Work Text:
Kirkwall reeked of desperation and fear. Anders had still not quite gotten used to it since he'd fled the Wardens, holed up in his Darktown clinic trying to do some good in a city where no one seemed to care. Justice's presence in his mind had grown more insistent lately, making it harder to distinguish where the spirit ended and he began.
The clinic door opened, and he reached for his staff, half expecting Templars. Instead, a woman with amber eyes strode in, flanked by a beardless dwarf and a guardswoman. Behind them, a dark-haired young man who could only be the woman's brother skulked looking annoyed.
"I'm Hawke," she said, "and I hear you might have some Grey Warden maps that could be useful for a Deep Roads expedition, I'm willing to pay."
Anders looked at her, she seemed competent. "If I wanted coin I've been doing it all wrong.” He replied gesturing to the sick people in his dingy clinic under the city, he took no coin, simply using his magic to heal those too poor and desperate to get help elsewhere. “But perhaps, a favor for a favor? I actually... there's something you could help me with in return. A friend – someone important to me – is trapped in the Gallows. I've arranged a meeting with him in the Chantry tonight, but..."
"But you suspect a trap," Hawke finished, that easy smile never wavering.
"Karl was my... we were..." Anders swallowed hard. "Just help me make sure he's safe."
He was nervous waiting outside the chantry, he wondered if she'd bring the same friends she'd brought to his clinic. He knew this was a difficult ask, a dangerous task. Then he saw her and the same friends from earlier walking up.
She'd come, she'd actually shown up. Anders had half expected this woman to turn him into the templars, and have him thrown back into the circle. Even being a mage herself, he couldn't be too careful, but she'd shown up. The Chantry felt wrong at night. Their footsteps echoed off stone walls as Anders led them up the stairs, each step making his heart beat faster. Justice stirred beneath his skin, sensing his anxiety.
"Karl?" he called out, spotting a familiar figure near the altar. "Karl, I'm here!" The man turned, and Anders felt his world crack apart. That blank face, that sunburst brand, those empty eyes…
"Anders," Karl said, his voice as flat as still water. "I know you too well. I knew you would never give up."
"No..." Anders stumbled forward. "Karl, what have they done to you?"
"They fixed me, I was too rebellious. Like you are." Karl's words made his stomach drop. "There is no pain now. You should accept it, as I have."
Templars appeared to surround them suddenly. Hawke drew her blade as Varric loaded his crossbow Bianca. But Anders barely noticed. He felt broken and jagged, a need for justice for revenge overtaking him. Blue light cracked across his skin.
"NO!" The voice that emerged was his and not his. The rage and grief too much for Anders to keep control. The Templars fell and in that moment of power, Karl's eyes cleared.
"Anders?" Karl gasped, emotion flooding back into his voice. "Maker, Anders, what did you do? It's like you brought a piece of the Fade into this world. I can feel... everything. The colors, the sounds... Quick, kill me. Kill me before it fades!"
"Karl, no-"
"You don't know what it's like, all the color in the world gone." Karl pleaded.
"Please, love. Don't make me live like this."
Hawke stepped forward, placing a gentle hand on Anders's shoulder. "Whatever you decide," she said softly, "we're here."
Anders pulled Karl close one last time. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry I didn't come sooner."
"You saved me Anders," Karl murmured, a ghost of his old smile crossing his face. Then his eyes began to dull again. "Anders? Why do you look at me that way?"
The knife was quick and merciful. Anders cradled Karl's body until the warmth left it, Justice's glow fading to leave him alone with his grief. Later, in the clinic, Hawke came to see him. The others had gone home, but she came. “So the glowing thing?” She started.
“Justice, he was my friend. A spirit trapped outside the fade, he needed a host to survive. I thought a friend it must be better than him haunting corpses, we were going to change things, start a revolution. Free the circle mages. But once we merged my anger changed him, the things I had always been angry about the abuses against mages I could no longer ignore, and now he is no longer my friend justice, but a demon of vengeance…”
“I'm sorry about Justice, I'm sorry about Karl, you two seemed close.” She consoled.
sitting quietly while he tried to find words for the newly hollow space in his chest. "We met in the Ferelden Circle," he finally said. "Karl was... he, I loved him. When he was transferred to kirkeall’s circle.” His voice broke. "I promised I'd find him."
"And you did," Hawke said gently. "You gave him back himself, even if only for a moment.”
"It doesn't feel like i did anything for him?"
"She squeezed his hand. "The world's broken, Anders. But maybe that's why we keep trying to fix it. Hey, now at least you can add this to your tragic backstory. It makes you look incredibly sexy.”
He barked out a laugh, not quite offended. "He looked at her then. "Thank you. For being there. For... understanding."
"Well, I've decided we're friends now, and that's what friends are for." She grinned.
He'd expected her to leave, maybe attack him when explained to her about Justice, about how he'd been trying to help the spirit giving him a host so he wouldn't cease to exist, stuck outside the fade with no host, or haunting corpses, but she'd consoled him. He'd given her the maps of the deep roads and she'd flirted implied he looked “sexy and tortured”, funny, sarcastic. It reminded him of how he used to be… before Justice.
__________
“You have my help if you need it.” Anders offered, and she'd collected repeatedly soon after. That's how he ended up back at the chantry fighting bloody pirates with her. He liked her, he liked her friends. Varric was fun, could spin a tale, or whip out an insult, silver tongue. Meeting Isabella again was a welcome surprise, though he found Isabella grated on his nerves a bit with the addition of Justice to his personality. It wasn't her fault though, not really. Hawke seemed like… Not a people pleaser, but a problem solver. Like she felt the need to fix things for other people, and then complain about it. Isabelle had some guys she'd screwed over chasing her, Hawke killed them free of charge.
"Well now that's done." Hawke laughed stepping over dead pirates in the Chantry as they left. "We have another job to do."
“It's always work with you Hawke, why? How about something fun, like thieving or sex. You know me and Anders know each other, he used to do this thing with his magic, that was nice, Hawke, if you and Anders ever decide to spend time together, you should ask him to try it.” Isabella laughed and teased at him like this often, and everyone really. “We could all spend some time together If you wanted.”
“Ah yes, first it's murder this scary man for me, and then it's lets have super hot sex, with a sad doe eyed man with a demon in his head, you always want something Bella” Hawk and Isabella giggled arms around each others shoulders, knocking into each other like they'd known each other a lifetime. Anders really couldn't tell if they were joking.
“Ok you two” Varric interrupted. “Hawke, didn't you have an actual job for us to do tonight?
“Spoilsport” Isabella muttered under her breath.
“A small one.” Atheneril’s contact is a dwarf named Anso, not entirely sure what we're doing, getting back stolen goods I think.
Another thing he'd often found himself doing with her, scouring high town, low town, the docks, dark town, for jobs, for coin to help Hawke, Varric and his brother fund an expedition to the blighted deep roads. He hated the deep roads, he didn't want to go back and he hoped she wouldn't take him, but if she asked him to go, he probably would. He hadn't turned down a single one of her requests yet. Despite him warning her off when she'd first flirted with him, he thought he might be a little in love. Not that the work arrangement was one sided. She'd been just as happy to help him with things when he'd asked, sneaking the mages out of the gallows, evading the templars. She was a good person.
The dwarf Anso was cagey when they'd met him. Hawke managed to pry out that they were looking for smuggled lyrium, and then been sent on their way. Hawke was clearly getting frustrated, they'd been attacked by random bandit after random bandit on their way there, and then when they actually got where they were going there was no lyrium, there was nothing. Then of course when they went to tell Anso, and there was an ambush. Someone, the leader maybe prattled something about “That's not the elf!” before the fighting started. Hawke was more than happy to take out her mounting frustration on them and the enemy went down easily. Then suddenly there was an elf. He looked deadly as he stepped out of the shadows. white hair bright in the moonlight, strange tattoos lines on his body glowing against his dark skin as his hand seemed to phase through one of their enemies chest crushing his heart before the glow faded.
The elf dropped the corpse and walked towards them. “I apologize, when I asked Anso to provide a distraction for the hunters, I did not know they'd be so…. numerous”
“Don't worry, we do this sort of thing often.” Hawk replied cheerily.
“Impressive, My name is Fenris, those men were imperial bounty hunters seeking to recover a magister's lost property. Namely myself. Crude as their methods were, I could not face them alone, thankfully Anso chose wisely.”
“You didn't need to lie, Fenris. I'm always happy to gut slavers and their lackies, but why do they want you, it seems like a lot of trouble for just one slave?” Hawke was curious.
“It's not me he wants, it's the lyrium he's branded into my skin, he doesn't wish to lose his investment.”
Fenris looked skeptical, they talked a bit more and in the end Hawke had agreed that they would all go to Denarius’ Mansion with him to kill Fenris’ former master. They'd run through the decrepit mansion in high town fighting demons, all the while Fenris shouted threats to Denarius into the air. Cutting down the demons wasn't difficult, but it was tiring. When the man Denarius turned out not to be there any longer in the end Anders couldn't help but feel bad for Fenris, he had beautiful eyes, and they looked so sad, and then he spoke and ruined it.
“And now I find myself in yet the company of another mage” Fenris face no longer looks sad, simply annoyed, perhaps a bit aggressive, and Anders considers stepping in front of Hawke in case he attacked. Isabella does it for him, subtly edging herself in the way of Fenris’ blade, just in case.
“Are you serious? You're going to complain about mages after we just helped you fight off all those demons, presumably we're trying to save you from slavery.” Anders voice is just below a shout, anger clear in his voice.
Fenris ignores Anders outburst completely, addressing Hawke. “I imagine I appear ungrateful, if so I apologize, nothing could be farther from the truth. I owe you a debt, if you find yourself in need of assistance I would gladly render it.”
Anders wants Hawke to reject the offer, this man was clearly dangerous, clearly hates people like them. He's sure Fenris would turn them in to the templars, but much like her arguably poor decision making when recruiting him, and the the pirate queen Isabella, she smiles brightly and accepts his help.
__________
It's been a couple of weeks now and Anders was sure Hawke was insane. All Fenris talked about was how evil mages were, about how they were going to turn on them any minute. He was sure he'd been implying that Anders would be better off tranquil. He'd practically shouted about him being an abomination in the middle of the gallows. They'd do some jobs together, both feeling as if they owed Hawke they simply couldn't bring themselves to say no, but god did that man get on Anders last nerve!
Now Hawke has them running around in the mountains, she needs to go see the Dalish for some reason. She brings Varric, Anders and Fenris, who still don't get on well as they trek up sundermount, they also finish killing off the last of some mercenaries from some job Hawke and picked up off the chanters board on their way there.
When they arrived the Dalish seem wary, likely because most of Hawke's group was human. They let them pass however. There's a tiny elven woman, even smaller than the rest of the elves waiting alone. The keeper Marathari had said they would need to take her with them when they left. He'd wondered why at first, she seemed harmless, tiny, sweet. She'd introduced herself awkwardly as Merrill, hoping she hadn't offended Hawke, who in turn suggested she try harder if she wanted to be offensive. Completely harmless. And then they'd gotten farther up the mountain and there it was, she used blood magic. What was wrong with her, did she not understand the danger?
“I know perfectly well what I'm doing.” she'd argued with Hawke, Anders, and Fenris on their way through the mountain.
At some point Fenris ceased trying to argue rationally, and simply decided Merril was evil. “Witch” he'd hissed under his breath, and stopped speaking to her.
Hawke of course was much nicer about it, and she and Merrill had somehow become great friends through the short journey up the mountain, to the witch of the wilds, back down again, and to the alienage. They parted ways with Hawke and Varric both promising to visit Merrill’s new home soon.
Hawke also liked to just go through and destroy the rival gangs and thugs that would attack people at night. She took Anders whenever she could because he was the best healer, though her, and Merrill could both heal a bit as well. It was Anders specialty and he'd usually closed the clinic down by the time she'd asked, so he didn't have a reason to say no.
For the most part people appreciated his healing. Isabella would flirt with him every time he healed her cuts, sometimes give a fake moan, it made him laugh. Merrill usually healed herself, but when she didn't think to in the midst of battle she would always shout a thanks you, just like Varric would give a thanks blondie, and Aveline a very formal thank you Anders. Fenris however would scowl at him, and tell him no.
“Do not touch me mage” Fenris had shouted, the first time he'd had a serious enough injury for Anders to make an attempt to heal him.
“You're just going to what? Bleed out then?” Anders had shouted. “A potion will make you feel better, but not completely fix everything.”
“I will not have you use magic on me.” Fenris replied, tone even and final.
Anders scrubbed his hand down his face in frustration.” Then the wound needs to be cleaned and stitched, and you can't fight for at least a few days.”
“Don't be ridiculous mage, I can still fight!”
“Hawke” Anders said, frustration very evident in his voice. “Can you do something about him?”
Hawke looked between Fenris and Anders. “Fenris you're being ridiculous. We're taking you home, your leg is torn to ribbons. Anders is stitching you up because the rest of us will do a poor job of it. And then you can rest for a few days. Since you're absolutely refusing to be healed by magic. I'm not going to ask you to keep fighting in this condition. I'd be a terrible friend, and Isabella would bemoan the loss of your sexy sexy legs if i let you get an infection and sepsis.”
Fenris looked uncomfortable for a second before speaking up. “Hawke, you may heal me, with magic. I do not wish for Anders or the witch to touch me.”
Anders glared at Fenris. “Oh may she heal you? You're doing her such a kindness by allowing her to make sure you don't die in the streets.”
Fenris ignored Anders comment, but Hawke laughed. “Yes Anders, it's very sweet of him not to die in an alley.” She raised her hands over his wounds looking mildly uncomfortable. “Are you sure Fenris, Anders is much better at this than I am. If it was always my choice, I'd trust him more than me to even heal myself.”
Fenris looked at her and spoke. “I am sure.”
A burst of soft green light from Hawke's hands, and Fenris flinched. Healing magic wasn't supposed to hurt. Anders assumed it must have to do with the lyrium tattoos, they lit up when strong magic was cast near him, they were glowing bright as Hawke healed Fenris. When She was done she held out her arms, either to help him up or for a hug.
Fenris ignored her outstretched arms like always, and stood. “I am healed, we may finish clearing out muggers from the streets.”
__________
Along the next few days they'd gone by the chantry again and informed some royal “Sebastian Veil prince of Starkhaven”, pretending to be some holy chantry boy that his family had been avenged, and he too promised to help Hawke if she needed. He was obnoxious, and preachy, and Anders, Fenris, and Isabella were all sure Hawke secretly hated him. But like all of their other new “friends” he was invited to their Wicked grace night at the hanged man, along with Isabella, Varric, Merrill, Aveline, and Hawke’s surly brother Carver.
Anders was honestly surprised Hawke was friends with Aveline. With all the trouble Hawke got into he wondered how they'd managed to stay friends with a city guard, but there she was playing cards with the rest of them.
Carver usually left early, sick of listening to Hawke and Isabella flirt while they all tried to drunkenly play cards, with each other, with the table.
“Varric, do you remember when you promised I could run my fingers through your chest hair?”
“I promised no such thing Rivaini.” Chuckling at the very obvious lie.
Isabella turned her gaze from Varric over to Fenris, and then Anders. “Hawke, now we have two sad boys with doe eyes, and neither one wants to go to bed with us? Is this not a tragedy?”
Merrill cut in confused. “Will you all fit in one bed? It seems like it would be uncomfortable to sleep in your bed at the hanged man? Or Maybe Hawke's bed is bigger?”
“Kitten, I wasn't talking about actually sleeping.”
Fenris cut in, voice stern. “I would not touch the mage.”
Isabella pouted, While Varric redirected. “Alright everyone, back to the game. Ready to lose the rest of your coin broody?”
Hawke woke Anders up early one morning vibrating with anticipation.
“It's almost time, I'm so close! Will you come? Aveline has found a bit more guard work i can help with, and I'll have just enough coin for the deep roads. It's just a bit of look out work along the wounded coast.” She'd smiled brightly and opened her arms for a hug.
Anders looked past her to see who else was there. Merrill stood slightly beside her a bit back, while Fenris stood much farther back. He really didn't want to go to the wounded coast with the blood mage or the mage hater, but Hawke looked so excited and he wanted to help. He hugged her briefly and gathered his staff. “Alright then, let's go.”
“Is there a reason you're making me travel with three mages?” Fenris complained on their way across the coast.
“Actually I wanted to take Isabella or Varric this time instead of Merrill, but Bella said no, and I couldn't find Varric this morning.”
“Ah, I thought you may have been trying to torture me.” Me Fenris had replied. His voice sounded flat and serious, but Anders noticed a small quirk of his mouth. Was he smiling? Was he making a joke? Hawke simply shrugged in response.
Hawke had finally gathered up enough coin for the deep roads expedition, but she was jittery and nervous, she wanted this expedition to go well so she could buy back her mothers childhood home for her. Anders was in awe of her, doing so much for her family, as well as the mages in Kirkwall. She'd found Anders every time something to do with mages came up, when they'd helped a boy flee to the Dalish, and helped a group of apostates flee the templars. It's probably a good thing Varric was there to help lie to the templars. Fenris would get angry and moody at her every time she defended a mage, however her second favorite past time seemed to be slaughtering slavers, which seemed to help. As the last jobs she could possibly do seemed to be running out in Kirkwall she finally approached Bartrand about being partners on his expedition.
There'd been a fight between the Hawke siblings preparing for the expedition, in the end Hawke chose not to take her brother Carver, believing him safer in Kirkwall. In the end Hawk took Fenris, and Anders down to the deep roads with her and Varric. Anders really hadn't wanted to go, but he also hadn't wanted to let Hawke go down there without a proper healer.
He remembered why he hated the deep roads so badly. It was damp, it stank, and it was full of darkspawn. Wave after wave. In one fight he thought they might be overwhelmed, that maybe they were not enough. In the end they'd one the fight, but Hawke had ended the battle violently concentrating all her magic into one large wall of fire burning through the enemies. It had however exhausted her and she lay unconscious on the ground.
Anders, Varric, and Fenris all rushed to her.
“Heal her mage!” Fenris shouted lyrium brands glowing threateningly.
“I know!” He'd replied voice shaking, he was trying to clean her cuts before healing each wound. “We have to keep her wounds clean, I don't want her to catch the blight down here. How did we let the darkspawn get so close to her? You both need to clear any blight off your skin and clean your wounds as well. I'm immune, but you could die, check my pack, there's medical supplies to prevent infection and-.”
“Way ahead of you blondie.” Varric cut him off, I didn't get any serious injuries. I'll be fine, you might want to take a look at broody the elf though. He was in the thick of it and he's got plenty of his own blood on the outside.“
Anders finished healing Hawke who lay still on the ground and stood.
“Do not touch me mage. I will not have you use magic on me.” Fenris growled.
Anders responded, speaking slowly, keeping his tone as calm as possible, like talking to a frightened animal. “Fenris, you trusted me to heal Hawke. I'm not just going to let you be tainted and die down here. It's just a simple healing spell. Please let me help.”
“You did not heal her, she is still unconscious!” Fenris accused.
Anders took a calming breath trying to keep his tone even. Sometimes talking to Fenris felt like talking to a mix of stubborn toddler and rabid dog. “She's unconscious because using that much magic exhausted her. But she is healed, she is whole, and she will wake. I don't want her to wake to you dying of blight or a blood infection. Can you not simply be pragmatic about this for one blighted second?” Despite his attempt at calm, his voice started to rise.
Fenris growled but didn't offer any other verbal response.
Varric stepped in after a while. “Ok elf, I know you don't trust blondie, but me and Hawke are your friends right? How about a compromise. You stop standing there waiting for Anders to murder you and you let us help clean you up? There's no way you can reach all those open wounds yourself. Blondie won't use magic, but you might need stitches and that has to be him. Surely you don't want to get darkspawn blood in them? Then if anything still needs healing when Hawke wakes up, she can do it.”
“Fine.” Fenris assented, letting Anders fuss over his wounds. “You do not like me mage, and you know I am not fond of you. Why do you insist on this?”
“I don't know.” Anders sighs frustrated. “At least partly because Hawke would miss you, and I suppose partly because I'm a healer and since we fight together, when you're injured my mind sees you as a patient rather than how i normally see you.”
“And how do you normally see me?”
“As a blighted mage hating twat, that i don't trust to not turn Hawke, Merrill and I over to the circle.” Anders sounded angry, but Fenris noticed he was being gentle while sanitizing his wounds.
“I would not turn you over to the circle, not Hawke, not you, not the witch. Hawke trusts me, and I owe her a great deal.” Fenris stated.
“Maybe, but you don't owe me or Merrill anything. You're going against your own general moral code about a blood mage and abomination because you owe her?” He asks.
“That, and she trusts me, and Varric is correct, she is my friend.” Fenris says the last part very softly.
“Hey, I said I was your friend too broody!” Varric laughs.
Fenris looks at Varric who has not at all actually been helping. “I suppose, but you'd be a better friend if the mage was touching me less.”
“Hey hey, I'm just here as a lookout, promised to make sure he didn't use any magic. He's the one that actually knows anything about darkspawn blood and keeping cuts clean.” Varric waves him off calmly.
“Well, good news.” Anders interrupts “I actually don't think you need stitches. I can just bandage most of these and you likely won't bleed out as long as we don't get in anymore fights before Hawke wakes up.”
Fenris looks at Anders in thought for several moments before speaking. “Mage. You were correct earlier, I am not being pragmatic. It would not do to demand healing from Hawke the moment she wakes up after she's already done so much to keep us alive. If you will, you may use magic to heal me.”
Anders laughed, an angry sarcastic thing. “May I, why thank you ever so much for letting me do this for you.” he rolled his eyes in frustration before starting to cast his healing magic. He tried as much as he could to temper it, he remembered the few times Hawke healed Fenris it had looked quite painful. No matter how annoying a patient was, he wasn't going to cause them harm on purpose. The lyrium brands glowed in response to his magic, and Anders was also careful not to accidentally draw any of the power for his magic from them. He imagined that probably hurt as well. He could feel Justice in the back of his mind, not in words but a tingling nostalgia in response to the lyrium. “Done, it wasn't so terrible was it?”
“I-” Fenris paused “Thank you m-.” He paused again. “Thank you Anders, I am healed.”
__________
Despite nearly dying down there, and being betrayed by Varric’s brother Bartrand, they'd managed to make it back with Hawke a much wealthier woman.
He thought things might change, might be different after Hawke moved up in the world. But she still visited everyone, asked them about jobs, if they needed help, dragged them around Kirkwall for whatever she fancied to do herself. Still forced them all together at the hanged man to play Wicked grace under the guise of friendship. Well, except Carver. There had been a huge fight when Hawke had returned home. Carver had joined the templars, and Hawke took it like a punch to the gut. But except for cold shouldering her brother after, she treated everyone the same. Genuinely over affectionate, sometimes slipping into inappropriate sarcasm, with little to no filter.
She flirted less and less with Anders, and Fenris, and everyone else, as her flirting with Isabella became more serious. He wondered if Isabella realized, if she cared? If he could do better in her place? He realized he was jealous and it was making him think ugly thoughts about Isabella. He needed to stop, as frustrating as she was, he loved her. They were friends. All of them were friends save him, Merril, and Fenris…. Oh and Sebastian, who after Hawke had found the people who'd ordered his family's deaths he'd actually started coming on jobs with them, no one really liked him though, he didn't count.
Fenris actually came to Anders when he needed healing now. Anders was incredibly surprised the first time it happened. To be fair he had a spear through his shoulder, pinned by one of the grey horned men on the wounded coast. He'd shouted “Mage, I'm in need of healing!” And Anders had reflexively directed his magic towards him, his brain caught up, and he did try to be as careful as he could about the lyrium tattoos and the pain while at a distance and still in the midst of battle. Then Fenris had forced himself back up and cut right through the rest of the Tal vashoth.
“Apparently were match makers now!” Isabella giggled into Fenris’ ear, On their next wicked grace night, like she thought she was whispering, it was however loud enough everyone in the hanged man heard.
“What are you talking about?” Anders had asked.
“Shut up whore” Aveline had replied, directing the insult at Isabella.
Merril lit up excitedly. “Oh you weren't there, has no one told you? Aveline and Donnic, they're just so cute together!”
Isabella laugh. “That's right, lady man hands can't flirt to save her life, so Me Hawke and Merrill had to step in and save her! I'm going to teach their kids swear words!” She cheered and kissed Hawke, who laughed with her. “Who's next? You two kiss!” She shouted pointing haphazardly to Fenris and then Merrill.
Merrill simply giggled and shook her head.
Fenris did not like that suggestion, “I'd sooner kiss Anders than the witch.” Fenris spit, glaring at Isabella.
For some reason that struck Anders as funny, he started to laugh. “I bet Isabella would pay good coin to see that.”
Varric, chuckled as well. “Or make Hawke pay good coin for her to see it.”
Fenris straightened his back, sitting up to look more threatening and glared at Isabella. Just causing everyone to laugh more.
“Ooooh, come on sweet thing. Hawke will give you five sovereigns if you kiss Anders?” She laughed into her ale.
Hawke looked at her. “Why will I give five sovereigns, it's your idea?”
“Six!” Isabella shouted over her. “Six sovereigns to kiss the mage!”
“I don't think he'd kiss me for all the gold in Thedas, and his ex masters head on a pike, but do keep trying Isabella.” Anders had stopped laughing, but you could still hear the amusement in his tone.
Fenris shifted slightly in his seat, leaned over and lightly pecked the corner of Anders mouth, turned back around and held his hand out towards Hawke. “Pay your woman's debts.”
Isabella cackled as Hawke handed over the money.
“Here mage.” Fenris forced three of the six sovereigns into Anders’ hands, before getting up and walking out of the hanged man.
“Ooh, something you're not telling us Anders?” Hawke asked, her tone suggestive.
“What? No! I wasn't expecting that any more than you were.” Anders sounded genuinely confused.
__________
The viscount had asked Hawke to play diplomat with the Qunari and it was going terribly. They'd gone to see the Arishok and Isabella had run off, Fenris for some reason knew their language, and Hawke had been tasked with finding an idiot dwarf before he accidentally spread poison everywhere. By the time they figured out the dwarf was a diversion, and religious fanatics were trying to start a holy war an entire city block had poisoned gas flowing through the air. Of course Hawke the hero that she was, ran straight into it dragging them along. The whole thing had been a mess, and left Hawke feeling guilty for not stopping it sooner.
Of course on his own time in addition to running his clinic in Darktown, he spent time working to free mages from the gallows with the mage underground. During this, Anders had found some disturbing information. A templar was abusing his power, he heard it in rumors and whispers, but he also saw evidence of it in the gallows. More and more tranquil every day. He needed help, and so he asked Hawke.
“Please, I see more tranquil every day, selling their bloody wares. These are good mages, mages I know passed their Harrowing.” Anders had begged.
Hawke was skeptical, but always willing to help her friends. “Isn't it against chantry law to make a mage that passed their Harrowing tranquil unless they're doing blood magic or something?”
In the end she'd agreed, she'd known she was going to, and Anders had very little doubt she would. She'd dragged Varric out of the hanged man, and stopped by Hightown to grab Fenris. And off they went into the sewers.
“Why are you bringing me along on the mages' insane conspiracy?” Fenris glared.
“We need someone to protect us if we really run into templars. I love Aveline, and I know you don't like mages and don't like fighting Templars, but it puts her actual job at risk. Bella would protect me, but we need someone with muscle, you know a real front line fighter.” She'd smiled and made fake sword swinging motions as she said it.
Varric spoke up. “Sorry broody, we're on mage guard duty today. I'm surprised you're surprised. Besides Isabella, I'm pretty sure You, me and Blondie are Hawke's favorites.”
“That's not true! I don't have favorites! I love all my friends equally.” She protested.
Varric looked at her skeptically. “Even choir boy?”
Hawke sighed. “Sebastian is my friend, and I love him. Just sometimes I would also love to shove his head underwater down at the harbor until he stops talking about Andraste, or telling me that this is all part of the maker's plan.”
Everyone slowed steps quieting as they heard voices up ahead. “Please Ser, I didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted to see my mother, they never told her where they were taking me.” a woman's voice, she sounded young and frightened.
“So you admit that you were trying to escape, naughty naughty, you know what happens to naughty mage girls.” A different voice, a man, clearly a templar by what he was saying.
They were close enough now they could see what was happening. There were a few templars surrounding them, there was a woman standing stock still with a brand on her forehead, a tranquil mage. The other woman who's voice they heard before dropped to her knees. “Please ser, don't make me tranquil! I'll do anything.” She begged.
“That's right,” the templar in front of her, Anders recognized him as ser Alrick, spoke, putting his hand on the back of the girls head. “Once you're tranquil you'll do whatever I want.”
Hawke stepped in. “That's funny, I thought the chantry frowned upon Templars who took personal advantage of their charges?”
“Who are you?” He asked not long after it devolved into a fight, Justice had come out full force, glowing cracks forming on Anders skin, he slaughtered every templar there. Once the fight was over Justice was still there, looking around for more templars.
Hawke tried to calm him. “Anders, Justice calm down, the templars are dead. It's safe! You can stop glowing.”
“I will have every last templar for these abuses!” Justice continued shouting, pacing, he'd gotten too close to the mages, the tranquil woman Who Fenris and Hawke looked at worried was heavily pregnant, she looked confused like she'd just woken up. Hawke wondered if it was the same as with Karl, she was temporarily fixed because Justice was out.
The other mage, the one who'd spoken before screamed. She cowered from Anders. “Stay away from me demon!”
Justice turned towards her. “I am no demon. Are you one of them that you would call me such?” He moved to attack her.
“Anders No!” Hawke shouted. “She's a mage, she's one of the people you're trying to help, we just saved her. Don't turn on her now!” Justice didn't waver.
Suddenly Fenris was in between the mage girl and Justice. “Abomination, do not make me cut you down.”
Justice stumbled back and the glow flickered and disappeared from Anders’ body. His hands and body jerked as if fighting himself for a few minutes before he stilled and looked up, the girl had fled, the other woman stood there still confused, Fenris standing in a defensive position. Anders face was stricken with horror. “Oh god, what have I done?” He stood shaky, and when Fenris didn't kill him, he fled the underground.
“Well shit, what do we do now?” Hawke looked in the direction the mage fled, and back to the tranquil woman, she still seemed to have her senses for now. “I'm sorry, but… do you know what's happening?” She'd taken the woman's hand gently.
“I… That girl was fleeing the circle. She'd taken me with her, she thought maybe she could get me somewhere else. She saw that I was pregnant and… didn't want to leave me with the templars. She wanted to go home and see her mom.” The woman trailed off looking down. “I won't stay like this will I? I can already feel my mind fading.”
“I'm so sorry, do you know… the baby, the father, is it?” Hawke clearly didn't want to ask, though the answer was obvious.
“I don't know, a templar, one of them I-I.”
Fenris looked at her dulling eyes, mage or not, no one deserved this. “Tell us which ones touched you, all their names and we will end them.”
The woman's eyes widened terrified, and she shook her head. “My baby, please! I don't have any family, please don't let the circle take my baby! Please take care of my baby!” She lurched forward crying hysterical, and wrapped her arms around Fenris, clinging tightly to him, his spikey armor cutting into her arms. Fenris tensed, looking at Hawke wide eyed, and bewildered, before the woman’s grip relaxed, and she stepped back face blank.
“What the fuck was that? What are we going to do with her? What do we do now?” Hawke angrily kicked Ser Alrick’s corpse before rifling through his belongings. “I think these papers were what we down here to find at least.” She angrily stomped down on Alrick's face one last time, caving in his skull, making it an unrecognizable bloody mess. They stomped back up to Darktown, tranquil in tow. Until they found the mage girl they'd saved.
“Thank you for saving me, what was that back there?” She questioned, her voice trembling.
Hawke looked so tired for a moment Fenris was worried about her. She took a deep breath and answered. He's not a demon, just a deeply troubled man.” She smiled sad but fond. “Listen, you can go see your mother, but you can't stay there. You need to flee Kirkwall.”
The girl nodded. “I know, I'll go say my goodbyes. Thank you so much.” And then she was gone. Leaving them with the eerily quiet tranquil woman.
Fenris looked at the woman who had sobbed hysterically and begged him, a stranger, to take her child, rather than give it to the circle she came from. He was deeply unnerved by her stare. Was this better, he wondered, than death. Was it better than slavery? He had made no vow to this woman, it was not feasible for him to take in a child. Perhaps she had been wronged by the circle after being made tranquil, but she had still potentially done something in the first place to be made tranquil. Guilt ate him up at that thought. Was this not what it was like when he was a slave, no free will, no thoughts of his own? No one deserved this. Unlike a slave, unable for even the potential to gain her own will back. Death would be preferable.
“Hey, cheer up elf. You saved a life, you're a hero.” Varric tried to smile at him, but it didn't reach his eyes.
“Alright, there's still the question of what the hell do we do with her? She said she has no family, and she definitely can't take care of a kid like that, I don't think. Varric?”
Fenris looked her in the eyes. “I will take the child, she asked me.”
Hawke's jaw dropped dramatically, Fenris was almost sure it was an intentional exaggeration on her part. “You don't know how to take care of a baby! You know it's probably going to be a mage, right? You can't take care of a mage baby! What is happening? Varric?”
“Kids have been taken care of in worse conditions in this city, I don't think Fenris would hurt a kid, mage or not. If he promises to finally clean out the corpses, I say let him keep the kid.” Varric shrugs. “Sorry, I've got nothing else. This is a hell of a situation.”
Hawke clutched violently at her hair before responding. “Let's pretend for a second that that's a good idea, what do we do with the mother?”
“Maybe she can help in blondie’s clinic? Anders is the only one of us that knows how to deliver a baby, right? Makes sense for her to stay there.” Varric said this easily, like it was the simplest fact in the world, and his being so calm was making her feel crazy.
“Pretty sure Anders had a little breakdown just now, who's going to let him in on this new plan?” She was laughing, it was not a happy or healthy laugh, and she couldn't stop.
“I will speak to Anders, I will also deliver sir Alrick's papers to him if you do not wish to deal with it.” He'd taken the documents from her, and she was too stunned to argue. She stood and stared as Fenris walked away towards Anders clinic gently tugging the tranquil woman along.
“Trash, trash, trash, keep.” Anders was muttering to himself, moving things about. Fenris wasn't entirely sure what was happening. Anders was clearly panicking, maybe intended to run?
Fenris cleared his throat before speaking, trying not to startle Anders. “Mage.” He paused unsure of how to start “I would have a moment of your time.”
Anders looked up at him slowly. “Have you come to kill me then? The dangerous abomination, you were right. How does it feel to be vindicated?” His eyes briefly moved to the woman with Fenris, and his face darkened. “Or did you come to mock me, threaten about how I'm next to be made tranquil. I'm so glad the suffering of people like me could entertain you so.”
“Neither. Hawke asked me to give you these documents, we found them on Ser Alrick's body. And I would ask a favor of you.” Fenris held out the papers.
Anders snatched them, like he thought Fenris might change his mind and keep them from him. “Let me see those.” He read his face growing less somber. “The divine rejected the idea to make all the mages in the circle tranquil, knight commander Meredith rejected the idea… this was not what I expected. Maybe there's hope. Maybe the situation isn't so dire. I thank you for bringing me this. What did you want to ask me?”
Fenris hesitated, he didn't know how to word what he wanted to say. He didn't know what to ask. He didn't actually want to make Anders care for this woman, who's unfeeling stare would likely remind him of a fate he himself could have easily suffered. But he was really the only option. “We are not sure what to do with the tranquil woman after she gives birth, and we understand that she will not be fit to care for a child in this state. Hawke doesn't wish to give her back to the circle.” He hesitated to say more. He needed to explain, but he wasn't even sure what he was saying. They hadn't decided this, he had because of some horrid sense of guilt and obligation he felt watching that woman’s sense of self drain away, and Varric and simply convinced Hawke to agree to take some of the stress of decision making off of her.
“Maybe the next time there are apostates fleeing Kirkwall, I can convince some of them to take her and the child with them. We are not giving them back to the circle, and we're not giving the baby to the circle after it's born either.” Ander glares expecting an argument for the second half of that statement.
“No!” Fenris’ shout is loud in the relative silence of Anders clinic, before he continues again quieter. “No, I told her when. I mean, she came back to herself for some reason, in the tunnels.”
Anders flinched looking guilty. “That was probably because of Justice. Because I couldn't control him.”
Fenris continued. “She asked me to protect the child, so I shall. It will stay with me.”
Anders was looking at him like he'd lost his mind, and when he speaks it's so panicked the words are tripping over themselves. “Do you know how to take care of a baby? Do you know how to make a replacement for milk if their mother can't breast feed? What are we going to do with the child's mother until they're born, what about after? Your mansion is full of rotting corpses. You're just going to give them to the circle if they start developing magic.”
“I won't!” Fenris shouts interrupting. “She was. She asked. She- I-.” He paused to articulate his thoughts. “I will not let the circle of magi have this child. I will not let any harm come to them. You know these things, about children, you can teach me what to do.”
Anders laughed. “I don't know how to raise a child. I know how to heal them, I can make a suitable baby formula with the right ingredients, but Fenris, raising a child is difficult. I've most certainly never done that before. And what about her?” He pointed at the tranquil woman. “What do we do with her?”
“We thought maybe she could stay here with you until she has the baby. I am uncertain what the correct thing to do after that would be. You killed your lover because he asked you too, she made no such request, she simply asked that her child not go to the circle.”
“I killed- did Hawke tell you that?” He sounded angry. “She didn't have any right to share that information!”
Fenris looked surprised. “I was not aware this was a secret, you've talked about your friend made tranquil on your own before in your arguments with both me and Sebastian. Were we not supposed to know?”
“My friend not- you didn't need to know the details, you didn't need to know that I had to be the one to kill him, you didn't need to know we were, that he was my.” Anders stopped clearly not wanting to revisit this subject and those dark memories in the moment.
“I did not intend to bring it up to hold over your head mage. I simply wish to discuss what to about the current situation. Perhaps after she delivers the child we could send her somewhere safer,.” Looking back Fenris realized that no, Anders had never mentioned in front of him that he and Karl had been lovers. Isabella or Hawke must have mentioned it at some point, and at the time Fenris hadn't cared to think any more on it. “Or perhaps she could continue helping in your clinic, I understand that tranquil are hard workers and follow orders well.” He realized how what he said sounded exactly like slave labor, but he couldn't see another alternative for someone like her aside from death.
“So you just want to leave her here for me to take care of, so I'll hopefully be around when she goes into labor? That's lovely, this is just what I needed in my life. And you, you trust me, not to kill her?” He was clearly upset.
“She is a victim of the Templars, I know you will not harm her, you didn't harm the girl, Hawke let her go free to flee Kirkwall.” Fenris kept his face neutral, he didn't like that Hawke let all these apostates roam free, they were dangerous, but he could certainly not fault her for feeling pity for the girl, and after all what was he doing himself, what was he thinking?
“She's only alive because you and Hawke stopped me. I would have killed her. I lost control.” Anders looked stricken admitting this.
“You will not harm this woman or the child. Because if you do I will end you. Varric has said a stipulation of me keeping the child is that I clean the mansion and get rid of the bodies. You do not need to worry about that.”
Anders still looked at him like he was mad. “Alright, she stays here until she has the baby, and barring some miracle cure for tranquility, we'll find someone safe for her to stay with outside of Kirkwall after. I still don't really trust you with a child, especially not one that's almost certainly going to end up having magic. Do you even know how to hold an infant? You'll need a crib, a baby shouldn't sleep on the floor or a bed. You're going to let me come over and show you how to feed her. Can you change a diaper? I'm going to help you clean and disinfect your home, it's absolutely disgusting.” Anders prattled and they argued a bit, but as Fenris had no actual idea what he was doing regarding child care, he agreed to let Anders come and help clean, and agreed to let him come and make sure he wasn't going to accidentally kill the child with poor hygiene or rough handling.
__________
As it turned out, they didn't need to figure out anything to do with her. Something went wrong during the birth and she'd bled out, and all they had to do was burn her body. To the absolute horror of pretty much all of her friends Hawke had seemed relieved.
“At least it's one less complication to deal with.” She'd joked, but it wasn't really a joke, the relief on her face was obvious.
Anders on the other hand was distraught. He'd worked so hard to keep her healthy, to make up for the lack of prenatal care she'd received in the circle. How had she gotten so far along without anyone acknowledging how heavily pregnant she was? He couldn't just weep for her forever, be didn't even really know her. He'd considered going to Hawke for comfort, she was his friend, but what she'd said unsettled him. He'd cleaned everything up, and showed Fenris how to properly hold and feed the baby. She was a little girl, and Fenris had been in awe holding her. She was bundled in a blanket so his armor that he refused to remove wouldn't poke her.
“I assume you take that off at some point the metal parts at least when you're in your home? It's important for babies to feel actual skin to skin contact. Anders had made sure she was healthy enough to leave his medical supervision safely, giving some more instruction and advice, as well as provisions for her to eat and stay clean, before sending Fenris home with her unsupervised, because he just didn't have the emotional upkeep to deal with anything in the moment. He'd lost a patient, he'd failed a child and her mother, he'd nearly killed a girl. He was so tired, he was so bone deep exhausted, and he still had to tend to other patients in his clinic. He could feel Justice burn in the back of his mind, that woman's death was on the Templar's hands, and they would see Justice.
Anders before night fell went to Fenris’ home to make sure the baby was alive, and to see how Fenris was doing. They had managed to make the place almost livable, it didn't smell of corpses or wine. There were no more holes in the walls. The furniture had been replaced, either by stolen furniture, or maybe Hawke bought it for him. Anders didn't ask.
What he did ask, upon seeing Fenris sans armor, rocking the baby gently as she stared out at them with tiny eyes was. “Are you going to give her a name, or is she just going to be, the baby?”
Fenris laughed. “I asked Hawke and her friends for suggestions while they were here earlier giving me things. They were all terrible. Isabella suggested we name her Hawke the second or baby Hawke oh or Hawke Junior, and I think she was serious. I don't really have any ideas, but I am certainly not naming her after Hawke, or Merrill. I am unsure, what if she doesn't like the name she is given?”
“Andraste’s tits, who suggested you name her after Merrill? And why did they think you'd even consider it? I'm sure she'll be fine with whatever name she's given. What are you going to do about her last name, you can't exactly give her yours. I don't think you even have one?” Anders looked bemused at the thought, and then looked down at the baby who just gurgled up at them happily. She looked so small, little patches of hair starting to grow on her head. red like her mothers. He wondered briefly if it would stay that color, most of the red head children he knew ended up blond in the end.
“Merrill suggested Daisy, I am not giving the girl Varric’s nick name for Merrill. I suppose I've survived thus far without a last name, as have many people in Kirkwall. I hadn't thought about it. What's your last name?” Fenris rocked her affectionately as he addressed Anders. He was so attached to this child, the thought of her being harmed caused him physical pain. He wondered if it was simply because she was cute, if he'd feel this way about any infant. Or perhaps because of how he'd seen her mother lose herself. Perhaps it was simply because he'd taken responsibility for her.
“Don't have one anymore. Anders wasn't even the name my parents gave me. I refused to tell anyone my name in the circle, and they started calling me that because I'm from the Anderfels.” his eyes looked glossy and nostalgic speaking about this.
“Oh, It is inadequate, but I am sorry for all that you've lost.” Fenris said softly.
“You don't mean that. You still think mages belong in circles, don't you?”
“My feelings on this matter are… complicated. I do not believe the circle here is just, templars should not be able to abuse their authority so. However, mages are dangerous. It is not safe that they should simply walk among us with no oversight.” Fenris tried to explain, though he knew it would yield no positive results. It would more than likely end in a fight.
“How can you say that with everything you've seen! Are you going to be her oversight then? Will you kill her if something goes wrong with her magic?” Anders was angry, prodding for a reaction.
“No!” Fenris shouted, then repeated himself more calmly before continuing. “No. Nothing bad is to happen to her.” Fenris held her tighter, defensively. She didn't seem to mind, made no noises of dissent, just the same little nonsense noises she'd been making. “You will teach her to control her magic if it manifests.”
“Me, what do you mean, me?” Anders was genuinely incredulous. “What about Hawke, surely you trust her more than me.”
Fenris shook his head. “She does not want this responsibility, besides Hawke is a terrible teacher.”
“What makes you say that? What makes you think I'd be a better teacher?” Anders was genuinely curious.
“Hawke attempted to teach me to read, it went poorly. Varric has been attempting to help since, but I know for certain you have the patience to teach. You must if you have the patience to be a healer. If you have the patience to deal with myself as a patient. You're the first mage that hasn't caused pain when healing me. Besides, I know you will not simply abandon her to my care alone. Especially since she's likely to be a mage.” Fenris had admitted a lot in that small confession.
Anders sighed. “That's a lot you want me to do for this girl that you took responsibility for.”
Fenris looked down before responding. “But you will help me?”
Anders nodded. “I will help for reasons you've obviously pointed out, but i still don't understand. You can want her to be free, and Hawke to be free, but not the rest of us?”
Fenris stared for a second. “I have seen horrors, I have seen so many people lost and enslaved to blood magic. And I know that you are not like that, but I am afraid. I can not change that in myself. Please let this line of questioning go. I do not wish to fight with you now.”
Anders agreed, looking tired. “All right, so can I suggest one?” trying to lighten his tone. He wasn't going to have a screaming match in front of an infant.
“Suggest one what?” Fenris asked confused.
“A name, can I suggest a name for her? I've always thought Loretta was a pretty name.” Anders smiled, the change in subject a way out of the tension.
Fenris looked skeptical. “Mage, if I give her this name, will I be naming her after a cat?”
Anders smiled. “But she was such a sweet cat. A woman had let me spend a few weeks hiding from templars in her barn during one of my escapes from the circle in Fereldan. Loretta kept pests out of the barn, and she'd come cuddle with me at night.”
“I do not share your fascination with cats, but at least we'll have something to call her, what do you think Loretta?” Fenris addressed the last bit to the child who looked perfectly content, and like she hadn't heard at all. Little eyes squinting.
“Really, you're taking my suggestion?” Anders smiled warmly, and it made Fenris’ face warm for some reason. “You know, I could finish teaching you?”
“Teaching me?” Fenris repeated back confused.
“Teaching you to read. I'm already going to be here teaching you basic child care, and making sure the space is livable. I'll bring some books, we can figure out where you're at, and I'll help.” Anders smiled.
Fenris nodded in response. “Thank you Anders. May I ask more questions about Loretta?”
“Of course, that's why I'm here, do you need me to stay tonight, she's probably going to wake you up. Is that going to be a problem? I know some people who've been through trauma don't handle sudden noises at night well. Babies don't sleep through the night, you can't simply ignore them when they're crying, it could be important.”
Fenris spoke quickly trying to ask multiple things at once. “No, I'm aware that she will affect my sleep schedule, she is in no danger from me. I just. She does not make much noise. Should she be crying more, should she be crying less? I don't know if I've done something. These noises she does make are clearly involuntary on her part. Are her eyes supposed to be shut like this, what do I do if-”
“Calm down I understand we're both worried. All babies are different, but she's acting normal. There's nothing wrong with her eyes or brain development thus far. She's too little to try and talk on purpose, and lots of newborns don't open their eyes very wide for a while. If she needs something, even if it's just attention I'm sure she'll cry for it. You can worry if she really doesn't cry all day. Otherwise just regularly check if she needs changes, or to be fed every few hours, you do have to check for things like that, even if she isn't crying about it. If she isn't doing those things, not eating, not sleeping, not pooping, bring her to me, something is wrong.” Anders held out his arms and took Loretta from Fenris. They spent the day with him explaining, occasionally when she actually needed something showing Fenris how to do things for her. Anders attempting to babyproof the house a bit more.
At some point she fell asleep, and they'd cleaned and cleared as much was going to get done that day. Anders did stay the night, just to see how Fenris handled it, and as everything went smoothly he left early in the morning to go open his clinic.
__________
Of course Fenris still had other things to do, he also still got dragged around with Hawke, and Anders who Fenris would prefer watch her had to run his clinic, so occasionally their other so called friends had to be trusted to care for her. Fenris had growled like a feral animal the first time Merrill had attempted to hold her.
“Calm down Fenris. You know Daisy isn't going to hurt her, she's harmless.” Varric would of course always defend Merrill.
To Fenris’ surprise though Anders had agreed. “She's not going to hurt Loretta, and we need someone to watch her, Isabella will be with us. And if we leave her with Varric he's going to take her back to the hanged man.”
“Hey, the hanged man is perfectly safe.” Varric defended. “You know, you could ask Aveline or Sebastian?”
Anders shook his head. “I trust Aveline not to give her to the circle, but she has a real job, and I'd sooner eat glass than leave her with Sebastian.”
“Fine, we can leave her with dangerous blood mage, while we help this foolish mage boy with his dangerous dream powers. I can not wait.” Fenris deadpanned.
“Oh, thank you. She's just so small and cute. You and Anders are such good parents.” Merrill smiled taking the baby.
Anders looked at her like she was mad. “We're not… Fenris is. Don't call us that!”
Fenris interrupted. “I am leaving her with you, if anything happens to her in your care, I will end your life. Now let us be off, we must meet up with Hawke and Isabella.
They'd gone into the fade with Hawke later, trying to save the elf blooded boy from becoming a monster. Isabella and Fenris both fell for the temptations of demons. Anders wondered if he might have as well if Justice wasn't there to keep them out. Once it was all over, the boy Fenryiel had mastered his powers and fled to Tevinter. Isabella and Fenris had slunk off to their respective living quarters embarrassed.
Anders had been the one to get Loretta from Merrill, and he had taken her back to Fenris’ mansion in Hightown. “Fenris?” He'd questioned quietly as he'd stepped into the main living area. Fenris was laying sideways in a small chair drinking directly from a bottle of wine.
“Mage.” He'd responded looking at Anders.
“Fenris, how much have you drunk?” He questioned. “I can't leave her alone with you like this.”
Fenris glanced at the two of them again, glassy eyed. From tears, not drink. He stood setting down the bottle and strode to them wrapping his arms around them in an awkward hug. “Then do not leave mage.”
Anders sighed and unwrapped himself from Fenris’ arms. He went and put Loretta down in her crib, she was already asleep, none of that interaction having disturbed her in the slightest. Before coming back to see that Fenris hadn't moved. He'd stood in the exact same spot Anders had left him in. “Fenris, I know you aren't that drunk, is something wrong?”
“I am a fool, I am dangerous. I thought myself better than that, but i gave in easily to the temptations of demons, simply for power.” he stood still not moving, so Anders guided him to one of the couches that now sat in the living space.
“Well, it's a good thing you're not a mage then.” Anders shrugged. “You can't be possessed.”
“Do I have such a lust for power? Am I such a hypocrite?” Fenris wondered aloud.
Anders glanced at him. He looked tired. “You want to be safe, you want to be able to protect yourself. That's not a crime.”
“It is if it puts the people I'm meant to care for in danger.” Fenris slumped on the couch, falling into Anders' side, then simply leaning into him. “Do not leave mage.”
“Of course I'll stay the night if you need.” He affirmed.
But Fenris who's face was pressed into Anders' side at this point shook his head. “Stay with me mage, do not leave.” Anders didn't respond, not understanding. There was a long silence before Fenris continued. “I will get you a cat, then you can stop putting milk out for the imaginary ones in Darktown.”
Anders eyebrows raised in confusion. “Are you asking me to come live with you?”
“I can protect you here, I would feel much better if you were here rather than your rat infested clinic in dark town at night.” He mumbled into Anders' side, not moving.
Anders lightly shoved Fenris, so that he was sitting up facing him, before replying. “You, you're going to protect me from the Templars?”
“You and Loretta.” He nodded in reply. I will have no harm come to you.
“You are so many things I hate, you believe so many things I should hate you for.” Anders leaned forward and kissed Fenris gently. “But I think I'm in love with you.”
Fenris kissed back, leaning again into Anders. When they parted he spoke. “I do not know that I can tell you I love you, but I will let no harm come to you. I swear it”
“We have to be careful about getting a cat. Sometimes they suffocate babies trying to be affectionate.” Anders changed the subject not wanting to dwell on the direction of their feelings or the ache those words left in him.
“So like us then, dangerous to those we care for.” Fenris chuckled sadly and gripped Anders tight. “Stay with me mage, in my bed or in a guest room, but do not leave.”
They'd set up a guest room for Anders, but he was slept in Fenris’ bed anyway. They hadn't slept together, simply slept in the same bed. Anders wasn't going to push that. He was surprised Fenris let him that physically close at all. He assumed there was trauma around it, it's not as if he didn't have enough of his own.
__________
True to his word, Fenris had hunted him down a cat. Not that there were none in Kirkwall, but Fenris had been determined to find him one in darktown. Fenris knew Anders liked to take care of people, and animals, and so he found a cat that hadn't been scared off or eaten by refugees, one that might actually need help, and brought it to Anders clinic, to make sure it wasn't diseased. And then he'd brought it home. It wasn't aggressive, but it was skittish at first. It warmed up quickly upon being repeatedly given food. And it did as Anders assumed, like to sleep near Loretta. Fenris was careful to make sure it never interfered with her breathing, and that it kept it's pointy little claws off her, but she seemed to rather like it.
To Fenris’ amusement, Anders took Isabella’s name suggestion for their daughter and gave it to the cat. So it was, that he was putting out little strips of meat and fish, and water every day for Hawke Junior. She was a tiny black cat, missing the corner of one ear, and missing an eye. Anders thought she was the most beautiful thing in the world. It made Fenris smile.
Maybe a month later Hawke had asked them to help her gather materials to sell to some merchant in the gallows. They'd left Loretta with Isabella and trekked out with Hawke. Anders fell behind on the hike. “Back away from the slave now!” was all he heard of the conversation as he caught up with everyone else. It hadn’t been long after the incident with the Qunari, they'd been a bit farther from the city than usual, and were apparently ambushed by slave hunters.
“Fenris is a free man!” Hawke had shouted back.
“I am not your slave!” Fenris had followed after, and a fight broke out.
Anders wasn't sure what he would call himself and Fenris, but Anders was just as happy as any reasonable person to kill slavers. Fenris fought ruthlessly, he always did, but it was somehow more intense than usual. He'd tortured and then killed some young man for information about a woman Hadriana, who'd been the apprentice of his former Master. And they'd set off to some caves with slave pens. They fought their way through demons, giant spiders, and more slave hunters. And stumbled upon some poor man, killed and bled for a ritual likely to give the woman they were after more power. Then they found a woman, a slave likely about to be sacrificed. Another battle killing the mages that would use her.
“Are you my master now?” This poor elven woman, had asked, large doe eyes wide and scared.
Fenris had recoiled in horror. “No!”
In the end Hawke had suggested this Elven woman Orana, go work for Hawke as a paid servant. The hurt look on Hawke's face when Fenris accused her of trying to keep Orana as a slave had genuinely made Anders want to throw a fireball at Fenris, but Hawke had easily accepted his apology. It made Anders feel better, about before with the tranquil woman, that she was willing to help this girl. She must have simply been overwhelmed before.
They'd saved Orana, sending her to Hawke’s estate, and caught up with Hadriana. Upon defeating her she'd pleaded for her life, bargaining for information about Fenris having a sister who was alive and free in Tevinter. Fenris had killed her anyway, shocking no one. He looked so emotionally drained in the aftermath, and for a few moments there was only silence.
“Does anyone need healing?” Anders eventually asked softly.
“If you touch me mage, I will rip your heart out as well.” Fenris growled, stepping away from Hardiana’s corpse.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Hawke tried approaching Fenris and lightly touching his arm.
“No I do not want to talk about it!” Fenris shouted as he recoiled, he'd never been one for physical touch. “This could be a trap, Denarius could have sent Hadriana here to tell me about this sister, and even if he didn't, trying to find her would be suicide! Denarius has to know and has to know that Hadriana knows, but all that matters is I finally got to crush that bitches heart! May she rot and all the other mages with her.”
Hawke flinched when Fenris spoke those words, and tried to respond. “Fenris, we're your friends, we're here for you.” She hovered her hand near his shoulder not quite touching him.
“No! I don't want you comforting me! What has magic touched that it doesn't spoil?” His demeanor dropped when he saw the hurt look on Hawke's face, he turned to look at Anders, who's expression was very intentionally blank. “I'm sorry, I need to go.” He turned and fled the holding caves.
Anders was admittedly afraid to go back to Fenris’ mansion, despite living there for a couple of months now. He'd looked so angry, and he wasn't sure it was safe. And he didn't particularly want to keep Loretta in his clinic in Darktown for the night, that was certainly not safe. So he'd asked Hawke for her and Isabella to keep Loretta at her estate for the night.
“Mother will be overjoyed!” Hawke had answered and run off to get them.
__________
Anders went back to his clinic and did his usual work for the day helping people before eventually deciding that he had to go back to Fenris’ home. If nothing else he had to see if Loretta was going to need to be moved to a new home permanently. That thought terrified him. He couldn't take care of a child on his own, in Darktown, he didn't have the resources. Would Hawke help him? Was Fenris going to kill him if he went back? He hadn't been genuinely frightened of Fenris in a long time. His chest hurt.
Once it was truly dark he closed his clinic, and set his way to Hightown. He entered the mansion and looked around. It was dark, Hawke junior was eating little scraps of shredded meat, so Fenris had fed her at least. He walked back to the bedroom to find Fenris just staring blankly at a bottle of wine.
“Fenris, are you alright?” He'd asked softly entering the room.
Fenris stood up immediately rushing towards Anders. He thought he was about to be attacked. He didn't have time to grab his staff from his back, so he just raised his hands defensively. And Fenris wrapped his arms around him in a loose hug.
“You came back? You are here?” He said it like a question. “I went to the hanged Man, Varric said Isabella still had Loretta, but he would not tell me where she was, Hawke will not answer her door for me.”
“Loretta is with Isabella and Hawke. I didn't tell them not to let you see her, I just asked if she could stay with them for the night.” He tentatively hugged Fenris back.
“You have my apologies for earlier. I took out my anger on you, that was undeserved. I would ask that you forgive me, but I would understand if you do not.” He finally let go of Anders to look at him.
“It's ok Fenris, you didn't hurt anything besides my feelings.” He forced a chuckle.
“It is not ok, I threatened you. And you did not come back here, you took Loretta because you thought me dangerous. I swear, I would not harm you.” Fenris grabbed Anders hands, squeezing them. “I know I have not shown that in my actions.”
“You know, you're touching me a lot more than usual. You punched Hawke the last time she hugged you.”
“I do not like people being too close. The first memories i can recall are getting these markings. The memory of the pain still lingers, I have a hard time handling physical touch. I feel different with you. I don't fear you touching me. I don't have any happy memories to compare it to, but I feel safe.” He squeezed Anders hands again.
“Fenris, I love you, but I'm not safe. You're right, I'm an abomination, I can only make your life harder, I'm a bad idea.” He pulled his hands from Fenris’ to cup his face and kissed his cheek. “You could do so much better than a dirty apostate being hunted by templars.” He moved his hands down Fenris' neck, sliding them to his shoulders, bare of his usual armor. “You would both be safer without me.” He leaned in and kissed him, just a brush of their lips. “But I love you, so much I want to stay with you.” His hands felt down Fenris’ sides settling on his hips,
“I am an escaped slave, running from a powerful magister. I could certainly do worse, and if you are not safe, I will keep you safe. I will not let any harm come to you.” He put his hands on Anders’ waist, and closed his eyes. Sighing into the feeling of Anders mouthing down his jaw, his neck, his shoulder. Less kissing than simply dragging his lips across his skin, it wasn’t hurried or intense. It didn't feel overly lustful. He felt warm. Everything felt slow and a bit hazy. He could feel Anders’ thumbs rubbing circles into his hips.
“I feel selfish, asking you to be with me considering everything I am. I am so broken. I don't think I can be fixed, I'll just ruin everything around me as well.” Anders confessed, before kissing Fenris again, more insistently.
Fenris didn't respond to what Anders said. He didn't know how, or have any words for it. He and Anders had both been broken long before they met each other. And whatever was broken inside, indeed likely couldn't be healed. So he simply kissed Anders back, moving his hands trying to find a way under Anders' coat, as the kisses along his neck turned into a tongue dragging along his throat.
Another kiss. “I love you.” Anders moaned it into his mouth like a prayer. And Fenris loved the feeling of it. He wished he could say it back.
“I would destroy anyone and anything that would attempt to do you harm.” He gave back instead.
At some point Anders realized what Fenris was trying to do with his hands, and opted to pull back, and start undressing. Fenris grabbed his hands and stared at him.
Anders looked confused. “I'm sorry, is this not what we're… do we need to stop? It's ok if we need to stop.”
Fenris shook his head before speaking. “No, I want to.” A pause. “To be with you, I simply.” He looked away embarrassed, but continued. “I have not done this before willingly as far as I remember, and I do not know what I am doing. I do not wish you to be disappointed with the experience, and I do not wish to make a fool of myself.”
“We can do whatever you want, Fenris. Nothing needs to happen that either of us doesn't want. If you don't like what's happening, tell me. But you do want this?” He questioned, helping Fenris get his clothes off.
“Yes” he breathed, running his hands up Anders’ stomach, and chest once the last of his clothing was off. “I want to touch you.” He wrapped his arms around Anders waist, pulling them together, and kissing him again deeper, tongues brushing together.
Anders moaned into the kiss before pushing lightly at him. “We should make the six foot or so walk to the bed before we continue, and you should probably finish getting undressed as well.”
Fenris nodded and walked backwards towards the bed, still holding on to Anders, who had started stripping off Fenris’ leather tunic. “Mage, I want you, I want.” He didn't finish the sentence, he kissed Anders hard, pulling him down on top of himself on the bed, kicking off his leather pants. This was lust, he could feel the heat between them, much more frenzied than earlier. His skin buzzed with anticipation.
Anders let Fenris pull him closer, running his hands over Fenris’ bare skin. “Maker's breath Fenris, you're so handsome. Why are you so beautiful?”
“The Lyrium.” Fenris started, before Anders shook his head and kissed him again.
“Not the lyrium, you, you're amazing. You're so beautiful, your eyes, your lips, your muscles. You're so much stronger than me. You could kill me, without the lyrium, without your sword, with your bare hands.” He ground their hips together and they both moaned.
“Why would you say that right now of all times, mage? I do not wish you dead.” He let go of Anders who continued grinding against him, while he lay back panting. His body felt ablaze, and he wanted so much. Anders was beautiful too, did he know? Did he know his eyes looked like honey, and his smile was the most breathtaking thing he'd ever seen? Anders took both of them in hand and stroked. “Anders, I- please!” Anders hand felt slick, and Fenris briefly wondered if he'd performed magic without him noticing, was he so distracted? Then with the feeling of Anders rutting against him, and his hand stroking them both speeding up numbing his mind, he decided he didn't care.
Anders was braced over Fenris with one arm, mouthing along his jaw, before whispering in his ear. “I said it because the idea that you can, that you're so much stronger than me, gets me incredibly hot.”
Apparently it did the same for Fenris, when Anders said it aloud like that, when Anders touched him like that. “Ah A-Anders, I-” He shuddered violently, spilling into Anders hand, and onto his own stomach. He lay there trying to catch his breath, and watched Anders continue to stroke himself. He reached up to grab Anders' hair, and pull him down for a kiss. Anders moaned into his mouth, and tensed, Fenris could feel Anders breathing speed up then slow drastically as his seed spilled onto Fenris' stomach as well.
Anders stroked himself a few moments longer, eyes squeezed shut, then collapsed onto his side breathing heavy, pressing himself against Fenris’ side, and his face into Fenris’ neck.
Fenris wanted to say something, but he was suddenly exhausted, he couldn't keep his eyes open. He turned to face Anders, draping an arm over him, and briefly thought to feel bad about getting him sticky before falling asleep. He'd had dreams, not coherent ones, flashes of a life that existed before Denarius. He saw a girl he thought might be his sister, a woman, was she his mother? He'd felt happy then in this dream, or these memories if that's what they were, and it hurt so much now.
He woke up eyes stinging, the urge to grab his armor and flee the city alone, overwhelming. He was in a different position from before. They'd been facing each other when he fell asleep, him holding Anders loosely. Now Anders was faced away, him pressed tightly against Anders’ back in a spooning position. He got out of bed and noticed that he was not sticky. Had Anders gotten up and cleaned them off? He was paralyzed with the urge to get away. What could he do? He couldn't actually flee, this was his home. He owed Hawke, he couldn't abandon Loretta, and he wasn't sure he could care for her by himself. He also didn't want to leave Anders. He couldn't kick Anders out, he'd invited him in the first place. They had a cat together….. They had a daughter! In his mind he again saw visions of himself and a small girl playing in a courtyard, laughing and smiling. He sat back down on the bed and wept.
Anders woke up, eventually for the lack of body heat, no longer keeping him warm and content. He saw Fenris at the edge of the bed, his frame shaking in the dark, and he held out his hand.
Before he thought better of it, Fenris grabbed the offered hand and squeezed.
“Are you going to be alright, love? Did something happen, did I hurt you?” Anders was looking at him worried.
“I.” Fenris took in a deep shuddering breath. “I do not know if I can do this.” He admitted.
“Do what?” Anders asked, sitting himself up beside Fenris. “Talk to me, please?”
“You did not harm me Anders, you were the most amazing thing I can possibly imagine.”
“But?” Anders prompted, setting a hand on Fenris’ shoulder, but removing it when he felt Fenris flinch.
“This is too much, this is too fast. I can not.” He took a deep breath.
“You don't have to, we can slow down. Is it?” Anders held his breath a moment, then spoke much quieter, almost fearful. “Do you want me to leave?”
Fenris turned to more fully look at him, to properly see his face. He'd promised he wouldn't let anything hurt Anders, and here he was, causing him pain. Anders' expression made his chest ache.
Fenris layed back down on the bed, Anders didn't follow. So Fenris held the hand Anders had given him against his face as he spoke. You've done nothing wrong, I just. I started to remember things from my life, from before the lyrium brands. Just little bits, and I do not know what to do with these feelings of loss for things I never truly had, but I do not wish to lose you, I do not wish to flee and lose Loretta. I've had neither of you for very long, but it feels like my whole world.”
“Then don't. If you need this to slow down, if it's too fast that's fine. We can take steps back. I want to be with you, it doesn't have to be naked.”
Fenris chuckled at that. “You would say it so crudely, you occasionally remind me of Isabella and Hawke when you say things like that, and things you said earlier about me being so much stronger than you.”
“I wasn't kidding when I told Isabella I used to be just like her before Justice. Minus the pirate motif. I slept around, I was selfish, I didn't care about anyone but myself. I didn't care about the other mages' freedom, just my own. It was certainly more fun I know in a lot of ways I'm worse because of Justice, but in a lot of ways I'm better.” Anders layed back down with Fenris, not getting closer, simply holding his hand.
“This is the only version of you I've ever known. And this is the version I would kill to protect, that I swore not to hurt, and I've already failed that.”
“You haven't hurt me, if you need space, I can give you that.” Anders rubbed circles into Fenris' hand with his thumb as he spoke.
“I would not fault you for moving on to someone more comfortable with physical intimacy.” Fenris mumbled against Anders' hand.
“Physical intimacy? Is that the only part of this that's going too fast? I have a room, you made me a room here. I can sleep there if that's an issue. If it's a sex thing, you can set the pace for that. If we don't have sex again till I'm on my deathbed that's fine. I love you.”
“And that would be acceptable to you?” Fenris questioned.
“That would be fine.” Anders smiled at him.
Fenris let go of his hand, and rolled over so that they were cuddling again. “I don’t wish you to start sleeping elsewhere, I appreciate having you in my bed. Your presence is comforting.”
“Despite me being a mage, the source of all that is evil in the world?” Anders mocked good naturedly
“Yes, despite that.” Fenris said easily. “May I ask a question?”
“Sure?”
“Does it truly arouse you that I could easily overpower you?” He questioned.
Anders pressed his face into Fenris’ shoulder and groaned in frustration. “Why would you ask me a sex question, right after you decided we shouldn't be having sex? You could have at least told me to put all my clothes back on first. Maker, yes. The idea that you could hold me down easily, drives me crazy.”
“Do you touch yourself thinking of me?”
Anders groaned again. “Are you torturing me intentionally?”
“I'm curious. Apparently the answer is yes, are you getting hard just from me asking you about this?”
Anders scooted away. “It's not on purpose, I wouldn't touch you without permission.”
“No,” Fenris but his lip before replying. “You should touch yourself.”
Anders looked skeptical. “Should I? We just had a whole serious talk. Is all that going to happen again?”
“Please, I want to watch you?”
“Alright.” Anders agreed. “What exactly do you want to see me do?”
“I want you to tell me a dirty thought about me, that you've touched yourself to, and I want to see you touch yourself like you would if I wasn't here.” Fenris let go of Anders' hands so he could move freely.
“Maker, take me. I think I might just die. I don't know, I think about you a lot.” He pressed his hand against his stomach slowly dragging it lower past his abdomen. “I think of you fighting sometimes. How you look when we're in battle, wielding that sword that's almost as big as you, cutting down enemies easily. Maker, that's so sexy.” There's a brief flash of obvious magic and Anders’ hand is slick with something, before he starts stroking himself to full hardness. “I- fuck! A-after that one battle when we were outnumbered by the Qunari on the wounded coast.” He stopped talking and panted, while he continued stroking himself.
“What about it, mage?” What did you think of me doing to you then? Fenris' voice was as neutral as ever when he spoke, but Anders could swear he heard amusement in his tone.
Anders' eyes squeezed shut before he responded. “I thought it was the hottest thing I'd ever seen the way you cut down all of them so easily. The way you - ah! I imagined you keeping me behind while Hawke and the others left, pushing me down on my knees, all fresh corpses still there to watch while you fucked my throat. I think about that a lot. Anders moved so that he was on his front on his knees fucking into his fist. “Fenris, I like thinking of your pretty eyes looking down at me while your cock is in my mouth, I want to choke on you.”
“Fasta vass! Mage. You were right, this was a terrible idea on my part.” Fenris swore, and pressed the heel of his hand against his mouth and bit down.
“Mmm, should I stop?” He questioned, and smiled when Fenris shook his head. Of course not. So he continued. He moved his other hand was behind him, a finger pressing and rubbing against his hole.
Fenris stopped breathing for a second, he hadn't really thought he'd be this affected simply watching the other. In hindsight he realized he was an idiot. He watched as Anders worked his finger, and then another, and another inside himself. He forced himself to breath once he realized he was holding his breath. And a thought occurred to him. “Mage, do you imagine me having you like this? With my prick where your fingers are?”
Anders looked like he might have tried to speak, but all that came out of his mouth was a loud moan, and then soft grunting and panting as he worked his fingers in and out of himself. So he just nodded. Anders repositioned himself just slightly and his whole body tensed and spasmed for a second, and the noises he was making now absolutely filthy. Short sharp panting with soft moans. Fenris could hear pieces of his name in some of the grunting and whimpering. He sounded completely different touching himself like this, than he did while just stroking himself.
It briefly occurred to Fenris that he could touch himself too, and he wasn't sure why he didn't. Some part of his mind simply wouldn't let him. “I would have thought that you would want to be the one to take me?” It wasn't really a question, just a statement of what he'd initially thought of the mage.
Anders looked at him, and whined, voice desperate, keening. “Th-that too, whatever you want. I would give you anything you want. Maker, I want to give you whatever you want!” He was breathing hard, body tense, his movements sped up. He pressed his face into the pillow to muffle his shouting Fenris’ name as he spilled onto the sheets. “Fuck.” He relaxed into the bed, turning to lay on his side. “Was that what you wanted?”
“Yes, you were beautiful Anders.” He responded simply, making the man smile.
After a few minutes Anders got up to clean everything up, again, and they fell asleep for the night.
Fenris woke up early and made them food.
__________
“I wish to get Loretta.” he’d stated during breakfast. Voice small like he thought Ander might refuse, might still see a threat in his eyes.
Anders nodded. “Right, I guess they won't give her back to you until I ask. Sorry about that.”
Fenris shook his head. “No, I said cruel things to you and Hawke, things I know to be untrue. I understand why she would only take your word at the moment.”
“It'll be alright. Hawke will forgive you, she won't even remember in a few days. She doesn't hold grudges when she likes you.” Anders smiled, and they’d headed to Hawke's estate to get Loretta.
What they found was everyone at Hawke's estate cooing over Loretta, who was dressed in a little pirate costume.
“Which one of you put our daughter in this?” Anders demanded.
“Our daughter?” Isabella smiled, sidling up to Anders, what happened to her being Fenris' responsibility?
“Our daughter.” Fenris repeated sternly, holding his arms out to Aveline, who was the one actually holding her.
Aveline hesitated looking at Hawke. “You know I'm still reluctant to let two unstable men with no real source of income care for a baby.”
Hawke shrugged. “They're doing fine so far. I don't see the issue.”
Aveline spoke sternly. “The issue is that there are real authorities in charge on helping orphaned children, and this situation doesn't seem safe.”
“Oh, and those official authorities are doing such a good job, that's why there's no starving children in the sewers coming to a random apostate in Darktown for help.” Anders glared at her, until she finally handed Loretta over to Fenris.
Isabella smiled, and leaned far into Anders personal space. “Look, we're all friends again! So sweet thing, that mean you and the elf kissed and made up?”
Anders Opened his mouth, to tell her it wasn't any of their business, but Fenris pulled her out of his space and kissed him dead on the mouth.
“Yes, actually. We did, kiss and make up.” Fenris deadpanned, and not for the first time did Anders wonder how Fenris managed to sound so serious all the time.
Hawke bounded towards them, clearly intending to try and hug Fenris. Anders moved them just slightly so he was the one she ran into, arms wrapping around him tight. “Oh, that's good. I'm so happy for you both.”
“Thank you Hawke, and I must apologize for how I treated you after you helped me fight Hadriana. I surely would have been dead without you, Anders, and Varric. You have my thanks.”
“Oh, it's ok. You were going through some stuff.” She waved it off and moved to hug him again.
This time Anders grabbed her by the shoulders to stop her. He hoped Fenris didn't mistake this for him being possessive or controlling. He just wanted Hawke to stop invading Fenris’ space when it clearly made him uncomfortable. “Actually Hawke, I've been wanting to talk to you about how much you touch Fenris.”
Isabella jumped in. “Oooh, Anders is jealous, you better keep your hands off his man Hawke!” She clapped gleeful. And got up to grab Hawke by the waist.
Anders shrugged and nodded in agreement. Thankful Isabella decided to jump to the conclusion he wanted them to have without him having to actually act like a jealous lover.
Hawke frowned. “Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize, you don't really seem like the jealous type. Isabella told me about the time you and her and that one girl all-.”
“That is enough.” Fenris interrupted. “We are not conversing about Anders sex life.” And to Anders amusement, Fenris did sound jealous.
“Alright, Alright. No more teasing blondie, or broody, or their kid. Since we're all here, we should go a few rounds of wicked grace.” Varric suggested.
“Oh, but I actually feel bad about taking Anders' coin now that he's got a brat to take care of.” She pouted. “She's just so cute.”
Merrill looked around before speaking. “We're not all here, there's no Sebastian.”
Anders hadn't noticed his absence until Merrill pointed it out. “Why is there no Sebastian? Also why do you care Merrill, Sebastian thinks you're a dangerous criminal that needs to be locked up at best, and a terrifying monster that needs to be put down at worst.”
Hawke answered the first question. “You told me not to let Sebastian around Loretta without you or Fenris there too.”
Merrill responded to the second. “Yes well, Fenris thinks the same about you, doesn't he?”
Fenris looked indignant, and started to say something, but Anders spoke first. “Well yes, but Fenris is just so sexy, I have to forgive him. The maker definitely didn't work too hard when making Sebastian.”
Isabella clapped her hand to her mouth to hide her laugh.
They did end up staying for a while, playing a few rounds of wicked grace. They all fawned over Loretta. Fenris changed her out of the strange little costume they'd put her in. Though she hadn't wanted to let go of the hat, so they were just carrying it around now.
“Why doesn't she crawl?” Merrill had asked. Don't babies crawl to get around. She's just laying there on her belly. Is that safe?”
Anders glanced over where she was on a blanket near the space on the floor where they were playing cards. She'd rolled over a few times, but made no real attempts to move. “She's got time to start crawling before we need to be worried about the fact that she isn't.”
On the way home Fenris had questioned him. “You are not jealous of Hawke?”
Anders shook his head. “No, but you seem uncomfortable when she touches you, and it seemed the easiest way to get her to stop.”
“Why should that work better than me telling her to stop? Why should that work better than me hitting her, does she respect your opinion so much more than mine?”
Anders shook his head again before responding. “I don't think so. I think if it was the other way around it would be the same. If I didn't want to be touched she'd keep trying unless you told her to stop.”
“That makes little sense.” Fenris complained.
“Hawke is a strange woman.” He agreed.
“We spent longer there than intended at Hawke’s, do you plan on opening up the clinic today?”
“Loretta is probably overstimulated. I should help you put her down for a nap, and if she actually sleeps, I thought maybe we could work on your reading?”
Fenris looked surprised. “You were serious about that? You do not have to help me.”
“I want to help, besides, I've likely had a more formal and thorough education than Hawke or Varric. That is after all, the other function of the circle of magi, besides being a prison.”
“I appreciate it Anders.” Fenris agreed.
Later when they'd finally gotten her to sleep, Anders had Fenris look through some of his books to asses his general reading level, from the childrens books he had to entertainment at the clinic, to the mediocre romance novels Isabella kept giving him for some odd reason, a few of the books Varric had written, and some of the academic texts on healing he'd stolen from the circle.
“You've actually learned quite a lot working with Varric then. You can probably read better than half of Kirkwall.” Anders praised.
“Then do you think I no longer need lessons?” Fenris asked?
“No, it's probably a good idea to keep going, half of Kirkwall is also barely literate. You deserve to be able to enjoy reading, not just barely function at it.” Anders looked through the books he'd brought. “Is there a specific book you want to read?”
Fenris thought about it, before finding the book Hawke had gotten him in his own things. “It was a gift from Hawke.”
“Shartan? I can see that. The chantry tried hard to erase the history of elves within the Andrastian faith.”
They'd spent the rest of the day with Fenris reading aloud, and Anders correcting when Fenris wasn't understanding, or able to correct himself, explaining exactly why a certain letter was making a different sound or enunciation than usual. Occasionally getting up to eat, or feed Loretta. They didn't stop once she awoke. Anders played with her, wiggling his fingers flashing lights making her laugh, carrying her around, still listening to Fenris read. They didn't notice when it had gotten dark out.
At some point Anders had fallen asleep listening to Fenris read, and Loretta had fallen asleep in Anders lap. Her hair had grown out, curly and red against her scalp, a smattering of freckles starting to form on her face. Fenris was certain they were the most precious sight he would see in his life. He vaguely remembered Anders saying something about falling asleep with an infant being dangerous. So he closed his book, picked up Loretta and put her in her crib.
Fenris didn't really want Anders to sleep sitting up on the couch like that, but he didn't think he could pick Anders up like he did Loretta without waking him. He tried anyway, and was surprised to find that no, the mage didn't wake. Him sleeping so soundly certainly wasn't safe considering how often he'd been on the run in his past. He'd carried him to bed and layed next to him, falling asleep easily.
In the next few months there was suddenly a lot going on in Kirkwall. Despite Both Fenris and Anders warning her against it, Hawke chose to help Merrill try and fix her cursed mirror. They'd gone up to sundermount, to bargain for a Dalish tool. The keeper Marithari had agreed on the condition that Hawke and friends defeat some igly monster dwelling in the caves. Merrill had gotten some poor city run away killed. He was clearly frightened by her blood magic and consorting with demons, but she refused to see it, he'd run straight into the monster. It killed him, they killed it. Merril sobbed over the dead elf’s body.
“It's ok” Hawke comforted. “They just don't understand, you're trying to help.”
Anders knew Hawke was just being nice, but he also knew coddling her was going to do more harm than good.
“She's conversing with demons and using blood magic, Hawke. You understand how dangerous that is, that's why you don't do it!” Hawke had ignored him. And they'd all gone their separate ways for the day.
__________
Another thing that happened was Varric found his brother. Anders hadn't gone with them. He heard second hand from Isabella at one of the group's wicked grace nights at the hanged man. She told him about how Bartrand had gone absolutely mad, about how he claimed the lyrium idol they found in the deep roads sang to him, even after he'd sold it. About how in the end Varric had to kill his brother, and Anders saw it in Varric’s eyes, even if he put on a good facade. He was mourning. He'd also heard from Isabella that Hawke had killed some noble woman with Sebastian, and he was leaving Kirkwall soon to go claim his throne in Starkhaven or something, he cared less about that.
At some point Anders looked up from his cards and realized that Sebastian was staring at him, not at Isabella, despite her being the one who was talking shit about him, and sharing the sordid details of his life to everyone in earshot. “Is there something you want, Sebastian?”
“Well, yes actually. I believe I need to speak with Fenris.” He replied.
Anders blinked confused. “Well then speak to him, he hardly needs my permission?”
Sebastian nodded, standing. “If that's all right of course?” He asked Fenris.
Fenris slid his cards face down towards Anders. “Do not let anyone touch my cards, mage.” Then he stood and followed Sebastian into a hallway towards the rooms. He wasn't sure what Sebastian had to say that he thought they needed to be out of the other’s hearing. He knew if Sebastian suggested anything remotely resembling betraying Hawke’s trust he'd rip the man's heart out where he stood.
“So, it's come to my attention that there's a child in your care.” He started.
Fenris nodded in response, but said nothing.
“You and Anders?” He asked.
Fenris nodded again.
Sebastian stood straighter before speaking. “I would like to think we're friends, so I am going to speak my mind on this.”
“Think it if you wish, however the answer may change depending on what you have to say about my daughter, and my mage.”
“How was I not made aware of this sooner, I'm out with you all so often? Do you even know how to care for a child? Are you sure about Anders, he's dangerous, he's possessed.” Sebastian emphasized the word possessed, as if Fenris wasn't already aware.
“You were not made aware because Anders did not wish you to be. More specifically he requested that you not be told, but if you must be, you not be allowed near our child without me or Anders himself present as well.” He explained. “And Anders knows how to care for a child, I am learning, he is a healer. She is safe.”
“The chantry is there to help needy children. She could be placed in a proper home, a safe home.” Sebastian tried to reason.
“No! The chantry does very little for the poor of this city, I will not have her be given to a religious order to be raised as a sister, or worse.” Fenris’ heart squeezed at the idea of Loretta locked up in the gallows circle if she did turn out to have magic. His bright eyed, curly haired baby. “The child's mother asked me to care for her, so I shal.”
“Are you mad? You're going to raise a child with an abomination, in a stolen dilapidated mansion? Maker Fenris, I will pray that you see reason.” Sebastian admitted.
“I do not need your prayers, and my child is in no danger, unless you intend to cause issue.” Fenris walked past him back to their friends playing cards. “Mage, I wish to leave, and Hawke, I wish for you to threaten Sebastian into silence.” He pulled Anders up by his arm. “We should go pick up Loretta from Hawke's mother, and go home.”
They went to Hawke's estate and grabbed Loretta before heading back to their current home. “What happened?” Anders asked. “You and Sebastian usually get along decently. You're actually the only one out of everybody I thought actually got along with him at all.”
“He asked if I'd gone mad, and suggested we give Loretta to the chantry.” Fenris huffed.
“Didn't Aveline also do that? Not that I want to defend Sebastian, but I'm not surprised he thanks we're being crazy” Anders smiled.
“He questioned my judgement about you.” He shouted.
“That's honestly everything?” Anders tried again.
“He said he was going to pray for me.” Fenris deadpanned.
“Andraste's knickers, I hate that. I would have stormed out too.” Loretta squirmed in Anders arms, fussing. “We should put her to bed before she fights her way out of my arms.
“Of course.” Fenris agreed, he liked watching Anders rock Loretta in his arms, setting her down in the crib and lightly rocking it as well, until she fell asleep. She however was absolutely refusing to sleep in this moment. He wondered if she'd napped too long with Hawke's mother. She kicked her little legs and made babbling noises. Looking happily up at Fenris from her crib. “What do we do now mage? She will not tire.”
“We could just leave her in the crib, she'll have to fall asleep on her own eventually.” He suggested.
“I don't wish to leave her in here alone, awake in the dark.” Fenris admitted.
“I could drug her?” Anders joked.
“Not funny, mage.” Fenris stated glaring. “This has not happened before, usually she falls asleep easily.”
“I know, I've never met such a calm baby. Looks like that phase is over.” The words were frustrated, but the tone was affectionate. “I've an idea. Why don't you read to her?”
“That idea is acceptable.” He sat down near her crib with some of the children's books Anders had given him. He was surprised when Anders sat beside him. “You don't have to stay as well, you should go to bed, Anders.”
Anders leaned over, laying his head on Fenris' shoulder and mumbled. “I like listening to you read, I'm proud of you. It's a difficult skill to learn as an adult.”
Fenris opened the book and read aloud. He noticed after a few minutes Loretta had stopped her little string of noises and she stared at him smiling, eyes wide. He knew she didn't understand what he was saying, but she appeared happy. He'd only grabbed enough of the small children's books to keep reading for maybe ten minutes. Apparently that was enough time for both her and Anders to fall asleep. Anders was slumped against him snoring softly. Fenris stood and pulled him into a standing position, he was heavy and he didn't want to carry him to the bed again. “Come Anders, we are going to sleep.”
Anders stood with him, still half asleep, face pressed into Fenris' neck. “S’baby ok?” He mumbled.
“She is sleeping.” He confirmed, dragging a tired Anders to bed.
__________
Hawke had so much going on in her life, Anders wondered how she could stand it. Some of it he'd helped with of course, searching for apostates being threatened by knight commander Meredith. Hunting for someone Hawke thought might be a serial killer, some of it he'd heard mostly about second hand, fighting with religious fanatics and qunari, helping Isabella search for her missing relic, fighting creepy men for her. One particular evening Hawke had come to their door with Isabella and Gamlen banging as loud as she could, she was out of breath when he answered.
“Anders, Fenris. I need help!”
Her mother was missing, she thought she might have been taken by the killer she'd been searching for before, the one she thought she killed. Anders and Fenris reluctantly agreed to let her uncle Gamlen watch Loretta at Hawke's estate while they searched with her. They searched Lowtown, and were pointed to a trail of blood an urchin boy had led them to. He'd never seen Hawke so shaken. They'd ended up searching a foundry in Lowtown. It had a shrine to an older woman who looked a bit like Hawke's mother Leandra. Anders didn't like the picture this painted.
“Mother!” Hawke had shouted when they'd found her, and the blood mage who was rambling about touching the face of the maker.
“She said you'd come for her” the man had laughed in the face of Hawke's horror.
Anders walked closer behind Hawke and saw… What he saw made him recoil in horror. Leandra, and all the other women who'd gone missing, stitched together and kept alive by blood magic. This absolute madman was trying to stitch together a new version of his dead wife. Anders wanted to vomit.
There'd been a fight, because of course there'd be a fight, and at the end Hawke was cradling what was left of her mother in her arms sobbing. “Anders?”
He wished more than anything he could help her, save her. “I'm sorry, his magic was keeping her alive, there's nothing I can do.”
She screamed, she sobbed, she punched the stone walls until her fists were bloody while himself, Isabella, and Fenris stood there and watched, not sure how to be of comfort. Then they Walked back to Hawke's estate together. Fenris and Anders left as soon as Gamlen handed them Loretta. He felt guilty, it felt like they were fleeing in the face of her grief, when she would have tried to comfort them. They didn't speak another word to each other that night, and Fenris who he'd just gotten used to being so near him kept a very intentional distance.
The next day felt off kilter, Hawke asked Anders, Fenris, and Varric to go to the gallows with her to tell her brother about Leandra. Gamlen had offered to do it for her, but she didn't want that. So they'd left Loretta with Merrill for a few hours and accompanied Hawke to the gallows.
“I'm sorry Carver, I didn't protect her well enough.” She looked so small in that moment, if Carver had decided to hurl blame her way, he wasn't sure he wouldn't punch him, or set him on fire.
“I didn't either.” He looked sad. “Maybe if I hadn't joined the templars, if i was home with mother, instead of in these bloody gallows.” He whispered. “I just wanted out of your shadow, but now we're all that's left.” He hugged her, and they both looked so fragile for a moment. "I hate it here, I hate how we treat the mages some of it… I wouldn't let them take you.”
“I'm sorry Hawke.” Anders spoke as they left, and she turned and hugged him.
“It's alright, it just is.” She smiled sadly. “You guys are all I have left. You, Fenris, Aveline, Isabella, Merrill, Carver, Varric. You're my family. I won't let anything happen to you.”
“What about Loretta. She'd be an absolute mess without her favorite aunt?” Anders laughed.
“Oh, baby Loretta is my favorite niece, don't tell Carver, Etta would still be my favorite niece even if he had a daughter, definitely.” Hawke’s tone was lighter.
“What did you call her?” Fenris asked.
“Etta, baby Etta! Sorry, Merrill and Isabella call her that when you aren't around and it's just such a cute nick name.”
“It's alright, I think it's cute.” Anders responded.
Hawke looked at him for a second, no longer smiling. “About what Carver said, about the mages…”
“Surely everyone must see by now what an injustice the templars are?” Anders responded.
“Must we, I see templars trying to control what they have good reason to fear.” Fenris responded.
“I- what? Surely you realize they go too far.”
“Talk to Hawke about her mother, ask her who went too far.” As Fenris spoke Hawke's face turned dark.
She let go of Anders, and before either of them realized what was happening she hauled off and punched Fenris in the face, hard enough to knock him on his ass, he looked up at her bewildered. “Don't you use MY mother as a talking point you ass! Like people without magic don't go around killing and cutting up women? Like I would be any less sad about her death if he was a non magic murderer? You don't use MY pain for your vendetta! You have your own if you really want to keep harping on us! I'm a mage! I would never do that! You're not going to make me or Anders ashamed of ourselves for something we didn't do!” She screamed, and Anders was worried about her screaming so loudly about them being mages right outside the gallows.
“I apologize, I did not mean to-” Fenris was cut off when Hawke started shouting again.
“Don't, don't you dare. Leave my mothers name out of your mouth. Don't talk of the templars being in control, what about that child you have, that's because of the templars control!” She moved forward, raising her leg.
Anders realized she was attempting to stomp on Fenris’ face. He rushed to grab her, yanking her backwards from under her arms to stop her. “Hawke calm down”
She stood up straight and whirled around towards Anders addressing him. “We're going to Get Loretta, and you and her are staying with me tonight.” She grabbed his arm pulling him towards Merril’s home in Lowtown.
Fenris stood up, panicked, and looked at Varric for help.
“Sorry broody, I'm staying out of this one.” He raised his hands in defeat and headed back to the hanged man.
Fenris rushed to follow Hawke and Anders to Merrill’s. He wasn't sure what he was going to do. He was stronger than Hawke, he was certain, and he was faster. He didn't want to fight with her however, especially in front of Loretta. He also wasn't sure what Anders would do if a fight broke out between them. Anders had stopped her from kicking him in the face, but that wasn't really an indication for what he would do if they got into a real battle. His jaw hurt from where she punched him, she was very physically capable for a magic user.
What in Andraste's name possessed him to say that in the first place, to use Hawke's mother to justify the templars? It's not as if he thought Hawke would agree with him, she too thought mages should be free, and he knew the templars weren't really a working solution. He still didn't think it was safe to simply let them do as they pleased, magic was dangerous, but surely there was a better alternative than the templars. He caught up with them arguing with Merrill outside her little hovel.
“Give me my child now, witch!” He demanded.
Merrill looked at Hawke for direction.
“Merrill it's fine, he's not going to hurt us. You can give us Loretta.” Anders sounded frustrated.
“No, you're staying with me, does he talk to you like that all the time, still?” Hawke asked bewildered.
Fenris stood saying nothing else. He did not want to start a fight while one of them was holding Loretta. He was confident now that if a fight did break out Anders would stand with him. However Merrill would certainly stand with Hawke, and Merrill was holding Loretta.
“Merrill, do you think Fenris would hurt me?” Anders asked, clearly trying to coax her into handing him the baby. “Do you really believe he'd hurt me and Etta?”
Merrill frowned uncertain. “I'm not sure to be honest. He looks at you like a little lost puppy, but he can get so angry.”
Fenris sighed in defeat. “Perhaps you and Loretta should stay the night with Hawke, we may speak again in the morning with cooler heads. I don't wish to fight with anyone, especially not with her here.”
Anders shook his head. “Merrill give me my baby, Fenris isn't going to hurt me. Hawke knows he isn't going to hurt me, she's just mad at him for the same shit he says all the time.”
“Oh alright, she isn't really mine to keep. You and Fenris have been feeding and taking care of her, and she doesn't have any bumps or bruises, and she's always happy. I don't think either of you would hurt her.” She handed Loretta to Anders who went happily, nearly falling out of Merril's arms in her wriggling excitement.
He got closer and kissed Hawke on the forehead. “Hawke, you're my dearest friend and I love you, but I am going home with Fenris.”
She huffed but stepped back, letting them go with no further argument. Fenris took Loretta when they got home and Anders prepared to spend the rest of the day at the clinic.
“You are going because you feel obligated to help the people of Darktown, and you haven't had as much time recently, and not because you don't wish to speak to me, mage?” Fenris asked, because he was afraid to let Anders leave without talking to him about it.
“I am going because I have a clinic to run, and people need help, yes. I'm allowed to be angry with you, you're allowed to be angry with me, you're allowed to want space even if the cause isn't really my fault. I'm coming back, I promise.” Anders' voice was weary so much more often these days.
“I don't wish to distance myself from you. I do not want space. I apologize for my recent behavior. I do not wish to lose you.”
Anders looked surprised. “You're not going to lose me. I think I've established well enough that I already know what you think of me, and as stupid as it is, I'm terribly in love with you despite that.”
“What do you believe I think of you?”
“That I'm dangerous, a mage, a radical and my vision to have the mages free will bring about a second Tevinter imperium filled with slavery.” He replied.
“No I…” Fenris paused for a moment gathering his thoughts. “Those things are true. You are a mage, I believe freeing all the mages in Thedas is a dangerous goal, but I believe that you are a good man, that you and Hawke are good people. I fear no danger from you.”
“Come on Fenris, you're more intelligent than that. I am dangerous, I don't want you to forget that, I could hurt you.” He wrapped his arms loosely around Fenris' middle and kissed him, and then leaned down and kissed Loretta. “I'm not running away to hide in my clinic, I'm coming back. I love you.”
“I would slaughter every templar in the gallows to keep you safe” Fenris responded.
__________
Sooner rather than later the tension with the Qunari burst wide open. Despite all of Hawke's attempts to stop it. A chantry sister had killed a Qunari convert, elves were converting to keep from being charged with crimes, everything was falling apart, and they didn't know where Hawke was. Aveline had stopped by every one of Hawke's friends and asked them to wait near the Qunari compound, Hawke was doing something with Isabella.
When Hawke finally showed up it was without Isabella and with hurt in her eyes. “Bella's gone, she bailed with the artifact the Qunari want. They apparently need it to leave.” The. Hawke went into the compound with just Aveline, and a few moments later there was shouting and chaos. There was fighting throughout the city as they made their way towards the Viscounts keep. The Arishok declared that without the relic Isabella had taken, he could not leave, and of course Isabella chose just that moment to kick open the door and show up dramatically.
“We may leave with the relic, and the thief” The Arishok declared and Isabella had the nerve to be surprised.
“You got your stupid relic, can't you just go already?” She'd whined.
“Did you honestly believe you could steal one of their sacred artifacts and face no consequences?” Fenris had asked. To which Hawke smacked him open hand on the back of the head.
“I certainly think she can, when have I ever let a single one of you get hurt due to the consequences of your own actions? I'm not letting anyone take Isabella.” Hawke stated firmly.
And so the Arishok had challenged Hawke to single combat. Anders wished she hadn't agreed to that, he wanted to step in and heal her. He wasn't sure how she was still alive or moving so nimbly. She'd taken his giant axe to both her stomach and chest. He was covered in ice and burn marks, but she was covered in blood. Including her teeth as she bared them in a bloody smile. Her friends were terrified for her, but she was not afraid.
The Arishok fell to his knees and the battle ended with her jamming her staff through his skull. Before looking around at the rest of the qunari there and shouting, blood still bubbling from her lips. “Get out of my city!”
Hawke the champion of Kirkwall, as declared by templar knight commander Meredith and the city guard, had saved the city.
------
For a while the tension in Kirkwall calmed, still climbing, but slowly. A few years with the veneer of peace. Real or not it was clear it was going to fall apart soon.
Hawke had grabbed everyone from their homes excitedly and was dragging them to her estate. She wouldn't tell them what for.
“Don't worry, you'll love it!” Isabella promised, despite refusing to tell them what “it” was.
“We goinga Hawke's!” Loretta shouted happily, chubby little fingers holding on tightly as she swung on Fenris' arm.
“Is it safe to carry her like that? What if she falls?” Aveline asked, looking at her precarious grip on the elfs arm.
“Then she will get back up. She is not fragile. She's aware she may fall, if she doesn't like it she's welcome to let me carry her properly, or walk herself.” Fenris replied.
“Oh, you wouldn't make little baby Etta walk by herself would you?” Isabella teased, smiling at the little girl.
“We goinga Hawke's!” Loretta repeated happily. Yeah Ada?”
“Yes, we're going to Hawke’s.” Anders responded.
They'd heard shouting up ahead, it sounded like first Enchanter Orsino, from the circle. “Meredith does everything in her power to oppose a replacement for Viscount Dumar, she would have the city fall into chaos, would you allow it.” He shouted to a crowd of surrounding civilians and nobles.
Knight commander Meredith pushed herself through the crowd to see what was happening. “Stop this farce immediately!” She shouted. “Everyone return to your homes!”
Orsino continued. “Perhaps there are some who might disagree with you. How about the champion? What say you knight commander?”
Everyone besides Hawke did their best to remain unnoticed and blend into the background as Orsino pointed her out. Hawke stepped forward. “You do try to control the city, your measures become increasingly extreme knight commander.”
“That's our cue to flee.” Isabella stated, directing everyone else to Hawke's estate while she argued with Meredith.
Fenris set Etta down once they were inside and she ran towards Hawke's Mabari hound gleefully. “Doggy, doggy, doggy!”
Fenris chuckled, watching her play with the dog. “Not that Hawke Junior isn't a wonderful pet, but I'm afraid your daughter may want a dog in addition to the cat soon.”
Anders groaned. “Don't give her ideas.”
Isabella cackled gleefully. “Oh, I'll definitely give her ideas, a whole pack of dogs, all Mabari, the same breed as baby girl!”
Hawke's dog barked happily hearing Isabella say her name.
“She is very good with children.” Anders noted how careful baby girl was with Etta. “But she's getting her all slobbery.”
“Mabari are war dogs, not nannies. You should watch her carefully around Loretta.” Sebastian interrupted.
“No, I don't think she'll hurt the baby. She's a good dog, she knows what she's doing.” Merrill's tone was affectionate.
“Ok Rivaini, so what are we all doing here, what's the surprise?” Varric asked. We could be getting drunk at the hanged man right now? Instead we're here.”
“Dwunk at th hanged man!” Etta crowed gleefully still petting babygirl, making Varric laugh, Fenris glared at him.
The door slammed open suddenly with a frantic Hawke. “I didn't miss the surprise did I?”
“Nope!” Isabella cheered, scooping up baby Etta and tossing her at Hawke.
Aveline shouted. “You be careful with her, she's a child!
Hawke ran with Etta up the stairs, while Fenris and Anders ran after her, everyone else followed at more reasonable pace. “Happy name day little girl!” You're what, three years old now?” Hawke opened the door to her room and it was filled with boxes.
“No shit, so this is why you were asking us to get presents for the kid?” Varric said, nodding thoughtfully.
Hawke smiled and nodded excited! “I mean, they've never done anything for her nameday before, I mean Anders made her cupcakes last year, but I wanted her to have something big!” she waved her arms dramatically over her head.
“Hawke, don't you think you may be overstepping a bit, planning a party for someone else's child without their permission?” Aveline asked.
“Those presents mine, Ada?” Etta asked, looking up at Anders, who nodded. “Mine, mine, mine!” She ran gleefully tearing at all the boxes.
“I appreciate the sentiment, but I do question how we're going to transport all of her gifts to our home, and I would like it to be known that we are not cleaning up the mess she is making of your room. Giving her all these boxes was your own doing.”
“Of course Fenris, I'd never dream of asking you to clean up after your child.” She replied.
“That is good, I'll consider it a returned favor for that time we all had to clean up that mess with the Qunari your pirate made.” He responded, making Isabella snicker.
“Da, look, Da, look!” Etta ran up to Fenris holding a little knitted cat that looked a bit like Hawke Junior. She ran back to the boxes tearing more open. She balled up all the clothes they'd gotten her and ran to Anders. “Hold these fo me Ada!”
Isabella squinted at them. “So Fenris is Da, and Anders is Ada? How long has she been doing that? She didn't do that the last time I saw her.”
“Oh no, I think she did. I think we can just understand her better now. I can understand her other words too. Remember, before she'd talk and Anders would always know what she was saying, and Fenris usually would too. It all sounded like gibberish to me, but now I understand everything she says!” Merrill amends brightly.
“She enunciates much better now.” Anders says clearly proud. “Not sure where she got Da or Ada from, but she's been calling us that since she could talk.”
“So you didn't teach it to her? That's a bit funny.” Merrill seemed amused.
Etta dashed away, diving back into her pile of boxes.
Sebastian cleared his throat and addressed Fenris. “Has she shown any signs of you know…”
“Magic?” Anders interrupted angrily. Why are you here? Hawke, why did you invite him?”
“No, and we would likely not tell you if she had.” Fenris added.
“Just imagine it, a baby broody, but with magic! She grows up raised by an ex slave, and his mage lover. When she's older she returns to her father's birthplace in Tevinter and starts freeing slaves!” Varric narrated aloud before looking at The little girl. “What do you think Etta, want to be a hero of the people?”
“Dwarf, under no circumstances are you to write a book about some hypothetical future for my daughter. Especially not one where she does something dangerous and foolish.” Fenris said side eyeing the dwarf.
“Alright, alright. I'll write about a completely different girl, Lorianna, goes by Anna. She's raised by a broody ex slave who hates mages, and a sad angsting mage while they learn to get along, and fall in love.” Varric continues narrating, smiling at Fenris' unamused reaction.
“Look! Da look!” Etta ran to Fenris carrying a pile of cloth toys shaped like animals. Dog, cat, halla, mousy, dunno what dis one!”
“That's a griffon.” Anders replied fondly.
“Yeee, I got a gwiffin!” She cheered.
“And Oranna made you a cake!” Hawke announced, as Orana entered the room carrying said cake.
Etta looked at the cake and then looked at Anders. “Cake?”
“It's for you, of course you can have some. What do you say?” Anders asked fondly.
“Thank you.” The little girl whispered, smiling taking the slice of cake Orana offered. She ate the cake much more carefully than she'd torn open the presents.
“How's she suddenly so calm” Hawke questioned in amazement.
“Anders doesn't let her have sweets often, and when she makes a mess of her food he makes her clean it herself.” Fenris explained.
“Just Anders? I'd think between the two of you, Anders would be less, well, you know.” Merrill trailed off.
“Wait, so you let her run wild in everything else, but food specifically she can't be messy with?” Isabella added.
Anders answered both questions. “Despite what you might think from his whole personality and history, Fenris is entirely wrapped around her finger. If he was the only one in charge of watching her, she would eat cake for every meal, and never pick up after herself.”
“I am not that bad mage.” Fenris defended himself.
“She finger painted smiley faces on you while you slept the other night.” Anders shot back.
“Blondie being the strict parent is a bet I would have lost.” Varric admitted.
“You had better not start giving her sweets all the time because you think I'm starving her, every single one of you. She isn't deprived.” Anders demanded.
Back at home Etta seemed to have quickly forgotten about most of her new things strewn about the house, however she kept tight hold of the little black cat doll. Not letting it out of her sight.
__________
It was a few nights later Anders was coming back from his clinic in dark town, he showed up to the mansion right as Hawke did. They could both hear Aveline’s voice inside. Anders opened the door for them and they went inside, headed towards Fenris’ and Aveline's voices.
“Your sure that it's her?” Fenris asked, he was pacing around the room agitated.
An elf matching your description on the ship you named, alone as far as I could tell.” Aveline answered.
“I need to know if it's a trap!” Fenris slammed his hands against the table near where Aveline had been sitting.
“I did as you asked, the rest is up to you.” She got up and walked away. “You two talk to him.” She gestured to Hawke and Anders before leaving.
“Fasta vas, venhedis!” Fenris swore in Tevene.
“What's wrong Fenris?” Anders asked.
“Anything I can help with?” Hawke added.
“It's my sister. I followed up on what Hadriana said, it's all true. I've contacted her, and sent her coin enough to come meet me. She is here in Kirkwall. I am to meet her tonight at the hanged man.”
“You're worried Denarius knows?” Hawke wondered aloud.
Fenris was clearly worried “The more it seems he doesn't know the more certain I become that he does.”
“Yes, everything has gone exactly according to plan, what could be worse?” Hawke teased.
“Yes, laugh at me.”
“Well,” she said. “standing around won't help.”
“We can go with you, we can be there to fight if Denarius shows up” Anders offered. “If it's not a trap you can get to know your sister.”
“Etta-” Fenris started.
“Can stay with Bella at my home while we go to the Hanged man, and Varric will be at the Hanged man and will help us fight if we need. Plan settled.” She beamed.
And so it was they found themselves at the hanged man. There was a sad looking elven woman at the table, and Fenris walked over to her.
“It really is you.” She looked down when speaking.
“Varania. I remember you, we used to play in our masters courtyard, you called me-”
“Leto, that's your name.” She stood as she spoke.
“What's wrong, why are you so-?” Fenris was interrupted.
“Fenris, we have to get out of here!” Hawke sounded serious.
“Ah, my little Fenris, predictable as always.” A man walked into view coming down the stairs towards them, Hawke and Anders could only assume it was Denarius.
Thankfully Varric emerged from somewhere, once things started to get heavy, he stood next to Hawke assessing the situation.
“I'm sorry it came to this Leto.” Varania apologized, backing away.
“You led him here!” he turned to his sister furious.
“Now now Fenris, don't blame your sister, she did what any good imperial citizen should do.” Denarius spoke, his tone condescending.
“I never wanted these filthy markings Denarius, but I will not let you kill me to get them!”
“How little you know pet, and this is your new master then, the champion of Kirkwall? Impressive.” Denarius looked at Hawke as he spoke.
“Fenris doesn't belong to anyone you pompous ass!” Anders shouted.
“Oh, yours then? And is that jealousy I hear, I understand, the lad is rather skilled isn't he.” There was mirth in his voice Anders and Hawke didn't like. “You know you weren't always like this Fenris, once upon a time you had affection for me.” Anders stomach clenched in revulsion of the implications there.
“Shut your mouth Denarius!” Fenris shouted.
Denarius sighed condescending. “The word is master!” Then a fight broke out.
Of course the bastard would summon a bunch of demons in their favorite tavern. And hide behind them like a coward. Of course they'd cut them down, wave after wave of demon and undead until only Denarius was left.
“You are no longer my master!” Fenris stated triumphant. Reaching into Denarius’ chest and crushing his heart. He turned to Varania.
“I had no choice. Leto.” She said backing away.
“Stop calling me that!”
“He was going to make me his apprentice. I would have been a magister.” She continued.
“You sold out your own brother to become a magister?” He interrogated.
“You're sister's a mage? You bloody-” Anders stopped himself, he had more thoughts, but they were going to stay inside thoughts, or his entrails might end up on the outside because of Fenris' sword, or his heart crushed in the very much non metaphorical way Fenris had.
“You don't know what it's been like since mother died, this was my only chance.”
“Now you have no chance at all!” He advanced on her.
“Don't do this!” She begged. “Tell him to stop!” She looked at Hawke.
Hawke reached out her hand to place it on Fenris’ shoulder. “Fenris don't, this is your family.” Hawke tried.
“Why not, she was ready to see me killed, what is she to me other than one more tool of the magisters?” he shouted, jerking away before she could touch him.
Varric stepped in. “Fenris don't, trust me it doesn't help.” He shook his head.
“Leave.” Fenris commanded, and his sister ran for the door.
She turned around to say one last thing as she left. “You said you didn't ask for this, but that's not true. You wanted it, competed for it. You used the boon to have mother and I freed.”
“Why are you telling me this?” He questioned looking miserable.
“Freedom was no boon, I look on you now and think that you got the better end of the bargain.” Then she turned and walked out.
“I thought discovering my past would bring me a sense of belonging, I was wrong. Magic has tainted that too. I am alone.” Fenris voice held grief and rage as he spoke.
“Alone? I suppose you are then.” Anders stated walking out of the Hanged man. He was angry, and he felt sick and guilty for feeling so angry. He knew Fenris was going through something traumatic, but he was angry regardless. He needed to be away from Fenris, so he decided to stay the night at his clinic in Darktown.
Fenris watched him go. “I didn't mean…. I. Hawke, may Etta stay with you and Isabella tonight?”
Hawke agreed readily. “Of course, if you need anything let me know, we're your friends Fenris.”
Fenris walked home, in the dark, alone, to his empty mansion, the floor littered with stuffed toys to remind him that his daughter wasn't there, and papers and potion ingredients haphazardly set on shelves to remind him that Anders wasn't there. And into his empty room, and laid down in his empty bed.
They hadn't really touched each other since that first night, around when this started, though they still shared the bed. Anders almost never still spent the night in his clinic. He wondered if that's where he'd gone now. He got back up, he couldn't sleep like this. He looked through Anders papers, they were mostly lists, for potions ingredients, things he needed for the clinic schedules for patients. There were a bunch of papers rolled up and tied up together with twine. He pulled a few out, it was apparently several rewritten copies of the same thing. Anders' manifesto.
“Andraste suffered at the hands of magisters. Thus, she feared the influence of magic. But if the Maker blamed magic for the magister’s actions in the Black City, why would He still gift us with it? The oppression of mages stems from the fears of men, not the will of the Maker.”
He didn't read the rest, he'd heard all of Anders' arguments before. He wasn't even sure he believed in the maker, but he could see with his own eyes how dangerous magic was. He looked around the room. Hawke junior had come in and settled on Anders' side of the bed at some point. Maybe he should go to the clinic and get Anders, it wasn't safe there at night. It wasn't safe there during the day either, but he wasn't capable of convincing Anders to just shut it down.
What if Anders didn't come back? What if he hadn't gone to Darktown, if he simply fled Kirkwall and left him behind. What if he'd broken this thing they had that was already so cracked and fragile? Fenris sat down at the desk he'd had put in his room for Anders to write at, and fell asleep clutching his manifesto in his hand. He wanted his mage to come home.
“Makers breath Fenris, what's wrong with you? You can't sleep like that, it's terrible for your back!” Anders had come back to the mansion in the middle of the night to find the elf asleep crumpling up all his previously stacked papers. He prodded his shoulder. “Wake up Fenris. It was really sweet that you did it for me, but I'm not carrying you to bed.”
Fenris opened his eyes, blinking slowly up at Anders. He had a brief thought that if it had been someone else it might have startled him into attacking. Before it fully registered that Anders was in front of him. “You came home?” He sounded hopeful.
“Of course, I shouldn't have left, I was worried about you.” Anders admitted.
“I should apologize, what I said was not how I truly feel. I am not alone with you here. You will forgive me?” He looked up at Anders as he spoke.
Anders stopped him. “You don't have to apologize, I love you. Besides, you're right. As much as I don't want it to, magic complicates things, Fenris. I love you, I want that to be enough, I want it to fix things, I want it to be everything. It can't though. I need you to know that I forgive you, when you hate me. I'll forgive you if you kill me.”
“What? Mage stop talking like that.” Fenris demanded, the way Anders was talking worried him. “I would never bring you to harm.”
“I don't expect you to forgive me. Not for anything, but I love you, I'll always love you.”
Fenris stood up to face Anders, and pulled him close, brushing their lips together. “I love you too, now cease this.” he whispered against Anders’ lips.
“You've never said that to me before.” Anders voiced before kissing Fenris back, deepening the kiss. “Tell me again, tell me you love me.” he ran his hands up Fenris’ body up until he hit the metal breast plate. He was going to get onto Fenris later about how unhealthy it was to sleep in his armor, for now he simply moved to undo the armor.
Fenris pulled back to help Anders remove his armor. “I love you Anders, You and Loretta are my family, and I love you, I would have you at my side for as long as you'll have me.” Once he was down to his leathers he pulled Anders close again, ground himself against Anders hip and moaned. “I would have you inside me mage.”
“Fuck, please. I want that.” Anders responded, pulling Fenris towards the bed. Fenris followed easily, pulling his leathers off as he went. The motion of him hitting the bed as he sat startled the cat, causing her to bolt out of the room.
Anders laughed, startled by the cat, not previously realizing she was there. “Sorry Hawke Junior!” He called, still laughing.
Fenris let out a chuckle of his own, before demanding Anders' attention again. “You should kiss me again, and you should undress.” He directed, leaning back on the bed.
“You're going to be bossy now? I like it.” He joked, taking off his coat, and undoing the belts from his robe before finally pulling it off. He crawled farther up the bed where Fenris was, he tangled his fingers in his hair, pulling Fenris close to kiss him, pulling back he panted into Fenris' mouth. “Tell me what you want, I want to give you whatever you want forever. Maker, Fenris you're the most handsome man in all of Thedas, you're so beautiful.”
“I don't want to be alone.” He responded simply. “I want to be loved.”
“I love you so much” He murmured, before sucking wet kisses down Fenris’ jaw to his neck. His hands moved to Fenris' chest and stomach, feeling the muscle underneath his skin. “You're so strong.” Anders breathed out in awe. “You're terrifying.”
“Are you terrified of me mage?” He asked, running his hands along Anders' back. It's not as if he was weak. Fenris could feel the muscles in his back move as he kissed and groped the other's body.
“Never.” Anders answered, moving himself to kiss Fenris again, licking into his mouth, before going back to sucking wet kisses onto his torso.
“Would you like me to take your place, hold you down and show you how much stronger I am? You mentioned before you find it arousing.”
“Right now, I want to do this, because you look amazing laying their face flushed panting, dick hard, and because we're being romantic. I'm being sweet. Some time in the future however, yes please. Hold me down, pin me, make me beg before you take me. Right now let me love you.” Anders answered, grinding himself down onto Fenris thigh. “Love you, I love you.”
Fenris’ breath caught in his throat. He moaned loudly as Anders tongue dragged over his nipple, Anders mouthed at it a few moments longer, and moved his hand up to play with the other one. Fenris made quiet little grunting sounds in the back of his throat.
“Move up the bed?” Anders suggested readjusting his body's position slightly.
Fenris did so moving closer to the headboard, and watched as Anders kissed lower down his body, licking down his abdomen, and groping up his thighs, until he got to Fenris' erection. He stroked it a few times with his hand, then wrapped his lips around the head, tonguing at the slit.
Fenris groaned, looking down at Anders. Warm all over, he tensed as shuddered as Anders took more of him into his mouth. He curled the fingers of one hand loosely in Anders' hair. The other simply clutching at his bed sheets. “I- Anders, please!” Anders continued stroking with his hand where his mouth didn't reach, pressing his tongue along the underside, eventually taking his hand off Fenris’ cock to caress his sac, moving his mouth rhythmically up and down along the shaft. Fenris felt heat pool in his lower abdomen as hips thrust up of their own accord he lost control of himself. “Fuck mage!”
He felt Anders gag around him, and thought to let go of his hair. Anders looked up at him, tears at the corners of his eyes and grabbed Fenris' hand and tangled it back in his hair, while sinking down taking as much of Fenris as he could down his throat. He was on fire, his fist tightened in Anders' hair holding him down while he thrust up into the wet heat of Anders mouth. “Mage! Anders!” he thrust up erratically feeling too hot, and incredibly overwhelmed. He felt Anders choking on him, felt Anders hands move to grip violently at his hips. Anders let out a pleased moan, it vibrated along Fenris' cock, Fenris felt his body tense violently, intense pleasure overwhelming him as he spent himself down Anders throat. He let go of Anders’ hair again and laid there panting.
Anders looked up at him, gently biting at his inner thigh. His hair was messy, his eyes watery, tear tracks down his face made Fenris feel guilty, though clearly he'd enjoyed himself judging by the lurid smile on his face, and the stiffness between his legs.
“That was not romantic.” Fenris said, pushing himself up on his elbow and petting Anders' hair. “Did you actually enjoy that?”
“Mmm, yes. You have no idea.” He answered, between sucking in lungfulls of air. “ Can I still fuck you?” he pulled himself up to lay beside Fenris, who continued petting his hair.
“In a moment, yes. I would still have you take me, once everything doesn't feel so…. Much.” Fenris replied.
They kissed languidly for a few moments, caressing each other gently, one of Fenris’ hands still combing through Anders' hair.
Anders reached down to stroke himself, still hard. And Fenris rolls them over, pulling Anders back on top of him.
“Lech.” Fenris accuses.
“Excuse me? I am a perfect gentleman.” He defends. He kisses Fenris again, and then presses his face into his neck and inhales.
“What are you doing mage?” Fenris questions.
“Breathing you in.” Anders replies smiling and kisses him again, hands groping at the others thighs. “I want to touch you so bad, I ache for you.” he groans, thrusting against Fenris’ thigh.
“Stop that, you are not a dog, don't rut against me like a bitch in heat. If you want me, take me.”
Anders repositioned so he was properly between Fenris legs, Fenris could see the soft glow of Anders magic before he felt Anders’ finger slick pressing at his entrance, rubbing lightly. The way Fenris looked in the moment made Anders ache with want, and he could feel himself throbbing between his legs. He leaned down and kissed him again.
Fenris made an undignified little “ngh.” sound as Anders started working his fingers inside, they turned into half bitten curses, and broken pieces of Anders’ name in between kisses, Fenris felt alight. Again the feeling of warmth spreading and being overwhelmed, as Anders fingers pressed into the heat of him. Something Anders did with his fingers as he felt them moving inside made it so much worse, a sudden burst of pleasure. “A-Anders, Want, need you.” He felt Anders fingers leave him and groaned. “Mage, touch me!”
Anders pressed into him slowly, burying his face in Fenris' neck. He gave several choked moans of Fenris' name as he sank into him. “Fenris, maker, you're perfect, fuck, fuck.” He held onto Fenris' waist. He could feel Fenris' hands on his back. He felt a pleasant buzzing under his skin, everything vibrating with anticipation. He was so close. He felt himself lose rhythm, Fenris body warm around him, panting for air, gasping his name in turn. He wrapped a hand around Fenris' erection stroking.
“Anders.” Fenris' breathing was heavy, and his voice strained. “I want to feel you spill yourself inside me.”
Anders came undone at that, hips moving erratically against the other man, his name a prayer on Anders lips as he did so. “Fenris!”
Fenris tumbled over the edge not long after, spending himself onto Anders hand, nails digging into Anders back.
Anders simply collapsed on top of him after that, and they lay together unmoving for a moment before he spoke. “Fenris, are you ok? Are you really ok? I suppose we should have talked more before we had sex again.”
“You've caused me no undue harm, Anders. I apologize if I've caused you any.” Fenris was tired, he didn't want to talk about this. He didn't want things to be heavy and painful when everything had just been so nice and pleasant.
“You don't want to talk about any of it?” He questioned.
“I- do you think I'm a monster, for blaming Varania?” Fenris looked away when he'd asked.
“You're a better man than me, I'm sure I would have killed her if I were you.”
“Thank you for going with me. Admittedly I'd only intended to ask Hawke's help, then you volunteered. Fenris admitted.
“Why? Do you still not trust me?” Anders sounded hurt.
“No, it is not that. I was concerned I might harm those trying to help me.” Fenris' confessed. It occurred to him that Anders didn't understand his fear, because unlike Hawke he'd not told Anders of his time in the Seheron. “The first time I was away from Denarius, I didn't escape. He left me behind in the jungles as we were fleeing the seheron. I was injured and the rebels, the fog warriors saved me. I lived with them for a time, and when Denarius came back I slaughtered them all. Then I fled.” He felt Anders lips press into his shoulder.
“I'm sorry Fenris” Anders whispered softly. “But you aren't that person anymore, they're gone, and you've grown so strong. That will never be you again.”
Fenris lay there contemplating, face smooshed against Anders’ shoulder.
“I suppose now we should get cleaned up.”
“I am comfortable mage, I'm not moving.” Fenris mumbled, eyes already closing.
“Fenris, you're going to be sticky and uncomfortable in the morning.” Anders threatened.
“Mmhmm.” He made a sound of agreement, then felt the comfortable weight of Anders body leave him before he fell asleep.
__________
He woke up decidedly clean, and not sticky in uncomfortable places, with Anders wrapped around him. Anders must have gotten up and cleaned them both while he slept. It was a wonder, he thought, that he could sleep so soundly with another person near him. That he could feel so comfortable with another person in his space. He never actually believed he'd have that.
They'd just finished getting dressed when the front door opened with a loud thud against the wall, and they heard the loud giggling of a child running towards them, and the equally loud footsteps of two grown ass women racing behind her. Etta, Hawke, and Isabella all ran into the room.
“Ada!” The little girl grabbed Anders by the ankle.
“Isabella, Hawke. Was it necessary to kick in the door?” Fenris complained.
Hawke had the decency to look guilty. “I'm sorry, I'll fix it.” She apologized. Isabella however seemed content with the destruction.
Things were happy for a while, they took care of their wild child. They ate, they slept, they played wicked grace with their friends every week. But things were steadily getting worse, more complicated. With the city, with Anders. He was being withdrawn and moody, he was spending more time in the clinic, and while some of their friends didn't care, or chalked it up to him always being that way, Hawke, Varric, and Fenris were worried about him. He seemed sadder, angrier. Meaner.
They were out with Hawke today, she'd dragged them out past the city to see the mountains again for Merrill. This was foolish, this was dangerous. “Why are you helping her with this accursed mirror?” Fenris demanded.
“She's going to do this with or without us, I'm going to be there for her to make sure she doesn't get hurt.” Hawke answered easily. “Now tell us what we're meant to be doing?”
Merrill looked guilty, but answered. “I need the demon's help for the last piece of the mirror, so I'm going to let it out. I need you there to kill me in case I get possessed.”
“Ah, so I'm not making sure you don't get hurt, “ Hawke deadpanned.
“I’m so sorry Hawke, but I have to do this.” Merrill said.
“It's not a good feeling, you know?” Anders interrupted.
“What?” She looked at him confused.
“Being an abomination.” Anders replied.
“I'm not going to get possessed! Hawke Will stop me if I do!” She huffed indignant.
“As will I.” Fenris growled.
“It's like you're trapped in your own body, seeing out your eyes, while someone else moves you like a puppet.” Anders continued, ignoring both their comments. “And you're trying to scream, to move a single muscle, but there's no escape. Until you look down at the blood on your hands…”
“Stop it, you're scaring me!” Her voice trembled, but she continued up the mountain path.
“That's the point.” He sighed in response.
They made it up the path to a strange altar in a remote cave. “That's strange, I can't sense it. The demon isn't here.” Merrill wondered looking around.
“Well it can't have just vanished, we'll hunt it down.” Hawke decided.
“But it shouldn't have been able to leave, no one could break it out without doing something terrible, what happened?” Merrill's voice was laced with concern.
“I happened, Da’len.” Marithari, the keeper of the Dalish clan appeared suddenly. “The demon's plan was always for you to complete the mirror. It would have been a portal into our world. You would have been his first victim. I couldn't let tgat happen, da’len.”
“You didn't think to mention the demon was gone before we hiked all the way up here?” Hawke snarked.
“It's not gone.” Marithari turned away before continuing. “I couldn't fight it in the fade while it was trapped, and I couldn't banish it without making it stronger. So, I made myself it's prison. Kill me, and the demon will be dead. Merrill will be free.”
“No, I won't do this!” Merrill cried.
“You always knew your blood magic had a price da’len. I have chosen to pay it for you.” Marithari’s tone was sad, but affectionate. It was clear she cared for Merril. She stepped back and a large demon erupted from her.
“Motherfucker, why is it always demons!” Hawke shouted, in the end they'd defeated the demon, and had to kill the keeper. Merrill sobbed on the ground while Hawke wrapped her arms comfortingly around her. “It will be ok Merrill. I'm so sorry.”
“That was the noblest thing I've ever seen anyone do, the world is poorer for having her in it instead of you!” Anders admonished, and Hawke had glared daggers at him. “Coddling her over it won't help”
__________
Of course that traumatic event couldn't be the last thing to do for the day, Hawke dropped Merrill back at her house in Lowetown, and grabbed Varric so they could go speak to Orsino. When they'd walked into his office in the templar hall he shut the door behind them like it was some clandestine meeting. Apparently it was.
“Thank you for coming champion, few will still associate with me after I've made myself a target of Meredith's ire. Which makes it even more difficult that she's not wrong. Some of my colleagues are using dangerous means to oppose her, and I can't ask for the templars aid without making every mage in the circle a target.” Orsino explained.
“You're underestimating our knight commander, she'd probably slaughter the entire city, just to be safe.” Hawke joked.
“Hm, she might take on the entire Freemarches.” Orsino agreed. I've heard whispers of a meeting in High town. I would go see for myself, but If I leave the tower without permission Meredith would take that as proof of my involvement.”
“Don't worry, I'll check it out. See what's happening.” Hawke agreed.
“Thank you, I pray you find nothing sinister. If you do, i fear Meredith will consider it all the proof she needs to justify the right of annulment.”
So they'd gone to find the meeting, they found an assortment of templars and blood mages spooked enough by knight commander Meredith’s erratic behavior that they were working together and found even more after that. At some point they'd found a trail leading to the groups leaders, and found out they'd taken Hawke's baby brother hostage. He was not grateful for the rescue, and they'd gone back to Orsino to tell him the bad news.
The next morning Fenris woke up alone, he'd assumed Anders had gone to work in the clinic before he'd gotten up, so he took Etta to Hawke's and was surprised to find out Hawke was out with Anders and Varric.
“He didn't tell you?” Isabella sounded confused. “Thought he'd be more excited, but he sounded sad. Told Hawke he had a way to separate him and Justice for good. Said he needed help gathering ingredients.”
“Why would he not tell me this?” he demanded.
Isabella shrugged.
Etta and Fenris spent the better part of the day at Hawke's playing with Baby girl, while Isabella told outlandish stories. Anders didn't get home until long after Fenris. Etta was fast asleep in her room, and Fenris was falling asleep on one of the couches, when Anders came home.
Fenris started awake at the sound of the door opening. “Mage?”
Anders looked at him surprised. “Why are you still awake, you don't have to wait up for me.” He admonished.
“Why were you gone so long, Isabella said you were trying to get rid of your demon, why would you not tell me this?” Fenris questioned. Fenris looked at him, his clothes were different, before he'd had a tattered robe with a teal coat, he was wearing all black now. Where'd he gotten it? Hawke maybe?
Anders tensed, he sounded defensive when he answered. “Well what if it didn't work, what would the point of telling you have been?”
For some reason Fenris was absolutely sure his mage was lying to him, and he wasn't sure why. “Anders, I need to know the truth. What are you doing? Is it going to put Etta in danger?” Anders looked hurt, and he immediately regretted the question. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean-”
And Anders kissed him, desperate, and sad, and clinging to him like a life raft. “I'm sorry, for whatever happens. I'm sorry if I hurt you.”
“Mage, tell me what's happening?” Fenris demanded again.
“What if you're right, what if I'm tainted. What if I'm a monster? You could stop me.” Anders kissed him again, tangling his fingers into Fenris' hair. Maybe he was drowning. Anders took Fenris' hand and pressed it against his own chest. “You could stop me from hurting anyone.”
Fenris could feel Anders' tears on his face. He spoke gently. “Anders, tell me what you're going to do so I can keep our daughter safe. Please? I don't understand what's happening. I'm not going to kill you if that's what you're suggesting.”
Anders took a deep shuddering breath before asking. “Fenris, can you and Etta not be in the city tomorrow?”
Fenris looked at him for a long moment before finally answering. “No, I will not leave you. Hawke's servant Orana is Elven. The Dalish are still camped in Sundermount. They will not allow her to stay indefinitely with a human child, but they will at least allow her to stay with them a night. If she is in danger in this city she will go there.”
“You should go too.” Anders argued. “You're her dad.”
“As are you, I am not abandoning you, to whatever foolish thing you intend to do.” His tone was final.
So in the morning when Hawke had fetched them bright and early for some reason, Fenris was the one to explain that they needed Etta out of the city, not mentioning that Anders had suggested it at all.
“Why?” Hawke squinted at him suspiciously.
Fenris hadn't answered, he didn't have an answer because Anders had never given him one. Fenris was terrified. But Hawke had caved, asking Orana to ask the Dalish to host them for a night.
Trailing behind Hawke with Anders, Isabella , Sebastian, Merrill, and Varric, who seemed to appear from nowhere to look for something to do. They'd heard shouting near the noble quarters.
“I will have order! I will have the tower searched top to bottom!" The voice was knight commander Meredith.
“You can not do that!” First enchanter Orsino rebutted. “We didn't do anything!”
“You harbor blood mages, and I intend to root them out before they infect this city!” Her voice rising.
“Blood magic, where do you not see blood magic?” Orsino snapped. “My people can not sneeze without you accusing them of corruption!”
“Do not trifle with me mage! My patience is wearing thin.” She threatened.
“Ha” Orsino mocked, "It's a wonder, I never saw it to begin with.”
Hawke stepped into their argument. “You know, the way you two carry on, people will talk.” Her tone was suggestive and mocking.
“This is none of your concern Champion.” She admonished Hawke.
“I called her here.” Orsino stated. “I think the people deserve to know just what you've done!”
“What I have done is protect this city time and again. What I have done is protect you mages from your curse and your own stupidity! I will not lower our guard!”
“This is getting us nowhere! Grand cleric Elthina will put a stop to this.” Orsino stated, walking towards the chantry.
“You will not bring her grace into this!” Meredith shouted, grabbing his arm.
“The Grand cleric can't help you!” Anders shouted over their argument. Fenris tensed, watching him square up to the knight commander.
“Explain yourself, mage!” She commanded addressing Anders.
Anders stood defiant. “I will not stand by while you treat all mages like criminals.While those who would lead us bow to their templar jailers!”
“How dare you speak to me tha-” Ordino tried to Interrupt.
Anders continued his speech, voice starting to boom, eyes and body starting to glow as Justice took over. “The circle has failed us Orsino. Even you should be able to see that. The time has come to act!” The glow of Justice faded away, along with the confident posture, now Anders looked small and sad. If Fenris wasn't so terrified of what was about to happen, his heart would ache for him. “There can be no half measures,” Anders continued.”
“Anders, what have you done?” Hawke asked wide eyed and worried.
He looked at her sadly before going on. “There can be no turning back.” He looked at Fenris then. Everyone else looked towards the chantry as it erupted in red light and exploded, the grand cleric and everyone else inside along with it.
“You've doomed us all.” Orsino accused.
“There can be no peace.” Anders finished.
“Maker No! Elthina No!” Sebastian who had been otherwise quiet until then dropped to his knees in anguish. “Blessed be the souls of your children that they return to your hand.” He started praying in the midst of the chaos.
“Why would you do such a thing?” Orsino questioned Anders.
“I removed the chance of compromise, because there is no compromise.” Anders stated confidently.
“The grand cleric has been slain by magic, the chantry destroyed. As night Commander of this city I invoke the right of annulment, every Mage in this circle is to be executed immediately!” Meredith ordered.
“But the circle didn't even do this! Champion, you can't let her do this!” Orsino begged.
“And I demand you stand with me Champion!” Meredith commanded.
“Why are we debating the right of annulment, when the monster who committed the crime is right here?” Sebastian demanded. “I swear to you, I will kill him.”
“It can't be stopped now. You have to choose.”
The look of betrayal on Hawke's face made Anders nauseous. She looked at him with such sad eyes and asked. “Is this why you needed me to distract the grand cleric?” She looked at Fenris. “Is this why Etta needed to be out of the city?”
“Fenris didn't know, I didn't explain why any more than I explained to you.” Anders insisted.
“You were part of this?” Sebastian looked at Hawke.
“You've doomed us all.” Orsino repeated.
“A quick death now, or a slow one later. We were always doomed.” Anders stood his ground.
“This won't be easy, but I'm not letting her slaughter all of these mages.” She looked at Orsino. “I'll defend you.”
The templars attacked, but Hawke wasn't the champion of Kirkwall for no reason, the templars that hadn't left to prepare for battle with Meredith lay dead. Orsino left for the gallows to prepare the mages to defend themselves.
Anders sat waiting for judgement. While Hawke stood paralyzed, not sure what to do with him. “Anders, why?”
“There's nothing you can say to me that I haven't already said to myself. I took a spirit into me and changed myself forever to achieve this. This is the Justice mages have been waiting for for a hundred years. If I die for this so be it, maybe then Justice will finally be free.
“What does everyone else think?”
Isabella spoke up. “You know you aren't going to kill him, Hawke, you never let your friends face the consequences of their own actions. Let him come help clean up his mess.”
“No! He dies or i swear I will return to Starkhaven, I will raise an army, and we will burn everything until I find your precious Anders, there will be nothing left for these maleficarum to rule!”
Fenris stepped in front of Anders, pulling his sword from his back. “No one will touch him, if you wish to attempt it you will have to fight and kill me first.”
“Anders needs to die!” Sebastian demanded. “If it had been me in that chantry, would you still be waffling?”
Hawke whirled around angry. “You know what, I hate you! I try so hard and you just!” She pulled back and punched Sebastian in the face. “I hate you, if you had been in the chantry, Anders would be even less dead somehow! Get up Anders, we're going to defend some mages, and kill some templars!”
Isabella whooped. “That's my girl!” Jumping on Hawkes shoulders, as they all ran to the gallows.
They'd had to fight through wave after wave of templars, demons, abominations. To get there, but they'd made it. Then Orsino had lost his mind, and they'd had to kill him too. They were trapped in a small part of the gallows, they'd have to fight through Meredith and the rest of the templars to escape.
Fenris approached Anders. “Where do we go from here mage?”
“If you want me to leave you alone, I would understand.” He responded sadly.
“Not our relationship mage, when we leave here. Where do we go? It's certainly not safe to stay in Kirkwall. Where, when we go gather our child from the elves in Sundermount, and flee the area should we go?” Fenris repeated.
“You're really staying with me?” Anders wondered in awe.
“I swore I would let no harm come to you, I meant it. You've turned me into an absolute fool, defending these dangerous mages in a hopeless battle we can't possibly win.” He grabbed Anders face and kissed him. “Now tell me mage, when we do win where should we go?”
“Fuck I don't know, I didn't have an escape plan! I expected you or Hawke to kill me. Rivain maybe?” Anders couldn't seem to think.
“We will figure it out!” Fenris promised. “I will let nothing harm you.”
Then Hawke was gathering everyone and leading them out into the Gallows.
“I won't kill my sister for you!” Carver stated, rushing to join Hawke on the battle field. More followed, the knight captain, then the rest of her templars had turned on her, thinking her crazed.
“Hawke! Her sword! It's the lyrium idol from the deep roads, the one that drove Bartrand crazy?” Varric pointed out.
“Yup, we should probably do something about it. I don't know.” Hawke grunted in frustration. The battle began, and the magic in her sword brought the slave statues on the walls to life to attack them. How the fuck had they survived this one?
However it was, they all lived, the knight commander was dead, and the rest of the Templars too afraid of Hawke to try and stop the fleeing mages that had survived.
“Ada! Da!” Etta screamed and ran to them giggling when she saw them trekking up the mountain towards her. She looked at Fenris for a second, and then back at the Dalish clan. “Elfs da!”
“Yes, they're elves, like Fenris.” Anders said fondly and picked her up.
“We did fwower crowns!” She cheered. “We goin home now?”
“No. We're going to go on an adventure and find a new home.” Fenris told her.
“Where?”
“We haven't decided yet, but we'll get there.” He was sure they'd figure something out, they were both used to running.