speak to him about.
“I think we both know what the goddess took from you.” Sizhui said after a moment of nerve wracking silence.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He stumbled over his words. Curse the Lan rules about lying! Even something as simple as a fib was enough to make him trip over himself.
“You love Young Master Jiang.” Sizhui looked at him with a heartbroken expression. It said all the things the other man wasn’t - you love him and it’s hurting you. You love him enough to want to forget. You were hurting and there wasn’t anything I could do to help you. You were hurting enough to do something so drastic and I wasn’t there for you.
“I-” He wanted to say that he didn’t understand why Sizhui would say something so insane but that would be a lie. He hung his head in shame before dropping down to a crouch, bringing his arms up around his head as if to fend off an oncoming attack. “I do...”
“For a while now.”
“Mhm.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Sizhui crouched down next to him, close enough for their shoulders to bump. Jingyi could feel concerned eyes on them, but was beyond grateful when no one tried to come closer.
“Because it was stupid of me to fall in love in the first place,” He muttered. “Let alone with Wanyin... A Lan falling in love with you is worse than being cursed. All it does is bring pain and misery to both parties. I thought... I thought if I held it in, at least I would be the only one being hurt by my foolishness.”
“I think Young Master Jiang is also hurting, regardless of your intentions.”
“Why? It’s not like he knows,” Jingyi spat. “I would never let myself be that obvious... not with this, at least. This is serious.”
“I know it’s serious,” Sizhui’s voice held the timber of a frown. “Jin Ling and I both-”
“Please, gods above please tell me Jin Ling doesn’t know!” Lan Jingyi felt a white-hot flash of shame go through his body. “He’ll never forgive me!”
“He just wants you to be happy,” Sizhui hummed, bumping into Jingyi’s shoulder gently. “Both of you.”
“Why couldn’t she have taken away all of it?” Jingyi whispered after a second. Sizhui hummed in confusion, gently prompting his friend to continue. “I don’t know what happened over the last few days, but why... why couldn’t she have taken all my feelings for him away? I don’t want to live like this. I don’t-I don’t want to live and die coveting something I never had a right to want in the first place.”
“A-Yi-”
“I’m going to bed.” Lan Jingyi stood abruptly, swaying in place for a moment before turning to head back to camp.
“But it’s not nine yet.”
“I’m tired.” He said, voice void of any emotion. He could hear Sizhui following close behind but didn’t bother to glance over his shoulder. As he made his way back to the others, he could feel the unspoken tension in the air. Ignoring all their concerned looks, he pulled out his sleeping roll and set it up just far away enough from the fire that the light wasn’t quite touching it.
“Jingyi, you didn’t eat supper.” Wei Wuxian murmured, going over to the younger man.
“Not hungry.”
“You should still eat a little,” His senior pressed, gently placing a hand on Jingyi’s shoulder. “You’ll need all your strength in the morning if we’re going to make it to Gusu before sunset.”
“I’ll eat in the morning,” Jingyi could feel the frustration leaking into his voice so he took a deep breath to steady himself. “This one thanks Senior Wei for worrying about him, but I really am tired. I just wish to sleep now.”
“Alright...” It was clear Senior Wei didn’t want to back down. “I’ll make sure you have an extra helping of breakfast.”
Lan Jingyi nodded and laid down with his back to the fire. He wasn’t actually tired, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the looks from the others if he stayed up. Nine wasn’t that far off, he told himself as he closed his eyes. Sleep would come eventually, and he would finally be able to escape into the abyss of his dreams for a few short hours.
You stared at him in horror. You couldn’t feel your legs from how long you had been kneeling but that was nothing compared to the pain in your chest.
“We simply cannot allow this to continue,” Grandmaster Qiren growled. His face was mostly obscured by mist, but his voice was unmistakable. “You have done nothing but bring shame and disappointment to the Lan name. As of now, you are no longer associated with our Clan, our sect, or our surname.”
“Grandmaster-” You cried only to be silenced. Your lips stuck together and no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t open your mouth. Sobs built up in your throat only to get stuck, choking you.
“You were never fit to be sect heir,” The man continued, disdain and disgust clear in his voice. “This world would be better without you in it.”
You could feel blood running down your throat from how hard you tried to scream but the silencing spell was too strong. Hands from unseen people were on you, pulling you away from
Grandmaster Qiren and into the mist surrounding you. The hands ripped at your robes, leaving you in just your innermost layer, but it was when the hands reached for your forehead ribbon that you managed to let out a horrified scream.
“NO!” The cry that ripped from your tattered throat made you double over, coughing up lungfuls of black blood. The blood stained your inner robes, dying the white fabric a sickly, deadly shade of deep crimson so dark it looked almost like ink.
Hands were on you again and you tried to fight only to find your arms pinned down at your sides. Sobbing, you continued to writhe even though you knew it was fruitless. Finally you stilled, praying whoever was restraining you would be merciful and put you out of everyone’s misery...
Only they didn’t. Instead, the faceless person holding you began to hum a soft song, the notes vibrating through their chest into yours. They were warm, where they were pressed against your spine, and you found you couldn’t have resisted leaning into that warmth even if you had wanted to.
A low, broken keen crawled out of your throat as you turned to bury your face in the stranger’s chest. Their arms around you tightened and your nose was filled with the scent of lotus and rain and sunlight.
You didn’t know who this person was, but you cried quietly into their robes. Their arms never let you go, and you wished you could just stay there for the rest of your life. You had no home to go back to, no surname to call yourself. Your robes had been stripped from you and your precious forehead ribbon ripped from its rightful place. You had nothing...
But you had this stranger, who was still humming the soft, beautiful song. You turned away from them just enough to let your back rest against their front, the curve of your spine fitting so perfectly against the softness of their chest and stomach.
They continued to hum and you felt safe.
Lan Jingyi cracked an eye open, his body knowing what time it was before he was fully aware of who he even was. He had always been bad at waking up, needing much longer than any of his peers to remember what day it was or how to present himself as a cultivator rather than a beast with a rats nest atop his head. He closed his eyes even though it was all but pitch black around him and groaned, trying to recall why his heart was frantically trying to escape his ribcage.
Something shifted behind him, making him freeze. He didn’t dare move, not knowing what to expect. It couldn’t be an intruder, because Hanguang-Jun and Senior Wei wouldn’t have allowed someone to sneak into their camp unannounced, but it wasn’t Sizhui. Whenever Sizhui would comfort him after a nightmare, he would wrangle Jingyi until he was laying on his lap and card his fingers through Jingyi’s hair until he was calm again. Sizhui had never laid behind him, chest pressed to spine.
He took a deep breath and realized there was an arm thrown over his waist.
It wasn’t Jin Ling, either. Jin Ling had only comforted Jingyi a handful of times, and he always has such a strange way of doing it. Where Lan Sizhui would lay Jingyi down and comfort him, Jin Ling would force his way into Jingyi’s arms, making the older man hold him close. It had taken Jingyi by surprise the first time it happened, but he realized having Jin Ling to hold was grounding, the younger man’s steady warmth and weight in his arms enough to shake the last of the panic from his mind.
So that left-
“It’s too early,” Jiang Wanyin muttered, his breath hitting the back of Jingyi’s neck. “Go back to sleep...”
“Wh-what are you doing?” He whispered, the words barely audible to his own ears.
“You were... having a nightmare,” Wanyin yawned, his arm tightened around Jingyi’s waist before relaxing again. “I couldn’t wake you up so I... I just laid with you until you were calm. I didn’t mean to stay but I-I must have fallen asleep.”
He yawned again, exhaustion written clearly in his words. Jingyi closed his eyes, wondering which gods were watching him and laughing. He could move away, but he could feel the chill in the early morning air.
“Go back to sleep,” He said softly. “It’ll be five soon and we’ll have to clean up quickly so we can keep traveling.”
“Can’t we just stay like this forever?” Wanyin’s words were beginning to slur a little as sleep quickly returned to lay claim on him. “You’re so warm.”
“Thank you, A-Cheng.” Lan Jingyi whispered, pretending his eyes weren’t stinging painfully. He waited, breath held hostage in his lungs, for a response. After a beat, he realized that Jiang Wanyin hadn’t even heard him over the siren’s call of sleep.
Sighing, Lan Jingyi knew he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, even if there was about an hour and half before he would have to rise. He wasn’t entirely sure the exact amount of time, but he could tell the sun was just beginning to wake up which meant sunrise was gaining on them quickly. He settled back down in his sleeping roll, content to just meditate and siphon as much of Wanyin’s heat as he could while he had the chance.
“Morning!” Senior Wei chirped loudly, making Jingyi wince. He scrubbed the sleep from his eyes and scowled faintly when he felt dried drool on his chin. When had he fallen back to sleep? How late had it gotten? The camp was mostly packed up, the fire reduced to nothing more than smouldering ash and the bed rolls neatly stored away in their respective pouches.
Jin Ling was awake, but just barely. He was leaning against Sizhui, his eyes struggling to stay open as the older man murmured softly into his ear. Jin Ling nodded along with whatever his friend was saying, but it almost seemed more like his head was simply falling down as his body tried to demand more rest.
Jiang Wanyin was on the other side of the campsite, checking his wrist cuffs as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. Lan Jingyi could see how the younger man was trying to subtly glance at him from the corner of his eye but he didn’t outright look over at him, which he was grateful for. He was still disoriented from waking up but he was beginning to recall the events of the night.
The nightmare washed over him and he felt his shoulders slump. It wasn’t a new nightmare for him to have, but it stung each and every time. He wished he was like Jin Ling, who never remembered his dreams, or like Lan Sizhui who only recalled bits and pieces but only when he first woke up. No, he unfortunately recalled most if not all of his dreams - particularly his nightmares for some reason. It could never be the good ones, he lamented one morning after Sizhui woke him from a particularly nasty nightmare where they had gone night hunting and he watched his dearest friend be punched through the gut by the fist of a fierce corpse.
“Here,” Senior Wei shoved a bowl into his hands. He fumbled slightly but managed to hold onto it as he looked down, dazed. It was piled high with food, far more than he would have been allowed to eat on a normal day. “Eat up, Jingyi! As soon as you’re done we’re gonna head out.”
“Why did you let me sleep in?” He mumbled as he brought a bite to his mouth. His tongue tasted like ash, courtesy of his habit of sleeping with his mouth open.
“You seemed like you needed it,” The older man hummed. “Especially since you didn't eat supper. Besides, we’re not at the Cloud Recesses yet! Rules don’t have to apply on the road if the circumstances call for it”
“Mhm...” Lan Jingyi hummed, not awake enough to argue. He understood why they strove to uphold the rules, even when away from home. It was a way to maintain composure and decorum, but as he grew and aged he came to understand that they weren’t always able to do so.
He ate as quickly as he could but his stomach began to protest before he could finish the bowl. He hesitated, feeling guilty for wasting the food but knowing he ran the risk of losing his breakfast onto the ground below them as soon as they began flying if he forced himself to eat any more.
“Everything okay?” Jiang Wanyin asked, sitting down beside him. There was a respectable distance between them - close enough that they could touch, if they wanted, but far away enough to seem casual.
“Yeah,” He shrugged a little. “Full... I’m not used to eating this much. Especially not as soon as I wake up. Do you want the rest?”
“Are you sure?” Wanyin blinked at him before glancing at the bowl in his hands.
“Definitely sure,” He nodded. “I have a feeling my lovingly prepared breakfast might make a reappearance if I forced myself to eat anymore before I tried flying.”
“If you’re sure...” Jiang Wanyin trailed off. Lan Jingyi huffed a small laugh as he handed the bowl to the younger boy, his ears warming when Wanyin took the bowl with a bright smile. He instantly dug in, using the same chopsticks that Jingyi had just finished with. It was such a small thing, but it made the food in Jingyi’s stomach revolt.
It felt too intimate, and between the conversation he and Sizhui shared the night before, and how Wanyin had held him after his nightmare, it was too much for his poor heart to handle. He stood and began getting ready to depart as Wanyin enjoyed the last of his breakfast but there was only so much he could do seeing how the others had finished clearing everything up before he even opened his eyes.
“All set?” Jin Ling asked when he noticed both Jingyi and his Uncle waiting beside the cold firepit.
“Yup!” Jingyi grinned, summoning his sword. “I feel bad that our departure was delayed so much for my sake.”
“We’ll get there eventually,” Jin Ling waved him off. “As long as it's before curfew it doesn’t really matter when.”
Sizhui opened his mouth, probably to remind them that there was a high chance that this whole situation was indeed timed, before thinking better of it and closing it once again.
Within minutes they were up in the air, their swords singing under their feet. Having the crisp morning air smack against his cheeks and whip his hair around his head made Jingyi want to laugh happily. He always loved flying - at times, it was the only instance where he actually felt free. Free of the rules he was raised under. Free of the expectations and the disappointment when he didn’t meet them. Free of the heaviness of his robes and the implications of the forehead ribbon.
They flew in relative silence, chattering here and there largely overwhelmed by the sheer focus of pushing themselves just a little faster. They all wanted to get to the Cloud Recesses as quickly as possible, and every moment they went just a little faster brought them closer and closer to their destination.
Even though they didn’t want to, they stopped by a small town for lunch at a worn but obviously well loved tavern. There were few people milling about in the middle of the day, so their food came out fast and hot. Even though they were raised to not speak during meals, there was steady chattering as their plates quickly emptied. By the time Lan Jingyi placed his chopsticks down, he was full and the warm food in his stomach was making him drowsy.
“Don’t fall asleep yet,” Jiang Wanyin huffed from beside him. “We still have some flying left to do before we can rest.”
“I know,” Lan Jingyi wasn’t pouting but it was close. “But people are still finishing up so I think I’ve earned the chance to rest my eyes for a moment.”
“Sure, sure...” Wanyin chuckled but didn’t deny Jingyi the opportunity. Jingyi moved to rest his head on his hand, his elbow propped up on the tabletop, when he felt something pull him to the side. Startled, he tried to pull away for just a beat before he realized it was only Wanyin, silently offering to let him use the younger man’s shoulder as a pillow.
Lan Jingyi bit back a smile as he took the offer. Jiang Wanyin was so much softer and warmer than a wooden tabletop, he decided as he closed his eyes. He didn’t allow himself to fully fall asleep, but he let himself settle into a light meditation, taking in the sounds and scents of the world around him and keeping his breathing strong and steady.
No one commented on the little display as they finally stood and paid for the meal. No one said anything as they exited the tavern and mounted their swords. No one so much as glanced in his direction as they took off in the direction of Gusu once more.
He didn’t know if he was grateful for it, or if it made the anxiety in his gut strengthen.
“The situation is more extreme than I imagined,” Grandmaster Qiren hummed as he took in the sight before him. He stroked his beard as his eyes seemed to pierce Jiang Wanyin’s very soul.
“Wangji sent a message but was... sparse with the details.”
“What did he tell you?” Senior Wei asked, his normally boisterous tone calm and respectful. Grandmaster Qiren’s eyes flitted over to him for a moment before he turned back to Wanyin.
“That Sect Leader Jiang had come across an unknown deity and had some changes made to his appearance and mind,” The older man hummed. “And that you were coming back to the Cloud Recesses to hopefully find some resources to aid you in reversing the changes.”
“Lan Zhan... you couldn’t have been more specific?” Senior Wei playfully scolded his husband.
“I didn’t want to risk the message being intercepted,” Hanguang-Jun murmured. “Wei Ying’s paperman can travel faster than any sword, so I knew it would arrive before we did, but it ran the risk of being seen by someone else if they happened upon it before it reached its destination.”
“Ah! So smart, my loving husband,” Senior Wei cooed, leaning into Hanguang-Jun’s side. “Good thinking! We want to try to solve this before word reaches the other clans. The last thing we want is for this information to get leaked without our consent. We might find an army at our door, looking to grab power when we’re unsteady.”
Lan Jingyi perked up when he realized Senior Wei had said ‘we’ and ‘our’. Normally he only ever referred to the Cloud Recesses in such a way. It seemed that Jiang Wanyin didn’t miss the slip up either, the younger man’s spine suddenly straight as a rob as he stared holes in the side of his brother’s head.
“I grant you permission to use the Library Pavillion however you need,” Grandmaster Qiren hummed. “Wangji has access to the forbidden sections, though I would like to request that only he enters those areas to retrieve the reading materials, and that only he returns them to the shelves when you are finished.”
“Of course, Uncle,” Senior Wei bowed his head. “It’s a small request to ask in return for something so important.”
“I understand that this is quite a dire situation,” The older man nodded. “The Jiang Clan is quite powerful and well respected. Having their leader in such a position is risky, not only for Yunmeng, but for the other clans as well. We are still healing from the war... we cannot afford any sort of power grab just yet.”
“We will make our way to the Library Pavillion,” Hanguang-Jun stood and bowed. “Thank you for your aid, Uncle.”
“Of course, Wangji,” To anyone who wasn’t familiar with Grandmaster Qiren, it might have sounded dismissive, but those who spent any long periods of time around the older man could hear the note of fondness in his voice. “Lan Jingyi, may I have a word with you?”
“Huh? Of course, Grandmaster...” He trailed off, eyes desperately trying to convey to Sizhui to make some excuse why he couldn’t actually stay. Unfortunately his friend betrayed him, simply offering him a comforting smile as he and the others stood and bowed before leaving the small room.
“Why do you look as though I’m about to run you through with my sword?” Grandmaster Qiren asked, making Jingyi jump. It was the closest thing to a joke the other man would ever get, so Lan Jingyi offered a small chuckle in return.
“This one would think no such thing, Grandmaster.” He gave the man a small smile.
“I simply wished to ask how you were doing,” Grandmaster Qiren stated. “You were given leave to travel to Lotus Pier for a short period of time but something is telling me you didn’t find what you set out to find.”
“Um.. no, Grandmaster,” His ears burned. “We did go to Lotus Pier for a reason but we ended up getting swept away in this whole goddess situation instead.”
“I understand that there’s a time constraint, but would you be able to fill this old man in on some of the details?”
“Me?” Jingyi all but yelped. “Wouldn’t Hanguang-Jun be better?”
“You are the sect heir, Lan Jingyi,” Grandmaster Qiren reminded him. “You will be taking over clan business one day. It’s only fitting that you are the one to inform me of what has transpired.”
“Oh... I guess I didn’t think of it that way,” Shame licked up the back of his throat. He coughed lightly before beginning. “Well... long story short, Wanyin- I mean, Sect Leader Jiang had... he had gone into the woods behind Lotus Pier to-to.... You won’t speak of this to anyone, right?”
“Not a soul.”
“I don’t want to betray his trust.”
“You won’t be doing anything of the sort,” Grandmaster Qiren assured him. “If I am aware of the details, I may be able to aid your search better.”
“That’s true...” Jingyi still felt like he was doing something wrong. All of this he only knew second hand thanks to whatever caused him to accept the goddess’ help and had the last few days removed. Somehow, that made it feel even worse, as if he were gossiping about something he had overheard. “Sect Leader Jiang had been about to-to take his own life, the night before we arrived at Lotus Pier. A spirit in the woods wanted to stop him, so they found a goddess who had been forgotten to time residing deep in the trees. We found out she was a healing goddess, many generations ago. In an attempt to take the pain that would cause him to do something so drastic away, she physically removed the years that had given him so much hurt... she returned him to the age of eighteen. Physically and mentally he is who he was just after the Qishan Re-education.”
“I see...” Grandmaster Qiren hummed thoughtfully, stroking his beard. “That would explain his appearance.”
“We went to find the goddess to see if she could give him his years back but she was fading... it had been generations since anyone worshiped her and she had forgotten her own name,” Jingyi continued. The marble seemed to grow heavier in his pouch. “All she was able to do was give his years back to him in the form of a glass marble. We came here in hopes that there might be some sort of record of what to do next. We ruled out destroying the marble, but we’re at a loss. We worry that the longer it takes, the harder it’ll be to return his years, or that something will go wrong.”
“And it was only Sect Leader Jiang who came in contact with this goddess?”
Lan Jingyi paled, his face instantly matching the robes he wore. He stared down at the table, trying to think of some sort of excuse or lie or anything - he was thinking so deeply that he didn’t notice Grandmaster Qiren’s eyes boring holes into his head.
“Lan Jingyi... did you meet this goddess?”
“We-we all did,” He stuttered. “When we went to find her.”
“Did you meet her before that?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Sect Leader Jiang had a strong energy that I did not recognize on his person,” The man hummed. “Now I can only assume it was the glass marble that the goddess gave him... however, when he left I noticed a smaller trace of the same energy remained in this room, so be honest with me, Lan Jingyi - did this goddess take time from you as well?”
Lan Jingyi stared down at the table, eyes wide and tongue heavy. He didn’t know what to say - not even that he couldn’t think of a lie, but rather that any words he might have used seemed to be locked away. He heard the older man sigh softly.
“You don’t appear any younger, which leads me to believe she only took a short period of time from you,” Grandmaster Qiren continued. “Perhaps... it was just the last few days? Otherwise you would appear physically younger, as Sect Leader Jiang does.”
“Yes...” He whispered, his head dropping in shame. “She took the last few days from me but-but I don’t exactly know why. The last thing I recall was meeting up with Sizhui and Jin Ling and making plans to go to Lotus Pier in the morning, then the next thing I knew I was waking up in the woods...”
“Lying is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses.”
“It’s not a lie!” His head flew up. “I really don’t remember how I got there, or what I spoke to her about! I just woke up in the woods and had to find my way back... I was shocked to see Wany-Sect Leader Jiang suddenly younger than me, and it was heartbreaking to hear from Jin Ling what happened to him.”
“I don’t doubt you on that front,” Grandmaster Qiren said. “But you know why she did this, don’t you?”
“I-I do,” Lan Jingyi swallowed back a knot in his throat. “But I- I don’t know if I can bear to speak the words aloud... not to you, Grandmaster.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’d be ashamed of me,” His eyes stung painfully but he refused to cry. “I’m already punishing myself enough over it... I don’t need you to do so as well.”
“We’ve spoken about this, Lan Jingyi,” Grandmaster Qiren scolded him softly, making him wince a little. “Self-torture isn’t going to solve anything, and inflicting harm on oneself in an attempt at seeking punishment for unknown crimes is dangerous.”
“I’m ashamed enough for the both of us,” He refused to cry. He refused. “I never meant for it to get this bad...”
“You can tell me, Jingyi. I will not judge you, nor will I feel ashamed.”
“I... I fell for the curse of the Lans,” he let out a helpless chuckle. He heard rather than saw the older man take a sharp breath. “I fell in love, and it only proved to spell disaster. I only wished for her to take the pain of that away. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore, but it seems whatever happened in the last few days wasn’t the beginning of it... if anything, it only made it come back stronger.”
“With Sect Leader Jiang?”
“How did you know?”
“Why else would the last few days be so important to you?” Grandmaster Qiren asked in return. “Especially now that he’s closer in age to you... I remember him, when he studied here. He was a good student, and he wasn’t nearly as rebellious as Wei Wuxian, but he had a mischievous streak in him nonetheless... I must admit, there have been a few times when you reminded me of those two, back when they were here. At first it caused me to worry, because your safety and well being has always been a priority and they went through something... completely unfathomable. I didn’t want you to hurt the way they did, so seeing those similarities worried me.”
“Grandmaster-” Lan Jingyi gasped, his head flying up. The moment he made eye contact with the older man and saw the concern and warmth in his eyes, the tears he had been holding back so desperately came rushing down his cheeks.
“It only makes sense that you’d be drawn to someone like Jiang Wanyin,” Grandmaster Qiren sighed. “Though this does complicate things... as sect heir, we cannot send you away to Yunmeng - it simply wouldn't be proper! And Sect Leader Jiang cannot leave Lotus Pier for extended periods of time... I suppose we can work out some sort of agreement-”
“What are you talking about?” Lan Jingyi didn’t mean to interrupt but he was simply too shocked to know what he was doing. “I-I can’t love Wanyin! I’ll only hurt him! Besides, he’ll return to his true age soon. Any friendship we’ve made now will be forgotten. It’s better if we just pretend this never happened and move on... I’ve resigned myself to feeling these things on my own.”
“Lan Jingyi,” Grandmaster Qiren raised his voice. This time, Jingyi fully flinched away from the older man. Grandmaster Qiren sighed before trying again. “The way that Lans fall in love... it is not a curse. It is a blessing, in a sense. Love is something that can be soulbinding, or it can be fickle. It can be lifelong, or it can die with the sunrise... the way our family loves ensures that those feelings are worshiped and handled with reverence. We physically cannot treat the ones we care about foolishly or halfheartedly.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I have made many mistakes in my life,” Grandmaster Qiren suddenly sounded so much older. “I watched my own brother drive himself to madness because he wasn’t able to do as his heart commanded him to. I had to watch my youngest nephew take thirty three hits from the disciple whip because I was too blinded by hatred and grief to see him clearly. I nearly lost my eldest nephew because I didn’t comprehend the depth of his love... While it is not a match I would have considered on my own, I refuse to allow someone else in my family to suffer the way those of the past have, simply because their love was treated like a curse. If you love Jiang Wanyin, I will not stand in your way. I will find loopholes and caveats to allow you to be together, if that is what you wish.”
“He doesn’t love me,” Lan Jingyi denied. “He could never return these feelings. It’s my own selfishness that led me here, and it’s my burden to bear. I must accept this punishment for putting such a heavy burden on his shoulders without his knowledge or consent. This is my fault, Grandmaster... I must atone for it.”
“I may be old, but I am not blind, Lan Jingyi. I saw the way he was looking at you. I’ve seen that look on many faces in my time, and the root of it always came from the same place. If you believe he doesn’t return your feelings, you are the blind one.”
“He can’t,” Jingyi shook his head. “He has a sect to lead. He had people relying on him... I’m going to be leading GusuLan one day too. I can’t allow something like this to interfere with making sure my people are safe.”
“Wangji does just fine with his duties as Chief Cultivator and Husband.”
“But Senior Wei lives with him,” Jingyi argued back. He was beginning to grow mad - why was Grandmaster Qiren pushing this so hard? He should be the first person to denounce whatever it was Jingyi felt towards Wanyin! “It would be against our better interest if I were to leave the Cloud Recesses often. I need to think of our future over my own selfish desires.”
“It seems you have made up your mind,” Grandmaster Qiren said. Lan Jingyi nodded, his eyes planted firmly on the table once more. “I cannot force you to change your decisions, but I implore you - not as your Grandmaster, but as your family - to leave a little room in your heart for other options.”
“This one appreciates your concern, honored Grandmaster,” Lan Jingyi stood and bowed deeply. “I should meet with the others. There’s bound to be much we need to sort through.”
“Go then,” Grandmaster Qiren dismissed him. “If you find anything, report back to me.”
“Of course.” Jingyi bowed again before leaving the older man.
Lan Qiren let out a loud sigh and sat again. The tea in his cup was cold but he took a sip of it anyway. He always knew Lan Jingyi was different from the others, and the day he learned that the little Lan was punishing himself over it had been enough to turn his world upside down. He knew he made mistakes in his past, but seeing that child refuse to speak, only writing down his thoughts on paper caused the sickening realization that those mistakes were still haunting him.
Haunting him, and affecting the future generations.
It made him reevaluate many things - his teachings, how he processed the rules he had strived his entire life to ensure, and how maybe those rules could cause more harm than good. Lan Jingyi, in all his un-Lan like ways, made Lan Qiren wonder if he was only perpetuating the harmful cycle that took so much from him.
So to hear Lan Jingyi say such painful things with such a dead voice scared him. He didn’t know exactly how he felt knowing the young man had feelings for Sandu-Shengshou of all people - the loud, brash, hardheaded man who built his own sect up from the ground and who fought in the war that killed so many - but he refused to watch another member of his family destroy themselves for love.
He refused, so he would do what he could to preserve the light in Lan Jingyi’s heart. Despite his shortcomings, Lan Jingyi was a brilliant cultivator and upheld the morals of GusuLan better than most.
Sighing again, he sipped his chilled tea. There really was no rest for the elderly, it seemed.
Notes:
I survived the move which means a slightly longer chapter than usual to celebrate! It was a very long weekend and work was even more exhausting because of it but we're officially all moved in and getting settled 🥰 that means I'll finally have more time for writing! Now that I have a plan for the ending, I should have a final chapter count soon I promise
Chapter 11: In the Clouds, In Your Arms
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
“Any luck?” Lan Jingyi asked as he plopped himself down between Sizhui and Wanyin, who both looked like they were about to bash their heads in with one of the hundreds of books that had been piled in front of them.
“We might have a lead,” Lan Sizhui muttered, staring into space. “But...”
“There was a single legend that referenced something that might be related, so Wei Wuxian and his stupid husband went off to search for anything that’s remotely similar.” Wanyin let his head fall, slamming it on the tabletop.
“Where’s Jin Ling?” Lan Jingyi asked, resisting the urge to reach out and pet Wanyin’s head.
“He volunteered to be the book mule so he didn’t have to actually read anything,” Wanyin grumbled. “He said he would carry things for Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji as they search.”
“I’m guessing he volunteered before you had the chance to?” Jingyi teased him.
“What did Grandmaster Qiren want to speak to you about?” Lan Sizhui asked, changing the topic.
“He wanted to see how I was doing, and asked for me to fill him in on the details of what happened so he would be able to help us more,” Lan Jingyi said casually, pretending the conversation wasn’t still attacking his mind. “He realized pretty quickly that I made contact with the goddess the same way Wanyin did and made me explain myself, which sucked.”
“What did you end up telling him?” Sizhui asked, glancing between Jingyi and Wanyin, the latter still lying facedown on the table.
“That I don’t remember much,” He said, only lying a little bit. “He seemed concerned but there wasn’t much more he could do.”
“Of course he was concerned,” Sizhui scoffed softly. “He cares about you. He’s just awful at conveying that.”
“Yeah, well we unfortunately have a lot of work to do so I can’t have a heartfelt conversation with him just yet,” He would prefer to never have a conversation like that again, with anyone.
“Show me this legend that might have a lead. I can help hunt stuff down.”
In the end, they weren’t able to do too much work. They had gotten to the Cloud Recesses shortly before suppertime, and even with permission from Grandmaster Qiren to ignore curfew in favor of working into the evening, it was getting hard to focus. Jingyi’s stomach growled but he ignored it, wanting to finish the passage he had been trying to read for the last half hour. The words were beginning to blend together and he was fairly certain he had lost the ability to understand written language. A throbbing pain had sprung up behind his eyes which only served to make focusing harder.
“We should rest,” Hanguang-Jun said, making the younger men all jump. Jingyi, Sizhui, Jin Ling, and Wanyin had all been so focused on their reading that they hadn’t realized anyone had entered the study room they had taken over. “Normally it’s required to return all reading materials to their proper place before leaving the Library Pavillion, but for tonight I give you permission to keep your things out. We will be returning before anyone else has the chance to stumble across it.”
“But...” Jin Ling tried to protest only to be cut off by his own yawn.
“We’re no help in this state,” Lan Sizhui sighed and closed the book he had been attempting to read. “We need to rest or we’ll just hinder the case.”
“I guess we have no choice,” Jingyi followed suit, making the page that had been alluding him with a piece of scrap paper and closing it. “I wouldn’t mind a bath... soaking might do something about this headache.”
“Young Master Jiang, let me ask to make sure guest quarters have been made up for the evening.” Sizhui smiled at Jiang Wanyin only to be met with a disappointed sound.
“Aren’t the guest quarters on the other side of the Cloud Recesses?” Wanyin asked, recalling the layout from his time as a student. “Would it be a good idea for me to stay so far away? Plus that runs the risk of people seeing me in this state. I know gossiping is forbidden here, but that doesn’t actually stop people.”
“Ah, those are good points...” Lan Sizhui trailed off, a frown on his lips.
“He can stay with me,” Lan Jingyi heard himself saying before he even had a chance to filter his thoughts. “My room has plenty of space and it’s fairly private since I’m part of the inner family.”
“Would that be okay with you?” Sizhui asked, turning to Wanyin.
“I don’t mind,” He huffed, crossing his arms and looking away. “I just don’t want to be a burden or anything.”
“You could never be a burden,” Jingyi denied quickly. “Besides, it’s only for a few days, right? Careful though - you might get sick of me by the time we leave for Lotus Pier.”
“As if.” Wanyin scoffed before falling silent.
“Ahaha... well, follow me,” Lan Jingyi chuckled awkwardly, ignoring the way his ears burned. He couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation he had with Grandmaster Qiren, and how the older man seemed to approve of the hypothetical relationship between Jingyi and Wanyin, going as far as to offer finding loopholes to allow them to be together. “It’s not far from here, thankfully. We just need to- oh right!”
“What’s wrong?” Wanyin asked when Jingyi stopped in front of a stone archway. They had been walking for only a few minutes before the sudden freeze.
“You would need a special token to pass through here,” Jingyi frowned. “Only inner family members are allowed through. I wonder though...”
“What are you-AGH!” Jiang Wanyin yelped as he was lifted from the ground. Lan Jingyi kept a firm hold of the younger man, one arm cradling his back while the other supported under Wanyin’s legs. Wanyin, in his unsteadiness, threw his arms around Jingyi’s neck and held on tight.
“Let’s see if this works!” Lan Jingyi grinned. He easily carried Wanyin towards the archway, only hesitating for a split second before taking a risky step forward. There was a rush of spiritual energy that washed over them, but other than that nothing seemed to stand in their way.
“It worked,” Jiang Wanyin snapped but didn’t loosen his grip on Jingyi’s neck. “You can put me down now.”
“I could,” He hummed in agreement before breaking out in a particularly impish grin that had Wanyin’s eyes widening in horror. “But I don’t want to!”
“LAN JINGYI! Put me down!”
“Nope!” He laughed freely, not caring if someone from the inner family heard them. It was past curfew, which meant everyone should be asleep and one thing the Lans knew how to do was sleep like the dead. No amount of shouting would rouse them before five.
This was how he felt when he was flying - carefree, weightless. Happy.
He broke into an easy jog towards his room, purposely jostling Wanyin a few times and laughing at the way the younger boy would yelp and hold on tighter. He was almost regretful that he moved so quickly because seeing his door come into sight reminded him that he would have to soon put Wanyin down.
While he may have made the decision to hold onto his feelings, keeping them locked tightly in his chest, he was also selfish and would take whatever crumbs he might be able to scrape together.
“You’re going to have to put me down now,” Wanyin said triumphantly, the tone only slightly dampened by the way his face was partially pressed into Jingyi’s neck from the last time the older man jostled him. “You can’t open the door with your hands full-”
Jiang Wanyin let out an affronted gasp when Jingyi managed to slide the door open with his foot, doing the same to close it behind them. Jingyi grinned, holding Wanyin just a little closer while he did so.
“Sorry about the mess,” he hummed as he carried Wanyin into the room fully. “I don’t have many visitors outside of Sizhui and Jin Ling, and they don’t care what kind of disaster I live in.”
The room itself wasn’t what Wanyin would classify as a disaster per say, but it certainly wasn’t as neat and tidy as the rest of the Cloud Recesses. The room was large, with a screen separating what he assumed was the sleeping area from the rest of the chambers. There was a table in the center with cushions surrounding it, and on the table were several books as well as haphazard stacks of both talisman papers and regular scrap paper. There were two bookshelves against the wall, but only one actually held books - the other housed various items, most likely gifts and things Jingyi picked up on his travels. There was a wardrobe with clothes sticking out of it, as if Jingyi had hastily packed a bag before leaving, and another basket overflowing with slightly stained white fabric.
Another table sat by the window that housed a pristine guqin and Wanyin recalled Jingyi mentioning how he never really managed to pick up on the instrument. A wooden dizi also sat on the table, but it wasn’t nearly as nice as the one Jingyi has used for inquiry. A majority of the mess came from odds and ends scattered across the room - pairs of boots thrown into a corner, robes tossed over the screen, practice swords and bows tossed into a holder.
“I’ve seen worse,” He muttered, still waiting for Jingyi to set him down. “Wei Wuxian’s room is always ten times messier than this- well, they were... I don’t know how he keeps his quarters here.”
He tensed at the slip up. He hadn’t noticed he was doing it at first, but eventually he caught on to how he still spoke of his past in the present tense. To him, it all happened days if not weeks ago - living with Wei Wuxian, playing in the lakes of Lotus Pier. Training with their shidis and receiving an education. To him, it had barely been a week since he last saw his parents, his sister.
To him, they were all very much alive. It was hard to remind himself that it was only in his memories did they survive.
“Ah, Hanguang-Jun and Sizhui try to keep Senior Wei organized but it’s like trying to bail a boat out with a teacup in a monsoon,” Lan Jingyi laughed, not noticing how Wanyin had momentarily gotten lost in his thoughts. “Here, let me go set up the bed.”
Jingyi gently placed Wanyin down on one of the cushions by the table, lingering for a moment as if he wanted to say something, before rushing off behind the screen. He could heard Wanyin’s breathing on the other side but didn’t know what to say. His bed was a mess, but then again not even Sizhui or Jin Ling really got to see it so he never had a reason to keep it neat. The mattress was shoved up against the wall, laying flat on the ground. It was actually two mattresses stacked on one another to create a barrier between himself and the cold ground, but nothing else under. He had a frame for it, once upon a time, but after a particularly bad nightmare he had thrown himself off it and given himself quite the nasty concussion so he opted to remove that hazard.
He had more pillows and blankets than someone his age should sleep with, but it was something he took great comfort in. On one of the few instances Lan Sizhui saw his bed, he remarked that it wasn’t unsimilar to a bird’s nest, with soft things creating a sort of cocoon where Jingyi cuddled up directly in the center. It had been embarrassing, but the comparison was unfortunately very accurate.
He shuffled, trying to create some semblance of order, straightening out the blankets and lining up the pillows. He had a few fabric animals that his mother had sewn for him before she passed that he refused to let go of, which he tucked away under some pillows in the back of the pile. He didn’t think Wanyin would tease him, but he’d rather eliminate the chance before it was presented.
“If it’s too much trouble, I can sleep out here.” Wanyin called, making Jingyi frown.
“I’m not about to let my guest sleep on cushions,” He scoffed. “We can share my bed. It’s plenty big enough for two bodies.”
“Are you sure?”
“We shared a sleeping roll last night,” He pointed out, ears burning. “I think sharing an actual bed is fine.”
“... you’re right,” Wanyin said after a lengthy pause. “It’s just for a few days.”
“If it makes you uncomfortable we can find something else-”
“I was worried it would make you uncomfortable,” There was something else hidden behind his words, but Jingyi couldn’t make out what. Guilt, maybe? But what did Wanyin have to be guilty about? “But it’s you’re okay with it, I am too.”
“Did you bring sleep clothes?”
“I normally just sleep in my inner robes back home,” Wanyin answered as Lan Jingyi made his way back around the screen. “I didn’t bother wasting space in my pouch with regular sleep clothes.”
“You can borrow some of mine.”
“Is this payback for having you wear my colors?” Wanyin asked with a wry smile.
“You had me wear your colors?” He paused his walk over to his dresser. He recalled waking up in YunmengJiang purple, but he had no idea why he had been out of his own sect’s robes.
“Oh, um... yeah,” Jiang Wanyin sounded hesitant. “We... we had a spar, and if I won you had to fulfill a favor, so I had you wear my robes into town.”
“I lost to you?” Lan Jingyi frowned. “We should have a rematch! I’ll definitely beat you this time.”
“Technically we tied.” Wanyin smiled at Jingyi’s upset. The knowledge seemed to soothe the older man’s ego for a moment before he shot Wanyin a lopsided grin of his own.
“What did you have to do then?” He needled, sitting down next to Jiang Wanyin. “If we tied, that means I had you do something too, right?”
“You made me go into town with you, Sizhui, and Jin Ling,” Wanyin deadpanned. “You got absolutely blackout drunk and I carried you back to Lotus Pier on my back.”
“Oh gods above,” Any mirth in his face vanished. “That’s so embarrassing... How can you even look me in the eye after that!”
“It was cute,” Jiang Wanyin promised, leaning in to bump Jingyi’s shoulder. “You got clingy and giggly... it was actually adorable.”
“Stop!” Jingyi shoved him away which only made him laugh harder. “You’re so embarrassing!”
“What? You don’t like the teasing?” Wanyin shot back, pouncing on Jingyi so they both ended up falling onto the floor.
“Only when I do it,” He grinned as he grappled to get the upper hand. His arm strength allowed him to win most wrestling matches but he wasn’t necessarily trying to win this spontaneous fight. “It’s cheating when you do it!”
“Cheating?” Wanyin gasped dramatically. “Are you calling my honor into question, Young Master Lan?”
“I would never,” Jingyi flipped them around so that he was looming over the younger man. “Young Master Jiang is most honorable and benevolent. It would be a crime to think otherwise.”
“Oh yeah? Mark your words, Lan Jingyi.”
“Consider them marked, Jiang Wanyin.”
He grinned, foolishly thinking he had the upper hand only to be thrown back by a surprise show of strength. He faltered, half turning to catch himself before he fell too harshly on his hip. In the same moment, Wanyin reached out to catch him, his expression revealing the shock of seeing Jingyi suddenly lose his balance. When they both landed, Jingyi was being cradled by a single arm, Wanyin’s other arm being used to prop them both up. Their faces were so close that Jingyi was able to notice freckles on the younger man’s nose for the first time.
The air seemed to freeze as they stared at one another, their breathing gently labored from their wrestling. Lan Jingyi could feel Wanyin’s hand on his waist tighten but unlike all the times before, Wanyin didn’t loosen his grip again.
“Wanyin...” Lan Jingyi whispered, the name hitting the younger man’s mouth. His eyes flickered down, his throat closing at the sight of Wanyin wetting his lips subconsciously. He knew he should rip away from the embrace but he found he was unable to move, as if his limbs had turned to stone.
“How do you keep doing this to me?” Wanyin asked, more to himself than to Jingyi.
“What-what do you mean?”
Wanyin stared at him, his eyes widening a fraction before becoming so incredibly sad that Jingyi’s own heart seemed to shatter. In a heartbeat, the younger man was halfway across the room, unable to drag his eyes off the ground.
“If you’re still willing to lend me those sleeping robes I’d be grateful,” He muttered. “If not that’s okay too...”
“No, it’s alright,” His heart was beating out of his chest. “I-I’ll go grab them for you...”
He stumbled over to his wardrobe, his head still spinning. He could almost trick himself into being able to track the lotus scent that had enveloped him moments before. His hands shook as he dug through his clothes.
What had Wanyin planned on doing to him? Why did he look so broken?
“Um... here,” He muttered, shoving the sleep robes into Wanyin’s hands without looking at the younger man. “I can... step out while you change.”
“You don’t have to do that,” he denied after a moment of hesitation. “I can go behind the screen.”
“I should go ask Grandmaster Qiren for a temporary passage token,” It was something he had been planning on doing anyway, but now with the tension between them it seemed like the perfect opportunity to slip away for a few minutes. “If you’re going to stay here, I don’t want you to feel like you have to stick by me the whole time. This’ll be your room for the next few days and you should be able to come and go at will.”
“Will he even agree to that?” Some of the usual sass was back in his voice and hearing it made Jingyi let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. “He didn’t seem too pleased to see me like this.”
“He’s spoken highly of you,” Lan Jingyi offered him a shy smile. “He said you were a good student even if you were a little mischievous at times.”
“He... he did?”
“Mhm,” His smile widened a little. “Compared to Senior Wei, you were practically a model student.”
“That’s not hard to accomplish,” Jiang Wanyin snorted, holding the robes closer to his chest. “He was a nightmare... Master Qiren kicked him out of class after throwing a book at his face! I think he was pissed off that Wei Wuxian kept answering all his questions flawlessly. I’m pretty sure he only threw the last question in there to trip him up then got even more pissed when that idiot actually challenged him on it.”
“Senior Wei is so cool,” Jingyi said without thinking. “He’s the first adult that really saw me, you know? All my teachers and the elders had given up on me by the time Senior Wei came back and I guess I thought he would be the same...”
“He’s always had a bleeding heart,” Wanyin hummed fondly. “Mother scolds him constantly but he never lets that stop him from going out of his way to make things easier for others. He lies and takes the blame for the younger disciples so they won’t get scolded.”
“He does the same for me,” Jingyi felt his eyes burn a little. He always got a little emotional when he thought about how Senior Wei took him under his wing, giving him the support and love and pride that no one in his life - save Hanguang-Jun - seemed to have to spare. “The first time it happened, I had gotten careless and almost got injured. He stepped in the way of the attack and took the brunt of it but when we got back to the Cloud Recesses he lied and said he had been the one to get careless. Hanguang-Jun scolded Senior Wei in front of all of us! I’ve never heard him do that before! I felt so guilty that I got him in trouble but as soon as Hanguang-Jun turned his back to us, Senior Wei grinned and winked at me and it somehow made me feel better instantly.”
“I’ve always admired that about him,” Jiang Wanyin’s voice dropped. “So why did I demonize him for it? Why... why did I allow him to die for it?”
“You... you weren’t yourself,” Lan Jingyi stumbled over his words. “But it’s okay now, right? You seemed much closer to him on the trip over.”
“We talked it out,” He admitted. “And while it did help I can’t help but wonder if I even deserve to be forgiven.”
“Wanyin-”
“These journals show me who I was,” he sighed, pulling one out of his robes and throwing it onto the table. “You can say how I wasn’t myself, but I sounded quite coherent when I was calling for my brother’s death.”
“You are not the ferocious monster you seem to think you are,” Forgetting the awkwardness between them, he rushed over to the younger man. He tugged on Wanyin’s sleeve, not missing how Wanyin’s face softened a smidge at the gesture. “You are not your mother, Jiang Wanyin.”
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” Wanyin whispered, letting his eyes close. “I don’t know if I can ever repay you for what you’ve done for me.”
“You don’t have to repay anything,” Jingyi swore. He hated hearing Wanyin sound so small. Wanyin was supposed to be loud and brash and bigger than life. “And all you had to do was be yourself. That’s more than enough to deserve good things.”
“You certainly are a good thing,” Jiang Wanyin chuckled, causing Lan Jingyi’s ears burn. “Weren’t you going to find Master Qiren?”
“Oh yeah!” He had completely forgotten. “Here, you change. I’ll be back in a few minutes!”
“I’ll be here.” Wanyin promised with a lopsided smile. Lan Jingyi suddenly had the compulsion to say nevermind to his task and stay in the room but he knew it was something he needed to do.
As much as he would love to have to carry Wanyin through the archway each time but it would limit the younger man on where he could go.
He had heard Senior Wei’s recounting of what happened during the Sunshot campaign, how he genuinely believed that Hanguang-Jun had been trying to bring him back to Gusu in order to imprison and punish him for going down the dark path. He heard the fear in his beloved Senior’s voice when he recalled his thoughts during that time - how Senior Wei felt that being imprisoned was too good for someone like him, and how he knew that the GusuLan cultivators would torture him if he went back.
Of course that had never been the plan, but Senior Wei hadn’t known that. No one but Hanguang-Jun knew that bringing Senior Wei back to the Cloud Recesses wasn’t for imprisonment, but for liberating.
Ever since he heard that, Lan Jingyi was more aware of how his actions might be perceived. He knew that Hanguang-Jun had good intentions, but because he couldn’t articulate that, he lost his love for thirteen years. The last thing Jingyi wanted was for Wanyin to feel trapped in Gusu.
He made the quick trip to the Grandmaster’s study. It was past curfew, but ever since he began training to be the sect heir, Jingyi was privy to the closely guarded secret of how Grandmaster Qiren rarely ever upheld curfew. The older man stayed up later more often than not, doing paperwork or making lesson plans or responding to letters from other sects.
As he expected, there was still candlelight coming from the window of Grandmaster Qiren’s study. He knew he was pushing it a little, arriving just late enough to risk missing the older man completely, but it seemed luck was on his side after all. He knocked on the door, not harshly but loud enough to be heard.
“Who’s awake at this hour?” He heard Grandmaster Qiren ask himself. There was the sound of footsteps and suddenly the door was being slid open. “Jingyi? Is something the matter? Did you find something?”
“Ah, we think we might have found a lead before we decided to retire for the evening,” He responded quickly. “But I’m here for another reason.”
“You caught me at a good time then,” Grandmaster Qiren hummed, gesturing for the younger man to follow him into the study. “I was just preparing to retire for the evening myself... what can I do for you?”
“Is it possible to have a temporary passage token made for Wanyin?” Lan Jingyi asked, wondering why he was suddenly so nervous to make the request. When Grandmaster Qiren simply raised an eyebrow at him, he coughed and continued. “We, uh, we decided that having him stay across the Cloud Recesses in the guest quarters all on his own was a hazard, so I offered to share my room... but since I’m part of the inner family, he would need a token to get into my room.”
“Where is he now?”
“Uh... my room.”
“And how did he get there if he didn’t have a passage token?” His tone wasn’t exactly scolding, but Lan Jingyi shrunk down a little regardless. His ears burned as he opened his mouth to stutter out a response.
“I-I, um... I c-carried him across the barrier,” He felt the blush growing. If he hadn’t had that gods accursed conversation with the older man earlier, this wouldn’t be nearly as embarrassing! But now Grandmaster Qiren was eyeing him with a look that was filled with just a little too much understanding for Jingyi’s comfort. “But-but I don’t want him to feel trapped if he can only rest when I carry him...”
“I see...” He hummed, staring directly into Lan Jingyi's soul before sighing and closing his eyes. “I will speak to someone in the morning. It shouldn’t be too difficult so ideally it would be finished before he would need to return to your chambers tomorrow.”
“Wait, really?” Lan Jingyi gasped, earning a scowl.
“Why do you sound so surprised?” Grandmaster Qiren narrowed his eyes.
“I just- I didn’t know how you would react to such a request, if I’m being honest,” He looked down at his boots. “I remember how upset you would get when Senior Wei and Hanguang-Jun would do something like this...”
“Those two... are a special case,” Grandmaster Qiren pinched the bridge of his nose to stave off a headache. “But I have seen the error of my past ways. I have... been too harsh about things that have little real impact on our lives.”
“What do you mean?” Lan Jingyi hadn’t meant to ask that, but he did anyway. Grandmaster Qiren let out a steady breath before sitting at his desk.
“Looking back, I can’t help but wonder if my actions, had I reacted with more empathy, could have prevented some of the horrors that Wei Wuxian experienced. I had been blinded by anger, and grief. I drove him out of the Cloud Recesses when I should have worked with him and his brilliant mind. Because of that, I in turn hurt one of the people closest to me. I allowed Wangji to be whipped because I was still so blinded... then Wei Wuxian came back and I had been beyond myself. I thought I would Qi Deviate but I quickly realized how his presence created a positive impact. The students were not only doing their work, but were eager to attend lectures. Wangji looked genuinely happy for the first time... in his life, if I’m being honest with myself. Even you, Lan Jingyi - Wei Wuxian played a heavy hand in you finding your footing in adulthood. I feel guilt every single day for how much my hatred and indifference caused such pain...”
“You didn’t mean to!” Lan Jingyi defended the older man. “You did what you thought was right.... And as long as you uphold your own values and righteousness, you can never do the Lan name a disservice.”
“Is that something Wei Wuxian told you?” Grandmaster Qiren asked with a small huff and an even smaller tug at the corner of his lips.
“No, Hanguang-Jun did,” Lan Jingyi shook his head. “He found me crying about what the other children had been saying about me.”
“I see...” He stroked his beard in thought. “I see many similarities between yourself and Wei Wuxian... so when you told me about what happened earlier I made a promise to myself not to repeat my misdeeds. I refuse to drive away another member of my family because of my own stubbornness. Like I said before - it is not a match I would have considered myself, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be treated like a taboo. Besides, you bring up good points - It would pose potential hazards if he was staying on the other side of the Cloud Recesses, and having to carry him across the barrier every time he wished to rest would get tiresome very quickly, for the both of you.”
“Thank you, Grandmaster,” Lan Jingyi bowed deeply. “For listening and-”
“That is never something you need to thank me for,” He cut the younger man off. Jingyi gasped a little at the blatant breaking of the rules, and the reaction only earned him a small smirk from his Grandmaster. “I would like to be someone you can rely on, Lan Jingyi. When you become Sect Leader, I hope to still be alive to guide you, should you ask for guidance. This is not a journey you must take alone. You have many people who care for you, and wish to see you succeed. Now, go to sleep. It’s far past curfew and I’m sure Young Master Jiang is anxiously pacing a rut in your floor as we speak.”
“Goodnight, Grandmaster Qiren,” Lan Jingyi bowed again. “I hope you sleep well.”
“And I, you,” The older man hummed. “I shall send the token to the library when it is finished. I have a feeling that is where you will be for the foreseeable future.”
“That’s probably a pretty spot on feeling.” Lan Jingyi agreed with a small chuckle. He gave the older man one last bow before slipping out of the study. He rushed back to his room, the night’s chill sinking its fangs into his skin despite the layers of his robes. In a place like Lotus Pier, his spelled GusuLan robes would have been more than enough to keep him toasty warm, but in the cruel Gusu winds, no amount of layers were truly enough to save him.
As he approached his room, he saw there was still a light on inside. He found himself smiling a little to himself without really understanding why. Sliding the door open, he called out cheekily.
“I hope you’re decent, Young Master Jiang,” He teased as he closed the door behind him. Glancing around the room, he felt the smile drop from his face. “Wanyin?”
But there was no response.
Venturing farther into the room, Lan Jingyi quickly realized that Jiang Wanyin was nowhere to be found. Worry settled itself in his stomach as he looked around once more, as if the younger man could have hidden himself away.
On the table sat the journal that Wanyin had tossed down before Lan Jingyi had gone to speak to Grandmaster Qiren, but beside it was the glass marble, nestled in the pile of fabric it had been wrapped in. The worry in his stomach quickly turned to fear.
What happened to Jiang Wanyin? Why would he have left without taking the marble with him? Especially this late at night?
There was no way he had been attacked, right? No one could enter the inner family’s courtyard without a token, so there’s no way he could have been taken...
So where did he go?
Walking over, he was surprised to see the journal wasn’t lying flat. Picking it up, he realized there was a brush propped between two pages. He flipped it open and was once again surprised to see neat handwriting, the tiny characters filling most of the pages. He flipped though the pages mindlessly, only stopping when he caught sight of his own name within the characters.
Flipping back, he found himself compelled to read the entry. It was dated just a few days ago - the first day that Jingyi lost.
I still don’t know what’s going on, but I feel a little less unnerved knowing a little bit rather than nothing at all, even if what I learned isn’t good. Lan Jingyi was the one to find me. He’s one of Jin Ling’s friends - Jin Ling, my nephew. I have a nephew, my sister’s son. My sister who’s dead now. I spent some time reading through these journals in an attempt to gather myself but it only made me feel worse.
How did everything go so wrong? I know I’ve never been good at expressing my emotions - something Wei Wuxian mocks me endlessly for - but it seems I forgot everything but rage. It feels like a poorly written play. I hated reading about how violent and cruel I become. Even as I write this I feel like a monster - like the sins I haven’t yet committed are crawling through my veins.
The only real solace I have is Lan Jingyi. He answered all my questions honestly, as expected of a Lan, but it was obvious he was trying to do so delicately. I don’t know if he noticed, but he kept wincing whenever I asked a hard question. He would stumble over his words until he could figure out how to answer. It was comforting, knowing this stranger was trying so hard to lighten the blows.
He defended me, my actions. He even praised me. I don’t know how to feel about that. Before I would have soaked up praise like a dry cloth but now I don’t feel I deserve it. Not after reading what I’ve done.
He was so kind to me. I almost didn’t know how to react. I’m not used to people being so genuine. Either they’re trying to suck up to me because I’m the sect heir, or they’re tripping over themselves to please me. Even Wei Wuxian seems to hold me at arms length sometimes and I know it’s because of my parents. I’ve always wondered how much of our relationship is genuine, and how much is fabricated out of his bullshit sense of duty. I want to believe that he really sees me as a brother, but I’ve never been sure.
There was more to the entry, but Lan Jingyi didn’t know if he should continue reading it. Especially since it seemed to dive deeper into Wanyin’s feelings about his relationship with his brother.
As he was about to close the journal, he saw his name again.
How often did his name come up in the younger man’s writing?
This journal entry was dated the very next day.
I hate to admit it, but writing out my thoughts really does help. I can understand how I managed to get so angry in the past - it’s easy to get swept away in your emotions when you know your eyes are the only ones that will ever see the words.
I couldn’t sleep last night so I tried going for a walk. Early mornings in Lotus Pier are beautiful, but it’s not something I see very often. At least, not this early. I don’t know why I was surprised to see Lan Jingyi sitting at the end of my favorite pier. It was just past five, so it made sense for him to be awake but it caught me off guard nonetheless. He seemed to have been lost in thought, because otherwise he absolutely would have heard me approaching.
He slipped up with my title. It was hard not to flinch when he called me sect leader, but the look on his own face at the mistake was enough to distract me. He looked distraught over something so small. Did he know that it pained me to be called that? Was that way he was taking such lengths to watch his words?
I didn’t mean to be so honest with him but it’s hard not to be. There’s something about how genuine and open he is that makes me want to be just as genuine and open in return. He told me a story from his childhood, where he was almost struck with the disciple whip for being unruly. I was horrified. I still am horrified, just recalling it. He used the term ‘self-torture’ to both define what he had done to himself, as well as what I was doing with my knowledge of my past actions. It was exactly like he said - a bucket of cold water.
Am I torturing myself over actions I have yet to commit? But I have committed them, or at least the older version of me has. I may not have experienced it, but everyone else had. Even if Wei Wuxian treats me kindly and always has an eager smile for me, I can’t help but recall how much pain he went through because of me. How can he stand to even look at me after what I’ve done?
I must admit, I am a little ashamed of what I did next. I don’t think I would ever be described as impulsive - not when Wei Wuxian is next to me to set a worse example - but I acted without thinking. Lan Jingyi knows just how to tease me to get me riled up, but he made the fatal mistake of trying to run from me in my own home. I caught him easily but I had a plan in mind. He wouldn’t lie to me, so if he read my journals he would be able to tell me what actually happened - be able to look past the vile hatred and resentment that coats every character I wrote down.
I wasn’t sure how to explain my idea so instead I simply picked him up and carried him away. It was shameless, I know, but I couldn’t stop myself. He was so fun to tease, and his reactions to his friends seeing him in such a state gave me a sense of joy. He’s such a strange person but I find myself wanting him to be around me. He teases me the way Wei Wuxian does, but the way he does it feels better somehow, like he means it with his whole chest.
He’s reading one of my journals now, sitting in my bed. The last time I had someone else in my bed was when I was ten years old, the night before Wei Wuxian was given his own room. We shared a bed one last time before he was taken away, but now there’s someone else there sitting on my blankets and using my pillows to prop themselves up. His brow is furrowed in concentration, and I can see him mouthing along with what he’s reading. I know it’s a horrid entry for it’s one I specifically picked for him to decode for me, but there’s no hatred or disgust on his face.
Lan Jingyi blushed. Wanyin had been that forward with him!? But all of this happened during the time the goddess had taken away from him... why was he so desperate to lose these memories? The way Wanyin sounded was so fond, and that scared him. Was there a chance Grandmaster Qiren was right?
That Jiang Wanyin might return his feelings?
He didn’t dare hope.
The next entry was from later that same day.
Lan Jingyi is dead to me. He rushed off cackling like a madman and left me to face Wei Wuxian’s ire all alone. I know how protective my brother can be, but this was the first time I was ever on the receiving end of the backlash - it made me realize that he only ever protected me. He seemed to think I was going to corrupt Lan Jingyi’s innocence, which is absurd - he should know better than anyone that I have no experience in corrupting someone, especially not in that manner! And Lan Jingyi is several years older than me. Wei Wuxian should worry about my virtue instead.
It was strange, seeing Wei Wuxian so protective over someone else. It made me see how much I took for granted... I’m still working through my journals and learning what happened, but
something occurred that drove such an unrepairable rift between us and in that time he’s moved on. He’s left me behind for a new family. I ended up confessing our plans even though I desperately wanted it to just be me and Lan Jingyi. I didn’t want to involve anyone else, but it seems now Lan Wangji will accompany us to the back woods to perform Inquiry. It had been Lan Jingyi’s idea to ask the spirits of the back woods if they had seen anything that could be related to this curse.
He’s quite brilliant. I don’t know why he keeps degrading himself and his talents. He keeps insulting himself and it’s actually making me kind of pissed off. He’s clearly smart and capable, so who taught him to be ashamed of himself? It makes me want to break the legs of everyone who spoke down to him. No, legs aren’t enough. Maybe I’ll break necks.
By the time I escaped Wei Wuxian’s lecture, Lan Jingyi was in the dining hall with the other two. The one is Wei Wuxian’s son, which makes him my nephew even if it’s not my blood, but the other is Jin Ling, who is my nephew by blood. It’s so weird to think about, especially since he’s now older than me, but even if I don’t know him he’s still my sister’s son - he’s still important to me.
Lan Jingyi can be such an ass, teasing me when my pride was already hurt, but seeing the sparkle in his eye as he laughed at my expense was enough of a balm to soothe the hurt. It was nice, sitting with those three. It was easy - I didn’t feel the need to keep up airs or act a certain way. For the first time in my life, I felt my age. I never wanted the moment to end.
Even if we find a way to remove this curse, I don’t know if I want to. Being brought back to the age of eighteen is disorienting, but something tells me I’m better off like this. I can experience life for real this time - from what my journals said, I lost a big part of myself at an early age. I don’t know if I want to go back to my true age if it means losing whatever I found in those three. I don’t want to see Lan Jingyi leave my life as quickly as he came into it. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t help but feel this way.
Heart slamming against his ribs, Lan Jingyi flipped the page. He was no longer worried about the author of the journal coming back and catching him red handed. All he could focus on was learning about the days that had been taken from him. From the sounds of it, they were good days filled with laughter and teasing...
So why?
The next entry was dated the next day.
I had enough of my journals. I don’t know how Lan Jingyi can sit there and read entry after entry and still have the heart to look at me but I felt like I was going to explode if I had to read one more horrid thing I had done. I had dragged him out of my chambers. There was only one thing I could think of that would help me - a spar.
He surprised me yet again by offering a wager. I had been caught so off guard that I gave a vague ultimatum but he seemed to know exactly what he wanted - for me to go into town with him, Lan Sizhui, and Jin Ling to drink. It was such a random request but even if I won the spar I think I would have gone anyway.
Lan Jingyi fights like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I know how GusuLan fights - it’s like they’re dancing through the air, their movements graceful as moonlight and swift as a current. Lan Jingyi had both of those qualities, but there was something more to his fighting style. He teased me relentlessly as he fought, switching between offense and defence flawlessly. At one point I was sure I had cut him and was about to call the match but he acted like nothing happened. I assumed I had seen wrong and the match ended in a tie. I was about to accept my loss when he assured me that a tie meant we both won, since technically neither of us lost.
I feel ashamed to even write it down, but the joy I felt in that moment, knowing I would be allowed to go into town with them that evening made my throat sting.
That idiot gave himself away, though. He winced and it was enough for me to know I had actually cut him. That dumbass continued to fight when the win was clearly his! I always go swimming
after a spar to cool off, but I wasn’t sure what the protocol was for him. Even if I don’t understand GusuLan’s rules, I didn’t want to put him in an uncomfortable situation so I decided to bring him back to my family’s courtyard.
Once again he found a way to comfort me when all I deserved was to wallow in my own self hatred. I don’t understand how he keeps doing that, but what I understand even less is how it always works.
Thankfully the wound had been shallow, so healing it had been easy. Little did he know, while we were walking to the courtyard I thought of what I wanted my prize to be. It may be selfish of me, but I desperately want to know what he would look like in YunmengJiang robes. He’s actually changing now, but he’ll be coming by my chambers before we meet the other two so I can do his hair.
In the courtyard I foolishly challenged him to a race. I thought I would have had the upper hand, but I managed to forget how strong Lans are. I beat him to the other side of the lake, but just barely. He popped up only a beat after me, and the awe I felt seeing him gasp for breath choked me. To cover my embarrassment I went to find some lotus pods.
Back on the shore we shared them. I taught him how to peel the seeds, and even though it seemed he already knew how he didn’t say a word of it and listened closely to my explanation. He didn’t seem the fondest of lotus seeds, but I found I couldn’t be too disappointed when I saw the happiness on his face when I ate them. He seemed so shocked when I finally told him my request, but at the same time he seemed pleased. He may not have shown it outright, but I noticed how his eyes seemed to sparkle as he rushed away.
He should be back any minute. I both look forward to it and dread it because I don’t know how to handle the way he makes my heart flutter. It’ll only be worse when I see him in my robes.
When I first woke up at this age, none of the robes in my room fit me - they were far too broad for my frame, but it seems despite how vile I become, I remained sentimental for many of my robes from when I was this age were kept in my old rooms. We look to be about the same size, though his shoulders are a little broader than mine.
Our robes are much lighter than the ones he wears, so hopefully there won’t be any discomfort.
The next entry was dated from the next morning, but the handwriting was different - it looked sloppy and rushed, as if he wrote in a hurry.
I don’t know how I’m going to face him. After last night... how I wish we could have ended the evening at the tea house. Everything would have been fine then. It had started out perfectly, going into town and finding the best tavern. The granny selling roasted nuts instantly recognized me, even though I am younger, but she didn’t seem too surprised. At the tavern, much to
Jingyi’s dismay, we played a drinking game I haven’t even thought about in years. I thought Jingyi had been exaggerating when he talked of his poor luck with the coin flip game but much to my horror he had been right - it was as if every time he flipped the coin it was magically drawn to a circle.
He whined the whole time but took his punishments without hesitation. The way the alcohol made his cheeks flush also made my heart flutter. At the time I tried to stomp it down - I was in no position to be feeling this way. Not when there was a chance I would be returning to my true age. Why would he want someone over two decades older than him pining after him? He’d be too uncomfortable to be in the same room as me, if he knew.
He clung to me on the walk to the teahouse and maybe it was selfish of me but I held him closer when I could. He looked stunning in purple. It made me want to steal him away and keep him in my robes forever. He was beautiful in GusuLan robes, but then again everyone did. The white mourning clothes they wore were elegant and masterfully sewn. Even a leper would look royal in GusuLan robes.
But Lan Jingyi seemed to glow in purple. It complimented his blush so perfectly. I felt like a horrible person for thinking such thoughts.
The tea house wasn’t what I was expecting but it was lovely nonetheless. The only downside was the serving girl who kept staring at him. It pissed me off for some reason and impulsively I pulled him closer to me, holding him by the waist as he swayed. She seemed to take the hint and left. It left a sour taste of pride in my mouth.
On the walk back to Lotus Pier I offered to carry him on my back. He was swaying quite a bit by then and I feared he might fall and injure himself. It absolutely wasn’t just an excuse to hold him close once more. Lan Sizhui and Jin Ling seemed hesitant about it but at the time I didn’t understand why.
I learned quickly. Apparently the Lan have a very unique way of handling their liquor. It was only thanks to the other two for working Jingyi’s tolerance up to a level where he could actually enjoy it that he didn’t succumb to his blood instantly. He passed out on my back, but when Lan Sizhui tried to get him into sleeping clothes he woke up - but he was a completely different person.
I never even thought such cold words could come from his mouth. It shocked me down to my core to hear him snap at his dearest friends, but it was the tears in his eyes that made my heart crack.
The panic I felt when he ran out of the room still grips me. Lan Sizhui explained that Lans tend to act polar opposite when they’re drunk, but Jingyi usually gets melancholy before falling back to sleep. The only times he got angry were when he was bottling something up, but what could he have been hiding that weighed so heavily on his heart?
I raced to find him. Lan Sizhui implied he might harm himself if left alone and the thought of that alone sobered me instantly. Thankfully he was under the same tree he had found me under, when he first arrived in Lotus Pier. He was angry but didn’t send me away, which I took as a good sign.
I fear I lost my temper with him at a certain point. It just pissed me off so much hearing the vile lies that spilled from his lips. He seemed to have internalized a lot of what happened to him as a child.
He said he believed the world would be better without him in it.
I felt time stop at those words. It forced me to imagine a world without Lan Jingyi in it - what my life would be without him - and it made me want to throw up. I tried to get through to him, to tell him how loved he was and how devastated we would be, but I don’t know how much it actually helped.
I also don’t know how to feel about what happened next. He had been yelling, then crying, then the next thing I knew he was kissing me. It was messy and harsh but I couldn’t help but lean into it. My first kiss, taken by a drunk Jingyi under my favorite tree. Every part of me yearned for the kiss to continue - to go farther - but I couldn’t forget how he was drunk. I didn’t want him to regret it in the morning.
To regret me.
Thankfully I didn’t need to make any decisions for he passed out shortly after. I carried him back to his room but my feet were moving on their own. My mind was far away, recalling the heat of his mouth on mine. The feeling of his teeth biting my lip and his tongue tasting the last of the wine on my own.
Lan Sizhui took him from me and promised he would be okay, but that he wouldn’t remember anything. It both calmed me and scared me, knowing I would be the only one who recalled the things he said, and the kiss he took from me. As much as I wanted to stay and make sure of it myself, I was a mess. I still am, if I’m being honest. Even a few hours of sleep wasn’t enough to settle my mind.
On my way back to my own chambers I found Wei Wuxian. He saw I was disheveled and asked if I wanted to talk. My gut reaction was to deny it but then I recalled my journals, and how everything went wrong because I pushed him away, so I agreed.
The look on his face broke my heart. He was both shocked and overjoyed that I did something as simple as accept his offer to listen. How bad was our relationship that something so small could have such an impact?
We spoke for a while, and it both lightened my heart and condemned it further. I wasn’t even present at his wedding. After everything, I couldn’t even be there for him on such an important day. He defended me, saying something had gone wrong on a night hunt here and I needed to stay behind to care for my disciples, and that I sent many gifts to make up for it, but it all felt like excuses.
Why does everyone keep making excuses for me?
I woke up a short while ago and found he was still snoring in my bed. It seems after all these years and a new body, he was still the same. My stomach is growling at me, but I felt compelled to write this out before I did anything else. Having the words down on paper instead of floating aimlessly in my head helps. I hate that it does, but it helps.
Lan Jingyi’s knees gave out, slamming onto the cushion below him harshly. His breathing was ragged, his heartbeat thudding deafeningly in his ears. There’s no way all this happened, right?
But then why else would Wanyin take the time to write it all down? Was this why Jingyi allowed the goddess to take his time from him? Had he found out of his shame? Or had he done something worse to drive him to such extremes?
According to the dates on the entries, there was one more day left in the time that had been taken from him. Dread wormed its way into his heart, poisoning his blood as his traitorous body pushed it through his veins.
How did everything happen in a single day? I don’t even know how I have the energy to write, but I need to get it out before it consumes me. Even now, as I hold the brush, my hands are shaking.
The first thing I did upon waking was go to find Jingyi. He was in the dining hall with the others and despite my apprehension I went to them. I didn’t know how to feel about Jingyi not remembering what had happened, but the moment I saw how pitiful he looked, all hesitation flew away. I tried my best to ease his hangover, but my focus wasn’t entirely on the task at hand. The way he curled into my side, the way he so easily trusted me. It made my stomach roll.
I asked for a bath to be drawn for him, because I know a hot soak always helps me when I’m feeling under the weather. Lan Sizhui asked to speak to me, which only made me more nervous.
That nervousness only grew when Jin Ling came along.
The last thing I had been expecting was for the two of them to bow low to me, apologizing for whatever Jingyi might have done. I begged them to stand but they were resolute. They admitted that Jingyi was their dearest friend, and that he would never do something to purposely hurt me.
They tried to press me on what happened but I stayed silent. Lan Sizhui asked if something had happened without my consent and it took everything in me not to snap at him for even daring to suggest such a thing. I gave myself away though. I hadn’t meant to do it, but I touched my lips as I recalled the kiss and those two put the pieces together instantly. I felt ice rush over my head when Lan Sizhui told me it was his first kiss too.
The two of them tried to convince me to tell Jingyi, but I knew I couldn’t. My feelings would be a burden on him, and if I was ever the reason the smile on his face dimmed, or the sparkle in his eye went out, I would never be able to forgive myself.
He found me shortly after and we went to the back woods to perform Inquiry. I didn’t understand what was happening at the time. Lan Wangji would ask a question as he played his guqin and a mysterious third instrument would join them to answer. Jingyi told me he wasn’t very good at musical cultivation, but I thought his dizi playing was even better than Lan Wangji’s guqin.
I wish I had been able to understand what was being said, because the fear I felt seeing Jingyi’s eyes fly open in horror, his tears coating his cheeks as he stared at me... it made something in me crack and all the while I was oblivious to what he was hearing.
I found out quickly, though.
According to the spirit, I had been about to take my own life with Sandu. It went to find some forgotten goddess that could take away the pain that pushed me to that point and she saved me.
It said it had never been a curse, but a blessing. This goddess physically took away the years that had caused me so much pain, and that getting those years back would push me to the edge of destruction once more.
Jingyi was inconsolable, holding onto my robes and crying silently. I have never seen him cry silently before. It was somehow more terrifying than what I had just learned about myself. I brought him back to my quarters while Wei Wuxian filled Lan Sizhui and Jin Ling in on the situation. I had him change into my robes again, for his own had gotten filthy in the forest.
I never meant for it to get out of hand, but I couldn’t help myself. He was teasing me and the next thing I knew I was pinning him to my bed. My thoughts were so clouded that I couldn’t even recognize the danger I was placing him in. I had told myself that I would never act on my impulses because it ran such a high risk of hurting him, but my heart seemed to be more powerful.
This time I was the one to kiss him. It wasn’t as harsh as the kiss we shared last night but it made me crave more. I didn’t even know what I was doing, or what I wanted. All I knew was I wanted him.
Once again, my stupid mouth ruined everything. He made a comment about taking responsibility for stealing his first kiss and my dumbass said something about him needing to take responsibility first. I tried to backtrack but he was too smart and I ended up telling him the truth, despite just promising myself that morning that I would take it to my grave.
He ran out after. I don’t blame him. He was probably horrified that I took advantage of him when he was vulnerable, then to add insult to injury I did it a second time. I tried to find him but he was gone. It was as if he had vanished. I searched everywhere I could think of but kept coming up empty handed. Just as I was about to go mad, Wei Wuxian returned. Apparently he and Lan Wangji had gone into town to ask around about any legends regarding this goddess.
We realized at the same time the one place I hadn’t checked. The back woods.
Much to my horror, the woods seemed empty. As we returned to Lotus Pier, Lan Wangji came by with someone else. I instantly knew who it was, and the way my heart lightened so instantly made it ache. All I could think was to thank the gods for keeping him safe when I failed to do so.
However, Lan Wangji was acting strange. He held his sleeve up to hide Jingyi from us. Stranger still, Jingyi seemed to be hiding behind Lan Wangji on purpose. I thought maybe it was some sort of prank, or that he was simply embarrassed from what happened. I pulled him into an embrace and apologized. I hadn’t meant to cry but I was so guilty and scared. I promised to make it up to him, if he would be willing to give me the chance.
Then he pulled away from me. He looked at me with no recognition. He bowed and spoke to me as if I were a stranger. As much as I refused to humor the thought, there was only one reason for him to be acting this way.
He found the goddess, and she took the last few days from him as she had taken my years from me.
But why? Why was he so desperate to do something so drastic? Was it because of me? Because of what I did to him? As much as it hurts, it’s still the only thing I can think of. I drove him to this.
It’s all my fault.
We brought him back and sat him down and tried to explain things to him. He had changed out of my robes and into a spare set of Lan Sizhui’s. I had no right to, but I felt jealous seeing him in all white again. I tried to get his attention, to ask if we could talk, but he once more spoke to me as if I were a stranger and left.
I don’t know how I’m going to face him tomorrow. If I thought this morning was bad, after the first kiss, this is a thousand times worse. The right thing to do would be to distance myself, but I know myself too well. I won’t be able to stay away, even with the knowledge that it was my own fault this happened to him.
It seems even with the chance to relive my years and make things right where I had gone horribly wrong in the past, I still managed to hurt those I care most about. Maybe the curse was never from the goddess, but from me. Maybe the real curse is being someone I care for, for it seems everyone I care for suffers.
“Oh Wanyin...” Teardrops fell onto the page, smearing the ink.
Wanyin had been suffering so much because of him. Whatever he did, Jingyi was sure it wasn’t Wanyin’s fault. He would never blame the younger man for his pain. If anything, he blamed himself. Whatever pushed him to seek out the goddess was his own doing, and it made his heart shatter knowing Wanyin was blaming himself this whole time.
He remembered that last part, and what happened the next day, but reading it from Wanyin’s perspective opened his eyes. Now that he knew how Wanyin was feeling about everything, Lan Jingyi could easily see the hesitation in the younger man’s actions at breakfast that morning. How Wanyin wouldn’t walk close to him, seemed to hold him at arms length despite it seeming to cause him pain.
He needed to find Wanyin. Immediately. He didn’t care that the younger man might be angry at him for reading the journal. He needed to find him and explain himself. He needed to make sure Wanyin understood that the blame wasn’t on his shoulders - that it never was, and that it never could be.
As he stood to rush out of the room, he glanced down at the marble. Even in the inner family’s courtyard, where barriers and arrays kept them safe, it felt wrong to leave it sitting out in the open like that. He reached down to wrap it back up in the cloth, planning on tucking it away until he could find its owner.
The moment his skin came in contact with the glass, the world around him seemed to tilt. The colors of his room ran until they blended into one another, creating a blotchy, muddled mess as his blood roared in his ears.
The world around him turned black.
Then, he opened his eyes again.
You watched them through the window, sitting on your father’s throne as the bodies of your parents lay mangled and bloodied at their feet. Wen Chao grinned as his whore bitched and moaned about the bruise forming on her cheek.
You were going to make them pay.
Notes:
TADA! This is actually part of one of the other endings I had in mind. The marble one ended up winning, but I really wanted Jingyi to read about what happened! It was a lot of fun, writing everything from Wanyin's perspective. I've always adored an unreliable narrator, and we've seen them mention how unreliable JC is in his journals.
Chapter 12: Twenty Seven Years
Notes:
be warned I took some major liberties with the details and order of certain events 👉🏻👈🏻 that being said the tags will be updated for this chapter
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Lan Jingyi didn’t know what he was seeing. It was as if he were watching a play through another’s eyes, unable to move the body that housed his mind.
“What the...?” He said, or rather, thought. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t blink. He was weak to the whims of his host. He was looking at Lotus Pier, but it wasn’t how he knew it. It was similar, but he realized he must be seeing the Lotus Pier that Wanyin grew up in.
[Wei Wuxian pulled you away, whispering something into your ear but you couldn’t hear it. All you could hear was your own rage, crashing like waves through your skull. Your body ached from where Zidian had coiled so tightly around you but that was of no consequence.
Stumbling to your feet, you lunged in the direction of the plumes of smoke rising into the night sky. Hands were on you again, yanking you down to the ground harshly.
“You can’t!” Wei Wuxian cried, tears dripping down pale cheeks. His robes were in tatters, the blood from Zidian’s marks upon his back beginning to soak into the sides of the fabric. “You’ll be killed-”
“This- this is all your fault!” You bellowed, vision going red as you reached your hands up. Wei Wuxian didn’t try to fight you as you wrapped shaking hands around his throat, throwing him to the ground so that you could hover over him.
“J-Jiang Ch-Cheng-” He gasped, the paleness of his face instantly giving way to a purplish flush. It sickened you, how even now he dared to show the colors of the family he had betrayed.
“They’re dead because of you!” You screamed, tightening your grip on his throat. He spasmed, the rain beating down on your back turning the ground below him muddy. The grit of the mud must have been digging into his wounds, you thought as you pushed him down harder into the dirt. He tried to cry out, but he couldn’t. “All because you had to save Lan Wangji!! He’s not your family! WE ARE!”]
Lan Jingyi could feel Senior Wei’s heartbeat fluttering against his palms, the frantic rhythm getting weaker and weaker. He tried to cry out when Senior Wei’s eyes rolled back in his head, but it was only when Jiang Wanyin decided it was enough did he release his brother. He continued to hover over Senior Wei’s unconscious body for a moment before collapsing down into the mud.
[You were cold, and hurting, but it couldn’t hold a flame to how numb the agony in your chest was. This was all Wei Wuxian’s fault...
You curled closer to your brother’s unconscious body, sobbing hysterically into his ruined robes. The scent of iron mixed with the earthy smell of the mud and the rain as you gagged on your cries.]
The world seemed to shift again, colors blurring into one another until he felt he would be sick. If he had control of his body he honestly might have lost his supper but because he was simply a spectator, all he could do was blink in time with Jiang Wanyin.
”[His core...”
You stared blankly at the ceiling. There was a cold, gaping maw in the center of your chest. Your limbs felt so heavy you wondered if you would ever be able to move them again. You couldn’t tell who was speaking, but you didn’t need to hear what they were going to say because you already knew.
Your core had been melted. It burned like a white hot iron piercing your gut, the warmth that had soothed you since you had formed it dripping out of your shaking body until you were a hollow, frigid shell. Even now, you could only focus on breathing. If you tried to focus on anything else, you might lose your mind entirely.
How were you supposed to rebuild Lotus Pier now? How were you supposed to avenge your parents? Protect your sister? Win the war?
You were mundane. You were worse than mundane. A cultivator without his core was less than worthless.
You felt a hand wipe sweat from your forehead. You couldn’t discern any temperatures, feeling both feverish and ice cold.
“What can we do?” A familiar voice asked. Hearing that voice made you flinch. You wanted to reach out and choke the rest of the life out of him, but judging by how raspy his voice was you already did a good amount of damage.
“There’s nothing we can do,” The first voice said. “Once a core is melted, there’s no going back. There’s no restoring it.”
“I’ll figure something out,” Wei Wuxian promised, sounding grim. “No matter what it takes.”]
Lan Jingyi felt faint. He knew what this was... after Senior Wei recounted his side of the events, he reluctantly admitted the reason why he turned to demonic cultivation in the first place - to save his brother, who had gotten his core melted by Wen Zhuliu. Sect Leader Jiang hadn’t even known until after Senior Wei was resurrected, but the rest of the cultivation world stayed in the dark for years after that.
The sight of the ceiling faded away, but when he felt the world settle again, he couldn’t see anything. He panicked for a second before he heard a familiar voice.
[”Remember, whatever you do you can’t remove the blindfold,” Wei Wuxian warned him for the tenth time since leaving the care of Wen Qing and Wen Ning. “You’ll follow this path up the mountain where Baoshan Sanren will meet you at the summit.”
“How did you even find the immortal Baoshan Sanren?” You muttered, still feeling weak. You had on an extra set of outer robes but the chill still seemed to soak into your bones. The throbbing, ragged edges of where your core once sat continued to weep, making you wish each morning that you hadn’t woken up at all.
“Ah, that’s a story for another time,” Wei Wuxian laughed. You could tell it was forced, but the sound of it relaxed you anyway. Despite everything that had happened - everything that you had done - he was still trying to make you feel better. You were disgusting. “Survive this trip and I’ll tell you all about it.”
“Where will you be?”
“Find me in the tavern in the town at the base of the mountain,” Wei Wuxian hummed, taking your hand in his. You flinched at the contact before attempting to soak up as much of his warmth as you could. Your fingers felt like ice against the fire of his skin. “I’ll make sure to have a jar of wine with your name on it.”
“Mark your words, Wei Wuxian.” You didn’t want to have hope, but that was the thing about hope - it landed like a moth, fluttering its weak, delicate wings even against the monsoon like winds of reality.]
Lan Jingyi wanted to cry, but he couldn’t. He could feel everything that Wanyin had felt - every thought, every ache, every heart of his heart. He could feel each inhale of his lungs and urge to take the nearest blade and run it across his throat-
So taking his own life wasn’t a new concept to Jiang Wanyin. The realization scared him to his core - his core, which he could no longer feel. He knew it must exist, wherever his body was, but all he could feel was the agonizing hole that had been punched into his- Wanyin’s chest.
What was that?
He knew it was Wanyin’s core that had been melted, not his own.
He wished he could shake his head, but he was still trapped in Wanyin’s memories - something that he was reminded of as the world came into focus again.
[You grit your teeth, desperately trying to hold your tongue. Despite your best efforts, Zidian revealed your anger as it crackled on your finger. The cultivator that had been getting in your face paled and stumbled back a step.
“Sect Leader Jiang,” Another voice boomed. You turned your head just enough to see Nie Mingjue staring directly at you, his handsome face twisted in a sneer. “Though his tact was lacking, he raises a good point - where is your head disciple? Wei Wuxian disappeared after the burning of Lotus Pier and no one’s seen him since...”
“And like I told him,” You growled, Zidian crackling louder as you used your head to gesture to the cultivator who had made the mistake of accusing you of hiding your brother. “I don’t know where he went. I, too, wish he was here. He would be a great asset to the war, but as things stand now, we need to focus on winning with what resources we actually have.”
“If he comes back, you need to remind him of his duty to the cultivation world,” Nie Mingjue narrowed his eyes. “We have to win this war, no matter the cost.”
“I understand.” You glowered. Better than anyone, you thought to yourself.]
Lan Jingyi shook. He knew where Senior Wei was...
He was in the Burial Mounds after Wen Chao threw him in there, thinking it enough to eradicate the world of the cultivator known as Wei Wuxian.
The world shifted again.
[The sound of a dizi, haunting and beautiful, carried over the wind. You felt a shiver run down your spine as you entered the Supervisional Office. It was silent as a grave, other than the breeze blowing leaves across your path and that gods accursed dizi. Gripping Sandu tightly, you continued further in.
You didn’t know what to expect. You had come here to ambush the Wens controlling the office only to find the two guards at the gate both dead - one, his neck broken. The other, his throat slit by his own blade.
Bile caressed the back of your tongue when you felt a surge of resentful energy rush across the area. Zidian crackled, as if to comfort you. The figure beside you was silent as always, a ghost clothed in white, carved of the purest jade. Lan Wangji had never spoken to you much, but after Wei Wuxian went missing, he seemed to close in on himself even more. You weren’t even sure why he decided to join you on this mission, but you were in no position to turn down aid - especially from someone as powerful at Hanguang-Jun.
Pride had no place in war. Even if you had any left, you would have swallowed it down and accepted his help anyway. As far as you were concerned, the only thing that mattered was surviving to see the next sunrise.
“What the fuck is this?” You bit out as you squinted at the talisman on the door. At first glance it was a standard evil-repelling talisman, something you learned how to make before you even got your sword. After a closer look, however, you saw it was anything but. There were extra strokes in the characters drawn with something that had once been red, but was quickly drying to a sickly brown.
“Spirit attraction?” Lan Wangji seemed to notice at the same time you did, his brows furrowing the smallest amount.
“Let’s keep going.” You snapped, a sinking feeling in your stomach clashing painfully with the swell of hope that got lodged in your throat.
There was only one person you could think of that was stupid enough - and genius enough - to alter a talisman in such a way, but you couldn’t get your hopes up. Wei Wuxian had been missing for months, and it was in everyone’s best interest to assume him dead. Wasting energy and resources on finding a ghost wasn’t going to win them this war.
You had lost so many soldiers. A month ago you had nearly two hundred under your command.
Now, the numbers were less than two dozen.
And it was all your fault. If only you were a real general, someone trained for the trenches of war. If only you paid more attention in your lectures, or read more books on warfare, or were born in a different generation...
But there wasn’t any time to dwell on the ifs. The only thing you were allowed to do was focus on the present. Focus on taking out the Supervisory Office and returning to camp before you became just another number on the casualty report.
The sound of screaming made you jump, but not much. You were far too used to the sounds of death, which was why you knew whoever was screaming wouldn’t be in this world for much longer. The person continued to scream, the sound suddenly getting higher in pitch before cutting off sharply. You took a steadying breath.
Your mother would be ashamed to see how shaken you were. By this point, you should be an unbreakable slab of steel, your edge honed to cut down enemies without ever faltering.
“Please! Please spare me!” A voice sobbed, begged, cried. Whoever was making such pitiful sounds was behind the door directly in front of you.
“And why should I do that, Second Master Wen?” A painfully familiar voice made you freeze. Beside you, Lan Wangji froze as well. “Or should I call you First Master Wen? Seeing how your brother was killed in such a brutal way.”
“I’ll do anything!” Wen Chao begged, his voice wavering in pain and fear. “Anything! I-I’l speak to my father! He-he can-”
“Your father?” Wei Wixian’s voice dropped, his words cold and sharp. It made you flinch. Since when did Wei Wuxian have the ability to speak like that? “I couldn’t give less of a fuck about your son of a bitch father... you, on the other hand? You will answer for your sins, Wen Chao.”
“N-NO!” The sound of a dizi began playing once again.
You couldn’t take it anymore. You threw open the door despite how your very core seemed to quiver in your chest. There, in the center of the room, stood Wei Wuxian in the flesh. He was thin as a skeleton and pale as a ghost, his eyes glowing an ominous red, but despite all of this he was still your brother.
“Jiang Cheng,” He said, lowering his dizi for a moment. The corpse that had been crawling towards Wen Chao paused, as if awaiting instructions. Wen Chao was cowering in the corner, his once expensive robes completely saturated in crimson. You noted how much of the red seemed to be focused around his pelvis but you refused to imagine what could have caused such a thing.
“Hanguang-Jun.”
You reeled back at the cold tone your brother used to address Lan Wangji. You couldn’t help but glance over at the man in question, your heart sinking a little at the minute widening of the other man’s golden eyes. It wasn’t often something could get such an expression from the peerless Hanguang-Jun.
“It looks like you’ve cornered the rabid dog,” You felt your mouth twisting in a blood thirsty grin. Realizing your error, you looked at Wei Wuxian, expecting to see some sort of reaction, but all that showed on his face was keen disinterest. That scared you. “Shall we finish this?”
“We should take him-”
“You won’t be needed here, Hanguang-Jun,” Wei Wuxian cut him off. You heard Lan Wangji suck in a silent, harsh breath. “This is a matter for YunmengJiang to take care of. GusuLan has no right to interfere.”
“Wei Wuxian-”
“Lan Wangji,” Wei Wuxian spun around, fixing a manic grin on his face. “Do you wish to be on the receiving end of what happened to all these idiot Wens? No? Then I suggest you leave of your own volition - before I make you.”
Lan Wangji stood frozen, not even the sounds of Wen Chao’s whimpering or the corpse’s gargling seemed to be enough to break the incredulous look he was giving Wei Wuxian.
“We will meet back up at the inn when we’re finished here.” You said. You may not know Lan Wangji all that well, but after months of fighting alongside him in this gods forsaken war, you knew a trick or two to get him to listen. Encouraging the following of protocall seemed to work best, so you reminded him of the plan they had put in place before leaving camp.
“...Mhm.” Lan Wangji hummed, looking pained. After another moment of fixing Wei Wuxian with an expression that seemed to yearn to convey a desperate message, he turned on his heel and left the room.]
Lan Jingyi didn’t know this part. He knew that Wei Wuxian- no, Senior Wei had sent Hanguang-Jun away, but he wasn’t sure even Hanguang-Jun knew exactly what happened after he left.
[You turned to observe the corpse, a faint sense of familiarity washing over you. At a second glance, you gasped.
“Is that-?”
“His run through whore?” Wei Wuxian chuckled, the sound nearing hysterical. “Of course~ I made sure she suffered plenty, so don’t worry about that.”
“What... what did you do to her?” As vindicated as you felt, knowing the whore suffered, the sight of the mangled corpse made you feel sick to your stomach.
“Nothing too exciting,” Wei Wuxian hummed, spinning the dizi in one hand. Despite his disinterested expression, the red glow had yet to fade from once silver eyes. “Oh! I made her shove a chair leg down her own throat. I thought it was fitting - she got her position by doing much the same to the pig over there, so it only made sense for her to go out in the same way. It was quite pitiful, watching her try to scream.”
“You...” You trailed off, not sure what you wanted to do. Yell at him for disappearing? Hold him close so he could never leave you again? Lecture him for turning to something as taboo and dangerous as demonic cultivation, for what else could this strange power radiating off his too-thin frame be? Instead of doing any of those things, you turned your attention to the cowering man. “Killing him instantly would be a mercy.”
“Which is why we can’t do that yet,” A mad smile grew on Wei Wuxian’s gaunt face. It was the most expression you had seen from him and it made goosebumps erupt along your skin. “I say we keep playing with him a little longer, like he did with Uncle Jiang and Madam Yu when he burned Lotus Pier to the ground.”
Anger erupted in your blood as you recalled that night - seeing your parent’s bodies discarded like broken play things on the floor of their once majestic home. Wen Chao sitting with his whore in your father’s throne, shouting about all the changes he would make.
Wen Chao seemed to realize the extent of the danger he was in and his trembling stopped abruptly. He gazed at Wei Wuxian with vacant, dead eyes, his head lolling to one side as his face paled ever further.
“What of Wen Zhuliu?”
“I already took care of him,” Wei Wuxian said with a casual shrug. “I wanted to play with him longer but he was too much of a threat. You should have seen his face, Cheng-Cheng, when I had him melt his own core. It was... a sight to behold.”
An unhinged grin once again replaced the disinterest. You felt your knees weaken but you forced yourself to stay upright.
“Now... what should we do with our dear friend here?” Wei Wuxian asked, returning to twirling his jet black dizi.
“ I have an idea...” You found yourself matching his grin. The resentful energy in the room doubled as you both turned to look at Wen Chao.]
Lan Jingyi could have sobbed when the scene changed. He didn’t know if he would be able to handle seeing first hand what they did to Wen Chao. Just what he had seen so far had been enough to make him want to go mad.
[”Wei Wuxian! Carry your fucking sword!” You shouted, trying to shove the offending object into the other man’s hands. Wei Wuxian took it as if it were a snake prepared to strike, his face blank. “You’re making a laughing stock of YunmengJiang! Is this how you repay us for everything we’ve done for you!?”
“Ha... sorry, Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian let out a humorless chuckle. He placed the sword onto the cot of his tent. He had been given one far away from the rest of the soldiers at the war camp, at his own request. “Guess I haven’t felt like carrying it around much anymore. Besides, I have Chenqing. That’s all I need to win us this war.”
“You’re a disgrace.” You whispered, unable to even bring yourself to yell. Somehow, that made him physically flinch away from you. Anger raged through you, but you had long lost the strength to bite it back. Wei Wuxian had returned to the frontlines a few months ago and while he was an unstoppable force, he was making their allies uneasy. He was making you uneasy.
He never seemed to gain any weight, despite their attempts to get him to eat three - or more - meals a day. He isolated himself, only appearing in front of prying eyes for war meetings and promptly vanishing the moment they adjourned.
The one suffering the most, much to your disgust, was Lan Wangji. As much as you hated how Wei Wuxian would cling to the Second Jade during your studies, it was even more unsettling to see your brother - could you even still call him that? - avoid his precious Lan Zhan as if his life depended on it. On the rare instance that they were forced to be in the same vicinity, Wei Wuxian pretended Lan Wangji didn’t even exist.
You were losing him. Your brother, the only thing from your home you had left - other than your sister, who was thankfully far away from the battlefields - was slipping through your fingers, and it was all your fault. You had pushed him away, blaming him for everything that went wrong. A small part of you knew the Wens storming Lotus Pier couldn’t have stemmed from something as inconsequential as Wei Wuxian - the Wen-dogs had it planned from the start, only using Wei Wuxian as an excuse - but you had taken it out on him regardless. Then he found Baoren Sanren in order to restore your golden core and decided to fuck off to gods know where, leaving you all alone to head an army.
You wanted to break his stupid nose. You wanted to sob into his chest in the way you haven’t since you were a child. You didn’t know what you wanted, but whatever it was, it wasn’t this stalemate between you.
“This one apologizes, Sect Leader Jiang,” Wei Wuxian wouldn’t look at you. “I will make an attempt to save face for your sect.”
“Our sect.” You corrected, hating how Wei Wuxian simply smiled - a sad, pathetic thing on a too-thin face. A smile he couldn’t even bring himself to give you fully, only able to show it to his lap.
“Of course,” he hummed, pulling his shoulders in around his ears. “You should go, Jiang Cheng. I’m sure you’re needed for something far more important right now.”
“Come to dinner,” You commanded. “That’s an order from your Sect Leader, Wei Wuxian.”
“Of course...” He repeated, voice somehow ever softer than before.]
Wei Wuxian... how could he!? After everything his parents did for him? He sent his own dogs away for him! And this was how he repaid YunmengJiang? By refusing to carry his sword in favor of flaunting the dark arts? Jiang Wanyin was fuming-
No, Lan Jingyi. He was Lan Jingyi, not Jiang Wanyin... So why was it so hard to remember that?
[”So that’s it? After everything we’ve done for you?” You spat, trying to pressure Wei Wuxian into rescinding the horrid words he had just spoken.
“I’m not going to let innocents die, Jiang Cheng!” He yelled back.
“They’re Wens! None of them are innocent!”
“Is... is that really what you think?” Wei Wuxian’s voice shook. You wanted to take a step back but you held yourself in place. Who did Wei Wuxian think he was? He was being praised as a war hero - the reason they won the war at all! But now he was... defecting?
“If you walk out that door, you’re no longer welcome in YunmengJiang.” You couldn’t believe the words coming out of your mouth, but you were too livid to even consider the implications. Wei Wuxian stumbled back as if you had physically struck him. You stared at each other for a moment, one set of eyes wide and desperate, searching for some spark of empathy in the other set of sharp eyes, hatred and disgust nearly making them glow.
“Fine,” Wei Wuxian said after another agonizing moment of silence. You felt your throat close. Your hand twitched, yearning to reach out and stop Wei Wuxian, but you were made from stone. Your brother - no, Wei Wuxian - reached down and undid the YunmengJiang bell from his belt. He cradled it in his palm for a moment, gazing at the shining metal with a painfully fond expression before hardening his face and looking at you directly. Without looking away, he put his hand out and let the bell drop unceremoniously to the ground. “I, Wei Wuxian, hereby leave YunmengJiang. From here on out, nothing I do will reflect on YunmengJiang. None of my actions will be answered to by YunmengJiang. From this moment onward, YunmengJiang has no claim over me.”
“So that’s how it’s going to be,” You couldn’t even bring yourself to snap. All that could be heard in your voice was bone-deep exhaustion. Wei Wuxian nodded, averting his eyes. “In that case, get the fuck out of the sight. You’re nothing more than a stranger to me.”
“Goodbye, Jiang Cheng.” Wei Wuxian whispered, bowing low at the waist before turning and walking away, not even sparing a final glance to the person he once considered his own brother.]
He left me. He left me. He left me. Traitor. Traitor. Traitortraitortraitor-
He was filled with murderous rage. If he ever saw Wei Wuxian again, he would slit his throat like the street trash he really was! How dare he walk away so easily? How dare he throw away everything as if it never mattered to him? Throw away his home? His family?
His brother?
He howled in his mind, unable to scream fully. He wanted Wei Wuxian to suffer the way he made his family suffer.
The scene changed.
[“I didn’t even... get to see you...” Your Jiejjie whispered, a warm smile on her face despite the wound causing crimson to stain her white mourning robes. You were frozen on the spot - why was she there? She was supposed to be in Koi Tower with her son!
So why was she lying cradled in Wei Wuxian’s arms in the middle of a battle?
You saw a resentful corpse lunge at Wei Wuxian, and even if you wanted to call out to warn him you couldn’t. Your Jiejie, however, wasn’t frozen the way you were. As if in slow motion, you watched her push Wei Wuxian back just for a sword to land a fatal blow. Jiang Yanli used the last of her strength to save the man who abandoned her.
“JIE-” You screamed loud enough to feel blood run down your throat. You raced over, violently grabbing Wei Wuxian. Hauling him to his feet, you shook him as hard as you could, not caring that he wasn’t even trying to fight you. “YOU SAID YOU COULD CONTROL IT!”
“I-” He was crying. Shaking. The red that had become so familiar was nowhere to be seen, leaving heartbroken silver shining back at you. He looked so young, in that moment. It enraged you even more. “I didn’t- I can’t- I didn’t tell them to-”
“You killed her-” You spat. If it weren’t for a resentful corpse lunging at you, causing you to drop him in order to cut it down, you weren’t sure if you would be able to prevent yourself from running him through yourself. By the time you looked back, he was gone.]
It was all his fault. It was all his fault. Wei Wuxian, you will pay for what you’ve done!
How much more will you take from me before it’s enough for you?
He wanted Wei Wuxian dead. He wanted Wei Wuxian to suffer tenfold for each and every death he caused. He wanted Wei Wuxian to die-
[You fought against the resentful corpses but you could feel your strength waning. It seemed like they were unending, wave after wave of corpses lunging at you and your allies. You knew the risks when you staged the siege of the Burial Mounds, but at that point you didn’t have anything to lose. All that mattered was Wei Wuxian didn’t survive to see the sunrise. Whatever happened to you was unimportant.
“WEI WUXIAN!” You screamed in rage as Sandu cut down another corpse. It was wearing cultivator robes, but the fabric was too torn and stained to be able to tell which sect they had come from amidst the battle.
There, on the top of the hill, stood your demon.
His hair whipped around him as he played his dizi in a frenzy, the red of his eyes glowing bright enough to make him a beacon. You surged forward, cutting down corpses left and right, not caring about the wounds you were receiving.
The dizi stopped but you didn’t. As you got closer, you saw Wei Wuxian holding something in his hands. It was no larger than a soup bowl, but was seeped in resentful energy to the point where black, curling smoke wrapped around it.
Your body screamed at you to stop but you couldn’t. A scream built up in your throat, ripping its way past chapped, bleeding lips. You raised Sandu just as Wei Wuxian looked up to meet your eyes.
Time seemed to stop. For a second, it wasn’t the feared Yiling Patriarch in front of you, but rather Wei Wuxian - Wei Ying. The boy you grew up with. The boy who shot kites with you and went swimming to steal lotus pods with you. The boy who defended you with his life, who shared laughter and tears, who stood by you no matter what-
Sandu slid home, the honed blade not even hesitating to cut through Wei Wuxian’s stomach, his brittle bones and paper thin skin doing nothing to pose a threat. Wei Wuxian’s eyes widened before his face softened into a fond smile.
He reached out, as if to cup your cheek, and you found you would have let him despite everything.
Only for him to shove you away with a burst of resentful energy. You went flying back, skidding through the mud soaked with blood just as a deafening explosion made your ears ring. The light from the explosion was so bright it blinded you. You scrubbed at your eyes, wiping blood and sweat and grime away until you could see again.
Until you could see the way the remaining resentful corpses had turned, abandoning their slaughter against the invading cultivators, to instead dig their rotting teeth and unfeeling fingers into Wei Wuxian’s flesh. They screamed and howled but in all the chaos, Wei Wuxian never opened his mouth. You watched in horror as Wei Wuxian closed his eyes, as if to fall into a deep slumber.
There was a small smile on his lips that made the core in your chest stop spinning for a single bet. The corpses continued to rip him to shreds, his blood soaking their rotting skin until finally they dropped, once again returned to the cold embrace of death.
There, where Wei Wuxian had stood, was nothing more than a pile of bloody rags.]
No...
No!
Nonononononononono-
It wasn’t supposed to end like this! You weren’t supposed to leave me!
What am I going to do now? How am I going to lead our sect? How am I supposed to raise our nephew? You took everything from me, so how dare you leave like this!?
Why?
WHY!?
DAMN YOU, WEI WUXIAN!
[You look down at the infant in your arms. Your wounds still ached but you ignored the pain. Jin Ling was so small. He didn’t understand anything that happened. He was too young to even know who you were - to know who he had lost.
Who Wei Wuxian had taken from him.
Rage coursed through you but you remained outwardly calm. Jin Ling was a sensitive soul. He cried at the drop of a coin, and your mood swings were guaranteed to set him into a full blown tantrum.
“Why?” You whispered as the baby slept soundly in your arms. His other Uncle, Jin Guangyao, was too busy cleaning up the mess Jin Guangshan left behind after his... untimely demise, so Jin
Ling fell to you to care for. You were in Lotus Pier, holed away in your chambers. You couldn’t bear to go outside, to see the damage and the half-rebuilt structures, so you hid away with the last remaining member of your family.
Jin Ling yawned wide, his cheeks so round and innocent. The child settled back into your arms, sleeping as though he hadn’t a care in the world. It made something vile twist in your chest.
“Why did you survive but she didn’t?” You whispered. The sudden wave of horror at even thinking such a thing, let alone speaking it outloud, made you tremble. You quickly placed Jin Ling into his cradle before stumbling to the other side of the room. You wanted to rage - to throw all the papers on your desk onto the floor and destroy the furniture and scream and sob - but Jin Ling was a light sleeper, so instead you sat down at your desk and hid your face in your hands.
You were such a disgrace. You had the audacity to call Wei Wuxian a disgrace, but the whole time it had been you.
You were the disgrace. The pathetic, worthless piece of garbage.
Why were you the only one to survive? You didn’t deserve to survive. You didn’t deserve to live, after everything you had done.
Unsheathing Sandu was as easy as breathing. Holding the hilt, the comforting weight of it in your hand was almost enough to calm your heart.
Almost.
Bringing the blade to your throat, you felt the cold steel bite into your skin. You tensed your muscles to draw it across your neck when you heard shrill cry.
Dropping Sandu to the floor, still unsheathed, you went over to Jin Ling. The poor thing was crying so hard his face was as red as the vermillion mark he would one day wear. Cooing, you gently picked the infant up and began bouncing him. You weren’t even saying real words, but the sound of your voice was enough to calm him once more.]
It’s so hard. He didn’t want to be alive anymore, but Jin Ling needs him. He deserves to die, but he can't... is this his punishment? To survive and live when everyone he loves is rotting away in the ground? It’s too cruel...
It hurts.
It hurts.
It HURTS-
[It’s been ten years since you killed your brother. You drain the jar of wine without caring of the consequences. Jin Ling was old enough to be on his own now, learning about sect duties back
in Lanling. You were alone, and your brother was dead.
Because you killed him.
The serene look on his face as he was torn to shreds still haunts you.
The empty jar of wine shattered against the wall. The next jar was quickly opened.
Ten years...
Why were you still alive?]
Why was he still alive? He deserved to die. He wanted to die.
Please...
Please make it stop.
[You raced through the woods, fear making your blood pound in your ears. Fairy had come to find you, without Jin Ling in tow. You instantly broke out into a full sprint, your spiritual energy reaching out in every direction.
No...
Not like this.
You can’t lose him like this. He was only sixteen. He was too young.
You came to an abrupt stop, far away enough that you wouldn’t be seen but close enough to hear voices. Jin Ling’s voice was loud and ringing. You felt your shoulders slump in pure, unfiltered relief until the words began to register.
“...When my Uncle gets here, he’s going to break your legs!” His voice sounded strained.
“Your Uncle? Why not your father? And who’s your Uncle anyway?”
“I’m his Uncle.” You growled, stepping into sight. The man standing by his nephew was a stranger, but there was something just a little too familiar about him. The stranger’s eyes widened at the sight of him, the grey suddenly glassy with fear that no stranger should feel looking at him. It was a far too familiar kind of fear.
He was back.
You were sure of it.]
How dare he!? After everything he’s done! He dared show his face again?
He dared to show his face to Jin Ling!?
He was steeping in fury, and rage-
And guilt, and fear, and hope-
[You didn’t think before stepping in front of the beast. The kid - the young man, the Lan cultivator you recognized as the one who pestered Jin Ling to the point of insanity - screamed in horror, but you were more focused on the gaping wound now stretching across your torso. Blood instantly soaked through your robes and you felt lightheaded.
With the last of your strength you lashed at the beast. It died with a gurgling cry that blended in with the sobs of the juniors now surrounding you.
At least Jin Ling was safe.]
Jin Ling was all he had left. Without Jin Ling, he was nothing. Worse than nothing. He was a corpse with a heartbeat and breath in his lungs and a core spinning in his chest. He should have died, but now he has to stay alive.
[You collapsed to your knees, choking on sobs. You were alone, but you couldn’t bring yourself to make a single sound as white hot tears ran down your cheeks. It was all too much, and you hadn’t been strong enough to fight it for a long time.
Jin Ling was grown. He was Sect Leader Jin now. He had people he cared for, and who cared for him in return. They were to be sworn brothers, one day. Wei Wuxian was back, but you couldn’t bear to face him. You couldn’t bear to hear his laughter or see his smiles when you did nothing to preserve them in his first life. Wei Wuxian was back and he had a husband and a son and a home - a home far away from Lotus Pier.
And what did you have?
A body full of scars and nightmares that never let you rest.
It was an easy decision to make. You had nothing. You were nothing. You meant nothing.
You unsheathed Sandu one last time. It sensed your intent and trembled in your hand, but for once your grip was strong and sure. Holding the blade to your throat, you let a smile grace your lips.
Was this how Wei Wuxian felt, when he was being ripped to shreds?
You felt so peaceful as the blade pierced your skin. Tears no longer rolled down your face as you took one, final breath.
You were so tired, and you were ready to rest-
You are hurting
You nearly dropped Sandu
Let me help you
“Who’s there?” You demanded, but when you looked around you were still alone.
Let me take your pain away
“Take it away?” You hated how vulnerable you sounded. “How?”
Let me help you. I can make it stop
“Please...” You whispered, your eyes burning with tears once more. You didn’t know where the voice was coming from, or what its intentions were, but you were desperate. You needed the pain to stop, no matter what. “Make it stop.” ]
All he wanted was to stop hurting. Even if it meant taking his own life, it would be worth it if it meant the pain would finally cease. It didn’t matter anymore - no one needed him. His nephew was grown, running a sect of his own. What need was there for a broken, useless Uncle? Jin Ling would be better off with him gone... everyone would-
“OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES!”
What?
“LAN JINGYI I SWEAR TO THE GODS IF YOU DON’T OPEN YOUR EYES-”
Lan... Jingyi?
“PLEASE...P-Please...” The voice sobbed. It was so familiar, as if it were his own, but it was coming from a place he couldn’t see. “Please come back to me... I’m sorry... I’m sorry A-Yi... please come back.”
Come back where?
“Just... just open your eyes,” The voice begged. “I’ll do anything... so please wake up.”
Wake up? He didn’t want to wake up. He didn’t want to go back to a life where every movement was steeped in pain. Where every blink of his eyes made him wish for them to never open again.
He didn’t want to go back-
“We can go back to Lotus Pier,” The voice promised. “We-we can spar again, and this time I’ll let you win... we can go swimming. We can go drinking with Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui... I’ll make sure we never play the coin flip game ever again. We’ll go back to the tea house and I’ll make sure they steep your tea exactly the way you like it and I won’t let that serving girl stare at you... I’ll have a set of YunmengJiang robes commissioned specifically for you - I’ll have as many sets of robes commissioned as you want. You’ll have so many robes that your dresser will be packed to the seams... I-I’ll treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I’ll do everything to protect your laugh and your smile. I’ll wipe your tears when you cry and listen to you rant when you’re angry. I’ll watch over you when you’re drunk. You’ll never think about a world without you in it again... so please. Jingyi please open your eyes...”
Lan Jingyi squinted at the harsh light. There were hands on him, but he could barely feel them through the terrible ache behind his eyes. It felt like someone had tried to cleave his skull in two, only to stop halfway. He struggled to sit up, only to find a hand on his back, easing his movements.
“Jingyi? Can you hear me?”
“Wh-” His throat burned as if he swallowed coals.
“Oh... oh thank the gods-” Arms enveloped him, holding him so tightly he struggled to breathe but he didn’t fight the embrace. In fact, he leaned into it. Sobs ripped from his throat and he was powerless to calm them. He didn’t even know where they were coming from, but it felt like he was cursed to cry out the oceans one drop at a time.
He didn’t have the slightest idea how long he cried for, but by the time the tears finally slowed he felt as though he had been run over by a carriage.
“Hey... are you back with me?” The voice asked. It was a struggle, but Lan Jingyi managed to drag his eyes from the soaked purple robes up to meet the gaze of someone he never wanted to lose.
“Wanyin?”
“Fuck... you scared the shit out of me,” It was clear he wanted some sort of bite to back up his words, but he was simply too relieved to bother trying. “What happened?”
“I don’t... I don’t remember-” he cut himself off, his eyes widening in absolute, soul crushing horror. He sat up so abruptly that he knocked Wanyin’s arms away from him before all but straddling the younger man. He reached out and cupped Wanyin’s cheeks, searching for something within his purple eyes.
“Jingyi...?”
“You’ve been through so much,” His voice cracked painfully. He traced under Wanyin’s eye with his thumb, collecting the tears from the younger man’s lashes. “I don’t- you’re so strong... I don’t know how you survived all of that...”
“You-” His eyes widened. “You saw my future?”
“All of it,” Lan Jingyi let his head fall onto Wanyin’s shoulder. His body shook, as if he were crying, but he had no tears left to shed. “All twenty seven years of it. I.... no wonder you let the goddess take them from you. I don’t blame you for wanting those memories gone...”
“We can talk about that later,” Wanyin said, wrapping his arms around Jingyi’s waist and pulling him close once more. “You look exhausted... let’s just stay like this for now.”
“Please don’t leave me,” Lan Jingyi begged near silently, his desperate whisper nearly getting lost in Wanyin’s robes. “Please... I need you.”
“I’m not going anywhere... you can sleep now. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
Lan Jingyi wouldn’t have been able to deny the request even if he wanted to. The last thing he registered was something soft being pressed into the crown of his head before sleep took him.
Notes:
One chapter left! (probably)
It'll be bitter sweet to end this one, but I already have some other plots in mind! A Yunmeng sibling reconciliation one shot and potentially another time travel fix-it fic! My first Time travel fic is still to this day my most popular fic on AO3 but we'll see if I have the drive to do another long form fic cuz it'll have to be LONG to be done properly lmao
Chapter 13: You're Back
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
He watched Lan Jingyi duck out of the room and couldn’t help the ridiculously fond smile on his face. The sleeping robes in his arms were lighter in weight than the normal outer robes GusuLan wore - lighter even than the visiting disciple robes from when he came to study in the Cloud Recesses. The fabric itself wasn’t very ornate but it was still clearly well made, the hems even and the stitching nearly invisible to the naked eye.
Since he didn’t have to worry about his virtue, he decided to change right in the open. It didn’t take long until he was tying the sash around his waist and folding his own clothes into neat piles to be placed into his pouch for the morning. He never really understood the purpose of sleeping robes when he could just sleep in his inner robes - it felt like an extra step to make something simple far more complicated.
Lan Jingyi’s sleep robes, however, were so comfortable. With a small prod of his spiritual energy, he realized even the sleeping robes of GusuLan were spelled to keep the wearer warm, though it might have just been something Jingyi did to his own robes.
Sitting down at the table, Jiang Wanyin sighed. He didn’t know how long it would take for Lan Jingyi to return, but he didn’t like the idea of going to sleep before he came back, despite how heavy his eyes were. Rather than give into the temptation of the bed he knew was behind the screen, he pulled two things from his pouch.
His journal, and the marble, both of which had gotten shuffled into the pouch with his robes mere moments before. It was a bit of a pain to extract them without making his robes tumble out onto the floor in a dishonorable heap, but he managed with minimal casualties before sealing the pouch properly once more.
“I still don’t understand what this is supposed to do...” He muttered out loud as he unwrapped the marble. The sash it had been stored in pooled around it, creating a barrier between the glass and the table. He ran a finger along the smooth surface and while he could feel a faint pulse of energy, nothing seemed to happen.
With another sigh, Wanyin flipped his journal open. He had plenty to write about but when he realized he forgot to back an inkstone to match his brush, his scowl came back with a vengeance.
He had a feeling Jingyi wouldn’t mind if he snooped around just a little, but at the same time he felt guilt as he casually began prodding through the more obvious places where an inkstone might reside.
Just as he was about to start digging a little more, there was a knock at the door.
“Are you guys still awake?” Wei Wuxian’s voice came through the wood.
“Yeah, come in.” He called back, abandoning his quest.
“I know it’s late but-” Wei Wuxian cut himself off when he realized there was only one person looking back at him. “Where’s Jingyi?”
“He went to speak to Master Qiren about getting me a guest passage token,” Wanyin hummed in response. “I told him it wasn’t necessary but he insisted.”
“He probably doesn’t want you to feel trapped. I’m guessing the only way to get you through the barrier was to hold your hand as he guided you through?”
“Wh- it could have been that easy?” Wanyin spluttered, his ears suddenly burning red as he resisted the urge to hide his face. Wei Wuxian blinked at him.
“How... how else would you do it?”
“He-he carried me,” Wanyin steamed, the embarrassment hitting him like a burst of spiritual energy right to his core. “He carried me like a maiden and wouldn’t put me down until we were here already.”
“That cheeky boy,” Wei Wuxian laughed, some of the tension Jiang Wanyin hadn’t even noticed in his brother’s shoulders relaxing. “You really picked a good one, huh Jiang Cheng?”
“Wh-what are you even talking about?” Wanyin spluttered, the sudden redness in his face made even more obvious by the whiteness of his robes.
“You’re even wearing his colors,” Wei Wuxian pointed out, his grin growing. “Should I speak with him?”
“Speak with him?” Wanyin wanted to punch Wei Wuxian if only to make the man cease his teasing. “What in the world would you need to speak with him about!?”
“You’re a Sect Leader!” Wei Wuxian cried. “You need to be courted properly! I simply will not allow anything less than textbook courting, especially from someone like Lan Jingyi.”
“He-he can’t court me!” Jiang Wanyin raised his voice. Wei Wuxian blinked, some of the mirth melting from his face when he caught sight of the expression on Wanyin’s.
“Why not? Clearly he fancies you, and it’s even clearer that you have feelings for him in return.”
“He can’t,” Wanyin repeated, the chasm where his heart should have been cracking open just a little wider. “He’s the Lan sect heir and I’m the Jiang sect leader. There’s no way it would work... besides, why would he want me once I’ve returned to my true age? Why would he want someone over two decades older than him? Even if he thinks he has feelings for me now, those feelings won’t stay once I’m back to normal.”
“You underestimate how a Lan loves,” Wei Wuxian hummed softly. “Age means nothing. Knowing A-Yi, he probably had feelings for Sandu-Shengshou long before he met Jiang Wanyin. Though, also knowing A-Yi there’s quite a high chance that he didn’t even realize what he was truly feeling.”
“But-”
“We can talk more of this in a bit, but I actually did come here for a reason,” His brother cut him off, suddenly looking much grimmer. “There’s... there’s a lot you should know, about the last twenty seven years - things I’d rather you be aware of beforehand, should you get your years back. I don’t know if you’ll remember any of this time as a teenager, but just in case you do I’d like you to be somewhat prepared for what you’ll relearn.”
“Alright...” He trailed off for a second before clearing his throat. “I know there’s a lot you’ve been hiding from me, things even my journals and Jingyi weren’t able to tell me. Even if there’s a chance I’ll regain my years eventually, I’d like to hear it from your mouth... I’d like to hear your side of things.”
“Lan Zhan is waiting for us back at the Jingshi,” Wei Wuxian hummed, eyes looking suspiciously glassy. Jiang Wanyin, recalling the entries in his journals, wondered how much tragedy could have been avoided if he had just... listened to Wei Wuxian’s perspective. “It might take a while, but I’m sure Jingyi will understand.”
“Alright...” He agreed, albeit somewhat reluctantly. He didn’t know when Jingyi would be back, but the thought of the older man returning to an empty room made Wanyin’s stomach sour a little. He hoped his brother could summarize quickly.
“I’ll leave you here,” Wei Wuxian hummed, just a step inside the barrier. He, of course, had a token of passage as a member of the inner family even if he didn’t live in the courtyard the way Lan Jingyi did. The sun was close to rising, the inky darkness of the sky beginning to lighten the slightest shade. “I’m sure Jingyi is waiting for you.”
“I hope not,” Wanyin denied instantly. “It’s so late... he better be sleeping or I’ll-”
“Break his legs?” Wei Wuxian finished the threat for him, a dangerously fond smile tugging on his exhausted face.
“Shut up,” Jiang Wanyin snapped, crossing his arms at the call out. After a beat, he sighed. “Thanks... for explaining everything. I-I knew my side, from my journals, and I knew what the cultivation world was taught, thanks to Jingyi but hearing your side... it makes me feel better about everything, somehow.”
“I’m... I’m glad I got the opportunity to tell you, this time around,” Wei Wuxian’s voice was soft. “From here on out, there won’t be any more secrets between us, yeah?”
“There better not be,” He growled, but it was clearly performative. “Goodnight... I’ll see you in a few hours. Gods above, how am I supposed to focus on reading after getting no sleep?”
“We’ll figure it out,” Wei Wuxian laughed softly, being respectful for those who were sleeping even though he knew Lans could sleep through just about anything. “I have some experimental talismans to boost energy and focus-”
“Bring them,” Wanyin left no room for discussion. Wei Wuxian’s smile widened as he bowed his head a little. “As many of them as you can.”
“Of course, Sect Leader Jiang,” He teased lightly. “Just don’t let Lan Zhan see you using them! He got cross the last time I did.”
“Because you were doing something stupid with them, no doubt.”
“I’m wounded,” He placed a hand to his heart. “All I did was use them to pull an all-nighter to finish another project I had been working on.”
“Uh-huh? And how long had you been awake when he realized?” He raised a single eyebrow at his brother. Wei Wuxian had the decency to look a little ashamed as he scratched the back of his head, unable to meet the younger man’s gaze.
“Uh... I don’t remember,” He hummed casually. “No more than two days, I think.”
“How haven’t you given that husband of yours a heart attack yet?” Jiang Wanyin rolled his eyes, tone dry. “He must have the tolerance of an immortal to handle you all day.”
“And I thank the gods every day for it! Now shoo- Jingyi is most likely still awake, waiting for you. You don’t want it to be your fault that he’s tired later, do you?”
“Get out of my sight.” Wanyin snapped, but his voice was filled with affection. Wei Wuxian stuck his tongue out, the gesture looking a little silly on his grown face. Wanyin returned the gesture, sticking his own tongue out as well. Wei Wuxian blinked in surprise before a blinding grin broke out across his face. With a final wave, his brother bound through the archway, leaving Wanyin all alone.
Now that he was alone again, his thoughts came swirling back. There was so much that he hadn’t known, or understood fully. He had been horrified to learn that his brother had sacrificed his golden core for him, but hearing how he had to stay awake for two nights and a day, without any way to numb the pain, made the sacrifice feel even heavier. There was so much about his time in the Burial Mounds, and when he was first resurrected that would have made a weaker man go mad. It had made him go mad, but he survived.
If Wei Wuxian could go through all of that and still face each day with a smile, Wanyin was able to convince himself that he could too, when his years were finally restored. He had clearly been hurting, but he could handle the hurt this time around.
“Jingyi? I hope you’re sleeping...” He whispered as he slid the door open. At first glance, he thought the room was empty, which made his chest lighten a smidge because it most likely meant Jingyi was behind the screen, sound asleep despite the many candles still burning.
Taking a step into the room, he felt every drop of blood drain from his face. There, behind the table, he could see a pale hand on the ground, unmoving. Rushing forward he couldn’t stop his legs from giving out under him.
“JINGYI!” He screamed, tears already streaming down his cheeks. Just a few, short hours ago Lan Jingyi had been blushing and laughing but now he was pale as a ghost, unseeing eyes open and staring at the ceiling. His lips were tinged blue, as if he were truly and utterly deceased. “No! Nonononono-”
Pulling Jingyi into his lap, he sent his spiritual energy into the older man’s meridians. He barked out another painful sob when his energy met a still spinning core. It was moving slowly, but it was still moving nonetheless.
If his core was spinning, it meant Jingyi was still alive, even if it was just barely.
“Wake up!” He brushed Jingyi’s bangs from his face, flinching at how cold his skin was. Without thinking, he closed Jingyi’s eyes. He was sure they would be dry and sore from being open for so long and he wanted to minimize Jingyi’s discomfort as much as he could.
There was no response. Not even a flutter of an eyelid or a twitch of a finger. Wanyin was beginning to think he had been tricked by his own energy - that he was so desperate for the other man to still be alive that he fabricated the sensation of the other’s core.
“OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES!” He screamed through his tears. He had just closed them, but he wasn’t thinking straight. He just needed to get Jingyi to wake up and everything would be okay again.
Things had to be okay again. They had to be.
“LAN JINGYI I SWEAR TO THE GODS IF YOU DON’T OPEN YOUR EYES-” He choked, coughing and gagging as he tried to breathe through his sobs. He couldn’t recall a time he had cried this hard before, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
He was about to lose the most important person in his life.
“PLEASE...P-please,” He begged, holding Jingyi closer, despite how still and cold his body was, Wanyin’s heart left painfully when he felt the faintest hints of breath against his skin where Lan Jingyi’s face was pressed close to his own pulsepoint. “Please come back to me... I’m sorry... I’m sorry, A-Yi... please come back...”
He shifted and heard something slam to the ground. It was hard to see through his tears but when he managed to make sense of the scene before him he felt a spike of rage pierce his heart.
There, gripped tightly in Jingyi’s pale fingers, was Wanyin’s glass marble.
He pried it from Jingyi’s hand and threw it across the room. He didn’t know how it was causing this, but something told him the seemingly innocent glass sphere was the reason behind the near-corpse of his love in his arms.
The moment he was no longer touching the marble, Lan Jingyi stirred.
His eyelids twitched, as if his eyes were moving under them and his breath picked up a little. Wanyin’s eyes widened, realizing this might be his chance.
“Just... just open your eyes,” He begged, shaking Jingyi gently. “I’ll do anything... so please wake up.”
He realized he was being completely and utterly honest. He would do anything for Lan Jingyi. If he asked for the moon, Wanyin would find a way to bring it to him. If he asked for forever, Wanyin would fight his way to immortality.
If he asked for his heart, Wanyin would cut it from his chest without hesitation.
“We can go back to Lotus Pier,” His voice shook painfully. There was so much he wanted to say - so much he wanted to do with Lan Jingyi, and it was finally sinking in that he might never have the chance. He forced his tears to calm so he could speak and hopefully be understood. “We-we can spar again, and this time I’ll let you win... we can go swimming. We can go drinking with Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui... I’ll make sure we never play the coin flip game ever again. We’ll go back to the tea house and I’ll make sure they steep your tea exactly the way you like it and I won’t let that serving girl stare at you... I’ll have a set of YunmengJiang robes commissioned specifically for you - I’ll have as many sets of robes commissioned as you want. You’ll have so many robes that your dresser will be packed to the seams... I-I’ll treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I’ll do everything to protect your laugh and your smile. I’ll wipe your tears when you cry and listen to you rant when you’re angry. I’ll watch over you when you’re drunk. You’ll never think about a world without you in it again... so please. Jingyi please open your eyes...”
He closed his eyes tightly, but it did nothing to stop the torrent of tears still running down his cheeks. When Jingyi didn’t stir, he began to realize he may have been too late...
What was he going to do then? They said Lans only ever fell in love once, but he didn’t think he would ever be able to feel this way about another person again. If Lan Jingyi left him now, he would be alone for the rest of his miserable, cursed life.
Gods above... What was Jin Ling to do if Jingyi didn’t wake up? What of Lan Sizhui? How was he to tell them it was his marble that caused this?
Did... did he kill Lan Jingyi?
“Ugh...” A broken groan snapped him out of his misery.
“Jingyi? Can you hear me?” He pulled back just enough to look the older man in the face. The relief he felt when he saw Lan Jingyi’s eyes open just a crack was enough to make him feel sick.
“Wh-?” It was clear it caused him pain to speak.
“Oh... oh thank the gods-” He couldn't stop himself from pulling Jingyi into a crushing embrace. Now that he was awake, the deathly chill that had radiated from his body had begun to recede, the blue tint to his lips fading back to pink.
He wasn’t able to finish his gratitude to whichever gods decided to give him a second chance for Jingyi burst into heart wrenching sobs to rival his own from just a few moments prior. His core shuddered in his chest at the sheer, broken agony in his cries. He held Lan Jingyi as close as he could but it still felt like he was losing the older man entirely.
It took far too long for Jingyi to calm down. Wanyin was considering trying to send a paperman to his brother for help when Jingyi’s sobs finally began to taper off. He was still considering sending a paperman, because clearly something was wrong, but before he could the older man slumped in his arms.
“Are you back with me?” He asked, trying to keep his tone soft and calming. Lan Jingyi trembled in his embrace but when he pulled back enough to look Wanyin in the eye, the younger man was relieved to see awareness back in his gaze.
“Wanyin?” His voice was shot, but it was still the most beautiful thing Jiang Wanyin had ever heard.
“Fuck... you scared the shit out of me,” He wanted to say more - how could you leave me like that? What would I have done without you? I don’t want to live in a world where you don’t exist anymore - but he bit it back. “What happened?”
“I-I don’t remember-” He cut himself off with a gasp. His body tensed for just a beat before he was throwing himself away from Wanyin’s embrace. Before he could miss the body heat that had only just begun to grow between them, Jingyi was all but straddling his lap, his chilled, trembling hands cupping his cheeks as if Jiang Wanyin was the most precious thing he had ever held.
It was as if he was searching for something specific, and Wanyin had a sinking suspicion that he found it by the way his face crumbled.
“You’ve been through so much...” He muttered, softer, quieter tears rewetting the tracks on his cheeks. “I don’t- you’re so strong... I don’t know how you survived all that...”
Realization hit Wanyin like a strike from Zidian.
“You- you saw my future?”
“All of it,” His head fell onto Wanyin’s shoulder, but not before the younger man caught sight of grief far too mature for his age flashing in his tired eyes. “All twenty seven years of it. I.... no wonder you let the goddess take them from you. I don’t blame you for wanting those memories gone...”
“We can talk about that later,” He said whatever he could to make Jingyi stop - not just for Jingyi’s sake, but for his own. He didn’t know if he could manage hearing of his own experiences from his beloved’s mouth. “You look exhausted... let’s just stay like this for now.”
“Please don’t leave me,” The pleas were so broken that Wanyin wanted to die. This was all his fault. He was the reason someone as bright as Lan Jingyi sounded so utterly desolate. “Please... I need you.”
The confession stung. It was what Wanyin had wanted to hear for days.
It was what Wanyin had dreaded hearing.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he wasn’t sure how he was speaking through the lump in his throat. “You can sleep now... I’ll be here when you wake up.”
It seemed that was all Jingyi needed to let go. In the blink of an eye he was collapsed against Wanyin’s chest, his breath damp but steady against the younger man’s pulse.
Jiang Wanyin stayed still as stone for several moments, only once he was completely sure Jingyi was unconscious that he was willing to let out the breath he was holding. He mindlessly ran a hand along Jingyi’s spine, frowning at the near inaudible whimpers the older man was letting out in his sleep.
Though he couldn’t move, the table was within reach. He grabbed his journal with the hand that wasn’t comforting Jingyi and carefully ripped out a blank page from the back. It was hard, ripping out the approximate shape of a human with one hand, but once it almost resembled a paperman, he bit his thumb until he bled and drew on the characters needed to bring it to life.
“Find Wei Wuxian,” he ordered, keeping his voice low, though he wasn’t sure Jingyi would have stirred even if he screamed at the top of his lungs. “Bring him here.”
The paperman stood up and gave a rough bow, its ripped edges making it hard to move the way Wei Wuxian’s papermen always did. It struggled to lift itself into the air, but after a moment of unsteadiness, it zipped out of the room. He was thankful he hadn’t thought to close the door behind him when he noticed Jingyi passed out on the floor.
“You idiot...” He hissed, narrowing his eyes at the sleeping man in his arms, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually feel any anger.
All he could feel was soul crushing relief.
“Look at you,” He whispered, trying and failing to fight a small, fond smile. “You’re a mess. Master Qiren would pass out if he saw you like this.”
Humming a soft song, he tried his best to tidy the older man up. He used his fingers to comb through the tangles in his hair, attempting to get his bangs to sit the way they normally did. He straightened his forehead ribbon, knowing that even if he didn’t act like a Lan, that Jingyi would be mortified if it was crooked.
Wanyin knew the significance of the ribbon. He had a feeling Jingyi wouldn’t mind that he was the one to touch it.
He tried to straighten his robes, only to frown when he heard something fall out of the sleeping man’s sleeve. His face hardened into a grimace when he realized what it was - Lan Jingyi’s glass marble, still wrapped in the other half of the cloth that his own had been wrapped in.
As much as he tried to understand it, Wanyin couldn’t wrap his head around why Jingyi was able to see his years. Wanyin had been handling his marble since he got it but he never felt anything other than the faint, steady energy left over from the goddess. He wondered, since all Jingyi probably did was touch his own, if he just...
Reaching out, he unwrapped the marble with one hand. It was so much smaller than his own, the colors so different but the energy signature just the same. He glanced down at Jingyi, wondering if he should stop while he’s ahead, but this could be a key piece of knowledge into their research on the marbles. If he could understand how they work, they might be able to recover their lost time.
Silently apologizing to Jingyi, who was still sleeping like the dead in his arms, he unwrapped the marble and picked it up.
The second he touched the smooth surface, the world around him seemed to tilt, the colors blending into one another like a ruined watercolor painting.
[Confusion was the first thing you felt, looking at the younger version of Sandu-Shengshou. That confusion was the only thing keeping you from dwelling on how beautiful he was, unburdened by a life that treated him so cruelly.]
He could feel the way Jingyi’s ears warmed as if they were his own. He felt how Jingyi’s heart skipped a beat as if he were the one experiencing it all first hand.
[Terror gripped you. You didn’t know exactly what might happen if he wasn’t found, but you didn’t want to think about it too deeply. In the back of your head, you hoped it was one of the others who found the missing Sect Leader. You were so bad with comforting others, and given how he stormed away, Sect Leader Jiang would need comforting.]
He wanted to scoff. Had Lan Jingyi really been that worried? He noticed, of course, how the Lan seemed to juggle his words, picking each sentence carefully as if to soften the blows his answers would carry. At the time Wanyin had been frustrated but also touched by the thought and consideration the stranger had shown him.
[I’m such an idiot!” You cried, letting your head fall onto the table. You had found Sect Leader Jiang, but you probably ruined everything! You tried to answer his questions as delicately as possibly, but even with a blade to one’s throat, no one would describe you as delicate.
You probably ruined everything. Sect Leader Jiang would be in a worse position because he met you.
He would have been better off if you never came to Lotus Pier - if you had never been born-]
Wanyin was fairly certain the pain he felt in Jingyi’s chest only mirrored the pain he would have felt in his own, if he could feel his own body. So that was a thought he had often... it wasn’t just a drunk ramble, but rather something Lan Jingyi mused daily, it seemed.
[You flushed, your body fighting between burning as red hot as the sun and paling enough to make you resemble a ghost. You could feel Young Master Jiang’s arm muscles tensing under you as he carried you and you thought you might actually pass away from mortification. It was only made worse when you saw Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui’s faces.
They were never going to let you live this down!
Maybe if you embarrassed Young Master Jiang back, he would drop you on your ass like you deserve-
His arm tightened around your waist.
You prayed your body wouldn’t betray the feelings raging inside of you at the sensation.]
Wanyin felt Jingyi’s blush, but it was nothing compared to how hard he himself would have been blushing. Even then? Even during that time Jingyi had-
Had felt-
For him?
[Horror, disgust, fear raged through your body as you read Young Master Jiang’s journals. He had written down such vile, hateful things... but under the resentment and anger you could hear the sorrow in each character. The remorse and the guilt that seemed to have fueled Sect Leader Jiang’s rage in a never ending cycle.
You just wanted to hug him until he stopped hurting, but you didn’t think it would be taken too well.]
That’s a lie. It would have been taken well - maybe too well. By that point, Lan Jingyi had already wormed himself into Wanyin’s life.
Into Wanyin’s heart.
[You could feel the adrenaline and power coursing through you. It had been ages since you’ve had such a raw match. Young Master Jiang was just as powerful as Senior Wei said he had been. He made you want to push yourself to your breaking point, just so you could say you made it to his level.
Sandu-Shengshou had earned your admiration long ago, yet Young Master Jiang was earning it all on his own once more.]
No wonder he didn’t call the spar, if that was how he was feeling. Wanyin wouldn’t have called it either, even if he had been run through. It was an addicting sensation. He should spar with Jingyi again soon.
[You felt your heart skip a beat. Young Master Jiang- no, Wanyin was looking awkwardly down at his boots and it took everything in your power not to cry. Instead, you found yourself laughing. It was all you could do to relieve the dangerous pressure in your chest.
“Thank you... this is very thoughtful of you. Not many have gone to such lengths for me, so it really means a lot.” You weren’t lying. Knowing that Jiang Wanyin put so much thought and effort into ensuring your comfort made you realize how little anyone else had tried in the past.]
No wonder he looked close to tears, even if he was laughing...
[You listened to his explanation on how to shell the seeds. You couldn’t bring yourself to break his heart and tell him you’ve known for years now. Jin Ling had taught you and Sizhui the first time you visited Lotus Pier together. You loved the way his eyes lit up when you offered him one of your own seeds. You weren’t the most fond of them, but he clearly adored them.
You wanted to keep that expression on his face forever. You wanted to be the reason his eyes shined so brightly.
You had no right to feel that way. You were a disgrace for feeling that way.
You decided he could never know.]
Why would he decide something like that without consulting Wanyin first? This didn’t just involve him!
Though... didn’t Wanyin himself do the same thing? If he could feel his own emotions, he knew guilt would be the strongest one.
[You felt beautiful in his robes. You never thought you’d be able to wear the colors you admired for so long. You dreaded changing back into your white robes. You decided to commit this night to memory. You never wanted it to end.]
Wanyin wanted to keep Jingyi in purple forever. It suited him far better than mourning white.
[Everything was spinning but you were steady. Wanyin’s arm around you burned through your thin robes and you leaned closer to him. You wanted his warmth to soak directly into your core.
That way you’d never be cold again.
Gods above... you wanted to kiss him so badly it felt like a physical pain in your chest.
But you would never have the chance...]
Oh if only he knew how wrong he had been...
[Anger coursed through you- no, not anger. Frustration. Gods above you were a disgrace. How could anyone bear to even look at you, let alone associate with you? Your so-called friends only pitied you - that’s why they stuck around. They knew if they left you like you deserved, you’d do something stupid, so they pretended to care for you. That’s all you’d ever deserve - pity and pretend affection. No one could ever love you - especially not the person who held your vulnerable, beating heart in his calloused hands.
He would hate you, if he knew. He would be disgusted. If you were lucky, he’d do everyone a favor and run you through with his sword for the sin of loving him. You almost wanted him to - you were too much of a coward to do it yourself, but that’s all you deserved. You never deserved to be born in the first place, yet all you’ve done your entire life is take and take and take-
You sobbed, wishing he would shut the fuck up.
Wishing he would never stop.
Wishing he would leave you the fuck alone-
Wishing he would never leave your side-
His lips on yours were like the sweetest honey on the gods’ banquet table. His hands on your wrists tightened and you wished to beg for him to hurt you more. You wanted everything he could give you. You wanted him - mind, body, and soul-
You felt yourself losing consciousness and cursed your blood for ruining everything before it even started.]
That’s... that’s how he was truly feeling that night? If Wanyin had known, he would have spoken better. He would have chosen more appropriate words.
He would have given Lan Jingyi everything he wanted and more.
[No one would meet your eye. Your head throbbed and your stomach cramped and no one would tell you what you did. Shame raged almost as violently as the nausea and you thought being hit in the head hard enough to render you unconscious would be a blessing.
You didn’t want to lean into Wanyin’s touch, but he was so warm and just the sound of his voice brought you comfort. You felt his spiritual energy begin to ease the pain and you wanted to cry.
You wanted to rip yourself away before you made a bigger fool of yourself.
You wanted to give him your ribbon - give him yourself.]
Lan Sizhui hadn’t been exaggerating. Lans really did feel their emotions so strongly... casual feelings had never been an option for Jingyi - not when it came to Jiang Wanyin. Oh what a fool he had been, to try and deny the connection they had. Could some of Jingyi’s pain been avoided if only he hadn’t been so fucking stupid-
[No... no! You held onto Wanyin as tightly as you could. He almost-
He almost took his own life?
The pain was too much to bear, so you cried. You cried and cried and soaked his robes. It wasn’t fair... it wasn’t fair that someone like Wanyin was forced to feel the way you did. You deserved it, but Wanyin didn’t. He deserved to be happy - to be loved and proud and allowed to shine as bright as the sun.
He was hurting as badly as you do. Worse, even. At least he wasn’t a spineless, pathetic coward-]
Wanyin wished he could reach through what he was seeing and hold the older man close. Even when he was crying over Wanyin’s misfortune, he still though of himself in the worst possible way, but he wasn’t a coward. Not to Wanyin.
He was one of the bravest people Wanyin knew.
[Cold horror washed away any arousal you felt. You could see the fear in Wanyin’s eyes and thought you might throw up the snacks Senior Wei had coaxed you into eating. No... no, this couldn’t be happening.
You ruined everything. You didn’t deserve to be around him at all, yet you took advantage of his kindness. You kissed him without his consent, taking his first kiss from him in such a horrid way. Your lips still burned but all it did was fuel your shame.
He was too good for you. He always had been, but maybe now he’d see it for himself and abandon you the way he should have from the beginning.
It hurt.
It hurt.
Losing his years was never the curse. It was someone as vile as you falling in love with him. You never should have come to Lotus Pier. You never should have forced yourself into his life.
Bile coated the back of your tongue. You forced yourself on him...
How could he bear to look at you?
You wanted the pain to stop. Wanyin almost took his own life in the way you had always been too much of a coward to do, but maybe now...
Now you deserved it more than ever.
“Please... make it stop.” You sobbed. You didn’t care what the goddess did to you. To make the pain stop, she would have to take you back to before you were old enough to hold a wooden sword. It would be more merciful to kill you outright.
To do everyone a favor and remove the blight that was Lan Jingyi from the world.
You’ll be alright. Do not fear
The last thing running through your mind as you fell unconscious was how you wished you could have apologized to Wanyin...
For everything.
Jiang Wanyin came back to his own consciousness with a pained gasp. His lungs burned as if he hadn’t been breathing, his eyes stinging as if he hadn’t been blinking. Somehow Jingyi was still sleeping on his chest, and the sight sent a million different emotions through Wanyin’s chest.
He almost lost him. Jingyi had run away because he felt he deserved to die for his actions. He wished he could shake Lan Jingyi awake and force him to understand - none of it was nonconsensual! He didn’t force himself on Wanyin! Gods, the guilt Jingyi had felt lingered in his own chest, as if he had been the one to feel such poisonous emotions.
No wonder Jingyi had sobbed like that. Wanyin didn’t know exactly what he lost, he knew it was bad. If Jingyi still felt Wanyin’s own emotions... it must have been torture.
“Jiang Cheng!? What’s wrong?” The door flung open, a wild looking Wei Wuxian stumbling into the room. He was in GusuLan sleeping robes, his hair down and messy around his shoulders but his eyes were wide and terrified.
He saw his brother holding an unconscious Lan Jingyi and stepped forward only for the room to be filled with a loud, near ear-splitting crack.
Instantly, Wanyin was blinded by a bright light. The second thing he realized was how his body was on fire. The pain was so intense he couldn’t help but cry out in agony. It was as if he could feel every cell of his skin stretching and aching, his bones rearranging and his organs pulsing in pain. He could feel wounds appearing on his body only for them to heal in an instant, but what frightened him the most was how Lan Jingyi seemed to grow smaller in his arms. He held the older man tighter, afraid that whatever was happening would cause him to lose the man he only just got back.
By the time the light cleared, his vision was so spotty that he didn’t notice the horrified look on Wei Wuxian’s face at first. He didn’t even notice how Jingyi was scrambling away from him, putting enough distance between them that he was able to hide behind Wei Wuxian’s slim frame. Wanyin groaned, covering his ears with his hands.
His head was pounding, the sound of shattering glass and the screams of thousands echoing in his skull like a demonic chorus. He barked out a sob, his throat so painfully tight that the sound came out octaves deeper than it should have.
He didn’t know how much time passed, but by the time his vision finally cleared it was as if his muscles had lost all strength. He collapsed onto his side, only able to focus on breathing in and out. He could see two sets of legs - one wore boots clearly too large for the owner, the shoes even on the wrong feet. The other set was barefoot, the hems of their robes falling just above their ankles.
“Jiang Cheng...” Wei Wuxian whispered in horror.
“Wanyin!” Jingyi cried out, and unlike his senior he rushed forward, collapsing to his knees as soon as he was close enough to Wanyin to reach him. “You’re- holy shit you’re-”
“Spit it out,” Jiang Wanyin growled, closing his eyes tightly in an attempt to stave off the feeling of a dagger sliding between his ears. “You’re always like this...”
“Sandu-Shengshou...” Lan Jingyi whispered, his tone both scared and reverent. It was enough to make Jiang Wanyin crack open a single eye to fix the other man with a withering glare.
“Why are you calling me that now?” He asked, his voice still too low in his ears.
“Because that’s who you are now,” Lan Jingyi was staring at him with wide eyes, looking as though he was fighting tooth and nail not to burst into tears. “You’re- you did it, Sect Leader Jiang... you’ve gotten your years back.”
“What?” He sat upright, ignoring how the sudden movement made him want to gag. He looked down at his hands and sure enough, they were scarred beyond recognition. The world around him seemed to pulse with a strange energy and suddenly he was being bombarded with images.
Lotus Pier, burning. His parents, dead. Wei Wuxian, looking like a vicious ghost. The war. The death. The pain. Lotus Pier being rebuilt. The pain. His sister dead. His sword sliding into Wei Wuxian’s too-thin chest. The pain. Jin Ling, just an infant, far too small to be held in hands that were washed in so much blood. Jin Ling, hitting his first bullseye. Jin Ling, crying for parents he would never get to meet. Wei Wuxian coming back to life. Wei Wuxian, shaking the cultivation world once again. Jin Ling, introducing him to his friends. Jin Ling, being named Sect Leader Jin. The pain. Holding Sandu to his throat. The pain.
The images left him as quickly as they had begun, leaving his head feeling heavy but his chest feeling empty. He didn’t register arms around him until a shaking breath hit the skin of his throat.
“A-Cheng,” A soft, scared voice whispered. Wei Wuxian’s arms tightened around him and he felt numb. “You’re back...”
“I-” Tears were scaling against unfeeling cheeks. The pain came rushing back.
Why? Why did they do this? Why would they give him his years back? He had finally been happy! He had a chance at a real life again!
He had a chance at a life with-
It felt like moving through a dream as he turned his head in search of that person.
When he saw him, he wanted nothing more than to run himself through.
Lan Jingyi was staring at him with a mixture of heartbreak and horror. He was covering his mouth, tears streaming down his cheeks as he shook from where he was kneeling on the cold wooden floor. Jiang Wanyin reached out a hand, only to let it fall back to his side when the younger man flinched away from him.
“What-what happened?” He finally asked, letting his gaze fall onto the wooden planks under his body. “How did-?”
“Senior Wei stepped on the marble,” Lan Jingyi answered, sounding emotionless. He reached over and picked up a piece of the shattered glass. Jiang Wanyin jolted forward when the glass sliced into the younger man’s skin but Jingyi didn’t seem to notice at all. “It... the curse must have broken when the marble did.”
“So that was the solution all along?” Wei Wuxian scoffed, but the bite to his words was dampened by the obvious tears. “Jin Ling is going to have a field day when we tell him.”
“I’ll go wake them up,” Lan Jingyi stood, almost collapsing once again before finding his balance. Wanyin reached out to him again but Jingyi just turned his back on the older man. “It’s... I’m glad you’re back to normal, Sect Leader Jiang. We can finally leave all of this behind us.”
“Jingyi-”
But Lan Jingyi had already rushed out, still barefoot and in his sleeping robes.
Notes:
I hope the repetition of the scenes isn't getting boring! Cuz I'm having a lot of fun writing the same moments with different perspectives and emotions. Even though most of this fic has been in Jingyi's POV, we only really get a look at some of his thought. JC got to experience all the emotions LJY had been feeling - emotions we as the audience weren't privy to until this moment.
I really do think the next chapter will be the last one - just the right amount of time to wrap it all up 🥲
Chapter 14: Lost in a Fog
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Jin Ling didn’t fear ghosts. When he first met Lan Jingyi, he couldn’t help but mock the older boy’s irrational fear. Growing up, his Uncle had been very explicit in his explanations of what the different creatures he would face really were.
He explained that a resentful corpse wasn’t just a body that could move, but rather a body that had been possessed by resentful energy. They could feel pain, but it didn’t stop them, and the best way to stop them was to incapacitate them so they couldn’t move anymore.
He explained that ghosts were more than just spectors, but the culmination of all the fear, pain, and resentment of someone who was once alive. A spirit was not some mindless thing, but rather someone who had parents, who had siblings and friends and children. They were to be helped into the reincarnation cycle if possible, but if not they were to be exorcised with respect.
So no, Jin Ling had never feared ghosts. He found himself in horrifying situations because of ghosts, but the spirits themselves never truly scared him.
The ghost that burst into his room, however, forced a shrill scream past lips still tacky from sleep. He sat upright, scrambling away until his back hit the wall. He reached out for Suihua but it was just too far away for his shaking fingers to grasp.
“Jin Ling?” The ghost whispered, making the man in question freeze. Scrubbing sleep from his eyes, he was able to recognize the ghostly figure before him.
“Lan Jingyi!?” He cried, his fear quickly turning to anger. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? It’s too fucking early for this shit! And why are you in your sleeping robe- where are your fucking shoes!? Are you an idiot? Are you actually fucking stupid? I know you’re a cultivator but you’re going to get sick if you run around like that! What would Grandmaster Qiren say if he saw you in such a state?”
During his colorful rant, Jin Ling scrambled from his bed and grabbed his own outer robes, which had been unceremoniously tossed over a nearby surface. He continued to berate his friend’s intelligence as he carefully wrapped the heavy robes over the older man’s shaking shoulders.
“Look at you! Your lips are fucking blue! Hanguang-Jun is going to make you do handstands for an entire day! Uncle Wei’ll tie you up and force you to eat his cursed congee if you get sick!” He continued to fuss, forcing Lan Jingyi to sit on the bed as he tugged socks onto his friend’s feet. His heart twisted when he noticed the scrapes on his frozen skin. “What happened? Where’s Uncle Jiang-”
“Sect Leader Jiang...” Lan Jingyi mumbled, his eyes glazed and unfocused.
“Huh? When did you start calling him Sect Leader again?” Jin Ling was still cross at the rude awakening, but now the worry was beginning to overpower any other emotion he might have been feeling. He couldn’t recall a time when Lan Jingyi looked so...
Dead.
“He got his years back,” Lan Jingyi’s voice hitched. Jin Ling’s eyes widened and he bit back the urge to jump to his feet and race to where his Uncle was. “He’s... it’s all fixed. He can go back to Lotus Pier like none of this ever happened.”
“Like none of this- are you fucking stupid?” It wasn’t the first time Jin Ling had asked that question, but it was the first time he genuinely meant it.
“Sect Leader Jiang has responsibilities he needs to attend to,” Lan Jingyi’s words began to shake. “He-he can’t stay here for long. He’ll... he’ll most likely leave before b-breakfast. You-you should g-go with him... he-he might need help-”
“He can handle it on his own,” Jin Ling snapped, his own eyes beginning to sting at the desolation in Lan Jingyi’s voice. “I’m not going anywhere when you need me.”
“I’m fine,” He denied. Jin Ling had been friends with Lan Jingyi long enough to immediately tell when the older man was attempting to fib. Lan Jingyi was anything but fine, and that would have been clear to even a complete stranger. “You don’t have to stay for me...”
“Like hell I don’t!” He glowered at the suggestion. “I thought we had a deal!”
Lan Jingyi looked away. For a moment, his brows twitched as if he wanted to furrow them, but in the end his face remained blank and emotionless.
“We fight and we bicker and we bully each other, but when things get serious we’re always going to have each other’s back, remember?”
Lan Jingyi remembered, of course, but he didn’t know Jin Ling had taken that playful agreement as seriously as he himself did. It felt like years since they were sitting in that unknown little teahouse, discussing their ridiculous plan to get Sect Leader Jiang a cultivation partner. He had recalled that promise then, when he felt his stomach drop at the seriousness in the young Sect Leader’s voice.
“What exactly happened?” Jin Ling’s voice broke through his thoughts.
“Um... it’s a long story.” He muttered, letting his burning eyes slip shut.
“We have time,” Jin Ling didn’t know exactly what time it was, but given how the sun hadn’t risen, they still had a while before the Lans would rouse from their sleep. “Would you prefer to wait for Sizhui before you say anything?”
“Mhm.” The hum of agreement was so broken.
“Okay,” He nodded and stood. “Stay here. I’m going to get him and bring him back here, yeah? You can rest. No one’s going to bother you here.”
He almost expected some sort of argument, but instead Lan Jingyi just mutely nodded and collapsed onto the younger man’s bed. He didn’t close his eyes, his gaze locked onto nothing as his breathing made his chest rise and fall steadily. Jin Ling hesitated for just a moment, to make sure Lan Jingyi would be okay if he stepped out for a few minutes. Slipping on his shoes, he forwent an outer robe and raced from his rooms.
Thankfully the path to Lan Sizhui’s residence was as familiar to Jin Ling as the way to his own guest quarters. He ran, not caring about being scolded. Even if anyone was awake to see him, he knew this was an emergency.
He only had to knock twice before the door was sliding open. To his surprise, Lan Sizhui was already dressed for the day, his hair pulled back into a neat ponytail and his robes tied expertly. If it weren’t for the bags under his eyes, Lan Sizhui would have appeared to have been stopped for a chat in the middle of the day.
“Something happened.” It wasn’t a question.
“Jingyi showed up at my room looking like a ghost,” Jin Ling was gasping for breath from how hard he had run. “Uncle got his years back, but Jingyi... something’s seriously wrong with him.”
“Where is he now?” Urgency leaked into Lan Sizhui’s voice.
“My room,” He explained, already walking back down the path he had just sprinted up, knowing Sizhui would be following close behind. “I told him to rest until we got back.”
“Do you know what happened?”
“No,” His stomach soured. “I... he seemed so dead. I told him he could wait until we were all together before he had to say anything.”
“I see...”
“Did you know I was coming? How are you dressed already?”
“I had a bad feeling,” Lan Sizhui confessed as they hurried across the Cloud Recesses. “I woke up from a dream that I couldn’t remember and couldn’t fall back asleep. Something told me to get dressed, so I did. You showed up just as I was finishing my hair.”
“That intuition of yours is scary.” Jin Ling muttered as they turned the corner. Lan Sizhui didn’t respond.
Normally he wouldn’t bother knocking on his own door, but this time he gave the wooden frame three gentle hits to let Lan Jingyi know they were back. While he didn’t get any sort of response, he still slid the door open. Jingyi was exactly where Jin Ling had left him, laying on his side and staring into space. His lips were no longer a concerning shade of blue but he didn’t react to their entrance.
“A-Yi...” Lan Sizhui murmured, going to sit on the edge of the bed. He rearranged the other man to lay on his lap, his cheek squished against Sizhui’s thigh. It was only when he began to card his fingers through Jingyi’s unkempt hair that he began to cry quietly. His entire body shook with the sobs, his tears instantly soaking into Sizhui’s robes.
“What happened?” Jin Ling asked, kneeling in front of them. He took Lan Jingyi’s hand and ran his thumb along the older man’s knuckles, the way his Uncle used to when he was a child to comfort him.
“I saw what the goddess took from him,” Lan Jingyi muttered softly. “All of it... no wonder he was so desperate to get rid of it.”
“You-” Jin Ling’s eyes flew open, his movements freezing.
“A-Ling...” Lan Jingyi suddenly sat up, knocking Sizhui’s hands away. Before the younger man could react, he found himself being pulled into a crushing embrace. “Gods above... you-you need to be more careful. What would happen if you died? We wouldn’t be able to handle it...”
“We?” Jin Ling could barely speak, let alone breathe.
“I felt everything Wanyin- Sect Leader Jiang felt,” Jingyi confessed. “I felt everything... including the horror every time you were in trouble. I know it-it’s not my feelings, but I still feel them... you’re the most important thing in his world, and it feels like you’re the most important thing in my world now, too.”
“When you say you felt everything...” Lan Sizhui trailed off, clearly too horrified by the implication to continue. Jingyi just closed his eyes and shook his head.
“I forgot who I was...” He admitted. “I was seeing everything through his eyes. I-I could feel Senior Wei’s pulse against my hands when Wanyin was choking him. I felt my very soul tear itself in two when his sister was killed. I felt every single drop of grief that he was drowning in after he lost everything. For a moment, I was Sect Leader Jiang. He- the only thing that broke me from that was his voice. He was calling to me, begging me to come back... it was only then that I recalled who I was.”
“You-you said Uncle got his years back?” Jin Ling was crying now too. He knew his Uncle had been through things that would make a weaker man die on the spot. He knew his Uncle took everything in stride, acting as if it didn’t bother him. Seeing how absolutely broken his friend was from living through those emotions and experiences made him realize just how unimaginably impossible it was for his Uncle to even be alive.
“Mhm,” Lan Jingyi’s own tears had slowed some. “Senior Wei- he came rushing in and stepped on the marble. When it shattered, there was this loud explosion and I was blinded by a bright light. When the spots faded I saw he was back to normal again...”
“This... this is good, right?” Jin Ling didn’t know why he was so hesitant to say such a thing, as if the admission was one of guilt rather than relief.
“It has to be,” Lan Jingyi’s voice dropped to a whisper. “He’ll be okay.”
“But what about you?” Lan Sizhui asked, making Jingyi flinch.
“He’ll be okay,” He repeated, finally letting his arms drop. Jin Ling didn’t move away from the broken embrace, but Lan Jingyi stepped back. “That’s all that matters right now.”
“You matter too!” Jin Ling was getting angry. He knew Lan Jingyi could be hotheaded and brash, but he also knew how foolishly self-sacrificing he could be. “It doesn’t matter if he’s the only one who's okay in the end if you’re still hurting!”
“There’s nothing anyone can do about that,” Lan Jingyi tried to reassure his friend but his smile was so brittle that it was clear he was lying - to them, and to himself. “Grandmaster Qiren tried to tell me that-that the way Lans love isn’t a curse, but a blessing... ha, what a fucking joke, right?”
“Jingyi-”
“There you are,” Another voice cut Jin Ling’s retort short. Hanguang-Jun slid open the door, his face serene but his brows slightly furrowed. “Wei Ying is worried about you. We should go to him.”
“You guys go ahead,” Lan Jingyi looked away. “I-I can’t face him right now.”
“Wei Ying was worried about you in particular,” Hanguang-Jun hummed, golden eyes burning holes into the side of Jingyi’s head. “He won’t be reassured until he sees you himself.”
“Please don’t make me go...” He knew he was being unreasonable but he was just so tired. He felt like he could sleep for an entire year and still wake up exhausted.
“I’m sorry.” Hanguang-Jun responded, but it was clear he wasn’t going to let Jingyi run away that easily.
“You won’t be alone,” Sizhui promised him. “We’ll be right by your side the whole time.”
“And if he tries anything, I’ll punch him,” Jin Ling promised. “Even if he’s back to his true age, I have youth and agility on my side. He won’t even see me coming before his nose is broken.”
“D-don’t do that!” Lan Jingyi couldn’t help but chuckle at his friend’s enthusiasm towards causing his Uncle bodily harm. To their collective surprise, Hanguang-Jun didn’t reprimand them for saying such a thing.
“Ah- apologizes, Hanguang-Jun,” Jin Ling spluttered, turning to bow to the older man as if he had forgotten he was there at all. Hanguang-Jun simply nodded his head.
“You are not the first to have such an urge,” He murmured as he turned to face the door. “Nor will you be the last.”
“Wh-” Lan Jingyi spluttered, stumbling to his feet.
“Are you, perhaps, speaking from experience Father?” Sizhui asked with a jovial lilt to his words. Hanguang-Jun paused, not turning back to look at them.
“Fighting is prohibited in the Cloud Recesses,” He said after a beat. “But that does not quell the urge to do so, from time to time.”
“He didn’t deny it.” Jin Ling muttered in awe.
“Given what Senior Wei told us from their time studying, it doesn’t surprise me too much,” Jingyi snorted softly. His lashes were still damp and his throat was sticky from crying, but somehow Hanguang-Jun knew exactly how to cheer him up. People might say the older man was abysmal at emotions, and that he wouldn’t know how to lighten anyone’s spirits, but to Lan Jingyi, he was the best at it. “You’re so strong for resisting, Hanguang-Jun.”
Rather than responding, Hanguang-Jun simply hummed, as if acknowledging the compliment. By the way Sizhui hid a snort of his own behind his sleeve, Jingyi knew he had been completely correct in his assumptions,
“Come,” Hanguang-Jun said, walking towards the door. His robes swished around his feet, his steps nearly silent. “Wei Ying is waiting for us.”
Any mirth Jingyi might have scraped together in their short conversation was instantly wiped away. They filed behind Hanguang-Jun, walking in silence towards the inner courtyard. In the distance, the morning bells began to toll, signaling it was now five o’clock.
With each step, the sour bite in his stomach began to rise farther and farther up the expanse of his throat. By the time his door was in sight, he had to stop to spit up acid and bile onto the meticulously cut grass on the side of the path they were walking down.
A hand ran up and down his spine while another held his bangs from his face. No one said anything, and he was grateful. He spit, trying to wash the last taste of bile from his tongue but it did little to help. Hanguang-Jun had stopped as well despite his husband only being a few more steps ahead of them. He didn’t watch Jingyi’s shame, but he didn’t leave the younger men behind.
“Lan Zhan?” Senior Wei poked his head out of the room when he heard the commotion. His eyes widened when he saw what caused them to stop so abruptly. “Oh A-Yi... it’s okay, let it out.”
He was by Jingyi’s side in a beat, his smaller hands replacing the one that had been rubbing comforts into his spine. Jingyi couldn’t help but lean into the touch, knowing his Senior would make everything better. Senior Wei always made everything better.
“Why don’t we go sit?” He suggested, gently leading Jingyi towards the door. “The tea is still steeping but I have some water for you to rinse your mouth out with.”
“Mhm...” He hummed a response, unable to bring himself to speak. If he had felt miserable before, it was nothing compared to now. He hated throwing up. If he had to choose between facing a fierce ghost on his own and allowing his meal to see the light of day once more, he would always choose the former.
In some strike of dumb luck, Sect Leader Jiang kept his mouth shut as they shuffled back into the room. The mess had been cleaned up, the shattered glass now carefully piled on the piece of cloth the marble had been wrapped in. There was a pot of tea and six cups sitting on the table, the scent of the brewing tea filling the air.
The first thought that struck Lan Jingyi was how his sleeping robes no longer fit Sect Leader Jiang. They had fit Jiang Wanyin almost perfectly, but now that he had regained his years, it was obvious how the shoulders were uncomfortably snug. He wondered why he hadn’t changed only to realize Sect Leader Jiang most likely didn’t have any of his own robes with him. They had come to the Cloud Recesses to research how to get his years back from the glass marble, but none of them had high hopes of finding an actual answer so easily.
“Here, drink slowly,” Senior Wei hummed as he placed a cup of water into Jingyi’s shaking hands. He hadn’t even realized he had sat until he noticed the tabletop was much higher than before. “You wouldn’t want to upset your stomach more.”
“You need to stop doing that,” Sect Leader Jiang finally spoke, making Jingyi jump. He scowled when the younger man simply shot him a confused look and took a deep breath before explaining himself. “Stop running out like that. Do you have any idea how worried I was? What if something happened to you? You only met the goddess because you ran out and...”He trailed off, looking ashamed. It was strange, seeing the expression Jingyi had grown so familiar with on an older face. Despite the years that had matured Jiang Wanyin’s features, he was still the same boy underneath.
“I’m sorry, Sect Leader Jiang,” He whispered, holding his cup as if it were the only thing that could tether him to reality. “I don’t handle big emotions very well.”
He hated the way Sect Leader Jiang’s face collapsed.
“Since we’re all gathered, we should discuss what we’re going to do next,” Senior Wei announced. As he spoke, he began carefully filling the cups with tea. Jingyi saw Sizhui try to reach out to do it for him, as was proper seeing how he was their son, but the older man was clearly having none of that. “Now that Jiang Cheng is back to normal, he can return to Lotus Pier without any issues. I was discussing it with him before you all got back and offered to go with him for a bit. I know he’s capable, but sometimes having a little extra support can go a long way.”
“Since Hanguang-Jun can’t be away from his duties for long, Wei Wuxian will only stay for a short while,” Sect Leader Jiang continued, crossing his arms. Lan Jingyi could see the lines of exhaustion on his face, but somehow he was still the most beautiful person he had ever seen in his life. With a sinking heart, Lan Jingyi realized his love wasn’t just directed at a young Jiang Wanyin. The fluttering in his chest was alive and strong as Sect Leader Jiang let out a faux-frustrated sigh. “Hopefully there won’t be too much to clean up from this whole mess and everything can go back to running smoothly again with minimal overtime work.”
“Jiang Cheng, Jin Ling and I will be leaving after lunch-”
“I’m not going.” Jin Ling cut him off, crossing his arms in a very familiar manner. A swell of affection that he recognized wasn’t truly his own blossomed in Lan Jingyi’s chest at the sight of the young Sect Leader.
“Wh-what?” Senior Wei blinked, his easy smile dropping.
“If you’re there, why does he need me there too?” Jin Ling shot back. “I’m not going.”
“But I thought...” Senior Wei’s brows furrowed as he looked between his nephew and his brother. Sect Leader Jiang didn’t seem nearly as surprised as he stared angrily at the table.
“I believe in your capabilities,” Jin Ling said, his voice softening. “But there’s something more important for me to do here.”
“Don’t,” Lan Jingyi swallowed past the lump in his throat. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him and it made his skin crawl. “You don’t have to do that. I know you want to help your Uncle...”
“He’s not the one who needs me right now,” Jin Ling argued back. “And I’m not going to leave without at least putting up a fight.”
“But-”
“It’s fine,” Sect Leader Jiang snapped, but there was no real fire to back up his false ire. “We can handle it just fine. You stay here and do what you need to do.”
“Thank you. Uncle.” Jin Ling bowed his head. They shared a knowing look.
“If everything is settled, we should get ready for the day,” Lan Jingyi tried to scrape together what he hoped was a lighthearted smile but he immediately knew he failed as he saw the concern in everyone’s eyes double. “I’m sure Senior Wei has some robes that will be more comfortable for you, Sect Leader Jiang. This one apologizes for allowing you to wear something so disagreeable.”
“Jingyi-”
“I’m glad you’re back, Sandu-Shengshou,” Lan Jingyi’s fake smile widened. The title tasted like ash on his tongue. “If this one can be of any service in the future, feel free to call on me.”
“Come on, Jiang Cheng,” Senior Wei stood, his cup of tea untouched. “Jingyi is right. You can borrow some robes until we get home, yeah? It wouldn’t be very fitting for you to be seen wearing too-small inner robes.”
“Fine.” He sighed and stood as well before pausing and turning. He locked eyes with Lan Jingyi for a beat before dropping into a low bow. Jingyi scrambled to his feet, manners be damned, to attempt to get the older than to straighten.
“What are you doing?” he hissed, tugging on Sect Leader Jiang’s sleeve. The action drew a fond smile on his lips, but from the bow no one could see it.
“This one thanks you, Lan Jingyi, from the bottom of his heart,” Sect Leader Jiang said gravely. “You did so much to help me, and I never would have regained my years without you... if you ever find yourself in need, I hope I’m the first person you think to call on.”
“Please stand up,” Jingyi begged, his throat burning. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I do,” He denied as he finally did as Jingyi asked and stood from his bow. “You... You are a one-in-a-million cultivator, and someone I’m honored to be able to call a friend. I know you’re going to lead GusuLan into an era of prosperity the likes of which the cultivation world has never seen. YungmengJiang will do anything in its power to help, should you call upon us. No matter will be seen as too small.”
Before Jingyi could form a single, coherent thought, Sect Leader Jiang was gone. Senior Wei and Hanguang-Jun followed close behind, leaving him alone with his dearest friends - the only two he still had.
“Jingyi...” Jin Ling trailed off, looking at his friend with such an open, broken expression that it was hard to even pretend to smile.
“I’m fine,” A lie. “Maybe once things are settled again we can go visit Lotus Pier... I’ve suddenly gotten a craving for the wine in Yunping.”
“Mhm, we can do that.” Lan Sizhui hummed, but it was clear that wasn’t exactly what he wanted to say.
“Why don’t we get dressed and go to breakfast?” Jin Ling suggested. While it seemed everything would be back to normal soon, he had a sinking feeling it would be a while before everything was already alright again.
Standing at the front gates of the Cloud Recesses, Lan Jingyi felt as though he were in a dream. It was a perfect day, the mist that continuously swathed the mountain that his home resided on lying low enough to see the blue sky and the fluffy white clouds. There was a slight breeze that made the grass and branches on the trees sway contentedly and the sounds of the children’s class carried from the closest training field, their giggles light and airy as they practiced wooden sword forms.
His robes felt suffocating as he stood with his back straight and his eyes trained on the ground. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sect Leader Jiang speaking to Grandmaster Qiren. It was jarring, seeing the older man in anything but purple, but the simple traveling robes he had been given for the trip back to Lotus Pier seemed to suit him well. They were a deep, earthy green with golden accents. They fit him well, emphasizing the powerful muscles of his arms and hugging the curve of his waist in a way that made Jingyi feel the need to visit the cold springs as soon as all of this was done.
“We’re all set!” Senior Wei came bounding over, a bright smile on his face as he tucked a qiankun pouch into his sleeve. He had Chenqing tucked into his belt, as usual, but also held Subian proudly in his hand. Lan Jingyi recalled the sheer joy that radiated from the older man when he finally cultivated Mo Xuanyu’s core enough to fly again.
If his heart hadn’t belonged to another, it might have skipped a beat at the sight of Senior Wei’s joy. It had been contagious, the junior disciples who had been present to see such a feat grinning and glowing as if it had been their incomprehensible accomplishment.
“Then we’ll take our leave,” Sect Leader Jiang hummed. “Thank you for your hospitality and your assistance. YunmangJiang is in your debt.”
“No debts are needed between our families,” Grandmaster Qiren stroked his beard as he looked at the man before him carefully. “I’m happy we were able to solve such a puzzling mystery. Please return to Lotus Pier safely.”
“Of course,” Sect Leader Jiang bowed to the older man before turning to the gathered cultivators. “Behave yourself while you’re here, do you hear me?”
“Of course,” Jin Ling parroted, crossing his arms. “Do you still think I’m a child? I know how to behave myself.”
“The Cloud Recesses are like a third home to him,” Lan Sizhui smiled warmly. “If he does anything unsightly we will see that he is reprimanded as though he were home already.”
“Good,” Sect Leader Jiang nodded, earning a squawk of indignation from his nephew, which he ignored. Instead, he turned his attention to the final member of his farewell part. “Lan Jingyi.”
“Sect Leader Jiang.” He said respectfully, unable to meet the man’s eyes. He heard him sigh but didn’t look up.
“You’re always welcome in Lotus Pier,” He said after a beat of awkward silence. “No matter the reason... you never need to announce yourself. Let yourself into the front gates as Jin Ling does, anytime you please. My door will never be locked to you.”
“That’s a great honor, Sect Leader Jiang,” An honor Lan Jingyi never planned on using. “This one also hopes you travel safe.”
“Jingyi-” It was clear there was more he wanted to say but he cut himself off. With another sigh, he turned to walk towards his brother when he felt something tug on his sleeve.
“I-” Lan Jingyi hadn’t meant to reach out, but it was too late to take his hand back now. He cleared his throat, the incredulous look on the older man’s face making his ears burn. “I wanted to-to thank you, as well.”
“Thank me? For what?” For a moment, he sounded like Just Wanyin again.
“For... being my friend, while you could,” He refused to cry. He was internally mortified by how much he had been crying recently, but it was always something he struggled with. He had been teased for being a crybaby when he was a child, and all that changed with age was how well he was able to hide his breakdowns. “It... the time we spent as friends will mean more to me than you’ll ever know. I’ll hold those memories close to my heart for as long as I live.”
“I... feel the same,” Sect Leader Jiang choked out. “To have you as a friend was... something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to recreate with another.”
“We should get going,” Senior Wei seemed hesitant to interrupt. “We wanted to cover as much distance as we could before it got dark.”
“Mhm,” Sect Leader Jiang seemed even more hesitant to agree. He looked at Jingyi one last time. “Come to visit soon. Lotus Pier won’t be the same without you there.”
All he could do was nod, because he knew he would cry if he tried to open his mouth. It hurt, knowing the last few days had finally come to an end. His marble sat heavy in his sleeve, but he was afraid to break it. Now that they knew all they needed to do was shatter the glass in order to restore their lost time, it seemed almost too easy for him to do just that - only he simply couldn’t bring himself to do it.
He knew he asked the goddess to take his pain - pain that was caused from his inappropriate feelings towards Jiang Wanyin. It hurt enough seeing the man’s back getting smaller and smaller as he and Senior Wei flew away. He didn’t want to think about how much more painful it would be if he could fully remember the time they spent together. He had read the journal entries. He knew how close they had gotten, but even just knowing it second hand felt like a cavern had ripped open where his heart had been. He didn’t know if he would be able to survive the brunt of those poisonous feelings.
So the marble stayed safely in his sleeve. Maybe one day he would break it and regain those days, but something told him it wouldn’t be for a long time, if at all. He would probably be more than happy to take his last breath without reliving that pain.
He turned away and began walking back towards the Library Pavillion. He had promised Hanguang-Jun that he would begin reshelving all the books they had pulled out in their desperate search.
It hurt.
The library was exactly as they had left it. He mindlessly began gathering the books as he pushed down the fondness that blossomed in his chest as he recalled how whiny and pouty Jiang Wanyin had been as they researched tirelessly.
It hurt.
Dinner was a quiet affair. Even though they ate separate from the other disciples, the three of them preferring a more intimate setting for their meal, it was silent as death. Normally they would chit chat as they ate, not caring for the rules when there was no one but the trio to know they were breaking them in the first place,
This time, however, no one dared speak. Lan Jingyi brought his chopsticks to his mouth methodically, as if he had been cursed. He didn’t know what he would have even said, had his vocal chords been at his mercy. He saw Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui’s concerned looks but he ignored them.
It hurt.
His room felt too large. There was too much open space for a single person. He saw something glinting in the candle light and his stomach dropped when he realized what it was. They had gathered as much of the glass marble as they could, but it seems they missed some of the finer pieces. With careful movements he gathered the glass dust.
It hurt.
How was he supposed to return to life like normal after this? If he had known going to Lotus Pier that fateful day would have led to this, he would have stayed home-
No, he couldn’t even say that. If he hadn’t gone, who knows how long it would have taken to get Sect Leader Jiang back to his true age? Who knows if they would have been able to do it at all? So even though it was good that he had been there, in the end, it didn’t stop him from wishing things had been different.
Laying in his bed, he realized he never even had the chance to share it with Jiang Wanyin before everything went to shit- before everything was fixed.
He pulled out the stuffed animals his mother had sewn for him and clutched their worn, well loved bodies close to his heart. Their fabric faces soaked up his tears once more, as they had for his entire life.
It hurt.
A month and a half later, Lan Jingyi felt it was a little easier to wake up in the morning. It still hurt, but it had become manageable. He went to classes, and did his training diligently. He sat in on meetings and took impeccable notes. If he noticed how his notes had taken on a familiar quality of covering every inch of the paper that a certain journal had, he ignored it.
Jin Ling was to arrive in a few days. He had only been able to stay for another week before his duties as Sect Leader forced him to return to Koi Tower, but he was coming to the Cloud Recesses to be faithful to their tradition of going out to drink. He had promised when he left that they would get blackout drunk the moment his advisors looked away for long enough that he could sneak out, and he was upholding that.
Lan Jingyi didn’t really feel like drinking, but he was eager to see his friend. He hadn’t had a drop of alcohol since... even when Lan Sizhui tried to coax him down to Caiyi town for a night. He just couldn’t find the heart to agree to something he used to love doing.
He found himself doing that often, now. Spars held no excitement. Night Hunts had become a chore. Meetings were boring but at least he had a specific task to do, so he didn’t have to think. He became more faithful to the Lan sleeping schedule, most nights turning in before nine just so he could be blissfully unconscious for longer.
His appetite had been all but nonexistent, but Sizhui and Senior Wei had been watching him like a hawk as soon as they realized he was skipping meals. He tried to eat, for their sake, but the medicinal foods he had grown up with tasted like ash on his tongue. He only ate enough to smooth the concern furrow of their brows but never a bite more.
He found himself craving something he never really liked before. He couldn’t bring himself to write to Jin Ling to ask him to bring the seeds with him.
He was doing better, as long as he ignored how much effort it took to drag himself out of bed. He pretended he didn’t see the worry on everyone’s faces as the bags under his eyes only grew darker, despite him sleeping more than ever before. He was doing better because he hadn’t cried once in the last month and a half - not a single tear, which meant he had to be doing better...
Right?
It was like he was living in a perpetual fog. The only thing he could really feel was the sharp pain that went through his chest when he stupidly allowed himself to reminisce about a certain purple-clad man. If Grandmaster Qiren knew what he was doing, he would lecture him about self-torture again.
But Lan Jingyi didn’t want to stop. He liked the pain. The sensation of a blade sliding home through his ribs was a welcome distraction from the monotony of his daily life. He would lay in bed, eyes stinging but dry, and force himself to remember just so the pain would come again and again.
It was what he deserved for being so stupid.
Sect Leader Jiang was probably back in Lotus Pier, scoffing at how childish Lan Jingyi was - or worse, he didn’t think of the younger man at all.
Lan Jingyi didn’t know which hurt worse, so he flipped between the options.
The days began to blend together, and if he was in a healthier state of mind it might have scared him, but as he was he couldn’t bring himself to care. He couldn’t bring himself to care about anything, really.
He wore his robes properly, but that was only because it was expected of him. He went through his sword forms flawlessly, but that was only because they had been drilled into him since he was a child. He ate, and bathed, and combed his hair, but only because his muscles remembered the actions.
Lan Jingyi was a living, breathing ghost, and the Cloud Recesses were terrified.
“Jin Ling should be arriving soon,” Lan Sizhui hummed as he combed through Jingyi’s tangled hair. He had gotten out of the bath long before his friend arrived, but he couldn’t bring himself to dry or brush his hair properly. He silently thanks all the gods for having someone like Sizhui in his life when his friend picked up his comb and began taming the knots without needing to be asked. “He said we owe him. This outing was supposed to be in Lanling, but he’s ever so gracious to come out to us.”
Lan Jingyi didn’t respond. It felt as though he hadn’t spoken for days. He was simply too tired to open his mouth. The hands in his hair felt so nice he could have cried, but he didn’t. He was doing better now. He didn’t cry anymore.
“I know having your hair up for long periods can cause headaches,” Lan Sizhui hummed as he brushed the last of the tangles away. “How about a nice braid today? I haven’t braided your hair in ages.”
Jingyi just shrugged. He didn’t really care. If Sizhui had taken a knife to his hair and chopped it off at his ears he wouldn’t have batted an eye. It had been a while since he felt... anything.
Sizhui began braiding his hair with skilled fingers, humming a soft song under his breath as he worked. Jingyi found himself wishing the other man would be a little rougher, because he might have at least felt that.
He didn’t even realize Sizhui had finished until a flash of color caught his eye. Looking down, he saw his braid lying over his shoulder, a bright purple ribbon tied carefully around the end of it.
He sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes widened as the familiar pain cut through his chest.
“Baba picked that up for you,” Sizhui answered Jingyi’s unspoken question. “He returned from Lotus Pier this morning. Apparently he was scolded for coming and going so often, but I don’t think he’s going to stop anytime soon.”
Senior Wei had made it a habit of going over to Yunmeng for half the week. He’d spend three days in the Cloud Recesses, a day traveling, two days in Lotus Pier, and another day traveling back. Some weeks he would spend longer in the place he had grown up, and others he would only stay for a single day before returning to his husband and son.
He wanted to say something along the lines of ‘he didn’t have to do that’.
He wanted to say something along the lines of ‘I wish he hadn’t done that’.
He wanted to say anything at all, but he found he couldn’t.
“Come on,” Lan Sizhui tugged him to his feet. He moved easily, unable to put up a fight even if he wanted to. “Let’s go wait for Jin Ling. He should be here any minute.”
Lan Jingyi allowed himself to be led towards the front gate, not feeling a thing as he went.
Notes:
the plan was to make this one, long final chapter and end the story here but when I saw the opportunity to make this fic a nice rounded 15 chapters I knew I had to take it 🤪 it's a silly thing, but I always feel better when the chapters are a nice number. Even numbers, or multiples of five always look the best to me. I could be the maybe-tism but when presented with the chance I will never turn it down!
Besides, this means the reconnection between JC and LJY can now be longer <3 and in the end, isn't that what we all need? 😂
Chapter 15: Fought Tooth and Nail for This
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Seeing the flash of gold getting closer and closer made Lan Jingyi feel something for the first time in weeks that wasn’t self-inflicted pain or mind-numbing emptiness. Jin Ling barely had time to sheath his sword before he was being tackled.
“Wh- you miss me or something?” He tried to sound annoyed but it was clear by how he was hugging Jingyi back just as tight that he was just as happy.
“Mhm.” He couldn’t even pretend to lie. He knew some of the lingering emotions in his heart weren’t his own but it didn’t stop the swell of affection at the sight of the younger man from nearly choking him.
“Why don’t we let Jin Ling put his things down and we can go into town?” Sizhui suggested, his tone fond enough to make Jingyi’s eyes sting but he wouldn’t cry.
“I’ll be quick.” Jin Ling promised. He hadn’t moved away from the embrace, and he wouldn’t until Jingyi let go first.
It was something his Uncle of all people had taught him. Uncle Jiang had told him it was something his sister - Jin Ling’s mother - had told him and Wei Wuxian while they were growing up.
Never be the first to step away from an embrace, because you never know how much the other person might need it.
He didn’t hug his uncle much as a child, but the man never let go of him until he was ready. His uncle hugged him even less, but he always made a point to hold onto those familiar purple robes as tightly as he could until he felt his Uncle’s arms loosen around his small body.
“I’m... I’m looking forward to tonight,” Jingyi’s voice was hoarse. When was the last time he spoke to someone? “I need this.”
“We all do.” Jin Ling agreed. Lan Jingyi pointedly ignored the look Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui shared.
Lan Jingyi threw his head back and laughed so loudly he nearly toppled over. Jin Ling was the only one standing, a jar of wine in one hand and a single chopstick in the other, which was being used for demonstration purposes.
“And so I inched into the cave,” Jin Ling continued his story, holding the chopstick as if it were Suihua. “Now mind you, I’m already half shitting myself cuz I had to sneak out of Koi Tower for this. Honestly I was more afraid of getting in trouble than whatever was in the cave, which is the literal only reason why I kept going instead of running away like a little bitch.”
Jingyi grinned, feeling alive for the first time in weeks. Who knew all it took to melt the ice that had encaptured his soul was some good wine, some good food, and some better friends?
“I’m shaking so bad Suihua was trembling like this,” He demonstrated his point, wiggling the chopstick as though it were a worm, causing Jingyi to laugh even harder. “But I knew it was my ass on the line. If I came back with a kill, maybe I wouldn’t be strung up by my toes... so there I was, inching along. All I could think about was not throwing up or actually pissing myself when I suddenly found a ravine. I couldn’t see how deep it was so I was about to find a way down when the ground under my feet collapsed and I was falling to what I assumed was my death.”
“I’m glad you didn’t die, Little Mistress,” Lan Jingyi saluted Jin Ling with his half empty bottle of wine. “Who else would regale us with such riveting tales otherwise?”
“I’m glad to know my worth in the group stops at storyteller,” Jin Ling rolled his eyes but grinned nonetheless. “Anyway, I’m falling and I think I’m about to die when I suddenly land on my ass hard enough that I could have sworn I broke my tailbone. In pain, I started inching around to find a wall or something to help myself up. As soon as I was standing I pulled out a talisman paper and made a light talisman so I could see. As far as I could tell it was just a plain old cave - no creatures or monsters or anything. Just as I was about to give up and go back with my tail between my legs I heard a noise.”
“Oh dear...” Lan Sizhui hummed, smiling as he sipped his wine.
“I flung around,” He mimicked the movement, nearly throwing his own jar at Jingyi, who was nearly on his side from laughing. “I was planning on holding my ground but something came flying at my face! I screamed and ran away, not even looking where I was going. Finally I tripped and went sprawling across the cave floor. I thought that was it for me - if the fall didn’t kill me, whatever was chasing me certainly would. When I opened my eyes, I saw something even worse.”
“What could be worse?” Jingyi asked, sitting up and leaning on the table for stability.
“My nursemaid,” Jin Ling deadpanned, making Lan Jingyi howl in laughter once more. This time he did fall over completely, his face flushed hot from the alcohol. “Apparently the cave system I had found led out right by the back steps to Koi Tower, and the ‘monster’ that had chased me out had been a flock of fuckin’ bats. She had been searching for me since she realized I had snuck out and I quite literally fell down at her feet. She was livid! I thought I’d be flogged or something but I was just on house arrest for like, two full months.”
“You poor thing,” Sizhui soothed with a grin. “No wonder you turned out the way you did.”
“And what is that supposed to mean?” He growled, holding the chopstick up to the older man’s face as if he had forgotten it wasn’t actually his sword.
“Nothing,” Sizhui put his hands up in a placating manner. “Why don’t you sit with Jingyi?”
“Hmm...” Jin Ling narrowed his eyes, as if weighing the options of challenging Sizhui to a duel for his honor or allowing Jingyi to stick to his side like moss on a tree. After a beat the decision was made and he clumsily plopped down next to Jingyi, nearly spilling the last of his wine in the process.
“I love your stories,” Jingyi slurred as he wrapped his arms around Jin Ling’s waist. He had always been a clingy drunk, but something about that particular night made him need someone close to him at all times. He was too far gone to notice how his friends instantly picked up on that little detail and didn’t allow him to be alone for more than a few seconds at any given time. “You-you should stop being sect leader and-and come live with us! We-we can do this all the time and-and you can tell us stories every night and-”
“As tempting as it is, I can’t do that,” Jin Ling chuckled. He may have pretended to be a little more drunk than he actually was to make his story more amusing, but now that he was sitting down he was able to focus more on their priority for the evening. “But soon I’ll be able to come by more often. We’ve been looking to promote some more advisors, so once they’re in position and settled with their duties I won’t have to be at Koi Tower as much. They’ve been promising that I could go on night hunts again for months and I was starting to think they’d never actually go through with it but when I left we were discussing the final decisions for it.”
“We could finally become sworn brothers...” Jingyi’s eyes began to droop. He was so warm and his head was spinning so wonderfully. He didn’t want to go back to the Cloud Recesses. He didn’t want to wake up with a hangover and that crushing nothingness that had taken over his heart.
“That’s what I’m hoping,” Jin Ling hummed, brushing aside Jingyi’s bangs. “I think it’s about time we go through with our promises, the reactions from the cultivation world be damned. You two... you’re my best friends. I want everyone to know that-that if they mess with you, they’re messing with me too.”
“I love you guys,” His eyes burned painfully but he didn’t cry. He clung onto Jin Ling harder, but the younger man made no indication that the embrace hurt. “I-I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Embarrass yourself, probably.” Jin Ling scoffed, but he only leaned into Jingyi’s warmth more.
“We should be getting back,” Sizhui said as he stood. “It’s getting late.”
“Nooooo!” Jingyi whined but allowed himself to be hauled to his feet.
“Don’t you want to get into your sleep clothes?” Sizhui coaxed him towards the door, the money for the food and wine on the table. “We can stay with you tonight. Your bed is big enough for the three of us, isn’t it?”
“That sounds nice,” Jingyi giggled a little. “Haven’t-haven’t had a sl-sleepover in aaaaages!”
“Exactly! So let’s go have our sleepover.”
“You’re so good at that,” Jin Ling praised the older man as they led a stumbling Jingyi back towards the Cloud Recesses. “It’s like a magic power.”
“I just know what he wants to hear.” He chuckled in return.
The walk back was easy if not a little longer than usual because of how drunk Jingyi was. Jin Ling was grateful Jingyi had gone ahead and shared the closely guarded secret of another entrance into the Cloud Recesses. It was something only the inner family was supposed to know about, but seeing how they were practically sworn brothers already it only seemed fitting that they could help their drunk brother to his bed without having to climb up ten thousand steps.
“Come on, A-Yi,” Sizhui hummed gently. He gestured to Jin Ling to help him load Jingyi onto his back, both of their faces clouding slightly as they recalled their last outing together. “We’re almost there.”
Jingyi didn’t answer, having already fallen asleep.
Jin Ling felt worry bubbling in his gut. Even if he hadn’t been able to visit in person, he and Sizhui had been sending letters almost daily to one another, mainly about Jingyi’s condition. He hadn’t wanted to believe it was as bad as Sizhui had said, but taking one look at their friend was enough to convince him things really were that dire.
He was skinnier, and paler. Lan Sizhui had reported that Jingyi wasn’t eating as much, and that he was sleeping more than usual, but the bags under his eyes resembled bruises, as if he were recovering from a broken nose. He grimaced at the memory of how Jingyi had held him as soon as he arrived, as if the older man was depending on him to be what grounded him to the earth below their feet.
Lan Jingyi was not doing well, and it was something anyone with eyes could see. Hearing him laugh and seeing his smile firsthand soothed some of the worry in his chest, but Jin Ling knew they were in for a long night now that Jingyi was sleeping. He just hoped they would be able to make it back to the older man’s room and lock the door before he woke up and stormed out again.
He wasn’t sure which gods were smiling down on them that night, but Jingyi remained fast asleep until he was lying in his bed, the door to his room firmly locked.
“I’m getting nervous,” Jin Ling muttered from where he and Sizhui were sitting at the table. “He doesn’t usually sleep this long.”
“Maybe he’ll sleep through until morning,” Sizhui suggested hopefully, but they both knew their luck wasn’t that good. “I just hope this was enough to break him free from this rut he’s been in.”
“One night out isn’t enough to fix what he’s going through,” Jin Ling denied, despite hoping for the same thing. “But... but it might be enough to get him moving again. If we can get him to feel his emotions, we might be able to help him heal enough to the point where he’s... happy again.”
“I... I don’t think he’ll ever truly be happy again,” Sizhui’s voice dropped to a pained whisper. “Not unless Sect Leader Jiang...”
“There’s still been no word?”
“Not even a single letter,” Sizhui sighed. “I would have thought Sect Leader Jiang would have written to him at least once but...”
“And there’s no way that idiot would write first.” Jin Ling ground out. He loved his friend, and he loved his Uncle, but he was just so frustrated! If his Uncle hadn’t expressly forbid him from saying anything to Jingyi, Jin Ling would have made sure this mess was cleaned up weeks ago.
“We just have to-” Sizhui was cut off by rustling coming from behind the screen. In a flash, both men were on their feet.
“A-Yi?” Sizhui started gently, calling out to the other man. “Are you awake?”
“Do you want some water?” Jin Ling offered.
“Go away...” A mournful response made the hair on the back of their necks rise.
“We’re not going anywhere,” Sizhui promised. “We’re sworn brothers, remember? That means we’re going to be by your side no matter what.”
“Leave me a-alone,” Jingyi begged, his voice hitching painfully. Lan Sizhui and Jin Ling exchanged an alarmed look before rushing to the other side of the screen. There, Lan Jingyi was curled in a ball in the center of the bed, his body hidden from view because of the blankets, but they could still see how he shook. “I-make it stop... please...”
“Make what stop?” Sizhui asked as he sat on the bed next to him. Jin Ling did the same, trying to bite back the fear clawing its way up his throat. He had heard all kinds of emotions from Lan Jingyi, particularly when he was drunk - he had heard Jingyi be loud and brash, at the start of their nights. He had heard him be angry and cold, like their last outing in Yunmeng. He had heard him be small and sad.
But he had never heard Lan Jingyi sound so desolate, as if breathing alone was enough to make him take his own life.
“It h-h-hurts,” Jingyi sobbed, shoulders shaking. “It hurts! It hurts!”
“What hurts?”
“My-my heart,” He rolled over to show fat, desperate tears rolling down his flushed cheeks. “I-I want to make it stop... please... make it stop.”
“How can we make it stop?” Sizhui asked, his own fear bleeding into his words.
“I need-” Jingyi stumbled to his feet, ignoring how the other two tried to keep him in the bed. He staggered out into the room, glazed eyes frantically searching for something. By the time his friends caught up with him, he found what he was looking for.
“What are you-” Jin Ling felt his blood run cold.
Cultivators fought primarily with their swords. Some, like the Lans, also used musical cultivation. Many cultivators, like Jin Ling, preferred bows and arrows. All of these weapons were special, imbued with spiritual energy to make their attacks stronger.
When Wei Wuxian had returned, there was a piece of advice he had given to every Junior that followed him like a duckling. He told them that they should never use their spiritual weapons for mundane tasks, like cutting wood or skinning an animal, so they should always carry a normal knife on their person. It didn’t have to be anything fancy, but as long as it did the job, it would be good enough. He had gone as far as to gift each of them with a simple, sturdy hunting knife for just such a purpose.
Which was why Jin Ling recognized the blade in Jingyi’s hand immediately. It was the same one he had, in his quinkun pouch. Jingyi had the blade aimed at his heart, arms raised to give himself enough momentum to stab himself clean through. Jin Ling lurched forward, but Sizhui was faster.
“What are you doing?” He shouted. Jin Ling couldn’t recall a time Sizhui had raised his voice in such a way but he was too stunned by what he was witnessing to really care. Jingyi fought against his friend, trying to get his knife back.
“Give it-it to me!” He growled, tears still streaming down his face. By the way Sizhui grimaced, it was clear Jingyi was putting up a genuine fight. “I need it!”
“For what?”
“To make it stop!”
“I won’t allow that,” Sizhui said, tone final. He wretched the knife away only to throw it to the far side of the room. The blade spun until it hit the wall with a sickening clank. “What were you going to do? Answer me, Lan Jingyi!”
“If-if I cut my heart out, it-it can’t hurt me anymore!” He collapsed to his knees, sobbing into trembling hands. “Why-why won’t you let me!? Do-do you hate me? Do you-do you want me to suffer!?”
“Of course not,” Sizhui fell to his knees as well, instantly pulling Jingyi close to his chest. “No...no A-Yi, we don’t want you to suffer at all.”
“So why?” He sobbed harder. “Why won’t you let-let me make it stop? It-it hurts so badly... it hurts! It hurts! Make it stop! Please... please make it stop, I'll do anything! I’ll do anything!”
“It’ll be okay,” It seemed not even Sizhui knew what to say. Jin Ling finally unfroze his legs and rushed over, collapsing at Jingyi’s other side. He joined the embrace, holding the sobbing man as close as he could. He could feel Sizhui’s arm digging into his side but he didn’t care. “Shhhh...shhh it’ll be okay.”
“No it won’t!” Jingyi thrashed, but between Sizhui and Jin Ling, there wasn’t a chance in the world of him breaking free of their hold. “It’ll never be okay! I-I’ll never be okay again!”
“We’ve got you,” Jin Ling whispered, his tears soaking into the back of Jingyi’s robes. He was so fucking scared. “We’re not going to let you face this alone.”
“It-it’s all his fault!” Jingyi wailed, collapsing in their arms. “I hate him! I hate him so fucking much! Why? Why did he do this to me? Why did he-he make me fall in love with him and then just-just abandon me? Like I was nothing! Was-was that all I ever was to him? Was I just- just some sort of distraction until-until he got back to normal? He used me and threw me out like-like I was garbage! I hate him! I hate Jiang Wanyin!”
“No you don’t,” Sizhui scolded gently. “He hurt you, yes, but you don’t hate him.”
“I hate him,” Jingyi repeated. “I hate him... hate him, hate him, hate him!”
“Don’t say things you don’t mean.”
“I...I-” he cut himself off with a harsh sob. “I d-d-don’t hate him. I don’t hate him... I love him. I lo-love him so much that it h-h-hurts... I love him even though he hurts me... I love him so much. I-I want to-to spend the rest of my life with him but-but I’m not allowed... I’ll never be-be allowed...”
“We know, A-Yi,” Sizhui assured him. “It’s okay.”
“I want to hate him s-s-so badly,” He continued, letting the words tumble from shaking lips. “I want to hate him but I can’t because I’m cursed! I’m-I’m cursed with this blood and-and I could n-n-never hate him, even if it k-kills me.”
“No one’s talking about death,” Jin Ling snapped. “No one’s dying.”
“I want to die,” Jingyi admitted, making them freeze. “I want-I want to make it stop...”
“You can’t do that,” Sizhui pleaded. “We need you... what are we supposed to do if you leave us?”
“Why....?”
“Because we love you.”
“Love... is a curse,” It sounded like he had run out of tears. “If... if I kill myself, would he visit my grave? Do-do you think he-he’d mourn me?”
“Jingyi-”
“No,” He cut Jin Ling off with a low, heartbreaking keen. “No he-he wouldn’t... he-he’s probably already forgotten about me... how could I have been so-so stupid? He hates me... he hates me. He probably- he’d probably be happy if I died-”
Jingyi cut off abruptly, falling limp in their arms. Just as Jin Ling was about to panic, he saw Sizhui’s hand raised. The older man’s face was pained but his voice was soft when he opened his mouth.
“I hate using pressure points to knock him out but-” He took a trembling breath. “I couldn’t bear to listen to him.”
“He doesn’t actually think that... does he?” Jin Ling wanted - no, needed - Sizhui to deny it.
“I’m afraid he might. His emotions are always heightened when he’s drunk, but there’s some truth behind all the dramatics,” The older man whispered, petting their sleeping’s friend’s hair.
“He’s been so listless lately. Baba and Father have been worried, warning me to watch out for-for signs of depression or hints he might be a danger to himself but I refused to see him clearly. I thought if....if I kept supporting him and encouraging him, he’d come back to himself on his own... is this my fault? Am I the one to blame for it getting this bad?”
“Of course not,” Jin Ling snapped, but there was no fire there. “You did what you could. You’re not a mind reader, even if you act like it sometimes... there was only so much you could do, and from your letters it sounded like you were making some progress.”
“Not enough progress it seems,” Sizhui sounded far older all of a sudden. “Come on, let’s get him into bed. We could all use some rest.”
“I’ll stay up for a bit,” Jin Ling offered. “You can sleep... I’ll watch over him.”
“Mhm,” Sizhui nodded. “Wake me in a few hours so you can rest too.”
“Alright...” Jin Ling settled into the bed, his back propped up against the wall as Sizhui tucked Jingyi in under the covers. He was exhausted, but he was fairly certain he wouldn’t have been able to sleep even if he tried.
Lan Jingyi cracked his eyes open with a pained groan. It was far too early to be awake, even if he wasn’t hungover with a pounding headache, but he knew there was no chance of escaping into the bliss of sleep now. He turned his head to one side to see Jin Ling curled around one of his stuffed animals, his breathing steady and his mouth cracked open a fraction, a line of drool pooling on the pillow below him. Turning his head to the other side he saw Sizhui, who was awake and plucking at the blanket on his lap as if it were his guqin.
“A-Yi,” Sizhui’s eyes widened when he realized Jingyi was awake. “How... how are you feeling?”
“Like shit,” He groaned, burying his face in his pillow. “But... but at least I can feel that... so better than before, I guess.”
“You really scared us.”
“I’m sorry,” He wanted to cry, but it seemed he was all out of tears. A rush of shame colored his ears. He didn’t even want to think about what he might have done while passed out. “I never meant to worry you so much... It was like I could see myself doing it but I couldn’t stop it.”
“But you can feel now?”
“Mhm,” He hummed. “It’s strange... it’s like all my emotions were stuck under a sheet of ice. I could see them, and I could almost touch them, but they were locked away.”
“I see... would you be willing to speak to the healers about it?” Sizhui knew he was walking into dangerous waters, but after what Jingyi had confessed the night before, he wasn’t about to chance losing his best friend for good.
“What good would that do?”
“You know the mind healers in Gusu are very skilled,” He reminded the other man. “They helped you when you were a child... they could help you with this too. It’s not going to fix you instantly, but it’ll help.”
“I’ll think about it,” Jingyi relented after a moment of silence. “Once my head stops feeling like Senior Wei’s stupid donkey kicked my skull in.”
“I can fetch some pain relievers.” Sizhui made to move when he felt a hand on his wrist.
“Stay?” Jingyi asked softly. “Just for... just for a little while longer.”
“Of course,” He agreed instantly. He settled back down in the bed, pulling Jingyi close to his chest. “You can rest your eyes a little more, if you’d like. We’re both going to be here when you wake up again.”
And even though he had been sure he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, Jingyi suddenly felt that sleeping was the most alluring thing in the world.
Several hours later found the trio shuffling their way to the infirmary. The primary operative was to get something for both Jingyi and Jin Ling’s lingering headaches, but a secondary purpose was to speak to the mind healers about setting up an appointment to help Jingyi. The other man was hesitant, but even he agreed it was necessary. He didn’t know what he did while drunk, but he knew it must have been drastic by the way both of his friends seemed to cling to him.
“Ah, Young Master Lan,” An older disciple stopped when he saw who was approaching. “I was sent to tell you that you have a package. Grandmaster Qiren has it in his study.”
“Why? They normally just send any mail I get right to my room,” Jingyi frowned a little, glancing at Sizhui. When his friend simply shrugged, he turned back to the other man. “I’ll go there when I’m free. Thank you for letting me know.”
“Of course,” the man bowed. He straightened but hesitated. “You’re looking better this morning.”
“I look like shit,” Jingyi deadpanned. The man jolted at the curse but was clearly trying to fight back a small smile. “Lying is forbidden in the Cloud Recesses.”
“I swear I mean it, Young Master Lan,” The man did smile this time. “It’s good to see some light back in your eyes.”
“What?” Jingyi blinked, taken off guard by the comment, but the disciple simply bowed again and dismissed himself. He turned to his friends, who had remained silent through the whole exchange. “What do you think he meant?”
“I’m not sure.” Jin Ling shrugged. It was only partially a lie.
“I think he means that you’ve come back to us,” Sizhui smiled warmly at his oldest friend. “We weren’t the only ones worried about you.”
“Oh...” Jingyi flushed a little. He hadn’t meant to make so much trouble for everyone.
“Let’s go get that headache of yours tended to and we can go check on this mysterious package,” Sizhui tugged him towards the infirmary. “What do you think it could be?”
“I haven’t the foggiest idea,” He answered truthfully. “Could it be something cursed?”
“Who would send you a cursed item?” Jin Ling shot back. “And better yet, why would Grandmaster Qiren send for you to retrieve it if it were a cursed item?”
“I don’t know!” He pouted a little. “Why would he hold onto a package of mine at all?”
“The sooner we make it to the infirmary, the sooner we can solve this mystery.” Sizhui reminded them. Though he wasn’t looking forward to speaking with the mind healers, the promise of a mysterious package after definitely brightened Jingyi’s spirits.
“Let’s go then!” He grinned, not missing how both his friends lit up at the sight.
“See? That wasn’t too bad, right?” Jin Ling nudged Jingyi as they walked out of the infirmary.
“It could have been worse, I suppose...” He grumbled. The meeting with the mind healers hadn’t been bad, per se, but it certainly hadn’t been fun. Giving them a condensed list of what he had been going through the last few weeks seemed to drain him more than sword drills ever could, but by the end he felt lighter. He knew once he began the daily sessions they planned, he would begin to feel even lighter, but at the time being all it did was fill him with trepidation for what was to come.
“Grandmaster Qiren is between classes at this time,” Lan Sizhui hummed, hands folded politely behind his back. “If we walk with urgency we should be able to catch him before he leaves for the afternoon lectures.”
Lan Jingyi was suddenly more energized. For a moment, he had almost forgotten about the mysterious package awaiting him in the Grandmaster’s office. With renewed vigor, he led the other two down the familiar pathway.
“Grandmaster Qiren?” He called, knocking on the door.
“I was wondering when you were going to show up,” The older man’s voice called back. “Come in.”
The three filed into the office, bowing to Grandmaster Qiren before settling down at the table. The older man left behind the paperwork at his desk in favor of joining them, his face calm but contemplative as he examined Jingyi from head to toe.
“Lan Jingyi.”
“Y-yes, Grandmaster!” he stumbled over his words, not having expected to be addressed so suddenly.
“You have given this old man quite the fright,” He hummed, stroking his beard as he stared holes into Jingyi’s head. “Wangji and Wuxian have been informing me on your condition and I must say it was quite concerning.”
“I’m-I’m sorry,” He bowed his head in shame. “I never meant to worry everyone this much... I thought if I continued with my duties, no one would notice.”
“Silly boy,” The man scoffed, making Jingyi’s head fly up in shock. “Of course we’re going to notice if you start walking around like a corpse. You may have been diligent with your duties, but anyone with eyes could see there was no life behind the actions.”
“I-I apologize...”
“I don’t want an apology,” Grandmaster Qiren scolded before sighing. He looked at Jingyi a moment longer, as if trying to memorize his face. “I just wish you would have come to me, if you were feeling so poorly. I may not have been much help, but having someone to confide in can soothe the soul.”
“I didn’t want to bother you,” He admitted. “I thought if I handled it, it would go away on its own.”
“Have you spoken with the mind healers?”
“Just now we did,” Lan Sizhui chimed in, and Jingyi had never been more grateful to have his friend by his side. “They set up a schedule for daily meetings for two weeks, then they’ll bring it down to once a week until they feel it’s no longer needed.”
“Good,” Grandmaster Qiren nodded. “Jingyi, I’m proud of you.”
“Huh?” He blinked.
“Accepting that you are not fine and that you need help can be one of the hardest things for a person to do,” the man hummed sagely. “I’ve seen many bright lives ruined because they simply refused to acknowledge that something was wrong.”
“I- thank you,” He bowed his head. “I promise I’ll work towards getting better.”
“I know you will,” He assured the younger man. “Though I know updating me on your condition isn’t the reason for your visit.”
“No... it wasn’t,” He agreed sheepishly. “A disciple told me you had some sort of package for me?”
“Indeed,” He stood and went over to his desk. Picking up a fairly large parcel, he returned to the table and placed it down in front of the Lan heir. “I wanted you to open this here... I don’t know how you might react, and I worried your safety might be in jeopardy if it went wrong.”
“So it is a cursed item!” Jingyi cried, earning a smack on the arm from Jin Ling.
“Are you an idiot?” The younger man scolded. “Why would Grandmaster Qiren give you a cursed item?”
“But why else...” He trailed off, finally looking at the package.
At the sight of the familiar handwriting on the front of the package, Lan Jingyi suddenly understood why Grandmaster Qiren had been so wary.
“That’s- that’s Uncle’s handwriting!” Jin Ling cried out, realizing the same thing Jingyi had.
“So he finally decided to write...” Sizhui muttered darkly, tilting his head down to hide his eyes.
“What-”
“Open it.” Grandmaster Qiren ordered gently. With shaking hands, Jingyi began to undo the twine holding the package together. As the paper fell away, he was greeted with the horrifying sight of purple.
Sitting innocently on the paper was a full set of YunmengJiang robes. The inner robes were black with a lilac trim, while the outer robes were a rich violet. The fabric itself was light and soft, the hems embroidered with lotus blossoms amongst clouds. There was a sash of the same lilac as the hems of the inner robes, which was also carefully embroidered, as well as a matching violet ribbon which he assumed was for his hair. There was even a pair of pants made from the same black as the inner robes and gauntlets with the iconic YunmengJiang lotus pressed into the leather. Surprising still, he found a pair of leather boots, the body of the shoes a shining black but accented with violet, the buttons up the side decorated with the same lotus as the gauntlets.
On top of the robes was a letter. He lifted the single sheet of paper with a shaking hand and began reading.
Jingyi,
You must be furious at me for not writing for so long, but despite how much I wished to say, I never seemed to find the words. You’d laugh at me for how much ink and paper I wasted trying to find the right combination of characters to explain myself properly. I’ve said it before, and it’s something I’ll stand by until my last breath - you’re beautiful in purple. I promised I’d have a set of robes commissioned just for you, but it took far longer than I anticipated for them to be up to my standards. As soon as they were completed I packaged them up. I’ll be sending the package along with this letter the second the ink dries.
Jingyi, I cannot put into words how sorry I am for causing you so much pain. If I was a stronger man, maybe I could have stopped that pain before it started, but you made me feel fear the likes
I’ve never experienced. I know you saw what happened to me in the years the goddess took from me, but none of that compares to how you scare me. I never thought myself capable of allowing someone into my life, though I suppose this was less of me allowing you in and more you worming your way into my heart without my permission. I thought Jin Ling was the only person I needed, but you proved me so embarrassingly wrong, time and time again.
Even if you choose to never speak to me again, I need to make myself clear. The time we spent together made me happier than I can ever recall being. The intimate moments between us are something I still cherish. It was never unwanted. In fact, it was so incredibly wanted that it scared me. It still does, because I still crave it. Even now my heart cries out, knowing you aren’t going to burst into my room with a smile. Knowing you aren’t here to tease me or take me drinking. Lan Jingyi, my feelings for you aren’t something casual. I know it can’t be appetizing, having a man so much older say such things, so if you wish to pretend you never knew me, I’ll respect your wishes, but I would never be able to live with myself if I didn’t at least let you know.
I love you, but I know I’ve made mistakes. I know I did things I don’t deserve forgiveness for. I love you but I’ve brought harm upon you. You did so much for me, and all I did in return is cause you pain. Please forgive me, A-Yi. All I want to do is preserve your happiness, and if I can do that by keeping my distance, I will do so gladly.
The robes are yours to do with as you please. Wear them, burn them. Whatever will make you happiest.
It’s selfish of me, but please. Even if it takes lifetimes, I beg you to forgive me.
Yours eternally,
Jiang Wanyin
“That fucking idiot...” Lan Jingyi barked out a sob, not caring that Grandmaster Qiren was sitting just across the table from him. He clutched the letter to his chest, tears streaming down his face and dripping onto the beautiful robes before him.
“You should go to him.” Grandmaster Qiren suggested.
“But-”
“As your Grandmaster, I am ordering you to go to Yunmeng,” The older man said sternly. “I will have your duties covered for as long as you need. I will even excuse Sizhui from his duties as well, so he may accompany you.”
“But-”
“Are you defying an order, Lan Jingyi?”
“N-no, but... is it a good idea?” He placed the letter down in favor of running a shaking hand along the robes.
“Jingyi, I know you’re hesitant, but this isn’t something you can run from forever. It will eat away at you until you can no longer remember who you once were,” Grandmaster Qiren’s voice was grim. “I’ve seen it happen to too many of the people I love, and I promised this to you once before, but I will never allow someone I care for to fall into such a place again. So again, you will go to Lotus Pier, for however long you need.”
“You should wear the robes,” Sizhui hummed, nudging Jingyi’s side. “It seems he put a lot of thought into them. It would be rude to ignore such a gift.”
“He told me I could burn them, if I wished.” He muttered, tracing one of the clouds.
“He must have known you would never do that, no matter how angry he might have believed you were,” Jin Ling scoffed before his face softened. “This is good, right? Clearly he returns your feelings... you don’t have to suffer all alone anymore. You can be happy.”
“Do I deserve it, though?”
“Of course you do,” Sizhui jumped to his defense instantly. “You out of everyone deserve to be happy.”
“And remember,” Jin Ling leaned into his side. “We’ll be with you every step of the way, yeah? You don’t have to do anything on your own.”
“Mhm,” He hummed, smiling as he scrubbed the tears from his cheeks. “Let me change and pack. We can leave by the top of the hour.”
Jiang Wanyin watched his disciples train with a stern expression. The young cultivators worked extra hard to ensure their drills were perfect since their Sect Leader was watching them so closely.
Little did they know he was barely paying them any mind.
His thoughts were a storm in his head. It had been over a full day since he sent the package to Gusu, and while he didn’t expect an immediate response, the anxiety was building high enough to choke him. Wei Wuxian was dancing amongst the disciples, correcting their posture here and there with a grin.
He wondered if he’d ever be able to express to his brother how much he genuinely appreciated everything he had done the last few weeks. While he could have handled the work that had piled up in his brief absence, having Wei Wuxian by his side really did lighten the load. Guilt ripped at his ribs for how he allowed himself to chase his brother away. They could have been working together like this for the last three decades if only he had been able to pull his head out of his ass long enough to see the truth-
A harsh flick to his forehead made him growl.
“You’re making that ugly face again,” Wei Wuxian scolded. “What have I told you?”
“That I need to stop dwelling on the past,” He ground out past gritted teeth. “And that I need to forgive myself...”
“Very good, Chengcheng!” Wei Wuxian clapped his hands and Jiang Wanyin felt the vein on his forehead pulse.
“Wei Wuxian...” He growled in warning, but before he could tackle the older man he saw a flash in the sky.
“Are we expecting visitors?” Wei Wuxian asked, equally as confused.
“Not that I’m aware of...” He trailed off, trying to make out any distinguishing features but all he could see was that it was three figures on swords. As they got closer, he caught flashes of white, gold, and... purple?
“A-Yuan?” Wei Wuxian gasped, recognizing his son the same moment that Jiang Wanyin spotted his nephew.
Which meant the third figure had to be...
No, he couldn’t allow himself to hope-
“YOU IDIOT!” A painfully familiar voice called out. Before Jiang Wanyin even had a chance to blink, there were arms wrapping tightly around his neck. His hands came up to snake around the person’s waist without thinking, but he quickly held them closer when he realized who it was. Legs wrapped around his waist but they might as well have been weightless in his arms.
“Jingyi...” He breathed the name out like a prayer. The purple fabric under his grasp wrinkled from how hard he was gripping it.
“You’re such a fucking idiot,” Lan Jingyi babbled, his tears soaking the older man’s robes. “Burn them? How could I burn the robes? Are you mad?”
“I-I don’t- I don’t know,” He stumbled over his words, still unsure if this was real or a painful hallucination. “I didn’t know if... if you’d even want them, after everything.”
“After everything-” Jingyi pulled back just enough to look Wanyin in the eyes and it seemed as though time itself stood still for them. “You really are an idiot.”
Before he could retort, Jiang Wanyin felt lips on his own. He eagerly leaned into the kiss, drinking in the weight in his arms and the warmth soaking into his skin. Lan Jingyi sobbed into the kiss, the salt touching their tongues as he opened his mouth wider. His fingers dug into Jingyi’s sides but the spike of pain only caused the younger man to moan sweetly. He felt fingers in his hair, tugging it down from its usual bun. The sound of his headpiece clattering to the ground should have been enough to remind him that they were outside but he was too focused on the sensation of Jingyi tugging on his hair from the root.
He couldn’t hold back a growl as he pulled back from the kiss. He heard Jingyi whine for only a moment before the whine was replaced by a broken moan as he began biting the younger man’s throat. If he had been wearing his GusuLan robes, there would have been far too much fabric in the way to mark his Jingyi up the way he deserved.
Thankfully, he wasn’t in those stuffy mourning robes. No, Lan Jingyi was wearing the YunmengJiang robes Wanyin had commissioned specifically for him. He was wearing the robes Wanyin had spent countless hours agonizing over, making sure every single thread was up to his standards, which meant his neck was blissfully exposed.
“Ah- Wanyin...” Lan Jingyi gaped, grinding his hips down as the older man sucked a particularly harsh bruise into the crook of his neck.
“CAN YOU NOT DO THAT HERE!?” An enraged voice made them jump apart. In his shock, Jingyi only held on tighter to Wanyin’s neck in fear of being thrown. He should have known better though. Wanyin would never have dropped him.
“A-Ling,” Wanyin cleared his throat, peering over Jingyi’s shoulder at his nephew - and his brother, and his other nephew, and all of his disciples who were openly gawking at the scene before them. “I-”
“Just... go to your room before you go any farther...” Jin Ling pinched the bridge of his nose. Lan Jingyi nearly screamed in mortification, hiding his face in Wanyin’s neck as if it would hide him from the crowd they had amassed.
“Congrats to the happy couple!” Wei Wuxian cheered, earning a particularly withering glare from his brother.
“Wei Wuxian, you’re in charge of training for the rest of the day,” He barked out, trying to hide his own embarrassment under his commanding tone. “Don’t let anyone slack off.”
“Understood~” Wei Wuxian gave him a far too knowing look. “And don’t worry Chengcheng, I’ll make sure no one bothers you and little A-Yi for the rest of the day, okay? Just be kind to him... he’s new to all of this.”
“SENIOR WEI!” Jingyi screamed, trying to curl smaller in Jiang Wanyin’s arms.
“If you cause his heart to give out now I’m fairly certain half the cultivation world would be after your head, Baba.” Sizhui hummed, eyes twinkling at all the new opportunities to tease his friend that just presented themselves to him.
“Ah, can’t have that again, now can we?” Wei Wuxian chuckled before turning to the disciples and clapping to get their attention. “You heard him! Back to work! No slacking!”
“Uncle...” Jin Ling called out in a warning tone. Jiang Wanyin froze, having only taken two strides in the direction of his chambers. Lan Jingyi tensed in his arms as he turned to face his nephew
“What is it? Can you see I’m busy?” He snapped. Jin Ling’s face twisted in disgust before he settled his expression.
“Take care of him,” He said, though it was clearly a threat. “I mean it. He’s my brother. If you hurt him, I won’t hesitate to retaliate.”
“Of course,” Jiang Wanyin promised instantly. He knew that look in Jin Ling’s eye. He knew for a fact that it wasn’t an idle threat. It was a good thing he was planning on keeping that promise.
“I’ll do anything for him.”
“Good,” Jin Ling crossed his arms but it was clear he was pleased by the response. “I- I supposed I leave him to you, then.”
“He’s in good hands.”
“I know,” The younger man’s face softened. “Now go, before you make even bigger fools of yourselves than you already have.”
Jiang Wanyin nodded, shooting his nephew a lopsided smirk before walking briskly to his rooms. He resisted breaking out in a full-out sprint, mainly because he didn’t want to jostle the man in his arms too badly, but also because he wanted to preserve his energy somewhat. One of the first things he noticed when he regained his years was how much less energy his forty-five year old body had compared to his eighteen year-old body. Over a natural course of life, the decrease wouldn’t be that obvious, but his change was instantaneous, as were the glaring differences.
“How embarrassing...” Lan Jingyi lamented, his face still buried in Jiang Wanyin’s neck.
“Well it’s their fault for looking,” He scoffed. “They should have turned around.”
“They’re never going to let me live this down...” He cried dramatically. “They’re going to tease me until we’re old and grey!”
“Don’t worry,” He hummed, smiling for what felt like the first time since he got his years back. “I’ll be there to defend your honor.”
“Even against Jin Ling?”
“Particularly against Jin Ling,” He swore. “Though he’ll behave if he knows what's good for him. I raised him. I have enough embarrassing stories to send him to an early grave.”
“You’ll have to tell me all of them.” He grinned against Wanyin’s throat.
“Of course,” It was such an easy promise to make. He would do anything Lan Jingyi asked of him, even if it was impossible. That was his family’s motto after all, and for Jingyi, he was willing to not only attempt the impossible, but succeed at it too. “I’ll tell you everything. Anything.”
“Anything?”
“Anything,” He repeated. “No matter what you want to know. All you have to do is ask.”
“You love me?”
“I do,” And admitting it outloud to Lan Jingyi felt like iron shackles falling from his wrists. Jingyi’s arms tightened around his neck. “I love you... and I’m sorry it took so long to tell you. I really am an idiot, aren’t I?”
“You really are,” He agreed, his voice wavering. “Wanyin?”
“Mhm?”
“I love you too,” He choked out. “I love you so much it scares me. I-I think I’ve loved you for a long time but-but I only realized it recently. I... I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to go on night hunts with you, and bandage your wounds. I want to wipe your tears and commit the sound of your laughter to memory. I want to wake up next to you and comb the knots from your hair and be the one to hold your hand. I want-I want to give myself to you... all of me. I want you to have it...”
“You can’t just say something like that,” Wanyin had to stop walking. His heart was beating out of his chest and he was worried he might collapse. “I’m not strong enough.”
“A-Cheng is the strongest man I know.” Jingyi replied cheekily. Huffing, Wanyin bounced the younger man in his arms, earning a yelp.
He picked up the pace, knowing his room was just around the corner. He couldn’t bear to be outside for even a moment longer than he had to be when there was something so much more exciting waiting for him behind closed doors.
“It’s just like I remember it-UGH!” Lan Jingyi was cut off as he was thrown onto the bed.
“You talk entirely too much.” Wanyin said, pressing soft kisses to the corner of the younger man’s mouth the moment his ass was on the mattress.
“I-I think you like it.” He laughed, his heart swelling so much he though it might actually burst.
“I never said I didn’t.”
“Wanyin...?”
“Mhm?”
“Senior Wei was right.”
“Please don’t bring him up right now...” He sighed, closing his eyes and letting his forehead fall onto Jingyi’s shoulder.
“Pfft- sorry,” He chuckled again, reaching up to card his fingers through Wanyin’s loose flowing hair. His laughter tapered off as he frowned a little. “But... he really was right. I know he was just teasing but- but I don’t have any experience with... something like this.”
“I figured,” Wanyin hummed, wrapping his arms around Jingyi’s waist. “I was your first kiss, after all.”
“I was yours too!” He shot back before furrowing his eyebrows. “Or... or maybe I wasn’t? How does that even work? Unless-”
He gasped, making Wanyin lift his head.
“I don’t like that look in your eye.” The older man deadpanned.
“Was I your first kiss ever?” Lan Jingyi’s eyes widened even more.
“You were when I was eighteen a second time.” Wanyin gave him that much.
“Then who was your real first kiss?”
“You really want to talk about this now?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Yes!”
“Fine,” He sighed, but Jingyi knew he wasn’t actually frustrated. “My real first kiss was... gods, it’s embarrassing looking back.”
“Most first kisses are.”
“Nie Huasiang came to spend some time in Lotus Pier while we were rebuilding, right after the war,” He muttered, his ears burning red as he recalled those nights. “It was... nice, having someone close to me during that time. I was a mess - emotionally, but also physically. It took me a while to build my strength back up, and he helped me train until I was confident in my abilities again.”
“Sect Leader Nie trained with you?” Lan Jingyi gasped. While he knew Sect Leader Nie wasn’t the headshaker everyone seemed to assume he was, he also knew the man was notorious for avoiding physical labor at all costs.
“Well, he encouraged me to train,” Wanyin shot the younger man a lopsided grin. “We got embarrassingly drunk one night and ended up kissing... and then some. Nothing came from it, obviously, but he was my first for a lot of things. We never mentioned it again, though he’ll send me explicit art every now and again that he thinks I’d like. Unfortunately, he’s always correct, which infuriates me.”
“What?” Lan Jingyi’s spine straightened. “You-you slept with Sect Leader Nie!?”
“Why are you so surprised?” Wanyin shot back. “I’m a grown ass man! Of course I’ve slept with someone before!”
“You’re not a virgin!?”
“A-” Jiang Wanyin sat up fully. “Who told you I was a virgin?”
“That’s... confidential,” Lan Jingyi had a feeling Jin Ling would be in trouble if he let slip who planted that idea in his head. “But it’s good! At least one of us has some experience.”
“Are you nervous?” He asked, taking Jingyi’s hand and rubbing comforting circles into his palm with his thumb. Jingyi followed the movement with his eyes for a moment before deciding to answer.
“A little,” He admitted. “I know things theoretically, but I don’t know how much good that’ll do me in this situation.”
“We can go slow,” Wanyin promised, taking Jingyi’s hand and pressing a kiss to the younger man’s knuckles. “We have all the time in the world. We don’t need to rush anything.”
“But-but I want to!” His heart sank at the notion of leaving these chambers without having slept with the love of his life, trepidation be damned!
“Then come here.” Wanyin all but purred, sitting back and patting his thigh. Jingyi swallowed back a whimper at the sudden display of dominance.
He never really considered what role he would play in a relationship. Thanks to his... education, he understood that there were many ways for a man to behave both in and out of bed. He was also unfortunate enough to hear snippets of how Hanguang-Jun and Senior Wei’s relationship worked, as scarring as that had been.
While he never really thought about it too much, he found himself crawling towards the older man without hesitation. His skin prickled at how Wanyin’s eyes seemed to darken at the sight and he felt a spark go down his spine knowing he was the reason the powerful Sect Leader Jiang was making such an expression.
He crawled onto Jiang Wanyin’s lap but paused. Should he put his hands on his chest? Around his neck? Should he put his weight on Wanyin’s lap or should he stay up on his knees?
“You’re thinking too hard,” Jiang Wanyin accused before pulling him into a bruising kiss. Lan Jingyi went willingly, allowing the older man to take control. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he trusted Jiang Wanyin with his life. “Just relax... if you want to stop at any time, you say something. Understand?”
“Mhm.”
“Good boy,” Waniyn purred and Jingyi couldn’t stop the breathless sound that escaped his stinging lips. “My good boy.”
“Yours.”
He lost himself in the sensations - Wanyin’s fingers digging into his waist. Wanyin’s lips trailing down the column of his throat. Wanyin’s teeth marring the expanse of flawless skin there. Wanyin’s heat, soaking into his body. Wanyin’s breath, scalding against his exposed chest.
The robes that had been so carefully prepared for him were quickly discarded, thrown into a heap somewhere on the floor, but he couldn’t bring himself to care at the moment. Maybe later he would be cross that they let the beautiful fabric get wrinkled, but all he could focus on was how every touch made him twitch. How every prod made him gasp.
Would it have felt this good, he wondered, if he tried this with someone else? Someone he didn’t love so deeply? He arched into Wanyin’s touch, desperate babbles and pleas falling from kiss swollen lips.
Would it have sent fire racing through his veins if it had been someone else? Would he have made such ruined sounds if anyone other than Wanyin were to touch him?
“That’s it,” Wanyin praised, holding him close. Their skin was tacky with sweat, the air of the room suffocating, but Jingyi couldn’t bring himself to care less when he could feel the older man’s heartbeat sync up with his own. “So good for me... gods, you’re so perfect. I can’t believe you chose me of all people.”
He wanted to retort - how could he have even looked at anyone else when Wanyin was all he ever needed? - but his words were locked away, only gasps and moans and whimpers escaping his mouth.
He didn’t know pleasure like this existed. No wonder Senior Wei and Hanguang-Jun were so adamant about spending their evenings alone together.
Was it possible that he could feel this way all the time?
His skin throbbed with addicting pain and he knew he was smothered in bruises but that didn’t stop him from wishing Wanyin would leave a couple more. He had never been a fan of pain, but this was different from the pain he would feel after training too hard or being too reckless on a night hunt. This was the kind of pain that promised a lifetime of pleasure. The kind of pain that assured him that Wanyin wanted him as badly as he wanted Wanyin.
His body tensed as he came, his vision going completely white. His ears rang so loudly he missed the sound Wanyin made as he filled Jingyi’s body with heat and he internally lamented the loss of such a sound.
He didn’t know how long he lay boneless, his chest heaving as though he had run up the steps of the Cloud Recesses. The sensation of fingers trailing gently along his spine lulled him deeper into the clouds that had taken the place of his mind, filling his skull with fluff and leaving no space for thoughts.
“Drink this.” A voice finally broke through his muddle mind.
Something pressed against his bottom lip and he opened his mouth without thinking. Frigid water flooded his dry mouth and he swallowed it down as though it were a Godly elixir. It was so good it almost hurt running down his sore throat and he couldn’t help but whine when the cup was taken away before he was ready.
“Careful,” A chuckle came from close by. “You’ll make yourself sick if you drink too fast.”
“Wanyin...” He croaked, wincing at how wrecked he sounded.
“There you are,” Wanyin hummed softly, brushing sweaty bangs away from his glassy eyes. “How do you feel?”
“Like I reached immortality.” He answered honestly, slumping more against the older man’s chest now that the cup was no longer in his way. He was grateful Wanyin stopped him, because he could already feel the water sloshing around in his stomach in a way that made him want to grimace.
“That’s high praise,” Wanyin chuckled, the vibrations going through Jingyi’s chest and down to his toes. “You were perfect, but of course you were. You’re always perfect.”
“You’re the only one who thinks that,” Jingyi rolled his eyes a little, earning a painless smack to the back of his head. He grinned lazily, looking up at Wanyin as he reclined them both onto the bed, their chests flush against one another. “Hey.”
“Mhm?”
“I love you.”
“Good thing I just so happen to love you back,” Wanyin smirked. “Otherwise I’d have a lot of explaining to do to a lot of people.”
“How are we going to do this?” The smile faded some.
“What do you mean?” He asked, using his fingers to undo some of the tangles that had gotten into Jingyi’s hair.
“You’re YunmengJiang’s sect leader,” His brow furrowed. “And even if I’m not a sect leader myself, I will be one day... but how can I devote myself to my clan if all I want to do is be by your side? Grandmaster Qiren said that he’d find loopholes to allow us to be together, but-but what if I cause my people strife because of my own selfish desires?”
“First of all, you aren’t selfish,” Wanyin scolded gently. “You clearly want what’s best for your clan and you’re not even sect leader yet. That’s a good sign - it means you’ll be able to do good by them. That being said, there’s nothing that says we can’t visit each other regularly. It’s important to keep up sect relations, right?”
“I suppose...”
“And secondly, that old goat said what?”
“Ppft-” He couldn’t help but laugh at the incredulous tone. “I was surprised too! He figured it out way too easily, which was mortifying... he-he said he’s watched too many people he cares about ruin themselves because he didn’t stop to listen to their emotions, and that he refused to let that happen to me. He admitted we weren’t a match he would have considered on his own, but that he was willing to do whatever he could to ensure our happiness.”
“I guess I’ll have to thank him then,” Wanyin sighed, as if admitting such a thing caused him physical pain. “But seriously... we’ll make it work. Maybe this’ll be the push I need to finally give in to my advisor's demands to stop being so hands on.”
“What do you mean?”
“They’ve been on my ass for years about it,” He rolled his eyes, making Jingyi giggle at the childish expression. Wanyin’s face broke out in a fond smile at the sound. He shifted their bodies so that Jingyi’s cheek was resting comfortably against his bare shoulder. “I take on far too much work - work that could easily be delegated to someone else. They’ve been pestering me about my health and my stress levels... maybe I’ll save them from experiencing early Qi deviation and go on a few more trips.”
“And at this point most of my sect heir training is coming from sitting in on meetings,” Jingyi added, his words coming out slightly slurred from how his cheek was squished. “I bet if I were to experience some Jiang sect meetings, it would be good for my education. It’s important to know how other clans handle business in order to keep good relations, right?”
“Right,” He hummed. “You’re so smart.”
“I want to give you something.” Jingyi said, suddenly sitting up. He took a moment to admire the man below him. Wanyin’s muscles were highlighted by sun kissed skin, his scars telling hundreds of stories. His hair splayed out under him creating a halo of the most beautiful black Jingyi had ever seen. While he didn’t recall being too aggressive, Wanyin’s honied skin bore marks that were beginning to hint towards the purple they both loved so much and the sight made Jingyi’s teeth ache with the urge to make more.
Even in the midst of their love making, Wanyin had been so careful to not disrespect Jingyi’s forehead ribbon. He had taken the ends of it, pressing delicate kisses to the sacred fabric, but he didn’t dare pull on it or remove it entirely.
He reached behind his head and undid the knot holding it in place. Despite being as naked as the day he was born, it wasn’t until he was holding the ribbon in his hands that he truly felt bare.
“Give me your hand.” He whispered, voice shaking the slightest bit. Wanyin’s eyes widened, his mouth dropping open as he did as he was told. With slow, deliberate movements, Jingyi carefully wrapped the ribbon around Wanyin’s wrist, making sure it was snug but not too tight, before tying it off with a perfect bow.
“Are you sure-?” His question was cut off by a kiss. Pulling back, Jingyi cupped the older man’s cheek.
“More sure than I have been of anything in my life,” He promised. “Once we wed, you’ll be given your own as a member of the inner family. We... part of our marriage ceremony is the exchanging of ribbons, after our three bows. You’d wear this one, and I would wear yours, for as long as we remain together.”
“I feel like my sour expressions would do such a beautiful ribbon disservice.”
“You don’t have to wear it on your forehead,” Jingyi chuckled. “You can wear it anyway you like. We were taught to wear ours obviously, so we can be reminded of our restraint and commitment. Senior Wei wears Hanguang-Jun’s ribbon on his wrist, like this.”
“I... I think I would tie it to my bell,” He hummed after a moment. “The YunmengJiang clarity bell is similar to the GusuLan ribbon. It’s a reminder of our loyalty, and allows us to remain level headed, even in the most pressing of situations.”
“I think that’s perfect,” if Jingyi’s heart swelled any more, it might shatter his ribs. “I think you’re perfect.”
“You’re the only person who thinks that.” Wanyin parroted what Jingyi himself had said before.
“Gods... I love you so much.” He heard himself saying. Wanyin’s smile only grew, his ears getting redder at the repeated confession.
“Let’s get you cleaned up,” He said, standing and grunting a little at how his joints cracked loudly. “There’s someone I want you to meet?”
“Huh? Who?”
“You’ll see,” Wanyin’s smile softened once more. “There’s a bath waiting for us.”
“Did you plan this?” Jingyi gasped dramatically.
“It was for me, after training,” He shook his head. “It’s just a coincidence that you decided to turn my world upside down today of all days.”
“A good upside down?”
“The best,” He promised, pressing a kiss to the crown of Jingyi’s head. “Now come on. The heating talisman on the tub only lasts for so long and we’ve been... busy for quite some time.”
“Who are we going to meet?” Jingiyi asked as Wanyin led him down an unfamiliar path. The bath had been near euphoric, but it was nothing compared to how Wanyin cleaned his body with gentle, reverent touches. It was over far too soon, but he had been promised as many baths as he could ever want in the future, which had been enough to get him out of the cooling water.
“You’ll see,” Wanyin hummed. Jingyi slowed his steps a hair when he noticed the strange expression on the other man’s face. “We’re almost there.”
He wanted to press further, but instead he held his tongue. He reached out and took Wanyin’s hand, letting their fingers lace together. The ends of his forehead ribbon peeked out from under Wanyin’s cuff, and the sight made Jingyi’s heart flutter.
Turning another corner, Lan Jingyi realized exactly where he was being led.
The Jiang Ancestral Hall was magnificent, with intricate carvings and beautiful paintings. The plaques with the names of Wanyin’s family shone in the candle light, the metal polished to the point of being able to reflect like a mirror.
Lan Jingyi knelt on one of the cushions as Wanyin took three sticks of incense and knelt beside him. The older man lit each stick, one at a time, before glancing at Jingyi.
“Mother. Father... A-Jie,” He started softly, eyes turning to three plaques in particular. The names were etched with such care, written in familiar handwriting.
Jiang Fengmian.
Yu Ziyuan.
Jiang Yanli.
“I... There’s someone I would like you to meet,” He whispered. “I know I always said I would never marry, but to everyone’s surprise I not only found someone I wish to spend the rest of my life with, but someone who wishes to spend his life with me as well.”
Wanyin reached over and took Jingyi’s hand.
“This is Lan Jingyi,” He said with a proud smile, turning back to the plaques. “He’s the sect heir of GusuLan. I bet you’d cough up blood if you could see me now, Mother. I’m the last person who you’d think would end up with a Lan- actually no, that’s a lie. The second to last person, and yet we both ended up marrying into the same family.”
He shook his head with a huff of a laugh. Jingyi couldn’t help but cover his mouth with his free hand, stifling a chuckle of his own. He liked seeing Wanyin like this - vulnerable and soft around his family. His eyes stung but he held back his tears.
“We fought tooth and fucking nail to get to this point,” He continued. “I’d... I’d like to think you’d be proud of me... I’ve raised our sect from its ashes. I proved to the whole cultivation world why the Jiang name is one to remember... We would like to wed one day. We haven’t made plans as of now, but we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. I’d like to think you’ll be watching us on that day, if you haven’t been reincarnated already...”
Wanyin trailed off, biting his bottom lip harshly. Jingyi resisted the urge to reach out and stop him, feeling it wasn’t the time or place for such an intimate gesture. Instead, he turned his attention to the plaques. He took his hand back from Wanyin in order to bow properly.
“This one is honored to meet you,” He murmured. “I swear on my life to take care of your son. I may not look it, but I’m strong and capable. I plan to spoil him within an inch of his life for the rest of our years, so please look favorably towards us.”
“I think A-Jie would have absolutely adored you,” Wanyin whispered. The confession was enough to make Jingyi’s tears finally overflow. “She was so kind and loving, but what few people realized was how fiery she could be. She would follow us out when Wei Wuxian and I would sneak away in the middle of the night under the guise of scolding us but would always join us on our misadventures. The Peacock might have realized it, later on, but we were the only ones who ever knew the only other person who could match our drinking was our own sister. Her cultivation might not have been very high, and she might have been a slight woman, but she could handle her wine with the best of them.”
“She sounds amazing.” His voice shook.
“She was,” Wanyin scrubbed his cheek with one hand. “She was the best of us... I always used to ask myself ‘what would A-Jie do?’ while raising A-Ling. I-I just wanted to do right by him. I wanted him to grow strong and brave but was so terrified of ruining him, just as I was ruined as a child.”
“She’d be proud of you,” Jingyi knew it for a fact. “Proud of how you raised her son, and how you lead your sect.”
“You think?”
“I really do.”
“Thank you...”
“Anything for you.” He whispered, and they both knew it was the truth.
“A-Jie, you’d never guess how we fell in love,” Wanyin chuckled, turning his attention back to the plaque bearing his sister’s name. “Though I feel you’d find it fitting - it all started with my dumbass getting cursed right here in Lotus Pier...”
Lan Jingyi listened to Wanyin recount their story to his sister, his eyes never leaving the older man’s face.
By the time the incense was long cold and Jingyi’s legs were numb from kneeling, it was pitch black outside the Ancestral Hall.
“It’s far past supper,” Wanyin noted. “I’ll send for something to be brought to our room.”
“Our room,” Jingyi tasted the words on his tongue before beaming at the older man. “I like that.”
“What’s mine is yours,” Wanyin swore. “Anything you could want, I’ll give it to you.”
“I’ll hold you to that, Sect Leader Jiang.”
“Again with the sect leader shit...” Wanyin shook his head. Jingyi grinned, preparing to tease the only man only to shriek as he found himself being hoisted into the air. “I guess I’m going to have to teach you a lesson.”
“Mercy! Have mercy on me!” Jingyi cried out, laughing the entire way back to their chambers.
“Young Master Lan, there’s... something waiting for you.” The disciple said, trying to hold something back. Lan Jingyi wasn’t sure exactly what, but he had a sinking feeling he knew at least partially.
“Don’t tell me...” He trailed off with exasperation.
“It’s in the stables.”
“Gods above,” He pinched the bridge of his nose before sighing. “Thank you... I’ll head there now.”
With determined steps he changed his course and made a beeline for the stables. If his feeling was right, he was going to have to send yet another strongly worded letter to a particular someone.
“Young Master Lan!” The stablehand cried when he saw the sect heir approaching.
“Please don’t tell me it’s what I think it is.” Jingyi all but begged, but the shit-eating grin on the younger man’s face was enough to explain everything.
“It’s over here.” The stablehand said, leading Jingyi to one of the stalls.
“What could it possibly be- no fucking way...” He gasped, his eyes widening in horror.
There, standing in the stall, was the most regal horse he had ever laid eyes on. She was white as pure snow with a mane long enough to put the GusuLan steeds to shame. Her mane had been braided with intricate designs, purple ties holding the hair in place. She looked at him with intelligent eyes, leaning her massive head forward to nudge at his shoulder gently.
“A spiritual steed,” Lan Sizhui’s voice made him jump. “He’s really outdone himself with this one.”
“I told him no more courting gifts!” Jingyi cried, throwing his arms in the air. “I made him promise and everything! It’s good to know how true his word really is-”
“What if I said this wasn’t a courting gift?” A familiar voice made Jingyi spin around.
His feet were moving before he even registered what was happening. He threw his arms around his beloved’s neck, clinging to him tightly. Jiang Wanyin laughed brightly as he hugged Jingyi back, burying his face in the younger man’s neck and soaking up his betrothed’s comforting warmth.
“When did you get here?” Jingyi demanded, not pulling away from the embrace even a hair.
“Just now,” Wanyin promised, pressing a kiss to Jingyi’s cheek. “I needed to see your reaction.”
“If it’s not a courting gift, what in the world is it?” He demanded, finally stepping back from the embrace but keeping his hand on Wanyin’s arm.
“Call it peace of mind,” He hummed, reaching out to place a hand on the horse’s snout. “I’ll sleep better at night knowing you have her in case of an emergency.”
“It’s too much,” Jingyi whined, tugging on Wanyin’s sleeve. “Spiritual companions cost their weight in gold!”
“Let’s just say I had a little help obtaining her.” Wanyin hummed cryptically. Jingyi narrowed his eyes at him for a moment before gasping in betrayal.
“I’m gonna kill Jin Ling next time I see him,” He growled. “Sworn brother my ass! He’s dead to me.”
“Don’t be so harsh,” Wanyin laughed at the younger man’s distress. “He was the one who suggested it in the first place. You’re to be Sect Leader Lan one day - you’re going to need a steed worthy of your majesty.”
“What’s her name?”
“That’s up to you.”
“Ah, that’s so much pressure,” He sighed. “Give me a few days. It needs to be perfect.”
“Anything you pick will be perfect.” He assured the younger man.
“Don’t say that,” Sizhui sighed. “He unfortunately inherited the Lan’s ability to name things as well. He might name the poor beast Snowflake or Pearl.”
“I resent that accusation.” Jingyi huffed, only dropping his faux disgruntlement when Wanyin pulled him in for a deep kiss. He held the younger man by the waist, dipping him backwards as Jingyi’s arms came up to rest around his neck.
“You’re as bad as Baba and Father,” Sizhui shook his head. “I’ll busy myself elsewhere, I suppose... should I tell the others that you’re indisposed for the rest of the day?”
“Please do,” Jingyi said, breaking from the kiss just long enough to shoot his friend a grateful smile. “I’ll owe you.”
“I’ll add it to the mountain of debt you have towards me.” Sizhui returned the smile before turning to leave.
“And then there were two.” Jingyi murmured against Wanyin’s lips.
“Whatever shall we do, now that we’ve been left alone?” Wanyin teased, pecking his love quickly.
“You know, I was wondering why a stack of silencing talismans mysteriously found their way to my doorstep this morning,” Jingyi mused playfully. His stomach knotted at the way Wanyin’s eyes darkened. “It would be a dishonor to whoever supplied them for such a gift to go unused...”
“A dishonor indeed...” He kissed Jingyi again.
“We should fix that immediately.” Another kiss.
“We should.” Another.
“It’s only fair.” Another kiss.
“It’s only fair indeed.” Another.
And if the stablehand needed to make an excuse to keep people away for a short while? That was between himself and the lovely bribe sent to him from the sect heir.
Notes:
I can't believe it's officially over 🥲🥲🥲 this was supposed to be a quick fic to get me back into writing for MDZS but it ended up being one of my absolute favorites for the fandom that I've ever written. It's such a niche pairing but they mean so much to me and the way they wrote themselves in this story became so personal to me. It's like saying goodbye to my close friends 😭
I have another fic in mind, but it might take me a few days before I can gather the will to start something new now that this is over. I didn't realize how much of my soul I was putting into each sentence until I wrote the final one. Part of me wanted to keep going and going but I knew I couldn't. I'm just so happy they got their happily ever after 🥲 they deserve it more than anyone
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Tata_koyamarried on Chapter 1 Wed 02 Jul 2025 05:58PM UTC
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CloudArcher on Chapter 6 Mon 06 Jan 2025 06:03PM UTC
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CloudArcher on Chapter 7 Tue 07 Jan 2025 04:49PM UTC
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Hwodoyouchooseausername on Chapter 7 Wed 12 Feb 2025 09:12PM UTC
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CloudArcher on Chapter 9 Thu 09 Jan 2025 07:45PM UTC
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Vikingheart on Chapter 11 Mon 20 Jan 2025 06:27PM UTC
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Vikingheart on Chapter 12 Tue 21 Jan 2025 09:29PM UTC
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VeetVoojagig on Chapter 12 Tue 21 Jan 2025 09:30PM UTC
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Tata_koyamarried on Chapter 12 Fri 04 Jul 2025 08:44AM UTC
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VeetVoojagig on Chapter 13 Sat 25 Jan 2025 05:47AM UTC
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