Chapter Text
Shi Qingxuan woke up with her head throbbing with probably the worst headache of her life. It felt as though someone was drilling into both sides of her skull non-stop. Even trying to sleep it off didn't work, the pain was so loud and intense that when she closed her eyes, the loss of one sense heightened the feel of another. She grunted, tossing and turning in the sheets, trying her best to silence the ache she was feeling.
Qingxuan had never had a good pain tolerance, a consequence of being so coddled that not even a single scratch was allowed to dampen her fair skin. Her parents had treated her like some priceless porcelain doll, kept away in their neat glass cabinet. They didn't allow her to run around the streets like her brother, or learn how to ride a bike. For as long as she could remember pain was a foreign thought. An abstract concept rather than a tangible thing. Sure, she knew the pain of minor bruises and scratches from her years of ballet, or the sting of sipping on soup that was a little too hot, but she never experienced the hurt of losing a pet, or watching your parents argue over putting food on the table. She knew only of a temporary kind of suffering, not those that left a mark so deep no one could even see it. Pain was so absent in her life that for the longest time she thought she was immune to it. That was until…
You’re just not what I’m looking for.
Ming Yi’s words echoed in her mind even after a couple months since it left her mouth. It haunted every second of her life like it was a demon feeding on her very existence. That was the first time Qingxuan truly understood what pain meant. How it gnawed and consumed you until all that's left is a shell of the person you once were. And that's exactly what she felt like now, a hollow shell that's devoid of any emotion and feeling. It got to the point where she started craving pain and suffering, cause at least then she knew that she wasn't entirely as numb as she thought, at least it was something.
Her agony became a constant reminder that she was still alive and nothing screamed alive more like a migraine that made you want to hit your head against a wall. She sat up, rubbing her eyes awake, blinking furiously until her vision cleared. The dark walls, cheap furniture, and clothes thrown across the floor told her that she definitely wasn't in her expensive high rise apartment. If that wasn't enough, there was a woman lying next to her in bed, sleeping peacefully.
Of course, how could she forget? In another attempt to forget about her break-up she’d dragged her friends into a bar, got drunk out of her mind, and slept with the first person she saw. It's a cycle she’s been repeating for what felt like ages. Qingxuan was so tired of it all but she couldn't bring herself to stop. Alcohol and sex provided her with some solace, some semblance of normalcy. Her and Ming Yi would often drink together after a long day of work before fucking all night. It was a pattern. A routine, even.
“Fuck,” she cursed under her breath. “You really have to stop doing this, Qingxuan.”
She threw the covers off herself and went to look for her clothes. Her phone was tucked into the pocket of her dress and upon opening it, she saw missed call after missed call from Xie Lian. The poor man was probably worried sick after she disappeared on him last night without a word. She hoped that he didn't tell her brother about this, but Xie Lian was kind enough to know not to contact Shi Wudu unless it was really urgent, and due to Qingxuan’s recent spiral into madness, her friend could probably guess what she was up to and was simply checking whether she’s still alive or not.
After sending a short reply, she started looking for the rest of her things. All the hussle and bussle of getting herself together had woken up the sleeping figure on the tiny bed. She didn't even know how the both of them had fit in it last night.
“You leaving already?” the woman asked. Would it be bad if Qingxuan said she didn't even remember the name of the woman she hooked up with last night?
“Uhhh, yeah. My friend’s been calling me non-stop since last night. He’s probably running around trying to figure out where I am,” she replied with a nervous laugh.
The woman sat up and nodded, her short black bob obscuring the disappointed look on her face—her slight resemblance to Ming Yi definitely didn't escape Qingxuan’s notice. It wasn't like she didn't enjoy her company last night. The other woman was sweet and thoughtful, willing to listen to whatever nonsense spewed out of her mouth. The sex had been mind-blowing and incredible. Probably the best out of all of Qingxuan’s casual hook-ups in her quest of trying to fill the void her ex-girlfriend left behind, but it was exactly that void that made her swear that was never ever going to fall in love ever again. She never wanted to feel the pain of heartbreak ever again.
It was such a shame, as the dark haired woman seemed to take quite a liking to Qingxuan. “Won’t you stay for breakfast?”
Under any circumstances she would’ve said yes, but breakfast would just make it awkward. She didn't want to give the impression that she was after anything more than a one night stand, didn't want to string this random girl along when Qingxuan herself had no intention of ever seeing her again. She needed an excuse, and she needed one fast.
“I…actually,” she mumbled, wracking her mind for literally anything to say to not make her look even more of a mess than she already was. “I think I forgot to feed my dog last night so I’d better hurry and get back home before he starts going hungry. Haha, I wouldn't want to look like a neglectful parent.”
It wasn't entirely untrue as she did leave Feng under her brother’s care last night, so technically she didn't feed him. Before her excuse can even be questioned, Qingxuan had grabbed her things and said her goodbyes, calling herself a cab on her way out.
She asked to be dropped off at a pharmacy near her brother’s office to pick up some aspirin for her still throbbing head. She really needed to stop getting drunk so often and then regretting it all in the morning. Not only does it take her to places she didn't know with people she didn't even remember the names of, but the migraines that came with her hangover certainly weren't worth it. Another thing to add to her list of reasons why she needed to get her life back together.
Her brother’s office was just a short walk away from the pharmacy, but she underestimated how fucking ruthless that walk was going to be when you’re wearing six inch stilettos and your head was pounding as if it wanted to explode.
Eventually she managed the harsh trek but not without a couple blisters that she was sure was going to be all over her feet by the end of the day. She wanted to curse herself and her brother as she looked up at the tall building that housed the Shi family’s trading company. The sun hit its windows in a way that blinded her eyes, making it look like she was entering heaven itself. In truth, it was more akin to entering hell.
The guards bowed to her as she entered, uttering “Good morning, Miss Shi,” when she passed by. Qingxuan reciprocated the greeting by plastering the best fake camera worthy smile she could muster and exclaiming, “Good morning!” to literally everyone she encountered.
Being the younger sister of the CEO had its privileges, that being not having to talk to reception whether she could even see her brother or not. She wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone right now, especially to the rude guy at the reception desk that never failed to roll his eyes at her everytime she even dared approach him.
Qingxuan headed into one of the elevators and luckily it was empty. She pressed the button to Shi Wudu’s floor before reaching into her purse to spray some of her sweet strawberry scented perfume to mask the smell of alcohol. Just as the elevator door was inches away from closing completely, it stopped, a black boot peeking through the gap.
The door opened to reveal none other than He Xuan wearing his usual black button downs—sleeves rolled up to his elbows just so that his tattoos of dragons and fishes were visible. His black pants accentuated his long legs, making him look taller than he already was—he was a whole head taller than her, she didn't need another reason to be reminded of it. And that ever present unfriendly scowl on his rather handsome face—wouldn’t be He Xuan without it.
“He-xiong!” she said in lieu of hello. “Haven’t seen you around in a long time.”
The man looked down on her, both literally and figuratively thanks to his height advantage. “Thank fucking god for that,” he sneered as he got inside and stood next to her, arms crossed.
She chose to ignore the sarcastic remark but before she could even open her mouth to engage in friendly conversation, he said, “You shouldn't be wearing that here. It's inappropriate.”
It was Qingxuan’s turn to look down on herself, eyes met with the short green sequin dress that she wore to get drunk and laid last night at the bar. She probably should’ve thought of that before coming here, she didn't really want to burst into her brother’s office with half of her tits hanging out—that’d probably send Shi Wudu into a coma. But that was exactly the problem, she wasn't thinking straight at all. She hadn't been thinking straight for a couple months now, her mind stuck in this endless loop of drink and forget.
Pre-breakup Shi Qingxuan would never in her life come to her brother’s office with a full on headache, reeking of alcohol, and body covered in bites and bruises that her concealer couldn't hide. She would never be so shameless.
She certainly didn't want to appear like that in front of him. He Xuan had made it clear way back in their college years that he didn't like her—something related to the fact that she was admitted via her father’s connections, which was a valid point but she saw no reason why he needed to be such an asshole to her until now. Qingxuan simply hated the idea that someone didn't like her. Always taking pride in the fact that she was a very likeable person thanks to her bubbly personality, generous attitude, and undeniable good-looks, it stung that the one person she desperately wanted to be close to simply hated her guts. That had never stopped her, though.
“I think it's a pretty cute dress, don’t you?” she teased, leaning towards him a little bit so if he turned her way, he could see something better to look down on. “The guys at the bar seem to think so too.”
She heard a faint 'tsk' in his direction. “Shameless.”
A smirk made its way to her lips when the elevator started moving.
Qingxuan had never been a fan of silence so she knew she had to make a bit of small talk if she didn't want to be left alone with her thoughts. “How have you been, He-xiong?”
“Why do you care?”
The man didn't even bother to glance at her when he said it, keeping his eyes straight at the door like he’d rather be anywhere else but here with her.
“Cause you’re my best friend.” She inched a little closer to him and hung onto his arm, pressing the soft skin of her chest into his muscle.
She felt him jolt at the feeling before pushing her away quite roughly. “Get off me!”
Qingxuan caught herself on the walls of the tiny elevator. He didn't push her hard enough to actually knock her off her feet but her stilettos certainly weren't helping. He Xuan was too busy dusting his sleeve off to notice her, as if she left traces of herself in him, face twisted in disgust.
There was always something about his grumpy demeanor that always made her continue teasing him, wanting to see if she could crack his suit of arrogance and general nonchalance. It had all started in college when the two met at freshman orientation. Qingxuan was running late thanks to devoting almost two hours on meticulously crafting her hair, make-up, and outfit for the day. First impressions last, as her brother always said. Because of this, she ran out of seat at the front and was forced to take one at the very back next to a boy with long hair, dressed in all black, and reading a book on ancient Chinese literature.
“Hello!” she said, holding her hand out. “My name’s Shi Qingxuan. What's yours?”
The boy tore his gaze away from his book, looked down at her palm, and then up to her face. “I didn't ask.”
“Well, I’m asking. I want to make friends on my first day here. No need to be so rude.”
He rolled his eyes. “He Xuan,” he mumbled.
“Huh?”
“My name’s He Xuan, you idiot.”
She didn't even hear the part where he called her an idiot, mind too focused on the fact that this stranger’s name was so similar to hers.
“Wait, really?! What character?”
He Xuan brought his student ID up to her face so she could see how his name was written. She also took the opportunity to observe his student photo. He wasn't even smiling in it.
She squealed, loud enough that it caused a couple heads to turn their way. “That's the same as mine!” she exclaimed, showing him her ID.
It was there and then that she decided she was going to be best friends with this guy. Surely it wasn't a coincidence that out of all the people in this room she ended up seating next to someone who’s name was so similar to hers. And from the looks of it, He Xuan didn't bother making niceties to the other freshmen so that left her as his only companion. After all, who the hell wanted to be lonely in college?
“What are you even doing here?” he asked her now, straightening himself.
Qingxuan tried not to get distracted on the way the muscles on his arm flexed as he crossed his arms again. She shook her head to get her mind out of the gutter. “Gege isn't answering my calls. He has my dog so I kinda need to know the answer urgently.”
“That ugly ass thing you always carry around?”
She gasped. “Don’t say that about Feng! He’s my baby.”
“I mean, you do kind of look like him.”
Appalled, she swung her purse violently in his way until it hit him. He didn't even flinch, acting as though she was nothing more than a fly on his shoulder.
“Why are you so rude? This is why girls never go out with you.”
“How do you know?”
She huffed, mirroring his stance. “For one, I’m literally a girl. Two, I’m pretty sure I've pulled more girls than you.”
“That's not the flex you want it to be,” he said in a flat tone.
The soft ding of the elevator door opening dampened Qingxuan’s anger. He Xuan was walking out of there, turning the other way before she could even wave goodbye.
“See you later, He-xiong!” she yelled after him.
Taking a deep breath, Qingxuan pulled her phone out to look at her reflection. Dark circles rested under her eyes, her skin paler than it should be, making her look like some kind of ghost. She tried her best to make herself presentable while she was sitting in the backseat of the cab but she could only do so much when the road was so bumpy and she didn't have the right supplies.
She ruffled her hair, throwing it around a bit to add some volume. Her curls from last night began to droop and not in a way that was cute or effortless. She also fixed the strap of her dress, not wanting to flash a room full of her brother’s closest associates in case he was in an important meeting. That didn't seem like the case though. Everything was so quiet except for the hum of someone’s printer or the sound of paper being flipped.
She approached the door and knocked a couple times, giving her brother’s assistant, Ling Wen, a bright smile. “Hi. Is gege—”
Ling Wen took one look at her. “Wudu-xiong, your sister’s here,” she called to the room.
“Tell her to come in,” she heard her brother’s voice say.
Ling Wen led her inside and Qingxuan’s heart dropped when she saw who else was in there. She was pretty sure her jaw dropped as well but she couldn't really tell. Qingxuan’s entire body went stiff at the sight of her. The woman that had taken her heart and shed it into pieces just a couple months prior. Ming Yi didn't have to turn around for Qingxuan to know it was her. She knew every inch of the other girl’s body like it was the back of her hand—as if it were her own. And when her gaze landed on Qingxuan, a look of mock enthusiasm in them, her heart simply stopped beating.
“Xuan-er,” the bitch had the audacity to say with a smile. “It’s been a while. How are you, sweetheart?”
Qingxuan wanted to scream. She wanted to run up to her and slap her so hard her head would fly off. She wanted to yell at her and call her names, say how much she turned her life upside down in a single night, how Ming Yi seemingly took all the light inside her when she walked out the door of their apartment, leaving Qingxuan alone and helpless for the monsters to feed on. She wanted to wrap her arms around Ming Yi and get lost in her embrace, inhaling her familiar earthy scent that marked so many of their best memories.
Two years Qingxuan spent loving this woman with her whole heart, building a future with her in her head only for it all to come crashing down the second she found out what Ming Yi had done. She was so distraught that she didn't even have the energy to pull herself out of the wreckage, and that's where she’d stay for the past four months.
Ming Yi was Qingxuan's first girlfriend. Her first love. She’d constructed her whole life around her and her desires, her needs. Qingxuan tried her hardest to be who her girlfriend wanted her to be. Ming Yi didn't want her to make stupid decisions when she was drunk so she tried to be sober while they were together. Ming Yi didn't want her to work long hours so instead of putting her business degree to use, she applied to a modelling agency. Ming Yi didn't want to drive for two hours just to see her after work so she moved out of her parent’s huge mansion to rent an apartment near her girlfriend’s office even though her modelling gigs barely paid for it.
Qingxuan had done it all for her. For them.
And now she was expected to just forget it all? To let it go? It was close to impossible to unlearn the habits of the past two years, especially when it's all she’s ever known. All she’s ever wanted—or at least made to think that she wanted. If Ming Yi didn't love her then who will?
She was frozen in place, she didn't even think she could speak even if she tried. But she didn't want to look like a fucking loser in front of her ex. No, she no longer deserves Qingxuan’s vulnerability.
“Good,” was all she could muster. She had completely forgotten the fact that Ming Yi happened to work with her brother. With a single word from Qingxuan, Wudu would probably cut ties with the woman but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She refused to pull the trigger and ruin Ming Yi the same way she’d ruin her, to leave her laying there in a pool of her own blood. There was no way she was going to stoop that low. Unlike her ex-girlfriend, Shi Qingxuan wasn't cruel.
“What made you come here, meimei?” Thank god for her brother, breaking the tension between the past lovers.
Qingxuan focused all her attention on Shi Wudu. “Gege, how’s Feng?”
Shi Wudu chuckled and approached her. “Of course, it's about the dog. And here I thought you just wanted to drop by and say hello to your dear brother.”
“That too, ge! Haha” she added, seeing the slight disappointment in his eyes. If there was one thing Shi Qingxuan hated, it was disappointing her brother.
“Feng’s alright. I left him with some of my helpers. You can drop by and pick him up whenever you want.”
“Thank you, gege. I can always count on you.”
Wudu pulled her into a tight hug, planting a soft kiss on the top of her head.
“Qingxuan,” he said rather sternly when they separated. “Why do you smell so strongly of alcohol?”
Fuck. If Ming Yi found out that she had started drinking again after their break-up it would reveal how much of a loser she’s become since then. It would give her a glimpse into the whirlwind that’s been overtaking Qingxuan and controlling all her impulsive actions. She needed to look like she was drinking for amusement instead of drinking for necessity.
“I went out last night!” she blurted out. “I had a lot of fun.”
“With who?”
“My boyfriend.” The words left her lips even before she could think about it. What the fuck are you saying, Qingxuan?!
Wudu furrowed his brows. “Boyfriend? You’re seeing someone else again?”
Hell, she couldn't take it back now or else she’ll risk looking so desperate in front of her ex. She just needed to run with it. Her brother would probably forget about it soon. “Yes! We’ve only been dating for a month or two but we’ve had a lot of fun, gege.”
Her brother looked between her and Ming Yi, still confused. “Have you two resolved your issues yet?”
“Of course, Wudu-xiong,” Ming Yi reassured, her velvety voice devoid of hesitation. “Xuan-er and I have talked it all out, you don't need to worry about anything.”
If Qingxuan didn't know what Ming Yi looked like when she was lying she’d believe her. She only wished that she knew that look sooner.
“Well, then,” her brother continued. “Who’s the lucky young man? You know I’d love to meet him.”
The weight of her lie had finally dawned on her. How the fuck if she going to conjure up a fake boyfriend. She couldn't very well say that they had broken up, her brother would be able to look through her immediately. Dammit, she needed to come up with something. Anything.
“I… uh…” She looked around, seeing all the eyes on her. Her brother’s, Ling Wen’s and of course Ming Yi’s. They were all staring intently into her, hanging on every word. Was her dating life really that interesting? Apart from Xie Lian it seemed to her like no one really cared before. But maybe her brother had told Ling Wen, and hell maybe even Pei Ming about what happened, no doubt. Now, it seems her new ‘boyfriend’ will be the talk of the town.
“Well? Don't tell me you forgot his name, Qingxuan,” her brother joked, making the other two in the room laugh as well.
“Hahaha, no, gege. It's just—” Her heart was racing, sweat coming down her forehead. She hated being put on the spot like this. She hated not being prepared for anything she couldn't control. She hated all the eyes boring into her as if they could see her nose growing with every lie that left her lips.
Their laughter continued to echo in her mind, mimicking the sounds she heard in her dreams when the shadows had mocked her for her weeping. Her weakness. She just needed them to shut up and let her think, goddamit!
Then, the door opened, a man holding a clipboard making his way inside. “Sir, someone at the—”
She knew that voice. Another foolish idea planted itself into her head. “He Xuan! He Xuan is my boyfriend!” she declared without pause.
One second the room was enveloped in silence and the next, it exploded.
“What the fuck?!”
Qingxuan didn't even know who said it first.