Melting Ice

by Mingyou17

Summary:

Sunghoon's life was a little bit like this: he was good at skating; he was bad at making friends; he didn't want to talk about his relationship with his mother; he hated too much attention; and he didn't really know what love was.

Some of that was bound to change eventually.

Chapter 1

Sunghoon wasn't entirely sure how he'd found himself here. Here being the locker room of the nearest ice rink as he clumsily tried to lace up his ice hockey boots. He didn't know how to approach it any better but he certainly wasn't going to ask any of these bigger, tougher, older boys to help him out. Perhaps he ought to, considering the reason why he was here. Instead, he went with the technique he'd tried on his first day around a year ago which was almost definitely not correct but served him as best as it could. He didn't exactly want to be there, so the few seconds it took to re-lace his boots every now and again during practice gave him a welcome moment of rest whenever it occured.

In another world, Sunghoon would have told his mother how much he disliked ice hockey. He would have told her how he didn't like any of the boys on his team; how the coaches spoke to him harshly even when he was improving; how the way the boys talked among themselves made his skin crawl and made him want to hide away in the corner, which he did each practice session. However, despite being only twelve years old, Sunghoon knew that his mother had made up her mind and he was powerless in the face of it. Again, he was only twelve years old yet it seemed he'd reached the point in his life where the mothers of children in his class had gone into turbo mode. The endless streams of homework and the standard English, Maths and Korean academies were no longer enough. Any child with any sign of intellect was shipped off to more intensive after school academies to study more subjects than the school could ever supply. Meanwhile, any child with any promise in any other given field was sent to hone those skills, knowing that it was only worth being in the top one percent for literally anything.

Sunghoon, like the rest of the ninety-nine percent of people, wasn't anything special as far as the general metrics of success were measured. Sunghoon had seen the glint in his mother's eye whenever he mentioned where his classmates were going, or when his mother was forced into socially mandated small talk with other parents; he knew that he wasn't living up to the expectations society and his parents had decided for him. He knew from the comments made by aunties in supermarkets that he was a decent looking boy but looks were transient and unreliable. He wasn't getting the worst scores in his class but the prospect of becoming a doctor or a lawyer was entirely impossible for him already. And then there was his social skills. Every parent-teacher conference had focused on this one issue. He struggled to make friends, he didn't raise his hand in class, he didn't seem to have any soft skills that would allow him to succeed within life. He brushed those comments off as even as a child, he knew that the only way to fix this was to actively socialise with other kids and the concept of that made his socially anxious brain seize up and paralyse him. In the end, he was more than aware that he wasn't good looking enough, wasn't smart enough, wasn't likable enough. He was too young for surgery, though he knew from his mother's search history that she'd already checked to see if it was a possibility. He was already studying for as many hours as he was awake, whether he wanted to or not and yet had seen only a small rise within his grades. The only part of him that could be ‘fixed’ were his social skills.

That was in short how Sunghoon ended up spending way too many of his evenings at the local ice rink rather than in his bed. Fortunately, Sunghoon had turned out to be not an all bad skater. In fact, the coaches saw promise within him when it came to how he moved around the rink; he was fast and efficient and could quite easily outrun the other team when he realised when he should be doing it. The issues arose when it came to the other players. He had no attack when it came to the opposing team and had no comradery with his teammates. His mother lectured him about it after every match she went to, baffled at how introverted and awkward he was towards his teammates that he saw multiple times every week. His father said nothing, merely humming in agreement before casting his attention towards his younger sister, whose maths grades were already being touted as above average, impressive, worthy of love. Sunghoon noticed but knew better than to say anything, other than brief congratulatory comments to his sister who he knew didn't deserve to be the object of his envy.

Sunghoon wasn't exactly skilled when it came to writing either, but if he was to summarise his experience on the hockey team over the previous six months or so, he would do so in one word: unhappy. It wasn't lost on him the way that his introversion was interpreted by his team and coaches alike. They thought he was cold and hard and unwilling based on his first impressions. And unsurprisingly, a group of young boys weren’t keen on showing their weaknesses so their wariness of Sunghoon quickly transformed into an aversion. Sunghoon was the weirdo on the team who didn't talk and certainly didn't talk back, allegedly only not kicked off because of his mother's strong will and plentiful payments. It wasn't uncommon for insults labelled as constructive criticism to be thrown his way. He skated like a girl, he couldn't speak, he couldn't get a girlfriend. Even at such a young age, everything seemed so clear to the other boys about who they had to be when inhabiting the same space as the group of girls on the figure skating team who regularly kicked them off the ice, often in the bright ruffles of their competition outfits. While the boys’ attention went to the girls, about who was prettiest, who would kiss them behind the stands, who was going to be famous, Sunghoon found that he had no interest in any of them and his unwillingness to take part in these talks further marked him as an outcast.

Then one day, a new player joined Sunghoon’s team.

‘You know there's an easier way to tie your laces right?’ A boy suddenly asked him.

Sunghoon turned towards the sound of the voice, noting how strange the boy's accent sounded. In fact, he sounded like he barely knew Korean at all. He was met by a boy who was certainly shorter than him, with bright wide eyes and a big smile. Sunghoon couldn't remember the last time that someone other than his sister had smiled at him so freely and so cheerfully. Even on first impression, Sunghoon couldn't help but imagine a big wagging tail behind the other boy.

Despite how friendly the other boy seemed, Sunghoon couldn't help but freeze up. He'd been making a mistake this entire time and managed to get by unnoticed, what would his teammates or his coaches say if they overheard? What must this new player think about him if he couldn't complete even a basic skill like this? Sunghoon didn't hold out much hope at the idea of a friendship with this new boy, knowing how it would be nearly impossible to not be swayed by the public opinion of him. Maybe the new kid would be kind to him for now, but as soon as the team started taking an interest in him, Sunghoon would be alone again, naturally.

‘You can just do it like this. Not too hard, right? My name is Jake, I’ve just moved into the area from Australia. Brisbane, you know? I'm sorry if my accent is a little bit hard to understand.’ The new kid, Jake, explained, re-tying one of Sunghoon's laces and waiting for Sunghoon to copy him and do the other. Immediately, he could tell that his skates were on more securely. He stood up to test it and smiled a little at the feeling of comfort before realising that he could have felt like this all along if he wasn't just so scared of talking to others. His mother's words echoed in his head and suddenly he wasn't able to smile anymore.

‘Oh. Right.’ Sunghoon murmured when he noticed Jake's eyes on him awaiting a response, though Sunghoon was entirely unsure about what he was supposed to say. Jake seemed conscious of his accent, surely it was rude to confirm that it was a little hard to understand, or was it worse to not acknowledge it?

‘What's your name? I'm trying to memorize everyone's so I don't accidentally pass the puck to the wrong team.’ Jake continued, frowning a little before switching back into a broad grin which seemed to be his resting expression.

‘I'm Sunghoon. Thanks for your help… with the laces.’ Sunghoon said stiffly, not sure of when he'd last introduced himself. He didn't greet new students in school and generally the coaches would point Sunghoon in the right direction if he was instructed to pass to someone whose name was unfamiliar. He didn’t know if he was supposed to say more, or maybe even less or whether it would just be better to not say anything at all in case he was making a million mistakes without barely doing anything at all.

‘It's no problem. I hope you'll help me out too in the future. I'm sure I'll need it.’ The boy smiled before hobbling over to the coaches to further introduce himself. Sunghoon grimaced as Jake failed to bow initially, only remembering when the coaches’ expressions morphed into scowls at the failure to show respect.

Though Sunghoon would rarely describe his performance during practice as being on form, he certainly wasn't that day. All of his attention unwillingly went to Jake, who seemed fully at home on the ice. He skated a little clumsily, all rough and without any of the fluidity that Sunghoon felt that the ice deserved and demanded. But he was fast and quick-witted, immediately noticing gaps and plays that Sunghoon would never have thought about, making Sunghoon sure that Jake's test scores, provided that he understood the questions, would fly higher than Sunghoon could ever hope to. His only issue was that the coaches would bark moves and directions at him and it would take Jake much too long to process it, with the moment slipping by before his brain had time to translate it. Sunghoon had neglected his English homework and classes much too often to be of any actual help to Jake, but he found that he wanted to help Jake in a way that he hadn't felt towards another kid before in his life.

‘Hey Jake, you're not bad.’ One of the other boys, Juwon, announced as the boys piled into the changing room after practice. Sweaty and never quite having got comfortable getting dressed and undressed around his team, Sunghoon hid himself away in the corner, though listening intently to the conversation.

‘Thanks, I guess.’ Jake shrugged, as if he didn't really care. Sunghoon was a little surprised, though he had no right to be considering that he barely knew Jake at all, but he'd expected Jake to perk up whenever he received praise from others. He wasn't sure why, but it made sense to Sunghoon.

‘You don't have to hang out with the Ice Price, you know? None of us do.’ Another boy, Minhwan, scoffed, noticing how Jake lingered near to Sunghoon's corner once he'd finished changing into his own clothes.

Ah, Ice Prince. Sunghoon remembered the moment exactly when that nickname was first given to him. Perhaps it was meant to be harmless but it was one of the coaches that started it. It had been a mistake on Sunghoon's behalf where he'd lost his balance after racing after the puck, causing him to spin on the ice before promptly landing on his rear, his bones rattling as the wind was knocked out of him. The boys immediately laughed at him, as somehow even in the act of falling Sunghoon had failed to live up to the boyish standards they'd all created amongst themselves. The coach had shouted for the Ice Prince to get up off the ice and so Sunghoon's nickname was born, readily thrown around amongst his team any chance they got, always coupled with some mocking comment or insult. And now Jake would know it too, and perhaps Sunghoon had gotten too attached way too quickly based on such a simple show of kindness but he winced at the thought of such words coming out of Jake's mouth too.

‘I'm fine with Sunghoon.’ Jake said simply, though Sunghoon couldn't be certain if he was imagining the emphasis he heard on his name, as if Jake was implying that he wouldn't use the nickname that Sunghoon wasn't sure if he would ever escape from.

At that, the atmosphere in the changing room cooled as once and for all Jake was seemingly cast off to the side in the minds of the rest of the team. Here was another person who failed to fit in and merge with the communal thinking of the rest of the group, here was another target, here was someone who didn't belong.

Despite being clearly ready to go, Jake lingered as the rest of the players filtered out, while Sunghoon slowly got ready. He knew that he was never in a rush; he didn’t want to be leaving at the same time as the others, plus he knew that picking up his sister from her science academy always took precedence over picking him up from practice so he was fairly used to waiting around.

‘They're right, you don't have to. I'm not exactly popular.’ Sunghoon said after willing himself to speak up for a few minutes. He felt sick at the thought of Jake holding himself back on behalf of him.

‘And?’ Jake asked expectantly, like Sunghoon had failed to make his point.

‘And you've just moved here, you should make friends.’ Sunghoon stated, thinking that it was fairly obvious what he meant.

‘And you've been living here this whole time, what's your excuse?’ Jake said, perhaps harsher than he meant to be considering the panic that spread across his face when Sunghoon’s face crumpled at the question. Jake was right of course, he'd had twelve whole years to make a friend and he'd been yet to make even one of them. Who was he to tell Jake anything?

‘It's your choice if you don't want to be friends with anyone. But it's also my choice if I want to be friends with someone. From my point of view, I'd quite like to be friends with you, if you’ll let me.’ Jake said in response to Sunghoon's silence, his tone altogether softer like he expected Sunghoon to cry, which perhaps was a possibility.

With a nod so began Sunghoon's first real friendship. It turned out that Jake had a truly amicable personality which allowed him to become acquainted with the entire team to the point that they didn't think he was rude, but without being friends with any of them, despite his clear friendship with the resident loner. Meanwhile, he stuck to Sunghoon like glue before and after practice, chatting his ear off for as long as he could before he got stuck on a word or pronunciation. Then Sunghoon would remind or teach him and Jake would jump right back into his story.

It was perhaps a lot to put on another twelve year old so Sunghoon kept it secret, but Jake was the greatest source of happiness in his life. In the next few months while they were on the ice hockey team together, Sunghoon had smiled because of Jake more than anything else in his life put together. Even when the coaches pulled him to the side and yelled in his face, Sunghoon could keep it together if Jake patted his back quickly afterwards and distracted him with a story about his dog Layla. Even if Sunghoon trudged his way into the changing room with his mother's sharp words battering against his skull, Jake was able to pull him out of his thoughts by arm wrestling him, laughing as Sunghoon defeated him with the slightest movement of his arm.

Sunghoon especially valued Jake when practice was finished and Sunghoon was left alone in the stands, watching the female figure skaters race around the rink as he waited for one of his parents to pick him up. While Sunghoon lived far away and wasn't trusted to get home alone, Jake lived mere minutes around the corner and provided he texted his parents, he was allowed to hang out with Sunghoon until he left. Before Jake, Sunghoon had been alone, his thoughts spiralling in circles like the skaters on the ice. He'd wonder if he'd ever be truly happy, if he'd ever get to quit ice hockey, if he'd ever feel at home in his own skin, if his mind would ever give him a break. But he didn't feel that way when Jake was next to him, pretending to be a figure skater commentator despite the fact that he didn't know the technical names for any of the movements. With Jake next to him, Sunghoon felt like he could just watch the skaters in awe, wondering how anybody could make such beautiful movements.

One evening, Sunghoon's parents were running particularly late, citing a piano showcase for his sister that they definitely hadn't told him about earlier. Sunghoon apologised to Jake profusely as the time ticked on with no sign of Sunghoon's parents coming anytime soon. Jake shrugged, having powered through his math homework before practice started.

‘Let's skate. Their practice is ending, let's kill some time.’ Jake announced after a period of silence as Sunghoon became entranced by the skaters’ movements. He found that it didn't often take long for that to happen; for his eyes to follow the skaters roll around the rink and for his brain to become a little quieter.

Sunghoon agreed quickly since he didn't mind being on the ice itself, it was just ice hockey that he didn't enjoy. Plus, doing anything with Jake was usually fun for Sunghoon, already bracing himself for when Jake would undoubtedly come flying towards him in an attempt to tackle him, which would probably result with Jake lying on the icey ground. It was when they were racing each other around the perimeter of the rink that they were called over to one side. Sunghoon pulled over quickly, having lapped Jake a few times already despite Jake being fairly quick by anyone's standards.

‘You boy, what's your name?’ A tall woman asked. Though Sunghoon had never spoken to her before, he recognised her as one of the figure skating coaches from his many evenings spent watching their practice. Sunghoon had always been a little bit enamoured by the woman, who only ever raised her voice if she was shouting out something to keep her skaters safe. Otherwise, she called her skaters over individually, quietly directing them and demonstrating things herself. She always seemed pretty patient, a far cry from how his coaches acted.

‘Sunghoon.’ Sunghoon murmured, entirely unsure why the woman was directing her attention solely towards him when Jake had arrived already. If he had done anything wrong, then surely so had Jake?

‘You're on the ice hockey team, right?’ She asked, clearly as familiar with him as he was with her. Sunghoon merely nodded in return, feeling like any verbal answer would suggest he felt some kind of attachment towards the team which was certainly not how he viewed the situation.

‘And the coaches give you a hard time?’ The woman continued, watching carefully as Sunghoon froze him. Of course they gave him a hard time, he wasn't any good at the sport. He could race around as fast as he wanted to, but he had no sense of plays and skills. Everytime he ended up with the puck, he panicked and sent it flying off in whatever direction his body naturally wanted it to. Of course the coaches would yell at him, of course his mother would say he deserved it if he wasn't trying to improve. So Sunghoon nodded again.

‘Movements like yours aren't meant for sports like ice hockey. They should have sent you over to me ages ago. I'm Coach Lee by the way. Next time you're here late, borrow some figure skates and come down on the ice. I think you'd fit in much better here.’ Coach Lee continued, rolling her eyes when she spoke of his coaches before going back to smiling gently at Sunghoon.

Whereas before Sunghoon hadn't wanted to say anything, now he found himself fully at a loss for words. This coach had seen something promising in him? They thought it was possible for him to fit in? These were ideas that Sunghoon had spent hours of his day fantasising about but never truly expected to be able to hear.

‘Woah Sunghoon, this is so cool! You could be a figure skater!’ Jake exclaimed, attempting to jump up and down before promptly losing his balance. He flailed his arms to the side until Sunghoon grabbed ahold of him to steady him.

‘But figure skating is for girls…’ Sunghoon said, forcibly stifling his own rising sense of excitement as the sentiments of his hockey teammates popped up within his mind. As a result of scheduling, Sunghoon had seen the start or end of so many figure skating practice sessions alongside his team. He'd heard their comments about the outfits and the poses. He'd seen them hobble around in a circle and claim to be in the running for the olympics. Sunghoon didn’t agree but it was hard to push those thoughts out of his brain after hearing them over and over again.

‘No it's not, don't you watch the olympics? Anyone can do any sport!’ Jake exclaimed, his face forming a disappointed frown at Sunghoon's attitude.

‘And it's not a team sport. I'm supposed to be in a team.’ Sunghoon continued, pulling up as many walls as he could between himself and the idea that gave him a tiny bit of hope. He didn’t want to allow himself to feel it since it seemed like such a far fetched idea. He didn’t think for a second that his mother would allow him to do it, and he didn’t know how it would be possible for him to build up the courage to even suggest it to her.

‘No offense, but it's not exactly working out for you, is it?’ Jake said straightly, patting Sunghoon's shoulder gently before pulling him off the ice, ceasing their slow, aimless skating.

‘‘I guess not… But you won't be there.’ Sunghoon sighed, finally stating the point that weighed upon him the heaviest. His life had changed since Jake had joined the team. He didn't dread practice to the point of feeling queasy; he didn't let out the occasional tear in the stands when he waited to be picked up anymore; but he did smile and laugh and joke around for once in his life. Even if all the other barriers were to magically fall down, Sunghoon didn't think that it would be a positive change for him.

‘Sure I will. I'll watch you practice all the time. I'm not just friends with you because you're on the ice hockey team.’ Jake smiled, nudging him in the ribs and jostling his hairs.

So Sunghoon was twelve years old. He wasn't good at ice hockey, but he was pretty good at skating. His ice hockey team didn't like him, but his friend Jake sure did. His life wasn't exactly the best it could be, but for the first time it felt like he had the capability to make it better.

Chapter 2

Summary:

New skates and new friends.

Sunghoon wasn't sure when he first realised that he was a little bit afraid of telling his mother his opinions. Maybe it was when he first mentioned how his teammates were intentionally tripping him over on the rink in explanation for his busted lip and she told him that it wouldn't have happened if he was more friendly to them. Maybe it was when he returned home with his personal best test score only for her to ask his sister what her best score was. Maybe it was when he had a panic attack because of the coaches’ brutal feedback and she left him alone to ‘deal with it’. Either way, it had been a long time since Sunghoon had delighted in telling his mother anything. Because of that, he'd been attending early figure skating basics sessions with Coach Lee during what should have been ice hockey practice for several days with his mother being none the wiser.

‘So when are you finally going to move over fully?’ Coach Lee asked him as he exited the ice, careful to make sure that he wasn't still in the borrowed figure skates when it was within the range of times that his mother could possibly arrive within. It wasn't lost on Sunghoon or his coach that anything he learned or practiced within their time together quickly unravelled the closer it got to pick up time.

‘I… I, erm, haven't told my Mum yet.’ Sunghoon stuttered out, feeling mere centimetres tall under Coach Lee's gaze. After his first practice session, he'd wanted to run out of the skating centre and jump up and down with joy, bursting with things to tell his mother about the techniques he'd been taught to help him balance better on the different skate style, about how impressed the coaches were at his speed, at how they wanted to start teaching him tricks soon. He felt like all his thoughts and feelings were battering at his skin from within, desperate to come out but when faced with the prospect of having to tell his mother that he'd been sacking off his team practice for figure skating, he found himself becoming entirely silent in the back seat of the car. It made him feel shameful when the coaches praised him, like he was tricking them and giving them false hope.

‘Well, I'll need her permission if you want to do this. You do want to, don't you?’ She asked, a small frown morphing into a soft smile as she observed him further. She had an awful habit of making Sunghoon feel like he was made of plastic, his thoughts and feelings hiding behind a thin, transparent layer, all too easily read.

He wanted to do it. He wanted to go to a practice where he could just focus on himself. He for once wanted to improve. He wanted to understand how skaters could lift themselves off the ice and into the air as if it was natural. He wanted to become a figure skater, which was a thought that terrified and excited him in equal measures. He simply nodded, perhaps a bit too frantically, unsure of what words would come out of his mouth if he tried to verbalise anything.

‘Okay, when she comes to pick you up today, you point me in her direction and I'll have a bit of a talk with her. Is that okay?’ Coach Lee said softly, like she was talking to a delicate, tiny creature and not someone who had been shoved up against the rink boards more times than he could count, whose legs and arms were riddled with bruises in spite of the padding he covered himself with. He'd always been told to toughen up, yet despite his efforts he'd always failed to be convincing. In the end, he was just a boy whose tension lifted immediately at the thought of not having to be present when the coach spoke to his mother.

‘You can keep skating when she's here if you want.’ She smiled, patting him on the back and encouraging him to get back out onto the ice to practice his glides and stops.

In the end, he was so focused on trying to make a small spiral that he didn't notice his mother stride in, her eyes narrowing to the stands where she usually found her son, before glancing around the surrounding area in surprise when she found he wasn’t there. Sunghoon didn’t hear any of the conversation, nor see the way his mother's posture straightened when Coach Lee introduced herself, making herself bigger and more important like an animal posturing in the wild. When he finally noticed them, they were staring intently in his direction. Feeling the urge to prove himself rising within him, Sunghoon braced himself before attempting a basic spiral, a move he'd learned only earlier that evening, pulling his leg up behind him as high and as straight as he could.

Feeling triumphant in his success, Sunghoon finally skated towards his mother and Coach Lee. Unfortunately, like a popped helium balloon, he felt his confidence slowly release out of him the closer he got towards his mother's stern expression. Despite his coach's main comments to him so far being to pull back his shoulders, he couldn't resist the urge for them to pull inwards to hide himself away.

‘Sunghoon, that spiral was great!’ Coach Lee explained as he arrived, giving him a firm high-five. Though Sunghoon was incredibly uneasy, he always felt like a flower under the warmth of sunshine whenever Coach Lee praised him in that easy, delighted way that she tended to do.

‘He learned that only an hour ago. His rate of improvement at the moment is really remarkable. Of course, I can't compare him to a beginner since he's been skating for a while. Plus, when it becomes more difficult, it is standard for there to be a slump. But right now, I think he has a huge amount of potential.’ Coach Lee continued, directing her comments towards his mother who eyed him critically, as if she couldn’t even comprehend that such comments could be genuinely made about him.

‘I'll be in touch.’ His mother said with a hint of uncertainty as she led them towards the exit, Sunghoon struggling to keep up in his skates.

The car ride home was uncomfortably silent for all too long. It was usually this way, though not normally so oppressive. Of course, it was still not fun as his mother often forced her phone into his hands, making him rewatch his countless blunders within his latest match. But recently, he'd been sneaking in figure skating clips when his mother was suitably distracted, desperately having to suppress any gasps of surprise or delight at the moves he watched unfold before him like a beautiful story.

‘You know that you're going to have to work harder, don't you? You can't just roam around the ice and hope someone covers for your mistakes. Everything is on you.’ His mother suddenly cut in after clearly having pondered her words for a few moments.

‘I know.’ Sunghoon said quietly, naturally aware of the differences between the two sports since he'd done both, wondering why his mother assumed that he didn't know this.

‘And it won't be cheap. If you're not fully committed to it, then we're not doing it.’ She continued, her tone sharp and her eyes firmly on the road ahead of her.

‘Can't I just try it first before promising to give my life to it?’ Sunghoon asked without thinking, without remembering to soften the sharp edges of his tone, without mellowing his frustration first. Sunghoon couldn't remember the last time he'd spoken to his mother like that, knowing that it wouldn't serve him well. There would be no painful consequences, she never would go that far, but he knew his relationship with her was tenuous and fragile and one toe out of line would put him out of favour even more. In spite of himself, Sunghoon was still her son and he wanted to be good.

‘No. You're already behind. If you're not going to give it everything, don't give anything at all.’ She said briskly, almost like it was a challenge. Sunghoon wondered if she wanted him to refuse or whether it was a test. If he said no, was it back to ice hockey practice for him? Or would another sport or club manifest to trouble him? Sunghoon was a cautious child and he always preferred the devil he knew, which was perhaps why he'd been stuck in the same place for so long. But in the end, giving a supposedly life-altering decision so quickly didn't feel too much like a hardship this time.

‘Fine. Fine. I promise I'll try my best.’

Sunghoon's favourite part of his day was when it was nearing the end of his practice session, but it wasn't quite finished yet. Whilst most of training consisted of drills, beginning with small groups of skaters at the same level and then moving out more into solo practice and coach feedback, the end of the session gave him a little more freedom. He practiced whatever skills or moves were frustrating him or that he wanted to perfect more. He felt in control, even when his body was betraying him by failing to execute what he wanted it to.

The start and the end of practice was far from being something that he enjoyed. He thought it would be so much easier not being on a team. However, he'd taken for granted that though his teammates had actively disliked him, they weren’t literally out to get him since they were on the same team. Whereas in figure skating, everything felt like a competition. Sunghoon didn’t get it though; everyone who trained at the rink was a girl so he’d never be in competition with them. Yet he felt their judgemental states upon him whenever he stumbled or fell, heard the whispers and giggles behind him back whenever the coach was going over something yet again with him. If anything, he felt more isolated than before, though perhaps Jake's presence near the end of his hockey career had given him some rose-tinted glasses about the whole experience.

Even though there was always a tense feeling in the pit of his stomach as a result of it, he found that he didn't totally dread practice. Coach Lee was right about how much of a quick improvement he was making. Almost each new movement or trick that he was taught sank into his brain and his body like water into a sponge, absorbing and becoming almost like second nature pretty quickly. It continued that way for weeks. Sunghoon bloomed under the constant praise he received and eventually began to thrive under the girls’ jealousy, deciding to take it as evidence of his success rather than as active criticism. Still, the thing he liked the most was when Jake managed to come by his practice. Sometimes, he'd have homework to do as whilst Jake's parents were both supportive, they were still Korean and that meant no excuses when it came to schoolwork. So Sunghoon knew that there would be moves that made his insides fire up in unfamiliar feelings of self-pride that no one would notice, but that was okay because every now and again Jake saw one of them. Sunghoon would land or complete the movement and couldn't help the way his eyes snapped over to the stand, overjoyed to see Jake on his feet, making as much noise and as many movements as he’d been permitted to by the coaches (who'd originally had to pull Jake to one side to scold him for distracting the other skaters).

Perhaps it was because Jake's friendship with him was still pretty new, or because Sunghoon valued it so deeply, or because of the myriad of other issues he had going on, but Sunghoon didn't like it as much when Jake was there when he was having a hard time. He knew from TV and movies that people were supposed to rely on their friends during difficulties, but he didn't want Jake to see any of it. So, a few months after transferring to figure skating classes when Sunghoon was being taught bunny hops, he was pretty glad that Jake wasn't there.

He didn't understand what his issue was. He'd fallen on the ice more than probably all of the skaters in his group, or at least more forcefully since ice hockey involves a lot more shoving. So he didn't think it ought to be fear that was stopping him from wanting to try it. However, each time he decided that now was the time to give it a try, he found himself chickening out. Still within the middle of the training session, he could see the coaches eying him warily, concerned or frustrated at why he wasn't even attempting the skill that had been taught to him. He thought that he wanted to, but his legs weren't cooperating with him.

Generally, Sunghoon would consider himself to be a bit of a coward. He did all he could to avoid speaking to his mother, he was more than happy to lie until Coach Lee stepped in, and he never truly voiced his opinions. However, when he saw both of the coaches backs had turned, Sunghoon sprinted across the ice as fast as he could and hobbled his way to the stands, crouching down onto the floor, safely hidden behind all the other seats. Hiding was still pretty cowardly, but he was a little bit impressed with himself for having the bravery to run off like that.

Unfortunately, any feeling of satisfaction was undercut by his oppressive feelings of self-doubt and borderline loathing. As he thought more and more about his failure on the ice, the quicker and quicker his breathing picked up. Panic attacks weren't unusual for him, but it was the first time that he'd experienced one in relation to figure skating (his mother's opinions aside) and it felt like his friend was betraying him a little. As he clutched at his trousers as air entered and exited his lungs in a way that felt more like knives than gases, he certainly did not notice someone walking down the line of seats towards him.

‘Hey, I'm Heeseung. I think I've seen you around a few times. My brother works at the food stand, so I hang out here sometimes.’ Sunghoon heard the soft but oddly commanding voice and listed his head up from his knees. He was met with a boy, Heeseung, who'd folded down one of the seats to sit on but had bent his torso over his knees to lower himself down to Sunghoon's level. He had a long mop of hair that threatened to hide his eyes and a lanky figure that couldn't be hidden by the unusually bright sweater he wore. But perhaps the most important thing was his kind, worried face that immediately grasped Sunghoon's attention.

‘You okay?’ Heeseung asked softly after a moment. Sunghoon wasn't even aware that his breathing had begun to even out, only now realising that this was one of the first times that he'd had a panic attack with someone else around and perhaps having someone around to draw his attention away from himself was the biggest help he could hope for.

Sunghoon just nodded, not yet able to bring himself to say anything, knowing it would come out strained and stuttering. He found himself wanting to be extremely embarrassed, knowing that he was making a fool out of himself in front of a complete stranger, but there was no judgement in Heeseung's expression, so above all else Sunghoon found himself becoming slowly more comfortable.

‘Okay. Then we can stay here for a while.’ Heeseung said with a small smile, patting him on the shoulder gently. Sunghoon couldn't say for sure, but Heeseung felt older than him and though Sunghoon had never minded being the older sibling in his family, he found himself desperately wishing that he had an older brother. If he had, would he be the way he was now? Maybe, maybe not.

‘I can't do a stupid move.’ Sunghoon mumbled after a few minutes, frustrated when he registered that a pout had formed on his own face. He felt childish as he said it but the inner despair that he felt won out over everything else.

‘Oh, that's rough. How long have you been learning it for?’ Heeseung cooed, patting Sunghoon’s head in a way that perhaps could have been condescending from someone else and despite not knowing Heeseung at all, Sunghoon couldn't view it that way.

‘An hour… But normally I just try it and I get it! This feels so different.’ Sunghoon defended, finding himself a little bit ridiculous as he began to exclaim. Perhaps he'd overreacted a little bit, but though he didn't appreciate his body's regular freak-outs, he didn't like to think that what he was feeling or had felt was wrong.

‘Not all things have the same difficulty level, I guess. But I bet you'll feel way better when you succeed with this move than you did when you did any of those easier moves.’ Heeseung reassured, the corners of his lips tweaking up slightly in amusement.

‘Maybe.’ Sunghoon huffed, pulling at the laces on his skates.

‘And you're just practicing now, it's not a competition. You can just try it and if it's not perfect, you can work on it, right?’ Heeseung continued, his words quickly sinking into Sunghoon's brain and it felt like a wave of calm came over him. Heeseung was right after all; years of pressure from others had made him act as if one blip was the end of everything when it was just a hurdle in a long race, he just had to keep going with it.

‘Thanks Heeseung. I'm Sunghoon.’ Sunghoon smiled, finally introducing himself but being a little proud of himself since Heeseung hadn't had to be the one to ask.

‘Well, Sunghoon, I think you might need to get back down to the rink soon before your coaches get too worried.’ Heeseung said, glancing ahead at the ice. Sunghoon’s view was entirely blocked by the seats in front of him, so could only wonder if his presence was being missed.

‘I'll see you around?’ Sunghoon asked, hopping to his feet now prepared to face the music of the coaches as they undoubtedly questioned where he had been, directing all of their attention towards him while he tried to successfully bunny hop.

‘Sure. Maybe you can show me that jump next time.’ Heeseung smiled, waving goodbye as he headed back in the direction of the snack stand.

In the end, his coaches did scold him for disappearing without saying a word, saying that he was more than welcome to take a physical or mental break so long as he said it to them first. And he did lose his balance on the first few attempts at the move or his legs flailed to the side a little or his timing was off, but after a while, he ended up nailing it. He couldn't suppress the giant smile that filled his whole face, delighted to have overcome that barrier for himself, with a little help of course.

Notes:

Sorry for the gap between updates, I was sick... But Heeseung is here now. I am OT7 always so all the members will join us at some point. I think I'm going to have a considerable time skip for the next chapter just to keep things moving.

Thank you for kudosing so far, please kudos and comment! Comments motivate me a lot!

Chapter 3

Summary:

Sunghoon's first love, kind of.

The pace in which his life had changed in the four years following his shift to figure skating was exhausting, surprising, and still hugely uncomfortable. The majority of his practice sessions were no longer at his most local skating rink, but rather at the Taereung National Training Center. He was still a few years too young to be on the actual Olympic team, but he was ranking in a way that put him in the country's junior league team. He still wasn't entirely sure how he'd managed to progress so far, only that his coaches pleaded with him to enter a competition one year into his training and he'd been on a whirlwind of a journey ever since. He was in essence scouted for the national team as a consequence of his potential and hadn’t had time to look back ever since. His life was filled with ice, a seemingly endless conveyor belt of coaches who failed to live up to his mother's standards or mesh well with Sunghoon's still timid personality, a shockingly small amount of school, and a smattering of moments with his friends. He found that he didn't consider much about his life, just allowing himself to be dictated to by routines, worrying that if he thought about it too much he'd find that he didn't really want to do any of it.

Mentally, he still thought of himself as a nervous pre-teen who was scared to jump off the ice and who would flee towards Heeseung whenever the older boy was around. Some things hadn't changed in that regard. Heeseung worked at the ice rink now, old enough for a part-time job and happy to replace his brother who had important exams approaching. Though Sunghoon no longer practiced there officially, it was hard for his parents to deny him extra practice when the rink was closer to them, so he still ended up at the rink with Heeseung at least once a fortnight. And he was still friends with Jake, who had ended up replacing ice hockey with soccer, but would still camp out at the ice rink, Sunghoon’s apartment or his school at least once a week to catch up with Sunghoon. And Sunghoon still liked skating. Even though the pressure had increased to an astronomical level and his practice was much more structured and intense than when he'd first started, in the end he still felt free when he glided across the ice and the pride he felt when he landed a jump or aced a routine was enough to make everything worth it.

Unfortunately, Sunghoon's social skills didn't show much of an improvement. He'd hoped secretly that the change of environment would allow him to reinvent himself, or at least shake off the preconceptions people had had of him before. However, while there was an abundant number of male figure skaters compared to at his old rink, they all gave him the customary wide berth he’d grown to expect within sports. This distance only seemed to grow with the more success he found through other avenues. He knew the others had some camaraderie amongst themselves, even if it was only in specific cliques, but Sunghoon seemed to be immune from it, joining too late to be amongst the other newbies, and too early to hang around with the skaters of his rankings. He was used to the solitude, but that fact didn’t stop the longing feeling in his chest when he watched small, meaningless interactions between other skaters that he was left out of. Sunghoon was re-tying his laces on the bench outside the rink before practice when someone briskly sat down next to him, intentionally bashing their shoulders togethers.

‘Now who is this handsome guy?’ The boy asked, shoving a glossy magazine into Sunghoon's face.

‘Sunoo, don't.’ Sunghoon whined as he grasped at the magazine, instantly recognising it and not caring even remotely if it got crumpled in his firm grip. As quick as his father had realised that Sunghoon’s shift to becoming as professional as he could be as a sixteen year old could be monetised, the media embraced him. Sunghoon's name quickly shot up in real-time searches and public interest and investment grew in him rapidly. And that had unfortunately meant a consistent stream of interviews, magazines and strange advertisements that he had no part in agreeing to. It was all still strange and uncomfortable for him and when he looked at himself in the mirror, he struggled to connect the shiny boy framed around the family apartment with the person in the reflection. He was just Sunghoon; quiet, awkward, and tired.

‘Well, darling, you're a little hard to avoid. You're everywhere these days, especially here at the rink.’ Sunoo drawled, petting Sunghoon's hair like he was his favourite puppy, which might be the case since he definitely preferred Sunghoon to Jake (though wouldn't say that to Jake).

It hadn't taken long for Sunghoon to meet Sunoo since he'd moved to the training centre. Sunoo was after all training in pair skating so their practices often overlapped or at the very least, they were using the same ice at some point. Sunoo latched onto Sunghoon immediately. Sunghoon had similarly been instantly drawn to Sunoo but he occasionally wondered if he’d have been as willing to cling onto Sunoo if the other skaters had wanted to be friends with him.

‘It’s embarrassing.’ Sunghoon groaned, his eyes rolling back over to the crumpled page and looking back at himself, or rather a glossy, smooth, edited version of himself alongside catchy headings that were kind of what he told the interviewer, but also so far from the truth and context of what he'd been saying that he barely thought of them as his words at all. He still didn't understand how a teenage figure skater could be of any interest to the public, but the littering of non-skating related schedules that began filling his calendar since his rankings improved and his face grew into itself suggested there was something appealing there.

‘Everyone loves you.’ Sunoo said with a small smile. It ought to have been comforting, but Sunghoon registered the unspoken part of Sunoo's words.

Sunghoon wasn't really sure what to call Sunoo. They were friends, that was easy. Sunoo would definitely call them boyfriends, if Sunghoon would let him. He said they talked enough, held hands enough and kissed enough to qualify, they'd just need to stop doing it in locked bathroom stalls or hidden behind the seats in the stands for it to really count. He'd never really considered his own sexuality before seeing Sunoo for the first time. He'd been extremely timid when he'd first moved to the training centre, barely confident enough to lift up his head to look at anyone. But as he was preparing to get onto the ice, he'd caught the tail end of Sunoo's practice session and was enamoured by the younger boy's grace and strength as he manoeuvred the rink with his partner. Then one flash of the boy's smile and Sunghoon had been weak at the knees, a goner. He would never have pursued anything since he was so scared of all of the changes happening within his life, but Sunoo wouldn't take no for an answer from the moment he'd managed to get Sunghoon to admit that he did have something akin to a crush on him.

The words had been on the tip of Sunghoon's tongue often enough, when introducing Sunoo to Heeseung for the first time, or when the competitiveness of their field got the better of an athlete and they decided to throw harsh words in Sunoo's direction. But in the end Sunghoon was the coward he'd always been, placating Sunoo with the excuses that he wasn't ready to be out in public yet, that he didn't want Sunoo to receive any more negative attention, that his name was trending a lot at the moment and it wouldn't be wise for such a revelation to get out. In reality, Sunoo had come out nearly as soon as he'd begun competing and had gotten more than his fair share of criticism and negativity along the way. It hadn't stopped him and in the twenty-first century it ought not to stop Sunghoon either. But it did.

In the end, it was wholly Sunghoon's problem. Sometimes he lay awake at night and tried to imagine telling his parents that not only was he gay but he also had a boyfriend and would find himself overcome with nausea. How much of a disappointment for a son could he be? So he'd push Sunoo away from him when he heard nearby footsteps, deathly afraid of someone seeing and telling his mother, or worse the media. He could only imagine the headlines and the speculation. There ought to have been nothing really holding him back. He was known as the Nation's Ice Price, venerated for his beauty and skills. Even people who knew nothing about figure skating knew his name and everyone was supportive of his Olympic aspirations. He should have felt emboldened by that security, but he knew that the love he received was conditional. When his rankings dropped, so did the positivity he received. He was only as good as his latest competition and as his face. The world he existed in was as fragile as glass, and having a public relationship with Sunoo would be like taking a hammer to it. He knew it was unfair; the way he didn't interact with Sunoo often when they were in public, the way he wouldn't say that he loved him back, or that he wouldn't allow anyone else to know about them. It wasn’t fair to Sunoo who was so confident in himself, who wanted to love loudly, but Sunghoon couldn’t bring himself to break free of the conditions he'd set for himself.

‘I wish they'd care a little less about me.’ Sunghoon muttered, pointedly ignoring the way Sunoo's smile slipped the way it did each time that he stated or implied that he loved Sunghoon. It had been clear from the start that Sunoo loved quickly, or at least thought he did, but after a year of ‘dating’ it was Sunghoon who was falling behind and not Sunoo who was sprinting ahead. Sunoo cared so much, and at times it felt like it was choking Sunghoon, who wasn’t even sure if he had the capacity to love at all. He wondered if he really loved his parents at all, or if it was filial obligation. At times he even wondered if he loved his friends, or if he was just desperate to ease his loneliness. He really didn’t know if he loved Sunoo. When he looked at the younger boy, he often felt happy but it felt similar to when he saw Heeseung after a while apart. Sometimes, he felt nervous, unsure of what to do or what to say to make Sunoo happier with him than he was. The movies said that his heart should have been racing and his hands should have been sweating and he should be kicking his feet in joy at the thought of Sunoo, but he didn't feel that. He had wondered if he'd grow to feel that way in time, but nothing had changed.

‘Oh woe is me, everyone in my country thinks I'm a beautiful being bound for Olympic gold, oh how could anyone ever bear the attention?’ Sunoo mocked dramatically while poking Sunghoon in the ribs, putting the incident behind him rapidly as he usually did.

‘I don't like the attention.’ Sunghoon re-emphasised, always a little worried that people thought that he enjoyed the attention he received. He would love to only be mentioned when he was in a competition, and even then he'd much prefer to slip through the cracks if he wasn't within the top ranks. But unfortunately, his parents were his managers and Sunghoon wasn't sure that they’d ever reject an opportunity, citing that being an athlete wasn't a job that would get him to retirement and it was important to take all the jobs he could get while he could get them. They weren't wrong, but that didn't do anything to change the fact that he didn't like it.

‘Unfortunately, you're getting it whether you want it or not.’ Sunoo smiled, tapping his thigh before rising to his feet and bounding out onto the ice before Sunghoon had the chance to say anything on the matter.

That was essentially the crux of he and Sunoo's relationship; Sunoo would seek him out when he wanted him, they'd speak for a little while and then go their separate ways. Sunghoon really didn't understand why Sunoo put up with him. It was partly why Sunghoon felt uneasy at the boyfriend label, since it didn't really feel that way. They'd talk like anyone else, though close friends at the least, and maybe occasionally do something that friends wouldn't normally do, and then that was it. Sunghoon was far from a relationship expert, but he didn't think it was supposed to be that way, or feel that way. So he wasn't entirely surprised when Sunoo sidled up to him after practice the following day sporting an uncharacteristic frown, clutching at his bag strap nervously.

‘Let's break up, if we can even call it that.’ Sunoo said flatly after a moment of silence that Sunghoon didn't try to fill. Sunghoon felt like a balloon that had suddenly been pricked as all of the air in his lungs tried to escape. Meanwhile he wished that he could simply float away from it all, Sunoo, the magazines, the ice and the new jump he didn't have a handle on.

‘Okay.’ Sunghoon ended up saying, fearful that he sounded as emotionless as he felt. He knew that his heart was supposed to be breaking as his world fell apart but perhaps the strongest feeling he felt was relief, and then guilt in quick succession. He'd spent so many hours willing himself to love Sunoo, to even say aloud that he liked him but found himself unable to make out the words, feeling utterly wrong on his tongue. He felt a growing sense of ease knowing that that routine wouldn't be an obligation for him anymore.

‘I was hoping you’d say something different. I guess I've been a bit foolish.’ Sunoo said, his lower lip shaking slightly though he was clearly trying desperately to pull himself together. Sunghoon felt a rush of shame knowing that he was the cause of Sunoo's unhappiness, and had likely been so for much longer than Sunoo had let on for.

‘Sunoo, I'm so sorry. I can't give you what you want.’ Sunghoon said quickly, bowing his head in remorse. He wondered how selfish he must be for thinking just about himself all this time, but especially now. How could his initial reaction have been so pleased when Sunoo was clearly so upset? Relationship aside, had they not been friends? Sunghoon felt waves of self-loathing crash over himself as he was given yet another example to explain why friendships slipped away from his hands so quickly and effortlessly; he didn't deserve them.

‘I thought so. I just wanted it to work out.’ Sunoo said quietly. Despite being so clearly shaken, Sunoo sat down beside Sunghoon as opposed to walking away which Sunghoon was sure is what he would have done in Sunoo's position. The gap between them was only marginally bigger than usual, but it felt huge when he thought about the way Sunoo usually stuck to him like gum when he had the opportunity to.

‘I'm sorry. I'm just not… brave.’ Sunghoon explained, unable to stop himself from wanting to apologise over and over again. He still couldn't look directly at Sunoo, the guilt weighing down so heavily upon him.

‘It's okay, kind of. I'm sorry if I pushed you in any way before you were ready. Just don't go out with anyone else until you can do it fully, it's not fair.’ Sunoo said, seemingly pulling himself together. His tone was soft, softer than he deserved it to be, though it hardened near the end of his speech. Sunghoon found himself almost craving Sunoo to be angry at him, to yell and make a scene and to demonstrate to everyone just how terrible he really was. But Sunoo just smiled softly at him, whether it was genuine or not.

‘I won't, I promise. I'm just… sorry.’ Sunghoon said, becoming frustrated at himself for saying the same thing over and over again but not doing anything to help the situation.

‘I'll get over it. I know the media thinks you're a prince, but you're not the only good guy around. I'll find someone else. We're only young.’ Sunoo scoffed, though Sunghoon could see he wasn't as unaffected as he wanted to seem. Sunghoon was always baffled by Sunoo's ability to see straight through him. While Heeseung and Jake were perceptive, they tended towards distraction techniques rather than addressing the root cause, which Sunghoon had always thought was typical for boys their age. Meanwhile, Sunoo always said it how it was, not aiming to make his words pretty or palatable like he did with others.

‘I'm only saying this because I know you. Just… Don't think this makes you a flawed person. You're not wrong. Even if you were ready, I don't think that you love me. And that sucks, I won't lie, but it's life and you're not living in a wrong way.’ Sunoo continued after a moment, turning to face Sunghoon directly and ensuring that he could finally meet the older boy's eyes. Sunghoon took a deep shuddering breath, wondering if it would have been easier if Sunoo had screamed and yelled at him rather than him being so nice, way nicer than he deserved. He would have loved to have believed Sunoo, and maybe one day his words would truly make sense to him, but in that moment they merely skimmed off the top layer of self-hatred, leaving a simmering pot of it still bubbling underneath it all.

‘I'm still your friend and I'm still rooting for you. I hope you'll do the same for me.’ Sunoo said finally, having perhaps become tired by Sunghoon's lack of response. But really, what was there left to say? He didn't agree with Sunoo's gentle words, but how cruel would it be to disagree with him even now?

‘I will. Really, I want you to win it all.’ Sunghoon brought himself to say at last, finding that his words felt like they were squeezing his throat as he pushed them out. But fortunately, he meant those words at the very least.

Sunoo left Sunghoon shortly after, scurrying off to meet his mother, a woman Sunghoon had seen countless times and who he suspected had drawn her own conclusions about who had been to her son. He wondered if Sunoo had argued with him when she tried to ask about him, or whether Sunoo had told her after all despite being sworn to secrecy. There was a lot he didn't know about Sunoo, things that he hadn't thought to ask about. Some of those questions would sit with him for a long time; the what if's of one's first relationship, the guilt of one's first major mistake. Fortunately, Sunoo wasn’t someone who could disappear from his life, having to share the same ice, competitions and TV screens, Sunoo was never far away but always out of touch.

‘Sunoo was kind of my boyfriend, you know?’ Sunghoon found himself blurting out to Heeseung who'd managed to strong-arm his mother into letting him pick Sunghoon up from practice and take him out for dinner every now and again now that he'd gotten his licence. Sunghoon couldn't help but feel like a burden every time that it happened, a true inconvenience because who else's friend needed to go to such lengths to see them, but he was also eternally grateful that Heeseung would do such a thing for him.

‘Oh… You didn't say. For how long?’ Heeseung said, his bambi eyes widening and his posture straightening in surprise. He looked at Sunghoon with an unfamiliar suspicion, clearly unsure how to approach the situation.

‘Like a year..’ Sunghoon muttered, aware of how ridiculous the situation sounded even when justifying to a friend and questioning entirely how Sunoo could accept it so willingly for so long.

‘Did you tell anyone?’ Heeseung asked gently, without the tone of accusation that Sunghoon had expected from him. Drawing his lips together, Sunghoon could do nothing but shake his head timidly.

‘You know I’ll have your back no matter what, right? I wish you felt like you could tell me stuff like this. You'd have to do something seriously messed up for me to judge you at this point.’ Heeseung sighed, patting his back like he deserved to be comforted.

‘I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been envious of you when we first met. But I know it's a harder life than you're letting on. I wish you didn't bottle stuff up until it explodes. You can just text me and you know I'll come. Outside of school hours, of course.’ Sunghoon felt a suffocating rise of emotions within him at Heeseung's continuous words and fought violently to keep it down lest he burst into hysterics. Instead, he closed his eyes and took some deep breaths in, wary of Heeseung's eyes on him periodically.

Notes:

rip if you're a sunsun truther. Please kudos and comment! Next chapter will bring in Jay or Ni-ki, maybe both??? What kind of people do you think they'll be to Sunghoon in this verse?

Thank you for reading!

Chapter 4

Summary:

Competition and friendship.

Another year passed almost without even noticing it. The changes were a little harder to miss. Whilst his first coach had constantly warned Sunghoon and his mother about the inevitable slump in growth that hit all athletes at some point, Sunghoon was yet to reach it. Instead, he found that his career and skills continued to build and climb continuously without stopping until he became the number one male figure skater in the country. Of course, there were times where the judging was questionable or where his competitor pulled something unexpected out of the bag, or where he was in more of a resting period to prevent injuries before a more major competition, but domestically Sunghoon was at the top of his field when it came to junior skaters, being a mere year away from joining the senior division.

When Sunghoon was at home, he often found himself in front of the wall of trophies and medals that decorated the hallway. When he was younger, the wall was dominated by his sister's achievements, having participated in more school or academy competitions than Sunghoon could even comprehend. But now, he found that it was his accomplishments that took up the majority of the wall. More often than not, he found himself tracing the names inscribed upon them with his eyes, and sometimes his fingers, still unable to recognise that these were really his. He still struggled with some kind of imposter's syndrome, as his own success was a little unfathomable to himself. But even when he recognised that they were his, he rarely felt pride outside of when he was handed the award at the competition. Looking at it in his family home, decorated like it was some art piece, barely made him feel anything.

Perhaps the greatest improvement in his life in the last year was that his parents couldn't really say anything to him. He was a little older for one, but he was now a semi expert in his field and that meant that his opinion was marginally superior to theirs so provided that Sunghoon was winning and his coaches had no complaints, neither did his parents for the first time in his life. It was pretty liberating, and at first when he had noticed he'd truly wanted to take advantage of it. He’d wanted to bunk off practice, hell maybe even school, and see Heeseung or Jake, Sunoo if he was willing, and just do something that kids his age were supposed to do, though what exactly that was he had no idea about. However, he hadn't banked on his friends first questioning if he was okay, and then once assured of that, apologising because they were willing to skip school and they didn't want him messing up either. He was thankful to have such responsible, good friends around him, but he found himself daydreaming in class even more than usual that day.

Despite his increased freedom, he had to admit that he was a little more nervous than usual and that probably fed into his uncharacteristic desire to escape for a while. His coaches had been pretty insistent since he'd started competing that he needed to focus on domestic competitions first, slowly climbing the ranks and perhaps unexpectedly rising to the top. Though his mother had raised concerns about this narrow focus, his coaches had argued that going international too early would wear him out and result in a worsened performance all round, and that it wasn't wise for junior skaters still completing their education. However, now that Sunghoon had risen in the rankings as high as he could, his coaches turned their focus to the upcoming international competitions that Sunghoon was expectedly enrolled in.

The reality of the situation had hit Sunghoon like a sudden ton of bricks. Of course, it was serious before but it had never felt too much that way. Now, it felt severe. He found himself searching up each skater listed on the roll sheet whenever he had a resting moment, watching in horror at their skill level. Sunghoon hadn't thought that he'd grown arrogant, but he'd certainly grown comfortable, knowing the styles and strategies of the other Korean skaters without even having to think about it. But as he looked through the competition skaters, there were names he'd never even heard of, nevermind having studied.

That fact had been frightening for him when he was at home, still nestled amongst his home comforts and stealing random moments with his friends. However, when he came to be sat on a plane flying out to Tokyo, and in fact travelling outside of Korea for the first time, the idea became even more daunting. His parents weren't with him, not wanting to cause major disruptions to his sister's life, though they promised they'd be watching the broadcast. It left him with just his coach. Coach Hwang was nice enough compared to other coaches he'd met along his journey, but Sunghoon couldn't quite feel safe next to the older man, who was a former medalist. While Coach Lee, his first skating coach, celebrated each victory for Sunghoon, Coach Hwang felt like he was just ticking off achievements in a long list for himself. So, while Sunghoon knew he should discuss his concerns with his coach who would likely be able to advise and reassure him, he found himself clamming up and bottling all his worries up inside of himself.

The flight was only a short one, thankfully. But it didn't stop him from getting wrapped up in his thoughts. What would his parents say if his ranking didn't keep up with what it was domestically? What would the media say? He'd been lucky to be viewed in such a positive light for the majority of his pro career, and could only imagine how the headlines would twist and morph into something unrecognisable to him if he was failing to live up to the expectations that someone else had set for him.

His thoughts were whirling in a vicious circle as the plane landed, as the more eager passengers began taking to the aisle to get off the plane as soon as possible, while Sunghoon stayed in his seat, waiting for the queue to lessen before trying to grab his bag. As he waited, he was suddenly drawn out of his own head by a familiar voice, or rather laugh. Looking up, Sunghoon found Sunoo chatting away happily with the girl who Sunghoon recognised to be the latest of Sunoo's partners. Sunghoon didn't know a huge amount about the difference between figure skating and pair skating, but he knew from Sunoo's near endless complaints that partners could be a little more transient than he'd expected them to be before they landed on the perfect combination.

Sunghoon knew that he'd often made Sunoo unhappy during their time together, but he also knew that it took a lot to truly bring Sunoo down. At least from appearances and what Sunoo said, the difficulties in their relationship slid off him and he was able to get back to his sunny demeanor fairly swiftly. So in that way Sunghoon didn't think that Sunoo looked happier than when he was with him, but he certainly looked more relaxed. His shoulders carried no tension and he simply looked at peace, in spite of the looming competition.

Sunoo hadn't noticed him, despite shuffling closer and closer down the aisle as the plane finally began to deboard. As Sunoo lined up next to him, Sunghoon couldn't stop himself from rising to his feet.

‘Sunoo. Erm… Best of luck this week. I've been monitoring your scores. Your routines lately have been killer so I'm sure you'll do brilliantly.’ Sunghoon stammered as the air in his lungs suddenly tried to push itself out.

Sunoo turned towards the source of the voice with urgency, his eyes landing on Sunghoon and widening considerably. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again several times, clearly unsure how to respond to the unexpected encounter. They'd certainly seen each other around in passing over the year, but small talk and conversation were things they'd both managed to avoid.

‘Thanks. You too.’ Sunoo said, uncharacteristically shy before turning to face the exit and heading through the plane.

For a moment, Sunghoon felt a sudden pang of disappointment within him, though he wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. Had he wanted Sunoo to be happy to speak to him, or continue the conversation, or at least have had somewhat of a reaction? The more he thought about it, the more the nausea threatening him continued to rise. He'd never quite forgiven himself for how he'd treated Sunoo, despite Sunoo seeming to have moved on. Yet, he felt that his treatment of himself was pretty justified considering his reaction to Sunoo, proving his own selfishness once again.

It was thoughts like those that tormented him while he lounged around his hotel room. His daily practice was finished and due to the nature of the event, the rink was fully booked up otherwise. He knew some athletes would do some light exercise, while others would socialise with other skaters. Instead, Sunghoon found himself intermittently searching the names of the skaters he'd be competing against the following day. Previous coaches he'd had had made sure that he studied his domestic competitors intimately, if he hadn't known them personally anyway. Meanwhile, when Sunghoon reached out to coach Hwang for some insight, he was told to just focus on himself, and to go on YouTube if he was that desperate.

There were frankly way too many skaters that made him tense up just watching them. Even though he was only looking at skaters competing within Asia, not daring to even consider the wider world, he struggled to understand how anyone could have faith in him coming out on top of so many people. He tried not to pay anyone too much mind and after a while, it all became a little bit monotonous. He knew he was supposed to be watching with a critical eye, looking out for weaknesses, strategies and special skills. But in the end, it all became a little overwhelming and he ended up closing the tab and watching something distracting instead.

On the day of the competition, Sunghoon threw up after breakfast. He should have told his coach so that they could prepare for any dizziness or lack of strength, but in the end he answered that he was feeling fine after he'd briskly returned from the bathroom. He hadn't felt like this at other competitions. He'd been a little nervous, but up until recently he hadn't felt like anyone had really had any expectations of him. He was a good looking kid who'd started skating a little too late. Then he was someone with a huge amount of potential. Then quite quickly he became Korea's next big shot at a medal. The last point had been an untested theory until now since domestic accomplishments meant nothing on the world stage. But now he had to prove himself, or else the walls of his castle would come crumbling down.

It was curious how any friendliness he'd seen between other skaters seemed to fizzle away the moment the competition officially started. Hardly anyone spoke to someone who wasn't their coach throughout the duration of the competition, which was a fact that Sunghoon was fairly thankful for; it made him seem a little less like an outlier. He was also grateful for how early he was within the lineup. Performing third he knew was not the ideal position for anyone who wanted real Olympic gold, but this was his first major competition and everyone was still shy of the senior division. At this level, going early meant less time for nerves so he could skate without as many thoughts of comparison to others.

As soon as he stepped off the ice, he remembered nothing of his routine. The lack of throbbing pain in his body would suggest that he hadn't fallen, which was reassuring, but he knew it wasn't normal to completely blank out and it certainly wasn't wise on the ice. His coach had told him he'd done well, clapping him on the back hard enough to wake him up a little, and had guided him over to the seats quickly enough for Sunghoon not to notice how hard his legs were trembling. Thankfully, his coaches always recorded his performances on their phones so he could review it whenever he wanted and so Sunghoon watched himself perform as if it was a stranger, tuning out the blasting sounds of the crowd and the music of the next skater. Technically he'd done pretty well, he had to admit, but he could see within his face that he wasn't there, simply going through the motions. His points for style would surely take a beating for it, which filled his gut with a sinking feeling of dread, but he didn't feel like a complete failure, which was in its own way a kind of victory, though he certainly didn't feel like a victor.

When his score appeared on the screen, Sunghoon couldn't hear anything besides a ringing sound in his head. He knew his coach was saying something, knew that there would be some reaction from the crowd but he couldn't hear a single sound, and could barely see anything as his vision blurred and his heart rate skyrocketed. He gripped at his thighs with his hands, urging himself to calm down and to focus, to comprehend the numbers in front of him that he'd understood for years of competing but now made no sense to him. Eventually his exhausted brain caught up and he finally could breath. He'd done well, much better than he thought he deserved when he critically considered his own performance. It put him into the leading spot, but out of three skaters that was hardly a huge accomplishment and of course it meant that he'd have to spend the rest of the competition wondering who would knock him off the top spot and how low he'd be pushed down.

Sunghoon ended up spacing out for a few skaters, barely bringing himself to look at their scores, though noting that his name was still in the number one spot. He found himself coming back into his body when he heard the announcer proclaim that Nishimura Riki representing Japan would now take to the ice. He was a skater Sunghoon knew very little about besides the fact that this was his first major competition, and that he was the youngest skater on the ice that day. While Sunghoon had been well known within Korea, he'd seen a wave of articles come out about the nicknames Ni-ki who seemed to have burst out onto the skating scene in Japan seemingly out of nowhere and had managed to qualify for the competition at the age of fourteen.

Sunghoon found that he could barely take his eyes away from the ice. Even from just watching from the stands, it felt as if the boy was attacking the ice with the intensity of his movements. When he glanced at the big screen, he saw a similar picture from the boy's intense gaze. The music he skated to was strong, but didn't demand the level of ferocity that he was bringing to it. Sunghoon found himself gripping the plastic seat of his chair, watching anxiously as the boy just about threw himself off the ice into a jump, only to come crashing back down again to the floor. It was clear that the boy gritted his teeth, before hauling himself back up to his feet faster than was natural after such a harsh fall. The boy completed his routine rapidly, skating with an intensity that Sunghoon doubted that anyone there today could hope to match.

As his routine ended, Sunghoon watched as the skater came as close to stomping as was possible on the ice. Immediately he wanted to look away. He'd seen his fair share of temper tantrums in his time training, as it was easy for the emotions and frustrations to get the best of you when you made a mistake at a key moment. But he found that those people didn't usually last. Just as he was about to look away, he happened to glance at the skater's hands, or rather fists. The boy had screwed up his hands, pressing his nails so tightly into the skin of his palm that even from afar, Sunghoon could see his hand shaking with the force of it all.

Sunghoon felt his heart sink. He didn't know this boy, and if the rest of his skates were similar to how he performed today, Sunghoon doubted whether they'd meet at many more competitions like this again. Sunghoon was never quick to care about others and was rarely the first to make any conversation, but from the moment he'd set eyes on Ni-ki, he'd felt something. Perhaps he related to the boy's evident frustration, maybe he saw a little of himself in him, or maybe he wished he could feel and show his emotions as clearly as the younger boy did.

‘Hello. My name is Sunghoon. This is my first international competition, it’s nice to meet you.’ Sunghoon said in tumbling English, finding himself inexplicably on his feet and somewhat blocking the other skater from passing by as he headed into the stands with the rest of the skaters who'd finished their routines. He held out his hand directly towards the younger boy, imploring with his eyes for the boy to shake it. The boy regarded his hand with extreme suspicion before slowly raising his hand, shaking it loosely, like he didn’t want their skin to touch. As they did so, Sunghoon could feel Ni-ki's hand trembling against his. It could have easily been because of adrenaline as it could be nerves, but from regarding him Sunghoon was inclined towards the latter.

‘Your speed on the ice is really… good. I think I could learn a lot from you.’ Sunghoon continued, internally cursing himself for taking his English classes so lightly. In part he blamed his parents, whose attitude towards studying swiftly shifted from oppressively forcing him to do it to laxly allowing him to skip it in favour of additional skating practice. As a consequence, Sunghoon found that though he wanted to compliment the other boy generously, all his blanked out mind could think of was ‘good’.

‘My coach was Korean. I know some Korean.’ Ni-ki mumbled in accented Korean, not looking up to meet Sunghoon's eyes after the initial surprise of their interaction.

‘Oh. Good. I’m really bad at English.’ Sunghoon said, unable to stop himself from smiling a little despite the awkwardness of it all. He felt a weight lift off of him. Of course, whatever happened would be dictated by Ni-ki but for once, Sunghoon felt an impetus to speak to another person and support them. Besides Heeseung and Jake, it wasn't a feeling that came naturally to him so it was unexpected that he'd feel such a way about a kid he really knew so little about.

‘You’re a little old for this to be your first international competition.’ Ni-ki said, which from anyone else would sound judgemental, but Ni-ki's expression showed only curiosity and intrigue.

‘I’d say you’re a bit too young.’ Sunghoon countered, raising an eyebrow in Ni-ki's direction. Ni-ki frowned at him momentarily before his posture seemed to go slack as some of the tension within him dissolved.

Unfortunately, it was at that moment that Sunghoon heard a raised voice behind him saying something sternly in Japanese. Ni-ki looked momentarily sheepish before side-stepping Sunghoon and making to leave. However, just before he started making his way towards someone who Sunghoon presumed was his coach, Ni-ki turned back towards and smiled ever so slightly, raising his hand in a tentative wave goodbye.

Just like that, Sunghoon found himself somewhat adopting the younger skater. Of course, they couldn't see each other regularly, but they both would reach out whenever the other had a competition, spending what little free time they had together. Though they were direct competitors, Sunghoon was someone who was at the top of his game, just ready to go pro, whereas Ni-ki was still progressing his way towards that goal. In that way, Sunghoon felt more like a mentor or someone who Ni-ki could look up to rather than a peer. So their interactions were pretty comfortable and relaxed, as if Ni-ki was his younger brother. When Ni-ki’s scores weren't what he wanted them to be, like their first competition together, Sunghoon could comfort him and vice versa. Fortunately, as the competitions continued, there were more occasions for Sunghoon to celebrate than to commiserate as he found that he was able to maintain his rankings the majority of the time. It had been a surprising idea to entertain, but the more it occured, the less he could deny its reality.

Notes:

Whee! Ni-ki's here! Jay's next --
Please kudos and comment your thoughts so far!

Chapter 5

Summary:

Reporters and interviews.

Everything fell apart so quickly. By the time Sunghoon entered the senior division, he was at the top of his game. It was rare that any other competitor managed to beat him on the day of a competition and he certainly didn't leave without a medal and it reached a point that there was no more space for medals and accolades, leaving them to collect in storage. He’d gone into his first senior competition filled with the confidence of all he’d achieved behind him. It had been naive perhaps, but whatever expectations he’d had of himself were drummed up by his coaches, supporters and news outlets who’d expressed so little doubt in his capabilities that it seemed foolish for him to have any reservations. If everyone else could see it, who was he to question it.

What nobody had expected was for him to bomb his first major competition. He had been familiar with all the competitors in the junior division and knew instinctively their strengths and weaknesses without any considerations of it. He knew how to account for any special tricks they pulled out and could adjust to ensure that he stayed on top. However, aside from a few skaters who’d moved up prior to him, he hadn’t truly known what to expect from others. As a consequence, he’d become completely overwhelmed by the step-up in terms of caliber that he’d been faced with and had foolishly not prepared for. The pressure had gotten to him without even realising it and he’d stumbled unconsciously on the ice as he’d prepared for a jump. The force with which he’d hit the ground had stunned him and he’d blacked out. He should have tried to return to his feet as soon as possible and resume his routine but as he struggled to stand, his brain couldn’t figure out where he was up to. Like an amateur he'd been left floundering for way too long, clueless as to where and how he ought to move his body. His score had been near enough the lowest out of all the competitors there and that was the beginning of the end for him.

‘It's just one competition. Hey, you remember what I was like at my first competition, and look at me now.’ Ni-ki had reassured him on the phone after he'd escaped from his hotel in the small hours of the morning after the competition, plainly ignoring the calls and messages from his parents, fearful of their disappointment and disdain. Ni-ki was correct in one regard, having needed a few months of further training and practice before he'd gradually climbed up the rankings, becoming one of Team Japan's top picks for the junior ranks.

Sunghoon knew that Ni-ki’s perception ought to have been the reality. However, as Sunghoon had made waves as a junior skater, he knew that other skaters and commentators had developed high expectations of his performance. That one mistake was enough to completely warp people's perceptions of him. He saw the way the other skaters’ curiosity in him fizzled out immediately and could see the disbelief in his coach's eyes as he exited the ice. Perhaps the most brutal of all were the headlines and community posts that sprung up almost instantly. His childhood nickname of Ice Prince had once almost been reclaimed by the media when he'd started skating professionally. It wasn't mocking but instead heavily praised his skills and his looks. Now the nickname continued strongly but had reverted back to its original scathing connotations as people questioned his position and worthiness of representing his country at a high level when that was what he was capable of.

Of course, Jake and Heeseung had been quick to contact him and had tried to meet up almost as soon as he'd landed back in the country.

‘It's just a blip, or the nerves of the event got to you. There’s nothing stopping you from making a comeback at the next competition.’ Jake said over convenience store ramen, patting Sunghoon on the back periodically like he was soothing a baby.

‘It’s also natural to have a slump at this stage. I guess part of the allure of your career was that you never seemed to falter like everyone else, but it was unrealistic to never do so. Please don’t beat yourself up over it.’ Heeseung added, his air of wisdom making their one year age gap seem so much wider.

Sunghoon had almost wanted to agree with them, since Jake spoke with such conviction and he found himself always wanting to believe Heeseung who had recently started attending university and seemed so mature by default despite the fact that his personality hadn't changed at all. Outwardly Sunghoon had nodded in assent, but it was hard not to let it get to him.

In the times where he should have been studying his competitors or reviewing his practices, he found himself lost in the waves and waves of sports outlets and opinion pieces and social media posts that cropped up about him. He’d always expected for public opinion to turn against him, but the force and speed in which it did still came as a surprise for him. He'd held out hope that he'd be given a few chances before people wiped their hands of him, but it seemed like he wasn't offered that kindness. His advertising contracts weren't pulled exactly as it would be a loss for both of them, but he felt an immediate drop off in opportunities and he knew that the companies that had re-signed with him repeatedly would drop him like a stone when the time came.

It had been impossible not to internalise everything he'd read and it started to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The public expected him to do poorly, and he did, with each subsequent competition he entered falling victim to more amateur errors and slip ups that would have been unfathomable for him mere months prior.

As this continued month after month, competition after competition, even the smallest things he'd once been able to rely on had shifted. While his parents had blamed his coach, he could see Coach Hwang had been eager to be rid of him. Whereas before, he'd had his pick of coaches, even those who already had clients, but now it felt like a struggle to pin any of them down to work with him. One small thing that he'd hadn't realised he'd been relient on was the good will of the reporters’ interviews at the competitions. The same reporters who'd been so complimentary and friendly towards him suddenly turned their backs on him, asking him cold and leading questions as if wanting him to stumble. He'd become lost, wondering if his life before had been nothing but an illusion kept up by people who wanted to take advantage of him, but now that he wasn't in the good graces of the public they had no use for him and didn't even bother to show him the merest glimpse of kindness despite the success and profit he'd brought them before.

The Skate Asia competition had been something that he'd anticipated for all of his youth training. Sunghoon would never have described himself as the most competitive person, knowing that he was only still skating because of his parents’ demands and because he had been backed into a corner which left him with very few other options for what else he could do. However, there were points where he had found himself being ambitious, imagining what his future could look like. He'd pictured himself at iconic competitions like these, he'd imagined what it would feel like to stand on an Olympic podium, he'd imagined retiring from skating just before he began to dip from his peak. Some of those had begun to feel like just dreams now, with it seemingly increasingly delusional to suggest that they were still a possibility.

Perhaps unwisely, he'd ended up debuting a new routine as his new coach, Coach Lewis, hadn't been fond of him continuing to practice and use routines from his previous coaches. Sunghoon didn't have much of an opinion on Coach Lewis as the American was pretty hard to communicate with. Sunghoon's English was rudimentary at best, whereas Coach Lewis was yet to learn any Korean at all. They just about managed to get by, but Sunghoon knew next to nothing about the person his parents had shipped in to supposedly fix him and wondered how it could ever possibly work if they couldn't convey the nuanced details of the performances to each other.

Performing a new routine for the first time had always been a daunting task and for nearly all skaters led to a predictable drop in scores as there were always a few things that needed to be ironed out or perfected later down the line. So, combined with his recent track record, Sunghoon wasn't too surprised by his scores. He'd improved from his last competition, which he saw as a major victory because he was certain that any more stagnation in the position he was currently in would mark the swift end of his career. Mere seasons ago, his score would have crushed him but now it was just another small punch on an already sore bruise; it hurt, but it didn't knock him like it would have done. It almost made him hold out hope that his ranking could rise if he continued the way he was going.

After exiting the ice, he braced himself for the rounds of media interviews that inevitably followed. Perhaps the only benefit of falling from grace was that there had been a notable dropoff in the number of reporters that wanted to speak with him, particularly those from other countries. The first reporter he approached was familiar to him. He remembered the older man easily having seen him regularly since he had first started competing. He'd always been kind to him, often presenting him with a plush toy as a nod to how his fans would show their support. Their conversations had always been easy and full of praise. Yet as he approached, the man barely acknowledged him before shoving a microphone in his direction, his expression neutral enough to not come across as antagonistic, but it was certainly a far cry away from being friendly.

‘Another disappointing score for you today. What went wrong?’ The reporter stated, his eyes feeling like they were piercing straight through him. Sunghoon was a little used to being talked to like that by this point, but it stung that day. His performance wasn't perfect, but calling it a disappointment felt way too harsh.

‘My practice has been going well. I think I'm maybe still getting used to the standards of the senior division.’ Sunghoon said, having to swallow around the lump in his throat. Even though he'd moved up in seniority, he felt small like a child and wanted nothing more than to go back.

‘Some people are doubting whether you can return to the form you were in before. What do you have to say to that?’ The man continued, his tone light like he was talking about the weather and not the burden placed upon him.

‘I'm trying my best.’ Sunghoon replied. In his head he’d wanted to say it firmly with conviction but in reality the statement came out just fractions above the volume of a whisper.

Embarrassed and shameful, Sunghoon couldn't stop himself from exiting the interview without giving any time for him to be dismissed or for any conclusion remarks. He wondered how many posts would be made about how disrespectful he was for this action, despite how he was spoken to.

The mini press circuit continued in a similar vein as Sunghoon went from critical reporter to borderline rude commentator. With each conversation, Sunghoon felt the hope drain from his body. He truly had thought his performance had improved, but how could he really believe that if no one else could see it? His coach hadn't done more than give him a tight-lipped smile. His parents hadn’t contacted him. His performance had been too close to Ni-ki's for him to be able to speak with him. Perhaps he really was delusional for thinking that he could ever come back from his grievous errors.

The final reporter was someone he'd not come across before. He’d recognised the outlet from the last few competitions; a magazine that mostly specialised in travel but seemed to be trying to broaden out into sports and other categories lately. He remembered the reporter as being another brisk older man, but the person holding the microphone and tapping anxiously at his phone seemed barely older than he was. As Sunghoon approached warily, the other man jolted in surprise, nearly dropping his phone on the floor, flailing as he tried to catch it. He offered Sunghoon an awkward yet welcoming smile that had him freezing up, unused to such a display of hospitality.

‘Hello, my name is Jay. It's an honour to meet you.’ The man, or maybe boy, greeted, bowing lowly to Sunghoon and then shaking his hand, an odd mix of east and west that left Sunghoon a little untethered.

‘Oh… I'm Sunghoon. It's nice to meet you too.’ Sunghoon replied slowly, entirely uncertain of himself, wondering if Jay had perhaps confused him with another skater considering how polite he was being. It didn't really matter that Jay seemed new to the game; Sunghoon had come across new reporters now and again at competitions since his fall from grace and they’d ended up treating him just like the veteran reporters did.

‘Is it okay if we start the interview?’ Jay asked tentatively before gently holding out the microphone between the two of them once Sunghoon had nodded. He'd always taken it as a given that interviews started the moment he was within earshot of microphones or the second he was close enough for a camera to zoom in on him, knowing that more than a few skaters had had their images tarnished by something they had done or said when they thought they were in private.

‘Skater Park Sunghoon, well done on your performance today.’ Jay said, briefly glancing at the camera but mostly keeping his gaze fixed on Sunghoon, smiling in an unguarded way that felt too genuine to be an act for the cameras.

‘I… I made a lot of mistakes. It wasn't up to par.’ Sunghoon found himself sucking in a big gasp of air, entirely unsure about how to respond to praise that had become unfamiliar to him. A part of him wanted to bask in it and declare that he felt that he was improving, that he might finally be able to knock down the barrier that had been stopping him so far. However, he knew that there would be few people that would consider him deserving of such compliments and that people never took words seriously if the actions didn't fully match up.

‘There were a lot of beautiful moments. I particularly loved the new combination you debuted today.’ Jay continued, his eyebrows slightly furrowing together in concentration or perhaps confusion. Sunghoon wondered if Jay had perhaps missed a chapter and had somehow not seen or heard anything about his senior performances, which would not be a good measure of the new reporter.

‘Oh… Thank you.’ Sunghoon said, unable to stop the flush that came to his cheeks. He felt a little embarrassed to be praised for something so minor when his overall performance would be under high level of scrutiny but he also felt a little bit of pride. Could this really be the start of his turning point out of his slump? It felt foolish to hope so, but someone else had maybe thought so too. And regardless, Sunghoon was a little bit of a fool anyway.

‘I know you've had a hard past few seasons and I know you won't be pleased with your score out on the ice today but you're heading upwards. There are a lot of Koreans who are supporting you and want you to do well, myself included.’ Jay continued, his tone as once soft and imploring.

‘Thank you.’ Sunghoon gasped, unable to stop tears from welling up in his eyes as he became fully choked up. He'd told himself since the beginning of his professional career not to put so much stock in the public’s opinions of him but inevitably it had become normal for him to receive praise for the smallest of actions to the highest of accolades. When that disappeared from his life suddenly, it had left a gaping, aching hole that he'd never really had the time to account for. Jay patching up even a centimeter of it had made Sunghoon aware of just how big it had been.

Jay's collected demeanor faltered slightly at Sunghoon's unexpected and out of character display of emotion. He frowned slightly before tentatively reaching out and patting Sunghoon gently on the back. All too aware that he was on camera, Sunghoon tried to pull himself together but thankfully, though most reporters would keep digging in hopes that they could pull out more of such click-worthy content, Jay instead quickly wrapped up the interview and turned off his microphone instantly afterwards.

‘You're very kind.’ Sunghoon said quietly after a moment, unsure why he hadn't walked away, or rather ran to the nearest bathroom to let out the rest of the tears that he knew were still left in him.

‘We're the same age I think. And you were better today.’ Jay shrugged, looking a little surprised to be having the conversation and being complimented as such.

‘Still, no one is that nice.’ Sunghoon pressed, knowing that there wasn't a single reporter in the room that would praise a skater when it wasn’t in their best interests to do so.

‘If I’m being honest, my father owns this magazine. Of course, I'm not a public figure like you but anyone who knows of me knows it was a nepotism hire. And I get the unfairness of it all but being a reporter is really my dream and I have worked hard. Our situations are different, but I kind of get what it feels like when you're trying your best but people are discrediting your efforts.’ Jay explained, looking at once a little sheepish but still solid in his beliefs.

It was unreasonable to expect it, but Sunghoon hoped that he could see Jay on the press circuit after each of his competitions until the moment they could both feel secure within their dreams.

Notes:

Whoo the gang is nearly all here! Jungwon will finally arrive next chapter! I haven't figured out exactly how I want to approach it and how many chapters there's left but hopefully we'll know soon!

Hope you enjoyed! Please kudos and comment (and stream Jay's cover on yt!!!!!!)

Chapter 6

Summary:

Finally, Jungwon.

In ways that were surprising even for Sunghoon, his career had finally begun to turn itself around. After debuting his new routine, some of the public had started to recognise the spark that they’d seen in him as a junior competitor. And he had been right that once he had polished and tweaked certain moves, his scores had improved pretty considerably. As the season wore on, Sunghoon found his ranks rising from near enough last to beginning to crack the top ten, then top five. It would be a while before he could seriously think about medal positions internationally and he wasn't so cocky as to think of it as a guaranteed result, but he was genuinely happy with his recent performances. Naturally, public opinion had swung back in his favour but he had quickly decided not to care about it as much. Of course, some nights he found himself endlessly scrolling through posts but whereas before it had been affirming for him, he now knew that the same people who were building him up could as easily start tearing him down. It was perhaps not the most healthy mentality as it didn't allow him to take even small parts of his life for granted, leaving him constantly on edge, but it did bring back a level of competitiveness that spurred him onwards.

He was also incredibly thankful that now that he was over nineteen, his parents had agreed to let him rent an apartment close to the Taereung training centre. Sure, it was a little difficult to balance training and completely taking care of himself, not quite having realised how much had been done for him before. It was also pretty isolating, just spending the entirety of his time at the rink since he’d graduated. He would still meet with Heeseung and Jake on the weekends sometimes, but as the both of them were now at university, it was hard to catch up as often as he wanted to. His parents on the other hand, he barely saw, finding that excuses left his mouth before he even consciously thought of them to avoid seeing them. He carried some guilt, knowing that he wouldn't be where he was without them, but he also found it hard to continue those relationships when he barely felt anything towards them.

Meanwhile, a relationship he was able to keep up with was with Jay. They both seemed to have had positive impressions of each other and after a few more encounters with each other at competitions and practice sessions, they’d begun to contact each other. Of course, it was a mutually beneficial relationship in that it got Jay more regular permits into the centre, as well as exclusive interviews with Sunghoon whenever there was something new to announce, meanwhile Sunghoon reaped the benefits of the additional press content which was a little biased in its portrayal of him.

They tended to meet over coffee in one of the many cafes that were placed around the training centre, given the sheer quantity of athletes and sports that used the facility. Jay was one of the most transparent people that Sunghoon had ever met, so when he met with Jay one day and his lips were pursed like a small bird beak, he knew there was something weighing on the other man's mind.

‘What's up?’ Sunghoon asked nearly immediately after sitting down, knowing that Jay wasn't the best at multitasking and if he was lost in his thoughts there'd be no point even trying to engage in a conversation in the hopes of distracting him.

‘I've got an interview with this new kid and I'm a little unsure how to approach it.’ Jay said with a sigh that made it clear that he was distressed, which was a little unusual as whilst Jay tended to rush around with a nervous energy, it was clear that he had a genuine love for reporting that didn't tend to get him down in any ways that weren't productive.

‘Who is it?’ Sunghoon asked curiously, immediately trying to think of any recent skating scandal and coming up blank.

‘His name is Yang Jungwon. You've heard of him?’ Jay asked, sighing again as if he couldn't help it, though throwing out the question as a given.

‘No, I haven't.’ Sunghoon shook his head, wilting a little as Jay raised an eyebrow in surprise. In recent months, he’d tried his best to avoid sporting news almost entirely, except for when Jay would excitedly send him links to express how proud he was of the narrative of his report or of its engagement. Now and again, he couldn't resist checking in on the figure skating world, but other sports he let himself pass by without any reservations.

‘Well you'll be in the minority. He's making waves in the taekwondo world. He just appeared at the Olympic qualifiers out of nowhere essentially. Ended up knocking the last olympic champion out of the running.’ Jay explained, beginning to speak a little too quickly as was his habit when he was engrossed in a subject.

‘I mean that's just how the cookie crumbles in sport.’ Sunghoon shrugged, unsure what the big deal was. It was a little unusual for a sporting star to be knocked down suddenly, rather than a steady decline in skill lowering their ranks gradually, but it was hardly unheard of.

‘Except people aren't taking it well. The last guy was so loved by everyone. He was so nice, I met him once and he was truly really sweet. So people are taking his defeat kind of personally. And the new guy seems a bit too big for his boots.’ Jay frowned as he spoke, clearly empathising greatly with the situation despite his usual logical stance on matters like these.

‘That doesn't seem fair.’ Sunghoon said, unable to stop himself from getting a little worked up. He would never understand where morality came into sports, outside of fairplay and the rules of the game. Surely everyone wanted the best person for the job to represent their country, yet time and time again athletes were subject to a level of scrutiny and character assassination that only seemed relevant – though not justified – for celebrities who were being marketed on the basis of their personalities.

‘Is it ever?’ Jay sighed, running a hand through his previously expertly styled hair with a level of force that conveyed his stress levels. It was no secret between them that Jay often felt like he was in between a rock and a hard place when it came to his job. He wanted to always maintain his integrity as a reporter, but as the son of the boss, any dips in readership or questioning of the magazine's stance would end up reflecting wholly on him. He didn’t want to be responsible for anyone losing their job or becoming unduly stressed out, but he also knew that the news that sold the most easily wasn't the type of content that he wanted to sign off on. To Sunghoon it seemed like an impossible situation and he couldn't blame Jay for whatever choice he made, but it was clear to Sunghoon what the right decision would be.

‘No… But you can at least be kind to him, like you were with me.’ Sunghoon suggested with a small smile. Jay's interview with him had gone pretty viral at the time of its release, and had been in part responsible for the public turn-around in their view of him. At the sight of Sunghoon's budding tears and surprise at being praised, people began to question whether they'd been too harsh on him. Sunghoon wasn't sure why they needed such a tragic catalyst to prompt such a change in mentality, but he was thankful for the switch either way.

‘Of course, of course. I just hope he doesn't live up to his reputation.’ Jay muttered with slightly widened eyes, evidently a little overwhelmed by the conflicting perspectives he needed to juggle.

Sunghoon knew that he shouldn't have let that conversation bother him given that he had so many more important things that should have been weighing on his mind. He had practices to review, stretches to complete, some cardio to get done so he could stay on the top of his game. He knew that giving brain space to anything else had the capacity to throw him off but he couldn't help himself from searching up the name Yang Jungwon, finding himself shocked to see the abundance of results that came up for someone who was allegedly almost entirely unknown mere months earlier. It shouldn't have been surprising considering that he'd had a similar burst onto the sporting scene, however while he had been received generously, Sunghoon scrolled for minutes and could barely see a single positive word about the athlete.

Curious, Sunghoon clicked on the latest news release which was an interview with Kim Siwoo, the previous taekwondo olympic medalist.

‘Naturally, there are always winners and losers in sport, and it's anyone’s game to win. It would be foolish to complain about that.’ The older man said, with an air of knowledge and confidence that ought to have been reassuring, but Sunghoon felt the hairs on the back of his neck begin to stand up as he watched the man's expression harden.

‘However, I believe sport is nothing without integrity. I've always tried to show the utmost respect and reverence to seniors within my field. Other athletes ought to learn one or two things from that.’ Kim Siwoo continued, directing his gaze away from the interviewer and towards the camera as he laid down the final bomb just as it was about to explode. The man's expression and tone didn't betray any hostility or bitterness, but to Sunghoon it felt like it was overflowing out of him. How could he claim to care about respect when he was knowingly fueling the fire of hatred towards another athlete? Of course, within skating too there were athletes who burst onto the scene believing that they were better and deserved better than others, at times outwardly praying for others’ downfalls. Inevitably, it was grating and uncomfortable but in the end the only thing that truly mattered was the performance and the final result and it seemed idiotic to hope for otherwise.

Sunghoon scrolled to the comments on the video, though it wasn't truly necessary as he could have predicted every single one of them. Of course, every person framed the ‘other player’ as Yang Jungwon before cursing every aspect of his being from his looks, to his skills and his behaviour, speculating about things that the public should and would never know about. Trying to think objectively, Sunghoon wondered just how bad the boy's behaviour had to be to warrant such a reaction. However, Sunghoon doubted whether the guy's actions could ever deserve such a backlash. Plus, Sunghoon couldn't deny that Jungwon looked a little… cute in any pictures or video clips he came across. His eyes were absurdly cat-like, and though he was likely to be incredibly strong on account of his sport, he looked kind of small in an endearing way. Perhaps that skewed his perception, but as he watched, he couldn't see anything in the boy's behaviour beyond confidence. He clearly lacked a bit of media training and so at times spoke a little too harshly or too honestly, but he couldn't see any arrogance or cruelty like the people in the comments seemed to think was evident.

Shaking his head in an effort to dispel unproductive thoughts (like would their height difference in person be as big as it seemed in his head, and what would his name sound like coming from Jungwon's mouth), Sunghoon found himself acting before he could think too deeply about the consequences. Pulling up his personal instagram, he typed on a basic black background with haste before posting it. Locking his phone with the satisfying feeling of having done something, Sunghoon rested his eyes for a moment and allowed a feeling of calm to wash over him after having been worked up over the Jungwon issue for a good half an hour or so. It was only after a few minutes that what he'd posted really sank in. Snapping his eyes open, he immediately clicked back onto his own story.

‘since when did respect and reverence qualify you for the olympics…?’

It hardly took a genius to put two and two together and figure out what he was referring to since he hadn't even been discreet enough to paraphrase Siwoo. With a growing sense of panic, Sunghoon searched his name across multiple social media platforms and wasn't surprised to already see commentary on the issue growing. Supporters of Kim Siwoo were already starting to drag his name through the dirt, whilst his own fans and people who seemed to have no affiliation either way seemed to be considering his words more generally. It certainly hadn't been a smart decision to make and he knew that reporters would be typing away at their keyboards as he scrolled. He probably should have at least given Jay a heads up but that would have meant that he'd had second thoughts about the whole thing, when he’d barely even had a thought, simply just acting on his instincts.

After screaming into his pillow for a few seconds to get out some of the frustration he had with himself for making reckless decisions so casually, he decided that there was only one thing he could do that would make himself feel productive. Grabbing his bag that was always packed and ready to go, he headed down to the rink. He hadn't really cared too much about what kind of apartment he'd live in, only that it was around a twenty to thirty minute walk to the rink, meaning that he could get in some of his warm-ups just on the way there, knowing that when he was in a bad mood he had the tendency to skip out on warming up.

As he arrived at the centre, he moved briskly like always. He was never one to dawdle and he generally wanted to avoid small talk with the abundance of extraverted athletes who seemed to always want to be talking about themselves. His strategy of head down and occasionally cap on usually worked pretty well at allowing him to pass by unnoticed, but not that day.

‘Excuse me. Excuse me! Park Sunghoon!’ Sunghoon heard a strangely familiar voice yell out increasingly louder.

Sunghoon was immediately on edge. It was unusual, but occasionally a fan or a reporter managed to sneak into the centre without the appropriate permissions. Spinning on his heel, Sunghoon immediately went on the defensive, narrowing his eyes and crossing his arms.

‘Can I help- Oh. Hi. It's Jungwon, right?’ Sunghoon almost gasped out when his brain caught up with what his eyes were seeing. Before him stood the athlete that he'd suddenly become very familiar with. Dressed in a bright orange hoodie that made him impossible to not notice, he looked up (and it truly was up – he was as short as Sunghoon had thought) at Sunghoon cautiously while Sunghoon uncrossed his arms.

‘Yeah. I saw what you posted. I wanted to thank you personally for saying that.’ Jungwon said with a small smile that didn't quite go up to his feline eyes.

‘It was just my thoughts on the situation.’ Sunghoon replied dismissively, feeling shy under the other boy's gaze. He wondered if it was even an action worth thanking someone for, given that it was something he'd done without any thought for how it could affect Jungwon himself as it could have as easily been received negatively as it did positively.

‘Maybe so, but before you said anything, no one else seemed to see it that way.’ Jungwon said, trailing off a little as he spoke. Looking at him a little more closely, Sunghoon could see that Jungwon looked tired, dark circles surrounding his puffy eyes as he wondered how much the negativity had affected him, despite him not seeming majorly impacted on the surface or in the blunt words he used in interviews about the situation.

‘I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I get it, I really do. It's tough.’ Sunghoon said, feeling that familiar conflict of wanting to not care at all about the way people spoke about him and the people around him, and wondering why the world had to be this way when it was so cruel and destructive.

‘Thank you again, really, it means a lot to me.’ Jungwon repeated, bowing slightly before turning to leave.

Sunghoon stood on the spot for a moment, trying to ease the uncomfortable feeling that buzzed around his body. It wasn't often that he felt a need to nurture connections with other people, knowing of only five exceptions to that general rule, but strangely he felt something akin to a pull towards Jungwon that he knew he ought to fight back against but truly only wanted to indulge.

‘Wait, Jungwon. Are you busy right now?’ Sunghoon almost shouted, rushing to catch up to Jungwon before he escaped into the training centre which was like a rabbit warren even when trying to find a large room, never mind attempting to find a small person.

‘Oh… I have practice.’ Jungwon blinked up at him, his face frustratingly blank aside from the slight scrunch of his eyebrows which suggested he was feeling at least a little confused.

Sunghoon internally sighed a little, a creeping feeling of wanting to give up washing over him. However, it was then that he felt a wall come up within him, stopping that desire from taking over.

‘How-How long for?’ He asked nervously, feeling immediately like he was being too forward and too pushy and that he was for sure going to be rejected, though from what he wasn't even sure. He tried to compare this feeling of want with what he'd experienced before, whether he'd ever felt this desperate when it came to Sunoo, but he drew a blank, the years between his previous ‘relationship’ and now causing all the details to blur together. It was superficial of course, based only on what he saw before him and what he'd seen online, which he knew could be anything from slightly filtered to entirely false, but he wanted to get to know Jungwon and he didn't want to deny himself of that.

‘Only an hour now. I had a big session this morning.’ Jungwon answered, his head tilting to the side slightly as his tone raised at the end of his sentence as if he was asking a question.

‘Would you want to get some food after? O-Only if you want to, no pressure.’ Sunghoon said, the first question rushing out of him quickly, while the next sentence came out in starts and stops of uncertainty. He wanted to come across as nonchalant and unbothered, like it was no big deal but he could feel his cheeks and ears burning under Jungwon's attention.

‘Oh! Yes! I mean, sure yeah that sounds nice.’ Jungwon exclaimed, his already round eyes widening further.

Sunghoon was so off his game in the forty minute practice session he allowed himself before freshening up again. Perhaps he shouldn't have even bothered, but he was there and he definitely needed a distraction before he mentally scripted an impossible conversation with Jungwon that he'd never be able to bring into reality. He knew he should have run through his routine a few times, but his mind was elsewhere. Why had he suggested food when he had no ideas about where they should eat? And what if Jungwon had only agreed because he felt like he had to? Sunghoon was a household name with a good reputation, and he'd defended him publicly. Surely most people would feel a little obligated to show their thanks in that situation. But Sunghoon didn't want that at all, and was thinking that he'd gone about the whole thing the wrong way, especially asking directly after Jungwon had thanked him. So, he ended up just racing around the rink as quickly as he could, occasionally adding in a low risk movement that had no chance of causing him any injuries, his eyes always rushing back to the clock as if he time would slip past him so much faster than usual, when in reality each minute felt like five.

A few minutes before they were due to meet, Sunghoon found himself entering the taekwondo studio suite of the training centre, a place that he'd never had any reason to go to before. The room was decked out in medals and Korean flags but the only thing Sunghoon noticed was the oppressive heat that lingered in the damp air. Of course, after a long training session, Sunghoon was also hot and sweaty but given that he was on the ice, he never really felt the full effect of it. But in such a small studio, the heat felt inescapable. Slowly observing the room, Sunghoon's eyes finally landed on a figure in the corner of the room, his eyes locked onto a mirror as he practiced kicks that went higher than Sunghoon thought was physically possible. The narrow, sharp look in the boy's eyes was almost irreconcilable with the soft, round look he'd seen before but there was no doubt that this was Jungwon in his element.

Sunghoon continued to watch for a moment, enamoured by the skilled movements of the other athlete. The motion in of itself looked effortless but Sunghoon could see from the way Jungwon analysed each motion, making nano-correctly to each repetition that these were skills that had been mastered through force of will and not some innate inner talent. Feeling a little awkward watching whilst his presence was unknown, Sunghoon cleared his throat gently.

Jungwon froze mid kick at the sound of the noise, his eyes finally focusing on Sunghoon in the mirror’s reflection. All the grace and speed that he'd observed mere moments ago disappeared as Jungwon quickly dropped his foot to the floor a little too forcefully and pivoted towards Sunghoon, tucking his arms behind his back. Perhaps it was just the heat of the room and the intensity of his workout, but Sunghoon suspected that he could see a further flush on the athlete's cheeks.

‘Oh my goodness, has it been an hour already? I'm so sorry, I completely lost track of time.’ Jungwon exclaimed, pulling at his t-shirt which had hiked up and clung to his torso amidst his exercise.

‘It's okay, take your time. I can hang out here for a while.’ Sunghoon reassured, truthfully pleased that he'd come at the time he did as it had awarded him a glimpse into Jungwon as an athlete, which was a concept he struggled to connect with the other boy's image until that moment.

‘No, no. I'll be back quickly! J-just stay there!’ Jungwon stuttered, grabbing a towel and roughly dragging it around his neck before rushing out of the practice studio and into what Sunghoon assumed to be a changing room.

For a moment, Sunghoon honoured Jungwon's wishes and stayed put on a seat in the corner. However, he quickly became bored and curious about the environments that other athletes train in. In particular, his eye was caught by a huge display board where he could see newspaper cut-outs and article print-outs. He let his eye run across the huge board, seeing pages tinged brown with age but also the glossy sheen of new magazines. After a while, he noticed that he couldn't see Jungwon's name anywhere. Glancing at the additions that looked the newest, he saw that some were as recent as a few days ago, meaning that there was no real reason as to why Jungwon's name wasn't included amongst the accolades and shoutouts he could see before him.

‘I put a few things up there when I first started training here after the qualifiers. I guess other people took them down.’ It was Sunghoon's turn to be surprised as he jumped at the sound of Jungwon's voice as his quiet footsteps hadn't announced that he had re-entered the room. Jungwon stood alongside Sunghoon, his eyes focused on the board with somewhat of a defeated look in them, like he'd accepted his fate.

‘Pathetic.’ Sunghoon spat, barely above a whisper, suddenly filled with an unfamiliar anger. He'd felt this way before, back when he'd first started receiving negativity, but it had been a while since then. He'd watched from afar while countless other people had experienced the same thing, yet it hadn't sparked anything inside of him like it did now.

‘Oh… I…’ Jungwon said quietly, the corner of his mouth scrunching down. Sunghoon looked towards the other boy and even knowing little about him, it was clear to Sunghoon that he was sad, terribly so, in a way he hadn't seemed before. Sunghoon paused for a moment, confused as to why Jungwon had suddenly changed. Then with a rush of panic, he realised that Jungwon must have thought he was calling him pathetic.

‘No, not you. Of course, not you. Perhaps you saw that I went through a rough patch in my career a year ago. At that time it felt like things were sometimes out of my control but it was certainly never the fault of another athlete. I don't understand how anyone can think that way. And it's not like you're not doing well, you're performing to a really high level.’ Sunghoon rushed to say, his hand immediately reaching to Jungwon's shoulder so that he could clear the misunderstanding as soon as possible.

‘Oh… You've watched me before?’ Jungwon said, pausing for a moment as his expression returned to neutral. Then, he turned so that he was no longer stood next to Sunghoon but was rather facing him, a small pleased smile sprouting on his face.

‘R-Recently, I watched some of your competitions. You are good.’ Sunghoon found himself stuttering, mentally tripping over his feet as his heart skipped momentarily. Jungwon hadn't done anything, not really, besides look up at him with his eyes glinting with a sprinkle of mischief and yet Sunghoon felt a little untethered.

Though he couldn’t remember his past clearly, he had no doubt that he hadn't felt this way before. A crush (or something a little less juvenile sounding); he didn't think he could deny that was what he was experiencing. Jungwon was pretty and strong and, from what he could tell, kind and friendly. In the past he would have stopped himself in fear of what other people would have to say about it if anything happened to develop, but found that now he didn't really care at all. It was sudden and undeveloped and probably wouldn't go anywhere, and he didn't even know if Jungwon could tolerate him nevermind like him, but a newfound feeling of hope started to kindle in his chest.

‘Well it's not a secret that you're good. But personally, I've always thought you were the most handsome skater. Food?’ Jungwon said, his smile broadening as he watched Sunghoon's draw drop slightly as if he was gasping for air. Jungwon asked so nonchalantly, pulling his bag over his shoulder and beginning to walk out, not needing to look back to check if the other was following.

Notes:

oh my god he's finally here! I think I'll do one or two more chapter's after this and then it'll be done! I already have the plan ready for a Jaywon fic I'm really excited about (good boy popstar Jungwon fake dating rockstar Jay - inspired by Jay's Always cover ofc).

Please kudos and comment! Thank you if you've been reading for the sungwon tags, I'm sorry it took so long to get here!

Also today was d1 of coachella and as someone who voted during i-land and has been with the boys since, I'm so incredibly proud of them in every way. I'm so amazed by the artists and people they've become. They truly killed it!

Chapter 7

Summary:

The Olympics.

Tapping the blade of his boots to ensure everything was perfect, Sunghoon got himself into position for the opening of his routine. He'd ended up being last in the running order and he had to admit that it was getting to him. He'd watched all the other performances and had seen the mistakes people had made before him; botched jumps, incomplete turns, spacing errors, he'd seen it all. Naturally, it was hard to push the idea that it could happen to him too out of his head. He knew the score he had to beat. It was higher than he'd expected from his closest competitor (Japan's number one skater, who Ni-ki was in a one-sided battle with to try to match), but it wasn't impossible knowing that he'd pulled out equivalent scores in practice and domestic competitions. Certainly, he'd been last up before and it had both benefited him by spurring him on and hindered him by increasing the pressure too much. But this was the Olympics and the stress of living up to expectations and of achieving the goal he'd been working towards since he was a kid weighed heavily on him.

The last year of training had made all of the difference when it came to his progression of skills and his score improvement. He was breaking his personal bests with each and every competition with very few dips. The medal positions which had once seemed like a dizzy height that he could never hope to reach again were now firmly within his grasps. He wasn't cocky enough to presume that a medal was guaranteed considering that anything could happen in sports, especially one as technical and precarious as skating. However, it seemed like something that he was more than capable of. And that day, he just felt that he could do it. He was nervous, as anyone would be, and he'd kept to himself as opposed to bringing his support system around him so that he could keep within a focused headspace. He felt a little guilty pushing away the people who wanted to be there for him, but he didn't want anything to knock him off his game and they fortunately understood that.

And with that mentality he began his routine as the sound of his music track filled the room. It felt as if the rhythm was running through his veins and his body had no choice but to react to it. In the past, he would complete the routine but now it was if he was feeling every moment of it. Sometimes, when the pressure became oppressive, and especially during his slump, he'd lock into muscle memory and he'd finish his set without retaining a single memory or thought of it. It wasn't ideal, and his performance usually ended up being a little emotionless and blank, but it was more reliable than leaning too heavily into emotions which could easily knock him off his game.

However, this time Sunghoon stepped back off the ice remembering every jump, twist, and motion. He could recall where he'd added a slight flourish where he wouldn't normally, where he'd pushed himself just a little bit further, or gone a little faster than before. Regardless of the result, Sunghoon felt genuinely good about his performance out there on the ice and he knew that he could rest easily knowing that he didn't have any regrets about it. He barely had time to allow a smile to grow on his face before a body came colliding into his, so close to knocking him over.

‘That was perfect! That was amazing! You were amazing!’ The man yelled into Sunghoon's eardrum, his arms wrapped so tightly around Sunghoon that he struggled to catch his breath.

‘Thanks. It felt right.’ Sunghoon sighed, allowing himself to relax into the other man's hold, his arms looping around his neck, feeling any leftover tension oozing out of him.

Jungwon. After their first meeting, they'd ended up hanging around each other constantly for weeks, either surprising each other by waiting for their practice to finish or by planning to eat or go to the gym together whenever they could. Then, Jungwon flew abroad for an international competition. Perhaps it was due to the scars of his social past, but Sunghoon hadn't expected for Jungwon to want to hear from him when it wasn't convenient for him. Jungwon was new to the training centre and all the athletes in his field held a grudge towards him, of course he'd latch on to whoever was nearby and willing. So, Sunghoon silently kept up with Jungwon's competition, secretly hoping for the other to reach out first even though there was nothing stopping him from doing so. When he didn't, Sunghoon tried to assure himself that it was expected and okay, though his chest squeezed tightly whenever the other man came into his mind.

A few days later, as he exited the rink Sunghoon was met by a sulky Jungwon who had kicked the floor flippantly in frustration, upset that Sunghoon hadn't done more than like Jungwon's celebratory instagram post.

‘You're the worst boyfriend ever.’ Jungwon pouted, not noticing how Sunghoon looked like a fish out of water, desperately trying to get life back into its lungs.

Jake had tripped over his own feet when Sunghoon announced that he had accidentally acquired a boyfriend, and had promptly choked on his own saliva when Sunghoon had uncharacteristically exclaimed how happy he was. They'd been together ever since and for the majority of the time publically so. They'd never announced anything and kept things to themselves when it came to social media, but it only took them a few visits to each other's competitions to stoke the flames of speculation in the media. In the end, the guessing had become a little irritating, and Sunghoon had realised that he didn't really care what other people had to say about it, boldly holding onto Jungwon's hand as they exited a venue one day.

Of course, it initially grabbed a lot of attention as both of their names were widely known within the sporting world and Korea generally. Mostly, people were surprised as both of their sexualities had been entirely unknown. Fortunately, though there was some negativity, neither of them cared too much about it, too busy training and being together to allow it to become distracting. Sunghoon still felt a little bit of nagging guilt in his chest when he realised how he'd denied Sunoo of the same thing, even though he knew the other athlete had been dating someone else for years now.

It wasn't always possible, but their alternate seasons allowed them to be there for each other for a lot of their competitions. Sunghoon had grown accustomed to looking out into the stands and spotting a smiley face looking back at him, or being pulled into a hug the second he came off the ice. Sunghoon would never say it as he would never want to make Jungwon feel guilty for training or competing, but even if he won, he found it hard to be fully happy if Jungwon wasn’t there cheering for him.

Taking Jungwon's hand, he allowed himself to be pulled back to his seat, knowing that Jungwon could only take him that far as he’d need to be filmed beside his coach, reaching to his score. Squeezing his hand tightly and smiling blindingly up at him, Jungwon returned to his seat nearby as the flashes of cameras went off around them. He knew his friends (aside from Ni-ki who had performed earlier in the day and received his personal best score) would be waiting alongside Jungwon, each as nervous as each other. His parents weren't there, though he knew they would have wanted to be so they could steal the glory, but Jungwon's were. It had only taken a few meetings with Jungwon's family to see how close and kind they were and for Sunghoon to realise that his relationship with his parents wasn't something that was healthy for him to continue with. Cutting them off was one of his most bold and beneficial decisions, though one that plagued him with guilt ever since. Thankfully, each lapse in faith in his decision was supported by everyone else around him and he remained firm in his choice.

He'd ended up sticking with the coach he'd landed when he was at the lowest point of his career. He'd learned more English, and Coach Lewis had learned more Korean and they'd been able to communicate well enough. His coach didn't put too much pressure on him like his previous ones had, and he didn't have the fear that any affection shown to him would disappear if his rankings dropped. Coach Lewis clapped him on the back as he sat down, just as his scores were beginning to be announced. Sunghoon clutched a penguin plushie that Heeseung had gifted to him as a joke a few years ago tightly as his name was called out. He barely had time to read it before he heard cheers erupt from nearby. It wasn't his personal best score, but it was the highest in the competition.

He'd just won Olympic gold.

While he'd been fully locked into his routine, he remembered very little of what happened between the announcement and the majority of the press interviews he was herded through. He felt numb in shock, entirely uncertain with what answers he was giving and how he was presenting himself. It was only when he hit his final interview with Jay that his body allowed him to feel some of the emotions that were fizzing under his skin.

Jay ignored all protocols and demands for professionalism as he captured Sunghoon into a tight hug, practically yelling congratulations in his ear in his excitement. Unconsciously, he thought back to when he’d first met Jay. He'd been at the lowest point in his career and uncertain whether he'd ever see the light again, whilst Jay was stuck in a conflicting position as a privileged rookie within his company. Now Sunghoon was standing there as an Olympian whilst Jay had taken over his father's company, with the credentials to prove that he truly was the best man for his job regardless of his background. When he thought about both of their growth, he couldn't stop the tears from welling up in his eyes, though he tried to push them down so he could make it through the interview with at least some dignity.

‘I'm really proud of you.’ Jungwon said as they lay side by side in bed that evening, his bright eyes shining in the glow of the bedside lamp. Sunghoon smiled without thinking, feeling a warm sensation spread across his body; his happiness and joy physically manifesting itself.

‘What is it?’ Sunghoon asked, observing Jungwon closely and seeing that his smile had dimmed whilst his eyebrows drew together slightly. It might have been hard to notice for others, but Sunghoon knew Jungwon's expressions like the back of his own hand.

‘I just wish I could have been there when you were having a hard time.’ Jungwon sighed, his fingers trailing absentminded circles on Sunghoon's back. Sunghoon felt a surge of affection swell up within him. Jungwon was extremely practical, like Sunghoon, so it was rare for them to become overly sentimental or linger on emotional issues, so Sunghoon was surprised to find that Jungwon considered his past so deeply.

‘It's okay. I wasn't alone. We met at the right time.’ Sunghoon assured, completely believing in his own words. Of course, there were times where he'd felt alone and isolated and would have been so uplifted by a presence like Jungwon's. However, if they'd met even months earlier, Sunghoon didn't think he would have been ready for their relationship to begin. If it had been during his slump, he would have told himself that it was irresponsible to allow himself to be distracted. If it had been during his youth, he would have been too insecure to permit himself to have a relationship that could truly flourish. Though he treasured every moment with Jungwon, he knew that if he’d met him even slightly earlier, he wouldn't have what he had then.

2 years later

‘You've got this. I know you do.’ Sunghoon assured, smoothing Jungwon's hair in a way that Jungwon complained was like petting a cat. He tried to come off as fully confident and relaxed, but he always felt more nervous watching Jungwon compete than when he was competing himself. He felt entirely out of control and while he knew Jungwon would take winning or losing like a pro, Sunghoon found it hard to watch someone he loved not get what they wanted, and he was sure Jungwon felt the same about him. Knowing that it wasn't just any competition but rather the olympics just intensified his feelings infinitely.

‘I just… Agh.’ Jungwon sighed, a frustrated tone escaping from him. Jungwon was usually unflappable, taking even the most difficult of situations in his stride and pushing through seemingly unaffected, even if later he admitted how hard it had been.

‘What is it? What's wrong?’ Sunghoon asked quickly, trying to squash down any nerves he now felt as he knew Jungwon would pick up on it, but he couldn't help but be concerned.

When he'd first started going to Jungwon's competitions, he'd been entirely caught off guard by Jungwon's winning mindset. No matter if he was in the peak of his fitness or sporting a considerable injury, Jungwon always said that he was going to win. At that time, more often than not that wasn't true. Sunghoon had wondered whether Jungwon had unrealistic expectations having gone from local competitions to the global stage in one large stride but Jungwon had later confided in him that he'd discovered earlier on that if he approached the competition with extreme confidence rather than realism, he always felt calmer, even if he knew it was only a mind trick. Sunghoon had grown accustomed to that mindset and there had only been one or two instances where Jungwon hadn't maintained it, so to see it disappear mere hours before Jungwon's Olympic debut was unnerving.

‘I don't think it's my time, you know?’ Jungwon said quietly, lowering his head so he didn't meet Sunghoon's eyes, despite how Sunghoon had stooped to meet Jungwon's gaze more easily.

‘Hey, you've worked hard and who else is even coming close to you these days?’ Sunghoon said, playfully poking Jungwon's side, hoping to bolster the confidence he was used to seeing.

‘I know that. But I don't think it's going to happen for me today. I just feel it.’ Jungwon continued, playing with Sunghoon's fingers the way he always did when he was nervous about something.

‘Okay. There's other competitions. There'll be other olympics. If it's not today, it can be another one.’ Sunghoon said, sensing that he wouldn’t be able to draw Jungwon out of his current headspace but still wanting to reassure him in some way. Still, he felt his stomach seize up, fearful of the outcome of the competition and hoping desperately that it wouldn’t send Jungwon spiraling, as was possible with any athlete at the peak of their career.

‘I'm… I promise you I'm not jealous and I would never be resentful of your success. It’s just that I wanted the happy ending where we both win.’ Jungwon stated, finally looking up at Sunghoon, a guilty expression forming on his face.

‘We're athletes. It’s completely natural to feel that way and I know I would be the same way. But there's no ending here. The competition isn't over and we certainly are not.’ Sunghoon replied honestly, knowing that if their competitions were reversed that he'd be in the exact same boat. He'd caught Jungwon a few times running his fingers over his gold medal and knew that the other was fantasising about one day having his own to put beside it. It was partially why Sunghoon couldn't imagine ever being in a relationship with anyone who wasn't also an athlete. Would they ever understand that level of competitiveness and greed that was just a normal part of everyday life? Plus, though it was still relatively early days, Sunghoon couldn't imagine being with anyone else but Jungwon.

Truthfully, Sunghoon hated watching Jungwon's competitions. He knew Jungwon felt the same way, but at least he needed to only watch Sunghoon once, though the tension surrounding scores was constant. With Jungwon, Sunghoon had to be nervous about so many matches, having to hope and pray that Jungwon would proceed to the next round but knowing that there was every chance that his progression could be cut off. He'd already made it through countless face-offs when it finally got to round prior to the final. Jungwon just needed to beat the Chinese athlete before him and then he could advance into the final, and then a medal would be guaranteed. If not, it would come down to one final round, where the winner would land bronze and the other would go home empty handed.

Sunghoon knew what it looked like when Jungwon was locked in and just about undefeatable and the Jungwon he saw on the big screen was a far cry from that. His eyes lacked their usual sharpness and his body was devoid of the hint of tension he carried when he was decisive and brutal. Though he clutched at Jake's hand like a lifeline, part of Sunghoon knew that Jungwon was going to lose that round. Heeseung patted him on the back as his suspicions were announced over the loudspeaker and Sunghoon was hard-pressed to keep his lunch down at the thought of having to endure the interval while they waited to see who was the loser from the other round who would play off against Jungwon.

The rest of the competition passed him by like his head was underwater. He couldn't really process anything. Jake and Heeseung had long given up trying to talk to him, hearing only one or two word answers that usually didn’t answer their questions. He'd listened to Jungwon ramble enough and had watched enough competitions that he was fully familiar with the rules of the sport yet now it barely made any sense to him. Hearing his heart pounding in his eardrum, he had to consciously remind himself to breathe when it was finally time for Jungwon to head back out onto the floor.

Sunghoon could barely watch as the game began, feeling each kick like it was to his own body. He'd long given up trying to keep up with the scores and gameplay as his head swum, dizziness quickly taking over him. His heart was in his mouth as he finally regained control of himself only to hear the other Australian player announced as the winner of the heat. And just like that, Jungwon was cut off from the race to a medal. Sunghoon collapsed onto his knees, feeling the defeat as if it was his own, knowing how much Jungwon had fought to keep himself competing despite the ostracisation he still faced within his sport, despite beating out his domestic competitors time and time again. He felt gutted, like someone had scraped him out from the inside, yet he knew that what he was feeling was only a fraction of what Jungwon must have been feeling.

Sunghoon almost wanted to avoid his boyfriend, knowing that the brave face he put on would hurt more than if he broke down in front of him. But of course, he knew that he would and could never do that when Jungwon needed his support and company.

‘I'm okay, really.’ Jungwon smiled lightly as he saw Sunghoon approach. He wasn’t pretending in the way Sunghoon had expected, a sadness bleeding out of him in a way that seemed uncontrollable.

‘It's fine if you're not.’ Sunghoon assured, pulling Jungwon tightly to him, happy to shield him from the rest of the world for as long as he was needed. He knew they wouldn't have long before their friends and Jungwon's family would sweep in, ready to dole out the congratulatory messages and commiserations, so he treasured their moment alone, knowing that the slight sadness Jungwon showed was more vulnerability than he was willing to show to others.

‘No, really. As soon as the final whistle blew, I'd made my peace with it. I'd expected it. Like you said, there'll be other times.’ Jungwon continued, firm in his maturity. Despite his words, it was clear to see that even if he'd accepted it, Jungwon was still naturally, humanly upset. Sunghoon suspected that it would take a little while longer for Jungwon to truly come to terms with the disappointment and for him to grieve the loss of the achievement, but Sunghoon felt prepared to manage that, knowing all the small things he could do to help Jungwon through it.

‘And I'll be here when you win.’ Sunghoon said in full confidence, knowing for certain in his heart that there would come a day when Jungwon received the awards he deserved.

In spite of the bitterness of the occasion, Sunghoon couldn't help but think back on his own situation. He couldn't have imagined that things would have turned out this way when he was a scared kid ditching his ice hockey classes to give figure skating a try. That kid had no real concept of friendship and certainly not of love. Yet now he was surrounded by people he loved and who loved him back. He'd been through rough patches in his career for sure, but he'd do it again if it meant that he’d still be where he was. And because of it, he felt sure that he could help Jungwon get through to the other side of it too.

Notes:

She's done at last! Sorry for the bittersweet ending but it just felt right for the story?

I'd love to hear your thoughts if you stuck around to the end. Thank you for reading!

I'll be back (I hope!) in the future with a jaywon fake dating fic so keep an eye out for more from me!

Notes:

Yay! I'm back! Thank you for reading the first chapter. I was too excited to share this with the world so I don't know when I'll update again as nothing is prepared yet.

Notes: Romance in this fic will be very very eventual as I plan on introducing all characters and focusing on Sunghoon's personal progression before Jungwon comes into the picture. I hope you'll stick around if that's what you're really here for!

Please leave some kudos and comment your thoughts!