Work Text:
Ryusei only had one thing on his mind whenever he was released from Blue Lock for a two week vacation, and that was Itoshi Sae.
Well, he had been on his mind from the game— no, even during the game. His plays, his demeanor, his skill, his body… they were all erotic. Itoshi Sae is a genius. Ryusei felt star struck since the first few minutes on the field with him and that hasn’t seemed to change even with a night’s rest and a trip back into town.
He walks around to window shop a bit before finding a seat at a café, pulling his phone out. Sae gave him his number after the game, only saying it once for Ryusei to memorize, which he did. How could he not? He’d never forgive himself if he forgot it.
Shidou:
rise and shine sae-chan (:<
Shidou:
blue lock let us out on a vacation :p are you free today??? <333
Ryusei smiles as he sends messages, the thought of seeing Sae again igniting his whole body with adrenaline.
And to his surprise, he gets a response almost immediately. He thought for sure Sae would be the cold type that would leave him hanging for hours before finally messaging back. Maybe not even the cold type, but busy with something. He’s Itoshi Sae, he must be busy, right?
Sae-Chan <3:
I’m busy.
Well… shit. Ryusei supposes he manifested that one. How unlucky. His thumbs are moving quickly to type a response, unwilling to give up on something so easily, particularly something like this.
Shidou:
awwww sae-chan can’t you give me a little bit of your time at least????
Shidou:
just a little bit
Shidou:
that’s all it takes to make me happy :D
Ryusei wants to be disappointed in himself for how desperate he’s being, yet at the same time he’s sure Sae knows by now how badly he wants to be with him. In any sense. Ryusei is mesmerized by him, and the thought of missing another chance with Sae before he leaves back to Spain is a dreadful thought.
Sae:
The most I can do is have you meet me at my hotel’s restaurant for lunch.
Ryusei stands up from his chair in seconds, body tingling with joy. Did he just score a date with Sae? In his eyes, yes, and that’s enough to keep him blissfully naive.
Shidou:
my pleasure. send the address !!
Sae sends the address a few minutes later, and luckily, it’s not that far. A thirty minute walk is definitely worth it. Ryusei immediately begins his journey, walking as fast as possible, texting Sae that he will see him in half an hour.
God, he’s over the fucking moon right now.
—
Ryusei walks through the hotel, following the scattered signs pointing to the direction of the restaurant. Soon, he reaches the host, who smiles up at him with a tilt to her head. “Dining for one today?” She asks.
Ryusei shakes his head. “I’m meeting somebody else. He should be here already.”
She nods, clicking something on her tablet before looking up at him once more. “Can I get the name for the table?”
“Itoshi.” He responds.
The hosts eyes widen slightly, but nonetheless nodding another time and walking around the counter. “Right this way, sir.” She leads him through all the bustling tables to the back corner. Ryusei can’t say he’s surprised by the seating, it seems like something Sae would prefer. “Here you are.”
Ryusei gives a small bow before she walks away. Swiftly, Sae looks up from his laptop and meets his eyes. “You made it.” He murmurs, going right back to typing.
Ryusei chuckles, sitting down across from him. “I can see that you missed me…” He jokes, because damn, Sae doesn’t even pretend to care.
He hums in response, eyes scanning the screen of his device before closing it, resting his cheek on a clenched fist. “It has been less than a day since I’ve seen you.” Sae doesn’t give in to people. He’ll stand his ground, poised and confident, truly strong in his slant. It’s something everybody knows about him.
“It would’ve been better if I had been with you the whole time, don’t ya think?” Ryusei teases.
Sae fiddles with the straw in his water, pushing the ice cubes down a few times. He looks so bored. “I didn’t invite you here to flirt with me.” He deadpans, meeting his eyes. Such a numb look, unwavering and especially unreadable.
“Seemed like you enjoyed it on the field~” Ryusei smiles.
“Seems like you’re getting ahead of yourself,” Sae mumbles, and it isn’t until now Ryusei realizes he’s rather flushed. There’s a very thin film of sweat on his forehead to match. “I have no interest in something so dull.”
Ouch.
Okay, maybe this wasn’t a date after all. But… there’s still hope… maybe?
Ryusei hisses. “Sheesh, you couldn’t even cushion the blow?”
He’s met with a silence unlike any other. Sae blinks quickly— once, twice, three times— before swallowing a whole lot of nothing. There’s something putrid that flashes in his eyes as he grips tightly onto the table. “I’m going to the restroom.” He rushes out, sitting up in a flash and disappearing as he bolts around the corner. Ryusei stares at the empty seat in awe.
What the fuck was that…?
“Ah, man…” Ryusei groans to himself. He’s totally blowing this, and it seems like Sae’s making an excuse to get out of it. What if he doesn’t come back…?
Oh, god… this is horrifying.
Ryusei nibbles at his fingernails, eyes shifting around the room to distract himself. He hasn’t been outside Blue Lock in ages; it almost feels strange to be at a restaurant like this, and it’s definitely strange seeing every day people living their lives and enjoying a meal. He has become accustom to being around those his age with the same passion and interest as him… he almost forgot there was a life outside of all of it.
He’s not sure how much he’s getting along with everyone in Blue Lock. Some people just piss him off, honestly, and others amaze him. They have different things to offer, all while he himself has more than enough. No one has really understood him— and especially don’t respect him— until Sae came along. He chose Ryusei out of everyone to play soccer with.
It’s truly gratifying.
He thought Sae would be a bit more… nice… because of that. He must have seen something in him, right? So it would only make sense to show him some kindness for all the work he puts in and out of the field. Ryusei supposes this will be a tough nut to crack, but he’s willing to do it. There’s something about Sae that pulls him in and swallows him whole.
Gosh, he really likes him… which makes this situation so much more troublesome.
Ryusei looks at his phone, realizing more than ten minutes have passed. With a sigh, he pushes his seat out and makes his way to the bathroom, knowing this will probably worsen his humiliation, but wanting the confirmation that he has been ditched before leaving the restaurant.
He steps into the bathroom, soft piano playing from the speaker as he makes his way further in. He looks for any sign of a person in here…
It seems to be empty.
With another sigh, he opens a stall to use the toilet before he leaves, jumping in surprise when he sees Sae on the floor, head leaning against the paper towel rack. “Sae…?” Ryusei calls out, worried by the sight.
He gets a moan in response. “I don’t think I’m… feeling well…” he croaks up.
Ryusei crouches down to his height, hand on his shoulder. “Are you sick…?”
Sae nods, eyes finally opening to meet his, and damn, he’s definitely not feeling well. His face is flushed, body huffing and puffing, sweat around the collar of his shirt while he’s slumped in exhaustion. “Maybe…” Sae swallows saliva. “I hadn’t felt good since I woke up, but I thought I just didn’t rest well. I threw up when I came in here…”
Ryusei frowns. “Have you been lying on the floor the whole time?”
Sae shrugs, rubbing the sweat off his forehead. “I guess so.” He murmurs. “I feel like shit.”
Ryusei stands back up, pulling his hand off his shoulder to reach it out to him instead. “I’ll help you to your room.”
Sae doesn’t take the offer. He grabs the railing to hoist himself up instead, groaning as he does it. “I don’t need your help.”
This is a very, very tough nut to crack.
“I’ll at least grab your laptop for you, then.” Ryusei decides, trying to weasel his way in somehow. If he’s going to have these two weeks off of Blue Lock, he needs to show Sae that he’s someone he can depend on, so maybe this is his chance.
Sae exhales his exasperation. “Do as you please.”
They slowly walk out to the dining area, grabbing the laptop and making their way to the front. The host looks confused as she watches them exit, leaving Ryusei to explain what’s wrong before they proceed to the room. Sae struggles with his steps, grabbing onto the wall to help guide him until entering the elevator. The silence afterwards is a bit awkward. Ryusei almost feels hopeless about all the fantasies he had before, because it’s seemingly not in the cards. “Fuck…” Sae groans, knuckles turning white with the grip he has on the railing.
“What’s wrong?”
“The elevator moving is making me feel worse…” he elaborates, closing his eyes with a furrowed brow.
Ryusei tries his best to figure out how to approach the situation; what to say, what to do next, and most importantly, how to get Sae to accept his help. After a few seconds though, the doors open to the floor. Ryusei sucks on his bottom lip in thought, looking to the other.
“Let me help you into your room. Please.” He says.
Sae’s eyes meet his, low and pensive. What is he thinking? Ryusei isn’t sure if he’ll ever know. He gets no response either, only an arm reaching out to wrap around the back of his neck for support. A silent agreement. One that makes Ryusei nearly smile to himself.
Sae points down the hall. “Room three-one-two.”
Ryusei nods, standing as strong as he can with the extra weight leaning on him. They walk for a bit before finally arriving to the room, which has Sae pulling the card sloppily from his pocket to open the door. Whenever they make it inside, Sae is immediately taking his shoes off, soon pulling away from Ryusei to throw himself onto the bed.
And quickly, there’s silence, again.
The air is so still. Even a movement feels like a disruption. Nevertheless, Ryusei walks further in to place the laptop onto the bedside table, looking down to Sae on the bed. His breaths are shallow but heavy, and his body is grown but weak. He wants to reach out to him despite the coldness, hoping his heat can restore everything that has been shut off. Ryusei knows though that it’s wishful thinking, so he takes a step back to collect himself.
“Do you need any medicine? I can grab—“
“Just go home.” Sae interrupts in all of his gruffness.
Ryusei stops in place, heart sinking to his toes. Perhaps there’s no point in trying. “Are you sure? I can pick something up for you…”
Sae doesn’t look at him once. He’s coddled into his own body, face under his arm, heaving every weakness. “Just… go home.” He repeats.
“Okay,” Ryusei nods, walking to the entrance to slip his shoes back on. “Take care of yourself, Sae-Chan.” He decides, looking back one last time as Sae hums, deciding he’s just too far to reach.
He closes the door behind him and takes the elevator back down to the first floor, searching up how far is house is from here. He whines breathily seeing that it will be nearly an hour but decides it’s for the best. He has more than enough think about so this will give him a chance to sort everything out. And, it’s not as if he wants to be home anyways…
The sun begins setting by the time he makes it to his house. Ryusei spent most of the day walking around to find distractions, visiting every sight he passed no matter the obscurity, just so this moment will arrive slower. He unlocks the door carefully, making his way through the living room. “Ryusei…?” The voice startles him into a stillness.
After a few seconds, he is taking a couple steps back and looking into the kitchen, seeing his grandmother eating at the table. “Yes, Obaa-San.” Ryusei bows.
“Hmph,” she lets out. “Back so soon…”
Ryusei grits his teeth, swallowing thickly. “It’s been over three months.”
She laughs, taking a sip of her drink before speaking up again. “That’s why it’s been so peaceful!” She cackles another time, as if it’s the funniest thing she has said.
Even with the silence of him gone, it wasn’t convincing enough to cherish his noise. It’s not surprising in the least. “I’ll be off to my room.” He declares, rushing away before he could hear any more.
With a huff, he throws his bag down onto the floor and falls into bed. Instead of chatter and clamor, there’s nothing but an empty quiet to surround him. He nearly forgot this is what life was like outside of those walls. It’s suffocating. Ryusei can’t help the way his tears flow out, thinking maybe being around everybody else wasn’t so bad.
Ah, he can’t wait to go back to Blue Lock…
—
Ryusei groans as he wakes up, reaching for his phone to check the time. 11:42am. His eyes widen in surprise from how much he has overslept, yet he supposes there is nothing else for him to do on vacation anyways. He scrolls through the few notifications he received while asleep, looking for anything worth his while only to be met with nothing interesting nor important. He sighs when deleting the tabs, thumb hovering over his messaging app.
Maybe… just maybe he should check in on Sae.
He’s worried for him, it’s no secret, but the pushback every time he tries to help hurts his ego more than he’d like to admit. Though, he decides that isn’t as important. Making sure Sae is okay means more to him than his pride.
Shidou:
how are you feeling?
He stands up from bed, moving over to the desk where a mirror and all his makeup is at. Ryusei sits with a knee to his chest as he pulls his hair back in a headband, popping open the eyeliner cap and carefully leaning in as he applies it. His tongue pokes out in concentration, drawing the wing on rather easily. It’s like second nature at this point.
He jumps whenever his phone begins vibrating. Quickly, too, he’s stopping everything to pick it up, heart loud in his ears.
Sae-Chan <3:
Worse than yesterday.
Ryusei frowns, biting his lip a few times in thought before dropping his eyeliner to type with both hands.
Shidou:
have you taken any medicine??
Just as he’s about to put his phone down and continue, it vibrates once more. He didn’t expect Sae to answer so quickly, yet he supposes he might be in bed with nothing better to do.
Sae-Chan <3:
No.
Shidou:
is somebody gonna to bring you any ???
Sae-Chan <3:
I’ll grab some on my way back to Spain tomorrow.
Ryusei’s eyebrows furrow together. Sae isn’t seriously going back home tomorrow, is he? In the state that he’s in, it’d be really bad for his health… and everyone else around him at that. Surely he isn’t delusional enough to think this is the best option…
Shidou:
sae-chan you need medicine as soon as possible
Sae-Chan <3:
I’ll survive.
Ryusei nibbles at his fingernails anxiously, the thought of Sae being sickly all by himself with nobody to look after him doesn’t sit well at all. Even if he thinks he’ll be fine, it would be better to guarantee a quick recovery. Ryusei considers that maybe this one time it will be okay to push Sae a little bit, since it’s for his own well-being after all— and yes, he’s dying to see him again. Especially to make sure he’ll be okay.
Shidou:
i’ll go grab you some stuff and take it to you. i live pretty far so it’ll be a while
Sae-Chan <3:
Save your energy for something useful. I’ll be just fine.
“This fucking guy…” Ryusei murmurs to himself, typing away.
Shidou:
for my own selfishness just let me do it
This time, Sae doesn’t respond immediately. Ryusei bounces his leg impatiently as he waits, the thought of him rotting away in that hotel room is too upsetting to bear.
Sae-Chan <3:
Whatever. Nothing I can say will make you change your mind. I’ll see you soon.
Ryusei smiles to himself, putting his phone down and continuing his eyeliner. He hums a song quietly as he does it, feeling a bit at peace knowing he will get to see Sae again soon. Although it has been rocky, he embarrassingly enjoys his company despite the cold attitude he receives. He’s used to that. Yet, at the same time, Sae is different. There’s something beyond or between that he is itching to reach.
Ryusei’s body jolts in surprise whenever the door swings open, eyes meeting with his grandmother’s. “Don’t you ever feel embarrassed parading yourself around looking like that?” She asks immediately without a greeting, distain on her face.
Ryusei finishes the last wing. “Why should I be embarrassed of attention?” He wonders.
Once again, their eyes meet. Never has it been comfortable contact. He can read every thought she has without her having to say it out loud; there isn’t an ounce of consideration for him in there. He has tried to search for it in the past but comes out empty handed every time. He’s beyond the point of hoping. He knows. This woman wants nothing to do with him, and she will never pretend otherwise. “Where are you off to?” A tilt to her head. She’s anxious for a response she won’t receive.
“Helping out a friend.” Ryusei stands up, choosing an outfit from his closet. He slips his shirt off for a different one.
“Is that what you’re calling it now?” She chuckles, disgust written all over her features the longer her thoughts brew. “Whatever,” she drops her hand from the doorway, beginning to walk off. “Don’t get her pregnant just because you want to be a slut.”
He swallows his pain at the words, eyes burning as they yearn to cry out.
This life of his is funny.
—
Ryusei spent the next half hour or so walking to the store and grabbing everything Sae would need; medicine, fever patches, porridge, etc. He makes sure to grab some face masks as well before heading over to the hotel, and another half hour later, he’s standing in front of Sae’s room. He knocks quietly as to not disturb him, hearing rustling from the other side before the door swings open. Sae faces him weakly, posture poor and face flushed. He’s drowned in a hoodie that makes him look more frail than he is, body seeming so small in comparison to his usual self.
He stares at Ryusei expectantly, like he cannot be the first to speak. “Pardon the intrusion,” Ryusei bows, walking inside. “I brought you some rice porridge, are you hungry?”
“Mm,” Sae mumbles, sitting down on the bed with his back pressed against the headboard. He closes his eyes tightly each time a shiver runs through his body, arms wrapped around himself for warmth. It’s a painful sight.
Ryusei pulls the food out, placing it on the bedside table. “Do you have a fever?” He asks, already knowing the answer.
Sae nods, leaning over to grab the spoon, taking a shaky bite. A bit of porridge drips from his mouth, careful tongue licking it away. “I got fever patches, I’ll put one on you.” Ryusei decides, rustling through the bag of miscellaneous items before finding it. He opens the box up and pulls one out, standing right beside the bed. “Is it okay if I—“
“Just do it.”
Ryusei nods, gently pushing Sae’s bangs up with his hand, feeling how hot his forehead is. It’s slick with a film of sweat, pink like a sunburn, and boiling like a tea kettle. He places the patch on after a moment, threading his fingers in his hair to fix Sae’s bangs whenever he pulls them back down.
Sae doesn’t look at him once, he simply eats his food. His hand trembles harshly each time he brings the spoon to his mouth, a bit dropping onto his hoodie. Ryusei grabs a napkin and rubs it off, which is what finally brings Sae’s attention to him. “I can do it myself.” He murmurs.
Ryusei shrugs. “Focus on eating, it’s fine.”
Sae looks over, an indistinguishable glint in his eye. Perhaps he’ll say something, Ryusei thinks. Yet, ultimately, he says nothing.
With a clearing of his throat, Ryusei grabs the medicine and water he brought, handing it to Sae. “Take it every six hours.” He presses his back against the wall, sliding down until he’s sat on the floor. He adjusts his face mask after a moment, fingers fiddling together. “Is anybody else coming to help…?”
Sae groans, swallowing his food thickly. “Nobody is coming.” He answers, deadpan.
“Is there someone we should conta—“
“I’ve been on my own since I was thirteen.” Sae deliberates. “This isn’t the first time I’ve been sick since then. I’ve taken care of myself like this plenty of times.”
Ryusei sighs, rubbing a hand through his hair in frustration. “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”
“The same can be said to you.” Sae meets his eyes, resting against the headboard once more. “I never asked for your help. You’re doing this purely from your own will. I will be fine either way.”
Ryusei smiles. “I just want to make sure you’ll be okay.”
Sae shudders at the words, eyebrows furrowing together. The look on his face is cruel. However, surprisingly, he says nothing. He simply takes his medicine and lays down, still shivering like his body is made of snow. Ryusei wants to tell him to finish his food but consequently knows the reaction he’d receive, so he dismisses those thoughts. “Is there anything else you need?” He says instead.
Sae exhales a long, heavy breath. He’s quiet for a while, socked feet rubbing against one another. “You should go home.”
Ryusei can’t say he didn’t see it coming. He’s not sure any progress has been made, but maybe that isn’t the meaning of this anymore. He doesn’t really care at this point if Sae enjoys his company, all he cares about is him recovering. He can throw every deflection he has, ice cold and harrowing— Ryusei isn’t phased. It’s nothing new. He can handle it. “I’ll stay until you fall asleep, okay?” He tries.
Another long exhale. “Okay.”
Ryusei smiles to himself, staring at the back of Sae’s head. His hair is messy from sleep, but it’s the entirety of him that looks disheveled, making Ryusei happy in some way. He’s the only person who gets to see Sae like this despite everything, how could he not want to stay here and watch over him?
It’s only a few minutes until Sae’s taking drawn-out, gentle breaths. Ryusei stands up to see over him when noticing, watching the way his body is released from all of its tension. He looks gentle, he looks soft. He seems peaceful for the first time. That light expression on his face forces an urge to coddle him despite what he’d say when conscious, because for the first time ever, his brows aren’t furrowed. Whenever his thoughts are asleep, so are his anxieties.
Ryusei threads his fingers through his bangs, as gentle as possible. Sae’s skin is so pale it seems like porcelain; he looks breakable to the touch from such a delicate face, and still he can’t help reach out anyways.
He’s really leaving tomorrow, huh?
The thought makes his heart ache a bit. He wishes there was more time, but ultimately, he’s glad to have met him nonetheless. Sae is crass and cold, yet he lets Ryusei push him out of his comfort zone to please him. Perhaps if he tried a different approach the outcome would be better— regardless, nothing can change now, so he must give it up.
It hurts, maybe…
A caress to his head, a thumb to his hairline. Sae moans softly in his sleep.
There’s no kidding himself, it just hurts…
Ryusei sighs, fixing Sae’s unkempt bangs. “Take care of yourself.” He whispers, pulling his hand away. He walks to the entrance, tying his shoes on and looking back one last time to remember the tenderness of Sae’s face. He yearns for his peace, and steps out of the room to deny it. It’s inpalpable. “Ugh,” Ryusei murmurs to himself once in the elevator. “I can’t wait to go back to Blue Lock…”
—
An evening spent playing soccer at a random school field. The sky is pink and orange while his shirt soaks up sweat. It drips from his nose to refresh the grass beneath him, needing it direly by looks of it. It’s yellow, dry, and hurts to sit on but Ryusei does it anyways. After spending over three months around all of that fake green grass, he consequently finds himself disappointed by this now. Conceivably, he has grown too privileged, because any grass he can play soccer on was once more than good enough for him.
All the pampering may have gone to his head… or he simply feels unlucky that this is his life outside of those walls. Everything is dead and unhappy out here, even himself. Blue Lock has given him a chance to be free for the first time. His wings were spread and right now they feel clipped. The adrenaline, the happiness, the excitement— he experienced so much more than he could dream of. It became a haven for him before he even came to realize it.
Now, being back in town, being back home… it’s settled into perspective. Blue Lock is not something he can lose. It’s a matter of survival, and he intends to live this new life of his to the fullest.
“Humph,” Ryusei breathes out, wiping the tears streaming down his face. It’s a cycle he can’t seem to overcome.
Soccer is the reality he has made for himself; anything outside of that hurts too much to bear. Whenever the day comes to an end and he can’t divulge in that explosion of happiness, he is overcome with an overwhelming sense of despair. A nothingness to drown him until his tears can do the same.
Even as he reaches his house, he’s crying. He wants to stop. He wants to control his pain. He wants to control something…
“Ryusei,” for as old as she is, his grandmother sure does have good ears. He’s barely making it through the front door before he’s called out to, feet dragging along into the kitchen where she resides as usual, taking a seat beside her at the table before the question can arise. “What’s with the tears? Did she break up with you instead?” The chuckle she lets out almost causes her to drop the serving of food she was preparing for him.
The question engulfs him in an unforgiving fury. How much more of this torment can he get through? Every assumption she makes is like a new addition to his past— they’re beginning to jumble up in his brain until he forgets his truth. Perhaps he is as worthless as she wants him to be. At least that’s something he can use to his advantage.
“The condom broke. I might be a father soon.” While the lie leaves his mouth, he can’t help the smile that creeps up.
She’s going to be so mad.
With a fib as intense as this, it’s almost comforting how far it is from reality. It will help him forget for a little while, at least.
“Whether it’s true or not, it isn’t funny!” Her small hand is so harsh against his cheek. “You can’t be selfish enough to do this to me, I’m already busy taking care of someone else’s child! Your mother and father couldn’t handle it!” She continues, pausing for a moment in thought before exhaling a breath of exasperation. “Just prove to me that your conception wasn’t a mistake…”
Ryusei snickers at the obscurity. “Bringing up my parents is harsh, Obaa-San…”
His grandmother sighs, lowering her head. This isn’t the first nor the last time this has happened— the blowing up. She’s unable to come to terms with the situation herself, and many of his faults don’t help with the stress. “You’re a deeply troubled child. This is why I’ve wasted no time trying to fix you.” She pushes the plate of food towards him. “And yet at the end of the day, I wonder if I only have myself to blame.”
The tears dry up… he can’t remember what he was crying about in the first place. “Thank you for the food.”
—
He wakes up jumping out of his skin practically. He’s drenched in sweat, mind foggy, gripping the blanket tightly to his chest. This isn’t anything out of the blue. A few times a month he has the cruelest of nightmares that terrorize him until he can’t breathe. He gasps for breath— “Help!” What he’s screaming for, he doesn’t know. It’s the first thing he can think of. It’s the only thing he can think of, really. “Please!”
Ryusei throws himself off the bed, curled into a ball on the cold floorboards. They even out the heat of his body, bringing him back to life, and more importantly, his senses.
It was just a dream.
“Fuck…” he mutters quietly. His body feels disgusting.
Ryusei spends the next few minutes on the floor before gathering his stuff for a shower. He scrubs, and scrubs, and scrubs, until he becomes somebody new again. He uses the shower as a reset, both physically and mentally. If he cleans himself well enough it disguises how filthy he is beneath it all, and that’s all he can hope for right now.
He goes back to his room once finished and does his eyeliner, legs criss-cross, hair pulled back in a headband. By the time he’s done it’s only eight thirty in the morning, leaving him dissatisfied that there’s a whole day ahead of him. This vacation cannot end any sooner, it seems.
Ryusei sighs, scrolling mindlessly on his phone for a while. He ends up on some of the other Blue Lock player’s social media pages embarrassingly enough, seeing how they are all having a good time together. The loneliness only sinks in further. He taps through their stories, smiling faces on display— it’s stupid but it feels like a punch in the gut. Salt in a wound. Something of the sort.
With a groan, he exits out of everything and goes into his messaging app.
Shidou:
have a safe flight back. thank you for the amazing game, sae-chan <3333 hope to see you again :p
He’s so desperate it’s pathetic. His heart even flutters as he writes it out despite everything that has unfolded. Regardless of how different he imagined things would unfold after the U20 game, Sae is completely and utterly uninterested. It’s something Ryusei will have to live with, accept, and overcome like everything else.
Sae-Chan <3:
I had to cancel my flight, I’m doing worse than yesterday.
Ryusei’s eyes widen while reading the message. If he’s doing even worse, that’s no good at all, because he was barely able to do much of anything when he saw him last— fuck.
Sae-Chan <3:
If you want to come, just come. I know you’ll probably ask anyways.
Ryusei’s smile is small. He’s painfully happy about something so insignificant, undeterred by the fact that there’s nothing to come of it. It’s not even hope he’s feeling. He’s aware this will lead to nothing and he still can’t help the excitement that courses through his veins from a pity hand reaching out to him.
Shidou:
i’ll be there soon !!
—
Ryusei knocks on the hotel door, bouncing back and forth on his heels as he waits. It takes longer than before, so much so that he doesn’t think it was heard the first time. He brings his fist up to knock again, only for the door to swing open, revealing a slatternly Sae. He doesn’t even say hello before he’s leaving the entry and rushing to the bathroom.
Ryusei follows behind in a hurry when he hears the sound of vomit, seeing Sae knelt in front of the toilet. He’s shaking as it comes out, whimpers escaping quietly each time he catches his breath, and a hand latching onto the counter for balance. Ryusei crouches down to his height beside him, slipping off his headband to pull Sae’s bangs back with it instead.
He receives a glance because of it. Lips puffy and wet, face a darker pink than yesterday. Nevertheless, he turns back to face the toilet and releases everything left.
Ryusei places a hand on his shoulder in the meantime, rubbing it softly to soothe him down a bit. It goes on for a while before Sae is finally relaxing his body against the wall with a sigh whenever he finishes. He blinks a few times, eyes teary. It’s a sight not many have probably seen, and as awful as it may be, Ryusei’s heart pounds frantically in satisfaction. He looks so helpless. “I haven’t left the bed since yesterday afternoon. I think the movement made me puke…”
Ryusei nods, adjusting his face mask. “Have you gone to the bathroom in general?”
Sae shakes his head. “I’ve needed to go but I can barely move on my own.” He groans, wiping his forehead with the back on his hand only to pause for a moment in thought. His eyebrows furrow together the longer he processes it. “Can you…” He doesn’t finish.
Ryusei stands up, face flushing a bit at the unspoken words. “Yeah, I’ll help…” He murmurs, clearing his throat awkwardly while reaching a hand out. He pulls Sae off the floor, bringing an arm around his waist— he tries his damned hardest not to think too hard about the small dip in it— and Sae throws an arm around the back of his neck. “Uh…” He lets out, unsure of how to make the other feel less uncomfortable with this whole situation.
Sae’s brows pull together irritably. “Don’t make it weird.” He huffs, staring him dead in the eyes. “You’re used to being in a locker rooms full of dicks.”
Yeah, but I’m not particularly interested in those ones, Ryusei catches himself thinking.
Sae squints when he gets no response, facing forward with a groan as he begins pulling his pants down. “Just look away.” He mutters, and Ryusei listens to his command, cheeks ablaze. His hand at the waist tightens a bit— even if he tries he’s overwhelmed by the touch. Sae is so titillating it makes him want to explode in more ways than one. It doesn’t help either when Sae moans slightly as he goes, releasing all the tension in his body, relaxing into Ryusei’s grasp. It’s probably about the only time he’ll feel his body this closely. “I’m done.” The blonde is far too busy in his own imagination to catch it. “Hey, I’m done. Let’s move to the sink.”
Ryusei clears his throat with a nod, helping him over to the sink, and not much longer after that, to the bed. He once again finds a spot on the floor to sit on. “Are you hungry?”
Sae nods, shuffling haphazardly through the bedside table drawer and pulling out a menu, handing to him. “Find something you want. Get me soup.” He points to the phone soon after, turning around and snuggling into the blankets. “I’m going to take a nap.”
Ryusei smiles softly to himself, eyes lingering on Sae a bit longer before he sifts through the menu, finding something rather quickly (he’ll eat basically anything, anyways). He uses the hotel phone to call room service, quietly ordering and hoping that he’s picking a soup Sae will enjoy, yet he supposes since he didn’t ask for anything specific, he’ll be content with whatever.
He lolls his head to the side once ending the call, eyes unable to move from Sae’s frame. It’s the second time now he gets to see this peaceful side of him, deep breaths and an unfurrowed brow. He feels lucky. He feels content. He feels comfort in a moment like this in spite of every misfortune between them.
Ryusei leans forward until his hand can hold the blanket entangled with Sae’s body, eyes closing when a calmness falls over him. He finds himself matching the pace of the other’s breaths, vision bleary upon blinking open slightly every now and then. The pale nape he sees is glowing. An angel. A guardian. It’s all so beautiful and comforting— he’s drifting off before he knows it.
It’s a blur. He’s in and out, unsure of what’s real anymore. Everything is soft around him, body tingling, brain in a fog, entire being limp. He feels a touch of engulfing warmth, rattling him around unconsciously. There’s voices echoing, there’s whispers, there’s— “Hey.” Who is that? It’s so gentle. “Hey, come on…” He is so warm. “Wake up!” It’s loud.
Ryusei eyes open in surprise, body springing into action. “Huh?!” He emits in confusion, looking left and right before his focus lands on Sae. Their hands are clasped on one another’s forearms. Well… it looks more like his hand is clasped to Sae, who is stuck in the gesture…
“What are you doing…?” He questions, cheeks pink as he turns his head away.
Ryusei pulls off hurriedly, unable to tell if that color on his face is a blush or a fever. “Sorry! I was asleep… I must’ve just…”
“Go grab the food.” Sae interrupts him before he can explain any further, sitting up to rest against the headboard, clearing his throat. “They left it outside the door.”
Ryusei stands from the floor, nodding as he walks off to go grab it. Once back, he’s setting the tray down onto the bedside table and preparing everything. “I got you egg drop soup, I hope that’s okay.” He grabs his own food and situates himself onto the floor once more.
“Yum.” Sae murmurs, wasting no time. “Itadakimasu.”
Ryusei’s glad he’s wearing a mask; it’d be embarrassing if Sae saw how hard he is grinning right now. He can’t help it… Yum?! God, he’s so fucking adorable. “Itadakimasu.”
He lifts the face covering a bit each time he takes a bite of food, falling into a comfortable silence together while they eat dinner. Sae is multitasking on his phone, probably getting back to people since he has been sleeping all day. Whenever he puts it down though, he turns to face him, one leg crossed over the another.
“Do you still live with your parents?” Sae wonders.
Out of all questions he could ask… “Uh,” Ryusei doesn’t know how to answer in a way that won’t completely ruin the conversation. “No.”
“On your own?” He furthers.
Ryusei places his food down onto the floor, pushing it away. Maybe it’s okay if he tells him— or maybe he should stop pushing his luck. “I live with my grandma.” He decides on, knowing anything further is just begging to raze the mood.
Sae gives him a certain look he can’t decipher. Almost as if he can tell there’s something in between the cracks that he’s keeping to himself. He tilts his head, eyes low. “Where are your parents?” He asks— and okay, perhaps Ryusei read his expression wrong, because if he did sense that it was a rough subject, he wouldn’t have approached it.
“Hah!” Ryusei laughs, smiling tightly. “You’re persistent…” He scratches the back of his neck, eyes drifting elsewhere. Somewhere that isn’t challenging him.
Sae doesn’t say a word either, he merely blinks. The patience within him is intimidating.
Ryusei meets his gaze again. He’s unsure of how to get out of this, especially since there’s a yearning deep inside him to see how far he can push until this balloon bursts. “They’re dead.” He deadpans, face erupting with a grin not long after. “Ah, sorry— I smile when I’m nervous sometimes. I don’t know…”
Sae licks the soup off his lips, eyes shifting. “Hmm… hmm…” he hums. “Want to watch a movie?”
Ryusei takes a moment to grasp the situation. Is he really not going to say anything about it? Why? He has so many questions, but nevertheless he settles for brushing them aside since Sae doesn’t seem open to the discussion. He doesn’t blame him either; who would want to hear about somebody’s dead parents…? “Yeah.”
Sae grabs the remote, turning the TV on and opening a streaming app. While it loads, he looks down to him on the floor. “Just sit up here. It’s disturbing to see you like that.” Ryusei is too overjoyed to catch the second part of the sentence, anxiously joining him on the bed. He sits almost at the exact other end, hands in lap and legs crossed. “What do you want to watch?”
“Put on whatever you want,” Partaking in a movie with Sae in general is enough to keep him entertained no matter the genre. He looks over for a response only to notice the film of sweat coating that sickly forehead of his, on full display now that his bangs are pulled back. “Let me put another fever patch on for you while you look.”
Unlike before, Sae doesn’t fight it. Whether he’s distracted with the screen or undismayed by Ryusei’s persistence finally, he does not know. He sits steady, scrolling through movies as the man beside him applies a forehead strip. “We’ll watch this.” He mumbles while chewing on his hoodie string. “I might fall asleep midway through.”
Ryusei nods. “That’s fine.” He pulls away, relaxing into the bed more.
Within twenty minutes, Sae is sound asleep, cuddling the blankets tightly around his body. All interest Ryusei had in the movie is gone, because there’s something much more interesting beside him. He flips onto his side to get a better look, seeing the other’s agape mouth with a small speck of drool falling onto the pillow. He is absolutely adorable.
Ryusei finds himself matching Sae’s elongated breaths, feeling at ease alongside him. He is so ethereal it’s almost blinding. Whether it’s the sweat from a fever or not, he’s glowing, sparkling, angelic. It nearly seems dirty for him to share the same space. A demon and an angel. He could get tainted at any second— or he wants to taint him.
No, that’s not it. He simply wants to take on the mess that pollutes him. Become his shield. Ryusei is already filthy enough as it is… sacrificing himself won’t make a difference. He’ll take on any little thing that disturbs Sae’s peace. It’s troubling that the only time he looks truly tranquil is whenever his brain is turned off.
If I immolate myself for your sake, could you reach euphoria?
Despite Ryusei’s self-promises to keep his distance and not get attached, he can’t help the yearning. He wants to be something for him. He wants to be something to him.
Sae, although you’ve never asked, I am willing. Could you give it some thought?
—
Ryusei hadn’t realized he’d fallen asleep until he’s waking up, disgruntled. His body is covered in warmth as he rubs his eyes, heart dropping to his toes when he opens them. Holy shit… Holy fuck! Sae’s whole body is pressed against him, back to chest, arms entangled. Ryusei is aware of how dangerous this is considering…
His eyes avert downwards to look at Sae’s ass pressed fully against his groin, deciding that this has got to be some kind of sick joke. His face flushes in a heavy heat, unsure of what to do, but especially unsure when he hears Sae moan quietly, stretching his legs out before turning around and— Ryusei is closing his eyes as quickly as possible. He absolutely cannot let Sae know he’s awake, otherwise he might take this whole situation the wrong way.
There’s nothing but silence, though. He thought Sae must have woken up… he supposes he was wrong. Slowly, he’s opening his eyes again, face heating up more when meeting a stare. “You’re a pervert even in your sleep.” Sae murmurs.
Ryusei untangles himself, lips twisting into an awkward smile, still covered by a mask. “I guess I’m touchy even when I’m unconscious…”
Sae doesn’t seem appalled by any of it, shockingly. He’s unwavering, not moving a muscle away even though the blonde is still close beside him. “I’m sick, you need to be careful.” He closes his eyes, rubbing the dried drool from his mouth. “It’d be troublesome if you got sick, also.”
Ryusei nods, carefully standing up from the bed. “Is there anything you need before I leave?”
Still stagnant, “You’re leaving?” Sae asks.
“Yeah. You’re tired, I don’t want to bother you. You just need to get your rest.” Ryusei cleans the half eaten dishes of food off the bedside table and floor, placing it all on the tray to take back outside the room as he leaves. Beforehand, he’s looking down at Sae. “So, anything? Need help with the bathroom again—“
“I’m feeling a little better. I can do it on my own, probably.” Sae interrupts. He has a knack for it.
Ryusei nods, unable to get rid of that hazy yet wonderful feeling of a body against his. It’s the first time in a long time he has felt this way… and it scares him. He doesn’t understand his own being. “Okay, I’ll head out then.” He decides, taking the tray with him. He slips his shoes on, looking around the corner to the sickly lump in the bed. “Bye, Sae-Chan~”
“I’ll…” Sae speaks so quietly that he can’t hear it. He gives a questioning hum, tilting his head. Sae shoves his face deeper into the blanket. “I’ll see you tomorrow…” he vocalizes, louder this time.
Ryusei’s eyes widen, heartbeat deafening. “I’m… invited?” He croaks out in surprise.
“You’ll end up coming either way.” Sae murmurs.
Beaming ear to ear, cheeks tight. “I’ll see you tomorrow then, Sae-Chan!”
Ryusei is embarrassingly giddy the entire walk home. Even this sliver of hope is enough to keep him in on a high for as long as possible. In terms of Sae, this is basically hitting gold. He practically said he wants to see him again, meaning he’s coming around, right? Right…?
Sae consumes him whole. Even when he’s finally home and back to his room, he feels his warmth. Pressed against him, alongside him, within him. The craving Ryusei feels is ravenous and ugly. Dick in hand, fisting it— this is ugly. He jerks off depravedly, unable to give himself the time to think anything through, because right now, there’s nothing to think of. His body is overflowing with adrenaline. He’s not even particularly horny either, he’s just experiencing enough serotonin to get hard.
Ryusei’s mewling quietly, pumping so fast he’s losing his breath trying to keep up. “Sae…” He wants him. “Sae!” He needs him.
The explosion of white that happens soon after leaves him heaving, staring at the ceiling as his vision goes blurry. The adrenaline wears off quicker than he can blink. Those slick wet noises that were resounding throughout the room now turn into sniffles. It’s agonizingly painful, and even more so whenever he thinks about the fact that this was all done because Sae showed him an ounce of kindness. He is a good-for-nothing… a nasty creature… merely a dog that let itself be consumed by greed when being fed.
Every cruel word said to him from the past becomes the truth in this very moment. Ryusei is a revolting anomaly. Why does he deserve any kind gesture if this is how he reacts?
It’s like he’s in a glass box, unable to hide anywhere. Even alone in his room there’s eyes on him. Above and below. Surrounding. Waiting for him to prove them right. “Guh!” He cries loudly, shaking the pane. He’ll wait for it to shatter. This stabbing feeling throughout his chest must be the result.
Ryusei does fall asleep eventually, though. Not from finding comfort or peace, not from recounting the good that happened today, and especially not from thinking of Sae’s angelic face as he slumbers. He simply falls asleep from the utter exhaustion of sobbing himself unconscious.
—
Ryusei doesn’t bother to get ready this morning. He left his headband with Sae, so doing his makeup would just be a hassle. In general, he doesn’t have the energy to do it anyways. He’s making his way out of the house within minutes of waking up, sending Sae a message about his arrival. After these three days he has grown accustom to the trek over here; it basically goes by in a blur now. Before he knows it too, his knuckles are meeting the door, soon opening to Sae’s flushed face.
“Good morning, Sae-Chan~” He steps inside, pulling his shoes off. “Pardon the intrusion.”
Sae has walked away already, opening the drawers to grab a change of clothes. “Start running the bath for me.” He says, still wearing the headband lent to him yesterday.
Ryusei freezes at the words, body getting the jitters thinking of Sae naked in front of him considering what he did last night just from them accidentally cuddling in their sleep. Nonetheless, with a loud heartbeat pounding in his ears, he goes to the bathroom and does as he was asked (told). He sits on the ledge and runs his fingers through the water while the minutes pass by, checking repeatedly that it isn’t too hot or too cold. Once it’s full, he’s turning around to shout. “Sae-Chan! It’s r—” Sae is standing in front of him, the layers of baggy clothes he was wearing before are thrown to the floor, nothing but a pair of boxers keeping him from being as bare as the day he was born. “Uh… um…” Ryusei’s eyes don’t know where to look. “Should I leave you to it, then?”
Sae grunts, walking past him and pulling his underwear down, slowly lowering himself in. “It doesn’t bother me if you’re in here.” He mutters, groaning in pleasure whenever the warm water consumes his body. “I’ve had to stop caring about that kind of thing.” It takes a moment for Ryusei to understand what he means until remembering their conversation yesterday regarding locker rooms. Playing sports for this long, you grow accustomed to nudity. To seeing people’s genitalia. To people seeing yours.
“Yeah but… if you want some privacy, it’s fine.” He proposes, back still turned to him.
Sae says nothing. It’s completely silent. Water drops from the bath faucet, like a clock ticking each time it falls. Ryusei wants to be told to leave. He wants Sae to stop treating him so passively, because for some reason this hurts even more than being kicked out. It’s like he’s dangling something tasty in front of his face until he’ll eventually give in to the temptation, and the thought of Sae seeing him like that is painful.
“What do you want?” He eventually responds. Almost out of the blue, it feels.
Ryusei faces him slightly. “Huh?”
Sae is practically staring into his soul. “You’re so different off the field. I can’t understand you.” Another water drop resounds throughout the room. “When we played soccer, you were untouchable with the amount of confidence you had. You did and said things your way without conviction. But now, I never know what you’re thinking. You only say what’s safe. Why is that?”
Ryusei doesn’t know where to begin. He feels frozen in time, trying to grasp every word. He didn’t realize Sae had noticed any of this— he didn’t realize it was something to notice. He slowly sits down onto the tile, fingers fiddling with one another as he processes everything. “Soccer is the one good thing I’ve ever had in my life, I think.” He murmurs. “It’s the only time I feel free. Like I’m indisputable. No one can tell me any different, because there’s nothing that means more to me than forming my own life with every play.” The words come spewing out of his mouth. He doesn’t have a chance to think it through. His cheeks are flushed, meeting eyes with Sae again who is still holding that intense contact.
“Why is soccer the only time you can control your life?”
Ryusei blinks, once, twice, scratching his knee through the fabric. “I’ve never been able to choose what happens to me until I get on the field.” He informs. “I’ve lost my freedom in life. I’m still trying to regain it. Soccer is the only way I know how.” Is it really okay to be telling him any of this? Were these the responses he was hoping for…?
“To you, soccer is life or death.” Sae gathers.
Ryusei looks away, too embarrassed by all of this. “I guess…” he whispers. “Soccer is proof that I exist… when someone defies me or tries to overthrow me, it does feel like death. I get so anxious that I will lose everything, and I end up hurting people before they can hurt me…”
“Like my brother.” Sae says. “And those lackluster under-twenty players.” He continues, humming in thought. “You’re interesting, Ryusei.”
His whole body bursts with heat from his name being used. Coming from Itoshi Sae’s mouth, it’s like candy. An addictive taste he wants more of.
Sae needs to stop getting his hopes up.
“Come wash my hair for me—“
“Sae.” Ryusei interrupts this time, watching the way he pauses his movement to engage with him. “Will you tell me anything about yourself?” It’s only fair considering everything he has exposed up until this point. There’s so much more he could tell him, but he wants something in return. This is his selfish wish.
“Like what?” Is it that hard to think of something…?
“Well… it’s just…” Ryusei doesn’t know how to articulate these feelings. He has so many questions, from the little things to the deeper ones. Like his reason for playing soccer. Like his relationship with his own family. Like… why does he ask such intrusive questions without seeming interested in the answers…? “Why do ask me things, only to have nothing to say in response?”
“Of course I have stuff to say in response. That doesn’t mean I should say it.” Sae reveals, resting his chin onto the bathtub ledge. “Why would I keep pushing you when I can tell the questions alone made you uncomfortable enough?”
“Then why do you ask them in the first place?” Ryusei wonders.
“For a guy that did all this talk about getting my number, falling in love with me, wanting to play soccer with me forever… you can’t understand why I want to ask you these questions?” Sae says, stone-cold face staring up at him expectantly. “Why should I reciprocate any of these feelings if you won’t open up to me.”
Has he actually been thinking about this all along? Ryusei believes his pulse might give out. Sae took him seriously the whole time…? And has been trying to decide if this is worthy of pursuing…?
Sae sighs, sitting straight and pulling his knees up, staring at ceiling in thought. “I suppose I wasn’t the nicest when we met at the restaurant.” He continues since Ryusei is stagnant. “I wasn’t feeling well, and I… I’ve never given someone’s feelings for me much thought.” He explains. “But it pisses me off how you’ve lost your persistence.” What!? “Beforehand, you said whatever and did whatever, even if you saw how uncomfortable it’d make me. Now, you don’t bother. You come, and you go. I feel like I’m waiting for something that I’ll never get.” Whaaaaat…?!
“Sae, you… you’ve thought this the entire time?” Ryusei is in shock. Everything is getting flipped on its fucking head right now. “You are so impossible to read…” he chuckles to himself.
“Am I…?” Sae questions. “I guess I’ve been told that before, but I don’t know.”
Ryusei smiles widely. This warmth in his body is comfortable right now. “How was I supposed to know you were waiting for me to push you out of your comfort zone when you give me death glares any time I do so.” His laughs echos. “I gave up to save myself the embarrassment.”
Sae glances at him for a split second, face flushing. It’s definitely a blush this time. “Don’t… give up on me…” he whispers.
Ryusei is beaming ear-to-ear, smiling so hard it hurts. He scooches towards the bathtub, tilting Sae’s head for him. “That’s all you needed to say. I’ll wash your hair now but—“ he slides the headband off. “Take this off.”
They fall into a silence for a while after that. Fingers through strands of hair, water dripping down his arm and into his shirt. He feels human for the first time in a while. It’s like he’s being resurrected back to life. “Even knowing I haven’t given up on you, you don’t care about me seeing you naked?” Ryusei teases a bit. He can’t help it.
Sae breathes out a chuckle. “Are you perverted enough to cause me concern?”
“Maybe. Does that make you nervous?”
Sae hums, tilting his head back far enough to meet eyes with him. “I’m sick. It’d just be cruel.” Ryusei’s heart drops when he says it, unable to tell if he is genuinely disturbed by it or— his whole body burns when he sees the small smirk on Sae’s face. He isn’t disturbed at all, this is exactly what he was wanting the whole time…
Holy shit.
“You’re the cruel one.” Ryusei decides.
A few minutes pass before Sae is standing up from the water, finished with his bath, everything on full display. Ryusei takes a quick glance before looking away (he doesn’t want to seem like a total creep even though he is, knowing this will absolutely be used as spank bank material later.)
They make their way outside of the restroom, Ryusei standing awkwardly at the end of the bed as Sae gets comfortable, unsure if it’s okay to join him like yesterday. “Yes, you can lay with me again.” Sae answers without the question ever arising.
Ryusei is climbing beside him instantly, turning so they’re facing one another. Sae’s eye contact is strong, damp hair stuck to his forehead, lips plump and wet. Ryusei carefully reaches out to fix his bangs, but Sae recoils slightly. “You lied to me earlier.” The blonde says suddenly, hand jolting backwards.
“About what?”
Ryusei reaches out again, touching him this time. “Maybe not lied but… not telling the full truth.” Sae’s face says it all; he is not comfortable being touched one bit. His eyebrows twitch and his mouth purses shut. His whole body tenses up. “There’s some reason as to why you react like this when you’re touched. There’s a reason why you push me away when I’ve tried to help you.”
Sae hums, closing his eyes. “I told you, I’m not used to it.”
“Because…?”
“Because I'm not used to it. I didn’t grow up being particularly looked after or coddled.” He furthers, moving away. “I’d always taken care of my brother growing up, since my parents were indifferent about him. I don’t exactly know what it’s like to be taken care of myself. So, when you tried to, it pissed me off.”
“You looked after Rin?” Ryusei presses. Curious and itching to know more. It’s the first time he has opened up about anything.
“Yeah. For as long as I can remember.” Sae murmurs. “My parents are… incapable of loving without exception. My brother wasn’t a perfect child. He was really imperfect, actually… and our parents didn’t know how to deal with it. As time went on, I basically became that nurturing role for him that they couldn’t manage.” He closes his eyes, huffing loudly. “Their relationship with caring for us is conditional. I had to learn to support myself at a very young age, and support Rin as well.”
Ryusei tries to be calm, but it’s hard when he knows it must have taken a lot for him to admit this aloud. The ‘perfect’ Itoshi Sae is scattered with imperfections if you dig deep enough, and he’s sure that bothers him to no end.
“It’s no lie whenever I tell you I’m not used to this. Being looked after and indulged. Even being touched.” Sae opens his eyes up again and takes in every part of the man in front of him. “I think I’m worried I might become too greedy from how you treat me.”
Ryusei smiles softly, biting his lip. “I’m worried my greed is going to ruin how I treat you.” He whispers.
“I don’t think you’re as vulgar and irrational as you might believe.” Sae admits, coughing a few times into his pillow before he’s touching the other’s ear lobe, pinching it. “Stop being so hard on yourself. It’s fucking irritating.”
Ryusei relishes in this sweet feeling. Every nasty thought he had the night before seems to wash away from his memory. He’ll believe the words coming from his mouth if it means he gets to enjoy his company longer. He wants to do so many things, but for now, he’ll just focus on those words. “How are you feeling today?”
Sae hums. “A lot better. I think I’ll probably be recovered the day after tomorrow, hopefully.”
Ryusei picks at his fingers anxiously, a question muddled in his mind. “Sae,” he blurts out before thinking it through. His lips twist in embarrassment, unable to stop himself now. “Once you’re feeling better… will you stay until I have to go back to Blue Lock…?”
“When do you go back?” He wonders.
“In ten days.” Ryusei mumbles, knowing it’s probably a lot to ask of him. He’s a busy person. “You don’t have to if—“
“Shut up.” Sae deadpans. “I told you I hate that. If you want something, say it with your damn chest, otherwise there’s no reason for me to listen to you.”
The blonde smiles firmly beneath his mask. “It’s dangerous if you tell me these things.” He admits. “It’s like I’m stranded in a desert and you’re giving me a drink of water. I’ve been dehydrated for a long, long time. Just a taste makes me rapacious.” He isn’t explaining, he’s warning him. “So don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”
By the shift in his face, Ryusei can tell that only irritated Sae even more. His brows are twitching with vexation, eyes low and teeth on his lip. There’s a lot of thoughts obviously running through his mind. He’s visibly sorting them out right in front of his face, eventually grabbing Ryusei by the arm and pulling it over himself, turning around with an exasperated huff. “You are thick in the head.” He grumbles out. “I can’t say anything to reassure you. Just hold me and think it through yourself. Don’t stress me out when I’m sick.”
Ryusei’s heart is loud enough for them both to hear. “So… will you stay…?”
Sae groans, almost bratty, maybe. “Yes. Now be quiet and take a nap with me.” They’re pressed against one another, warm and gentle. He can feel every breath being taken, sharing the same feeling of ease.
Ryusei thinks to himself that if he were to die right now, it’d be the best thing that ever happened to him.
—
Evening rolls around whenever it’s time to leave. Sae has basically been asleep the entire day, only waking up to use the bathroom and take his medication before drifting off again, so Ryusei lets him. He needs his rest if he’s going to recover, and staring at his sleeping face doesn’t hurt either, especially when he’s turning around in his grasp and snuggling into his chest. Any worry he has of getting sick himself is nonexistent, because it’s worth it to experience this.
Ryusei’s shaking Sae awake after ordering room service for him to eat once he’s gone. Those long lashes are blinking open drowsily, hand rubbing them as he looks up. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Sae-Chan.” He whispers. “I ordered you dinner, by the way.”
He gets a small hum of understanding in response. “See you tomorrow.” He mumbles, flipping onto his side, back facing the blonde.
Ryusei smiles at the words, nodding along. “Get your rest. See you soon.” He decides, ruffling his hair before leaving.
He makes it home just in time for dinner, not realizing how hungry he was until he’s shoveling the food into his mouth. His grandmother sits across from him and watches from her own plate, shaking her head with a barely-there tug at her lips. “If you eat like that, you’ll make yourself sick.”
Ryusei nods, gulping loudly. “Sorry. It’s delicious!”
His grandmother chuckles softly, eyes shifting with a certain look after a moment. He tries to pay no mind to it. “Ryusei,” she mutters, tone completely different. “I found some stuff from when you were a child that your mother dropped off before…” she doesn’t finish.
Suddenly, the air feels heavy. “Oh…”
His grandmother takes in the reaction, clearing her throat. “I left the box of stuff in your room in case there was something you might want to keep before I throw it out. It’s been rotting away in the attic, anyways.” Ryusei says nothing. Unsure of what he can say. Unsure of how he feels. They never really talk about anything regarding his parents in this manner. Most of the time, it’s a subject that goes completely untouched.
“You know, my daughter wasn’t meant to be a parent.” She begins, maybe because of the look on his face. “But, I think she tried her best to do what she could for you with how little she had. It still wasn’t enough of course— she was never ready to take on the responsibility, and even after this long, I’m still angry at her myself.” Where is she going with this? “So, if you feel that way too, it’s fine. She loved you, but her love wasn’t enough. She…”
Ryusei can’t tell if this conversation is comforting, or only hurting him more. He is always working so hard to rebuild his life and leave this one stranded.
“She failed you.”
Oh…
Every time he’s close to forgetting, something has to make him remember.
Not every memory is painful, yet the most hurtful ones overshadow everything else and leave the good ones in the dark. He can think of his mother’s smiling face very faintly. The times she said I love you fall deeper into the void. Her hugs are a tale of the past. He can’t even recall of the last moments they shared together…
“But I failed her, too, I’ve come to realize.” The grandmother continues. Perhaps the silence is too hard to bear. “I had her at a very young age. I was too naive to think of the consequences, and I wasn’t able to be there for her the way she needed me. I think… this is a cycle I began. And that plagues me everyday, Ryusei.” He has never seen her this honest before. It’s like a whole different person in front of him. “I’m so angry all the time. At her, at myself, at you… but, it’s not your fault. You didn’t ask to be born into this, why should you bear the burden of it?”
Suddenly, her tears are flowing. The sight alone makes his stomach churn. This is the first time she has cried in front of him.
“Every time I see your face I see her, and it’s like a reminder of all my failures at once…” She sniffles, reaching over the table to grab his hand. “I know I’m too late. There’s no excuse for my behavior, but I’m so sorry. I still don’t know how to raise a child after all these years. I just hope I can give you what little I can before you tackle the rest of the world on your own.”
Ryusei’s throat is tight, any possible sentence getting stuck on its way up. His lips part to speak only for nothing to happen. A mere croak. For the first time in a long time, he’s speechless. Even his mind is empty.
He wants to say something. He wants to be humble. He wants to continue this conversation because he’s glad she has finally opened up to him. Though, nothing comes out. Any response seems inadequate, or… insincere…? He’s not sure. Every moment they sit in silence is like a twist in his stomach.
“Thank you for dinner.” He decides, standing up from the table. The look on his grandmother’s face is agonizing. Still, he has nothing to tell her, so he leaves to his room. The box of items she had mentioned before is on the bed.
With a deep inhale and a long sigh, Ryusei walks over and carefully opens it up. It’s full of toys from his childhood, way before he moved in with his grandma, which makes him wonder why this was kept in the first place. His mother could have easily thrown all of this out. A middle schooler didn’t need any of this. Honestly, he wishes she threw them out, because seeing it all hurts more than he’d thought.
Ryusei reaches in and grabs the pair of noise cancelling headphones amidst the mess of items. He pushes the box to the floor and curls up into bed, slipping them on with shaky hands. Every sound is muffled and cut out. It’s total silence. Maybe it’s a little more comforting than before… he’s not sure.
The nothingness of sound engulfs his being. He can’t help but remember the first time he had to wear these.
“Ryusei,” his mother smiles, crouching down to his height. She pushes his hair back, grabbing his hands tightly and squeezing them. “Mommy has some important stuff to do, so I’m gonna let you play in the closet for a bit while I’m busy.” She clears her throat, reaching behind her to grab something. “I put all your toys in there for you, and blankets in case you want to take a nap. But I need you to do me a favor, okay?”
He nods quickly, excited to have some time to play.
His mother slips headphones onto him, pulling one of the ear muffs off so he can hear her next words very clearly. “Whatever you do, don’t take these off.” She says, stern, but smiling again soon after. “Can you do that for Mommy?”
Ryusei nods once more, following his mother’s lead as she guides him to the closet. Everything is laid out; toys, books, blankets, crayons, paper. It looks like fun.
“I’ll come get you in a little while. Keep your promise, okay?” She reaches her pinky out, the other hand pulling the muff back over his ear. Ryusei links his pinky finger with hers, beaming brightly. He feels her touch slip away after a moment, closet doors closing in front of him. The silence swallows him whole.
He sits down to draw in the meantime, crayons breaking in his hands every now and then with the pressure he uses, leaving small colorful pieces scattered everywhere. Shadows passed from outside the door, distant figures of movement coming through the slits. He isn’t tall enough to see through the openings though, so he continues drawing until he’s eventually drifting off to sleep.
What was once something fun and spontaneous became a near daily routine. Ryusei would scream whenever his mother would pull him into the closet, crying and kicking to try to escape. She’d get angry enough to slap him across the face sometimes. And when she’d close those doors in front of him, he’d remember that this is no longer a playground, but a cage. The silence that consumed him hurt more than any punishment she could give.
His mother eventually bought a potty training toilet because of the amount of times he’d have accidents on himself, too. He’d try to hold it, yet it was impossible as the hours passed. The first time, he cried and begged her to let him out, simply for her to never come to his rescue. He started to plea constantly for her mercy. It was only when he didn’t stop where she released him.
“Mommy, please!” Ryusei weeped, beating his fists against the wood. “Mommy, I can’t! I’m sorry! Mommy, please!”
Suddenly, the doors swing up, revealing his mother who is barely finishing up tying her robe, reaching out for him. “Ryusei, what’s the matter?”
He rubs the tears from his eyes, cuddling into her whenever she picks him up. “I don’t want to be in the closet anymore. I miss you!” He sobs, only then looking over her shoulder to see a man sitting at the edge of the bed, scratching his head as he shakes it. He has so many questions to ask.
“Ryu,” she smiles, pinching his cheek softly.“If you don’t give Mommy her busy time, we won’t be able to live here anymore. Don’t you want to have a bed to sleep in?” Ryusei nods slowly at the question, unable to take his attention away from the stranger in the room. “I need you to be a good boy and do as you’re told, or else we won’t have anywhere to go. You need to be strong for the both of us, okay?”
He isn’t sure that’s possible. Nevertheless, he agrees anyways, so that him and his mother will have a roof over their heads. He never breaks his eyes away from the random man until his mother is placing him back into the closet and cutting their contact.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Maybe those months became a year at some point.
Ryusei had grown accustomed to the period of the day where he’d have to be alone. Time passed and nothing was entertaining enough to keep him distracted any longer, until one day he’s standing up from the floor, excitement coursing through his body as he realizes he’s finally tall enough to see out of the first slit now (if he stands on his tippy toes). He squints to try to gauge the situation better, grin creeping onto his face when he sees his mother. The expression she’s making is something he’s never seen before. His brows furrow in confusion whenever he takes into account the man from that day, holding his mother tightly on the bed while they move together. What are they doing…?
He doesn’t understand why he has to be stuck in here while she gets to spend time with somebody. He doesn’t understand why he can’t be out there during this. He doesn’t understand why he has to wear these stupid headphones so he can’t hear— ugh!
Ryusei rips them off, throwing them to the floor. The immediate noise shocks him to his core, especially when his mother sounds like she’s in pain. It’s so loud. The way this man is moving her must be the reason.
He watches until the very end, until the stranger leaves and his mother cleans herself up before opening the closet. She jumps back a bit when seeing him already prepared to be released, chuckling anxiously. “Ryusei—“
“Mommy, what were you doing with that man?”
Her face drops for a second, eyes widening at the words. She must have not anticipated this. Is it that surprising that he saw? “Ryusei,” she repeats, grabbing his hand and bringing him to the bed. He sits down criss-crossed beside her, staring up expectantly. “We were making memories together… It’s something you’ll understand when you’re older.”
“Why not now?” He wonders.
She hums, pushing a strand of hair behind his ear. “Promise me you won’t look again.” she sticks her pinky finger out, just like the time before. Ryusei wraps his around hers, knowing it’s not sincere. What else is he to do in that closet at this point? He broke the first promise, so there’s no reason to keep this one either.
From then on, he watched every time. It’s fascinating. The memories they make together are unlike any he has seen before. The noises, the praise, the excitement they feel— he wonders when he’ll feel that too. Every time they do it, it’s as if they’re rubbing it in his face that they get to be free and happy, while he is in the closet, constrained and sad. He wants to experience the memories they do.
Whenever that man would leave, he’d give his mother a wad of money, and sometimes she’d even use it to take Ryusei out for dinner that night. This was a cycle that continued for a long time, until eventually, that stranger who had everlasting memories with his mother, became a prominent person in his life, too.
—
Ryusei knocks on the hotel door, smiling brightly whenever Sae greets him. He’s looking much better than before, face no longer flushed and sweat nowhere to be seen; he even dressed in something other than pajamas. “Feeling good today?” He asks.
Sae nods absentmindedly, grabbing a hat from the drawer and slipping it on. “We’re going somewhere.” He states, fixing his hair that sticks out in the mirror. “I can’t stay in here any longer. It’s driving me insane being stuck in this room.”
Ryusei’s chest stings a bit, but he continues smiling nonetheless. “I bet.” He says, hands in the pockets of his sweater as he watches Sae move frantically around the room. “So where are we going?”
Finally, Sae is standing beside him at the entrance, meeting his stare. “Won’t you follow wherever I go anyways?” He presumes, eye contact so intense it sends a shiver down his spine. Ryusei can do nothing other than nod, because he’s not wrong. He’s like a dog on a leash, being tugged around by its rightful owner. “Good.”
Sae ties his shoes on, about to open the door until Ryusei speaks up. “Then, can I ask you something?” He gets no response, only a tilting head. “Can I consider this a date?”
One, two, three, Sae blinks. He scans every quiver in his face before meeting eyes with him once more. “Okay.” He decides, opening the door and taking a step out. “But you can’t be upset if it isn’t up to your standards.”
Ryusei grins, following him out of the room. It isn’t until they’re away from hotel and walking down the street where they begin conversing. It’s little things, unimportant things, stupid things— but because it’s with Sae, it’s special things. He gives him an extra face mask since he’s probably still not fully recovered, pinching it around his nose for him just so he can see that deadly look in response.
They make it to a train station eventually though, sitting side by side through all of the bustle. The feeling of his warmth against him again is so thrilling. Slowly, too, Sae is leaning his head onto Ryusei’s shoulder. He says nothing, and he’s sure he’d like to keep it that way, so Ryusei follows his lead. They’re on the train for more than an hour before Sae is standing up at a stop, looking behind him to make sure he’s following (of course he is) and not much longer, they’re walking on a pavement path by the seaside.
Sae guides him to a ledge, sitting down with his legs hanging off. He stares past the shoreline, wind blowing his hair gently, and Ryusei watches. It’s the first time he’s seen him look so at ease without being asleep.
Ryusei joins him after a couple minutes, sitting right beside him to feel his body heat. He’ll blame it on the cold weather, but really, he can’t pass up a chance to touch Sae. “You like the ocean?” He wonders, staring out as well. Birds fly by, tides roll in, foam sticks to the sand. Sae doesn’t say anything, either. He is completely enthralled, and that’s fine too. Ryusei ends up basking in him more than the sea itself.
“The ocean makes you realize how small you are in comparison, don’t you think?” Sae whispers, pupils casting the suns light back. “Most of the time, feeling small is degrading, but once you stare out like this and see the vast, it seems like the most comforting thought in the world.” His hands are tucked away in the pouch of his hoodie, bangs blowing softly in the wind.
Ryusei looks past the shoreline once more. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.” He mutters, never really giving it much thought before. “Do you feel small a lot?”
Sae hums, tilting his head. “I’m not sure what I feel most of the time. I’ve never had a chance to think about it, I was only able to push forward until I’ll eventually forget.” He reveals, scratching the back of his head. “As of recently, I’m not sure I’m able to ignore it anymore...”
“How you feel?” Ryusei questions.
“Yeah.” He carefully glances his way, eyes low as usual, but it’s somehow different this time. “All I’ve ever known is how to look after myself and my brother. That is where I’m comfortable— and even then, I’m terrible at it…” His voice grows solemnly weak while saying it, slowly grabbing Ryusei’s hand and bringing to the left side of his chest. “I’ve never known what’s it’s like to be on the receiving end of that until you did it. Now, every time it happens, my heartbeat is the loudest thing I can hear.”
Ryusei’s body nearly goes numb from the excitement. “Sae,” he croaks out, lips curling in a sheepish smile. “That’s basically a confession, you know…”
“I know.” He deadpans, looking off again. He drops his hold. “It’s too damn irritating waiting for you to make the next move.”
“Sae,” Ryusei says another time. “I’m so happy right now…” He admits, fingers reaching to the back of his neck, trailing softly. He’s warm to the touch despite the wind, flushing a faint pink even to his ears. “And yet I’m so scared at the same time…” he chuckles.
Sae meets his stare. “What are you scared of?” He wonders.
Ryusei leans in until he can fit his face into the crook of Sae’s neck, hands moving to his back, rubbing circles and lines. “There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, and there’s a lot of things I still don’t know about myself…” he discloses with a pang in his chest. “I want you so bad it feels filthy— every time my thoughts grow too intense it’s like I’m dirtying you. I don’t know how to appreciate someone normally. So when you treat me kindly, it terrifies me to no end that I might destroy you the same way I have been destroyed myself.” He finishes, pulling away to gauge the reaction.
Sae’s brows are tugged together with an unreadable demeanor. After a moment though, he’s grabbing onto the arms that are holding him. “You say all this and yet you touch me as if I’ll shatter at any second…” he murmurs, hand running down his arms until he’s intertwining their fingers together. “You’ve already gotten dirty for my sake, so why can’t I get dirty for yours?”
Ryusei can’t help the way his eyes well up with tears. Is he allowed to be this happy right now? He’s never felt so appreciated before. “Sae…” he breathes, unable to get the name out of his head. “Is it really okay to indulge myself?” He whispers, weeping trails rolling down his cheeks.
“Just get on with it already…” Sae grumbles. “You make me so impatient, it’s embarrassing.”
Ryusei laughs, freeing one of his hands to pull Sae’s mask down, and then his own. He leans in carefully only to hit his forehead on the brim of the hat he’s wearing, pulling away with a chuckle while he takes it off. “One more time,” He mutters, hastily closing the gap between them this go around. He pushes into him deeply, lips greedy, saliva and tears mixing together. Over and under, they’re battling to prove a point. The way Sae’s hot breath feels against him is intoxicating. “You taste like cherry…” he whispers, tongue sweeping gingerly across his lips.
Sae’s whole face is flustered with a blush. “I—“ Ryusei kisses him. “Had a—“ Ryusei kisses him another time. “Cough drop—“ Ryusei sucks on his tongue, savoring the flavor. He’s about to keep going, but Sae pushes him away, arm moving to cover the lower part of his face as he looks off in ignominy. “We’re still in public, you know…”
Ryusei grins as he nods, lightly threading his fingers through his bangs before putting his hat back on for him. “My bad.” He decides. “Kissing you makes my heart explode~”
Sae pulls his face mask up again to cover his discomposure. He stands from the pavement suddenly, reaching a hand out for him on the ground, and keeping their hands linked together even after he helps him up. “Let’s go get something to eat.”
They spend the next few hours enjoying Kanagawa. Ryusei didn’t realize until Sae mentions it that this is his hometown, which makes their trip here especially important. He’s sharing pieces of himself, quietly. Ryusei understands now that he isn’t accustom to letting people in, so he’s trying his best to do that the only way he knows how.
Even on the train ride back, Sae never lets go of his hand. His body is sweltering with the heat of it, trying to acclimate to these new conditions. It’s the first time he has touched someone so earnestly since he was a child. He has spent years searching for this— a person who understands his freedom. Someone who will not take advantage of it, or be opposed to it, either.
Once they make it to the hotel room, Sae is taking off his hat and hoodie, pulling Ryusei down with him as he drops onto the bed.
The privacy they have now makes everything feel more intense. He runs a palm over that blonde hair, eyes completely wrapped up in his face. “The last time someone has touched me like you do is the day before my brother was born.” Sae reveals, staring through him. “I hadn’t realized until you started to do it that it’s something I’ve been yearning for.”
Ryusei can’t help but take into account how similar, yet so different the two of them are. The thought is more comforting than it probably should be.
“I’ve always had to take the initiative and control every situation to protect myself.” He continues, leaning into the crook of his neck, lips feathering against the skin. “But for some reason, it feels so good when you do that for me…” He exhales the uncertainty of it all. “Ryusei, will you keep doing that?”
The words make his entire brain feel like television static. Unlike a fantasy he dreamed of for years during adolescence, these wishes and caresses are from reality, lying right in front of him, bestowing an unbeknown grace. He’s never experienced a gesture this kind. To be trusted with something so sincere, and craved for something beyond that. This heavenly influence gifted by a longing angel. “I will. I can’t help myself, anyways.” He smiles, pulling his mask off when realizing there’s no use anymore. By now, the saliva they swapped earlier has already done the job.
Sae carefully reaches out, managing a soft pinch on Ryusei’s cheek. “I’m not used to seeing your face anymore.” He disposes, fingertips cold to the touch. “You’ve had it hidden away for so long.”
His smile only grows wider. “Lucky for me, I got to stare at yours the whole time.”
Sae breathes out a terse chuckle, eyes never wavering that unfazed expression. It’s enough to help Ryusei run another thousand miles, though. “You’re so suave.”
Ryusei leans forward, craving every ounce of his being, unable to control his desires any longer. At least, the smaller ones. When their lips meet again, he brings a hand to his waist, slipping it just barely beneath the shirt. His heat comes in ravishing waves, swallowing Sae’s skin whole to prove his admiration. “Are you still cold?” Ryusei whispers, kissing him another time while his fingers ghost over softly. “You have goosebumps…”
Sae’s face grows in color, foot tapping his. “That’s not why I have goosebumps, idiot.” All of his crudeness mirrors his embarrassment. Ryusei can see right through it, now.
“You say the cutest things, Sae-Chan.” He purrs, reaching his hand even farther until it can grope his pec. His body is so firm, so strong, so erotic. “You get shy every time I touch you…” Ryusei wants to ravage him. Tear his clothes off, shed his skin, touch him until he crumbles, break him down so his face can’t hide its true feelings anymore— Fuck, he wants it all.
Sae sits up, pushing him away. “Hands off, you pervert.” Ryusei freezes at the words, blinking frantically for a grasp on the situation. “A good dog needs to learn patience.”
Oh…
Ryusei clears his throat, a firm smile on his lips. He’s trying to convince himself the words aren’t painful. At the same time, he thinks these are sentiments that should be heard. If he isn’t scolded he’ll never learn. This ugly rapacity will consume him whole until he destroys Sae along with him. “Sorry.” He uses his teeth to hide the hurt within.
Sae’s eyes follow the small quivers of his features, humming in thought. “Want to watch a movie?”
Ryusei stands from the bed, hands thrown into his sweater pockets. “I should go home.” He decides, especially when he senses the prickling feeling of tears. He can’t let Sae see him like that. “My grandma is probably making dinner right now.” That impenetrable guise never shakes, only nodding. Ryusei makes his way to the entrance to leave after putting his shoes on. “Bye, Sae-Ch—“
“Hey,” He stops him before he can finish, hand grabbing his. Sae slips the headband he had left into his hair, pushing a few strands around before patting his cheek. “Let’s go on a run together tomorrow morning. Meet me here at nine, ‘kay?”
“Sounds good.” He smiles again, and gosh, it hurts even more this time around. “Goodnight.” He catches Sae’s ineffable look as he walks out, tears rolling down his cheeks in seconds. He’s sick and tired of crying all the time, but it seems impossible to keep it inside. Every moment of happiness only lasts a breath. The high of his joy is strong, just for the low of his sadness to be stronger.
The longer he frets over Sae’s hands pushing away, the more suffocating it begins to feel. Is it really that horrid to be touched by him? He supposes it’s not unlikely. They’ve only kissed today and yet here he is, eager to push and defile him. He doesn’t know how to appreciate somebody outside of that. It’s disgusting.
Ryusei’s heart beats rapaciously, knocking the breath out of him as he walks faster, nearing a run. He wants to get home, to sleep, to forget. He’s experiencing pain unlike any other, because it’s all from his own actions. Every fault he has gone through in life has been in the hands of other people. They hurt him, took advantage of him, exploited him, until he was nothing. This is the first time he has devastated himself on such a high level.
“God dammit!” He screams, sprinting until he loses sensation in his legs. Tears stream from his eyes, burning hot to match his inflamed anger. Ryusei holds so much animosity. For his mother. For his father. For his grandma… that’s just the beginning of it. To be on the receiving end of this resentment is mortifying. It feels like death.
Maybe he really is dying.
He drops to the ground, collapsing from exhaustion. He heaves, and heaves, and heaves. Completely winded while his heart beats so rapidly it makes him ill. Is this what dying is?
Ryusei stares up at the stars. The pollution covers most of them, but if he looks long enough, they’re visible through the smog. He’s able to count them all on both hands. “Seven… eight…” he gasps for breath. “Nine…” his fingers reach out to grasp at nothing. The world seems so big from this angle right now, it’s almost comforting. “Is this what you mean, Sae?” He wonders aloud. It’s that perspective he described earlier at the ocean.
He exhales his fatigue, eyes barely open from how much they’ve swollen up. Hundreds of thoughts run through his mind at this point. He sifts through them, landing on one he can’t manage to escape. He reflects on that peaceful face Sae made as he spoke about the sea, and how he finds consolation in being small whenever he ultimately realizes how insignificant everything is in the grand scheme of things. Ryusei has never felt that way in his life.
Ever since he was a child, he was disregarded. His father didn’t want him, and his mother had no choice but to keep him. For a long time, she had him fooled, too. He truly believed in her love for him. Yet as the years passed, he saw through the cracks, and felt first hand the impact of her carelessness. Love was not the silence of that closet. Love was not the guilt she’d force an innocent mind into. Love was not the disregard for his safety.
He has been small his whole life. Belittled and preyed on. Every moment since then he has been trying to escape from that feeling, but right now, it’s the only thing he feels.
Ryusei stands up from the ground, running the rest of the way home. Every single thought in his brain ignites a vicious emotion within him. He is in a wrathful frenzy. He wants to punish himself, and more importantly, he wants to hurt the way he does on the inside.
Once he makes it to the house, he’s slamming the entrance shut to his room. Without hesitation either, Ryusei wails as he throws a fist to the closet door, pulling his arm back and punching again and again until the wood snaps. “Fuck!” He yells. Continuing. Unable to stop himself. His fists break hole after hole into the door, splintering his knuckles until they’re bleeding. “Fuck!” He screams again, face stained with tears as his grandma runs into the room.
“Ryusei!” She exclaims in surprise, pulling him back. “Stop it!”
Ryusei shoves her forcefully, repulsed by her touch. “Leave me alone!”
Despite her small figure, she’s pushing him to the floor, restraining his arms as she applies her weight on top of him to restrict his movement. “You need to calm down.” She deems, shaking her head.
Ryusei struggles trying to push her away, sobbing violently while she stares down at him. “Get off me!” He cries.
“I won’t until you’ve relaxed.” His grandmother reveals.
All moments of his past wrap around his throat to suffocate him. He can’t breathe. It’s too painful. He’s scared. “Please!” He weeps, eyes nearly bulging out of his head in fear. “Stop!” No, no, no… the force of her body makes him sick to his stomach. “Please!” He shrieks again, using every ounce of energy he has left to throw his fists, hitting her in the face until she falls backwards.
She stares at him in disbelief, unable to say a word out of pure terror.
“I hate you!” He screams, panting excessively. “I don’t accept your stupid fucking apology! Do you understand how cruel you have always been to me?!” His vision begins blurring from every emotion hitting him like a train. “You’ve done nothing but shame me, not even knowing the extent of what my mother has put me through! She didn’t love me! She stuck me in a closet for half of my childhood, and then let the man she fucked for money own us!” He’s losing his breath. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe… “You don’t even know what she allowed to be done to me!” He laments, dropping all his weight to the floor in debility.
It’s silent besides his mewls of pain. She really can’t say anything…?
“I’m going to be fucked up for the rest of my life because of what has been done to me…” he whispers suddenly. “I’ll never understand how to love someone properly. I’ve tried before, and it only made me face the putrid reality I live in instead…”
His grandmother’s shakes her head, lips wobbling into a frown. “What about that girl—“
“Her and I broke up nearly a year ago.” Ryusei chuckles, tears slipping into his mouth. “I tried. I thought I loved her. But when it came time to prove that to her, I couldn’t manage. I was overwhelmed by disgust when were trying to have sex… and you walking in only made it more shameful.”
She gawks, trying to process the information. “You two never…” she doesn’t finish. It’s taboo.
He laughs, shaking his head. “No. Isn’t that funny? You’ve been calling me a slut even though the only time I’ve ever done that is when my lousy mother allowed a pig into our home.” He laughs harder when he says it out loud, never really having voiced this to anyone before. Why is he telling her this anyway? He sighs. “I don’t think I can have sex with women. I think… I’m ruined by the perversions of that man forever.”
His grandmother sheds a tear to match his, lips trembling. “Ryusei, I didn’t know…” She snivels. Shaking her head again and again, like this knowledge makes all the difference. “I’m so sorry.”
He blows out his exasperation. “Why are you sorry now?” He questions. “Because you know I was neglected by your daughter? Or is it because I was raped by her lover?”
His grandmother mumbles something to herself, over and over. “I’m sorry we’ve all failed you.”
Ryusei shrugs, sorrows finally on pause. “I am who you’ve always told me I was. A troubled child who couldn’t be fixed, and a slut.” He decides. “Nothing about that changes with what I’ve told you. I’m beyond repair. I think about sex so often it’s disgusting. Even now, there’s somebody I’ve come to like very much. We even kissed today, and already my lust got the better of me. He seemed so uncomfortable by that. I can’t blame him, either.” He closes his eyes, holding his head into his arms. “What’s wrong with me…?”
Slowly, his grandmother moves towards him. She rests a hand on his shoulder. “You can’t blame yourself for everyone else’s wrongdoings.” She offers, rubbing circles into his clothes. “We take a piece of people everywhere we go. Every encounter shapes us into who we are.”
Ryusei has no clue how that’s supposed to help, but he’ll allow her senseless ramblings nonetheless. Perhaps something will come of it.
She sighs. “I know I’ll never be much help to you, but I also know that you’re not some evil creature like you might think. Your heart is big, you just need to show that to the right people.” His grandmother brushes the drying tears on his cheeks away. “This… person you’ve spoken of obviously sees something within you that you don’t. Why else would they have given you the time of day?”
Ryusei hums, rubbing the stickiness from his eyes. “Who knows…” Ah, just the thought of Sae makes his heart race again. “Maybe my persistence wore him down.”
She brushes her tears away, standing up from the floor. “Well then, use that persistence to show him your soul.” She walks towards the door, turning around to meet his gaze. “You have all the reason to hate me. I’d hate me too, if I were you. But I appreciate you telling me what you’re going through. I’ll do my best from now on to help as much as I can.” She looks to her left, seeing the mess the closet is in. “Goodnight. Get some rest.”
Ryusei nods, watching her close the door on her way out. It has been a long day and even longer night. Within moments of stripping himself down to his underwear and crawling into bed, he’s falling asleep, trying to gain the courage to meet tomorrow.
—
It’s a little earlier than nine whenever Ryusei makes it to the hotel, about to walk inside until he catches Sae standing in the front. He’s stretching his legs out, wearing shorts that go above the knee, accentuating every muscle as it moves. He’s practically starstruck by the sight, body unwavering until Sae is shaking him back to life. “Are you still half asleep?”
Ryusei blinks a few times, unable to get those legs out of his head. “Maybe.” He laughs.
Sae hums, reaching over to tug at a strand of his hair. It’s in a small ponytail today opposed to his typical updo. “Are you ready?”
Ryusei’s whole body tingles in excitement as his fingers whisper over his nape, face hot before they can even begin exercising. He wants so badly for Sae to touch every inch of him, not just his neck. From his toes to his forehead, he yearns for any affection he is willing to give. It’s no longer a craving, but a need. “Yeah.”
Sae withdraws his hand from that blonde hair of his, nodding. “Try to keep up.” He murmurs.
Before Ryusei is able to blink, Sae is running off. He doesn’t look back once no matter how far his feet move ahead, either. Ryusei is completely captivated watching his figure in action despite the growing distance; it’s the first time since their soccer match he has been able to see all his muscles at work like this. So, with a careful chuckle and a smile, he begins his hurry over. His legs are already a bit sore from the sprinting he did last night, pleading for him to stop, only for him to push faster. He can’t stop if it means he won’t be able to see Sae like this. It’s a prize for him to catch.
Golden, shining, glistening from all the sun— Ryusei reaches a hand out, nearly there… almost there… ah, fuck, he’s charging too hard, it hurts!
His whole body jolts in surprise as Sae reaches back to link their hands together, pulling him forward. Now, side-by-side. “Took you long enough.” He breathes, letting go of their contact. “A dog is supposed to stay by its owner’s side.”
Ryusei face darkens from the words, unsure of how he should react. Is this Sae’s weird way of flirting? “I guess… I need to be…” he’s panting, already having used most of his energy when accelerating. Nonetheless, he can’t help but want to play along. “Trained a little better…”
There’s the smallest tug on Sae’s lips, nodding in agreement. “I guess so.”
Ryusei’s mouth curls into a pleased smile, laughing loudly out of pure joy from seeing that expression on his face. They run alongside one another in silence after that, Sae guiding them through every bustle of the outside world for what feels like an eternity until, eventually, they’re reaching an empty field, collapsing with huffs and puffs amongst the grass. Both of their bodies are tacky with sweat, eyes staring up at the clouds, sun peaking through to warm their skin. Ryusei looks over to see the rays glistening in Sae’s pupils, every beam cascading upon him causes a glimmer.
“You’re like an angel…” He whispers in disbelief, his whole being feeling light from the view.
Sae chuckles. “What’s with that?” He peers over after the words leave his mouth. The expression on the other’s face makes his own fall flat in surprise. Quickly, too, his cheeks surge the color pink, brow twitching in thought— maybe uncomfortably flustered. “Well, doesn’t every angel need a demon?”
Ryusei hums, reaching out to just barely feather his fingertips over his jaw. “I have to agree for my own sake.”
Sae shakes his head, sitting up suddenly. Ryusei nearly does the same, unsure if he’s wordlessly signaling for them to leave now that they’ve recollected themselves, only for Sae to throw a leg over him and straddle his lap.
Holy shit…
“You know, whenever I was going through all of the footage from Blue Lock, I was unimpressed by every single person. I thought it was humiliating that Japan was trying to make the world’s best striker with such lousy players.” Sae says to him, staring down with those low eyes as usual. “But suddenly, when I saw you on screen, it was as if everything I knew about soccer was transformed. Your capabilities go far beyond my imagination. You’re a true demon.”
Ryusei bites his bottom lip to try to refrain his geeking grin, yet, it’s no use. He’s so happy by these sentiments. “Is that why you picked me out of everyone?”
Sae nods. “Of course.” Simply put. “The most satisfied I feel on the field is whenever I can pass to someone worthy of it.”
“You know, that kinda makes it seem like you’ve been into me this whole time.” He teases. Sae’s words now and his actions when they first met outside of Blue Lock are completely juxtaposed. If he was so enamored by him, what’s with all the pushback initially?
“I think… maybe that’s true.” Sae admits, both to Ryusei and himself, it seems.
“Ah…!” His entire body is captured in an intense heat. Deep within his belly it swells, up to his throat it thickens. “Then why did you turn me down so harshly the first time we met up at the hotel…” he groans, shaking his head as he covers his face. “Ugh, it was so embarrassing…”
Sae purses his lips together, looking off. “I didn’t exactly understand at that time how I felt…” he explains, almost shy. “It wasn’t until you started taking care of me and…” he sighs, probably uneasy opening up considering how much he keeps to himself. “Treating me so gently, that I… started to realize how much I like it. How… much I like you …”
Ryusei sits up, holding onto Sae’s waist as he leans in. “I like you.” He breathes out in a hurry, needing to get this across. “I like you so much it makes me crazy.” He lifts his head to meet his eyes, unable to shake this overwhelming sense of desire. “Can I—“
“Don’t ask anymore, just do—“
Ryusei’s mouth collides with his before he can finish, unable to control himself any longer. Especially when Sae allows it. One over the other, he hums into him. He loves this. This feeling. This touch. This sensation coursing through him so sporadically. As Sae’s tongue carefully pushes between his lips, he accepts it eagerly, sucking on the warmth of it until he pulls a soft moan. Every part of his being longs for this person. Just the thought of this being reality makes his stomach jump in adrenaline.
As Sae reaches over to hold the back of his neck, deepening their kiss, Ryusei groans when feeling him accidentally rub against his crotch. Well, not only that, his whole ass is pressed against it anyways! “Sae-Chan—“ he can’t get a word in. All of Sae’s meekness washes away through their touching. Ryusei breathes out his pleasure between them, grip tightening around his waist as he turns his head. “You need to get off before my penis explodes.” He rushes out. He doesn’t want to gross him out like he did yesterday.
For the first time though, Ryusei hears Sae laugh. It isn’t loud nor booming, it’s more breathy and nonchalant, but it makes his heart beat a thousand times faster than before. “You’re too easy to please.” He decides, carefully standing up from his lap, reaching down to help him up. “Let’s go.”
They do a half jog/walk back into town, stopping whenever they finally reach a convenience store. “Let’s get some water—“
“I’ll get it. You stay here.” Sae interrupts, holding his shoulder for a moment before disappearing into the building.
Ryusei waits outside longer than he imagined he would, almost going in himself until Sae is walking back out after more than five minutes. “What took so long?” He wonders absentmindedly, only for the look on Sae’s face to be unexpected. He seems a bit frazzled, eyes casting downwards as he hands Ryusei a bottled water from out of the bag.
“I just grabbed a few extra things.” He mutters, clearing his throat. “You ready?” Ryusei nods in return. They walk the rest of the way to the hotel, reaching it in a half hour or so. Whenever they’re entering the room itself, Sae drops the bag from the store down and instead goes to grab some clothes from out of the drawer. He hands them over. “Go take a shower. I don’t want a bunch of sweat on the bed.”
The blonde can’t help the heat throughout his cheeks at the implication of them being in bed together again. He wasn’t sure how today would go considering the fact that Sae pushed him away yesterday… but he seems much more comfortable now. “Thanks.” He decides, walking off into the bathroom.
The water falls down his back and eases every knot, to his cramped toes and into the drain. Hands through his hair, his heart swells realizing he’ll smell like Sae now. Pine and aloe vera. It’s enough to make him smile, unable to shake this naive feeling of joy. Whenever Ryusei’s out of the shower and drying himself off, he looks down to the bandages that were wrapped around his knuckles, now in the trash.
With a careful sigh, he steps out of the steamy room. “Sae,” he murmurs out loud, turning his head to find him sitting down on the chair, shirt discarded somewhere, abs fully on show. “Uh,” he’ll blame the heat of his body on the hot water. “By any chance do you have bandage wraps?”
Sae blinks a few times, nodding. He gets up to open a duffel bag, pulling out a first aid kit. “Sit down.” As always, like a domesticated animal, he’s following the order easily. Sae doesn’t even ask why he needs them, or for what; he simply brings Ryusei’s hands towards himself and begins wrapping. “What happened?”
The blonde looks off, unable to meet his eyes during a discussion so degrading. Realistically, how is he supposed to tell him this is all from a horrible spiral of emotions that started right here in this room. “It’s just…” he’s trying to think of an appropriate answer. “It wasn’t the best night.”
Sae looks up, staring through him despite his turned head. “Did you get into another fight with someone?”
“Ah, no— nothing like that.” He reassures. The only person he fought was himself (mostly). Mentally anguished, physically punished. It’s a cycle he can’t seem to fix, whether he does it on his own or others do it to him.
“Then how did your knuckles come to be like this…” Sae pushes.
Ryusei smiles despite his sadness. “I don’t want to have to admit to the guy I like that I’m a mess and have a lot of issues.” He discloses with a pang in his heart, finally looking his way. “Spare me the shame, please… I didn’t hurt anyone, just myself. I’ll be okay. So don’t worry.” He doesn’t feel like telling him he happened to hit his grandmother as well…
Sae is silent. He finishes wrapping Ryusei’s hands, sitting back on his heels, head hanging low. There’s no sound other than a trolley passing by outside the door. “Did I upset you last night…?” Gaze meeting one another again, he can see that hesitant expression. Sae sighs. “I could tell by your face I hurt you in some way. That’s why I tried to put on a movie so you’d… feel better.”
“Sae—“ Ryusei speaks up before he can formulate any thoughts. All he knows is that he hates this. “I think I’m just having a really hard time trying to find the line.” Maybe talking about this out loud might ease his worrying heart. “I want to touch you, I can’t help it. Last night I thought I’d try— I know now though you’re not ready so, it’s okay. It was a selfish—“
“You’re an idiot.” Sae interrupts, face in that typical stagnation. “Ugh. I’m to blame, too.”
Ryusei is bombarded with confusion, lips nearly trembling in worry. “Huh?”
Sae stands up and sits on his lap, like he did before. The weight of his body is comforting. “I didn’t push you away last night because I’m not comfortable with you touching me, okay?” He reassures, shaking his head. “I still wasn’t fully recovered from being sick yet, and we had been out all day, so I was tired and needed to shower. That’s all.” Sae’s fingers slide into his damp hair, face freckling in warm shades the longer he thinks about everything. “I’ve grown to like being touched by you, you know. Why do you think I keep telling you to stop asking. Get it through your brain so I don’t have to continue begging for something so embarrassing.”
It’s as if the clouds have opened for the sun to shine down. Heavenly, this feeling. Exciting, the sentiment. Quite frankly it’s a bit vexatious that Ryusei got in his head so much about something that wasn’t even true. His body runs cold only to go hot right after whenever Sae leans down and kisses him. Lips soft, breath warm, fingers grasping. He tilts his head to the side and deepens it, chuckling against him whenever he feels how still his body is from the shock.
“I’m going to tell you one last time.” Sae whispers, their lips mere centimeters apart. “I like when you’re confident enough to do things without worry. I like when you have your way no matter what anyone else says.” He trails over to Ryusei’s ear, breathy against it. “I’m tired of all this nonsense about making me uncomfortable. Have the guts to do it anyways. I want it. Okay? I’m not going to say this again.”
Every part of Ryusei’s body tingles. The pulsating sensation throughout his veins sends him into a frenzy, picking Sae up and pressing him onto the bed without a second to think. He smashes their lips together, saliva slinking into the other’s mouth as he practically drools in anticipation. Sae’s legs are on either side of his hips, feet in the air, moaning quietly whenever their crotches touch. “I want you.” Ryusei proclaims.
Sae’s eyes have glossed over with a newfound lust. “Good boy.” He pats his cheek. “You listen so well.”
Ryusei groans in pleasure from the words and touch. It all feels like a hazy dream knowing that he gets to be with Sae like this. It’s as if he’s being unchained from the post he’s tied to day and night, finally free, hungry and insatiable. His hands go to pull Sae’s shorts down, leaving the boxers. “Your legs looked so sexy today. I missed seeing you run.”
Sae hums, lifting his foot to rest it atop his shoulder. He looks up expectantly at the blonde, smiling softly to himself as Ryusei turns his head to lick his calf. The taste is salty considering he hasn’t showered yet that won’t stop him. He’s rapacious, starving, biting it hard enough to pull a sound before sucking eagerly. He wants to mark him. Make Sae his. Show everyone the prize he won.
This may be even greater than a World Cup…
“Ngh!” Sae squirms, face in ravishing waves of heat. Ryusei is persistent. He’s slowly but surely moving higher and higher, teething and sucking along the flow of his leg. A trail of saliva runs up to his thigh, small bruises amongst the wetness of it all. “You really are like a dog…”
Ryusei smiles up at him, hovering over his crotch now. “I think I deserve a bone to chew on, right?”
Sae breathes out every emotion at once, propping up by his elbows. “Yeah.” He agrees, groping himself through his underwear before bringing his dick out. He looks off shyly for a moment, every feature engulfed in a dark color. He meets eyes with him after the embarrassment can subside though, ruffling Ryusei’s hair with shaky hands. It’s obvious how nervous he is.
Ryusei nuzzles his face into his groin, lips pressing small kisses against it. “Every part of you is perfect.” He whispers, absolutely hypnotized by this raging libido. He’s moving on instinct, unable to stop. “I’m so lucky to touch you like this.” With the sentiment ringing in Sae’s ears, Ryusei slowly swallows the tip of his cock, licking the slit of it before lowering his mouth.
“Augh!” Sae emits, hand flying to cover his own mouth, humiliated by this echoing pleasure. Ryusei is merely suckling opposed to engulfing him impatiently, eyes looking up to meet those beautiful teal ones. It’s an expression he’s never seen from him before. Twitching eyebrows paired with wide eyes, a wrinkled forehead to match his ablaze cheeks.
Ryusei reaches out to pull Sae’s hand away, bringing it to his blonde hair instead. “Don’t hide. I want to hear everything you’re feeling.” He says before going back down to suck him off, reaching the base this go around. His eyes close tightly whenever his dick hits the back of his throat, immediately choking from the uncomfortable sensation. “Guh!” The sounds fly from him, but it won’t stop his persistence. He gags every time he goes low enough, tears welling up.
“Ryu— ugh!” Sae can’t form a sentence for the life of him. Every surge of satisfaction stills his speech.
Ryusei hollows his cheeks out, pressing his tongue against Sae’s cock to stimulate all sides. His tears begin to roll down his cheeks and into his mouth, mixing two different salty flavors together. “Mmnn,” he looks up another time whenever Sae’s grasp on his hair tightens, enamored by the grit of his teeth and shaking body.
Sae throws his head back. “Ungh!” His trembling frame stills after a moment, eyes meeting Ryusei’s. “W-wait!”
Immediately, the blonde slinks off of him, trail of saliva following behind. “What’s wrong?”
Sae whole face puckers in thought, a flush that just escaped him coming right back. “Can we… tsk!” He cuts himself off, looking away in shame. “Can we do it together…?” His question trails into a whisper.
Ryusei’s heart swells. He’s so fucking cute. “Of course.” He smiles, standing up from the floor until he’s straddling Sae, legs on each side of him. “Take it out for me.”
Sae’s gaze is much different than usual. Instead of his typical standoff attitude, it seems meek… or… submissive…? It’s unlike anything Ryusei’s ever witnessed. It makes his cock twitch with excitement knowing he’s the only one who gets to see Sae like this. As his nimble fingers carefully pull down the sweatpants and boxers he had lent him, his dick is springing out in front of their faces, right against Sae’s. The contrast between their cocks is charming. Sae’s is pale and pink, while Ryusei’s is tan and… bigger. Probably by an inch and a half or so. “What are you smiling for?” The redhead murmurs.
“Everything about you is cute. I like seeing them together…” he teases, gripping both of their dicks.
Sae hums a soft moan, an eye closing shut while the other stays fixated on the man in front of him. “I know what you trying to say…” he blushes, putting on an irritated face. It’s simply from embarrassment this time opposed to actual anger. Ryusei can already see through it.
Ah, he’s too adorable.
“Good.” His smile never falters. “Hold them with me, I wanna feel your hand.”
For the first time, Sae’s is the one being commanded, and listening at that. The sudden change in dominance makes Ryusei hungrier than ever before. Paired with the tenderness of Sae’s soft hand groping their cocks together— it’s igniting a deep greed within him. He’s quickly guiding their grasps up and down, having to put his palms on top so that the bandages don’t get in the way. Not that he’s complaining though, he much prefers Sae’s touch anyways.
“Amazing…” he breathes out, spitting the pool of saliva that collected from the blowjob between the heat of their bodies. “Does it… feel good, Sae-Chan?”
The latter purses his lips together, closing his eyes to try and hide from being preyed upon. “Quiet… mgh!”
Ryusei chuckles, leaning down to kiss him while guiding their holds faster. The slick wet noise makes everything so much more erotic— he’s grinding against Sae’s body like it’s his life’s mission. He needs this. “You can be honest…” he taunts, tightening his grip. Sae’s voice resounds louder than before. Like a harp plucked vivaciously. “You like it, don’t you?”
Sae groans, not from pleasure, but sheer indignation. He doesn’t say a word for a while, trying to calm the heat of his guise and the ignominy in his heart. “Yes…” he mutters so quietly that Ryusei nearly misses it. That reticent look on his face is to die for. He can definitely get used to this. “Now… shut up…”
Ryusei is pleased to get him to crumble like this. That pedestal he’s always standing atop of is becoming much closer to reach, now. All the crudeness he throws his way is being torn apart by the pleasure Ryusei is giving him. There’s nothing more satisfying than that.
Sae’s entire body is jolting back, back, back on the bed whenever Ryusei thrusts him forward. The force is moving him around sporadically, making the sensations even stronger. “Ngh!” Every stroke matches his fervent hips. Sae seems unable to keep his poise, chin facing the ceiling as drool slips from the corner of his mouth, down his cheek. “Ungh! Ryu— sei!”
The blonde can barely maintain clear vision; his eyes are screwing shut every time he’s pushing against Sae, yet he opens them right back up so to never miss any of these beautiful expressions. Sun on a lake, snow to the mountains. It’s something people would travel miles and hours to see, a beautiful sight. “Mmnn…” his groan is deep, watching the way Sae’s saliva is slowly trailing. “And you say— hmph! That I’m— the dog…” he razzes, using his free hand to rub the drool away.
Sae’s eyes gloss over, bucking his hips inadvertently. He’s practically in a daze by the looks of his countenance, head lolling around, mouth permanently agape. It’s dangerous how erotic he is.
“Sae…” Ryusei respires, almost a whine. He’s pathetically content. “Kiss me a-again…” tensing their hands together, Sae dips a thumb into the slit of his cock, teasing the precum around in soft circles. “Please!”
The latter sits up to capture his lips, hasty, hungry— both of their mouths are dripping wet. Like savage animals, they feast on each other. Over and under, tongues in and out. Saliva coats every bit of skin around their lips, heightening their arousal. The whole world is paused. Every anxiety is frozen in time. Right now, the only thing on Ryusei’s mind is this ravishing rapture.
Sae pulls away to rest his forehead onto his shoulder, moaning quietly, again and again with each stroke. “I’m… mgh!” Ryusei trails kisses down his neck until he’s able to suck on his pale nape. “I think I’m…” Sae can’t finish, but he doesn’t need to. The sentiment is clear.
“Me too.” Ryusei assures with a groan to follow, going right back to lapping his tongue onto his skin.
Every noise from Sae is a symphony. Like seeing a butterfly in the nighttime, the juxtaposition of his character shines. Ryusei would have never expected such a raunchy side of him, one so vocal, so desperate… It makes him want to push Sae even further, until he’s a blubbering mess beneath him. He yearns to be the only person on earth who will see him like that.
“Sae… you’re amazing…” he whispers into his ear, quickening the pace of their hands, gasping for breath. “I’m so—“ he groans, inhaling sharply. “I’m so happy right… now…”
Slowly, Sae brings his face out from hiding to meet his gaze, leaning forward to kiss him again after a few sweet moments they share of eye contact. This time, it’s soft. It’s one single peck drawn out to last a lifetime, as if wordlessly, he’s telling Ryusei he feels the same way. “I’m gonna…” he exhales his delectation right into his mouth. “I’m gonna cum…”
Ryusei moans in excitement from the words alone, nodding along. “Let it out for me, baby.” He breathes, left hand moving to fondle his balls. “I wanna see how pretty you’ll look.”
Sae’s whole face washes in waves of pink, gritting his teeth. “Shut— augh!” His entire body shudders, eyes widening bigger than ever before as mouth falls open. One after another, spurts of cum fly from him, coating his stomach and chest like a firework show. White to match the angel he is.
Ryusei’s brows are furrowed from such a gratifying sight. He uses Sae’s limp hands on his cock, basically fucking into them while they both pant their exasperation. “Mngh!” He looks down at Sae’s weak body, staring into his low eyes. “Keep looking at me…” he whimpers out, so disgustingly desperate but he doesn’t care, and Sae listens. His fixation never falters. Observing every wobble and croak. Deep through him. Watching.
The attention feels amazing.
Ryusei is bucking his hips forward until the pleasure he’s experiencing manifests itself physically, all over Sae’s body. “Ungh!” He continues jerking himself, groaning as more of it flies out of him, covering Sae in a pool of milky white. Their cum is mixed together, intertwined. He wants so badly to collapse on top of him but settles for slipping to his side, panting in exhaustion as he drops the hold he has on his hands.
Ryusei is completely and utterly winded, staring at the ceiling, breathless. He looks over to Sae to see him doing the exact same. It makes a smile creep up to his face.
“What’s with the perverted look?” Sae mutters.
Ryusei shakes his head with a laugh, reaching over to the bedside table to grab tissues. “Let me clean you up.” He wipes the cum from his stomach and chest, watching the way that timid look reveals itself once more. Sae’s typical confident demeanor is gone, but Ryusei loves this side to him, too. “We made a mess.”
Sae slaps his arm, using his own to cover his face. “Don’t say such things…” he murmurs.
Ryusei hums at the reaction, pulling both of their boxers up after cleaning him off as much as possible. “Sae-Chan~” he says in a sing-song voice. “Why act shy now. It’s over, isn’t it?”
Sae sits up, planting both hands on his chest to shove him with as much force as he can muster (which isn’t a lot considering the enervated state of his body.) “Quiet…” he whispers, head hanging low. “I’ve already humiliated myself enough.”
Ryusei squeezes his hands, kissing the knuckles. “I think it was really cute how shy you got. Calling me a dog but letting me take charge.” He’s pleased. “I wasn’t expecting that from you, but I can’t say it didn’t excite me. I think it made me fall for you even more~”
Sae grimaces at him, flushed beyond belief. “It…” he sighs, bringing Ryusei’s palm to his cheek. “It felt good to let go…”
Ryusei’s lips curl into a pleased grin, nodding. He finds it quite admirable that Sae feels satisfied in the exact opposite way of him. For Ryusei, it felt good to finally have control. It’s the first time in his life he got to make some kind of choice, he got to decide how far to push it, he got Sae to give up dominance on his own accord. All of their vulnerabilities intertwined to please one another harmoniously.
“I’m glad.” He assures. “Don’t be ashamed about it. If you felt good, that’s all that matters.”
Sae huffs, standing up from the bed. He’s slipping his bottoms and socks off while walking towards the bathroom. “Yeah, yeah.” A hand on the doorframe, he looks over his shoulder. “Are you coming?”
If Ryusei had a tail, it’d be wagging right now. Maybe Sae is right about him after all.
“Yes!” He exclaims, rushing to his side. He’s tearing his clothes off hastily as Sae starts the shower, bouncing back and forth on his heels in anticipation while unraveling the bandages on his knuckles. His eyes travel across the entirety of that pale body, watching the muscles flex with any little movement. The expanse of his back stretches out as he feels the water, stepping inside with a sigh of relief whenever it washes over him. Ethereal he glistens, shining so bright. That constant irked brow softens up with the ease his body falls into.
Sae looks over to Ryusei, reaching a hand out. “Come here.” Said so gently, of course he can’t refuse— he wouldn’t, anyways. He joins him inside, allowing himself to be consumed by the warmth of the water while trying to stay calm about the entire situation at hand. It almost seems like a dream, all of this. To have stripped Sae down both physically and sexually, and now sharing a shower… “Ryusei…” his tone never wavers its softness, turned around facing him. “Can you… hold me for a minute…?”
Unsure of why he asks, but happy nonetheless, the latter nods, pulling him closer without a second of hesitation. Sae’s cheek is pressed into his collarbone, hands squished on each side of his chest. Ryusei’s fingers trail up to run through his hair, resting his head on top of his.
They stand there in silence just like that. Water falling over them to soothe, nothing else mattering. “I haven’t been hugged in a long, long time…” Sae whispers.
Ryusei hums in understanding. “Me neither.” Although he had been dating that girl last year, he doesn’t remember them ever actually hugging. Holding hands, sure. Kissing, yes. But… this feeling of closeness is unlike any other. Maybe the last time was with his mother. “It’s nice…”
Carefully, Sae is bringing his own arms around him. “Have you been with somebody before?” He asks, and immediately, Ryusei’s whole body stiffens in shock, mouth running dry in the process. Like a tsunami amongst the world’s bustle, his being is distraught. Every moment of his sexual history flashes by in his thoughts. How can he possibly respond to such a question with dignity? “Ah, never mind.” Sae exhales against the bareness of Ryusei’s neck. “I’ve never done anything like this. But that sense of unknown doesn’t bother me with you, for some reason… I just feel… okay… somehow, despite the fact that this is all so new to me.”
Ryusei swallows thickly, trying to wash away the sickly feeling brought to him a moments time. Now, instead, this rollercoaster of emotions is stuck at the top where the wind can brush his skin. “You have a way of saying the most exciting things with the straightest face.” He chuckles, hand on his chin for their gazes to meet. “This is the first time I’ve gotten to experience something like this. You’re not alone.”
It’s not a lie although it tastes like one coming out of his mouth. The only experience he has is the destruction of his innocence and a ruthless awakening to follow. Sae is the first person Ryusei gets to make memories with on his own terms.
“It’s almost like I can breathe for once.” Sae murmurs. “Even though you’re an annoying pest who doesn’t know personal space.” He adds, lips twitching upwards in a barely-there smile.
Ryusei can’t close the gap between them fast enough, humming happily against him, knowing those cruel words are somehow sentimental. Every bit of Sae is like heaven. His white skin to the holy touch of mouth, caressing Ryusei’s corruption like devine intervention. He’s being saved from his sins. “I like you so much…” it’s impossible to say it enough.
Sae hums as he pulls away, reaching for the shampoo. “Stay the night with me.”
Ryusei leers over his shoulder with a smile. “Sae-Chan wants a sleepover with me~”
“So what if I do,” his tone is naturally snappy, yet the blonde knows now not to take it to heart. “After everything we’ve done… I kind of feel like I need you around longer, alright?
“You don’t have to convince me, I’ve already made up my mind the second you brought it up.” To a fault, he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to say no to Sae. Not only does he not ask for much, but Ryusei is too blinded by admiration to ever feel even the slightest bit of inclination to decline. Realistically, Sae is the one putting up with him, so he can keep tugging the leash as much as he’d like.
“Good.”
They spend the rest of the shower in a comfortable silence. Ryusei mostly watches Sae more than anything considering he was just in here not too long ago, trying to hide his semi-hard dick every time those teal eyes cast his way. He can’t help though, all considering.
Whenever they’re finished, Sae is grabbing lotion, taking a seat on the chair.
“Let me do it for you.” Ryusei says lowly, knees planting onto the floor in front of him. He takes the bottle from out of Sae’s grasp before he can give an answer, squirting it into his palms and dragging his hands over those toned, pale legs. If it were up to Ryusei, he’d never stop touching him. Every inch is perfection, not only from a sports-playing standpoint but in general. It’s as if Sae was made to be loved by him. He can never get enough.
His palms trail to Sae’s upper thigh, wearing nothing but boxers and a loose shirt. He lets out some sort of noise from the back of his throat. “Are you trying to seduce me again?”
A devious grin. This yearning never stops. “Is it working?”
Sae hums, not exactly agreeing nor disagreeing. His cheek is resting onto his fist as he stares down at him, watching, waiting…
Ryusei presses kisses against the hickeys he left earlier, cock that was finally softening up now hardening once more, slowly. He wants to suck him again. Treat him the way he warrants. Service the king. He’ll jack himself off happily even if he gets no attention back, because it’s what Sae deserves.
His fingers are sneaking towards the hem of his boxers, mouth watering in desperation. “One more t—“
Ring!
Ryusei jumps a bit in surprise, looking behind him to see that Sae’s receiving a phone call. He wants to roll his eyes at the inconvenience… maybe he did already.
Ring!
“Tsk,” Sae clicks his tongue. “Put it on speaker.” He sighs.
Ryusei reaches over to grab his phone, reading ‘Mom’ on the screen while pressing the speaker button. He places it onto the coffee table beside Sae, sitting back as to not disturb them during this time.
“Yes?” He says aloud.
“Sae,” his mother breathes out. “Are you still in Japan?”
“No.” Sae answers, lying right through his teeth without a problem. Ryusei wonders why. “I went back to Spain after the game.”
“Oh… okay, yes.” Her tone is neither here nor there, hard to read. “Rin told me you two played together in Blue Lock. He won’t tell me much more than that, though… Did you have a good time?”
Sae meets eyes with Ryusei on the floor, looking deep within him. “Yeah, I did.” He murmurs to his mother, yet he’s saying it for Ryusei to hear. It makes his body warm with happiness. “But I’m still unimpressed with the soccer being played in this country.” He tells her, gaze elsewhere now. “I mostly played the match for my own curiosity.”
“I see.” Their conversation is so unbelievably terse. It’s almost uncomfortable to listen to. “Were you able to talk with your brother much while you were there? He’s back home on a break and seems… more closed off than usual…”
“No, we didn’t really talk.” Sae discloses.
“Okay.” The silence is agonizing. “Well, I’ll let you go, then.”
“Alright.” Sae accepts it easily; it seems he doesn’t exactly want to be talking with her in the first place. “Bye, now.”
“Bye, Sae.”
As the call ends, Sae is letting out a long, long huff, slumping deeper within the chair. He bites his bottom lip before looking at Ryusei, bangs stuck to his forehead and face as stagnant as ever. “Way to ruin the mood…” He expresses, chewing the inside of his cheek.
Ryusei has his knees pulled up to his chest. “Why’d you lie to her about being back in Spain?”
Sae is blank. There’s nothing to gather from him. “I wonder…” he murmurs, sliding off the chair and onto the floor in front of him. Face-to-face they sit, feet touching barely, fingers inching towards one another. “What were your mom and dad like? I know you said you live with your grandma, but…”
Although Ryusei would rather do anything else other than talk about his parents, he’s also at the understanding that Sae is trying with him. Making an effort. So, despite the heaviness in his heart, it also swells knowing that he cares enough to wonder.
“Well,” Ryusei connects their hands, thumbs rubbing his knuckles gently. “I never actually met my dad. I guess he was a really prestigious business man and owned a big company. He was married to somebody while he was seeing my mother on the side, too.” Sae’s listening intently, chin resting on his knee. “My mom was a prostitute, I think, but only really saw one man for a few months at a time. She told me she tried to have my father take some kind of responsibility whenever she found out about her pregnancy, but he refused because it would destroy his career if it got out.”
It’s hard to tell a story he barely has a grasp of. All he has is his mother’s word as to what is true, and now, looking back on it all, he’s not sure how reliable that is.
“I spent the first few years of my childhood with my mom at my grandma’s house because she didn’t have enough money for our own place.” Ryusei discloses. “Eventually though, we moved into a studio apartment, but because she didn’t have anyone to take care of me she would… do her work at home.”
The realization slowly creeps onto Sae’s face, those low eyes finally showing some kind of emotion.
“At first she would leave me at the apartment while she went out to do it, until I got into an accident one day. She never left me alone after that. She would just bring them home instead and put me in closet while she had sex with them.” His head hangs low as he reveals this, knowing it’s shameful, and worrying even more that it exposes his greater weaknesses.
“Hey,” Sae shakes him back to life. “You don’t have to tell me anything else. And you don’t need to answer my questions in general. To a fault, my curiosity is stronger than my sensibility.”
Ryusei smiles, squeezing his hands a few times. “No, it’s fine. It’s important to talk about this kind of stuff sometimes… it’s just…” he sucks on his bottom lip anxiously. “I’m worried you’ll think differently of me… or maybe that my past defines my person more than I’d like to admit.”
Sae leans forward to press their foreheads together. “Who cares.” He breathes out. “Everyone’s past produces the person they are. It’s a painful thing, but it’s true.” He pulls away with a squeeze to his hands. “I’d know that best.”
“Why do you say that…?”
Sae hums as he looks off, thinking intently on his next words. “Sometimes I think about who I’d be if I never played soccer.” He confesses quietly. “I’m sure I’d live a much happier life than I do now. A normal life. Even though soccer has been my one constant, it’s also my biggest enemy, probably.” Ryusei stares in awe. This feels like the first time Sae is truly opening up past the surface level. “I don’t have a life outside of this. I’ve never really thought about anything else, until recently. Thinking about who I could have been.”
“That sounds kind of… sad.”
“Hmm… I guess so.” Sae whispers. “I don’t know if I hate soccer. I think I just hate the person it has turned me into, if that makes sense.”
Ryusei swallows thickly, unsure of what is safe to say, and even more unsure if he should say the obvious. “Well… does soccer make you happy at least?”
“Not really.” Sae easily respires. “I’m not sure I’ve ever been happy, though. Soccer has always been that thing that keeps my life at bay, and the satisfaction of my growth is what pushes me further.”
“Then, in your own way, that’s your happiness.” Ryusei smiles.
But, Sae shakes his head. “I don’t feel that satisfaction anymore.” Hands loosening from their hold, he’s leaning back to stare at the ceiling with a loud huff. “I haven’t for a while now, so when I heard about Blue Lock, I took it as my chance to figure out this phenomenon better. Really— I wasn’t moved by anyone, until I saw your plays. Playing beside you felt good. I was satisfied.”
Ryusei inches closer until their bodies are intertwined. “I want to make you feel things past satisfaction.”
Sae meets eyes with him. “Did you feel the same way when we played together?”
What a silly question, Ryusei thinks. It’s obvious. “You’re the first person to have ever understood me.” The sentiment makes his own heart race, almost too unbelievable to be true. “I want to play soccer with you for the rest of my life. It’s like a million explosions at once.”
Sae nods. “That’d be nice….” The heat of each other’s bodies is comforting. Parallel to one another, so are their sentiments. “Hey… so, how did your parents…” the question trails off.
“Die?” Ryusei finishes for him.
“Yeah. We never… got to that part.” Sae’s curiosity knows no bounds. Despite the fact that this is a topic nearly nobody would touch, here he is, asking. In some strange, twisted way, too, it’s nice. Knowing he wants to learn about him more.
“My mom told me when I was around… maybe ten, that my father had passed away from a stroke. Which, I guess makes sense, because he was much older than her.” Ryusei bites his lip in thought. “Honestly, she might have lied about it so I wouldn’t ask about him once I got older— not that it really matters now, anyways.”
“You think she would have lied about that?” Sae questions with a furrowed brow.
Nodding without hesitation. “Yeah.” He shrugs. “And, well, my mom herself became chronically ill. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong no matter how many times she got checked out. It got so bad she could hardly move, and she ended up developing a really severe blood clot… so… you know….”
Sae swallows thickly, blinking away whatever emotion is creeping onto his face. It’s quiet for a few moments after that. Expected. What are you supposed to say in response?
“So you’ve been with your grandmother ever since…?” Easing away from the subject.
“I moved in with her before my mom passed.” Lips going crooked, Ryusei sighs. “The man my mom had been with for most of my childhood left her whenever she wasn’t able to… have sex with him anymore… because of her condition. He was all of the income since she stopped the prostitution stuff for him. So, with him gone, she had no money, and gave me to her mom. She died when I was around thirteen.”
Navigating life afterwards was difficult. With a grandmother so distant, that paternal role— despite his poor references of what that means— was gone. Fighting between evils, he did. Being upset about his mother’s death, and being upset with the carelessness she displayed in life. In some ways, perhaps, all this pain began because of her. Grieving the loss of somebody while grieving the loss of his childhood, his innocence, and his happiness— it was torturous.
He learned to cope on his own. Ryusei can barely remember how it first started, soccer. Maybe it was fate, from how it all fell into place. Before he knew it, his gaping soul was full of an intense joy from something simple, and soon enough, as long as there was soccer, there was a reason to smile.
The lifelong ache he’d experienced found something else it had be yearning for; somebody who understood this passion. Whenever he looks at the man in front of him, every second spent in pain is worth it if it means he gets to be right here, right now.
“You know,” Ryusei begins, his smile mirroring his heart. “I don’t think there’s any point in wondering who you would have been without soccer.”
Sae’s eyebrows pull together. “Coming back to that all of a sudden—“
“Wherever we are, what we choose to do… we’ll always be ourselves, won’t we?” His hand is clasped on top of Sae’s. “At least, that’s what I think. If you have any grievances in this life, you need to fix it before you can’t anymore.”
The look he receives in response is unlike any other. Eyes of glass, reflecting those words right back. That porcelain face cracks in just moments of rumination, Sae’s mouth opening with a sharp inhale of breath as a struggling tear makes its way down his cheek. “Why…”
Ryusei’s chest stings at the sight, wrapping his arms around his trembling frame to pull him close. Against his chest again, like before, with his fingers gripping the lent shirt. “Sae…” he’s not sure how to console somebody like him.
“I’m such a selfish… person…” Sae sniffles, choking on the breath. “I have a family… my parents care for me… my-my brother— what am I even doing…?”
“If you’re comparing our situations, you shouldn’t—“
“Why?!” He pulls away as he shouts. Brows furrowed so tightly, his forehead is wrinkled to accompany the sorrowed pink color of his face. “To make myself feel better?! No— I’m selfish. I know I am. I don’t hate my family, they’re not perfect but they’re not horrible… I’m taking for granted everything to protect myself from caring— why?!” Sae eyes are blown, head shaking over and over again while his fingers creep up to his neck in anxiety.
Ryusei is almost unable to think, so unsure of what to do in this situation. He’d never imagine seeing Sae in a state like this. Watching him sob, a blubbering mess of worry… how can he possibly help him through this?
“Sae…” he whispers. “Just because my family is shit doesn’t make your situation lesser than. You’ll always have your own frustrations and wishes with how things should be, that’s human.” Ryusei slips his fingers into those muted pink locks. “Fixing things is harder said than done, so don’t worry too much over it.“
Sae sits up straighter, lips wobbling into a small frown whenever they meet eyes again. “Things are really messed up between Rin and I…”
Ryusei gulps loudly at the words. He’s known (obviously, from his time around Rin) that there’s some major tensions between them. He was never exactly sure how true it was from all the ridiculous groveling he’d hear about it, though.
“I thought because of how well our relationship was, he’d take my wishes into account more easily, but whenever I told him about something important, the way he reacted was more hurtful than I could of imagined.” Sae sniffles another time, wiping off his tears. “I think hearing him speak so negatively about my changed ambitions was too painful. After everything I’ve done… he couldn’t do this one thing for me…? I was so angry. I said too much in response, but it pissed me off. His expectations of who I should be… I hate it.”
Ryusei has a lot to say, but holds his tongue. Having known both him and Rin now, seeing their attitudes— no matter what the situation is, they’re too stubborn to concede on their own. He’s sure Sae knows that too, which is another reason it probably hurts. This nature of his, to stand tall against all odds.
“Have you tried talking to him about it?”
“I don’t know what to say to him.” Sae murmurs. “I want him to be his own person and stop hanging on to this. I want him to play soccer on his own accord, not because of me. I’m so tired of thinking about this. I just want… none of it.”
“That’s something you need to figure out how to articulate.” Ryusei stands up from the floor to move onto the bed. He offers a hand out to Sae who slowly takes it, being pulled onto the bed, beside him. “And I think we both know that you’re not that best at voicing some of your thoughts properly.” He smiles as he said, hoping to cushion the blow.
Sae doesn’t seem upset by it, probably aware of this by now. How could he not be? “Yeah…” he whispers, wiping another weak tear away.
“So, I think that’s something to work on, and something that will help a lot.” Ryusei wants to kiss all over those swollen lips of his, unable to ignore how cute he looks right now despite the reasoning. “Look, you’re starting to do it with me! So, it’s not impossible~ You’ll get there.”
Sae’s eyes meet his, the crying seeming to be at a pause. For now. He scans Ryusei’s entire face before nodding carefully. “I guess so.”
Ryusei wraps his arms around him. “I know you will.” He assures, squeezing his body a few times before pulling away. “I’m kinda enjoying being the only person who gets to see you like this…”
Sae presses their foreheads together. He takes in all of the man in front of him before leaning forward to collide lips. It’s gentle, slow. Cherishing each other and the safety of this touch. “You’re special.” He says to him, intent deep in his stare. “I don’t want anybody else but you to know these things about me. And I’ll kill you if you tell anyone else.”
Ryusei’s heart is so loud he almost misses what he said. “Please let me be the only person.” He utters breathlessly.
Sae hums. “It’s your decision to keep it that way. I don’t have interest anyone else, I never have.”
Those words feel holy. Shidou Ryusei, the sole person to be granted this honor. The clouds part for this light to reach him, and he’s sure now this is what he’s been waiting for this whole time. Feathered, heavenly body, offering a hand out to one much less sanctified than its own. How did he get so lucky?
A single sentence rests at the tip of his tongue. Ryusei wants to say it aloud, to his face, out on the balcony and shout it for everyone to hear— but for now, this is more than enough.
“Kiss me again.” He utters.
Sae has no hesitations. His lips meet Ryusei’s in seconds, wet and puffy from all of the crying. He can taste the salt between them, too, making a small smile inch onto his face, loving that he can have so much of Sae at once.
“Why are you always smiling, creep.” He murmurs as he pulls away.
Ryusei’s grin only widens. “It’s my body’s natural reaction to being with you.”
Sae hums another time, clearing his throat as he looks off. “You really are too easy to please, you know that?” He scoots over to other side of the bed, slipping beneath the blankets, a long huff following. “Well, whatever.” Ryusei follows his lead, getting comfortable in the sheets as well. “Come… hold me. Let’s take a nap.”
Quickly, their weights settle against each other, back to chest, falling perfectly into one another’s body flow. Ryusei’s hand sneaks beneath Sae’s shirt to rest on his stomach, nose pressed into his nape as he inhales all of his scent. They smell the same right now, and that makes him smile once more. Becoming one so simply.
“I hope even in my dreams, you’re still there.” He whispers into his pale skin.
The blush that creeps onto the back of Sae’s neck makes up for the silence in the air. Ryusei never gets a response, but the telling signs of his body is enough to comfort him. He knows. Sae doesn’t preach about it, but he knows, and that’s enough for him.
—
With the closet suddenly opening, the light hits his face quicker than he can pretend to be distracted with something. The hot wave of embarrassment swallows his body whole, heart beating louder than his ears can keep up. Slowly, he’s opening his eyes to face his mother once building up enough courage, only to be met with that strange man instead.
“Where…” for some reason, Ryusei feels so scared. “Where’s my mom?”
The person in front of him crouches down to his level. Hand on his shoulder suddenly, he smiles. “She went out to do something.”
Tears begin to well in Ryusei’s eyes. “I want my mom!” He shouts, shoving that big, rough hand off. “Get away!” His whole body shivers with an unknown sense of fear. He can’t understand why he’s crying. All he knows is that he wants his mother so badly it hurts. He doesn’t want whatever this is.
The stranger chuckles, picking him up easily. Ryusei beats his fists against the man’s back as he screams out, eyes widening in trepidation. Something’s wrong. This is wrong.
Quickly, he’s being tossed onto the bed. The man sits down beside him. “Hey kid, calm down.” He eases out. “Don’t be so rude to me, okay? ‘Cause I know your secret.”
Immediately, Ryusei is stilling at the words. He sniffles the tears away while staring at him. “W-what secret…?” He whispers. His heart is sinking to his toes in worry, unsure in which way he has been caught. There are many things he has done wrong. There are many things he has promised his mother that he has not carried through on.
The man brings his lips close to his ear. “I know you watch us.”
The stinging pain in his chest hurts more than being in the closet itself. “No, I don’t!” He voices quickly, lips trembling to match the agonizing heat of his body.
“Don’t lie to me.” It’s stern. “It’s okay, so you don’t need to pretend. I’m not gonna be mad.”
Ryusei’s hands clench tightly in his lap, feet dangling off the end of the bed as he carefully looks over to meet eyes with this stranger. “Does… my mom know…?” He’s terrified of it being true. He’s acutely aware of what will happen if she finds out.
A shaking head. “No.” The worry begins to fade away. “It’s our little secret, now.”
Ryusei still feels uneasy, somehow. “Okay…”
“Say…” the heat of the stranger’s body is pressed against him. “Why do you watch us? Do you… want to do it, too?” Whenever he sees the twist in the boy’s face, he’s patting his blonde hair. “Hey, like I said, you’re not in trouble. You can be honest with me. Do you want to?”
Ryusei’s heartbeat is deafening. He’s scared. Yeah— he’s definitely scared. “Maybe…” he whispers, tears slipping down his cheeks once more. “When is my mommy coming back?”
“Calm down. She’ll be back soon.” He rubs the nape of Ryusei’s neck, slipping his fingers into his hair. “If you want to do what your mother and I do, you could have just asked. But, it’s just between you and me, okay?”
Suddenly, with the quick hitch of his breath, everything is ice cold. It burns. It’s excruciating. Ryusei is winded and teary, shaking like a leaf in the autumn breeze. Harsh as it comes, he’s soon sinking deep beneath the surface, choking on every bit of life he has left.
“Ryusei…”
No.
“Ryusei.”
No, no, no…
“Ryusei!”
The latter is sitting up hastily in a cold sweat. He’s gasping, inhaling deep, coughing his exhale out. Sae is beside him, a hand on his wet back. He’s— oh. He’s at the hotel. He’s… okay. “Sae…” he whispers in relief.
“Are you alright? You were twitching and groaning in your sleep…” For once, his eyes mirror his worry. It’s almost enough for Ryusei to forget about everything all together, knowing this person is here to care for him.
“Sae…” he murmurs again. It’s like a medicine to his sickness.
Easily, he’s wrapping his arms around the redhead’s frame and burying himself into his chest. The warmth of his body consumes the chills deep throughout him. Evening his body out. Comforting his psyche. “Hey… you’re trembling like crazy…” Sae holds him tightly without mind, fingers trailing from his neck to his hair— it’s different, now. With him. This is different.
“Please… keep holding me…”
Sae nods with his head atop of his. “Yeah…”
“Please… don’t get tired of me…” Ryusei continues. If there’s anything he wants at this very second, it’s for Sae to love him back so tenderly.
The latter pulls him down onto the bed again, pressed upon each other they lay. “Stupid…” he breathes out faintly. “I should be telling you that.”
Ryusei shakes his head. “No. I’ll never get sick of you.” As intense as it sounds, he’s certain it’s the truth. Not a single ounce of trepidation reaches his tongue. “Even though it’s asking for a lot, I want you all to myself. I want… everything of yours, and to give you all of me. Please…”
He can hear the intensity of Sae’s heartbeat through his chest. “What are you asking for right now…?”
Ryusei pulls away from him so they can meet eyes, face-to-face. He’s unsure if it’s the sickly memories giving him the courage to make this jump, or the fact that he knows now this is his biggest wish. To love unashamedly. To love human connection. To love Sae. “Be mine.” Every touch of theirs is a miracle. He’s no longer able to keep it casual. “I want to be the only person who will know these feelings towards you. And I want you to be the person who accepts them.”
“Ryusei…” Sae’s face is… crystal clear. For the first time, Ryusei understands him before he can say it out loud.
“Every day I’ll prove myself for your sake.” He carries on, needing to get this across. “I’ll be someone you can be proud to have beside you. I promise. So please, say yes. I won’t disappoint you.”
Sae’s eyebrows pull together, twitching while his lips purse. “Idiot—“ he yanks him in faster than he can blink, kissing Ryusei with as much force as he can muster. He’s responding without words. Reciprocating despite the quietness. “You don’t need to convince me, so be quiet.”
Ryusei smiles widely, pressing their lips together again. This addictive feeling is stronger than serotonin. He’s over the moon.
They’re flush against each other like animals in the highest season. Ryusei wants nothing else than to become one with him. “What time is it?” He asks while his lips trail to Sae’s stomach, lifting his shirt up. The expanse of his skin alone excites him a worrisome amount.
“It’s four in the morning.” Sae responds, staring down at him.
“Are you sleepy?” Ryusei wonders with his mouth to the redhead’s navel. He’s suckling. Leaving yet another mark (he’s sure Sae is going to be flabbergasted by the amount of hickeys on him at this point.)
He only gets a hum in response. Neither a yes nor a no. It’s a subtle invitation.
So, Ryusei’s hands wander up Sae’s shirt, caressing his body with every second that passes. He will prove himself in more ways than one, both tonight and tomorrow, and much beyond that. Every kiss to his skin is a promise. Every touch to his being is a vow. Sae, watch me fully. His words may not express his gratitude as much as his body can. Still, he will try his best.
Ryusei props himself up to hover above him, the tips of their noses touching. “I want to show you all my love.”
Sae’s low eyes seem heavier than usual. He’s wordless as he reaches to grab the bag from the convenience store they visited earlier, tossing it at Ryusei. He looks off afterwards, staring at anything but the man in front of him.
Ryusei blinks a few times to collect himself, unsure of what any of this means until he’s opening it up to see what’s inside.
Lube and condoms.
“Sae-Chan…” he utters in disbelief. Though, it doesn’t take long for an ear-reaching grin to creep up on him. “So that’s what took you so long.”
Sae clears his throat. The moon shines through the blinds, lighting up the room enough to see his flushed face. “I knew it would happen sooner or later…” he murmurs, finally meeting eyes with him again. “I wanted to be ready. And, I am. So… it’s fine now. You can do it.”
“Yeah?” He’s lowering himself onto Sae’s neck. Kissing, licking.
“Yeah.”
Ryusei grinds his half-hard dick against Sae’s thigh as he sucks onto his collarbone. “Take this off,” he murmurs while tugging his shirt. Easily, Sae’s listening, not only pulling his own off but Ryusei’s as well before bringing his chin close to kiss him again. It’s much hungrier than before; they want one another deeply. Starving beasts finally getting fed. Their tongues fight for dominance inside each other’s mouths, pushing eagerly, proving a point. “Your boxers, too.”
Sae hums. “Do it for me.”
Toothy smile and all, Ryusei is pulling his underwear off, lips trailing down his legs in the same motion. Sae’s cock is already so hard despite the lack of touch. “Are you excited?” He wonders teasingly, watching the way it twitches at the words alone. Sae is as introverted as they come, never sharing too much, yet his body is louder than ever. He doesn’t have to say a word and Ryusei can tell exactly what he’s thinking by the reactions alone. “Can I suck it again?”
Sae’s hands slip into those blonde locks of his. “Yeah,”
Ryusei can’t help how excited it makes him. He’s mouthing his ballsack with slobber within seconds of approval, hallowing his cheeks to suck it in and out. Gentle, to not hurt him, but hard enough to feel all of the pleasure. And, with the noises Sae is voicing out, it seems to be working just fine. His left hand jacks him off sloppily, too, matching the pace of his eager mouth.
“Mmnn…” Loose with his satisfaction. It’s about the only time Sae’s walls crumble so easily.
His pubes are drenched in Ryusei’s saliva, tickling his cupids bow each time he’s sucking back down onto one of his balls. It’s so wet it even begins dripping down to his ass, making the smallest of puddles on the sheet beneath him.
The blonde groans at the sight, pulling away from his scrotum and moving to his cock. The tip is leaking, eager. Ryusei licks the slick of it before taking his head, then half way, then… fully. The salty taste of precum settles onto his tongue. It’s good. To do this for Sae, it’s good.
“Mmgh!” Twitching legs, gripping fingers.
Ryusei chokes on his dick nearly every time it reaches the back of his throat, tears brimming in his eyes. It’s a distressing sensation but the sounds he gets in return make it all worth it.
His heart pounds loudly thinking of where to go from here, shaky hand moving to pull his pants and boxers down, revealing his vulnerability. His pulse is strong, almost painful. Why does he suddenly feel anxious? Maybe it’s simply the nerves of being able to do this. The nerves of finally… wanting this? He’s unsure. Still, his fingers are swiping the drool collecting on Sae’s groin, slowly bringing them to his backside.
Ryusei eyes screw shut tightly whenever he’s pushing a finger into himself. It’s the first time he has ever done this on his own, uncertain of what to do, but trying his hardest for Sae’s sake. At the same pace as his bobbing head, his finger moves.
“Ryusei…” the redhead moans, head tilted back to enjoy the warmth of his mouth. “Feels good…”
The vibration of his responding hum adds to Sae’s pleasure. He’s groaning with furrowed brows, incidentally thrusting deeper. Ryusei gags loudly because of this, pulling off the catch his breath.
Ah, all of this is making his head spin.
He takes another deep inhale before swallowing Sae’s cock again, tears finally streaming down. Saliva covers the entirety of his lower face, finger still moving slowly inside of himself. He curls it to try and find the satisfaction in this. Desperate for the relief. Eager to understand the supposed pleasure.
Sae’s holding tightly onto his hair every time he’s taking his dick deep. Trembling frame, suppressed groans. Ryusei is addicted to all of these things from him, going faster, faster, faster— mouth and hand. A second finger is pushing inside now. He tries to distract himself with the sight of this man in front of him, who’s frivolously divulging in the rapture of Ryusei’s actions, but it’s not enough.
He pulls off with a popping sound, a string of saliva keeping them connected. “I think… it’d be better if you did it for me.”
Sae lifts his head back up to look forward again, cheeks dusted in a fiery color. “Huh?” His eyes are so low with seduction, looking dazed, and even more than that, confused.
Ryusei scoots close enough to straddle his legs, using his once busy hand to bring Sae’s over. “I’ve never fingered myself before, so maybe it’d feel better if you did it instead.” He swallows thickly, pressing a kiss to his lips. Whenever he’s pulling away though, Sae’s face is screaming some kind of distress, very visibly.
“Idiot!” He shouts suddenly. “Is… is that what you were doing while you were sucking me off…?”
Ryusei heart sinks faster than he can think. Did he do something wrong? “Well… yes?”
Sae lips are quivering. His bobbing Adam’s apple mirrors all of his upset. “Just, stop.” He murmurs, shaking his head. He’s lying back against the bed once more, looking out the window to collect himself. It’s completely silent. Maybe awkward. Definitely compromising. “I… wanted to…” he doesn’t finish. “I thought you knew that.”
Ryusei’s eyes widen. He’s almost speechless— no, he’s speechless. He never would have imagined an instance like this. He’d thought for sure, without a doubt, someone as high and mighty as Itoshi Sae would want to be the one to… do the fucking. Maybe he misheard him? “You want me to put it in you?”
Suddenly, Sae’s shyness washes away like a tide pulling the salt back from the shore. “Yeah.” He says, deadpan.
Ryusei exhales the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, falling forward to laugh into Sae’s shoulder. “Ah, shit.” He whispers. “I’m kind of relieved…” he sits back up to smile at him.
Sae raises a brow, that naturally pissed look on his expression. “If you didn’t feel comfortable doing it in the first place, why did you assume…?”
Ryusei pushes his bangs back, getting a good look at his face. “I’d do anything if it were for you.” He never really gave it much thought. It isn’t like it’s something he can’t do— he knows that. His body can take it. So, if it makes Sae happy to do that, by all means, it’s fine. Even if it isn’t what he’d prefer, it’s better than never feeling his touch at all.
Sae still seems irked in some way despite this. “That’s a little dangerous…” he murmurs. “Don’t do shit for me that you don’t want to. I don’t need that guilt weighing on me.”
Ryusei can’t say he fully understands what he means, but he doesn’t care enough to mull over it any longer. His aching dick is hanging out in the open, just barely inches away from Sae’s. Now that this new opportunity has welcomed itself, he’s done with the talking. He wants to do this. He wants to do him.
Ryusei slowly slides off to the end of the bed again, pressing sweet kisses against Sae’s cock before trailing them down, lower, further… until he can feel the warmth of his asshole on his mouth.
“What— the fuck are you doing?”
Ryusei looks up to meet eyes with him. For some reason, he is way more aroused than before. “I’m gonna to eat you out.”
He has no hesitations now. Unlike minutes ago, suddenly, everything feels right. There’s no more uncertainty. He wants to do this. He aching for it. His tongue plants against Sae earnestly, moaning to himself from both the smell of his skin and the heat of his hole. Ryusei’s gripping Sae’s thighs beneath the pit of his knees, pushing forward until his vulnerability is facing upwards, exposing the entirety of his ass and much more. He laps his tongue over him, again, again, again— making it wet by the time he’s sliding it inside. It’s so tight he almost can’t manage to do it, but as he pulls Sae flush against his face, he’s able to push hard enough. He breaks past the tense ring. Tasting him fully.
The surrounding warmth makes his eyes roll back. Knowing this is the closest he’ll ever get to being one with Sae, he’s groaning in excitement.
“Shit!” Sae is shaking like a damn leaf. His brows are twitching to their own accord, mouth falling slack each time Ryusei’s tongue slides back in after sucking his asshole. “It kinda— mngh! It tickles.”
Ryusei chuckles breathily against him. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” he musters up. Their aroused eyes meet one another, watching in full.
Ryusei never breaks their contact. He’s staring through him all while making love to his ass with his mouth. He doesn’t care about the hair, he doesn’t care about the fact that maybe this is a little dirty— all he cares about is treating Sae. Watching every croak and quiver in response to his pleasing tongue. It’s enough on its own, but right now, he wants even more.
Once he feels how much more relaxed he has become, Ryusei’s pulling away to grab the convenience store bag. He’d eat him out all day if he could, yet, in this instance, it’s unrealistic if he wants to go beyond that. He needs to stretch him out further. The last thing he’d like is for Sae to feel any kind of pain from his own doing.
Ryusei squeezes the lube into the palm of his hand, spreading most of it against him. He listens to his quiet noise of surprise. “This will tickle a little less, but I got you.” He promises, leaning forward to kiss him, tilting his head to deepen it. All of his words are his love. All of his actions are his fondness. “I promise.”
Sae pecks his Cupid’s bow whenever he’s pulling away. “I know that, dickhead.”
In his own manner, this is Sae’s love showing right back.
Ryusei smiles. He kisses his knee, still keeping eye contact as he pushes a finger into him. Careful, easy… it slips in rather effortlessly from how soft it became from his tongue. And, by the look on Sae’s face, it isn’t uncomfortable. He’s sucking on his bottom lip while gazing back at Ryusei, relaxing into the motion of it.
“It’s okay?” The blonde wonders.
Sae nods, watching the way Ryusei uses his free hand to jerk himself off. “My dog’s impatient…” he says in result.
Something about it is exciting. Like a shock of electricity coursing throughout him. He enjoys these sentiments— probably because it means Sae has some sort of dependency to him that no one else has. He’ll be his dog. He can yank, pull, tug him wherever and he’ll follow. He’ll wait patiently day in and day out just to be together when the sun sets. And, most importantly, he’ll cover him head-to-toe in affection.
Ryusei curls his finger towards the frontside of Sae’s body, satisfied with the moans that tumble from his lips. “Is it right here?” He asks out loud, not needing a response. Sae’s reactions are enough. The way his hand falls forward to hold his abdomen… he’s definitely feeling it.
Ryusei wants to take his time with everything, methodically prepare all that needs to be done. On the flip side of that coin, he also just wants to shove his cock inside as quickly as possible. The thought of seeing Sae writhe beneath him is exhilarating. He wants to get to that part.
“I’m adding another finger,” beyond eager. Index parallel to his middle, he’s pushing it in, listening carefully to the squelch of the lube. It makes his dick twitch.
“Mmnn…” Sae’s face puckers for a moment, easing into the sensation of it all.
“Still okay?”
“S’fine,” Sae swallows thickly. “Keep going.”
Caressing his insides, his fingers move fluidly, in and out. All the wet sounds that come from it make his dick seem so painfully hard. It’s aching to be inside. To swap places with his hand. Connect with him beyond the surface level.
Again, Ryusei is curling his fingers towards the front of his body, trying to pull any sort of feedback he can.
“Augh! Shit—“ Sae lolls his head, jaw clenching tightly. His asshole mirrors the tension; his whole body does. “It feels weird…”
“In which way?” He doesn’t stop.
Hooking into that lump within him. He knows exactly what he’s doing, which is why he isn’t worried about Sae’s trepidations. “Like— mmgh!” Shaking, squeezing, trapping Ryusei inside. “Feels like I might… pee— is that normal?”
He hums, leaning forward enough for their faces to be mere centimeters apart. Ryusei can feel Sae’s hot breath. “I think so.” Probably. “Does it feel good at least?” He’s pumping, going. Staring intently at every reaction he receives in return.
“I don’t know,” Sae answers honestly.
Ryusei brings their lips together. He can’t get enough. The scent of his moisturizer tickles his nose, making his sweet body even more delectable. “Try to relax.” He expresses. “It’s only going to be more uncomfortable if you tense up like this.”
“It’s hard.” Sae whispers.
“Here,” Ryusei brings his hand away from himself. Instead, he connects theirs together. “Squeeze it if you need to. As much as you want. But relax the rest of your body, okay?”
Sae’s already holding tightly by the time he’s finished speaking. Face feathered in color, eyes half-lidded, lips barely parted. “Okay,” he utters. He’s so soft spoken, unlike his usual crass self. Despite the strain, he’s trying his very hardest to ease himself into the feeling, even grinding down slightly whenever Ryusei continues his restless pace. “Augh!”
“There you go…” he encourages absentmindedly. Everything about the state he’s in is arousing. “Just keep squeezing my hand…” Ryusei kisses along his collarbone, trying to distract him as he bundles a third finger against the other two, pushing it inside.
“Shit—“ Sae croaks out, pulling the blonde even closer. Chest-to-chest. His free hand is groping the tacky sweat of his back. “It-it really does… feel weird…”
Ryusei smiles, prodding over and over. Sae begins doubling over each time he’s pressing into his prostate, fingernails digging deep into the blonde’s knuckles. He’s exhaling every uncomfortable sensation. Panting, exasperated, stupefied. Ryusei uses his body weight to push Sae back down against the bed, holding him there as he thrusts his fingers in.
“Mmgh… Mmnn!” He’s choking on built up saliva, coughing with his moans.
“It makes me so horny how vocal you get…” Ryusei reveals.
Sae grits his teeth, squeezing his hand with so much force the blonde yelps in pain. “If you don’t stop I won’t let you put it in.” He says, stern, and meaning every word. Ryusei knows. He’s already lucky enough he’s gotten this far, so he supposes he won’t push his luck any further. As much as he’d like to shower Sae with praise, it’s not something a person like him enjoys. Well— maybe not that. He’s probably just uncomfortable with the sentiments, because it points out his vulnerability.
That’s fine, too.
“Sae,” he whispers suddenly, dismissing everything. The eye contact they hold makes all his desires creep up. “Can I do it? Do you… feel ready?” Sae is wordless in response. He takes a long, deep inhale, breathing out all the worries he may have soon after. “We can keep doing this if you need more—“
“No.” He interrupts. “I want you now.”
Ryusei’s heart is beating so loud. Drumming in his ears, thumping hard enough to deafen him. Unable to get a single word out either, he’s connecting their lips together in one swift motion. Greedy, eating him alive, sucking on his tongue, biting it— refusing to control his lust any longer. “Let me…” he starts while pulling away, almost forgetting to finish his sentence because of how irreducibly sexy Sae looks. “Put a condom on.”
Carefully, he’s releasing their holds on each other, slipping his fingers out. Sae mewls at the emptiness, and not much longer, a soft blush dusts his cheeks whenever he realizes. It contrasts his typical bored expression well. If it wasn’t for the telling color on his face, Ryusei would probably never guess his true emotions at this second.
He finds it quite cute.
With the smallest of chuckles at the thought, he’s reaching over to the bag and grabbing the condoms. “You should put it on for me,” he jokes while pulling a string of them out. He wants to get a reaction from him.
“Okay.” Sae agrees in a nonchalant tone. “Hand one to me.”
…Huh?
“Oh—“ now, his own cheeks fall ablaze. Ryusei swallows the thick lump in his throat, giving one over. “I think I might cum from you just putting it on…”
Sae is sat upright, ripping the wrapper open. He presses the condom to the head of his cock. “You better not.” He says this all while pulling it down the length of his dick, having to use both hands to secure it. The blonde groans at the small amount of touch he’s finally receiving. “There.” Without a moment to pass, he’s pulling him in for yet another kiss, lying back down against the bed once their lips part.
Ryusei is almost too starstruck by the sight in front of him to continue. Pale body glistening beneath the moonlight, bare for his pleasure, flushed from his doing. It’s the most beautiful thing he has ever witnessed. It feels like a dream— what if it is?
God, he hopes he never wakes up.
Ryusei’s coming back to his senses after a moment of weakness though, spreading lube over himself. He can’t wait any longer.
By the look on Sae’s face, maybe he can’t either.
It’s all so exciting. “Sae,” he croaks out, propping himself above his starlit frame. Ryusei’s fingers trail up his wrist until their hands intertwine once more.
Sae hums, looking down at their groins rubbing together. “Don’t make me impatient.”
Ryusei laughs at his obscure nature, pressing his lips against his bangs while lining himself up. “You’re so amazing.” He squeezes Sae’s hand to express the meaning. He wants to give him everything and more. For now, he’s hoping this will hold him over for the time being. “You can still squeeze my hand if you need to.“
“Stop playing around already and just— augh!” Sae is forced into silence by the thrust Ryusei makes inside of him, eyes widening in surprise. His whole body heaves and trembles. “Fuck…” he rasps out, hand straining so aggressively around Ryusei’s that his fingers start to tingle from the lack of circulation.
Nonetheless, the latter pushes further, going from a quarter to half. He groans in Sae’s face when all the pleasure hits him at once, lips wobbling into a concentrated frown. “So… tight…”
Face puckering, wrinkled chin. “Mmgh…”
“Are you okay?”
Long inhale, even longer exhale. “Keep going.”
Ryusei listens, not having to be told twice. Of course not. He’s pushing until his hip bones rest on the back of Sae’s thighs, entire cock inside. “Fuck…” It’s so damn tight his dick is being suctioned, unable to move no matter how much he tries. “Try to… mmngh!” He is swallowed in full. Being begged to stay put. “Relax a little.”
Sae’s Adam’s apple bobs, glossy eyes to complement his trembling body. “I’m trying…” he utters. “It hurts, you bastard.”
Ryusei smiles. “I love your dirty talk.”
Whether it’s purposeful or not, the intensity of Sae’s body eases ever so slightly, harsh hand and all. Ryusei takes this as an opening.
Pulling back so the tip is the only thing left inside, he’s plunging forward until he can’t go any further. “Sae!” he moans. Shudders run down his spine from all the euphoria he’s drowning in, twitching deeper and deeper inside. Sae’s everywhere. Warm, wet, surrounding his cock and sucking it carnivorously. It feels so good. “Oh, shit— mngh!” He’s moaning yet another time, throwing his head back. Whimper after whimper, spewing his love forcefully until he’s completely emptied out.
He's horrified at the realization. No way…
There’s a fleeting silence. “Did you…”
Ryusei makes a weird croaking/whine noise. “Mmnn…” yes, he hums in response, swallowing the thick lump of humiliation as they meet eyes. His entire face and being is ablaze. “You… feel so good. It… just happened…” Panting, trying to catch his breath after such an intense high.
Sae clicks his tongue. “Don’t be all shy,” he murmurs. “It’s kind of… sexy.”
Huffing and puffing, Ryusei can’t help but chuckle. In disbelief of what happened, in disbelief of Sae not being totally turned off— all of it. “You like my pathetic side, don’t you?”
“You said it, not me.”
Ryusei heaves, slowly pulling out to rip the condom off. There’s a lot of cum. An embarrassing amount, really. “I’m still hard!” He assures, sounding a little too proud of it, and immediately cringing inwardly. Still, he needs to make it clear. “Let me put another one on, one s—“
“I can’t wait that long.” Sae interrupts. His tone is assertive. “Put it back in.”
Ryusei snaps his head forward, dirty rubber thrown into the abyss of darkness. “Raw…?”
“Yeah.” Easily said. How could he not waver during this?! “I want to know what it feels like.”
“Are you sure…? I mean, it’s fine— I’ll put one on. It’s not a problem.” He wants to be some sort of a gentleman. Ryusei has barely been able to hold back this whole time; having bareback sex is going to be the breaking point. “Safety’s import—“
“You’re clean, aren’t you?” A nod. “We’re men, aren’t we.” Another nod. “And I’m sure deep down you’re actually dying for it, am I right?” How can he possibly deny this invitation?! Ryusei may be a gentleman (definitely not) but he’s a man more than anything. There’s nothing else he could ever wish for than to feel the inside of Sae with no barrier. Fully chaste ass all to himself…
Ah, shit. What does it matter anymore, anyways.
This will make up for the premature ejaculating. “Fine!” Ryusei agrees as if he was actually debating it in his head (he wasn’t, all his sense is out the door at this point.) He lines his slick cock against him again, staring down. “Let’s hope I don’t get you pregnant.”
Sae hums. “You’d like that too much.” After all the shit that he spewed on the field about fertilizing the soccer goal, it isn’t an outrageous assumption to make.
He can’t disagree. He won’t. So, fingers tightening around Sae’s, he’s taking this as his chance to thrust back inside. He kisses those pink knuckles while listening to the sweet sound of his foreign pleasure. Groaning, teeth gritting from the unfamiliar feeling… this sight of Sae is beautiful. Even his quivering body is powerful.
“Ah— hah!” Lolling head and rolling eyes. “Ryusei…” breathless while pulling him closer, close enough for his lips to tickle the shell of his ear. “It feels so good like this.”
Ryusei moans his arousal loudly with complete exemption of shame. He has no restraint left whatsoever. None. Without a second of hesitation, he’s forcing himself in and out. Plunging deep inside, only to pull out to the very tip, and shoving it right back in. His cum-soaked dick makes everything so wet, so slippery, so easy to fuck him without remorse. The weak willed noises Sae emits could send Ryusei to outer space from the head high he’s experiencing.
“Sae,” he just wants to say his name. Deep within, feeling the grip of his delighted body. “Sae—“
Both of them sing in harmony whenever Ryusei’s the furthest he has gone. Starry eyes of pleasure. Lightheaded in rapture. Beautifully intertwined, becoming one.
“Mmgh!” Crooning dove, seemingly so soft and meek. Peckish nature on show with a hanging jaw, voicing hunger loudly in the face of its rightful companion. More. “Augh!” More.
Sae shines brighter than the stars cascading from outside. Despite his contrary personality, here he is, glimmering. Ryusei’s lucky enough to be able to reach out and touch it. Grab it. “Sae…” He tightens the hold they have on each other’s hands. A sense of belonging within the dimness of life’s mess. Treasure in the darkest parts of the sea. “Sae…”
All of fate’s hurdles and mountains brought him to this very moment. Despite everything he’s gone through, whenever they’re meeting eyes, Sae visibly caressing him in his stare makes it all seem worth it. For him to cling to Ryusei, need him in some capacity— it’s the biggest explosion there is. What makes it even more exciting is that Ryusei knows now that Sae is completely divulging himself in this as well. All hesitations are washed away by a remarkable spark, souls fusing so effortlessly.
It feels amazing to be loved in this way.
“What…” Sae breathes out in confusion, a tear dropping onto his face from above. “Why are you crying…?”
Ryusei sniffles, ceasing his movements for a moment. “I’m so… happy to be… making memories with you.” Everything he has yearned for is now within his grasp. The rapport, understanding, and willingness to indulge one another. He’s no longer disillusioned. All of his wishes are tangible. “You’re incredible…“
Sae observes every word leaving his lips. Salty tears for taste, squeezing hand for assurance. He’s quiet as he sits up, letting go of their grasp on one other to hold his face with both palms, kissing him. The whole world is paused. On stage, the spotlight is pointed to them. Nothing else matters.
“You’re such a softie.” He whispers into his mouth, pulling away.
Ryusei sniffles another time, nestling Sae’s hand while he wipes his weeping face. “Maybe,”
A small chuckle, an even smaller smile. “Lay down.” Sae tells him, releasing the hold he has on his face to push onto his chest, until his back is against the sheets. Ryusei can’t exactly remember when it was that he had pulled out— it must have been amidst the crying— but now Sae is hovering above, fingers just barely holding his cock beneath him, pressing it to his ass. “You’re the only person who gets to have me like this.”
Sae sinks himself onto Ryusei’s dick, trying to stay composed as he does it, yet the ravishing sensation has him moaning out loud in seconds.
“Mmgh! S-Sae…” Ryusei can hardly contain himself either.
Every time Sae’s body weight is dropping back down on top of him, it’s like a wave of rapture, numbing his being until all he can sense is the ecstasy. This is so much better than his hand. This is so much better than touching a girl. This is so much better than he’d even imagined it would be, and whether that’s because it’s sex he wants, or because it’s sex with Sae, he’s unsure. All he knows is that this is one of the most exciting moments of his life. To run his fingers over every inch and hold it tight, fuck— it’s amazing.
“It’s… so…” The redhead murmurs quietly. Bouncing, groaning. “It’s so… deep— augh!”
“Sae!” Ryusei whimpers out. The heaviness of him on top is too intoxicating. Consistent, and most importantly, barbaric, he moves. “Ah, shit! It-it feels too good… wait!”
“Shush,” One of Sae’s hands moves the cover Ryusei’s mouth, the other wrapping around his own dick. The moment he begins to jack himself off is when he completely loses it. Juxtaposing his usual nonchalant demeanor, he’s loud with his pleasure, and even louder with his demands. “If it feels… too good… mmn…” His eyes that were just screwed shut meet Ryusei’s, a dark look within them. “Then cum inside me.”
Those words alone almost send him over the edge. “Mmph!” He tries beneath his palm.
Sae watches him struggle but refrains from uncovering his mouth. Tilted head, almost sadistic, observing him like an animal behind glass. His tears are slowing but still slipping over Sae’s fingers nonetheless.
Finally though, he pulls his hand away with the faintest of smiles. “Ryusei,” he whispers. “Prove how much I mean to you.”
Every moment he fantasized about, every touch he craved, every time he wished for this— it’s real, now. It’s an exhilarating feeling. Ryusei has not an ounce of refrain, only arousal. He’s going to show Sae. Especially because he’s asking so nicely for once. Demanding so sweetly.
Ryusei grabs each side of his hips, thrusting upwards with all the energy he can muster. He watches the way Sae’s thighs and ass jiggle on impact, making him groan like a teething creature as he fucks into him with all his might. The clapping of his thrusts sound throughout the room, melodic and hypnotizing as he takes in the beauty in front of him. Sae’s body is trembling, hand pumping, head tipping back as he moans his breathy pleasure.
This is so amazing. He… is so amazing.
“You’re perfect,” Ryusei murmurs suddenly, catching the way Sae tightens at the words. “I want… to stay…” he’s working his hips too hard he can barely breathe, so slowly, his gripping hands slide back, pulling him close, hugging him tight. “Stay like this forever…”
With their beings entwined like this, there’s nothing left to grovel over. He has achieved everything he could ever wish for, because Sae is giving him everything he wished for. Even a hat trick on the soccer field isn’t as exciting as this moment right here.
I feel your love, and it feels good.
“Close…” the latter exhales.
Ryusei perks up at that, tightening his arms around him. Every time he thrusts it’s like a promise being made, and watching the way Sae finally meets his eyes again, it’s as if they’re pledging their commitment. I am yours, you are mine.
No matter how far you are, I’ll be here waiting. Your loyal dog with dead-set eyes, a true companion, willing to love despite any hardships we will face.
“I don’t think—“ they both moan whenever Ryusei presses deep inside. “I’ll ever get enough of you…”
Sae is completely spent. Bangs getting stuck to the sweat on his forehead, mouth open for every huff and puff, hand jerking himself desperately. He leans forward with that intoxicating low stare, lips just barely touching the blonde’s. “Good.” He whispers. “Keep it that way.”
Ryusei has so little patience left, so little energy. He can’t even muster up enough motivation to respond, he can only keep thrusting like his life depends on it. And, in some weird, exciting way, it feels like it does. This is him proving himself. Proving to Sae he is worth it. Proving how much he means.
The heavier Sae’s body becomes above him, the closer he is to the finish line. They’re both becoming weak while being indulged this much, panting into each other’s faces and moaning shamelessly whenever the euphoria is peaking. “I’m so close…” Ryusei whimpers out, pressing their lips together fully to kiss him. It’s sloppy because of the thrusts, moving up and down, saliva coating the entirety of his mouth— but it makes him happy.
“‘S good… mmnn… mngh!” Ryusei mouths Sae’s nipple when hearing such gratifying words, salivating everywhere, so animalistic. The ecstasy of this whole situation makes his mind feel empty… hazy… “I’m— augh! Gonna… cum…”
Nothing more exciting has ever been said. Biting down onto him, he’s giving everything he has left. Pounding. Thrusting. Fucking him. “Me too,” he moans out as Sae’s ass sucks him even tighter.
This is it. Eyes rolling while the bliss overcomes him.
“Mngh!” Low from deep within his throat, the moans crawl out. It almost sounds like a growl. “Fuck, there’s so much… fuck! Sae!”
The latter himself is whimpering to match him, inhaling every bit of pleasure as he reaches release. “Mmnn!” His head tips back while his hand pumps every last bit of semen out. Warm, hot, right onto Ryusei’s stomach and chest. “Mngh…”
The blonde’s eyes screw shut even more, cumming so hard he immediately gains a headache from the rapture. Groaning loudly, squeezing Sae firmly. “Holy shit!” He can feel it all inside… he… came inside him… oh, god… it feels too good still and it’s already over. “Sae…” he whines out. “Sae…” he’s pulling them flush against one another, cuddling into his neck.
All that’s left of them is the heaves of lasting euphoria. He doesn’t get a response, nor does he doesn’t need one. Ryusei just wants to say his name to ensure himself of this moment. Of his reality. Right here…. Together… it’s amazing.
This deep ocean he’s constantly drowning in seems so easy to swim inside now. Instead of the vast being dark and dreary, it looks clear. Crystal clear. And although he has stayed positive, it’s like it’s easier to breathe and smile. No matter the waves, the rippling tide, the hurricanes or typhoons— Sae makes it possible to stay afloat.
“Did you pass out…?” He suddenly hears.
Ryusei perks up from the crook of his neck, pulling away to face him. “Almost,” he smiles. “It felt so good I think I almost died and went to heaven.”
Sae raises a brow, only for it to soften almost immediately whenever he’s coming in for another kiss. “You’re an idiot,” he huffs out, hot breath against him.
“You like it.”
Sae hums. “Lucky for you.”
Ryusei grins even more, pressing their lips together again and going deeper. He wishes to be this close, always. “Yeah.” He whispers. “I’m so lucky.”
Their tongues dance in each other’s mouths, the softest of moans slipping out. There’s heat everywhere. Between them and below them, piled up and soaking. He can still feel everything of Sae’s. It’s perfect. The inside is covered in his cum, drowned in his love. No matter how twisted it might be, there’s a satisfied feeling Ryusei is overcome with knowing he practically marked his territory.
“Why are you getting hard again…” Sae mumbles while pulling away from their kiss.
That typical devious grin. “One more time…?”
Sae throws him an intense glare. Without words, Ryusei can read it just fine, but still, he says the hard part out loud. “Have you lost your mind?”
“Of course I have.” He admits. How could he possibly be in his right mind at this point?! “So, is that a no…?”
Sae’s glare only intensifies. “Absolutely, it’s a no.” Carefully, he’s lifting himself from Ryusei’s cock, groaning lowly as he greets the emptiness again. He’s shifting off the bed to stand, clicking his tongue in agitation. “Shit,” he mutters beneath his breath. Ryusei watches the way one of his hands falls downwards to cup all of the cum slipping out of him.
Ah, fuck… it’s so hot.
“C’mon,” Sae says as he looks back at him. “Let’s go clean up.”
—
Without much deliberation, Ryusei ends up staying with Sae at his hotel for the next few days. Neither of them ask for it, it just happens naturally. From dusk to dawn they’re side-by-side, doing everything one moment and nothing the next. It’s nice, the simplicity. The silence and then the sound. The touch and then the release. Everything is easy.
For fives days straight they fall into a routine. Jogging in the morning, showering when they’re back to the room, ordering food service, then heading back out to play soccer for hours on end.
Sae becomes Ryusei’s air he breathes. In a short amount of time, they’ve grown accustom to each other’s company. Whether their time is full or something or nothing, it’s amazing, because they’re together. No issues, no grievances, no—
“Enough.” Sae says sternly, glaring down at Ryusei suckling onto his thigh.
The blonde freezes with his tongue stuck out and pressed against him, quirking an eyebrow as he meets his stare. “Hm…?”
“I’ve told you to stop with the hickeys. They’ve finally started fading.” Sae murmurs, pushing his head away from the motion, only to watch Ryusei nuzzle into his thigh instead as he casts puppy eyes his way. “I know what you’re doing, it won’t work.” Still, he persists. And goes beyond the pathetic look in his eyes— he begins whimpering like a dog would. Over. And over. And over. “You sex-crazed pest.” Sae scoffs in response, slowly lifting his boxers up to reveal more skin, looking off ashamedly for giving in so fast. “At least do it somewhere that’s not visible…”
Ryusei smiles ear-to-ear, moving towards the new opening. “Them being visible is the best part~”
Sae groans quietly as he latches onto the sensitive area once more. “Too bad.” He watches the way the other sucks so passionately right next to his groin, basically on a mission to mark his territory, as if he wants everyone to know whose he is.
Ryusei moans to himself from the salty flavor of Sae’s body. It’s addicting, getting to touch him like this. He wants more. “Sae-Chan, let me—“
“No.” He says before he can even finish. “You’re cut off.”
“Huh?!”
Sae squints, mouth going crooked. “Don’t act surprised.” He utters. “You’re a depraved animal who can’t stop humping and jumping me. I need to make sure my body is at peak performance at all times, and with the amount of sex we’ve been having, it’s not possible. So, no.”
Ryusei eyes are wide, shaking his head in disbelief. “But…”
Sae glares daggers at him. “Have you not gotten enough at this point?”
Ryusei eyes his semi-hard cock, tenting in his sweatpants and pressed against the redhead’s knee. Realistically, he’s not sure it will ever be enough. Every time he sees Sae his cock thinks before his brain does. He didn’t realize his sex drive was such a problem until now— because although he’s horny a lot, he never willingly had intercourse with anyone. It was a lot of jacking off. A lot. Perhaps too much. But now, having these mutual feelings… it’s so exciting all he wants to do is touch him every second he can to celebrate. To be with Sae… to have sex with him… it’s addicting.
Shit. Sae has a point…
Maybe this isn’t healthy. Maybe… he should try to ease off of it.
“You’re right,” Ryusei decides, pressing a quick kiss to Sae’s lips before standing up from the bed. He’s right, but that doesn’t make him any less horny. “I’m going to the bathroom.”
It isn’t his proudest jerk off nor his most satisfying one. He just needs to get it out of his system. He thinks about Sae the entire time to finish as quickly as possible, trying not to make him too suspicious of what he’s doing in here. Although, he probably could already tell.
Still, with his cum dripping down the drain of the sink, he realizes Sae’s sentiments are absolutely true.
Ryusei has known his relationship with sex isn’t normal. How could he not? No matter how much his cravings disgust him, it disgusts him even more to not have that satisfaction of relief. Though, because he has never been in a proper relationship before, he didn’t worry too much about it. He simply masturbated whenever his body desired it. Which… was a lot, yeah… but he wanted to so it never mattered.
Now, someone else is involved. So… perhaps he needs to take a step back and reevaluate.
“Ugh,” he groans. Unsure of what his next move should be, yet plenty aware this is something that needs fixing before Sae ultimately can’t handle it anymore.
Ryusei walks out of the bathroom, trying to figure out what the two of them should do for the night, only to see Sae holding his phone out to him. “Your phone has been ringing non-stop.” He murmurs absentmindedly, too busy on his own phone to look at him.
The blonde takes it from his grasp, pressing it to his ear while answering. “Hello?”
“Ryusei, did you go back to that soccer program without telling me?” His grandma. Ryusei isn’t sure if he’s more surprised she called, or that she noticed. “I haven’t seen you in days.”
He glances over to Sae on the bed. The blankets are thrown about— the whole room is. They’ve completely inhabited the space together. Their own little bubble. “No, I’ve…” Ah, this is going to be so embarrassing to say out loud. “Been with… the person I was telling you about…” he tries to say the last part quietly, but Sae is immediately looking towards him out of curiosity.
He tilts his head, investigating without words.
“Oh…” His grandmother utters. “Well… I’ve made dinner. Would you want to join me…?”
What is with this new act? Why does she suddenly pretend to care so much? “No thanks. I’d rather just… spend my break here.”
He hears her sigh, and then there’s silence. This entire situation with his grandma is impossible to navigate. He can somewhat appreciate her efforts, yet, it seems like it is too little too late. His heart cannot begin the process of forgiveness. It’s more than likely impossible now.
“Okay,” she whispers. “Please, let me know whenever you’re leaving for the soccer program again.”
“I will.”
“Okay. Goodnight, Ryusei.”
“Goodnight.” He hangs up. Within seconds, he’s jumping into bed next to Sae with a long, drawn out huff. “Ugh…” All this shit is annoying. His grandma, his family in general, his childhood… why did he get the crappy end of the stick?
Carefully though, Sae’s hand is creeping into his hair, rubbing soft circles on his scalp. It soothes Ryusei’s entire being in a moments time.
“Just like a dog.” Sae breathes out. “If I pet you, it makes you happy.”
Ryusei hums, nuzzling deeper into his touch. They showered earlier after soccer practice so his hair is down, being combed through and groomed. It feels so good, this softness in each other… “Yeah,” he utters. “Keep petting me.”
Sae hums as well, doing just that.
They lay like this for a while. Silent, but comfortable. Ryusei has his ear pressed against the other’s chest, listening to his heartbeat slow as the time passes. It relaxing, this constant. So much so that he catches himself drifting off, slowly but surely. “Sae,” he whispers before he gets too tired.
“Hm?”
“It’s really nice, being here with you.” He utters back, closing his eyes for the last time.
Sae says nothing in return, yet his affection comes physically. His lips plant onto his forehead, brushing those pink and blonde strands out of the way. Wordlessly, over and over again. Careful, too, he trails kisses down to his nose, then cupids bow, and finally his lips. His actions are louder than anything he’d be able to offer out loud, and that’s more than enough for Ryusei to fall asleep soundly in his grasp.
—
Ryusei can’t help but be mesmerized every time Sae touches a soccer ball. Even though this isn’t a real match, against any big teams, only the two of them playing one another— he takes it just as seriously. He’s analytical and observant. He’s quick and sly. He’s moving to Ryusei’s movements before Ryusei himself knows what his plan is.
It’s amazing. This lone star, shining in the bleakness. It seems impossible to take his eyes off of him.
The sound of the soccer ball tangling into the net snaps him out of his trance. “You didn’t even attempt to block it that time.” Sae remarks, walking over to retrieve it himself. As he’s passing him, his eyes size Ryusei up, trying to figure out where his head is at. “You’re becoming sloppy. You’ll never surpass anyone else in Blue Lock if you can’t manage these simple things.”
Ryusei laughs out loud. “Ouch!” Despite all the coddling, Sae is still honest at heart. “Don’t believe in me anymore?” He cocks his head with the question.
Sae hums. “Why else would I be pushing you to do your best.”
It feels impossible to wipe the smile off of his face. Ryusei has seen first hand how cruel Sae can be towards people he deems unworthy. He bad-mouthed every single player during the U20 game, brutally, to their face— so despite his harsh words right now, Ryusei knows for a fact his sentiments are different than they were to all the others. He trusts his capabilities, and he knows his potential.
Which is why Ryusei continues grinning. Behind all these rocks and stones, there’s something much sweeter, more delicate.
He loves that.
“Ah, Sae-Chan~” Ryusei sings, throwing an arm around his shoulders. “Let’s go back to the hotel and take a bath. I need some relaxation!”
“Hmph,” the red head breathes out. “We’ll see. Let’s go.”
—
Ryusei is already stark naked and plunged into the tub, watching as Sae undresses in front of him. This sudden normalcy between them is so addicting. Rushed, maybe, but exciting nonetheless. Within less than two weeks, he has felt the cold shoulder of Itoshi Sae to the warm embrace of him.
“I’m not sure we’ll both fit.” Sae thinks aloud, already beginning to step in despite that.
The water rises as his body weight sinks in, causing it to overflow slightly. Ryusei is already antsy to pull him close and tease him, but the loud notification noise of his phone catches his attention. He’s smiling absentmindedly from the stimulating situation, reading over the message he just received before making any moves.
“Ladies and gentleman~”
Sae quirks an eyebrow, crossing his arms. “Hah?”
Ryusei tosses his phone off to the side, impish smirk swallowing his features whole as he slides over to be face-to-face with Sae. “Seems like this is our last night together, underlashes.” He teases, mere inches away. “Blue Lock starts up again tomorrow. Are you gonna wish me farewell?”
Sae’s eyes are so low, so seductive. Ryusei can’t tell if he’s just overheating from the hot water with such a flushed face, or there’s something perverted on his mind.
He really hopes it’s the latter.
“How will you ever survive at this point without dry humping me every hour?” Sae satirizes, intertwining their fingers beneath the water. Subtly, too, he’s pulling him closer until Ryusei rests on his lap. “My dog needs one last treat to be at his peak performance, right?”
The blonde nods enthusiastically, completely forgetting about his new resolutions he figured yesterday. Especially whenever Sae is inviting him this willingly— and he’s not going to see him for who knows how long! It’s okay. This is okay. He can rehabilitate afterwards… because right now, he has never felt so inclined to fuck the shit out of him.
Ryusei is falling into his lips, sloppy, and more importantly, desperate. Tongues clashing together to dance in one another’s mouth, fighting for dominance once again. He moans breathy against Sae from all the stimulation, eyebrows tightening as he slips his hand down into the water where he can grasp his already very-there erection, stilling in surprise when feeling Sae’s hand join over his.
“What happened to me being cut off?” He wonders teasingly, since it was only yesterday Sae had put his foot down.
The redhead hums. “Are you really going to ask questions even though I’ve given you the go?” He says this all while slowly— painfully slow, Ryusei might add— moving their hands together to stroke his cock.
Ryusei is almost positive Sae just won’t say the difficult part out loud; it’s because this is their last night to connect so deeply.
That’s too much of a sentimental reason for such a closed off person to admit. But at the same time, his heart skips a beat knowing he cares enough about Ryusei to think that way. Think that this is something that must be cherished before it’s torn away.
“How far can I go?”
Sae uses the had he has on Ryusei’s dick to press it lightly against his stomach. “How far can you reach?”
Ryusei’s cock stiffens much harder than it was before. “You say the most exciting things, Sae-Chan…” that act alone has brought out the carnivorous beast within him, who wasn’t hiding, but restrained. There’s no beating around the bush now— Ryusei is going to make sure Sae will never forget about him after tonight. “Are you sure you can handle me?”
“Hmph.” He scoffs. “Who do you think I am?”
Ryusei grins, slipping off of Sae’s lap and lifting him up slightly in the water. “I don’t have it in me to hold back anymore.” He warns, latching onto the other’s neck and sucking. He wants to mark and defile every inch of his body so that Sae can stay his, even if they will be separated. He wants him to think about Ryusei as much as Ryusei will think about him. “I’m gonna make memories with you that you’ll never be able to forget.”
Sae breathes out the faintest of chuckles. “You have the weirdest sense of things.”
Ryusei trails his lips from his neck to his lips, consuming his entire being in one quick motion. He’s eating him alive, trying to savor every flavor on his tongue. Moaning into one another’s mouths, grinding their cocks against each other, holding their body’s close so they can’t escape— Ryusei would swallow him whole if he could.
“Sae,” he whispers onto his lips. “Bend over so I can give you everything I have.”
Sae is quiet as he processes it. Staring him down while he slowly, seductively, twists his body over. His elbows are planted onto the tub’s perch, ass pushed towards the blonde. He looks over his shoulder with libido-dusted eyes. His silent gaze is stronger than any command he could give.
Ryusei groans deep within his throat at the sight. “Perfect.” He breathes out, reaching to caress his waist, then slithering over to his ass.
Maybe due to the adrenaline, or the bittersweetness of this— these moments fly by in the blink of an eye. One second he’s stretching Sae out to take him, and the next, he’s pounding into him so hard the water splashes out of the tub with every thrust. Ryusei is completely gone. His mind is wandering. His fingers are tightening deeper into Sae’s waist, and Sae is tightening around him.
“Mngh!” Sae’s voice is so much louder than their previous times. Both the power of Ryusei’s hips and the tile surrounding them makes his sweet symphonies echo right back. “Shit!” He cries out, brows tugged together while his face begs for mercy.
Ryusei loses all control of himself. His body moves on instinct. And right now, that instinct is to imprint his being with Sae.
These desires are raptorial, unforgiving. Every time he pushes into him, he’s remembering that this is the last time in a long time he can feel Sae this closely, and that makes him push even further. There’s the strangest pang in his chest while watching Sae unravel in front of him. Why does it hurt so badly? Why is he so afraid of pulling off of him?
“Sae-Chan…” he croaks out.
The latter sheepishly looks over his shoulder to meet his gaze.
Ryusei’s desires must truly be relentless by the looks of it. This is the first time after their week of fooling around he has seen him in such a condition. They’ve had sex more than a handful of times now (Ryusei really does have an insatiable libido, Sae could attest), but Sae still managed to keep a tight hold on the situation and never entirely gave up his dominance. Until now. He seems completely and utterly spent. Almost… vulnerable, even.
Sae… do you feel the same as me right now?
It’s all so bittersweet. Somehow, so quickly, Ryusei is happy but dejected.
“What’s going on in that head of yours…” Sae wonders whenever his movement stills with those doleful eyes.
“I don’t want any of this to end.” Ryusei answers honestly. Maybe now isn’t the right time to have such a conversation… still, he can’t help it.
Sae hums, catching his breath as he slips Ryusei’s cock out while turning around. “Who ever said this was ending?”
The blonde quirks a curious brow, pondering what that could possibly mean considering the circumstances. “I’ll go back to Blue Lock and you’ll go back to Spain.” He explains, as if it wasn’t obvious. “Who knows the next time we’d be able to see each other.”
Sae gives him an incredulous look. “Did you not realize that whenever you asked me to be yours and said you’d prove yourself everyday that you’re someone I can be proud of…”
The heat of Ryusei’s cheeks rises, nearly embarrassed by his desperate ramblings being repeated back to him. “I… I did.”
Sae hums another time. “Then knock it off.”
Ryusei clicks his tongue. “But—“
“You’re going to go back to Blue Lock and prove yourself.” Sae says, cutting him off. “Not only for me, but for you, too. Because I know your potential is endless, and I will kill you if you let the distance between us affect how you play soccer. That’s too tepid.”
The blonde’s eyes widen at his words, heartbeat racing quicker than he can blink. “Sae-Chan—“
“I’ve made the right choice with you. All that’s left is for you to finish your end of the deal.” Sae is sincere in the most unusual, but addicting way. “Got that? So, quit it with the sappy stuff. This won’t be the last time we see each other. It’s just goodbye, for now.”
Ryusei smiles. It stretches out slowly only to consume the entirety of his face. “You’re right.” He agrees.
“I usually am.”
Ah, that makes him smile even more.
“I’m so obsessed with you.” Ryusei announces suddenly, pressing a kiss to his lips to further his point. “Now turn back around before I lose my boner. My children need a home.”
Sae scoffs at the brash demand. Nonetheless though, he turns back around.
—
Waking up the next morning was just as hard as trying to sleep the night before. The moment his eyes open, Ryusei is clinging to Sae like a koala. He’s wrapped around him in bed, pressing kisses all over his body, and he’s wrapped around him even once they’re out of bed, on his back.
“Saaaaaae…” he drawls, shaking his head over and over again in the crook of the redhead’s neck.
He gets a grunt in return.
“Saaaaaaaae…” he goes again, squeezing him even harder with the limbs he has around his body.
Sae groans loudly this time, grabbing one of his hands and using everything in him to throw Ryusei off. “Enough.” He states in an assertive tone, glaring at Ryusei who landed on the bed. He looks up at him with that doe-eyed attempt at sympathy. “You need to pack your things. I’ll call a chauffeur to take you back to the facility, so get ready.”
Ryusei throws his head back with a dramatic moan of displeasure. He’d retort back in some way but he knows Sae is being the responsible one out of the two of them, so he brushes it off and stands up to gather his things.
“I’m going to call them outside,” Sae murmurs absentmindedly as he slips out.
Inadvertently, this helps remind Ryusei of the promise he made a couple days ago. So, with a huff, he’s grabbing his phone and making a call himself.
It rings a few times before he hears a voice in the other end. “Ryusei?” His grandma utters.
“I’m going back today, Obaa-San.”
“That’s good. I’ll make dinner tonight, then. What would you like?” She wonders, sounding a little too pleased.
“No, I’m going back to the soccer program.” He reveals.
“Oh…”
There’s some silence for a moment. Some contempt. Ryusei bites on his bottom lip in thought, picking at his cuticles. “I don’t know if I can ever get past what we’ve been through.” He admits. “It hurts a lot. I’ve needed your support and I never got it until it was too late.”
“Ryusei—“
“But I’ll think it over more while I’m away.” He decides, cutting her off. “I want it to be easier to forgive everything but it’s not. And I know I’m not perfect, but I deserved somebody in my life who treated me like I mattered.” He exhales a heavy, deep sigh. He’s getting off track. “What I’m trying to say is— I can’t promise I can forgive you. But I promise I will try. So in the meantime, I hope while I’m away, we can both do some reflecting.”
There’s more silence.
Maybe he spoke too much. Maybe it’s a dead end.
“Okay.” She says. “I’d like that. Thank you.”
Ryusei clears his throat, eyes shifting towards the door. “Okay.” He repeats back. “I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, but I’ll see you again.”
“Ryusei,” his grandmother whispers, cracking through the reception. “Good luck.”
Ryusei nods at the words, heart racing for some strange reason. “Thank you.” It feels awkward. “Bye for now.”
“Bye.”
Once hanging up, he’s shoveling all of his clothes into a bag. Somehow he feels lighter despite any change. And somehow, he feels at ease with the fact that he and Sae will go their separate ways for now, because for the first time, he has somebody else besides himself that will be rooting for the life he is making on the field.
It’s exciting.
“The chauffeur is about to pull up to the front.” Sae announces, breaking him out of his little haze.
He didn’t even realize the time suddenly flying by, yet before he knows it, Sae is helping him with his few things downstairs.
“Wait—“ Sae stops him from walking out of the hotel doors, pulling him to a secluded corner of the lobby. Ryusei’s eyes scan his features, trying to figure out why, only for Sae to pull him in for a hug, sheepishly. “I… can’t exactly wish you goodbye outside. There might be paparazzi.” He discloses.
From their closeness alone, Ryusei can hear how loudly Sae’s heart beats. It makes him smile, content with the reaction.
“Sae-Chan,” he whispers, fingers gripping onto his shirt to tighten their hug. “You’ll kiss me goodbye too, won’t you?”
Sae pulls his head out from the crook of his neck to scan their surroundings, trying to see if there’s anyone around. Albeit, before he can finish, Ryusei is raising one of his bags to cover their faces, pulling him closer with the arm he has wrapped around him until their lips press together. It’s deep, and it’s soft. They lean in further until it’s hard to breathe, pulling away.
“I’ll see later, right, underlashes?”
Sae hums, kissing him one more time. “Yeah.”
Ryusei grins from ear-to-ear, dropping his bag back down as he’s turning away. “I’ll hold you to that!”