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They padded through the white forest, no hurry now that their task had been accomplished.
Their paws barely left any tracks as they wound their way around large pines, their steady pace only occasionally interrupted when a paw broke through the frozen crust on the snow. Even their straining ears, turning in every direction, didn’t catch any other sound than their breaths, their heartbeats, their soft footfalls, the sounds familiar after many winters of running together.
As their eyes met briefly before going separate ways, she wished that their lives didn’t have to be so lonely.
She recognized this wish as a representation of her human side and knew that if he knew this, he would wish that she had never seen a human and wish even more that she never had experienced being human. He thought being human took her away from her home, her cubs and made her lose her innocence. She wasn’t sure what she thought.
A sound made her freeze momentarily before she concluded that it was just a small animal, maybe a squirrel, nothing she needed to care about. Although she thought about how the warm body would taste, how it would help warm her throughout the night. But she wanted to get back, she wanted to make sure that they were safe. She missed them and had been away for too long as it was.
As she got closer to the rocky area where she had left them, she would occasionally cross their tracks, drawing a deep breath to fill her nostrils with their scent. The sun gleaming in an icicle hanging from the overhang above the cave made her playful side come out, and she swatted at the frozen water as she was joined by her two cubs. Soon they were both playing with her ears, as she kept twisting them, trying to take in every sound, still on the alert for danger – or prey.
As her cubs calmed she laid down and watched them. Although she didn’t mind it much, she hoped that they never had to learn what humans were, that they never saw one, never heard one, and definitely never encountered one too close. This was the only thing she hoped for.
She licked the tom’s ear to taste him and reassure herself that he was fine. She rubbed her head over the tabby’s back to rub her own scent into the cub’s fur so that they smelled more like each other, confirming the family bond.
She remembered the first time she phased, how confused she had been. She was thankful that her cub’s father had been close enough to notice the eerie feeling that came with phasing and could be felt for miles and miles if you knew what it meant, otherwise she could well have died from the cold or hunger. He had run her way, and even in lynx form it had taken him some time. When he had finally reached her she was all but panicking and as he phased human mid stride, she had almost bolted, truly frightened by his strange appearance.
It was the first time she had ever seen a human. She knew the scent and connected it with the strange structures that had appeared in her home range the last months. Some instinct told her that he was dangerous, or rather that his human form was dangerous. She looked down to calm herself, and caught sight of her paws, or what she assumed used to be her paws, but that now resembled his limbs. He walked up to her confidently and rubbed his cheek on her head, rubbing his scent into her hair, marking her as he would in lynx form when mating.
This familiar action calmed her enough that he could sit her down to explain everything. How the humans were slowly destroying their home, and how some of the lynx changed into humans in response to coming in contact with humans or even sometimes, as in her case, just the scent of humans.
In human shape they were much more suited to fight the humans and protect what was theirs. For generations some of them had phased human and they had managed to buy property and gained some political influence, all while avoiding staying human for too long. Usually the males and older females were the one who stayed human for longer periods, even months at a time when it was necessary. While younger females, like her, that often had cubs, tried to minimize the time spent in human form.
The sharp teeth of her cubs, tugging at her ears brought her back to the present. They were all growing tired and snuggling close together for comfort and to fight off the cold in the cave. Their warm bodies against hers made her remember why she put herself through phasing and dealing in human affairs.
Her breaths formed clouds as she drifted off to sleep, content to be back in her own familiar body, where she belonged.
****
As he moved on he noted the two doves sitting on a low branch in the bushes and he too decided not to hunt them. But they made him think about all the strange food the humans ate and the way they loved to hunt lynx but never ate them. This still didn’t make sense to him even after he had taken his hunter license as a human, learning to handle a rifle and about animals (he had had to bite his tongue so many times during those lectures). In human form he sometimes liked the concept of being able to buy food, but when he wasn’t feeling exceptionally lazy and hungry at the same time he preferred to hunt his own food, to eat it fresh.
The lynx that phased before him had bought a house to stay in when they were in human form. He didn’t know how long they had owned it, but it had been theirs a long time when he first phased. The house was a rustic construction, with several small bedrooms, a large kitchen and living area. It was about an hour drive to get to the city, and the closest neighbor lived several miles down the road.
They had stocked the house with everything they needed to fit into human society and everything they needed to sustain them when in human form. There were endless closets full of clothes, both for men and women and in different sizes. There were always unused toothbrushes in the bathroom cabinets in case a new lynx came to the house. The kitchen was well stocked with canned and frozen food. There were a large TV, a cordless phone and a computer. There were several cars, a gas tank and plenty of chopped wood to heat the house in case they were out of human form for too long to pay the bills.
Usually at least one of them lived in the house at all times to keep up pretenses and to be able to work the human system for their benefit. But lately it seemed that he was the only besides the tabby. Once, a few years ago, a tom had stayed human for years and even became the mayor of the city, but the house had also been abandoned for months at a time. Most of them grew restless living there for too long, and if it was occupied by a lynx, most of them could only stand a few days there – they were solitary creatures after all. Or usually they were solitary animals. He found himself missing the tabby when they were living their ordinary lives.
Perhaps it was the social instinct of the humans that affected him even in lynx form. He almost turned around to follow her, but thought better of it. After all, he had been looking forward to finally being alone for some time.
****
He remembered sensing that eerie feeling, only realizing what it meant after a few seconds, then running to her and phasing human just before coming within sight of her.
Even in human form he could smell her heady scent. The first time he saw her was the first time he understood how humans could be thought of as attractive. To him they were just naked, gangly, weak creatures that smelled strange, sounded strange and moved without any form of grace. He always felt out of place and awkward in human form, but somehow she managed to look almost graceful sitting with her back against an old pine tree.
They made it to the house in a few hours and then they sat at the kitchen table, a fire blazing in the fireplace, hot chocolate in mugs warming their hands and their insides. She scrunched her nose with each sip she took, but seemed to like it. Every now and then she paused and looked around, her eyes sweeping over the unfamiliar sights. She somehow managed to make the house feel like a home rather than just a shelter against foul weather and it put him at ease.
They talked. He told her about ice cream and grocery stores. She told him of cold summer mornings and sunlight.
As the evening turned to night, he got up intermittently to fix more warm drinks or food when he heard her stomach rumble. They talked more.
At one point he directed her to the bathroom and explained its use. When she returned, she tucked one leg beneath her when sitting down and he admired her natural grace, the way she moved. When she smiled at one of his stories, he thought that maybe she liked being there in the warm kitchen with him, rather than being out in the blizzard.
He recognized the way she fidgeted with her clothes, trying to get used to how they felt; he had used to do the same. He thought that maybe he would get her a Christmas gift, if they had to stay there that long.
Mostly he hoped that she would walk out of the kitchen, outside into the storm, and that he would never see her again. Then he would know that she was happy.
****
“What good would it do? Let’s just get this over with.” She pulled down her hat while she put on a brave smile. They walked out into the cold and snow, both drawing deep breaths to feel the freezing air prickle in their noses. For a second she looked panicked, then turned to him.
“I’m not losing my senses am I? It’s just another of these human things isn’t it?” She looked exasperated.
“Yeah, most likely. Their senses aren’t very good, but mostly they do fine without. Takes some time to get used to, though,” he said with an apologetic smile.
When they reached the car, a big four wheel drive truck, he showed her how to open the door and motioned for her to get in. He watched her settle as he walked around to the driver’s side and got in.
“Here, look, this is called a seatbelt. You put it like this and secure it, and it is supposed to keep us safe if we crash. So, I’ll start the truck now, and it will make a lot of noise and the truck will kind of shake. Don’t be afraid, okay?”
She smiled at him, the smile not quite reaching her eyes and she jumped a little when he started the truck. “So tell me again, what are we doing?” She asked almost defiantly.
“We are just driving into town, maybe buying some food or something, for you to start to get used to everything. Maybe meeting some people.”
“Yeah, but why?”
“I’m not sure … it just has always worked out this way before, one of us phases, and then eventually that person is needed or is able to really help. After a while we just started to think that it is a good thing to prepare a little, understand how humans work before we might need to interact with them more.” He looked over at her as she silently thought about what he said. He had explained this before, and even though she didn’t really seem to object to being in her human form, she was reluctant to go into town and meet other humans. He understood that the idea of meeting more humans could be intimidating.
They were silent for a while, both lost in their own thoughts, hers just randomly following different paths, his centered around her. Wondering what she would make of the human world and what she would end up doing. He wondered if it really was true what he and some of the other older lynx thought, that they phased because they had a purpose, or if those that did phase simply made sure to make good use of it.
As they reached the outskirts of town, her attention focused on the passing buildings, her eyes growing wide and then she turned to him. “What…” She didn’t even know how to form the question.
“Yeah, it is Christmas soon, and these are Christmas decorations. The humans put up all these lights and different things to…eh, honestly I don’t really know why. They just do.” His reply didn’t really answer any questions, or make her understand.
“What is Christmas?” He glanced at her and realized how long time he had been phasing human and remembered how much he had had to learn.
“Christmas is a holiday that they have to celebrate the birth of Jesus,” by her questioning expression he realized that this didn’t tell her anything. But really, how was he to explain Christmas to someone who didn’t know who or what God was, or what a holiday or celebration was? He knew it didn’t even make sense to all the humans. He tried to think back to how he had learnt this, but he had phased in the early summer so he had had some time to grasp the basics before dealing with the stranger things in human society. He was just thankful that they for some strange reason had the basic language even the first time they phased.
“Look! What is that?” She pointed excitedly to a plastic snowman, lit from within, with a big black hat and a green scarf and a carrot for a nose.
“It is a plastic snowman. Eh, snowmen are figures that kids usually build from snow, but this one is made of plastic instead to last.” Looking at her again he realized that he didn’t make any sense to her at all. “Yeah, I know that you don’t understand what I am saying, could we just leave it at that? I can explain more later, it will be easier when you have been human longer. It is just for fun, the humans think that it is beautiful, and they like to keep beautiful things around them.” She smiled again, and this time the smile reached her eyes, but she kept quiet.
She remained quiet for the rest of the drive to the grocery store, but she kept turning to look at everything, always meeting his eyes when he looked away from the road to take in her mesmerized expression. He had feared this trip, but now he found it entertaining. She was so fascinated with everything that he couldn’t help but enjoy the view with her.
It was truly stunning when one stopped to think about it. In the early twilight there were lights everywhere, every tree, window, fence, trampoline and house were decorated with myriads of lights. White lights, blinking lights, red lights, small lights, it was like the sky on a clear night, when the milky way was visible, just so many more colors and sizes and blinking. Then came all the plastic figures, there were several more snowmen, one was even dressed as Santa. There was a life sized Santa in a sled complete with reindeers (one with a red nose) and many other less spectacular Santas, angels, stars, icicles, a polar bear and elves.
When he parked the truck at the grocery store and killed the engine, they both just sat there silent for a while. She finally turned to him with sparkling eyes.
“It is quite overwhelming isn’t it?” he said, smiling.
“Can we do that to our house too?” she asked hopefully. He was stunned for a while. He had never thought to decorate the house, he thought of it as a place to stay when human, not a home. Not a place that could be decorated and loved.
“Yeah, I guess we could. They should have some lights here at least,” he said, indicating the store. The smile she gave him wiped away the last of his hesitation to decorate the house.
“Come on let’s go inside,” he prompted.
They both got out and plowed through the snow that the blizzard had left behind. As they came into the warmth of the store and stomped off the snow they heard the country version of “Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer” play over the speakers. He grabbed a shopping cart and led the way into the store. They walked by the section for frozen pre-cooked meals, him wrinkling his nose in disgust, she only looking at everything with interest. He realized that she had never eaten any of those dishes and that she couldn’t read the labels and that even if she could the names wouldn’t mean anything to her. They would have to start with her education when they got back home, he knew he had been delaying it. They stopped at the meat counter to get steaks, bacon, hamburger meat and sausages. Even in human form they preferred meat, and did better without too much vegetables.
The store was not very big, and soon they had filled the cart with the essentials, some basic foods that they could make a lot of different things with. She had added a few things that just looked too odd, interesting, and strange for her to pass up the opportunity to find out what they were. He had added in a few things of his own that he wanted to see her reaction when she first tried them. Beside the basic things lay fruit loops, pop tarts with blue frosting, blue Gatorade (she seemed to have a thing for blue things), cream cheese with strawberry flavor, and cheese spray.
At last they added candles, stars, glitter, some light garlands and even a small plastic snowman of their own. As they walked towards the checkout counter, they were intercepted by the storeowner, an older man that he knew more about than he wished to from his previous trips here.
“Ah, Mr. Qehep! Pleased to see you again! And who may this be?” the owner said and grabbed her hand, shaking it boisterously, looking expectantly at them. He felt a surge of adrenaline flush through his veins as he realized that he had forgotten to come up with a cover story or even a name for her. He cursed himself for failing to get even the basic things right. He should do better, he had many times before.
“Eh, Mr. Clearwater, meet my cousin, Ms. Qehep. How have you been, Mr. Clearwater? Last week when I came by you were not here.” He felt confident that this would succeed in distracting Mr. Clearwater from the fact that he had neither given a proper name or explanation of why she was here.
He was right. Mr. Clearwater seemed excited by the question and proceeded to fetch a stack of photos from beneath the counter and started to flip through them, while telling them how he and Mrs. Clearwater had taken a last minute trip to Florida to get some sun. He could se that she was lost after just a few sentences from Mr. Clearwater, her eyes wandering over the objects hanging on the wall behind the counter. He tried to move the story along as fast as possible and swore silently at himself for having started it.
They finally managed to pay for their groceries and made it back to the truck. After driving in silence for a few minutes she asked, “What is my name? How do you know your name?”
He was quite for too long, the silence being filled by the hum of the engine as they sat in the rapidly heating and bouncing bubble formed by the dark interior of the truck.
“What is your name?”
“My name is Matt, Matt Qehep,” he finally said. After another silence he continued, “I should have made sure to come up with a name for you. I didn’t want to. Sometimes it feels like it is when we come up with names for ourselves that we finally become human. Humans are so obsessed with naming everything, classifying and defining everything. I guess I wanted to keep that from happening to you for a while longer.”
****
He really didn’t want to, somehow it felt like it would make her more human. But he knew that even if they were not going to use the name much, it was necessary to have one prepared for situations like the one in the store yesterday. He should also start the process of getting her a social security number, id, driver’s license and a history of schooling and employment. He needed to give her a human past in case it was ever needed. He should teach her to drive a car, read and write, use a computer, how to cook and all other human activities. He had put off doing these things, he had wanted to keep her to himself, keep her lynx, even if just for a little bit longer.
“Yes, Matt.” Her use of his name made him start and look at her, noticing a mischievous glint in her eyes as she moved to sit down at his side. He sighed and knew his voice sounded more irritated than he had reason to be.
“Whatever, it’s not funny.”
“I don’t see how a name is such a big deal,” she said, a slightly apologetic tone in her voice. “I’m just teasing.”
He didn’t look at her as she sat down, her arm brushing his as she moved in close to be able to see the computer screen. He knew she was studying both him and the screen curiously.
“I guess, to me, names are just so human. When I’m lynx I just am. I eat something, it is warm and fluffy, it tastes good and keep me going, and it doesn’t matter if it is a squirrel or a hare. In the summer I sleep in the shades of a tree, I know what it is, but don’t need a name. When I’m human and have names for everything, it is like I lose sight of what those things really are. When I have a name for you maybe I will start to think of that name instead of you.” He was almost breathless, his strong inhalation the only sound in the morning stillness that surrounded the house.
“But still, if we don’t make ourselves even more human, then what is the point? I can’t do anything without a name – can I?” She asked softly, studying his face intently. “I’m not going to change.”
He didn’t answer, just turned back to the screen. She sighed impatiently after only twenty minutes. “Why can’t we just choose a name? Why does it matter so much which name it is?” He looked at her, thinking. “I want to do something else, let’s just do this and we can go outside,” she insisted.
He finally shrugged and conceded. “Okay, so let’s go to one of those name pages and you get to close your eyes and point and we’ll just take the name closest to where you point.”
“Yes, yes, that sounds like a good idea!” She smiled happily.
She pointed, after closing her eyes ceremoniously. After a few seconds of silence she opened her eyes to look at the screen and then at him.
“Well…?” she asked.
“Ella,” he said the name softly.
She was still for a second then jumped up and extended her hand to him. When he took it, she shook his hand.
“Hello! My name is Ella. Nice to meet you!” She was almost a little giddy.
“Hi there, my name is Matt. Nice to meet you Ella Qehep!” He said, unable to hold back a smile as she continued to beam excitedly.
“Qehep?”
“Yeah, I already told Mr. Clearwater that you were my cousin, Ms. Qehep, so I guess we will have to stick to that,” he explained.
“Huh, Ella Qehep.” She nodded. “Sounds okay, I guess. So, Matt, let’s do something more fun! Let’s go outside!”
As they put on all their warm clothes in preparation for the outside cold, he studied her. She was so carefree, she was so happy, a smile never far from her face. Those sparkling eyes often searched his, as if in assurance, but of what he wasn’t sure. But sometimes as he watched her, he felt the weight of the responsibility of being her only introduction into a human world. He wanted to protect her, keep her innocence and excitement about everything new. But he realized that he was so much more human than her. He was affected in so many ways. Maybe if he didn’t feel himself slipping, didn’t fear losing himself, he wouldn’t be so concerned about her becoming more and more human.
****
He would try to direct her energy and enthusiasm towards learning things that could be useful. And when she concentrated she learnt quickly and easily. But she tended to do it her own way, her priorities were different than his. She was almost reckless in what she chose to learn. He would leave her by the computer reading the news, only to walk in later to find her on the floor, close to the fireplace, so focused on the Jack Frost children’s book that she didn’t notice him coming in. When she did look up at him after a few minutes, her lips spread in a smile, her eyes as happy as they always were when she saw him.
“I want to be Jack Frost. I want to bring the winter! Can you really have icicles in your beard?” She looked expectantly at him. He had to laugh at her questions, there seemed to be thousands of them.
“I don’t really know. I’ve never had a beard, so I don’t know.”
“You never had a beard?” She asked incredulously. “Why?” By now she was walking towards him, looking at his chin.
“Eh, well, when I phased the first time, a lynx named John who lived here showed me how to shave, and I’ve just kept shaving since,” he explained.
“So you have to shave… how often?”
“Every day.”
“…and you’ve never tried not to?” When she went to stroke his cheek to feel the stubble, her touch was soft and warm. He stood very still and let her.
“Maybe I should,” he said with a smile. And so he did, at least for a few days. He didn’t really like how it felt as it grew. But she would look at him expectantly every morning and come up to him to look at it and softly touch the growth.
He liked how she made him look at the world differently. She was so different from him. She was so curious about humans and everything human. He couldn’t really remember if he had been like that in the beginning. These last years, before she phased, being human only made him feel lonely and hopeless.
****
At first they had simply walked in the woods, enjoying the sun and the quiet of the snow-covered forest. Then they had started the daily work that had started to become a routine by now. She would walk away with the snow shovel, making sure that their paths were kept open while he cut some wood. After a while they would change and he would take over the shovel, placing his hands where hers had just been, the wood of the handle still warm. She would pile the chopped wood high in her arms and stack it in the basement to dry before they used it to heat the house.
Today she had finished her task first and had managed to sneak up on him with her hands full of snow that she dumped on his head before taking off. She let him catch her and he let her get a good hit every now and then. Soon they were both covered in snow that slowly started to melt as it made its way in where their shoes met their pants, down their necks and everywhere else where their clothes failed to cover them properly. Her face was still flushed from the cold and all the running around they had done.
“We should probably hang our clothes up by the fire to dry,” he said as he collected as much as he could carry of their clothes from the floor. She followed with the rest while still trying to get off her wet socks. He turned to her to ask for more clothes, still holding one of her mittens, and stopped mid movement, struck by the way the sun slanting in through the window fell over her stomach. He could just make out the underside of her breast as she bent down to step out of her long johns. She paused with one leg still in her long johns when she noticed how still he had gone.
“What?” She raised an eyebrow questioning at him as she turned towards him, taking in his stunned expression. He blushed and stammered.
“Well, it is just that humans normally don’t … eh, they normally don’t, eh, undress in front of each other. “
“But you have just as little clothes on as I do,” she said with confusion. His eyes left her face and travelled over her breasts down to her legs.
“Okay – I have one leg more bare than you!” His eyed moved back to her breasts, his stomach curling up like when riding a rollercoaster, as he took in their curve, the pink of the nipples that were hard from the cold and from her just removing her shirt.
“Yeah, but females…have these…breasts,” he tried to explaind. She looked down at herself and back at his chest, her hands releasing the long-johns that fell to the floor in a puddle around her leg while she cupped her breast, weighing them in her hands.
“These? And?”
“And usually people, humans, tend to find them sexual, you know, like we talked about before, and so they only show them to people when they want to make love, mate, or to people who they really know, like their husbands…” he trailed off, swallowing hard.
“Do you find them sexual?” At her question he felt like he couldn’t breathe. They made him feel things he had never felt before. He had never really thought of humans as beautiful much before he met her, he had never wanted to touch a human before, he had never felt the urge to mate in human form before. But as he looked at her where she stood, her hands still cupping her breasts, one thumb absently moving over a nipple, she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
He didn’t even know what it was, it was just her. The way she looked at him, the way her hair had come almost undone and was a mess, the way her stomach moved as she breathed, the curve of her hips and thighs, the color of her skin and even her scent. He didn’t know anything but that she left him breathless, aching to touch her. He thought about his options, he thought about lying to her, telling her that he was just trying to teach her about being human. He thought about how he might be allowed to touch her, taste her, feel her.
He moved in closer to her, reaching one hand out to cup her face as he leant down and kissed her. The kiss surged straight down to his cock, making it harder. He knew she could feel it as he drew her in with a hand on her hip, but he wasn’t sure she would understand what it meant. He lifted his head back up to look at her.
“Yes, I do,” he said, surprised by the way his voice almost caught in his throat. “The way your skin feels, the way you smell, it … it just makes me want to be closer.” She didn’t say anything, but slowly lowered her eyes to meet her hands as she lifted them to explore his chest, cupping him as she had done with herself, moving her fingers over his nipples, looking up at him at his intake of breath.
“And yours are not supposed to be sexual?” She said with a smile. He returned her smile with a small laugh.
“I have heard that they can be rather sexual too, but for some reason it is just more accepted for a man to show them off.”
“So does this mean that we want to mate?” She asked mischievously. Again she made him laugh. He loved how direct and carefree she was.
“I do, but I have no idea what I’m doing,” he said.
“Well, neither do I, and we manage as lynx, so I think we will manage as humans.” Her last words were muffled as she pressed her lips into his chest, and as she finished speaking she licked him quickly once, and then followed it with another one. “I like how you taste.” She took a step back and looked him over, slowing as she noted the bulge in his pants. “I like the way you look,” she stated.
This felt so intimate to him, the way she looked at him, the way she talked to him. Her fingers drawing cold patterns on his hot skin gave him a heady feeling. His head almost spun, his heart beating stronger as he reached out to touch her breasts. He felt their weight in his hands, and mimicking her earlier actions, he moved a finger over her nipples. It made him smile when she jerked slightly, just as he had, and looked at him surprised.
“I felt that here,” she said and moved her hand in between her legs, wonder obvious in her voice.
“Yeah, I felt the same when you did that too,” he agreed. He moved in to kiss her. She eagerly separated her lips to meet his tongue. She tasted sweet, and again a tingling feeling surged through his body, centering in his groin. “This feels the same,” he mumbled and she nodded in agreement.
“Come,” he said as he took her hand and led her through the silent house. The sun slanted in through the windows making the dust sparkle, the air become alive. It was like he could feel each cell in his body, feel each nerve ending, the dust sending shivers down his spine, but still lighter than her glance. He tried not to think, but still thought that maybe it had been a bad move to try to get them into the bedroom since it gave him time to consider what they were doing. To wonder if this really was a good idea, but it felt so good he didn’t think it mattered. To doubt if he could actually do this, but as she had said, they managed as lynx, he should be able to do it as a human as well.
He had done some research, and now he knew that he had never understood the words when he had read them. The romantic descriptions were all flowery images and undying love, the scientific descriptions all about spots and hormones, and briefly he wondered if he liked her smell so much because her immune system was different from his, giving offspring the best from both of them. His doubts and drifting thoughts were scattered as she trailed her hand down his spine, finally cupping his hip, leaving a tingling trail to remind him that this was all about her.
He moved them down into his bed, her hands still on him, exploring, not so much trying to excite him as reveling in how his skin felt against hers. He mimicked her movements, cupping her ass, following the curve of her stomach, kissing her temple. So soft, smooth, and warm. He just wanted to melt into her. He moved on top of her, trying to feel as much of her as possible. He could rub himself against her this way and she seemed to like it. She was pulling at his underwear, at her underwear, and he moved so they could get them off.
Now, moving against her took a whole new meaning. She was spreading her legs for him, squirming to find the best angle. Her hands on him, distracting and … everything. He would do anything to have her hands on him, to have her body this close to his. He wondered what she would do if she knew the power she had, but how could she not already know? It never occurred to him that he could have the same power over her.
She was already wet, gasping each time he rubbed against her. They kissed, they moved against each other, they felt. Then he was moving inside of her, into her warmth and softness. She encircled him and made him feel so much more than he ever had before. His whole being was focused on the point where their bodies were joined, his attention directed to how she felt each time he moved in and out of her. She made soft little sounds in the back of her throat each time he caressed his way deeper inside of her.
Time stood still when she stopped breathing as her body tensed and then she started to clench rhythmically around him. He was just closing his eyes, as he felt himself draw near, when she opened her eyes on her last waves. He knew then, when their eyes met, he knew what he felt for her.
After a while they managed to catch their breaths. Her head rested on his shoulder, her arm and leg caging him in warmth. His hand rested on her ribcage as he held her, moving gently with each of her breaths. As he was falling asleep, he thought that he could stay human until he died if it meant that he got this.
****
By now he was always aware of her. Every movement she made, her breathing, her smell. He found himself cherishing every moment. He could never be sure of how much longer this would last. He wasn’t even sure what it was. He had never understood what it meant to be human, yet he had done his best to avoid it. But now he started to suspect that he hadn’t understood it before because he hadn’t had someone to relate to, to love. If this was what love felt like.
He had done research on the subject of what separated humans from other animals and the most common thing mentioned was language. This gave humans the possibility to communicate and relate knowledge and ideas. Other common concepts were the ability to recognize yourself, the ability to understand the results of your actions in several steps. These abilities were shared with other species. But he started to suspect that none of that really mattered. These were things that he had mastered the first time he phased – but they didn’t make him feel human.
He thought it was love that gave humans their humanity. The ability to communicate with someone and relate to them. He thought that maybe it was only now that he really was beginning to transform into a human. And the way he felt, he wasn’t so sure he could resent being human. And maybe it wasn’t so different than being lynx after all.
She bumped his shoulder playfully to get his attention. “What are you thinking so hard about?”
“Oh, you know, just what being human is, simple things like that.”
She easily returned his smile. “You know what I think?” He shook his head. “I think you think too much, Matt.”
“Oh, do you now, Ella? And what do you know about thinking?” he teased.
Quickly she bent down to scoop up a handful of snow and flung it in his face before taking off. He laughed, and as he started the chase, he thought that maybe she was right. What did it really matter? He was who and what he was, and he was happy. Later as she had snuggled up against him, taking cautious sips of the eggnog they had made, she resumed the earlier conversation.
“Why do you think so much about what it means to be human?”
He was silent for a while, listening to the fire.
“I don’t know really. I think maybe because I never wanted to be one. And maybe because I’m changing my mind on what it means and what I think about it,” he finally answered.
“Well, I’m going to be very lynx now,” she said as she curled up in a small ball at his side and fell into the not quite sleep, not quite awake state that they were so good at with a contented sigh. And as he sat there, his fingers running through her hair, he didn’t think.
****
She loved to run, she loved to spend time with him in his normal form, somehow he was more him like this. She could smell him more, partly because his scent was stronger in this form and partly because her senses were more refined in this form. She could hear his every move, her hearing a thousand times better as lynx than human. She couldn’t really formulate these thoughts as lynx, they were feelings, images, more than words, but during her time as a human she had missed this and used to long for these moments where everything was peaceful and timeless, when she could feel the power of her body and the ease that she felt at moving it. She could feel every muscle as it flexed, she could feel the cool air whooshing in and out of her lungs, she could feel her ears move to catch every sound.
Approaching a big birch she slowed down, the small evergreen parasite growing on its branches contrasted against the snow and reminded her of something. She paused and tilted her head, a pungent smell drifted down from it. She knew that she would have known what it was if she were in human form, but now she soon lost interest.
She moved in to him where he had stopped, just ahead of her. She stroked her head over him, starting at his nose, moving past his ears and down along his body. He pushed back at her to increase their contact, and they both inhaled, enjoying the way her scent now mixed with his as she had coated his hairs with fluids from her scent glands. This told them that he was hers, he was in her territory and she was dominant. He might be better at being a human, but in learning so he had forgotten some of how to be lynx. Even if he hadn’t forgotten she would still have been dominant. She was a powerful being, she rarely went hungry and her territory was one of the larger ones in the area.
They would soon go separate ways. It was not mating season so there was really no reason for them to stay together. He could feel her human side slipping further away with each step they took and with each step they were sliding from companions to competitors for food and territory.
He knew that he would think about her from time to time until next time they met; he planned to come back to her during mating season. He knew he might forget or get distracted on his way but his human side, still strong in him, tried to keep this thought in his mind. He also knew that she would not think of him during this time, she would live in the now, time losing every meaning to her, memories rare. He hoped, he had to believe that she would recognize him when they did meet again, and perhaps even be happy to see him.
He left her side before she had the chance to chase him away. The snow blanketed the world giving everything a soft, muted feeling. Even so, the temperature was so low that it made the snow creak and crunch and he could still hear her footsteps after several minutes. When her footsteps had faded completely the silence became a tangible thing, the small sounds made by the wind and the small beings making a living beneath the snow, only enhancing the lack of the sounds he was listening for.
He knew this was the way it had to be, the way it was supposed to be, him wanting something else just showed him that he had been phasing human for too long. He should already have been dead for several years by now, and the phase took him longer each year. The physical transformation was fast, always were fast for them, but the mental shift took much longer. Getting used to a new body, a new mindset had always taken some time, but these days the human characteristics stayed with him longer than the lynx did when he phased human. They had always avoided phasing too often, but now he felt he needed to be in one form for weeks before settling in to it properly.
He longed to stay lynx, to grow old, to die. The human in him wished to grow old together with someone, to share the shift in seasons, to share the darkness of the winter and the softness of the summer wind. He wanted to be surrounded by grandchildren as he sat by the hearth at Christmas, roasting chestnuts and listening to Christmas carols. He wanted this so much that he had been reluctant to phase lynx again, but he knew that he was wishing for something he could not have, or at least, something that had never been heard of. He didn’t know what would happen if a lynx became pregnant in human form and he didn’t know what would happen if he got a human pregnant.
He didn’t think he could love a human. Not the human way he loved a lynx. He knew that he should stop phasing, but he would not stop, not now. She would phase for several more years, but more importantly, at least in the bigger picture, they were getting close to making a difference for the lynx. He would have several months to settle back into himself before phasing human again and staying that way for a long time, just going lynx every now and then to stay healthy.
He had let his mind wander as he walked away from her. He had not been paying attention to his surroundings and had made it out of her territory and he could stop and rest.
He found a big spruce and rolled into a ball beneath the thick foliage, the cold kept at bay by his fur. He settled in for a rest, waiting for the darkness to come, signaling that it was time for hunting. He also settled in to wait for the time to pass until mating season and until it was time to phase again. Waiting for his lynx self to come back, taking over and making the waiting unnecessary as time passed without any sense of what was to come. He got up after a few hours, stretching and listening. After some walking he found and managed to catch a snowshoe hare. He felt satisfaction coat him as his stomach filled.
He spent his time sleeping, hunting, listening. Sometimes he thought about her, sometimes he didn’t. He curled up in a cave as a storm sang in the trees, pouring snow on the ground. He crossed the tracks of another male lynx. He hunted. Sometimes he remembered how her laugh sounded, how her skin had felt underneath his fingers. He would look down at his paws and lick them free of snow and his thoughts would be lost.
The nights became shorter, his memories became vaguer. One day he came across a scent. It was familiar but interesting in a way it had never been before. Over the coming days he followed the scent. Once he came across another male and managed to chase him away – this scent was his. Then he found her. Memories struggled to surface when their scents intermingled as they scent marked each other, nose running over silky fur.
At some level he knew that he was supposed to remember something, but his mind didn’t focus on that. He was here now, with this female. They stayed together for several days. They would sleep close together. He would hunt for her sometimes. He would pretend to not notice when she stalked him, letting her attack his ears. She would turn her rear towards him and they would mate. After a few days of this her scent changed, until it was no longer so enticing. They would no longer sleep huddled together, and finally she hissed and swatted at him when he got to close.
When he walked away from her again he felt a pang of sadness, a sharp longing for more. A flashing memory showed him mittens hanging to dry in the light from an open fire, and he could smell hot chocolate and roasting chestnuts. He heard a soft voice asking endless questions as he glanced her way one last time before slipping away.
****
When he finally found the house he managed to remember how to get in and then followed the big red arrows set in place for situations like this. They directed him first to switch on the power that in turn turned on the heat. Next the arrows pointed him into the kitchen and the cabinet that contained crackers and peanut butter and other non-perishable, high energy foods. From the cabinets he followed the arrows to a bed where he crawled in and covered himself in a blanket, still clutching the peanut butter jar and crackers.
He slept for many hours and when he woke, he finally felt somewhat human. He knew where he was and understood how to use the amenities surrounding him. He adjusted the heat and turned on some lights before taking a shower and getting dressed. He went back out to the kitchen to take stock of what was available while he waited for the computer to start up.
He realized that this time the house held so much more memories than it ever had before. Slowly the flashes from the past came to him, he would light a fire in the fireplace and a memory triggered by the smell of smoke would hold him trapped on his knees. The kitchen felt empty, the house silent. After a few days his memories from outside the house started to invade his mind. He remembered the feel of soft fur against his side as he slept, he remembered an enticing scent. Another day passed and he hoped that he had no reason to hope for her to come already, she might have cubs to take care of. His cubs.
Days, weeks and months passed. Now in human form he kept track of the time, counting days to follow the development of the cubs, trying to guess when she might come. In the meantime he tried to tend to his tasks, but found it hard to focus. He tended to become lost in memories or what he hoped was his future.
After a few weeks he noted that he now had five packages of cocoa, realizing that every time he passed the cocoa in the store he thought about drinking hot chocolate in the kitchen, talking late into the night while listening to the blizzard that raged outside. Even when it was warm enough for him to leave his sweatshirt off, he couldn’t make himself take down the mittens that still hung by the fireplace. As the chestnuts started to bloom he thought he could smell roasting chestnuts and hear the crackling of the fire. He would look up the legends as holidays and seasons passed, saving them in a file on the computer to read to her later.
He planned and dreamed and remembered.
He thought about phasing back to lynx, go for a run in the forest. If he did he might cross her path, he might see her, see the cubs. But he decided against it in the end. His feelings were not the usual for his kind. He didn’t fully understand them. He longed for her in a way he had never longed for anything. It was like a constant physical ache, one he knew could only be relieved by her touch. Still, more than anything, he wanted for her to be happy, to be free. So he decided against trying to find her to avoid influencing her path. Yet still he hoped, and at times even believed, that she would come walking into his life again.
He couldn’t figure out a reason for her not to.
****
If he had been a regular human he would never had heard the silent crunching of leaves, and if he hadn’t been listening for those steps for a months now, he probably would have missed them anyway.
His heart began racing as he walked out the door and felt the sun warm through his shirt. He made himself stand at the door waiting for her instead of walking towards her. He didn’t know how she felt about him now. Though, at least, in human form she would remember him, who he was, and what they had been.
When she walked up to him, he slid the coat he had grabbed in the hall over her shoulders, but as she easily fell into a tight embrace he managed to snake his hands inside the coat to press at her bare back.
After a moment they pulled apart and he took her hand to lead her inside.
“You must be hungry,” he finally said. His opening phrase made her smile.
“Always concerned for my well being,” she said teasingly, but she headed for the kitchen table, still only wearing the coat, and sat down to look at him expectantly. He almost blushed at her comment, but reminded himself that he was allowed to be doting on her and allowed to be exhilarated that she was back.
“Well, I’m guessing that it was a while since you ate, and phasing always leaves me exhausted,” he said as he started to get everything needed for a quick meal out of the cupboards.
She watched him as he cooked and in the silence her voice startled him when she spoke again.
“I’m happy to be back.”
He stopped what he was doing and turned around to look at her. She was smiling at him, a smile that made his world complete again and soothed the ache in his chest.
“I’m happy that you are back too,” he admitted, then added, “I have been waiting for you.”
END