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Till couldn’t sleep. This wouldn’t be anything new, as he spent most nights up for hours, either because of bad dreams, trying to use his time for art, or simply out of habit.
But tonight, he would very much rather be asleep. What was keeping him up was guilt.
He turned around and around under the sheets, trying to keep his eyes shut. He couldn’t take it out of his head.
The bright orange sky, laughing and the feeling of a hand holding his, guiding him. The pained look as he let go. The silence when he turned around. The wind on his face. The white walls of the facility he has been kept in for now ten years.
And Ivan’s smile when he came back behind him.
Till couldn’t understand. Why didn’t he just leave for good?
After a few hours, or minutes, Till couldn’t really tell, he gave up. He wasn’t going to fall asleep, nor was he going to find out why Ivan was there just by thinking about it over and over again.
He got up.
—
Ivan wasn’t asleep. He wasn’t quite awake, either. He was just staring at the ceiling, so lost in thought he didn't hear Till approaching until he fully opened the door and walked inside of Ivan's room.
He then looked at him, and for a brief second, Till was able to see something behind his eyes. Surprise, mostly. Disbelief, maybe.
Fuck, he thought. He really must hate me now.
But then Ivan smiled. It wasn't a real smile, after so many years Till had managed to identify when Ivan was genuinely happy, and when he was just pretending. It was hard to tell, in fact, most people would have genuinely bought the lie that Ivan was completely unaffected by what happened that night. As if nothing had happened at all.
But Till knew. And he wasn't going to let him get away with it.
“Oh, hello, Till-”
“Why are you here?”
Ivan blinked, but his smile didn't falter.
“Hmm?”
“Why did you come back? Why didn't you… why aren't you…” Till looked down. “You should be free.”
Ivan’s face was now serene, no longer smiling, but not upset at all.
“I wouldn't have been free.”
“What do you mean!? You could have left, you should have left me behind.”
Now Ivan looked away from him.
“Ivan, please. Maybe you even still have a chance, you shouldn't be here, I-”
“Till.” Ivan’s tone was serious, yet his face was as calm and neutral as if they were discussing tomorrow's lunch. “I'm not going to leave.”
“Why?! What did you come back for- for,” Till felt like he was going to cry. “Why did you come back for me?” He whispered.
Ivan stared at him. He had a staring problem, Till always told him. He wouldn't stop looking at him with his big dark eyes and creep the shit out of Till.
Right now, Till wasn’t creeped out. He was just desperate.
“I thought you'd understand. I'm guessing the reason you came back yourself was a similar one.”
Till looked away. He wasn't sure why he had come back. He was… he couldn't just leave everything behind. He couldn't leave Mizi to get killed in a few years.
He couldn't go outside without knowing what was out there.
He couldn't bear it to not find Io again. To find out she had died. He couldn't bear it to be trapped once again, forced to go through what she had. He couldn't. He couldn't.
Was that why Ivan had come back? Was he also afraid of what he'd find if he left?
“I… I don't know.” Till said.
Ivan seemed a bit annoyed, but kept his voice calm and polite. Like when he talks to the segyein, Till thought.
“Till, I understand. You didn't want to leave Mizi behind, and that's completely okay. She means a lot to you, and you…” his eyebrows furrowed slightly, before coming back to normal, “You wouldn't have been free without her.”
Till looked away. No, Ivan didn't understand. Of course he cared about Mizi, and of course he didn't want to leave her here. But that… that wasn't it.
“Ivan. You're avoiding my question.” A bit hypocritical of him, changing the subject to not have to think about it anymore. But he did want to know why Ivan hadn't taken the chance. Why was Ivan still here?
Ivan smiled again. Till wanted to punch him in the mouth. “Well, as I said, I had similar reasons.”
Till didn't understand. What was he talking about?
“Be specific, fucking hell.”
Ivan looked at him, and Till didn't know if it had been just a trick of the dim light coming from the door's window into the dark room, or if Ivan's eyes were watery. “You wouldn't have been free without Mizi.”
Till waited a second for him to continue, but Ivan didn't add anything else. Till wanted to yell, but he knew that wouldn’t get them anywhere. So he swallowed, and repeated his question.
“Why did you come back for me?”
Till knew, at this point. He wasn’t stupid. But he needed Ivan to say it. He needed to hear it, or he’d go insane.
“I wouldn’t have been free without you, either.”
Till didn’t understand. He heard him, but he didn’t get it. Why him? He knew he and Ivan were friends, he appreciated him a lot, even if they didn’t always get along. Even if Ivan was an asshole and an annoying prick sometimes. But Till never understood why he chose to spend his time with him, even if it was only to be a bother. Almost all of the other people in Anakt loved Ivan, why be with the pathetic kid who wasn’t even capable of escaping this hell when he had the chance?
“I’m sorry.” Till said instead. “I didn’t want this to happen. I was- I…”
“It’s okay.” Ivan smiled again.
“No, it's not. It’s not okay, Ivan! If I were in your position I would have never looked back!”
“I know.”
Till let out an exasperated sigh. “I don’t mean it like that! It’s not that I don’t care about you- it’s just that I don’t deserve for you to have come back!
“Of course you do.”
“This isn’t funny.”
“I’m not being sarcastic,” Ivan’s eyes were softer this time. “I don’t have the right to leave you here, the same way I don’t have the right to force you to come with me. It was foolish to think you would have left her here, too.”
“I didn’t come back just for her.”
Ivan huffed.
“I’m serious. You- you don’t get it.”
“What do I not get?”
“I…” Till closed his eyes. He couldn’t. He couldn’t say it.
Ivan seemed to see something was off, though, as he got closer to Till. He didn’t touch him until the latter rested his head against him.
Ivan tensed for a second, before resting his hand on Till’s back.
“I’m sorry.” Till said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do it.”
Ivan just hummed as a response.
“I mean it. I ruined it for both of us. I shouldn’t have-”
Ivan moved his hand to the back of Till’s head.
Till couldn’t help but let out a sob. They stood there, for Anakt knows how long, with Ivan running his hand through Till’s hair while he cried, until Till got embarrassed enough to pull away.
“You should hate me.” He said, after a moment of them standing in front of the other.
“I don’t hate you.”
“You should.”
“I will never hate you, Till.”
Till didn’t know if he’d ever understand what on earth was wrong with Ivan. But he would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a weight off his shoulders at hearing those words.
A minute passed, and Till sighed.
“I’m tired,” he said. “I should probably sleep.”
“Okay. Goodni-”
“Can I stay here for the night?” he blurted out, not even caring about what he was saying.
Ivan blinked at him.
“I don’t- I don’t think I will be able to sleep otherwise.”
Ivan nodded, slowly.
After just a few minutes, exhausted, Till fell asleep with his back to Ivan’s.