Get Hell Soon (Another 'Hazbin' Sick Fic)

by M0ralMxJMEME

Summary:

*Please read notes before all chapters*

Velvette and Valentino try to help Vox out of a funk with footage from Hazbin Hotel, which is dwindling from remnants of the Douche Flu.

Notes:

Hi all, welcome to my third "Hazbin" fic! First off, thanks to RipleyToo for giving me the idea for a full sick Vox fic, and kitty5327 for a suggestion for sick Lucifer, Alastor and Vaggie. Here's some queer and ace content you didn't know you needed, have fun!

Also, trigger warning for sexism and fatphobia in this chapter.

Chapter 1: Vox in a Box

Summary:

Vox loses his edge.

Notes:

Welcome once again! I hope my Vox loving readers enjoy this shark coded disaster. Vox Stan or not, have fun!

Vox sat in bed, watching the rain from his apartment window. He was still having leftover symptoms of the Douche Flu, sniffling and coughing. However these side effects were menial and could be mistaken for allergies. But a more aggressive virus was taking hold... depression. He jumped as someone knocked on the door. “Jesus!”

“Jesus yourself, telecito!” Valentino pursed his lips as he walked in. “I didn’t even knock that loud, pussy!” 

“Yeah, hello to you too, honey.” Vox curled up and pouted, eyes in a squint. He glanced at the clock on the wall, agitated. “The fuck are you doing home this early anyway?”

“Well, I brought you some surprise Chinese, but if you’re gonna be a little bitch-”

“No! I’m sorry, Val, please bring it here!” Valentino grinned. “That’s what I thought you said, amorcito. I’ll get us some bowls.” As he walked out he muttered loud enough for Vox to hear, “Ungrateful bitch." 

“I know you said that loud on purpose, fucker!" 

“Yup, fuck you. What are you gonna do about it?" Now Vox was pouting even harder, arms crossed, legs tucked tightly enough for him to resemble a garlic knot. He wanted to look threatening to Val when he came back, smiling cruelly at the idea. 

 

He fell asleep immediately instead.

 

Valentino came back immediately. “Ven y consíguelo! Huh?" He saw Vox asleep, wheezing as he snored. Aw. Voxxy still has his cute little cold snore. He looked at him with love. But, I didn't buy this food and transfer it so this ungrateful coño could nap. He put the bowl down hard on purpose. Vox just snorted, coughed and rolled over. Val's typical temper was emerging. Thought that’d wake him up! He rolled his eyes. “VOX! WAKE UP!” He shook him violently. "Ahh! Valentino! No! Ooh, my soup. Thanks, babe." Valentino stared wide-eyed. “What?" Vox sipped his soup with a raised eyebrow. “That's it?" 

“What's it, Val?" 

“I was expecting a ‘what the fuck, Valentino?’ Or ‘you dumb cocksucker!’ Or ‘go suck the cock of one of your actors, why don't you?’”

"Satan fuck, Valentino! I said that last one once, let it go!” He rolled his eyes. "Yeah? Yeah?” Valentino literally bounced with giddiness. Vox’s verbal abuse was something he not so privately got aroused by. "Just… I'm too tired, baby. Thanks for the meal, I really appreciate it. Sit with me, and let's, I dunno, watch a movie or something.” He smiled so weakly even Charlie Morningstar wouldn't have bought it. "Let's call it a night, eh, Val?”

"Uh… sure…" He took his food and got into his side of the bed. The fuck is wrong with Vox?!...

 

The next day Valentino went to Velvette’s office. He didn't even exit the elevator to see her giving some poor schmuck the boot. “Don't cry, darling, it's not personal. And not to sound fatphobic or anything, but this piece of clothing isn't for fucking fatties. Get those fat rolls of yours under control, then we'll talk.” With a lordly wave of her hand she dismissed the poor crying woman. 

 

"Yikes,” Val muttered under his breath. Still, Velvette heard him and turned to him, though her eyes and attention were on her phone. “Did you want something or did you just come here to stare slack-jawed as I gave, or, erm, fed rather, the truth to some fugly baby?" 

“Hey. Yell at the fat bitch, not at me. I gotta talk to you." 

“We're talking right now." Boiling, he snatched her phone. "Hey! Val!”

"I wanna talk in private, dum dum.” He strolled toward her personal office. "And I'm keeping your stupid celular ‘til we're done." 

 

"So, what the shit do you want?” Velvette had her feet on her own desk. “And is Vox really not back yet?! You said he was longer contagious." 

“That's just it! Something's up with him. Not just the Flu. He's… fucky.”

"’Fucky?’ Don't you two bang 24/7 partly ‘cuz you're a fucking porn maker?” She filed her nails. Valentino groaned. "Not that kinda fucky, jackass! The opposite, kind of." For the first time since they started talking that day, he had her attention. “You haven't been at it? Yup, something is up." 

“Even when he was enfermo he was still the same feisty fuck who made me harder than an oak, now he's… depressing.” Velvette cocked an eyebrow. "Uh, maybe he's fucking depressed, genius?" 

“Ohhhh. Yeah, that tracks. He's got anxiety out the wazoo, I bet he's depressed after being locked in his room. He needs to be active, talking to people, or… you know.”

"He's forced to realize what an over-compensating, shrill insecure little bitch he is?”

"Yeah. That. So, whadda you think I should do?" 

“You two live together and are sort of a couple, yeah? Maybe try fucking talking to him!" 

“Oh, like pretend to leave the room and wait until he shows signs of depression when he thinks he's in private?!" 

“That's fucking healthy and not deranged. Look, no, you-" 

"Thanks anyway, Velvette! Gotta get the work!” He threw her phone on the desk and ran. She winced as the door shut loudly and grabbed her phone. “I don't give a horse’s cock." 

 

"Hey, Valentino.” Vox waved lazily as he smiled, the TV he was watching blaring. “Hey, Voxxy. If you don't mind, I gotta freshen up. I got, uh, real sweaty at work today." Vox nodded, clearly not having absorbed what Val had just said. 

 

Valentino walked down the hall and closed the bathroom door without entering and listened.

 

It took a few minutes, but he could make out a cooking show. Okay… so he ain't not not depressed.

 

Quite shortly after, he heard soft sobs. Vox?! 

 

He allowed himself a few steps, enough to discreetly see him in the door. In Valentino’s creepy spying favor, Vox was weeping into the pillow and couldn't see him at all. “For the love of Lucifer, why?" He whispered between a sob. He then flipped over and Val backed up quickly. His cries sent him into a coughing fit. 

 

That's my cue. Val pretended to open the bathroom door and entered the bedroom. “Vox?! What's the matter?!" Vox sniffled but rolled his eyes. “Bitch, you're a good director, but you ain't no actor." 

“Fair enough." Forgiving him, Val sat in bed. "C’mere, Vox.” The TV demon’s lip quivered as he sniffed for the millionth time. Still, he abided and sprawled across Val. "I suppose you want me to talk about my feelings like a pussy, huh? Or that useless princess?”

"Duh. I'm not sissy, but I don't want my telecito upset. Talk to me, baby.”

Vox took a deep breath. "Look, I've been thinking a lot stuck in bed at home, and with this stupid lingering flu sometimes waking me up at night." 

"Ah! Say no more! I know exactly what's up with you! We've been partners, in bed and business a long fuckin’ time.” Vox’s eyes widened and he gulped and shook a little. "Y-you do?" 

“Yes. You're feeling a loss of power!" 

“It's not just that, I've been questioning-" 

"No need to talk more, hun. I know what you need! Imma call Velvette now!” Val walked out of the room with his phone pressed against his ear and turned around before Vox could explain himself further. He flopped into the pillow again, eyes full of distress. “Whyyyyyy?" 

 

“Yeah. ‘Course I got an idea!" Velvette sat at her desk, grinning madly. “Finally some fucking excitement! I will need to get some stuff from Voxtech though. Yeah. See ya soon, Valentino, and consider it done! Your Sony reject will be popping more boners, horny and hate, in no time! Yes. Buh-bye.” She hung up the phone. "Fuck yes.”

 

She walked into Hazbin Hotel and expected to see Alastor up front as usual. Instead she saw Charlie and scowled. But not nauseous as always because she looked… upset? Hmm, this might actually be fun. She stood tall and walked to the front desk. “Hello, welcome to Haz- Velvette? What do you want?" Velvette was taken aback by Charlie’s apathy laced with malice. "Wise up a bit, did ya, eh, honey? But for real, where's Alastor?”

"Sick upstairs." Her eyes shimmered with new tears. “Like my probably ex girlfriend." She sniffed and frowned at Velvette. “And no, you can't talk to him. Either get out or impress me and check yerself in.” Admittedly Velvette preferred this Charlie Morningstar to the usual one, but, I will not be addressed that way by a preppy princess prick. “Look, ya don't have to be such a dick, Charlotte. I'm out. Ta!" She walked away frivolously and dumped her cup of iced coffee on the floor. "Bye-eeee!”

 

She stepped outside and dialed her. "Hey, Val. Yeah, time for plan B. Yup. Got it tonight. Bye." She hung up and walked away, smiling evilly. 

 

“This is gonna be so fucking fun." 

 

The next day she went to Val's studio. “Yo! Valentino! I planted the cameras," She whispered. “About that… Vel, Vox went back to work today." 

“What?!" She shrieked.

 

Vox, meanwhile, was about to sit at his desk. I'm back in uniform. He straightened his tie. Got my usual coffee. He put down his Roasted by Roasters Cafe cup. I'm back at my motherfucking desk. He sat down. Still, he felt nothing. Fuuuuuck.

 

Velvette and Valentino were entering the Voxtech building. “Fucking bullshit!" Velvette couldn't care less about the lobby full of people staring. Val did. “Lo sé, lo sè. But he's a Vee for a reason, isn't he?” 

"Go right in, folks,” Squeaked a nervous, shaking receptionist. They didn't thank him, but he was relieved to avoid Vee wrath.

 

“But lookit the bright side, Velvette! We might not be able to use the footage to cheer up Vox, but the concept of putting hidden cameras in Hairball Hotel? Genius! It'll be beyond useful in the long-run!" She did smile at that. “We'll leave those cameras up for a week for some useful intel! But still, I'm gonna rip Vox a new butthole." They reached their floor and the elevator door opened. “Hopefully this butthole will be less tight than the one he's got now." 

"Yeah, that thing is tight, I can hardly-”

"I don't wanna fucking know.”

 

 

Velvette practically flung Vox's office open, guns blazing. "Hey! I need to-" She and Val both paused. Vox sat miserably at his desk, hardly registering Velvette and Val’s entrance (though passing employees certainly had.) “Whoa." Velvette was for once taken by surprise. “On second thought, we could really use that footage fer his depression, Vel," Valentino whispered. Vox fell into his desk.

Chapter 2: Start at the Vee-ginning

Summary:

Velvette and Val bring Vox a special (and wildly illegal) treat to the apartment to motivate him: footage from Hazbin Hotel.

Notes:

Sorry about the wait, ladies, enbies and gentlemen, but please enjoy! Also not gonna lie, I cracked myself up with fast forwarding through Sir Pentious, I may stick with that 😂

“Hey, ready for lunch?" Velvette came into Val’s office as he was hunched over a typewriter. “Oh! Yeah, wanna trick that sushi place into giving us free shit again?" 

“Yeah! Well, if Vox isn't too queasy to have sushi yet." 

“Vox ain't come in today, pal." 

“Still?! Come the fuck on, we can't keep having unpaid interns do his shit!" 

"Well, where the fuck are those videos you were supposed to collect from Hackish Hotel?!”

"Bitch, you think editing that crap is easy?!”

"So get an unpaid intern to edit!”

"Oh yeah.”

 

Vox sat in bed, his "funk” at an all-time high. His robe has stains, takeout containers and teacups occupied his bedside table as he helped himself to an umteenth bite-size candy bar. He flipped on the TV and saw breaking news of the overlord Alastor being sick and bound to the hotel, though his condition had not been disclosed. Vox tried, willed himself, to feel an ounce of joy or spark, but it was all gone. The thought of his lapsing drive made him more depressed as he settled in for another nap.

 

A nap so long, he woke up to the sound of Val’s key unlocking the front door. He jumped up and scowled at the clock. “Fuuuuuck." He wiped his eyes and pushed a bunch of the containers into the trash. I gotta make it look like I did something, I will not have Val laugh at my messiness again! Fuckfuckfuckfuuuuck… He paused hearing not one, but, two sets ‘a heels?! The fuck?! He grinned to himself, emoting for the first time in days. Did he finally bring that Angel Dust for a threesome?! Fuck yeah! Literally! “Ugh! Smells like desperation and a lazy fuck in here." Well, Vox was pissed… and de-roused. Velvette?! Fuckin' Velvette?! How's that gonna make me happy?! Now I feel more judged than- "Vox?" Both Vees rang at once, making Vox turn his head with the utmost reluctance. “Hey… babe… and Velvette.” They all internally cringed, which of course a loudmouth like Velvette was about to announce. Knowing her mannerisms inside and out, Val ever so subtly nudged her without taking his eyes off of Vox, who rolled his eyes and groaned. “Okay, okay." He sarcastically put his hands up in defense. "Look, guys, I know an intervention when I see one, okay? So let's skip the cheesy fake shit about you caring about anything that's not regarding power and profit.” He lazily walked to the closet, zero pep in his step. “I'll go back tomorrow, okay? No more sick days used this year. I don't like it and I'm still having an identity crisis…” Velvette and Val eyed each other with confusion and horror when he turned his back. “...But I can work through it, you're right." Still showing a lack of passion, he pulled out a dry-cleaned suit. He plastered on a smile more fake than any grin he'd flashed for unwanted media. “So, how ‘bout it? I go back to work, shower, operate on autopilot and we all get spared horseshit?” 

"Satan on a skewer.” Velvette slapped her forehead. "Look, bitch, we have a surprise that will not only give you drive back, but will make you voluntarily want to return to work.” She waved a USB drive. “Sound good?" 

“‘Kay…" He backed away, uncertain. “Well, you're gonna watch it and eat it up like your viewers do your shit, so you might as well-" Val covered Velvette’s mouth. “Vox, amorcito, just give it a think while you shower!" 

“‘Cuz you need it!" Velvette held her nose. Vox groaned again. “Fine. Ain't nothing on TV anyway." As he left the room he added, “Judgemental fuckers…” 

 

Valentino waited until he heard water start to acknowledge, "My televisor needs help, Velvette! There's no fight in him!” Velvette chuckled maliciously. "There will be, don’chou worry. Now let's clean his crap up, ‘cuz this apartment became a treasure map for pathetic baby bitches…” She picked up a food container for proof. "And X really marked the spot this time! Woo.” Val nodded. "See that filled-up dick-shaped trash bin?”

"Ew! Yes.”

"I got condom garbage bags. Gimme a minute.” Before he walked out he saw her disgust and added, "Oh, grow the fuck up, Vel. All trash bags can be interpreted as condoms!”

"And yet you're in the minority if you think about it!” She wrinkled her nose in repulsion seeing the mountain of takeout she had to clean up. For the money, She reminded herself as she started to clean.

 

“So, what's on this drive that we hafta watch it in the living room?” Vox crossed his arms. "Nada. You just need to get outta that bed, Voxy.” Val kissed his head, making Vox pout more but still blush. Velvette spoke as she connected the drive to the TV: "So I took some of your cameras from VoxTech and put them around Princess Morningstar’s Happy-ass Hotel or whatever." Val could see Vox’s interest piquing. “Okay?" 

“So, we're gonna get your passion back, telecito!" Val squeezed his shoulder. Velvette grinned and joined them on the couch. “Once you see these annoying twits, you'll wanna take down this pimple of a hotel again in no time!" She turned the TV on. “Let's watch! I had some very important interns, who's names all escape me, organize the parts into the individuals at the hotel. Movie night, bitches!”

 

Charlie knocked on Pen’s door meekly. As she waited, she realized how much better she felt. Wow, I'm cured! Gosh, who knew rest and medicine actually did work? I always thought Dad was pulling my leg! I bet if- 

 

“What do you think that dumbass is thinking about?" Giggled Valentino. “She looks so fucking stupid!" Velvette put on her best Charlie voice. “She's thinking, ‘maybe I can rehabilitate this door next and try uselessly to make it and everyone else in Hell a pussy!’” Val caught Vox nearly crack a grin and decided to capitalize on it. "’Maybe my daddy issues will go away if I sing about it enough with my gang of misfit fuckfaces!’" Now Vox wanted to join in. "’Maybe Adam will join me in a three-way with me and my flat-chested girlfriend and we can all go fuck ourselves!’” He laughed heartily, emoting for once in a while. He looked between Velvette and Val and looked uncomfortable seeing they weren't laughing with him. Valentino again caught on quickly and forced a hysterical laugh, eyeing Velvette to do the same.

 

A group laugh erupted that courtesy of Vox, went on way longer than needed.

 

Finally, they unpaused Charlie's private life and Sir Pentious answered the door. “Yesss, Prince-" 

He was cut off by being fast-forwarded. 

 

“No need to listen to that lissspy, traitorousssss cunt." Velvette rolled her eyes.

 

"Hey, Sir Pentious! Morning! You look great!”

"Thank you, I-” He was skipped over again. “Lame!" Laughed Valentino.

"Well, Pen, you look fantastic! Your Bois are taking great care of you! My dad also really…”

"Can we skip over her too?! She's giving me diabetes!" Groaned Vox, flopping back dramatically. “No," Snapped Velvette. “Her misfortunes will be peak comedy. Now shut the fuck up." 

 

“Ooh, since we're both better, we can maybe later go shopping-" 

Velvette snorted. “Okay, we can skip these two cheese dildos together at least…”

 

A two minute skip late

 

“So, would you like to see Ms. Vaggie? She's still asleep, but…”

"Yes please! I just wanna see her if nothing else!”

 

She walked into the room where Vaggie was indeed, fast asleep. She looks exhausted… Genuine concern haunted Charlie's eyes. “Oh, sweetheart… what’ve I done?” She walked silently to her side. Some hair hung over her face and Charlie gently pushed it aside for her. She coughed a bit. “Whoa…” She grabbed her head. "Charlie?! What are you doing here?!” She remembered where she was along with why and sighed with annoyance. “Especially after I asked you for space?!" She softened looking at Charlie's anime eyes fading to sadness. "Look. As I told you less than twelve hours ago, I still love you, Charlie, and you're still my girlfriend. And shitty as your behavior was, it is, down the line, forgivable.” Seeing Charlie smile in relief made Vaggie fight the urge to crack her own. “But I just need space. Please, let me sleep more. I need it." 

"O-okay.” She walked slowly to the door, as if remorse was a lasso binding her to Vaggie's side. With a last glance at the door frame she admired the soft lighting on Vaggie's face. She really does resemble an angel. “Love you," She concluded softly. “Love you too," Vaggie yawned before blowing her a kiss. The door shut with Charlie on the other side, dividing them in two temporarily. 

 

Sir Pentious walked by to see her still standing at the door with a quivering lip. “Is it safe to cry audibly now?" She whispered shakily. “Better wait till you're in the shower, not that you hafta turn it on. Just sit there in a ball and cry like I do… a lot.” She nodded, starting to cry, and he patted her shoulder as she walked to his bathroom.

 

“Fucking hilarious!" Guffawed Vox. “That blond prick's anxiety is amusing!" The Vees were laughing so uproariously they had to pause the video.

 

“Ready to resume?" Val choked to Vox. “Yeah, yeah, few more seconds," Vox hardly managed. Val and Velvette smiled at each other, a look between coworkers on the same page that screamed, this is working.

 

 

They waited patiently until Vox was ready to continue…

Chapter 3: Vee You at the Movies!

Summary:

The Vees continue to spy on and judge members of the hotel in their spare time... and laugh at everyone's expense, including their own.

Notes:

I hope everybody is enjoying, this is not action-packed but I laughed my butt off writing it! Prepare for more sick fic content in future chapters, but for now here's everyone except Charlie and Lucifer being a brat! 😂

Lucifer read a newspaper in bed with a pink nose and a cough. “Ha! Fuck, I love these stupid comics!" He laughed out loud to himself. He put the paper down and wiped a tear from his eye. I can't wait to tell Pen about these later! He shook his head and smiled at the thought. Charlie came in at that moment, an old-fashioned silver cloche in hand. “Hey, Dad. I, uh, brought you some homemade oatmeal and your favorite bergamot tea!”

"Aw, thanks bunches, kid!” He smiled sweetly as she put it down next to him. "And again, I'm really sorry I got you sick.” Guilt flooded her usually happy expression. He laughed passionately. "Are you kidding, honey?! Being sick is kinda the best thing ever!”

"What?!”

"Look.” He sipped his tea. "Make no mistake; seeing you or anyone at the hotel sick has been a drag, I hate seeing Hell suffer, especially at the hands of that bitch Adam. But personally?” He added in a whisper, "I am loving this!”

"Okay, Dad, clearly you're delirious and need to sleep more. Another nap after breakfast and that's final!” She went to leave. "No! Charlie, just hear me out!” She paused. "’Kay, I'm listening." He nodded and sniffled. “Look. As much as I feel for you and everyone, really, on a personal note, this is the best! Yeah, the aches and cold suck angel ass, but I get to rest and relax for once, I don't hafta schedule my showers, meals and pee breaks, and I'm finally getting to hang out with you and see what a youthful badass you are!” She smiled too. "Wow. Thanks, Dad.”

"Aw. Why so sad still?”

"It's nothing. I don't wanna ruin your breakfast-”

"Charlotte Morningstar, what'd I just say about liking time spent with you? Talk to me.” 

"Well… okay." She sat down. “I, uh-" 

They got the fast forward treatment as well.

 

"God, even the devil himself is such a soft-ass!” Bemoaned Velvette. "Jesus, how long must this-”

"Wait! That looks interesting!” Vox was right. Rewinding, Velvette also noticed a blink-and-miss-it moment of Charlie looking oblivious and Lucifer begging her to listen to him. Val caught on and laughed too. 

 

“...Well, Charlie, I'm really sorry about your troubles with Vaggie.” Lucifer patted her back as she sat next to him crying a bit. “Thanks, Dad." She smiled with gratitude through her tears. 

 

Velvette laughed. “This is sappy as fuck, but her tears are Titian art to me!” 

“Yeah," Vox laughed but blushed with embarrassment from not understanding her Renaissance reference. 

 

“Well, I know I'm not exactly the king of relationships, kiddo, but I got to know Vaggie real well taking care ‘a you." He laughed sentimentally. She laughed uncomfortably. “Caaaan we stop laughing at what an ass pain I was-" 

 

“‘Was?’" All the Vees rang.

 

“-Last week? Especially since I apologized multiple times?" She finished the last three words through her teeth. “I'm just busting yer chops, kid. But like I was saying, she's direct, and now dedicated to being honest. She's telling you what she needs, and it's space from you." He wiped a tear from her face. "Haven't you ever needed space when you were pissed at someone?”

"Well… no." 

 

“Figures!" The Vees all rolled their eyes and rang in unison.

 

“Well, for those of us, honey, who… aren't Charlie Morningstar, need quiet away from people when we're upset. Take it from the literal devil.”

"So… you're saying I should try to cheer Vaggie up and show her I'm the best girlfriend ever?" Lucifer paused with his teacup in his hand.

 

"Here it comes,” Giggled Val.

 

"Charlie. No. Kinda the opposite, in fact!” He chuckled nervously. "Please don't-”

"Thanks, Dad! I'm gonna go do something so good for Vaggie she'll never be mad at me again!”

"Charlie, please reconsider this!" 

“Love you!" He flinched upon hearing the door shut. “Fuck on a stick." He slapped his forehead and shook his head. Then he sneezed and took a sip of tea.

 

The Vees were laughing hysterically. “Fuckin' idiots…” Vox smiled and shook his head in disbelief.

 

The video skipped to Charlie walking swiftly past Sir Pentious. “Oh! Princess! How are you-" 

 

“Fast forward!" Velvette and Val sang.

 

After a lengthy fast forward, the video cut to Charlie manically pacing around her room. There was a knock on her door, making her jump.

 

Her jittery nature made Vox laugh so hard he put himself in a coughing fit, making Val rub his back.

 

“Coming!" Charlie composed herself and answered the door.

 

Val and Velvette stared at Vox upon hearing the door knock.

 

“Why, hello, Charlotte, my good chum!" 

 

Alastor. Val casually looked at Vox. Even if he hadn't been discreet, Vox wouldn't have noticed; his face was twitching through a slightly glitchy screen. Velvette's phone rang with a notification. From Valentino: we got him!!! She turned to him and nodded, grinning.

 

“Alastor! Hi!” She waved nervously but paused. He was somehow paler than usual, other than a red nose. Like Dad has! There were bags under his eyes. He looked like Lucifer, but he, of course, was too proper to sniffle or cough. “Charlie! I regret to inform you of my ailment.”

 

Valentino and Velvette shamelessly stared at Vox's reaction, knowing he was engulfed beyond being in the same universe as them. Seeing even a sliver of Alastor's misfortune must have sparked something positive, as his screen stopped glitching and had a cruel smile across it. Val noted the grin didn't have its usual potential in it, but it was a great starting point. Of course! Mi telecito is fueled by his hate boner for that stupid-ass deer! He relaxed in his seat, knowing the footage would take this Vox crisis from here. 

 

“Alastor! You're sick! Oh, gosh…”

“Ha. Indubitably, dear. How astute of you for noticing." His head tilted and his voice lightened, a classic and unsubtle way of indicating his condescension. Charlie just rolled her eyes, her patience thin from her made-up stress. She gasped. “Oh no! Alastor, it's not-" 

"The Flu? Thankfully, no.”

 

 

“DAMMIT!" Vox had an outburst that even shocked the other Vees.

 

“...But it does appear to be a head cold, and golly, I'm exhausted.”

"Aw, Alastor… I'm sorry." 

“Me as we-" He cut himself off with a violent coughing fit that made Charlie's face force itself to smile.

 

Vox at least enjoyed this much.

 

“So, I take it you want the day off?" Charlie was visibly disappointed. Alastor grabbed her shoulder. “My dear princess, no!" 

“But Alastor, you can't-"

“I have to take off, but I don't wish to!" She chuckled with transparent agitation. "Cuuuute. Rest up, Alastor. I've got a plan anyway. Sort of." She resumed pacing. “Oh? Might I inquire?" 

"I'm trying to plan an apology for Vaggie! It can't just be a stupid card or something, I need the best gift for the best lady friend!” She gesticulated violently, making Alastor flinch.

 

“Fucking lunatic…” Velvette mimed gagging then laughed harshly.

 

"An above and beyond gift for an introvert who's begged you to leave her alone for days? Genius.” Charlie failed to understand the sarcasm. "I know, right?” She grinned. "Charlie, this is clearly a stupid, impulsive idea. I was being-”

"Can't understand you through your nasally voice. Please, go rest up! We both need privacy right now!” He shrugged, scarcely caring to begin with. "Well… good luck, pal of mine." He exited, coughing.

 

"Smug cunt,” Growled Vox, his gravelly voice inviting a cough from his still irritated throat.

 

"Bye! I'll check on you later, Alastor, feel better!" Charlie of course did care deeply about her sick friend but was also trying desperately (and failing) to mask her mounting stress. “Thank you," Sang Alastor. The door shut, and Charlie flopped on her bed. “What am I gonna do?!" She whined.

 

The Vees were all laughing again. “What a loser!" Val guffawed.

 

The focus then shifted to Vaggie in bed, groaning. Sir Pentious knocked at her door, seeing her awake. “How are you, roomie?" She sat up. “Please stop fucking calling me that," She moaned. “Sorry, I just-" He was fast forwarded. 

 

Finally, Vox noted, "Okay, they're wrapping it up! Unpause!”

 

Sure enough, “... I'm sorry for seeming ungrateful, Pen, it's just, I get I'm an ex-angel, but how is it fair that I can get sick all of a sudden?! Like, what else was revoked?!” She crossed her arms in frustration. “Look, Ms. Vaggie, you took care of myself more or less when I was unwell, how about I pick you something up at the store, make you some food?" She looked up at him in vulnerability he hadn't yet seen in her. “You'd do that?”

"Sure.” He smiled and slithered away. She flinched as he screamed, "Egg Bois! Let's fucking go, shopping time!”

 

He walked like a general down the hall as the Bois followed him in a perfect single file. 

 

"Who needs this?!” Velvette scoffed and hit the fast forward button. “Fuck, how are literal hellions who hang with a princess so boring?!" 

“Unpause, Velvette!" Val grabbed her shoulder. “¡Es mi arañito!" 

 

He was right. Focus was now in that hall moments later as Husk and Angel walked down the hall holding hands and giggling.

 

"Hate how boring he is now,” Val groaned. Vox patted his shoulder. "You still pissed they both told you off that one time?" 

“Uh, fuck you!" 

“Snip it, both of you!" Velvette rolled her eyes and resumed play.

 

Angel and Husk brooched a closet. “Wait, Husk! Let's make a detour…” He ran his fingers up Husk's arm. "Why? You gonna do Niffty's job for her? She's gonna be pissed!”

"No, you sexy dumdum! Let's fuck in it!”

"Nah.” He got in Angel's face. "I know my spider boy loves spontaneous sex, but as a porn star, you must know the pros of fuckin' in a bed, yeah?” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “I can lay you down, unzip your boots with my teeth, run my tongue all over your fucking body…”

 

Velvette groaned. "Fucking interns totally tuned into this porn for the sake of kissing Val’s ass-” She heard moaning and turned. "Guys! Ew!” Vox and Val were tonguing. Velvette rolled her eyes. "I want soda anyway. I'll give you hoes an intermission.” They gave her a thumbs up, still writhing on each other. 

 

At least he's returning, she thought as she walked to the kitchen.

 

The other two went into the bathroom and Vox put a sign on the door that read, We'll be right back! with a little cartoon Vox on it.

Chapter 4: Hazbin There, Done That

Summary:

Charlie scrambles as she tries to think of a way to apologize to Vaggie, but Lucifer's newfound boredom adds more to her plate. The Vees laugh at her and everyone else's expense, resulting in Vox getting a, erm, spark back, pardon the pun.

Notes:

So this is pretty much an establishment chapter, I think Vox fans shall be pleased! For fans of Lucifer, Alastor, Vaggie and Charlie, more of them is coming!

Finally, the play button freed the paused movie from its nap. After the forced cat on spider erotica, it was Vaggie's turn to shine. 

 

She was literally moaning in bed from body aches. 

 

“Ugh, my polla just inverted.” Val took a drag from his cigarette as Vox sat with his head on his lap, coughing a bit. "You're tobacco ain't helping my virus, but you're sexy.” He growled and then coughed so hard he sniffled. "Ugh! Will you two pervs shut the fuck up?” Velvette threw her head back dramatically. 

 

Vaggie pulled her blanket up. Dammit, I'm gonna get my period too, I can fucking feel it. She turned on her side. How the shit was Charlie so energetic with the Flu and her period?! She closed her eyes. Mm, that's nice… “Hiya, temp boss!" Her bloodshot eyes shot open and the Egg Bois were at the foot of her bed greeting her. “If I had energy, I would scream." 

“Want us to scream for ya, boss?" They all did, in unison. “PENTIOUS!" Vaggie managed to yell over them. He was in the room almost immediately. The Bois were still screaming. "QUIET!” He yelled, and they abided. "I'm gifting them to you until you're better, Ms. Vaggie. Before you protest, when I was sick, they were supportive-”

 

"Fast forward!” Val and Vox sang, Vox’s voice still a bit nasally.

 

"Well, thanks, Pen. Egg Bois! Could you get me a pain killer, please?" 

"Sure, boss!” They ran out of the room.

 

“We get it!" Velvette groaned. “Fast forward!" 

 

After a good fast forward, Vaggie had more pillows and a heating pad. “I could get used to this." She smiled for the first time in days. Pen joined her. “Binge stuff? It helped me when-" He was fast-forwarded through.

 

“Yeah. Egg Bois, let's watch movies no one's heard of!”

"Okay, boss!”

"Yes, ma'am!”

"What's a movie?”

 

Vaggie curled up, happy, relaxed and at peace. Sucks that in order to not do shit I hafta feel like shit, but dammit if this isn't the most relaxed I've been in my afterlife! 

 

“Fuck, your stupid interns took ‘record everything’ to heart, Velvette." Vox rolled his eyes and pouted as he sniffled and wrapped himself in a blanket. “It's like fuckin' What we do in the Shadows without the charm! Boy, is this shit useless!” 

"Yeah, were these stupid cunts drunk when they edited this?” Val took a fistful of popcorn. Since they were behind her on the couch, they couldn't see Velvette. She was fuming. "I mean, you'd hafta be drunk to work for a ruthless boss like Velvette,” Chortled Vox. "And that's on a good day!” Val joined him for a laugh, even as Vox did little coughs in between his laughs. Velvette finally turned around. The others paused and shared an "uh-oh” glance when they saw her face. "Fucking kidding me?!” She boomed. "First off, they're interns. I don't pay them shit! So there's a lot of boring tripe. But with your technology, Vox, and my interns, we got illegal-ass footage no one, not even that bitch Lucifer, has access to! We are illegally spying on enemies including Lucifer and getting away with it because we're the fucking Vees. Now you two are gonna watch these loser's private lives and you'll bloody like it!” She screamed the last three words and made Vox and Val recoil. Vox's face turned even more red than it had been due to the Flu and he buffered. "Look what you did, Velvette!” Valentino shook his head. "For shame.” She snorted. "That'll teach your asses.” She threw a piece of popcorn into her mouth and chuckled rudely.

 

Charlie sat at her desk. "Oh, this little twat again!" Lamented the voice of Vox. I think I've got it! Vaggie loves music! Charlie smiled. Her phone vibrated. A text from Dad?! That's unusual. It read, Charlie! Come to my room immediately, there's an emergency! She gasped and bolted.

 

The Vees all laughed at the footage of her running down the hall muttering the entire time, “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck…”

 

"Fuck!” She yelled one last time as she reached his door.

 

The Vees were howling. They were so loud they couldn't make out Lucifer meekly asking, “Charlie? That you?" 

 

He answered with great reluctance and winced after seeing her distressed face. “Honey, are you-" 

“WHAT'S THE EMERGENCY?!" Her scream sent him tumbling backwards.

 

The Vees were hysterically laughing, Vox even snorted. That made him blush. “What a dumbass she is!" He was desperate to deflect his snort, though he still blushed. “Yeah," Valentino chuckled. “Women are such dipshits! Bet it's her periodo!” Velvette scowled.

 

“Well, uh, Charlie." Lucifer cleared his throat. “Come on in." He ushered her hesitantly and the entire time, she whipped her head around looking for signs of crisis.

 

“What's the trouble, Dad?" By the time they reached the main room she was visibly confused by the lack of “emergency." He bit his lip. “Oh, boy. Charlie… I… might've exaggerated a bit." 

“How much?" She literally grabbed him by the collar and stared at him so intensely he wanted to squirm. “Okay, clearly my hyperbole interrupted something you were doing," He added under his breath, “A trait you've had since teenhood." He raised his voice back to normal: “And I'm gonna, uh, letcha get back to it!" He chuckled in lack of any other way to lighten his mistake. “Dad." Dammit, she's still mad, this isn't working! “What. Is. Your. Fucking. Emergency?!”

"I'm bored!”

"What?!” Her shriek made him literally step back.

 

Vox jumped. “You okay, baby?" Val patted his shoulder. “Y-yeah." Fuck, that was embarrassing! “Hey, don't be too ashamed," Laughed Velvette. “Any shriller and that prep woulda cracked your screen." 

 

The video then cut to Husk and Angel. 

 

“No, it was just getting funny!" Velvette smacked her head. “Yeah, more fucking!" Valentino jumped off the couch, making Vox lose his balance and have to catch himself. “Calm ya titties, ya look like a douche watching football.”

 

“You really don't hafta do this." Husk chuckled as he wiped the bar counter. "Oh, yes I do!” Angel ran a mini vacuum on a rug. “You saved my ass from bein’ up other asses last week, and I owe you!" Husk smiled with adoration as Angel turned the vacuum off, his back turned. “I feel ya stare, Husky," He said flirtation. Husk blushed and cleared his throat. "Uh…" 

“Ya’ lookin’ at my ass, aincha?" 

"You hoe. You are aware there's more to love than sex, right? This is a lesson we learned together a week ago when we both felt like hammered cock?” Angel turned around nervously but felt relief mist him when he saw that Husk was teasing him. With a seductive walk he walked to the counter and kissed Husk’s cheek. “Pussycat, I know we're serious and our takeout with zero sex for several days will always be somethin’ I cherish, but ya do it's Angel Dust ya’ talkin' to, right?”

"Boy, I couldn't forget if I tried. Between bein' in love with you and your constant reminders, I may as well be a walking ad for you.” They giggled and kissed each other on the lips.

 

“Lame!" Declared Vox. “Yeah," Agreed Valentino. “Where's the fuckin' fuck?" 

“They're kissing now, don't give up." Vox nudged him playfully.

 

“Look, Husk, if Niffty's talkin' care ‘a ol’ Smiles, I ain't gonna leave you to clean the whole fuckin' bar ya'self." He took Husk's hand. "Especially after you saved me.” He smiled sweetly.

 

Val stared, disgusted and confused. He has never been Angel happy, let alone relaxed and… platonic. “The fuck is up with la arãna? Pussy got ‘im under a spell or something?" 

 

“Well… thanks, Angel." Husk gave his hand a squeeze. They stared at each other silently for a second, their eyes doing the talking. 

 

The scene cut to Niffty.

 

"Thank God, no fucking!” Velvette grinned. "Geez, yer’ judgy!” Bitched Vox, clearly uncomfortable by Val's annoyance at the lack of sex. “Like, you ace or something like that Bambi-ass cunt?”

"Funny you bring up sexuality! Not funny you bring up Alastor, ‘cuz you're fucking obsessed, but the more time I spend with you canoodling but horny fucks, the less I find sexual joy in any gender! You hoes give sex positivity a bad name!”

"Velvette, shut the fuck up! It's Alastor!”

 

"More soup, dear Niffty?” He chuckled. "I'll never be hungry for human flesh again at this point!” He mussed her hair when she got close enough. “Don't tell Cannibaltown, but I think you cured cannibalism!" 

She chuckled sadly and put the soup on his bedside table. “What's wrong, chum? You seem down." He took her hand. “Mr. Alastor sir… your symptoms changed." She flinched as he coughed (into a cloth handkerchief of course.) “Indubitably, chum. My cold has worsened." He took an elegant sip of his soup. He could see worry in her face. "You think I've got the Flu, I see.”

"It's exactly like how I looked, plus yer' all naseous and forgetful and-” She burst into tears. 

 

Vox snorted, once again making him cough and sniffle. "She cares about that strawberry tentacle fuck that much?”

 

“Look, I'll be alright. I'm an overlord, for heaven's sake! Okay, poor choice of words. I might have the Flu, dear, but I'm afraid we can't know for sure.”

 

Velvette and Val could feel Vox’s proverbial hate boner throbbing as an evil smile lit up his screen. 

 

“Well, you don't wanna go to the doctor, sir?" 

“If I am contagious, Ms. Niffty, I'd rather not be out galavanting. And an overlord, at a clinic?! Ha! Just imagine!” He shook his head, chuckling at the very thought. She joined in, quickly converting a chuckle into maniacal laughter. Soon, they were both laughing so hard Pentious banged on the wall. "Silence! Vaggie has the Douche Flu and her period, show some damn respect!” Vaggie audibly groaned. They looked at each other like they were sharing a secret and laughed softly. “What if I got you an at home test, sir?" 

“If it will aid you in relaxation, of course. And thank you." He patted her head. She grabbed her purse and ran to the door, giggling. “Oh! And Niffty?" She stopped short and got quiet, still smiling. He wagged his finger. "No stabbing people unless you have to.”

"Aw, no fair! What if they're being arrogant?”

"Mmm… okay." 

 

Vox was drumming his fingers together. Perhaps his enemy, a smug overlord, had the same affliction as he still had. All the condescending pity the media gives sickly overlords, plus he's gonna feel like shit! Lady Luck, be on my side!

 

Niffty scurried down the hall but literally ran into Husk and Angel, knocking herself over. He helped her up. “Easy, Niffty. You're gonna get hurt running through halls like that!”

"Yay, work-related injury!” She did a small dance. "Why do I fuckin' bother?” Husk pinched the bridge of his nose. “Look, Niffty." Angel leveled with her and looked at her with seriousness. “I hope Al’s okay and I find it sweet ya’ helpin’ ‘im, but, uh, you got a maid outfit I can borrow?” Without looking he put a leg on Husk's shoulder effortlessly. "I want my look to reflect the hard work I do,” He whispered.

 

"That's my pendejo!” Val nodded like a proud guardian.

 

Charlie came down the hall, clutching her laptop. "Hey, folks, I'm off to play a love ballad I made out of my favorite songs and play this outside of Vaggie's room!” They stared at her in shock as she darted before they could utter a word.

 

“That'll go over like a fart in Heaven," Laughed Velvette. She turned her head and caught Vox's gaze. “He don't care about Charlie's stupidity." Val lit another cigarette. “We ain't getting his attention ‘til we know if Ala-suck has Douche Flu or not!” He was right. Vox had little cartoon images of dead Alastor in his eyes. Whatever was wrong with his enemy, this would be a delight.

Chapter 5: Vee-lightful

Summary:

Charlie tries a grand gesture for Vaggie... a song she wrote by an up and coming band! The Vees eat up her drama like their overpriced restaurant food.

Notes:

Not much happens, just Vox being sick lay and dickly, Charlie trying to hard, and Sir Pentious being awkward (and fast forwarded through.) Either way, have fun!

Vox was seemingly frozen in his sneer of anticipation, overly confident in Alastor's misfortune to (hopefully for Vox) come soon. Velvette and Val were of course fully aware even with their backs turned, but they were far more interested in Charlie's soon to be misfortune that was on the screen. 

 

Charlie was standing in the lobby with a small band she was instructing. “So, my girlfriend is sick because of me, and is like, suuuuper mad about it." She turned around, clearly fighting tears. “I'm sorry…”

"Princess, are you okay?” The drummer touched her shoulder.

 

Val and Velvette were cackling. “What a fucking twit!" Vox tried to maintain his Alastor-driven sneer, but then sneezed a few times. "Awww, your sneeze is so lindo, Vox!" 

“Fuck you, Mothra, and pay attention to the cunt on the screen." Val rolled his eyes and Vox blushed a little.

 

Charlie sniffed and smiled. “Thanks." She wiped her eyes. “Onward, band!" She gestured melodramatically towards the elevator.

 

“You think she's advertising for the hotel with that band, or is this still about pleasing her traitor novia?” Val popped some candy into his mouth. Velvette chuckled. "Either way, I bet this shit will be hilarious!” Even Vox’s hate boner couldn't miss an opportunity for Charlie to humiliate herself. "I think the latter,” He laughed before making himself cough. "Dumb bitch.”

 

Charlie hit the elevator button multiple times. "Uh, Princess, you do know as a hotel owner that doesn't only not work but isn't good for the button?” The singer cocked their eyebrow. "She's eager,” Came the voice of Husk, making everyone turn around. He didn't love the attention, but he cleared his throat and shrugged. "Ain't no amount of management and professionalism can bottle Charlie Morningstar’s eagerness.” She was about to protest but saw that Husk was smiling as he shared this, and winking. She smiled modestly. “Thanks, Husk." The elevator opened and she put an arm in front of it to stop it from closing. “By the way, Husk, this is En-beginnings, Pentagram City’s first all-enby band!" He waved awkwardly. “Y'all are in for a real experience here. You gonna do another ad for Hazbin, one without Alastor's fuckin' ‘help’ this time?" 

"Nope, we're performing for her sick girlfriend in some snake's hotel room.” The bass player could hardly say this with a straight face. "What?!” Husk's eyes widened. "Yeah, it ain't Pentagram Theater, but it's for the Princess of Hell, so why not?”

"Charlie!” He growled. "This is a Satan awful idea! The fuck are you-” 

"Can't hear you!” They were all in the elevator with the doors closing at this point. "Bye, Husk.” Left alone in the foyer, he shook his head. "Now I gotta pour me a fucking drink.”

 

Vox snorted when he laughed, clutching the blanket he was wrapped in before sneezing. "That former overlord might be the biggest loser ever, but fuck if he ain't relatable!” Val high-fived him on that… too hard, making Vox cradle his wrist.

 

Charlie did a Shave and a Haircut knock on Pen's door as she literally bounced with excitement. “Caffeine addict much?" Muttered the electric guitar player to the lead singer. “I heard that," She growled, grabbing them by the collar, then immediately regretted it. “I'm sorry. Just… work with me.” She turned back around in time to Sir Pentious opening the door. "I heard a cringey knock, and figured it'd be either Mormons or… hello, Princessssss.”

"Hiya, Sir Pentious!” She waved eagerly. “I'm here with the band for Vaggie!" His face scrunched. "What band? In my room?” He growled.

 

"Drama!" The Vees all cackled in unison. 

 

“Yeah, I called you about it?!" A bead of sweat made its way down the back of her neck as she realized she in fact hadn't. “Uh, you most certainly did not!" Pen’s scowl made the band giggle. Charlie just looked embarrassed and more sweat appeared on her forehead. Pen stared. Satan on a stick, I can practically hear her heartbeat! He exhaled softly. Well, as another pitiful jackassss with anxiety, I can't turn that face away. He gestured. “Come in. And please, folks, I-" 

 

“FAST-FORWARD!" Velvette groaned. “Satan fuck, the eye rolls are beginning to make my head hurt!" Vox sneezed and moaned. "Headache? Join the fuckin’ club, sister,” He sniffed through a now nasally voice, his cheeks pink. 

 

Vaggie was cuddling with the Egg Bois and sipping tea with the TV on. "Damn, I might vacation here when I feel better,” She said out loud, to whom she didn't know. The door knocked loudly, making them all jump. The Egg Bois even yelped and one began to roll off the bed. Vaggie gasped and caught him in time. “Thanks, purple boss!" Before Vaggie could answer, the door went swinging open accompanied by light that was painful and garish to Vaggie at the moment. “Ow! Pen, is that you?" 

“Not quite," Sang Charlie. Vaggie let out a soft groan seeing her girlfriend’s perky silhouette in the doorway. “Charlie, what the fuck?" She croaked. “Vaggie, I haven't been a good girlfriend to you." Charlie looked at her sympathetically. Vaggie stayed quiet, intrigued. Maybe Charlie learned her lesson. Is this a genuine fucking apology? “I love you. You don't deserve the Flu. So I'm gonna make it up to you." Vaggie's hopes plummeted. “How?" She failed to mask her skepticism in her monotone delivery. Charlie grinned. “With a song!"

“Uhhh… okay. Just sing quietly, please. I really feel like shit." Her calmness returned. " I, uh, got my period.”

“Oh, I won't be singing! Gang?” The band followed behind her. "Charlie, what in the ass-fucking fuck?” She growled. How does she not get that after three years I can't stomach this kinda shit?! “En-beginnings, take it away! Just try and play quietly, okay guys? Vaggie is not only exhausted from a week of caring for me and not only has the Flu, but she's on her period!” Vaggie hid under the blanket. Pen walked by at that moment with red cheeks upon hearing the word 'period.' "First day’s always the worst sensory-wise, especially on the spectrum! Amirite? Uh, Vaggie sweetie?” No answer. Charlie tugged at her collar. “Maybe this is a bad idea…” The drummer suggested with great reluctance. "No-no, folks! You didn't come all the way here to not play for my girlfriend!” 

"Alright, then.” The singer Plugged in their guitar. "S-set up your instruments, group.” Charlie was so drowned in her own denial she failed to see the shared reluctance of the entire room, including the socially challenged Egg Bois. 

 

“Fast forward!" Snapped Val. "Vel, your interns really recorded some outside band tuning their instruments? Fucking-”

"Useless? So you keep saying.” She pressed the fast forward button but stared at Val with venom for a few moments. Vox blew his nose and coughed. “You two gonna fuck? Yer’ creeping me out." He yawned and sniffled, pulling the blanket up. Now they both stared at him. “Wait! Unpause!" He was desperate to diverge this mental discomfort that was making him noticeably blush and squirm. “What? They're just beginning to sing." Valentino cocked his head in confusion, a characteristic Vox privately found adorable. "It might be good, they look like an alt rock band, so who knows?”

"Doubt it, but worth a shot.” Velvette hit play. 

 

"Oh, Vaggie, more perfect than a plastic baggie…” Unsurprisingly, the En-beginnings were skipped with a vengeance.

 

“The fuck does that mean?" Laughed Vox. “Blond bitch is so desperate for rhymes she turns to incoherence! HA!"

 

20 (Long) minutes later

 

The band left. "Thanks, everyone,” Vaggie said through her teeth, clearly seething. "You guys are going places, you are talented.” 

"Thanks,” The band said uncomfortably as they quickly packed up their instruments, sensing the upcoming drama. They quickly exited and in seemingly seconds closed the door. "Thanks, Sir Pentious, for hosting!" The lead singer squeaked before leaving. Charlie missed all of this in her… social obliviousness. “What’d you think?" She was grinning. At this point Vaggie was so agitated and overstimulated even her girlfriend's adorable grin and kind gesture weren't enough. “Charlie… it's like you don't even fucking know me.”

 

"OOOOOH!” The Vees were highly invested in the drama.

 

"What?! Vaggie, I-”

"-Would know as a good girlfriend that I hate overstimulation and unwanted attention! And telling a bunch of strangers about my period?! Plus, look at the Egg Bois!” They were all mimicking the song, playing air guitar and drums while singing out of sync and viciously off key. "I appreciate the gesture, but you seem to have trouble listening.” With resistance due to pain, She stood up and got in Charlie's face. “I. Need. A. Break from you." 

“Vaggie…" Charlie’s voice shook as much as her tears fell. Vaggie couldn't meet her gaze and flopped into bed. “Please just let me sleep!" Charlie was for once at a loss forwords and ran out of the room. Sir Pentious popped his head in. “Damn, Ms. Vaggie!" 

“Spare me," She groaned. “She'd been warned and won't shut the fuck up. Even when she's not sick!” He entered the room and held the Egg Bois close as he sat at the foot of the bed. “You wanna talk about it before you rest?" Silence. “I'll take that as a yes." He stroked one Egg Bois’ head. "You've enforced from day one the importance of communication, now come along. You have a friend in this mess-” More fast forwarding.

 

"Thank fuck!” Val roared with laughter. "I need a break from the non-stop comedy!” Vox added, "It's like fucking The Room of stupid hotels!”

 

The next unpause was another belly laugh for the Vees; Charlie walking down the halls, crying and hoping nobody would see. I wanna talk to Dad, she thought. Usually it was her cool, lax and supportive girlfriend she could talk to. Now she was furious with her. As she entered the elevator she wondered, Did I really blow it this time? 

 

She went to go to Lucifer's room, imagining the comfort he'd offer her. She smiled fondly through her tears. She pictured his warm, reassuring hug he'd give her when she'd get scared or hurt as a child, the way he stroked her head, how he always knew the right words to coax her into happiness. She wiped her eyes but paused. Why the fuck did Dad leave the door open?!

 

The bathroom and both bedrooms were also wide open. 

 

“Dad?!" She ran into the hall in absolute panic. Her legs tingled and felt weak as her throat went dry. “SHIT." 

 

“Damn, the drama!" Velvette crossed one leg over the other as she made herself more comfortable, and Val was cracking up. Vox was smiling through little coughs, but his patience was thin. Sure, he loved watching that “woke blond bitch" suffer, but where the fuck is Alastor?

Chapter 6: Lover's Queer-el

Summary:

Charlie takes care of Lucifer, who then comforts her regarding her Vaggie troubles. The Vees are still jerks.

Notes:

So here's Lucifer being a dad, some Vaggie angst, Niffty insanity, Charlie depression and the Vees seeing no character development whatsoever. Enjoy regardless. 😂

Also whoever gets the VERY subtle "Clone High" season one reference gets my heart forever.

Charlie ran down the stairs to the lobby. I hope to Satan he hasn't left the hotel! Gotta start at the lobby. Dammit, I hope I don't hafa work my way up!

 

“Run, Princess, run!” Cackled Val. “That's what she's gonna be doing when she's trying to escape Adam soon," Agreed Vox, still noticeably impatient (not that the other Vees did notice.)

 

Predictably, she was panting and sweaty by the time she reached the bottom of the stairs. Her hair was frizzy and she had visible armpit stains. 

 

She practically stumbled down the hall. In a lucky turn of events (debatably,) Angel was on his phone in one of the chairs placed in the hallway. He didn't bother to look up for more than a nanosecond. “Boy, blondo, do you ever look fuckin' horrible." 

“Ha-ha." She took a deep breath. “Look. Wanna be useful? Dad is missing! Karma's getting the best of me from when I was sick and-" 

“He ain't missin’." He put his phone down. “Antsy bitch is in the lobby, tryin’ to get out. Bet you can still catch ‘im." 

“Uh… thanks!" She began to peel off. “Wait, Charlie!" She stopped in her tracks. “Why didn't ‘cha just call or text him?”

"Uh… what?" 

“I mean, as the relevant king of Hell, ain't he got a cellphone? I do and I was born in the thirties." 

"I- uh… fuck.” In all her depression, anxiety, worry and mania she'd failed to think logically. Angel exclaimed. "He does have one, don't he? Stupid, Charlie. Real stupid.”

"I… oh, fuck off, Angel!" She started running again, leaving a sneering spider behind her.

 

Charlie gasped. She'd just made it. He was walking out the door.

 

She grabbed Lucifer’s arm about a second before his slippered foot hit the concrete. “What the fu-" He was cut off as he was quickly whirled around and now looking face to face with his seething daughter. “Dad! What are you doing?!" She backed up. “You're in fucking pajamas!" 

“I told you I was bored." Lucifer crosses his arms defiantly like a toddler. Charlie’s eye twitched and her jaw stayed open in shock. Was I this fucking annoying last week?!

 

“Look at her fucking face!" Velvette snorted. “She looks like her stupid fucking hotel is burning down!" Vox’s eyes widened at the thought of that, even through his slight cough and pink cheeks. If only… nah, we're already spying on the fucker. One epic takedown of woke Hell at once. He smiled in his disgusting thoughts.

 

Lucifer seemed to have caught a sliver of lucidity and recoiled. “Oh boy. I gotta go back to my room now, don't I?”

"Yeah, Dad.” Charlie patted his shoulder, unable to be angry with him. "But, we can make it fun for you!”

"How?” He whined. "There are no more Todd Solondz movies streaming, I'm bored!"

 

“Fuck, what a baby!" Vox spouted and then let out a mouse-like sneeze.

 

“Well, Sir Pentious can't be in the same room as you, but you can try online gaming together!" Charlie had his attention. Most would have called his smile adorable, but…

 

“What a cunting sap!" Velvette crowed. 

 

"And I'll pick you up something I know for a fact is a guilty pleasure for you; fast food!”

"Damn, Charlie, you know how to make a deal!" 

“And hey, you can get a medium sized drink!" He gasped and simultaneously as father and daughter, "’Cuz I don't hafta schedule bathroom breaks!”

"’Cuz you don't hafta schedule bathroom breaks!” He hugged her. “What'd I do to get such a cool daughter?" She rolled her eyes and smiled warmly. “I've got Hell's greatest Da-" 

 

“Fast forward!" The Vees were green in the face and Vox was covering what would have been his ears. “Dios mio! Who’d ‘a thunk the day would happen when fucking Lucifer would have a Full House moment?" 

“That useless bitch of a daughter!" Growled Vox. Perhaps I don't wanna be reformed… I'll be like that blond asshole! He pursed his lips, indicating deep thought… for him, anyway.

 

Charlie escorted Lucifer to his room. “Okay, Dad, I'll try to locate an XVox for you.”

 

Vox grinned. “If I were in my bowtie and not my shark pajamas I'd be arranging it boastfully." 

“Oh, shut up," Velvette and Val groaned.

 

"You're the best, Charlie.” Lucifer winced as he crawled into bed. "Now, wanna talk about what else is bugging you?” She narrowed her eyes. "Besides chasing you and nearly having a panic attack?” He patted the bed. "Charlotte Morningstar, don't you think I know when my daughter’s depressed? Talk to your dad before buying him frivolous tech crap owned by corporate bastards.”

 

The Vees were all seething, but Velvette saw Vox's cheeks turned from cute sick pink to "Pissed and embarrassed crimson” (a term coined by and legally owned by Valentino.) She skipped through Charlie's resistance, which went on for several minutes. 

 

Enough time for Val to finally calm Vox by rubbing his shoulders. A seething TV shark-coded demon with red cheeks, a sniffle, and crossed arms with a pout and narrowed eyes.

 

“Oh, Dad, Vaggie-" She got the fast forward treatment again.

 

The Vees all looked in growing disgust and confusion seeing Charlie start crying, with Lucifer eventually hugging her. Another group, "What the fuck?!” was uttered.

 

Soon enough, Lucifer and Charlie split up their hug. 

 

"Thank cock, they're finished!” Val boomed.

 

"I mean, boy, Charlie, that is a pickle. A band for someone who hates attention and loud noises?! Shit.”

 

"’A pickle?’ Why's the literal fucking devil talking like an Andy Griffith Show character?” Vox coughed a bit. 

 

"Now, I know you usually talk to Vaggie.” Lucifer wiped a stray tear from Charlie's cheek. “Believe me, sweetie, I know what it's like to have your confidant you always go to mad at you. But in this case… I think you could use some relationship advice.” Charlie sat more comfortably. "Okay, uh, Dad, what've you got for me advice wise?” He chuckled. "I don't think you want dating advice from the fucking devil, especially one who played mistress to Adam's wives.”

"Dad!” She lamented. He laughed at her reaction. "Sorry, kiddo, but it's the truth!” He smiled warmly. "Look, my point is, ask another healthy couple, who's not you and Vaggie, for some advice. No one's cuter than you two, but like, a close second.” 

 

"Uh, hello!” Vox and Val shouted at the television. 

 

Charlie thought for a moment. "Well, I definitely wanna choose someone from the hotel…”

"Exactly, your closest pals and allies!”

"Well, Sir Pentious is… Sir Pentious." 

 

At that moment, he stood in front of the mirror. “Ms. Bomb, if it's not too much trouble, will you go…” He got sweaty and gulped even in the privacy of his own bathroom. "...Sssssteady with me?”

 

The Vees were cackling. "Finally, el serpiente said something funny!” Snorted Val.

 

Lucifer sucked in his teeth. “Yeah… love Penny, but womanizer he is not.” Charlie giggled. "And for a fifties housewife, I've never seen Niffty even attempt a serious relationship.”

 

Niffty was holding an ant by her antenna to a stove flame. “That's for crawling on Mr. Alastor when he's sleeping, you monster!” She whispered with malice.

 

"Did she say Alastor?!”

"Okay, Vox, keep it in your pants!” Velvette put her hand up. "Yeah, and who gives a tiger's dick about that?!” Val rubbed his own hands together. “I know I bullied that tiny shrill chick, but damn if I couldn't use a thousand of her! I mean…” Vox’s eye twitched as Val continued to talk, begging for just a sliver of Alastor's misery.

 

"Can't be Alastor.” Lucifer shrugged casually to hide his annoyance with the smug deer. Charlie gasped. "Dad, just because Alastor's asexual doesn't mean he can't give valid relationship advice! That's bigoted.”

Lucifer cocked his head. "I didn't know Alastor was ace, Charlie. Honestly, good news. I wouldn't wanna meet the man, woman or enby pompous enough to be romantically involved with that motherfucker. I meant, don't go to him because he's a gratingly smug, self-centered tyrant on a power trip.”

 

"Preach!” Vox leapt off the couch and bellowed through a hoarse voice.

 

Charlie couldn't argue. But then the realization dawned on her. "I hafta go to Angel and Husk?!” The concept was new to Lucifer too. "Oh! I, uh, guess ya do, honey! Look, I’ll get immediate delivery for my XVox. You go talk to your horny but lovesick spider!”

"You really are Hell's greatest dad!" 

 

Valentino fainted into Vox’s lap. "I'm going to be enfermo! Voxxy, quit sniffling, I'm trying to have a moment!”

“Oh, fuck you. It's me who's sick, bitch."

 

Some footage then cut to Alastor sitting weakly in bed, the bags under his eyes and constant shivering betraying his forced grin. 

 

Vox literally licked his lips in anticipation. “Ow! Easy, telecito! Your boner's digging in my thigh again!”

"Shut up, Val, I'm in the fucking zone!" 

"Uh, I invented a zone for fucking, as it happens, and you, senõr, ain't in the Fucking Zone.”

“Do shut up in case someone does something useful,” Velvette slammed her fist. "Fuck, Vel, 90% of what you've said to us was telling us to be quiet!” Vox sniffled and wiped his nose. Her cheeks turned redder than his. "Maybe because you're as useless and limp as these fucking hotel-dwellers! Now shut up!” Her piercing tone commanded Vox and Valentino into obedience.

 

The next bout of footage was on screen though; Charlie reluctantly knocking at a hotel door.

 

Valentino scoffed. “They only threw that in to make you happy, amorcito!”

"Uh… Vox?" Even Velvette was uneased by Vox's manic face. “It was just a second of Alastor. I doubt that's the last of it! Right, Val?" 

“Uh… yeah! I bet they wanna build it up for you!" Vox’s intense but unreadable expression seemingly exploded into a sneer. He tapped his fingers together. "I'll be patient.” His delivery made Val shudder and Velvette flinch.

 

Angel answered the door, eating a burger. "Hey. ‘Sup, princess?" He burped. Charlie whimpered, feeling she made a mistake. Too fucking late to back out now. It's for Vaggie. She gulped.

 

Vaggie lay in bed, weeping. I think I was too hard on her… she hasn't shot me a text. Maybe she has actually! She grabbed her phone and started at the background; Charlie with her arm around Vaggie's shoulder as she spotted a shirt that read My best friend is my ex-angel girlfriend! in the colors of the lesbian flag. No new messages. Vaggie put her phone down and put a pillow over her face. I'm such a dick! What've I done?

 

Meanwhile, Lucifer was already online gaming with Pen. “Fuck yeah, get ‘em, Pen!" 

“I will!" Sir Pentious. “Your ssssupport-" 

“FAST FORWARD!" 

Chapter 7: Owning Up

Summary:

Charlie gets relationship advice from Husk and Angel that goes surprisingly well. Lucifer is a neurotic mess, and the Vees may have spotted something useful (finally.)

Notes:

So this is not the most plot heavy chapter, but I cracked myself up with it either way. Lucifer and Pen being besties will be explored more, but for now here are some "Hazbin" characters being true to themselves. 😂

“H-hi, Angel." Charlie was crawling out of her skin. "Uh, is Husk here?”

"Ooh, I geddit, you don't wanna talk to me!”

"No! Angel!” She recognized his gold tooth being revealed, a sign he was pretending to be "pissed just to fuck with her,” as she put it. Not in the mood, she let herself in. "It's Husk's room, Angel. Yes, I wanna talk to him.” Her eyes were downcast, and he noticed, both drained but full of horror at once. His own face softened. You sensitive blond shit, ain't you used to me fuckin' with you yet? But he could never say that to her naive anime eyes. “Look, I'm sorry, Charlie. Husk is takin’ a call in the other room, but sit down. I'll get you… whatever non-alcoholics drink.” He led her to a chair. "Thanks, Angel! I'll take some tea if ya have!” He cocked his head. "That warm stuff Husk had me drink when I was sick?” He shrugged and walked towards the kitchen. “Sick juice, not when ya' sick? To each their own, Morningstar." 

 

In a moment with her thoughts she realized something; Angel was in Husk's room with absolute casualty. In the day, nonetheless. She looked around and cringed; Husk's apartment was a mess, and unfortunately Angel staying nights wasn't helping. They're both so fucking messy! Is that an abandoned chip bag?! She literally gagged. There was also a sweater that Fat Nuggets was asleep on.

 

Meanwhile, Angel was in the kitchen, staring at a singular teabag and sweating. How the fuck does this work again? Dammit, I gotta ask Husk! He perked up. He wrote it down already! That slick fuck! Sure enough, he strolled to the fridge and there was a note for Angel on how to make tea.

 

“Does that note have a fuckin' heart on it?” Velvette was repulsed. "God, remember when that bitch was an overlord? Ewwww!"

"Yeah, good riddance to that pussy!" Vox scoffed. Val shook his head in disbelief. “Is my best star a fucking housewife now? I'm definitely gonna barf now!” Velvette and Vox patted his shoulder. “Let's fast forward," They said together. Val nodded. "No! Wait! There's Princess Morningshit looking sick again! Finally, comic relief!”

 

Oh my goodness, I hafta clean some of this stuff off the floor, these two are so sloppy! Charlie gulped back vomit. I'm going in.

 

Her audibly whimpering while picking up a stray candy wrapper was the Vees’ new favorite part of the collected footage. Their laughter echoed off the walls.

 

As Charlie was about to clean more, she heard Husk's voice coming down the hall with quickly approaching footsteps. “Look, I'll pick up the damn dry cleaning tomorrow, dick. Yeah. Bye.” He hung up. "What a cu- oh, Charlie! What's up?” She sat in a chair casually, hoping to death he hadn't seen her cleaning. "Look. I'm not gonna mince words. I need…” She sighed. "... Relationship advice from you.” He stared at her with wide eyes and an open jaw. "Holy fuck!” Angel exclaimed from the kitchen, making Husk laugh. “Well, let's wait for Angel first, shall we?" 

“Wha… no, I wanna talk to you." She hoped her chipper delivery was a diversion from her annoyance. Husk saw right past her thin facade but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. “Okay, you don't seem to get it. Angel and I are becoming better by dating, in our own fucked-up little way. I want him present too. Angel?”

"Uh, coming!” Charlie waited with uncertainty for Angel to scramble into the room. He sat on the couch next to Husk and they pecked each other on the lips. Charlie eased up a bit seeing how cute they were. 

 

“Okay, I'm gonna get some more snacks, take a shower, something, anything that ain't viewing this horseshit!" Val smacked his forehead. "Why aren't we fast forwarding?!”

"Because Princess Morningstar is being vulnerable!” Velvette reiterated. "This might be useful!”

"As useful as this other shit has been?” Vox sniffled. "Voxxy, babe, you're shivering.”

"Am not!” He pouted, in complete denial. "How?!” Velvette hit the pause button. "It's 73° in here, and you're a TV set! I didn't know you felt the temperature!”

"That's shitty, Vel." Vox was genuinely hurt. “No, literally, I didn't know Vox could-" 

"Stop.” Val put his hand up. "You watch this torture, I'm gonna get Voxxy his blanket with the sharks and dollar signs.” As he left, Vox grinned. "You know me too well, babe!” Still shivering, he turned back to the TV. "Okay, put the torture porn back on!" 

 

“So, you brought Angel here to show how you complete each other?" 

“Yup. Sorry ya’ havin’ bitch troubles with Vagina." Husk nudged him. “Angel." 

“Right, sorry. Look. I know Husk is a good confidant and listener against ‘is will, but he's nicer and good at relationships ‘cuz of me. Just like how I see sex as more than work, and… okay, I ain't goin’ further.” Husk combed Angel's hair with his fingers. "Look, as we've been announcing for thirty seconds, is that you need to talk to me about romance success, you talk to Angel too. It's only fair.” He kissed Angel's cheek, making him blush and swoon. Charlie stared in amazement. They really were in love. Like, really. Angel Dust is fucking swooning?! Oh shit… is it selfish I'm jealous because my own relationship is- “So what's up, Charlie?" Angel grabbed her attention back into the moment. "Oh! Ya tea's ready! Hold on." 

 

“Boy, is it great Val ain't around to see this," Vox muttered to Velvette.

 

"Look… I think you both know that Vaggie's… kinda mad at me right now.” Angel snorted despite Husk glaring at him. “That purple bitch is livid!" He started snort-laughing. Looking around he realized a pissed off face and a heartbroken one were neglecting the chance to laugh with him. He cleared his throat and recoiled. “Look, sorry, Charlie. It's just-”

"I know I'm to blame for this!” She exploded, slamming her teacup down. Husk and Angel stared in awe.

 

So did the Vees.

 

She grabbed her hair in frustration and growled. "I'm really sorry, but, can we stop blaming me for two fucking seconds?!” She stood up and paced. Angel and Husk looked at each other, unsure of how to handle it. After all, Charlie being manic was basically normal, but manic angry Charlie was scarce, and a force to be reckoned with at that. But Angel heard Husk's voice in his head: Communication is key, and a listener is its anchor. “Look, Blondie. You sound like you really gotta vent." She paused and looked normal, like simple kindness had set her back to her default manic but happy mode. “You, uh, wanna talk about that before ya relationship crap?” She nodded and sat back down, clutching her cup. “And it's, y’know, okay to be mad." Husk shrugged. "You listen to all of us vent our frustrations. This is a safe place, baby.” Angel nodded in agreement, seemingly desperate to help out for once. “Let it all out, big eyes." Charlie took a deep breath and began to speak. “I know I fucked up royally last week, and I'm trying so hard to make it right with everyone, but seriously, how damn long do I have to tolerate everyone hating and making rude comments at me?! My feelings-”

 

“Fast forward!" Vox was the first to say it this time but was privately relishing his fluffy shark and money blanket. 

 

After several minutes, they all sighed in relief when it appeared she stopped talking. “Useless asshole!" Valentino threw his head back.

 

Husk and for once, Angel, were taken aback. "Damn, Charlie,” Husk managed. "I mean, I geddit. When I lost my power, negative and positive reinforcements got really fuckin' old. I just became ‘the former overlord,’ it's all anybody saw. One mistake in my career, it's all anyone remembers. Bet you feel the same, huh?” Angel stroked his back. Charlie twisted a stray lock of hair. “Sort of. I mean, your story is worse, but I respect the analogy. How do you cope with it?” 

"Booze. And…" He rolled his eyes. “You guys. Niffty ain't gonna give you crap, believe me. In fact, I think she liked running around looking for you!" Charlie smiled at that. “And we won't say anything," Added Angel. “Your neuroric ass ain't the first stupid thing to happen here and it's not the last. It'll blow over. ‘Til then, ya got Husk, me and the bug killer to not bitch at you.”

"Thanks, guys.” She smiled and looked down. "So what do you think I should do about Vaggie? Angel, you didn't have the Flu, but you and Husk made it official all while you were sick! How'd you do it?”

 

Valentino sat forward. Was Husk Angel's weakness, and could he capitalize on that?... Vox looked at him. "Now who's got a hate boner?” He sneered as he wiped his red nose.

 

Husk took Angel's hand. “We were faced with a shitty scenario. I persevered, saved Angel’s literal ass, and nursed the fucker. Then he nursed me after I put up with his shit-head boss’s abuse." 

"Yeah, fuckin' Val!” Angel could have spit. Charlie shook her head. “Fucking Val." 

 

Valentino was seething, but fortunately, the footage seemed to have skipped over that. “Good call," Observed Velvette. Vox reluctantly rubbed Val's back.

 

“So, through your uncharacteristic kindness toward one another, you saved each other's lives and admitted how in love you were?" Charlie's anime eyes somehow got wider. Husk let out a single, uncomfortable laugh. “More like, we took care of each other at our lowest. Angel and I both fell ill from illegal negligence, and we were both willing to take care of each other at our fucking worst." Angel kissed his cheek this time. "For once, no one cared what I looked like, let alone saved my fuckin' life.” Charlie could have cried.

 

“Cue Full House moment,” Lamented Vox.

 

“So… I should be there for Vaggie, but, be there for her?” Husk nodded. "Exactly. I think, if we're on the same page, 'cuz you say shit weird. No showboating, no gestures, just take care of her quietly while she's sick.”

 

Vaggie lay in bed, shivering. “She's got Pen checkin’ on her, so she definitely ain't lonely." Angel threw in his opinion. “But still, show her you'll take care of her no matter what." There was a knock on her door. She peered up with great effort.

 

"Uh, I think I proved that,” Charlie giggled. "Okay, but showing some you love them through their barfy booger butt? That's love.” Husk crossed his arms. "Thanks, you guys.” Charlie was gushing. Husk and Angel stood up and hugged her. "Now I know you wanna turn this into some tacky friendship crap.” Angel tried pitifully to mask his feelings. "But thank us later.” He punched her arm softly. "Go get her… a barf bucket." She nodded and laughed.

 

With a final glimpse, her heart could have melted seeing the couple holding each other and stare into their eyes. Suddenly, their mess didn't seem like a mess. More like a home for each other. Plus, Niffty loves cleaning this stuff! But I'd still never stay in this room if somebody paid me. She walked out, still holding her tea.

 

She took a deep breath. Oh thank fuck, fresh air!

 

The Vees felt it necessary to laugh at her expense yet another time. Unfortunately for Vox, his laughter came to a halt. 

 

“Practicing your breathing, Charlotte, dear? Isn't trouble breathing a leftover symptom from the Flu? Please do us a favor and don't lose your wits again.” Alastor's tone was beyond condescending. "That was really rude,” She panted, then gained her composure and cleared her throat. “And please, stop bringing up last week, ‘cuz I'm not apologizing anymore." He was clearly alarmed by her pushback. “Just… be careful, Ms. Charlie. Not that I should talk.” He continued his stroll. “Wait! What are you doing out of bed, Alastor?" 

“I am entitled to leave the room during sickness, am I not, my pal?" 

“Not how I meant and you know it. Does Niffty know?" His eyes widened again. 

 

“Ugh, that smug twat!" Vox jumped off the couch, practically foaming at the mouth.

“Calm down!” Commanded Velvette. "Both of you and your weird hate!”

 

"... I'm an overlord, Charlie. There's work to be done. What my dear friend Niffty doesn't know shan't hurt her.” He got in her face. "I trust you won't tattle.” He entered an elevator before she could answer. Next, Lucifer came running down the hall past Charlie. “What the- Dad?!" 

"Charlie!” He stopped in his tracks and ran to her, sniffling. “Thank Satan! Sir Pentious is missing!" 

“What?! What happened?!" 

“We were gaming and then he disappeared! He must've been kidnapped! We have to help him!" 

“Dad." She rubbed her temples. “The connection probably just-" 

“Lucy!" Sir Pentious sped over with the Egg Bois to him. “You weren't attacked?!”

"Penny! No! Charlie actually was just telling me the connection failed!” He looked down. "I wanna hug you, but I'm still-”

"I'll rissssk it!” They hugged it out and Charlie rolled her eyes. "While you guys bro it up, may I have your room key, Sir Pentious?” Wordlessly and without breaking up the hug, Pen threw the room key to her.

Later

 

She took a deep breath and entered the room. Whatever happens, I've gotta be there for my girlfriend.

 

She knocked softly on the room where Vaggie stayed, nearly held back by reluctance. To her shock, Vaggie ran to the door. “Charlie!" 

“Vaggie?!" Despite Vaggie's rush, Charlie couldn't help but notice how sickly she looked. She was pale and green, had bags under her eyes and was hunched from pain. “Charlie, honey, I am so sorry!" 

“Huh?! You?!" 

 

“These fucking saps!" Vox smacked his forehead.

 

Lucifer and Pen stood together. “So, uh, Charlie's probably gonna be a while talking to Vaggie." Lucifer cleared his throat. “So, wanna game together in my room? You and the Egg Bois of course!" 

“Fuck yeah!" They walked off regally, despite Lucifer literally wearing pajamas and coughing. “Game time!" They yelled to no one. The Egg Bois cheered them on, not even knowing what they were so jovial about. 

 

Vox was hardly concentrating at this point. Husk. Vaggie. Niffty. Images of them danced about his monitor and he bared his shark teeth in a grin. If I can just get my hands on them, I can take. These. Fuckers. DOWN.

 

The interns may have shared that mentality, because next there was footage of Husk and Angel making out.

 

Then Charlie and Vaggie holding hands.

 

Next, some gratuitous footage of Lucifer and Sir Pentious gaming like besties.

 

And of course, Alastor about to leave the hotel. However, he turned on his heel.

 

He poked his head into a room Niffty was cleaning to make sure she was safe before taking off.

 

Vox's grin at this point was blinding. He had an in, he found their alibis. If he hadn't been such a classist, he might have even had the grace to thank the interns for their dedication and (semi) useful camera know-how. He sat back and sipped some of his tea, which immediately went down the wrong tube and had him coughing.

Chapter 8: Heart to Heart (Or whatever Ex-angels Have)

Summary:

Lucifer helps Vaggie realize how much she needs Charlie. Then does something really idiotic.

Notes:

Here are some Lucifer and Vaggie feels we didn't know we needed, including the Vees. Enjoy! And thanks for your support and patience!

An hour or so ago

 

There was a knock on the room Vaggie was seeking refuge in. “Come in," She croaked. Dammit, I'd finally fallen asleep. “Pen, please, if I eat more soup I'll explode." She giggled in hopes of airing some lightheartedness as she sat up. “Uh, not Sir Pentious! Also, no soup." Lucifer walked in and chuckled awkwardly. “Lucifer! Hi!” She pushed her hair back and sat up more. Unfortunately the period cramps and body aches made that unpleasant. “Whoa whoa whoa." He put his hands up to indicate to her to stop. “Stay as you are if you feel crappy, Vags." She blushed as he sat next to her. "Sorry, it's just instinct to look better in front of a literal king. Plus, y’know, my girlfriend's dad.” She looked down and stimmed on a strand of hair. He laughed warmly and put his arm around her. “Flattering, kid, but this king has frizzy-ass hair and is wearing pajamas. I just wanna talk." Vaggie swallowed. "This is about Charlie, isn't it?”

"Yup. King ‘o darkness is here to stand up for his daughter.” She groaned. "Look, I know I could've been easier on her.”

 

"Who cares? That shit was hilarious!” Valentino took a fistful of popcorn. "Slob,” Muttered Vox.

 

Uh, ya think? Luckily Vaggie missed Lucifer rolling his eyes. But he sighed, realizing how much he related, and how guilty he now felt. “I mean, yeah, but I chose to talk to you because… I get your perspective too.” 

"Huh? Wait, really?” Lucifer laughed again. "Vaggie, are you nuts? I'm her dad! Literally no one knows more than me that though Charlie has a heart of gold, her gestures of goodwill can be a little…”

"Way too fucking much to the point of embarrassment?” Vaggie curled up and buried her head into her knees. Before Lucifer could respond, she actually apologized. “Yer' right, you've faced it head on for years, and no one knows how annoying she can be like you.”

 

“Agree to disagree," Snorted Velvette.

 

“Don't sweat it, Vaggie. I'm sorry she woke you up multiple times and outed your period to a bunch of fucking strangers." He hugged her, and she squeezed him. "For the literal fucking devil, you give really nice hugs.”

"Damn, you are flattering! Charlie's right!” They broke apart. Vaggie looked down again, and earnestly this time. “So I guess now's the part where you explain why I was wrong about her?" 

“Yup." His smile showed her she still had nothing to worry about. “Look, Vaggie, we've established she's a lot. But she's actually learning right about now that she's been overdoing it, is a bad listener, and she too is in the wrong.”

"Okay, I can live with that." 

“But also, as over the top as she is… isn't she amazing?!" Vaggie yelled in frustration. “I know, okay?! I'm not stupid, I know how thoughtful she's been! But she doesn't listen!”

"Okay, but… you've got a heart, yeah? Has it been listening to what Charlie did?" 

 

The Vees gagged.

 

Vaggie laughed super hard but stopped abruptly seeing Lucifer's look of confusion. She cleared her throat. “Sorry, just, that's really Hallmark-y, Lucifer." 

"That bad?” The volume of his projection shrunk as much as his confidence. She patted his shoulder. "Not clever and like, mondo cheesy," She giggled. “But not milquetoast either. Please elaborate though." 

“Vaggie… how many people do you know who'd do what Charlie did, with such meticulousness on what'd make you, Vaggie, personally happy? A new, local band to sing a song of apology for you? I mean, fuck! Thoughtful, right?” He nudged her with his elbow. “If ya hadn't made your stance on her help painfully clear, she was gonna make a cake that looked like your head with marzipan Angel wings!” Vaggie's eyes welled. "Damn. That's beyond kindness.” Lucifer smiled and handed her a tissue. "And consider this; how would the jackasses in Heaven handle this?” He put extra contempt on the word ‘Heaven.’ His melodrama made Vaggie laugh as she wiped her eye. “I get your point, but as an angel I never got sick. That's a consequence of choosing Hell." He scoffed. “Just picture it, okay?" He crossed his legs to magnify his sass. Vaggie bit her lip. “Well… if we're referring to this specific flu, Adam probably call it a hoax even though he created it and say I was being lazy, lying and it was just my period being blown out of proportion.” Lucifer sucked his teeth in. "Yikes.” He hugged her again.

 

Vox rolled his eyes. "Maybe Adam ain't that bad. I mean, why are they making stuff I say all the time sound like it's ‘sexist’ and ‘out of line?’ Uh, no offense, Velvette.” He hacked.

 

“Charlie really is fucking amazing, isn't she?" Vaggie had a new glow to her. Lucifer smiled. “She really is. She's been doing her best to make me comfortable too, I couldn't be more proud of my daughter. And be a good daughter-in-law and make amends with her.” They hugged tightly. Vaggie shed a few tears, relishing her father figure. Lucifer welcomed his new daughter with open arms.

 

“LAME!" Declared the Vees.

 

Back in Lucifer's room

 

“Okay, ready to game more?” Lucifer was droning those words, deliriously exhausted. "You don't look so good,” Worried Pen. "I'm concerned that-” More fast forward for Sir Pentious. 

 

Lucifer's face was full of warmth. “Boy, Penny. Your concern for me is incomparable." He wiped a tear. "Maybe you're right. I'm gonna get some shut-eye.” 

 

"Just fuck already!” Val frowned. "Y'know, people, not just asexuals, can have non-fucking relationships with their pals.” Velvette sipped her soda. "Bullshit!" Val and Vox high-fived after saying that at once.

 

“Good idea. Ssssee you tomorrow, Lucy. Come along, Bois." Sir Pentious waved as he left, as did the Egg Bois. 

 

As soon as he left, Lucifer perked up. Woo! I hate lying to ya, Pen, but I gotta get out of here! He grabbed a jacket off of the coat rack.

 

In a cheesy exit which resembled that of Darkwing Duck, he ran out of his hotel room “sneakily." 

 

Little did he know, Alastor was also out and about without the hotel's knowledge. His eyes shifted back and forth as he left the hotel.

 

“Ooh, this oughta be good." Vox shoved popcorn in his sniffling face and sneered. “No talking with your mouth full, amorcito,” Valentino scolded.

 

Charlie looked her girlfriend in the face.

 

“Yeah, totally asked for more Disney Channel footage." Velvette spiked her drink.

 

"You're sorry?” She tilted her head like a puzzled child. Vaggie giggled at how cute it was. “Yes. Let's talk." 

 

Lucifer stumbled out of the hotel unseen, in a trench coat. “Oh, sweet Pentagram air," He said to no one in particular, taking a deep breath that sent him into a coughing fit. 

 

Vox laughed at his expense but then did the same. 

 

Alastor was on a street corner, coming out of a cafe when he caught Lucifer. “Oh, my." His distress was painfully clear despite the smile, not to mention his sniffling through a pink nose. He walked hastily towards him, desperate to get to Lucifer but also to not make a scene. Beads of sweat made his situation visible, that is if anyone in Hell paid attention to anything that didn't affect them personally. “Lu, chum?" He hissed, trying terribly to sound mellow. But Lucifer's hyper steps had him on the next block, a busy one at that.

 

Alastor starred in disbelief. Even if he yelled it would have been muted. This is not good!

 

Vox was now grinning more manically than ever. “This got good again," He cackled. He sat back, waiting for the drama to unfold. “Time for the Lu-shit-fer to hit the fan!" Val and Velvette groaned.

 

The footage then cut to Husk, who was reading on a couch in the recreation room. "Hey there, pussy, got room for a cute boy?" Husk put his book down and stared at his boyfriend up and down. “Is that-" 

“One ‘a Niffty's maid uniforms? Oh, you betcha." He sat in Husk's lap and winked. "Angel, I love the fuck outta you, but I don't like this roleplay shit, you know that.”

“Oh? And is that a smile ya’ fighting off ya little whiskered face?" 

“No." Angel ignored him wholeheartedly and put a leg over his shoulder. Husk now blushed and gulped. “Oh, now ya’ happy!" Angel smirked. “A-Angel! We're in the fucking foyer!" 

“Yeah, so, Mr. Prude? Ain't no cameras!" 

 

“That's what you think!" Velvette's smirk matched Angel's.

 

“Are you sure?" Husk was having difficulty resisting Angel. “Look, pal, you in this or not? My leg’s startin’ fuckin' cramp.” Husk rolled his eyes but smiled. He put his book down and grabbed Angel by the shoulders until they were face to face. “I mean, if you're offering…” This surprise even caught Angel off guard and made his wide eyes above a blushing face sparkle parallel to Husk's suggestive smirk. “H-Husker… damn…” His mooniness made Husk chuckle. "Boy, you can't stretch your leg but you can pop a boner that's currently scraping my leg? I'm damn impressed.” Unable to make a quick comeback, Angel threw his body on his boyfriend's as a kickback response to the shiver Husk had sent up his spine. They kissed passionately but were quickly interrupted. “Uh, am I interrupting anything, boys?" 

“Charlie!" They spoke in unison and separated, though only Husk seemed embarrassed. Luckily, Charlie's naive nature was apparent at the moment and she didn't grasp what was happening. Angel observed the feather duster in her hand. “Ain't dustin’ Niffty's job, Blondo? ‘Cuz she ain't exactly generous about sharin’ her job.” Charlie was frozen. Husk gasped. “You're putting off talking to Vaggie!" 

“Well… yeah…" 

“That was like an hour ago. Talk. To. Her." Angel nodded toward the door. Charlie sighed. “Yer' right. Thanks, guys." She paused. "But if Niffty's so protective of her duties, why are you wearing one of her uniforms?” Husk buried his head in his hands. I don't know if it's better or worse that she doesn't get this. “Oh, Lord…” Head still in hands, he shook it. "I'm trying out a new style,” Angel replied casually. “Oh! Okay!" Charlie's smile indicated she actually bought it. “Well, I'm gonna go talk with Vaggie. Ooh, I should check on Dad first-" 

“Charlie!" They both rang simultaneously again, but more annoyed. “Right, going!" She concluded sheepishly while walking speedily. 

 

“Pfffft, fucking naive dumbass," Vox snickered.

 

"Where were we?” Husk buzzed in Angel's ear. They began to resume kissing. 

 

Val was at least enjoying it. Vox's patience was getting painfully low, though it was hampered by his case of the sniffles.

 

When they broke apart, Husk cupped Angel's cheek. “But for real, how did you get Niffty to loan you one of ‘er precious maid uniforms?”

"Easy." Angel lay on top of him. “I told her she could watch if she let me borrow it.”

"Wait, fucking what?!” Niffty giggled from one of the vents. 

Chapter 9: Loose-ifer

Summary:

Lucifer escapes and raises, erm, Hell. Everyone watched, and Alastor tries to resolve the matter as his flu symptoms worsen.

Notes:

Even Charlie needs a giggle sometimes. There aren't too many Vee moments in this chapter, but don't worry because I'm not done yet!

Charlie lay with Vaggie, stroking her sick girlfriend's head soothingly. “Thanks, Charlie. That feels soooo nice." Charlie winced at how much effort everything took for Vaggie in her current condition. I hated feeling like this so much I couldn't sit still! She must be miserable. “Just try to sleep, Vaggie, I can tell you feel like shit,” She whispered over the TV in the background. 

 

“Who lies in bed without fucking or sleeping?!" Demanded Valentino. "For real! Like, what else are they for?! And then leaves the TV on for background noise?!” Agreed Vox. “Fucking liberals." Velvette rolled her eyes again. "Both of you are so useless sometimes!”

 

Charlie stroked Vaggie's hair softly and could feel her nodding off. But then, “Charlie?" 

"Yes, sweetie?”

“I'm gonna puke." Charlie backed up. "Oh, fuck, really?!”

"Yeah.” Vaggie gagged. "Fuckin’ Douche Flu spread to my gut.” Charlie picked her up. “We're going to the bathroom!" 

"’We?’”

 

“Ewwww, emetophilia!" Laughed Val. "Ew indeed.” Vox punched his arm. “Quit being gross!" 

 

"Who else is gonna save your snow hair from getting barf on it?”

“My hero." Vaggie smiled through the nausea.

 

Meanwhile

 

Alastor walked briskly down the avenue, looking uselessly for signs of Lucifer. The Flu was by no means helping; he stopped at a street corner and truly felt his symptoms. Niffty's voice echoed in his head. “Boy, Mr. Alastor! The sun was unbearably bright and hot, the everyday city noises and smells were too much, and I felt myself sweating in buckets!” I relate. Her voice returned; “Best day of my afterlife!" He shook his head.

 

A few blocks west it occurred to him, Lucifer is like his daughter! He let a look of smug satisfaction (more than usual) wash over him. He's probably somewhere making a genuine twit of himself, and good old overlord Alastor will come to his rescue! He smugly straightened his bowtie and continued his stroll as he coughed a bit. Charlie will still be happy her dopey daddy is safe, he'll look like a complete fool, and I will get more well-deserved credit! All while stricken with a terrible flu. Ingenious! He turned another corner. Time to look for signs of utter, attention-seeking idiocy!

 

“What's going through that smug, stupid strawberry head?" Vox's tone made Valentino uncomfortable. Reluctant to turn around but too proud to admit so, he decided to mask his discomfort with a joke. “Fuck, Voxxy, don't get excited-" He cut himself off; Vox was anticipating drama so greatly he was chewing his blanket. Val rescinded. Velvette was too out of patience herself. “Fuck, Vox! Unsanitary! I'm not washing that blanket, you slobby bitch!”

“Wait… how're we seeing this anyway?!” Vox interrupted. "I thought the interns put cameras in only the hotel!” 

“And evidently the bag Alastor carries." Velvette nodded at the weird camera angle. Vox's sneer was back. “Brilliant," He growled in delight.

 

Alastor's fever was taking a horrendous toll however. He felt cold, dizzy and detached. Finally, he saw a bus stop with… Lucifer sitting nonchalantly on the bench?!

 

Not what he'd expected, but it made it easier for him. Perhaps in this scenario, it's not like father like daughter!

 

He got closer and… it was a decoy. In fact, there was a note. Nice try, Fail-astor! I saw you following me, now you'll never get to me!

 

Vox was cackling. “Sanctimonious bitch finally got outsmarted!" 

“Easy!" Val growled. “You're getting popcorn on the back of mi cabeza!" 

 

Alastor rolled his eyes. Turning around, he immediately saw Lucifer across the street. In fact, they locked eyes. Lucifer mouthed “Shit!" and peeled. Alastor laughed with condescension. “Fucking idiot," He said aloud as he teleported. 

 

"That laugh!” Shrieked Vox as he began to jump up, then rescind in pain. “Easy, telecito." Val pulled him gently by the arm to sit down. “Yeah, easy," Mimicked Velvette. “You accuse your lady workers of being shrill, now you're one to fucking talk." 

 

Alastor grabbed his head. Shit, teleportation takes energy, which I have little of. Luckily he spotted Lucifer. Fuck, that king of Hell is quick despite the Flu!

 

Lucifer grinned. “I'm free!" He felt an icy hand on his shoulder and heard a voice behind him that made him scowl. "Oh, I wouldn't bet on that, chum!”

 

"Recognize that state of hatred toward Deer Boy.” Val was completely casual. “Huh! Maybe there's hope for Lucifer yet!" Vox slurped his soda.

 

Lucifer was both annoyed and alarmed by Alastor’s surprise appearance. To Alastor's delight, the alarm was showing more. This shall be delightful. He held out his hand. “Come along, Lucifer." 

"Fine. But I'm not your chum.”

“Ha ha! Ditto, that was simply a courtesy term." He paused. “What are you doing here anyway? Didn't you learn anything from your daughter last week?!" 

"I was going to the clinic, okay?!”

“I can tell you just crave fresh air, and being stuck there, fresh ambiance, but you and I both know bedrest is required. Let's go, your Majesty.”

"Ugh, fucking fine! Put me back in a room where I do nothing!” Lucifer's voice was strained, but he made a realization. "Well, I know the hotel didn't send just you to find me, so what the fuck are you doing?” Alastor's eyes widened.

 

As did the Vees’. “Holy shit," Laughed Velvette, staring with anticipation.

 

“Alright, you've got me." Alastor's eyes narrowed in fury. “Ha!" Lucifer laughed in his face. “And here you are trying to make me feel guilty!" 

“Yes, well, I didn't raise the princess who caused a scene, did I? I was simply going to do errands as an overlord. Pardon me for being worried you might fuck up and make a spectacle!" He has Lucifer's negative attention now. “Okay, strawberry irises, maybe Charlie got a little unhinged, but-" 

“But nothing. We're both going home and are going to recover thusly." He cleared his throat which was starting to tingle. I hope this twit doesn't notice my deficits. “Thinking twice, Lucifer, how would Charlie react?" 

 

"Hilariously." The Vees high fived upon agreeing at once.

 

“Look, Alastor, quit using my own daughter against-" Lucifer paused. An image he could never stomach crossed his mind: Charlie with sad eyes with a bubble saying You betrayed me, Dad in it. “Shit, you're right. Teleport us to the hotel." Alastor chuckled. "To disappoint Charlie is something even an angel probably couldn't bear.” Alastor took a deep breath as he turned around, hoping Lucifer wouldn't notice. "Ha! Douche Flu giving you trouble using your overlord powers, Al?” Fuck, he noticed. "Keep laughing, dear. I'm not a literal king in a coat and pajamas.” 

"Wait! A doctor coming out of the clinic!” Lucifer bolted before Alastor could react.

 

The Vees were laughing hysterically at footage of Alastor running after Lucifer with evenore urgency. “Bitch," Laughed Vox before coughing.

 

"Lu!” Growled Alastor, sweating and trying his hardest to avoid a scene. Lucifer was talking to who he presumed was a doctor. "Excuse me, Doctor?” He was exhausted from running. "No, I'm a nurse technician. But are you okay? You're… very sick looking.”

"Yup, I'm sick alright.”

"Lu!” Alastor was literally grabbing his arm. "Leave the pseudo doctor alone!”

"Stop being classist and let me talk.” Lucifer shook him off. "Can you ask the doctor a question for me, nurse?” They squinted. “Are you L- never mind, couldn't be." 

“Nurse." He grabbed their shoulders. “When are you going to find a cure for this stupid fucking flu?!" 

 

For once, the Vees were utterly silent. Vox couldn't even sniffle, he was so shocked. 

 

That voice! Thought the technician. “Oh my gosh. Lucifer Morningstar?!" They whispered. "Sir, this is dangerous! Please report back into quarantine immediately!" Alastor was drenched in sweat. What was causing more, the anxiety or the fever he didn't know.

 

Vox was of course relishing this as Alastor's transparent anxiety reflected in his screen.

 

A teen was walking by, nose in phone when she paused. “Yo, is Lucifer karening out?!" She started to record. Alastor shrugged. I can't harass this child in public, can I? "Fuck this, I'm getting help.”

 

"A straight to the jugular shot to that fuckhead’s ego!” Delighted Vox.

 

Alastor teleported to the hotel, and immediately grabbed his head from dizziness. 

 

Unfortunately, the footage of Lucifer's meltdown was viral. It was indeed being live streamed. “Uh, Charlie?” Vaggie was in bed with her hair pulled back. "Hold on, honey, I've got some peppermint tea for you!” Charlie called from Pen's kitchen.

 

Alastor found his way to the bar and was nearly keeled over with exhaustion.

 

Husk looked up briefly from polishing the bar counter. “Boy, do you look like shit." 

"Pardon?” Even across the room Alastor’s fury echoed and made Husk's skin crawl. He turned around, desperate to stay out of trouble but not risk his dignity. "Sorry. You look like shit, sir. Usually people look like that after leaving the bar." Alastor was seething. "Do watch it, dear. I need your help.” Husk paused. That fucker needs me? He stared at Alastor silently with wide eyes and waited.

 

“Thanks for the tea, Charlie." Vaggie smiled gratefully. “Of course. What's so urgent?" Vaggie gulped and shakily pushed the laptop towards Charlie silently. 

 

“...I mean, I'm sick, people around me are too! Good fuck, do something! Tell the docs to cure Douche Flu faster!”

 

Charlie stared. “Aaaaaah…” She froze completely. Vaggie sucked air through her teeth. “Fuck. This again. Don't worry, Charlie, if you can fuckin’ hear me. I'll get Pen-" 

“No!" 

“Holy shit! That's the first time you've ever snapped out of that state by yourself! Congratulations!" Charlie got back into bed and handed Vaggie her tea. "Well, I'm here to care for you. My dad's the king of Hell. Besides, this might be funny.” 

"Damn, Charlie!”

"What? I'll feel guilty later!” Vaggie couldn't help but laugh.

Husk and Alastor appeared at the scene of the crime. "Shit, how are we gonna get to them?!” Husk growled under his breath then looked at Alastor. "Do you even have an idea?" 

“Have I ever come up short?" 

“Wow, even when you're sick, you're a condescending bitch." 

 

"Amen to that.” Vox slugged some tea.

 

Husk jumped in front of the crowd. "Ladies, enbies and gentlemen, don't you recall last week?" His heart pounded from hatred of public speaking. “The fuck are you doing?!" Hissed Lucifer. “Saving your ass," He grumbled back.

 

“Husk?!" Charlie and Vaggie shared a look. 

 

All anyone viewing could think was, where is Husk going with this?

 

Angel had been watching the report on his phone from his room. “I gotta go, Fat Nuggets! Husk hates public speaking!" He stopped in front of a mirror. “And these legs were made for the limelight!" He grabbed a bag and ran out. 

 

Luckily, Husk did indeed have an idea, though his mouth was dry.

 

Pentagram City was awaiting what came next. 

Chapter 10: A Stereotypical Fucking Showdown

Summary:

Lucifer is on display and everyone is watching. Can the Hazbin gang help? The Vees definitely won't.

Notes:

This is the last hotel footage we see until the epilogue, so enjoy. Stay tuned for Vox being sick and losing his shit even more 🤣

For once, all three Vees were completely silent. They couldn't believe the socially awkward Husk was public speaking.

 

“Remember last week, folks, when some lunatic tried to make out own Princess Morningstar look bad by sending another lunatic to mimic her and go insane?" The crowd muttered in agreement with a few people nodding. Alastor looked at ease.

 

Vox was back to seething over it.

 

What no one knew was that Angel was running down the street and saw the crowd.

 

Back from the Vees' perspective, Husk pointed to Lucifer. “Someone's clearly displeased with the Morningstars, guys. Last week, imposter Princess Charlotte, this week imposter King Lucifer." He shot Lucifer a look. “Right? You're fake?" He provoked through his teeth. Unfortunately, Lucifer's fever brain got the best of him. “How dare you! I'm Lucifer for sure, kitty!"

 

“Dad… why…." Charlie smacked her forehead. “Vaggie, I might hafta do something.”

"I understand, but Husk may have a point!”

 

"What the shit are you doing?!” Husk snarled. “How many fever-ridden people do I hafta care for this month?! Fuck!” Lucifer drowned him out. "I can prove it! Y'all know my daughter Charlie?”

 

“Uhhhhhh…” Charlie felt a cringe coming on.

 

“When she was eleven, so full of adorableness, she still slept with a plushie! Not to mention her huge crush on Verosika Mayday!" 

 

Charlie retreated into a ball and moaned. 

 

“As a cis man I couldn't help her at puberty of course." 

 

Vaggie rubbed Charlie's back for support.

 

"She begged me for a training bra-” Husk failed to cover Lucifer's mouth. "Stop, Husker! So begged me for a bra, even though she hadn't developed breasts!” He giggled. “So cute… in her defense, she'd just started her period at a Sinsmas party days prior! On Sinsmas!”

 

Vaggie chuckled. "What the fuck, Vaggie?!” Charlie shot her a look. “What?! Now I'm not the only one with a publicized period!" She gently punched Charlie's shoulder. “Sorry, honey. That's karma." Charlie's look indicated wild disagreement.

 

"Shut up, you pint sized mother fucker!" Husk literally jumped on top of Lucifer to make him quiet. 

 

Alastor watched with delight and chose not to intervene.

 

“Wait!" Boomed… Lucifer's voice from several feet away?! "What the fuck?!” The whole crowd exclaimed, no one louder than sickly, short, but angry Lucifer.

 

"Angel,” Noted Vaggie and Charlie, staring at each other.

 

‘Lucifer’ got closer, having fooled everyone but his boyfriend. "Angel?” He whispered so quietly nobody had heard. "Wanna explain while everyone's distracted and chattering?”

“Husk, I'm an actor." 

“Yeah, a fuckin' porn actor." 

“Don't be a bitch. Look, Lulu here ain't one ‘a my tougher roles.” Husk raised an eyebrow. Angel sighed in defeat. “Ya hate public speaking and I wanted to save your ass for once.” Husk blushed at Angel's genuinely kind face. "Thanks, Angel. Take it away.” Lucifer scowled. "What the fuck are you-” Alastor managed to extend a tentacle and shut his mouth followed by pulling him closer. "Do shut the fuck up, dear. While it would be funny to see you publicly humiliate yourself, I care for Charlie's feelings and want to see them protected. Sound good?”

 

"Bitch," Vox threw his head back dramatically and fake gagged.

 

Alastor pulled him closer. “I said, sound good?!" Lucifer nodded rapidly.

 

"This man is definitely an imposter,” ‘Lucifer’ stated with certainty. “I am not that loud and uncoordinated…”

"Hey!” Lucifer accused through a tentacled mouth. "And I would never disclose such private information. I mean, have I let you fine folks down before?” The crowd muttered, agreeing with him. “But wait!" Barked a bystander. “Aren't you like, mondo sick? ‘Cuz that crazy guy you're accusing of faking totally has Douche Flu." The crowd glared skeptically at Angel, who began to sweat. "I, uh… I…" He gulped. Husk wanted desperately to grab his hand and soothe him as usual, but knew he couldn't.

 

“Ha! Shit’s hilarious!" Valentino did a mini clap. "No arguments there,” Laughed Velvette.

 

"Hey! What's happening here?!” Everyone whipped their heads. "Niffty!” Everyone shrieked and dispersed. 

 

“How does everyone know her?!" Vaggie shook her head. Charlie shrugged. “What she does in her spare time isn't my business. Also, I don't wanna fucking know." 

 

All who were left standing were confused. Not that Alastor smothering Lucifer and Angel dressed like him made a great deal of sense to her. "What?!” She demanded. "I like this neighborhood, it's dangerous and there's lots of broken glass!” She looked around and stared at Lucifer and Alastor. "You two are supposed to be in bed! Mr. Alastor, let him go!”

"Anything for you, dear.” He dropped Lucifer. "Ow! My fucking ankle! You couldn't have lowered me first?”

"Mm, no.”

"Fuck you.”

"Lucifer! Bed!" Barked Niffty. “Excuse me, ma'am, but I am literally the king of Hell! Who are you to give me such harsh orders?!” She held up a piece of broken glass she happened to be holding. "Back to bed!” 

"Allow me.” With a snap of his fingers Alastor transported him.

 

"Thank fuck,” Sighed Charlie, hugging Vaggie with relief.

 

Lucifer was transported into his bed. Gotta give it to the red bitch, he's thorough! In my own room? Maybe Alastor is useful! He yawned. Okay, I owe it to my daughter to rest, but fuck, I'm sick of sleeping! 

 

He was out cold by the time he pulled up all of his covers. 

 

Alastor began to sweat a bit. He couldn't stomach Niffty's disappointment, let alone him causing it. “Sir." Her voice was soft but stern. “Uh, we better go." Angel elbowed Husk. “Agreed. Besides…" He ran his middle and index up Angel's arm. “You saving my ass and impersonating Lucifer is fucking hot. I need you.” Once again, Angel turned crimson and gulped. "You got it, pussy,” He finally managed as they walked hand in hand.

 

"Get to the fucking conflict!” Vox ached too much to do anything other than growl. "Calm your titties, telecito. It's about to happen.” Val squeezed his hand. "My titties are calm, thank you.”

"Really? They look pretty vibrant to me.”

 

Alastor cleared his throat.

 

Vaggie and Charlie gasped. “Alastor's gonna be bitch slapped!" Vaggie didn't even blink.

 

"You… snuck out, Mr. Alastor. You said you'd stay in bed!” To his alarm, she cried. "This hurts in a bad way!” 

"Aw, Ms. Niffty." He picked her up. “I didn't know how much this would upset you. I promise to never hurt you again. I, like you, had a moment of weakness now seeing how hard staying quarantined is. But unlike you, it was only one moment of weakness. Even overlords have them, dear." She looked at him and blinked a few tears away, but still said nothing. “I'll stay in bed and you can care for me however you see fit. I truly do feel awful, physically. But nothing lives up to the mental pain I feel from disappointing you."

 

"Fuck, he's soft!” Velvette shook her head.

 

“Sir… if you promise to one more day of rest, would you like to clean with me to keep busy? You still can't be overlordish, but I promise it'll be fun!”

"You'd-" He sneezed. “You'd share your beloved cleaning duties just to keep me happy?" 

“Sir, it'd be a dream!" They shook on it.

 

"Aw! Look how cute, Vaggie!”

"I was gonna say 'creepy,' but you do you, sweetie.”

 

Vox was open-mouthed, but his cheeks were turning from sickly pink to cherry red from fury. He couldn't speak. “M-maybe there's more!” Valentino’s outburst was more of a wish than actual certainty. "Velvette?!”

 

Unfortunately, there was little footage left;

 

Heart to hearts with Charlie, Vaggie and Lucifer.

 

Sir Pentious and Lucifer gaming.

 

Alastor fucking with Lucifer.

 

Charlie hosting a meeting.

 

Angel and Husk foreplay (Val decided to save that for later.)

Sir Pentious crying.

Finally, they stopped at Alastor. Niffty fastened his new bow tie. “Ready, Sir?" 

"Show me the way!”

 

Vacuuming, dusting, killing bugs… Alastor loved it all. 

 

It ended the footage.

 

Vox. Was. ANGRY.

 

Chapter 11: Vox it to Me

Summary:

Vox being a bitch leads to trouble. Roll credits 🤣

Notes:

Last chapter before the epilogue! Embrace the chaos and see you soon! 💓

“That's it?" Vox's voice was alarmingly flat, and the other Vees were privately terrified. “Telecito…” Val offered his hand. "We sat here all fucking day and Alastor is HAPPY?!” 

"You're glitching!” Velvette fretted. "Yeah! And Alastor is still sick, plus we got other really useful-” Val was literally sweating.

"That fUuUuUuUcking-” His whole screen went as red as his cheeks then went black. "Fuck. Well, you're banging him. What do we do?” Velvette nodded to Valentino. He rubbed his chin. "Well…" 

 

They put him, pajamas and all, in a cool shower. “And what exactly will this accomplish?" Velvette didn't like touching her sick coworker. “This is fuckin' weird." 

“Mi amorcito is still hot! It's hard to tell what's technical and what's not. So, let's cool the fever first.” 

 

At that moment, Niffty was explaining the importance of sweeping before mopping to Alastor. "If the filth does didn't heed the warning to get out of our tranquil hotel, it will get its instant revenge when we surprise it with a mop!" She laughed maniacally. “Plus, this cleaner is citrus scented, Charlie's favorite!”

"You certainly have a unique perspective." Alastor coughed in his mask. “And there's no cleaner hotel in all of Hell." She beamed at his approval.

 

"Oh look, Alastor is here!” Velvette said loudly. Vox was propped on a chair in the kitchen. "Wearing a Vox Sux Batteries shirt!” Added Val desperately when Vox didn't respond. “Well, we may be fucked." Velvette started filing her nails.

 

Lucifer was fast asleep and snoring. Pen and the Egg Bois sat reading on the other side of the room. “Think he's dead, boss?" Whispered an Egg Boi. "Impossssible. I'm in charge of monitoring my good friend Lucy, and I'd know if he was deceased or not!” Lucifer snorted. "So cute.” Sir Pentious beamed.

 

"Wake up, mother fucker!” Velvette literally shrieked in Vox's face to no avail. "Okay, you've been at that for five minutes, and you're getting spit on him.” Val pulled her away.

 

Angel and Husk were tonguing in bed, Angel still dressed as Lucifer. They backed up. “You want me to dress like this everyday, Husk? Trade in the boots and skirt for whatever this closet twink is wearin’?” Husk chuckled in a sultry way that made Angel feel like fireworks were in his chest. “I dunno, Angel. This is a fun roleplay but I like your look. Maybe wear these as pajamas every night?" They both giggled like high schoolers and resumed kissing. Husk pushed Angel down to the bed softly but still enough to knock ‘Lucifer’s' hat clean off.

 

Val was giving Vox a lap dance in hopes “arousal would wake him up." Velvette scoffed. “This isn't working and it's grossing me the fuck out. Can we try something that isn't fueling some fucking necrophilia kink you have?”

 

Lastly, Charlie carried Vaggie to their room. "Welcome home, Vaggie. I've missed you!” Charlie was blushing. 

 

“Okay. I have one last thing we can try. Clearly the problem ain't the non-technical part of him." Val threw Vox over one shoulder and carried him out of the room.

 

“You're hooking him up to the TV?!" Velvette was understandably confused by what she was witnessing. “Yup." It then occurred to him Velvette hadn't witnessed this before. "Look, Vel, the problem's technical. We just gotta charge ‘is screen.” 

 

His screen would have stayed permanently blank if he'd seen Alastor settling down and surrounded by candles as Niffty quietly cleaned around him. The radio sang Nurse with Wound sounding music, which calmed them both. "Thanks for teaching me to clean, dear." 

"Of course, sir! Get some rest, you're a natural!"

 

After a few minutes, Vox’s screen began to glow. Velvette and Val high-fived. Unfortunately as Vox booted, there was a power surge. “Oh shit!” Velvette and Valentino panicked in unison. "His screen is doing… something," Reported Velvette. The pair flinched hearing unidentifiable noises from Vox. Finally, his face appeared. "Telecito!” Valentino didn't care that he was showing emotion, he was happy to have his fuck buddy safe. “That fucking cunt gets a happy ending?!" Vox shrieked. “Ow, my throat still hurts. But Alastor gets what he wants?! That easily?!" 

“Damn, that was a quick recovery." Velvette was secretly happy he was alright. “Good to have ya back, Wire Butt." Vox then let out a booming ZAP! Valentino and Velvette both jumped and looked at each other, stunned. “Vox?..." Valentino touched his shoulder after a seemingly long moment. The last thing he expected to hear was an Egg Boi ask, “What's a movie?" 

“The fuck?!" Velvette faced him and stared at the screen. Then proceeded to get sneezed on. She was then welcomed by Lucifer's face on the monitor; “Boy, Penny. Your concern for me is incomparable." 

“Oh no." Vox appeared again. “I have no control!" 

 

Meanwhile

 

Charlie poked her head in the bar. "So, got your phone handy, Husk?” He smiled and nodded. "If Vaggie needs anything, especially and preferably booze, she can reach out. Good luck soliciting.” She smiled and gave a thumbs up.

 

“I'm gonna kill that cherry fuck! Right fucking now!" 

“Telecito, no!" Unfortunately Charlie has taken over: “-Vaggie’s… kinda mad at me right now.”

"How did he fuse with the damn drive?!” Val scratched his head as Vox got control back and screamed. "Tech is complicated, let alone with the world's most poorly timed fucking power surge!” Velvette smacked her forehead. Within this time, “It does appear to be a head cold, and golly, I'm exhausted." 

“Now he's taking over?!" Vox shrieked. “That stupid deer! I'm gonna take him down!" 

“Please reconsider, Vox." Val's voice was beginning to waver. “Your fever is back, you're shivering and you literally ain't in your right mind!” Alastor reappeared for a perfectly timed, “Fucking idiot." Vox screamed and bolted from the apartment.

 

He immediately hailed a taxi and got in, seething.

 

Valentino and Velvette missed him. “Dumb bitch is in his pajamas!" Velvette groaned. Val thought for a moment. “Maybe we let him fuck this up for himself. With enough coaxing to the public, we can convince those sheep we knew nothing about it and keep him under hiatus for a while, wait ‘til Princess Morningsuck makes headlines, and Vox’s fifteen minutes of stupid fame are up!” 

“While that does sound probable and admittedly hilarious, Vox running around making an ass of himself in pajamas again isn't the real issue.”

"Oh, yeah. The footage. Oh shit! The footage!” They began to run after the taxi.

 

“So, you're the overlord Vox!" The taxi driver smiled up front. “Sorry, I've never met an overlord before! I'm so starstruck!" 

“Well, thanks, I-" Alastor took over. “Anything for you, dear." 

“Wow, you showed me Alastor?! You're so nice, not at all what I pictured if you don't mind me noting!" She grinned and continued driving. Vox spent his split second of control seething.

 

Velvette and Valentino were struggling to keep up. “Can't we do the stupid screwball comedy thing and get our own cab, ask them to chase his cab?" Velvette smeared lipstick on to keep up her appearance. "Nah, I tried that with mi arañito," Val huffed. "Dumbass cabbies say it's illegal.”

"Shit! They're turning!”

"And the stupid crosswalk is letting the traffic go!”

"Bitch, fuck that! We're the Vees! Watch.” Sure enough, she strutted across the street and literally stopped traffic. Val whistled, impressed. "Okay, my turn!” He not only got away scott free twerking across the street, the drivers were his new cheerleaders.

 

Charlie saw him across the street as she sang loudly and gave out pamphlets. “The finest hotel in… HEEEEEEELLLLL- ew, Valentino. Well, my singing appetite is dead. May as well go back to the hotel.”

 

Unfortunately for her, Vox was about to pull up to the hotel too.

 

Velvette and Val lost sight of the taxi. “Dammit!" Valentino panted. “Vel, how do we get to Haz-barf?”

"I thought you knew! That stupid sap sanctuary doesn't cross my mind everyday, unlike you and Vox.” Val shot her a look as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Well, thank Satan for GPS then.”

 

"Well, thanks again for being the best cab client ever!” The driver waved one last time before Vox entered the hotel. "Ssssuch good friendship,” Pen said at the last moment on the screen. The driver gushed and drove off. Vox screamed in frustration and stormed into the hotel.

 

Alastor wasn't at the front desk, and not having the common sense to be quiet, Vox screamed in frustration. “Where the fuck are you, you carcass munching wuss?" His voice echoed in the foyer. "Excuse you?!” He turned around to see Charlie standing across the room, furious. To his surprise she walked over to him and poked his chest. "Ow!” He winced. "My body's still sore, you bitch!”

"You, a cis man, did not just call Princess Ms. Morningstar a bitch!” Niffty jumped on him and punched his monitor repeatedly. "Ow! Dammit!” He sneezed. "Aw, your sneeze is adorable!” Niffty admitted from atop his shoulders. "Is not!” He screamed. Charlie instinctively grabbed Niffty and held her tightly. "Niffty! Careful!” 

"Why? It was just getting dangerous!” Vox's monitor was glitching again and making an awful whining noise. Then it turned black and turned off completely. “Oh boy." Charlie broke into a sweat and wiped her forehead. “Fuck. I hope he doesn't sue.” She tugged at her collar and Niffty laughed at Vox's misfortune. The two remaining Vees practically burst into the foyer. “Where the fuck is he?!" 

“Niffty," Charlie said softly but dripping with desperation. “On it, boss!" Niffty pushed Vox before Velvette and Val were in eyeshot. 

 

Vox was promptly tossed into a broom closet. “Sexist asshole," She whispered before closing the door quietly.

 

Unfortunately, moments ago, Angel made his way downstairs. A day off made him want to spend time in the bar… with Husk. He strolled with flowers in hand pink as his cheeks.

 

He paused getting off the elevator. Valentino's booming, “Where the fuck is he?!" sent shivers up his spine and cold sweat on his forehead as quickly as it killed his moony feeling. Gasping, he ran.

 

Husk cleaned a glass (likely Angel's) when the spider himself came stampeding in. “Husk!" He yelped. Not understanding Angel's mood yet, Husk chuckled and put the glass down. “Damn, Angel. I've never seen you this eager to come to the bar, and that's saying something-" He looked up and saw Angel's desperate eyes, widened with fear. “Angel! You're fucking shaking!" He grabbed Angel's hands. “What the fuck happened?" 

“V-Val! He's here!" Husk ran out from behind the bar and held him. “I heard ‘im ask where the fuck someone was, it's gotta be me!" He hugged Husk tightly. “I don't regret ditching him last week for a second, but he wasn't bluffin’ when he told me he'd work me to the boner!" 

"Uh, ‘bone.’”

"Not with Val it ain't!” He began to sob uncontrollably into his boyfriend's shoulder. “Please, Husk, help me!" He finally managed through sobs. "Please…" Husk rubbed his back softly. "I can't take no more abuse, Husk!” Husk went from sympathy to anger. "I'll kick that mother fucker’s ass. I've got you, Angel.” He gently separated himself. "Wait right here.”

"N-no!” Husk turned back around. "I ain't heard him that elevated in a long time, I don't wanna be alone, and I don't want no one else to see me like this!” He wiped his eyes. "Can I hide here with you? Please, Husker!” Husk noted how soft and ashamed his voice sounded. Angel Dust was begging. He needs me. "Sure, Angel. And if that roach fucker comes in here, I will handle it myself.” He kissed Angel's cheek again. "Love you. You're safe now.”

"Love you too.” Angel walked behind the bar, elated. “And you use roach fucker like an insult, but he does fuck roaches." 

"Gross. And don't think just because I'm harboring your ass in my bar means unlimited free booze!”

"Oh, fuck off!” They shared a laughed, Angel looking at Husk with gratitude and love. They took each other hands.

 

Charlie was literally shaking. No wonder Angel's so scared of this guy! He's a fucking loon! She swallowed. “Who?" She heard Niffty scurrying back which made her sigh quietly with relief. "Your stupid TV pal?” The stress came back. “Niffty!" She barked through gritted teeth. To both their alarm, the remaining Vees laughed. "I mean, he is stupid.” Velvette shook her head with a smile. “But seriously, where the fuck is he? He get to Alastor yet?" Charlie sweat and stammered. I hate to lie, but the Vees are actually terrifying! Her eyes darted to Valentino, who looked more manic than ever. She gulped.

 

Unfortunately, Vox began to buzz and come back to life. With a brief flash of Sir Pentious’ face, his own face appeared. “Why the fuck am I in a supply closet without someone blowing me?" He let out a few coughs, and a tiny sneeze. This shit ain't helping my cold! He opened the door and burst out. Where are you, Cherry Tomato?! He then let out three little sneezes. “Fucking cold!" He muttered as he skulked off.

 

Velvette was poking Charlie's chest. “Look, we don't want any trouble. At the moment. Just give us our manic, fever-ridden coworker back so we can continue to keep our reputation clean…ish.”

"B-but I don't know-”

"She don't know nothin’, Velvette.” Val snorted and looked her in the eye with teasing malice as he spoke. "Of course the shittiest hotel manager in Hell, let alone one with no real guests, don't know what her staff’s up to." Charlie's eyes began to well. "Hey!” Velvette let out a brief, piercingly loud laugh. "Oh, did you hurt baby's feelings?” She shoved Charlie to the floor, making her yelp. 

 

“What was that?" Angel stood up. “That ain't good," Husk said softly, trying to keep a low profile. “Fuck, Velvette, I had a pen in my back pocket! That hurts!" They looked at each other expressionless upon hearing Charlie cry. “We gotta do something." Angel was still without a readable expression but Husk knew at this point when his boyfriend was beyond pissed. “Wasn't it your idea to lie low?" Husk was sure to speak kindly so Angel knew he wasn't condescending to him. “You expect Charlie to fight for herself?" Angel raised an eyebrow. “The three of us can take them. Together. I ain't letting Charlie suffer for me." Angel held out his hand to invite Husk to clasp it in union. “Let's do this." Husk took Angel's hand bravely and they smiled at each other as they walked off to take on the Vees.

 

Vox tapped his foot in the elevator. Good thing ol’ Bambi ain't too private about his room. He snickered aloud. Dumbass. Bet he’s plotting something real stupid right now!

 

Alastor was in an old fashioned night cap and gown, asleep under covers having been lulled by discordant violins on the radio next to his bed.

 

Vox didn't know what Alastor was doing, but as usual, the very thought of him was enough to trigger a heated face and gritted teeth. Or was the hot face from the fever that was getting worse but he refused to acknowledge? He rested his eyes and Charlie flashed across his screen. “Vaggie, I love you so much!" He snapped out of it. I close my eyes for two minutes and that cunt shows up?! I gotta get this drive out of me…

 

“Hey!" The Vees whipped their heads hearing Angel bark and storm towards them. “The fuck do you want?" Husk got in Velvette's face. "Piss off, tuna breath!”

“You want me, Valentino, you got me." Angel spread his arms out. “But you better both leave Charlie the fuck alone." Val's eyes widened. “You got the day off, arãna. What an ego! I'm not here for you!" He pushed Angel harshly and Charlie caught him before he fell. “They want Vox, but I don't know where he is!" Husk started laughing. "You don't know where your shark TV boy is? Can't you just track him or something?”

"I bet he's tryin’ to find Alastor's room!” Angel snorted. "Yeah, we'll help ya look so you can all get the fuck outta here on my day off.” 

"Uh… ‘kay." Charlie sweated and hoped no one could sense her anxiety.

 

Vox woke up from quiet snoring when the elevator dinged. “Huh?" He coughed a bit and wiped spare drool from his lip. “Shit. I was out." He stumbled off the elevator and immediately saw someone he hadn't expected; Sir Pentious. “What the ssssshit are you doing here, freaky TV shark hybrid abomination?!" 

 

While the others formed a group, Charlie used the opportunity to text Niffty to come back.

 

Vox was frozen but seemingly softened when he recalled who he was talking to. “Scram, traitor," He barked at Pen. “I'm not here for your traitorous ass, and you're not fuckin’ worth it anyway." He brushed past him, but Pen grabbed him. Vox felt a trickle of dread, knowing he wouldn't be in control for long and his cover would be blown. The Vees would be in trouble, and Vox would have to actually admit it was his fault. The idea made him shiver. “Look, serpent boy, I-" 

“Woo! We are the best fucking gamers, Penny!" Lucifer cut him off on his own monitor. Pen gasped. “That was a private gaming moment between the ruthlesssss King Lucifer and I!" 

 

Lucifer at that moment was snoring in bed and cuddling a huge purple octopus plush. “That's my top hat," He giggled in his sleep, kicking slightly.

 

“You have private footage, Vox?!" Surprisingly strong, Pen rammed him into the wall. “Ow…” Vox started whimpering. "I have body aches from the Douche Flu, ya slithery little asshole…” Even talking hurt. "How much of thissss illegal footage is there?!”

"I don't hafta tell you shit, slith-” Pen slapped him. "Fine! There was only one drive but it's damaged at my apartment. Some stupid power surge fused it with me, and before I reboot it out of my system I'm gonna kill that fucking deer! Let me go!” 

"You're not even in that tight of a grip, wusssss.” He did tighten it. “Tell me everything. Now." 

 

"Yes, Ms. Princess Morningstar?” Niffty stood obediently at Charlie's side. Charlie gestured to her to speak quietly so the matter remained private. “What did you do with Vox? Everyone’s looking!" Her whispered voice spasmed with urgency. “Just the supply closet." She led her.

 

“He's not here, Niffty!" Her voice was practically a squeak. “Yeah! Killer on the loose!" Niffty continued to speak quietly but danced for joy a bit. “I hope he's got a weapon!" 

 

"What the fuck is going on, chums?” Alastor stepped out of his room. "Ah. Vox again. Not today, dear, I'm too sickly.”

"Alasssstor, no questions asked, reboot him! Now! I'll keep him in a grip!” Alastor yawned. "If it will get this shrill shark reject out of my sight, gladly.” He extended a tentacle. "Fuck you both-” But Vox was being rebooted. "What's this all about, Pentious?” 

"Uh…” This is a hard call! Do I tell my friends their privacy has been invaded for a week?! Honessssty is Charlie's favorite, but… I can't make my only friends paranoid. “He wanted to kill you," He said flatly with wide and unblinking eyes. “Ah, you're new here, dear. Trust me, it's normal. I appreciate your unwarranted loyalty to myself, but I can handle it.” He patted his head. "Good chap. Go do Sir Pentious things, I need a rest." 

“But wait! Wait about-" With a snap of Alastor's fingers, Vox was teleported. “Wh-where did he-" 

“In the morrow, Sir Pentious." Alastor shut the door without another word and yawned.

 

Charlie was pacing, which Niffty was not so privately enjoying. “What the fuck are we gonna-" Everyone's attention was grabbed hearing Vox's signature scream. “Why am I in a closet full of dead rodents and trash?!" 

"My private closet,” Giggled Niffty. Then she looked annoyed. "Get outta there, it's for me and sometimes Mr. Alastor!”

 

The Vees had Vox, now asleep in Valentino's arms. “Thanks again." Velvette's reluctance was transparent. "Of course!” Charlie was more optimistic. “Maybe we can-" 

“Nope." Val closed the door. Charlie's eyes widened in astonishment. “Well… I'm gonna check on Vaggie, I guess.”

"I owe Mr. Alastor a visit!” Niffty scrambled for the stairs. Husk and Angel were already making out. Charlie smiled uncomfortably. "Uh… you boys do you." 

 

Later

 

The moon shone over Pentagram City.

 

Vaggie was still asleep as Charlie stroked her hair. Her phone dinged with a notification: New Vaccination for word we can't post Flu now available!

 

Husk held Fat Nuggets as he and Angel toasted with red wine in bed.

 

Lucifer was still asleep himself. He kicked a pillow aside. “Stupid cannibal, quit trying to eat my shoe…”

 

Niffty sat at Alastor's bedside and read Salem's Lot as a bedtime story. They shared a laugh and he patted her head.

 

Sir Pentious looked out of his window, still unsure of if he'd made the right decision. He thought of Lucifer and smiled. I did the right thing. “Hey boss, read us a story!" Called a Boi from the bedroom. He shook his head and chuckled. “Okay, I'm coming. Ssssshut the fuck up!" 

 

And Vox was being tucked into bed by Val. "Ready?" Velvette called from the other room. “Yup!" He turned off the light switch. “Let's watch the snake and Lucifer play games!" 

 

Stay tuned for the epilogue!

Chapter 12: Epilogue: Hellish Revenge

Summary:

Alastor pries the truth (easily) out of Sir Pentious and the Vees watch Lucifer fail at videogames.

Notes:

I've said all that needs to be said, so a thanks to RipleyToo and kitty5327 for making this fic possible and all their support, plus JacksFandomRandom239 for their kind words! And to all those who left kudos of course! Again, my next story will be "Helluva Boss," but there will indeed be more "Hazbin" stuff in the future. If you have ideas/requests for either, feel free to reach out!

“Mmm… what time is it?” Vox sniffled and struggled to open his heavy eyes. I feel like crap… What happened?! With dreary eyes, he looked at the digital clock attached to the TV in his bedroom. 9:52 AM. It's fuckin' morning?!

 

He heard laughter and walked into the living room, sniffling with sleepy eyes and wrapped in a blanket accompanied by his money robe. Velvette and Valentino were cackling on the couch. “Hey, mi telecito!" 

"You're up!” Velvette moved over. "Join us, bitch! Though you do look like crap." Vox blushed a bit being like this in front of Velvette and sheepishly sat down. Val paused the video. “So, how ya feeling?" 

"Shitty by the look of it.” Velvette crossed her leg casually. Now Vox's cheeks were pink with anger. "Uh, what the fuck happened?! I feel worse than before!" He flopped on the couch and moaned again. “Ow…”

"What's the last thing you remember?” Val patted his shoulder. "I remember going to the cavity-inducing hotel to kick Deer Boy's ass, getting beaten and rebooted, and waking up in some repulsive closet. Without you fucking me in it, might I add!” He shivered. “Dammit, I'm cold!" 

"Nothing else?” Velvette raised an eyebrow. Vox shook his head. She sighed. "We took your stampeding ass to a doc, you were given multiple shots ‘cuz you decided to play in that short twit's closet. They saved you, but the immediate contact with carcasses gave you a worse cold than before. Ya relapsed." She patted his head. Val added, “You were doped up on meds, amorcito! You slept the whole car ride home and ain't woken up ‘til now! Hungry?” Vox smiled. “For waffles, fuck yes." 

"Done.” Val got up from the couch. "Don't start the footage without me!” He called from the kitchen.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Sir Pentious was in the foyer with his Egg Bois by his side. “Okay, folkssss, time to play chesssss in the park!” The Bois jumped for joy and cheered. "Oh, Sir Pentious?” Came a familiar voice. He turned around. “Overlord Alasssstor! Wanna come to the park?”

"Sure.” He tilted his head. "We must speak anyway." 

 

“What footage are you two watching that's so fucking funny?" Vox bit into a waffle, getting syrup on his lip. “Lucifer and that traitorous-ass snake gaming was hilarious!” Laughed Velvette. "Let's start from the beginning!" 

 

Hellions Don't wear Ties

 

"How much do you know about gaming, Luccccy?”

"Uh, Pen, I admire your concern and am flattered, but I am literally Lord Lucifer, I can do it!” He tilted his head with pursed lips, confused. "How come we can't pick out characters yet?”

"You hafta presssss sssstart, pal." 

“Okay, so I suck at gaming." 

“I could tell. You chose the world's crappiessst game." 

“Oh, leave me alone!" He nudged Pen playfully and they both laughed.

 

The Egg Bois spun on the playground carousel in the park.

 

Sir Pentious sat at the table, a bit nervous to be playing chess with an overlord. Alastor stirred a spoon in a cup of tea he was holding. “Where did you even get that?!" Pen was understandably confused. “Nevermind. Is there ssssomething wrong?” He swallowed. "You didn't come to play chesssss with me, did you?”

"On the nose, dear boy.” Alastor sipped his seemingly magic tea. He saw Pen quivering a bit before he gulped. Alastor of course loved the weakness and anxiety in someone he viewed as inferior to him but decided to push forward. "Relax, Sir Pentious, you're not in trouble.” Now, anyway. "Okay.” Pen sat up a bit as relief freed his chest from feeling crushed. "Ssso what'ssss up?” Alastor's smile turned wicked. "What really happened yesterday with the Vees? Vox in particular?”

 

The Vees were currently laughing at Lucifer's awful gaming skills.

 

“So this is like, a romcom videogame?" Lucifer slurped a soda. "Yup. Pretty weird. And pretty bad.” Pen rolled his eyes. "Ooh! Collect that power up!”

"Which one?! I'm dealing with a lot here, Penny!”

“Fuck, you missssed it!" 

“Son of a dick! By the way, should I really be drinking soda other than ginger ale when I have the Flu?" 

“Probably not, but it's gaming tradition, probably. It's almost over anyway!" 

"Good fuck, I hope so. This is lame.”

 

Vox was chuckling as he wrapped himself tighter in his blanket. "Okay, this is pretty damn funny.” 

"Told you!” Valentino squeezed his shoulder. "The snake does have a purpose, he's a fuckin’ legend of comedia!”

 

“I, uh… what?” Alastor's intensity was making Sir Pentious's fear more heightened than it needed to be. "Come now, my boy.” Alastor sipped his mystery tea. "You of all people know the Vees are no threat, and you've been a guest of the hotel long enough to know Vox is trying to attack me several times a week. What were you hiding, really?” Pen truly didn't want to spill the secret, but Alastor made him more uncomfortable than harboring any secret did. So, he opened his mouth to speak.

 

“Ooh, what's this game, Pen? This is way better!" 

“Uh… Tetrisss." 

“Cool!" 

 

"He don't know Tetris?!” Valentino was howling. "That boy is worse than a boomer, he's like Al…” Velvette shook her head rapidly so he wouldn't use the a-word around Vox, especially when he was calm. “...Allll the older generations who don't know shit about gaming!" Velvette smirked. "Nice save.” Vox thankfully failed to notice. The all made the same expression though hearing another voice join in. “Sir Pentious! This is not how I meant when I told you to look after my father!" 

“Ew, her!" Vox sipped hot chocolate from his Fuck Alastor mug.

 

“Ssssorry, Charlie.” Pen hung his head. “And Dad, you are a grown-ass adult! You're risking your health for fucking videogames?!”

"Dramatic much, sweetie?” Lucifer didn't look from the screen. She groaned. “Y’know, you-" 

 

"FAST FORWARD!” It was once again unanimous.

 

Alastor's eyes narrowed as Pen wrapped up his tale. "...Ssso, uh, I just wanted you to feel reserved, you ssssee why I chose not to tell you and the others?” 

"I understand. And I agree; let's not tell the others.” Alastor sipped his tea. "Okay. Ummm, if you don't mind me ssssaying ssso, you don't ssseem… well…”

"Receptive? I'm not phased, dear. I'm used to not having privacy as an overlord.” Pen rolled his eyes. "Was there more?”

"Yes, actually. Collect your Egg Bois toand follow me. Consider this an outing between two gentlemen who love their home.”

 

"Guitar hero?! Huh, that sounds awesome! Lucifer with a guitar!” He smiled. “Here we go! Penny, you press the white tab, I got the colorful buttons!”

"Do you have any idea-”

"Meh, I'll learn. Ooh! Shout at the Devil? Rude!”

"It's the easiesssst ssssong. Deal with it." 

“I mean, I understand people hate me, but like, no need to give me a fuckin' ear infection- oh shit, the song started!" 

“Yesss! Play, dammit!" Even Charlie was watching from across the room. 

 

“Are we really watching that bitch watch those bitches?” Val pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yup. Everyone has off days, babe.” With a sneeze, Vox patted his shoulder this time. To all their shock, three tentacles came shooting through the front door, one purposefully knocking the TV over. “ALASTOR!" They all shrieked. “Quite right," Came Alastor's calm voice. "And Ssssir Pentioussss with Egg Bois, bitches! Bitches and Velvette, I'm no chauvinist.” They all entered the apartment as the Egg Bois tripped over some rubble. Before the Vees could react, Alastor pinned them upside down against a wall… upside-down. He made sure to squeeze Vox extra tight. “If you ninnies try to spy on us, call Charlie a b-word or something this stupid again it will be the last thing you do. Let me destroying the footage rather than turn it to the law serve as a warning.” He got more sinister as he spoke. The Bois hugged Pentious, who was also shaking. “That'ssss right!" He added as he attempted to sound brave. Valentino peeked at Vox. Even at his most terrified and sick, he began to see the light on his eye; the one that not only hated Alastor but wanted to take him down. Mi Voxito is back!