Chapter 1: Where it began
Chapter Text
January 21st 2007
Dear piece of paper,
I never thought I'd ever be writing in a diary but well here I am. I never needed to write down my feelings because I usually tell my parents about them. But now I feel a little lonely. My dad is really busy with a new case. He works at the FBI as Special Agent Peter Strahm. He started working yesterday on this case called Jigsaw and he hasn't been home since. Jigsaw is some serial killer by the way. I'm kinda scared of him/ her. But I'm sure my dad will solve this like he always does. He's really smart. And I got that from him. I only have straight A's. And prizes won at a lot of competitions.
My mom's smart too. Her name is Allison. People call her Allie. She teaches English at an university. She's really kind and nice and I love her a lot.
Sadly I didn't get only the qualities of my parents. I also got their problems. My dad has terrible anger issues. He gets really mad about the smallest things. However, he doesn't take his anger out on me nor on mom. I mean, he isn't abusive or anything.
He hit my mom once though. When I was 10. I don't know why. They were fighting about something and then he slapped her across the face. And then they didn't talk for 3 days. And then they came back to normal. I wish I knew what was that about.
Anyway. So yeah, I have anger issues too. And my mom's habit of talking way too much. And probably more but nothing comes to mind right now.
I also like to crochet. It's my favourite activity to do apart from listening to music and reading. And roller blading.
I was born on December 12, so I've recently turned 16. It seems like a really mature age.
My older sister, Ana Megan, died at 16. I was 7 then. She was murdered.
She had a boyfriend who my dad really didn't trust (well, he doesn't really trust anyone except me, mom his colleague Lindsey and maybe his sister, so it's not a shock).
Ana and this guy were smoking together and doing stupid things teens do. They were never letting me stay with them and that really annoyed me. So I always told my parents and they made sure I felt loved at least by them. My sister loved me too. I knew it. We talked and sometimes even played. But when she started dating this guy she just didn't care that much about me anymore. It was all about him.
So one day she told my parents at dinner that she wanted to go with her boyfriend on a weekend long trip to a different city. My dad said: "Absolutely not." and my mom said: "I don't know, Ana. Maybe your dad's right." My sister usually listened to our parents all the time. At 16, though, something happened to her and she was just really different somehow.
So she did it either way. I wish she hadn't. It turned out her boyfriend was doing crazy things connected to the dark web and porn websites. So when they got on their supposed "trip", he raped her and then tortured her with knives and killed her.
Everyone died a little on the inside when we found out. My mom was diagnosed with depression and had to take a lot of pills daily. My dad was keeping himself busy by working 24/7. He also made sure the murderer got what he deserved(a lot of time in prison; he however escaped, but Jigsaw trapped him and he died; dad was glad he got what he deserved; he still hated Jigsaw though). I was just there, in the house crying and trying not to think about my sister. It was soul crushing. My mom pulled me out of school for a while cause I was crying in all of my classes.
Now, after 9 years, things are just like they were before. It's hard without Ana, but sometimes you need to move on since that's the only thing to do.
We are happy again. And have been for the past few years. It was terrible and draining at first, but step by step we moved on.
Now, let's get to the reason why I'm writing this. I started feeling a little off today. I woke up with a bad headache and my mom gave me a pill. She said it's probably something inherited from my dad. He's always stressed and often has headaches.
After the pill I felt better. But then I asked my mom when is dad coming back and she said he is really busy. That made me a bit sad. I always hate it when he's busy with work. He usually works from 8 am til late in the afternoon and I'm used to it. But when he's busy with cases he stays more. It's quite annoying, but I never felt too sad about it. Now I do.
Dad is my best friend. So is my mom, but the bond with my dad is stronger. Probably cause we are like the same person. So yeah, I guess I am also a little scared because he is working on a very dangerous case.
I don't know what else to say now. I guess that's it.
With no intend of publication,
Vanessa Elizabeth Strahm
Chapter 2: I need a break
Summary:
Second diary entry
Chapter Text
January 25th 2007
Dear supposed diary,
It's me again. It's been 4 days since I've last written here. I don't know why, but it felt oddly comforting. So here I am again.
I just came home from school. I am really tired. 7 hours spent at school doing the most useless crap. I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle I can never break. It occurred to me that when you finish 12 exhausting years of school, there comes college (another 3-4 years at least) and then you are stuck with a stupid time consuming job until you retire. And for what? Just to die.
Oh, about death. My dad came home the day I last wrote here. I begged him to describe me some things he saw when working on the case, but he said it's really gruesome. A lot of dead people that died in crazy ways. Anyways he still told me quite some details and it was so disturbing I had to tell him to stop telling me. Is it just me or do I keep repeating words? Jesus, I thought I was some literature expert, but maybe I'm not all that.
Also, I think I might be bisexual, like my aunt Genevieve. My aunt Genevieve is my dad's older sister. She's an amazing person. I've got to admit she is kind of a player, like a slut?? She has had more partners than I could probably count and not get bored. She never settled down to anyone, but she has a 9 year old son who was an accidental pregnancy. His name is Zeeke. He's my only cousin that I know of. He's terribly funny.
My mom didn't have a father. He left when she was 2 years old. He married and divorced lots of women, so my mom isn't sure if she has any half siblings, but she might have tons.
God, I hate when I deviate from subjects. I started saying how I am questioning my sexuality. I've always thought I was straight. Never questioned it. However, I have a classmate, Lena Gardner, that I think looks really attractive. Not in a "Wow she's so pretty, I wanna be her" way but in a "Damn, she's so hot, I need her." I've seen a lot of women that got me thinking like this but it never raised me any question marks. Maybe it should have. So I'm thinking I have a crush on her, Lena. I'll try and figure it out.
I haven't told anyone yet. My mom is still at work, and so is dad. Dad's been quite overworking himself on this case. I wish he'd be more at home. It's boring being alone. And it's also turning me lonely.
Crap, my head just started hurting. I'll drink some water and then I'll take a nap. Maybe it's from my tiredness. Whatever.
Bye,
Vanessa Lizzie Strahm
Notes:
"Or maybe it's for the worst."
Chapter 3: Closer
Chapter Text
January 31st 2007
Hey there,
I labeled myself as a lesbian. It occurred to me that I've never had a crush on any guy before. Any boy I ever liked was simply platonic.
But with girls it's different. Whenever I see the girl I told you about, Lena, I feel these crazy "butterflies" in my stomach. And this happens every time I see a hot girl. So yeah, a lesbian.
I needed to get that off my chest. I also told mom about it when she picked me up from school.
"How was school?" she asked when I got in the front seat of the car.
"Eh, typical. Annoying classmates. God, I sometimes wish I was stupid just so I'd have more friends." I sighed.
"Well, life's never fair, is it? You don't get everything. But you should be thankful for the things you do get."
We then drove for like 5 minutes in silence.
"Have you always only liked men?" I broke the silence.
Mom was a little surprised. She probably thought by men I meant only liking older men, but I meant men as in not women.
I should probably mention my parents' age gap is 10 years. My mom was 17 when she met my father. He was 27. And my mom's mom kicked her out when she found out she was seeing a literal man and got pregnant with his child.
It's a really complicated story, but to shorten it I'll just say my mom managed to get a degree and become a university teacher even tho she became a mom at 17/18.
Aunt Genevieve really helped my parents with Ana until my mom got a job and a steady life. My parents got married after my mom turned 21, since my dad didn't want to raise any suspicions to anyone at his work. Working for the FBI required a lot and being labelled as a possible pedophile wasn't a thing a special agent would want. Anyway.
Things turned out fine for them. They deserve all the happiness.
"What do you mean only men? As in only liking older ones?"
"No. Like only boys, not girls."
"Oh. Yeah. Why?"
"Well. I think I'm a lesbian." I hesitated a little.
"Really? How do you know?"
And then I told her all about Lena. She then told me she's happy I found myself. And that I can ask Lena to come over and hang out.
Now, the question is this: was Lena a lesbian too? Yes. One of her friends told me that a while ago, back when I was "straight". So my plan is to ask her to come over.
Now I'm at home and I just put on my pijamas. I sat on the bed for a little but then I started feeling dizzy for whatever reason so I started writing.
I don't know why but lately I feel off. At least once a day I get really tired and feel horrible. It doesn't go away for at least half an hour. Maybe I'm going insane. Just kidding.
Love,
Liz
Notes:
"It didn't do much help actually."
Chapter 4: Why
Chapter Text
February 2nd 2007
Heyya,
Do the stars shine just to make people envious of their power? Or are they shining that much BECAUSE they have no intention of creating negative feelings to anyone? I like the second option more.
It's 3 am now. I woke up 2 hours ago from my sleep because I threw up. My mom heard me cry after and she came into my room.
"Liz, are you okay? What-" she stopped when she saw all that splattered vomit. Then she went to hug me. "Oh honey."
I've always hated throwing up. The feeling of things going the wrong way, the loss of breath you experience when the food you enjoyed blocks your air circulation while trying to get out of your system.
"What's happening to me?" I asked mom sobbing.
"I don't know sweetheart. Maybe we should check a doctor." She caressed my face.
"What's going on?" Dad walked in the room. He had just gotten home from work, still wearing his leather jacket. He got closer to us and joined us with his warm embrace. He put his arms around me and placed my exploding head on his chest.
"She's having weird pains. It worries me." Mom said.
Dad just stared into nothingness for a little while. Silence took over.
"Try and go to sleep pumpkin, alright? We'll figure it out tomorrow." He said after a while.
"Will you be home tomorrow?" I whispered.
He hesitated. "Get some rest."
I obviously couldn't get any. After they went to sleep I opened my window and climbed on the window sill and sat there watching the stars.
Something wasn't right. My body wasn't functioning well and it sucked not to know why. It wasn't only physical. My whole being was slowly losing an essential part that was keeping me sane.
It is said teens start feeling weird because of hormones and other shitty things. We apparently "feel more".
I definitely do. I feel like my father is way too absent these days. And you may think I'm being overdramatic, but knowing he's so busy doing dangerous stuff and not being home almost at all just makes me feel lonely. He used to always call me daily when he was busy with some case and couldn't get home for a day or some. But now he doesn't. He has no idea what happened in my life these past days. He hasn't overworked himself like this before. Only when my sister died. And I'm afraid that is trying to signal me something and I don't know what.
The stars are a great distraction.
As alive as ever,
Vanessa