Chapter Text
The episode opens with a shot of a prison, with Chef walking down its halls. Multiple cells and prisoners are shown one by one while the camera pans to the right. These include the Psycho Killer, the Eskimo from Haute Campture, and lastly, Chris McLean.
"The Crusty Cockroaches have a big lead over the Soiled Stinkbugs!" Chris McLean narrates, to the frustration of a nearby inmate.
"Cram it, McLean!" The inmate shouts.
Unfortunately, Chris McLean is too invested in his own delusion to listen. He keeps going, "Ooh! Lightning slips past Duncan - the heat is on! Yeah, look at that! That's what I'm talking about!". Chef Hatchet then approaches Chris's cell, at which point Chris finally snaps out of his fantasy. "Well, well, well, look who finally came to visit me after a whole year!"
"Come on," Chef groans, "you've finished your sentence for dumping toxic waste."
"Whatever!" Chris replies, "Think I'll stay right here. Got everything I need, including Chef! I made him from a cashew." Chris sees something in Chef's hand, and stops talking. "What's this?"
"Your contract. The producers have green lit another season. So, you in?"
A maniacal smile emerges on Chris's face, "It is on!"
- Intro -
The intro starts with a series of cameras emerging on the Island, now (mostly) free of toxic waste. A clapboard claps down.
Dear mom and dad, I'm doin' fine
The camera zooms past Chris on an unnecessarily elaborate chair and towards the 1000-foot cliff.
You guys are on my mind
The camera zooms down the cliff into the waters below.
You asked me what I wanted to be
Cut to Dawn, somehow meditating underwater. She gets interrupted when Lightning cannonballs into the water, knocking her out of her solitude.
And now I think the answer is plain to see
Sierra photographs the incident, only for Scott to swerve by on a Jetski as Fang the Shark pursues him, ramming into Sierra's raft to send her flying.
I wanna be
Cameron is seen working on an invention.
Famous
Sierra then falls on top of the invention, breaking it.
I wanna live close to the sun
The Drama Machine is trying to do the tango with Heather, much to her confusion, but it messes up, causing Heather to fall down near a waterfall.
Come pack your bags, 'cuz I've already won
Harold is doing Karate on a log in front of the waterfall. As he does a finishing move, he accidentally kicks Heather in the chest as she's falling.
Everything to prove, nothing in my way
Heather lands on top of Courtney. Gwen walks towards Courtney trying to help her, but Duncan just starts cackling. Gwen gives him a frustrated look.
I'll get there one day
The camera zooms into the Cafeteria, as Chef makes a half-decent looking pancake. Mike and Zoey look at the pancake with glee.
'Cuz I wanna be
Owen, now in an intern uniform, runs up and eats the pancake whole.
Famous
Mal takes control of Mike for a moment, and flips the table over in frustration as Zoey slides away a bit. Mike then regains control and looks at the camera, perplexed.
Na na na na na na na
The camera moves to the beach where Lindsay is doing her hair.
Na na na na na, na na na na na
Brick and Jo are having a footrace on the beach.
I wanna be, I wanna be
Brick manages to cross a line in the sand, as Leshawna holds up a flag with Brick's face on it to declare him the winner.
I Wanna Be Famous!
Jo stomps on the sand in anger.
I wanna be, I wanna be
Suddenly, Izzy jumps out of the sand with a drill, scaring all three of them off.
I Wanna Be Famous!
The camera turns up towards the sky, as day turns to night. The camera then shifts to a view of Duncan trying to get a kiss from Gwen, who seems a bit reluctant. Sierra interrupts, photographing them.
(Whistling)
The camera zooms out to show all 18 campers on their seats by the campfire, with the season logo on an arch in front of the campfire.
- Intro End -
"And a one, and a two, and a-" Chris says to the cameraman. The camera then turns on to reveal Chris in a helicopter. "Welcome back, viewers! It's been a while since you've last seen me. Don't worry, I was just on vacation!" Chris lies. "A little detoxification after a whole season filled with toxic waste never hurt anybody, but the toxic waste sure did! Heh heh! Anyways, to recap, we've been on an island, we've been at the movies, we've been around the world, we've even been exposed to hazardous waste! But it's hard to keep being original with these season ideas, which is why I'm not going to be. That's right, we're doing a rehash, or as I'd like to call it... an All-Stars season! I call it… Total. Drama. All-Stars!” Chris pauses a moment and frowns. “Hey, can somebody here edit that to make it sound more dramatic? That’d be much appreciated right now!”
The camera cuts to a view of Camp Wawanakwa, as Chris continues his monologue. "As you can see, we've cleaned out all the toxic waste from Camp Wawanakwa. You know, for legal reasons that even I can't argue against. I've also brought back 18 of your favorite campers from throughout this show's history. Alrighty, Chef, show the audience the cast!"
Chef groans but obliges, "Alright, I'll get 'em. 'Least I'm getting paid for this."
"From Season 4..." Chris begins, starting what will likely be a list. "We've got multiple Mike!" Chef then grabs Mike and tosses him off the helicopter into the water.
"You darn kids always reduce me to an extra!" Chester yells. He coughs a bit when he lands in the water.
"Mike's crush gone commando, Zoey!"
"Please don't phrase it like that, there's kids watching!" Zoey complains.
"Smart-less sports superstar, L-" Chris begins to say, only to get cut off.
"Sha-Lightning!" Lightning, ahem, Sha-Lightning interrupts.
"Whatever, moving on." Chris mumbles as Lightning falls into the waters below.
"Trash-talking tomboy, Jo!"
"Watch what you say, McLoon," Jo taunts, "I don't let go of insults easy."
"Bubble boy brainiac, Cameron!"
"Chris, this helicopter has far too little area to fit 18 contestants. You can't- aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Cameron attempts to argue before screaming as he falls.
"Yeah, what he said." Chris replies. "That's why I had to attach some of the seats to the ceiling. Speaking of which, we got the trouser-wetting trooper, Brick!"
Chef unties Brick from the ceiling and tosses him out the helicopter, after which Brick repeats, "Worse than bootcamp, worse than bootcamp, worse than bootcamp!"
"Fish feuding farmboy, Scott!"
"F-f-Fang? Where is he? Don't let him near me!" Scott pleads as he plummets.
"Lightning's got ya, dude!" Lightning says, catching Scott so he doesn't fall into the water. "I'll take you to the beach so that Sha-shark can't hurt you."
"Thanks." Scott replies, breathing a sigh of relief. "Why are you helping me?"
"Just being a team player, you know." Lightning responds. "Can't win a game with a dead teammate, can’t even play one in the first place!”
"Boring!" Chris groans. "Brought back by popular demand, and wrapping up our Season 4 returnees, we have the mind reading moonchild, Dawn!"
"I am relieved to hear that no more animals are being exposed to toxic waste." Dawn says calmly. She is completely unphased by sitting upside down in the chopper. "However, I have a question. Chris, what happened to the mutated creatures of Wawanakwa. Surely you didn't..."
"No no, don't worry Dawn, I just relocated them off the island." Chris assures her.
"Hmm..." Dawn mumbles, looking deep into Chris's eyes. "You aren't lying. That's good to know." Dawn then willingly steps off the helicopter and goes into the water.
"Phew." Chris sighs. "Now that that's taken care of, let's get to our Season 1 returnees! First off, there's our favorite complainer-in-training, Courtney!"
"Unhand me!" Courtney yells, flailing about. Chef then drops her off the chopper. "Not like that!"
"Courtney's former friend turned boyfriend kisser, Gwen!"
"I didn't want for any of that to happen!" shouts Gwen. Courtney gives her a repulsed look the moment she hits the water.
"As if!" Courtney mutters to herself.
"Brooding bad boy, Duncan!"
"Oh great, another season with Princess? I'd rather watch Care Bears than deal with her." Duncan complains.
"Freaky fugitive, Izzy!"
"Explosivo wishes there was still radiation on the island." Izzy, or rather, 'explosivo', chuckles. "Then explosivo could make a nuke, and the whole island would go boom-boom! Hahahahaha!"
"Yep. Still insane." Duncan remarks.
“Not like I expected any less of her.” Gwen jokes.
Courtney approaches Gwen with a cruel look on her face. “Somehow, she’s only the second most insane girl here!”
“Hey! Watch it!” Duncan yells.
"Foolish fashionista, Lindsay!"
"Do I really have to do this again?" Lindsay asks.
"Whaddaya think?" Chef says with a lot of frustration.
"Okay, like, I get it!" Lindsay says to avoid annoying Chef anymore.
"Stalkerlicious Superfan, Sierra!"
"I remember, Noah said that back in World Tour, episode 13, right?" Sierra says extremely fast. "Oh, also, you said this was Season 1 contestants, and I wasn't in, but I was in the show before Revenge, so I guess I'm an OG? Wow, being an OG Total Drama contestant is so cool to think about! I really just-"
"We have a schedule, Sierra! Chef, kick her down already." Chris yells, to which Chef immediately responds by doing just that.
"Ok, to make up for lost time, I'll go through these last few campers rapid-fire!" Chris exclaims to the audience. "Weeb warrior Harold, Sassy sister Leshawna, and balding-by-16 Heather!"
"You see, viewers, Chris is being very meta right now, because we do have a schedule to abide by-" Harold explains in his best attempt at a commentary voice.
"Not now, Harold." Leshawna interjects. "We're kind of in the middle of falling right now!"
"We've all been in worse falls before!" Heather shouts. "Like the one in Japan, you know, the one you caused, Harold!"
"It was for a good cause, Heather-chan. Cultural appropriation is something we ought to pursue in life, regardless of where we-" Harold responds, only to be cut off by hitting the water.
"Finally, we've got the master manipulator, the almighty antagonist... Ezekiel!" Chris exclaims. Everyone gasps in shock. "Just kidding! No way is that guy coming back!" Ezekiel then crawls into view in the helicopter, only to get thrown far away by the Drama Machine. Chris then remembers something important. "Oh, forgot about one more thing. Owen didn't get the memo about the new season in time... but he wanted to join so badly, so I made him an intern!"
"WOOOHOOOO!" Owen cheers. "Great to see you guys again! I can't wait to get this party started! W-woah-AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Owen suddenly loses his balance and plummets off of the Helicopter, cannonballing down with enough force to produce a wave carrying all of the campers to shore.
"While they're getting used to Wawanakwa again, it's time for a commercial break!" Chris says directly to the camera.
< AD BREAK >
“Welcome back, boys and girls!” Chris announces as the commercial break ends. “Let’s check in on our campers. Wonder if any of them even managed to stand up by now, heh heh!”
Heather pulls her head out of the beach, her hair now fully regrown and tied into a long ponytail. “Pfft!” she spits out some sand, “Really? Is this how Chris is gonna treat me now? Introducing me by dropping me into a lake and shoving sand in my face?” Heather looks around at her fellow campers, or in other words, her enemies. Someone was clearly missing from the cast. “Where is Alejandro anyway?” she asked.
“Awww,” Lindsay teases, “is someone missing her honey bunny?” She’s clearly having fun saying this.
“Heck no, Lindsay!” Heather defends, “I just mean that he’s a glaring exclusion. At least Owen has the excuse of not knowing about the season on time. There’s no way Al would’ve stepped down from a competition… total show-off.”
CONFESSIONAL: LINDSAY
“Oh, like, come on…” Lindsay says, baffled, “does she really think I’ll believe Aless… Alejandro- yay, I got it right! Sorry, what was I saying? Oh, right, does she really think I’ll believe Alejandro and her didn’t kiss? We all saw it with our own eyes. Even I can’t be tricked that easily!”
CONFESSIONAL END
“Rrrgh… Alejandro, that weasel!” Courtney groans, overhearing Heather’s words. She punches the sand in a frenzy just thinking about him. “I go through Gwen-sanity and he said he was on my side. He said I was special to him, he said I was beautiful. ALL OF IT, IT WAS ALL JUST A LIE! He never loved me, it was all just some puppet show to him. He picked Heather, that traitor, over me? Why???” Courtney sniffles a bit, then wipes her face and goes back to beating up sand. Gwen sees this and turns to Duncan.
“Hey, Duncan?” Gwen asks quietly.
“What’s up, Pasty?” Duncan responds. “Ooh, got a bit of sand in your hair right… there. Got it out.” He reaches his hand into her hair and brushes out a patch of sand wedged inside.
“Thanks. I just think Courtney looks bad right now. I know neither of us like her, and she really doesn’t like me, but it feels wrong to see her like this.”
Duncan dismisses her concerns, “Look, Courtney’s just too stuck-up in her ways, trying to make her feel better is just going to bring you down to her level.”
“Alright.” Gwen sighs.
Meanwhile, Zoey’s also curious about Alejandro’s whereabouts. “Hey Mike?” She asks, “Do you remember what happened to Alejandro at the Season 3 finale?”
“To be honest, I’m not sure. Maybe someone from the older cast could do some digging…” Mike begins to say.
“Aye, did someone say digging? This sounds like a bloody good job for me!” Manitoba Smith says, fronting upon hearing the word ‘digging’. “Oh, uh, sorry lass, got confused about what kinda’ digging he was talking about.”
“It’s fine, Manitoba.” Zoey replies, chuckling a bit at the misinterpretation.
“Alright, I’m getting real confused right now,” Leshawna says, “what’s going on?”
“Oh, it’s quite simple,” Sierra interjects, “Mike’s got a case of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Essentially, Mike has several personalities which can switch based on various circumstances. Manitoba is one of his alters, the others are Svetlana, Vito, Chester, an-”
“Ok, I think I get it now.” Leshawna responds, possibly to get Sierra to stop rambling.
CONFESSIONAL: MIKE
“Ok, Sierra is way more uncomfortable when you’re actually next to her. How does she know all of our names?” Mike ponders.
“That’s simple.” Chester explains. “It’s all ‘cause of the internest! All our personal info keeps getting tracked by those corporations!”
“Actually, it is called ze internet.” Svetlana corrects Chester. She then adds, “Perhaps it’s because she watches ze show a lot?”
“Yeah, but… with what that lady was gunna say before she got interrupted…” Vito asks, shuddering a bit, “does she know about M-”
CONFESSIONAL END
CONFESSIONAL: OWEN
“Al? Hellooo, come out, Al!” Owen calls out from outside the confessional. “Here, Al, Al Al, Owen’s got a present for you if you just come here right now, Al! Oh hi there Mr. Robot! What do you… AAH! ROBOT ATTACK!” Owen’s footsteps are audibly heard, alongside metallic clanking which gets quieter and more distant until the camera cuts off.
CONFESSIONAL END
The camera cuts to all 17 campers standing near the cabins. Chris is explaining something. “Now that you’re all here, it’s time to decide on the teams. This season, I wanted to make a theme based on Heroes going against Villains, but then I realized that many of you guys fall somewhere in the middle, so I had to do something different.”
“Are we going to do 9 teams of 2 then?” Lindsay asks.
“Yeah, no. Instead, we’re gonna have 3 teams of 6!” Chris exclaims. “Brick, Lindsay, Zoey, Dawn, Mike, and Courtney… you guys will be the Heroic Hamsters!”
“Wait, but that means we’re not gonna be on the same team!” Cameron realizes.
“It’s ok, Cam.” Zoey comforts him. “You can do this. You made it to the end of last season, you outlasted both me and Mike. I know you can do well on another team, so don’t worry. We’ll miss you!”
“Next up… Duncan, Heather, Scott, Lightning, and Gwen… you are the Villainous Vultures!”
“What? Why am I on this team? I’m not on the same level as Heather, right?” Gwen asks, completely surprised.
“It’s because YOU stole my-” Courtney begins to say.
“It’s because I knew that if I didn’t make you a villain, Courtney would start suing me again. I had to make room for her on the Heroes team, so I moved Cameron onto team 3.” Chris justifies.
Duncan tries to cheer Gwen up. “It could be worse, Pasty. At least you have me on your team.”
“Speaking of team 3… Leshawna, Izzy, Cameron, Jo, Sierra, and Harold… you are henceforth known as the Neutral Narwhals!”
“Ah, narwhals… the Jedi of the sea!” Harold begins to narrate. “They were the inventors of the the Shish-Kebab, as a matter of fact.”
“Blah blah, whales with tusks, hahaha!” Izzy says to stop Harold from doing an inaccurate nature documentary for 3 hours straight.
“Wait just one second, Chris,” Heather argues, walking up to Chris, “this isn’t 3 teams of 6. We only have 5 members!”
“Oof, big whoopsie on my part.” Chris says, shrugging. “I used up the 18th seat on the plane for that Ezekiel prank. Here…” he gestures to the Drama Machine, “you can have this robot.”
The Drama Machine approaches Heather, who tries to push it away. “Get away from me, Toaster!” She shouts. The machine’s weird bar mouth thing goes into the red.
“You have 30 minutes to change into your swimsuits for our first challenge. Now get to it!” Chris announces. “Meet me at the base of the 1000 foot cliff!”
The camera cuts to Chris, waiting near the cliff on a sort of lifeguard tower. “You’ve seen our contestants, you’ve seen our teams, you haven’t seen Alejandro. Or have you? Heh heh! Tune in later for the first challenge of Total. Drama. All-Stars!”