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The last thing he remembers is sitting on the filthy bathroom floor, shaking and covered in sweat, trying not to puke his guts out. Again.
Brian slept fitfully, barely making it to the edge of his couch before collapsing. Even now, the edges of darkness creeping into his vision, wakefulness is slow to come. He feels a pressure on his shoulder, a light shake. A firm voice starts to filter in through the haze.
“Where the hell did you go yesterday? You hung up on me, you didn't answer the phone all night.” She sounds insistent and somewhat annoyed at the surface, but there's a tinge of something else there too. Impatience? Worry?
Brian gasps to fully awake and takes stock of his body. The white morning light is like knives to his brain. He blinks away the daze and tries to focus on something, anything. With Rebecca here, he can't afford to show her how much pain he's actually feeling. She's close enough that he can detect hints of her perfume. Something subtle and tasteful, not flowery at all. Very fitting with the way she holds herself. It's enough to calm his nerves the tiniest fraction. The remnants of last night's events fresh in his mind, he grabs at his arms for stability.
Rebecca starts again, “What's going on?”
He groans before answering. “I had a rough night.” A slight tremor travels down his arm, his hands cold and clammy.
“Are you sick?”
“I- I don't know, I just feel weird.” A sudden wetness springs up in his eyes, and he blinks quickly to stave it away. He's breathing heavily. Much too heavily considering he just woke up. He takes a second to gather his wits. “I may need to stop taking NZT.”
A beat. Brian closes his eyes to avoid looking at her, avoid the realization that he knows she'll make once she has all the pieces of the puzzle. It's been on his mind constantly. Here is the one person who has the slightest idea of what he's going through. The only person he can talk to, the person protecting him. And day in and day out, he's actively betraying her trust. How can he think of her as a friend when he's lying to her all the time and going behind her back? He doesn't deserve her concern and isn't ready to be chewed out. Not now, not after all the threats and the constant stress.
When she speaks again it's not what he's expecting at all. “I'm going to make you a doctor's appointment.” He can already hear her pulling out her phone and dialing.
“No no no no no,” he sits up almost frantically.
“Yes,” she replies, just as firmly as ever. She levels his stare and he settles back into the cushions.
“I don't need a doctor, please. I just.” He takes a second to breathe before continuing. “Can't we just take a moment?”
Rebecca stares back at Brian, her mouth tweaked in contemplation. Something in Brian's eyes must clue her in to what's going on because her gaze softens just a fraction. She nods, “Fine. For now. But if you get any worse I won't hesitate in calling a doctor and Naz.”
Brian sighs in relief, glad he won't have to concoct another lie to avoid further speculation. He doesn't need any more doctors checking him out and asking questions. It's enough he's constantly being watched by the CJC and Eddie Morra and his people. Lately, it feels like he doesn't even have room to breathe without someone analyzing him. He's already sagging into the couch and drifting away when Rebecca speaks again.
“Seriously, are you okay? I've never seen you like this before, not even afterー” she pauses and throws a meaningful glance at Brian, but he's practically shaking and squeezing his eyes shut. “You should at least clean yourself up and eat something. Here, take my hand, and I'll fix you up something to eat before we head over.”
Brian's eyes blink open slowly, and he turns his head toward her. Slowly, as if scared this is a trap, he reaches out his hand and takes hers. She pulls him into a sitting position and rests her free hand on his shoulder. She goes a step further and places the back of her hand on his forehead. Not feverish but definitely not what it should be. Brian involuntarily leans into her, reeling internally when she retracts her hands to check out the kitchen.
She calls over her shoulder, “why don't you head to the bathroom first? We'll have to move fast if we're going to make it to work on time.”
With almost herculean effort, Brian manages to stand up, putting most of his weight on the arm of the couch. Once standing, he wavers a bit. His head is swimming with images from last night mixed with anxiety for the rest of the day. He swears he sees black spots drifting in his vision but relents, putting all his focus on placing one foot in front of the other until he's pushing through the bathroom door. He uses his shoulder to push it closed, unwilling to lift his arms up more than necessary.
Bracing himself with both hands on the sink, he looks. Actually looks at himself in the mirror. His eyes are rimmed red, stark against the unnatural pallor of his skin. He's got tear burns in the corners of his eyes, and his hair is disheveled and greasy. He doesn't remember getting home last night, but he's sure he didn't brush his teeth, let alone drink water after vomiting from the pain of the side effects. He decides to take care of that first, making quick work of his toothbrush and mouthwash to top it off.
Now that one step is complete, he glances at the rest of him. He's still in yesterday's clothes, and he kind of reeks. Spending a whole day in a cold sweat and on the edge of panic really takes a toll. Brian pulls his t-shirt over his head and tosses it casually in the corner. He splashes some water in his face and calls it a day as he turns the knob to head back out.
He goes to his room and finds a fresh t-shirt and a colorful striped sweater, opting to leave the same jeans on for time's sake. Truthfully, he's too tired to really care, and he'd rather see what Rebecca's doing just a few feet away from him. Brian slowly heads over to the kitchen island and leans on the counter.
ー
Rebecca can feel Brian behind her as she peruses his kitchen for something nutritious. She's honestly a bit rattled by the state he's in. When she drove up this morning, she had no idea she'd walk into… this. She had done all the usual things. She tried calling ahead, but it went straight to voicemail. So Brian's phone was dead, not too strange. She used her key to enter the safe house, but immediately something felt off. The room was a mess, a chair toppled over to her left and Brian's shoes evidently kicked off on the way to the couch. When her eyes landed on Brian she held in a breath.
Brian had been lying prone on the couch, hands almost clasped together on his stomach. Even asleep he looked tense, rough around the edges. When he breathed, it looked labored and uneasy, a far cry from a restful, deep sleep. And after she woke him up, he was practically hugging himself and trembling. Why would he be trembling? Rebecca felt a surge of emotion as she looked at him: the need to protect him but also the need to interrogate him. What wasn't he telling her that had him reacting like this?
She didn't understand why, but she was compelled to make contact. Give him a small bit of comfort. That's the only reason why she's here in Brian's kitchen, making breakfast for a grown man who didn't even keep eggs stocked in his fridge.
She turned around to face Brian and asked casually, “What do you usually eat around here, Lucky Charms? There's barely anything here.”
Her laugh died in her throat as she took Brian in. He looked exhausted. She couldn't see any of his usual cheer in his face, despite the barest hint of a smile he cracked for her sake. He looked pale, she realized with a start.
Brian gave a weak laugh, “You don't have to make me anything. Let's just go, I'm fine.”
He pushed off the counter and started making his way toward the door, but he stumbled after a step. Rebecca was at his side in an instant, an arm across his back to stabilize him. Brian was clutching his stomach and bent over, his face creased with pain. The bruising under his eyes became much more prominent up close.
“Brian, you are not okay. Please, let me help you.”
He took another step, faltered. Rebecca barely caught him as he lost his balance. Slowly, steadily, they made their way back to the couch, where Brian immediately collapsed onto the cushions.
“That's enough. Talk to me. Now. You are not okay, and you need to tell me what's going on.”
Brian glanced up at her, and after a moment of hesitation, he appeared to relent. His eyes flitted to the right and the left then settled on an empty space right beside her. He motioned toward the seat next to him, still shaking and sweating in a way that felt all too familiar. For a second, she was 10 years old and walking in on her dad using again.
“Please. Sit with me? We can talk, I swear, but you're making me nervous staring at me like that.”
Rebecca sat down next to Brian, facing him and definitely not thinking about how there's hardly any space between them. She cleared her throat and asked again, “Brian, what's going on? Are you having side effects from the NZT?”
Brian looked off into the distance, watery-eyed. He looked at the ground as he spoke, “I think so, yeah. I honestly… don't know what to do.”
His voice broke with his next words, “Rebecca, Iー” He doubled over in a coughing fit, and she immediately started rubbing soothing circles across his back.
“This is more serious than I thought. If you're having side effects then we need to rethink this entire agreement. We'll have to report to Naz and figure this out right away, andー” She cut herself off as Brian stopped coughing and turned to her.
“No, Rebecca, stop. I can deal with it. I need to keep consulting, I can't just stop. This is important to me now. I need this job, it's all I have. I'm nothing withoutー”
The realization struck her so suddenly and brazenly she barely had time to think. “Nothing without NZT?”
Brian looked away almost sheepishly.
“Brian, you know that's not true.” Although his coughing fit had been over for well over a minute now, her hand was still placed comfortingly between his shoulder blades.
“I'm just saying NZT Brian has made a lot more contributions to society than Regular Brian. NZT Brian is smarter and useful and good at his job. No one needs Regular Brian. No one misses Regular Brian. Just admit it, compared to NZT Brian, I'm useless.”
“Do you really feel that way?” Brian still wouldn't meet her eyes. She could feel him slipping away by the second. Before she could think twice, she reached for his hand and held it tight. He let out a small gasp of surprise and finally turned toward her cautiously. She squeezed his hand, and in return, some light returned to his eyes. “NZT Brian doesn't exist. It's just you. The CJC needs you, not some figment of you that you're convinced is better.”
Brian gave her a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.
“I need you too, Brian. You are not useless. And for the record, I would miss you.”
Letting out a choked sob, Brian pulled Rebecca into a tight embrace. She could feel the way his breath was catching in his throat, the subtle tremors in his chest as he held on tight. She pulled her arms up and hugged him just as tightly. Even though she wasn't ready to admit exactly how important he was becoming to her, she could have this.
After a few moments, Brian let up and relaxed into the cushions. He still looked like hell, but he gave her a genuine smile and looked worlds better already. “Thank you. I think I really needed to hear that.”
Rebecca smiled warmly back at him. For now, at least, they had bigger problems to deal with than her budding feelings for him. His sudden and rapid decline due to NZT, to name one. And if Brian was still glancing down, remembering the feeling of her hand in his, well. That's a revelation for another day.