The Swarla Diaries

by IJKS

Summary:

Dating back to when Carla and Lisa first met, we follow their relationship from enemies, to friends, to lovers through their journal entries. (There is brief Carla/Peter, as it starts during the Stephen Reid storyline but as we know, DS Swain soon dispatches him!). Trying something a bit different to my usual style.

Chapter 1: The First Meeting

Carla

 

8^th October 2023

3:31pm

 

I decided to go to the police today.  I know.  Totally out of character.  When do I ever put my trust in coppers?  And I shouldn’t have bothered as it turns out.  I spoke to that DS Swain and she was literally no help at all.  I told her Stephen had spiked me.  I told her everything and she didn’t believe me.  Well, actually, I think she did believe me but she was about as much use as a chocolate teapot.  She just sat there with a sympathetic look on her face, telling me I couldn’t prove it, that she couldn’t do anything about it.  That there was a long list of people who could have done it, if you please!  I mean, I know I’m not the most popular person in Weatherfield but I don’t think I’ve got a queue of people wanting to put LSD in my tea, thank you very much.  I’m pissed off because I don’t exactly have the best history with police.  I don’t trust them.  The last time I put my faith in them to bring justice against a man attacking me, it didn’t exactly go well, did it?  I had to stand there, in court and tell a load of strangers what he did to me and I wasn’t believed.  I know it was years ago but I still have nightmares about that whole thing now, sometimes.  I guess it’s the kind of thing that never really leaves you.  The damage.  The trauma.

 

But Roy and Nina told me that DS Swain had been really good when Nina and Seb were attacked.  She’d been kind to Nina, really listened, really cared.  She’d handled Abi with care.  She’d fought for justice for Seb, for Nina.  They said she was someone who believed people when they told them something bad had happened to them.  So, I went to the police station.  I even persisted when bloody Stephen and Jenny happened to be outside.  I asked for Swain and she saw me.  And she just wasn’t what I hoped she be.  I mean, she’s this tiny, gorgeous, blonde thing, for starters.  The most amazing eyes.  But I have no idea how she was ever let onto the police force.  She’s about two foot tall.  Isn’t there a height restriction rule, like there is for flight attendants?  I mean, how on earth could she ever overpower someone enough to arrest them?!  Anyway, she did listen but she just… didn’t hear me.  She didn’t rescue me the way I needed her to.  I’m just so disappointed.  I told her he was a threat.  I told I was in danger and she’s doing nothing about it.  What kind of police officer is she?  Apart from a teeny tiny one?  She was fundamentally disappointing.  Hence me making fun of her height to make myself feel better.  I mean, does she have to get on a step ladder to slap cuffs on people?  Okay, I’ll stop teasing her now.  Maybe.

 

Carla

 

8^th October 2023

6:45pm

 

So, DS Swain just came to find me, outside the flat.  To be fair to her, after my ranting earlier, it was to tell me she was/is looking into what I said.  I’m still not happy.  I still don’t like her.  I still feel completely let down.  She basically told me to be patient, to be quiet, to not stir anything up while she works on the case.  I mean, it’s a bit late.  I’ve already had it out with Stephen, in front of Sarah and Michael, haven’t I?  But she warned me not to tell Jenny anything.  I won’t.  For now. 

 

I’m reluctantly trusting her, although I don’t know why.  She’s hardly given me a reason to, has she?  And I’m scared.  I don’t know what that man’s capable of.  These past few weeks have been so frightening, so awful and it’s all because of him.  I thought I was losing my mind!  Again.  She has no idea how that’s felt, what I’ve been through.  She’s probably got some comfy life with a husband at home, maybe a kid or two.  She has no idea what it’s like to be me.

 

Lisa

 

9^th October 2023

03:29

 

It’s been yet another shit day.  They’re just one after the other, after the other.  It started with yet another argument with Betsy.  She is on another warning at school.  I had to go for a meeting with a Head Teacher and Betsy was so mouthy throughout the whole thing.  It was awful.  Embarrassing.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  And who am I meant to turn to for support?  I have nobody.  Mum and Dad are fundamentally unhelpful.  My sister gives brilliant advice that I don’t have the backbone to follow.  I feel completely lost.

 

As for work, today, I let yet another person down.  I just hate that feeling.  It hurts my heart and it keeps me awake long into the night.  Hence the late night writing.

 

Today, a woman came into the station to tell me that her colleague had been spiking her with LSD.  She had proof of the spiking but not of who she’d been spiked by.  The story was awful.  I feel such a passion for protecting women, especially from violent and dangerous men.  I always have.  And this woman was being made to believe that she was experiencing a mental health crisis.  She had a history of it and the effects of the LSD were very similar.  She’d even checked into a clinic; she was that frightened she was relapsing.  She was terrified.  She was angry.  She was also beautiful.  It was so weird.  It’s been almost two years since I lost Becky and I’ve not so much as noticed another woman.  Not once.  But this woman, Carla Barlow was so stunning.  Absolutely breathtaking.

 

But anyway, I let her down.  I did tell her I would absolutely do my best for her.  I even tracked her down later and did my best to explain that I would work on it, asked her to stay quiet about her suspicions so I could investigate quietly and try and get a good outcome for her.  I’ve met the bloke she’s accusing before I do not get good vibes from him.  There’s something not right about him at all.  And there are so many inconsistences with the things he’s been telling me about other incidents.  I am certain he’s involved in other crimes I’m currently investigating.  If I can just find a way to link things together, I can get justice for a lot of people, including Carla.

 

But she was pissed off with me by then.  I’d aggravated her by shutting her down initially, I know.  I’d had to be realistic about her lack of evidence.  I know she was scared, despite her bravado.  And it hurt her.  And I’m so sorry.  I didn’t want that.  I wanted to protect her.  I still want to.

 

But that’s all I seem to do these days.  Mess everything up.  At work.  At home.  That’s my life.

Chapter 2: Stephen Reid

Notes:

Just thought I'd throw and update for this one in as well! xxx

Carla

 

9^th October 2023

7:21pm

 

I did not enjoy today.  I did what DS Swain asked me to do and I went into the factory and apologised to that slimy, smarmy, little shit.  I took back my accusations which I KNOW are true.  I know he drugged me!  I know it!  It made me sick to be nice to him and to have an audience of Sarah and bloody Michael as well.  But I had to do it to make sure he didn’t know I was onto him.

 

What’s worrying me is that I found one way tickets to Thailand in the bin this afternoon.  I mean, he is some shitty criminal if he’s leaving paper trails like that lying around.  I took it straight to DS Swain but she really doesn’t give much away.  I mean, she thanked me and she’s adding it to the case she’s building but I just don’t trust that she’s working on this very fast.  This bloke has drugged me and I am certain he’s been up to way more than that.  And it very much looks like he’s about to skip the country.  And why do people do that?  To escape being caught for crimes!

 

Anyway, I went against DS Swain’s advice and I approached Jenny.  I warned her to be careful of him.  I’m sorry but I had to.  Actually, I’m not sorry.  What DS Swain doesn’t understand is that Jenny isn’t just anyone.  She was married to my Dad.  I mean, it’s a bit weird to call her my step-mum.  My Dad wasn’t even really my Dad.  Roy has been more of a Dad to me.  Johnny sort of turned up later in my life and admitted to having abandoned me to druggies as a child.  But he was still important to me.  I still loved him.  I still miss him.  And Jenny was his wife.  We’ve been close all this time.  Even if she is a bit annoying.  So, I can’t have her be put in danger.  I can’t have her dragged off to Thailand by a dangerous madman.  No.  I did the right thing.  I know I did.  DS Swain can punish me for it later if she wants to.

 

Lisa

 

10^th October 2023

04:35

 

It has been a long bloody day.  I should be long asleep now but I’ve only just got home and I’m in that ‘wired but tired’ mode and I can’t settle.  It’s probably going to be an even longer day tomorrow.  Well, later today.  I had to send Betsy off to a sleepover with her friend, last minute, which didn’t impress her but there were circumstances.  The body of one of the men I’ve been searching for as a missing person just turned up in the canal.  Teddy Thompkins.  And he definitely didn’t fall in.  He was locked in a roof box.  He’s been there for some time.  Poor Craig was nearly sick when he got sight of the body.

 

I am certain Stephen Reid was involved.  He misdirected us from the start, claiming Teddy had gone to Canada to find his son, Leo, who incidentally also turned up dead last month.  And Carla Barlow turned up at the station today with one way tickets Stephen had printed off at the factory to Thailand.  So, he’s clearly not planning on sticking around as everything unravels around him.  I have begged her to stay quiet, although annoyingly (and understandably), she has told her husband everything.  Hopefully he doesn’t have a big mouth and they won’t act on their theories.  Hopefully they won’t interfere with my investigation and just let me do my job.

 

Carla

 

10^th October 2023

10:05pm

 

It’s been a hell of a few days.  Everything I believed about Stephen was all true – and worse!  And now he’s dead.  Peter ran him over in his taxi.  I still can’t quite get my head around it all.  He thought he was going to kill Jenny, so he just put his foot down.  And now Stephen is dead.  I can’t say I’m sad.  I couldn’t stand him.  I mean, I didn’t like him anyway but after what he did to me…  But Peter is very shaken up, understandably.  He’s taken a life.  It’s the life of an absolutely bastard but it’s still a life.  Audrey is traumatised.  He was evil but he was her son.  We’ve all been hauled in for questioning all evening by DS Swain, wanting to know every detail of everything we’ve said and done.  She was pretty angry with me for going against her instructions and telling Jenny what I knew.  She practically blamed me for what happened!  Can you believe that?  I’m not responsible for what that madman has done!  He’s the psycho who killed three people, robbed me blind, drugged me, abducted Tim and nearly killed Sarah and Jenny…  I’ve felt guilty for a lot of things in my life but I am not taking responsibility for this one.  I was protecting Jenny.  I was stopping her from running away with a murderer.  That DS Swain can shove her accusations up her…

 

So, it turned out that Stephen had killed Rufus, just as I told DS Swain.  He had also killed Leo, Jenny’s boyfriend and Leo’s Dad, Teddy, whose body turned up in the canal last night.  He’s also done something to Tim, who is missing.  I can’t think too deeply about any of it, to be honest or I’ll start freaking out about what could have happened to me if I’d said the wrong thing or been in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Poor Sally is beside herself, not knowing what’s happened to her husband.

 

Goodness knows how far things would have got between us.  He actively hated me.  The others just seem to have been in the wrong place at the wrong time.  And he was that keen to get hold of Underworld.  As it stands, he has robbed me of £250K.  Michael gave him access to all the passwords and while Stephen was planning to skip the country, he took off with a load of my cash.  The police are being unsurprisingly crap about all of it.  I asked DS Swain to come down but she sent some pathetic officer instead.  She was useless.  Ugh.  I am so angry about all of it.

 

I had a row with DS Swain about it all.  I was angry with her for letting things escalate, for making me wait and not letting me protect the people I care about.  She was angry with me for interfering in a police investigation and not letting her handle things professionally.  Well, maybe if she was a bit more human and a bit less ‘professional’, things would have worked out a bit better for everyone!

 

But now, Stephen is dead.  Peter is sleeping fitfully beside me and I know he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.  Because whether we’ve said the words or not, Stephen had let Jenny go by the time Peter hit him.  I genuinely don’t know why he ran him over.  He says he thought he was going to kill Jenny, that he was trying to save her life.  I don’t know if that’s the truth or not.  Peter was gunning for Stephen all day.  He was raging over what Stephen had done to me – the spiking, the theft.  And then we’d learned about the murders too.  He’d driven all the way to the airport to stop him leaving, only to be redirected back home after a sighting from another cabbie.  He was desperate to bring him to justice.  Both of us were frustrated by the police being so rubbish at stopping him, at being so ineffective.  I don’t know what Peter saw or thought he saw.  I’m scared to question him, to make him second guess himself.  He is so incredibly fragile.  I am so angry he was put in that position in the first place.  Where the hell were the police anyway?  Why was it left to a bunch of residents to tackle a murderer?  Maybe I need to tell DS Swain exactly what I think of her?  Trying to get me to trust her only to let me down?  I should have known.  Never trust a copper.

 

Lisa

 

11^th October 2023

03:54

 

What a shit day!  I’ve been working so hard on this investigation into Stephen Reid.  I was so close to nailing him.  Three murders, one attempt and today, a kidnapping and attempt murder, plus two assaults.  Plus the drugging of Carla Barlow.  He would have been leaving prison in a bloody box.  But no.  He never made it because he got wind of what was going on and made a run for it.  If only I could slap some cuffs on Carla for opening her big mouth! 

 

I told her to stay quiet.  I told her to trust me.  I was handling things!  I was watching him, waiting for the right moment to bring him in.  Then he got scared and legged it.  And gave us the runaround in the process so we weren’t able to be in the right place at the right time and catch him.  So then, before we could get to him, Peter bloody Barlow decided to run him over and kill him! 

 

Apparently, he was saving the life of Stephen’s girlfriend, Jenny, who Stephen was holding hostage.  But to be honest, something doesn’t add up from all the statements I’ve taken.  Plus, Peter just so happens to be married to Carla?  Carla, who has been scared of/angry with Stephen for weeks?  Something doesn’t sit right with me about that.  And I’ve looked them both up on the computer.  Neither of them are the calmest, most rational people on earth, let’s face it.

 

I am so bloody exhausted.  I have lived and breathed this case for months.  I was so sure I’d get a conviction and The Barlows, between them, have screwed it up completely.  I hated talking to Stephen’s mother.  He might have been a monster but she’s still lost her son.  I know too well how grief feels.  Especially to lose someone in that particular way.  It’s awful.  It’s traumatising.  I live with it every moment of every day.  It lives in my daughter who I came home to way too late tonight, to find she had double locked the door so I couldn’t get in.  When I knocked, she told me she didn’t know who I was.  It took me half an hour to persuade her to let me in my own fucking house.

 

Carla

 

11^th October 2023

7:05pm

 

That bitch came into my house and arrested my husband!  Can you believe that?!  How dare she?!  I’ve really confided in her over the last few weeks.  I trusted her to help me, not that she really has, and now she’s arrested Peter for murder!  He didn’t murder Stephen!  I know he technically killed him but he didn’t mean to!  He was protecting Jenny.  Or, he thought he was.  I don’t know.  It was such a confusing situation.  One minute Stephen was dragging Jenny off towards David’s car.  Then he pushed her away.  Then Peter shot out of nowhere and ran him over.  Peter swears he thought he was saving her and I believe him.  How can I not?  He’s my husband.  He wouldn’t deliberately kill anyone.  It was a snap decision.  He didn’t mean to hurt anyone.  He certainly didn’t mean to kill anyone.  How fucking dare she?!

 

Roy had come over to drop us off some food.  He knew we’d had a rough couple of days after what happened.  The next thing I knew, DS Swain was stood there with Craig, arresting Peter for murder.  I grabbed Adam and waited for him down at the station.  That woman is so infuriating!  I don’t know what it is about her but she drives me mad.  She’s so impenetrable.

 

The only good news today came from Tim being found alive.

 

Lisa

 

11^th October 2023

19:33

 

I had to arrest Peter Barlow today.  If Carla hated me before, she really hates me now.  I genuinely feel bad about it.  Peter was devastated when Craig cuffed him and I read him his rights.  If he ran Stephen down on purpose, he obviously feels guilty about it.  I honestly don’t know if he did or if it was to protect Jenny.  But by all accounts – and there are several of them – Stephen had already pushed Jenny out of the way before Peter knocked him down.  He also threatened him earlier in the day and he’s clearly very protective of Carla, who Stephen had been harming for weeks prior.

 

But I need to figure this all out quickly.  I’m not in the market for wrongful arrests.  I don’t want to do anything unjust.  I was upset by the sad way Carla looked at me when I took her husband out of their flat.  It was like I had betrayed her.  Like we’d built some kind of trust and I’d destroyed it.  But the truth is, I don’t have trust with anyone.  I’m completely alone.  I have been for a long time.  Even my daughter hates me.  Speaking of which, I need to go home.  I wonder what delights will be waiting for me tonight.

 

Carla

 

12^th October 2023

8:43am

 

It has been such a long night.  DS Swain barely bothered to interview Peter last night when she took him in.  She held him overnight and she’s interviewing him this morning.  I mean, why do that?!  Why make him suffer a night in a cell for no reason?  I have a good mind to tell her exactly what I think of her.  But I think I’d end up arrested at this point.  I am so angry.  I am so angry about absolutely everything.  Stephen has decimated my whole bloody life.  My husband.  My business.  Everything.

 

Because while Peter is being interviewed for murder, Underworld is falling apart.  I might actually have to close the factory if I can’t get things back on track in time.  We are hanging by a thread.  No pun intended.  We’re losing clients and orders by the second because of what he’s done, not to mention the money he’s stolen that the police can’t/won’t find for me.  I have no idea what to do.  I can’t pay my staff.  But I can’t lose them either because then we really will fold.  I keep lying to them the money’s coming and I’m just hoping it will do before payday.  I really can’t deal with Peter on a murder charge as well!

 

Lisa

 

12^th October 2023

12:03

 

We had a more coherent interview with Peter Barlow this morning.  He was still raging.  I wish I hadn’t had to hold him overnight but we just couldn’t get a sufficient interview out of him last night.  He’s so angry about everything, which isn’t helping his case.  He is adamant that he ran Stephen down to save Jenny and even said he’d make the same decision if faced with it again.  He just isn’t helping himself.  I don’t want to charge him.  I don’t agree with his methods.  I am furious that Stephen isn’t facing his crimes, of which there are so many.  But I do feel sorry for Peter.  He made a snap decision.  Mistaken or not, he clearly genuinely thought he was saving a woman’s life.  I just need him to explain it properly.  And explain calmly the previous threats he made against him.  This case is so bloody frustrating.  But I’ve been up since yesterday morning.  I need to go home and sleep.

 

Carla

 

12^th October 2023

10:32

 

Peter is back but he’s not himself.  He was absolutely raging, especially when Ken kicked off about the threats Peter had previous made against Stephen.  This whole situation is just so bloody difficult.  Peter thought he was saving Jenny’s life.  But the truth is, he wasn’t.  Stephen had already pushed Jenny away.  But I genuinely don’t think Peter realised that.  He’s not a killer for goodness’ sake.  He wouldn’t have just run Stephen over, no matter how he felt about him.  And do you know what, I’m going to tell that DS Swain that the next time I see her.  Stephen has wrecked my life but she hasn’t helped.  She made me think I could trust her but she’s been like a bloody bulldozer, giving me bad advice and then coming in and arresting my husband for accidently killing a serial killer.  It’s a bloody joke!

Chapter 3: Saving Underworld

Notes:

Hi everyone. Just to say that this chapter has Lisa writing about the assault on Amy Barlow and Carla reflecting on Aiden's suicide.

Carla

 

18^th October 2023

5:08pm

 

I am currently on a last minute flight to Spain, in a desperate bit to lock in a deal that will at least try and repair some of the damage that bastard, Stephen has done to the factory.  Honestly, if this doesn’t go off, I don’t know what I’ll do.  I came back to Weatherfield at the end of 2017 to buy back into Underworld because Aiden was struggling.  The factory has been through some seriously tough times since then.  Tough times that I really don’t want to think about right now.  But this really could be it now.  We might actually go bankrupt and have to close.  All because of Stephen fucking Reid robbing me blind.

 

I have left strict instructions for Sarah to fire bloody Michael.  I am so angry with that absolute muppet!  Letting Stephen literally remove £250K from the business account.  What is wrong with him?!  Is he actually stupid?!  That DS Swain is lucky she’s not investigating another murder!  Apparently, they’re looking into my stolen cash but I’ve heard sod all about it.

 

I’m very worried about leaving Peter, what with everything.  DS Swain is still investigating him and he’s not in a good way.  I’ve made him promise that we’ll talk every night and that he’ll be honest with me about how he’s doing.  I hate leaving him when he’s struggling so much and there’s so much going on in his life but I have to do whatever it takes to save to factory.  I have to.

 

I’ve moved Ryan back into the flat.  He’s struggling to pay rent on the place he shares with Lauren now he’s not doing his livestreaming stuff anymore.  And I think having him as well as Simon around will be good for Peter, especially while I’m gone.  All three of them can look out for each other.

 

Lisa

 

18^th October 2023

19:12

 

I’ve had a long day at work, trying to piece this whole Stephen Reid saga together.  I can’t wait to wrap all of this up.  I am so done with all of this.  I am so pissed off that he will never face justice for everything he did.

 

Tonight, Betsy and I endured yet another awkward dinner.  I love that kid so much and it breaks my heart when she looks at me like she hates me.  She has no idea the amount of tears I’ve cried over her in her life.  I just wish she could forgive me for being the parent that survived.  I wish she could forgive me for Becky dying.  I wish she could forgive me for not handling things the way I should have done.  I just… wish she could forgive me.  I keep letting her down.

 

Lisa

 

25^th October 2023

16:52

 

I made the decision not to charge Peter with murder.  I could have pushed it.  He’d threatened him earlier in the day.  He had motive because of Carla.  There were plenty of witnesses to confirm that Stephen had pushed Jenny away before Peter knocked him down.  Audrey also told us that Stephen had told Jenny he wouldn’t hurt her.  But Peter couldn’t have known that.  In fact, when I told Peter he’d said that, he looked absolutely gutted.  It was all the proof I needed, really, that Peter would never have done what he did if he hadn’t thought Jenny’s life was in danger.  He genuinely thought he was saving her.

 

I don’t know exactly how I thought he would respond to the news but he genuinely surprised me.  Maybe I thought he’d be cocky or arrogant.  But he just sat here.  Kind of just broke down.  I think perhaps the enormity of everything that happened, hit him.  It was like he couldn’t move.  Couldn’t breathe.  I genuinely feel sorry for the guy.  I mean, I’m still pissed off about the whole thing.  But I do feel sorry for him.

 

Carla

 

25^th October 2023

10:01pm

 

I’ve just got off the phone to Peter.  He has been cleared of any wrongdoing with the police, as far as Stephen’s death goes.  I am so relieved.  I’m surprised.  I assumed DS Swain would be like a terrier when it came to getting a conviction.  Any conviction.  But she just let him go.  Obviously, she understood Peter’s intentions weren’t malicious.

 

I feel bad that I’m not there for him.  He assures me that he’s fine and I am hoping now that the police investigation is over, he will bounce back to being himself again.  I hope he can put this whole sorry mess behind him.

 

The plan is for me to come home on 6^th November.  I have made a lot of contacts out here, so I am hoping to come home with more than a couple of contracts for Underworld.  I have got to claw back something of the mess Stephen left behind.  It’s also nice to get a bit of sun and a bit of a break away from Weatherfield, when I’m not at meetings or doing prep for those meetings, if I’m being completely honest.  The hotel is nice.  There’s a bar.  There’s a pool.  I’m getting some time to myself.  I don’t actually want to go home.  Does that make me a terrible person?

 

Carla

 

6^th November 2023

4:11pm

 

I am at work.  I am avoiding going home.  I only arrived back this morning and I’ve already hit the ground running.  I got back and the flat was an absolutely pigsty.  Peter and the boys have been living in shit while I’ve been away.  Then Peter and I fell out because I found a bottle of whisky was missing and I thought he’d drunk it.  He hadn’t.  Simon had pinched it to give to a mate.  But Peter was understandably hurt that I accused him.  I didn’t mean to.  It came from concern.  Only concern.  I think anyone would have been concerned at the state of him.  Or, they should have been.

 

I spoke to him every night while I was away and he told me he was fine.  Why didn’t anyone contact me and tell me he wasn’t?  Obviously, I would have come back sooner if I’d known what a mess he was.  He told me he’s been really struggling since what happened with Stephen.  Simon told me that Toyah has been giving Peter lots of support and they’ve been spending loads of time together.  I mean, I don’t know what I’m meant to do with that exactly.  Am I meant to be concerned?  Jealous?  I’m not.  I know they’re exes but Peter and I are solid.  I certainly don’t think he would cheat on me.  Not again.  To be honest, I don’t think he’s in any fit state right now.

 

Well, then I got to the factory and found that Sarah completely ignored my instructions and didn’t fire Michael.  Obviously, I was livid.  But then Michael’s designs saved the day on a deal so I’ve had no choice but to keep him on.  I’m not happy about it though.  I am still so angry about what he did.  I know it wasn’t malicious but it was stupid and that stupidity has put my livelihood and the jobs of all my staff in real danger.

 

Lisa

 

6^th November 2023

20:12

 

I was off work today.  Well, sort of.  I took all my paperwork home to work through.  I hate days off.  I used to love them.  Becky and I usually tried to have our days off together if we could.  We’d sent Betsy off to school and then dive back into bed.  Not to sleep.  We’d have such wonderful, happy days together, just the two of us.  Sex.  Food.  Cuddling up on the sofa for a film or a Netflix binge.  My heart hurts just thinking about the fact that I will never get to do that with her again.

 

Then I start to think… will I ever meet someone I could do that with?  I don’t think so.  It would feel like such a betrayal.  And Betsy would go mad.  I just don’t think I could allow myself to connect with someone again, be close with someone.  And yet, when I’m lying alone in bed, I ache for it.  Not just sex, although I miss it terribly… but just to be held by someone.  Even just for a few moments.  To be held in someone’s arms, to have them make me feel safe, loved.  I long for it.  But I know I can never have it.

 

Lisa

 

7^th November 2023

15:30

 

My latest local arrest was Bernie Winter, a petty criminal who has been arrested more times than I’ve had hot dinners.  I took her in for handling stolen goods.  I mean, really, we want the people she’s mixing with.  She had Joel Deering as her duty solicitor, which was frustrating, as he’s really good.  But we’ll get to the bottom of it.  We always do.

 

I’m expecting some kind of shitty phone call or confrontation from Carla Connor at some point soon.  We haven’t been able to trace the money that Stephen stole from her factory.  She’s £250K down, which isn’t exactly a small sum.  I hate the idea of that kind of loss.  But I’m still trying to tie up three murders.  I just don’t have the resources to continue to commit to the money as well.  I have tried.

 

Carla

 

8^th November 2023

2:09am

 

It has been one hell of a long day.  It started this morning when I completely put my foot in it, slagging that Crystal off, only for her to appear behind Ryan, having spent the night with him!  Awkward!

 

Last night, I stayed fairly late at the factory, having a drink with Sarah.  I just didn’t want to go home.  It was good to talk to her.  I was honest.  I admitted I didn’t know if I had the energy to save both the factory and Peter.  It’s the truth.  I’m struggling.  I have a huge fight on my hands with the factory.  And Peter is struggling to hold himself together.  I want to help him.  I need to help him.  He’s put me back together enough times.  It’s what you do for the people you love.  But I feel like a load of pipes have burst and I don’t have enough hands to stop all the floods at once.

 

I bumped into Toyah and she was very quick to reassure me that she and Peter were not having an affair.  I burst out laughing.  Honestly, my business is falling apart, as is my husband.  Being worried about him copping off with her is really the least of my worries.  I’m pretty sure I know by now the signs of Peter getting his end away and him moping around and looking like a sad puppy, is not one of them.  He’s not even trying to sleep with me at the moment, let alone anyone else and when he was shagging Tina, he was all over me.  Guilt sex, I guess.  But I’m too stressed to think about all of that.  Me getting angry and sad about the past is not going to help our relationship.

 

We agreed to forgive and forget the misunderstanding about the whisky yesterday, at least.  I spent the rest of the day having a complete meltdown at work.  I had to lie to all the staff about the money – which the police can’t/won’t trace – and persuade them to work overtime to complete the order, even though I haven’t actually paid them for two weeks.  They got wind of my lies and staged a walkout, leaving us up shit creek without a paddle to be found.

 

Peter attempted to talk them round and only pissed them off more by essentially blaming them for the situation we’re in – for siding with Stephen, letting him get away with drugging me and everything.  I mean, he’s not wrong, really, but it didn’t help.  He did save the day in the end though.  He brought Evelyn, Roy, Nina, Sally, Kirk and Simon all in to work all through the night to get it done with Sarah and me.  Sally persuaded Izzy to come back too.  Sally was actually really sweet and told me how much I had supported her when she was going through her cancer treatment.  Izzy said that Sally had reminded her how kind I was during Covid.  It honestly got me a bit emotional.

 

Anyway, we completed the order, which is such a relief.  I’ll need to be up and out early tomorrow to make sure Kirk gets it all off okay.  But I can’t sleep right now, despite how tired I am.  Peter has gone straight to bed.  I’m restless.  After we finished everything, Peter came up to me and said he’d had a call from his friend, Mickey (I’ve never met him).  He’s crewing a boat from Majorca and Peter has this bright idea that he and I could abandon Weatherfield and join the crew!  I mean, is he insane?  Has he actually met me?  Obviously, I said no.  But he was clearly disappointed.  I feel bad but a sailor’s life is not for me!  I’ve just spent nearly twenty four hours fighting to save my business.  I’m not about to abandon it to go sailing the seven seas.  It’s ridiculous!

 

Carla

 

8^th November 2023

10:22pm

 

The order was delivered on time, which is such a relief.  It’s such a weight off my mind.  It also gave me the chance to breathe and get my priorities in order.

 

This morning, Peter apologised for putting pressure on me about the boat thing.  I went to work to sort the order but I just couldn’t stop thinking about him.  Worrying about him.  Feeling like he thought work was more important than he is.

 

So, I came back and I told him I loved him.  I told him how grateful I was for helping me get the order sorted.  And how important he was to me.  Then I took him to a meeting.  I need to help him get right.  I need to get him to a point where he feels safe, secure.  He didn’t mean to kill Stephen but he did still kill him.  He took his life and it has affected him deeply.  How could it not?  He needs my support.  He needs the support of his peers.

 

The meeting wasn’t easy.  He talked a lot about how guilty he feels about killing Stephen, how it plagues him, how it’s changed him as a person, who he thought he was.  He says he’s struggling to move past it.  He doesn’t know how.  I didn’t talk.  But I listened.  I feel so worried about him.  I just want him to be okay.  I need him to be okay.

 

Lisa

 

8^th November 2023

22:56

 

I charged Bernie with handling stolen goods today.  She was not impressed.  But then, she shouldn’t have done it, should she?

 

Speaking of things that shouldn’t have been done… I had a huge row with Betsy tonight.  She was being so rude to me.  I tried really hard to be the better person, to ignore it, let it go over my head.  I made us dinner.  I was nice to her.  But she was firing comment after comment, trying so hard to get a rise out of me and eventually, I snapped.  We argued.  She stormed upstairs.  And I haven’t seen her since.  It’s been a miserable evening.

 

Lisa

 

15^th November 2023

18:45

 

Amy Barlow was arrested today.  First, she got into an altercation with some lad who was harassing her and her friends, who were protesting for the safety of women.  She lost her rag and threatened him just as some of my colleagues were in the vicinity.  Unofficially, I can completely understand why, from Amy’s perspective, she was furious that it was her, not the lad, that the officers laid into.  I gather he and his mates were saying all sorts to them.  But it was Amy who got into trouble.  But then she lost her temper and decided to trash a police car to make her point and got herself arrested.

 

I decided to take over the interview, as soon as I saw her name and found out what had happened.  It just didn’t sit right with me that she was sat in an interview room with a lone male officer, especially the one who she’d had the incident with.  Plus, Amy is one of those cases that keeps me awake at night.  There’s a few, actually.  But Amy is definitely one of them.  I find it absolutely galling that the CPS decided that there wasn’t enough evidence to charge Aaron.  It was so clear that he raped her.  So clear.  He practically admitted it.  But no.  Every rape victim has to be angelic and made of porcelain.  They have to react in the exact right way to trauma.  It’s fucking ridiculous.  A rapist can behave however they like and it’s not proof of guilt.  A victim though…  It makes me sick.

 

I so wish I’d been able to do more for Amy.  I told her as much today.  I begged her to change how she’s reacting to what’s happened to her because I can only protect her from the law so far.  If she breaks the law and the police can prove it, she will be arrested and that’s not what she needs.  She needs love and support and healing.  She does not need to take the law into her own hands, trying to get justice that won’t come.

 

She seemed shocked when I let her go.  I might well get into trouble for it.  I mean, she graffitied a squad car.  It’s not something we take lightly.  But I just can’t see her in trouble, not after everything she’s been through.

 

Carla

 

15^th November 2023

7:56pm

 

I worked this morning and spent the afternoon with Peter.  I’m trying to strike a balance between the two most important things in my life.  But it’s hard.  The factory is still struggling.  I need to be there to steer it right.  This really isn’t the time to be slacking off.  But I also need to be there for Peter.  I heard him the other day.  I heard how much he’s struggling.  I can’t let him suffer by himself.  When Aiden was depressed, nobody even knew.  Then one day, it was too late.  He was just gone.  Nothing but a note and all our grief left behind.  I cannot let anything bad happen to Peter.  I can’t.  Not while I have breath in my lungs.

 

Apparently Amy was arrested today, for vandalising a police car on some protest.  Steve and Tracy are outraged that she was dragged into the station when she was expressing her rage at injustice to women.  But get this, DS Swain let her go without charge.  Swain!  She graffitied a police car and DS Swain let her go.  I mean, that doesn’t sound like her, does it?  She’s normally so rigid and harsh.  She’s all THE LAW IS THE LAW!  Maybe she feels guilty for not getting that lad convicted.  Maybe it’s given her a weak point when it comes to Amy.  Well, good to know she has one.  I thought the woman was made of metal or something.  Not that I care.  It’s not like I think about her loads or anything.  I don’t.  I just thought it was interesting.  Today.  That she was kind.

 

Carla

 

18^th November 2023

1:29pm

 

I am being screwed over by my own workforce.  It’s absolutely ridiculous.  I finally managed to pay everyone their wages.  But I can only pay everyone next month if we complete the current order.  And I can only pay everyone if Sean and Beth come back to work.  So, I called them in and basically begged them to return.  Sean agreed.  Beth managed to manipulate a one off payment of a grand out of me.  And then bloody Sean wanted the same.  I’ve agreed and made them promise to keep it quiet.  I can’t even afford to give it to them, which they bloody well know.  If they start talking about it, everyone will demand the same and I’ll be back to square one.  This just isn’t fair.  None of this is fair.

 

Lisa

 

18^th November 2023

16:22

 

So, Amy didn’t listen.  I got called out in the middle of the night last night.  I had to wake Betsy up and explain I’d been called out.  The officers in charge recognised her name and remembered I’d dealt with her a couple of days before and thought I’d be best off attending so I got called in from home.  I hate leaving Betsy.  I know she’s fifteen.  I know she’s fine by herself but there’s something about going out and leaving her in the middle of the night that makes me feel uncomfortable.  Becky, I guess.  It that trauma that has never left either of us.

 

But I got dressed and hurried down to the hospital, where she and her mate, Aadi Alahan had brought some guy called Dan in, having OD’d at a club.  Well, I was suspicious from the start.  Their story just didn’t stack up.  They gave me this bottle of what has turned out to be GBH.  They’re claiming that this Dan was trying to spike Amy in the club she was at but must have drunk the wrong drink.  So, when he collapsed, Amy called Aadi for help and they took him the hospital.  And yet somehow, it took them two hours to get there.  And when I interviewed them separately about it today, they both had different excuses as to why.  When I interviewed Dan about it when he woke up, he claimed that Amy spiked him and then tried to kidnap him.

 

Things got kind of serious.  Amy called Dee Dee Bailey in as her solicitor.  She’s feisty and intelligent and in another life, she’d be the kind of person I would have liked to go for a drink with.  I think she’d be fun.  But a) we’re on different sides of the law and b) I don’t do friends or fun anymore and I certainly don’t go for drink with people.  Oh and c) nobody ever wants to be my friend, especially not cool people like her.  That’d be like someone like Carla Barlow wanting to be my friend.  I mean, talk about setting your ambitions high.

 

Anyway, I interviewed Amy.  I tried to get the truth out of her but she wasn’t giving me anything.  I felt… well, I still feel pretty angry over the whole thing.  I had a full and frank conversation with her only three days prior.  I let her off with criminal damage.  I told her to give herself a proper chance to move on and she just threw it back in my face.

 

I set Craig the job of investigating Dan intensively.  If I couldn’t get Amy off from what she’d done then I needed to find another way.  This was way more serious than criminal damage.  She could have done a five year stretch for this, ruined her whole future and why?  Because we failed to get justice for her for being raped.  It just wasn’t right.  Craig found a load of complainants against Dan, people who had accused him of drugging them, opening up various investigations against him, which mean we had no choice but to drop the investigation against Amy.  I was so delighted but of course I didn’t let it show.  I pretended to make Dee Dee drag it out of me, like I hadn’t deliberately found the information out myself on purpose so I could let Amy go – for the second time.

 

P.S. I don’t want to be friends with Carla, by the way.  I don’t even like her.

 

Next time... Lisa and Betsy bond over Becky's birthday, Carla is protective of Ryan and Carla and Lisa endure difficult Christmases... 

Chapter 4: Goodbye to Love

Notes:

A bit of a long one, to cover the Christmas period of 2023. I have skipped over Becky's anniversary, as they never covered it in the show and I didn't want to get the date wrong, in case they cover it in the future! But I have added in Becky's birthday. Special thanks to Swarla_Fan for all her encouragement.

Carla

 

20^th November 2023

11:12am

 

It’s been another crazy busy day at work while we try to get this order complete.  I feel like we’re constantly fighting against the clock.  And I’m desperately trying to find more and more clients so we don’t end up back in the shit.  Not that we’re out of the shit.  I’m starting to wonder if we’ll ever be out of the shit again.  How many times can I write the word ‘shit’?  Shit.

 

And when I come home, I have Peter to deal with.  He’s just so sad all the time.  He’s constantly moping around and my energy is so drained.  It’s like I’m on fire at work and zapped of everything when I get back home.  It’s really tough right now.  I’m trying to be everything for everyone.  I haven’t had time to buy any Christmas presents or anything yet.  I’ve just got no space to breathe.

 

I’ve just been out for coffee and I saw DS Swain leaving the florist with a teenage girl.  They’d bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  She obviously wasn’t working today, as she was in jeans this blue hoodie.  She had her hair down and looked really different.  I wonder who the flowers were for.  And I wonder who the kid was.  Her daughter, maybe?  They looked very alike.  Yeah, it was probably her kid.  I almost went over to say hello and then I thought, what are you doing?  She’s not your friend.  She doesn’t even like you.  And she arrested your husband a few weeks ago.  So I avoided her and carried on over to Roy’s instead.

 

Lisa

 

20^th November 2023

23:01

 

I was off work today, as it would have been Becky’s birthday.  I booked leave and let Betsy have the day off school.  We actually had a nice day together, despite the circumstances.  We had a lazy morning, then went to pick up the flowers I’d ordered to lay at Becky’s grave.  I ordered them the other day from Preston’s Petals.  As we were coming out of the shop, I saw Carla Barlow.  She saw me but she didn’t say hello.  I don’t know why I hoped she would.  Maybe it just would have been a moment of feeling a bit less lonely, especially today. Maybe it would have been a way of proving to Betsy I’m not a completely saddo.  I know that’s what she thinks.  She never sees me talking to anyone, never sees me with any friends or knows me to socialise.  Becky was so sociable.  She’s really sociable too.  But I’m such a loner these days.  I find it impossible to get close to people, to trust people.  Losing Bex completely broke me and I just know I’m never going to heal from it.  I’m never going to meet anyone new, not even a friend.  And especially not a partner.  I can’t.  It would be a betrayal of her memory for starters.  But also, part of me died with her.  The part of me that’s loveable.  So even if I did meet someone, it wouldn’t matter because there is nothing in me that that person could ever fall in love with anyway.

 

Betsy and I laid our flowers and then I took her for lunch at this lovely restaurant that the three of us used to love going to together.  It was genuinely nice to spend time with her.  She wasn’t even sharp with me.  We had three courses and chatted very openly about Becky and our memories.  We had a real laugh about all the fun we used to have together as a family.  We had a good cry over how much we miss her.  I feel (hope) it brought the two of us a little closer but this is Bets so I just never know.  Sometimes I feel like we’ve made a connection and then the next time she comes downstairs, everything is back to how it was before and I’m left devastated again.  So, it’s best not to home too much.

 

We went to the cinema after that and watched some ridiculous rom-com.  I don’t even know what it was called.  It was awful.  Becky would have loved it!  Betsy loved it and that’s the most important thing.  I loved watching it with her.

 

So, that was my day.  Another birthday without my wife.  We used to make such a fuss about birthdays.  We used to love spoiling each other and making each other feel special, even if I did fuck it up sometimes with work.  I tried really hard not to, to keep birthdays sacred.  I just miss her so much.  I am so fucking lonely.

 

Carla

 

24^th November 2023

11:43pm

 

Peter is not in a good way.  He’s finally gone to sleep but I can’t settle.  The day started badly when he kicked off at the factory.  Actually, he kicked things off at the factory, which I think is going to have an effect.  I don’t know what the repercussions are going to be.  But he basically barged in and had a go at me and told Izzy and Sarah about the money I bunged to Sean and Beth.  I hadn’t even told him about it, which was kind of the issue.  He felt shut out and he took it out on me in temper.  I tried to explain that I hadn’t wanted to stress him out when he was already struggling.  But then we started arguing about Mallorca, how I hadn’t even considered it.  He said everything was about me and what I wanted, which quite frankly, is a bit rich.

 

He stormed out and I tried to carry on working.  Then I came home to find him and Sean in a huge row.  Apparently, Dylan and this horrible lad he’s mates with, Mason Radcliffe, had nicked the vapes that Simon’s been selling, off him.  They distracted him and ran off with them, although Dylan denies it.  Well, Peter went ape shit and kicked the door down.  Mason legged it but Peter grabbed hold of Dylan – A CHILD – and shoved him about, went through his bag and everything, screaming in his face.

 

Obviously, Sean was livid.  He came round shouting the odds and threatening the police, which is exactly what we don’t need – DS Swain back round here, arresting Peter and dragging him back off for assaulting a minor. I begged Sean’s forgiveness and not to ring the police and he relented for my sake but he was understandably still angry.

 

I then laid into Peter until he completely broke down over killing Stephen.  I mean, he touched on it a bit at the meeting we went to but this was complete and utter brokenness.  I am so worried about him.  Obviously, I pledged me total love and support but it’s so hard.  I am so stressed.  I am finding it so hard to manage everything and I am so worried for Peter and his mental health, even more than I was yesterday and I was pretty worried then.  He’s an absolute mess.  This grief, this anger… I am so scared he’s not going to find his way through it.

 

Lisa

 

24^th November 2023

23:44

 

It’s been another long day.  I had Monday off but every other work day has been very tiring.  And with Betsy, it was like Monday was an amnesty and since then, it’s just gone back to normal.  We haven’t fought exactly but things just feel constantly tense between us.  I am always so scared of saying the wrong thing to her, of upsetting her.  I miss my little girl.

 

And I really miss my wife.

 

I actually dug out my vibrator the other night.  I don’t know what made me do it.  Maybe because I’ve been thinking about Becky so much.  Maybe because I’ve been thinking about how much I miss sex, miss intimacy.  But anyway, I tried and… nothing.  I think I am actually dead from the waist down.  I may as well just chuck the thing out.  It’s useless.  I’m useless.

 

Carla

 

4^th December 2023

12:02pm

 

I am getting a little bit sick of domestic ‘bliss’ at the moment.  I’ve got Peter moping about and Simon is treating the flat like some kind of doss house.  The place is a mess.  I keep telling him to clean up and he says he’ll do it and he never bloody does.  It’s really pissing me off.  Once upon a time, Peter would have kicked him into touch but he doesn’t bother now.  He’s just floating around, looking miserable.  It is so frustrating.  His only suggestion has been that I give Simon a completely unwarranted promotion at work, if you please.  Firstly, I don’t have the money to promote him.  Secondly, he has done nothing to deserve it.  And thirdly, I am working my backside off to keep my staff onside.  I only employed Simon as a favour.  Everyone already calls him Nepo Baby.  Promoting him over anyone else, isn’t exactly going to do much for morale, is it?  So, I don’t think I’ll be taking Peter up on his clever suggestion.

 

On the plus side, Ryan has had a bit of good news.  He’s been invited for an interview at a gym to head up a new social media campaign.  I mean, he’ll be perfect for it.  They’re his two top skill sets – fitness and social media.  There can’t be anyone more perfect for it than him.  He’s very nervous about it but I’m really proud of him.  He’s the only one I actually like living with at the moment.  Is that awful?

 

Lisa

 

4^th December 2023

17:21

 

I had to finish work early to go to Betsy’s school for a meeting.  She is in major trouble for her behaviour.  The same thing happened last year.  And the year before.  Their patience and understanding is waning as the years go past and Betsy continues to blame it on grief.  I know it is grief.  Neither of us have managed to process it, although I have sent her to counsellor after counsellor.  I even sat in on a few sessions at the counsellor’s request but I just ended up feeling like the world’s worst parent.  I have tried so hard to be a good Mum to her.  I know I’ve made mistakes.  Too many mistakes.  I keep making them.  I will probably continue to make them.  But I am doing my best.  The kid hates me, which doesn’t help.  She hated me long before Becky died.  Can you imagine how hard it is knowing your kid wishes you were dead so she could have her other parent back?  It’s really shitty.  Especially knowing that she’s right, it is the way it should have worked out. 

 

Becky would be managing Betsy, work, life, everything a hell of a lot better than me.  They both would have had counselling.  She would have focussed on Betsy rather than work.  She would have recovered from her grief by now.  She’d do the standard things – birthdays, anniversaries and things.  But she was such a sociable, happy person, that she’d probably have met someone.  She’d be going on dates.  She’d be healing.  She’d certainly be able to fuck a vibrator if nothing else.

 

Lisa

 

9^th December 2023

10:10

 

Last night was the Christmas Party.  Honestly, I don’t know why I even bothered going.  I hate socialising, especially with colleagues (not that I have anyone else to socialise with).  I’ve always hated these kinds of events.  The only thing that ever made them bearable was Becky.  Last year, I got away with it.  It was only a year since I’d lost her and it was Christmas and nobody expected me to ‘over it’ enough to socialise or anything.  But what?  I’m meant to be over it now?  I don’t know.

 

Well, I went.  Most of my team were there.  I spoke to Craig a fair amount.  He’s actually very nice when he’s not all nervous.  I chatted to a few of the Detectives on my team.  It was going okay until some woman, a DI, not on my team, asked me out.  I just panicked and left.  I mean, she was nice.  Gorgeous, actually.  But she’s not Bex.  She could never be Bex.  Nobody could.  And anyway, I can’t even have sex with myself.  How could I possibly have sex with someone else?

 

Maybe I should try again.  Maybe I need to relax and think of someone really hot.  I was thinking of Becky last time and then I just felt so sad.  The problem is, I haven’t found another person attractive since before I met Becky.  I mean, there’s Carla.  I think she’s beautiful but that’s just stupid.  I’m not thinking about her while I…  Ugh, this is ridiculous!  Do I even want to wake myself up?  What’s the point?  Just to prove I’m not weird and broken?  Won’t it just make me feel even more lonely?

 

Carla

 

9^th December 2023

11:13am

 

So, I might have got a little bit tipsy with Debbie Webster yesterday.  It wasn’t planned.  We met up in The Bistro and it was just so nice to relax for an afternoon and not have to think about Peter’s misery or Simon trashing my flat or the factory going down in flames (figuratively, not literally – I’m not putting that out into the universe).

 

We got chatting to Ryan, as he was working and he was so excited about this gym job.  The interview had gone really well.  His hope was to take that on but also keep some shifts behind the bar, as he wanted to be able to save up to move out, which I have to admit was disappointing.  I love living with him.  He’s a real light in my life, especially at the moment.  I don’t enjoy living with Simon and as much as I love Peter, I’m not enjoying being around him at the moment either.  I know that will pass and we’ll get back to where we were but these things take time.  With Ryan, it’s just so easy and we have such a laugh together.

 

Unfortunately, while we were there, he got an email from the gym, rescinding the job offer.  Well, I was livid (and a bit pissed) so I dragged him down there (he drove) and demanded to speak to the manager.  We failed and still don’t know what happened.  Ryan is so upset and I’m upset on his behalf.  He so deserved that job.  He would have been amazing at it.  I am so angry.  How dare they offer it to him and then take it away again?  It’s not fair!

 

I’ve got a bit of a sore head this morning, I must admit.  Peter hasn’t been terribly sympathetic.  I don’t know if thinks I’m rubbing it in by going a getting drunk.  Maybe I am.  I mean, I genuinely didn’t mean to.  Debbie just kept buying drinks and I was a bit too weak to resist.  It’s not like I go and do it often.  But I have to admit, it was nice, just relaxing for an afternoon and not having to think about anything, at least not until all the Ryan stuff.  It’s less nice having to work today with a hangover!

 

Carla

 

11^th December 2023

9:36pm

 

Ryan is moving to Glasgow with Crystal.  I am so beyond gutted.  Now this gym job hasn’t worked out (he thinks Daniel sabotaged it because he slept with Daisy – I can’t even begin to unpack that…), he wanted to head off and start afresh.  I am devastated.  I’ve already got Michelle in Ireland.  Kate is travelling.  Johnny and Aidan are gone.  Ryan is the last member of my family here.  Now he’s going off to Scotland.  I’m going to be on my own.

 

I know I’ve got Peter but he’s so distant at the moment.  It’s so hard to communicate with him.  Simon and I… well, it’s complicated.  And I’ve got Roy.  I’ll always have Roy.  But for a 48 year old woman, it’s not a lot of love, not a lot of people to show for her life, is it?  All my family, gone.  Such few friends.  I mean, I do have friends.  There’s Sarah.  The factory lot.  They’re mates.  But I guess I just don’t have anyone that… gets me.  Someone I can look at and she knows what I’m thinking, knows what I need, without me even saying it.  That’s the friendship I had with Michelle.  That’s the connection.

 

I would so love to have that with someone again.  A love that strong, that meaningful.  But I’ve ploughed all my love into my marriage.  And the factory.  I’m not sure there’s anything of me left to give.

 

Lisa

 

11^th December 2023

22:11

 

I had a beast of a day at work.  I was called to a horrific domestic this morning.  The woman had beaten the shit out of her wife, who is now in intensive care.  It was absolutely awful.  Then I had to pull a couple of the lads up on some completely inappropriate remarks about how they thought it was men who were meant to have the reputation for being aggressive, not ‘man hating lesbians’.  I wasn’t impressed.  My afternoon involved interviewing her and keeping them away from her.

 

Then I was just about to go home this evening when I got called to a fight in a pub.  I got smacked in a face during the arrest of one of the blokes.  Betsy was really freaked out when I came home with a black eye, as much as I tried to reassure her I was fine.  It was actually quite nice to see that she cared.  And I am fine.  It was a lucky punch.

 

I bumped into that DI on my way out.  I mean, what are the actual chances?  I’ve never seen her before and then I bump into her twice in as many weeks.  I didn’t speak to her.  I just hurried out to my car.

 

Oh, I’ve thrown the vibrator out.  I mean, what’s the actual point?

 

Lisa

 

15^th December 2023

15:58

 

That Carla Barlow came in to see me today.  She brought Jenny Connor in with her, to ask me about the money Stephen Reid stole.  Honestly, I don’t know what that woman expects of me.  We’re a small police station in Weatherfield, not the bloody Met!  I’m really sorry she’s lost so much money (I mean, I’m fascinated by how rich she – well, her factory - must be!) but I can’t personally get it back for her.  I’m investigating a triple murder – and the rest of Stephen’s crimes.  Just because he’s dead, it doesn’t mean Leo, Teddy and Rufus’s murders don’t matter anymore.  Their families still matter.  Their grief still matters. 

 

I know only too well how much it means to get justice.  Well, to a degree.  We got the getaway driver that ran Becky down.  I wouldn’t rest until we did.  But it’s two years later and I still don’t feel settled by any of it.  I still don’t feel like I know the whole story of what happened to her and it absolutely kills me.  I still lie in bed at night thinking about that last conversation.  About how she was feeling in her last moments.  About how she died without me there.  About how it’s my fault.  About how I can never, ever make it right.  Not for Becky, not for me and certainly not for Betsy.  I know she blames me.  She should.  If Becky and I hadn’t argued, maybe she wouldn’t have made the decisions she made that day, maybe it wouldn’t have happened, maybe she’d still be here and Betsy and I wouldn’t be so broken two years on…

 

So, justice for those men’s families is the focus.  The monetary element is kind of the bottom of the list.  And the amount of police hours it would take to go through Stephen’s entire digital history and find out what he did with the money.  I do feel bad about it but nobody here has time for that.  So yeah, I’ve pissed Carla off. Again.  It’s becoming a bit of a habit.

 

Carla

 

15^th December 2023

9:32pm

 

That copper is absolutely infuriating!  I honestly don’t know what the point of her is.  Jenny and I went down to the police station to ask for help tracking down my £250K and once again, I was completely dismissed.  I’m not sure what I’ve done but I swear that woman just doesn’t like me.  She’s actually being deliberately obstructive now.  She certainly doesn’t want to do anything to help me, anyway.  She completely dismissed me when I was spiked.  She arrested my husband, who has become the shadow of himself since she barged into our home and dragged him out in handcuffs.  And now she doesn’t give a shit about that fact that I’ve been robbed!  She pisses me off so bloody much.  But at the same time…  It’s weird.  I can’t really explain it.  I kind of want her to like me.  Even though she’s absolutely bloody awful.

 

I was already in a bit of a fiery mood after a run in with Daisy.  I saw her and Ryan together and practically dragged him away.  I think I called her a ‘wrecking ball’.  Well, that’s what she bloody well is.  She knew how vulnerable he was after everything with the acid attack.  And I’m not about to blame her for it because what she went through with that awful stalker was terrible.  But Ryan’s life has completely changed because he stepped in and tried to save her.  And then she cheated on her boyfriend and slept with Ryan, knowing exactly how he felt about her.  It’s not okay.

 

Now, it looks like Ryan has lost this gym job because Daniel has sabotaged it somehow – or that’s what he thinks anyway.  I know I’m very protective of Ryan.  He’s my nephew, my friend, almost a son to me these days.  I love him so much and I just want to look after him, make everything okay.  And I can’t.  Except to try and keep him away from Daisy.  She’s not good for him and she’s not going to bring out the best in him.  I know that for certain.

 

Lisa

 

18^th December 2023

20:46

 

I have managed to get Christmas Day off work, after a bit of negotiation.  I was meant to be working, so I was going to have to send Betsy off to my sister’s but I had a meeting with my DI today and pretty much begged to have the day, begged to not be on call so I could spend it with my daughter.  I massively played the widow card.  I’m not even embarrassed.  We’ll still go to my sister’s.  It’ll be better than having to sit there, the two of us, awkward at best, fighting at worst.  But at least we’ll be together.

 

I went shopping after work to try and get a few bits in.  Celebrations, mince pies and like.  An attempt to make things a bit Christmassy, you know.  Of course, I bumped into Carla Barlow while I was there.  I must have looked like a right pig with so much crap in my basket.  I didn’t have any meals or a single vegetable or piece of fruit in there.  I had wine and a load of snacks.  That’s all.  She had some posh meal deal.  A date night in, probably, with her husband.

 

We exchanged some awkward conversation.  I mean, we had to really.  We literally bumped into each other.  It’s kind of sad really.  In a different life, she’s the kind of person I think I’d love to be friends with.  She’s very charming, very strong and feisty.  Very bold.  But she’d never give me the time of day.  Nobody ever does.  Not anymore.  People were only interested in me because they loved Bex.  Since she died, I’ve lost almost all my friends.  I’ve got almost nobody left in my life.  Nobody and nothing.

 

Carla

 

19^th December 2023

1:23am

 

I can’t sleep.  It’s been a really weird and frustrating day.  I hardly slept last night because Peter was snoring so badly.  Honestly, I could have killed him.  And it’s the same again tonight, which is why I’m up and writing my diary instead.

 

Jenny and I approached Audrey again to ask her for Stephen’s journal to try and get some help cracking the password to try and get my money back.  If the police are going to do sod all then I have to try and do it myself, don’t I?  But of course, I lost my temper and Audrey completely shut down and refused to help.

 

Speaking of police, I bumped into DS Swain – literally – in Freshco’s this evening.  I was buying a meal deal for me and Peter.  She was buying all kinds of junk food.  I couldn’t help but tease her a little bit, which I don’t think she appreciated.  She said it was Christmas snacks for her and her daughter.  So, that must have been her kid the other day then?  No mention of a husband though.  Interesting.  Why am I so fascinated by this woman?  I don’t even like her.  I just… I can’t work her out.  Is she a jobsworth or does she care about people?  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  I mean, I’m grateful that she let Peter go.  That suggests that she cares, doesn’t it?

 

Anyway, I think Peter is pissed off with me.  Or disappointed.  I brought the meal deal home in order for us to have a nice evening together.  But then I got called out to the factory because the alarm was going off.  When I got back, we did eat but he was just in a really low mood.  He barely spoke.  He didn’t even want to have sex.  He always wants to have sex.  I felt quite rejected, to be honest.  I still do.  I know he’s struggling at the moment.  I just feel like I can’t reach him.

 

Carla

 

23^rd December 2023

10:20pm

 

Ryan left for Glasgow with that Crystal today.  I am so gutted.  I really didn’t want him to go.  And I am so pissed off with Daniel for fucking up his job with the gym.  I do understand that he is hurt over Ryan and Daisy sleeping together and I do understand the compulsion for revenge but it just felt like a particularly cruel and vindictive thing to do.  Especially as Daisy doesn’t particularly seem to be suffering in any of this and she’s the one who cheated.  And now Ryan has left to start a new life with Crystal, who I honestly don’t think is any good for him.  It’s going to be yet another relationship that doesn’t last.  I’m sorry but she’s just not good enough him.  He deserves better than her and certainly better than Daisy!  I just want him to come home.

 

Speaking of Daisy, I ended up in an argument with her and Jenny today, when Jenny had the audacity to ask me for money to buy the pub!  I mean, is she actually having a laugh?!  Stephen Reid had just robbed me of £250K.  I am busting my arse trying to save the factory.  I’ve got my staff threatening to leave because I’m struggling to pay them.  And she asks for a fucking loan?!  I mean, read the bloody room, woman!

 

Anyway, I was so taken aback, I snapped at her.  Then she started mentioning Johnny and Aidan, which only serve to trigger me further and we started rowing.  Then bloody Daisy waded in, which was a really bad move.  I mean, I have made peace with Jenny now.  I don’t want to fight with her.  She was Johnny’s wife.  He loved her.  And the truth is, I would help if I could and I told her that.  Johnny did love the pub and Jenny does a great job of running it.  It’s been rubbish with the place closed and I don’t want it to pass into a stranger’s hands.  But I’m drowning here.  I have no capacity to be generous.  I’ve got nothing left in the tank.

 

I was meant to have a big meeting today but I ended up passing it over to Sarah when I discovered that Peter had arranged to meet with the mother of his donor.  I was a bit hurt because he arranged it all without telling me.  He shut me out of the whole thing.  He said it was because I was so busy with everything going on at the factory and he hadn’t wanted to pile more on but this was such a massive thing.  Surely he should have known that I would have wanted to be involved?

 

The woman, Val, was lovely.  She told us all about her son, Jamie.  And she was amazing about Peter and his addiction and that being the reason why he needed the transplant.  Honestly, she was wonderful.  She said everything Peter needed to hear – I hope.  Afterwards, we talked a bit about the transplant.  He was very wistful about all the plans we made and never followed up on.  I’m worried.  He just seems so fundamentally disappointed with his life.  And I can’t help but think he’s disappointed with me, with us.  And I’m… not.  I like my life.  I mean, it’s all a bit shit right now.  Everything’s stressful but even that… I like.  I like the fight, the pressure.  I thrive on it.  Maybe that’s the problem.  Peter’s got nothing to thrive on.

 

He received a postcard from his friend, Mickey today, to say there’s still a place for him on the boat.  I have this horrible, horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I know what we need to do.

 

Lisa

 

23^rd December 2023

23:58

 

So, the pay off for getting Christmas Day off is that I am working round the clock in the lead up and I will also have to work Boxing Day.  I can’t seem to get a read on Betsy.  Is she annoyed that I’m working so much over the holidays?  Does she care?  Does she even give a shit that I’m spending Christmas Day with her?  I honestly don’t know.

 

Of course, Christmas evenings are hell.  We’re constantly getting call outs, mostly to pubs where people are drinking too much and behaving like absolute arseholes.  It’s not usually my remit but it’s all hands on deck at Christmas.  Tonight, I attended three fights and a domestic.  I hate domestics.  I find them really upsetting.  I busy myself with the victim because I feel like in what could be the worst moment of a person’s life, they need someone who will take care of them, make them know they have someone on their side.

 

I know people think I’m harsh and unyielding and that I don’t care but I do.  They have no idea how cases plague me, how they keep me awake at night; how they affected my marriage, my family.  I have to stay professional, always.  But so many times, when I’m saying the words I’m meant to say, I feel like I’m dying inside.  I just want to hug a victim, tell them everything is going to be okay.  But I can’t.  Because it might not be true.  What I can do is make sure they know I will do everything I can for them and ALWAYS treat them with the respect and care they deserve.  That’s what’s in my control.

 

Lisa

 

Christmas Eve 2023

19:31

 

I managed to leave work earlier than scheduled so that I could get home and spend Christmas Eve with Betsy.  And… she’s in her room and has barely grunted at me since I got back.  I’m so irritated.  I just wanted to spend some time with her.  I feel like she’s always trying to punish me.  I do know I’m not to best Mum in the world but I do try.  I do.  I wish she’d meet me halfway.  Sometimes.  Just sometimes.

 

Somehow, I’ve managed to get ahead of the game and I’ve already wrapped her presents.  They’re all under the tree, ready for her to open in the morning and then we’re going to my sister’s for Christmas lunch.  I’m dreading it, to be honest.  It’s not that they won’t make the effort.  And I’m not being ungrateful.  Well, I’m trying not to be.  It’s just… so hard without Becky.  She loved Christmas.  We used to have wonderful Christmases together.  She cooked.  I pretended to help.  It was actually one of the only times that Betsy and I used to spend more time together than her and Bex because Bex was so busy in the kitchen.  Betsy and I used to watch films in the lounge; when she was little, we’d play with all her toys.  It was such a special time.  But since Becky died, the day has just been so sad, so empty and it feels like it will never be a happy day again.

 

Carla

 

Christmas Eve 2023

9:32pm

 

It has been a very emotional day.  I attended a friends and family AA meeting with Peter and it was… a lot.  I pushed him to talk about how he’s really feeling and part of me is glad I did it and part of me wishes I hadn’t.  Because it all came pouring out.  He says he feels hopeless, directionless and that he has nothing in his life.  I mean, it hurts.  It hurts to hear him talk like that.  I’m trying not to take it personally.  Because one of the central things I have in my life is obviously him.  So, if he feels he has nothing then he obviously doesn’t think much of me, does he?  It makes me question our whole relationship.

 

We talked about it later and he said that I’ve got the factory.  That I’m passionate about it.  And he has nothing that he feels passionate about.  I understand what he’s saying.  I know he likes being a cabbie.  It’s something he’s good at.  But I also know it was never his life’s ambition.  I know he doesn’t rush to work with a burning desire to do his job.  He’s been drifting for a while, I think.  And I hate that he’s so unhappy.

 

So, tonight, I contacted his mate, Mickey, to talk to him about Peter joining him on his boat.  Mickey said he can wait for him on Boxing Day.  So, I’ve booked Peter a one way ticket to meet him and join his crew.  It’s a risk.  I told Sarah and she was shocked.  I’m shocked.  I am blowing up my marriage.  I’m sending my husband away.  But I can’t make him stay here.  He wants to leave.  He needs to leave.  He needs to be free.  And he won’t go voluntarily.  He won’t leave me.  He would stay here and be unhappy just for us to be together.  I don’t want to go.  This is my home.  I’ve got my business here, my life.  I’ve got Roy.  I am not born for a life at sea. But Peter needs this.  I know he does.  So, if he won’t jump, I need to push him. 

 

I know he’ll be upset at first.  He’ll think I’m rejecting him.  I’m not.  I love him.  I’ll always love him.  But I think we’re coming to the end of our story.

 

Lisa

 

Christmas Day

22:08

 

It’s been a difficult Christmas.  Another without Becky and it’s not getting any easier.  Whoever said that time heals was talking absolute bollocks.  I miss her so much.  The way she lit up every room, every occasion.  Sometimes I wonder how I ever got so lucky as to be with her in the first place.  I’ve never been particularly outgoing.  And she was always so bright, so bubbly.  Everyone always wanted to talk to her and spend time with her and she always had that way of making people feel special, even if she was meeting them for the first time.  I was so incredibly lucky that out of all the people she could have met and dated, married… she chose me.  I had the honour of being with her for so many years.

 

I miss the way she and Betsy loved each other, even the way they ganged up on me.  If I’m being completely honest, I often felt excluded, sad, when they had their little jokes that I wasn’t part of.  But I’d do anything to feel excluded from that now.  Now, our house is just so empty.  Betsy and I just sit with our grief, neither of us able to share or comfort each other.  She’s just so full of rage all the time and I don’t know how to communicate with her.  Becky would have done such a better job with her than I’m doing.  She would have had the right words to say.  She would have been able to get her to open up about how she was feeling.  That is, of course, if Betsy had given a shit if I’d died.  The way she speaks to me, shouts at me, throws things, destroys things, tells me at every opportunity that she hates me… I’m not sure.  I think the wrong Mum died, to be honest.

 

I did manage to coax her downstairs in the end, last night.  I tempted her with Christmas Cake and The Muppets’ Christmas Carol.  At first she told me I was lame and she wasn’t a kid but when she heard the beginning of it, as I’d put it on – loud – to try and tempt her, she came down and asked me to start it from the beginning.  We actually ended up cuddled up on the sofa together under a blanket.  I honestly can’t remember the last time we did something like that.  It has been so long since we share that kind of affection.  Everything between us has been so angry and distressing recently.  Well, since Becky died really.  I’ve struggled to process my grief and so has she and rather than pulling together, we’ve pulled each other apart.

 

For Christmas, we were invited to my sister’s house.  It was a real relief to spend the day with her and her family.  Just to be out of here, haunted by our memories for one day.  I have decided I’m definitely going to put this place on the market in the New Year.  We have to get out of here.  Every morning, I wake up and I feel like I’m being punched in the face by Becky’s absence.  It’s like she dies every time I open my eyes.  I drag myself out of bed and sob in the shower, knowing I have to face yet another day without her.  It’s been two years and I still have no idea how I’m meant to face the rest of my life with her gone, the rest of my life alone.  We’ve been together for twenty years.  How can it all be snatched away in an instant?  It’s just not fair.

 

Carla

 

Boxing Day 2023

10am

 

So, Peter’s gone.  I gave him the ticket to meet Mickey’s boat and this morning, I kissed him goodbye and sent him off.  I cannot describe the level of pain I’m in.  But it was the right thing to do.

 

He was so angry with me yesterday when I gave him the ticket.  He saw it as rejection.  He thought I was using all the words he poured out yesterday, about how much he was struggling, against him.  I wasn’t.  I heard him.  I understood that this life, as much as we love each other, wasn’t enough for him.  It’s enough for me.  I’m happy here.  I’ve got him, my factory, my friends.  I’m content.  But him… he needs more.  He needs freedom, excitement, life on the open sea.

 

When he first got the idea about joining his mate on the boat, I saw his eyes light up for the first time in so long.  I knew it was what he wanted.  I knew it was what he needed.  And I knew he wanted us both to go.  But I also knew it wasn’t for me.  I wouldn’t be happy there.  I mean, it’s not that I’m chained to Weatherfield.  I’m not Ken Barlow.  I’ve lived other places in my life.  I’ve travelled.  A bit.  But I’m happy here.  For now.  I mean, not right this second.  Right this second, I feel like I’m in hell.  Because he’s gone and I honestly don’t know what to do.  We were meant to be forever.  Peter and me.  We’ve been through everything together.  How am I meant to live without him?

 

Who knows what my life will be now.  I’m not in a hurry to meet anyone again.  I can’t even imagine it, to be honest.  Peter is the only man I could ever imagine being in love with.  I know it sounds stupid.  I’ve been married more times than most people have had relationships.  But twice, I’ve been married to Peter.  It’s just… always been him.  We’ve always found our way back to each other.  Despite all the shitty things we’ve done to each other.  Well, mostly that he’s done to me, let’s be fair.  But we got past that.  We loved each other.  We’ll always love each other.  And my heart is breaking at the thought of never being with him again.  If I ever fell for someone again, they would have to be so special.  It could never be just anyone.  And I cannot imagine that anyone could ever make me feel anywhere near as safe and loved as he does.

 

After he calmed down and went for a walk yesterday, left me sobbing over Love Actually, we talked.  We spent the night consoling each other, making love, quite possibly for the last time.  I mean, who knows if he’ll ever come back?  If we’ll ever be together again?  But we’re treating it as the end and honestly, this time, it feels like it is.  We’ve decided on no contact.  Or I decided on it.  He was anxious about leaving, about not having me to talk to, to share photos of sunsets with.  Or photos of anything else… 

 

But if he’s heading for a life of freedom, he needs a life of freedom and honestly, so do I.  We need to cut ties and learn to be ourselves again, not each other’s crutches like we have been for so long.

 

So, I’ve just said goodbye to him.  I can’t believe he’s gone.  My heart is broken.  I don’t know if it will ever heal again.

 

Next time... Carla meets a new relative and Lisa struggles with her loneliness...

Chapter 5: Family Matters

Notes:

So, my plans changed and I was able to do an update today! Thank you to anyone reading this one (I'm not sure if it's more than about three people!) but I hope you are enjoying it.

Lisa

 

27^th December 2023

10:11

 

I’m back at work today.  Is it awful that I’m kind of relieved?  Christmas wasn’t awful but it wasn’t comfortable either.  And Boxing Day yesterday was especially tense.  I tried.  I really tried.  I managed to get that off work too so I called Betsy down in the morning and I had a whole list of suggestions of things we could do together.  But she wasn’t interested in any of it.  She said she was tired because of travelling to her aunt’s yesterday and having to put up with rowdy kids all day.  She said she just wanted to chill.  I suggested we chilled together, watched films or a boxset but she just said we’d never agree on anything.  She told me I was being too intense, trying to pressure her to spend time with me on my schedule because I’d be back to work today and it wasn’t fair.  Other kids got their parents for more than two days of the Christmas Holidays.  And then she said she was going to hang out with her mates and left.  So, I watched a box set on my own.

 

There’s no point writing about how much I miss having someone to cuddle up with.  I mean, really, why bother?  Of course I miss it.  I miss Becky every single day.  I didn’t appreciate her enough when I was lucky enough to have her.  I didn’t appreciate those small moments, the ones that matter the most.  Cuddling up together, laughing at the silly things, creating your own in-jokes that only you understand.  Talking about it doesn’t change anything.  It doesn’t make it better.  Nothing is ever going to be better again.

 

Carla

 

27^th December 2023

15:05

 

So, it turns out I have a nephew I never knew I had.  His name is Bobby Crawford and he’s Rob’s son.  That’s why Rob has been calling me over the last week.  He just found out about him.  And today, the lad turned up and my door and somehow or other, I’ve agreed to let him move in.  I genuinely don’t know how that even happened.  He’s weirdly persuasive.

 

Simon has moved out.  He pitched up this morning, after going on a two day bender over Christmas and was really pissed off that Peter left without saying goodbye.  I get it.  I’d be hurt too.

 

I briefly spoke to Ken.  He told me that Peter is on board the ship.  I was so desperate to find out more details.  I was so desperate to contact him myself.  But we agreed.  No contact.  A fresh start for us both.  A clean break.  However much it hurts.

 

I had to break it to Roy that Peter and I had split up.  That really hurt.  Then the gossip mill started at the factory.  Sean and Izzy started trying to be overly nice to me so I ended up packing up and working from home.  It was probably very rude of me.  They were only trying to be kind.  But it was just too much.  I couldn’t cope with people fussing over me.  That was when I literally bumped into Bobby.

 

He spun me this line about how his Mum had cancer and couldn’t look after him anymore.  I checked it all out and it was a load of bullshit.  She’d thrown him out for being unmanageable.  He said it was because she had a new, awful boyfriend who’d slapped him.  I’m not entirely sure what to believe but I ended up agreeing to let him stay on the proviso that he will try and work things out with his Mum.  And he has to stay on the sofa.  This is Simon’s home, regardless of anything that has happened with Peter and it will remain his home.  He will keep his room.

 

Lisa

 

29^th December 2023

13:13

 

I have spent the morning ringing around different agencies to come and look at the house to do a valuation.  I need to sell up and buy somewhere new.  Betsy disagrees.  She has made that very clear.  But we need a fresh start.  Desperately.  I really need 2024 to be different for us both.  Next year will be three years since Becky died and I just can’t keep surviving in this suffocating grief.  This is hell on earth.  I can’t cope with it anymore.  I can’t live like this.  It’s killing me.

 

Carla

 

29^th December 2023

8:21pm

 

I am so pissed off.  Honestly, I think I’ve made a big mistake, inviting that Bobby into my life.

 

First, his mother had all his things delivered to the flat and there is LOADS of it.  I had to drag it all upstairs as well because he has cerebral palsy and struggles with the stairs.  I still don’t know if I am doing the right thing.  Simon has moved out.  He said it doesn’t feel right to live with me without his Dad.  That hurt.  I thought he and I had more of a bond than that.  I guess not.  He has moved back in with Leanne.

 

The sad thing is that he still believes that Peter will be back home soon.  I guess it’s because his Dad has been in and out of his life so many times.  He wasn’t here when he left.  He doesn’t understand that this time, it really is for good.  And Bobby really put his foot in it about Peter.  It really pissed me off, referring to him as an alcoholic and all kinds of insulting things.  He is not going to continue like that if he’s going to continue living here.  Peter might be my ex-husband but he is still the man I’ve loved for a long time.  He’s still the person I was planning to spend the rest of my life with.  It was just that our world was too small for him.  I wasn’t enough for him.

 

But Bobby has moved into his room.  So, I guess I have a new nephew now.

 

And that nephew has pushed things way too far already.  I sent him to the chippy this evening and instead, he took my money to go and get drunk.  And when he ran out of money, he texted me, saying ‘penniless, stranded, help’, so I would go and pick him up!  I mean, are you actually having a laugh?!  Well, the joke’s on me, I suppose because I did!

 

Lisa

 

New Year’s Eve 2023

23:01

 

Betsy is at a party with her friends.  I said I would collect her and bring her home in a few hours, when she is ready.  It’s not like I have any plans or anyone to spend New Year with.  Time was, I would have been at a party or even hosting my own.  I used to really look forward to New Year, once upon a time.  Becky and I used to get really excited about it.  It was always a fantastic chance to look forward and reset.  We loved being with our friends.  After we had Betsy, we started hosting together, so that she could be part of things too.  It was such a beautiful, happy time for our family.  I miss it so much.

 

Tonight, I am home, by myself, watching crap on television.  I can’t even have a drink because I’ve promised to pick Betsy up from her party later.  It doesn’t matter, I guess.  It’s just another day, after all.  I mean, I’m in my forties now.  Maybe I just need to accept that my time is winding down and there just isn’t much else to look forward to.  Maybe I just died with Becky.  Maybe I should have died instead of her.

 

Carla

 

New Year’s Day 2024

11:17am

 

I feel very hungover.  I spent far too much time in the pub last night getting drunk and celebrating the New Year.  But it was a great night and really enjoyed myself.  I am so glad to see the back of 2023, to be honest.  What a shit year.

 

Stephen Reid.

 

Peter Barlow.

 

Both gone. 

 

For good.

 

I have no idea what 2024 is going to bring me.  Let’s face it, every year is a bloody surprise.  But I know this year cannot be as bad as last year so bring it on!

 

I hope I made the right decision, staying in Weatherfield and not blindly following Peter, pretending I would be happy on that boat.  I hope Underworld grows in strength.

 

Maybe I’ll even meet someone at some point.  I mean, there’s no way I’m ready yet.  No way.  My heart hurts too much.  I am nowhere near ready to move on.  Normally, right about now, I’d be looking for a one night stand to help me recover but I’m just not interested.  Shows how much I’ve grown as a person, I supposed!  If I ever do meet someone else, it would have to be someone incredibly special.  Someone who completely steals my heart.  Honestly, I cannot imagine the person who would be able to do that right now.  My heart is so crushed.  But maybe one day.  One day.

 

Next time... Simon struggles with Peter's departure, Betsy puts a spanner in the works and Carla and Lisa bump into each other again another couple of times...

Chapter 6: Squabbles

Summary:

Thank you for your lovely comments. I really appreciate them and you.

Carla

 

22^nd January 2024

5:01pm

 

It has been a really stressful day.  I am really struggling to manage Bobby and Simon at work.  Bobby thinks he can do whatever he wants.  He’s always late and has such a bad, lazy attitude, which is pissing everyone off.  And I honestly don’t know what Simon is on.  One minute, he’s impressing the hell out of me by winning a new contract.  The next, he and Bobby are literally fighting with each other.

 

Well, I set them up on a mates date this evening, after work.  They’re out now so I am just hoping they’ll find a way to bond.  I love them both and I want them to be friends.  Bobby is my nephew and Simon is like a son to me.  I missed my chance to have kids.  That’s something that guts me every day.  Having these boys round to look after, it kind of lights me up inside a bit.  Is that stupid?  I like fussing over them and looking after them. 

 

I wish a had a girl though.  I love my boys but I wish I had a girl to look after.  I guess I don’t have to explain why.  I still hold that sadness inside me.  I suppose I always will.

 

Lisa

 

22^nd January 2024

18:42

 

So, I finally got the house valued today.  Or at least, that was the plan.  I arranged to meet the Estate Agent on my lunch break.  I walked in and nearly cried.  Betsy had skipped school and wrecked the whole house.  She’d trashed furniture, destroyed things, scrawled over the walls.  It was absolutely horrible.  The Estate Agent was clearly embarrassed.  I tried to explain that that was not how I normally kept my home, tried to explain my daughter.  He suggested I fixed things and we made another appointment.  He wasn’t very happy about me wasting his time.  I don’t think I’ll be able to use them in the future!

 

I phoned Betsy.  Unsurprisingly, she didn’t answer.  She eventually came home about an hour ago.  I’m afraid I turned the air blue in my telling off.  I’m making her clean it all up, which doesn’t impress her.  She turned the waterworks on but I’m not budging.  I am so angry with her.  She really embarrassed me.  And wasted my time and the Estate Agent’s.  I know she doesn’t want to move.  But I need to.  I can’t stay here anymore.  My grief is killing me.

 

Lisa

 

23^rd January 2024

19:30

 

Betsy is about halfway through her clean up.  I am remaining vigilant about making her take responsibility for it all.  Once she’s finished, I will call my second choice of agency and get them to come round and do a valuation for us.  Hopefully that other guy hasn’t bad mouthed me to anyone.  I will make sure that I arrange the appointment for a day I’m not working so that Betsy can’t strike again, although I am hoping my punishment has put her off trying this again.  She’s pretty pissed off with me for being so hard on her.  I am not usually very hard on her.  I think Bex would be shocked at how soft I’ve become.  I used to be the tough parent and now I am very aware that I let the kid walk all over me.  It’s guilt.  I know it’s guilt.  Guilt for not being a good enough parent.  Guilt for being the one who survived.  Guilt for being the Mum she didn’t want.

 

Carla

 

23^rd January 2024

9:45pm

 

Well, the mates date seems to have done the trick, as Bobby and Simon are getting on like a house on fire. Unfortunately, there seems to be some kind of row between Simon and Max now.  Something to do with Simon quite fancying Sabrina and saying something unpleasant about Max and his history with that far right group.  I mean, did he have to?  Was it necessary?  It was an awful time and an awful period of Max’s life but he’s done his time and he’s clearly sorry for everything.  We also have to be aware that he was being groomed by the group, manipulated by them.

 

Anyway, Bobby seems to have developed a crush on that Lauren Bolton.  I don’t know much about her other than she was part of the same group Max was involved in.  She was brought up in it; her Dad was part of it.  But she isn’t part of it now and is trying to rebuild her life.  I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, same as Max.  Bobby is smitten anyway.

 

I was in The Rovers, having a drink with Simon and Sally when Billy burst in.  He hadn’t been able to get in touch with Paul or any of the family for ages and was frantic with worry.  I hope things get sorted.  He was out of his mind with stress.

 

Carla

 

24^th January 2024

1:21pm

 

Paul was found safe and sound.  He went off on some kind of camping adventure with Bernie and Gemma!

 

Simon hasn’t turned up for work.  He told me he was ill but I know he’s hungover.  I know he’s lying to me.  I am really pissed off.  I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt but this really can’t continue.  I just don’t know what to do.  I care about him so much but he’s taking the piss out of me.  He’s taking liberties at work because he’s Peter’s son.  Everyone already calls him Nepo Baby and they’re not wrong.  The problem is that when he tries, he’s really good at what he does.  But he hardly ever tries anymore.

 

I was up and out early this morning.  I wanted to clear my head before work so I went for a very rare walk through the park, listening to a podcast.  I was surprised to see DS Swain out for a run.  She is so fit!  I mean, not fit, obviously.  But actually fit.  She was in her running gear and she is really toned and she’s got amazing boobs.  Hang on, maybe I do mean fit?!  What am I talking about her boobs for?!

 

Anyway, we stopped and talked very briefly because it would have been rude not to, as we literally crossed paths.  It was fairly awkward but polite.  She said she runs a few times a week to clear her head before work.  I wondered how she had the energy – I was barely managing a walk!  It made her laugh anyway.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard her laugh before.  She has a nice laugh.  It makes her eyes light up.  She has very pretty eyes.  What is wrong with me?!

 

Lisa

 

24^th January 2024

14:02

 

I went for a run this morning, like I usually do.  I was surprised to bump into Carla Barlow at the park.  We talked very briefly.  She commented that she was impressed with me running before work when she could barely manage a walk.  I was pleased with the compliment.  I like talking to her.  I like looking at her, if I’m being really honest.  She looked particularly amazing this morning.  But let’s not go there.

 

I managed to get hold of someone at the Estate Agents.  They’re coming tomorrow to do the valuation.  I’ve got the day off and Betsy has promised not to mess anything up.

 

Lisa

 

25^th January 2024

12:13

 

So, we’ve had the house valued and I can officially put it on the market.  I am one step closer to getting out of here.  It’s not to say I’m not sad to say goodbye to this place.  I am.  This is our home.  This is a place of such happy memories.  But those memories are wrapped up in so much grief, so much sorrow and so much loss.  I am never ever going to be able to move on, move past this devastation while I wake up in mine and Becky’s bed, mine and Becky’s bedroom every morning.  I can’t function while with all this sadness suffocates me.  If I’m going to save my life, I have to try and find a way to distance myself from all this pain.

 

Yesterday, I couldn’t stop thinking about Carla, after I saw her.  That’s a way to distance or distract myself, I suppose.  She really is beautiful.  I know it’s stupid… to have an unrequited crush.  I mean, it’s not even that, really.  It’s not strong enough for that.  It’s just that she’s the first person I’ve noticed, the first person I’ve found attractive since Becky died.  Her cheekbones.  Her hair.  Her smile.  Her eyes.  Her figure.  She’s just gorgeous.  Absolutely stunning.

 

What the hell am I saying?  Becky, I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.

 

Carla

 

25^th January 2024

4:19pm

 

It has been the most frustrating day.  Simon turned up to work, had a huge go at Sally and Beth and then, when Kirk twisted his ankle and couldn’t drive to deliver and order, refused to take over.  I realised that it was because he’d been drinking but I didn’t say anything.  However, he gave me a load of lip, including making some digs about Peter, which hurt a lot.  So, I fired him.

 

Of course, Leanne charged down to the factory and had a right go at me.  I told her exactly what happened but she wouldn’t accept that her precious boy was in the wrong.  She just accused me of pushing Simon out in favour of Bobby, which really isn’t true. 

 

I was gutted when Simon said he was moving out.  I love that boy and I didn’t want him to go.  He chose to leave.  He hurt me by leaving and saying it didn’t feel like his home without Peter there, like he and I had no kind of relationship.  Like I mean nothing to him.  And then he goes on benders and starts taking his shit out on everyone at work.  No.  That’s not okay.

 

Lisa

 

29^th January 2024

17:10

 

I was really impressed with Craig today.  Yesterday, he flagged up a fire that recently took place at a local builder’s yard.  He thought it could have been an insurance job.  The owner has been in a lot of debt and has a gambling problem.  The fire endangered the life of his son.  He clearly felt bad raising it, as the family are friends of his but he felt like it was too important an issue to leave, what with the son, Michael, having nearly died.  I was proud of him and I made sure he knew it.  He’s a good officer.  He just lacks confidence sometimes and I think the more he’s encouraged, the more his confidence will grow.

 

Well, the fire report came back today and it seems to validate Craig’s theory.  I gave it to him to read and then we hauled the owner of the business, Ed, in for questioning.  His daughter, Dee Dee, who I am already familiar with, acted as his solicitor.  He denied everything.  Said it was all an accident and that of course, he would never have put his son, Michael’s life in danger.  But I’m not convinced.  I don’t think he would have known Michael was in there.  But people do desperate things at desperate times.  They don’t always mean for people to get hurt.

 

We’ve got someone coming to look at the house tonight.  I’m waiting for the Estate Agents to bring them now.  Betsy has decided to stay at her friend’s house because she doesn’t want anything to do with it, she says.  I don’t want to hurt her but I know we both need to get out of here.  It’s the best for both of us, even if she doesn’t understand that yet.

 

Carla

 

29^th January 2024

7:18pm

 

Leanne sort of apologised today.  Well, she ‘explained’ whilst making it very clear that she wasn’t apologising.  But she was technically apologising.  It’s the best I was ever going to get, I think.  She was a right cow, yesterday.  I get it.  She’s protective of her boy.  But it hurts that she doesn’t understand that I’m protective of him too.  I love him.  He’s her son.  I know that.  But I’ve helped to raise him too.  I love him too.  He’s Peter’s son.  Peter’s been my husband for a long time.  Simon has lived with me for a long time.  I’ve tucked him into bed, read him bedtime stories, washed his clothes, made his breakfast.  He’s the only kid I’ve ever had.  But people forget it.  People don’t see me as a Mum.  They forget that I had that chance taken away from me.  They forget all that love I have inside me that I have nobody to give it to.  Because she died.

 

But there’s Simon.  There’s Bobby now.  There’s Ryan.  I have lots of people that I look after.  That I love.  And Simon… he hasn’t always been a grown up.  I mean, he isn’t all that grown up now, really.  But I’ve been with Peter a long time, on and off.  I’ve loved that boy since he was a… boy.  So yeah, it hurts.

 

But I’m a big girl.  I can let it go.  I accepted Leanne’s ‘explanation’ gracefully.  I listened to her waffling on about how worried she is about how Peter’s departure is affecting Simon.  Anyway, I had a little think – by which I mean, I had a chat with Roy – and actually went against his advice and decided to give Simon his job back.  But, I didn’t need to, as he has very excitedly told me that he’s been in touch with his Dad and been offered a place on the boat.

 

I am really happy for Simon.  He was so thrilled about it all.  My heart twinged a little, picturing how settled Peter is.  I am happy for him.  I am.  It’s what I wanted.  Of course it is.  That’s why I sent him away.  But at the same time, it’s hard.  He’s off following his dreams and I feel like I’m just floundering.  I feel like I’m never going to be happy again.  How can I be?

 

Carla

 

31^st January 2024

3:11pm

 

I decided to give Simon’s job to Bobby.  I figured it would be a way to show Bobby that he’s someone I trust and care about.  And also, it might give him a kick up the bum and make him take his job more seriously.  So far… it’s not really working.  He’s definitely lazy.  It’s pissing me off.  But he’s new.  He’s finding his feet.  I am sure I can mould him into someone worth employing.  I’ve worked with worse.

 

Unfortunately, I think I acted too soon.  I met up with Simon in the pub this afternoon.  I wanted to take him to lunch and give him some spending money to go away with.  He told me the job with Peter had fallen through and he was staying, taking on a job at The Bistro instead.  He tried to pretend that he was fine about it but I knew how gutted he was.  Peter has let him down yet again.  What’s that?  The millionth time now?  I am so devastated for him.  He’s out there, free on the ocean, living his best life, knowing Simon’s struggling and he couldn’t make room for him.  It’s not fair.  It’s not right.  I am so incredibly disappointed in him.

 

Lisa

 

31^st January 2024

20:45

 

We had another viewing this evening and it was a total disaster.  Betsy went with another tactic today.  Instead of staying away and ignoring the situation, she decided to stay put and insulted the house, blatantly lied about the state the place was in and deliberately put the buyers off.  It didn’t matter what I said, Betsy countered with a criticism.  The couple couldn’t get out of here fast enough.

 

So, we’ve had a massive row and we’re now not speaking.  She’s in her room and I’m in mine.  I hate this.  I hate everything.  Why does life have to hurt so much?

 

Lisa

 

12^th February 2024

13:59

 

It has been a very long day and I am only halfway through it.  I am so tired.  I think I need to book some leave, which I hate doing.  Work is the only thing that keeps me sane these days.  But I do need a day off.  Just one day to curl up in joggers and sit in front of Netflix, eating junk food.  I just wish I had someone to do it with.  Becky, I miss you so much.

 

Carla

 

12^th February 2024

6:32pm

 

I had to tell Bobby the whole truth about Rob today.  It was pretty awful and the poor lad was heartbroken.  He has been visiting Rob all this time and has been fed a lie that Tina’s death was self defence.  What bullshit.  It was fucking murder.  There’s no grey area.  No misunderstanding.  He killed her.  He pushed her off that ledge and killed her.  He tried to let Peter take the blame for it.  It devastated everyone.  It wrecked so many lives.  Including mine.

 

It all started this morning when people started gossiping about Bobby and he became paranoid about everything.  Up till now, nobody had really clocked exactly who he was, who he belonged to.  But he mentioned Rob in the shop, which upset Rita.  She was obviously particularly close to Tina.  That set the likes of Sally and Beth off at the factory, talking about Rob and Stephen.

 

So, I had to sit Bobby down and tell him the whole truth about Tina and Peter’s affair.  Rob killing Tina, the exact reason why he’s in prison.  Bobby was understandably upset.  I think he had a chat with Lauren this afternoon.  I guess she gets it.  Her own family have a criminal background.  But when he came home this evening, we had a really nice chat and we’ve really cemented our commitment as a family.  He says he doesn’t want to visit Rob anymore.  I told him I’m ashamed of my brother but I refuse to be judged by his crime and Bobby shouldn’t either.  I’ve long since distanced myself from him and what he did.  I’ve just told him to be a bit careful around people like Rita, a bit tactful, as she and Tina were so close.  I feel protective of him.  He’s a good boy and he doesn’t deserve to be tarred by what Rob did.  He never even knew him.

 

Carla

 

Valentine’s Day 2024

8:33pm

 

My first’s single Valentine’s Day in a while.  I wonder what Peter is doing.  I woke up this morning and I immediately thought of him.  I wonder if it is going to be like this every year, going forward.  Or will I have met someone by this time next year?  I just can’t see it.  I can’t see myself having the energy or the inclination to try and start dating again.  It’s just so much effort.  I can’t imagine meeting anyone who would be worth the trouble.

 

I am stuck in my bedroom, as Bobby has wangled a ‘date’ with Lauren.  I’m not entirely sure she knows it’s a date but they’re in the lounge, watching a film.  The cheeky bugger has pretended the thermostat is broken so they’ve had to cuddle up under the blanket.  Unfortunately, that means I’ve had to grab a bottle of wine and dive under my duvet, as I’m flipping freezing.  But it’s nice to see him happy, especially after him being so upset about Rob the other day.  I’m not entirely sure about Lauren.  She’s… complicated.  But he’s very fond of her and she does seem to like him.  I want them to be happy.

 

He left me a box of chocolates for Valentine’s, which I thought was very sweet.  Very thoughtful.

 

I was working today.  People were chatting about their Valentine’s plans.  Sally was planning her evening with Tim, despite being disparaging about commercialism.  Beth and Kirk were having a meal at home.  I enjoy the chatter in the factory.  They’re a nice lot.

 

I bumped into DS Swain today.  I popped out to Frescho’s at lunch time.  She was buying ready meals and wine.  I honestly don’t know what came over me but I wished her a ‘happy valentine’s’ like it was bloody Christmas or something.  I am so embarrassed.  She looked very flustered and managed something like ‘you too’.  I asked if she was doing anything or stopping in with her husband, nodding at her basket.  She said she was spending the evening with her daughter.  She didn’t mention her husband.  I said I was spending the evening with my nephew (I didn’t know he was on a date then).  She sorted of nodded and wished me a nice day and bustled off.  I’m still embarrassed.

 

Lisa

 

Valentine’s Day 2024

22:09

 

I bumped into Carla at lunch time and we had the strangest exchange.  First she wished me ‘happy valentine’s’, which I thought was very odd.  I mean, it’s not like wishing someone ‘happy Christmas’.  But I kind of said it back just to be polite.  Then she asked me if I was spending the evening with my husband.  I don’t know why she wanted to know?  Was she being friendly?  Nosy?  Well, I said I was spending it with my daughter.  Which at the time I thought was a lie.  I didn’t exactly deny having a husband.  But I wasn’t about to come out to a relative stranger in the middle of a supermarket.  She told me she was spending it with her nephew.  I gather she and her husband split up over Christmas.  He’s gone off sailing round the world or something.  Perhaps he couldn’t cope with the Stephen Reid stuff and had to escape.

 

Anyway, as it turned out, I did spend the evening with Betsy.  I was most surprised.  I’d gone to the supermarket to grab a couple of ready meals.  But when I came home, I found she had cooked a three course meal and even put candles on the table.  She’d made a playlist of all my favourite music on Spotify.  We had a really lovely evening together.  She said she knew I’d be struggling today, as Becky always made such a fuss on Valentine’s and she didn’t want me to feel lonely.  I felt like asking who she was and what had she done with my daughter but obviously that would have ruined everything so I was just grateful instead.

 

It was so lovely spending time with her.  We chatted really openly about Becky and all our lovely memories of her and our family.  We chatted about school and her hopes for college.  She is really keen to get onto this fashion and design course and I said I would do whatever I could to help her.  She has promised to try her hardest to get all her GCSE’s, even though she hates school right now.  We’ve said we will try and spend more time together, the way Becky would have wanted us to.  I felt like we really made some progress today and I truly am so touched by the gesture she made.  She can be such a sweetheart when she wants to be.

 

Lisa

 

15^th February 2024

16:03

 

I am still feeling quite overwhelmed with how lovely yesterday evening was.  I feel like Betsy and I made so much progress.  I could actually cry with how thoughtful and kind she was.  She didn’t have to make so much effort with me.  She just did it out of the kindness of her heart.  She knew I would be struggling.  I was struggling.  And she made it better.  Maybe she does love me after all.

 

I wonder if Carla had a nice evening with her nephew.  It was so odd at Frescho’s.  She’s normally so cool around me but she seemed very on edge.  Maybe because it’s her first Valentine’s without her husband?  I wonder how long they were married?  It must be hard for her.  I know he’s not dead but I still understand the grief.  It’s hard being without someone you love on a day when people go all soppy and the shops are brimming over with hearts and flowers.  It just rams home that you’re alone. 

 

Carla

 

15^th February 2024

7:24pm

 

I took the chocolates Bobby bought me to the factory and shared them out.  Everyone was pleased with me.  And everyone was eager to share their stories of what their partners had done for them, while Sally continued to make it clear that Valentine’s was commercial (but had still done something with Tim).

 

I wonder if DS Swain had a nice evening with her daughter in the end.  I don’t know why but I have an odd fascination with that woman.  I don’t even like her but I’m so intrigued by her.  Maybe it’s because she’s such a closed book but I just want to know more about her.  If she’s spending Valentine’s with her daughter, does that mean her husband is busy?  Or is she a single Mum?  Divorced, perhaps?  Maybe I need to look at her hands next time I see her.  Check for a ring.  Yeah, she’s definitely an enigma.

 

I had an interesting conversation with Simon today.  He came in to apologise for her recent behaviour.  He confessed to relying on alcohol a lot recently and is concerned about a potential drinking problem, which he wants to get under control before it becomes a real issue.  I so wish Peter was here to help him.  He would obviously be the perfect person to support him.  Firstly, he’s his Dad and secondly, he has already been through this.  He would know exactly the right things to do and say.  But he’s off on his boat and he’s already let him down and told him he has no room for him.  So, it’s down to me and Leanne to support him here and look after him as best we can.  And we will.  Of course we will.

 

Bobby said he feels really guilty, as he has been encouraging him to drink, with no idea that he has been struggling.  It’s not his fault and Simon made that clear so I hope Bobby has accepted that.  I just hope we can get Simon back into a good place again.

 

Next time... Lauren goes missing, Ryan returns, Carla and Lisa bump into each other again...

Chapter 7: Missing

Notes:

So, we're getting into the Lauren era of their relationship now... Thank you so much for reading and leaving comments. It means so much to me! I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Lisa

 

26^th February 2024

18:12

 

I am actually home on time.  I was early, in fact.  Betsy and I have already had dinner.  I’ve washed up.  She’s doing her homework and I’m running myself a bath to try and relax.  Maybe this can be a new routine for me. The relaxed DS Swain!  You never know, eh?!

 

Carla

 

26^th February 2024

9:41pm

 

I had a bit of a puzzling day today.  I had a business meeting, which obviously isn’t unusual but on my way, I bumped into some guy who was meeting Daisy.  Well, he was meeting the ‘owner’ of The Rovers.  I assumed he meant Jenny.  It’s her name above the door, after all.  But no.  He was meeting Daisy.  And oh, she loved playing the big ‘I am’. 

 

I questioned Jenny about it and she was really panicked.  It was so odd.  Anyway, they told me that Daisy does part own the pub.  Apparently the bank loan they got to buy it wasn’t enough so they had to hit up Daisy’s Mum for the rest of the cash, making Daisy part owner of the place.  But what I don’t get is why did she not become a licensee?  It feels really strange to me.  I mean, since when does Daisy not want to lord it over everyone when she succeeds at something?  I just feel like I’m missing something.

 

However, my evening has been taken up by Bobby (and Roy) fretting about Lauren’s departure.  Bobby thinks she is missing and now the police seem a bit concerned too.  Apparently they came round to ask Roy some questions about the last time he saw her, why he fired her etc.  He explained that he thinks she has left town.  I think he’s right.  She was always a trouble kid.  I mean, look at everything that happened with Max and that awful far right gang they were mixed up in.  And now she’s lost her job and everything; I totally understand her instinct to run.  It’s a real shame.  She was building a strong friendship with Bobby.  It might have even developed into something more.  I’m not entirely sure if that would have been a good or a bad thing, to be honest.

 

Lisa

 

1^st March 2024

09:10

 

I’ve just dropped Betsy at school.  It was a struggle.  But I’m at my desk.  I’ve got a hefty day of paperwork ahead of me.  Hopefully I won’t have too many interruptions.  I’ve got so many cases I need to tidy up.  I’ve been so disorganised recently.  And you just don’t know when another massive case is going to land in your lap and take over your life.  Hopefully not soon though.  As much as I love the thrill of a huge case, I am really enjoying the 9 to 5 (ish) of my life at the moment.  I’m enjoying spending time with Betsy, for as long as she allows it.  Nobody ever prepares you for how hard it is to navigate suddenly being a single mother, while both you and your daughter are grieving.  It’s a minefield.

 

Carla

 

1^st March 2024

4:03pm

 

Ryan’s back!  I am so happy!  I am a bit cross with him for not telling me about the battle with steroids that he had.  It all came out in Bethany’s article the other day.  And it was the reason he never got that job at the gym.  Bloody Daniel ruined it for him by telling them about it so that he’d have no choice but to go off to Glasgow.  I just wish he’d felt able to confide in me at the time.  I feel like I let him down, if he didn’t feel like he could turn to me.  He says that I’ve always been there for him, always looked after him.  He said he didn’t want me to be disappointed in him.  I mean, as if.  Looking back now, it explains a lot about how un-Ryan-like he was behaving.  I just put it down to stress at the time, because of his injuries.  I’m just glad he has recovered now.

 

So anyway, he’s broken up with Crystal, which is why he’s back.  He’s pretty pissed off about the article, understandably.  It’s very personal.  All about the acid attack.  Bethany had no right to write it, especially not without his and Daisy’s permission.  And of course, it’s brought back all his feelings for Daisy, which I do not advise!  I have made that very clear.  But the heart wants what it wants.

 

I am just glad I have got over all that romance stuff.  Honestly, I am done with it.  I never want to be with anyone ever again.  I cannot imagine ever even finding another man attractive again, let alone wanting to date one.  I’m just not interested.  I can’t be bothered with all those hideous complications anymore.  I want to focus on my business, my boys, my friends.  That’s it.  Nothing more than that.

 

Lisa

 

2^nd March 2024

14:43

 

I’ve just got back from town on my lunch break.  I needed to get some lunch, a few and bobs and some clothes – a coat and some bras.  And who did I see in the queue in the clothes shop?  Carla Barlow.  I tried to hide the bras.  I don’t know why.  I mean, she’s a woman.  It’s not like bras are embarrassing but it just felt a bit strange standing in front of a stranger with bras in my basket.

 

We made slightly awkward small talk.  She was nice though.  Chatty.  Friendly, even.  She made some joke about me needing to get back to catching bad guys, which was so lame that it genuinely made me laugh.  In another world, I wonder if we could have been friends.  Maybe if Becky was alive.  Becky would have easily made friends with someone cool and fun like Carla.  And I could have then made friends with her by association.  But not without Becky.  I’m just… not that kind of person.  Carla would never notice someone like me.  She only recognised me because I’m a copper.  She only spoke to me because she’s kind and polite.  She’d never want to be my friend.  Nobody would.  Nobody does.  I’ve lost that side of my life now.

 

Carla

 

2^nd March 2024

6:32pm

 

So, Ryan stayed the night with Daisy.  Wow, those kids work fast!  I mean, he only came home yesterday!  Bloody hell!  They are officially back together and she has given him a job at the pub.  So, at least that’s one good thing she’s done, I suppose.  He wasn’t sure at first – dating and working together – but at least for now, it’s a good plan.  He needs a job.  He needs to be settled.  I need to know he’s not going to run off again.  Honestly, I have missed him so much.  I would have given him a job at the factory if I could have but there’s just nothing going and I’m not in a financial position to be generous, unfortunately.  But I still made my feelings about his and Daisy’s relationship clear.  Obviously.

 

I went into town at lunch time to do a bit of shopping and who did I bump into but DS Swain on her lunch break?  I wasn’t going to speak to her.  I was just going to observe.  We were both shopping for clothes.  I needed a pair of jeans.  She was buying bras (I looked in her basket) and a really nice coat.  But we ended up behind each other in the queue so it seemed silly to pretend I hadn’t seen her.  So I caught her attention and said hello.  She covered the bras very quickly with the coat and smiled a bit awkwardly.  She explained that she was on her lunch break, as if she needed to excuse why she was there.  I said that I was too.  I still find it strange that’s she’s not married.  She just seems like the married type.  Maybe she and her partner just live together or something.  But why wouldn’t they have been together on Valentine’s Day?

 

Anyway, we had a polite, slightly awkward chat.  I made some lame joke about her having to rush off and catch bad guys.  She laughed politely as she went off to pay for her things.  I did note her bra size but I’m not telling.

 

Lisa

 

6^th March 2024

12:35

 

I’ve just got back from the school.  Betsy has been truanting again.  I hate the way they look down on me.  The way they blame me for her behaviour.  And I hate the way they’re right.  I know it’s my fault.  I know Bex would be doing a much better job if she’d have lived and I’d died.  I know it would have been so much better for Bets if things had worked out that way.  Becky was always a much better Mum than me.  I love Betsy so much but… I’m just not what she needs.  We’ve been getting on better.  We have.  But I’m just… useless. 

 

Every morning that I wake up, I’m… disappointed.  I hate facing every day without her.  I hate knowing that I’ve not got justice for her.  I know we found one person but there was so much more to her death and we never found the answers.  I hate knowing that at some point, Betsy and I will probably fight.  I’m constantly letting her down.  Everything just… hurts so much.  I feel so alone.  I wish, just for a minute, I had someone who would hold me.  Make me feel safe.  Just for a minute.  Just for a minute.

 

Carla

 

6^th March 2024

8:59pm

 

I had a very busy day at work today.  We’ve finally got loads of work on and business is building up after everything that happened with Stephen.  I’m finally in a place where I’m hopeful that things will get back on track again and I’m not going to lose my business and my staff aren’t going to lose their livelihoods.

 

Fiz came back from her transfer to Norwich today.  It was lovely to have her back.  She seemed very empowered from her experience there, although she was a bit annoying at times, fluttering around me when I was busy.  But I have to say I’ve missed her.  I didn’t miss paying her, considering the situation I’ve been in.  Obviously, I have to start paying her again now but at least I’m in a slightly better position to do that now.

 

Bobby has pissed me off tonight.  He’s been fussing so much over Lauren.  First he started sending out flyers, which was fine.  But today, he got the paper to help him set up and online appeal and he roped bloody Roy in.  I mean, why?!  Roy was so awkward on camera.  It just… didn’t sit well with me.  Anything online, as far as I’m concerned, is dangerous in these kinds of situations.  I don’t know why but I feel very concerned.  I feel as protective of Roy as he feels of me.  He’s got no idea what the internet is like.  Bobby should never have let him do that.  If something has happened to Lauren, I don’t want Roy to be some kind of public face of the campaign.  He’s actually too innocent for that.

 

Lisa

 

7^th March 2024

17:45

 

I had to make sure I was finished in time to pick Betsy up from school today.  Well, once she had finished her after school detention, anyway.  She’s stuck there for two weeks because of skipping.  I can’t help but wonder if she was being nice to me because she felt bad for what she was getting up to behind my back.  And I really thought we were making progress.  She is not being nice to me now.

 

As soon as we got home, she stormed up to her room.  I’ve cooked her favourite dinner.  We’ll see how that goes when she comes down.  If she comes down.

 

I am so tired.

 

Carla

 

7^th March 2024

21:34

 

Today was not a good day.  First, I upset Fiz.  She came to speak to me about all these ideas she had for the factory.  And they were genuinely brilliant ideas, which I’d love to incorporate.  But then she mooted the idea of a possible promotion, which I had to turn down.  In a normal situation, I would absolutely have said yes.  She’s gained loads of experience while she’s been away.  She’s clearly learned loads and is brimming with ideas and enthusiasm.  She’s a fantastic and loyal worker who’s been with me for years.  I like her and get on well with her.  We’d work well together.  There’s no reason to say no.  Except I can’t fucking afford it.  All I could say was that I would absolutely bear her in mind in the future.  She was gutted.  I know she was.  And I feel so bloody bad about it.  I could kill Stephen if he wasn’t dead already.  He’s taken so much away from me.  My money.  My husband.  Everything.

 

I’ve also had a spat with Bobby.  I mean, he’s apologised now but I – and the whole staff – were extremely angry with him.  I actually threw him out of the factory.

 

It all started this morning when he cried off work to carry on his investigations into Lauren’s disappearance.  Honestly, if this all goes on much longer, I’m going to scream.  I feel sorry for the kid and whatever’s happened to her but I’m sick of hearing her name.  I told him he couldn’t search for her on work time but he just ignored me, which obvious brought complaints about favouritism.  He’s the new Nepo Baby since Simon’s gone.  At least there can’t be another one after him!

 

But later, he came barging back into the factory, saying that Roy had cleaned Lauren’s flat.  Apparently Evelyn had complained that the landlord won’t give her the deposit back (she was subletting to Lauren) because of the state Lauren left the place in.  And he’s also pissed off about her subletting.  Roy being Roy, went in and cleaned it all up for her, as he was the one who persuading Evelyn to take pity on her in the first place.  But Bobby has taken Roy’s kindness as suspicious activity and started shooting his mouth off about Roy.  I obviously stood up for him, as did Fiz, Sally and Beth.  We were all livid at the suggestion that Roy would ever do anything for any motive other than kindness.  I threw him out.  Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry with him.  I know he doesn’t know Roy very well but he knows that I love him.  How dare he?!

 

He came home a short while ago with his tail between his legs.  He’d bought me flowers, which was sweet of him.  He was very apologetic and I hope he’ll think before he speaks next time.  I mean, honestly.  Roy?!  As if he could or would ever harm someone.  Come off it!  Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous?!

 

Carla

 

11^th March 2024

8:11pm

 

I took Bobby to the police station today to report Lauren missing.  It was Craig and DS Swain at the desk, so I’ll be honest, I don’t have the highest of hopes.  But to be fair, DS Swain did seem to take what we said seriously.  She seemed concerned.  For once!  She listened and said she’d investigate.  That seemed to comfort Bobby, who has been so worried about Lauren.  He really likes her, although I honestly don’t know why.  I mean, I know I was dragged up but this is a girl who was part of a Far Right Group!  I’m really not keen.  Still, I don’t want any harm to come to her.  So, I’m glad we’ve reported it and I’m glad DS Swain is willing to look into it.  Like I say, I don’t have the most faith in her judging by how crap she was with me but at least she’s going to try.  And I have to remember how good she was with Nina.  She got justice for her and Seb.

 

It all started when Sean went to view the place.  Since Lauren was caught pinching cash from Sarah’s purse and Roy had to fire her, which I know he really didn’t want to do, she’s scarpered.  Or so we thought.  Bobby was very keen on her and it looked like something was starting to happen between them so he was very upset when he thought she was ghosting him.  But since then, Sean’s been to the flat and so has Bobby and they’ve found blood (apparently) on the curtains), even though Roy’s been there to clean and tidy the place and pay off Lauren’s outstanding debt for Evelyn so it can get rented back out.  He’s such a nice bloke.  Honestly, I don’t know what any of us would do without him.  Lauren certainly never deserved him.  She got fired and he still gave her a load of cash to see her right because it’s just the kind of person he is.  Even though of course that made Bobby shoot his mouth of, questioning his motives.

 

Anyway, everyone was gossiping about the blood all day.  It was genuinely starting to get stressful so I agreed to take Bobby to the police station to report her missing.  He’d already spoken to the police when she vanished a couple of weeks ago but of course, they did bugger all.  Honestly, the coppers round here are next to useless.  I mean, Craig works hard but he’s a bit ‘nice but dim’ and that DS Swain… she really drives me a bit crazy.  I find her infuriating.  Although I was looking at her today and all I kept wondering was whether she was wearing her new bra or not.  I know.  Completely inappropriate.

 

Anyway, they must have listened for once because they’ve turned up at the flat now to ask Bobby some more questions.  And do you know, the cheeky cow has sent me out of my own lounge?!  I am literally sat here on my bed, writing because she has taken over my living room!  Don’t get me wrong, I am genuinely grateful, if for no other reason that Bobby has been driving me mad, worrying about what might have happened to her.  But honestly, how dare she kick me out of my front room?!  She literally dismissed me!  She didn’t want me part of the interview.  I’m not even over the rudeness of it.  What did she think I was going to do, warn Bobby not to tell her where the body was?!  I took him to report it!  For goodness’ sake!  She is so rude.  So frustrating!  So… cold.  I cannot stand the woman.  But I kind of like her at the same time.  That’s weird, isn’t it?

 

Lisa

 

11^th March 2024

23:29

 

I’ve got a potential new case.  Carla Barlow came in with her nephew, Bobby and reported a young woman called Lauren Bolton missing.  Apparently it was reported a couple of weeks ago but nothing was done.  Well, that’s not me.  A young woman has apparently vanished and that doesn’t sit right with me at all.

 

Unfortunately, that meant I was late home from work, which pissed Betsy off.  We had a massive row when I eventually got home.  I tried to explain that I’d got stuck at work but that wasn’t really an acceptable excuse.  It’s always my excuse/reason and she hit the roof, screaming at me for never putting her first, never being there for her.  It hurt.  It always hurts.  I wish I was a better Mum.  I wish I wasn’t on my own.

 

I took Craig with me to Lauren’s flat to see if we could find anything.  It wasn’t hard to find blood spattered up the curtains and it definitely wasn’t from a nosebleed.  So, I arranged for a team to come and examine the whole place and see what evidence we can bring up.  I left them there.  They’ll be working through the night.  But there was a lot of blood.  I am genuinely worried for this girl’s life right about now.

 

Before that, I went over to Carla’s flat to interview Bobby.  I needed to get as many facts from him as I could.  Carla was there, keeping a close eye on things.  In the end, I sent her away, which she did not appreciate.  In fact, I really annoyed her.  Again.  But I needed to talk to Bobby.  If we were at the station, she wouldn’t have been able to sit in so she couldn’t do it at home.

 

Plus… ugh, this is so awful to write.  She was leaning on the back of the sofa, watching me so intently.  She looked absolutely gorgeous.  I was finding her incredibly distracting.  I feel terrible even writing it.  Like I am betraying Becky.  I honestly haven’t felt an attraction to anyone since she died.  Well, since we met.  It’s just always been Becky.  She’s been my world.  I took our marriage vows to heart.  I don’t know why Carla was distracting me.  I don’t know how.  She just looked gorgeous with her long dark hair and beautiful face, her eyes, her cheekbones… leaning on the back of the sofa.  I just kept imagining standing behind her and… 

 

No, I’m not finishing that sentence.

 

I needed to focus on Bobby, on the case and I kept looking at her, thinking about her instead.  So, I sent her away.  She was livid.  Which only made her hotter.  Which didn’t help.  But it got her out of my eyeline and I was able to force myself to concentrate on what Bobby was saying.  He told me about the last time he’d seen Lauren.  He mentioned a mysterious, unseen boyfriend.  And this café owner, Roy Cropper, who had been weirdly kind to her for apparently no gain.  That definitely rings alarm bells in my head.  He also cleaned up the flat, which is both infuriating in terms of potential evidence if she was attacked or killed there and again, rings massive alarm bells.  Was he just doing a kindness or was he covering something up?  I mean, why would you randomly clean up some kid’s apartment when you’d just fired them?  It doesn’t make any sense.

 

So, Craig, who definitely has a soft spot for this Roy bloke, and I, went to see him.  I needed to get an idea of who he is and I’m just not sure.  This man fired Lauren but apparently they were still on good terms.  He then gave her money.  And he cleaned the flat afterwards, apparently to help his friend who Lauren was subletting from.  He used gloves so we’re unlikely to get prints, which is very convenient (for him).  I don’t know.  Craig is insisting that Roy is an abnormally kind person.  The type that would do anything for anyone and that giving a girl he fired, cash, to help her on her way and clean up after her to help a friend is typical Roy behaviour.  But I just… is anyone that kind?  Maybe I’m just jaded.  Too long in the job.  Too hurt by life.

 

Oh, and he washed a load of her things.  Clothes.  Bedding.  I mean, it’s all very suspicious, if you ask me.

 

Carla

 

12^th March 2024

11:23am

 

I took Bobby to go and visit Roy and Nina late last night.  I wanted to check on Roy after DS Swain and Craig went to interview him.  I was worried that he might be shaken or upset.  He wasn’t of course.  But that kind of worried me more.  I don’t think it’s occurred to him that he might be under any kind of suspicion.  I could be wrong.  But I reckon that DS Swain is like a shark when she has someone in her sights.  I don’t think she stops until she gets exactly what and who she wants.  And I am deeply worried that she’s suspicious of Roy.  Because to all of us that know and love him, we understand that everything he’s done recently is completely out of love, kindness and charity.  It’s just so Roy.  But if you’re a cynical Detective who’s never met someone like Roy before, well… I get how it might look strange.  Part of me kind of wants to try and take her aside, explain him.  But I also don’t want to draw attention to him in case I’ve read it all wrong, you know?

 

Bobby spent the whole night out with Max, watching Lauren’s flat.  DS Swain is obviously taking the whole thing very seriously.  The police didn’t pay any attention before.  It was only when Bobby and I told her about it that they sprung into action.  He said that SOCO were there all night, working the place over.  He said she left at about 11pm, looking stressed, talking on the phone.  Craig left in the early hours.  But SOCO didn’t finish until well past sunrise.  What if this girl is actually dead?

 

I had a chat with Ryan this morning and he told me about Lauren having an O-Vidz account.  I told him to go straight to the police station to tell DS Swain.  If she’s going to find Lauren, dead or alive, she needs to know everything.  He finished his breakfast and headed straight out.

 

Lisa

 

12^th March 2024

22:22

 

It’s been another long day, finishing with another argument with Betsy.  I warned her this morning that I would be back late.  I was up early, batch cooking so she had a decent dinner – that she didn’t bother eating and ordered a ridiculously expensive takeaway instead.  Honestly, I’m trying.  I really am.  But a girl has potentially been murdered.  A young, vulnerable girl, not much older than Betsy.  I have to find out what happened to her.  I have to find out who happened to her.

 

So, this morning, Carla’s nephew, Ryan Connor came in and told me that Lauren had an O-Vidz account.  I haven’t spoken to him since the acid attack.  I still feel so shit about all that.  If we’d been able to do more about Justin, if we hadn’t been tied by the stupid restrictions, then it never would have happened.  That lad wouldn’t be scarred for life.  And he is such a nice lad too.  So sweet.  He was clearly anxious about telling me about the account.  He wasn’t sure if it was relevant or not but he’d told Carla about it and she’d said that I needed to know everything if I was going to find Lauren so he’d come down right away.  I was grateful and I made sure he knew that.

 

Not long afterwards, Max came down and told me the same thing.  I was less friendly about that.  Ryan told me as soon as he knew there was a problem, as soon as he knew Lauren was missing.  Max has been worried about Lauren for weeks and he never mentioned a thing.

 

So, I spent all day interviewing all of Lauren’s friends and associates, trying to get more of a picture of her life.  I questioned Max, who told me what he knew of this secret boyfriend she had, which wasn’t much.  She was obviously very cagey about him.  But he thinks he was violent.

 

Max directed me to Daniel Osbourne, who was tutoring her – for free.  And I know some people do nice things but again, like with Roy Cropper, I just don’t buy it.  A young bloke gives up his free time to tutor a younger, pretty girl?  For no gain?  Really?  Plus, I found out that he used to see a sex worker.  And Lauren has a history of that kind of thing online, possibly offline as well.  Something is making me feel uncomfortable there.

 

I interviewed Daniel and he explained everything away.  He denied any sexual contact with Lauren but he seemed shifty.  I mean, he even paid for her to take her exams.  So not only was he tutoring her for free, he actually made a loss.  It just seems a bit odd to me.  Especially as he couldn’t cope with the questioning and called his solicitor in sharpish.  His nephew.  Who was older than him.  All very odd.

 

But then as the interview went on, he explained his involvement with Nicky, this sex worker.  I really struggled not to show how it affected me.  So, his wife died, apparently.  A few years ago.  And he was really embarrassed about admitting it but he hired this Nicky to hold him, wear her clothes, her perfume.  Hearing him describe it broke me a little bit.  It doesn’t mean I’m not suspicious of him but I do empathise with his grief.

 

He says he was in his flat with his girlfriend, Bethany on the day Lauren disappeared – but not the whole time so he doesn’t have a solid alibi.

 

My day rounded off with giving a press conference.  I HATE press conferences.  I get so anxious in front of the camera.  But I’m the lead on the case so it had to be me.  I was so nervous but I did my best.  It doesn’t help that as soon as I got home, Betsy ripped me apart and told me how shit I looked and sounded.  It just made me feel like crap.

 

Lisa

 

13^th March 2024

07:02

 

I slept better than expected, considering how rough things are with Betsy at the moment and how tough this case already is.  I basically went straight to bed.  I didn’t even eat.  I came upstairs and got ready for bed.  That interview with Daniel Osbourne was playing on my mind.  I dug out one of Becky’s hoodies.  It still smells like her.  I took it to bed with me and held it all night.  I cried myself to sleep.

 

Carla

 

13^th March 2024

9:24am

 

They’re constantly replaying DS Swain’s press conference about Lauren.  I watched it last night and again over breakfast this morning.  She looks so cool, calm and collected, like nothing ever fazes her.  Completely unflappable.  It must be nice to live your life like that, nothing ever bothering you or upsetting you.  To be so tough.  I know I act that way sometimes but I feel things so deeply.  If someone I love is hurt, I hurt.  I feel a physical pain inside.  Oh to be more DS Swain, eh?

 

Next time... Carla and Lisa come into conflict when Roy is arrested for Lauren's murder..

Chapter 8: Arrested!

Carla

 

15^th March 2024

5:39pm

 

That bitch arrested Roy!  My Roy!  Roy, who wouldn’t hurt a fly!  How could she?!  How could Roy ever be guilty of killing Lauren?  He has been nothing but kind to her.  He helped her out with a job, with money, with everything.  Because that’s who he is.  He’s kind.  He’s gentle.  He would do anything to help anyone.  He would never harm anyone.  Not Roy.  Not my Roy.  How could DS Swain do this?  I thought she was going to help find Lauren, find whoever attacked her.  Not harass an innocent, kind, loving man.  I will never forgive her for what she’s done.  Never.

 

It’s been an awful few days.  People have been trolling Roy online and Nina and I have been doing our best to hide it from him.  But then Debbie came into the café and put her foot in it.  In the end, I had to be honest with him.  I couldn’t directly lie to him when he knew something was up.  He’s a transparent man.  An honest man and he appreciates the same in return.  So I told him the truth and it broke my heart to see him reading the awful, cruel tripe about him.  I couldn’t help but think about our beautiful Hayley and what she would make of all of this.  Of how she would have done anything to protect him from harm.  And I must do the same.  I have to.  She’s not here.  I have to do whatever I can to look after him.

 

The problem is that he’s so bloody stubborn.  We tried to talk him out of attending the appeals for Lauren, in light of all the interest in him, in light of the comments about him online but he just wouldn’t listen.  And things just continued to escalate.  Then DS Swain turned up at the café and for a moment, I genuinely thought she might be there to help.  But no.  She was there to arrest him.  To drag him off to the police station to interrogate him about Lauren.  I am actually angrier with her about this than I was about Peter and I was pretty angry then.  At least Peter was capable of standing up for himself.  Roy is so vulnerable.  He doesn’t know how to say anything but the truth and he doesn’t know that that can be misinterpreted sometimes, misrepresented, misunderstood.  How can this woman call herself a Detective?  What the hell is she detecting if she’s arresting the kindest man on the planet?!

 

Lisa

 

15^th March 2024

18:59

 

I made an arrest in the Lauren Bolton case.  I can’t say it’s provided me with the satisfaction I anticipated.  I’m not entirely sure I’ve even done the right thing.  All the evidence points to Roy Cropper, the guy who owns a local café.  He just so happens to be Carla Barlow’s best mate.  Of course he does.  The way she yelled at me while I arrested him and put him into the back of the car…  It was awful.  I felt fucking awful.  He was so compliant.  Carla was absolutely devastated.  She was shouting like she was angry but I heard heartbreak and fear underneath it and that really upset me.  Obviously, I didn’t let it show but it stayed with me for the rest of the evening.  I can still hear it, still feel it now.

 

While we were outside, some bastard started filming us for their social media.  I think there was some kind of journalist there as well, trying to shove a phone in Roy’s face.  Of course.  I shut them down as best I could.  I tried to protect Roy.  I don’t want it to be him.  He seems so nice.  But I know full well that the nicest people can be capable of the worst things.  So, unfortunately, I have to follow the evidence.  And the evidence is pointing to him.  His actions are either the actions of the nicest, albeit strangest man on the planet.  Or a murderer.  I need to interview him.  I had to arrest him.  Even if it is just to rule him out.  I hope it’s just to rule him out.

 

It’s going to be a long night.  Probably followed by another row with Betsy.  Sometimes I think she wishes I had died instead of Becky.  Sometimes I wish I had too.

 

Lisa

 

16^th March 2024

10:23

 

I have reluctantly taken the morning off.  I was working until late last night on the Lauren Bolton case, long after we released Roy Cropper on bail with a curfew.  He has to report weekly to the police station.  It’s not normal practice when we suspect someone of murder.  I’m pretty sure I could have gone to the CPS for a charge if I’d chosen to but I just wanted to investigate a bit more.  I don’t want Roy to be guilty.  He’s an odd man but being odd isn’t a crime.  He also comes across like a nice man.  He’s clearly loved within the community.  He’s got incredible support around him, people… seemingly good people like his niece and Carla, that love him dearly.  That means something.

 

Unfortunately, his actions are very questionable.  He:

• Gave Lauren money despite firing her for theft (we found it stuffed under her mattress)
• Claims she made a pass at him a while back but he didn’t reciprocate
• Admits to being ‘fond’ of her
• Cleaned Lauren’s entire flat after she went missing (to help a neighbour who was subletting to her)
• Left his fingerprints on a condom wrapper, despite claiming to have used gloves during the entire clean up
• Changed his story, saying he took the gloves off and then found the wrapper

 

I mean, it all just sounds very suspect and strange to me.  His solicitor, Dee Dee, had an answer for everything.

 

I got a verbal kicking from Betsy when I dragged myself home last night, as I expected.  I explained to her that there was a missing girl and I was in charge of finding her, hopefully alive.  She just said that perhaps she needed to disappear to get my attention and then wondered how long it would take me to even notice.

 

Carla

 

16^th March 2024

11:33am

 

I’m pretty exhausted from such an emotional and long day yesterday and a late night with Roy and the others yesterday.  We all waited at the café for Dee Dee to bring him home, terrified that he might be kept in.  Thankfully, he was released on bail, pending investigation.  Dee Dee said that DS Swain was very good to do that and that a lot of officers wouldn’t have done, they would have pushed for a charge and murder would never have had bail even considered.  So, as mad as I’ve been with her about this, I am also grateful that she does have at least an ounce of compassion in her.  I just hope she realises soon that Roy could never have done this.  Just could never ever have done this.

 

And of course, the video of him being put in the car (and me shouting abuse at DS Swain – possibly not my finest hour!) has all gone up online for the world to see.  To be fair to her, she could have turned on me for that.  Watching the video, I was pretty nasty.  She was very tolerant.  As for Roy… is this nightmare ever going to end?

 

Lisa

 

18^th March 2024

19:32

 

Roy Cropper was attacked by some members of the far right group Spider helped to nail last year – family members of Lauren Bolton.  News has rapidly spread that he has been arrested for her murder and I suppose they wanted revenge.  They roughed him up and I dread to think how bad it would have been if Carla and some bloke called Nick Tilsley hadn’t been there. 

 

Roy was very scared and Carla was wildly protective.  Becky used to be so protective of me and Betsy.  She made me feel so safe.  And I was protective of them both.  Obviously, I’m still protective of Betsy.  But as a three, we were such a unit.  Such a loving unit.  I miss it so much.  I could only imagine feeling that safe, that loved again.  But it could never happen.  I know I could never, ever fall in love again.  It would be such a betrayal of everything Becky and I had.  Plus, at this point, I know I am entirely unlovable anyway.  The day Becky died, all that was warm and kind and loving in me was destroyed.  There’s just… nothing left.  Betsy sees it.  That’s why she hates me so much.

 

Anyway, the attack at the café made Roy late for his scheduled interview.  He was in such a state.  I didn’t even have time to feel sorry for him because I got into an argument with Carla.  She is so maddening sometimes.  She was telling me how to do my job, if you please.  Informing me that Roy was in no fit state to be interviewed and that it needed to be rescheduled.  Fine, she was right.  But that was my decision, not hers!  I asked that he give me any information that he had on who attacked him.  I don’t know if he will or not.  But yeah, she is so irritating.  At least she’s nice to look at while she’s shouting at me, I suppose.  I’ve kind of made my peace with that.  It’s harmless.  I mean, she’s straight and I am not interested.  But I suppose finally noticing someone after two years proves I am still alive.  For a while, I wasn’t sure.

 

Carla

 

18^th March 2024

8:39pm

 

It’s been another crap day.  Roy was attacked at the café.  I had to take him to the station to rearrange his interview.  DS Swain wasn’t very compassionate, although she did ask for the names and descriptions of the people who attacked him so that she could arrest them.  I mean, judging by her history, she won’t.  Or she’ll get the wrong people.  Maybe she’ll burst in on some little old lady watching Loose Women or something.  Who knows?!

 

The thing that stressed poor Roy out the most was that the whole thing made him late for his interview with her.  I rushed him straight there.  She was waiting for him, not impressed by the delay.  We got into a row and I didn’t hold back on my opinion that he was in no fit state to be interviewed after what he’d just been through.  She took great offence to being told how to do her job.  Personally, I think she could do with a few pointers!  But she did relent and reschedule so at least that’s taken the pressure off Roy for another day.  Maybe.  I’m not sure the pressure’s going to be taken off him until these bastards leave him alone – her included.  I just don’t understand how the hell he became a suspect in the first place.  Well, I do.  His bloody kindness.  He was trying to save Evelyn money by putting the flat back together, after she complained about the state bloody Lauren had left it in.  It didn’t occur to him that someone untoward had happened there.  He was just trying to be a good neighbour.

 

He’s still insisting on attending this vigil, as well.  I could kill Max for being so pushy about it.  I know Lauren is his friend but Roy is my friend and I need to protect him.  There’s going to be loads of people there.  People with phones.  People with ill-intent.  It’s going to be a social media circus and it’s not going to do him any good.  In fact, it could do him a lot of harm.  And I am just so terrified for him.

 

Carla

 

20^th March 2024

10:04pm

 

Okay, even I have to admit that Roy hasn’t made things easy on himself today.  DS Swain dragged him back down to the police station after he and Nina went digging around some bat site.  Some prats from social media were digging around for Lauren and he was worried about the bats being disturbed so, against advice, he took a shovel up there to rectify things for them.  Of course, he was photographed and the next thing we knew, DS Swain had turned up to take him back in for interview.  This time, I couldn’t exactly blame her.  Although we understood, it did look a bit odd and we did tell him before he went.  He’s being investigated for murder and he’s wandering around woods with a fucking spade.  He’s not helping himself.

 

I’ve had to be honest with Roy now.  I’ve told him that he needs to be more sensible and less stubborn for Nina’s sake.  She’s struggling to cope with everything going on.  She’s frightened.  She needs him to do everything he can to stay out of prison, to stick around for her.  She’s already lost both her parents; she can’t lose her Uncle too.

 

Well, the vigil was even worse than I imagined.  Social media is going insane with all this ‘Creepy Cropper’ stuff.  I can hardly bear to look at it.  In fact, I refuse to look at it.  And I feel so angry with DS Swain for targeting Roy in the first place.  If she only knew him, if she had taken the time to understand him, she would never have considered him to be a suspect.  She’s just like all those people, back in the day, who judged him and judged Hayley for being different.  Never took the time to get to know them.  I bet that’s what she’s like in her personal life.  Probably all the ‘phobics’ you can get.  Judges first, asks questions later.  I knew I didn’t like her.  She’s tearing my loved ones apart piece by piece.  No.  She is not my kind of person at all.  And she’s so pretty as well.  I bet she was one of those mean girls at school.  You know the type – absolutely gorgeous, loads of money, posh background, a right bitch.

 

After the vigil, I was talking to Nina.  Well, propping her up, basically.  She was so upset by what had happened, so frightened for Roy.  Then a brick came flying through the window.  I ran down the street, trying to chase down the person who threw it.  I almost caught them.  Not quite.  Lucky for them.

 

DS Swain quite bravely came to the café later, where me, Nina and Evelyn all basically ganged up on her. Only Roy had any compassion.  Of course he did.  He’s Roy.  She noticed, I think.  I hope it counts in his favour.  That he is kind and gentle and he understands that she is doing her job.  Even if we don’t.  And I bloody don’t!  I want her to leave my friend alone.  He is one of the only people I have in the whole world.  I have lost so many people.  I need him.  I love him.  Both my parents are dead.  My brother.  My other brother is in jail.  My sister is on the other side of the world and barely speaks to me. Michelle is in Ireland.  And Peter is long gone.  I need Roy.  He is my rock.

 

Lisa

 

20^th March 2024

22:21

 

I had to haul Roy in for questioning again today!  I mean, is he guilty or is he stupid?  At this point, I actually don’t know.  There was a report that he had literally been down to a bat roosting site with a SHOVEL!  I mean, the man is being investigated for murder and he’s digging around in some woods with a spade, somewhere he can and was photographed and is astounded when we turn up to drag him down to the station again!  He claimed that he was protecting a particular breed of bat, a serious interest of his.  I have asked around and bats are his thing (along with chess and trains, apparently) but still, it doesn’t look good.  His niece went with him, obviously worried about what he was doing.  Apparently some ‘social media sleuths’ were digging around there for Lauren’s body, disturbing the site, which distressed him (because of the bats, not because of what they might find) and he went to repair the situation.  But it was a whole load of extra work for me that I could have done without.

 

Roy was also attacked again today.  First, he was harassed terribly at Lauren’s vigil.  I saw it all over social media.  Honestly, I don’t know why his mates let him attend.  What the hell were they thinking?  It was awful.  And now the pariahs have coined the term ‘Creepy Cropper’.  I don’t want him to be guilty.  I want to prove that he isn’t.  I want to cross him off my list and move on.  But everything he does just compounds my theory.  He isn’t helping himself.

 

Afterwards, someone threw a brick through the café window.  Carla reported it so I came down to check Roy was alright and to give them a crime number.  I was tempted to send PC Tinker but I’ve been so involved in everything, going myself seemed like the right thing to do.  They all set upon me the moment I got there – Carla, Evelyn and Nina.  Delightful!  I didn’t smash the bloody place up!  The only person who wasn’t horrible to me was poor Roy.  He really is a nice man.  I hate that he’s my main suspect.  I genuinely like him. 

 

Every day, I’m searching for one piece of evidence that’ll prove that he didn’t do it.  If I can do that, I can let him go without charge.  But of course, I can’t tell anyone that.  Not my colleagues.  Not Roy.  Not Carla.  As much as I’d like to.  Especially Roy and Carla.  But I have to keep my guard up.  I have to pretend I don’t care.  But I do.  I care so much I feel like it’s going to kill me.

 

Next time... Lisa makes progress with her house sale, Carla learns of Jenny and Daisy's betrayal and Lisa and Betsy continue to struggle...

Chapter 9: My Money!

Lisa

 

29^th March 2024

18:09

 

We had another house viewing today and this one actually went well.  For starters, Betsy wasn’t home so I didn’t have anyone here to trash the house or slag it off in front of potential buyers.  I’m really hopeful that these people might buy it.  I’ve found somewhere I’d like to buy.  I took Betsy to see it at the weekend and she couldn’t have been less interested.  She just glared at every room and said she didn’t care, that she wanted to stay here and I could pick by myself if I was going to drag her away from the home she grew up in, the home that had all the memories of her mother in.  So, great.  I guess I’ll do that then.

 

I stopped in at Frescho’s to get myself a quick ready meal between work and the viewing.  Of course, there was massive queue for both the tills and the self service.  And of course, I bumped into Carla Barlow.  She was immediately on me about Roy and I was that close to losing it with her.  I wasn’t working.  I was off duty.  I don’t need to be harassed in my personal life for doing my job.  Plus, I was at risk of being late for meeting the Estate Agent for the viewing.  She seemed to notice I was anxious about the time, made yet another barb and then completely threw me, when I said I needed to get home quickly, by letting me go in front of her in the queue.  I am so confused.  One minute the woman is being horrible to me and the next, she’s being really kind and helpful.  What’s her deal?  I don’t get it.

 

Carla

 

29^th March 2024

7:10pm

 

I’ve got the flat to myself tonight, as Bobby’s out with his mates and Ryan is off to the Lake District overnight with Daisy.  It’s been a year since the acid attack (which I forgot – how shit an Aunt am I?!) so they’ve gone away for the night to reflect on everything that happened and everything they’ve been through.  It just breaks my heart when I think about it all.  That darling boy, all his pain – physical and mental – all because he always does the right thing, no matter what.  He saw Daisy in danger and stepped in, regardless of what happened to him.  I hate thinking about what he suffered and continues to suffer.  And I am so proud of him for the way he manages everything.

 

So, I’m on my own tonight.  I grabbed some food from Frescho’s on my way home and I’m now settled down in front of the TV.  Obviously I bumped into DS Swain while I was there.  That woman bloody stalks me, I swear. I couldn’t resist a few barbs about Roy and her clear lack of Detective skills.  She shot them down.  She was looking pretty tired, to be honest – and in a bit of a hurry.  She was tapping her basket and checking her watch.  I asked if she was too busy to wait in line and needed to rush off to arrest more innocent people.  She said she needed to get home.  So, I took pity on her and let her go ahead of me in the queue.  I’m angry with her about Roy but I’m not a complete cowbag.  She looked pretty startled but thanked me and accepted it.

 

Lisa

 

1^st April 2024

12:34

 

The couple who came to view the house the other night have put in an offer.  It’s close enough to the asking price that I’ve decided to accept it.  To be honest, I would have accepted lower.  I just need this house sold.  I need to get out of there.  I can’t continue to live my life haunted by Becky’s ghost.  I mean, I know she’ll follow me.  And I don’t want her to go away exactly.  I just can’t have her suffocating me like this.  I can’t breathe.

 

Carla

 

1^st April 2024

4:54pm

 

So, Gary has told me that he is selling the factory building.  Bollocks.  Absolute bollocks.  He has given me first refusal, which in normal circumstances, would be great.  I could buy it.  But because of fucking Stephen Reid, I just don’t have that kind of money to hand.  I have no chance of raising that kind of capital.  I can barely pay my staff.  They’re all one pay cheque away from walking out of me.  I definitely can’t afford to buy a building.  So, after all that fighting over the past few months, I might lose the business after all.  Whoever does buy the building from him, might not want to house us.  So then what will I do?

 

In other news, Tracy and Steve got back together.  And in the record for shortest relationships in the history of the world, they broke up again a few hours later.  She’s headed off back to Spain to be with Tommy again.  I mean, I won’t miss her.  I find her fairly entertaining at times but she’s still a bloody psycho.

 

Lisa

 

2^nd April 2024

11:09

 

It’s my day off, by which I mean, I am wading through paperwork at home because, well, what else do I have to fill my day with?  I have been to the gym and I really punished myself with a heavy work out.  I’m pretty knackered now, to be honest, so I might watch a bit of telly for a bit and then do some work.  But my days off are definitely not fun anymore.

 

I told Betsy about the offer I’d accepted and the one I’d put in on the house we went to see at the weekend.  If I’d hoped for teenage disinterest, it’s not what I got.  She kicked off massively and screamed at me for about two hours.  It was awful.  I thought a neighbour was going to come and knock on the door or call the police or something.  Now that would have been embarrassing.  Imagine PC Tinker showing up at my door for a domestic with my kid.

“No, honestly, Craig, we’re fine.  My daughter’s grief just makes her a bit verbally aggressive at times.”

 

So, she refused to speak to me this morning and didn’t even want a lift to school, even though I was up and ready to go to the gym, which was in the same direction.  I just don’t know how to make things better between us.  And I don’t know how to explain to her that not everything can be about what she needs and wants.  I know she’s struggling but I’m not coping either and I need to do something that will help me heal.  I don’t know.  Maybe she doesn’t want me to.

 

Carla

 

2^nd April 2024

11:44pm

 

So, here’s a weird one for you.  Ryan just came home from a very awkward and stressful dinner party with Daisy, Daniel and Bethany (I mean, who the hell thought that was a good idea anyway?)  But during the meal, which to be fair, Daisy had put a lot of effort into, Bethany got drunk and blatantly accused Daisy (and Jenny) of stealing my money.  The £250K that Stephen stole from me.

 

I dismissed it at first but now… little things are starting to make sense.  The way Jenny and Daisy have been with me recently.  The weird little lies they’ve told about who owns the pub and how they raised the cash.  I mean, why and how did Bethany come to this conclusion?  I know she’s had her nose in Stephen’s journal recently.  She even said a few strange things to me about it all the other day that didn’t make sense at the time.  I need to speak to Jenny.  I need to get to the bottom of it once and for all.

 

Meanwhile, I met up with Dee Dee, Alya and Nina today to discuss Roy.  We’re all so worried about him and how he’s coping.  He’s still getting these abusive phone calls which everyone is trying to field.  It’s just not fair.  This shouldn’t be happening to him.  He’s the kindest man in the world.  He doesn’t deserve this.  I wish DS Swain and those morons on line knew Roy like we did.

 

Lisa

 

3^rd April 2024

16:50

 

The weirdest thing just happened.  I got a call from the front desk about forty five minutes ago to say that Carla Barlow was here, demanding to see me.  I mean, you can imagine how thrilled I was.  I mean, what the hell did she want this time?  To yell at me some more about Roy?  To nag me about her bloody money?  I have no idea but I was already having a crap day and I wasn’t in the mood to have her yell at me.  Again.  Also, I don’t really appreciate being treated as her personal copper.  If she wants to report something, she can speak to anyone.  She doesn’t need to personally hunt me down for every tiny thing.

 

Anyway, I was genuinely busy.  But I probably could have got to her quicker than I did.  Not a lot quicker but quicker.  Only, when I did get there – she was gone!  She’d obviously got pissed off with waiting and she left.  I asked at the front desk and they said she’d left about fifteen minutes before I got up there.  I mean, it would have been useful if they’d bothered to tell me so I didn’t need to interrupt my day to go and talk to no-one but, whatever!

 

And now it’s bugging me, wondering what she wanted…

 

Carla

 

3^rd April 2024

10:32pm

 

Well, call me DS Carla Flamin’ Connor because I just cracked a fucking crime!  One that DS Swain point blank refused to even investigate!

 

So, I finally know where my money went.  You know, the cash Stephen stole from me?  It got stolen again, if you please.  Bethany was right.  Somehow, Daisy and Jenny managed to crack the codes in his bonkers journal, accessed his account and robbed me of my cash.  And they used it to buy the pub back.  I am absolutely raging!  I don’t think I’ve ever screamed so loud in my life.

 

More than angry, actually, I’m hurt.  Not by Daisy.  I don’t give a shit about Daisy.  But Jenny… she was married to my Dad.  She was technically my stepmum, as weird as it was.  And I liked her.  She’s a bit annoying but we get on.  I respect her.  I care about her.  And I thought she felt the same about me.  Especially after Johnny died.  We’ve looked out for each other all this time.

 

The reason I went against DS Swain’s advice/request in the first place was because I was so frightened of Stephen harming Jenny.  I was so frightened of her becoming his next victim.  In hindsight, I should have just let DS Swain handle everything, as ineffective as she is.  Then Peter wouldn’t have needed to take the law into his own hands, that wouldn’t have cost him his mental health and then perhaps it wouldn’t have cost us our marriage.  And as for Jenny, well, who even cares now?  I mean, I do care.  Obviously, I care.  But I’m just so angry and so hurt.  How could she do this to me?

 

She was absolutely pathetic as well.  As soon as she crumbled, she absolutely grovelled and was desperate to try and arrange a way to pay it back.  I mean, she’ll still be paying it back when we’re in care homes at the rate she suggested!  She also tried to blame the entire thing on Daisy, which annoyed me.  I have no doubt that it was that bitch’s idea and she was the driving force behind it but Jenny is NOT blameless.  She could have halted the plan at any time.  She could have stopped it.  She didn’t.  She’s just as guilty.

 

I was all set to go to the police.  I even went to the police station.  If DS Swain hadn’t taken an absolute age to find time to see me, I would have reported them both.  But Ryan came with me, devastated over what they’d done but also devastated over the idea of them being convicted for theft or fraud or whatever it would be.  Both, preferably!  He was so worried and so sad and I just felt so guilty.  I am still fucking furious but I love Ryan more than I hate them so I gave in and we left.

 

I went back to the pub and immediately sacked Daisy, who had the audacity to be pissed off.  I made my feelings about Jenny abundantly clear.  I told her that for all intents and purposes, until the debt is paid, the pub is mine.  I’m going to go through the books and I’m going to get my accountant to do the same – which Jenny will be billed for.  She can stay on and run the pub and she will pay me every single penny back, starting with any money she hasn’t yet spent.

 

She was pathetically grateful, although still blaming Daisy entirely.  I am still fuming.  It’s going to take a long time for me to calm down.  I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision or not but Ryan is grateful.  I don’t know if he and Daisy are going to stay together or not.  I hope not.  I didn’t like Daisy before but I know for sure that he deserves better than her now.  As for me and Jenny… I don’t think we’ll ever come back from this.

 

Lisa

 

8^th April 2024

22:24

 

It’s been another long day.  I came home to dinner, cooked for me by Betsy.  I tried not to look as suspicious as I felt, being that she’s barely spoken to me for the last week or so.  She seemed back to ‘normal’ tonight.  Friendly, even.  I have yet to figure out what she wants/has done wrong.  But you know, a night of food and pleasant company?  No arguments?  I’ll take it.

 

That Mason Radcliff was found guilty in court today.  He’d been harassing and bullying this poor kid, Liam for months, to the point that he attempted suicide.  There was a fight, some weeks ago, where Mason brought a knife.  After a lot of confusion and lies, Mason was eventually charged for possession and threat with a bladed article.  He’s finally been brought to justice today.  I just hope that Liam can move on with his life now and begin to heal from everything he’s been through.  And I am so relieved that Mason and his gang are not the crowd that Betsy hangs around with.

 

Carla

 

8^th April 2024

10:24pm

 

Well, some good news today.  Mason Radcliff was found guilty and although he hasn’t been sentenced yet, the judge said it will be custodial.  Hopefully Liam will be able to begin to heal and move on now from everything that bully has done to him.  I was going to go for a drink with Maria tonight to celebrate but what with one thing and another, it didn’t happen but we’ll arrange something soon.  She needs to be with her family and I’ve had another tumultuous day with Jenny and Daisy.  Plus, Roy is still receiving those awful phone calls.  We’re trying to shield him from them but it’s so hard when they’re ringing the café.  And he’s tried to make contact with Lauren’s Mum now, for some unknown reason, so he’s eagerly listening out for the phone, hoping she will call him back.  I mean, he just doesn’t make things easy on himself, that man.  Why does he want to speak to her?  I don’t think Lauren even speaks to her!

 

So, today, I went through all the accounts with Jenny, who says she’ll transfer all the cash she has over to me.  I haven’t seen it yet but I do think she will.  I just hope she hurries up because I don’t want to run out of time to tell Gary that I want to buy the building from him after all.  And I think I should be able to do it now.  Just.

 

Then suddenly, out of the blue, Daisy handed me a load of cash.  She went through and sold a load of handbags and things – most of which she bought with my money, I hasten to add – and gave me the profits.  She actually apologised.  I was shocked.  And of course, Ryan fell for it all and now they’re back together, which makes me feel sick.  She just doesn’t deserve him.  I know she’s going to hurt him.  Badly.  I mean, look how they got together in the first place – she cheated on Daniel to sleep with him.  I know he’s a grown man who can make his own decisions but he’s too nice.  Too good for her.  I’m not happy about this at all.  But giving me some money back and apologising, whether she meant it or not… well, it’s a start, I suppose.

 

Next time... Roy is charged with murder, Bobby lies to the police and Lisa continues to struggle at home...

Chapter 10: The Lie

Carla

 

11^th April 2024

3pm

 

I am sat in The Bistro, working.  Well, I’m on a break from working because it’s boring and stressful and I honestly, cannot be bothered with all these accounts.  But I have to get them done if I’m going to buy the factory building from Gary.  He’s been kind enough to give me the extra time, after I turned him down.  I’m just relieved I rumbled Jenny and Daisy’s theft in time to go ahead and I’m not going to lose the building or inherit a new landlord.  Gary’s been decent in the time he’s owned it.  It’ll be nice to have it all to myself and be in charge of my own destiny, even if everything seems to be firing at me all at the same time.  I should probably buy Bethany some flowers or something to say thanks.

 

Lisa

 

11^th April 2024

19:33

 

I spent today beginning to sort out the house in preparation for moving.  Things are slowly starting to take shape and as always happens with these things, they gather pace very quickly.  We’ve lived in the same house for twenty years.  We have so much crap.  I have so much to sort out.  I didn’t really go through any of Becky’s stuff when she died.  It’s mostly all just still here, like she’s going to come home to it one day, like she’s been on a long holiday.  That’s one of the reasons why we need to leave.  I need a reason to pack everything up and sort it all out.  I don’t want to chuck it all.  Of course I don’t.  But I need to go through things.  Tidy things away.  I need to learn to compartmentalise.  Breathe.

 

So, today, I made a start.  A small start but a start.

 

Lisa

 

12^th April 2024

20:01

 

I’ve charged Roy Cropper with murder.  I haven’t had an abusive phone call from Carla so I’m assuming his solicitor, Dee Dee hasn’t been back to share the news yet.  He’s being held here overnight and then he’ll have a bail hearing tomorrow but it’s a murder charge.  The chances of bail are slim to none.  He’ll most likely be remanded in prison.  I’m not entirely happy about it.  I wanted to keep investigating until I was surer but he completely fucked up today.  He assaulted a woman.  To be fair, she had been impersonating Lauren’s mother, trying to get intel on ‘Creepy Cropper’. 

 

Roy confessed to the assault.  She pressed his buttons by implying he had harmed his late wife, Hayley, who died of cancer some years ago.  I understand the trigger.  The grief.  The love.  But the woman ended up with a head injury, falling off the curb after an altercation, all captured on video and of course, posted to fucking social media.  Between that and the evidence we already have.  His interactions with Lauren, the weird cleanup of the property.  Everything is adding up to a picture I really didn’t want to see.

 

I went to his flat to bring him into custody and that Evelyn woman tried to lie and say she was the one who pushed the woman.  Roy wasn’t impressed by her lying, which I found interesting.  He was so honest.  Not the usual behaviour of the murderer.  Honesty.  But still, the evidence…

 

Carla was there.  She actually didn’t yell at me for once or argue.  She even pointed out to Evelyn, who was ranting and raving at me that I was only doing my job.  It was probably the most reasonable thing I’ve ever heard her say while I’ve been working.  When I’ve not been working, she’s been quite pleasant.  But the thing I was most struck by was the way she was with Roy.  She was so loving, so caring towards him.  She helped him put his coat on and get ready.  She spoke so gently to him and made sure he knew not to talk to us until his solicitor got there.  The only side I’ve ever seen of her during this case is this mouthy, feisty side.  Even her protective side.  I was surprised that she could be so soft, so kind.

 

We went through the interview process.  Dee Dee Bailey showed up to represent Roy.  She’s a good solicitor but she wasn’t good enough.  Part of me wishes she had been.  We charged Roy and he’ll be in a cell tonight. 

 

I’ll be going home to my own cell, I guess.  The house that used to be my home.  Betsy is upset with me again, since I started packing and sorting to move.  It’s different for her.  It was her Mum that died.  She has all these memories of her mother, happy family moments that she will cherish forever.  They fill her, even though she misses her.  I wake up every morning and the first thing that hits me in the face is Becky’s absence in the space in the bed next to me.  The bed we made love in.  Knowing I’m never going to have that again.  That I’m never going to be touched again.  I’ve spent two years not even being bothered to touch myself.  I don’t have the energy or the inclination.  I used to have such a high libido and now everything is dead from the waist down.  Noticing how pretty Carla is recently, especially that evening I interviewed Bobby, was literally the first time there was even a hint of anything.  And that still wasn’t much.  A distraction a best.

 

But my life in this house… it’s hell.  It’s every memory, every reminder of everything I’ve lost.  Trapped with a teenager who hates me.  Then I go to work with colleagues who barely tolerate me.  Serving a public who can’t stand me.  Wrapped up in grief I can’t escape.  It’s hell.  It’s absolute hell.  If we can move, if I can buy new things, a new bed, a new living room suite… start afresh… if I can just find some space to breathe… maybe I can find a way to try and start again.

 

Carla

 

12^th April 2024

9:37pm

 

Roy is spending tonight in a cell.  He has actually been charged with Lauren’s murder.  I can hardly get my head around it.  All this time I’ve been trying to stay positive, trying to tell myself and everyone else that it wasn’t possible that he could be done for a crime he didn’t commit.  That that stupid Detective couldn’t possibly get it so ridiculously wrong.  And she has.  I just can’t believe she would do it.  And she has.  I feel like phoning her and giving her a piece of my mind!

 

I know he messed up today.  It wasn’t his fault but he did make a mistake.  I mean, his first mistake was believing that horrible woman and inviting her into his home.  But that’s Roy.  Trusting to a fault.  He believed she was Lauren’s Mum.  Of course, she turned out to be one of these awful social media vampires.  And then she came at him again, harassing him and she tripped over, accused him of attacking her.  She made some awful comment about Hayley and it all just spiralled.  Evelyn didn’t help.  First, dragging him out when he didn’t want to go, which is when it happened.  And then trying to tell DS Swain that it was her who pushed the woman, not Roy.  I mean, as if Roy would be willing to go along with a lie.

 

I did my best to comfort Roy, reassure him, remind him not to speak until Dee Dee was there.  But it meant nothing because DS Swain charged him anyway.  With Murder!  Bloody Murder!  As if Roy could kill anyone.  He sets spiders free, for goodness’ sake!  I am so angry!  How could that woman look at Roy and see a killer?  What kind of copper is she?  What’s wrong with her?  She just wants an easy conviction, doesn’t she?  And who’s an easier target than Roy Cropper?

 

Lisa

 

15^th April 2024

14:57

 

An interesting turn of events today.  Bobby Crawford turned up at the station with a load of fresh new information about Lauren Bolton’s disappearance.  Funnily enough, just on the day that Roy has been remanded in custody for her murder.  That’s Bobby Crawford, nephew to Carla Barlow, best friend to Roy Cropper, by the way.  Not that I’m remotely cynical.

 

Apparently, he was witness to a man running out of her flat – a man, who bears no resemblance whatsoever to Roy Cropper.  He claims he didn’t come forward with it before because he was scared.  He said he ran home and told his Auntie Carla all about it.  And yet Auntie Carla, despite her best friend in the whole world, never thought to mention it to me on any of the occasions that she was screaming at me about Roy’s innocence.  Weird, right?  Or absolute bullshit.

 

But he’s made a formal statement about this mystery, or should I say, imaginary assailant, so I have to look into it now.  I’m pissed off because all this does is detract from the real investigation.

 

However, I’m actually knocking off for today and I’m determined to forget about the investigation until I’m back on shift.  I managed to persuade Betsy to let me pick her up from school.  We’re going for dinner and to the cinema.  I don’t think she actually believes I’m going to turn up but I am.  I need to make the effort to spend time with my daughter.  I need to repair things.  She’s still so angry with me over the move and… well, everything else.  I need to show her how much I care.  And I need to make sure this case doesn’t take over so much of my life that I neglect her.  This is a massive year for her.  She’s studying for her GCSEs.  She’ll be in college in September, all being well.  I need to put her first, not just the job, as desperate as I am to find Lauren, find out what happened to her.

 

Carla

 

15^th April 2024

10:11pm

 

I am so angry with Bobby!  He’s only gone and made a ridiculous false statement to DS Swain, claiming to have seen some bloke running away from Lauren’s flat.  He told her that he didn’t mention it before because he was scared but that he told me about it.  Why the hell did he have to drag me into it?!  I don’t want to lie to DS Swain about some bullshit Bobby’s made up. 

 

For starters, I think she’ll see right through me.  Secondly, I don’t think lying will help anything.  I think it’ll balls up the investigation, which is pretty messed up already judging by the fact they’ve got an innocent man behind bars.  And thirdly, I don’t want to disappoint said innocent man.  He doesn’t do dishonesty, not even if it’s for a good cause.  Not even if that good cause is to get him out of prison.  He’ll be so upset with me if I lie.  And I don’t want to upset him.  I always want him to be proud of me.  I work hard to make him proud of me, always. 

 

I went with Nina and Evelyn to court today for his hearing.  He was remanded in custody until his trial.  I know I should have expected it.  I mean, it’s not common for people on trial for murder to get bailed, is it?  Dee Dee said the other week that it was a kindness from DS Swain that he got bail the first time.  She said not many coppers would even consider it.  But I suppose there was hope in my heart that someone would do us another kindness and understand that Roy isn’t a threat, that he doesn’t deserve to be behind bars.  I half expected DS Swain to be there, to admire her handiwork but she wasn’t.  I suppose I should have known better.  She’s determined but not unkind.  She wouldn’t have sat there gloating.  As angry as I am over the whole thing, I do understand that she’s just doing her job.

 

When we got to court, Dee Dee gave Evelyn, Nina and I a letter from Roy.  We all nearly burst into tears.  The last time we got letter from Roy, he thought he was going to die.  It really felt then like he had given up on himself.  It hurt.  A lot.  Evelyn couldn’t handle it.  She hurried off to go and look after the dog.  I was left to look after Nina, although I didn’t do a great job.  I had to leave court partway through the prosecution’s attack on Roy.  Once they’d deadnamed Hayley, I’d had enough.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  It was too much for me.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  It meant I missed Dee Dee, although Nina said she gave it everything.  And I know that Dee Dee was heartbroken at not being able to do enough to save him.  I criticised her in the pub later and I feel really bad about that now.  She honestly tried her best and yes, she will get paid for it but I know she’s not doing it for the money.  She’s doing it because she cares.

 

We missed his call tonight.  We thought he’d call one of our mobiles, completely forgetting that he probably didn’t know any of our numbers by heart.  So, while we were in the pub, waiting for his call, he was ringing the café and we missed him.  I am so beyond gutted.

 

Oh, I am so angry with Bobby for doing this.  But if I don’t lie, I could get Bobby into big trouble and let’s face it, DS Swain’s a hard faced bitch.  She’s not exactly the compassionate type.  I feel sorry for that daughter of hers.  I bet they get a right rough time of it.  She must be so strict.  No wonder she’s not married anymore!  Can you imagine how much she must have nagged him?  Take the bins out!  Pick up your socks!  There must have been hell to pay.  I wonder if she ever used her handcuffs at home…  I don’t know where that came from.  It’s been a long day.

 

Carla

 

16^th April 2024

7:30pm

 

Today would have been mine and Peter’s third wedding anniversary.  Well, technically it still is.  It’s weird when I think about it.  We were together for so long, on and off, to only have been married in the end for three years, feels like a bit of a disservice.  But that’s all it was.  Even when you throw in the first time, we weren’t married long.  And I guess we’ll get divorced at some point.  That will hurt a lot.  Four months, nearly, we’ve been apart now.  And so much has happened.  So much I could really have done with his support for.  But he’s out there, living his best life.  There have been loads of times I’ve wanted to call him or contact him, find out what he’s been doing but I’ve resisted.  I’ve really struggled not to contact him this morning.  But wishing him Happy Anniversary seems vastly inappropriate.  I just hope he’s happy, sailing the seven seas.  Or at least, The Mediterranean.

 

DS Swain called Bobby in for another interview this morning.  He said she really grilled him – he likened her to Jaws!  I mean, she’s a lot more alluring than a Great White Shark but I get what he means.  He panicked and added in an extra detail about a particular type of coat the imaginary bloke was wearing and somehow, this has led her to interview Daniel again.  I feel so stressed by the whole thing.  I wasn’t happy about Bobby lying to her anyway but if it’s going to lead her to accuse another innocent man – the brother of my ex-husband, no less, then I’m really not happy about it.  I’m not a Barlow anymore.  I mean, technically I am.  But I’m thinking of changing back to Connor.  It doesn’t feel right using Barlow anymore, not when I’m not with Peter anymore.  The name feels… borrowed.  Not mine.  I’ve always been a Connor.  I didn’t start my life out as one but, as it turns out, I should have done.  I’ve never felt like a Donovan.  Never really felt like a Barlow.  I can’t imagine wanting to be anything else.  No.  The sooner I get back to Connor, the sooner I’ll feel more like myself again.  But anyway, my point was that I might not be a Barlow anymore but I do still have loyalty to the family.  I always will.  It’s over with Peter but I still care about him, still care about Simon, still care about all of them.  Apart from Tracy.  Obviously.

 

I was all set to tell DS Swain the truth.  I know Roy would object to us lying, especially if it put an innocent man in the frame, in the same position he is in.  She left me a voicemail, asking me to contact her.  I was on my way to take Bobby down to the station so we could admit to everything, when we bumped into Nina.  She was exhausted from having to walk miles to the tram to get home from the prison.  There were no cabs.  Why on earth she didn’t call me for a lift, I had no idea.  And she didn’t even get to see Roy, anyway.  He refused to come out of his cell, apparently.  He hasn’t come out of his cell since he was remanded.  He won’t speak to anyone, won’t eat.  They’re really worried about him and now, so are we.  It’s like he’s completely shut down.

 

While we were discussing it, DS Swain and one of her colleagues tipped up, looking for me.  It probably looked like I was avoiding her, which I genuinely wasn’t.  Nina had a right go at her about Roy.  I sent her and Bobby away and went to the station to give my statement and… I lied.  I lied.  I was so anxious the whole time.  I felt like she could see through me.  Like, she knew I was lying.  She asked me enough questions, trying to trip me up.  I could hear the scepticism in her voice, namely – why didn’t I tell Bobby to report it immediately, or certainly why didn’t I mention it when Roy became a suspect, ‘during one of the times you were shouting the odds at me during the course of my investigation’, was what I think she said.  So, she takes these things to heart then…  Maybe she’s not so impenetrable after all.  I blundered my way through the interview.  I don’t think she believed a word I said.  But she accepted it.  For now.  And she’s continuing to investigate.  Which means that there’s still hope.

 

Lisa

 

16^th April 2024

21:34

 

Betsy and I had a nice time last night.  We didn’t even argue.  I let her choose the food and the movie and it was nice just to be mother and daughter for a change.  We even had a bit of a laugh together.  We need to do it more.  I need to try harder.  She does too but she’s the kid, I’m the adult.  It’s on me.  I know it is.  I need to be better.  It’s hard at the moment as I’m so consumed with the Lauren Bolton case.  I’ve always been the same.  When there’s a big case on at work, I lose myself.  That was one of the many joys of Bex.  She could compartmentalise.  She could leave work at the station and focus solely on being a Mum when she walked through the door.  That’s why she was such a better Mum than I could ever be.  That’s why she was a better wife.  That’s why she was better person.  I always wonder what she would have been like when she became a Detective.  And she would absolutely have become one.  A bloody good one as well.  But she wasn’t as ambitious and tunnel visioned as me.  She didn’t sacrifice our family life like I always have.  Like I say, better Mum, better wife, better person.

 

I interviewed Daniel Osbourne again today.  I don’t know if it will lead to anything – to be honest, I suspect not because I am certain that the information Bobby has given me is absolute tripe – but he described a very specific coat that the assailant was wearing, as one that Daniel donated recently to a charity shop.  So, I hauled him in for questioning.

 

I was already very interested in Daniel and Lauren’s relationship.  He was tutoring her for free.  And like Roy, he was particularly kind to her for apparently no reason and he doesn’t exactly have the most honourable past.  Dealings with sex workers, various altercations…  I’m not entirely sure how he’s still teaching, particularly where he’s teaching.  But that’s a matter for them, I suppose.

 

He denied everything, although he was pretty flustered by everything.  He seemed very confused about why his charity donations were relevant.  I’m still a bit confused by Bobby’s descriptions and where he got them from.  I don’t think he got them from seeing anything or being threatened by an actual person.

 

I managed to catch up with Carla before I knocked off.  I’d left her a voicemail earlier in the day, which she didn’t return but I bumped into her, Bobby and Nina and asked to speak to her (after Nina gave me a right earful about how badly Roy’s coping in prison, which did upset me, not that I’d let it show).  Carla came to the station and gave her account of what Bobby told her.  I willed her to tell the truth.  I hated sitting across from her while she blatantly lied to me – and not very well either.  I thought she’d better liar than that, somehow.  I suspected she’d back him up; he’s her nephew and she knows he’ll get into trouble for lying to the police, plus she wants to get the heat off Roy.  But I just hoped she’d be the kind of person to do the right thing.  I obviously overestimated her.

 

Carla

 

19^th April 2024

9:43pm

 

I’m still feeling stressed over lying to the police, lying to DS Swain.  I know it was the wrong thing to do but I hate this feeling of utter helplessness.  I know how vulnerable Roy is in there.  So fragile.  I can’t bear the thought of him being trapped behind bars with all the scumbags and villains that do genuinely deserve to be locked away, people like my brother – actual murderers.  Roy isn’t like that.  Roy is so far from a bad man and I am so incredibly frightened that he isn’t going to survive this.  Even if he gets out, who is he going to be, how is this going to have affected him?  Especially if he’s in there too long?  It’s already been too long.

 

So, when DS Swain interviewed me, before I could think about it too deeply, before I could really stop myself, I lied to her.  I backed up Bobby’s story.  I didn’t go into detail.  I kept it as vague as I could.  I tried not to tell too many lies.  For my sake.  For Roy’s.  To stop those piercing eyes working me out.  She didn’t push me too hard.  She just gathered the facts and let me go on with my day.  But I felt like she was reading my soul.  How can a stranger do that?  Do they teach you that in Detective school or something?  Because I’ve been in my fair share of interview rooms and I’ve never been affected by a copper like I am with her.  She makes me want to confess to crimes I haven’t committed!  I feel incredibly guilty for lying.  I’m worried about the effect on the case, on Roy, on Daniel, on Bobby, on me.  But it’s done.  It’s done.

 

Apparently DS Swain hauled Daniel in again today because Bobby and Max sent her photos of him with sex workers!  This is just escalating further and further.  Bobby trying to redirect away from Roy onto nobody is one thing but trying to pin things onto an actual person, someone we know, someone I care about is quite another…

 

As for Bobby, he just seems completely unbothered by everything.  I told him to keep his little admission quiet and what has he done?  Told everyone.  We had Max barge into Underworld this morning, raging about it all.  The gossip is spreading round the whole Street now.  I’ve barely slept.  I doubt I’ll sleep tonight.

 

Lisa

 

19^th April 2024

22:42

 

I am still disappointed in Carla for lying and backing up her nephew’s statement.  I get why but I thought she was better than that.  But I’m dutifully following the leads it’s taking me down, namely, Daniel Osbourne.  I took him in for questioning again today.  It was a bit awkward, to say the least.  I was sent photos and details of him talking to two known sex workers, one he’s already known to.  I went to ask him to come down to the station.  He argued the toss with me, demanding to know on what grounds – in front of his girlfriend.  I really didn’t want to embarrass him but I had no choice in the end, to share said grounds.  I imagine they’ve had a bit of a difficult evening this evening.

 

And then I came home to yet another fight with Betsy.  I’d forgotten she was at her mate’s house tonight and I was meant to collect her and bring her home so when I left a last minute interview about another case, I came out to a barrage of text and missed calls, demanding to know where I was and why I hadn’t come to collect her.  She screamed down the phone at me while I was driving over to meet her.  I was struggling so hard to concentrate that I nearly ran a light and nearly hit another car.  It was horrible.  She stormed up to her room and nearly slammed her bedroom door off its hinges and I haven’t heard a peep out of her since.

 

Next time... Carla and Roy fall out, Roy is rushed to hospital and Lisa begins to prepare for moving...

Chapter 11: Closer to the Truth

Notes:

My last update for today. Thank you to everyone reading this story. I'll update it again towards the end of next week (and the next chapter has 'the car scene' in it).

Carla

 

26^th April 2024

5:34pm

 

Today was a bad day.  This situation with Bobby and his fucking lie has spun wildly out of control.  I don’t know how Bobby’s idiocy is my problem.  I’ve only known the kid for four months and now somehow I’m responsible for him.  I don’t even understand how this has happened.  He’s like a bulldozer, running over my life.  He has no idea how important the Barlow family is to me.  I mean, you’d think he’d have a bit of a clue.  It’s still my bloody surname.  But he just seems to think that Peter’s my ex so I shouldn’t care about him or his family anymore.  It doesn’t work like that.  I still miss Peter.  I still care about him.  We didn’t part on bad terms.  It was a sad breakup.  Not a bad one.  And I’ll always love his family.  Apart from Tracy.  Never Tracy.

 

But it was Roy’s second bail hearing today, based on the ‘new information’.  I attended court with Bobby and Nina.  We hoped, desperately that the judge would allow Roy home until trial or until someone would prove that he didn’t need to go to trial.  But no.  The witch decided that Roy was a danger to society and sent him right back to jail.  She was sceptical of the statement and concerned about the fact that he broke his bail conditions last time.  I mean, what a joke.

 

Afterwards, I was in the pub with the others, all of us consoling ourselves, when Roy called, asking to see me.  I knew what it was about before he even said anything.  That’s the problem with Roy.  He’s too astute.  I knew in court that he knew it was all a lie.  He saw through Bobby and he saw through me.  He’s also ridiculously reasonable.  He even said he understood why DS Swain arrested him.  He said that despite his innocence, he agrees that the evidence against him is compelling.

 

He asked me directly if Bobby lied in his statement.  I tried to lie at first.  I tried to say it was all my fault.  I just didn’t want him to be angry with Bobby.  I didn’t want Bobby to get into trouble.  But again, he saw through me completely.  So, I told him the truth.  We ended up arguing about whether lying was the right thing to do or not, about us all now being accessories.  I begged him to stay quiet.  But he just stormed off without giving me an answer.

 

I’ve since had an argument with Bobby, which may or may not have been fair.  It’s just… he was only really concerned about whether Roy was going to tell on us or not.  And my heart feels smashed to pieces, seeing Roy in that place.  It’s the first time I’ve been able to visit.  And then for it to go so badly…  It was awful.  I hated seeing the disappointment on his face.  I’ve always tried to make him proud, him and Hayley both.  And I know I’ve let him down before.  Too many times to count, actually.  But I honestly felt like that part of my life was over.  I felt like I’d got to a place in my life where I was finally mature.  I mean, I’ll be fifty next year.  Fucking fifty.  How am I still messing up?  How am I still letting that man down?

 

Lisa

 

26^th April 2024

19:11

 

I had the day off today.  Things are really starting to gear up with the house move.  It’s all in the hands of solicitors now.  As long as nobody breaks the delicate chain, we should be moved and out of here very soon, I hope.  But it means shit loads of packing and organising.  And Betsy refuses to help.  Every time I ask, she claims she’s revising, which really just looks a lot like scrolling on social media to me.

 

I spent all day on the kitchen today, clearing out all the crap we’ve accumulated over the years.  I don’t think it’s wise to pack yet.  Not until we have an actual moving date.  But I want to go through everything and minimise what we have to pack.

 

Weirdest thing though.  I got a phone call from Roy Cropper just now, asking me to come and visit him tomorrow.  He says he wants to talk to me about something…

 

Carla

 

29^th April 2024

4:01pm

 

Well, if I thought yesterday was a bad day, today was even worse.  It started with Roy literally hanging up on me on the phone.  I was so desperate to speak to him but when Shona handed over the phone at café, he’d hung up before I even got to say ‘hello’.

 

I then had to deal with work and I just wasn’t in the mood.  I particularly wasn’t in the mood for Bobby buzzing around me like an annoying fly.  I mean, he was actually being quite sweet.  He made me a cup of tea, trying to apologise.  But then he couldn’t bring it in, so I had to go and get it myself, which was fine.  It’s the thought the counts and I do appreciate that he’s trying to make things up to me.  But the truth is, he can’t.  My friendship with Roy is over and there will no recovering from that.  I’ve lost him and I just… I don’t know how to live my life without him.  I don’t know if I can.

 

And to make matters worse, Roy is now in hospital.  He collapsed in prison, before he managed to get to his visit with Nina.  He fainted due to low blood sugar and dehydration.  I rushed in to see him but I’d been removed from the visitor list.  Yeah.  That’s what it’s become.  Roy actually removed me from his visitor list yesterday.

 

Then of course, who should turn up at the hospital but DS Swain?  Apparently Roy phoned her last night, claiming he had something to speak to her about.  But before she’d got to the prison today, she got the call to say he’d been taken ill.  She was full of questions and ‘wit’ and I had plenty to fire back at her.  Honestly, she was gnawing on my last nerve, following me round the waiting room, wanting to know what Roy had wanted to speak to her about.  I made some comment about locking her up innocent people.

 

I watched from outside, as she interviewed him.  It was short.  She didn’t look impressed when she left.  I pounced on her as soon as she left the room, desperate for some kind of information on what he might have said but of course, she didn’t tell me anything.  I even lowered myself to ask her to help me get in to see him.  She enjoyed telling me no, she couldn’t help.  I needed to be on the list and besides, she had more innocent people to arrest.  Honestly, I can’t remember the last time someone riled me up like that woman does.  And I could have done without Bobby swooning over her this morning too.  He keeps calling her Jaws and when I told him off, he started going on about hot she is instead.  I mean, as if that’s relevant.

 

Eventually, Roy agreed to see me and honestly, I wish he hadn’t now.  He  was still very angry with me for the lie Bobby and I have told the police.  I don’t blame him, even if we did it for the right reasons.  He told me in no uncertain terms that our friendship is over.  I can’t even explain how devastated I am.  He is my best friend in the whole world.  He is the Dad I never had.  What am I going to do without him?

 

My heart is broken.

 

Lisa

 

29^th April 2024

18:21

 

Roy Cropper was rushed to hospital today.  Low blood sugar and dehydration.  I was on my way in to see him when I got the call and I diverted to the hospital.

 

I met Carla in the waiting room.  I have to admit, I felt sorry for her.  She looked out of her mind with worry, like she might actually burst into tears from stress.  It turned out she wasn’t on Roy’s visiting list so she wasn’t allowed in to see him.  And of course, that only piques my curiosity more as to why Roy would take his closest friend off his list.  What has she done wrong?  Made a false statement to the police, perhaps?

 

But in the moment, as I watched her fret, my heart did go out to her.  Whatever she’s done, right then, she was just a woman, scared out of her mind.  I felt genuinely sorry for her.  I could have just hugged her.  I was really shocked to realise that’s what I wanted to do.  Maybe because I wish someone would hug me.  Just once.  Give me just an ounce of comfort for all the pain I’m in.

 

Obviously, I didn’t comfort her.  I wasn’t even nice to her.  She was rude to me the moment she saw me.  And we just kept sparring the whole time I was there.  In a way, it was quite fun.  I’ve kind of started to enjoy sparring with her.  She’s feisty and I like that about her.  She accused me of locking up innocent people so when she asked for my help getting back on the list, I told her I was too busy, I had more innocent people to lock up.  I mean, I wouldn’t have been able to help anyway.  That’s a prison issue.  Not my area.

 

As for Roy… he bottled it.  I’m sure he phoned to tell me Carla and Bobby were lying.  But he made up some shit excuse about just wanting to know how the case was going.  He loves Carla.  He didn’t want to get her into trouble.  And he would have done.  I would have thrown the book at them both.  Probably.  Maybe.  Ugh, I don’t know what it is about that woman.  She gets under my skin.

 

Carla

 

30^th April 2024

2:30pm

 

I have not been in the best of moods so I’ve been working from home.  It’s honestly the best place for me.  I did venture out to the café and I had to admit to Nina and Evelyn that Roy isn’t speaking to me, although obviously I didn’t explain why.  It was so humiliating and so heartbreaking.  All I can think about is the pain he’s in.  In hospital.  In prison.  So alone.  And now he’s cut me off, he’ll be thinking that he has one less person in his corner, one less person fighting for him.  Well, he hasn’t.  He’s still got me.  He’ll always have me, no matter what.  I love that man.  I’ll do anything for him. 

 

But that’s the problem, isn’t it? 

 

I mean, I wouldn’t have chosen to lie to the police.  I still don’t think DS Swain believes a word Bobby and I have said.  I get all tongue tied whenever I see her.  I mean, I think I held my own pretty well yesterday.  She’d actually make quite a good sparring partner.  You know, if Roy’s life wasn’t on the line.  If it all wasn’t so stressful and serious, I’d quite enjoy bouncing off her, playing with her. 

 

Okay, that sounds ruder than I intended it.

 

Lisa

 

30^th April 2024

23:49

 

It has been such a long day.  Things are so tense at home; I can hardly stand it.  Betsy is point blank refusing to sort out any of her stuff.  She’s barely even speaking to me.  We’ve got a vague move date for June.  It’s barely a month away, all being well and there’s so much to organise.  How did I let this house get into such disarray?  Well, I know how.  Becky died and I buried myself in grief and work.  And grief. 

 

I was at work from 8am to 8pm today.  I haven’t even eaten.  I just got stuck straight into firing off emails to solicitors and estate agents as soon as I got home and then continued to try and sort out all this crap.  I’ve decided just to hire a skip.  I don’t have time to do as many tip runs as I’m going to need to do because we have so much junk we don’t need.  I’ve cleared out most of the kitchen of junk and it’s all just piled up in the dining room.  I’ve found a company and I’m going to call them in the morning to arrange it.  Then we can just dump everything in there and have them take it away.  It should make things a lot easier.

 

Lisa

 

10^th May 2024

13:45

 

What a fucker of a day.  I started with my daily argument with Besty over the skip/move and all things related.  She is refusing to help in any way whatsoever.  It’s too late now.  Not that I would have changed my mind.  I’m killing myself to get everything done and organised.  It’s all meant to be happening the first week of June, which is going to come quicker than a flash.  I know it is.  I’ve cleared out the kitchen, the lounge and the dining room.  I’ve dumped a load of stuff into the skip, packed a load of things off to the charity shop.  I’ve resisted actually packing yet.  It feels like tempting fate.  I can pack in a week.  I’ve just got the bathroom, the spare room and our… my room to do.  My room will be the hardest.  All of Becky’s personal things are in there.  Things I’ve not been able to let go of.  The real reason for the move.  The things I want to take, things I know I have to part with.  She wouldn’t want me to keep every single item of clothing, stored in the wardrobe as if she is coming back to wear them, as if she’s just gone away for the weekend.  They should have been taken to the charity shop years ago.  I just haven’t been able to do it.  I still don’t know if I can.  But I know I have to.

 

And to round off my day, bearing in mind it’s only lunch time; I had Daniel Osbourne and Bethany Platt in here this morning, making a complaint over not being informed that Nathan Curtis, the man who groomed and abused Bethany, has been released from prison.  It wasn’t my case but I’m painfully aware of what that monster put her through.  She was a child.  What he did was evil.  HE is evil.  Evidently, she was written to but the letter went astray and she didn’t receive it or it went to a wrong address, perhaps.  So, she found out by actually seeing him on the street.  He’s got a job working for a builders, locally.  I mean, if you had any kind of conscience, you’d fuck off from under her nose, wouldn’t you?  But no, he hasn’t.  Evil.

 

She is adamant that he’s responsible for killing Lauren.  She thinks it all fits; Nathan was released just in time for all of this to kick off.  I said I’d send someone round to speak to him but a hunch isn’t evidence, unfortunately.  I mean, honestly, I’d love for it to be him.  I’d love for someone like him to be responsible and locked safely away from society again and for someone who genuinely comes across like a nice if slightly odd person, like Roy, to be vindicated.  But life doesn’t work like that.  And policing doesn’t work like that.  Roy, unfortunately has a tonne of evidence stacked up against him and Nathan has a past crime, which doesn’t really count and Bethany’s hunch.

 

Of course, me offering to send someone round didn’t mean anything.  Daniel and Bethany took matters into their own hands.  An hour later, they were back with Nathan’s phone.  Stolen.  And on it, was proof that he had subscribed to Lauren’s O-Vidz account.  Well, there was at least a tangible link, I suppose.

 

However, Nathan was already in reception, with his excuses.  Sorry, explanations.  He insisted that he followed a few accounts on the site but never made contact with anybody, including Lauren, that he didn’t know who she was.  I’ve had no choice but to drop it.  For now.  Bethany was hysterical.  I reminded her that the rules still stand.  Nathan isn’t allowed to come within 250 metres of him – and that she has to stay away from him too.  I just hope this is the end of her sleuthing.  I’ve got my eye on him now.  If he’s done something to Lauren – or to anyone – I’ll find out.

 

Carla

 

10^th May 2024

4:51pm

 

It’s been one of those days at work where everyone’s been getting on my wick.  So, before I fired everyone or got myself arrested for murder or ABH, I finished early, came home and had a nice, hot bath and a large glass of red wine.  I think I just needed to switch off. 

 

And I did.  For a bit.

 

But then my mind started wandering.

 

First I fretted about Roy.  He’s out of hospital now and back in his cell.  He’s barely communicating but I gather he’s been desperately trying to remember any little detail he can about Lauren and anything that might be helpful.  He recalled something about a necklace some secret boyfriend gave her.  He’s told the police and they’re looking into it.  But that’s what they always say.

 

I miss him so much.  I miss being able to see him, able to speak to him.  I miss going to the café and failing to make him laugh because in all our years of love and friendship, he has never understood my sense of humour.  Or anybody’s actually.  I just miss him.  And I’m scared for him.  I’m scared that DS Swain might never get to the truth.  I’m scared of what Roy might really be enduring inside.  I’m scared of who he might be when he’s finally set free.  What if he isn’t Roy anymore?

 

Then I started thinking about Peter.  Wondering what life was like for him on the boat.  Is he having fun?  Does he miss me?  Does he wish he was still here?  I miss him.  I miss having someone to support me through all this.  But then… would he have supported me the way I would have needed him to?  By the end, there was just… nothing.  He was starting to resent me for any time spent on anything that wasn’t him.  The factory, mainly.  But anything that lit a fire in me.  And Roy… his freedom, his love… I haven’t been fired up about anything so much in a long time.

 

But having someone to hold.  Someone to hold me.  Ugh, someone to distract me with sex.  I wish I had that.  It’s getting a bit lonely, just me, myself and I.  And I don’t want to do my usual, you know, hop into bed with some random bloke.  I don’t want to be that person.  The next time I’m with someone, I want it to be someone I have real feelings for.  I want it to be love.

 

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have urges.  So yeah, I did.  In the bath.  But the weirdest thing happened.  No.  I can’t even write it down.  It’s too weird.  Too embarrassing.

 

Carla

 

10^th May 2024

5:15pm

 

Okay, fine.  So, I started off thinking about Peter.  It wasn’t working.  I don’t know.  Maybe I really am over him.  I mean, I am.  I feel sad about him.  I do miss him.  But I also know it’s over.  I want it to be over.  So, yeah, maybe that’s why it didn’t work.

 

So, I switched to my usual MALE celebrity crushes.  But then DS Swain kept popping into my mind!  I know!  It’s too weird to even think about.  And I orgasmed too quickly to even begin to unpick why I kept thinking about her.  How am I even going to face her next time I see her?  I don’t even like the woman!  I certainly don’t fancy her!  That’s actually ridiculous.  I might have to burn this diary now.  Imagine if someone found out I’d got myself off thinking of her?!

 

Carla

 

13^th May 2024

3:54pm

 

Dee Dee thinks she might have made some progress on Roy’s case.  The CPS have granted full access to all of Lauren’s private messages, which she is going through with a fine toothcomb with an expert that The Met use, to try and prove that Roy isn’t the sender.  I mean, surely that should be easy.  Unless the killer was literally trying to frame Roy and knew him well, it’d be impossible.  Nobody texts like Roy.  He hardly even texts anyway.  He much prefers phone calls, preferably landline to landline.  He’s only recently discovered mobile phones anyway.  It’s not like he has a long text history.  And when he does text, he does it like he speaks.  In great detail.  I’ve kept all my messages from him because they make me smile so much.

 

I’ve still got all my messages from Peter too.  I feel like I ought to delete them but… I can’t bring myself to do it.  It’s not like I sit and read through them or anything.  I don’t even look through our photos anymore.  I did that for ages in the weeks after he left.  But knowing the messages are there provide a weird kind of comfort.

 

I saw DS Swain in passing today.  We didn’t speak but we did make eye contact.  A small smile.  I am still mortified with myself over my little… incident… in the bath.  I still don’t know how that happened.

 

Lisa

 

13^th May 2024

17:59

 

I’ve just got home.  I’ve got a load more sorting to do tonight, once I’ve sorted dinner out for Betsy and me.

 

Dee Dee came to present me with new evidence in Roy’s favour today, just before I left to come home.  The CPS have granted access to all of Lauren’s messages.  She’s been sifting through them all and found a text from the boyfriend, which we’re surmising might have been Roy based on the fingerprint on the condom wrapper, with a typo in it.  She insists that Roy would never have made a typo.  It’s just not who he is.  I did have to ask whether this man walks on water, the way everyone talks about him!  But I do kind of agree.  He strikes me as meticulous, pays close attention to detail, specific.  Not a typo sort of person.  So, she can go and investigate all she likes.  It’s what he’s paying her for, after all.  Although, I suspect she’s fighting for him for love more than cash.  A rare quality in a solicitor.

 

I saw Carla briefly today, just in passing.  We didn’t speak.  There was a smile, from us both.  It was strange.  Normally, she never passes up an opportunity to shout at me, especially at the moment.  But seemed kind of… shy?  Embarrassed?  Have I done something wrong?  I don’t think I have.  I don’t remember, anyway.  The last time I saw her, she was her usual fierce self.  I don’t know what was different today.

 

Lisa

 

15^th May 204

19:29

 

I had the satisfaction of putting DC Kit Green in his place today.  In public.  He’s only worked at the station a few weeks and he’s already pissing me off.  He’s so arrogant.  So cocky.  And ridiculously tall.  Like, abnormally tall.  I know I’m short but it’s actually insane how tall he is.  If he sat in a chair, I think he’d probably still be taller than me.

 

Anyway, he dragged Bernie Winter in, drunk and apparently disorderly, under arrest.  She wasn’t disorderly at all.  Drunk, yes.  But that’s not a crime.  I actually found her quite amusing, although obviously I didn’t let on.  What I really found amusing was how smug she was when I put Kit in his place and ordered him to let her go and sober up and basically stop throwing his weight around – and actually go and do the job that I’d told him to do.  He wasn’t impressed.

 

We’ve had to bring Daniel in for questioning again.  This time for assaulting Nathan Curtis.  He has no alibi and when I sent Constables over to bring him in, he was about to lamp Ryan Connor and possibly Gary Windass.  I mean, some people just don’t help themselves, do they?  And it’s not that I’m especially bothered about Nathan getting battered.  Couldn’t have happened to a better man and all that.  However, I do not believe in vigilante justice.  Never have.  Never will.  It doesn’t do anyone any good and doesn’t make the world a better or safer place.

 

Carla

 

15^th May 2024

8:12pm

 

I heard that Daniel was brought in for questioning again.  I don’t think it was about Roy this time.  I think it was about an assault on that Nathan Curtis bastard, the one who was jailed for abusing Bethany.  Apparently, he’s been out of jail for months and nobody knew.  I mean, how can that happen?  Both that he’s been let out and that Bethany weren’t informed.  The coppers round here really are bloody incompetent.

 

It wouldn’t surprise me if Daniel had decked him.  He does have form.  He assaulted Daisy’s stalker before.  He’s always had a bit of a… streak.  He comes across very straight laced and sensible but he can definitely lash out when he wants to.  He’s definitely got it in him.  Apparently, he was trying to batter Ryan when the police turned up to bring him in for questioning!  Ryan had accidentally put his foot in it with Bethany earlier and Daniel hit the roof.

 

Next time... Carla learns that Peter has moved on, Roy comes home and Carla and Lisa share a moment (or two)...

Chapter 12: Healing

Notes:

I have been a bit creative with Roy's release from prison because I just don't think he would have been released on the same day as Nathan was arrested - I think it would have taken a bit of time - because everything takes time! Plus, I needed to stretch the week out a little bit. But I hope you enjoy the car scene and all their tumultuous feelings!

Carla

 

24^th May 2024

4:41pm

 

Sarah has changed her name back to Platt.  It got me thinking, after some not so subtle hints, that I want to change my name back to Connor.  Peter’s gone.  He’s not coming back.  I don’t even want him to come back, especially not now.  I need to cut the cord and start trying to move on with my life.  That was the whole point of this split, wasn’t it?  To move on.  Start afresh.  And I’ve realised today that Peter’s done that and I… haven’t.

 

So, Simon came to see me this morning.  He had a real spring in his step and told me that Peter had offered him a job on the boat – for real this time.  That’s when I got a ‘pity brew’ from Sarah – after Simon left.  I admitted that I knew the chances of Peter ever coming home were down to nothing if he didn’t have Simon to come back for.  Admitted that I miss him.  It’s complicated to explain.  I honestly don’t want to be with him anymore.  We’re done.  Chapter closed.  But I loved him for a long time and in the past, we always found our way back to each other.  It feels so strange to know it’s really over for good this time.  I’m going to be fifty next year.  I just can’t see myself falling for someone new, having someone new falling for me.  I mean, honestly… who in their right mind would want to be with me and all my history, all my baggage?  Probably not someone worth my time.

 

Anyway, I met up with Simon for lunch.  After we were rinsed by Hope (and Evelyn) for some car wash that Glenda’s putting on for her drama club thing that she runs, we chatted about his trip.  He showed me photos of the boat.  I haven’t seen it.  I didn’t want Peter to show me anything before he left.  I thought it would just break my heart, being able to visualise him out there.  So, it’s all been shrouded in mystery.  But I wanted to show Simon that that I was excited for him.

 

And then it happened.

 

I saw the photo of Peter, smiling away, looking so happy and relaxed.  Tanned.  His arms around an absolutely gorgeous, earthy looking woman.  Younger than me.  Stunning.  Fucking stunning.  Of course she was.

 

Simon tried to skip past like nothing had happened.  I know he felt bad.  But I couldn’t ignore it.  I had to ask. He explained they’d been seeing each other for a short while.  I was out of my mind.  I even went round to see Ken on the pretence of worrying about Simon, trying to find out if he thought Peter was fit enough to look after him.  He said he was doing really well.  Every bastard knew about this woman but me, evidently.  Nobody knew how to tell me!

 

There’s me, stupid, fucking Carla, lamenting over what would have been our wedding anniversary and he’s been getting his leg over with someone else for weeks!  Months?  The second he hopped on board?!  I mean, It’s only been five months.  Did I mean that little to him that he couldn’t have waited a little while before he hooked up with someone else?  I haven’t!  I haven’t even looked at anyone else, the odd DS Swain fantasy notwithstanding – but the less said about that, the better.

 

Ugh!  I just feel so… hurt.  And I know I shouldn’t.  I sent him away.  I set him free.  He’s not doing anything wrong.  He’s doing exactly what I told him to do.  I just thought he’d find it a bit fucking harder to live without me.

 

Ken didn’t seem to think the relationship was serious but do you know what?  I don’t fucking care.  He can marry the bitch if he wants to.  Marry her, cheat on her, divorce her, whatever.  I’m done.  I’m done missing him.  Maybe this is what I needed to finally move on with my life.  I don’t want a partner.  My life means more than that.  I want my family.  I want my Roy home and back to being my friend again.  I want my friends.  I want my business.  I want my life.  And I definitely don’t want Peter.  I just needed this to prove that to me.

 

Anyway, I met up with Simon again.  He was feeling bad about the photo.  I put on my brave face and reassured him.  I made it clear that I enjoy being on my own and reminded him that his Dad is shit at being alone.  Both of which are true.  I also told him how much I’m going to miss him.  Also true.  I love Ryan.  And I’ve become very fond of Bobby but he doesn’t exactly compare to Simon.

 

But my good deed of the day was giving Daisy her job back at The Rovers.  I saw her this morning and not only was there no staff behind the bar but Daisy was being exceptionally kind to Bethany of all people.  And I just thought, maybe she’s proving herself.  Maybe she’s trying.  Maybe I need to meet her halfway.

 

Lisa

 

24^th May 2024

23:49

 

It’s been a very long day of gutting out the house.  We’re moving in a couple of weeks and everything looks set so I’m busy packing and organising everything.  Betsy is constantly raging at me.  It’s actually giving me a headache, on top of trying to solve this Lauren case.  I’ve been off work today, trying to break the back of sorting.  I’ve begged Betsy to help me tomorrow and Sunday, at least to get something done in her room.  Then I’m working solidly for the next few weeks, right up until the week we move.  I’m fucking exhausted.

 

Carla

 

27^th May 2024

10:32pm

 

Roy has been vindicated!  He should be set free within the next couple of days.  I mean, by rights he should be free now.  Well, by rights, he shouldn’t have been locked up in the first place but the important thing is that he’ll be out of that God forsaken place and be home with us very soon.  Well, not home with me, of course.  He’s still not speaking to me.  But Dee Dee and Lisa (DS Swain – yes, that’s moved on!) are doing everything they can to get him out of there as quickly as they possibly can.

 

So, the day didn’t start great.  Glenda’s car wash chaos was in full swing.  Everyone was busy and distracted.  Dee Dee knocked my coffee flying out of my hands, all over Sarah.  I was heading to my car when I got chatting to Sam.  He was on promotional duties.  He spotted that I had Lisa’s police pass in my hands.  Bobby had found it at the precinct that morning and picked it up.  I didn’t trust him not to mess around with it so I took it to go and take over to her.  Sam pointed out her car, parked round the corner so I went over, only I heard her in a screaming row with someone on the phone.  I pulled up short, partly from surprise and partly out of politeness.  I was going to approach when she’d finished but she sped away like a greyhound out of a trap.

 

Instead, I headed over to the police station mid-morning to give her the pass and we ended up in a row, right there in reception.  She could have said thank you.  But no.  She tripped me up over Bobby’s statement, we argued over Roy and then I dug my heels in, suggested that she might be too distracted by personal things to do her job properly.  So yeah, we fought.  I left.  We were both pretty pissed off.

 

I sloped back to the café, where Nina told me that Roy’s case had been listed for trial, when Lisa turned up.  She looked awkward.  She told us the news about the trial, which we already knew and promised to keep us up to date with any developments, as well as to try and encourage Roy to accept our support.  She then apologised to me for being harsh!  I hardly even knew what to say.  I didn’t think ‘sorry’ was in that woman’s vocabulary.

 

Anyway, we didn’t get to speak any further because she hurried out to take a call.  Bobby started whinging on at me, saying I was being weird around Lisa and it was going to tip her off about us having made a false statement.  It pissed me off so I left and followed Lisa.  She was back in her car, arguing on the phone again and… she burst into tears.  I was stunned.  This incredible, powerful, untouchable police officer.  This woman who’s had my best friend locked up for a crime he hasn’t committed.  This copper who hasn’t seemed to give a shit about anything.  This Detective who never seems fazed by anything.  And she was sobbing in the front seat of her car.

 

Well, instinct took over and I climbed into the passenger seat.  She was NOT impressed to see me at first.  I don’t know if she just felt too vulnerable or if she thought I was going to use the moment to kick her when she was down.  But she let out this little noise and looked away.  But then we talked.  Not me and DS Swain but me and Lisa.  I admitted to overhearing her a bit on the phone, asked her some questions.  Got completely the wrong end of the stick at first.  I thought she was moving out of the house because of a divorce and her kid was kicking off.  No, she’s moving house with her daughter because she’s a widow.  Her partner died two and a half years ago.  Her FEMALE partner.  Yeah.  She’s gay.  And widowed.  With a nightmare sixteen year old kid.  Who just chucked all her other mother’s clothes in a skip because Lisa was going to take them to a charity shop, having held onto them for two and half years.  The poor woman is desperately trying to heal and recover, having clearly struggled to do so all this time.  To the point she’s having to move house to try and do it.  And the kid is kicking off.

 

My heart broke for her, listening to her, watching her cry in that car.  I can’t stop thinking about her.  It was just so incredibly sad.  I suddenly realised that this formidable DS Swain persona she has is as much a protective shell she wears as it is anything else.  I tried to be as supportive as possible.  She even said that her kid would love me and my factory; she’s aiming to get onto some fashion and design course at college in September.

 

And then we were back to sparring.  But it felt… gentler.  More playful.  Like something had shifted between us.  She asked me if I might go easy on her now.  I said no.  She asked why I’m so twitchy about my argument with Roy.  I insisted I wasn’t.  Little did I know that she went straight to the prison then to speak to Roy and get him to tell her exactly what the argument was about and then she came to arrest Bobby for perverting the course of justice!  I objected, obviously.  I was panicked.  She stopped then and pointed out that she could arrest me too.  I’m still wondering why she didn’t.  Was it that conversation in the car that saved me?  I felt, in the car, like it was the first time someone had been kind to her in a long time, the first time someone had noticed her pain, listened to her, let her cry.  Maybe that was it.  Maybe that was why she let me off.

 

But it wasn’t enough to stop her going to Bobby.  I followed them out to the car.  Poor Dee Dee was out of her mind at the fact that his witness statement had fallen apart.  It was such a huge part of her defence of Roy.  I felt so guilty.  Even more guilty than before.

 

I followed them down to the station and waiting for Lisa to finish with Bobby.  We argued again and then I felt even worse.  Sometimes I just don’t think before I fucking speak.  To be fair, she was really enjoying winding me up, suggesting that Roy had thrown me under the bus, accusing me of being the mastermind behind Bobby’s idiotic scheme.  So, I accused her of wanting a medal for a job well done, no matter who ended up serving time.  But then she broke my heart all over again.  She told me that Becky had been a bobby, working through her Detective exams.  She died on duty.  They’d argued before Becky went on shift.  Lisa had been dismissive and arrogant, ignoring Becky’s helpful suggestions about a case she was struggling with.  She never got to tell her she was right.  She told me all she wants is to make the world safer for her daughter and to honour Becky.  She doesn’t care about stats or trophies.  She is also furious about being sent on a wild goose chase and reminded me that it doesn’t help anyone, including Roy.  She said that she has always kept his innocence in the back of her mind, especially due to the way we’ve always stood up for him.

 

Her words really got to me.  I just couldn’t get over them.  I kept picturing her sobbing in the car.  I kept thinking about her dead wife.  Her grieving, angry daughter.  The way her whole world must have ended the day this Becky died but she’s kept on fighting every day for justice for so many people.  I mean… yes, I’m still upset about Roy.  But she’s only been doing her job.  And she’s been doing it with dignity in the face of all these people shouting at her every day, me included, under the weight of the worst kind of grief.  How has she even been putting one foot in front of the other when all she must want to do is curl up and hide away?  She’s not an impenetrable Detective.  She’s not inhuman.  She’s a good person.  A Mum.  A wife.  A widow.  A copper. She’s a bloody hero.

 

So, I decided that Bobby and I needed to give it up and tell her the truth.  And we were about to when Bethany came rushing into the café announcing that the police had arrested Nathan for Lauren’s murder!  We were all overjoyed for what that could mean for our Roy.  We all waited with baited breath while the police did their thing.

 

But then… Roy phoned.  And it was awful.  All we could here was scuffling and Roy sobbing.  We were terrified.  We didn’t understand then what was happening.  Both of us were just screaming his name down the phone, trying to find out what was going on.  Why had he phoned?  What was happening to him?

 

So, it turned out he was on the same wing as Griff, another member of the far right gang Lauren and her family were involved in.  He had attacked Roy as revenge and had planned to stage it as suicide.  But he wanted it to be convincing so after failing to get him to write a letter to Nina, he got him to phone her.  That’s when we got the call.  But thankfully, the prison officers got in and stopped it all.  Roy’s being held on the hospital wing until they can release him and they’ve promised to keep him safe.

 

Lisa came by again this evening to reiterate that she’s submitted a document to try and speed up the process to get him released as quickly as possible.  She looked anxious, like she thought I was going to have a go at her or something.  But I was just grateful.  Honestly, I thought I was going to burst into tears at the mere thought of him coming home.  I think I still might.  I feel like I’ve lived a week of my life in a day.  I’m exhausted.  Roy is coming home.  DS Swain is now Lisa.  And a lesbian.  And a widow.  There was me thinking she was divorcing some whipped bloke and all along she’s been nursing a broken heart over her beautiful, heroic, dead wife.  Wow.  I bet they were quite the power couple.

 

Lisa

 

27^th May 2024

23:58

 

What a day!  I don’t even know where to start…  At the beginning, I suppose.  When I couldn’t sleep and I was so upset in the early hours that I found myself writing our yet another text to Bex that she’ll never read.

 

I dropped Betsy off at the precinct to spend the bank holiday with her friends.  She was meant to be revising.  I asked her to revise.  She refused.  So it was just easier to give in and let her do what she wanted.  Little did I know when I got out of the car to give her some cash to buy lunch with, I’d dropped my pass on the floor.  I only realised when I got to work and I didn’t have it.  And the whole thing was avoidable anyway.  She barely stayed out for an hour before she came home.  She didn’t even need any lunch money!  She ditched her friends and took all her rage out on me without me even being there.  Although, in a way, I’m kind of glad it happened like that…

 

So, I had a couple of loose ends to tie up round near Coronation Street.  Nobody was pleased to see me, especially on a bank holiday but not everyone gets a nice day off.  When I got back to the car, Betsy phoned and immediately started shouting at me.  She told me that she was looking for a bedsit, if you please.  She doesn’t want to move house with me; she wants to live away from me.  Well tough.  You’re sixteen.  You can do as you’re bloody told. 

 

I was so pissed off that I sped off to work and that’s when I realised I’d lost my pass.  I was so stressed about getting into trouble.  It was honestly the last thing I needed.  Plus all the paperwork.  Only for Carla to walk through the door with it, explaining that her nephew had found it in the precinct this morning.  I should have just done the right thing and said thank you but of course, I’m me, so instead, we got into an argument.  About Roy.  About Bobby’s statement.  She made some comment about me being too distracted to focus on my job and that cut me to the quick.  Like, it hurt.  So, we argued.  She left.  Then I felt guilty, so I headed back out to the café and apologised. 

 

I tried to reach out by letting them know that Roy had been listed for trial but Dee Dee had already told them.  I tried to reach out by saying I’d encourage Roy to accept their support.  It seemed to make them edgy rather than comforted.  So, I just apologised to Carla and then the conversation was cut short by Betsy phoning so I left.

 

We had one of our worst rows yet.  She had gathered up all the clothes I’d forced myself to bag up for the charity shop yesterday and threw them in the skip.  The fucking skip.  How could she do that?!  Her Mum’s clothes.  My wife’s clothes.  I’ve kept them all this time.  It was excruciating yesterday, bagging them up.  Deciding which ones to keep and which ones to let go.  I wept through the whole ordeal.  I let Betsy choose anything she wanted to keep.  She was quiet and chose a couple of jumpers.  She seemed alright with it.  We even had a nice dinner together afterwards.  We talked loads about Becky.  I thought it was all okay.  How could she do this today?  I don’t understand her.  How could she discard her things like that?  Doesn’t she understand how painful all of this is?  I can’t live in a shrine to my dead wife forever.  But I’m not going to discard her either.  I love her.  I will always love her.

 

After we hung up, I completely fell apart.  I burst into tears, which was completely unprofessional, especially as I hadn’t realised Carla had followed me out of the café.  She saw me crying and decided to climb into the passenger seat of the car.  I don’t know what I expected to be honest.  For her to come at me again?  Laugh at me?  Try and get the upper hand?

 

Well, none of the above happened.

 

She couldn’t have been kinder, which only really made me cry more.  Which was more than a little humiliating.  She probably has no idea but the last time anyone was that nice to me, that compassionate, that gentle… the last time I even got to speak open heartedly about Becky… was her funeral.  After that, everything got closed up and shut away.  Betsy and I talk a bit but I can’t exactly weep and pour my heart out to a teenager who’s grieving her mother, can I?  And I have nobody else.  The closest person to me is my sister and she’s not… chatty.  And nor am I, really.  Not anymore.

 

But something about Carla today… I could hardly stop talking.  Once I’d very awkwardly come out to her.  She seemed so shocked.  For a moment, I was really panicked that she was going to turn out to be homophobic or something.  It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve thought someone was decent and they really surprised me.  But she wasn’t at all.  She was lovely.  She was just surprised, I think.  She thought I was getting divorced from Betsy’s Dad.  It was just the story she’d assumed based on her overhearing me in the car earlier.  So when I explained I was widowed from her other Mum, it threw her for a moment.  And then she listened.  She just… listened.  She called me by my first name and there was something so comforting hearing it come from lips.  Like we were friends or something.  Like Carla Barlow was my actual friend.  It made me realise that I would so love to be friends.  I admit it now.  I would.  She’s lovely.  She’s so kind.  She’s such a good listener.  And I’ve seen how much she loves her friends; how fiercely loyal she is to them.  Imagine if I had someone like her in my life.  No.  Not like her.  Her.

 

I told her all about Becky.  I told her about Betsy.  I even told her about the course Betsy wants to do, how much she would love her and her factory.  Then we bounced back to sparring about Roy but it felt… softer this time.  Like a boundary had been broken.  Like she saw me as a person now, not just a copper.

 

I carried on my day, with my first port of call being to visit Roy.  I asked him outright about his argument with Carla.  He couldn’t bring himself to lie directly and finally admitted that he and Carla had fallen out because Bobby had lied in his statement and she had felt obligated to back him up.  I was firm with Roy and hid my gratitude.  He begged me not to be harsh with his friends.  And I haven’t been.  Not too harsh, anyway.

 

I went straight round to Carla’s and arrested Bobby.  She was NOT impressed with me.  Any earlier bonding seemed at least temporarily over.  She ranted at me over it.  I did point out that I could arrest her too.  And why didn’t I?  Because Roy asked me not to?  Maybe.  Because she nice to me in the car?  Probably.  Because she means something to me?  Also, probably.  I don’t know why.  I hardly know the woman.  But for some reason, she stands out to me.  She has done since last year.  Whether she’s smiling at me or shouting at me, she always gets my attention.  She’s always the one in the room that I’m looking at.  She’s lovely.  And today proved just how lovely she is.  Even if we did end up having words again.

 

She followed us to the station and waited for Bobby while we interviewed him.  Bobby didn’t give much away in his interview.  I released him pending enquiries.  Carla pounced on me in reception and we argued.  It was my fault, really.  I was pissed off about being given the run around so I wound her up about what Roy told me, making out that Roy had landed her in it, then I laid out exactly what I think happened.  Her face basically confirmed everything.  I don’t even need a statement.  But then she accused me of only being after a medal for a job well done.  So, I was honest about exactly why I’m a Detective.  And it’s got fuck all to do with trophies or stats.  It’s about keeping kids like Betsy safe and honouring Becky.  I told her that Becky died on the job – after we argued.  I don’t even know why I went into such detail.  Maybe it’s because she’d already cracked my heart open earlier today and everything was still ready to come pouring out.  But I needed her to know.  I needed her to know that I fight every day for justice for victims, for Becky’s honour, for Betsy’s safety and honestly, to try and heal my own fucking guilt.  And that last one, I will never be able to achieve.  Not ever.  It’s my fault that Becky’s dead.  I upset her.  She wasn’t in the right frame of mind to work because I upset her.  She went in anyway because she was a dedicated police officer.  If I hadn’t upset her, she’d still be alive now and we wouldn’t all be in this gut wrenching pain.  I wouldn’t have spent the last half an hour pulling all her clothes out of the fucking skip.  They’d be safely tucked in the wardrobe where they belonged, ready to be worn tomorrow.  She’d be tucked up in bed, ready to scold me for working so late again.  But then I’d tell her that I’d solved the case and she’d give me amazing sex instead of a telling off and tell me how proud she was of me.  Instead, I’m in bed alone, like I always am.  Like I will be for the rest of my life.

 

So yeah, anyway, we have finally found Lauren’s killer and thankfully, it’s not Roy.  It’s Nathan after all.  We hauled him in for questioning when we found a miniscule forensic link between them, after his van was searched and we found some very dodgy material on a load of USB sticks in the glovebox.  He denied everything.  He even accused Sarah Platt, Bethany’s Mum of planting evidence.  He said he found her sniffing round the van earlier in the day.  I was really pissed off at the idea that we might lose the entire case based on that but Kit explained it away sufficiently enough.  He said he saw Sarah near the van and even called me.  I remember it now.  It was when I was talking to Carla in the car.  I killed the call.  I wasn’t ready to speak to work.  I was too upset and I also didn’t want to interrupt my conversation with Carla.  I needed her comfort too much.

 

But Kit said there was no way that Sarah could have planted any evidence, especially not where they found it.  So, despite his solicitor’s attempts to foil us, we were able to charge Nathan.  So, I’ve spent the evening writing up a document to get Roy released as quick as humanly possible.  The red tape on these things is ridiculous.  But hopefully, he will be home in a couple of days.  I gather there was a very scary incident today with one of Lauren’s far right associates on the wing.  Roy is on the hospital wing for his own safety.

 

I popped by to see Carla this evening to give her my assurance that I’ve fought for Roy to be home as soon as possible.  I know Dee Dee is also doing her best for him.  I almost expected her to slam the door in my face.  Instead, she looked like she was going to cry.  She just thanked me.  Earnestly, actually.  I didn’t want to leave it how we had in reception earlier because I felt like we’d genuinely connected today.  I wanted to tell her how much her kindness had meant to me today but… I didn’t have the words.  I never have the words.

 

Carla

 

30^th May 2024

10:03am

 

Roy has been released from prison!  I am so thrilled!  I cried when I saw him, although I hid that from everyone else. 

 

Nina and Dee Dee went to collect him.  In a ‘normal’ situation (what the hell is normal about Roy being in prison?!), I would have gone.  Obviously.  But he’s still not forgiven me.  So, I stayed behind.

 

He tolerated me at his welcome home gathering.  There were a few of us – Yasmeen, Evelyn, Dee Dee, Nina, Joel, etc.  He would never have been so cruel as to evict me.  But he didn’t speak to me either, really.  I’m not sure he’ll ever speak to me again.

 

But he’s home.  The most important thing is that he’s home.

 

Lisa

 

30^th May 2024

18:34

 

I’ve managed to at least have some normal, shorter work days this week, which is a relief, as I’ve still got so much to sort with the house.  Betsy is very grudgingly revising and very grudgingly packing up her room.

 

Roy was released from prison today.  I am so relieved.  I still feel guilty for putting him in there.  I mean, technically, he would have stayed on bail if he hadn’t had that altercation with that woman.  I really fought for that.  But that’s not the point.  I went for the wrong man.  I went for an innocent man and that’s always going to weigh on my conscience.  I’m going to go and see him tomorrow.  Not to apologise, exactly.  I’m not allowed to.  But just… to check in.

 

Lisa

 

31^st May 2024

15:24

 

So, I went to see Roy this morning, as planned.  Carla was there and I’d clearly walked in on an awkward conversation.  He sent her away quite abruptly and I felt bad.  She was obviously very hurt.

 

I spoke to him for a while.  He was obviously not impressed that cleaning standards had slipped in his absence.  I basically begged him to stop for a moment so we could talk.  I told him all the charges against him had been dropped, including the ABH.  I told him he was welcome to pursue a charge against Griff but he’s not keen.  I then encouraged him to talk to someone about what he’s been through.  Yeah, I know.  Pot.  Kettle.  I mean, it’s not like I didn’t try.  Work did attempt to force me into counselling when Becky died but it’s just not my kind of thing.  I prefer getting on with things.  I’ve always been that way.  My whole life.  And I don’t want to talk to a stranger.  If I was going to talk to anyone, I’d want to talk to someone who cared about me.  And the only person who cared about me is dead so, what choice do I have?

 

But it’s not like that for Roy.  He has so many people that love him.  I suggested talking to Carla.  I told him how hard everything has been on her.  I even said that if I had a friend like that, I wouldn’t be chasing her away.  And it’s not a lie.  Honestly, if I had Carla as my friend, she’d been taking out a restraining order against me.  I wouldn’t leave her alone!  I’d always be turning up, wanting to hang out.  No, it’s definitely best we’re not friends.  She’d get so sick of me.  I’d become so needy!  I know I would.  She’s just so lovely.

 

Well, I must have done some good because she came to see me later at work.  She asked about Bobby and I confirmed we’re not pressing charges.  And then… she offered Betsy work experience at the factory.  It was so out of the blue.  I was so shocked but so delighted.  We had a bit of a joke about how the factory owner is a nightmare and she made some ridiculous cop joke.  But it was so nice just chatting.  And again, she excelled herself on the kindness scale.

 

I was so excited to phone Betsy just now and tell her.  Even she couldn’t hide her happiness.  Normally, even when she’s pleased she pretends she isn’t but she was thrilled.  So, she’s promised to stop misbehaving and to knuckle down and get through her exams and then once that’s done, I’ll fix a date with Carla to get her started on work experience.  I am just so touched that she’d do this for us.  It was worth me admitting how much I was struggling.  Maybe she could be the answer to all those unanswered texts I kept writing out to Bex, asking for her help.  Maybe help is Carla Barlow.  Sorry, Connor.  She’s changing her name back, apparently.  I guess it really is over with her husband.  Is he actually mad, leaving a woman like her?!

 

Carla

 

31^st May 2024

4:59pm

 

I tried and failed to speak to Roy this morning.  And who should be my fairy Godmother but Lisa?

 

After I left her talking to him, I went back to the factory, although I was struggling to concentrate.  Then Roy appeared to speak to me.  I hardly dared hope but he apologised to me.  He told me didn’t blame the police for thinking he was guilty.  Then he got me all emotional.  He said he forgave me for lying.  Evidently, Lisa had put some kind of good word in for me.  She’d told him how much I clearly loved him, how much I’ve struggled with him being inside and – get this – how if she had a friend like me, she’d hold onto them, not push them away.  So, he decided to heed her advice, he said.

 

Well, I’d been thinking about it anyway but it was all the shove I needed.  I’ve not been able to get Lisa and her tears and her grief out of my mind since we’d sat in the car together and I’ve wanted to do something that could help her.  And then when she did that for me, I knew I had to.  So, I went to the police station to speak to her on the premise of asking about Bobby (no charges) and I offered to take her daughter on for work experience.

 

Oh, you should have seen her eyes light up!  It was amazing!  It was like I’d offered her a million quid, although, actually, I think this meant more.  Someone having listened to her.  Someone having heard her.  Someone willing to help her with this daughter who’s running rings around her, causing her pain, who’s in pain.  I mean, I have no idea what I’m taking on.  This could open a whole new headache that I do not need in my life but… I want to help.  I want to help Lisa.  I want to ease her burden if I can.  If I can just do something.  She deserves it.

 

Hey, maybe one day she and I could be friends?! Me and a copper.  Friends.  Can you even believe it?!

 

Next time... The Barlows find out, The Swains move house and Betsy starts her work experience at the factory...

Chapter 13: Work Experience

Carla

 

3^rd June 2024

7:30pm

 

It’s not been the greatest day today.  First, I had to say goodbye to Simon.  And now the entire Barlow clan hate me.  I suppose it’s a good job I’m officially a Connor again.  And a Connor, I shall stay.  I think after five marriages, I’ve finally learnt my lesson.  I shall not be walking down any aisles again.  I don’t even want to date again.  Maybe I should get a cat, become one of those people.  Whatever the case, I do not want a man. Never again.  I’m not doing it.  Peter can enjoy his new life with his new, beautiful woman.  And the next one and the next one.  Whatever.  I don’t even care anymore.  I’m done.

 

I treated Simon (and Bobby) to breakfast to say goodbye.  I also gave Simon some spending money.  Hopefully enough to see him through a good couple of months.  I asked him to say hi to Peter for me.  It’s the closest thing to contact we’ve got.  I mean, I know I could text him.  There have been so many times when I’ve wanted to, especially through everything that’s happened with Roy these past few months.  But I’ve stayed strong.  And I’m glad I have if he’s been busily moving on.  I guess it’ll be divorce papers through next.  Maybe I should get in ahead of him.  I’ve actually been through and got rid of all my photos of him, of us.  I’ve not deleted them.  There are too many memories there.  But I’ve stopped making them so accessible on my phone so I’m not tempted to scroll through them.

 

So, everyone is kind of moving on.  We saw Simon off.  Sort of.  Leanne, who hasn’t even been here, barged into the goodbye drinks – she’s been on some culty retreat or something – and then wouldn’t let any of us come outside to say goodbye, if you please.  I know she’s his Mum but we’re his family too and we’re all going to miss him.  She buggered off and then got pissed off when she nearly missed saying goodbye to him.  Nick and Toyah were desperately trying to contact her.  They even contacted the cult, sorry, retreat, but she still didn’t get in touch.  It really annoyed me, not getting to actually wave him off.  But I stayed quiet.  I didn’t want to make a fuss and upset him.

 

But then I fell foul of the Barlow family anyway.  Daniel invited Bobby and I for drinks.  I didn’t want to go.  I just felt so guilty over that bloody statement.  And then of course, the truth came tumbling out at the worst time, right in the middle of the pub.  Adam barged in and announced it in front of everyone.  They all hate me.  I knew this would happen.  The anger on Daniel’s face.  The hurt and disappointment on Ken’s face.  I was full of apologies, trying to explain but they are all so furious.  They’re never going to forgive me.  I know they won’t.  I am so angry with Bobby but I’m angrier at myself.  I should never have let this happen.  And when I did let it happen, when Lisa found out (am I calling her Lisa now?), I should have gone to Daniel and admitted the truth.  That at least, would have been better.  They would have still been angry but they would have respected honesty, even if it had come late in the day.

 

Lisa

 

3^rd June

22:21

 

I am bloody exhausted.  But the house is packed and we move in tomorrow.  I will be genuinely sad to say goodbye to our home and all our memories here.  But also relieved.  They’ve stopped comforting me and started haunting me instead.  I’m terrified that I’ve been too ambitious.  I’ve arranged movers.  I’ve arranged for a charity to come and collect everything I don’t want from here – all the furniture I want to get rid of, mostly my bedroom furniture, plus the sofa – and I’ve got all new stuff being delivered to the new place.  I’ve enlisted my sister to go and wait at the new place so we don’t miss anything.  I don’t trust Betsy.  She’s still so reluctant to move.  She hasn’t even seen the place.  I’m just hoping she’ll like it once we get there.

 

So, tonight is my last night in my home with Becky.  My last night in our bed.  I really hope I’m doing the right thing.  I really hope I’m not making a mistake.  I really hope that tomorrow, I can start to rebuild my life.  I’m not saying I want to meet someone else.  I don’t.  I could never do casual and my heart couldn’t take a full on relationship.  There isn’t a middle way.  So, nothing is really going to change.  Except, hopefully, the agony of waking up feeling as if I’m living the same life and becoming excruciatingly aware of knowing I’m not and never will be.

 

Lisa

 

5^th June

11:12

 

Well, we did it.  We moved.  And apart from the odd hiccup, my ambitious plan, actually worked.  I was quite impressed with myself.  Betsy, as ever, is yet to be impressed.  She hasn’t said one nice thing about the house apart from she quite likes the bathroom.

 

I am currently on a break from unpacking.  Betsy’s unpacking her room.  Or, she says she is.  She’s complaining about the lack of WiFi, the only thing I didn’t manage to organise – it gets installed tomorrow, which I didn’t think was bad going.  Sometimes, it can takes weeks.

 

Yesterday, I spent most of the day putting my new bed together.  Betsy refused to help, so my sister stayed on, a bit reluctantly and helped me.  She doesn’t really understand why I need new things ‘if you’re not planning on moving on with someone new’.  She tries but she just doesn’t get it.  I mean, why would she?  She hasn’t been through what I’ve been through.  She literally moans TO ME about her husband getting under her feet, always being there, annoying her.  What I wouldn’t do for Becky to annoy me one more time.  Not that she did really annoy me though.  We always bumbled along quite happily, knew each other’s little ways, understood each other.  I loved her.  I still love her.  I always will.

 

Carla

 

5^th June

11:35pm

 

Bobby is moving out. 

 

He came home tonight and made this grand gesture, claiming to feel terrible about everything that’s happened and I… called his bluff. 

 

I should feel bad about it.  But right now, I don’t.  Because I know he doesn’t actually feel bad.  He stands by what he did.  He’s oblivious to the damage he’s caused, including the damage it did to my relationship with Roy.  I nearly lost him.  I mean, if it hadn’t been for Lisa Swain, I probably would have done.  How could I have lived my life Royless? 

 

And then there’s The Barlows.  Bobby thinks they just my ex’s family.  And technically, he’s right.  They are.  I mean, I did have that fling with Daniel that time but the less said about that, the better.  And I’m certainly not going to mention that to Bobby if I can help it.  But the point is, they mean a lot to me.  They’ll always mean a lot to me.  There is so much history there.  So much love.  The way Ken looked at me the other day.  It was awful. 

 

I tried to speak to him this morning but he’s not interested.  He won’t forgive me.  And then Bobby’s there, with his fake contrition.  So yeah, I accepted his offer to move out.  I never wanted him here in the first place.  He just bulldozed his way into my life and he hasn’t stopped since December!

 

Carla

 

10^th June 2024

9:32pm

 

I am such a pushover.  I’ve agreed to let Bobby stay after all.  He was doing all his sad goodbyes today to go back to his Gran’s, acting like he was moving to the other side of the world.  I mean, he’s still going to be working at the factory.  I haven’t fired him.  I could.  I probably should have.  But I haven’t.

 

However, he did put the time in to have a word with Ken and try to stand up for me.  And then he ended up saving Ken’s life.  He went to knock for him and found him at the bottom of the stairs.  He called an ambulance and apparently getting him the help he needed so quickly made all the difference.  Everyone was really grateful and it seems to have thawed the ice between him (and me) and The Barlow clan.  And so, well, what could I do but keep him?  He didn’t even come in and boast about his heroics either.  Yasmeen told me what happened.

 

In other news, I saw Lisa today.  I haven’t seen her in a while.  I guess I’ve had less reason to, with the investigation over.  And… I’ve kind of missed her.  Is that weird?  I mean, I haven’t missed the investigation, obviously.  That, I could have definitely lived without.  But… I guess I’ve had a few days to really reflect on everything, or specifically, everyone, I have in my life.  And… there aren’t many.  I mean, there’s Roy.  There’s Ryan.  Reluctantly, there’s Bobby.  I know I can go and see Michelle whenever I want but it’s not the same as having her close by.  I’m mates the with the factory lot but they’re not… close.  You know?  I’m their boss.  I’m quite fond of Nina but she’s young.  I don’t have a close girlfriend anymore and I haven’t for a long time.  I’m not suggesting that Lisa could become my best friend or anything but, I don’t know…  There’s something about her.  She’s feisty.  She’s actually pretty funny.  She’s clearly very clever.  And I might have thought she was a jobsworth once upon a time but I know she isn’t now.  She cares.  She’s passionate about what she does.  She’s honest.  She works hard.  She’s obviously been through a lot.  It makes me think that perhaps she’s lonely too.  Too?  Am I lonely?  Yeah, probably I am.  Maybe we could be mates.  One day.

 

So yeah, she came in to ask me about setting up her daughter’s work experience at the factory.  It was obviously her day off because she wasn’t in any of her usual work outfits.  She looked bloody gorgeous, actually.  She was in this white top and her hair was down.  I’ve never seen it down before.  She looked beautiful.  Maybe she was going out or something afterwards.  Maybe she had a date?  I’d be fascinated to know what her life was like outside of work.  I know it’s been tough for her, with her daughter and moving house and everything and grieving for her wife.  But we’ve secured a date for 5^th July and I’ll get to meet Hurricane Betsy then.  She sounds like a right handful!

 

Lisa

 

10^th June 2024

21:32

 

Today is my last day off work for this house move.  I’ve pretty much got everything sorted now.  I’m quite proud of myself.  Even Betsy cracked a smile over dinner last night, although I can’t get her to knuckle down and do any revision.  She’s currently blaming the upheaval of the move on her lack of studying.  So, last night, we made a deal.  I said I would arrange a date for her to do this work experience at Carla’s factory if she promised to knuckle down and give her best to her exams.  Hence the smile.

 

I could have called Carla.  But I went to see her instead.  I could also have not put a lot of thought and care into my appearance.  I’m not entirely clear on why I did that.  It’s not like I fancy her.  I mean, okay, maybe I fancy her a little bit.  But it’s that safe kind of fancying someone, when you know that you would never try and pursue anything and also, she is quite possibly the straightest woman I’ve ever met.  She seemed absolutely stunned that I was gay, like she’d never met a lesbian in her life.  Although, it didn’t change how she was with me.  She was so… lovely.  When I’ve struggled to sleep at night over the past couple of weeks, I’ve thought about how gentle she was in the car.  How she listened.  How she said all the right things.  Just… how she cared.  Nobody ever just cares about me anymore.  Not since Becky.  And Carla had no reason to care about me, no reason to get in and comfort me.  By rights, she should have given me shit.  I had her best mate wrongly locked up.  But she’s kind.  She’s clever, she’s funny.  Ugh, I wish we could be friends.  Not just because I don’t have any anymore but because she’s… her.  Imagine if I could call her up and invite her round for dinner or out for a drink.  If I could get to know her properly.  That would be amazing.  But she seems to have loads of mates.  She seems to have such a full life, even with her husband long gone.  She’d never have the time – or the inclination – to get to know me.

 

But she was lovely again today.  She was busy at work but she still stopped to chat.  We fixed a date for 5^thJuly for Betsy to come and spend the day at Underworld.  I told Betsy this evening and she was thrilled.  She’s even spent time revising, as promised.  Carla and I had a brief chat.  It was nice.  I just hope Betsy behaves herself, doesn’t embarrass me.

 

Lisa

 

28^th June 2024

19:50

 

I am back into the swing of things at work now.  And Betsy has finished her exams.  I haven’t got much out of her but she revised and she went to every test, handed in all her coursework, so we just wait for the results now.  I’m hopeful.  She’s a bright girl.  A bit too bright, sometimes.  She just has to apply herself.  And this work experience at Underworld has being a real carrot to make her do that.  I just hope it goes well, for Betsy and for Carla. 

 

I am well aware that Betsy can be a handful and Carla has really done her a favour by doing this.  Done me a favour.  She knows things aren’t great between us.  She knows me telling her I’ve arranged this will have helped and it has.  I’m so glad I stuck my oar in between her and Roy.  I didn’t do it to get anything back.  I felt so bad about everything that happened, all that pain.  I just wanted to do something to help.

 

I found Betsy hanging out on the swings today, eating chips.  She was pleading poverty this morning.  I did ask her where she got the money from but she ignored me.  Communication is not our strong point.

 

Carla

 

28^th June 2024

11:45pm

 

It has been a very long day.  I’ve had a well earned soak in the bath with a large glass of wine and my book.

 

I took the boys out for dinner this evening.  I just thought it would be nice.  We obviously do spend a fair amount of time together at home but a lot of it’s in passing or slouched in front of the TV.  I can’t remember the last time we went out as a family.  Ryan was keen.  He’s such a lovely boy.  Bobby will go anywhere for a free meal.  They stayed out for more drinks and I took the chance to go back for a bit of time to myself.  It was a lovely evening though.

 

Carla

 

5^th July 2024

6:05pm

 

So, it was Betsy Swain’s work experience day today and it was… interesting.  I’m actually going to let her come back.  Despite some attitude problems and more time on her phone than on the sewing machines, the work she did was very good.  She’s a very talented seamstress.

 

I met Betsy and Lisa both at the start of the day.  Betsy wasn’t terribly impressed at being walked in by her Mum, I don’t think.  Maybe it was overkill.  The kid is sixteen.  But then, I think about what they’ve been through as a family and no wonder her Mum’s overprotective.  Especially with the things she must see as a copper.  I mean, she’s just spent months investigating Lauren’s murder/disappearance and she must only be a couple of years older than Betsy.  It must be terrifying being a Mum to a teenage girl when you’re a police officer.  And then I think, my little girl would be approaching the terrible teens in a few years, if she’d lived.  I often wonder what she would have been like.  With mine and Peter’s genes, probably a bloody nightmare.  But she would have been my nightmare.  And I would have lived every single day for her.  I imagine that’s how Lisa feels about Betsy.

 

I put Fiz in charge of Betsy and saw Lisa outside.  I did my best to reassure her that Betsy would be fine, that I would be there all day and between Fiz and I, we’d keep a close eye on her.  I could see she was anxious.  She thanked me again and told me how much it means to Betsy and to her.  That felt nice, to know I’m helping them.  I made a point of reminding her that she went out of her way to help me fix things with Roy.  She gave me a really sweet smile then and bustled off to work.

 

So, during the morning, I got a good report from Fiz.  We were a bit mean and opted not to rescue the kid from Kirk.  She kept the head down at first, worked hard and produced some really good work.  However, as the day went on, her attention span lapsed significantly, to the point that I had to confiscate her phone.  I did try to talk to her about it first, encourage her to put her phone down and stop texting her boyfriend (I hastened to add girlfriend just in case, after getting it wrong with Lisa in the car).  She asked me to keep it quiet amongst the girls that her Mum’s a copper.  We had a little debate whether it was worse having your Mum be the local bobby, likes hers or the local bike, like mine.  We agreed to disagree.

 

Lisa came to collect her at the end of the day.  Betsy wasn’t any more pleased to see her than she was to have her drop her off.  I felt a bit bad, as Lisa had been texting and obviously Betsy wasn’t answering because I confiscated her phone.  If I’d heard it and realised, I would have texted her myself to let her know.  I mean, she could have called me if she was worried.  Hopefully she wasn’t that worried.  She knew she was with me and hopefully knew that if anything had happened, I would have been in touch.  I did promise this morning.

 

I was genuinely shocked at the way Betsy spoke to her Mum though.  I mean, I didn’t have a great relationship with my Mum.  I probably didn’t speak that well to her but she didn’t speak to me very well either.  Or treat me well either.  I mean, the things that happened when I was Betsy’s age...  Younger even.  I would have done anything to have a Mum who loved me as much as Lisa clearly adores Betsy.  I mean, arranging work experience, bringing her in, picking her up.  Betsy was so bloody resistant.  Refused to go home with her.  I was impressed that Lisa pushed back though, insisted.  She said she was making dinner.  I mean, I’d have done anything just to have a Mum who cooked.  I know the kid’s been through a lot of trauma in her young life but she still has a parent who loves her, who looks after her, who’s providing her with opportunities and life skills.  And who’s a bloody hero as well.  I certainly never had that.  She talks to Lisa like shit.  She should be a bit more grateful, if you ask me.  Which nobody did.

 

Anyway, regardless of the phone thing and a questionable attitude, Betsy did seem to get something out of today, to the point that she asked to come in again tomorrow and I’ve agreed.  Lisa looked really pleased to see her so excited about everything.  It made me happy to see her so happy.

 

Lisa

 

5^th July 2024

20:56

 

I had to interview Sarah Platt today.  We were informed by Nathan Curtis that Sarah paid him hush money to leave the area and also keep quiet about the attack on him.  She claims it was payment to leave town and leave Bethany alone but denies it being a bribe.

 

I’m suspicious.  Sarah’s ex-boyfriend is Damon Hay, currently in prison for all manner of crimes.  Also, brother of gangster, Harvey Gaskell, currently also in prison, serving life for murder.  So, Damon could easily have provided the cash Sarah needed.  She says it was from another ex, Gary Windass, another ‘creative’ character, based on his history, although he doesn’t seem to get into any trouble now.  Sarah obviously has a type, although randomly, between them, she was married to a solicitor.  Of course, there’s no reason to say, just because of his profession, that he’s a straight up guy.  A Barlow, actually.  Nephew of Carla’s ex-husband.  I met him when I had to interview Peter over Stephen Reid’s death.

 

Speaking of, it was Betsy’s work experience today.  It mostly went well, by all accounts, aside from Carla having to confiscate her phone partway through the day because she was doing more texting (some guy called JD who she won’t tell me anything about) than sewing.  I was disappointed in her for that – the texting, not the JD guy.  Well, a bit the JD guy.  I always dreamed that she and I would have the kind of relationship where she would tell me stuff.  She told Bex things.  I think she would still be telling her things now if she was here.  But she doesn’t tell me anything.  I try.  I really try.  But she just doesn’t speak to me, not about anything important.  And I don’t know how to deal with it.  One minute, she’s angry with me for fussing over her, like this morning when I walked her into work and she was embarrassed and the next, she’s angry with me being too distant, too busy.  It’s like, whatever I pick, she wishes I’d chosen the other option.

 

Carla was so lovely to me though.  This morning, after Betsy practically threw me out the factory, Carla came outside with me.  She could obviously see I was anxious and she was really reassuring, making sure I knew she’d look after Betsy.  And she did.  I thanked her.  She made it clear how much it had meant to her that I’d helped her fix things with Roy.  It meant a lot that she said that.  And we had a nice chat when I came to collect Betsy too.  She really is nice to chat to.

 

Betsy was rude to me in front of her, several times, which I found highly embarrassing.  But Carla didn’t make a fuss, pretended she didn’t notice.  And when Betsy promised to switch her phone off and knuckle down, could she come back tomorrow?  She said yes!  Betsy was so thrilled.  I was so thrilled.  Perhaps this could be what she’s needed all this time, to do something she really loves.  I feel like Carla could become a vital person in our lives.

 

Next time... Roy has a heart attack, Lauren reappears and Carla makes a big mistake...

Chapter 14: The Mistake

Carla

 

8^th July 2024

6:18pm

 

Roy has had a heart attack.  He’s in hospital and has had to have an operation to repair the damage.  It’s very serious.  And yet another consequence of everything he’s been through over the last few months.  I am so fucking angry.

 

It all started this morning when, in their wisdom, Shona etc. plotted to lie about Shona being sick so that it would force him down to the café to work.  I get the idea.  He’s been holed up in his flat with that awful beard he’s grown, terrified of the world.  They were trying to nudged him into the real world, somewhere he still feels comfortable, behind the counter of his café but still mingling with people.

 

Unfortunately, it backfired.  In his kindness, Roy decided to take Shona some homemade soup to help her recover and was harassed by some thugs on bikes.  I happened upon them, as they filmed him attempting to defend himself.  They were being so fucking awful to him.  They insulted me a few times but I don’t give a shit about that sort of thing and soon saw them off.  Roy, though.  He’s fragile, especially after everything that’s happened to him.

 

I took him back to the café.  He was distraught.  I left him in Evelyn’s care, as I had to get back to the factory for a meeting.  I bumped into Shona on my way back and she rushed over there, which is when their ploy unravelled.  I gather that he lost his temper and sent everyone home.  And that’s when he had the heart attack.  He managed to call 999 himself, which was pretty impressive.  Shona and Nina arrived when they saw the ambulance outside.

 

I rushed to the hospital as soon as I found out what had happened.  I sat in the waiting room with Nina, Evelyn and Dee Dee for hours while he had a coronary bypass.  Nina has been in bits.  Plus, the lads released that awful video on social media – of Roy and of me.  Dee Dee and Joel were stressing over it when I was at Roy’s flat, packing him a bag.  Joel very kindly offered to take it to the hospital for me, so I’ve been able to come home tonight instead of back there again.  I’ll go again in the morning to see him.

 

I had Betsy at the factory again today.  She worked pretty hard today.  I was impressed.  Apart from her nagging me all day about me taking her on for a summer job.  I told her no, pointing out that she hasn’t proved herself yet.  She went on and on though and I really wasn’t in the mood to be nagged today, with everything going on with Roy.  I just wanted to be there to take care of him, not run the factory and be irritated by nagging children.

 

Lisa

 

8^th July 2024

19:03

 

It was a pretty busy day at work today but I got a good result on a domestic abuse case I’ve been working really hard on so I feel good about that.

 

I heard on the grapevine that Roy Cropper had a heart attack today.  He’s in hospital and had a bypass.  Carla must be really worried about him.  I feel so sorry for the guy.  He’s been through enough without that.  And I feel so guilty for my part in it all.  I am also aware of a video circulating on social media of some lads harassing him and Carla.  Neither of them have made a complaint about what happened but I might just make a couple of enquiries anyway.

 

Betsy is in a weird mood this evening.  On the one hand, she seems to have had a good day at the factory.  She says the people there are decent and she has had a lot of praise for her work.  She says she likes being there.  But she’s also in some kind of mood.  I think she’s finding Carla a tougher boss than she anticipated and that can only be a good thing, as far as I’m concerned.  She need a bit of putting in her place.  I sure as hell can’t do it.  I’m useless.

 

Lisa

 

15^th July 2024

17:54

 

So, Lauren bloody Bolton has been spotted on CCTV at the hospital!  After all this time, she just pops up out of nowhere.  Can you believe that?  She’s been at the heart of a murder investigation for months and she’s not even dead!  I had just got my head around Nathan killing her and now I don’t know what to think.

 

I told Carla about it when I came to the factory to collect Betsy this evening.  She was in a strange mood – Carla, not Betsy.  I did ask her if she was okay.  I felt worried about her.  She assured me she was alright.  She told me she had offered Betsy a summer job!  I was astounded.  I didn’t think she’d survive one day’s work experience without getting thrown out, if I’m being perfectly honest.  I know that’s a terrible thing to say.  It’s just… her attitude.  But she must be giving her all to this place.  She must love it there and be trying her hardest to give everything she has.  I’m so proud of her.  And I’m so grateful to Carla for giving her this chance.

 

Carla

 

15^th July 2024

6:15pm

 

Today was NOT a good day.  I can definitely say that I am not a fan of teenagers.  And I can tell you now, Lisa is a bloody saint putting up with that kid of hers.

 

It all started with Betsy skipping out this morning to go the precinct when she was meant to be working.  She did do some good work first, to be fair but that’s not the point.  I went to look for her and bring her back.  My first mistake.

 

While I was there, I spotted those lads that harassed Roy, leading to his heart attack.  Well, I couldn’t resist giving them a piece of my mind.  They gave it back, of course but I did force myself to walk away.  Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of it.

 

When I was back in my car, I saw one of the lads on his bike.  As he was coming past me, I opened my door and he went flying over it.  Then I drove off.

 

I was meant to be going to see Roy in hospital.  I’d been preoccupied with wanting to go and see him all day but I was so stressed over what had happened, with what I’d done, that I just went back to the factory and I was sick in the bin in the office.  I continued to stress all day but tried to pass it off as a sick bug.

 

Then Betsy came back.  She’d seen the whole bastard thing.  Of course she had.  She described the whole thing in detail, including the ambulances and the boy’s head injury, after I’d left.  Apparently the kid turns nineteen tomorrow.  His name’s Travis and his Mum’s put out an appeal for witnesses.  It’s already in the Gazette online.  Fiz confirmed it.

 

I did try to defend myself.  I still felt angry with him over what he’d done to Roy.  Still feel angry.  But it was a very difficult conversation to have with Betsy, who seemed to be enjoying herself a bit too much.  She even accused me of trying to kill him, which is NOT true.  I decided to hand myself.  She requested a summer job in exchange for her silence.  I gave in and went for it.  I was terrified that Lisa was suspicious of me.  She asked me if I was okay when she came to collect Betsy.  I told her about the summer job and she seemed surprised but pleased.  It was nice to see her so happy.  Happy for her daughter.  Happy with me for making it happen.  I like it when she’s smiling.  She deserves to smile.

 

The big news of the day though, is that Lauren Bolton has been spotted on CCTV.  Roy kept insisting that she had been to see him.  We all thought he was just delirious but to ease his mind, they checked the CCTV just in case and there she was, wandering round the hospital like a ghost.  She hasn’t been seen since though so it looks like we’ve lost her again.  But it’s definitely a good thing, definitely a start.

 

Carla

 

17^th July

7:28pm

 

What a bloody day!

 

It started with Betsy blackmailing me into buying her breakfast.  Then at work, Beth wouldn’t stop nagging me and going on about how Betsy is getting such an easy time of things and I’m so soft on her.  I did point out that she is work experience and a kid but Beth wasn’t having any of it.  It didn’t help that Betsy took the piss all day.  She demanded to leave early for lunch because she needed to get a new phone.  When I set ground rules for it, she bent them.  When we were alone, she brought up the lad, Travis and continued to try and blackmail me.  She tried to get me to buy her a new phone, the cheeky cow!

 

In the end, it all got too much for me.  I went to the police station to speak to Lisa.  She took me into an interview room and I very awkwardly started to tell her that things weren’t working out with Betsy.  It was awful.  She looked absolutely heartbroken.  I hated disappointing her like that.  She practically begged me to give her another chance, telling me how grateful she was for me trying with her.  I started to explain that Betsy wasn’t even at the factory, that she’s threatened me.  I was honestly going to tell her the full story but then Betsy phoned her, interrupting us.

 

Lisa went into full on panic mode, as Betsy called her from Gable Street of all places, stranded.  Lisa was so distressed, so scared for her.  She had to rush out to find her.  I didn’t know what to do so I offered to go with her and help.  I was surprised when she accepted.

 

We went in her car and she drove us to Gable Street.  We didn’t talk about the issue in the car.  We didn’t talk about much, really.  I just tried to reassure her that Betsy would be alright and she was sensible, had done the right thing by calling for help, she had street smarts from having two fantastic cops as her parents.  That seemed to make her smile.  She does have a nice smile.

 

I hung back when we got there and we had spotted her.  They were both so relieved to see each other that despite their usual lack of affection, they threw themselves into each other’s arms.  They got over it quickly.  Lisa demanded to know what Betsy was doing there.  Betsy shrugged, promptly ignoring her mother and was sullen and silent the whole way home, except to demand to know what I was doing with her.  Lisa told her that I’d come to help look for her ‘because she’s kind and helpful and we’re lucky to have her’.  That meant a lot to me.

 

It was a slightly awkward car journey back.  Lisa and I sat in the front and Betsy sulked in the back.  Lisa and I made polite conversation about nothing in particular.  Lisa dropped us outside my flat so we could go back to work.  Lisa had been growing increasingly furious with Betsy.  I could feel it.  Outside the car, she finally challenged her, demanding answers.  It came from worry and concern, I know.  She had been absolutely terrified when she’d got that call.  I backed her up, of course.

 

But then Lisa got a call from work and had to rush off.  She left, warning Betsy that they would talk about everything later.  She squeezed my arm as she left, thanking me for my help.  It was nice, being a team, being her friend.  I just wish yesterday hadn’t happened.  She would never be my friend if she knew about that.  For starters, she’d arrest me.  I have seriously fucked everything up now.  I know I have.

 

Betsy wanted to know if she was still sacked.  I took her up to my flat, where she became really cocky.  She used my phone charger, or at least my electric and started threatening me again until I completely lost my temper and decided to tell the police everything.  Betsy surprised me by backing down immediately.  She admitted she was just trying to get what she could out of me.  She even apologised and begged to keep her job!  I agreed to think about it on the grounds that she makes up with her Mum.  I told her how distressed Lisa was when she got that call.  I totally get where Betsy’s coming from.  I saw the disappointment on her face when Lisa’s attention was stolen by her work phone today.  And it happened with me too – I got a text from Nina calling me to Roy’s, as Lauren had finally been located.  I suspect that might have been the urgent work call Lisa had. 

 

Betsy clearly feels like she isn’t the most important person to anyone.  But it’s not true.  Lisa adores her.  It’s so obvious.  The way she talks about her.  The way she puts up with her shit.  Come on.  But the truth is, she has a ridiculously demanding job.  An important job.  A job that’s life or death.  If she doesn’t answer that call, it affects people’s lives.  And she doesn’t have someone else, a partner, another parent, to pick up the slack.  I do not envy her.  She is seriously doing it tough.  I think she’s incredible, the way she handles everything.  Absolutely incredible.

 

So, yeah, Lauren has been found.  She’s in hospital, as I write.  I got the text from Nina and I hurried to see her and Roy, who is now out of hospital himself.  Roy was keen to go and visit, against our advice.  But that’s Roy, isn’t it?  Cathy has invited him to go and visit her in Scarborough and he is considering it.  I think the break would be really good for him.  Things have been so stressful for him in Weatherfield.  Understatement of the year.

 

Lisa

 

17^th July 2024

21:11

 

I had a bit of a scare today.  I still don’t really understand what happened because Betsy won’t explain.  I feel like I’m missing several pieces of the puzzle and I am finding that very frustrating.

 

It all started when Carla came to visit me at work.  She wasn’t very happy.  She told me that she needed to end Betsy’s work at the factory.  I was so gutted and practically begged her to give her another chance.  I told her how grateful we were for the opportunity.  But Carla said that Betsy wasn’t behaving herself, wasn’t at the factory now and even that she has been threatening her, which really worries me.  I mean, how is my daughter conducting herself out in the world?  Threatening grown women?  Particularly kind, generous women like Carla?

 

Then I got a call from Betsy herself.  And she really wasn’t at the factory.  She was on bloody Gable Street!  I went into panic mode and practically flew out of the station to rescue her.  But the strangest, loveliest thing happened.  Carla came with me.  She just… offered.  The whole car journey there, when my heart was pounding and I just wanted to cry, she sat in the passenger seat, telling me that Betsy was going to be fine, reminding me that she had already done the right thing by calling me and that she had ‘street smarts’ because she was raised by two police officers.  She was just so lovely.  I’ve been floundering by myself, trying and failing for two and a half years with Betsy, since Becky died.  I’ve been so alone.  For the first time in such a long time, I felt like I had actual support with her.  It felt so wonderful to have someone… to have Carla, actually… by my side, helping me, supporting me.  It was… lovely.

 

We spotted her together.  She hung back politely.  Betsy and I flung ourselves into each other’s arms. Recovered.  Then she ignored me for the whole journey home – after she demanded, rather rudely, to know what Carla was doing with me.  I made it clear that Carla had gone out of her way to help me find her and that we’re lucky she’s being so good to us both.

 

Once we got back to Carla’s flat/the factory, I demanded again to know what Betsy had been up to but she wasn’t budging.  I was interrupted by an urgent work call – Lauren Bolton has officially been found – so I had to go.  My heart broke at the way Betsy looked at me.  Like I am the most disappointing, failure of a mother.  I dread to think what Carla thinks of me now she’s seen Betsy and I in action. She probably thinks I’m the worst mother in history.  But I thanked her anyway.  I instinctively squeezed her arm as I left.  It’s the first time we’ve ever had any kind of physical contact and I… it sent this strange thrill through me.  Just touching her arm.  She’s a beautiful person.

 

I then had to go to the hospital to see Lauren.  It was very strange, actually meeting the girl when I’ve been investigating her ‘murder’ all this time.  She was pregnant, stubborn, defensive and terrified.  I felt for her.  Really felt for her.  I think it’s going to take a long time to get her to trust me, get her to open up about the things she’s been through.  But I can be patient.

 

Next time... Carla takes Roy away, Lisa seeks answers from Lauren and Betsy reveals her connection to Joel...

Chapter 15: Hurricane Betsy

Lisa

 

19^th July 2024

18:32

 

I was up and out early again today.  I dropped Betsy off at Underworld, so at least I know she was productively occupied for the day.  I assume Carla would tell me if she was being a nightmare.  I know Betsy hates it but I do try and pop in when I collect her, partly to make sure Betsy’s actually been into work and partly because… well, I quite like seeing Carla.  I mean, we’re not friends or anything.  I know she’ll never want to be my friend.  Too much has happened.  We’re too different.  Plus, I’m rubbish at making friends.  Becky was the sociable one.  I just tagged along.  You don’t reach your mid forties and just decide to make a new friend, do you? Especially not someone like Carla.  But she tolerates me popping in.  We have a little chat, mostly about Betsy, sometimes just random rubbish.  It’s nice.  I like talking to her.

 

But anyway, most of my day was spent with Lauren.  It still feels a bit odd spending time with her when we all thought she was dead for so long.  Not only was she alive, but she was also pregnant.  I feel terribly sorry for the poor kid.  She’s still absolutely terrified, even though Nathan is locked up.  She says she doesn’t want to press charges.  She’s very reluctant to have the baby tested for DNA when it’s born.  I didn’t push.  I just let her know that she’s safe now and she’s got people looking out for her – Dee Dee, Joel, me, her friends.  I left her my card and promised I’d pick up any time she wanted to talk.  She needs people she can trust in her corner.  From everything I know about her, I’m not sure she’s had that too often in her life.

 

Carla

 

19^th July 2024

10:11pm

 

Well, I’ve fucked up a bit and now I feel pretty guilty.  There isn’t much I can do about it now but I will try and apologise tomorrow.  I should have been kinder.  I know I should have been kinder.

 

I came home after work, after a glass of wine or three in The Bistro and all I wanted was a nice bath and to relax.  And who should be making themselves at home in the flat?  Lauren Bolton.  Without permission, Bobby had invited her to come and stay, if you please!  And I sent her packing.  I know, I know.  I’m evil.  I just… I know what’s she’s been through is absolutely awful.  I mean, I don’t even know the full details.  Lisa would never tell me police business and I kind of switch off when Bobby talks but just the sight of her, all comfy on my sofa, riled me. 

 

If she had just come home months ago then my poor Roy would never have gone through all that trauma.  I know it’s not her fault.  And I gather she’s apologised and of course, Roy has accepted it because he’s Roy.  She clearly feels bad, clearly feels affection for him because she came home when she heard about his heart attack.  But why didn’t she have the courage to do that when she heard he’d been arrested for her murder?  How could she let him suffer like that?  He wouldn’t have had the bloody heart attack if he hadn’t been put through that awful ordeal.

 

I do feel bad for shouting at her though and sending her away.  She deserves more compassion than that.  And I’ve got bloody Lisa’s voice in my head, telling me so.  She would be so pissed off with me for what I’ve done.  I know she would.  She’s desperately trying to keep this kid safe, get her justice, and I’m kicking her out of my flat.  I know I’ve done the wrong thing.  I need to apologise.  I definitely need to apologise.

 

I did see Lisa today, actually.  She’s started popping in to say hello when she collects Betsy.  Is it silly that I look forward to it?  I kind of always make sure I’m not too busy around that time so I can stop and chat.  I like talking to her, even if it’s not for long.  We mostly just chat about Betsy.  I mean, that’s probably all it is to her.  She’s worried about her kid and needs me to reassure her that she’s behaved herself or that she’s done well.  But sometimes, we just talk about nothing much and it feels like she’s there to see me and I like that.  I so nearly invited her out for a drink this evening.  But then I just felt really stupid.  Of course she wouldn’t want to go for a drink with me.  Besides, she was picking Betsy up and taking her home.  She’s got a life to get on with.  I’m her daughter’s boss.  I’m some woman who used to shout at her.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.

 

Carla

 

20^th July 2024

10:45pm

 

So, I have just finished packing and tomorrow, I am heading off to Scarborough with Roy.  He came to work to tell me he had accepted Cathy’s invitation for him to visit.  He was going to get the train and my blood ran cold at the thought.  I mean, who the hell could he get stuck with on the train that might have seen all that Creepy Cropper shit?  No.  I wasn’t having that.  I’m not having him put himself at risk.  So, I’ve decided to take a couple of days off and drive him up there.  I’ll stay overnight in a nice hotel, maybe treat myself to a nice spa or something and then I’ll come home.  And I’ll do the same thing when he wants to come home, unless he has a whole new zest for life or something.

 

Oh, I apologised to Lauren.  I asked Bobby for her number and phoned her.  She accepted it and said she understood why I was angry with her.  She apologised for letting Roy down.  Now I feel worse than ever.  If only she’d come to someone – me, the police, Roy, any adult who could have helped – when Nathan attacked her.  None of this would have happened.

 

Lisa

 

20^th July 2024

22:47

 

It was another long day at work so I decided to venture to The Rovers Return for a quick drink by myself after work.  I almost considered texting Carla and asking her if she wanted to join me but then I just felt stupid so changed my mind.  And anyway, I gather she’s heading off to Scarborough for a few days to take Roy to see his friend so she wouldn’t have been around anyway, probably.  That’s nice of her.  She really is very kind.  Generous.

 

I did have an interesting chat with the barman in the pub though.  Sean.  He obviously had no clue that Betsy’s my daughter as he was full of complaints about her.  He wasn’t nasty, just said she was gobby (she is) and is always on her phone (she is).  It really amused me.  I didn’t let on.  It’ll be funnier when he works it out for himself. 

 

I just really hope she’s actually knuckling down and doing some work for at least some of the time.  Carla is being so nice to us by letting her have this work experience.  It’s probably the last thing she can be bothered with.  But she’s the only one who knows how hard things are between Betsy and me.  And as soon as she knew, she reached out to us.  I’m so grateful.

 

Lisa

 

2^nd August 2024

18:09

 

Today was not a good day.  First, I had to charge a clearly, really nice young lad with arson and endangering life.  He’s Abi Webster’s stepson, the mother of Seb Franklin, who was murdered a couple of years ago.  That case still haunts me.  And clearly, the repercussions continue, as Stefan, the father of Corey Brent, the lad who murdered Seb, has been causing Abi no end of hassle lately.  It’s not my case but I gather there’s been some kind of deep fake thing going on.  It sounds awful.  But in response, this boy, Jack, who’s younger than Betsy and never been in any trouble his whole life, set fire to Stefan’s car.  But he either didn’t think it through and realise that the office could catch fire or that anyone would be in there (why did he think the car was there?!) or he isn’t the sweet kid he makes himself out to be.  I can’t tell.  I want to believe in him but there’s CCTV of him scoping the place out.  I had no choice but to charge him.  I felt so shitty about it.  But I can’t change the rules just because I like someone.  Even if Betsy did something, she’d have to face the consequences.  And let’s face it, that’s a very real possibility these days.

 

Carla was a bit odd when I collected Betsy from work.  So was Betsy, actually.  Neither of them divulged anything but I feel like something has happened.  I’m worried that Carla’s going to get sick of her, of us and pack in the work experience.  I keep trying to tell Betsy that this is a massive opportunity for her and she can’t just throw it away.  But every time I try and speak to her about anything, she just flies off the handle at me.

 

This house was meant to be a new start.  Apart from not waking up in tears, thinking my dead wife’s next to me every morning, nothing has really changed.  The new room, the new furniture, has all helped like I wanted it to.  I still think about Becky all the time.  But I don’t wake up sobbing every morning.  Then I second guess myself, feeling guilty for not sobbing, for moving, for getting rid of things, for trying to move on.  I mean, I’m not trying to move on properly, am I?  I’ve not met anyone.  I’m not trying to date.  I just want to breathe.  I just want to be able to cope.

 

Carla

 

2^nd August 2024

7:15pm

 

I am not happy with my staff.  Well, not all my staff.  With Beth, Izzy and of course… Betsy.  She would have to be in the mix somewhere, wouldn’t she?

 

I came to work this morning to find all three of them already on the premises, which was weird but they came up with some story about one of them needing help with something and the other two offering.  I was sceptical at the time but accepted it.  Then I got a phone call this afternoon from a client to say a box of t-shirts had been delivered to him – by Kirk – by mistake.  I mean, Kirk’s not the sharpest but even he couldn’t deliver t-shirts from a knicker factory.

 

Suddenly, it all clicked into place.  I hauled all three of them in (not Kirk, he clearly wasn’t involved) and demanded the truth from them.  None of them budged but I am pretty certain they’ve been illegally using my premises to created knock off t-shirts to sell.  I am so fucking livid.  They’ve put my business at risk, people’s jobs.  I mean, how many bloody times are people going to risk my livelihood?  Do people think I’m made of money?  Or tin or something?  That they can do anything to me and it doesn’t matter?  That it just bounces off?

 

Betsy was mute.  Sullen.  Izzy wouldn’t give any details but made it very clear that she was sorry and never wanted to jeopardise her job or my business.  Beth was a nightmare.  She was so rude to me.  And then she resigned.  Well, she can piss off.  She was a lazy cow anyway.  The likes of Fiz and Sally can produce double what she can in an hour.  And it’s not that she can’t do it; it’s that she can’t be bothered.

 

I felt so awkward when Lisa stopped by this evening.  She always likes to know how Betsy’s done and what could I say?  I couldn’t tell her about the t-shirts because I’d be reporting a crime to a bloody police officer.  And a good police officer as well, one of those ones who sticks to rules and does the right thing.  A good person.  It’s a shame her morals don’t seem to have rubbed off on her daughter.  But because I was so angry with Betsy, I couldn’t really find anything positive to say either so then it made everything a bit awkward.  And now I feel bad.  I don’t want her to think I’m in a mood with her or anything.  She comes across all tough but I know she’s really sensitive.  I have considered texting but I think I’ll just make it worse.  I’ll just have to draw a line under it and when I see her next, be super friendly.  I think that’s the best way to handle everything.

 

Lisa

 

5^th August 2024

20:20

 

I feel like all Betsy and I do is argue.  We got into a big row last night; she had a full on screaming fit at me for suggesting that she might try and find something productive to do on her days off.  She lost it with me and stormed up to her room.  She nearly slammed her door off its hinges.

 

And today, I bumped into her in the café.  I mean, literally.  She was leaving (with that Mason Radcliffe boy!) as I was arriving and she literally barged into me.  One of the factory girls made some remark about her being a cheeky cow.  And what did I do?  Have a go at her for standing up for me and for herself – Betsy had been giving her and another woman lip, prior.  I didn’t catch exactly what she said but I recognised the tone well enough.  I hate that I’ve become this pathetic woman who can’t stand up for herself.  She shouts at me at home and I just take it.  She shoulder barges me in public and I just take it.  Because all I want is to be close to her, to be loved by her, for her to be glad, for just one day, that I survived.

 

Oh and then, when she demanded I come and collect her this evening… guess what happened?  That Aadi Alahan from the shop came charging out accusing her of theft!  I was absolutely mortified.  I gave him the money she owed and we argued all the way home.  We haven’t stopped.  I feel like we’re never going to stop.

 

Meanwhile, I spent the day trying to persuade Lauren, who went into premature labour yesterday, to agree to a DNA sample.  I didn’t push it.  I spoke to Joel afterwards and he agreed to speak to Dee Dee, as they’re Lauren’s most trusted adults, so they can try and gently persuade her.  I don’t want her running scared.  I know full well how frightening it is to have a prem baby without all the extra trauma of what Lauren’s been through.  Baby Frankie is three months early.  He might not even survive.  I feel so sorry for her.  This has brought back so many memories for me.  And I have no wife to talk to about them.  And no daughter to share them with either.  One’s dead and the other one hates me.

 

I’ve only got you, dear diary.  Aren’t you lucky?

 

Betsy’s birth was terrifying.  And I felt so helpless, watching Becky go through all that.  There was nothing I could do.  I couldn’t fix it.  I couldn’t make anything better for her.  All I could do was hold her hand and hope for the best.  And we looked after Betsy in that hospital and then at home.  We watched her grow and get strong and I just… we were such a team.  Me and Becky.  Me, Becky and Betsy.  Always a team.  I never felt alone when we were together.  And now… now all I ever feel is alone.

 

Carla

 

5^th August 2024

10:21pm

 

Work is a bit tricky now that Beth’s left.  I hate admitting that.  She was a lazy cow.  But she was still a worker, still a pair of hands.  And it was Betsy’s day off today too so we didn’t have her in either.  We’ve got a lot of orders to complete at the moment so it’s a shit time to lose a member of staff.  I guess I’ll have to recruit someone properly part time.  Betsy does a couple of days a week at the moment but she’ll be back at college next month.  And she is only work experience.  I don’t want to be relying on a sixteen year old, stroppy kid, for my work force.

 

I will be sad when she stops working at Underworld though.  Despite everything, I do like the kid.  I’d never tell her but she kind of reminds me of myself when I was her age.  Although, as I’ve said before, she shouldn’t have to rely on her wits like she does.  She’s got this brash, entitlement thing going on that annoys me.  She’s got a Mum who absolutely adores her, who breaks her heart over her every day.  I just wish she could see it.  I never had that.  Never had even one parent who gave a shit.  Betsy had two.  She’s had such a privileged life, been given everything.  And I know it’s been blighted by tragedy but she should still appreciate the Mum that’s still here.

 

Carla

 

7^th August 2024

12:29pm

 

Beth waltzed back in just now and asked her for her job back!  She still won’t take responsibility for anything.  I was only when I threatened Kirk that she even confessed.  She’s stayed loyal to the other girls, which I don’t know if I’m annoyed at or impressed with her with for.  But despite output slowing down, I gave her a very flat ‘no’ and I’ve refused to give her a reference as well.  Cheeky cow!

 

Lisa

 

7^th August 2024

17:01

 

I think I’m going to be stuck at work for a while.  I’ve texted Betsy to confirm she’s going for the sleepover she mentioned with her friends tonight.  She just gave me a thumbs up.  I mean, what am I meant to do with that?  I’m sure when I see her next, we’ll have another row.  It’s all we’ve done for the past week.  I actually feel like she hates me.

 

Carla

 

19^th August 2024

3:51pm

 

I am heading back up to Scarborough tonight to collect Roy and bring him home.  We’ve been in touch plenty while he’s been away and he sounds so much better than he was.  I really hope he’ll be a lot happier when he gets back, a lot more ready to face the world again.  But my protective side is still kicking in and although he’s said he’ll get the train, I still worry.  So, I’m driving tonight, staying at a hotel and I’ll bring him back tomorrow.

 

Roy’s coming home!  Yay!

 

Lisa

 

19^th August 2024

16:59

 

I feel like I don’t know my own daughter.  She came to see me this morning and I was sure it was another fight, another thing I’ve done or not done.  It nearly was, in fact, because I always seem to say the wrong thing to her.  She nearly walked out on me.

 

I am so relieved that she stayed though.  We talked.  She told me that she and Joel Deering have been messaging each other.  She saw him being inappropriate with her friend, Sabrina, months ago.  So, she decided to use it to her advantage and try and get some money off him.  That’s why Carla and I had to rescue her the other week.  He’d just abandoned her in a really dodgy part of town.  She showed me the messages they’ve exchanged.  I even remember commenting on ‘JD’ on her phone on the first day she worked at Underworld, when Carla confiscated her phone.  JD.  Joel Deering.  I’m such a bloody idiot.  I had no idea she was getting involved with older men.  I had no idea she was capable of blackmail!  She says he never touched her, not like with Lauren.  But today, he did hurt her.  He grabbed her arm.  She’s got bruising.  She said he was angry about the blackmail and had just discovered that she was my daughter.

 

I know she’s telling the truth.  I know when Betsy lies.  I can’t always do anything about it but I know when she’s lying.  And I definitely know when she’s being sincere.  It happens infrequently enough these days.  And she wasn’t lying.  She absolutely was not lying.

 

I brought him in for informal questioning.  He denied everything, of course.  He’s even been messaging her on a separate phone to his normal number, probably a burner, so it’s harder to trace back to him.  I challenged him about Betsy’s claims.  He was ready with a story.  He’d been kind to Sabrina, he said, kind to them both.  But Betsy took it all too far, demanded cash from him, won’t stop hassling him, has a crush on him.  Just sitting across from him made me feel sick.  I’ve taken that man into my confidence over Lauren.  I thought he was someone to be trusted.  I like Dee Dee a great deal.  I’ve come to really trust her and all along, her fiancé…  Does she know?  How could she not know?  But I just… I don’t think she could know.  She doesn’t strike me as the kind of person who could ever be dodgy like that.

 

We agreed to draw a line under it.  I pretended I accepted his story but I don’t believe a word of it.  I even dropped him home.  And the second I got a chance when I was back at work, I looked him up on the computer to try and get more of an idea of him, an idea of the cases he takes.  The answer?  Lots of vulnerable young women.  And guess who he acted as duty solicitor for last September?  Yep.  Lauren Bolton.

 

Next time... the police close in on Joel, Carla makes a big decision and Lisa and Betsy bond...

Chapter 16: The Fall of Joel Deering

Notes:

Thank you to everyone reading this and especially those who have been promoting it for me! So grateful!

Lisa

 

20^th August 2024

21:12

 

I hardly slept all night, thinking about Joel.  And now I know I’m right.  I am so angry with myself.  All this time, I thought he was this reliable, nice guy and all along, he’s been a predator.  He’s been using his relationship with Dee Dee to get closer to Lauren at the hospital, making sure none of it looks weird, that this random man is ‘looking out for her’.  When all along, he was the one who attacked her; he has spent months abusing her, grooming her.  He got her pregnant.

 

I phoned him first thing this morning enquiring as to why, in all this time, he never mentioned that he represented Lauren when she was arrested last September.  He dismissed it as something he hadn’t thought was important, said he barely remembered it.  He’s a regular duty solicitor for us, represents lots of people.  Well, I’ve been looking into that more since and yes, he does.  It seems like he often takes the cases of young, vulnerable girls.  Why the fuck didn’t I see this pattern sooner?

 

When I saw Dee Dee in the café later, I figured out quite quickly that Joel didn’t mention that I’d hauled him in for questioning about Betsy.  He dismissed it as something work related.  She seemed very distracted anyway.

 

But I at least feel we’re starting to get results in.  I interviewed Lauren again, with Dee Dee in to support her and she finally told the whole truth about what happened to her.  What Joel did to her.  It was harrowing to say the least.  I’m not exactly inexperienced when it comes to hearing these sorts of things but it affected me.  Obviously, I didn’t show it.  I was just kind to her.  I listened.  I let her tell me her version of everything.  I meant it when I promised I would do everything I could to protect her and get her justice.

 

I’d had Kit interview Joel.  It was unfortunate timing, as we all came out into reception at the same time.  Joel and Lauren kicked off at each other.  I physically had to stand in Lauren’s way.  She’s frightened.  She’s reactive.  I don’t want her to make some kind of mistake that she can’t take back.  Not for him.  Lauren has been let down time and again, her whole life.  People like Joel have taken advantage of her.  I do not want to be someone else who lets her down.  I need to fight for her.

 

Unfortunately, during his interview, Joel had accused Lauren of acquiring medication that would bring on a miscarriage, which had resulted in the premature birth of baby Frankie.  Of course he fucking did.  I had no choice but to take Lauren back in for interview, under caution.  It’s my job.  Even though I don’t believe a fucking word of it.  If anyone did anything to that baby, my money’s on Joel.  I’ve seen Lauren with Frankie.  She adores him.  She’s barely left his side.  I’ve been her.  Different circumstances, thankfully, but I’ve been her.  The terrified Mum by her baby’s incubator, willing them to grow and be healthy, willing them to live.  There is no way on earth she did what he’s accusing her of.  If she didn’t want the baby, she could have had an abortion months ago.  She told me herself that the only good thing to come out of all of this was her son.  She wants to be a good Mum.  She deserves that chance.

 

Carla

 

20^th August 2024

10:33pm

 

I am knackered.  I did have a rather luxurious night to myself in the hotel last night.  I had dinner in the bar and a glass of wine.  But I disappeared fairly quickly afterwards because this bloke started hitting on me. 

 

It was kind of odd, really.  On paper, he was exactly my type.  And I am definitely not mooning over Peter anymore.  Part of me wonders if I’d just had a random hook up, I might feel a bit better about myself, a bit more attractive, a bit less past it.  But I decided, when Peter and I split that that life wasn’t for me anymore.  If I were ever to meet someone again, I want to do it properly.   I want to go on dates.  I want to get to know them.  I want there to be a connection.  I want to fall in love. 

 

But that isn’t likely to be happening any time soon.  And it definitely wouldn’t have happened with a random bloke in a random hotel.  So, I said no and went back up to my room with a bottle of wine and a lovely bath.

 

Yeah, okay, you know what’s coming, don’t you?  Or what came, I should say.  I just had all these thoughts swirling round in my head and I guess I just needed a bit of a release.  It’s not something I do very often.

 

Who did I think about?  Well, we can’t always control was pops into our minds, can we?  It doesn’t always mean anything.

 

Anyway, moving on… It was lovely to be reunited with Roy.  He’s got rid of that awful beard.  Well done, Cathy, if that was your work!  I didn’t have the heart to nag him about it.  But he definitely looks more Roy now.

 

We had a lovely chat on the way home.  He told me all about his trip and the nice, relaxing time he’s had.  He wanted to know all about the factory.  He even asked about Lisa, although he only calls her by her full title.  Apparently, I’ve mentioned her a few times on the phone and he wondered if we were starting to become friends.  I asked if he minded and he said he’d never mind me having a friend so long as they were someone kind, which he believes she is.  He also bears no ill will against Lisa, which is very magnanimous of him, considering everything he’s been through.  I know she feels guilty about it all.  I said I didn’t know if we were friends exactly but I do see her fairly often because of Betsy and I think she is a kind person so perhaps one day, maybe we could be.

 

Lisa

 

21^st August 2024

14:57

 

It’s been another long day, trying to get some kind of concrete evidence on Joel.  I went to work early to resume interviewing him.  He keeps insisting that Lauren bought abortion pills and brought on the premature labour herself, thinking she would miscarry.  I don’t believe it for a second, not least because he tripped himself up over how she was meant to have acquired them.  Did she buy them online?  Did she pay in cash?  Because we can’t find any records for anything.  Unfortunately, not from his account either.  But then, he wouldn’t be so stupid as to leave a trail like that.

 

According to the hospital, there is evidence of the drug in the placenta.  So, now I just have to find some way of proving that he supplied it, not Lauren.

 

My next mission after that, is to find some of these other girls, who I am certain exist, that he has been preying on.  Lauren cannot be the first.  No way.  He’s too good at it.  This is his nature; this is something he’s skilled at.  Grooming.  Abuse.  Hiding in plain sight.  Lauren is one of many.  I just have to find them.

 

I also had to deal with Bethany Platt having a go at me in reception today.  I swear that girl shouts at me every time she sees me.  She is still adamant that Nathan is involved in what happened to Lauren.  I think he’s been set up but she thinks the two of them, Nathan and Joel, must have been working together.  I don’t see it.  I think Nathan, as vile a monster as he is, turned up at a very convenient time for Joel.

 

Hang on, apparently Joel’s here and wants to speak to me.  Maybe he’s going to confess.

 

Carla

 

21^st August 2024

6:00pm

 

Well, the big story of the day is it wasn’t Nathan Curtis who attacked Lauren, although she did confirm it was, it was bloody Joel Deering.  The solicitor.  Dee Dee’s fiancée.

 

Everyone is shocked.  Even I’m a bit shocked and not much shocks me these days.  He seemed like such a nice bloke.  Bit posh, bit arrogant, bit boring maybe but nice enough.  He’s even been helping Lauren since she came back, or so we all thought.  And all along, he’s been operating as this vile abuser without anyone knowing. 

 

I suppose it’s always the people you wouldn’t expect, the people who present themselves as the most straight up, decent people.  I think about Tony, everything he was capable of while presenting a completely different face to the world.  And then there was Frank.  I should have known better with Frank.  I was warned about him and I ignored it.  And I’ll always feel so guilty about that.  For the way I let Maria down.  She still didn’t let me down though.  She was amazing to me back then.  I know we’re not that close now but I will always be grateful for the way she got me through that time.

 

Carla

 

23^rd August 2024

9:51pm

 

Peter and I are getting divorced.  I’ve been thinking about it for weeks now, since I found out he was seeing someone else.  I don’t want to be with him anymore.  We’re done.  We’re over.  For good this time.  But I need to find a way to draw a line under it all.

 

So, I messaged him this evening.  I thought it was more polite than just sending papers through my solicitor.  We had a brief back and forth and we’ve agreed.

 

ME: Hi Peter. I hope you’re having fun sailing the seven seas. Simon says he’s having a blast. Anyway, I’ve been thinking and I think it’s probably time that we made things official and got divorced. Laid everything to rest.

 

PETER: Hi Carla. It’s wonderful to hear from you. I miss hearing from you. Everything is going well here and Si’s doing really well. He’s taken to it like a duck to water, so to speak. I’m happy to go ahead with the divorce. I was actually thinking about it myself. How are you?

 

ME: Great. Well, I’ll get things sorted from my end then. Thank you. I’m fine. Busy with work. The boys are keeping me on my toes. Glad you’re well.

 

PETER: Glad things are good for you. I always want you to be happy, Carla. End of an era, eh?

 

ME: End of an era.

 

And that was it.  I’ll speak to my solicitor tomorrow and get divorce proceedings started.  I feel quite positive about it.  Like, maybe this is the line I need to draw to completely free myself of the past.  Peter’s obviously not had any issues doing it but then, we’ve been living very different lives over the last eight months.

 

I’m not looking to meet anyone new, although I have to admit I’m starting to miss attention just a little bit.  That bloke in the hotel really flattered me, even though I wasn’t interested.  I guess it’s not that I don’t want to meet anyone, it’s that I want to meet the right person.  I want to meet someone I know I can trust.  Someone who won’t batter my heart.

 

Someone who will stay.

 

Lisa

 

23^rd August 2024

22:01

 

I am still knee deep in this case.  I’ve hardly even seen Betsy.  I’ve hardly seen anyone unless they’re involved with Lauren/Joel.

 

When he came in the other night, it was to tell me that Lauren and Dee Dee hatched this big old plan to frame him as revenge for him getting Lauren pregnant.  I mean, it’s such bullshit.  But honestly, the more lies he tells on tape, the worse it will be for him in court.

 

Today, I interviewed Sarah.  Bethany’s words have been rattling round in my head and I’ve had unanswered questions about Sarah’s involvement in the situation with Nathan and the evidence in the van ever since we found it and especially since Nathan made his complaint.

 

I went to Underworld to bring Sarah to the station, partly because I wanted to be polite about it.  I wanted to bring her in quietly, without any fuss.  Just get her to talk to me about whatever it is that she might know.  Also, I kind of secretly hoped that Carla might be around.  Sadly, she wasn’t.  Sarah said she was at some business lunch or something.  It was a shame.  I love seeing her and stopping for a chat.  Is that incredibly sad?  If I had the courage, I’d just ask her if she wanted to go for a drink or something but I’m too sure that she’d say no.  Or she’d say yes out of politeness and not really want to come.  Maybe I should just get over it and ask.  I’m not asking her out on a date!  Just to be my friend.  That’s even sadder, isn’t it?

 

Anyway, I had a good discussion with Sarah.  I don’t think she believes Nathan is involved any more than I do.  But she is understandably frightened for her daughter’s physical and mental wellbeing.  She’s worried about Lauren too, with Joel on the loose still.  And that’s why I am working so bloody hard.

 

Kit also thinks that Nathan and Joel could be in on it all together but I am sure that Joel doesn’t operate that way.  He works alone.  Nathan is nothing but a distraction.  And I am so fucking angry about it.  By the time all of this is done, we’re going to have arrested two wrong men.  I am going to have arrested two wrong men.  I swear I’m normally better at my job than this.

 

Lisa

 

28^th August 2024

21:30

 

I have had a surprisingly lovely evening with Betsy.  She told me that she and Mason have split up.  I tried not to panic, as I hadn’t actually known they were seeing each other.  Not properly.  Mason Radcliffe is not the kind of boy I want my daughter dating!  But she says it’s over and she doesn’t like him anymore.  Apparently she spent the rest of the afternoon with Dylan, the other boy who was involved in the whole bullying thing, with that little Liam Connor.  Another relative of Carla’s?!  I can hardly keep up with her family tree.  Mine is so simple in comparison.  Anyway, I’m not that thrilled about Dylan either but at least he did the right thing in the end and he and Liam seem to be mates now.

 

So, after Betsy opened up to me and I evidently responded appropriately, we spent the whole evening together.  We had dinner and she didn’t disappear afterwards.  She stayed downstairs and we chatted loads.  We talked about boys.  Not really my forte but I knew I’d have to learn to talk about them at some point!  And then she started asking me loads of questions about what I was like as a teenager, if I dated, when my first kiss was, how old I was when I lost my virginity.  I tried not to panic at that.  She assures me that she hasn’t slept with anyone yet but I really want it to stay that way for at least a while.  She’s still my baby.

 

It felt kind of strange talking to her about such personal things.  I would never have spoken to my Mum about that kind of thing, much less asked about her love life.  But she asked and it seemed wrong not to answer honestly.  She wanted to know all about how Becky and I got together, how quickly did I know it was love?  She seemed to really enjoy some of the dating stories about me and Bex.  I guess it’s a side to our life that she’s never known.  She’s only ever known us together, as her Mums.  It felt nice to share anyway.

 

Carla

 

28^th August 2024

10:34pm

 

It was Beth’s leaving drinks tonight.  We all found out rather last minute that she’s moving to Norfolk.  Poor Kirk is devastated, understandably.  She hasn’t given much of an explanation.  I know I was furious with her but I couldn’t just let her go.  I’ve written her a good reference and I gathered the troops for drinks at The Rovers. She was surprised and delighted.  I hope.  I’m glad I’ve made peace with her before she left.

 

It was another busy day at work today, not least because Betsy decided she had a tummy bug a lunch time and couldn’t come back in for the afternoon.  I mean, she lies worryingly easily.  I knew full well that she was skiving off to go to the cinema with Dylan because Sean was talking about it!  Does she think I’m stupid?  One good thing though, she’s broken up with that Mason.  I wasn’t pleased when I heard her chatting about him the other day.  Nor was Sean!  Betsy can be wild but she’s not a bad kid.  Mason on the other hand…  No.  Betsy can do a lot better than him.  And I doubt Lisa has been very happy about them being together either!

 

I haven’t seen her much recently.  I’ve been half tempted to text her and ask her if she wants to go for a drink or something but she probably wouldn’t have the time.  Probably not the inclination either.  Nope.  Just sad wine by myself at home.  It was nice tonight though, being out with the motley crew.  I should really make an effort to do it more.

 

Next time... Carla and Lisa grow closer, Carla takes on Joel and Betsy gets the wrong end of the stick... or does she...?

Chapter 17: Enjoy Your Little Date!

Notes:

This is quite a long one but it covers some significant developments in their relationship so I hope you enjoy it! (To be fair, I think they're all quite long, aren't they?!)

Carla

 

30^th August 2024

10:45pm

 

I went for a drink with Lisa this evening.  It was brief but it was nice.  And thankfully, she turned up afterLeanne and Tracy had finished shouting at each other over the money that Amy unwittingly gave to that cult that Leanne got her involved in.  I think Leanne has seen the error of their ways now, which must be a relief to Nick and Toyah.  I gather they’ve been pretty worried about her for a while.

 

But Lisa came to see me at work.  She wanted to know if Betsy had been in.  She hadn’t.  She called in sick this morning, which I gather was a lie.  Lisa was stressed out of her head though.  They had some kind of spat over lunch and Lisa’s blaming herself, as usual.  I feel so bad for her.  She’s doing her best in such difficult circumstances.  Apparently Joel made some remark the other day about her being a neglectful Mum, which of course, she has taken to heart.  I made sure she knew what I think.  She carries a lot of guilt, I think, from when her wife died.  She says she threw herself into work instead of being there for Betsy.  But nobody teaches you how to grieve.  Lisa had lost the love of her life, in awful circumstances.  She was suddenly all by herself with a teenager.  How was she meant to cope?  I guess her instinct was to go into denial.  We’ve all been there.  She shouldn’t keep punishing herself for every tiny mistake.

 

My only advice was that she talk to Betsy and be honest about how she’s feeling.  I am obviously no expert in kids but I’ve started to get to know Betsy pretty well recently and I think she’d respond to a frank conversation with Lisa.  If she told her the truth about mistakes she feels she made, how much she loves her, how she wants them both to do better in their relationship.  I don’t know if she’ll take any of it on board but it was worth a try.

 

And I’m worried about her as well now because she told me that her boss has closed the case against Joel. She is desperate to keep fighting for Lauren but she’s not allowed to.  And I just don’t think she’ll stop.  I don’t want her getting into trouble.

 

But I was feeling bold so I asked her if maybe she’d like to go for a drink one night.  I posed it like, if she wanted to talk some more.  I was really nervous about asking.  I felt like a kid on her first day of school, trying to make friends with someone far superior.  But she said she’d love to go for a drink!  She actually looked genuinely pleased that I’d asked.  So, I suggested tonight, if she was free and we arranged to meet at The Rovers after work.

 

She was a bit late because Joel made some kind of complaint against Lauren for assault.  She had to arrest her, although I imagine she won’t be pushing too hard for it to stick.  She’s clearly very protective of Lauren and I think that just shows what kind of person she is.

 

We spent about an hour together and it was really nice, actually.  Once we’d discussed her day, my day and of course, Betsy a bit more, we had a proper laugh.  She’s funny.  I’ve got no issue with going and sitting in the pub by myself but it was lovely to sit with a friend.  I think she is a friend now.  I think I can call her that.  I’d like to call her that.

 

Lisa

 

30^th August 2024

22:49

 

My day hasn’t been great.  First, Costello told me that he’s closing Lauren’s case.  It doesn’t even matter how much evidence I’ve gathered, he basically said all the fuck ups I’ve already made mean that we can’t afford to make another slip and targeting a respectable solicitor as the culprit isn’t exactly playing it safe.  Joel found it hilarious that I had to let him go.  I wanted to slap his smug face, especially when he started goading me, criticising me as a parent.

 

Then I took Betsy for lunch, only to learn that she’d pulled a sickie from work.  I’m so annoyed that she’s willing to let Carla down like that, when she’s giving her such an important opportunity.  For college.  For future employment.  We had words and then she stormed out.

 

I hated breaking the news to Lauren and Dee Dee.  I really felt like a failure.  Lauren was so upset.  And then I gather Joel went to the hospital and wound Lauren up enough that she attacked him.  So, I had to arrest her for assault.  I felt like such a bitch.  I’ll find a way to get it dismissed.  I’m not having that girl go through everything she’s been through and then be the one to end up in prison.

 

Afterwards, I fell out with Dee Dee.  I was with her when she got this ‘text’ from Lauren about Joel being at the hospital.  There was no text.  I didn’t see Dee Dee receive one, although to be fair, she was looking at her phone at the time but Lauren gave a full account of what happened and didn’t mention contacting Dee Dee. 

 

Basically, Dee Dee has put a tracking app on Joel’s phone, so she and Lauren will always know where he is, in case either of them fall into danger.  I get it.  But it’s illegal.  I told her off.  I am not having this case fall apart because of a stupid technicality.

 

I went to see Carla today.  I wanted to find out if Betsy had decided to come into work, which of course, she hadn’t.  And then I just ended up spilling my guts to her.  It’s weird.  I’ve never been one for sharing.  Even with Becky, she used to get annoyed with me for not being open enough.  I’m always guilty of spiralling in my head and not letting it out anywhere, not talking about how I feel.  But when I’m around Carla, I can’t seem to shut up.  I don’t know what it is but she seems to create this safe space where I can just talk.  I feel like I haven’t talked for nearly three years.  Maybe it’s because of that time in the car, when she let me cry and didn’t judge me.  She just supported me.  That was two months ago now and I feel like she’s become one of the only people in my world that I can trust.

 

So I told her about Costello closing the case, Joel’s parting shot and the argument I had with Betsy.  I told her how much I’ve fucked up all this time, going back to work too early when Betsy was grieving, feeling like I am constantly letting her down.  She actually suggested I tell Betsy how I feel.  But how can I?  How can I tell my daughter what a mess I am?  I don’t want her to know that I’m barely keeping things together.  But Carla thinks that if I was honest, we might be able to start to heal together.  And I do respect her opinion.  So, I will consider it.

 

I was just about to leave and stop harassing her (she must think I’m such a moany cow) when she randomly asked me if I’d like to go for a drink.  I was so surprised but absolutely delighted.  I’ve wanted to spend more time with her.  I was just too shy to ask.  It was so nice that she asked me.  So, after I finished with Dee Dee, I went to the pub and spent an hour with Carla.  I felt really nervous.  I don’t know why.  I’m not normally nervous around her.  Maybe because it was in a different setting?

 

We got work stuff and Betsy stuff out of the way and then I actually found myself able to relax.  She’s amazing company.  I laughed for the first time in a long time.  She’s really funny.  Really interesting.  She told me some hilarious stories, mostly about the factory lot.  She told me a bit about her family.  She’s got two brothers and one sister.  One brother has died, one brother in prison (she was a bit awkward telling me that but I was quick to make sure she knew that I don’t judge people like that) and her sister is a lesbian.  She was kind of awkward telling me that too, I think.  Like I thought she was about to follow it up with ‘do you know her?’  Both her parents have died.  She’s been married five times!  Twice to the same guy - Peter.  She must have really loved him.  Honestly, how any of those men let someone like her go, I have no idea.  She’s amazing.

 

Lisa

 

30^th August 2024

23:34

 

I didn’t mean amazing like that.  Obviously.  I just meant amazing as a person.  I mean, she’s got everything, hasn’t she?  The looks.  The charm.  The intelligence.  The style.  The career.  And I just… well, I suppose what I mean is that if you were to end up with someone special like that, why would you walk away?

 

Lisa

 

30^th August 2024

23:40

 

To clarify, I don’t mean that I want to be with Carla.  Not that I would stand a chance anyway but that’s not the point.  The point is that I would never be interested in anyone that wasn’t Becky.  I would never do that.  I would never betray her or upset Betsy.  I’m single for the rest of my life now.  I just think Carla’s wonderful.  That’s all.

 

Lisa

 

30^th August 2024

23:50

 

And straight.  She’s also straight.

 

Lisa

 

2^nd September 2024

21:24

 

I physically dropped Betsy off to work this morning.  She wasn’t thrilled but I wanted to make sure she actually went in.  She still got distracted on her way in, talking to Dylan.  But she went in, which is the main thing and apart from having a long lunch time than she’s meant to have, she’s been in work all day, got her head down and Carla was pleased with her.

 

I went in to collect her and stopped to talk to Carla while Betsy was packing up.  She actually said she was ‘never too busy’ to talk to me, which meant a lot.  I mentioned that I’d really enjoyed going for a drink the other night and that it’s been a while since I had a mate to spend time with.  I lost of a lot of friends when Becky died.  She said that she really enjoyed going out too and would like to do it again, if I wanted to.  I do.

 

I had to drop Betsy at home and come back out because of the case, which I felt bad about.  She told me on the way home that she’d broken up with Dylan.  I didn’t even know she was dating him!  She said it was very brief and didn’t really get going.  She was trying to distract herself from Mason, she said.  Honestly, I’m trying to keep up.  I’m trying to be a cool, modern, relaxed Mum.  But it is so bloody hard.  I just want to keep her away from all boys until she’s well into her twenties.  At least.

 

I still feel bad about going out again.  I’m not even meant to be working on this case but I just can’t let it go.  I teamed up with Dee Dee today and she went to get information on Joel’s old firm.  At first, we thought it had been fruitless but then a member of staff called back with some information.  Off the record, of course.  Joel did in fact leave under a cloud, as we suspected.

 

But the reason I had to go back out was because Joel had made an official complaint against Dee Dee, claiming that she had been involved in insider trading.  I don’t exactly know what the story is and I opted not to ask in case she incriminated herself or anyone she loved but her Dad had some issues last year and she helped him.  Nothing illegal as far as I’m aware.  I’m choosing to believe her.

 

She gave me a second phone of Joel’s today, that she’d got hold of.  She begged me to get it forensically checked.  I’ve given it to a friend of mine in tech to look at but it’s a huge risk.  I was hesitant about it.  So was my friend.  If I get caught still investigating, I could get suspended.  I could get sacked.  But I so desperately want justice for Lauren.

 

Carla

 

2^nd September 2024

9:59pm

 

It was a pretty busy day at work today.  Betsy actually turned up!  She took the piss a bit with her lunch break but to be honest, I’ve come to expect that.  Bobby had a right moan at me this evening about it, actually.  He said that I favour Betsy and I’m always cutting her slack when I don’t with anyone else, even him.  Well, for starters, I cut him LOADS of slack when he first turned up.  Secondly, Betsy is sixteen years old, grieving, got all manner of stuff going on.  Yeah, I will cut her some slack.  And I’ll cut her Mum some slack as well.  I’m not going to let her sit there and do nothing.  I’m not that soft.  She does work.  But if she pushes a bit, to be honest, I don’t mind.

 

I saw Lisa briefly this afternoon when she came to collect her.  We both said how much we had enjoyed going for a drink the other night and we’ve both said we would like to do it again.  She told me she’s not really maintained that many friendships since Becky died.  Honestly, I wanted to hug her.  She was just so real and honest with me.  And I get it.  I’m not overwhelmed with people these days.  The people I’ve got, I love and are so incredibly important to me.  But I think, a little bit, Peter and I got kind of insulated with each other.  Lost some connections with other people.  Maybe that’s why he felt so stifled and had to leave me.

 

Lisa

 

4^th September 2024

20:03

 

Well, my day finished up a lot nicer than it started.  It started with an argument in Roy’s café, with Betsy.  It was my fault.  I was distracted by work, as usual.  My mate in tech called to say that she’d not forgotten about Joel’s phone.  I’ve been desperately waiting for her to call and I was hopeful she might have been ringing to say she’d found something.  But she’s still working on it, in her spare time.  I am aware that she’s doing me a massive favour.  For starters, she could get into trouble for this almost as much as I could.  I mean, she won’t get sacked but she would get disciplined.  So, I am incredibly grateful for her help.  We used to be very close.  She came to mine and Becky’s wedding.  We’ve even been on holiday together.  She’s one of the few people who has kept in touch since Becky died but just not… close, you know?  And that’s mostly on me, not her.

 

But while I was speaking to her, Betsy got pissed off with me for not listening.  Even when I switched my phone to silent, she wouldn’t forgive me and ended up storming out.  It was especially embarrassing because Carla was there, chatting away at the counter.  I didn’t think she’d seen us.  Maybe Betsy storming out caught her attention.  But she came over, on her way out and just… put a hand on my shoulder, asked me if I was okay.  I assured her I was, dismissed it as the usual teenage rage.  She sort of squeezed my shoulder and reminded me that she was around, to text her if I wanted to go for another drink or if I just wanted to pop in for a chat.

 

Work was tiresome.  Kit is always lurking around, pissing me off, reminding me that I’m not meant to be investigating Joel anymore.  And then, of course, he dobbed me into Costello.  I don’t 100% know it was him but it strikes me as fucking obvious.  I don’t really know what his problem with me is but we’ve just never got on.  Maybe it was the dressing down I gave him in front of his mother soon after he first started?  Maybe he doesn’t like having a woman as his direct superior?  Or maybe he just doesn’t like me.  Well, the feeling is mutual.  Just his face is pissing me off at the moment.  He’s the kind of ambitious copper that cannot be trusted.  He’ll stab you in the back and you won’t even hear him coming.  I mean, I was ambitious at his age but never ruthless.  My morals have always been intact.  And I always thought that was what made me a good police officer.

 

So, Costello has basically given me one more chance.  He has told me that if I continue to ignore him and investigate Joel, then he will suspend me.  I know what I have to do.  I know I have to stop.  But I just… can’t.  I keep thinking about Lauren, spending day and night in that hospital, watching over Frankie, the way Becky and I did over Betsy and I cannot abandon her.  Not now.

 

However, putting all that aside, something truly lovely happened today.  I came to collect Betsy for college and she was like a different person.  She’d even bought me a custard slice.  I can barely remember the last time she made a gesture like that.  Months ago.  She even apologised for kicking off this morning.  I apologised too; I am well aware of what I’m like on a case.  I actually had the space to tell her that I love her and that I’m sorry I’m not always good at showing it.  She teased me for getting ‘drippy’ and then linked arms with me to walk to the car.  I am still in shock.

 

It was when she made eye contact with Carla that I realised.  I let Betsy go to the car and I stepped into speak to Carla myself.  I thanked her for whatever she did to ease things with Betsy.  She told me she just reminded her that she was lucky to have me.  I couldn’t help but take that to heart.  She also refused to let me criticise myself.  She always does that.  Stands there, ready with compliments and support.  She probably has no idea what it means to me.  To have that validation.  And from someone whose opinion means so much to me.

 

I told her about the risk of suspension.  She was concerned about me ignoring Costello’s warning.  I’mconcerned.  But fighting for Lauren feels more important than following the rules.  And I say that as someone who pretty much always follows the rules.  I take the rules very seriously.  I know I’m putting myself at risk but Lauren is at more risk if Joel doesn’t get locked up so I have to try.

 

Betsy and I have had a nice evening together.  She helped me cook dinner and we chatted.  I don’t know how long this whole thing will last but I’ll take what I can get.  All I want is to have a good relationship with my daughter.

 

Carla

 

4^th September 2024

8:40pm

 

I went to Roy’s for breakfast this morning and got chatting to Shona and Abi.  Abi told me that Jack is about to be sentenced for arson or something.  I don’t know the full story but I hope he’s okay.  Poor kid.  He’s only fourteen and he’s already been through so much in his life.  He’s a good kid.  Never causes any trouble, not like some of the youth round here!  I mean, compare him to Fiz’s kid!

 

Speaking of…  I felt so sorry for Lisa this morning.  While I was gabbing away to the girls, The Swains were having breakfast together.  Until they weren’t.  I don’t know what happened exactly.  Something about Lisa’s phone, I think.  I mean, I already know that Betsy feels second best to Lisa’s career.  I saw as much the other week when we had to go and find her on Gable Street.  As soon as Lisa’s phone went, Betsy’s face just dropped.  She’d rather have negative attention from Lisa than none, I think.

 

So, she stormed out.  Lisa looked absolutely crestfallen.  I didn’t want to stick my nose in too much but on my way out, I just checked she was okay, made sure she knew I was around for a chat or a drink or anything she needed.  And I do think I helped later on.

 

I called Betsy in so I could see the work she’d been doing.  Good work, as it happens.  She is very talented, if she only applied herself a bit more.  She chatted about work.  She was full of her usual quips.  Then I casually brought up the incident this morning.  I started by empathising with Lisa, with her job, being a single Mum, how hard everything must be for her.  Betsy was dismissive.  She’s clearly resentful of Lisa being a Detective, being dedicated to her work.  She told me that her other Mum did all the ‘touchy feely stuff’ and she doesn’t think Lisa even thinks about her.  She even called her DS Swain.

 

So, I broke Lisa’s confidence.  I told Betsy that Lisa had confided in me about how she wished they were closer.  I encouraged her to consider meeting her Mum halfway.  And she obviously took what I said to heart because she was so lovely with her when she came to collect her for college (yeah, she’s so neglectful that she literally drives her around everywhere).

 

But it was lovely, watching them surreptitiously from my office.  Betsy had saved Lisa a custard slice – they’re her favourite, apparently – she told me when she asked if she could put it aside from the cake run.  I couldn’t hear what they were talking about but there were lots of smiles and they seemed much more affectionate with each other than I’ve ever seen them before.

 

On the way out, Lisa stopped off to see me.  She knew I’d interfered.  For a moment, I was worried I’d overstepped but she was so grateful.  It was so sweet.  I told her that all I’d done was remind Betsy how lucky she is to have her, which is true.  She is lucky and if she needs me to nudge her about that sometimes, then I’m happy to do so.  Lisa was still feeling down about herself, her failings but I’m not going to give her an inch.  Every time she does it from now on, I’m going to make it clear how amazing she is.  Because she is.  And she should know that.

 

My big concern is that she has now been threatened with suspension if she continues to investigate Joel.  And she won’t stop investigating Joel.  I know justice for Lauren is important to her.  Lauren’s safety as much as justice.  But if Lisa gets suspended or heaven forbid, loses her job, what will happen to her?  She loves her job.  The only thing she loves more is Betsy.  She’s already hanging by a thread.  I don’t want her to fall apart if she gets into trouble at work.

 

Carla

 

6^th September 2024

6:07pm

 

I made a big mistake today.  I am just so relieved that Lisa was there to help me, not because I was in danger but because the last thing I need is to get into trouble.  Especially with that car/bike incident still weighing down on me.

 

My day started nicely enough.  I had a coffee with Lisa at Roy’s.  She had to leave fairly quickly because she got a call from Betsy’s college to say that she hasn’t been going into class.  We’re both pissed off about it.  I’ve been scheduling her shifts around college, after Betsy begged me to keep her on once term started.  And Lisa’s been ferrying her round, taking her there and back – bearing in mind she’s fitting it in around a busy work day.  It’s really frustrating.  Betsy is such a bright girl.  She just can’t seem to get it into her head that she needs to focus.

 

This afternoon was when it happened though.  Sometimes, I just let my mouth run away with me and I know it gets me into trouble.  I had a client meeting at the Chariot Square Hotel.  It was a nice one, with Lorna, one of my favourite clients.  She even paid!  Obviously, we discussed work but we also had quite a nice bitching session.

 

Then Joel turned up, having some meeting with some woman.  After Lorna left, I barged over and started shooting my mouth off.  Mentioning rape, murder, GBH and Lauren Bolton by name.  The woman left sharpish.  When he tried to get me to shut up, telling me he was ‘warning me’, I repeated it back, LOUDLY!  And then I carried on with my day, feeling pretty pleased with myself.

 

I was the last one left at work, as usual.  I’m always the first in, last out.  I suppose you could say that Underworld is the true love of my life.  How sad is that?  Roy had Hayley, Fiz has Tyrone, Lisa had Becky, Sally has Tim and I have a knicker factory!

 

But I was alone when Joel turned up.  He just breezed into my office, threatening to sue me for slander, if you please!  I’ll bet he bloody does it as well!  He’s that kind of petty bastard.  He then started goading me, talking shit about Roy and it just… wound me up.  As he knew he would.  I launched myself at him, just as Lisa turned up, like some kind of angel.  But like a brave, feisty one.  She physically held me back and as wound up as I was, I’m glad she did.  She also stood shoulder to shoulder with me and ordered Joel to leave.

 

I was so wound up afterwards.  I know I was ranting.  I just hate that feeling over being out of control.  It terrifies me.  For obvious reasons.  I need things in my life to be calm and centred and I need to be in charge of it all.  I ranted about Peter, Stephen and Roy and I nearly told her about Jenny and Daisy robbing me but I managed to stop myself.  They’re paying me back little by little and I promised I wouldn’t go to the police.  Lisa is my friend but she’s also a police officer.  If I reported a crime, she’d have to act on it, even if she didn’t want to.

 

She was so lovely though.  She just sat there and let me shout, let me get it all out of my system.  Then she reached out and stroked my arm to comfort me and that would have done it, I think.  It would have calmed me enough to sit down and talk properly.  But then Betsy barged in, shouted something like ‘great’ and stormed back out in a temper.  I still don’t know what happened.  I don’t know why she was so angry.  I’ve resisted texting Lisa all evening but I figured she might have some kind of row on her hands and I don’t want to interrupt whatever rage Betsy’s got herself into this time.  Hopefully I’ll be able to catch up with Lisa on Monday.  We don’t normally see each other on weekends.  I mean, I suppose I could text her tomorrow or something, ask her for a drink.  We both said we’d like to do that again and I could really do with someone to talk to.

 

Lisa

 

6^th September 2024

22:02

 

It’s been a really unsettling day.  I don’t really know how I’m feeling.

 

It started fine.  I had coffee with Betsy, which was actually lovely and then she swapped places with Carla, which was also lovely.  But then I got a call from Betsy’s college.  She hasn’t been going in since the first day of term!  I’m so annoyed with her.  We did talk about it tonight and she had promised she will start going in.

 

She ignored my calls all day and I couldn’t find her in any of her usual haunts.  She definitely wasn’t at college because I tried there too.  So I popped into Underworld to see if she’d been there at all.  I got waylaid by work, so I arrived just after they’d closed but Carla was still there.  As was Joel.

 

I heard him winding her up about Roy.  I gather there was some kind of incident earlier today.  I need to ask her a bit more about it; we ran out of time today.  I hurried in just as she launched herself at him and caught her just in time to stop her doing any damage.  I’ve never seen her like that before.  She’s normally so controlled.  She was just so angry.  I had to physically hold her back.  Then together, we sent him packing.

 

She was so upset though and I felt so sorry for her.  I just let her rant for a bit.  She’s got so much in her head, so much in her life that’s hurting her – Peter, everything that happened with Roy and she’s still struggling, I think after everything Stephen Reid did.  She started saying something about Jenny but I didn’t get to the bottom of it.  She clearly didn’t want to tell me and I’m not going to push.  I just listened but she was so upset, I felt like she needed some kind of comfort.  It’s strange really.  I don’t really have physical contact with people these days.  Betsy never hugs me anymore.  Becky’s gone.  There isn’t anyone else.  But I reached out and stroked her arm, trying to reassure her in a way I couldn’t find the words for.

 

Then Betsy barged in.  She shouted something like ‘great’ and then stormed back out again.  I knew.  I knew exactly what she thought.  Poor Carla was oblivious and I bloody hope she stays that way.  I would be absolutely mortified if she thought I had feelings for her.  She’d never want to spend time with me again if she thought some lesbian widow was lusting after her.  Which I’m not.  But if she thought I was…  That would be so awful.

 

I ran out after Betsy and found her in the gardens.  She was so angry.  I tried to take the moral high ground, talking to her about skipping college.  But all she wanted to talk about was Carla.  She accused me of trying to replace Becky, when she hasn’t even been gone for three years.  That hurt a great deal.  Even if I did move on, which I won’t, I would never replace Becky.  She was my wife.  She was the person I planned to spend the rest of my life with.  She’s the only woman I’ve ever loved.

 

I denied anything had happened between me and Carla, that I had only been comforting her.  She just mocked me, saying I was blushing, suggesting she was cramping my style.  Was I blushing?  I don’t know.  I mean, the whole thing is bloody embarrassing.  I reminded her that Carla is straight and do you know what she said?

“So’s spaghetti until you boil it.”

 

And then she told me.  She told me that Carla was the one who knocked that lad off his bike a couple of months ago.  She opened her car door on him, knocked him over and then drove off.  She admitted that she basically blackmailed Carla into keeping her on.  It all makes sense now.  That day that Carla came to the station to tell me things weren’t working out with Betsy.  She said Betsy had been threatening her.  That’s what she meant.  I didn’t pursue it because Carla seemed happy to keep her in the end, she’d helped me track her down and honestly, because my happiness pretty much depends on Betsy’s.

 

We went home and talked things through properly.  I made it very clear that I do not have feelings for Carla beyond friendship, reminded her again that Carla is straight and that nothing had or would ever happen between us.  She seems to have reluctantly accepted it.  I just hope we can all move on from here.

 

I am still so shocked about what Betsy told me though, about Carla knocking that boy down.  I do understand that he harassed Roy.  It’s what provoked his heart attack.  I understand Carla’s fear and anger.  But how could she just drive off and leave him?  It goes against everything I feel I know about her, that she would do something like that.  She feels like a protective person, not an aggressor.  I know she lost her shit with Joel but let’s face it, I’m not above that.  I haven’t lost it with him yet.  But give me time.  He loves provoking people into a reaction.  I still feel so shocked though.  I can’t imagine her hurting anybody.  She’s too lovely.

 

Lisa

 

7^th September 2024

02:49

 

I do have feelings for Carla.  I have to stop lying about it, even if only to myself.  I don’t know how it happened and I feel so fucking guilty.  But I do.  I have feelings for her.  How could I not?  She’s so beautiful.  And funny. And clever.  And charming.  And kind.  I love spending time with her.  It’s the highlight of my day, getting to see her, if only for a few minutes.  She’s incredible.

 

I know nothing could ever happen between us.  I don’t even want it to.  I could never betray Becky like that.  Never.  But also, she is very definitely straight.  She’s lovely and I’m grateful that she wants to be my friend but I’m lucky I’ve even got that.  She’d never be interested in me in that way.

 

Still, it didn’t stop me… thinking about her tonight when I couldn’t sleep.  Well, it turns out I’m not dead from the waist down after all.  I feel so guilty for doing it but I just couldn’t stop thinking about her.  What it would be like to kiss her, touch her, be touched by her. 

 

So yeah, that happened.  And now I can’t sleep still because I feel so guilty.  I’ve got feelings for my straight friend and I’ve lied to my daughter about it.

 

Lisa

 

9^th Monday 2024

14:05

 

I am fucking mortified!  I could actually kill Betsy.  I mean it.  I am never going to look Carla in the eye again.  I mean, she was very nice about it all but… ugh I am so embarrassed.  Betsy TOLD HER about her dating theory.  She fucking told her!

 

My day started by arriving at work and looking up the incident with Carla and that boy, Travis, on the computer.  I’ve been worrying about her all weekend and if there was any possible way I could fix it so that she didn’t have to deal with the consequences, I would have done.  I know it’s against the rules.  I know it’s the wrong thing to do.  But it’s Carla.  She’s helped me so much and I care about her so much, I couldn’t not try and help.

 

Well, she turned up late morning.  Evidently, Betsy had admitted that she’d told me the truth and so, to save herself the embarrassment of being arrested (I would never have done that to her), she came to hand herself in.  I couldn’t ignore it, like I’d hoped to, because a complaint was made by the boy’s parents at the time but I would never ever have steamed in and arrested her.  I would have spoken to her privately and asked her to come in.  I would have made it as easy as I could.  And I hope I did that for her today.

 

When she arrived, I was dealing with Nick Tilsley.  He was telling me about some cult that Leanne had been burned by.  They’ve stolen money, brainwashed people, all kinds of things.  I’ve never heard of them.  I took the book of notes he gave me, detailing everything but honestly, I stopped listening as soon as I saw Carla walk through the door.  She looked gorgeous.  That’s another thing I am mad at Betsy about.  If she hadn’t kicked off on Friday then I would never have had to admit to myself that I have feelings for Carla.  I would never have got myself off, thinking about her on Friday night.  And Saturday.  And last night.  Ugh… seeing her today was so difficult, only made worse by Betsy humiliating me in the middle of reception.

 

I took Carla into a room; made her a coffee and we talked about what happened.  She seemed genuinely full of remorse.  She said she had been going to report it ASAP but lost her nerve.  I did empathise and explained that because a complaint had been made, I had no option but to interview her under caution, which she accepted with good grace.  I explained that she was likely to be charged with ABH.

 

She was so apologetic, refused to excuse herself and even apologised for getting Betsy involved.  I’ve been dealing with Betsy my own way over the weekend and made it very clear that she is in big trouble for how she’s treated Carla.

 

I did interview her under caution.  I made it as painless as possible and for her part, she was very forthcoming. Explained the whole thing – leaving Betsy out of it.  There is a lot of regret and apology on her tape, which will do well for her in court.  She said she would plead guilty so hopefully it will just be community service and a fine.  I did what I could to reassure her.

 

I was walking her back out.  We were chatting about it not being her ‘first rodeo’.  She teased me about whether I’d looked her up on the computer or not.  I mean, I kind of have.  Not really.  I haven’t clicked on any files or anything.  But I’ve seen a list of incidents she’s been involved in, questioned for.  She’s got a bit of a colourful history.  But I still feel like this incident is out of character.  She’s so gentle, so kind.  I can’t imagine her doing anything actually malicious.  Maybe my judgement is a bit clouded.  I don’t know.

 

Anyway, we were just chatting when Betsy arrived.  I’d got completely caught up with Carla and forgotten I was meeting Betsy for lunch.  I explained I had to cancel and she accused me of having a better offer.  And to make things even worse, she charged out shouting at us to enjoy our little date!  I am so mortified.  To her credit, as surprised as Carla was, she at least laughed.  She didn’t recoil in horror or disgust at the idea.  I mean, obviously I know she’s not homophobic or we wouldn’t be friends.  But it’s different, isn’t it?  When you’re platonic friends with someone and then there’s a suggestion of something else and that person is someone you would never want in a million years?

 

I had to awkwardly explain that Betsy thinks we’re having some kind of affair.  She seemed amused.  I could barely look at her, busying myself with her paperwork instead.  She squeezed my arm, as she left, reminding me that we need to go for a drink, joking about it being a date.

 

So yeah, I am mortified.  There’s no way I can go for a drink with her now.  I don’t even know if I can carry on being her friend.  How can I look at her every day, knowing she knows what Betsy thinks?  And of course, knowing that it’s true.  I do want her.  Ugh.  This is terrible.

 

Carla

 

9^th September 2024

9:01pm

 

It’s been an interesting day, to say the least.

 

So, I finally had to hand myself in about the incident with that boy, Travis.  Betsy confessed this morning that after she stormed out of work on Friday, she told her Mum everything.  I’m shocked Lisa didn’t come and arrest me over the weekend.  I’m actually starting to think, she might not have done.  She’d already looked it up on the computer, so when I came in to speak to her, she said she had no choice but to interview me under caution.  If there hadn’t been, would she have waived it away?  Would she really have done that for me?

 

She was so sweet to me.  She made me a coffee and we sat and talked.  I explained what happened, expressed my guilt.  I started rambling, apologising for getting Betsy involved.  I was possibly going to incriminate myself or Betsy further so she interrupted and told me to stop talking.  Then she did this lip bite thing that for some reason, I can’t get out of my mind.  She just looked so… attractive.  But maybe my mind is clouded because of what happened afterwards.  I don’t know.

 

After my formal interview, she took me back out to reception.  We were just chatting.  I joked about her looking me up on the computer and knowing all my sins, which she didn’t confirm or deny.  Then Betsy turned up and said the weirdest thing.  Apparently, she thinks Lisa and I are having some kind of affair.  That’s why she was so angry on Friday.  She thought she’d walked in on something.  I mean, we were just talking.  Lisa had her hand on my arm but that was all.  She was just comforting me.

 

I found the whole thing very funny, Betsy suggesting that we were an item.  Poor Lisa was mortified.  I tried to make light of it, make her feel better.  But she clearly felt awkward and I felt sorry for her.  There was nothing I could do though.  If I’d been affectionate, it would have made things awkward.  If I disappeared, it would have made her thing I had an issue, which I don’t.  So, I just asked her out for a drink again, joked about it being a date.  I don’t know if it was the right or wrong thing to do but I tried.

 

As for what Betsy actually said… I mean, what a compliment.  Lisa is amazing!  She’s pretty much perfect, as far as I can tell.  It’s a huge compliment to think that anyone would think I was good enough for her.  I mean, obviously I don’t feel that way.  I’m not into women.  I’ve snogged a few over the years but nothing romantic.  I just don’t swing that way.  But if I did, Lisa would be my first choice.  100%.  She’s incredible.

 

Carla

 

9^th September 2024

11:43pm

 

Does it mean anything that I’ve thought about Lisa a couple of times?  Like that?  I mean, it wasn’t planned, especially not the first time.  But it did happen.

 

But I’m straight.  I’ve never looked at a woman like that.

 

But I can never seem to stop looking at Lisa.  Or thinking about her.

 

Especially when she did that lip bite thing earlier.

 

I mean, she would never actually be interested in me.  She made that clear.  But has Betsy read something from my end?  I love spending time with her.  I actively look forward to seeing her.  I’m disappointed if I don’t get to see her.  Do I like her?

 

No.  No way.  I can’t.  None of this makes any sense.

 

Next time... Ryan and Daisy break up, the case against Joel is reopened and Betsy has a confession... 

Chapter 18: Confession

Carla

 

10^th September 2024

12:30pm

 

Paul died yesterday.  He wasn’t someone I knew particularly well but I was fond of him.  And I felt so guilty about the accident I had.  We thought for so long that I was responsible for the pain and weakness he had when it turned out to be the MND.  I still worry that the accident brought it out in him.  That it was my fault somehow.  I shouldn’t have got in the car.  I wasn’t in my right mind.  Because of Stephen bloody Reid.  I still feel so bad about it.  I’ve sent flowers and a card to Billy but I don’t feel like it’s my place to start flocking round him.  He’s got lots of friends and family, people who have been there for the whole journey.  I’m not someone close.  I just wanted them to know I cared.

 

Lisa

 

10^th September 2024

16:58

 

I finally got information back from my mate in tech.  She managed to pull up several texts between him and a girl, which I’ve spent the day investigating.  The messages are actually sickening.  I confided my findings in Craig.  I’m pretty sure I can trust him.  He mentioned that girl, Ellie, who confirmed that Nathan had groomed her.  He found me her address and I’ve tried to make contact.  I’ve also been put in touch with a former sex worker, named Nicky, the one who was involved with Daniel, years back, and she may well be able to help me.  I’m still trying to keep things under wraps.  I don’t want to get into trouble, well, not any more trouble than I’m already in.  But I can feel myself getting closer to truth now and I can’t just let it go.

 

I did invite Dee Dee to come with me to speak to Ellie but she wasn’t up for it.  She was all out of sorts because her friend, Paul – Kit’s brother – died yesterday.  He had MND and I gather he fought it with a lot of grace and dignity.  I didn’t know him but he sounds like a lovely guy from what I’ve been told.  He’s married to the local vicar, Billy.  Or, he was.

 

Dee Dee was worried about what to say to Billy.  I just admitted that really, there’s nothing she can say.  All she can do is let Billy know she’s there for him.  Nothing anyone said to me helped.  And eventually, I pushed everyone away by completely shutting down.  I’ve pretty much got no friends left now, from the busy social life that Becky and I once had.  Certainly not close friends.  It’s sad, really.  I hope Billy has lots of friends and family around him.

 

Lisa

 

16^th September 2024

22:21

 

We have finally made some progress on the case!  It was a long, arduous task but thanks to Daniel’s friend, Nicky, Dee Dee and I were able to sit down with Ellie, who reluctantly confirmed that she was another of Joel’s victims.  It didn’t go well to start with and she ran off, refusing to make a statement.  But she did direct us back to Joel’s old firm, as she was silenced by them with an NDA for his behaviour towards her.

 

Against my advice, Dee Dee went off to the firm again to quiz them and this time, she really got somewhere.  They are not only lifting the NDA so Ellie can tell her story but they gave Dee Dee a list of Joel’s old clients, upon which I am certain we’re going to find more victims of abuse.

 

I was shitting myself approaching Costello about it all, as it meant I had to admit to him that I’d continued investigating when he told me not to, multiple times, even threatening me with suspension.  By rights, he could still have suspended me for disobeying orders.  But he didn’t.  He agreed to reopen the case, believing there is now at least enough evidence against Joel to investigate.  Dee Dee and I went to the hospital to let Lauren know and the relief on her face was enough to tell me that I’d done the right thing by taking so many risks. She’s still terrified.  Of course she is.  But we’ll be there to support her and we will put him away.

 

I’ve just come in from having a drink with Carla.  This morning, Joel served her with papers, suing her for slander.  I couldn’t go in to check on her at the time because I got the call from Nicky but I texted her towards the end of the day and asked her if she wanted to meet up, which she did.  I told her that the investigation is open again and that should get rid of the slander accusation anyway.  I don’t just want to protect Lauren and Betsy and Ellie and goodness’ knows how many other girls.  But Carla, being protective, has got herself involved in all of this as well and I want to protect her too.

 

I felt a bit… shy seeing her, after what happened at the station the other day, with Betsy, but it was absolutely fine.  She was no different with me than she always is and actually, once we’d got all the Joel stuff out of the way, we had a proper laugh.  I had to get a taxi home because we ended up sharing a good couple of bottles of wine.  I just hope she never finds out about this stupid crush on her, that I have.  I don’t want her to think that I’m hanging out with her because I fancy her.  It’s not that.  I genuinely enjoy her company.  She really makes me laugh and I feel so relaxed in her company.  I haven’t felt like that with another person in such a long time.  She just makes me feel really safe, like I can share parts of myself, my life.  I can be honest when I’m stressed.  I can be silly, which is not part of my DS Swain persona at all.  I just love spending time with her.  She’s amazing company.

 

Carla

 

16^th September 2024

10:56pm

 

I just got back from a really lovely couple of hours, having a drink with Lisa.  She texted me out of the blue this afternoon and asked me and I jumped at the chance to say yes.  I’d had such a shit day.

 

Joel followed up on his decision to sue me for slander this morning and served me with papers.  Then I had a client pull out of a deal (not related), which was a huge disappointment.

 

Lisa was there when I got served but she didn’t come in.  I waited for her.  I thought she would.  And I was really disappointed that she didn’t (she got a work call before she could, apparently).  So, when she texted me, I was elated.

 

We had such a nice time together.  She’s so funny.  Sarcastic, like me.  Really sharp.  Honestly, I love spending time with her.  I was worried she might be avoiding me after Betsy embarrassed her but things feel normal between us.  I know she doesn’t fancy me.  I’m not entirely sure if I fancy her or not but let’s not dwell on that too much.  My brain can’t take it.

 

The good news of the day though, is that the investigation into Joel has been reopened, thanks to Lisa’s tireless work.  I’m so proud of her.  And I thought it was sweet that she made it very clear that once he’s charged, he won’t have a leg to stand on with the slander case.  She’s always so protective, so reassuring.  I love that about her.

 

Lisa

 

18^th September 2024

21:39

 

I always feel like it’s one step forward and two steps back with Betsy.  We’ve been getting on pretty well recently, since Carla’s words of wisdom, whatever they were.  But tonight, I took Betsy for dinner and she was so stroppy throughout.  My phone was pinging but I was ignoring it, making sure I focussed on her.  But it still pissed her off.  I still pissed her off.  Then Max barged into The Bistro, demanding that I do something about Joel and protect Lauren.  Apparently, he had been to the hospital and confronted her again and announced, in front of Betsy, that Frankie might die.  He’s been diagnosed with a bleed on the brain and needs surgery.  It’s terrifying.  He’s so small.  So vulnerable.  He shouldn’t be needing life saving operations.

 

Well, Betsy walked out before pudding.  It possibly didn’t help that when she said she had something to tell me, I jumped to the wrong conclusion that Mason had got her pregnant.  I don’t even know why I went there.  She told me only a few weeks ago that she hadn’t slept with anyone and Mason’s been locked up for most of that time.  She was horrified and I feel really guilty.  I’ve tried to talk to her about it since I’ve got home but she isn’t interested.  She’s being really sullen and quiet, worryingly so, actually.

 

I was about to leave when Carla popped in for a drink so I ended up staying for a bit.  It was nice to see her.  It’s becoming a bit of a habit.  I love finding things out about her.  I find her fascinating.  She told me that she was once married to Nick, who owns The Bistro, albeit very briefly.  She admitted that she cheated on him and it’s one of her biggest regrets in life.  She was quite clear that she’s a very different person now, although she also said that she’s planning on staying single for the foreseeable.  Did she say that because of what Betsy said?  Things are great between us but I still have that nagging doubt in my mind that perhaps she’s worried I’m after her.  I’m not.  I accept that I find her very attractive.  And I really like her as a person.  I think she’s amazing.  But I’d never make a play for her or anything.  For two reasons: she’s straight and I’m widowed.  I just hope she knows that and isn’t concerned or wary of me or anything.

 

Other than stressing and delighting over Carla in equal measure, my day was busy.  I asked Dee Dee about any parcels Joel might have had delivered to the flat.  She mentioned one, addressed to a supposed client.  He said he was helping a woman in an abusive relationship.  When I went to see her again later, I spotted The Bistro van, which has a dash cam.  I managed to get the footage from it and the parcel can be seen to be delivered on the day Dee Dee said.  From there, we were able to get the details and lo and behold, it tracked back to a clinic, who just so happen to provide the medication that induced Lauren’s labour.

 

I then hauled Joel in for questioning again.  I hate being in the same room as that man.  He makes my skin crawl.  He denied any knowledge of the parcel.  I informed him that Frankie was gravely ill, allowing me to potentially charge him with attempting to destroy and unborn baby.  If he dies, God forbid, it will be upgraded to murder.  All that, alongside abuse and assault of Lauren and Ellie.  I couldn’t hold him today but every day, I know I’m getting closer to bringing the bastard down.

 

I put my foot in it a bit with Dee Dee today when I noticed her wedding favours, which she had forgotten to cancel.  She’s a bit tricky, Dee Dee.  I like her and I’d love for us to become friends but there are times when she’s just a bit… spiky.  Same can be said about me, I suppose.  But I find her a little unpredictable.

 

Carla

 

18^th September 2024

10:03pm

 

I managed to win back the client who dumped us today.  It took a lot of work.  So, I was feeling pretty proud of myself and decided to treat myself to a nice glass of wine at The Bistro to celebrate.

 

Lisa was just about to leave when I arrived and happily, she stayed for a bit.  She was stressed because she’d had another row with Betsy, who had stormed off.  Honestly, I wish I could knock their heads together.  They clearly love each other but they fight so much.  Betsy is never happy with anything Lisa does and Lisa just takes so much shit from her.  But she is a good kid.  I know she is.  I’ve seen it.  I wish she’d allow herself to be.

 

It was nice to see Lisa though.  We had a good chat, a good laugh.  I admitted to my history with Nick, including my mistakes.  I don’t know what I was expecting exactly but she didn’t judge me.  Or didn’t show it.  I made it clear that I’m a very different person now.  I don’t know why it’s so important to me but I want her to think well of me.  Her opinion matters so much.

 

I love learning more about her.  She’s kind of cautious to reveal things.  But told me a bit about what made her want to become a police officer, how it’s all she’s ever wanted to do with her life.  She admitted that she’d never really planned on being a Mum and struggled a bit to start with.  Becky gave birth.  It was Becky who was desperate for them to have a child together.  Betsy was premature and Lisa really struggled mentally at the beginning.  She said she felt very overwhelmed and probably still does, now that Becky’s not here.  She thinks Becky was a more natural parent than she is.  I think she’s bloody hard on herself. 

 

I also think that she’d never be interested in me.  You know, if I was that way inclined.  Becky sounds absolutely perfect.  Good cop, good Mum, good wife.  They sound like they were very happy together.  No way would she be interested in me and all my damage.  I mean, not that I’d ever go there.  I’ve never so much as looked at a woman before.  I don’t know what it is about Lisa that’s making me so confused.  Maybe I’m just lonely and I desperately want a friend.  Maybe it’s the fact that she’s gay that’s confusing me, making me read more into our interactions than there is.  And Betsy’s comments haven’t helped.  That’s what’s set off all these misfires in my mind.  Am I actually going mad or what?

 

I came back to Ryan, who was moping a bit.  He was meant to be going on a date with Daisy today but she ditched him to look after Bertie instead.  He was quite put out.  I get it.  But then, she was Bertie’s stepmum for all intents and purposes for a long time.  She might have left the relationship but you can’t leave kids behind.  I’ll always be attached to Simon, for that reason.  I’ll always want to mother him, look out for him, feel protective of him.  Even though he’s a grown man now, living his best life on the sea with his Dad.

 

I actually haven’t thought of Peter in quite a while.  We’ve both signed the divorce papers so I’m just waiting to get those back, I guess.  Then it’ll be done.  Our whole relationship.  Over.  I’m sad but I’m glad too.  I want him to be free and happy and I want… happiness for myself as well.  I’m just a bit confused at the moment as to how I go about achieving it.

 

Carla

 

20^th September 2024

11:45pm

 

I feel like we had a real breakthrough with Betsy today.  I found her outside the factory, getting into a proper argument with Lauren and Max.  I sent Lauren and Max away and brought Betsy inside.  I was expecting her to give me her usual lip but she broke down in tears instead.  She was terrified.  She was sure that I and everyone else would hate her.  I feel so sorry for her.  She’s been carrying round this terrible guilt for weeks and had nobody to talk to, aside from this one mate who kept telling her to tell her Mum.

 

Joel paid Betsy to phone a clinic to get the medication that induced Lauren’s labour.  He lied to her, telling her it was to help a client of his.  Put pressure on her to do it.  Now she blames herself for the condition little Frankie’s in.  I felt so sorry for her.  All I could do was comfort her and reassure her that telling the truth had been the right thing to do.  That it wasn’t her fault; she hadn’t known what Joel was going to do.

 

I texted Lisa urgently, asking her to the factory.  Then I left the pair of them to it, so Betsy could tell her everything she’d told me.  Lisa was stressed when she arrived, harassed.  I imagine she assume Betsy had screwed up and I was calling to complain.  But when Betsy broke down, she went into full on Mum mode.  So gentle.  I didn’t stick around.  It was private.  But after a while, Lisa decided to take Betsy to the police station to make a statement.  Betsy was upset about having to do it but I completely get it.  Her statement could provide the evidence Lisa needs to get Joel charged.  I checked on them before they left, hugged Betsy and squeezed Lisa’s arm.  We’re not really at the hugging stage yet, although I wouldn’t mind.  For someone so small, she’s very strong, very capable.  I bet she’d give a lovely hug.  Make you feel all safe in her arms.  Anyway…!

 

After they’d been to the station for a while and Betsy had given her statement, as well as requested a recording of her phone call to the clinic, Lisa brought her back to the factory.  She privately asked me if I would just look after her until she got back, which of course, I was happy to do.  I sat her in my office, ignoring comments from the likes of Bobby and we just chatted.  She was very tearful.  Very guilty.

 

Lisa came back for her towards the end of the day.  She looked exhausted.  All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around both of them, protect them.  Thanks to Betsy coming forward, Joel has now been charged.  So, hopefully, Betsy can feel more positive about everything.  She made a mistake.  Of course she did.  But if it hadn’t been for that mistake, Joel might not have been caught.

 

She was full of apologies and so was Lisa.  She wouldn’t blame Betsy, only Joel – and herself.  Well, I agree with blaming Joel.  He’s a monster.  But not herself.  Lisa has given everything to this case.  As well as being a Mum.  And a good friend to me.  Betsy shouldn’t get into any trouble, she said.  Betsy was more concerned about Frankie.  When she asked, I saw Lisa panic.  I sort of shook my head, not because I know best but because I’d been with Betsy all day and I knew how she was feeling.  Lisa took my lead and reassured her that Frankie is in the best place and that seemed to calm her.

 

The rest of my day consisted of a big screw up with Kirk using the SatNav.  I thought buying one for the van would make things easier for him.  I’d missed the part where he’d struggle to put the correct address in!  Well, that was a headache to sort out.

 

Then I came home to Ryan, broken hearted on the sofa.  He and Daisy have split up.  I was surprised.  We’d only been talking this morning about them moving in together, or at least, that she was resistant to the idea because they also work together.  I was very well behaved this morning.  Kept my thoughts to myself.  He already knows exactly what I think of Daisy.  But I was ready to console him tonight.

 

He was actually the one who ended things.  He realised that Daisy isn’t in love with him, that they came together through trauma and she’s still not over Daniel.  I am half glad, because I never thought Daisy was good enough for him.  But I’m half sad too, because I know how upset he is.  He told me he wants to be with someone who wants to be with him just as much, who lights up when they see him.  I get it.  I want that too.  And I’m starting to think I know who I want it with.  I light up when I see Lisa and not to be arrogant, she seems to light up when she sees me.  There’s something between us.  I don’t exactly know what it is or what to do about it, if anything.  But she’s beautiful, inside and out.  I love spending time with her.  I love making her laugh.  I love hearing her joys and her woes.  I just… adore her.

 

Lisa

 

20^th September 2024

23:46

 

It has been a long day.  It was just a normal work day until I got an urgent call from Carla, asking me to the factory.  I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t what I got.

 

So, it turns out that Joel coerced Betsy into phoning the clinic and ordering the medication that brought on Lauren’s labour.  Of course he used someone to cover his tracks.  Of course it was a young, vulnerable girl.  My heart broke for her, as she sat there in one of the chairs in Carla’s office, sobbing.  She was wracked with guilt.  She still is.

 

I had no choice but to take her to the station so she could make a formal statement.  It was a crucial piece of evidence.  I couldn’t ignore it.  On our way out, Carla was so gentle with us both.  She’d vacated her own office to give us privacy.  She hugged Betsy and was so lovely with her, so encouraging.  I could have hugged her myself but we’ve never done that before.  Plus, when I touched her arm that time, Betsy freaked the fuck out so, a hug?  Not a great idea.  I would have loved it though.  I bet she gives great hugs.

 

Betsy was brilliant at the station.  She told us everything.  I also asked her to request a recording of her conversation with the clinic, which she did.  And that’s been the final nail in Joel’s coffin.  We’ve got him.

 

He was so cocky when we went to arrest him.  Accused me of fancying him, if you please!  Yeah.  Definitely not my type.  Even if he wasn’t a monster.  I prefer women with kind hearts and strong minds.  Beautiful brunettes, if possible.

 

But anyway…  In the interview, as much as Joel tried to lie his way through it, the recording cinched everything.  He could clearly be heard speaking in the background, telling Betsy what to say and the medication was sent to Joel and Dee Dee’s address.  He had this whole story cooked up about how Betsy was pregnant, told him she needed the medication for an abortion, as she couldn’y tell her Mum about it.  Me. Everything he said was designed to wind me up but I didn’t let him.

 

We had no choice but to bail him but he has officially been charged now.  I am absolutely delighted.  This case has been going on for such a long time, ever since Carla and Bobby walked into the station at the beginning of the year, demanding answers.  It has exhausted me, physically and emotionally but I feel like we’ve got a result now.

 

I went back to the factory.  Carla had been looking after Betsy all afternoon, literally keeping her in her office and keeping her company, keeping her calm.  She did such a good job with her.  I wonder why she never had kids.  She would have made a wonderful Mum.  She’s so caring.

 

I did everything I could to reassure Betsy and calm her guilt.  She asked me about Frankie and I didn’t know what to say.  I caught Carla’s expression and she guided me silently.  I’m really grateful.  The last thing I wanted was to fuck up right at the end and say the wrong thing.  I told Betsy that Frankie was in the right place and that seemed to be enough.  She even let me hug her, kiss her on the cheek.  That’s rare these days.  Very rare.

 

I need to make sure I say a proper thank you to Carla.  She was incredible today, to both of us.  I’m so grateful for the way she looked out for Betsy, took care of her.  She’s a beautiful soul.  It’s the second time she’s teamed up with me now and I don’t think I can really explain how much it means.  I always feel so alone.  I always feel like I’m failing.  I’ve been so lost without Becky.  These moments when Carla steps up, acts as my teammate, helps me like that…  It means everything.  She means everything.

 

I’m worried about how deeply I feel for her though.  I feel like I’m getting carried away with my feelings.  The kinder she is to me, the kinder she is to Betsy… it’s all just making me rely on her, feel desperate to be around her.  I can’t let this happen.  I can’t fall for Carla.  She’s straight.  And then there’s Becky and Betsy to consider.  But I just… adore her.

 

Next time... Mason is released, Joel disappears and Lisa has an accident...

Chapter 19: Vanished

Notes:

Thank you as always for your incredible feedback on this story. Every comment means so much to me. Just to say, that I have messed with the dates a little just for continuity (to account for when characters have referred to 'tomorrow' or it being a weekend the next day and yet they're in work etc.) so, although 'the moment' took place on 7th October, for the purpose of this story, it actually happens a few days later - in the next chapter. For now, I hope you enjoy the lead up to it, as Joel disappears and Swarla grow closer!

Also, this chapter has some references to suicide.

Carla

 

23^rd September 204

3:15pm

 

Poor Bethany has been rushed into hospital over in Turkey!  I was in The Rovers, getting some work done (I needed a bit of a change of scene) when Sarah rushed in, in a right state.  She got an urgent call from the hospital so she is desperately trying to get a flight over there with Daniel.  She has no idea what condition she is in or even if she is going to be okay.  She was out of her mind with worry.  The poor girl was only going over there to do some article on a clinic or something.  Debbie Webster set it up.  I really hope she’s okay.  Poor thing.

 

Sarah and I were only having a joke about the kids this morning.  After Ryan told me that he and Daisy split up because she is still in love with Daniel, it got me wondering if that might affect Daniel’s relationship with Bethany so I was having a bit of a nose, a bit of a gossip.  Sarah is certain that Daniel and Bethany are solid.  I feel a bit guilty for gossiping now.  Sarah mostly just teased me because I never ask about her kids and don’t even know her boy’s name, even though I’m his Godmother.  Henry?  I’m pretty sure it’s Henry.

 

Having said that, when Sarah was telling me about Bethany, Daisy stuck her nose into the conversation and mentioned that she was with Daniel earlier and he had a load of missed calls from Bethany that he ignored.  He had assumed she was ringing to tell him about her hotel room or something but it must have been the hospital contacting her next of kin, before they got hold of Sarah.  Makes you wonder what Daniel and Daisy were so investied in doing to make him not answer, doesn’t it…?

 

Harry!  His name is Harry!  So, I was pretty close with Henry, wasn’t I?  Ha!

 

I had a nice chat with Roy today.  Mostly, I was winding him up.  He was off to a train convention but he wanted to stop off at the hospital to check on Lauren first.  I called him last night to let him know that Joel had been charged.

 

Lisa was working in the café when I went in.  I didn’t speak to her much but I waved and we said hello.  She was busy working, getting the case against Joel all wrapped up ‘in a pretty little bow’, she said.  She’s so funny.  I like that she and Roy are more comfortable with each other now.  She is very brave, I think, attempting to forge a relationship with him and he is the kindest soul, willing to forgive and forget.  They’re both incredibly important to me.  I’ve told Roy that she’s become a close friend and he is supportive of that.  I think that’s one of the reasons why he’s trying with her and that means a lot.

 

Lisa

 

23^rd September 2024

18:00

 

I met up with Dee Dee this morning.  She wasn’t in a great mood.  I get it.  Everything with Joel is weighing heavily on her, especially as she is getting closer and closer to what would have been her wedding day.  She took a phone call from the jewellers and seriously yelled at them!

 

Carla popped in later.  I couldn’t help but listen in to her bantering with Roy.  She really cracks me up.  He doesn’t get her humour but that makes it all the funnier.  Their relationship is so lovely.  I still feel guilty whenever I am around him but I am trying.  Carla means so much to me and I know Roy means so much to her so I would like, if I can, to become friendly with him.  Make things up to him somehow.  If he’ll let me.  He’s certainly been kind enough to chat to me when I go into the café, exchange pleasantries.

 

Of course, no day is complete without some kind of Betsy related drama.  It turns out that Mason, who has been in custody for several weeks now for theft, isn’t responsible for stealing a customer’s purse at all.  It was bloody Betsy!  She took the purse and put it in the poor kid’s pocket.  She was pissed off with him for ending things between them, even though she claimed that she broke things off and immediately started dating Dylan, who she has now also broken up with.  Rebound. 

 

She thought he’d just get the sack, not end up with him in such a lot of trouble.  I suppose she hadn’t thought about the woman pressing charges or that he had a record already.  Hopefully she feels guilty, although I find it hard to tell sometimes.  I had to bring both her and Dylan in to make statements.  She’s mostly concerned about getting into trouble.  I don’t think there will be too many consequences but the main thing is that Mason isn’t going to continue to be punished for something he isn’t done.  

 

I’m not keen on him after what he did to Liam Connor.  That was bloody awful.  And the Radcliffe’s are a despicable family.  Mason is actually the best of them, if you can believe that!  But nobody deserves to be punished for a crime they haven’t committed.  That’s not justice.

 

Lisa

 

25^th September 2024

16:05

 

Mason was released today.  Anyone bright would have just avoided the area but he came straight back to Coronation Street and made a beeline for Dylan and Betsy.  I genuinely think he just wanted to talk but the kids (not Betsy) panicked and then Dylan and Liam’s parents completely overreacted, so I got called round in some kind of parents meeting.  I’m surprised there weren’t pitch forks being prepared.  They were so wound up.

 

I know what Mason did originally was awful.  Truly awful.  I can see the pain in Maria’s eyes.  If that had been Betsy…  I genuinely don’t know what I would have done.  My heart breaks for that poor kid every time I see him.  To be so young and get so low.  It’s devastating.  I just hope that he will be able to move on from it and heal.  He seems like such a nice boy.

 

But for now, Mason hasn’t actually done anything wrong.  In fact, he was wronged by Dylan and Betsy.  Mostly Betsy.  It was Dylan who eventually did the right thing by telling the truth.  So, he had every right to come back here and take the job Stu has offered him at Speed Daal and try to start his life over.  He’s a kid, essentially.  He’s served his time and needs to start his life over.  Do I particularly want him hanging around here?  No.  Do I want him hanging around Betsy?  Absolutely not!  Do I want him dating her?  Over my dead body.  But I don’t want him to pay for his past crimes forever.  That’s not fair.  So, unfortunately, everyone, including the adults, just need to grow up and move on.

 

When Mason approached the kids and the parents rushed out, Gary got aggressive with him.  I did speak to Mason but he doesn’t want to report him for assault.  I also advised Gary not to make any kind of suggestion of threats against him in front of me.  I was speaking to them as a parent, not as a DS and I didn’t want to have to take any of them in for questioning!

 

Carla

 

25^th September 2024

9:51pm

 

It’s been a really hectic day today.  I’ve only just got home.  Sarah had to fly to Turkey last minute because of poor Bethany, who is in intensive care.  Daniel is back already.  I’m not entirely sure what happened there but he flew out.  Then Sarah flew out.  Then Daniel flew straight back.  But Sarah is still out there and she’ll be out there for the foreseeable.  Bethany is in a really bad way.  I don’t know exactly what’s wrong but she’s really unwell and she’s needed lifesaving surgery, which I bet has cost a pretty penny.  I hope she took out decent travel insurance.  I’ve told Sarah to let me know if there is anything she needs me to do, anything I can help her with.

 

In the meantime, my workload has doubled.  Sarah had to leave a load a load of things unfinished, which obviously couldn’t be helped.  I have had to take over a load of her meetings and reschedule a load of others.  Yeah, things are going to be busy.  And I’m in bloody court in a couple of weeks.

 

Carla

 

27^th September 204

10:53pm

 

It’s been a really weird day.  So, Joel didn’t turn up at his plea hearing.  I guess he knew that he was likely to be remanded in custody, as the charges against him were so serious.  He then turned up drunk and ranting at the café.  He locked himself in with Roy and scared the shit out of him, as if that man needs any more trauma in his life.  He broke the phone, ranted and raved at him.  In the midst of it all, he kind of apologised, apparently.  But he was pretty much psychotic.  Roy felt sorry for him because well, he’s Roy.

 

I turned up in the middle of it all, confused because the lights were on but the door was locked.  I kept banging on the door and then Joel suddenly burst out and legged it down the street.  I nearly gave chase but then I was worried about Roy so I chose him instead.  I found him on the café floor and immediately phone Lisa, begged her to come.  To her credit, she came immediately.  She sent patrol cars out searching for Joel and she personally came to the café to check on Roy’s welfare – and mine. 

 

I just stood back and watched her in action, ordering her team to check the scene while she was in this caring, compassionate role, speaking so gently to Roy, making sure he didn’t feel he needed to go to hospital, taking him through the basics of what happened, not for police purposes, just because she cared.  She was so lovely with him.

 

Then she took me aside, put her hand on my arm, asking me if I was alright and not too shaken up, that Joel didn’t hurt me when he ran out.  I assured her I was fine, tried to make a joke out of it.  Actually, I did feel pretty shaky.  I wasn’t expecting it and I was worried about Roy.  He seemed to be getting back to normal since his trip to Cathy’s and this is the last thing he needs.  She said she was putting out every resource she could to find him and I told her I trusted her completely.  She seemed a bit taken aback by that but also quite pleased.  Then I asked her if she had time for a drink later and she said she’d make time.

 

So, I have just got in from having a drink with Lisa.  Just soft drinks because she thought she might do another drive around looking for Joel, just in case, as no patrols had found him.  She was so sweet and reassuring, trying to make sure I knew I was safe.  I dismissed my own fear but the truth is, I am a bit scared.  I know firsthand what dangerous men a capable of and Joel is a dangerous man.  So, when she insisted on walking me home, I accepted.  Is that silly?  Letting a five foot nothing woman walk me to my front door?  But she’s a copper.  And a tough one at that.  Something about her makes me feel safe.  Like she would protect me if I needed her to.  Hopefully I’ll never need her to.  She is lovely though.  I feel lucky to have her in my life.  I hope she’s not being silly tonight, driving round looking for Joel.  I did tell her to just go home.

 

Lisa

 

28^th September 2024

01:43

 

I am in fucking agony.  I can’t really write properly as I am in too much pain but on my way home from work, I saw/heard a woman being mugged.  It was just instinctive.  I chased the bloke down the road.  Tried to get the woman’s bag back but I wasn’t quick enough.  He jumped into a car.  I tried to stop them.  Even just to take their plate down.  Both of which I failed to do.  Then just went straight for me.  I went straight over the bonnet and off to the side.  I was in agony.  I’m still in agony.

 

I was lying there for ages.  It felt like hours.  It was probably only minutes.  The woman turned up.  Found me.  All I could say was that I was sorry I didn’t get her bag back.  She was just worried about the state I was in, insisted on taking me to hospital.  I didn’t want to go.  But I also couldn’t breathe.  I knew I’d cracked some ribs.  I agreed to let her drop me off.  Refused to let her stay, although she wanted to.

 

The hospital wanted to do scans and things but it was taking too long.  I just wanted to go home.  So I got a couple of prescriptions and discharged myself.  I got a cab home.  I’ll have to go and fetch my car in the morning.  My phone’s broken.  It smashed when I fell.  I’ll have to dig out Betsy’s old one in the meantime.  For now, I need to sleep.  I’m absolutely screwed.

 

Lisa

 

28^th September 2024

22:49

 

So, yesterday, Joel failed to turn up to his bail hearing.  I assume he panicked at the prospect of being held on remand, which, being a solicitor, he knew was the most likely outcome.  While I had the delightful job of having to tell Lauren and Max what had happened, Joel opted to get blind drunk and barge into Roy’s, smash up his phone and rant and rave at him, locking them in and threatening him.  Apparently, he threw in an apology amidst it all but Roy was no less shaken up.  Carla said that he’s only just started to settle again after everything so obviously this was the last thing he needed.  She was the one who essentially rescued Roy, as she was surprised to find the café closed up.  She kept knocking until Joel barged out, nearly knocking her over.

 

Carla called me urgently, telling me what happened.  I sent a mass load of patrols out and then came to the café to check on Roy – and Carla, making sure they were both okay.  I was worried about them both.  What was nice was that Carla could obviously see how stressed I was too, so she asked me if I had time for a drink that evening.  I said I would make time.  And I did.  What was also nice was that when I told her my plan to track Joel down, she told me she trusted me.  She said it so sincerely and it meant everything.  Even though I’ve essentially let her down now.

 

I worked my arse off all the rest of the day, desperately trying and failing to track Joel.  Warning Betsy not to leave the house, no matter what and if she saw or heard anything of Joel then she was to call me or 999 immediately.

 

I did manage to stop for a quick drink with Carla.  She was very patient with me for being a bit late.  I tried to reassure her that we’d catch Joel and she wasn’t to be scared.  She immediately denied being scared but it’s clearly a front.  I don’t know exactly what’s happened in Carla’s life but I can see trauma there.  I can see walls she’s built up to protect herself from bad things that have happened to her.  It makes me sad.  I hate the thought of people and things harming someone so special, so beautiful, so kind.  She deserves nothing less than wonderful.  Always.

 

I insisted on walking her home.  I didn’t think she’d let me but she did.  It was nice, actually.  Just walking, side by side to her flat.  We said goodbye kind of awkwardly and then I went off to my car.  I glanced up and saw she was watching me from the window so I gave a little wave.  She waved back, which was nice.  She’s just so nice.

 

Then I went back into DS Swain mode.  I was meant to go home.  I should have gone home.  I wish to God I’d gone home.  But I still felt so fired up about Joel.  I was so angry that he had evaded court.  That I’d had to ask Max to take Lauren in for the night, that she was now terrified all over again.  That he’d frightened Roy.  And especially that he had frightened Carla, even though she wouldn’t admit it.  I just kept picturing her across the table from me, insisting that she wasn’t scared, that she was more scared of what she would do to him if she came across him.  But I could see it behind her eyes, see that recollection of trauma, imagine what hell she has been through in the past.  Maybe one day we’ll be close enough friends for her to tell me.

 

So, I went back to work instead of going home to my daughter.  I drove around for a bit, looking for Joel, on my way back into the station.  Then I had a bit of a to do with Craig over Joel.  Then I went back out and looked for him again.

 

When I finally gave up, I was walking back to the car, talking to Betsy on the phone when the mugging and hit and run happened.  I was up pretty much all night, in agony.  I’m still in agony now and I am absolutely exhausted.  My whole body is black and blue.  I’ve thrown up multiple times, half from pain and half from medication.  I can barely even lift my arm.  Thankfully, nobody seems to have noticed.  I haven’t reported it and the woman doesn’t seem to have reported the mugging either.  I don’t want to be made to take time off work.  Also, how the hell could I ever explain any of this to Betsy after how Becky died?  She would never forgive me for putting myself in harm’s way like that.  Never.  Months, she spent, begging me not to go back to work.  I had to prise myself out of her grasp every morning when I went back.  And I know I went back too soon.  I know it hurt her.  I know it hurt our relationship.  I just couldn’t bear sitting around doing nothing but wallow in guilt and grief all day.  It was killing me.  Destroying me.  But if she knew the same thing had happened to me as happened to Bex, that I’d been run over, she’d lose her mind.  No.  She can never, ever know.  I just need to put up with the pain for as long as it takes.  Which might be a while looking at the extent of the damage.  Maybe I should have waited for that scan.

 

I booked a cab to pick up my car this morning and then drove into work.  I still wasn’t very with it by the time Dee Dee turned up in my office.  I was irritated with the phone situation.  She was eager to play me a voicemail from Joel, which sounded very much like a suicide note, which seemed to be confirmed later when his car was found abandoned with a written note inside it.

 

Kit and I drove out to the location of the car and put SOCO on the case, only for them to miss a second car, parked not far away, which had been sold recently to Joel or at least, a man matching his description.  So, while I’ve spent all day arguing with Dee Dee over whether the bloke killed himself or not (it looked to me like he had), it seems now like it could have been a set up all along, like she was insisting.  She swore blind that Joel was not the kind of bloke to jump out of a plane without a parachute.  He would always have a back up plan.  He’s too wily, too clever, too full of self preservation. 

 

Before we found the car, I had to go to the café to break the news to Dee Dee.  Carla was there with Roy.  Dee Dee refused to accept it.  Roy was sad Joel would never face justice while Carla was just glad he was gone.  I felt very attacked by Dee Dee so I made a hasty exit and nearly puked outside after trying to use the wrong arm to open the door.  Carla followed me, asking me if I was okay.  I was a bit short with her.  I told her she’s the only one who asks me if I’m okay.  She said she was sorry to hear that and asked me again, adding ‘officer’ to the question as a joke but it made me feel a bit… funny.  I ranted about Joel, how personal the case has become because of Betsy and Roy and Lauren.  I told her not to bother with me, she didn’t want to hear my problem.  She gave up on me in the end, as she should have done.  Everyone gives up on me in the end.

 

I had to go to the hospital to update Lauren, which wasn’t fun.  Of course, I could have sent someone to do it but this case is personal, as I told Carla.  I needed to do it myself.  She had tried to call me last night but obviously my phone had been broken by then so she couldn’t get through.  She’d heard a noise outside the Platt house and panicked that it was Joel, trying to get her.  Thankfully he was well away from the scene by then, either ending his life of pretending he had and Lauren had come to no harm.

 

Kit and I spent the afternoon working Joel’s flat as a crime scene.  We found the notepad that the suicide note was written on, proving that it was planned, not spontaneous.  Everything in the flat was meticulous too.  He was definitely not in some kind of frenzied state, suggested by his drunk and disorderly act at Roy’s.

 

At the end of my shift, I was in need of a big glass of wine, despite the advice on the painkillers I’d been necking all day so I called Carla and asked her if she was up for meeting.  She accepted immediately, which I was grateful for.  I apologised for being a bit snappy earlier and she said she understood I was under a lot of pressure but for the record, she did care if I was alright and she never wanted me to feel like I couldn’t share with her.  She said she cared about me a great deal that yes, I might be DS Swain but I was also Lisa and that I mustn’t lose sight of the need for friendship and compassion.  I thought I might actually cry just from her kindness.  I just about held it together though.

 

It wasn’t the easiest pub situation I’ve ever been in.  Carla bought us a bottle.  She had to pour because I was barely able to use my arm at all.  I managed to lift my glass easily enough though!    Kit was there, which I never enjoy.  Dee Dee was giving me evils and I’m still not that comfortable around Roy, as nice as he is.  Carla was feigning grumpiness because Dee Dee had managed to get Roy out, which evidently she never manages, despite their lengthy friendship.  I did enjoy her teasing and confusing him though.  She really is very funny.

 

When she saw that I was uncomfortable, she asked me if I’d like to go somewhere else.  For a moment, I was tempted.  We could have gone to The Bistro, where these other people weren’t.  Or maybe she would have invited me to her flat or something.  I’ve only ever been to her flat to arrest members of her family!  But I declined.  Decided to put up with my discomfort.  I focussed on Carla and enjoying her company.  And she really is lovely company.

 

During the evening, Kit took a phone call confirming that the other car had been sold to someone matching Joel’s description and a laptop had been found in it so it looks like Dee Dee was right.  It was a setup.  I am so angry and frustrated by this whole bloody case.  I just wanted to get some justice for Lauren but every day things get murkier and murkier.  And now I’m in so much pain, I can hardly even think straight.  I just hope I am over the worst of it soon.  I need to concentrate more than ever at work now.  And I’m already distracted at times, thinking about Carla.  She is so bloody beautiful.

 

Carla

 

28^th September 2024

11:13pm

 

I am worried about Lisa.  She hasn’t been right all day.  I know she is majorly stressed at the moment – who wouldn’t be? – but it feels like more than that.  I can’t quite put my finger on it though.  I did ask but she wouldn’t say.  She’s very private.  I understand that.  She’s been holding her life together with Sellotape for years.  I just worry about her.  I feel the need to try and protect her.  I want her to know she has someone she can rely on, fall on if she needs to.  I don’t think she’s had that for a good long while.

 

It started this morning, when she came to the café to tell Dee Dee (and me and Roy), that Joel’s car had been found and the police suspected that he had killed himself.  Dee Dee just wouldn’t accept it.  She still won’t.  She even went rogue and found a second car that the police had missed and suggested it’s a setup on Joel’s part to make the police look in the wrong direction so he can make his escape.

 

Roy is upset that Joel’s missed his chance to face justice and I’m… conflicted.  I’m glad he’s dead.  I’m glad he’s gone and he can’t hurt anyone else.  But mentions of suicide are immediately triggering for me. Obviously, there’s Aidan.  That’s a death I will never ever get over.  I will always feel guilt that I didn’t realise what was going on with him, how he was feeling, that he felt that ending his life was the only way out, especially after he saved my life so generously.  Now, I just have to do what I can to keep that kidney of his safe so that connection to him will always stay alive.  But then there are my own suicide attempts.  The times that I’ve not wanted to live anymore.  And that’s been more than once.  And I’ve meant them.  So, as glad as I am that Joel’s gone, the idea that he ended his own life, makes me feel conflicted and anxious.

 

Lisa left the café pretty quickly.  Dee Dee was being weirdly confrontational.  She has been recently.  I followed Lisa out and she just didn’t look right.  She even told me that I’m the only one who ever asks her if she’s alright.  That made me sad.  To only have your welfare checked on by one person?  Doesn’t she have anyone in her life that gives a shit about her?  Really?

 

She ranted about the case a bit.  About Betsy.  Her guilt over Roy.  The way Joel ran rings around her.  Then she dismissed me, thinking I didn’t want to hear about it.  I suggested she shouldn’t make assumptions.  Because the truth is, I do want to hear about it.  The truth is, I wanted to hear everything.  I want to be around her all the time, listen to her joys and her fears.  I care about her so much.  I want to know all there is to know about her.  But I can’t tell her that so, I dropped it.  I let her go. 

 

So, when she called me a bit later and asked me out for a drink, I was genuinely delighted.  She wasn’t the most comfortable she could have been – Kit, Dee Dee and Roy (of all people) were there.  Roy never comes out for a drink!  He always turns me down when I ask, so I don’t know why Dee Dee is so special.  But it made Lisa feel a bit pressured, which kind of defeated the object of all the Merlot she was downing.  She can put it away faster than me!  I offered to go somewhere else if she wanted.  I was going to suggest buying a bottle and just taking it to mine.  The boys were both out so we would have had the place to ourselves.  Maybe next time.

 

We did have a nice time in the end.  We had a good laugh.  I love her laugh.

 

Carla

 

7^th October 2024

6:59pm

 

It’s Paul’s funeral today.  I didn’t go.  I put my credit card behind the bar for the wake.  And I had considered attending that but I bumped into Lisa outside.  She’d been in briefly to pay her respects and give Kit a bit of moral support (which is good of her, as he’s a right bastard to her most of the time at work) but she said it had got really intense in there.  Billy had kicked off at Bernie and vice versa so she’d made a hasty exit.

 

We retreated to The Bistro and had a few drinks together there instead, decided to ‘hunker in our bunker’, as we put it.  It was lovely.  We just drank and chatted and had a laugh.  It was a lovely way to unwind.  She’s a lovely person to spend time with.  The more I learn about her, the more I like her.

 

We exchanged plenty of stories today.  She hates flying but loves holidays.  She’s big on activities on holiday so we’d irritate the hell out of each other, I think, as I love lying by the pool and reading my book.  She’s big on the gym and swimming and keeping fit.  I mean, she probably didn’t need to tell me that.  She’s so fit.  And I mean that in a strength sense, obviously.  She’d have to be someone who works out.  You know, because of her job.  Well, I can lie by the pool and watch her swim in it then.  Sorted!

 

She told me loads of funny and cute stories about when Betsy was young.  I enjoyed those.  It sounds like she and Becky were brilliant, loving parents together.  I get the impression that she doesn’t have a great relationship with her own parents, if any relationship at all.  She hasn’t really gone into it but it’s just the vibe I get.  I’ll wait until she’s ready to tell me about it.  Young Betsy sounds adorable though.  She even showed me some photos on her phone.  I saw some very sweet, happy photos of the three of them as a family.  I feel so sad for her for everything she’s been through, all that loss.  I don’t know how she’s still standing.

 

I felt genuinely able to open up to her about stuff.  I told her all about my childhood, my Mum and even about Rob being in prison.  She was so genuinely caring and supportive.  Non-judgemental, which was pretty good of her, considering her job.  It’s not that I think she’d reject me.  She’s too kind for that.  But I don’t want her to… look at me differently?  At the moment, she thinks I’m successful and capable (I hope).  I don’t really want her to know what a bloody mess I came from.

 

I just… want her to like me.

 

I am really enjoying this time with her.  We even took a selfie together.  That was fun!  I can’t wait to see her again.

 

Lisa

 

7^th October 2024

20:02

 

It was Kit’s brother, Paul’s funeral today.  The staff at the station put together a whip round for his MND group so I gave that to Kit in the morning.  I did pop my head into the wake, to show my support but I only stayed a few minutes.  It was seriously intense.  Everything started kicking off between Billy (Paul’s husband), Bernie and Kit and it was deeply uncomfortable.  Plus, I don’t think I was ready to connect with that kind of grief yet.  I know it’s been nearly three years but it still hurts so deeply, knowing that Becky has gone and she’s not coming back.  Even having feelings for someone else, albeit the unrequited kind, hasn’t helped.  Even if it has helped me get off to sleep a few times.

 

Speaking of…  When I left the wake, I bumped right into Carla.  We ended up bundling ourselves off to The Bistro and had a lovely afternoon.  We ‘hunkered in our bunker’ and I really enjoyed myself.  It was nice to switch off after all this Joel stuff for the first time in a long time.  We just tidied ourselves away in a corner where nobody bothered us except to top up our drinks.  We chatted and laughed and it was so… comfortable.  Happy.

 

I felt safe enough to share lots about myself.  My life with Becky.  Plenty about Betsy – even photos of when she was little, which she seemed to enjoy.  I like how interested she always seems, how engaged.  We even took a little selfie, the two of us.  Our first photo together, two mates, hanging out in a bar.  I have an actual photo with The Carla Connor.  I don’t even remember the last time I took a silly selfie with a friend.  It made me feel very special, that she would want to do that with me.

 

She told me more about her own life too, genuinely personal things about her childhood and family and how difficult it was.  She mixed it in with praise for what an amazing Mum she thought I was and how lucky she thought Betsy was.  She told me how she came to be in charge of Underworld, through her first husband.  That she had briefly left Weatherfield and lived away in Devon for a year, started again after the breakdown of her relationship with Nick Tilsley.  I still cannot fathom how a man as boring as Nick managed to bag Carla Connor but whatever.  Maybe he was more interesting then?  But she moved away until one Christmas, her brother Aidan begged her to come back and help out financially with the factory.  She moved back permanently and they worked together again until he died.  She didn’t elaborate over how he died and I didn’t push.  But I hope I was enough support to her.  I will just continue to be a friend for as long as she’ll have me.

 

Next time... Carla faces court, Carla and Lisa share a moment and Ryan suspects there's something going on...

Chapter 20: A Moment

Notes:

Thank you everyone for all your amazing comments on this story - and everyone who has chatted about it on Twitter. So grateful. The Moment has finally arrived! Really hope I've done it justice! So nervous!

Lisa

 

8^th October 2024

14:03

 

I think I’ve done something wrong.  I don’t know what it is but I’m confident that at some point yesterday, when I thought Carla and I were having a lovely time, I fucked up.  I must have said or done something that made her uncomfortable.  I must have done.  I feel like such a fucking idiot.  There I was laughing and lapping up her company, all ‘let’s take a selfie’ (or was that her idea?  I can’t remember) and she was probably trying to figure out how to get as far away from me as possible.

 

What the fuck did I do?  Did I look at her too long?  Did I touch her?  I don’t know.  I mean, we had a couple of bottles of wine but I wasn’t drunk.  We ate together.  What did I say wrong?  What did I do?

 

Ugh, I knew this was going to happen.  I knew it.  I knew it was too good to be true.  That someone like Carla would actually want to be my friend.  Of course she wouldn’t.  It was good of her, really, to hang on after Betsy embarrassed me.  Not to run for the hills.  She probably wanted to.  Probably didn’t want to hang out with me at all, worrying that I was lusting after her.  And now she’s seen something.  She must have done.  I thought I was hiding it.  My feelings.  I really thought I was.

 

Carla

 

8^th October 2024

2:15pm

 

I’ve been really rude to Lisa just now and I feel terrible about it.  She only came over to check on me because Ryan mentioned to her how stressed I’ve been today.  Because she’s kind.  Because she’s the sweetest person in the whole bloody world.  And I snapped at her to go away and leave me alone and pretty much slammed the door in her face.  I didn’t even buzz her up.  I went downstairs to bark at her and get her out of my face.  I mean.  Harsh?  Yeah.  Fucking harsh.

 

All I can see is her face now.  She looked absolutely stricken.  I nearly chased her down the street, dragged her into the flat for a cuddle and a thousand apologies.  I would so love a cuddle right about now.  From her.  From Lisa.  And I probably could have had one as well.  But I sent her away because I’m sad and stubborn and ashamed.

 

My divorce papers came through this morning.  I was expecting them.  Waiting for them, in fact.  I didn’t even open them.  I knew what they were.  I just left for work.  Tried to ignore them.  Only to come in to Kirk banging on about this singles night he’s organising – and had the audacity to invite me to!  As if!  I’m not that desperate!  If I was to start dating again, it would be… well, it’s complicated.

 

Ryan brought me the papers from home.  He thought they were documents for court tomorrow.  He was being kind.  He was being helpful.  He was misguided.  Between that and Kirk, I just lost it and decided to work from home.  I spent the whole day pissed off.  Bernie has organised a fucking rave on the Street to honour Paul.  Which obviously I wouldn’t object to on a normal day but it’s Monday and I’m working and I’m pissed on and it’s LOUD.  I can hardly concentrate on anything.  All I want to do is jack my paperwork in and open a bottle of wine.  I can’t stop staring at the divorce papers, declaring my utter failure as a wife, as a woman, in black and white.  I mean, how many times have I actually failed now?  How many times has a man rejected me? Decided I’m not good enough?  Decided I’m not worth sticking around for?  Too many times.  No.  I’m never dating again.  It’s not worth it.  You get the flattery, the fun at the beginning and then it’s just… sad.  They move onto someone else and I’m left.  Alone.  Always alone.  Because that’s the thing.  Nobody picks me.  Not long term.  Not forever.  Nobody ever stays.

 

So, I’ve been sat here for hours.  Maudlin.  Lisa came to see me and I chased her away.  Mostly out of shame and embarrassment.  How could I actually tell her what was wrong?  Hey, Lisa, you know you’re grieving your dead wife?  The woman who actually picked you?  The woman you were meant to spend the rest of your life with?  Your soulmate?  Well, I’m sat here miserable because I just got my divorce papers through and that was a choice we both made.  But yeah, it’s totally the same thing.  Feel sorry for me.  Give me a hug.  Because also, I kind of fancy you and keep imagining what it would be like to snuggle up against your tits.

 

Shit.  I haven’t even started drinking yet.

 

Lisa

 

8^th October 2024

19:08

 

I should probably explain my earlier misery.  So, my day started kind of strange.  I had a very weird conversation with Ryan and Kirk, in which the latter either invited me to a singles night or asked me out.  Not entirely sure which.  Either way, it’s a firm ‘no’.  Ryan mentioned that Carla is really stressed at the moment.  He thought it was related to tomorrow’s hearing for her ABH charge.  I reassured him that it was likely to be community service and a fine, not custodial, as she is pleading guilty but I decided to go and see her on my break.

 

That’s when she pretty much slammed the door in my face.  She didn’t even buzz me up or not let me in.  She came downstairs, furious for the intrusion and told me to go away and leave her alone.  We’d had such a laugh yesterday, or I thought we had.  I didn’t think she’d mind me just knocking.  Obviously, she did.  She’s never been like that with me.  Never been so harsh.  Not since we became friends.  She’s always been so kind.  She’s always been the person who’s made me feel safe and calm.  And now I just feel… shit.  I tried to be sort of nonchalant about it when I spoke to Ryan but I feel hurt.  Scared.  Lonely.  I’ve come to rely on Carla.  And now I’ve fucked it all up.  Well done, Swain.  Well done.

 

In other news, I practically had to separate Dee Dee and Joel’s Dad at the station today.  She still firmly believes that Joel is alive and his Dad helped him fake his suicide and help him escape.  She even tried to get me to have him followed.  Well, no, I will not have a grieving father followed.

 

Carla

 

9^th October 2024

11:59pm

 

Okay, so, there has been a development.

 

I don’t exactly know how to explain it so I’ll go from the beginning.  I was a little bit hungover this morning, which probably wasn’t the best way to go to court.  After I snapped at Lisa, I went out and got wine.  And I drank it.  I told Ryan the truth about the divorce papers.  He empathised but he doesn’t completely understand.  I don’t want to be with Peter anymore.  I haven’t wanted to be with him for a long time.  And after tonight, I know that for absolute certain.  But the divorce has just made me feel sad.  It’s made me feel like a failure.  Especially knowing that he’s off living his best life and that he moved on without giving me a moment’s thought.  And it’s not that I didn’t want him to move on and be happy.  That’s why I booked him the ticket.  It’s just that it’s hard being here, being hollow, being alone.

 

So yeah, this morning, I was hungover and tired.  Ryan and I were sniping at each other in the café (or, I was sniping at him) about how to get to court.  I mean, he was being kind enough to go with me in the first place.  I wanted to drive.  He thought we should get a taxi.  I accused him of thinking I’d get locked up.  He said it was because parking round the courthouse is a nightmare.  We were squabbling when Lisa interjected, explaining that they would probably sentence today, assuming I was still pleading guilty.  It was my moment to apologise for yesterday.  Because I’d been up half the night, feeling guilty, drafting apology texts until it was way too late to send them.  But when she mentioned showing remorse, I just bit her head off, claiming I didn’t feel any but that I’d lie.

 

And it was stupid because I do feel bad for what happened.  I was honest when she interviewed me.  And I need her to know that.  I need her to know that that was the real me, not the bitch she met this morning.  She looked so taken aback by my bad attitude and backed off.  I wanted to apologise, take it all back but I couldn’t.  I just ended up snapping at Sally, who was wittering on about her wedding anniversary and then storming off to get a cab, leaving poor Ryan to apologise to everyone I came into contact with.

 

Court was actually fine.  I mean, like I said to Lisa at the police station – not my first rodeo.  I explained myself, pled guilty, showed lots of remorse and I was slapped with a fine and a community order for the next month.  I mean, I’m not thrilled but it’s better than prison.  And I did hurt someone.  I do deserve to be punished.  What I didn’t deserve was what happened this afternoon.

 

So, I was waiting for Ryan to finish in the loo and I was just checking my messages.  Of course, everything had kicked off at work.  I hadn’t told anyone, for obvious reasons, that I was in court.  I had a panicked phone call from Sally about an unexpected client turning up, looking for Sarah, who’s still in Turkey and so needed to see me.  Then bloody Betsy piped up in the background, announcing to the whole fucking world that I was in court for ABH!  The client heard and left.  We’ve lost her now.  The whole staff found out.  I could have killed her.  But I probably wouldn’t get off with a fine and community order then, I suppose.  And you know, there’s Lisa.

 

Unfortunately, the bloke in the waiting area at court, heard me complaining to Ryan about having to pay money over to the kid, Travis.  And the bloke turned out to be Travis’s Dad, Tom.  He was livid and laid into me for pretending to regret my actions.  That only riled me up and we got into a row before Ryan pulled me away and into a taxi.

 

I thought that was the end of it.  I went to work, fired Betsy and sent everyone home, apart from Sally who point blank refused to leave.  By me asking her to hold the fort while I was at my ‘meeting’, she had essentially appointed herself assistant manager and taken the role annoyingly seriously.  And then left about two minutes before I actually needed her.  We both hung around all day, waiting for an order that never materialised.  I told her to get off to get ready for her date night with Tim while I tried and failed to contact our lost client.

 

Then Tom turned up.

 

He cornered me in my office, shouting about his boy, accusing me of attempted murder.  He showed me photos of his injuries.  He was raging.  I was terrified.  Panicked.  I didn’t know what to do.  I’ve been in positions like that before, overpowered by angry men who have wanted to hurt me.  Who have hurt me.

 

I tried to run but he threw me onto a chair.  I think he would have hurt me.  He was angry enough.  He might have even killed me.  All I kept thinking about was that my last day on earth was spent being an absolute bitch to everyone.  Betsy.  Lisa.  Sally.  Ryan.  All my staff.  That they’d find me in the morning and think, well, she was a cow anyway.  She probably did something to piss him off.  Never mind.

 

But then she was there.  Like this blonde, fierce angel.  Shouting orders to her team (who turned out not to even be there), yanking him off me and throwing him against the wall.  She wasn’t even working.  She was half his size.  But he didn’t stand a bloody chance against her.  She told me to wait outside the room.  I did.  I could barely stand.  I could barely breathe.  But I watched her.  Arresting him.  Controlling the whole situation.  She was amazing.  She was so fucking hot.  Is that me now?  Is that what I think of her?  That’s she hot?  I mean… yeah.  I think it is.

 

She left him in the office and checked on me.  She called for actual backup, who arrived pretty quickly.  Tom was taken into custody.  Lisa was amazing.  She stayed with me the whole time, reassuring me, making sure I felt safe.  And I did feel safe.  From the moment she was there, I felt safe.

 

Once we were outside, she left me with Ryan to give my statement to one of her colleagues.  I was bereft when she left.  I saw her consulting with some of her colleagues, explaining what happened and then she just… disappeared.  I missed her.  I wanted her to stay with me.  But she just vanished.  So, I was thrilled when she came round later to check on me.

 

I’d already opened a bottle of wine.  Ryan fussing over me and refusing to go to work was already doing my head in.  And I was more shaken up than I liked to admit.  But once Lisa was there, I was able to send him packing and invite her to stay.  I wasn’t sure if she would but I was glad she did.  I made sure I thanked her for everything she’d done and apologised for being a cow.  I took responsibility for what happened with Betsy and assured her that she had her job back.  It wasn’t her fault.  I was just taking things out on her, like I was taking everything out on everyone today.  And yesterday.

 

And we had the loveliest evening.  I complimented her for her bravery.  I opened up to her about the divorce and why it made me shut her out.  She was so beautiful to me, reassuring me that what happened with Tom wasn’t my fault.  She has no idea what that meant.  I felt her words reverberating through my entire history, through every moment of violence that’s been inflicted on me that I’ve blamed myself for.  I even got a compliment out of her – she was surprised I’m nearly fifty and disputed my description of being ‘washed up’.  I’ll take that.  I’ll take anything from her.  We also spent a fair bit of time debating the pronunciation of ‘tofu’.  She says it wrong.  It’s ‘toffu’.

 

I dared to ask her about her own life.  She says she hasn’t dated anyone since Becky, not even casually, for a bit of attention.  She told me she’d be hopeless at casual.  I can see that.  She strikes me as the kind of person who, when she loves, she loves completely.  I reckon Becky was very lucky to be loved by Lisa.  I can imagine their happy life together.  I bet Lisa was the type to bring home flowers and little presents.  I bet she was always there with compliments and affection.  I bet it was beautiful.  It’s so sad what happened to them.  It’s so sad that Lisa’s closed her whole life off to love.  She said she doesn’t need ‘complications’, that her life now is just work and Betsy.  She claimed she doesn’t miss being close to someone but I could see it in her eyes. That pain.  That grief.  She does miss it.  Of course she does.

 

We talked more about what happened today, which led onto a conversation that broke my heart.  I asked her if she’d been scared.  She told me that she doesn’t think, if something bad happened to her, it would be the worst thing in the world.  It’s not like an active thought of suicide.  She says it’s not that well thought out.  It’s just so hard for her to make herself get up and out of bed in the morning, to face the day.  She says she would never do anything to herself, never do that to Betsy.  But when she goes into a dangerous situation, it’s there, that nagging thought in the back of her mind – if something bad happened to her, would it be the worst thing?

 

Well, the answer is yes.  It would be.  I couldn’t be so blunt as to say that.  Not yet.  She’s fragile.  She’s shown me tonight just how fragile she is.  But, yes.  It would be the worst thing.  I have no idea how I could live without her and really, we’ve only been friends for a short time.  She already means the world to me.  She’s beautiful, kind, brave, funny, clever…  She makes more of a contribution to this world that she understands.

 

She asked me if I thought she was a bad person – because of what she’d confessed.  I told her I thought she sounded lonely.  I felt bad for saying it but it’s the truth.  She was tearful by that point and I think she was embarrassed about it.  She blamed too much ‘truth drug’ and decided to get off home.  She told me she’d missed our chats when I’d been ‘protecting her in my own way’.  See?  She’s just so much kinder than me.  I was being a cow.  I hurt her.  I shut her out.  I was rude to her.  I was horrible.  And she still found a way to be nice to me about it.

 

And that’s when it happened.  I hugged her goodbye.  We’ve never hugged before but I felt like she needed it. She was tearful and we’d shared such a lot.  Plus I was still fragile after what had happened with Tom, the hearing and the divorce.  I’ve wanted to hug her for weeks and it was finally an opportunity to just go for it without it being weird.  It was just natural, normal, to draw her into my arms.  And she fit so perfectly.  And she smelled so good.  Gorgeous perfume.  Gorgeous shampoo.  Just… Lisa.

 

We stayed there, standing in the middle of the room for ages, just… holding each other.  She admitted that she does miss attention.  She told me I’m good to her.  I could feel her hands on my back, my shoulders.  My hands just wouldn’t stay still.  They found their way into her hair.  It’s so soft.  One minute we were hugging, the next we were just holding each other, gazing into each other’s eyes.  She has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.  I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest.

 

I told her not to put herself in harm’s way, not just for Betsy’s sake.  And I meant it.  She needs to stay safe for herself.  She needs to live for herself.  She needs to learn to be happy.  And also… for me.  Because I can’t live without her now.  I just can’t.  She’s too precious to me.  The highlight of my day is when she pops into my office or we arrange to go to The Rovers for a chat.  And then tonight… standing there with her in my arms like that, stroking her hair, gazing into those gorgeous eyes of hers…

 

And then she was gone.  Before I’d even registered what was happening, she was gone.  She just vanished.  I nearly chased her out of the flat.  I was so desperate for her to stay.  Because there was a moment.  There was definitely a moment.  We were gazing at each other.  I am so sure she was about to lean in.  And I… I would have met her halfway.  I would have kissed her.  I know I would have kissed her.  I can hardly stop thinking about her lips.  How close they were to mine.  How close we came.

 

Now, I have no idea how she’s feeling or what she’s thinking.  Is she upset with me?  Does she wish we had kissed?  Am I one of those complications she was talking about not wanting in her life?  I mean, she hasn’t been with anyone for what, three years?  Why would she take a chance on someone like me?  Do I want her to?  I don’t know.  All I know is these feeling I have are becoming overwhelming.  I think about her all the time.  And I really, really wish I knew what it was like to kiss her.

 

Lisa

 

10^th October 2024

00:52

 

I nearly kissed Carla.  I actually nearly kissed Carla.  And think… I think she might have kissed me back.  If I’d have gone for it.  I nearly did.  Just a for a second, for a moment, I almost leaned in.  She was just there, holding me, stroking my hair, looking at me, so open hearted.  I was just lost.  In her.  Her eyes, her mouth, her words, he face, her scent… her.  Why does she have to be so beautiful?  And not just physically beautiful but her soul?  Her actual soul.

 

She was in court today.  I saw her squabbling with Ryan in the café before they left.  She snapped at me.  It hurt.  Especially after yesterday.  I was still stressing out over that.  Still panicking that she didn’t like me anymore, that I’d done something wrong.  So, when she snapped at me, it just confirmed my fears.

 

My day got worse when, on my day off, I was called into work.  They’d found messages sent between Joel and Betsy – Joel threatening her on the day I interviewed him about the drugs – threatening to kill her.  She never told me.  Kit reported it to Costello before he even contacted me and I’ve now been taken off the case completely because he thinks I’m too close, too emotional.  Losing my cool didn’t help.  And just to piss me off more, he’s put Kit in charge.  He’s not even fucking qualified to lead an investigation this big!  It’s insanity!

 

I went to pick Betsy up from work, only to find her outside.  She’d been fired.  We fell out because I assumed that it was her fault.  Actually, Carla confirmed that it wasn’t and she’s already given Betsy her job back.  I’ll tell her in the morning.  She was already in bed when I got back tonight and I am not in the mood for teenage sarcasm.  My head is reeling.  I’m not sure it’s even going to stop.

 

I went into Underworld anyway, to ask Carla what had happened with Betsy, only to overhear her being confronted by some bloke, who turned out to be Tom, the Dad of the lad she knocked off his bike.  I hated how terrified she sounded, as she tried to reason with him.  It was a tone of voice that I’ve never heard from her before.  She’s always been bold, so strong.  But she sounded so frightened.  I launched immediately into DS Swain.  I pretended I had backup, that I was on duty.  I had him up against the wall before he knew was happening, sending Carla to safety.  It nearly broke more of my ribs doing it but I made sure Carla didn’t notice that I was in agony.

 

I arrested him, called for actual backup and made sure Carla was okay.  She wasn’t okay.  She was terrified.  I stayed with her the whole time, until my colleagues arrived to take her statement and Ryan turned up to support her.  I gave my own account of what had happened and then left them to it.  She’d been grateful but I was still feeling uncertain, after how snappy she’d been with me in the morning and the day before.  I was still worried that she knew I had feelings for her and that was why she was rejecting me.  So I disappeared and left her alone, like she’d made it clear she wanted me to do.

 

Then I got over myself.  She’d been through a horrific trauma.  I could still hear in my head how scared she’d sounded.  So, I decided to risk it one more time and I went round to see her.  Ryan left us to it and we sank a few bottles of wine together.  And… it was… perfect.  Every evening I spend with her is so perfect.  She is so perfect.

 

She was full of gratitude for my help.  And apologies for how she has been with me for the last couple of days.  It turns out that I hadn’t done anything wrong.  It was nothing to do with me.  I hadn’t fucked up or let my feelings show, repulsed or disgusted her or any of the things I was terrified of.  She’d got her divorce papers through.  She told me how she was feeling really openly tonight.  She says she doesn’t regret it, doesn’t want to be with Peter anymore.  But it’s made her feel sad.  It’s the end of a long chapter of her life.  The reason she shut me out was because she felt like her grief was inferior to mine and she didn’t want to complain about it.  It’s kind of sweet, really.  She actually described herself as washed up and nearly fifty!  And she didn’t seem to mind when I objected to the description and was surprised she was nearly fifty.  She even fished for more compliments.

 

We had such a lovely evening.  We talked about everything.  She told me I was brave.  I reassured her that what happened today wasn’t her fault, which she really seemed to take to heart.  She wanted to know about my love life since Becky.  I confirmed that there has been nothing.  I didn’t tell her I haven’t even been able to touch myself, let alone anyone else.  You know, until the other day.  She told me a little bit about ‘risky’ side, which I found kind of intriguing.  We debated the pronunciation of ‘tofu’.  She’s wrong.  It’s literally ‘tofu’.  She admitted that she’d been scared Tom was going to kill her.  And that led me onto crying and admitting that… ugh, I shouldn’t even write it down.  I mean, I’ve written it before.  It doesn’t matter, I guess.

 

I used to get scared going into situations like today.  I used to fear not going home to my wife and daughter.  Now, every day, it’s such a struggle to get up and out of bed in the morning.  It’s such a struggle just to get through the day.  Perhaps that’s why Carla has brought such a joy to my life.  She makes me smile.  She makes me laugh.  She’s always there like a little cheerleader, telling me how great I am, how well I’m doing, when everyone else in my life, including Betsy, just tell me I’m shit all the time. 

 

But when I go into a dangerous situation now, I don’t get that fear.  I’m not charging in, hoping to die.  Of course I’m not.  Betsy’s already lost one parent, her favourite parent, in fact.  I don’t want her to lose another, even if it is one she can’t stand.  But when I charge into danger, it’s not scary because I just think, well, if it goes south, does it matter?  Would it be the worst thing if my world just… ended?  If the pain just… ended?  If my suffering just… ended?  Would it be the worst thing in the world?  Betsy would be affected.  Of course she would.  She’d have to move house, change schools, go and live with my sister.  But it wouldn’t be the same as when she lost Bex.  She’d cope.  She’d cope better.  And nobody else would miss me.  Nobody else would miss me.

 

Carla was… stunned by what I’d said.  And that’s when I knew it was time to leave.  I was tearful.  She told me I sounded lonely.  I am lonely.  I’ve been lonely for a long time.  I tried to wrap it up with some line about being unprofessional and that’s when it happened.  She pulled me into her arms and I just melted.  It’s been three years since someone held me like that.  I’ve had the odd hug from Betsy.  Not many.  And always brief.  The last time someone held me, actually held me, was Becky.  And she died three years ago.  Three long years ago.  Being in Carla’s arms felt like heaven.  She smelled so good and her arms felt so safe.  I just wanted to stay there forever. 

 

I could feel her hands on me and my hands on her.  Pressing us together.  I admitted, having previously denied it, that I did miss attention.  And I told her that she was good to me.  Because she is.  She’s so good to me.  She’s always there for me.  Always so kind.

 

I honestly don’t know how long we were stood there in her flat together, just gazing into each other’s eyes.  It was so… intimate.  She was stroking my hair, looking into my eyes.  I was looking right back at her.  I couldn’t tear myself away.  She asked me not to put myself in harm’s way, not just for Betsy’s sake.  And the moment just lingered, growing bigger and bigger between us.  She was there, holding me, playing with my hair, so beautiful, so perfect.  And I just… wanted to kiss her.  So much.  It took everything I had to pull away.  To break contact and leave.  I practically ran down the stairs and booked a cab home.  I’d had way too much wine to drive.

 

I heard her calling after me but I ignored her.  I don’t know where she stands with me now or what she’s thinking.  I don’t know, if I’d tried to kiss her, if she would have rejected me or kissed me back.  And I don’t know, if we had kissed, how I would have felt about that.  I mean, she’s straight.  I need to remember that she’s straight.  So, anything that happened between us could never be real.  Carla could never have feelings for me.  She could never fancy me.  But I felt like… when I nearly leant in… she nearly did too.  So… is she just playing with me?  I don’t understand.  I don’t understand what’s going on.  Why would a straight woman hold a gay woman in her arms like that?  Stroke her hair like that?  Look at her like that?  We could have kissed.  I wanted to, so much.  Why would she do that?  After I all shared about Becky and how things have been for me.  How loyal I’ve been.

 

Ugh.  Becky, I’m so sorry.  This was all a terrible mistake.  I’ve been loyal to you all this time.  I’ve not so much as looked at anyone else and then Carla comes charging into my life and I don’t even know which way is up.  I’d not so much as touched myself until she came along.  And now I’ve nearly thrown everything away for a stupid kiss that wouldn’t have even meant anything.  I’m such an idiot.

 

Lisa

 

10^th October 2024

19:43

 

Yeah, it’s been a day.  My head is all over the place.  Not to mention my heart.  I hardly slept last night and I feel like I’m not going to catch up tonight.  All I can think about is Carla.

 

I told Betsy that I’d spoken to Carla last night and that she had reinstated her.  She tried to be cool about it but she was clearly delighted.  I think she was really upset about getting sacked yesterday, especially, as she didn’t actually do anything wrong this time.  It was an accident and Carla took her temper out on her.

 

I bumped into Ryan in the café this morning and he must think I’m a right weirdo now.  I asked after Carla and then I asked him not to tell her that I’d asked after her.  I was so flustered that I left without my coffee.  The poor bloke chased me halfway down the street to bring it to me.  I’ve just never been in this kind of situation before.  I suppose it’s not your average situation.  Widowed in your forties, celibate and shut down and then you ‘catch feelings’, as Betsy’s always so fond of saying, for your straight best friend.  Because Carla is my best friend.  Even if right now, we can’t be in the same room as each other.

 

I tried to keep busy at work but my head definitely wasn’t in the game.  All I could think about was Carla.  About her hands, her lips, her eyes.  About what it would have been like to kiss her.  About why she was like that with me last night when she’s meant to be straight.  I just don’t get it.  She’s so kind.  I don’t think she’d play with me and my feelings.  But then we’d drunk quite a lot of wine.  And maybe she didn’t know about my feelings, just thought we were messing around.  But it didn’t feel like messing around.  It felt serious.  Honest. But she can’t have been being honest, can she?  She’s straight!

 

Well, I was stressing over it all, trying to distract myself, when she was suddenly at work.  Waiting in reception for me.  I wasn’t ready to speak to her.  I tried to brush her off but she was persistent.  I knew she’d literally sit there all day if I tried to ignore her so I took her into a room.  She accused me of avoiding her.  Ugh.  It was all so bloody awkward.  And I was mean.  I know I was mean.  I feel so bad about it all now.  I was so anxious, so defensive and I took it all out on her.  I accused her of being a tourist (her words, not mine) and dismissed what happened between us.  We had a moment and now that moment’s gone.  I even called her a straight bird.  Yeah, I was really mean. 

 

I keep picturing her sitting there, anxious and stuttering.  She said that ‘tourist’ pays us both a disservice, kept telling me how much my friendship means to her.  And that meant a lot to me so I did cave.  How could I not cave?  She was sat there, so beautiful, so vulnerable, begging to be my friend.  Carla Connor begging to be MY friend.  Nobody begs to be my friend.  Especially not someone as incredible as her.  I mean, as if.  As if.

 

We agreed to draw a line under everything and continue as friends.  We opted not to hug.  She walked out the wrong way, which was adorable and I had to redirect her.  She is actually adorable.  I so wanted to hug her.  I wanted to hold her in my arms again like last night.  But I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself a second time.  No chance.

 

I picked Betsy up from college and took her for dinner in The Rovers.  Carla was there with Ryan.  If I’d had any hope that we could slip back into our old friendship, I was sadly mistaken.  It was beyond awkward.  Thankfully, Betsy was oblivious.  She was so elated that Carla has reinstated her that she wanted me to buy Carla a drink (which I would have done) and start wittering on about gratitude journals.  Honestly, Carla nearly fell over herself getting out of there.  Getting away from me.  I felt like she’d ripped my heart out on the way.  Can she not even be around me now?

 

Because I was horrible to her?  Because she’s come to her senses and realised what an awful mistake it would have been last night?  I mean, what on earth was she thinking, nearly kissing me?  If that’s what it even was for her.  I know what it was for me but we haven’t actually talked about it.  Because she did want to kiss me and now she’s freaking out?  I just don’t know.  This is just a fucking minefield and I’m too old for it.  Too old.  Too tired.  Too widowed.

 

I started drafting her a text when I was in the pub, attempting to reach out to her.  But then Betsy started chatting about how it was me and her against the world, how she wants to step up from now on.  She was being so sweet.  So loving.  So I deleted the text and put my phone away.  It would destroy Betsy if she knew I’d even considered trying to move on from her Mum.  Look at how she reacted before.  No.  She’d never cope.  She’d never understand.  I’m not sure I do.  How could I even consider letting another woman into my life when Becky was… everything?  She was everything.  Betsy would never forgive me.

 

Carla

 

10^th October 2024

10pm

 

So, I hardly slept.  I was up and out early, as I figured I may as well use my restlessness productively.  I came back mid-morning to get my lucky socks for a big meeting, only to find Ryan singing and dancing round the flat.  That was pretty much the nicest thing that happened to me all day.  Second nicest.

 

He told me he’d had a weird interaction with Lisa in the café.  He called her a funny fish.  She’d been asking after me but didn’t want me to know she’d been asking after me.  And that sent me into overdrive.  So, then he accused me of being weird.

 

My meeting went well.  I celebrated with a little coffee and a read of the paper in the café.  I bumped into Betsy there and she tried to wangle a pay rise out of me.  I did buy her a latte though.  Cheeky thing, she is. 

 

I couldn’t stop myself asking after Lisa.  She said she was at work.  And before I could stop myself, my feet were carrying me over to the police station to speak to her.

 

She was not pleased to see me.  She tried to fob me off at first but when she realised she wasn’t getting rid of me, she took me into a room to talk.  She wasn’t herself.  She looked tired, like she hadn’t slept.  But still somehow, radiant.  I just wanted to hold her again, finish what we started last night.  But clearly she does NOT feel the same way.  She’s made that pretty clear.  She was completely dismissive.  Called me a tourist.  A straight bird.  Told me there’s no point having a post mortem on something that didn’t even happen.  Said it was a moment and now it’s gone.  It hurts.  To know that’s what she thinks.  I thought we were close.  I thought our friendship was something special.  That we meant something to each other.  And now I don’t know what to think.

 

I basically begged her to still be my friend.  And she relented.  We said we’d stop swerving each other, carry on as normal.  We haven’t.  I just… don’t know how to be around her now.  It’s too hard.  I can’t explain to her how much she means to be because she obviously doesn’t feel that way.  I mean, why would she?  She had a perfect marriage with the perfect wife.  Why the hell would she want someone like me?  The way she talked about me earlier shows me exactly what she thinks anyway.  I guess I just thought she thought more of me than that.  After all the time we’ve spent together, all we’ve shared.

 

So, I wasn’t in a great mood for the rest of the day.  As Sean enjoyed pointing out when I went for a drink with Ryan later.  And of course, who should turn up in the pub but Lisa and Betsy?  If we’d hoped it might be easy between us after talking, we were wrong.  She could barely look at me.  Betsy was lovely, chatting to me about putting me in her imaginary gratitude journal or something.  But I fled.  I just couldn’t stay.  I couldn’t stand in the same bar as Lisa and not be close with her, chat with her, laugh with her, mess around with her, the way we have been.  This unease has settled on us and I don’t know how to make it go away.

 

This evening was the actual nicest thing that happened today.  Ryan.  He came home shortly after me and we watched a bit of telly together.  Then came the teasing about female coppers.  When I got defensive, he started teasing me again, saying there was a vibe between me and Lisa, that he’d spotted the looks between us, that Lisa was really disappointed when I left the pub.  Was she?  Was she really?  Did she want me to stay?  Why didn’t she say something?  Why didn’t she stop me, sit me down, actually talk to me?

 

It was a real relief to be able to finally talk to someone about how I’m feeling.  Ryan was amazing.  I told him about ‘the moment’ last night.  He teased me, obviously.  I defended myself and Lisa, saying that we’d sort of tried to talk about it but we’re scared of losing a potentially great friendship.  He told me I want to kiss her and that we’re pining for each other!  I mean, yeah.  He’s not wrong.  I would love to kiss her.  Now I’ve seen her lips up close, I know how incredibly kissable they look.  I wish I’d kissed her last night.  But would that have just made things worse this morning?  Worse than this awkward tension simmering between us now?

 

I am grateful to Ryan though.  He was really reassuring.  Really validating.  Stopped me completely spinning out.  And actually, I’m not that bothered that Lisa’s a woman.  Ryan’s right.  It’s 2024.  It doesn’t matter.  I mean, it’s confusing.  I’ve never been attracted to a woman before.  I don’t think.  I mean, maybe.  I’ve never really looked back and reflected.  But Lisa… she’s just so incredible.  So special.  How could I not have feelings for her?

 

Next time... things are awkward between Carla and Lisa, Joel's body turns up and Lisa and Betsy fall out again...

Chapter 21: The Body

Lisa

 

11^th October 2024

20:02

 

I have just tried to throw myself into work.  It’s not as easy as normal, being that I’m now off the Joel investigation.  I couldn’t help but stick my two cents in, not that Kit is remotely interested.  I really cannot stand that man.  He is profoundly irritating.

 

But sniping at him is better than living in my own head right now.  I miss Carla.  It’s only been a day and I miss her.  I’ve wanted to text her all day but I can’t.  I mean, what would I say?  No.  We’re done.  I’ve lost her.  I know I’ve lost her.  It was lovely while it lasted but we were never going to be friends, were we?  Let’s be realistic about it.

 

Carla

 

11^th October 2024

8:23pm

 

I’ve hardly been able to concentrate all day.  I messed up a load of figures, gave up and finished my day at home with a bottle of wine.  All I can think about is Lisa.  I’ve drafted so many messages but I have no idea what to say.  I just want us to be friends again.  Proper friends.  Close friends.  More than friends?  All I dreamt about last night was that hug.  How she felt in my arms.  She just fit so perfectly against me.  I’d love to hold her again.  I don’t think she’d let me.  She doesn’t want to be anywhere near me.

 

Lisa

 

14^th October 2024

21:23

 

Joel’s body has turned up.  And it wasn’t suicide.  It was murder.  Some lads spotted him floating down the river.  Kit’s still leading the fucking thing.  I’m still pissed off.  Especially as he keeps taking credit for all my suggestions. 

 

So, he’s uncovered CCTV footage from the train station of Joel and Angus conspiring, as Dee Dee suspected, for Joel to run away – leaving things in lockers.  And it transpires that Angus rented Joel a flat that Joel never turned up to.  But although Craig is very transparent about where information and leads come from, Kit is not.  He is seriously anticipating that promotion.

 

Betsy left her phone at home today and was of course, bereft without it.  Carla texted me very awkwardly and politely to say that Betsy had asked if I might have time to drop it off while I was out and about.  I found the time and summoned Betsy outside, rather than going on, via Carla, explaining I was in a rush.  I feel guilty.  I should have faced her.  But I couldn’t.

 

Betsy came out.  I told her about Joel.  We both admitted that we’re glad he’s dead.  I picked her up again tonight and again, waited outside.  She tackled me about it over dinner tonight.  She asked if I’d had some kind of row with Carla, which I denied.  She remarked that I normally always go in and have a chat with Carla when I pick her up but I haven’t been in for a few days.  She said Carla was awkward when she asked her to text me as well.  I just said I was really busy because of Joel’s murder so I didn’t have time to stop and chat.  And that Carla probably felt weird summoning me for a phone when she knew I was busy.  She accepted it, thankfully.  I don’t need her asking questions or analysing my relationship with Carla.  Not that there is one.

 

Carla

 

14^th October 2024

9:24pm

 

Lisa is definitely avoiding me.  That’s three times now that she’s not come into the factory in the last few days. She didn’t pick her up on Friday or today.  I had to text her today to ask her to bring Betsy’s phone in for her, which she did.  But she stopped outside and wouldn’t come in.  She said it was because she was busy.  But I don’t buy it.  She’s always busy.  She’s always found the time before.  It’s only been since our moment last week.  Now, it’s like the world will combust if we’re in the same room at the same time. 

 

And I know it’s not just her.  It’s me too.  I ran from the pub the other day.  Ryan did say she looked disappointed when I left.  I so want to talk to her.  Properly.  I just don’t know how.  What do I say?  I couldn’t get my words out when I tried before.  And she didn’t want to hear them anyway.

 

Oh, also.  Joel’s dead.  He was murdered, apparently.  Good riddance.  Bastard.

 

Carla

 

16^th October 2024

4:52pm

 

I’m considering buying Gail’s house.  I know.  Random or what?  The Platts’ are struggling for money because of needing to pay for Bethany’s treatment in Turkey.  Especially now that people are being a lot less generous with the crowdfunding, now that they know the reason she became ill was because she had some sort of cosmetic treatment that went wrong.  I mean, for fuck’s sake.  What’s wrong with people?  She put her trust in those Doctors.  They assured her that the treatment would be fine.  That it would be safe.  And now she’s got to spend the rest of her life with a colostomy bag.  Where’s the compassion?  This isn’t her fault.  Nobody has treatments like she had just for a laugh, do they?  It’s about self-esteem, confidence, happiness.  Or lack of it.  So yeah, I’ve anonymously donated a fair whack towards it.  I don’t need them to know it was me.  It wasn’t for praise.  It was to help.

 

Anyway, I’d heard that Gail was selling up so she can start her new life with this Jesse bloke that’s turned up.  I remember him from years ago, when he was going out with Eileen Grimshaw.  Apparently he and Gail hooked up when she was in Thailand and they’ve recently reconnected and its true love, if you please!

 

Well, this flat is too small for me and the boys.  We’re living on top of each other.  And I’m just… ready to move on.  I love this flat.  It’s been my sanctuary for so many years.  But I feel like I’m ready to move on now.  Get a bigger place, me and the boys.

 

David was not impressed to have Ryan and I viewing the house though.  He had such a face on him, like grumpier than his normal face.  He did everything he could to try and put us off.  He even demanded to know why I was trying to buy it.  I did point out that if I didn’t buy it, then someone else will.  But it didn’t console him.  He was really pissed off.

 

Lisa

 

16^th October 2024

20:49

 

Betsy and I have fallen out again.  Of course we have.  And of course it’s over that little toerag, Mason.  I found them hanging out this morning when she was meant to be going to college and it just kind of spiralled from there.

 

Kit pissed me off all day as well.  The little shit actually made me buy him breakfast just to get any information out of him about Joel’s case.  And then he barely gave me anything.  He died by blunt force trauma to the head.  They suspect it could have been a crowbar, as someone used one to break into his flat.  Then he was completely out of order to me, picking apart my parenting skills and my relationship with Betsy.  I mean, how many kids does he have?  Has he even spent time with any children?  What the fuck does he know?

 

Oh and then he had the audacity to send me on a run to Speed Daal to collect food for the team!  I’m his superior and he thinks he can bloody well order me around!  He’s such a shit.  I actively dislike him.  I hope when this is all over and done with, they skip over him for the promotion he’s slavering over getting.  He is not DS material.  Not even nearly.  He’s got no ethics to speak of.  While we were in the café, he was so rude to Ronnie.  Obviously we can’t divulge information to the public about an active investigation but we don’t need to be dicks about it.

 

So, when I went to collect the food, I quizzed Yasmeen about Mason and found out that he’d been living with her until her partner, Stu left for Germany.  She wasn’t keen on keeping him in the house, as his brothers (they’re well known criminal bastards) smashed her windows and were trying to persuade Mason to join them in a robbery.  She found a crowbar amongst his belongings.  I mean, that’s convenient, is it not?

 

I reported back to Kit and he brought Mason in for questioning while I pointedly warned Betsy away from him.  I even braved going into the factory to do it but thankfully, Carla wasn’t there.  Apparently she was looking at a house she wants to buy?  I had a brief panic that maybe she’s moving away but surely she wouldn’t be?  I mean, her business is here.  Her friends and family are here.  Roy and Ryan and Bobby.  She wouldn’t just abandon them.  If she was going to just up and leave then she would have gone off with Peter, wouldn’t she?  And she’s made it clear that it’s over between them.  So, maybe she’s just moving somewhere local.  I know we’re not in a great place right now and that’s my fault but I couldn’t bear it if she wasn’t in my life anymore.  We’ve been apart for just a few days and I miss her like hell.

 

Anyway… Kit caught up with Mason just as he was getting rid of a crowbar.  I suspect my word with Betsy prompted a word with Mason, rather than her listening to me and staying away from me.  There’s no evidence on the crowbar that links Mason to Joel but the kid doesn’t have an alibi either.  I’m not saying he’s responsible but it’s possible.  He’s from a dodgy family, he has a violent, thuggish past, no alibi.  Joel was a bastard.  All it would have taken would have been one moment of anger.  The only thing is that he doesn’t have a motive.  Unless he was trying to protect Betsy somehow or stand up for her?  I don’t know.  But I’m keeping my eye on him, that’s for sure.

 

I went to the pub after work and was just chatting with Dee Dee and Ronnie with Betsy barged in and completely embarrassed me.  She shouted at me in front of everyone, raging about Mason and then stormed out.  I had to apologise and chase after her.  I took her home.  We argued all the way there and have literally only just stopped rowing.  And it’s not even resolved.  We just ran out of steam.  She’s stormed up to her room and I’m just sat here, writing and nursing a large glass of wine.  I wish I had Carla to talk to.

 

Next time... Lisa makes enemies, Betsy accuses Lisa of murder and Lisa opens up to Carla...

Chapter 22: Accusations

Carla

 

23^rd October 2024

5:56pm

 

I think the house is going to fall through.  I put an offer in last night but this morning, in the café, David announced (to the surprise of his own wife), that they’re buying the house.  Apparently, he’s spoken to the bank and they qualify for a mortgage and they’re going ahead.  So, of course Gail’s going to accept him over me as a buyer, even though she seemed pretty keen last night when I spoke to her.

 

Anyway, that family have bigger problems than house sales right now.  Gail was rushed to hospital with a heart attack this afternoon.  I saw the ambulance outside.  Apparently, she’s had to have surgery and everything.  I really hope she’s okay.  I’ll ask Shona if she’s at the café tomorrow.  Poor Gail.

 

Oh, apparently Max and Lauren are together now.  Bobby told me that he helped matchmake them, which is kind of magnanimous of him, considering he’s been crazy about Lauren since the moment he met her.  He said that they’d already slept together anyway, on the night that Joel died.  Which is weird, because Lauren told me that night that she was leaving.  Running away from Joel and even leaving Frankie behind, so if she hooked up with Max that night?  I still think that whole conversation was weird.  Something about it doesn’t sit quite right with me.  I can’t quite put my finger on it.  I don’t know.  Maybe I don’t want to.  If I put it into too many words, think about it too clearly, I might get an answer I don’t want.  I might ruin the life of someone whose life has already been pretty shitty.  And for the sake of what?

 

Lisa

 

23^rd October 2024

22:01

 

Betsy still isn’t talking to me.  She’s not even shouting.  She’s literally just ignoring me.  It hurts.  A lot.  She wouldn’t even accept lifts off me today and even when she’s angry with me, she’s still usually happy to take advantage.  She wouldn’t eat dinner with me.  Nothing.

 

I seem to have fallen out with Dee Dee too.  I haven’t even done anything!  Kit went in on her, Ronnie and Ed so I went to check on her later, make sure she was okay.  But she’d already decided that I was playing ‘good cop’ approaching her as part of the investigation, trying to trick her into incriminating herself.  She was really harsh with me.  It hurt.

 

I know she’s upset at the moment.  She’s decided she’s not in a place to be able to take Lauren and Frankie in.  I know she must feel bad about it.  Maybe she’s taking her guilt out on me?  I don’t know.  But it feels shitty.  I thought we’d become friends in the last few weeks.  Obviously not.

 

And I don’t have Carla either.  She’d become my best friend.  My closest person and then that… moment happened… and now we can’t even be in the same room as each other.  I’ve wanted to see her.  I’ve wanted to text her.  But then, she hasn’t contacted me either.  I don’t know what she’s thinking.  I don’t know how she’s feeling.  I just know that I feel embarrassed.  I feel anxious.  I just want us to be friends again, forget it all happened.  I miss her so much.  But how can I ever forget what it was like to have her arms around me?  The way she held me.  The way she looked at me with those beautiful, soulful eyes of hers.  The way I felt.  How much I wanted to kiss her.  How much I still want to kiss her.

 

But I can’t.  I can’t have her.  I can’t have any of it.

 

I’m not even capable of having a friend.  Not Carla.  Not Dee Dee.  Not anybody.

 

I’m so alone.

 

Carla

 

28^th October 2024

8:45pm

 

Lisa hates me.  She actually hates me.  If I was in any doubt before, she’s made it pretty clear now.  I mean, let’s face it, ignoring me and avoiding me for the last two weeks made it clear enough.  I should have just left well enough alone, shouldn’t I?  I should have just stayed out of her way.  It was hurting.  It was hurting a lot.  But not as much as it hurts right now. 

 

She recoiled from me.  Literally recoiled.  In horror.  Disgust.  Like the idea of being anywhere near me repulsed her.  Like I repulsed her.  How did we go from being so close, so comfortable, so happy around each other to that?  She was my friend.  My best friend, actually.  I absolutely adore the woman.  I can’t even describe how much I adore her.  And yeah, I fancy her.  I wanted to hug her today.  I wanted to hold her again.  And she pushed me off.  She doesn’t like me.  Doesn’t want me.  She’s made it clear now.  And I… I don’t know if I can carry on being around her when my feelings are as strong as they are.  It’s so hard.  And the one person I want to talk to about it… I can’t.  Because that would only make everything worse.

 

I saw her very briefly in the café this morning.  Roy was running uncharacteristically late so I stepped in to help serve coffees (nobody should be made to pay for my cooking), just to keep things ticking along.  Lisa basically walked in and walked back out again.  She didn’t want to be around me.  Or couldn’t be around me.  We’ve hardly seen each other the last two weeks and it’s been excruciating.  I’ve drafted so many texts but I’ve deleted them all.  I mean, what do I say?  Do I ask her out for a drink?  Do I apologise?  Do I explain?  None of it seems right.  So, I’ve just left her to it.  When I’ve seen her, I’ve just looked longingly at her from afar and hoped she or anyone else haven’t caught me.

 

I saw her again in the pub this afternoon and it was so bloody embarrassing.  She was having a drink with Dee Dee and they invited me over.  Well, Dee Dee it.  Lisa poked her head out and I could have melted right then and there.  She just looked so beautiful, this naughty little glint in her eye.  I knew I shouldn’t have gone over.  I knew I should have walked away but I’ve missed her so much and the temptation to sit with her, look at her, talk to her… it was too much.  So, I ordered a large glass of red and joined them.  And it was a disaster.

 

They were complaining about work – namely horrible bosses.  Lisa’s been put on all the crap jobs now she’s been taken off the Joel investigation.  She was complaining about shoplifting and vandalism.  And I just put my foot in it over and over again, accidentally insulting her and then panicking about gendered language and then it all just spiralled.  And she loved it.  She sat there, watching me squirm and bloody loved it.  She flirted with me!  After all that’s happened, bold as brass, right in front of Dee Dee, she flirted with me. 

She said, “Go on, keep digging.  I love to see a woman sweat.”

I mean, come the fuck on, Lisa!  You’ve been avoiding me for a fortnight because I hugged you and could have kissed and then you enjoy me flapping about and getting tongue tied and then you say that to me?  Are you actually joking?

 

Well, things didn’t get any better after that, understandably.  I tried my best to keep my mouth shut.  But she was just sat there, radiant.  She was smiling and laughing and I couldn’t take my eyes off her.  I finished my wine as quickly as I could and said I had to go back to work.  I practically fell out the door.

 

Ryan was eager to hear that Lisa and I were speaking again but I had to dash his hopes.  I complained that she’s so hard to read, only for him to tease me about how similar we are.  I swear I am nowhere near as frustrating as that woman is!  He told me that Kit has been making comments about Lisa, implying that she coasts at work on the popularity of Becky.  He thinks Kit’s just after Lisa’s job though.  I don’t like that bloke.  There’s something about him…  And Lisa might be confusing the hell out of me right now but the one thing I can say with certainty is that she loves her job and she cares deeply about the people she serves to protect.  She gives everything.  I mean, she’s risked suspension for this case.  And it’s not been for glory or promotion.  It’s not even to bang Joel up for the sake of justice.  It’s been devotion to protect Lauren and make her feel safe.  Make sure she can draw a line under the trauma of what happened to her, to give her and Frankie and chance to start again.  And that is a beautiful soul right there.  I’d want Lisa running my case any day over the likes of Kit Green.

 

I was still feeling flustered after my interaction with her earlier in the day so I ventured back to the pub to console myself, only to find her back in there having it out with Dee Dee.  I mean, they’d been having a laugh and a drink earlier in the day!  I don’t know quite how they ended up rowing!  But I gather Lisa uncovered some evidence that led her to suspect that Ronnie could be involved in Joel’s death.  Being hot headed, she approached him in the pub and Dee Dee kicked off.  Like, she literally squared up to Lisa.  I had to warn her to step back.

 

Lisa left and I followed.  She was barely breathing when I got outside.  I touched her arm, brought her back down to earth by saying her name, asking if she was alright.  She tried to shake me off but I was worried.  I told her I was worried.  She asked me if I’d like to go for a drink at The Bistro and of course I accepted.  I was never going to turn down spending time with her.  I love spending time with her.

 

We ordered a bottle and we chatted.  We talked about Ronnie (without her divulging details), about Betsy (she has so much guilt over that kid) and I did everything I could to stand up for her, make her understand how incredible she is, as a police officer, a Mum, a human being.

 

And then it happened.  It felt natural to me.  To hug her.  To reach for her.  But she jumped away like I’d tried to ram my tongue down her throat, which to be fair, isn’t an unappealing option.  But I wouldn’t have done it.  Not without permission!  I would so love to have permission.  But she won’t even hug me.  She’d never let me kiss her.  No.  This is definitely a one sided, frustrating crush that isn’t going anywhere.  Ugh!  This is the kind of thing that happens to teenage girls, not 49 year old women!  How the hell have I, Carla Connor, married five times to MEN and having had countless other relationships with MEN suddenly developed a crush on my best FEMALE friend?!  And she’s not even remotely masculine either.  I mean, I couldn’t imagine her rocking up in a dress or anything but she’s all curvy and those shirts she wears really show off her boobs.  And why the hell do I look at her boobs so much?  And her hair.  Her gorgeous, long, blonde hair.  I love it.  I loved touching it the other night.  It was so soft.  And her face… she always has such delicate makeup on.  She’s just so pretty.

 

Fuck.  I’ve got it bad.  What the hell is wrong with me?

 

I’ve been ranting away to Ryan since I got in.  That boy puts up with a lot from me.  I must be boring him to tears.  Every day since that first moment, all I seem capable of talking about is Lisa.  I can’t bloody stop.

 

Lisa

 

28^th October

22:04

 

It was a month ago that I was hit by that car and I am still in bloody agony.  I’ve been taking the painkillers but they’re not helping.  I don’t know.  Maybe I should have stayed at the hospital, had the scan they wanted me to have.  Maybe when I got kicked off the case, I should have admitted what happened and taken some sick leave to rest my ribs.  Probably the lack of rest is stopping them healing.  My whole body is black and blue.  It probably didn’t help that I hit the ground running with work the very next day.  Almost literally.  That I arrested that Tom bloke a week later.  That was very physical.  But it was worth it to protect Carla.

 

Carla.

 

Yeah, I’ve fucked that one up.  Again.

 

I saw her briefly this morning.  It was one of the first times we’ve come face to face in the last couple of weeks.  Every time I’ve seen her, I’ve managed to disappear.  But she was literally serving in the café this morning, to help Roy.  And I left.  I just abandoned her.  She looked so hurt.

 

Work pissed me off when I was dumped with car vandalism.  That was until I realised the car was trashed on Noble Street on the night that Joel died.  I halted the guy from getting it fixed, took a statement about the vandalism, including the argument he heard two men having shortly before it happened and started my own investigation, with the help of Craig.

 

But before I’d got my teeth into it, before I realised I was onto something, I was feeling frustrated and pissed off.  Dee Dee and I made up and had a drink in the pub, as well as a good bitching session about work and shit bosses.  Dee Dee invited Carla to join us and I honestly don’t know what came over me.  I should have felt sorry for Carla.  She was so anxious and stressed.  She kept putting her foot in it, saying the wrong thing and she got so flustered.  And I knew it was my fault.  I knew it was because of the way I’ve been with her, the things I’ve said.  I’ve made her uncomfortable.  She doesn’t want to offend me.  But there was something so cute, so endearing about the way she was flapping about.  It slipped out before I could stop it.  I told her I loved to see a woman sweat.  She looked so startled.  She flapped even more after that.  I couldn’t help it.  I enjoyed feeling confident for once.

 

My day took an unfortunate turn when my investigation into the car led me to Ronnie.  And stupidly, I challenged him in the pub about his whereabouts and his car.  Dee Dee just went for me.  She was really angry with me, towered over me and shouted.  Not that I relented.  Suddenly Carla was there, telling Dee Dee to back off and nudging me out of the pub.

 

I knew I’d fucked up.  It was a real struggle to catch my breath once I was outside but Carla was right there, calming me down.  I asked her for a drink at The Bistro and I was really pleased that she accepted.  I wanted to make things better between us.  We chatted over a bottle of wine and she was gorgeous to me.  For everything bad I said about myself, she had something to counteract it with.  She told me that being a Mum was the hardest job in the world, how awful her own Mum was; she even said that Betsy had struck gold with me.  I mean, she’s wrong but it was nice of her to say.

 

Then she tried to hug me.  And I wanted nothing more than to hug her.  To be held by her.  I would have melted into her arms and stayed there.  I would have kissed her if she’d have kissed me.  Not that she would have done.  It was just a fleeting moment the other night.  I know it was.  Carla doesn’t feel like that about me.  How could she?  That’s why it was alright to get a bit flirty this afternoon.  It’s safe, isn’t it?  It’s never going to go anywhere.  I’m not that lucky.

 

But she accidentally caught me on the worst of my bruises so I flinched.  Then I panicked and I left.  She looked absolutely crestfallen.  I know I’ve hurt her.  I feel terrible about it.  I don’t know how to fix it.  I want to fix it.  I want us to be friends again.  I need her to know that I care about her.  I need her to know we can have a hug and that’s okay.  That we can be normal friends and that moment we had before is fine, it’s the past.  I don’t want things to be awkward between us anymore.  I need to make things right.

 

When I came home tonight, I had to spend quite a lot of time checking on my bruises.  I’m using Arnica and taking my medication.  I don’t know what else to do.  They’re not calming down.  They’re not going away.

 

Lisa

 

31^st October 2024

23:11

 

Betsy saw my bruises this morning.  I forgot to lock the bathroom door and she burst in on me and saw them.  I made up some shit, off the cuff lie about getting hurt during body combat in the gym.  Explained that I’d cracked some ribs but insisted I was fine. 

 

She didn’t believe me.  And ever the coppers’ daughter, decided to investigate by herself.  She spoke to both Craig and Daisy (who knows far more about the Joel investigation than she should) and somehow concluded that I murdered Joel!  I am really hurt.  It actually hurts more than my bloody ribs!  Does she actually think I’m capable of murder?  And of lying about it for a month?  Of hauling other people in for the crime, knowing they’re innocent?  I mean, really?!  Is that what she actually thinks of me?

 

I went to the factory under the guise of speaking to Betsy but actually, I wanted to see Carla.  I was going to try and (probably clumsily) explain the other night, that I hadn’t meant to rush off and just try and reiterate that I was tired and stressed but ask her if she would like to go for dinner.  I’d wanted to try and make the overture to spend some real time together, to show her that I want to spend real time together, as mates, to try and heal our fractured relationship.  I don’t want her to think I’m uncomfortable around her and I don’t want her to be uncomfortable around me.  She’s trying.  I can see she’s trying.  And I want to meet her halfway.

 

She was in the middle of telling me she was glad I’d come, as she wanted to speak to me, when Betsy burst in.  I still don’t know what she was going to say.  Maybe she was going to speak to me about the other night as well?  I don’t know if it was good or bad.  Hopefully good.  Maybe I’ll never know!  The day kind of got away from us from there because Betsy came in accusing me of Joel’s murder.  I was mortified!  I mean, what the hell do you do when your kid accuses you of being a murderer?  Especially when it’s in front of your crush?

 

On the plus side, Carla didn’t believe her for a second.  For a moment, I was worried she did.  Betsy was shouting about my bruises and presented me with her ‘evidence’: my lack of alibi and that Joel apparently got into a fight before he died.  After Betsy stormed off, Carla admitted she raised some questions, so I stormed off.  And into the pub where I laid out both Daisy and Craig.  I know I went too far.  I basically threatened Daisy.  She could complain about me for it.  I was just so angry!  I still am!

 

I stormed back to work and it wasn’t long before Carla was there in my office.  She just glided past the front desk, telling them that she was Betsy boss and needed to speak to me.  Honestly, the woman can charm anyone!  She made it clear that she knows I didn’t kill Joel but she knows I’m lying about how I got the bruises.  She advised me to tell Betsy something because she’s not going to drop it until she has answers.  I swore I wouldn’t tell anyone what happened.  I’ve kept it all inside for a month.  But of course it was Carla who broke me down.  Of course it was.

 

So, I told her.  I told her about the mugging and the car.  I played down how bad it was, said it just clipped me, rather than it lobbing me up and over the bonnet.  She was confused as to why I couldn’t share it with Betsy.  So, then I had to tell her the whole tragic story of Becky’s death.  I cried.  She cried, actually.  Not much.  But I watched silent tears track down her face.  And that broke something inside me.  That she would cry for me, for Betsy, for a woman she didn’t even know.  Her heart, her compassion, her kindness… it overwhelms me sometimes.  I know she has this tough exterior but she has such a beautiful soul.

 

I explained that telling Betsy about Bex was the hardest moment of my life, as well as all the struggles and fear we’ve lived through since.  She was understanding but firm that I need to tell Betsy something.  And I know she’s right.  I know I have to think of something to tell her, to put her mind at rest.

 

I told her that that was why I withdrew from her hug the other night.  The relief on her face made me cry even harder.  I must have really hurt her by walking out when she was only trying to be kind to me.  I explained that I was in pain and that’s why I left.  She apologised if she’d hurt me and I reassured her that she hadn’t.  She asked if she could give me a hug then, knowing I was upset.  I accepted.  We were cautious, careful, both physically and emotionally.  My heart was pounding.  I knew I couldn’t let it become what it had the last time.  But my head was spinning with Betsy and Becky and all those awful memories.  Plus my hurt feelings over Betsy accusing me of being a murderer.  Being held in Carla’s arms felt so right.  She made me feel so safe.  We didn’t hold on as long that time but we did hold each other close.  Close enough for me to breath her in. Close enough to feel stable and secure for just a moment.

 

She asked me if I was alright, if I needed to go to hospital or to see my GP.  She even offered to take me.  I assured her I was fine and everything was healing.  I did my best to play it down.  I even showed her the tiniest bit of them, some of the ones on my side where I knew they were fading, to try and put her mind at rest.  It was kind of strange, lifting my shirt, even just a little bit and showing her my body.  Nobody’s seen any part of my body for years, apart from Betsy when she inevitably bursts in on me in the bathroom or barges into my bedroom to borrow things, usually my earrings.  I was careful not to show too much.  Not too many bruises.  Not my piercing.  Not too much of my body.  I don’t know.  It just felt… odd.  Especially when she touched my bruises.  She just stroked her thumb across them, looking at them, looking at me, asking me again if I was sure I was okay.  I mean, I was until she touched me!  She was so gentle and I just kept thinking about…  Well, I don’t need to explain, do I?

 

Is this going to be my life forever?  Just pining over my straight best friend?

 

Betsy’s been out all evening at a Halloween party and she’s staying the night at her friend’s house.  I’ve been alone.  Apart from all the bloody trick or treaters.

 

Carla

 

31^st October 2024

11:49pm

 

Yeah, it’s been a bit of a bloody day.  And of course, it’s been all about Lisa and Betsy.  My whole world seems to be about Lisa and Betsy now.

 

Lisa came to find Betsy and I was just psyching myself up to talk to her about us… whatever that means… to ask her about her batting me away the other night and running off like I made her want to vomit, when Betsy burst in and accused her of murder!  Yes.  Really.  I felt so bloody sorry for Lisa.  She looked absolutely devastated.  I mean, how could Betsy even think someone as gentle and kind as her mother could harm someone?  As if.  She started talking about these terrible bruises Lisa has all over her body, including cracked ribs.  She was in a real panic about them and had even gone as far as talking to Daisy, who has clearly been getting the lowdown about the case from Kit, and Craig who has confirmed that Lisa has no alibi for the night Joel died.

 

Betsy stormed off when Lisa shut her down and refused to tell her how she got the bruises.  I know she wanted me to back her up.  And of course I didn’t believe she’d killed Joel.  She’s not capable.  But when I pointed out that Betsy had raised some questions, she stormed out as well. 

 

I felt so bad.  I knew I’d hurt her.  I knew I’d let her down.  So, I went to see her at work.  It was surprisingly easy to get into her office.  I don’t know if she was annoyed or impressed or both.  But she told me everything.  She went back out looking for Joel that night.  She didn’t find him.  She happened upon a mugging instead and gave chase, only to get clipped by the mugger’s car for her trouble.  I suspect that ‘clipped’ is underselling it somewhat.  I still didn’t understand why she couldn’t just tell Betsy the story.  Until she explained exactly how Becky died.  She broke my heart, as she broke down and explained that she’d died in more or less the same circumstances.  A burglary.  She gave chase.  The car drove directly at her, ran her over and she died at the scene.  She said telling Betsy was the hardest thing she’s ever had to do in her life and she can’t tell her that she risked herself like that. 

 

It made me think of that conversation we had the other week, about putting herself in harm’s way, not caring enough if she lived or died.  She already had those injuries.  She must have made them worse arresting that bloke to protect me.

 

She cried while she told me the story.  I bloody cried!  Hearing her pain, her grief.  Thinking about Becky.  About the sorrow she and Betsy have lived with all this time.  Even remembering the way Liam died all those years ago.

 

No wonder she’s not interested in me.  I mean, I don’t think she would be anyway but she’s clearly not over her wife.  She probably never will be.  I just need to try and get my feelings under control so I can try my best to be a good friend to her, to be the best friend I can be.

 

I was understanding but I did urge her to tell Betsy something, anything.  Because she won’t let it go.  I know she won’t.  Personally, I think she ought to tell her the truth.  I’m not saying it’ll be easy but I think the kid will appreciate the honesty.

 

She explained that that was why she pulled away the other night and I thought I was going to weep from relief.  It wasn’t me.  She doesn’t hate me or feel repulsed by me being near her.  It was her bruises, the pain she was in.  I was so relieved and I let it show.  I cautiously asked her if I could give her a (careful) hug and she accepted.  It was so lovely, holding her again after so many weeks of this disconnect we’ve been going through.  It was almost like we collapsed against each other.  I just closed my eyes and breathed her in for a moment before I collected myself and let her go.  I didn’t want to mess everything up again by getting carried away.

 

I worried about her bruises.  Offered to take her to get medical treatment but she was dismissive.  Insisted she was fine.  She even showed me her side.  I know she was only showing me the best of them.  I know Betsy saw more, saw worse.  To be honest, it was very distracting, standing there in her office with her holding her shirt up (even just a little), seeing just that hint of her side.  I was trying to focus on care and compassion and my thoughts just kept falling in the gutter.  Before I could stop myself, I’d reached out and stroked the bruises.  I mean, what’s wrong with me?  I can’t seem to leave the woman alone!  But she didn’t flinch, didn’t pull away.  She just let me.  And now I can’t stop thinking about how soft her skin is, how smooth (even battered and bruised).  I haven’t stopped thinking about touching her since I got home.  I literally got no work done after I left her.

 

I’ve spent the evening with Ryan.  He was full of pep this morning, advising me to talk to Lisa.  And I did try.  But I need to console myself with the fact that as close friends as Lisa and I could be, she doesn’t feel that way about me.  She’s still in love with her wife.  She’s already told me that she has no interest in relationships.  And she definitely wouldn’t want to date a ‘straight bird’, as she so ‘affectionately’ referred to me a few weeks ago.  I’m relieved that she’s not actually disgusted by me.  We hugged and she let me touch her side to check her bruises but my feelings are very much one side.  I know that.  I accept it.  But I just… that night… the way she looked at me… it really felt, just for a moment, like…  Well, never mind, I suppose.  It doesn’t matter now.

 

I didn’t go into detail with Ryan.  I wouldn’t break Lisa’s confidence, especially now that he seems to be mates with Kit, but I updated him on why I didn’t managed to speak to her about us.  Just that there’s a situation going on with Betsy and actually, I think Lisa’s doing the wrong thing, lying to protect her.

 

Oh, and now Ryan’s got it into his head that I’m lying about my whereabouts the night Joel died.  I’m not!  I did go out to check the factory lights and grab some files.  I just haven’t happened to mention to anyone that I bumped into Lauren and Max on my way back, which delayed me a bit.  I’m still pretending that it’s not relevant.

 

Lisa

 

1^st November 2024

21:00

 

What a bloody day!  I don’t even know where to start so I guess I’ll just go with the beginning.

 

I picked Betsy up from her party and took her for breakfast at Roy’s.  Things were still very awkward between us but I sort of heeded Carla’s advice and came up with another excuse as to how I acquired my bruises.  I know she thought I should have told her the truth but I just couldn’t.  I made up some stupid thing about falling off a chair at work, reassured her I’d gone to hospital but explained that I’d lied about the outcome to work because I didn’t want to get signed off, what with everything going on with Joel at the time.

 

I thought I’d sorted it all out.  Of course, I hadn’t.  She didn’t believe a word of it.

 

After another spat with Daisy, I went off to work, mostly working the Joel case on the sly, with Craig’s help.  I exchanged some cross words with Kit about sharing information about the case with Daisy when he shouldn’t have.  I gave him yet more avenues to investigate, which I gather he has, without crediting me but you know what, at this point, I don’t care.  My sole aim was justice for Lauren, when I thought she’d been killed.  When I realised she’d survive, it was still justice for her but mostly, protection for her.  That she would be feel safe enough for herself and her little boy, to know that she wouldn’t be harmed again.  She’s had a lifetime of it.  That’s why I’ve broken rules and fought so bloody hard to protect her and Betsy and Ellie and goodness’ knows who else from Joel.  But Joel’s dead now.  I want to know who killed him because I’m a copper.  I don’t believe in vigilante justice.  But in this case, I’m glad he’s dead.  Honestly, I’d rather buy the person a pint than lock them up.  I’m off the case now and I don’t care anymore.  Kit can solve it, be the hero, whatever.  This is nothing to do with me anymore.

 

Of course, it took me a while to reach this attitude.  First, I was hauled into Costello’s office, as someone had made a complaint about me for harassment!  I’ve never harassed anyone in my life!  My assumption was that it was Daisy.  Maybe Kit.  They both denied it and I now know that it wasn’t either of them.  But it didn’t stop me charging over to the pub to rage at them both, which probably wasn’t my wisest move, being that I’m now under internal investigation.  I’ve had to hand in both my phones and take time out to go home and dig out Betsy’s old one to use in the meantime.  The whole thing has pissed me off so much.

 

I bumped into Carla just as I stormed out the pub.  She tried to talk to me but I just stormed off.  I was too angry and I didn’t have the headspace to calm down and have a civil conversation.  I didn’t want to snap at her or take anything out her, not after we fixed everything yesterday.  I could hardly sleep last night, not because of the situation with Betsy but because I couldn’t stop thinking about Carla’s arms around me, her hands on me.  It drove me to distraction.

 

I came to Underworld later, when I was a bit calmer, on the pretence of seeing Betsy but really, I just wanted to see Carla.  And that’s when it all kicked off.  I told her about the complaint and that I thought it was Kit and Daisy.  She already told me the other day that she thought Kit was after my job and I know she’s right.  He absolutely is.  I ranted about overambitious coppers.  I mean, I was one once but I would NEVER have done that to somebody.  Never!

 

Then Betsy chimed in with her sarcasm about my lie from this morning, prompting me to make my escape.  I’d only wanted to see Carla, to seek some kind of peace for a few moments amid my awful day.  I know nothing can ever happen between us and I know that’s right but I find so much comfort in her.  Just her smile, her little jokes, her kindness.  Sometimes she is the only good thing about my day.  Often, actually.

 

But then she hit me with it.  She’d told Betsy the truth about the accident.  She told her!  I still can’t quite believe she broke my confidence like that, although I get it.  Now.  I did not get it when she told me.  I was fucking livid.  I really laid into her.  Everything just came pouring out about how betrayed I felt.  I was so angry.  I’ve been confused by Carla, I’ve been hurt by her, I’ve been irritated and frustrated by her but this is the first time I’ve been angry.  Furious, in fact.

 

She explained that Betsy thought I’d killed Joel and that it was her fault.  I was still raging, yelling at her that she’d stepped over the line.  Betsy insisted she was glad that Carla had been honest with her.  I tried to send her away.  I wanted to scream at Carla in private.  But she refused.  She stayed put.  And Carla… you know, she didn’t once shout back.  She was so calm.  She just closed the doors for privacy.  Explained her reasoning.  And I know it was to help me, help us.  I do know that.

 

When Betsy broke down and admitted that she had made the complaint, she gave us her office so we could talk properly.  It was the most heartfelt conversation we’ve had in a long time.  We both cried.  All of Betsy’s grief came out about losing Becky, her fears about losing me.  It was a shock, in a weird way.  All this time, I haven’t even known if she’s cared enough about me to be bothered if something happened to me.  Now, I know she’s scared every time I go to work.  And I don’t really know what to do with that.  I can’t quit my job.  DS Swain is who I am.  It’s part of my DNA. 

 

I love Betsy.  I love being her Mum (most of the time) but I love being a police officer.  I’m good at it.  It’s probably the only thing I am good at.  I’m certainly a better Detective than I am a mother, let’s face it.  I like helping people.  I can’t give it up.  I can’t walk away from it.  I just can’t.  So, Betsy and I are going to have to communicate.  We’re going to have to live together, work around that fear and grief somehow and make it work.  And maybe now, now I know that she actually loves me, which I genuinely wasn’t sure about before – I hate admitting that – I can help her do that.  We can help each other.

 

I basically spent the afternoon wrapping up a lot of loose ends.  I had another meeting with Costello and explained that it was Betsy who had made the complaint and why.  I confessed to the car accident, which didn’t impress him but it’s all documented now.  They still have to go through my phones and everything because the complaint has been officially logged but he’s confident there’s no case to answer and it’ll all be forgotten about within a couple of weeks.  In the meantime, I’m taking some well overdue annual leave and my plan is to spend as much time with Betsy as I can.  Maybe even some time with Carla, if she’ll have me?

 

I apologised to Kit and I will apologise to Daisy as soon as I see her.  My priority really, was to apologise to Carla.  I was so out of order to her and she truly didn’t deserve it.  At least Kit’s a prick to me a lot of the time and Daisy… well, she’s a snarky cow.  Carla’s lovely.  So, so lovely.

 

When I went to pick Betsy up, I came to see Carla too.  She wasn’t best pleased to see me, understandably.  Sarcastic and guarded.  Ugh.  I really went for her.  I feel so bad.  I really need to make it up to her.    But I did apologise, amid Betsy winding the situation up pretty gleefully.  Carla shut her down and even sent Bobby away so our family business was kept private.  She accepted my apology and accepted my invitation to interfere in my life whenever she wanted.  I meant it.  She’s great with Betsy.  She’s great at talking to her and Betsy clearly respects her.  She certainly respects her more than she respects me!  I just hope I can make things right with her – properly.  She deserved a lot better than she got today.  She was only looking out for us. She’s always only looking out for us.

 

Carla

 

1^st November 2024

9:30pm

 

What a bloody day!  I’ll give you one guess as to why!

 

So, it started irritating, with the boys hassling me about the night that Joel died, then Bobby blathering on about me always being soft on Betsy.  If that boy moans at me one more time…!  If he had any idea what that kid has had to deal with in her life, even he wouldn’t resent her hanging out in my office and having a bit of space from time to time.  I know she’s cheeky.  I know she’s downright badly behaved a times.  But she’s a good kid at heart.  She’s got the weight of the world on her shoulders half the time and she’s only sixteen years old.  She’s lost her Mum.  She’s terrified of losing her other Mum.  And I can’t even contemplate that thought.  Because if she loses Lisa, so do I and I can’t… I just can’t.  I’m in too deep now.  I adore her.  I adore them both.  And I know it’s not the relationship I want to have.  I know she doesn’t want me, not like that.  But she’s my friend.  She’s my best friend these days.  She’s the person I want to share everything with, spend all my time with.  The thought of losing her, something happening to her… no.  I can’t even think about it.

 

So, I spent most of the day with Betsy.  She was in a right mood this morning and took it out on pretty much everyone.  I separated her from the rest of the staff, got her to do some work in my office instead, which I’m sure thrilled Bobby.  I coaxed the problem out of her – Lisa had come up with some other shit excuse as to how she got those bruises.  As soon as she mentioned them again, all I could think about was seeing her yesterday, touching her.  But I did well to focus.  And I told her in no uncertain terms that her mother did not kill Joel.  She demanded to know how I knew for sure.  I tried to fob her off with the usual kind of thing – I know your Mum, she would never do that etc. but she didn’t buy it.  In the end, I had to tell her.  I had to.  I had no choice.

 

I tried to head Lisa off at the pass.  I found her outside the pub.  I tried to tell her.  But she was absolutely raging about something else (a complaint she believed Kit and Daisy had made about her for harassment) at the time and wouldn’t speak to me.  So, when she came to see me and Betsy later, I had to confess.

 

She was absolutely livid.

 

Honestly, I have never seen her so angry.  Certainly not at me.  It was awful.  It was kind of hot too.  But mostly, it was awful.  She just kept raging at me that she had trusted me, I’d crossed a line, come between her and her daughter, I had no right.  I swear, if it had been anyone else, I would have lost my temper.  I’ve swung for people for less.  But it was Lisa.  How could I shout at Lisa?  I could hear all the grief and guilt and pain in her voice.  She was screaming at me in fury but it wasn’t that.  I know it wasn’t that.  It was so much more.  It was heartbreak.  It was the loss of her wife.  It was the disconnect with her daughter.  It was the fear of what happened to her that she’s been keeping a secret for a month.  It was all of that and more. 

 

So I just let her shout.  I let her get it out of her system.  I closed the doors for privacy.  Then when Betsy stood up for me, expressed gratitude for my honesty and then confessed that it had actually been her who had made the complaint in a bid to stop her Mum working, to try and protect her, I left them to talk properly.  And according to Betsy, they genuinely did.  She poured her heart out to her Mum, like she had to me – her fear that one day, just like Becky, Lisa won’t come home.  That she’ll see a police officer approaching to deliver the news that Lisa is gone and she’s all by herself in the world.  She’s terrified every day that Lisa has a shift.

 

And I know Lisa can’t give up work for that.  DS Swain is who she is.  It’s part of her.  It means something.  But perhaps now they’ve had that conversation… she’ll be more careful?  Perhaps now she knows how much Betsy loves her, needs her, wants her around, she’ll think twice before she throws herself into danger like she does.  I think about that conversation we had the other week, often.  I worry about her.  I worry that that she doesn’t love herself enough, care enough about her life, to protect herself.  Maybe now that they’ve talked properly, she’ll think twice.  She told me that she wondered if something happened to her, it wouldn’t be the worst thing.  Well, Betsy’s made it clear to her that it would be.  And one day, maybe I’ll get to tell her the same.  As a friend, obviously.

 

She left without speaking to me again but she stopped by to apologise for her behaviour when she came to collect Betsy and take her home.  It turned out that she’d done quite a lot of soul searching.  She’s taken a few weeks annual leave, with a view to her and Betsy spending some proper time together, which can only be a good thing for them both.  She sincerely apologised to me and even told me I can interfere in her life whenever I like.

 

I’m feeling a little cautious around her.  She really did lose her temper and it was a side of her that I’ve not seen before and don’t wish to see again.  I mean, I know she can be feisty, all five foot nothing of her.  I’m no stranger to losing my temper either, although I have definitely mellowed over the years, I think.  A few years ago, I would have scrapped with her in the Street.  Well, not her.  Someone else.  Definitely not her.  Not Lisa. That’s the thing.  She can be a stroppy mare.  She can even shout at me.  I don’t care.  I still adore her.  I still want to protect her and make her world a better place.  Plus, she really was kind of hot when she was angry. There was a point when she tried to send Betsy away so she could have it out with me and I am so glad Betsy refused to leave a) because they needed to talk but b) because I’m not sure I would have been able to stop myself doing something wholly inappropriate.

 

Yeah.  I’ve really got it bad, haven’t I?

 

Next time... Lisa is arrested, Lisa and Betsy connect, Carla goes out of her way for Lisa more than once...

Chapter 23: Prime Suspect

Carla

 

2^nd November 2024

11:45am

 

Lisa just left.  It was kind of strange because I never usually see her on a weekend.  But she turned up about an hour ago with flowers, chocolates and a little ‘sorry’ card.  She said she hardly slept last night because she felt so guilty for shouting at me yesterday.  I nearly melted at her feet.  I mean, does anyone cuter than her actually exist?  She didn’t sleep because she shouted at me?  And she bought flowers (not cheap Dev flowers either, they were EXPENSIVE) and really nice chocolates, posh ones.  And the card is really cute.  She didn’t write much in it.  Just that she was sorry for yesterday and she really hopes I can forgive her and we can go back to how we were.

 

I invited her in for coffee (and chocolate).  She said things feel a bit better with Betsy.  They’re going to the cinema later, which feels like progress.  They’ve promised to really try and spend some proper time together over the next few weeks.

 

I hope I will get to spend a bit of time with her too.

 

Lisa

 

2^nd November 2024

19:45

 

I’ve actually had a really nice day today.  I got up and went out relatively early for a day off.  I bought Carla a card, agonised what to write in it and also bought her some chocolates and some flowers.  Then when it felt like a decent enough time (half ten), I knocked. 

 

She was all casual, not like I’ve seen her before.  Just in joggers and a t-shirt, not her usual posh clothes.  She looked gorgeous.  And very surprised to see me.  I don’t tend to knock on her door on a Saturday morning.  And things finished a little bit awkward between us last night.  But that’s why I needed to apologise properly.

 

She seemed really pleased with my efforts.  She cooed over the card and flowers and even invited me for coffee and to share some of her chocolates.  I stayed for about an hour and made sure I only had a couple of chocolates.  They were for her, after all.  We had a nice chat and things feel a lot more comfortable between us.  I’m hoping that as well as spending time with Betsy over the next few weeks, I might get the chance to see a bit of Carla too.  Perhaps go for dinner or drinks or something.  Rekindle the friendship we had.

 

This afternoon, I took Betsy for Nando’s and the cinema, where she then ate her weight in snacks.  I have no idea where she puts it!  But we had a really nice time together and she even suggested we do something together tomorrow.  I am getting seriously spoilt!

 

Carla

 

4^th November 2024

9:13pm

 

She called me her mate.  ‘You’re such a good mate’, she said.  And I am.  I am a good mate.  We’re mates.  I shouldn’t be upset.  She was saying something nice to me.  Complimenting me.  But really, it just rammed home that I do not want to be her mate.  I mean, I don’t even need to write her name anymore, do I?  Of course I’m writing about Lisa.

 

I bumped into her in the café this morning.  Her WiFi was out at home, so she was holed up at Roy’s, desperately trying to get tickets to some festival that she knew Betsy wanted to go to.  I mean, firstly, the thought of Lisa at a festival absolutely cracked me up.  She just doesn’t seem like the camping type.  I mean, I’m not the camping type!  Give me a hotel with a floor and ceiling and walls any day.  The more luxurious the better.  No way would you get me camping.

 

But it was clearly important to Lisa.  To do something special for Betsy.  With Betsy.  So, I grabbed us a coffee each and brought her to the factory where she could use my WiFi and get a bit of peace away from the hustle and bustle of the café.

 

We had a lovely morning, actually.  We sat very happily together, me working and Lisa playing refresh roulette for the tickets.  We chatted and had a laugh.  It was so easy, so comfortable.

 

When Betsy poked her head round the door, she was a bit puzzled as to why Lisa was there.  I made excuses, of which the sum total was pretty much, ‘none of your business’, and I sent her off to get her some lunch.  Lisa likes kebabs?!  Kebabs?!  And Irn Bru!  I thought she was classy!  She looks classy.  Her taste in food has genuinely astounded me.  We did have a good laugh about it though.  I hardly knew what to say when she said she liked it the ‘dirtier and nastier the better’.  Honestly!  I don’t think she has any idea the effect she has on me sometimes!  But that’s probably a good thing.  I don’t want to lose her.

 

I ordered sushi.  The face she pulled at the idea of raw fish cracked me right up!  She needs teaching!  But that’s the thing.  I just love learning these little details about her.  What she likes.  What she doesn’t like.  It’s like I’m storing everything up in my mind, trying to think of little ways I can make her happy.

 

Anyway, she never got her lunch in the end.  She was called into work before Betsy got back.  They’d finished with her phones and were ready to give them back, so she dashed off to collect them.  I know using Betsy’s old one (which is pretty bloody new for a teenager who has her bill paid by her Mum), is pissing her off.  Unfortunately, that put paid to her getting the tickets.  She left her laptop behind, closed.  So I ended up sat at my desk with my own laptop open, playing refresh roulette myself, while also trying to work, in order to bag the tickets for her.

 

I nearly got caught out by Betsy, so I quickly let her skive off work early.  She was surprised but delighted.  Then early evening, I arranged to meet up with Lisa at The Bistro.  Her happy mood had completely dissipated.  Apparently during the scan of her phones, they’d found some kind of unsent, angry message to Joel.  I mean, it was unsent for fuck’s sake!  She was warning him somewhat aggressively away from Betsy, after everything that happened between them.  But she didn’t send it.  I mean, surely it doesn’t mean anything?  And besides, she was in the bloody hospital with cracked ribs on the night he was killed.  I’m sure she’s got nothing to worry about but Kit lording it over her, pissed her off, understandably.

 

Then she realised that she’d messed up getting the tickets.  So I was thrilled to tell her that I’d got them.  At first, she was really confused.  She thought I’d got tickets for myself.  Then when she realised what I’d done, that I’d spent my afternoon getting tickets for her and Betsy, she was so thrilled and so grateful.  I honestly could have gazed at that excited look on her face forever.  She was lit up at how happy Betsy was going to be.  I pretended I wanted brownie points with Betsy but it’s not true.  I just wanted to make Lisa happy.  That’s all I seem to want these days.  To make her happy.  I feel like a smitten bloody teenager.  Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I had a full blown crush on someone.  I mean, I’ve fancied plenty of people.  I’ve wanted them.  It was excruciating for a while with Peter before we got together, both of us wanting each other but not being able to have each other.  Same with Liam.  But this… this is different.  She doesn’t feel the same as me.  She’s made that abundantly clear.  And normally, that would put me right off.  I’d immediately lose interest and abandon the project.  Not that, to be honest, it’s happened to me very often in my life.  Hardly ever, actually.  I want a man.  I have the man.  I know that makes me sound really arrogant and I’m not trying to be.  It’s just factual.

 

But with Lisa, it’s different.  Is it because she’s a woman?  I don’t know.  She’s just… unique.  Complex.  The fact that she’s not interested doesn’t stop me wanting her.  I cannot turn it off.  I cannot stop wanting her.  And my crush has got so big now that I’ll take any scraps she offers me now.  Any hug, any arm squeeze, any laugh, any eye contact, anything.  I just want to spend time with her.  If all I can be her friend, that’s fine.  As long as I get something.  It’s like I need her in my life.  I do need her in my life.  She’s such a beautiful person, and I don’t just mean physically now.  I mean inside.  She is so incredibly beautiful.  My life is richer for her being in it.  I really do need her.

 

Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent.  She was so grateful for the tickets.  She initiated the hug this time.  I just kind of fell into it, so delighted to be in her arms.  But then we remembered her ribs – because they hurt.  The last hug, we’d been really careful and cautious.  We were hugging because of what had happened to her.  This one was so much more spontaneous and joyful.  So we just grabbed and squeezed and then she winced.  But she didn’t run this time.  We just kind of squeaked about her ribs and settled back down.

 

That’s when she thanked me and told me I was ‘such a good mate’.  I accepted the praise.  But I hate the confirmation of exactly how she sees me.  I want her to see me as more.  I want to be so much more.  But honestly, I’ll take what I can get.  To sit and have a drink with her, have a laugh with her, a hug.  That makes my heart happy.  It makes my heart so happy.

 

What hasn’t made my heart happy was coming home to Ryan, completely down in the dumps.  So, this friendship he’s had recently with Kit was all Kit manipulating information out of him about Daisy so he could get her into bed!  I knew he was a bastard.  And the way he was with Lisa today, as well...  Lisa is hoping they pass him over for the promotion he is desperate for.  I hope they bloody demote him!

 

Lisa

 

4^th November 2024

22:42

 

Today has been a mixed bag of a day.  I should be in a terrible mood.  And I am feeling pretty anxious, if I’m honest.  I could be in some serious trouble at work.  I was summoned in today.  I thought they were just going to give me my phones back.  But then Kit, somewhat smugly informed me that in the trawl through my phone, they found an unsent, threatening text to Joel.  I remember writing it.  I should have just deleted it.  I don’t know why I didn’t, especially after he went missing.  I just forgot about it, what with everything that happened. 

 

Kit demanded an alibi.  I told him about the car accident, which thankfully I’d already told Costello about.  He just as smugly told me that I was discharged before Joel was killed.  I mean, does he really think I was run over, cracked my ribs, left hospital and then went out and killed a bloke?  Is he a police officer or a shit crime writer?

 

I don’t see how I can actually get into any trouble for this.  Kit’s a prick but I’m fairly sure he’s competent.  I’ve got proof of my injuries.  He can’t be so thick that he thinks I could have hurt myself that badly and then have killed someone.  Surely?  And even if he does, nobody else on the team is that stupid.  I’m not in trouble, right?

 

Oh, and I tried to make things up with Dee Dee this morning and she basically told me to fuck off.

 

Anyway, aside from that, I actually did have a good day.  I spent most of it with Carla.  So yeah, a good day.  Any day with Carla in it can’t possibly be bad.  She rescued me trying to get festival tickets, camped out in the café because our WiFi went down this morning.  After she took the right piss out of me for going to said festival.  Honestly, she thought it was hysterical!  I think I’m a bit more suited to that kind of environment than she is!  I reckon she’s a right princess!  You can’t plug hair straighteners into a tent, can you?!  Not that I don’t use them every day…

 

Carla took me off to Underworld so I could use her WiFi and it was lovely.  She worked.  I tried and failed to get the tickets.  We chatted.  We laughed.  I know we’ve had a couple of blips in the last few weeks but I genuinely feel so comfortable and safe around her.  Betsy was curious as to why I was there so Carla packed her off to get lunch, prompting a huge debate over kebabs and sushi!  Honestly, she makes me laugh so much.  But she can definitely keep her raw fish to herself.  Yuck!

 

I never got my kebab because I got called to the station but I met up with Carla at The Bistro afterwards and she very kindly let me rant about Kit and the accusations and everything.  And then she told me that she’d bought me and Betsy the festival tickets because she didn’t want me to miss them.  The woman was busy working all day and yet she spent her afternoon getting us tickets.  She wouldn’t even take any money for them – and they were not cheap!  I tried every which way to get her bank details but she refused to give them to me.  Just said they were a gift and I could treat her to something else another time.  A thrill went through me at the idea of us spending more time together, of this friendship continuing.

 

She seemed so delighted that she’d done something so good.  I was so grateful.  I pulled her into a hug, which was great until my ribs screamed at me.  She was so lovely though.  She put her hand really gently on my side, checking me.  Honestly, I could have kissed her.  Again.  Why do I always want to kiss her every time she comes near me?  I mean, I know why.  Obviously.  But I made sure she knew that I knew we were just friends.  We’re getting close again and I just don’t want anything to go wrong this time.  I don’t want her to think that I’ve got feelings for her or to feel uncomfortable about that.  I’d never do anything.  I’d never take advantage.  She’s straight.  I know that.  I understand it.  I accept it.  I just want to be really clear with boundaries this time.  I can’t bear for anything to go wrong.  I can’t lose her.  It would break my heart.

 

Lisa

 

11^th November 2024

13:30

 

I’ve decided I’m going to get drunk.  I have very little else to do today and well, why the hell not?  Betsy and I were meant to be going out this afternoon and she’s just ditched me by text.  She had a better offer.  So, yeah. Gin is calling me all the way from The Rovers.

 

I’ve spent most of the morning at Roy’s Rolls.  It was lovely actually.  Carla came by to have coffee with me.  It was lovely to see her.  It’s always lovely to see her.  I’m trying to be positive about the investigation.  I’m certainly trying to sound more positive than I feel but the longer it’s taking for them to let me know that I’m in the clear, the more anxious I’m feeling.  I haven’t let onto Betsy about anything but Carla’s been an amazing confidante.  It’s been lovely meeting up with her over the last week, dinner and drinks and everything.  She’s so easy to talk to, so much fun.  And also someone I know I can confide in.  She even said today that for as long as I’m off work, she’s around for company and that means a lot to me.  I love spending time with her.  She really has become my best friend.

 

Unfortunately, she’s working for the rest of day so I shall have to go and drink gin by myself.  Maybe she can join me after work, although it’s possible that getting drunk around her isn’t the best idea.  Last time, I cried and nearly kissed her.  I’m not entirely sure I trust myself with too much alcohol in my system.  I don’t want to make a fool of myself a second time.

 

Carla

 

11^th November 2024

11:56pm

 

Lisa’s been arrested for Joel’s murder.  I don’t know how the fuck this has happened.  I’m so frightened for her and so fucking angry.  I could have swung for that Kit, the smug bastard.  Sat there in the pub enjoying a fucking hot pot while my Lisa was in a cell for no good reason.  She hasn’t done anything wrong!  Nothing!  She’s a good person.  She’s the kindest, gentlest person I’ve ever met.  She’s right up there with Roy.  Roy Cropper!  If that isn’t an accolade, I have no idea what is.  How the hell can that beautiful, incredible woman be spending the night in a bloody cell?  How?!  She’s a copper.  A bloody good one at that.  The most honest one I’ve ever met.  This is actually fucking offensive.

 

The day started so nicely, as well.  I was at work early but then I got a text from Lisa, asking me if I fancied a coffee.  We’ve been spending loads of time together this week and honestly, I’ve loved every second.  We’ve had dinner and drinks almost every night.  She keeps insisting on paying because I bought those tickets.  I tried to keep declining but she’s pretty insistent when she wants to be.  She’s been spending lots of time with Betsy too, which is good.  That’s why she took the time off, although the kid isn’t making herself as available as she said she would, I don’t think and I think Lisa has been a little disappointed with that.

 

Lisa hasn’t told her about the investigation.  She hasn’t wanted to frighten her or make her feel guilty because it was Betsy’s complaint that allowed the police access to her phone in the first place.  I love how much thought Lisa puts into everything, how sensitive she is, how protective she is, how much she cares.  I find it very beautiful.

 

I made it clear that I am definitely available for company going forward and she seemed pleased with that.  I’m happy that she wants to continue spending time together.  That awkwardness we had a few weeks ago, seems to have vanished now and I am so relieved.  She means the world to me and I just want to spend all the time with her that I can.  I’ll even go bloody line dancing with her if she wants me to!  Oh, she was really naughty in the café as well.  Sally came over, complaining to her about Mason Radcliffe stealing her engagement ring.  She just kept smirking at me, while she redirected her to Kit.  Really made me laugh.

 

But then the day turned to shit.  So, Dee Dee went to the police and confessed to hitting Joel with a crowbar.  Apparently, he was planning on going on the run.  Presumably why she was so adamant that he didn’t kill himself.  She hit him out of self defence.  It was past lunch time and the rabble were doing my head in so I went to work at the café.  Ed came in and told Roy and I what had happened.  That Dee Dee insists he was alive when she left him, that she’s been beside herself ever since.  She regrets hurting him.  It probably explains that mood she’s been in ever since he died.  It’s not been like her at all.

 

Obviously, my first thought was Lisa.  My first thought always seems to be Lisa these days.  But I know, as much as she’s been trying to play it down, that she’s been stressed out of her head about the investigation.  So, I tracked her down to the pub to tell her about Dee Dee.  I wasn’t expecting her to be pissed out of her head on gin.  It was barely three o’clock!  She was very merry and kind of flirty, actually, which threw me a little bit.  I couldn’t even flirt bat because I was so stressed and needed to talk to her so urgently.  Bad timing, I guess.  Maybe when all of this is said and done, we need to get drunk again.  Or maybe we don’t.  I mean, look what happened before.  I’d hate to risk losing her again.  She means too much to me.

 

I was in the middle of telling her about Dee Dee, when suddenly bloody Kit charged in and arrested her for Joel’s murder!  Right in the middle of the pub.  In front of everyone.  No dignity, no privacy, nothing.  I mean, what a bastard.  How could he do that to his colleague like that?  My Lisa?  I could easily have got myself arrested.  I wanted to swing for him, I was so outraged.  I wanted to cry, looking at her shocked, devastated face, as she tried to figure out what was happening to her.  At least he didn’t put her in handcuffs.  That would have been terrible.

 

All I could do was followed them outside, do my best to reassure her that everything would be okay, that I was here for her.  I stood there for ages, watching the car disappear.  I was there long after they’d left.  And then I spent the rest of the day, stressing and worrying about her, about Betsy.  I had no idea what to do to help.  She didn’t call me or anything, so I guess she found alternative arrangements for her.  I would have helped if she’d have needed me to.  I kind of wanted her to ask.  Kind of.

 

I’ve not been able to settle all evening.  I tried to galvanise Roy and Ed into some kind of help, some kind of action.  I guess, to be fair, Roy was the wrong audience.  Why would he want to help save Lisa from being arrested for a crime she didn’t commit?  He didn’t think there would be anything we could do anyway.

 

Ed happened to mention that Joel left with a suitcase, when he and Dee Dee fought.  And now my brain won’t stop ringing.  When I saw Max and Lauren that night, they were putting a suitcase into the boot of the car.  I asked them about it.  That was when Lauren told me she was running away, leaving Frankie behind – because she was scared of Joel.  I thought it was bullshit at the time.  No way would that girl leave Frankie behind.  She’s been by his side every moment of the day since he was born.  She adores him.  But I let it go.  I offered to phone Lisa.  I was worried for her, worried about her feeling so unsafe.  Then when it transpired that Joel was dead, I knew.  I knew what had happened.  And even as I saw Lisa killing herself to investigate, I still didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to make Lauren’s life worse.  It’s been hard enough already.  I didn’t want to make it harder.  I was wavering because of the investigation, the last week or so but Lisa kept telling me that it was fine, they had nothing on her and obviously, we both know she didn’t do anything wrong. 

 

But now… now everything is different.  Lisa is in a cell.  She’s being accused of murder.  And I’m so wired, I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep a wink for thinking about her.  I’ve got to talk to those kids tomorrow. I’ve got to save my Lisa.  I’ve got to find out the truth.

 

Carla

 

12^th November 2024

10:45pm

 

Max has been charged with Joel’s murder.  And most importantly, my Lisa is free.  She’s currently safe at home with Betsy and all is right with the world again.  For the most part.  I mean, we’re pretty sure that it was either Lauren or Lauren and Max.  But she was definitely involved.  The whole thing is so bloody tragic.  I hate that she was driven to that.  I hate that she felt so unsafe that she killed him rather than waiting for justice.  But I get it.  I get the pain of waiting for justice that never comes.

 

Lisa was held in a cell overnight.  She told me bits about it, how awful it was, how frightening, how humiliating.  Craig and other colleagues kept sneaking her extra cups of tea with biscuits and treats.  They were clearly horrified that she was there.  And I hope it goes to show her how popular she actually is at work.  Sometimes, the way she talks, it’s like she feels she has no friends, that nobody likes her.  And I just have no idea how that could be possible.

 

I was up and out early and on a mission to track Max and Lauren down.  I missed them and ended up in the café but I’m glad because I’d only been there a short while when Lisa turned up with Betsy.  I had to physically stop myself from throwing myself into Lisa’s arms.  I was just so bloody happy to see her.  Lisa played everything down until she sent Betsy off to college but then admitted to me that she was worried about getting charged.  Basically, the police found the murder weapon – a rock – and her CS spray was with it.  She has no idea how.  She thought she’d dropped it or it had been taken when she was hit by the car.  She couldn’t report it because she didn’t report the accident.  Then she went on leave.  She was just going to sort it all out when she went back to work.  She was so stressed.  I just wanted to take her into my arms and keep her safe.  But I think it was one of those situations where if I’d done that, I would have broken down all her defences and she didn’t need that.  I know she needed to be strong today.  She needed to cope.  She was even starting to think that someone was setting her up.

 

I hated leaving her but I had to plough on with my mission.  I had to do everything I could to save her.  I made up a lie about work, promising that I wasn’t going to let her end up in trouble.  Then I went to the hospital and confronted Max and Lauren.  They lied to my face about what happened with Joel.  I don’t blame them, really.  They’re scared kids.  I saw Lauren waver when I told her that Lisa was in trouble.  I know she values everything Lisa has done for her.  But she still stuck fast to her story.  So did Max. 

 

And then I did something I never thought I’d do.  Maybe it’s all this time I’ve been spending with DS Swain!  But they were clearly not going to go to the police and tell the truth.  So, I had to.  I had to.  I felt terrible doing it but Kit already has a vendetta against Lisa; he wants her job, if nothing else.  If he could pin Joel’s death on her, he absolutely would.  And I can’t lose her.  I can’t.

 

I went round to Dee Dee’s to tell her what had happened, what I’d done.  It felt respectful, as Joel’s ex, as the person who has been looking out for Lauren and also, as a solicitor.  I needed the reassurance that I’d done the right thing.  I was surprised to find Lisa at the flat with her.  I thought they’d fallen out.  But I was glad she was there because she’d been my next port of call anyway.  I’d almost gone to find her first, only I knew I wanted to spend the rest of the day with her if I could so it would take longer.

 

Dee Dee confirmed that suitcase I saw was Joel’s, based on the description.  She and Lisa had been trying to go through Lisa’s movements on the day Joel was killed, trying to work out how her CS spray could have ended up with the murder weapon.  Once I mentioned Lauren, Lisa remembered that she’d gone to the hospital.  Lauren could easily have lifted it from her bag. 

 

Lisa called Kit round and then practically dragged him to the hospital, despite now being suspended from work.  He was very keen to point out that she shouldn’t be involved in the investigation.  She basically told him to fuck off, as did Dee Dee and I when we followed in my car.  I mean, as if we weren’t going to follow things through.  Neither Max nor Lauren were at the hospital anyway.  The foster carer was sat there, waiting for her.

 

Lisa was summoned to The Bistro by Betsy.  She was clearly stressed by what happened to her Mum the night before.  I assumed she’d want me to leave them to it but outside, Lisa caught hold of my hand, not wanting me to leave her.  I gave them some privacy and spoke to David at the bar.  I told him what has happened with Max and Lauren and he tried and failed to call him.  Lisa called me over to have lunch with her and Betsy.  I felt a bit like I was intruding on time between mother and daughter.  I couldn’t tell if Betsy wanted me to get lost or not, although she didn’t verbally object and she’s not exactly backwards in coming forwards when she dislikes something.  But Lisa seemed to want me there and that meant a lot to me.

 

By the time we got back to Dee Dee’s, Max had handed himself into the police for Joel’s murder.  Lauren turned up to speak to us.  She denied any involvement.  Dee Dee clearly felt sorry for her.  It was me and Lisa, the hard arses that didn’t believe a word of it.  Because it was absolute bollocks.  I feel sorry for the kid but she’s absolutely lying.  I know she is.  And my compassion has waned considerably since she let Lisa spend the night locked up in her own nick.  It’s cruel.  Lisa has worked so hard for her, put her own career at risk for her.  It’s not okay.  It’s just not okay.

 

I walked Lisa to her car.  I would have liked to have taken her out for dinner or at least a drink but she had to get back to Betsy.  We’ve said we’ll definitely meet up later this week though.  At the car, I asked her if she was alright and she just collapsed into my arms.  I held her until she stopped crying.  I think it was relief, as much as anything.  I think she was genuinely terrified that Kit was going to charge her with murder.  I was genuinely terrified.  She recovered, wiped her eyes, apologised profusely.  I assured her she had nothing to apologise for.  I made sure I kept my hands to myself.  I didn’t want to get into the same situation as last time I comforted her.  It’s not like my feelings have gone away.  I could easily have stroked her hair, gazed into her eyes.  Kissed her.  I could definitely have kissed her.  But I respect that she doesn’t want that.  Doesn’t want me.

 

She thanked me for everything I’d done for her, for devoting my day to proving her innocence.  I dismissed it, said I’d do it for anyone.  Then I backtracked.  I wouldn’t do it for just anyone.  I did it for her because I care about her, because she’s important to me, because I couldn’t sleep last night for thinking of her locked up in a cell.  I felt like she needed to know that, needed to know how much I think of her, how special she is.  Her cheeks went kind of rosy and she gave me this shy smile.  She thanked me really quietly and squeezed both my hands.  She told me that I was her best friend and I meant the world to her.  Then she got into her car before I could say anything back.

 

Lisa

 

12^th November 2024

23:32

 

It’s been an insane couple of days.  I’m not sure I even know where to start.  From the beginning?  Bullet points?

• Max has been charged with Joel’s murder
• I’m pretty sure it was actually Lauren who did it, or she at least helped
• I was arrested for it first and spent a night in a cell
• Carla turned into a Detective for a day to prove that it wasn’t me
• She told me she didn’t sleep the night I was locked up and that she cares about me and I’m really important to her
• I told her she’s my best friend and she means the world me

 

So yeah, the last time I wrote, I’d decided to get drunk in the pub.  That turned out not to be a good idea because little did I know, Kit was on his way to bloody arrest me.  Right there in the middle of the pub, in front of everyone.  For fucking murder!  Joel Deering’s murder.  Like I would throw my life away and Betsy’s life on that scumbag.  I believe in justice.  I’ve devoted my whole life to justice.  I don’t believe in vengeance.  Never have.  Never will.  It’s pissed me off no end that someone decided to cave the bloke’s head in before we could get him in front of a judge.  There was so much evidence stacked up against him that there was no chance we wouldn’t get a guilty verdict.  Not even he could weasel his way out of it.  No way.

 

I was in the middle of a conversation with Carla when Kit turned up.  She’d come to tell me that Dee Dee had confessed to the police that on the night Joel died, she had hit him in self defence with a crowbar.

 

Oh shit. 

 

I think I flirted with Carla.

 

Or tried to.

 

When she came to speak to me, I was several gins down.  She was trying to get me to focus and she just looked so gorgeous.  I was trying to get her to drink with me and my defences were down.  Because of the gin.  And I just wanted to spend time with her.  I was so excited to see her.  Shit.  Well, she hasn’t mentioned it.  Maybe she didn’t notice.

 

She came out to the police car with me.  She was so angry with Kit, so protective of me.  She was amazing.  It meant so much that she cared.  She just kept promising to do anything I needed her to, trying to reassure me that everything would be okay.

 

I was dragged through interviews.  They’d found my CS spray with the murder weapon, a rock that had struck Joel on the head.  I could kick myself now.  I thought I’d lost the spray when I was hit by the car.  I was going to sort it all out when I went back to work.  I didn’t report it straight away because then I would have had to admit what happened.  But once Costello knew, I figured I should get it sorted.  But I wasn’t on duty, so I figured it wasn’t urgent.  If only I’d got onto it, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.  Or maybe it bloody would have.  Kit has had it in for me since the moment he strolled into that police station.  Lanky git.

 

He kept banging on about me having no alibi.  I kept pointing out the lunacy of the idea that I could have been run over and then committed murder.  I know Joel wasn’t massive but he was bloody bigger than me.  My own daughter’s bigger than me!  I’m not weak by any stretch of the imagination but I couldn’t use my arm properly for days after.  Even weeks after, it was difficult.  I’m still bruised now, although it’s a lot better and they’re fading.  It’s the worst injury I’ve ever had and I’ve had some bad ones in the line of duty.

 

He interrogated me yet again about the unsent text to Joel.  He honed in on the inability to track my phone to prove my whereabouts because my phone broke during the accident.  And then he decided he needed to keep me in overnight.  I mean why?  Fucking why?  Because of his ego, that’s why.  He was on a power trip.  It’s fucking disgusting.  There was no need to keep me in.  He barely interviewed me again this morning.  He just ran over the same things.  He could have called me back in this morning.  I’m not a flight risk.  He just did it to be cruel, to let me know that he was in control.  What an absolute bastard.  I will never, ever forgive him for this.  He claims he’s just doing his job but there are ways to treat a colleague and this is not it.  My other colleagues were very nice to me though, I have to admit.  They checked on my constantly, brought me tea and little treats and things.  Especially Craig.  It was very kind of them, even if the whole thing was fucking humiliating.

 

I was stressed about Betsy.  I had one phone call to get her looked after.  I wanted to call her, explain what had happened and reassure her but I couldn’t waste it and not arrange care.  I considered asking Carla to take her.  I know she would have done.  But I felt like it was too much.  So I called my sister instead and she promised to pick her up from college, explain everything.  I really hope Betsy didn’t freak out when she saw her, didn’t think I was dead or something. 

 

We talked this morning.  Betsy flung herself at me, which is rare.  She’d worried all night.  She’s still worried now, even though I’ve assured her that I’m in the clear (because I didn’t bloody do anything) and they’ve charged someone else with Joel’s murder.  But she was so anxious this morning.  I was still anxious this morning.  I had to pack her off to college just so I could breathe.  I didn’t want to be stressed around her.  I didn’t want her to know how I was really feeling.

 

I was so relieved to see Carla this morning in the café, even if it was only briefly.  I confessed to her how scared I was about getting charged and even that I thought someone was setting me up.  I really needed to talk.  I needed comfort.  So I was a bit upset when she vanished.  She insisted she wasn’t going to let anything bad happen to me but then she just left.  Couldn’t get out of the place fast enough.  I thought she was rejecting me but far from it, actually.

 

I stayed in the café, upset and tearful and very anxious.  I ended up going back to Dee Dee’s flat and she helped me try to piece together my movements on the day Joel died.  I just couldn’t figure out how the hell my CS spray could have got anywhere near the murder weapon or anywhere near the place Joel died when I hadn’t been there.  That was until Carla turned up.

 

So, it turned out that on the night of the murder, she had bumped into Max and Lauren, packing a suitcase into the boot of the car.  Joel’s suitcase.  They’d fobbed her off with some story about Lauren running away, which had confused her at the time and she’d since figured out was a load of bollocks.  Of course Lauren wasn’t going to run off and leave Frankie, no matter what Joel was up to, no matter how scared she was.  And that reminded me that I’d gone to the hospital that day to tell Lauren about Joel not turning up to court.  She could easily have lifted the CS spray from my bag.  I’d taken Max aside to ask him about taking Lauren in for the night.  If I left my bag on a chair or something, which would have been easy, as I don’t often carry a bag – I find them annoying – she could have delved in there and grabbed it.  Easy.

 

Carla had already approached Lauren and Max but they’d denied everything.  So, she’d gone to the police.  She clearly felt guilty.  She knows what Lauren has been through with Joel.  But the fact that she would prioritise me and spend her day seeking to defend me and prove my innocence.  That meant a lot. 

 

I called Kit and presented him with my new evidence.  He wasn’t impressed with our new Ladies Detective Agency and was quick to point out that I’m suspended and Carla and Dee Dee are both civilians.  We all still went to the hospital with him, where Lauren failed to turn up to the meeting with the social worker.

 

In the middle of it all, Betsy summoned me to The Bistro.  I felt bad because I’d barely been in touch with her all day and I know she was anxious and stressing after everything that had happened.  Carla was already with me but she hesitated outside, thinking she ought to give me space to see Betsy by myself.  But I took her hand and asked her to come in with me.  She’d been by my side pretty much the whole day and I just didn’t want to do anything without her.  She gave us a bit of space to talk when she saw David at the bar.  She went to speak to him about Max and Lauren.  But then I invited her to join me and Betsy for lunch.  We reassured Betsy that everything was under control and I was perfectly fine.  Carla did a fantastic job of backing me up.  I felt like we were a real team.  She always seems to know what to say and Betsy responds so well to her.  I find her a very calming presence on both of us.

 

By the end of the day, Max had handed himself into the police and I gather he’s been charged with murder.  Lauren came over to Dee Dee’s while Carla and I were both still there.  She denied all knowledge of the murder.  Dee Dee was very soft on her.  I felt like a bitch but I’m not sure I’ll ever completely shake the memories of last night off me.  And Lauren and Max did that to me.  I know it was Joel who started everything but they killed him.  And I’m not feeling in a terribly forgiving mood right now.  I was comforted when I spotted a very sceptical and pissed off look on Carla’s face too.  I love that she has my back on this – and on everything.  I love that she’s angry on my behalf.  I love that she will always look out for me.

 

She walked me to my car.  When she asked me if I was alright, I ended up crying in her arms.  I’d just about held it together all day (after crying pretty much all night in my cell alone), so when she asked, it was like I broke.  She was lovely.  She held me and comforted me.  I could have stayed there forever, standing on the Street, being soothed by her.  I was very well behaved.  I didn’t try and kiss her.  No taking advantage of her kindness.  It’s just friendship between us and that’s how it will stay.  That’s when she told me how much I mean to her.  And I said it back.  Then I got embarrassed and pretty much dashed off.  I hope we can see each other again soon.

 

Lisa

 

13^th November 2024

22:43

 

I spent almost all day with Betsy today.  We spent most of the morning on the sofa.  She was pretty clingy.  I think the last couple of days have shaken her up.  They shook me up too.  More than my head is willing to really explore.

 

Eventually, she decided she was ready to leave me.  One of her mates invited her for a sleepover.  She hesitated for the first time ever but I encouraged her to go.  I dropped her off and then ventured out myself.  I was going to do a shop, try and get some normality back into my life and the cupboards are becoming a bit bare.

 

But then I bumped into David Platt.  He’s going spare, fretting about Max.  I get it.  He started hassling Lauren, who is sticking to her story about not having been involved in Joel’s murder.  I don’t buy it.  I suspect it’s something they’ve cooked up between them to protect Lauren and keep her with Frankie.  Generous on Max’s part?  Maybe.  But ultimately dishonest.  And not how the legal system works.  I don’t care.  I’m over it.  I’m over all of it.

 

I popped into the pub to see Kit.  He’d already ignored my call.  I asked him about his interview with Lauren, wondering why he’d called her back in when he’d already charged Max.  He pretty much shut me down.  But like I said, I don’t give a shit.  And the less time I spend around Kit at the moment, the better.  Every time I see his smug face, I want to punch him.  And I don’t really need to get arrested again right now.  Honestly, if Bex could see me now, she’d be shocked.  Ashamed.  We both worked so bloody hard at our jobs, our careers.  Upholding the law.  It meant everything.  It has always meant everything.  How the hell did I end up in a cell?  Potentially facing a murder charge?

 

I phoned Carla and asked her out for dinner.  I mean, not asked her out.  You know what I mean.  I invited her for dinner.  To say thank you for everything she did for me.  I thought it might be a bit short notice.  She’s a busy woman, what with work and her family and all her friends and everything.  But she accepted straight away.  We went to The Bistro and had a lovely time.  We shared a bottle of wine and I banned all talk of arrests, murders, Joel, Lauren and anything related.  We just had a really nice time together.  We messed around, laughed, shared inconsequential stories.  It was exactly what I needed.  She was exactly what I needed.

 

But now I’m thinking about Becky again.  What would she think of me spending so much time with Carla?  Would she mind that I’ve met someone I think so much of?  Would she mind that I think about her all the time and not always in a friendship way?  Would she mind that she makes me laugh so much?  That I take so much comfort from her hugs, her words, her… her?  Would she mind?  We always said that we gave each other permission to move on.  And I’m not.  I can’t move on with Carla because typically, in three years, the one person I’ve found I’m actually attracted to, is straight.  I know we had that moment last month but I also know, for Carla, it was literally just that.  A moment.  Too much wine, too much emotion.  Even if she was gay, I doubt I’d be her type.  She’s the most incredible woman on earth.  What would she ever see in me?

 

But Becky… oh, Becky.  Would you hate me for the thoughts I have about her sometimes?  That when I’m restless in bed, sometimes my mind wanders?  My fingers?  That when you died, I thought I’d gone with you?  I was still breathing, still putting one foot in front of the other, still working and looking after Betsy but I wasn’t living.  I wasn’t happy.  And now… it’s like Carla’s bringing me back to life.

 

Carla

 

13^th November 2024

11:13pm

 

I just got in from a lovely evening with Lisa.  She called me out of the blue and invited me out.  She treated me to dinner at The Bistro.  I tried to pay.  I would have liked to have spoilt her a bit after everything she’s been through the last few days but she insisted.  She said she wanted to thank me for everything I did.  She said she might be facing a murder charge if it wasn’t for me stepping up.  Well, I’m glad I stuck my nose in that night and spoke to Max and Lauren.  I wish I’d stuck my nose in earlier and told her about it.  Then perhaps she might have figured it all out sooner and it would have saved her that awful night she had.  But at least she’s safe now.  That’s the most important thing.

 

She banned all talk of Joel and everything related to him from conversation.  We just focussed on having a really lovely time.  And we did.  We laughed.  We shared stupid stories.  We bordered between banter and flirtation, which is where we seem to be kind of comfortable these days.  I like it.  I like complimenting her, teasing her and watching her cheeks go pink.  It’s cute.  She’s cute.  And so bloody gorgeous.  I’ve stopped pretending to myself that she’s not the object of my fantasies now.  It’s not the occasional accident in the bath anymore.  It’s almost every night.  I can’t help it.  Every time I see her, I notice something new about her that gets locked into my brain and drives me to distraction.  Tonight, it was how long her fingers are and how she can’t seem to keep them still.  They’re always playing with her wine glass or a coaster or something.  So yeah.  Long fingers.  There’s that to think about now.

 

Next time... don't get dressed...

Chapter 24: Don't Get Dressed

Notes:

So, I am a little nervous about this one but Swarla_Fan has given it her approval! I have changed the rating to Mature, as it turns out Carla wanted to write her diary entry in a bit more detail than I expected...! Hope you enjoy!

Carla

 

20^th November 2024

10:33pm

 

Lisa is currently passed out, drunk on my sofa.  Not quite how I expected my day to end but there we go.  Note to self, don’t let DS Swain drink whisky.  She was bloody funny though.  I might not be able to let her live it down for a while.  And damn, she looked cute when I left her just now.  Ugh!  How can I be swooning over a drunk copper, sleeping on my sofa?!  I’m in way too deep.

 

She seemed fine this morning.  I bumped into her outside Roy’s and we arranged to go for a night out to celebrate her being reinstated at work.  She’s due back in a couple of days.  She’s really excited.  I’ll miss getting to spend so much time with her.  We’ve kind of been inseparable this past week.  Ryan keeps teasing me about it.  How I’ve spent almost every night with her, going for a drink, for a meal.  We even went to the cinema the other night.  We kept going for the popcorn at the same time and I thought I was going to explode every time she touched my hand.  I have no idea what the film was about. 

 

It’s hard to explain but something feels… different between us.  The way she looks at me sometimes, the way she smiles, the way the air feels heavy between us but not in a bad way… I can’t help but wonder (hope?) that maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe she does have feelings for me after all.  I mean, we’re not teenagers.  Do two grown women, even close friends, spend all their time together, text as much as we do?  Flirt?  We’ve definitely moved to the flirting stage.  It’s subtle but it’s there.  Well, it’s subtle when she’s sober.  When she’s drunk, it’s a very different story!

 

After I left her, I went to work.  Everything was normal until I got an urgent call from Ryan.  He told me that Lisa had ‘gone rogue’ and indeed she had.  She was absolutely wasted!  She was tearful.  She was joyful.  She was singing.  She’d dropped her crisps everywhere.  She kept telling me how hot I was.  I’ve got the best cheekbones in the world apparently, gorgeous hair that she’d love to run her hands through and amazing boobs that she finds it hard not to stare at.  She stared at them a lot all evening.  I didn’t mind.  I felt very flattered.  I wonder what she’ll remember tomorrow, if anything.  I won’t tell her if she doesn’t recall.  She’ll be mortified.  But it was nice to feel like she’s attracted to me, even if she was drunk.

 

She kept saying she knew I’d never be interested in her because I’m straight.  And that even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t want her anyway.  I told her that I think she’s amazing and incredibly beautiful.  She cried and hugged me so tight.  I never wanted to let her go.

 

At the point she failed to get a Bohemian Rhapsody singalong going and then tried to start a conga, I decided that it was time to go home.  I couldn’t send her back to her place in a taxi in the state she was in, so I brought her back here.  She was a lot calmer by then.  She’d kind of got to the maudlin stage.  She wanted lager and complained that I didn’t have any.  Another note to self, stock crap lager (and Irn Bru) for Lisa when she visits. 

 

I suggested a nice mug of tea and that’s when it all came tumbling out, why she’d got herself into such a state.  It’s Becky’s birthday today.  And Lisa missed it.  She forgot.  I’m surprised.  With how devoted she still is to her.  How much she loves her.  But it’s also understandable.  She’s been through so much recently with work, with Joel, with Betsy.  She’s been so stressed, out of her mind with worry.  No wonder she’s dropped the ball with some things.  She shouldn’t be beating herself up over it.  And I told her so.  But she was convinced she was a bad wife, a bad mother, a bad everything.  By the time I’d finished reassuring her, brought the tea over, she’d fallen asleep.

 

She looked so cute, so fragile on the sofa.  And so beautiful.  She always looks so beautiful.  I tucked her up with a blanket and settled her for the night.  I hope she sleeps through and gets a decent rest.  She’s going to feel awful in the morning, poor thing.

 

I’ve wrangled Bobby through the door and sent him quietly to his room so he doesn’t disturb her.  I’ve warned him to slip out in the morning quietly so as not to disturb her again if she’s still sleeping.  He was confused as to why DS Swain was sleeping on the sofa.  I just said she’d had a hard day.  Ryan has just messaged to say he’s not coming back tonight.  I assumed he’s hooked up with someone.  Well, good for him!  Nice for some, isn’t it?

 

Carla

 

21^st November 2024

7:12pm

 

How can your heart soar and then break all within the space of one day?

 

She woke up hungover, as expected this morning.  I’d already ushered Bobby out and I was up and dressed and ready for the day.  Lisa was bleary eyed and didn’t even remember me bringing her home.  Most of yesterday was a complete blank.  I couldn’t help but tease her and fill in some of blanks.  I left out some of the more embarrassing bits.  It wasn’t long before she was throwing up in the ensuite.

 

I left her to it and popped out to Roy’s to get her a coffee and some breakfast, which she was grateful for.  I figured she needed the caffeine and the sustenance.  However, what I wasn’t prepared for was for her to have had a shower while I was gone and helped herself to my dressing gown, which was literally all she was wearing when I got back!  Her hair was all wet and tousled.  She looked so small and vulnerable while she sheepishly explained she’d had to shower and still couldn’t remember coming back to mine.  And all I could think was, ‘She’s naked under my dressing gown.  She’s naked under my dressing gown’.

 

She asked if she could stay for a bit, until the alcohol was enough out of her system that she could drive.  I teased her, inviting her to sleep, watch a film, borrow my clothes and my makeup (which she actually did!) and even suggested she could put a wash on for me if she wanted to.  Then I left her to it before I said something inappropriate about her being NAKED UNDER MY DRESSING GOWN!

 

I couldn’t concentrate at work.  All I could think about was Lisa.  Wondering what she was doing, how she was feeling.  What she was wearing.  Then Ryan turned up, feeling pretty chipper after his night of passion with some random.  He was most amused to have come home to find Lisa moisturising her legs!  The image he conjured up did make me laugh.  I wonder who got a bigger shock, her or him!  He was desperate to know if we hooked up.  No!  Of course we didn’t.  She was pissed out of her head.  That would have been completely taking advantage.  I would never do something like that.  Never.  But he kept nudging me, encouraging me to go for it with her.  Ugh.  Why the hell did I listen?

 

No.  No, I don’t regret it.  I can’t regret it.  Even after what’s happened since, I can’t regret it.  Being with Lisa was the best moment of my entire life.  But… I’m getting ahead of myself.

 

I let Ryan’s words sink in.  He kept encouraging me to just go for it and see where things went with Lisa.  So… I did.

 

I went home and let myself in the flat.  She was half dressed – doing my shirt up over this lovely little camisole thing.  Her own trousers from yesterday.  She was a lot chirpier.  She had used some of my makeup.  She’d blow dried her hair and straightened it.  She looked… perfect.  She said she’d just finish getting dressed and she’d be gone.

 

I didn’t plan what to say.  I expected some speech about my feelings to come out of my mouth.  About how I’ve been crazy about her for months, I can’t stop thinking about her, I like her as more than a friend, I adore her…  Instead, I told her not to get dressed.  She looked so startled.  So bewildered.  Her beautiful eyes went so wide and I lost myself in them.

 

Then I kissed her.  Once.  I pulled back, just for a moment, to check silently that I’d not overstepped but no, she was right there with me.  We kissed again and I felt her arms around me, pulling me closer.  She has the softest lips.  I have never been kissed like that before.  Never got so turned on just by someone slipping their tongue into my mouth.  I’ve imagined kissing her so many times but the reality was a million times better than I could ever have imagined.  And it was pretty damn good in my imagination.

 

I don’t know how long we were stood there for, by the kitchen counter, completely wrapped up in each other, forgetting to even breathe.  But eventually, we parted.  We were shy, all of a sudden, resting our foreheads together.  My heart was pounding and I was still scared that she was going to walk away.  But there was a fire in her eyes that I’d never seen before.  Desire.  For me.  And it was driving me crazy with want.  She asked me then if I really wanted this, wanted her.  I told her I wanted her more than anything, that I’d wanted her for months.

 

That was all it took.  She crashed our mouths back together.  Her hands moved under my top and suddenly it was on the floor.  Everything moved quickly but calmly.  Her (my) shirt on the floor.  Guiding her backwards towards my bedroom.  Kicking my shoes off on the way.  Our mouths barely parted from each other the whole time.  It was like once we’d started kissing, we couldn’t stop.

 

We both paused when we got into the bedroom, although only momentarily.  She asked me again if I was sure.  I looked at her, how beautiful she was.  How wonderful.  I was 100% sure.  I was terrified.  Terrified of doing it wrong, of not being good enough, of letting her down.  But it didn’t mean I didn’t want to do it.  I asked if she was sure.  I knew what a huge deal this was for her.  She hadn’t been with anyone since her wife.  Being with me was a massive, massive deal.  It means more than I’ve been able to say to her since that she would choose me to be intimate with.

 

She smiled at me, that big, beautiful smile and drew me into her arms.  She told me she was absolutely sure.  She kissed me again.  I felt it in my soul.  She ran her hands over my chest.  I think my nipples were actually trying to escape my bra.  I loved the smirk on her face as she felt them.  She reached behind me and unhooked my bra with the expertise of a woman who’s had a lot of practice.  I just kept watching her.  Taking in the way she looked at me.

 

I could hardly control my breathing as she put her hands on me and then her mouth, standing right there in the middle of my bedroom.  I’ve fantasied about this woman so many times and then suddenly, there she was, in my bedroom with my nipple in her mouth.  And oh!  The things she can do with her tongue!

 

Before too long, she was on her knees.  She’d kissed her way down my tummy, including the scars that usually make me anxious but with her, suddenly I didn’t mind them.  She made a point of making me feel comfortable.  Beautiful even.  She took my trousers down.  Helped me step out of them.  Took off my socks, one at a time.  I was stood in my underwear, Lisa knelt in front of me, kissing my thighs, looking up at me completely adoringly.

 

I feel like she was worshipping every part of my body, committing me to memory.  Maybe she was, thinking about it now.  She kissed her way back up to my lips, standing back up again.  She told me I was beautiful.  I told her she was wearing too many clothes.  She laughed, shyly and let me take off her camisole.  I couldn’t stop staring at her.  Then I looked down and saw she had her belly button pierced.  I mean, that just sent me over the edge!  How have I never been attracted to a woman before?  Maybe I was waiting for Lisa all my life.  She is absolute perfection.

 

She unhooked her bra.  I continued to stare.  My hands hovered uncertainly.  She was amazing.  She took my hand and rested it on her breast, helping me, encouraging me.  Feeling her under my palm was enough to drive me crazy, enough to pull me out of my trance.  I gained the confidence to explore.  I loved the little moans she made as we kissed.  As her nipples hardened under my fingers.  As I trailed my lips over her neck and shoulders.

 

I guided her back onto the bed and fumbled with the button of her trousers.  I felt her tense as I started to guide them down.  I checked she was okay.  She nodded but seemed awkward.  She closed her eyes and shimmied, helping me take them off.  Then I realised.  She had no pants on!  She explained that she hadn’t wanted to shower and put dirty underwear on.  She hadn’t expected anyone to be removing her trousers for her a couple of hours later!

 

I mean, I was thrilled.  I couldn’t get her trousers off quick enough!  Gazing at her, lying naked on my bed, ready for me to touch her, explore her beautiful body.  And she really does have a beautiful body.  We kissed again, full of renewed passion, hands exploring, having been granted full access.  Our mouths parted, beginning to explore each other, as well as our hands.  I loved the way she touched me, the feel of her fingers and tongue.  For a woman who hasn’t had sex for three years, she bloody well knows what she’s doing!  I loved taking her nipples into my mouth.  It turns out that toying with her piercing is something she likes.  She also likes her thighs and a little spot just behind the back of her knee being kissed.  As well as her neck and the inside of her arms.

 

Honestly, I could have spent all day kissing every inch of her body.  I’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as Lisa.  Someone as perfect.  And it’s funny because I don’t think she has any idea.  She mustn’t think she’s ugly.  She’s not stupid.  She owns a mirror.  But I honestly don’t think she has any idea of how absolutely gorgeous she is.  How sexy.  How she’s had me salivating over her for such a long time.

 

And she is absolutely incredible in bed.  After a good long while of exploring, kissing and really just getting comfortable with each other, she took control.  She was so hot.  She rolled me onto my back, kissed me and then kissed her way, very slowly, down my body.  She told me she felt like it was time my underwear came off.  I said I thought it was probably ruined anyway.  I was trying to make light of how wet I was.  Really, I was feeling kind of anxious about it.  It’s not something that’s ever happened to me before.  I’ve never got so turned on in the lead up to sex before.  In fact, I’ve often had the opposite problem.  And I’ve never ever had sex like this before either.  So much detail, so much intimacy, so much giggling and talking and kissing.  In the time the lead up to Lisa and I took, it would have been over and done with, with a man.

 

So yeah, I tried to make light of being so wet.  I was embarrassed.  Lisa, who was between my legs by then, tugging my underwear down, just smirked at me.  She realised I was embarrassed.  She threw my knickers to the floor, parted my legs and ran her tongue through my centre.  I nearly screamed from how good it felt.  She told me how amazing I tasted, what a turn on it was that I was so wet.  She told me how wet she was, that she was desperate for me.  I nearly came right then and there!  I mean, it didn’t take long.  She dived right in with that talented tongue of hers.  She kept moaning while she went down on me, like she was really enjoying herself.  I’ve never been with anyone who enjoyed going down on me.  I mean, not me personally.  Just, men have always considered it a horrific chore.  They don’t get anything out of it.  But with Lisa, it was like it was a joy.  Like she got genuine pleasure out of it.  All I could do was grip the duvet while she brought me to the edge and pushed me off.  Not once, not twice but THREE TIMES!  Three times!  All just with her mouth and her fingers.

 

She came to lie in my arms after and she was glowing.  I probably was as well.  She kept telling me how amazing I was.  I pointed out that she was the amazing one.  She’d made me come three times in a row!  She said that she’d loved it, getting to taste me, getting to feel me, getting to hear me scream her name.  I told her she was welcome to do it whenever she liked!  She played idly with my nipple.  My whole body was on fire. 

 

I could feel her wetness on my thigh and I although I was nervous, I was desperate to at least try.  I admitted I was worried about not being good enough, that I’d never been with a woman before and she’d set the bar high.  She kissed me then and told me I wasn’t obliged.  I insisted that I wanted to – as long as she wanted me to.  She smirked and said she definitely did.  So, I did.

 

Well, no wonder she enjoyed herself!  I don’t know what blokes complain about!  Going down on Lisa was incredible.  Every time I close my eyes, all I can picture is being between her legs, having her thighs wrapped around my head.  I loved opening her up, exploring her with my tongue.  She tasted divine.  I really didn’t need to worry about being wet.  She was soaking.  And it turned me on so much to know that it was because of me.  Me.  I had got her that excited.  She wanted me that much.  I so wish I could be with her again.  Touch her, kiss her, taste her.  I loved pushing my fingers inside her, exploring, telling me what felt good.  And oh, when she came…  When she screamed my name.  Wow.  Just wow.

 

We cuddled for a while afterwards, still stroking each other, kissing, talking about the absurdity of her being hungover and me coming back and essentially dragging her into the bedroom for sex.  I got up to get a drink of water, with the intention of bringing something back for her but evidently I was taking too long because soon after, she appeared, wondering what I up to.  She even ignored her phone ringing, which she never does – and dragged me back to bed for round two!

 

I was more confident the second time.  And the third time.  And the fourth time.  Who knew that lesbian sex could go on for so long?  I mean, probably everyone but I didn’t.  I’ve never done it before.  But it’s bloody amazing.  Lisa is bloody amazing.  Honestly, the things she can do with her mouth, her fingers…  I really love her fingers.  There was one point, after they’d been inside me when she sucked her fingers and I just… flooded.  How can one woman be so fucking hot?

 

I thought I’d find it strange being with a woman when I’ve only ever been with men but I didn’t.  I did feel anxious at times but only because I was worried about getting it right.  It felt completely right being with Lisa.  We fit together so perfectly.  Our sexual chemistry was perfect.  The way she made me feel… I can’t even describe it.  And I hope I made her feel good too.  I mean, she kept asking me if I was telling the truth about it being my first time, which I’m choosing to take as a compliment!  She kept telling me how amazing I was, both when I was giving and receiving.  She was so complimentary the whole time, telling me I was beautiful, that she loved the way I tasted, the way I felt.  That she loved everything I was doing to her.  She definitely knows how to make a girl feel good.  In every way.

 

Afterwards, we curled up on the sofa in dressing gowns with mugs of tea.  We chatted and laughed and everything felt so good, so easy.  I really felt like this was the beginning of something incredible, something special.  She kept nudging me about my history with women.  I admitted to snogs with girls to impress lads and suddenly remembered my crush on Jodie when I was at school.  She was so mean to me.  I loved her so much and she treated me like dirt.  I haven’t thought about her for years.

 

She teased me about being a dark horse.  She even told me she’d always thought I had ‘snooty aloofness with a whiff of suppressed rage’!  I told her I liked how frank she was and assured her I was a reformed dark horse. I’m an angel now.  We were just having such a lovely time.  I was so happy.  I’d had the best orgasms of my entire life.  It’s hard to explain why it’s different, why it’s better… but it is.  She has actually ruined me for anyone else.  Even another woman.  I don’t think I could ever sleep with anyone else now I’ve been with Lisa.  She is so bloody good in bed.  Like, insanely good.  Too good.  How could anyone ever compare?

 

But then it all went to shit.  Lisa finally picked up the message she’d missed.  It was from Betsy.  She’d used the code word (Dad) that the family has if they’re in trouble, which sent Lisa spinning, especially as she missed the call because she was in bed with me.  We quickly got dressed and went out looking for her together.  Eventually, we got a call from Ryan to say that he’d found Betsy being threatened by some lads, one of who he recognised from the STU, although he didn’t remember his name.

 

Betsy brushed the whole thing off but she was clearly shaken.  I went off to get us some drinks while Lisa spoke to Betsy.  Ever observant, Betsy noticed that Lisa was wearing my top.  She realised we’d got together and outraged, threw her glass of water over Lisa.  I was so shocked.  How is this kid getting away with doing that to her own Mum?  Lisa was clearly upset, although she didn’t pull her up on her behaviour.  She just desperately tried to explain (and keep everything quiet) while Betsy accused us of hooking up on Becky’s birthday.  Lisa explained what had happened, that she’d crashed at mine last night but that things had developed this morning.  I know I shouldn’t have stuck my nose in but I felt so sorry for Lisa.  I felt protective of her.  She looked so fragile, soaking wet (and not in the good way), desperately excusing herself to her daughter when she’d done nothing wrong.  I tried to suggest that Becky would want Lisa to be happy but all that earned me was a tirade from Betsy, who then stormed out.

 

I brought Lisa back to mine and get her another top to wear.  I tried to be supportive but she was like a completely different person.  She was wound up, frightened and shut down.  All of our closeness, our intimacy was gone.  We ended up arguing when I suggested that she lets Betsy get away with murder.  Well, she does.  She cut me deep when she asked me how many kids I’ve raised.  I know she doesn’t know what happened.  But she could have been a bit more sensitive.  I’m a 49 year old woman.  Maybe ask yourself why I haven’t had kids.  Not everyone has a choice, Lisa.  Certainly not everyone makes that choice willingly.  I had my chance taken away from me.  And there was no way I was ever going to risk it again.  No way.  We’re not all lucky enough to meet the perfect person, have the perfect fucking family, grieve the perfect fucking wife for the rest of our lives.

 

She wouldn’t listen to anything I said.  She was already in ‘bad mother’ mode, blaming herself for not being there for Betsy on Becky’s birthday and getting drunk and crashing at mine instead.  She had a go at me for bringing Becky up and then told me that we ought to keep our distance, that a relationship between us is clearly too soon for Betsy.  I accused her of being a coward.  We argued about grief and then she stormed out, leaving me absolutely broken hearted.

 

Lisa

 

21^st November 2024

22:40

 

I slept with Carla.  It was amazing.  Absolutely incredible.  And it can never happen again.  How cruel is that?  We came so close to making things work and now it’s over.  Already.  Just like that.  My heart is broken.  I can’t stop crying.  I genuinely can’t stop crying.

 

It all started yesterday.  Becky’s birthday.  I was so consumed with all things Carla that I completely forgot.  I’d like to say it was because of work, because I was busy arranging going back tomorrow.  And I have been.  But it’s not true.  It’s Carla.  We’ve been seeing so much of each other.  I’ve become hooked on spending time with her.  Drinks.  Dinners.  The cinema was a little torturous.  Every time her hand brushed mine in the popcorn box…  And now I know what her hands, her fingers are capable of…  Honestly, I had to ask her repeatedly if she was being honest about having never been with a woman before.  Because she was so amazing.  So, so amazing.

 

But anyway, Becky’s birthday… I forgot.  Betsy was so angry with me, so hurt, that she ignored me for the whole rest of the day.  My answer was to get absolutely trollied in The Rovers.  I can’t really tell you much about it because I don’t remember but from what I’ve been told, it involved:

• Ryan confiscating darts from me
• Calling Carla for back up
• Lots of singing, including trying to get everyone in the pub to come together in a round of Bohemian Rhapsody
• Trying to start a conga

I dread to think what Carla hasn’t told me.  I imagine I said some vastly inappropriate things to her.  Maybe that’s what gave her the confidence today…?

 

At some point, Carla brought me back to hers and let me stay the night on the sofa, which was lovely of her.  I was in no fit state to go home and be on my own.  I don’t remember going back with her.  But I woke up tucked up on the sofa, with a blanket over the top of me.  I know she took care of me.  I know I was safe and looked after.  I’m kind of glad I don’t remember it, to be honest.  It’s embarrassing enough without knowing the details.

 

I woke up feeling bloody awful and quite confused in the morning.  Carla was in the kitchen, looking radiant.  Of course she was.  She immediately provided me with water and painkillers.  And lots of teasing.  When I rushed off to be sick (and threw up on my jumper and had to give up and get in the shower), she went out and got me breakfast and coffee from Roy’s.  I did poke my head out to ask about the shower but she’d gone so I just had to plough on and hope she wouldn’t mind.

 

I was in her dressing gown when she got back.  I looked a bloody mess, my hair all wet, no makeup, washed out and anxious.  I was worried she was annoyed with me because she seemed to stumbling over her words a bit.  But then she started teasing me again, telling me I could wear her clothes, use her makeup, hang around and watch a film (I’d asked if I could stay until I was legal to drive).  Well, I took her at her word and did borrow a top and did pinch a bit of makeup.  I mean, we were friends so I figure it would be alright.  I wore my own trousers and shoved my pants in my pocket because I didn’t want to wear them dirty.  I thought it might be crossing the line to borrow those off her!

 

I ate my breakfast, did my hair, was briefly interrupted by a very surprised Ryan and I was almost ready to leave when she surprised me by coming back from work early.  I explained that I’d be out of her hair momentarily .  I just needed to finish getting dressed.  She just said ‘don’t’.  I was confused by what she meant so she clarified.

“Don’t get dressed.”

Then she kissed me.

It took my breath away.  Honestly, I don’t think I have ever been kissed like that before.  It was just once, to start with.  Then eye contact, to check that it was okay.  It was so okay!  My heart was pounding in my chest, as our mouths met again and honestly, we barely stopped kissing for hours after that.  The only time we stopped was if either of our mouths were occupied with other body parts.  And Carla has some seriously incredible body parts.  I still can’t believe I actually know what she looks like undressed.  What she feels like.  What she tastes like.  Incredible, is the answer to all three, by the way.

 

We constantly checked in with each other, made sure we were both happy, both feeling safe, both wanted to go ahead.  I could tell she was nervous.  She was worried about getting it right because she’d never been with a woman before (she SO got it right) and by the time I was eventually settled between her thighs, she was embarrassed that she was so wet.  She was soaking and it nearly made me come right then and there, knowing that I’d done that to her, knowing that she was that excited by the things we’d done, by the prospect of the things we were going to do.  I made sure I reassured her, let her know how sexy I found it that she was so excited and how delicious she was.  I bloody devoured her.  I couldn’t get enough.  I made her orgasm three times in a row.  A personal best, actually.  Honestly, I’ve not had sex for three years and then I had the hottest woman in the world in front of me.  I could hardly control myself.

 

I loved kissing her.  All over her body.  Her mouth, her neck, her boobs.  She has really sensitive nipples and I became addicted to playing with them, making her moan my name.  She seemed to enjoy the underside of her breasts too and this little spot on her left hip.  And her shoulders.  She liked it when I kissed her shoulders.  I could have just laid on that bed all day kissing her, stroking her, going down on her, slipping my fingers inside her, bringing her to climax over and over.  I have never been with anyone like her before.

 

I gave her an opt out.  I didn’t want her to feel obliged to do anything to me if she didn’t feel like she was ready to take that step, even though in all honesty, I was desperate for her hands, her mouth on me.  I’ve imagined it so many times, wanted it so badly.  So, I was thrilled when she was eager, although she was worried about not being good enough.  She was more than good enough.  She was amazing.  I thought I might be anxious.  I’ve been wound so tight for such a long time but with Carla, I felt so safe.  She always makes me feel so safe.  I was able to completely relax under her touch, laid back against her pillows, her head buried between my legs, tongue lapping away at my clit and oh, it was good.  It was so good.

 

We went on like that for hours.  The only time we paused was once when Carla stepped out to get a drink (I dragged her back to the bedroom pretty quickly) and when we stopped to cuddle.  I loved the cuddles.  Just lying there, holding each other on the bed, nothing separating us, still unable to keep our hands off each other.  It’s been a long time since I had that kind of intimacy.  I didn’t realise how much I’ve been craving it.  Needing it.  And it’s already been snatched away from me.

 

We were having a lovely afternoon.  We curled up on the sofa in dressing gowns, drinking tea, chatting and laughing.  She told me about some girl that she had a crush on when she was a kid, about snogging girls for boys’ attention.  She insists she’s a former dark horse, current angel.  Yeah.  She is an angel.  And I’ve thrown her away.  I’m such a fucking idiot.

 

While Carla and I had been… together, Betsy had got herself into trouble.  I mean, when is she not in trouble?  Some lads threatened her and thankfully, Ryan rescued her, not that she was grateful.  Carla and I were out looking for her when he called to say she was with him in the pub.  And that’s where it went spectacularly wrong.

 

I lied to her about when I’d been.  That was my first mistake.  Then she noticed that I was wearing Carla’s top.  She immediately worked out that we’d been together and in what capacity and as I expected, she lost it.  She threw a bloody drink over me!  She balled me out right in the middle of the pub.  I desperately tried to explain that it happened this morning, not last night, on Becky’s birthday but it didn’t matter.  Carla tried to suggest that Becky would have wanted me to be happy, which was fundamentally unhelpful.  I know she was trying to be supportive of me but it just didn’t help.  It just made Betsy have a go at her as well and then storm out.

 

And now Carla and I have had a row.  She took me back to hers and let me have another of her tops.  She kept needling me, saying I let Betsy get away with too much.  She even called me a coward about my love life.  And it just pissed me off, mostly because I know she’s right.  So I had a go at her and told her that we’re done.  That I need to prioritse Betsy and she and I need space from each other.  Honestly, I don’t know why I said it.  Space is the last thing I want from her.  I’m in bed alone right now and I feel so lonely.  All I can think about is Carla.  How it felt to hold her, be held by her.  How it felt to kiss her.  How it might feel to fall asleep in her arms.  I literally cannot stop crying.  How can I have been so close to her this morning and have already lost her tonight?  It’s not fucking fair.  Even if I called her and changed my mind, she wouldn’t want me anyway.  I was so mean to her tonight.  I took everything out on her, all my fear, all my anger, all my guilt. That’s not what a good person does.  Not what a friend does.  Not what a person you might want as a girlfriend does.  No way.  She’s not going to want me anymore.  I’ve ruined my chance with her now.  I’m so bloody stupid.

 

I sort of had a conversation with Betsy tonight, although she wasn’t terribly forthcoming.  I told her that Carla and I were over and I wouldn’t be seeing her again.  She made me promise, which I did.  I apologised and reiterated that nothing had happened yesterday.  She asked me how long I’d had feelings for Carla.  I admitted it had been a while but insisted it was over now; Carla and I are done.  She told me in no uncertain terms that she just wants it to be me and her, not Carla.  She doesn’t want me to move on from Mum.  I accepted it and said I understood.  Then I came up to bed to write in here and I honestly haven’t stopped crying.

 

Carla

 

22^nd November 2024

2:03am

 

I can’t sleep.  I just can’t stop crying.  I’m lying in this bed where Lisa and I made love.  And I know that sounds ridiculous, calling it that.  Pathetic, really.  But that’s how it felt.  We’re not even together.  We’re not in love.  But it was loving.  It was so deeply full of affection.  So full of care and gentleness and yet still so passionate, so hot.  She took my breath away.  I lost count of how many orgasms I had.  Nobody has ever made me feel like that before.  I don’t think anyone will ever make me feel like that again.

 

She won’t.

 

Because she ended it.  She dumped me.  Just like that.  Without so much as a backwards glance.

 

Okay, that’s not true.  She did give me a backwards glance.  I’m portraying her as heartless and she’s not.  She was trying to be but I could see it.  I could see how sad she was.  I could see that she wanted us to be together.  I could see it today.  She told me last month, the night of ‘the moment’ that she doesn’t do casual.  She never would have slept with me, no matter how much we fancied each other, if she hadn’t thought we had a future.  That’s not who she is.  It’s just that neither of us had banked on Betsy finding out like she did.  On her kicking off and banning us being together.  We’d forgotten who was in fucking charge.

 

I moped to Ryan this evening.  And on my way home from grabbing some dinner from Sainsbury’s, I spotted Betsy sulking in the gardens.  I told her what I thought.  I tried to be kind but I needed to be honest.  She was honest too.  She told me she doesn’t want Becky to be forgotten and replaced, that it’s not fair that her family has been broken up.  I agreed.  It’s not fair.  It’s painful.  But she needs to find a way through it.  She’s a good kid and she needs to stop being so demanding.  She sulked then, saying everything was fine until I came along, that Lisa hadn’t even thought about being with anyone else.  I didn’t show that that makes me feel special.  That I’m the person who has made Lisa open her heart again.  That she sees something in me that she thinks is worth something.  Me.  Worthy.  Or at least, she did.

 

I told Betsy that Lisa will always put her first, as she should.  But I asked her if she didn’t think Lisa deserved to be happy?  I don’t know if I’ve made things better or worse or not affected them at all but I had to try.  Even if Lisa doesn’t want me, I had to try to make things better for her if I could.  She really hurt me tonight but I still adore her.  I will always adore her.  She is the most incredible woman I have ever met in my life.  No.  She’s the most incredible person I’ve ever met in my life.  Gender is irrelevant.  She’s my best friend.  She’s the best lover I’ve ever had, without question.  I could hardly breathe, hardly think, after we were finished!  She was so considerate.  So loving.  I wish we could do it again one day.  But she seemed pretty certain that it was done.  The rejection I feel is pretty heavy anyway.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot.  It’s frustrating because I genuinely think we could be great together.  I think we could make a fantastic team.  I think we could be happy.  If only she (and Betsy) would allow us to be.

 

Next Time... things are awkward between Carla and Lisa, Carla is hospitalised and Lisa makes a discovery about Becky's death...

Chapter 25: The Break-In

Notes:

Thank you to everyone who left such wonderful comments on the 'don't get dressed' chapter! I hope you will enjoy this one!

Lisa

 

22^nd November 2024

14:02

 

I should be excited to be back at work but I am just not feeling it today at all.  All I can think about is Carla.  I hardly slept a wink last night because all I could think about was yesterday.  The awful things I said to her.  The way I hurt her.  I know I hurt her.  But also, the good parts.  We had some really fucking amazing moments yesterday and I am bereft that we won’t have them again. 

 

She is so bloody beautiful.  I could have come just from touching her.  But then she touched me and…  It’s all just spinning in my mind. 

 

The way she made me feel. 

 

The way she looked at me. 

 

The way she wanted me. 

 

Her mouth.  Her lips.  Her tongue.  Her hands.  Her fingers. 

 

She’s got the most gorgeous body.  Even more so than I imagined and my imagination was pretty generous.  Her boobs are incredible.  When we cuddled afterwards and I got to snuggle into them… it was so lovely. 

 

I adore every part of her and I just… I thought I’d get to have more, you know?  I thought I’d get to ask her about her surgical scar.  I’m assuming a kidney operation?  I just thought I’d have more time to learn about her, to teach her about myself.

 

We have so much sexual chemistry.  Honestly, more than I’ve ever had with anyone else.  Actually more than with Becky and I don’t say that lightly. 

 

I say it guiltily.  But not lightly. 

 

I feel disloyal writing it down because it was always amazing with Bex.  We never went through the whole lesbian bed death thing, certainly not for long anyway.  It was always passionate and fiery between us, especially in the bedroom.  It was always fantastic.  But with Carla… it was on another level.  I’ve neverorgasmed like that before.  Never just come apart under another woman’s touch so easily.  She’s amazing.  Absolutely amazing.

 

But I can’t have her.  I want her desperately but I can’t have her.  And even if I could, she would never want me now anyway.  I’ve fucked everything up. 

 

Of course I have.

 

It was so awkward this morning when Betsy and I bumped into her and Ryan.  Obviously Carla had told him everything. 

 

I like Ryan.  What must he think of me right now? 

 

Betsy was acting like she wasn’t an absolute cow to us both yesterday, checking with Carla that she still had a job and could she go into work to grab her charger?  And Carla was clearly hurt by everything.  She looked so tired.  So shut down.  And I just wanted to fling myself at her mercy, apologise and beg forgiveness, beg her to give me another chance.  But I said nothing.  I just gazed at her.  Watched her walk away.

 

And now I’ve made things worse, of course.  I decided to call her and ask her for a drink at the pub.  It was a stupid idea really.  I don’t know.  I wanted to see her.  Needed to see her.  I wanted to tell her I’d changed my mind, even though I knew I was never actually going to do that.  I’m too terrified of losing Betsy.  I can’t choose someone else over my own daughter – not even Carla - and she is very clearly not okay with me being with her.  I can’t choose Carla over her.  Not even if I think she and I could potentially actually be very happy together.  I got a glimpse of what it would like to be with her yesterday and it was glorious.  She made me feel so special.  And I don’t just mean physically, although that’s true too.  I mean emotionally.  I felt so free with her.  So safe.  She always makes me feel so safe.

 

But Betsy has to come first.  Before Carla.  Before myself.  Before anyone.

 

So, I phoned Carla and arranged to meet her.  I guess I just wanted to speak to her, try and end things better than we did?  Me storming out of her flat in anger.  Big fucking fail, Swain.  I only made everything worse.  If I hurt her yesterday, I only compounded it today and I feel so bloody guilty now.  Not to mention, stupid.

 

For all the softness between us yesterday, she was so closed off today.  So hard.  I said I’d wanted to talk about how things ended between us.  She pointed out that I’d made it clear that there was no ‘us’ and that’s when I realised.  She’d come because she was hoping I’d had a change of heart.  Because she wanted me to tell her I wanted to make a go of things.  I so wanted to tell her I wanted to make a go of things.  I WANT to make a go of things.

 

But I couldn’t.  I can’t.  And it’s not bloody fair.

 

I tried to play everything down.  I said we’d slept together once (four times if we’re counting – or was it five?) and it was amazing.  I needed her to know that it was amazing.  But that I’m not ready for anything with her (I am) or anyone (just her).  I’ve been alone since Becky died.  I wouldn’t consider opening my heart to anyone but Carla.  I didn’t even get a choice but to open my heart to Carla.  She’s just so lovely.  And now it’s all ruined.

 

She laughed at me.  She actually laughed at me.  It really stung.  She said she couldn’t believe I’d dragged her from work just to ram home the same point I’d made yesterday.  I left before I burst into tears.  I’d thought I was doing the right thing.  Trying to smooth things over with her, try and explain that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with her, it just wasn’t the right time, that I cared about her.  But she couldn’t or didn’t want to hear me.  I’ve hurt her too much, I guess.

 

I never thought I’d be the type to have a one night stand.  I mean, it’s not that I haven’t.  Back in my youth, I had my fair share.  Before I met Becky and she tethered me down.  Tamed me.  But after Becky… after loving her so hard and so long, I knew if I was ever with someone again, it could only be because I had feelings for them.  And I do have feelings for Carla.  Really strong feelings.  I would never have slept with her yesterday if I’d have known it would turn out like this.  I would never have done that to either of us.  Knowing what it’s like to have her actually hurts worse than all the pining I’ve been doing over the last few months.  Because now I know what I’ve lost.

 

How am I meant to recover from this?

 

Carla

 

22^nd November 2024

5:54pm

 

Could this day get any bloody worse?

 

So, not only have I lost Lisa but I’ve now also been robbed and assaulted!  And of course, who did I immediately want to run to?  The woman who just dumped me.  Twice.

 

I got no sleep last night.  I haven’t cried myself to sleep since my husband left me.  Now, here I am, almost a year later, crying over the woman I’m absolutely crazy about.  I mean, what the hell is going on in my life?!

 

I saw her this morning.  Ryan and I bumped into her and bloody Betsy.  She didn’t speak to me.  Betsy did all the talking.  But she was watching me.  I could feel her eyes on me the whole time.  She looked absolutely exhausted.  Bloody beautiful, of course.  She always does. 

 

I was meant to be joining the others at the team building day that I’d completely forgotten about.  Bowling.  Honestly, what I’d give to have gone bloody bowling.  Then at least I would have avoided at least some of the shit that happened today and I wouldn’t have such a fucking headache.

 

But I was finishing some bits and about to head out and join them when Lisa called, asking me to meet her in the pub.  Stupid idiot I am, I hoped that maybe she’d changed her mind.  Maybe she missed me and wanted us to try again.  Of course she didn’t.  For some reason, she just wanted to ram home the point that she was definitely done with me.  She’s fucked me and now she’s over it.  Doesn’t want me anymore.  Despite it being amazing, apparently.  Oh and it was once, according to her – are you actually having a laugh?!  IT WAS FOUR TIMES!!!  FOUR!!!  I mean, there might have been a fifth in there somewhere but I lost track!  And I had THREE ORGASMS just during ROUND ONE!!!  Three!!!  Once.  Piss off, Lisa.  I’d love to see you do it twice!  I mean, literally, I would.

 

Except, we’re never going to do it again.  Never going to hold each other again.  And I loved that just as much as the sex (although she is bloody amazing in bed).  I loved holding her.  Breathing her in.  Laughing with her.  Talking to her.  Just… being with her.  And she told me, you know.  She told me she doesn’t do casual.  I know I pounced on her.  I know I did.  But I thought she’d tell me to piss off if she wasn’t interested.  And I guess I just thought by that point that she was interested.  And because she doesn’t do casual, that if she was happy to sleep with me, she would then be willing to… to build something with me?  I mean, I know we didn’t exactly get time to talk about it but I thought that’s what we both wanted.  That’s what I wanted.  We’ve been living in each other’s pockets for months and now I just miss her so much.  My heart physically aches with the loss.  Even more than my head does with being smacked about.  And that is banging.

 

Anyway, she made it very clear today that she doesn’t want to pursue anything with me.  I was absolutely incredulous that she requested an in person meeting just to tell me for a second time that she wants nothing to do with me.  Incredulous and hurt.  And that pissed her off so she just walked out on me.  Again.  She hasn’t brought my top back yet. 

 

I was doing laundry first thing this morning, washing her jumper, which I found in the bathroom, folded all neat, despite having vomit on it.  I scrubbed a load of Vanish into it to get the stain out and Ryan found me sobbing in front of washing machine. 

 

Yeah.  It’s that bad.  I guess I’ll give it back to her at some point.  Or maybe I’ll just keep it to remember her by.

 

Ryan’s been lovely though.  He came straight over to check on me after she left the pub.  I escaped back to work, only to find it’d been robbed and that was the final straw.  I was so gutted, walking through the place.  Gutted for my factory.  Gutted about Lisa.

 

And then I don’t know what happened, except I woke up on the floor sometime later with a massive headache. I gather from Craig that the thieves must have still been in there.  I disturbed them so they whacked me on the head to make their escape.  Lovely.  Bloody lovely!

 

To her credit, when Betsy saw me with the paramedics, she offered to come to hospital with me.  It was kind of her.  I wasn’t expecting her to be so nice to me in the circumstances.  I was kind of expecting a sarky comment about karma for sleeping with her Mum.  But she was really worried, really nice.  Not that I’ve gone to hospital.  It’s just a little bump on the head.  I’ve got things to do.  I’m not wasting time going to hospital for that.

 

I kind of keep hoping that someone will tell Lisa – Betsy or Craig.  I keep hoping she’ll call.  That she’ll give a shit.  But I haven’t heard anything from her.  So either she doesn’t know or she doesn’t care.  I want to call her.  I really want to call her.  But I can’t.  We’re done.  She’s made that clear enough.  I just… need to let her go.

 

I’ve given my statement to Craig and been battling with the insurance.  Oh, someone’s here.  I think it might be Ryan and Roy.

 

Lisa

 

23^rd November 2024

02:24

 

I’m currently sat by Carla’s hospital bed.  I can hardly stop crying.  She was rushed into hospital last night with a bleed on the brain after being attacked by some low life, thieving thugs at the factory.  They hit her over the head and left her for dead.  She woke up and being Carla, refused to go to hospital, only to collapse later.  Betsy found her unconscious and raised the alarm.  She came to see me at work.  She was so shaken up.

 

I rushed us both to the hospital and found Ryan and Roy there, waiting for news.  Carla was already in surgery.  I didn’t know what to do, what to say, especially with Roy there.  Ryan knows about us but Roy doesn’t.  I mean, he probably does now that I’ve sat here all night, holding her hand and sobbing.

 

The four of us waited for her to come back from surgery.  She looked awful.  So pale.  Hooked up to so many monitors.  Unconscious.  On oxygen.  Ryan’s in bits.

 

I sent Betsy to go and stay with a friend.  She looked absolutely stricken at the sight of her.  She wanted me to come home but I couldn’t leave Carla.  I physically couldn’t move myself away from her side.

 

So the three of us are sat beside her, a strange little three surround the bed of this woman who means to much to us all.  Ryan has very kindly let me sit right next to her.  I’m still here now.  I’ve not even got up to go to the loo, despite the numerous coffees Roy has been providing.  I’ve just been holding her hand, kissing her fingers when they’re not watching me, willing her to come through this.

 

I can hardly bear to look at her, lying there, unconscious.  She’s normally so alive.  Always has so much to say.  My heart is broken.  How can I go through this a second time?  Hurt someone I adore so much and then have them snatched away from me?

 

I can’t lose you, Carla.  I can’t.  Please.  Please be okay.  Please stay strong and come through this.  I can’t do this without you.  You mean too much to me.

 

Carla

 

23^rd November 2024

6:45pm

 

So, it turns out I should have gone to hospital yesterday after I got battered by those thugs.  They hit me so hard I had a bleed on the brain and needed surgery.  Brilliant, eh?  Oh and just to make things extra lovely, Betsy organised the whole thing to punish me for Lisa and trying to ‘replace Becky’.  And I can’t even tell Lisa about it because she looks like she might be about to have a nervous breakdown if she comes under any more stress and I just can’t do that to her.  I can’t be the one who breaks like that.  Despite everything that’s happened, my instinct will always, always be to protect her.  She frustrates the hell out of me but I adore her.  I can’t help it.

 

Ryan and Roy were there by my bedside when I woke up this morning.  They looked exhausted and worried.  Explained what had happened.  The last thing I remember is locking up after them at the factory so I could crack on with sorting out the insurance and start cleaning the place up.  Then it’s all a blank.  From what I gather, I collapsed.  Betsy found me and called an ambulance, rushed me to hospital.  And I’ve been here ever since.

 

Apparently Lisa was here all night.  She came as soon as she heard the news and she sat here with the boys all night.  I was surprised.  I was touched.  I tried not to feel hopeful.  I was disappointed that she’d gone before I’d woken up but apparently she’d got a call about the person who’d hurt me so she’d rushed off to deal with them.  She’s got DS Swain written through her like a stick of rock.

 

Ryan and Roy entertained me for most of the day though.  They make a funny pair, especially when you’re out of it in hospital, post-surgery.  They’re so different but equally, beautifully lovely.  Roy wondered if it might be nice to update Lisa of my condition, mentioning how worried she was.  I couldn’t help but tease him.  He was clearly wanting to ask without wanting to ask about how close we were.  I don’t know what happened last night, what she was like or how worried she actually was but her concern obviously made an impression on Roy.  Enough for him to suspect there’s more to our friendship than I’ve told him. 

 

I did tell him though, that there’s a chance there could be something between us.  And he was so lovely about happiness not always coming from the likeliest of places.  I mean, it doesn’t feel right now like there’s all that much happiness to be had but I admitted that I liked her.  That I have no idea how she feels about me.  Ryan reminded me that she was here all night.  He seems to think it means something but I don’t know.  I really don’t know.

 

Lisa did come to visit me again but it didn’t go all that well.  She was cagey and anxious and didn’t give much away.  She said they thought they knew who was responsible for the attack but couldn’t tell me anything about it, which frustrated me.  I ended up on a bit of a rant about how she plays everything so close to her chest, won’t open up about anything she feels.  I mean, I’ve probably had a lucky escape, to be honest, haven’t I?  Can you imagine being in a relationship with this woman?  The lack of communication.  The shutting down of all emotion?

 

But then I think back to a couple of days ago.  She wasn’t shut down then.  She was amazing.  She trusted me.  I trusted her.  But then, look what happened…  She shut down and I ended up with a bleed on the brain.

 

I did challenge her.  I was raw with emotion.  From being attacked.  From the past few days.  I asked her what else she couldn’t say.  There was almost a moment where I thought she might have talked to me, told me how she actually felt about me, what she actually wanted.  But she shut down and left.  Said she had to go back to work.

 

Ryan mentioned in passing that Betsy was the one that found me.  It confused me because she doesn’t have keys to the factory and I know I locked myself in.  Ryan insisted I did.  I sent him on a mission to collect up all the keys, as well as to go and get me some things from the flat, as I’m going to be stuck in here for a good few days while they monitor me.  When he brought in the spare set from the desk, that had been shut away in a drawers for months and months, I began to piece together a pretty awful picture.  And I knew for sure when Betsy turned up to ‘see how I was’.

 

I accused her immediately.  To be fair, I was expecting her to lie.  She confessed immediately.  Apparently, she had ‘just’ planned to have me robbed, not attacked.  She’d done it to help a friend out of trouble.  She hadn’t known I’d be harmed.  But equally, she was angry with me for getting it together with Lisa.  She accused me of trying to replace Becky.  I shouted at her, insisted that’s not what I’d been trying to do and that there was nothing going on between Lisa and I.  However, I was fully ready to call Lisa and tell her what her precious daughter had been up to.  She begged me not to.  She told me that her Mum had been crying earlier, that she was falling apart and that if she was to be sent down, Lisa would have nobody.  I was furious at the emotional blackmail.  I’m still furious.  But I didn’t call her.  I told her I would and then I threw her out.  I am still livid.

 

Lisa’s just been to see me again though and Betsy was right.  She is a mess.  I’d sort of hoped she’d been crying for me but of course, it wasn’t.  It’s all because of Becky.  She’s made some discovery over her death, found someone else who was involved.  I actually thought she was investigating my attack today.  I thought she was thinking about me.  I thought she cared about me.  I know.  I’m being selfish.  I’m being really bloody selfish.  But I just… wanted her to care about me like I care about her.  I’d do anything for that woman.  Anything.  Including keep quiet over the fact that her daughter had me assaulted, put me in hospital.  Because honestly, the state she was in… she can’t take anymore.  I’m deeply worried about her.  I’m worried about how she’s coping.

 

She just sobbed by my bedside.  What could I do but be there for her?  Look after her? 

 

We did have a nice visit in the end.  She even sat down, held my hand, told me how worried she’d been about me.  I mentioned that Ryan had said she’d spent the night there.  She said she had, that she’d been so frightened of losing me, that the last thing to happen between us would have been her being so awful to me, just like with Becky.  She told me she’d never have got over it.  Hurting me.  Losing me.  She told me she was sorry.  Then she started crying again.  Then I started crying.  And we just stayed there, holding hands for ages.

 

She hugged me when she left and I found it really hard to let her go.  I asked if she’d come back and visit me.  She promised she’d come back tomorrow.  Asked what treats I’d like her to bring me.  So, at least I’ve got that to look forward to.  Seeing her face.  Hearing her voice.  Maybe getting to hold her hand again.  I know we’ve not reached any actual conclusions.  Maybe we never will but… being comfortable with each other again… well, that’s a start, isn’t it?

 

Lisa

 

23^rd November 2024

21:08

 

I am so bloody tired.  I got no sleep last night because of being at the hospital.  I left early when I got a call from Kit to say they’d caught the guy who attacked Carla; it was Matty Radcliffe.  Little shit.  I reckon his brother, Logan would have been involved too.  They’re always up to no good together.  They’ve got a rap sheet as long as your arm.

 

Ryan and Roy weren’t keen for me to leave.  Ryan in particular knew my heart was with Carla.  He’d seen me breaking my heart over her all night and he and Roy knew I hadn’t slept.  I hadn’t slept the night before either for different reasons.  Also related to Carla.  But DS Swain kicked in and I just had to get justice for her.

 

I probably wasn’t as professional as I should have been during the interview.  I was so angry with him for what he’d done to Carla.  I wanted to slap his smug face, sat there glaring at me, denying everything.  Lying to me.  I lost my temper.  And Alya Nazir of all people turned us as part of his legal team with ‘proof’ of his fucking alibi.  Some garage who claimed he was having his car serviced at the time, even though we can prove that his car was at the factory.  It’s on CCTV.  I am so angry about it all!

 

Kit went to investigate the garage by himself.  For once, he was actually being nice to me.  He could tell I was struggling and told me to go and do whatever I needed to do to clear my head and then come back and focus on the case.

 

I went back to the hospital and I was so relieved to see Carla awake and talking.  They had switched her oxygen over so she didn’t have the mask over her face.  She had more colour and she was alert.  Ryan and Roy gave us space to talk, not that it went very well.  I screwed it all up.  Of course I did.  I was cagey about the investigation.  I couldn’t give her the information she needed.  About anything.  About Matty.  About us.  She wanted me to tell her how I felt about her.  Ryan and Roy had clearly told her that I’d been sat with her all night.  She wanted to know what it meant.  What she meant to me.  But I couldn’t.  I couldn’t say the words.  How could I?  It doesn’t change how Betsy feels.  It doesn’t stop her from not wanting us to be together, no matter how I feel about her.  So, what’s the point of me telling Carla the truth?  Surely that would only make things worse for both of us?

 

So, when she kept challenging me, asking me what else I couldn’t say, suggesting scenarios we could be in like ‘did you have a nice day, darling?  What do you want for tea?’, I just ended up leaving.  I asked her if that was supposed to be me and her.  She said no, that I had made that really clear.  She was on the verge of tears.  So was I.  I just about made it to the car before I broke down.  So visiting her didn’t really help, except to see her and know that she was safe and healing, awake and talking again.  Even if I know I’ve hurt her, let her down and probably lost her for good.

 

I spent the day trying to nail Matty for hurting Carla but he was just too slippery with too good a legal team.  He was very mouthy as he left.  He made an offhand comment about Becky and I just haven’t been able to let it go.  I am convinced that he (and his brother) were involved in her death.  I know we got a conviction but I always felt like we didn’t have the full story, that there was a piece missing.  And now I am sure I know what it is: them.

 

Kit had to stop me from decking him.  I’d wanted to punch him in the interview and I was furious after what he said to me outside.  I mean, could it really be that he killed my wife and has now assaulted the woman I’m trying so hard not to fall for?  Could that actually happen?

 

I had to leave work after that, get some space.  Betsy found me sobbing in the gardens.  She was really sweet to me.  She gave me a hug and a tissue and comforted me.  She asked if I was upset about Carla.  I was, in a way.  It’s just everything.  Carla, Bex, Matty and Logan, Betsy.  Everything.  I feel like everything has slipped out of my control and I hate it.

 

I spent the rest of the day going through Becky’s file, desperately searching for anything we might have missed, any kind of link to Matty and Logan.  I didn’t find anything.  Kit thinks it’s a lost cause but I am determined.  I will find something.  They will not go unpunished, not for Becky and not for Carla.

 

This evening, I went back to visit Carla again.  It went better.  I think.  I told her all about Matty (without naming him).  I ended up in tears, telling her all about Becky’s case and she was so lovely.  I mean, it was awful of me really.  The state our relationship is in, her being in hospital with a bleed on the brain and I’m stood by her bedside, crying over my dead wife.  And yet, she was still there for me.  She supported me.  She listened to me.  She cared about me.  She told me I could tell her anything, anytime.  She was so reassuring.  So kind.

 

I just couldn’t stop crying in the end.  I sat down and broke down.  She told me she knew I’d been there all night.  She took my hand and that was all it took for me to blurt out my feelings.  Most of them.  Not all of them.  Probably not all the ones that actually matter.  I told her how terrified I’d been of losing her.  Of history repeating itself – hurting her and then having her taken away from me forever.  I told her I’d never have recovered if that had happened and it’s true.  I never would.  I apologised for hurting her, losing her.

 

She started crying too, while I was talking.  Then we both fell silent, just sat there, holding hands, neither of us really knowing what to say.  I still couldn’t tell her I wanted to be with her.  I wanted to.  I desperately wanted to.  I mean, it was the perfect time.  But I kept thinking about Betsy kicking off, accusing me of replacing Becky, telling me I’m a bad wife and a bad Mum.

 

We hugged each other goodbye and it was almost impossible to let her go.  I promised to come back and visit and bring treats with me.  I’ll go back tomorrow after my shift.  They’re going to keep her in for several days and I want to make sure I maintain contact.  Last time we had an… incident, we broke contact and it was awful.  I don’t want to do that again.  I don’t want to lose her.  Not after this.  My heart just can’t take it.

 

Afterwards, I met Betsy at Speed Daal but I just felt sick with all the emotion swirling around inside me.  My grief for both Becky and Carla is suffocating me.  I feel like I’m dying inside.  I can’t breathe.  So I told her I wasn’t hungry.  She was keen for news on Carla.  Half of me finds it a bit strange.  Only a couple of days ago, she hated Carla because of what happened between us.  Now she is desperate to know she’s okay.  Is it because she was the one that found her?  I mean, I’m quite proud that she responded the way she did.  It was her fast thinking that helped to save her life.  She did really well and I’ve made a point of telling her that.  But she’s usually one to hold a grudge so it’s strange that she’s so desperate to know how she is and also doesn’t seem to mind that I spent the night at the hospital and visited several times today.  Isn’t she worried about us getting back together?  Or does she finally trust my word?

 

I did tell her about the development regarding Becky’s death.  Obviously I didn’t go into detail but she was pressing me over what was on my mind so I told her that much.  I probably shouldn’t have but honestly, my head is such a mess and I am so bloody tired.  I just need to sleep.  But I know it’ll be a restless night.  All I can think about is Becky, dying in the road.  And Carla in hospital, hooked up to machines, wondering why I keep messing with her head.  Two amazing women and both of them, I’ve completely let down.

 

Next time... Lisa visits Carla in hospital, Lisa declares her feelings and Carla keeps Betsy's secret...

Chapter 26: Reunited

Notes:

Hi everyone. Thank you as always for your lovely comments. This one is the chapter where they get together. And the next one fills the gap where we don't see them for two weeks! I hope you will enjoy them.

Carla

 

24^th November 204

6:34pm

 

I do not like being stuck in this hospital.  They have said because of the bleed being so bad and having to have surgery I am going to be stuck in here for at least a week, which really pisses me off.  I’ve got a business to run!  And I still have to sort so much stuff out after the robbery.  I know I’ve got Sarah and I know she is capable but there are certain things that I like to do myself.  Plus, she’s only just come back from Turkey and she’s still got Bethany to worry about.  Yes, I know I can be a control freak.

 

Bobby came to see me last night and he came back again this morning.  Ryan came this afternoon.  He told me that when Lisa was here overnight the first night, she sat here all night long, holding my hand and crying.  She was kissing my hand when she thought he and Roy weren’t looking.  I didn’t believe him at first but he insisted he wasn’t messing with me.  He said she was absolutely broken hearted.  She just sat there, holding my hand, crying and begging me to pull through, saying she couldn’t go through this again.  Is she comparing losing me to losing Becky?  Do I mean that much to her?  Really?

 

She came to visit me this evening and it was really lovely to spend time with her.  She was LADEN with treats.  She bought crisps, chocolate, sweets, fruit, magazines, books, drinks and even a little cuddly toy to comfort me while I am away from home.  This little soft bear.  Soft like her, although she doesn’t half try to hide it.  If I wasn’t falling for her before…  Honestly!  I mean, how cute is that?  Bloody adorable.

 

She was so sweet and seemed to be in a very different mood than yesterday.  I don’t know if she was putting it on but she was very smiley and a lot more relaxed.  She was keen to know all about how I was feeling, what treatment I was getting and how long I would be in hospital.  We chatted about nonsense quite a lot, laughed.  Avoided the subject of us quite expertly.  It was just nice to be with her.  To look at her beautiful face.  She looked tired.  Radiant but tired.  She said she’d come back tomorrow.  I can hardly wait.

 

Lisa

 

24^th November 2024

21:02

 

It was another long day at work without much gain.  I still can’t get anywhere with Bex or Carla’s case and I’m finding it really frustrating.  But I did just get home from a lovely visit with Carla at the hospital.  She’s looking a lot brighter and she liked the gifts I bought her: crisps, chocolate, sweets, fruit, magazines, books, drinks and a little teddy bear to keep her company that took me ages to choose.

 

I didn’t know if it was really stupid to bring but I took the chance and she seemed to genuinely like it.  She tucked it into bed with her and kept stroking it.  I wanted to hold her hand again but it didn’t seem appropriate.  We avoided any heavy subjects, including the elephant in the room.  We laughed loads and things felt a lot lighter, a lot easier between us.  She asked if I’d come back tomorrow.  I’ll come back every day that she wants me.

 

Carla

 

29^th November 2024

1pm

 

I am home at last.  Ryan and Roy came to collect me.  It was really nice of them.  They have been so good to me since the attack.  Well, they are always so good to me.

 

I had kind of hoped maybe Lisa would come.  I told her when I was going to be discharged.  She has been visiting every day and it has been so lovely to spend that time with her.  She’s been so gorgeous to me, keeping me company, bringing me gifts and making me laugh.  Ryan made a really big thing of the teddy she bought me.  He thinks it means something.  That she really likes me.

 

He joked today about women being complicated.  Roy tried to cheer me up about her absence, suggesting that she might not have been able to get away from work.  Well, I haven’t heard from her all day so maybe she was literally just keeping me company in hospital and isn’t interested in spending time with me now that I’m home.

 

In the meantime, I’ve decided to pull out of buying the Platt house.  I’m going to call the estate agent in a bit.  I just don’t think it worth the hassle, what with Gail’s heart attack and David giving me daggers every time he sees me.  I’ve got enough stress going on in my life right now without adding more.

 

Lisa

 

29^th November 2024

23:58

 

Carla and I are making a go of things.  Like, properly.  We’re in a relationship.  We’re dating.  Actually dating.  It feels so strange to write it but I am so incredibly happy.

 

My day started with some intense surveillance of the Radcliffe brothers.  They caught me and took a photo of me in the car.  It was NOT flattering.  They sent it to their legal team, complaining that I was harassing them, which of course I am denying.  And of course, Kit overheard everything.  He’s actually being bearable at the moment.  Borderline pleasant.  I think he’s picked up on the stress I’ve been under and instead of sticking the knife in, he’s being kind to me.

 

I met up with Betsy and she was desperate to know how Carla is doing and if I had any more information about what happened to Becky.  I couldn’t tell her anything and admitted I wished I hadn’t mentioned it.  She stormed out.  So, normal service has resumed, after a few days of her being nice to me.

 

Once I was left alone in the café, Roy approached me.  He told me that Carla had been discharged and hinted very strongly that she was by herself.  He was very awkward about bringing up knowing that we had feelings for each other.  I didn’t really want to talk about it but I made it clear that I needed to focus on Betsy and work.  Then he basically told me that in a couple of years, Betsy will be flying the nest and I’ll be alone.  I mean, he basically told me I’m going to end up a sad, lonely spinster and then I’m going to die.  Imagine being told that.

 

Well, it did the trick.  He’s right.  Betsy is growing up.  She’s going to go off and live her own life soon and I am going to end up completely alone.  I’m already desperately lonely.  Heartbreakingly lonely and it is only going to get worse.  And I am longing for Carla.  Absolutely longing for her.

 

So, I went to visit her.  Ryan left us to it.  Carla was anxious and flustered, offering me tea and rambling.  I interrupted her in the end and blurted out that I had feelings for her and asked her for a second chance.  She kind of just didn’t answer me.  She just got up and went to the kitchen and started washing up.  I didn’t know what to do and really thought I’d blown it.  I hovered anxiously behind her and apologised for messing her around.  I explained that I wasn’t trying to be unkind.  I was scared of making the wrong choice.  My head was saying one thing and my heart was telling me another.  Everything became clear today.  I knew I had to take the chance and go for it.  Carla is everything I want.  She is just… everything.  I’ve been trying to fight it for so long but why?  I absolutely adore her.  I know we can be happy together if we give it a try.

 

I admitted I’d had a talking to from a wise man and I know she would have known who that was.  She was understandably reluctant to let her guard down.  She didn’t want to get hurt again and I know I’ve hurt her – more than once.  Once she finally looked at me though, I knew.  I could see it in her eyes that it was still there.  That connection.  That desire.  I took the plunge and I kissed her.  And it was beautiful.

 

Once we’d kissed, we couldn’t stop kissing.  Just standing there in the kitchen for ages, unable to let each other go.  Eventually, we moved to the sofa.  I was worried about her standing too long with that awful bandage on her head.  We cuddled and kissed for ages.  She is such a good kisser.  I love her lips.  I love her mouth.  I love the way her arms make me feel so safe.  I love the naughty way her hands wander.  And they really wandered tonight.

 

We didn’t sleep together.  We just kissed and cuddled for a while.  A long while.  Then we talked.  A lot.  We made a proper commitment to be a proper couple.  And decided to call Betsy over to tell her there and then so she didn’t find out by accident and kick off again.  I was nervous about it.  It was entirely possible that she would still kick off but actually, she didn’t.  She took it in her stride.  She was actually fine with it. 

 

We ended up having pizza together.  It was strange.  It felt like we were a family. Especially when Carla suddenly remembered she’d kicked Ryan out so she could talk to me privately and texted him to come back and join us (we’d ordered an absolute feast).  It was so nice to all be together.  We had such a lovely evening.  I loved sitting at the table with the four of them, holding Carla’s hand, leaning into her, stealing kisses, feeding her chips.  I haven’t felt like that in a very long time.

 

I would have loved to have stayed the night.  But I had to take Betsy home.  Damn responsibilities!  We are going to arrange something as soon as we can.  Carla said she is happy to come and stay at mine or next time Betsy is at a sleepover, I will come to her.  I’m going to see her tomorrow anyway but it would be lovely to spend the actual night with her.  Fall asleep with her.  Wake up with her the next morning. 

 

Carla

 

30^th November 2024

12:14am

 

DS Lisa Swain is my girlfriend.  My actual girlfriend.  It feels so odd to write that down.  I’ve wanted her for such a long time.  I hardly dared to imagine that she could actually be mine.  Especially after what happened between us the last few days.  Being so close and then pushing so far away from each other.  Well, she pushed away from me.  But she came round tonight and completely put her heart on the line.  She took such a huge risk to tell me that she had real feelings for me and asked me for another chance.

 

I didn’t make it easy for her.  I left her hanging.  Not for ages but for long enough to make her fill the space.  She apologised to me; told me she hadn’t meant to be unkind.  She said she had been conflicted between her head and her heart but that after talking to Roy (she didn’t name him but I know it was him), she knows exactly what she wants now.  Me.  She wants me!

 

I did feel reluctant to let my guard down and I told her that.  I’m scared of getting hurt again.  I am painfully aware of her capability of hurting me.  It’s not been deliberate but I know she has the instinct to panic and flee rather than stay and communicate.  I’m frightened of ploughing ahead, handing over my heart, my feelings and then being abandoned.  I’ve been abandoned a lot of times in my life and with Lisa… I just don’t think I would cope if she did that to me, if things didn’t work out between us.  I know this sounds over dramatic.  I mean, we’ve only known each other for five minutes.  But I think she could very well turn out to be the love of my life.  More than Liam.  More than Peter.  All these love stories I’ve lived through, endured and it might turn out that all along, I was waiting for a tiny, blonde copper to steal my heart.  Who would have thought it?  Not me, that’s for sure.

 

I asked her, what if I’ve changed my mind?  She was so confident then.  Cocky, even and it just made me want her even more.

“Have ya?” she asked.

Then she kissed me and I just melted into her.  We must have kissed for hours.  First in the kitchen, then on the sofa.  My lips are still tingling from hers.  From her lips, her tongue.  Other parts of me are tingling too, in want, in anticipation.  Although I’m probably not up to that tonight.  I was only discharged from hospital this morning.  She said she’d come and visit me tomorrow night and bring dinner with her.  She said she’d cook.  I’m excited.  The idea of her being in my flat, making herself comfortable, cooking in my kitchen.  Just… being a couple.

 

She wanted to do things properly.  Be honest and official straight away so she called Betsy and got her to come over.  I know she was nervous.  I was less nervous.  She knew she couldn’t kick off, even if she wanted to.  If she did, I’d tell Lisa the truth about the robbery.  She nearly blurted out the truth herself.  She clearly thought that’s why she’d been summoned in the first place.  When Lisa told her we were making a go of things, the kid was so bloody relieved I hadn’t snitched on her, she seemed genuinely fine with everything.  She just put in a massive takeaway order and sent her Mum out to get it.

 

When we were alone, we struck a deal.  I wouldn’t tell Lisa the truth as long as she started behaving herself.  She is convinced that Lisa thinks she’s completely hopeless.  I insisted she was wrong, that Lisa loves her.  I rammed home how awful the attack was and how concerned I am that she doesn’t seem to know the difference between right and wrong.  I made it clear that next time something like this happens, it will be a very different story but for now, I’ll stay quiet.

 

I’m not comfortable lying to Lisa.  But every time I think about telling her, I picture the way she sobbed at my bedside at the hospital.  All the stress on her shoulders about how Becky died and I just can’t destroy all that love and faith she has in her daughter.  I can’t make everything worse for her, especially now when she and I are so happy together.  We’re finally happy and I don’t want to ruin things.  So, I will let it go for now.  I mean, it’s done, isn’t it?  I’m okay.  My head will heal and we can put it all behind us.  No major consequences.  Everything will be okay.

 

We had a really nice evening.  Lisa came back absolutely weighed down with pizza and all the trimmings.  I realised I’d sent Ryan out so she and I could be alone and then forgot to call him back.  So I rang him and told him there was enough pizza to feed and army.  He came back to join us and the four of us had a lovely night, eating, chatting and laughing.  It felt so wonderful to be sat there beside Lisa.  Lisa, my girlfriend.  I have a girlfriend!  A gorgeous, funny, intelligent, wonderful, tiny, blonde girlfriend.  Can you believe that?  DS Lisa Swain is mine!  Actually mine!  I am so bloody lucky.

 

We kept holding hands under the table.  I couldn’t stop gazing at her and I kept catching her looking at me.  She kept complimenting me and I kept doing the same.  We couldn’t help it, even though Betsy and Ryan kept teasing us.  I hated having to say goodbye to her.  I would have so loved her to stay the night but obviously she couldn’t just leave Betsy to it.  We have said we’ll find a way to make it work though.  I’m happy to stay at hers and Betsy can always have sleepovers, leaving Lisa to come and stay here.  We can have mornings and afternoons like we did the other day but I would so love to fall asleep in her arms and wake up with her.  I think that would be beautiful.

 

Next time... Carla and Lisa spend as much time together as possible, Lisa looks after Carla as she recovers and Carla introduces Lisa to Michelle...

Chapter 27: Dating

Notes:

Morning all. So, this chapter is all made up - my interpretation of what Carla and Lisa got up to when they were off screen, after they first got together. I hope you enjoy it! Thank you always for your lovely comments.

Carla

 

1^st December 2024

9:15pm

 

Lisa visited again tonight, as promised.  She cooked.  She’s a really good cook.  We had this lovely creamy spaghetti with courgettes and oh, it was so lovely.  She’d bought fancy soft drinks because I can’t drink on my antibiotics.  Really nice antipasti to start and tiramisu for dessert.  She pays such close attention to detail.  She’s so sweet.  And so fucking hot.

 

She was a bit nervous about my head injury but I made it very clear that I was definitely capable.  So, once we’d recovered from the food coma she put us into, I led her into the bedroom.  It was a bit nerve wracking in a way because last time was so good.  Like, could we live up to expectations?  Could it be as good as the first time?  Well, yes.  It was bloody amazing.  Honestly, anyone who has ever been with this woman is insane to have ever voluntarily stopped being with her.  I know Becky had no choice but she can’t be the only person she’s been intimate with.  There must be other clinically insane people who have slept with her and made the choice to stop.  And they must be mad.  Because honestly, now I’ve been with her, I cannot stop being with her.  She’s absolutely incredible.  I’m addicted.

 

She said she’ll visit me tomorrow and I genuinely cannot wait.  I am beyond excited at the thought of seeing her again, kissing her, touching her… tasting her.  How on earth did I get so lucky as to get to call this woman my girlfriend?

 

Lisa

 

1^st December 2024

22:00

 

Carla and I slept together again.  It was wonderful.  And it didn’t end with me running off and dumping her or panicking or anything.  It was just… lovely.

 

I went round and cooked her dinner.  I was very nervous.  I haven’t cooked for a woman since I was married!  I certainly haven’t done it to impress someone in a date kind of scenario for a very long time!  But she seemed to enjoy it.  She kept me company while I cooked.  We chatted.  We laughed.  We flirted.  We ate.  Then she took my hand and led me to the bedroom and we made love and it was… amazing.

 

I was a bit worried.  What if the first time a one off?  I had so much sexual energy pent up inside me last time and so did she.  More than I realised I had.  What if the chemistry was a fluke?  And this time… it was softer.  Gentler.  But no less intense.  Certainly no less orgasmic.  The things that woman can do with her mouth!  Her fingers.  Wow.  Just wow.  I still can’t believe she’s never been with a woman before.  She’s bloody amazing!  So loving.  So passionate.  I feel so lucky, so safe in her hands.  I just want to stay there forever.  Touching her.  Being touched by her.

 

I said I’d go round again tomorrow.  I’m so excited to see her again.  I just want to see her all the time.  I’m absolutely hooked.

 

Lisa

 

4^th December 2024

23:45

 

We went out on a date tonight.  We went to the cinema to see Wicked.  I was a bit worried about Carla venturing out when she’s barely out of hospital but she was keen not to miss the film and I didn’t want to either.  It’s already been out for a week or so.  So, I picked her up after work and off we went.  She looked AMAZING!  I nearly cancelled the whole thing and dragged her into the bedroom.  We’ve been very occupied with the bedroom the last few days.  Honestly, I can hardly keep my hands off her.

 

We had dinner and then went to the cinema.  The film was so good.  She kept teasing me for crying.  But she also snuggled with me.  It was kind of funny because we went to the cinema together a month or so ago and I was so nervous.  Every time our hands touched, I panicked.  But this time, I felt so much more comfortable.  I booked us expensive seats, where we could sit on a lovely sofa and cuddle up and put our feet up.  We shared a drink and popcorn and it was so nice being out together as a couple, even if it was in the dark.

 

We haven’t really talked about how we’re going to navigate things.  I don’t know how she feels about being with me, about being with a woman.  I don’t know if she’s anxious or proud or if it hasn’t even occurred to her.  She hasn’t mentioned it.  She hasn’t raised it as an issue.  It doesn’t seem to be something that’s been a massive deal to her.  But when I think back to being a teenager, getting my head around my sexuality was so difficult… I’m worried she could be struggling and not wanting to say?  I mean, you don’t just wake up one day and fancy a woman and not think anything of it, do you?  It freaked me out so much.  Does Carla being older make it easier?  Harder?  Does she know what she is?  Does she define herself?  Not that it matters to me really.  I just feel lucky to be with her.  So, so lucky.

 

We mostly concentrated on the film.  It was so good that it was impossible not to.  But we did sneak a few snogs in as well.  I mean, we were on a sofa in the cinema.  How could we not?  I can’t seem to stop myself kissing her.  Her lips are addictive.  As is every part of her.

 

I was very honourable and dropped her back home with a polite kiss on the doorstep before I headed home.  I very much wanted to go in and ravish her but I had to get back for Betsy.  Tomorrow, though.  Definitely tomorrow.

 

Carla

 

4^th December 2024

11:57pm

 

I ventured out of the house today!  Lisa took me on a date!  She is incredibly romantic.  I shouldn’t be surprised, I suppose.  I’ve already seen little glimpses of it in gestures like when she brought me all those things to the hospital and that little teddy bear (which I’ve been sleeping with every night).

 

She turned up with roses.  Proper, expensive, beautiful roses.  None of the shit that Dev sells.  She took me to a lovely little restaurant and had booked really nice seats at the cinema.  We had one of those posh sofas that we could curl up on together.  We shared a big drink and popcorn (and several kisses – I really love kissing her).  It was so lovely.  And the film was brilliant.  She cried.  It was the cutest thing.  This sweet little musical made tough DS Swain sob into my shoulder.  Honestly, she is the cutest thing on earth.  I adore her.

 

Last time, I was so nervous.  Every time we accidentally touched each other, I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest.  This time was completely different.  Everything was so comfortable and relaxed.  I love being with her so much.  She is such a beautiful person.  She’s wonderful.

 

Carla

 

8^th December 2024

11:30am

 

I have just got home from my first ever sleepover at Lisa’s house.  She’s got a gorgeous house.  It’s so… Lisa.  Perfectly ordered and decorated.  Lovely.

 

She invited me round for dinner.  Homecooked.  I could really get used to her cooking, you know.  I had no idea how domesticated she is.  She’s so loving.  So gentle.  She has such a desire to look after people.  To look after me.  All week, she’s been coming in at lunch time, bringing food and checking I’m okay, after my attack.  Food and kisses and cuddles.  And then coming back in the evenings, making dinner.  More kisses.  More cuddles.  Maybe a bit more than that…  Making sure I’m not having to do too many chores or rely on takeaway.  It’s been a while since I had someone look after me and I’m not sure I ever had anyone look after me quite like she does.  She might be pretty much perfect.

 

We had a lovely dinner and snuggled up on her massive sofa (it’s new, apparently) and watched a film.  Well, we put a film on.  We didn’t watch all that much of it.  It’s a shame actually, as it was meant to be good.  I asked her to put on something LGBTQIA+ (I’ve been swotting up on the lingo) so she can educate me.  I wanted to watch something under her advisement, something she’d perhaps watched when she was in a similar position to me.  I think the film was called Imagine Me and You or something like that.  She said it was old but really lovely.  It seemed nice but like I say, we didn’t get very far before somehow, all our clothes fell off and the film was long forgotten.  We can watch it again another time!

 

I think I might actually be addicted to that woman’s body.  She is so beautiful.  And the things she can do with her mouth…  I’d already come twice before we even got up to her bedroom.  She was really cute, really shy.  She told me I was the only person she’d ever been with in this house.  I told her I was honoured.  We carried on until the early hours of the morning.  Honestly, I had no idea that sex could be this good or last so long.

 

We curled up in each other’s arms afterwards and just talked and kissed.  She told me that it was only a few months ago that she realised she could have sex again, after Becky.  She’d thought she was completely dead from the waist down.  In all this time, since Becky died, she’s not even touched herself.  Until… well, me.  She confessed that over the last few months, her attraction to me has grown and she’s started exploring herself, needing relief from all the tension inside her.  She said it was a shock.  She genuinely hadn’t known she could still orgasm.  She thought that side of her life was all over.

 

I felt really sad listening to her.  I also felt quite honoured that it was me who had sparked things back to life for her.  That she fancied me that much that she touched herself, that she came for the first time in years thinking about me.  And now, the sexual chemistry between us is just wild.  I told her how I felt.  And I told her that she hadn’t been alone in how she felt.  I told her that I’d been doing the same thing, thinking about her.  She looked delighted.  Flattered.  And of course, that led to more kissing.  More sex.  And quite a lot of dirty talk.

 

She dropped me home this morning, after a rather lavish breakfast, on her way to work.  (She picked me up last night and brought me over to hers because she didn’t want me to drive.  She’s so thoughtful.  How did I get so lucky?)  Now, I’ve got the day to chill.  I’m hoping to get back to work at some point this week.  Even if just from home or a half day.  I am starting to feel better.  But for now, I’m going to look forward to my lunch delivery from DS Swain.  And then dinner.  Because that’s my lifestyle now!

 

Lisa

 

8^th December 2024

21:24

 

Carla stayed over last night.  We had such a lovely night together.  I picked her up because she isn’t ready to drive yet.  I cooked her dinner and the plan was to watch a film.  She asked me to choose something Queer, something that means something to me.  I thought that was very sweet.  That she wants to embrace this part of her life.  She isn’t ready to label herself and I get that.  There’s certainly no pressure from me for her to do so.  But the fact that she wants to explore it, understand it… that means something.

 

I chose Imagine Me and You.  It’s one of my go to films.  I love it.  However, we only got about ten minutes in before we were ripping each other’s clothes off.  Honestly, I feel like I can’t get enough of her.  We can’t get enough of each other.  We didn’t get asleep until the early hours.  Even when we thought we were done, we started again.

 

I told her about how things have been for me.  That I thought everything was over for me romantically.  Since Becky.  My grief, overwhelming me.  I never thought I could want or be wanted by another person.  I confessed that I couldn’t even make myself come, let alone consider being touched by another person, not until a few months ago, anyway.  But since meeting Carla, since having all these feelings flying around, I’ve allowed myself to open up.  Literally.  I admitted to touching myself, thinking of her.  I felt embarrassed.  Then she admitted the same thing to me.  For weeks, months, she’s been… exploring herself, with me in her mind.  It was such a turn on.  Thinking of her, lying in her bed (or in the bath, apparently), with those lovely fingers of hers between her legs, teasing, stroking, all the places that I’ve come to love so much.  Yeah, I’ve hardly stopped thinking about it all day.  Hardly stopped thinking about everything we did last night all day too.  All the things we said.

 

I made her breakfast this morning and took her home.  I visited at lunch and then again this evening.  I’m doing my best to look after her as best I can while she recovers, although I’ve been careful to check that I’m not being too pushy or smothering her or anything.  This is all still so new and it’s been a long time since I was in a new relationship.  My last relationship, I was married.  I knew how to be with Becky.  I knew what she needed, what she wanted, how to look after her.  This is all so tentative.  And so special.  I don’t want to make a misstep.  I don’t want to get it wrong.  It would break my heart to lose Carla now.

 

Carla

 

9^th December 2024

5:30pm

 

I went back to the factory today.  Not full hours but I went in and I’m glad.  It was good to get back into the swing of things.  I’m not really designed for sick leave and there are only so many episodes of Loose Women I can watch, as funny as I find that Nadia Sawalha.  She’s kind of hot too.  So’s, that Judi Love, actually.  I keep noticing attractive women now.  Is that how it works?  You notice one woman and you notice them all?!

 

Of course, the only woman I’m really noticing is Lisa.  She was worried about me going into work so she brought me lunch.  It felt nice, sitting in my office, eating together.  It was the same but different.  We’ve hung out in my office plenty of times.  Our relationship is built on her ‘being in the area’, which she’s since admitted was often an excuse to spend time with me.  That’s pretty flattering.

 

She’s coming for a sleepover tonight.  In an hour or so actually.  I’m really looking forward to getting to spend another night with her.   I checked in with Betsy this afternoon, made sure she was okay with Lisa and I spending so much time together.  She said it was fine.  She actually apologised for me getting hurt.  She said her Mum has been worrying about me.  I have assured them both that I’m fine.  And I am.  I’m healing well.  But equally, if Lisa wants to be attentive, I’m not going to refuse.  She’s a beautiful caregiver.  She knows how to make me feel safe and looked after.  And the orgasms.  I can’t adequately describe the orgasms…!

 

Lisa

 

10^th December 2024

10:03

 

Betsy had another sleepover with her friend so that I could stay the night at Carla’s.  I did check with her that it was alright and she told me that Carla had checked in with her too, that it was alright that we’re spending so much time together.  I thought that was really sweet of her.  Betsy says she doesn’t mind.  She says she’s happy for us.  She wants us to be happy.  It’s quite the contrast to her initial reaction but I’ll go with it.  I’m so relieved that everything is working out. 

 

I just hope that Carla gets back to herself soon.  She’s a lot better than she was.  She says she’s fine now but I can see she gets tired.  Perhaps from all the… exercise we’ve been doing!  I didn’t realise I’d missed sex so much until I had Carla writhing beneath me.  She is so hot.  So gorgeous.  And she way she makes me feel… physically, emotionally…  I am fully aware of just how lucky I am to be with her and I’m going to do everything I can to take care of her and our relationship.  I nearly lost her several times due to my own stubbornness, my own stupidity.  Now I know what it’s like to actually be with her, there’s no way I’m risking losing her again.

 

Carla

 

10^th December 2024

12pm

 

I’m meeting Lisa in The Rover for lunch.  People will start getting suspicious!  Not that I’m bothered.  I mean, I’m not ready to ram my tongue down her throat in the middle of the pub or anything but if people know, they know.  I’ve obviously told Ryan and Bobby and Roy.  And Betsy knows.  I need to tell Michelle.  We’ve not spoken since I came out of hospital.  Just texted.  And it’s not the kind of thing I want to do over text.  I was thinking of maybe a video call with Lisa so I could introduce them.  I mean, she knows all about Lisa.  She’s been teasing me for months about replacing her.  But I’ve never admitted to her about us being more than friends.  I’ll be interested to know what she thinks.

 

As for other people knowing… I’m not in a rush.  I like living in this little happy bubble we’re in.  It’s not that I want to keep it a secret, exactly.  I just don’t want this precious, beautiful thing that we have to be treated as gossip.  I don’t want the likes of Tracy Barlow to be chatting about us, you know?  Making comments.  And I certainly don’t want people making comments to Lisa about me.  Like, my history and that.  Putting her off me.  Lisa only knows my present.  Who I am now.  What if she hears things about me and decides she’s not interested anymore?  I mean, I don’t think she’s like that.  It’s not like I haven’t told her things.  I even told her about Rob and she didn’t run a mile.  And she knows, not in detail, about my mental health.  But what if she knows how many times I’ve been married?  How many brushes with the law I’ve had?  What estate I grew up on?  I mean, I know I have to tell her all that eventually but it’s still so new.  I just want us to be happy for a bit first.

 

Lisa

 

10^th December 2024

22:22

 

Carla and I had lunch together in The Rovers this afternoon.  It was a nice break in the middle of what was a very hectic day.  She’s always such a light in my world.  Every time I see her, I just feel so incredibly happy.  And today was the first day we went out in public together.  I did visit her at work yesterday and we went to the cinema last week but today was the first day we went out somewhere local.  Not in the dark.  I mean, as far as the rest of the world are concerned, we’re still just mates.  I don’t exactly know how to bring it up.  Like, does she want to tell people?  Is she ready?  How does she feel about it all?  She’s told her nephews and Roy.  And obviously, Betsy knows.  But other than that, it’s quiet.  Not secret, exactly.  We haven’t been outright asked if we’re a couple and denied it.  That would hurt me.  But then, why would we be asked?  We’ve been close friends for ages and as far as everyone is aware, Carla’s straight.  I don’t know.  I’m sure it’ll work itself out.

 

She actually talked tonight about having a video call with her best friend, Michelle, who lives in Ireland.  She’s told me loads about her before.  She’s Ryan’s Mum.  She hasn’t told her about us yet, although apparently she’s talked about me loads and was doing so long before we got together.  She seemed quite excited about introducing us – she described us as the two most important women in her life.  So, there’s that.  Everything feels like it’s going in the right direction.

 

Carla

 

13^th December 2024

10:31pm

 

Lisa has just left.  We had a really lovely evening together AND I introduced her to Michelle via video call.  Lisa was really nervous, although she did that thing where she pretended she wasn’t that I think is impossibly endearing.  Honestly, she is actually the cutest.

 

I invited her and Betsy round for dinner.  Then Betsy went off to the cinema with her mates.  Lisa couldn’t stay the night because she had to get back for her but hopefully we’ll get a night or two together next week.  It’s so weird, being our age and dating.  Trying to arrange sleepovers and such.  And feeling as horny as I feel all the time.  Every time I see her, I just want to rip her clothes off.  It’s very hard navigating all of those things, plus her being a Mum to a teenager.  A hot Mum.  And being so busy with our jobs.

 

But after Betsy left, we called Michelle and it went really well.  Michelle embarrassed me, obviously.  And interrogated Lisa.  Obviously.  I’d already told Michelle everything.  She wasn’t as surprised as I thought she’d be.  She told me she’d wondered months ago, the way I kept ‘banging on about her’.  But eventually, they just ganged up on me!  Lisa seemed to enjoy hearing some stories I think I’d rather she hadn’t heard about our misspent youth and drunken antics.  But I felt genuinely proud to be sat there, showing her off to Michelle.  I kept looking at us in the small picture of the screen and we look good together, even if I do say so myself!  I mean, Lisa is so ridiculously gorgeous.  Like, so beautiful.  I feel so proud to be with her.

 

We’ve been taking lots of picture this week.  I’ve wanted to capture the beginning of our relationship.  She’s my home screen already and I took a particularly pretty photo of her tonight that I think I’ll get printed.  I’d like to put it on my bedside table to keep me company for the nights she’s not here.  Like tonight.  I really miss her when she’s not here.

 

Lisa

 

13^th December 2024

23:49

 

I ‘met’ Michelle this evening.  Carla invited Betsy and I round for dinner and then, when Bets went off to the cinema, Carla and I had a video call with Michelle.  I tried to show that I wasn’t nervous but I was.  I know how much Michelle means to her.  They’re practically sisters.  Closer than me and my actual sister are.  I haven’t even told her about Carla yet.  I will.

 

Carla told Michelle about us a couple of days ago and she said she was happy for us.  She was genuinely really nice to me.  Really friendly.  Embarrassed Carla loads, which was pretty funny.  I’ve heard plenty of good stories now!  They’re very funny together.  She also really interrogated me, as I expected.  Honestly, she’d make a good copper.  She very much wanted to know my intentions with her best mate.  Was it long term?  Was it love?  Was it going to turn into love?  Was Carla good in bed?  Yeah, I nearly choked on my drink on that last one!  Especially when Carla pitched in that I was amazing in bed and she couldn’t believe what she’d been missing for the past fifty years!  So yeah, quite embarrassing.  But we did have a laugh.  And it was nice to meet Michelle.

 

Lisa

 

15^th December 2024

18:04

 

Carla and I have had a lovely day together.  And we’re going to have another lovely day (and night) together tomorrow, as it turns out.  Debbie Webster is running some couples massage discount thing at her hotel, so Carla suggested we go and have massages done and also treat ourselves to an overnight stay.  So, Betsy is going to stay the night at Sabrina’s, so I can stay the night at the hotel with Carla.  It’s a proper date.

 

It’s weird.  I used to hate my days off.  I was rubbish at them.  I was restless and anxious.  I just wanted to be at work, where I could be busy and active.  Now, my days off are full of Carla and joy and happiness.  It’s so wonderful.  She is so wonderful.

 

Today, we pretty much did nothing all day.  We went for breakfast at Roy’s, where Debbie was touting her event.  We took a flyer back to Carla’s flat with all the snacks I’d bought from the supermarket.  Carla booked us in for tomorrow.  She won’t let me pay towards the room or anything so I’m paying for dinner.  Then we spent all day binge watching Netflix, cuddled up on the sofa, chatting, laughing.  Kissing.  I love kissing her.

 

Carla

 

15^th December 2024

6:51pm

 

Lisa and I have had a lovely day cuddled up on the sofa on a Netflix binge.  She’s so cute and snuggly.  It’s funny, when I think about meeting her last year.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I’d be cuddling up on the sofa with her like this.  Taking her to bed.  But that’s what we’re doing.  And it’s wonderful.  She is wonderful.

 

We have a proper date tomorrow.  At the Chariot Square Hotel.  We’ve got a couples massage, dinner and an overnight stay.  I’m really excited.  Really looking forward to getting out of normal life and getting to spoil her. She thinks because I paid for the hotel that she’s paying for dinner but no.  Everything is on me.  I want to spoil her.  She’s been taking care of me ever since I was assaulted.  Buying me treats, making dinners, looking after me.  Plus she completely treated me when we went for dinner and to see Wicked.  Now she deserves a little spoiling.  I always want to spoil her.  She’s my girl.

 

Next time... Lisa worries that Carla is ashamed of her, Carla and Lisa make Christmas plans and Lisa struggles with jealousy...

Chapter 28: Insecurities

Carla

 

17^th December 2014

4:19pm

 

I’ve just got back from a wonderful date with Lisa.  It’s probably the longest time we’ve spent together.  We met midmorning yesterday and left each other just now.  And apart from a bit of a misunderstanding yesterday, which we sorted out, it was fantastic.  We had such a good time.  I am so happy, being with her.

 

She was early (obviously) to the hotel.  I found her working on her laptop, which I immediately told her off for.  This was meant to be two days, no work, no stress.  She tried to pretend she’d been looking up what the spa offered but she was very obviously lying.  She’s a terrible liar, which is a good thing.  I’ve dated too many people who lie too easily and it’s quite refreshing to be with someone who’s so honest.

 

But she turned the laptop off and I even turned my phone off.  I didn’t want to get distracted from spending time with her.  I just wanted to focus on us.  Not the factory.  Not any problems.  Just us.

 

We took a bottle up to our room and all talk of work was immediately forgotten.  We were nearly late for our massages because we got so carried away with each other.  Honestly, I am aware that I’ve got an addictive personality but can you actually get addicted to a person’s lips?  Because kissing Lisa Swain is just…  Yeah, I cannot get enough.  I cannot believe I’ve known the woman a year and I only started kissing her two and a half weeks ago.  Three and a half weeks if you count the first time but obviously there was a gap of a week when I never thought I’d be allowed to kiss her again.

 

My plan had been to have separate massages, which Lisa thought was ridiculous, as it was a couples’ massage.  I understand her point completely.  It’s illogical.  But I went for a couples’ massage once with Peter and it was bloody awful.  The noises he was making were actually embarrassing and put me off so much that I ended up more tense than when I went in.  I explained this to Lisa (which later led to a pretty hilarious conversation about sex noises that I won’t repeat here but I do feel a bit bad about it now.  You shouldn’t really take the piss out of your ex when they’re a good person, should you?)

 

Anyway, we bumped into Debbie, on our way to the massage and she assumed we were just two mates, taking up the deal.  I know Lisa was going to correct her and I just… panicked.  I jumped in and interrupted Lisa, stopped her from outing us.  It’s not that I’m ashamed of being with Lisa.  I’m not.  I’m bloody proud that someone as incredible as Lisa would even look my way.  But Debbie is a gossip.  The news would be round most of Weatherfield before we’d even started our massage.  And that’s not what I want for us.  I want to tell people on my own terms.  I want to decide who knows and when.  I want to be in charge of my own story.

 

I don’t even know what my sexuality is yet.  All I know is that I fancy Lisa.  I mean, does that make me bisexual?  I’ve been looking it up and there are so many options now!  Bisexual.  Pansexual.  I mean, I’ve got no bloody idea.  Do I need to determine that before I tell people?  What if they ask?  Will they even care?  I mean, what if people do gossip?  I keep hearing comments in my head like ‘oh, run out of men, have you?’ or ‘how can you be attracted to a woman when you’ve been with so many blokes?’  But would people say that or is it just my own anxiety?  My own fear?  Maybe people won’t give a shit.  Like Ryan says, it’s 2025.  Sexuality is fluid.  And the fact is, yes, I’ve always had relationships with men.  And now I’m falling hard for Lisa.  One doesn’t invalidate the other.

 

But no, I didn’t want to hand our story over to Debbie to share with the whole world, although perhaps that would have been easier.  Especially as my confirmation that we were ‘girlie pals’ really hurt Lisa.  I know it did.  She was really quiet while we were waiting.  I felt so bad that I suggested perhaps we should have our massage together after all.  She agreed but wasn’t terribly enthusiastic about it.  So, we did.  She had a massage and I had a facial.  And it was actually really nice but I felt this kind of sadness inside me, knowing that I’d upset her and she didn’t want to say.  It was meant to be a date, meant to me my gesture to her after she’d been so lovely to me these past couple of weeks, looking after me and everything.  I just felt like I’d let her down.

 

After the massage, we got changed so that we could use the spa.  She seemed happier with me.  We chatted while we used the different spas and hot tubs and everything.  It was very relaxing.  Then we threw our robes on and headed back up to the room, where another bottle was waiting for us and we finally talked.

 

We were chatting about the massages.  She thought hers was a bit weak; her shoulders were still tense.  I offered to give her another massage and she made a jibe about blurring the boundaries, calling me ‘mate’.  It really stung.  She accused me of being ashamed of being with a woman, which isn’t true.  I explained about Debbie, about not wanting to be gossiped about like we’re some scandal.  In fact, all my feelings came tumbling out.  My fears about labels, about comments regarding my life before Lisa, about Lisa rejecting me, judging me, about not knowing what I am apart from crazy about her.  All of it.

 

She softened then.  Seemed to understand.  She reached out and held me.  I love it when she holds me.  Even though she’s tiny, she’s got such a protective embrace.  I feel so incredibly safe in her arms, like nothing bad could ever happen to me when we’re together.

 

I did give her a massage.  It might have involved some kisses as well.  Some cuddles.  I’m only human after all.  She told me I don’t have to prove myself.  I told her how much I want her, want us to be together and she told me she wants that too.  I told her I’ll tell the whole world if that’s what she wants.  And I will.  If I had the choice, I’d wait.  Request patience.  But if it comes down to ‘tell the world’ or lose Lisa, I’d tell the whole bloody world.  No questions asked.  I’d never do anything to risk our relationship.  She means far too much to me.  She told me she can be patient.  She just needed to know I wasn’t having second thoughts.

 

And that’s when I asked her to spend Christmas with me.  When I spoke to Michelle the other day, she invited me and Ryan for Christmas.  Ryan’s going, obviously.  But as much as I love Michelle and haven’t seen her in ages and so, I know I should go, I can’t bear the thought of being away from Lisa.  Is that pathetic?  I told her that.  I told her I’d rather be with her.  She genuinely looked delighted, which I will take as a positive.  So, the plan is that Lisa, Betsy and I will spend Christmas Day together, eating pizza in our PJs.  It sounds absolutely perfect to me.  I can’t wait!

 

Last Christmas was so bloody awful.  Ending my marriage to Peter.  Sending him away for his own good, even though I was breaking my own heart in the process.  I never imagined that this Christmas, I would be happier than I have been in years.  Possibly, ever.  Because Lisa does make me so incredibly happy.  I feel lighter, so full of joy.  She is wonderful and I feel so lucky to have in my life.

 

I carried on with the massage, although it moved from the chair to the bed and somehow involved us both being naked.  I mean, it ended up a lot less massage than how it started.  But we had a lovely time!  She’s got the most beautiful body.  I really never noticed how amazing boobs were before.  I mean, I’ve seen them, obviously.  I’ve got my own.  I’ve seen other women’s in changing rooms.  But Lisa’s… they’re something else.  I could play with them all day!  They’re so full and round.  I love kissing them and holding them in my hands, teasing her nipples.  Oh and they’re perfect pillows for when we cuddle up to watch TV.  That’s our sofa position, me snuggled up against her.  And then at night, I’m the big spoon.  I love that we’ve already fallen into these patterns, especially as we’ve actually only spent a few nights together so far.  I’ve never been big spoon before.  I prefer it.

 

We went down to dinner.  Thankfully Debbie had left the premises by then so we weren’t bothered by anyone we knew.  We had a lovely meal and held hands across the table.  We took another bottle up to the room and… well, we took advantage of being in a hotel room, let’s put it that way.

 

We nearly missed check out this morning.  We slept in really late because we were up so late last night/this morning.  We just got carried away.  We made it within thirty seconds.  Then we had lunch and came back to mine for a lazy afternoon.

 

So, apart from that slight issue, which I think we’ve sorted out, we had an amazing time.  It was good to talk to her about how I’m feeling, I think.  Share some of my fears and anxieties.  And maybe she was glad to know exactly where I’m at with everything?  We have talked about pretty much everything but not really about that yet.  I guess I’ve been avoiding it a little, not wanting to give it a voice.  But I know that I can talk to her about things.  If I can’t talk to Lisa, who on earth can I talk to?  I know it’s not completely the same but she’s been there.  She understands.  She can help guide me through everything.  And she’s not going to judge me.  She cares about me and that matters.

 

She’s gone to collect Betsy from college but hopefully I’ll see her at some point tomorrow.  I really miss her when she’s not around.

 

Lisa

 

17^th December 2024

19:45

 

I’ve just got home after a lovely couple of days with Carla.  We did have one hiccup but apart from that, it was a really lovely date.  Carla paid for everything, despite me keep trying.  She went to so much expense.  She really spoilt me.  It was really lovely of her.  It has been a long, long time since I was taken out and treated like that.  Bex and I didn’t really get to do that sort of thing often by the end, what with work and Betsy.  We were so busy all the time.  It was left for anniversaries and birthdays and even then, it stopped being anything terribly grand a long time ago.  It was lovely but it wasn’t grand.  I’m really enjoying getting to spoil Carla a bit and actually really enjoying the way she spoils me.  She’s so thoughtful.

 

I was early to the hotel.  I’d bought my laptop with me and used the time to keep trying to dig up some dirt on the Radcliffe brothers.  It’s still frustrating the hell out of me that I can’t get them for Carla’s assault or Becky’s murder.  I know they are responsible for both but there’s nothing tangible on either of them and it’s doing my head in.

 

Carla caught me and told me off.  I switched my computer of and she even switched her phone off so we wouldn’t be interrupted.  We took a bottle of fizz to the room and… enjoyed ourselves up there.  To the point we nearly missed our treatments because we got so carried away!  I mean, I had Carla Connor in a hotel room.  What was I meant to do?!

 

I didn’t particularly enjoy my massage, if I’m honest.  I feel very ungrateful, writing that, as it was meant to be a treat and Carla bought it for me.  It was very weak and I had a lot of tension to get out of my system.  But also, right before we went in, Carla basically denied our relationship.  Debbie Webster assumed we were mates and while I was going to correct her, Carla shut me down and agreed with Debbie.  It really, really hurt.  I’ve been fine, so far, with not making some big announcement.  I mean, that’s not exactly my style anyway.  But I’d thought that when directly asked, or given the opportunity to say, Carla would have confirmed that we’re a couple.

 

So, yeah, I was extra tense during the massage and the masseuse did nothing to relieve the stress in my shoulders.  And it made me question everything as well.  Like, I’d suggested having a drink in the bar initially but Carla had wanted to take a bottle up to the room.  And sure, we had a really good time in the room.  A really good time.  But was that why she’d wanted to go up there or was it that she hadn’t wanted to be seen out with me?  I know we’ve been out.  We went on that cinema date and had dinner but that was further out in town.  And then we had lunch in her office and then The Rovers but we always used to do that when we were mates so nobody would have questioned it. 

 

Then Carla had wanted us to have our ‘couples massage’ separately.  Like, surely that’s just a massage?  She said it was because of a bad experience with Peter making weird noises one time, that really put her off.  Her impressions were pretty funny, actually.  And the discussion we ended up having later.  Poor Peter!  But it made me feel rejected.  Then, she knew she’d hurt me with what she said to Debbie so she changed her mind.  She had her facial and I had my massage, both in the same room.  And it was fine but suddenly, I just didn’t feel close to her anymore.  I felt like she was embarrassed of me.

 

We went round the spa afterwards.  Sat in the jacuzzi, that kind of thing.  She looked bloody amazing in her bikini.  In a different situation, it would have led to a lot of flirting.  But I just felt anxious.  Uncomfortable.

 

I know I was passive aggressive about it.  We came back up to our room and she offered me a massage to make up for the one that had left me wanting.  I wondered if it would blur the boundaries, being that we were mates.  She looked absolutely crestfallen.  I felt bad but I knew we had to talk about it and I didn’t know how else to bring it up.  So I was a bitch.  I told her I thought she was ashamed of being with a woman.  She denied it.  She told she didn’t want to hand our relationship over to a gossip.  I mean, I don’t know Debbie.  Maybe Carla’s right.  Maybe she would just treat us as a scandal.

 

She admitted that she feels anxious about not knowing what her sexuality is.  That she doesn’t know what to say if someone asks.  That at the moment, all she knows is that she’s crazy about me.  But that I’m the only woman she’s ever felt that way about, so it’s all new and she doesn’t want to make a misstep.  She even said she’s worried that her past is going to put me off.  She’s worried about comments people might make about her to me, about men she’s dated, men she’s married.  I told her that nothing could ever put me off and that I’m in this for keeps.

 

She did give me a massage.  It was actually really nice.  Then I started getting these little neck and shoulder kisses.  Honestly, she is too cute sometimes.  She stood behind me and gave me the loveliest hug.  I told her she doesn’t have to prove anything.  She told me she wants me, wants us to be together and I assured her that I want that too.  She asked me to be patient with her, which I promise I will be.  It’s a long time since I came out – more than thirty years – and it’s easy to forget sometimes, just how daunting it can be.  She even said she’ll tell everyone if that’s what I need her to do.  I said I just needed to check she wasn’t having second thoughts.

 

Then she invited me and Betsy to spend Christmas with her.  It was so overwhelmingly lovely that I could have cried.  When she first started talking about it, I thought she was going off on a tangent, trying to tell me in a really roundabout, awkward way that she was going to Ireland for Christmas to be with Ryan and Michelle.  But what she was saying was that she’d turned Michelle down and wanted to be here with us. 

 

I am so happy.  I’ve struggled so much with Christmas ever since Bex died.  Every Christmas Day has been so difficult.  But this year, it looks like we’re going to have a new kind of Christmas and I cannot wait.  The three of us, in our PJs, eating takeaway.  I am so beyond excited.  I told Betsy the plan tonight and she said she was actually looking forward to it, that it sounded fun.  I am so relieved.

 

Well, the rest of our night went well.  The massage moved to the bed but well, it was really just very sensual sex.  It was amazing. 

 

We had dinner in the evening.  She actually held my hand across the table for a lot of it.  It was lovely.  Then we ended up oversleeping because we stayed up so late just talking, making love, making each other laugh.  It was the perfect night.

 

We had lunch at the hotel and then went back to Carla’s for a bit before I had to pick Betsy up from college.  I miss her now.  I love spending time with her so much.  She’s so fun.  So funny.  Honestly, she cracks me up.  And she’s so bloody gorgeous.  I think her arms has become my happiest place in the world.

 

Carla

 

18^th December 2024

8:36pm

 

Today was kind of a strange day.  I had a meeting with Gareth at The Bistro.  I thought it was weird that Lisa turned up before he got there – and that she knew about the meeting.  She described him as ‘a handsome fella with a posh car’.  I assume the factory lot had been gossiping.  A few of them are a bit obsessed with him.  They’ve even been telling me that I should ask him out.  Well, firstly, no.  I’m taken.  And secondly, he’s gay!  I mean, how bloody Lisa couldn’t tell that, I have no idea!  Aren’t gay people meant to have some kind of gaydar or something?  I mean, he’s so obviously gay.  I knew before he told me!

 

But yes, I do see, without her realising that, that watching him being a bit handsy with me was… a bit… stressful.  She doesn’t know him.  And he is handsy.  But he doesn’t mean anything by it.  It’s just his way.  He’s affectionate.  And it’s all very safe and platonic.  BECAUSE HE IS GAY!  He’s married.  To a man.  And she shouldn’t have even been there anyway.  She literally found out I was meeting a good looking male client, lost her mind and set up some meeting with a colleague so she could spy on me.

 

And then threatened Gareth with a sexual assault charge the moment my back was turned!  I mean, bloody hell!  It was only because he knows me so well that he didn’t just cancel his whole business with me.  He did advise me to dump her, which obviously I’m not going to do but we did fall out, albeit temporarily.  I was disappointed as well because I was actually going to tell him about Lisa, invite her over to our table, so I could introduce her.  He’d found out about me and Peter splitting up and was convinced I was seeing someone else, said I was glowing, looked amazing and there had to be a reason.  So, I was all set to explain what was making me so happy, when I got a phone call.  And that’s when Lisa barged over and embarrassed us both.  I was absolutely mortified.

 

I was really blunt with her.  I made it very clear that I do not do jealousy.  I mean, she was mortified too, to be fair.  She was very apologetic.  She’d got the wrong end of the stick and she really did try to make it right.  I brought her back to the flat with me while I spoke to Gareth on the phone and tried to repair things.

 

That led to a long conversation about where she and I stand with each other.  I was disappointed.  I thought we’d sorted all of this out on Monday, that she was willing to be patient with me.  I mean, we’ve arranged to spend Christmas with each other.  I’ve made it clear that I’m proud to be with her but she still thinks I’m in denial, that I want to keep everything behind closed doors.  I guess today would never have happened if people knew about us, if they knew I wasn’t in the market for any eligible men, if they knew I was dating Lisa.  I guess that’s the point.  And I do get how that could make her feel insecure.  We’ve fought hard to be together.  And I do want us to be together.  I want us to be just a normal couple, doing normal things.  I’m not ashamed to be with her.  I am so bloody proud to be with her.  Of everyone I’ve ever dated, Lisa is the most incredible person.  She’s the most honest, the most kind, the most beautiful soul.

 

So yeah, I’ve promised to be out and proud going forward.  I need to take that step and not be frightened anymore.  I need to show her that I’m not scared of the gossip and that I want to commit to this, to her.  Because I genuinely want her and Betsy to be my future.  I do.  I know it’s only been a few weeks but I’m in this for life already.  I’m already falling in love with her.

 

I asked for forgiveness.  She started messing about, which descended into a tickle fight.  I already know she’s very ticklish, so that was fun.  Of course, that led to a very heavy make out session.  That led us into the bedroom where we had some pretty amazing sex involving her handcuffs! 

 

Well, see, it started with me teasing her about whether she was truly sorry for messing up my business meeting.  She insisted she was.  I kept kissing her in different place – her lips, her neck, her tummy (I really like her tummy – I think it’s her piercing that does it for me, it was just so unexpected).  Then I made a joke about teaching her a lesson and wishing she had her handcuffs on her.  She kind of blushed and admitted that she did have her handcuffs because she was actually meant to be at work still, not making out with me on my sofa.  I felt a bit flustered and looked a bit suggestive.  I mean, this is all very new.  I don’t know yet what kind of stuff she’s into and not into.  I asked if she would.  She looked a bit hesitant but said yes.  I checked that she really meant it and then I thought my heart was going to burst because she kissed me said, “I trust you.”  It just… meant everything.

 

She went down to the car to get her cuffs while I waited for her in the bedroom.  And we had the most incredible sex.  I still can’t quite believe I had DS Swain handcuffed to my bed!  But it was glorious.  Getting to tease her, play with her and make her orgasm over and over again, all the while she couldn’t even touch me.  I even got my vibrator out, admitted it was the one I’ve used several times when I’ve thought about her and she let me use that too.  It’s the first time we’ve ever used toys or… aids.  It was hot.  It was really hot.

 

After I released her, we cuddled for ages, to the point we ended up falling asleep.  She told me she’d never used handcuffs before, which surprised me.  Then I worried that it wasn’t something she was into at all and she’d just put up with it for me.  She pointed out that she couldn’t have faked it that many times and she had definitely enjoyed herself.  She said she just hadn’t known it would be something she’d be into.  When partners had suggested it in the past, it had been an ‘arrest me DS Swain’ thing, or whatever her title had been at the time, which put her off.  But when I suggested it the other way round, she was curious, although she did add that putting me in cuffs was definitely not unappealing.  Noted!

 

We kissed and cuddled and snuggled up until we drifted off.  Then we woke up an hour ago with a bit of a start.  Lisa had to jump in the shower.  Then it was a very hurried goodbye before she had to dash off home.  I miss her already.

 

Lisa

 

18^th December 2024

22:22

 

I got into trouble with Betsy today for being late back.  I ended up falling asleep with Carla.  Then I had to have a shower and race back home.  Betsy wasn’t impressed and I don’t blame her.  I’ve really had to apologise.  I asked how I could make it up to her and she requested that we go out to dinner tomorrow.  Then she surprised me by suggesting we invite Carla.  She said that if Carla’s going to be in my life, to the point we’re spending Christmas together, then she ought to get to know her better, as a person, not just her boss.  So, I’ve texted Carla and she readily agreed.  We’re going tomorrow to this really nice Caribbean place Betsy’s requested. I’m looking forward to it.

 

It has been a very strange day.  I happened upon Izzy and Sarah gossiping in the café about Carla meeting a gorgeous male client for a business lunch and even suggesting she should go for it with him, as she’s single.  And I just lost my head.  I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.  I went full on crazy, jealous girlfriend.

 

I’ve been putting off doing this mentoring session for ages and today, I decided to schedule it in.  I invited my colleague, Louise for lunch.  I mean, I need to reschedule the whole thing because honestly, I barely spoke to her.  I hope she doesn’t report back because I completely embarrassed myself.  Honestly, it was mortifying.

 

I spoke to Carla as soon as she arrived at The Bistro.  She was completely oblivious.  She had no idea why I was there.  She even asked to spend some time together later.  I should have known then that there was nothing to be concerned about.  I should have known all along.  Carla isn’t that person.  She wouldn’t hurt me, wouldn’t betray me.  She cares about me.  She’s in this for real.

 

But I sat at my table, watching everything.  Stupidly, I didn’t think for a minute that the bloke was gay.  All I saw was him being extremely tactile with her and paying her compliment after compliment.  He was well aware that she and Peter were over.  And for a moment, I thought she was going to tell him about us.  She was, apparently.  She told me later.  But she got a phone call first.  And in that time, I decided to step in and warn him off her like some possessive, jealous prat.  I even threatened him with sexual harassment!  Just as Carla came back.  She looked absolutely aghast.

 

I knew I’d gone too far.  Carla yanked me to one side and told me off.  I was so scared that she was just going to dump me.  She was so furious.  She even told me that jealousy isn’t her thing and if this is how it’s going to be, she doesn’t want to be part of it.  Gareth left with a few choice words and I felt so bad for nearly fucking it up for her.  She spoke to him on the phone and smoothed things over, only because they go way back and she’s very charming.  He’s worried that she’s dating a crazy person though.

 

We ended up having a long talk though.  Well, a bit of a row, actually.  About her continuing to hide me away.  I know I was lashing out.  Being unfair.  We’d talked on Monday about me being patient, us spending Christmas together.  She even offered to come out if I wanted her to and I said it didn’t matter.  But I pushed her today.  I said I think she’s in denial, struggling with her sexuality.  I mean, it was mean of me.  She tried to explain on Monday how she was feeling.  I know it’s not that.  She’s not struggling with it.  She’s struggling with the labelling of it.  She’s struggling with the perception of it.  But she knows how she feels and she’s happy with how she feels.  She told me that.  She made it clear.  And she made it clear again today.  She insisted that she’s not embarrassed or ashamed.  But admitted that she hasn’t been as open about it as she could have been, that it’s a big thing to get her head around and she’d rather do it without the gossip.  She pointed out that the people she cares about already know.

 

I pushed her more and said that we’re both worth more than being hidden away.  She apologised and promised to be out and proud going forward.  So, that’s the plan.  No more hiding.  No more pretending to be ‘girlie pals’, no more people thinking she’s eligible to date handsome male clients.  Because she’s with me.  She’s my partner.  Mine.

 

Somehow, this ended up in a tickle fight.  Or, tickle torture.  I should never have given away that I’m ticklish.  That woman keeps using it against me!  Although, it did lead to her on top of me giving me some rather nice kisses too.  She’s got a bit of a thing for my belly button piercing and honestly, I’ve got a bit of a thing for her having a thing for it.  Becky didn’t like it.  She thought it was tacky.  It was something I had done for a laugh when I was young and I’d just got into the police.  We all did it.  Went out and got piercings or tattoos.  We thought it was hilarious at the time.  But then I kind of liked mine so I kept it.  I was starting to think I should probably take it out.  You know, at my age.  Widowed.  Single Mum and all that.  But now, with Carla.  I feel like I have a whole new lease of life.  And the piercing gets a LOT of attention.  I don’t know.  She makes me feel… attractive.  The way she looks at me.  The way she kisses me.  I don’t think anyone has ever wanted me like she does, not even Bex.  It’s an incredible feeling.

 

So, that’s why I said yes when she (sort of jokingly) brought up the subject of putting me in my handcuffs.  She was surprised I’ve never used handcuffs in the bedroom before.  It’s not that people have never asked me to cuff them before.  It was only Bex (a fellow police officer) that didn’t think being cuffed was a turn on.  But I just never went for it.  But Carla, on top of me, hands roaming, suggesting that I might offer my sincere apologies for wrecking her business meeting while handcuffed to her bed… it did something to me that I didn’t expect.  And I trusted her.  I trust her.  I know I am completely safe with her.

 

So, I went to get them.  Showed her how to use them.  And I let her undress me.  Cuff me to her headboard and oh… the things she did to me…  I mean, we’ve only been sleeping together for a few weeks but my, that woman is an expert!  She’s incredible.  She made me come over and over again and there was nothing I could do about it, which only made it more exciting.  I mean, obviously I could have told her to stop at any time but I didn’t want to.  Then, when I thought it was done, she pulled her vibrator out of her drawer, told me she used it when she fantasised about me and then used that to make me orgasm yet another couple of times.

 

I was exhausted when she finally let me free.  So was she!  We cuddled up together, just kissing and talking.  And that’s when we fell asleep.  We woke up a couple of hours later in a bit of a panic.  There was no way I could go home without a shower after all that but then I had to run off.  I hated having to have such a hurried goodbye.  I miss her already. 

 

Oh shit.  I left my handcuffs there!

 

Carla

 

19^th December 2024

9:30am

 

Lisa has just been by the factory to collect her handcuffs!  She left them at my flat!  She was so embarrassed.  But I made sure we were discreet.  I mean, that could have been the way to come out to everyone, I suppose – given them back to her on the factory floor!  Perhaps not, eh?  I definitely need my staff working today, not gossiping about my sex life and whether I’ve got any kinks.  We’ve got such a big rush on.  And they’re distracted enough with Christmas joviality.  I’m trying not to be Scrooge about it but I do need them to focus.

 

Plus, I need to find some time to buy Lisa – and Betsy – their Christmas presents.  I’ve already done my shopping for Ryan, Bobby, Roy, Nina and Michelle.  I did that ages ago.  But I’ve been stressed out of my head over what to get the girls.  My girls.  I want to get Betsy something… impressive?  Something that will win her over a bit, I guess.  I mean, it’s a slightly awkward position to be in, her boss but also her mother’s girlfriend.  But I don’t want to look like a try hard either.  Or that I’m overstepping any boundaries with Lisa.  And as for Lisa… I mean, what do you get a woman you’re falling head over heels in love with but haven’t said that to and have actually only been dating for a few weeks?  It needs to be perfectly balanced, you know?

 

Lisa

 

19^th December 2024

13:34

 

I had to go to Underworld this morning to get my handcuffs from Carla!  I am so glad nobody caught us!  How embarrassing would that have been to explain?!  She thought the whole thing was hilarious and is very keen for a repeat of yesterday’s session.  To be honest, so am I.  I could hardly sleep last night, replaying it all.  And I should have been able to; she absolutely exhausted me!

 

I’ve got the day off work tomorrow.  I think I might surprise her, try and persuade her to take the afternoon off or something.  Not necessarily to handcuff her to the bed or anything but just, you know, to spend some time together.  I love spending time with her so much.

 

Next time... Betsy gets drunk, Carla and Lisa come out and Carla and The Swains spend Christmas together...

Chapter 29: Christmas

Notes:

Bit of a long one but I hope those reading will enjoy it!

Carla

 

20^th December 2024

10:09pm

 

Dinner with Betsy last night went really well, which was a relief.  It was our first dinner out together, as a three so I was a bit nervous.  But we had a good time.  I dropped them off back home and didn’t stay because I had to been at work mega early this morning for what turned out to be a good day, all in all.  A bit random but good.

 

So, we were crazy busy at work.  And then everything fell apart when I let Kirk plug in the Christmas lights to go with their very irritating Christmas music.  To be fair, it is the last Friday before Christmas.  But it was very annoying, as I really needed them to focus today.  But the lights blew the electrics and we ended up with no lights and no power.

 

I then spent the morning trying to get hold of an electrician.  And I was quite proud of myself, as I deliberately found a female electrician.  I was looking forward to telling Lisa about it, thinking she would be proud of me.  (She wasn’t that bothered.  She had other things on her mind).

 

She turned up in the middle of it all with mince pies and eggnog, if you please!  She wanted me to let everyone go, close the factory and skive of for the afternoon!  I mean, her little treats were hilarious and not what I expected at all.  I realised that the electrician wasn’t coming.  Sally was being particularly annoying.  And Lisa was sat there looking so bloody cute.  So, I gave in and let everyone go.  They all scarpered, leaving Lisa and I to enjoy a nice drink in my office.

 

We soon headed to the flat and had a LOVELY afternoon.  We had a glass of wine before we took things to the bedroom.  There was something quite exciting about knocking off for the afternoon for a cheeky little bunk up.  A bit like the first day we got together, actually!  I’m really struggling to convey just how amazing this woman is.  What it’s like when she touches me.  The way she takes my breath away when she kisses me.  I’ve never experienced anything like this before.  The way making love can last hours.  She’s so detailed, so delicate and yet she’s so hot and passionate.  She makes me throb with desire every time I look at her.  But she also makes me feel safe, you know?  Like we can also sit in our comfy clothes, watching telly, eating snacks, being silly.  I feel like there’s nothing we can’t talk about, nothing I can’t share.  Well, except perhaps that I own the pub.  I haven’t told her that yet.  I will.  Just not yet.

 

Unfortunately, our lovely afternoon was interrupted.  We were pretty worn out, so Lisa got up to get us a couple of glasses of water, only to find Bobby, Fiz and Kirk in the kitchen.  Needless to say, everyone got a bit of a shock.  Bobby kindly redirected them out of the flat but it was pretty obvious why she was there, in my dressing gown.  Either that or she was ‘a very relaxed burglar’, as she put it.  Cheeky cow!  After they left, I came out wrapped up in the bedsheets and dragged her back to bed.  We never did get that water.  We were too busy with round four.  I love that lesbian sex is never done.  You just keep pleasuring each other until you’re ready to curl up in each other’s arms.  It’s a revelation!  I love it.

 

I love her. 

 

I know that’s really fast.  I’ve never fallen this hard and this fast for someone before.  Never.  This just isn’t me.  I’m no sap.  Except I am.  With Lisa, I am.  I’m ready to give her my whole heart.  I know we’ve not even been together a month yet and I am already in so deep.  I can’t help myself.  I would do anything for her.  She has become my whole world.

 

Afterwards, we cuddled up on the sofa.  I fed her chocolates and we wondered how long the peak office gossip would take the get round the Street.  Just as Sally rang!  For a moment there, I genuinely wondered if she was phoning to ask if we were sleeping together!  But no, Mason had brought a very drunk Betsy over to hers and Tim’s house.  She’d swiped a bottle of the gin I’d bought for everyone for Christmas (I’d bought Betsy some posh lemonade).  I mean, of course she did.  I shouldn’t have expected anything else really.

 

I was a bit frustrated to have to hurry to get dressed to rush over to Sal’s.  I was thoroughly enjoying my lovely afternoon with Lisa.  But then, I guess I’m going to have to get used to this sort of thing if I’m dating the Mum of a rebellious teenager.  And actually, I quite liked that we went together to sort her out.  Betsy was pissed out of her head.  She was not pleased to see us.  Lisa was certain that it was all Mason’s fault but Sally was quick to defend him.  It was all Betsy and I can absolutely believe it.  I literally had to put my hand over her mouth to stop her puking over Sal’s soft furnishings.  Lisa was mortified.

 

We bundled Betsy into a taxi, both of us disappointed to have to say goodbye to each other so abruptly.  We talked about going on a proper date, which I’m really looking forward to.  I saw Sally deliberately coming out of her house.  Evidently, she needed to come out and polish the wreath on her door.  Yeah, right.  We’d obviously piqued her interest by turning up together.  So, I just went for it.  I kissed her goodbye, right in front of Sally. Peak Office Gossip.

 

I watched Lisa get into the cab.  Said goodbye to Sally, whose face was an absolute picture.  Then I headed back home, where I’ve been ever since.  I had a shower because we didn’t have time between sex, cuddles and then rushing out to sort Betsy out.  I’ve been missing Lisa ever since she left.  I’ve spoken to her.  She managed to Betsy to eat some toast, drink some water and drink some preparatory paracetamol .  Then she put her to bed.

 

As for us… we had quite an… interesting conversation.  One minute, we were just chatting and then we got talking about this afternoon.  How much we enjoyed ourselves.  And the next thing I know, well, the conversation got a bit… frisky.  I wouldn’t say it was phone sex exactly but it was… hot.  It was definitely hot.  She is hot.  She told me all the things she loved doing to me.  All the things she loved me doing to her.  And I told her the same.  It made me feel pretty fidgety to say the least.  I might have to… relax myself later.  Maybe I’ll call her back when I’m in bed…!

 

Lisa

 

20^th December 2024

22:32

 

I took mince pies and eggnog to the factory, just as they were in the middle of a power cut.  Apparently, Kirk had plugged in the Christmas lights and created some kind of surge.  Carla was not a happy bunny.  So, I was more determined than ever to put a smile on her face.  I managed to persuade her to let everyone go and spend some time with me instead.  To be fair, it didn’t take that much persuading. 

 

We had the eggnog and a mince pie at the factory and then slipped back to the flat for a glass of wine.  Then we headed to the bedroom for an absolutely amazing afternoon.  Honestly, I cannot get enough of this woman.  I wonder if it’s too soon to suggest a weekend away somewhere.  If I could arrange for Betsy to spend the weekend with my sister, perhaps Carla and I could spend the weekend in a nice, cosy cottage somewhere.  No interruptions.  Just us.  That would be incredible.  I’d love just having her all to myself.  No work for either of us.  We could really get to know each other.  But is it too soon?  We haven’t even been together a month yet.  I don’t want to rush things.  But then, she did suggest that we spent Christmas together.  That’s a big deal.  A commitment.

 

I have bought most of Carla’s Christmas presents now.  It took me ages to choose the right gifts.  I really hope she’ll like them.  It has been a long time since I bought presents for a new girlfriend.  And the last time I did, that girlfriend wasn’t a well off business woman so she was a bit easier to impress!

 

So, Carla and I were… enjoying ourselves.  We’d kind of worn ourselves out so I went into the kitchen to get us some water and I thought I might grab the bottle of wine we’d left too, when I realised Bobby, Kirk and Fiz were in the flat.  Bobby had brought them back with him, as they’d been kicked out of the pub for smuggling their own booze in.  Thankfully, Bobby took pity on me, stood there in a panic, in Carla’s dressing gown.  I mean, I guess that’s one way for us to come out!

 

Once they left, Carla appeared, wrapped up in the bedsheets.  She was so giggly and cute and she just took my breath away.  She looked… radiant.  How did I get so lucky that Carla Connor wants me?  Honestly, I have to pinch myself sometimes to remind myself that this is actually real.  Sometimes, you know… afterwards… I love just lying there, watching her.  Gazing at her face while she’s resting or sleeping.  She looks so relaxed, peaceful, ethereal.  Perfect.

 

We got up and had a cuddle on the sofa.  She fed me chocolates.  Kissed me.  Kept her hands on me.  We chatted about the peak office gossip that would likely be spreading round about us.  I was impressed that she didn’t seem bothered about it.  I dared to hope that she felt proud of me, of us, that she was ready to come out for real about our relationship and not just because we’d been caught.  I mean, the way we’ve been carrying on, I suppose it was only a matter of time.  It’s been almost impossible to keep our hands off each other.

 

Unfortunately, our afternoon was interrupted by Sally (who introduced herself to me this morning like we’ve never met – it was very strange), ringing Carla to say that Mason had brought Betsy over, steaming drunk.  At first, I thought Mason was responsible but it turned out that Betsy had swiped a bottle of gin that Carla had bought for Sally for Christmas.  She’d bought everyone a bottle of gin and Betsy some posh lemonade.  She’s really thoughtful like that.  She told me she’s bought Betsy some ‘Mum’s girlfriend’ presents but the lemonade was a ‘boss’ present.  She really is a cutie.

 

We had to hurry to get dressed and race round there.  We called a taxi and I very grumpily put her in.  She wasn’t any happier to see us, to be honest.  She was shrieking and embarrassing and kept insulting me.  I apologised to Carla and then… she kissed me goodbye.  Right in the middle of the Street, where anyone could have seen us.  I mean, we were right outside Sally’s house.  I don’t know if Carla knew she was there or not but… well, she was.  I only knew afterwards because Carla said goodbye to her.  We’ve arranged to go on a proper date (me and Carla, not me and Sally).  I’m really looking forward to it.

 

Since I’ve been home, I’ve sorted Betsy out and put her to bed.  I’ve showered.  I spoke to Carla and things got a little… risqué, which I wasn’t expecting.  It was fun.  I enjoy having those flirty, suggestive conversations with her.  She drives me a little bit crazy.  Oh, hang on, she’s phoning again.

 

Lisa

 

21^st December 2024

16:03

 

So… we had phone sex last night.  It was a new experience for me and I definitely didn’t hate it.  I felt really shy at first but Carla is very… convincing.  Very persuasive.  She told me she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about me all evening, especially since our chat earlier and wondered if I might like to ‘finish’ the call.  I checked Betsy was definitely asleep and then I got into bed and we just… talked.  Described what we imagined doing to each other, what we were doing to ourselves.  I loved hearing her come, knowing she was touching herself under my instruction, at the thought of the things we might do together, the things we’ve already done together.  It was so hot.

 

This morning, I went shopping for the last few bits.  It’s been quite liberating not having to do a Christmas food shop.  All I’ve bought are snacks and meals for the rest of the week.  No big roast on Christmas Day.  I am so excited for pizza in our pyjamas, the three of us.  And so excited at the idea of waking up on Christmas morning in Carla’s arms.  It’s been a long time since I woke up in someone’s arms on Christmas Day.  Since I woke up happy.

 

I’ve now bought all of Betsy’s presents, all of Carla’s presents and gifts for my sister and her family.  I’m taking Betsy round there tomorrow to do present exchanges.  I told my sister about Carla last week, when she started harassing me about Christmas and why we aren’t spending it with them (she doesn’t usually want us there anyway, I don’t think).  She was surprised I’m seeing someone again.  She made a few comments about me moving on from Becky.  I’m not moving on from Becky.  I hate that phrase.  It’s not about moving on, like I’m leaving her behind, forgetting her.  I could never do that.  But I’m learning to move forward with my life, learning to be happy again and that’s a really important thing to do.  I’d want Becky to do that and I think she’d want me to do it too.

 

I caught up with Carla this afternoon.  We didn’t get the chance to see each other for long because I promised Betsy a girls’ night in tonight, if she is well enough.  She is suffering a major hangover after yesterday.  She’s even lost her sarcasm.  But we wanted to see each other today.  This day last month was the first day we ever slept together.  It might have ended badly but it was a wonderful day!  And it changed everything for us, even if it took a while for me to get my act together and declare my feelings properly.  I will never ever forget how amazing it was, being with her that first time.  And quite frankly, every time since.  She’s even good in bed on the phone!

 

She told me today that the peak office gossip is definitely circulating.  Bobby told her this morning that Sally gate crashed his evening with Kirk and Fiz to proudly inform them that she’d seen us kissing (Carla did kiss me on purpose yesterday, which makes me feel all kinds of proud).  Fiz had obviously suspected when she’d seen me, Bobby had explained it was old news and the most surprising thing was that Kirk had suspected anyway.  Ages ago.  He said it was the way we looked at each other.  I mean, that’s quite cute, isn’t it?

 

I also heard on the grapevine that Dee Dee is pregnant with Joel’s baby.  I was surprised because we’d had a long conversation previously about her beliefs about no sex before marriage.  But then, he was a manipulative bastard.  She’s going to give the baby up for adoption but first, it’s possible that as a sibling of Frankie, the baby may be able to help him, as he is poorly again with a rare type of anaemia.  I’m not entirely clear on the details.  I’ve been kind of out of the loop since being accused of murder, being suspended, going on leave, being in my little bubble with Carla and everything.  But it might explain how difficult Dee Dee has been at times, with everything she’s had going on.  I do hope she’s okay.  I’ll try and drop in on her when I get a minute.

 

Carla

 

21^st December 2024

8:45pm

 

A month ago, Lisa and I slept together for the first time.  How mad is that?  And on the same day, it all fell to pieces.  I genuinely thought it was the first and last time.  But then I was attacked and she spent that whole night with me in the hospital.  She visited me every single day.  And then she told me she had feelings for me.  And we’ve been inseparable every day since.  We’re actually approaching a month together.  Is it silly that I feel a little giddy about that?  And I might have bought her a little extra gift for that day.  You know, just to mark it.

 

I just feel so incredible close to her.  Like I can trust her, rely on her for anything, feel safe with her in any situation.  Things are going so well between us.  I never want this feeling to go away.  All the fun, the sex, the laughter, the getting to know each other.  And the faith that this is built on something real and honest.  She has such a beautiful soul.  It’s funny because to the world, DS Swain is such a formidable character but at home, Lisa is so soft, so open, so gentle.  I don’t think anyone would believe it.  She’s so sensitive and so loving.  She’s such a good police officer because she takes things to heart, because she cares so much.  But she has to strike this balance of professionalism.  It must be exhausting.  So, I feel very honoured to be the one to provide the cuddles and the kisses and a little place of sanctuary for her now, when she’s not had that for so many years.

 

And our sanctuary last night was indulging in a little bit of phone sex!  She’s never done it before, can you believe that?!  Who hasn’t had phone sex?!  Or is that just me?  Well, she broke me in to sex with a woman; I’ve broken her in to sex on the phone.  And she did a marvellous job.  Not just for her first time.  She just did a marvellous job.  Got me right off, so to speak.  I love her voice.  There is something incredibly attractive about her voice.  So, telling me what she wanted to do to me, what she was doing to herself… yeah, it very much got me there.  Maybe next time I should suggest a video call…

 

I finished off all my shopping this morning from the comfort of my lounge.  Poor Lisa dragged herself out to town on the last Saturday before Christmas.  Is she actually mad?  She came to visit this afternoon and I helped her relax.  She’s having a girls’ night with Betsy this evening, if the kid can drag herself out of her pit.  Apparently, she is feeling awful after yesterday’s antics.  And she’s busy all day tomorrow, visiting her sister. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do without her all weekend!  Well, I’m taking the boys out for Sunday lunch, actually before Ryan jets off to Ireland to spend Christmas with his Mum.  She’s half mad at me for not coming to visit and half teasing me like crazy for being so loved up with Lisa that I can’t bear to be away from her. 

 

Lisa and I are going on our proper date on Monday evening and I cannot wait!  She’s invited me to come and sleep the night at hers.  Then she and Betsy are coming to stay here from Christmas Eve until Lisa has to go back to work.  I am glad she has Christmas off.  Betsy said she often doesn’t, or she’s on call.  So, it’s quite wonderful that she’s managed this year – and she has New Year’s Eve off too.  We’re going to go to The Rovers to bring the New Year in.  Even Roy said he’d come!  He’ll be glad to see this year out, I think.

 

Oh, the peak office gossip is spreading already.  Sally told Bobby, Fiz and Kirk, all of whom obviously already knew.  Bobby because we’d told him, Fiz because of what she’d seen and Kirk (how cute is this?), because he’d seen the way we look at each other.

 

Carla

 

23^rd December 2024

10:12am

 

I think I have massively fucked up.  I’m really worried and I don’t know what to do.  I thought she wanted me to tell people about us.  I thought it would make her happy.  I mean, we had a row about it last week.  And she was so chuffed when I kissed her in front of Sally and started to let people know.  So, this morning, I told the whole team about us.  And now she’s pissed off with me.  Well, Betsy was pissed off first and then Lisa was embarrassed and pissed off.  Then she left.  And I was embarrassed.  And now I don’t know what to do.

 

Hang on, she’s ringing me.

 

Carla

 

23^rd December 2024

10:45am

 

Okay, I feel a bit better.  We talked properly and we both apologised.  I should have been a bit more tactful.  Betsy probably didn’t need me making a big statement right in front of her.  I wasn’t thinking about her.  And I should have been.  If I’m dating Lisa, I need to be thinking about Betsy just as much.

 

But equally, Lisa apologised to me.  She was really compassionate about what a big deal it was for me to stand up and tell my friends, my staff about us being in a relationship (not that anyone batted an eyelid anyway) and she was really sorry she wasn’t there for me, wasn’t supportive.  She said she’d just been really worried about Betsy and felt really mindful of how what we did impacted her.  She hadn’t expected me to say anything so she hadn’t been able to prepare her.  And then when she’d made that comment, it had made her worry that maybe she wasn’t as okay with everything as she’d thought.

 

They’d had a bit of a rough weekend.  Betsy was still hungover this morning.  Their girls’ night had not been fun.  Betsy treated it like a chore and then picked a fight with her, accusing her of not wanting to be with her, of only ever wanting to be with me.  Then she’d refused to go to her aunt’s house yesterday because she felt too rough, which left Lisa going on her own.  Her sister moaned that she’d cooked for two of them and wondered why Lisa hadn’t brought me with her when Betsy ditched.  So, apparently, I’m invited next time.  That’ll be nice.  Weird but nice.  Being included in Lisa’s family.  I haven’t really met anyone of Lisa’s apart from Betsy.  No family.  No friends.  She knows all my people – even Michelle.  It makes me think about taking her off to Ireland to actually meet her in person.  Of all the wonderful things she and I will get to do together over the years.  All the holidays, the days out, the days in… all the lovely things in our future together, right the way through to little old ladyhood.  I’m so excited to spend the rest of my life with her.  And I do hope that’s what we’ll have.

 

Lisa

 

23^rd December 2024

17:00

 

It’s not been the easiest of days.  It’s not been the easiest of weekends, actually.

 

I spent most of it without Carla.  I did most of my Christmas prep.  Battled Betsy and her ridiculous hangover.  We had a blazing row on Saturday night, which was really disappointing, as we actually haven’t argued in weeks.  We’ve been getting on really well.  But she accused me of not wanting to spend time with her and only wanting to devote my time to Carla.  And to be fair, I have been spending a lot of time with Carla lately.  We’re in the first flourish of a relationship.  Betsy is entirely unbothered by my whole existence.  Of course I want to spend time with Carla.  She wants to be with me.  She makes me laugh.  She cares about what kind of day I’ve had.  She gives me mind blowing orgasms.  Why on earth would I not want to be around her?!

 

Betsy also refused to go to my sister’s yesterday, which was so embarrassing.  My sister was really hacked off.  And then told me off for not bringing Carla in Betsy’s place.  How was I to know she was invited?!  I would have loved to have brought Carla!  Well, she’s invited to the next family occasion, apparently.  I’ve told her and she seemed pretty pleased.  Sometimes… she looks at me with this expression on her face and it just makes my heart soar.  It’s like I’ve written her name in starlight and all I did was fail to invite her to my sister’s house for Sunday lunch.  She makes me feel so special all the time.

 

So, you can imagine how shit I felt this morning when I completely fucked up.  I really hurt her.  I know I did.  Although, she tried to cover because she’s Carla and she always tries to protect my feelings.

 

I was stressed anyway because I’d seen a photo on Mason’s social media (Betsy said I was a stalker because I follow him; I like to refer to myself an attentive parent).  It seems like yesterday, while Betsy was ‘struggling with her hangover’, she decided to invite Mason round and into her bedroom.  And he posted the photo online.  Nothing untoward was happening but I am NOT happy about Betsy having boys in her room.  She’s already told me she’s not slept with him or anyone, or at least that was true a few months ago.  I hope it’s still true.  I was happier when he was behind bars and couldn’t go near her, especially now I know his brothers killed her mother.  I just have to prove it.  I’m struggling.  But I do not want my daughter’s first time (or any time) to be with him. 

 

So, I wasn’t in the best of moods when I went to the factory to see Carla.  And I didn’t take it great when she blindsided me and announced our relationship to the entirety of her staff.  It would have been fine but a) I don’t love grand gestures and b) Betsy was there and she made some sarky comment, making it clear that she was not impressed at having our family life on display.  I feel so bloody bad about it because Carla was only doing what I asked her to do, to be out and proud about us and she must have got whiplash with my reaction.  It’s not an excuse but I was so stressed about Betsy and thrown by Carla.

 

I left but I phoned Carla as soon as I got to the station.  I stayed in the car and rang her.  She answered after the first ring and I felt even worse; she was so desperate to talk to me.  She apologised but it was me who needed to apologise and I did.  I explained and apologised and we made peace.  I thanked her for being so willing to tell people about us.  And I think we’re okay now.  I’m just about to get ready for our date at The Bistro.  I’m really looking forward to it.  She’s coming to stay the night and I’m really looking forward to that. Then tomorrow, I need to pack, as Betsy and I are going to spend Christmas at Carla’s flat.  I’m so excited!

 

Carla

 

Christmas Eve

3:40pm

 

So, it turns out that DS Swain keeps a diary as religiously as I do!  So, we’re currently sat on the sofa together, each writing our own entries.  How coupled up are we?  We decided to write now, as we thought we might be… occupied later.  I’m certainly intending to be occupied later anyway!  Although we’re going to have to try and be quiet.  We had Betsy actually banging on Lisa’s bedroom door last night and that was really embarrassing.  And my flat is a lot smaller than Lisa’s lovely house.  So, yeah… we’ll have to be a bit more mindful of noise.  I mean, we were being mindful last night but obviously not mindful enough!

 

I was still kind of stressed yesterday, even after I spoke to Lisa, so I called Betsy into my office.  She was still sullen.  Still hungover.  She made a few jibes about Lisa.  Mostly, she was pissed off about her Mum not accepting her relationship with Mason.  She admitted to me that Mason had stayed over one night that Lisa was at mine.  Well, at that point, Lisa didn’t even know that.  She thought the photo was from Sunday, when Betsy claimed to be too ill to go to her aunt’s house.  So, I gather there was another argument in the afternoon, after I made Betsy tell Lisa the truth.  Obviously, I stood up for Lisa and I reminded Betsy that I’m already keeping a big secret for her.  I begged her to just start again with her Mum. And against my better judgement, invited her to dinner with us, turning our special date into a family dinner.  I just wanted to show them both that I’m in this for keeps.  That I care about both of them, about their relationship.  I always have, even before Lisa and I got together.  I want to support them.  I suppose I want, eventually, us to be some kind of family.

 

Well, when Lisa turned up on the date I began to seriously question my life choices.  Why the hell I’d invited a teenager out with us, I had no bloody idea.  Lisa looked fucking amazing.  Far more appetising than anything they could possibly have put on the menu.  I honestly wanted to cancel the table and go straight home with her.  Yeah, she needs to wear that outfit again.  Often.  Just for me.

 

She apologised again for earlier and I assured her it was all fine.  I told her I’d invited Betsy to join us, which surprised her.  I listened to her funny work stories.  I mean, I could have sat and listened to her read the phone book, as long as she was wearing that outfit.

 

Then Betsy turned up.  With Mason.  And to be fair, the poor boy was trailing behind her like a bewildered puppy.  He hadn’t chosen to be there.  He was being majorly bossed around by his girlfriend.  Who was battling her equally bossy mother.  Mason and I appear to have something in common; we like bossy women. Actually, we have a couple of things in common.  Lisa and Betsy might come from privilege but he and I were both dragged up.  I might not have been a bully or a thug.  My trauma might not have come out the same way it came out in him but I recognise that look in his eyes.  I’m not saying I can ever completely forgive him for what he put Liam through – because I’ve been in Liam’s position too and obviously I’ve lost someone that way – but I also have compassion for Mason.  Or, I certainly did tonight.  I struggled with the way Lisa was judging him, based largely on his family, his brothers.  He can’t help who he’s related to or what estate he’s from.  He clearly adores Betsy and he’s obviously making an effort to try and turn his life around.  I’m shocked that Lisa can’t see that.

 

She was so angry though.  So frustrated.  So horrified that Betsy would have the audacity to bring Mason Radcliffe to our table.  I tried to talk her round and she looked so betrayed.  She left to get some air.  When she came back, I pointed out that the more she tries to push Betsy, the more Betsy’s going to want Mason.  I wondered if she was tarring Mason with the same brush as his family.  She said she wanted better for Betsy.  It just made me think, what does she really think of me?  She knows where I grew up.  She knows what my Mum was like, what Rob did.  Is she secretly judging me?  I don’t know.  It’s made me feel a bit… insecure?

 

But she did come through for Betsy and for Mason.  She came back to the table and the four of us sat down together.  She apologised, shook his hand, told him he could call her by her first name and wanted to start again.  And the little look she gave me, like she wanted my approval just made me melt.  So, maybe she isn’t judging me?  I don’t know.  Maybe I just need to ask if I’m feeling anxious.  She’s right next to me, for goodness’ sake!

 

We actually did have a nice evening.  A nice dinner.  We sent Mason back to Sally and Tim’s.  He’s staying there at the moment and they’ve invited him for Christmas, apparently, which is nice of them.  Although, I gather they’re going to be out for a lot of the day, as they’ve been invited to Gail’s wedding.  I haven’t!  I mean, I was her daughter in law for five minutes, I suppose and she does hold a grudge against those who have broken her kids’ hearts.  Especially her favourite.  Oops. 

 

Still, I’ve got my day planned and it does not involve formal wear.  In fact, I have bought us all new, matching pyjamas, which I will be gifting us all tonight, ready for tomorrow!

 

Lisa drove the three of us home and we watched some Christmas TV together.  We decided against a film because we’re having a film fest on Christmas Day.  We’ve all chosen a film each and we’re going to surprise each other with it on the day.  We’ve chosen back ups too, in case we choose each other’s.  Obviously, I’ve chosen Love Actually.  The last time I watched it was when I packed Peter off, or was in the process of doing so.  I sobbed through it.  It feels strange, knowing I’m going to be watching it this year, tucked up on the sofa with my girlfriend and her daughter.  How life changes.

 

After Betsy went to bed, Lisa and I enjoyed a nice glass of wine together.  I told her I was proud of her for sitting down with Mason.  I suppose that was the moment to bring up how insecure I was feeling.  But I didn’t. I was too scared of her answer or of making things uncomfortable.  She thanked me for pushing her, for supporting her, for always being the person she needs.  Then she just came and cuddled me and it was so lovely.  I sat on the sofa with her in my arms for probably an hour, just stroking her hair and playing with her fingers.  I love her hair.  I love her fingers, actually.  We hardly even talked really.  A bit.  But not much.  It was just the loveliest of cuddles.  So safe.  So calm.  So comforting.

 

All insecurities fell out of my head at bedtime.  We were half undressed and I was straddling her lap when she asked me if she’d been a good girl tonight.  I wasn’t expecting the question to make my stomach do the little flip that it did.  Suddenly, I just couldn’t leave her alone, heaping praise on her, kissing her all over until she was sat on the edge of the bed in nothing but soaked underwear.  Not that I was faring much better.  I was knelt on the floor, sliding them off, parting her legs, kissing her thighs, still telling her what a good girl she was, although I’m not sure a good girl would have been as delicious wet as she was…  I loved the expression on her face, right before she threw herself back on the bed and just let me play.

 

And we were right in the middle of it, my tongue thrusting away, Lisa coming against my mouth – to be fair, quite loudly – when there was a very loud bang on the door!  Betsy was demanding that we shut up before she needed therapy!  We both burst out laughing.  Lisa grabbed a pillow and shoved it over her face.  I buried my face between her legs just to muffle my laughter but that made her cry out because she was so sensitive.  We forgot immediately about Betsy and I started kissing her and exploring her all over again.  She directed her cries into the pillow and thankfully, Betsy didn’t complain again.  Not until this morning anyway.

 

When it was my turn, I made sure I was quiet and when I absolutely couldn’t be, I also grabbed the pillow!  I love exploring all this new stuff with her, learning what we both like, what turns us both on.  I love that at our age (well, she’s a bit younger than me), we can still surprise ourselves.  I mean, Lisa herself has been the biggest surprise!  Who knew after a lifetime of being with men, the person who would turn me on more than anything, would be a woman?  Honestly, I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want Lisa, never fancied anyone more.  And I do know we always think that about our current partner but this is actually true.  The desire I have for her is so strong.  She drives me crazy.

 

So, we had a slightly awkward breakfast.  Betsy made it very clear that she didn’t appreciate the noise coming from Lisa’s bedroom.  She was very descriptive about what she heard, which was mortifying for both of us.  So yeah, we’ll have to be more careful tonight, being that we’re in closer quarters.

 

We dropped her into town to hang out with her mates and stayed out ourselves for a bit to have one of those fancy Christmas coffees in Nero.  Don’t tell Roy!  It was lovely just wandering down the high street with Lisa, holding hands, taking in the bustling Christmas atmosphere.  Everything has been so hectic in the run up to Christmas and especially with me being off sick for a lot of it, we’ve not really had the opportunity to do that sort of thing.  I feel like we’ve missed out on some of the fun Christmas stuff.  I didn’t even put on a Christmas Party for Underworld this year.  She did help me put up my tree though and she even bought me a little decoration to put on it, which was super cute.  We’ll make up for all that next year though.  She can be my date to the party; we can do all the silly Christmas shit and who knows?  Maybe it’ll be our tree?  Yeah, I know I’m probably getting ahead of myself but I’m excited.  I’m actually looking forward to next year and everything it’ll bring, everything Lisa and I will celebrate and share together.

 

The only anxiety I have is that family thing.  You know, Mason?  What she thinks of him.  What she might really think of me?  Should I say something?  Just… get it off my chest?

 

Lisa

 

Christmas Eve 2024

15:40

 

I am at Carla’s and we will be here for the next few days, Betsy and me.  Betsy is still out with her mates but Carla and I have had a lovely day.  We had a slightly awkward breakfast with Bets back at home, where she proceeded to (in great detail) complain about all the noise coming from my bedroom last night.  We did try and be quiet but honestly, if you’ve got Carla Connor between your thighs, you are going to make noise!

 

We took her into town to meet her friends and then we went for a bit of a wander.  We went to Nero for one of their Christmas coffees.  It was nice to just go out and relax, soak up a bit of Christmas.  We both realised that we’ve kind of missed that this year.  I mean, I’ve missed that for the last few years.  But together, we’ve missed it, what with everything that’s been going on and Carla recovering from her bleed on the brain.  She realised she hadn’t even thrown her staff a Christmas Party, so she’s going to try and make it up to them in the New Year.  I can’t help thinking that perhaps next year, she and I can do it right.  We could maybe take a trip to Birmingham and do the Christmas markets.  I love doing that.  We can brave our Christmas shopping together, the stuff we don’t get online.  We did put her tree up together and she liked the bauble I got her.  And we said today that the Christmas coffee was the start of our Christmas Eve tradition.  I like that she’s not afraid of looking to the future.

 

Since we’ve come back here, we’ve just chilled and chatted.  We ended up talking about diaries and realised that we both keep them and write in them every day.  So, now we’re both tucked up beside each other on the sofa, writing.  It feels very comfortable, very domesticated.  She keeps glancing at me and grinning and I can’t help wondering if she’s writing about me like I’m writing about her.

 

Yesterday turned out fine in the end.  I met Carla at The Bistro for our date.  It was going fine until Carla told me that she’d invited Betsy to join us.  I get why she did it.  She was trying to bring the three of us together and make up for this morning.  And dinner had gone so well the other night.  Not that she did anything wrong.  And we had already spoken about that on the phone.  I called her and apologised.  I felt so bad about it all.  Reacting the way I did when she was trying to do the right thing, trying to make me happy.   I think she’s forgiven me.

 

Unfortunately, Betsy took the invitation to mean that Mason was also invited to dinner.  Obviously, I hit the roof.  We argued.  Thank goodness, Carla was there and she calmed me down, persuaded me to play nice. Sometimes, I have no idea what I’d do without her.  Often, actually.  I know I can be hot headed at times, reactive.  But Carla is so calming, so rational.  She pointed out that the more I push against Mason, the more into him Betsy’s going to be so I may as well just go with it for now.  She was also concerned that I’m tarring him the same brush as his family.  She’s right, of course.  I am.  But she doesn’t know the depth of what I know about his family.  She doesn’t know what Matty and Logan did – to Becky or to her.  Perhaps I should just tell her.  It’s against protocol.  It’s still an active investigation (as far as I’m concerned anyway) but if I could explain my fears then maybe she would understand a bit more.

 

I did listen to her though.  I sat down to dinner with Mason.  I apologised and shook the boy’s hand.  To his credit, he was really polite, really grateful to get fed and perfectly respectful of all three of us all night.  Betsy seemed genuinely pleased with the effort I made.  Nobody noticed me asking questions about his family, trying to glean bits of information from him.  And Carla seemed proud of me.

 

Really proud of me actually.

 

When we were in the bedroom last night, she was on my lap, kissing me.  I love it when she’s on my lap.  I asked her if I’d been a good girl.  I didn’t even mean it like that.  Probably.  But the question seemed to do something to her and subsequently to me too and the next thing I knew, she was all over me, telling me what a good girl I was before she made me come VERY LOUDLY.  Which had Betsy banging on the door, complaining.  That was pretty embarrassing but I wouldn’t take it back.  It was so good!  She is so good.  And who knew I had a praise kink?  Definitely not me!  Carla is teaching me a lot about myself…

 

Lisa

 

Christmas Day 2024

22:15

 

It has been the best Christmas I’ve had in years!  Honestly, I am so happy.  Being with Carla makes me so happy.

 

The three of us had such a lovely day.  It was literally what we planned.  We’ve spent the whole day in our PJs (new, matching, Christmas ones that Carla bought us and gave us last night.  She was so shy about giving them to us.  I think she was worried about Betsy rejecting them but Betsy loved them.  She wanted to put them on straightaway but we persuaded her to wait until this morning so we could spend the day in them).

 

I made breakfast.  I’m kind of used to cooking in Carla’s kitchen now, as I’ve made her a few dinners over the last few weeks, while she’s been poorly.  Then we did presents.  Carla was so generous.  She bought Betsy loads of things to help her with her college work and her design projects.  Like, really expensive kit.  She also bought her some new ear buds, as she lost hers last week.  She asked me if that was an appropriate present.  I was worried she was spending too much but she said she was happy to spend money on her, she just didn’t want to overstep.  She also got her a load of chocolate and bits and pieces like that.

 

She bought me some beautiful earrings.  Like, really beautiful earrings.  She also bought us tickets to see Wicked in London next year!  We loved the film so much but neither of us have seen it on stage so she’s booked us a hotel for the night and front row tickets to see it live.  I am so excited!  Especially to get away for the night with her.  It’ll be so exciting!  She also bought me chocolate, some lovely perfume and a really posh pen to use at work.  I am going to treasure that.  She’s had it engraved with DS Lisa Swain.  How cute is that?

 

I really hope my gifts were up to scratch.  She went to so much trouble for me and for Betsy.  She was so thoughtful.  It’s been so nerve wracking buying things for each other for our first Christmas, especially when we’ve only been together for a few weeks.

 

Today has been so wonderful though.  We literally stayed in our pyjamas all day and watched films and Christmas telly.  It’s been fantastic.  We all chose a film each (Carla chose Love Actually, I chose The Muppets Christmas Carol because it reminds me of Betsy being little and Betsy chose The Holiday).  We ordered an absolute feast from Domino’s and laughed and chatted all day, bundled under blankets.  I loved being cuddled up between my two favourite people in the whole world.  It has been a long time since I’ve been this happy.

 

It was very hard being quiet last night but we didn’t get any door knocks, thankfully!  It’s possible though, that Betsy was a bit shier in someone else’s house.  She seemed a lot more at home today though so we’ll see what happens tonight.  Speaking of, Carla’s just stopped writing and she looks absolutely delicious so I’m sorry, diary.  I’m done with you.

 

Carla

 

Christmas Day 2024

10:15pm

 

Well, this Christmas was a LOT better than last year!  We had a lovely afternoon yesterday and then a lovely evening with Betsy.  We didn’t even get told off last night, which surprised me because I’m pretty sure we weren’t quiet!  I gave the girls the matching Christmas pyjamas I’d bought for the three of us.  I was really worried they (especially Betsy) would think they were really naff but they both really liked them.  We wore them all day today and we had such a lovely time.

 

This morning, Lisa made breakfast.  She seems really at home in my kitchen, which can only be a good thing!  I am definitely not the cook of the family.  And she really is quite the talented chef.

 

I was very nervous about my gifts but they both seemed to like everything I’d bought them.  And Lisa was so generous to me.  So thoughtful.  She bought me a load of cute little knick-knacks like candles and bath salts (of course – she’s heard my bath story!).  She also bought me a ridiculously expensive pair of shoes she saw me looking at online a few weeks ago, which I told her off for.  They’re bloody gorgeous though.  I really wanted them but I said at the time I couldn’t justify it so she was really naughty to get them for me.  And she bought me a necklace, which I absolutely love.  Oh, and she got me some new pencils and a sketch pad, which I thought was really thoughtful.  I love the way she notices everything.  It’s the Detective in her, I suppose.

 

We had such a fantastic day today.  It was so relaxing.  So different.  Christmas is usually so full of expectations and requirements.  I loved getting to do exactly what we wanted to do.  We watched Love Actually, The Muppets Christmas Carol and The Holiday, plus loads of Christmas telly.  All snuggled under blankets, eating pizza and junk food.  It was the best.  I hope we’ve started a tradition.  Because truly, I want to spend every Christmas with them.  My girls.  My beautiful girls.

 

Carla

 

Boxing Day 2024

5:43pm

 

I spoke to Lisa today about my anxieties about how she feels about Mason and his family.  Does it apply to me and my family?  She was horrified and really apologetic.  The fact that she hadn’t even considered it was reassuring.  She hadn’t even thought about my family or how I grew up and she said she certainly doesn’t think of any of it as a reflection on me.  She apologised profusely for being insensitive and wished I’d said something at the time, as she never meant to be hurtful or unkind.  I reassured her and explained I was just a bit anxious, a bit worried that perhaps she might think a bit less of me for the way I grew up and how my brother turned out.  She assured me that that’s not the case and I believe her.  Especially after the millions of compliments she then paid me (with the kisses to go with them).  It made me feel special, the way she described me.  Seeing myself momentarily in her eyes.  If that’s honestly what she thinks of me… wow.  What an honour.

 

She told me then, the truth about her issue with Mason and his family.  It’s nothing to do with them being scallies.  Matty and Logan Radcliffe are the lads who attacked me.  She’s trying to discredit their alibi in order to prove it.  She also believes that they are responsible for Becky’s death, not just the bloke who was done for it at the time.  That’s why she was such a wreck when I was in the hospital, because the same lads who attacked me, killed her wife.  No wonder she was falling apart.  Especially having been up all night with me.

 

She shouldn’t have told me.  I know she shouldn’t.  It’s an active investigation.  So, I feel very honoured that she shared it with me.  I know she did it to alleviate my fears and anxieties.  And that’s Lisa.  She’s the person who goes the extra mile to make sure you’re okay.  That I’m okay.  And that’s why I’m finding it harder and harder not to tell her I’m in love with her.

 

Lisa

 

Boxing Day 2024

17:43

 

I had to tell Carla about Matty and Logan.  I know I shouldn’t have.  It’s an active investigation (just) but she was so anxious and I had to reassure her.  I had to.

 

I am so angry with myself so being so bloody insensitive.  I wish she’d pulled me up on it at the time.  Instead, we’ve had this lovely Christmas and she’s been stewing over this for days.  I feel so guilty.

 

She’s been worrying that I look down on her because of where and how she grew up.  Because her brother is in prison for murder.  Because I said I didn’t want Betsy to be with Mason.  Because I said I wanted better for her.  She applied it to herself, thinking I think I can do better for myself.  No.  I cannot do better.  Because there is nobody in this world better than Carla Connor.  She is the most beautiful soul on earth.  She is everything I could ever want.  I’m crazy about her.

 

I wish I had been more sensitive.  But the truth is, I couldn’t have been.  Because it never occurred to me.  I didn’t even consider Carla’s background because it doesn’t matter to me.  When I look at Carla, I look at this incredible, self made woman, so full of strength and beauty.  I see kindness.  I see compassion.  I see humour and generosity.  I see intelligence and creativity.  I see happiness.  The woman who makes me happier than I ever imagined I could be.

 

I did my best to explain that and I think she understood.  I think she accepted it and I think she forgave me.

 

She was shocked about Matty and Logan.  Shocked that I told her too.  But also grateful.  She knew it was a big deal that I shared that kind of information with her.  I hope it has brought us closer.

 

Next time... Carla and Lisa celebrate a month together, Carla has a New Year confession and Carla ends up in hospital...

Chapter 30: Happy New Year?

Notes:

Apologies - I have to follow the storyline!

Carla

 

29^th December 2024

6pm

 

Today was mine and Lisa’s one month anniversary.  It’s been a long time since I celebrated something quite so cute.  But celebrate we did.  It was an odd one in a way because yesterday, she and Betsy went back home.  But then she arranged for Betsy to stay the night with a friend last night so that she and I could wake up together this morning.  She asked me first and she was all shy about it, worried that I might have had enough of her.  I literally cannot get enough of her and I made that VERY clear.

 

She’s working overnight tonight in exchange for getting New Year’s off as well as having had Christmas off.  I gather her Christmas/New Year shifts are not usually so kind so I am taking full advantage of them while I’ve got them.

 

So, because she’s working tonight, we had a day date instead.  We woke up together this morning and exchanged presents.  I’d bought her a little rainbow heart keyring and when I gave it to her I told her to put it on her key to the flat and then that could be her key.  She was speechless for a moment and I was worried I’d overstepped but then she kissed me so possessively there was hardly any breath left in my body, so I figured she was pleased.  I also got her a box of her favourite chocolates, a bottle of her favourite wine and a cute little card.

 

She got me some sapphic books, as I’d been asking her over Christmas about some literature recommendations.  She also got me the same bottle of wine I’d got her, because we have the same taste! And a really beautiful canvas of the sunrise over Devon.  The exact town I told her I’d lived in.  I’m going to put it up in the bedroom so I can wake up and see it as soon as I open my eyes.  That’s one of the things I love the most about Lisa.  Her attention to detail.  I think I’m just rabbiting away about shit but she’s sat there, actually listening to me, paying attention, storing up all this information.  Actually caring.  I remember telling her about the year I spent away from here, the turmoil I was in, the mess I left behind.  Getting sick.  Watching those sunrises and sunsets calmed me.  Made me feel so much more peaceful.  I missed them when I left to move back here.  It’s not the same here.  She even suggested that perhaps we could go away on holiday to the coast sometime.  Watch the sunrise.  Watch the sunset together.  How romantic would that be?  Sitting on the beach in Lisa Swain’s arms at the beginning and the end of the day?  I love that she’s thinking in these terms as much as I am.  It makes me happy.

 

I hadn’t initially wanted to tell her about all the kidney stuff, the spleen stuff but… well, she asked.  It’s not like I can hide my scars from different surgeries I’ve had.  So, when she asked, anxiously, politely, curiously, I told her.  I haven’t told her about Aidan.  About what happened to him.  I find it too hard to talk about but I will tell her one day.  One day, she’ll know my life story.  One day, my whole soul will be laid out before her and I know she’ll look after it.  That’s how much I trust her.  More than I’ve ever trusted anyone in my life.  But for now, she just knows about the transplant.  She was so lovely about it.  So concerned, actually, although I assured her that I’m perfectly fine now.  I should probably drink a bit less wine but apart from that, I’m good.  And I’m looking forward to a long and happy life.  With her.

 

We’ve had a lovely day.  She made breakfast – Shakshuka  - it was bloody delicious!  She can definitely make that again!  Then we went for a (slightly longer than I would normally go for but Lisa’s fitter than me) walk.  It was genuinely nice to be out in the fresh (cold) air.  We walked off our breakfast and stopped for a coffee on the way.  Maybe a few kisses.  Lots of handholding.

 

Then I took her to an art gallery.  Not really my thing but I saw her looking the exhibit up over Christmas.  Betsy was ribbing her for being boring and she got really defensive about it being cultural.  When I stood up for her, she looked really pleased.  So when I took her to the gallery, she looked thrilled.  She asked me if I liked that kind of thing; I said we’d find out, which made her laugh.  And actually, I did enjoy it.  She was very patient with me!  There was even a whole LGBTQIA+ artists section, which was pretty cool, considering I’m trying to figure myself out and where I fit in.  She’s being very patient with me about that too, although she says she doesn’t need to be.  She says I don’t have to label myself.  I asked her, doesn’t she mind if I don’t know what I am?  She says she doesn’t care, so long as I’m happy, so long as I want to be with her.  Well, I’m both of those things, that’s for sure!

 

We came back here and had a rather… romantic afternoon.  Afterwards, we were curled up together, just kissing and chatting.  She suddenly seemed all nervous.  I asked her what was wrong.  She asked me if I felt I was missing anything… sexually.  I was so confused.  She’d just nearly made me pass out from orgasms and then asked me I thought I was missing anything!  It took me I little while to realise she was talking about a penis.  She couldn’t say it directly because she’d gone really shy.  It was really cute.

 

I cuddled her really close and told her that no, I was definitely not missing dick.  I get more than enough from her.  She seemed grateful for the reassurance.  She said she felt like what we had was amazing.  She’d just worried that perhaps I might need more.  Because that’s what I’d always had, what I’d always enjoyed.  I clumsily tried to explain that until I met her, I had no idea how good sex could be.  Sex with men had been fine.  Good even.  But sex with Lisa is everything I didn’t know I was missing from my life.

 

She told me that if I wanted to, we could always buy a toy.  Just thinking about it made me kind of excited.  Not because I’m craving that kind of penetration but the idea of Lisa being the one doing it…  Yeah, I’d like to give that a go.  I think that’s one of the best things about being with a woman.  All the different and exciting, versatile ways of being intimate.  I loved Peter.  I would never deny that.  And we had really good chemistry in the bedroom.  But towards the end, it had started to get boring.  Samey.  And I just can’t imagine that ever happening between Lisa and me.  It’s too passionate.  Too creative.  Too incredible.

 

So yeah, we’re going to buy a strap on!  I’ve already used my vibrator on her but she’s going to fuck me with a dildo.  That’s actually going to happen.  I’m very excited!

 

Lisa

 

29^th December 2024

23:23

 

I’m stuck on a night shift.  I shouldn’t complain really.  I’ve been off most of Christmas and I’m off at New Year.  This is a small price to pay, although it is mine and Carla’s one month anniversary so I would much rather be with her right now.  I’d rather be finishing the conversation we started shortly before I left her.  We ended up talking about sex toys and we’ve decided to buy a strap on.  I was a bit nervous about bringing it up.  We’ve been talking over the last few days about her identity.  She’s been worried I’m upset that she doesn’t really know who/what she is.  As far as I’m concerned, she’s Carla and I’m perfectly happy with that.  She doesn’t have to rush to label herself.

 

But it set my mind racing and I started to worry that maybe the ‘man loving’ side her might miss what she used to have.  So, I asked her.  She paid me a LOT of compliments.  She said I’ve enlightened her about sex, that she definitely doesn’t miss being with men, that’s it’s better with me.  I mean, she would say that?  But I felt like she meant it.  And it is good between us.  I know it is.  Betsy isn’t banging on the door in protest for no reason.  We make each other scream.  She is genuinely the most incredible woman I’ve ever been with.  I feel like a bitch saying that, like I’m forgetting about Becky, erasing how good it was between us but Carla…  She’s the most generous, sensual lover.  She drives me crazy.

 

So, that’s why I suggested the strap on.  Not because I disbelieved her.  But because I thought it would be fun to add to our repertoire.  She seemed excited by it.  She kissed me really hard and mumbled something filthy about DS Swain.  I kind of like it when she separates me into two people.  Especially in that context.

 

We’re going to buy it next time we’re together.  I’m excited!  I’m excited by everything we do together.  She really is the most amazing person.

 

And we had the most amazing day together.  We had breakfast and went for a walk.  She took me to the art gallery she knew I wanted to go to.  I know it wasn’t really her thing but it was so sweet that she took me there.  She is so sweet.  So thoughtful.

 

She liked the presents I bought her.  She’s going to put the canvas up in her bedroom so she can wake up to the Devon sky every morning.  I’m so glad she liked it.  And the wine and the books.  I did try to be thoughtful.

 

She got me the same wine!  Good taste!  And some amazing chocolates.  And a key to her flat.  I was so overwhelmed.  She’s given me an actual key to her flat.  She trusts me that much that she’s allowing me to come and go whenever I like.  She was definitely built for a lesbian relationship!  It was so lovely of her.  I was so touched.

 

So, after our incredible date, I’m now stuck at work.  I’m just hoping it’s not going to be a monster of a shift.  But it usually is, the week between Christmas and New Year.  Everyone’s drunk, nobody knows what day it is and everyone behaves like an absolute dick.

 

Carla

 

30^th December 2024

2:49pm

 

So, Lisa and Betsy have sort of moved in.  I mean, it’s only temporary but… it feels… right… them being here.  We did have a bit of an awkward moment earlier.  I accidentally picked up some of Lisa’s work files.  Lisa kind of panicked and snatched them off me.  I was just trying to help her bring her stuff in and box collapsed so I helped to pick the stuff up.  But then I found a file later, that we’d missed and she kind of snatched it off me.  If I’m not mistaken, it had Becky’s name on it.  She hasn’t mentioned any of that stuff since she told me about the Radcliffe brothers.  I didn’t know she was still investigating, although I shouldn’t be surprised.  She wants justice for her wife.  And she’s made it clear she wants justice for me too.  She’s not the type to just let stuff go.  I feel like this is going to turn out to be her best and worst quality.

 

I was in the café this morning, just catching up with Maria, exchanging Christmas pleasantries, when Lisa and Betsy turned up, looking flustered.  Lisa had got in from her night shift to find they had a burst pipe.  Because nobody had been there overnight, the whole place was flooded.  She was a right state, trying to find a hotel.  So, obviously I offered for them to stay with me.  They were staying at mine over Christmas anyway so what’s a few more nights?

 

Betsy was reluctant to share a bathroom with the boys but I assured her that they were still staying away for the Christmas period (cue a quick call to Bobby to tell him he couldn’t come home for a few days!  What’s a white lie?)

 

Anyway, they were both very grateful to stay.  Betsy bought half her bedroom with her, just like she did at Christmas.  Lisa was a bit preoccupied and snippy, which was disappointing.  And then she had to go to work but hopefully she’ll be in a better mood when she gets home!  We’ve got sex toys to order…

 

Lisa

 

30^th December 2024

20:40

 

I feel guilty.

 

This morning, I arrived home to the house half underwater from a burst pipe.  I was stressed out of my head and I couldn’t find a hotel room.  Carla very kindly invited Betsy and I to come and stay with her.  I felt bad, putting her out, especially when Betsy practically brought her entire room with her.

 

But then I made everything worse by snapping at Carla.  She was helping me bring boxes in and one fell apart.  It had casefiles in it.  Including Becky’s.  I jumped down her throat.  I just panicked.  Then I panicked again when I realised we’d left the casefile out.  Carla gave it back to me and I snapped at her again.  It wasn’t her bloody fault.  But I was scared of Betsy seeing it and asking questions.  She doesn’t know everything.  And I don’t want her to know.  But I was out of order to Carla and I feel really bad about it.  She’s been nothing but kind to me.  To us.  She’s only ever been anything but kind.  I need to find a way to make things right.

 

Oh, and I’ve had all kinds of irritation at work today.  That Nick came to see me to try and get his ex, Leanne off her charges.  I still can’t believe Carla dated him.  Was married to him!  He’s so… I don’t even know what the word is.  He’s simpering after Leanne and yet he’s also shagging her sister?  He’s an absolute contradiction in terms.  He seems very, very dull whenever I have a conversation with him.  And yet he’s clearly got game.  The mind boggles.

 

I ignored him.  Obviously.  And I told Leanne that she’ll need to come to the station to be formally charged.  Just between you and me, I quite like the woman.  She’s feisty.

 

Well, I should be finishing work now and heading back to Carla’s.  I’m going to grab a takeaway on my way back and attempt to try and make my apologies.

 

Carla

 

New Year’s Eve 2024

1:15pm

 

Well, Lisa obviously felt very guilty for snapping at me yesterday.  She came home quite late from work but she had chips.  She’d also bought me a little box of ‘apology’ chocolates, which I thought was very cute.

 

After dinner, she ran me a bath, which was lovely of her.  She made it the perfect temperature, bubbles and everything.  Poured me a glass of wine, put music on her Bluetooth speaker to relax me.  And then she was going to leave me to it!  Well, I wasn’t having that.  I demanded that she stripped off and got in with me.  She wasn’t sure if I didn’t just want a bit of space.  I pointed out that I’d hardly seen her all day and also, when I am ever likely to turn her away, especially when she’s naked?  And wet!  She seemed to soften then, lose some of her anxiety.  So she got into the bath with me and it was lovely.  She lay in my arms in the water and I let her share my wine in exchange for getting to fondle her boobs.

 

It’s funny.  I’ve never been the one who had their partner lie against them in the bath.  I’ve always sat in the front.  I didn’t realise that it was such a gendered thing.  And now… now it’s not a gendered thing.  Because we’re the same gender.  Next time maybe I’ll lie in Lisa’s arms.  It’s these things that I’m finding out that I love about being with her.  There’s something about holding her and being held by her that makes me feel so incredibly safe, so incredibly happy.

 

She apologised sincerely for snapping at me.  She started to explain but I told her I understood and she didn’t need to try and make it up to me.  She kissed me and said it was a shame because she had had idea on how she could.  I quickly took it back and told me she needed to make it up to me immediately!  And she did.

 

She took us out of the bath and into the bedroom.  She towel dried me.  Sat me down and brushed my hair.  There was something so loving about it.  Then she laid me on the bed and I’m not exaggerating – she kissed me all over.  Just these delicate little kisses that made me shiver.  The kisses developed into more and more until the next thing I knew, I was on my knees, clinging onto the headboard and she was beneath me, tongue buried between my legs.  It was absolutely incredible!  I was worried about suffocating her!  But she had her hands on my hips, pulling me down, encouraging me to let go.  And I did.  All over her!  It was bloody amazing.  SHE is bloody amazing.  Why have I waited fifty years for sex like this?  I was waiting for her.  That’s why.

 

So, I was a bit grumpy this morning about her having to work for New Year.  I was happy to sacrifice the night of our anniversary so we could have New Year’s Eve.  It’s our first together and I’m just so gutted not to get to kiss her at midnight.  I should have been more gracious about it.  I know I should have been.  Especially after the mind blowing orgasms of last night.  Betsy banged on the door again; I was so loud!  And I’m not even sorry!  It’s Lisa’s fault.  She shouldn’t be so bloody good in bed, should she?

 

Anyway, she’s offered to take me for lunch at Roy’s this afternoon to make up for tonight.  It doesn’t really make up for it but fine.  I’ll take what I can get.

 

Lisa

 

New Year’s Eve 2024

13:30

 

I’m at Roy’s, waiting for Carla’s to arrive.  She thinks I’m working but actually, with Roy and Betsy’s help, I’ve arranged a romantic lunch.  Roy has very kindly closed the café for a bit, cooked Carla’s favourite meal and let me deck the place out nicely.  I hope she’ll like it.  Then maybe we can go back to the flat for a bit more of what we had last night.  That was a lot of fun!  Then we’re going to the pub to bring in the New Year with the neighbours.  It’s a far cry from the New Year I had last year.

 

We had a great night last night.  We had a chippy tea and then Carla and I had a bath together.  We’ve never done that before.  It wasn’t actually my plan.  I was just trying to pamper her a bit.  Apologise.  I’d been so stressed all day about snapping at her, hurting her… losing her, I guess.  So scared she’d decide she’d made a mistake and dump me, tell me she didn’t want me anymore, that I was too hard work, too bad tempered.  But she was so lovely.  She just said she understood and I didn’t need to make things up to her.

 

And she wanted me in her bath.

 

We had a lovely cuddle.  She shared her wine.  Her hands wandered… a lot.  It’s funny, actually.  With Becky, I always had to be the ‘cuddler’ in the bath.  But this time, Carla cuddled me.  It was so lovely.

 

Then I took her into the bedroom and made a real fuss of her.  I brushed her hair.  I kissed her.  Everywhere.  Then I got her to sit on my face!  Another new thing.  I love trying new things with her.  She was nervous about it but from the shrieks that made Betsy bang on the door, I’m guessing she enjoyed herself.  I definitely enjoyed it!  I think my favourite place in the world is situated between Carla’s thighs.  I could have drowned in her.  Happily.  She’s utterly delicious.

 

This morning, she thinks I’m at work but I’ve been busy sorting out this lunch.  I feel oddly nervous.  I really hope she’s pleased.  I just want her to feel special.  I always want her to feel special.  Because that’s what she is.  The most special, beautiful, wonderful woman on the planet.

 

Carla

 

1^st January 2025

6:01pm

 

I’m in hospital.  I’ve lied to Lisa and honestly, it’s the first time in quite a while that I’ve felt this alone.  Yesterday, everything was going so well.  I was so happy.  I was in love.  I’m still in love.  And that’s the problem.  I’m in love and Lisa… isn’t.  She cares about me.  I know she does.  But we’ve barely been together a month.  She’s still grieving for her wife, the woman she does love.  Will always love.  She likes me.  She has feelings for me.  But she doesn’t love me.  She probably never will.  And now…  Well, now everything’s just got a bit too real.  It was all fine while we were having a laugh, having amazing sex and everything but things have changed.  My life has changed in an instant.  It had changed before we even got together.  I just didn’t know.

 

I guess I should start at the beginning.

 

So, I thought Lisa was working yesterday.  But it was all a ploy and the placating lunch she invited me to was actually a massive, romantic gesture she’d planned with Roy and Betsy.  Roy had closed the café, cooked my favourite meal and Lisa had decked the place out with roses and candles and all sorts.  It was beautiful.  So lovely.  She said she wanted to make sure I knew I came first.  My heart could have burst.  She looked so lovely, all smart in her black shirt (my second favourite – my favourite is the white with blue stripes because her boobs look amazing in it – who knew I’d turn out to be a boob girl?)

 

Unfortunately, she didn’t get to eat.  She got a panicked texted from a domestic abuse victim.  Her ex had been released from prison just in time for New Year and she was terrified.  I could see how conflicted Lisa was.  She wanted to stay with me.  She’d made this promise about putting me first and I know that was an issue in her last relationship.  It’s been an issue with Betsy.  But this woman only trusts Lisa.  It’s what sets Lisa apart as such a good cop.  It’s what makes her the one you want on your side as a victim of crime.  She goes the extra mile.  So, I told her to go.

 

I spent most of the day in a complete flap, panicking about Lisa’s safety.  Kit did not help.  He pissed me right off when he criticised her for getting too involved.  And then he had to dash off to the woman Lisa had gone to see.  I was necking wine and stressing when Lisa came back absolutely battered.  Bruised cheek, scuffed fists, cut lip.  My heart couldn’t take the idea of her being hurt by some brute.  The idea that this could be a regular occurrence.

 

She was dismissive.  Insisted that it was nothing but she was clearly in pain.  I mean, this is a woman who spent two months walking round with broken ribs and didn’t say anything!

 

We did go to the pub for New Year though and we had a lovely time.  It was a much happier New Year (for the most part) than I had last year and I felt really optimistic about 2025, to the point that Lisa scolded me for jinxing it.  It turns out she was right.

 

It was nice being out with everyone.  Even Roy joined in with the celebrations.  I suppose he has more reasons than most to see the back of this year.  Lisa and I were mostly holed up at the end of the bar snogging, if I’m honest.  2024 has been crazy.  I started it heartbroken.  I’d lost Peter and I didn’t know if I would ever recover.  I gained a nephew I never knew existed.  Then everything happened with Roy and I honestly didn’t know I’d get through it.  Him being taken away, him in danger and then him falling out with me.  And then slowly, this last part of the year… falling for Lisa has just been the most beautiful, joyful time of my life.  It hasn’t been without its turmoil.  Betsy getting me assaulted was NOT a high point.  And the times that Lisa rejected me… also not fun.  But actually falling for her…  She makes me so happy.  She is so beautiful.  And I don’t just mean physically, although that’s definitely true.  I mean her soul.  Her heart.  I am absolutely crazy about her.

 

And… I told her.  Stupid cow that I am, I told her.

 

We’d brought the New Year in and everything was lovely and I stupidly let slip that I was falling in love with her.  And maybe, just maybe I thought we’d have a beautiful moment where she’d say it back.  But she didn’t.  She looked like a rabbit in the headlights.  She completely froze.  Looked aghast, even.  It didn’t help that Kit was so invested in our conversation, I’m surprised he didn’t make an actual comment.

 

I told her I didn’t feel well, which actually wasn’t a lie and then I left.  She chased me home, full of apologies.  I dismissed the whole  thing but she knew I was hurt.  I’m still hurt.  She said she finds it hard to open up her feelings because of Becky, that I’m a bit further along than she is but she’ll get there.  She asked me to be patient.  I played it down and told her not to leave me hanging next New Year.  She insists it won’t take that long.  Well, now I’m pretty sure we’re not even going to make it that far and that breaks my heart more than I can explain.  I’ve been so bloody happy and now… now it’s all going to be taken away from me and it’s not fair!  Why can’t I just have something lovely?  Something special?  Something that’s mine?

 

I genuinely wasn’t feeling well so we went to bed, just to sleep.  She was very sweet and looked after me.  She brought me water, helped me get changed and tucked me into bed.  She let me snuggle up in her arms while she stroked my hair, soothing me to sleep.  The last thing I remember was her kissing my forehead.

 

But I wasn’t feeling any better this morning.  And things just felt… different between us.  Like something has shifted.  We met up with Betsy and took her for breakfast but Lisa couldn’t get away fast enough.  She barely even sat down and then she had to go to work.  I literally asked her to stay with me.  She knew I was feeling ill.  But despite telling me yesterday that she’d put me first, she still bustled off to work.  And she couldn’t have got out of there quick enough.  And I felt like it was because of what I said.  Because I told her I loved her and she doesn’t feel it back.

 

To be honest, I don’t really know what happened after that.  I just felt worse and worse.  Lisa and Betsy (and everyone else, including myself) had all assumed it was a hangover but I wasn’t that drunk last night.  I mean, drunk enough to tell my girlfriend I love her and be utterly devastated that she doesn’t love me back.  But not paralytic or anything.  Not deserving of how unwell I was.  I was hearing things that weren’t there.  And then I started to panic because… you know.  I got myself into a right state.

 

And then I woke up in hospital.  Which is where I am now.

 

So, they think I have Sepsis.  From when Betsy had my head bashed in.  It didn’t heal right and I’ve had an infection.  Which has led to Sepsis.  And now my kidney… Aidan’s kidney… is in danger.  They’re doing tests.

 

Roy has been a Godsend.  He rescued me at home.  He knew something was wrong and managed to get into the flat.  He called the ambulance and came with me to the hospital.  He tried to get in touch with Lisa but when she didn’t come back to him, I told him not to try again.  I don’t want her to know what’s going on.  She knows I’ve had a transplant but I made it all sound really simple, really easy.  She told me right at the beginning, before we ever got together that she can’t cope with complications, not after Becky.  And she’s taken all this time, after losing her, to even begin to heal.  If my kidney’s in trouble, I’m dead.  I can’t do that to her.  I can’t hurt her like that.  Even if she’s not in love with me, I do know she cares about me.  I’m still her girlfriend.  She won’t want me to die.  And if I don’t die… I’m going to be unwell.  And she hasn’t signed up for that, has she?  She’s signed up for messing about, dates, sex, binge watching Netflix.  Not terminal kidney problems.  She’s not going to stick around!  Or worse, she will.  Under some kind of horrific obligation.

 

No.  I need to set her free.  We need to cut this off at the quick before we get too invested.  I mean, it’s too late for me but it’s obviously not too late for her so… ending it is the right thing to do, isn’t it?

 

Roy disagrees, obviously.  He told me I need to communicate with Lisa first but I’m sure I’m right.  I don’t want to be right.  I want us to be together forever.  But she doesn’t love me.  She literally told me she doesn’t love me.  Me being ill right in the middle of what’s meant to be our honeymoon phase isn’t exactly going to help the situation, is it?  She’s going to resent me.  She’s going to leave.

 

I ignored her texts all day.  To be fair, I was unconscious for a lot of them.  But she rang me just now and I panicked and lied.  I told her I was at the airport.  I said I’d got a last minute flight to Ireland to visit Michelle for my birthday.  I told her that she and Betsy could carry on staying at the flat while her place was being fixed.  She wanted to know if it was about last night and I said it wasn’t.  It kind of is.  But it’s more than that now.  It’s about my future.  It’s about possibly not having one.  It’s about the fact that we don’t have one together anymore.  Life has snatched it away from us.

 

I tried to reassure her but it didn’t work. 

All I can hear is her sad, little voice saying, “Carla, you’re literally leaving the country!”

I didn’t mean to hurt her.  One day she’ll understand that I’ve done this for her own good.  That I’m heartbroken.  I just have to keep reminding myself that she’s not in love with me.  She doesn’t feel the same about me as I feel about her.  And there’s no way she’ll ever want to be with me once she knows what’s ahead of me.

 

I’m doing this for her own good.

 

Lisa

 

1^st January 2025

22:21

 

I think Carla has broken up with me.  Or, if she hasn’t, she’s about to.  And that’s kind of awkward, considering I’m currently staying in her flat and sleeping in her bed because it’s still going to take days for my house to dry out.  Oh, and she’s buggered off to fucking Ireland without even telling me.  I’m not even sure she was going to tell me.  I called her when I got home… well, not home.  To her home.  The flat.  And she was at the airport.  If I hadn’t got back when I did, would she have actually left the country and not so much as left me a note?  Really?  I never thought she was that kind of person.  So hurtful.  In the time we’ve been together, she’s been so loving, so kind.  This just feels so cold.  I spoke to her four hours ago and I haven’t stopped crying since.  I can’t describe how heartbroken I feel.  How bereft I feel here without her.  I need to get us into a hotel.  I can’t stay here.  I really can’t stay here.

 

It’s all my fault anyway.  This all started yesterday. 

 

So, my surprise didn’t go to plan.  I mean, she liked it.  She was touched by the gesture.  But then I had to leave because of a domestic abuse incident.  The victim only trusts me.  I know you shouldn’t let victims get attached to you but it can’t always be helped.  When someone is so vulnerable, when they have nobody else to trust and you’re there for them, you fight for them, you protect them… of course they’re going to get attached.  I got warned about it at the time.  Told I was too invested but I saw the state her bloke left her in.  I had to pick her up off the floor.  I had her clinging to me in terror.  So yeah, the next time it happened, I stepped in.  I took the punch.  I arrested him.  I supported her in pressing charges.  So, when he was released, helpfully in time for New Year, she contacted me in a panic.

 

Carla was very kind and insisted I went.  It wasn’t a great scene and I had to call for backup.  Thankfully, Wayne was more enraged by me than he was his partner and she didn’t get hurt.  I did though.  So did he.  Carla was not thrilled by the state I was in by the time I got home but I tried my best to reassure her.  I felt so guilty about messing up our date so I insisted on getting cleaned up and heading to the pub for New Year.  To be honest, all I wanted to do was curl up in front of the telly.  But I pushed on.  I brought last year in alone in front of the TV.  I wanted this year to be different.  I so wanted this year to be different.

 

We actually had a really nice evening, right up until the end.  We had a real laugh, with each other and other people.  Carla made a real effort to ingratiate me with the neighbours.  She was actually showing me off at points.  It was very flattering.  At other points, we were just snogging in the corner like teenagers.

 

Then, a few minutes into 2025… she told me she loved me.  She didn’t mean to.  It slipped out, which suggests she meant it.  I didn’t know what to do, what to say.  It just became really awkward.  She mumbled something about not feeling well and literally left the pub.  I felt so bad.  And so stunned.  I mean, we’ve only been together a month.  An amazing month.  But still a month. 

 

Do I love her?  Am I in love with her?  Honestly?

 

Yes.

 

Am I ready to admit that?

 

No.

 

To say those words out loud to a woman who’s not my wife… not Becky… wouldn’t it be a betrayal?  Would it?  I mean, I thought kissing another woman would be a betrayal and it doesn’t feel like that.  Having sex.  But I love being with Carla.  She makes me so incredible happy.  I love everything about her.  I do love her.  I wish I’d told her.  I wish I’d just been honest with her.  Brave.  Not hurt her.  Then maybe she wouldn’t have abandoned me.

 

I knew I’d fuck everything up.

 

Of course, Kit was there to enjoy it all.  He called me cold blooded.  Asked if it would have killed me to say it back.  I hurried out of the pub and back to the flat.  We talked.  Or so I thought.  I assured her of my feelings, that I was just a few steps behind her with my feelings.  She seemed alright.  I thought everything was alright.  She told me not to leave her hanging next New Year and I promised it wouldn’t take that long.

 

She told me she was feeling poorly so I went into care-mode.  I tucked her into bed with a glass of water.  I helped her get into my pyjamas and I held her all night.  I hardly slept, just stroked her hair and kissed her forehead, trying to soothe her.  She was so restless.

 

She woke up in a terrible mood this morning with a terrible hangover.  She wasn’t stroppy, so much as bewildered.  We met up with Betsy for breakfast and she was really clingy (Carla, not Betsy).  I kept trying to sneak off to get Alex to get Roy to contact me.  I’ve been trying to arrange Carla’s birthday.  It’s her 50^th in a couple of days and Roy, Betsy, the boys and I have been trying to organise something for her.  But now she’s fucked off to Ireland instead.  I’ve ordered a cake and bought presents and everything and now she’s about to dump me.  I just feel so shit.  So stupid.  I mean, of course she doesn’t want to be here.  Of course she doesn’t want to spend her big birthday with me.  She already sacrificed Christmas with Michelle to eat pizza with me and Bets.  That was probably a let down, wasn’t it?  She probably regrets it.  Wishes she’d just gone to Ireland with Ryan after all.  Probably thinks she’s just wasted the last month on someone completely inept and useless, incapable of love.  And she’s not wrong, is she?  She’s better off without me.

 

I had to go to work.  I felt bad for leaving her when she clearly wasn’t feeling well.  I did text her several times.  I should have known something was wrong when she didn’t reply.  She always replies.  I just didn’t get much of a chance to analyse it because I was focused on Matty Radcliffe for most of the day.

 

He’d been brought in for drunk and disorderly the night before.  But before I could get him into an interview room, he’d been let go.  I followed him and got into a row with him.  Almost a physical fight actually.  He kept calling me bent and telling me that Bex would be disappointed in me.  How fucking dare he say her name?  Her nickname?  Like he knew her.  Like they were friends.  Kit stopped me from lamping him, which I suppose I have to be grateful for.

 

So yeah, I hadn’t heard from Carla all day.  Matty had frustrated the hell out of me.  Again.  I bought Carla some flowers to try and make her feel better but when I came back to the flat, it was empty.  I called her and that’s when she told me she’d legged it to Ireland.  She told me that Betsy and I can still stay at the flat and insists that it’s nothing to do with yesterday, although she did make some remark about how I ditched her at breakfast this morning.  I tried to explain that I had to go to work and expressed my concern that she is literally leaving the country.  She just kept saying everything is fine.  But she didn’t sound fine.  She didn’t sound like herself at all.

 

Betsy came home to find me crying on the couch.  She was actually really nice to me.  No sarcasm to be heard.  I tried to put a brave face on it but I’m not coping.  I’m so angry with myself.  I’ve fucked everything up.  I knew I’d do this.  I knew I’d hurt her somehow and she’d leave me.  I knew I’d never be good enough to make her stay.

 

Next time... Lisa discovers the truth, Lisa makes some progress on Becky's murder and Betsy and Mason sleep together...

Chapter 31: I Love You

Notes:

I likely won't be able to update tomorrow so here's an early chapter. I hope those of you reading this enjoy it.

Carla

 

2^nd January 2025

6:32pm

 

I’m still stuck in hospital with Sepsis.  It’s not fun.  Only Roy knows where I am.  He’s been very good.  Very loyal.  Although he keeps pestering me to tell Lisa what’s going on.

 

I haven’t even spoken to her.  I texted.  Made out like I’ve been really busy catching up with Michelle.  I’ve promised to call tomorrow so we can speak on my birthday.  I feel so bad.  I know I’ve upset her.  I keep replaying the sound of her voice in my head.  It hurts.

 

But I need space to think.  To breathe.  To figure out what to do.

 

And all I keep coming back to is that this isn’t what she signed up for.  She didn’t sign up to date an ill person.  And she’s so fragile.  She can’t go through any kind of grief again.  That’s not fair on her.

 

I also have to remember that while I’m in love with her, she’s made it clear she isn’t in love with me.  So, even without the grief and fairness side of things, I really don’t think she’ll stay when she finds out what’s happened.  I think she’ll feel bad about it but I think she’ll leave.

 

Because let’s face it.  Everybody leaves me in the end.

 

Lisa

 

2^nd January 2025

19:11

 

I’m in hell.  I actually took the day off work today, which I never do.  I physically couldn’t get out of bed.  It hurt too much.  Even Betsy was worried.  She knocked on the door with a mug of tea and some toast.  She tucked herself into bed with me for a bit and was really sweet.  I didn’t really tell her anything.  Hopefully, she just thinks I’m missing Carla.  But honestly, I think she’s dumped me.  She’s barely even been in touch today.  She’s sent a few texts about all the fun she’s having in Ireland.  Without me.

 

My heart hurts so much.  I’ve barely stopped crying all day.  This really isn’t like me.  I feel like I can’t breathe without her.  How could she just leave like that?  How could we go from spending Christmas and New Year all loved up to just fucking off and abandoning me?

 

Well, I know how.  It’s because I didn’t say ‘I love you’.  I should have just said it.  I do love her.  Desperately.  I just couldn’t say it.  Why the hell didn’t I just say it?  I’m so stupid.  Now I’ve lost her and it’s all my own fault.

 

Carla

 

3^rd January 2025 – My 50^th Birthday

10:30pm

 

Lisa told me she loved me.  It’s been a hell of a couple of days.  I’ve missed her so much.  I really thought this was it for us.  Then she and Ryan caught Roy sneaking into the flat, collecting some bits to bring to the hospital for me and interrogated him.  I mean, he wouldn’t have been great with anyone but she’s a bloody Detective.  He caved and told them everything.  Brought them to see me at the hospital.  Ryan wasn’t even meant to be in the country!  He was meant to be in Ireland with his Mum!  That’s what gave me away in the first place.  Lisa bumped into him in the café.  He’d come back early for my birthday so they were both confused as to where I was.

 

Lisa was clearly very hurt that I’d lied to her.  I tried to play things down but that seemed to only piss her off more and she ended up storming off to work.  I knew I’d hurt her by telling her that I’d gone to Ireland but I guess I hadn’t really thought about how the past couple of days might have been for her.  I’ve been suffering.  I’ve been in pain.  But at least I’ve understood what’s been going on.  Lisa’s been in the dark.  She’s thought I’d abandoned her.  But she’d never tell me that in company.  She’d never show her sadness.  So, it all came out in anger and I didn’t see her again until the evening.  She’s only just left.

 

Well, the rest of my day was pretty shit.  Roy and Ryan did their best to celebrate my birthday.  Then the Doctor came in and told us that the Sepsis has definitely done major damage to my kidney.  She’s still hoping it’s not permanent but if it is, I’ll need another transplant, possibly dialysis.  And let’s face it, it’s going to be permanent.

 

I don’t really know how to feel.  I feel scared.  I feel angry.  With myself, for the most part.  I should have done everything to protect Aidan’s kidney.  It was the last thing left of him and now I’ve destroyed it.  Also with Betsy and those lads who hurt me, which led to the Sepsis.  And I feel upset.  I’ve finally got to a point in my life where I’m truly happy, truly excited about the future.  I’ve met someone I absolutely adore, as complicated as she can be sometimes.  And now it might all be snatched away from me.  It’s not fair.  Why can’t I just be allowed some joy?

 

All I wanted was Lisa.  But she’d stormed back to work and she didn’t know what was going on anyway.  I’d pushed her too far away.  So, I was surprised when she turned up.  Ryan had called her.  He hadn’t told her everything, just that I’d had some bad news.  She’d dropped everything and rushed back to see me.  She apologised for storming off but I didn’t blame her.

 

I considered being vague but I knew I had to be honest.  I had to lay everything on the line, even though I was sure it meant losing her for good.  I told her about the kidney damage, the possible transplant.  She looked… stricken.  Like she was going to cry.  Then I tried to end things between us.  And I was finding it hard not to break down myself.  Breaking up was not what I wanted to do.  I wanted to cling to her and never let her go.  Being in Lisa’s arms has become my safe place.  My happy place.  Pushing her away destroyed me.

 

But she refused to go.

 

She told me it was too late to walk away.  She told me she loved me.

 

I tried to dismiss it.  I was worried she was being nice, that she felt sorry for me.  But she took my hand, told me she was right up to her neck in love for me.  She said she was going to be with me every step of the way, that she was going nowhere.  And as I looked at her, I knew she meant it.  And I can hardly explain how happy that makes me.

 

She stayed for several hours, holding my hand, kissing my hand.  We talked.  I apologised for shutting her out.  I explained that I’d been scared of losing her, that I hadn’t known what to do.  She was compassionate.  But begged me never to push her away again.  She said she’d been curled up in my bed all day yesterday in tears, thinking she’d upset me, thinking I’d dumped her and fled the country.  I apologised again.

 

She gave me a lovely, long cuddle goodbye.  And a kiss.  She told me she loved me again and I said it back.  It felt lovely to say it to each other like that.  I mean, I’d have preferred it not to be in a hospital bed but we said it, both to each other at the same time.  With kisses and cuddles.  I just hope I can get out of this hospital soon.  I know this is going to be a long road to recovery though.  But if I have Lisa by my side, I know I can face anything.

 

Lisa

 

4^th January 2025

01:01

 

Well, the good news is that Carla and I are still together.  She didn’t break up with me or go to Ireland.  I told her I loved her and she still loves me too.

 

The bad news is that she’s currently in hospital with Sepsis and is facing a possible kidney transplant and dialysis.  That’s why she vanished.  She didn’t want to tell me.  She actually tried to break up with me tonight, or at least tried to give me a get out.  She said it wasn’t what I signed up for and that as lovely as it’s been over the past few weeks, she thought I should cut my losses.

 

But I can’t.  I could never leave her.  Never.  She means too much to me.  I love her too much.  And I have done for a long time.  Telling her that she was ahead of me was a mistake.  If I’d just been honest, she would have felt able to turn to me when she got ill.  I feel so bloody guilty about that now.  I’m her partner.  She should have been able to turn to me.  Instead, she’s been fighting this infection alone.  Well, not alone.  She had Roy.  And he’s been amazing.  He’s like a Dad to her.  He’ll always look after her like she’ll always look after him.  But this is our first big hurdle since we officially got together and I completely failed.  I completely let her down.  I swear I will never let her down again.  I will be here for her now, every step of the way.  She has got such a long road ahead of her and I will hold her hand, support her, take care of her, no matter what.  I will prove to her just how much I love her.

 

So, yeah, it’s been a bit of a day.  I dragged myself out of bed this morning, after sobbing in my pyjamas, curled up in Carla’s bed all day yesterday.  Then, as soon as I left for work, Betsy invited Mason round.  I came back to find them arguing and it was quite clear what they’d just been up to.  I can’t even begin to describe how horrified I am.  On every level.  Firstly, my daughter is no longer a virgin.  I don’t know if this was exactly their first time but if it wasn’t, I know it’s a recent development.  Secondly, she decided to do it on the sofa at my girlfriend’s house, while we’re crashing here while our house is being fixed!  Carla and I have done it on that sofa!  Why didn’t she just do it in her room?!  I have half a mind to freak her out by telling her we’ve had sex in the same place but that feels a bit too cruel so I’ve kept my mouth shut. 

 

After I walked in on them, Mason left and I chased him out.  I did try and talk to Betsy then but she just shouted at me and went silent so I decided to go and shout at Mason instead.  He was pretty rude to me.  Told me that Betsy preferred Becky.  Well yeah, I know that.  I don’t need telling.  I know in time, she’ll probably prefer Carla too.

 

Mason and I argued.  I lost my temper.  I ended up showing him photos of Becky’s death, explaining to him that that’s why I don’t want him to have anything to do with my daughter.  Because his brothers killed her Mum.  I was shocked that he was shocked.  I genuinely thought he knew about it all.  But apparently, he was oblivious.  And apparently, the photos affected him because he found me at work later and presented me with one of the stolen items from the robbery Becky was investigating when she was killed.  He said he took it from his brothers’ flat, hoping it could prove that they killed her.  Well, it definitely provides a strong link.  It was enough to bring them in.

 

I took the information to Kit and he arrested them both.  I feel an incredible kind of closure, knowing how close I am to finally getting justice for Becky after all these years.  Knowing I didn’t have the full story over what happened to her has been like a suffocating cloud hanging over me all this time.  It’s physically hurt.  And I know it’s played a massive part in my difficulty in moving on.  But knowing I can get justice for her now, I might finally be able to lay her ghost to rest.  I might finally be able to move forward and be happy with Carla. Especially if it means I can get justice for her too.  And ramp up the charges against them for their attack on her now, if there are going to be such terrible consequences for her.  I’m just so frightened for her now.  What if she doesn’t pull through?  I can’t lose her.

 

I was in the café when Ryan strolled in, back from Ireland.  I was very surprised to see him, considering Carla had told me that she was going to Ireland to be with him and Michelle.  And even further confused when he seemed to know nothing about it.  We went back to the flat to find Roy there, collecting things for Carla (I don’t think she got the earbuds she anticipated.  I’ll take her proper ones tomorrow!)

 

He was very awkward and didn’t want to tell us what was going on.  He even attempted a ‘no comment’ but we badgered it out of him.  He explained that Carla was in hospital but she hadn’t wanted to tell anyone, hadn’t wanted anyone to worry.  Obviously, we wanted to know what was wrong with her.  I was aware that she’d not been feeling well but I’d thought it was a hangover.  He said it was an infection but she was being treated.

 

We insisted on going to the hospital with him.  She was attempting to relax in her hospital bed, complete with a posh blindfold, which I gather was a birthday present from Roy.  She got a bit of a shock when she took it off and found all three of us looking down at her.  And she tried to put a brave face on but I could see she was anxious.  I could see she was unwell.  She dismissed everything.  Said it was ‘just a bit of Sepsis’ and she was on antibiotics and was waiting for some test results.  She said it was a storm in a teacup.

 

I didn’t know what to do, what to say.  I hated seeing her look so poorly.  And I hated that she’d lied to me, pushed me away.  I’d spent all that time, sobbing in her flat, thinking she’d dumped me, thinking she didn’t love me anymore, thinking I wasn’t going to get the chance to apologise, to tell her that I did love her.  I thought I was going to cry again and I couldn’t do that.  Not in front of Roy and Ryan.  So I pushed her away.  I had a go at her for lying to me.  I was annoyed that she wasn’t even sorry for telling me she’d left the country, for letting me think I’d upset her.  I know I was out of order but I knew if I softened, I’d fall apart.  So, when she didn’t say anything, I left.  I went back to work.  I got those bastard lads arrested.

 

I was at work when Ryan called.  He told me Carla’s health had taken a bit of a turn, that she’d had some test results that had upset her, had upset everyone and I should probably go and see her.  I ditched work immediately and rushed over.  Roy and Ryan had already cleared out.  Carla was reading one of the books I got her for our anniversary.  She just looked so fragile.

 

I told her about the arrests we’d made for Becky’s murder.  Then I asked about the test results.  She told me about the kidney damage.  The potential transplant.  I nearly crumbled right then and there.  She gave me the option to walk away.  I refused.  I told her I loved her.  That I would be by her side through everything.  I don’t think she believed me at first but it sank in eventually.  Now, I just need to prove myself, prove how much I love her.  And I do.  With all my heart.  I’ll do absolutely everything I can to support her.

 

I stayed for several hours, just holding her hand and chatting.  I hope I was of some comfort to her.  I gave her a big hug goodbye and told her I loved her again.  She said it back.  It was lovely.  To be able to say that to each other now.  I just wish I hadn’t let her down the first time, that I’d been there when she got ill initially.  She said she was glad I wasn’t there.  She said she’d thought it was psychosis at first and she hadn’t wanted me to ever see that side of her.  I pointed out that there was no side of her that I wanted her to hide from me.  And there isn’t.  I love her and I love her completely.  I’m not a fool.  I know this illness is going to be hard.  I’m bloody terrified of losing her.  But I’m here for it, all of it.  I’m going to do everything in my power to look after her.  Always.

 

I did manage to have a brief chat with Betsy this evening and I think she’s okay.  For the most part.  She’s upset, understandably because Mason told her after they’d slept together, that he’s planning to move to Germany to start working with Stu.  I get it completely.  It’s not right to sleep with someone without giving them all the information.  She’s feeling hurt and betrayed.  I’ve done what I can to support her.  I’m touched she’s been willing to talk to me at all.  And I feel bad that it took me to the end of the day to give her the time but… well, the day was full on. 

 

She’s spoken to Mason since and he’s told her about his brothers.  Now she hates him.  She thinks he knew about their involvement in her Mum’s death.  I’ve tried to assure that he didn’t.  That he helped get them arrested.  But she says she can’t forgive him.  He’s hurt her too much and she can’t trust him.  And she doesn’t see the point anyway, if he’s moving away.  She just wishes she hadn’t had sex with him, that she had waited for someone who was worth it.  I feel so sad for her.  I know she really liked him, despite what I thought of him.  And actually, I think he does have real feelings for her.  After today, I would have supported them.

 

I’ve told her about Carla and she was really upset.  More so than I expected.  She asked a lot of questions about what was going to happen, if it was life threatening, what her recovery was going to be like.  She seemed very worried.

 

Lisa

 

4^th January 2025

18:03

 

Betsy crawled into bed with me in the middle of the night.  It’s been a long time since she last did that.  I guess she is feeling pretty vulnerable at the moment, what with Mason and also, Carla.  It was nice, cuddling up with her, having that closeness.  I know I’m not the Mum she’d choose but on days like this when she does choose me, it feels very special.

 

I took the morning off and went to see Carla.  I brought her birthday presents to the hospital.  She seemed pleased to see me.  I’d booked us a long weekend in Brighton, which seems a bit of a shit present now.  But I emailed the hotel this morning and asked if we could reschedule for the summer instead and for a fee, they’ve agreed.  So, I took the gift to Carla anyway and she was really keen, although felt bad that her being ill had messed up my plans.  I assured her it wasn’t anything to feel bad about.  I just want her to get well and then we had something else to look forward to, as well as our trip to London to see Wicked.

 

I also bought her some bits, like a new handbag, I knew she wanted and a new mascara I know she’s running out of (because I keep pinching it!)  I went full on soppy in the card, which made her cry.  And kiss me.  A lot.

 

I apologised for not giving her the gifts yesterday.  I hadn’t expected to see her because I thought she was away.  She apologised again for lying, for trying to push me away.  We confessed our love again.  I am really starting to enjoy doing that.  I can’t wait until she’s well enough to come home and I can show her how much I love her…

 

Carla

 

4^th January 2025

7:13pm

 

Lisa completely spoilt me for my birthday.  And it turns out I completely ruined a surprise get together she was planning as well!

 

Not only did she buy me a very expensive handbag (and replace the mascara she keeps pinching), she’s booked us a romantic weekend away in Brighton.  Of course, I’m stuck in hospital with Sepsis, so we’ve had to rearrange the dates but we’re still going.  It was just so thoughtful of her.  I’m so excited to be going for a weekend away together.  To be looking to the future together.

 

I love her so much.  So, so much.

 

Next time... Mason is murdered, Lisa discovers that Betsy arranged the robbery and Carla is stubborn about letting people get tested...

Chapter 32: Death

Carla

 

6^th January 2025

9:34pm

 

It’s days like these that I REALLY hate being in hospital.  Mason Radcliffe, Betsy’s boyfriend was stabbed to death today.  He’s just a kid.  A boy.  A child.  And he’s dead.  Murdered.  And Betsy’s a wreck.  Lisa’s a wreck.  And I’m stuck in here, absolutely useless.

 

It was his brothers who killed him.  They hunted him down after the police (not Lisa) let them go, claiming lack of evidence for Becky’s murder.  Lack of fucking evidence?  Mason brought the stuff they robbed to the police station!  They still had it in their possession after all these years, like some kind of trophy, after mowing the woman down and leaving her to die.  Leaving that family utterly broken.

 

They hunted Mason down and they killed him.  He was so close to escaping them for good, moving to Germany and starting a new life.  Stu had a job all set up for him.

 

Lisa was amazing.  She rushed to the scene as soon as she heard the call.  Betsy was already there.  Mason was dying in Abi’s arms.  Betsy insisted on going in the ambulance with Mason.  Lisa rushed to the hospital, right behind her.  She got there just as Asha broke the news that Mason had died.

 

They came to see me almost straight away.  I just held them both for ages.  Betsy was in tears.  I could tell Lisa had been crying but she was trying to hold it together in front of Betsy.  Trying to be the strong Mum she needed her to be.  There was a point when Betsy went to get tea and coffee for everyone when Lisa allowed herself to let her guard down just for a moment.  I held her.  Kissed her.  Longed to be able to do something useful.  But I’m trapped here while they get my infection under control.  While they work out the repercussions of the Sepsis.  So, that was all I could offer.  I hope it helped, even just a little.

 

She’s more determined than ever to put those bastards behind bars.  How much blood are they going to have on their hands?  Becky’s.  Mason’s.  Mine?

 

Lisa

 

7^th January 2025

02:02

 

I can’t sleep.  My brain just won’t settle.  I miss Carla.  All I want to do is curl up in her arms.  I know I can see her every day and I do.  She was so lovely today.  When she’s holding me… that’s the place I feel safest, happiest.  Even when everything is terrible, she’s my home.  Cuddling up to her favourite hoodie is fine but it’s not… her.

 

Mason Radcliffe is dead.

 

He was murdered by his brothers, who have since run off.  And I swear, I will not rest until I’ve found them and banged them up.  Fucking bastards.  Stabbing him and leaving him to die in the fucking park.

 

Abi Webster found him.  Which I’m sure was just brilliant for her, after what happened to her son.  She tried to save him.  Called the ambulance.  Went to the hospital, only to be told that he had died.

 

Betsy happened upon them.  She’d skipped out of college yet again.  I’d got a call for the millionth time to say she hadn’t turned up.  I was already stressed because Kit had let Matty and Logan go, not held them for Becky’s murder, like I expected him to.  I thought the evidence Mason had provided me with would be enough.  If only it had been enough, Mason would still be here.  Or at least he’d be on his way to Germany to start a whole new life.

 

When I heard the call come through about the stabbing, I panicked.  There weren’t a lot of details and I was terrified it could be Betsy.  I rushed to the scene and it was awful.  Mason was dying.  Abi and Betsy were in bits.  I rushed over and hugged Betsy so tightly.  She is so consumed with guilt for arguing with Mason before it happened, for not listening to him, for blaming him for his brothers killing Becky.  I understand more than I’d like to, how she feels.  The last thing I ever did was argue with Becky.  All that love we lived and we finished on an argument.  And of course, it’s so much more complicated than that.  Than I’ve even told Carla.  And Betsy doesn’t know anything about any of it.  She doesn’t know that I completely understand how she’s feeling.  You just never know what everything’s going to come crashing down and the consequences you’re going to have to live with afterwards.

 

Betsy insisted on going in the ambulance with Mason.  Abi went with them.  Kit was really good.  He could see how distressed I was.  He stayed to secure the scene and I raced off to meet them at the hospital.  I arrived to find Betsy sobbing in Abi’s arms.  The poor woman was still covered in his blood.  I didn’t hear them say he was dead but I knew.  I took a few moments to break down myself, knowing what Betsy had lost, knowing what she was going through, what she’s about the go through.  Then I braced myself to go and support my daughter.

 

We went to visit Carla afterwards.  She was amazing.  We told her what happened and she just held us.  Both of us.  One of us on each side of her hospital bed, tucked into each arm.  There she was, my beautiful, gracious girlfriend, fighting Sepsis, facing a potential kidney transplant and she was there to comfort both of us.

 

We both looked after Betsy as best we could and surprisingly, she let us.  It was like she was numb.  She went off to get us some drinks a bit later and Carla just pulled me into her arms.  I was able to let go, just for a few moments, let myself be held and comforted by the woman I love, the woman I trust.  I feel so lucky to have her.

 

Hang on, I think Betsy’s knocking on the door.

 

Lisa

 

7^th January 2025

22:45

 

Betsy came and slept with me for the rest of the night.  She hadn’t slept any more than I had so when she got up to go to the loo and saw my light on, she came to knock.

 

I took her to the station to make her statement about anything she saw, anything she knows about the murder.  Kit led the interview and she said he was nice to her when she got upset.  I felt so stressed, sat outside, useless, waiting for her.  I wanted to go in and support her but if I’m going to help with the case, if I’m going to bring those lowlifes to justice for what they’ve done to Mason, to Bex, to Carla, I have to make sure I don’t overstep any lines.

 

She wants to go and see Mason but I had to explain it’s not that simple.  He’ll need a forensic post-mortem first.  It could take ages for the funeral.  She’s not happy over the lack of tributes being left for him.  She told me how much she liked him.  I feel so incredibly sad for her.  All I can do is tell her I will do whatever it takes to fight for justice for Mason.

 

And that’s when she confessed.

 

So, Betsy was the one who arranged to have the factory robbed.  She was trying to get Mason’s brothers off his case and then she found out about me and Carla having slept together and her anger got the better of her. She hadn’t intended on Carla getting hurt.  I panicked.  I didn’t know what to do.  I was terrified that once I told Carla, she wouldn’t want anything more to do with us.  I was so scared of losing her.  And I can’t.  I can’t lose her.

 

But then Betsy told me that Carla already knew.  She said that Carla had lied to protect her, begged me not to have a go at her when she was poorly.

 

Well, I did go to the hospital and I was angry.  For a minute.  I challenged Carla about lying to me.  And she just looked absolutely broken.  She told me that she’d been trying to protect Betsy.  I was hurt.  Who was she trying to protect her from?  Me?  Does she think that little of me?  But she said no, she’d been trying to protect both of us – me and Betsy.  She said I’d been so broken at that time and she hadn’t wanted to push me over the edge. 

 

But she apologised and said it hadn’t been her call to make.  I know she also feels guilty now because perhaps if she had said something, things wouldn’t have escalated with Mason but she really can’t think like that.  None of this is her fault.  None of it.  Betsy kicked the whole thing off.  She hurt Carla.  And Carla has been holding this secret for her because she’s been worried about me, worried about my relationship with Betsy.  And I guess it makes sense.  She’s been looking out for us both since day one.  And what’s she gained from it?  Sepsis and kidney failure.  I mean, why the hell is she still even with me?  Why isn’t she running for the hills after what’s happened?  After what my daughter’s done to her?  I get her laying it to rest at the time.  I appreciate it.  But since this hospitalisation?  Why isn’t she kicking off?  Throwing us out?

 

She was even worried about our relationship, in case she’d messed things up.  I mean, I guess I did barge into her hospital room, demanding answers.  I just hugged her.  Kissed her.  I was about to tell her how much I loved her, how much she means to me, how grateful I am that she still wants to be with me, part of mine and Betsy’s life, when Bobby barged in and interrupted us.

 

I went back to see her again this evening though and we did have a more intimate chat.  I got to tell her those things.  She told me she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than with me, although she admitted she’s worried that her health is going to turn out to be too big a thing for me to take on.  I assured her it wouldn’t be.  It isn’t.  I will look after her through all of this.  No matter what.  We’ve got too much to look forward to.  Together.

 

As for the investigation, Gemma and Chesney’s little boy, Joseph has confessed to a hoax call at the time of Mason’s stabbing, which delayed the ambulance getting to Mason.  I haven’t been involved in that aspect of the case but I read the report.  He sounded very remorseful, very guilty.  Kids are so stupid sometimes and it sounds like he’s generally a really good lad.  I really feel for him, carrying this.  And of course, it’s provoked some arguments between his family and different people on the Street, people who are hurting over what’s happened. 

 

I need to speak to Abi.  I’m worried about what the shock of seeing Mason like that could have done to her.  It would have been traumatic anyway but with her history with her son… it must have been awful.

 

The other boy we’ve interviewed is Sean’s lad, Dylan.  He was Mason’s friend.  He was involved in the bullying of Liam Connor.  Kit is leading the charge at the moment.  I’m involved, of course.  I want to get these thugs more than anyone does, I think.  However, I also need to be there for my daughter.  And I’d already reduced my hours last week so that I could be there for Carla.  I hate thinking of her stuck in that hospital bed 24/7.  I know she has Roy and Ryan and Bobby visiting her.  But I’m her partner and I need to step up.  I need her to know I’m here to support her.  I love her and I meant it when I promised I’d be there for her.

 

After I left Carla again this evening – and things felt happier and more reassured between us – I took Betsy out for dinner.  She is so sad.  I haven’t seen her like this since her Mum died.  It’s breaking my heart.

 

She was worried about me and Carla but I assured her that we’re fine.  I’m still not thrilled about the secrets but I understand them.  I appreciate them, even.  Betsy was feeling so down about herself all night.  I tried to reassure her that I loved her.  She wasn’t even upset when I explained I’d need her to come in and make a statement about the robbery.  She is too bereft over Mason.

 

Carla

 

7^th January 2025

10:56pm

 

I was so scared that Lisa was going to finish with me today.  She found out the truth about Betsy and the robbery and that I had known about it and lied to her.  She was furious.  To start with.  I explained why I lied.  That I’d been trying to protect both her and Betsy.  But I apologised and understood that it wasn’t my call to make.  I’d just been so worried about Lisa at the time.  I was so scared that any more stress would push her over the edge.  And then, when was the right time to tell her?  When we got together?  All this time that we’ve been deliriously happy?  When Betsy begged me not to for fear of letting her Mum down?

 

I was genuinely frightened that I’d upset her so much, coupled with the fact that I’m now a much more complicated prospect than she thought I was, that she was just going to walk out on me.  But she didn’t.  She softened.  She hugged me.  Kissed me.  And then Bobby interrupted us.

 

She did come back this evening though, so we could continue our conversation.  She told me in no uncertain terms that she loves me and she’s in this for the long haul.  She told me that she hates secrets, hates lies but she does appreciate that I was trying to protect her, protect Betsy, look after them.  She pointed out that I’ve been looking after them since long before we got together and she’d always been grateful for that.  We vowed to look after each other going forward but to always be honest with each other, even if it hurts.

 

Otherwise, I have been babysat by Bobby for most of the day.  I could have lived without it, to be honest.  I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve been stressed over Lisa but he’s been really irritating me.  He very sweetly wants to get tested to see if he’s a potential match.  I’ve knocked that on the head.  No way am I accepting a kidney from another family member.  No chance.

 

Well, it’s nearly time for my goodnight call with Lisa so I’ll close here.  I miss her so much.  I can’t wait to come home and able to hold her again, through the night.  I don’t even mean sex, although it feels like far too long since we did that – I just mean getting to cuddle up together.  We’re hugging and kissing and holding hands when she visits but it’s not the same.  I want to spend the night with my head on her chest.  I want to curl up in front of the TV together.  I just… miss her.

 

Next time... Carla gets bad news, Bobby has a plan to save Carla and Betsy  makes and generous offer...

Chapter 33: Kidney Damage

Carla

 

9^th January 2025

11:33pm

 

It’s been a long day.  I wish I was at home in Lisa’s arms.  Even though she only left about two minutes ago, I miss her terribly.  I’m grateful that the staff here are basically letting her do what she wants.  I think, because she’s a Detective, they just let her come in and out as she pleases so we don’t need to stick to visiting hours.  She should have left ages ago but she stayed all evening.  She would have stayed the night.  I know she would have.  But she said Betsy has been sleeping in our bed with her, as she’s been feeling so fragile so she needs to be there with her.  I feel bad.  Being someone pulling her in yet another direction.  She’s trying so hard to be a Mum.  Be a copper.  And yet she spent pretty much the whole day here with me.  And I know she’s doing less hours at work.  She hasn’t told me but there aren’t enough hours in the day for her to be working full time, supporting Betsy, functioning as a human being and devoting this much time to me.  It wasn’t even her day off today but she came here as soon as she heard the news.

 

The news.

 

So, Bobby and Ryan were with me this morning when the Doctor came in and told me that the Sepsis has damaged my kidney too severely.  I’m going to need the transplant.  Dialysis.  It’s actually worse than last time.  Worse for so many reasons.  Worse because I’m losing the gift that Aidan gave me; worse because I’m older and have so few options left.  Worse because I have more to live for than I’ve ever had and now… now I’m probably going to get very sick and then die without ever having got to live the beautiful life I planned with Lisa.

 

The boys want to get tested but I’ve refused to let them.  Lisa said tonight that although it’s a long shot, she would also like to get tested.  I’ve told her no.  She has Betsy to think about.  And her job.  She can’t even think about going through an operation like that to try and save me.  She asked me to at least think about it, begged me even.  I placated her but I’m not going to let her.  No way.  I’m not putting her life at risk like that.  It’s too precious.  She is too precious.

 

Lisa was just… perfect all afternoon.  She’s always so encouraging, so supportive.  It made me realise that what we have is truly something special.  Lisa is someone who usually has her walls up but with me, she lets them down.  Her heart is open.  And I’m the same.  I’m honest.  But the deep stuff, the stuff that hurts… I don’t like to talk about that.  And I certainly don’t like to admit when I’m scared.  I don’t like people seeing past my armour.  I let Ryan and Roy a little bit.  But with Lisa… I can let her in.  She doesn’t barge in.  She just waits patiently for me to share stuff.  She did that today and it felt right to be truthful with her.  I told her about Aidan.  About what he did for me.  And then about how he died.  It hurt, talking about it.  But she was so loving, so gentle with me and made me feel so safe.

 

We wiled away the hours playing cards and just chatting.  I admitted that I feel like I’ve let Aidan down.  I couldn’t look after him in life and now I’ve not looked after his kidney.  She told me there are times when she can feel Becky looking out for her, somewhere and she said she thinks Aidan will be doing the same for me.  I like that thought.  And I like that she said it.  I like that she didn’t try and placate me or dismiss how I’m feeling. She was just loving and kind.  She listened.

 

We were interrupted by Betsy and Nina bursting in, informing us that the police have arrested Matty Radcliffe for Mason’s murder.  I told Lisa to go back to work.  I know how much getting Matty charged means to her.  But she refused.  She stayed.  She stayed the whole evening until just now.  She held my hand and told me I wasn’t getting rid of her that easily.  She had the chance to interrogate Matty and she chose to stay with me instead.

 

We spent the whole evening together, just the two of us.  She went down to the café to get us some dinner and brought it up to my room.  She bunched up in bed next to me so we could watch TV on the iPad together, cuddled up.  We talked more.  Held hands.  She kept giving me little kisses on my cheek and the top of my head.  For the first time since all this happened, ironically on the day I got such bad news, she made me feel so incredibly safe.

 

I even fell asleep for a while, resting against her while she stroked my hair.  I could hear her whispering softly to me, in the background of my dreams that she loved me, she’d do anything for me and anything to keep me safe.  I didn’t want her to go.  I really didn’t want her to go.  But she had to.  She said she’d come back first thing with breakfast before she went into work.  Is it weird that despite the circumstances, I feel so lucky?  Because I have her?

 

Lisa

 

10^th January 2025

01:34

 

It was so hard to leave the hospital tonight.  I actually only got home an hour and half ago, which I feel bad about but I really needed to be there for Carla today.  We were told today that the damage from the Sepsis is extensive and she will need a transplant.  She was very brave, although she did admit that she was petrified.  I mean, of course she is.  I think she’s being incredibly brave and I told her so.  She thinks she’s just being self-pitying but honestly, I can’t picture anyone less so.  She’s trapped in that hospital, being brave, facing up to this every day, not even complaining.  I mean, even taking away what she’s facing in the future, she’s still fighting an infection, still being pumped with all manner of drugs.  She feels like absolute shit.  And she’s still trying to be there for me and Betsy.  She’s absolutely incredible.

 

I missed the delivery of the news, which I feel bad about.  I had to take Betsy to the station (again) to make her statement about the robbery.  Thankfully, she isn’t being charged with anything.  I only found out about Carla when Ryan mentioned it in the café.  He assumed I knew but Carla hadn’t told me.  She said she was waiting for me to visit.  She knew I had the appointment with Betsy this morning and she hadn’t wanted to draw my attention away.  Also, she’d wanted to tell me face to face.  I think there’s a small part of her that still worries I’m going to abandon her or something.  I don’t know why.  And I don’t know if I should be worried about it.  Like, am I doing something wrong?  Should I be doing something better?  Treating her better to make her feel more secure?  I know I fucked up at the beginning of our relationship.  I do know that.  And I feel terrible about it.  But since we got together, I hope I’ve been a good girlfriend.  I hope I have shown her that I’m in this for keeps.  Is it because I hesitated over the L Word?  The actual word, not the series.  She asked me over Christmas if it’s any good.  I think it might be a bit dated now but it’s a Queer woman’s rite of passage, isn’t it?  So, I said we should watch it.  She’s been making a list of all the LGBTQIA+ programmes and films she wants to watch with me.  I love that about her.  So, we’re going to start.  That’s the plan.  But I digress…  Am I doing something wrong?  Am I not showing up for her the way I should?  I really am trying my best to reassure her, let her know that I love her. 

 

Nina was very sweet today.  She took Betsy to Mason’s memorial to lay some flowers so that I was free to go and see Carla at the hospital and I stayed there all day.  She told me some more about her brother, Aidan, the one who donated the kidney to her.  I knew the story about the kidney, obviously.  I knew that early on.  I asked about her scar and she told me about the transplant.  She also lost her spleen in an accident.  I asked about that scar too.  She asked me once if I thought her scars were ugly.  I don’t at all.  I think every part of her is beautiful and I made sure she knew that.  She told me that I made her feel beautiful, especially that first time when I’d kissed her scars rather than avoiding them, pretending they weren’t there.  I’m glad.  She is beautiful.  I always want her to feel beautiful.

 

She told me that Aidan died by suicide.  It took her a while to gear up to tell me but I feel very honoured that she shared it with me.  It’s understandably a very painful part of her life and she struggled to talk about it. We’ve shared a lot of things over the past few months and even though I know of Aidan’s existence, that he donated the kidney, she hadn’t told me how he died until now.  It’s one of the things making this kidney transplant much harder for her; that she’s losing the last part of him; the last gift he gave her.  I did my best to comfort her, without patronising her.  But then we got interrupted by Betsy and Nina bursting in.  I’d put my phone on silent so I could focus on Carla.  I hadn’t noticed that Betsy had been ringing me to tell me that Matty had been arrested for Mason’s murder.

 

Carla told me to go back to work.  She knows more than anyone how important it is to me to get that thug behind bars.  But there was no way I was leaving her.  Betsy and Nina stayed for a bit and then headed off.  I went to the café downstairs and I got us some food and I spent the whole evening with Carla.  We tucked up on the bed and watched some TV together until she fell asleep in my arms.  I just stroked her hair, kissed the top of her head, told her I loved her.  I am so deeply in love with her.  I wish I could take all this pain away.  I wish she’d consider letting me get tested but she’s adamant.  Still, I’m as stubborn as she is.  More so, probably.  I can work on it.

 

It was late when I left.  I didn’t want to get up and disturb her and it’s been such a long time since I’ve been able to hold her like that.  I mean, it’s been a week, actually.  But it’s been a long week!  I just hope they let her out of hospital soon so I can look after her myself at home.  Well, not home.  The house is nearly sorted so Betsy and I can move back into our actual home next week.  It’s weird.  I’ve got kind of comfortable at the flat, even with Carla not here.  I’ve enjoyed taking care of it for her, waiting for her to come back.

 

Lisa

 

12^th January 2025

22:03

 

Carla is having her procedure tomorrow, to fit her tube for her dialysis.  Then, once that’s all settled, she can come home.  She can have her dialysis every day at home until the transplant, whenever that might be.

 

We had a long chat today.  She was really stressed about the tube.  She told me again that if I want to leave, I can.  I asked her how many times I was going to have to reiterate that I’m in this for keeps.

Then she said, “Even when you don’t fancy me anymore?”

She was just gazing at me, suddenly so small and fragile in her hospital bed and my heart broke.  It hadn’t occurred to me that she believed it possible that I could ever not fancy her.  She’s the most gorgeous woman on earth!  How could I not fancy her?  It’s killing me, having to keep my hands to myself at the moment.  And I told her so.

 

She was very worried about the tube and the dialysis.  She pointed out that we’ve not even been together for two months yet.  We’re meant to be in the honeymoon stage of our relationship, not the ‘one caring for the other because they’re sick’ stage of the relationship.  I said I didn’t care what stage we were at; I just want to be with her.  And of course, I understand she’s not going to come home from hospital and jump straight into bed with me.  It’s not going to be like it was in the lead up to Christmas.  But just getting to hold her and be with her.  I’m happy with that.  And when she’s feeling better… well, I can wait.  Even if it never happens again, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than with her.

 

We talked about me and Betsy moving back into the house, as it’s all dried out at last.  She asked me not to.  She asked if I’d mind waiting for her to come home, at least just a few days.  She clearly felt really awkward about it but I’m glad she felt able to ask me.  She said she would just feel happier if I was with her.  That she’s missed me and is longing for a night in my arms.  I nearly cried.  I said I’d stay as long as she wanted me to.  That I’d do whatever she wanted or needed in order to support her.  And I mean it.

 

Carla

 

12^th January 2025

10:34pm

 

Lisa devoted yet another whole afternoon and evening to me.  I feel bad, her spending all her time at the hospital.  Just because I have to be here, doesn’t mean she should have to be.  And I know she’s stressing about Betsy and work and everything too.  But when she’s here with me, she makes me feel so much better. I’m not being ungrateful to Roy and the boys.  They’ve all been amazing.  And Michelle has been fantastic, video calling me at all hours when I’ve been struggling to sleep.  But Lisa just… centres me.  I know when her arms are around me or she’s holding my hand, I don’t just have to rely on my own strength to get through this.  Because I have her.

 

Her house is all fixed up now.  She was planning on moving herself and Betsy back into it this week.  Just the thought of it horrified me.  Really made me panic.  The idea that when I get home, she won’t be there.  So, I decided to be brave and ask her if she minded hanging on, just for a few days.  That I really wanted to at least have one night in her arms before she had to go home.  I was worried she was going to think I was being a baby but she just agreed immediately.  She told me how much she’s missing me and can’t wait until I’m back home so we can cuddle up and spend proper quality time together again.

 

Then I was even more brave and admitted I was worried that after the procedure I’ve got to have tomorrow, she might not fancy me anymore.  It’s been playing on my mind ever since they mentioned it.  I’m going to be having a tube coming out of me.  Dialysis every night.  We’re meant to be all over each other at the moment. We were all over each other in the lead up to Christmas.  It was amazing!  We’d even planned to buy sex toys!  But then this happened and I’m scared she’s not going to look at me the same way, not going to want me anymore.

 

It was hard, admitting my anxieties to her.  She was very reassuring.  She told me in no uncertain terms that nothing could stop her from wanting me.  And that our relationship means more than the lusty stage.  She’s in it for keeps.  Sometimes, it’ll be lusty, sometimes it’ll be taking care of each other, sometimes it’ll be a mix.  But she said she’s here for all of it.  I guess I just feel a bit insecure.  It’s not like anyone has actually ever stayed with me before.  They’ve promised they would and then they’ve always left in the end for whatever reason.  And I just don’t want that to happen to me and Lisa.  I’ve coped with a lot of loss in my life but losing Lisa would kill me.  I love her too much.  She’s… everything.

 

Carla

 

13^th January 2025

8:49pm

 

I don’t even know where to start.

 

Well, I had my tube fitted.  Ryan came in early to keep me company.  I admitted to him that I’ve been worrying about it putting Lisa off me.  He was reassuring and I made sure he knew that Lisa had also reassured me.  It’s just me fretting in my own head, I know.  Maybe it’s because I’ve used my looks a lot in the past.  In business.  In relationships.  To get men.  To keep them.  To give them a reason to stay.  I mean, Peter was great.  We looked after each other to the point that I think I was the one who got cabin fever at times, not him.  But there was still a time when even he wasn’t so great.  The time he was shagging the local barmaid and all the chaos and trauma that caused.  I mean, I haven’t even told Lisa the depths of that whole situation.  She knows Rob killed Tina.  She knows Tina and Peter were having an affair.  But she doesn’t know… all of it.  Not yet.  I feel like I need to give her my pain in small increments!

 

But anyway, my point is that I’ve always used my looks, my sexuality.  Sometimes it’s made me feel confident.  Sometimes it’s made me feel shit.  But with Lisa… it’s so different.  I mean, prior to New Year, we were at it like no-one’s business, don’t get me wrong.  And when I said on New Year’s Eve that I wasn’t up for it, she looked genuinely disappointed.  But when she realised I felt unwell, she just… took care of me.  She didn’t make a fuss or a complaint.  Nothing.  She just looked after me.  And the whole time I’ve been in hospital, nothing has been about her.  She’s just been there completely for me.

 

It’s just hard not to listen to that small but persistent voice in my head, telling me that I’m letting her down.  She’s going to get bored of me.  She’ll only be content to cuddle for so long before she gets frustrated.  Then what if she looks somewhere else?  She’s been alone for three years.  What if now she’s had a relationship, she doesn’t want to wait around for me to get better?  What if I never get better?  But equally, I know she’d be horrified if I tried to force myself to do anything I wasn’t ready for, wasn’t capable of, just to please her.  I’ve done that with partners before.  Trying to keep them happy.  Trying to… keep them.

 

I persuaded a porter to take me down to the shop this morning so that I could buy Ryan a birthday present.  It’s his birthday tomorrow but I desperately needed the distraction today so I got Lisa to bring a cake and we wrote him a card.  He’d made a joke earlier about me getting him a car for his birthday so when I spotted a little toy car in the shop, I had to buy it.  I’ve transferred him some cash so he can go out and celebrate properly but it was just a little token.  Lisa very sweetly gave me half the money for everything so… we’re joint present buyers now.  I’m happy with that.

 

The three of us – me, Lisa and Betsy – all sang to Ryan when he arrived back at the hospital.  He was chuffed with his car and the cake.  But all the celebrations were interrupted when Lisa got a text on her work phone about an incident at Highfield Prison.  Ryan awkwardly admitted that he thought Bobby might be there, visiting Rob.  I didn’t know whether to panic or shout.  Lisa escaped to see what she could find out on the phone.  Ryan blurted out to Betsy that my brother is a murderer.  Thanks, Ry!  Really helpful!

 

And then I was called down to surgery.  Lisa kissed me goodbye, which was a comfort.  But I was so stressed by then.  I don’t speak to Rob.  I don’t have anything to do with him.  How the hell did Bobby get it into his head that he should go and visit him and ask him to give me a bloody kidney?!  Is he mad?!

 

Lisa, Betsy and Ryan were waiting for me when I came back up, fitted with my sexy new tube.  I can’t even bear to look at it.  I don’t know how I’m going to manage the dialysis.  And I know Lisa is going to want to help me, practically.  She’s not the hands off type.  But I don’t want her to see me like that.  I also don’t want to push her away.  It’s a delicate balance.

 

She’d spent a lot of time on the phone, trying to get news of the prison.  A prisoner, who turned out to be Matty Radcliffe, no less, had taken a guard hostage.  He’d then swapped them out for Bobby!  Rob had talked him down and saved Bobby, who now thinks the sun shines out of his Dad’s arse.  I’m finding all the simpering pretty sickening, to be honest.  And I’m already a bit nauseous.

 

He said that Rob has found God, if you please, while he’s been inside.  He wants to atone for his sins and save my life by donating his kidney.  I call bullshit, personally.  Rob never does anything unless he can get something out of it.  I just can’t figure out what he could get out of it.  There must be something though.  So, I’m not even going there, no matter how much the boys nag me.  I’m not even going to let him get tested.  How the hell can I go from Aidan’s kidney to Rob’s?  It’s ridiculous!

 

I’ve told Ryan and Bobby both that I would rather have a lifetime on dialysis than take a kidney from that man.

 

Lisa

 

13^th January 2025

22:21

 

It’s been yet another eventful day and I’m starting to think this could only be the beginning.  Honestly, I have quieter days at work!

 

Carla had her surgery to get her tube fitted today.  I made sure I went there well beforehand with Betsy (and a birthday cake for Ryan.  Honestly, I got into such a state choosing the flippin’ cake by myself!)  She’d somehow managed to get herself down to the shop and bought him a little toy car to go with the cash we’d put together for him.  It was so cute.  I’ve sent her half the money for that too.  I like that we’re already at the joint present stage.  It makes me happy.

 

I also like living with Ryan.  He’s good company of an evening, when he’s not at work and I’ve got home from the hospital.  He loves Carla so much.  That’s really clear.  And he’s just accepted me and Betsy, no questions asked, which I really appreciate.  I’m not entirely sure Bobby is as keen, being that we’ve essentially kicked him out of his house.  But it is only temporary.  I know we’ll have to go home at some point.  The problem is, Carla’s place is really starting to feel like home and that’s only going to be more so when she’s back there.

 

I hated watching her go down for her surgery.  I kissed her goodbye but she looked so scared.  I was beside myself, waiting for her.  I know it was a safe, every day procedure but the thought of her being cut open and everything.  It hurts.  It physically hurts.  I’m going to be a bloody wreck when she actually has the transplant.

 

Speaking of, there may have been a development.  So, Bobby has been interfering.  He went to Highfield Prison to visit Rob, Carla’s brother, who’s doing time for murder.  Apparently, he’s found God and wants to try and atone by donating his kidney to Carla.  She won’t hear of it.  She says she doesn’t trust a word he says.  I’ve just got off the phone to her now and she is absolutely adamant.  Even after today, when Bobby got caught in the crossfire, after Matty Radcliffe kicked off and Rob essentially saved his life.

 

I get it.  Of course I get it.  She’s told me what he did.  I mean, I’m aware of the case myself, even though I had nothing to do with it.  It was massive.  It’s funny, actually.  I think sometimes about how many times Carla has come into contact with the police and I’m surprised we’ve not met before now!  I wonder what would have happened if we had.  If she’d still been married.  If I had been.  I never ever would have cheated on Becky.  Never.  But this pull between Carla and I, it’s been so strong for so long.  For far longer than we’ve actually been together.  Before we were friends, even.  When we used to bump into each other in shops and she used to leave me completely flustered.  If I’d told myself a year ago that we’d be in love with each other, I never would have believed it!

 

It’s a very strange experience, falling in love again after you’ve been bereaved.  I never thought it would happen to me – neither losing Bex nor falling for Carla.  I always imagined Becky was my one and only, my soul mate, my person.  But now there’s Carla and although it doesn’t diminish what Bex and I had… it’s beautiful.  It makes me so happy.  Carla is my person now.  My soul mate.  How can that happen?

 

I cried down the phone to her tonight.  I tried to hide it but she knew.  She told me in no uncertain terms that she’d rather live out the rest of her days, even if there were only a few of them, on dialysis, than accept a kidney from Rob.  The picture she painted just broke me.  I cried.  The thought of her suffering.  The thought of losing her.  She apologised for upsetting me but couldn’t take it back.  I understand it.  But it hurts.  I told her that.  She understood how I felt.  I’m still hoping she might change her mind, if not about Rob but about someone.  Ryan.  Bobby.  Me.  Anyone.  We all want her to live.  We need her to live.

 

Betsy is still in a bit of shock over the revelations that Carla’s brother is a murderer.  I took her for dinner and vaguely explained the situation.  I’m not sure if it helped or not.  She’s still so grief stricken over Mason.  I know it’s brought up a lot about her Mum.  And she’s really worried about Carla.  She’s brought us both so much stability in the last few months.  She even proved her love for us by sticking with us after Betsy’s actions put her in this state to begin with.  I think Betsy’s worried, as am I, that she’s going to be taken away from us.

 

Carla

 

14^th January 2025

04:12

 

I can’t sleep.  I upset Lisa on the phone and I can’t settle.  It’s just whirring round and round in my head.  I told her, like I told the boys, that there’s no way I’m taking a kidney from Rob.  Essentially, I told her I’d rather die.

 

And she cried.

 

She was trying not to let me hear her but I knew she was crying.  I apologised.  I didn’t mean to upset her.  I just need her, someone, anyone, to understand that I can’t do this.  I can’t let that man back into my life again. Nothing good will come of it.  Nothing.

 

We talked for a while.  She’d been out for dinner with Betsy, who was still in a bit of shock that my brother is a murderer.  Especially in light of what just happened to her boyfriend.  She said she was quiet, reflective but okay enough.  I apologised.  She said I didn’t need to apologise for someone else’s actions.  What Rob did isn’t my fault.  That nearly set me off.  Because I do blame myself a bit.  He wouldn’t have confronted Tina the way he did if it hadn’t been for me.  He was trying to protect me.  We’d always done that for each other, our whole messed up lives.

 

Carla

 

15^th January 2025

7:34pm

 

Hell has obviously frozen over because I’ve decided to agree to let Rob get tested.

 

It all started this morning.  Bobby came to see me and wouldn’t stop banging on about Rob like he was the Second Coming.  He still wouldn’t listen to me.  Compared me to a feeble woman walking past the window, clutching her IV.  Asked me if I wanted that to be me.  Well, no, obviously I don’t want that to be me.  I want to live.  I want to live a long and happy life with Lisa.  I want us to take our trips to London and to Brighton.  I want to spoil her on her birthday.  I want us to do something special on our anniversary.  I want to go back to having lots of amazing sex.  I want to binge watch boxsets with her.  I want to go to my first Pride as a Queer Woman.  With a girlfriend.  A gorgeous girlfriend at that.  I imagine it’ll hit different, not just going as an ally.

 

So, I managed to sneak out of the hospital.  I booked a taxi to the prison and I went to see Rob.  He looked annoyingly well.  Fit.  Healthy.  In shape.  Confident as ever.  He was full of the bullshit I expected him to come out with.  He’s found God.  Wants to help me live.  He’s been a terrible brother for years and wants to make things right.  Insisted he was telling the truth, which I pointed out is what he usually says right before he screws me over.

 

He told me he’d been suicidal.  His cell mate saved him, literally and figuratively.  It hurt to think that he’d been so low.  Obviously.  But I still don’t trust him.  He insists he’s not the same person who killed Tina and he wants to atone for what he did.  When I still refused, he begged me to think of Bobby.  He said I’m the only one who’s there for him, who looks out for him.  He needs me.

 

Lisa was outside the prison waiting for me.  I hadn’t told her I was going.  She was meant to be working all day.  But she and Betsy had met up with Bobby and he’d told them.  Lisa had rushed there to pick me up.  I all but collapsed on her.  For someone so small, she is very strong.  I just couldn’t hold my weight anymore.  I’d held it together during the visit but my painkillers had worn off and I was really stressed about infection.  I know it was stupid to go but I needed to see him.  I needed to look him in the eye and know he was lying.  Which he is.  I just don’t know what he thinks he’s going to gain by doing this other than a scar.  Does he think they’re forgive him for taking a life if he saves one?

 

She stood in the car park, holding me.  I cried and clung on.  Then she put me in the car, strapped me in, tried not to tell me off too much (fail) for being so stupid and drove me back to the hospital.  She insisted on pushing me in a wheelchair up to the ward but then I insisted I got out to walk the rest of the way.  She reluctantly agreed and practically had to carry me in and settle me back into bed.  I was worried about her, having to do all that for me but she didn’t bat an eye.  She was laser focused on me.  On me being okay.  I begged her to stop fussing but at the same time, I desperately wanted her to keep fussing.  I know.  I’m a complete contradiction.  I love that I have someone who would just turn up and rescue me like that.  And not to be a hero.  Just to be kind.  Because they love me.

 

We talked about Rob and we both agreed that although a source she has on the inside says he’s genuinely reformed, he’s lying.  He’s looking for something to gain.  However, she also doesn’t think I have anything to lose if he is genuinely offering to donate.  She begged me to at least think about it.  So, I did.

 

I thought about it all evening while she visited and distracted me with idle chat about work and Betsy.  When Bobby came in, he was right to the point, wanting to know what had happened with Rob and if I’d changed my mind.  When I told him that I didn’t believe a word Rob said, Lisa looked absolutely heartbroken.  And that broke me.  So, I decided that if Rob is serious, I won’t stop him from getting tested.  She literally jumped up and flung her arms around me.  She held me so tight.  I never wanted to let her go.  It made her so happy.  And that made me happy. 

 

It’s not what I want to do.  I don’t want anything from him.  It made me uncomfortable that I enjoyed spending time with him today.  It could be so easy to let him slip back into my life, especially if he does do this for me.  But nobody would ever forgive me for letting him back in.  Not after what he did.  Not after he killed Tina.  And I still don’t trust him.  I still don’t believe he’s doing this for righteous reasons.  But if it means I can live out the rest of my days with the woman I love, then I’ll pay the price.

 

Lisa

 

15^th January 2025

21:45

 

Carla has agreed to let Rob get tested!  I am absolutely overjoyed!  I can’t even explain how happy I am.  I know it’s not a dead cert but it’s a step further along than we were yesterday.  I’d rather she hadn’t come to the conclusion the way she did – by VISITING HIM IN PRISON!!! – but we got there and that’s the main thing.

 

I was at work for the morning and my plan had been to visit Carla after lunch in the pub with Betsy.  I’m trying to spend as much time with her as possible and for once, she’s letting me.  She’s stopped sleeping in with me now but she’s being more affectionate than she has been for a long time and she always agrees when I suggest lunch or dinner out.  She likes coming to visit Carla with me too.  She didn’t even make a fuss when I told her about stopping longer in the flat and not going home.  She said she didn’t mind where we lived, as long as we were together and she wanted to be around to look after Carla with me when she came home from hospital.  I feel like we’ve made massive progress in the last month or so.

 

Work was quite busy.  Kit charged that Dylan lad with possession of a bladed article.  I imagine that will be a stint in the STC, which is a shame.  He only had the knife because of Mason in the first place.  He was complicit but he was a victim as well.  I suppose you could say the same for Mason too.  He was a terrible bully.  A thug.  He made that poor Liam’s life a misery.  But all along, he was being bullied and terrorised.  He was acting out.  And in the end, all the trauma, cost him his life.  The whole thing is a tragedy.

 

So, while I was with Betsy, we bumped into Bobby who informed me that Carla had ducked out of hospital and gone to visit Rob to get answers from him.  Obviously, I panicked.  She’s not supposed to leave hospital.  She’s only just had her tube fitted.  She’s only just recovered from the Sepsis.  She’s at major risk of injection.  We even have to be a bit careful when we’re kissing, which is really annoying.  Honestly, I can’t wait until we get the green light for some proper snogs!  I’ve missed them so much!  Mmm… just thinking about them, actually…  Sorry.  Where was I?

 

Oh yes.  So, Carla went to the prison to see Rob.  I rushed over there and met her in the car park.  She was so pale and absolutely exhausted.  I was worried she’d think I was interfering by turning up but she looked genuinely relieved.  She collapsed in my arms and burst into tears.  We held each other for a while and then I put her in the car.  I did what I could to reassure her.  I strapped her in.  Checked her forehead to make sure she didn’t have a fever.  I tried really hard not to tell her off.  Failed a little bit.  Because it really was her most stupid idea.  But I do understand why she went.  And I’m glad now because of the outcome.

 

I got her back to the hospital.  She told me off for fussing.  And for going on about the transplant, trying to persuade her that it was a good idea.  I gave up but did ask her to at least think about it.  I probably rambled about nothing for most of the rest of the visit.  I was just so worried about her and the risk she’d put herself at.

 

When Bobby came by, she told him that she didn’t believe anything Rob had said.  I really thought that was her saying no again.  But then she said she’d let him get tested!  I was so overjoyed!  I threw myself at her.  Honestly, if Bobby hadn’t been there, I don’t think I would have been able to control myself!  I know it isn’t what she wants to do but I am so relieved that she’s agreed.  I know it’s not a cure.  It’s just a test.  To see if it’s possible.  But it a start.  It’s something.  It’s a step towards us being happy and safe again.  Towards her being well.

 

Lisa

 

17^th January 2025

21:59

 

Lauren’s trial started today.  I had considered attending to try and support her.  I’ve been so invested in the case, right from the start.  But there’s still a small part of me that hurts over that night I spent in custody, humiliated in front of all my colleagues.  The way that Kit enjoyed having that power of me.  All because of what Lauren did.  As much as I understand it.  It still hurts.  Am I being petty?  Plus, I honestly don’t know when I would have fitted it into my day.

 

Carla has been investigating the process of getting the transplant from Rob and it’s not good news.  It’s going to cost £100,000 to fund the transplant.  She’ll need to do it privately because the NHS won’t pay to care for a prisoner in hospital.  Betsy, Ryan and I visited her and she was pretty stressed about it.  Betsy and Carla weren’t sure his kidney was even worth it.  Betsy said something off hand and Ryan kind of snapped at her.  It wasn’t bad but Carla was so protective of her.  There was something about that that really touched me.  I felt like we were a real family.  I know that Carla will always step up for Betsy, always protect her, always put her first.  I feel so lucky to have met someone so willing to take us on as a package, who will love my daughter fiercely.

 

I reluctantly left Carla to go to work.  I took Betsy with me and dropped her off to college.  She met me after work with a proposal to help Carla.  She has £50,000 in savings, left to her by Becky.  She wanted to loan it to Carla to help towards the transplant.  I was reluctant at first.  It’s a lot of money to give away.  Becky left it to her so she could go to Uni, put a deposit down on a house.  Do whatever she wanted.  I mean, she didn’t.  She didn’t expect to die.  But it was life insurance that she wanted Betsy to have if the worst happened.  I did the same thing.

 

I wasn’t sure about the idea.  I raised my concerns.  But Betsy was adamant that she wanted to do it.  She said she felt terribly guilty about causing the whole thing in the first place and would like to make the gesture to apologise.  She said she also felt that if we are truly a family, we should be doing everything we can to look after each other.  Carla needs the money; she has the money to lend.  She said that if it was one of us in this position, Carla would move Heaven and Earth to help us so we should do the same.

 

Well, it was a pretty convincing argument, so we headed over to the hospital to visit Carla again.  Carla was reluctant at first but Betsy persuaded her.  I suggested we drew up a contract to make everything official.  I don’t think we’ll actually bother but if it makes Carla feel better, we can.  Betsy joked that it was a loan that Carla can pay back with interest.  She told Carla that she was part of our lives now.  It obviously touched Carla because she looked like she might cry.  She held both our hands and we ended up having a really nice evening together.

 

I’m so happy that we can help her.  I’m so touched that Betsy is so willing to do this for her.  I feel like we really cemented ourselves as a family today and it makes my heart soar.  My two girls.  The most important people in my whole world.  I love them both so much.

 

Carla

 

17^th January 2025

10:23pm

 

So, if I want to accept a kidney from Rob (I don’t) then I have to go private (I can’t afford to).  It’ll cost me the sum of £100,000 because the NHS won’t fund a prisoner staying in hospital.  Brilliant.  Fucking brilliant.  I don’t even want his bloody kidney.  I’m being forced to because of the boys badgering me and Lisa’s sad face whenever she thinks of me in pain or dying.  And I can’t bear it.  I can put up with the boys but the idea of Lisa suffering and grieving.  I can’t do it.  I just can’t do it.  And I also don’t want to miss out on a happy life with her.  I love her so much.  Almost too much, sometimes.

 

I summoned Jenny and Daisy to the hospital today.  Ryan stayed by my side for the whole time.  I demanded my money back.  They have been paying me in small increments since I found out they’d robbed me to buy the pub.  And that’s been fine but it’s not enough.  Not now.  I need the money from the pub to fund the transplant.  Now.

 

Obviously they panicked.  Told me they didn’t have the money.  I suggested I called the police.  They panicked again.  I told them they had to sell the pub if they couldn’t come up with the cash.  Jenny was upset.  Daisy was a bitch.  Typical reactions.  I think I’ve been more than reasonable about the whole thing.  But my circumstances have changed now.

 

This evening though, Lisa and Betsy came to visit me.  I wasn’t expecting them because they’d come this morning.  Lisa was at work all day and Betsy was at college.  Lisa does normally come again in the evening but she’s been so tired, I told her just to go home and rest tonight.  We were just going to have a video call.

 

She and Betsy had been talking and Betsy had suggested that she loan me the £50,000 that Becky left her in savings.  She wants to loan it to me to pay towards the transplant!  I didn’t know what to say!  I was so shocked.  I turned her down to start with but she was pretty insistent.  Lisa said she had her doubts at first but thinks it’s a good idea.  Betsy said that I’m part of their lives now.  I can’t even explain how much it means to me that she would do that for me.

 

We had a lovely evening together, the three of us.  I was feeling quite emotional about the whole thing.  Lisa was too.  Betsy knew it and kept teasing us.  She reiterated that we are a family now.  It means the world.

 

Next time... Carla comes home, Lisa and Betsy decide to stay on at the flat until after the transplant, Carla visits Rob in prison...

Chapter 34: Home

Lisa

 

20^th January 2025

15:06

 

Carla is finally home from hospital and I am so happy.  I brought her back this morning, along with the dialysis machine, which I have set up in the bedroom, ready to start using tonight.  They’ve shown us how to do everything and Carla actually showed me the tube yesterday when I went to the hospital to be shown how to help her with her dialysis.  It was very emotional, although I tried not to show Carla how I was feeling.  I tried to just be strong for her.  I know she was stressing about me seeing it.  She was worried I’d stop fancying her or something when I saw it.  Of course I didn’t.  I could never stop wanting her.  I love her.

 

For a while today, I was worried she didn’t actually want me here with her.  She kept telling me that I could go to work.  I took the whole day off to spend time with her.  I’d planned to spend the day with her.  But then I realised she was just feeling really down.  So, I’ve just made a fuss of her (without being too fussy).  We’ve cuddled up on the sofa and started our adventure in LGBTQIA+ boxsets.  I veered away from The L Word for now, as I know it can get pretty x-rated and I know she’s not exactly feeling sexy right now.  I wasn’t sure how comfortable she would feel.  But we watched Imagine Me and You, the film we started last year and didn’t get round to actually watching because we got carried away.  She seemed to really enjoy it and was a lot calmer, a lot snugglier and even smiled and laughed during it.

 

We’re both writing in our diaries now.  It feels comfortable.  Domestic.  I just want her to be happy.  Safe.  Well.

 

Carla

 

20^th January 2025

3:06pm

 

I’m back at home.  Lisa very sweetly took the whole day off to bring me home, set up my dialysis machine and then spent the day with me.  I’m not sure I’ve been the best company but she’s been so sweet, so loving, so kind.  I know I’m very lucky to have her.  I know I am.  I’ve tried to push her away several times over the last few weeks and she won’t go.  She was even lovely yesterday when she had to see my tube and the Doctor talked us through the process of my dialysis.  She just took everything in her stride.  Because that’s Lisa.  Loving, beautiful, wonderful Lisa.  I am definitely lucky to have her.

 

We’ve watched films and cuddled up on the sofa.  She’s made me endless cups of tea and been so affectionate with me.  But I still have this anxiety, deep rooted inside me.  That this isn’t what she wants, isn’t what she signed up for.  That I’m not what she signed up for.  What if I allow myself to relax, believe that this is for keeps and then she decides it’s too much and she leaves? 

 

I don’t want to think it of her.  I really don’t.  I want to trust that this is real, that we’re both in this for keeps.  But nobody has ever been in it for keeps with me before.  Everyone has always let me down eventually.  Why would Lisa of all people be different?  And I don’t mean that she’s worse than everyone else I’ve been with.  I mean the opposite.  She’s better than everyone else.  She’s the kindest, most loving, beautiful, honest soul. Does she really want to be tied to me for the rest of her life?  Really?

 

Carla

 

21^st January 2025

10:10am

 

I slept surprisingly well, considering I was on dialysis all night.  I think I was just happy to be in my own bed after all these weeks.  And especially, to be in Lisa’s arms.  I don’t think she slept all that well but she held me all night long.  Every time I woke up, she was awake, arms wrapped around me, stroking my hair, kissing the top of my head, whispering that she loved me and would do whatever she could to keep me safe.  And I did feel safe.  For first time in ages, snuggled up in her arms like that, I did feel safe.  And so incredibly loved.

 

All my fears from earlier, from the last few weeks kind of melted away.  I know I’ve been silly, panicking that she’s going to abandon me.  She loves me and I need to trust that she loves me.  She’s done nothing but prove that she loves me.  She was so amazing with me all day yesterday.  Being stupid, making silly jokes, being so ridiculously cute and positive all day when I was feeling so down.

 

I even sort of raised my concerns (again) and she reassured me (again).  I tried to make a joke about making sweet love in front of my beautiful dialysis machine and she said that all she cares about is me being well, us being together.  And I know she means it.  I know she’s not that person who’s going to get bored if I can’t give her the stuff I was giving her before.  I know she’s not going to cheat on me, hurt me, betray me.

 

And she can read me like a bloody book.  She knows I’m scared, even though I tried to deny it.  She doesn’t try and argue with me when I deny it either.  She just holds me and lets me be however I need to be and I love that about her.  She never tries to correct me or push me into saying, doing or feeling a particular way.  She just lets me be.  And that makes me feel safe.

 

Dialysis last night was rough.  But Lisa made me feel protected.  Comforted.  She’s in the shower now.  I thought she was going to go back to work this morning but she said she’s taken a few days off, just to help me settle back in.  I want to ask her to stay here.  Not off work but here, at the flat.  I know she’ll have to go home sometime.  We’ve not even been together two months.  We can’t just move in together!  But I don’t want her to go home.  I don’t want to do dialysis every night without her.  It’s unbearable as it is.  The only reason I coped last night was because of Lisa.  How can I do it by myself?

 

Lisa

 

21^st January 2025

21:23

 

Betsy and I are going to stay on at the flat for a while.  Until Carla has had her transplant.  I feel like we’re taking U-Hauling to the slight extreme but these are specific circumstances.

 

Carla was kind of fretful when I got out of the shower this morning and I nagged her to tell me what was on her mind.  I was worried in case I’d said or done something wrong.  She assured me I hadn’t.  In fact, it was the opposite.  She told me I’d been nothing but comforting since she got home from the hospital – and while she’d been in hospital, actually.  That was nice of her to say.  She told me I’d made her feel safe last night.  I pretty much didn’t get any sleep and I’m knackered now but it was worth it.  She found the dialysis really uncomfortable.  But I held her all night, comforting her and soothing her.  I kissed her head and stroked her hair.  Every time she woke up, I settled her back to sleep and it seemed to help, which is a relief.

 

She expressed more concerns yesterday.  Said something about how this wasn’t exactly what I planned when I moved in.  Well, it is.  I’m staying here because she’s poorly.  I signed up to look after her.  Then she made a jibe about making love in front of her beautiful dialysis machine.  I did all I could to reassure her that her well being is all I care about.  That I just want us to be together.  I mean, obviously I like having sex with her!  But if we could never do it again, apart from wishing I’d savoured the last time a bit more, I’d have no regrets.  Being intimate with Carla is incredible.  But being with Carla is more important than anything.  I wouldn’t give it up for anything.  She means everything to me.  Even if our life ends up being boxsets and takeaways, I’m happy.  Just being with her.  Cuddling her.  Kissing her.  Laughing with her.  That’s everything.

 

I hope I got through to her anyway.  I hope she’s listened to me.  I hope she understands just how much she means to me.  And if not, I’ll keep telling her.  Keep trying to find a way to prove my love for her.

 

Lisa

 

26^th January 2025

22:01

 

I am reluctantly going back to work tomorrow.  I ended up taking the whole week as leave so I could spend time looking after Carla and really just being with her.  I don’t know if she’s been glad of it or found it annoying!  But I’ve cooked and cleaned.  Run errands.  Shopped.

 

She has actually let me be hands on with her dialysis treatment, which I didn’t think she would.  I’ve hardly slept because I’ve been so busy watching over her.  She struggles with it.  Even when she manages to rest, she frets and whimpers in her sleep and I can’t bear it.  So I spend the night holding her and comforting her. 

 

We’ve blazed through the list of films and TV shows she wanted to watch to swot up on her Queer Culture.  I don’t know why but there’s something incredibly cute about her wanting to learn about this stuff, learn about herself.  I worry sometimes that she’s doing it for me, that she’s trying to prove herself.  I really don’t need her to prove anything.  All I need is for her to love me and she does.  Even with everything going on, this aching pain I have inside me that I’m going to lose her, that she isn’t going to be okay, that I’m watching her die in slow motion… even with all of that, this is the happiest I’ve been in such a long time.  She makes me so happy.  Just by existing.  She is that wonderful.  That beautiful.  That perfect.

 

Carla

 

26^th January 2025

10:01pm

 

I’m in bed with Lisa beside me.  I’m hooked up to my beautiful dialysis machine and we’re both writing a quick diary update before we go to sleep.  I do not like dialysis.  As much as I don’t want to have Rob’s kidney, I hope he is a match because I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life.  I don’t think Lisa has slept all week.  I’ve managed to rest for the most part but she’s valiantly stayed up, keeping watch over me, looking after me.  I’ve told her not to tonight because she’s meant to be going back to work tomorrow.  Well, she was meant to go back to work days ago but she arranged to have leave all week so she could look after me.  I told her I didn’t need it but the truth is, I’ve loved having her here.  She’s taken such good care of me.  She’s cooked.  She’s cleaned.  She’s helped me with every physical task I’ve needed, even when I’ve been too embarrassed to ask for it, like getting me in and out of the shower, helping me get dressed.  Everything.  And she’s not made a fuss about any of it either.  She’s just done it without making me feel weak or stupid.  She’s been incredibly comforting, the whole time.

 

We’ve had a nice time together too.  We’ve been having a real binge session with films and TV shows.  I am getting well up on my Queer Culture.  I still don’t exactly know how to label myself yet.  Bi?  Pan?  One of those two, I think.  But does it even matter?  One thing I know is that I will love Lisa Swain for the rest of my life.  Nobody will ever compare to her.  Nobody.  It might have taken nearly fifty years to find her but I’m never letting her go now that I have.  She is the love of my life.

 

Carla

 

3^rd February 2025

12:20pm

 

I am definitely feeling a bit better.  I mean, I’m still not great and I’m not ready to go back to work or anything yet but we’ve got a bit of a routine going now.  And I’m even starting to do a few things round the house again.  I’m trying to do my bit because Lisa is so tired.  She’s running on empty.  She’s not getting much sleep, she’s working, she’s looking after me.  Supporting Betsy, although I’m (hopefully) contributing to that too.  So, I’m trying to do at least some of the jobs that she’s been doing and I’ve been cooking a bit, even though she is a much better cook than I am.  I don’t want her to burn out and I know she will because she’s that type of person, always so keep to take care of everyone apart from herself.

 

We had a bit of a… moment yesterday.  The first one since I got ill.  Not sex.  I’m not well enough for sex but there was some very ‘heavy petting’.  It felt wonderful.  I was getting changed for bed and so was she and I caught her looking at me.  Like, lustfully.  She apologised, like she shouldn’t have been.  I told her not to apologise.  It made me feel really good, that she still wants me, even with the tube and everything.  She obviously hadn’t noticed the way I perv over her every single night that she gets changed!

 

I summoned her to the bed, my top still off and refused to let her put hers on.  And we just kissed and touched and it was… lovely.  It was so lovely.  It didn’t go any further but I loved that it happened.  That we’ve still got that chemistry, even in the circumstances.  When I couldn’t sleep last night, I kept replaying what it felt like, touching her.  She has the most incredible boobs.  I love them.  I’ve missed them.  I hope I get to play with them again tonight!

 

Lisa

 

3^rd February 2025

16:33

 

I’m on a coffee break at work.  It’s been a slower day than normal, which is a relief because I’m exhausted.  And I don’t want to show Carla that I’m tired because she’ll feel guilty and I really don’t want that.  She’s already stressing and trying to do too much at home.  She even threatened to turf Ryan out for a couple of days so I could sleep on the sofa and get a few night’s proper sleep.  She would have slept on the sofa herself but the dialysis machine is all set up in the bedroom and I’m more portable.  I wouldn’t hear of it, obviously.  I’m not letting her sleep by herself, not when we had to sleep apart for so many weeks and not when she’s having to go through all of that.  Staying up with her is hardly a hardship.

 

Plus, I might miss out on what I got last night!  We were getting changed for bed and she caught me… looking.  I felt a bit guilty because she’s poorly and it probably wasn’t appropriate to look at her like that.  But at the same time, I am only human.  I’ve behaved myself very well since she’s been home.  I’ve helped her shower, bath and get changed and kept my hands completely to myself, which has been incredibly difficult!  But I broke yesterday and looked.  Unashamedly.  Until she caught me.  And summoned me to the bed.

 

Oh, the kiss she gave me!  It was amazing!  Full on!  And then hands… and lips… and tongues… started wandering!  It was just the top half.  We made sure we didn’t get too carried away but it was the most intimate we’ve been since… well, last year.  It was lovely.  Just being able to kiss her.  Touch her.  Being kissed and touched by her.  And actually, it was nice not just going for it like we normally would.  Just messing about like a pair of horny teenagers.  I’ve missed her so much.  I hope we can do it again tonight!

 

Lisa

 

5^th February 2025

21:12

 

What a day!  We had another lovely make out session last night.  It seems to be becoming a regular occurrence.  I am definitely not complaining, even if it does leave me a bit too flustered to sleep.  Not that I’m really sleeping anyway right now.  I can’t settle.  I feel like I need to watch over Carla overnight, protect her, keep her safe.

 

I’ve been trying to come back from work at lunch time every day either with lunch or to make lunch and also to check on Carla.  I know she’s worried that I’m wearing myself out.  Well, I can take a few days off when she’s home from the hospital again.  Catch up on my rest then, when I know she’s going to be okay.  For now, I just need to keep going.

 

Rob’s test is booked in for tomorrow.  I cannot wait!  Carla went to the prison today to let him know.  I wasn’t keen on the idea of her going to the prison.  I don’t know why she couldn’t just call him but she felt like it was an ‘in person’ kind of conversation.  She also very awkwardly brought up the subject of the deposit, which Betsy is loaning to her.  I assured her I’d transfer it immediately.  I know Carla is worried about us giving her such a large amount of cash but as I told her, I’m investing in my future and as far as I’m concerned, it’s the best possible future I could imagine.

 

I was late back to work.  Evidently, saying things like that to Carla earns me lots of kisses as rewards!  Noted!  I shall be saying plenty more like it in the future if I get a response like that!

 

My afternoon at work was less fun, unfortunately.  I had to chuck Kit out of an interview with Abi Webster.  He was being completely inappropriate!  I feel bad because I kept meaning to check on Abi after Mason died and then I got so caught up with Carla and then going back to work, I never got round to it.  But as I suspect, she is really suffering between the combination of watching Mason die and her past trauma of losing her son.  She broke down and told me she is seeing visions of Seb.  I was in a real bind because she admitted to attacking Toyah on the night of the Platt fire.  However, her husband produced CCTV evidence of someone (not Abi) taking an accelerant from the garage, proving that it was unlikely to have been Abi that started the fire.  So, thankfully, she’s off the hook for now.  I was able to calm her enough to talk through what she’s going through. I’ve given her a list of counsellors and also some literature about PTSD and mindfulness.  I hope it helps.  I feel so awful for her.  Everything she’s been through.  At least she has a strong support network, anyway.  She and Kevin are clearly devoted to each other.

 

I was very keen to come home to Carla and find out how it went at the prison.  I’d been stressing about her all afternoon.  We’re both suspicious over how disappointed Rob was to learn that the tests would be carried out in the prison and not the hospital.

 

Carla made us dinner while I made a call to my contact in the prison.  They confirmed again that Rob is definitely a model prisoner but neither of us can shake this feeling that he’s been playing the long game for longer than this kidney situation has been on the table.  Has he just been waiting for an opportunity to present itself?  I mean, he’s already tried to escape once; is he planning on doing a runner again?  How?  He’s going to have an operation!  He’d better bloody go through with it!  He’d better not let Carla down!  I’ll kill him myself if he so much as tries to back out of this!  I just don’t know what he thinks he can get out of this by becoming a donor.  It doesn’t make logistical sense.

 

Anyway, I’d best stop writing.  I’m hoping for a bit of a… cuddle… before bed!

 

Carla

 

5^th February 2025

9:12pm

 

I am worried about Lisa.  She’s exhausted.  She’s hardly getting any sleep and she’s working so hard every day.  Plus, she’s doing so much at home, looking after me and Betsy.  She comes home every lunch time without fail to make sure I’ve eaten, that I’m not overdoing it and I’m safe.  I wish there was something I could do to take the load off her.  In fact, I kind of have an idea but I don’t know if she’ll be up for it.  Recent developments suggest she will be but I’ll have to see.  I’ll report back tomorrow.

 

She was so sweet at lunch time.  She brought me some lunch and panicked when I told her I’d booked to see Rob to let him know that his test was booked in for tomorrow.  I get that she just wanted me to call him but I felt like something like that needed to be face to face.  And I’m glad it was now because if I wasn’t suspicious before (I was), I definitely am now.

 

Lisa, always my little cheerleader, is adamant that Rob will be a match and when I mentioned the deposit that Betsy is lending me, she said she she’d transfer it ASAP.  She told me that as far as she’s concerned, she’s investing in the best possible future she could imagine.  I mean, is that not the cutest thing someone could possibly say to you?  I think I actually fell more deeply in love with her right there and then!  She makes me feel so special.  So wanted.  So loved.  I couldn’t stop kissing her.  I nearly sacked Rob off and refused to let Lisa go back to work!

 

So, I went to the prison and I told Rob about the test.  He was most put out that it was being done in prison and not at the hospital.  And that makes me very suspicious.  Why does he want it done in hospital so badly?  He said he was looking forward to a day out but I don’t buy it.  Nor does Lisa.  She’s checked it again with her contact within the prison and Rob still stands up as a model prisoner but we’re not convinced.  There has to be something in this for him.  Rob has never, in his whole life, since long before he became a murderer, done something for nothing.  Never.  I just cannot believe that he would give me a kidney out of the goodness of his heart.  And I certainly don’t believe that he’s found God or any of that bullshit either.  No.  He is absolutely up to something.

 

I actually made dinner tonight.  I am quite proud of myself!  I didn’t even used to make dinner much before I was ill.  But I’m really trying to pick up some of the slack, as Lisa is doing way too much at the moment.  I’m worried about her burning herself out, especially as she’s hardly sleeping.  I need to get this transplant and recover so I can take my turn taking care of her.

 

Carla

 

6^th February 2025

11:30am

 

Lisa and I had sex last night.  It was amazing!  It feels like such a long time since I got to touch her so intimately.  I’ve missed it so much.  I mean, we’ve been having these amazing make out sessions that have been getting us pretty riled up but last night, I got to make her come and it was absolutely glorious.  She wanted to do the same for me but I stopped her.  I really wanted to make it about her. 

 

It wasn’t that I didn’t want it.  I really wanted it.  But lately, everything has been about me.  Lisa has been cooking, cleaning, taking care of me physically and mentally, working, watching over me at night… everything.  She’s been giving so much of herself.  And I just wanted to show her how much I love her.  I also wanted to relax her a bit.  Perhaps help her sleep, which seemed to work.  She still held me all night but every time I woke up, she was actually sleeping for the first time in ages.  Clutching me tightly but sleeping.  So, I obviously did something right.

 

I’d almost forgotten how incredible it is to go down on her.  To hear her crying out my name.  Feel her fingers pulling my hair while I bury my face against her, breathing her in.  Almost.

 

I never in my life imagined the bliss of making love to another woman.  Now, I could never imagine being with anyone but Lisa.  She’s intoxicating.

 

Lisa

 

6^th February 2025

15:05

 

I was a bit naughty last night but I can’t seem to bring myself to regret it.  Carla propositioned me before bed and I… let her.  She told me she was worried about me being so tired and wanted to relax me.  Then she started undressing me and laid me on the bed.  I did protest at first.  I was worried about her her health and her fatigue and her pain but she insisted she was fine.  She told me she wanted to take care of me.  So, I let her.

 

It was amazing.  Absolutely amazing.  She was so attentive.  I’ve missed being with her so much.  We’ve been fooling around recently, which has been wonderful but this was something else.  She made me come twice in a row.  There wasn’t even a break.  Just her mouth, bending me at will, making me scream her name in desperation.

 

I tried to return the favour but she turned me down (not unkindly).  She told me that all I’ve done is look after her for a month.  Run around after her, cook for her, clean, reassure her, everything.  She wanted me to feel taken care of and hopefully have a good night’s sleep for once.  And I bloody did as well.  I woke up feeling terribly guilty because I slept almost right through.  I was clinging onto her all night but I slept well for the first night in ages.  I feel genuinely refreshed today.  All because of a couple of orgasms!  She definitely has the magic touch.  And the magic tongue!  Wow.  She is amazing.  I am a very lucky girl!

 

Next time... Lisa and Betsy attend Mason's funeral, Lisa susses Rob and Mandy out and Carla has her transplant...

Chapter 35: The Transplant

Notes:

Thank you so much to everyone who is reading this. I appreciate you SO much!

Lisa

 

10^th February 2025

21:44

 

It has been a long day.  For starters, it was Mason’s funeral.  Betsy was adamant that she wanted to go by herself, despite me offering several times to go with her.  I felt quite hurt that she was shutting me out, not that I really felt in any rush to go to another funeral in a hurry.  But I also didn’t want her to go by herself.  But eventually, after she stole my earrings, she agreed to let me come. 

 

Only then, Carla got an urgent call from the hospital to say that Rob had had an allergic reaction to some penicillin they’d given him during the test.  I felt quite suspicious because why were they giving him penicillin and surely it was on his notes that he was allergic?  Apparently he had some ear infection the Doctor was trying to be helpful.  But he went into anaphylaxis and had to be rushed to hospital.  Just like he wanted to be in the first place, funnily enough.

 

I felt very conflicted as to where I should be going then – with Betsy or with Carla – but Carla was adamant that she would be fine to go to the hospital by herself.  She promised to get a cab and not drive.  She’s still not well enough for that yet.  She was really loving with Betsy.  I know she’s been worried about her.  But she dashed out the door before I could even offer her a lift home.  She did squeeze my hand though.  It’s not like I feel unloved.  She was just stressed and hurrying.

 

The funeral was hard.  It was sad.  There weren’t many of us.  None of Mason’s family.  Not his parents.  No Uncles or Aunts or Cousins.  Just us, a handful of neighbours and friends who cared about him.  I was incredibly proud of Betsy and I made sure I told her so.  I left her with Tim, Yasmeen, Maria and her friends at Speed Daal for the wake.  Even that little Liam attended.  What an incredible lad he is that he would come to pay his respects to the boy who bullied him.  If that doesn’t show what kind of person he is, what kind of man he’ll become, I don’t know what does.

 

I went to the hospital to meet Carla and met Rob for the first time.  It took me about ten seconds to suss him – and his prison guard, Mandy – out.  For starters, Rob was uncuffed.  Secondly, they were way too comfortable with each other.  And the fact that this big mistake with the medication had been made was really bothering me.  Added to his previous desperation for the test to be done in hospital.  And the fact that Carla was adamant right from the start that Rob never does anything for nothing.

 

Carla wasn’t there.  I introduced myself as DS Swain and explained I’d been looking for Carla.  Rob immediately wondered if she was in some kind of trouble.  I showed my cards and said I knew Mandy was helping Rob escape.  I tried to work out why but it didn’t take long for me to twig that it was for ‘love’, which is quite frankly the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.  She denied it all, of course.

 

When Carla arrived, she was surprised to see me.  I kissed her, which startled her but it was one way to introduce myself as her partner!  I kind of got a kick of out the surprise on their faces, I have to admit.  We played happy families then, with introductions and Rob wanting to know all about how we got together.  Did I arrest her?  I made a crack about the absurdity of falling for someone you’re locking up.  We discussed the transplant.  Rob was keen to stay in hospital, as he was worried about infection.  Carla was stressed because she couldn’t find the Consultant Rob had directed her to, nobody had heard of him.  Funny that.  It’s almost like they sent her on a wild goose chase so they could make their escape.

 

When Carla and I left, she was eager for my opinion on Rob.  Do I think they’re alike?  Did I like him?  I felt so sad for her.  Despite everything, she loves him.  And he is still just using her.  He has never had any intention of helping her, saving her, doing a single thing for her.  It’s all been a ploy to get out of prison.  All this time.  And it makes me so fucking angry.  Carla is such a good, kind, loyal, giving person.  She doesn’t deserve this.  She deserves the whole fucking world and I will do absolutely anything to give it to her.  Anything.

 

I sent her to the car, telling her I’d left something in the room.  I went back in and laid out my terms to Rob.  I made it clear I knew he had no intention of donating his kidney, that he just wanted to try and escape.  I told him that if it was up to me, he’d be going back to Highfield in a box.  But Carla means the world to me.  He demanded that I arrange it that he can stay in hospital.  I argued that I can’t influence medical decisions.  However, I lied that I can get his original sentence overturned.  He didn’t believe me.  I made it believable.  I told him one true thing: My partner’s dying.  I can do anything.

 

It broke me to say those words.  I’ve not said them out loud before.  I’ve not written them down.  I’ve not acknowledged it as the truth.  But it is true.  Until she gets this transplant – and it works – Carla is dying.  Slowly.  Day by day, I am losing her.  Just thinking about it is destroying me.  Obviously I am not about to try and set a murderer free but if I have to make a fake deal with the Devil to save her life, I will.  Without hesitation.  She is my world and I will do anything for her.  She has also just spotted that I’m crying so I’m going to close here.

 

Carla

 

10^th February 2025

9:44pm

 

It started out as a nice morning.  Kind of a little insight into what our future might hold, I hope.  Lisa and I, both working from home, chatting, drinking coffee at the table.  Betsy rummaging through Lisa’s earrings and shouting from the bedroom when she could have walked five paces to actually speak to us.  It made me happy.  It’s the kind of family I’ve always wanted.  The kind of family I didn’t imagine I could ever have.  The kind of family I want to keep.  I love them.  Both of them.

 

It was a tough day for Betsy.  Today was Mason’s funeral.  It was the first funeral the kid had to go to since her Mum.  Imagine being sixteen years old and having to bury your mother and your first boyfriend?  How awful is that?  At least she has Lisa though.  And whether she wants me or not, she’s got me.  I will spend as long as I’ve got left absolutely devoted to my girls.  I swear.  I never ever want to let either of them down.  Not ever.

 

I am so glad that Betsy relented and let Lisa go to the funeral with her.  I know Lisa struggled to attend herself.  It was her first funeral since Becky’s as well.  And that’s something she has never talked about either, weirdly.  I wonder what it was like.  Obviously, I’ve never been to a police funeral, not being a massive fan of coppers (until now – I am a MASSIVE fan of a certain one now)!  It wasn’t that long after we were all out of restrictions. But from everything I’ve heard about her, Becky was such a hero.  She must have had a real celebration to say goodbye.  I wonder if Lisa did her eulogy?  She’s told me before that she hates public speaking.  She says she’s terrible at it, especially if it’s something emotional but I don’t imagine that’s true.  She’s such a genuine person.  I very nearly told her that when I die, I want her to do my eulogy but last time I raised the issue of my death, she started crying so I thought better of it.

 

I had a bit of a shock this morning when the hospital called to say that Rob had been brought in with anaphylaxis.  He had the kidney match test done but the dozy Doctor had helpfully given him antibiotics for an ear infection and not noticed that he’s allergic.  Lisa was really torn over who to be with – me or Betsy but I insisted she go to the funeral, as it had taken such a lot of badgering for Betsy to finally let her go with her.  I made a fuss of Betsy before I left.  I sort of forgot to make a fuss of Lisa but I made up for it when we got home and I will definitely make up for it tonight!

 

I got a cab to the hospital and rushed in to see Rob.  He looked awful!  He nearly died.  Apparently his Consultant wanted to speak to me so I went off to find him but I couldn’t.  Nobody could, actually.  Nobody had even heard of him, which really confused me.  By the time I came back, Lisa was there.  She’d finished at the funeral and come to pick me up so I didn’t have to get a cab back.  She greeted me with the biggest snog, right in front of my brother!  Well, that’s one way to come out to him, I suppose!  I was a bit stunned but I kind of liked it.  I mean, I’m never going to turn her down, no matter the circumstances.  Kissing Lisa is the best thing on earth.

 

Rob and his guard were pretty stunned as well.  I guess she hadn’t told them who she was before I got there.  Well, Rob wanted to know everything.  I was surprised he didn’t make any digs.  I mean, me and a copper?  I didn’t think he’d be fussed that she was a woman.  But a police officer.  Yeah, we’re really not that kind of family.  But he was fine.  Nice.  Supportive.  Well, apart from suggesting we might have met through her arresting me!  I mean, there was the whole ABH thing but apart from that, I’ve behaved myself very well since I met her.  She actively encourages me to be a better person!

 

Hang on.  She’s crying.  She’s writing in her diary and she’s crying.

 

Carla

 

11^th February 2025

11:30am

 

I’m working from home again today.  I have been going to the factory a bit but only part time.  Yesterday was a bit of a long day, what with the hospital and then a bit of a late night so I thought I’d try and take it a bit easier today.

 

So, Rob called in the evening yesterday to say he was back in his cell.  I was worried about him and Lisa and I had a little cuddle on a sofa.  I thought Lisa didn’t care but she insisted she did, even if only because she wanted him to be fit and well for the transplant.

 

We had a chilled evening together.  We were both exhausted.  She’d already tucked Betsy into bed, as she was so emotionally drained from the funeral.  Then we decided to write in our diaries and go to bed ourselves.  But I caught Lisa crying while she was writing so I stopped us and made her talk to me.

 

It all came pouring out, how scared she is that she’s going to lose me when she’s only just found me.  And then she started apologising, feeling guilty for putting all her fears on me.  I pointed out that we’re meant to be a team and if she can’t talk to me about how she’s feeling, who is she meant to talk to?  She said she thought she was meant to keep it to herself; that’s what she’s been trying to do.  She hadn’t meant to let me see her cry.  She was just writing about it and tears slipped out.  I told her I wanted her to be honest with me about how she felt.  And I said I would do anything to stay here, to live a long and happy life with her.  I said I’ve got more to fight for than ever now.  And I mean that.  This is the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life and that’s because of her.  Lisa has brought a joy to my life that I didn’t think was possible.  I am so excited about the future.  I just need to get there.  I never wanted to take Rob’s kidney.  The only reason I’ve agreed to it is so that Lisa and I can live happily ever after.

 

She took me to bed after that.  It’s not been the wild passion we had before Christmas.  No handcuffs and vibrators but it’s been very gentle and loving.  It’s all I can manage physically and it’s more than enough for me.  I’m sure we’ll get our old rhythm back and it’ll go back to lasting hours but for now, just kissing and touching and holding each other, is a beautiful thing.  Sometimes we make each other come, sometimes we literally just hold each other.  All of it is perfect.  She is perfect.

 

Last night, she definitely made me come.  It was like she hadn’t eaten for a week and I was a gourmet meal.  Well, I was very happy to be on the menu!  I am always happy to be on the menu!  The things that woman can do with her mouth!  It’s actually insane.  Her lips.  Her tongue.  She explored every inch of me until I could hardly breathe.  She’s the most beautiful lover I have ever had.

 

Lisa

 

11^th February 2025

14:05

 

So, I’d tucked Betsy into bed, as she was so exhausted, physically and emotionally from the funeral.  It was quite a privilege.  It’s not something I get to do these days.  Then Carla and I tucked up on the sofa together.  She was worried about Rob being back in prison and at risk of infection.  She was a bit upset with me for not caring enough but she’s fallen for his lies now.  She’d be heartbroken if she knew the truth and that’s another reason why I have to make this work.  I have to protect her.  I have to make her believe that he was in this for her, not for himself.  I don’t want her to get hurt.  Not in any way.  If I can just secure the transplant and then get him put back where he belongs, Carla will be safe.

 

Anyway, we decided to write our diaries before we went to bed.  I ended up getting upset.  She made me tell her why and it all came tumbling out, my fears about losing her.  I feel so bad about it now.  I’m meant to be being strong for her, holding her together, not the other way around.  She’s not meant to be consoling me about her kidney failure!  It’s ridiculous.  She disagreed and actually seemed to take some comfort in being able to reassure me and take care of me rather than it being me taking care of her for a change.  I guess I was always going to fall apart at some point.  I’ve been running on empty for weeks.  I just really wanted to get her through this operation without making a mistake.

 

I took her to bed and made it very clear just how much she means to me.  We’re having to have sex a bit differently at the moment.  A bit gentler, a bit slower but no less full of love.  I wanted her to know that I adore her, worship her.  Mentally, emotionally, physically.  I love everything about her.  I had such a need to be close to her last night.  Well, most nights, actually.  I watch her sleep a lot now – in a dialysis way, not a creepy way – and I often think to myself, Peter must be absolutely mad.  How could he want to be on some boat somewhere with some woman who isn’t Carla when she was here, happy to be married to him, happy to spend the rest of her life with him?  Then I think, that goodness he is because otherwise, me and Carla would never have happened.  I would never have got a look in if she and Peter were still an item, I know that.  And then I start panicking, what would happen if one day, Peter turned back up and wanted Carla back?  She told me, way before she and I got together that it was all over between them, for good.  But they were together a long time, breaking up and getting back together.  What would she do if he came home and told her he’d got sailing out of his system and want them to make a go of things again?  Would she leave me?  I like to think not.  I like to think we mean more to each other than that, everything we’ve been through, everything we’re still going through.  She’s told me how much she loves me, how committed she is to me and Betsy.  I believe her.  I trust her.

 

Lisa

 

13^th February 2025

16:57

 

Rob is a match.  Carla can have the transplant tomorrow.  The hospital contacted her this morning to say there had been a cancellation so they could do it in the morning.  I mean, it wasn’t how I was planning on spending our first Valentine’s but it does mean we’ll be able to spend Valentine’s together going forward so I am definitely not complaining.

 

I had planned breakfast in bed and I was going to take her out for a romantic dinner in the evening if she wasn’t too tired.  But she’ll be nil by mouth in the morning and she’ll be in hospital for days afterwards.  But perhaps we can put Valentine’s on hold.  I’ve still got her present to give her and a bunch of roses on order that I’ll collect first thing and bring up to her.  I hope she likes them.

 

She was really tearful when she called me to tell me about the operation.  I was at work and started crying down the phone too, which was quite embarrassing but I was just so happy that everything was finally going ahead.  I just hope that Rob doesn’t mess this up.  Carla went to the prison today to tell Rob about it herself.  She felt that was the polite thing to do.  She’s so bloody grateful to him for doing this for her.  She phoned just now to say they had a good chat and she’ll be back in five minutes.  She’s pretty exhausted so I’ve run her a bath to get straight into, to help her unwind.

 

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been looking into Rob’s original conviction, not because I have any plans, whatsoever to try and get him released but because I need to think of something credible to say to him to make sure he goes ahead.  I’m sure he’ll want some kind of confirmation that I’m on the case.  The Detective who put him away, originally, is having her old cases looked at because they think she put pressure on people for confessions.  It’s enough.  I can use it.  I have to get this operation through.  I have to save Carla.  Oh, she’s home.

 

Lisa

 

13^th February 2025

21:59

 

I am tucked up in bed with Carla, ready for one last night of dialysis, I hope.  She was so happy when she got home.  She told me she and Rob had one of the best conversations they’ve had in years and he felt like her brother again.  She said she feels like he really wants to help her.  And that just broke my heart because I know he doesn’t.  I know he hasn’t changed.  He’s playing her.  He’s just out for himself.

 

I sent her off for her bath, which was when Rob called me, demanding details of how I was going to set him free or else, the operation was off.  I stalled him and said I’d visit tomorrow before the operation.  I have to be careful.  I have to get this done.  And I have to make sure I’m also there to support Carla.  She’s going to be stressed out of her head.  She’s also questioned me so many times, worried that all of this is too much for me.  I can’t let her down on the day.  I need to make sure she knows I’m there for her 100% before she goes down.  At least I’m used to not sleeping.

 

After I hung up from Rob and did a little more research.  Then I heard Carla calling from the bathroom.  I hurried in, worried she might be feeling poorly.  She had had a really long day.  She was NOT feeling poorly.  She was feeling quite the opposite!  She invited me into her bath and well, it would have been rude to turn her down.

 

She apologised for ruining Valentine’s.  I told her that her getting a new kidney was the best thing that could possibly happen.  She pointed out that it was technically second hand and teased me for being a romantic, wanting body parts for Valentine’s.  This turned into a bit of a water fight, which turned into sex in the bath.  It was good.  Really good.

 

We’ve been snuggled up in bed since.  She’s not allowed to eat tonight either so I’ve said I’m not hungry.  I’m bloody starving!  She told me she had been planning on making me breakfast in bed tomorrow and I said I’d been planning the same thing.  Great minds, eh?  She said she’d still like to do it for me, even if she can’t eat.  I said I don’t want to eat in front of her, as it doesn’t seem fair and I can just grab something at the café but she begged.  She said I’ve spent so much time looking after her and it’s not over yet.  She wants to do something nice to me, although did point out that her cooking skills aren’t as good as mine.  She always puts herself down but she’s actually not as bad in the kitchen as she claims to be.  I mean, I’ve had to upgrade the kitchen a bit.  She doesn’t even have a proper veg peeler!  But she’s cooked me a few nice dinners.  And we’ve cooked some nice meals together too.  What can I say?  I love everything about her.

 

Carla

 

13^th February 2025

9:59pm

 

I have spent a lot of the day at the prison, visiting Rob.  I was contacted by the hospital this morning to say that he is a match and because they’ve had a cancellation, we can go ahead with the operation tomorrow!  I feel very overwhelmed.  I was scared he was going to change his mind but he seemed to take it all in his stride.  He’s very happy to go ahead.  We actually had a really nice chat.  He even teased me a bit, said I must be going soft, living with Lisa, all the oestrogen flowing around the house!  Cheeky bastard!  We talked about our childhood.  Growing into respectable people.  It finally felt like he was my brother again, after all this time.  After everything that’s happened.  I can’t believe he’s really doing this for me.

 

Lisa had very sweetly run me a bath when I got in.  Honestly, just when I couldn’t love her any more!  It was exactly what I needed.  And she was so lovely when I called her earlier in the day.  I cried when I told her about the transplant and then she cried, which I know she would have found embarrassing because she was at work.

 

I had hoped she’d follow me into the bath but she didn’t so I summoned her.  And we had some amazing sex – in the bath!  I still feel a bit guilty that it’s all happening on Valentine’s Day.  She hasn’t had a proper Valentine’s in a long time.  To be fair, Valentine’s with Peter was never anything special.  But I wanted to make things special for Lisa.  I’d planned breakfast in bed (so had she, evidently) and I was going to take her out for the day and really spoil her but although I have won the argument about breakfast in bed (just because I can’t eat, doesn’t mean she can’t), the rest of the day is going to be delayed.  She says all she cares about is me getting the kidney and getting well again.  And I love that about her.  I love that she loves me so much, cares so much.  I am so lucky to have her.

 

Well, she’s just put her pen down.  If I can’t have a ‘last supper’ before tomorrow, I’m definitely going to go to sleep doing something I love…

 

Lisa

 

Valentine’s Day 2025

14:02

 

Carla is having her operation as we speak.  I am fucking terrified.  I nearly missed her being taken down because I was busy negotiating with her bloody brother.  He’s now got me on a recording, promising to get the charges against him dropped.  He was that paranoid that I’d go back on my word.  I mean, obviously I’m going back on my word.  I just need that kidney for Carla.  Then he can fuck off right back to prison.  I’m not concerned about the recording.  It was made under duress.  I would have said anything to make sure that Carla was safe and well.  And hopefully, after today, she will be.  I don’t care what happens to him.

 

True to her word, she made me breakfast in bed this morning.  I can’t remember the last time I had breakfast brought to me in bed.  It wasn’t something Becky ever really used to do.  And then obviously I was alone for three long years.  So, it felt very special this morning, especially it was such an important day for Carla.  And she wasn’t even allowed to eat.  That she would be so loving and so thoughtful.  We exchanged gifts.  I did some extra last minute shopping yesterday.  Essentially I bought her a little care package for hospital.  New pyjamas, a new dressing gown, some more books, slippers, a new pair of joggers to get changed into when she feels more up to it.  And she’s been complaining about her iPad being knackered so I bought her a new one and downloaded a load of the films on her list onto it.  She told me off for spending so much money but she’s worth it.  I want to spend money on her.  I want to treat her.  I haven’t had anyone to buy anything for on Valentine’s.  And who could be more special than Carla?

 

She was so incredibly thoughtful. Romantic.  Not only did I get breakfast in bed, which was incredibly thoughtful, she bought me a bottle of my favourite perfume.  She said she was being selfish because she loves smelling it on me.  She bought me a photobook of our relationship, dating all the way back to that first selfie we took in The Bistro together.  New earrings.  She has really good (and expensive) taste in earrings.  And shoes.  She said I needed new shoes.  So, she bought me a new pair of (nicer) boots than I currently wear for work.  So yeah, she spent plenty!

 

While she was getting showered and prepared for the operation, I nipped out to collect the roses I’d ordered.  She was really pleased with them when I brought them back.  She warned me not to keep spoiling her or she’d get used to it.  I told her to get used to it, that I always want her to feel special, every day.  She told me she does.

 

I pretended I had to nip into work but promised to meet her at the hospital.  Instead, I went to the hospital separately.  I felt safe that she had Roy and the boys to look after her until I got there.  I went to see Rob and Mandy and that’s when they recorded me, thinking it would mean I would keep my end of the deal.  I won’t.  I just needed them to keep theirs.

 

When I got to Carla, she was a right state.  I had to lie that my phone had died and apologise for not getting there earlier.  We just had time to say ‘I love you’ before she was taken down.  She made me promise I’d be there when she came back up.  Of course I will be.  I’m bloody beside myself!  All I can think about is my darling girl being cut open.  This is horrible.  All of us waiting here for her, willing her to be okay.  I don’t know how Roy is coping with this a second time!  I just want Carla to be okay.  I need her to be okay.

 

Carla

 

Valentine’s Day 2025

11pm

 

Well, I’ve had the transplant.  I can’t believe it’s actually done.  I feel like absolute shit.  I’m on a whack load of meds.  Painkillers, anti rejection meds, antibiotics.  The lot.  Right up until the last minute, I was panicking.  Not least because Lisa wasn’t here.  She had to go into work and she didn’t get here until a few moments before I went down.  I was gutted.  I’d wanted to spend some time with her before the operation.  We did have some time this morning and time last night but I’d wanted to see her in the hours leading up to the op.  I’m afraid I probably came across as ungrateful to Roy and the boys.  They’d been there all morning and all I wanted was Lisa.  She keeps me calm in a way that nobody else can.

 

But she did turn up at the last minute.  We got to say I love you before I went down.  I was just so scared that I was going to die on the table without getting to tell her one more time how much I love her.  But I did get to tell her and I have also lived to tell her again, as the operation was a success.

 

And we had a lovely morning too.  She properly spoilt me for Valentine’s Day.  She bought me an iPad and preloaded loads of the films from my list onto it.  She also got me the most gorgeous bunch of roses.  Definitely not from Dev’s.  She’d also put together this lovely pack for hospital – pyjamas, a new dressing gown, books, slippers, joggers, all kinds of little bits and bobs in there.  All with a view to making me feel as comfortable as possible during my stay.  She spent so much money.  Too much.  She’s just so kind and generous.  So thoughtful.  She always makes me feel so special.

 

She accepted my breakfast in bed.  She didn’t even comment on the slightly burnt toast.  She just seemed overwhelmed that I would do that for her when I was nil by mouth.  She seemed to like the gifts I bought her.  I hope I make her feel special and loved the way she makes me feel special and loved anyway.  Ryan said she was frantic the whole time I was having my operation.

 

She stayed until late tonight, long after everyone else went home.  We both just sat there for an hour after everyone else had left, crying and holding hands, telling each other that we loved each other.  When she got tired, she rested her head on the bed and I stroked her hair.  I love her hair.  She told me over and over again that she was so happy I was safe and how excited she was that we can now spend the rest of our lives together.  I’m excited too.  I just have to make sure my body doesn’t reject the kidney now.  And then Lisa and I will get our happy ever after.  I am so grateful to Rob for what he’s done.  And I’m so happy that Lisa and I get our dream now.  We get the future.  Happiness.  Together.  Us and Betsy and the boys. 

 

Lisa

 

15^th February 2025

00:14

 

I am finally back at Carla’s.  It had been a long day.  I really struggled to drag myself away from the hospital.  Away from Carla.  Honestly, I just sat by her bedside, long after everyone else had left, holding her hand, crying, telling her that I loved her, that I was so thrilled to be spending the rest of my life with her.  I’m not even scared to make such declarations anymore.  I’m not scared of loving her so deeply.  She means the world to me.  I never want to be without her.  I don’t think I’d cope without her.  This is it for me now.  Carla Connor. The most wonderful woman in the world.

 

Next time... Mandy and Rob take Carla hostage, Rob attacks Lisa and Carla lashes out...

Chapter 36: The Great Escape

Lisa

 

17^th February 2025

12:12

 

I’m back at work.  I was meant to have the whole week to be with Carla after her surgery but I got called in this morning because someone was sick.  I’m so pissed off.  Costello told me I could take the time I need to look after her.  And then this morning he said, well, she’s in hospital.  She’s doesn’t need you to look after her, doesn’t she?  So, I got the weekend and that was it.  Back in today.

 

I went in to see her first thing and apologised for not getting to spend the day with her today.  She assured me it was fine, pointing out that she was asleep most of the weekend anyway and thinks she’ll probably be much the same today.  They’ve got her on the highest dose of anti-rejection medication (and all the other drugs they’ve dosed her up with) to try and make sure the transplant is definitely successful.  I hardly slept last night.  I was so worried about how poorly she looked when I left her.  Since she first got ill, she’s always remained chatty and positive but she was so drained, so exhausted.

 

I ignored Rob all weekend.  Bobby went to see him, of course.  Keeps banging on about what a fucking hero he is.  I put off going to see him until I left the hospital today.  I made it clear that I was never planning on getting his conviction overturned; I was using him to get Carla the help he needs.  He reminded me about the recording he has but I’m not concerned.  I mean, for starters, he’ll have to explain how he came into possession of a phone in the first place.  Either he has contraband or he’s shagging a guard.  Neither is a good option. 

 

And besides, I clearly made the recording under duress when he was threatening to pull the plug on the transplant.  Does he really want Carla to hate him, knowing he was never planning to help her?  He just wanted to get out of prison? 

 

I’m confident there’s nothing he can do now.  He’s gone ahead with the transplant.  Carla is safe.  He’s going back to prison.  We never have to hear from him again.  And I just have to get through this day until I can see her tonight.

 

Carla

 

18^th February 2025

10:30am

 

I don’t even know where to start.  Everything feels like a blur.  A horrible, painful blur.

 

Over the weekend, I slept pretty much constantly.  Everyone visited, which was lovely.  I felt really bad, as people were taking time out of their day to be with me and I just kept falling asleep.  Lisa stayed all day, both days, and every time I managed to open my eyes, she looked so worried.  She came in early yesterday morning (was it only yesterday?) to apologise for being called into work.  Costello had told her she could have time off for my op but then he gave her no notice, told her she was needed.  I assured her it was fine.  I was going to be asleep anyway.  I even kicked the boys and Roy out when they came back later because all I really wanted to do was sleep.  That was my plan anyway. 

 

What was not my plan was to get kidnapped from the hospital and held hostage by my crazy brother.  Or to nearly kill him.  Yeah.  So, that happened.

 

So, I was asleep when this prison officer, Mandy, came and hauled me out of bed.  She told me that Rob had an infection and needed to see me.  I was still half asleep, in agony and really confused.  She gave me no choice, whatsoever.  Just bundled me into a wheelchair and demanded that I went with her.  When I tried to object, she pulled out a gun.  And I knew.  I knew I’d been right all along and Rob hadn’t done any of this for me.  It had all been part of his plan to escape.  Me getting a kidney out of it was a bonus at best, an accident at worst.

 

She drove me to this abandoned building.  I’d never been there before.  Some office block or something, long out of use.  She dragged me out of the car and into the building where she held me at gunpoint while we waited for Rob.  I was so stressed about missing my medication.  The hospital are confident not too much damage has been done but I do have another infection that they’re trying to get under control and of course, it was an infection that started all this in the first place.

 

I did manage to persuade Mandy to put the gun down.  I mean, it’s not my first rodeo, let’s be honest.  I should be a negotiator at this point.  We talked and it became very clear to me that the mad bitch is in love with Rob; he’s filled her head with lies.  She fully believes all his bullshit, that a man who could push a young woman off a building and then cave her head in, is actually capable of love.  Well, she did anyway.  Not now.  She’s seen the light.

 

And it turns out that Lisa was a step ahead of the game the whole time.  She clocked onto Rob’s plans.  I assume she clocked onto him and Mandy too.  Probably that day I found her in his room.  She made a deal with Rob to secure the transplant went ahead.  They assumed I knew about it but I didn’t know anything.  Lisa didn’t tell me.  She’s been running around, stressing herself out, trying to make sure I get this kidney transplant, trying to save my life and protect me from knowing my brother was using my life to escape.  She knew I wanted to believe in him and she didn’t want me to lose faith. 

 

She thinks I should be angry with her.  Why?  Because Rob was more underhand than she anticipated?  More evil?  Because it went wrong?  No.  She was doing what she does.  Trying to look after me.  She did look after me.  She got me the bloody operation, didn’t she?  Rob wouldn’t have gone ahead otherwise.  He would have just legged it.  Lisa made it happen.  If anything, she’s proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she’ll do anything for me and I love her for that.  And I love that she did it without saying.  She didn’t want glory and thanks.  She just wanted me to be okay.

 

So, when Rob turned up and wouldn’t confirm whether Lisa was okay or not, I was beside myself.  He was certain I’d been in on the plan from the beginning.  He decided to steal Lisa’s car and my money and leg it with Mandy.  But then I let slip about Mandy being pregnant and he lost his shit.  He demanded that she get rid of the baby.    Then he attacked me. 

 

Mandy finally saw who he really is and left.  I mean, she could have taken me with her!  But no.  She just fucked off and left me at Rob’s mercy.  To be fair, she did stop him when he grabbed my stitches.  And he responded by shoving her.  Knowing she was pregnant with his kid.  And that’s my baby brother.

 

I begged him to let Lisa go.  And that’s when it all fell apart.  He told me that she was probably dead anyway.  He’d attacked her, hit her harder, more aggressively, more times than he had intended and got carried away, he said.  He enjoyed telling me that.  Then he left.  I followed. 

 

I didn’t mean to do it.  Honestly, I didn’t mean to do it.  But all I could think about was the image of him killing Lisa, MY Lisa.  Of her being hurt.  Dying.  All by herself.  Without me.  Thinking she’d messed everything up, failed to save me.  Scared to leave Betsy alone in the world without her.  Without either of us.  And I was scared.  And I was angry.  And I was absolutely heartbroken.

 

So I pushed him.

 

I didn’t mean to push him as hard as I did.  I regretted it as soon as I did it.  He went down the stairs and hit the wall, straight over the banister and onto the floor.

 

Then I heard the door open.  I looked down and there she was.

 

Lisa.

 

Bloodied and battered.  But alive.  Looking up and me and wondering what I’d done.

 

She leapt straight into action then.  Despite what she’d been through.  Despite how much pain she was in.  And judging by the blood, she was in a lot of pain.  She put her gloves on, checked his pulse, confirmed he was dead.  Gathered things up in evidence bags.  All the while I sat at the top of the stairs, sobbing and trying to explain that he’d told me he’d killed her.  That I hadn’t meant to push him.  All the while I was terrified of what this meant for us.  How the hell could she go on loving me, knowing I’ve killed someone?

 

She practically carried me down the stairs and outside.  She was in so much pain but she completely prioritised me.  Even when Kit turned up, she told me not to speak to him or to any police because I was in shock.  I didn’t understand it then, what she was trying to say, trying to do.  Buying me… us… time.  She told Kit that Rob was dead, wouldn’t let him ask me questions, wouldn’t even let him in the building.  She just kept insisting that I needed to get to hospital urgently.  So, he took us.  And I don’t really remember much after that.  I was in and out of consciousness in the back of the car.  Lisa kept talking to me, trying to keep me conscious.  I just kept crying, worrying about her head.  She just kept telling me it was okay, that everything was okay.  We were going to hospital and I’d be safe.

 

I woke up several hours later in hospital, surrounded by Roy, Ryan and Bobby.  I was gutted not to see Lisa by my bedside.  I know I sound ungrateful.  The boys had all rushed there the moment they’d heard but all I wanted, needed was Lisa.  Bobby was full of questions about Rob that I couldn’t answer.  Not without speaking to Lisa first.

 

She’d been treated at the hospital and then dragged in for questioning over what happened.  She’d made a mistake in all the shock and stress and although Rob had been unresponsive, he was alive.  So by the time backup had arrived, he’d fled the scene and stolen her car.  Kit had raised it as suspicious (prick), wondering if she hadn’t let him escape in exchange for the kidney transplant.  As if she would ever do that!

 

I woke up feeling very relieved to find her beside me.  She’d been stitched up but her injuries were bad.  No wonder Rob thought he’d killed her.  She was all full of guilt about what had happened, thought it was all her fault.  It’s not.  She confessed to the deal she made with Rob and I assured her, I’d already been told.  I pointed out that she had no idea what was going to happen.  We stayed together all night, just holding each other and crying.  I asked her if she’d stay with me.  And I didn’t just mean last night.  I mean for all of it.  Life. Everything.  I don’t want her to move back to her house.  I want us to live together, for real.  I want to wake up with her every morning and go to bed with her every night.  I want us to live our lives together.

 

I was so frightened, while I was waiting for her to come and see me that she was finding a way to tell me that her opinion of me had changed.  And this is what I’ve been scared of all this time.  Lisa is such a good person.  And I’ve got myself into trouble more times than I can count.  I’ve made so many stupid decisions, acted poorly and on impulse.  I pushed my brother down the stairs.  We thought I’d killed him.  She’s a DS.  A bloody good one at that.  I’ve been so terrified that she sees me differently.  That she’ll have to hand me into the police for murder.  That she won’t love me like she did a couple of days before, now she knows what I’m capable of.  But she does.  She just… accepts me.  Loves me.  Wants to be with me.  If I had actually killed him, she says she would have covered for me.  She says there is nothing she wouldn’t do for me.

 

She slept the night here.  The staff just let her.  They knew we’d been through hell yesterday.  I hardly slept.  Well, neither of us did, actually.  We talked, we cried.  Eventually, she drifted off on a pillow they gave her, tucked on the edge of my bed.  I just lay there, holding her hand and watching her sleep.

 

She very reluctantly left me just now.  She had to go home and get showered and changed.  I’ll have to give a statement at some point today but I’m hoping they’ll leave me in peace for a bit.  I just hope Lisa doesn’t end up in some kind of trouble at work because of what’s happened.  She was only trying to do the right thing.  Only trying to help me.  Only trying to protect me.  I still just want to cry when I think about him hurting her.  She said he took her hostage in the car and when she tried to call Kit, he caught her and battered her.  He punched her until she lost consciousness.  The moment she woke up, she came into the building and that’s when she found Rob at the bottom of the stairs.  He must have really hurt her because Rob and I were up there for a while before that happened.  My poor Lisa.  My poor, darling Lisa.

 

Lisa

 

18^th February 2025

22:49

 

I am so exhausted.  I hardly even know where to start, explaining the last few days.  My brilliant plan went absolutely tits up.  Carla nearly died.  So did Rob.  I obviously care more about one than the other.  He’s now on the run.  She’s fighting another infection.  And I’ve been called in for questioning over the whole thing.  Bloody genius, aren’t I?

 

I was on my way to visit her yesterday when Rob climbed into the back of my car.  He’d managed to overpower his guard, change into his clothes and leave the hospital, having got that Mandy woman to kidnap Carla.  He demanded five grand off me, like I’ve just got it sitting in my account.  I stalled for time.  I told him I’d sort the money out so long as he took me to Carla first and I could know she was okay.  I was panicking.  I was terrified that he’d hurt her.

 

He made me drive to this abandoned office block.  I was still panicking.  Carla was meant to be in hospital, taking her medication, safe.  I thought I’d managed a sneaky call to Kit but he caught me.  He beat me up and knocked me unconscious.

 

When I woke up, I was still in the front seat of the car.  My head was killing me.  Bleeding.  Rob was gone.  I was terrified for Carla.  I managed to get out of the car and found my phone smashed up on the ground.  All I could hope was that Kit had got my message and would turn up and help.

 

I stumbled inside the building just in time to find Rob dead (or so I thought) in the foot of the stairwell and Carla, distraught, in pain and terrified at the top of the stairs.  I knew she’d pushed him.  I knew it from the look on her face.  I dreaded to think what she’d been through to make her do that.  What torment I’d led her to when I’d been trying to save her life.

 

I (thought I) checked he was dead and made sure I didn’t leave any forensics behind.  Then I dragged myself up the stairs to bring Carla down.  She could barely walk.  I practically had to carry her.  And I could barely manage.  My head was spinning and I thought I was going to be sick at any moment.  But she was so fragile.  She couldn’t stop crying and trying to apologise and explain and I

had to get her out of the there.  She kept saying he’d told her he’d killed me.

 

All I could do was reassure her, hold her upright and get to the car.  Then Kit turned up.  I quickly told Carla not to talk to him or any police officer.  She was in shock and she could say anything and I was terrified of her getting into trouble for something that wasn’t her fault.  My protective instincts took full control.  She looked at me so helplessly and I knew then without a shadow of a doubt that there is nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for her.  She is the love of my life.  Wholeheartedly.

 

Kit was fussing about Rob and securing the scene but all I cared about was Carla and getting her to hospital.  I pointed out that Rob was dead and not going anywhere and backup was coming anyway.  Carla’s life was at risk and that was far more important.  So he reluctantly drove us to the hospital where Carla was rushed in for treatment.  She has an infection (again) and is being put on a high dose of antibiotics to fight it.  As well as making up for the anti-rejection meds she missed while those bastards were holding her hostage.  They think she’s in the clear, as much as she was, with her kidney but it’s still risky.  It could still fail.  All of this and her kidney could still fail; I could still lose her.

 

Betsy, Ryan, Roy and Bobby all turned up, desperately worried about Carla.  Betsy was worried about me and came in with me to get my head treated.  It was not very pleasant.  And I know the whole thing has upset Betsy.  She even begged me to resign.  But this didn’t happen at work.  This was our personal life.  So, I can’t agree.  I can’t.  We’ve talked some more since I got home tonight and we’re both feeling pretty fragile.  But I think it’s a testament to how far we’ve come in our relationship that when we’re fragile now, we don’t seem to fight anymore.  And I know Carla is a massive part of why.

 

Kit hung around like a bad smell.  Evidently, he had gone back to the scene while I was being treated, only to be informed that Rob was alive and had done a runner in my car.  So, he came back to the hospital and demanded that I came to the station to make a statement about what happened.  I insisted on taking Betsy home first, being that I wasn’t able to go in and see Carla yet.  I needed to stall for time as much as anything, get things straight in my head.

 

At the station, I went through everything that happened with Rob – getting into my car, demanding money, assaulting me.  Then I said I’d found him at the bottom of the stairs.  He fell.  I was sure I’d checked his pulse properly but I had been in shock and I had a head injury at the time.  Kit kept banging on about how keen I was to leave Rob unattended and get Carla to hospital.  I was not happy with what he was implying.  That I’d let a murderer loose in exchange for a kidney transplant.  No way.

 

Of course, since then, I’ve been raked over the coals again, as they’ve found the voice recording.  I was interviewed by Costello.  I stuck to my story about being under duress.  I don’t think he really believed me, especially considering Rob has escaped.  But they can’t disprove what I’m saying and I genuinely didn’t think he’d survived the fall.  I know I need to watch my back.  I have to be careful not to step out of line, at least for a while.  But the most important thing, more than Rob or my job or any of it, is that Carla is okay.

 

I went back to the hospital as soon as I could.  Carla was asleep when I got there, so I just sat by her bedside, holding her hand.  Her first concern was my head.  Of course it was.  I was just worried about her.  And feeling terribly guilty for what I’d done.  I confessed to the deal I’d made with Rob but she already knew.  He and Mandy had told her about it.  I really thought she’d be angry with me, blame me.  She should have blamed me.  But she was so kind.  So loving.  So understanding.

 

She was also wracked with guilt that she’d killed Rob so at least I was able to reassure her that he was alive.  Although then she was worried about him being out there on the loose, angry with us both.  I reassured her again.  She just cried.  Asked me to stay with her, which of course I was planning on doing anyway.  I’d already asked Ryan if he would be around for Betsy.

But then she said, “I don’t just mean tonight.”

I really think she thought I was going to leave her.  How on earth could I ever leave her?  Especially after this.  Maybe she thought I’d judge her for pushing him.  I don’t at all.  I told her I’m not going anywhere.  I told her that even if she had killed him, nobody would ever have known.  As far as the police and anyone else knows, he fell and that’s all they’ll ever know as far as I’m concerned.

 

I sat by her side the whole night, holding her hand, both of us crying.  She’s made it clear that she wants me and Betsy to stay on in the flat, for us to live together for real.  She said she can’t bear the thought of spending any time away from me than she has to.  She kept telling me she loves me, over and over again.  She said when Rob told her he’d killed me, part of her had died.  The reason she agreed to the transplant, the reason she’s fought so hard is because she’s got more to live for than she’s ever had – me.  This beautiful life she’s been planning for me, her and Betsy.  She said she doesn’t want to wait to live it.  She just wants us to be happy together now.  And I want the same.

 

A nurse got me a pillow and I slept at Carla’s bedside.  We fell asleep holding hands.  I don’t know how well Carla slept but I had nightmares.  I was exhausted by the morning.  I hated leaving her.  But I knew I had to face work.  I also had to go home and get showered and changed.  And I needed to see Betsy and reassure her before I went in.  So, I reluctantly said goodbye to Carla and promised to be back as soon as I could.

 

So, I spent most of today being harassed, sorry, interviewed by Costello about Rob and the voice note.  I tried to check in with Betsy and Carla as much as I could.  Betsy went to visit Carla too, which was nice.  I went to the hospital as soon as I could and I’ve spent the evening with Carla again.

 

I reconfirmed that I told the police that Rob fell.  Carla is still in bits over the whole thing but I insisted that she hadn’t meant to hurt him, just stop him escaping.  We don’t need to give voice to how angry and upset she was at the time and what emotions might have taken over in the moment.  It’s not important.  What’s important is that she’s a good person and she does not deserve to be punished for something awful that’s happened to her.

 

Oh, and get this!  Bobby was going to help Rob escape, if you please.  Ryan caught him putting a load of cash together to give him.  They argued about it in front of Carla, who is absolutely devastated.  She gave Bobby a home.  She’s looked after him.  He knows what Rob did to her and he was still going to betray her like that?  She threw him out of her hospital room and says she’s done with him.  For good this time.

 

The good news is that she should hopefully be out of hospital tomorrow or at least in the next few days.  I think it may take us both some time to recover from all of this, physically and mentally.  We’re both blaming ourselves for what happened when realistically, we know it was Rob’s fault. 

 

The thought that by trying to help Carla, I put her in danger…  It kills me.  I love her so much and all I’ve ever wanted to do is protect her and keep her safe.  However, what I do know is that we’ll get through it all.  We’ll look after each other and support each other and that’s so important.  If I’m being completely honest, I didn’t always feel like Becky supported me.  Not like Carla does.  Even before we got together, whenever I felt low or anxious, she was always there to make me feel better.  And I always let her.  Perhaps that’s how I knew she was different, an important person in my life.  Because I don’t let people in easily.  But Carla… she’s changed my whole world.  I don’t know what I would do without her.

 

Carla

 

18^th February 2025

11:34pm

 

I don’t want anything more to do with Bobby.  After all of this, everything Rob has done – kidnapping me, beating Lisa up, hurting me, playing me in the first place to try escape – he still hero worships his Dad.  I’d almost understand it if he’d grown up with him but he’s only known him for all of five minutes!  Rob had no intention of giving me a kidney.  I was just lucky.  Well, I had Lisa stepping up for me, is what happened.  She clocked that he was playing me and she made him go through it with it.  And now she’s beating herself up, thinking this whole thing is her fault when it’s not.  All she was doing was trying her best and I love her for it.  I do.

 

She’s even gone against her own moral code to lie for me.  She’s told the police that Rob fell.  She didn’t even give me up when they were harassing her, trying to make out like she let him escape on purpose.  She fought for me, for us, right to the end and I am so incredibly grateful.  It breaks my heart that she feels responsible for what Rob and Mandy did.  But she’s so busy trying to reassure me and comfort me in my guilt and my pain that as usual, she’s not thinking about herself.

 

As for Bobby… well, he spent the day putting cash together to actually help Rob escape.  Ryan intercepted but Rob was nowhere to be seen.  Of course he wasn’t.  I threw Bobby out of my room.  I want nothing more to do with him.  I can never forgive him for this.  Never.

 

Sally stopped by to visit me earlier, which was nice.  I don’t think I was the best company.  She’d been in to visit Kevin.  He’s having treatment for testicular cancer.  It brought up a lot of memories for her, I think.  Betsy also came by with a card and to see how I was doing. 

 

Lisa came after work and we spent the evening together.  I cried when she left.  I didn’t want her to go.  I just want to come home now, curl up with her and stay there for at least a week.  Maybe she could have a couple of days off or something, like she originally planned, when I come home?  They said it could be tomorrow.  It depends on this infection.

 

I had a nice video call with Michelle just now.  She was very worried about what had happened.  She’s been worried about Rob being involved since the start, as have I, as has Lisa.  I didn’t tell her everything.  Nothing that would have broken Lisa’s confidence.  But suffice to say, she told me to keep hold of her, as I’ve obviously found someone ‘worthy’, as she put it.  Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m worthy sometimes but I will never stop trying to prove that she made the right choice by letting me love her.

 

Next time... Carla comes home, the flat is broken into and Rob follows Betsy...

Chapter 37: Fear

Carla

 

24^th February 2025

5:24pm

 

I’m home!  And I swear, if I see another hospital ward again, I will swing for someone!  I don’t even care who it is.

 

Ryan brought me home this morning.  Betsy was waiting for me and Lisa had put up these cute little banners and bought me a cake (which they’d then decorated with sweets to within an inch of its life so I might no longer have kidney failure but I may end up with Diabetes).  It was bloody delicious though.

 

She was meant to be at home with me today.  She’s meant to have the week off.  But yet again, she got called into work.  She texted me loads, full of apologies.  I know she’s feeling guilty.  I know this was a problem with Becky, with Betsy.  But I don’t want it to be a problem for us.  Not because I want her to change but because I want her to know I understand how dedicated she is to her job.  It’s one of the first things I ever loved about her.  I don’t want to be a nagging wife… well, not wife.  Girlfriend.  Partner.  We’re not getting married or anything.  I don’t even know if she’d ever want to get married again.  And we’ve not even been together for three months yet.  But anyway, I’ve distracted myself.  I don’t want to be a nagging girlfriend.  I want to be supportive.  If the last week has shown us both (I hope), it’s that we’re in this for keeps.  We’re devoted. 

 

And actually, I really like that she’s so career driven.  I find it really attractive.  We love each other but we have our own thing too.  I’m dedicated to my business and she’s so devoted to her work, to helping people.  I mean, that’s one of the central reasons Peter and I fell apart in the end.  I had Underworld, something I’m passionate about.  And he didn’t really have anything.  He’s never had huge career goals really.  He’s always done a bit of this, a bit of that.  And that made him happy – until it didn’t. 

 

Is it wrong that I’m glad?  It sounds awful, doesn’t it?  A terrible, terrible thing to say.  I’m glad my marriage fell apart.  I’m glad my husband was so miserable that I had to send him literally out of the country?  It’s just… if all that hadn’t happened, Lisa and I might never be together now.  And if I had to pick, it would be her.  It would always be her.

 

I have had a nice day with Ryan, as much as I miss Lisa.  He’s been lovely, providing tea and cake and company.  I told him what happened with Rob.  Not Lisa’s role in anything but that I pushed him.  And Ryan is someone I trust completely.  I know he won’t tell anyone and he didn’t judge me for it either.  He just listened and was kind to me.  He let me ramble about my fears that Rob is out there somewhere, wanting to murder me.  But more than that, I’m scared that Lisa or Betsy could come to harm.

 

Bobby came by to drop his keys off.  He gave me a welcome home card, which I told him to put in the recycling.  I made it clear that I’ll keep employing him but other than that, I want nothing more to do with him.  I feel guilty, shutting him out but I have to.  He’s hurt me so much.  He knows Rob had no good intentions.  He knows he hurt me and Lisa both.  And he was still willing to help him.  How could he do that?

 

Lisa

 

25^th February 2025

11:45

 

I finally have a few days off work.  Not the week I planned but a few days.  I made it crystal clear that I needed to be at home for Carla.  I was pissed enough that I missed her coming home.  I got up really early yesterday morning and put up banners and then went over to Roy’s to get the cake he’d made for her.  We decorated it and I was all set to go with Ryan to collect her from hospital when I got an urgent call asking me to come in because of a murder.  I tried to negotiate and explain what an important day it is but Costello wasn’t listening.  In the end, he agreed that I could take three days, as long as I came in yesterday.  So I did and I was there almost all day.

 

I kept messaging Carla, apologising and she was lovely about it but I was so disappointed not to be there for her.  I so wanted to be there for her.  She sent me a few silly selfies with the cake and the banners and told me how grateful she was for all the effort I’d gone to.  But I am very aware of how much work has got in the way before – with Becky and with Betsy - and I just don’t want to make the same mistake again.  Not with Carla.  I don’t want to let her down.

 

I was very glad to get home and crawl into bed beside her for the first time in more than a week.  She was already asleep, although she woke up enough to say hello and welcome me home.  It was kind of strange, not snuggling up with her on dialysis!  But it was lovely.  Just being the big spoon, holding her close, kissing her shoulder just where she likes it, listening to her drifting back off to sleep.  I want to do this with her forever.

 

Carla

 

25^th February 2025

9:41pm

 

I’m still feeling very drained, physically and emotionally.  But I’ve had a really nice day, just me and Lisa tucked up on the sofa together.  We started watching The L Word.  Oh my goodness!  How did that show get on TV?!  It’s so naughty!  I am very much enjoying it.  And very much looking forward to feeling well enough to get back into the saddle with Lisa.

 

Today, was not that day.  Today, I spent laid out on the couch with my head in her lap and she paused the TV every time I fell asleep.  I blame her hair stroking.  It was so soothing.  So comforting.  All I’ve wanted for days is the kind of comfort only she can give me.  And now I can have it every day for the rest of my life.  How lucky am I?

 

Lisa

 

25^th February 2025

21:41

 

Carla and I had a lovely, snuggly day together, mostly watching The L Word, which we’ve been saving until she got home.  She drifted in and out of sleep.  She’s still so tired from everything.  But I just enjoyed having her on my lap, stroking her hair, her tummy… having her close to me again.  Knowing she’s mine and we can live our lives together now.  I know there’s still danger lurking.  Rob is out there somewhere and he has a vendetta against us both but hopefully he’s not stupid enough to be hanging around.  Hopefully that’s it now.  We’re done.  Carla and I can just live happily ever after.

 

Lisa

 

27^th February 2025

12:30

 

I very reluctantly went back to work today.  I’ve loved having the last three days off, just cuddling up to Carla, spending some actual time together.  I mean, we’ve mostly been binge watching The L Word, to be fair.  She’s really into it, although she says her current predicament is now getting her a bit frustrated.  Me too!  But we have all the time in the world for that.  I’m honestly just happy falling asleep with her in my arms at night. Cuddling up to her in front of the TV in the day.  Cooking for her.  Doing jobs around the house.  Talking.  Just being in a relationship with her.  Even when things are stressful, even when I’ve had a tough day, she makes me so happy.

 

We did venture out to Roy’s yesterday.  Carla was very tired afterwards but she was really happy to have ventured out.  She was thrilled to see Roy and Nina and few neighbours.  She swears blind she’ll rest today but I don’t believe her for a second!

 

Betsy’s friend Dylan was sent to the STC today.  He’ll have to serve a few months there.  I feel sorry for him.  As if he’s not already traumatised by what happened to Mason without getting punished for it as well.  I just hope that when he gets out, he’ll be able to put everything behind him.

 

Carla

 

27^th February 2025

4:51pm

 

It was my first day on my own today.  I’ve missed Lisa like mad.  I ended up cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom.  Honestly, I’m going to be in so much trouble (and not the good kind) when she gets home, as I promised I’d behave myself and not do too much.  I deep cleaned all the cupboards and everything.  There wasn’t really much else to clean, to be honest.  Lisa’s been keeping an exceptionally clean house while I’ve been out of action.  The bathroom is absolutely gleaming.  The ensuite, anyway.  We don’t touch the main bathroom, that’s up to Betsy and Ryan but she’s been very strict with them.  The bedroom and lounge are immaculate.  She cleans up perfectly after every meal.  I mean, she ticks every box.

 

Daisy came round to see me today, which I didn’t particularly welcome.  She wanted to reassure me that my money is coming.  I told her I don’t care where it comes from.  I just need it quickly.  I need to pay Betsy back and I need to repay this loan I took out for my darling brother’s kidney.  I do not need to be worrying about Daisy and Jenny’s finances.

 

When I ran out of cleaning, I ventured out to the pub.  It’s only my second outing since I got home.  Lisa and I went to Roy’s yesterday and I found it quite tiring.  She was worried about me going out by myself but I felt like I had to give a go.  I kind of wish I hadn’t bothered.  First I was ambushed by Sally, eager for some kind of temporary promotion at work and then Jenny, trying to talk to me about the money.  All I wanted was a soft drink and to look at some different walls.

 

Carla

 

7^th March 2025

10:32pm

 

I ventured back to work today.  I got up early and got ready before Lisa was even awake.  She wasn’t thrilled with the idea of me going back to the factory but I promised that I would only stay until lunch time and I kept my promise this time.  Unlike all the cleaning and the sneaking off out the other day.  Honestly, if I have to stay at home recovering any longer, I’ll go mad.  And it felt like the right time for me to step up, what with David’s car accident yesterday.  Sarah and everyone are so worried about him, understandably.  I heard that Daisy got caught up in it all too and she’s lost her baby.  I can’t stand the girl but I feel desperately sorry for her.  I know the pain she’s in.  It’s something you never completely recover from.

 

Work was actually fine.  Lisa got ready and walked me to the door, which I found incredibly cute.  I saw Bobby for the first time in a couple of weeks, which I didn’t love.  But he mostly stayed out of my way.  Sally, Sean and Izzy very sweetly welcomed me back.

 

I was just heading home when Betsy showed me a news report of Rob apparently being spotted in Brighton, down on the south coast.  So, imagine my shock when I came back to find the flat had been turned over.  Nothing missing but cash and medication.  Of course it was Rob.  Of course it bloody was.  He’s still around.  He could be watching us.  Waiting for us.

 

I called Lisa immediately and she turned up within minutes.  I know I should have let her take the lead.  She’s a Detective.  But I was just so angry.  I stormed out and started searching for Rob by myself.  All our old haunts.  The places we dragged ourselves up.  I just wanted to face him once and for all.  Luckily, I didn’t find him.  I know it was stupid.  Lisa told me as much afterwards and I’ve promised not to be so impulsive again. I’ve promised that we will all stay safe.  We even stopped Betsy from going to a party tonight so we could all stay safely under the same roof and look after each other.  Although, she got into a strop and stormed off to bed so we actually didn’t see much of her.  She didn’t even bother saying goodnight.

 

To be fair, we did get a little distracted.  Rob had been through everything in the bedroom too.  Made a mess in there.  So we were putting stuff away and that led to chatting and that led to cuddling and that led to kissing and that led to…  Well, I am definitely feeling better, is all I’ll say.

 

Lisa had reported everything by the time I got home.  She helped me tidy everything up.  She’s in this protective mode at the moment and I have to admit that I kind of like it.  She assured me for the millionth time that she’s not about to run a mile, not even because of my crazy brother.  She said she’s just happy that I’m alive and recovering.  Then she promised to look after me, keep me safe.  And I know she means it.  She even went to the pharmacy for me – while in the middle of cooking dinner – to get me replacement medication.  I feel very lucky to have her.  I love the way she loves me.

 

Lisa

 

7^th March 2025

22:32

 

We think Rob broke into the flat.  He turned the whole place over and took what little cash we had and all the painkillers.  I went back out tonight while dinner was cooking to replenish the over the counter stock for Carla and pick up the emergency prescription painkillers we managed to get from the GP before they closed.

 

She was in such a panic when she called me.  I came as quickly as I could.  Then she ran off.  She went looking for Rob by herself.  I was beside myself with worry.  I kept calling her but she ignored me.  All I could do was distract myself by preserving the scene and reporting everything to work.  Then when she calmed down, she came home, apologised, promised not to be so stupid again and helped me clear up.

 

We actually ended up having quite a nice time, clearing up the bedroom!  We didn’t plan it.  One thing led to another and… well, we’ve missed each other.  I promised her I’d look after her and I will.  If I have to put my own life on the line, I will do whatever it takes to protect Carla and keep her safe.  And this isn’t me being reckless and not caring about my life anymore.  I do.  I actually love my life now.  I’m not saying the pain of loss and trauma is gone.  It’s not.  Sometimes I wonder if it ever will be.  But Carla has healed me in a way I hadn’t imagined possible.  This time last year, it took everything I had just to drag myself out of bed.  Now I’m excited for the day ahead because I get to live that day with Carla.  Every day builds on our future, on our happiness together.  But if it was a choice between us, I’d save her every time.

 

It’s such a shame this happened today, not least because Betsy’s in a strop about us not letting her go to a party.  She’s been in her room all night.  She was very rude when I called her for dinner and she didn’t even respond when I tried to say goodnight.  Just left me talking to the door.  Charming.

 

But also, Carla ventured back to work today.  Only for a few hours.  But it was a huge step for her.  I was worried about her.  I even walked her there, which I got lots of compliments over.  Apart from being concerned, I was genuinely proud of her.  She pushed herself even when it was really hard and so it was really disappointing that she came back to this.  Betsy saw some news report that Rob had been spotted down in Brighton so she thinks we’re overreacting.  She has no idea what that man is capable and I hope she never finds out.

 

Lisa

 

8^th March 2025

22:03

 

We think that Rob might have followed Betsy today.  She is absolutely terrified.  I’m terrified.  And I feel incredibly guilty.  If I hadn’t been the way I was with him, thinking I could outsmart him, then he wouldn’t have behaved the way he has.  He wouldn’t have this vendetta against me and therefore my child.  But at the same time, I needed him to go through with the transplant.  And he never would have done.  He was making the right noises, pretending, so that he could find the right moment to escape with Mandy.  He never had any intention of donating that kidney.  He never had any intention of helping Carla, of saving her life.  I had to make him go through with it.  I had to.

 

This morning, I made breakfast for Carla.  She was busy looking at holidays we can’t really afford.  She’s desperate to get out of Weatherfield and find some time to relax and enjoy ourselves and I don’t disagree.  She said she’s due to come into some money soon and is hopeful we could at least have a little weekend away somewhere sunny.  We’re meant to go to London and Brighton shortly but it won’t be particularly sunny yet.  A long weekend abroad would be amazing, if we could afford it.  I wonder where the money is coming from?  I didn’t get a chance to ask, as breakfast was ready and I asked her to call Betsy in.

 

That was when everything became stressful, as we realised that Betsy wasn’t home.  She hadn’t been home all night.  We’d thought she was sulking in her room because we’d told her she couldn’t go to River’s party.  Instead, it turned out that she’d sneaked out and gone to the party anyway.  We called her but the phone went straight to voicemail.  Carla knew I was worried.  She did her best to reassure me but my mind immediately went to Rob.

 

She went out to look for her while I called work to get them to keep an eye out.  It wasn’t that long before Carla brought her home, still tipsy from the night before.  And full of attitude.  She was completely unapologetic for worrying us.  And completely dismissive of the Rob situation.  She grabbed her charger and strode out again.

 

But it wasn’t long before Carla brought her home again.  While she was out, she caught sight of Rob, who started following her.  She was terrified and started running.  She ran into Kit and then Carla, absolutely panic stricken.  Carla brought her home and called me.  I came back immediately  and stayed with her for the rest of the day to look after her.  I even sat and watched bloody MAFS to comfort her.  Carla quite likes it but I HATE it!  They fully took advantage of me!

 

Kit assured me that they haven’t spotted Rob anywhere.  Carla is feeling really guilty, I know.  None of this is her fault.  But she says she feels bad for bringing Rob into our lives.  I also know she is worried about him, the state he must be in.  I told her today that it’s okay to worry about him; he is still her brother, regardless of anything else.  She insists that she is just worried about what he is capable of. 

 

I know she doesn’t want me to hear her empathising with him.  She hasn’t gone into a lot of detail about what she and Rob have been through together but I know they had a rough upbringing.  She told me a little about it over Christmas.  When she worried that I might have looked down on her for where she came from, how she was brought up, how her brother ended up.  I think that kind of thing bonds you for life with a person, no matter how things turn out.  I know she’s always been protective of Rob, always looked out for him.  This whole thing must be breaking her heart, just like it did when he was first arrested for murder.  I know that was complicated too.  He killed the woman who was having an affair with her husband.  The feelings there… they must have been so conflicted. 

 

My Carla has been through such a lot in her life.  More than I probably even know.  My instinct to protect her now is so strong, so powerful.  I never want her to hurt again.

 

Carla

 

8^th March 2025

10:03pm

 

The day started nicely enough.  Lisa made me Shakshuka for breakfast (which I didn’t actually get to eat and I’m gutted about it – I LOVE her Shakshuka)!  I don’t know what I did in life to deserve someone who spoils me like Lisa does but I’m very grateful.  She said she’ll make it for me again tomorrow to make up for what I missed.

 

We didn’t get to eat because we discovered that Betsy hadn’t been sulking last night, she had actually sneaked out to the party we’d told her she wasn’t allowed to go to.  Lisa went straight into panic mode, because of Rob.  I did what I could to reassure her and then went out to look for Betsy myself.  I managed to find her and bring her home.  She was still a bit pissed and completely unapologetic.  To the point that she grabbed her charger and left again.  Lisa was so upset.  I felt so sorry for her.

 

Before that, we had been talking about holidays.  I nearly told her about the pub.  It’s the only thing I haven’t shared with her.  The truth about Jenny and Daisy.  I know I need to tell her.  But I don’t really want to add to her stress.  I don’t want to cause her a conflict at work.  Put more pressure on her shoulders by knowing what happened.  I feel the need to protect her.  Always.  But I also hate keeping things from her.  And she has always said she values honesty.  So, I don’t really know what to do.

 

Anyway, things kicked off later when Betsy ended up in a panic.  I found her with Kit, having run halfway down the Street, thinking that Rob had followed her.  Kit never found him anyway but she was sure it was him.  She’s now absolutely terrified.  I brought her home and called Lisa, who rushed back.  She’s so concerned that she’s even sat through a MAFS marathon and she normally leaves the room when Bets and I sit down to watch that!  She hasn’t even whinged through it.  She’s just sat and cuddled up to us both.  It’s been lovely, actually, although very sad to see Betsy so vulnerable.  We’re both very worried about her.  I hope she feels better, stronger in the morning.

 

Lisa has been lovely with me.  I’ve denied it but she knows I’m worried about Rob.  It feels wrong but I can’t help it.  I feel so guilty for pushing him.  He’s still my little brother and whether he intended to or not, he did save my life.  He’s still the baby boy that I raised because our Mum was absolutely useless.  I’ve always looked after him, not that I did a good job.  Clearly.    And he never used to be like this.  Once upon a time, he was a good person.  A kind man.  Lisa said that prison changed people.  She was so kind to me; gave me permission to worry about him.  I said I was just worried about what he’s capable of and feel guilty for dragging her and Betsy into everything.  But she knew.  She always knows.

 

Next time... Carla is called to identify a body, Betsy struggles with anxiety and Carla spots Mandy at the hospital...

Chapter 38: Isolated

Notes:

Thank you to anyone and everyone who is reading this. I have lost track with replying to comments individually - got myself into a bit of a muddle so I've given up and will just reply from here onwards! Please know I appreciate you and am so grateful, especially to everyone reading this one, as I know it's not as popular as my other stories. Thank you especially if you take the time to leave comments. It means the world. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Carla

 

12^th March 2025

6:45pm

 

I’ve told Lisa that the money I’m expecting to come in is from money I lent to Jenny and Daisy a while ago.  It’s a half truth.  I’ve said I don’t want to pressure them because of what’s happened to Daisy, losing the baby and everything.  Also a half truth.  I don’t want to harass Daisy right now.  I know what she’s going through and I do feel sorry for her.  I still can’t stand her but I do empathise.  I’ve been there.  I know how much it hurts.  But I also don’t want Lisa to have a conversation with her or Jenny about the money because I haven’t yet told her the full truth about it all.  I don’t really know why I’m hesitating.  Probably because I don’t know how she’ll respond.  I don’t want her to charge in as DS Swain and arrest them, which she could do.  I guess I’m still trying to protect them for some stupid reason.

 

Still, I had bigger problems today.  Lisa got a call this morning to say that a body had been found and they thought it could be Rob.  She sat me down and told me as gently as she could.  She was so lovely and I… completely pushed her away.  I just felt so guilty for dragging her into my mess.  The way Rob assaulted her.  The way Betsy got shot.  All of it.  So much pain for them both and essentially, it’s all my fault.  He’s by brother.  It’s my kidney failure.  And they’re the ones who got hurt.  It’s not right.  It’s not fair.  And so, I ended up pushing Lisa away, just when I needed her the most.

 

She texted me pretty much all day and I just kept ignoring her or giving her one word responses.  I know I was being out of order.  Then I got the call, as she had warned me, to ID the body.  I went to the morgue and Lisa met me there, uninvited.  Of course she did.  She was so lovely.  She gave me a hug and even offered to come in with me.  I told her I could do it by myself.  She promised to wait outside for me.

 

It wasn’t Rob.  I don’t know if I was relieved or not.  I ran out and straight into Lisa’s arms.  She always knows exactly what to say and do.  She’s just so perfect.  So supportive.  So kind.  So loving.

 

We went home together and I know she was stressed.  So I was able to comfort her.  She wondered why she was getting the hugs after what I’d been through today.  But that’s why we work so well together, isn’t it? Because we comfort each other, take turns, look after each other.  And I honestly think that’s beautiful.

 

I’m currently in the bedroom.  Kit has come round to speak to Lisa, presumably about Rob.  I don’t know if she’ll let me in on anything that’s been said or not.  She’s being surprisingly open with me about the case.  Normally, she’s very much an ‘I can’t say’ person when it comes to work but with this Rob thing, she has been very open.  I’ve really appreciated it.  Really appreciated the trust. 

 

Lisa

 

12^th March 2025

20:40

 

It’s been another tough day.  I got a call early this morning to say that a body had been recovered and they suspected it could be Rob.  I had to break the news to Carla and she just… shut down.  She completely shut me out.  Went off to work and barely spoke me all day.  She didn’t even contact me when she got the call to ID the body.  But I knew so I met her there and thankfully, she was grateful that I turned up.  She held me so tightly before she went in so I’m glad I barged in and made her accept my support, even though she didn’t seem to want me to start with.

 

She went in by herself.  She rushed out again pretty quickly, practically in tears.  It wasn’t him.  She flung herself into my arms and I held her like our lives depended on it.  Sometimes, it feels like they do.

 

I’m trying to stay strong for her.  I know she’s struggling.  Betsy is struggling too.  I came home at lunch time with flowers for Carla (she loved them, when she came home to them this evening).  Betsy was at home when I brought them back.  She told me she hadn’t felt comfortable going out by herself and felt like she needed some time.  I feel awful that she hasn’t felt like she could tell me she was struggling that much.  It’s been days since the incident with Rob.  Has she not left the flat since it happened?  Have I been so caught up that I haven’t realised?  I feel like a terrible Mum.

 

She’s upset that Rob wasn’t the body.  It would have been a lot easier if it had been, although it would have been devastating for Carla.  Regardless of what he’s done, he’s still her brother.  She would also have felt responsible, after what happened.  And she doesn’t need that on her conscience.  It wasn’t her fault.  None of it.  She did nothing wrong.  I truly believe that.

 

She saw that I was stressed tonight.  She pulled me into her arms, even though I should have been the one comforting her.  We were interrupted by Kit visiting and she very politely gave us some privacy.  Kit updated me on a robbery we’ve been looking at in Liverpool.  The assailant demanded antibiotics and nothing else.  It was a very strange robbery.  It makes me lean towards it being Rob.

 

I am feeling a lot of pressure right now.  To find him.  Bring him in.  Betsy is bordering on angry with me, that he’s out there, running wild.  Thinks I’m failing by not having brought him in yet.  I think she’s right.

 

Carla

 

15^th March 2025

9:40am

 

Betsy is still very fragile.  Lisa and I are both very worried.  She’s refusing to go to college and for once, I don’t think she’s swinging the lead.  She’s not seeing her mates or being sarcastic or anything.  She’s just hiding in the flat and seems to be very vulnerable.  And it makes me feel like shit because it’s my brother who’s done this to her, to us.  I feel so guilty.

 

On the plus side, things between Lisa and I are going from strength to strength.  We had a fantastic night together last night.  Like, amazing.  It felt like we were back like we were before Christmas.  She left me absolutely breathless.  Honestly, before I met Lisa, I didn’t know it was possible to have so many orgasms one after the other.  And I absolutely LOVE watching her fall apart underneath my touch.  It’s beautiful.

 

Afterwards… we were cuddling.  Kissing.  Talking.  We ended up coming back round to the conversation we’d had before Christmas… about sex toys.  And we ended up ordering one.  Just ordering it was a turn on.  To the point that we ended up having sex again!  I was a bit nervous about it all.  Like, I wanted to make sure she knew I didn’t feel I was missing anything.  I don’t need… that.  But also, the idea of her penetrating me like that… yeah.  I like that idea.  And the idea of being able to return it.  I mean, I’ve never done something like that before.  I’m excited by it.  I’m a bit nervous in case I can’t do it.  But I really want to try.  I want to give her pleasure in as many ways as I can.

 

Lisa

 

15^th March 2025

13:08

 

Carla and I had an incredible night last night.  We ended up circling back to our previous conversation about sex toys and we’ve ordered a strap on, which should be arriving in the next few days.  I’m excited!  I think she is too, although she has been keen to make it clear that she doesn’t feel like she’s missing anything.  It was nice that she said that.  There’s a small part of me that worries.  She’s been with men all her life and this is a bit change for her.  But I think we have a good, active sex life.  She’s either a really good actress or she seems to enjoy what we have, what we do.  I seem to fulfil her.  I hope I fulfil her.

 

I think venturing into strap ops and things can only be another string to our bow.  Another source of pleasure – for both of us.  She said she was as keen to give as to receive, which will be nice.  Becky was always a bit of a pillow princess when it came to that sort of thing.  And from what I know of Carla so far, she is definitely an active participant in bed and I very much appreciate that about her.  She always leaves me very satisfied.  Not that making her come doesn’t satisfy me in itself.  I love making her come.  It’s one of my favourite things on earth.  And now we’ll have a new way to do it.

 

Lisa

 

18^th March 2025

10:30

 

Carla and I almost had a falling out yesterday.  Almost.  It is very hard to fall out with that woman, as it turns out.

 

So, ever since last week, when Rob followed her, Betsy has barely left the house.  I’m not sure she’s left the house at all, actually.  I’m really starting to get worried.  She just keeps staying she’s not feeling well or not feeling up to it.

 

Carla offered to stay home with her to keep her company, as she could work from home.  I was really grateful because I really couldn’t work from home today.    But then, a bit later, I got a panicked phone call from Bets, saying she thought someone was breaking into the flat.  It was actually someone delivering our ‘special parcel’.

 

I was really confused as to why Carla wasn’t at home with her.  Why Betsy was in a heap on the floor, by herself, absolutely terrified.  She told me that Carla had had to go into work because there had been some problem the staff hadn’t been able to deal with.  I wasn’t terribly impressed.

 

I worked from home for the rest of the day.  Thankfully the parcel had been left at Streetcars.  Betsy was very clingy and fragile, although she eventually went to her room for a lie down.  Carla came home, ranting about her day and eventually realised I was annoyed with her for leaving Betsy.  I told her what had happened.  And I really tried to stay angry but then she cuddled me and kissed me and I gave in.  I was always going to give in, wasn’t I?  I mean, it’s Carla.

 

I said the only thing that’s going help Betsy is finding Rob.  She said that that’s my department and she’s right but that doesn’t relieve any of the pressure I’m feeling.  The one thing that did relieve the pressure was what we got up to after dinner.  Oh, wow, did we relieve the pressure!

 

So, after dinner, I told her our parcel had arrived…  Her eyes lit up and she practically dragged me into the bedroom where we pretty much spent the whole evening.  And it was amazing!  We had quite the… creative… detailed… evening.  Yeah, it was quite special.  I thought we were going to wear the thing out!  It was definitely worth waiting for!

 

We were a bit shy to start with.  I guess you are when something’s new.  But it didn’t take long to get into it.  I loved being able to try new things with her.  I think my favourite was taking her from behind, while she was bent over the bed.  Yeah, that was pretty hot.  And she was keen to try it on too.  She was nervous, having never done that before but she had quite the skill.  It was amazing.  She was amazing.  It’s not something I’ve done very often, not where I’ve been in receipt.  It felt amazing.  She always knows how to make me feel good.

 

Carla

 

18^th March 2025

1:45pm

 

I’m working from home and keeping an eye on Betsy, hopefully a bit more successfully than I did yesterday.  I think Lisa was a bit pissed off with me yesterday because I said I’d keep an eye on her and I ended up having to go into work because a client came in, unhappy with an order.  Then the buzzer went with a parcel (our strap on) and Betsy panicked and had to call Lisa because she thought someone was breaking in.  Lisa had to come back and work from home and by the time I got back, she wasn’t very happy with me.  She didn’t stay mad with me for long but she started off a bit cranky.

 

We did have an exceptional night together though, I must say!  We made exceptional use of our new sex toy!  We were at it almost all night – different positions, taking it in turns to wear it.  For all my worries, it turns out I’m not half bad at making a woman orgasm through that kind of penetration.  Go me!  My favourite moment was when I was on my back and she was riding me, her boobs bouncing around.  Oh my goodness.  I don’t think she’s ever looked hotter.  I came just watching her.  I could easily come just watching her though.  She’s so gorgeous.  But watching her, riding me… that’s something else.

 

So, all in all, I would say last night was a success.  I am very pleased to add ‘dildo’ to our repertoire.  I made sure she knew I didn’t feel we were missing anything and she assured me she knew that.  But adding more ways to please each other can only be a good thing, can’t it?  And she really, really pleases me. 

 

The things that woman can do in bed is insane.  Like, actually crazy.  It’s not like I’m not experienced in the bedroom department.  Some might say I’ve got more experience than I ought to have.  I’ve certainly made a few missteps over the years and added a few extra notches than I wish I had.  But when I’m with Lisa, I wonder what the hell I was doing for all that time because none of it compares to what it’s like with her.  Not even the really good sex I thought I’d had.  None of it is as sensual, as loving, as orgasmic, as detailed and none of it has ever lasted as long, that’s for sure.  Lisa is just… a revelation.  I never want this to end.

 

Carla

 

23^rd March 2025

2pm

 

I’m upset with Lisa.  She completely ignored me today and what I felt we should do.  I know reasonably she’s right and I’m sulking over nothing.  But it’s not nothing.  It’s important.  It’s Rob.  My brother.  He could be going to ground because she didn’t listen to me.  But she’s the cop.  She’s the one with experience and she’s the one who gets to make the calls.  And it just doesn’t feel very fair.

 

It all started this morning.  Betsy said she was feeling brighter so after a bit of flirting in the kitchen, Lisa and I went off to work.  We’ve been doing a lot of flirting recently and having a lot of sex.  That dildo is flipping revelation!  We’ve hardly been getting through the door before we’ve been dragging each other into the bedroom for a (not so) quickie.  We’ve been getting up to all sorts!  Catching up on lost time, I suppose.  She had me in handcuffs last night.  Now, that was fun!  Yeah, I enjoyed that.  I was handcuffed to the headboard and she tortured me for ages.  I was on my last nerve before I finally begged her to have mercy on me.  She seemed to like me begging.  Gave me everything I wanted and more.  Multiple orgasms, one after the other.  We were both exhausted.  We’ve been falling asleep on top of each other, not even having time to get into pyjamas or anything, pretty much just passing out.  It’s been absolutely delicious.  I love the weight of her on me.  The feel of her in my arms.  It’s like that’s where she belongs.  It is where she belongs.

 

So, on my way to work, I stopped at the café and got chatting to Roy.  He was going to the hospital to see Lauren so I decided to be late and give him a lift.  While I was dropping him there, I spotted Mandy, significantly more pregnant than the last time I saw her.  I called Lisa immediately and she rushed over to the hospital where we sat on a bit of a stakeout.  Roy didn’t stay, as he had to get back to the café.  It was probably a good thing, to be honest.  I think he was irritating Lisa a bit, although she was being very patient.  They do get on very well but when she’s in DS Swain mode (the work kind, not the sexy kind), she isn’t the softest.  Not unless she’s dealing with a victim.  Then she’s very gentle.  I’ve seen it.  I’ve been it.  But when she’s in full on DS Swain mode and someone is niggling her, she can be quite snippy.  I’ve seen that too!  And Roy was definitely at risk in the car!

 

When Mandy did leave the hospital though, I wanted us to follow her, hoping she would lead us to Rob. However, she said she had to arrest her and call it in, play things by the book.  I was upset with her.  I felt like it was a betrayal and she knew it.  She apologised and reassured me that she would be carrying out the interview herself.  It hasn’t appeased me.  I’m still pissed off.  Still hurt.  I do understand why she’s done it.  But I still wanted her to listen to me.  Take me opinion seriously.

 

We’ve not spoken since.  I guess she’s been busy interviewing Mandy.  We’ll talk when she gets in.  I’ve busied myself with work.  Well, she’d better have some tricks up her sleeve tonight if she’s going to make things up to me, that’s for sure!  I want to be swinging from the chandeliers, not that I’ve actually got any!

 

Lisa

 

23^rd March 2025

17:00

 

Carla is annoyed with me.  I know she is because of the look on her face when I left her this afternoon and also, she hasn’t been in touch all day.  She always messages me through the day, even just silly little one liners saying she misses me or that she’s looking forward to seeing me later.  I feel really disappointed.  Things have been going so well between us recently.  After everything we’ve been through with her kidney failure, our sex life is well and truly alive again.  I had her in handcuffs last night, teasing her to the point she begged me for release.  And that nearly made me come.  Then I absolutely devoured her.  I made her orgasm over and over until we both passed out on top of each other.  I did set her free first though.  And I remembered to take my cuffs to work this time.

 

And we were still flirting this morning before work.  We’re constantly flirting at the moment.  We can’t seem to help it.  I just love being around her so much.  And now I’ve upset her and I wish she understood that I had to do my job.  I had to do things by the book.  I already got into trouble when Rob escaped.  I narrowly avoided some serious consequences.  If Carla and I went off all Cagney and Lacey, chasing Mandy down, I would have been hauled up in front of my bosses so fast.  And I would also risk losing the one chance we had of catching Rob.  And we need to catch Rob.  But Carla doesn’t understand that.  She thinks I ignored her opinion.  Dismissed her.  Overruled her.  She doesn’t understand the pressure I’m under to catch him.  From work.  From her.  From Betsy. 

 

It all started this morning.  Before she went to work, she took Roy to the hospital to visit Lauren, which is where she spotted Mandy.  She was a lot more pregnant and had gone to the maternity unit because she was concerned about the baby.  She’s been struggling, hiding out and doing all of this by herself.  Despite everything, I genuinely feel for her, in the position she’s in.  And the situation she’s about to go into.  She’s going to prison and an ex-screw.  Pregnant by a con.  She’ll not get to keep her baby, not for long anyway.  At best, she’ll be kept in isolation.  At worst, she won’t.  She’s lost the man she loves either way – because he’s abandoned her, because he isn’t the man she thought he was.  She has a horrific few years ahead of her.  And one day, she’ll have to explain all of it to her child.  To Carla’s niece or nephew.

 

She called me as soon as she saw her.  She and Roy kept a look out and I rushed over there.  The three of us looked out for her together until Roy had to head back to the café.  Thankfully.  I like Roy a lot.  I’m exceptionally fond of him.  I owe him a lot.  He was fundamental in Carla and I getting together.  He was also very gracious in bearing me no ill will for his arrest and incarceration, which he could have.  And if he had done, then it could have cause a real problem in mine and Carla’s relationship.  She wouldn’t have even considered dating me if Roy hadn’t approved.  No matter how she felt.  If Roy had objected, it would have been a ‘no’.  So, I am grateful.  But today, I needed to focus and he was being very irritating.  So, I was very glad when he had to go.

 

It was when we spotted Mandy that Carla and I fell out.  She wanted to follow her.  I knew I had to call it in and I was the one who had to make the call.  I have apologised.  I have assured her that I’d be leading the interview.  But she wasn’t happy with me and she’s ignored all my messages since we parted and I don’t really know what to do now.  I just feel… gutted.  I hated not being on the same page as her, even if we haven’t argued exactly.  It just doesn’t feel comfortable.  It’s not the happy place we’ve been in.  Certainly not the place we were in last night!

 

So, I have interviewed Mandy.  It took a while to get her talking but I could tell she desperately wanted to and she cracked eventually.  I talked to her about Becky’s pregnancy.  About the night that I’d been out for a works’ do and had a drink so when she’d had pains and had to go to the hospital, she’d had to get herself there in a cab and I’d felt so awful, I stopped drinking for the whole rest of her pregnancy.

 

I still remember the moment I got that panicked phone call from Becky now.  I hadn’t wanted to go out.  I never did works’ drinks normally.  Not without her.  I’ve never been the sociable one.  But she pushed me.   Encouraged me.  Said it was going to be one of the last times.  Insisted she was fine.  Then I got the call and I panicked.  I could barely call a cab; I was so stressed.  Rushed to the hospital to meet her there.  Everything was fine.  But I really didn’t drink for the whole rest of the pregnancy.  Or for a long while after Betsy was born, especially as she was prem and we were practically living at the hospital for a bit.  I wanted to drink.  I struggled to cope at first.  Being a Mum.  Early.  To someone so fragile, so tiny.  But I pulled it together.  Pulled myself together and it might not always have been good enough but I have always tried my best.

 

As for Mandy, she confessed that she saw Rob last Friday.  He came to her flat and she let him stay the night but she hasn’t seen him since.  However, he took a gun with him.  Fucking brilliant.  Now, he’s out there, armed and dangerous and it’s all my fault.  Carla denies it but it’s all my fault.  All of it.  Setting him up.  Pissing him off.  Not realising he was still alive after he fell.  It’s just been one fuck up after another.  I mean, what’s he staying around for if not to hurt one of us?  He’s already followed Betsy.  Broken into the flat.  If he was planning to leave then he’d be long gone by now.  I know we’re in danger.  I’m terrified.  And now I’m terrified that something might happen with Carla mad at me.  It’s always my biggest fear, after what happened with Becky.

 

I need to go home.  I need to go home and sort things out.

 

Next time... Betsy catches Carla and Lisa out, Lisa learns more about Carla's upbringing and Rob takes both women hostage...

Chapter 39: Hostage

Lisa

 

24^th March 2025

12:34

 

We made up.

 

I came home with flowers and chocolates only to find she’d also bought flowers and ordered takeaway from Speed Daal, which is my absolute favourite.  As soon as we saw each other, we fell into each other’s arms and both apologised and the relief that flooded me was overwhelming.  She said I didn’t need to apologise, that she understood I was doing my job.  That she was proud of me for doing my job and being so good at it.  I told her more than I should have done about the interview.  That we’d charged and held Mandy.  I told her about the gun and made her swear not to say a word to anyone else.  Then we called Betsy for dinner.  She ate but didn’t stay.  Said she was tired and felt like she was gatecrashing a date because of the flowers, chocolates and ‘googly eyes’ we were looking at each other with.  We denied the last one but she said we’re always doing it, apparently.  I mean, we do flirt a lot, so she might have a point.

 

We cuddled up on the sofa in front of the TV and scoffed the chocolates.  I bought her favourites.  I didn’t want to pinch them from her because they were a gift so she just started feeding them to me instead.  And that led to me kissing her fingers.  Then her lips.  And well, one thing led to another and Betsy ended up coming out for a glass of water to find us half undressed on the sofa.  She was not impressed.  I can honestly say that there is very little more mortifying than having your teenage daughter walk in on you while your girlfriend is straddling your lap with her hand inside your bra, tongue in your mouth.  Yeah.  That was the scene.  She grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge in silence and hurried back to her room.  We collected ourselves and went to our room to carry on the evening!  It could have been worse.  She could have come out later.  Or not at all and then Ryan could have come home!

 

We were still talking about Rob this morning.  Carla was feeling fretful about the gun.  I had to hush her in case Betsy overheard, which she told me off for!  Carla is shocked that a prison officer could be so bent.  For someone with so much life experience, she can be adorably naïve sometimes.  It’s very cute.

 

I’m working from home this morning (and writing in here).  There’s been a team at Mandy’s flat since this morning, going through absolutely everything, in the hope we might get some kind of idea of Rob’s whereabouts.  I am trying to be as positive as I can for Carla, as certain as I can that we’ll find him.  I hope to God that we’ll find him.  Before he doesn’t any more damage.  Before anything happens to him.

 

Carla

 

24^th March 2025

12:35pm

 

I’m at work but I’m struggling to concentrate.  When Lisa came home last night, she told me that in the interview with Mandy, she told her that Rob took a gun from her last week.  So now, my brother is out there, armed and desperate.  I feel very worried about him.  About what he might to do someone.  About what he might do to himself.  We talked about it again this morning and the cheeky thing ‘sshh’d’ me!  In my own flat!  I scolded her for it.  She did apologise.  I know she only did it because she was worried about Betsy overhearing.  But I might have to show her who’s boss tonight!

 

As for last night… well, we sorted out differences out in about ten seconds.  We were obviously both feeling bad.  I’d bought her flowers and ordered her favourite takeaway, which was waiting for her when she got home.  She came home with flowers and chocolates.  We both apologised, even though she didn’t really need to.  She was just doing her job.  And doing it well.  And I told her so.

 

We had our curry with Betsy, who didn’t stay.  She went to her room pretty quickly, saying she felt like we were on a date with all the flowers and everything,  Lisa and I ended up on the sofa in front of the TV with the chocolates.  Well, one thing led to another, as it quite often does.  Unfortunately, we’d got a bit carried away when Betsy came out to get a drink.  I mean, it could have been worse.  My hand was inside Lisa’s bra at the time and I was about three seconds away from setting her breasts free so I could play with them so at least she came out of her room when she did.  At least no real nudity occurred!  I mean, technically, she saw me playing with Lisa’s nipple but she didn’t actually see it.  A few seconds later and she would have seen it in my mouth and my hand down her trousers.  That’s definitely where I was heading!

 

Well, we took it to the bedroom after that.  It seemed a lot more polite.  We definitely made up from the afternoon.  Multiple times!  And it was very satisfying.  Well, it’s always satisfying.  Despite everything that’s going on… Lisa just… stops the noise in my head.  And it’s not the sex.  I mean, the sex is amazing.  It’s really amazing.  But it’s more than that.  It’s the intimacy.  It’s the love.  It’s the connection.  The transplant, Rob, the gun, all of the shit that’s going on… just for those moments when I’m in Lisa’s arms (or when we’re between each other’s thighs) everything stops.  I can breathe.  I feel safe.  I feel happy.  Nothing else in the world matters when I’m in bed at night and she’s holding me.  She’s just… everything.  Absolutely everything.

 

Anyway, I’m really not concentrating on work.  I’ve left Lisa working from home so I think I’ll just head back and see her for a bit.

 

Carla

 

24^th March 2025

10:02pm

 

I ended up working from home for the rest of the day, after Lisa and I accidentally freaked Betsy out.  She was right to tell me to be quiet this morning, as when I came home this afternoon, we talked about the gun again, only for Betsy to walk in and overhear us.  Poor Lisa spent ages calming her down.  She was so freaked out that he might have had the gun on him when he followed her.

 

Then she got called into work, so I decided to stay home with Betsy.  She is still feeling very vulnerable and needed a bit of looking after.  I’m not really the mollycoddling type, something that Lisa and I kind of disagree on a bit.  But we’re trying to compromise.  And I am trying to do my part in looking after Betsy and make her feel safe.  It is my brother, after all, that’s made her feel like this.

 

So, I did a bit of work from home AKA, watched several episodes of MAFS with a teenager while Lisa went into work.  Then Lisa came home with pizza, full of the joys, as her colleagues had spotted Rob on CCTV down at the docks from a week or so ago.  There’s footage of him before the ferry leaves but no footage of him afterwards and nobody has had had eyes on him since.  So, they’ve concluded that Rob got on the ferry and he’s left the country.

 

Lisa’s thrilled.  Perhaps a little too thrilled, perhaps like she wants to believe it more than she actually does.  I mean, I’m thrilled.  Obviously.  I’m worried about him as well.  He’s very ill.  I don’t want him to die on some street somewhere like a stray.  Betsy isn’t convinced,  I don’t think.  Then I accidentally gave myself away when I said yes when she asked for a beer.  I mean, it was one time!  Oops.  Oh and Lisa had pineapple on her pizza.  Pineapple.  I mean, I suppose it was inevitable that I was going to discover that she wasn’t actually perfect at some point.  The kebabs were a clue.  But pineapple!  Honestly!

 

We had a whole conversation about pineapple later, about whether I just disliked pineapple or just not on pizza.  I said I liked it but only in context.  Like, in a fruit salad.  She remarked that I was going to say I wouldn’t like pineapple and cheese on a stick next, to which I looked at her completely blankly.  To which she looked at me completely blankly.  She proceeded to talk to me about kids’ parties and swedes and hedgehogs and all other words that aren’t remotely connected and I still don’t really know what she was talking about.  I then had to awkwardly explain that I never had a birthday party until I was an adult and the only pineapples involved were in cocktails.  She looked really sad then, almost guilty.  Like, she’d taken for granted the life she’d had.  I told her not to feel bad.  It wasn’t sad.  It was just factual and I was over it.  She asked if I didn’t go to other kids’ parties.  I said not really because I never had anything to wear or any presents to give to I tried to avoid them, even Michelle’s.  I found it too embarrassing.

 

Then I asked if pineapple and cheese went well together.  Then I joked that I wasn’t sure if I could trust her palette, having just seen her eat a Hawaiian pizza!  She told me off for being cheeky and assured me that everyone loved cheese and pineapple.  So, maybe I should give it a go sometime.  Figure out this hedgehog thing.  Throw myself a belated 50^th, kids’ themed!

 

As for tonight, I am just glad we’ve all been able to put our minds at rest a little.  I hope we’ll all be able to sleep a little easier tonight, knowing Rob is further away and not hanging around anymore.  Hopefully he’ll go off and live his life and no harm to anyone else again, especially not my family.  I’ve fought hard to be this happy with my girls.  I’m not prepared to have my brother destroy everything I’ve built.  I’d lay my life down for my girls and that’s the truth.  They’re my world.

 

Lisa

 

24^th March 2025

22:02

 

It looks like Rob has skipped the country.  I am SO relieved.  It feels like a weight has lifted from me and I can finally breathe again.  At least I can breathe a little easier again anyway.

 

I was working from home when Carla came back.  We were talking about Rob and the gun, only for Betsy to overhear.  I had to talk her down and I felt so guilty for freaking her out even more than she already was.  I know Carla felt guilty too.  She even stayed at home to work when I got called into the station.  I gather she did less work and more MAFS watching for the afternoon though!

 

My afternoon was quite productive though.  My colleagues had uncovered CCTV footage of Rob at the ferry port from about ten days ago.  Rob is clearly there but after the boat leaves, there’s no further footage.  So, we’ve concluded that he must have got on the boat.  He must have left.  Obviously, we’re not going to stop investigating.  More needs to be done to track him down.  But for now, I am genuinely hopeful that he is gone.  And that he will stay gone.  That me and my girls are safe.

 

I brought home a celebratory pizza.  Only to discover that Carla doesn’t like Hawaiian!  Who doesn’t like Hawaiian?!  Honestly!  She was so cute though.  She kept taking the pineapple off and putting it on my slices so I could have more.  Honestly, I love her so much.  I do think she’s let Betsy have the odd beer in the past when I’ve been out though!  They definitely gave themselves away today.

 

Carla and I had an interesting, albeit, sad discussion this evening.  About pineapple, of all things.  I was asking if it was a pizza thing or she just didn’t like pineapple.  It’s a pizza thing, apparently.  But then we talked about the cheese and pineapple thing you get at kids’ parties and she just stared at me so blankly.  She had no idea what I was talking about.  I felt so bad.  Sometimes I forget she didn’t have the same upbringing as other kids.  She’s so put together, so well off, so successful.  It’s hard to imagine sometimes, where she came from.  I can hardly picture it.  The girl she must have been.  Compared with the woman she is now.  She said she never had a birthday party until she was an adult.  And she avoided other kids’ parties because she had nothing to wear and couldn’t avoid gifts.  She was even too embarrassed to go to Michelle’s parties so always made excuses. 

 

My heart breaks for her.  I wish we’d known each other then.  Maybe I could have helped her.  We had plenty of space, enough money.  Maybe we could have taken her in.  Helped her.  Given her a birthday party with cheese and pineapple.  Looked after her.  Then… I mean, who knows what kind of life we could have had together…

 

Anyway, I’m going to go to the shops tomorrow and get everything for cheese and pineapple tomorrow.  I’m going to get party rings and Hula Hoops and all kinds of silly things.  Hopefully it will make her smile anyway.

 

Lisa

 

26^th March 2025

02:45

 

I didn’t do the cheese and pineapple.

 

I am currently sat in the hospital waiting room with Carla.  Betsy has been shot.  I shot Betsy.  She’s in surgery.  I haven’t been able to tell anyone yet that it was my finger on the trigger.  Not even Carla.  Especially not Carla.  What will she think of me when she knows that I shot my own daughter?  I could have killed her.  I might still have killed her.  The surgery is taking so long.  Too long.  I’m so fucking scared.

 

It all started yesterday.  We were all feeling a lot better with Rob being abroad, feeling a lot more able to move on with our lives.  Even Betsy was talking about going back to college.  And she agreed to do some work from home for Carla to earn a bit of cash until she was ready to go back to the factory.  She’s been spending a bit of time with Nina recently, who has given her a bit of a boost, which Carla and I have really appreciated.

 

When I popped back at lunch time, I was surprised to find Bobby at the flat and not Carla.  Carla had planned to work from home and Bobby hasn’t been particularly welcome at our place since he betrayed Carla with Rob.  Evidently, Carla had asked him to babysit Betsy for a bit while she was at a meeting and he had jumped at the chance because he’s desperately trying to get back into her good books. 

 

While I was there, Betsy mentioned a weird phone call that Carla had from Tracy Barlow.  She called her from the landline about some business deal.  Mentioned flow charts and things.  Wouldn’t come to her.  Insisted she came round.  Obviously, I know Tracy used to be in a relationship with Rob and once tried to help him escape so my suspicions were immediately raised.  The fact that Carla went round to see her had me worried so I called Carla but no reply.  I sent several messages but she didn’t respond.  So, I finished with Betsy and went round to number one.

 

I knocked and called through the letterbox but I heard nothing.  I was really starting to feel concerned.  The only time Carla has ever ignored me was the other day when she was grumpy with me but we were definitely on good terms that morning.  We’d only had sex a few hours before!

 

When nobody answered, I went round the back of the house.  Tracy suddenly burst out the back door in an absolute panic.  She explained that Rob had been holding her hostage.  That Carla was still in the house.  I sent her off and called it into Kit.  I deliberately didn’t tell him that Carla was the hostage.  I knew I would get into trouble for charging in by myself anyway but especially if my girlfriend was the hostage.  But I couldn’t just wait.  I couldn’t.  For every second that Carla was in there, she was at risk.  She was in danger.  She was scared.  He had a gun.  He could have done anything to her.  I needed to protect her.

 

I let myself in the back door.  Carla panicked when she saw me.  She was scared Rob was going to hurt me.  Rob demanded that I go and sit with Carla, which I did, positioning myself a little in front of her so that if he fired his gun or tried to harm her in some way, I could protect her.  He said I was clingy.  Maybe I am.  I just… love her.

 

Carla talked to him about their childhood.  How they’re both survivors.  Stealing food from tables, hiding drugs from their Mum.  Stuff I knew but it’s still hard to hear your girlfriend talk about.  Rob looked at me like he was expecting to see shock or something on my face, like he thought Carla wouldn’t have shared that part of her life with me.  I’m sure there’s plenty I don’t know.  There’s plenty about my life that she’s doesn’t know.  Yet.  We’ve only been together four months.  We’ve got time.  But we’ve been very honest with each other.  Very open.  Very real.  And I love that about us.

 

She pleaded with him, begged him not to let himself die.  By this point, Kit had gathered armed response and started to negotiate with him.  I think he was starting to lose his mind by this point; the infection was starting to take control.  Either that or he just had no fucks left to give.  Carla told me his plan was to haunt her, force her to watch him die.  So, when Kit called he requested Angel Delight, Carla’s favourite childhood pudding.  He demanded to know mine but my mind went blank.  He settled on fortune cookies.  Then he wanted a helicopter and cash.  He knew he wouldn’t get the last two things.  What he wanted was for the police to storm in and shoot him.

 

He made us sit on the floor.  I kept hold of Carla.  She was shaking,  He told us that he intended to shoot one of us and threaten the other one.  I imagine, based on his torment of Carla, he planned to shoot me.  Threaten her.  Then she would have to live with watching us both die in front of her.  That would have hurt her so much.  And he knew it.  He knows her too well.  My kind, caring, loving, compassionate, beautiful Carla.

 

I took the fortune cookies in.  He demanded I opened one: Stop searching, happiness is close.  The irony of the situation!  Kit called again and that’s when I seized my moment.  But that’s when it all went wrong.  I tackled him and took the gun off him.  It would have been fine if he’d have just left it.  Accepted defeat.  Poor Carla was sat on the floor in shock.  She doesn’t see me at work.  She doesn’t see that side of me.  At home, she can overpower me in a tickle fight.  At work, I can take a gun off a man double my size.

 

Rob pointed out that he didn’t care if I shot him.  In fact, he was quite keen.  He wanted to die.  But he didn’t think I’d want to shoot him in front of Carla.  And he was right.  And it got to me.  He tackled me then.  And I just…  I don’t know what happened.  We scuffled.  A shot rang out.  We all ended up on the floor.  The police charged in.  Rob refused to surrender so Carla tackled him to the ground to stop them shooting him.  Kit arrested him.  I picked Carla up, checked her over, cuddled her, made sure she was okay.

 

Then suddenly, the police were at the back of the property, talking about a casualty.  My heart leapt into my throat.  Carla and I rushed out.  And there she was.  Betsy.  My Betsy.  On the ground.  Bleeding.  Her shoulder.  Barely conscious.  Trying to talk to me.  I felt like I was going to die.

 

I went with her in the ambulance.  Carla was ghostly pale and frightened.  She saw us off and then followed in her car.  Rob had been carted off in another ambulance with a police guard.  I don’t care if he lives or dies.  My baby girl is fighting for her life and it’s his fault.  My fault.  How could I have done this to her?  How will she ever forgive me?  Will she even have the chance to forgive me?  How will I ever forgive myself?

 

Carla has been with me all night.  She’s distraught over what happened.  Traumatised.  I want to be there for her but I’m so worried about Betsy.  We’ve cuddled.  We’ve talked a little.  We’ve cried.  She’s been lovely, actually.  She always is.  She’s put her own trauma aside to look after me.  And I’ll return that as soon as I know Betsy’s okay.  I will.  I just need to know she’s okay.  That she’s alive.  I’m so scared I’m going to lose her.

 

Carla

 

26^th March 2025

2:45am

 

This has been one of the most awful days.  Lisa and I are currently sat in the hospital waiting room.  For once, I’m not the patient.  What I’d give to be the patient.  To swap places with Betsy and for her not to be going through what she’s going through.  To not watch Lisa suffering the way she is.  I know she was upset when I was ill but it’s nothing compared to the anguish of knowing her daughter’s in surgery.  She’s already lost her wife, the love of her life.  It would be too cruel to lose her daughter as well.  Too cruel.

 

Yesterday started like any other day.  It started quite nicely, actually.  Lisa and I stayed in bed a bit longer.  We were both so elated that Rob had fled the country so we got a bit carried away both the night before and in the morning.  Lisa had to go to work and I had back to back meetings so I couldn’t stay home with Betsy.  She said she’d be fine but I asked Bobby to go and hang out with her at home.  It was a gesture on my part.  He’s been looking so maudlin at work every time I see him.  I know he’s sorry for what he did and I feel a bit too old these days to hold a grudge.  I still feel very hut by his betrayal.  I’m not about to ask him to move back in (not that there’s any room) but perhaps we could try and become tentative friends again.

 

I did pop back home between meetings and Bobby was being very good with Bets.  He was about to make her some lunch and she seemed to be feeling a bit more positive.  She even mentioned wanting to go back to college.  Even thinking about that breaks my heart.  Thinking about her sat on the sofa, accepting the hemming job I gave her, talking about college, being all cheeky.  She has been spending time with Nina recently and says she wants to be more like her.  More fearless.  More confident.  Braver.  Nina is a good person and I’m very fond of her.  She has a good head on her shoulders and a kind heart.  She’ll be a good influence on her. 

 

I felt so proud of her when she was sat on the sofa, feeling positing for the first time in so long.  And now she’s in surgery, fighting for her life.

 

I was just leaving when the phone rang.  It was Tracy, which was weird in itself.  We’re far from friends.  She never calls me.  And she certainly never calls me from the landline.  I mean, who does?!  She started prattling on about a business deal and flow charts and some shit.  But she refused to come to the factory.  She insisted I went over to the house.

 

I knew something was up.  I suspected it was something to do with Rob.  I’d even asked her the other day if she’d heard from him, which she denied.  Stupidly, I went round.  I should have called Lisa.  I wish I’d called Lisa.  Maybe all of this could have been avoided.  Maybe all of this is my fault.  I didn’t know he was going to be there.  I thought she’d heard from him and he had a message for me or something.  Lisa said he’d left the country.  I wasn’t expecting to go inside and find him there, half dead and holding a gun.  I wasn’t expecting him to hold Tracy and I hostage.

 

He forced me to eat some disgusting out of date tinned spaghetti while he told me his grand plan was for me to suffer by watching him die.  I pointed out the flaw – as soon as he passed out, Tracy and I would call an ambulance.  Lisa had obviously clocked onto there being a problem, as she kept calling and texting.  When I didn’t reply, she knocked on the door, looking for me.  Betsy must have told her about Tracy’s weird phone call.  The perks of having a Detective girlfriend is that she twigs when something out of ordinary happens.

 

Tracy and I were sat there together on the sofa.  It felt weird being a team with a woman who’s tried to kill me.  But when Rob began struggling more and more with the pain, I ‘remembered’ where Ken kept painkillers in the kitchen and sent Tracy to get them.  I distracted Rob with talk of my real childhood comfort food.  It wasn’t alphabet spaghetti, as he’d thought it was, it was butterscotch Angel Delight.  I used to hide it under my bed so he couldn’t steal it from me.  In that time, Tracy managed to find the back door key in the drawer and legged it.

 

Rob was livid.  He was even more livid when Lisa let herself into the house.  She hadn’t left when we hadn’t answered.  I should have known she wouldn’t let it go.  She’d come round to check the back of the house and run straight into Tracy.  It was one of the very few times that I’ve not been pleased to see her.  I was terrified of her coming to harm.  Rob had already made various remarks about her and I didn’t think he’d have hesitation in hurting her or killing her.  He’d already beaten her up once and the thought of losing her absolutely kills me.

 

He sent her over to sit with me.  It wasn’t lost on me that she sat slightly in front of me.  Protective.  Always protective.  I did my best to talk him down.  We took a walk down memory lane.  He made his stupid, ridiculous requests to the police.  Some of them arrived – namely the silly fortune cookies he wanted.  One of them said: stop searching, happiness is close.  Is it?  Where?  When?  Because right now, we’re all in an incredible amount of pain.

 

Rob made us sit on the floor together.  Lisa continued to hold me close.  Still protective.  He told us he planned for the police to shoot him.  He said he was going to kill one of us and threaten the other, leaving them with no choice but to take him out.

 

Then everything happened in a flash.

 

He answered the phone to Kit.  Lisa sprang up and tackled him, taking the gun out of his hands.  I barely even saw her do it.  She was so quick.  I was stunned.  I’ve never seen her in action like that before.  I mean, I’ve seen her arrest people, like that guy who attacked me at Underworld.  But not disarm a gunman.  That was something else.  She can’t even escape a tickle fight at home.  Or at least, she won’t.  But that’s Lisa, isn’t it?  Always fair.  She wouldn’t use her training to her advantage over me.  Because it’s not fair.  And because she loves playing and having fun the way we do.  Because out in the world, she’s DS Swain and at home, she’s Lisa and there’s a subtle difference between the two.

 

Rob wasn’t as impressed.  He told her he didn’t care if she shot him.  He also didn’t think she would want to kill him in front of me.  She knew it was all true.  And because of that, he managed to tackle her.  And in the struggle, he fired the gun.  We thought it had just fired somewhere into the wall.  None of us had been injured.  Lisa was okay.  She immediately rushed to check on me, cowering on the floor.  The police burst in.  Rob wasn’t going to stand down, still wanting them to take him out so I pushed him to the floor so they wouldn’t shoot him.

 

Kit arrested him.  Lisa checked on me.  She was shaking.  Terrified.  I probably wasn’t any better.  And then more police appeared from the back, saying there was a casualty.  We ran outside and found Betsy.  The bullet had gone through the window.  Shot her in the shoulder.  She was drifting in and out, calling for her Mum.  Lisa was devastated.  She still is. 

 

We’ve been here all night and she’s barely spoken.  Hardly let me comfort her.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m wracked with guilt.  All this pain I’ve brought on them.  My brother did this.  That poor girl in surgery.  Her Mum, my beautiful girlfriend who’s already been through so much, now going through this.  I hate this.  I hate it so much.  I wish I could do something to make it better.

 

I said goodbye to Rob at the ambulance.  I begged him to get help.  I know he can be a better person than this.  I know he can.  But not someone who can be in my life. 

 

Not after all this. 

 

Not after he assaulted Lisa. 

 

Not after he shot Betsy. 

 

He could have taken both my girls away and they mean more to me than anything else in this whole world.  I love them with my soul.  I need them. 

 

Rob was my family once.  It was me and him against the world when we were kids.  But now, Lisa and Betsy are my family.  They’re the ones I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with.  I’ve come so close to losing them and I would do anything to protect them.

 

Next time... Lisa has a confession, Betsy gets bad news and Lisa pushes Carla away...

Chapter 40: Paralysis

Notes:

I'm afraid this is that episode we all hated...

Carla

 

27^th March 2025

2am

 

I think Lisa might have broken up with me.  I don’t even understand what happened, except that she told me everything that’s happened is my fault.  Mine and Rob’s.  And she doesn’t have time to spend on me anymore.  She needs to focus on Betsy.  Now, I’m at home by myself and she’s at the hospital.  I think.  I don’t even know.  She won’t answer my calls or texts.  She’s just ignoring me.  Completely shutting me out.  I feel like my heart is shattered.  I haven’t stopped crying since I got home.  I can’t eat.  I can’t sleep.  I’m not even allowed a glass of bloody wine.

 

I stayed at the hospital all day.  I did everything I could to support Lisa while we waited for news.  She was so tearful all night.  All morning, while we waited.  So full of anguish.  She was so terrified that something had gone wrong because the surgery took so long.

 

Ryan turned up in the morning with breakfast, which was very sweet of him.  Lisa was ungrateful.  Snappy, actually, which was uncalled for but he understood that she was stressed.

 

The surgeon sat us down and told us that the surgery was a success but there were complications.  Betsy had to have a blood transfusion and there could be long term damage.  A life changing injury.

 

Ryan had gone off to find out how Rob was doing.  He’s thoughtful like that.  They’d caught the Sepsis just in time and he’s recovering.  I should feel glad, I guess.  Empathy.  Especially as I know how awful that particular infection is.  But knowing what’s happened to Betsy and now, the knock on effect all this is having on Lisa and on me… I’m struggling to care.  I’m struggling not to feel angry that once again, Rob is sailing on through. He’s ill but he’ll recover and go back to normal.  Fine, he’ll go back to prison.  He’ll get a few years added onto his sentence.  But no life changing injuries.  No risk of losing the love of his life.  No actual consequences for the damage he’s caused.  He leaves those for everyone else.  His victims.  Betsy.  Lisa.  Me.  Even that Mandy woman.  His baby.

 

I found Lisa crying on a bench outside the hospital.  I sat down with her and gave her a cuddle.  She was scared for Betsy and feeling terribly guilty.  She said she was meant to protect her little girl, that people are never the same after that kind of trauma.  Then she admitted that it had been her finger on the trigger when the gun went off, not Rob’s.  She broke down on me then.  I was shocked.  All I could do was hold her, comfort her, reassure her.  Even if she had been the one to fire, it was still an accident.  She didn’t mean to shoot.  She certainly didn’t mean to shoot Betsy.  She shouldn’t blame herself.

 

When we were eventually allowed in to see her, she definitely hadn’t lost her sarcasm but it was so heartbreaking seeing her so small and vulnerable in that hospital bed.  And when she realised she couldn’t feel her arm…  It was awful.  Betsy was terrified and tearful.  I tried to reassure both her and Lisa, whose guilt absolutely crashed down on her.  She said Becky would be turning in her grave.  Then she just shut down.  She kissed Betsy and walked out. 

 

I still don’t know where she went.  But when she came back she was… hollow.  Broken.  Empty.  Completely closed off to me.  I just… couldn’t reach her anymore.  It was like she hated me.  Blamed me.

 

I’d been sat with Betsy for ages.  Helping her drink.  Eat.  Keeping her comfortable.  Keeping her company.  Keeping her calm because her Mum had just walked out on her.

 

When I saw her again outside the room, I left Betsy to go and speak to her.  Betsy was asleep anyway so I felt safe to leave her. 

 

And that’s when she said it to me. 

 

When she blamed me (and Rob) for what happened. 

 

She said she should have trusted her instincts when it came to me.  Even brought up the ABH charge.  I mean, what does that mean?  Does she regret ever getting involved with me?  Does she think I’m a bad person?  Does she honestly think I’ve brought all this on us?  That it’s all down to me?  Because I only agreed to have Rob as my donor because she wanted me to.  And it was her who double crossed Rob, not me.  And I don’t blame her for any of it. 

 

But is she blaming me for pushing him?  Is she judging me for my past?  Are all her real feelings about me coming out now?  All her judgements?  We talked at length about my upbringing over Christmas and she was so reassuring but was she lying?  She’s always been so kind, so loving.  She’s never treated me like this before and I don’t know how to be, how to feel, how to cope with how she’s being now.  It feels so cruel.  I wanted us to be united.  I wanted to look after Betsy together.  I wanted us to be a family. 

 

But… we’re not family, I guess.  They’re family.  And I’m on the outside.  Always on the outside.  Alone.

 

I really thought she was the one.

 

Lisa

 

27^th March 2025

03:56

 

I’m in a hotel near the hospital.  By myself because I’ve pushed Carla away.  I feel absolutely wretched.  That woman has been nothing but devoted.  To me.  To Betsy.  And I was so awful to her.  Cruel.  I sent her away like I didn’t love her anymore.  I could never not love her anymore.

 

She stayed with me all night last night, waiting for Betsy to come out of surgery.  She did everything she could to comfort me and reassure me and I know I didn’t make it easy.  I even snapped at poor Ryan when he very kindly brought breakfast over for us.  I need to apologise for that.  I have a lot to apologise for.

 

Carla was amazing when the surgeon came to give us news.  The surgery went well but Betsy lost a lot of blood and needed a transfusion.  He warned us of a potentially life changing injury and long term damage.

 

I escaped outside for a bit but Carla found me crying on a bench.  She was still trying to be positive.  I finally confessed that it was me who pulled the trigger.  It was me who fired the gun.  It was me who shot my daughter.  And she was absolutely beautiful to me.  If she was shocked, she didn’t show it.  She showed nothing but compassion.  She still blamed Rob.  He brought the gun.  He put us in that position.  She held me and let me cry. 

 

Then I got a call from the Doctor to say that Betsy was awake so we rushed in to see her.

 

She was so bloody loyal all day.  Betsy was so small and vulnerable in her hospital bed.  Carla helped me explain what had happened and laid the blame for the gun shot on Rob, not me.  She helped me find the words when I didn’t have them.  Reassured Betsy that Rob was in custody now and we were all safe.  Betsy told us that she’d come to the house because she was scared for me.

 

Then she realised she couldn’t feel her arm.  She was in tears.  Carla kept trying to be positive while I interrogated the Doctor who admitted it could be permanent.

 

And then I lost it.  I looked at Betsy in her hospital bed, frightened and broken.  And I just couldn’t cope.  I kissed her and I left.

 

I went to visit Rob.  I wanted to see his face one more time and tell him how much I’m looking forward to him going back to prison, to him not getting out until he’s an old man, if he ever gets out at all.  I ranted about Betsy.  I could have hurt him.  He goaded me.  Wanted me to.  But I wasn’t about to come down to his level.  I told him I’d send his love to Carla and thanked him for the kidney.

 

But then, on my way out, he warned me about her.  Said she was bad news.  That it’s not her fault but everyone around her ends up getting burned.  That trouble loves her and she always drags everyone down. He listed us: him, Peter, me.  He said Carla circles the drain while everyone else drowns.  I pretended I wasn’t affected but his words just reverberated in my mind over and over.  Driving me mad. 

 

He warned me to get out before I’m Carla’s next victim so by the time I got back to Betsy, I found myself pushing Carla away.  I was so cruel to her.  She was so hurt and so confused.  I blamed her and Rob for everything that had happened.  I brought up the ABH charged.  I mean, why did I do that?  I told her I should have trusted my instincts.  Basically implied that I should never have got involved with her in the first place.  I said I needed to focus on Betsy, not her.  I completely shut her out.  Pushed her away.  I hurt her.  I know I did.  I can’t stop picturing the look on her face as I left her in the corridor. 

 

I was in tears in Betsy room and looked back at her.  She was facing away from me but I could see what a mess she was.  She didn’t see what a mess I was.  I sat by Betsy’s bedside and watched her leave.  Her head was down.  Her shoulders her slumped.  I did that.  I did that to her.  And I hate myself for it.

 

When Betsy woke up, she asked where Carla had gone.  I said I’d sent her home because she was exhausted.  She seemed to accept it.  I stayed with Betsy until quite late and then I checked myself into a hotel.  I haven’t been able to sleep though.  Carla has called and texted several times.  I haven’t responded.  I’m not angry with her.  I just… I don’t know.  I feel completely and utterly broken.  I feel scared.  I feel so guilty about everything I’ve done wrong.  And there are so many things.

• I fucked up with Rob and Carla got hurt
• If all of that hadn’t happened, she never would have had to push him
• I didn’t check if he was alive or dead properly; I didn’t secure the scene
• If that hadn’t happened, he never would have escaped
• If he hadn’t escaped, he never would have held Carla hostage
• If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have ended up shooting Betsy
• And then I wouldn’t have hurt Carla the way I have by blaming her for everything that was actually my own fault

 

So yeah, it’s really all my fault. 

 

I blamed her for it all tonight but it’s my fault and I hate myself for it.  She’ll probably never want to see me again and I don’t blame her.  Why would she want anything to do with me after putting her through all of that and then treating her like that?  I was lucky to have her in the first place.  Lucky she even looked at me.  And now I’ve gone and thrown it all away.  The one good thing I had in my life.  My one chance to actually be happy.  I had everything.  She was everything. 

 

I finally found someone who made me so happy and I’ve just thrown it all away. 

 

Why am I so stupid? 

 

What’s wrong with me?

 

Next time... Lisa comes home, Betsy learns the truth about the shooting and Carla takes things out on Jenny...

Chapter 41: I Need You

Notes:

And this one covers the episode we all loved! I hope you will enjoy it.

Lisa

 

27^th March 2025

07:30

 

I haven’t slept.  I feel absolutely shocking.  All I could think about all night was Betsy.  And Carla.  I nearly called Carla in the middle of the night.  To apologise.  Beg forgiveness.  Try and explain.  But I can’t.  I don’t have the words.  And I’m so terrified of letting her back in. 

 

How can I look after Betsy and love Carla and stay strong like I need to be? 

 

How can I contain all this fucking guilt and love I’m holding inside me? 

 

And why would Carla even want to love me? 

 

I nearly got her killed.  I shot my own daughter.  I’m hardly a fucking catch, am I?  And she could have anyone.  Anyone in the world.

 

Right, I’ve got to get up and showered.  I need to get to the shop to buy some clothes and some things for Bets.  I don’t have the key to my place on my me and I can’t go home. 

 

Home. 

 

Carla is my home. 

 

Does that make me homeless?

 

Carla

 

27^th March 2025

7:58am

 

I haven’t slept.  All I could think about was Lisa.  And Betsy.

 

Where did Lisa stay last night?  At the hospital with Betsy?  How is Betsy? 

 

I wanted to message her.  Betsy, I mean.  But then I was worried that Lisa would think I was interfering.  Trying to get to her through her kid.  And I wouldn’t have been.  As much as Lisa’s breaking my heart.  I just want to know how Betsy was doing.  But I was worried about it so I didn’t message.  I kept trying Lisa until it felt too late for it to be polite.  She never replied.

 

I just stressed all night.  Where was she?  How was she?  Was she safe?  How was she feeling? 

 

I felt… feel… absolutely bereft without her. 

 

I know she’s hurting and I know this probably is my fault.  Rob is my brother and it was my kidney failure that caused all of this.  And I shouldn’t have gone to Tracy’s, I should have called Lisa for help.  Then maybe none of this would have happened.

 

I just wish she would talk to me.

 

Carla

 

27^th March 2025

11:03am

 

I can breathe again.  Lisa came home and we made up and everything is okay.  She apologised for what she said to me.  She said she’d stayed at a hotel near the hospital and barely slept.  I was desperate and tearful.  I even offered to move out for a bit, give her some space.  I just needed her to feel safe.  To be able to look after herself and Betsy.  I wanted to look after her in whatever way I could.

She said, “I don’t need space.  I need you.”

 

We were both in tears then.  In each other’s arms.  I never wanted to let her go.  We told each other we loved each other.  I made sure she knew I knew that she and Betsy came as a package, that I wasn’t looking to replace Becky but that she is it for me, she is what I want.

 

She made a joke about tantrums and hormonal breakdowns.  But I want it.  I want all of it.  I just don’t want her to push me away again.  I can’t cope with another night like last night.  And I think she understands that.  She said she shouldn’t have blamed me, shouldn’t have lashed out.

 

She told me it’s been her and Betsy against the world.  She feels overwhelmed by guilt because she was meant to protect her and now she’s put her in hospital.  She hasn’t told her the truth yet and she’s scared because when she’s upset, she pushes people away.  She’s scared she’s going to hate her.  I let the irony of her statement sit there for a moment and she caught it.  I mean, like mother like daughter.  Betsy has very definitely learnt the art of pushing people away from Lisa.

 

She might hate Lisa for a little bit.  She’s volatile and she does lash out.  But I promised I’ll be there by Lisa’s side.  And as far as I’m concerned, it’s the three of us against the world now.  If we can get through this, we can get through anything. 

 

We kissed.  Hugged.  I wiped her eyes.  We said I love you.  And I never, ever want to have that feeling again that I’ve lost her or I’m going to lose her.  I cannot bear it.  She means far too much to me.  She’s become my whole world.  My soul mate.  My person.  I’ve never loved like this before.  So deeply.  So completely.  And more importantly, I’ve never been loved like this. 

 

Having it snatched away from me last night hurt so much.  I still feel very shaken by it.  But my heart feels healed now that we’re on even footing again.  Now that I’ve held her in my arms and we’ve reaffirmed our love and commitment.  I love her so much.  I’d do anything for her.

 

She’s gone back to the hospital now.  She’s gone to see Betsy and to tell her what really happened, how she got shot.  I offered to go with her but she said she wanted to face it on her own.  I told her to call me when she was finished and I’d come and meet her.  I hope Betsy surprises her.  I’m so worried about her.  About them both.

 

Lisa

 

27^th March 2025

14:04

 

The good news is that Carla and I have made up.  She’s so kind, so compassionate and has completely forgiven me for being a complete and utter bitch to her yesterday.  Even though she was clearly up crying half the night.  I don’t deserve her.  I deserved her to give me a hard time.  To shout at me.  Yell.  Tell me what a cow I am.  Make me earn her love again.  But she did none of that.  Just welcomed me back with open arms.

 

I went shopping first thing and then went over to the hospital.  I got changed in the toilets and then headed over to see Betsy.  I brought her new pyjamas and one of those jelly cat things she likes in a bid to try and make her feel a bit better.  She seemed to like it.  The nurse helped her get changed and then I was able to spend some time with her. 

 

She wanted to know where Carla was again, having expected her to come with me this morning.  I was vague.  She was sarcastic, accusing me of ‘binning her off’.  I insisted that Betsy was my priority.  She made a remark about my phone pinging all morning, which it had been.  Carla hadn’t stopped texting, begging me to talk to her, let her know how I was, since early.  But it was when Betsy said that Rob would have won if I rejected Carla now that I knew I had to do something; stop letting that bastard get in my head.  She begged me to talk to her.  So, I did.

 

I went home.  Carla was sat at the table, anxious and stressed.  I apologised immediately.  She asked after Betsy and wanted to know where I slept.  I hated watching her so fragile, so tearful, too nervous to even approach me.  I told her that I’d stayed in a hotel, that I’d barely slept.  I wanted her to know that I’d missed her too.  But then she offered to move out, to give me space.  It was so sweet.

 

When I told her I didn’t need space, I needed her, she flung herself into my arms.  We hugged.  We sobbed. She pledged her commitment to me and to Betsy.  She said she doesn’t want to replace Becky but she said this is it for her, I’m what she wants.  I made a joke about tantrums and hormonal breakdowns but she seems willing to take it all on.  I shouldn’t have blamed her.  Shouldn’t have lashed out.  She was so understanding about everything.  So gentle.  So kind.  I am so lucky, so grateful that she is so patient.  I’m not sure everyone would be.

 

I explained that it’s been us two (me and Betsy) against the world and I should have been the one to protect her.  Now she’s in hospital because of me.  And she doesn’t even know what happened yet.  I made a remark about how she pushes people away when she’s upset and I’m worried about her hated me.  Carla silently pointed out the irony.  Again, she was so loving.  She reassured me that even if Betsy hates me for a while, she’ll be there for us both.  She said it’s the three of us against the world now and if we can get through this, we can get through anything.

 

We kissed.  We held each other.  She wiped my eyes.  We said I love you.  I braced myself to go back to the hospital to tell Betsy the truth.  It did not go well.

 

Her first concern was me and Carla.  Despite her attitude and her first response to mine and Carla’s relationship, I think Betsy actually really enjoys the stability of having two parents again.  She likes Carla and she enjoys her love.  She likes the home she provides her with, the way she makes me happy, the fuss she dotes on her.  She’s always buying her little gifts.  She absolutely favours her at work.  They have loads of little inside jokes.  They’re always ganging up on me!  They enjoy the same TV shows.  Carla brings a unity to our family that we’ve been missing for a long time.

 

She still can’t feel anything in her arm.  I tried to be optimistic about it but I’m scared.  I’m scared I’ve damaged my baby for the rest of her life.  This could ruin her whole career plan.  She would struggle to sew and be a fashion designer.  She’s lost all motor function in her left arm/hand.  And her morale is very low.  More so now that I’ve confessed to being the one who actually shot her.

 

I was very tearful.  She listened very carefully without flying off the handle.  I really thought she was going to kick off without even listening to me.  But she listened.  She heard me.  And she was very hurt.  But not because I shot her.  It was an accident.  It could just as easily have been Rob. 

 

What she’s angry with me for is not waiting for armed response.  She says I put my life at risk to be a hero and save Carla without even thinking about her, about her becoming an orphan if it all went wrong.  She said that my job is the most important thing in my life and it was the same for Becky.  She hadn’t cared about the risk for life when she chased down those thieves and then she died. 

 

I don’t think I realised how much anger and fear Betsy is holding about Becky’s death.  That she thinks it was unavoidable.  It cements the fact that she must never know the details.  That Becky and I argued.  That Becky was being investigated for corruption at the time.  If she’s this hurt already.  And her fear for me is so strong. 

 

But I wasn’t even working this time.  This was nothing to do with my job.  I just had to save Carla.  And no, I didn’t think about her.  I didn’t think about anyone.  I just needed to save Carla because I love her and I needed her to be safe.  Was that wrong?  I didn’t think it was but now I’m confused.  Maybe it was.  Maybe I should have waited.  Maybe I was being selfish.  But I was so worried about Carla.  So scared.  I was desperate to save her.

 

Carla

 

27^th March 2025

11:23pm

 

Jenny visited this morning.  I wasn’t in the mood to speak to her.  My head was all full of Lisa.  She offered me £60K towards the money she owes me.  Maybe I should have taken it but I told her to shove it.  I told her I wanted all the money, not dribs and drabs.  That she should take the £60K and used it to get a loan to pay me back entirely.  Sell the pub.  That she was out of time.  Maybe I was harsh.  But I was waiting desperately for Lisa to come home.  I didn’t even know at that point if she would come home.

 

I went to the factory for a bit this afternoon.  I needed to keep busy while Lisa went to the hospital to tell Betsy the truth.  When I came home, I found Lisa crying on the sofa.  I’d been trying to phone her but there was no reply and I was panicking a little in case she’d changed her mind about us again.  But her phone was just on silent from the hospital and she was breaking her heart over Betsy.

 

She told Betsy the truth.  Betsy was angry, not about the shooting but about Lisa being there in the first place.  Lisa has now brought a world of guilt upon herself.  I did all I could to comfort her.  First emotionally.  Then physically.  We ended up making love on the sofa.  It felt good to be with her again.  I know it’s hardly been long but it feels like forever.  I’d convinced myself last night that we’d never be together again.  I was so scared of losing her.  Now that I’ve found her, I can never let her go.

 

Lisa

 

27^th March 2025

23:23

 

Carla came home and found me sobbing on the sofa.  She was beautiful.  She said all the right things.  Comforted me.  Kissed me.  Held me.  Made love to me right there on the sofa.  Took my breath away.  Allowed me to think of nothing but her.  Consumed me.  How could I have ever even considered needing space from this woman?  Ever thought of trying to do this without her?  I need her.  I want her.  Desperately.  She and Betsy… they’re my whole world.  My life.  My heart.

 

Next time... Betsy comes home from the hospital, Dee Dee gives birth and Carla tells Lisa the truth about the pub... 

Chapter 42: Moving On

Lisa

 

28^th March 2025

13:08

 

It’s been a difficult morning.  First I had to sit through a meeting with Costello, to explain what happened with Rob and how I came to fire the gun.  I’m not in trouble but I have had a telling off for going in unarmed to a hostage situation.  He sympathised with my desperation to protect Carla and understood that I at least have experience in negotiating situations like that and I had called for backup.  But I did break protocol and he warned me that that couldn’t happen again.

 

Obviously, we had to discuss the shooting.  I had to explain how I came to pull the trigger and shoot Betsy.  I went through everything.  Embarrassed myself by becoming tearful.  He was surprisingly compassionate.  He said it would have to go on my record as an incident but it wouldn’t affect my work, my job.  It was an intense situation and an accident.  It could easily have been Rob who fired the gun and I was acting in everyone’s best interests.

 

That made me feel better for my next appointment, which was meeting the social worker at the hospital with Carla and Betsy.

 

Betsy was sullen for the whole appointment.  But sullen was better than aggressive, I suppose.

 

I explained things as best I could.  I made it clear how regretful I was.  When the social worker asked how Betsy felt about everything, she was monosyllabic.  She said she knew it was an accident and I hadn’t meant to shoot her.  I hadn’t known she was there.  She seemed happy enough to accept that, which is a relief.  The idea that Betsy could be taken away from me…  I don’t know what I would have done.

 

Carla was wonderful.  The social worker wanted to know everything about us, our home, our family set up and everything and it was the only moment I actually felt confident.  I told her where we lived, that Carla and I were together and Carla plays an active role in Betsy’s home life.  She’s also her boss at work.  We’re a family.  I would have been all set to mention Ryan but Carla told me before the appointment that he’d decided to move out, at least for a while.  I felt incredibly guilty.  I mean, he’s hardly been around over the last few weeks.  The space has been pretty crowded with four of us piling in and Carla recovering from her operation.  But he and Carla love each other so much and I hate the idea that I’m kicking him out of his home.

 

Carla was very reassuring.  She said he’d be round for food and washing and movie nights so often that it would feel like he never left.  But we won’t walk be disturbing him on the sofa every morning.  She and him had an understanding but it’s different when he and I are still getting to know each other.  And then there’s Betsy.  He’s been sofa surfing with mates more and more, trying to give us space and today, he said he’d make things a bit more formal.  He wants to give us space to get back on our feet, as a family.  Get Betsy through this.  And also, some breathing space for me and Carla to be together without extra people, extra coming and going.  I still feel bad.  But I’m grateful too.

 

I’m back at work now.  I’m trying to concentrate but finding it hard.  I just want to go home and curl up in front of the TV in Carla’s arms.  Carla’s arms are my favourite place in the whole world.

 

Carla

 

28^th March 2025

3:15pm

 

Ryan has decided to move out.  Properly.  He’s had a foot out the door for a while now.  I’m really going to miss him but I’m also grateful that he’s giving Lisa and I a chance to heal, be a couple and look after Betsy together.  Hopefully, it won’t be forever – Ryan, I mean.  Although I think we’d have to look at moving if he was to live with us again and that is a bigger conversation.  Sometimes I really have to remind myself that Lisa and I have actually only been together for four months – four months tomorrow, actually.  It feels like we’ve been together forever.  In a good way.

 

I went with Lisa to the meeting with the social worker at the hospital with Betsy this morning.  It went really well and the woman seemed very happy with our home, our family.  Betsy didn’t kick up a fuss and she accepted that the whole thing was a tragic accident, so that’s a relief.

 

I felt quite honoured when Lisa asked me to be there.  And then the way she introduced me to the social worker.  As her partner.  As ‘Betsy’s guardian’.  As ‘an active member of our family’.  I know I’m not Betsy’s Mum.  I’m not her parent.  I’m not anyone’s parent.  I don’t want to replace Becky and nor could I.  But for Lisa to think of me as someone important, not just to her but as part of her family, as part of Betsy’s family… it means more than I could ever tell her.

 

She doesn’t yet know about the miscarriage.  She doesn’t know that I wanted to have a daughter of my own.  Be a Mum.  I told her before that I’d chosen to put my career ahead of having a family.  And I love Simon.  But it was complicated with him to start with.  Peter flitting between me and Leanne and Tina and Toyah and have I missed anyone?  Probably.  The idea of being in a relationship with some like Lisa, who loves me so completely… who I love… to be a sort of Mum…  It’s special.

 

Lisa

 

31^st March 2025

22:31

 

We brought Betsy home from the hospital today.  It was awkward to start with.  She pretty much stropped off straight to her room.  She’s barely spoken to me for days.  Won’t hear any of my apologies.  It’s been awful.

 

Carla has been my rock.  All week.  All day today.  When we couldn’t get Betsy out of her room, she persuaded me to give her some space and took me out for the day.  We went for a really nice walk, which I know isn’t really Carla’s thing but she did it.  For me.  To try and get me out of my head.  We stopped partway for a nice coffee.  A light lunch.  We talked loads.  She makes me feel calm.  Safe.  In a way that nobody else does.  Nobody ever has, actually.

 

On the way back, we picked up a curry and brought it home.  Nina was round, visiting Betsy, which was nice of her.  She really is a nice girl.  I would love them to become proper friends.  She’d be such a good influence on her.  She’s very mature for her age.  Very kind.  Very honest.  And she’s overcome so much in her life.

 

Anyway, I don’t know what she said to Betsy but after she left (we did invite her for dinner but declined), Betsy apologised to Carla for her behaviour and told me she knows I didn’t mean to shoot her.  She even hugged me, which turned into a group hug with Carla.  We had a lovely dinner and a lovely evening together, the three of us.  It felt like it had, before all this Rob stuff, when the three of us had really started to get comfortable and happy together.  We chatted, we laughed, we messed around.  Things actually felt normal again for the first time in so long.  I am so relieved.

 

Oh, in other news, Dee Dee has had her baby.  I gather it was very traumatic.  Dangerous, actually.  She nearly died.  She’s giving the baby up for adoption to her younger brother, James and his boyfriend, who live in the States.  I’ll try and pop in and see her when she’s home from the hospital.  I know we’re not really close friends, exactly but we were for a bit.  During the Lauren and Joel investigations.  I care about her.  I’d like to know if she’s okay.  If there’s anything I can do.

 

Carla

 

31^st March 2025

10:31pm

 

Things are feeling a lot better at home.  We brought Betsy home from the hospital.  She’s been giving Lisa a really rough time.  Snapping at her.  Ignoring her.  Blaming her.  Lisa’s been taking it hard.  Crying herself to sleep at night in my arms.  I’ve been feeling pretty helpless.  Fretting over what to do for her, how to make it better.  But the truth is, I can’t make it better.  Only they can do that for themselves, for each other.

 

When we got back, Betsy went straight to her room and refused to come out.  I knew Lisa would be stressing so I took her out for the day.  We went for a lovely, long walk and yes, I really did write that.  I know, right?!  Lisa has got me into walking.  The countryside.  Exercise.  Bloody parks!  Honestly, if a bloke had even suggested I might like to go walking with no purpose, I would have punched him.  Now, with Lisa, I do it voluntarily!  And it’s not even warm weather yet either.  I just love spending time with her.  Being close to her.  Doing things that make her happy.

 

And today, I needed to distract her.  So, we walked.  Had coffee and lunch.  We walked.  We talked.  We cried a bit.  Laughed quite a lot.  Sneaked in a few kisses.  It was really nice.  Then we grabbed a takeaway on our way back and brought it home.

 

Nina was here when we got back.  We invited her to stay but she said she had to go.  I don’t know what she said to Betsy but the kid was like a different person.  She apologised to me!  I mean, I’d have preferred her to apologise to Lisa.  But she did say she understood that she didn’t mean to shoot her, which is an improvement.  They hugged.  Invited me in.  And we had a really nice evening together.

 

We had takeaway.  Watched some shit TV.  Chatted.  Even had a laugh.  It felt like it used to before my brother fucked everything up.

 

I hate thinking about him.  I’m surprised he hasn’t been in touch.  The last I heard of him was when I saw him into the ambulance.  I thought he might have tried to call me, drag things out a bit more.  But I’ve heard nothing.  And I have no plans to get in touch with him either.  He’s not my family anymore.  Lisa, Betsy and Ryan are my family.  Michelle.  I suppose Bobby is still my family but… things are still difficult between us.  I still feel very hurt by what he’s done.  The way he betrayed me.

 

Carla

 

1^st April 2025

11:43am

 

I’ve just had a really nice chat with Betsy.  Lisa had to go into work so I stayed home for the day to look after her.  Lisa’s already feeling guilty, as she wanted to stay home with Bets for a few days.  She’s desperately trying to negotiate some time off.  But she already took a few days when I was ill, as well as part time hours for the weeks I was in hospital.  But my woman is nothing if not determined so I’m sure she’ll get something sorted.

 

Betsy told me she and Nina had a really nice heart to heart yesterday.  She made her see that she was being unreasonable.  That Lisa would have rushed into that house if it had been her in there, that it wasn’t me-specific.  We’ve both told her that but she wouldn’t listen.  Maybe it takes someone outside the situation to make you listen.  Nina kept telling her how much Lisa loves her but when you love someone, you don’t think about safety or consequences, you just act, you protect them.  And that’s what Lisa did when she knew Rob was holding me hostage.  She charged in to save me.

 

Then she said, “isn’t it an amazing thing for your Mum to have found a love like she has with Carla?”

 

That really got to me.  That Nina can see what we have, how special it is.  And she can see how far my Lisa has come, after everything she’s been through, to have reached the place she’s in now, happy with me.  We’ve done that for each other.  Healed each other.  And yeah, that is an amazing thing.

 

Lisa

 

1^st April 2025

21:34

 

It’s been a long day.  But I’m home and I have a few days off to look after Betsy.  She’s really struggling with not being able to use her arm and I really want to focus on her, be a good Mum.  Costello wasn’t thrilled with me asking for more time off.  I’ve gone from being the copper who had to be forced to take leave to being right up to my limit.  It’s very unusual for me.  But I need to do what’s best for my family.

 

Carla spent the day with Betsy today.  She very kindly took the day off to spend it looking after her.  She told me last night when we were cuddled up in bed how much it meant to her that I invited her to the social work appointment.  Honestly, it didn’t occur to me not to invite her.  We’re a family now.  And I don’t think I could have got through it without her anyway.  I don’t think I could get through life without her, to be honest.

 

She told me she had a really nice chat with Betsy today.  Nina made some comment yesterday about how it’s an amazing thing for me to have found a love like I have with Carla.  She started crying while she told me and then I started crying.  Honestly, we were a mess!  Then we started laughing at ourselves!  She’s always teasing me for being soft but I swear, she’s just as soft as I am.  Softer, actually, I think.  She’s so lovely.  So beautiful, inside and out.  I’m so bloody lucky.

 

Carla

 

11^th April 2025

3:20pm

 

So, last night I told Lisa the whole truth about the pub.  Jenny and Daisy are stalling and stalling with paying me back and Betsy is… difficult.  She’s really struggling with her arm.  The feeling isn’t coming back and understandably that’s really affecting her mood.  That’s affecting the mood in the flat something chronic.  It’s breaking my heart watching Lisa running around after her like she is.  She’s gone part time again, which her boss is not happy about.  She’s trying to fit full time hours into part time and the rest of her day is spent taking care of Betsy.  I know I did this to her before and I feel terribly guilty for that but I least I tried.  I tried to do things for myself.  I tried to make things easier for her when she was stretching herself too thin. 

 

Betsy’s… indulgent. 

 

She’s not doing her exercises (unless Lisa helps her with them).  She won’t pick up any college work.  She won’t even try to do anything for herself that she absolutely can do.  She’s just sat there in the flat, letting us wait on her, hand and foot.  It’s horrible. 

 

And she’s not being very nice either.  Snappy.  Rude.  Not really to Lisa but very much to me.  Remarks about Rob.  And just about me generally.  It’s almost like she’s jealous of me getting any of Lisa’s time.  Not that I am getting any of Lisa’s time.  Everything is about Betsy at the moment.  By bed time, Lisa’s absolutely knackered.  We haven’t had sex for two weeks.  I’m not complaining but…  Okay, I am a bit.  I miss her.

 

So, yeah, I need to get Betsy paid back ASAP so I don’t have this hanging over me any longer.  I need us to be on equal footing.  Jenny and Daisy clearly have no intention of paying me back a single penny.  I’ve given Daisy some leeway.  I know she’s suffering.  But I told Jenny to take that £60K she offered me, to the bank.  She’s ignored me.  So, I went to see her today and told her that I’m putting the pub on the market.  She’s welcome to raise the funds to buy it if she wants to, although judging by the fact that she hasn’t been able to pay me back, I doubt she’ll be able to.  I just don’t care anymore.

 

But obviously before I could do that, I had to tell Lisa everything.  She didn’t even know I owned the place!  She was actually great about it.  I was worried she’d be hurt that I’d kept it from her but she understood why I did and that once you keep something from someone initially, it’s hard to find the right time to share it later.  She was horrified that Jenny and Daisy had stolen from me, especially after what Stephen had done to me and considering that Jenny had been married to my Dad at one time.  But she supported my decision to sell up.  She said I’d been far more patient with them both than she would have been.  I’m glad she knows.  It’s pretty much the only thing I’ve kept from her.  No more secrets.

 

Now, if Betsy would just calm down, stop making digs, stop being so possessive, stop trying to shove me out, everything would be perfect.

 

Lisa

 

11^th April 2025

17:59

 

Everything is feeling very tiring at the moment.  I’m trying really hard to be everything to everyone and honestly, it’s exhausting.  Betsy is really struggling.  She can’t do up her shoes or cut up her food and every time I look at her, I feel so guilty.  She was my strong, capable girl and now she could be paralysed for the rest of her life and it’s all my fault.  My central job above anything else, more than being a police officer or a partner, is to be a mother, is to look after her and instead, I harmed her.  I shot my own daughter and even if she does recover, I’ll never be able to forgive myself.

 

I think Carla thinks I’m mollycoddling her too much.  That I should be making her try and do more for herself and perhaps she’s right but how can I?  How can I when I caused this?  When she looks at me and tells me she needs me?

 

Carla told me last night that last year, Jenny and Daisy stole £250K from her and used it to buy The Rovers.  The money that Stephen Reid robbed from her that we were never able to find… they found.  And instead of returning it to her, bearing in mind all that Stephen did to her and that Jenny used to be Carla’s step-mum (sort of), they just stole it from her!  She found out not long after but instead of turning them in, she arranged a payment schedule, for them to return the money.  She still felt a connection to Jenny because of her Dad and Ryan was dating Daisy at the time and she would do anything for him.  She got as far as the police station before Ryan talked her back down.

 

She felt very guilty for not telling me.  She’d been worried that I’d be obligated to arrest them.  I mean, really, I should.  I’ve had a crime reported to me.  And not a small one either.  But she begged me to let it go.  She’s handling it.  She’s told Jenny that she’s selling the pub and that’s that.  No more chances.  She wants to get shot of the place, get her money back once and for all.  Pay Betsy back.  I’m glad I know the truth now.  I wish she’d felt able to tell me before but I do get it.  I think navigating a relationship with a copper has actually been harder for Carla than navigating a relationship with a woman.

 

And I know why she wants to pay Betsy back.  Not just because she wants to return the money.  But because Betsy has been making comments.  Not specifically about the money.  But about the whole Rob situation overall.  She’s making jibes towards Carla, even though she apologised to her less than two weeks ago.  I thought we’d moved past it all.  I thought we were okay.  Maybe the reality of the situation is kicking in and Carla’s her easiest target.  Carla can feel it.  So can I.  It’s almost like she doesn’t want us to spend any time together.  I’m practically asleep before my head hits the pillow at night.  And then it all starts again the next day.  I miss Carla terribly, even just having a cuddle.

 

Lisa

 

14^th April 2025

20:54

 

Carla had some kind of run in with Daisy today.  Apparently she was pissed (Daisy, not Carla) and furious that Carla is daring to sell the pub to get back her stolen cash.  She hurled abuse at Carla.  Her Mum and Jenny had to take her off and talk her down.  I’m confident Carla handled it.  I mean, she can totally handle herself but when Carla told me about it, it took everything in me not to charge down there and handle it myself.  How fucking dare she speak to Carla like then when she robbed her?  I know she’s been through a lot recently but that doesn’t mean she’s not an absolute bitch.  I still feel absolutely livid over her attitude towards her.  And I really would have gone to speak to her if Carla hadn’t begged me to leave it, insisted she’d dealt with it herself.  Although she did seem to appreciate how much I cared.

 

Otherwise my day has been split between work and Betsy.  She’s really struggled this evening.  My whole conversation with Carla kept getting interrupted by her needing something.  It was reminiscent of having a conversation with Becky when Betsy was a toddler.  But she decided she was tired half an hour ago and wanted to go and fall asleep to music in her room so Carla and I finally have a bit of time to ourselves to watch some TV and cuddle up together.  And you never know… later… we might actually…!

 

Carla

 

15^th April 2025

10:34am

 

Yesterday turned out better than it started.  During the day, I ended up in a row with Daisy.  She was drunk and abusive.  Had a right go about me about selling the pub.  You know, the one she bought with MY MONEY!  I was very restrained.

 

I then had to restrain Lisa (verbally) when I told her about it.  She was ready to charge round there and give Daisy what for, for speaking to me badly.  Which was kind of hot of her, I can’t lie.  So, I was quite relieved when Betsy (who barely let us get a sentence out each during the conversation before she interrupted) decided to spend the evening in her room.

 

It left me and Lisa some time to actually chill.  We watched some TV.  She wrote in her diary and by nine o’clock, I was whispering in her ear how hot it was that she was so protective of me.  We were in the bedroom by five past.  We didn’t get to sleep until gone midnight.  What can I say?  It’s been a few weeks!  But she left me VERY satisfied.  Hopefully I left her feeling the same.  The scratches she left on my back suggest that I did and the fact that she practically suffocated herself with a pillow because she was worried about Betsy banging on the door!  Yeah.  It was a good night.

 

Next time... Betsy seeks revenge on Tracy, Carla eases some of Lisa's anxiety and Betsy meddles in Carla and Lisa's relationship...

Chapter 43: Teenage Rebellion

Lisa

 

25^th April 2025

17:14

 

Betsy has only bloody well gone and got herself arrested and charged with theft of a vehicle, dangerous driving, driving without a licence, insurance… fuck knows what else they’ll throw at her, especially with the attitude she had in the interview.  Thankfully, it was Jess who arrested her and interviewed her.  I don’t know her that well but well enough.  She’s nice.  She’s kind.  She’s fair.  She was also very discreet, with me having to come in and sit in on an interview with my own daughter (who was not discreet) and she waited for me to get there before she interviewed her or anything.  She phoned me immediately.

 

Carla warned me that this was going to happen, or something like it.  Betsy has had a bad attitude ever since the shooting.  She’s been horrible to Carla.  Not so horrible to me but very dependant, very demanding.  And I know I’ve been pandering to her.  I’ve done everything for her.  Let her get her own way on everything.  I thought I was doing the right thing.  Now, I’m not sure.  To be fair to Carla, she hasn’t said ‘I told you so.  When I called her this afternoon to tell her what had happened, she was just really kind, really supportive.  Offered to come home.  But I know she’s busy so I told her we’d see her tonight.  She should be back soon.

 

The three of us went to the café this morning.  Betsy kicked off at Tracy and Carla and I had to break it up.  That’s kind of where it all started.  Betsy was then rude to Carla and stormed out.  I apologised profusely to Carla.  She accepted it but I know she’s hurt.  Things had been so lovely between the three of us and it’s hard to see the way Betsy speaks to her now.  Plus, we’re living in her home.  I’m worried she’s just going to kick us out.  Call time on our relationship, even.  I mean, would you want to date someone when their daughter is being an absolute cow to you?  Like, all the time?  She’s got the patience of a saint.  I need to do something.  To apologise.  To make up for it.  Somehow.  I have to.  I can’t make Betsy behave better but I can find a way to make up for it.  I need to do something to make sure she doesn’t leave me.

 

I visited Carla at work at lunch time.  We talked about Betsy quite a lot.  Then I got interrupted by Jess calling to say that Betsy had been arrested.  I did not miss the look Carla gave me when I answered my phone as DS Swain.  Well, I will put that look in my pocket,  I think!  It’s one of the things I love about being with Carla.  The confidence she gives me.  This time last year, I couldn’t even touch myself.  I was so broken as a person, so locked inside my own grief.  Now, just a look from Carla and I could cancel work and spend the whole day in bed with her. 

 

And she genuinely makes me feel attractive.  The way she looks at me, the things she says to me.  The way she loves me.  She’s such a beautiful person.  I don’t mean physically.  I mean, I do mean physically.  But I really mean inside.  She has this way of making me feel so special.  Like I’m the most important person in the world.  Even when there’s trauma and drama going on around us, we’ve got each other.  I’m not on my own anymore because I have her and I’ll always have her.  I am so lucky that she climbed into my car that day. That she saw me.  That she cared about me.  That no matter how many times I’ve pushed her away, she’s continued to fight for me.  I have never met anyone like her.  I’m not sure there is anyone like her.  And she’s mine.

 

Wow, that was quite the paragraph, all because she looked at me all lustfully over the way I answered my phone! 

 

Well, I had to reluctantly leave her and rush to work where Jess was waiting for me with Betsy.  I sat in on the interview.  She dared to go ‘no comment’ which absolutely infuriated me!  Then she just blatantly lied throughout the interview.  She insisted that she knew how to drive because Becky taught her.  No way would Becky, a police officer, have taken our underage daughter to a car park full of CCTV and taught her to drive.  No way.

 

Betsy then made everything a million times worse and said Tracy deserved the theft of the van.  She helped Rob, which led her to being shot and paralysed.  She claimed to be traumatised, which I don’t disagree with.  But the first bit, about Tracy, is not true.  She may have had opportunities to alert us to Rob being on the Street.  I gather she actually left the house at one point.  And he was half dead most of the time he was there.  However, she was held hostage.  He did have a gun.  When she ran out of the house, she was genuinely terrified.  Carla confirmed it and I can confirm it too.  She was a victim, at least for the most part and doesn’t deserve to be punished.  As much as I’m happy to front up to her and defend my daughter when I have to.

 

Jess mentioned another girl being with Betsy, which she denies.  I’m curious about that because Betsy couldn’t even tie her own laces this morning.  I had to do it for her.  I’m having to help dress her, feed her, do everything for her at the moment.  It’s absolutely exhausting.  I’m taking care of her, fitting full time work into part time hours, risking wrecking my relationship with Carla because I have absolutely no time for her.  We haven’t have sex in ages because I’m too bloody knackered. 

 

And I know Carla would share the load.  She’d do stuff for Betsy too but Betsy won’t let her.  All she wants to do is shout at her.  So, she’d doing laundry, cleaning, errands and (try to do the) cooking, that sort of thing instead.

 

So, my question is, if Betsy can’t physically take care of herself, how did she drive a van?

 

When we got home, we had a massive row.  It ended in furious tears and hugs.  We were both exhausted, physically emotionally.  She’s still angry with me for what happened.  I think she thinks I should have avenged her with Tracy somehow.  How?  What am I meant to have done?

 

Tracy did come round later, demanding that we pay for damages.  I said she would have to take it up with her insurance company.  The courts will deal with Betsy.  She’s currently on bail.  Betsy was annoyingly impressed with me for sending her on her way, so I ended up snapping at her.  Tracy isn’t in the wrong.  I gather from Carla that she’s not a good person.  Not someone Betsy should be messing with either.  But in this instance, she’s a victim.  Rob took her hostage, played on her love for him, her compassion.  Manipulated her like he manipulated Mandy, who’s now facing being a prison officer, pregnant and locked up in prison.  And now Tracy’s lost business and had her van trashed and she doesn’t deserve it. 

 

But I will always stand up for my daughter, whatever she’s done.  That’s just the way I was designed.

 

Ooh, I think that’s Carla coming home.

 

Carla

 

25^th April 2025

8:59pm

 

I mean, the day started like it often does at the moment, except for the first time in ages, Betsy was willing to get up off the sofa.  She made Lisa practically get her showered and dressed and tie her shoes but at least she got up and out.  Although, retrospectively, perhaps staying in would have been a better idea.

 

Things haven’t been great at home.  Honestly, Betsy has been a cow.  She’s constantly rude to me.  Like, really, really rude.  And it makes things very awkward.  My instinct is to argue.  But she’s not my kid.  I’m not her Mum.  I’m not anyone’s Mum.  It’s not my place to parent her. 

 

And Lisa has a very complicated relationship with her, made even more complicated now by the fact that she shot her.  So, she’s just pandering to her, running around after her, letting her own guilt rule the situation.  So, she’s not picking her up when she’s rude to me.  And that hurts.  Even though I understand, it still hurts.  I’d do anything to protect her.  To stand up for her.  And while I know she’d walk through broken glass for me, take a bullet for me, rush unarmed into a hostage situation for me… she won’t stand up to her daughter for me.  And that’s hard.

 

So, this morning, we went to the café before work.  Betsy ended up kicking off at Tracy, who she also blames for the situation.  Me, Lisa, Tracy and Rob.  When actually, it’s only Rob’s fault.  And really, if you want to be picky about it… kind of Betsy’s fault too.  Because she started this whole mess.  If she hadn’t kicked off about me and Lisa in the first place, set the Radcliffe brothers on me then I wouldn’t have had that bleed, wouldn’t have got Sepsis, wouldn’t have needed the transplant, wouldn’t have needed Rob…

 

Anyway.

 

She had a go at Tracy, who had a go back.  Lisa and I had to break it up.  Betsy turned on me and then stormed out.  Lisa was incredibly apologetic.  She always is.  And I feel incredibly sorry for her.  I’m desperately worried about her.  I’m scared, actually.  Scared she’s at breaking point.  Everyone thinks she’s so tough, so hard but she’s fragile.  Sensitive.  Gentle.  Kind.  She’s been alone for years, after this awful trauma.  She had nobody.  She and Betsy weren’t there for each other.  They were both broken.  Lisa’s told me how lonely she was.  How desperate.  I’m trying to be there for her now.  Trying to look after her.  Mostly, she lets me.  Sometimes, it’s harder to get her to let me in.

 

I had a busy morning but I was glad when Lisa came to visit me.  We mostly talked about Betsy, to be honest.  Then she got a call from work to say that Betsy had been arrested for stealing Tracy van and crashing it!  How the hell she even managed that is beyond me.  She’s only got the use of one arm!  I mean, that makes me a little suspicious, to be honest.  Is she playing us?  I don’t know.

 

Obviously, Lisa had to rush off to sort it all out.  Betsy has been charged and bailed.  Lisa is mortified, understandably.  Imagine being a copper and having your kid arrested like that.  She said it was a particularly nice officer who is very fair, doesn’t gossip, has a kind heart.  She doesn’t know her well but has known her a while.  Betsy knows her too, so that helped.

 

She said that Betsy was a nightmare in the interview.  First she went ‘no comment’, then she lied.  She said Becky gave her driving lessons, which she never would have done.  Jess is sure there was someone else involved but Betsy has denied it.  Lisa thinks there must have been because Betsy couldn’t have driven with one arm.  Well, either that or she’s lying about her arm.  Obviously, I haven’t said that to Lisa.  I don’t want to fall out with her.

 

Tracy has already been round, demanding compensation.  Lisa sent her packing.  Honestly, I’m exhausted and I haven’t even been there.  I just want one evening where I can go home and snuggle up with the woman I love.  Maybe even get to snog her a little bit.  Have a bit of a fondle of her boobs if I’m really lucky!  But I know I’m not lucky.  I’m going home to teenage strops and a stressed, exhausted police officer.

 

Carla

 

26^th April 2025

10:30am

 

Well, I take it all back!

 

So, yesterday, when Lisa took her work call, she answered, ‘DS Swain’ and the thing is… it really does something to me.

 

Before I met her, I didn’t even like coppers.  I actively disliked them.  But now I’m with Lisa, I find the whole DS thing really very hot.  Honestly, I don’t know what this woman has done to me!

 

I thought I’d kept my little… kink?  Under control!  But yeah, she answered the phone all ‘DS Swain’ and it was so hot.  And I could hardly stop thinking about it for the rest of the day.

 

And she noticed.  Of course she noticed.  She notices everything.  It’s as endearing as it is annoying.

 

So, when I came home, we had dinner, we chilled for a bit.  I wrote my diary in front of the TV.  Betsy was… Betsy.

 

Then Lisa suggested we went to bed.  I was a bit confused because it was quite early.  She started stroking her hand up and down my thigh and kissing my neck.  She told me she’d seen the way I looked at her when she’d answered her phone earlier.  I could feel myself blushing.  But any thoughts of embarrassment completely fell away, when she put her hand inside my underwear and her tongue in my mouth.  It was a HUGE risk.  Betsy was only in her bedroom.

 

To be fair, it didn’t take long.  It’s been ages.  I was like a coiled spring.  I’ve watched her walk around the bedroom in various states of undress, had her tucked up against me in bed every night, looking all lovely and not been able to touch her or have her touch me because she was too knackered.  So finally, having her hands on me felt fucking amazing.  And I got away with not being loud because we were kissing so hard.

 

I love her hands.  They’re so soft.  So gentle.  So capable.  She kept stroking me afterwards.  Helping me come down, while I lay back on the sofa, trying to catch my breath.  I mumbled something about DS Swain.

 

Then she stood up and took me to the bedroom.  We didn’t get to sleep until the early hours.

 

This morning, Betsy was exceptionally rude to us about keeping her awake.  Lisa was embarrassed and immediately tried to apologise but I stopped her.  We haven’t been intimate pretty much since she came home from hospital and actually, we’ve had a difficult time as well.  There are still conversations she and I need to have, healing we need to do.  But everything right now is so focussed on Betsy and her trauma that we’ve put everything aside for her.  So no, I won’t apologise for making love with my partner.

 

Obviously, I didn’t say all that.

 

I said, “Yes, Betsy, we had sex.  We’re adults in a relationship and we had sex.  And we don’t need to apologise for it.”

She glared at me, snapping that she doesn’t need to hear me shagging her Mum.  I suggested she used the very expensive Air Pods I bought her if we were bothering her.  She said she shouldn’t have to.

I said, “Well, that’s the situation as it stands and you’re going to have to live with it.”

She stormed off to her room.  Lisa looked helpless.  I insisted that I’m happy to compromise on plenty but I’m not apologising for us being together.  Then she flung herself at me and hugged me so tightly.  I thought she was going to cry and I still can’t quite figure out why.  I need to investigate later.  I did try but she just said she loved me and had to go to work.

 

Lisa

 

26^th April 2025

13:00

 

Betsy really embarrassed me this morning.  I mean, I should be used to it at this point.  But it was Carla’s response that really interested me.  And worried me a little bit?

 

So, last night, we slept together for the first time in a while.  Things have been so difficult with Betsy since she came home from hospital and I’ve been so exhausted, I just haven’t had the energy.  And now I feel really bad.  It’s obviously something that’s really important to Carla and I’ve deprived her.  I’ve let her down.  I mean, apart from when she was poorly, sex has been important to us.  Both of us.  We’ve got amazing sexual chemistry. 

 

But I just… I feel… like a failure.  The way she spoke about it this morning… the importance of it…  I honestly feel like I’ve failed her.  I have to make sure I don’t let her down again.  I’m already letting her down in so many ways.  I know I am.  Betsy’s being an absolute nightmare.  She’s being so horrible to Carla and I can’t stop her.  I’m messing everything up all the time.  The least I can do is have sex with her!  Ugh!  I knew this would happen.  I knew I’d fail.  I knew I’d fuck everything up.  Carla is so wonderful.  She deserves someone better than me.  What does she even see in me anyway?

 

I thought everything was so great last night.  We had a nice, chilled evening.  Then I actually had some energy and I’d hardly been able to stop thinking about the way she looked at me when I answered the phone earlier in the day.  So I hit on her.  It took her a while to catch on but she got there.  And then I… got her there.  It felt very naughty, right there on the sofa, when Betsy could have walked in at any moment.  We kissed while I had my hand inside her underwear, fingers inside her, thumb on her clit… bringing her to climax.  It was amazing.

 

Then we went to the bedroom and it was… bliss.  It lasted hours.

 

But this morning, Betsy lodged her complaints about the noise.  I tried to apologise but Carla defended us.  Told her to use her headphones.  She bought her some expensive ones and reminded her of that.  It went back and forth for a bit until Betsy realised she’d lost and stormed into her room.  Carla told me that she was happy to compromise on most things but not on us being together.

 

So, has she been mad at me for weeks?  For the way Betsy’s been?  For our lack of intimacy?  I’m so scared she’s going to give up on me.

 

I told her I loved her and hugged her tight.  Then I legged it to work.  The bonus of working on a weekend.

 

Lisa

 

27^th April 2025

16:08

 

So, Carla and I had a really good chat last night.  Like, a really good chat.  I don’t think I’ve ever met someone before who I can be so open and honest with, especially with my real feelings, my fears.

 

When I got home, she’d made dinner for us.  She’d sent Betsy off out with Lauren (apparently they’re mates now) to the cinema for the evening.  I was a bit worried about her because of her arm but Carla assured her that she had given her money for a taxi both ways she made her promise she would call if she wasn’t okay.  She pointed out that she wasn’t drinking so she could drive to get her if she needed to.

 

We sat down to dinner together and she asked me what was on my mind.  I denied that there was anything on my mind but she told me she always knows when there’s something going on, which is true.  She does.

 

She said the way I’d clung to her in the morning, she could feel my stress, my worry.  She wanted to know what was going on.  I blurted out all my fears about being a failure, about her leaving me.  She looked absolutely bewildered.  She asked me how on earth I’d ever got any of that into my head.  Why would she leave me?  How had I failed?  I mean, even just that was reassuring.

 

I explained that I was worried that Betsy’s attitude was going to put her off me.  She said she wasn’t impressed with Betsy, if she was being completely honest but it wasn’t going to put her off me.  Like we said before, we come as a package.  She loves me.  She loves Betsy.  Strops and all.  I said I was worried that I’d let her down, failed because I wasn’t being a proper partner to her.  She asked me how.  I said because I’d been so exhausted with work and looking after Betsy, that she and I hadn’t been intimate except for the night before.  She hugged me so close and kissed me.  She told me that our relationship meant more than that.  That although she’d love to ravish me every night (she literally said that!), she was grown woman.  She was planning on us being together for the rest of our lives.  There will be times when we’ll be shagging all over the flat (hopefully, she said), and times when we just have a little cuddle.

“And I’m here for all of it,” she said.

And I cried.  I actually sobbed.  All these fears I’ve been holding in about not being good enough, not being wanted, Carla deciding she wouldn’t want me anymore… they all dissolved into tears of absolute relief and love.

Because she always makes me feel loved.  Always makes me feel good enough.  She is absolutely everything and I am so incredibly lucky.

 

After she checked that I was going ahead because I wanted to, not because I felt obliged, we had a beautiful night together, briefly interrupted by Betsy coming home and banging on the bedroom door to let us know she was back ‘if you even care!’.  To be honest, right at that moment, I was lying on my back with Carla’s tongue on my clit.  I didn’t care about much besides that.  Call me a bad Mum if you like but Carla Connor’s mouth is overwhelmingly talented.  If you’d ever encountered it, you’d completely understand.

 

I am very eager to get home from work…

 

Carla

 

27^th April 2025

6:34pm

 

I am DESPERATE for Lisa to get home from work.  I fear I have become that woman who struggles to function without their partner!  To be fair, I mostly want Lisa home because I’m horny as hell and I’m struggling to concentrate on little else.  We’ve been sexting for the past hour and I really need her back here.

 

We had a long talk last night.  I packed Betsy off to the cinema with Lauren.  Then I cooked dinner for Lisa so we could talk.  She pretty much broke down on me.  She’s been stressing that I’m going to leave her because of everything that’s happened recently, because of the way Betsy’s been.  I admitted that Betsy’s not impressed me (I left out the bit that her lack of standing up for me has hurt me because the heartbroken look on her face told me she didn’t need to hear it) but that I can live with it while she gets over everything that’s happened.  I said I love her, I love Betsy and I want us to be a family.  I know the pair of them come as a package and I’m happy with that.

 

Then she started fretting that the lack of sex we’ve had recently is a problem, that she’s been failing me, letting me down.  That I might leave her for that.  Well, I was immediately reassuring (I hope)!  I am NOT that person.  I mean, I want her.  Desperately.  All the time.  But we’re more than that.  We’re in love.  We love each other through kidney transplants, dialysis, shootings, teenage tantrums, exhaustion, all of it.  I’m as happy curling up in her arms as I am curling up between her thighs.  I could never feel like she was failing me.  Letting me down.  That woman spends her entire life trying her absolute best.  All the time.  With everything.

 

Once I’d established that she actually wanted to and didn’t feel obligated, we went to the bedroom.  And it was lovely.  Genuinely beautiful.  Not rushed (although we did get interrupted at a rather inopportune moment by Betsy banging on the door announcing she was home).  No sex toys.  Just… us.  Lots of kissing.  Lots of holding each other.  Stroking each other.  Gazing into each other’s eyes.  I am so deeply in love with her.  I have never loved anyone like this before.  She’s my whole world.

 

Carla

 

28^th April 2025

2:34pm

 

I have just been cock blocked (or whatever the lesbian equivalent is) by a flippin’ teenager!  I am so pissed off.  And so frustrated!  Like, SO frustrated!  If Lisa doesn’t sort me out when I get home, I might actually have to ‘run myself a bath’.  And I haven’t had to do that since she and I got together.  Ugh!  That bloody kid.

 

I was already having a frustrating day at work.  One of those ‘everything that could go wrong’ situations.  So, I was thrilled when Lisa phoned at lunch time, basically booty calling me.  I practically ran home, despite her cutting the call short.

 

And… the reason she cut the call short was because having arrived home and having already started undoing her buttons and walking to the bedroom, she realised that Betsy, who was meant to be at college, was lying on the sofa, apparently not feeling well.

 

So, by the time I got back, very eager to drag Lisa into the bedroom, I was aghast to find Lisa out of sex mode and fully in Mum mode.  She was very apologetic when she saw me, breathless and eager, having practically run home from the factory.

“Sorry,” Betsy said bluntly.  “No lunch time shag for you.  I’m not feeling well.”

Both of us were mortified.  Lisa more than me.  She’s shyer about that sort of thing, especially around Betsy.  I did point out she was seventeen, not seven and didn’t need watching so we actually could leave her unattended.  Betsy looked outraged.  Lisa little Bambi eyes went so wide, so I gave her a cuddle and told her I was only teasing and asked if I could do anything useful.

 

I ended up making lunch for us all.  It was not the kind of lunch I was expecting to eat.  Lisa had to phone the college to explain (again) that Betsy wasn’t up to going in.  I pointed out that Betsy was perfectly well enough to drive the van the other day.  Lisa quietly asked me not to make digs.  She decided to take Betsy to college so they could work out a plan going forward.

 

And then… then I saw it.  The look Betsy gave me on the way out of the flat.  She doesn’t want me around.  She wants to push me out.  Keep me away from Lisa. 

 

I know it. 

 

There’s some kind of weird jealousy going on.  All the banging on the doors, the complaints in the morning, the cock blocking, the pathetic neediness in order to take up all her time, all the digs she makes against me (which Lisa doesn’t challenge but she’ll challenge me if I say one thing).  She’s trying to drive a wedge between us.  Break us up.  She wants Lisa to be on her own again, be only able to love her and nobody else.  All we’ve done, all we’ve achieved, all we’ve learned, the three of us, and we’re right back to where we started.  We haven’t learned anything at all.

 

Lisa

 

28^th April 2025

17:03

 

Well, I wangled a long lunch and booty called Carla.  This did not go to plan!  I was just starting to undress and head into the bedroom when Betsy cleared her throat from the sofa.  How bloody embarrassing!

 

She was feeling unwell and had skipped college.  I had to call them and explain.  Then Carla turned up, sounding like she’d actually RUN from the factory!  I felt so bad!  She looked so disappointed.  I mean, I was pretty disappointed too!

 

She and Betsy started sparring immediately.  Carla was the grown up though.  She started making us all some lunch.  It wasn’t exactly what I was planning on eating over lunch but it was nice of her.  In the end, I didn’t get to spend a proper lunch time with Carla at all.  I had to take Betsy into college to sit down with her tutor.

 

The meeting went well and she’s got some work to be getting on with at home until she feels able to go in again.  Since we got home, we’ve been watching films together.  We’ve also stolen some of Carla’s hidden stash of chocolate.  I’ll replace it.  I’m sure she won’t mind.  Well, she will mind.  But I’ll make it up to her!

 

Betsy asked me a load of questions about Carla.  She asked what would happen if I got ill – would Carla look after her?  She said she thinks Carla doesn’t like her.  I mean, at the moment, Carla isn’t happy with her behaviour but then, nor am I.  But it doesn’t mean I don’t love her.  And it doesn’t mean Carla doesn’t.  I told her that Carla adores her.  Carla’s told me she adores her.  But Betsy shut me down.  She said she doesn’t want Carla to be her Mum.  It upset me.  I’m not looking to replace Becky.  Carla isn’t looking to replace Becky.  But I liked the idea, I suppose of us being a family.  Me and Carla and Betsy.  Carla being another parental figure.  A step-mum. 

 

She’s already been such a wonderful, positive influence on Betsy, long before she and I were a couple. Someone Betsy loves and respects.  I hope, when all this is done, Betsy might begin to look at Carla as a parent, if Carla is comfortable with that, of course.  That we can look at things long term, at being a happy family.

 

Carla

 

30^th April 2025

9:30pm

 

I’m not happy.  In fact, I feel like absolute fucking shit.

 

I’m in the bedroom.  Lisa and Betsy are in the lounge, working on Betsy’s college work together.  It’s like I don’t even exist.  In my home.  In my relationship.  Betsy doesn’t want me here.  And honestly, if that’s what she’s aiming for, it’ll happen.  It happened before. 

 

When Lisa and I first got together, I was so happy.  We had the most amazing morning together.  All those months of pining after her – to use Ryan’s words – and I finally had her.  She was mine.  Then Betsy kicked off and she was gone.  Just like that.  I thought we were starting something special and then it was over.  All because Betsy told her no. 

 

And now, I’m sat in here by myself, in our bedroom.  The room were first made love in.  The room we made love in last night, after Betsy derailed us in the afternoon yesterday… and I’m terrified.  I’m terrified that Betsy’s going to tell her actually, she doesn’t want her to be with me anymore.  And Lisa loves her so much.  What if Betsy’s still in charge?  Because of the love.  Because of the guilt.  And so, Lisa will decide she has to leave me.  After everything we’ve been through.  Everything we’ve shared.  This life that we’ve built together in such a short space of time.

 

I ‘babysat’ today.  I wasn’t keen, I must admit.  I was pretty sure that Betsy was swinging the lead.  If she really did steal Tracy’s van by herself then she must have some ability to use her arm.  She couldn’t have done that with how she was claiming her paralysis was affecting her, with the way she was running Lisa ragged.  Either that or someone (Lauren?) was with her and she’s covering for her.  Either way, she’s telling lies somewhere and that’s not okay.  Can’t she see what a fucking state her mother is in?

 

And so, because I love her and because she’s a wreck, I did stay with Betsy today.  I did everything that was required of me.  I let her lounge in front of the TV.  I made her lunch.  I kept her company.

 

And that’s when it happened.  She absently used her paralysed arm to take the tray from me and then grind pepper on the pasta.  She was glued to the TV, not thinking.  Then when she realised I’d caught her out, she leapt up and spilled pasta all over my bloody expensive carpet!  We were both screaming at each other when Lisa walked in, which, granted, wasn’t a great look.  Betsy stormed off to her room.  I told Lisa that Betsy’s arm was fine.  Lisa STILL defended her!  Hurried off after her to checked she was okay!  And I had to clean up the fucking pasta!  I am still bloody raging.

 

When Lisa came back out, she was very apologetic about the carpet.  Said she’d get it cleaned.  I told her it didn’t matter.  She was still protective of Betsy, which just annoyed me.  She said she was giving her a bit of space but then she would talk to her properly, find out what was actually going on with her.  I said we were meant to be going to Julie’s party.  I’ve hardly seen her since she’s been back and time’s running out.  Lisa awkwardly said she couldn’t go, that she needed to be with Betsy.  I was visibly disappointed.  I really wanted to introduce her to Julie.  She apologised, insisted we’d make time.  Kissed me goodbye.

 

So, I went off to Julie’s Bingo afternoon by myself.  It was lovely to see Julie.  I hung out with Shona, Kirk and Craig a lot and that was nice.  We had a good laugh.  The big event came when Kit strolled in and arrested Daisy’s Mum, Christina!  For defrauding Jenny!  Apparently, she’s been catfishing her, or something.  Pretending to be this bloke, Dominic or someone.  On some app.  Trying to get her hands on the £60K she offered me a few weeks ago.  Well, I did tell her to get a bank loan with it to pay me off.  Then she wouldn’t have been able to do it, would she?  And I wouldn’t have had to sell the pub from under her either!  I mean, I’d feel sorry for the woman but she robbed me.  It was a shame really because Christina was doing a blinding job of calling the Bingo.  I was enjoying myself.  Mostly.  If I hadn’t been missing Lisa so much.  Worrying about her and Betsy.

 

I did try and call her a few times.  Asking if they were okay.  Fretting that they might be arguing.  Wondering when it would be okay to come home.  I didn’t want to come back at the wrong moment, you know?  If they were in the middle of an argument or a deep and meaningful.  If Lisa was starting to get somewhere.

 

I did manage to have a nice chat with Julie though.  She had heard (of course) all about me and Lisa and she was so excited.  Apparently she’d ‘always thought’ I was ‘a little bit bi’.  Ha!  Apparently, I ‘gave off that vibe’.  Well, nobody told me!  It came as a right shock!  She wanted to know all about her and of course, I told her.  I told her about her job and Betsy and how amazing Lisa is.  How she’s changed my whole life, how happy she makes me, how desperately in love with her I am.  I probably sounded like a loved up teenager.  Even in the mood I was in.  Because no matter what, I am desperately in love with her.  I’d do anything for her.

 

I was surprised to find the flat very peaceful when I got home.  Lisa and Betsy were thick as thieves, all cuddly on the sofa.  Betsy claimed to only have got the feeling back in her arm yesterday.  Lisa felt no need to punish her.  In fact, she was heaping more love than ever on her.  And I got yet another ‘you’re not wanted’ look from Betsy, as she brought her laptop into the lounge, so Lisa could help her with her coursework.

 

So, I’m shut away in the bedroom by myself and they’re busy out there.  Yeah.  I feel like absolute shit.

 

Lisa

 

1^st May 2025

16:22

 

It’s been a hell of a few days.  But I think the three of us are starting to get back on an even keel again.  We had a really good talk this morning.  A proper, honest talk and things are feeling a lot better. 

 

So, the really good news is that Betsy has some feeling back in her arm.  The less good news is that she lied about it.  She hid it from us.  I kind of get it.  She told me she was enjoying having me around more.  Doing things for her.  Spending more time with her.  That just piled on the guilt.  Not only did I shoot my own daughter but did she really feel she needed to exaggerate her injuries so I’d spend time with her?  Is that what it’s come to?  Am I that terrible a parent?  She talked about how I went straight back to work when Becky died.  How she wished she could be more like me but she can’t disassociate her feelings like I can.  And all of it, hearing it, just hurt so much.  She has no idea how much pain I feel.  And I can’t show her.  The only person who knows how deeply I feel things is Carla.  I suggested we get her some professional help but she said I’m all she wants.  I’ll keep trying to suggest it but I don’t want to force her.  I mean, it’s not something I’d ever want to do.

 

It all started earlier in the day when Carla was looking after her.  I had to go to work but I didn’t want Betsy to be by herself.  She’d been so clingy in the morning and I was worried.  I came back because Carla and I were meant to be going to her friend’s Bingo event in the pub.  I was going to bring Betsy with us.  I still feel bad that I didn’t go with Carla but I needed to be with Betsy.  She looked so sad when she left.  I know it was important to her.  Her friend, Julie, used to work for her.  She’s dying of cancer and she seemed very keen for me to meet her.  I’ve said we’ll arrange dinner and I really mean it.  I don’t want to keep letting Carla down, putting my stuff before hers.  She deserves better.

 

Anyway, while I was out, there was some kind of incident.  I’m not entirely sure what happened but a bowl of pasta ended up on the floor and Betsy accidentally revealed that she can use her arm.  I walked in the middle of them screaming at each other like two kids.  It was chaos.  Betsy ran into her bedroom.  Carla was still shouting.  I honestly didn’t know who to deal with first.  It was horrible. 

 

I went and spoke to Betsy.  Then I felt awful because by the time I came back, Carla had cleaned her own carpet, when really, I should have done it.  Or Betsy.  I said I’d get it professionally cleaned and got a ‘don’t bother’ kind of response.  I sent her off to the Bingo.  My phone was on silent so I ended up missing loads of calls from Carla while she was out, which I feel really guilty about.  I thought she was off having fun and not thinking about us.  I should have known she is always thinking about us.

 

She went straight to bed when she got home.  She was upset, I think, that I wasn’t making Betsy face any consequences for lying to us.  And I know that she’s right.  I know she is.  I know I should be harder on her.  But I shot her.  I’ve let her down so many times.  From when she was born.  I struggled to be a Mum from the start.  I was never the parent I should have been.  Becky was always better than me.  That’s why Betsy loved her more.  Connected with her more.  Wished that of the two of us, she had been the surviving parent.  And when I was the surviving parent, I still let her down.  I went back to work too soon.  I shut down all my emotions.  I failed her.  Constantly.  And then I nearly killed her.  So how can I be hard on her now?  How?

 

Betsy and I spent the evening doing coursework together.  I went to bed as soon as she did.  Carla was already tucked up.  I know she was pretending to sleep.  I know the sound of the rhythm of her breathing and that wasn’t it.  I’ve spent way too many nights, when she was on dialysis, listening to her breathe.  She couldn’t fool me.

 

I slipped into bed and cuddled up to her.  I apologised for how the day went.  She ignored me to start with.  I asked her how the Bingo went.  I kept kissing her back and shoulder and stroking her tummy.  Telling her I loved her.

 

Eventually, she said that Christina had been arrested for fraud.  She said that Julie was still very keen to meet me.  I told her to arrange dinner and I’d be there.  I apologised again.  Then I realised she was crying.

 

I persuaded her to turn around.  I nearly cried, looking at her.  Begged her to tell me what was wrong.  I apologised again for upsetting her.  I felt like my heart was going to break.  She looked at me with these wide eyes and told me she was scared.  I was really confused.  She said that she felt like our relationship was controlled by Betsy.  That all she had to do was tell me to end things and I’d just discard her.  And it felt like it was heading that way, the way she’s being with her, the way she’s trying to push her out.  She said she loved me and she didn’t know how she’d live without me now.  That she didn’t know what to do or how to feel.

 

I held her and I kissed her.  I apologised profusely for making her feel so awful, so disposable.  I told her I loved her and I would never leave her.  She’s my world.  Her and Betsy.  I want us to be a family.  And I don’t know how to live without her either.  I suggested we both took the morning off work this morning and sit down with Betsy, talk things through properly with Betsy and find a way through all this as a family.  She agreed and seemed comforted by the idea.

 

We kissed.  A lot.  It developed into more.  It was needy.  It was urgent.  It was desperate.  It was like I needed to climb inside her skin.

 

This morning, the three of us sat down over breakfast and we talked everything through.  It was genuinely productive.  There were tears.  Even some laughter.  Betsy admitted that she felt jealous sometimes of Carla taking my attention away.  We both apologised if it felt like that and I promised to make proper time for her.  Then she asked if Carla could make time for her too.  Individually.  She said she likes spending time with her.  They have things in common.  It would be nice to hang out sometimes.  Carla said she’d like to do that.  Me and Betsy.  Carla and Betsy.  The three of us together.  And me and Carla.  We need to be able to function and a proper family.  All three of us, seeing ourselves as a family.  I know Carla can never replace Becky.  Nor does she want to.  Nor should she.  But I would so love her to be a step mum to her one day.  For Betsy to see her that way.  For Carla to see herself that way.  I know it’ll take time but I think it would be a special thing.

 

Betsy has apologised for lying about the paralysis.  She’s explained why she did it.  Carla has reluctantly accepted it.  I’m trying not to beat myself up about it.  I do feel like we’ve turned a corner.  And I feel settled enough that I think Carla and I can go for our weekend away this weekend.  We already rescheduled it once because Carla was poorly.  I’ve been worrying that all this stuff with Betsy might mean we might have to cancel the whole thing altogether.  But I think she should be fine here.  Ryan has offered to come and stay and keep an eye on her.  We’re catching the train down to Brighton first thing on Saturday morning and coming back on Monday night.  I’m really looking forward to getting away.  Our first weekend away together…!

 

Carla

 

1^st May 2025

5pm

 

I broke down on Lisa last night when she came to bed.  It’s not like me, really.  I don’t sob.  But I felt so overwhelmed.  So frightened of losing her.  It just all came pouring out.

 

And she was… perfect.  She’s always perfect.

 

She told me everything I needed to hear.  She told me in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t going anywhere, no matter what Betsy says or does.  We’re in this for keeps.  She was so reassuring.  She even suggested we took the morning off work this morning so the three of us could have a proper talk.  We did and it was really productive.  Positive.  We’re all going to make some changes.  Make sure we keep connecting.  Make sure we know we all love each other and want the best for each other.

 

Last night, Lisa and I made love so desperately.  It was so intense.  It was like I had no breath left in my lungs.  I just clung to her.  I never wanted to let her go.

 

We’re off to Brighton at the weekend and I cannot wait.  I was worried she might cancel because of everything going on with Bets but she confirmed today that we’re still going.  Our train is booked for first thing on Saturday and we’re coming home on Monday evening.  Dirty weekend in Brighton!  Our first weekend away together!  I am so excited!

 

Next time... Carla and Lisa enjoy a weekend in Brighton...

Chapter 44: Brighton

Notes:

Just a little made up chapter!

Carla

 

2^nd May 2025

11:11pm

 

Well, I am all packed and ready to go to Brighton tomorrow!  I might have thrown the strap-on and the vibrator in my bag because… you know...  I am so excited about our trip.  Lisa said she’s booked us into a pub she’s heard is amazing for a Sunday roast, called the Lion and Lobster, right near the seafront.  We’re planning to get donuts on the pier and go on all the rides.  We’re going to do a gay pub crawl.  I mean, I’m not sure why we haven’t done that here…  Maybe we’ll do that when we get home!

 

Speaking of pubs… I took an Estate Agent over to The Rovers with a potential buyer today.  Jenny was not thrilled but never mind.  I need to get that place sold and get my money back.  Quickly.  If I can pay Betsy back, I think that would help things between us, although our chat yesterday did help, I think.  She actually brought me a coffee and a cake from Roy’s today.  Put up with the ribbing from the rest of the staff about being a Nepo Baby.  I heard them all.  She said she couldn’t be because we’re not related.  Sean said I was her step mum, so it counts.  She said, yeah, she supposed I was and thankfully, her Mum has good taste and she’d landed on her feet.  I assume I’m to take that as a compliment?

 

We had more issues with Tracy this evening, after work.  I’d kind of hoped she’d decided not to take Lisa on but I should have known better.  I stayed out of it.  I mean, obviously I’ll step up if I’m needed but honestly, Lisa can handle herself.  Even against Tracy Barlow.  Apparently, her insurance won’t pay out because she left the keys in the ignition.  She demanded that Lisa pay for the damage, which obviously, she refused.  She’s also pissed off because the charges against Betsy have been dropped.  She thinks Lisa has made Betsy’s crime go away.  She hasn’t.  She wasn’t involved in the case.  I mean, it may have been that they decided to be nice to Betsy because she was Lisa’s daughter and also because of her current circumstances.  She isn’t sure.  But she was told the other day that they were dropping the charges.

 

We decided to have a Chinese takeaway because neither of us could be bothered to cook.  I did suggest that perhaps it would be nice if Betsy did pay a bit towards the van.  Betsy did steal it after all.  Lisa dismissed the idea completely.  She said she didn’t take kindly to someone barging into her home and calling her daughter all sorts.  Then she caught herself and apologised for not listening to my idea.  It was enough just that she recognised what she’d said.  I don’t need her to help Tracy out.  I can’t bloody stand Tracy!  Awful woman, she is!  But the fact that she listened to me.  That she cared enough to correct herself.

 

I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her.  We kissed and would have got carried away except Betsy started making retching noises!

 

We had a nice dinner.  I told them both about my visit to The Rovers.  I embarrassed Betsy by telling Lisa about her kindness with the coffee and the cake.  Lisa shared some work stories.  Betsy asked what we’d be doing in Brighton ‘but I don’t want to know about the dirty bits’.  It was a really nice, relaxed, family dinner.

 

And now we’ve packed.  We have a few hours to sleep.  And we’ve off to catch our train in the morning!

 

Lisa

 

2^nd May 2025

23:11

 

I had to ward Tracy off again tonight.  She came barging round, demanding that we pay her compensation, as her insurance won’t pay out, due to her leaving the keys in the van.  I had to correct myself, as Carla later suggested it might be a good idea to give her something and I was still feeling protective of Bets.  I did catch myself and I did apologise and make sure that I listened to her point of view.  I want to make sure we’re doing everything as a family.  That we’re making decisions together.  And I think she appreciated it.  I got a hug and a kiss, which was promptly interrupted by Betsy making retching noises.

 

We all had a nice dinner together.  Chinese takeaway ahead of Carla and I going away tomorrow.  Betsy has promised to behave herself while we’re away and Ryan has promised to keep an eye on her.  He’s moving back in for the weekend, despite Betsy insisting she’d old enough to stay on her own.

 

As for me and Carla, I cannot WAIT to get to Brighton tomorrow.  I’ve made us a packed lunch for the train and we’ve packed our things.  I’ve even packed my handcuffs, not for anything work related!  I was going to pack the sex toys but someone seems to have got there

first!  Clearly she has the same ideas as me for this weekend!  Excellent!

 

Carla

 

4^th May 2025

10:30am

 

We are in Brighton and we’re having the most wonderful time.  The B&B Lisa booked is lovely.  Absolutely perfect.  Even the train journey down was fun!  She didn’t tell me but she bought us First Class seats so we could have nicer, quieter seats.  I dread to think how much she spent!  And she packed us this cute little picnic.  We watched films on the iPad and cuddled up together.  We had such a laugh.  I was unreasonably excited to be having a weekend away with her.  I guess because we’ve never done it before.  And it has absolutely lived up to expectation so far.

 

We came to the B&B straight away and we met by this lovely couple – two women.  We were shown to our room, which is lovely.  We’ve got a MASSIVE bed, which we have already made good use of!  And a lovely bathroom with a bath and a separate shower.  We have also made use of the shower.  We won’t be coming home without making use of the bath!  It is definitely that kind of weekend!

 

As soon as we’d unpacked (she’s a ‘let’s unpack like we’re moving in’ kind of person like I am), we went off exploring the city.  It was so fun and so relaxed.  We had no plan.  Just wandered round, holding hands and enjoying ourselves.  We walked through The Laines and went to the beach.  We went to The Pier.  Oh my goodness!  That was brilliant!  We spent a fortune on rides.  There was this one, right at the end of The Pier called The Crazy Mouse and honestly, I felt sure that we were going to get launched right into the bloody water.  Lisa was terrified!  She kept clinging onto me and screaming.  Tough, DS Swain, scared of a ride.  She was so cute.  I mean, I was a bit scared but I had to pretend I wasn’t so I could protect her.  Oh, she was adorable.  And I did not mind her clinging onto me.  I never mind her clinging onto me!

 

We went to the arcades too.  Wow, she is competitive!  We played Air Hockey and she nearly knocked a kid out, sending the puck flying across the room.  Then I thought she was going to knock me out when I won!  But again, I found her little tantrum adorable.  I find everything about her adorable.

 

She’d booked us dinner at a vegetarian restaurant (when in Brighton!) called Terre a Terre.  She was a bit nervous, in case I wouldn’t like it and hurriedly explained that it had really amazing reviews.  I pointed out that if I was up for being flexible with my sexuality, I was probably fine with being flexible with my food, which seemed to amuse her sufficiently.  And the reviews were right.  The food was incredible.  I’d 100% go back there.  The staff were lovely too.  I honestly feel so spoilt this weekend.  Lisa is being so lovely.  She will hardly let me pay for anything, as much as I keep trying.  She said she’s saved up and this was her treat for me.

 

We ventured to Kemp Town after dinner and went to some of the gay bars there.  It wasn’t as fun as we’d hoped it would be, being that I couldn’t have a drink and Lisa was abstaining.  We were also massively full from dinner!  But we did go to a few different places like R Bar and some of the others along the main St James’s Street.  It was nice getting to soak up the atmosphere.  I’d like to do that in Manchester.  It’s not that I’ve not been.  It’s just I’ve always done it as an ‘ally’ before.  It hits different now.

 

When we got back to the B&B, we had an amazing night.  I told her I’d packed our sex toys.  She told me she knew because she’d intended to pack them and I’d got there first!  She also said she’d brought her handcuffs – just in case I was a bad girl over the weekend.  Well, I was most definitely a bad girl last night!  And I was suitably punished.  Oh my word!  It was amazing!  Yeah, I am loving this dirty weekend away.  Brighton is scoring highly for me!  I just hope the walls aren’t too thin because we made a hell of a lot of noise.  We kind of got carried away, knowing we didn’t have a stroppy teenager next door and fully forgot there were other people in the building.  We haven’t been down for breakfast but hopefully there weren’t any complaints.  Honestly, the number of times that woman made me come last night…  And again this morning!

 

It wasn’t all orgasms, of course.  One of the things I was hoping for most this weekend was a proper chance to talk.  We haven’t properly talked about what happened with Rob.  We’ve put the conversation on the back burner all this time.  It’s been easier this way.  Dealing with Betsy.  Dealing with everything else around us.  But we’ve known we need to deal with what actually happened in that house.  So, last night we actually talked about it.  We held each other.  We talked.  We cried.  We shared how scared we’d both been.  For ourselves.  Mostly, for each other.  We talked about the things Rob and I had shared about our childhood.  I’ve been worried it had clouded her opinion of me.  It hadn’t at all.  She told me she loved me completely.  She said that despite the shooting, she still wouldn’t hesitate to rush in again in the same situation.  She would still put her life on the line to save mine.  She’d give her life for mine.  Because she loves me.  She’d do anything for me.  Because I already saved her, she said.  I was confused and asked her what she meant.  She told me that she was at rock bottom a year ago.  She could hardly drag herself out of bed.  She ached with grief.  Then I got into her car.  I saw her.  I listened.  I cared.  I gave her friendship.  Love.  She said she would never stop being grateful for the way I love her.

 

Lisa

 

4^th May 2025

10:30

 

Carla and I are having an amazing weekend.  It has been so long since I did something like this.  I’m sure Carla and Peter had loads of little weekends away but the last time Becky and I managed to get away somewhere…  I think we went to Glasgow, maybe about seven years ago?  We had a massive argument while we were there and didn’t speak for most of the time.  We basically spent the weekend doing everything separately.  Yeah.  It wasn’t great.

 

So, I’ve felt a lot of pressure, excitement and anxiety about this weekend.  I’ve desperately wanted it to go well.  I’ve felt hopeful, as Carla and I have a very different relationship to me and Becky.  We don’t really argue.  Rarely a cross word and even if we do, it’s sorted out very quickly.  I mean, Carla could have really kicked off about how everything’s been with Betsy recently.  It’s been very hurtful for her, I know.  But she’s been so patient.  So kind.  So lovely.  Because that’s exactly what she is.

 

I’ve been going out of my way to spoil her.  I even booked First Class seats on the train and I’ve done it for the way home too.  She was really surprised and really pleased.  She liked my little packed lunch too.  We cuddled up together and watched films on the iPad.

 

She seemed thrilled with the B&B.  It is really nice.  The owners are nice.  They’re a female couple.  They’ve been very friendly, although we’re both a bit shy about going downstairs this morning as we got quite carried away and we think we might have made enough noise to warrant complaints.  I just wanted her so much.  Desperately.  I couldn’t leave her alone.  I wanted to make her orgasm again and again.  And she clearly wanted to do same for me.  Mouths.  Fingers.  Toys.  Cuffs.  Everything.  It was amazing.  We collapsed on top of each other.  Breathless.  Talked long into the night.  Finally discussed the hostage situation with Rob.  We’d put it on the back burner all this time.  Let everything else get in the way like it didn’t matter.  How scared we both were.  Physically.  Emotionally.  Pledged our love.  Our commitment.  Devotion.  Fell asleep in each other’s arms.  Woke up and started all over again this morning like sleep had been a mere interruption.  This is exactly why we needed our break.  To forget all the problems, the stress and have time to just focus on each other.

 

Sex aside, we had a lovely day yesterday.  We explored the city.  Played on The Pier.  Carla dragged me on a bloody scary ride called the Crazy Mouse.  I honestly thought I was going to die!  I had to cling onto her the whole time!  But I think she kind of liked it.  We played in the arcades too, which was fun, even if she did beat me at Air Hockey. 

 

We had a lovely dinner in a vegetarian restaurant I’d had recommended to me by a colleague who’d transferred to Brighton.  I’d read lots of reviews online to back up her recommendation.  And the restaurant lived up to the hype.  It was incredible!  Carla seemed to really enjoy it.  She said she’d like to go back ‘when we come back to Brighton’.  So, I’m glad our trip is a success so far.

 

We ventured over to Kemp Town for a bit and tried a few of the bars.  We were both a bit full of food and also, it’s a bit of a different experience when you can’t drink!  So we didn’t stay that long.  But it was nice to go.  Perhaps another thing ‘when’ we come back here.  Carla was also talking about venturing out when we get home.  I’d like that.  Something I haven’t really done enough.  Not for a long time anyway.

 

Lisa

 

4^th May 2025

22:40

 

We are lying in bed, watching some TV and both writing our diaries.  It’s been a lovely day.  We ventured out of our room (to a raised eyebrow from one of the owners but thankfully no complaints) and went for a lovely walk along the seafront.  We went to see the West Pier, which has all but fallen into the sea now.  Apparently it caught fire several times, years ago.  In its place, a new, massive tower, called the i360 has been built.  It’s massive and it gives you an incredible view of the whole city.  So I bought us tickets for that.  It was so cool!

 

We went for the most amazing roast dinner at the Lion and Lobster.  It’s one of those unremarkable pubs on a side street.  You’d walk past it without so much as noticing it was there really but the food!  Oh my goodness.  Neither of us could finish it.  Wow!

 

It was a case of rolling ourselves back to the B&B.  Thankfully it wasn’t far!  We were so full, we couldn’t even have sex, which had been the original plan.  We fell asleep for a bit.  When we woke up, we decided to have a bath.  Carla left me in bed while she made it all lovely with bubbles and candles.  She even went downstairs and bought some drinks (non-alcoholic for her) from the little bar they have.  I did tell her to get non booze for me too in solidarity but she bought me some lager anyway, which was nice of her.  And she sat at the tap end.  I mean, that’s love.  Well, she didn’t stay at the tap end for long, of course.  I turned her around quick enough, so she could lie in my arms.  Then my hands wandered a little.  I mean, she was naked, wet and lying in my arms.  I’m only human.

 

We got out of the bath and took it to the bedroom.  It was a bit less… wild than last night but no less amazing.  I love being with her.  I love everything about her.  I’m so glad we’ve come away this weekend.  So glad I’ve been able to treat her and make her happy.

 

Carla

 

4^th May 2025

10:40pm

 

It’s been another amazing day.  We spent a lot of it on the seafront.  We went to see the wreck of the West Pier.  And Lisa bought us tickets to go on the i360, which was really cool.  We could see the whole city from so high!  And there was a bar!  We were up in the sky, looking out at the sea, the sea, drinking… well, mocktails, actually because I’m having to be sober.  I told Lisa to order an actual cocktail but she refused.  She’s refused all weekend, although I did sneakily get her some lager for our bath this evening.

 

We had the most amazing roast dinner I think I’ve ever eaten.  I was so full and I probably only managed to eat half of it.  Lisa must have done so much research for this trip.  I am so impressed.  Honestly, this food was just… wow.  It was a struggle to get back to the B&B, we were so full.  We ended up having a Nanna Nap! Both of us, passed out for two hours just because we were full of potatoes and Yorkshire Puddings.  It was so worth it though.  My goodness, it was good!  When we come back here, we definitely have to go back there.  And to Terre a Terre.  That place was amazing too!

 

I woke up first.  And laugh at me all you like but I spent about ten minutes just watching Lisa sleep.  She was completely crashed out, hair all messy.  She wasn’t quite snoring but she was breathing more heavily that she normally does.  She was flat on her back – exhausted from eating too much.  So was I!  And for once, she just looked so peaceful.  She normally has so much on her mind.  Especially recently.  She’s always so stressed with work and now all this stuff with Betsy.  She struggles to sleep.  She’s often up early, although I do have my ways of coaxing her into staying in bed…  Even when were just chilling in front of the TV, I can see her mind whirring at a mile a minute.  But watching her this afternoon, she was completely crashed out.  Completely relaxed.  And so beautiful.  I mean, is it legal for someone to be that beautiful?  No wonder she turned me!  I’m genuinely surprised she doesn’t have women fainting at her feet.  She is so incredibly gorgeous.  I think back now, to before we properly knew each other.  Back when I just knew her as DS Swain.  We kept bumping into each other.  Like, when I saw her bra shopping and I was inappropriately interested in what she’d bought!  I remember writing in here constantly about how pretty she was, how fascinating I found her.  And now it all makes so much sense, doesn’t it?

 

Anyway, after she woke up, we had a little cuddle.  Then I ran us a bath.  I even sat at the tap end.  For a bit. Before she made me move so she could cuddle me.  And fondle my boobs quite a lot.  Not that I had any objection whatsoever!  Especially when her hand slipped a bit lower!  Yeah, it was a lovely bath!

 

We got out and made love on the bed.  It was gentler than this morning and last night.  Not better but more… intimate somehow?  Last night was handcuffs and dildos and wondering if we were going to break the bed kind of sex.  It was HOT!  Tonight was lots of kissing, the kind of eye contact that makes orgasms even more intense.  It was slow.  It was saying ‘I love you’ as you come right at the same time.  It was beautiful.

 

It might have taken me nearly fifty years to find her but Lisa Swain is the love of my life.  She is my whole world.  I can see us getting married one day.  Buying a home together.  Growing old together.  All of it.  I liked the idea of it with other people.  I even wanted it with some of them.  But I never truly saw it.  Either because I didn’t love them or I knew they didn’t love me.  Or we did but deep down I knew they’d never stay.  But I love Lisa and I know she loves me so completely.  There’s no darkness there, like there has been with other people.  It’s not to say neither of us have brokenness.  We do.  I’ve been dragged through plenty of trauma and she definitely has.  But our love… it’s something pure.  It’s something honest.  It’s something that anchors us through difficult times. 

 

I used to think that Peter was my true love.  A year ago, I still hoped we’d find our way back to each other eventually.  But all that’s gone now.  I’m not saying it wasn’t love.  It was.  For years.  But there was darkness there.  Co-dependency.  We used each other as a crutch until we dragged each other down.  And we did it so many times.  Setting him free was the best thing I ever did – for both of us.  I hear from Simon often.  He’s happy.  He says Peter is too.  I’ve told him all about Lisa so presumably he’s passed it onto Peter by now.  I hope he’s happy for me like I am for him.

 

But mostly… I’m happy for myself.  I’m so happy that I found this beautiful, wonderful woman who has completely changed my life.  I know how lucky I am to have her.  She is everything.

 

Carla

 

5^th May 2025

5:51pm

 

We are in our posh seats on the train home.  We’re nearly back.  I’m genuinely sad to be leaving Brighton behind.  We’re going away again in July but it feels very far away right now, knowing we’ve got weeks of work and parenting ahead of us.  I loved being in our happy bubble by the sea.

 

We happened upon a lovely, little café this morning.  Not dissimilar to Roy’s.  The owner was so nice.  So friendly.  And all the customers knew her.  The place was called Belcher’s!  It was right near the pub we went to yesterday.  We had a proper breakfast to set us up for the day.  Oh and get this!  I recognised it from being in the series, Grace! 

 

I swear, all this food Lisa’s given me, I must have put on a stone!  Although, I have done quite a lot of exercise and not just from walking around the city…

 

We had a really nice time exploring until our train.  We went to The Pavillion and the other Laines, where we bought some presents for Betsy and Ryan.  And… ourselves.  Because we accidentally wandered into a sex shop!  Oh, it was bloody hilarious!  We had such a laugh walking round.  So yeah, we have a new toy to go home with and I’m very excited to get home and play with it!

 

It has been such an incredible weekend.  From start to finish, not that it’s even finished yet.  They say going away together is a real test of a relationship but I would say Lisa and I have passed with flying colours.  We didn’t have a single cross word.  Everything was so lovely.  So happy.  I feel more connected to her than ever.

 

Lisa

 

5^th May 2025

17:51

 

We are on the train home.  I am so sad that the weekend is over.  I could have stayed there a week at least.  I’m not sure my bank balance could have afforded it, to be fair.  But my heart definitely could have.  Rolling around with Carla on that massive bed.  Enjoying that bath.  That rainfall shower.  Oh, it was bliss.

 

She makes me so incredibly happy.

 

We had a really nice day exploring.  Including her dragging me into a bloody sex shop!  When in Brighton, I suppose!  We even bought something!  I’m quite keen to try it out when we get home.  It’s a double ended vibrator, so we can use it… together.  The woman in the shop said it’s really popular.  That we should… enjoy it.  And also feel very connected when we do.  So, yeah, looking forward to bedtime!

 

We bought Ryan and Betsy some gifts.  Obviously not from that shop.  We went to The Pavillion too, which was nice.  It was just a lovely weekend.  Oh!  And we found Brighton’s answer to Roy’s Rolls.  It was this cute little café called Belcher’s, run by this lovely woman.  It’s even been featured on that series Grace.  Carla likes it but she’s banned me from being in the room when she watches it because I complain too ‘aggressively’ that the series is too different from the books.  But anyway, Carla was very excited about it.

 

So, we’re on our way home.  I’m half disappointed to be leaving Brighton and half excited to be going to bed with Carla and our new toy…

 

Lisa

 

6^th May 2025

13:00

 

The toy was…  Well, I am very glad Carla dragged me in there ‘for a laugh’.  Last night was amazing.

 

We grabbed a pizza on our way back to eat with Ryan and Betsy.  They wanted to hear all about our trip, stipulating that they didn’t want to hear any naughty bits and that they suffered enough at home.  Carla joked that we couldn’t tell them anything then, which of course made everyone tease me because I turned bright red.  I swear, that woman loves nothing better than embarrassing me!

 

Ryan then had to break the news that Julie had died earlier in the day.  Carla was devastated.  I feel terribly guilty.  We were booked to go for dinner with her and Brian this week.  To make up for me not going to the Bingo.  And now it’s too late.  I never would have met her properly.  I’ve let her down.  I feel so bad.

 

We finished dinner and claimed to be knackered so went off to bed.  It’s the first time I think I’ve ever not bothered to unpack.  I wasn’t sure if Julie’s death was going to derail our plans and of course, I would have understood.  Carla was so upset, especially as she hadn’t said a proper goodbye to her.

 

But she pounced on me as soon as we closed the door.  The only thing we got out of the bag was the vibrator and the new lube we’d bought.  I checked that she definitely wanted to go ahead, reassured her that I was more than happy with just a kiss and a cuddle, that I understood she was grieving.  She said she definitely wanted to go ahead.  She’d been looking forward to it all day and she really wanted to be with me.

 

We kissed for ages.  I love kissing her so much.  She’s the best kisser ever.  I’m not inexperienced or anything.  I know I was with one woman for a long time but I kissed plenty before Becky.  But Carla…  It’s like an actual skill!  Sometimes I worry I might orgasm just from being kissed by her, she’s that good.  Even thinking about it now is making me get a bit hot.

 

And thinking about last night…  Yeah, last night…

 

We were both a bit giggly.  A bit nervous.  It was new for us both.  But we managed.  Lots of teasing.  Lots of playing.  Pushing it inside her.  Making sure she was comfortable.  She was sitting on the bed, legs apart, waiting for me.  Guided me down onto my end.  So we were pressed together.  Facing each other.  Wrapped around each other.  Mouth to mouth.  Breast to breast.  My legs, wrapped around her waist.  Clits so incredibly close.

 

Then she turned it on and I thought I was going to explode right there and then.  We kissed and gasped together.  The woman in the shop was right.  It was so intense.  Being together.  Coming together.  Like that. We cried out into each other’s mouths.  I took both her nipples and sucked so hard.  She bit down on my shoulder hard enough to leave a mark.  Left claw marks on my back.

 

And we didn’t stop there.  We kept going and going, long after we’d cast the toy aside.  We only stopped when Betsy started banging on the door, complaining about the noise!

 

It has been incredibly difficult to concentrate today.  Not just because of that but just because I’ve missed Carla so much after spending the last three days with her.  I’ve wanted her company.  Her smile.  Her laugh.  Her touch.  I’m counting down the hours until I get to see her tonight.  Until I get to take her to bed.  Yeah, I’d say that toy was a hit!

 

Carla

 

6^th May 2025

2:04pm

 

Julie died yesterday.  We found out when we got home.  It kind of put a dent in our amazing weekend.  We were meant to go for dinner with her and Brian this week.  Lisa had wanted to make up for missing the Bingo.  Wanted to make the effort to get to know her because she knew she was important to me.  And now it’s too late.  And I didn’t get the chance to say a proper goodbye.

 

I’m trying not to think about it all.  I’ve just kind of thrown myself into Lisa.  She was worried about me last night, kept checking I was okay.  But I truly just wanted to be with her, like we’d been planning all day.  We spent time with the kids (yes, I consider Ryan to be one of the kids) and then sloped off to our room to try out our new toy.

 

Now I’m at work and I can’t concentrate.  I am this close to going home and snapping some sexy photos to try and drag Lisa back home from work.  I don’t know what this weekend has done to me but I feel like I’m on bloody heat!  And that toy we used last night…  Oh my goodness!  The woman in the shop was not messing about when she said it was intense.  After a LOT of foreplay (and some main play), we straddled each other’s hips, so we were sat facing each other on the bed, each with an end inside us.

 

I was so excited.  I was worried that Lisa would laugh at me for how excited I was.  But of course, she didn’t.  I should know by now that she never would.  With Lisa, I’m completely safe.  Completely loved.  Plus, she was as into it as I was.  She was wet and eager, which only got me even more excited!

 

It was amazing, when we turned the toy on and it vibrated through both of us at the same time.  While we were looking into each other’s eyes.  While we were kissing.  Touching.  So deeply connected.  It made our orgasms so much more intense.  I couldn’t stop touching her.  We just kept kissing.  She sucked my nipples SO HARD!  I actually bit her shoulder and left a mark.  She seemed to quite like it.  I did kiss it better though.

 

We came at the same time, clinging to each other.  It was incredible.  Well, everything with Lisa is incredible.  She laid me down afterwards, buried herself between my legs, just with her tongue.  Made me come over and over again.  Then it was my turn.  We would have gone all night, I think.  We only stopped when Betsy rather rudely banged on the door and complained that she was going to be exhausted in the morning if she didn’t get some sleep.  Oops.

 

So, Betsy should still be at college now.  I really want to summon Lisa home…

 

Next time... Eileen is accused of ending Julie's life, Carla marks Hayley's birthday and Carla makes some staff changes at The Rovers...

Chapter 45: New Management

Lisa

 

7^th May 2025

15:34

 

Well, I ended up being summoned home early yesterday.  I was sat at my desk, getting on with my paperwork when my phone went off.  I had a WhatsApp from Carla that nearly made me faint!  She’d left work, gone home, changed into this gorgeous underwear set that she knows I LOVE on her.  And sent me a photo.  She was lying on the bed, hair all loose, expression all sultry.  Bra accentuating her amazing boobs.

 

Thankfully, I was in the office by myself!  My face would have given everything away!

 

I phoned her.  She seemed very smug over getting my attention!  She asked if I might be able to get home or would she have to reach into the bedside drawer and take care of herself?  I told her to wait for me.  And honestly, I’ve never packed up my desk so fast in my life.  I hardly even remember getting home!

 

But she did wait for me.  She was lying there, looking delighted when I came in.  She said she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about me all day, that it had been driving her to distraction.  I asked her how she thought I’d coped between getting that photo and getting home.

 

Suffice to say, we had a lovely afternoon!  Much better than doing paperwork.  I’ll be honest - I’m not even sorry.

 

It’s been a full on day today though.  We had Mick Michaelis in custody when we came in this morning.  He hospitalised a bloke, beating him up in the car park of The Dog and Gun last night.  There are witnesses to them arguing in the pub but nothing from the car park itself, although the victim has ID’d him.  He’s got some bad injuries and very much wants to press charges.  I don’t bloody blame him.

 

I set Kit on the case and I’m still puzzled as to what he actually did with it.  He let Mick go, for starters.  He claims there was no evidence.  The officer who sat in on the interview, wasn’t happy with how he conducted it, although he defended himself to me.  I’ve accepted it for now but I’m not convinced.  Kit’s normally a rottweiler with these things.  Why would he go soft on a thug like Mick?  There is always a reason with Kit.  Usually a reason that protects or benefits himself.  I’m definitely going to keep an eye on that situation.

 

Anyway, I now have the delightful task of interviewing Eileen Grimshaw on suspicion of murdering her sister, Julie.  Who we never got the chance to have dinner with.  It was booked for tonight but obviously we can’t do it now.  I asked Carla if she wanted to just cancel the whole thing but she thought it would be nice to still do something, the two of us.  So I went and changed the table to the two of us.  I feel terrible about it all now.  I know it was really important to Carla that I met her.  I should have made more effort.  I let her down. 

 

And now I’m letting her down all over again by having to investigate her death like this.  Even if Eileen did help her end her life, what good would it do anyone to prosecute it?  She her terminal cancer.  She should be allowed to make those decisions for herself.  And if she had help, well, I don’t want to jail someone for loving someone that deeply.  But I also have to do my job, even if I don’t always like it.

 

Carla

 

7^th May 2025

5:30pm

 

Today would have been Hayley’s birthday.  I still can’t believe it’s been so many years since we lost her.  All the things she’s missed.  We’ve really needed her this past year.  Everything that happened to Roy.  She would have fought so hard for him.  She wouldn’t have given poor Lisa a moment’s peace, pleading his case, making her listen.  And I wonder what she would have made of me and Lisa.  I think, once she’d got over the whole Roy thing, she would have been supportive.  She was so compassionate.  She loving.  Just like Roy.  She would have taken the time to get to know her as a person.  She would have wanted me to be happy and seen that Lisa is the one who makes that possible.

 

I had a crazy day at work so I only just managed to get out to Roy’s to see him.  He was really stressed.  Not because of missing Hayley, although obviously we spent time talking about her, as we do every year, but because Brian went to the police and told them that Eileen killed Julie!  I mean, what is the bastard playing at?!  Something about finding medication in Julie’s washbag?  It’s obviously brought up memories for Roy, although that’s not something Brian would know about, I suppose.  I just hope that whatever happened, Eileen’s okay.  She’s already grieving.  She doesn’t need to be dragged into the police station as well! Especially if it’s in front of someone like Kit, who would have no compassion whatsoever, I’m sure.  There’s something about that guy.  I can’t put my finger on it.

 

Lisa and I were meant to be having dinner with Julie and Brian tonight.  We decided to still go out, just the two of us, to The Bistro anyway.  I’m glad we decided not to still invite Brian!  I mean, we weren’t that keen on seeing Brian anyway, to be honest.  He’s fine.  Well, he was fine until he got Eileen arrested.  But we don’t really have anything in common with him.  He’s a bit… pompous.  But we were happy to spend the evening with him for Julie’s sake.  Now she’s not here, I think I’d rather spend the evening flirting with Lisa across a starter and main course instead.  Maybe take her home for dessert if I’m lucky…

 

Carla

 

8^th May 2025

12:07pm

 

So, it wasn’t Kit who interviewed Eileen yesterday.  It was Lisa.  I was absolutely horrified.  And I really didn’t think before I spoke.  I launched into a full scale rant about ‘how dare she’ and ‘how could she’ and properly treated her like she was the enemy.  Like she’d chosen to arrest her.  Like she wanted to interrogate her over Julie’s death.  She was just sat there, blinking at me with those beautiful, doe eyes of hers, listening to me rant about how she thought I was different to other coppers.  Did she have any evidence that Julie even killed herself?  That Eileen even knew about it if she did?

 

Then she said, “Have we gone back to May 2024 and I’m sat here listening to you having a go at me for being shit at my job because I thought I was having dinner with the woman I loved?”

 

Yeah, that hurt.  I immediately apologised.  She was looking all tough, like she was pissed off, unfazed but I saw it.  The sadness in her eyes.  The sadness that I’d put there.  And that killed me.  It still kills me.  Because I was the one, wasn’t I?  I was the one who saw through DS Swain.  I was the one who saw Lisa.  I stopped shouting at her about work.  We made that connection.  We became friends.  We fell in love.  And in one fell swoop last night, I reverted back to where we started.  I didn’t even give her a chance to speak.  I just accused her of harassing Eileen.  Of disbelieving her.  Of judging her.

 

I tried to explain that it had been a rough day but everything came out as flimsy excuses.  I could see her doing what she does when she’s upset.  Retreating into herself.  Protecting herself.

 

She said she understood.  I was grieving for Julie.  And she wasn’t trying to make that harder for me.  But if I complaint comes in, she has no choice but to investigate, no matter what her personal opinions are.

 

I said it wasn’t just Julie.  I told her it was Hayley’s birthday today and I barely got to spend any time with Roy.  She was kind then and held my hand across the table.  She said I should have invited him to dinner.  That it’s been ages since we spent an evening with him.  I said he wouldn’t have been in the mood for it.  Brian’s complaint has upset him too.

 

Then I asked her what her personal opinions are.  I just… needed to know.

 

She didn’t answer for a while.  She finished her starter.  Sipped her wine.  She said in the circumstances, if Julie made the decision to end her life on her terms, she understood it.  If Eileen helped her, she wouldn’t be rushing to find evidence to prove it.  She doesn’t see how punishing someone for loving someone so much that they would help them in that way, adds to the situation.

 

I blurted out that Hayley ended her life.  That nobody really knows about it.  Just a couple of us.  Roy didn’t help her but he was there.  I found out about it afterwards, although the day she died, I felt like something was off.  That’s why I went upstairs to check on them.

 

It was a risk, telling her.  But it kind of felt like it wasn’t.  I trust her implicitly.  And she told me openly how she feels about the subject.  She still had my hand and she squeezed it.  Kissed it.  Thanked me for trusting her.  I told her I knew I could trust her with everything, anything, that I love her.

 

She asked me to tell her more about Hayley.  So, I did.  Went talked about her most of the night.  About how brave she was.  How kind.  How supportive she would have been of us.  How much she would have liked Lisa.  That she wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at me dating a woman.  I even told her about Tony Gordon, about how he nearly killed us both.  Even Lisa was a bit shocked by that.  Sometimes, I wonder, with all these little bits of my past that I throw into conversation sometimes, that she might say, actually, you’re a bit complicated for me!  But then she looks at me with those eyes that I could lose myself in forever and I know she won’t.  I’m hers and she’s mine.

 

We went back home and she held me all night.  No sex.  Just the loveliest cuddle.  I apologised again for being so harsh with her.  She kissed me and told me she loved me.  Told me if I wasn’t so cute, she’d be cranky.  That made me smile.  It felt lovely to share Hayley with her.  She listened to all my stories.  Then soothed me to sleep. 

 

I am so deeply in love with her.

 

Lisa

 

8^th May 2025

12:44

 

Yesterday wasn’t the greatest day.  I interviewed Eileen.  I hated every second of it.  I was apologetic.  But I couldn’t be too soft.  I had to be thorough.

 

Basically, Julie’s partner had found Eileen’s prescription medication in Julie’s washbag and concluded that Eileen had helped Julie to end her life.  I mean, she could have just taken the medication.  Eileen might have known nothing about it.  She seemed genuine enough to me.  Her grief got to me, actually.  She said she would never have left her to die alone.  And I just kept thinking about Bex.  She and I lived so many years together and then because of that stupid argument, she was left to die alone on the side of the road, while I was asleep at home, drunk.  I mean, it’s not very dignified, is it?  Me, I mean.  Not her.

 

Eileen said that Julie had never mentioned wanting to end her life.  They’d gone for a nice day out.  Julie wanted a cup of tea so Eileen went off to get it.  When she came back, Julie had died.  I could kill Brian myself.  Julie’s family would have been able to lay her to rest, all assuming her cause of death was cancer.  If she ended her life, she obviously set it up so that nobody would have suspected.  She would have had no intention of anyone getting into trouble for it, especially her sister, who she was clearly devoted to. 

 

I’ve let Eileen go, pending enquiries.  I’m not eager to find any evidence that she did anything she shouldn’t have done.  If I can find anything that rules her out, I will.  I just have to tread carefully, as I don’t want to find something incriminating in the process.  However, I did genuinely believe her when she was talking today.  I was upset for her, although obviously I couldn’t show it.  The only person I can show it to is Carla.

 

And that’s why she upset me last night.  She’d heard about Eileen’s arrest.  Then when I said I’d had to interview her, she launched at me like it was a year earlier and I’d locked Roy up.  I understand why a bit more now but it hurt that she had no faith in me.  The way she spoke to me… it was like she genuinely thought I was some kind of evil copper, eager to lock Eileen up and throw away the key, just for loving her sister.

 

She did apologise though.  She wanted to know my thoughts.  I shared them.  Then she told me how Hayley really died.  Evidently, it’s not common knowledge.  It wasn’t the cancer that took her, it was suicide.  Roy was there but not a participant.  Carla is one of the few people in his confidence about it – after the fact, not before.

 

We spent pretty much the whole evening talking about Hayley.  It would have been her birthday today.  Carla absolutely lit up, talking about her.  We have talked about her before but not in so much depth.  She shared so many stories.  About how they got to know each other, working at the factory, before Carla even owned the place.  About Carla supporting her through her gender reassignment surgery.  Her cancer.  How Hayley supported her through so many losses and trauma.  How she stepped up as a best friend.  How she and Roy were the kind of parental figures that Carla had never really had.  She casually dropped in how she (Carla) was once married to a psychopath, who held her and Hayley hostage.  The last conversation she and Hayley ever had, Hayley thanked her for saving her life, for stopping this Tony bloke from killing her, giving her extra years to live a happy life before the cancer took her.

 

There is so much I’ve yet to learn about Carla Connor.  And honestly?  I can’t wait.

 

We didn’t have sex last night.  For the first time in a while.  We just curled up in bed together.  Kisses and cuddles and soft words.  It was lovely.  The night might not have started great but it ended nicely.  Me and her.  Together.

 

Carla

 

13^th May 2025

10:45am

 

Jenny has walked out of The Rovers with no notice.  She has not taken kindly to me taking control of the place or to selling it.  I was hoping that Ryan would take over as managing but he’s jumped ship already!  He’s obviously worried about losing his job imminently and accepted a full time job with Debbie at the hotel, where he’ll get to do a bit more than bar work.  He says it feels a bit more like career progression and also, he feels like he’ll get to support her now she’s had this Dementia diagnosis. 

 

I was so shocked when I heard about it.  I haven’t spent a lot of time with her lately but we used to have a good laugh together before.  I guess I’ve just been a bit caught up with Lisa and Betsy and everything recently.

 

With Ryan out of the running, he suggested Glenda for the job and I decided to give her a go.  I am not sure it was my wisest choice!  She’s been in charge for less than a day and she’s already turned the place into a wild karaoke bar!  I took Ryan, Bobby and Betsy for a drink this afternoon and Glenda was living her best life!  I mean, some people seemed to be enjoying it…  I didn’t hate it.  But we definitely couldn’t stay.  I left amid some snarky words with Jenny, who was loving Glenda running riot under my new management.  It pisses me off because she seems to have completely forgotten that SHE STOLE MY FUCKING MONEY!  Oh and Daisy has also fucked off now.  Vanished.  She robbed Jenny’s £60K, distributed some – none to me and none to Jenny – and skipped off into the sunset, if you please!  I always knew she was a cow.  Good riddance.

 

It was actually Bobby’s birthday yesterday (I forgot).  He has decided to go and see Simon in Tenerife.  It’s funny, really.  This time last year, I was desperate for any snippet of news, as to where Peter was and what he was doing.  Now, I don’t care.  That sounds harsh.  I don’t mean it like that.  I just mean… it doesn’t affect me.  I keep in touch with Simon regularly, so I know where he is.  He sends updates, including pictures.  His Dad’s even in some of them.  But I just don’t have the kind of reaction I would have had a year ago.

 

After we abandoned the pub, I took the kids to The Bistro for dinner.  I called Lisa and asked her to join us.  Luckily, she was just finishing work, so she was able to join us for a lovely, family dinner.  We all eagerly filled her in on the chaos at the pub, which she found hilarious.  Ryan complained to her that he hadn’t been invited on the lads’ holiday with Bobby and Simon.  He’s being discriminated against because he’s too good looking and the boys don’t think they’ll be able to pull if he’s around which, to be fair, is true.  Lisa said she used to hate it when she was younger and all her mates pulled and she didn’t.  I gave her a look that said I didn’t believe a word of it.

 

When we got to bed, I couldn’t stop watching her while she was getting changed.  She stopped and asked me what I was looking at, so I pulled her onto my lap.

“You totally pulled,” I said.

She smirked at me then and kissed me.  Told me she was trying to make Bobby feel better.  I told her she was kind.  She told me I was hot.  And well, you can guess what happened next…

 

Lisa

 

13^th May 2025

13:03

 

I had a long day at work but just as I was finishing, Carla called and invited me to join her and all three kids (when did I end up with two adult boys as well as my teenage girl?) in The Bistro.

 

We had a really nice evening together.  It was Bobby’s birthday (I didn’t know and Carla forgot!)  He’s going to have a holiday in Tenerife with Simon, who has just docked there with his Dad.  Sometimes I wonder how Carla feels when Peter is mentioned.  Like, it’s different for me, if Becky is brought up.  It’s grief.  It’s knowledge that we didn’t end on purpose.  That she’s never coming back.  Carla and Peter divorced.  It was on purpose.  He could come back.  I mean, what would I do if he came home and decided he wanted them to try again?  What would she do?  Would she leave me?  When he comes up in conversation, which to be fair, is rare, does she get a twinge of regret?  Does she wish he was still here with her?  I can’t even bear to ask.  I’m not sure I want the answer.  I just want to be happy.  Now.  It’s not like she’s ever given me reason to doubt her.  She’s been committed to me right from the start.

 

We had a lovely night together last night.  She kept teasing me about my conquests when I was younger.  I’d tried to play them down to make Bobby feel better about himself, when he was feeling inferior to Ryan at dinner.  But in the bedroom, she was being so complimentary.  Flattering me.  Kissing me.  And one thing led to another and… well, you know where it ends…

 

Carla

 

14^th May 2025

8:55pm

 

Well, it’s not been the day I was expecting.  But I am finally curled up on the sofa with Lisa.  She’s got a white wine and I’ve got a (boring) soft drink and we’re listening to Dido on Spotify.  And honestly, there is nothing lovelier than having my tiny, blonde police officer in my arms, both of us writing our diaries and lazing around.

 

So, Glenda came to see me at the factory this morning, pitching the idea of me hiring her (singing) friend at the pub.  I said no.  As politely as I could.  I even did it in song lyrics so she could understand me clearly.  And offered to put in a good word with the new owners if she does a good job as manager.

 

I went over to Roy’s at lunch time, to grab a coffee and a sandwich because Lisa and I both forgot to make anything today.  We’ve not been very organised recently!  I got the shock of my life when I walked in, just as Betsy and Lauren were in the middle of a huge row and Lauren accidentally squirted Roy (intending to get Betsy) with ketchup!  I was NOT impressed.  I mean, it was a little bit funny.  The state of poor Roy.  Stoic throughout the whole thing, of course.

 

I made the girls help me sort him out.  Told them off.  Sent Betsy home.  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her run so fast.  They said they were arguing over a lad.  I’m not 100% sure I believe them but I’ll leave it.  For now.

 

And after everything, Roy still advocated for Lauren.  I mentioned that I was understaffed at both the factory and the pub.  Apparently she had mentioned looking for work.  So, against my better judgement, I’ve given her a trial shift at the pub.

 

The pub was chaos, of course.  Glenda was doing some insane promotion with pickles.  I didn’t even bother to listen to it, to be honest.  She was a bit put out that I’d brought Lauren in when I’d said no to her friend.  But I don’t care because I’m the boss.  I left Lauren in Glenda, Sean and Gemma’s capable hands.  Of course, when I came back later, Sean and Gemma were on their break, Lauren was alone behind the bar and Glenda was SINGING FUCKING KARAOKE! 

 

I had no choice but to put Glenda on a warning and take the bloody machine away.  That woman is a law unto herself!  I like her.  A great deal.  She’s funny.  She’s kind.  And she livens the pub up a lot.  A bit too much, actually.  However, The Rovers is a backstreet boozer on Coronation Street, not a karaoke bar on Canal Street!  I don’t mind a sing-song (as long as I’m not sing-songing) every now and again.  Even once a week.  But not every flippin’ day!

 

Ooh, Lisa has finished writing already.  Ooh, she’s giving me a foot massage!  What on earth did I do to deserve that?!

 

Lisa

 

14^th May 2025

20:55

 

I’ve had a pretty long day, although Carla’s sounds like it was longer!  She had to break up a ketchup fight between Lauren, Betsy and Roy, put Singing Glenda on a warning and risked setting Lauren up on a trial shift in the pub.  And that’s alongside running her actual business.  All I had to deal with was criminals!

 

But we’re both happily at home now, curled up together on the sofa.  For some reason, Carla has had Dido stuck in her head all day (who on earth has had Dido stuck in their head in this Century?!) so we’re listening to the first album (it’s actually better than I remember) and writing our diaries before we watch a bit of TV and go to bed.

 

I don’t have much more to write so I think I might treat Carla to a foot massage.  It sounds like she’s been running round the whole Street all day!  Plus, who knows how I might get rewarded…?

 

Next time... Mick murders Craig, Lisa proposes and Carla snaps at Sarah...

Chapter 46: Murder

Lisa

 

16^th May 2025

20:03

 

It has been a long day and I am so looking forward to the weekend.  We’ve pretty much got nothing planned and while those kinds of weekends used to do my head in, I live for them now.  I used to fill every second of a weekend off.  Usually with work.  I hated that feeling of emptiness, that used to be filled with love and family.  Me and Bex and Betsy.  They were my reward after a long week.  When I made time to show up for them.  I’m ashamed and regretful to say that I didn’t always.

 

But I’m determined not to make that mistake with Carla.  I know there are still times when I work late.  And she is incredibly patient with me.  Never punishes me for it or gives me a hard time.  She actually told me she finds it attractive, that it was one of the things she liked first about me, that I’m so career driven, like she is.  And that was one of the first things I appreciated about her too.  I love visiting her at work and see her, the boss of all she surveys.

 

Despite that, I need to make sure she always knows she matters more to me than work though.  That I’m devoted to her.  That I’m deeply in love with her and would do anything for her.

 

So, tomorrow, I’m hoping for a long lie in.  Then I’m planning breakfast in bed.  Then whatever Carla wants to do with the weekend.  Her wish will be my command.

 

As for my day today…  I signed off on Craig’s placement with CID, which starts on Monday.  He is so excited, bless him.  He was really good last time and I think he’ll be really good again.  I know it’s what he’d like to do for real, become a Detective.  I don’t know if he’ll cut it.  Not because he’s not good but because he’s such a sweetheart and always wants to be please people.  It’s not that you can’t be a nice person.  I hope I’m a nice person.  But you do have to have some steel and I worry for him.  However, he is clever.  He’s observant.  He knows his community incredibly well, better than I do, better than Kit does.  And he has a wonderful way with people.  Something to be admired.  So, when he asked if there was any chance of another placement, I arranged it for him.  He seems really pleased and I hope it’ll be good for him.

 

My only slight regret is that I’ve partnered him with Kit.  They did seem to work well together last time for the most part but I’m not sure Kit’s the kind of Detective I want lovely Craig to turn out like.  It’s not that he isn’t a good Detective; I just don’t like him as a person.  And I don’t think he always goes by the book.  To be fair, I don’t always but there is always a good reason and I would never let someone come to harm or escape justice.

 

I’m also a bit concerned about Kit and Mick, the bloke we arrested for assault the other day.  Kit just let him go.  He brushed it off and made excuses, despite the officer with him flagging it.  But today, I physically had to break up a fight between them.  They were literally brawling in the street.  I ordered Kit back to the flat and demanded to know what he’s playing at.  He didn’t tell me much but I’m not going to let it go.  Mick is clearly dangerous.  If he’s got an issue with Kit or something over him, that’s not okay and it’s not a situation we can afford to let escalate.  Can you imagine what could happen?

 

But I’m not going to stress over it now.  Now, I’ve got a lovely evening and lovely weekend with the woman I love and that’s what matters to me more than anything.

 

Carla

 

16^th May 2025

20:03

 

I have been promised a weekend of doing whatever I want, which is an absolute bonus.  Lisa came in very eager for us to spend a very happy weekend together.  She was very snuggly.  Cooked Betsy and I a delicious dinner.  Told me to look forward to a long lie in and breakfast in bed.  All the relationships I’ve had in my life and I have never been so spoilt as I am with Lisa Swain.

 

Sometimes I worry that she thinks she doesn’t do enough or isn’t enough.  But honestly, that woman is absolutely everything.

 

Carla

 

19^th May 2025

5:30pm

 

I’ve spent today working from home.  I’ve had a shed load of accounts to get sorted by the end of the week and it’s an absolutely mammoth task.  I know it’ll have been chaos at the factory, everyone popping in and wanting things the moment I get into my flow.  So I’ve been at home, phone on silent so I can get properly stuck in.

 

I feel a bit bad because I had a missed call from Lisa earlier.  Obviously, I had my phone on silent so I missed the call.  I did try and call her back but it went to voicemail.  I’m done with work for the day now.  I did consider going to the pub but actually, I think I might run myself a bath and chill for a bit before Lisa comes home.  Maybe we could get ourselves a takeaway and have a nice cosy night in.  Betsy’s at a sleepover tonight.

 

It’s nights like this that I am kind of glad that Ryan offered to move out.  I do miss living with him.  And it’s not like he isn’t here for food at least twice a week.  And breakfast.  And lunch.  And if we had a bigger place, I would have loved him to stay on with us.  But like he said at the time, Lisa and I were just learning to live together in a new relationship, with a teenager.  And everything had just happened with Rob.  We were all getting under each other’s feet.  Nobody was getting any space to themselves.  And it means that tonight, for example, when Lisa gets in from work, we’ll have the whole flat to ourselves because Betsy’s out.  So, yeah, it was the right thing.  Even though I miss him.

 

Lisa

 

19^th May 2025

19:00

 

Craig’s dead.  Murdered.  At work. 

 

I don’t even know where to start. 

 

So I’m just going to go home. 

 

To Carla. 

 

My safe space.  My person.  My heart.

 

Lisa

 

20^th May 2025

10:30

 

I’m not entirely sure where to start.  I don’t really know how to begin to start processing Craig’s murder.  It was that Mick bloke.  The one I was worried about last week.  I keep running over everything in my mind.  All the mistakes I made – last week, yesterday.  If I’d have done something, anything differently, might Craig still be here?

 

And then there’s Carla.  I’ve massively fucked everything up with Carla.

 

I was so upset last night when I came home.  She’d missed everything.  Had no idea that Craig was dead.  She’d seen him grow up from a young boy into a man.  I had to break the news and she was so upset.

 

I was a mess.

 

And I proposed.  I asked her to marry me.

 

And she… said no.  Pretty bluntly, actually.

 

All day I’d been looking forward to coming home to the comfort of her arms and yet, we slept not even touching.  Facing away from each other.  Not because we were angry or upset with each other but because I was embarrassed.  I kind of understand how she felt at New Year when she told me she loved me and I didn’t say it back.

 

But somehow, I don’t think this is going to be rectified in a few days.  She’s not going to be getting down on one knee, saying she does want to marry me after all.

 

Ugh!  Why did I ask?! 

 

It was so stupid. 

 

Not that I didn’t mean it. 

 

I absolutely meant it.  I love her.  I’m desperate to marry her. 

 

But she doesn’t feel the same.  She’s not where I am.  Doesn’t want us to get married.  At this point, I don’t even know if she wants me.  I mean, she tried to speak to me this morning but I practically ran out of the flat. 

 

We’re meant to be going to lunch later but I don’t know if I can face her.

 

My heart is broken.

 

Carla

 

20^th May 2025

10:45am

 

I don’t exactly know which thing to start with first.  Well, one thing prompted the other, I suppose, so I’ll start with that.

 

Craig Tinker died yesterday.  While I was oblivious in the flat, doing my accounts, having my bath, reading my book… Craig had been murdered.  Lisa was in absolute hell all day.  That’s why she rang me.  We’ve not really had much chance to talk about it properly but I imagine it’s brought back a lot of painful memories.  I mean, your wife’s murder doesn’t exactly ever go away, I know.  I see her suffering with the weight of that pain every day and I deeply admire how she holds it together, has allowed herself to move forward with our relationship when she always swore she’d never meet anyone new.  I feel incredibly honoured that she felt I was worthy of being with when she loved Becky so much.  I do know that Becky was ‘the one’.  She was her soulmate.  She was her person.  I know I’ll always be second best and I made my peace with that when we got together.  But that she lets herself love me, lets me love her… it’s an honour I cherish.

 

But I worry about her deeply now.  She looked… haunted, when she came home last night.  I’ve never seen her like that before.  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone like that, actually.  She crumpled in my arms and wept.  I held her.  She told me what happened and I started crying.  I’ve watched that lad grow up from an annoying little kid with a weird pet rat to a wonderful young man.  Lisa was so proud of him last week when she was finally able to tell him she’d arranged him CID placement.  How can he just be gone like that?

 

He was responding to a call out at that Mick and Lou’s place down the road.  Lisa told me she was concerned about Mick last week.  He’d been in a bar fight – hospitalised some bloke.  Then she caught him fighting with Kit on Friday.  She said she was keeping an eye on the situation and I’m sure she was.  It sounds like the bloke battered his wife.  Craig tracked him down and he battered him too – to death.  Lisa went with him to hospital.  She said Asha was amazing.  But he died later.

 

Kirk hasn’t come into work.  He phoned me this morning in tears.  He was his stepdad for years.  His friend.  He’s absolutely devastated.  Well, everyone is.  I am.  Lisa is.  The whole community are going to be shaken by this for a long time, losing someone we love so much in such a brutal way.  He must have been what?  Twenty five?  Six?

 

Lisa and I talked for a while last night.  Comforting each other.  She started talking about our last day, how it can come out of nowhere.  What would we do on our last day, who would we spend it with, if we knew?  Then she… proposed.  Just like that.  Both of us sobbing on the sofa.  She asked me to marry her.

 

I wanted to say yes.  I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  I know I want us to grow old together.  I want us to go to sleep in each other’s arms each night and wake up together every morning.  I know exactly what I’d want to do on my last day.  I’d want to spend all of it with Lisa.  She’s everything to me.

 

It would have been so easy just to say yes last night.  I mean, I’ve been married five times.  But I couldn’t.  Lisa was married to/with the love of her life for so long.  She only ever planned on getting married once.  She’s been married once.  It ended prematurely because her wife, who was a copper and an apparently perfect human being, was murdered.  As was Craig.  I don’t want Lisa to hurtle into some spontaneous proposal, engagement and wedding that she might not truly want.  She was talking out of pain and grief and trauma last night, not love.  I know she loves me.  I know she does.  And I love her.  I love her more deeply than I’ve ever loved anyone.  But it’s different for her.  She’s in different circumstances.  And I couldn’t bear to accept the proposal and then have her change her mind in the cold light of day, once she’s come to her senses.  Once she’s realised that she didn’t really mean it.  I’d rather not get engaged at all than have her change her mind about it.

 

So, I said no.  I was in shock because honestly, I was under the impression that a second marriage wasn’t on the cards for her.  So I perhaps wasn’t as delicate as I should have been.  And she was hurt by me saying no, although she denied it.  I know what she’s like when she’s hurt.  She’s like a tiny blonde puppy, who growls at you to warn you away.  She doesn’t want to bite you but she’s hurting so it’s risky.  She snarls instead.  Tries to block you out of her space.

 

We slept worlds apart.  Facing away from each other.  I kept trying but she barely said goodnight to me.  It was awful.  Absolutely awful.

 

It was still awful this morning.  It was so awkward.  Lisa was abrupt and dismissive.  I feel so bloody guilty.  She clearly feels rejected.  I took all her pain and sorrow yesterday and I made it so much worse.  I feel terrible.

 

She has very reluctantly agreed to meet me for lunch.  I’m really hoping we’ll be able to talk things through properly.  If she turns up, of course.  It’d be an easy day to say she’s too busy with work.  And I could hardly argue, could I?

 

Lisa

 

20^th May 2025

14:54

 

Things feel a bit better with Carla.  I very reluctantly went to meet her for lunch at The Bistro.  It was very awkward at first and I probably wasn’t as pleasant as I could have been to start with.  I know when I’m hurting or embarrassed or both, I can become quite brittle.  I remember last year, after we nearly kissed, I was really harsh with her.  I was so mortified, not to mention feeling guilty that I’d been so close to kissing another woman.  To giving into my feelings and kissing Carla.  And I was sure Carla couldn’t possibly have actual feelings for me.  So I pushed her away.  I was really sharp.  Rude, even.  I think about it now and I wonder, if I’d been different with her, kinder, might we have got together sooner?

 

And Carla was so nice to me today.  I mean, she’s always been nice to me.  No matter how I’ve acted.  She apologised for upsetting me and said she was worried that I was trying to ignore last night.  She wanted to know if I meant the proposal.  I was honest.  I said I’d been overwhelmed but yes, I did want to marry her.  I love her.

 

She was trying.  I know she was trying.  But everything she said, I took offence to.  She said she wanted to discuss it like adults.  I accused her to calling me childish and ridiculous.  Wanting to know who’d want to marry that?  Then I made up some shit about how I’d just been trying to be nice.  I mean, it didn’t even make sense.  I wasn’t trying to be nice.  Who proposes to be nice?  I proposed because I’d been faced yet again with the fragility of life and I looked at the woman I love and I knew I wanted to love her every day for the rest of my life.  As wives.

 

And I know my situation is complicated.  Carla doesn’t understand it completely.  She can’t.  As far as I’ve ever presented anything to her, Becky and I had the perfect marriage.  Perfect relationship.  Perfect family.  We would have stayed together for the rest of our lives.  We had an argument about my case before she died but whether Carla remembers that, I don’t know.  I told her so long ago.  She doesn’t know the depth of the argument.  The corruption investigation.  The details of everything.  She doesn’t know that as deeply as I loved Becky in all the years we were together, I’ve fallen equally as deeply for Carla in just a few months. Sometimes I wonder if it’s not more so.  This gorgeous, funny, kind, passionate, thoughtful, woman who has healed so much of me.

 

But not healed me enough to stop me being so fucking petulant.  I officially withdrew my offer to marry her.  She told me I was pouting.  I tried to leave.  She begged me to stay.  I did because even when I’m sulking, I’ll pretty much do anything for her.  She apologised for her reaction, for speaking without thinking.  I suggested I’d had a lucky escape.  She told me I wasn’t about to be allowed to get rid of her.

 

Then she told me she loved me.  That she can see us getting married one day.  But that it needs to come from love, not grief.  And when that time comes, she said nothing will keep her away from the church/registry office.  (We settled on beach in Ibiza).

 

She made me feel better.  She always makes me feel better about everything.  Saying that she does want to, one day.  And I get what she’s saying about last night not being the right moment.  It just… felt right to me.  I would have loved her to say yes.  To want to marry me now.  Rather than one day in the future.  Because regardless of anything else in our lives, she’s my constant.  My happiness.  My love.  My person.  She’s my soulmate.  Even if she doesn’t completely understand that.

 

Carla

 

20^th May 2025

3pm

 

We talked.  I think we’ve sorted everything out, although she did NOT make it easy.  There were moments when I really understood where Betsy gets it from.

 

She accused me of calling her childish and ridiculous.  Then she said she’d proposed to be nice.  I mean, what?  Buy me a cake or something!  She ‘officially’ withdrew her offer at one point.  She pouted.  She tried to leave.  But she stayed.  Because I asked her to.

 

But all the time, I held onto what she said first.  She meant it.  The proposal.  Yes, she was emotional but she meant it.  She loves me and wants to marry me.

 

I nearly caved again.  It would have been so easy.  But I didn’t.  I just about managed to explain that yes, I do want to marry her one day.  But when one of us proposes purely out of love, not because something awful has happened, not because we’re grieving.  The way she looked at me then… eyes shining with tears but also… this love, this adoration.  I’ve spent my whole life longing for someone to look at me like that.  And it’s not that I haven’t been loved.  I have.  But the way Lisa loves is so different to anything else I’ve known.  Sometimes, we’re just sitting on the sofa watching TV and I glance over at her and she’s looking at me like… like I’m her whole world.  It makes me heart soar.

 

I told her that when the time’s right, nothing will keep me away from walking down the aisle with her.  She suggested a beach in Ibiza!  Well, I’m up for that.  As long as my future is with her, I’m happy.  As long as we spend the rest of our lives snuggling and squabbling and laughing, making love and talking nonsense to each other.  Looking after each other.  I’m happy.  As long as she’ll always look at me like she does now… I’m happy.

 

Lisa

 

21^st May 2025

14:50

 

I came home to takeaway from Speed Daal.  Betsy was already off out.  She’d stolen some bhaajis and gone off to her friend, River’s house.  And it’s not that I didn’t want to spend the evening with her but it was nice to spend time with Carla after yesterday and today.  She’d obviously gone out of her way to get my favourite things.  We had candles on the table and she’d put a nice playlist on.  I could see that she was trying to make sure I knew I was loved.

 

I was worried I was still going to feel awkward around her but I didn’t.  We chatted all evening.  She said things are tense at the factory because everyone is broken hearted over Craig.  I said that station is the same.  Everyone is just walking around like ghosts.  You don’t really think about how much a difference one person makes to your day until they’re not there anymore.  He was such a sweet person.  He always said hello.  Always smiled.  Always did the cake run.  Always wanted to help.  He always had something kind to say.

 

After dinner, Carla and I indulged in a bath.  It’s become a bit of a thing.  I really love running a bath for her or us having one together.  There’s something incredibly intimate and loving about it.  We spent the rest of the night in bed.  Whatever awkwardness there might have been this morning, it’s definitely done now.  I couldn’t have felt more connected to her last night – or waking up in her arms this morning.

 

Today, I’ve been trawling through Craig’s case.  We’ve already charged Mick but we’ve still got work to do to make sure everything is completely watertight.  He is not going to get away with this.  Not with taking away the life of that wonderful boy.

 

It all started on Monday morning.  Craig was meant to be shadowing Kit for the next fortnight.  That’s what I assigned.  Instead, Kit ditched him.  Made him feel like less of a copper.  That was the first mistake.  The second mistake was mine.  I encouraged Craig to go out and prove Kit wrong, to show him what a good DC he’d be.  Show what an exceptional police officer he was.  I thought I was being supportive.  I thought I was being kind.  Because he was an exceptional police officer.  Better than Kit, that’s for sure.  He had the heart of a police officer.  He wanted to look after people, keep them safe, do the right thing.  He was in this for the right reasons.

 

But he went out.  Did what I told him.  Put his uniform back on and responded to a domestic at the Michaelis house.  He left me a voicemail that I struggled to listen to.  He apologised for complaining earlier, said he wanted to be bolder and thanked me for saying he’d make DC one day, that he believed me.  But then he saw Mick’s van and followed him.

 

The reason I didn’t answer the call was because Sean had come to the station.  He’d heard about Mick potentially assaulting Lou and was worried.  A while back, he was beaten up.  He denied Mick had been responsible – it all related back to Mick’s son, Brody and Sean’s son, Dylan, being in the STU together.  But he’d come to station to tell me that it was Mick who had assaulted him and he was worried about Lou, knowing what Mick was capable of.

 

And what Mick was capable was beating Craig to death with a bat.  Craig stopped him for drink driving.  Mick beat the shit out of him and left him for dead.  All caught on dashcam footage.  I cried when I watched it.  So did half the station.  We’re police officers.  We’re hardened to that sort of thing but watching someone we love being hurt like that…  It was too much.

 

Maria found him and called an ambulance.  Sarah happened by and stayed with them.  I rushed over there as soon as I heard the call.  I arrived just as Asha and her colleague were loading him into the ambulance.  He kept apologising to me; he had nothing to be sorry for, none of it was his fault.  It was Mick’s fault.  Maybe Lou’s.  I’m not sure.  Kit’s.  Mine.

 

I was desperate for answers.  Sarah had a go at me, saying I was being harsh with Maria.  Maybe I was.  I wasn’t trying to be.  I was just desperate.  Frightened.  In shock just like they were.  People think police officers are infallible.  That we’re not affected.  But we are.  Especially when it’s one of our own.  Especially when we’ve been there before.

 

I sent them off to the police station so they could make a statement.  It’s always a race against time to get the facts.  I went straight to the hospital to be with Craig.  I tried and failed to get through to Kit.  I imagine he was dodging my calls, as I’d literally just had a go at him about mistreating Craig right before I got the call.

 

At the hospital, I felt completely helpless.  All I could do was watch through the glass while they treated him and tried to save his life.  Asha was amazing.  Lovely, actually, although I’m never good when I’m stressed and people try to be nice to me.  I told her she should be proud of herself.  Then outside the hospital, I saw her again being hassled by some irate patient, complaining about the wait.  I very quickly warned him off.

 

I went back inside and sat with Craig on my own.  I felt overwhelmed by guilt.  I still do.  I cried.  I only stopped when Asha knocked.  She’d finished her shift but didn’t want to leave Craig.  We sat together a while.  Chatting to each other.  Chatting to Craig.  Willing him to be okay.  I’ve not really spoken to her much before, aside from when her boyfriend murdered Nina’s boyfriend.  But that was years ago now.  She was a kid.  Well, she still is.  But very mature.  Very measured.  Very kind.  And an absolute Godsend on Monday.

 

I ended up having to go back to work.  The investigation was spiralling all around me – Craig in hospital, Mick and Lou both missing.  Asha promised to call as soon as there was any news.  And she did, the moment he woke up.

 

I had a go at Kit as soon as I saw him.  About him dumping Craig.  He raised the question as to why he was back in uniform, which I know was my fault.  He said he’d just rescued Sarah from Mick at his flat.  Then I failed to stop him opening the birthday card Craig had left for him.  Yep.  All this happened on Kit’s birthday.  I had to stop him going to look for Mick himself.  It was too dangerous.  I don’t know what the history is but there obviously is some, which made Kit a target.  I might not be a big fan of Kit but I wasn’t prepared to lose two officers in a week.

 

Then I got the call from Jess, who had gone to see Craig (and also spotted Lou) at the hospital.  Craig had flatlined.  Died.  She had been there with Maria, Kirk and Asha.  Tried to look after them all as it had happened.  I’m sure Asha took care of them too.

 

Kit left then.  I stayed at the station.  I interviewed Lou.  I wasn’t as compassionate as I should have been.  Normally, if I had a domestic abuse victim in front of me, I would be nothing but compassionate.  Because that’s what she is.  A victim.  Quite clearly.  But she was also protecting a murderer with her evasive answers. She dismissed their domestic as nothing.  Claimed they were just an ordinary family.  What bullshit.

 

I let her go.  I felt sorry enough for her to let her go.  For starters, she needed hospital treatment.  I gather she scarpered before she got seen and the ‘nothing’ argument she had with her husband left her with a nasty cut to her head.  On her way out, I said I couldn’t work out why she would protect a man like Mick when he’s taken an innocent man’s life.  She suggested I’d answered my own question, which made me struggle a bit.  I keep thinking about it.  And that she called me a typical copper.  And it wasn’t complimentary.  I’ve always prided myself on going the extra mile.  On fighting for people.  People like her.

 

Meanwhile, Mick had abducted Bernie in an attempt to lure Kit into his trap.  We were able to arrest him and bring him into custody.  I led the interview.  He was cocky throughout; sat there like he didn’t give a shit that he’d taken a life.  Maybe he didn’t.  He denied everything.  Even said he wanted to make a complaint.  Then he made his big misstep.  He claimed he’d been with his son all afternoon.  That Brody was his alibi.  Well, Brody had been in custody all afternoon, having stolen booze from Dev’s earlier in the day.  He was drunk and sleeping it off in his cell.  So, his alibi was absolute bullshit.  Plus the mountain of evidence we had against him – including literal footage of the attack.  It was a genuine relief to be able to charge him.

 

Carla

 

21^st May 2025

5:45pm

 

I’m doing all I can to look after Lisa and make sure she knows how loved and cherished she is.  I don’t want her to think I’m not desperately in love with her just because I said no to the proposal. 

 

Last night, I picked up her favourite takeaway.  We had a bath together.  And I made sure she knew in no uncertain terms just how much I love her.  Just how much I want her.  It was nice to see her relaxing.  It was nice to be the reason.

 

And I’m just going to keep doing it.  I mean, obviously sex is not a hardship!  Well, nor is doing anything for or with her.  But I just feel I want to make as much effort as I can.  I know what she’s like by now.  She turns in on herself.  Spirals.  And I don’t think Craig’s death has even really hit her yet.  Not properly.  I’m worried about what’s to come.

 

I want her to know that she’s safe with me.  Loved.  Adored.

 

Which is possibly why I snapped at bit at Sarah today when she made some remark about Lisa being sharp with Maria at the scene.  She said she came flying down to the ambulance, demanding to know what Maria had seen, sent them to the station to make a statement even though Maria was clearly distraught and trying to get hold of Kirk.  I asked her if anyone had considered how Lisa would have been feeling.  She’s known Craig for years, since he first started out as a police officer.  She helped train him.  She supervises him, considers anyone on her team her responsibility.  She’s taken his death incredibly hard.  So yeah, arriving to him being taken into an ambulance, she probably wasn’t DS Nice Swain.  She was probably in freefall.

 

Maybe I shouldn’t have said how much she was struggling.  Maybe I’ve broken a confidence.  I know Lisa likes to keep up this brave face in front of everyone.  DS Swain is like an armour she puts on.  It protects her.  But people forget she’s a person underneath.  She’s a Mum.  A widow.  A partner.  A colleague.  A friend.  She’s a human being who loves so deeply.  And honestly, until that day last year, when I invited myself into her car, I didn’t really understand either.  I thought she was as tough as she makes out.  I couldn’t have imagined the little Lisa I know now, who cries at soppy films and likes curling up on my lap so I’ll play with her hair.  Again, not a hardship.  I love her hair.  It’s so soft!  I couldn’t have imagined the little Lisa who leaves notes for me in my lunch or gets all pouty if she loses a board game.  I mean, it’s bloody adorable.  She’s adorable.  And soft. And kind.  And gentle.  And overflowing with love. 

 

So yeah, if she was a bit sharp on Monday, cut her some fucking slack.  Might have actually used those words.  Oops.

 

Next time... Lisa catches a cold, Mick is beaten up in prison and Lisa rejects Carla's support as her mental health spirals...

Chapter 47: Freefall

Carla

 

28^th May 2025

3:17pm

 

I’m starting to feel very worried about Lisa.  Things haven’t been right with her ever since Craig died.  And then of course, there was the whole proposal thing, which I thought we’d sorted out.  But now, I’m not so sure.

 

She’s ill.  It’s been brewing for a good week or so.  But she’s been ignoring me and Betsy, dismissing our concerns, dragging herself to work.  Betsy told me that this is what her Mum does.  She can hardly ever remember her taking a sick day.  She barely took any compassionate leave, even, when Becky died.  The only time I’ve known her to take time off work is when she’s been looking after me or Betsy and even then, she was still trying to cram her very demanding, full time job into part time hours.

 

She’s been running on empty since Craig’s death.  Not looking after herself.  Only eating when I put food in front of her and even then, she often just pushes it around her plate.  Leaving early for work, coming home late.  She did warn me, what she gets like when she’s focussed.  I know she’s trying to make the case against Mick airtight.  I do understand that.  And also, they’re a vital team member down.  Vital.

 

But today, she woke up full of cold.  She can’t stop sneezing.  She’s an absolute wreck.  I begged her not to go into work but she insisted.  I found her outside, looking even worse than when she’d left.  She’d already gone through three packets of tissues.

 

Somehow, I managed to persuade her to come home with me.  I took the day off work to look after her – from a careful social distance!  I mean, I’ve got to think of my kidney, obviously.  I don’t want to get a horrible cold!  But also, germs.  Yuck!  We actually had a bit of a laugh together.  Lisa was tucked up on the sofa, mostly complaining.  I was cleaning.  I even cleaned the remote and offered to change channels for her when she needed me to. 

I explained how filthy remotes are and she said, “Why?  What have you been doing with it?”

Cheeky cow!

 

No, I am definitely not designed to be a nurse!  Maybe when she’s a bit less snotty and I can actually take care of her… 

 

For now, it’s her mental health I’m more worried about.  While she was meant to be off sick, she got a call from her boss, wanting to see both her and Kit.  Mick has been beaten up in prison.  Now, once again, I’m sat waiting for her to get home.  Worried about what her boss is going to stay.  He’s always so hard on her, no matter how hard she works.  Worried about her mental health and how badly everything’s affecting her.  Worried about how unwell she’s feeling.  Just… worried about her.  Is this what it’s like to be the partner of a copper?  Or is it Lisa specific?  I don’t know.

 

Lisa

 

28^th May 2025

17:58

 

I feel rough as fuck.  This cold has been brewing for a good week or so and it really kicked in today.  I’ve been trying to pretend to Carla and Betsy that I’m fine, that it’s just a bit of Hayfever (until Betsy pointed out that I don’t get Hayfever).  I did attempt to go to work but Carla ended up dragging me back home.  Not that she was exactly a nurse!  I mean, she was lovely.  We did have a good giggle.  But she definitely social distanced from me all day!  Kept cleaning everything.  I thought she was going to clean me at one point.  I mean, that would have been quite nice, actually…

 

Then I got a call from Costello.  Mick has been beaten up in prison and they believe it was an inside job – that one of us arranged it.  And of course… it was Kit.  Fucking Kit.  I wish he’d fuck off and move onto somewhere new.  I’m so bloody angry!  Yes, I get that he’s upset over Craig.  I’m upset over Craig.  I’m bloody devastated.  I can hardly sleep, thinking about him.  About Becky.  It’s awful.  Every day is awful.  If I didn’t have Carla then I don’t know what I’d do.

 

So, I should probably be a bit nicer to her.  She’s obviously been worrying about me.  I told her about Kit and Mick.  She’s worried about me covering for him.  I honestly don’t know what I’m meant to do here.  I don’t want to cover for him.  Of course I don’t.  I doubt he’d do that for me – not that I’d ever arrange for someone to get battered.  In fact, he’d be the first person to roll over on me, hoping to scoop my job in the process, I imagine.  But then I think about Craig and everything he went through and I just…  I feel like I’d be betraying him somehow if I stepped up to protect the man who murdered him.  Gave him something to fight us with in court.

 

Anyway, I’m in bed, tucked away with my germs where I can’t infect Carla.  I’ll offer to sleep on the sofa if she wants to stay that bloody far away from me.  And yes, I know I’m being completely unfair and out of order.  She’s been nothing but lovely as usual.  And I’m being an absolute bitch.

 

Carla

 

28^th May 2025

11:33pm

 

I decided to brave the germs and go in and see Lisa, after she came home and basically stormed off to bed. She told me that Kit arranged to have Mick beaten up in prison.  Now she doesn’t know what to do – tell Costello or cover for him.  She feels very conflicted.  Telling the truth could hinder Mick’s conviction.  She also feels uncomfortable saying anything that could help or support the man who murdered her friend and colleague.  I’m worried.  I’m very worried.

 

I took her in a cup of tea.  Found her curled up in bed, pretending to sleep.  I got in and curled up behind her.  She made some off hand remark about me worrying about catching something.  I told her it’d be worth it to give her a cuddle.  She physically relaxed then.  Softened.  Shuffled back into my arms and I just held her.  It’s all I knew to do.  She didn’t want to talk, that much was clear.  So comfort seemed to be the only right thing.

 

I’ve just got up to get ready for bed.  She’d already crawled into her pyjamas and she’s sleeping.  I’ve locked up, checked Betsy’s okay and I’m about to climb back into bed.  I think about all those nights she held me, kept me safe, made sure I knew I was loved.  It’s the least I can do really.

 

Carla

 

9^th June 2025

1:45pm

 

I really don’t know what to do about Lisa.  Things aren’t… going well.  For the first time since we got together.  I mean, we’ve had problems (kidney failure, hostage situations, Betsy) but we’ve not struggled with each other before, aside from that one night when Betsy was in hospital.  We’re not fighting or anything.  But things just don’t feel right.

 

She’s become more and more closed down.  I think the last time we were properly close was when she was poorly.  I spent the night holding her.  She’s feeling better now.  She’s thrown herself completely into work.  Leaving early.  Coming home late.  She won’t communicate with me at all.  Everything’s very monosyllabic.  And it hurts because we used to stay up half the night chatting.  We used to be tired in the morning because we stayed up too late talking and putting the world to rights.  Now, she just says she’s tired, rolls over and goes to sleep.  She never used to do that either.  We always used to sleep cuddled up.  I’ve not had a proper cuddle in days.  I miss her so much.  I miss her laugh.  Her affection.  Everything.

 

She left for work, hardly even saying goodbye this morning.  Normally, we always have a kiss and a cuddle, say I love you, wish each other a good day.  But she just left.  And I thought perhaps we’d need it today of all days, being that it’s Craig’s funeral today.  Kirk has driven up to be with Beth and then we’re having a memorial here in a couple of days.

 

And of course, it’s put me in a bad mood all morning.  My staff are literally avoiding me and I don’t blame them.  I’ve been a right ogre.  But I’m struggling with my workload, struggling with Lisa and I just don’t know what to do.  I feel like I’m watching her implode in slow motion.  What am I am meant to do to stop this?  It was easy with Peter.  I knew how to help him.  Sometimes it took me a few days but I understood him and he understood me.  How we could save each other.  But Lisa… 

 

I guess it’s uncomfortable to highlight that we don’t know each other that well yet.  We’ve been put in some quite unique situations but not this.  I can see the pain and stress on her face and I want to take it away.  I just don’t know how.  How am I meant to look after someone who doesn’t want to be looked after?

 

Carla

 

9^th June 2025

8:34pm

 

Well, my day got worse.

 

I spoke to Betsy about Lisa.  I gather the rest of the staff thrust her into my office with a cup of tea to try and see if I’d calmed down.  (Perhaps Bobby was right about me being softer on her than anyone else…)  I ended up blurting out my frustration that Lisa is so hard to read.  Betsy basically told me that when she shuts down, she’s struggling.  But she didn’t have an answers as to what the hell I’m meant to do about it.

 

What I decided to do about it was go home and cook a proper meal.  I mean, let’s face it, it might have seemed like more of a punishment.  There’s a reason why Lisa does most of the cooking in our house.  It’s not that I can’t cook.  I have a few set meals that I’ve honed.  Thankfully, Lisa likes them.  But for the most part, she cooks.  When it’s my turn, my phone or my feet do a lot of the work.

 

But I really tried today.  I knocked off work early.  Shopped.  Cooked.

 

And she basically told me to fuck off.

 

She just said she wasn’t hungry.  She wasn’t grateful for the effort I’d gone to.  If anything, she was annoyed.  We actually argued.  We never argue!  I expressed my frustration at the way she’s shutting me out.  That I’ve had a tough day too but I’m showing up for her.  She told me I was giving her support she didn’t ask for.  Accused me of doing it just to make myself feel better.  That really hurt.  She Rejected my support.  Rejected me.  Rejected dinner.  Literally walked out on me.  And I’ve not heard from her since.  It’s getting late and I don’t know whether to be worried or not.  I mean, what am I talking about?  Of course I’m bloody worried.

 

I ended up inviting Roy round for dinner instead.  He calmed me down a bit.  Tried to reassure me that Lisa would be grateful for my efforts when she’d calmed down.  Suggested that perhaps it’s all part of being a police officer, her need to compartmentalise her emotions the way she does.  Well, maybe it is but I can’t cope with it.  I need her to be present with me.  I need her to communicate.  I need her to stop walking around like we’re strangers who happen to be under the same roof.  Maybe it is her normal.  But it hasn’t been.  Not up till now.  Up till now it’s been so… lovely.  We’ve been so connected.  Now she’s sleeping next to me every night and yet I miss her so bloody much.

 

Betsy came home while Roy and I were eating.  I told her what had happened, wondered if she’d heard from her Mum.  She hadn’t.  Basically wished me luck trying to connect with her.  All I know is that the woman I love is not self destructing on my watch.  I won’t allow it.

 

Now, Roy’s gone.  I’ve cleared everything away.  Resisted a glass of wine.  And I’m just waiting for Lisa to come home.  In every respect.

 

Lisa

 

9^th June 2025

20:35

 

I’m hiding in a pub.  I know.  You don’t have to tell me.  I’ve got the most incredible woman at home, who loves me.  Who cooked me dinner.  Who wants to look after me.  And I’m hiding in a pub.  Not even the pub.  I’ve gone out of my way to get out of here, not have to speak to anyone or deal with anything.  And not have to go home.  To a girlfriend I adore.  Who adores me.

 

The day didn’t start well.  Betsy was being a brat.  Carla was… trying.  She’s always trying.  To be kind.  To be affectionate.  To be loving.  And I just feel… hollow.  I want nothing more than to curl up in her arms, let all my tears, my fears pour out on her.  But if I do… I’ll break.  We’ve got Craig’s memorial in a couple of days and I have to stay strong for it.  I’m just bloody relieved that Costello has asked Kit to speak, not me.  As angry as I am with Kit right now, public speaking, especially at a funeral, is not my thing.  I could barely stand up and talk about Becky.  Her mates shared more than I did.  Her mates were much better than me.  And I can’t do it for Craig either.  It’s too much.  Trauma on top of trauma.

 

Speaking of Kit – I had that lad, Brody, approach me today.  He accused Kit of arranging the attack on Mick.  I offered to take him to station so he could make a formal complaint but pointed out he didn’t have any proof.  So he kicked off at me, accusing me of being the same as every other police officer.  Then he made a remark about his Dad getting arrested for ‘nothing’, which really did my head in. 

 

Betsy said that he bullied Dylan when they were in the STC together.  It’s one of the reasons why she turned him in for theft on the day of Craig’s murder.  And bloody hell, if she hadn’t… well Mick might have had an alibi.  She has no idea how significant her choice to do the right thing for a change actually was.

 

As for me doing the right thing…  I haven’t.  I haven’t told Costello about Kit.  And I have completely messed everything up with Carla.  I’d be surprised if she lets me in when I drag myself home.  There definitely won’t be any dinner waiting for me, that’s for sure.  And I don’t deserve it.

 

I’m so frustrated with myself.  I was alone for three years.  Struggling.  Lost.  Lonely.  Longing to be loved, cherished, wanted, adored.  Carla does all of those things.  She just wants to look after me.  I know she does.  But there’s something wrong with me.  Something deep rooted that keeps pushing her away.  I always do it when I’m sad.  When I’m scared.  Becky hated it about me.  To the point that she stopped bothering trying.  She and Betsy decided that I was ‘in one of those moods’ and left me to it.  For days.  Weeks.  Months.

 

I don’t know what to do when someone responds with kindness, dinners, kisses, cuddles and ‘I love you’. What am I meant to do?

 

She was so hurt tonight.  She’d made such an effort.  Cooking.  It’s not her strongest skill – it’s a family joke now – but she tried so hard to do something special for me.  And I threw it all back in her face – not literally.  I told her she was giving me support I didn’t ask for.  That she was doing it to make herself feel better, not for me.  She snapped at me then.  Told me I was out of order.  That I was being nasty.  And she was right.  I was. Even though I denied it.  It shocked me because as feisty as I know she can be, she never is with me.  She’s so soft and gentle with me.  Never loses her temper, even when I push her.  And over the last few months, I’ve pushed her.  Blaming her for what happened with Rob.  Now this.  I’ve hurt her and I don’t know what to do, how to fix it.

 

I need to go home.

 

Lisa

 

10^th June 2025

18:08

 

I went home and Carla was waiting for me.  She should have been furious with me.  Shouted. Given me a hard time.  But she didn’t.  She jumped off the sofa and hugged me.  I just kind of collapsed in her arms, exactly the way I’ve been resisting doing.  I sobbed.  She comforted me.  I apologised for being a cow.  She said everyone’s allowed to be a cow sometimes.

 

She kissed me.  Told me she loved me.  I wondered why.  She reeled off this list of reasons, like she didn’t even have to think about it.  It made me cry more.

 

I asked her if she still wanted to be with me even though I’m an absolute nightmare.  She told me that nothing would ever make her change her mind about me.

 

Then we went to bed.  Not like that.  We just climbed under the covers and held each other.  We didn’t even speak all that much really.  I apologised a few times.  She told me she just wants to look after me.  That she wished she knew the right way to do it.  Told me how worried she was about me.

 

I told her how much I appreciated her love and her care.  Apologised again for not being grateful enough.  For shutting down.  She told me she understood that I was struggling but begged me not to shut her out.  Even if I can’t talk to anyone else, to please talk to her.  And even if I can’t talk, just please don’t push her away.

 

I’ve promised to do my best.  And I will.  I will try.  I can’t lose her.  If I feel broken now, it would be nothing compared to losing her.  She doesn’t realise it – thanks to me – but she’s holding me together.

 

She took the day off work today and so did I.  I asked if I could bring some more boxes over.  Sort some more of my things out.  She agreed immediately, cancelled a load of meetings and helped me spend the day lugging things about.  She’s cleared out a load of space in her wardrobe for me to store things.  I just wondered if I got some ‘life admin’ done, it might sort my head out a bit.

 

I said I didn’t expect her to help me.  She asked me if I actively wanted her out of the way.  I said no, I’d like to spend any time with her that I could, especially after how I’ve been with her lately.  So, she rescheduled her day and actually, it’s been lovely.  We lugged stuff about.  Had a nice lunch together.  I’m going to cook to apologise, try and make things right.

 

Not that she’s made me feel bad about anything.  She’s been so lovely all day.  So kind.  So patient.  I’m so bloody lucky.

 

I went to get my uniform for tomorrow.  It was one of the reasons I thought of bringing more stuff over.  I needed to get it and make sure it was all okay.  I left it a bit to the last minute, really.  It was hard, trying it on.  The last time I wore it was Becky’s funeral.

 

But once again, Carla made it better.  She was full of compliments.  Told me she never thought she’d fancy a copper in full uniform and yet, here I am.  It made me feel good.  Better.  We kissed.  Quite a lot.  If I’d had the energy, I would have managed more but I still feel so fragile.  She’s being so patient with me though.  I’m grateful.  And I’m so grateful that she’s going to be by my side tomorrow, every step of the way.

 

Carla

 

10^th June 2025

6:08pm

 

It’s been a better day today.  Lisa and I even had a little kiss earlier.  A big kiss, actually.  We spent the day moving some more of her things in.  I took the day off to help.  Boxes and things.  Our wardrobes are fit to bursting while she sorts things out and goes through them.  But she also had to bring her uniform over for the memorial tomorrow.  I never in my life thought I’d be so wildly attracted to someone in a police uniform.  But DS Lisa Swain… wow.  She looked amazing.  So beautiful.  So smart.  Her literal badges of honour on display.  I asked her to tell me her stories of how she got them and I felt so proud of her, all she’s achieved.

 

I wasn’t sure if it was entirely appropriate to tell her how hot she looked but I couldn’t help myself.  I had to.  She seemed very flattered, appreciative.  And that earned me lots of kisses, which I’ve been starving for over the past week.  She’s the most amazing kisser.  I love her lips.  They’re so soft.  Honestly, I could kiss her for hours.  I mean, I do!  And we did again today and that made me really happy.

 

She came home last night and broke down in my arms.  She was very apologetic.  I just held her.  All night. Reassured her.  Made sure she knew how much I loved her and that I wanted to be there to support her, always.  She was so fragile.  I hate seeing her like this.  And also feel so fearful that it’s going to push me away.  But it’s not.  I’m here forever.  Me and her.

 

I’m not any less worried really.  I’m grateful that she seems more willing to let me in.  Open up.  Find a safe space in me.  And that’s what I want to be for her – a safe space.  That’s what she’s always been for me.

 

Next time... Lisa has to step up at Craig's memorial, Betsy goes snooping and Lisa shares some more of her past with Carla...

Chapter 48: The Memorial

Carla

 

11^th June 2025

3:34pm

 

It has been one hell of a day.  And not just because of Craig’s memorial, although that was incredibly emotional.  So many people turned up to pay their respects.  I think he would have been pleased to know just how loved he was.

 

Lisa was very anxious about the whole day.  I did my best to reassure her but then my heel broke on my shoe so I ended up having to change them.  She was halfway out the door when it happened so I sent her on with Betsy.  I wonder now if I ought to have encouraged her to wait for me.  She just seemed very anxious to get there.  I didn’t want to stress her out further by making her late.

 

But then, the moment I arrived, she launched herself at me, like she’d been waiting the whole time for me to get there.  She was so stressed.  Kit hadn’t turned up and things were getting ready to start.  She was really panicking about who was going to do the speech for Craig.  Bernie tried to call him repeatedly but he wouldn’t pick up.  I even tried asking Maria and Kirk to step in but they said they couldn’t.  Beth called me in the middle of it, wanting to know how everything was and if someone would record the speech for her and anything else significant.  I asked Gary to do it.

 

And that left my Lisa.  The look on her face broke my heart.  I know she really struggled at Becky’s funeral to say anything at all.  And today, she hadn’t even had a chance to plan anything.  But she did the most incredible job.  She had everyone in floods and I think Craig would have been so honoured to have her speak on his behalf.  More than Kit, that’s for sure.  I was surprised Lisa wasn’t asked in the first place.  Craig told me not so long ago that he really admired Lisa and he hoped that one day, he’d be as good a police officer as her.  That she has helped him so much in his training and learning and that she’s someone he looked up to.  I told her on the day he said it to me and she got all shy and embarrassed, the way she does.  Tried to laugh it off.  But I know it meant something to her.  I don’t know whether it would help to remind her of it now though.  At the moment, she feels like she let him down.  She didn’t.  But she feels like she did.

 

I felt so proud to be stood by her while she told everyone what an incredible man, an incredible officer Craig was.  That she was proud to call him her friend and colleague.  She was emotional.  Most people were crying.  I was nearly in tears myself.  But I was determined to be strong for her today.

 

She told me how grateful she was that I was there.  I told her I’d always be there.  And I will.  No matter what she needs, even if she can’t articulate it, I’ll be here.  I want to look after her like she’s looked after me.  I think back over my life and the things I’ve been through.  I so wish I’d met Lisa earlier.  I don’t mean to take away her marriage and the happy life she had with Becky.  I really don’t mean it like that.  But say, if I’d met Lisa when I was young, not Paul… imagine the life we could have had together.  Her training to be a police officer, me… well, finding the way out of my childhood and into the life I wanted.  Maybe we would have built a home together from early on.  Had a family.  Because I do think, if we’d have met then, I would have loved her for my whole life.  I’m just grateful to have met her now and that I get to spend the rest of my life with her from now at least.  I just wish… we’d have had longer.

 

I had to escape the memorial after a bit because my feet were killing me.  I would have worn heels anyway for the occasion but the ones that broke were at least more comfortable than the ones I wore.  I blame the heel entirely on Betsy.  She’s always nicking my shoes.  And bags.  And perfume.  And makeup.  And jewellery.  You get the gist.

 

I was surprised to find Betsy at home when I got there.  Lisa had been going through a load of the boxes we’d brought back this morning and there was this strange incident between her and Betsy, where Betsy had been about to open one of the boxes on the side.  Lisa freaked out and put it away in the bedroom again.

 

So, I was quite surprised when the box was back out on the table and Betsy was right by it.  Hopefully she didn’t have too much of a rummage in our room looking for it.  I wouldn’t want her to find certain things in certain drawers!

 

She fobbed me off saying that she’d come back to help Lisa with sorting the boxes out, even though Lisa made it very clear she didn’t want her touching them.  Which I pointed out.  I told her how well Lisa did with her speech, that she’d had to step up in Kit’s absence.  She scuttled off.  I dealt with my shoes.  Took my meds.  I’d meant to bring them with me but I forgot.  Thankfully we were local and I could just pop back.

 

I was just about to change to flats when Lisa arrived back, looking anxious.  I felt bad (again) because I’d just disappeared.  She’d been in a big discussion with Jess and Costello and a few other colleagues so I hadn’t wanted to disturb her just to say I was changing my shoes and taking my meds.  I thought I’d be back before she noticed I was gone.  Apparently not.  She’d come to look for me, clearly not managing all that well without me being there by her side.  Which is both a worry and a compliment.  Plus, she’d foolishly agreed to work the afternoon.  I tried to encourage her to skip it.  Her boss would understand, after seeing her today, if she couldn’t go in.  But she was adamant.  She always is.

 

We had a cuddle.  A kiss.  I got the chance to tell her how bloody proud I am of her, how well she’d done.  We were stood there, just holding each other and it was lovely.  It made me think that we’ve never danced together.  I’d love to dance with her in my arms.  Hold her close.  We need to get ourselves invited to a wedding or something.  Everyone was so impressed with her today.  They kept telling me.  I’d love to get to show her off at a happier event.  DS Lisa Swain.  My girlfriend.  My partner.  The love of my life.

 

Unfortunately, our moment was broken when she spotted the box she’d confiscated from Betsy back on the table.  She was in such a panic.  Crying.  I couldn’t say for sure if I’d seen Betsy with the box open or not.  She was near it.  Said she’d been ‘helping’ but I don’t know if she looked in it or not.

 

And that’s when it all came pouring out.  Becky was being investigated for corruption at the time of her death.  The documents about it were in the file and now poor Lisa is terrified that Betsy could have read them.  She kept the whole thing from her because she didn’t want her to doubt her Mum or have any kind of negative feelings about her.  She only found out herself a few days before she died.  She found the letter, challenged Becky about it and things were tense between them for days, understandably.

 

Then, when Becky tried to tell her how to run her case, Lisa was annoyed.  They argued.  And that was the night she died.  Hating her, she thinks.  She regretted the argument straight away.  Kept calling Becky, sending grovelling messages.  But Becky turned her phone off.  Left it in her locker.  She never got the chance to make things right.  While at home, Lisa got pissed and fell asleep on the sofa.

“By the time Costello woke me up, I was a widow,” she said.

 

The grief in her voice… it hurt me so much.  The way she blames herself for all of it.  If they hadn’t argued, if Becky had had her phone with her, Lisa’s always been left wondering if she might have been able to get herself help.  She might have survived.  No wonder she’s never felt able to properly recover from losing her.  It was tragic enough, the way she died.  But to be at odds, after such a long time together.  She did tell me, way back, about the argument.  I remember now.  I remember it being something incredibly personal to share with a stranger.  But she was making a point.  She was showing me that she isn’t the kind of officer out for glory.  She’s only ever wanted to make the world a safer place and she’s carried Becky’s legacy with her all this time.

 

But she never told me, not until today, that her legacy has been haunted.  The corruption investigation was dropped.  But Covid was blamed for her not getting a full glory funeral.  Her friends and colleagues pulled it together for her but Lisa has always regretted not getting her a posthumous medal or something like that.

 

I feel like I understand her a little more today.  Why she’s found it so hard to let Becky go.  Why she panicked when she started developing feelings for me.  Why she never went near anyone until me.  Because she loved her.  Still loves her.  Because she’s haunted by guilt she doesn’t deserve.  And because… I think, she has questions she’s too afraid to ask.  She spoke about it today like it was done, sorted, no case to answer.  But I know her.  I know she’s battled with it all this time, wondering if Becky was corrupt.  Wondering if she truly knew her.  Wondering if they’d been living a lie.

 

I just really hope this doesn’t send her spiralling again.  The last few days have been difficult but we’ve worked through them together.  She apologised again this morning for shutting me out.  She says she doesn’t cope well with people being nice to her.  Wasn’t Becky nice to her?  I’ve always imagined this perfect police officer, perfect wife, perfect Mum, perfect person.  I’ve always worried that I could never… live up to what Lisa’s had before.  Not because Lisa doesn’t love me.  Not because she doesn’t show it.  She does.  She’s amazing.  I feel so incredibly lucky to be with her.  But our life, I imagine, is very different to her life with Becky.  They were together for a long time; Becky was already out before she and Lisa met.  She’d certainly not been married to four men! 

 

They were married.  They were a family.  I’ve made peace with knowing that I’ll always be second best.  But Lisa is my world.  I love her more than anyone or anything.  I never expected it to happen like this.  Honestly, I didn’t.  But it has.

 

She’s gone off to work now.  She’s promised she’ll keep checking in with me so I know she’s okay.  And that she won’t work late.  Perhaps we’ll get a takeaway or something tonight when she gets home.  I just want to cuddle up with her.  Kiss her.  Make sure she knows exactly how much I love her.

 

Lisa

 

11^th June 2025

16:01

 

I’m at work now but I’m finding it very hard to concentrate.  I don’t really know why I agreed to do the afternoon shift.  It seems silly now.  Carla tried to persuade me to cancel.  To explain that it was too difficult for me to do after the memorial but I was too stubborn to agree.  She was right.  She’s always right.

 

I hardly slept last night.  I was up and out running first thing.  I went by Craig’s memorial flowers.  Kirk was there, paying his respects.  Carla and I have already laid some flowers.  Betsy too.  My heart hurts whenever I think of him.  And then I get all these complicated feelings about Becky and everything I’ve lost.  All my guilt just piles on and on.  And I haven’t been able to talk about it until now.  Until Carla.  She’s the only person I can open up to.  The only one I can trust.

 

I’ve been sorting through all my boxes.  But it led to a bit of a…. dispute with Betsy this morning.  One of the boxes I brought over had some documents in it about Becky, that I never want Betsy to see.  That I’ve never share with anyone, not even Carla.  Until now.  I’ve always wanted everyone to think of Becky as perfect.  A hero.  Because that’s what she was to everyone.  To Betsy.  To me.  I don’t want that to change.  And it will if people know how things ended.

 

So, I snatched the box off her and took it away.  And it should have stayed that way.  But of course, it hasn’t…

 

I apologised to Carla again about the other day.  She brushed it off like it was nothing.  I tried to explain that I’m not great with people being nice to me.  I get the feeling that I’m going to have to put up with her being nice to me.  Because that’s what she’s like.  Nice.  Kind.  Loving.  Wanting to look after me.

 

Betsy and I went ahead to the memorial.  Carla was a bit delayed due to a shoe malfunction.  I wish we’d waited for her.  I struggled with so many people, without her.  I had too much attention on me.  As Craig’s superior.  There in my uniform.  People wanting to talk to me.  Trying to support me.  Looking to me for support.  I found it very hard.  I couldn’t find my words.

 

There was a big screen with loads of photos of Craig, ranging from when he was a kid, long before I knew him, to recently, so proud in his uniform.  It was hard to see him.  Knowing he wouldn’t get older.  Knowing he wouldn’t progress to the life he dreamed of.  A Detective.  A husband.  A father.  All of it, snatched away, so needlessly.  Why is life so unfair?

 

There was such a good turnout though.  So many colleagues, friends and neighbours, all wanting to say their goodbyes to such a wonderful man.  I hope we did him proud.  I hope I did.  I was sad that Asha couldn’t make it.  She wasn’t able to get out of work.  His death really affected her, treating him that day, staying with him in the hospital, being there when he died.

 

Betsy hassled me again about the box I snatched away from her.  I panicked.  Lied to her about the contents.  I told her that it contained information about her sperm donor.  It was the first thing that popped into my head.  She’s not allowed to access that information until she’s eighteen so I said I didn’t want her looking at it, which is why I took it from her.  She seemed to accept it.  I said we could talk about it later but obviously she couldn’t wait…

 

As soon as Carla arrived, I clung to her.  Kit hadn’t turned up to the memorial and I was getting more and more anxious.  He was meant to be doing the speech and I was worried about him letting Craig and his family down.  Carla was calming and reassuring.  We got Bernie to try and call him to no avail.  Carla spoke to Beth on the phone and assured her that everything was going well and someone would film everything for her.  She got Gary to do it.  She tried and failed to get Craig’s loved ones to speak instead of Kit but they wouldn’t.  Which only left me.

 

I was nearly sick at having to speak.  I HATE public speaking, especially emotional public speaking.  Especially with no preparation.  I could have killed Kit for putting me in such an awful situation.  And kissed Carla for being so supportive.  She stood right by my side the whole time and it was her comforting presence that got me through.

 

The speech seemed to go okay.  A lot of people said nice things to me afterwards, although I struggled (as usual) with people being nice.  People cried.  I nearly cried.  I spoke about what amazing police officer Craig was.  My admiration and gratitude.  That he was a hero.  It was an honour to know him, to call him my friend and fellow officer who will never be forgotten.

 

I rushed straight to Carla when I’d finished.  I was so glad she was there.  She promised she would always be there and I know she meant it.  We both mingled for a bit but then she disappeared and I panicked.  I’d been caught up talking to Costello and some other colleagues and then when I went to find Carla again, I realised she was gone.

 

I went back to the flat and found Carla.  She’d come home to change her shoes and take her medication.  She was so lovely.  Pulled me into a lovely kiss and cuddle, told me how well I’d done, that she was proud of me. She always makes me feel so special.  Lifts me up.

 

But then I saw the box, back out on the table and it felt like my whole world had crashed back down again.  Carla told me that Betsy was near the boxes when she came home but she didn’t know if she’d gone through them.  I broke down and everything just came pouring out.  Everything I’d been holding in for so many years.

 

I told Carla the truth.  I told her that before Bex died, she had been investigated for corruption.  I’ve never told anyone before.  I never thought I would.  But I suppose I should know by now that I can tell Carla anything and all she will ever do is be supportive.

 

I explained that I’d found the letter shortly before Becky died.  That things became very tense between us, walking on eggshells.  That I didn’t believe it.  It’s not like we had a lavish lifestyle or anything.  Becky was terrible with money.  But the situation made things difficult.  So when she tried to tell me how to run my case, we argued.  I was shocked by the audacity of it.  She stormed off to work.  Ignored my calls.  And she died that night, hating me.  I felt so guilty for snapping at her.  Doubting her.  I phoned and messaged her constantly, apologising, taking everything back, sobbing, grovelling.  Getting pissed and passing out on the sofa.  When I woke up, I was a widow.  Becky had obviously got annoyed with me hassling her and turned her phone off, left it in her locker.  If she’d had it with her, might she have been able to call for help?  Saved her own life?

 

That’s why I carry so much guilt over her death.  That’s why I’ve never truly been able to let it go.  Move past it.  As much as I’ve tried.  I think I’ll always believe that Becky’s death is my fault.  She stormed off to work so angry with me for the way I spoke to her.  Was she not concentrating properly because of me?  She left her phone in her locker because of me.  Did those two things lead to her death?  Cause it?  Impact it?  I think so.  Therefore, it’s my fault, isn’t it?  And we were together for such a long time.  It’s not fair for it to have ended like that.  In a fight.  With her hating me.  With me having hurt her like that.  It haunts me.

 

The allegations were dropped after she died but she didn’t get the funeral she deserved.  The top brass blamed it on Covid but I know that wasn’t the reason.  The rules had changed by then.  Her funeral was tiny.  Only her team made it special.  I did my best but I was so broken.  It took everything I had to get through it.  To get Betsy through it.  I know I let her down.  She was a hero.  Not a bent cop.  I should have pushed for a posthumous medal or something.

 

Carla suggested that I ask Betsy outright if she read the letter, which I agreed to.  I summoned Betsy to work, which she wasn’t impressed with.  She also wasn’t impressed with Carla ‘grassing her up’.  She told me that she didn’t look in the box because she doesn’t care about her sperm donor.  Unless he’s a millionaire, he’s of no use to her.  She has me, she had Becky and I’m more than enough for her.  That meant a lot to me.  This time last year, she would never have said anything like that to me.  I hope in time, she’ll be able to say she has me and Carla.  For now, I’m just relieved that she didn’t look in the box and she is still oblivious to the corruption investigation.  She has perfect memories of Becky and I don’t want them tarnished.

 

When I arrived at work, Kit knocked on my car window, stinking of alcohol.  I could have punched him.  He was vaguely apologetic.  I was not in a forgiving mood.  He said nothing he’d written was good enough.  I quite bluntly told him he’d let Craig down and had a go at him for making me do the speech for him when he knew how hard it was for me.

 

Now, I’m sat at my desk, clearly not working.  I’m going to grab a takeaway on my way home to treat Carla and thank her for everything she’s done for me recently.

 

Lisa

 

12^th June 2025

19:02

 

I brought takeaway home to Carla after I finished my shift.  I told her that Betsy didn’t look in the box and doesn’t know anything, especially not about the row and I want it to stay that way.  Becky and I were just a normal, boring couple.  No dark secrets.  Happy.  For the most part.  I mean, there were complications.  Like any relationship.  But I loved her.  And that’s what matters, isn’t it?  I did my best.  I always did my best.  That’s what counts?

 

And now I have Carla.  Beautiful, patient, strong, wonderful Carla.  Who loves me.  Calms me.  Grounds me.  Looks at me like I’m actually something special for some unknown reason.  Makes me feel so important.  Makes me feel safe.  Puts her arms around me and nothing else in the world matters.  I love her so much.  So much.  I can hardly put it into words.

 

Carla

 

12^th June 2025

7:02pm

 

I was so worried about Lisa most of yesterday, after she went into work.  She did text me regularly, like I asked her to but I was so desperate to have her home, safe, in my arms.

 

She spoke to Betsy and confirmed that she hadn’t read the file about Becky.  She seems to feel better about that.  She doesn’t ever want to tell her anything, especially not about the argument she and Becky had before she died.  I get that.  It’s an awful thing to have to share, even though Lisa did nothing wrong.  It was stupid of Becky to leave her phone behind when she was going on a call out.  And hurtful to ignore Lisa’s calls like that when she must have known she was trying to apologise.  She’d sent texts as well, not just made phone calls.  I don’t know how Lisa copes with the guilt.  No wonder she’s been so broken.  All I can do is trying keep holding her pieces in place.  I love her so much and I don’t want her to break now that Craig’s death seems to have triggered the trauma she’s already suffered.  None of this is fair.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if I know the full story about Becky.  About her and Lisa’s relationship.  Sometimes I read between the lines and there’s an emptiness there… a shadow.  A hollow, aching to move forward.  Maybe I’m imaging it.  Maybe it’s just grief.  Maybe it’s just Lisa’s pain I can feel.  Maybe she’ll share everything with me in time.  I just need to be patient.  All I want to do is help and support her.  Love her.  Because I do love her.  More than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life.  More than any husband I’ve ever had, including Peter.  More than Liam, even.  She is the person I’ve been waiting for all my life.  My dream.  My soulmate.  My love.  My heart.  My person.

 

Next time... Betsy visits Logan in prison, Carla and Lisa make a big decision about their future and Lisa makes a mistake at work...

Chapter 49: The Mistake

Lisa

 

13^th June 2025

17:14

 

It’s been an odd day.  Not a bad one.  Mostly a happy one, really.  Apart from Betsy going to visit Logan in prison.  But even that… it turned out okay.  It turns out that the foundations of our family are… strong.

 

Last night, Carla and I went to bed and talked long into the night about everything that’s been happening. About my anxiety about Becky being corrupt.  That I don’t know the full story about why she was being investigated.  About why it was brushed aside when she died.  About my unresolved grief and guilt over how she died, about the state of our relationship when it happened.  I poured my heart out and Carla held me, stroked my hair, kissed my head and just… listened.  She was so kind to me.  Exactly what I needed.  There’s no… jealousy there.  No possessiveness.  No ‘why are you still banging on about your dead wife when you’re meant to be dating me now’.  Maybe it’s because she’s been through grief.  Her husband died.  Also the man she was truly in love with soon after that.  Her brother.  Her Dad.  We’ve talked about her past at length.  The awful things that have happened to her.  So many awful things.  And I suspect she hasn’t told me everything.  I suspect there’s more. 

 

Or maybe it’s just because she’s her.  She’s kind and patient and so deeply compassionate.  I love that about her.

 

The conversation led onto our own relationship.  Onto how much we love each other.  Need each other.  We started talking about the future, committing to each other for the long haul.  She teased me about ramming her wardrobes full of my stuff.  I made a joke about us moving somewhere bigger to accommodate everything.  She latched onto it, her eyes lighting up with excitement and tentatively suggested we bought somewhere bigger together.  Like, got a mortgage together.  Bought a house.  And I couldn’t think of a reason not to.  I love her.  I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  I mean, I was ready to propose to her the other week.  I’d still do it if she was willing to say yes.  So, that’s what we’re doing.  We’re buying a place together.  For the three of us.

 

We were so overwhelmed with excitement.  Love.  Commitment.  We ended up having sex until long until the early hours.  It was wonderful.  Honestly, there is nothing more wonderful than making Carla Connor come over and over again.  I used my mouth, my fingers.  I made my name fall from her lips repeatedly.  It was delicious.  She is delicious.  I took her on all fours using our strap-on.  Then I turned her round so I could look at her while I made her climax again.  Yeah, it was quite a night.

 

It wasn’t one sided though, that’s for sure.  Carla absolutely devoured me.  I lost count of the number of orgasms I had.  She was relentless.  And I loved every second of it.  She was destined to be with a woman, I swear.  She is incredibly talented when it comes to lesbian sex.  I still remember the first time we were together.  I was shocked that she’d never done it before, she was so good.  And every time with her, it’s just better and better.  I love being with her so much.  She’s amazing.  She left me absolutely breathless.  My body was trembling.  I hardly even knew my own name by the end of it.  She’s absolutely incredible.

 

We had a really nice morning together.  We looked at houses online.  It felt really positive to be actually going ahead with our plans.  For it not to be a passing thing in the heat of the moment that we promptly forgot about the next day.  I’m excited about the idea buying a house with Carla.  Not just me paying towards her mortgage, like I am now.  I’m excited about us starting afresh together.  A new home together.  Us.

 

We were both teasing Betsy about going out with Dylan together.  They definitely fancy each other.  But when we were having lunch together at The Rovers, Steve told us that he’d taken Betsy and Lauren in a cab to the prison earlier.  She hadn’t been seeing Dylan today at all.

 

We went home and I was very fretful about Betsy, wondering who she was seeing, how, when and why.  Carla was doing her best to reassure me but I know she was stressed too so it wasn’t easy.  We’d been looking forward to a relaxing day of giggles and house hunting.  Maybe some more orgasms.  Instead, we stressed over Betsy.

 

When she came back, she admitted she went to see Logan to ask him about the night Becky died.  She was unapologetic.  She had read the letter.  She said she didn’t trust me to tell the truth.  She claimed I’d lied to her constantly since Becky died.  I suppose she’s right but it’s not like that.  I didn’t want Betsy to know about the corruption.  I didn’t want to hurt her.  The idea of Becky being corrupt has hurt me so much.  It’s pained me.  Kept me awake at night at the mere suggestion that she could have been a dirty cop and not the hero I believed she was.  The hero that Betsy believed she was.  I didn’t want to put my daughter through what I was enduring.

 

But now she knows and she’s hurt even more because she thinks I lied to her, I betrayed her.  Carla tried to stand up for me, plead my case.  That meant a lot to me.  Logan toyed with Betsy, tried to get money out of her.  She saw through him though, thankfully.  She realised that he didn’t know anything.  Betsy left with her cash in tact but her dignity in tatters.  She says she doesn’t know who Becky is anymore and she’s blaming me for it like she blames me for everything.  All that progress we made… gone.  I was honestly trying to protect her from the pain that I was going through.  I didn’t want to ruin the memory of her mother.  The one she adored.

 

Carla

 

13^th June 2025

5:14pm

 

It’s been a day.  Not necessarily a bad day, although we’re once again in a bit of a difficult situation with Betsy, who’s currently sulking in her bedroom.  She did read the letter in the box on the day of Craig’s memorial and she went off to the prison with Lauren to speak to Logan today to try and get answers about Becky and how she died.  Obviously, she didn’t get any.  He gave her a hard time and she’s come home and given Lisa a hard time.  Blaming her for trying to protect her.  Trying to protect Becky’s memory.  Sometimes I look at Lisa, the sadness in her eyes and I just want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go.  All I want to do is protect her.

 

We had a really good talk last night.  I felt like she really started to let me in.  We talked at length about Becky and all the complicated feelings she has about their relationship, her death.  It felt very special to be let in when usually, she holds so much inside.  I listened.  I held her.  I made sure she felt heard and cared for, supported.

 

It led us to talking about our own relationship.  And that was lovely.  She told me so sincerely how much she loved me.  There was such vulnerability in her voice, in the way she was looking at me.  It only made me love her more.  And I told her that.  I told her how deeply in love with her I am, that she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, that I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it she makes me feel complete.

 

I don’t know if it’s a woman thing but I’ve never been in a relationship where sentimentality is such a turn on.  I mean, to be honest, everything about Lisa is a turn on.  She’s fucking gorgeous.  I honestly don’t know how I managed to wait so many months before I pounced on her.  But I’ve never been in a situation where having these emotional, charged up talks about our feelings and how much we love each other can lead to such mad, passionate sex.  And wow, last night, it did.  I lost track of the orgasms.  She made me come until I was absolutely shattered.  Fingers.  Tongue.  Strap on.  So many positions.  Like, so many.  And I (hope I) gave as soon as I got.  She didn’t seem to be complaining anyway.  And I love watching her fall apart beneath me, being responsible for that as much as I like being on the receiving end.  She’s just… delicious.

 

Well, I got a bit carried away with the sex there, didn’t I?  I didn’t mention the actual big news of the night, which was that Lisa and I decided to buy a house together!  Yeah!  We’re selling this place and going to get an actual mortgage together.  A bigger place for the three of us.  A new place that’s mine and hers.  How exciting is that?  I know it’s not marriage (yet) but it’s a real commitment.  And I am so excited.

 

We spent this morning looking at houses online.  And teasing Betsy about dating Dylan, as that’s who she said she was spending the day with.  She wasn’t.  She was sneaking off to the prison to see Logan.  Steve told us when we were having lunch together in the pub.  Lisa was very shaken but I thought she handled it very well.  I think I’ll try and make us some dinner.  Try and coax Betsy out of her room.  Try and get them to talk.  Break through this wall they’ve built between them.  Or you know, give them both food poisoning!

 

Carla

 

14^th June 2025

11:34am

 

I think things are okay now.  With Lisa and Betsy.  After a LOT of encouragement, they talked.  Lisa was honest with Betsy about what happened, at least as far as the investigation is concerned.  That there was an investigation but it was dropped.  Becky wasn’t corrupt.  She didn’t mention the argument and I don’t blame her.  Why make it worse?  She has promised no more secrets and I hope Betsy will drop it now.

 

We told her about our plans to buy a place together and she was genuinely excited!  I was worried that she’d kick off.  That it might be too big a step.  Me and Lisa, combining finances properly, cementing our future like that.  But she was really excited.  We spent ages looking at houses and apartments together.  Me and Betsy.

 

And that was one of the sweetest things about it.  Lisa let me tell her.  Let me take the lead.  I don’t know.  It felt like she was… making me a central part of their family?  Telling her daughter about our plans.  I feel like we’ve come so far over the past few months.  Even just a few weeks.  Sometimes, when we’re sat cuddled up in front of the TV – the three of us – and Betsy cuddles up to me, my heart just soars.  That little hole in my heart, that I’ve still not told Lisa about and I don’t know why, it heals just a little.  I know Betsy’s not mine.  She can never be mine.  She’s Lisa’s.  Becky’s.  But sometimes… she feels a little bit… like mine.  Like she could be mine.  Like mine and Lisa’s.  And it feels so strange because I never ever imagined allowing myself to feel that way.  I love Simon but he was very much a step-son.  Ryan is my nephew.  Bobby is my nephew.  I’ve not blurred boundaries before.  But Betsy…  Yeah, it’s blurry.  And I don’t know if I’m allowed to feel that way or not.  And I’m too scared to ask.

 

We had a lovely evening together last night, the three of us.  Lisa finished off making dinner.  Betsy and I looked at houses and then Lisa came to look too.  We all chatted, ate, discussed moving plans and watched a film together.  It just felt so lovely.  I genuinely don’t know what I did before The Swains came into my life.

 

Lisa

 

14^th June 2025

14:02

 

Things are feeling… pretty good right about now.  Carla and I are buying a house together.  Getting a mortgage.  She might have said no to my marriage proposal but she’s willing to make a massive financial commitment to me.  I mean, that’s huge, right?  That’s her telling me that she’s in this for keeps.

 

I was cooking dinner for us all last night and watching her with Betsy and I couldn’t stop smiling.  Just watching them together.  I wouldn’t want to freak her out by saying it.  She told me ages ago that she chose not to have kids.  That she didn’t want them.  But I watch them together and she’s such… a Mum.  She’s absolutely gorgeous with Bets.  And Betsy responds so well to her.  I know they had some issues recently but those seem to have calmed down.  They’re back to being cuddly and silly and playful.  They have so much in common.  We spend time together and it feels like we’re a proper family, that Carla is a Mum to her.  But they also don’t exclude me either, which I often felt with Becky.  I love them.  Together.  Us together.

 

And I love and appreciate just how bloody good she’s been for Betsy and I.  Right from the start, she’s been so healing for our relationship.  And last night, she practically forced me to deal with things head on instead of burying my head in the sand and avoiding a difficult conversation about Becky.  So we did talk.  I was as honest as I could be about everything.  I didn’t tell Betsy about the argument but we did talk about the corruption and I assured her that it was dismissed.  I still have this nagging doubt in my mind that it was buried rather than dismissed and it hurts my heart to even think about it.  I’m trying not to pull at the thread because I will unravel and things feel too lovely right at this moment to let that happen.  But things are fine with Betsy and with Carla and that’s the most important thing.

 

Lisa

 

17^th June 2025

09:01

 

I’ve unravelled.  I’ve been so bloody stupid and now I’ve got myself into so much trouble.  I’ve been put on desk duty.  Costello is making me see a fucking counsellor.  I don’t even know how this happened.  How did it all go so wrong?

 

Well, I do.

 

Becky.

 

This bloody Becky thing has been nagging at me.  I mean, it’s been nagging at me for years but my grief has allowed me to put it in a box.  I’ve fallen into that trope of idolising a dead woman.  Telling myself that she was the perfect Mum.  Perfect wife.  Perfect cop.  I’ve papered over the cracks.  Used her to beat myself up with for years.  Tormented myself with the guilt and grief of everything I did wrong and never allowed myself to dare even ask whether there was any truth in the allegations.  It made me feel like I was betraying her.  It still makes me feel like that.  But I also feel like there are so many questions I need answers to.  That I’m never going to be able to completely settle and move forward until I know who I was married to.  How she died.  Why she died.  Why she left me and Betsy completely and utterly broken.

 

So, I’ve been getting up early.  Working in the lounge before going to the station.  Yesterday morning, I got up and went into work to get some files so I could work from home.  I came back just as Carla was on the phone, leaving me a voicemail.  I feel bad because she never complains.  Never.  Even when I abandon her in bed.  Come in late.  Leave early.  I know she misses me when I shut down like I have this week.  And it’s a shitty week to have done it because we’re meant to be getting excited about our plans and I’ve let all this get in my head instead.  I feel so out of order but I can’t seem to control it.

 

She was flirty when I said I was working from home.  Working from home usually means something else in our house!  We usually get… distracted!  But today, I was focussed.  To the point that I ended up taking myself to the café because she was distracting me.  And I really needed to focus.

 

Not that it was any less distracting in there.  I was definitely better off giving up and having sex with Carla at home!  Instead, I had to put up with Daniel prattling on about JK Fucking Rowling.  I mean, who the fuck is pro JK Rowling in this day and age?  Well, too many people, as it happens.  That’s the problem.  If I’d been on my game, I would have had a rant.  But I was not on my game.  So I just sat there, kind of vacant, trying to focus on all the Becky shit in front of me.  Everything just felt like a riddle I couldn’t figure out.  And Carla kept calling and texting and nagging and I kept ignoring her and I feel so bloody guilty about it.

 

In the morning, she’d told me very excitedly that Yasmeen had dropped the price of number 6, Coronation Street.  She was so excited and I was so unenthusiastic.  And I feel so bad about it.  Because I am excited.  I am.  I want us to buy a place together.  I want us to make that commitment.  I want us to look round number six and get excited about what bedroom we’ll have, where the furniture will go.  I want to put my own mark on our home.  I want us to take that next step in building a life together.  Me and Carla.  Forever.  But my head is a fucking mess and it’s screwing everything else up right now.  And I hate it.  I hate myself.

 

So, everything went sideways when Brody walked in.  He started hassling Daniel.  Ruined the papers he was marking and started mouthing off.  And I just… lost it.  I don’t know what got into me.  Maybe it was because he’s Mick’s son.  Maybe because I bloody hate bullies.  But I overreacted.  I know it I did.  Even fucking Daniel didn’t back me up, ungrateful bastard.  And Brody thought it was all a laugh – at first.  Handcuff jokes and all sorts.  I wanted to punch him.  I didn’t.  But I was possibly a bit too rough with him.  And then when he made a jibe about Craig, I lost it and hauled him into custody.  Just as Carla and Alya walked into the café.  Not my finest moment.  I don’t imagine she was very proud of me or of being my girlfriend.

 

I dragged Brody to the police station and that’s where the custody officer and I found unlabelled medication in his pocket.  We both assumed it was something illegal and he wouldn’t tell us what it was.  He was being incredibly stubborn and argumentative.  If he’d have just told me that it was for Epilepsy!  I opted to get them tested and held him in a cell, where he shouted abuse at me.  Called me a mad cow and all sorts.  Claimed I was setting him up.  Told me I was going to pay for what I’d done.  I mean, I am.  But I swear, he never told me he had Epilepsy.  He never told me what the medication was for.  He never told me he felt unwell.  If he said anything, it was after I left.

 

In the office, Kit challenged me about Brody.  I thought it was a bit of a cheek, to be honest.  He arrested the lad himself recently and it was Kit’s own mother who provided him with an alibi!  But I said I’d let him stew for a bit and then let him go.  Only then, Jess rushed in and said he’d had a fit.  I felt awful.  Sheer panic.  Overwhelming guilt.  And Kit piled it on, of course.  Brody accused me of hurting him on purpose.  Kit all but accused me himself.  Sent me home like he was my superior officer and not the other way round!  Honestly, I think that bloke needs to go on some kind of etiquette training.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m a woman or if it’s me personally but the way he fucking speaks to me…

 

Jess took Brody to see a Doctor and I’ve had confirmation that he’s okay.  Why didn’t he tell me about his condition and what the meds were for?  Of course I would have treated him with more care.  Of course I wouldn’t have withheld prescription medication!  Why wasn’t it bloody labelled?!  Why are kids so bloody stupid?!  But I shouldn’t have arrested him in the first place.  I was taking shit out on him and that wasn’t fair.

 

I basically went home and cried.  I tried to hide it from Carla when she came home but of course, I failed.  She knows me too well.  I broke down and told her what happened.  She was so lovely, even though I know she was horrified by what she’d seen at Roy’s.  She gave me a cuddle and just let me talk.  Gently asked me why I arrested Brody.  Reassured me that it won’t come to a suspension or a sacking.  And then she asked me the question I’ve been avoiding.

 

Has Craig’s death brought back everything that happened with Becky?

 

I reluctantly admitted that it has.  And I would have elaborated but then I got the text from Costello, summoning me to a meeting.  Carla held me, as I started crying again.  Then she drove me to work and waited outside for me for my entire meeting.  I mean, how lovely is that?  She said she didn’t want me to drive in the state I was in and she didn’t want me to be alone for any of it that I didn’t have to be.  So she just took the whole afternoon off work, drove me there, waited for me and then drove us home again.  Because she loves me.  I am so incredibly lucky that she loves me.  Takes care of me.  Even when I don’t make it easy.

 

Costello wasn’t as hard on me as I feared.  He could have suspended me.  He probably should have.  Instead, he put me on desk duty until he could investigate the complaint that Kit (so obviously Kit) made against me for what happened.  And he’s insisting on this counsellor shit.  I don’t want to see a fucking counsellor.  I didn’t even see a counsellor when Becky died.  Costello tried to insist on it then but I refused.  Managed to avoid it.  I just… don’t like talking about feelings and that kind of thing.  I mean, I can talk to Carla.  She’s the first person I’ve been able to talk to in a long time.

 

I got Carla to drop me off at Kit’s.  She didn’t want to.  Didn’t think confronting him was a good idea.  But she didn’t want to mollycoddle me or control me either so she agreed.  I stormed up to his flat, yelled at him about being put on desk duty and forced him to admit he made the complaint.  He wasn’t even remotely sorry.  I admitted I made a mistake but Brody DID NOT tell me about his Epilepsy.  He’s 100% lying about that.  We argued.  I swear none of this is about Brody anyway.  He’s probably just after my job.  Again.  And I’m pissed off because I turned a blind eye when he went after Mick.  I didn’t want to.  I was conflicted.  Torn up over Craig.  But I stood by Kit, against my better judgement.

 

I stormed back out, only to find that Carla was in the car, waiting for me again.  I’d assumed she’d gone straight home.  But no.  My angel had waited for me a second time.  Always making sure I was okay.  Safe.  Well.  Loved.  Always.

 

I’m on my first day of desk duty today.  Kit isn’t working, thank goodness.  I do not need his smug face in my face all day.  Or I might end up getting arrested for assault.

 

Carla

 

17^th June 2025

11:39am

 

I’m worried about Lisa.  Really worried.  She made a big mistake at work yesterday.  She overreacted to that kid, Brody in the café.  He was hassling Daniel and she ended up arresting him and hauling him to the station.  I walked in on the tail end of it (because she stood me up) and it was… uncomfortable to say the least.  Then things got worse when she took medication off him because it wasn’t labelled (I mean, all medication has to be taken off people anyway but if it had been labelled she would have known to let him have it if he’d needed it and the idiot wouldn’t tell her what it was).  Then he had a seizure because it was for his Epilepsy.

 

She won’t stop beating herself up over the whole thing.  She doesn’t handle guilt well.  People think she’s so tough and that’s how she presents herself but she’s so soft, is my Lisa.  So gentle.  So kind.  And she feels things so deeply.  Especially guilt.  She knows she did the wrong thing and this has hurt her so badly.

 

Of course, Kit has put the boot in.  Kit who literally had Brody’s Dad beaten up in prison for killing Craig and also had Brody arrested himself recently.  But he’s got this weird relationship with Lisa where he almost bullies her and I hate it.  It makes me absolutely furious.  So, he’s now put in a complaint so Lisa’s boss has put her on desk duty and is making her go for counselling.  I mean, it could be worse.  He could have suspended her.  And I don’t think the counselling is a bad thing.  I actually think it’s a good thing.  I tried to encourage her about it but she wasn’t keen to hear it last night so I didn’t push too much.

 

What I did do, after I found her sobbing at home after the incident with Brody, was comfort her and support her.  Then I drove her to work for her meeting and waited outside for her.  I intended to drive her home but she wanted to speak to Kit so I reluctantly drove her there and waited outside for her.  She was surprised to see me outside, I think.  She thought I’d go home but I didn’t want her to deal with any part of the day alone.  I didn’t want to be overbearing but I did want to take care of her.

 

We went home and had dinner and talked.  Not too deeply.  Just gently.  Carefully.  Cuddled a lot.  I listened. She was very apologetic about everything.  I didn’t need her to be.  I just need her to be okay.  She’s my world.  My everything.

 

And she did let me down today.  We were meant to go and view number six today.  Coronation Street.  I was really excited.  Yasmeen has dropped the price so we could get it for a steal.  I feel disappointed because it seemed like Lisa was excited and all in about buying a place and then today she was just… not interested. She left me on read.  She ignored my calls.  She’s been buried in some old case all week.  Getting up early.  Going to bed late.  She’s been so distracted.  Distant.  It feels a bit… like before.  Again.  And I don’t really know what to do about that.  Apart from hold her.  Be there for her.  And know that she’ll come back to me when she’s ready.

 

I’m certain it’s all about Becky.  That that’s the old case she’s been working on.  She actually admitted to me that Craig’s death has ‘maybe’ triggered her grief over Becky.  I mean, it’s a start, isn’t it?  And I know she told Betsy that Becky definitely wasn’t corrupt but this whole discussion about it?  I know Lisa.  I know she doesn’t leave questions unanswered.  I’m shocked she’s left it all these years without investigating.  But honestly, I’ll be stunned if she lets it go now.  And I’m worried.  I’m worried that it’s going to drive her mad, knowing, not knowing…  The answer is going to hurt her either way.  If Becky wasn’t corrupt and they argued and she died.  It hurts.  If she was, it changes everything she ever knew and loved about her.  And it hurts.  And I just cannot bear for my darling to be hurt.

 

Next time... Carla and Lisa attend the drag night at The Rovers, Carla and Lisa's date night is interrupted and Carla shares some of the pain of her past...

Chapter 50: Party Time!

Notes:

It feels like ages since I posted anything! I also cannot believe we're at chapter 50.

T/W discussions of sexual assault and miscarriage (and quite a lot of mental health chat).

Carla

 

19^th June 2025

11am

 

We had an absolutely fantastic night last night.  I feel like things have taken a positive step forward and I’m so incredibly proud of Lisa.  She’s been so fragile the past few days but not only did she come out last night for the Rovers drag night (and I know she wasn’t keen) but she also said she was going to go for it with the counselling.  I know Costello is basically forcing her but she said she was going to properly go for it.  Make it work.  I know she’s scared.  I know she doesn’t want to do it.  But she’s going to try with it anyway.  Going to give it her best shot.  Do everything she can to get herself off desk duty and back to the job she loves.  The job she’s bloody good at.  Get herself back into the life she loves.  With me.  With our family.  Looking to the future, towards buying a house together.  And that makes me so happy.  So incredibly proud of her.

 

So, last night, Glenda put on a drag night at the pub.  One of her better ideas to get the punters in.  And I love all that stuff.  Long before I was anything other than an ally.  And I didn’t really like to say to Lisa.  It made me feel a bit… silly?  But it felt kind of special being there as more than that.  As actually part of the LGBTQIA+ community.  I didn’t think it would really feel any different but it did.  I mean, I might not have exactly settled on a letter yet.  I might never.  And Lisa says that’s okay.  I’ve asked her.  Like, is she bothered?  About me not labelling myself.  She just asked me if I was comfortable and happy with who I was, how I felt about myself and how I felt about her.  I said I was the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. 

And she said, “Well then.”

And gave me this lovely smile and a massive hug.  And so, I don’t feel that pressure.  All the while Lisa loves me.  Understands me.  All the while we’ve got each other.  Which I hope will be for the rest of our lives.  I know I never need to worry about any of the details.

 

She was not keen on the idea of the drag night but I managed to persuade her.  Even if she did call me a bully!  I provided wine, kisses and offered to get my pom-poms out when she apologised for being a miserable cow and thanked me for being her cheerleader.  Well, I’ll always be her cheerleader.  She’s my girl and I’m proud of her.  She’s going through hell right now but she’s facing up to life every bloody day, fighting through and trying her best.  I know all she wants to do is curl up and hide away.  I know half the time she doesn’t even want to talk to me.  I know that because her instinct when she’s struggling is to shut everyone out, push us all away.  But she’s fighting her instincts.  She’s cuddling.  She’s talking.  She’s engaging.  And that means everything to me.  The way she’s trying.  And I feel so honoured that she loves me that much that she’ll make herself uncomfortable just so we don’t lose each other.

 

We were a bit late to the drag night due to me deciding to join Lisa in the shower.  I don’t regret a moment of it though!  It was bloody amazing.  She is bloody amazing.  It was a lovely way to start the night.

 

And the whole night was brilliant.  We were crammed in with Billy, Sean (who was behind the bar) and Asha.  Todd and his new boyfriend Theo came too, although they didn’t stay.  I’m not too sure of Theo, from what I’ve seen.  He caused a right ruckus, shouted at Todd and stormed out.  Something about him just gave me a bad vibe and I’ve dated enough ‘bad vibe’ men in my time.  I even married one.  Todd can definitely do better, in my humble opinion.  But yeah, it was kind of cool to be part of the Queer contingent of Coronation Street.  Although I felt a bit awkward when the drag queen was calling out different labels and I didn’t fit into any of them (see my above discussion).  Lisa (reluctantly, because she doesn’t do audience participation) put her hand up when she asked if there were any Lesbians in but I’m not a lesbian.  I don’t even know if I’m bi.  I feel too old to say I’m pansexual.  Isn’t that for young people?  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  Lisa says it doesn’t matter so I’m sticking with her.  In every sense.

 

We had a really good laugh with everyone.  Glenda was on top form.  She performed several numbers (of course she did) with the drag queen (Kristen Squat Thomas) and even George up on stage with her.  I was quite impressed with him, actually.  Although, they were a bit like Ross and Monica doing The Routine!  Lisa said the same thing!  Debbie and Bernie turned up for a bit (greeting us lot with ‘hello gays’, which I didn’t love and I don’t think Lisa did either).

 

I joked with Lisa that I’d nearly sent her up to sing (well, she did do a lot of drunk singing the night before we got together!) when Kristen Squat Thomas was looking for volunteers.  She warned me that it would have been the last thing I ever did, which cracked me up.  We almost got cuddly for the romantic part of the evening but then we felt bad, as Billy started talking about Paul so I could hardly snog her face off then, could I?  And she looked so bloody gorgeous as well.  I really wanted to snog her.  I mean, we were very close all night.  I found it hard not to have my arms around her.  Not to touch her.  Hold her.  Kiss her.  It was so lovely to be out properly with her, to be on a date with our mates around us, to get to show her off as my girlfriend, the woman I love, the woman I’m going to get a mortgage with.  The woman I’m going to marry one day, when the time is right.

 

We had a good laugh doing shots (I just pretended because I’m still not drinking at the moment.  (I can’t lie – I’m getting a bit sick of orange juice).  Later on in the evening, everyone was dancing and having a laugh.  I dragged Lisa up to dance with me.  She told me in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t dance.  She told me ages ago.  But I persuaded her and she admitted afterwards that she enjoyed it.  Having me twirl her around in my arms.  And I loved it too.  I couldn’t help but think about what it might be like if we did get married.  What our first dance would be like.  As wives.  Ever since she asked me, I can’t stop thinking about it.  And I know it was right to say no.  I know it wasn’t the right time.  And deciding to buy a place together feels like a wonderful next step for us.  Maybe from there, if she can start to heal from all these questions she has about Becky… we could revisit the question.  I’d like to be able to revisit the question.

 

When we got home, we cuddled up on the sofa and we had a really nice chat.  We chatted about Theo.  She said she didn’t get a good vibe off him either.  We both accept that he could have just been having a bad night but there’s just something about him that seemed a bit… off.  That led her to complain about Daniel.  Not that she gets a bad vibe about him but just that amid all that Brody stuff the other day, he pissed her off (I might not rush to mention that I once had a fling with him), even before Brody came along.  Apparently, he was rabbiting away about JK Rowling and who the hell is talking to a lefty lesbian about a TERF?  She subscribes to The Guardian for fuck’s sake.  Go and find a Daily Mail reader, you moron.  For someone who claims to be so worldly and knowledgeable, how dense is he?  He’s sat in Roy and HAYLEY’S café, chatting about a woman whose life’s ambition seems to have become less about writing to provide joy for kids and more about eradicating human rights for women based on whether she believes they’re women or not.  Yeah.  Fuck off, Daniel.  And fuck off, JK Rowling.

 

Anyway!  I could tell she had stuff on her mind so I encouraged her to open up.  She told me she doesn’t want to fight the counselling anymore.  She wants to get back to do the job she loves.  I told her that I was proud of her.  She tried to dismiss the whole thing as just a chat but it’s more than that and we both know it.  She said she hopes it’ll do her some good.  I said it’s the beginning of her moving on and I think that’s brilliant.

 

I gave her lots of reassuring strokes and kisses.  I wanted her to know how proud I was of her.  Then she turned around in my arms and kissed me properly.  Asked me if I really meant it, that I was proud of her.  I told her I’m always proud of her.  She denied having done anything to be proud of but I insisted that she has, that just facing every day with how she’s feeling right now is something to be proud of.  She told me she wouldn’t be able to face anything if it wasn’t for me.  And that made a different kind of pride bloom in my chest.  She’s so generous with her compliments, with her credit.  And I love that about her.  I’m so grateful for it.

 

She kissed me then, almost possessively.  It took me by surprise but it was definitely not unwelcome!  I thought we’d already had our orgasms for the evening, before we’d gone out.  We were in Snuggle Mode.  But wow.  Thank goodness Betsy was out for the night or she could have walked in on something that might have scarred her for life.  We never even made it to the bedroom!  She just… took me right there on the sofa.  It was fucking amazing.

 

And when she’d left me absolutely breathless, she jumped up, ran into the bedroom and reappeared wearing nothing but the strap on, ready to go again!  And go again we did!  Wow.  She really is amazing.  I am very lucky.  I mean, I can hardly bloody walk straight today!  But I am definitely not complaining!

 

Lisa

 

19^th June 2025

14:04

 

Yesterday was a good day.  Well, it was a boring day, actually.  Stuck on desk duty with Kit making comments all day.  Not my idea of fun.

 

But the evening was brilliant.  I had a really nice time.  And sex.  Lots of sex.

 

Carla was desperate to go to the drag night at the pub.  I really didn’t want to go.  Carla persuaded me with compliments, flirting, a glass of wine and sex in the shower.  And oh… it was good.  I mean, all of it was good but particularly the sex.  And it’s not easy at fifty, kneeling in the shower, going down on a woman!  But… she did and it was fucking amazing.  I still marvel sometimes at the fact that she only did that for the very first time (not in the shower – that came later) in November.  Honestly, her mouth.  Wow.  Just wow.

 

Actually, the drag night was fine.  Fun, even.  The drag queen, Kristen Squat Thomas, was really good.  Really funny.  Glenda got up on the mic (Carla almost threaten to shove me up there!  No bloody way!) and she dragged George up with her, which was brilliant.  Carla and I both said it was reminiscent of the Friends episode where Ross and Monica perform The Routine.

 

We mostly hung out with Billy, Sean and Asha.  It was nice to spend some time with Asha again.  I like her and she was a great support to me when Craig died.  I don’t think I was much use to her but maybe I helped.  A bit.  The whole day is a bit of a blur.  Billy was a bit of a… struggle a times.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  He’s a nice guy.  And I completely empathise.  I mean, I’ve been him.  I know what it’s like to lose someone you love.  Especially when everyone is having fun, a lot of them in couples, around you.  It’s why I kind of took myself out of my own social life.  Ended up with hardly any friends at all.  I’m glad Billy isn’t doing that.  Glad his friends aren’t letting him.  It’s a very lonely life as a widow(er), with nobody else around you.

 

But being completely selfish about it, I’d dragged myself out and I just wanted to be happy with Carla.  It was so nice being out with her.  She was so loving and affectionate all night.  Always with her arms around me.  Holding me.  Kissing me.  And then when Kristen slowed it down for a more romantic number, I thought I was right in there until Billy announced that the song reminded him of Paul and basically cock blocked me.  I was all set to ram my tongue down Carla’s throat but then obviously, I couldn’t and we spent the whole song empathising about his loss instead.

 

Loads of people came though.  Rita, Debbie (who greeted us with ‘hello gays’, which didn’t impress us much – especially Carla), Bernie, Ronnie (who stormed out), Todd and Theo.  Neither Carla nor I are very sure about Theo.  He hasn’t done anything exactly but he just comes across very hostile.  Aggressive.  Carla says that Todd isn’t exactly pure as the driven snow but he’s a nice enough guy, especially since he came home after some time abroad.  He’s really settled down, got himself a career with George.  Looks after Summer, who he, Billy and Paul raised together.  I gather he and Billy used to be an item.  He hasn’t stepped a toe out of line.  But this Theo… he seems a bit… edgy?  I don’t really know anything about him about from bits of gossip we’ve both picked up.  He had a wife and kids.  Very recently and reluctantly out.  He definitely wasn’t comfortable being at the drag night last night.

 

I think Carla had a good time.  I love seeing her happy.  Laughing.  Spending time with her mates.  We all did shots at the bar and she pretended, did an invisible one.  Even pulled a face, like it tasted horrible.  She’s so silly!  So cute.  She dragged me up dancing.  Literally.  Called me a ‘miserable old cow’, if you please!  I’ve told her plenty of times that I don’t dance!  But actually, I loved it.  I loved her twirling me around, holding me.  Having fun together.  I tried not to think about what it would be like on our wedding day, dancing to our first dance.  I kept having to remind myself that she said no.  Or, not yet.  I have to stop thinking about marrying her.  She’s not ready.  Or doesn’t think I or we are ready.  So, I need to wait.  For her.  Propose when she thinks the time’s right.  Or let her propose.  Would she propose?  I don’t know.  I mean, she’s always been with men before.  Maybe she’d expect me to propose?  Becky proposed to me.  To be honest, I wasn’t even thinking about marriage.  I was happy bumbling along like we were.  I thought she was too.  I was surprised when she asked me.  I nearly choked on the ring; she put it in a champagne glass at dinner.  The only time I’ve ever proposed to anyone was when I asked Carla last month.  And I completely screwed that up.  Ugh!  This is clearly not me avoiding thinking about marrying her!

 

So yeah, we did have a good time.  Both of us.  I think the only time Carla had a little wobble was when Kristen started calling out different labels.  Are there any lesbians in the room?  Etc.  And I know that sort of thing makes her feel uncomfortable.  Because she hasn’t labelled herself.  We’ve talked about it plenty of times and she’s under no pressure from me to fit herself into a box.  Falling for me came as a huge surprise to her.  I think it surprised me even more – that she fell for me.  This incredible, beautiful woman who has desired and been desired by men all her life…  I mean, what’s special about me?  I don’t know.  But I feel very lucky.

 

When we got home afterwards, we had a lovely cuddle on the sofa.  I laid in her arms and we chatted.  We talked all about the evening.  Shared our thoughts on Theo.  I told her about what Daniel said the other day, going on about JK Rowling and we both had a proper rant about TERFs and Trans Rights.

 

Then she started nudging me about what was really on my mind.  I love and hate how well she knows me.  I told her that I’ve decided not to fight the counselling anymore.  She was surprised but so encouraging, telling me how proud she is of me and that made me so incredibly happy.  I’d been thinking about it all evening and I just… want to get back to my life.  I want to get back to doing the job I love.  I want to live a long and happy life with the woman I love.  With my family.  I want to leave my demons behind.  Lay my ghosts to rest.  I know it’ll be a process.  Probably a difficult one.  But I’m ready to try.  Ready to properly move on.

 

She was so loving with me.  So gentle.  The conversation led to stroking.  Kissing.  Cuddling.  More kissing.  Touching.  Then I just… had to have her.  Right there on the sofa.  I couldn’t even make it to bedroom.  Thankfully, Betsy was out for the night!  After I’d made her completely fall apart, right there on the sofa, left her naked, gasping and wet; I still wasn’t satisfied.  So, I went into the bedroom, stripped off, attached the harness and strap on and came back into the lounge.  The way she looked at me was almost enough to make me come right there and then.  I took her again.  And again.

 

I don’t know what came over me.  Well, I do.  But honestly, I felt… possessive.  Obsessive.  Completely consumed by her.  Desperate for her.  That woman has got completely under my skin.  And I love it.  I love her.  So, so much.

 

Lisa

 

22^nd June 2025

16:26

 

It’s been a lovely weekend.  Last night, inspired by the drag night, Carla and I went down to Canal Street and ventured to some gay bars.  We had a really nice night.  It was very chilled.  Very fun.  It was just nice to be out together.  Having a laugh.  We had lots of mocktails.  Did lots of kissing.  Lots!  And then came home so we could have our wicked way with each other! 

 

I am very much enjoying getting to go on proper dates right now.  Maybe desk duty isn’t the end of the world.  It means I’m sticking to normal, boring hours.  Nothing is particularly stressful at work, apart from having to sit across from Kit taking the piss all the time.  Honestly, if there wouldn’t be repercussions, I would slap his smug face.

 

But I enjoy being home before Carla.  Making dinner.  Making a fuss of her.  It stops me spiralling, sinking into these awful feelings I have all the time.  They’re always there, pressing on me.  Hurting me.  But I don’t want to give into them.  I don’t want them to ruin what I have with Carla.  I’m so frightened that one day, she’s going to say that’s it, she’s had enough of me.  She says she’s in this for keeps but how long is she going to want to keep me moping around the flat like I am?  I mean, it’s not fun, is it?

 

So, I’m trying.  I’m really trying.  Making dinner.  Making an effort.  Taking her on dates.  (Hopefully) giving her mind blowing orgasms.  I need her.  I need her to love me.  I need her to keep me.  I don’t know what I’d do without her.

 

Today, we took Betsy and Ryan out for Sunday Lunch.  We had a really nice time together, the four of us.  We all ate way too much!  Betsy has taken herself to bed.  Ryan has gone home.  Carla and I have been tucked up on the sofa with a film for most of the afternoon and now we’re both writing our diaries.

 

I’m back at work tomorrow but I’m finishing early, as Carla and I are going to a gig.  It’s this indie band I’ve liked since I was about twenty.  I’ve seen them a handful of times so I was really excited when I saw they were playing locally again.  I told Carla about it and she bought us tickets, which was really sweet, especially considering she’d never even heard of them before I moved in and had them playing all the time.  She’s such a sweetheart.

 

Carla

 

22^nd June 2025

4:26pm

 

I am so full of food!  We just got back from an amazing roast – me, Lisa, Betsy and Ryan.  It was lovely.  But I ate way too much!  We all did!  Ryan has gone home to recover.  Betsy’s in her room.  Lisa and I have just finished watching a film and now we’re both writing our diaries.  I love that she writes a diary too so it’s something we can both do at the same time.

 

We had a really nice evening last night.  We went out to Canal Street and hit a few different bars.  We drank a LOT of mocktails.  It was really fun.  Just being out together.  Flirting.  Kissing.  We did a lot of kissing.  And then we can home and had a lot of sex.  I wish I could adequately explain just how amazing she is in bed but I feel like it’s impossible.  The things that woman is capable of with her mouth, her fingers…  She’s incredible.  I am so bloody lucky.

 

Lisa

 

24^th June 2025

16:56

 

We never made it to the gig.  I’m so disappointed!  Hopefully they’ll play here again sometime.  I was really looking forward to seeing them.  And especially to seeing them with Carla.  I love sharing new things with her.  Sharing things that I enjoy and having her share the things that she enjoys with me.  It’s one of the things I love about us.  That we engage so much in each other’s lives and interests.  I’m even working on getting her to go for a run with me.  She insists I’ll never win her over but I’m sure I can be persuasive.  I mean, I’ve got her watching football and she’d never watched a football match in her life.  All those husbands and she’s managed to avoid it.  Imagine!  But she watches with me.  And she’s even starting to get into it a bit, I think.  I’m (reluctantly) watching all kinds of reality TV nonsense.  And I’m starting to get why it’s so bloody addictive. She loves shopping.  Like proper, girlie, trying everything on shopping.  My idea of absolute hell.  But I’m happy doing it with her.  I’m happy doing anything with her.

 

So, I was all set and ready to go to the gig.  Carla was late.  Okay, she was on time.  I was early.  I was chomping at the bit to go into town, park, make sure we got ourselves right to the front.  Carla is just a lot more casual than I am.  About pretty much everything!  She told me on our way that my excitement was cute.  I’ll take it.

 

She gave Betsy £20 to lock up the factory, so we didn’t have to make a pitstop on our way.  That was our first mistake!  Of course she didn’t actually lock the place up.  Instead, she went and got drunk at a party with her mates – Lauren, Aadi, Asha, Amy etc.  It was actually a very strange night, which Carla and I are kind of starting to work out the details of now but not 100%.

 

We’d barely even got to the gig before Rita called Carla to tell her that it looked like someone was in the factory.  We turned around and came back.  I was trying to get through to Betsy while Carla found that the factory was indeed locked, which really confused us.  Then Aadi appeared and he was being really strange.  Started chatting some nonsense about a cricket ball.  Then we spotted Betsy across the road, leaving the party.  She hurried back inside when she spotted us so we ended up storming into the party after her.

 

She was drunk.  Mouthy.  The usual.  We ordered her to go home.  Amy said she’d escort her.  Carla was set to go back to the factory.  I was in bossy mode by then so I insisted she waited for me.  There was no way on earth I was going to let her check out the factory, which had potentially been robbed, all by herself.  The last time she did that, she had her head smashed in and ended up with a bleed on the brain.  Which led to Sepsis.  Which led to a kidney transplant.

 

Thankfully, nothing major was wrong.  Apart from Aadi still hanging round, acting strange.  And clumsy.  He fell over outside, on his way in.  I couldn’t resist winding him up a bit, suggesting that he be my back up as we went inside.  The place was a bit trashed but nothing had been taken.  Aadi vanished while Carla and I were checking the office.

 

We missed the gig.  I suggested calling it into the police but Carla didn’t want to.  Nothing had been taken.  I took my own photos just in case she changed her mind and then helped her tidy up.  We grabbed some chips on the way home, including some for Betsy to soak up some of the alcohol.  She wasn’t feeling well by the time we got back.  We made her drink a pint of water, dosed her with pre-emptive paracetamol and tucked her into bed with a sick bucket.

 

Then we cuddled up on the sofa together.  Carla put the band’s music on Spotify to try and cheer me up over missing the concert but it was actually her I was worried about.  I could tell she was shaken up over the break in.  I gave her a cuddle and encouraged her to talk to me.  She admitted she was feeling a bit stressed, after what had happened last year.  It had brought everything back.  I mean, it’s understandable, right?  It was really traumatic for her.  And with Betsy having been responsible for it, I’m still overwhelmed by just how forgiving her heart is, that she would take me and Betsy into her love, into her home, into her life the way she has.

 

We actually haven’t talked loads about what happened.  I don’t know why.  Maybe she didn’t want to hurt me by bringing it up.  Maybe I’ve subconsciously avoided it.  But we did talk about it last night.  At length.  She told me how frightened she’d been.  Walking into the factory when it was trashed.  When she realised someone was still there.  How painful it was.  The experience of waking up from her injury.  How sad she’d already been because she’d just come from the pub where I’d just made it clear that I didn’t want to be with her.

 

That made me cry.  She apologised for bringing it up.  I said I needed to hear it.  I apologised for the way I hurt her back then.  That I wish I’d handled things differently.  That I’d been braver.  Stronger.  Capable of going after what I truly wanted.  Her.  I told her that I’d wanted her for such a long time before that but I just hadn’t been able to admit it to myself.  And I certainly hadn’t been able to comprehend that she could want me.  She asked me why, which led to a lot of compliments.  Compliments that made her blush.  And kiss me lots.

 

It was lovely.  We just lay there on the sofa, cuddling and kissing and whispering sweet nothings.  I love nights like that.  Holding her close.  Knowing she’s mine.  How on earth can this Goddess actually be mine?

 

I’ve been at work today.  Still desk duty.  I won’t have any chance of doing any real police work until I’ve had this counselling session, which isn’t for another couple of weeks.

 

The day started with us heading off to get a greasy breakfast for Betsy who was suffering a terrible hangover.  We bumped into Brian, who mentioned Aadi and Lauren leaving the factory together at around half eight last night.  The same time that Carla and I were checking the place out, with it having been broken into.

 

Well, Carla was like a dog with a bone after that.  I begged her not to kick off, which she laughingly assured me she wouldn’t.  And to be fair, she didn’t (I don’t think).  But she did do some good investigative work.  We could probably do with her on our team!  She interrogated all the kids about what happened.  Poor Lauren then came downstairs looking awful and collapsed and had to be rushed to hospital.  Carla, Asha and Aadi all went to the hospital with her.  Carla stayed.  The poor kid has a broken rib, a ruptured spleen and internal bleeding!  I mean, what the hell happened last night?!

 

Aadi keeps insisting that Lauren was just very drunk last night but Carla is convinced that there’s more to it.  Lauren told her that she was suffering with hallucinations – of Joel.  She said she barely drank any alcohol and doesn’t understand why she ended up so out of it.  She said she was terrified she was losing her mind.

 

Carla tried the kids again – Aadi, Asha, Summer, Nina and Amy – but they all claimed not to know anything.  I suspect at least one of them knows something and I would assume it was Aadi, being that he was with Lauren and he was also acting very strangely.  But… I’m on desk duty so what can I do?  Carla also asked Betsy but she had no clue.  She just had a lovely evening.  She hung out with Lauren until she vanished and then she hung out with Amy for the rest of the night, until Carla and I dragged her home.

 

They’ve all denied that there were drugs at the party but Carla is certain that Lauren was spiked with LSD.  It was only a couple of years ago that Stephen Reid was doing the same thing to her, trying to replicate the symptoms of the psychosis she suffered years back.  That’s how we met.  When she came to me, trying to prove that she was being spiked.  It’s crazy, thinking about it.  How we met, how far we’ve come.  I still remember the first day I saw her.  I remember thinking how beautiful she was.  Breathtaking, I think was the word I used.  And I remember being really startled by it because it had been two years since Becky had passed and in that two years, I’d not so much as noticed another woman.  Not once.  Then Carla walked into the room and I was just… in awe.

 

So, she came to see me at work today.  They know her at work now so she can pretty much just saunter in and come into my office.  It’s not really allowed but nobody seems to mind.  I definitely don’t mind, especially when she strides in, looking as hot as she did today, kisses me like she did and then starts playing with my hair to try and get round me!  I really love it when she plays with my hair.

 

She wanted me to do a drugs test for Lauren; get it rushed through to give the kid some kind of peace of mind.  I told her to get Lauren to do a urine test and then I can get the drugs test done so we can figure out if Lauren has been spiked.  She was very grateful.  I got more kisses.  She whispered that she’d show me just how grateful she was later tonight so now that’s all I’ve been thinking about!  Honestly, that woman drives me crazy sometimes!

 

I’ve since ordered Kit to go and investigate the spiking.  Go and interview the kids at the party and find out what they know.  I can’t do it because of being deskbound.  It’s so bloody annoying.  I saw him head over to Dev’s so hopefully he’s actually doing it.

 

I decided to knock off early.  I’m just updating here and then I’m going to get showered and changed.  I’m going to have dinner ready for when Carla comes home and then I gather she was going to offer me some… gratitude.

 

Carla

 

24^th June 2025

5:45pm

 

I have barely done any work today.  I’ve basically been here in the factory for about two hours and now I’m just updating my diary before I go home.  Lisa said she’s making dinner so I’ll have to make sure I’m not late.  I’m looking forward to spending the evening with her.  We had the most incredible kiss earlier.  Yes, I know I’ve kissed her hundreds of times by now.  We’ve been together seven months.  But this kiss… it was something else.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it all day.  Or about the fact that I told her I’d show my full appreciation for her helping me today, tonight.  The way she looked at me…  Yeah, I’m excited to get home!

 

It all started last night.  Lisa and I were meant to go to a gig together.  I’d bought us tickets to some indie band she loves.  I quite like them too.  She’s always listening to them and she was so excited when she saw they were touring.  She’s loved them since she was in her twenties.  Quite a few hot lesbians in the group.  Wow.  Is that something I write now?  Hot lesbians?  Okay!  Let’s put that down to the Lisa Swain effect, shall we?  She’s been slowly absorbing me in all things LGBTQIA+.  TV.  Films.  Music.  And it’s funny because she is so not the kind of person who runs around waving a rainbow flag.  But she’s also got this sexy self-awareness, cultural awareness and I love that about her.

 

Anyway, I digress.

 

She was practically dragging me out the door for the concert.  Accused me of being late when I was very much on time!  She is definitely an early person for that sort of thing.  I opted to give Betsy £20 to lock up the factory for us so we didn’t have another job to do before we left.  And we had just about made it to the concert when Rita called to say that there was some kind of activity going on at the factory.  So, we had to abandon ship to go and check it out.  I offered just to go on my own and come back but she insisted on coming with me.

 

We tried calling Betsy but she didn’t pick up – because she was at Aadi’s party, getting drunk.  We spotted her across the road and charged over there and ordered her home!  It turned out that she hadn’t locked the factory, or she certainly couldn’t remember if she had or not.  As usual, she got distracted.  She hadn’t set the alarm.  And instead, she’d gone off with her mates to get pissed.  I mean, we did get to embarrass her in front of everyone like the awful Mums we are.  I mean, not that I’m her Mum, obviously.  I know that.  It’s just… the more I fall in love with Lisa, the more that I love Betsy, the more we feel like a family… the more she kind of feels like mine?

 

I decided to go and check out the factory, to which I received a very stern, “No on your own, you’re not!”

Honestly, she is so strict, sometimes!  And honestly, I really like it.  I was never into bossy men but this bossy woman of mine… oh, she does something to me!

Plus… I know where it came from.  The last time I wandered into the factory on my own like that, I got battered.  And I think Lisa kind of holds herself partly responsible, even though she shouldn’t.  So, I should have known there was no way she would let me venture in there by myself.

 

When we got there, Aadi was behaving very strangely outside.  I’m a little suspicious, I must admit.  If he wasn’t such an incredibly nice, well behaved lad, I’d be pushing the police to investigate things further.  But he’s never been in any trouble, unlike most of the kids around here – including Betsy.  I just can’t see him having done anything wrong.  But he was behaving very strangely.  Lisa couldn’t resist winding him up a bit.  Honestly, she’s a demon sometimes with that sarcasm of hers.  I love it though.

 

We had definitely been broken into.  Nothing had been taken but the place was trashed.  Lisa and I spent most of the night clearing up.  She wanted to call her colleagues in but I refused.  Nothing had been taken so what was the point?  She took photos anyway, just in case.  Aadi disappeared.

 

We got home to Betsy, who was still feeling worse for wear.  We’d grabbed some chips for the three of us.  Fed Betsy, dosed her up with water and painkillers and put her to bed with a sick bucket.  Then I put the band’s album on so Lisa and I could pretend we were at the concert.  I have to admit I was a bit freaked out by the break in.  Lisa was lovely.  We ended up talking about what happened last year.  We haven’t really discussed it much.  It’s not comfortable, is it?  Talking about the shit stuff when you’re finally, over the moon, sickeningly happy together?

 

I admitted how frightening the whole thing was.  And I hate admitting to being scared by anything.  Lisa is pretty much the only person I can be that vulnerable with and even then, it’s reluctant.  We even talked about how grief stricken I was before I arrived at the factory, because she’d just spelt out to me in no uncertain terms that she never ever wanted to date me.  Yeah, that was quite possibly the worst day of my year last year!

 

I feel kind of bad talking about it because she started crying.  I apologised.  She said she needed to hear it and apologised for hurting me.  She said she wished she’d been braver then, able to be honest about what she really wanted.  She admitted she’d wanted me for ages before we got together.  I managed to tease a lot of compliments out of her after that.  And a lot of kisses.  We spent hours on the sofa, just cuddling and kissing, telling each other how much we loved each other and why.  It was lovely.

 

Today, I have been playing Detective.  Brian mentioned that he saw Aadi and Lauren leaving the factory at around half eight last night – when Lisa and I were still in there.  Well, that set me off investigating what the hell happened last night.  I went over to Dev’s to talk to the kids.  Lauren came downstairs looking like absolute shit – and then collapsed.  We rushed her to hospital.  I waited with her most of the day.  She told me she barely drank anything.  But then she started hallucinating.  That she was terrified she was losing her mind.  She thought Joel was there.  Back from the dead.  She ran off and locked herself in the factory.

 

Well, I was immediately concerned.  It sounded exactly like when Stephen was spiking me with LSD.  Her whole description of what the hallucinations felt like.  It was such an awful time for me.  I had that car accident and knocked poor Paul over.  I checked myself into a mental health clinic.  That’s actually how Lisa and I first met.  When I turned to her for help proving the spiking.  Nina had told me that DS Swain was really kind. Really helpful.  And I remember being really mad at her (Lisa) because she hadn’t been immediately either of those things.  It was only later that I realised she was trying to be but was limited by what she was allowed to do.  I was still with Peter then.  No hint, I don’t think, of me being about to run off with a woman!  But I do remember noting that she was gorgeous.  I remember being entranced by her eyes.  She really does have the most beautiful eyes.  And I remember being thoroughly amused that someone so small was a Detective.  It’s really quite amazing how far we’ve come, almost two years on.

 

Anyway, I went back to speak to some of the kids from the party, who all claim to know nothing.  I spoke to Betsy and I genuinely believe she doesn’t know anything.  I know her well enough now to know when she’s lying.  Then I went to visit Lisa at work (they just let me into the office now!) and persuaded her to do a drugs test for Lauren, even if just to put her mind at rest or give her some clarity over what happened.  She was a bit reluctant but she knew it was important to me.  She knew it was affecting me after what happened with Stephen.  So, she told me to get a urine sample and she’d send someone over to get it tested.  I might have done some hair playing and some kissing in order to persuade her.  And I might have suggested sexual favours as a reward, which isn’t exactly a hardship!

 

So, I’m going to stop writing now and get myself home!

 

Carla

 

26^th June 2025

9:30am

 

Yesterday was… tough.  Lisa and I have shared almost everything about our lives.  Almost everything.

 

Last night, I told her about the rape.  Both times.

 

See, I went to see Lauren again, just to check on her.  See how she was doing.  The police had come round, sent by Lisa and they’d asked her if she thought something might have happened to her when she was spiked.  She didn’t think so.  She asked me about it – Lauren, I mean.  I asked her a few questions.  Did she have any bruising, pain?  She said no.  She said Aadi found her conscious but hallucinating at the factory and brought her back to his.  Looked after her and it seems likely that Aadi would do anything to her.  The way he looked after Amy when she was raped.

 

But thinking about it all stressed me out a little bit.  I was very distracted by the time Lisa got in.  She noticed immediately.  I told her about the conversation with Lauren.  She empathised.  Said those were her most excruciating cases.  That it broke her heart when she hadn’t been able to get justice for Amy.  That she’d fought so hard for her.  Got into trouble for losing her temper with her boss over it.  Broken the rules when Amy got into trouble herself – more than once – not wanting to ruin her life because of something that had been done to her.

 

She knew something was up with me though.  She cuddled up to me.  Held my hand.  Asked me if Lauren was getting to me for more reasons than the LSD.  I struggled through the words.  I was clumsy.  But I told her.  I started with what happened when I was ill.  It seemed the most similar story.  She kissed my temple, stroked my arm.  Listened.

 

Then I told her about Frank.  I heard her breath catch.  She held me a little tighter.  I asked if she thought differently about me now.  She rushed to reassure me.  Said if she thought any differently of me it was only that she thought I was even more incredible than she always thought I was.  I’m relieved.  I think that’s what was holding me back from telling her.  We have such a happy life together.  And such a fantastic sex life.  And I think I felt a bit worried that maybe… it would put her off?  If she knew what I’d been through.  What my body had been through.  That she’d feel like she needs to… handle me with care?  That she wouldn’t desire me anymore.

 

I had no choice but for Peter to know.  But Lisa wasn’t around.  She didn’t need to know.  Except… I want her to know everything about me.  And I want to know everything about her.  Because that’s what love is, isn’t it?  Trust.  Honesty.  Openness.  And she just couldn’t have responded in a more perfect way.

 

She asked me questions – but not intrusive ones.  She didn’t withdraw any kind of affection.  She kept reiterating how much she loved me, telling me how special I am, for the way I’ve survived so many things in my life.  But her words were full of love, admiration.  Nothing patronising.  No lip service.  She wanted to know what happened.  If I got any justice.  No.  Not unless you count Frank’s mother murdering him, that is.  Even she was a bit shocked by that.  She vaguely remembered the case.  Not the details but the name.  The circumstances.

 

It felt like I relief to share it with her.  She asked me if that’s when I had counselling.  I’d already told her before that I’ve had some in the past and it helped me.  I said yes, that was one of the times and it did help.  Other times included when I had my psychosis.  I want to tell her about mine and Peter’s baby.  There hasn’t really been a right time.  I don’t know why I’m avoiding it really.  As if she’s not going to be kind.  She’s always kind. 

 

I’ve told her everything. 

 

All the details of my marriages – Paul, Tony, Nick and both times with Peter.

 

I’ve confessed to cheating on Nick when he did nothing wrong.

 

I told her all about Peter’s affair and Tina’s murder.

 

I’ve even told her about shitty childhood.

 

I’ve talked to her at length about Liam.  How surprised I was when I fell in love with him.  How devastated I was when I lost him.

 

We’ve identified a LOT of female crushes I’ve had over the years – Jodie, Suzy, various intense working relationships I’ve had.  So, falling for her isn’t as out of the blue as it first appeared.

 

I’ve talked to her about my psychosis.  Rana.  Kate.

 

Aidan.

 

My Dad.

 

The suicide attempts.

 

There’s barely a thought in my head I can’t share with her.

 

But I haven’t told her about the baby.  Not yet.  Maybe because having a kid is her thing?  Not mine.  I don’t know.

 

She was so perfect last night though and I feel so grateful to have her.  So incredibly grateful.

 

Lisa

 

26^th June 2025

09:45

 

Carla was raped.  Not recently.  Years ago.  On two separate occasions.  By two different men.

 

The first time, she was engaged to a man named Frank.  She called off the engagement and he raped her.  The second time, she was in the depths of psychosis and a man took advantage of her.  She doesn’t remember it.  But he informed her, gloatingly, that it happened.  And she knows it did because he described her body… her beautiful, perfect body with its scars and…

 

Oh God.

 

I hope I responded well enough.  I wasn’t expecting it.  I mean, we’re women.  We should always be expecting it to be part of our story somewhere.  I’ve had a near miss.  I managed to fight my way out.  It still traumatised me.

 

But to go through that… not once but twice?  On top of everything else I know she’s been though…  How is my girl still standing?  She always tells me I’m a hero.  But it’s just my job.  I get paid to go out and fight crime.  She’s the hero.  She’s the one who’s faced all this trauma and yet she’s so full of grace and love and kindness.  Every day.  Far more than I am.

 

She’s lost so many loved ones.  Nearly lost herself several times along the way.  And yet she’s this beautiful force of compassion all the time.

 

I just hope I didn’t let her down last night.  I hope I didn’t say stupid, pathetic things.  Or worse, the absolute wrong thing.  I’m used to dealing with that kind of thing as DS Swain, not as Lisa.  I hope Lisa did okay.

 

I mostly held her.  Asked gentle questions.  Reassured her.  I tried not to look aghast when I realised she was genuinely asking me if I was repulsed by her now I knew.  I mean, as if.  As if I could ever be.  She isn’t what those men did to her.  She is her.  Carla Connor.  It doesn’t change how I feel about her.  Why would it?  The only difference is that I admire her even more than I did before – which was a hell of a lot already.

 

We spent the whole night in each other’s arms, just holding each other.  I’m so glad she felt able to tell me.  I’m so glad we have the kind of relationship where we can tell each other anything.  I hope she feels she can trust me.  I absolutely trust her.  I’m not sure I’ve ever trusted anyone more in my life than I do Carla.  There’s something so… gentle about her.  Something about her that makes me feel so incredibly safe.  And it’s funny really.  Just over a year ago, she was always on my case.  I’d arrested Roy and she took every moment she could to harass me, criticise me, tell me I was shit at my job.  And then in that one moment of vulnerability, everything changed.  And apart from the odd bump in the road, we’ve just never looked back.

 

I still have to pinch myself sometimes, that it’s really real that Carla Connor is in love with me.  And stop myself raging when I think about the men who have treated her so badly in the past.  Cheated.  Raped.  Almost murdered.  Neglected.  It sounds like, from what she says, that Liam was a nice guy, although I know from my own experience, death can romanticise a person and hide their flaws.  Other than that, I think only Nick didn’t do anything bad to her.  Maybe because he’s not interesting enough?  Having said that, he has just dumped his wife to shag her sister so maybe I’m not giving him enough credit!

 

Next time... Carla and Lisa view number six, Lisa starts therapy and Maria reports Gary missing... 

Chapter 51: Therapy

Notes:

Thank you as always for your support and encouragement with this story. I really appreciate all your lovely comments. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Carla

 

9^th July 2025

2:03pm

 

Lisa and I just viewed number six.  It was actually really lovely, getting to go and see the house with her, after the failed attempt the other day when her head was clearly not in the right space for it.

 

I suggested booking in with Alya again over breakfast and she was much more enthusiastic.  Asked if I could arrange it over lunch and she would make sure she was there.  So I did.  And she was.  She was early, in fact.  Waiting for both of us.

 

We walked into what I hope will be our new home, holding hands, feeling like a strong, united couple.  And I really felt… happy.  I had a bit of a joke (not in front of Alya) about some of the awful things that have happened in that house.  Lisa was a little aghast.  When I first got involved with Underworld, when Paul and Liam owned it, Tracy Barlow was living there with her then partner.  Charlie Stubbs, I think his name was.  She caved his head in with an ornament!

 

Then there was Geoff Metcalf, Tim’s Dad.  He abused Yasmeen for months in that house before he fell off the roof and died.  I’d be shocked if there weren’t more stories.

 

Lisa said she remembered both cases.  She was just rising up the ranks then, aiming for DC with Tracy.  She wasn’t heavily involved in the case but she did some of the background work.  She desperately wanted to work on Yasmeen’s case.  When she was sent to prison for hurting him – in self-defence – Lisa could barely sleep, thinking about her in a cell, having suffered already so badly because of him.  But Costello wouldn’t let her join the team.  He said she was clearly too affected by Yasmeen’s story and it would cloud her judgement.  So, she had to let it go.  But she’d followed it closely.  Stressed over it.  Celebrated when she’d been freed.  Been upset when Geoff had died rather than been made to face justice.

 

I asked her if she’d ever told Yasmeen about it but she said no.  It’s not the kind of thing you bring up in the queue at the café.  I suppose not.  I just… marvel sometimes at how deeply she… loves.  And I wish everyone else knew about it.  She has this DS Swain Swagger, as I call it, which I find incredibly sexy.  I never want her to lose it!  But it means she lets things bounce off her a lot.  It comes with a lot of sarcasm and wit.  It means she doesn’t let her feelings show.  And that’s what the world sees.  They don’t see this softness inside her.  This gentleness that I love so much.  They see her arresting people, interviewing people.  They don’t then see her staying up all night for weeks on end, trying to find that tiny piece of information that will be the key to saving someone.  The key to changing the course of someone’s life.

 

But anyway, we looked round the house and it really did feel like we could make a home there.  It’s lovely.  It’s got a spacious downstairs and even a Conservatory.  I’ve always wanted a Conservatory!  A lovely garden.  More than enough bedrooms.  Lovely bathroom, although we’ve lost our en-suite.  Other than that, it’s perfect.  I’d really like to put an offer in.

 

Lisa

 

9^th July 2025

15:09

 

We looked round number six at lunch time and I think we should put an offer in.  It’s lovely.  Perfect location.  Within our price range.  The house is great.  Loads of space.  It’s even got a Conservatory and Carla told me really early in our relationship – it might even have been before we got together – that her dream was to own a house with a Conservatory.  She said that when she was a kid, she always thought those houses were dead posh so she always wanted one.  Well, now we can have one!  If Yasmeen accepts our offer, that is.  Oh, and the garden is lovely.  Really beautiful and well looked after.  I hope Carla’s good with plants because they are not my thing.  Maybe that’s a Betsy job.

 

It’ll be really funny buying a house from Yasmeen.  I was only talking to Carla about this the today, when she was giving me the lowdown on the house of horrors we’re buying!  I wanted to work on Yasmeen’s case, when she was being abused by Geoff and put him in hospital after he attacked her.  Costello wouldn’t let me because he thought I was too emotionally involved.  I’d never even met the woman!  I’d just read the file and I felt compelled to help her.  It pained me to think that a woman who had been abused was suffering further in prison.  It didn’t feel right.  Not at all.

 

Becky thought I was mad.  Stupid.  Getting myself all torn up over some woman I didn’t even know.  But I wanted to help her.  I was desperate to help her.  I even tried (and failed) to do some investigative work on the side.  Thankfully, she was released but even a minute in prison for her was too long.  Geoff’s true nature was revealed to everyone but too late.  He died falling off the roof.  Never faced any kind of justice.  I found that very frustrating.  A bit like Joel.  Murder was too good for him.

 

Lisa

 

10^th July 2025

11:45

 

I’m at work.  I’ve got my first therapy session shortly and I DO NOT want to go.  I’ve tried and tried to think of ways I can get out of it but Costello is insisting that it’s mandatory.  Kit is fucking loving it.  Rubbing it in my face.  Being that he bloody caused it.  Making that complaint.  Making Costello put me on desk duty.  I’ve already had a meltdown about my bloody chair.  It’s meant to swivel.  It’s an office chair.  Office chairs swivel.  That’s what they’re meant to do.  Mine does not.  And it’s really irritating.  Especially as I’m stuck in it all day doing mindless paperwork when I should be out there doing my actual, proper job.

 

Maria came in this morning to report her husband, Gary missing.  They had a bit of a falling out so he went to stay with his mother.  He had sort of kept in touch but not much.  He should have been home on the 23^rd but he didn’t turn up.  His Mum confirmed that he was heading home.  It was also their son, Liam’s birthday but he made no contact.

 

Maybe it’s my mood but I was sceptical.  They had a row.  People can be stubborn.  He could have just pissed off for a bit to lick his wounds.  He might not be ready to come home yet.  He might need more time.  But she was angry with me.  Thought I had a bad attitude.  Rubbed it in about me being on desk duty.  Does every bastard know?  Then she stormed out.

 

Of course, Kit has decided to play the hero.  Apparently, there’s some coma patient at the hospital.  He’s going to go and check it out, just in case it’s Gary.  Imagine if it was and I’d dismissed it but Kit had saved the day.  He’d never let me forget it.  Nor would Maria.  Ugh!  I hate this.  I hate that I’ve got to do this stupid therapy.  I just want to go back to how I was.  Back to doing what I love.

 

Carla was very sweet this morning though.  She made me toast and coffee for breakfast.  Tried to encourage me.  Made it clear that one doesn’t snuggle up with their therapist – “they won’t like it and nor will I!”

She cracks me up.  I love her so much.  She reminded me that she has been through therapy herself and it helped.  Thinks it will help me.  I remain doubtful but I know I have to drag myself through it regardless.

 

Carla

 

10^th July 2025

12:34pm

 

Lisa will be in her therapy session now.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her all day.  I know she doesn’t want to go.  She has to though.  It’s a condition of her returning properly to work.  And it’s the one time I think Costello is right.  Not about the desk duty; the therapy.  Normally, I think he’s being too hard on her but I genuinely think this therapy will be a blessing.  I think it will be hard.  For her.  For us.  I think it could open a can of worms, to be honest.  Get her thinking about all manner of things she’s avoided thinking about for a long time.  But I think she needs to at least try and start processing all this trauma she’s been enduring for so many years.  There’s only so many years you can keep a lid on all that pain before it gets the better of you.

 

I made her some breakfast this morning, which she picked at.  We had a chat about therapy.  Even a bit of a laugh.  She made a comment about how she’s not the snuggle up and talk about your feelings type.  Which is quite funny because actually, she is.  With me.  That’s exactly what we do.  What we’ve always done.  Long before we got together.  But I made a joke about how you don’t snuggle up with your therapist – they won’t like it and neither will I.  She laughed at that.

 

She said she’d call me when she was done.  Let me know how it went, even if she wasn’t up to talking about the details.  I’m just so worried about her.  Especially as Sarah came back not so long ago, having spoken to a rather irate Maria.  Apparently Maria has reported Gary missing and she felt like Lisa didn’t take it seriously.  She was very angry with her.  I’m worried that Lisa might have been upset by that, taken it to heart.  She pretends she doesn’t but she does.  I know she does.  I’m so desperate for this session to go well and for her to make some progress on her healing journey.

 

I might also have done something a bit naughty…  Well, last night, after work, Lisa and I did have a bit of a chat about the house.  We both liked it.  Both said we could see ourselves living there.  But we didn’t exactly firm up any plans to put an offer in.  But then Alya called me this morning and asked what our thoughts were and I… put an offer in.  She said she would have to ring her Gran but she seemed to think it was reasonable.  Plus Yasmeen is a neighbour.  Kind of a friend.  I mean, someone I would stop and say hello to.  She also told me Yasmeen was quite fond of Lisa.  She said she’d observed her several times with different people – Amy when she got into trouble a couple of years ago, Craig, Nina after she was attacked.  Thought she was very kind, apparently.  And thought she and I made a nice couple.  Well, that’s quite the compliment.  It was an opportunity to tell her how much Lisa cared about Yasmeen when was suffering with Geoff.  How hard she tried for her.  But I didn’t have Lisa’s permission to share so I stayed quiet.  For now.

 

Lisa

 

11^th July 2025

10:13

 

So, I had my therapy session.  It wasn’t awful.  I mean. They were nice.  Floyd.  Practically a giant.  I know I’m short but he is one of the tallest people I’ve ever seen.  He rivals Kit!  I mean, I know I’m not the tallest, as Carla likes to keep pointing out.  Why do I keep getting paired with such oversized men?

 

I did my best not to talk in the appointment.  He had an annoying habit of making me talk when I didn’t mean to.

 

I told him that I was the favourite with my parents.

 

I talked briefly about Craig dying.

 

I admitted my mistake with Brody, which is what provoked the whole situation.

 

I rambled a bit about plants.

 

I praised Carla for how supportive she is.

 

I complained about the way Betsy moans at me.

 

He drew a comparison between losing Craig and losing Becky, which distressed me because I hadn’t been prepared to talk about Becky with him.

 

I admitted I wasn’t sure I knew Becky as well as I thought I had.

 

We talked about the effect grief has on a family.

 

But I wasn’t very keen to talk about it.  Any of it.  So, I escaped as soon as possible.  Gutted that I now have to do it all again.  And again until the bloke thinks I’m ready to be signed off.  I honestly thought it was one and done!  Why do I have to keep seeing him?

 

I phoned Carla as soon as I got out of there.  I didn’t want to go back to work.  I didn’t even see the point anyway.  I’m only on desk duty.  So she finished too and met me at the pub.  I demanded a double vodka and complained that therapy had been a waste of time.  That he’d wanted me to talk about Becky.  I admitted that I feel like I don’t know who Becky even was anymore.  She was very gentle with me.  She always is, especially around the difficult things.  She told me that I need to try and put it aside or I’m going to have a breakdown.  I said I wasn’t sure if I could.  She was all cute and said I needed to if I was going to recover and get back out there, detecting stuff. 

 

But I was looking at her and I realised, properly, for the first time, just how worried she is about me.  I mean, I’m not stupid.  I know she’s been worried.  The way she’s been with me the last few weeks.  The way she’s held me a little tighter.  The effort she’s put into looking after me.  Cooking, running extra errands, listening to me fretting.  Being my little cheerleader every day, always telling me how amazing and wonderful she thinks I am.  How proud she is of me.

 

She also didn’t get me a double vodka.  There was only lemonade in it!  She feigned ignorance but yet again, she was looking after me.  As much as I wanted a drink, she knew it wouldn’t help.  I mean, she was married to an alcoholic for years.  She even had some problems with alcohol herself for a time.  I love the way she cares about me.  It’s been so long since I had someone who protected me like that.  To be honest, I’ve never really had that.  Becky was amazing but I was the one who did the looking after.  She was fun, she was flighty, she was loving, she was funny, she was kind.  She was brittle and harsh at times, too.  She was amazing with Betsy.  But she relied on me to take care of her, for the most part.  It wasn’t a bad thing, necessarily.  It was just how we were.  It was probably my fault.  I’m not the easiest person to get along with, reach out to.  I don’t let my defences down easily.  I’m not… soft?

 

But that’s the thing.  Carla says I am.  She says that DS Swain is no nonsense, full of ‘sexy swagger’ and you wouldn’t mess with her.  But Lisa is soft and gentle and cute.  I’ve never felt like that before.  I’ve never felt so open and relaxed in my life.  I can just be completely myself with Carla.  I’ve found parts of myself I didn’t even know existed.  I’ve found parts of myself I actually like.  She’s so easy to be with.  She is such a joy.

 

I told her that last night.  I thanked her for looking after me.  She said it was a pleasure.  She said she would always look after me.  Because she loves me.  I tried to explain everything I just wrote.  I don’t know if I managed it very well.  But I tried.  She was quite emotional.  Just… held me.  Told me she loved me again.  Told me she felt honoured that I felt safe like that with her.  I said I did.  That she was the most beautiful person I’d ever met in my life.

 

But anyway, I’ve skipped ahead.  Back in the pub, we got interrupted by Debbie, who was mightily pissed off that we had put in a bid on number six.  First I’d heard of it!  Evidently, Carla had just been about to tell me when Debbie pitched up – to invite us to withdraw our offer!  Which Carla ‘politely’ declined.  She told us she needed the house because she needed to be on the Street to support Kevin in his battle with cancer and also reminded us that she has Dementia.  I mean, it tugged at my heartstrings but not Carla’s, who refused to back down.  Seeing her in full on businesswoman mode tugged at something else in me, I must admit!

 

They decided that they would leave it for the best businesswoman to win and Debbie marched off.  Carla was then left to explain to me how we’d ended up putting an offer into the house without my knowledge.  Not that I minded.  I loved the house yesterday and I’m very excited by the prospect of moving there.  I still feel kind of distracted.  All this talk with Floyd has made me feel like I need to find out what happened to Becky once and for all.  But when we went home, I tried to check the files on her case and I’d been denied access, which is incredibly frustrating.

 

I left it though.  Carla had run us a bath with cheese, nibbles and fancy candles and that generally only means one thing!  And I’d been pretty turned on by seeing her in businesswoman mode in the pub.  It really was very hot.  So, I gave up the search, stripped off and joined her in the bath.  We had our snacks and soft drinks.  We chatted.  That’s when we had the conversation about the way she looks after me.

 

I got stuck with the tap end but not for long!  Our conversation led to much kissing, which led to several orgasms, both in the bath and after we got out!

 

I tried again to search for the files I need when I got into work but no luck.  I’ve been banned from accessing them.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m on desk duty or because they don’t want me seeing her particular files.  But I’m very frustrated.  I need to know what happened to her.  I need to know if she was corrupt or not.  I need answers.

 

Oh, the coma patient wasn’t Gary.  Ha!

 

Carla

 

11^th July 2025

1:55pm

 

We actually had a lovely afternoon and evening yesterday.  I cancelled work to meet Lisa in the pub.  She wanted double vodka but I ordered soft drinks instead, which she reluctantly admitted later had been a good move.  Consoling yourself with alcohol is never a good idea.  I know that only too well.  She knows all about Peter’s struggles and I’ve been honest about my own.

 

She struggled with her therapy, mainly because the therapist wanted to talk about Becky and she didn’t feel comfortable doing so.  I was honest with her.  She needs to find a way to get past her feelings about not knowing who her wife truly was or she’s going to have some kind of breakdown.  I didn’t say it, of course, but I’m terrified of that happening.  She seemed to take it on board.  I think.  I hope.

 

We were interrupted by Debbie charging over and outing me over putting and offer in on number six, which I had literally just been about to confess to Lisa.  She invited us to withdraw on the basis of Kevin having cancer and her having Dementia.  She needs the house as she needs to be on the Street to support her brother, she says.  I offered to give her first dibs on the flat but she wasn’t interested.  She was annoyed, actually!

 

Well, it’s not that I don’t feel sorry for her.  Or Kevin.  But this is my life and my family and my future and we need somewhere bigger.  Somewhere that’s ours, not just mine.  I mean, sure, Lisa could buy into my mortgage.  She sold her house ages ago.  But it means she’s got a load of stuff in storage, that she has to pay for every month.  We can’t really fit two people’s worth of stuff in the flat.  She does pay towards everything in the flat, including the mortgage.  But it’s not… ours.  I mean, it is.  It’s our home.  But financially, it’s not ours.  It’s also the flat I had with Peter.  It holds a lot of beautiful memories with Lisa.  The first time we kissed.  The first time we slept together.  The moment we decided to make a go of things.  So many wonderful times we’ve had.  But I really want somewhere fresh and new that we chose together.  That has all new memories of just us.  Me, Lisa and Betsy.  I mean, I’d ask Ryan to move back in with us if I could.  The house is big enough.  But I don’t think Lisa would want him as well.  I mean, I haven’t asked.  Maybe I should ask?

 

We had a really nice evening when we got home.  Lisa spent a bit of time on her laptop.  She was running through some finances for the house, she said.  I ran us a bath, complete with nice (soft) drinks, cheese, nibbles and fancy candles.  I managed to prise her away from the computer to drag her into the bath, not that it seemed like that much of a hardship once I’d stripped off!  She told me that seeing me in ‘businesswoman mode’ with Debbie had turned her on more than it should have.  I liked that!  Hmm… maybe we could role play sometime…

 

Anyway!  In the bath, we actually had a really lovely chat.  She thanked me for the way I looked after her.  Told me that nobody had ever looked after her like I do, made her feel so safe and cared for.  She said she can be completely herself with me.  Never has to pretend she’s okay if she isn’t.  Never has to fear that I’ll judge her or push her away.  She said I always seem to know what to do, how to be.  She said she loves me so much for it.  The way I take care of her.  She actually said she’d found parts of herself that she hadn’t known existed.  Soft parts that needed cuddles and gentle words.  Encouragement.  Support.  Pride.  And she said I gave her all of that and more and she would never stop being grateful for the moment she met me.

 

I felt quite overwhelmed by her words.  And a bit guilty for shoving her up the tap end of the bath.  We met in the middle, legs entwined, kissing messily while our… other lips were all pressed up against each other.  We were all hot and wet and desperate and emotional.  In the bath.  Out of the bath.  Over and over again.  Yeah, it was a good night.

 

A far cry from the nightmare day I’m currently having at work.  Kirk has messed up a delivery.  Everyone has come up to me whining about something insignificant.  I’ve had a huge cancellation of an order.  And all I want to do is go home and have a repeat of last night!

 

At least we have our weekend away to look forward to this weekend.  The trip to London to see Wicked has FINALLY arrived.  Well, almost.  I am so excited.  I can’t wait to whisk Lisa away, like she whisked me away a couple of months ago.  We’re going to have so much fun.  I’m definitely packing the sex toys again!

 

Next time... Carla and Lisa enjoy their weekend away...

Chapter 52: Wicked!

Notes:

Good morning! Here's to an exciting Swarla Day! I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Lisa

 

11^th July 2025

16:44

 

We’re in London!  Carla has booked the fanciest hotel!  Like, I don’t even want to think about how much this has cost her!  The bed is MASSIVE!  We’ve already had sex in it.  We literally closed the door, dumped our bags and tore each other’s clothes off like we were twenty, not fifty (and approaching).  This resurgence in my love life is insane when I really think about it.  This time last year, I couldn’t imagine being anything but alone.  I couldn’t even touch myself.  I’d lost the ability to climax.  Now I’m with the most beautiful woman in the world and we can’t seem to get enough of each other.  We’re lying naked in a massive bed in a gorgeous hotel, beside one another, writing our diaries before we get ready to go out for dinner.  Yep.  This is the life.

 

Carla

 

11^th July 2025

4:44

 

London is proving to be excellent so far!  I’m thoroughly enjoying myself!  The hotel is as lovely as it looked online.  It’s one of those fancy ones where they take your luggage up into your room for you.  I mean, they should do.  I paid a fortune for it, including extra so we could check in early, as we got an early train down.  First class, just like she treated me to when we went to Brighton.

 

We had planned on doing some sightseeing today but we’ll have to push that to tomorrow because we have basically spent the whole afternoon in bed.  I honestly don’t know what came over us.  So to speak.  Maybe it was the sight of the huge bed that did it.  But we’d barely said goodbye to the lad who brought us up and closed the door before we were tearing each other’s clothes off.

 

And it was bloody amazing.  Sometimes, when I’m lying there, with her head between her thighs or her fingers buried deep inside me, I seriously regret my life choices.  Like, why the hell did I spend my twenties letting Paul paw at me when quite frankly, he was a 4/10 in bed at best (not to mention some of the other blokes I’ve been with) when I could have been doing this?  I mean, if I’d known then when I know now, I swear I would have moved Heaven and Earth to track down Lisa Swain.  Maybe I would even have considered some other women enroute?  Maybe I’ve really missed out.  Who knows?

 

What I do know is that I never ever want anyone else to touch me again.  Just Lisa.  Only Lisa.  Honestly, that woman has ruined me for anyone else.  Absolutely ruined me.

 

So, tonight I’m taking her to a restaurant called Mildred’s.  I’m hoping she’s going to find it cute.  Because she took me to that incredible vegetarian place in Brighton and she was so nervous about it.  This is a vegetarian place that has the same kind of reputation and reviews.  It even has its own cookbook, apparently.  Not that that’s relevant to me!  But it could be to her!  There are a few around but I’ve booked the nearest one to the hotel, just a short tube ride away.  I’m hoping she’ll like it and not think I’ve gone mad!

 

Carla

 

12^th July 2025

10am

 

She liked it!  She thought I was ‘adorable’ to finding a place like Mildred’s and thankfully, the food was bloody amazing.  If it wasn’t for Roy’s bacon, I’d almost consider going veggie, based on the restaurants we’ve been to over the past couple of months.  I mean, there must be similar round our way.  And I have been enjoying trying new things over the last year…

 

Anyway, we had a lovely evening.  We had lovely cocktails.  Lovely food.  Lovely conversation. And it really was lovely conversation.  Proper dreamy date kind of stuff that you can only really do when your away from your normal environment.

 

We talked about when we first met.  Like when we actually first set eyes on each other.  I admitted that I noticed how gorgeous she was but I had no way of understanding then what that meant or what it would lead to.  I confessed that as time went on, I realised I was starting to become kind of fascinated by her.  Frustrated by her but fascinated.

 

She told me that I was the first (and only) person she’d been attracted to since Becky had died and it had really caught her by surprise.  I know that since she was widowed, she hadn’t slept with anyone.  And I know she’d even struggle… you know, by herself.  But she told me that she was so deep in grief and so dead, sexually, that she’d stopped so much as noticing women.  And then I walked into the police station.  She remembers being really shocked to have noticed me.  Thinking that I was beautiful.

 

We talked about the times at the beginning of last year when we kept bumping into each other.  That time in the park when she was out running and I felt all flustered because of how fit she was.  I remember really noticing her boobs.  And then feeling really confused as to why I was noticing them.  I had no idea then that they would become two of my favourite things on earth!  I admitted to making a note of her bra size when we bumped into each other shopping that time too, which she thought was scandalous.

 

We laughed about the time we bumped into each other on Valentine’s Day and how bloody awkward I was.  I admitted that I spent months absolutely desperate to know if she had a husband or not.  Absolutely fascinated by her.  She thought that was adorable.

 

Then she admitted that she spent a long time longing to be my friend.  That she admired me.  But never thought I’d want to be friends with someone like her.  That Becky was the popular, sociable one.  She was the kind of person that she thought I would have graduated towards, not her.  So when I was nice to her, wanted to spend time with her, she felt overwhelmed.  So surprised.  That made me emotional.  Thinking of my Lisa, never quite feeling good enough.  When she is better than anyone.

 

It was lovely, talking about those very early days.  I really enjoyed it.  We laughed.  We flirted.  It was wonderful.  Then we walked back, hand in hand from the tube station and back up to the hotel room.

 

We had sex under the rainfall shower and then fell into bed.  We didn’t go to sleep until the early hours.  We just couldn’t get enough of each other.  I got to pay a lot of attention to her boobs, after all the discussion during the evening of my fascination with them long before we properly knew each other.  We used the toy we bought in Brighton.  We really don’t use that one enough.  It’s bloody amazing!  And it creates such intimacy because we can hold our bodies so close together, kiss, look each other in the eye while we both come at the same time.  Yep.  We should definitely use it more.

 

So, today, we definitely have to drag ourselves out and at least do a bit of sightseeing!  We can’t go home and say yeah, we went for a couple of meals and saw Wicked but we didn’t actually see anything else in London because we were too busy fucking all weekend!  We’re hoping to go on the London Eye and round a few attractions and things.  Have a nice dinner somewhere before the show in the evening.  And we are both so excited for the show!  We’ll have to pace ourselves though because of course we’ve come to London during a bloody heatwave!

 

Lisa

 

12^th July 2025

10:00

 

We’re having such a lovely time here.  Carla booked a lovely restaurant last night for dinner and cocktails.  And it was the cutest thing.  She’d found this gorgeous vegetarian restaurant called Mildred’s.  The food was amazing!  She even bought me their cookbook so I can try some of the food out at home.  It was the cutest thing, as she booked it because of the restaurant I booked, that I was so nervous about, when we went to Brighton.  And she was so nervous about it too, in case I thought it was daft.  I didn’t think it was at all.  I thought it was adorable – and I told her so.

 

We had such a lovely evening.  It was so full of laughter and chat and flirting.  We talked loads about the beginning of last year, when we knew each other but didn’t really know each other.  I remember we bumped into each other a few times.  And I remember being startled every time by just how much I fancied her.  And I told her that last night.  She seemed pretty pleased to know that she’s the only woman I’ve wanted in all this time.  And I guess it is a special thing really.  Well, she is special.

 

We chatted about all kinds of moments.  Like when we saw each other in the park.  I was running.  She was walking.  Apparently she couldn’t stop looking at and thinking about my boobs, which spun her out a bit.  I didn’t even notice her looking!  She was fascinated by my boobs again later when we saw each other shopping and I was buying bras.  I remember trying to hide them from her but obviously, I wasn’t quick enough because she got a look at my size.  Who knew that nearly a year later she would get so well acquainted with them!?

 

We had a good laugh about the time she wished me Happy Valentine’s Day and then got really embarrassed.  I confessed that I had longed to be her friend but couldn’t have imagined that someone so cool and sophisticated would ever want to be mates with me.  She’s naturally popular.  Becky was naturally popular.  I imagined that they would have got along.  Not me and Carla.  I could never have imagined that she would look twice at me, not in a romantic sense.  That wasn’t even in my mind then.  But just in a friendship way.  I couldn’t imagine that she would want to be friends with someone like me.  But she did and it made me so happy.

 

She was quite emotional when I told her that.  And full of compliments and praise, of course.  She told me she’d been absolutely fascinated by me.  She’d been desperate to know whether I had a husband or not!  That made me laugh.

 

It was lovely, sharing that stuff.  Sharing our thoughts and feelings from before we got together, from before we were even friends.

 

We went back to the hotel and had the most amazing sex.  First in the shower – it’s one of those rainfall ones – and then in the gigantic bed.  Carla had packed the sex toy we bought in Brighton.  I don’t know why we don’t use it more because it’s so good!  Having it inside us both, pressing ourselves so close together, wrapped around each other, kissing, touching, both hurtling towards climax at the same time.  It’s… something else!

 

We’re both feeling pretty tired this morning.  We’ve not had as many hours sleep as we should have done really.  But we have to do some sightseeing today.  We can’t come all the way to London and just stay in the hotel all weekend having sex.  You know, apart from dinner and obviously we’re going to the theatre tonight.  Can we…?

 

Lisa

 

12^th July 2025

16:36

 

We haven’t let the room.  We’ve just ordered room service so we can have an early dinner before the theatre.  We haven’t seen any London sights except in passing.  I mean, whatever.  We’ve both been to London before.  Maybe we’ll manage something tomorrow!

 

I don’t regret a thing!

 

Today has been fucking amazing!

 

We seriously need to have more dirty weekends away.  Where the plan is literally just to stay in our hotel and have sex.  Because this… this has been so, so good.  I’m not really looking forward to Betsy and Ryan asking us about everything we did all weekend but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

 

Like I said,  I don’t regret a thing.

 

I can truly only apologise to the staff who have to wash the sheets.  There’s already a heatwave and we’ve been… vigorous.  Like, we should probably ask to change the sheets today.  If only it wouldn’t be so incredibly embarrassing.

 

We just got so hot.  Despite the air con.  And despite that, we couldn’t seem to stop.  I wanted her so much.  Needed her.

 

We tried lots of new positions.  Ones we’ll try again, I think!

 

I love everything about her.  The way she looks.  The way she sounds.  The way she tastes.  The way she feels.  Everything.

 

Carla

 

12^th July 2025

4:36pm

 

We saw no sights.  Well, technically, that’s not true, I suppose.  I saw some absolutely glorious sights!  I must have lost myself between Lisa thighs for at least an hour.  And that was just one round.  One relentless round of making her come over and over again.  It was delicious.  She is delicious.

 

We got all to all manner of mischief – started by Lisa, I might add.  I was all set to book tickets to the London Eye!  Then she closed her diary and took her clothes off!  I mean, what was I meant to do?  I was rendered completely helpless!  She straddled my hips and put my hand between her legs and she was so wet.  She told me she’d been thinking about how much she wanted me and that had happened.  Well, I could hardly just ignore her, could I?  I had to… satisfy her.  And then she wanted to satisfy me.  And then it continued and continued and well, now it’s half four, we have to eat something (food, I mean) and then get ready to go to the theatre!

 

Carla

 

13^th July 2025

7:32pm

 

Wicked last night was absolutely amazing.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a musical or any kind of theatre production as good as that.  We sat cuddled up (not holding hands because quite frankly, it was too damn hot) but snuggled.  We laughed.  We cried.  We mimed without singing because the audience singing along to a musical is really bloody annoying.  Everyone paid to hear the actor sing, not the person sitting next to them!  The whole show was beautiful.  We were so overwhelmed by it.  I’m so glad we got to see it.

 

Today, we dragged ourselves out of bed and did some proper sightseeing.  We went on one of those buses, which was fun.  We stopped to going on the London Eye, Buckingham Palace, those sort of places.  We’ve taken photos, including a lot of silly selfies.

 

We went to an amazing pie and mash restaurant for tea.  It was really nice, properly hearty food.  We got back to the room about half an hour ago.  We’re both updating our diaries and then I wonder how we’ll spend the evening…

 

Lisa

 

13^th July 2025

19:33

 

Wicked was absolutely amazing!  I am so thrilled we got to see it and so grateful that Carla bought us tickets. It was wonderful.  I loved every second of it.  It was funny.  It was sentimental.  It was so perfect.

 

Today, we did some actual sightseeing.  We round on the sightseeing tour bus and just that in itself was fun.  We went on the London Eye and to Buckingham Palace.  We had an absolutely delicious pie and mash.  Yeah, it’s been a lovely day.  And I’m hoping for a lovely evening!

 

Carla

 

14^th July 2025

2:45pm

 

We’re on the train home.  It has been such a lovely (and rather horny) weekend.  I am already looking at booking another weekend somewhere.  No sightseeing.  Nothing fancy.  Literally, just a hotel room with a nice big bed, a nice shower, room service… where Lisa and I can… well, shag for three days.  No interruptions.  Yep.  That’s what I want.  I posed the idea to her and she seemed very keen!

 

I’m still horny as hell, which isn’t being helped by the way she keeps cuddling into me, stroking my thigh. When I get home, I think I’m just going to throw out all my underwear from the trip, including the ones I’m wearing.  She’s ruined all of it!  Honestly, I was expecting sex.  I brought the sex toys.  But I was expecting us to turn into horny devils the moment we closed the hotel room door.  I don’t know what happened to us!  We’re not normally that bad!  It might have been the excitement of being away that spurred us on.

 

I feel quite sad to be going home.  I know we’ll be going back to stress.  Lisa dealing with her demons.  Her stress.  Her anxiety.  It was like she took a little holiday from it all.  It was nice seeing her so relaxed and happy.  It feels like it’s been a long time.

 

Lisa

 

14^th July 2025

14:45

 

Wicked was absolutely amazing!  I am so thrilled we got to see it and so grateful that Carla bought us tickets. It was wonderful.  I loved every second of it.  It was funny.  It was sentimental.  It was so perfect

 

The whole weekend has been perfect.  I feel like it’s lit a fire under my libido.  Not that it was waning anyway, to be fair.  But being away from home has made me forget all the stress for a minute.  I’m sure it’ll be back when we get home.  But just for one beautiful weekend, I wasn’t thinking about work or Becky or therapy or anything shit.  It was just me and Carla being happy (and horny) together.  And it was so good!  I honestly didn’t think the human body was capable of that many orgasms!  And yet, here we are.

 

I really don’t want to go home.

 

Next time... Carla and Lisa win number six, Lisa freezes during a robbery and Carla surprises Lisa and Betsy...

Chapter 53

Lisa

 

18^th July 2025

09:15

 

I’m meant to be at a festival with Betsy.  I bought the tickets last year.  Well, actually, Carla bought us the tickets.  We weren’t even together then.  Just crushing on each other but both convinced the other’s feelings were completely platonic.  Until that morning when I’d stayed over at the flat, drunk and she came back and kissed me and everything… everything changed.

 

But before that, she spent all day in the queue online and bought us tickets.  She was so sweet.  So kind.  She knew how badly I wanted to get them.  To show Betsy how much I loved her.  How much I cared.  And then she refused to let me give her the money for the tickets.  She told me it was a gift.  I was so overwhelmed.  That she would do something so incredibly kind.  With her time.  Her cash.

 

Unfortunately, the festival got cancelled.  Betsy’s gutted.  I’m kind of relieved, which I know sounds terrible.  I’m just… not in the mood for it.  Camping.  Public loos.  Music I’ve barely heart of.  I know.  I’m the worst Mum in the world.  I would have gone.  Obviously.  But… I guess I’m just feeling kind of fragile.

 

Carla and I had such a lovely weekend together last weekend.  I completely lost myself in her.  It was wonderful.  The show was amazing.  I’d love to see it again, either in London or when it’s next on tour.  We definitely have to watch the film again.  And of course, Part Two will be out at the end of the year, which will be really exciting.

 

But since we got home, it’s been back to reality.  More desk duty.  More therapy.  More thinking about Becky.  Who was she?  Did I really know her?  Was she corrupt?  What actually happened when she died?  Who’s lying to me?  I’m so fucking confused.

 

Last night, we got the call from the estate agent to say that we’ve lost out on the house, which was really gutting.  Debbie Webster has put in £30K over the asking price.  £30K!!!  We’ve got no chance now.  We’re both so disappointed.  Especially Carla.  She was getting so excited about it all.  Making plans.  I loved seeing her getting carried away with herself.  Glued to the IKEA and The Range websites like they were a fascinating Netflix series.  It was lovely.  And now I feel so sad for her.  For us.

 

This morning hasn’t been a great morning.  Carla came for a run with me, which was sweet of her.  She doesn’t really do running.  Or exercise of any kind.  To be honest, I think she was keeping an eye on me.  My mood has been kind of low the last few days.  Therapy this week was kind of rough.  She took me out for dinner afterwards as a reward for getting through it.  And she’s been looking after me since.  And now she’s been out running with me.

 

We bumped into Alya outside number six, which was kind of awkward.  And while we were talking, some lad ran out of Dev’s with a load of cash, having robbed the place.  Aadi was terrified.  People were shouting at me to do something.  The bloke had a weapon.  And I… just… froze.  Never in my life have I frozen.  I’ve always run towards danger.  Never been scared of it.  That’s been half my issue.  Half the reason Betsy’s fallen out with me so many times.  Because she thinks I don’t have enough regard for her.  But it’s not that.  It’s my training.  My police instinct.  To serve and protect.

 

And I lost that today.

 

The thief ran past us and I just stood there.  Alya shouting at me to do something and me just… frozen in place.

 

Carla was worried.  She knew it wasn’t like me not to act.  She kept asking me if I was okay.  When I ‘came to’, I hurried back to the flat, her chasing after me.  I wouldn’t speak to her.  I had no idea what I was meant to say.  I was mortified.

 

She left me to it.  Went off to have a shower and get ready for work.  I’m not going in today.  To be honest, I’m not really feeling like going in much at the moment.  I don’t really see the point.  I’m hardly serving any purpose, just pushing virtual papers around.  I may as well not bother.  Or at least do it at home.  At this point, I think would have preferred as suspension.  At least I could have had a bit of time off.

 

When Carla finished getting ready, she nudged me a bit.  Asked me about what had happened outside.  I tried to dismiss it.  I wasn’t on duty.  He’d gone before I really knew what was going on.  Asked her not to psychoanalyse me, that I relied on her for hugs and red wine.  She did hug me then.  I know she wasn’t completely convinced but I assured her I was fine and sent her off to work.

 

And I’ve been sat here kind of spiralling ever since.

 

Carla

 

18^th July 2025

12:04pm

 

I’m worried about Lisa.  I feel like I write that every day.  But we were out for a run this morning.  I’ll pause while anyone reading this recovers from the shock at the thought of me, Carla Connor, out for a run.  I know. 

 

I went because I’ve kind of been trying to keep an eye on her the past week.  I feel sad because we had such a lovely weekend last week.  We laughed.  We made love repeatedly.  We talked.  Everything was just so brilliant.  But it was out of context.  Out of our normal life.  As soon as we got back here, it was back to stress and low mood and I just hate that for her.  She’s already been through so much in her life and right now is a time when she should be happy.  I’m not saying I’m the answer to her prayers.  I’m not that bloody arrogant.  What I mean really is that she was alone and struggling for years and now we’re together.  We’re happy.  Even with everything she’s going through, we are happy.  Together.  Within our relationship.  We’re buying a place together (not number six, thanks to bloody Debbie putting in £30K over the asking price!)  We’re building a life together.  We’re a family.

 

But this morning, while we were chatting to Alya about the house, some scally robbed Dev’s.  Aadi came out chasing after him, looking really shaken and Lisa, who usually hurtles into these situations without even thinking about them, just stood there.  Let the bloke run off.  Alya was shouting at her do something and it was like she… wasn’t there.  I was so worried about her.  I knew there was something very wrong.  It just wasn’t like her.

 

She’s given me the brush off, which is a sure sign that there is definitely a problem.  She hurried back home.  Sat at the table, still vacant.  I got on with getting ready.  Asked her gently what had happened.  She dismissed the whole thing.  She wasn’t on duty.  He’d gone before she registered what had happened.  Told me not to psychoanalyse her.  She needed hugs and wine from me.  I mean, I can provide those.  Fine.  But also, support.  Love.  Listening.  Telling her what she needs to hear, even if she doesn’t want to hear it.

 

Well, she insists she’s fine.  She sent me off to work, which is where I am now, although I’m planning to go home early to spend some time with her.  I just can’t shake the feeling that she’s not okay.  She’s off work today.  She’s becoming less and less inclined to bother going in while she’s on desk duty.  She’s either taking days off or working from home.  She was off today anyway because she and Betsy were meant to be at the festival I booked them tickets for last year, before Lisa and I even got together. 

 

Unfortunately, the festival was cancelled a couple of months ago.  I got my money back, which is fine but Betsy is very disappointed.  I think Lisa is a little relieved.  I haven’t told them but I’ve booked them afternoon tea at a really posh hotel in Manchester tomorrow to try and make up for it a little bit, give them some of the time together that they would have had.  I’m going to drive them there and pick them up so they don’t have to mess around with driving or cabs or anything.  I’ve bought them the full works, including a bottle of Prosecco to go with it and I’ll be handing over my credit card for them to do as much shopping as they like.  I’ll tell them tonight over dinner.  Hopefully they’ll be pleased.

 

I (almost literally) bumped into Debbie and Ryan on my way to work this morning.  We nearly had a row.  She was being ridiculous.  To be fair, I was accidentally a bit tactless by saying I didn’t think she was thinking straight.  And we both kind of fought over Ryan a bit. 

 

But I think he’s being a bit disloyal, to be honest.  I mean, I know he’s Debbie’s friend and employer and everything but he’s my nephew.  Apart from Lisa, he’s probably the closest friend I’ve got these days.  I tell him pretty much everything.  He’s the only person I told when Lisa proposed.  I didn’t even tell Michelle about that.  But Ryan has been with me every step of the way in my relationship with Lisa.  And I needed someone to talk to when I was stressed about hurting her.  He was so excited that we were at the stage where we were even talking about it, even if we weren’t ready to actually do it. 

 

He told me that of all my partners, Lisa is his favourite.  I was surprised, actually.  I assumed it would have been Liam.  I know he wasn’t keen on Peter.  Paul obviously fell from grace.  He said he obviously loved Liam.  He was his Uncle.  But he loves Lisa already too.  And in terms of actual partners for me, he doesn’t think anyone has been better for me than her.  He says he’s never seen me so happy before.  He’s never seen someone treat me so well before.  Love me so much and treat me with so much respect.  Honestly, it meant the world to me to hear that.  I told Lisa what he said and she was so pleased.  It was actually quite adorable.

 

But anyway, I had a bit of a set to with Debbie.  She accused me and Lisa of being a power couple, which I know she intended as an insult but actually, I kind of liked it.  I mean, I love everything about Lisa, obviously.  But one of the many things I love about her is how career driven she is, how capable.  And that it’s not in business.  I love that she’s got this amazing job where she’s all in, helping people, making the world a better place.  I really admire that about her.  And it makes me so sad that she’s (temporarily) lost that.  Lost herself.  I love the idea that people might see us as a ‘power couple’ – me at the factory, her with her DS Swain Swagger, as I like to call it.  A family with Betsy.  About to buy a house.  I mean, we’ve not even been together a year yet and I feel like we’ve been together forever.  I want to be with her forever.

 

In other news, Sally has been driving me crackers all morning so far, after the whole showdown with Mick breaking out of prison and attacking Kit and everything.  And I’m sure it was very scary and I’m sure she was very heroic.  I mean, talking that psycho down!  But humble, Sally Webster is not.  She’s been pretending to be though, which is bloody hilarious.  Every time I go out onto the factory floor, she’s been chatting about it.  And she keeps coming in here to ask me something ridiculous and it keeps ‘happening’ to come up in conversation.

 

I’m just so glad Lisa and I were away.  I’m not sure how Lisa would have coped, the way she’s feeling right now, if I’d been at work when he burst in here.  And quite frankly, I’ve been in enough dangerous situations, including at work, over the last year.  In fact, in my entire life!  I don’t need to be adding anything else into the mix.  I’m perfectly happy just as I am.

 

Carla

 

18^th July 2025

7pm

 

I’m a bit… disappointed.  And actually more worried about Lisa than I was this morning.  Yeah, I know.

 

So, I came home a bit early to spend a bit of time with her.  I was just chatting nonsense about Sally, Kit and Debbie.  Just things about the day.  Then I realised she wasn’t really responding to me.  She was sobbing.  I rushed over and held her, comforted her.  It seemed to calm her down, which was a relief.  But I felt so bad.  I mean, had she spent all day like that?  Staring into space, crying, waiting for me to get home?  She’d showered and changed from her running gear but she’d pretty much done nothing else all day and that isn’t like her at all.  Normally when I come home and she’s had a day off, she’s taken on some ridiculous house job or she’s gone and done a massive shop or something like that.  She’s got so much energy normally.  Hates sitting still.  She gets so restless.

 

She was very honest with me at least, about how she was feeling.  She was stressing about this morning.  About how she had never frozen like that before in her life.  She’s always been someone who runs towards the danger, never away from it.  I mean, I know that.  She’s always run towards it a little too eagerly.  She’s come back with a bloodied lip, a bruised face…  Then there’s that whole conversation we had once about how she doesn’t feel the fear most people do because she doesn’t really care if the worst happens.  Yeah.  I’ve never forgotten that.  I’ve never quite dared to bring it up again.  But it bothers me.  Does she still feel the same now?  I don’t know.  I’ve worried about her being reckless with her life.  I’ve worried that my heart can’t take the danger she puts herself in.

 

But now… she’s not sure she’s ever going to be ready to go back to work at all.  I’m sure she will be.  And I told her so.  DS Swain is who she is, or certainly part of who she is.  When the time is right, she’ll be so excited to get back out there and be fighting for justice again.  She just needs to do her healing first.

 

I made her Zingy Tangy Beans on toast for dinner (which I don’t think she really appreciated, to be honest and that hurt my feelings an unreasonable amount because it’s not like I even told her the story about them because I was trying to keep the evening light.  If I’d told her, she would have been kinder and she would have made the effort to finish them).

 

I kept telling her how much good she’s done in her work but she kept stressing about Becky, that they lived and worked together and she still doesn’t know if she had been lying to her all along.  I had to be a bit strict with her then.  Tell her in no uncertain terms that she has to focus on her own future and stop driving herself insane.

 

Then we got the news that Debbie has pulled out of number six so it’s ours if we want it and she… just wasn’t that bothered.  She’d already given up on dinner and was heading for a bath.  She carried on and just kind of… left me to it?  I was all set to celebrate the news.  I was excited.  And she was just… flat. 

 

I know I need to not take it personally.  I know it’s not about me or the house.  I know she’s just had a bad day and wow, do I know that mental health is bloody complicated.  It doesn’t mean she isn’t happy about us buying a place together or that she’s changed her mind.  It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me or our life together. Really, it just means that mental health, being unwell, can be so much bigger than anything else. 

 

And I have to be a good partner.  I have to show up for her.  I have to be what she needs me to be.  I have to support her and not get petty over houses or beans or whatever.  I just need to look after her, like she looked after me every bloody day when I was poorly. 

 

And she really looked after me.  Physically.  Mentally.  I wouldn’t have survived my kidney stuff if it hadn’t been for her.  She took time off work when I was in hospital and when I was at home.  She helped me with my dialysis.  She made me feel good about myself when I felt so awful.  She saved me.  More than once.  That’s what we do for each other.

 

Lisa

 

18^th July 2025

19:06

 

I’m writing in the bath.  I feel like shit and I don’t think I’ve been very nice to Carla.  She made me dinner (beans on toast but she’d obviously put a cute amount of effort into them and I wasn’t very enthusiastic) and then right before I came in here, we got the news about the house. 

 

Debbie has pulled out at the last minute so it’s ours.  And she was so elated.  And I wasn’t enthusiastic about that either.  And I don’t even know why.  Because I can picture us in there.  A happy little family.  I picture it and I feel this surge of joy.  But I can’t seem to make it show on my face or in my words.  And then I get even more frustrated with myself.  I always feel like I’m letting her down.  I am always letting her down, let’s face it. 

 

Carla is… pretty much perfect.  She’s always so fun and positive and lovely.  She never lets anything get her down.  She’s always so thoughtful.  And I’m snappy and negative and I just piss everyone off all the time.  No wonder I never retained any friends after Becky died.  It was very clear they only spent time with me because of her.  Carla has loads of friends.  And she could literally pick any partner she wanted.  She’s even got more choices now that’s she’s opened up the floor to women now too. 

 

I need to get my act together or she’s going to decide that I’m too much like hard work.  I mean, if she had some handsome bloke or some gorgeous woman throwing themselves at her compared with stroppy, useless me at home, would it even be a choice?  I don’t think she’d cheat on me.  I don’t think she’d hurt me like that.  But I wouldn’t blame her for finishing with me, put it that way.

 

I basically spent the day doing nothing.  She came home from work early to spend time with me and almost the moment she came back, I started crying.  I ended up pouring my heart out to her over this morning, my job, Becky.  I think she must be sick of hearing about my paranoia over whether Becky was corrupt or not because she was kind of strict with me over it earlier.  Practically told me to get a grip.  But in a nice way.  Because she’s always nice.  I got lots of hugs, which I always find comforting.  They always calm me down in a way I’ve never experienced before.  Once her arms are around me, I feel safe.  Like I can breathe again.  She told me I was a good Detective.  That I’ve done a lot of good.  That meant a lot.  But then, she would say that, wouldn’t she?

 

Hang on, she’s knocking.

 

Carla

 

19^th July 2025

12:17pm

 

I’ve just got back from dropping the girls off in town at their Afternoon Tea and shopping trip and I’ll pick them up later when they call.  I told them about it last night, when Betsy got home and Betsy surprised me with her genuine gratitude and a massive hug.  Lisa hugged me too and thanked me.  Told me how thoughtful I was and that she loved me.

 

After I finished writing my diary last night and clearing the dinner plates away, I took a mug of tea into the bathroom for her, to check on her.  I ended up staying and chatting and washing her hair for her.  It was kind of like the days when she used to do that for me, when I was ill.

 

She apologised for not being more enthusiastic about the house.  She said she was excited.  She just felt a bit numb.  I said I understood.  And I do.  I’m not judging her for it.  She thanked me for dinner.  I pointed out that she didn’t actually eat much of it and it was fine if she didn’t like my beans.  She said she did.  She just wasn’t hungry and could I make them for her again when she had more of an appetite?  I said I would.  She asked if it was a childhood meal and I nearly cried.  She knew.  Even in the depths of how she was feeling, she still knew.  I busied myself with her hair and I said it was.  That I used to try and cheer up beans on toast for me and Rob when I knew it was the only meal we were going to get three days in a row.  And I’ve always done beans on toast that way since.

 

She told me she thought I was incredible for everything I’ve managed in my life, that I’ve ended up the woman I am.  It made me glow.  That kind of praise from someone I love and admire so much.  I kissed her.  Her lips were all wet from the bathwater.  She told me she loved me and apologised for being such hard work recently. I scolded her and told her she wasn’t hard work.  That we look after each other.  That’s what we’ve always done, even before we were together.  It’s what we’ll always do.  She said she wouldn’t blame me if I wanted to be with someone… easier.  I told her I never wanted to be with anyone other than her.  And I certainly didn’t want to be with someone easy.  How boring!  I just want to be with someone who makes me happy and nobody has ever made me happier than she does.

 

I got her out of the bath and into her pyjamas, ready for a cosy evening in front of the TV.  That’s when Betsy came home and I told them the day I’d planned for them to make up for the festival being cancelled.  I mean, I know it doesn’t make up for an entire festival but I hope they’ll enjoy themselves and enjoy having fun together, just the two of them.  Back when we all kind of fell out, when Betsy was faking her injury, we all had a proper talk about spending time together in twos and threes and we have been trying to keep it up.  Betsy and I have a ‘working lunch’ every week.  Betsy and Lisa have their own lunch together at least once a week.  One evening a week, the three of us go to the cinema or have a board game evening.  We quite often invite Ryan too, which is nice.  I miss him.

 

Lisa

 

19^th July 2025

20:20

 

I’ve had a really lovely day, thanks to Carla.  Because the festival was cancelled and she knew how disappointed Betsy was, she secretly organised (and paid for) Betsy and I to go for a REALLY posh afternoon tea at a REALLY posh hotel in town.  We had the full works and we were so full by the end.  She even bought us a bottle of Prosecco as part of it.  And handed over her credit card so we could go shopping.  I used my own card to buy her some presents from us both to say thank you.

 

She drove us there and back and we had such a lovely day together.  It was so nice to get the chance to relax and spend time with Betsy.  There was no stress, no arguments, nothing negative at all.  We just had a laugh and a proper gossip.  I interrogated her about boys (she swears there’s nothing going on with Dylan and she’s not interested in anyone else – she’s not ready to move on from Mason yet – I get that).  She interrogated me about Carla.  How do I feel about us buying a place together?  When did I know I was in love with her?  Do I think we’ll get married one day?  When was our first kiss?  When was the first time I realised I had feelings for her?  She suddenly wanted to know everything!

 

But it was fun.  Chatting.  Gossiping.  Sharing.  I enjoyed being able to be more open with her.  Knowing that she is fully supportive of me and Carla.  That she wants us to be happy.  The three of us.

 

Lisa

 

21^st July 2025

10:21

 

I’m still in my pyjamas.  To be fair, they’re the nice new ones with the matching dressing gown that Carla got me last week.  She kind of owed me because she ripped the top of my favourite pyjamas when we were… you know… the other week!  She was going to stitch it back up but it was beyond repair so she surprised me yesterday with this gorgeous new set.  I love them.  They feel very elegant.  She really does spoil me sometimes.  I’m very lucky.

 

She gave me yet another talking to this morning when she found me researching coppers who have resigned/left the force after losing their bottle.  She’s got a lot of faith in Floyd.  I think I need a miracle.  I’m still not sure I’m ever going to be allowed back to work properly and if I’m stuck on desk duty for the rest of my life, what’s the point?  But I can’t be out on the streets if I freeze every time I come face to face with an actual criminal.  I really think I might be done.  And that makes me feel so fucking sad.  All I ever wanted to be was a Detective.  I have no backup plan.  I have no idea what else I could do with my life.  It’s who I am.  What do I do if I’m not me?

 

I got lots of cuddles and support and love this morning.  Sometimes I think about what would have happened if I’d still been with Becky and all this would have happened.  I mean, if I’d still been with Becky, this wouldn’t have happened.  But what I mean is, if I’d had some kind of mental health crisis, which Carla feels this is.  Depression.  Anxiety.  All things she’s been through and worse so she’s so understanding about it all.  So kind.

 

And Becky was kind.  But we’re police officers.  We’re not patient people.  We’re not… soft.  Becky was gentle under a lot of layers but she had a harder exterior than Carla.  And she was used to me always being the capable one. 

 

I spoke to Carla a bit about it last night, about how I think I’ve struggled with my mental health before.  On and off but not really recognised it as that because I’ve never had anyone to talk to about it.  That Becky and Betsy would say I was in ‘one of my moods’ and then avoid me for as long as it took for me to get over it.  She looked really sad when I said that and then I felt really bad for mentioning it, like I’d upset her.  She said she just felt upset for me, that it must have been very lonely, to be struggling and not have anyone to share it with.  I admitted that it was and that that’s probably why I found it so hard at the start of this to let her in but that I was so grateful that she persisted, that she didn’t give up on me.  That she was making it so much easier by giving me the space to talk.

 

She said she was glad to be able to help.  She understood what it was like to feel lonely.  To be battling demons.  That she’d do anything to support me.  And I know she will.  She always has.  I am so bloody lucky to have her.

 

So, I’m going to get my act together today.  I’m going to get a load of housework done.  I’m going to make an effort with dinner and make a real fuss of her when she gets home.  Betsy’s staying at her friend’s house so we’ve got the whole place to ourselves.  I’m going to show her that I’m making an effort.  Maybe get some of that London Magic into the flat!  We’ve not done anything more than have a bit of a kiss and a cuddle since we got home and I know that’s my fault.  I’ve just felt so flat since we got back.  And I know she’d never push me or even nudge me if she didn’t think I was in the right headspace.

 

She was so sweet on Friday.  She brought me a cup of tea in the bath.  I’m pretty sure she was just checking on me, to be honest.  She washed my hair.  She didn’t even hit on me.  Or look.  It was just love and looking after me.  She told me the origin story of the beans, after I guessed, after I asked her about them and asked her to make them for me again.  I thought she was going to cry when I guessed.  I just wish I’d been more careful with her when we were eating them.  She told me that nobody has ever made me happier than I do.  I just hope it’s true.  That I do make her happy.  That I am worthy of her.

 

Carla

 

21^st July 2025

1:24pm

 

We’ve had more tears over the last couple of days, including this morning.  But Lisa seems more willing to talk openly about her mental health.  That she is suffering in that way.  She even told me yesterday that she thinks she has suffered with her mental health on and off for years but never recognised it before.  She said that Becky used to say she was ‘in one of her moods’ and steer clear.  It upset me, thinking of my Lisa suffering by herself with nobody to talk to. 

 

How could Becky do that?  Know that Lisa was upset and back off?  She knew Lisa didn’t have close friends, that she relied on her.  Why wouldn’t she step up and support her?  I know when this first started, Lisa tried to push me away but I love her.  I didn’t let her.  And perhaps she wouldn’t have done that initially, if Becky had been willing to look after her.  As it turns out, all Lisa’s really needed is someone to listen.  Someone to give her cuddles and kisses.  That’s all I’ve done really.  Nothing special.  Just… love. 

 

It actually makes my heart hurt, thinking of Becky telling young Betsy, oh, your Mum’s in one of her moods, steer clear!  How fucking isolating.  What a way to make someone who’s already feeling shit, feel worse.  Between that and this corruption thing, I’m starting to think maybe Becky wasn’t the perfect woman she’s always been presented as.

 

I found Lisa researching failed cops this morning; people who have lost their bottle.  I told her off, obviously and encouraged her to have faith in the therapy.  She was quite tearful.  Apologetic.  Claims she needs a miracle.  I gave her cuddles and kisses.  Worried about going off to work and leaving her.  I always worry about her at the moment.

 

She looked very cute in her new pyjamas though.  Beautiful, actually.  I got them last week as a replacement for the ones I er… ripped.  It wasn’t my fault!  I was just… eager!  But not only did two buttons fly off but the actual button holes tore and half the stitching came away.  They were definitely done.  I still maintain that it wasn’t my fault.  She shouldn’t have such amazing boobs, should she?  She was lying on the bed, reading her book and she just looked so… gorgeous.  And I couldn’t control myself.  And it was all a bit frenzied and her top just… ripped.  But I’ve replaced them now and her new pyjamas look lush.  I even got her a matching dressing gown to make it extra special.

 

Today… I have been distracted.  I mean, now, I’m distracted thinking about getting Lisa into bed.  Which isn’t a good thing.  She’s not exactly in the headspace for it and I’d never push or try and persuade her.  She needs looking after, not bedding.  We haven’t been intimate since London.  It was so amazing when we were there but as soon as we came back, it’s like Lisa hit ‘normal life’ again and hasn’t been able to lift her spirits since then.

 

But no, I’ve been trying to think of ways to help her.  I settled on speaking to Logan Radcliffe, although I stupidly let Michael use my laptop and left my letter open on the page and he realised what my plan was and he was horrified.  Tried to persuade me that it was a bad idea.  I mean, the last time I was in a room with the bloke, he hospitalised me.  Not to mention what else he’s done.  Killing Becky.  Traumatising the whole Swain family. 

 

I know.  I get it.  But Lisa is still traumatised.  She barely sleeps.  She’s like the ghost of herself.  It’s killing me, watching her suffer like she is.  I have to do… something.  And if he’s the only one we know who has some kind of answer then I have to try, don’t I?  Try to help her.  Save her.  Even if she’s mad at me for doing it.  I’m prepared for that.  Expecting it, even.  But I’d rather she was angry with me for going to see him than keep watching her fall apart knowing I didn’t do something to help her stop spiralling.

 

Carla

 

22^nd July 2025

4:54pm

 

Yesterday ended on a lovely note.  I came home to a bubble bath having been run for me, the flat having been tidied and cleaned, a candle lit table and Lisa waiting for me all cute and eager and ready to go to the chippy to get dinner for us.  She was full of hugs and kisses and apologies for being snappy.  Then when I said that’s what I was here for, she said really firmly, no, it’s not.  And you know, I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me before.  I’m not a doormat or anything.  Far from it.  But I’ve never been with anyone who’s been so… aware before?  So ready to say, no, it’s not your job to let me take my shit out on you.  I’m grateful for your love and support but you’re not here for me to snap at when I’m having a bad day.  I’ve noticed it a lot about her since we’ve been together and it’s something I really appreciate.  Maybe it’s why I want to support her so much.  Obviously, it’s because I love her but it’s also because I know she’d never take me for granted.

 

She seemed a lot more positive last night – and this morning.  She said she wants to put all her energy (not all her energy, I hope!) into getting her career back on track.  I told her how proud I am of her.  That she’s worked so hard.  And she really has.  She is.  Every day, she’s fighting all these awful dark feelings raging inside her.  All these expectations people have.  But she’s doing it.  And honestly, I couldn’t be prouder.

 

She skipped off to the chippy.  I texted Michael to say that I had decided not to go and visit Logan.  Then I went and enjoyed my bath.  While I was in there, I got a text from Ryan to say that Debbie had fired him for ‘interfering’.  I’m so disappointed for him.  He loved that job at the hotel.  And I’m sure whatever he did, he would have been trying to help.  I sent something nice back and I arranged to have lunch with him today to try and cheer him up a bit.  He’s really down about it.

 

Lisa came back and somehow persuaded me that it would be fun to have a naked dinner!  Actually, I don’t know who persuaded who.  Well, it started that I got out of the bath and she told me I didn’t need to bother getting dressed if I didn’t want to.  She was quite happy with the view across the dinner table if I chose not to.  I told her there was no way I was sitting naked at the dinner table if she was fully dressed.  She said she was game if I was.  I double checked we weren’t going to have a teenager walk in on us in the middle of it and then we ended up having a nude chippy tea together!

 

We took the tub of ice cream she’d bought to the bedroom…

 

It was lovely actually.  Not the ice cream.  I mean, the ice cream was nice.  But I mean just… being with her.  Having fun together.  Laughing.  Being intimate.  Loving.  I got to hold her in my arms all night and it felt wonderful.  She snuggled in so close and rested her head on my chest, wrapped her arm across my middle.  I had my arm wrapped around her.  And we just fell asleep that way.  It was lovely.

 

She was up and dressed when I left this morning.  She had decided to work from home but she was looking and feeling properly motivated for the first time in ages.  We’ve been messaging through the day and she seems… well.  I’m going to take her out tonight to reward her for how well she’s done.  We’ve not been to the cinema for ages so I thought a nice cinema date would be good.

 

Lisa

 

22^nd July 2025

17:16

 

Carla’s just called me to invite me to the cinema.  A reward, apparently, for how hard I’ve worked (I’ve been working from home today and actually bothered to do it) and I dragged myself out of my own stress and misery last night to make an actual effort.  She’s honestly, so sweet.  I’m very much looking forward to a date night at the cinema.  She’s promised me nachos and popcorn.  And you know, snuggling up in the dark with her can only be a positive experience if you ask me.

 

We had a really nice evening last night.  I had a bath ready for her when she got in and I’d done a load of housework in her absence.  I’d laid the table with candles and everything, ready to run to the chippy for dinner.  She seemed really pleased with my efforts.

 

I apologised for snapping at her recently.  What worried me a little is that she said that’s what she’s here for.  It’s not.  Not at all.  And I hate to think that that’s what she thinks.  Or what I think.  Is that how other partners have been with her?  Taking stuff out on her?  I don’t want to be that person.  I only ever want to be good to her.  So, I need to change things.  My attitude.  My headspace.  I need to start looking after her better.

 

She was so lovely to me.  I told her I wanted to put all my energy into getting my career back on track.  She told me how proud she is of me.  Of how hard I’ve worked.  She was full of cuddles and kisses and love.  She always makes me feel so good about myself and I’m so grateful for that.  There’s something so incredibly special about her.  Something in her connects so deeply with me in a way that I don’t feel anyone else ever has.

 

When I came back from the chippy, we were very silly.  I don’t even know how it happened but we ended up sitting naked at the table having our tea!  It was very funny.  And also rather nice eating my chips while getting a delicious eyeful of Carla Connor.  I mean, how the hell did I ever get this lucky?  I think back to October last year, the first time I sat at that table, drinking wine with her, debating the pronunciation of tofu (she still says it wrong – sometimes I cook it just for my own amusement), and I could never have imagined what we would become.  I certainly couldn’t have imagined that in less than a year, we’d be sat there, nude, eating fish and chips, about to buy a house together.

 

We ended up in the bedroom not long after that.  With the ice cream I’d bought while I was out.  It was a really lovely night, actually.  It’s the first time we’ve been intimate since London.  And it was lovely.  We had to shower afterwards because we were a bit sticky!  But we showered together and snuggled up in our pyjamas.  I was resting on her chest.  We were just cuddling and talking and I felt so… peaceful.  We fell asleep that way.  The whole night.  It was wonderful.  The best night’s sleep I’ve had in ages.  Safe in her arms.  My favourite place in the world.

 

Lisa

 

23^rd July 2025

11:33

 

Please don’t ask me what the film was about last night.  I enjoyed my nachos.  I think I had about one handful of popcorn and then Carla took a handful of me and I genuinely don’t remember anything after that apart from being a woman in her forties behaving like an actual teenager in the back row of a cinema.  Thankfully, there was nobody anywhere near us because she definitely went UP my shirt and INSIDE my bra at one point.

 

I kept teasing her and I could feel the heat between her legs.  It was when she told me how desperate she was for me that I decided to be assertive.  I asked if she’d watched any of the film at all (we were about halfway through).  She said no.  I told her we needed to go home because I couldn’t cope anymore.  I needed my nipples in her mouth and my tongue between her thighs.  She kissed me so possessively, gave me about two seconds to check my bra was back in place correctly and then dragged me out of the screen!

 

Needless to say, we had an excellent night at home!  The whole night was so much fun.  The date.  The cinema.  Messing around.  Feeling naughty.  Going home together.  Where she did pay wonderful attention to my nipples and I did spend considerable time between her thighs, just like I wanted.

 

This morning has been less interesting so far.  I’m working from home again.  I prefer it to working in the office.  I hate being desk bound there and I’ve agreed with Costello that I can just get on with my work at home.  I don’t need to be at the station to do paperwork.  I’ll go in if I have to but while I’m doing paperwork and battling through my demons with Floyd, I’d rather just keep myself to myself.  Not that I have Kit to deal with at the moment.  He’s stuck in hospital and he’ll be off work for a bit, after Mick’s attack.  I know I should feel sorry for him, especially after what happened to Craig.  But I don’t.

 

Carla

 

23^rd July 2025

5:45pm

 

I’ve been struggling to concentrate on work all day but honestly, it’s been very difficult!  Lisa behaved terribly at the cinema last night!  Okay, I might have misbehaved a bit too.  We ate our nachos during the trailers and we were trying to save the popcorn.  But then we got distracted and apparently turned into horny teenagers and engaged in VERY heavy make out session.  We actually had to leave halfway through the film because we couldn’t cope anymore.  My hand was inside her bra.  Her nipples were so hard.  They felt amazing.  And her hands were all over me!  Up my thigh, between my legs, over my boobs.  My lips are still swollen from all her kisses. 

 

It was when she told me she needed my mouth around her nipples and her tongue between my thighs that I yanked her out of her seat and back home!  And we had a brilliant night together!  I made sure I paid her a lot of attention.  And I got a lot of attention in return.  I have no recollection of anything that happened in the film.  Maybe we’ll watch it when it comes onto streaming.  Although, I feel like all it’ll do is ignite the memory of last night and we’ll end up in the bedroom (or on the sofa) again.

 

On our way out, we bumped into Debbie and I said she could come round today and look round, take some measurements.  I assumed Lisa would be in but she’s gone to the station today.  There were some things she couldn’t do remotely.  As it happens, Ryan was in when Debbie called round this morning.  He still has a key and comes and goes as he likes, although he’s polite enough to knock first.  But he messaged this morning to ask if he could collect his post and happened to let Debbie in.

 

I went into the pub at lunch time, to check how Lauren was going (and to make sue Glenda wasn’t doing a lunch time turn!), only to find Debbie being rude to Lauren.  Poor kid.  I mean, she was giving it back.  She’s not shy.  But she is vulnerable.  And I don’t know… I guess I feel a bit protective of her now? 

 

It’s funny because so much of last year, I was so angry with her.  Unreasonably so, at times.  I was angry with her for getting hurt and causing all that harm to Roy, even though it wasn’t her fault.  Then when it turned out that she’d run away and allowed him to go to prison for months, knowing Joel was the one responsible, I was livid.  Then when she let Lisa spend the night in a cell, accused of Joel’s murder when she was the one responsible, after the way Lisa had fought so fucking hard for her, I could have swung for her myself. 

 

But we’ve been able to get past it.  I feel sorry for her.  I can see that she has nobody to advocate for her.  She’s never had anyone to advocate for her.  She needs adults like me, Lisa and Roy, to look out for her.  People who have her best interests at heart.

 

I took Debbie off to table to talk, to get her to calm down.  We chatted about the flat and she was actually pretty complimentary about it.  Then I asked about Ryan.  He is so upset about her firing him.  Not because of being unemployed.  He could find another job.  But because he wants to be there to look out for her and she’s pushed him, rather aggressively, away.

 

She was actually very open with me about her Dementia.  She said it’s not really the forgetfulness that’s getting to her at the moment.  It’s the reactions that she’s having to people – people like Ryan and even Leanne.  I could empathise.  Obviously, it’s not the same thing but I know what it’s like to not be able to trust your own thoughts and feelings.  My psychosis ripped through me.  Broke me.  Nearly killed me.

 

I reminded her of how much Ryan cares for her and that it’s important to have people who care about us in our corner when we’re up against it.  Well, things must have fallen into place for her because Ryan texted about fifteen minutes ago and told me Debbie gave him his job back and that they’re friends again.  He’s so delighted and I’m delighted for him.

 

Next time... Lisa struggles with her and Becky's anniversary, Carla visits Logan and Lisa pledges her commitment...