Chapter Text
***
After the battle with the alphas, there’s an exchange of looks between everyone. In the deep darkness of the forest you can still see how everyone is injured, some worse than others, but they’re all alive. They survived this and finally, the nightmare is over.
While the werewolves are slowly healing, the humans only have a few bruises. Allison has a few scratches, but they’re nothing to make Chris and Scott worry about. Chris on the other hand, got his arm hurt when he was thrown against a tree, but even that will heal. With Lydia properly dressed for battle, thanks to Allison, her scratches are nothing major either. Stiles probably twisted his ankle while running, but he’s fine too. Everyone is ok and everyone will finally have some peace to properly heal.
Derek, being the alpha, is healing faster than the others. So while his pack goes back to the train station, he drives Scott and Stiles home. There’s not much talk or anything at all. Stiles is on the back of the Camaro while Scott is on the passenger seat with his window opened. It feels good to have the wind blowing on your face, but Derek knows it’s not just that. The car reeks of blood, they all do. It’s that desire of getting everything behind their backs, of forgetting the horrors that happened tonight. Derek looks at the mirror to find Stiles a bit pale, but also tired, which is totally understandable. Even Derek feels tired and he’s scared to have a proper look at his own face too. Still, Derek can’t stop himself by asking Stiles if he’s ok. That startles Scott and he looks behind him to have a proper look at his friend.
“I’m fine.” And although they are used to these words a lot more than they should, Derek and Scott are still looking at Stiles. He does seem fine, but-
“Eyes on the road, please.” And that’s it. Derek rolls his eyes and turns his gaze to the road, while Scott gives Stiles one of his apologetic smiles and he too turns his back. Everything is at it should be. Everything is fine.
Derek drops Scott while Stiles jumps to the front to take Scott’s seat, gracious as ever. The way to Stiles’ place is silent, which should be uncomfortable except that tonight it’s not. The last days were filled with thoughts that some of them would probably not survive this, but they all did. So there’s that to celebrate. In silence, because if there are words for moments like this most of them are regrets on the next day.
***
They reach Stiles’ house and before opening his door to leave, Stiles faces Derek.
“Thank you” and only then he opens the door. It’s a slow recognition of what Derek did hours ago in battle and for what he’s doing now. Taking care of them. It’s not like Stiles to thank Derek, but he means it. Derek just nods as Stiles gets out and closes the door behind him. Normally, Derek would drive away now, but not tonight. He watches the dark house in front of him without any sign of the Sheriff being inside. Part of him doesn’t want to leave Stiles alone, not after all of what happened tonight, after what the boy saw tonight. So he doesn’t leave. He will, though. But he feels that the right thing to do now is to wait for Stiles to go inside. A place where he will be safe for the rest of the night.
Derek watches Stiles reach his doorstep and patiently waits while the boy tries to find his keys in his hoodie. Stiles starts to slowly lean down towards the ground and Derek thinks that he let his keys fall, so he sighs, because that’s so typical of Stiles. He only has time to blink once before he sees Stiles fall. Derek doesn’t breathe when he’s leaving the car and running towards Stiles. When he reaches the boy, he yells for his name. And yells.
“Stiles! Stiles! Wake up Stiles! Stiles!”
Derek tries to look for something. Something that tells him what the hell is happening. There’s the smell of blood, but there’s no blood dropping and apart from the damaged hoodie, he can’t understand what the hell is wrong with Stiles. His heartbeat is slow and after many shouts, Stiles finally opens his eyes to look at Derek. He’s pale, he’s so pale. Even in the dark night, Derek can see how wrong his skin color is. His eyes are not the amber color that Derek is used to, it’s like life is being sucked out from him. And Stiles is trying to talk, but he can’t. Derek watches him trying, but every time he does it’s like he can’t breathe.
“Stiles, you’re going to be ok. Please stay awake. Please! Stiles!”
And he’s out again. Derek needs to do something. His hands are all over Stiles’ body, but he can’t still feel anything wrong, so what’s happening?! There’s no wound, no blood- suddenly there’s blood coming out from Stiles’ mouth. Everything Derek lived in the past hours it’s nothing compared to this moment. This is a real nightmare. This can’t be happening. He thinks, he tries to think. He needs to do something. He decides that it’s best if he takes Stiles to the hospital himself, because he can’t wait. There’s a lot to lose and he can’t lose Stiles, not like this, not after everything they’ve been through. For fuck sake, they just won! A battle where some of them could have died or even all of them. There was no guarantee of winning, so how is this fair now? Why is this happening?
Derek holds Stiles in his arms and heads for the Camaro, his door still opened. He drives so fast like he never thought he would. One second his gaze is on the road and a second later on Stiles. It’s terrifying, because he can’t listen to Stiles breathing and the smell of blood is now too much. Stiles’ heart beat too slow and too low even for his werewolf senses. Derek doesn’t realize he’s still calling for Stiles’ name and he has tears coming down on his face. When Derek realizes he’s actually losing Stiles, he drives faster and focuses on the road. He calls Scott and maybe yells at him without wanting, but there’s no way he can tell Scott what’s happening with a calm voice. He yells like he’s mad at Scott, and he is. He’s so mad with everyone, with the world, with the alphas, with everything, because it’s everyone’s fault except Stiles’. Stiles didn’t ask for this, he should never have been involved and Derek knew that. He knew and that’s the worst, because he never once tried to keep Stiles away. It’s actually the opposite, because Stiles was never a liability on Derek’s mind, he’s a strong ally and Derek wants to keep him in his pack, but now… Now Derek is angry and above all he’s angry with himself.
***
They finally get to the hospital where Melissa is already waiting, because that was the first thing that crossed Scott’s mind when Derek called him. Scott was already rushing there, but like Derek told him: there was no time. Stiles had no time and every second mattered. As they take him inside, Derek ignores the voices around him telling him to stay back, to wait. To wait?! How can he wait? Stiles is dying and he can’t save him like he did so many times before. He can beat the crap out of supernatural monsters and drag them away from Stiles, but he can’t protect Stiles from what he is… a human. Stiles is human and Derek keeps forgetting about it, because Stiles is also strong, so strong. And if he could talk right now he would probably tell Derek that it’s going to be ok, but Stiles is not talking. Stiles’ eyes are closed and he’s paled like the white walls around them. There’s the blood coming out from his mouth and there are people undressing him, cutting off his clothes to look at his chest. That’s when horror comes to Derek’s face.
Derek couldn’t feel any wounds when he was alone with Stiles, but now with the strong white lights and his chest uncovered, he sees a big purple stain on Stiles’ chest. It’s so ugly and so not like Stiles. He realizes it was from the battle, the way Stiles was beaten, but Derek got there in time, so why?! Stiles was getting up while he was fighting the other alpha. He saw Scott helping him and he heard Stiles telling him he was fine, so why?! He is clearly not fine and Derek isn’t the only one to realize this. The nurses and doctors around him are also surprised with the sight. Melissa keeps yelling at him.
“What happened? WHAT HAPPENED?! Tell me what happened!” Derek could hear her, he could, but he had the same questions. How the hell did this happen? He got there in time, so how?
As Derek stood there, they took Stiles away down the hall and he saw him go. He probably stood there for quite some time, because the next thing he remembers is Scott bumping into him with the same questions as Melissa. He couldn’t bear to ask the most important question though. How is Stiles? From Derek’s face, Scott knew it wasn’t good and he was starting to panic and walking around in circles. Then he stopped with realization on his face.
“His father… We must tell him.” And that’s when Derek looked at him. How could he tell Stiles’ father that his son was dying? The only thing he had left in his world was dying a few rooms ahead. How could he even face him? And Derek doesn’t know if he said that out loud or if Scott just knew, because next thing he hears from Scott is: “We must tell him”. With that, Scott grabs his cell phone and calls the Sheriff.
Hours passed with no news. No news at all. At one time, the Sheriff went inside only to be brought outside again by one of the nurses, who was yelling at him that he should let them do their jobs and he couldn’t just get inside because he was the sheriff. Those hours looked like days and every time the Sheriff moved, Derek thought “It’s now; this is the moment where he will ask us why Stiles got so hurt. Why is Derek here? What will he do if Stiles dies?” Derek didn’t want to talk at all; instead he concentrated on listening what was going on. He knew Scott was trying to do the same and sometimes they would share a look that would say “there’s too much going on, I can’t listen properly.” And they really couldn’t, because there was too much noise.
***
It was almost morning when Melissa came out, obviously tired. The three of them stood up as she came to them. There were too many questions on everyone’s minds, but they let her talk, because they had to. Derek could hear her heart beating fast, despite being so tired. She was clearly choosing her words carefully. What do you say in times like this?
“Please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, please”, words that couldn’t leave Derek’s mind, like a prayer. Melissa breathed heavily and finally spoke.
“I’m not going to say he’s ok or that he will be ok. There was an internal bleeding and he already had blood filling his lungs when he got here”, while she said this, her gaze turned to Derek. “Time was crucial and if he had gotten here later…” She couldn’t say it and even though she was trying to tell them that Derek saved Stiles’ life, he felt like he almost killed Stiles. He was no hero.
“The surgery took hours and they did everything they could. You have to believe me, I was there the whole time.” Derek could see the tears forming around her eyes, because, of course after all these years, Melissa was the closest thing Stiles had to a mother. In front of him was a mother trying to save a son and keep her professional posture at the same time, but Derek could feel her pain and that was the worst. He hurt one more person, someone he barely knows, but who clearly loves Stiles.
“We’ll be watching him for the next twenty four hours. The doctors are afraid that if he doesn’t show any signs by then he might… We’ll just have to wait and see, ok?” her eyes stopped on the Sheriff and she was now holding him with her hands on his shoulders. Tears fell down the Sheriff’s face, the first ones Derek realized. The Sheriff showed up scared and angry, but so scared. While they were waiting his scared face turned into something with no emotions, like life had been taken out from him. But now those emotions were flowing and he started to cry. Derek could listen his heart beating faster and faster. Without thinking he was reaching for the Sheriff’s shoulder and that’s when Scott did it first, so Derek stepped back. Watching Scott lean into the Sheriff to give him support with Melissa in front of them doing the same… Derek felt out of place. He didn’t belong here, this was a family matter. No, he couldn’t leave. He would stay in the shadows like always, but he would not leave until he was sure Stiles would be fine.
Melissa let the Sheriff get into the intensive care to look at Stiles’ room through a window, while Derek and Scott stayed at the waiting room. Again the waiting. Then suddenly Scott, without taking his eyes off the ground said:
“You can go now… No point being here I guess. I’ll stay. No doubt the Sheriff will stay too.” Derek stilled for a moment. He didn’t want to leave. The last time he left Stiles, he fell on the ground, blood coming out from his mouth as he slowly lost his senses. No, he couldn’t leave – the same sentence repeating on his mind. A few minutes passed before Derek knew what to tell Scott.
“He would kill me” and Scott raised his gaze to look at him, confused. Derek met his eyes, looking for the first time at him after long hours of waiting. Scott’s eyes were so red. He had been crying and Derek didn’t even notice.
“He would kill me if I let you two here alone. I’ll stay”, with that Scott actually managed a smile, because it was true. That was so like Stiles. As they were waiting, Derek thought what Stiles would say if Derek left Scott and his dad by themselves. Then he realized that he would probably not say anything. If Scott left his dad alone, yes he would kill him for sure. But what about Derek? No, Derek knew his place. Stiles wouldn’t like the idea of having Scott and his dad alone waiting for news, but he wouldn’t get mad at him. When Derek did even showed him that he cared? That feeling was worse than having a bullet in his heart. Derek saved Stiles, yes, countless of times, but so did Stiles. And those were life or death situations, does that count for care? Derek realized that maybe Stiles wouldn’t mind if he left.
As those thoughts crossed Derek’s mind, he realized he did care for Stiles and he never once showed him that. This was his fault: the fight with the alphas, his pack getting hurt, Stiles almost dying and now waiting to know if he would be a vegetable his entire life or not. All of this was hurting Derek, though the fact that Stiles didn’t know that he cared… That Stiles might be gone even before Derek tells him or shows him that he does care. That thought right there was killing Derek.
***
Hours passed and soon the waiting room had more people. Allison, Lydia, Isaac, Danny and even Jackson. As soon as Derek saw Isaac, his tired face turned into worry, but Isaac assured him that Erica and Boyd were alright and keeping guard, waiting to be updated on Stiles’ state.
Allison and Scott tried to make the Sheriff to eat something. The man was pale and looked so tired. If Stiles was here he would strangle them all for not taking care of his father. Only Melissa with her motherly and sergeant look was able to make him eat a sandwich and drink some juice. The many times that she would walk into the waiting room, they would all flinch waiting for some good news, but nothing came.
Derek hated that clock in front of them. He hated it so much, because, yes the waiting felt like a hell of a lot time, but the idea of Stiles not waking up in twenty four hours made him want to stop that clock. To stop time. To turn back. Where would he go back though? Derek started to remember all the times Stiles should have stayed away and guilt rushed into him. He realized that all those times Stiles was in danger, Derek put him there. When Peter woke up from his coma, Derek sent Stiles to the hospital alone and he could have died right there. Yes, Derek didn’t know Peter was the alpha or that he wasn’t in a coma anymore, but did that mattered? He still relied on Stiles’ help. How about the pool accident? Derek told Erica to bring Stiles to him. So many events crossed his mind and the realization was the same. Maybe he could go back to when Stiles helped him when he had a bullet in his arm. Yes, maybe if he had never went to the school that day, because that was the first time and after that it was like Stiles saving Derek and Derek saving Stiles was some sort of crazy curse. Derek knows he would have died that day if it wasn’t for Stiles and Scott. To his own surprise, that didn’t matter anymore. So while looking at the clock, he kept visualizing that day, hoping that if going back in time is possible, it would take him there.
“You’re such a dumbass werewolf! Of course it’s possible! They’ve been testing that stuff for years and I bet the government already knows how to do it, but they’re keeping it a secret.” Derek could almost hear Stiles saying that to him and he would laugh now if the people that Stiles loves and love him back, weren’t sitting with him waiting for news.
***
As the night came, some of them fell asleep, because everyone refused to go home. Not until they knew what was going to happen. The hospital was now awfully quiet and although Derek had his eyes closed, he wasn’t sleeping, not yet. That’s when he heard steps and when he opened his eyes it was Melissa.
They shared a look for a few seconds, then she looked around the room while Derek turned his back too. If the situation wasn’t bad enough, this would almost look like a comedy. Everyone was sleeping and all of them in really awkward uncomfortable positions. Some were leaned to each other and others, like Isaac, were stretched around. The Sheriff was leaned against the wall, far back and only now Derek realized how far he was from the rest of the group. Derek swallowed, because he knew why. Being near the others would keep him wondering of why his son was in the intensive care when the rest of his friends were fine. Apart from Allison, who had a few visible scratches on her face, the rest of them were fine. It was like Stiles took the beating for all of them. The Sheriff was a good person, he did not wish for another person’s harm, but this was his son and Derek knew how selfish someone can be during a time like this. “It should have been him, not my son, my only son, my family.”
Derek almost forgot about Melissa when he heard a little cough behind him. She sat on her knees in front of him and quietly said:
“He opened his eyes for a moment”, her voice was so low to not wake up the others, but to Derek it was like the only noise in the room. He opened his eyes – those words didn’t left his mind until she spoke again.
“It’s a good sign, but they want to be sure, ok?” Derek could hear his own heart beat now. He slowly nodded as Melissa did the same, to assure him she was telling the truth.
“Will you tell them for me if they wake up? It’s not much and I don’t want to wake them now. I will though, if he shows any more signs” and Derek nodded again without saying anything. Just like that, Melissa stood up and presented him with a little reassuring smile before leaving him. Derek repeated to himself “he opened his eyes”, while staring at his shaking hands.
***
The next time, Melissa got back into the waiting room, it was already midnight. She was not surprised to see that Derek was still not sleeping and he knew the news were good when he saw her smile. She tilted her head to the rest of the group and with that, both of them started to wake up them up. Melissa woke up the Sheriff as Derek did the same with Scott, who, by moving, woke up Allison and so on.
“I have some good news. A few hours ago he opened his eyes for a few moments and since then he’s been showing more signs, like moving his hands and trying to breathe on his own.” Everyone flinched at that, but no one had time to ask any questions before Melissa continued.
“He still needs the tube to help him breathe, we want to be sure he will be able to do it on his own before taking it out. His lungs suffered a lot from this, so it’s important to be sure…” Her eyes averted to the Sheriff. “I know I’ve said you should go home to rest, countless times by now, but if you want to stay… I’m going to let you wait by his side.” The Sheriff’s face was so thankful and hopeful. “I think he will like to see you once he opens his eyes again.” Turning her gaze back to the others, she finished by saying “I’ll make sure to tell him you are all here when he’s conscious, but for now you should go home and rest. You will want to visit him when he’s allowed to, right? So go home and rest.” The tone was tender and motherly; something that Derek didn’t felt like he deserve.
***
Exhaustion won at the end of the day. They knew the Sheriff wouldn’t come out soon, not until Stiles woke up. Melissa promised to take care of him even when she didn’t need to, because they already knew she would. It’s funny how these kids that can never stop talking and babbling all day, are now silently looking at each other. Everyone is tired and Melissa was right when she said they would want to visit Stiles, so they needed some rest now. Derek stood up and turned to face them.
“Go. I’ll stay and keep you updated”, clearly meant for Scott, who would make sure everyone else knew if something changed. Of course Scott did not agree with this, but thankfully Allison was there to change his mind. They agreed about turns, Derek would be first, which Isaac protested, because he was worried about him. Though, Derek dismissed him saying he was fine, he wasn’t tired, not really.
He didn’t sit up again until everyone was gone. Now, alone, he finally let a big breathe out. His glance turned to the door where the nurses would come and go. Pain strikes him again. He also wanted to be there, in that room. He knew he didn’t have that right, but he couldn’t help himself by wanting.
He tried to imagine Stiles in that hospital bed, with tubes and machines around him. With that image on his mind, he closed his eyes hard. Soon as he did it, he saw Stiles’ bruised chest and his unconscious look. Derek took his hands to his face, pressing his fingers hard on his forehead. He wanted to see something else, something that would give him hope, a happy Stiles. Had he seen Stiles happy before? Of course he saw Stiles smiling and also mocking him, but happy? Was Stiles happy? A seventeen year old boy who lost his mother too soon; his best friend turned into a werewolf and he was now mixed with more werewolves who put his life at risk every day. No, Stiles couldn’t be happy with that.
This was killing Derek on the inside. He remembers the last time he felt like this, but not quite. When his family died his mind was full of “if’s” and Laura would tell him “It’s not your fault. There’s nothing we can do now.” That right there was true. He couldn’t do anything for his family, he couldn’t do anything for Laura. He couldn’t, because they were dead and you can’t bring the dead back. But Stiles wasn’t dead and Derek wants to do something. He wants Stiles to know he cares, that he really cares. He wants Stiles to know he’s thankful for Stiles saving him. He wants Stiles to know how important he is for the pack, for him. He wants Stiles to know he trusts him. He wants Stiles to know that he was scared to death for losing him. He wants Stiles to know that he would never forgive himself. He wants Stiles to listen everyday how much Derek likes him and how much… How much he wants Stiles to be happy.
He was now fighting the tears that wanted to fall down on his face, because it was true. Derek wants Stiles to know all of this, he really wants it and he knows he won’t be able to keep this for himself. He doesn’t want that either, but- and now he laughs to himself. What right does he have of Stiles? Sure Stiles deserves to know, he deserves to be happy, but Derek? Derek never makes anyone happy. That’s a very naïve thought when everything around him just turns out wrong. Although he wants to do the right thing now, he also knows he can’t wish. He can’t wish for Stiles to accept all of what he needs to tell him.