Chapter Text
It was a few days before Katsuki’s eighteenth birthday when everything started to fall apart. His third year was still just beginning. His arm was still healing from the war and he had been making sure to keep up with the orders given from Recovery Girl. It was annoying to not be able to work out and fight on a daily basis like he used to, but he had died , so, having to rest and properly heal wasn’t exactly unexpected.
He could put up with it because he knew it’d be worth it when everything went back to normal. Katsuki never expected this life of delicacy to become his new normal.
He went to see Recovery Girl for a check up. He could still barely feel his right arm, so he wasn’t expecting any crazy updates. It was just meant to be routine. He had expected to hear the standard ‘ I can’t clear you just yet. Keep doing what you’ve been doing and we’ll check in again in a month. ’ He’d prepared himself for that.
Katsuki didn’t prepare for what he was told after it.
“I can’t clear you, Bakugou, and I fear I never will be able to.”
Katsuki just stared at her for a few moments when she said it. Her wrinkled face was solemn and her usually closed eyes were open and mournful. It was like she was looking at him as he lay with an open chest in the middle of The Coffin. His blood ran cold through his body.
“What do you mean by ‘never be able to’?” His voice was quiet and disbelieving which only caused Recovery Girl’s mouth to twitch into a frown. His left hand dug into his thigh.
“Your heart, son. It has developed a murmur. I’m sure you’ve noticed feeling more tired and frequent dizziness? Shortness of breath? You even had that fainting episode just last week.”
“And? What does that have to do with anything? It’ll just heal like everything else and I should be fine by graduation. That’s what you said. That’s what you promised.”
“I couldn’t have predicted this, Bakugou. As it stands you will not be able to go into hero work.”
You will not be able to go into hero work.
Ten words. Just ten words were enough to take his entire life and send a giant fissure into the middle of it. He could feel his heart beating painfully in his chest as his head began to heat. He could barely see the woman in front of him as his vision clouded and blurred.
“You can’t heal me? That’s your job isn’t it? I don’t care if it knocks me into a coma for months because of the amount of energy it’d take. If it means I can get back into the field I’ll do anything.”
“This is not something that I can heal, Bakugou. I cannot heal chronic illnesses.”
A chisel was inserted into the fissure and smacked down with a mallet. Katsuki felt the cracks tear through his body. He always thought the pain as his body was destroyed in The Coffin would be the worst that he ever felt. He thought his death would be the lowest point of his life.
He never expected words to hurt more than a shattered arm and an open chest cavity.
“..Chronic?”
“You will be dealing with this for the rest of your life. It’s caused by the defect that has been left in the structure of your heart. Edgeshot saved your life, but he’s no surgeon and you were on an open battlefield. You then fought with an open chest and barely stitched together heart after being brought back to life. Your heart never had a chance to stabilize.”
“But didn’t they fix it at the hospital? They said I’d be fine they-”
“They did their best, Bakugou. The surgery was risky as is and it’s a miracle you didn’t die again on the table. Be grateful that you’re alive. Many didn’t get that after the war.”
Katsuki just stared at her and had to act like the world hadn’t completely opened up underneath him. He can’t be a hero. The thing he’s been training his entire life to be is now an impossibility to him and he’s supposed to be grateful because he didn’t fucking die.
There were a million retorts that he wanted to scream out, blame that he wanted to place on anyone who would listen. He knew that it would be futile though and the last thing he needed was to pass out from the stress and prove Recovery Girl right.
So he bit his tongue, nodded, and left the infirmary with burning eyes focused on the tile.
He didn’t speak to anyone for three days afterwards. He didn’t go to class. Didn’t eat. Barely left his bed unless it was to use the bathroom and glare at himself in the mirror. It was difficult to recognize himself after the war. Scars now took up a decent portion of his body and one cut directly across his cheek.
‘ Handsome ’ he used to be called by some. An attractive face when he wasn’t scowling and snapping his teeth at anyone who pissed him off. He could barely make out any familiar aspects of the face that stared back at him.
His irises were no longer a bright red - but muted and sunken into his face. Acne had begun to form across his once clear forehead as he failed to keep up with his old skincare routine. His cheeks were hollowed under his deep eyebags and cutting scar. His skin looked like he hadn’t stepped outside in months and was constantly getting sick. Broken blood vessels and red splotches decorated his skin as much as his scars. Depending on the lighting, Katsuki could have sworn he was translucent. If he stared hard enough at the blue lines under his skin he might just be able to see the blood flowing through him.
A sign that he was alive and not just a walking corpse. His thumb and forefinger have become well acquainted with his pulse. They always found their way to his wrist or below his jaw whenever things felt too silent.
When his heartbeat suddenly stopped sounding in his ears- when his thoughts were no longer cohesive and just bounced from word to memory to emotion and he was left shaking above his covers. He couldn’t sleep under them anymore. Too constricting. He’d rather wake up shivering than wake up trapped beneath Shigaraki’s snarling face.
Alive he had to tell himself. Grateful he had to remind himself as he scratched at the skin of his chest in the mirror. Only two of the scars that stretched across were of his own making. They made him euphoric to look at. They used to, anyway. Now they’re overshadowed by the starburst above his heart and the reminder he’ll never be the hero he envisioned for himself.
The man he had envisioned for himself.
Izuku was the most irritating in his forced solitude. He was at his door everyday and would sit outside for hours. He talked about his day and the lessons they’d gone over and the training that they’ve done. If Katsuki was able to speak he would have told him to fuck off. If it wasn’t for Katsuki sending ‘alive’ texts each morning, Izuku probably would have busted down his door.
Which he did on the fourth day when Katsuki didn’t text by nine am.
Katsuki wanted to scream at him, call him crazy and tell him to leave him the fuck alone. Why can’t he just leave him be? What does he expect Katsuki to say? ‘ You’re not the only one who has to give up on his lifelong dream now. Serves me right after everything I’ve done, huh?’
But Izuku’s eyes were terrified and his arms were wrapped around Katsuki’s neck the moment he looked at him. Katsuki couldn’t bring himself to say anything as Izuku whispered ‘ thank God’ over and over again against his neck. His hands dug into Katsuki’s shirt and refused to let go until Katsuki pulled at the ends of his hair.
He glared at Katsuki through hot tears and a trembling lip. “Don’t scare me like that. Ever.”
“I’m fine-”
“Fine people don’t lock themselves in their rooms for three days.”
“Izuku. Drop it.”
He still remembers the flame that flickered in Izuku’s eyes when he said that. How he so clearly wanted to keep pushing until Katsuki fell open like a dam and flooded his dorm room with his trauma and anguish.
“Don’t lock me out, Kacchan. Please. Don’t do that to me again.”
It wasn’t what Katsuki was expecting him to say. A further pry to get him to talk at that moment? Maybe. Not a plea for future conversations when Katsuki dropped to the edge.
“...Okay.”
That conversation always made him nauseous when he remembered it. Especially whenever he recalled how far they’ve drifted from each other. Though it was Katsuki’s decision. For the best he had told himself. Drift now so it hurts less he convinced himself. Imagine the pain if Izuku does it to you instead. He’ll be in college. He’s studying to be a teacher. He doesn’t have time to deal with your issues with everything on his plate. This is better for both of you. He reminded himself. He repeated these mantras on loop in his head at graduation and the year following.
Each time he waited an extra hour to reply to a text. An extra day. An extra week.
Each time he conveniently couldn’t meet up. A doctor’s appointment he would say. Visiting his folks. The offer to reschedule and the plans never made.
Each time he didn’t reach out and days went without them speaking until all conversation stopped entirely.
It’s better this way, Katuski forced himself to believe. Izuku has new priorities. Izuku has a life to live that does not involve Kacchan. With the distance that he had carved between them, it should have allowed his emotions to dull.
Katsuki was smarter than that though. He didn’t graduate at the top of their class out of luck. He knew forcing a divide between himself and Izuku wouldn’t make his love for him go away.
But Katsuki has long since grown numb to the lies he tells himself.
A job out of high school that didn’t involve heroism wasn’t something he ever thought about. His doctor still continued to push that whatever he decided to do had to be low stress. He wanted to laugh at him. As if any job could be low stress in their current society. He wasn’t being rushed to find something though.
He took the first two years post grad as gap years. Life as he had known it had completely turned on its head, so he was going to need all the time he could in order to get it right side up again. No one was there to warn him about just how hopeless it would feel.
With the help of his parents, Katsuki got his own apartment. There was a voice in the back of his head that told him this was a bad idea - that he shouldn’t allow himself to be alone for days on end. That he should stay living with his folks until he knew he was stable and had a job under his belt. He ignored it and put his name on the lease.
It wasn’t just Izuku that he forced the divide with. He found himself deep in his own cave of isolation as he convinced himself it would be easier for those around him. Katsuki never was one to go out of his way to text first or make plans. Even after the war, he just became more willing to accompany the group when he was dragged along.
Now out of school and on his own, an additional barrier was placed between him and those he considered friends. He wasn’t on patrol with them. There were inside jokes and conversations that were tossed over his head so casually he felt like an idiot for not understanding.
It’s no one else’s fault, truly. They’re all heroes now. They’re going on missions and saving Japan from the still lurking dangers after the war. Their lives weren’t drastically changed. It’s not their responsibility to walk on eggshells around Katsuki in fear of upsetting him.
In fear of reminding him of a life that is no longer in his reach.
The only people he fully stayed in contact with were Eijirou and Kyouka. They didn’t exactly give him an option otherwise. If too long had passed without hearing from him, one or both would turn up at his door and ring the bell until he pulled himself from his bed.
They didn’t talk about hero work around him. Maybe it was a silent agreement they made between each other, but Katsuki couldn’t find the desire to press them about it. He was finally able to have proper conversations without feeling like he was missing an entire portion of context.
Conversation with the two of them was always easy. Even on the days where words didn’t properly work for Katsuki, they still filled the stagnant silence with their voices. A sign of life. Proof that a world exists outside the confines for Katsuki’s bedroom and the occasional hospital stay. Something he was actually grateful for.
Though, no amount of love he felt for his friends was able to fill the empty pit that continued to grow in his stomach. Exhaustion was ingrained deep into his bones for reasons unrelated to his heart. The act of even sitting up in his bed was enough to leave his head spinning from the exertion.
Some days were better than others. Some days he’d wake up with the sun shining a light over his legs and he would know they would work that day. He’d be able to stand from his bed, take a shower, put on a fresh pair of clothes, cook a simple breakfast, take his medications, and maybe send a funny video in the groupchat. He really loved the videos of cats with the voice overs.
A part of him hoped that one day he’d be able to care for himself enough that he could take care of a cat as well. Something else that could prove to him that he should be grateful to be alive. Though, maybe he already knew at that time that it would never be possible. He was just unaware of how much of this gratitude he had left. Maybe he never had any to begin with and the two years leading up to the event were just prolonging the inevitable.
When Katsuki was told he no longer needed to wear the sling a little over a full year after graduation, he opened his texts with a smile to let Izuku know. His grin faltered as he stared at the text from four months ago that he still hadn’t answered. He shut the message and sent a thumbs up picture to Kyouka instead. He summed up the ache in his chest to another murmur.
She offered to take him out for drinks in celebration. Just the two of them at a smaller bar that she had begun to frequent. Nothing crazy. In all honesty, Katsuki had no desire to go. He would have much rather her just come over and they watch an anime and eat that spicy ice cream that he likes.
But he seriously hadn’t gone out and done something in almost a full year. He didn’t hang out with friends. He didn’t have a job. He could barely even call what he was doing ‘existing’. So he said yes. He’d force himself to have a grateful day.
The struggle started the moment he tried to wear something that wasn’t sweats. His favorite old pair of black jeans no longer sat comfortably on his hips. They bagged uncomfortably at his thighs and dipped with each step that he took. He grabbed a random black belt to keep them up. He forced himself to ignore the fact that they were still loose despite being locked onto the last hole.
He attempted to hide it with his favorite shirt that fell to the top of his thigh. He didn’t realize how baggy the shirt had become until he looked in the mirror. Katsuki had hoped that as time passed, he would become more familiar with this new version of himself. That, even though it has been over two years since the end of the war, he would no longer wince at his reflection.
Maybe that would have been the case if Katsuki hadn’t covered every mirror in his apartment. The old bed sheet crinkled in his hand as he stared at his reflection. His hair had grown to just above his shoulders. It was the longest he had allowed it to get since the initial cut with his moms scissors in elementary school.
Katsuki knew he had lost weight and muscle mass due to the doctor appointments, though he never paid attention to the number. He never allowed himself to be naked longer than the few minutes he stood in the shower on the days he was able to move. Even when he was, he spent the time with his eyes closed to avoid looking at any part of himself.
He was aware of the lack of definition on his limbs and torso when he washed himself. He just didn’t think about it. Refused to think about it. Reminded himself to be grateful that he’s alive. Though, he no longer knew if simply breathing was enough to qualify anymore.
Still, knowing he was skinnier than he was at graduation still doesn’t prepare him for actually seeing it. Or what he allowed himself to see as he drowned in the clothes that used to make him feel euphoric. This shirt was previously tight across his chest and upper arms and showed off the build he had worked so hard to create. The body he had ripped open and put back together in a way that made him feel free and not trapped behind genetics.
The shirt bagged on every part of him now. He found himself pulling at the faded skull design with a hunched posture like he was thirteen years old and trying to hide from the world again.
Maybe he’ll ask if Kyouka can take him shopping the next time she’s free. He trusts Eijirou’s fashion sense as far as he can throw him, which is not at all. Not anymore.
Katsuki met her outside of the bar as it sat an equal distance between their apartments. They hadn’t seen each other in a while, but if Kyouka noticed his thinning figure she kept it to herself. She led him by the hand to her usual booth. The place was quiet like she promised it would be. There were barely twenty people scattered about on the random Wednesday night.
The lighting itself was dark and most voices were lost over the alternative music that played over the speakers. Katsuki didn’t recognize a single person and no one gave him a second glance. He could do this.
He never really was much of a drinker, so he let Kyouka pick something she thought he’d like and sipped it casually as they talked about nothing. There never needed to be an actual topic between them in order for the conversation to stay steady and light hearted. It was just simple talking to Kyo. It always has been.
At the bottom of his first glass he pulled himself away to use the bathroom. It was a public restroom with numerous stalls and not a high guest count. He shouldn’t have had anything to worry about.
Opening the door, he remembered feeling annoyed that there was barely any lighting besides dim bulbs over the sink. The annoyance deepend further when he noticed the two men making out against the door of the closet stall. It settled in a pit at the bottom of his stomach at the fact he’d have to pass them just to piss.
The pit threatened to swallow him whole when he recognized one of the men.
He could have pushed it off as a random resemblance, but there was no mistaking the mess of green curls on the top of his head and the compression sleeve that covered his right arm. Izuku’s hands were gripping this guy's face like a lifeline. Katsuki couldn’t even make out his features besides his messy blonde hair as they kissed like they were starving for each other.
The other man’s hands were dipped into the back pockets of Izuku’s jeans and pushing his knee further between his legs. He was slightly taller, but that didn’t seem to matter. It wasn’t stopping him from allowing Izuku to make a mess of him in a public bathroom.
Katsuki couldn’t tell if his heart was beating too quickly or not at all. He was unaware if this was just another nightmare or if he’d fallen into hell. Because of course that would be his own personal hell - having to watch Izuku tongue fuck a guys mouth who looked uncomfortably similiar to Katsuki only to know that’s as close as he’ll ever get to it.
When Izuku’s mouth shifted to biting at the man’s neck, Katsuki’s position in the doorway was finally noticed. Even in the dull lighting of the bathroom, Katsuki could make out the flush on the man’s face and the lips swollen from Izuku’s teeth. The lips then quirked into a smirk as he made eye contact with Katsuki and grinded himself onto Izuku’s thigh.
Katsuki stumbled backwards out of the bathroom and out of the bar as his stomach turned painfully inside him. Nausea bit at his throat with each step. Each blink was showing Izuku pressed into someone else. Each breath was a reminder of his gratitude .
A hand pulled at his wrist when he was five steps out of the bar. His breath finally came back to him when the realization that the hand that held him was not the one littered with scars. Kyouka’s other hand patted at his face to get him to focus on her, but his eyes kept flicking to the door. The glass windows. The flickering street light above them that would make him visible to anyone who was still inside.
She was speaking to him. He could tell that much - but that didn’t make it any easier to understand what she was saying. He figured it was his name or some questions about his current state of being. His brain struggled to find the answers to either.
There was a flash of green that he noticed through the bar window that had his eyes snapping back to Kyo’s face.
“Go. Can we go?”
His voice was rushed and desperate as he struggled to get his words to work. If it was anyone besides Kyouka holding him, he probably would have bitten off his tongue in his attempt. Her grip on his wrist loosened as she rubbed a thumb over his cheek. A solid breath finally left him as he leaned into her touch.
“Yeah. Let’s go, Katsuki.”
They walked slowly with their arms interlocked all the way back to her apartment. Even when they stopped in the corner store, he didn’t increase the space between them. It wasn’t until he was pushed into the corner of her bed with the old Charizard plush he bought her sitting between his legs that he allowed her to stay at arms length.
An ice cream pint and spoon was placed into his hands as she sat across from him. The container was cold against his skin and he could already feel the condensation coating his warm palm. Kyouka kicking his shin finally got him to take off the top and dig his spoon in.
They sat in silence as they both ate away at their dessert. At least until Kyouka decided enough time had passed.
“So, what spooked ya? Haven’t seen you like that in a minute.”
The image of Izuku sucking off a random man’s face flashed in his head. The movement of his jaw as he worked open the other man’s mouth and the press of his knee between someone else’s legs made Katsuki’s throat tighten. There was nothing messy about the kiss. Everything Izuku did showed experience and confidence.
It was no surprise to Katsuki that Izuku would be popular once he got to college. There was probably a line of people looking to shoot their shot with the hero of Japan. That didn’t make the fact that Izuku got laid enough to comfortably make out with a guy in a bar restroom any easier to stomach.
“Nothing.”
“You’re such a shit liar.”
“Fuck off. It’s nothing, just a panic attack.”
“Triggered by nothing?”
“Yep.”
Kyouka stared at him with a blank face, “So this wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that I saw Midoriya leaving the bathroom with his hand around some guy’s waist when I chased after you?”
Katsuki’s shoulders pushed up to his ears as he sank further back into the bed. He gave a pout before stuffing another spoonful of ice cream into his mouth as an answer. Kyouka sighed and pushed him again with her foot.
“You can’t avoid it forever.”
“I’m not avoiding shit.”
She stared at him blankly before smacking him on the head. He remembered cursing at her and saying she had no idea what she was talking about. Kyo knew though. She always did. She always has.
“Ignoring Midoriya won’t make you love him any less. This is killing you, Katsuki. ”
The chilli ice cream suddenly tasted bitter against his tongue.
Love. He hadn’t thought of that word in a long time. He was well aware that the feelings he had for Izuku couldn’t be defined by a word as simple as ‘ love’ but it was the easiest conclusion to come to. He’s known he’s loved Izuku since two months post war. It wasn’t an easy realization and it certainly wasn’t painless.
Katsuki had always read about love being this warm feeling that fills someone’s body. Love should make him feel light on his feet and dizzy with affection. No one told him love was bitter and cruel. He wasn’t prepared for the rage that popped in his palms whenever Icyhot ran his knuckles across Izuku’s temples. He didn’t expect the drowning sensation that burned in his lungs whenever Cheeks pulled him into a hug.
Love made Katsuki selfish. He wanted nothing more than to lock a cuff around Izuku’s wrist and always keep him at his side. He had thought for a while that there may have even been a chance for something. It was after his isolation and Izuku was so fucking clingy. They probably weren’t farther than five feet from each other for months after that.
Wherever Katsuki went, Izuku was at his heels. There was always a spark of conversation between them. It never had to be anything of substance, but he had found a deep comfort in Izuku’s voice. Whenever the nerd would fall into another muttering spree, Katsuki found himself attempting to pick up every word. It didn’t matter what Izuku was talking about - Katsuki wanted to know. He wanted to hear and understand even if he wouldn’t provide anything but a jest in return.
Then it just stopped. Katsuki drifted back towards Eijirou and Kyouka and Izuku didn’t follow after. Izuku, who was attached to his side for months, was sitting with his old group at lunch again. And studying with Todoroki instead. Or going on grocery runs with Uraraka.
Katsuki was the one who took that first step back in order to protect his heart, but Izuku showed no hesitance in taking his own.The two of them still talked - still existed in the same space - but a line had been made that they both stood awkwardly on either side of.
It didn’t matter though. This was reality. Katsuki’s current life was one without Izuku in it.
It’s better for both of us continued to blare in his head as he glared at his best friend. Katsuki allowed the drift to occur and furthered it himself. Izuku was clearly living his best life if he’s hooking up with random guys in bars, right? Obviously this was the right choice.
Katsuki will continue to tell himself that this is the right choice. Izuku would have reached out if he actually wanted them to stay in contact, anyways. That’s the type of guy he is.
“He clearly isn’t missing me so what’s the fucking point? It’s better this way.”
Kyouka’s head fell back with a groan. She made quotations in the air with her hand free of the ice cream ,”’ Better this way’ Says who? You? Mr. Self Deprecation with a bachelor's degree in sabotaging your own life and happiness?”
“If you’re trying to get me to text him when he’s probably balls deep in that twink from the bar you’re out of your mind. Hard pass.”
Katsuki dropped the half eaten pint onto the bedside table and pulled the Charizard closer to his chest. Last thing Izuku needed when getting his dick wet was for Katsuki to randomly text him. What the hell would he even say? ‘ Hey I know I’ve left you on read for four months but I saw you making out with someone who looks uncomfortably similar to me. Is there a reason for that or am I just so hopelessly in love with you that I’m trying to find any semblance of a chance I have left?’
Katsuki pressed his face into Charizard’s back with a groan.
“I’ve never met someone so adamant on staying miserable.”
He rolled his eyes against the plush even if Kyouka couldn’t see him doing it.
“I’m not adamant and I’m not miserable. I’m the great war hero who is grateful for being alive despite the only future I had planned for myself no longer being a possibility. I’ve got a barely working right arm and a heart that can decide at any moment if I’m gonna fall flat on my ass. What’s there not to love about myself?”
Silence fell between them as Kyouka continued to glare. After a solid thirty seconds, Katsuki finally pulled his face out of the Charizard to return it. Her bottom lip was pouted as the spoon sat on her tongue. Pulling it from her mouth, she pointed it at him with furrowed brows. “That’s it. I’m getting you a fucking hobby.”
“The fuck?”
“No more of this.” Kyo waved her hands around Katsuki’s body dramatically, “You are completely losing yourself locked in your apartment because you’re not doing shit all day. When was the last time you went outside without me or Ei dragging you?”
The top of Katsuki’s ears burned as he kept his gaze averted. “I go on walks sometimes.”
“To the doctor’s office doesn’t count. Or the grocery store. Or any of your necessities.”
Katsuki dropped his head against the Charizard for support as he groaned.
“See? So I’m gonna pick stuff for you to do and you’re gonna try it for a week and if you don’t like it we move to the next.”
“That’s fucking stupid.”
“Don’t care, don't ask. I’m starting you off with puzzles.”
“...Puzzles?”
“Yes. I’m gonna buy you a one thousand piece puzzle and you’re gonna do it as you listen to an audio book or watch an anime or something. You’re going to be in charge of buying yourself a new one once it’s finished.”
“And are you going to fucking watch me as I do it?”
“I will be asking for updates and if you don’t send me any I will be sad. You know how I get when I’m sad.”
Katsuki was reminded of the time Kyouka saw Denki kissing a random girl at a club when they all went out a few months ago. Well, not all. Katsuki was home in his apartment rewatching Haikyuu for the eighth time when Kyouka called him.
She was drunkenly sobbing to him over the phone about how she missed her chance and there’s no way he was interested in her. Katsuki had to pull himself out of his bed and take a train to meet her outside the club and bring her home because she didn’t want to talk to anyone else.
Kyouka is needy as hell when she’s drunk and even worse when she's sad. The combination wasn’t great. She spent three nights sick at his apartment from the heartbreak she’d given herself. It took Denki literally having to show up and confess in Katsuki’s doorway for her to go back to normal.
If Katsuki was the reason she was sad, she’d probably drown his phone in texts of crying cats to guilt trip him into sending puzzle updates. He’d rather avoid that.
“Don’t fucking remind me.”
“So deal?”
He let out a dramatic sigh and held out his left fist.
“...Fucking fine. Deal. But I’m still not texting Izuku.”
She finally smiled with his agreement and bumped their knuckles together.
“One battle at a time, Katsuki.”
____
The puzzles had worked for a while. A solid six months, actually. There was something about getting up each day to sit at his kitchen table that he previously never used to put together a giant picture. The first puzzle was a garden scene with hidden cats. The pieces were all very similar to each other and he remembered staring at the ceiling for a solid minute as he contemplated his life before starting.
He fell into a routine quickly. As he focused on how the pieces snapped together and the slowly forming picture, he took in the audio book that played in his headphones. It was some fantasy novel that he no longer remembers the name of. It was light hearted and the bickering between the two main characters had him smiling as he recalled fond memories. He didn’t let himself dig deeper into them.
After the first puzzle, he ended up working on smaller ones. Finishing a puzzle quicker gave him an excuse to walk down the block in the nice summer weather more often. He still couldn’t find the energy to cut his hair, so it was almost always pulled back in a mess of a ponytail or tucked under a baseball cap.
Along with the frequent puzzle updates he provided Kyouka, she also began demanding meal updates. And if he took his meds. And if he did his physical therapy for the day. And if he found the energy to take a shower. If he did his shot. Katsuki expected himself to be annoyed at the constant dinging of his phone and the demands for insight on his life.
He didn’t plan on smiling each time a message showed up on his screen. He found himself planning out proper meals so there would be better photos to send her. Or setting alarms on his phone so he could take his meds before she even texted so she’d say she was proud of him. It was nice to know that he could still make someone proud by just taking care of himself. For the first time since Recovery Girl first changed his life, he felt grateful that he was still in it.
Then everything just...stopped. It wasn’t Kyouka. She still continued to pester him for updates which he gave to her. Maybe it was the change in the weather. It was a cold winter that year that had him sleeping in heavy sweats and hoodies to keep himself warm because he still refused to dip under the covers.
It was dark more often than light now, and even during the day the skies were gray and dull. The warmth he had found comfort in when walking down the street was no longer there. Instead all that greeted him was the harsh wind against his cheeks and the cold biting the tips of his ears.
The last time he checked out with his puzzles before the event, he was already tethering on the edge. He couldn’t find the energy to pull his hair back, so it laid messily just below his collarbones. He had kept his head down the entire time he was shopping and struggled to look the cashier in the eye. He offered nods and shakes as he was asked mundane customer service questions that he didn’t remember. Then came the ending.
“Have a nice day, Ma’am.”
Katsuki felt his entire body still. His eyes shot up to look at the employee who was staring at him with confusion as he continued to hold the bag out between them.
“Ma’am?"
His hand moved to grab the plastic. He used more force than was needed which left the employee rubbing his hand after the fact. It wasn’t his fault. It’s a simple mistake. He didn’t know. He couldn’t tell.
Katsuki stumbled out of the door and did his best not to trip over his feet on the way back to his apartment. He dropped the puzzle that would never be completed onto the counter and made his way to the bathroom. He tore the bedsheet off the mirror for the first time in months.
He didn’t know who was looking back at him. Katsuki Bakugou doesn’t look like that. Katsuki’s hair is messy and jagged and ends just below his ears. Katsuki’s jawline and eyes are strong and confident. Katsuki’s skin is clear and his posture is tall and intimidating. Katsuki is going to be the number one hero someday and everything about his being screams that.
This…this imposter can’t possibly be him. Sure this person’s hair is blonde but there’s no organization to the mess. Clumps of hair just stick together and go past his shoulders. Katsuki would never allow his hair to get that long. Never.
This person’s eyes were sunken and round. Katsuki doesn’t have round eyes. His irises are also a bright red! These-! These are so muted! This person’s acne has more saturation! This person’s skin is so…so sickly! Katsuki would never let himself look like this! Much less go outside and have others see him like this! It can’t-
Katsuki raised his hand and watched as it was reflected in the mirror. The frustrated tears that fell down his cheeks dripped at the same speed as the ‘ imposter’ . The reflection was both him and a stranger at the same time and he felt like his brain was going to split to match. He had to get himself back to normal. He needed familiarity. He needed something.
Katsuki ripped open the cabinet next to the mirror and rummaged for a discarded pair of scissors. Taking hold on all his hair under his ears, he attempted to cut through the mess that had gathered on his head. Whether it was because his hair was too knotted from lack of care or the rust that had formed and dulled the scissors, the hair wouldn’t cut.
His face twisted into a grimace as his eyes burned even further. He gripped his hair tighter and forced the scissors deeper into the tangle of blonde only for nothing to happen. All he did was pull against his scalp and cause more tears to fall down his face from the pain. He threw the scissors in the sink and balled his hair into his fist.
For the first time in months he activated his quirk.
Burning hair isn’t a pleasant smell. It was like Katsuki had forced his nose into a pool of boiled rotten eggs and expired milk. He gagged as the scent and smoke filled his lungs and heaved over the sink. He tore clumsily at the ends of his hair to remove the dead strands. Blackened, matted pieces fell onto the tile around him and into the folds of his hoodie. Unable to deal with the texture of dead hair trapped against his back, he pulled the hoodie off and threw it to the side.
One look at his reflection had him vomiting bile into the sink.
That thing in the mirror couldn’t be him. He’s too scrawny. There’s no muscle mass. The waist is too small and feminine. He should be looking at Katsuki Bakugou - not. Not her. Though maybe he hadn’t been him in a long time. How long had he been co-existing with this stranger?
His left fist slammed into the mirror. He could feel the glass cut into his knuckles but that didn’t stop him from adding another punch. And another. And another. Until pieces of glass decorated the sink and the reflection of the thing was speckled and bloodied.
Katsuki’s legs were weak beneath him; his wobbling hands resting on the counter being the only thing that was able to keep him up right. The world around him sounded like he was underwater. He could barely breathe; drowning on the air that couldn’t find its way into his lungs. His legs gave way as he fell onto the tile.
His head fell against the sink cabinet as his vision blurred. His heart wasn’t beating correctly. He could tell that much. He should probably call someone. If he could move. But he’s just so tired. He could shut his eyes for a few minutes and get to his phone afterwards.
A vibration next to his bloodied fist forced his eyes to stay open. His fingers pushed their way into the pocket of his discarded hoodie and pulled out the phone that sat inside. There were a series of messages from the old class 3A group chat. It would spark up every now and then, not that Katsuki ever bothered to read it.
Izuku being shown on the screen had him opening the chat.
There was a slew of congratulations at something Katsuki had to scroll up to find the reason for. It was just a photo and a single sentence, yet it served as a final rock to be pulled away from his dam.
Izuku was kissing Todoroki’s cheek. The half and half bastard was smiling softly as a blush ran across his nose.
Only took three years! Read Izuku’s text.
Katsuki’s phone exploded in his palm.
___
The rain was heavy as it soaked into Katsuki’s hoodie. His eyes stayed focused on the sidewalk as he avoided the snow that melted into sludge and the black ice that he could just barely see.
A letter was left on his made bed in a simple white envelope addressed to no one. When his apartment is searched for clues after his body is found, it’ll be there waiting for them. He didn’t know if he would rather a family member find it first or the police.
The letter would give the password for this laptop that’s already open to the folder of videos he’s recorded. There’s four in total, each around fifteen to twenty minutes long and dedicated to those he can’t bring himself to say goodbye to in person. They weren’t easy to make. He had to restart and pause countless times, but they’re complete.
Katsuki was a coward, but he had been one for a long time. Maybe he always had been. Weak and a fallen symbol of victory who couldn’t even tell his mom he loves her one last time. Huh. He didn’t remember the last time he even did say it to her. At least she would have it on recording.
There were no cars passing by as he walked. He wasn’t surprised at the time. It was currently the worst storm they’ve had that winter. The rain was closer to hail and would no doubt be leaving bruises against his skin. Not that he would’ve been around to deal with the welts that were forming anyways.
The bridge was high above the raging waters beneath him. Even through the hail and clouded moonlight, Katsuki could make out the shapes of the rocks that poked over the flood. It should been quick as long as he fell head first.
He closed his eyes and just stood at the edge. It’s strange how a decision to end his life suddenly made it easier to live. He cleaned his apartment. He did his laundry and properly folded his clothes. All perishable foods were tossed at garbage day the day prior so no one would need to deal with the rot.
He did manage to text Kyouka and Eijirou that day though through his barely working phone. Just a cat video he found. They sent two back in reply. He let himself smile at the simplicity of it for a final time. He told them to be careful if they’re patrolling in this weather. They asked where the real Katsuki went. He told them to shut up to avoid the answer, because the truth is he doesn’t know. He hadn’t known for a while. He did a final small explosion in his palm and tossed the smoking phone in the trash.
When he opened his eyes again, he found himself glancing back down at the water. He couldn’t tell you why. He already knew what he was there to do and confirmed that everything would work. But his eyes still wandered.
And they landed on her.
Katsuki wasn’t sure what he was looking at at first, but he could tell there was a commotion on the rocks that wasn’t the result of passing waves. Then he heard the cry over the rushing water and hail and he was carefully making his way off the side of the bridge and down to the river’s edge.
Through the storm he could see a cat shaking on the largest rock. Her claws were locked onto a fallen branch as she did her best to stay upright and out of the water. Katsuki couldn’t tell if she was crying from pain or pure fear, but it didn’t matter. He immediately jumped into the water and used the rocks as a guide to get to her.
She bared her teeth at him and hissed through the wind when he got in arms reach. “Hey there…I’m gonna get you out of here, okay? I’m not gonna hurt you.” Katsuki couldn’t tell if he was speaking to the cat or himself at that moment.
He reached his hands out towards her slowly as she tried to sink further into herself. When his fingers were about to graze her fur, her paw left the branch to scratch at his skin. He let out a curse as the open cuts immediately stung when combined with the wind and freezing rain.
“Not gonna make this easy for me, are ya brat?”
With another rush of water, the loose branch that the cat was gripping onto suddenly dislodged from between the rocks. Katsuki reached forward as her eyes widened in terror and gripped her from the back of the neck. She dropped the branch in favor of digging her claws into his arm as he held her tightly against his chest. She continued to thrash against him and dig her claws deeper as she attempted to escape to somewhere safe.
“You’re going to be okay. I promise.”
Whether she actually understood him, he would never know. But she stopped struggling against his hold after he finished speaking. Katsuki held her closer to his chest as he waded his way past the rocks and back onto the shoreline. A chill ran to his bones from the river and rain water soaked completely through his clothes. That was irrelevant though. He had been through worse. This cat needed help and warmth as soon as she could get it.
With no phone, he had no way of looking up a nearby vet. It was already well into the night and he doubted a standard vet would even be open. His eyes scanned down the street after climbing back up to the road for any type of sign.
Maybe it was just luck that a twenty four hour emergency vet was so close to the bridge. Katsuki could see the bright white and red sign flickering down the block and took off into a dead sprint towards it. He used his arms to shield as much of the cat as possible from the storm. All the while he continued to whisper promises that he wasn’t sure he would be able to keep.
He kicked open the door to the vet in his haste. The woman behind the reception desk jumped in surprise at the sudden intrusion. Though one look at what must have been the disaster that presented itself on his face had her rushing over.
“What happened?”
“I found her in the river clutching onto a branch. I don't know if she’s hurt or just scared and cold but I didn’t know where else to take her-” Katsuki’s voice came out rushed and scattered as he spoke through chattering teeth. He flinched when the woman’s hand rested on his shoulder.
“Hey. You made the right choice bringing her here. Let us take a look at her, okay?”
He finally made eye contact with her and gave a curt nod. The woman’s face was filled with concern and a million questions probably pressed against the back of her teeth, but she kept them to herself.
“Okay. I don’t know if she’ll let go though she’s uh. Kind of locked on me.”
The woman glanced down at the cat wrapped tightly into Katsuki’s chest and let out a small huff. She squeezed his shoulder and nodded her head to a nearby door. “We’ll get you both warmed up and dry. Come on.”
Katsuki bit his inner lip as he nodded. The vet tech brought them into a side room for the examination. From a cabinet, she took out a few towels and slowly tried to approach the cat still clinging to Katsuki’s chest. The moment the fabric touched her fur a loud hiss left her and she dug her claws further into his skin. Katsuki winced from the pain.
“I’m going to give her a sedative to calm her down. It won’t knock her out, but it’ll make this situation a lot easier and less dangerous for everyone involved.”
“Okay.”
The tech dug around on the nearby counter for what she needed. After a minute, she was back at his side with a needle.
“Hold her steady, okay?”
Katsuki tightened his grip on the cat as the needle was poked into the muscle of her back leg. She hissed from the intrusion, but her grip on Katsuki’s body quickly began to relax until her claws retracted back into her paws.
The woman held out a towel for Katsuki to place the cat into. She was still awake but drowsy. Seeing her limp body being ruffled by the towel made Katsuki’s heart ache. The wet towel was discarded for a dry one that was then wrapped snugly around the cat. The tech offered him a smile as she walked towards the door.
“We should have some spare scrubs that I can give you. I’ll be right back after I give her to the vet, alright?”
Katsuki could only give a numb nod in reply. The moment the tech left to bring her to a different room, Katsuki collapsed onto the floor. He could barely feel his legs after running there and was using his adrenaline to keep him upright. His heart beat painfully in his chest as his breathing came to him in short bursts.
With no cat to hold, his body no longer had a reason to stay standing. He shivered against the cold tile of the examination room as his wet pants pressed closer into himself. He had never been that cold. Even when his chest cavity was punched open in The Coffin, he had never felt that hollow .
His brain was screaming and silent all at once. What was he meant to do now? Go back to the bridge? He doesn’t have any real connection to the cat but he couldn’t just leave her. Fuck, he didn’t plan on ever going back to his apartment. Now, he’s covered in bruises and he couldn’t tell if the liquid rolling down his arms and torso was blood or river water. He shouldn’t have even been alive.
The door opening had his head raising up. The same tech from before was holding a bundle of fabric in her arms. She gave a sad smile in his direction as she placed the bundle onto the examination table.
“I brought you some scrubs, socks, and some more towels.”
“Thanks.”
His voice was hollow and rasp as it left his throat. It didn’t sound like it belonged to him. Though, he had accepted the past few days that nothing about himself belonged to him anymore.
“There’s also antiseptic and bandages for the cuts that she left you. Please clean them properly. River water and a stray cat's claws definitely aren’t the best for an open wound.”
“Right.”
Katsuki made no attempt to move from his spot. He could see the tech shift on her feet as she debated leaving the room.
“I used to be a nurse before I worked with animals. So I’ve seen it all, ya know? Anything you could think of. So I’m not going to ask why you were in a river at midnight during the worst storm of the winter. Not my business. But know that you did good saving her. You’re her hero. As she is getting cared for, you should be too.”
Katsuki’s eyes widened as he looked up at her.
You’re her hero. He never thought he would hear the word sent in his direction ever again. He was a hero? To a cat? He could still be a hero without the use of his quirk or a costume? He could still save? Help? Be something?
His tongue was dry in his mouth as he blinked at her instead of responding. He definitely looked insane. His hood had fallen as he sat down and his mess of burnt, choppy hair was on full display. He wouldn’t be surprised if his lips were blue and the skin under his eyes were dark purple. He probably looked like a walking corpse.
For the first time in a long time, Katsuki wanted to feel alive again. He was weak and a coward and far from a true hero, but he can become strong again. For her. For himself. He knew it wouldn’t be possible for him to do it on his own right now, though.
“As she is getting cared for, you should be too.”
When was the last time Katsuki allowed himself to be cared for?
“Do you need help getting changed?”
He shook his head.
“..No. No but do you have a phone I could use?”
Eijirou was at the vet and crouching in front of him in less than fifteen minutes. A tote bag hung over his shoulder as his hands hovered between them. His eyes were distraught as he looked at Katsuki who still hadn’t pulled himself up from the floor of the examination room.
“What do you need from me bro?”
His voice was softer than Katsuki had ever heard it and it broke whatever remaining strength he had left. How could he say he needed everything? Help? Care? Love? Acknowledgment that he’s alive and breathing and not still at the edge of that fucking bridge?
He could feel the tears that fell from the corners of his eyes and the congestion that was pooling in his nose. He was definitely getting sick after tonight.
“Can…fuck.” Katsuki’s voice cracked as he attempted to speak. He rubbed his damp sleeve over his eyes, “Just, help me change. Please.”
“Yeah. Yeah I got you man. C’mon.”
Katsuki has never been undressed by someone before. Not since he was a toddler as his mom got him ready for a bath or sleep, anyways. As he got older, he always expected this type of scene to be one that leads to something intimate. Someone would take off his shirt and rub their hands across his scars and bring him into a kiss. He would feel warm, loved, desired.
This was nothing like that.
Eijirou tugged the hoodie off gently. The fabric pulled against Katsuki’s skin from the rain water and irritated the cuts that lingered underneath. Katsuki had been through worse. He had died. Yet this small pull had a sob fall from his throat.
“I got ya buddy. You’re safe.”
Safe repeated in Katsuki’s head as the sweatshirt fell to the floor and his naked torso was shown towards the man who had become his brother. Eijirou’s breath caught in his throat at the sight and Katsuki’s eyes glared at the tile floor in shame. He hadn't seen him shirtless since UA. He had lost so much since then. Eijirou probably thought he was disgusting, a failure-
“That cat did a number on ya, huh buddy?”
Katsuki’s eyes raised from the floor to look at his friend. No comment on his thin figure. No questioning as to why he had become this way. Just the current pressing issue. His lips twitched into a small smile.
“Yeah. Feisty shit.”
Eijirou matched his smile and dropped a towel over his head.
“Pants or hair. Pick.”
“...Pants. I never wanna see ya at waist level.”
“Fair enough.”
The towel on his head was ruffled by Ei’s hands as he pulled off his pants and boxers. Another towel was pushed at his waist for him to dry his lower half. His friend’s hands fell away to pull out a clean pair of boxers and sweats from the tote bag and hand them over.
“They might be a bit big, sorry bro.”
“Better than going commando in scrubs. Thanks.”
A hand clapped lightly on his shoulder as he pulled on the underwear and pants. He bit the inside of his lip at the realization that Eijirou had never touched him so gently.
“Don’t gotta thank me for anything man. You know I’m always here for you.” Katsuki paused after tying the waist band. Always here for you. He ignored the burn in his eyes as he knocked his wrist against Eijirou’s forearm.
“Just accept my thanks. Please.” His voice was soft and desperate. Weak repeated in his head as he avoided looking at his friend’s face. The hand on his shoulder gave a squeeze in acknowledgment before falling away.
“Alright alright. You’re welcome. Now let's see these cuts.”
Katsuki sat on a nearby stool as Eijirou looked over the marks left by the cat. There were thin cuts down his left arm and a few punctures in his torso. The antiseptic made him wince from the pinching sensation. God, when did his pain tolerance get so low?
Eijirou made quick work of cleaning the wounds and soon Katsuki was wrapped in gauze and throwing a crew neck over his head. He pushed on a pair of socks that didn’t match and stepped into an old pair of boots he left at Ei’s house months ago. They were a bit tight due to the swelling around his ankles, but it was better than the rain soaked sneakers that currently sat in the corner of the room.
He used to be the same size as Ei back in UA. Since graduation, Eijirou had only continued to bulk up as Katsuki wasted away in the prison of his own skin. The clothes weighed heavily on his bones from just another realization of how far he had fallen - as if almost killing himself an hour before wasn’t enough of a sign.
“You good?”
Katsuki finally looked at his friend’s face. There was deep concern etched into his brow and the smile on his lips was forced and nervous. He was stressed and pained at Katsuki’s state, but he still wouldn’t push. He’d let Katsuki go at his own pace. He always had.
“Let’s just check on the cat, okay?”
Eijirou gave him a small smile and patted him on the back as they left the room. They entered the waiting room at the same time as the tech. She was rubbing a fresh bandage over the back of her hand with a grimace on her face. It fell as soon as she saw the two of them.
“All cleaned up?”
Eijirou placed one hand on his forehead in salute and smiled brightly at her. “Yes ma’am! Here are the scrubs. Thanks for offering ‘em to him.”
“Anything for that little girl’s hero.”
Eijirou smiled at the wording and knocked his elbow into Katsuki’s bicep. The blonde shrugged him off and looked down at the tech. “How is she?”
The woman hummed before replying. “Dehydrated and malnutritioned, but that’s to be expected of a stray. I took some blood to check for any diseases so we’ll have to wait for that to come back, but she has no broken bones and is stable for right now. Only seems to be about a year or two old. Still got a lot of fight in her. Smacked me good the moment she was back to being coherent.”
“What’s gonna happen to her now?”
A frown pulled on her lips.
“Well, we’ll keep her for observation until the tests are back since she has nowhere to go. Once we know she’s good we’ll try to find a no kill shelter to hand her off to. Though, with it being early January a lot of them are overflowing and can’t take on anyone new. Lots of people like to return cats they get as a Christmas gift for being too ‘feisty’ and not the perfect lap cat of their dreams. Ya know?”
Katsuki felt his heart rate begin to increase in his chest as his head swirled. A large hand wrapping around his wrist kept him standing up right. “And if they’re full, what then?”
“She’ll go to where we can find. They usually keep any new strays for a month or so in hopes they get adopted, but with her temper..”
Katsuki felt bile fill his throat at the implication. His face twisted into a scowl as his voice raised with his anger. “They’ll fucking kill her? If no one adopts her in a month they’ll kill her?”
“Katsuki-”
Katsuki shook his hand out of Eijirou’s hold. “No. Fuck that. Give her to me.”
“Sir-”
“She doesn’t deserve to die just because she’s scared and no one is willing to give her the chance to feel safe. I’m fucking taking her. This isn’t up for debate.”
His chest heaved as he tried to get air back into his lungs after his outbreak. He swayed on his feet; his head felt like it was submerged in water that was slowly increasing in pressure. The world felt still and silent around him.
She couldn’t die. She was just fighting for her life and was terrified of the world around her. She doesn’t deserve to die, she was just a kid. She fought so hard to make it out of that river. She deserves to be held and loved and cherished and cared for.
Katsuki placed his forefingers over his wrist.
He was just a kid. He didn’t deserve to die. He fought so hard to make it out of that war. He deserves to be held and loved and cherished and cared for. How did it take almost dying again for him to realize?
The vet tech let out a huff and smiled at him.
“...Alright Mr. Hero. Give me your contact info so we can call you when she’s ready to be picked up. It’ll probably be the end of the week.”
Katsuki nodded and followed her over to the reception desk. He filled out a few forms but paused when he got to the contact. “My uh..phone is broken. Ei can I put your number?”
“For sure! I’m gonna be her cool uncle.”
“Don’t you have to be cool first in order to be the cool uncle?”
“Hey! I’m cool! Super cool!”
“Uh huh.”
The tech laughed at their banter as she pulled the completed forms back in front of her. “I’m sure she’ll love you once she gets comfortable. Be safe getting home, alright? You got someone waiting for you.”
“Right. Goodnight.”
“See ya!”
The vet tech gave a small wave in goodbye before the two stepped outside. The rain had stopped while they were inside, so they didn’t need to rush to get into Eijirou’s car. The world was quiet as Katsuki settled into the leather seats. His eyes suddenly felt heavier than his limbs.
The driver’s side door clicked open and closed as Eijirou sat behind the wheel. He didn’t speak as he turned on the engine and let the sounds of the radio station fill the car. The tension in the air was suffocating, but Katsuki had no plan on cutting into it.
“You’re coming over. No arguing.”
Eijirou’s voice was stern as he pulled out from in front of the vet. Katsuki let his silence work as his reply. His eyes fluttered shut for just a moment, but when he opened them again they were parked and Eijirou was shaking his thigh.
The walk from the parking garage to his apartment was slow to match Katsuki’s lack of energy. He stumbled over his feet as he kicked off his boots in the genkan. Eijirou held his arm for support that he didn’t ask for. He didn't push away his hold.
Katsuki allowed himself to be led into Eijirou’s bedroom. It was as messy as he remembered it to be. Drawers were barely closed as they were stuffed to the brim with clothing he refused to get rid of despite it not fitting him anymore. Posters of his favorite heroes and super models he likes were still up on the walls. His bed wasn’t made. It never was. Still, he made sure to pull the blankets to the side so Katsuki could lay directly on the bed sheet.
Katsuki slowly laid himself down on the bed as Eijirou got onto the other side. The moment his head hit the pillow, everything around him just stopped.
The scent of Eijirou’s shampoo washed over him. The sheet beneath him was still warm from where he was laying an hour earlier. Katsuki could feel the mattress move with each breath that Ei took. He was laying in his best friend’s clothes and warm despite the earlier event.
He was safe. He was loved. He was cared for. A sniffle from his oncoming cold broke the tension first.
“Katsuki-”
“I almost killed myself tonight.”
The words were heavy in the air between them. Katsuki couldn’t turn his head to look at the expression on his friend’s face. He wouldn’t be able to continue talking if he had to look him in the eyes.
“There’s a letter on my pillow. I made a recording for you, Kyouka, my parents, and Izuku. They’re just sitting on my laptop waiting to be played. I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye to you in person, so I left a recording. I decided on doing it today during the storm because I knew there wouldn’t be any people out and it would stop me from changing my mind at the last second. I was literally on the edge of the bridge I was about to go but then I saw the cat and -”
Katsuki’s voice caught in his throat as a cry left him. He could hear the sniffling from the man to his right but kept his eyes fixated on the ceiling.
“She was so small and scared and she just needed help and my body was moving on its own. I’ve been feel so fucking lost and empty since graduation and not being able to be a hero that I didn’t think it was possible to ever be something of worth again. But there’s probably so many cats out there just like her, right? Scared and hurt and no one is willing to help because they might get scratched and -”
“You want to be a hero to them, right? Like you needed someone to be for you?”
“Ei-”
Katsuki’s response was cut off by being pulled into Eijirou’s chest. With his cheek pressing against his neck, the warmth from one of the most important people in his life burnt through the last strings of his stability.
His fists gripped at Eijirou’s back as he tried to get desperately closer to him; his sobs cutting through the space between them. He couldn’t tell if the wetness on his skin was from his own tears or Ei’s, but he didn’t have the energy to figure it out.
“I’ve got you. We’re going to get you help, okay? You’re not dealing with this alone. Not anymore.”
Katsuki could only nod weakly as he continued to cry. Even as his throat became rough from the strain and his tears ran out, he didn’t pull away from Eijirou. He fell asleep with his arms still clutching his best friend’s shirt in fear that if he let go he would be back above that river.
_____
Katsuki sat in front of the mirror of Eijirou’s bathroom with a frown. The yellow lighting was bright above his head and pointed out every imperfection on his face. His friend stood behind him with an electric hair clipper and a smile too large to be comfortable. He clapped his free hand over Katsuki’s shoulder.
“Alright! Hair holds memories, so to start fresh we’re getting rid of it! Honestly there’s no way to save this mess ya got going on anyways.”
Eijirou lightly pulled at a piece of burnt hair that still clung to Katsuki’s temple. He winced and waved to knock his best friend’s hand away. It was EIjirou’s idea to properly cut Katsuki’s hair. He just offered it up that morning over breakfast. Wasn’t demanding or even insinuating. Just a suggestion that Katsuki could agree to if he wanted.
He had taken the ends of his hair between his fingers and pulled away with dead strands in his palm. He let out a ‘Fuck it. Why not.’ and is now dealing with the consequences.
Katsuki isn’t dreading it persay, but Ei has never been one to be known for the most uh…normal hair styles. Then again, there isn’t much that can be done to save Katsuki’s hair in its current state, so, buzz cut it is.
“Just make it even.”
Ei knocked a fist into his chest as he stood proudly behind Katsuki, “Of course! Trust me bro. Just close your eyes and relax to the sound of razor blades clipping at your neck.”
Katsuki glared at him through the mirror. “Not helping.”
“Sorry! Trying to lighten the mood!”
“Just start before I change my mind.”
“Roger! I got ya, alright?”
“Yeah.”
Katsuki took a final look at his appearance in the mirror before closing his eyes. He kept his posture still as Eijirou ran the clippers over his head. He promised he wouldn’t make him bald at least, but he’s never exactly had a buzz cut. What if his head is shaped weird or something?
Though, anything would be better than the current burnt, matted mess on his head. Ei was precise and quick as he cut and shaped Katsuki's hair. It was probably less than fifteen minutes by the time he clapped Katsuki on the back and told him to open his eyes.
Katsuki was silent as he stared at his new appearance. He ran his bruised hand over his head and found himself smiling at the fuzzy feeling beneath his palm. His hair was still in desperate need of being washed, but it was a fresh start - a clean slate for his new dream to build on top of.
Ei had even sharpened the edges of his sideburns and around his ears. It made his sharp cheekbones and jaw more defined. He looked and felt masculine - he felt like Katsuki. He titled his fist up for a bump that Eijirou immediately indulged him in.
“Not bad, shitty hair. You got a knack for this thing.”
“Thank you! How do ya feel?”
Katsuki’s smile met his eyes for the first time in a long time. “Good. I feel good.”
“Good! Now get your ass in that shower! You stink!”
The smile fell from his face as he whipped his head around. “I don’t stink-”
“Right. You reek! Oh man I gotta hold my nose-” Eijirou pinched his nose with one hand as he waved the other back and forth to exaggerate his statement. Katsuki felt a vein bulge under his forehead. He stood up from his seat and pushed his friend in the chest with a scowl.
“Alright! Fucking asshole I’m going!”
Ei’s smile faltered as he nodded towards the shower, “Do you need help, though? I don’t mind.”
“No. I can do this, I think. Just…stay out here?”
Another clap was given to Katsuki’s shoulder, “You got it! I’ll clean up while you do. Hope you’re good with three in one!”
“....And you said I stink.”
“If it works, it works! Saves me money!”
“You’re in the top ten.”
“Irrelevant. Now drop those pants and get in there! Go go go!”
“I’m going!”
Eijirou turned his back to him after shooting another smile to give him privacy. Katsuki was slow and careful when walking over to the shower. He turned the water onto the highest setting and waited for the temperature to rise as he stepped out of Ei’s clothes. He unwrapped the bandages that littered his skin and tossed them into the nearby trash.
The wounds were wrinkled from the disinfection cream, but Katsuki was relieved that there didn’t seem to be any kind of infection. He braced himself for the sting as he stepped under the steaming water.
He hissed behind closed teeth as the water flooded over him. It was pinching against the open wounds on his body, but his skin soon became numb to the hot water. He couldn’t remember the last time he took a proper shower.
Going through the motions was easier than he thought it would be. He would not be telling Ei that it was because of the three in one. Absolutely not.
Ei had a towel stretched out to him once the water was turned off. He dried and dressed himself in fresh clothes and bandages as a comfortable silence sat between them. It was easy, being with Ei. Nothing about Katsuki’s current state was easy or simple to deal with, but his friend didn’t complain. He didn’t question or push or pry any further than Katsuki was willing to give.
He just listened and existed and understood. Katsuki felt grateful that his life was able to coexist with Eijirou’s.
“I love you, ya know?”
Katsuki’s voice was quiet. If it wasn’t for Eijirou’s head immediately whipping around to face him with widened and glossy eyes he would have thought it was too low to hear. His bottom lip quivered before his lips pulled into a beaming smile.
“I know, Katsuki.”
___
Cat supplies are fucking expensive. Well, it probably wouldn’t have been as pricey if Ei didn’t keep throwing in every cute toy he saw into the cart. Katsuki doesn’t know the first thing about owning a pet, but he’s not an idiot. He can figure out the basics and look up the rest online.
Buying all the supplies was the easy part. Actually having to go back to his apartment to place them inside was much, much harder.
The two of them must have stood outside his door for twenty minutes before Katsuki managed to fish his key out and shove it into the lock. He felt nausea climb up his throat as he knocked off his shoes and stepped onto the wooden floor.
Everything was clean to make life easier for whoever was supposed to be responsible for the apartment after he was gone. He wasn’t meant to ever be back here.
“Let's get her room set up! You still have that spare, right?"
Katsuki shook his head free of his thoughts and nodded at his friend. “Yeah. Not much in there besides some clothes and an old couch. It’ll be perfect for her.”
“Sweet! Lead the way!”
Katsuki nodded again, but his feet struggled to move beneath him. To get to the spare room, he would need to walk through his bedroom. His bedroom with the bed made and covers tucked under the mattress and envelope that rested on his pillow. His open computer with the black screen that was waiting to be turned on and the recordings meant to be watched.
A hand rested between his shoulder blades.
“Want me to go first? I’ll even hold your hand if ya want.”
As much as the second sentence was a tease, he knew Eijirou was just a word away from gripping his hand and tugging him along. Katsuki let out a soft breath as he looked up at his friend.
“No, no I can do it. Let’s go.”
Katsuki kept his eyes straight ahead as he walked forward. He wouldn’t allow himself to look away and avoid any longer. He ran his palm over the fuzz of his buzz cut and reminded himself of his new beginning, his fresh start.
He isn’t alone as he stepped into his bedroom; Eijirou is right at his side with a steady hand on his bicep. His eyes immediately fell onto his pillow. The white envelope stood out brightly against the black pillowcase. Nothing was written on the front. Three pages were folded neatly inside.
No one besides him would ever know the contents.
Katsuki walked to his bed and picked the envelope up carefully. It was just a few pieces of paper and some words, yet it was heavy in his palm. The weight of everything that had been resting on his shoulders and slowly eroding him for two years are pierced above each blue line.
He should’ve thrown it out or ripped it up. Fresh start and all that. Yet as he hovered by the empty trash can he couldn't find the will to drop it. He turned towards his dresser and opened his pants drawer. He picked up a few in the back that he had no recent memory of wearing and placed the envelope on the wood. The pants are placed softly above the note before the drawer is shut and Katsuki turned back to Ei.
“You sure?”
Eijirou didn’t need to elaborate for Katsuki to understand all that he was asking. “Yeah. Fresh start but…I can’t toss it. Not yet.”
His friend gave him a strong nod before tilting his head towards the open laptop. “Close it and remove the plug.”
Eijirou didn’t need to be told twice. Honestly, Katsuki was more surprised that he didn’t activate his quirk and break the damn thing. Still, he looked more than satisfied after pushing the laptop to the corner of the desk and turning it around.
“Time to decorate that cat room!”
Katsuki let out a small laugh as he nodded his head; his chest feeling lighter than it did just moments before.
___
The room was quiet as the cat finally stepped out of the carrier. Katsuki had placed it in the corner of the room so she could see the entire space without issue and decide where to go. Ei and him sat on the opposite side with held breaths and a nervous bounce in their legs.
She was slow in her movements - each step careful and unsure in her new home. Katsuki wasn’t expecting her to be comfortable immediately. He knew cats take a while to get used to new environments and with her history, he wouldn’t be surprised if she continues to wack at him for weeks.
So when she carefully approached him and sniffed at his outstretched hand, he fully prepared himself for another cut or hiss. He almost cried when she knocked her head into his palm instead. He was slow as he petted behind her ear and rubbed the underside of her face. Even if she was the one to initiate it, he didn’t want to scare her away from being too rough. Lord knows she’s already dealt with that enough.
Eijirou excitedly shaking next to him is what caused her to narrow her eyes and walk away; a low growl fell from her chest as she turned her head. His friend’s head fell into his hands in defeat. “Hah. She likes me more than you.”
Ei raised his head with eyes glossy from the rejection, “‘Well you saved her life and she’s never met me before! I just need a chance!”
“She already knows you’re going to be the loser uncle so she’s ignoring you.”
“No!!!”
Katsuki huffed out a laugh as he leaned against the wall. The cat had gone back to inspecting the room and all of her new toys. When she stopped in front of the tree tower to knock at a hanging toy bee, a wide smile pulled on Katsuki’s cheeks.
“Have you decided on a name for her yet?”
Katsuki bit the inside of his cheek as he watched the cat jump onto the tower. Her fur was blue-gray, short-haired, and shiny under the light of the sun peaking through the window. Probably due to malnutrition as a kitten, the vet said she only weighed nine pounds. Her bright teal eyes stared into Katsuki’s once she settled on her new bed.
“River Monster.”
“...You can’t be serious.”
Katsuki turned his head to the side to glare at his friend, “Fuck you! She’s a badass who survived that river and she’s kind of blue like water! Also stands up for herself and isn’t afraid to whack people that annoy her. It’s perfect.”
“If you say so man. I’m just gonna call her River.”
“No. You’re not allowed to shorten her name until you’ve been properly accepted by her. Full government to show your respect.”
“All right all right. Now, will Miss River Monster let me take a picture of her?”
River Monster narrowed her eyes at his question, but laid her head down over her paws and sat still for the photo. Eijirou excitedly took out his phone and quickly filled his camera roll. Katsuki took his own new phone out of his pocket and opened the camera. The first photo saved into it was River’s bright eyes and calm face as she looked right into the lens.
“You should make an Insta for the two of you!”
“What?”
“I know you’ve never been about social media but I think it would be good for you. You can post progress pictures of yourself and River Monster! Then you can look back in a year and see how much you’ve changed and improved. Also, I’ll finally be able to tag you in stuff.”
“I don’t know the first thing about social media, Ei.”
“You don’t have to be knowledgeable. Just take a photo and post it! You don’t even really need to caption it if you don’t wanna. I’ll be your first follower!”
Katsuki thought over the suggestion for a few seconds before nodding. “Okay.”
Eijirou let out a cheer before taking Katsuki’s phone from his hand and downloading the app. It took a few minutes of back and forth debate, but soon the account ‘rivernkatsuki’ was up and running. Katsuki selected the photo he had taken a few minutes earlier.
This would be his first ever social media post. There’s a part of him that feels like it should be more impactful but the only ones who will probably ever see this account are Ei and Kyou once he sends it to her. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone. This was just going to serve as a visual diary for him to look back at in the future.
On the days where things feel incredibly difficult again - when he couldn’t get out of bed and even the action of going to the bathroom could be too overwhelming - he can open the account and just look. He can see how much time has passed, how his hair has begun to grow, the muscle that has slowly begun to strengthen his body.
It won’t be an easy fix. There will no doubt be set backs and days where all the progress feels like it has completely gone to waste. But Katsuki isn’t alone in his own head anymore. He has a life outside of his own that needs to be protected and cared for. They have a future together that has only just begun.
His fingers typed out ‘chapter 1; beginnings.’ and hit post.