Chapter Text
Seth Gordon dies in an accident of all things.
It is not an overdose, but a hit and run. He’d been T boned by another driver, one who left without stopping to survey the damage. That neat little excuse does not explain why he had been in a car alone despite going out with his friends. It does not explain why he had been speeding down the road that led home.
Andrew stands silent sentry beside Neil’s shoulder. His head bows as he lights a cigarette, the orange glow making him look gilded before the flame douses and the lighter is tucked safely away. He takes a slow drag. Neil looks back to the pavement.
Wymack had sent the news out early Sunday morning, with a non optional demand for them all to come back to Palmetto from wherever they had scattered to. At a crisp 2pm, the five of them are officially late to their 1:45 meeting.
Nicky grimaces, crouched on the curb. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
Aaron, much like Andrew, has been largely silent since the news broke. He hadn’t been this quiet last time, but Neil thinks this new death might be dredging up memories of his mother. He has not looked at his brother since they left Columbia.
“You can.” Kevin says. He’d be a surprising source of comfort if he didn’t sound so apathetic. “When we practise tomorrow there won’t be any time to talk about it. We just need to put up with today.”
“Put up with.” Aaron repeats incredulously.
“Leave it.” Neil says tiredly. Andrew flicks ash by their feet. “The only deaths he’s seen are Ravens who end it when they aren’t put on the line. He won’t get it.” Not strictly true, Neil knows he has witnessed casualties of Moriyama business too, but in the world they belong to they are not raised to look at those deaths as important casualties.
Kevin jerks towards him, a downturn to the harsh line of his mouth.
“Am I wrong?” Neil says before he can be insulted. “ It’s no secret what happens to Raven’s when they graduate without another cage to turn to. If you want to fight about it, fight me tomorrow. I am not in the mood.”
Kevin looks away from him, silently conceding, but Neil can’t find any victory in it. He can do this, but he doesn’t want to. Last time Andrew had fought with Matt and waylaid this entire interaction until Wednesday, but Neil doesn’t want him fighting with Matt and even if he did there is no way to ask him not to with the others present. Neil glances at Nicky and his pallid face. Maybe that was why Andrew had started the fight in the first place.
“Hey, you two, don’t fight today.” Nicky looks too shaken to be playing peacemaker but he tries anyway. “This is going to be hard enough as it is.”
Neil thinks he should say something, something along the lines of this wasn’t your fault or we know you didn’t mean those jokes , but he can’t. He just… can’t. Neil can’t even find the courage to take the first step towards the door. Maybe courage isn’t the right word, he’s not scared , just tired. Pissed.
Seth should’ve made it this time.
Neil really thought he was going to make it this time.
Andrew tosses aside his cigarette and claps. The sound makes all of them joke. “We should be going.” He says, his medicated smile affixed on his lips. Andrew starts inside, forcing them all to follow or be left behind. Neil falls in step beside him, letting them in. The new key is a grounding addition to his ring. Neil tries not to cling to it.
Andrew hums. “It’s not polite to keep a man waiting for his own funeral.”
“It’s not a funeral.”
Andrew turns to Neil in a comical sway of movement, blocking the hall with his short frame. His blank eyes are wide. “We’re getting rid of the dead guy, aren’t we? Isn’t that what funerals are for?”
“What the fuck did you just say?” Matt’s voice rings clearly. He comes up fast behind Andrew who doesn’t even turn to look at him.
Neil stares at the looming figure he cuts beyond Andrew’s shoulder.
Here they go again.
“Wait a minute,” Nicky says nervously. He steps forward too, as if there is anything he can do when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. ”You know he didn’t mean anything by it, he’s just…” Nicky can’t finish the sentence.
“He did.” Dan corrects, leaving her seat beside Renee to meet them. Neil looks behind her but can not see Allison. He thinks Wymack is in his office, but he can’t find the energy to ask. “He always does.”
“How can you stand there and defend him this time?” Matt asks. He seems genuinely wounded, as though he and Nicky have been anything close to resembling friends.
He is more forgiving than Dan. “Whatever is wrong with him clearly runs in the family.”
“What the fuck is your problem?” Aaron snaps.
“Careful, Hennessy,” his twin warns. Andrew’s smile is still fixed in place. “Looks like all that glitter and hairspray is finally seeping into your brain and turning you stupid.”
Matt shoves Andrew.
Neil doesn’t even need to hear the click of his knives being unsheathed to know that Andrew has them in hand. He is between the two of them in a second, his back to Andrew as he presses a hand to Matt’s chest. His roommate stares down at them, anger and grief obvious in his expression. Neil had not appreciated how close he and Seth had actually been. Matt’s gaze flickers lower and Neil knows the exact moment he spots Andrew’s knives because he tries to sweep Neil behind him. He resists.
“Stop it, both of you.” He demands. “Matt, back off.”
“Me?”
Yeah, him. Neil isn’t worried about Matt hurting Andrew, he’s worried about what Andrew would do to Matt. They’d only come out unscathed last time because Wymack had gotten between them. It is not a fun place to be now that it is Neil’s turn. His frustration bubbles high in his chest.
He turns back to Andrew who stares unblinkingly at Matt. He still hasn’t stopped smiling. “Let it go.” Neil says, neither tugging Andrew’s leash nor asking nicely.
Andrew tilts his head. “Move.”
Neil can feel Matt tense beneath his palm, taut like a spring. “Andrew,” he tries again. Part of him wants to let them both go. It is a very small part, but what’s more bloodshed? It’s not as though this matters. Neil grinds his jaw. “What do I have to give you for you to walk away?”
Nicky gapes, Aaron raises his sharp brows. It takes a moment for Neil to remember that they did not know he speaks german.
Andrew’s knives disappear in a practised movement. “That’s good enough.”
Wymack appears in his office doorway. His eyes narrow as he takes in the commotion and Matt’s still defensive stance. Neil shoves both of his hands in his pockets and meets his gaze. There are no voices, no unwanted memories today. Neil doesn’t know if he can be thankful for it, not when a borderline numbness is taking it’s place.
“You have five minutes to explain.” Wymack demands shortly.
Dan moves to speak, but Neil cuts her off. “Nothing to explain.” He says blankly. “The others are going to stay with Abby for a few days. We’re going to go back to the dorms. It’s best we all have a little space.”
The Coach folds his arms over his chest. “You all just gonna let him talk for you?”
The Foxes shuffle, avoiding each other’s glances. Eventually, Renee steps in. She’s been so quiet this entire time that Neil had almost forgotten she was there. “A bit of distance will be good for us, Coach.” She agrees gently. “So we can process.”
Wymack drags a hand over his face, looking suddenly tired. He waves a hand dismissively, knowing he wont get a better answer and not wanting to keep them around. “Go.” It is reluctant permission. “We’ll pick this up on Wednesday. Get out of here.” The Foxes nod, and Andrew’s group turns immediately to the exit. “Neil,” Wymack calls. The Striker stops. “You can stay with me. I don’t want you alone in that room.”
For some reason, Neil can’t imagine anything worse.
Andrew turns back to face them with a dramatic spin. “No can do, Coach.” He says jovially. “Neil’s coming with us. We’re gonna do that whole sleepover thing. Maybe paint each other’s nails, braid each other’s hair, summon Bloody Mary and leave the rest of us traumatised by an untimely death only for her to come back in twenty years and finish us off.”
“We wouldn’t make it twenty years.” Aaron says absently. “Maybe fifteen.”
“Thirteen.” Neil shrugs when the blonde looks at him. “Unlucky numbers and all that.”
Wymack doesn’t look between them, he stares intently at Neil instead. “You sure about this?”
“I’m sure.” Neil answers honestly. The intense scrutiny is making his skin prickle, but he tries to look unwavering.
Wymack nods eventually, a single dip of his head that does not lessen his concern or suspicion. “The offer’s open.”
Neil follows Andrew’s group as they pour out of the stadium and back into the parking lot. The Goalkeeper barely looks at him as he tosses him the keys. Neil catches on instinct, and stares at them for a moment before he makes his way to the drivers side. Aaron makes a noise in the back of his throat that has Neil pausing at the open door, peering at him over the roof of the car.
“So we’re just not gonna talk about this?” Aaron says, looking between them.
Neil shrugs. What is there to say?
“Talk about what?” Andrew says, playing clueless. “Did something fun happen?”
Neil ducks into his seat, letting the twins stare at each other, one incredulous and the other on a medicated high. Nicky slips into the seat behind him, and Kevin takes his place in the passenger seat. The twins follow eventually, and the moment Aaron clicks his seatbelt into place Neil starts the car and pulls onto the road.
“You never told me that you speak German.”
Neil glances at Kevin, but the other man looks determinedly out of the window. “Does it matter? We don’t exactly do a lot of talking about ourselves.” Neil hasn’t told him a lot of things. He’ll need to before the banquet - not everything, but some of it; his name, his father. He hopes it will go better if it comes from him first, but Neil also wonders if Kevin’s easy acceptance had been because Neil simply hadn’t known of his role in any of it.
His fingers tighten around the steering wheel. “Exy is the only place that we meet. Knowing I speak a few languages won’t do anything for you on the Court.”
Kevin huffs.
“Exactly how many languages do you speak?” Aaron pipes up from the back. Neil flicks a glance at him through the rear view mirror but turns his attention back to the road.
“Four.” He answers eventually.
Nicky whistles, impressed. “English, French, German… What’s the fourth?”
Neil doesn’t answer him.
“When were you gonna tell us you could understand us?” Aaron asks again.
“I wasn’t. When were you gonna stop talking about me?”
He does not have to turn around to see Aaron’s flat disapproval. “I wasn’t.” The man parrots back to him. He turns on his brother next. “Did you know about this?”
Andrew sways restlessly. “Maybe. Maybe not. What’s it to you?”
“You should’ve told us.” Nicky says, put out as he tries to recall every conversation they’ve had in Neil’s presence.
“Boring.” His cousin drawls. “Figure things out for yourself once in a while.”
Andrew had said that before too. Neil isn’t sure why he keeps sticking to the script of his own memory, not when things are already changing, but he doesn’t bring it up. If he did, he might have to explain why he himself keeps flipping the script. He doesn’t know how to explain that it makes him feel less real.
“Hey, Neil, buddy,” Nicky begins. “Please ignore anything totally incriminating we’ve said over the past few months.” Neil can hear the pull of his seatbelt as the other leans forward. Nicky braces his hands against the back of Neil’s seat, hovering so close that Neil can feel his breath on his skin.
Stop me , Lola taunts. There is blood dripping down his fingers, a seeping cut on his cheek, the dashboard lighter is so close to his skin that he can feel the heat before it touches.
Whatever Nicky says next, Neil does not hear him.
He jerks the wheel in his panic, hunching forward as he tries to escape the presence behind him. The car veers sharply, swerving around another who’s driver lays on the horn. Neil rights it quickly, pulling back into the right lane, but it is not enough, his hands are still shaking, the panic makes his head swim. Neil turns down an empty street and parks the car half on the curb at an angle.
“Oh my god,” Nicky whimpers from behind him. “Is everyone okay?”
Kevin pulls himself straight from where he had been flung against his window and says an affirmative. The twins follow.
Neil buries his head in his hands and tries to remember how to breathe. Nothing is working. His breathing is shallow and quick and humiliating. He tugs handfuls of his hair, desperate for the sting, but that does nothing either.
“Neil?”
“Shut up.” He bites out through gritted teeth. The pain is not sharp enough, it muddies the waters instead of clearing his mind and he tightens his own fists viciously.
Andrew pushes his way between the seats. He wraps a hand around Neil’s wrist, forcefully pulling away one of the too harsh grips. “Stop that.”
Neil does, but only to shake him off. He flings open his door and remembers his seatbelt only when it jerks him back into his seat. Neil undoes it and practically falls out of the car. He needs to get away, to go… anywhere . Anywhere they are not looking at him, anywhere he can breathe. He only gets a few paces away before he is dropping to the sidewalk. Beneath the rush of his own heartbeat, he can hear a car door closing. Neil doesn’t need to turn around to know that Andrew has followed him.
A hand slips over his nape, heavy and daunting and somehow comforting despite it all.
Neil looks up at Andrew as the other crouches in front of him. His medicated smile is still firmly in place. “Rabbit.” The name sounds like an accusation. “Breathe.”
Neil can’t help but turn towards the car. He feels like the others are plastered against the windows watching, but Andrew blocks sight of them with his hand.
“Don’t look at them. Look at me.”
Neil does, his mouth pressed into a trembling line. Andrew is still where Neil is shaking, a grounding force unmoved by his panic. He does not tell Neil to breathe again, just watches him clinically until his breaths even out into something less frantic.
“Tell me what that was about.”
Neil stares at his collar. A humiliated burn settles into the pit of his stomach. “It’s never happened before.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
There is a hesitant second of silence before Neil forces the words from his own mouth. He doesn’t want to talk but he has to, if he lets this sit inside any longer he’s afraid it will tear him apart. “They put me in a car when they took me. She cuffed my hands behind the seat and cut me, burned me. For a second I thought -”
Andrew stares at him. He doesn’t ask who they or she are, or what else they might have done. He doesn’t say anything actually, and the anticipation spurs Neil into nervous words.
“It’s fine. I don’t know why that - Nicky got a little close and it freaked me out, but it’s not - this isn’t going to be a thing. I’m fine. ”
“I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”
“Andrew.”
“Abram.”
Neil looks away and presses the heel of his palms against his eyes until his vision goes white. “I have to be fine.” He says roughly. “Eyes forward, always. There is too much I have to do.”
Andrew makes a soft humming noise, then pulls Neil to his feet. He turns without a word, tucking his hands in his pockets. Despite not seeing his face Neil feels compelled by the silent order to follow. His mood worsens as he trudges behind Andrew. Nicky and Kevin do their best to look everywhere but directly at Neil whilst Aaron stares unblinkingly. Andrew ignores him and shoves Neil’s shoulder, directing him back to the driver’s seat.
“You’ve got to be kidding.” Aaron says warily. Neil agrees with him.
“I don’t think-“ He begins, but Andrew slaps a hand over his mouth to forcefully cut him off.
“Neil’s driving.” There is a sharp edge to his cheerful voice. “Nicky move over, you’re in my spot.”
Nicky obediently shuffles into the middle seat.
Fox Tower is only a few minutes away, but it is a long drive home.
Andrew does not ask him to go up to the roof, but Neil finds himself up there anyway.
“We need to talk.”
Neil throws a glance over his shoulder at Andrew and his grip tightens on his cigarette. It dents beneath his fingers. “Not much to talk about.” He says, turning back to stare over the edge of the roof.
Andrew’s footsteps are heavy as he joins him. He swings his legs over the side, but keeps his gaze fixed on Neil. The weight of it is unbearably heavy. “No?” He questions. “Riko, Seth, your temper, the panic attacks. Take your pick.”
Neil stiffens, put on instant guard. “I don’t want to talk about any of those.” There are distant alarm bells blaring in his head. The blonde doesn’t look like he’s come up here for an escape. He looks like he’s come for a fight, armed with his particular brand of provocation. Neil tries not to look at him. The streets are quiet today, even from a distance there is not much to distract him from this moment. In the corner of his vision he can see Andrew watching him.
”Sure,” the blonde says easily. “Then let’s talk about the fact that you’re hurting yourself.”
What?
He feels like they are back in Millport and Andrew has slammed a racquet into his stomach again. Neil flinches, scrambling for words with a dry mouth. “Why would you say that?” He asks. There’s a crack to his voice that cleaves the question in half.
“That’s not a denial.”
“I don’t know what the fuck you expect me to say to that, Andrew.” Neil snaps. This can’t be happening.
He’d been so careful to keep everything hidden. It wasn’t like Neil was reckless with it. The blades were in his safe, the bloody tissues stuffed into his pockets and dumped in trash cans on his morning runs. He kept the cuts shallow and on his upper thighs. There was no possible way for Andrew to know. Neil had been careful.
He had been good .
“You tried to rip your own hair out today.” Andrew says bluntly. “You dig your nails into your skin when you’re trying to keep it together.”
Neil is stunned.
“You’re subtle, but I notice. If the others had half a brain they’d see it too. It won’t take them long.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” The words come out as a whisper. Neil makes a beeline for the roof’s open door, but doesn’t get far. Andrew’s footsteps follow him like a dark cloud. He catches his wrist, forcing Neil to stop before he can reach the safety of the doorway. “Don’t make me.”
“I know.” Andrew says roughly. “You think I don’t know that? But you can’t do this. You wanna drink, you wanna get high, then fine. I can take you to Eden’s and I can make sure your shit is clean, but this?” The ragged edge to his voice forces Neil to turn and look at him. “If you don’t stop, this is going to get worse and then what am I meant to do when it- ” Andrew cuts himself off.
“When it what?” Neil presses, swallowing thickly around a lump in his throat.
Andrew’s stare is endless. “When it kills you.”
“I keep telling you I’m not suicidal.”
“So quit acting like you are.”
Neil looks at the ground, the ledge, the sky. Anything but him. He is desperate to pretend this conversation is less harrowing than it is. Andrew approaches this with the same brutal care that he attends to everything else. It is point blank and poised like a hit. To be gentle with it is to be vulnerable, begging, in a way neither of them can allow. This is to say it works. Neil can feel it burrowing under his skin, planting itself next to the impulse that demands pain for satisfaction. It angers him as much as it touches him.
“Abram.”
“I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.” Neil snaps, the topic grating on his flayed nerves. “You keep saying it and I still have no idea what you mean.”
“You came back,” Andrew says with another step closer. “You were kidnapped, tortured, travelled back in time, and so far you have only worried about Gordon and Kevin. You seem so determined to change their fate, but what about yours? You planning on just letting Riko mark you again? Laying there and taking it?”
Neil flinches like the words are a physical blow. Andrew watches his panic callously.
There is silence and then a ragged, “I don’t know.”
Neil doesn’t. He can’t — he can’t think about the things that have happened to him, not with them already creeping into his head.
He can’t identify the emotion in Andrew’s eyes, but whatever it is makes the other look abnormally still. Neil takes a step towards him, desperate to remedy it, but he catches sight of a car turning down the path of Fox Tower. He moves to the ledge, tracking it as it pulls to a stop. Andrew comes to stand at his shoulder.
“We’ll talk about this later.” Neil says, even though he doesn’t want to and saying the words taste like ash. Andrew doesn’t look like he believes him.
“Who’s that?”
Freddie steps out of the car and leans against it, just waiting. Neil weighs the possible answers. “Someone who can help.”
“He was at the show.” There is a rough edge to Andrew’s voice.
“Yeah,” Neil confirms. “He’s the guy who’s gonna help me get you off your meds."