Chapter Text
The worst part is the longing.
Or maybe it’s the fear of rejection.
He hears Seonghwa groan when they enter the room, the taller first, the captain following suit. “So that’s what they were apologizing for when they said this is the only room they had available,” Seonghwa pauses and parks his suitcase to step aside and reveal their problem to him, “I’m sorry Joongie.”
The hotel room is small but cozy, equipped with a TV, a desk and a chair, bathroom, and.. ah, that. A double bed. Hongjoong freezes for a second, something in his chest squeezing tightly. “It’s fine,” he reassures, flashing his friend a quick but faint smile. Seonghwa knows him well enough to know he’s not one to share his space and he has clear boundaries when it comes to it so he gets the taller’s reaction, only that his boundaries could only be bent by one person, and it was Seonghwa himself. Hongjoong had just always been incapable of saying that out loud. The taller smiles back at him and inspects him as if to silently ask are you sure, and Hongjoong nods firmly before any words can be spoken. This was going to be fine.
“Alright, well, I’m going to wash up,” Seonghwa lets out a deep breath, sounding much like a sigh of relief. They didn’t have much of a choice anyway, he wasn’t going to start looking for another hotel when their budged had already been spent and they accepted the room. “I can still feel the wind in my bones, might be the only way to warm up,” the taller chatters while he opens his suitcase and begins pulling out the things he needs; a toilet bag and pajamas. Hongjoong gives him space to do that, taking off his coat to hang it up, rolling his own suitcase next to the side of the bed he picks for himself. He does feel chilly too, but he just wants to get under the blankets and get warm that way.
“Have fun,” Hongjoong quips, a casual thing between them whenever one of them leaves a room. He watches the other chuckle at him before he’s left alone, the door to the bathroom separating them as it locks. He sits down on the bed with a little thump, rubbing his fingers over his eyebrows as he thinks about their busy schedule from earlier and how he was now stuck sleeping next to the one person who could possibly break down his walls and wiggle his way into every crevice of his being, if he hasn’t already.
It was hard to not get swallowed up by him. Seonghwa looks much like those old marble sculptures, or like he’s from another realm completely. But it’s not just the looks that had enchanted him years ago; he’s kind, generous, humble and somehow endlessly thoughtful, always making sure Hongjoong isn’t uncomfortable. The younger tries to return the favour but he isn’t exactly a people person, he doesn’t know how to take others into account with such gentleness. Instead, he cares silently and when most people don’t notice it.
He shakes his head, inwardly telling himself to pull himself together. He hears the shower turn on and takes that as his que to get changed, opening his suitcase on the floor so he can find his pajamas, now glad he wears a long sleeve and pajama pants to bed. He quickly changes into the set and folds his clothes to a separate bag for washing. As terrified as he is of the entire situation and how exposed it makes him feel, his heart thumps in his chest from the simple fact that this is happening.
He’s scrolling through emails when the shower turns off and Seonghwa emerges with his damp hair and pretty black pajamas with little stars on them. It’s so very him to be adorned with stars, being one himself. “Don’t laugh, I saw them, and I just really had to have them,” Seonghwa warns him and it’s only then that he realises he’s been smiling like a fool. “I’m not laughing,” his gaze reaches the other’s, both of their smiles growing amused. “Okay, captain. Your turn,” the taller ruffles his hair with the hotel’s towel and Hongjoong doesn’t need to be told twice to go wash his face and brush his teeth.
It's not like they’ve never shared a room before. Things just have grown more complicated the greedier his heart got, oftentimes feeling guilty because it could ruin their friendship entirely if he doesn’t get a hold of his emotions. He goes through an inner mantra of doing just that; getting a hold of his emotions, while he’s getting ready for bed. By the time he’s done in the bathroom and walks out, Seonghwa is already resting on his side of the bed, looking like he’s playing something on his phone. “Welcome back,” he says with such a soft voice that it’s like a siren call to him. Like he just got back home from a long shift- and that doesn’t help the inner mantra of pulling himself together.
“Thanks,” he responds, more awkwardly than he intends. “You playing that game again?” he asks as he gets on his side of the bed, fluffing up his well-stuffed pillow. He dims the lights in the room until they turn off completely, laying down as well. The older makes a sound of agreement, showing off the screen momentarily. Hongjoong scoots over a little bit, pulling the duvet over himself as he looks at the screen too. He’s so close he can practically feel the other’s body heat. “I couldn’t find a second duvet but I’m sure we could ask the staff,” Seonghwa says thoughtfully, seeming to bite his lip. “Don’t worry about it,” he responds, “it’s so late already and I kinda just wanna sleep.” He doesn't want another duvet. Sharing one with the other is like a dream and he almost wants to pinch himself to see if this is real.
With that, Seonghwa wipes the screen to close the game and clicks his screen shut. “Agreed,” he says with a little chuckle as he discards his phone onto the bedside table, only then slipping under the duvet himself. Thoughtful, once again. Hongjoong shifts a little further away now that they’re not looking at the screen, leaving a respectful space between them. He’s not sure if he’s the only one who feels the tension between them, like there’s something unspoken neither of them knows how to bring up. He could be imagining all of it and that exact thought has kept him from ever speaking up.
But, they had kissed once. Of course, as one could expect, they’d been drunk, and it had been a dare- only that Hongjoong was not as drunk as the rest of their friends that night. Seonghwa had the softest lips, his cologne smelled divine when it invaded his space, and their kiss ended up being more than just a quick peck. It left the older laughing and grinning from ear to ear while there had been a faint dust of pink on Hongjoong’s cheeks from sheer embarrassment. He’d been mocked for it, but he swore it was because the game was dumb.
It was a night when he nearly gathered the courage to make his move; his hand had just brushed past Seonghwa’s waist, missing him by an inch at most. It had made his stomach flip in every which way, but the next morning Seonghwa had simply said, “We were pretty drunk, weren’t we?” and laughed it off, and that statement alone had made the younger glad he’d hesitated.
“Do you ever think about how one small decision could’ve changed your entire life? Like butterfly effect,” Hongjoong suddenly speaks up as he comes back from his thoughts, back into the moment where they’re both laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. He turns towards Seonghwa and even in the dark he can see his beautifully curved nose and his plush lips, that stunning side profile of his. Not even the stars in the sky compare to the beauty the other holds. Hongjoong has always been far more fascinated by him than the sky above. Seonghwa glances his way, waking him from his trance, “Like the movie? I mean, I think about it sometimes. But we’re here, aren’t we? And we should be glad about the journey we’ve had.”
The answer is more loaded than he expects. They rarely speak so openly- or well, Hongjoong rarely shares such deep thoughts. “Yeah,” he agrees, shuffling to get comfortable, bringing the duvet over his shoulder. “Is everything okay, Joongie? I think we did pretty well today. You’ve been training a lot, you shouldn’t worry about that,” Seonghwa does the same, turning on his side so for a moment they look at each other and it feels so much more intimate with the lights out, with barely any space between them.
“I’m fine, I was just thinking I missed a step or two. Wouldn’t want it to affect our future,” he lies, blaming his deep thoughts on their dance practice. Seonghwa has the softest eyes he’s ever seen, and he can still see little pebbles of light reflecting from them from the sliver of moonlight that’s coming through the curtains. Even now, he can tell that the taller is smiling. “You did perfect,” the other assures him, his hand on the mattress moving towards Hongjoong. For a moment, he holds his breath as he hears movement, his heart starting to pound wildly. But Seonghwa stops, as if he’s sensing the rigidness of his body, like there’s an invisible barrier between them.
“Better get some sleep,” Seonghwa’s hand retreats and he quickly turns around, facing his back towards the younger. The moment is gone but Hongjoong still can’t calm himself, his fingertips buzzing from the kick of adrenaline. He doesn’t think he can fall asleep that easily now. “Sleep well,” he says anyway, hearing the other mumble something similar back at him. There’s this sinking feeling in his chest that he can’t quite define, every bit of him wishing he could reverse time a few minutes, so he could’ve done something different, reacted somehow differently. But much like then, he's frozen on the spot now, replaying the moment in his head.
“Hwa,” he finally manages, his voice quiet. He needs to say something. He doesn’t even know what, but he’ll know once Seonghwa turns to face him again. Except he doesn’t. He seems to be asleep already and it leaves the younger wondering just how long he’d been in his head, thinking about reaching out, staring at the other’s back. He lets out a sigh of defeat, moving his hand closer to the other, much like he’d done first. But he doesn’t dare to cross that barrier either. “Goodnight,” he whispers instead, carefully shifting closer. He keeps his arms tightly pressed against his chest but moves his head forward, lightly pressing his forehead against the other man’s shoulder blades. It's a light touch, barely there, yet he can feel the other’s even breathing. For now, it would have to be enough.