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Your absence has gone through me like a thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its colour.
Separation— W.S Merwin.
There’s a theory that says you do not exist until another person perceives you—seen, known and loved. With your figure reflected back in their deep irises and you’re remembered in every act they do that involves you. Beomgyu knows it’s total bullshit because he exists when he’s alone. He exists even without anyone existing in tandem with him but it carries some part of truth. He doesn’t feel like he exists when he stares at the ceiling of a room that’s not his with a gaping hollowness in his chest. An absence so big it threatens to swallow the wholeness of his existence in its bottomless abyss.
In a split moment, he decides to act on his impulse. Although it’s not an impulse when it’s a haunting, incessant thought. He carries his limbs around, heavy with fatigue and gets himself dressed, snatching the car keys and the bag he packed earlier to not hesitate at the last minute. He locks the door after he emerges from it, descends the stairs and stares at the fireflies hovering over the street lamplight as if they’re recharging their light by flocking close to another light.
Beomgyu gets in his car and prepositions the phone holder to support his phone better because he knows he’ll be making a phone call on the way there, just when he’s close enough for it to be a surprise but still give Soobin enough time to get ready.
It’s not the first time he’s gone to Ansan, he’s been before, with Soobin by his side on the bus. He’d taken the bus instead of the plane to his house - even though it’s an inconvenience - so that he could stay with Soobin for longer before they’d have to depart on their separate ways to their homes. Soobin’s itinerary was much shorter and Beomgyu had to board a train.
This time he’s driving there with his brand new license, in his vintage red miata and with a similar aim in mind. Always to see Soobin, to miss him less— if that’s even possible. As if he doesn’t miss him with him by his side, with his voice on the other line on the phone, with his touch on his soft flesh. He feels like a sponge that could never get sodden.
The time on the car’s screen reads 1:08 am when he rotates the keys and the ignition roars to life. He doesn’t usually drive this late at night. (He doesn’t often drive aside from running small errands around the block or this one time they’d filmed the comeback’s music video) So it’s his first time driving somewhere outside of Seoul and he’s a bit tense about it.
But when he rolls down the windows and breathes in the cool air it works to calm his nerves down a bit, channelling it into the excitement he’s feeling for being able to see Soobin again for the first time in over three weeks since he’s left the dorms. Since he’s left Beomgyu without his company after schedules, the only time where they’d get to diffuse and take a breather, sitting quietly in their shared solace each doing their own thing.
In conclusion, Beomgyu misses Soobin, he misses him so much that eating without him isn’t the same. Coming back home to his absence leaves him with a lodge in his throat, even sleeping in his own bed is hard to do so he’d resorted to sleeping in Soobin’s bed. And yet, and yet— it’s not enough. It’s not enough to hear his voice on the call at the end of each day and receive sporadic updates about his life in the form of texts. He’s over his unjustifiable anger at Soobin for leaving him behind because it has stewed for long enough to turn into desperation.
That’s why he’s driving at midnight, he’s taking action because he’s tired of the hollowness he feels because of Soobin’s absence. The way it ribbons through everything. He still can’t adjust to not having Soobin by his side. He’s not used to not experiencing their days together and not having Soobin trash talk about everything shitty that they go through with him. He hates how deformed his life feels without Soobin on his horizon, so he’ll drive to see him.
He gets bored five minutes into driving with his thoughts and puts on some music to listen to. He’s not used to multitasking while driving so it’s his softer taste in music, a playlist that Soobin had made for him back when he was preparing for his driver’s license exam.
It’s to encourage you to ace it, I know you will anyway, Soobin had said when he received the link in their chat.
Beomgyu finds his mouth tugging up in a smile when the next song comes on and it's The Way Home by Ha Hyun Sang. He remembers Soobin walking in on him trying to learn the chords for the song and berating him for listening to the playlist before getting the license even though they’ve listened to most of the songs in it together before. He doesn’t know that just the gesture alone counts as an incentive to push Beomgyu to do his best to earn it.
Ten more minutes of listening to music on and off and he’s calling Soobin to let him know that he’s on his way to pick him up for a late night drive. His fingers are shaking when he presses the call button so he steadies them on the wheel with a clutch.
“Hello,” Soobin’s voice echoes in the space of his car when he answers after the second ring. He closed the windows after it got too cold with how fast he was driving, the air pressurising and solidifying his cheeks into a block of ice.
“Hi, Hyung. Guess where I am right now,” Beomgyu says, his voice probably not hiding the smile limning it.
“Ahh,” Soobin lets out a sound of thinking out loud. “Well, the audio quality seems like you’re on speaker. So I’m assuming you’re either in the studio or in your car, but why so late, Beomgyu-ah?”
“Oh, very sharp. I’m driving to you right now. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes according to the navigation so be ready by then.”
Soobin gasps. “You’re driving to Ansan to see me?”
Beomgyu rolls his eyes with the smile still splayed on his face - even without Soobin seeing because he’d drive anywhere to see Soobin. He’d cross oceans and continents and willingly plunge deep into the depth of hell if the result was having him close.
“Yes, Soobin-ah. Don’t overthink it, I’m having fun. I just hope you’re excited to see me.”
Soobin laughs, soulful and like a bird’s song to his ears. “Of course, I am excited to see you, I missed you a lot.”
“Good, because I was getting sick of saying it over the phone I had to do something about it.”
Soobin hums in assent. “So you decided to drive to see me past midnight?”
“I’m hanging up,” Beomgyu jokes, though he really shouldn’t get distracted while driving and Soobin is— incredibly distracting.
Soobin chuckles. “Okay, okay. See you. Drive safely, I want you here in one piece, please.”
Beomgyu’s heart is fuzzy and warm. “Sure, I’ll stay safe,” he says, finger tapping the wheel until the call disconnects.
Going back to playing music doesn’t feel right after hearing Soobin’s voice so he basks in the silence that comes with being alone in a vehicle at night. The only audible sounds are those of the intricate pieces brought together to make him cross distances in a considerably short time. Shorter than the time he’s spent thinking about closing the distance between him and Soobin during the past few weeks.
The road in front of him is considerably empty, not many cars driving this late. He occasionally sees some headlights in his rear view that blind his vision from the intensity so he’s lucky for the emptiness. A car crash would be troublesome, he is a man on a mission of the heart.
A few more minutes and after a few turns, he parks his car with a screech by the curb of the street because he forgot to go slower before parking. His phone ends the route on its own because he’s arrived at his destination. He snatches the phone and starts typing a message instead of calling again.
You 1:42 am
im under ur house
pls tell me ur dressed 😙
Choi Soobin (heart) 1:43 am
That was fast
Come upstairs
I still have to wear my shoes
You 1:43 am
noo
its late i dont wanna disrupt ur family’s sleep
just come down!!!!!
Choi Soobin (heart) 1:45 am
Stubborn
Do u need a scarf
You 1:45 am
what? no
Choi Soobin (heart) 1:46 am
Let me correct
Are u wearing one or not?
You 1:46 am
no..?!😅
Choi Soobin (heart) 1:47 am
Noted.
Soobin’s house door opens and he emerges from it, head whirling around to spot Beomgyu’s car. He’s parked on the other side of the street, because there were no other empty spots but Beomgyu can still see his figure stalking closer to him. His smile widening the closer he gets to making out Beomgyu’s face in the dark.
He puts one hand on the roof of his red miata and ducks his head down to the window to look at Beomgyu. Soobin looks like- himself . He doesn’t know why he had a fear that Soobin would suddenly start looking different the more time they spent apart. Aside from the stubble on his jaw he doesn’t look much different from before. Less eyebags around his eyes maybe—which Beomgyu will inevitably worsen by his outlandish plans.
“She’s a baddie,” Soobin says after perusing the car then darting his eyes back to Beomgyu.
“I know, will you get in now? I don’t wanna have to use force,” Beomgyu jokes, flexing his arm muscles and the joke lands because Soobin laughs at it; belly warm and bright he’d flock closer if he could to bask in the light but the sound is enough to lighten him up.
Soobin opens the door of the passenger seat and faces Beomgyu after fastening the seat belt. “Where are you kidnapping me to? Do I get to know or will you leave your poor victim in the dark?”
Beomgyu can hear the sarcasm in Soobin’s tone and he has unfortunately missed this too. It comes in a package, take all or throw all. Beomgyu would always choose all of Soobin, no matter how grating his sense of humour is sometimes.
He looks at him and smiles, all teeth and sinister. “We’re going to the beach.”
“At night?” Soobin asks, voice pitched higher in surprise.
“Yes, it will be romantic. Plus, no one can spot us this way,” Beomgyu winks at Soobin.
Soobin hums. “What are we gonna do there?”
“Just exist. Together. We can watch the sunrise, maybe.”
“Okay, I’m handling the music,” Soobin says with his hand reaching for the car’s screen but he halts when he notices the name of the playlist, driving with beomgyu <3
He smiles and looks at him. “You listen to it.”
Beomgyu feels his cheeks become warmer. It's not a big deal to listen to a playlist that Soobin made for him and yet— he’s bashful about it because of the meaning. It tells Soobin things without saying them outright. Beomgyu always wears his heart on his sleeves, he doesn’t let his shyness refrain him from showing his love but he still stammers when he doesn’t intend to let it be known.
“Yeah, you knew I would. It's why you made it, didn’t you?”
The air in the car feels like it's not enough for two so he rolls down his window for a freshener. Soobin looks so tempting, stripped naked of all the idol glamour. He looks infuriatingly pretty as just himself too. Dressed in a buffer jacket that’s a bit big on him, his tall figure sinking into it yet not looking any smaller than he is. Infinitesimal even when he’s struggling with feeling small.
Beomgyu wants him to see.
He wishes he could make him see himself through his eyes— to scream at him and tell him that he’s enough. But the most he can do is make him have a good time and selfishly bask in his presence along the way. Hoping his love can aid his troubles.
“You’re right,” Soobin says. “I knew.”
Beomgyu swallows and his hand clutches the wheel again, rotating it — foot hitting the accelerator so that they can get going.
“Daecheon beach?” Soobin asks, eyes looking at the navigation.
Beomgyu hums. “It's the closest one to Ansan.”
“You really planned this whole thing, didn’t you?”
He doesn’t have to look to the side to see Soobin smiling because it’s apparent from his tonality. “Not really, you know I’m not a good planner. You’re the one who planned the Phu Quoc trip.”
Soobin laughs. “You do what needs to be done to get around. You helped with planning the destinations, though. That one bar was your idea and we frequented it a lot.”
Beomgyu hums at the memory and his mouth turns sour. He doesn’t know how Soobin can be so carefree about the Vietnam trip after what they’d done during it. They abandoned their idol status and it was the most care-free they’d ever felt though. But Beomgyu is tired of treating things in polar opposites. He can’t do things in the dark then act oblivious about them in the light. Soobin is good at drawing the line and justifying what they’re doing to himself but Beomgyu doesn’t share the same convictions.
He can’t kiss Soobin at night and act like coworkers at worst and best friends at best the next day. He isn’t okay with leaving things unlabelled when he knows how Soobin feels about him. Neither is he okay with dividing things in clear lines so that’s where his frustration stems from. But he can’t say anything so he finds himself ending up in the same cycle if it means he can have Soobin in any shape or form.
Soobin is the problem and Soobin is the cure. That’s always the case with him.
Soobin doesn’t change the playlist but he hits play again a while after they get going. He keeps humming to the songs and sings the lines he’s memorised along with the vocalist. Beomgyu finds himself smiling at Soobin’s joy, it’s contagious. The moment feels a bit surreal; to have Soobin harmonising next to him in his car in the quiet hours of the night, perceived by no one but themselves. Getting the license suddenly feels worth it.
“I can open the hardtop if you want to see the sky,” Beomgyu says, quickly shifting his gaze to Soobin to see his mouth draw an O-shape. He tries not to stare.
“Won’t you get cold from the wind though?” Soobin asks, hand lowering the music a bit to hear him better.
“No, it’ll be crazy and fun. That's why I got a convertible, Soobin. So I don’t care if it gets chilly.”
Soobin smiles, excited. “Okay, open it then.”
Beomgyu clicks a button and the car’s roof starts retracting to the back, slowly revealing the star-speckled sky and Soobin starts shouting in excitement. Beomgyu mirrors him in a small shout because he can’t get too excited when he’s behind the wheel. He’s glad Soobin is having fun though. Instead of standing in his seat, Soobin stretches back the chair to lay back and look at the sky. It makes more sense for him to do that so Beomgyu lets him relax and turns the music up because the air is dampening the sound now.
“This feels like a date,” Soobin mutters, his voice so low that Beomgyu feels like he’s imagined it for a second.
“Do you want it to be?” he can’t help but ask, doubt always creeping in no matter how hard he tries to close the shutters.
“Yeah,” Soobin replies, his arms crossed on his chest and Beomgyu keeps darting his eyes to check on him. As if his eyes are latching onto this opportunity to shellack his figure in his memory, afraid he’d slip away again if he isn’t within his line of sight. “That’d be nice.”
Beomgyu smiles, and his fingers start tapping to the rhythm of the song again. “Good, then it’s a date.”
Soobin makes the car seat turn back to its usual position at some point in the drive, he starts gazing out of the window while humming. It’s quiet and it’s peaceful. Beomgyu is sure that if he wasn’t behind the wheel then he’d be sleeping in the vehicle from how relaxed he is feeling at this moment.
“You’re really good at driving,” Soobin’s eyes are focused on his hand on the wheel and then it trails to his straight posture on the seat. Beomgyu’s skin singes.
“One of us has to be good,” Beomgyu says with a smirk and Soobin huffs at his teasing.
“I knew you would say that,” he replies, a bit vindicated but it’s all light.
Beomgyu smiles. “You know me too well.”
Soobin looks at him and their eyes meet for a second. “I do.”
Then it’s all silent. Ever since they got in the car it’s been moment of on and off conversations and they die fast because they’re nothing of substance. It’s not like they can talk about much when Beomgyu is still an amateur behind the wheel but Beomgyu finds that he wants to. He wants to stop sneaking glances at Soobin because the road is his priority. He wants to give him his full attention and commit to it.
Beomgyu hears a Heol from Soobin and he looks to his side and sees the first trail of the beach. It’s navy and the surface doesn’t glimmer with much light at night because nothing can match the sun’s glow. But it’s unmistakably the beach that they’ve been driving to. He doesn’t know how the drive could pass by so fast when it’s ninety minutes away from Ansan but he finds that he’s enjoyed every minute. Good moments are always fleeting.
He pulls up the car by the narrow corridor that leads to the pathway towards the beach. Soobin gets out of the car and stretches his legs and Beomgyu mirrors him from the other side of the car, their legs have gone heavy and prickly from misuse. He snatches his camera from the backseat along with a small bag with a stove and ramyeon cups and frozen food that he bought on his way back from dance practice. He was still contemplating whether he wanted to go for it or not but he’d already taken the first steps.
“Woah, are we having a campfire?” Soobin asks, eyes locked in on the bag with the paraphernalia. He didn’t bother with bringing a tent but he brought two foldable chairs from their balcony at the dorms. He nods and silently hands them to Soobin and closes the convertible back top, pulling the door handles to make sure the car is all locked.
They start striding towards the beach. Beomgyu is glad he wore waterproof shoes because the sand away from the beach seems to be soft with dew or rain—he can’t pinpoint it because he doesn’t live in the area and dew doesn’t form this early into the anti meridian.
The air isn’t as strong as when they were in the car but he somehow feels even more chilly now that he isn’t driving. Something about the beach could be making the wind feel colder.
Soobin beside him is silent. He keeps stealing gazes every once in a while to make sure he’s by his side and he looks at him and smiles that dimpled smile of his each time he catches his eyes.
“Isn’t that a good place?” Soobin points at a spot that’s close to the end of the pathway and isn’t gated. They don’t want to trespass whatever chains workers left to protect their chairs and umbrellas.
“Yeah, you can set the chairs.”
The chairs sink into the sand for leverage and Beomgyu puts the bag on one of them and stalks closer to the beach. It smells amazing, it’s been a while since he’s been to the beach and even longer since he’s been to it at night so his inhales are large and they sink into his bones. He feels softened.
As he looks at the beach, the horizon seems endless; he can’t make out where the sky starts and the ocean ends because they’re tied together in an invisible knot. Soobin appears in his horizon and he inhales the same breath that Beomgyu took. Right now, it seems worth it— to drive this long to do nothing much with Soobin. When he looks at him and smiles, he can see his reflections in his eyes and suddenly this theory makes sense. He exists there too, in Soobin’s eyes.
His eyes flick down to Beomgyu’s lips and stay there and Beomgyu finds himself opening his mouth to speak. “Are you hungry or do you wanna take a walk first?”
Soobin looks disappointed by his subtle turndown, judging by the jut of his lips but his expression turns impassive. He pulls Beomgyu’s hand to the shore’s direction. For a few seconds, Beomgyu lets his body be dragged by Soobin’s hand but then he decides to hold his hand properly and walk by his side. The coast doesn’t have any other humans there save for them. No one else is crazy enough to consider going to the beach close to four in the morning in freezing December.
Normally, Beomgyu would feel sleepy by now but everything that has been going for the past few hours has been unusual so he still feels energised. Soobin on the other hand is yawning by his side.
“Sorry.” He finds himself saying.
“Why are you sorry Beomgyu-ah?” Soobin looks at him softly and Beomgyu freezes before replying.
“I stole you from your warm bed and your precious sleep,” Beomgyu exaggerates and it earns a laugh from Soobin even though Beomgyu is sure that it’s not that funny. Maybe it’s the quiet hours of the night that make everything seem funnier. Laughter warms your belly up.
“You can steal me anytime, Beomgyu, I give you my full permission.”
Beomgyu laughs too, swinging their intertwined hands. “You won’t be saying that when you see a mysterious figure on your window.”
Soobin regards him with a skeptical look. “Why would you do that? Just come through the door, you’re always welcome, eomma loves you.”
Beomgyu rolls his eyes but he feels a tug in his heart because Soobin’s mom really does love him. And being loved by Soobin is one thing, earning his family’s affection too seems grand . It means that Beomgyu is welcome, that he’s earned something valuable that he should strive to protect and— he will. Protect it.
“You don’t get the fun romancing stuff.”
Soobin hands are warmer now than they were when they started walking, after they’d shared their warmth and multiplied it.
“It just seems like something straight out of a horror movie.”
Beomgyu gasps. “Being surprised to see me is scary to you?”
Soobin huffs. “No, but the method matters. Like what you did today was a good method to surprise me, called me fifteen minutes before arriving and all.” he winks at Beomgyu and he looks incredibly funny instead of flirtatious, making Beomgyu jab at his shoulder.
A yelp resounds out of Beomgyu’s mouth because they accidentally ended up too close to the shore while walking and now a wave crashed on Beomgyu’s shoes. Soobin laughs at Beomgyu’s sounds of complaint and beckons him a bit further from it.
“Oh my god,” he yells with his eyes trained to the animal that emerges from the beach in front of them.
Soobin follows his gaze and they stop their movement to watch it lest they scare it away.
“Did you know a turtle's heart can continue beating until five days after its death? I think it's interesting; being dead with your heart still alive.”
Soobin stares at the turtle ahead, her tiny children joining her on the shore then he looks at Beomgyu. “Wouldn’t it be painful though. I don’t know, do you know how it works?”
Beomgyu shakes his head. “I’m not sure, I think it’s something about pacemakers. It's just a cool fact I saw on YouTube. It’s cool for the heart to carry on as if the body is still swimming. Oblivious to its fate.”
Soobin nods, and he seems unconvinced. Maybe it’s cruel to him. “Why don’t you take a picture of them?” Soobin points to Beomgyu’s camera with his eyes.
Beomgyu looks at the camera hung around his neck and works his adept fingers to snap a picture of the turtles after zooming in a bit on them.
He examines them for a bit then clicks a picture of Soobin with his back to him. On hearing the shutter again after the temporary silence, Soobin whirls around to look at him.
A slow smile creeps up on his face, the one with one side curved up more than the other that ties Beomgyu’s stomach in knots. He’s still holding the camera to his eyes so he makes sure Soobin is in the frame and clicks a picture of him with his face showing this time.
Soobin smiles and doesn’t bother with posing but he does inch closer so his back is to the beach and Beomgyu feels a sense of deja vu at this moment.
“This is like in Vietnam…” they both say in unison and giggle at the jinx.
Beomgyu takes the chance and clicks some more pictures of Soobin laughing widely. Care-free and child-like. Beomgyu would kill for him, no— he’d live for him and make sure he spends every moment by his side.
Soobin inches closer to the camera and Beomgyu captures that too; all the silly faces he makes. But these ones - he decides - he’s keeping for himself.
“Now your turn,” Soobin says, his voice close to his ears. He doesn’t feel like posing but he normally doesn’t bother with it anyway. So he goes to stand where Soobin was previously standing and looks into the distance.
“Wait, can you come back for a second?” Soobin asks, he hangs the camera around his neck and sinks one hand into his jacket’s pocket. Beomgyu strides closer and Soobin wraps a scarf around his neck. It’s plaid brown and it smells really nice. Like fresh detergent, the smell of Soobin right now.
Soobin smiles at him and nods in approval. He looks like a proud mother because he made sure Beomgyu stays warm. Beomgyu doesn’t realise how chilly he was feeling until the scarf works its warmth on him.
He opens his mouth to speak and finds his lips sticking together from the cold. “Thank you.”
Soobin smiles. “Now go stand so I can click some pictures of you.”
His fingers work fast on the shutter and he knows all of Beomgyu’s favourite angles. He can confidently say that Soobin is his favourite to photograph him, that he’s his favourite.
“Show me,” he says and walks closer to Soobin. He doesn’t stop taking pictures as Beomgyu inches closer too, copying what Beomgyu did to him. Beomgyu finds himself huffing with a smile.
He skims through his pictures, Soobin’s head touching his as he peers down at them with him. Beomgyu realises it’s the closest they’ve gotten in proximity today and his heart lurches at the thought. He wants to hug him, he longs to kiss him again.
“This one is really good,” Soobin mutters and Beomgyu backtracks to the previous picture with his finger because he had skipped it when Soobin finished the sentence. He looks up in a silent question then dunks his head again when Soobin nods. “Yeah, this one. You look really mysterious.”
Beomgyu examines the picture and arches a brow. “Are you into that?” He smiles up at him.
Soobin shrugs. “I’m into you.”
This would be a moment that’d call for a ceremony except Beomgyu knows. He knows because the way Soobin looks at him makes it plain obvious, the way every touch of his seems meticulous and calculated too. Like the feeling of his hand that’s on his back right now, too secure in its place. He doesn’t do more than he needs to unless Beomgyu gives the permission— then he runs with it. Beomgyu can’t afford to go through another turmoil.
It’s not a big deal, it’s not— but his heart still crashes and retracts on itself like the waves do on the shore. He would willingly kneel on the wet sand and lay his feelings bare for Soobin to examine. He could but he can’t risk it because what if that’s not what Soobin wants? What if he thrashes his recovery break and what they have right now by his selfishness? He tells himself that if he lets it happen then it would end in bigger disappointment. So he’s the one to pull Soobin this time. They follow their trail back to their foldable chairs.
“I’m hungry,” he says. It isn’t a lie but it isn’t the full truth. This time, Soobin is the one on the beach’s side and he stares at it in silence as he holds Beomgyu’s hand on their little walk. Although Soobin hasn’t said anything, he can still tell he feels dejected by Beomgyu dodging his attempts but he doesn’t bring it up. He’s toeing around it too.
They make it back to their chairs and Beomgyu removes the bag to sit on the chair on the left and Soobin on the one to his right. They’re close enough to the beach that they can see the waves break and form again but they’re a safe distance from having their feet soaked.
Beomgyu takes out the electric stove along with the pan and a bottle of water. Soobin turns on the stove and Beomgyu pours the water inside the pan. They warm their hands by the fire of the stove and the steam coming out. Beomgyu considers playing a song on his phone but he figures the sound of the crashing waves in the darkness of the night is a much better melody to listen to so he quashes the idea.
“This feels like we’re strayed from the group on a High School trip,” Beomgyu says and chances a glance at Soobin.
“I’ve never gone camping in School,” Soobin replies, eyes a bit sunken then he yawns.
“That’s crazy, good thing I kidnapped you then.”
Soobin nods through his yawn. “You can sleep a bit till the food is ready,” Beomgyu offers.
“Nah, the chair will probably fall back if I relax too much. Doesn’t seem secure.”
Beomgyu sees the bubbles in the water and opens two packs of ramyeon, inserting them in the pan.
“You can lay your head on my shoulder.”
Soobin gives him a look of consideration. “After we eat. We still have to wait till the sunset, don’t we?”
Beomgyu blinks at him. “We can leave after we eat if you want to sleep.”
“No, Beomgyu. Forget it. I want to watch the sunset, wouldn’t wanna miss doing that with you.”
He knocks his knee against Soobin in lieu of a reply.
Soobin extricates the skewers from their wrapping and sinks them into the noodle sauce that Beomgyu has mixed together. The smell is awesome when he inhales, the smell of the salt heavy in the air along with the food they’re cooking. His stomach almost growls at the concoction.
The food looks ready so Beomgyu pulls out two metallic chopsticks. He forgot to buy disposable ones so he took them from the kitchen’s drawer. He hands one to Soobin along with the hard plastic cover of the ramyeon pack to eat on from the pan after turning the stove off.
Soobin beside him makes a noise of pleasure at the taste and Beomgyu follows, he shakes his legs a bit at the umami taste of the noodles. He fishes a skewer too and chews on it. All the steam from the food warms him up from inside. He loves winter, eating hot food, seeking its warmth. The world around him blanketed in white. It’s all so pretty to him and he craves the feeling of creating and finding warmth in everything.
“This is so good, Beomgyu. I owe you my life.”
Beomgyu chuckles. “I told you I’m a great cook.”
Soobin gives him a look. It’s a patronising one and he doubles over with laughter that he almost spits the food in his mouth. Beomgyu wants to strangle him, he’s not a great cook, so what? Soobin isn’t, either.
They finish their food and Soobin just sits there with his head on his shoulder. He feels puffs of his breath on his skin and smiles to himself, letting his head rest on Soobin’s head too. For a while, they just bask in the silence. It’s their thing after all. More than banter, they’re fluent in silence. There are words for feelings and feelings without words and in between that, lies silence. It’s a conduit for all their unspoken feelings, and most times it’s relaxing. Because there’s no need to say anything. Silence makes way for touch, and on most days, Beomgyu craves that.
The sun eventually comes up and they watch it rise across the ocean. It paints everything golden, and it’s magnificent to watch the light swallow the darkness, dipping its fingertips into everything it sees to paint it with its colour.
“The sun kinda looks like a soft-boiled egg yolk,” Soobin says and Beomgyu cranes his neck in slow motion to look at him because what he said was completely atrocious. But then he looks back at the sun and he sees the vision. It does look like soft-boiled egg yolk to him too now that Soobin put it in his mind.
“Are you hungry?” he asks, snatching the camera to snap a few pictures of the sun and how the ocean shimmers and glimmers under its light.
Soobin hums. “Kinda,” he replies and puts his eyes in front of Beomgyu’s lens to tease him. Beomgyu yelps but he snaps a few pictures of him close to it before standing with his back to the sun to take pictures of Soobin sitting on the chair. The sun has risen now, all of its circular glory in the sky so Soobin keeps blinking and it ruins the pictures until he closes his eyes and looks like an angel doing it. Beomgyu is keeping these ones to himself too.
They exchange their roles as photographer and model for a while. Both of them rivalling each other in skill and patience. Then they walk back to the car, they leave the roof open now that the sun is up and they’re delighted when it warms their skin against the cold air. Today is one of the lesser foggy days, the sky isn’t obstructed with clouds and the air has calmed down now that it’s morning.
Beomgyu drives them to a drive through restaurant and they get their breakfast and eat it in the car. Soobin keeps telling him that he’s having so much fun and it makes his heart overflow.
When Beomgyu drops Soobin off at his house, Soobin insists he comes inside to sleep for a bit and Beomgyu doesn’t have any schedules until the evening so he complies. It’s better than sleeping alone in his cold bed, he reasons.
Soobin’s hands are perched on his lower back after inserting the key in the lock and opening the door. The difference in temperature is immediately noticeable when he steps inside the house, his socked feet pad the heated floors behind Soobin’s lead. He knows where his room is, he’s been to his house before; a few years ago. He still lets his eyes roam around the place to familiarise himself again.
There are family portraits upholstered in the hallway past the foyer. He’s seen the ones of Soobin during his school years, back when he still had baby fat on his cheeks, still a cabochon.
Now there are ones added from his last birthday, pictures he took with his family and his nephew. He’s seen the video Soobin posted on Weverse along with the extra ones sent to the group chat and smiled to himself at knowing that Soobin is so well cared for with his family. Even when an ugly part of himself was bitter because he longed to be a contributor to this happiness.
“Beomgyu,” Soobin whispers and glances back at him, one hand levying the door’s knob and the other beckoning him closer from where his feet are planted to the ground.
He crosses the short distance and enters Soobin’s room after him. It smells like him, he’s spent the past few weeks missing his smell and his warmth and now he’ll sleep in his bed next to him again. It feels a bit surreal that his eyes start to sting, but he can’t cry; that would be weird.
“You can take a shower if you want, I’ll leave some clothes for you,” Soobin says, his voice now an octave louder that they’re behind a locked door.
“Oh, no need I showered before coming. I just want to sleep now,” he replies, taking off his padded jacket on Soobin’s hangers behind the door.
It’s already light out and if he had an early schedule today he’d have already been working right now. Soobin shuts the blinders to dim the room so that they can get some sleep before the afternoon. He’s only in a full sleeve shirt and his pants from earlier, Beomgyu the same as him. It’s too cold to sleep without light clothes so Beomgyu thanks the gods for that. He can’t handle sleeping next to naked chest Soobin again.
Soobin gets on the left side of the bed and leaves the right side for Beomgyu because he knows it’s his favourite. Beomgyu slips under the covers with caution, he doesn’t know from what. His heart jackhammers in his chest. He hates the tension he suddenly feels at being with Soobin—too close to touch but still infinitely away because of reason.
“I already sent a text to my mom telling her to not wake us up when she’s back,” Soobin says, putting his phone back on the bedside table.
“Your mom goes out before eight in the morning?”
Soobin chuckles. “Yeah, it’s her designated farmer’s market day. She won’t be back before noon.”
Beomgyu hums, he doesn’t know why they had to whisper if no one was in the house but he’s too tired to ask. He tries to slip his eyes shut. But he is not used to sleeping on his back, he’s been getting shit sleep lately because he has nothing to cuddle except Yeongmeong and now that the plushie’s father is beside him in all his flesh glory, he should be hugging the real thing. But his arms hesitate to move, they just clutch to the blanket firmly. “Goodnight, Hyung.”
“Goodnight, Beomgyu,” Soobin replies, he can feel his eyes on him even with his own eyes slipped shut but he ignores it. This is for the best, this is for the best. This is—
Soobin flips the cover and cages Beomgyu’s head in between his arms on the bed. He’s hovering over him and Beomgyu inhales sharply, averting his gaze because Soobin looks so indignant and it scares him.
He holds his chin and forces eye contact. Soobin’s eyes look so desperate and a bit angry but his touch remains gentle. “Why’re you tormenting me like that?”
Beomgyu gulps, he tries to lift his leg to move but Soobin is caging him with his legs. “What do you mean?”
Soobin’s brows furrow. “You come to spend time with me and then draw a line each time I try to get closer to you, why’s that?”
Beomgyu can’t look away from Soobin’s eyes although his hand has already left his chin. He knows he wouldn’t hesitate to hold it again so he doesn’t bother with tilting his head away. But the position is so familiar and it makes bees buzz inside of his belly even when he should be resolute. His resolve is slipping away because Soobin is looking at him with so much want and even though he’s angry, no— it’s because he’s angry that his pants feel a little tighter, his breath coming out more shallow.
Beomgyu makes up his mind.
“Remember the turtles we saw at the beach?” he asks, holding Soobin’s gaze.
“Yeah?” Soobin’s brows knit together in confusion.
“I said it’s romantic because—” he takes a deep breath to brace himself for the horrors. “I think my heart would still beat for you for days after death, Soobin. It feels like death when we do all the lovers stuff and move on the next day like it’s nothing. And I respect it if you don’t want to be exclusive or feel any differently about me than how I feel about you. But I can’t do it casually when it comes to you. We can’t— kiss then act like it’s nothing the next day. Your hands can’t map out my body when we’re just best friends .”
Soobin’s eyes widen, he looks stricken by the words that Beomgyu let out but it turns into a chuckle, sardonic and a bit relieved. “Who said I feel any differently?” his hand caresses Beomgyu’s soft cheek and Beomgyu feels himself melt against the touch. His heart is still beating rapidly against his chest because he just confessed all his feelings but he feels safe, there under Soobin’s soft gaze. His hand on his face. He doesn’t want to run away.
“Beomgyu, darling. I love you, I love you so much.”
Beomgyu feels the telltale sign of stinging in his eyes, the harbinger of tears and this time he resigns to them because it feels good to do so. “Yeah? You do?”
Soobin’s eyes soften. “Of course, I love you so much it threatens my whole existence.”
Beomgyu looks at Soobin with his teary eyes, Soobin’s finger’s coming to wipe the first few drops that trickle down from them. “How so? Tell me.”
“I love you so much I think about you when I wake up, I think about you when I eat something that we usually eat together. Or when it’s something I know you’d like. I think about you when I’m happy; wanting to share this happiness with you and I think about you when I’m sad; longing to escape in your warm embrace. I remember you in every moment of my existence, and isn’t that love? Because if it isn’t that I don’t know what is,” Soobin says then stops to air out his shirt, his cheeks are all rosy from the heartfelt admission.
Beomgyu cries, his tears come trickling down his cheeks and he hugs Soobin close, crumbling into his arms but he knows Soobin can always put him back together. Soobin is the problem and Soobin is the cure. He’s the only one with the key to his heart.
“You stupid idiot,” Beomgyu sniffles and hugs him tighter. “You could’ve told me this.”
Soobin’s fingers brush through his hair. “I thought it’s obvious. Why else would we be doing anything if I didn’t love you?” he sniffs Beomgyu’s neck and Beomgyu giggles. “You smell like me,” he trails off.
“Yeah, I used your perfume and your shower stuff because I missed your smell.”
Soobin retracts himself from his arms to smirk at him. “We can do something about that.”
“Like what?” Beomgyu asks, then it clicks in his head and his cheeks warm up at the implication.
Soobin’s hands snake up his torso, rucking his shirt up in the process and Beomgyu hisses from the touch. “I can imprint my scent on you in many ways,” Soobin starts. His mouth lodges itself onto his neck, he plants a kiss, following it with a playful bite and more kisses on his throat. Beomgyu keeps gasping and giggling but he expands his neck to make way for Soobin’s mouth to explore.
His mouth trails down to his clavicle, pulling the shirt down to drop more kisses on his chest. Beomgyu’s fingers sink in Soobin’s hair, beckoning his head closer to his skin. “I can take it off.”
Soobin pulls back and Beomgyu sits up to take his shirt off. Soobin’s hands instantly make it to Beomgyu’s waist after the shirt is discarded. He lays him back on the pillow and joins their lips in a kiss. Beomgyu tilts his head back a bit to deepen it, it’s soft and slow but Beomgyu wants to taste Soobin on the roof of his mouth. Soobin understands and complies, his tongue licking into his mouth. Right now, they’re an entanglement of limbs; Beomgyu’s arms around his neck and his legs around his torso, he’s clutching into him like a koala and Soobin moans into his mouth when he feels Beomgyu’s length against his. Evidently hard and throbbing.
His arm snakes down to hold Beomgyu down by the waist so he doesn’t cant his hips upwards to seek friction. Beomgyu’s noise of complaint dies in his throat when Soobin’s hand fists his cock in his pants.
“Fuck, Beomgyu. Do you want to?” he pulls at the hem of his pants in question and Beomgyu nods so harshly he feels his head throb.
“Please—” Soobin kisses him again then he pulls his pants and briefs in one go, throwing them next to his shirt on the floor. Now, Beomgyu is fully naked and Soobin is still fully dressed, his cock stirs in interest at the dichotomy. Soobin’s eyes trickle down to it and he smirks. Beomgyu closes his legs a bit but Soobin’s fingers pry them open and keep them in place.
“Fuck, are you not taking your clothes off?” Beomgyu peeks at him with one eye open.
Soobin’s hands clench around his hips. “Is that you asking? Try again.”
Beomgyu huffs and kicks him with his foot on his thigh. Soobin holds his ankle, lowering it on bed and takes his shirt off along with his pants. His breath fans Beomgyu’s abdomen before he starts leaving another trail of kisses down onto it, stopping at his happy trail. Beomgyu is all shaved down there but his tummy hair still stands at the sensation. He fists the sheets when Soobin holds his cock, letting out a grunt.
“No rutting up, puppy,” Soobin demands with one knee on his legs to keep them from moving. Beomgyu didn’t even realise he was moving, blindly chasing the pleasure. He whines when Soobin’s hand wraps around his cock, flattening his precum with his thumb to ease the glide. Beomgyu’s legs shake and he can’t stop panting to save his life. Soobin is situated in between his legs and the bulge in his briefs is apparent, he wants to extend his hand to touch it. He wants to feel it inside him.
“Hyung, I wanna feel you,” he mutters to Soobin when just his hand around him doesn’t feel like it’s enough anymore.
“Fuck, okay.” Soobin takes Beomgyu’s cock and rubs it against his in his boxers. And even though there is a fabric interfering, Beomgyu can feel the heat of the hard length against his own and his cockhead leaks more precum on the fabric in response.
Soobin opens Beomgyu’s legs wider by holding his ankles and joins their hips together. He thrusts up against Beomgyu’s length and the friction makes his head reel. Judging by the groans Soobin is letting out, he’s also enjoying the feeling. Now this isn’t the first time they’ve done some frottage, but they’re usually more clothed, more refined—during a makeout where they’d stop before things escalated further.
This feels like something else entirely because Soobin is fucking his cock against his with no restraint and Beomgyu’s body shivers with the overwhelming feeling, his toes curling from the sensation.
“Hy’ng, I want you to fuck me,” he mumbles and tries to focus his vision on Soobin to land his point across.
Soobin halts in his movement and looks at him with so much desire, irises swallowing the white in his eyes. “Are you sure, puppy? I don’t wanna hurt you.”
Beomgyu nods. “I want it— want you .”
“Fuck- fuck — Okay, wait here,” Soobin says and plants a kiss on his forehead before he leaves the room to look for lube. Now that Soobin isn’t within his vicinity, Beomgyu feels conscious of how naked he really is right now—laying on Soobin’s bed, drowning in his scent and affection and being the subject of his desires. Soobin is about to make love to him after confessing, and it all feels like some dream he’d have on an afternoon nap where’d he’d wake up with his tongue feeling like sandpaper. Except it's real, and it’s morning and Soobin returns back to the room with a bottle of oil—
“I couldn’t find lube, we’ll have to use coconut oil,” Soobin says, holding the bottle towards Beomgyu’s face to let him examine it.
Beomgyu shoves it away. “Are you kidding me? I’m not putting that thing in my ass.”
Soobin cackles, throwing his head back. “Come on, it’s better than artificial lube for sure,” he says and even he doesn’t sound convinced but he’s determined enough to try to talk Beomgyu into it.
“Let me smell it,” he says and sits up with his elbows on the bed to sniff it. He scrunches his nose at the smell. It’s not a bad one, it could work. He would hate the sensation of lube too.
“Okay, but you’re cleaning my hole after,” Beomgyu says.
“Okay, my princess. I’ll carry you to the bathroom too if you want.” Soobin puts his finger in the bottle to scoop out a chunk, it’s winter so the oil is clumpy in his hand. He has to smooth it into liquid with some friction of his fingers.
“Are you ready?” he asks, finger teasing at Beomgyu’s rim making him gasp.
“Wait, no. Can you— finger me on your lap? I want- I want you to hold me.” he sits up, cock popping with the movement when he steps out of the bed.
“Yes, baby. Of course.” Soobin sits with his back to the headboard, helping Beomgyu situate himself over his lap with his hand on his lower back, Beomgyu’s hands on his shoulders, knees on each side of his legs but he’s not sitting.
Beomgyu looks at his lips and inches closer for a kiss and Soobin sighs into it when Beomgyu’s hand tugs on the hair at his nape to manoeuvre his head higher. Beomgyu’s other hand squeezes Soobin’s cock in his boxers and he yelps. “You minx,” he complains, Beomgyu smirks and Soobin kisses him again. It’s messy and they’re panting into it more than they should but it feels good and that’s what matters.
Soobin takes the opportunity of Beomgyu being distracted and slips the first knuckle inside his rim. Beomgyu gasps at the intrusion but Soobin doesn’t stop kissing him to take his attention away from it.
Beomgyu feels weird about the prodding but he’s horny enough to ignore the slight discomfort.
Soobin adds another finger when he deems his hole fit enough. Two knuckles deep inside Beomgyu’s rim stretching him open. He bites Soobin’s lower lip to not scream in pleasure when one finger jabs at his prostate once, his toes curling with his skin prickling at the sensation.
“Hah— feels… s’ good,” Beomgyu pants into Soobin’s neck. His body arches a bit and Soobin pries his ass open with one hand. As if Beomgyu was his dough to knead however he wants.
“Yeah, puppy? You’re a bit loose, did you finger yourself recently?” Soobin asks, squeezing at one ass cheek then landing a slap on it. Beomgyu moans into his ears, and his body convulses with desire.
“Yeah. In the shower. Imagined it was your fingers instead. Hahh—” Soobin’s scissors his fingers inside his hole faster and Beomgyu chokes on his words.
“Fuck, you make me go crazy,” Soobin says and bites his shoulder then looks over his ass, stretching his hole open to add a third finger and Beomgyu’s body goes limp against Soobin’s but it doesn’t matter because he is holding him upright to aim his fingers at his prostate. He feels his spine get zapped when Soobin’s fingers find it again. He shakes like a leaf in Soobin’s arms and his mouth opens in a silent moan.
He feels like he could come at any moment now. He’s been aroused for too long and Soobin’s long fingers inside him might be what finally sends him over the edge so he withdraws his face from Soobin’s shoulder to tell him.
“I think I’m ready,” he mumbles into Soobin’s face. Soobin kisses his jaw and Beomgyu throws his head back to feel his tongue leave a fat stripe on his neck. It’s a bit animalistic and it feels even hotter when he looks into Soobin’s eyes and finds them dilated.
“I have a big cock, Beomgyu. I don’t think you’re ready,” Soobin reasons with his fingers still stretching him open and Beomgyu lifts himself up by using Soobin’s shoulders as leverage and starts rocking on his fingers to prove his point. His hole takes Soobin’s fingers easily without complications.
He gives his best puppy eyes to Soobin. “Just the tip, then… Please.” he hears him groan and feels his hand clench around his waist, hard enough to leave his fingers printed.
“Okay, puppy,” Soobin says, taking his fingers out and in a few more seconds Beomgyu feels the tip teasing at his rim. Soobin is still in his boxers but they’re bunched down, Beomgyu sees when he looks down between their bodies. Soobin keeps rubbing his cock on his hole and doesn’t try to slip it inside until Beomgyu bites him. “Ow, alright! I got you.”
A gasp exits his throat when the tip slips easily inside his rim after all the stretching. It’s warm and slippery from the oil they just re added and Beomgyu feels it throb inside him.
“Wait, did you want a condom? I’m clean,” Soobin says and his voice comes out a bit strained because of the fact that he’s inside him.
“Fuck condoms, I am clean too, you’re my first,” Beomgyu mutters and hugs Soobin’s neck, his knees shake a bit so Soobin shifts their positions to make them lay sideways facing each other on the bed after kicking off his boxers.
“You’re trusting me with your hole’s virginity?” Soobin smiles, one side of his mouth tugging up, his hips still rutting against Beomgyu’s butt, but he already slipped outside the rim.
“I’d trust you with my life, Soobin. Being cracked open by you with the help of your mum’s coconut oil doesn’t seem like much in comparison.”
Soobin bites his nose. “ Shh , don’t mention eomma right now.” He kisses him stealing his rebuttal, their teeth clank together and Beomgyu laughs into it. It feels like they’re sharing their light, they’re both recharging in a much more humanly way since bodies don’t really shine. Beomgyu feels warm at his very core and it brims at the edge with it, the heat threatens to spill outside of him the only way it knows how.
“Put it in,” Beomgyu says, hand reaching for Soobin’s dick to insert it himself. He’s aware he’s being desperate but the awareness lacks the power to compel him to do anything other than acting on his want. He delays his embarrassment for later, now he’s in Soobin’s arms, about to take his length and he’s never been more impatient. “Please,” he whines when the head slips outside again.
Soobin smirks and spreads one cheek with his hand and pushes his cockhead in with the other.
“ Fuckyesyesyes— “ Beomgyu’s face sinks into Soobin’s neck and he fights the urge to bite into it to quiet his noises. He tries to push it in a bit more, Beomgyu feels the stretch of the pulsing head inside his rim and clutches to Soobin with a strangled whimper. It feels good and it can get better if he relaxes so he tries to not clench around Soobin.
“You’re doing good for me puppy,” Soobin mutters, soothing hand on his back and although he’s trying to appear calm, Beomgyu can tell that Soobin is also wearing thin because he starts moving his hips to sink deeper into his ass, letting out frequent groans when he drills in a bit deeper. The position is inefficient though; because Soobin isn’t deep enough into him to not slip outside, and he can feel his frustration grow each time he’s out of Beomgyu’s rim by the grunts he lets out.
“I’m so sorry,” Soobin says before flipping them so that Beomgyu is below him instead of them lying side by side. He puts a pillow under his lower back and gives his cock a few pumps.
Beomgyu’s mouth almost drools at the sight; Soobin’s flexed abs and how they end at his navel hair— his veiny hands wrapped around his cock before he’s inserting it again. “I have to fuck you properly now,” Soobin growls and he’s looking at Beomgyu with his half-lidded dark eyes. It makes something in Beomgyu’s stomach stir with want.
He nods and Soobin slips inside in one go, he’s not buried to the hilt but he’s much deeper inside him than he was before. Beomgyu feels like his body would get cleaved in half if he takes all of his length but then Soobin starts moving. It feels weird but Beomgyu is too horny to complain. Soobin holds the back of his bent thighs to plunge deeper into him with each thrust, and Beomgyu— sees the light when he accidentally hits his prostate and he can’t control his moans anymore. Soobin’s length is throbbing and thrusting inside him with sloppy precision and it makes his head all woozy.
“Fuck, that’s—” Soobin stills inside him before slipping out and thrusting in one go. Beomgyu screams from the feeling when Soobin’s hip touches his ass. “Are you okay?” Soobin stills to watch his reaction and intertwines their hands.
“Yeah, feels- s’ good. I want you close,” Beomgyu mumbles with his arms stretched towards him and Soobin maneuvers himself to have Beomgyu’s legs over his shoulders—Soobin’s elbows caging Beomgyu’s head. He moans into the kiss because Soobin is so warm inside him. “You can- ahh- move now.”
Soobin obliges, he starts fucking him in slow thrusts, Beomgyu feels the drag of each one in all his cells as if they’re all notifying him that’s getting fucked, all the blood rushing to his pelvic and leaving his brain empty. His hands scratch at Soobin’s back when he starts going faster, Beomgyu could probably come untouched from the feeling alone.
“You feel so good, puppy,” Soobin licks into his ear and Beomgyu moans again. He makes the mistake of rutting up against Soobin’s torso but Soobin doesn’t stop him this time. He only goes faster, less calculated and animalistic. The only sound in the room being that of him ramming into him, flesh to flesh.
“All for- all for you,” Beomgyu slurs into Soobin’s neck, then he holds his head to smash their lips together. This time it’s full of spit and heavy breathing and Soobin breaks it to rest his forehead on his while plunging deep into him.
“I love you so much,” Soobin whispers, his eyes looking into his eyes that he’s sure if love was a liquid that it’d pool into his own and blind him. And that’s all it takes for his body to start convulsing and free his load onto his stomach. For a few seconds, he doesn’t hear or see anything but he feels extreme bliss. Every morsel of his being singing together in joy, a silent song that only he can hear.
When he opens his eyes, he sees that Soobin is still inside him, looking at him with an entranced expression. Beomgyu hugs him and whispers to him to keep going even though he knows his ass will be sore after this.
Soobin starts moving again inside him and he feels the burn of overstimulation but he also wants to feel Soobin against him, to be filled to the brim. The desire makes him say something insane.
“Come inside, knock me up so that I can’t leave.”
“Fuck, Beomgyu, fuck ,” Soobin curses into his ears, with a few more sloppy thrusts where he’s not even buried deep enough he ends up coming down his ass, riding his orgasm and driving the cum deeper into Beomgyu. He’s sure he will be able to feel it in his belly when he moves. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget Soobin’s expression as he orgasmed, the vision will replay itself into his mind, etched into the atomic synapses.
Soobin slips out and the cum trickles down from his rim, his hole quivers around the emptiness he left behind when Soobin lands on the bed beside him, heaving out shallow breaths. He looks into his eyes and smiles, his hair is tousled and he has sweat dripping down from his forehead. Beomgyu thinks to himself, how lucky he is, to be the only one who can see that; his rosy blush cheeks and the way the afterglow sits proudly on his cheekbones. He’s enthralled with every blink of his eyes.
“So do you wanna talk about your breeding kink?” Beomgyu jokes, wiggling his eyebrow and inching closer to rest his head on Soobin’s shoulder.
“Don’t. You’re the one who spurted it out,” Soobin hides his face with one hand and Beomgyu pries it off with a giggle.
“Don’t get shy on me right now, you weren’t so shy earlier.”
Soobin tackles his head with his arms, and Beomgyu lets out a screech. “We have to shower and sleep a bit before you go.”
Beomgyu whines in the pillow, he feels uncomfortable down there but his body has gone boneless after the sex and now all it’s telling him to do is to sleep.
“Let’s go, I’ll run us a warm bath,” Soobin says and extricates himself from his arms to the bathroom in his room. He hears the tab running and then Soobin returns with a warm wet cloth in his hand, still fully naked and unabashed about his nudity. Beomgyu thinks it’s fitting, they’ve already seen everything and they’re about to shower so putting on briefs is useless.
Soobin starts by wiping Beomgyu’s stomach from the cum that has gone flaky on his skin. He cringes at the gross feeling. Then he gently wipes his ass of any oil and cum residue. Beomgyu feels like he’s going to dissolve into the sheets, the mattress soaking his mass in.
“Do you want me to carry you?” Soobin asks, he’s acting oddly polite and more gentle than usual. Beomgyu guesses it’s because he feels bad about potentially hurting Beomgyu so he squeezes his hand.
“Hey, I wanted this. And I can walk just don’t look at me.”
Soobin smiles and faces away to allow Beomgyu to walk into the bath first.
Beomgyu uses the toilet first to clean himself. Then he dips his hand into the water in the tub to gauge the temperature and gets inside, holding his knees to his chest. He feels all the fatigue in his body slowly start to dissolve in the water. Then Soobin emerges into the bathroom and closes the door behind him. He slips inside and the water starts to overflow, spilling at the edge of the tub from the added mass.
“Hi,” Beomgyu says, sitting across from him, he giggles a bit when Soobin smiles, dimples showing. The moment feels oddly intimate, but then again they’ve just had sex after a dramatic confession and are bathing together. So many overwhelming feelings and sensations that they’ve experienced across the past few hours that the slowness and quietness of this moment turns his limbs jelly.
“Come here,” Soobin says, tugging on Beomgyu’s arm gently. Beomgyu has to stand with his knees in the tub to scooch closer to him. He sits in between Soobin’s legs and he can feel his flaccid length against his back, he blushes a bit at the feeling but he’s so tired to be able to get up again.
Soobin’s chin lands on his shoulder, it scratches a bit because of his stubble. He hugs his waist tighter. “Now you get to smell like me again before leaving,” he whispers and Beomgyu feels it in his spine.
“Oh my god, will you ever let this go?” he whines, jabbing his elbow back at Soobin.
“No,” Soobin says with an airy laugh. “It made me go crazy, you don’t understand.”
Beomgyu chuckles. “I know. You’re a big, big pervert.”
Soobin wiggles his eyebrow. “And you love it.”
“I do. Now stop talking and let’s get washed up or I’ll sleep in the tub and you’ll have to carry me for real.”
“You’re not gonna give me a hand job in the tub like in Vietnam?” Soobin asks, he can tell by his tone that he’s joking but his body still seizes at the memory. Back then, Soobin got hard when they bathed in the tub— it was a joking suggestion to bathe together but they both yielded and did it anyway. They were sitting on opposite sides of each other and Beomgyu’s foot had accidentally touched Soobin’s dick and he was surprised to feel it semi-hard. It made sense because his expression was bashful and he couldn’t look into Beomgyu’s eyes in the tub whenever Beomgyu spoke. He didn’t know what was wrong with him when he offered to help him with it. They did a lot of other stuff on this trip that they never talked about after. And he thought he was okay with it until he wasn’t.
He doesn’t regret any of it. He doesn’t regret anything he did with Soobin because it all amounted to this moment. Now, nothing can stand in the way of his happiness, because they’ll figure it all together.
Beomgyu whirls his head back and shuts him with a kiss and then hands him the loofah to wash his back.
They’re fresh and clean in bed after, Soobin lends Beomgyu some of his clothes to wear even though Beomgyu could wear his own clothes. He tells them now that they’re official he can steal his clothes as he wishes. Even though he let him do it before without saying anything about it. But he could feel his eyes lingering a little longer on him each time and it used to fuel him more. They cuddle to sleep for the last few morning hours into the afternoon.
Beomgyu wakes up with kisses to his face, he groans, wanting to sleep longer but then his brain recalls back where he is—and who the one leaving the kisses on his face is. He slowly peels his eyes open to see Soobin already peering at him. His eyes are red and he has pillow lines on his face. His lips are a little puffy too when he smiles so he doesn’t fight the urge and gives him a peck on them with his eyes still half open.
“Good mornin’,” he mumbles and hugs Soobin tighter, arms closing around him. Soobin ruffles his hair and plants a kiss on his head. He treats like a puppy too.
“Good morning, angel. Eomma made lunch, eat before you leave.”
Beomgyu blinks several times. “What time is it?”
“It’s one thirty in the afternoon,” Soobin answers, not bothering to check the time because he woke up before Beomgyu to an alarm that he didn’t hear. Beomgyu was sleeping like a baby until he got stirred awake.
“Oh, okay. I have to leave in thirty minutes though,” he rubs his eyes, yawning into the pillow.
“That’s fine, go brush your teeth and join us outside.”
Beomgyu gets in the bathroom again and finds a new toothbrush ready for him to use, standing in a blue cup. He squeezes some toothbrush on it and brushes his teeth and washes his face with cold water. He still feels sore and sleepy.
Outside, Soobin’s mom greets him. She hugs him tight and shows her delight in him visiting, saying he should do it more and that he doesn’t have to come to see Soobin only even though she understands.
The air smells like fresh incense in Soobin’s home now, it’s hung above one of the portrait frames to propagate its scent around the house. It’s a bit calming and Beomgyu likes it.
Soobin is standing in the kitchen doing something when his mom inches closer to Beomgyu, putting her hand on his shoulder. He tilts his head to look at her.
“I’m so happy for you two,” she says, her smile resembles Soobin a lot. Only that she has one dimple instead of two. He feels like he’s about to cry.
Her eyes are soft when she looks at him.“It was hard watching you dance around each other, but I had faith that you’d make it work one day, Beomgyu-ah.”
Beomgyu’s hands shake around his thigh and he squeezes it to not have his eyes brim with tears but it’s futile. His tears have always flowed easier than he wished for them to. “Eommo-nim…” he holds one of her hands in both his hands and tries to not let his voice crack.
“I’ll make sure to treat him as well as he treats me, if even more.”
Soobin’s mom laughs. “I know you already do, silly. Just be happy together, that’s all I ask of you.”
Beomgyu nods, unable to say anything else but then he sees Soobin inch closer so he tilts his head away to wipe his eyes with his sleeve. He eyes them suspiciously so Beomgyu tells him they were shit talking about him when he wasn’t around to which Soobin doesn’t believe but they brush it off and eat.
When they finish eating, Beomgyu wears his jacket, and takes his bag with the beach stuff and the clothes he came with. Soobin follows him to the door. He stands on the doorstep to bid his farewell and Soobin pecks him on the lips accompanied by an ass squeeze before he leaves. He lets out a tiny sound of complaint and Soobin apologises but he doesn’t look very sorry. Menace.
Beomgyu walks to his car parked on the curb of the street and gets inside to hear his phone ping with a new message.
Boyfriend ❤️ 2:06 pm
Next time we’re having sex in your car
He giggles at the contact name, Soobin had told him he changed his contact name when he was sleeping because the full name has always annoyed him. He knows Beomgyu is a traditionalist romantic so he’d have definitely changed it now that they’re official. But the gesture is still cute, Soobin is more possessive than he lets on.
You 2:06 pm
we’re not doing anything before you get ur ass here
Boyfriend ❤️ 2:06 pm
I’m getting my ass anywhere if it leads to you
You 2:07 pm
so ur gonna visit during the break?
Boyfriend ❤️ 2:07 pm
Yes baby. Of course
You 2:07 pm
okay then we can talk about this again when my ass isn’t destroyed
Boyfriend ❤️ 2:08 pm
Take care of it for me ❤️
You 2:08 pm
shut up it’s all your fault ill be limping around for days
Boyfriend ❤️ 2:08 pm
That’s not what you were saying when you begged for it
Good things come at a price puppy
Beomgyu wants to smash his head against the wheel but that’d give him a migraine so he only clenches his legs a little at the pet name and the memory that’s still fresh in his brain.
You 2:09 pm
I hate youu omg
Boyfriend ❤️ 2:09 pm
I love you too <3
Drive safely and call me when you can!
Beomgyu replies and puts his phone back on the holder. He rotates the key in the ignition and drives back to Seoul, this time with his limbs less heavy and his heart more content and ecstatic about the change. He sniffs the scarf around his neck and smiles to himself. All his newfound ache is for a good reason.
Beomgyu doesn’t just exist anymore, he feels alive.